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Shen Jiu knows that no one believes he’s fit to be a parent.
When Yue Qingyuan—Qi-ge had finally told him the truth of his lack of a return to the Qiu manor, when the two of them had finally worked past the tangled knot that they’d created between them, and finally made the decision to raise a child, he knows the other peak lords did not look on kindly.
Shen Jiu was a bitter, old man. His eyes have been witness to too much hardship, and his hands had caused much of that on their own. How could he then be trusted to raise another life in this world?
He scoffs at the thought. In another lifetime, he would have agreed with them. He would have taken these criticisms to heart and known that no matter how far up the ladder he climbs, he will only ever be the street rat Yue Qingyuan didn’t bother to come back to save.
Lucky for him that this isn’t that other lifetime.
If the peak lords used their brains even a little, they would see where their own logic has failed them. If Shen Jiu has seen too much hurt, experienced it for himself even, then wouldn’t he do anything to keep a child he raises from ever experiencing the same fate?
He would say something to them if he cared even a little more than he does. Which is to say, not at all.
The peak lords’ opinions of him, no matter how much Yue Qingyuan is trying to change them, are of no concern to him. As if anything else in the world could matter to him.
Not when he has Shen Yuan.
Shen Jiu remembers when Shen Yuan was barely big enough to fit in his arms. His health had been weak since birth, and the first few weeks, he and Yue Qingyuan had nearly begun to lose hope that the child would even survive to see his hundred days celebration.
But Shen Yuan had fought, with his little lungs that continued to breathe and heart that continued to beat. Health problems still persisted as his child grew older and older, leading to frequent visits to Mu Qingfang, and sleepless nights watching over Shen Yuan with gentle fingers carding through sweaty hair, or holding him in his lap to try and distract him from any body aches and pains. Now Shen Yuan was almost six—six—and his health was growing better daily.
Shen Jiu’s throat had itched when Shen Yuan had broken into breathless laughter the first time he ran around the bamboo house, legs carrying him faster than he had ever done before without any pain making him cry out.
Shen Yuan had grown up much too fast.
But still, he is so young.
Shen Jiu is reminded of it once again right now, with Shen Yuan’s little feet doing their best to follow him along the path. It was a new development of Shen Yuan’s, to copy every movement Shen Jiu does in an effort to be “just like A-die.”
When Shen Yuan had made the declaration several weeks ago, it had led to Yue Qingyuan, the stupid idiot, praising Shen Yuan immensely, telling his child that there was no better role model for Shen Yuan to strive towards. Shen Jiu had rightfully hit Yue Qingyuan with his fan after that.
The disciples no longer gape when they see a miniature Shen Jiu look-a-like trotting alongside him, only doing their best to discreetly say hello to the little thing.
Shen Yuan, like Shen Jiu, makes sure to keep his face plain and aloof when Shen Jiu is watching him to make sure he doesn’t fall too far behind from him.
Shen Yuan, unlike Shen Jiu, smiles brightly and waves back to as many disciples as he can whenever he thinks Shen Jiu isn’t noticing it.
Shen Jiu sighs in his heart. Shen Yuan has much to learn.
He walks until he and Shen Yuan have made a complete circle back to their bamboo house.
“A-die, what are we doing now?”
Shen Yuan had said “we”.
If Shen Jiu was going to grow fond over words now, having a child had made him far too soft.
Well.
It’s not like Shen Jiu hadn’t planned for this particular outcome to happen.
Shen Jiu looks at the child he raised. “We are going to do more writing practice. Go get ready in the main room, A-die will join you shortly.”
He huffs at the sound of Shen Yuan’s exaggerated groan.
-
Shen Jiu wakes up abruptly, heart racing. He doesn’t jolt up, doesn’t do more than tremble just slightly, a survival tactic Qiu Jianluo’s beatings had forced into him.
He tries to ground himself, looking around the room to grasp onto anything he can see, anything he can feel. A technique the brothel women have imparted onto him.
But it’s too dark. He can’t see anything, he can’t make out his hands in front of him, and he doesn't know where Shen Yuan is, where’s A-Yuan?
“Xiao Jiu?” A tired voice, the tightening of an arm around his waist. A clothed arm.
Qi-ge.
The two of them are only half-dressed in proper sleepwear, but dressed nonetheless, a necessity that comes from having a child curious enough to barge into the main bedroom without giving any thought to the consequences, regardless of whatever nightly activity Shen Jiu and Yue Qingyuan get up to.
