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Chapter Text

Ennis was mortified. It had been a week since that first night with Jack and he couldn’t get the image of Earl out of his mind. He’d broken the one promise nine year old Ennis had made to himself, don’t be a queer. Queers are found in ditches. Queers get beat with tire irons. Queers end up dead.

Ennis picked at the grass beneath him. He thought of Jack’s hurt face when he’d left that next morning. Those deep blue eyes swimming with sadness. That complete look of fear and regret, but also longing. But Ennis had come back that night to do it all again. Shame twisted in Ennis’ gut, contorting his thoughts and feelings. He didn’t know what to feel, how to think. Jack had comforted him that night, his soft voice whispering, “it’s alright … ”

But things weren’t alright. Not for Ennis anyway. What was he supposed to do at the end of the summer? Go back and marry Alma? Look into her eyes and lie to her, knowing what had transpired the summer before?

Ennis shook his head and dug the heel of his boot into the dirt. Jack seemed awfully found of him, grinning from ear to ear when Ennis rode into camp, jabbering on about his mama’s cooking or his “foul bastard” daddy. Ennis found himself starting to enjoy the company, as much as his mind screamed at him to bolt down the mountain as fast as he could and never look back.

He could see the swirl of smoke from the camp below. Jack cooking something for dinner, probably singing to himself and waiting for Ennis to return.

Ennis pulled a pack of smokes from his jacket pocket and lit up, his anxious feeling dissipating somewhat at the taste of tobacco on his tongue. He took and few drags and then stomped it beneath his boot, deciding it was time to head back to camp. He mounted Cigar Butt and started a slow trot down the mountain to his herding partner.

****

Jack whistled a tune to himself, not any song in particular, just an arrangement of high pitched notes strung together. He had two cans of beans cooking over the fire, one for him and one for Ennis. Jack had been hesitant at first, to let his feelings for Ennis be known, but with them both being wasted he hadn’t seen the harm, he could just blame in on the alcohol in the morning anyway.

When Ennis had stormed off, or rather galloped off the next morning, Jack thought he was surely dead. Aguirre would show up with the tire irons and beat the fag out of him. He’d never been so afraid.

But that didn’t happen. Ennis came back that night. Jack remembered how scared he had looked. Strong, stoic, stone faced Ennis had been terrified.

His heart ached for Ennis. He had to know that it was okay. It’s nobodies business but ours. What was happening wasn’t something to be ashamed of. Jack wasn’t, anyway.

It was clear Ennis was. His lips were pulled into a straight line, eyes refusing to meet Jack’s. That’s what it had been like the past week. Ennis never look into Jack’s eyes, not even when they were just having a normal conversation. Especially not when they were fucking. Not that that was possible anyway, Ennis always took Jack from behind.

But after Ennis seemed softer, more open. He held Jack in his arms like he was something of value. Like he didn’t ever want to let go.

Jack often wondered what it would be like at the end of the summer, when they had to leave. He himself had a dream of the two of them running away together, Alma and her housewife dreams be damned. Jack had never felt something so strong for another person.

Speaking of Ennis, Jack heard the clopping of horse hooves against dirt and straightened where he was crouched near the fire. He tried to meet Ennis’ eyes, placing his hands on his hips.

“Hey bud. Was wondering when you’d come in.”

Ennis just simply nodded, then dismounted, a cigarette jutting out from his lips.

Jack cleared his throat, “well I’ve uh- got some beans here if ya want some…”

Ennis clearly wasn’t in a talking mood. He tied Cigar Butt up in silence and took a drag of his cigarette.

Jack nodded to himself and looked back to the cans of beans placed on a rock beside the pot.    Maybe he was having regrets. Maybe he doesn’t want this anymore. Worry flooded into Jack’s mind.

Ennis came over and sat down on the log positioned in front of the fire. He tugged his gloves off and stuffed them into his pocket.

“Can ya pass the whiskey Jack?”

Jack nodded and handed Ennis the glass bottle. Nearly empty, Ennis would have to put some on their next grocery list.

Ennis popped open the bottle and poured some into his mug, swirling it around for a moment before taking a swig.

Jack sat down beside him and drank the whiskey straight from the bottle, releasing a breath after he did so.

“You alright cowboy? Yer awfully quiet… more than usual.” Jack offered a small smile, hoping to get one back.

Ennis opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it again and just shrugged.

Jack nodded, “well okay then”

***

It was quiet, Besides the gentle winds rocking the trees and the rushing river behind them. They still sat side by side on the log by the fire.

Ennis hadn’t gone up to the sheep yet.

Jack hoped that maybe, just maybe, he’d stay with him in the tent. It was quite dark after all, there wasn’t much point in riding up to the pup tent.

They passed the whiskey bottle between them, not speaking, but this time it was comfortable silence. Until Ennis spoke up.

“Jack… you ought ta know… I feel damn near sick at the thought of leavin’ at the end o’ the summer.”

Well that was new.

Ennis expressing his feelings? Confiding in Jack? Jack almost spit out his whiskey.

Jack nodded, “me too friend. Really enjoying my time up here…”

Ennis chewed on a hang nail before speaking again, “and I- I don’t know what this is… but.” He shrugged.

Jack nodded again, looked Ennis in the eyes, and this time, Ennis looked back. Jack brought a hand to Ennis’ cheek and stroked it softly.

“It’s alright”

“It’s alright Ennis”

Ennis didn’t move away from the touch. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to will his daddy’s lessons out of his mind.

Why can’t I let myself have this? Ennis wondered, still feeling Jack’s warm palm against his face. He forced a breath out of his nose and gently pulled Jack’s hand from his cheek, then cupping Jack’s face in his hands.

Jack could feel Ennis’ hands shaking, and he gave him a small, comforting smile.

Ennis leaned in and pressed his lips to Jack’s gently. So unlike their previous encounters, the ones where they felt rushed, the fumbling hands and clacking teeth.

Jack returned the kiss, his hands going to Ennis’ face, mirroring his position. He deepened it, their lips moving against each others smoothly.

They broke away for a moment and Jack mumbled, “tent” before they resumed and both got up to awkwardly stumble towards the tent. Ennis’ hands gripped Jack’s hips, walking him backwards.

Jack kisses Ennis’ neck and face, winding his hands through his hair to pull him closer.

The tent flap was already open, and Ennis gave Jack one last kiss before pushing him inside and clambering on top of him.

Chapter Text

Ennis woke with a pounding in his head and a snoring Jack cuddled up beside him. Both of these finds suggested he’d had a little too much to drink the night before. He groaned and sat up slowly, trying not to jostle the sleeping rodeo cowboy. He peeked his head out the tent flap and glanced up at the sky. It was overcast, dark gray clouds blocking the usually blinding sun. 

The horses nickered and Ennis dragged himself out of the tent, zipping up his pants and buckling his belt. 

Ennis trudged over to where the horses were tied up to a tree, patted Cigar Butt, and grabbed the water bucket. The river was quieter today, the usual chaotic rush slowed to a gentle flow, like a tap running. He dipped the pail into the water and watched as it filled slowly. 

Usually Ennis enjoyed his alone time, a break from Jack’s constant jabbering, but now the silence gave his mind too much space to wander. He knew it would be painful leaving, as much as he’d like to pretend he didn’t give a damn about Jack fuckin’ Twist. The plan was to head down the mountain at the end of the summer, hitch a ride back to Sage, where Alma would be waiting for him, and live out the rest of his mediocre life, all part of the American Dream.  

But now it had changed.

Ennis had tried to think of Alma the whole time he’d been working on the mountain, but he quickly got bored and restless, and ultimately preferred to listen to Jack’s exaggerated rodeo stories. Something that wouldn’t happen to a normal, non-queer man, Ennis had decided. 

Not that Ennis was a queer. But then what was he? Just a man that fucked men, and enjoyed it, and didn’t want to go home to his soon-to-be wife? 

Going to start a life with Jack definitely wasn’t an option, if Ennis had trouble keeping his thoughts in line around Jack up here, how would it be down the mountain, in the real world? What would happen if his hand accidentally brushed Jack’s? Or he looked at him the wrong way? Surely the boys with tire irons would be after them in seconds. 

Ennis felt his hand go numb in the cold water and pulled the bucket out of the river, lugging it back over to the horses. 

“Here ya do darlin’,” he stroked Jack’s horse, who had yet to earn a name, but Jack often called her “dumbass” or, “stupid fuckin’ mule” .

He heard rustling coming from the tent and prepared for a difficult morning. Hungover Jack was never fun. And sure enough, as soon as Jack stepped a foot out of that tent he was already complaining. Giving one last pat to Cigar Butt, Ennis pulled out a cigarette and leaned against the tree, watching in amusement. 

“My head fuckin’ hurts. Goddamn Ennis, how're you up so early?” Jack’s hair was ruffled, his cheeks flushed, and he had bags around his eyes. 

Ennis stifled a laugh and replied, “maybe don’t drink so much next time bud.”

Jack just grunted and plopped down on the log by the fire.

Ennis pushed off the tree and walked over to join him, sitting down and starting on opening a can of beans.

“You goin’ up to the sheep?” The question came quiet and disappointed from Jack’s mouth, he clearly didn’t want Ennis to go, and despite all the voices in Ennis’ head telling him to at least go check on the damn sheep, he shook his head. 

“Nah, don’t see much point… already neglected ‘em last night”

Jack held back a face splitting smile and nodded, shifting his gaze from Ennis to his boots.

A full day with Ennis? Unheard of. 

“Sounds to me like we got a free day cowboy.”

Ennis smiled, his signature small, thin lipped smile, “sounds like it”

****

Jack ran full speed into the water, screeching as the piercing cold hit his bare skin. Ennis chased after him, pulling his undershirt over his head and then tossing it to the ground. Yelling as well when he stumbled into the river. Jack was laughing and trying to splash Ennis, shivering from the cold and yelping when Ennis flicked droplets of water at him.

They were having fun. The mountains seemed like a whole other world. No one here to see what went on in their camp, no one to judge the way the pair looked at each other, no one to spit nasty words or wield their tire irons. It was moments like this when Ennis could truly let go. He didn’t think of the upcoming wedding, or how his daddy would beat him if he could only see him now. He could just be. The pure joy on Jack’s face was something he seemed to crave. Ennis knew that he would do anything to make that face stick. He didn’t know how he was supposed to go on without it at the end of the summer.

Cold seared into Ennis’ face as Jack grabbed him by the hair and thrust his head under the water. Ennis resurfaced, spluttering and coughing, returning the favor by dunking Jack as well. 

Jack spat out water as he came up for air, “yer a b-bastard Ennis Del Mar!” he was shaking like a leaf in high wind, Ennis could hear his teeth chattering. 

Ennis laughed, “you started it Jack fuckin’ Twist!”

Jack started laughing too, leaning forward and trying to catch his breath

Ennis turned and ran back towards the riverbank, the clouds had cleared and the warm sunlight felt nice on his back. 

Jack ran behind him, feet splashing through the water and then onto the grassy earth.

Ennis stopped, panting, and Jack saw this as an opportunity, sprinting full speed towards him and jumping onto his back. 

Ennis whirled around quickly, trying to throw him off, but Jack held on tight, wrapping his arms and legs around Ennis’ thin frame.

“Git off me you sonofabitch!” Ennis stumbled backwards, reaching backwards to try and pull Jack’s hair. 

Then Jack leaned forward and Ennis almost immediately tipped over and fell flat on his face. Jack was now sat atop Ennis’ back, laughing his ass off. 

“Holy shit!” 

Ennis groaned into the dirt and tried to get up. 

“Coulda fuckin’ smashed my face in Jack, git off!”

Jack reluctantly rolled off Ennis, onto his own back and still laughing quietly to himself. Ennis flipped onto his back and ran a hand down his dirt smothered face. His head pounded even harder than before. 

The two cowboys lay beside each other in the grass, their naked bodies drying in the sun. Jack was humming something quietly, and Ennis had closed his eyes. He didn’t have the energy to be upset at Jack now, and part of him deep down, didn’t want to ruin the moment. But for some reason Jack did.

“I’ve been thinkin’ Ennis…” he began, not looking at him, keeping his gaze on the clouds.

Ennis had gathered by now that Jack thinking was really him just saying random shit that came into his head.

Ennis grunted in response.

“What’re we gonna do at the end o’ the summer?”

Ennis was silent. He suspected this question would come eventually, but he had held some hope that Jack wouldn’t be stupid enough to ask it.

Ennis took a deep breath before answering, “ain’t no question bout’ it Jack. I’m gon’ go home and marry Alma.” 

Jack propped himself up on one elbow and looked down at Ennis, a frown on his face.

“You can’t be fuckin’ serious.”

Ennis opened his eyes and scowled, “I’m dead serious Twist. You got a better idea? Run off into the woods? Live yer queer fantasy?”

Jack looked both surprised and hurt by Ennis’ response.

“The fuck did you just say ta me?”

Ennis sat up and Jack did as well, his deep blue eyes swimming with hurt and betrayal. Ennis knew that what he had said would hurt Jack, but at this moment he didn’t really care. He felt like his daddy’s lessons were finally getting through to him. What had he been doing this past month? Hanging around with a queerboy? His mind could only scream at him for it.

“You heard me, Jack. Can’t be doing this after I get married. It ain’t right. Hell, it isn’t even right the way we are now!” 

Jack stood up and grabbed his jeans, pulling them on with an enraged look on his face. His voice was low and threatening,

“You listen here friend, cause I’m only sayin’ this one time. You are as much as a dirty fag as I am, and there’s nothing you can do to change that.” He finished buckling his belt and stormed up the riverbank, disappearing into the tent. 

Ennis, still frowning, was taken aback. Jack had never spoken to him with that much venom in his voice before. He knew Jack had a temper, he’d been on his bad side before, but this? Ennis knew he should apologize, but to be honest he didn’t want to. Apologizing meant they’d go back to being whatever they were, and he knew then it’d be too hard to leave. 

He took a deep breath and ran a hand down his face, “shit.”

****

Jack rode slowly through the trees, the gentle breeze threatening to blow his hat off. It was getting quite dark, but Jack had no intentions of going back to that campsite any time soon. He was just planning to stay in the tent for the rest of the evening until Ennis went up to the sheep, but then he’d seen the other cowboy sheepishly walking over to the tent, and he couldn’t take another insincere apology. So he’d got up quickly and pushed past Ennis, setting his hat atop his head and all but sprinting towards the horses.

Ennis had been somewhat upset by Jack’s reaction, yelling after him, “cmon Jack! Goddamn gimme a break!”

But Jack had just mounted his mare and sped off into the woods. He couldn’t bear to be near Ennis. Jack knew he couldn’t control himself around him. Knew that before Ennis could finish saying, “I’m sorry” in that stupid, mumbly, self-pitying tone, he would’ve already forgiven him. That’s just the way it was, the way it had been. He was so sick of being treated like he was everything in the world one minute, and nothing in the next.

At the same time, Jack was kicking himself for asking the question he had. What had he been thinking? Ennis was getting married after all, had he really thought he’d leave Alma and the nuclear family idea for some poor rodeo cowboy? Maybe he had. Ennis was one confusing son of a bitch. But that didn’t stop Jack from being drawn to him. 

Jack slowed his horse to a stop and just sat there. He hadn’t wanted Ennis to see him cry, he didn’t want to be seen as a queerboy and a sissy, but now he let the tears fall, quiet sobs shaking his shoulders. 

“God damn you Ennis Del Mar,” he whispered, sniffing and wiping his wet cheeks. 

His mare nickered and stomped her feet, probably getting cold and wanting to get a move on. 

“Alright, alright.”

Jack turned the horse around and started a gentle trot back to the camp, trying to think of the most hurtful thing to say to Ennis when he got back. This time, this time, he wasn’t going to let him win. 

Chapter Text

Jack rode slowly into camp, scanning the camp for his herding partner. Sure enough, he was nowhere to be seen. Of fucking course. 

“Goddamn coward Ennis Del Mar” Jack muttered under his breath. Couldn’t even stand his ground after saying the shit he said? 

But then he heard some rustling in the tent and his stomach dropped. 

He’s still here? Ennis? 

Keep yerself together Jack. 

But it would be so easy to just forgive the poor bastard and move on. Spend the rest of the summer together, and maybe, with some work, Ennis would agree to Jack’s grand plan.

“Jack that you?” A voice came from the tent. 

Shit. Shit, shit shit.

Ennis emerged from the tent wearing only his jeans. Jack had spotted a wet button up hung by the fire when he first came into camp. He looked nervous and was chewing a hangnail, something he did often when he was having trouble getting his words out, Jack had noticed.

“Hey.” Jack swung a leg over his horse and hopped down, leading her over to the tree where Cigar Butt was tied. He then pulled out a cigarette and lit up.

“You got some stupid shit to say to me?” He took a drag and gave Ennis a death stare.

“Yeah…” Ennis continued to chew on his hangnail, “I’m sure as hell… I-” 

Why is saying it so difficult?

“I’m sure as hell sorry Jack… didn’t mean to hurt you like that bud. It’s- I- I don’t know. ”

Jack could pinpoint the exact moment his heart broke into tiny little pieces. He took a step closer and Ennis didn’t move. It looked as though he was frozen in place, his thumb between his teeth, not meeting Jack’s eyes. Jack took his cigarette out of his mouth and crushed it with the toe of his boot. Keep it together. Think of how many times this has happened before. He doesn’t mean it. But what if this was the last time? Surely after an apology so sincere, Jack wouldn’t have his heart broken again. Seeing Ennis with his shifting eyes, his lips pulled into a straight, yet pouty line, how was Jack supposed to not feel sorry for him?

“Shit Ennis…” Jack walked towards him and wrapped his arms around Ennis, pulling him into a rib-crushing bear hug. Ennis was shaking, whether it was from the cold or that, Jack realized with horror, Ennis was crying. Jack pulled him in closer, placing a gentle kiss in his hair. 

“Shhhh… yer okay, it’s okay.” Ennis was trying to push him away, but Jack wouldn’t allow it, just wrapping him up tighter. 

There was a small voice in the back of Jack’s mind that said to him, you promised yourself this wouldn’t happen. You were supposed to stand your ground. You ain’t no sissy. 

But he ignored it. As much as what Ennis said had hurt him, he understood why he’d said it. Ennis had never spoken a word about his childhood, besides the fact his parents died in a car wreck and siblings raised him, Jack had no clue about what his home life was like. But he had a feeling it hadn’t been good. 

Ennis shook in Jack’s arms and buried his head in his shoulder. It was freezing. Ennis’d get hypothermia if they stood out there any longer. So Jack kissed his cold lips and walked him to the tent. Ennis didn’t say a word as Jack lay him down on the bedroll and wrapped him in blankets. He smoothed Ennis’ sandy curls and kissed his forehead, usually wrinkled in a deep frown, but now it was smooth, peaceful. Jack smiled to himself. Peaceful Ennis was a rarity. 

Ennis fell asleep almost immediately. 

Jack sat beside him, stroking his hair, holding back tears. He knew now it was love he felt for Ennis. Love stronger than he felt for his mama, sure as hell stronger than he felt for his daddy. Jack didn’t want to love him. These past few weeks on the mountain had been the best of his life. But those memories would soon be clouded, tainted as soon as he collected his wage and drove down the road, away from Signal. 

How can something so deep be so shallow in someone else’s mind? So shameful?

Jack knew a life without Ennis would be agony. Married to some stupid bitch who he probably met at a rodeo and went way too fast with. 

Jack sniffed and wiped his watery eyes, laying down facing Ennis. His eyelids fell shut and he let sleep take him.

****

Ennis woke to the sound of Aguirre’s grating voice outside the tent, obviously pissed about something, and he could hear Jack arguing right back. 

“That’s a month’s pay you bastard!”

“I don’t give a damn Twist! storm’s comin in, can’t have the woolies up there in the middle of a goddamned blizzard!”

The sound of Aguirre’s horse galloping away gave Ennis a relief, slowly sitting up in the bedroll and finding his shirt and jacket draped across his chest. He pulled on both of the items as well as his boots and placed his hat atop his head, stumbling out of the tent to find snow. Lots of it. Jack was pacing around the fire and cursing to himself. He kicked a rock and then turned to look at Ennis. He placed his hands on his hips and spoke.

“Aguirre says a storm’s comin’. We gotta bring ‘em down.”

Ennis felt as if the non-existent walls of the mountain were closing in on him. How could this be the end? He hadn’t had enough time to think. Jack was trying to hide his disappointment, his anguish. He wasn’t very good at it. Ennis however, was. A little too good at it.

“Well I guess that’s it then. Better get this damn camp put away quick.” 

Maybe it was the shame he couldn’t hide. The one feeling he couldn’t stuff away, couldn’t stop. Yet it was the one holding him back from everything. Ennis didn’t know he wanted everything until he met Jack. He remembered the previous night. Small bits of it anyway. He’d been drinking before Jack had come back to camp. He recalled how gentle Jack had been with him. It hadn’t been the first time. Jack was always so gentle, so caring. But at the same time, outwardly energetic and lively. Ennis knew he himself was the exact opposite. Quiet, but never soft. Shy, but never kind. He was rough and angry and stubborn. 

Jack just nodded, though he looked like he was being torn apart from the inside. Ennis realized with a great pain in his heart that Jack had given up. He had accepted there was nothing he could do. Ennis would never want him. Not in the way he wanted Ennis. If Jack had given up, there was no hope for them now. Ennis was too much of a coward, he knew it, Jack knew it. 

Ennis couldn’t take it. He needed a walk. Jack was already folding up the tent. Somewhat angrily Ennis stormed off, heading in the direction of the hill he’d sat on weeks ago, when he’d been contemplating whether or not to stay. Jack gave a small glance in his direction then sighed and continued folding. 

****

Ennis chewed on his hangnail. He could feel the cool breeze against his neck and the tall grass brushing his jeans. This was it. If Ennis threw away this chance, he knew it would be over. He’d have Alma, but Alma would never have him. Jack would. Heart and soul. 

****

Cigar Butt nickered and Jack gave him a firm pat, tightening the last on the buckles on the saddle bag. He could see Ennis in the distance, sitting atop the hill with his head down. There wasn’t much he could do. If Ennis was in a mood, there was no fixing it. But Jack was willing to try. He was always willing for Ennis. 

He grabbed his lasso from the saddle bag and began to walk up the hill, a plan being put together in his mind. 

“Time to get goin’ cowboy”

The lasso pulled tight around Ennis torso and he shrugged it off, standing up and tucking his shirt into his jeans. Jack saw this as his chance and swung the lasso above his head again, swinging it low so it hooked around Ennis’ ankles. He pulled and Ennis stumbled, falling to the ground but quickly pulling the lasso himself.

“This ain’t no rodeo cowboy!”

“Oh shit!” Jack laughed, collapsing on top of Ennis and grabbing at his shoulders. The pair rolled around in the grass, dirtying their shirts and getting grass stains on their jeans. They were playing just like little kids, the thoughts of marriage and possible tire irons wiped from their thoughts. 

But soon Jack realized it was turning into something other than fun. Ennis’ movements becoming less gentle and fun filled and more intentionally hurtful. Jack had no choice to return the aggression, not too keen on getting his shit rocked. 

They grappled, a rolling ball full of elbows, knees, and fists. Jack swung his legs over Ennis’ hips and put his hands on his shoulders, holding him down. Ennis pushed back, trying to throw him off. 

Suddenly it was over and Ennis was standing up, breathing hard and holding his arm sleeve to a heavily bleeding nose. The blood ran into his mouth and he spit it out, stumbling around in a small circle. Jack realized what he’d done and rushed to his side bringing hands to cup his face and caress his arms. 

“Ennis… Ennis” 

Ennis made weak attempts at pushing him away. 

“You’re okay…. It’s okay.” 

It’s alright…. It’s alright.

There were so many emotions coming at Ennis all at once. Anger, shame, sadness, fear. His nose was bleeding all over Jack’s shirt sleeve as well as his own. Rage filled Ennis’ head. There were so many things to be mad about. Alma, leaving Brokeback, Aguirre cutting their job down by a month and therefore their pay. So he brought his arm back and threw the hardest punch he could. 

Jack was down on the ground and Ennis looked down at him. He was caressing his own cheek and making strangled sounds of pain. He looked confused and sad and scared. Ennis felt guilt flood through him. Shit. Why did he do that? Did he really just hit Jack? Part of him wanted to feel triumph, pride, damn queer deserved it. But he didn’t. Staring down at Jack’s shaking body all he could feel was remorse. This was someone who’d shown him nothing but kindness and- not love. What him and Jack had wasn’t love. 

Finally Ennis came back to his senses and crouched down beside Jack, grabbing his wrist and gently taking it from where it had covered his blossoming bruise. 

“Jack? Jack, I’m fuckin’ sorry bud… dunno why the hell I did that… I’m so sorry.” 

Two sorries in two days? Ennis Del Mar was on a roll.

Jack looked stunned. His eyes were wide and he didn’t speak.

“Truth is Jack I don’t… I don’t wanna leave ya. Shit I don’t know where we’d go but… god I- I can’t go marry Alma.” 

Jack just stared in disbelief. Ennis hadn’t said that much the whole time they’d been there, and certainly nothing this meaningful. 

Blood was dripping into Ennis’ mouth again and he just wiped it away,  keeping his eyes on Jack and his other hand on his cheek. He didn’t know why he said what he said, or how, but he had. 

Jack’s eyes were welling with tears and he still stayed silent. 

“No… no Jack cmon darlin’ don’t cry… goddamn”

The endearment had just slipped out. It was so unintentional yet it caused the biggest face splitting smile on Jack’s face that Ennis had ever seen. Tears spilled down Jack’s face, and he wiped them, just looking at Ennis with so much… so much longing. 

“Yer serious? You actually want a life with me?”

Ennis managed a very small nod, still incredibly skeptical about the whole idea. 

Jack grinned wider, if that was even possible, and got to his feet, helping Ennis up as well. He grabbed his lasso and ran a hand through his hair. 

“Well friend, let’s get a move on then!” 

Ennis grumbled something about how Jack shouldn’t get his hopes up, tucked his shirt in, again, and began walking in the direction back to the camp, still wiping his dripping nose. 

Jack followed close behind twirling his lasso in the air, he was still somewhat dazed about the whole situation. Though he’d hoped the words, “I want a life with you” would leave Ennis’ mouth, deep down he hadn’t actually expected them to. 

When they reached the horses Jack retightened the buckles on the saddles and saddle bags and then mounted his mare, watching as Ennis did the same. Ennis clicked his tongue to get Cigar Butt moving and turned to look at Jack.

“I meant what I said before, Twist. Don’t get yer hopes up. Just cause I agreed to this half-baked plan of yers don’t mean it’s a forever thing.”

Jack just shrugged and then smiled wide, “you called me darlin’.”

****

Gathering the sheep took at least two hours. Some of Aguirre’s stock had got mixed up with the Chilean sheep and their paints brands were practically nonexistent. But soon enough they were slowly but surely coming down. The sounds of sheep and the nearby stream overwhelmed Ennis’ already irritated senses. After all he’d had a particularly stressful afternoon. Agreeing to Jack’s idea was the first step, but Ennis knew there were so many other things they’d have to overcome. Where were they supposed to live? How would he find the courage to break it off with Alma? 

Jack seemed content. He was the quietest he’d been in… well, as long as Ennis had known him. He now had a large bruise decorating his cheekbone. Ennis couldn’t stop looking at it, and every time he did, a wave of sadness would pass through him. He knew he had some serious making up to do. 

After they’d returned the sheep to Aguirre and been screamed at for loosing at least a third of the flock, they stood at Jack’s truck, which obviously, didn’t want to run. 

“Jack this truck is a fuckin’ piece ‘o shit.”

“Don’t need ta tell me that friend. Had this thing since I was sixteen. Never been worth a damn.”

“‘An ya never bought a new one? Jesus,” Ennis sighed and rubbed his forehead, “Okay, give it some gas…”

The truck sputtered and then roared to life. Ennis rounded it to the passengers side and slid into the seat. 

“Where to now cowboy?” Jack asked, yet another larger than life smile growing on his face.

“Motel. Then to Sage… gotta do what I have to with Alma. She… she deserves somebody who can love ‘er, and it ain’t gonna be me…”

Jack nodded and pulled out of the trailer’s parking lot, heading in the direction of the nearest motel outside of Signal. He tapped his fingers against the wheel rhythmically, humming along to the song on the radio. Ennis just watched in amusement. What was he getting himself into?

Chapter Text

Ennis looked tired. They’d been driving for about two hours, Ennis had said he wanted to get as close to Sage as possible before stopping. Jack stopped tapping his fingers on the wheel of the truck and leaned over to Ennis. 

“You can sleep, y'know bud. Ya look exhausted.”

Ennis just grunted, chewing on a hangnail. 

Jack set his sights back on the road and resumed his tapping. He had been absolutely ecstatic when they’d started their journey, but now things had quieted down, a sense of worry replaced his happiness.

What if he changes his mind? 

Ennis was very difficult to read, that was clear. Most of the time Jack couldn’t tell if Ennis was happy, sad, angry, or furious. In every single one of these emotions he mostly remained silent. The hangnail chewing was a sign of anxiousness, that was the one mood Jack could read. It was a habit he’d implemented often on the mountain, a lot of the time after they’d slept together or even before. Jack decided maybe he should ask Ennis how he was feeling, open a path of communication? That way Ennis would get more comfortable actually telling Jack things and not just grunt? 

