Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Children’s Tall Tales

They sat at his table and the silence was deafening. Like horror movie string music that kept getting louder and louder until his palms started to sweat, even if that sweat had no nitro in it. But Katsuki sure as fuck wasn’t going to speak first.

This little freak was weirdly intimidating, he’d give her that. 

‘Sunny’ looked like an average foreign woman on the face of it. Short, a bit chubby, vaguely pretty. Nothing particularly remarkable. 

But those fucking eyes.

Katsuki wasn’t an idiot. He had met a lot of different people in his time as an officer, and he knew eyes like that. Sharp and intelligent like a hawk. Eyes that saw everything, even without using her quirk.

“Alright. Let’s get started and talk about your childhood.” Sunny finally said, casual and indifferent, apparently done with their staring contest.

Katsuki squinted at her, unsure if she was serious or just playing with him. A therapist asking about childhood was a real fucking stereotype.

“What the fuck does my childhood have to do with me killing a kid?” He said stern and irritated. She just tilted her head at him, those eyes shifting colour and shape as she did so.

“Everyone has something to hide from in their childhood, and given it’s usually the foundation of our entire life’s trajectory, it’s always a good place to start.” She said, still prim and unfazed.

Katsuki really wasn’t used to the casual indifference, even with all the recent time spent with the Goblin.

Katsuki knew he was really fucking intimidating when he wanted to be, but she wasn’t even remotely cautious of him. It was unnerving.

“What does that, have to do, with the kid?” He growled out with more emphasis.

Sunny scoffed at him with outright derision.

“It has absolutely nothing to do with the kid you murdered. But it has everything to do with your mental breakdown.” She said, haughty and sarcastic.

Katsuki physically recoiled at her choice of words, shocked at her blunt fucking rudeness. Again, he had spent far more time with the Goblin and was slightly more used to having harsh frank words thrown at him without mercy, but fucking hell was that a kick right to the nads.

“I didn’t murder her. It was an accident.” He said, trying to sound angry but his voice betraying him by wobbling.

Sunny’s head tilted again.

“Funny isn’t it. I can accuse you of being a murderer and you’ll rightfully push back, even if it is in whatever tone that just was. But you’ll internally call yourself a murderer over and over until it sends you mad, and you can’t ever seem to defend yourself from it. Humans are fascinating aren’t they?” She said casually.

“Yeah. And clearly you fucking ain’t one.” Katsuki muttered darkly. She snorted and smirked at the jab.

“I am human, but I also have to wrestle with monsters. To do that, you have to learn to think, and speak, like they do. They don’t like soft approaches. It actually makes most of them very nervous or outright suspicious because they aren’t used to the kind treatment. It’s become hard to unlearn my usual approach.” She said flippantly.

Katsuki frowned at her.

“Monsters like Hitoshi?” He asked, not sure he much liked the idea of her calling him that. It was one thing for the Goblin to say it about himself, but quite another for her to. She smiled at him, shrewd and amused.

“I deal with far nastier monsters than him despite how competitive he can be. But we’re getting off track. If you want my help, you have to help yourself first. So, what was your childhood like?”

He sighed. 

She wasn’t wrong. Hitoshi did say she was a fucking bitch who would ask him questions he didn’t want to answer, but also that she was good at her job. He didn’t much like the idea of giving her information that she just proved she would use against him to make a point, but, he had to at least give this a shot.

“Nothing wild to report. I’ve got a category S quirk so that caused problems. Also got a mean streak that caused bigger problems. But overall my family life was pretty good. Nice house, two parents, love, care, good food.” He said lazily as he leant back into his seat and crossed his arms over his chest.

Sunny just scoured him over.

“What was your mother like?” 

Katsuki groaned loudly.

“Seriously?”

“Oh yeah. You’ve got Mummy issues written all over you.”

“Hah?! Fuck you!” He snarled as he slammed his hands on the table.

She just sneered at him.

“No thank you, I prefer the company of people with emotional depth beyond that of a very angry betta fish.” She said with a cat-like smile that was reminiscent of the Goblin. Literally a carbon copy. It actually gave Katsuki pause.

She couldn’t be that much older than them and she was who Hitoshi spoke to at work. Katsuki couldn’t help but wonder just how much time they spent together and what she must know because of it.

“You been working with Hitoshi since he joined the internationals?” He asked her with interest. Her eyebrows raised at the question before she squinted at him, eyes shifting briefly far more red than yellow. Creepy as fuck.

“You are rather fixated on him aren’t you.” She said mildly. Katsuki scowled.

“What’s that mean?” He said hotly.

“Exactly as it sounds. Okay, let’s make this next bit nice and clear. I cannot and will not talk to you about Hitoshi. I told you what his mind looks like to illustrate a point, but that’s it. No more. This is not going to become an exchange situation where you only answer me if I provide you with information on your latest special interest. If you have questions, then you ask him yourself.” She said far more formal and professional.

Katsuki huffed in annoyance. 

Talking to the Goblin directly was a goddamn fucking minefield. Though he had been far more open recently which was very new and quite interesting, even if every other sentence was something utterly fucking harrowing.

“Fine. But you two are similar. It’s weird as fuck. He gives me that exact look when he’s being a fucking asshole. Is being a dick some sort of requirement to work international?” He jeered at her.

Surprisingly she actually laughed.

“Oh absolutely. You’d fit right in.” She shot back brightly. He snorted before he sighed a little. 

This would get results. He needed results.

“My mother is a fucking bitch.” He finally conceded. “Always shouting and smacking me around the head, but that was because I was a little shit. We were two very angry peas stuck together in a pod. We get along a lot better now that I don’t have to see her every fucking day.”

Sunny did that thing were her eyes drifted around, looking at bookshelves Katsuki couldn’t see.

“Give an example of when she smacked you round the head.” She finally said.

Katsuki didn’t want to, but as she moved her eyes back onto him with a clear expression of frustrated irritation he grunted.

Fuck it. Go hard or go home.

“Once, not too long after my grandma died, she and I got into a big argument.”

“What about?”

“Dunno, something dumb probably. Shoes? Whatever. Either way she called me a disrespectful piece of shit, so, I decided to make good on that insult and blew up the house shrine dedicated to the Hag’s older dead hag. She gave me a real bashing for that one. Lesson learned. Didn’t do it again.”

Sunny was resuming her staring before she frowned.

“How’d you feel about it?” She asked.

Katsuki raised an eyebrow.

“What do you mean?”

Those eyes, more blue this time, returned to his own.

“How does that make you feel?” She asked more slowly as if he was dumb.

He wrinkled his nose at the second fucking stereotype. Fucking feelings.

“I don’t feel anything about it. We had a fight, I escalated like a shithead, she matched it. What’s there to feel?” He said irritated.

Sunny stared at him, waiting for something. Then she tutted as he remained silent.

“She gave you a real ‘bashing’. Define.” She said flatly.

Katsuki drummed his fingers against the table, thinking about it.

“Smacked me round the head, screamed for an hour, cried a bit, dragged my ass to my room, and barred me from leaving it. Had to eat in there and everything for two days. Could only leave to piss.”

“Did her hits hurt you?”

He didn’t like where this was going.

“She fucking loves me.” He said sternly, fingers stilling and clenching into fists.

“What about that question made you think I was accusing her of not loving you?” Sunny said more slow and deliberate.

Katsuki hesitated.

Fuck. That was uncomfortable.

“Most who question that shit do.” He said carefully.

Sunny nodded just once.

“People are complicated. People can hold two very opposing views in their heads at the same time. Love is also complicated. It’s not really one emotion but a collection of them. You can love someone with all your heart and still occasionally hate them. You can be absolutely furious at someone you love. You can look at someone you would lay down your life for and think, ‘you are a real asshole and I hope you spend the next ten years stubbing your toes on every piece of furniture you walk by’.” She said it casual and nonchalant as if it was common fact. “Abuse however, that’s where things get really complicated.” 

“She didn’t fucking abuse me.” Katsuki immediately growled at her, furious and visibly pissed off. Sunny just gave him a terrifyingly penetrating look.

“I didn’t say she did. You’re the one making these connections in your own defensiveness.” She said firmly. “I am trying to make you aware of my distinctions.”

He drew back a little at that but kept his jaw tense, running his tongue over his front teeth in irritation.

“Abuse is a far more complicated beast. An abuser is someone who does not view their victim as an individual but often as a possession or an extension of themself. Something they have complete authority over. It can be very difficult to differentiate parental authority from abusive authority when there is physical discipline, hence why a lot of people in my field highly recommend against all forms of physically disciplining children, no matter the perceived harmlessness of it. Children are not developed. Children do not understand adult frustration. Children often cannot protect themselves and are usually still learning impulse control. Even if they have a category S quirk.”

“Now you are calling my mother an abuser.”

“No. I am not. I can’t make that kind of claim without a lot more information. But I will call your mother flawed. You said that she physically disciplined you out of frustration and her inability to manage her own emotions. That is often considered abuse in my line of work because children cannot protect their own autonomy. They can’t just walk away or leave. Abuse is about intimidation, fear, and control. Being a parent is often about maintaining control, even if it’s just to create safety, teaching boundaries, or correcting right from wrong. There will always be an uncomfortable overlap at times, but it’s especially so when discipline takes the form of intimidation and fear. Then it becomes a very slippery slope only picked apart by motivations. Do you understand what I’m getting at?” She spoke serious and firm now. Completely focused.

Katsuki’s head felt busy. He didn’t answer.

“You said your mother loves you. You’re sure of that and I have absolutely no evidence or wish to refute it. But she was also clearly very flawed.”

Katsuki leant his head back to look up at the ceiling.

“You’re saying I had a bad childhood.” He said quietly, a strange pain at the idea of that. He had always thought the opposite.

“No I’m not.” She disagreed more gently. “Given your surprisingly beautiful headspace I would think you had a very good childhood. And honestly if you had destroyed a monument to my dead loved one, I probably would have reacted rather harshly too. What I’m trying to say is that parents are human. No matter how loving the person nor how well meaning, humans will always hurt each other, intentional or not. That includes mothers and sons. There will always be consequences to our flaws. Perhaps she did those things because she felt it was the right way to teach you cause and effect, and not because she saw you as an extension of herself she could treat how she wished. But the real crux of the issue is that she most likely hurt you regardless. So. How did that entire interaction make you feel?”

Katsuki sighed. Well this got heavy real damn quickly.

“Angry.”

“What else?”

“I don’t know. I don’t really care.” He snapped at her.

She didn’t speak for a while before she suddenly stood up and wandered off. He got up, shocked by the move, and found her opening all his kitchen cupboards.

“What the actual hell do you think you’re doing?” He said, mostly in wonder.

“I would like a drink, and given your rude ass never offered, I decided to help myself.” She said flatly.

Honestly? Fair. 

He clicked his tongue and walked over, nudging her out the way to open the cupboard her short ass couldn’t quite reach.

“Water or tea?” He grunted as he pulled out a glass.

“You have tea? Oh wait. What kind of tea?” 

“Green.”

“Water then.” She said shaking her head.

Katsuki looked at her briefly. Foreign.

“You want European style tea?”

“Oh yes please.”

“Too bad. Learn some fucking culture.” He sneered. She huffed at him.

“I’m Scottish. We have plenty of culture thank you very much.” She said haughtily.

“Oh yeah, rain and angry sounding instruments.” He teased earning an actual chuckle from her. 

“As if you don’t have both of those here. Though I will admit Japan has a very odd way to it that can be somewhat charming. Very juxtaposed. Overly polite people but also surprising rudeness if they think I can’t understand them. Then there’s the regal and impressive traditional heritage mixed right in with modern neon colours and cartoons. It’s very strange.”

Katsuki hummed at her observations.

He’d quite like to see her mouth off at someone calling her a stupid foreigner. That was probably hilarious.

He passed her some water but made some green tea anyway.

They both sat back at the table.

“You have a lot of emotion hiding in your restricted section.” She finally said as she pulled a face at the tea.

“How’d you know that?” He asked, aware she said she couldn’t see into it.

“Because if I ask you how something feels you try to bite my head off.” She said with a casual wave of her hand at him.

“So sue me for not immediately spilling my emotional guts.” He said grumpily.

“Anger is an emotion. One you are very comfortable with sharing. But it’s everything else I’m interested in.” She said pointedly. He rolled his eyes but she wasn’t wrong.

“I’m fucking stressed.” 

“Yes. And defensive. And anxious. And a lot of other things. But that’s not what you’re hiding.” She continued making him grumble as he sipped his own tea.

“I just don’t see why this is all relevant to fixing my head up when this all started because of the kid.” He said seriously.

She sighed tiredly as if he was being stupid and he glared at her for it.

“Killing that child is a problem yes. But it is not the problem. It was the final straw on your mental camel’s back. How you process difficult emotional memories is the real issue here. You hide from how you feel about things unless it’s outright anger. You have a whole area inside your head that is causing everything to fall apart. Unless we handle that, then you will keep falling apart no matter what I do. I could help you reorganise everything over and over for the rest of your life, but it will only ever keep collapsing back into chaos. Your mind is complex and it is very beautiful, but the secrets you keep in that emotional pain vault are destroying it. That’s why I’m asking you difficult questions. I’m not just being a nosy bitch trying to take potshots at your life and loved ones. I do have actual hobbies outside of upsetting people to better entertain me. But unless we open up that locked away vault of secrets, nothing I do will help us find a real resolution to this mess.” She spoke far more sincere and gentle. Still very matter of fact but not quite as patronising as she had been.

Katsuki sighed.

Right.

“I liked my childhood.” He offered quietly. “I got to roam the streets, play till dark, had anything I really wanted.” She nodded but didn’t say anything. Results. He needed results. “I also had a lot of problems as a kid. I was a bully. Got it into my head I was special and deserved more than I did. I felt like everyone else was beneath me.” 

She sipped her water, still completely unfazed.

“What did your mother say about your behavioural issues?” 

Katsuki glared at her.

“Why are you so fucking obsessed with my damn hag?”

“You’re being defensive.” She replied simply. He scowled like a snake.

“Because she’s my mother and I don’t like what you’re thinking about her.” He growled warningly.

“You don’t know what I’m thinking.” She suddenly said very sharply. “You are making assumptions on what I am thinking and you are reacting to things I haven’t said or done. And it’s because of that that I’m continuing to ask about her. Maybe you are protective because you love her and others have said horrible things about her. If that’s the case, then by all means tell me. But I think it’s because you have an awful lot of emotions about your relationship you have stuffed away to not be looked at.” 

Katsuki slowly got to his feet, hands planted on the table as he scowled down at her viciously.

“You are fucking me off.” He said warningly. She just kept those hawk eyes on him, face completely calm if not unimpressed.

“I doubt I deserve praise for that. It doesn’t seem particularly hard to do.” She shot back at him, prim and short. He pointed his finger at her.

“You listen to me-….”

“No. You listen to me.” She interrupted firmly. 

Katsuki got a very sudden and sharp wave of head-rush, hurriedly dropping back into his seat at the wave of dizziness.

He breathed through it.

“That is my quirk.” She said. “You can get angry all you want, but do not think for a goddamn second that I am sat here at your mercy and will cower at your inability to control yourself. You may have fighting skills and a category S quirk, not that you can use it at the moment given your pitiful state, but I have a mind quirk. I’m pretty sure you know just how powerful those are given our mutual friend. I don’t like using my quirk aggressively because it can be extremely unpleasant and it is far better suited to helping people. But I will not sit here and entertain your attempts at intimidating me. I am trying to help you. If you are going to resist, that is your decision. But you will not threaten to lay a hand on me without serious fucking consequences. Do you at least understand that?”

Katsuki stared at her, dumbfounded and horrified that she had used her quirk on him with exactly no hesitation or warning. It hadn’t been painful, but Hitoshi hadn’t lied when he said he’d regret making her use it. It was a very fucking horrible feeling. 

She just raised an eyebrow and tilted her head at him.

“Well?”

“You’re a fucking nightmare.” He whispered genuinely stunned.

She nodded acceptingly, completely unoffended.

“I’m very aware of my reputation and I very much earned it. Now you are upset, you feel vulnerable, you are defensive, and you don’t trust me because I am a stranger. But you also want to improve your situation. Stop fucking fighting me and maybe we’ll get there.”

Katsuki had to give her credit, she could definitely make a point.

She was just like the Goblin. Unflappable and unmovable. Internationals were really fucking terrifying people.

Katsuki spoke about his mother. Gave more examples of how fucked up their relationship had been. Let her talk about her distinctions between suitable discipline and abuse without overreacting. 

It was actually a little cleansing. She didn’t seem to think the Hag was a really big problem, just that the bitch was a mess because of her own issues and that, whilst their relationship had been far from healthy, it was clear they did actually care about each other despite all their flaws.

He was relieved that Sunny agreed that he had a good childhood despite it all. He wasn’t sure why, but it was important to him.

She did say that the Hag’s idea of perfection had given Katsuki some nasty internalised self expectations. He dismissed it. He knew the Hag was a fucking perfectionist and he knew he was too. He didn’t think that was a bad thing.

It did however open the floor to a discussion about expectations in general.

Katsuki had a lot of fucking opinions about those.

“A lot of people always assume I’m something I’m fucking not.” He had growled at her, irritated by it.

“Example?” She prompted.

“There was this girl I was dating once. Real hot, had a bit of an attitude that I thought was sexy.” He began, wrinkling his nose. “At first it seemed like she got it. She didn’t get all bent out of shape when I wasn’t texting her kiss emojis and crap, didn’t seem to care that I didn’t need to constantly know where she was or tell her what I was up to. Didn’t seem to care that I wasn’t really into going out for dates or having her hanging around me too long after we hooked up. Then one day she lost her absolute shit at me. Said I didn’t care enough and that I was a heartless soulless asshole. Turned out she was just waiting for me to transform into some sort of giant romantic sap. And what’s worse is all my friends got pissed at me as if I did something cruel. It’s bullshit.”