Both Yue Qingyuan and he are busy people with sect leader duties and peak lord duties alike. Even then, Yue Qingyuan insists on spending at least his nights with Shen Jiu and Shen Yuan in their home on Qing Jing peak. Shen Jiu had made a big show of telling Yue Qingyuan that he was neglecting his duties, but Yue Qingyuan had only smiled and kissed his forehead, telling him that if spending time with his families was neglecting his duties as a peak lord, then it would be more worth it not being a peak lord in the first place.
It was like the stupid man physically couldn’t go a single day without spouting some sort of nonsense.
“Xiao Jiu? What’s wrong?” The voice comes again, still husky and low, but more alert than before, more soothing.
Shen Jiu clears his throat. His heart had calmed down somewhat at Yue Qingyuan’s voice. “Nothing. Go back to sleep.”
Yue Qingyuan, as usual, doesn’t listen. Instead, he does the complete opposite of going to sleep, and opts to lift himself up until he is resting his body weight on his forearms, and looking down at whatever he can make out of Shen Jiu with the moonlight coming in through the windows. “Was it a nightmare?”
Shen Jiu scoffs.
“Xiao Jiu,” Yue Qingyuan says reproachingly. “We talked about this.”
They’ve talked about a lot of things, Shen Jiu wants to sneer. Except, this is something they’ve talked extensively about. Something not even Shen Jiu wants to turn his back upon.
Honesty. Transparency. The end to making assumptions on what they assumed the other wanted or needed.
It was the lack of all those things that had driven the spikes between them, again and again, to a point where Shen Jiu was sure that the words Yue Qingyuan would never leave his mouth again. He was so sure, but then—
(“Xiao Jiu.”
“Don’t call me that.”
“Please, Xiao Jiu, just listen to me—“
“Don’t call me that.”
“Xiao Jiu, please—“
“I said—“
“I came back for you.”
Shen Jiu freezes.
Yue Qingyuan continues. He tells Shen Jiu about the spiritual caves, about how the bloodstains and claw marks that Shen Jiu saw in them were his, not some rampaging disciple locked in there as punishment, about how the second he left he went back to the Qiu mansion only to find that it had all been burned down, about how he thought he had lost Shen Jiu in that fire until they had by chance come into contact with each other. He tells Shen Jiu the truth about Xuan Su. His breath hitches. “All these years, I’ve hurt Xiao Jiu too many times to count.”
Shen Jiu’s nose burns by the end of it. His mouth trembles. His eyes are wet. It’s been a long time since Shen Jiu has allowed himself to cry. “You lied to me.”
He punches Yue Qingyuan’s chest as hard as he can. It escapes neither of their notices that there is no spiritual energy behind the punch. Yue Qingyuan does nothing to fight against it.
Shen Jiu’s voice cracks as he speaks. “Whenever anything happens, you never take my side.”
Another punch.
“You… you let me think you left me behind.”
Yue Qingyuan is crying too. It doesn’t feel right. Qi-ge isn’t supposed to be the one to cry, when it was Qi-ge’s fault any of this was happening. He didn’t cry on the streets either, having to maintain a strong front when he tried to protect Shen Jiu and the rest of the street children. Yue Qingyuan brings his arms up to cradle Shen Jiu in them. Gently at first, until Shen Jiu is burying his head in Yue Qingyuan’s shoulder and clawing at the fabric on his back and shoulders, and then Yue Qingyuan is grasping onto him just as tightly.)
“It was,” Shen Jiu admits. “A nightmare.”
Yue Qingyuan leans over Shen Jiu, enough so that he can comfortably drape some of his upper body over Shen Jiu’s, and rub his nose against Shen Jiu’s hairline.
“Is it something Xiao Jiu wants to speak about?”
Another thing they have talked about: Finding an acceptable border between pushing too much and pushing too little. It was a tricky balance.
Shen Jiu puts some thought into his answer before he shakes his head. “I barely remember it. Now get off me,” Shen Jiu mutters, unconvincing even to his own ears as he makes no move to actually get Yue Qingyuan off of him, “I’m going to go check on A-Yuan.”
It was always like this when Shen Jiu woke up from a nightmare, whether he deigned to tell Yue Qingyuan about it or not. At the end of it, he had to see Shen Yuan, see the son he raised with his own eyes, sleeping peacefully in the room two doors over, or else going back to sleep was a moot point.