Jack turned and opened his mouth to speak, but the surly cowboy had fallen asleep. Ennis was leaned back in his seat, his hat over his eyes. Jack smiled to himself and turned the radio down to let Ennis rest. 

****

By the time Jack pulled into the motel parking lot, Ennis was just waking up. The sun had long past set now, the full moon spilling white light through the truck window. 

They were in a town called Thayne, about an hour and a half from Sage. 

Ennis grumbled and took his hat off his face, setting it on his mess of curls that were now plastered to his head.

“Whuh time’s it?”

Jack checked his watch, “10:35pm cowboy… let’s get a room and then you can go back to sleep.” 

Ennis was suddenly very awake. Sharing a room? With Jack? A man? Wouldn’t people be suspicious? 

“You sure we should share a room Jack? Don’t wanna bring any… attention… to us.”

Jack frowned, “yes Ennis I think we should share. We been sharing a tent for the past two months, don’t see why this is any different.” 

Ennis wanted to get angry. But he didn’t. At this point he was too tired to feel angry, too tired to feel anything. And maybe the thought of sharing an actual bed with Jack was a little exciting.

“I swear ta god Twist, yer gonna get us killed.”

“Tell you what, I’ll go in there, pay for the damn room, and then you come in after me.”

Ennis hesitated, not one to accept charity of any kind from anyone, but he nodded anyway, and watched as Jack exited the truck and walked towards the motel. 

God was he really doing this? Surely someone would see. Someone who happened to have a gun or a tire iron in the back of their truck. Ennis saw Jack unlock and enter the third room to the right of the office and began to count to one hundred in his head. It was hard to focus on counting when there were so many thoughts running around in his mind. That was the effect Jack had on him. Even quiet moments without Jack still seemed loud. It had never been like that with Alma. If Alma was talking, he’d listen, and when she was quiet, there wasn’t a thought in his head. Maybe thoughts like, “oh I wonder what we’re having for supper tonight”, or, “I should get K.E to fix my truck tomorrow.” But never ones like, “maybe Jack is right, maybe I am a queer,” and certainly not, “it sure is gonna be hard to break things off with Alma.”

Ennis gave up counting and figured he sat in the cold truck long enough. He opened the passenger door with his sack of clothes in hand, and made his way towards the third motel room door. 

He knocked and Jack immediately appeared, holding back a smile and ushering him inside.

“Took ya long enough bud, was beginning to think you'd just drove off.” There was a joking tone in Jack’s voice, but Ennis could tell part of the sentence contained genuine worry. Ennis set his bag down on the bed closest to the door, there were two he noticed, and set his hat on the small table at the front of the room. Jack had taken his boots off and was leaning on the table, just looking at Ennis. Desire crept up Ennis’ spine and made him shiver. How could Jack just standing there be so tempting? 

Ennis took a deep, shaky breath and rubbed his forehead. Jack’s brow furrowed and he came closer, pushing off the table. 

“Hey, Ennis, we don’t have to do anyth-” 

He was cut off by Ennis practically lunging at him and shoving him against the table, smashing their lips together and knocking Jack’s hat off. Jack made a surprised sound but immediately kissed back, desperate for attention after days of not having Ennis’ hands on him. His lower back pressed against the table and his hands gripped the edge of it. Ennis’ warm, calloused palms were on his hips, then untucking his shirt and sliding his hands up to Jack’s ribs. Jack let out a soft moan and his hands squeezed the wood beneath them tighter, knuckles white. 

Ennis was fumbling with buttons and sucking marks onto Jack’s neck, needing to feel more of him. There wasn’t anything Ennis could do now, he was fucked. If every time they walked into a private space he would pounce on Jack like he had, how could he be able to cope with being without him for more than a day? A week? A month? A year? A lifetime? He’d never felt so desperate with Alma, but then again he was supposed to be saving himself for marriage. 

He was pulling Jack backwards towards one of the beds and toeing off his boots at the same time. Jack was leaving marks all over Ennis’ now exposed collarbone and neck, completely absorbed by the thought of a real bed and Ennis in it. 

Ennis felt the back of his knees hit the edge of the bed and he let himself fall backward, Jack climbing up him to straddle his hips and kiss him some more. 

Then a thought popped into Ennis’ head and he groaned, “Damn I left the keys in the car Jack… shit- I gotta go get ‘em”

Ennis had a slight smirk on his face, knowing Jack would be absolutely pissed by having to put a pause on what they were doing to wait for Ennis to get keys. But Ennis did truthfully leave the keys in the truck, and he was genuinely planning on running out to grab them, but then he felt Jack’s smooth, heated hands beneath his waistband, and suddenly he didn’t give two shits about keys. 

****

Jack woke up the next morning with a backache and Ennis holding him close. Damn, he thought, It’s like he’s a completely different person.  

He gently unlooped Ennis’ hands from around his torso and sat on the edge of the bed. He smiled. Finally. Jack had dreamed of this even before their first night together. It was more than just the sex. The way Ennis held Jack after, kissing his neck lightly before pulling him closer and falling asleep with him in his arms. Hopefully it’d be a good tempered Ennis day, they needed to have clear minds in order to decide where they were going next. Jack was pondering suggesting his parents house in Lightning Flat, but quickly pushed the thought from his mind, knowing his daddy wouldn’t have no queers in his house and his mama would stand there, quietly and watch, not daring to disagree with John.

Now, Evelyn Twist was not a scared woman. She was strong willed, loving, and open-minded. But John got into one of his moods, there wasn’t much she could say or do to stop him from going on a rampage. When Jack would get beaten, which was often, she would leave the room, usually with tears running down her face, and come back later to give Jack his supper. Jack knew she did everything she could. He knew John would never dare to lay a hand on his mama. So when she’d scold him for hitting their son, he’d just grumble something like, “yer turning him into a damn mama’s boy” , and be done with it.

Jack took a deep breath, stood up, and walked towards the bathroom, yearning for a hot shower.

The water was cold. But Jack showered anyway, as quickly as possible. When he got out he wrapped a towel around his waist and exited the bathroom, searching for his bag full of clothes. 

It had been left in the car. 

“God fuckin damnit,” Jack mumbled. It was either steal some of Ennis’ clothes, or just get back into bed with him. 

Jack chose the latter. 

Ennis murmured as Jack slid back under the covers, and snuggled closer. It was only 6:00am, they had plenty of time to sleep in. Jack felt Ennis shift beside him. 

“Yer hair’s wet…”

Jack smiled, “I had a shower cowboy. You should too y’know…”  

Ennis just sighed, pulling Jack into his arms once more, and pressed a kiss to the back of his neck. 

Jack knew they had to talk. After Ennis spoke to Alma, where would they go? They were both only nineteen, Jack not turning twenty until October and Ennis in late December. They barely had any money and no place to stay. Obviously they wouldn’t be able to stay with Alma, they’d be lucky if she let them out the door without calling the strongest men in town to beat them to a pulp. Jack had already ruled out the Lightning Flat, but if they were desperate he was sure his mama would let them stay. 

“Ennis?” 

“Mhm…?”

“Where are we gonna go? After ya break things off with Alma…”

Ennis let out a long sigh, “dunno Jack… hadn’t really thought about it. Never thought I’d be here… starting a life with you an’ all.” 

Jack nodded. “What about yer siblings? Would either of them have us?”

Ennis shook his head. “Nah… not K.E anyway… his wife’s got a baby on the way, wouldn’t want his kid brother ‘round.” 

Ennis propped up on an elbow and grabbed his pack of smokes and lighter from the nightstand, taking one out and lighting it.

“What about yer sis?” 

Ennis was quiet for a minute before answering, “maybe. She’s married, but her husband’s never home… works too much.” He took a drag from his cigarette. 

Jack shrugged, “We could go there then. She got a problem with queers?”

Ennis frowned, taking the cigarette out of his lips, “we ain’t gonna tell her Jack. Don’t matter if nobody like queers or not they ain’t gonna know. And I’m no damn queer.”

Whatever you say. Jack thought, but wouldn’t dare say it aloud. He knew Ennis was still figuring himself out. Denial was a difficult feeling to get over. Jack knew that. He’d been dealing with it ever since he was a boy. Getting beatings from his daddy cause he was a little too nice to the boys at school, or cried too much when the kids in town called him a fag. He’d pushed down everything he felt about boys. It seemed to Jack like that was what Ennis was doing. But he wasn’t going to pressure him. Sooner or later Ennis would come to the realization. 

“So it’s an option then? Yer sister’s place?” 

“I guess… I’d hafta call ‘er… and we wouldn’t be able to stay there forever.” 

Jack grinned, “Alrighty then cowboy. We got ourselves a place to stay.” He turned in Ennis’ arms to face him. “We leavin’ this mornin’? D’you wanna get this Alma shit over with?” 

Ennis nodded, “might as well…”

“Cmon then friend, let’s get you in the shower and then get on the road.”

Chapter Text

The water was warm on Ennis’ back, soothing his aching muscles. So today was the day. The day he was going to break up with Alma. Ennis knew it was for the best, Alma was a very kindhearted woman who deserved better than him. To be completely honest he’d thought that when he first met her. Ennis wasn’t sure how she’d react. They were both still very young, not even twenty, there was still time for Alma to find a nice husband and have kids. Become the perfect wife. 

Ennis had never been very keen on marriage. He knew how the world worked. How America worked anyway. Your only goal was to have a family and somehow contribute to society and become a provider. Ennis didn’t particularly want kids, though he was maybe a little excited to become an uncle, he had smiled pretty big when K.E told him the news. But he wasn’t sure he’d be the best father. Lord knows he didn’t have much to base his parenting skills off of. 

Before they drove to Alma’s he’d have to call his sister and ask if he and Jack could stay. That was scary. Ennis wasn’t exactly sure where Jolene stood on queers. Would she be suspicious? Jack would definitely want to share a room, which would probably lead to something that wasn’t sleeping.

Ennis had met Jolene’s husband, Thomas, once, at their wedding. He seemed like a relatively nice guy, nice to Jolene anyway. How would he feel about Jack? 

The water was getting colder now, and Ennis turned the shower off, stepping out and wrapping a towel around his lower half. He exited the bathroom and walked over to where his sack of clothes was thrown on the bed. He tugged on his jeans and buckled his belt, then picking out a plain light gray button up. Jack had gone out to get some snacks for the drive and had promptly forgotten his belt. Ennis chuckled, the image of Jack cursing to himself while holding his jeans up pictured in his mind. 

It was now 9:00am. After Jack had come back from his shower and they had their “where should we live” conversation, Ennis was fully awake and wanting more than the quick kiss Jack had given him when he tried to get out of bed for his own shower. 

Jack fuckin’ Twist , always such a temptation. 

Ennis lay on the bed and waited for Jack to return. Though there was a nervous feeling in his stomach, there was also an inkling of excitement. Something that hadn’t been there when he’d proposed to Alma. Jack knew him better than anyone. He was Ennis’ best friend. Ennis… cared… about him. Ennis chewed a hangnail and tried to rope his thoughts together. What was it that he felt for Jack? It wasn’t love. It couldn’t be. It shouldn’t be. But maybe it was? Ennis groaned to himself and ran a hand down his face.

There was a knock at the motel door and then a mumbling, frustrated Jack came through it

“Forgot ma damn belt…” his voice was muffled by the set of truck keys he held between his teeth. One hand gripped the waistband on his jeans and his other arm was wrapped around a brown paper grocery bag. 

Ennis laughed and got up from the bed to help him. 

“Knew you’d get yerself into a situation rodeo,” Ennis took the paper bag, set it on the small table and then took the keys from Jack’s mouth, giving him a quick kiss before turning away to rifle through the groceries. 

Jack blushed, hard. 

He cleared his throat and grabbed his belt from the belt, pulling it through the loops. 

“So uh- you just about ready to leave?”

Ennis turned back to face Jack and nodded, “yeah. Just need ta call Jolene and tell ‘er we’ll be comin” 

Jack nodded back and sat down on the bed. 

“There’s a phone just outside the motel office, you could use that one.”

Ennis leaned down and kissed Jack slowly, gently placing a hand on his cheek. 

“Thanks darlin’. Won’t be too long” 

Jack had to stop himself from screaming with joy as he watched Ennis walk out the door to the motel phone. 

“ Darlin’…” again? When he’d first said it, Jack had thought it was a one time thing, a slip of the tongue, a mistake. But Ennis said it with so much weight . And come to think of it, Ennis had been overly affectionate that morning. Jack smiled his megawatt smile and patiently waited for Ennis to return. 

**** 

Darlin’? Really? What a queer thing to say , Ennis thought. He’d already said it once since they came down the mountain. He couldn’t let that slide once they got to his sister’s place. They have to be more careful.

Ennis closed the door on the phone booth and lifted the phone off the receiver, putting it to his ear and dialing Jolene’s number. 

After three rings she answered. 

“Hello? Jolene Del Mar Elliot speaking.”

Ennis cleared his throat and spoke, “Hey Jo, it’s Ennis…”

Jolene seemed overjoyed at the sound of her little brother’s voice, “Ennis? It’s so nice to hear from you! You already down the mountain? Thought you were there till the start o’ September.”

Ennis couldn’t help but smile. He really had missed his sister. 

“Yeah… got down a few days ago… had to bring the sheep down early, storm was comin’” 

“Oh well that’s too bad. Good for Alma though, god she’s been callin’ me damn near every day askin’ if I heard from ya!” 

Ennis felt his heart drop to his toes. 

“Yea uh- about that sis… I think… me and Alma ain’t gonna work out…”

Jolene was quiet for a minute. Ennis almost thought she’d hung up. But then he heard her take a deep breath and she spoke again.

“Well that’s… if that’s what you want… I guess it’s for the best. Y’know I’ll support you in your decisions Ennis.”

He heard Jolene sigh. 

Ennis chose his words carefully, “I know… but uh- here’s the thing. Me and the guy I was up there with… we need a place ta stay, after I… talk… to Alma.”

Another quiet pause. 

“It would be great to have ya here… Tom would love to see you again… I mean you an’ yer buddy would have to share a room.”

Goddamnit. “That’d be fine Jo. Don’t think he’ll mind.” Ennis didn’t just think , he knew Jack wouldn’t mind. In fact, Jack would prefer it to sleeping in separate rooms.

Ennis could almost hear Jolene’s smile in her voice, “Well we’d just be over the moon to have ya’ll then. Come over whenever, I’ll have a room and a meal ready for both of you.”

“Can’t thank you enough sis, see ya then.”

“G’bye Ennis, see ya then.”

Well that went well, Ennis thought. He knew Jolene had a soft spot for him. After their parents died, Jo, being the oldest, became the parent for both Ennis and K.E. She was more like a mother figure than a sister. 

Ennis began the short walk back to the motel room. He felt a sense of relief, he’d got the living situation figured out, and now there was only one thing left to do. Though the last task definitely wasn’t going to be easy. Ennis reached the door and knocked, giving a small smile to Jack when he opened the door. 

“We got ourselves a place ta stay rodeo.”

Jack beamed, moving aside to Ennis could enter the room. They both laid down on the bed side by side and Ennis continued.

“Things is… we gotta share a room.”

Jack turned his head towards Ennis and smirked, “and why would that be an issue?”

Ennis looked serious, “Jack, we can’t be doing… stuff when we’re stayin’ there. It’s too risky.”

Jack rolled his eyes, “yer sayin’ that now, you’ll be thinkin’ differently when we’re there cowboy.”

Ennis gave him a threatening look, “Jack.”

Jack sighed and nodded, “yeah okay.”

Ennis just nodded in return. They lay like that for a few minutes. It was almost ten o’clock and they should really get a move on, but Jack seemed content enough to stay there forever. But they couldn’t. They had places to go, people to cut ties with, and maybe Ennis was excited to see his sister.

“We should get goin’ Jack.”

Jack rubbed his forehead, “okay. Let’s go.”

****

It was Ennis’ turn to drive, he was the one of the two of them that knew how to get to Alma’s house. Alma bring unmarried, still lived with her parents, and Ennis was praying that they wouldn’t be there when he delivered the news. Alma’s father being the man he already despised Ennis and his family, he hadn’t wanted his daughter to marry some orphan with no home. 

Alma’s mother was the opposite. She was a very open, loving, churchgoing woman with no enemies. She was probably the only reason Ennis got their blessing to propose. 

The drive to Sage wasn’t far, but Jack being Jack, was restless. Whether it was his fingers on the dash, humming or singing along to the radio, Jack Twist was always in a constant state of awakeness. 

“Hey En?”

Ennis was surprised at the nickname but answered all the same, “yeah?”

Jack ceased his tapping and was serious, “when you…” he tried again, “d’you want me to be there?”

Ennis was confused. “Don’t know what you mean.”

Jack rolled his eyes and acted like it was obvious. “When ya go to, y’know, talk to Alma, do you want me ta be there?”

Ennis hadn’t thought about it. While bringing Jack in might be more dangerous, it could help Ennis get his words out. Having a reminder of why he was there doing what he was doing. Jack had a way of bringing Ennis out of his comfort zone.

“I dunno.” Ennis chewed a hangnail.

“I mean, I don’t wanna make anythin’ worse. But I thought it was somethin’ we could discuss… are ya gonna tell ‘er?” 

Ennis shrugged and kept his eyes on the road. 

Jack opened his mouth to speak, then closed it. Then opened it again, “you have nothing to be ashamed of.” He looked Ennis in the eye.

Those words hit Ennis like a bus. You have nothing be ashamed of. Didn’t he? That’s what his daddy had taught him. What every parent taught their child. Ennis knew, had known what happened to queers. There was more than just shame. Fear, anger, confusion. All these emotions Jack had uncovered. Ennis had fucked a man. There was definitely something to be ashamed of.

“The fuck I don’t.”

Jack scoffed, “don’t start now Ennis. I’m tryin’, tryin’ so damn hard, for you to not be disgusted by yerself. By me. ” His voice broke at the last word and he turned away to look out the window. 

Ennis finally spared a glance in Jack’s direction. Why did he have to be an ass all the time? Jack was just trying to help. But he wasn’t. Ennis was not queer. Never had been, never will be. But Ennis’ mind kept going back to the same thought, what am I then? If he did tell Alma, told her about Jack, about their plans together, she would see that as queer. Any sane person would. 

Ennis took a deep breath, “I’ll tell ‘er.”

Jack turned to look at Ennis and nodded. He knew this was a big step for Ennis, and whether it goes well or not could largely affect their relationship.

“And I want you there.” Jack beamed at that. 

“Okay.”

****

They arrived at Alma’s place in Sage around noon. It was a part of a white painted apartment complex situated next to a grocery store. Her parent’s truck wasn’t there, so hopefully it was just Alma home. Ennis turned the key and shut the truck off. He was still. 

Jack gently touched Ennis’ arm and Ennis tensed. He then gave Jack an apologetic look and signed.

“Never thought this’d happen.” He said quietly.

“Me neither.” Jack replied, his hand still resting on Ennis’ arm. “Might as well get it over with.”

Ennis nodded and opened the driver door. Jack opened his own door and followed behind Ennis as he climbed the steps to the second floor of rooms. Her’s was number five out of the fifteen doors.

They walked down the apartment’s balcony until they reached Alma’s. Ennis knocked tentatively as Jack shifted nervously beside him. 

Alma opened the door slowly and smiled when she saw who was standing there.

“Oh Ennis! Come in! Who’s yer friend?” 

Ennis cleared his throat, “this hear’s Jack Twist, the uh- other herder that was up on Brokeback.”

Alma nodded, smiled, and waved the boys inside. The room was tidy, except for a few dishes in the sink, and the walls were covered in framed pictures of Alma and her older sister. 

The three of them sit down at the kitchen table and Alma hands Ennis and Jack mugs of coffee. She sits down and offers Jack a warm smile before speaking. 

“Didn’t expect ya’ll to be back so soon. Thought you were up there till start of September?”

Ennis took a sip of his coffee and replied, “had to bring ‘em down, storm was comin, Aguirre didn’t want the sheep up there.” Alma nodded and turned to Jack.

“So Jack, you got a girl back home?” Jack chuckled and shook his head. Ennis didn’t know how he could act so natural.

“No ma’am. Not too many girls in Lightning Flat that are interested in me.” 

Alma giggled and shook her head, “well I don’t see why, yer a perfectly fine lookin’ man Mr. Twist.”

Jack just smiled and looked to Ennis, waiting for him to speak. Ennis took the hint and spoke, “so um, Alma, there’s somethin’ we came here ta talk about.” Alma nodded, Ennis took a deep breath, “I sure am sorry, but I- I can’t marry you.”

Alma swallowed. Ennis couldn’t tell if she was taking it well or not. Her face was just blank. 

Her voice quivered, “can I ask why?” 

Here goes.  

Ennis cleared his throat for what felt like the hundredth time, “see I… I’ve got feelings fer someone else…” Jack suddenly seemed very interested in the flowery placemat in front of him. 

Alma nodded and took a moment before responding, “I think I can understand what’s goin’ on here.” 

Ennis fiddled with the placemat and Jack placed his hand on top of Ennis’ giving him a reassuring glance before turning to Alma. 

“I don’t want no hard feelings ma’am, but I understand if there is some,” he took a breath, “I mean… things happen an’ I sure care for Ennis, and I’m sure you do too.” 

Alma wiped her teary eyes and pulled a Kleenex from her pocket. “I’m sorry Ennis… I know I wasn’t the best fiancé… I guess our parents did rush us into things didn’t they?” Ennis was taken aback, Alma was reacting not at all how he expected. Why wasn’t she mad? Disgusted?

Ennis took his hand from under Jack’s and placed it on Alma’s. He surprised himself with the action. 

“Alma, you will make a mighty fine wife someday, I’m sure of it,” he offered a small smile, “not fer me though… I’m sure as hell sorry.”

Alma squeezed Ennis’s hand and wiped her eyes again, “thank you fer tellin’ me… I know how you clam up Ennis.” She giggled quietly and sniffed, “daddy will be over the moon, hate to say it but he never really liked you.”

Ennis nodded and stood up, Jack getting up as well “we should probably get goin’ Alma. Thank you for the coffee… I’m sorry.”

Alma’s lip quivered and she pressed a hand to her mouth, holding back tears. She managed a nod and spoke quietly, “you fellas be careful.” 

Both of the men nodded and walked towards the door, Jack sparing a final glance at the shaking, barely together figure of Alma at the kitchen table before exiting the apartment and heading to the truck. 

Ennis got in the driver side and scrubbed at his eyes. Jack got in and closed his door, then gently taking Ennis’ hand in his. 

“Good job cowboy.” 

Ennis nodded and wiped his eyes once more before turning the key in the truck and pulling out of the parking lot. It felt like a large weight had been taken off his shoulders. Ennis was free now. His life with Jack was only just starting. There were still so many conflicting feelings, but for now he could ignore them and relish in the warmth of Jack’s hand held in his. 

It was just the beginning.

Chapter Text

Grassy plains and distant mountains surrounded the empty road. The pair had been in the truck for about two hours, (the drive was four and a half) and Ennis was already getting tired. It was only 2:00pm, but the amount of emotional turmoil over the past few days had really taken a toll on him. 

Jack was half asleep in the passenger seat, slumped and tucked against the truck door. Ennis would have to wake him up so they could switch, but Jack just looked so peaceful he didn’t want to. Ennis yawned and rubbed his eyes and he heard Jack mumble quietly, “We can switch if ya want En…” his eyes were still closed.

Ennis took his hand off the wheel and brought it to Jack’s face, stroking his cheek, “Yer tired bud, I can drive for a little longer.”

Jack took Ennis’ hand off his cheek and brought it to his lips, pressing a kiss to his knuckles. He yawned and shook his head, “nah… you been drivin’ long enough… I can take a turn…” Jack opened his eyes and rubbed them.

Ennis nodded reluctantly and pulled over to the right side of the road. He and Jack got out and switched sides and then they were back on the road again, Jack turned up the radio and started whistling, while Ennis just sat and watched with a small smile on this face.

“You excited to see yer sister?” Jack asked, tapping his fingers on the wheel and looking at Ennis. To be completely honest, Ennis was quite excited, but for some reason he didn’t want to admit it. 

“I guess… haven’t seen her in a bit…” Ennis held back a smile at the thought of reuniting with his sister. He hadn’t seen Jolene or K.E in what seemed like forever. Ennis had always been the quieter one of the three siblings, which set him and K.E apart, and they fought constantly. 

But Jolene was always there to break up the fights and calm down a beaten and bruised Ennis, who usually lost. She truly was like a mother to him.

“Aww cmon friend I know yer happier than you’re lettin’ on. I always wanted siblings…” Jack smile faded and he was quiet. 

Ennis disregarded Jack’s reaction and shrugged, “I dunno… she was always there fer me and K.E I guess. Until she got married o’ course…”

“Her husband alright?” Jack asked this with a tinge of worry in his voice. 

“Tom? As far as I know, yeah, he’s just fine. Only met ‘im once.” Ennis chewed a hangnail.  

Jack nodded. It wasn’t so much Jolene he was worried about, it was Thomas. At least Jolene was Ennis’ family, she would be a little more understanding if she found out about them. 

“She’s not gonna find out… I mean, we’re not gonna tell her, right?” Jack had never been good at keeping secret.

Ennis didn’t speak, just shook his head. Jack could accept that. He was surprised that Ennis agreed to tell Alma, but then again he wasn’t planning on ever seeing her again, whereas Ennis seemed to really love his sister. 

After about half an hour Jack was getting hungry and they stopped at a gas station in the middle of nowhere, even though they had plenty of groceries in the back, Jack was set on getting a coffee and a bag of chips. They needed gas anyway.

“Cmon Jack, it's just a waste of money.” Ennis grumbled as Jack parked the truck and got out, starting to fill it with gas.

“Stop bein’ a stick in the mud Ennis! I’ll get you a coffee.” Ennis continued to grumble to himself but made no further argument. 

Jack came out of the gas station a few minutes later, carrying two coffees and holding a bag of chips between his teeth. He was smiling and waving the coffees around. Ennis let out a laugh and reached over to the driver side to open the door for him. 

“Wow didn’t know you were such a gentleman Ennis.” Jack exclaimed after he’d put his coffee in the side door cup holder and handed the other one to Ennis. 

“Shut up.” Ennis replied, a small smile on his lips. 

Jack opened his bag of chips and popped a few in his mouth. He offered one to Ennis and he shook his head. 

“D’you ever eat Ennis? Goddamn.” Jack set his chips next to him on the seat and reversed the truck out of the gas station. 

Ennis scoffed and replied, “d’you ever stop eating?” 

Jack laughed, loud and joyful, “touché Ennis Del Mar, touché.”

**** 

They arrived at the Del Mar Elliot residence around 4:00pm. It was a decently sized building, wood siding painted white with a large wrap around porch, a typical ranch house. There was a barn a distance behind the home and two chicken coops situated beside it. On the other side of the road there were pastures where cows grazed.

Jack turned the key to shut the truck off and the pair just sat there. 

“You ready?” Jack asked, deep blue eyes searching for dark brown. 

“I guess.” Ennis replied, giving Jack’s hand a squeeze before opening the passenger side door. Jack got out of the truck and started to walk towards the house, Ennis not far behind. 

They reached the front door and just stood there. Jack gestured for Ennis to knock and Ennis made a confused face. They continued to gesture and shrug until the door opened and they both smiled at Jolene standing in the doorway. 

“Ennis! And this must be yer friend!” Jolene looks to Jack and sticks out a hand to shake, “I’m Jolene… 

sorry, Ennis didn’t tell me your name…”

“Jack Twist, pleased to meet you.” Jack put on his best smile and shook Jolene’s hand, “don’t worry about it, I know how Ennis here tends to leave out important details.” Ennis rolled his eyes. 

Jack let go of Jolene’s hand and watched as Ennis gave her a warm hug. Her and Ennis looked a lot alike, they both had dark brown eyes and sandy, curly hair, though Jolene’s face was more slender, she looked to be about twenty three. She wore a red striped button up tucked into blue jeans and muddy work boots. 

“Come on in boys, I’m just getting supper ready. Tom won’t be home till the end of the week, he’s visiting his parents at the moment.” Jolene waved them inside and she took off her boots before going to wash her hands and continue preparing their meal. 

“Make yerselves at home! Your room is up the stairs to the left!”

Jack had to admit, it was a nice house. To the left of the front door there was a hallway, straight ahead was the kitchen, to the left of the kitchen was a living room, with a recliner and couch circled around a small tv. To the right of the kitchen there was what Jack assumed was a bathroom and directly to the right of him were the stairs. 

Jack whistled and looked around, “This is a mighty fine place Ms. Del Mar…” 

“Why thank you! But I can’t have you calling me Ms, it’s Jolene, or Jo if you prefer.” Jolene offered a warm smile and turned from the sink to look at Ennis, “cmon little brother, go show yer friend around!” 

Ennis rolled his eyes at Jolene but gestured for Jack to follow him anyway. The pair climbed the stairs to the top where there was a hallway with a bookshelf and a room beside it on the right, and two rooms on the left.

Ennis pointed to the door on the right, “that’s the bathroom,” pointed to the door on the left closest to them, “that’s… our room, and room beside it is Jo and Tom’s.” 

