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In all his seventeen years of life, Reki has never been confessed to.
Valentine's days, white days, even normal weekdays, they've all passed without anyone having feelings for him, and without him having anyone's feelings to reciprocate.
There's a cold, creeping nausea inside of him when he sees other boys being confessed to in quiet corners of the school. Red-cheeked stammering, letters and chocolates stuffed hastily into surprised hands, the giddy excitement of a newly formed couple; it all makes Reki feel so ridiculously sorry for himself.
His friends and classmates get picked off one by one, gaining and losing their first girlfriends and boyfriends. Having new experiences and heartbreaks.
Reki is alone through it all, always unbearably alone.
Sometimes, Reki feels a little silly for this, for wanting someone to confess to him so badly. He tells himself that it really doesn't matter all that much. He doesn't need someone. He's got skating. That's the most important thing to him. That's his first love. He nearly convinces himself. He nearly shakes it.
And then one of his classmates will come waltzing in, starry eyed and blushing and blathering on about how good it feels to be in love, and the fragile thing in Reki's chest crumples.
Reki has stood in his bathroom, a white knuckle grip on the edges of the vanity, wondering what's so wrong with him. He states at his own reflection, eyes wide and wet. Is his passion for skateboarding so off-putting? Is he too loud? Too clumsy? Too embarrassing? Is he boring?
Is he that physically unappealing? He looks himself in the eye, wincing at what he finds there. Reki rips the headband from his head, tossing it to the floor. What does he need to change? What makes him so unlovable? So unwantable? He presses the heels of his hands to his eyes, willing away the sting of tears, and goes to bed early those nights.
~~~~~~
Reki meets Langa, and suddenly, it all hurts even more.
Reki is breathless the first time he sees Langa, because Langa is beautiful. There's no denying it, no arguing with that fact. He's tall and striking and mysterious and seems so unattainable.
The fact that Reki happens upon him later is nothing short of a miracle. He blurts out that they're in the same class because he feels the need to have Langa recognize him, and follows up by asking if Langa likes to skateboard because it's the only thing on his mind and he's always chewing on his own feet when he's in front of someone pretty.
He's floored when Langa actually takes him up on his offer to get on his board. He's so sure that Langa is the type to be good at everything immediately, so watching him fall on his ass is so unexpected that Reki can't help but laugh. The need to impress, the urge to be seen, it tugs at him, implores him to make a jump over Langa where he lays on the concrete. And then Langa bursts into a flurry of personality and goofiness that's so unlike the mysterious cool of his introduction in class, and Reki can't stop the dopey smile that spreads across his face.
Reki gets to know Langa, and quickly realizes that he can be as dense as a sack of bricks and twice as earnest as that, and somehow that only makes him more endearing.
And then, Reki watches this boy that he's just met, who earlier that day couldn't even stand on a skateboard, tape his feet to Reki's busted up board to race for him. Reki watches him skate with a grace that makes his heart pound and his fingers tingle. Reki watches him fly, watches Langa win, and Reki is so far gone from that moment that he kind of pities himself.
Langa quickly picks up the nickname of "the prince", and Reki can't argue with that either. Boys and girls alike swoon over him. Hell, Reki is swooning over him on a damn near daily basis. But despite knowing Langa, despite seeing his flaws and spending nearly every hour of every day with him, Langa doesn’t feel any less unattainable. Not when Langa is so himself, so pretty and effortlessly graceful and charming and funny. Not when Reki is so loud and brash and awkward, someone that no one has ever looked twice at.
Then the confessions start.
On no particular Thursday afternoon, a very pretty third year girl from a different class approaches the two of them and asks politely to speak to Langa somewhere private. Reki can see that she's got a small pink envelope in the hand she's hiding behind her back.
Reki's stomach sinks. Of course, it's a wonder that it’s taken this long for someone to approach Langa. Reki assumes that Langa is used to this sort of thing, looking the way he does. But Langa throws him a helplessly confused look over his shoulder as he walks away, and nothing has ever bewildered Reki more. It's so ridiculous that Reki might have even laughed if this wasn't such a sore spot for him.
