Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Beatrice sighed. She had no idea what the professor was going on about. The professor was going in circles and none of it was making any sense, which meant Beatrice probably had to stay up late that night to go through additional reading material if she wanted to make sense of anything, and that was only the second week of school.

A violent kick jerked her last remaining ounce of attention away from the professor. She turned to glare at the perpetrator but came face to face with an expression with equal frustration painted on their face. 

“Do you know what the fuck she’s talking about?” The girl who kicked her chair asked. 

Beatrice frowned, “no?” 

The girl just tutted (the annoyance directed more at the professor droning on and on in front of them, and not at Beatrice) and sat back, “what the fuck are we even paying our tuition fees for.” 
 
Beatrice hummed and was about to try and tune back into mindless mumbling but the girl caught her attention again, “I’m Lilith, by the way.” 

“Beatrice.”

“Want to study together after? I figured it’ll be easier to make sense of whatever this is,” Lilith gestured vaguely to the professor in front, “with two heads instead of one.” 

“Sounds good.” 

Their friendship blossomed from a mildly unconventional interaction into one that most people could only dream of. It was the sort where Beatrice knew that Lilith would do anything for her despite not being verbal about it, and despite the non-verbal affection, Lilith knew when to push Beatrice out of her comfort zone without making it confrontational. It’s a delicate balance; knowing when to offer silent support and when to give Beatrice a little nudge. 

Lilith also wasn’t blind to how Beatrice sometimes stopped breathing when an attractive girl talked to her at the bar or at the club when they spent the night out. So when Beatrice showed up in a turtleneck for one of their lectures in their first year, Lilith raised an eyebrow but reserved her comments. Curious, but she allowed Beatrice to decide when she would want to open up about certain personal topics.

Beatrice extended the same courtesy to Lilith. When the taller girl showed up in class with shades, looking a little worse for wear after a night of partying, Beatrice would wordlessly share her notes with her at the end of the lecture. She offered objective advice when Llith talked to her about her relationship but Beatrice thought Lilith was fishing. Lilith was trying to make Beatrice open up about her relationship (or the lack thereof) but Beatrice had nothing to share. Not because she was trying to evade the question but she truly had nothing in her life worth sharing. Every encounter she had were flings or one night stands that never stuck around for long. 

It was only the first year of school, Beatrice thought. They had plenty more time to meet people and if something or someone came along then she’d take the chance but the amount of work she had was enough of a deterrent. 

“I don’t even have time for myself most days,” Beatrice complained.

Lilith just sighed and agreed. School sucked.

Beatrice declined Mary’s invitation to a night out in their third year of school. She told Mary and Lilith that she was going to try being a food delivery rider, which earned her bewildered looks from them. 

They knew Beatrice didn’t actually need the money. So Beatrice explained that she was trying to implement more active hours into her sedentary life as a student. 

“Don’t you train twice a week at the gym?” 

Beatrice gave a vague explanation of how she has stopped attending classes and shrugged it off as her being interested in another hobby.

Lilith took it at face value and dropped the topic. She reminded Beatrice to be careful because motorists in the city were mostly douchebags and to wear a helmet. If Mary had doubts, she said nothing and reminded Beatrice of the same, to stay safe as well. 

“You know where to find us if you change your mind.”

“Of course,” Beatrice answered before excusing herself. 

Her phone chimed shortly after going online on the food delivery app. It told her that the kitchen (McDonald’s) was preparing her order and stated that the food would be ready in 10 minutes.. 

Beatrice picked up the order and did a quick check before leaving the fast-food restaurant. 3 orders of 20 pieces of McNugget, 3 veggie dippers and 3 chicken selects - enough to feed a small party. She tucked the paper bag into the thermal bag sitting on the back of her bicycle and kicked off the stand before taking off. 

The city was alive, bustling. Cars honked and bicycle bells chimed. It smelled like coffee mixed into pollution. People were rushing towards the train stations in an attempt to get home as early as they could. Beatrice meandered through the streets with ease, following the GPS on her phone that was routing her to one ‘Ava Silva’. 

It took her fifteen minutes to reach her destination. She took a moment to tuck her bicycle safely away from the passageway before grabbing the McDonald’s from her thermal bag and took the stairs up to the third floor. 

Loud music leaked out as she neared the door of the unit number shown on her food delivery app. The door swung open just as Beatrice raised her fist to knock on the door, leaving her hand frozen in midair as she got hit by the full volume of music playing in the apartment. 

She flinched. How no one in the apartment building made a noise complaint, nobody knew. 

“Hey!” 

Beatrice was greeted with dishevelled hair, low tank top and one of the most disarming smiles she had ever seen. She had no idea if the one standing before her was Ava Silva but she handed over the bag of food and retreated to the stairway before the girl could even thank her for the delivery. 

It was just a delivery, Beatrice reminded herself as she tightened the strap of her helmet, and she would probably never see her again. Her phone lit up and she read from the notification that ‘Ava Silva’ had tipped her for the delivery. 

Her phone chimed again before she had any time to let her mind wander, “New Order - T0937 Pick Up at Dishoom”. 

The girl who received the McDonald’s delivery was definitely Ava Silva. Beatrice had made several more orders to the same apartment and the same girl greeted Beatrice (they started addressing each other on a first name basis) every single time. 

So far Ava had ordered from the Breakfast Club, DanDan Noodle, Poppies Fish and Chips and Homeslice Pizza. Not that Beatrice was keeping track. The fact that Homeslice Pizza was one of her favourite pizza places was also unrelated. 

She received quite a bit of tips from Ava. Beatrice justified it with her impeccable delivery speed and the perfect condition of the food. She never once spilled any of the items and was always earlier than expected.

It was a late, large delivery again today. Beatrice picked up the three large pizzas and stacked them carefully into her thermal bag before pushing away from the restaurant. 

By then Beatrice had gotten familiar with the streets in her usual delivery area. Being a food delivery rider had its perks. The hours were flexible, Beatrice got to know the neighbourhood better and she got a workout out of it. So far, Beatrice found four more dinner spots and two coffee joints that she liked. 

Beatrice started being aware of Ava’s schedule – well, at least the days Beatrice picked up her shifts as a food delivery rider. On alternative Fridays, there would be a party at Ava’s. The food order was usually massive and from a fast-food restaurant. On occasional Saturday mornings, the orders would call for coffee and pastries. Beatrice did not remember these on purpose at all. Definitely not.

She slowed to a stop at the familiar apartment building and took the same stairs she had taken for her past deliveries and followed the familiar thrumming of music. 

The door swung open before Beatrice even made her way down the corridor to where the music was spilling out of the apartment. Ava poked her head out and waved at her as Beatrice made her way to the apartment. 

“Hey!” 

It got Beatrice to smile as well. It was hard to stop herself from reacting when Beatrice came face to face with a smile as contagious as Ava’s. 

“Pizza for Ava Silva?” 

“That’s me,” Ava took the carrier holding the pizzas together. 

“Good week?” Beatrice asked. She should go. Another minute spent in front of Ava’s apartment meant a possibility of missing an incoming order.

“Even better now that you’re here,” Ava winked, “with the pizza.” 

Beatrice blushed. She glanced at her watch. She really should be going, “glad to be of service. Have a good night, Ava.” 

“Wait!” Ava held her hand out, “five seconds.” 

She watched as Ava rushed into the flat and set the pizzas on the dining table, grabbed a can from a cooler and returned to the door. Some of Ava’s friends peeked over her shoulder and Beatrice tried her best to ignore their curious gazes. 

“Since you can’t join the party, I’ll share a little of the party with you. But don’t drink and drive, that's a little unsafe.” 

“I’m not driving.” 

“You get what I mean.” Ava smiled. 

And Beatrice laughed. Seemed like they had developed into the stage of sharing inside jokes with each other. She accepted the can and nodded at Ava before stepping away from the door. Beatrice also noticed that the sound of music only started fading when she started descending the stairs. 

“Knock knock?” 

“Who’s there?” Beatrice answered as she passed the pizza to Ava.  

“Who.” 

“Who who?” 

“What are you, an owl?” 

The twinkle in Ava’s eyes pulled at the thread slowly wrapping around Beatrice’s chest and tightened. It tugged some of the air out of her lungs.

Beatrice harrumphed, “goodbye, Ava.” 

The joke was bad, execution was bad, and Beatrice was also down, bad. Very bad. 

She turned and left without waiting for Ava to respond, shaking her head as she walked away. Ava’s laughter reverberated through the corridor and Beatrice carried the laughter with her for the rest of the evening. 

Beatrice was en route to Ava Silva with bagels and she briefly wondered if Ava was hosting a morning party because the order called for 7 bagels and Beatrice doubted that Ava could eat 7 bagels by herself. Not because Beatrice thought that Ava was the perfect size to hug, nor was it related to her waist because Beatrice definitely did not ogle at Ava during her deliveries. It was the numerous crop tops Ava always wore. Always the crop tops. Maybe her flat mates could eat 4 bagels. Who else would know? 

They built a budding friendship. A little unorthodox, built on a few sentences at each meeting, never past small talks. Ava always seemed genuinely happy to see Beatrice. Despite the fact that two other people lived with her, it was always Ava who greeted Beatrice at the door. Despite the fact that two other people lived with Ava, it was always Ava’s order she received. She was never assigned to JC or Chanel. And to no one’s surprise, the door to Ava’s apartment swung open right as Beatrice was poised to knock. 

“Bagels for Ava Silva,” Beatrice greeted as she handed over the bag of food to Ava. She noticed the eyebags under Ava’s eyes and the poorly masked frown on her face, “rough night?” 

Unlike the usual crop top which Beatrice was secretly fond of, Ava wore an oversized sweatshirt that was hanging off one shoulder. Beatrice thought it was endearing, but she was also concerned at how exhausted Ava looked. 

“More like a rough semester. We were up all night trying to fix the error in our codes and it’s not working out very well,” Ava sighed. She took the food and rifled through the bag to pull out a chicken and egg bagel and held it out for Beatrice, “for you.” 

Beatrice looked at the offered bagel and shook her head, “no, it’s your order. I can’t take it.” 

“I ordered it for you. Chicken seems the safest. I’m not sure if you have any allergies or  dietary restrictions but I hope this is alright.” 

“That’s very nice of you. No, I do not have any dietary restrictions but I really can’t accept it. You ordered for 7.” 

“Wrong,” Ava corrected her. The creases between her brow softened and she graced Beatrice with a soft smile, the one that Beatrice grew fond of,  ”I ordered 7 bagels. But there’s less than 7 of us here. I ordered an extra for you.” 

“How’d you know I would be delivering your food before you placed the order?” Beatrice acted as if she had not familiarised herself with Ava’s possible schedule, and arranged herself to be in the vicinity during the times Ava would most likely place an order on the app.

“A hunch,” Ava said as she grabbed Beatrice’s hand and forced the bagel into her palm, “and if it was someone else, I would keep the extra bagel and eat it for lunch.” 

Beatrice felt her face heat up from the contact. She forced herself not to overthink the entire interaction and the fact that Ava actually ordered an extra bagel for her. It was unnecessary. People usually do not do that for their delivery riders. 

“Besides, it’s 8am and you’re already out doing deliveries. You need the extra energy. Take it as a token of gratitude from all of us when you always deliver our food on time. We all appreciate hot food.”

“AVAAAAA! DID YOU GET OUR FOOD?” A tired voice called out.

Beatrice took a step back, “that’s my cue.” She raised the bagel and thanked Ava before retreating towards the stairs. 

“Stop flirting with the delivery guy!” 

“So,” Beatrice handed over the bag of food to Ava, “it seems to me that the system is faulty. I keep getting assigned to this one customer again and again.” 

Ava laughed, and Beatrice looked away to avoid getting caught staring. It was getting increasingly difficult not to get pulled into Ava’s orbit because she was magnetizing and very charming when she wanted to be. 

“Maybe because I cancelled the orders that didn’t get assigned to my favourite rider.” 

Beatrice rolled her eyes, “that’s not how it works, and I’m pretty sure you can’t do that.” 

JC walked by the door and waved at Beatrice who returned the gesture. The amount of doorway interaction with Ava had gotten so frequent that JC didn’t even blink or question it when Ava spent minutes at the door just picking up their order. Both Chanel and JC know Ava picked up a new weird habit and they teased her about it in private. 

“It’s fate then,” said Ava. There was a playful glint in her eyes and Beatrice could’ve been mistaken but she swore she saw a brief quirk of Ava’s lips. 

“Why don’t you cook? I’m sure that would be more economically sensible.” Beatrice ignored the statement. If she didn’t acknowledge it, maybe it would go away. ‘It’ being the sensation of her heart tripping whenever Ava said or did something cheesy. 

“Us, cooking?” Ava gestured to JC, Chanel and herself, “more likely to burn the house down than you think. None of us know how to cook. We tried it once and it did not end well.” 

Beatrice contemplated offering to teach Ava (and JC and Chanel) how to cook but they were not technically friends so it seemed like a weird idea. “How about getting a large order from maybe Chipotle and then portioning out so that you get several servings out of one order?” She suggests. 

“How would I get the chance to talk to my favourite rider if I did that, hm?” 

It was the flirting again. They had interacted sufficient times to be considered acquaintances but Beatrice wasn’t quite sure if they considered each other friends. Were they? She shrugged off Ava’s comments as playful flirting - a few people had done it so it was not unique to Beatrice, but only Ava’s words made her heart flutter. 

“I wonder who,” Beatriced feigned ignorance. 

She had let herself be led by honeyed words from women who had too much to drink and crashed into each other with the smell of cigarettes and whiskey lingering between their lips. But Ava wasn’t any other girl in a club seeking a warm body at night. Ava was an enigma.

For some reason, Beatrice did not want to fuck this up. She wanted to get to know Ava as a friend but she knew that if she was to make the first move, she would trip and fall face flat into a crush. 

So she kept her distance but Ava kept pulling. 

Instead of responding, Ava narrowed her eyes and gave her a questioning look. Beatriced tried but she couldn’t help caving.

“You could always ask for my number.” Beatrice chuckled. 

“And extinguish this mysterious meetings between us? I could never.” Ava mocked as she pulled her phone out of her pocket and passed it to Beatrice. 

Beatrice keyed her number into Ava’s phone and pressed ‘dial’. She hung up when she felt her own phone vibrate in her hand. It levelled the playing ground. Instead of letting Ava be the one to dictate when to reach out, Beatrice was in possession of her mobile number as well.

Play smart, not play hard, as Lilith had remarked. 

Her phone went off. A new delivery order came in for Beatrice who accepted it before pocketing her phone. “Now you know how to reach me.” 

“Now I know,” Ava echoed softly.

Beatrice’s phone chimed beside her textbook.

(Ava Silva) 

‘Hi’

‘Hello.’

‘I have a question’

‘?’

‘Are we friends?’

‘I’m quite sure acquaintance is the word you’re going for in this situation.’

‘Acquaintance sounds.. Impersonal”

“Considering how we have only met a few times, it seems more appropriate.”

“Do you want to be friends?”

“I’ll consider.”

“BEATRICE”

"Probationary friendship."

"That doesn't even make sense!"

Chapter Text

Almost a week passed without her phone chiming and alerting her to a new order for Ava Silva. It was just a week. It was normal to not get paired with the same person consistently on the food delivery app, right? Maybe whatever bug that was causing her to be paired with Ava so frequently was fixed by the developer. She briefly considered reaching out since she had Ava’s number. It was not weird to reach out to a friend, she reminded herself

Before she had a chance to decide, her phone chimed. 

‘Order for J. C.’

Beatrice frowned. She checked the address to see that it matched Ava’s. She never paired with JC before. That was new.

A few of the staff greeted Beatrice and made small talks as she entered the restaurant. 

One thing she had learned over the years – make friends with restaurant staff. You get all the perks because they would be extra nice to you and might even throw in free food. Win-win, even as a food delivery rider. They sometimes fed Beatrice food from the kitchen and Beatrice was never one to turn down delicious food. 

The order called for several orders of congee and other dishes from a local Chinese restaurant. She made sure to double check the items before leaving. She waved goodbye to them as she made her way out of the restaurant and hopped onto her bike. The ride over was almost autopilot at that point. She could map out the route to Ava’s in her head if she wanted to. If the app had a tracker, they would probably award her with stupid achievements such as ‘record delivery timing’ or ‘you broke your personal best record!’. 

The door was closed when she arrived in front of their apartment. She knocked on the door and waited. 

JC answered the door, “hey, Beatrice.”

Beatrice frowned, tamping down the urge to cringe at his nasally voice. He looked palid and off-coloured. She handed the food over to JC who sniffled and muttered a very nasally sounding thank you before going on to explain (without being prompted) that all three of them caught a nasty flu without being prompted.

“Chanel probably brought it back. God knows where she went,” he complained, “and now Ava and I are suffering.”

Beatrice nodded sympathetically before saying her goodbyes to JC. She pulled out her phone and sent a quick text - ‘Are you alright?’

The message went through, but no response came. 

She went offline on the delivery app and made the impulse decision to stop by the nearest pharmacy to purchase flu and cough medicine for the three of them. Driven by impulse, she bought three different brands of flu and cough medication, and stopped by a restaurant next door to buy a few containers of soup. That was what friends do for each other, right?

Before she could stop to think and reconsider the implications of her actions, she was back in front of the door of their apartment. She knocked on the door a second time that day.

The door opened to reveal Chanel who looked ready to wrangle whoever knocked on their door, but her features softened when she realized it was Beatrice. 

It was a quick exchange. Beatrice passed the bags of items to Chanel and muttered a soft “get well soon” before turning to leave without any further interaction. 

JC was right. Chanel looked a lot livelier than JC himself. 

When doubts about her own actions started manifesting in her mind, Beatrice logged back onto the app and spent the rest of the day making deliveries. 

The response she anticipated only came through after her last delivery of the day.

(Ava Silva)

'Hey'

'Sorry for the late reply'

'I was out cold'

'Chanel told us you were the one who bought the medicine'

'Thank you'

'You didn’t have to do that'

…

'You’re sweet.'