Jack opened the door to their room and grinned. There was a twin sized bed in the middle, and two nightstands on either side, it was quite a small room, but Jack didn’t mind one bit. It was theirs. 

He went and sat on the bed, patting the space beside him for Ennis to join. Ennis didn’t budge. Just leaned against the doorway and frowned.

“Aw cmon Ennis! I ain’t gonna do anything.” Jack sounded serious, genuine. But that wasn’t what Ennis was worried about. It was himself. Shame rose in him. He’d brought his… friend, to his sister’s house, and they were going to be sharing a bed. What was wrong with him?

“It’s okay En.” Jack could always read him so well. It pissed Ennis off. Jack changed the subject, “yer sister seems nice. Don’t know how you’re related…” it was a joke, and Ennis laughed, just a little. He pushed off the doorway and sat down beside Jack on the bed. 

“Me neither… she’s more like my mom… I’m… more like dad probably.” Ennis brought a hand to his mouth to chew a hangnail and Jack caught his wrist, enclosing Ennis’ hand in his. Ennis’ eyes went to Jack’s and he looked away quickly. He pulled his hand away.

“Can’t be doin’ that here Jack.” He snapped. Ennis could see the hurt in Jack’s eyes as soon as he’d spoke.

Jack nodded and stood up, “goin’ to the washroom…” he mumbled. Ennis felt a pang of guilt and he cursed himself. God why was he like this? 

He heard Jack close the bedroom door. Ennis fidgeted on the bed and chewed his nails. Why was it so hard for him so show Jack he cared? To show him even a little affection? Ennis wanted to scream. To scream and yell and cry and punch Jack but also kiss him until their lips bled. He was so sick of this. 

He sat like that on the bed, in complete silence while his mind was louder than ever. Then Jack came back into the bedroom.

“Ennis I’m sorry, I know what you said earlier, I’m bein’ a total ass ‘bout the whole thing. Shit I just- I like you, and I wanna be ‘round you all the time…” Jack trailed off and went to sit back on the bed. Ennis was a little shocked. Jack may be the more talkative of the two, but Ennis didn’t expect those words to leave this mouth. 

“It’s alright… spose I could be… doing better.” Ennis shrugged. 

Jack nodded, they were both quiet. 

Jack spoke to break the silence, “I meant what I said up there… on Brokeback. It’s nobodies business but ours. Don’t have to tell nobody…” 

Ennis shook his head, “I meant what I said too. I ain’t queer… don’t know what this means though, Jack.”

“Are you scared?” There was no teasing in Jack’s voice, he looked at Ennis seriously.

Ennis didn’t answer.

Just then Jolene called them for dinner and Ennis got up from the bed, Jack following behind.

****

Dinner was mashed potatoes with gravy, green beans, and medium rare steak, Jolene claimed it was Ennis’ favorite when he was little. 

Jolene set her fork down and smiled, “so Jack, d’you have any plans for the future? Ya got a girl at home?”

Jack shook his head, “not me. I been rodeoing, before I went up heardin’ with Ennis.”

Jolene nodded, “well we could always use help here, Tom works in the oil fields but as you can tell we also have this whole ranch ta take care of!” She laughed, “I mean I do half the work anyway.” 

Jack chuckled and took a sip of the red wine they were having with their meal. He had had at least four glasses already, and Ennis could tell it was going to be a struggle to get him to bed without a fuss. 

Ennis was quiet, but the other two people at the table were clearly used to Ennis’ silences by now. 

“Ennis tells me yer brother’s wife is havin’ a baby, how’s that goin’?” Jolene and Jack continued to chat until Jack’s speech was getting a little too slurred and his wandering hands getting too carefree, every few seconds his fingers brushing Ennis’ thigh.

“Think it’s gettin’ late… thanks fer the meal sis, see ya in the mornin’…” Ennis almost had to lift Jack out of his chair. 

“Gnight Ennis. Good luck with Jack there…” Jolene stifled a laugh and waved to the somewhat deflated rodeo cowboy.

Ennis nodded and grabbed his wrist, pulling him towards the stairs while Jolene went to wash the dishes. Jack was grabbing at his shirt and belt buckle as they climbed the stairs, and Ennis swatted them away, putting a finger to his lips to tell Jack to be quiet.

“Ennnnissss yer no fun!” Jack almost fell flat on his face as they climbed the last stair and burst into a fit of laughter.

“Shut the fuck up!” Ennis whisper-yelled. He opened the door to their bedroom and shoved Jack inside, who stumbled and flopped onto the mattress. He groaned and turned onto his back. His feet were hanging off the end of the bed and Ennis knelt down to take off Jack’s boots before toeing off his own and laying on the bed as well.

Jack surprisingly, fell asleep almost immediately. Ennis got his toothbrush from his bag and brushed his teeth in the bathroom across the hall, and then stripped down to his underwear. He gently undressed Jack and pulled his body close to him, tucking his head into the back of Jack’s neck. 

“Gnight darlin’”

Chapter Text

Ennis woke to the feeling of Jack shifting around quite violently in his sleep. Now, Jack had never been a still bed fellow, or still period. But this was unlike his usual restless flailing. His movements were jerky, almost like he was fighting off an invisible attacker.

Ennis half sat up, looking at the clock on his beside table that read 2:30am. He rubbed his eyes and lay a hand on Jack’s shoulder.

“Jack… bud… stop kickin’ me…” he whispered, but tried to be loud enough to break through Jack’s sleep haze. The moving continued, if anything it got worse. Jack was groaning and mumbling in his sleep, his eyes were squeezed right shut and Ennis now realized he was covered in a sheen of sweat. 

Shit. Is he havin’ a fuckin’ nightmare? Ennis thought, having had he own experiences, the symptoms were clear. 

“Jack… cmon wake up darlin’ yer okay…” Jack continued to thrash and writhe and whimper, and Ennis just felt helpless. He’d heard you’re not supposed to wake people up in these situations, but what else was there to do?

He shook Jack’s shoulders and said his name over and over, whispering small reasurances. 

Jack’s eyes flew open and he gasped for air. Tears were streaming down his cheeks and a small sob wracked his body. Ennis immediately pulled Jack into his arms and rocked him back and forth. 

“Hey, hey, darlin’ yer okay, I’m here. Yer safe…”

Jack pulled back to look at Ennis helplessly before burying his head back in Ennis’ chest and sobbing. 

Ennis wasn’t really sure how to comfort someone, but in the moment, he just knew he had to be there. He smoothed Jack’s hair and kissed his forehead speaking softly, “god you scared me bud…” they stayed like that for a while, Ennis still rocking Jack back and forth, whispering kind words into his hair. Words that were nonsense to him, but he knew they meant the world to Jack. 

He felt a small chuckle against his chest and Jack raised his head, “‘m sorry… it was a bad one I guess.” 

Ennis nodded. Jack shifted to lay on his back again and Ennis did the same, turning his head to look at Jack, who just stared at the ceiling.

“You get ‘em a lot? The nightmares I mean…”

Jack shrugged, “had probably one er two on Brokeback… but none after you started sleepin’ with me,” he smirked and then corrected himself, “until now.” Ennis took Jack’s hand and kissed his palm. 

“You?” Jack looked Ennis in the eye.

He didn’t know what to say. Ennis had never told anyone about his nightmares, not even his parents, when they were alive, not even Jolene. They’d been worse on Brokeback, even worse when they started sleeping together. 

“I guess… don’t wanna talk ‘bout it.” He wasn’t ready to tell Jack yet. About Earl and Rich. About his father. Jack hadn’t shared much about his own daddy, Ennis knew it must’ve been pretty bad for Jack to go quiet when his father was mentioned. 

Jack accepted his response and shuffled closer to the blonde. He began to press kisses along Ennis’ neck and collarbone, grinning when he felt the other cowboy’s breathing speed up. 

“Jack.” There was warning in Ennis’ voice but Jack disregarded it, continuing his ministrations. 

“Cmon Ennis… I can’t wait as long as you been makin’ me wait. I need something. Besides, can’t get back ta sleep now anyway…” Ennis all but growled at that and flipped to settle himself on top of Jack. Their mouths smashed together, Ennis’ shaking hands were in Jack’s hair, Jack’s were gripping Ennis’ shoulders. They were both overcome with need.

But still something tugged at Ennis. You shouldn’t be doin’ this. You ain’t no queer. Your sister is right next door.

Jack’s eyes bore in Ennis’, pleading. 

“Fuck it.” Ennis grabbed Jack’s hair and pulled his head back so he could kiss at his neck. Jack groaned as Ennis left marks all over him, and all above the collar. 

Jack moaned and grabbed Ennis’ ass, grinding their hips together. The pair moved and writhed against each other, at some point getting off their remaining items of clothing. Soon enough Ennis had Jack flipped over and was inside him, clapping a hand over his mouth to keep him quiet.

The hand didn’t muffle much.

****

After, Ennis’ head lay on Jack’s chest, his hair wet with sweat. 

“You okay?” Asked Jack as he craned his head up to look at the tired and spent lump of a cowboy. Ennis was always quiet after sex, but Jack liked checking on him. He liked knowing how Ennis was feeling. He knew that a lot of the time the feeling was shame, and he hoped it wasn’t that now. 

“Mm.” He grunted, nodding. Jack slowly carded his fingers through the blonde curls, something he knew Ennis liked, secretly. Like everything else in their relationship. 

“I feel happy… being able to be here with you.” Jack spoke quietly, like he was hoping Ennis wouldn’t hear. 

Ennis thought for a moment. Did he feel the same? He’d contemplated how Jack made him feel to no avail. Jolene sure liked him. So he made his decision, knowing his words made Jack’s night. 

“Me too.”

****

Ennis woke to an empty bed. The sheets were bunched up at the bottom and he felt cold without the warmth of Jack beside him. He heard voices downstairs, probably Jack talking Jolene’s ear off. He smiled to himself at the thought. 

Sighing, Ennis swung his legs around to the edge of the bed and pulled his underwear and jeans on. There was no point in showering, Jolene would probably have them working in the fields all day anyway. There was a spark of excitement in Ennis at the thought of going back to normal life on a ranch. Sure, the work could be back breaking, but it was familiar, something that brought him comfort.

After Ennis had buttoned his shirt he went downstairs, smelling bacon coming from the kitchen. Sure enough, there was Jack, sitting beside Jolene at the dining room table, talking excitedly about the rodeo and how he “almost died” when a 9,000 pound bull “nearly kicked his head off”. Ennis had heard that story many times, and each time it became more exaggerated and less believable. 

Ennis smiled, “You tellin’ Jo some bullshit story rodeo?” He heard Jolene giggle. 

Jack turned to look at Ennis and frowned at him, “it ain’t bullshit! You weren’t there!”

Ennis just chuckled and came to sit on the other side of Jack after grabbing a plate from the counter and filling it with bacon and eggs. 

“You boys get a good night's rest?” Jolene looked up from her plate.

Ennis nodded and Jack cracked a grin and nodded his head as well. Ennis kicked his leg under the table. 

Jolene looked between them, eyebrows raised, and continued, “good. You’ll be working in the barn and the fields today, getting everything ready for fall and then winter. We’ve got a few fences that need replacing too… I assume you’ve done ranch work Jack?”

Jack nodded, “sure have ma’am, been workin’ for my old man since I could walk.” He laughed like it was a joke but Ennis could tell it wasn’t far from the truth. 

Jolene laughed as well and smiled, “great. And I already told you, it’s Jo. None of the ma’am nonsense, ‘m too young fer that.” 

“Are you now?” Ennis said, a small smile on his lips and looking tentatively at Jolene. Jolene’s jaw dropped and she threw a napkin at him. 

“You are one pain in the ass Ennis!” 

Jack laughed out loud and tried not to choke on his food before speaking, “you got that right.” 

Ennis noticed the double meaning, he knew Jack did too. Hopefully Jolene didn’t. 

The cowboys finished their food and put on their hats and boots before heading outside. Jolene and Thomas had a lot of land, Jack couldn’t comprehend how they managed to own a ranch and have Thomas working at the oil rig. But Jolene seemed very hardworking, like Ennis. 

They walked behind the house to the barn and wrenched open the screeching rusty doors. Damn. Jack thought, guess we’ll have a lot to do today. 

The barn was practically empty, the horses were grazing, so basically all they had to do was make sure there was plenty of hay and all the tack was organized. 

“Bales are probably out in the pasture… might have some extra…” Ennis said, mostly to himself. Jack nodded and they walked back in the direction of the house to get Jack’s truck. The pastures weren’t too far, but Ennis had seen Jack limping that morning and felt too guilty to make him walk. 

The truck almost didn’t start. Jack was cursing to himself and muttering something like, “goddamn piece o’ shit… need to get a new one that actually fuckin’ works…” 

Eventually they did get it working, and they drove along the narrow dirt road to the cow pastures. Jack talking enthusiastically about how nice the property was, and how he wished his daddy had half a mind to maintain his own ranch so it could be at least a quarter of what Jolene’s was. 

“Ennis. Ennis! Goddamn you ain’t even listening!” Jack threw his hands in the air dramatically and Ennis drove into a pothole that shook the whole truck. That got him to shut up. 

Jack noticed Ennis was awfully quiet this morning, he’d been quite talkative at breakfast, but he’d barely heard a word from him since then. But soon Jack realized his silence wasn’t a bad thing, Ennis was at peace. He was happy. Happier than he had been anyway. 

Ennis parked the truck next to the fenced pasture and got out, waiting for Jack to do the same before lifting the fencing wire and ducking under it. 

There were a few smaller square bales beside the fence. They could fit probably four in Jack’s truck bed, but that wasn’t nearly enough to fill all the barn stalls. This was going to take awhile.

****

They’d been trucking bales from the pasture to the barn for about two hours and decided it was time for a break. Or rather Jack whined and whined until Ennis agreed to sit down for a bit. The barn was cool in temperature, and the cowboys sat on a bale they hadn’t yet tore apart for hay. 

Jack took a sip from the one of the beers Jolene had given them and spoke, “Ennis?” 

Ennis quit chewing his nail, “yeah?” 

“You ever wonder… what it might’ve been like… if you stayed with Alma? Did the whole family thing with ‘er, raised kids, that sorta thing?” Ennis had in fact thought about it. No matter how many times he tried to think of a good outcome, there never was one. Alma was a sweet girl. He wouldn’t have proposed if she wasn’t. But she wasn’t Jack.

“I guess so. Don’t really matter. I ain’t with ‘er am I?” 

Jack rolled his eyes “yeah I know that dumbass. I mean… did you love her?” Ennis had also thought about that. Hard. What he feels, or felt for Alma and what he feels for Jack were two completely different things. But he wasn’t sure how. Ennis didn’t know love outside of his parents, primarily his mother, and Jo. He’d thought he loved Alma, but it was clear now that he didn’t. 

He shrugged. 

Jack scoffed, “what’s that mean?” 

Ennis scowled, “the hell you think it means? I don’t know.” 

“How do you not know if ya love someone? You were willin’ to live with ‘er for the rest of yer life, you had to be sure.” Jack took a swig of his beer. 

Ennis was starting to get frustrated. Course he doesnt fuckin’ understand. 

“Well I left her fer you didn’t I? Gave up everythin’ I coulda had for some… half assed plan to ranch up with another man.” Ennis was borderline yelling now, “fuckin’ hell Twist when’re you gonna get it through yer thick head that what we’re doin’ isn’t normal! Jesus fuck.” Ennis stormed out of the barn and out of Jack’s sight.

Stunned was an understatement. Jack had thought the silence was a good kind of quiet, but maybe it wasn’t. Ennis had said just about ten sentences the whole morning and now he rants through a whole goddamn speech about how he felt regret. Regret for bringing Jack here, for ever agreeing to be with him in the first place. The contrast to the night before was profound. When was this going to stop? The crushing shame Jack knew Ennis felt. The shame that caused him to clam up and only open when Jack said something stupid and lovesick enough to warrant a reaction. 

He remembered holding Ennis on his chest the previous night. He thought about the guilt and disgust Ennis must have been feeling after. How strange it is that someone can feel like that after touching someone in a way that society told them not to. 

Jack used to feel that. There’s still fleeting moments of it every once in a while. But as soon as he remembers who his feelings are for, it goes away. 

Jack sighed, his head in his hands, “Ennis Del Mar…”

Chapter Text

Jack sat on that bale in the barn for what seemed like forever. He wasn’t going to seek Ennis out, he knew that would be a terrible idea. The best plan was to just wait until Ennis came to his senses and apologized on his own. But that’s how it always was and it never changed. Another outburst like this one was sure to happen again, it was inevitable. But once again Jack wished there would be a change in Ennis’ behavior. 

He sighed and stood up, planning to go into the house and recycle his and Ennis’ empty beer bottles, Jack wasn’t a fan of littering, and then hauling the bales into the barn and maybe, if he had time, re-fence the pastures.  

The bottles clinked in his hand as Jack walked to the house, feeling somewhat downtrodden. He’d thought everything was going well until now. 

Jolene smiled when Jack walked through the door, “hey Jack! How’re things workin’ for ya? Found everything on the property ok?” 

Jack nodded and tossed the bottles into the recycling bin. Jolene frowned, “everything alright?”

Jack shrugged, “me an’ Ennis got into a bit of a thing… it’s alright…” he turned and planned to walk out the door when Jolene’s voice stopped him.

“I know my brother can be a bit stubborn…” she paused, “well let’s be honest, a complete and total asshole.” Jack held back a smile and nodded. 

Jolene sighed, “he’s just…” Jo sighed again and made a hand gesture, “mixed up? I dunno… I know it’s probably our daddy’s fault. Whatever’s up with ‘im…” she rubbed her forehead. She looked concerned, a common older sister look, Jack thought, “at the end of the day, I love him, I’d do anything fer him, that’s more than he’d ever do fer me, but that’s just Ennis I guess…”

Hearing Jolene’s words comforted Jack. Being an only child he’d never had a good protective figure in his life. Jolene seemed to be that for Ennis. Someone who might not completely understand, but will go to war for you anyway. Jack wished he’d had that.

Jack realized tears were running down Jolene’s cheeks, “you seem like you really care fer him Jack. I know he feels the same. I don’t want him to lose that… he’s so fuckin’ closed off. I was so happy when he brought you here… god I can’t believe I’m cryin’”

For whatever reason, Jack couldn’t remember, he just walked over and pulled Jolene into a tight hug. She was shocked for a moment before returning the embrace. Even though Jolene might not know to the extent Jack cared for Ennis, she was happy with whatever relationship she thought they had, and that meant a lot to Jack.

“Thank you so much Jack… Fer helpin’ my brother.”

****

Ennis threw a small rock as far as her could, watching at it flew through the trees at the other end of the pasture. Jack fuckin’ Twist.

He thought of how things were that morning, how calm, peaceful, together he felt. Jack was being his normal idiot sonofabitch self and surprisingly he hadn’t minded.

Yet once again he had fucked it up. 

He thought about going to talk to Jolene about it. She’d been there after him and K.E had fought, surely she’d have some useful information? But it was a stupid idea. Because he couldn’t tell Jo why they’d fought, or what it was about, for fear of her kicking both of them out of the house and never speaking to Ennis again. 

God when did things get so complicated? 

He and his siblings were all grown up now. Either gotten married or started their own families. And here Ennis was, always two steps behind. Too shy to get a girlfriend, too much of an asshole to keep one. 

After thinking of his options for a moment, Ennis opted to re-fence the far pastures. Where he hopefully wouldn’t be bothered and could get himself under control before he sought Jack out just to punch him in the mouth. 

When he reached the pastures, which took quite a while because he had to walk, Ennis realized he’d forgotten his gloves. To hell with it. He thought and began his work. Within five minutes he already had four decently sized cuts on his hands and was wiping blood on his jeans. 

Then he heard the sound of a truck approaching, Jack’s no doubt by the sound the engine was making, and groaned. 

Jack got out and crouched beside Ennis where he was uncoiling more fencing wire to use. Jack held out a pair of gloves and Ennis took them. He then pulled out a handful of bandaids and also gave them to Ennis. 

“Jolene said you’d be here… said you’d no doubt had forgotten your gloves and be bleedin’ all over yerself…”

Ennis nodded and reluctantly plastered the bandaids on his scraped skin. He pulled the gloves over them. They worked in silence together. It felt weird to not hear Jack rambling on. Ennis felt a little guilty, it was probably his fault Jack was clammed up. The poor bastard was too scared to talk.

It was getting to be a little after lunchtime and neither of them had eaten. Jack’s stomach was growling, Ennis could hear it. 

“If yer hungry you can go eat… I can finish this up…” Ennis mumbled, just loud enough for Jack to hear. 

“Yer not gonna come with me?” There was hope in Jack’s eyes. Over such a simple thing, why was he being so nice? Ennis had been a total bastard and Jack still came crawling back. It was as if he was the sun, shining down on Ennis’ bleak life, offering brightness and warmth to it. 

And of course Ennis was a cloud. Something that was always trying to cover the sun, tamper down its light, as to not draw attention. Ennis was sick of being that.

“Sure… why not?” Ennis stood up and they began to walk back to the house together, leaving the truck in the pasture. Jack was beginning to go back to his normal self, chattering mostly to himself. But for once, Ennis listened to every word.

When they opened the front door Jolene was setting the table for lunch. She gave Jack a small smile, reminding him of earlier, and spoke, “you boys hungry? I’ve got a few peanut butter sandwiches ready.”

They ate in silence and Jack began to wonder when this would end. If this was one of their other fights they would’ve made up already. 

“‘M gonna go finish the bales…” Ennis mumbled and stood up, making a beeline for the door and exiting the house quickly. 

Jack gave Jolene a helpless look and she shrugged. Jack thanked Jo for lunch and followed Ennis’ path outside to the barn. 

“Ennis? You in here?” Jack called. He just wanted to talk. For them to actually communicate, and get this problem resolved so Jack didn’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing and losing Ennis altogether.

“Yeah…” Jack heard from the back of the barn, in one of the horse stables. He found Ennis, knees pulled to his chest, chewing a hangnail, in the last stall.

“You alright?” 

“Guess so.”

Jack sat down beside him, “y’know I’m sick a this shit Ennis. I really am.” Ennis didn’t reply so Jack continued, “us fightin’, you stormin’ off ‘an makin’ a big fuss… I just want us to be…” he thought for a moment, “ok.”

Ennis nodded, his eyes were fixed at the doorway of the stall. 

“‘An I know this is hard for you… I know. I ain’t never been one for talkin’ bout feelings neither. But we gotta sometimes.” Jack sighed and rubbed his eyes.

Ennis spoke quietly, “I’m sick of it too…” he paused, “don’t… don’t like makin’ you feel bad Jack.” 

“I know.” Jack was at least hoping Ennis didn’t gain anything from hurting his feelings. Deep down he knew there was a big difference between the way Ennis felt in his brain, and the way his heart felt. 

“I thought it was… y’know, the sex,” Jack was surprised Ennis had used that word. He’d never spoken about what they did, “but I realize now… I like you Jack. ‘An I know it’s not the same as what I felt with Alma. I dunno what it is, but it’s different.” 

It’s love you stubborn bastard, Jack wanted to say, but he knew he had to give Ennis time to say those words.

They sat like that for a while, just listening to each other breathe. Jack had closed his eyes and Ennis thought he’d fallen asleep, so he leaned over and pressed a kiss to Jack’s cheek. 

Jack was awake though, and he couldn’t hold back his grin, “yer bein’ real sweet ta me Ennis Del Mar…” he kept his eyes closed. 

Ennis turned bright beet red and grumbled, “I am not.”

****

When the two came back inside Jolene was too busy cleaning to say hi. Tom would be home in two days and she was in full housewife mode. It was a state Ennis wasn’t used to seeing his sister in. It was even stressing him out. He watched from the couch as Jo vacuumed, swept, wiped counters, over and over again.

When they’d finished the work in the barn, both Ennis and Jack had offered to help, but she had given them a look that could turn people into stone and they decided it was best to leave her be. 

Ennis saw that Jack was getting antsy. He was shifting around on the couch and fiddling with a small hole in his jeans.

“Hey bud?” 

Jack looked up from his hands, “yeah?”

“Wanna step outside fer a bit?” Ennis asked, hoping he would say yes because he himself needed to get out.

Jack nodded eagerly and got up from the couch, following Ennis outside. 

Ennis lit a cigarette and they stood on the porch, passing it back and forth. Things had been relatively calm their first few days at the house, besides their squabbles, but soon enough Tom would be back and Ennis was terrified. If Thomas found out they would have nowhere to go. They hadn’t even found jobs yet. Jack hadn’t shared where he thinks they should go next. Ennis wanted to talk to Jack about it, but he couldn’t. Not here.

“Can we go to the barn? Wanna talk to ya bout somethin’” Ennis stomped his cigarette out.

“Sure friend.” Jack was a little skeptical. Ennis wasn’t much of a talker, so whatever needed to be said must’ve been important.

“Wats up bud?” Jack asked when they sat down in one of the stalls. 

“Just thinkin’ about what we’re gonna do… when it’s time ta go.” 

Jack nodded, “I know what I wanna do.”

Ennis frowned, “well shit you’ve got it all figured and didn’t think ta tell me?”

Jack chuckled and shook his head, “nah… I just know what I want.” 

Ennis scoffed, “tell me then!”

With another laugh Jack began, “I want a ranch house, one kinda like Jolene’s but bigger. Painted white with wide windows and our own room…” he paused, “our own bed… lots a land, barn, stables, horses…” he looked Ennis in the eye, “I want you, Ennis. Every day I want to wake up to your face. Wanna see you everywhere.” Ennis blushed and felt a little embarrassed, but tried to keep it together for Jack.

Tears pricked his eyes, “goddamn ain’t you a sappy one…”

Jack chuckled, “it’s the truth…” they both looked at each other at the same time, locking eyes. Ennis let his hand go to Jack’s jaw and cup his cheek. God he looks so beautiful. 

Ennis leaned in and let their lips brush before sealing them together. He brought his other hand to Jack’s other cheek and pulled his face closer to his own. Ennis let Jack’s tongue slip into his mouth and Jack swung his leg around to straddle Ennis. His hands rested on Ennis’s shoulders and the kisses deepened.

Their lips parted for a second and Ennis mumbled, “god darlin’ you’re gorgeous…” it just slipped out, he’d never said anything like that to Jack before. When they kissed again he felt Jack’s lips curve into a smile. 

Truthfully Jack was a vision in the evening light. The setting sun shone in through the barn windows and casted a warm orange glow on his pale skin. A hand went into Ennis’ hair and Jack lowered his head to kiss his cowboy’s neck. 

He was planning to repay Ennis for the red and purple suck marks he had left the night before. Jack had to wear his bandana around his neck the whole day just so Jo wouldn’t see. But he decided to have mercy on Ennis and undo his shirt just a little to leave one below the collar. 

The shame bubbled up but at this point Ennis didn’t give a fuck. He was with Jack. Someone who’d put up with every one of his own identity crisis tantrums, someone who always held Ennis if he asked, even if he'd been an asshole up until that point. 

And if only for that moment, nothing else mattered.

Chapter Text

Ennis woke with a groan. Two days had passed and Thomas would be arriving at the house later in the day. He felt Jack shift next to him and mumble something in his sleep. He was laying on his front with his head turned to the side, partially hidden by the pillow. Cute. Things had been good for them the past few days. Little to no arguments, and a lot of stolen kisses in the barn, a well balanced life. 

Both of them had yet to meet any of the townspeople, and Jolene insisted that they go to church that morning to, “get involved with things outside the damn farm,” Ennis wasn’t convinced. Jack had happily agreed and told Jolene they wouldn’t miss it. 

It was 7:00am, church didn’t start till 10:00, so they had some time. Ennis turned on his side to face Jack. His eyes were closed and surprisingly, he wasn’t snoring.

“Whatcha lookin’ at cowboy?” Jack mumbled and Ennis blushed.

“Nothin’…” he grumbled, “fer once ya ain’t snorin’… looked peaceful.” He embarrassedly turned to face the opposite direction, away from Jack.

“Aww cmon!” Ennis felt Jack put a hand on his shoulder, “don’t gotta be embarrassed bout it… I like when you look at me.”

“Course ya do…” Ennis mumbled, but Jack heard the grin in his voice.

“Turn over so I can kiss ya,” Jack spoke softly. And Ennis did turn over. They stared at each other for a moment, brown eyes gazing into blue. Ennis let a hand go to the back of Jack’s head, fingers twining in his somewhat shaggy hair—Jack desperately needed a haircut—and pulling him closer, their lips meeting gently. 

Jack mumbled in between kisses, “we…going to… the church today?” Ennis almost groaned at the mention of it.

“We gotta, Jolene’s gonna make us, hafta make friends with all the townsfolk n’ stuff…” he tried to kiss Jack again but was interrupted.

“If you don’t want to… I mean, I know what they can say. Don’t want them ta scare you off…” Jack chuckled, as if it was a joke. They both knew he was serious.

Ennis thought before responding, “they ain’t gonna. Brought you to ma sister’s house… can’t be more of a reassurance than that.” Jack smiled. 

“So we’ll go to church then?” Jack asked, and Ennis rolled his eyes.

