Chapter Text
Sakura sat and waited.
For what? She did not know.
Several days had passed since the invasion of Sound and Sand and when she returned to her childhood home, nothing but the broken and beaten bodies of her forever genin parents greeted her. There'd been no mercy from either nation to her people, and the thought of Naruto reconciling with the Sand Siblings left her tongue heavy with ash and resentment.
She used to envy the blondes penitent for extroverted laced forgiveness, but somethings didn't come easy in her eyes, and this was one of them.
The once bright and homey neighborhoods that used to be littered with lanterns year-round were nothing but dust and decay. The cobblestone streets were upturned, the buildings smashed beyond comprehension, and imprints of scales left reminders in their wakes despite the summons being long gone. Her neighbors fared no better and a scarce amount of people on her street remained.
She'd taken to sleeping in the park, shooed away from the hospital as the beds were overrun with ninja more important and more skilled than her. The orphanages wouldn't accept her due to her legal status and the lapse in missions left her savings barrel scraped bare. The desk was overrun and frantic and no one had time for a lost genin.
Sakura assumed that her jōnin commander would've been informed of her recent misfortune, but when the second day came and went with no sign of Kakashi-sensei, she'd given up hope. She thought about turning to others from the Rookie Nine, but was met with hostility from Ino and indifference from the rest before she could get an official word in. She mourned the loss of the one female friend she'd had as a child and for the first time realized how foolish it was to lose a friendship over a one-sided crush.
Her teammates were nowhere to be found, which was expected. She didn't know where Naruto lived, presumably near the Flower District on the southern side of the village. It's where most orphans under government assistance went to live. She wouldn't even consider turning to Sasuke for help. The last she'd seen of him was when he brushed her aside when she carried him to the hospital after he passed out not too long after Gaara admitted defeat.
Back then she'd been so proud of how long she lasted, but not the victory seemed fake and hollow.
She gnawed at her lip and hunched even more so in the limbs of the tree she'd taken as shelter, the bark of which scraped the exposed neck and shoulders left uncovered by her plain tank top. It was the largest in the park on this side of the village, away from most shinobi and somehow still intact despite the chaos. Beneath her, civilians walked with practiced ease, all trying to pick up some sense of normalcy after the invasion. If anyone noticed her amongst the leaves, they didn’t pay her any mind.
She envied their ignorance and trust in the government. The world seemed fractured and akimbo on its axis. The world of black and white she’d come to expect now muddled together in swirls of gray and brown and she didn’t know where one thought ended and the other began. Sakura wished she were like them, ignorant and free of resentment at circumstance.
Inner whispered to her in the deepest recesses of her mind, called for vengeance and blood, but the logical part of her knew that it would be no use.
She stared at her hands and traced the minute cracks in flesh and scars from fruitless training sessions that covered the soft, pale palms. The muscles on her arm had gone soft with disuse. The lone month between stages two and three of the Chūnin Exams hadn’t been spent training. She vaguely remembered nightly walks and days spent fretting over the fate of her teammates. Not once did it cross her mind to seek out additional tutoring.
On the other side, was it truly her fault to not have anything in place during the fact? Was it on her, a genin fresh out of the academy, to know a plethora of tutors to choose from should her sensei have a lapse in attendance? She considered the other members of the Rookie Nine and realized the chasm between her and them. She bit at a hangnail that edged itself away from her pointer finger and hissed at the blood that welled in its place.
Nothing she'd learned in the less than six months after graduation had helped her in the end. Even then, she didn't know exactly what she learned. She tried to come up with things other than the academy three. Tree walking had come as easily as breathing to her, but other than that, she didn't know what else was in the realm of her abilities.
Sakura tucked her hands close to her stomach and brought her knees to her chest, her bony shin settled on the caps of her knees. Inner played back the memories of the few training sessions she'd been a part of in between missions that had gone wrong and the Chūnin Exams they never should've been a part of. Very rarely had she'd been taken aside and actually taught something.
"That can't be right," she murmured as she closed her eyes and focused on what Inner was showing her. The fury she felt watching the colors dance behind her eyelids was a worthy distraction from her troubles.