She tilted her head at him a little, seemingly thinking that over.

“Did it occur to you that she thought you were just using her for sex?” 

Katsuki scowled.

“No.” He said shortly.

“Were you just using her for sex?” Sunny asked then making Katsuki actually bare his teeth at her in anger.

“Did I fucking say that?” He snarled.

“No. But you didn’t really say much about her except that she was hot. What did you like about having her around?”

He opened his mouth, then hesitated.

“Honestly? Not much.” He finally admitted.

“Then why did you invite her around?”

Well, this fucking bitch saw right through him. It was absolutely for sex. 

He grunted, a little ashamed for not making that connection himself. That explained a lot.

“People suck. They annoy the hell out of me.” He muttered.

“But you agreed to date her. Why?” Sunny asked.

He sighed.

“Because that’s what she wanted. Everyone always wants me to date people. It’s weird as fuck. They act like there’s something wrong with me for not liking all that gooey shit.” He said grumpily.

“Well that sounds like their problem. Next time don’t let them convince you to make it your problem.” She said with a mild huff of displeasure. Katsuki actually gave her a look of interest at that.

“You don’t think it’s fucked up that I can’t stand people?” 

He actually expected her to tear him down for it. Everyone else did.

“I think that statement is grossly inaccurate.” She said flatly.

“How so?”

She looked around his head again, seeing things she shouldn’t be able to see.

“You have entire bookcases dedicated to people. That speaks literal volumes. I happen to think you like people very much. But maybe only specific people. No one collects information on others like that unless they really want to. Certainly not if they don’t like people.”

Katsuki recoiled a little at her insight into his head, unnerved at its intrusiveness.

“Can you read the books?” He asked quietly. Her eyes snapped onto his face.

“I can see some titles. But no. Well. I probably could, but I imagine that would feel horribly invasive.” She said genuinely.

“Who can you see?” He said carefully.

Her eyes went back to examining his headspace.

“Midoriya Izuku.” She said making Katsuki immediately flinch in nervousness. That caught her attention sharply. “Ah. Well that was telling.”

He sighed.

Fuck.

She fixed him with a very serious expression.

“He takes up a lot of space in your library. Now I won’t push you because frankly, it might cause a mess if I do and I’m not willing to risk that at this point. But he is obviously someone you share a deep bond with and it is very concerning to me that you reacted like that from me reading his name alone.” She said, calm and measured.

He shifted in his seat uncomfortably.

“We were childhood friends. Well. Fuck. It’s a lot more complicated than that.” He said quietly.

She frowned suddenly before her eyes widened.

“Oh. Hero Deku. Of course.” She said making him give her a very wary look. She noticed and lifted her hand at him. “I did some studying of your history on my way here. I’m aware of who Hero Deku is, and how the both of you saved the world. It’s not surprising you have a lot of information on him. Nor how complex that relationship is considering how dark those days must have been.”

Katsuki grumbled, rubbing at his face. Studied his history. God he hoped that wasn’t some crazy international bullshit and just a look at a search engine. Probably not.

“He and I were friends as kids before he was diagnosed quirkless. Then I was his bully. Then he got into UA and… it’s real fucking complicated. I treated him like absolute shit.” He said tiredly.

Sunny didn’t answer for a little while but then she leant on the table, those multicoloured eyes steely.

“Name me one strong emotion you feel when you think back to the very worst interaction you had.” She said, low and serious.

Katsuki scowled at her, his heart already racing and a strange cold clammy feel to his entire skin.

He held her gaze as he tried to think back.

Thought about how, on that one day, he told Izuku to jump off the school roof.

“Anger.” He answered.

She didn’t look impressed.

“I meant-…”

“I know what you fucking meant.” He growled at her, heat now replacing the cold on his body. A boiling rage he knew he would struggle to control if he let it get momentum.

“Then why can’t you-…”

He jumped to his feet and stormed off into his kitchen to calm down.

Katsuki cooked them both something to eat and Sunny left him alone for the most part as he did so, entertaining herself by staring at his library like a freak. She was overly interested in it in a way that was very off putting. But she remained quiet as she did so at least. She seemed to know he needed a break. 

He was fucking exhausted. No matter what he said, no matter how veiled his words, she saw through everything and asked the hardest question possible.

For a while she had got distracted asking hard questions about how he declawed himself. That had been difficult in a very different way. Reliving that horrible fucking night where Katsuki completely lost his fucking mind and almost destroyed himself. She confirmed his quirk would come back on it’s own, just like the Goblin said. That he needed to heal up a bit mentally and it would reappear. But she eventually moved back onto task, poking and prodding at any little sore spots Katsuki unintentionally revealed.

Even when Katsuki mentioned Eijiro in a vague hope for a subject that had no fucking underlying complications at all.

Nope. She started asking him what it was about Eijiro that had garnered that level of trust from him and unraveled a whole layer of hidden quirk fear he didn’t even know existed in his head.

Eijiro was the only person who could withstand the entire weight of his quirk without any problems at all and whilst he had explained that somewhat casually, absolutely innocently believing his friendship with Eijiro had nothing to be read into at all, the fucking bitch pointed out how relevant his feelings of safety with Ei were given he had ‘exploded a child’. Fucking brutal words.

It was fucking terrifying.

The Goblin hadn’t lied. He had no where to run from her and she saw fucking everything. All angles, all corners, all perspectives.

She had gone on a very long rant when Katsuki tried to talk around that first Sports Festival. It was almost worth the discomfort to see her get so angry.

“Who the fuck thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to pit literal children against their closest peers in a viciously violent confrontation?! Let alone broadcast it all over national television for entertainment! That’s horrendous! If I did that exact same thing with dogs in my home country I would be arrested!” She had exploded. Katsuki just gawked at her, dumbfounded. “And you’re shocked they chained you up like an animal? How is that in any way shocking given the bullshit they put you through whilst training you into a child soldier?!”

She had a point.

Thankfully she left his relationship with Izuku alone, but only because she seemed to know that would most likely send him completely off the fucking deep end.

The feelings thing though?

That she wasn’t willing to drop.

Katsuki fucking hated it. He knew he wasn’t just a two dimensional character despite other people’s impressions of him. He knew he wasn’t just a rabid angry animal.

But other emotions were difficult for him. Apparently even more so than he had realised.

She had written a list of emotions down on a piece of paper and handed it to him.

“I want you to give me an example for a time where you felt one of these emotions.” She said making him heave out a noise of pure agony at her.

“Are you for fucking real.” He whined.

“I’m doing my best here. The least you can do is meet me in the middle.” She said flatly.

He scowled at her.

“Come on. First emotion.” She commanded.

Happy.

Urgh.

“I was happy when I got into UA.” He said flatly.

“Good. Next.” Sarcastic evil little harpy.

“Guilty.” He read. Well. There were a lot of examples for that. “I felt guilty when I told Izuku to jump off the school roof.” He said flippantly because of how tired he was.

“I’m sorry what?” She said making him sigh heavily.

“When we were in middle school. I told Izuku to jump off the school roof.” He said despondent and surly.

“Right. Well that sounds like something we should probably unpack in more detail. However, I also don’t want to move off this task because I have a sneaking suspicion that little tidbit of information is an attempt to derail us.” She said it completely calmly but those eyes had gone sharp again. Katsuki considered that she was probably right.

“Okay. Next is-…”

“Oh no no. You don’t get off that easily. When specifically during that last incident did you feel guilty?” She said firmly.

Katsuki opened his mouth but then hesitated.

When did he feel guilty?

“I apologised-…” He began.

“When did you feel guilty?” She interrupted, unwilling to let him stray an inch.

Katsuki frowned to himself, his tired brain slow and sluggish.

Then he noticed that clammy feeling again. Noticed his heart rate pick back up. Noticed how his palms started sweating even though he couldn’t explode them.

“I-…” 

He felt guilty. He did. He felt like complete shit about that entire fucking mess.

“Bakugou Katsuki.” Sunny suddenly said, grabbing his attention back. He looked at how her eyes were now more green before shifting shape and turning purple with yellow. It made him feel a bit sick.

“Of course I felt guilty-…” He said, voice weirdly airy. Her lips pursed a little.

“When?”

He… he really didn’t like this.

“He saved my life.” He said in a whisper.

“But when did you feel-…” Katsuki was suddenly on his feet, a strange tight feeling in his chest. “Sit back down.” She ordered him.

He let out a long slow breath, but didn’t do as she asked.

“You’re starting to have a panic attack. Sit back down.” She said.

“No. I’m not.”

“I think I know-…”

“You don’t know a goddamn fucking thing you evil little harpy!” He immediately exploded at her, slamming both his hands on the table. She just huffed at him shaking her head.

“Don’t I?” She said primly.

“You act like you’re some real big hot shot, judging me for all my fucking sins-…” He growled at her, breaths quick and laboured, mind racing with panic.

“What makes you think I’m judging you?” She interrupted. “Back to assumptions again.”

“Oh fuck you! I can see your face Bitch! I can see you fucking judging me for what I’ve done!”

“I don’t think I’m the one judging you in this room.” She disagreed.

He leant forward a little, then he felt that head rush again and couldn’t do much but drop back into his seat, letting out a frustrated shriek to himself.

“You are one very problematic man. Now I won’t push this again, you’re clearly not ready for me to. But I am not here to judge you. I might insult you. I won’t spare you harsh facts when they’re needed. But judgement? No. That’s Saint Peter’s job, not mine. I’m asking you these questions because it’s clearly linked to your restricted section and I’m trying to help you open it.” She said sternly.

He just put his head into his hands.

“You should be judging me.” He said quietly.

“I completely and firmly disagree. And believe it or not but I’ve met people who have done far fucking worse than be an entitled little bully whilst floating on an inflated ego of their own as of yet unrealised greatness.” She said before sighing heavily. “Bakugou.” She called to him. 

He forced himself to look at her.

She looked far less sharp this time.

“This hurts because it is in your restricted section. Not because it’s unforgivable. You are the one passing judgements here. Not me. The only thing I am judging is your frustratingly hostile behaviour. Not what you’ve done or how you feel.”

She was being genuine. Katsuki could tell. She was an international and that meant she was a good liar like the Goblin. But the Goblin’s lies weren’t usually outright. They were done via distraction and misdirection. Maybe she was the same there too.

He sighed and rubbed his tired face again.

“Can we talk about something else?” He asked quietly.

She sighed.

“No, but we can move onto the next emotion on the list.”

He grunted and looked at it.

“Sad.” He grumbled. Okay. When did he last feel sad.

Sunny agreed to leave him alone for the day. Well, night. It was gone nine in the evening and Katsuki felt like a husk of a person. Hollowed out and empty of everything. Raw all over but unable to react to it. Fuck had she ever seen right through him. Opened a lot of books and left the pages scattered damn near everywhere for him to look at with horror.

He was lost in a small loop of her words about his restricted section being an emotional pain vault when he was suddenly being shepherded around his apartment, that now familiar and weirdly soothing deep voice softly talking him through the routine of getting ready for bed.

Katsuki did what he could to curse and gripe about being babied again, but the Goblin didn’t care. He never did. Barely batted an eye as Katsuki called him rude names and made nasty jabs at him. He just snickered and tossed little jabs back as he stayed the path of handling Katsuki’s burns and corralling him into bed.

To think this shit was a part of his fucking day job. Routine. Something he did regularly without exception. That was somewhat terrifying.

He was so fucking powerful.

It was weird to see it. Had been since the moment Hitoshi had broken into Katsuki’s fall from grace and made a scary helpful nuisance of himself.

It was actually impressive how he toed the line between familiar irritating clown behaviour and the very new caring kind. Though not soft. Never soft. Caring like brutal antiseptic.

The Goblin was a creature Katsuki hadn’t ever encountered before despite how long they’d been in the same circles. A being of pure steel. A hidden set of jaws and claws under a playful sly bullshit exterior. A playful sly bullshit exterior that had been a shield all along. What a shock that had been to find out. Still was.

A once unassuming and half buried rock who spent it’s life dedicated to tripping people on their ass for the laughs, now slightly overturned and Katsuki a bug hunting kid transfixed by all the sudden movement of creepy crawlers it revealed to the world.

It wasn’t pretty. The shit he had been permitted to see was as horrifying as one of those spiders that sparked a viscerally instinctive ‘do not fucking touch that’ reaction.

But it was really fucking fascinating regardless.

Sunny was another fucking beast entirely. An animal that should only ever be appreciated from behind a fifty foot high electrified fence to be really fucking honest.

But Hitoshi had been right.

She was good. Really fucking smart and utterly ruthless. The kind of shit kicker that would get things done. And as much as this fucking sucked, now he had an hour to groan about it, it was actually reassuring.

Katsuki loathed it, but he was clearly in really capable hands, even if they were rough calloused ones.

Restricted Horror Stories

The Goblin shared more secrets. Katsuki had been lost to his own fuckery of the dark night when Hitoshi all but leapt from the bedroom looking like the tramp he always was. Hair everywhere, scruffy, and half put together. But he also had a slight wildness to those weird creepy eyes that disappeared as soon as he spotted Katsuki at the table. 

Relief.

He had been alerted by his instincts because Katsuki had a goddamn breakdown once before and he was nervous he’d do it again.

That was a bit of a shocking realisation.

And a bit of a shitty one.

His instincts were so well honed that his subconscious woke him right out of deep sleep. That was a little impressive. But also, it meant Katsuki had really scared him with all this fucking bullshit.

Him. The Goblin.

Scaring the Goblin was not easy to do.

Then Hitoshi had sat with him and shared more of those little truths.

He had asked about Katsuki’s childhood, clearly aware of the evil harpy’s methods and quirk and Katsuki had shared it, easily comfortable after dealing with Sunny.

But then Hitoshi talked about his own history without any real probing.

Katsuki had no fucking idea. Never saw it coming. The group home, Aizawa, his rough upbringing.

He wondered if Denki knew given he and Hitoshi were pretty tight. Denki wasn’t exactly the first port of call when gifting information you didn’t want shared, but he also could keep his mouth shut if it was important. Endlessly loyal despite his bullshit.

Then Katsuki stared at the Goblin as he cradled his green tea between his long spider fingers, eyes closed as he existed in his perpetual state of tiredness, and Katsuki had known that no. No one else knew.

No one else knew a damn fucking thing about him.

He had always been a one man army and he had kept it that way for reasons not yet revealed but that Katsuki suspected might soon come to light.

That was as much of an intimidating prospect as it was an interesting one. 

Unnerving like a jump scare you knew was coming, but was necessary for the plot of this utterly fucked up but captivating story.

Katsuki considered it as they finished their tea.

Being a one man army was a lonely fucking job. He would know. He would probably know better than anyone else out of their friends, loner as he was. Not like Hitoshi though.

Felt a pang of deep pity at it.

The Goblin had done a lot for him and clearly wasn’t going fucking anywhere till they saw this through. When he thought about how hostile and defensive he had got with Sunny now he’d had some time to breathe, he felt pretty shitty about it.

He needed results, and not just for himself.

Then the Goblin summoned him back to bed and Katsuki lay there as he spoke in that deep monotonous voice that coaxed him back to sleep.

Sunny was herself. Rude, blunt, fearless, and sarcastic.

“How you feeling after yesterday angry betta fish?” She said lazily as she situated herself at the table.

Katsuki ignored her nickname of choice, just glad to hear the same one for once given how the Goblin liked to apply variation to his creativity to keep Katsuki guessing.

“Like complete shit. Let’s do this.” He said, going to the kitchen to get them both some drinks and sitting himself opposite her.

She gave him a look of mild interest.

“How did you sleep?” She asked.

“Also like complete shit. But I didn’t spend the night reliving the moment I killed that girl on repeat. Apparently you scaring the shit out of me is my brain’s new favourite toy.” He said flatly.

She smiled at that a little sympathetically.

“Unfortunately there’s going to be a lot of shit that comes up from this.” She said surprisingly softly.

Katsuki just nodded.

The Goblin said to talk about the most fucked up traumatic memory he had from the old days. So. That’s where he’ll start.

“Before I got into UA, I was caught up in a villain attack. A sludge monster. I couldn’t do fucking anything against it. My quirk barely phased him.” He said serious and focused.

Her eyebrows raised.

“I bet that hurt given how much pride you have in your quirk.” She said, brutal and yet another thing he hadn’t really considered, but right on the fucking money.

He paused at it.

Then he nodded.

“Yeah. It hurt a lot. I felt fucking helpless. I was being choked. I couldn’t breathe. None of the heroes were helping, just standing there watching me fucking die. My vision was going spotty. Then Izuku ran right the fuck in there.” He continued.

She leant back in her seat a little, that serious expression falling back on her face as her eyes swirled.

“The quirkless nobody.” She said slowly.

“The quirkless nobody. The quirkless nobody that I had told barely a few hours before to jump off the fucking roof.” He confirmed, his heart rate picking up and palms sweating again. He swallowed thickly.

“Wait.” Sunny said as he opened his mouth again.

He looked back at her in frustration.

“Take a moment to recognise what’s happening in your body right now. Talk me through it.” She said softly.

“Excess sweat but no nitro, high heart rate, increased shallow breathing. Panic response.” He said clinically, more than able to recognise it because of his training.

She nodded.

“Good. That might happen a lot. Take some deep breaths and try to do what you can to control it. I don’t want you to keep throwing yourself into a panic attack. It might spiral into something we don’t want to deal with.” She said gently.

He nodded and did so, long slow deep breaths.

He took his time with it too. Thought back to those dumb grounding techniques the Goblin told him. Endless fucking counting. And his apartment wasn’t fucking beige. Asshole.

“Izuku threw his book bag at the villain. Somehow got him right in the eye. Then he was clawing at the sludge and managed to clear my face enough for me to breathe.” He continued more calmly. 

She nodded but didn’t question him.