“Yes we’ll go to the damne— we will go to the church.” Jack just nodded and pulled Ennis in. Their lips met with more urgency. Jack pulled Ennis on top and they continued their feverish kissing, Ennis’ palms running all over Jack’s arms and torso, Jack’s hands on Ennis’ hips.

“You worried bout Tom comin’ back today…?” 

Ennis nearly screamed, but he didn’t. Instead he replied, “Jack do we really gotta talk about that right now?” Jack made a face and shrugged.

“I just wanna know…”

Ennis let their foreheads rest against one another, “you seem to just wanna know a lot of things bud.” 

“Want you to be able to talk ta me.” 

Ennis didn’t want to talk to anybody, “Jack.” He didn’t want to lash out. The truth was, he was worried, terrified even. But he didn’t want to ruin the moment. Mornings were basically the only time in a day he got alone with Jack. If he didn’t want to talk about something all he had to do was say so, politely. It was hard, but it was what had to be done if he didn’t want to hurt Jack’s feelings.

He kissed Jack slowly and wrapped his arms around him, practically smothering Jack in his body, “don’t wanna talk about it. Please.” 

Jack nodded and placed his hands on either side of Ennis’ face, “okay.”

****

The pair eventually roused themselves and went downstairs for a quick breakfast before heading into town for church. Despite Jack’s willingness, he did look a little nervous. Maybe more for Ennis than himself. Who knows what kind of fire and brimstone eternity in hell they were preaching.

Jack parked beside the church and gave Ennis’ hand a kick squeeze. Ennis yanked his hand back, looking around before giving Jack a, I’m sorry look.

The church was packed. Casper wasn’t that big of a city, but it sure had a lot of churchgoers. The service hadn’t started and people were socializing in the entryway.

“Ennis! Oh my goodness Ennis Del Mar!” Ennis looked around to see a short, thin, white haired woman wearing a brightly coloured floral dress excitedly walking towards him, “oh I haven’t seen you for ages! And who is this you’re with?” 

Before Ennis could mumble some empty response Jack stuck his hand out to the woman and spoke, “Jack Twist ma’am. I’m stayin’ with Ennis an’ his sister till I get hitched.” It was unsettling how easily Jack could lie.

“Oh how lovely! Yes Jolene is quite a hospitable young gal… I’m Clara. Clara Warner. I used to babysit little Ennis. Sweetest thing…” the woman beamed and it seemed she didn’t want to let go of Jack’s hand. 

All Ennis did was stand there and watch as Jack charmed Clara. He somewhat remembered her. Before his parents had died she’d been around lots, family dinners, on the rare occasions when his dad took his mom out for dinner. He hadn’t seen much of her after the accident. Jolene probably couldn’t afford a babysitter.

“Oh well it is just great to see you. And nice to meet you as well Mr. Twist!” Clara waved and sped off to bother some other poor, shy soul.

Jack turned to Ennis and smiled, “she seems nice.”

Ennis shrugged, “I guess. She was always good to me…” 

The service was now starting and people began to file into pews. Ennis and Jack chose the one nearest to the back for obvious reasons, a quick escape route, so Ennis didn’t feel like the whole town was staring at him whenever the word “sin” was spoken. 

The priest was a large man. He had a tidy beard and a balding head. He was grinning from ear to ear. He looked like a family man type, Ennis thought. 

“Welcome! We’ve got a great service today, lots to speak about. But there are also many warnings that are not to be taken lightly.” Jack held his breath.

He continued, “we all know Charlie, our once believed altar server has been caught engaging in sinful activity this past weekend.” It seemed as if the whole church sucked in a breath, murmurs echoed throughout the high ceilinged building. Ennis clenched his fists and Jack bit his lip.

The priest raised his hands as if to silence the crowd, “now, now. There is still hope for our dear boy. We’ve all read Leviticus 20:13a, if a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both have done what is detestable.” Jack wanted to reach for Ennis, to tell him it’s okay, that what some priest says doesn’t matter, that it was a stupid idea to come anyway. But he couldn’t. 

“I hope you will all pray for Charlie tonight, as you do for your families. I will say a quick prayer for him now.” The priest bowed his head and so did most of the church. Except for Jack and Ennis. 

“Lord, I fervently pray that he be washed, be sanctified, and be justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God, so that he may inherit the kingdom of God.” 

It was clear to Jack that Ennis had had enough. His hands were clenched, his eyes darting around the room. Jack watched as he stood up and walked out of the church, unexpectedly calm. Jack waited a second before getting up and following him outside. 

Ennis hurried out of the building and into the parking lot, beelining it for Jack’s truck. Jack followed close behind and soon they were both in the truck, sitting in silence. Until Ennis—not one to break silences—spoke up.

“I don’t want to go back.” He said quietly.

“Yeah… me neither.” Jack replied.

“Gotta pretend we went for the full service, Jolene would be pissed if she found out we didn’t…” Jack listened to Ennis and nodded.

“We can just… drive around I guess.” Ennis raised an eyebrow and Jack shrugged. 

“I know somewhere we can go…” Ennis paused, “I’ll drive.”

They switched spots in the truck and Jack looked at Ennis, seeming overly excited, “wow cowboy whereabouts are ya gonna take me?”

Ennis smiled, “you’ll see.” 

It was shocking to Jack how calm Ennis was about the whole situation. They’d just listened to a priest preach about the sins of queerness and while Ennis seemed a little unsettled, even three days ago his reaction would’ve been much worse. 

They drove out of town, in the opposite direction of Jolene’s, and down a dirt road path leading into a wall of evergreen trees. Jack whistled as he looked out the window, “damn friend, it sure is beautiful here…” he was right, streams of sunlight came down through the gaps in the trees, reflecting through the truck windshield.

Ennis hummed in response and continued to drive until they reached a little lake. He parked the truck and looked at Jack, “we’re here.”

Jack beamed, “where is here exactly?” He did an over exaggerated gasp, “is this where Ennis Del Mar brings his girlfriends?”

Ennis reddened and rolled his eyes, “nah dumbass… you know… you’re the only person I’ve… been with.” 

Jack frowned, “whaddaya mean?”

Ennis looked like he was about to explode from embarrassment, “shit Jack you know what I mean…”

The rodeo cowboy’s eyes widened and he tried not to blush, if that was even possible. He was the only person Ennis had ever slept with? It made him feel special. But he knew it was only because of what was expected of young men, to wait until marriage. 

“Hate ta tell ya friend, but you ain’t my first.” Jack gestured to himself. Ennis gave a small chuckle. 

“Yeah I figured.” 

Jack burst out laughing and so did Ennis. They sat there, in the small truck cabin, holding their stomachs and laughing until their eyes were watering and tears were streaming down their cheeks.

 After a minute Jack took a deep breath and sighed, “whoo wee! Honestly En, I thought you’d have a way different reaction…”

Ennis shrugged, “don’t really have control over what you did before you met me… I mean, I don’t really like it… but ain’t nothing I can do bout it.” Jack hummed and nodded. He was liking the way Ennis had been lately. More laid back. 

“So why’d d’you bring me here then?” Ennis blushed and picked at his hangnail. 

“Jus’ wanted ta show you… used to come here a lot.”

Jack gently took Ennis’ hand in his, “it sure is pretty.” He nodded in agreement.

“So…” Ennis began, “who else you sleep with?” Jack frowned.

“Aww cmon En don’t get jealous… just a few guys in highschool…” Jack suddenly looked nervous and he didn’t meet Ennis’ eyes.

“Guys?”

Jack scoffed, “yeah, guys Ennis. You got a problem with that?” Ennis was quiet, like his was contemplating whether to blow up or not.

He sighed, “they better?” 

Jack frowned again, “better at what?”

“Jack you know I fuckin’ mean don’t make me say it…” Ennis slid his hand out of Jack’s and chewed his hangnail. Jack did know what he meant, he just didn’t know how to answer. Many of his experiences in school had been unpleasant, some of them weren’t, but most of them were. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to tell Ennis about those yet. But in all truthfulness Ennis was Jack’s favorite. There was something besides sex in their relationship.

“Nah. Don’t even compare.” Jack said decidedly, offering Ennis a smile and getting an embarrassed blush in return, “you’re the only one that actually stuck with me… even if it took ya awhile…” 

There was a sense of pride in Ennis as he heard Jack’s words. Don’t even compare. He could be lying to not hurt Ennis’ feelings. But he probably wasn’t. Jack wouldn’t lie about something like that.

Ennis stared at Jack for a long moment before grabbing him by the back of the head and pulling him in for a kiss. When they separated, Jack, who was beaming, spoke.

Jack looked through the truck window, angling his neck to try and see the tops of the trees, “Well you gonna show me ‘round this place?”

Ennis shook his head, “not today…” he checked his watch, “it’s 11:30, church should be done by now. Might as well head back to the ranch…”

Jack made a face, “you brought me all the way out in the middle a nowhere, fer no reason?” Ennis shrugged.

“Not for no reason. Think it’s nice, never really looked round before. Just came here to sit in my truck and be quiet usually…” he smirked, “guess it was a mistake bringin’ you here then.” Jack chuckled and smacked Ennis on the arm.

“Shut up you grumpy bastard…” 

Ennis smiled one of his rare smiles and turned the key in the truck and its engine, not one to run on the first try, roared to life. 

“What time’s Tom sposed to arrive?” Jack asked quietly, hoping it had become less of a sensitive topic.

“Dunno… round 5:00 er somethin’.” They exited the deep forest and turned in the direction of the ranch. Jack turned on the radio and sang while tapping his fingers, every one in a while sparing a glance at Ennis who was very obviously trying to hide a grin. 

Ennis wasn’t really sure why he’d brought Jack to the woods. It was true that he’d hung out there lots as a kid and teenager, a time when he could control his mind. It was important to Ennis that Jack knew how he felt about him, which was difficult because Ennis didn’t even know how he felt. But bringing Jack there, showing him a place that meant a lot to him, it was a big step. One that he knew made Jack happy. Ennis liked making Jack happy.

When they got back to the ranch Jolene had lunch ready, and all three of them sat down at the table together.

“How was church?” Jolene began.

Jack cleared his throat and hesitated before replying, “eye opening…”

Ennis raised his eyebrows and stared at his plate, “sure was…”

Jolene cocked an eyebrow and looked at the boys who both stared down at their plates, “well ok then… good to hear. I’ve got to do some more cleanin’ before Tom gets home, so you boys can do whatever, s’long as the chores are all done.”

Ennis watched Jolene as she stood up, “cmon Jo, he’s yer husband, not the pope… don’t gotta do all this shit.”

Jolene just shrugged and busied herself with reagrangning the cups in the kitchen cabinet. 

“Ya haven’t shown me the horses yet.” Jack said, though is seemed like more of a suggestion than an observation. Ennis took a sip of water and thought about it. Jack knew his way around horses. Mostly. 

“Yeah sure. We can go see the horses.” Jack looked at Ennis and smiled brightly.

“Sounds great bud.”

**** 

The horses were out in the field since it was so nice outside, but soon enough they’d have to be put back in the stables in the barn, once it got colder.

Jack walked through the tall grass black mare with a white stripe down her nose, “hey girl…” he patted her stomach gently, “these sure are nice horses En. They all Jolene’s?” 

Ennis shook his head, “nah. Some of ‘er neighbours keep their horses here. Fer a price a course.” He pulled a sugar cube from his pocket and gave it to the mare, “Junie’s hers though…” Junie snuffed and took the sugar cube from Ennis hand. 

“She likes you,” Jack noted, a smile on his face.

“Junie likes everyone,” Ennis replied, stroking the mare’s nose and fishing another sugar cube from his pocket. 

“Can we ride them?” Jack asked. 

Ennis shrugged, “guess so, only this one though, Jo’s only got two other horses here that are hers, one of them’s brand new, hasn’t been broken yet, and the other is Sage over there…” Ennis pointed to a cream horse on the other side of the field, “and she lost her foal in the spring. Don’t usually like people.”

“So we gotta share then?” There was amusement in Jack’s voice and Ennis rolled his eyes.

“We ain’t gonna share, yer gonna ride the damn horse. Need some practice anyway, after that mare on Brokeback…” Ennis gave a small smile.

“That was not my fault!” Jack argued, fixing to start a fight.

“Sure it wasn’t bud…” 

Jack huffed, “I came out here to ride horses with you Ennis, and you sayin’ we can’t sit in the same saddle? We share a bed goddamnit!” Ennis shushed him harshly and then threw up his hands. 

Soon enough though they were riding the same horse, Ennis in front, holding the reigns, and Jack behind, pressed up against Ennis’ back. Which definitely wasn’t making Ennis feel some type of way.

They rode in silence through the field, every once in a while Jack whistling a song. I wish it could be like this forever, Ennis thought. But maybe it could be. Maybe someday they would have their own ranch with horses and cows and a beautiful house way out in the middle of nowhere.

Ennis was broken from his thoughts when Jack leaned real close— if they could get any closer riding in the same saddle— and whispered, “wanna go back to the barn cowboy?” Before kissing Ennis’ ear and wrapping his arms around his waist. 

Ennis nodded hastily and immediately turned Junie around, heading back towards the barn.

Chapter Text

Jack and Ennis sat side by side on a hay bale, sharing a cigarette. As soon as the pair had returned to barn after their horseback ride, Jack had practically tackled Ennis, who had shoved him off and taken a good look at their surroundings before reciprocating the affection.

“So tell me the truth Ennis,” Jack began, taking a drag of the cigarette and then handing it to Ennis, “you nervous bout Tom?” 

Ennis grit his teeth as he took the cigarette, “guess so… but he’s Jolene’s husband so I kinda gotta like ‘im. Like I said, he was nice at their weddin’.”

Jack nodded, “alright.”

They were quiet for a bit, just passing the cigarette and listening to the wind and the creaking of the barn wood. In moments like these Jack really thought about his future. Their future. Would Ennis stay with him when it was time to go? He hoped so. Where would they go? Outside of Casper? Outside of Wyoming? Jack had only been to Wyoming. Except when he’d been to Texas for a rodeo once. They were only nineteen. Yet his mind was full of everything but what a normal nineteen year old thought about. Which was probably marriage, and a decent ranch job. 

He thought about maybe going up to see his folks, or Ennis’ brother, K.E was it? Jack remembered his wife was pregnant, due to give birth soon. Would they go up to visit when the baby was born? Jack was somewhat saddened by the notion of him and Ennis not being able to have kids. Not being able to see Ennis as a father. Jack knew to a certain degree it was his fault. Ennis would’ve had kids with Alma.

Out of the corner of his eye Jack saw Ennis crush the cigarette under his boot and stand up.

“Might as well get back to the house. Jo could use some help.”

Jack took a breath, “sure enough.”

𐚁₊⊹

Jolene was bustling through the house, sweeping what seemed like absolutely nothing, wiping doorknobs and windowsills. Ennis scoffed.

“Jo cmon. You ain’t never made a fuss over shit like this.”

Jo crossed her arms, “he’s my husband Ennis. I’ll make as big a goddamn fuss as I want to thank ya very much.” 

Jack whistled and surveyed the house, “sure is clean…” 

“Too damn clean…” Ennis retorted and Jolene put her hands on her hips as if to say, you better shut yer fat mouth.

Similar to the past few days, Jolene refused help and told the boys to sit down and be quiet. Which was obviously nearly impossible for Jack. 

“Been thinkin’ bout getting a job. At some ranch round here er something’.”

Ennis nodded, “I probably should too. Don’t like the idea of livin’ here fer free. Ain’t right.”

They heard Jolene yell from the other room, “Ennis you’re my brother! Don’t gotta pay to live here!” Then she added, “neither do you Jack!” 

Jack shouted back, “thank ya ma’am!”

Ennis rolled his eyes. Then Jolene entered the living room and groaned.

“Damn it! I forgot to get more feed fer the horses. Could you boys go out and get some?” Jolene looked at Ennis and put on an over-exaggerated smile, “I could really use the help.” 

“Ooo she got you.” Jack chuckled and Ennis smacked the back of his head. In all seriousness Ennis was very willing to help out his sister, except when it involved leaving the ranch. He had always been nervous about being in public, and it made it even worse that he was going there with Jack. Another man. 

Jack stood up and started walking towards the door and Ennis stayed seated. Fuck. It was bad enough to go to church, and now they gotta go to the grocery store? Who knows what kind of people would be there? Tire iron owners probably.

Jolene checked her watch, “better get to it buddy, Tom should be here in ‘bout an hour.” Ennis reluctantly got up and followed Jack to the entryway.

When they got in the truck— Jack on the driver’s side— Ennis immediately set to explaining what their plan was.

“We’re gonna go in, get the feed and leave. I don’t want you chatting up no store owner Jack. Don’t speak to anyone, don’t look at anyone, or I swear ta god we will no longer be sleepin’ in the same bed.” Ennis’ stomach dropped just acknowledging the fact out loud.

“Jesus cowboy… what’s got you so strung up?” Jack frowned and looked concernedly at Ennis. 

“Just fuckin’ drive Jack.” Ennis snapped, and he immediately regretted it when he saw Jack’s face. There was no response from the rodeo cowboy, just the sound of the engine roaring to life and tires against gravel as they left the driveway. 

𐚁₊⊹

The Casper grocery was a quaint building with a badly done white paint job and an equally terrible green roof. A young brunette woman welcomed them as they entered and neither of the men answered. Which was a normal occurrence for Ennis, but Jack’s usual talkative, charismatic personality took a direct hit as he kept the words, afternoon ma’am in the back of his throat.

Ennis led the way, walking down various isles until he found the one with the horse feed. He grabbed a bag, threw it over his shoulder and was about to speed his way to the checkout when he heard what sounded like two men having a heated conversation in the next isle over.

“Damn faggots gon’ take over this fuckin’ town!” One said.

“An’ you heard what pastor James was sayin’… I mean that Charlie boy is gonna be burning in hell fer sure now. Ought to do something ‘bout it…” the other responded.

“Well I would! But you know my wife. Wouldn’t hurt a fly, and certainly wouldn’t wan’ me out beatin’ the fag outta some kid… I sure would though!” The men laughed and Ennis’ blood ran cold. Jack clearly hadn’t heard them and was examining the Halloween candy the store had put out.

“Hey Ennis, d’you think Jo would mind if—” Ennis quickly shushed Jack and gestured for him to follow to the checkout counter. 

Ennis mumbled a few words to the store clerk and then was about to leave when Jack said his name.

“Looks like they got a job opening at Richard Klassen’s farm… that’s not too far is it?” Ennis rolled his eyes.

“Dunno Jack, can we get a move on?” Jack asked the clerk and started speaking to her about the potential position. Ennis just stood there and scanned their surroundings, hoping those men wouldn’t end up coming over to where he and Jack were standing. It felt like hours had passed by the time Jack was actually done talking.

“Thank you kindly ma’am. Have a good day now.” Jack smiled his charming smile and the store clerk giggled and waved as the two of them began to walk away. God could Jack go anywhere without seducing some stupid wannabe ranch wife? Ennis thought. Part of him knew it was just Jack trying to get on his nerves, and he shouldn’t pay any mind, but the other part wanted to remind him who he slept with every night.

Ennis was quiet the whole short walk to the truck. Jack whistled and then took the feed bag from him and tossed into the truck bed before getting into the passenger seat. Ennis slammed the driver’s side door and turned the key to start the vehicle.

“Shouldn’t have come here. Too many damn nosy people in this town.” He turned the car out of the grocery store parking lot.

Jack shrugged, “I got the number for the Klassen farm, might apply for the position. Could be a good thing…”

Ennis' lips pulled into a straight line, and his words were sharp, “I’m sure ya got the number of that clerk too.” 

Jack frowned, “whatcha mean?” 

Ennis kept his eyes on the road, “you just seemed awful friendly with ‘er is all…”

“I was just bein’ nice,” Jack gave a short laugh, “you’re many things Ennis, but I ain’t never seen you as a jealous man.” 

A deep scowl set itself on Ennis’ face, “the hell you mean? I ain’t jealous Twist.”

Jack put his hands up, “whatever you say…'' he was quiet for a moment before speaking again, “I am seriously thinkin’ about that job though En. It could earn me enough money to maybe get us a house, or hell, a shack, I don’t care s’long as I’m with you.”

Ennis blushed a deep red, “you are one corny sonofabitch Jack.”

“You got that right.”

𐚁₊⊹

At around 5:30 there was a knock at the door and Jolene rushed to open it. Jack and Ennis cast unsure glances at each other and stood up, walking towards the entryway. 

Tom stood with a small duffel bag slung over his shoulder. He had dark brown hair and brown eyes, similar to Jolene’s, and a dimpled smile. Jo pulled him into a hug and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Then she turned to the boys.

“Tom, you remember my brother Ennis? He was at our weddin’.” 

Recognition flashed on Tom’s face and he stepped inside, holding out his hand for Ennis to shake, “course I do! Nice ta see you again, Ennis.” 

Ennis nodded and shook his hand, mumbling, “sure ‘nough.”

Jolene gestured to Jack, “this is Ennis’ buddy Jack, they’d been workin’ up on Brokeback Mountain, down near Signal? Anyway, he’s stayin’ with us for a while.” Thomas smiled and shook Jack’s hand as well.

“I’m Thomas, nice ta meet ya Jack…?” 

Jack took Tom’s hand in a firm grip, “Twist. Nice to know you.” He smiled his wide smile. Ennis couldn’t help but think of when Jack had said those exact words to him outside Agurrie’s trailer two months ago. He smiled to himself. 

After the introductions the four of them sat down for supper, Thomas telling about his time visiting his parents, and then Jack used the phone to call the Klassen ranch about the job while Ennis stood outside having a smoke.

He heard the back door open and Jolene stepped out. She grimaced at the sight of the cigarette in Ennis’ hands.

“Wish you’d stop with those… yer gonna get sick one of these days.” 

Ennis shrugged, “we all die someday,” he took another drag, “where’s Tom?”

Jolene jerked a thumb back at the door, “he’s inside, doin’ dishes.” Ennis raised his eyebrows and whistled.

“You sure run a tight ship here sis…” Jolene laughed and patted Ennis’ shoulder.

“It’ll be yer turn tomorrow night.” Ennis chuckled at that, stomping out his cigarette and resorting to chewing a hangnail instead. 

Jolene suddenly turned and flung open the back door, yelling inside, “Jack Twist I better not be seein’ you smoking in ma house!” Then she went inside and came back with a giggling Jack on her arm, “keep that shit outside, you hear me?” 

Jack nodded vigorously, “yes ma’am.” 

Jolene chuckled and gave Jack a shove before going inside to help Thomas with the dishes.

Jack leaned against the wall beside Ennis and took a drag of his cigarette, “Richard said I start next week.” Ennis felt a bit of pride flood through him. He knew that once Jack gets set on something, he won’t stop thinking about it, so it was good the job worked out.

“Good fer you rodeo. Can finally start pullin’ yer own weight round here…” 

Jack laughed, “I don’t see you lookin’ for any jobs!” 

Ennis took the cigarette from between Jack’s fingers, and smiled, “don’t need one. If we’re gonna be livin’ together we gotta share the money Jack, what’s yers is mine.” 

That didn’t make Jack laugh, but it sure as hell made him happy, thinking of all that was possible, and knowing that Ennis was thinking of it too, “yeah?” 

Ennis looked Jack in the eye, something he hardly ever did, “yeah.”

Chapter Text

“Jack!” Ennis whisper-yelled, “Jack cmon bud you gotta get up!” The rodeo cowboy was supposed to be starting his new job today, and was about to be 15 minutes late. Jack, as usual, had gone a bit too far with the amount of beers he’d had while chatting with Thomas, and passed out in front of his and Ennis’ bedroom door the night before. 

Jack shifted and tucked his head into Ennis’ neck, giving it a soft kiss.

Ennis rolled his eyes and grabbed Jack’s shoulders, shaking him, “Jack get yer ass up now!” 

“Shit Ennis… you sure woke up on the wrong side of the bed…” Jack mumbled, his head half hidden by the pillow and his words muffled. 

Ennis suddenly ripped the sheets off Jack’s body, exposing his naked skin to the cold air and painting a scowl on his face.

“Jack yer late.”

It was as if all his thoughts finally came rushing back to him. Jack lept from the bed and threw on some clean clothes, mumbling curse words to himself, before leaning over the side of the bed and giving Ennis a quick kiss on the cheek. Ennis frowned and wiped his face.

“Don’t got time fer that Jack, if you get fired on the first day I’ll kill ya!” 

Jack, with his truck keys between his teeth, waved goodbye to Ennis and rushed out of the bedroom. Ennis flopped back on the bed and sighed. 

𐚁₊⊹

Work at the Klassen ranch wasn’t too backbreaking. There were four other hands on the property, all older than Jack, the oldest being Dean, who was fifty-six, and the youngest besides Jack being Samuel, who said he could call him Sam, and was twenty-four. The other two were William and Anthony, who were brothers and both in their early thirties.

Jack and Samuel were assigned to mend fences basically the whole day, since the pastures were in such bad shape. Jack was greatly looking forward to his hour-long lunch break.

“So Jack was it?” Samuel asked, uncoiling some fencing wire.

“Yep.”

“Yer livin’ with Jolene and her husband right? Her brother too?” 

Jack cleared his throat and finished hammering a post into the ground, “sure am. Her younger brother’s stayin’ there too, we worked together sheepherding this past summer…”

Samuel whistled, “Jolene is sure somethin’. Like ta steal her from that Tom fella…”

Jack could already tell he wasn’t going to like working with Sam. He grit his teeth and kept his mouth shut, giving no response to Samuel’s somewhat disgusting comment. Jack really did like Jo, but not in that way. Her brother on the other hand…

Jack was shook from his thoughts at the sound of Sam’s voice, “There ain’t much good bout workin’ here. Just gonna tell ya straight up Jack. Dean an’ the other boys are alright, so’s the boss, but sometimes he ain’t make the best decisions.” 

Jack frowned, keeping his eyes on his work, “why’s that?”

Sam looked around, like he wanted to make sure no one was around before he spoke, something Ennis did often.

His voice was barely audible, “rumor has it Mr. Klassen likes ta hire queers…” 

Jack swallowed, “that so?” Sam nodded in response.

“I mean, I ain’t got no confirmation, but there was this older guy workin’ here, Francis, and he seemed real nice at first, till he started getting too friendly with one o’ the brothers,” Sam spit into the grass before continuing, “course he got his teeth knocked out, was fired the next day… then I find out Klassen almost accepted that Charlie boy’s application!” Jack remembered that name from the church service, “me an’ Dean warned him about that faggot, and luckily he didn’t get chosen, good thing yer here instead I guess.”

There was a disbelieved laugh in the back of Jack’s throat, sure is! He thought.

“Well I need the work.” Jack replied dryly, he felt like Ennis with the short, boring responses he was giving. God how he missed Ennis.

Sam chuckled, “better you than him… I swear if I see that queerboy on the street I’ll be beatin’ the fuck outta him before he even hears me comin’!” Jack managed a weak smile and went back to fencing. 

𐚁₊⊹

Ennis’ morning was going shit.

Because of Jack’s absence, there was no one to save him from the awkward conversations with Tom that for some reason, kept happening. At this point he was praying for Jolene to order him to go do work out in the pastures, or the barn, or to just tell him to go take a walk, he honestly didn’t give a fuck, as long as it got him away from that man.

“So you did some work on that mountain, is that right?” Tom asked. Ennis had gone out for a smoke, and coincidentally Tom had decided to go outside as well. Ennis knew it was probably Jo that was putting the poor man up to it, she just wanted her brother and husband to get along. But it wasn’t working.

“Yes sir. Brokeback.” Ennis swore he had been asked that same question at least four times already. 

Thomas nodded, “where’s Jack from?” 

“Lightning Flat.”

“That place still exist?”

“Yep.”

“Wow. So ya’ll we’re up there what… two months?”

“‘Round that.”

It looked like a lightbulb just went off in Tom’s brain and his face lit up, “weren’t you sposed to be marryin’ in November?”

Ennis resisted the urge to put his cigarette out on Tom’s face, “not anymore…”

Tom clicked his tongue, “too bad. Jo said she was a nice girl.”

“She was.”

“So why didn’t ya marry her then?” Tom was getting dangerously close to being punched in the face. Truthfully, Ennis was trying to get better at controlling his temper, but he honestly believed anyone who talked that much and was that nosy, should be euthanized. Unless of course, that anyone was Jack.

“It’s complicated.” Ennis cursed himself for using such a laughable excuse.

“Alright. I won’t pry.” Tom chuckled and patted Ennis on the back, “I’m gonna head inside, I’m sure there’s something Jolene will need help with, she’s always takin’ on too much…”

Ennis let out a breath and stomped out his cigarette. Jack’s shift ended at 3:30, and it was only 12:45. He still had two hours to go.

He could hear Jo and Thomas having a conversation through the screen door, most likely about him. Jolene was really important to Ennis, she was there when no one else was, before he became the mismatched person he is today. He knew she was only trying to help. Even as a kid Ennis could see the worry in Jolene’s eyes every time he would get in a fight at school and be beaten to a pulp. He remembered hushed conversations between Jo and K.E.

“I’m just worried bout him. You know it’s daddy’s fault.”

“I’m doin’ just fine Jo, and so are you. It’s no one’s fault but his own.”