‘When am I ever wrong?’ Inner whispered back, gleeful and vicious as always. While Sakura couldn't see her, her presence was unwavering and strong.
"It's been months, how could I have not noticed he never taught us anything?" Sakura asked herself, opening her eyes and staring at the dark leaves that shrouded her bright coloring from the world.
‘Even better, you should be asking yourself what he taught the others instead of you. He gave Sasuke his precious Chidori so he could defeat Gaara. He set up a tutor for Naruto in the Chūnin Exams and you didn't even get a note on their whereabouts. He left you behind and expected you to be okay with it. Nothing more than an afterthought in the eyes of someone who preached about teamwork.’ Inner replied, as she waved away the memories with a flourish.
Sakura unconsciously wiped away the stubborn tear that leaked out of her eye, a tell to her subconscious's feelings of frustration and regret. She picked at the edges of the worn cotton tank top, unfitting for a shinobi hiding in the elements. Her closet and belongings had been destroyed in the same instance as her parents.
While she'd been off chasing a tailed beast, they'd been wiped away without a second thought. She regretted not pushing them to attend the Chūnin Exams, maybe they would've been safe in the stands with the others rather than pitted against snakes as tall as mountains and as vicious as their summoner.
She'd pilfered the tank top and soft capri pants from one of the relief centers that sprung up across the civilian district. Her red qipao kimono hadn't survived the rest of the invasion and the sand from being under Gaara's hold had torn its silk structure to pieces. Her sandals and waist pack were the only belongings left and she cherished them with what little appreciation she had left in her.
She was a genin without a home and very little to her name. Offhandedly she knew that once the government was up and running once more, the insurances and plans put in place would take care of her. Despite her parents' lower status, the house would eventually be rebuilt in the same place it was but the rooms would be barren and the hallways filled with ghosts. Gone were pictures of her upbringing and gone were the sounds and smells of a once loving home.
She swallowed around the ball that had been building in her throat and tucked even closer into herself, this time burying her face fully into her knees. Inner cooed and shushed her quiet sobs and eventually, the stress overtook her and she fell into a fitful sleep against the tree, the bustle and park noises a mocking lullaby that lulled her into unconsciousness.
❀༄❀༄❀༄❀
The next few days were as hopeless as the last. She'd been tasked to help carpenters and construction men clear the debris in her section of the village. The work was grueling and left her with aches in muscles she did even know she had. Despite this, it gave her enough money to purchase new clothes along with food to fuel her at the end of the day.
She hadn't seen any of her fellow genin in the mess, but as the children of clan heads, she doubted they'd have been picked for this type of work. This work was what was expected of her and her status in the village. The missions Team 7 undertook were indicative of that. Painting fences, walking dogs, catching Tora , these missions were the missions of clan children. Were she never assigned to Team 7, this would’ve been her life. Her livelihood.
By the sixth day, Inner grew malicious. The psyche had always been on the same side of cruel, with a bite in her voice that Sakura could never hope to voice. Without a friend at her side, nor parents to corral her into submission, the voice had grown into something she could no longer ignore.
For once, civilians didn't greet her with happy smiles and soft encouragement, instead gave her dark looks and a wide berth as they shopped in newly rebuilt marketplaces. Konoha had ninja in spades, and despite the hit they’d taken from Orochimaru and his transgressions, they worked with terrifying logistics to install a sense of normalcy amongst the citizens.
The money she'd received wasn't enough to build her life back to where it was, but the act of shopping left her in a warmer spirit. The clothes she purchased were darker and thicker than anything she'd owned in her life. She’d purchased ANBU castoffs, she was sure of it. The most affordable pieces of clothing on the cheapest racks in the back of the shinobi outfitters.
The dark contrasted beautifully with her pale skin and short pink hair. She'd turned around in the mirror in the shop over and over again when she'd first put it on. The high neck, sleeveless turtleneck was tucked into tight, black pants lined with pockets on the sides of her thighs. The utility belt that held them together gave her more storage than she knew what to do with. The telltale Uzu storage seals were an added bonus and led her to question the shop keeper for the price.