“Then All Might came and saved both our asses. I was sat there, all those heroes who couldn’t do shit talking about how cool my quirk was whilst they berated Izuku for getting involved. That was fucked up. He did more to try and save me than any of them, and there they were, praising me and my quirk that couldn’t do anything.” He said more bitingly, a deep anger rushing over his skin.

She tilted her head at it a little.

“Did you say anything to them?” She asked.

“No. I got the fuck out of there. The Hag already saw my face all over the news and was blowing up my phone. Everyone saw it. Everyone said all sorts of dumb shit to me about it. But nothing about Izuku except disapproval. That’s fucked up. It was so fucked up. I was… I…”

She narrowed her eyes and he knew what she was going to ask.

How did it feel?

“I was so mad. I was so fucking mad. Furious. Not just at me, but at everyone. I was the golden kid. I was the next number one hero. I was strong. Powerful. And they all acted like I had saved myself. It was the first fucking time I realised that everyone around me was a goddamn fucking liar! They told me whatever I wanted to hear! Not Izuku. Izuku was a goddamn runt! Pathetic little crybaby who didn’t even have a quirk! Useless!” He snarled at her, tears prickling at his eyes. “But it was lie! It always had been! I even lied to myself because I knew! Even back then! He was a real fucking hero!” 

Her eyes swirled as they looked at him, but her mouth remained firmly closed.

Katsuki swallowed and forced himself to take another long deep breath.

“I had everything he ever wanted. Powerful quirk, big house, popularity, everyone blowing smoke up my ass. I had everything he ever wanted. And not once, not even once, did he get jealous. He was happy for me. Him. Quirkless, deadbeat Dad, little apartment, no friends. Nothing. But he was happy for me. And it was genuine. I didn’t believe him. I couldn’t. I couldn’t believe that I had every fucking thing he wanted and he was genuinely happy for me. I thought-…. Once, this older kid roughed him up a little before school. I laughed about it. Then, later on, that same kid pissed me off so I went after him. Put him right back in his fucking place under my damn heel. Then everyone else laughed at him. Everyone except Izuku. Izuku got between us and shoved me away. That kid roughed him up that same morning, and there Izuku was, crying and shaking like a waif as he protected him from me. No one else ever stood up to me. Not with my quirk. But Izuku did. Do you get it?” He said, a cold feeling curling inside him.

She slowly nodded.

“He scared you.” 

“He scared the absolute shit out of me.” He agreed. “Always had. Because whilst I had everything he ever wanted, he still had something I didn’t, and I knew I needed it if I was ever going to be the best. I wanted to be the best more than anything in the world. That scared the shit out of me in a way I couldn’t fucking make sense of until way fucking later. I felt like he knew that he had what I didn’t. That he was looking down on me. That all that happiness was fake bullshit. That every time he ever tried to help me, he was rubbing it in my fucking face that I wasn’t strong enough. Not good enough. I felt like all those times he got in my way and tried to stop me being an asshole it was him sneering at me, when the truth was that he was better and that he knew I could be too. I thought he was a twisted little insincere liar. When the reality was it was the complete fucking opposite. It wasn’t ever him lying to me. It was everyone fucking else.”

She sighed but nodded.

“That’s very complicated.”

“No. It’s not. I was insecure. And scared. And I crushed myself under the weight of my own expectations and selfishness. I had it all planned out. I was going to be the best no matter what and Izuku fucked with all of it. My origin story. I had self made parents. The two of them worked their asses off for all we had but we were still living in a shit part of suburbia. Our middle school was a pile of shit. I was gonna have someone look at my history and be so damn impressed. My quirk is an S created from a category D and C. I was gonna be the only winner out of that school. Then Izuku kept saying he was gonna be there beside me and fuck was that ever a water hose to my fire of arrogant little ideas.” He wrinkled his nose at himself. Disgusted by his own thought process.

What a horribly entitled little shit he had been. Still fucking was really.

Sunny didn’t say anything though, just kept looking at him with those ever shifting hawk eyes.

“Even now, to this day, I struggle with teamwork because I know I could do the job better myself. Relying on others to pull up the slack is hard as fuck for me because in my head there shouldn’t ever be slack to begin with. Thing is, it gets worse. That day? That was the day Izuku met All Might. That day changed the world. Literally. If Izuku never met All Might, he wouldn’t have come to UA. He wouldn’t have gotten One for All. He wouldn’t have fought against All for One. Then where would the world be?”

Her eyebrows raised sharply at that.

“And all of that, focused onto one day.” She said quietly.

“One day. Barely a few hours. And if Izuku wasn’t who he was, if he wasn’t a stubborn little fucker, he mighta listened to me when I told him to take a swan dive off the school roof.” Katsuki said, a deep pain in the truth of that. “I felt guilt when he saved my life, because I literally told him to kill himself. I felt anger at him for taking such a dumb risk for me, after all I did to him. I felt confused. And scared. And fucking terrified.” 

His eyes filled with tears and his hands shook a little.

He swallowed thickly.

“If he wasn’t who he was, then everything would be in shit. And I can’t get my head around it because if I wasn’t who I was? Would it even have made a difference? If I had been a good person would all of that still happened? If I hadn’t been such an asshole, would he have still met All Might? That makes regret real fucking complicated because wishing shit was different means wishing how everything played out didn’t happen either. I don’t know. I feel guilty because even now I measure myself against him. I feel guilty because I made his life hell. I feel guilty because he forgave me, despite everything.”

He looked away and felt the pain of it. A pain he hadn’t ever felt before. He knew what he did. He had apologised for it. He meant it. But the words kept coming and from them came a whole new set of feelings he had absolutely no fucking idea he’d been hiding.

“It hurts that so many people don’t remember who he is on sight, though I know he prefers it that way. It hurts that he is probably the last best hero there ever fucking was at fifteen years old. I feel guilty because after All for One he couldn’t be the hero he so desperately wanted to be even though there is no one, no one more deserving! I feel bitter and jaded and I hate myself for what I did to him!”

He got up to pace a little bit. She didn’t try to stop him.

Then he sat himself back down.

“It hurts. It all hurts.” He whispered to her, distressed. She nodded.

“You’re opening the section.” She said softly. “It’s not the events you’ve been hiding. It’s everything else.”

He heaved out a sigh.

They took a small break, but it didn’t last long.

Katsuki could finally fucking see what she had been getting at. And now he could, everything fucking tumbled out of him.

He would talk about the incident that started it, then along came all those fucking feelings she mentioned.

Everything.

So much shit about the fucking league. Being kidnapped, made to feel helpless and useless again so soon after that first time. All that fucking shit with Shoto and Endeavor. The horror of looking at that bitter flame-bearded fucking asshole and knowing that could have easily become his future if he hadn’t figured his shit out.

All Might. 

His guilt for that mess was still there, lurking away in those dark bookshelves. Shame. Regret. Self-loathing. 

Jealousy. 

Fuck, that jealousy and guilt mountain built from All Might’s love for Izuku and Katsuki’s part in his retirement was an hour of pure screaming at the resurfaced pain.

The Sports Festival reappeared. Sunny didn’t say a word this time. Just listened to him howl out his pain at how that all played out. How he discovered Shoto’s truth and how Izuku fucking reached him right there on television. Destroyed his own fucking bones to break down those icy walls. A visible fucking metaphor clear only to Katsuki because no one else knew. Katsuki couldn’t even try to replicate it. He wanted that fire so fucking bad but the reasons why were so much more fucking complicated than he could understand back then. He wanted Shoto’s very best sure. His win didn’t mean shit without it and he desperately needed it to. He had been struggling with being in a class of big players and no longer being the golden kid. No longer the smartest. No longer the undisputed strongest. But he also wanted to reach Shoto like Izuku managed to, he just had no fucking idea how. Bungled it like he always fucking did. Another stark and painful example of that hero heart Izuku owned that he fucking didn’t.

His relationship with Eijiro came up again too. That wasn’t as innocent as he thought it was at fucking all. He had shelved a shocking amount of guilt over the fact he had bonded with Eijiro so fucking strongly and so damn easily but not with Izuku. The fact Ei’s quirk helped Katsuki feel safe enough trust him spoke real fucking volumes when put in extra context. That wasn’t the foundation of their friendship, not at all, but just knowing that it was a part of it added another fucking dimension of fuckery considering Izuku’s quirklessness.

Izuku. 

It all fucking came back to him eventually. Everything. Layers and layers of extremely complex emotion that haunted him and, when examined closer, all lead right back to his greatest ever frenemy. A person who his entire world seemed to revolve around in a hundred fucking different ways.

A golden child and scapegoat dynamic so fucking extreme everyone and everything had been dragged into it.

The pull to his push.

The smile to his sneer.

The light in his dark.

Yin and Yang.

The game changed a little when Sunny started poking holes in Izuku’s character. Katsuki turned on her for it like a rage filled bear when she pointed out that Izuku’s good intentions only provoked him and that he should have been smart enough to know better.

Katsuki ripped his TV clean off the wall and snapped it in fucking half whilst screaming at her, absolutely unwilling to hear any fucking shit she had to say about him.

Surprisingly, she didn’t quirk him for it, but her face went very sharp and he managed to steer himself back to expressing himself with words, angrily jabbing at that list of emotions to help himself assign names to them all.

Then, out came more secrets. Ones he had actually forgotten.

The pain of never feeling good enough because of how his mother used to shoot him down in an attempt to deflate his ego, but how it only hurt him and made him more defensive and determined to prove her wrong. The pain of realising he wouldn’t ever be able to prove her fucking wrong at all because nothing but perfection was ever good enough, and perfection was only a damn fucking concept. One that was never based in reality.

Those times that Katsuki had got in the way of Izuku being killed. The realisation that his legs moved on their own and that he did have that hero heart all along, just like Izuku. Then the fear of realising the cost of owning that hero heart might potentially be his fucking life.

Those times where Katsuki tried so fucking hard to emulate Izuku’s kindness only to have his attempts made fun off because it was so out of character. How much it fucking hurt when Denki teased him for his clumsy attempts to be gentle when Katsuki was genuinely trying.

How he only ever wanted approval and how much it sucked that he had pigeonholed himself into the asshole trope so damn early in life despite all about him.

A fully realised self-fulfilled prophecy of his own making. Even now. 

So much guilt, self loathing and pain. Genuine emotional pain unlike anything he had ever known.

It went like that for hours. Sunny barely really spoke except to try and remind him to calm down. 

The finale came when she asked one question.

“If Midoriya causes you this much pain, why on Earth do you still speak to him?”

At that he lost his absolute fucking mind.

He roared at her for it like a goddamn animal and obliterated the table they were sat at, so completely and utterly offended at the idea he would run and hide from Izuku after all he had done for him.

She had gave him that warning look but not stopped him and he was glad she didn’t because out came a hundred other fucking emotions he hadn’t been aware of.

Nice ones.

Love.

Because Katsuki loved that stupid little dweeb more than anyone else. More than he ever thought himself capable. Even more than his actual living breathing family. 

Katsuki screamed at her that Izuku was the best fucking thing that had ever happened to him and that he would destroy the entire fucking world for him if he had to. That despite every single fucked up thing they had ever been through, Izuku was the only one who ever loved him enough to truly believe him capable of good, even at his worst, and that Katsuki would lay down his soul to the devil himself if it could ever come close to repaying him for it.

He screamed those words at her, raw and as tortured as a slug in salt.

She had lifted her hands up to him in an effort to placate him and he had torn up his book to throw it around in response.

Then as he started pacing more, the pain building and building, his breath quickening and palms sweating so fucking much despite the lack of explosives in them, she finally slammed the breaks on him.

When she hit him with her quirk before, it had felt fucking awful. This time it was flat out debilitating. A brain freeze sensation along side that head rush.

His vision spotted out, his head swam and he was quickly on his back on his sofa. It felt like she had shoved a fucking vibrator right into the middle of his brain stem.

“Easy. Stay down.” She said calmly, still at the remains of the table but on her feet.

“Fuck that feels shitty.” He mumbled.

“You were about to throw yourself into a full scale meltdown and I can’t let that happen.” She said flatly.

He couldn’t even disagree with her. He felt weirdly calm, that sudden fucking shove from her quirk to his head leaving him somewhat dazed despite all the pain he was still in.

“I love him.” He said quietly.

“Yes. That’s pretty clear. Love is a lot of things and it can bring out both our best and worst.” She said softly, her tone unusually kind. Katsuki looked at her.

“I’d kill for him. I don’t ever want him out of my life.”

“He’d cry if you did that, so please don’t. And you don’t have to keep him out of your life. But you do need to take the time to truly filter through these emotions to manage them. Your relationship with him is extremely important so having these books organised is going to be equally so. For now, we’ll shelve it, then, when your library is a little tidier, we’ll come back.” She said gently.

“No. We need to-…” He began, desperately wanting this fixed so the pain went away.

“Bakugou. It’s out there now but you need time to process. There’s plenty of other things worth our time to work on first. Then, once you’ve got more comfortable with those books being in among your others, we can organise them.”

He trusted her and gave a nod.

“Alright.”

She got close and he tensed briefly.

“I’m not going to pick at you, you’re done for the day.” She said quietly. “But I need some reassurance.”

He grunted, half passed out.

“Hitoshi will be back soon enough, will you be safe until he gets here?”

He grunted again, but then he thought of that brief panic he had seen in those earlier hours of the night.

“I’m not going to do anything stupid.” He managed to mumble.

“Stupid is in the eye of the beholder. Safety is not. Will you be safe?” She said more softly.

“I scared the shit out of him. I won’t do it again.” He said quietly.

“I need you to say the words-…”

“I’m gonna be fucking safe!” He snapped at her earning a small noise of acceptance.

“Great. Hitoshi generally isn’t a nosy asshole and prefers leaving things alone, but if he does ask you questions you don’t want to answer, just tell him you can’t talk about it yet. He will respect that.” She said moving back to get her things. 

Katsuki turned his head to look at her.

“Who does he talk to?” He asked. She looked at him.

“Me.”

“Beyond that. Does he have anyone in this fucking world in his corner at all?” He asked earning a long hard look from her.

Of course she wouldn’t say.

“Maybe you should ask him that?” She said quietly. Then she left.

Chapter Text

Health and Lifestyle

They sat at the sofa this time. Well. Sunny did. Katsuki couldn’t stomach being that close to her and had planted himself on one of his dinning room chairs opposite.

“How you feeling today?” She asked, eyes flickering all over him as they changed shape and colour.

He sighed.

“Honestly? Tired.” He said quietly.

She nodded.

“You’ve been processing.” She said looking him back in the eye. 

Had he? Ah. Team Goo.

“I had a conversation with Hitoshi. A long one with a lot of painful words.” He said looking away. She made a noise of clear disapproval but he huffed out an amused breath at it. “It wasn’t him being a dick. I actually got him talking again. Teamwork.” He said before he looked back at her more seriously. 

She was very focused on his face instead of his headspace.

“That’s unusual.” She said.

“Yeah. I’ve realised that. Do you call him a monster?” He asked her, watching carefully for any tells.

There were absolutely none. Her face remained perfectly controlled, but she didn’t immediately clap back at him which meant she was thinking carefully.

“I’ll call him all manner of things if it gets him talking.” She said blandly. “You don’t like it.”

“There’s a lot about him I don’t like.” He said flatly. “But he hates himself. I don’t like that the most. And if it’s your job to fix him then I’m starting to question your abilities.”

Her lips twitched, just a little. A brief upturn at the corners as if she was trying to suppress a laugh. He scowled at her for it.

“This isn’t relevant.” She said but Katsuki leant forward to glare more severely.

“It is to me.”

“No. It is to your fixation, not to your well being. It’s touching that you are so very ready to fight me on his behalf, but that is not the task we are here to complete.”

“You talk to him about me.” He pointed out to her with clear disapproval. She rolled her eyes.

“I tell him what he needs to know to help facilitate in your care. And you aren’t an operative. I have no obligation to keep your secrets beyond my professional courtesy.”

He huffed at that, frustrated.

He’d not been able to stop thinking about every fucking terrible thing the Goblin had told him and he wanted her input on it. Reassurance maybe.

There were so many tiny terrible truths scattered in every single thing he had said.

Violence, drugs, death, and pain. 

The way he casually mentioned almost bleeding out in his ex’s arms because of a mistake was so messed up. Like it was a given. His own wellbeing didn’t seem to concern him at all either, just the consequences of what it did to his ex. 

And all those scars half hidden under those pretty tattoos. How many close calls had he had now? One foot constantly in the grave and completely unbothered by it.

The quirk shit was another thing entirely. 

A quirk was a part of you. Like an arm or a leg even if it took the form of a machine gun. 

He looked at his palms, willing them to produce nitro again. That little pop he made earlier had shocked him.

But there hadn’t been anything since. He figured Hitoshi was right about that too. The more he focused on it the more stressed it made him. It was best to leave it well alone and just wait for it to return on it’s own.

Being declawed felt like being naked at a black tie event.

All that self-hate over Hitoshi’s quirk. A part of who he is. So much damage done by words. It was so fucking sad.

Most of their friends knew about Hitoshi’s quirk fear because of how he refused to use it when sparring, but they didn’t know what Katsuki did. 

A few years back, Katsuki had misjudged a kick and hit hard enough to break the Goblin’s collarbone. Hitoshi had immediately reacted to it in pure instinct. Grabbed Katsuki with his quirk to shut him down right then and there in automatic defence. It had been a shock, but Katsuki was actually excited by it given the Goblin never used his quirk in their fights. Then he had watched the Goblin freak the fuck out in the training hall, face pale and entire body shaking, repeatedly swallowing as if he was trying not to puke. Asking Katsuki, over and over, if he was alright despite his trembling hands and collarbone being broken. Katsuki had been stunned still which only freaked him out more. 

It had been the very first time he had seen the Goblin truly fucking scared. 

And the last up till all this.

Even whilst they were at school his quirk fear hadn’t been that bad. Nothing like it. Katsuki had noted it as weird at the time, but never read into it too far. Now he knew exactly what had made that quirk fear worse. 

It painted a very ugly picture.