“I just wish I knew how to help him. He’s so quiet, K.E. Too quiet.”

She sure had been happy when Ennis had brought Jack along. Happy to see he finally had a friend. She probably wouldn’t be happy if she knew they weren’t friends, they were… something else.

 Jack being out of the house worried Ennis. What kind of people would he be with? Tire iron wielding queer bashers? Or even worse, queers themselves. Worst case scenario was Jack found someone else. Someone that isn’t afraid and doesn’t have to triple check that the door is locked before kissing him. It would be horrific if Jack died, but Ennis couldn’t bear the thought of Jack being alive and never seeing him again. Imagining him being happy with someone else made Ennis’ blood boil.

Ennis pinched the bridge of his nose and decided it was best to go out to pastures, the only place where hopefully, he wouldn’t be bothered. 

Junie was grazing in the far end of the pasture, but when she saw Ennis coming she trotted over happily. 

Ennis took a sugar cube from his pocket and offered it to the mare, who took it eagerly.

“Hey darlin’…” Ennis petted her flank gently, then gave her another sugar cube, “nothin’ much ta do round here ain’t there?” Junie whinied in agreement. 

Ennis stood there for quite some time. Trying not to let his thoughts wander too far into the, what am i doing with my life category. Then he fixed some fences, worked on taming Jolene’s new horse, and stood around some more until he saw the dust cloud and knew that Jack was back. 

Jack opened the drivers side door and stepped out, twirling the keys around his finger. 

By that point Ennis was already standing on the front porch, pretending he didn’t care. Like he wasn’t desperate for the man’s touch since he’d left that morning. 

Jack smiled ear to ear as he walked up the porch steps, “hey cowboy.”

Ennis couldn’t hold back his own grin, mumbling, “shut up…” he took out a cigarette and lit up, “how was work?”

The face cracking smile faded and Jack answered, “absolutely fuckin’ terrible. Hate everyone there. Just wanted to come home…” home. Jack hadn’t called it that before. It wasn’t wrong, Ennis thought, he had been staying there for almost a month. 

“Well, ya gotta do it rodeo…” 

Jack nodded, “guess so. God, wish I didn’t have to though…” he came closer to Ennis, a hint of a smirk on his face, “then I could just stay with you all day.” his hands ran up Ennis’ sides and Ennis pushed them away, looking through the window into the house and seeing Jolene in the kitchen.

“Jack, Jo could see…” Ennis made weak attempts at keeping Jack at a safe distance. 

“Missed you…” Jack murmured, mouthing along Ennis’ jawline and playing with his belt. Ennis breathed hard through his nose, trying to keep himself together. 

“Fuckin’ hell Jack…” he took once last glance at the window and saw that Jolene was headed towards the office. Tom could still be around though. Ennis grabbed Jack by the sleeves of his shift and switched their positions, slamming Jack against the side of the house and making him groan.

Immediately their lips met and Jack was whimpering into every kiss, grabbing at Ennis’ hips to pull him closer. 

Jack gasped for breath and said, “we should go somewhere.”

Ennis gave a vigorous nod and looked around, tucking his shirt back in. It was too dangerous to go to their room or the bathroom, and Ennis had no idea where Tom was, so the barn was risky. Then suddenly an idea popped into his head. He grabbed Jack’s hand and led him over to the truck.

“Get in.”

Jack grinned and nodded, hurriedly getting in the passenger side, shaking with excitement.

“Where we goin’ cowboy?”

“Y’know that place in the woods I took you to bout a week ago?”

Jack nodded.

“Thought It’d be a good time to show ya around.”

𐚁₊⊹

The wheels of the truck screeched to a halt and within seconds of the engine being turned off Ennis was on Jack. Their teeth clacked and their noses bumped together, but it didn’t matter to either of them. What mattered was impossible closeness. Something they would always want but could never reach. 

Ennis had a fist in Jack’s hair and a hand clenching the front of his shirt. Jack was breathing heavily and whimpering beneath him, grabbing at all of Ennis that he could reach.

“Ennis… can’t wait any longer.” 

Ennis pulled back with a huff, “in the truck Jack? We barely got any room, someone could come alo—” jack cut him off.

“Ain’t nobody comin’ back here bud. We’re okay…”

It’s alright, it’s alright.

Jack looked up at him with so much adoration in his eyes, Ennis thought he would explode. He nodded and kissed Jack again, fumbling with shirt buttons and belt buckles. 

Ennis got Jack’s shirt off, throwing it into the footwell and running appreciative palms over Jack’s chest. He slid down Jack’s body and pressed kisses just above his belt, causing the rodeo cowboy to squirm and clutch at Ennis’ shoulders.

“Hurry the fuck up Ennis.” Despite how desperate Jack was, he did enjoy how Ennis was taking time with him, surveying his body. Like it was valuable. Like he could never get enough of touching it, of kissing it. Like Jack was sculpted by God himself.

Ennis sat up, straddling Jack’s hips. He then hastily unbuttoned and threw his shirt to the side. He was back on top of Jack in a moment, smothering him with his whole body. He could feel Jack’s fingers dipping below his waistband, tugging him closer. 

Trembling hands reached for Jack’s belt and unbuckled it. Jack did the same.

Shame flooded through Ennis. You shouldn’t be doing this. It’s a sin. Think of what your daddy would say. He sat up, his eyes closed and his breathing shaky. It was never this bad on the mountain. But then again, he had never fucked Jack face to face, and that’s what it looked like they needed to do. There wasn’t enough room in the single cab truck. Ennis took a deep breath and tried to will the thoughts away.

Jack frowned a little, “you doin’ okay cowboy? Ain’t gotta do this…”

Ennis shook his head and kissed Jack slowly, pulling his belt through the loops and tossing it to join the other discarded clothing items in the footwell. They both shimmied themselves out of their pants and boxers, giggling because it was cramped and a little difficult. 

“Yer so beautiful…” Jack said softly, looking up into deep brown eyes. Ennis blushed and shook his head. Normally, Jack saying something like that would bother him. No man should be calling another man beautiful. But for some reason he didn’t mind it.

“You more than me darlin’.” 

Jack had tears in his eyes. He never once imagined this is the life he would have. Sure, it was the one he wanted, but it had been embedded in him by his father that sissies like Jack didn’t get what they wanted. Well fuck John Twist because Jack had never wanted anything more than the man above him.

As the tears fell Ennis wiped them away and kissed Jack’s cheeks. 

“I’m here.”

Jack nodded and pulled Ennis down for a bruising kiss. He groaned as Ennis pushed inside him and began a rhythm. Looking into Jack’s eyes was like looking into pools of diamonds. Ennis didn’t know why he stopped himself from wanting it this way. Seeing Jack’s face while they did this made it so much more intimate. Ennis found that he couldn’t look away.

The truck cab was small, and Jack’s head was pressed uncomfortably against the inside of the door, but he didn’t really care. His heels dug into Ennis’ lower back, wanting, needing him closer because he was determined to never forget this moment. 

Ennis peppered kisses all of Jack’s face, chest, and took one of his hands that were clutching Ennis’ shoulders, pressing a kiss to the palm. 

Jack’s breathing was labored, he was moaning and whining with every movement inside him. Ennis’ left marks all over Jack’s chest, ones that could be covered of course, and ran his hands through his hair. Murmured words and terms of endearment brushed Jack’s ears and he felt more tears fill his eyes with the feeling of just how much he loved this man.

Ennis gathered Jack up in his arms and shook as he came, Jack finishing seconds later and probably digging permanent nail marks into Ennis’ skin. 

They lay still and boneless for quite some time. Ennis often fell right to sleep after sex, and now his eyes were drooping as his head rested on Jack’s chest. Jack stroked his hair and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“Gotta stay awake cowboy… it’ll be gettin’ dark soon.”

“Mhff.” 

Jack chuckled and kissed Ennis’ forehead again. His watch read 5:42, which meant Jolene was probably preparing supper and wondering where they were. Jack lightly tapped Ennis’ back, “kay En time ta get up.” 

Ennis grunted and pushed himself up onto his elbows, kissing Jack slowly and mumbling softly, “thank you…” Jack nodded in understanding. 

The pair of them eventually got their clothes back on and Ennis began to drive them back home. Jack twined their fingers together and kissed the back of Ennis’ hand. And this time Ennis didn’t look around before allowing Jack to hold his hand.

𐚁₊⊹

“So where were you boys?” Jolene asked over dinner.

Ennis froze with his fork halfway to his mouth and looked to Jack for an answer. 

Jack cleared his throat and wiped his mouth with his napkin, which Ennis had never seen him do before, (Jack was a very messy eater) “we uh- got the wrong feed fer the horses, had to run out an’ get the right bag.” Jo seemed to accept the reply and went back to eating.

Tom spoke up, “what’d ya’ll really do up on that mountain? I mean a’course ya looked after the sheep, but y’know, what did you do fer fun? Musta been mighty borin’.”

Jack smirked and Ennis kicked him under the table.

“Drank whiskey mostly…” Ennis responded. Tom laughed and took a sip of his beer.

“I hear that.”

Jolene turned to Jack and smiled, “Jack, how’s yer first day at the new job?” Jack sighed and rubbed his forehead.

“Pretty shi— I mean bad. Guys there aren’t the nicest but guess I gotta put up with it.” He didn’t mention the fact that he’d had to calm himself down so he wouldn’t punch Samuel in the face after what he’d said about Jo. 

Jolene had a pitying look on her face, “I understand. It’s been that way fer me before too. Turns out when yer a young woman workin’ on an all man owned and operated ranch people aren’t all sunshine and rainbows…”

Jack eyes widened, “you worked on a ranch? I mean— excuse my ignorance ma’am, but they let you? Didn’t think women were allowed to…”

Jo sighed, “it was for one of Tom’s daddy’s friends, said he could use a “nice strong woman on the team of hands”, which I came to find out he jus’ wanted me ‘round to give the other guys somethin’ to look at.” 

That made Ennis angry. Anyone who knew Jolene was aware that she wasn’t one to be put in a box. She was hardworking, disciplined, smart, not some little girl who stood around watching the men work. 

“Well that’s bullshit Jo. Shouldn’t a had to deal with that…” Ennis said, keeping his eyes on his plate.

Jolene smiled, “thank you Ennis.” 

𐚁₊⊹

As Ennis lay in bed that night he thought about his and Jack’s future. Where would they live? What would they do for money? If they were going to start a cattle business they’d need the money, and Jack’s current job definitely wasn’t going to supply that. Maybe Jack could go back to the rodeo? But Ennis decided he didn’t like the idea of Jack getting thrown from a giant bucking bull. He felt Jack shift beside him.

“I know yer thinkin’ En… go to sleep…” 

He sighed and kissed Jack’s shoulder, closing his eyes and letting his mind go quiet.

Chapter Text

Jack shivered. The early October weather was catching on quickly, meaning that all the hands at the Klassen’s would be working overtime to get the ranch ready for the colder conditions arriving.

 “Hey Twist!” William, who was probably Jack’s least favorite coworker, strode over to where he was cleaning out the horse stalls.

Jack leant his shovel on the wall of the stall and turned around to face the man, “hey William, need help with somethin’?” 

“Nah. Not really, just got a question, that's all.” William had a strange, devilish look on his face that made Jack uneasy.

Jack swallowed, nodding his head, “go ahead, shoot.” He hadn’t noticed earlier, but William’s brother, Anthony, was leaning against the barn door, his arms crossed.

“Who’s that fella that picks ya up everyday? We seen him round, can’t quite put a finger on the name though…” there was almost a mocking tone in his voice and Jack’s stomach dropped. Jolene had asked Ennis to drop Jack off and pick him up before and after work so Ennis didn’t have to borrow her truck during the day. Despite Ennis’ initial reluctance, he agreed. At the present moment, Jack was wishing he hadn’t. 

Anthony and William had seemed nice enough at the start of the job, but over time Jack had learned more about his coworkers and their dislike of fags. If they even got a hint Ennis was more than his friend, he was done for.

“Ennis? He’s Jolene’s brother. Drives me so Jolene don’t gotta lend him her truck.” Even though it wasn’t a lie, Jack felt shameful not being fully transparent about his and Ennis’ relationship. He wasn’t disgusted by himself.

William nodded, his smirk still present, “mkay… see it’s funny, cause me an’ Tony were thinkin’ you were some sorta faggot fucker. Ennis don’t seem that type, but ya never know…” 

Fuck.

Jack put on his best disgusted scowl and spoke without a shake in his voice, “the hell I ain’t, Ennis neither. An’ you gotta lot a nerve accusing me of shit like that.” His heart hurt saying something like that, knowing what he knew. But as Ennis had told him a few mornings ago, “it has ta be done.”

Just then Dean, who was quiet but well spoken, walked through the barn door, his gloves in one hand and a shovel in the other. He had a hard frown on his face.

 “Will! Tony! Get the fuck back to work, quit botherin’ everybody. Klassen’s gonna fire you one o’ these days and it’ll be yer own damn fault.” 

Anthony pushed off the doorway and gestured for William to follow him as he left the barn, cursing Dean up and down under his breath.

When both of the brothers had left, Dean turned to Jack.

“They’re assholes, don’t worry bout it kid…” he pulled his gloves on and walked a few stalls down, grabbing his own shovel off the ground. Jack was taken aback. Though Dean hadn’t been overly enthusiastic during the queer bashing conversations, Jack thought he’d at least agree silently. 

Well shit s’long as he’s here I might just be alright.

Jack had never been so wrong.

𐚁₊⊹

A few days later Ennis was having breakfast alone, neither Tom nor Jolene were up yet, and since it was a Sunday, Jack was also sound asleep.

Little did Jack know, Ennis had been looking at ranch properties advertised in the newspaper recently. There were two in Montana he was particularly keen on, and one in Texas. Personally, Ennis despised Texas. He’d never been, but he just knew what kind of ranch folk lived there. Rich ones. The booming cattle operations, constant everyday rodeos, livestock shows, he got a headache just thinking of the place. But he knew Jack liked, no, loved the idea of living in Texas, so he’d kept an eye out. 

Ennis was in no hurry to leave his sister’s house, in fact, he felt more welcome there than anywhere else. It was Jack he was worried about. He’d been particularly quiet when Tom had asked him how work was going, and Ennis knew what that meant. He’d been predicting it. If something were to happen, not only would they have to have somewhere to go, they’d need to get out of there before Ennis killed someone for laying a finger on Jack. 

Unfortunately, Jack’s job was producing nowhere near the amount of money to buy a regular house let alone a ranch with 100 acres. But Ennis had decided it’s the thought that counts.

He heard the stairs creak and turned his head to see Jack, clad in a white t-shirt and sleep pants, rubbing his eyes as he shuffled into the kitchen.

His sleep clogged voice was barely audible, “mornin’…”

Ennis couldn’t hold back a chuckle at the state of Jack, his hair mussed and still in his pjs, “mornin’… you okay bud?”

Jack grumbled and took a seat at the table beside Ennis, “m just glad I don’t gotta work today. Can’t take those assholes even on a full night’s sleep…”

Ennis grunted and turned his attention back to the newspaper. He felt Jack’s head come to rest on his shoulder and he stiffened.

“Jack. It isn’t safe.” His eyes were still on the newspaper.

He heard the man sigh and reluctantly move to rest his head on his hands. 

“They’re getting suspicious En. Guys at work I mean.” Jack spoke quietly. At first he hadn’t wanted Ennis to know, it would mean him drifting away again, becoming more distant when his fears were refreshed.

Ennis looked him in the eyes, “you ain’t been stickin’ to the story?” His voice was hard and accusatory. Jack scoffed at the tone.

“I have Ennis. Gotta say though, I don’t like havin’ to hide myself all the time. I sure as hell ain’t ashamed.” 

“Ashamed a what? You said you weren’t queer.” 

Jack eyes narrowed at that, “oh fuck you Ennis. You know full well what I am, and I definitely know what the fuck you are.” He jabbed a finger at Ennis.

Ennis felt a surge of anger rise in him, “don’t you dare Jack fuckin’ Twist. I ain’t a goddamn faggot. I ain’t like you.”

Jack stood up, Ennis did too. “Oh sure, cause that’s why you can’t get enough of fucking me every single night, I hate to tell ya this bud, but that makes you a faggot.” Jack regretted the words right after he’d said them. Partly because he felt bad for calling Ennis a faggot, and partly because the right hook he received hurt like a bitch and nearly flung him across the room. 

He hit the floor hard and immediately felt the tears sting his eyes. He cursed himself for it. Don’t cry. Don’t cry in front of Ennis goddamnit. Ennis hadn’t hit him since Brokeback and he definitely hadn’t been expecting it. They’d been good recently. At least that’s what Jack thought. 

Ennis stood above him, breathing hard and rubbing his busted knuckles, trying to keep himself together, to keep himself from beating Jack to a pulp.

“Go to hell Ennis Del Mar.” Jack’s voice was steady and cold as he stood back up, rubbing his bruising cheekbone and hurrying back upstairs.

Ennis didn’t know what to do, so he just stood there. 

After Brokeback he had vowed to himself never to hit Jack again. He couldn’t take the look in his eyes, and throwing the punch hurt almost as much as receiving one, despite the amount of practice Ennis had. He remembered the conversation after their first night together.

You know I ain’t queer.

Me neither.

That moment felt so far away. Almost like it hadn’t happened. Brokeback had seemed like a different world. A place where whispered words and loving endearments were vowed to secrecy, never to be spoken of again. Ennis had been comfortable then. Queer hadn’t seemed more than a word. He and Jack weren’t queer. They were just bored horny teenagers and there weren’t any women around. That’s all it was. All it had been.

But down in the real world, queer was real. There were women around. There was no excuse to be fucking another man. Enjoying fucking another man. No reason to be shacked up with your herding partner when marriage was to be prioritized.

Ennis held his head in his hands. Why the fuck had he hit Jack? 

𐚁₊⊹

Jack didn’t speak to Ennis for the rest of the day, just flipped him off when he’d tried to apologize. That night Ennis slept on the couch.

The next morning Jack left for work without a word to Jo or Ennis, who were having breakfast. He silently pulled on his boots and moments later Ennis heard his truck start up. 

Jolene frowned, “somethin’ wrong?” She had noticed how cold Jack had been the day before, but had pinned it on his dislike for his job. She knew Ennis and Jack were close, they spent every waking— and unwaking because of the sleeping situation— moment together. 

Ennis shrugged.

Jolene rolled her eyes, “Ennis cmon. Did y’all have some sorta fight? If he’s yer friend he’ll come ‘round. Just apologize.”

“Ain’t that simple.”

Jo took a sip of her coffee and frowned, “Sure it is. You won’t just stop bein’ friends from one argument.” 

Ennis wanted to tell her. He wished he could tell her. He had no idea what her reaction would be. They were raised by the same daddy. The same man that made sure his sons would never turn out to be what Ennis probably was. He remembered his mama being against what his dad had shown him and K.E. Maybe Jolene was too. But it was too dangerous to take that risk.

“Jack’s a stubborn asshole. It’ll take more than an apology to bring ‘im back this time.”

If he comes back.

“Well, still gotta try Ennis. You can’t just let a person as important to you as Jack slip away because you got in a stupid argument. I seen how much happier you are. Don’t want you to lose that, little brother.” Jolene reached across the table and squeezes Ennis’ hand.

“Now go get some shit done. You’ve wasted too much time mopin’ here.” Jolene stood and began to clear up the plates, waving Ennis off when he tried to help.

There was still so much work to be done before winter, and it was going much slower now that Jack had a full time job. Ennis brushed all the horses down and filled their water troughs, he swept the stables, he even hosed down Jolene’s truck. By the time he had done all that, Jack’s shift was over. But he still hadn’t come home.

Ennis checked his watch for what seemed like the 1000th time, only to see that five minutes had passed. 

He’s just being an over dramatic sonofabitch. Ennis thought, but then decided that he really wasn’t. Ennis had punched him in the face. That’s the second time since they’d met. Who was he to be feeling sorry for himself? Jack was the one that should be upset. The constant hot and cold between the two of them was probably driving him insane.

When time ticked steadily past 4:30, and Jack was officially an hour late, Ennis was worried. He gave one last sweep of the barn and went back to the house, beelining it for the phone to call the Klassen ranch. 

Jolene was already there, worry in her voice as she spoke quietly into the receiver.

“Yes. Yes I understand. We’ll be there as quickly as possible. Thank you.” She hung up and grabbed her purse from the table, jumping when she saw Ennis standing in the doorway. 

“The hell’s goin’ on Jo?” Ennis’ stomach was a clenched fist.

She took a deep breath, clutching her purse in her hands, “Ennis. Listen to me. There’s been… an accident. Somethin’s happened at the ranch, he’s—” Jolene was shaking and she pressed a hand to her mouth. 

Ennis felt like she was going to throw up. This couldn’t be happening. All those fears were true. The tire irons, sneaking up on him when he least expected, the blood, Jack left to die. Jack.

“Where the fuck is he?” Ennis’ voice quavered with both anger and terror. 

“He’s still at the ranch, the ambulance ain’t gonna get there in time… we have to get him, Ennis.”

His whole world was crashing down. Not going to get there in time? In time for what? There was no way any of it was real. The next few minutes were a blur and suddenly Ennis was in Jolene’s truck, speeding down the gravel roads. This was all his fault. Hell, the last time he’d spoken to Jack was to call him a faggot, and then give him the punch of a lifetime. Jolene didn’t even know about him and Jack. Though he’d bet she had suspicions. Ennis was trying so hard not to cry. He needed to hit something. He bit his lip until it bled and picked at a hangnail on his thumb, fighting the urge to open the truck door and roll out. He was sure Jolene was speaking to him, but everything sounded like it was underwater. 

Finally, they screeched to a halt in front of the Klassen house and Ennis immediately jumped out the truck, sprinting to the front door, Jolene following close behind.

Jolene tried the door knob and it was locked.

“Open the fucking door!” Ennis had never seen her so mad. Seconds later a scruffy looking bearded man opened the door and ushered them both inside. 

“Where is he?” Ennis asked through clenched teeth, scanning the entryway and not seeing any sign of Jack.

“Upstairs,” the man grunted.

Within seconds Ennis was leaning over Jack’s crumpled body in the guest bedroom. Ennis was told by whom he assumed was Mrs. Klassen, that Samuel, one of the other hands had found him in the barn, lying on his back and coughing up blood. It clearly hadn’t been an accident.

Jack didn’t look at all like himself. It was just like in his nightmares. His face was bruised and covered in blood, his eyes swollen shut, Ennis had to look away so he wouldn’t pass out. What was he going to do without him?

“‘Nnis? You there?” His voice was ragged and barely audible, it broke Ennis’ heart.

“‘M here darlin’… I’m so sorry…” he wiped a singular tear and took Jack’s hand gently, “we’re gonna get you home ok?”

“Mkay…” 

“Are you gonna stay awake fer me?” Ennis bit his lip to keep a sob back.

“Mhm…” Jack managed a nod and then his hand went limp in Ennis’. Ennis nearly threw up. This can’t be happening.

Jolene helped Ennis carry Jack to the truck, and they laid him down in the back row as gently as possible. Ennis sat in the back with Jack’s head in his lap, stroking his hair. He didn’t care if Jolene saw. Not this time.

On the drive to the hospital Ennis grew increasingly nervous. What would happen if Jack died? If he went into a coma? Ennis didn’t have the money to pay to keep him alive. He couldn’t fathom how he could live without Jack. He didn’t think there was much point in living. Not being able to wake up next to his smiling, blue eyed face everyday, never hearing his exaggerated rodeo stories again. Beneath the nervousness there was anger. Pure, hot, seething anger. Ennis swore to himself he would find the person that did this.

“Jo, I’m gonna kill that motherfucker.”

Jolene craned her head to look at him, a serious look in her eyes, “not if I do it first.”

Chapter Text

Sitting in the emergency room was hell. It was loud and crowded, babies were crying, people were being rushed away on stretchers, Ennis couldn’t take it. 

Jolene had a gentle grip on his arm. She had already called Thomas to tell him the news. He’d left work as soon as he’d heard and was on his way to the hospital. 

Three nurses had come up to Ennis and asked if they could get him anything. He didn’t reply. He couldn’t reply. Jo had to answer for him. He held a cup of water in his shaking hand, which was half empty because he’d already spilt it twice. 

The doctor came up to them and spoke with Jolene, Ennis tried his best to listen, but all he could think about was how bad Jack had looked. And how foul he had been to him that morning. It was nearly 7:00pm.

“So Jack has what we call an intracranial hematoma, which basically means there is a blood clot pressing his brain and stopping it from getting the oxygen it needs,” the doctor cleared his throat and flipped through the papers on his clipboard, “they can range from mild to severe, and unfortunately, Jack’s is of the severe variety…” Ennis heard Jolene let out a small gasp.

He continued, “he is in critical condition at the moment, we are doing the best we can. We will keep you updated Mr and Mrs. Del Mar.” Jo nodded and Ennis felt the grip on his arm tighten.

Ennis felt vomit rise in his throat. The reality of losing Jack was closing in on Ennis, suffocating him, pressing down on his body. He had blood on him. He hadn’t noticed it before. It was Jack’s. 

Thomas came rushing down the hallway and Jo stood up to pull him into a hug.

Ennis let the water cup drop from his hand. He was sick of holding it anyway. Jolene turned around and lay a hand against his back.

Tears finally rolled down his cheeks and he wiped them away quickly, “Jo I can’t lose him. I can’t.” Jolene rubbed his back and nodded.

“I know… I know.” Ennis understood. Jo had caught on. She knew that there wasn’t just a friendship between him and Jack. She’d probably known for ages, “we just gotta hang on, ok Ennis? They can’t promise anything.” That scared him. There were so many things he hadn’t done with Jack. So many things he hadn’t said. He regretted every time they’d ever fought, every time he’d shrugged off the affection. All he wanted now was to hold him.

Hours passed and the three of them had been told by multiple nurses to go home and sleep, but Ennis refused. There was no way he was leaving without Jack.

“Ennis, you need to rest, get a fresh change of clothes. We’ll come back first thing in the morning, I promise.” Jolene spoke gently, like she was trying to calm a spooked horse.

Ennis looked down at his bloodstained shirt and jeans. A change of clothes didn’t matter when Jack could be dead by the time they got back. He shook his head and Jolene sighed. She said a few quiet words to Tom and then turned back to Ennis.

“I hafta go home, Ennis, do a few things round the ranch. You know I hate to leave. Tom’s gonna stay here for a bit.” She patted Ennis’ back and grabbed her purse from the chair, walking down the hallway towards the elevator.

Thomas took Jolene’s spot beside Ennis and leaned back in the chair.  

“Jack’s a good guy. Dunno who would wanna do this to ‘im…” 

Ennis did. Probably all those fuckers at the Klassen ranch. And was going to find out which one, no doubt about it.

“He got any family? Anyone who’d wanna know this happened?” 

The thought of meeting the feared John Twist made Ennis uneasy. Sure he had family, but he wasn’t sure if his daddy would care enough to come all the way from Lightning Flat. 

“He’s an only child… just got his parents.”

Thomas nodded along, “should we call ‘em?”

Ennis checked his watch, it was almost one in the morning. But he’d guessed they could still call, he knew if he was a parent he’d want to know what happened, no matter the time.

“Guess so… don’t got their number. We’ll hafta wait till he wake up…” if. Ennis corrected himself. If he wakes up. Thomas just nodded again and was quiet after that. 

Jolene was back soon enough. She brought food, even though there was a cafeteria downstairs. Ennis wasn’t hungry, but he was grateful anyway. He sure as hell was tired though. Still not tired enough to go home, but tired enough to sleep in the uncomfortable hospital chair. When he woke up it was because of Jo shaking him.

“Go home Ennis. Get some rest. Please.” There was such a pleading look in her eyes that Ennis just couldn’t say no.

With some persuasion Jolene let Ennis drive himself home. He went straight to his and Jack’s bedroom and laid down. It felt strange without Jack’s warm body beside him. They almost always fell asleep cuddled together, usually with Ennis laying his head on Jack’s chest. There was no chance he was getting any sleep. So he decided to have a shower.

Ennis didn’t want to wash Jack’s blood off. He knew it was crazy, knew that it was disgusting. But it was the only part of Jack he had at the moment and it was driving him insane. Surely if Jack did end up dying he would regret taking that shower. 

This is fuckin’ stupid, Ennis thought. So he got under the warm water and scrubbed at his skin, under his nails, his hair. He watched the blood run down the drain and it was just all too much. This shouldn’t be happening. Jack should be laying in their bed, waiting for Ennis to return and hold him close. 

He slid down the wall of the shower and sat there, feeling the spray of water on his back. He began to cry. Ennis rarely cried. He didn’t even cry when his parents died, he’d just felt numb. 

It was so unfair. It should’ve been him, not Jack. Jack was too happy, too full of life. Ennis was an asshole and a pussy who was too scared to know what he wanted. He couldn’t stand the thought of Jack being an empty space in his life because he knew he would never be able to fill it again. Jack was the only one who could stand his bullshit.

After a while of sobbing he got out of the shower, promptly threw up in the sink, and went back to their bedroom. 

Sleep didn’t come easy, and when it did it was restless. 

Ennis tossed and turned, finding nothing to grab at, no one to stop his shifting around. He ended up accepting his fate and laying awake till the morning.