The retired Kunoichi had waved off her concerns with a bitter smile filled with years of hardship and schadenfreude. "I've seen this village broken and rebuilt more times than I care to ever witness. It's not the first time and it won't be the last. These are leftovers from the last war and it's high time they're put to good use. Usually, the younger generations go for my more flashy arrays of clothes, so these are often overlooked, hence the price."
Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, she smiled and nodded with promises to return the next time she hit a growth spurt. She'd added a pair of calf-high boots meant for avoiding snakes in the high plains of grass near the less forested areas of the Fire Nation. They were marked down for the scratches around the toes and tops, but it was nothing she cared about.
In the past, she'd rush towards the luxurious fabrics and telltale red that clashed horribly with her pink hair. She'd choose the finest dress to accentuate the little curves she did have, hoping to catch the attention of a certain Uchiha in the hopes that he'd pay some attention to her. Now she reveled in the anonymity of the dark fabric against the muted tones of the village and forest surroundings.
The edges of grief still stung at the back of her mind, but not even Inner could deny the comfort of being compressed into shinobi fabric once more. Despite the sweltering heat at the tailend of summer, her spirit had never been higher.
It wasn't until she was snacking on street yakitori with the meager monetary leftovers that the fragile peace was interrupted. It'd been nearly a full week since the invasion, and a day since the Sandaime's funeral that she'd refused to attend. The thought of being around so many mourning faces, grieving over someone she'd barely given a second thought to aside from mission briefings, wasn't high on her list of priorities. His death was nothing more than another line in a history book, something to note should she ever need to recite the history of Konohagakure at whim.
It was laughable how quick the flames of The Will of Fire were snuffed in her soul. Extinguished in a wave of grief and loathing. Not for the first time did she wonder how she ever followed orders with such blind admiration and acceptance. Should her career extend beyond being a genin, the thought of laying her life on the line for a country that waved her aside was something she wasn't quite sure she wanted to do anymore.
The repeated actions of scooping debris and lifting planks were a blessing in disguise as even some of the more disgruntled civilians refused to attend. It was here she witnessed the darker layers of the human psyche and how easily non-Shinobi were swept under the rug when men try to play God.
"Pakkun?" she greeted, surprised at the small pug that poofed into existence next to her on the roof of one of the few buildings still intact. Her memory supplied to her that it used to be some sort of bank, but the vaults had long been emptied. It was an easy hiding place, tucked away near the markets and away from the majority of the foot traffic, but close enough to keep an eye on the rebuilding progress.
The soft, brindled pug sniffed at her yakitori stick and munched on the chicken without a second thought. It was only through feminine restraint that she didn't punt the canine across the street. Her stomach growled at the bite lost to the dog and she bit out her next words, "What are you doing here?"
The dog coughed and hacked when it bit off more than it could chew, but stayed as regal as a pug could as he barked off the orders from Kakashi-sensei. "You weren't at the funeral yesterday and I've come to collect you for a team meeting."
The pug tried to take another bite of her meal and she yanked it out of the way, pressing closer to the crux of the roof away from him. "When?"
Pakkun grumbled and huffed but didn't retaliate. "Right now at the bridge. You'd better hurry," He swiped a tawny paw at her in a poor attempt to beg.
Sakura didn't hesitate to shove the rest of the chicken into her mouth, savoring the teriyaki that coated her tongue. It did little to dissuade her overall hunger, but it was more than enough to motivate her to get this meeting over and done with.
If Kakashi wanted her there then he should've fetched her himself.
The newfound resentment and anger towards her jōnin leader wasn't misplaced and was welcomed by Inner with open arms. The pug summons was more than enough of a reminder of how powerful Kakashi-sensei was and how little he did to prepare her for her career.
Time and time again she was left upset and disappointed with her status in the village and where she stood on her team. Maybe it was the summons used as a fetching tool or the possibility that Kakashi-sensei knew when and where she'd been over the past week, but the thought of being around them was more grueling than she cared to admit.