“It’s concerning. He’s complicated and by fuck does he ever have a hell of a bad history. It’s fucked up. And it’s doubly so that he’s out there saving the fucking world when I now know for a damn fact he can barely seem to save himself.” He said quiet and irked. “And I can’t help but wonder why the hell he’s here pulling me through this horror show when it’s forcing him to relive all his very worst moments, even without me pushing him to talk.” 

He tilted his chin upward and scowled at a bit of splattered egg on his ceiling. 

The way Hitoshi had laughed earlier had been different. Genuine. Not just a shield made of clown antics and jokes. 

There were so many layers to him.

A hundred different people in one body despite the basics being the same.

And all those faces, so carefully created, were absolutely necessary to survive in the crazy world he lived in. A world where death was apparently so day to day he mentioned it as if it should be expected.

Lives on the line, broken hearts, and blood.

“He’s a fucking terrifying man, tough as an old boot, but underneath that shield he’s like a pane of cracked glass. Why is he reliving his worst fucking heartbreak with Yudo, for me? All I’ve ever done is try to punch him in the face and whilst it sounds like that asshole very much did the same, clearly their relationship was also very different.” He looked back at her and was mildly satisfied to see her shocked. “It makes no fucking sense.”

Her eyes flickered all over him briefly before slowly her expression schooled itself.

“Have you ever considered that he is a lot more complicated than even you can appreciate?” She said slow and cautious.

Katsuki immediately recognised the behaviour. An International working around their strict NDA.

Interesting.

“Sure. I’ve got blind spots just like everyone else and that multilayered trash heap isn’t like anyone I’ve ever met before. But the question remains, what’s the true motivation? People don’t do this kind of shit for nothing. He isn’t doing it to feel good about himself and like I said, our relationship was solely built on fighting each other. So why?”

She opened her mouth before she closed it and shook her head with a sigh, clearly able to see something he couldn’t like fucking always.

“Maybe you should ask him.” She said flatly before making a little tut and shaking her head again. “That’s enough. We’re moving on.” He huffed.

It took Sunny all of fifteen minutes to use her quirk to put him on his ass.

They had been organising books. She needed him to give them recognition, then they put them away. A very fucking strange process.

She started with ‘non-fiction’ which was simple enough.

“Math.” She said.

“What about it?”

“Nothing, just needed you to think about it to highlight all those books. On the shelf we go.” She said. And then, Katsuki felt it. A very small almost imperceptible shift. A sudden tiny taste of clarity in his very foggy mind. “You see how it works?” 

He nodded.

“It feels good.” He said, dumbfounded by her quirk. 

Hitoshi said mind quirks were rare as all hell and that it was a good thing they were or this world would be a far worse place. That minds were complicated, so mind quirks were even more so. Sunny certainly proved that, if Hitoshi didn’t already. Her quirk was truly fucking something.

Katsuki hated to think of the damage it could do if she wanted it to.

He should have known it wouldn’t actually be that simple.

“Okay. Let’s try something a bit harder. Eijiro.” She said making him frown.

“Eijiro.” He repeated, thinking of the big idiot. She looked around his library and hummed. 

“A bit tricky.” She said quietly. “We need to move these books.”

Katsuki felt something instinctive curl at her words. Something uncomfortable.

“Why?”

“Because you don’t have room on your shelf for those new emotional books. They’re linked. They should sit together. You have to accept that there is a part of your relationship that makes you feel guilty.” She said surprisingly kindly.

Intangible nonsense.

Still. He thought about what he had shouted at her before. His own quirk fear hidden among the guilt. How much he trusted Ei. 

It felt… difficult.

He scowled at her.

“Stop turning your feelings into anger.” She immediately said, those eyes watching him close and careful.

“I feel angry. I’m not turning anything-…” He began hotly.

She clicked her tongue at him.

“You feel frustrated and uncomfortable.” She said sharply.

“Oh you’re a damn expert on how I fucking feel now are you?!” He exploded at her, leaping to his feet.

The she quirked him and he was immediately on his ass on the floor. He couldn’t even blame her for that. He just put his head in his hands and sighed.

“Sorry.” He mumbled.

“Your anger is a very big problem. One I don’t have time to help you work through, so let’s just get some hard facts into the open.” She said, clipped and firm.

He looked at her, a little wary.

“This is already hard as fuck. I’m fucking exhausted.” He said earning a small nod.

“I know. But we don’t have time to be delicate. Bakugou you have big fucking problems, far beyond that of this latest trauma. Do you explode at people like that at work? Your job deals with the general public and they’re a bunch of stupid morons.” She said pointedly.

He actually huffed out a laugh at that before rubbing his fingers into his eyes and whining out a loud noise of tired frustration.

“No. I don’t give a fuck about Mr or Ms Whoever and their misinformed bigoted views of modern society. That shit rolls right off my back. I just flip em off, call ‘em dumb assholes, and tell ‘em to stop wasting my fucking time.” He explained. 

“But as soon as you feel vulnerable you explode like a nuke. Why?”

He pulled his hands away from his eyes and gave her a hollow stare.

“I think it’s become pretty damn obvious I’ve got some emotional processing problems.” He said flatly making her actually laugh quietly.

“So you’re self aware.” She said with intrigue.

Katsuki sighed and took a moment to look at her. Another international monster and so much like Hitoshi despite their huge differences. One hundred and fifty centimetres of sheer gall and ruthless efficiency.

He slowly nodded.

“I lose my temper, I say shit I don’t mean, and I do it as quick and vicious as possible before I even realise it’s happening. I say shit I know will hurt. It’s always been a problem and I’ve tried to get a grip on it, but when I lose my temper, which happens a fucking lot, it’s all out before I even notice.” He said truthful and sincere.

She made a humming noise, seeming to think that through.

“You have to learn how to recognise it. No one can do that but you. But understanding the process will help.” She said before lifting up her bag and pulling out a piece of paper. Katsuki recognised it as the emotion list and let out another loud groan, flopping down onto his back.

She just snorted but slid it toward him.

“When you feel vulnerable, you react violently because you are a pathetic yappy little Chihuahua.”

He sat back up at that and gawked at her.

“Ex-fucking-cuse me?!” He shrieked. She didn’t seem even remotely fazed.

“A terrified little dog, biting anyone who gets too close or scares you. Chihuahua’s are actually rather wonderful animals, but their anxiety and neurotic dispositions make them lash out violently. You are exactly the fucking same and it’s time you learnt how to stop biting everyone who scares you. One day you’ll bite the wrong person and there will be severe consequences. You know words hurt. Your emotional problems are no fucking excuse for dishing out cruelty and they never were. It’s unacceptable and you need to handle it.”

God he wanted to punch her, just once. But she wasn’t fucking wrong.

“How can I stop it happening when it happens so fast?” He just said tiredly.

“Yesterday you could notice your panic response and did an outstanding job of intervening despite how much emotional pain you were in. Anger is the same. You have to slow it down by recognising what’s happening to your body.” She said simply. “Right now you are very vulnerable so it will be far harder, and I can appreciate that even if it’s irritating. But you also need to start questioning why it was you reacted angrily. What actually triggered your reaction? What were you actually feeling?” 

He looked at that list before him.

“Anger is an emotion.” He said, tapping at it on the list.

“Yes, but like most emotions there are overlaps. It makes it easy to use anger to cover others. You can be sad angry. Anxious angry. Fearful angry. I bet you somehow manage to be happy angry given how skilful you are at using it. All those emotions are there underneath, but you use anger to protect yourself. That has to stop.” She said calm and matter of fact.

He thought back to the last fight he had with Mina.

He had spent all fucking day making dinner for the clowns and she had turned up to Denki’s completely blasted and put her fingers in all his food.

He lost his fucking mind at her. Big time.

They’d smoothed it over after some space and apologies, but he really cut her down with words he knew she would feel painfully. Eijiro had wrestled him back and booted him from Denki’s apartment for a time out.

He looked at all those words before him.

“I was hurt. Frustrated. Upset. Sad. Disappointed. Resentful.” He said quietly.

Sunny leant down a little, those creepy eyes swirling as she looked at him.

“Explain.” She said.

“I blew the fuck up at someone I care about. Called her a dumb pathetic alcoholic waste of space. Said she was a stupid slutty bitch who didn’t give a shit about anyone but herself.” He said grimacing before shaking his head. “I was getting more and more fucked off with her. I wanted to have a nice evening. Get some compliments for my food and relax. Then she turned up off her face in chaos mode and that shit all over my plans. When she ruined all my food too? I fucking lost it.”

Sunny hummed.

“Feeling angry isn’t a bad thing. It’s normal and it’s healthy. Why wouldn’t you be angry in that circumstance? But there would have been a point where you could have intervened to manage that anger so you didn’t launch it outward destructively. Thoughts and feelings influence each other. Feelings usually cannot be stopped. They happen and there’s not really much that can be done about that short of compartmentalising. But thoughts? Behaviours? They can be actively monitored and adjusted, and that eventually helps manifest feelings in an easier way.” She said seriously.

Katsuki fidgeted himself into a more comfortable position, moving his arms around his crossed legs and listening.

“Say someone pisses you off, you’re going to have a lot of feelings. You can’t stop that. But if you then think, ‘they’re a real asshole, I’m going to punch them in the face’? That’s a thought and behaviour fuelled by feelings. That’s where you need to start intervening. If you can shift it, just enough, you can train yourself into better behaviour. Instead you think, ‘they’re being a real asshole today, I’m going to walk away before I punch them in the face’. A small adjustment, but one that has an entirely different pattern and outcome.” She explained calmly.

“But I react before I can stop it.” He said.

“You don’t notice to act before you can stop it.” She disagreed. “Practice makes perfect. The more aware of those things you are, the more you rewire your habits, and the easier it will become.” She pointed to the list. “Keep this. Keep it with you at all times if you have to. Then, when you feel angry, stop everything and pull it out. Look at it. See if there’s anything written here that makes more sense than anger. You are smart and you are analytical. Use that curiosity to your advantage. Feel those emotions, don’t fear them, but also observe them more critically. Then you can process them better and it will help you step back enough to control your behaviour. You won’t ever be a Buddhist monk, that’s not who you are, but if you can get that process down it will help when you need it most.”

Katsuki wasn’t sure how feasible it was, but it did make sense.

Practice makes perfect.

“There’s a lot of CBT I think would be a serious help to you, but I’m here to help reorganise your head to handle this latest trauma. It’ll have to wait until after then.” She said looking genuinely sympathetic.

He just shrugged.

“Then let’s organise the library. I’ll keep the emotion list.” He said earning a nod.

They picked up books and put them back. It was a process. Long and arduous. Talking through endless volumes of things he barely thought about, even if it was just to give them the recognition needed for her to shelve them.

Sunny wanted to put a lot of his angrier books away on high shelves, slightly less easier to reach. It felt wrong in a way he couldn’t describe. So he vehemently disagreed with her wishes unkindly. She vehemently called him a stupid little bitch boy who likes to hide behind his big angry loser face. Katsuki threatened to throw her out his window. She laughed and told him to fucking try it.

That pretty much set the tone for the rest of the session.

She was such a fucking bitch and seemed determined to fight him on every single damn fucking thing. It was goddamn exhausting.

Difficult books would come up regularly. Books that should be together but that had been separated for years by him shelving one or two in his restricted section. They would need a bit more attention, but it was mostly just an argumentative back and forth to examine them, link them with their related series, and make sure everything got collated properly.

So many fucking books.

People, places, things. A lot of non-fiction. Those were easy. But there were also the nuanced books, the short books, the opinionated ones, the biased ones, the newer scary ones. Katsuki hadn’t talked this much in his entire life. It was making a difference though. He could feel it in a way that was really fucking hard to explain.

His brain still felt cluttered and heavy, but there was a strange kind of catharsis to the whole thing that left him feeling relaxed despite their constant bickering. Soothing like a repetitive motion.

There were other problems. Books of things that probably shouldn’t be there at all. Sunny said Katsuki had a fucking lot of problems, not just his anger issues. That wasn’t a surprise to him, and he was sure it wouldn’t be to anyone else. His personality was apparently ‘garbage worthy of Hitoshi’s landfill’. He hadn’t bothered arguing. 

Sunny also reiterated that those problems weren’t what they were there to handle. Not related to this incident. He understood and was frankly relieved. They had a set goal and a short space of time to reach it. They needed to get his library functional again and everything else could come later on his own terms.

She did give him some rather ominous words though.

“You have more triggers than an American gun shop and frankly I’m horrified because one of these days you’re going to do someone some real damage. I don’t have the time to sit down with you and go through the lengthy process of picking apart your anger, anxiety and fear issues. As I said, I’m here to handle trauma, but please listen to me when I say you desperately need to do that with someone.” She said it all plain and matter of fact.

He was too agitated and tired to really care. She probably wasn’t wrong but he just wanted her gone by that point.

When she finally fucked off for the evening, his mind helpfully reminded him of his upcoming hearing, probably in an effort to get away from the harpy for a while.

Another fucking problem in the very long list. 

‘Like climbing Everest in flip flops’, just like he’d been told.

Then he upset the Goblin.

Frankly it was well overdue. Katsuki hadn’t ever spent so long in close proximity to someone without upsetting them in some capacity to be honest.

He asked him that ‘why’ question that had been wriggling about in his head, genuinely wanting to start an intellectual conversation and maybe even a team bonding moment. They were already talking about his hearing and into the heavy shit anyway. 

The Goblin even called him ‘Katsuki’ for the very first time. Ever. It was notable and he really liked how he said it.

Katsuki had wanted to point out that, despite Hitoshi’s terrible past and how that past was probably what had kept him here, Katsuki was ready and willing to pay back the effort.

To be someone in his corner.

That was not how it played out.

Because apparently Katsuki was dead fucking wrong that Hitoshi was there in an act of penance for his old crimes and simply there because he liked Katsuki, as hard as that was to truly believe given their history.

And the Goblin went into operative mode because of it.

It was kinda freaky how he shifted persona. Another horrible truth that there was that creature not very far away from the surface, ready to be called into action at a second’s notice.

One moment he was all caring antiseptic, his words a healing sting, then he was that shapeshifting chameleon monster he always called himself. Sharp intelligent eyes, no emotion, focused, and dangerous.

Katsuki felt bad about it. 

Guilty. 

Another clumsy attempt to be gentle and understanding but also another incorrect assumption.

Katsuki still didn’t know so much about him. Was surprised by how much he really wanted to rectify that.

Then the fucker reanimated again, but his shield of bullshit was back up. What was worse? That monster was still watching under it all and he went right for the fucking throat.

He spotted a weakness, and went straight for it.

Katsuki had forgotten why it was he spent so long trying to find the best way to punch his fucking teeth out, but the Goblin was happy to remind him. When Hitoshi wanted to, he could find a sore spot no matter how well hidden, and he would jab it with as much quick witted brutality as fucking possible. Snake-like, both in speed and devil forked tongue.

Words. 

Something Hitoshi knew how to wield so damn well.

Katsuki lay in a heap with his fucked up ribs on his fucked up table as Hitoshi cackled like a fucked up hag and he stewed in fury at it.

Then, as the Goblin finally pissed off, he felt that sweaty panic.

Because he hadn’t been serious had he?

Izuku?

No.

He was messing with him.

Wasn’t he? Fuck.

What if he wasn’t? Katsuki loved Izuku, far more than he realised in fact, but it wasn’t like that. 

Right? 

Fuck he hated that fucking Goblin.

A master of damn near everything, including being a complete dick.

Romance Novels

The Goblin was singing. Katsuki had left on his music whilst having a shower given he knew the irritating fucker didn’t care for it. The playlist was one of his angriest ones too. A nice mix of a bunch of very screamy people. Katsuki had put it on a lot more after he saw the Goblin scrunching his face at it like a disturbed cat whilst Katsuki cooked.

Apparently the playlist had ended and switched onto some wildly misinformed bit of algorithm bullshit though.

The Goblin didn’t tend to care for music. He had said that he didn’t really get into it as a kid given he barely had any way to listen to it and, since he was international, at the most he picked up a lot of random music in English or Spanish.

This song was in English. Some sort of weird pop song with a wailing woman.

And he was singing it. Perfectly. 

Katsuki had known the Goblin spoke English fluently. Had found out he spoke multiple languages actually which was impressive. But English seemed to be an international default. Hitoshi sometimes slipped into it to talk to Sunny without realising and Katsuki could follow for the most part, but when Hitoshi sang in English? 

Different. Oh so very different.

Katsuki peaked out from the crack in his bathroom door when he heard it.

Exact inflection mimicry, except for the woman’s voice copied in his own deep one with more of a throaty curl to it. Katsuki knew music and he could hear ability too. Another impressive little talent Hitoshi had kept entirely to himself. 

The Goblin’s voice was a ‘thing’. It always had been. But now it wasn’t being exclusively used to encourage Katsuki to skin him alive every five fucking seconds, it was far much more so. It was one of those things that made him very uncomfortable in the way Katsuki was finally starting to recognise was not actually discomfort at fucking all.

Another one of those ‘oh shit’ moments that always made him feel like a fucking dumbass when they happened.

Katsuki was turned on by it, and like in every case where someone he was close to turned him on, he mentally ran in the opposite fucking direction as quick as possible.

Katsuki broke hearts and got called an asshole by everyone he had ever even remotely gone near in a romantic capacity. He did not want to go through that with people in his own inner circle.

But the Goblin?

Did he now count as inner circle?

That was an interesting thought. 

In a way, no. The Goblin had always been an orbiting extra who occasionally arced in close before sailing back to the outer ring of nowhere. Like a comet of barbed remarks with an elliptical trajectory, and Katsuki the sun powered solely by the desperate wish to smite him. Then again, it was always Katsuki tracking him down. A meteor of spite trying to cause destruction to a planet that laughed and flipped him off as he failed to do so.