𐚁₊⊹

At exactly five o’clock in the morning Ennis got out of bed and dressed himself in fresh clothes, not bothering to eat any breakfast, and ran out the front door to Jolene’s truck. 

He could curse himself for such reckless driving, but in the moment he didn’t care. Jack was either dead or alive so there was no way Ennis was going to drive the speed limit.

Jolene greeted him at the front entrance to the hospital with a tired smile on her face and eyes swollen from no sleep. Ennis realized that her and Tom had been at the hospital the whole night.

“You look like shit.” Jolene said as they were walking to the elevator.

“Can say the same ta you… where’s Jack? How’s he doin’?” 

Jolene’s smile faded and she sighed, “dunno yet. Told the doctor we wanted to wait to hear the news until you got here…” 

Ennis chewed a hangnail as they waited in the same spot they had the night before. It was calmer than it had been, less yelling, more peaceful chatter. He saw the doctor coming down the hallway towards them and tensed. 

“Okay, I’m guessing you just wanna hear the news quick and done with so ya’ll can breathe, am I right?” 

Jolene nodded and answered, “that would be great Dr. Fletcher.”

Ennis watched anxiously as Dr. Fletcher flipped through his papers until he found the one he was looking for.

“Ok good news, he will make a full recovery,” Ennis felt like he would throw up for the fifteenth time that day. But from relief instead of mind crushing worry, “bad news, he’s still unconscious and we’ll have to keep ‘im here for a few days, maybe more if he doesn’t wake soon enough.” 

Ennis had to resist the urge to start crying on the spot. It was so overwhelming, so many different emotions in less than 24 hours. He felt Jolene’s hand on his shoulder and heard her thank Dr. Fletcher, and then he cried.

Jolene patted his back and ruffled his hair before standing up, “well me and Thomas are shit tired, gonna go home and get some rest… you’re ok here?”

Ennis nodded, “mhm. I wanna… want to be here when he wakes up.” He didn’t meet Jo’s eyes.

She just gave an understanding nod and took Tom by the arm, leading him down the hallway. Ennis wasn’t sure if Jo had told Tom, or if it was something that should be kept from him, either way he didn’t care. He vowed to himself to be as affectionate with Jack as possible when he woke up. 

A nurse with the name tag Carlene told Ennis he could sit in Jack’s room if he wanted and he immediately obliged. 

The chair in Jack’s room was a lot more comfortable than the one in the hallway, and Ennis wondered why they couldn’t have a half decent waiting room.

The steady beep of the EKG machine was both comforting and unsettling. Comforting in the sense that it meant Jack was still alive, unsettling because it could stop beeping at any moment, and the space between each beep set Ennis on edge.

Jack looked slightly better than yesterday. The swelling in his face had gone down a little, he had bandages around the top of his head, Ennis could see the stitches poking out, and a few bandaged cuts on his arms. It felt kind of awkward to be just sitting there, listening to the beeping of the machine and watching Jack’s chest rise and fall. He wanted to touch him. Wanted to kiss him. Wanted to tell him everything was going to be alright and how sorry he was for the previous morning.

Ennis scooched his chair closer to the bed and gently took Jack’s hand.

“Hey bud… I know ya probably can’t hear me, but if you can, I just wanted to let you know that I—” he bit his lip and used his free hand to wipe at his eyes, “I’m so sorry Jack… so fuckin’ sorry darlin’… should never have laid a finger on you, I wasn’t bein’ fair…” he pressed a kiss to Jack’s palm and set his hand back down on the bed.

Ennis sat there for a while. There wasn’t anything else to do, his life quite literally had revolved around Jack for the past four and a half months. At around 5:00pm Jolene came back and sat beside Ennis’ in Jack’s room. Ennis kept nodding off and Jolene insisted he go home and try and get more sleep but once again he refused,

“‘M not leavin’ him Jolene.” Ennis hardly ever called Jo by her full name, except when he needed to get his point across.

Jolene sighed, rubbing her forehead, “I’m at least gonna go get us some coffees… you haven’t slept for almost two days Ennis.” Ennis watched as she left the room.

He leaned back in his chair, debating whether or not to get a bag of chips from the vending machine. Just as he was about to get up he heard a murmur.

“Ennis…?” The voice was croaky and quiet, but it was Jack’s. Ennis felt tears well in his eyes and his chest tighten.

“‘M here Jack… I’m here darlin’…” he took Jack’s hand and rubbed gentle circles with his thumb.

“Yer here…” a wide smile fixed itself on Jack’s face and tears streamed down his cheeks. Just the sight of him with his beautiful eyes open gave Ennis a lump in his throat.

Ennis took in a deep breath, his eyes on the floor, trying to gather his words into a sentence that made even a little bit of sense, “Jack, I thought you were gone, I thought I’d never see you again, god I never should’ve hit you, I’m so sorry, I—” he fiddled with a thread on his pants, “I love you.”

He heard Jack draw in a breath, saw more tears fill his eyes, “you serious?” 

“Course I am. You think I’d lie about shit like that? Took some thinkin’… bout how I was gonna say it.” Ennis looked up and saw that Jack was borderline sobbing and panicked, “oh don’t cry darlin’,” he leant over and wiped Jack’s tears, “didn’t mean to make you upset, shit, I’m sorr—” Jack cut him off.

“I love you too. God Ennis I waited so long for you to say it.” 

Ennis blushed, a little embarrassed, “right,” a small smile crept its way onto his face, “I should probably tell the doc yer awake then…” Jack couldn’t wipe the grin off his face.

Jolene was back by the time Dr. Fletcher was finished his checks and gave Jack his medication.

He explained about the pain and how he “can never be too careful.” Jack just nodded and eagerly took the medication, “you might also be a little out of it after taking the meds, sleepy and confused. You should be out of here in a couple days.”

Ennis muttered a “thank you” as Dr. Fletcher left and relaxed into his chair, closing his eyes. Jack frowned.

“You been gettin’ any sleep cowboy?”

“Whaddaya think? You’ve been in the hospital Jack. Hell no I ain’t been gettin’ any sleep. Ain’t gonna leave you here…”

Jolene giggled, “he ain’t lyin’ neither. I practically begged him to go home. Bet he didn’t even sleep then…” Ennis ignored her and pulled his hat down over his eyes.

“I’ll just sleep here…” 

Jack rolled his eyes, “cmon Ennis. You can’t sleep here. That chair’s probably uncomfortable as hell.”

“Better than the ones in the hallway…”

Jack shook his head, adamant, “nah. You are not sleepin’ here Ennis Del Mar. You’ve been here fer too long. I’ll be home in two days anyway.”

Ennis opened his mouth to object but was interrupted when he saw a surly looking police officer enter the room. 

“I hate ta interrupt, but Mr. Twist, we’re gonna need a full description of yer attackers, an’ what you think brought this assault on. Again, I hate to interrupt but it’s protocol.” Jolene muttered something about getting another coffee and slipped out.

Ennis looked to Jack who looked pale and nervous and was fiddling with the bed sheets. 

“I know who they were, officer. Two fellas I worked with, William and Anthony…” Jack paused and swallowed, what brought the attack on? He knew what, but knew he couldn’t say, “dunno to be honest with ya… guess they didn’t like me in the first place, not very friendly folk…” 

The officer nodded and wrote down what Jack had said. They talked more about what the men looked like and then he left, thanking Jack for his time.

Ennis had almost, almost forgotten about why Jack was in this position to begin with, and his previous fury reappeared.

“Those fuckers are gonna burn in hell Jack, I promise you.” Ennis spoke with clenched fists.

Jack scoffed, “sure they’d say the same thing to me… I ain’t scared of ‘em En. Yeah, they hurt me, but it won’t happen again, far as I’m concerned.

Ennis was in no position to argue, let alone with Jack, so he accepted the response and just muttered something like, damn cowards don’t know who the fuck they’re messin’ with. 

Jack was tired after that, his meds had finally set in, so he went to sleep and Ennis stayed, loosely holding Jack’s hand in his own. Jolene came back with two new coffees and told Ennis that Tom was “holding down the ranch.” 

“Let’s just hope the house hasn’t burnt down by the time we get back…” Jolene took a sip of her coffee.

Ennis chuckled.

Jolene cleared her throat, “Jack’s real special to you… ain’t he?” Ennis let out a breath and nodded, “you don’t have to hide it from me Ennis. Or Tom. We ain’t… you know what I mean…”

Ennis nodded again and gave Jo a small smile.

“We should go home, get some rest. Jack will be here tomorrow, you can visit the whole day if you’d like.” Ennis thought about it, and agreed, because truth was, he was fucking tired.

He shook Jack’s shoulder gently, making him stir and open an eye.

“I’m gonna go darlin’… you gonna be ok here?” 

Jack nodded sleepily and reached up for a kiss. Ennis was hesitant. Jolene was still in the room. But then again, she had just told him he didn’t need to hide anything. So he leant down and kissed Jack slowly, cupping his jaw. Jack reciprocated and reached up a shaky hand to tangle in Ennis’ curls.

“See you in the mornin’…” he turned to leave then felt Jack grab his hand.

His bright blue eyes were barely open and his voice was sleepy, “Love you Ennis.”

“Love you too.”

Chapter Text

As expected, two days after Jack’s incident he was allowed to go home. Dr. Fletcher had prescribed pain medication and given him orders of bed rest for at least a week, so as to not irritate the stitches or cause himself another brain bleed. There was no way Jack was going to follow those guidelines. Ennis was being his equivalent of a helicopter parent and to say it was pissing Jack off was an understatement.

“Be careful bud…” Jack hung onto Ennis’ arm as he rose from the hospital bed, already changed into his normal clothes and ready to get a move on.

“Ennis I ain’t a toddler. I can walk by myself.” Nevertheless he held on for dear life as his legs shook and he nearly fell over.

Ennis quickly wrapped an arm around Jack’s waist to hold him up, “just don’t want you gettin’ hurt,” he said quietly and Jack felt his heart swell. As much as he hated the constant worry, Ennis had been more affectionate, and that meant a lot to him.

They eventually got to Ennis’ truck and Jack sighed.

“God I can’t wait to get home.” 

Ennis gave Jack a small smile. Then it faded to a thoughtful look and Jack could imagine the cogs turning in his brain. Ennis took a deep breath, looked around—just to be safe, and then took Jack’s face in his hands, pulling him in for a deep kiss. Jack made a noise of surprise but reciprocated all the same, stroking Ennis’ cheekbone. The kiss quickly turned more desperate and both men were yearning for more, tugging at each other's clothes.

Jack forced himself to pull back, “Goddamn cowboy…” he was breathing hard and straightening out his shirt.

“Been wantin’ to do that for the past two days.” Ennis blushed as soon as the words left his mouth and Jack chuckled.

“Well I sure as hell ain’t complainin’,” Jack leaned back in the seat as Ennis started the truck, “hey Ennis?”

“Mhm…” Ennis’ eyes were on the road as he reversed out of the hospital parking lot.

“You kissed me in front of Jo… she know bout us?”

Ennis sighed, “yeah. Bet she knew the whole time to be honest…” 

Jack smiled wide, “‘m proud of you bud. Fer doin’ it anyway,” he took one of Ennis’ hands off the steering wheel and brought it down to clasp in his. Jack had always been so understanding, so open. He knew what made Ennis uncomfortable, and how to fix it, he knew that Ennis got self conscious about his body, which he honestly didn’t really understand because in his opinion, Ennis was the most beautiful man in the world, and he knew how uneasy he got about public affection, so he was happy to hear Ennis was becoming more comfortable about it

“I meant to ask you somethin’” Ennis began, chewing a hangnail.

Jack frowned at the worry in his tone, “yeah? What’s up bud?”

Ennis sighed, thinking about how to approach the conversation, “when we were in the hospital, waitin’ to know if you were alright, Tom suggested we call yer parents…”

“You didn’t. Did you?” Jack replied, a deep seated fear rising in him. If his daddy packed up the truck to drive from Lightning Flat to Casper, just to find out his son had got the shit beat out of him because of something he’d always known, that Jack was queer, he’d disown Jack right then and there.

Ennis was quick to correct himself, “no, no, I didn’t. Don’t know their phone number,” heard Jack sigh, “was wonderin’ if you wanted me too. Or if you wanted to yerself…”

“Fuck no. I love my mama an’ all, but my daddy would not be pleased. He’s already ashamed enough to have a queer bastard son.” 

Ennis felt his heart ache and hoped Jack didn’t think of himself that way. He wanted to say something, to reassure his lover that he’s so much more than what his daddy thinks. But he couldn’t. Heartwarming sentiments weren’t really Ennis’ forte and he couldn’t get the words out of his mouth. So they were quiet for the rest of the drive.

They eventually pulled into the dirt driveway at Jolene’s place and Ennis shut the truck off, sighing.

“I wanna hold you Jack. Just wanna go up to our room and hold you.” He said quietly, biting a hangnail as soon as he’d finished speaking.

Jack nodded, a little surprised, “okay… yeah okay let’s do that then…”

Jolene came over to give Jack a hug when they walked through the door and he beamed, allowing her arms to wrap around him.

“Jack I was so fucking worried goddamn… you doin’ okay?” She let him out of the hug with a concerned look on her face.

“Been better, but yeah I’m alright.” Jack could see Ennis eyeing him, standing by the stairs and waiting for him to finish the conversation. Thomas came out of the living room and also gave Jack a hug, asking the same question Jo had just asked and voicing his worry. Jolene said something about making dinner and then the pair climbed the stairs to their room.

Ennis laid down on the bed and Jack clambered on top of him, laying his head on Ennis’ chest.

They stay like that for ages, just listening to each other breathe, until Jack hears Ennis sniff. He lifted his head to see tears rolling down the cowboy’s cheeks.

“Oh En…” Jack fiddles with Ennis’ curls, “why’re you cryin’ sweetheart?” The endearment went unnoticed by Jack, but Ennis felt his heart break even more and a small sob rack his chest.

“I almost lost you Jack. I didn’t— I didn’t even say…” he tried his best to gather himself, keeping his eyes fixed on the ceiling, “I love you before then. I thought I never would—” Jack could feel Ennis’ hands shaking against his back, “goddamn.” 

Jack felt himself getting a little choked up. He shifted so their foreheads pressed together, so they were sharing the same breath. 

“You are so important to me, Ennis. Ya understand?” 

Ennis nodded hesitantly against him.

Jack smiled softly, “I know you have trouble… gettin’ yer words out, “Jack felt tears well in his eyes, “When you… said those words to me, god it was like I was on top a the world Ennis,'' He let tears flow freely now, feeling Ennis gently wipe them away, “but this whole time, before all this shit,” he let out a small laugh, “I knew how you felt about me. Always did. It jus’ made it better that ya said it out loud.”

Ennis was staring into his eyes, a look of disbelief but the hint of a smile on his face, “you sappy bastard…” he said the words fondly, and Jack laughed, sniffing and wiping at his own tears. 

He tucked his head into the crook of Ennis’ neck and mumbled against his skin, “it’s all true…”

Ennis’ voice was almost a whisper, “I know.”

𐚁₊⊹

After their little cuddle session, Jack had a long deserved and needed shower, which also entailed him removing his bandages. He winced a bit when he saw the stitches, imagining what kind of scars the cuts would produce. 

Ennis, trying not to think about how hard he was going to beat the sons of bitches that caused said stitches, came up behind Jack in the mirror and wrapped his arms around his waist. He placed a kiss on Jack’s neck and breathed in the scent of him, clean and fresh. 

Looking at himself in the mirror Jack felt uneasy. He already had quite a few marks on him from his daddy’s beatings, and he sure as hell didn’t want any more.

Ennis sensed this and whispered sweetly, “Yer beautiful darlin… don’t matter what those bastards did to you.” 

Jack smiled and turned himself in Ennis’ arms, “yer sweet y’know that?”

“Had a feelin’…”

𐚁₊⊹

Dinner that night was a bit delayed, since Jack couldn’t get help with work on the farm and Ennis had flat out refused to leave his side despite Jack’s insistence, Jolene had to do all of it, with the help of Tom of course.

“So what’s yer plan from here on?” Tom asked, still chewing a mouthful of food. Jolene smacked his arm lightly, scolding him for his lack of manners.

Ennis hadn’t told Jack about his house search, mostly because they definitely didn’t have enough money and he didn’t want Jack to get his hopes up. But maybe now was the time to mention it.

“Gettin’ a house probably, with some land… I been lookin’…” Ennis felt comfortable sharing his plans with Jo and Tom. He didn’t feel judged by them like he did by most people. Part of him didn’t want to leave because he knew it wouldn’t be like that when he and Jack moved. 

Jack dropped his fork, it made a loud clattering noise, and turned to look at Ennis, his face lit up with surprise.

“You ain’t tell me that Ennis! Shit, are we buyin’ a house?” He was beaming and didn’t seem to care about how loud he was talking.

“Language, Jack.” Ennis replied, eyes on his plate. 

Jack rolled his eyes, “you ain’t my mama Ennis. Are we buyin’ a house?”

Ennis felt himself getting just a tiny bit frustrated. He knew Jack would get too excited, too hopeful. He quietly regretted saying anything.

“Well we ain’t got the money so not at the moment, no.” Jolene and Thomas looked at the pair of them, just watching the conversation unfold.

Jack took another bite of his steak, speaking with food in his mouth, “I can do some rodeoin’… depends on where we’re goin’ I guess, but it’s always an option.”

To Ennis it sure as hell wasn’t an option. The man had just spent two days at the hospital because his skull was bashed in, no way was he getting on a bucking bull when all he’ll probably end up winning is some broken ribs.

“Hell no. You’ve got a busted head Jack. No fuckin’ way.” 

Jack scoffed, pointing an accusatory finger at Ennis “first off, language, second, my head will be healed soon enough, don’t usually hit my head while ridin’ them bulls anyway… usually my back…”

“I don’t give a damn!” Ennis was close to yelling now, “you should quit gettin’ yerself hurt Jack! I’m so fuckin’ tired of it!” He slammed his fist down on the table and Jack flinched. Jolene and Tom just stared in disbelief, not knowing if they should Intervene.

“Gettin’ myself hurt?” The anger in Jack's eyes was seething, “Oh yeah, I did do this to myself didn’t I? Fer being a queer an’ all…” Jack said the words like each syllable were poison. He stood up, taking his plate with him, “thank you for the meal Jolene,” he gave Jo a small smile, then set his place in the sink and went out the front door as quickly as possible.

Ennis could feel himself calming down and the guilt filled him again. Jack had just got back home, and Ennis was already being an asshole to him. He let his head fall in his hands and let out a breath.

“‘M sorry…” he mumbled, a bit embarrassed to have caused such a scene in front of his sister and her husband.

“Don’t apologize to us, Ennis,” Jolene gestured to the door with her fork, “he’s the one that deserves it.” Jo had the, “I’m not angry, just disappointed” look on her face, one that Ennis had become familiar with over the years, and despised being met with. 

“I know…” 

Jolene turned to Thomas and smiled, “could you leave us for a minute, honey? I just need to speak to my brother.” Thomas just nodded and swiftly exited through the back door. Ennis braced himself for what was coming.

She turned back to Ennis, the disapproving expression back on her face, “Jack doesn’t deserve that shit. These past few days have been hard on all of us, you an’ him especially.” Her tone was hard and demanding, Jo was not fucking around, “you had no right to speak to him like that Ennis,” she set her fork down and clasped her hands, “I don’t wanna get all pissed off at you, but ya make it really hard when you act like that. You may be older now, but I raised you, and that whole scene,” Jolene shook her head, “not acceptable.” 

Ennis was a little taken aback. Sure, Jolene had given him lectures like that when he was younger, but he hadn’t expected them at his current age. He figured he deserved it though. 

He nodded, eyes fixed on the floor, “yes ma’am…”

“Hey, look at me.” Jolene snapped her fingers to get Ennis’ attention.

“You two got somethin’ special. Don’t ruin it by bein’ an asshole, cause I might just side with Jack. I like him.” She smiled and Ennis tried his best to return it.

𐚁₊⊹

“Getting yourself hurt?” Oh, Ennis Del Mar didn’t know what was coming. Get myself beat because I let him fuck me, and he’s the one mad. Bull. Shit.

Jack threw a rock and it hit the barn door, making a tink sound as it bounced off the handle. 

At first, when hearing the news of Ennis’ continuous house hunt, he was overjoyed. He was so glad that Ennis seemed to be looking forward to their future as much as he was. Jack was aware that they were short on cash, but hell, he’d break a few ribs rodeoing if it meant their own house with their own bed, a place where they could be hidden away as they were on Brokeback. He knew he’d maybe pushed Ennis too far. All the pressure of packing up and moving to a life with a man clearly wasn’t where Ennis had seen his life going.

Still, Jack was pissed about the wording Ennis had used. Getting yourself hurt. Like it was his own fault. Like the first two times weren’t courtesy of Ennis’ hard knuckled fists, and the most recent incident was Jack getting the shit beat out of him for the same reason Ennis would be jumped. If anyone were to find out of course.

Jack grabbed his third beer from the cooler he and Ennis had left out a few days ago. All the ice had melted, but it was getting cold enough outside to leave it out. He took a swig and chucked another rock which almost hit the barn window. 

He heard footsteps in the grass behind him and whirled around, not yet ready to hear any of the lies Ennis had to spew.

“Oh fuck off Ennis! All yer apologies are bullshit! Go fuck yerself!” His words were slurred and he immediately shut up when he saw who was actually standing there.

Thomas shuffled his feet, a beer in hand, “sorry. Didn’t mean to sneak up on ya…” he looked nervous. Not at all like Tom usually came across. Normally he was a very outspoken, loud, friendly man, much like Jack.

“Shit, I’m sorry Tom… thought you were— y’know.” 

Tom offered a small smile and nodded, “not gonna lie, he really fucked that up. Jolene’s layin’ into him right now… god that woman scares me sometimes…”

Jack chuckled, “sure does…” he plopped down on a square bale and Thomas took a seat beside him.

“Y’know…” Thomas started, “I didn’t know what to think of you guys, when I found out,” he looked like he was choosing his words carefully, not wanting to give Jack the wrong idea, “but— y’all work great together. I see it, Jo sees it,” Tom shrugged, “shit man, if I lost something like that…”

Jack nodded, “I ain’t leavin’ him. Couldn’t live with myself if I did. He can just be a massive asshole… specially when other people are around… I was so excited bout the idea of us gettin’ a place,” he sighed, “I pushed him too far, I know that.”

“Well, Jo’ll beat his ass for you. She’s grown a liking for ya.” Tom laughed, “she used to tell me stories bout how, Ennis an’ K.E were always gettin’ in fights, she would have ta be the one to break ‘em up. Those two boys were sure as hell scared of her. She’s a good sister. Good wife too… love her with my whole heart.” 

Jack smiled at the declaration, shoving Thomas gently, “didn’t see you as a romantic man.”

“Most people don’t… Jo… she’s perfect, man. Dunno what I’d do without ‘er.” Jack took another sip of his beer.

“I mean… I feel the same about Ennis. Them Del Mar’s are somethin’ special.” 

Thomas nodded along, “sure are…” and raised his bottle to his lips.

𐚁₊⊹

By the time Ennis actually came to apologize, it was dark out and Jack was just a bit drunk. Ennis had promised himself that this would be the last of their fights, the big ones anyway. He was going to keep his temper in check from now on.

Jack was slumped against the inside of the barn door, a bottle in his hand and four empty ones to the right of him. Ennis looked down at him in disbelief.

“Jack, what the hell happened?”

At the sound of Ennis’ voice Jack stood up, a little unsteadily, and pointed a finger at him, “you’re a bastard son of a whoreson bitch, Ennis Del Mar,” he spit his name out like it was worthless and he was disgusted to have the vowels on his tongue. 

“Yeah I know darlin’ I’m so sorr—” Jack cut Ennis off, giving him a little shove that had the man staggering back.

“Don’t call me that. Don’t you dare,” Jack wiped the tears in his eyes away furiously, begging himself internally not to cry, “it means nothing to say it. You think you’re tired of me gettin’ my ass beat? You think I don’t curse myself for bein’ made this way cause yeah, sometimes I do!” Ennis just stood there, eyes on his boots, taking the words and trying his best to listen.

“I try not to be ashamed, Ennis. But you make it damn hard…” his voice broke and he slid back down the door, tossing the beer bottle into the small pile next to him, “I’m not yer bitch girlfriend… or your nagging wife Ennis, I’m sure sick of you treatin’ me like one…” Jack spoke with defeat in his tone and Ennis could tell he was tired. Mentally, emotionally, and physically. 

Ennis sat down on the cold cement floor a few feet away, trying his best to look Jack in the eye. 

“I know… ‘m sorry. It ain’t enough, but I wanna try Jack, darlin’.” 

“I know.”

Ennis moved to sit beside Jack, fiddling with a piece of hay between his fingers. 

They sat in silence, neither of them wanting or needing to speak. After a while Ennis felt Jack’s head come to rest on his shoulder. He turned and pressed a kiss into Jack’s hair. A few minutes passed and Ennis was pretty sure that Jack was asleep. He huffed out a laugh to himself and shifted, gently bringing Jack’s head to rest in his lap. They would need to go inside soon, before it got too cold, but at the moment neither cared. 

Ennis knew that he had a shit ton of work to do. He wanted to get Jack out of Casper as soon as possible. It wasn’t safe for either of them. But for now, he relished in the feeling of having someone who cared. Cared enough to argue it out with him instead of just leaving because Ennis knew that’s what he would do. 

He stroked Jack’s hair softly, then heard a sleep clogged mumbly voice rise from the man.

“‘Nnis?”

“What bud?”

“We shuld live ‘n Texas…”

Ennis sighed, taking Jack’s hand and interlocking their fingers, “Well alright then.”

Chapter Text

Early morning sunlight shone through the bedroom window and lit up Ennis’ freckled face, highlighting his curls. Jack smiled as he stared down at the man, in awe of how he could be sleeping in the same bed as someone so precious.

Ennis stirred and turned his face so it was completely hidden by the pillow. Five days had passed since their argument and since then Jack had been on strict bed rest so his stitches would be healed enough for him to travel by the end of the week. The plan was to stay in motels until they’d gathered enough money for a property in yes, Texas, and Jack would, despite Ennis’ objections, rodeo to earn that money.

Jack was overjoyed to be moving to Texas so soon. It had always been a dream of his, the massive rodeos, the cattle operations, it was perfect. He couldn’t wait to start that life with Ennis. 

“Mornin’ darlin’…” Jack came out of his thoughts to see Ennis staring sleepily up at him.

“Mornin’ En,” He leaned down to kiss Ennis gently, feeling the cowboy’s hand come up to cup the back of his neck. The kiss deepened and Ennis leaned up on his elbows to get closer, slowly but surely pulling Jack on top of him.

“We gotta… get up… got stuff ta do.” Jack mumbled out between kisses.

Ennis craned his neck to look at the alarm clock, “it’s early. Can wait a bit…” he wasn’t wrong, it was only 6:00am, they didn’t have to get up until at least 7:00.

Jack sure as hell wasn’t going to object, so he let himself settle over Ennis, straddling his hips. 

Their lips brushed again and Ennis mumbled softly, “love you…” he was looking deep into Jack’s eyes, and he could tell how hard Ennis was trying to show it. Show that he loved him, that it wasn’t just words. 

“I know… love ya too cowboy,” Ennis shifted his hips and Jack whined, gripping Ennis’ waist to control the movement, “can we get to it? It’s been a while an’ I’m sure as hell sick a’ waitin’…”

Ennis chuckled and flipped them over gently, as to not irritate Jack’s stitches. He used to get nervous about fucking Jack, especially in his sister’s house. But over time it dissipated. Ennis was eager to initiate that affection as well as partake in it. There was always going to be that inkling of wrongdoing. That nagging feeling that told him what he was doing wasn’t holy, that it was disgusting. He’d just gotten better at shoving it down, ignoring it because goddamn him he loved Jack and wasn’t going to let anything get in the way of showing it.

Jack looked up at him, his expression completely vulnerable, just waiting for Ennis to make the next move. 

Their lips met again and Ennis’ hands squeezed Jack’s hips just above the line of his pajama pants, making him shiver with anticipation.  

“Please En… sweetheart.” 

Ennis blushed profusely at the endearment, tucking the tips of his fingers under Jack’s waistband. Jack grinned in response and pulled the man down for another bruising kiss, getting his own hands down Ennis’ pants and eliciting a groan from him. 

It was a flurry of discarded clothing and needy noises, ones that Ennis tried to muffle as shame tiptoed along his skin. Though shame became just a word when he was finally inside of Jack, kissing every inch of him that he could reach, mumbling sweet nothings into sweat slicked skin. There was truly nothing that mattered more than pleasing him. Making up for all the times he hadn’t said such things.

After, he rested his head on Jack’s chest, reveling in the feeling of thin fingers that ran through his hair. 

“Y’know, you can be really frisky in the mornin’,” Ennis joked, feeling Jack’s chest jostle him with laughter.

“It’s what ya do to me cowboy…” Jack replied, reaching for his cigarette pack on the bedside table and groaning when he found it was empty.

“Goddamn. We’ll haveta go to the store today. Get some stuff fer when we leave as well…” 

Ennis froze at the mention of leaving the house.