She jumped down off the roof and wiped away the residual smoke of the summons popping out of existence. Sakura took the long route, avoiding the civilians that rushed into her during the afternoon bustle with practiced ease. Occasionally ninja would jump on the buildings overhead and she'd be struck again with how little she knew and how helpless she felt.
The browns and greens of the village seemed to dull even more as she followed the river to the bright red bridge where her team waited for her untimely arrival. The last few steps were the heaviest as they all stared at her with a mix of distaste and apathy. Naruto was the most enthused, but even she could tell his impatience had worn thin.
She lifted her hand and hoped the smile that spread across her face was a convincing one. She'd bathed in a river the day prior so the sweat and grime wasn't as noticeable as it had been, but her skin still twinged in tightness. She hadn’t purchased many toiletries beyond multi-purpose soap, toothbrush, and toothpaste. Briefly she remembered the shampoo that she shared with a dog and could find it in her mind to care at the change.
Her chopped and miscut hair was tucked into a low pony with small strands framing her face. Her mother had offered, when she was still alive, to fix the impromptu haircut when she returned from the Forest of Death. She decided against it in the moment, insteading wearing it like a badge of honor from her battle against the Sound genin.
"Hello, everyone. I'm sorry for the tardiness," she said with a small bow. She took her position by Naruto as he was closest and the blonde immediately sprung into action, previous mood against her forgotten. He bounced and fluttered around her, pent up excitement sprung loose.
“Sakura-chan! Where have you been? You weren’t at the funeral yesterday and I thought you’d been kidnapped! Kakashi-sensei said that was unlikely, and I completely didn’t realize that we didn’t know where you lived so we couldn’t check up on you.”
Sakura coughed into her hand sheepishly and backed away a bit, overwhelmed by his excited spirit. She ran a shaky hand through her oily pink strands and motioned for him to calm down.
"I'm alright Naruto, thank you for asking. I've just been preoccupied with the civilian section of the village. I'm helping the carpenters rebuild the marketplace on the West side," she said, hoping it was enough to satisfy the blonde.
It didn't scratch the surface of the obnoxious pre-teen, unfortunately. "You've been given a mission? Why weren't we notified? I've been with Pervy-sage for the past few days getting ready and I didn't know we could take missions," he said, whining and begging towards Kakashi-sensei.
Sakura scrunched her nose at the loud-mouthed blonde, wondering not for the first time how he'd made it this far in life with such a lack of tact and manners.
Kakashi-sensei interrupted him with a thump on the head with his orange book, "Thank you for the segway, Naruto. Now that you're here Sakura, we can get into official business. With the Sandaime's death and the casualties from the invasion, I'm afraid we're all spread a bit thin. Sasuke and I have a mission on the border of Tea and we're leaving in a few hours. I wanted to give you a heads-up so you know not to look for us in the coming month," he said.
Sakura smiled encouragingly, at least she hoped it seemed as much. In reality, bitter anger embedded itself on the back of her tongue and she wondered if she was even thought of by her sensei before he accepted the mission.
She had so many questions she wanted to spout; whether he knew of her parents demise and of her newfound homelessness. She wondered if he bothered to give her more than a passing thought in the last week. She wanted to admit she'd been sleeping in the park for the past week.
She wanted to scream and shout and cry at how her teammates were supposed to always be there for her but time and time again she was left behind in the dust. All she could see in her mind's eye was their backs turned away from her, undisturbed as she stumbled to catch up in their wake.
All in all, she wanted the hole in her heart to stop swallowing her soul.
‘Interesting how the favorite gets a mission out of the village with sensei. How much do you want to bet that there will be nothing for us but meager instructions that will waste our time?’ Inner hissed.
Sakura shushed her internally and tried to focus back on the conversation, her mind frayed and unfocused at the trio.
"Yeah, yeah! And I'm leaving with Pervy-sage to find some lady, he says she's going to be the new Hokage. We just have to bring her back. Some sort of three ninja," Naruto said.
Sasuke stood from the back, arms crossed with a scowl across his smooth face. Sakura used to spend hours mentally tracing his strong nose and smooth lips. Never before had they looked at her with such contempt before, as if including her in their plans was a waste of time. With the way that she’d been acting the last few months, she couldn’t really blame him. That didn’t stop the restatement that bubbled in her chest, however.