'No problem. That’s what friends do for each other.'

'JC looked like shit, btw.'

'I’d help you tell him.'

Beatrice chuckled and pocketed her phone. At least she could breathe easy - Ava was not avoiding her. Her ride home was lighter, with the doubts dispelled.

A few days later when her phone lit up with ‘Order for Ava Silva’, Beatrice couldn’t help smiling. 

She picked up the order and made her way to Ava’s. 

The door opened to a still exhausted looking Ava. Her hair was ruffled, and she had heavy bags under her eyes. 

“Order for Ava Silva?” Beatrice greeted the person who had been on her mind, her soft smile ever present.

Before she could take the food from Beatrice, her face contorted in discomfort before she turned her head and muffled her cough into the crook of her elbow.

Ava apologized when she caught Beatrice's concerned gaze.

“How are you feeling?” It was a stupid question. Ava looked like she hadn’t slept in days and was coughing. 

“Better, now that you’re here.” 

Her heart clenched. Beatrice cleared her throat, “how’s Chanel and JC? They looked terrible the other day.” 

Ava went on a spiel of how JC was sneezing and coughing through the nights which kept her up, and Chanel bouncing back within a day like a fucking basketball. But her face brightened after, as if she remembered something. 

She straightened up and wrapped her arms around Beatrice who stiffened. 

Stop. Stop beating so hard. 

“Thank you,” Ava exhaled against Beatrice’s chest. 

The beating in her chest amplified at the contact. Her ears started ringing and she could hear the blood whooshing. Beatrice wasn’t even sure if she was breathing. 

But one thing was for sure. She felt her face burn hot. The blush on her face was definitely undeniable. There was no hiding it from Ava who stepped back and apologised for hugging her. 

She looked at Beatrice and winced, “Sorry, still sick. But wanted to hug you.”

Beatrice nodded dumbly and held out the bag of food for Ava. 

“Thank you, Beatrice.” 

“No problem. It’s my job.” 

“Just a job?” Ava quibbed. 

“And my pleasure,” Beatrice exhaled. 

The response earned her another smile from Ava who said her goodbyes and watched Beatrice leave. 

Beatrice leaned against the wall of the stairwell and sighed. 

She definitely heard it.

The library was busy. People spoke in hushed tones and shuffled between their table and the cafe. The coffee machine crackled and sizzled and the space was buzzing with activities. Beatrice snagged a table further into the library, away from the bustling cafe. 

When Beatrice caught sight of a figure sliding into one of the empty chairs opposite her in her peripheral view, she sighed. It was not the first time someone unceremoniously sat at her table without the courtesy to ask whether the seat was available. She was exhausted. She had an assignment due that evening and she was fretting over it. Dealing with rude strangers who would argue with her was definitely low on her priorities right now. 

She looked up, ready to let whoever was sitting in front of her know that the seats were taken, but came face to face with a beaming smile.

“Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?” Ava greeted albeit too loudly when Beatrice made eye contact with her. 

Beatrice blinked, “Ava?” 

Scratch her previous thoughts. Beatrice took a minute taking in Ava’s appearance. She looked radiant as usual, easy smiles and a fitting haircut to match. The ends of her hair curled like gentle waves and it framed her face perfectly. A little unfair to look that good among all the exhausted and bedraggled students, Beatrice thought. 

“You look well.” 

“All thanks to a very thoughtful friend.” Ava nodded. She scanned across the table - from the open textbook, to the laptop in front of Beatrice and finally back to her face. “The library is packed and I was wondering if I could share the table with you. But if there are people joining you then it’s okay, just trying my luck!”  

Beatrice thought about it and figured that sharing the table wouldn’t hurt. Having Ava there seemed like a better idea than some random stranger.

“Yeah, of course,” Beatrice shifted around to make space, mostly for Lilith who might not appreciate having to share a table with someone else, “but I have a friend joining in a bit. Would that be alright?”

“Of course. I’m the one sharing your space.”

Lilith appeared wordlessly behind Ava who shrieked when she turned to see a looming figure behind her.

“JESUS!” She pressed her palm on her chest to calm herself down.

Beatrice coughed into her hand to stop herself from laughing. “Ava, meet Lilith. Lilith, meet Ava.”

Lilith quirked an eyebrow and tilted her head slightly, “a friend?”

Her mannerism reminded Beatrice of a Dobermann.

Before Beatrice could answer her, Ava had recomposed herself and offered her hand to Lilith.  So she stayed silent and watched as Ava introduced herself to Lilith

“Yes, Beatrice and I are friends,” Ava paused. She turned to Beatrice, “right?”

Recalling her conversation with Ava, she shrugged and left Ava to flounder before Lilith who shook her hand with a curious expression. “I’m Beatrice’s friend, too.”

“Good to know Beatrice has friends. Yup, well, I apologize for crashing your study session. My housemate told me to stay out until 8pm so I have to find a place on campus that would let me finish my assignment. Library was the best bet. There’s no other seats around and I happened to see Beatrice here so I asked if I could share the table.” Ava rambled. 

Lilith nodded wordlessly and slowly set her bag down, as if any sudden movement would cause Ava to bolt. She slowly set her laptop on the table, all the while looking at Ava who continued gesticulating to the both of them that she could go if they wanted her to.

“Ava,” Beatrice called, stopping Ava’s rambling, “it’s okay. You can stay. We are not going to chase you away.”

“Right. Cool!” Ava exhaled, “I’m going to grab a drink from the cafe. Do you want anything?” 

“I’ll go with," Beatrice exchanged a glance with Lilith before getting up to follow Ava. 

It was their first time interacting with each other that was not in front of Ava’s apartment, but they fell into steps easily. Beatrice felt her phone vibrate but she ignored it. She could guess what it was. Lilith probably texted her. She would deal with it at a later time. 

“So, Lord Denning, huh? Law?” 

“Unfortunately.” 

“It’s cool. I know a few people from your faculty.”

“It’s boring, compared to comp-sci.” 

“Are you kidding me? How is spending days staring at lines after lines of code cool?” 

“And musing over the words of a racist and homophobe is fun?” Beatrice challenged.

Ava was unphased as she laughed at the retort. “Touché, Beatrice.” 

They stopped in front of the cafe and Ava looked up at the menu hanging above the cashier. Beatrice already decided on her drink. Both Lilith and her were regulars, after all. But she waited with Ava as she spent awhile deciding on her drink. 

“What are you getting?” Ava asked, obviously undecided. 

“Americano, for both Lilith and I.”

Ava whipped her head around to look at Beatrice, a grimace on her face, “that’s rancid.”

“It’s not for kids.”

Ava’s facial features twitched at the comment.

“Are you calling me a child?”

Beatrice hummed and feigned ignorance, “I didn’t?”

“You did!” 

A loud cough from behind them ended their banter. Ava straightened up and ordered a frappuccino. She stepped aside for Beatrice to order hers and before Ava even realized it, Beatrice had tapped her phone against the payment machine. "I'd transfer the cost of mine."

“I got it. You always tip too much when I deliver your food.” 

Ava considered it for a moment before she nodded, “thanks. I’ll get the next one then!” 

“The next one?” 

“Only if you want to. Study together, I mean.” 

“Yeah, sure.” 

“Great!” 

The two of them stepped away from the cashier and waited at the other end of the counter for their drinks. Beatrice fiddled with her phone and ignored the notifications on her phone.

‘What was that about?’

‘Beatrice, do not ignore me.’

‘Get me an americano and I’d consider letting this go.

‘BEATRICE.’

She shifted her weight between her feet. It felt a little awkward, being left alone with Ava for the first time. Was she supposed to start a new conversation? There was no manual (she searched) for speaking with people you found attractive. The only advice she read was - the lesser you talk, the lesser chance of you making a fool of yourself.

But it wasn’t until Beatrice realized that Ava was also not saying a thing that she looked up at the girl to find her staring. 

“What?” Beatrice shifted again. 

There was a lingering smile on her face and Beatrice swore there was a light blush spreading across Ava’s cheeks. Beatrice subconsciously fiddled with the bridge of her thin metal framed glasses and pushed it up. 

“Nothing,” Ava broke eye contact and looked away for a moment. She took a deep breath and turned to Beatrice again, “you-“ 

“Order for Beatrice!” The barista yelled. 

They jumped apart and Beatrice scrambled forward to pick up their drinks. 

“Here,” Beatrice passed Ava’s to hers before picking up the second cup of americano.

“Thank you.” 

“No worries.”

The walk back to their desk was silent. Beatrice took several deep but subtle breaths to calm her racing heart. She definitely could not function well around beaming sunshine. They made her anxious. 

“You were saying?” Beatrice prompted. Ava was going to say something before they were interrupted. Beatrice wants to know.

“Nothing,” Ava took a sip of her frappuccino. Her shoulders visibly relax as she exhales, “just that I have never seen you with your glasses on.”

“Oh, is it bad?” Beatrice almost dropped the coffee in her hand in her attempt to push her frame up her nose bridge. The straw of the coffee bumped against her nose and she flinched. 

“Does my opinion matter?”

“I suppose?” Of course it did, but Ava didn't have to know. 

“It’s cute.”

Beatrice wondered if the flirting would be her undoing attack because she felt her heart pull against her chest and it clenched within her ribcage. 

“So, do you usually come here?” 

“Most Wednesdays.” Beatrice welcomed the change in topic. Normal questions. She could answer them, no problem.

“So that’s why I never get you as my rider on Wednesdays.” 

“You see me plenty outside of Wednesdays.” Beatrice laughed. 

Ava shook her head and stopped walking, “not enough.”

It was hard not to read into it. Ava flirted so effortlessly that Beatrice wondered if it was intentional.

“So if you would so kindly adopt me for your study session, that would add on to my weekly count of seeing Beatrice.” Ava smiled.

Beatrice knew girls who flirted like it was second nature. But Beatrice didn’t know Ava well enough to make any deduction out of their interaction, so she took it at face value. Reading too much into innocuous flirting would end up in a terrible one sided heartbreak and Beatrice has had enough experience with heartaches to not want to sink her foot into it. Ava was just being friendly, she reminded herself. 

She could also feel Lilith’s bewildered gaze on her. So she broke eye contact with Ava and started walking towards their table again, “of course.”

If Lilith thought the interaction between Beatrice and Ava was weird, she kept it to herself. Maybe she was overthinking it, and decided that it was best to leave it. It still bothered her that Beatrice had never mentioned Ava to her before, and she wondered how they met because Beatrice and Lilith shared almost similar friend circles and she had never heard Beatrice mention Ava’s name. 

Lilith ended up asking Mary if she would like to join their study group. If Beatrice could have a friend join their table, so could she. The invitation then extended to Shannon. Slowly, their small study group started to grow as the weeks passed. From Beatrice, Lilith and Ava, it grew to include Mary, Shannon, Camila (who happened to bump into them while in the library), and Yasmine. 

Beatrice basked in everyone’s presence. Every individual in the study group complemented each other in an odd way. For some reason, Lilith’s Dobermann behaviour had no effect on Camila who just smiled and shrugged it off. Mary kept the group on track and smacked Ava whenever she started derailing others in the group. 

They were an odd bunch, Beatrice thought as she sat back and allowed herself to sink into the thick warmth blossoming in her chest.

(NERDS)

‘Camila: See you guys next week!’

‘Yasmine: This is fun!’

‘Shannon: I might have extra lesson on that day but it doesn’t end late I’ll catch you guys in the library’

‘Ava: 👍🏻👌🏻’ 

‘Beatrice: See you.’

‘Mary: I’ll think about it.’

‘Lilith: ^’

It was another late Friday delivery for Beatrice. The bag contained only two bowls of ramen. It was a deviation from the usual orders of greasy fast food. Beatrice was intrigued, but not enough to distract her from mentally recapping the day’s lecture as she pedaled. 

Finals were approaching. She could take a break from delivery, sure, but she had spent the entire day going through case laws and running through the study notes with Lilith. She would go insane if she had continued throughout the night so picked up her phone, went onto the delivery app and started making a few deliveries as a way to unwind for the night. There might be another reason she went online but nobody had to know, other than her treacherous mind. 

Her body moved in autopilot and before she knew it, Beatrice had stopped at Ava’s apartment building. The usual stairway was void of music that night. She stopped in front of Ava’s door, not even trying to knock anymore. The door swung open to reveal Ava in a comfortable cotton t-shirt and a pair of sleep shorts. 

Ava beamed.

Beatrice brought the paper bag up to eye level, “Ramen for Ava Silva?”

It earned her a laugh from Ava, and Beatrice forced herself to look down to avoid being caught  staring. 

“No party tonight?” 

Ava shook her head as she took the bag from Beatrice and hooked it beside the door, “Chanel’s on a date and JC is feeling under the weather. Thus, the ramen.”

“Again?” Beatrice frowned, “send JC my regards. I hope he feels better soon.” 

“I will.” 

Ava stepped forward and Beatrice froze. She held her breath as she watched Ava adjust her helmet, trying not to stare at the bit of tongue sticking out between her lips. Her cheeks heated up and she felt the urge to bolt.

“There, all done. Gotta make sure my personal delivery rider stays safe.” Ava teased as she retreated into the apartment, “bye, Beatrice. Cycle safe.”

Beatrice blinked when the door closed. It took her a moment to compose herself, but she cleared her throat and uttered a soft goodbye to the door.

Chapter Text

Once in a while, Beatrice would help out at a Chinese restaurant run by a Chinese family. It was a family business, and the elderly couple running the show - Mr and Mrs Wong, refused to sign up as merchants on the food delivery platforms. 

“They take a cut of your profit! 35%! Too high! Not sustainable for us, not profitable. We would rather not.” They’d complained. 

So Beatrice, together with their children, set up a website that allowed people to opt for takeaway and pick up. The pick up function was enabled only when there were riders available, namely Beatrice and the children. No one expected them to run a full fleet by themselves since they were, after all, a small family business. 

They paid Beatrice by each completed trip, and it was slightly more than what she usually earned from the delivery app. Probably because they viewed Beatrice as a friend, some sort of adopted child, rather than a worker or a staff. Beatrice had been patronizing the restaurant since she was in high school. Sometimes they would even make food for Beatrice, free of charge. Beatrice’s favourite was the pan fried dumplings and the ones that Mr and Mrs Wong made were undoubtedly the best in the area. 

The sky rumbled, a telltale sign of a downpour. 

Beatrice was finishing her dinner in the restaurant when a delivery order came in. The youngest Wong was currently running another delivery so Beatrice scarfed down her food and offered to take the newest one. The order was ready within minutes and Mrs Wong passed Beatrice the order chit printed from their own portable printer: ‘Order for Ava Silva.’ 

“Do you know how to go there?” Mrs Wong asked, pointing to the address on the chit..

Beatrice smiled, of course she knew the way, “yes, Mrs Wong. Don’t worry. Be back soon.”

Beatrice learned of a new shortcut to Ava’s after having to make multiple deliveries to the same location. It wouldn’t be fair to claim that Google Maps was wrong, but sometimes it couldn’t offer the most efficient route when it came to the back alleys of the city. It was a little complicated, but it could shave off a few minutes of her travelling time. 

Ava’s wasn’t far from the Chinese Restaurant. But Beatrice worry that the Dan Dan Mian would stick together and dry out if you leave them out for too long. 

The sky rumbled and a strong gust of wind swept the fallen leaves through the streets of London. Heavy raindrops started pelting down against Beatrice’s helmet. 

“Shit!” She cursed as she pedalled faster in an attempt to escape the heavy downpour. 

Honks echoed through the city as drivers started slowing down. Traffic began getting significantly worse as the roads became more congested. People started running for shelter and across traffic lights in their bid to escape the rain. 

Despite her best effort to minimise the time out in the rain, Beatrice was drenched by the time she arrived at Ava’s apartment building. It was just her luck that she wasn’t wearing her usual windbreaker since she was technically not doing any delivery at that moment and she started regretting her life choices. 

She shuffled up the stairs, leaving a trail of rainwater in her wake as she made her way to Ava’s apartment. 

Since the delivery system was not as sophisticated as her usual delivery platform’s app, people who ordered from Mr and Mrs Wong had no way of tracking their riders. Beatrice knocked on Ava’s door, one of the few attempts she had made.. 

The door swung open to reveal an Ava whose eyes widened in horror as she took in the state Beatrice was in. 

“Shit, Bea!” 

There was no smile this time. Ava’s brows were pinched, and worry etched itself across her face.

The nickname sent a shiver down Beatrice’s spine, unrelated to the cold she felt from soaking in her drenched clothes, “Dandan Mian for Ava Silva?”

“You’re drenched!” Ava frowned, ignoring Beatrice’s usual greeting, “do you have any more deliveries after this?” 

Beatrice shook her head. She was in no condition to continue, and she never went online when it was raining even though it would be the most profitable period of time. She preferred staying warm indoors. “Probably not.” 

Ava made a decision and pulled Beatrice into the apartment. Beatrice stumbled and apologised when she saw the puddle of water pooling on the floor of her apartment. 

“I’m not going to let you go back out into the rain. You’re going to catch a cold! Go take a shower. I’ll grab a towel and some clothes for you.” Ava said as she ushered Beatrice further into the house. 

“I don’t want to inconve-“ 

“No, hup. No arguments. Go,” Ava ordered as she closed the bathroom door behind Beatrice.

Beatrice stood awkwardly in the bathroom, contemplating if running out of the apartment was a good idea. But she thought better of it when she started shivering from the cold because of her wet clothes. She pulled out her phone, muttered a quiet thank you to whoever invented the waterproof casing, and sent a quick text to Mr and Mrs Wong, letting them know that she probably couldn’t help with any further deliveries since she got caught in the rain. 

A response came swiftly - “ok”. 

She clicked her phone off and stared at herself in the mirror.

“Okay, Beatrice. Stop fretting.”

She managed to compose herself sufficiently to take a quick, warm shower, and changed into the shirt and sweatpants that Ava very kindly provided. The shirt and sweatpants that Ava gave her was a little form fitting, hugging her figure much more than she would have liked. When Ava gasped at her appearance, she had to force herself to not retreat back into the bathroom to hide because she suddenly felt self-conscious in Ava’s apartment.. 