“I’ll go. You should stay here. It’s too dangerous.” 

Jack frowned, tilting Ennis’ chin up to meet his eyes, “why? We can go together, En. Ain’t nothing wrong with it.” 

Ennis had learned from their previous fights that he should at least try to explain his point calmly, because sometimes Jack was just too thick headed to understand the first time.

“Ain’t safe. They still haven’t found them guys that hurt you, Jack.”

Jack thought for a moment. Ennis did kinda have a good point. He wasn’t scared of Anthony or William, but he knew deep down Ennis probably was, and it was little things like getting the groceries by himself that gave Ennis the control and safety that he needed. The reassurance that Jack was safe at home, nothing could hurt him. So he agreed, for Ennis’ comfort if not anything else. They lay like that in silence until Ennis spoke.

“‘M gonna get a shower…” he moved to get out of the bed and then stopped, still half on top of Jack.

“D’you wanna join me?” 

Jack grinned, “thought you’d never ask.”

𐚁₊⊹

By the time they actually got out of bed it was 8:30 and Thomas was at work while Jolene did the chores around the ranch. Ennis insisted Jack rest on the couch while he made some semblance of a breakfast, settling on a messy arrangement of eggs on toast. 

After they’d eaten Ennis went out to the grocery store, leaving Jack to his own devices. 

There wasn’t much to do around the ranch besides work, and Jack wasn’t even allowed to do that at the moment. He was a fidgety guy with Ennis around, with something to do, it was almost unbearable having to just sit on the couch and wait for his cowboy to come back.

He was just about to bite his own hand off when Jolene came through the front door carrying a massive cardboard box. Jack jumped up to help, desperate for quite literally anything to do.

“I got it, Jo.” He carefully took the package from her arms and set it down gently, surprised at how heavy it was.

Jolene sighed, rubbing her hands on her work pants, “thanks Jack…” she scanned the room to find no sign of her blonde haired brother, “where’s Ennis?”

“He went out to the store, gotta grab some stuff fer travellin’ an’ that.” 

She nodded along, taking off her dirty boots, “why didn’t ya go with ‘im?” 

Jack let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding and set his hands on his hips, “jus’ y’know…” he struggled with figuring out how to explain it to Jo, “he don’t want— he’s worried about me gettin’ hurt is all…” 

Jo gave him a look of understanding and rubbed her forehead, “that’s tough. He cares ‘bout you an awful lot, even I know that. Didn’t think he was gonna make it through when you were in the hospital…” Jack couldn’t help but smile at hearing just how much Ennis cared.

Jolene didn’t have to work for the rest of the day so the pair sat on the couch and got to talking, mostly about Ennis. Jo was somewhat saddened that she didn’t know much about her brother, and Jack was happy to jabber on and on about Ennis, he always was.

“How was he? I mean, on the mountain?” Jolene asked, holding a couch cushion close to her chest.

Jack sighed, “at first, real quiet. Didn’t say a word ta me besides telling me when he was goin’ up to the sheep… he warmed up after a while, I got ‘im talkin’…” Jack smiled, “then after—“ he cleared his throat, “that night, he was like a completely different person… he still gets…” Jack searched for the right word to use, “I dunno. Disappointed in himself?”

Jolene listened intently as Jack talked, sharing some of her own memories from Ennis’ childhood, ones that Jack would definitely tease the man about later, and then the topic of conversation arrived back home and Jo went to make supper, a knowing smile on her face.

“What’re y’all smiling ‘bout?” Ennis questioned, setting the grocery bags down on the table.

“Nothin’ cowboy. Ya get my smokes?”

𐚁₊⊹

As hoped, by the end of the week Jack had been to have his stitches removed and the two cowboys were packing up their belongings to head to Texas. They didn’t have much, so it didn’t take long. Just some food and both of their duffle bags from Brokeback. 

“Jack!” Ennis called up the stairs, “hurry yer ass up! Gotta get goin’ before eight!”

Jack raced down the stairs, almost slipping and causing Ennis to gasp at the thought of more stitches. He gave the rodeo cowboy a smack upside the head as he passed and tossed his bag to him.

Jack chuckled and caught the bag, giving Ennis a little shove before running out to the truck before he could react.

Jolene and Thomas stood in the entryway, waiting to say their goodbyes.

When Jack came back Jo handed Ennis an envelope, telling him to open it. Inside there was at least five hundred dollars. Ennis frowned deeply and thrust the envelope back into his sister’s hands.

“Nah. No way. I ain’t takin’ it Jo.” 

Jolene rolled her eyes, holding the envelope out towards him again, “Ennis cmon. We’re jus’ tryna help. You two don’t wanna be stayin’ in motel rooms the rest of yer lives.”

“No,” Ennis’ voice was stern and he crossed his arms. Jack watched in amusement and took the money as Jolene handed it to him.

“En, we could use the extra help. Besides, I would rodeo less if there was less money ta earn…” Jack said the last bit with a hint of suggestion in his tone, knowing that it would hook Ennis into accepting the favor.

“Fine. But I’m payin’ you back.” 

Jo chuckled and held her arms out to pull her brother into a hug. 

Ennis found himself getting a little emotional. All that time being away from both his siblings and then spending almost two months with his sister meant a lot. He really was going to miss Jo, and surprisingly, Thomas as well. He let himself receive the hug, wrapping his long arms around Jolene and holding back his tears.

Jack shook Thomas’ hand then went over to hug Jolene. She whispered a tearful, “thank you” and patted his back, wiping her eyes as the embrace ended.

“You better come visit Ennis Del Mar,” Jo began, “Jack as well. An’ call. I ain’t want any of that K.E bullshit, cause he don’t call.” Ennis’ heart dropped at the mention of his older brother. He hadn’t spoken to K.E for almost a year and apparently neither had Jo.

Both of the men promised they’d call, that they’d visit at Thanksgiving, then turned to walk out the front door.

“An’ Jack?” 

Jack turned around to face Jolene, waiting for her to speak.

“If you come back here with a fuckin’ broken back, I’ll kill Ennis fer lettin’ you on them damn bulls.” Jack grinned wide and nodded. 

𐚁₊⊹

The drive was long, almost sixteen hours. Ennis was trying to stay awake as long as possible so they could get as far into their journey as possible, but it was proving difficult.

“If yer tired bud I can drive,” Jack offered for the fifteenth time. They were only six hours into the drive.

Ennis waved him off, one hand on the steering wheel and the other rubbing his eyes.

“‘M fine…”

“Whatever you say cowboy,” Jack went back to looking out the window. Moments later he felt a hand take his, entwining their fingers.

Ennis had kept his eyes on the road but Jack smiled anyway, feeling the man’s warm palm against his own. Things were really looking up. Their own place was all Jack had ever wanted. Everything felt so surreal. He thought about what he would be doing with his life if Ennis wasn’t there. Probably working for his daddy, barely coping with the constant berating and yelling. Sure, he missed his mama, and he’d love for Ennis to meet her, but everything between them still seemed so new, so fragile. There was no fucking way John Twist was going to destroy the one thing that kept Jack going.

Hours later they reached their first motel, quite literally in the middle of nowhere, but Ennis looked like he was about to pass out, and since he was refusing to switch places, Jack decided it was best to just stop for the night. 

As soon as they entered the motel room Ennis flopped down on the bed, boots still on, and fell asleep.

Jack chuckled to himself and knelt down to remove Ennis’ boots before kicking his own off. Not wanting to wake the man, he slowly undressed him, setting his hat on the bedside table.

Ennis murmured as he was tucked under the covers, reaching for Jack’s body and pulling him in close to his chest.

“G’night darlin’…”

He felt the gentle press of a kiss in his hair and smiled, ain’t I lucky.

Chapter Text

Jack was absolutely terrified. He was just hours away from his first rodeo in months, and Ennis’ constant worrying wasn’t helping his nauseous feeling.

“Jus’ be careful, ok? I ain’t gonna be carryin’ ya into another hospital…” Ennis mumbled in a hushed voice. Currently they were sitting across from each other in an almost empty diner, but for some reason Ennis still found it necessary to whisper.

Jack rolled his eyes and pulled out a cigarette, giving an apologetic smile and stuffing it away once a waitress glared at him, pointing to the “no smoking” sign. 

“You need ta worry bout yerself fer once. For example, when was the last time you ate?” Ennis opened his mouth to respond but Jack interrupted, “coffee don’t count.”

Ennis grumbled to himself and Jack continued, “point is, I’ve done it before, an’ it ain’t as dangerous as you think En.”

𐚁₊⊹

They eventually left the diner and drove in the direction of the Aspen rodeo. The city didn’t usually have rodeos in the fall, but there’d been a big storm that ran through the last one and it had been postponed. They’d driven farther than Jack had anticipated the night before and could probably get to Texas in the next two days. Colorado was nice. The rolling plains and rocky mountains reminded Jack of Wyoming, reminded him of Brokeback.

“You better stay on that son of a bitch for eight seconds, we ain’t out here riskin’ yer life for nothin’.” Ennis warned as he put the truck in park.

“Just shut yer fat mouth Ennis Del Mar. You ain’t helping my nerves…” Jack grabbed his rodeo gloves from his bag before exiting the truck. He hadn’t worn them for a while and prayed that his hands hadn’t grown, which was ridiculous because he was nearly twenty years old and had stayed the same size since eighteen.

There was quite a bit of time to waste, so Jack dragged Ennis along to the food stalls, making the man promise to buy him something after the main event.

By the time Jack had explored every inch of the food court it was 2:00pm and time for him to head over to the registration stand.

“Name?” 

“Jack Twist.”

“Full legal name.”

Jack groaned inwardly, “John Harold Twist,” he hated even thinking of his full name, that it had any connection to the bastard he called his father. No matter how hard he tried to shake the man from his memory, ice the bruises that covered him inside and out, it would never be enough to truly cut John Twist from his life.

It only took a few minutes to get fully registered, and before long Jack was atop a heavy breathing, two thousand pound piece of livestock, trying not to throw up from nerves.

Ennis sat up in the stands, chewing a hangnail and trying to keep calm. He was being a sissy about the whole thing, Jack was an adult man, he could hold his own. But the little nagging voice in his head wouldn’t stop yammering on.

Great way to get both of us stuck in Colorado, Jack will break a few bones, use up all the money we have for medical bills and we’ll be homeless.

Ennis rubbed his eyes and sighed. He already missed Jolene. Already missed having somewhere that was at least a little familiar. Jack was familiar enough, Ennis guessed. He was probably the only friend Ennis had, and probably ever will have. Sure, the man was annoying as shit, but there was a certain endearing aspect about that. Jack’s constant upbeat attitude, his boyish laugh, the crude jokes spat out, followed by said fit of laughter, had become everyday occurrences and brought Ennis a sense of comfort. 

“An’ now we have… Jack Twist from Lightning Flat Wyoming! He’s aboard Sleepy today, let’s hope he’s not!” The announcer's voice crackled through the speaker and Ennis’ heart dropped down to his toes. 

Jack gripped the handle on Sleepy's saddle, feeling the familiar tingling sensation in his fingers.

He heard the sound of the gate opening and before he could blink he was out in the arena, squeezing his thighs tight to the sides of the animal and rolling his hips along with every jerky movement. His hand went numb and then suddenly; it was over.

Fuck. 

Jack hit the ground hard and scrambled to stand up, quickly snatching his hat before doing so and beelining it for the gate. He wasn’t sure if he’d heard the eight second whistle or not, but prayed that it’d gone off. Not winning wasn’t really an option, he and Ennis desperately needed that money. 

He reached the bars of the gate, pulled himself up, and immediately threw up.

“What’re ya doin’ Twist! Get the fuck outta there!” Yelled the next rider from the top of his bull.

Jack nodded, clambering over the gate and out of the arena, receiving a mumbled congratulations and a pat on the back. 

His feet hit the grass and he threw up again, leaning over and heaving. 

God, it ain’t used ta be this bad.

He felt a warm hand on his back and knew immediately who it was.

“Twelve seconds! Twelve seconds, Rodeo!”

Jack spit in the grass and straightened up, a huge grin growing on his face. He hadn’t thought it’d been that long. Hell, he would’ve been surprised if he’d gotten five seconds.

“No fuckin’ way,” the smile on Ennis’ face was unlike one Jack had ever seen. It was full of teeth and full fledged dimples, it was a proud smile. A look that Jack was unacquainted with. No one had ever been truly proud of Jack’s accomplishments. Not that he blamed them. 

“Tell you what Jack, that was fuckin’ amazin’,” Ennis breathed out, patting Jack on the shoulder.

A large part of Jack wanted to push Ennis up against the nearest wall and kiss the hell out of him, but the smaller and more logical part of him knew it would have to wait until later, when they were alone.

“You alright?” Ennis’ voice sounded muffled to Jack’s ears and he nodded slightly, leaning over again and breathing hard, only then realizing how bad his ribs were aching. 

“Feel like shit…” Jack mumbled out, setting his hat back atop his head.

“We ain’t gotta stay fer much longer, jus’ to see who won,” Ennis ran a hand through his hair and blushed, mumbling out, “my bet’s on you…” 

The pair walked back to the stands, planning to watch the last two contestants. Jack could barely walk without aggravating the stabbing pain in his torso, and let out a sigh of relief as he sat down on the wooden bench. He could practically feel the throbbing bruises blossoming beneath his button up. The next two riders didn’t even get past six seconds, meaning Jack would at least get third prize, since they hadn’t seen the first two bulls.

The announcer's voice crackled through the speaker once more.

“Well folks, the moment you’ve all been waitin’ for! The winners of the 60th annual Aspen rodeo bull ridin’ competition!”

Applause erupted throughout the stands and arena and the announcer continued.

“Third place goes to… Dawson Hutchins! A sum of one hundred fifty dollars!” Ennis whistled in astonishment. He hadn’t even expected that much for first place, let alone third.

“Second place goes to Simon Weathers! Congratulations Simon! Three hundred dollars to you sir!” 

“Holy shit…” Jack breathed out.

“And finally, first place goes to Jack Twist! Four hundred fifty dollars to you!” 

A megawatt grin appeared on Jack’s face and he saw Ennis smile out of the corner of his eye. Jack limped over to the announcers box the collect his prize and Ennis waited by the arena, trying to stop smiling but it proving difficult. Jack just won the whole fuckin’ thing. 

Jack came out of the booth carrying four one hundred dollar bills and grinning from ear to ear.

“They tried ta gimme a check, but I told them I didn’t have a bank account, so I got it in cash…” Jack rambled on and Ennis was only half listening. He  stared at Jack as they walked.The man was covered in moles along his neck that were perfectly exposed with a few shirt buttons undone. They were one of Ennis’ favourite features. Specifically the one just above Jack’s lip, he could stare at the damn thing for hours. 

“…best bull ride I ever had! Shit, if only my daddy could see me now. That would give ‘im somethin’ to be proud of me for…sure as hell am tired though.”

Ennis nodded, “we can go back to the motel, you can rest some…” he knew Jack had wanted to go to all the food stalls again, but it probably wasn’t the best idea after he’d just thrown up twice.

Jack insisted on driving, despite the fierce ache in his back and ribs. Ennis watched with concern as he breathed with what almost seemed like caution.

“You doin’ alright?”

“‘M fine cowboy,” Jack fibbed as they turned into the motel parking lot.

He threw the keys onto the bedside table as he entered the room, yawning and sitting down gingerly. Ennis frowned.

“Why d’you do this shit anyway?” He asked, sitting down beside Jack.

Jack shrugged, “money, mostly. I mean, that’s why I did it today. I guess— when I was younger anyway, it was familiar to me. Getting banged up like that. It was either stay out all night, get drunk and busted up at a rodeo, or go home and get busted up by my dad…” he trailed off, staring at his fingernails.

Ennis knew how that felt. His dad had only ever hit him once or twice, but it was the constant tension that he just had to get away from. 

Jack lay his head on Ennis’ shoulder.

“You didn’t deserve that Jack. It ain’t fair to you. Ain’t fair to my little darlin’…” he turned to kiss Jack’s temple, gently cradling his jaw.

“Yer ribs hurt darlin’?” 

Jack shrugged, “a bit.” That was a lie. He was hardly containing the groans that threatened to spill from his lips. 

An idea popped into Ennis’ head, “lay down Jack, wanna try somethin’…” 

Jack did as he was told and laid down, resting his head on his arms. Ennis slid up the bed to straddle him, kissing him slowly. Jack leaned up onto his elbows for more but Ennis chuckled and put a hand on his chest.

“Later. Wanna do something else fer you Rodeo,” Jack gave the man a questioning look but Ennis disregarded it, reaching his hands up to pluck open Jack’s button up, revealing dark purple splotches of skin. 

Jack hissed out a breath and Ennis’ gently grazed his palms over the bruises, then settling them on Jack’s hips. Jack sat up to fully shed his shirt, cupping Ennis’ face and kissing him deeply before laying back down.

A shred of nervousness crept into Ennis’ mind. Initiating affection definitely wasn’t Ennis’ strong suit. He always felt like he was doing something wrong, something that Jack didn’t like or wouldn’t like. No matter how much Jack assured him that it was okay to try new things, that he wanted to hear what Ennis had to say, it just couldn’t get past his barrier of complicated emotions.

“Ennis.”

Jack’s voice brought him back. It always did. Jack offered a smile and Ennis smiled back, mustering the courage to do what he wanted.

When his lips brushed Jack’s abdomen he felt him shiver, goose flesh prickling the skin. Ennis kissed along Jack’s torso up to the purpleness surrounding his ribs, pressing gentler kisses there and hearing Jack draw in a breath. He made sure to kiss the moles that dappled his lover’s stomach and chest, trying to convey without words just how much he loved every inch of the man beneath him.

He trailed all the way up to Jack’s mouth, allowing the man to grip his curls and haul him in for a bruising kiss.

“You have no idea how much you mean to me…” Jack mumbled against Ennis’ lips. 

“Got a fair one…” He whispered and Jack chuckled. Ennis pressed quick kisses to the scar on the left side on Jack’s head, twining his fingers into the soft raven hair. 

The sun sank behind the clouds and Jack checked the clock on the bedside table.

“It’s nearly 9:00… you hungry?” Ennis shook his head.

“Well I’m starvin’. Haven’t had anything to eat since that diner this mornin’… we can run out an’ get snacks or a sandwich or somethin’,” Jack suggested. Ennis shrugged.

“You lazy ass… ‘m hungry as hell, let’s go out an’ grab something, we can come right back and sleep if ya want.”

Ennis sighed and got off of Jack, tossing him his shirt and rubbing his eyes.

“We should count the money we got, see if it’s enough for a place somewhere…” 

“Yeah, guess so. Even if it’s small I don’t care, s’long as it’s outta town. We still got ten hours left to drive till we get to Texas,” Jack replied, buttoning his shirt.

Ennis groaned at the mention of more driving. 

“You just gotta keep ruining stuff dontcha Twist?” He joked, stepping in closer and wrapping his arms around Jack’s waist.

“I’ll make it better when we get back. Treat you real nice.”

“Well shit, we better get goin’ then,” Ennis grinned, leaning down to kiss Jack once more.

Chapter Text

“‘S my birthday in three days…” Jack mumbled past the sandwich in his mouth, leaning back in the truck seat. He was turning twenty and didn’t feel any different. Nineteen had been confusing and wonderful and scary all in one. It was however, an age Jack would hold closest to his heart. It was the age when he met Ennis, when his whole world was turned upside down for a shifty eyed, nervous wreck of a cowboy. 

Ennis frowned as he realized he had no previous knowledge of when Jack’s birthday was, his frown deepened when he remembered he didn’t have a gift for him.

“Why didn’t you tell me? That’s important, Jack.”

Jack scoffed, “ain’t that important. Didn’t know yers until a little while back.” 

Ennis was getting more confused by the second, “how’d you find out mine?” Ennis was quite a private person, what kind of snooping did Jack have to do to get that kind of information?

“Jo told me. December 17th, 1944,” Jack grinned, contrasting the deep scowl set on Ennis’ face. Jack had specifically asked Jolene, knowing Ennis wouldn’t tell him, and knowing he would make a hell of a fuss when the time came.

“Never cared much fer birthdays… din’t really celebrate them none back home,” Ennis brought one hand off the steering wheel to get a cigarette from his shirt pocket. 

Jack gave him a pitying look, “well it ain’t gotta be like that anymore friend. You bet I’ll be makin’ a big fuckin’ deal, that’s the day my cowboy was born!” The smile on Jack’s face was borderline cartoonish and Ennis rolled his eyes.

“Quit yer jawing… got some time left to be sittin’ in this car Jack, an’ im hoping for some peace an’ quiet,” despite his hardened words and lack of joking tone, a small smile creased Ennis’ face, showing a little of the dimples Jack oh so loved. While the drive to Texas was long, there was no one Jack would rather be spending the time with. After all, Texas meant a house, a plot of land, a bed just for him and Ennis. 

Ennis was now presented with a dilemma. He was trying his hardest to save his money, but he desperately wanted to get Jack something for his birthday. Which surprised him, since he wasn’t big on birthdays or gifts. He was, however, big on seeing his lover happy. Yet another problem, what would Jack want for his birthday? He’d missed out on a new rodeo buckle at his last rodeo, maybe one of those? A new pair of jeans? His current ones were getting a little tight, not that Ennis minded even a tiny bit.

“Don’t like the idea of you spendin’ yer birthday in a grimy motel room, Jack,” whispered Ennis, clearly getting self conscious and a little nervous. Something Ennis didn’t seem to understand, Jack noticed, was that they shared their money. There was no need for an overall provider in their situation, they were a team. That’s what Jack liked to think anyway.

The rodeo cowboy took the cigarette from Ennis’ mouth and brought it to his own, taking a drag and then taking the hand that was previously holding the cigarette, entwining their fingers.

“I really don’t mind En,” he replied, gently stroking the back of Ennis’ hand with his thumb.

Ennis kept his eyes on the road and his hand in Jack’s, enjoying the warmth of their palms pressed together. 

𐚁₊⊹

By the time they arrived in Texas, Fredricksburg to be specific, it was pitch black and pouring rain. There was a sense of relief that they were finally where they wanted to be. No more fifteen hour road trips, unless they wanted to visit Jo and Tom, or maybe, if he would get over his fear and call them, Jack’s parents. 

“You tired darlin’?” Ennis murmured, coming up behind Jack, returning from calling Jolene to let her know where they were.

“Mhm…” Jack responded, closing his eyes and shivering at the feeling of warm breath on his neck. No matter how long he spent in Ennis’ presence, he would never get over little moments like these, simple, domestic happenings that overload his body with a pleasant feeling of security. 

“Best get you tucked in then…” another shiver ran down Jack’s spine as Ennis began unbuttoning his shirt and then slipping it off his shoulders. Jack leaned forward and let his head rest on the cowboy’s shoulder while he fiddled with the massive rodeo buckle Jack knew he despised. 

“Fuckin’ thing…” Ennis mumbled to himself, just loud enough for Jack to hear and chuckle wearily.

“Lemme get it,” Jack grinned, moving Ennis' hands and getting the buckle undone, pulling the belt out through the loops. He brought his hands up to cup Ennis’ face, causing the man to blush at the sudden eye contact. That was something Jack knew made Ennis uncomfortable so he looked away, focusing his gaze on Ennis’ top shirt button, plucking it open.

“No more drivin’ friend, not till thanksgiving anyway. All we gotta do now is find a place,” Ennis nodded along, calloused thumbs stroking just above Jack’s waistband. 

Once both of them were undressed Ennis sheepishly asked to be held, which nearly made Jack yelp with both glee and surprise. 

So they lay there, listening to each other’s breathing, Jack every so often pressing kisses in Ennis’ mop of curls. The room was almost completely quiet. As usual, Ennis was the first to fall asleep, his body draped over Jack’s, his breathing slow. They both were aware that Ennis couldn’t lay there the whole night, one of them would get too hot, or Jack would grow tired of the constant weight on his chest, but for now it was alright. Everything was.

𐚁₊⊹

Early that morning Ennis slipped out of bed, careful not to wake Jack, he pulled on a pair of jeans and a shirt, grabbed the truck keys off the bedside table, and snuck out the motel room door. Then having to quickly nip back inside because he forgot his hat. Ennis was confident he could be back before Jack woke up, the man usually slept in anyway, and it was 5:30am. 

After learning of Jack’s soon approaching birthday all he could think about was what he was going to get for the rodeo cowboy. It had to be special, memorable. Son of a bitch has got he frettin’ over a damn birthday gift… Ennis thought, rubbing his forehead as he started the truck. 

Fredericksburg was a small town with a few shops scattered here and there, Ennis wouldn’t mind living around the area, it was quiet and they’d be almost completely cut off if they bought a property outside of town. He knew Jack would probably prefer to live outside a bigger city, like Houston or Dallas, but this could be some sort of compromise. 

Brandy’s trinkets was the only store that looked even remotely promising, so Ennis sighed and pulled over, parking next to the sidewalk just outside of the building. 

A little bell jingled as Ennis entered, something he’d always hated. It was just an extra way to bring attention to himself, give himself more opportunities to be awkward and off putting. 

A friendly feminine voice rose from the front of the store, “howdy stranger! How can I help you today?” Ennis looked up to see a woman, who he assumed was Brandy, seated behind a desk, a cigarette between two fingers.

“‘M just browsin’…” Ennis answered, offering a slight tip of his hat. 

The store was densely stocked with all kinds of different “trinkets” as Brandy would call them. Kids toys, postcards, decorated ash trays, all things that Jack would neither want nor need. Maybe if things had turned out differently, if they had left each other at the end of the summer, Jack would have some use for postcards. Ennis knew that Jack wouldn’t have been able to live on no contact, and he himself would find it difficult all the same. Just the thought of that situation made Ennis sick to his stomach.

He was just about to leave, just about to give up and return shamefully to the motel room empty handed when a singular pack of cards caught his eye. Upon further inspection Ennis came to the realization that they weren’t just any cards. The backs were decorated with mountain ranges. Wyoming mountain ranges. Ennis couldn’t help but smile widely to himself. He has to resist the urge to tear the box open right then and there just to check if their mountain was drawn.

That’s just my luck.

The cards were 95 cents, a bit expensive in Ennis’ opinion. He paid quickly and left the store as quickly as possible, cringing at the sound of the bell as he exited. 

After the rainfall the night before the town was shrouded in fog, making it difficult for Ennis to see more than two feet in front of the truck. He squinted at the road lines, making sure he was in the right lane. Just as he was turning the headlights on a loud yelp and crunch came from in front of the vehicle.

Oh fuck.

Hitting an animal was quite literally Ennis’ biggest fear. Besides losing Jack. He’d lived on a ranch up until he was fourteen. He’d seen cows die, chickens slaughtered, stillborn calves, but he couldn’t bear the thought of killing an innocent living creature for no purpose. 

“Goddamnit, fuckin’ shit…” Ennis cursed, rushing to open the drivers side door, to face whatever he’d damaged. 

Off to the side of the front wheel was a small black and white border collie puppy, clearly malnourished, and now, had a clearly broken leg. And it was Ennis’ fault. He ran a hand through his damp hair, gazing down at the animal and trying to push down his rising guilt. He couldn’t just leave it there. He should. But he couldn’t. 

Yer daddy always said you were soft. 

Ennis gently picked up the dog, careful not to bump the injured leg, and placed it in the passenger side of his truck. He shrugged off his jacket and wrapped it around the shivering shadow of a dog. By this time there was a vehicle stopped behind him, honking and now rolling down the window to scream at Ennis for stopping in the middle of the road. Ennis disregarded their yells, getting back into his truck and throwing a quick middle finger out the window before starting the truck and heading back to the motel.

𐚁₊⊹

Jack was still asleep by the time Ennis came through the door, carrying a jacket wrapped puppy in his arms. He awoke however, at the feeling of the bed dipping as Ennis sat down.

“‘Nnis… sweetheart…” he placed a hand on Ennis’ back and frowned, “why’re you wet?” 

“Had to go out and grab some things,” he responded, remembering the pack of cards still in his jacket pocket. 

Jack rubbed his eyes and sat up, noticing something on the chair in the corner, “what’s that? On the chair?”

“‘S a dog.”

Confusion was a look most endearing on the face of Jack Twist, especially when it was accompanied by a sense of excited happiness.

“A dog?”

“That’s what I said.”

“Friend, this is mighty confusin’. Where’d ya get a fuckin’ dog from?”

“I hit it with yer truck.”

Jack couldn’t help but let out a laugh, “Bud, I appreciate the gesture, but I didn’t want a dog that bad. Honestly I would prefer ya didn’t go runnin’ puppies over.”

Ennis turned a gave Jack a playful smack on the shoulder, “idiot. I din’t mean to hit the damn thing. I just did and it ain’t fair to leave a soakin’ wet hurt dog in the middle o’ the road.”

“Ah. So do we get to keep it?” 

“Spose so,” Ennis shrugged. He was then surprised when Jack suddenly flung his arms around his neck and gave him a fat kiss on the cheek.

“I gotta shower friend, but when I come out I am gonna meet this damn dog you ran over fer me!” Ennis rolled his eyes at Jack’s words and watched as he hurriedly shuffled off to the bathroom. 