It’s all made worse for a whole new reason, considering Reki’s feelings for his new best friend. He can’t blame people for thinking that Langa is great, and can’t really be angry with them for wanting to be with him. Reki has done his fair share of watching and wondering and wanting when it comes to Langa. So of course it’s nerve-wracking to watch people fawn over him. It stings to think that he might say yes to one of them.
It’s not as though Reki really thinks he has a chance or something. He’s toyed with the idea of telling Langa how he feels. He knows that Langa doesn’t really take hints, so he’d have to tell him outright. Reki would sit him down, maybe take both of Langa’s hands into his, look him in the eye, and say “I like you. As more than a friend. Romantically. Please go out with me!”
That’s where it all falls apart in his head. He’d love to imagine that Langa would light up, that he’d smile and flush such a pretty pink and say “Of course, Reki, I’ve liked you since the day we met.” He wants so badly to believe that Langa would tug him closer to rest their foreheads together, and that Reki could slide a hand into his hair to keep him there. Everything would make sense. All the time that they spend together, the way that Langa smiles at him, Langa choosing him over anyone else. It would mean exactly what Reki doesn’t let himself long for. It’d be so warm, and he’d feel so wanted, and then maybe Langa would lean in, and Reki would follow him, and...
But Reki doesn’t let himself indulge in that particular fantasy. He’s not deluded enough to think that Langa would want someone like him. What he knows would happen, what he’s certain of, is that Langa would pull his hands out of Reki’s. He’d shake his head, and he’d try hard to hide his disgust. Langa isn’t cruel, he’d never be cruel. He’d swallow past it and say, “I’m sorry Reki, I don’t feel that way about you. I could never feel that way about you.” And the hurt would splinter through Reki’s chest, pierce slowly into his lungs and crawl up the back of his throat. Langa would leave him there, stewing in his own rejection and misery, wondering why he’d bothered in the first place.
Reki realizes he’s shaking, then. He spots Langa returning, and he digs his nails into his palms and forces a grin onto his face.
“Sooooo, how’d it go?” Reki lays the fake enthusiasm on thick when Langa sits back down.
Langa stares at his desk for a moment, fiddling with his sleeves, and then looks up at Reki, “She... Confessed to me?” Everything about him spells uncertainty. He blinks and tilts his head, seeming to consider what had just happened.
“Yeeeaaaahhhh?” Reki settles his chin into his hands, “And you saaaaaiiiid?” He’s afraid to know the answer, because why wouldn’t Langa be pleased? It has to feel great, having someone admit their feelings to you. It has to feel even better for Langa, because he’s so new here, knowing that someone found him so appealing without even really knowing him that they just had to tell him.
“Um,” Langa rubs at the back of his neck self-consciously, “Nothing?”
Reki looks at him blankly, “You said... Nothing?”
“Well! I just- I didn’t-” Langa stutters, a blush blooming across his cheeks, “I never know what to say...” he admits quietly.
“Do...” Reki hesitates, not sure he really wants to know the answer to this question either, “Do people do this a lot?”
“Yes!” Langa whines, “It’s like I can feel them watching me and just waiting for the right moment! And I never even know who they are! It’s always so sudden! I hate it!”
Reki is dumbfounded. “You hate it when people confess to you?”
Langa whips his head up, eyes wide and imploring, “Yes! Don’t you? It’s so awkward! It’s weird!”
It doesn’t compute to Reki. Harsh, sudden resentment bubbles up in his throat, threatens to choke him. “I’ve never...” he starts quietly, clears his throat, “No one has ever confessed to me.”
He doesn’t meet Langa’s eye, feeling how red his face flushes in embarrassment. It sounds pathetic, even to himself. He feels pathetic. There’s a long moment where neither of them say anything at all, Reki staring down at his lap and Langa watching him. Reki scrubs his hands over his face, and then abruptly grabs his bag and stands up to leave. There are tears burning in his eyes and he feels so incredibly stupid for it.
“Reki? Reki! Wait!” Langa’s voice is high and panicked.
Reki leaves the classroom quickly, ignoring the sounds of Langa scrambling to put his things together and come after him.
As soon as his feet touch concrete, he’s on his board and soaring away from the school.
Reki settles on a bench in the first park he finds. He leans back, closing his eyes against the sun, and sighs heavily. He can’t help but feel guilty.