Ava cleared her throat and offered her tea which Beatrice gladly accepted. She was still feeling cold, despite the hot shower she had just taken. 

“The rain isn’t letting up.” Ava commented as she sipped on her mug of tea. 

They sat on opposite ends of the sofa. Beatrice held her mug and hummed in agreement. She closed her eyes and put the mug directly under her nose, inhaling the sweet aroma of tea and letting the steam warm her cold nose.

“How about 20 questions?” Ava turned on her couch to face Beatrice. 

Trapped by the rain and being unable to leave any time soon, Beatrice agreed and she mimicked Ava, tucking her legs under herself and turning to face the other girl.

That afternoon, Beatrice learned that Ava’s favourite colour was yellow; purple a close second, loved mint chocolate (which Beatrice silently judged her for), favourite cuisine was Mexican because the tacos at El Pastor were to die for and her go to choice of alcoholic drink was a cuba libre. She also learned that Ava’s favourite book was the Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery, that she loved Artemis out of all the goddesses and would love to get a black cat because they were always misunderstood, like ravens. 

Ava shared the story of how she tried feeding the crows at campus in an attempt to make the crows like her so that she could have her own murder of crows. “It’s funny how they’re called a murder of crows. Who are they going to murder, me?” 

It was easy trading little tidbits of information with Ava until the sound of the door being unlocked broke the bubble they were both in. 

“Sup, Beatrice.” JC greeted as he walked past them.

“JC,” Beatrice returned the greeting, “you look better.”

Jc rolled his eyes at Beatrice as he made his way to his room, “I always look amazing.”

“Of course,” Beatrice laughed. She looked out of the window to see that the rain had stopped. She gathered her mug and offered to bring it to the kitchen but Ava stopped her. Beatrice could have sworn that Ava looked a little sad when Beatrice announced that she should probably get going. 

“Thanks for having me, and for the clothes, Ava. I’ll return it as soon as it’s washed.” 

“I’m in no rush to get those back. Don’t worry about it.” 

Ava gestured for Beatrice to wait. She retreated to her room and came out holding a jacket that she smoothly pulled over Beatrice’s shoulder. 

“It’s late and cold out. This should keep you warm until you get home.” She smoothed the jacket down and nodded, proud of her own work. 

Beatrice took a deep breath, filling her lungs with the warmth emanating from Ava’s thoughtfulness. If sunshine had a name, Beatrice was pretty sure that it would be named Ava. 

“Don't be mad at me,” Ava pivoted directly in front of Beatrice and stopped her in her tracks. 

“Hello, Ava,” Beatrice greeted, a little hesitantly. 

Ava looked frenzied and whatever she said sounded a little ominous.

“I’m in a pinch, which I would explain later but,” Ava pulled at Beatrice’s collar, lowering her to face level, “I need you to just stay in this position for awhile.” 

Beatrice instinctively pulled back from the shock of being so close to Ava but Ava gripped onto her collar and held her in place. She caught a glimpse of Michael lingering behind Ava, looking at them, and got a vague idea of what’s going on. 

The comp-sci major had mentioned to them during a short coffee break on one of their study sessions that Michael from her elective class had been trying to ask her out. We went on one date, but he’s really not my type, Ava said. 

Camila, bless her inquisitive heart, poked at that information and asked Ava to show them a picture of Michael. The group chorused in judgmental hums and chatters as they scrolled through Michael’s Instagram profile. It appeared that having a renowned scientist as a mother did little to increase your street creds. He looked decent, like a proper Irish boy, but there was no other distinguishable trait other than the fact that his mother was Jillian Salvius. 

Beatrice looked back at Ava who was looking at her with pleading eyes and Beatrice felt a tug in her chest. She thought about the boa constrictor, and how it felt to have her heart as the next victim to the imaginary reptile in her chest. 

It had been a few months, and she still had not learned how to say no to Ava. Not sure if she ever tried learning. 

Since Beatrice was feeling a little audacious, why not play it up - she had nothing to lose. Ava was the one who approached her first. So she smirked and leaned closer to Ava, ignoring the pounding in her chest and the way Ava’s eyes briefly fluttered between her eyes and lips, and nudged her nose gently against Ava’s. 

She suppressed the want (the need) to lean further into Ava whose lips parted. 

Ava remained frozen as Beatrice looked over Ava’s shoulder and locked eyes with Michael. She raised an eyebrow, a silent taunt - daring him to say or do something. 

Michael stared, wide eyed. 

Beatrice straightened up and smirked at Michael who had been watching their interaction with narrowed eyes, and felt a weird sense of victory when Michael broke eye contact and slinked away. 

“He’s gone now,” Beatrice said softly.. 

But there was no response. She looked down to see Ava spaced out, still staring at Beatrice’s shoulder.. 

“Ava?” 

Ava blinked and took a step back, muttering something about forgetting her textbook in the lecture theatre before spinning around and bolting. 

Beatrice worried for a moment that she overstepped but her phone buzzed with a new message from Ava.

(Ava Silva) 

‘Thanks for playing along.’

‘You alright?’

‘Yeah, I just remembered that I left my textbook in LT 37 and had to grab it before it's lost forever. It would cost me my other liver.’

‘Okay.’

‘See you tomorrow?’

‘Pizza tomorrow?’ 

‘Fuck yes!’ 

Beatrice took a glance at the bottom right corner of her screen and excused herself. Most of them grunted a response, too engrossed in their own assignments or lectures to bother.

She stepped out of the library and into the garden just outside of the building. The benches scattered through the garden were unoccupied. Students milled about, heads buried as they tapped on their phones. 

The first few times it happened, Ava chalked it up to coincidence. Perhaps Beatrice had to take a call or she just happened to leave the table at similar timings on multiple days. 

It wasn’t until Ava made eye contact with Lilith on one of their study sessions that Lilith rolled her eyes and explained, for reasons unknown, the reason Beatrice always leave the table at or around the same time each day. 

Ava noticed things, sometimes. Probably only when it piqued her curiosity or it affected her personally. 

The sun was setting, casting an orange glow over the buildings surrounding the campus. Beatrice closed her eyes, tilted her head upwards and took a deep breath, briefly noting the difference from the stale, circulated air in the quiet library. 

Someone sat down beside her. 

“Hey.” 

Looking at the sunset and hearing the voice made her heart flutter. She opened her eyes to meet Ava’s soft gaze. 

“Hi.”

“Lilith told me you’re out doing your ‘weird little routine’,” she curls her fingers into air quotes, “and that you’d be back in fifteen.” 

Beatrice laughed and shook her head. Of course Lilith would find it weird. 

It was a routine she picked up in their first year, when it felt like everything was too much and she needed a breather. The first time she walked out of the library in the midst of a study session with Lilith, she stepped out into the sunset. At that moment, it felt freeing. It reminded her that no matter how rough it was, the day still end and the circular notion of life would repeat. No matter how hard she tried or how much effort she put into that day, it would mean nothing the next. 

Sure, people would chalk it up into some form of cumulative effort that they would reap the fruits at the end of their journey. But when it came to protecting your own sanity and keeping yourself grounded, it didn’t matter. In the grand scheme of things, the day to day pressure meant nothing. 

She remembered the warmth of the sunset against her skin. At that moment, it made her feel as if nothing was as pressing as life made it to be. 

So it became a habit. A way to remind herself that the universe slept as they did, and rose as they did. No matter how bad the day was, it would end the same time as the days of millions others. 

“It’s a reminder to myself that even bad days end.” 

Ava hummed in response. 

“And it's good to take a break after hours of staring at the screen.” Beatrice continued. 

“I’m sure.” 

Beatrice looked over to see Ava closing her eyes and tilting her head towards the setting sun. Ava reminded her of the sun. She watched as Ava took a large breath, held it in her chest for a moment before releasing it. 

Stop staring. Stop staring. Stop staring. 

“Perhaps I should start this habit as well.” Ava’s eyes were still closed, basking in the ebbing warmth of the sun. 

Ava opened her eyes and looked at Beatrice. Her eyes skated around her features for a moment. Her lips curled, gently. 

It gave Beatrice another reason to love the sunset, looking at Ava. It also dawned on her then, that it was easy.

It was easy; to fall for Ava Silva.

The same way the sun rose and set every single day, inevitably. Her heart ran and plunged head first, inevitably, into the warmth that was Ava Silva. It also felt like rain falling on a stormy day, relentless and in matching pace as your heart beats against your chest, over and over. 

The two of them continued their antics, much to the chagrin of their friends. Everytime Michael appeared in the library, Ava immediately moved closer to Beatrice. Shannon shook her head like a disapproving mother but said nothing. Mary just fake gagged at their public display of affection.  Lilith, for most parts, ignored them. 

But Camila would always smile at them with a mischievous glint in her eyes. 

Beatrice started becoming emboldened after a while. She started doing things such as insisting on walking on the outer side of the sidewalk, holding doors open for Ava, helping Ava carry some of her items whenever she was encumbered. 

Then she started guiding Ava by the waist when they were in a crowded space, throwing her arm around Ava’s shoulders when she spotted Michael and walking Ava back to her apartment after school (if her schedule permits). 

If Ava minded it, she seemed to be doing the opposite of objecting. She started sidling up to Beatrice during their study sessions even in the absence of Michael, leaning onto Beatrice when she had her arm around her shoulder and her cheeks often colouring when Beatrice placed her hand on her lower back to guide Ava when her head was lowered while texting. 

Their friends exchanged knowing glances whenever they noticed Beatrice’s supposed subtlety but refrained from commenting. Yasmine thought it was sweet that Beatrice was willing to put herself out there to make sure Ava was not bothered by Michael, and claimed that she would do the same for her best friend.

Camila burst into laughter, “sure, Jan.” 

They discussed their plans for the weekend when Ava brought up that JC managed to score some VIP tables at the OCS. Mary and Shannon were quick to agree, offering to buy the first two rounds of drinks. Lilith chimed in for the third round and Yasmine agreed out of fear that she would be missing out. Camila teased Yasmine for succumbing to peer pressure and informed them that she would show up if her schedule permits. Beatrice shrugged and let them know that she would consider.

She had stopped going to the clubs, for several reasons. 

The group disbanded for the day as they made their way to their next appointment, leaving Ava together with Beatrice because Lilith had to attend an interview for her summer internship. 

They stopped in front of the campus lift. Ava pivoted and looked at Beatrice. 

“So would you come to the club with us?” Ava stepped into the lift with Beatrice following close behind. 

“I’d think about it.” 

The lift door closed. The number on the display changed with every level passed. 

“What’s there to think about?” 

“Whether I’ve assignments due, whether I’ve an early class, whether it’s worth me losing sleep over.” Beatrice leaned against the railing of the lift. 

“Am I not worth losing sleep over?” Ava narrowed her eyes and leaned closer to Beatrice. 

“I-“ 

The lift jerked, causing Ava to lose her balance. She fell towards Beatrice who caught and steadied her. But she caught the anxiousness in Ava’s eyes as it widened. 

Her eyes started darting between Beatrice’s and her fists clenched, balling Beatrice’s shirt. 

The light flickered. 

“Fuck,” Ava cursed. 

Her breathing started getting shallower, her facial expression warped into one of fear. 

The usual humming of the elevator quietened into nothing. 

Ava panicked. She pushed away from Beatrice and rushed to the lift panel, jabbing against the ‘call’ button. When no response came through, Ava opted to press on the bell button repeatedly. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” 

“Ava?” 

Ava started hyperventilating. She grabbed onto the railing nearest to the lift panel and leaned heavily against it as her knees buckled. 

Beatrice barely had time to close the distance and catch her before she collapsed. 

“Ava!” 

Ava was pale and cold sweat started breaking out of her forehead. Her frenzied eyes started darting everywhere but Beatrice so she grabbed Ava’s face with both her hands. 

“Ava, you need to breathe,” Beatrice tried to keep Ava’s eyes on her. 

“I can’t, I-“ Ava wheezed, her fingers curled tightly around Beatrice’s forearm. 

“I know, I know. It’s difficult and scary now but I’m here,” Beatrice closed the distance and leaned her forehead against Ava’s, enveloping Ava’s vision and forcing her to focus, “focus on me.” 

Ava’s eyes stopped darting, but her breathing was still shallow. 

“Easy,” Beatrice coaxed, putting slight pressure on her palms, squeezing Ava to ground her. “Breathe with me.” 

Ava dutifully followed Beatrice’s instructions, the gentle instructions of inhale, and exhale. With every cycle, her grip loosened, her posture slackened. 

“That’s my girl,” Beatrice stroked Ava’s cheeks with her thumb, “you’re doing so well.” 

Ava swallowed.

“Now, can you tell me something that you can see, smell, touch, and hear?” 

“I hear your voice.” 

Beatrice hummed, “good, go on.” She ran her hand up Ava’s arm and urged her to continue. 

“I can feel your skin.” Ava kept her eyes on Beatrice. 

“I can smell your shampoo. I can see you.” 

Beatrice nodded, still keeping her forehead pressed against Ava, letting her feel the slight movement of her head to stimulate more of Ava’s senses. “Good. Continue breathing with me.” 

Ava kept her eyes on Beatrice. 

Inhale, exhale.

The lights flicked on, the soft humming resumed. The lift jerked into motion, causing Ava to grab onto Beatrice again. 

“It’s okay, I got you.” Beatrice held onto Ava as tightly as she could without hurting her.

Ava slowly peeled herself away from Beatrice. Relying heavily on her for support, Ava clambered to her feet and leaned against the wall. Her hair was plastered to her face from the panic attack, and her face was pale. 

Instead of letting go, Beatrice continued holding Ava steady until they reached the ground floor. The doors opened up and Ava wasted no time in rushing out of the lift and past the group of students waiting for the lift with Beatrice in tow. 

She let her legs carry her as far as they possibly could until her knees buckled again. 

Beatrice cushioned the fall by catching Ava and slowly lowering her down onto her knees. 

“Sorry, just need a minute.” Ava choked out. 

Beatrice took a seat beside Ava and leaned against the wall, “take all the time you need.” 

People walking past paid them no mind, since it wasn’t anything out of the extraordinary. Students sat along the sidewalks at weird locations and the most inconvenient spots. 

Ava leaned her head back against the cold wall and exhaled.

Her hands had stopped shaking and she could feel her limbs again. 

“Sorry.” She apologised. 

“You have nothing to apologize for.” 

It was true. Nobody asked for panic attacks. Nobody asked to carry emotional baggage. Nobody asked for bad things to happen to them on a regular day. 

“Still,” Ava sighed. She pulled her knees against her chest and dropped her head onto her knees. 

“Nobody asked for battles, Ava.” Beatrice mimicked Ava’s posture and leaned her cheek against her knee to look at Ava. 

She looked small, and frail. It made Beatrice want to wrap her up in a blanket and keep her away from all the bad things in the world. 

“I just…” Ava paused. 

Beatrice stayed silent. She could wait. In your own time, she wanted to say. 

“I don’t do well with cramped spaces. A working lift is fine. My brain could tell that I would be out within seconds. But one that has me trapped in it…” Ava stopped. She took a deep breath, and exhaled shakily. She repeated it a few times to compose herself. “I don’t like the feeling of being trapped and being unable to get out. I experienced it when I was younger; in a car crash.”

The pieces clicked. Why they stayed on the third floor, why they stayed at a location near campus and why Ava always had parties. 

“I was pinned into my seat. I couldn’t get my legs out of the wreckage.” Ava turned her palm over and set it between them, a silent plea for support. 

Beatrice laced her fingers between Ava’s and squeezed - I’m here. 

“When they finally extracted me from the accident site, I already lost the feelings in my legs. I had to go through intense physiotherapy to be able to walk again.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“No,” Ava wiped the falling tears with her other hand, “don’t be.” 

It made Beatrice’s heart ache. She wanted to reach out, to be the one to wipe away her tears. She wanted to take Ava into her arms and never let go. She wanted to hold her close and tell her that everything will be okay. 

But she couldn’t. So she settled for squeezing Ava’s hand. 

“It’s getting late,” Beatrice looked away and at the sky. 

The sun was setting. 

“Yeah,” Ava agreed but made no effort to move. 

They sat in silence, watching the hues of the sky change for a few minutes before Beatrice made the choice to stand up, pulling Ava with her. 

She kept her hand entangled in Ava’s as she meandered through campus and out onto the familiar route she had cycled on multiple times. Her grip never loosened on the way up the stairs and up until the familiar door that she rarely had to knock on. 

Ava unlocked the door and stepped in. Beatrice slowly let go of her hand. Ava turned to face Beatrice and thanked her for being there. Beatrice smiled. 

“Of course.” 

Ava rocked on her toes once, her lower lip pulled between her teeth before she stepped forward and pressed her lips against Beatrice's cheeks.

“Goodbye.”

Beatrice stared at the door that clicked shut in her face again. She blinked. 

I’m going crazy.

Chapter Text

Beatrice found Ava adopting her habit of stepping out of the library at dusk to catch the sunset together. They’d sit on the bench until the hues of the sky shifted into a dull glow before rejoining their friends. 

Yasmine joined them for a few times, claiming that she could use a breather until one day Camila grabbed Yasmine as she was standing up and pulled her back into her seat. She frowned at Yasmine before turning to Beatrice and Ava who were waiting for Yasmine, and explained that they had to rush a project so Yasmine wouldn’t be joining. 

“Wha-”

Camila shushed Yasmine and waved Beatrice and Ava away. 

They took a seat on their usual bench and spent a few minutes in silence, just unwinding and decompressing in their own capacity. 

“This is actually a good idea,” Ava leaned back and rested her arms on the back of the bench. 

“What is?” 

“This. Take a break from studying to watch the sunset.” 

Beatrice hummed. 

“It makes the world seem more alive, and less… grey. I don’t mean it in a negative way. It’s just that we spend the majority of our time indoors. The colours of the walls are dull. The artificial light makes everything too harsh and fake. The constant staring at our computer screens. Most times we rush between school and house just to get our assignments done. We barely took the time to enjoy the little things.” Ava explained. 

