Work Text:
121lbs
Wilbur had never had an issue with weight, or his eating.
As he grew up with Phil and his sibling, he always did fine. He'd eat fine, attend meals, and never felt like anything was wrong with him.
Wilbur was happy. He played guitar, wrote music, and sparred with his siblings when Phil wanted to train them in fighting again. He played games with Tommy, and read poetry with Techno, and at school, he focused on his studies, taking breaks only to flirt with George and Dream, flustering George and becoming flustered himself when Dream flirted back.
Everything was okay, and Wilbur was happy.
So as he stood in the bathroom, running his hands through his hair and grinning as he stared down at the scale, pleased to see the numbers dropping, he wondered where this had started. How had he fallen down this rabbit hole? How had he let this happen?
Why wasn't Wilbur okay anymore?
He couldn't pinpoint where it had started. Memory before he'd somehow gotten trapped in an endless cycle was hazy, and Wilbur couldn't remember the last time he'd willingly sat down for a meal.
And Wilbur hated it.
Taking it back a few steps. Now he could remember.
Wilbur had been 13 when it had started.
While Wilbur had never been unhealthily obese, or even chubby, both of his siblings were naturally thin, and Tommy poked fun at Wilbur, and Techno made snide remarks when he and Wilbur would argue, and it slowly chipped away at Wilbur's self esteem.
Were Tommy and Techno right? They couldn't be, he reasoned. He'd gone online to check, and according to Body Mass Index (BMI) calculators, he was fine. Wilbur was a healthy weight. He;d even weighed himself on the scale to check, and had come up as 103lbs. Which considering he was still growing, and eating fine, plus what he burned off going flying too and from school every day, he was fine. Wilbur was doing okay.
So why did Tommy and Techno's comments matter to him so much?
So Wilbur decided that he'd try and match his appearence to his siblings. If Tommy and Techno could be that thin, and eat normally, and still be healthy, then so could Wilbur - he might just have to skip a few meals, or limit his options.
Doing his research, Wilbur checked the health statistics for different meals that Phil made for the boys, and different processed options sold at his school. The information was readily available, although Wilbur did have to do a bit of note taking and calcultation for hand cooked food (as there wasn't health information Wilbur could just read off of packaging), but he had a pretty rough estimate with sugar, grams of fat, calories, etcetera.
After he had that written down, and figured out that a normal days worth of food added up to about 2000 calories, Wilbur kept that notebook close to his chest, and he started to stop eating as much.
Because if 13, almost 14 year old Wilbur was going to match his siblings weights and looks, then he'd need to skip a few meals. He'd managed to worm Tommy into weighing himself for wilbur, so Wilbur had played around with the BMI calculator again, and set Tommy's weight as the weight he wanted to achieve. Tommy had been 73lbs at the time, so Wilbur had to lose 30lbs to match his younger brother. He could do that.
Wilbur started to skip meals. An "Oh, I had a big breakfast!" to bypass lunch at school when George and Dream asked. A "I'm gonna head to school early to go to the library" to skip breakfast, under Phil's watchful eye. He even got out of dinner a few times, saying that he'd "had a big lunch! Really dad, I'm still too full to eat dinner".
At first it was consistently skipping breakfast each day.
Then lunch.
Then 24 hour fasts.
By the time Wilbur had turned 15, a full year and a half since he'd started these behavious, he was stuck. At first things had been great! He'd lost some of that weight, and had almost reached Tommy's 73lbs. But something about growing was making Wilbur gain, and as he grew older, keeping his same habits, trying to avoid binging, or avoid his family who'd make him eat, he went from 94lbs, to 112lbs.
Daily weighing himself just made him feel even worse, Wilbur choosing to record the night's weight check then the mornings, because the morning weight check had elimiated water weight, which was something Wilbur needed, and relied on to get him through his gradually increasing fasts. Two, three days, he'd now go, surviving off water and coffee for the energy. Unsweetened or creamed coffee, because the extra calories in the sweetener and creamer were too much.
He'd chew on gum while in class and while sitting with his friends at lunch, and even as he watched Dream and George get together, and a few days after Wilbur turned 16, invite him to join their relationship, Wilbur would chew on his gum, and drink his black coffee, and pray that he was making progress.
He needed to be as thin as Tommy. Tommy had grown, and gained slightly, but it wasn't obvious. Tommy was 116lbs on his 14th birthday, and Wilbur was around a slightly similar weight. He'd gained slightly, but he was still pretty low, at 124lbs, but it still wasn't enough.
And as his relationship with Dream and George slowly progressed (he didn't know, but they were worried for him, and the more he refused to eat in front of them, or claim he was busy when they planned a dinner date, the more their worry grew), and Wilbur slowly got older (his family growing increasingly worried. Phil hadn't wanted to admit it at first, but Wilbur's refusal to eat was scaring him, and after Tommy had said that Wilbur liked to ask him his weight, and have Tommy weight himself for Wilbur. Techno had expressed concerns too, since Wilbur looked so fragile, and Phil was terrified) he continued to gain, but he kept it limited.
He restricted a lot more then he did at first. When he was 13, 14, he cut down to 1500 calories per day, counting everything. Then it went to 1200. Then 900. Then 500. Wilbur's current daily allowance was 200, and that was going fine. Most days he'd restict, he'd try and fast at least once a week, and he was doing okay. He was alive, and he was doing okay. He was almost at Tommy's weight! If he compared the weight Tommy had last given him, to his current weight, he was only 132lbs.
And on Wilbur's 17th birthday, he finally had a good look at himself in the mirror, and weighed himself as usual.
121lbs
And for once in his life, he wondered how it had started. He wondered why he was constantly comparing himself to Tommy's weight, and why he aspired to match the weight of his 15 year old brother.