None of this is Langa’s fault. It’s not his fault that people confess to him all the time. It’s not his fault that no one has ever confessed to Reki. It’s especially not his fault that Reki has a horrific crush on him. And it’s not his fault that Reki is so put out about it all.
All the same, this only serves as a reminder that Langa is so far out of his league that it’s not even funny. And that Reki is still unwantable. He slaps his hands over his eyes and drags his fingers down his face, letting his hands pool uselessly in his lap.
“This sucks," he groans to no one in particular, sliding down the bench until he’s nearly horizontal. He lets himself stew in his own self-pity for a while, wondering how he’ll explain himself to Langa the next time he sees him. There’s no way to tell him the truth without seeming like a total loser.
“Reki!” Comes suddenly from behind him, startling him enough that he shoots back up into a sitting position. He spins around to find Langa skating towards him in the distance, wobbly and frantic, arms waving wildly.
Reki briefly considers bolting. He’s not ready for this conversation, not by a long shot, but if Langa had followed him all the way here, he’d probably just keep coming after him until he stopped running. Reki knocks his forehead lightly on the backrest of the bench and prepared himself for what was sure to be one of the most embarrassing conversations of his entire life.
Langa clumsily dismounts his board as he approaches, not bothering to slow down before hopping off. He catches himself on the back of the bench, doubled over and breathless. Reki stops his still rolling board with his toe as it glides under the bench.
“Reki-” Langa huffs, “What- the hell- was that?”
“Ah,” Reki uneasily picks at his headband, resisting the urge to pull it down over his face, “Sorry, that was weird, right? It’s nothing! Don’t worry about it! Kay?” He flashes what he hopes is a wide convincing grin.
Langa levels him with a flat look, and comes around to plop down next to him, “That was weird, but it sure wasn’t nothing.” He cocks his head, “I just... Did I say something wrong? Was it that girl? Her confessing to me?”
Reki flails his hands in front of himself defensively, “No! No definitely not! Nope! Why would you even think that?” He chuckles, nervous and shrill.
Langa’s eyebrows furrow, and his mouth turns down. He taps his fingers against his lips, “Well you were fine before that...” he murmurs. “Look,” Langa sighs, “Just- I know I’m not the best with this kind of stuff, but I really didn’t mean to upset you.” He scoots closer to Reki, and gives him his best puppy dog eyes, “We don’t have to talk about it a lot just- please just tell me what I did wrong? So I don’t do it again?”
Reki presses his hands against his eyes and swallows hard. This isn’t fair to Langa. He hasn’t done anything wrong. This is just Reki’s stupid insecurities butting their way into every aspect of his life. He drops his hands, and watches Langa’s huge concerned eyes.
Langa’s fingers twitch, and his hands ball into fists in his lap. If Reki were weaker, he might think that Langa was stopping himself from reaching out to him, but he doesn’t dare to mistake anything in Langa’s demeanor for affection. He couldn’t ever hope to deserve this boy.
“It’s not...” Reki starts hesitantly, “It’s not you, Langa.” He shakes his head hard to try to clear it, clenching his fingers in the fabric of his pants to stop their trembling, “It’s really really stupid.”
Langa hums thoughtfully, “Whatever it is, I won’t think it’s stupid. It can’t be, not if it upset you so much.”
Reki can only stare at him, wide eyed and in wonder, tears prickling at his eyes. The urge to kiss him is stronger now than ever, and it hurts. He’s perfect, so perfect. “No one has ever confessed to me,” slips out hoarsely.
“You mentioned,” Langa says, not unkindly. He tilts his head, frowning, “Does it bother you that much?”
Reki nods, not trusting his voice to hold steady. This is far more vulnerable than he’s even been with any of his friends. He has no practice with letting people know what’s eating at him. It makes his skin prickle.
“Why?” Langa asks, “I don’t understand, Reki. They’re just strangers. Why should their opinion matter that much?”
“It’s different for you, Langa,” he blurts out, and Langa flinches, “People confess to you all the time. They like you! You don’t have to wonder what’s wrong with you.”
“What’s wrong with- Reki what?” There’s a split second where Langa looks absolutely devastated, “There’s nothing wrong with you!”