She had her eyes closed, and Beatrice’s were trained on her, trailing over her features as she sat unmoved. When her eyes opened and met Beatrice’s, she smiled. 

“Maybe you should catch the sunrise too. You can watch the world wake up.” Beatrice suggested, her eyes never leaving Ava’s. 

There were things in life that you could pretend they do not exist and perhaps in some twisted way they would cease to exist. But whatever was growing between them, Beatrice couldn’t find it in herself to ignore it. She leaned into it, craved it, and wanted to amplify it. She might be playing with fire but it was keeping her warm at night. 

Ava broke eye contact first. She looked down at her palms resting on her lap and then back up at the sky, over the horizon where the sun was setting. 

“I don’t think I need to catch the sunrise to be able to watch my world wake up.” 

Beatrice looked away and up at the sky as well, leaving the statement to linger between them. 

Then Ava laughed, and claimed that unlike Beatrice, she could never find it in herself to wake up before 8am since she worked better at night. 

So Beatrice casually mentioned how she could share the sunrise with Ava, “if you’re interested.” 

The smile she received was a sufficient answer for Beatrice.

(Ava Silva)

‘(Image) - 7am’

‘Good morning.’

‘Three sunrises in a row?’

‘You’re killing it!’

‘Good morning, Ava’

‘You know, I was meaning to watch the sunrise’

‘But then I realize I’m just not up for it’

‘No.’

‘(Image) - 6:57am’

‘Good morning.’

‘I couldn’t figure out when sunrise was supposed to be’

‘Ava, no.’

‘Then it dawned on me’

‘Come on, Bea. That was funny.’

‘Were you at hyde park?’

‘Yes.’

‘I guess that’s why the sun couldn’t hyde from you’

‘Goodbye.’

‘(image) - 7:01am’

‘Good morning.’

‘Do you prefer sunset or sunrise?’

‘I don’t have a preference.’

‘Because they both seem to have their ups and downs’

‘Nvm.’

(Lilith Villaumbrosia)

‘So do you want to talk about it?’ 

‘About what?’ 

‘Ava.’ 

‘There’s nothing to talk about.’ 

‘You guys have been skirting
around each other. 
And we all have eyes,
Beatrice.’ 

‘We’re not skirting.
I don’t know what you’re
 talking about.’ 

‘Come on, sport.
What’s holding you back?’ 

Beatrice stared at her screen and sighed. So many things, Lilith. So many. She typed and deleted her messages several times. Nothing fit. Nothing could describe the mess of emotions in her chest and the very sinister voice in her head that kept telling her she would mess this up. 

How do you tell someone that you’re afraid of losing something you never had in the first place?

‘She’s not Lucia.
She’s not going to shatter you.’ 

The name made her heart clench. She should have known that Lilith knew. Lilith was observant, and far too smart for her own good. Of course she would’ve had it figured out. 

‘No, she’s not. She’s so much more.
If I step into it, 
I might never come back.
Not just shatter.’ 

Heartache, she could deal. Maybe. She’d replace her shattered heart with another, vowed to never fall for honeyed words again. But losing herself, her entire being to someone else who might not find her, scared her. 

‘No one can be a hundred percent s ure in
a relationship, Beatrice. Even the older
couples fall apart. But would you 
rather have experienced the good,
or not at all?’ 

‘I don’t know, Lilith.’ 

Most relationships were built on blind faith. Two people meet in the middle and they decide whether or not to build their foundation together. Some tried but built their city on shaky ground. Some built it up to tear it down. There was no definite. 

‘She looks at you the same,
even if you try to deny it.’ 

‘Like what.’ 

‘Like how you usually watch
the sunrise and sunset.’ 

The feeling in her chest pulled even tighter. Beatrice loved the sunrise and sunset. 

‘What if it doesn’t pan out well, Lil?’

‘What’s the worst of it?’ 

‘I might lose my sun.’ 

The world was simultaneously brighter and gloomier with Ava - when she saw her and when she didn’t. It was a scary thought, how much someone could affect your perspective of the world

Beatrice reached up and felt for her helmet. It sat on her head, albeit a little skewed. She blinked. People were rushing toward her and their movements were frantic. They were speaking too quickly. Were they talking to her? 

The route she was so familiar with now looked so different from a different angle. The buildings stood a little taller, the traffic was a little louder and the sky seemed further away. 

Traffic had stopped despite the lights being green. Her ears started ringing from the repeated blaring of car horns. 

People reached out, asking if she was okay. Beatrice nodded. They sounded frantic. They told her quite gently, despite the hurriedness of it all, that they would have to shift her. She watched as some others picked up the tangled remains of her bicycle and moved it onto the pavement. 

Someone else was lying on the floor, unconscious. Pieces of food and scrap metals littered the floor. Her order, forgotten. 

Beatrice nodded again. 

Her shoulder burned the moment someone tried to put her arm over their own. She winced and pulled back. The strangers immediately dropped her arm and apologised.  

A familiar face appeared in front of her and kneeled before frantically cradling her face with their hands. 

“Bea!” 

The strangers stepped away, giving them space. Ava looked at them for an explanation, a silent request to bring her up to speed while still holding onto Beatrice. 

Her shoulder was dislocated, Beatrice figured. She shifted herself with her good arm, startling everyone out of their conversation. Ava was quick to support, making sure to avoid jostling her arm. She grabbed onto Beatrice’s waist and helped her up. 

She vaguely registered the sound of the siren. 

A team of medic hopped out of the vehicle and separated into groups, attending to the different people at the scene. 

Ava stayed by Beatrice’s side as one of the medics assessed her. She requested to ride to the hospital together with Beatrice and waited at the hospital until Beatrice was escorted back to the waiting room by a nurse.

Mild concussion, dislocated shoulder and superficial wounds, the nurse explained. Ava nodded, listening intensely to everything the nurse said. 

“She’s lucky. The other guy got the worse end of the stick. Take care of her. Make sure she rests and take it easy for a few days.” 

There was a mild throbbing in Beatrice’s head, distracting her from the swell of affection growing in her chest as she finally looked at Ava. She watched as Ava thanked the nurse and walked over to her, taking her arm gently as she guided her out of the crowd and wailing mess.

Lilith was waiting for them at the entrance of the hospital, tapping furiously away on her phone. She quickly pocketed her phone when she spotted them. 

“Ava,” she greeted before turning her attention to Beatrice who had been quiet for the entire day. Her voice softened when she addressed Beatrice. 

They discussed the care plan for Beatrice and decided that the best course of action was for Beatrice to stay with someone else since she shouldn’t be left alone for a few days. It ended with them deciding that it would be best if Beatrice stayed with Ava since JC and Chanel would be around in case Ava had to step away. Beatrice protested against the plan but Lilith rolled her eyes and left her with no rooms for argument. 

Lilith was right but Beatrice didn’t want to trouble Ava, or JC and Chanel. She had taken care of herself for years, and she could do it still, despite the injury. She knew that she wouldn’t rest easy at someone else’s house.

It was a weak excuse, because Ava was adamant that Beatrice stay with them and JC and Chanel were equally worried about her. They were friends, and friends cared for one another. 

Once the plan was finalised, Lilith dropped Ava and Beatrice off before driving off to pick up some clothes for Beatrice. 

Ava tried to steer Beatrice towards the lift but the injured girl refused, opting to direct them towards the stairs.

JC and Chanel were quick to fuss over Beatrice the moment they stepped through the door, directing her to the shower where Chanel had already left a set of spare clothes in the bathroom. 

Lilith returned shortly with a backpack of clothes and Beatrice’s laptop. She pulled Ava into the kitchen after setting the bag down and spoke in hushed tones.

They kept their volume low as they kept their eyes on the corridor, mindful of Beatrice’s presence, throughout their conversation. 

Beatrice spent a while in the shower, letting the hot water wash away the blood and grime of the day. Exhaustion sat heavy on her shoulders. Her bad shoulder ached and throbbed while her skin burned. It had been a long day and not being in her own house was making her irritable. 

She couldn't remember or recall the happenings of the day. It felt like there was a gap in her memory. One moment she was on the way to Ava’s with her food order, almost at the apartment, and then she was on the road the next. 

Her head throbbed in sync with the ache in her shoulder. She drew a deep breath and gritted her teeth. The set of clothes they provided were too small for her. They wrapped too tightly around her arms and her legs. The fabric rubbed uncomfortably against her skin. The sling was annoying at best, restricting her movements even further. It was frustrating.

Everyone stopped talking when Beatrice exited the shower. Lilith was the first to push off from the counter and approach her. 

“I know you don’t like the arrangement. But you’re not supposed to be left alone now.” Lilith apologised. 

Beatrice exhaled and unclenched her jaw. Lilith sighed. She glanced at Ava before looking at Beatrice again. 

“It's getting late. I have already emailed Professor Suzanne and informed her that you were involved in an accident. She sent her regards and told you to look for her when you’re better.” She gave Beatrice’s arm a gentle squeeze, “call me if you need anything.” 

Beatrice nodded. 

Sensing the heaviness in the air, JC and Chanel bade their good nights and retreated to their respective rooms, leaving Ava alone with Beatrice whose posture was rigid. 

The fabric continued irritating her skin. 

“Bea,” Ava called, voice soft. 

It got Beatrice to look at her. 

With tentative steps, Ava crossed the distance and reached out for Beatrice, wrapping her hands around Beatrice’s wrists. Beatrice subconsciously unclenched her fists at the touch. 

“Are you feeling alright?” 

Beatrice exhaled and nodded. She didn’t have it in her to tell Ava that she would like to be back at her own apartment. Deep down, she knew Ava was doing this out of concern. Her irritability was not caused by Ava. It was not Ava’s fault. If anything, she should be feeling grateful that Ava had stayed throughout it all and even insisted on taking care of her. But she couldn’t relax at all. She wanted to scratch at her skin that felt foreign to her, to leave the place she was not home in, and to sear a mark into her own palm to stop the urge to clench her fists. 

“I…” she paused. She sighed and shook her head, opting to lead Beatrice into her room where she had prepared everything. The medications were on the bedside table beside a glass of water, and were extra pillows in case Beatrice needed it to cushion her arm. 

“Everything has been prepared for you. If you need anything, just call for me. I’ll just be down the hall.” 

Down the hall? 

Beatrice pulled Ava back with her good hand when Ava whispered goodnight. She wrapped the hand around Ava’s waist and pulled her close, wrapping her in an awkward hug. 

Ava was motionless for a moment before she snaked her arms around Beatrice, squeezing gently to avoid hurting her. 

“Bea,” Ava’s voice cracked. 

They stayed wrapped as Ava’s shoulders shook. 

The day’s events finally caught up to the both of them. Beatrice finally felt the exhaustion in her bones and how her body had been in overdrive for hours. Her heightened senses from the traumatic event had made her irritable as her body was running on adrenaline to deal with the damage. Her body relaxed into Ava’s embrace. 

“Thank you.” Beatrice whispered into Ava’s hair as she held her close. 

“I’m sorry.” Ava apologised. Ava was barely holding herself together throughout the entire day in the face of a bloodied Beatrice who almost died at her doorstep, because of her. 

“It wasn’t your fault.” 

“It was. It was my order and-“ 

“You didn’t force me to. It was a job I took up.” 

“But-“ 

“Thank you for being by my side.” Beatrice interrupted, refusing to let Ava dwell.

Ava hands curled into the borrowed sweater, holding Beatrice even closer. 

Beatrice’s eyelids were drooping. But she refused to pull away from Ava who was clinging onto her. They continued staying in each other’s arms for a good while before Ava finally peeled away to look at Beatrice with bloodshot eyes. 

“I was so scared,” she whispered, “scared that I would lose you.” 

Beatrice just shook her head and exhaled. Her body was fighting for rest now. It was getting increasingly difficult to stay awake and Ava noticed. She hurriedly dabbed at her eyes and took a step back to excuse herself so that Beatrice could rest but Beatrice kept her hand on Ava. “Stay?” 

The tension in her jaw was gone, replaced by exhaustion. Words remained unspoken between them as they skirted around each other. But it was obvious that Beatrice wanted Ava near, and Ava indulged her in her request. She nodded and closed the door behind them. 

When Beatrice looked at her again, she felt herself gravitate towards Ava who stood unmoved. She leaned in close, and Ava’s eyes bore into hers. But a voice in her mind nagged at her. 

So she dropped her head onto Ava’s shoulder. She would lie and say she was doing it for Ava. She would lie and say that it was because Ava had no self-preservation tendencies and she was extending kindness to Ava by stamping out the spark before it caught on fire and burned Ava in the process. She would lie and say that she did it for Ava. 

But Beatrice was a coward refusing to own up to her feelings and had chosen to string Ava along in the game of would we, wouldn’t we.

She felt the shaky exhale from Ava and felt her own heart clench. 

Ava nudged Beatrice gently and led her to the bed, making sure to help her settle into the bed before sliding under the covers. She reached out and caressed Beatrice’s face gently.

Beatrice tried her best to stay awake but the gentle touches and the exhaustion of the day quickly pulled her under.

Chapter Text

Beatrice bolted upright, stared ahead of her for a moment before scrambling out of the bed that wasn’t her own. She beelined for the overnight bag she vaguely remembered Lilith had packed for her, digging through it frantically. 

A soft voice called out to her, but she ignored it. 

She ignored it until a pair of hands settled on her forearm. It stopped her for a brief moment. Brief enough for her to look up at Ava who was frowning. 

“Bea.”

Beatrice squinted. The throbbing in her head wouldn’t stop. Everything was too loud, too bright, and moving too quickly for Beatrice. She frowned. Annoyance bubbled in her chest at how everything felt too disoriented. 

Ava approached the non-verbal Beatrice quietly, speaking softly as she guided Beatrice onto the couch. 

Malleable under Ava’s worried gaze, she obliged and took a seat on the couch. 

“What’s going on? Are you alright?” 

“I’m late.” 

Brightly lit room and the incessant honking, signs of the late morning. Beatrice panicked again when she remembered why she was sifting through her bag, but the hands on her shoulders squeezed, grounding her.

“Late for what?” 

“Class starts at 8am it’s bright now that means I’m late I need to get to school and I-“ 

“It’s a Saturday, Bea.” Ava looked pained, “you’re not late.” 

Beatrice paused again. 

“It’s okay. You’re okay.” Ava started rubbing gentle circles with her thumb. 

The memories from the previous night started filling in the gaps. She was involved in an accident while making a delivery, dislocated her shoulder from the terrible fall and had a mild concussion. The mental calendar in her brain was fuzzy but they started to piece themselves together and her mind recalibrated.

Ava sat with her until she relaxed.

“Right,” Beatrice finally met Ava’s gaze. She apologised for her freak out and allowed herself to sink into the couch. Guilt almost sat in from her frenzied behaviour, but Ava merely smiled as she straightened up. 

“Nothing to apologize for. I made some breakfast. Join me?” Ava stood up and offered her hand to pull Beatrice up. She changed the topic, shifting the attention away from Beatrice’s panic induced mania. The topic ranged from her comp-sci assignment which Beatrice couldn’t offer any inputs on, to the recent soccer game JC had played. Ava even suggested they support him during his next game.

Breakfast was simple, pancakes and eggs. Beatrice quietly noted the scattered ingredients and piled up dishes in the sink. The kitchen looked like a whirlwind swept through it and left a mess in its wake.

She looked up to see Ava sneaking glances at her, her own plate of pancakes untouched. Ignoring her curious gaze, Beatrice cut into her own plate of food and took a bite. The pancakes were surprisingly fluffy and the eggs were a little salty but Beatrice wasn't complaining, especially if they were made by Ava.

“Aren’t you going to eat?” Beatrice pointed at Ava’s plate with her fork. 

It prompted Ava to cut into her own plate of food and shove the food into her mouth. 

They ate in relative silence but Beatrice could feel Ava buzzing with restless energy. 

“The food was fantastic. Compliments to the chef.”

It hit the nail on the head because Ava immediately preened under the compliment. 

Beatrice found herself smiling along with Ava who started talking excitedly about a new cooking channel she discovered on YouTube and how she had been watching their videos. She offered to watch them together with Beatrice if she wanted, and of course Beatrice couldn't say no especially when Ava looked so happy to be sharing her latest obsession. 

The clean up was a slow process. Ava fumbled around the kitchen and refused to let Beatrice help, given that there were limited things Beatrice could do with a single arm despite insisting that she was okay and could help. It ended up with Ava chasing her back to the living room with a mug of coffee on hand, with strict instructions that Beatrice needed to rest. 

Beatrice resigned herself to retreating to the couch. The dull throb in her arm was back. She sighed and sipped at her coffee, distracting herself until Ava joined her, nursing her own mug of coffee. 

The silence lingered between them. Beatrice was tempted to let it linger for longer, unwilling to confront her own feelings. Feelings that she had suppressed and hated since young started creeping up on her.

Sometimes, Beatrice wished Ava would push her to open up but Ava wouldn’t. Ava would sit and wait for Beatrice to reach out. Her level of understanding worked as a double edged sword. Beatrice adored her for it, but it also made her realise that she had to take the first step because Ava would not push her before she was ready. 

‘She’s not going to shatter you.’ 

Beatrice repeated the sentence again and again in her head. She took a deep breath and braced herself before turning to Ava who mirrored her movements. The attention Ava provided was enough to urge Beatrice on. 

“I don’t really know how to behave in these situations, or how I should behave. I’ve never really… gotten myself into these situations often. Not since a long time ago. I apologise for being difficult. I still have some things that I have to unlearn.” 

A stranger would’ve understood nothing from the confession but Ava nodded. She placed a hand on Beatrice’s, encouraging her to go on. 

“I don’t want to inconvenience you, or JC or Chanel. You can tell me if I am. I’d get out of your hair. In case you feel like you have to take care of me because you felt resp-“

“It's not that,” Ava cut her off, “I would’ve offered to take care of you in any circumstances, Bea. You could never be an inconvenience.”