And so, Yue Qingyuan only hums at Shen Jiu’s request and obliges easily, shifting until he’s back on his side of the bed.
Yue Qingyuan having a side on Shen Jiu’s bed.
Another aspect of Shen Jiu’s life that had once seemed like a foreign alternate reality.
Shen Jiu gets up before he can think too deeply on it, absent-mindedly pulling on another robe before he goes down the hallway.
He expects to see Shen Yuan lying peacefully on the bed, and, if anything, in an odd position for Shen Jiu to adjust so he doesn’t wake up with a new ache in the morning.
He doesn’t expect to hear quiet whispers coming from Shen Yuan’s room.
At first, Shen Jiu wants to berate the silly child for being up so late in the first place, considering the time he expects him to be up in the morning for breakfast. But, being a father has made Shen Jiu a much more patient man. If only to see what Shen Yuan was doing first.
He peers in, moves too light for a child as young as Shen Yuan to pick up.
...Shen Yuan is whispering to himself.
Good. The child is much too young to even try sneaking someone in with him to play.
If this was all, Shen Jiu would have gone in already to tell Shen Yuan to go to bed.
But Shen Yuan, sitting up in bed, has taken it one step further.
It seems as though Shen Yuan has taken a fan Shen Jiu must have left lying around somewhere, and is pretending to be him.
“Go away, Zhangmen-shixiong,” Shen Yuan is whispering, holding the fan open with both hands to cover his mouth. “I have to talk to Liu-shidi.”
Shen Jiu will never understand Shen Yuan’s fascination with Liu Qingge. Shen Jiu had done his best to keep the brute away from his son, and yet whenever Shen Yuan comes in close contact with the man, there are visible stars in his eyes.
Shen Jiu chalks it up to Shen Yuan’s interest in demons and beasts in the forests, and Liu Qingge’s disgusting habit of bringing back their heads to show Shen Yuan.
“Liu-shidi, show me some monsters,” Shen Yuan continues to say haughtily. He makes a show of inspecting the space in front of him over Shen Jiu’s fan. “Hmm, very good! Now go away Liu-shidi, I have papers to do.”
Despite himself, Shen Jiu’s mouth quirks up.
The urge to go into Shen Yuan’s room gets stronger.
Shen Jiu knows better, though.
Shen Yuan, who has done his hardest to be like Shen Jiu, often overlooked the traits that he had that were already nearly identical to him. One of them, being the thin face the two of them shared like a mask passed between them.
If Shen Jiu were to enter the room now, there’s no doubt that Shen Yuan would never pull a stunt like this again, mortified at his A-die for catching him. It would, on the other hand, have the benefit of putting an end to Shen Yuan taking his fan of all things, and staying up late.
Shen Jiu goes back to his bedroom.
Yue Qingyuan is still awake when he gets back.
Shen Jiu glares. “I’m not waking you up if you oversleep.”
Yue Qingyuan only smiles. “That’s fine. A-Yuan is asleep?”
Shen Jiu’s expression loosens into something more neutral. He gets into bed, turning away from Yue Qingyuan. “Something like that.”
Yue Qingyuan makes a soft noise, coming close until Shen Jiu’s back is engulfed in the warmth of Yue Qingyuan’s chest.
Lips press to the back of Shen Jiu’s head. “Mm, alright. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Having someone to warm his bed like this really had made Shen Jiu turn into mush, because he doesn’t even bother pushing Yue Qingyuan off of him.
“Sleep,” Shen Jiu mutters again, closing his eyes.
There are no other nightmares that come to him.
-
In the morning, his fan is once again placed on the table in the main room he had left it in, and Shen Yuan is falling asleep into his breakfast.
-
-
-
It’s not like Shen Jiu was planning on the purchase.
He had taken out his disciples to deal with a demon several days back at Yue Qingyuan’s request. It has been some time since a new disciple was introduced to Qing Jing peak, not since the addition of Ning Ying.
It’s as he’s strolling down the marketplace that he spots them. Fans, being sold at one of the stalls.
One draws him closer than the others. It’s a simple thing, but elegant. Aesthetics to match his peak as a whole, with a simple design of tree branches and deep green leaves. Sturdy too, he thinks, testing out its durability.
He opens his money pouch and orders three.
-
Shen Jiu presents it to Shen Yuan on the day of his return.