"Sannin, not three ninja," Kakashi corrected.
"You're going after Tsunade?" Sakura asked incredulously. The older Sannin was infamous for her vagabond nature and in her opinion, there were better, more fitting shinobi to take up the mantle of Hokage. If the woman had no desire to return home before Orochimaru’s invasion, why would they welcome her after they had to pick up the pieces?
‘You can't deny, the appeal of being away from here sounds too good to be true. Can’t say I blame her for leaving.’
"That's the one. Some sort of gambler so we're heading Otafuku Gai, apparently. We leave first thing in the morning. He gave me barely enough time to squeeze in a last bowl of ramen before we're gone for a few weeks," he complained. Naruto rubbed the back of his neck in the manner she’d come to expect, a cheerful smile that stretched the whiskers.
Sakura resisted the urge to remind him that it was midday and there was more at stake in the world than sodium laden noodles and hunger.
How many times had she'd seen civilians work to the bone clearing the wreckage of their homes that were crushed during the invasion? Did Naruto even realize how dark and grim the world seemed? Or was it all a game to him?
Suddenly all three were looking at Sakura and she was struck with the realization that there was nothing in place for her. She looked towards her sensei with hopeful eyes and her blood ran cold with the lone gray eye averted itself. He'd pulled his book out as a shield in an effort to hide himself from her piercing gaze. It was here she realized the ravine that had built itself between her and her team.
She fisted her palms on the looser edge of her pants as Inner spit out obscenities at her team.
"What about me, Kakashi-sensei?" she asked and cursed the way her voice broke at the question. Deep down, she begged for her sensei to come through with anything to keep her company for the coming month. Any sort of trainer, a mentor, something to guide her while her team abandoned her in her time of need.
Sasuke looked at her down his nose and she flinched at the unrestrained fury that lit his dark eyes ablaze. He was finally paying attention to her and she wanted nothing more than to hide from him. He sneered and scoffed before he turned away again. "What part of this conversation wasn't obvious? No one cares what you do," he said.
Naruto sputtered and turned around to attack him, forgetting about whatever story he'd be complaining about while she stared Kakashi-sensei down. Sasuke was eager to take the distraction and tackled the blonde into a fight, Sakura long forgotten.
Finally, Kakashi put his book down and observed his team with a forlorn sigh. He stepped around the mass of grappling limbs and pat Sakura on the head as if she was one of his ninken that eased into submission.
"Maa, Sakura-chan. It's nothing you need to stress over, okay? Just get some rest and spend some time with your parents. The village needs as many shinobi in the village as they can, so just keep doing what you're doing."
She backed away from her team and hoped that the burning behind her eyes was the lack of sleep and not fruitless tears that would warrant no sympathy from the men assigned to be by her side. It would do no good to start crying now, not when they made their opinions and intentions as clear as day.
"Of course, Kakashi-sensei. Have a good mission you three, I'll see you all when you get back," she choked out. Sakura was not Inner and she was not brave. It was a cowards game to retreat in this manner, and a coward she would be.
Her new clothes now suffocated her and her boots felt heavier with each step away from Team Seven. He didn't know about her parents, but she was sure that he would've been notified. Kakashi-sensei did nothing to contradict Sasuke either, and it was clear to see that there wasn't much for her here. Not now. Not ever.
❀༄❀༄❀༄❀
It wasn't until nightfall that the tears erupted and she let the emotions of the past week wrack her frame in bone aching sobs and cries. No matter how many times she wiped her tears away, more took its place with a vengeance.
‘They do not deserve your tears. From the beginning we were set up for failure. Kakashi brushed us aside, Sasuke ignored us time and time again, and Naruto doesn’t believe in us. Do not cry for them, do not mourn what never existed.’
Not for the first time, she wished Inner was a person she could hold on to physically. She was tired of being alone in the world and the late-night chill was starting to get to her. She coughed out choked sob heavy with mucus and regret as she wiped away the cries with the bottom edge of her shirt.