“I’m not an easy person to care for, Ava.”

“I’ll take care of you. We all would.” 

“It’s rotten work.” 

“Not to me. Not if it’s you.” 

Beatrice felt blood rushing to her face as her chest tightened.

‘She’s not going to shatter you.’ 

She turned her hand over and laced her finger through Ava’s. Her decade old fears were temporarily silenced as she reminded herself that it was okay to ask for help, that it was okay to accept help. 

“Plus, this isn’t a one way street. Remember how you got us, all three of us, flu and cough medication without us asking, and how you stayed with me and made sure I was alright? How would you have felt if I pushed you away?” 

“Hurt.” 

Ava nodded, “so remind yourself that the same applies to those who care about you.” 

“I’m sorr-“ 

“I’m saying that not to make you feel bad. I’m reminding you that reciprocity goes both ways.”

“I’ll try.” 

“And that’s all I ask.”

They sat in silence, just letting their conversation settle. It wasn’t particularly heavy, nor was it damning in any way but it was weighing on Beatrice who never trusted herself with anyone else; not even Lucia in the brief time they were together. 

She tried to think of the last time she talked about her inability to place her well-being in someone else’s hand. Her memory came up empty. 

It took a good few minutes before Beatrice reluctantly pulled away from the warmth they had settled into. She missed the feeling of having Ava’s hand in hers the moment she let go but the throbbing in her head and the dull ache in her arm was starting to irritate her. 

She adamantly refused to take the painkiller despite Ava’s insistence. Her stubbornness led her into the bedroom with Ava shaking her head at her as she forced Beatrice to rest. They settled against the headboard, sharing tidbits of information with each other. As the fatigue set in, Beatrice found herself burrowing deeper into the bed. She started finding comfort in the familiar smell, and the way her heart beat steadily in Ava’s presence. 

“Rest well, Bea.” 

(Nerds (sans B-3s): Ava, Camilla, Lilith, Mary, Shannon, Yasmine)

‘Shannon: How's Beatrice’ 

‘Ava: She’s alright. Resting now.’

‘Camila: Is she feeling better?’

‘Yasmine: How bad was the concussion?’

‘Ava: @Camila I think so?’

‘Lilith: The nurse said it was a mild concussion but Bea had been complaining about headaches’

‘Ava: Yeah she was a little agitated this morning.’

‘Mary: ? bout what’

‘Ava: She said she was late for class?

‘Lilith: Lol dumb of ass.’

‘Mary: lol’

‘Shannon: We would visit but I think it's best to let her rest. It was just yesterday that she got into the accident anyway. She’s probably irritable today because of all the headaches and pain. I would be too, if I was in her shoes.’

‘Camila: how about tomorrow?’

‘Ava: I’ll update you guys on how Bea feels tomorrow?’

‘Mary: Sounds good. If she feels better then we’d come.’

‘Yasmine: wait why’

‘Mary: Go there and catch heat from Beatrice? No thx”

‘Shannon: @Yas Beatrice can get quite cranky.’

‘Yasmine: oh.’

‘Yasmine: okay no. I imagine it’ll make me feel like I just failed a really simple math test and my teacher feels really disappointed at me’

‘Lilith: could be worse.’

‘Lilith: Either way, take care of her @Ava. Holler if you can’t handle her. We’ll go.’

‘Ava: will do. Thx guys.’

Beatrice found herself cornered by JC on Sunday morning. She sat stiffly on the couch as JC attempted to assess her concussion. He asked never ending questions and made Beatrice do a memory test. The ceaseless questions were starting to irritate Beatrice.

He was stopped by Ava and Chanel walking into the room because Chanel immediately smacked him on the head and chastised him for being so thoughtless. It was only the second day of recovery and Beatrice still looked a little worse for wear. 

The persistent headache had ceased but the waves of fatigue were still coming on strong. She could barely focus for more than thirty minutes in a setting before her head would start to hurt. 

Ava had tried to dissuade Beatrice from studying for the day but the stubbornness prevailed. So Ava called for reinforcements.

Lilith and Camila showed up with pizza and chips, claiming that they were bored and wanted to hangout. They settled in the living room for a movie, effectively stopping Beatrice from returning to her readings. Lilith also agreed that they’d catch up together when she was feeling better, and to stop fussing and chill out for once.

With no choice, Beatrice sighed and sank into Ava’s side as they watched a movie Camila had picked. 

Lilith showed up at Ava’s on Monday morning. She handed over a cup of coffee to Beatrice after she locked the door. 

Ava had left a note for Beatrice, letting her know that she had left for class. Beatrice assumed that Ava had communicated the same to Lilith, which explained her presence that morning. 

“How was it?” 

“How was what?” 

“You, your arm, your head, staying with Ava, yada yada. Or you can don’t tell me.” 

Beatrice rolled her eyes. She filled the taller girl in as they made their way to school. The constant throbbing in her shoulder was gone, but it still ached when she tried to move it. Her headache was gone as well. She stalled a little when it came to Ava. But she reminded herself that Lilith had been nothing but supportive despite Beatrice’s terrible habits of keeping to herself.

Plus, Lilith was smart. She’d figure things out one way or the other. 

So she opened up. She talked about the conversation she had with Ava, about how she had troubles letting people in and was trying to unlearn some of her defence mechanisms that were helpful when she was younger, but were no longer beneficial. 

The confession earned Beatrice an enthusiastic nod from Lilith who agreed but reserved her comments. 

She told Lilith how Ava made breakfast, how the pancakes were probably on par with the one from the Breakfast Club, and how the eggs were a tad too salty for her liking. 

She shared how Ava made sure Beatrice always had an extra pillow for her shoulder, and how Ava grounded her when she had a panic attack about being late for class. 

The mention of a panic attack made Lilith pause. But the moment was over before Beatrice could read into it as Lilith looked at her with an amused smile. The amused look on Lilith’s face earned her an eye roll. Beatrice jabbed Lilith with her elbow and Lilith shoved her back. 

“Don’t have to thank me,” Lilith smirked as she walked ahead. 

If Beatrice was to be honest with herself, she might have enjoyed Ava’s constant presence a little too much because she found herself thinking of Ava, and how she reminded her of sunrise. She had missed several sunrises then, thanks to the injuries and the fatigue that took days to dissipate. But Ava’s smile at breakfast invoked the same warmth she had felt every time she basked in the gentle rays of the morning sun. 

Beatrice pulled out her phone and sent a quick text to Ava. 

Lilith, peered over her shoulder and started making fun of Beatrice for being overly attached. 

They bickered the entire way to the lecture hall and only quietened down when they saw Professor Suzanne looking at them from behind her desk. She approached them to check in on Beatrice, letting Beatrice know that she was available during consultation hours and wished her a quick recovery. 

Beatrice nodded, unsure of how else to react since Professor Suzanne was not exactly known among the students to be hospitable. She was rumoured to be the sternest professor who had never smiled once throughout her 20 years of teaching. The faculty feared her and she was nicknamed ‘Mother Superion’ by the seniors for the way she held herself. She considered going for the extra consultation. It wouldn’t hurt, and she saw no harm in reviewing some of the comments Professor Suzanne had made in respect to their assignments. 

The accident was unfortunate. But it made her realise that maybe her own feelings needed a catalyst. A catalyst to make her realise that her friends had always been around and that the world might not be as cold and uncaring as she remembered it.

Chapter Text

Beatrice stared at the ceiling, squinting against the sterile white light that illuminated the room. The waiting area was packed with people. Nurse hurried about, delivering messages to the doctors and following up with the patients. The trolleys squeaked as they were wheeled around. 

Waiting at the clinic was a chore. It was dreary. She had to endure the loud wailing of children, the incessant grumbling of patients who never practised patience and other noises that she’d rarely hear outside of a clinic. An older woman sitting several seats down the aisle had been tutting in her direction for a while. She ignored the incessant tutting and continued staring at the ceiling trying to block the noise out. 

Beatrice only peeled her eyes away from the ceiling when she noticed Ava fidgeting out of the corner of her eyes. She wiggled before turning to show Beatrice the victory game screen. Her joy was contagious. Beatrice found herself smiling at Ava as she exited the game and pocketed her phone. 

They waited for another half an hour before the nurse called for Beatrice. The attending orthopedist gave a questioning glance when Ava followed Beatrice into the room. Beatrice shook her head and informed the doctor that she consented to Ava being around. The doctor nodded, no questions asked, and gestured for Beatrice to take a seat. 

He carefully removed the sling from Beatrice’s shoulder and went on to check the shoulder. To both Beatrice’s and Ava’s relief, the shoulder was healing nicely. He cleared Beatrice for physical therapy, and provided her a list of exercises she could start doing to help with the healing process. The cast was no longer necessary but it was advisable to keep the sling on during the day to minimise movements for at least another week or so. 

Beatrice was happy to leave. She shrugged her shoulders gently as they stepped out of the clinic, testing the range of her mobility. Ava suggested stopping by a café before going home. 

“I’ll buy you a croissant,” Ava bounced with excitement, “to celebrate the milestone in your recovery!” 

“Why a croissant?” Beatrice let herself be led by Ava across the street and toward the café. 

“I can get you a pain au chocolate if you want.” 

“Not necessary but why do we need to get anything?” 

Ava halted and spun around to face Beatrice, “because this is a milestone in your recovery journey. And in this household we celebrate the little wins in life.” 

In this household. 

Beatrice sighed. Ava laughed before pulling Beatrice forward again towards the café. The city was alive but not quite attuned to them to witness their little banter. Passersby walked by without sparing them a second glance. 

It was a blessing because if anyone were to be paying attention, they would’ve caught the way Beatrice so helplessly gave herself up to Ava. She would follow Ava wherever she would go. She might even let herself be led by Ava while being blindfolded. 

The supposed croissant turned into a table filled with sandwiches, croissants and quiches. Ava beamed,  brighter than the morning sun. Beatrice shook her head. The feast was too excessive for the morning. 

She took a sip of coffee and allowed the warmth to wash over her. The morning had been dreadful. But considering the circumstance and having Ava next to her, Beatrice would think that it went as well as it could have. 

They attempted to finish all the food and ended up having to pack the sandwiches to go. Ava slipped her hand into Beatrice’s the moment they stepped out of the cafe, holding her hand as they made their way back to the apartment. 

They inevitably pass by the accident scene on the way back and Ava tensed up at the particular intersection. Her hold on Beatrice’s hand tightened as they made their way across the street. Beatrice allowed Ava to lead her to the apartment building where they made their way up the familiar flights of stairs.

Ava’s hold only loosened after stepping into the apartment where she let out a supposedly subtle breath but Beatrice noticed. She squeezed Ava’s hand and gave a smile she hoped was sufficient to convey her gratitude. Ava returned the gesture before pulling away to drop the sandwiches off in the kitchen. 

(Nerds) 

‘Mary: Are we still up for tonight?’

‘Mary: @Bea how you feeling?’ 

‘Beatrice: Just got cleared for physio.’

‘Beatrice: And I’m up for tonight. Just don’t jostle me.’ 

‘Mary: Nice!”

‘Camila: AMAZING!.’ 

‘Yasmine: CONGRATS BEA’

‘Shannon: Good.”

‘Ava: pre drinks at ours? Chanel brought home some fancy ass gin.’ 

‘Yasmine: Will be there!’ 

‘Lilith: time?’ 

‘Lilith: Congrats @bea’

‘Ava: 9. Unless you guys wna do dinner’ 

‘Shannon: Mary and I will be there at 9.’ 

‘Camila: 9.’ 

‘Yasmine: Nine too.’ 

‘Lilith: ^’ 

‘Ava: alright see everyone later!’ 

Ava pocketed her phone and looked at Beatrice, “seems like it’s just the two of us for dinner.”

Beatrice felt a little cheeky that day, with the adrenaline of having cleared for physical therapy running through her body. She kept a straight face as she replied Ava. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t know we’re having dinner. I already have plans.” 

Ava paused, looking a little dejected. But she shrugged it off and told Beatrice it was alright. It was an impromptu decision, after all. Ava nodded, and then started walking to the bedroom. 

Maybe she shouldn’t have teased Ava because she actually enjoyed Ava’s company. She rushed to catch up with Ava and nudged her with her elbow. 

“I was kidding, Ava. I already made plans for the both of us.”

The smile she received from Ava cemented the realisation that she might just do anything for Ava to continue smiling at her the way she did. And when Ava linked her arm with hers, she understood that happiness could be found in the simplest things in life when you did it with the one you may or may not be in love with. 

Again, Ava didn’t have to know that. 

The living arrangement resulted in them spending almost every single evening together.

Beatrice noted the lack of parties for the past week she had stayed at Ava’s, and how Ava had opted to wait for her on days her lecture ran late so that they could walk back to the apartment together. She found herself getting too accustomed to the little routine they had developed. 

Dinner was supposed to be a simple affair. They went to Mr and Mrs Wong’s restaurant. The bustling of the restaurant reminds Beatrice of her food delivery stint. Mr and Mrs Wong reached out several days ago, noting Beatrice’s absence. Beatrice thought to mention she was taking a break from food delivery because of school instead of going into the details of her accident. No point in worrying the two older folks who treated her so kindly over the years. 

Ava, though, was of the opinion that Beatrice should visit them and let them know what happened because they cared enough to check in on Beatrice. Mr and Mrs Wong had watched Beatrice grow over the years and had seen her in good health and in her less than optimal states. They would worry and Ava reminded Beatrice that it was okay to let other people fuss over her. 

So Beatrice relented and planned to visit Mr and Mrs Wong, as well as for dinner that night.

The visit was overwhelming. People were chattering away at loud volumes, the staff were yelling across the restaurant, and the younger Wongs were running around trying to keep up with the table orders. 

Mrs Wong fussed over Beatrice when she knew about the accident. Mr Wong tousled Beatrice’s hair affectionately and made a comment about how food delivery in the busy city was probably unsafe. He even considered removing the delivery option since his children were the ones running the deliveries but Beatrice assured him that it was a freak accident because she was, unfortunately, collateral damage. 

Ava was quiet throughout the entire interaction. She sat with her food and watched on with fondness. The older couple had the entire conversation with Beatrice in Cantonese. It wasn’t until Mrs Wong turned to her and started speaking to her that her fond smile vanished, replaced with a panicked expression.

“You! You take good care of Beatrice okay? She is very stubborn!” 

Mr Wong nudged Beatrice, “she is very pretty.” 

Beatrice nodded and hummed in response. She was glad that they were conversing in Cantonese because admitting to Ava that she found her attractive was not in her agenda when they walked into the restaurant that evening. 

Taking advantage of the distraction provided by his wife, Mr Wong prodded. 

“She has been taking care of you since the accident?” 

“Yes.” 

“Is she nice to you?” 

“Yes.” 

“What does she do?” 

“She’s a computer science major. Very smart, and kind.” 

“Do you like her?” 

Beatrice choked on the noodles she was eating. She tried returning a smile she hoped was reassuring when she caught Ava’s concerned gaze as she chugged down a glass of water. 

Mrs Wong regained Ava’s attention with her stories of a younger Beatrice. 

“So?” Mr Wong pressed. 

Beatrice sighed and uttered a very soft ‘yes’. 

The confession made Mr Wong beam. He nodded, “I never liked the previous one anyway. She was too..” he trailed off. 

“Too…?” It became Beatrice’s turn to press the elderly man for an answer. 

“Too judgmental. Not grounded. Not good for you. Ava is grounded. And she is very pretty. I approve.”

“Uncle!” 

The affectionate term slipped. Mr and Mrs Wong had told her years ago to just call them Uncle and Auntie, the way most Chinese addressed their seniors but Beatrice always felt uncomfortable with the casualness of it all. Sometimes she addressed them formally as Mr and Mrs Wong, but sometimes it slipped and she would call them Uncle and Auntie. 

They never insisted on it. It was meant to make Beatrice feel more at ease around them but if it made Beatrice uncomfortable then there was no point in it. They understood Beatrice’s complicated family history and respected Beatrice’s hesitance. But they still welcomed her whenever, and usually they smiled wider when she allowed herself to feel at ease around them. 

“It is true. Ava seems like she is good for you. You look happier despite your injury and don’t think I didn’t catch that exchange between the both of you when you choked. She cares for you. Stubbornness will not lead you anywhere, little one. I know you are strong and you can take care of yourself, but allowing yourself to be vulnerable is also another form of strength.” 

She looked over at Ava who was dragged into a conversation with Mrs Wong and allowed the words of Mr Wong sink in. It was undeniable that Beatrice felt happier and safer. Ava never complained or showed any unhappiness at having to care for Beatrice, of having to help her with her sling, or even during the late nights where the pain woke Beatrice up, which unfortunately woke Ava up as well because of the shuffling. Instead of being upset, Ava would immediately be concerned and try her best to ease the discomfort for Beatrice. 

The first two days of staying with Ava was difficult, both mentally and physically. The pain was one thing but the thought of being an inconvenience sat uncomfortably with her until the persistent and insistent reassurance from Ava quelled it. 

“Plus, she can use her chopsticks properly.” Mr Wong observed. 

Beatrice failed to see how that was relevant to anything they were talking about. Was it a dislike for people unable to use chopsticks properl- 

“Means her fingers dexterity is good.” 

“UNCLE!” Beatrice hissed. 

Mr Wong shrugged and patted her gently on the shoulder before getting up to attend to a customer who was attempting to wave a staff member down. 

Beatrice looked at the chopsticks in her hand and frowned. Mrs Wong was wrapping up her conversation with Ava. She motioned for Ava to enjoy her food and winked at Beatrice discretely before leaving for the kitchen, leaving Ava and Beatrice alone again. 

“That was a lengthy conversation you had with Mrs Wong.” 

“Yes, she showed me your pictures from high school.” 

The memories of her younger self earned Ava a groan as Beatrice dropped her head into her palms. It was an embarrassing period where she was experimenting with different hairstyles - side shave, bob cut, dyed her hair red and even tried on dark eye makeup. There was no glamour in her past and it haunted her for as long as those images lived in her beloved Uncle and Auntie’s phones. 