Cosmic metaphors aside, it was now much harder to say that with certainty. Given Hitoshi hadn’t just appeared with his quick insults and steel fists before fucking back off, Katsuki could appreciate just how much of a good fucking person he really was, even if he was also utterly terrifying and kept revealing the world’s horrors to him.

Katsuki tried not to laugh as he continued to sing, the woman getting louder and him matching it like a parrot.

Such a smooth voice. It could get real deep too. Smoky.

Katsuki wondered what it’d sound like when-…

Nope. Goddamn it. This was a nightmare.

Not only had he learnt the Goblin was interesting, but he was always finding other shit to like. 

Why was he so fucking talented at everything? Except cooking. But that was actually a relief. Katsuki didn’t need to feel insecure about the one thing outside of violent law enforcement he loved the most.

Hitoshi suddenly belted out the entire chorus in perfect fucking pitch high notes. 

Perfect fucking pitch high notes. Loud too. Powerfully projected.

God, if Earphones ever heard this she would lose her goddamn fucking mind.

Katsuki burst into laughter in sheer fucking shock.

The Goblin startled at the sound like a cat, whipping around with… urgh. He had Katsuki’s leftovers in his hands and had clearly been about to help himself.

“Are you fucking serious right now?!” Katsuki barked at him.

He grinned and hurriedly moved to stuff as many bits of fried pork into his face as he could like an actual fucking feral racoon.

They’d literally just had fucking breakfast. What the hell.

Katsuki took it back. There was nothing redeemable about this fucking hobo at all, even if he could sing.

“Relationships.” Katsuki said, arms folded and already defensive as fuck.

“Yes, good morning to you, I’m well, thanks for asking. I assume you have something you wish to discuss with me about relationships.” Sunny said mockingly making him glare at her.

“I’m bad at them. Why?” He said, dismissing her bitch attitude.

She huffed at him.

“Just because I can see a giant ugly metaphor for your life, it doesn’t mean I can read your mind.” She said shrewdly.

“You called my mind beautiful.” He shot back to her with a sneer.

“I did. But that doesn’t mean your shitty personality isn’t ugly and tainting all it touches.” She said haughtily.

Katsuki rolled his eyes.

“How comes everyone else can do the relationships thing but it just fucks me off. Why am I different? You said it’s not because I hate people even though they piss me off. So why?” He said, frustrated that she was being difficult when he was actually trying to have an important conversation.

Thankfully she seemed to settle a little and her eyes did that thing as they looked all around his library.

“Okay fine. Let’s take a moment and unpick this. Where did this trouble begin?” She asked more calm and focused.

He grunted.

Right.

“Eijiro.” He said quietly.

Her eyebrows rose at that. 

“You haven’t ever mentioned there was a romantic element to your relationship before.” She said seriously. Katsuki nodded.

“Because there wasn’t, but that’s where it started. I thought I loved him. And, well I suppose I did, still do, but I couldn’t tell the difference.” He said a little uncomfortable but willing to push through.

“Between platonic and romantic love outside of family?”

“Yeah. I mean. We were teenagers at the end of the world. There was a lot going on. All I knew was I hadn’t ever felt like that about anyone before and that he was hot. I assumed that meant I wanted him and it caused a brief sexuality crisis before I decided I didn’t really care.” He explained. “I also knew he wasn’t into dudes despite his love of all things manly, so that kept me from making an ass out of myself and blowing up our friendship. Then I saw him kissing this girl from the other class and I-…” He broke off as he thought back to it, tried to really concentrate on it.

How did he feel? Had he hidden anything about it? 

He looked at his list of emotions he had put back out when the Goblin fucked off. Nothing complicated jumped into focus.

“I was kinda bummed out, but mostly because I was possessive I think. When he smiled at her, all big and soft like a dopey idiot, I was also kind of relieved. I’d have blown up his face if he looked at me like that. The thought of it was embarrassing and weird. And from there I realised that it wasn’t that kind of love. He is hot, and he is a damn fucking great guy, but I love him in a way that’s not like that. Now it’s flat out creepy to think about it.”

He looked back to her and found her smirking at him. He scowled at the expression.

“You really do trust him don’t you. That’s some incredible emotional safety.” She mused.

“Are you seriously going to make me regret talking to you? That can’t be productive for our work.” He said hotly. She chuckled.

“You can take a bit of teasing. It’s good for you.” She said before she went a bit more thoughtful. “Have you ever considered that relationships just aren’t really for you? That is a thing. Some people just don’t function that way and it can be for any number of reasons.” She offered.

Katsuki thought about the Goblin singing earlier. Thought of those laughs that sounded more genuine. Those blunt words that sometimes stung like antiseptic.

That fucking body. 

Sexiest fucking patchwork Frankenstein. 

He wanted him, was genuinely attracted to him, but also, a relationship? That would be a damn fucking mess. The Goblin wasn’t the only complicated one and these things never ended well. 

“What if…” He trailed off.

“You don’t have to be completely one way or completely another. Relationships and sexuality can be fluid. People are unique and so every relationship is too. There are solid foundations every relationship is built on: trust, loyalty, respect. But people like different things and that makes our preferences flexible. What’s a hard no for one person might be exactly someone else’s jam. What you hate in one person you might like in another, or something you didn’t like might suddenly grow on you. It doesn’t have to be ‘always’ or ‘never’, it can be a maybe that becomes something else.” She said calm and measured.

Katsuki knew that well enough. She’d already gave him a lot of shit for his black and white thinking.

“Maybe you simply haven’t found the right kind of person for your jam. You say people piss you off, but then tell me completely sincerely that you love Eijiro in the very next breath. Does he piss you off?” She asked.

“All the fucking time.”

“But you love him anyway?”

“Yeah. But he isn’t in my business every damn day and honestly, as much as he does piss me off, it’s never in a way that makes me want to legitimately murder anyone. It might make me bald one day, but not earn me jail time.” He explained with a shrug. “I’d go to war for him.”

She hummed at that.

“Is there anyone else you’d go to war for?” She asked.

“Sure. Mina, Denki, Izuku obviously, Hanta.” A number of other people too, but those were the main ones he supposed.

She seemed to think on that a little.

“What about someone you’re less close to? There has to be outliers.”

Katsuki grunted, considering it. Not the Goblin, that was too new.

“Earphones is a harder one. I mean. I respect her and I like her, but outright war? Dunno. Maybe.” He said frowning a little.

“Would you ever date her?”

“Gross, no.” He said wrinkling his nose.

“Why? She ugly?” Sunny said amused. He rolled his eyes at her hinting he was a shallow asshole. She wasn’t entirely wrong.

“No. But she ain’t my type. Got that alt emo style going on I’m not a big fan off in women. She’s not ugly, but, also it’s weird. And she’d just piss me off. Probably end up killing me in my sleep too. She’s definitely got that ‘knife through the ribs in the night’ vibe.” He said with a bit of a smirk. He did like Kyoka, she could be real cutting with her humour. Maybe he would go to war for her.

“You seem to have big problems with what many would call grey areas. You’re one extreme or the other without much room for compromise.” Sunny pointed out.

He gave her a look of mild interest before nodding because honestly that was true enough.

“It’s always been that way. I’m either in or out. I care too much or not at fucking all.” He agreed easy enough. Another blanket statement but true in most cases.

“That’s most likely why you struggle with relationships. When it takes a world ending scenario for you to trust someone with emotional intimacy, how in the hell is anyone new going to get close enough to move from ‘fuck off extra’ into your ‘go to war’ zone? Adding the idea of romance to those kinds of extremes won’t ever be easy. Uninteresting nobody or family blood pact. Where’s the happy medium that lets feelings develop?”

Well. She had a real fucking point there.

And it sucked because that was probably never going to fucking change.

The Goblin was a unique case and technically this had very much been an end of world scenario, even if it was at a personal scale.

Sunny’s eyes had sharpened as they watched him.

“I have a question but it is a personal one.” She said softly. He raised an eyebrow at her.

“As if every single fucking thing we talk about isn’t.” He said confused. She smirked.

“Okay. It’s one that might not be relevant, and one that will likely make you defensive and back to angry betta fish.” She clarified. He rolled his eyes but gestured her to go ahead. “You’re bisexual.” She stated. He grunted.

“Yeah.”

“But you’ve only ever attempted to date women. Why?” 

“Who said that?” He said shortly. The fucking Goblin better not have.

“It was an assumption based on what little you’ve said, but I think it was a correct one given that defensive clap back.” She said pointedly making him grimace at her. 

Smart ass.

He huffed and took a moment to focus on the question. It had a complicated answer.

“When I’ve agreed to date women before it’s usually just me trying to give it a shot because they’re hot. People would get pushy and I went along with it because that’s what people do. They date people. If someone’s hot, fine. Why not give it a go? Some dudes have chased after me too but I find guys hot in a different way. A way that’s-… I dunno. It’s rare. Difficult to define. Not just a physical thing. I mean I can physically appreciate male bodies easy enough, but real attraction I want to act on is harder. The kind of guy I like isn’t easy to find I think. And if I do find them, chances are I’m going to tank that entire relationship. It’s easier to not go there at all. Plus I’ve never hooked up with a guy before beyond some making out and groping and at this point? Well. I’m a bit too old for sexual exploration.” He said carefully, assessing his words for any underlying angles he hadn’t noticed she would spot and shock him with.

“No one is too old for sexual exploration. That’s a bullshit excuse.” She said flatly before waving off his scowl. “Can you give me an example of a relationship with one of those men?” She asked in that unusual gentle tone that meant she was actually trying to not set him off, aware this was a sore spot, but interested enough to not provoke in case he lost his temper and derailed them.

He took his time to collect himself.

“Todoroki fucking Shoto.” He said with a wrinkled nose.

“Your friend.”

“Another one I’d go to war for, though, we don’t cross paths so much anymore.” He agreed.

She hummed. 

“So what happened?”

Katsuki pulled a face, uncomfortable. This was not an easy subject matter, not that any of them ever fucking were. 

He looked back at his list of emotions and sighed.

“For a while we had a thing. Nothing serious but a little back and forth that was building into something. He had a lot of fucking problems and in a way we bonded over our shitty issues. I’ve always known he was hot, but it never really occurred to me until we started getting closer. Ei knew about it, he was actually the one who pointed it out to my dumb ass, and he encouraged me to go all in, but I just-… fuck. It was so complicated. Shoto’s entire life was a goddamn mess and so was he. He was always blunt and to the point and that made things easier, but he needed someone who could actually offer him emotional safety and care. That wasn’t me. Every other word out of my mouth was an insult and my kind of care is like goddamn sandpaper.” He said with a long sigh.

That entire realisation had sucked. They hadn’t even been kids at that point either. Still young and foolish, but Katsuki had already broken several hearts by then. Had women scream and throw things at him when he told them he didn’t give a single fuck about their dumb expectations.

Shoto had been a bit more difficult because Katsuki did actually like him. Shoto hadn’t yet defined his sexuality, was still desperately trying to figure himself out. Had an entire laundry list of problems including horrendous though understandable trust issues. Katsuki was the literal explosives to his literal fire and it had felt good in a way. It wasn’t as if they didn’t know how badly damaged they both were and that came with a unique kind of acceptance. But Katsuki had also known, very quickly, they’d fucking destroy each other and probably take half of Tokyo down with them.

“I liked that he was flawed. I liked that he was strong as all fuck. I liked that when he really lost his temper, the entire city was in danger from it. It was all those kinds of things that made me actually feel attracted to him, not just his pretty dumb face. But I also knew that, if this went into relationship territory, we’d end up killing each other and I couldn’t let that happen. I care about him too much to put him through what I’d do to him.” He said quietly.

Sunny made a noise of recognition.

“You like your women pretty but with no real substance so they’re not a risk to your heart, and your men terrifyingly powerful with relatable emotional problems that you feel a strong bond with, but struggle to allow yourself to really approach lest you destroy their hearts.” She said with a nod and smirk to herself. “Very telling. One extreme to the other yet again.”

Katsuki gave her a withering stare.

“Seriously?”

“Am I wrong?”

He grunted. No. She wasn’t.

“Well. Even people with those kinds of bizarre preferences can sometimes find love. But they also have to be brave enough to take the risk. To trust that other person to get close or to make their own choices on whether you are worth the chance, instead of deciding that for them. There’s nothing wrong with being pragmatic about whether something will work out. But you also can’t push people away to protect yourself, or to protect them from yourself, then wonder why you’re lonely.”

He scowled at her for that.

“I never said I was lonely. I like my own fucking space.” He said hotly.

“Sure. But no matter your stance on romantic relationships, we are social animals. Maybe friendly companionship is enough, maybe there’s a middle ground, either way lone wolves die young.” She said simply before shaking her head a little. “You said Eijiro had to point that building relationship out to you.” 

He grunted a confirmation.

“I don’t notice that shit. Never have. I’ve never been particularly interested in it so it doesn’t usually occur to me beyond biological responses unless someone is real fucking direct. Sexual tension yes, though sometimes it takes time. Romantic shit or subtle advances, not a fucking chance.” He muttered.

She frowned at that briefly, her eyes lifting up and looking around his bookshelves. He wondered what he was highlighting for her to see.

“Emotions really are a big problem for you.” She said quietly. 

He raised his emotion list and waved it at her mockingly.

“I think we’re both very fucking aware of that by now. We’ve been spending hours trying to organise reams of books full of the damn things.” He said irritated. “Plus romantic relationships haven’t ever been important to me.” He added.

“Well clearly that’s not true given you’re talking to me about it.” She said pointedly.

He made an aggrieved groan and she actually laughed. 

“It’s something everyone else can do but I can’t. That is what’s important to me.” He said flatly.

She seemed to consider that for a moment, looking at him with a mixture of penetrating curiosity and intrigue that wasn’t particularly nice to experience.

“I’m not sure you’re ever going to be able to ‘do’ relationships if you continue to oscillate between shallow asshole or scared loser.” 

He crossed his arms across his chest and she gave him that asshole Hitoshi style cat-smile.

Such a fucking bitch. Still wasn’t fucking wrong though.

“If you do want a relationship you should try to date people you actually like for a change, not just because they’re physically attractive and safe. You have to trust people with your emotions. People who aren’t necessarily in your safe zone and emotions that aren’t just anger. Maybe it won’t work out, maybe relationships really aren’t for you, maybe it takes someone truly unique for you to actually connect with them. But you won’t know until you start examining grey areas and accept that some things won’t be ‘always’ or ‘never’. Stop being so scared of being scared. Being scared is normal. Constantly rejecting people purely so they don’t have the opportunity to reject you first isn’t going to help you, even if it makes you feel safe in the short term.”

He flipped her off and ignored her as she continued looking over his head.

“Why bring this up if you’re not lonely?” She asked more soft and kind.

He looked back at her but hesitated, pursing his lips. Her eyes flickered around his library and she smirked at what she saw smugly. 

She fucking knew. Of course she did.

“Tell me what you know about him. Your perspective is interesting.” She said looking very fucking pleased with herself.

He sniffed and gave her a measuring stare.

“Exchange. It’s not relevant, so if I’m talking, then so are you.” He said shrewdly. Her smile went downright creepy at that.

“You are a very smart man.” She said clearly amused. “But no. I can’t talk about him.”

Katsuki considered what he had learnt so far. She did say little things if he gave her enough to prompt her. 

“He’s fucking terrifying. In a whole new way. I never knew a damn thing about him even though we’ve crossed paths a million times. Now that ain’t totally unusual. As you’ve pointed out, if someone isn’t in my ‘go to war’ zone, I don’t usually care enough to focus on them. But it ain’t just me.” He said seriously.

She tilted her head at him, attentive and focused.

“No one knows anything about him. Not really. No dating history, no life history, no family history, nothing beyond basic shit. Hasn’t ever confided a damn thing into anyone.” He said quietly.

“How do you know that? An assumption?” She asked making him look at her.

“Even the best secret keepers slip up and as much as he has always been in the ‘extra’ box, I do pay attention, just in a different way. He and I fight a fucking lot and it’s always worth getting information on opponents in case there’s something I can use to my advantage. No one’s ever said a damn fucking thing and as much as our friends are loyal, they’re also dumb as rocks. I would have heard at least something by now if he had been talking.” He said pointedly.

She hummed, a little impressed smirk on her lips.

“I find your view of him intriguing. He does have a lot of different faces as you’ve rightfully noticed. That playful little irritant one is always fun to deal with.” She said making Katsuki nod in agreement. It wasn’t surprising she wrestled with that one the most despite their odd relationship.

“A shield.” He said before he looked away to frown to himself. “I’ve never met anyone like him. Ever. It intimidates me in a way I’m really fucking not used to being intimidated. Not just because he’s a fucking tactical nuke, but because of how clever and particular he is. He rarely speaks without thinking first, it does happen, but he usually picks his words real careful. Has this weird way about his inflections and how he emphasises things.”

Katsuki lifted his hand. 

“‘Lives on the line, bro-ken hearts, and blood’.” He repeated, emphasising those inflections by flicking his finger around. “He speaks in a rhythm sometimes, like a poet. ‘Katsuki’. Alliterative or patterned. Paced and modulated. I like it.”

He shook his head to himself, lowering his hand.

“And he seems to know exactly what to say to get the result he wants. That’s the next level shit. Precision in something everyone always does casually. Makes me feel like I’m playing chess with a mastermind. I’ve never seen that before. He’s got a response for everything, even if it’s just to brush me off or irritate me.”

Words seemed to be a big thing in the Goblin’s world and it only became more and more obvious. They had been used against him his whole life and, when he himself spoke carelessly, his own words killed people. He had learnt from the very first moment his quirk came in, words would take the ones he loved away forever. 

Words were something to fear.

It was a little ironic when you considered how eloquently he could use them. Though maybe it was an explanation for it. Speaking cautiously made perfect sense when you knew exactly what words could really do.

He looked back at her and her eyes were sharp again. Intensely attentive.