“There’s gotta be!” Reki throws an arm out in an aimless gesture of frustration. He’s distantly aware that he’s getting louder, that he’s going to spill his stupid feelings here and now, “There has to be something wrong with me! Because no one has ever wanted me, and nobody ever would!” He bites his lip hard and curls in on himself, blinking harshly in an effort not to cry.
The silence is deafening.
“I would,” Langa says quietly.
Reki looks up slowly. He swallows hard. He hasn’t... he didn’t hear that right. He can’t have heard that right.
“I do,” Langa corrects himself. His cheeks are pink and his back is ramrod straight, but he looks Reki right in the eye when he says it, “Want you, that is.”
Reki is staggered. His heart pounds, and his mouth opens and closes uselessly. “You-,” he croaks, “me?”
Langa smiles gently at that, and he slides that much closer, invading Reki’s personal space. “I’m still, ah, not very good at this. I’ve thought about it a lot, and I don’t know how to tell if you feel the same, and I didn’t wanna mess anything up by telling you if you don’t, but,” Langa takes a deep breath, seeming to steel himself, “Reki, I really really like you. And I would really like to go out with you.”
Reki’s breath comes out in a whoosh, and his legs feel like jelly. He’s glad he’s sitting down, because he’s sure he would have collapsed by now if he weren’t. Langa looks so earnest and eager, if not a little bit terrified. There is no situation in which Reki had ever expected things to turn out this way. All Reki manages is a squeak and a frantic nod. He’s red up to his ears. His heart is exploding out of his chest, and the only thing he can think is, “Ah, so this is what it’s like.”
Langa chuckles lightly, and the relief is palpable in the way his shoulders relax. He brings a thumb up to slide across Reki’s cheek, “You’re so cute,” he sighs.
“Hah,” Reki breathes dumbly. He’s not sure how Langa can just say things like that without feeling like his guts are going to explode out of him. Somehow, he’s too sincere to be embarrassed.
Langa’s arm slides across the back of the bench, curling loosely around Reki. He brushes his knuckles over Reki’s jaw, and everything goes fuzzy and warm. Reki isn’t sure if he’s allowed to touch Langa back, but he wants to with every fiber of his being. He reaches out a shaking hand, settling it on Langa’s ribs, and he’s delighted when Langa doesn’t pull away. He finds Langa’s heart pounding hard, and it’s comforting to know that he’s not as calm as he seems, that this is affecting him too.
Langa leans in, pressing their foreheads together and drawing Reki closer still. Reki can’t think, not with Langa so close. Every point of contact burns, from where their knees press together to where Langa’s fingers curl under his chin.
Langa tilts his head up, and draws close enough to brush their lips together, “Reki,” he breathes, “I really want to kiss you,”
Reki breathes hard, and curls his fingers into Langa’s shirt, “Yes,” he whispers back.
Langa closes the distance, kissing him briefly, achingly gentle, then drawing back just enough to look at Reki.
For a split second, Langa’s eyes are dark and serious and clouded with want and then he’s leaning in to kiss Reki again, more firmly this time. His hands move to hold Reki’s face and he slides their mouths together slowly and Reki is absolutely lost in it. He lets Langa lead, kissing him just the way he wants. It’s gentle, and tender, and every way that Reki had never thought that anyone would want to touch him. Langa’s thumbs slide over Reki’s cheeks, and Reki can’t help the way that he melts into Langa’s hands, can’t help the whine that tumbles out of his mouth.
Reki lets himself be kissed until he’s breathless, until Langa is pulling back and panting. He keeps their foreheads pressed together, keeps Reki’s face in his hands, and looks at him like Reki is his whole world. Reki lets his eyes slip closed, overwhelmed, and just breathes. He takes it all in; how warm Langa is against him, how gentle his hands are, the way his lips still buzz with feeling.
Reki indulges himself for a moment, opens his eyes and lets his hand slip up to cradle Langa’s cheek. Langa nuzzles into it, looking at Reki through his eyelashes.
Reki’s heart stutters. “I really like you,” he whispers.
Langa smiles, pressing a kiss to his palm, “I really like you too.”
It’s better than anything Reki could have ever imagined.
In that moment, he feels so, so wanted.