“You were very cute.” Ava teasingly patted Beatrice on the arm. 

“Was not.” Beatrice mumbled into her palm. Her heart did a weird little skip at Ava’s comment. Ava found her cute, despite the awkward kid vibe she exuded in her high school photos. 

Ava laughed. She dropped the topic and finished her bowl of noodles that was left untouched for a good half an hour because of the conversation with Mrs Wong. 

Mr and Mrs Wong hugged the both of them before they left and sent them on their way with a platter of fried dumplings, to feed their friends who would inevitably start snacking while they drink. 

Ava thanked them for the food and made a promise to come back with Beatrice soon.

“So,” Ava drawled, “you also had a long conversation with Mr Wong.” 

“Yes.” Beatrice tucked her free hand into her pocket in an attempt to maintain a facade of calmness. 

“In dialect?” 

Beatrice hummed, “Cantonese.” 

“And what were you guys talking about?” Ava asked. 

Beatrice contemplated lying to Ava about their conversation. 

“He thinks you’re pretty.” 

Ava spun around and walked backwards, a smirk on her face as she asked Beatrice about her answer. 

“And what did you say? Did you agree?” Ava pressed. She stopped abruptly and caused Beatrice to almost collide into her. 

Beatrice rolled her eyes at Ava and side-stepped away. Her answer would only inflate Ava’s already inflated ego. 

“I’ll take your silence as admission!” Ava teased Beatrice who remained stubbornly quiet. There was a spring in her steps as she walked alongside Beatrice. 

Gentle breeze chilled Beatrice’s heated blush as they made their way back to Ava’s department. It was almost 9pm and their friends would be arriving soon. The pep in Ava’s step lasted all the way till they stepped through the door of the apartment. She stopped abruptly, pivoted and backed Beatrice against the closed door.

“You can just tell me that, you know.”

“Tell you what?” Beatrice pressed herself against the wall in a futile attempt to create more space between them. 

The air felt charged and the breath in her lungs seemed to have escaped all of a sudden. Her heart was pounding and Beatrice had to focus on drowning the voice in her head that was egging her on - to take one step into Ava’s space and risk it all. 

“You know what I mean.” Ava dropped her head, a wistful smile on her face. She looked back up at Beatrice and smiled before turning around and walking away. 

Her conundrum was solved by rapid knocks on the door. She jumped and pulled away from the door, taking a moment to compose herself before answering it. Camila threw her arms over Beatrice and pulled her into a hug, congratulating her on her fast recovery. Beatrice exhaled into the hug, grateful for her friend’s love and affection. 

Camila spotted Ava over Beatrice’s shoulder. She pulled away from Beatrice to hug Ava as a greeting before bringing the bottle of alcohol in her hand up to eye level. 

Everyone arrived soon after, bringing their own choice of liquor into the mix and dug into the fried dumplings, courtesy of Mr and Mrs Wong. 

It could be the alcohol speaking but Beatrice swore Ava was leaning into her more than usual. Her expression turned sharp sometimes, as if she was trying to focus on something before they glazed over again from the alcohol. 

Everyone was buzzed by the time they arrived at the club. The amount of alcohol consumed at Ava’s did nothing to stop the group from beelining to the bar and ordering more shots for everyone. They settled into the table and everyone got increasingly rowdy into the night. 

At one point someone suggested body shots. It might’ve been JC but the attention was centred on Ava who was lying on the table with a salt trail down to the shot resting on her navel. Beatrice panicked when someone shoved her forward and the group started chanting her name. She looked at Ava who had her eyes closed and felt her chest tug. Heat pooled low in her belly and she had to look away to stop the thoughts running amok in her head. 

Stop it, she chided. 

Beatrice let the liquid courage push her forward. She felt Ava gasp when her tongue touched her smooth skin as she licked up the trail of salt before taking the shot between her lips, downing it in one smooth motion before leaning down to take the piece of lime from Ava’s mouth. 

The group cheered in excitement, missing the way Beatrice blushed. Her heart was thumping in her chest, faster than the beat of the bass. 

Camila went after Ava, and the group hollered at Lilith who rolled her eyes and stepped up to the table. She licked at Camila’s torso without any hesitation and downed the shot before closing the gap and picking the lime out of Camila’s mouth. 

Half of the group eventually ended up at the dance floor, alcohol coursing through their veins as they danced and belted out the lyrics to the songs they recognised. 

Buzzed and tipsy, Beatrice found herself dancing with someone who joined their circle and introduced herself to the group as Crimson. 

It had been awhile since Beatrice had a chance to let loose. She was still mindful of her shoulder in spite of the alcohol but it didn’t stop her from jumping with her friends and swaying to the beat. Crimson had no qualms pressing herself against Beatrice who cheered her on in her mildly inebriated state. 

She barely protested when someone pulled her away from Crimson, toward the back of the group. When she turned around, she saw Ava looking at her with an unreadable expression. She wasn’t smiling, which worried Beatrice. Ava always smiled, she thought, so she reached up and rubbed her thumb between Ava’s pinched brows to smooth it out. 

Ava peeled her hand away from her face and directed it to her waist, before reaching for the other and doing the same. Once Beatrice’s hands settled on Ava’s waist, she hooked both her hands over Beatrice’s shoulder and clasped them behind her head, pulling them close.

Beatrice would blame it on the alcohol, definitely the alcohol, when her breath hitched and her gaze dropped to Ava’s lips. She had spent the entire evening keeping her hands to herself as much as possible and avoided looking at Ava to keep her thoughts neutral. Her self-restraint was at its limit, threatening to snap. 

Ava, sweet and as bright as her dusk and dawn, stepped closer and started swaying their bodies to the beat. Her skin burned where Ava pressed close, hands wandering further past her waist to the small of her back, pulling her closer until Ava turned and pressed her back against her, sliding down her front as the music thrummed in their veins. Her hair was tousled and Beatrice had to fight the urge to run her fingers through them as Ava dropped down low in front of her. The urge to have her hands on Ava coiled hotly in her belly and the need to touch was clawing at her skin. 

Then the moment was broken by someone who stumbled into them and caused Ava to lose her balance, who fell back against Beatrice’s legs. He apologised profusely as he pulled Ava up before disappearing into the crowd. 

With the tension broken, Beatrice exhaled and collected herself. Ava looked annoyed, and she shook her head before stepping away from the crowd back to where the other half of the group was. Crimson reached for her but Beatrice pulled away and went after Ava who was snaking through the dense crowd. 

Her heart was beating in her ears as she trailed after Ava who grabbed her outerwear off the couch and headed for the exit. Mary and Shannon shot accusatory looks at Beatrice who held her hands up and shook her head before running out of the OCS. 

“Ava!” Beatrice called. 

Given the time of the day, the road was quiet and empty. The lights from the street lamps guided them from one point to the other, further and further away from the loud music and heavy bass. The music grew softer and softer.

“Ava, wait up!” Beatrice ran to catch up with Ava who barely slowed down despite multiple calls. 

“Ava,” her voice softened when she saw the unshed tears in Ava’s eyes. She hesitated for a moment before attempting to lace her fingers with Ava’s. 

The touch worked because Ava slowed down and made no attempt to pull away from Beatrice who held onto her hand. They walked silently for a few blocks before Ava talked. 

She apologised for leaving abruptly. It wasn’t her plan to leave the party early but she was not feeling up for it so she decided to leave. Beatrice could tell there was something Ava wasn’t saying but she left it at that.

Ava had given her space when she needed it and the least she could do was to return the gesture. Even if she was to push Ava for an answer, she should at least be sober enough to make a proper judgement call. 

They slowed to a stroll and Beatrice tugged gently at Ava’s hand when they passed a particular junction. She gestured to the 24/7 diner with a tilt of her head. A small smile graced Ava’s features as she nodded at the suggestion. 

Late into the night, the diner was sparse. The only other customers were some workers on Night Shift and some other college students typing away on their laptops. They slid into a booth and spent a few minutes browsing the menu before deciding on some waffles and chicken poppers. 

Determined to get Ava smiling again, Beatrice started filling the silence with the story of how she met Lilith and how she almost decked Lilith in the face because of the way she first introduced herself, of the story of how Lilith was called out by a professor for dozing off in class after a particularly late night out and it traumatised her so badly she never went for Ladies Nights ever again, and some others.

The stories managed to cheer Ava up a little as she listened while cutting into her waffles. 

“How about you? Any stories to share?” 

Beatrice rolled her eyes. She threw a piece of fried chicken into her mouth before reminding Ava that Mrs Wong had shown her all the unglamorous pictures of her past and nothing in university could beat those memories.

“The first time I tried an alcoholic drink for the first time, I spat it out because it tasted so terrible and I was chased out of the club by a bouncer for spitting. I thought he said “no spinning” so I retaliated and said I wasn’t spinning, I was only dancing and he was absolutely not affected by my charms.” 

The atmosphere lightened up significantly after the quick pit stop for food. They walked in comfortable silence until Ava turned around sharply after stepping out of the stairwell of the apartment building. She pushed Beatrice back against the wall of the stairwell. 

Beatrice winced as the railing of the stairwell dug into her back uncomfortably. 

“Sorry!” Ava’s voice was hushed, expression apologetic.

“What?” 

Ava shushed her. 

“Michael is there.” 

“Why does he know where you stay?” 

“He sent me back once. After that one date we had.” 

“Did he tell you he’s going to be here?” 

Ava pulled her phone out and cursed. She showed Beatrice her screen where Michael had bombarded her with texts. 

(Michael Salvius) 

‘Ava, can we talk?’ 

‘Ava.’ 

‘I’ll find you at yours?’ 

‘I’ll be there in thirty.’ 

‘I’m almost there, Ava.’ 

‘I’m across the street.’ 

‘I’m here. I rang the doorbell but no one answered. Are you home?’ 

‘I’ll wait outside.’ 

‘Are you going to be back soon?’ 

‘Ava?’ 

Beatrice frowned. The wall of text was quite alarming, given how Ava responded to none of it and Michael still showed up at her apartment. Plus it was late into the night. Most people would’ve been sleeping. What made Michael think Ava would be awake to even have a conversation with him? 

Then Beatrice remembered the many Friday parties Ava had hosted. She sighed. The irrational feeling of being an inconvenience bubbled in her chest. She clenched her fists tightly as she watched Ava worry her lower lip between her teeth. The impulse to confront Michael pulsed in her veins. 

Ava was silent for a moment before she nodded to herself and looked up at Beatrice. “I have a plan but I’m not sure if you’ll be comfortable with it.” 

Beatrice raised an eyebrow and waited for her to continue. 

Ava sighed, “I’m not sure why he’s so persistent. I’ve told him before that it was just one date and we are not going anywhere with it. I’d probably have to make it absolutely clear that I am not interested in him.” 

“And… where do I come in?” 

Ava’s eyes dropped to Beatrice’s lips for a brief moment, “can i push you around for a bit?” 

“What?” 

“Just, trust me.” Ava peaked over the wall of the stairwell and saw Michael pacing while typing away at his phone. Her phone vibrated again with a new message from him.

Beatrice nodded dumbly. Of course Beatrice trusted Ava. She trusted Ava like a faithful follower of God, never questioning and almost blindly. She would follow Ava, in this life and the next. Logically, she should ask for an explanation but- 

Ava pulled and hurled Beatrice out of the stairwell and into the corridor, cutting off her train of thought. Beatrice tripped and stumbled across the corridor, gaining the attention of Michael who jumped when he heard the loud thumps. The air got knocked out of her as Ava followed up quickly and pushed herself up against Beatrice against the nearest wall. Ava grabbed a fistful of Beatrice’s shirt and leaned in closer. Neither Ava nor Beatrice noticed Michael’s reaction because Ava got her hands on Beatrice and she pinned her to the wall beside one of her neighbour’s doors. Beatrice’s brain went blank when she felt Ava’s lips on hers. 

Her self-restraint snapped, and she gave in to Ava who caressed her face and pulled her even closer. Beatrice might blame it on the alcohol but the whine she heard spurred her on. Michael was forgotten for a good whole minute until Ava pulled back. Her eyes were hooded and Beatrice almost chased after her lips if not for Ava turning away and flinching at the sight of Michael who was staring shell-shocked at them. 

“Oh,” it came out a little too high pitched so Ava cleared her throat and pulled at her shirt. She plastered on a fake smile, “Michael! I did not know you were here.” 

Behind Ava, Beatrice was a mess. Her heart was hammering against her chest and her hair was tousled. She looked dazed as she blindly followed Ava who pulled at her to get her legs working again. 

“I-” Michael stuttered. His eyes flitted between the two of them whose faces were flushed and attempted to say something but nothing came out. 

Ava grabbed Beatrice and pulled her towards the apartment. Michael stepped away from the door as they approached, looking pained. He attempted to say something but the words died on his tongue. Dejected, he sighed and turned to walk away while Ava opened the door and pulled Beatrice into the apartment.

They leaned against the door for a moment, collecting themselves before Ava started giggling. It triggered Beatrice to start laughing as well and they slid down the door and sat on the floor of the apartment. 

“Did you see his face,” Ava mimicked Michael’s expression of shock which tickled Beatrice even further. 

“You broke him, Ava!” 

“I didn’t!”

“Yes you did, you broke his heart too.”

“I’m not responsible for his.” 

Beatrice swallowed. Would Ava be responsible for hers? Would Ava deny her hold over Beatrice’s heart?

She watched as Ava turned to look at her, her gaze dropping down to Beatrice’s lips. She could feel Ava's breath against her skin. Her eyes were dark and it was clear what Ava wanted. Beatrice couldn't even find any excuse to deny whatever was growing between them throughout the night. Ava leaned in, closing the inches between them and Beatrice gave in. She closed the distance and sent a silent prayer to the Gods above because she had handed her heart over without Ava asking for it.

Chapter Text

“So, Beatrice.” JC settled onto the armchair beside Beatrice who was working on her assignment in the living room. He tucked his feet under his leg and leaned forward.

“JC.” Beatrice set her laptop aside and turned to JC, giving him her attention. 

“You’ve gotten awfully close with Ava.” He paused and looked at Beatrice, an attempt to gauge her reaction but Beatrice kept her expression neutral. 

“Yes? ”She could guess where the conversation was going. 

“As you would probably know, Ava and I go way back. Together with Chanel but that’s irrelevant.” He waved his hands.

Beatrice nodded. Of course she knew. Ava had told her all about how the three of them ended up sharing an apartment together. It might’ve included the fact that Chanel was a nepo baby and they all benefited from it so no one was complaining even though they should. 

“And you know that we all care for Ava very much. You get where I’m going with this?” 

Right. The shovel talk from the people closest to Ava. 

“I’m afraid not.” 

JC threw his hands up and grumbled about how he did not sign up for this and stupid Chanel forced him to do it. He huffed and attempted to glare at Beatrice. If Beatrice had never seen him all sick and snotty, she might’ve been intimidated. But she had seen JC sick and miserable and looking one step away from the door of death.

“What are your intentions towards Ava? We all know she’s beautiful and sexy and smart and brains and all but what is it to you?” JC gagged at his own words. 

A pensive expression crossed Beatrice. Yes, she agreed with all the descriptors JC listed but what was it to her that made her feel so drawn to Ava. Ava was undoubtedly beautiful with her blinding smile and magnetising charm apart from being unfairly smart. She sometimes threw her off with the alluring accent that sometimes slipped. Portugues, Beatrice remembered. The curl of her tongue as she enunciated certain words and-

“Wow you’re really thinking about it.” 

Beatrice frowned at JC. He backed away at the intensity of it. He retreated into the armchair and made no further comments, giving Beatrice the space she needed to formulate an answer to his question. 

“Her courage and her hunger for life. She dusts herself off every time life trips her up and she never stops fighting for the life she wants. Despite all the bad things life has thrown at her, she gets back up and flips the world off. Her softness, her warmth.” 

“Her- what?” 

“The way she approached every single person with a sort of gentleness that people rarely spared. It’s easy to fall into step with her. Her personality makes it almost impossible for you to not pay attention to her. And she can win even the most hardy person over. Her energy is boundless and bright, like the morning sun. There’s something about her that makes you want to protect her from everything bad in this world. Watching the smile disappear from her face triggers this irrational urge to find the reason and remove it just so she would smile again.” 

Silence. 

Beatrice looked up to find JC staring at her, unblinking. He stared at her for a good minute before snapping out of it.

“Wow,” he slumped against the couch. “I thought we were overprotective but damn, you’re down bad.” 

“I- what?” Her face twitched. Her facial expression morphed into one of mild horror at JC’s statement.

JC rolled his eyes, “we’re not blind to how you’re both skirting around each other. If this was an ice skating competition you both probably won first prize.” 

The room fell silent. Beatrice stared blankly at JC who frowned at her horrified expression. The realisation that she was so obvious to everyone hung between them like a pinata, taunting her. Everything she had tried to keep under wraps, everything she had tried to suppress, all wrapped up in a candy box ready to spill.

The door lock jingled and chimed, making the both of them jump from their seats. They walked towards opposite ends of the rooms and stared at nothing when Ava walked into the apartment. She narrowed her eyes at the both of them who acknowledged her return but refused to look at her. 

“What’s going on?” She looked between the two of them. 

JC made the mistake of looking at Ava who was closing the gap between them.“Nothing?” He squeaked. 

“Beatrice?” 

The girl stiffened. She reluctantly turned around to look at Ava who had her arms crossed at their behaviour. If there was anything Beatrice was terrible at, it was lying to Ava.

“W-we were talking about-“ 

“The party!” JC jumped in, “the party that’s happening this Friday.” 

“Yeah, the party,” Beatrice settled into the lie. She had been thinking about it so it wasn’t difficult to follow up. “And how my presence will depend on whether or not the doctor clears me during the check up.” 

Ava looked unconvinced. She stared at Beatrice, knowing that Beatrice would cave more easily than JC since JC had been lying to her since forever, but Beatrice kept her expression stoic. She squinted at the both of them before giving in and finally moving away. 

Both Beatrice and JC exhaled in relief. 