“He is one of the most dangerous people in the world.” She said quietly, back to that careful way that meant she was working around that NDA. “It’s his job to know how to get results and he is very good at it. He is an extremely complicated man, but generally a benevolent one. Has many different faces he can and does use to his advantage. But he’s been doing that long before he went international.” 

Katsuki nodded. That was true enough with his history.

“When his operative face comes out it’s literally fucking horrifying. Like staring down a shapeshifting wolf.” He said seriously. Her eyes narrowed a little at that.

“He said you met another operative once. It’s impressive you even recognised them.” She spoke slow and measured, eyes watchful. A hint of her own inner international face.

He folded his arms over his chest again as he thought back to that boat asshole, and then Hitoshi’s reaction to being told about it. He had been nervous. Real fucking nervous. Nervous enough to share secrets despite how cranky he was at the time. And clearly she was nervous about it too. 

Given what Katsuki now knew, all he had been permitted to see from these two somewhat tame international monsters? That wasn’t at all unwarranted fear. Sunny did say she worked with far nastier people than Hitoshi and that was a real worrying bit of information. 

“I know when someone’s dangerous. I can spot that easy enough. Hitoshi is, well. Normally I don’t see it with him. But now? Now I can’t unsee it.” He said, unfocusing his eyes as he remembered that sudden shift of Hitoshi’s person. How his face went so controlled and eyes so piercing. Clinical.

“Does it upset you?” She asked more thoughtfully.

“No. Not how you’re probably thinking at least. I have literal explosives in my sweat. I am very comfortable with dangerous stuff and being intimidated isn’t always something that freaks me out in cases like this. It upsets me because it’s not something I think he should be hiding as much as he is. It’s fucking impressive. Real fucking impressive. It’s kind of sad that he can’t trust anyone with it.” He said making her hum.

“You ever think you’d let him into your ‘go to war’ zone?” She asked more kindly.

He sighed.

“He’s already there at this point. The shit he’s put himself through for me? How can I not fucking respect him for that? I trust him. How couldn’t I?” 

She hummed again, seemingly satisfied.

“So then I come here and you ask me about relationships. You want reassurance?”

He gave her a warning look. These two strings did not need to officially cross despite how close they lay together.

“Relationships have always been a big fucking problem of mine. You’re here to help me fix my problems.” He said stoutly.

She scoffed at him.

“I’m not here to help you fix your many many problems. I’m here to help you reorientate yourself after a dramatic mental trauma. But I do take pleasure in the fact you are trusting me with this. Bakugou, you are far from a fucking idiot. Whilst emotional intimacy is difficult for you, it’s hardly something that causes you significant mental distress. You have emotional baggage, rejection sensitivity, and anxiety from your own self awareness. Do you really trust Hitoshi?” 

He grunted and looked away.

“Yeah.”

“Do you truly believe there’s a damn thing you could do to destroy him?” She added making him look back to her in surprise.

That was a good question.

He thought back to that time his international face came out and how he had retaliated soon after.

“I upset him by asking him why he was doing this for me.” He pointed out to her slowly, thinking that through.

She looked mildly intrigued.

“How did that question upset him?” She said genuinely confused.

“He got offended. Shut down all his body, went into operative mode.” 

“Why was he offended?” She asked making Katsuki frown before he grimaced.

“I mentioned Yudo.” He said quietly. Her eyes narrowed sharply at him.

“And why did you do that?” She said, not without disapproval.

“Well. Because Yudo died and Hitoshi couldn’t save him. Was the one who killed him trying to. Figured I was a second attempt.” He said awkwardly.

She sighed heavily.

“How can you be so observant and intellectually gifted and still such a complete fucking dumbass?”

He threw a cushion at her, she gave his brain one of those short warning buzzes.

“It’s a logical fucking conclusion! It ain’t like we haven’t had seriously deep discussions before!” He barked defensively.

“He’s trying to help you because he cares about you, you utter moron! Of course he was offended that you dragged his long dead asshole ex-lover into it!” She barked right fucking back at him.

“Why?! Why does he care about me?! All I’ve ever fucking done was call him names and punch him!” Katsuki snarled furiously.

She opened her mouth before she paused and squinted at him. He didn’t like how her eyes swirled.

“A person you fight a lot doing a good thing for you, and you freaking out about motives. Doesn’t that just sound familiar?” She said slowly making him recoil. “How does it make you feel?” She asked flatly.

He sighed as it hit home. He wasn’t fixated on motive just because he was confused. He was fixated on motive because of how it made him feel. Because once, another very good person always helped him, and he never understood why. Took it as an insult. Goddamn it.

“Like a piece of shit.” He mumbled.

“Elaborate.”

He forced himself to relax, took a little moment to calm his body down.

“All this time, all these years, I’ve treated him like shit. Literally chased him down to beat him up. Obviously he enjoyed it enough to encourage me and is a glutton for a good fight, I can completely understand that. But all this fucking time, there’s been more to it. And I never even cared enough to look. He’s a really good person, and I never once gave a shit.” He said quietly. “And he does all this for me anyway. I feel guilty. Undeserving.”

Sunny watched him for a while before slowly she nodded.

“Operatives do not like soft approaches. Operatives hide from gentle touches and kind words. Operatives are not like normal people.” She said, slow and careful.

Katsuki looked at her in surprise, trying to make sense of her choice of words knowing they were deliberate. A clue. He couldn’t parse it though.

She rolled her eyes at him and shook her head.

“Whilst you will happily admit that you hide your heart from others to protect yourself, you don’t make the realisation that maybe others do exactly the same thing?” She said more pointedly.

Katsuki frowned at that.

“That doesn’t change the fact I should have noticed at least something.” He said mildly ashamed of himself.

Sunny made a noise of deep frustrated aggravation.

“He- is- an- operative.” She clapped her hands at each word as she spat them at him. “He is an operative even when he’s playing at harmless little scamp like the liar he is. It doesn’t matter how smart you are, nor how observant you egotistical perfectionist idiot. Unless you had been specifically trained, you would have only ever seen what he fucking let you.” She growled at him fiercely.

Well. That was harrowing. Internationals were fucking petrifying. 

Chapter Text

Biology Textbooks

Sunny met Izuku. Katsuki knew it was coming. How could it not. Frankly the Goblin had performed a fucking miracle keeping him away for as long as he had, but Izuku was as inevitable as the eventual heat death of the universe. 

Katsuki had text him a fair bit to aid in keeping him away like the others, but, fate was fate.

All his roads eventually lead back to Izuku.

Watching the Goblin interact with Izuku was interesting though. More so than he had ever noticed before. He knew they were good friends, but it was only now Katsuki had a lot more fucking nuance to Hitoshi did he see there was a serious closeness there.

Hitoshi was still careful, still particular, but he was far less shielded, much more genuine. Hitoshi clearly trusted him which meant it was likely Izuku knew a lot more about him than most.

Katsuki hadn’t expected the harpy’s reaction though. He had walked a little closer to try and wrestle the dweeb out and spotted her expression.

She had looked at Izuku like a kid with a magnifying glass looked at ants on a sunny day. Fascinated interest and most likely malicious intent. Her own international monster face starkly on display. 

Katsuki went straight back to the door.

Izuku had ran for the hills right after. 

She also knew damn fucking well what his childhood was like. She just asked to be a bitch probably. 

The Goblin gave one of those other kinds of laugh at it all. One Katsuki had actually heard quite a lot but once again could apply nuance to. Genuine but far fucking meaner. That asshole kind of joy. Katsuki hated how it made him internally snicker despite how utterly fucked off he was with this mess.

His amusement didn’t last though.

That dumb shit Hitoshi had said was still kicking around in the back of his head, and with Izuku’s completely sincere and intense worry aimed directly at him like a million lumen torch to the fucking eyeballs, well.

He had to wonder.

What if he had misread this relationship too?

The mere idea of it was horrifying.

Izuku was a fanatical little freak who did get shy around him a few times in the past, but a lot of that was far overshadowed by their cripplingly difficult love hate relationship and trying like hell to figure out their boundaries after years of obliterating them.

Sunny also decided now was the perfect time to set about reorganising these particularly numerous, large, and heavy books.

He was so rattled by everything, he fought her every fucking step of the way.

Couldn’t even say why. Just flat out refused to play ball.

She buzzed him with her quirk twice out of sheer frustration. He flipped her off thirteen times more than that.

In the end they organised some very different books. 

But, once she left, slamming the door after calling him a very rude set of words in both Japanese and what he assumed was heavily accented English, he sat down on his floor and mentally chastised himself with his head in his hands.

Hitoshi had been playing with him when he accused them of having those kinds of feelings. He said that himself, even if he had been sneering as Katsuki shrieked at him from atop his broken table. He had only dragged Izuku into that conversation because Katsuki had upset him by misreading his motives and bringing up his dead history.

But it still made him wonder because the Goblin was next level observant and it felt like there was slightly more to his words. Those ever so subtle but definite little inflections making a point Katsuki couldn’t grasp. What fucking else was he missing?

The Goblin was apparently an easy one to miss when he was hiding. Sunny had made that very fucking clear. But Izuku?

He sighed to himself as he finally calmed down enough to realise he was being stupid. There was no fucking way there was even more bullshit to their endless drama. It would have been dragged into the open by Sunny already if there was.

The Nerd was a sneaky and surprisingly devious little shit, but he wore his heart right on his sleeve for all to see and break as they wished. He had gotten better at keeping secrets, but never from Katsuki. They were both as transparent as glass to each other.

He loved Katsuki. Was truly and earnestly devoted to him like a brother. Stitched to him through time, trauma and terror. They fought like family too. Always ready to knock each other down a peg but to also lift each other back up when they fell down.

Still, the Goblin had really fucking got to him. Impressive as always, but unusually cruel.

Hitoshi wasn’t a typically cruel person from what Katsuki could tell. He could be surprisingly vindictive and always knew how to provoke a response, but it was clear he didn’t want to cause people actual harm despite how he did it as a day job.

God. Katsuki was fucking obsessed with him. It was so fucking much. Katsuki hadn’t been this captivated by something since the first time he properly discovered his own dick. 

That had been another somewhat issue actually. The bed sharing.

In the beginning it was a means to an end. His sofa was uncomfortable as hell to sleep on and the Goblin being tired wasn’t doing anyone any favours. He had got real cranky when he was tired. Plus Hitoshi was a comfort despite his everything. He had become a solid as fuck tether to keep Katsuki grounded even when the night was endlessly dark.

That time he woke up with the Goblin strapped to his back like a giant jet pack was a real fucking moment.

First the physical pain, then the realisation of what happened, then the panic, then the way Hitoshi’s entire body tensed right behind him, his arm tightening it’s grip on him ever so slightly, but so strongly.

Katsuki had frozen, tired brain pinwheeling wildly at the entire flood of everything he was experiencing at once. But despite the rushing anxiety that felt like wadding through white water rapids, Katsuki didn’t move an inch and neither did Hitoshi. Just kept him close and stay perfectly still there with him. Unflappable and sturdy as all fuck, even though Katsuki had genuinely tried (and failed) to murder him the night before in a moment of pure crazed agony. 

That next morning had been like a fucking slap of reality that kept on coming, and it immediately challenged every single nasty thing Katsuki had ever thought of Hitoshi.

A moment of clarity in a hurricane of panic, fear, and pain.

“But it’s not me is it? It’s you. And I would. So.”

Right then and right there, Katsuki saw who Hitoshi really was. Saw unrivalled strength and bravery in a whole different way. A strength that was new to Katsuki because of the situation. Fearlessness in the face of horridly unfettered self-destructive pain. Uncharted territory for Katsuki despite his penchant for impulsively blowing everything up habitually, but experienced solidity in Hitoshi.

To stand up and fight for what was right was one thing. To put your life on the line for duty and those weaker than you was another. But to be unshakable in the face of someone you knew completely falling apart at the seams? To be perfectly composed whilst someone painfully clawed at you as they drown right in front of your eyes? 

Different. A very different kind of bravery. 

Katsuki had known Hitoshi was a lifeline back when he spilled those first horrid secrets and forced Katsuki to see the truth of what he was living through. But in that exact moment, the two of them sat at his table and Hitoshi calmly rebuffing Katsuki’s attempt to hurt him, Katsuki knew Hitoshi was going to get him through this, whether he liked it or not. And the relief he had felt from it. Selfish relief but also relief so desperately needed.

After that Katsuki didn’t care if it was embarrassing as all hell, he wanted that steel tether as close as fucking bearable during the long dark night.

But that was then. 

Now that Katsuki was feeling a bit less like an unstable bomb one more knock away from complete annihilation, his hormones had resurfaced somewhat. 

Awkward morning wood was what it was, but sharing a bed with a one hundred and ninety centimetre beast of unflappable lean muscle was really something fucking else, especially so when he put on his ‘nighttime voice’. Slow, smooth, and hypnotic. Katsuki had needed to use the bathroom to whack off three fucking times so far and always returned with his head hung in pure shame, only to find the Goblin still passed out snoring, lost to the world.

With how sharp his subconscious instincts were, Katsuki always assumed his pitiful sneak back to bed would wake him, but it became very clear that wasn’t going to be the case. Out fucking cold and every one of those impressive guards lowered.

It was real tempting to hit him for it, push those guards right back up, if only because Katsuki knew for a fact that this was rare and it said a lot of things that made him weirdly flustered and slightly panicked.

It meant the Goblin trusted him, even if that was subconsciously, though clearly it wasn’t just that.

Sometimes when Hitoshi spoke, he almost couldn’t stop himself.

Before it had been like squeezing blood from a stone. Now? Now he spoke without every word being said with careful caution. Sometimes he even got annoyed when that NDA shut him down.

Katsuki fucking loved it in a way that was alarming. Like he’d managed to befriend a wild skittish animal that could snap him in half if it wanted. That was not a feeling he was used to given who he was. Completely new. He listened to those secrets fully fucking enraptured like a kid at story time.

Every twisted scary terrible word.

The most interesting, most fucked up, most mind-blowing shit, all spoken with that casual nonchalance or flat, blunt, and sometimes dark humour.

Then there was that fucking wolf under it all. Since Katsuki was feeling a bit better he could look back at that first proper and dramatic reveal of Hitoshi’s inner monster very differently.

Katsuki was fucking strong. His body was pure muscle and it wasn’t just for show. He was built like a brick shithouse and could kick the crap out of almost anyone, even with a set of hairline fractures and no quirk.

But the Goblin fucking immobilised him. Decided he’d had enough of playing around and pinned Katsuki right against the wall with no way out. He’d already kicked down doors, broken into his neighbours apartment like it was nothing, climbed around his building despite being on the thirty fucking second floor, had roughed him up just enough to make it damn clear he wasn’t messing around. It was a whole fucking lot to look at it from here. 

Katsuki knew Hitoshi was strong, they’d fought enough times for him to be very aware that the Goblin was every bit the lethal weapon that Katsuki was himself. But that sheer strength combined with how intense and dangerous his face went?

Well.

It made something inside him very fucking uncomfortable and, like he had realised before, that was absolutely not in the way he initially thought it was. It made his insides squirm.

Hitoshi had spoken deep, slow and utterly hazardous. At the time, Katsuki had been scared into tears. Now he was feeling a bit more like himself, he desperately wanted to see it again, but in a very different context.

Katsuki had to stop thinking about it or he’d need another moment to whack off.

Ob-fucking-sessed.

Frankly it was a mystery how the Goblin hadn’t noticed his interest with how he spotted everything else.

Then again, maybe that wasn’t the case, far more that he didn’t care.

Katsuki didn’t think so though.

Hitoshi definitely clocked Katsuki getting very distracted by his ass, but he had just smirked and did his bad boy smoky voice until Katsuki fled from the bathroom like a bashful school girl. 

He was gay too. Gay enough to get offended that Katsuki hadn’t known.

Urgh. Katsuki had to find a way to get into his pants, even if it was just a one time deal. He wasn’t ever going to be able to leave this alone. The relationship thing was a problem, and Katsuki did not want to hurt him after all he’d done for him, but sex? That seemed plausible if they could speak openly about ground rules and, given how well they’d managed to navigate difficult subjects so far, that hardly seemed like an impossibility. He couldn’t be the only one who felt that heat between them as they got closer. 

The Goblin hardly seemed like a secret romantic soul despite his use of poetic words, especially not considering his violent dead past. 

Surely if Katsuki could phrase it well enough, explain a bit about his thought processes and how he sees relationships, they could figure it out as a team. They made a damn good team.

Anthologies and Short Stories

The Goblin was so fucking funny. It was infuriating and exciting in equal measure. 

He’d be inanimate and zombie-like, stuck to his phone or just zoned off somewhere far away, then Katsuki would throw something at him and he’d giggle like a child and retaliate with verbal pot-shots.

It was Katsuki’s newest favourite game.

It didn’t matter how big or sharp the item he threw at the Goblin was, he’d dodge it like he had a secondary quirk and would come out with the most ridiculous quips in response.

Katsuki was getting real fucking fond of it all. 

He’d left the sex idea alone since they last spoke proper. Apparently the Goblin was a secret romantic after all. The way he talked about his dead ex-boyfriend was quite something. It spoke of a lot of emotional intensity that Katsuki wasn’t sure he could ever match. Wasn’t sure that he would ever want to either. That ‘ride or die as the world burnt’ kind of love. 

Destructive love.

Laughing with arms raised up high like you were on a rollercoaster as the car you were strapped into veered right off a fucking bridge. Grinning big and carefree whilst knowing perfectly well that you’d die from your decided driver’s stupid fucking choices, but completely lost to the thrill of speeding wildly off the rails and the manic joy of not being alone whilst doing so. 

Taking control by wilfully losing it.

Death wasn’t something to fear when you knew damn well it was coming right for you at any moment and were already shocked you’d made it as far as you had. Having the opportunity to face that certainty with someone else strapped to your side must have been comforting in a way Katsuki doubted he could ever really understand, even with his own close calls with that final finish line.

Complicated, deep, and so fucking emotive. 

Scary.