He wondered if he was really okay now.
But Wilbur was too far gone, he realised. Wilbur was six and a half years into this. And he was going to achieve his goal, no matter what.
"Wilbur, Dream wants to talk to you. It's something serious."
Wilbur had been at school when Tubbo, Dream's little brother, had approached. His ears were twitching, and he looked nervous, as if he knew what Dream wanted to talk about, and Wilbur rffled his feathers.
"Is he breaking up with me?"
Tubbo blinked at Wilbur. "No! It's something different. George too. They're in the computer lab right now, and told me to get you. I think Techno's there too, Tommy and Ranboo are waiting for me, so I gotta go, because the 'grown ups' think this is too much for me and Tommy and Ranboo, whatever it is." Tubbo put heavy emphasis on 'grown ups' and Wilbur laughed slightly, shivering.
He was constantly cold, he'd learned.
Whatever, he was used to it.
"I'll meet them there then."
On his way, he stopped by his locker, and dropped off his logbook. He used to keep it by him 24/7, so he could record things, but especially as his...
Whatever this was, grew, his memory and his hold on things was slipping, and he didn't want anyone reading it. He'd hidden it before, but he felt concerned, and he felt like he knew what his boyfriends and brother wanted to talk to him about. Because chances were, they were concerned about Wilbur's low weight. He personally loved it (as much as he thought knew he could do better, go lower) but he knew that, from his research, it wasn't normal, and he was pretty sure that one website had described it as an eating disorder.
Wilbur didn't like that term. The word 'disorder' made it sound a lot worse then it actually was.
So what if Wilbur underate! He was doing it to lose weight, and sure, he kept fluctuating, gaining and losing, stuck in an endless loop where he might not ever meet his goal of reaching 14 year old Tommy's weight, but it was fine. Wilbur was fine. It was to lose weight, thats all it was.
So with a sigh, Wilbur tucked away his notebook, and closed his locker, locking it with a padlock before he started towards the computer lab, to meet his boyfriends and older brother.
When he got there, and poked his head in, Dream and George were cuddling, George's head on Dream's chest as they sat together, Techno flicking through something on his phone. Wilbur could vaguely make out that it was an article, based on the reflection on his glasses, but Techno tucked his phone away when he saw Wilbur was there, and Wilbur wasn't able to figure out what the article was about before Techno put the phone away.
George detached himself from Dream when Wilbur was noticed, and flung himself at Wilbur, the 5'll boy catching George's shorter frame in his arms.
Wilbur stumbled backwards, and blicked a few times as the black spots of faintness dotted his vision, holding onto George and wrapping the colourblind boy in a hug, George clutching onto Wilbur's arm as it happened. Wilbur was concious of the way his skin clung to his bones as George hugged him, and when George next showed Wilbur his face, George had tears in his eyes, Wilbur using his cold hands to wipe the tears away.
George turned to Dream, still in Wilbur's hold, and mumbled something Wilbur couldn't quite catch.
Dream's face fell, and Dream and Techno exchanged a look Wilbur couldn't decipher.
Wilbur looked between the three, slightly confused. "Guys..?"
Dream sighed. "Wilbur, we know what's wrong."
Wilbur's eyes widened, and as Techno opened his phone, flicking back up through the earlier article, he passed the phone to Wilbur silently, Wilbur seeing that the article was the same one he'd been reading himself the other day. The same article that used those words that Wilbur didn't like, to describe his weight loss plan. The article that told Wilbur that he had an eating disorder, called Anorexia Nervosa, and that it was deadly.
The same article that basically told Wilbur he was either going to hit his goal weight, and want to go lower, or die in the process.
Wilbur handed back the phone, and buried his face in George's hair, avoiding eye contact.
"No." He mumbled. "Don't have a problem."
Dream sighed again, and George hugged Wilbur tighter for a moment, before backing up, Wilbur swaying as the stabilising weight of George left his arms. He blinked a few times and looked at Dream, his brown eyes meeting Dream's green ones. There was a sad look in Dream's eyes, and Wilbur tore his eyes away, not wanting to see that he was causing hurt to his boyfriends.
All he'd wanted to do was lose weight, and not stand out amongst his brothers for the wrong reason.
He didn't want to hurt anyone.
Wilbur could feel Dream's eyes burn into his, and he felt hands take his into their own, Dream's warm hands closing around Wilbur's cold ones. He looked up again, and saw Dream, Dream pulling him into a hug.
"Everything's going to be okay, Wilbur." He whispered. "You're going to be okay. We're going to help. I promise."
Dream and George had been there when Techno told Phil what had been going on, and what they'd found out. Wilbur ended up showing them his note book, after some convincing from George and Dream, and Phil had been horrified when he saw how early some of the dates were, dating back to when Wilbur had just started out at 13, and Phil had cried. He'd blamed it on himself, and Wilbur had assured them all that it was no ones fault.
He couldn't even remember why he'd started wanting to match Tommy's weight, and if he had to guess, it was something to do with body issues, or self esteem. That's what he told his family, at least.
In Wilbur's best interests, he ended up being placed in a mental hospital, where he was monitored, and forced to try and recover. Phil had made an attempt to help, With Techno, Dream and George there along every step of the way, but Wilbur found it difficult, and Phil didn't have the heart to force Wilbur. The scale had been removed from the house, techno taking pleasure in destroying it, and Wilbur's notebook had been taken, Phil burning it.
Tommy didn't know what was going on, and Wilbur wanted to keep it that way. Tommy didn't need to know.
So Wilbur went away for 8 months.
And when he finally returned half recovered, with a new friend named Karl Jacobs who'd helped him through it, Karl recovering from the very same thing Wilbur was, Wilbur thought that perhaps.
Just maybe.
He'd be okay again.