“Secret?” JC whispered. If Ava knew about the failed attempt at a shovel talk, she would’ve given him hell for it.

“Deal.” Beatrice nodded. Whatever was said to JC was best kept between the both of them. She had a few things to reevaluate since she wasn’t as subtle as she thought she was when it came to Ava. She would rather keep the friendship than taking the chance and risk losing Ava, even if that meant tamping down her feelings.

Streaks of light escaped the crack between the curtain, illuminating the room in a soft glow of morning sun. The weekend morning provided some needed quietness and stillness for the mild pounding in Beatrice’s head. She took a deep breath and froze when she felt soft skin pressed up against her bare front. The realisation washed over her like a bucket of ice water. 

They had maintained respectful distance for the nights Beatrice had stayed over. Mainly because they exercised extreme caution over Beatrice’s dislocated shoulder, and partly because Beatrice had slept rigidly to prevent herself from encroaching Ava’s space. 

The familiar scent of lavender shampoo caused an uptick in her heart rate instead of calming her like it usually did. 

Her brain revved and immediately went into overdrive. One, she was bare. Naked, stripped down to nothing bare. Two, Ava had her back pressed against her. Against her bare skin. Three, they were in bed, together. Four, her hand- 

Beatrice reeled her hand back. Her face flushed crimson. Her treacherous heart raced faster than her thoughts and her skin burned from the intimacy of it all. 

The sudden movement caused Ava to stir. Beatrice froze. She held her breath as Ava turned in her arm and burrowed into the crevice of her neck. 

“Bea,” she exhaled, voice thick with sleep. 

Beatrice stayed still but it did nothing to stop her heart from hammering. The nickname combined with Ava’s sleep-laced voice tugged violently against her chest. She could feel every single breath Ava took, every exhale smouldering her bare skin. 

“Too loud, Bea,” Ava whined. 

As if Beatrice could ask her heart to stop. As if Beatrice could ever tell that treacherous heart to stop telling Ava all her secrets, of how Ava made her heart beat faster than anyone else ever did. 

Ava sighed. Her lips brushed against Beatrice’s neck and she had to fight the urge to reach out. To touch, to feel Ava’s skin on her fingertip and- 

Stop it. Beatrice pinched her eyelids shut and started clinging onto the maxims of equity as a lifeline: “he who comes into equity must come with clean hands, he who seeks equity must do equity, equity regards as done what ought to be done-” 

“You missed your sunrise.” 

Ava’s voice pulled her lifeline taut and snapped it. Her eyes were still closed as she nuzzled closer. Her fingers curled against Beatrice’s back lazily as she stayed warm and comfortable in her embrace with no qualms about their nakedness. Of course Ava remembered her quirky habits. The gentle caress from Ava’s thumb sent tingles down her back. She sighed. 

Beatrice wished she could see Ava’s expression, to know what she was thinking at the moment but she settled for closing her own eyes and sinking into the feeling of having Ava being close. 

“I didn't,” Beatrice whispered. Her stray hand decided to settle on Ava’s hip.

Ava hummed in response. The silence settled. Instead of the usual chill that silence brought her, Beatrice found herself warm in Ava’s embrace after the initial shock wore off.

“Bea?” Gently, cautious. Ava remained still for a moment, as if contemplating her next move. 

“Yes?” 

“Don’t run.” Ava mumbled into her skin as she pressed herself closer to Beatrice. 

Beatrice felt her heart throbbed achingly at Ava’s quiet plea. She would’ve laughed at the obviousness of it, how she was so obviously a flight risk that Ava caught it. She would be lying if she said she didn’t think of it. Because why would Ava, sweet Ava, choose to settle for her. 

Days of spending waking mornings and sleepy nights together saw them trading tender moments and trading secrets behind doors. It shouldn’t surprise Beatrice that Ava knew her tell, and how Beatrice was skittish when it came to commitment. 

For all of Beatrice’s need to be perfect, she couldn’t stop herself from thinking she didn’t deserve half the good things in her life. 

“Not running.” 

A whisper, a promise; to both Ava and to herself. The voice over her shoulder was due for a change and what kind of monster would she be if she allowed Ava to wake up to a cold and empty half of the bed? 

“Good.” 

She allowed herself to bask in the warmth instead of shying away from it.

Her heart started to slow as the initial shock passed; a calm staccato beat that started lulling Ava to sleep. She was too awake to fall back asleep then. The knowledge that the previous night happened and that Ava remained in her arms in the morning replayed in her mind.

It was such a weird thought, such a wild concept for Beatrice that Ava wanted her the same way she did. 

They’d have to talk about it for sure. But she was content to remain in Ava’s arms and letting her slow and even breathing tether her to the feeling of reciprocity. 

Beatrice finally pulled herself out of Ava’s embrace. She gently extracted herself from bed to dress herself. Memories of the previous night coloured her cheeks again as she picked up the clothes that were strewn across the room. Ava fell back asleep after their brief interaction but Beatrice was kept awake by her rampant thoughts. 

She set the clothes down on the armchair and quietly slipped out of the door, almost crashing into someone in the corridor. Her eyes widened. 

“Lilith?” 

Lilith hushed her as she glanced over her shoulder, checking to see if Beatrice woke anyone up. 

Beatrice pulled a face as she looked at JC’s closed door and back at Lilith who was in her dress from the night before. Lilith followed her line of sight and scrunched her face, shaking her head furiously before pulling Beatrice into the kitchen. 

“It’s not what you’re thinking about.” 

The only other person living in the apartment was-

“CHANEL?!” 

Beatrice yelped when Lilith smacked her, shushing her a second time. 

“Would you keep it down?!” Lilith hissed. Her eyes roved over Beatrice, briefly stopping at her neck before raising an eyebrow, “you’re not in any condition to judge me.” 

It wiped the smile off Beatrice’s face. She instinctively slapped her hand over her neck until she saw the smirk on Lilith’s face. She was baited and she fell for it. Beatrice sighed as she dropped her hand, rolling her eyes as she turned away from the menace she called a friend. 

Both their stomachs growled in the silence that followed. It prompted Beatrice to rifle through the fridge. “Pancakes?” 

Lilith dropped her chin and slouched, “yes please.” 

Beatrice nodded and set to work, grabbing the pancake mix and pan. The morning after alcohol hunger always meant a heavy breakfast to Beatrice. Those mornings were far and few between since they were in their final year. She was reminded of the days when she would sit with Lilith and a few other course mates until 5am in a fast food restaurant to wait for the breakfast menu to be up. 

Lilith took the initiative to start the coffee machine with minor guidance from Beatrice. Exhausted, the duo worked silently on their own tasks silently until Ava plodded into the kitchen. 

The smaller girl went directly to Beatrice and hugged her from behind, seemingly unaware of Lilith’s presence. She stayed pressed against Beatrice’s back until Lilith cleared her throat in annoyance. Ava opened her bleary eyes and blinked. She mumbled a soft “hi,” before she registered Lilith’s presence. Her eyes shot open and she pulled away from Beatrice and blinked at Lilith who rolled her eyes before getting up to grab a few mugs off the rack. 

“Lilith?” 

“Good morning to you too,” Lilith handed a mug over to Beatrice before handing one to Ava.

“JC?!” Ava accepted the steaming mug of coffee but continued hovering over Lilith. She held the mug with both hands and peered over the rim at Lilith who adamantly refused to answer her question. 

Beatrice snickered beside her. Lilith ignored the both of them and snatched some pancakes onto a plate before skulking away to rummage through the fridge for maple syrup. 

“You’re awfully familiar with this place.” Beatrice commented. 

Ava’s face beamed as she watched Lilith struggle to maintain her composure. She vibrated in excitement as she circled Lilith like a hawk, following her as she settled onto the dining chair. 

“When did it happen? How? Why!” 

Lilith shot Beatrice a look that Beatrice recognized as a warning.

“Ava,” Beatrice warned as set two plates down onto the table and shook her head. It was one thing to be excitable, another to actually step on Lilith’s tail.

Especially not when they were all nursing hangovers. 

Thankfully, Ava caught the hint and dropped the topic. She leaned forward and kissed Beatrice on the cheek before digging into her plate of pancakes. 

Unlike Ava, Lilith was a lot more subtle with her questioning. She directed her questioning look at Beatrice who shrugged. They have not had the talk. Beatrice was unsure where she stood in Ava’s life. It was too early so Lilith decided to forgo the question. 

A shadow loomed behind them. 

“CHANEL!” Ava dropped her fork and hurdled over the chair to chase after the retreating girl who promptly bailed when she saw them eating at the dining table. She banged on the door that was slammed in her face and yelled for her housemate to open the door. 

Beatrice shook her head. The chaotic housemates were at it again. Lilith took the distraction as an opportunity to slip away. She thanked Beatrice for breakfast and gave her a quick hug before sneaking out of the apartment. 

Ava skulked back to the living room just in time to see the door closing behind Lilith. She frowned at Beatrice for a second before deciding to hound Chanel for answers a second time.

Beatrice quietly collected the empty plates and brought them to the kitchen sink while Chanel and Ava screamed at each other. A bewildered JC shuffled into the kitchen. Beatrice only shrugged when he asked what was going on. He accepted the answer. Nothing fazed him anymore. He helped himself to the extra pancakes Beatrice had made and stared blankly into space as the screaming continued. He sighed and wondered why he even agreed to share a flat with the chaotic duo.

While Ava was hounding Chanel, Beatrice went into the room and started packing. It was about time for her to return to her own apartment. She had overstayed at Ava’s. A nagging voice in her head urged her to return home to avoid being an inconvenience. 

Focused on her task, Beatrice failed to notice the noise settling. Ava entered the room and paused when she saw Beatrice packing. She pulled back and frowned. 

“Did I do something wrong?” Her glee from annoying her housemate dropped into a sad frown. Ava looked crestfallen. Her gaze dropped to the floor where Beatrice’s backpack sat. 

“No, why would you think that?” Beatrice immediately set the shirt she was folding down to get to Ava. 

“You packed your bag.” 

“I have to go home, Ava. I cannot possibly inconvenience you forever.”

“Right.” Ava shifted her weight between her feet. Beatrice recognised it as Ava’s anxious habit. 

She stepped into Ava’s space slowly, giving Ava the chance to pull away or to back away. When Ava remained rooted, Beatrice cradled her face. Ava stopped fidgeting. She kept her eyes on Beatrice who leaned forward and rested her forehead against hers. 

“I told you I wasn’t running.” 

It wasn’t like the thought didn’t cross her mind. But the thought of Ava being upset hurt more than her insecurities ever could. The urge to run gnawed at her incessantly since morning when she woke up beside Ava. Looking at Ava made her heart ache, torn between wanting to run and wanting to stay close, Beatrice sighed. 

She felt her shirt tighten as Ava balled it in her fists. Ava leaned close, “are you sure?” 

“I’m certain.” 

Ava exhaled against her skin. Beatrice shuddered. She leaned closer, eyes drooping as she stared at Beatrice’s lips. 

“Promise me.” 

Beatrice kissed her in lieu of a verbal response.

I promise. 

The whimper from Ava threw out any thoughts of running away. Beatrice was addicted to the sound Ava made, revelled in the knowledge that she was the one drawing them out. The task of packing was abandoned as she pressed closer to Ava and deepened the kiss. 

Chapter Text

The packing was inevitably delayed. Shirts were strewn forgotten on the armchair, over the backpack sitting at the base of the bed and on the floor.

Beatrice figured whatever happened between them wasn’t a one time thing because they were back to how they started the morning. Her heart still continued tugging at her chest despite her best attempts to get it to stop.

They couldn’t hide themselves behind the darkness of the night forever even if they tried; their souls laid bare in the afternoon sun illuminating the room.

Ava’s hand caressed her face gently, mapping her facial features with every stroke. Her eyes trailed after the path of her fingers. Beatrice closed her eyes and exhaled. The feeling of Ava’s fingertips were starting to feel a little heavy in her chest. She didn’t doubt Ava’s affection. Couldn’t.

She didn’t doubt the gentleness of it all. But self doubt reared its ugly head in her mind, causing her to whisper, “what are we doing?”

The fingers trailing along her face stalled causing Beatrice to regret it almost immediately. But before she could backpedal and take it all back, Ava cupped her cheek and smiled. “Not nothing.”

Beatrice frowned. What did that even mean?

The question must’ve written themselves on Beatrice’s face because Ava chuckled and rubbed her thumb on Beatrice’s cheeks. The movement soothed her in an unexplainable way. She leaned into Ava’s touch and breathed out.

“You mean a lot to me, Bea. I know we both have things we have to work on, individually, so we don’t have to put a label on it. But I know that it’s not nothing. You’re not just another notch on the bedpost. You’re not nothing, Bea.”

The tugging in her chest evolved into a string pulled taut. Beatrice took a breath and the expansion of her chest snapped the string.

“I think I’m falling for you.” She whispered. 

There, she said it. She couldn’t deny it anymore. All the skirting and dancing they did, all the stolen moments no one witnessed and the smiles traded between them all propelled her towards an inevitable ending - falling for Ava. She had been falling for months but refused to admit it.

Her confession was sealed with a kiss from Ava who crashed her lips against hers. The flight risk in her was grounded by a pair of arms around her waist, pulling her close and keeping her warm.

“I didn’t want to scare you away with a confession but you beat me to it.” Ava pressed her forehead against Beatrice’s and sighed.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“I’m not good at this, Ava. I don’t want to mess this up.” Beatrice admitted. She was terrified. Terrified of the vastness of her feelings for Ava. It was akin to handing over her heart and diving head first, trusting Ava to not break it.

“No relationship is absolute, Bea. I don’t think either of us can promise to not mess this up because we inevitably would. But we can only try. We try our best to compromise. We try our best to listen to what the other has to say and we try to make things work for as long as we can.” Ava assured her with another kiss, “and knowing you, you definitely would.”

“And I know you would.” Beatrice closed her eyes and sank into the feeling of trust. Falling felt terrifying, but the adrenaline accompanying the fear fuelled her.

“And we both would.” Ava agreed.

They stayed silent for awhile, basking in the bliss of knowing that the other felt the same.

“The previous week really scared me, Bea.”

Beatrice pulled her closer. “Thank you for taking care of me. I know I was not the easiest person to deal with.”

“Thank you for letting me take care of you. I know it was difficult.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” Ava echoed.

Beatrice chuckled. She reached out an tucked a stray lock of hair behind Ava’s ears before letting her hand settle on her hip. The sharp intake of air almost burned her. It would have, months ago. But with Ava, she simply pressed closer with a smirk as she trailed her hand down Ava’s thigh, earning her a soft whimper.

“Someone’s eager.”

“Only for you.” Ava gasped as Beatrice’s fingers scratched up her thigh.

The packing could wait, its priority knocked to the bottom. Ava came first.

They finally separate long enough for Beatrice to make it back home. Ava explored the apartment with unhindered curiosity. The apartment was bare and empty. Clean, but there was a lack of personal touch.

“How long have you stayed here?”

“Three, four years?”

Ava hummed. The apartment felt cold, the exact opposite of her lived in one. She attributed the mess of the house to JC’s untidy habits, and would deny contributing to the mess of the apartment.

The coffee machine whirred in the background, the coffee mugs clinked and Beatrice hummed softly as she waited for the machine to dispense the drink before bringing the coffee out to the living room.

“Thank you.”

Beatrice joined her on the opposite end of couch to put some space between them. The apartment was a lot quieter than Ava’s and its stillness made Ava anxious so she tucked her knees against her chest and cradled the warm mug with both palms.

The space was necessary. At least that was what Beatrice told herself when she sat at the other end of the couch. The close proximity would reduce the attempt to talk into dust because she wouldn’t be able to keep her hands to herself. Ava, ever in tune with Beatrice’s needs, quietly acknowledged the reason without it being spoken.

Beatrice cleared her throat, “I hope you know that I’m putting space between us because we need to talk. We won’t be talking If we’re side by side.”

Ava chuckled. She shook her head and smiled at Beatrice before taking a sip of coffee and humming in contentment.

Beatrice took the silence as the sign to start talking. She fiddled with the mug in her hands for awhile before taking a deep breath.

“I know we haven’t known each other for long… but you remind me of the sun.”

“The sun that started and ended your day?” 

“Yeah. And when you reminded me that I missed my sunrise, that’s when-“

“It dawned on you?” Ava couldn’t help completing her sentence with a pun.

Beatrice frowned but couldn’t stop herself from smiling. “Yes, literally. Maybe. But it was way before that. When we started studying together, and when our friends started mingling, I feared whatever I felt would spoil everything so I tried to keep it down. I like having you around, being by your side, and spending time with you. It has been awhile since I liked someone.”

“Heartbreaker.” Ava teased, getting an eye roll in return.

“When you roped me into your stupid shenanigans. Lilith warned me. She was against it. And I could see why. Because she could see that I felt differently towards you. I wanted to be more than friends with you. When you first used me to hide from Michael, I… well, against my better judgment, I taunted him.”

Ava hid behind her mug at the memory but the tip of her ears flushed pink. “More like you taunted me.”

Beatrice laughed.

With every passing second, the stillness of the apartment started lifting. It started coming alive with laughter, understanding smiles and bad puns (mostly from Ava). They spent the next hour talking about their feelings. The gap between them started to close as they started shifting as they talk, the coffee mugs sat forgotten on the table.

“Every time I see you smile I would trip over my own feet. And before I knew it, I started free falling.” Beatrice caressed Ava’s face with the back of her hand, gentle, reverent.

Ava closed her eyes and leaned into the touch. “I liked you since the day I saw you. I had a good feeling about you.”

“Me in my bicycle helmet? I probably looked like an inflated condom. No one looks good with their helmets on!”

“You do.”

“Now you’re just teasing.”

“I stand by what I said. And I didn’t mention anything about your looks. Now you’re just digging for compliment.” Ava playfully swatted Beatrice’s hand away. “But for what’s worth, I did intentionally drag you into the shenanigans with Michael.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because I wanted an excuse to be near you.” Ava blushed and Beatrice wanted to kiss her. “I convinced myself that if I couldn’t have you, I’d take the little crumbs.”