Another thing Hitoshi spoke about with a serene if not slightly sad smile despite how horrifying the words.

He was really fucking something.

Katsuki could ride or die. He could do some real damn foolish things for the people he loved. But he also liked to be in bed by half ten, eleven latest, and wasn’t a big fan of spontaneity. Yet another case of one extreme to the other. A homebody despite all his energetic traits and impulsiveness. Feet firmly rooted in what he knew despite very much liking new things.

Then the conversation tumbled into drugs and fucking hell was the Goblin ever such a piece of shit. Extremes of Hitoshi’s very own.

The thing was, as much as Katsuki hated drugs, the way Hitoshi talked about all these things didn’t do anything but make Katsuki want to hear more.

He had this stark open honesty about him that was rare as hell. Upfront and blunt. Completely unconcerned about saying something that might make Katsuki think less of him. His cards lay out for Katsuki to see all he wished. He had said that was what he liked about his dead past, and it would seem a part of him had made that his own, though, again, only with Katsuki. And Sunny too he supposed. Though that was clearly a very unique relationship in itself. Hitoshi called her a bitch and everything else, but there was this gentle though firm respect he had for her. A genuine fondness despite how fucking difficult they must find each other. Katsuki could understand that easy enough. He didn’t entirely hate her despite her complete bitch personality. She was another kind of blunt straight shooter and whilst being hit by those bullets hurt, you had to respect her skilled marksmanship.

Regardless, being allowed to see those Goblin cards made Katsuki feel fucking special. And he very much liked feeling special, even if he had to listen to this catastrophic mess describe what a K-hole felt like.

Honestly? The landfill thing was still wrong in his personal opinion, but it wasn’t entirely wrong. Black and white thinking was apparently a problem of his so he conceded that sure, maybe parts of this Goblin were a heap of garbage, but there was real gold in that landfill. 

If Katsuki could choose, he’d say Hitoshi was like an antique shop. Stuffed full of dusty dirty old trash sure, but to the right person, he would be worth a whole fucking lot.

Also, there had been one moment. A very brief side eye from him that Katsuki had caught.

Katsuki had just asked what his type of partner was, still trying to find an in to maybe bring up a way of introducing sex, and Hitoshi had paused and gave him that micro-glance. 

An ‘uh oh’ voiced by a momentary flick of his eyes whilst his guards were down.

And that could mean a lot of things.

Katsuki liked him. A lot. A hell of a lot more than he ever expected himself to. The Goblin had grown on him like a fucking virus. He hadn’t ever had his opinion of anyone change so dramatically and so rapidly. Not ever. He had tried to play it cool, tried to tread careful for once in his fucking life. This situation was precarious, but he really wouldn’t mind if it got a little more so. Wouldn’t mind if instead of slow hypnotic counting, Hitoshi sent Katsuki off to sleep in a far more orgasmic way.

But that ‘uh oh’? That meant maybe he was very aware and that it also wasn’t an option.

That tiny ‘uh oh’ also made Katsuki rethink it from Hitoshi’s perspective.

Katsuki wasn’t exactly at his fucking best here. If their roles had been reversed and the Goblin threw himself at him? That’d be a firm no. Not with how fragile he was.

So. Sex was shelved. For now at least.

The fighting and teasing however? That was fair fucking game.

Now Katsuki’s library was slightly less chaotic, he had a bit more energy to him and he used it to his advantage.

Had even got into a light spar with the Goblin before he had to stop incase he upset his ribs again. Hitoshi welcomed all of it. Would shove him, goad him, poke fun. Katsuki really enjoyed it. 

Then he noticed it was all reactionary.

Katsuki had lay beside him in the dark, desperately trying to will his boner away as Hitoshi sleepily went through his shut down routine, when he made that realisation.

It was always Katsuki engaging first. 

If he didn’t give the Goblin attention, then he was mostly left alone. 

He had initially been really self conscious about that. Almost blew up at him right there in bed despite the Goblin clearly being almost out cold as usual. The idea that he had been playing with another one of Hitoshi’s fake layers was unsettling in an offensive way. But then he thought back to how Hitoshi had laughed barely an hour before, white pupil eyes big, excited and genuine. 

Katsuki had realised that no, that wasn’t it at all.

This wasn’t just Hitoshi enabling him or entertaining him for the sake of objective. He was simply letting Katsuki pick the way forward. Letting Katsuki take the lead. Letting Katsuki decide how much of the Goblin’s attention he wanted. Existing in his space whilst not being intrusive.

That was not an easy thing to do in a relatively spacious but one bedroom apartment.

Another little sign of how easily he could blend into and adapt to his surroundings. Then again, he was a care system kid. Sunny did say he had been using those operative skills long before he went international. It seemed to bleed into everything he did.

It was also quite unnerving to think of just how much he did seem to work well with Katsuki. Most the people he knew and loved could not spend this much time alone with him without losing their cool in one way or another. Frustrated by his hair trigger temper, inability to compromise, and his flat out blunt rudeness.

But Hitoshi? Katsuki could unleash a flat out torrent of fucking abuse at him and he’d just giggle like a joyful child and push for more of it, seemingly thrilled by the show.

Unafraid. Unfazed. Unflinching.

He was incapable of fearing Katsuki at fucking all, even when he should, and Katsuki hadn’t ever experienced that before. Ever. 

“Do you truly believe there’s a damn thing you could do to destroy him?”

God he hoped not. He really fucking liked him.

Apocalyptic Thrillers

Katsuki didn’t know what he was fucking thinking. Hindsight was one hell of a fucking bitch.

When Glasses had text him about meeting up to discuss his hearing, he had obviously been nervous about it. Real fucking nervous.

Ever since Hitoshi said to leave it alone, he had done so. Apparently no one was dead and as terrifying as the idea of Hitoshi being involved in something like this was, he did trust that Tenya could handle it. 

When Glasses turned up just after Sunny left, exactly on time but with the Nerd in tow? Well.

Those nerves frayed all fucking over.

The Nerd was a dangerous little shit only brought into official business when someone needed to fucking die, in a moral sense as opposed to literal.

Izuku had an actual heart of gold. But he also tore down people up to no good with a ruthlessness that was brutal enough for Katsuki to take great pleasure in it.

Not in this fucking case. Because in this case he was the one who had done wrong.

“Kacchan, it’s alright. We just need to update you on some developments.” The little shit had said with soft kind sympathetic eyes that meant he knew every damn thing. Inevitable, like the eventual explosion of the sun.

Katsuki turned about face and stomped into his living room, not trusting his legs to hold him up long enough to make everyone tea.

Then out came the truth.

At least, what they thought was the truth.

Glasses spoke as measured and business-like as usual. Explained the entire hearing had been dismissed because one of the men in charge of overseeing it had been involved in a whole lot of nasty shit.

Really fucking nasty shit.

Hiding official complaints against officers who had gone way too far during criminal apprehension.

Falsifying and destroying evidence. 

Blackmail.

Bribing others, taking bribes himself.

All that top tier crooked asshole bullfuckery.

And he had been setting Katsuki up to take a very big fall. Been tampering with his personnel files to make it look like Katsuki had done a lot more bad shit than he really had.

He wanted to make it seem that he was a good law abiding man that would absolutely punish those who worked in the force that took shit too far. He also wanted to send a message to those who did know he was up to no good. Make it clear that no one was untouchable from him. Not even if they were a top ranked officer with a long history of outstanding performance.

Tenya had explained it all, gentle and sincere but Katsuki’s head just kept spinning the words ‘operative’ and ‘objective’ around.

Then Tenya awkwardly admitted Hitoshi’s involvement.

“When I asked for his help, I genuinely just wanted him to perhaps find a person of interest I could question. Maybe use his skills to give me a solid direction to start my investigation in.” He said looking mildly haunted. “I certainly did not expect him to basically do half the investigation for me. I obviously can’t confirm it was him that dropped off all that evidence, but it became clear when I checked the validity of that gifted information it was exactly what I needed to shut that man down.”

At that Katsuki’s brain began a full scale fucking meltdown.

Because Hitoshi once told him with a straight deadly face that an operative would do whatever the hell it took to meet their objective regardless of legality. He even said that an operative would outright kill for their goal without hesitation.

Because Hitoshi once told him, completely seriously, that he was an operative that chose to kill people himself in a vague hope of increasing that person’s survival rate, even if it was near zero, and only a fucking psychopath would ever do that.

Because Hitoshi had consistently and freely admitted that he had made some real damn questionable decisions whilst shooting his way through the world to save it, high off his face on whatever damn poison his crazy fucking ex had got him into.

Because Hitoshi once very uncharacteristically shouted at him, entire body tensed and knuckles white from the grip he had on his chair, absolutely fucking furious at the fact Katsuki was having a hearing at all.

Because Shinso Hitoshi was one of the most dangerous operatives in the entire world and his objective was to see Katsuki through this, and Katsuki didn’t know just how far he would go to achieve that.

From there Katsuki spiralled into silent but flat out hysteria.

He had managed to ask two questions.

One. 

“Why has the hearing been dismissed instead of postponed?”

Tenya gently told him that after a small but formal investigation, it was very obvious that there really wasn’t anything Katsuki could have done better in that circumstance and putting him through the stress of a hearing was deemed unnecessary.

Izuku had actually patted his hand at that and Katsuki immediately punched him in the arm as hard as he could.

Two. 

“Are you completely sure that evidence is legit?”

At that Izuku’s eyes went very intense but Glasses had just nodded gravely.

“Given it was dropped off anonymously, everything was very carefully scrutinised. It was unfortunately all very legitimate.” 

After that, Katsuki just let them talk about next steps and everything else, far too preoccupied with the idea of just how in the fuck Hitoshi had managed to orchestrate something so convoluted in such a short time.

It was right fucking then that he should have realised how fucking stupid he was being. Right then that he should have realised that he was catastrophically blowing this way out of proportion. Right in that fucking moment he should have done what Sunny always reminded him and took a second to check in with his body to recognise the panic response and get himself back under control. To get out that fucking list and really consider what was actually happening.

But he didn’t. 

He did the exact opposite. 

He let his anxieties based off assumptions snowball. Let those speculative thoughts concluded from information unrelated to this incident build unstoppable momentum until it all looked like fact.

“Why in the hell did he get involved?” He had whispered to Izuku who was watching him very carefully.

“Because he cares about you Kacchan. Why wouldn’t he get involved?” The little idiot said frowning.

Why wouldn’t he?

Katsuki heaved out a noise of distress and asked them both to leave.

They clearly didn’t want to, but he was pretty insistent.

Then Hitoshi turned up.

“Oh, party.” He said, surprised and with that light joking casual demeanour.

A shield.

A lie.

“He is an operative even when he’s playing at harmless little scamp like the liar he is.”

Katsuki’s mountain sized anxiety snowball burst into flaming rage.

And it all went to complete shit from there.

The way Hitoshi looked at him when he spat out that accusation. Shock and a brief show of genuine upset anger. But as Katsuki continued, throwing out words he damn well knew would hurt, quickly it all changed and out came that fucking operative. 

Cold, collected, focused.

Hitoshi started packing up his shit, right then and there, methodical and precise. He knew where every single one of this things were, even if they were in the hamper or tucked away somewhere seemingly random. Every single item was retrieved and put in place in his suitcase so it tessellated perfect and neat. An action he had clearly done a thousand times before and performed with the casual efficiency of near infinite repetition.

Then Hitoshi turned on him. No warning, no hesitation, and a cold face of intent. That fucking shapeshifting wolf rushed Katsuki who was already deep into panicked shrieking but backed off as soon as Katsuki’s quirk activated in response. 

His quirk.

It was all so much. Too much.

Katsuki was shouting, lost to his own fear, panic, confusion and terrified relief of having his quirk back so he could finally defend himself.

There was a sudden crack in the monster face as Hitoshi finally addressed his shouted questions.

He still spoke completely calmly and measured, words back to being very carefully chosen and purposeful, but his eyes. They were so gentle and so very hurt.

When he saw it, Katsuki finally realised his fucking mistake.

Because yes, Hitoshi had said all those horrible truths. Hitoshi was an operative. Was a terribly dangerous man capable of doing such fucking awful things.

But he was also Hitoshi.

The idiot who could barely cook an egg and giggled like a moron whenever Katsuki shouted at him. Who could speak multiple languages including sign and could sing like a fucking professional whilst pilfering Katsuki’s Tupperware of leftover fried pork. The endless book of stories that actually struggled to stop sharing about himself when finally comfortable enough to do so.

The man who got upset when Katsuki accused him of helping for a reason beyond simply giving a shit. The man who cared like antiseptic and helped force all Katsuki’s innards back where they belonged despite how he spat and hissed and kicked at him.

The man who had spent all this time helping him without any want for anything in return at all. Who loved fighting him and trusted him and shared all his terrible secrets with him. Who would never frame a man and destroy their life simply because he wanted to help Katsuki back onto his feet.

Katsuki had tried to backtrack. Tried to get control of the situation. Had desperately tried to hold himself in check despite how he wanted to scream and cry.

Hitoshi had just smiled at it. 

Another genuine one. 

A smile so warm and fond that it hurt so fucking much because even now, after Katsuki had hit him where it hurt the fucking most, he still cared. 

Then came the sting of that antiseptic care.

One last retaliation for the pain, spoke so soft and deep.

“I guess I lied about that too.”

Hitoshi was now the man Katsuki had lost all that carefully earned trust of.

He made the man who refused to leave, no matter how Katsuki howled, walk right out his door without a look back.

Katsuki collapsed in his hallway and cried.

Biography and True Stories

Sunny was abso-fucking-lutely furious with him. Katsuki didn’t care. Now he was done with crying, he was plenty fucking furious himself.

Hitoshi had left.

Had packed himself up and just fucked right off like a goddamn coward.

After everything! Everything!

When Sunny had buzzed his intercom he had ignored it, but clearly someone let her into the building because ten minutes later there was a lot of hard knocks on his front door. He ripped it open and she had scowled up at him like a fucking snake.

“Fuck off. I don’t need your fucking help either.” He had snarled before trying to slam it.

Apparently that wasn’t going to stop her.

She stuck her boot in the doorway to prevent it closing and shoved it right back open onto his face. He stumbled back holding his nose before he roared and went to wrestle her out.

Of course that didn’t happen.

She quirked him hard onto his ass on the floor and stomped right past, not even removing her shoes as she headed in.

He crackled his palms in rage and exploded back to his feet to chase after her.

“I said-…!”

“I know what you said you stupid overgrown Chihuahua. Bad dog.” She said short and sharp before she pulled a chair out from under the table, plopping herself into it.

“I don’t need you! I don’t need your fucking help! I don’t need you or Hitoshi or anyone else!” He thundered, hands crackling big and loud as he snarled at her. “Why’d you even come here?! You don’t care! Why the fuck would you?! You’re just some arrogant mean little witch who gets off on cutting people down when they’re at their lowest like some sort of fucked up sadist bitch!”

She didn’t even flinch, just watched him with that mildly displeased face.

He stormed over, slamming both his hands down on the table and leant in close, teeth bared at her like an animal.

She didn’t use her quirk on him for it and remained perfectly still and unperturbed despite her disapproval.

He hesitated, momentarily paused by her lack of reaction.

Sunny kept his gaze, unflinching and sharp as those eyes remained a strange muddy green colour, round, normal and static.

He leant back from her a little.

“Still not mastered that emotional regulation strategy then?” She finally said simply.

He took in a long slow breath.

“Why are you even here?” He asked more firmly.

“Why do you think I’m here?” She replied flatly.

Katsuki huffed moving to loudly yank his other dinning chair out with a screech and sitting into it.

“Because you owe Hitoshi a favour.” He growled at her. Her eyebrows rose at that, then she started laughing, loud and mocking.

“Is that what he told you?” She said with a genuine sneer, all teeth and harpy danger.

Katsuki’s mind stalled at it.

Liar.

He was a liar.

“It is.” He said careful and watchful. She let out a bitter little scoff and shook her head, a look of genuine disgust on her face.

“That fucking man.” She said before looking back at Katsuki. “He owes me.” She said sharp and vicious.

Katsuki fidgeted a little unnerved.

“And I’m not the only one he now owes a favour to because of all this. You have no fucking idea and I suppose I can’t really blame you. Not with the lengths he’s gone to keep you in the dark.”

Katsuki swallowed, not much liking the sound of that.

“What do you mean?”

“What? You thought he could personally collect all that evidence for your case as well as babysit your self-destructing ass at the same time? I mean he is good, but he’s not that good.”

“Who-…”

“No. I can’t say anything more about it without my NDA being enforced. I agreed to come here at his request because now he owes me and it’s always worth having leverage over that deceptive lanky weasel. Even if it’s purely so I can force him to slow the fuck down before he gets himself killed. Regardless, I did agree to come here and we still have work to do.”

Katsuki held her gaze for a moment, a storm in his body. Then he got up and went to his cabinet to grab his emotion list before slapping it onto the table between them.

She didn’t speak, but raised an eyebrow.

He looked at it.

“I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m upset. I’m sad. I feel guilty and shitty and I fucking-…” He heaved in a long slow breath.

She still didn’t speak. Just kept watching him.

“Why didn’t he stay? Why didn’t he just punch me in the face so we could figure this out? After everything? We could have figured it out.” He said jaw clenching at all that anger boiling under his skin.

“Why should he have stayed?” She said primly.

Katsuki opened his mouth about to bark at her but paused and looked back to his list.

He was real fucking angry. 

But he was more guilty. Ashamed.

He was angry because he felt vulnerable and scared.

“It would have been better to face the argument.” He managed to say.

“Maybe. But I think that’s also a very entitled opinion. You had just hit him where it hurt most, you don’t get to decide how he handles that pain. Him staying may have resolved the argument faster, but it may have just provided you more opportunities to continue to hurt him. Staying was what was best for you. Do you not think that’s a selfish request?”

He scowled at her.

“You ain’t making this easy.” He growled sharply.