He immediately goes to Qiong Ding where Yue Qingyuan had been looking after Shen Yuan. Shen Yuan leaps up from where he’s sitting in front of a bestiary and trying to read the small text alongside the picture.
He jumps around a little in front of Shen Jiu, and Shen Jiu lets him. Shen Yuan has a bad habit of becoming jittery when he’s apart from either parent for too long, like a child who’s snuck in one too many sweets after dinner.
Shen Jiu pulls him into a brief hug to still him.
“A-die, you’re back! You were gone so long,” Shen Yuan says, making an aggrieved noise.
“Next time A-die will be quicker,” Shen Jiu consoles. “But I have something for you.”
“A gift?” Shen Yuan squints. “What for?”
Shen Jiu tsks. “Who said it was a gift?” He pulls out the fan from his pouch. “It is for you. It wouldn’t be fitting if you were to show your emotions to others. Who knows how they’ll use it?”
Shen Yuan gasps as Shen Jiu presents it to him. “A fan?”
Shen Jiu smiles.
“Really?! It’s all mine?!”
“Volume, A-Yuan,” Shen Jiu reminds him gently.
“I can use it?” Shen Yuan whispers, just as loud. He opens it to look at the ink markings painted on it.
Shen Jiu stifles a sigh. He reaches down to tuck a loose piece of Shen Yuan’s hair behind his ear. “I didn’t get it for it to become a decoration piece, A-Yuan.”
Shen Yuan holds it with both hands, one on either side of the open fan, just as he held Shen Jiu’s fan. He makes another excited noise. “It looks like yours!”
Shen Jiu hums.
Shen Yuan tries to fan himself. “Can I show Baba too?”
“Baba will come home soon, and then you can show him,” Shen Jiu responds, not registering that he’s called Qing Jing Peak home until the words had already left his mouth. “But,” he says, flushing slightly at the slip, “only if you pay attention during lessons today. Let us return to Qing Jing.”
Shen Yuan beams.
-
Fortunately for Shen Yuan, it’s not a day where Yue Qingyuan is busy looking over documents or proposals that need his immediate attention, and arrives at Qing Jing peak just before the crux of sundown.
Shen Yuan, who has spent the last third of that time restless for Yue Qingyuan’s arrival, is delighted. Quickly, he picks up his fan and opens it. “Baba, look! A-die got me a fan just like his!” He holds it up for Yue Qingqyuan to get a better look.
Shen Jiu opens his own. “A-Yuan,” he says, and fans himself meaningfully.
Shen Yuan stares up with furrowed eyebrows for a second, before his mouth opens into a round ‘o’. Smart boy. He watches as Shen Yuan begins adjusting the fan in his hand so that he’s holding it in one hand rather than two. His tiny hands aren’t used to it, and the fan visibly trembles as he tries to hold it. When it settles, just barely, Shen Yuan sends Yue Qingyuan a smile with all teeth over the top of it, effectively eliminating the purpose of holding a fan above his face altogether.
Shen Jiu hides a smile behind his own.
Yue Qingyuan’s eyes widen at the sight. There’s a brief moment where Shen Jiu watches Yue Qingyuan’s shoulder tighten, and his face pinch up, as if he’s attempting to hold back tears. In the end, he only exhales and says shakily, “You both look, very good.”
Shen Jiu scoffs. He can see Yue Qingyuan’s eyes shining from here. “Qi-ge, you look pathetic.”
Shen Yuan giggles, noticing the same. “Baba, you look so lame.”
Yue Qingyuan smiles. It’s wobbly. “En, Qi-ge is pathetic. Baba is lame.”
Shen Yuan giggles again at the admittance, and nearly loses the balance he has of his fan altogether.
-
-
-
-
Later in the day, when he sends Shen Yuan off to spend time with the disciples after lessons, he spots Shen Yuan excitedly showing off his new fan to a gaggle of older disciples surrounding him.
“A-die got it for me!” Shen Yuan says brightly. “And, and, A-die said to hold it like this, okay?” He carefully balances the fan in one hand, just as he had done when Shen Jiu had shown him how. “I look like A-die, right?”
The disciples all agree immediately, “ooh”-ing and “aah”-ing as Shen Yuan struggles to fan himself whilst balancing its weight, indulgent smiles painted on each of their faces.
Shen Jiu turns away, and walks back towards the bamboo house briskly before any of them can notice him. If his lips are curved upwards the entire way back, no one is there to see it but him.