‘It’s not fair,’ Sakura thought as she wiped away another fresh onslaught of tears.
‘Life isn't fair for people like us. Immigrants with no connections. Born and raised to be cannon fodder while the clan kids get all the glory.’
‘I just want the pain to stop. I'm tired of crying and feeling so helpless.’
‘Then, instead of crying in a park, how about we do something about it?’
‘Like what,’ Sakura bit out, ‘Who can we turn to that would be willing to help?’
‘No one in this village that's for sure.’
Sakura sat up straight and looked around the empty park despite the conversation playing out in her head.
‘What are you saying?’
‘All I'm saying is, can you even think of three things that are keeping us here? Because I can't.’
‘It's my home. I was raised here, Okaa-san and Otou-san brought me here because they knew I'd have a better life than in Mist. I have friends, I think.’
‘Friends,’ Inner scoffed, "What friends? If you had friends we’d be tucked into a futon with a mug of tea, not sleeping in a park with no resources. You lost your only friend over a crush to someone that would sooner sell us than help us succeed.”
‘You're suggesting I desert my village? All because my feelings are hurt?’
‘I'm suggesting that you leave your village because they don't care about you. Your parents are dead. You're going to die in the genin corps if you don't do something about it. Naruto and Sasuke are sure to make Chūnin next time the exams happen and at the rate that you’re going, you can’t even hope to be on their level.’
‘Be nice,’ Sakura whimpered out as she tucked her knees close to her chest.
‘Never. Someone in this body has to be realistic and obviously, you're content to live your life in the shadows of those beneath you.’
‘I'm not content. I just want to feel better. I want to have a team that wants me. I want to be strong. I want to stand by their sides, not look at their backs and hope they turn around and remember that I exist.’
‘Then leave,’ Inner hissed out again, this time it echoed in her mind and Sakura flinched back.
‘There is nothing for us here. Let go of your stupid, childish whims and realize that I'm right. You want to get better? You want to feel better? Then let's get the hell out of here," ’ Inner repeated, the words a steady mantra in her hea.d
Sakura grabbed at her cheeks and clawed at the thin flesh, skin worn from the weeks of stress. She could feel her body dying, deteriorating and corroding at a rate faster than she could replenish. Her mental state was fractured, but this was nothing new. Inner had been particularly loud since Ino had invaded her mind in the second round and the cost of losing came with a heavy price. Her psyche had not relented in the nearly six weeks since then and the added loss of her parents was too much to bear.
Deep down she knew her Inner was in the right, no matter how crazy or extreme the idea seemed. There wasn't anything for her here. Deep down she hoped that her team would notice her troubles and take care of her, but that seemed to be a fool's dream. Sakura always prided herself in being clever and taking the paper ninja aspect to heart, but it seems her brain has done nothing but fail her in the end.
Once upon a time, when she was much younger and her mother was more willing to talk about her time in Kirigakure, she’d been told of a once great nation that descended into chaos and ruin at the hands of a Kage gone mad. She’d never met anyone from her mothers side of the family because there wasn’t anyone left to meet. Aside from her uncle, who her mother spoke of as if he hung the moon in the sky. She didn’t know she could love someone she’d never met so much, but if she went through with this, she hoped her uncle would welcome her with open arms.
She shouldn’t rely on the notion that the nation of her blood would accept her so willingly, but she would grasp onto the hope that a better life was out there waiting for her.
‘Now you're seeing things my way. Go, before you change your mind. There's nothing for us to pack and the guards will be changing soon. No one will care about a pink-haired civilian leaving in the dead of night.’
‘Civilian?’ she asked.
‘Take your headband and bury it in the ground. Missing-nin status will only put a target on our heads from the outside nations if they see a scratch headband and if anyone asks, we're a mercenary for hire. That way, maybe we'll get a job and learn something.’
Finally, Sakura didn't hesitate to follow her inner voice's commands. It felt good to let the other voice take over, to let someone else decide her fate. She was tired and broken, but her heart felt lighter than it had in a long time. Even if she didn't find a home in Mist, anything was better than what she had here.