“No. I’m absolutely not going to pacify your little angry boy tantrum. You did exactly what I always warned you of and bit the wrong fucking person Bakugou. And honestly, all these painful feelings you’re once again turning into anger are your own damn fault. You aren’t the only one who has a bad reaction to being vulnerable. He left because you hurt him. People tend to not want to stick around when someone intentionally hurts them.”

Katsuki looked away, teeth grit hard and body shaking at the rush of sheer fury he felt. Tears started to prick his eyes and he looked back at that list.

Shame. Regret. Guilt. Fear.

He swallowed thickly.

“So what do I do?” He asked, voice shaking at how hard he was trying to control it.

“Nothing.” She said making him look back at her. “You and I wrap this up, and he comes with me back to work. I’ve got a lot to organise in that landfill.” 

Katsuki heaved out a little breath before shaking his head.

“I need to apologise.” He said making her tut at him.

“No. Not yet at least. He needs space and he needs time. Pushing him now will only result in him running harder and faster. He is about to go back to work and I need to get him into the right headspace so he doesn’t fucking die out there. Next time he’s on R&R, you can confront him again. But between now and then you have a damn fucking lot of work to do.” She said serious and firm.

He grunted.

“What’s the point? Clearly it ain’t going to change a thing.” He muttered.

Her face remained perfectly composed but she made a short noise of intense disapproval.

“It’s time we went through the actual trauma that brought me here. Your library is much more organised so processing it should be far easier. Do you agree?” She said, formal and collected.

Katsuki sighed.

“You have today and tomorrow. I strongly suggest we use that time wisely.” She pressed a little more firmly. Katsuki wanted to argue with her some more, but as those eyes began swirling at him he knew not to bother. 

They talked through his latest trauma at length to get it neatly organised. It was hard, but he could really feel the difference. Back at the start of all this he could barely mention it without wanting to puke or burst into tears. Now he could be more factual, more accepting of the whole fucking nightmare. Could experience the complicated emotional responses to it without feeling like he was going to tear in half. 

Sunny seemed satisfied and they moved onto a few more hard to handle books. Heavy ones that were connected to a lot of others which made them difficult to place, like his self esteem and insecurity books. 

Through it all she kept him as far away from anything related to Hitoshi as possible. She spoke calm and placid, never making one of those harsh taunts or anything. Completely robotically clinical.

Katsuki hurt at it, actually missing their usual sharp back and forth.

But, as they finished up for the day and he felt weirdly calm through his own tiredness, those ever shifting eyes watching him went steely.

“I have some things to say and I want you to focus long enough to hear it.” She said as she stood back to her feet. Katsuki had been through enough chewing outs in his life to know he was about to be hit hard.

Sunny was one hundred and fifty two centimetres of tiny stewing rage, now barely hidden despite how impersonal she had been all day.

He just nodded at her, a strange kind of acceptance washing over him. 

“You are a very intelligent man, with sometimes crippling anxiety, intense rejection sensitivity, a perfectionism streak that is frankly horrifyingly destructive, and are possibly neurodivergent in some way, though receiving an actual diagnosis would be very tricky given that aforementioned anxiety and how well you compensate for anything you find difficult.” 

He gawked at her.

“What?!”

“You push everyone away because you are terrified of your own perceived failure. You use anger as a shield that you refuse to take steps to control in order to maintain the illusion of your own emotional safety. You keep your ability to love as far out of reach as possible incase someone makes fun of you for it. You are an insecure, spiteful, sometimes cruel man child, frequently crushed under the weight of your own fucking ego. You are very fucking far from perfection, which you are aware of, hence why that perfectionism hurts you so much.”

“Fucking neurodivergent?! Fuck you!” He snarled.

“Of course that’s what you’d hone in on out of all of that.” She said shrewdly.

He went to stand, outraged, but she used her quirk on him and he hissed as he stay still to stop it.

“Oh no. You are gonna sit there and listen to me you little Shitlord. This may be painful but it needs to be said and you need to hear it even fucking more.” She said sharply. 

He growled at her but remained rooted to the chair.

“You have big, fucking, problems. I don’t judge my patients. I insult them yes, but the world is made of all sorts and I don’t really care enough to concern myself over the sins of the individual. That’s not and has never been my prerogative. But when your anxiety issues cause you to lash out at the one damn person strong enough to handle you at your very worst, then maybe it’s time you sat the fuck down with someone and worked that shit out. Because you are going to die a very bitter lonely old man if you keep walking down this road.”

He swallowed thickly before he let out a shaky breath, completely unsettled by her resolute severity.

“I didn’t mean to hurt him. I-…”

“Killing that child was an accident. What you said to Hitoshi was not.” She said sharply making him flinch. “You may have been catastrophising but you should have enough practice in recognising the signs to at least slow down enough to apply your coping strategies. Being a bit fucked up is a reason for poor behaviour, but it is not an excuse. Words cause damage Bakugou. Once they’re out, they don’t ever go away. If Hitoshi has taught you anything it should be that, though I dare say you should already be well aware of it with your history.” She said, blunt and fucking brutal as hell.

He looked at her, horrified. She didn’t even blink as she stared at him, locked on and utterly fucking deadly.

“You have reams of great qualities. You truly do. But you are also badly flawed in a lot of ways. Horribly flawed in how you treat and behave toward others. You are also very aware of that, and yet, you’ve never put the real work in to address it because you’re scared you’ll fail. Earlier you said, what’s the point in trying if it won’t change anything? That’s fucking bullshit. I’ve watched you put backbreaking perseverance into getting your head back together and that has already changed a lot of things. Being scared of failure is no fucking excuse for someone like you. It’s not easy, I won’t deny that, but it is doable.” 

She lifted her chin up and looked down her nose at him, eyes narrowed as they swirled faster.

“The people you surround yourself with enable you because they can see all those great qualities and they know that, most of the time, you are a genuinely good and kind soul. But they have all done you a terrible disservice in dismissing your little ‘Bakugou-isms’ to spare you introspective pain.” She continued clear and calm. Measured and precise just like an operative. A woman who spent her time with all kinds of monsters and knew how to think and speak like they do.

He looked away, unable to meet her eyes with how damn fucking inspected he felt. She wasn’t lying like an operative though. He knew that much.

She got up and walked right over to him, leaning down close to his face so he had to look at her, completely unafraid despite knowing he had his quirk back and could probably hurt her if he really wanted to. An unshakable international just like Hitoshi. Brutal honesty that stung like the strongest antiseptic.

“Therapy cannot ‘fix’ you. You have to use therapy to do that yourself. Now I actually like you. You’re smart, funny, and have interesting views on the world. I like your mind and I like that you have such beauty in those dark depths you hide among to protect yourself. You are flawed, but you are also far from a lost cause. No one ever is. Not if they’re willing to put in the effort. Despite how close you came to destruction you have proven you can very much do the hard work that needs doing. You are a fighter in every sense of the term and I won’t be giving up on you. I will continue to work with you, give you advice if you want it, check in to help steer you via video calls and the like. But a lot of this work needs to be done by you alone. You need to sit the hell down with yourself and take a long fucking moment to really work through this library and clear out a lot of very problematic books you no longer need. It’s going to be a long and slow process, but I have every faith you will manage it if you can pull your head out of your ass and accept that change has to happen.”

He held her swirling eyes and nodded slowly, just once.

Then they suddenly went star shaped and pure black, and he felt his skin prickle with a strange kind of instinctive threat he usually only felt in battle.

“You lash out at everyone who makes you feel even remotely vulnerable, even when they would never harm you. Start there. That’s by far your biggest flaw. And know this Bakugou Katsuki. If you hurt Hitoshi like that again, I don’t care that he’d burn down the entire world, I will make you fucking regret it. Do you understand?” She spoke it calmly, but deep and low.

He inhaled a little shocked gasp, horrified.

“You disappointed me. Badly. But you also hurt him. That is extremely difficult to do these days. He built that shield you referenced very carefully and no one ever gets through it for this exact reason. ‘A pane of cracked glass’ you once said? Well he let you in and you fucking punched it. You do that again, your own guilt will be the least of your problems. I may be a small inoffensive looking woman, but I am also an international agent. This crisis will feel like a walk in the park compared to how I will tear your library down, book by book.”

Katsuki stared, utterly dumbfounded at being scared shitless by a tiny woman wearing a fluffy jumper with a cute little puppy on it, but also knowing damn fucking well she meant that threat and could very much back it up.

She let those black eyes wander all over him before she drew back to stand up straight, iris’s finally shifting again back to brown then to red and gold.

“He will forgive you. He knows you are in a bad place and he knows that you’re a troubled asshole, so he shouldn’t take words said in fear too personally no matter how they hurt. But he won’t ever believe you actually care for him without you making him, and that’s going to take a few attempts because he is just as thickheaded as you. When he comes back here, which he eventually will, you make it clear to him that you said what you did because of your own bullshit and not because you actually believed it. You make him understand that you do actually care for him, very much in fact, and you also make it clear you will not make that mistake again. And you better be able to back that up. Do the work you desperately need to get yourself in a place where you stop lashing out at anyone who scares you. Being scared is normal and it is healthy. Stop biting everyone like the pathetically terrified little yappy dog you are.”

And with that, she turned around, moving to grab up her bag.

“There is still untapped greatness in you. You’re never going to be a gentle soul, but you do have an enormous capacity for love that you’ve refused to let reach it’s true potential. It’s long past the time where you learnt how to stop sabotaging yourself by blowing up everything you care for and actually figured out your shit. Get an actual therapist. Shop around for one at least, it’s going to take a while to find someone that works for you. I know Japan has a shit fucking view on therapy, but I’m very sure at least half of your friends desperately need it. So lead the way for them too.” 

She turned back to him again, focused and serious.

“Things like this change us. For better or worse. You would have learnt a fucking lot about yourself in all this. Use that knowledge to build a better library. The old one is gone, but that can actually become a really freeing thing. You are more than capable of maximising on this as an opportunity for personal growth. Start with Midoriya. He always seems to help you realise your potential even if it’s done painfully.”

He felt a strange buzz of motivation at her words and swallowed at the anxious energy it caused.

“Alright Sunny. I’ve heard you. One more session tomorrow, then it’s down to me.” He agreed quietly. She nodded.

“Good. Until tomorrow.” And with that she left.

Internationals were next fucking level horrifying.

Quick Guides - For Dummies

Izuku was upset when he inevitably found out Hitoshi had left Japan with Sunny. Very upset. He cried a little because of course he did. Katsuki got angry and defensive over it because of course he did. The both of them were very shittily predictable like that.

“He was the one who left! If he hadn’t just fucked off like a coward maybe we coulda worked it out!” Katsuki snarled.

Izuku’s watery eyes sharpened on him with that death via justice kind of madness.

“That’s the thing Kacchan. The Hitoshi I know wouldn’t run from a thing, least of all you, not unless he was very badly hurt. Whatever you said must have been extremely mean.” He said stern and annoyed despite his tearful face.

Katsuki grit his teeth at him, but didn’t argue. He wasn’t wrong.

“I wanted to apologise but-…”

“What did you say?” Izuku interrupted.

Katsuki snapped his mouth shut.

It didn’t matter, Izuku was the all seeing eye in Katsuki’s world.

“You went at him for getting involved in your case. You started freaking out as soon as we told you he got involved.” Izuku said, aggrieved.

Katsuki grunted.

“He’s dangerous. It’s not exactly inconceivable that-…” He began quietly.

“He is Hitoshi!” Izuku exploded at him furiously, arms flying up and waving around. “Yes he is an international and yes he has the potential to do very questionable things! But everything he does is done with good intentions or love! Especially for you!”

“Hah?! He spends all his damn time pissing me off! He’s an irritating snide goblin!” Katsuki exploded right back like a defensive little liar. God Sunny was so right about him.

Izuku’s lips pursed and his face paled in genuine outrage, physically vibrating from it.

“Are you fucking serious right now?” He said, low and deep in that voice no one else ever got to hear. 

His ‘Katsuki only’ voice. His ‘I love you so damn much but this may very well become a murder-suicide’ voice. No one else got that.

The thing about the Shitnerd was, whilst he was still every bit the sweet little happy sunshine boy everyone knew him as, he and Katsuki had had some truly blistering arguments in their time and, when alone, this unhinged beast would sometimes appear.

And no one ever believed him because they’d never even seen a hint of it.

Only Katsuki got this Izuku.

Izuku once said that he tried to channel Katsuki into himself when in a tough fight. Emulated Katsuki’s mannerisms because he saw it as his image of victory. 

That was still true, but now they were older? It had evolved into what Katsuki was now dealing with. A curse wielding demon in a body of chaos, grit, and violently enacted morals. Izuku’s very own operative mode.

Katsuki pushed Izuku to his fucking limits and when he did, this monster of Katsuki’s making would emerge. And just like Hitoshi said, Katsuki was always scared this particular monster would turn on him like all monster makers always are.

Katsuki paused, more than aware this shitbox was only one tiny nudge away from becoming an all out brawl. One Izuku would force him to lose despite having his quirk back.

“Look, he isn’t who I expected him to be at all, and I will admit I misjudged him a hell of a damn lot. But-…”

Izuku inhaled a big heavy breath and let it out slow and smooth.

“Okay. I’m going to say something and then I’m going to leave before we end up punching each other. But before I do I want you to promise me something.” He said serious and measured.

Katsuki sighed but nodded.

“No. I want you to promise me.” He said far more sharply.

Katsuki grunted but lifted up his hand, his pinky finger out.

Izuku’s face softened at it into a kind of helpless adoration and sadness but he reached out and entwined their fingers together tight and firm.

“I want you to keep going to therapy.” He said so gently.

Katsuki figured. That wasn’t much of an ask given everything.

“Yeah. That was the plan anyway. That fucking lunatic Hitoshi had me talking to pointed out some real fucking harsh truths that I really need to handle.” He said quiet and honest. “Also, whilst you haven’t had a mental breakdown and completely lost your fucking mind like I have, it’s something you might wanna consider doing too. There was a whole lot of fucking shit she unearthed regarding our entire fucked up history. I can’t be the only one that’s been weighing down.”

He looked at their hooked fingers and couldn’t help but smile sadly at how Izuku shook them to seal their fate.

“That’s a deal and a pinky promise.” He agreed quietly. “Okay. You might want to sit down for this.” Izuku said making Katsuki sigh.

He did as asked though, slumping onto his sofa.

“Hitoshi came here and pulled you through this terrible mess because not only is he a genuinely good and kind person, but he is also hopelessly in love with you Kacchan.”

Katsuki felt his heart drop right out of his ass and throat go desert dry.

“What?”

“I’m telling you this because, despite what Hitoshi will do to me when he finds out, I think it’s something your stupid thick head really needs to know moving forward. If you can spend all this time living with him and still not notice how devoted to you he is, then maybe you really need to have a long hard look in the mirror. When people shoulder this kind of burden with you, they do it because you mean so much to them they don’t really have a choice, nor do they want one. Because as painful as it is, they desperately want you to heal and are willing to do whatever it takes to get you there. Hitoshi cares and he cares deeply. You being too self involved to notice is a special kind of tragic frustration that makes me want to actually skin you alive.”

“No. How can you possibly-…” Katsuki began hotly, back to defensive.

Izuku whipped his crooked index finger at him with a silent ‘shut your mouth’ warning that was always worth listening to.

“This isn’t a debate. I know how he feels about you and he didn’t even bother to try and deny it when I brought it up.” He said stout and stern. “Once, Hitoshi and I were having tea when he was home for a break and you text him an entire string of curses and middle finger gifs because he beat you during one of your fights. He still had a missing front tooth but he melted into his seat like a lovesick teenager made of butter. It was horrifying.” 

Izuku shook his head to himself.

“He loves you. Probably has for a good while. I don’t know why he spends his limited time at home driving you crazy despite his feelings, but I gave up at trying to understand Toshi a very long time ago.” 

“Operatives do not like soft approaches. Operatives hide from gentle touches and kind words. Operatives are not like normal people.”

She had been trying to tell him that all that fighting, all those snide remarks, all the taunting and goading and unbearable incessant inciting. All of it. It had been Hitoshi’s fucked up operative heart wanting attention the only way he knew how to receive it. He didn’t want soft kind words or any of that gooey shit. He was an operative. He wasn’t like normal people. 

Katsuki’s eyes unfocused as a billion little interactions were immediately reframed.

That ‘uh oh’? That ‘uh oh’ had been a ‘how do I not blow my cover’. 

That deep voice he used to chase Katsuki off? That was him flirting genuinely.

Everything he had said, the white sand beach and blue sky shit, he had meant it. Every fucking word.

It wasn’t teasing. No. It was. But only because he knew Katsuki would react to him aggressively, not because he was lying.

There was no one else he wanted to be around more and no where else he would rather be despite how shitty the situation was.

“Was it pulling pigtails all along?”

Projection. That’s what that strange inflection was. A different truth hidden in a callous jab.

Katsuki slowly put his head into his hands, mortified.

“I’m leaving before we kill each other. But when you’ve finally figured out next steps, call me and we’ll team up to get this started.” Izuku said quietly as he headed for the door.

Team up.

Team Goo.

They had made such a good fucking team.

Dear fucking hell, how had he been so damn fucking stupid.

What had he done?

“Izuku!” He called as he lifted his head. The Nerd paused to look back at him, bottom lip trembling and tears back in his eyes.

“Are you absolutely sure?” He asked, voice wobbling worryingly.

“I am completely absolutely sure.” He said sincere and serious. “He may hide a lot of who he is, even from those of us who would love him anyway, but as good as he is at that, his heart is far too big to ever really hide. It always has been and it’s time for you to realise that too. He loves you. Would probably destroy the entire world for you if he had to, even if it would hurt him. You owe him a very big apology.”

And with that, Izuku left.

“If you hurt Hitoshi like that again, I don’t care that he’d burn down the entire world, I will make you fucking regret it. Do you understand?”

Sunny had said that.

Fuck. What had he done?