No funny business until everything was sorted out, Beatrice reminded herself. “Those were definitely not crumbs.”

“Who’s complaining? Are you?” Ava teased.

Beatrice waved off her teasing. She went on to explain her past, how she grew up distant from her family and had to fend for herself most of her life. No one really cared for her and even when someone did, her hyper independence made her think that she would be indebted to whoever cared for her. It was a sore subject in her previous relationship because her previous partner would use it against her, to make her feel bad. It reinforced the idea that if someone cared for her, they wanted something in return.

It made Ava furious. Because a relationship was never meant to be transactional. You care for your partner because you genuinely wanted to, not because you expect something in return.

“But I’m working on myself. I now understand that I am deserving of receiving unconditional love, care and concern.” Beatrice reassured the smaller girl who looked upset.

“Your ex is an ass. I hope they stub their toe everyday.” Ava huffed. She searched Beatrice’s eyes for any form of lingering sadness but Beatrice was looking at her with such warmth that Ava wanted to drown in her gaze. Her anger dissipated and she found herself reaching out. She took Beatrice’s hand and cradled it with hers.

“I was so scared when I heard the crash and I looked out of our window to see you on the ground. When I got to you, you looked as if you didn’t recognised me and it felt like someone physically punctured my lungs. I don’t think I ever would want to live in a world like this. One where you don’t exist.”

Beatrice gave a gentle squeeze.

“I don’t think I would want a world where you look at me like I’m a stranger either. I’m not an expert at relationship but I think that was telling - that I would be devastated without you. And it scares me because we haven’t known each other for long but I knew. I knew that I could never walk away from you. It’s terrifying because I’ve never felt this intensely about anyone else.”

“Me too.” Beatrice whispered.

Ava closed her eyes to stop herself from crying. She took several deep breaths and allowed herself to feel the soft caress of Beatrice’s thumb against the back of her hand. Reliving the memories of seeing Beatrice injured was painful.

“You looked ready to pull away and walk out of my life at the hospital. So I volunteered to take care of you.”

“I wouldn’t-“

“I didn’t know that. You didn’t know that. You were ready to shut everyone out.”

Every retort Beatrice had died on her tongue because Ava was right.

“Thank you, for that. For not letting me pull away.”

The tears Ava had tried to held back strayed. Beatrice immediately pulled Ava close and hugged her tight. They both had their own pain to work through but they have each other.

“I’m not leaving.” Beatrice promised.

The evening was quiet and serene, considering how both of them had red rimmed eyes and had to deal with the mountain of tissue on the coffee table. They opted to order in, and for the first time, Ava spent the night over at Beatrice.

Beatrice felt a cold bottle pressed against her cheek. She turned around to find Ava smiling at her as she gratefully accepted the cold coffee.

The duo spent the night at Beatrice’s because it wasn’t safe for Ava to walk home alone that late at night. They stayed cuddled throughout the night, exhausted from the emotionally draining conversations.

Lilith clicked her tongue, snapping both of them out of their orbit. Ava rolled her eyes and passed the other bottle of coffee to Lilith who grumbled out a thank you. Lilith might be grumpy but she at least had manners.

Their slow afternoon was disrupted by Camila who crashed into their table in excitement. Lilith became visibly bristled by the sudden interruption. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before looking at Camila who sheepishly apologized.

“What got you so worked up?”

“I overheard Michael telling his friends he had given up on Ava because,” she brought her fingers up into air quotes, “she showed me how out of her league I was.”

Ava froze. Lilith looked away and avoided the question. Beatrice kept her eyes trained on her laptop but her fingers twitched.

“WHAT DID YOU DO, AVA?”

Mary and Shannon joined the table. They looked at their frozen expression before turning to Camila who recounted the whole incident to them. Mary raised her eyebrow. “Maybe sit down, baby girl. You’re giving everyone a heart attack with your energy.”

“Right, sorry,” Camila cleared her throat and settled into the seat beside Ava. “So?”

“About that…” Ava drawled. She wasn’t sure if Beatrice was comfortable with their friends knowing. Sure, they spent the entire evening talking about how they would work on themselves to be better for the other but they never really talked about what they should tell their friends.

Before she had the chance to spiral, Beatrice placed her hand on hers. Ava looked at Beatrice who smiled encouragingly. She nodded. So Ava turned back to Camila and the expectant eyes of Mary and Shannon.

Camila squealed even before Ava said anything. She threw her arms around Ava and pulled her into a hug. “I’m so happy for the both of you!”

Camila’s excitement and joy for her friend cracked even Lilith’s stoic expression. She allowed a smile to grace her face as she looked at Beatrice who was looking at Ava.

“I would act more surprised but at this point I don’t think any of us are surprised.” Mary set her laptop onto the table, unfazed. 

Yasmine strolled up to the table and overheard the tail end of the conversation. She set her bag down and asked, “surprised about what?”

Mary wiggled her finger between Beatrice and Ava, “they’re together.”

Yasmine squealed and repeated what Camila did to Ava.

Mary rolled her eyes, “I take back what I said.”

“No wonder Michael backed away so quickly. Truly. No chance.” Camila teased.

Beatrice watched their interactions fondly. Their fingers remained linked with Ava’s despite her friends hugging her. When the hype of their relationship fizzled out, everything was back to how it was before. The fact that despite the shift in her relationship with Ava, her relationship with her friends remained unchanged, settled warmly in her chest.

Nothing changed. Their friends, although happy for them, continued on with their day as usual. No one batted an eyelid to them being mildly more affectionate than usual. They had watched them skirt around each other, using Michael as an excuse to be affectionate with each other. Knowing that they finally stopped dancing around each other settled the dust they had kicked up felt like a weight lifted off their shoulders - mostly Mary and Shannon’s.

Chapter Text

“Are you sure?” 

“I’m quite certain.” 

“We don’t have to rush into this.” 

“I feel ready for it, Ava.” 

The salesperson shuffled between her feet, unsure if she should walk away or stick around in case either of them had questions. She glanced between the two girls and decided to leave. Whatever was happening or going on was beyond her pay grade. 

One of Beatrice’s hands was on the frame of the bicycle and Ava had her own on the seat. 

“Right. We have to pick one that’s really sturdy and will not-“ 

Beatrice interrupted her rambling, placing a gentle hand over Ava’s and waited. 

The creases between Ava’s brows deepened. She exhaled and pulled away, folding her arms across her chest. 

“What if I’m not ready? Even if you are.” Ava whispered. 

It had been a few months since the incident. Beatrice had halted her food delivery stint since her bike was totalled during the accident. She focused solely on recovery, and Ava had been supportive, checking in every day. 

Physically, Beatrice had recovered long ago. Mentally, she took a little longer but she felt ready to be back on the road. The stagnation in her life was making her restless. It was “cramping her style,” as Ava would have described it. She did briefly consider returning to her previous curricular activity but she was constantly reminded of why she left in the first place whenever she shared a class with one of her previous sparring partner. 

Beatrice held Ava’s gaze as she slowly stepped into her space and gently pry her arms away. Openness and communication, Beatrice reminded herself. She laced her fingers with Ava’s to stop the other girl from folding her arms again. 

“Then I won’t get the bike now. I’ll work on it together with you. We’ll work on it together.” 

The salesperson peeked between the aisle and retreated again. 

“I don’t…” Ava tried to pull away but Beatrice held on - firm, but never forceful. 

“We were both involved in the accident, Ava. Maybe not so much physically for you but you were hurt in other ways as well. I will not say that it is my fault, as much as you forbid me to think that I’ve been a burden.” 

Ava released a shaky exhale. They let the silence sit between them for a moment before Ava finally nodded, “okay.” 

The journey for the both of them was going to be a long one, and they both knew it. The salesperson mumbled a goodbye when Beatrice thanked her as they exited the store. 

Ava paused in front of the store. Beatrice stopped alongside her, confused. 

“I’m sorry.” Ava said, avoiding Beatrice’s gaze. 

“There’s nothing to apologize for, darling.” The pet name slipped, but Beatrice didn’t have it in her to take it back since it made snap her eyes up to meet hers. 

“Say that again?” Ava asked, the previous conversation momentarily forgotten. 

“Say what?” 

“What you just called me.”

Beatrice started walking away, pretending she had no idea what Ava was saying. Ava hastily lengthened her stride to keep up with Beatrice as they made their way across the street. “Bea!” 

“Yes?” 

Ava grabbed at Beatrice’s arm to stop her from walking further away. Stopped in the middle of the sideway, Ava pivoted and stepped in front of Beatrice. “What you just said.” 

“What?” 

The frustrated pout on Ava’s face almost made Beatrice cave but she plastered on her best poker face as she looked at Ava who rooted them both in the middle of the sidewalk. 

She huffed and looked at Beatrice, stubbornly refusing to move. 

The world around them continued moving. Cars moved along the busy streets to their next destination. People walked past them without a second glance. Weirder things happened on a regular basis. Two girls stopping in the middle of the sideway ranked low in terms of weird things happening captured on the internet. 

Beatrice caved. Caved into those brown orbs she never had a chance against. “Darling.”

“Again?” 

“Darling.” 

She watched as Ava took a step forward and wrapped her arms around her, pressing herself against her chest. 

“Again?” Her voice came out muffled against Beatrice’s chest. 

“Darling,” Beatrice smiled as she wrapped her own arms around Ava. Warmth blossomed in her chest. She could feel her heartbeat. Pretty sure Ava could hear it too, and felt it. 

“Okay.” 

“People are staring.” 

“I don’t care.” 

Beatrice couldn’t find it in herself to care either. Not when she had Ava in her arms. The warmth in her chest started settling as she held Ava closer. “We should make our way back.” 

Ava hummed into the hug. 

“Alright.”

She wonders if she could ever say no to Ava. If loving someone meant feeling  like stepping off a bungee platform, Beatrice might get addicted to the adrenaline rush. 

They return to Ava’s apartment after spending way too long holding each other on the sidewalk. JC and Chanel were both out for the afternoon. Beatrice gratefully accepted the mug of water from Ava who returned her thanks with a smile. Since they failed to achieve their goal for the afternoon of purchasing a new bicycle for Beatrice, they made new plans - to watch a movie. 

Midway through the movie, Beatrice noticed Ava getting increasingly distracted. Her legs started bouncing and her attention started drifting so Beatrice placed her hand on Ava’s knee in an attempt to get her to stop fidgeting. 

Ava’s knees stilled for a good minute before Beatrice felt the muscles under her palm start twitching. Beatrice finally teared her attention away from the screen to see Ava staring at her. 

“Are you okay?” 

Ava shook her head. “No I’m not.” 

“Wha-“ 

Ava moved and straddled Beatrice whose eyes immediately went wide. Of course, being the ever respectful person she was, Ava asked if it was okay. She received a slight nod from Beatrice who finally understood why she was so restless. 

“Tell me if you want me to stop.” 

Beatrice shook her head and finally regained enough composure to pull Ava closer. Her gaze turned hungry when Ava let out a gasp at the sudden closeness. While Beatrice was more than happy to let Ava take the lead, she couldn’t help wanting to touch and hear Ava. 

“You’re beautiful.” Beatrice said as she pulled Ava down for a searing kiss. 

Ava gasped as Beatrice dug her nails into her skin and dragged a path down her back. 

“Bea-“ Ava moaned against Beatrice’s shoulder, “bedroom.” 

The movie forgotten in the background, Beatrice put her hands under Ava’s thighs and hoisted her up as she stood. The short walk proved challenging as Ava continued kissing down Beatrice’s jaw to her neck. 

“Ava,” Beatrice gasped, her voice heavy with want. 

“Want you,” Ava nipped at her skin, “so much.” 

“I’m all yours.” Beatrice all but threw Ava onto the bed, crawling after her immediately and meeting her lips midway. 

“Fuck.” 

“Make yourself comfortable. I need to use the bathroom real quick.” Ava kissed Beatrice on the cheek before leaving the bed. 

Beatrice shamelessly watched Ava cross the bedroom to the bathroom, admiring the vast display of skin on display for her. She rolled onto her back moments later and stared at the ceiling. 

It had been weeks since she had been staying here. She closed her eyes and basked in the comfort of being safe in Ava’s room. Being with Ava brought on a deeply rooted sense of security that Beatrice never felt with anyone else. Maybe it was the post nut clarity speaking, maybe she was delusional. 

A soft, almost inaudible ping caught her attention. She looked around the room and that was when she noticed it, a MacBook running on Ava’s desk. She spotted the familiar icon of the food delivery app she was making deliveries for but the interface was unlike the one she was used too. It looked like the backend interface of the application. 

“Hey you should probably also go to the bath…” Ava returned to the room and followed Beatrice’s line of sight, “oh.”

Beatrice turned to her and raised an eyebrow. 

Ava sighed. She circled the bed and picked up the laptop before slowly returning to bed, sitting down beside Beatrice who struggled to be respectful, to not let her eyes wander south, to keep them trained on Ava’s eyes. 

“Remember how I mentioned we benefited from nepotism?” 

Beatrice nodded. 

“Well, Chanel’s dad is the CEO of DineNDash. When he just started out, he got Chanel to help out with his operations since they were figuring things out. Chanel then roped both JC and I into it and I got a role as a beta engineer. Someone else filled the role already, of course. But we still keep an eye on it from time to time. It felt like our project, you know.” 

“Was it why I was always assigned to you?” 

“Well,” Ava rubbed the back of her neck, “not totally?” She motioned for Beatrice to look at her screen as she manoeuvred through the website. On the interface, she clicked on a new order and hover over the ‘assign rider’ button. “We can manually assign riders to certain orders. We could either assign a random one, or we could toggle some of the settings such as best rated rider, or the nearest rider. But what we did or used to do was to select the option of assigning the fastest and most well rated rider to our order.” 

“So you’re abusing the system?” 

Ava at least looked a little sheepish at being called out. “It wasn’t as if I was assigning you to all of our orders. You just happened to be the best in the area.” 

Beatrice hummed. 

“Are you mad?” Ava asked softly. 

“No, why would I be?” 

“I don’t know. Maybe you feel used?” 

“I can’t help being the best option available.” Beatrice shrugged as she propped herself onto her elbows and looked at the screen again. Small icons move in real time as the drivers on the road cross town to pick up food, and pings appearing on the screen from the operations team. 

It was a whole operation behind the computer. She looked at Ava who was looking everywhere in the room but her. Beatrice couldn’t help but marvel at how Ava helped to start the first fleet of food delivery drivers for the city. It could be considered an amazing feat for someone her age and yet…

“I swear it was toggled by the algorithm… although it didn’t hurt that I got you most of the time.” Ava said, suddenly shy as she looked away. 

Beatrice chuckled, “I’m not complaining.” 

“You benefited from the nepotism too.” 

Beatrice laughed. Yes, she did. And for the first time, she was not about to complain. She should, but Ava felt like being swept into a whirlwind. She felt it, seen it rush towards her and it destroyed all the walls she had painstakingly built up over the year. And yet, she chose to let herself be swept up into everything that was Ava Silva. 

Ava set the laptop aside, prepared to turn her attention to Beatrice who suddenly sat up and declared that she had to use the bathroom. 

“Bea!” She whined. 

“What are you doing after graduation?” 

Beatrice’s hands hovered over the keyboard. She saved her document before turning to Ava who was looking at her from across the table. 

It was a necessary conversation. Getting into a relationship when they were both about to transition into another stage in life came with some challenges. Plus, they have yet to define their relationship other than ‘it’s not nothing’. 

“I secured an apprenticeship with one of the firms around. It’ll take two years, so I’ll still be here for the foreseeable future.” 

Ava let out a relieved sigh and nodded. 

“How about you?” 

Ava shrugged. “I got an offer from Chanel’s dad for a full time role as their lead engineer. JC’s joining as a marketing executive and of course Chanel would be with the management.” 

“Sounds like a solid plan. I think you deserve it, after helping them kick off so successfully.” 

“Thanks, Bea.” 

There was something more. The time spent with Ava had taught Beatrice about the girl’s mannerism. She extended her hand on the table and left it palm up, an open invitation for Ava to take it. Ava grasped it almost immediately, grateful for a crutch as she worked through her thoughts. 

“Can I continue seeing you after?” 

“After?” 

“After graduation.” 

Beatrice frowned, “why are we not seeing each other after? Is there something bugging you?” 

“Just wanted to be sure. A lot can change after graduation.” 

“I know. It won’t be easy for sure, but my feelings won’t change. I want this. With you.” 

Ava squeezed her hand. “I wouldn’t say I have abandonment issues but I would rather be sure.” 

“I’m certain. I want this to work. And I should be the one asking you that. I’m sorry I didn’t realize it was something you were worrying about.” 

“I never mentioned it.” 

“I should’ve been more observant.” 

“Let’s agree that it’s something we both have to work on.” 

“Yeah, together.” 

Ava smiled and with one last squeeze of Beatrice’s hand, resumed working on her project. 

Communication, as they both learned, wasn’t easy. There were times that fatigue made them short with each other but they always apologised. 

They made the choice for Ava to move out from the shared apartment into Beatrice’s after graduation. Their new day jobs significantly reduced their time together. Evenings became precious. Beatrice would return home to Ava who would be preparing the ingredients for dinner. Like clockwork, Beatrice would wash up and help Ava with preparing dinner. They made it a habit to catch up with each other’s day over dinner before winding down for the night. 

Their friends visited on the weekends, bringing drinks and games and it felt like they were all moving forward in their lives as a whole instead of individually. Lilith, however, shocked almost everyone by announcing that she got together with Chanel after showing up with her on multiple occasions. 

Ava burst out laughing only to be silenced by Lilith’s glare. Beatrice shook her head and gently rubbed her back in condolence.

They still had a long way ahead of them - after Beatrice’s apprenticeship, getting qualified, possibly getting a dog together and everything else in between. The plan to get Beatrice a new bike remained parked at the back of their minds since the apprenticeship took up majority of her time. But if it was alongside Ava, Beatrice was certain she would be just fine.