Ennis stood and walked over to the bundle of jacket, scooping it up ever so delicately and bringing it over to the bed, laying it down to get a closer look at the injury. Ennis Del Mar was no vet tech, but he did know a thing or two about caring for animals and had fixed a few broken calf limbs while living on his parents ranch.

“Hey there little darlin’…” he whispered softly, trying to soothe the whimpers and pained yelps emitting from the small animal. Deciding that making a splint was probably the best option, Ennis slid his belt from its loops and grabbed a rolled up newspaper from the side table. It didn’t look to be that make of a break so hopefully a simple splint would do. The puppy snapped as soon as Ennis touched her leg and he retreated his hand, then letting the collie sniff him before resuming constructing the splint.

“Shhh… yer okay…”

The newspaper kept the leg relatively straight, and most of the whimpers ceased.

“That better girl?” Ennis smiled, reaching a hand down to softly pet the matted fur.

A few minutes later he heard the bathroom door open and Jack, with only a towel wrapped around his lower half, came out, hair dripping water and a wide smile on his face.

“Aww Ennis Del Mar, fixin’ up baby animals. Never took ya for the Snow White type cowboy,” Jack chuckled, coming closer to get a look. He knelt down next to Ennis, letting the dog sniff his hand before giving it a gentle ruffle of fur.

“Hey Tillie… yer a good girl ain’t ya?” 

Ennis scoffed, “you already gave her a name?”

“Sure did. She’s a Tillie,” the now crowned Tillie licked a wet stripe across Jack’s forehead, “yes you are!” He let out a boyish laugh and nudged Ennis with his shoulder, “best birthday present ever En.” 

“Hell, it ain’t even yer birthday yet, don’t get too ahead of yerself.”

𐚁₊⊹

The morning of Jack’s birthday was cloudy and rainy, which put a slight damper on the newly begun day.

“It’s too damn cold to go outside,” Jack whined, rolling onto his back and running a hand down his face. It was early even for Ennis. They’d been woken up an hour ago by Tillie, who was now asleep on the armchair, needing to go out and already Ennis was regretting picking up the damn thing. But not really.

“Doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy yer birthday darlin’…” Ennis murmured against Jack’s neck, pressing a kiss there. He truly wanted the day to be special. While he himself didn’t really care for birthdays, Ennis knew that deep down Jack did, and knowing as much as he did about the man’s childhood, days of celebration must not have been pleasant. 

“Yeah? What d’you wanna do?” Jack had a look of mischief on his face that told Ennis what he was thinking of wasn’t going out for breakfast at the borderline gross diner down the road. 

“It’s yer day rodeo…” Ennis breathed out, letting his eyes close as Jack turned to suck a mark into his neck. 

“So it is,” Jack responded, pulling Ennis over him with a gleaming smile on his face. Ennis couldn’t help but smile back, leaning down to pepper kisses all over Jack’s face, then going to his lips and drawing a whine from the man. 

“Happy birthday darlin’,” he whispered, curling his fingers in messy locks of dark hair.

Jack smiled, admiring the blush pinking Ennis’ cheeks, “thank you sweetheart…” Jack had been calling him that often lately, and to be completely transparent, Ennis didn’t mind it. He had in the beginning, but that version of himself was no longer existent. Most of it anyway. 

Just as Ennis slid his hands under Jack’s shirt, causing the man to shiver and press into the touch, the phone rang. Jack groaned and grabbed Ennis’ wrists to keep his hands in place.

“Jus’ let it ring En. Please?” The look on his face was almost impossible to refuse, but Ennis gave him one last kiss and reached over to pick up the phone. There was a mumbled fuckin’ phone and then the ringing stopped as Ennis answered.

“Hello?” 

“Ennis! It’s Jo. Just wanted ta call and wish Jack a happy birthday!” Jolene replied cheerily, and Ennis wondered how she knew Jack’s birthday and he hadn’t. Jack heard his name on the other side of the phone accompanied by Jolene’s voice and, still beneath Ennis, leaned up to speak.

“Hi Jo!” He said excitedly, quite flattered and surprised that she remembered the date.

Ennis heard Jolene giggle and then continue, “hello Jack. There’s somethings that have been going on here that I thought y’all would like to know about…”

Ennis’ brown creased a little and he nodded to himself, “yeah?”

“Well Anthony and William, those fellas that hurt you, Jack, They’ve been arrested,” Jack felt overwhelming happiness flood his body. He was never really worried about them coming back, but at least the sons of bitches got what they deserved, “an’ lemme tell you, I visited them in jail and had a few choice words to say. Jail guard almost had to ask me to leave!” She laughed, clearly recalling the moment to herself.

Both Jack and Ennis chuckled too, sharing the phone between them. 

“‘Nother thing, an’ I think you’ll really appreciate this, I got a friend from highshool that lives down in Fredricksburg, and sadly her brother just passed away. But, she is selling his house,” Ennis spoke up to ask a million questions a minute but Jolene anticipated it, “and yes, it’s outside of town, quite a bit actually, there’s a few acres of land, the house isn’t very large but it’s nice. Humble.”

Jack turned to look at Ennis with pure, glowing elation evident on his face.

“Holy shit…” Jack whispered, running a hand through his hair.

“Well fuck Jo, we’ll fuckin’ take it,” Ennis said into the phone, his own dimpled smile on full display.

Jolene breathed a sigh of relief, “well I hoped you would, I already told her you’d want it.” 

“Thank you Jo,” Jack replied.

“Yer very much welcome. Both of ya,” Jolene was using her older sister voice, the kind and caring one.

Ennis was about to say goodbye and hang up when she spoke once more, “an’ im pregnant.”

Both of the cowboys let out an audible gasp at that. 

“No fuckin’ way,” Jack exclaimed, receiving a light smack upside the head from Ennis which he then returned in the form of a shove.

“That’s… that’s just great Jo, really. I can’t wait to meet ‘em,” Ennis hadn’t yet got the chance to meet K.E’s kid, and he was somewhat disappointed. He promised himself that he was going to be the best uncle for his yet to be born niece or nephew.

“Thank you Ennis. I should let you fellas go I guess…”

“Yeah. Bye Jolene.”

“I love you, Ennis.” 

Ennis drew in a breath, he was the kind of guy that needed to prepare for these types of things. It had taken him months to say it to Jack. At some point during his childhood he’d probably said it to Jo, but children don’t know what love means, Ennis Del Mar doesn’t know what love means sometimes.

He cleared his throat, “love you too,” and hung up, feeling a strange kind of relief when the words left his mouth.

Ennis reverted his gaze back to Jack, “we got ourselves a house rodeo.”

“Yer goddamn right we do.”

Chapter Text

The excitement of Jack’s birthday along with the reassuring feeling that they finally had an idea of a future home cleared the dark clouds from Ennis’ mind. Though the real ones remained outside, there was quite literally nothing that could ruin a perfect day such as this. 

In thirty minutes Ennis had already figured out they had enough money gathered to start a mortgage on the property, and decided they’d move in the next four days, which seemed soon to Jack, not that he was complaining. If anything he was ecstatic. He hadn’t seen Ennis so lit up about anything for a while.

“It’s nearly 9:30 darlin’… gotta get up at some point,” Ennis mumbled, tucked under Jack’s left arm. 

“Jus’ wanna stay here fer a while…” Jack replied sleepily, groaning when he heard Tillie whining at the door, “she’s been out at least six times En’.”

Ennis chuckled, “yer the one that wanted a dog…”

“You’re the one that hit the damn thing,” Jack got a swat to the arm at that comment and laughed, ruffling Ennis’ hair and shifting so he was straddling the man. They kissed deep and slow, Ennis’ hands cradling Jack’s jaw. He then broke the kiss to murmur against Jack’s lips.

“Got you a gift rodeo,”

“Really? Cmon Ennis ya didn’t have to,” Jack replied,  stroking Ennis’ cheek. 

“You know I did.”

Their lips meet again and Jack twirled Ennis’ curls around his finger, making another sound of annoyance when yet again Tillie scratched at the door. 

“Let up rodeo, take Tillie outside an’ I’ll get yer gift.

At that, Jack sprung out of the bed, pulled on a pair of jeans and whistled for Tillie to follow him out the door, which she did. Ennis chuckled and slipped out from under the covers, walking over to his jacket still laying on the chair from yesterday and grabbing the cards from the pocket. 

Not long after Jack reentered, a ball of wet dog cuddled in his arms. He laughed as Tillie licked at his face and Ennis watched with a feeling of pure joy. He still couldn’t comprehend that they had forever together. There was no more saying goodbye at dawn and not seeing the other until dusk. Ennis now got to wake up every morning to the most gorgeous man he’d ever seen. The only man he’d ever think or call beautiful. He realized, with horror, there were tears in his eyes.

Jack looked up from the wriggling animal, his full tooth smile fading when he saw Ennis’ moistened eyes, “everything alright friend?” 

“‘M fine,” Ennis sniffed and then shoved his hands deep in his jeans pockets, averting his eyes.

“It’s okay to cry, Ennis,” Jack’s tone was soft, careful. The same tone he used with the spooked horses on Brokeback.

“I ain’t cryin’.” 

“Whatever you say, sweetheart. You got a gift to give me?” 

Ennis released a breath of relief at the change in subject, “sure do.”

They sat side by side on the bed, Tillie curled up on Jack’s chest, dozing off. Ennis fished the cards out of his pocket and handed them to Jack, nervously anticipating his reaction while chewing a hangnail.

Jack’s eyes brightened when he saw the packet, Ennis was pretty sure he could’ve just gotten the man normal cards and he would’ve been more than content. Seeing the title excited Jack even more and shaky fingers fumbled with the tape on the top of the small box.

Each card was intricately decorated with a drawing of the mountain and the title at the top. Jack flipped through the cards and Ennis looked over his shoulder, seeing Mount Warren, Grand Teton, Mount Helen, and many others. Ennis knew which one Jack was searching for. How couldn’t he?

Jack flipped past another card and stopped. He gently brushed his fingers over the face of the card and let a breath out of his nose. 

Brokeback Mountain. 

Jack swallowed the lump in his throat and scrubbed at his eyes, taking deep breaths to stop the heavy flow of tears he knew were coming. 

“Shit, Ennis. This is…” he wiped at his eyes again, “incredible. Thank you friend…” tears ran down Jack’s face and now he just let them, covering his face with both hands and feeling Ennis’ hand on the back of his neck.

“C’mere…” Ennis pulled Jack to his chest, waking Tillie who scampered off the bed to hop onto the chair.

Small sobs shook Jack’s body and Ennis’ shushed him, not the kind of man who knew how to soothe cryers. He kissed Jack’s hair, murmuring sweet nothings into the dark brown shag that definitely needed to be cut. Jack’s muffled voice cracked as he spoke,

“Thank you Ennis. Thank you so much,” he managed to get out.

“‘S not a thing darlin’…” 

                                     𐚁₊⊹

The rest of the day was mostly spent inside, but the pair played cards, and later in the evening they went to the diner and had steaks. Jack wanted to go to a bar and he inevitably got rip roaring drunk so much so Ennis nearly had to carry him back to the motel.

“Let’s get a move on Jack, it’s nearly 1:00am,” Ennis warned, sounding exasperated as they reached the truck.

“‘S my birthday, friend,” he slurred, heavily leaning on the man holding him up, “I can do whatever the f-fuck I want…”

“Sure ya can,” Ennis replied, opening the passenger side door and shoving Jack into the cab of the truck. Jack groaned, rubbing his head where it was smacked against the doorframe. He grabbed Ennis before he could round the truck to get to the driver's side, looking deep into his eyes.

“Thank you Ennis… means a lot to me, that you care…” he leaned in for a kiss and Ennis pulled back, they were in a public parking lot after all. The look on Jack’s face causes a pang of guilt in Ennis’ chest, but really, what else was he supposed to do? 

The drive back was quiet, entirely because Jack fell asleep, his head on Ennis’ shoulder. 

When they arrived back at the motel Ennis parked the truck and took a second to relish in the feeling of Jack’s warm body against his. He’d have to deal with a hungover rodeo cowboy the next day, but he really didn’t mind. It was Jack after all, Ennis would take any version of him in a heartbeat. 

Jack stirred and rubbed his eyes, sitting up in his seat. Ennis was about to suggest they go inside when Jack threw up. All over the dashboard. And the footwell. And himself. 

Ennis just blinked, watching as Jack wiped his mouth with his sleeve.

“Goddamnit Jack…” Ennis whispered, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers.

“Sorry…” Jack sat there for a second, in his own vomit until Ennis went around to the passengers side to let him out.

Jack was able to walk himself to the door without collapsing, instead flopping onto the bed and nearly missing it as soon as he got inside. Tillie got up from her spot on the floor and trotted over to inspect the man.

“Take yer shirt off,” Ennis ordered, setting the keys on the table. 

“Woah there cowboy, you must think I’m easy!” Jack chuckled drunkenly, but obeying nonetheless and beginning to unbutton his shirt.

Ennis rolled his eyes and took Jack’s button up, helping him pull his undershirt over his head, leaving his top half bare. 

“Right, you stay here, I’m gonna have to go an’ clean that fuckin’ mess you made, you should probably get some sleep…”  

Jack whined, tugging on Ennis’ arm, trying to pull him towards the bed.

“Ennnnisss, I don’t want you to go…” Ennis swore there were actual tears in the man’s eyes.

“Jack, yer drunk, go to sleep. I’ll be back soon enough,” Ennis let Jack give his hand a quick squeeze and watched as he flopped back onto the bed again, giving Jack a small smile before walking out the door to the truck.

                                      𐚁₊⊹

Four days later they had all of their belongings packed and were on the road to their new home. Jack had been on the verge of tears since he’d woken up that morning. All their arguments, all those moments of shame and hate for each other as well as themselves, all of that, had led to something Jack had been wanting his whole life. A home. He ran a hand through Tillie’s fur while his other hand entwined with Ennis’.

The property was about an hour outside of town which Ennis was more than happy about. The dry plain of Texas wasn’t much to look at, so Jack stared at Ennis instead. Ennis felt the eyes on him and turned, a slight frown on his face. 

“What’s wrong?” He questioned, reverting his gaze back to the road.

“Nothin’. Yer mighty handsome s’all…” Jack grinned, holding back a laugh as Ennis turned bright red. 

“Smells like shit in here by the way,” he added, and Ennis scoffed.

“It’s yer own fault bud. I cleaned it the best I could, but you sure as hell made a mess, yer upchuckin’ an’ all,” he replied, removing his hand from Jack’s to chew at a hangnail.

Jack shrugged, “still the best birthday I ever had… yer amazin’ Ennis…” he trailed off, thinking of the many shitty birthdays that in no way compared to the one the day before.

Ennis just hummed in response, he could never take a compliment. Especially not from someone as eye openingly remarkable as Jack. 

“Yer gettin’ old rodeo…” Ennis suggests mischievously, a grin growing on his lips.

“Oh fuck off,” Jack grumbled, but Ennis could tell he was only half serious by the way his eyes glittered and how his mouth turned up at the edges. 

Not long after a house came into view. It was small, painted dark green with a mini wraparound porch and trees surrounding it. In the distance was a barn, and beyond that a few grain silos. 

Jack whispered, voice cracking with emotion, “holy shit…”

Ennis took Jack’s hand once again, stroking it with his thumb, “it’s ours darlin’…” he turned the truck into the dirt driveway and parked, both of them sitting in silence for a few moments.

Tears sprung to Jack’s eyes and he squeezed Ennis’ hand. All he could think about was his fourteen year old self praying to god every night to change him. To save him from the hell his own choices had created. The choices that didn’t feel like sin, but by the way his daddy beat him, they sure as shit were. All he’d wanted was to get out of that goddamn house. And now he was. Despite his daddy’s words Jack could be happy, he could be safe. 

“Let’s go inside Jack,” Ennis suggested, watching him with a little bit of worry.

Jack managed a nod and let go of Ennis’ hand to get out of the truck. Tillie followed behind at their heels.

The porch creaked a bit when they stepped on it, but neither minded. Ennis reached for the handle and turned it, opening the door to a cozy living room. A faded red couch (which Tillie then curled up on) and chair on the right side of the room and a tv on the other. There was a coffee table in the middle and a heater in the corner of the room. There was a door leading to a kitchen just outside the living room to the right. A dining table up against the left wall with a few chairs around it and a stove, fridge, and sink on the other side. The hallway curved to the left with three doors on either side of it, one a bathroom and two bedrooms, the one closest to the end of the hallway being the master with a small attached bathroom of its own.

Standing in their own bedroom Jack was dumbstruck. It was beautiful. And it was theirs. He turned towards Ennis, who looked just as speechless.

“It’s ours, cowboy. Our fuckin’ house,” was all he got out before he was being pulled into a nose crushing kiss. Jack let out a surprised noise but quickly brought his hands up to grip Ennis’ curls as Ennis’ hands gripped his hips.

“Yer damn right it is…” Ennis mumbled against Jack’s lips, resting their foreheads together. Jack chuckled, looping his arms around Ennis’ neck, walking backwards towards the bed and pulling Ennis with him. 

Ennis pulled back for a second, a questioning look on his face, “Jack, we should really bring the bags in first, darlin’.”

“They can wait, cowboy…” Jack responded, peppering kisses along Ennis’ collarbone. His hands were reaching for the man’s belt and Ennis grabbed his wrist gently.

“It’ll take two seconds, rodeo,” he argued, though it was getting increasingly difficult to stay focused and his grip on Jack’s wrist loosened significantly. Jack’s pleading look faded to a displeased one and Ennis gave him a quick kiss before walking out of the bedroom to retrieve their bags.

Jack sighed and was about to go check out the master bathroom when he heard Ennis enter the room again, mumbling something about forgetting the keys before pulling Jack in by his shirt and kissing him just as hard as before. 

In between kisses and popping buttons Jack muttered, “what… what about the bags?” 

“Left the keys in here… don’t give a damn about those bags anymore… seeing you here,” hearing those words out of Ennis’ mouth set Jack on fire, and he nearly lost it right then and there.

“Fuck,” Jack all but moaned out, finally shrugging his own button up off and pulling his undershirt over his head. Ennis immediately reached for the waistline of Jack’s jeans, slipping a hand inside and getting a soft groan from him.

They eventually made it to the bed, Jack on top and struggling with Ennis’ belt. There was something about it Ennis just couldn’t shake.

“Jack,” Ennis’ voice was barely audible, and Jack continued with his belt, his tongue stuck out in concentration.

“Jack.”

This time Jack looked up, a concerned look on his face, “you alright? Did I go too far—” Ennis cut him off before he could go too far off the rails. 

“I want you to…” he struggled with his words for a minute, finding comfort in Jack’s reassuring gaze, “I want you to fuck me.”

The look on Jack’s face was unreadable. 

“If you don’t want to, that's fine, I just, shit I dunno—” this time Jack silenced him, placing a palm on his cheek.

“We can. If you want to. Shit Ennis, I thought you’d never ask,” he shrugged, “just caught me by surprise s’all.”

Ennis nodded slowly, “okay.” 

“We can take it as slow as you want it, cowboy. S’long as yer comfortable an’ all,” the soft smile on Jack’s face comforted Ennis, and he nodded again, bringing the man down for a kiss. 

Jack was the gentlest Ennis had ever seen him. It was as if the crazy, erratic, easily excited rodeo cowboy was tucked away. Soft touches and grabbing hands turned into something meaningful and somewhat liberating. Ennis had never felt so cared for, so loved as he did with Jack, and this moment was no different. 

Afterwards Ennis lay tucked up beside Jack, his breathing deep and slow, feeling completely boneless. 

“You okay?” Jack mumbled into Ennis’ hair, stroking his back.

“Yeah.”

“D’you want some water? I don’t know if the shit here is drinkable, but I can find so—”

Ennis let out a breathless laugh, “I’m fine. Don’t need you goin’ and diggin’ a well or some shit…” Jack laughed as well and then they both went quiet again. Until of course, Jack broke the silence.

“I love you Ennis. More than anyone.” 

The words rang out in the quiet, nearly empty space. Filling every corner of the room and Ennis’ heart.

“I love you too…” he managed in response. 

They fell asleep after cleaning themselves off, Ennis’ head on Jack’s chest and Jack’s hand in Ennis’ hair. Both of their minds were quiet for the first time in weeks. There was nothing to worry about. No tire irons or eternal hell preaching priests. Those things couldn’t exist in the mind of a person so focused on something else. On someone else. Ennis decided right then and there he would rather die a thousand deaths and burn in hell forever than have this very moment stripped from his memory.

Or any memories of Jack for that matter.

Chapter Text

Jack woke the next morning in his own home. Their own home. Ennis was sound asleep beside him, laying flat on his stomach, arms lazily spread above his head. He was probably exhausted from driving and the constant state of excitement they’d both been in. It made sense, Ennis often got tired just from talking, he needed his own time to be by himself. 

Jack was on top of the world. 

He smiled to himself and sat up, intending to shower, when he felt a warm hand on his back. Jack turned to see Ennis looking at him, face blank, expressionless. Jack’s brown creased and he reached a hand down to cup Ennis’ jaw.

“Everythin’ alright cowboy?” 

“Yeah. Jus’ looking at ya…” upon saying the words Ennis blushed and turned his head to hide his face in the pillow. Jack chuckled and laid back down, giving the man a gentle shove. 

“I’m gonna get a shower. You wanna join?” 

Ennis contemplated, “I need a few more minutes… ‘m tired as shit…” 

Jack nodded and pressed a quick kiss to Ennis’ forehead before heading into the attached bathroom. It was relatively nice, the shower was quite small, which was fine, he and Ennis would just have to squish in closer, and Jack sure as hell didn’t mind the idea of that. He undressed and turned the knob, hot water quickly spraying from the shower head.

Ennis lay still on their bed, trying to get at least five minutes more of sleep. He wasn’t used to being so tired. Ennis was a “rise with the sun” type guy, and was horrified if he woke a minute past 6:00 am. Once they started their ranch sleeping in would be a rarity, but it was alright for the time being. 

He rolled over, face pressed into Jack’s pillow, breathing in his scent, a mix of sweat and whiskey and shaving cream. Ennis could never get enough of it. It was distinct and intoxicating, it was Jack.

There was just under three weeks until thanksgiving, and already Ennis was wishing he could see Jolene again. He hadn’t minded being away from neither his sister nor brother while on Brokeback, but he and Jo had grown closer over the few weeks he and Jack had stayed there. In past years, Ennis had spent thanksgiving with Alma’s family, since he wasn’t too set on driving all the way to Jo’s for only a few nights. Obviously that wasn’t an option anymore, so the newfound closeness of the siblings had quite a few perks. 

Ennis heard the bathroom door open and Jack walked out, toweling his hair.

“You need a haircut rodeo,” Ennis chuckled, leaning on an elbow and looking up at the man from the bed. 

“Ya keep sayin’ so, if yer so keen on the damn idea cut it yerself!” Jack argued, a smile tugging at his lips. Ennis smirked and grabbed the edge of the towel around Jack’s waist, pulling him forward and down—nearly pulling the towel off in the process, and then placing a fat kiss on his lips. 

“Ennis… En…” Jack was smiling against Ennis’ lips and trying to pull away. Ennis released him, a slight grin on his face.

“Go an’ shower asshole, I’ll get some coffee goin’. We ain’t got any food in the house so that’ll have to do fer now. Not that you’ll care, ya damn camel…” Jack pulled on a pair of boxers and Ennis slid out of bed to go shower, mumbling “fuck off”, but then feeling bad and placing a kiss on Jack’s cheek.

Jack got fully dressed then exited the bedroom, immediately being hit with a wave of cold air. He would have to check if the heater was still working at some point. Though the kitchen was quite small, it was enough. There were only two of them anyway. Despite having no food, there was in fact a coffee strainer, and, surprisingly, a few mugs in the cupboard. Jack grabbed two mugs and set them on the counter, humming to himself as he prepared the drinks.

After a few minutes a pair of suntanned freckled arms wrapped around Jack’s waist. Ennis was being awfully affectionate, Jack thought, not at all complaining, it was just unusual. Maybe it was because they finally had walls that were theirs. He feels safe, Jack decided.

“Hey cowboy.”

Ennis grunted in response, pressing a kiss into Jack’s neck, right where a purpling bruise was forming from earlier activities. 

They sat together at their little kitchen table, sipping their coffees and casting amused glances at each other. Ennis was the first to speak, setting down his drink.

“Jo says there’s some folks ‘round here wantin’ to sell some stock, pretty good deal too…” 

Jack nodded along, “might as well look into it, we’re pretty much shit poor though bud,” he chuckled.

“Maybe we should get you back on ‘em bulls, sure they got some good rodeos ‘round here, good money too,” Ennis responded, a teasing look on his face.

“Dunno if I can take another without breaking my goddamn neck, wanna be able to live past twenty.”

Ennis shrugged, “you were pretty shit anyway, ain’t much point…” he was trying his hardest to keep a straight face but lost it when Jack lunged across the table, tackling him to the cold linoleum.

The pair giggled like little girls, rolling around on the probably disgusting floor. 

Ennis flipped them over and straddled Jack, grinning down at him, looking happier than Jack had ever seen him. He leaned down and kissed Jack sweetly, gently threading his fingers through his hair.

“Yer quite the romantic Ennis Del Mar,” Jack smiled, stroking the man’s cheek. Ennis blushed, turning away, embarrassed.

“Any specific reason? No offense but you’re not usually this…” Jack struggled with the word, “loving,” he winced at how it sounded, hoping Ennis would understand. 

Ennis looked down at Jack, deep brown eyes thoughtful, “I like— being alone with you. Really alone,” Jack nodded, staring up at him, “yer the first person I ever loved, Jack. Besides my mama. An’ she woulda loved you.” Both Jack and Ennis knew deep down that last part probably wasn’t true. A mother couldn’t love the man that drove her son to sin. She could claim her boy had strayed from the flock and try her best to gather him back, making excuses for her maternal, unconditional love. But Jack knew there were no excuses for him. He’d chosen that life. Ennis had just been dragged down with him.

Jack reached up and twirled a curl around his finger, something he knew Ennis thought was “pansy like”, but he himself thought it was endearing to see the shy look on Ennis’ face when he did it. 

They eventually did get up off the floor, dusting themselves off and finishing their now lukewarm coffee.

“There ain’t a damn thing in here ta eat, so we’re gonna have to go to the store I guess,” Jack suggested, leaning against the kitchen counter.

“I’ll go,” Ennis responded, grabbing the truck keys from the table and turning to leave.

“Ennis we can go together y’know. Done it before.”

Ennis remembered the last time. And he didn’t want a repeat of it. He recalled the cold, clenched fear he’d felt hearing what he heard. Ennis hadn’t told Jack about it. It was a while ago now, so there wasn’t much point. A lot had happened in the past two months. 

“I got it darlin’.”

“But En—“

“I got it, Jack.”

His answer was final. There was no anger in his voice, just firm decisiveness. Jack had accepted a long time ago that Ennis may never get over some aspects of his fear, and apparently that was one of them. All he could do was nod and gesture for a kiss, which he received, before Ennis walked out the kitchen and then the front door.

                                       𐚁₊⊹

The store was quiet, which Ennis appreciated. He did feel a bit bad for not allowing Jack to tag along, but it was for the best he’d decided. 

Not quite sure what exactly to buy, he browsed for a while before just picking up the essentials, bacon, a random kind of cereal, milk, pasta, and a few microwave dinners, because let’s face it, both of them were pretty shit cooks.

There was an older man working the cash register and Ennis groaned inwardly. He looked like the type that liked to make small talk. And sure enough, when Ennis reached the counter, he was greeted with a full toothed grin, which made his mustache turn up at the corners.

“Howdy! I ain’t seen you ‘round here before. Just moved?” 

Ennis nodded.

“Well I’m Howard Benville, nice ta meetcha,” he stuck out a hand and Ennis returned a firm shake, replying lowly,

“Ennis.” 

For whatever reason Ennis wasn’t a fan of giving out his last name. He hadn’t even used his full name when introducing himself to Jack. Until he asked of course.

“Well you have a great day now Ennis!” Howard announced cheerily, handing Ennis his bag of groceries and waving him off.

“Sure enough…” Ennis replied, exiting the glass doors and walking towards the beaten up truck parked beside the curb. 

                                       𐚁₊⊹

Jack spent some time organizing their clothes into the bedroom drawers, which didn’t take too long, neither he nor Ennis had an abundance of clothes, and they shared most of the time anyway. He then sat on the couch trying to get the tv to work, but was unsuccessful. There wasn’t much to do without Ennis around. Jack knew how dependent they were on each other, it was scary to think about how his life could’ve turned out without Ennis. 

He thought about what Ennis had said earlier, about his mom. Jack was sure that his mother would adore Ennis, no matter what he’d brought out in her son. Rose was a, “hate the sin, love the sinner” type. His daddy, however, was different. He was more of a, “hate the sin, don’t give a fuck about the sinner especially if it’s my son”. The thought made Jack chuckle. 

While on the topic of his parents he remembered he and Ennis were supposed to be going to Jolene’s for Thanksgiving. It was nice spending time with Ennis’ family, a hell of a lot better than going to the Twist residence. But I made Jack think. He hadn’t seen his family for over five months. He knew John wouldn’t care, but his mama might. A pang of guilt shocked him. What kind of son was he? All his mama had ever done was try her best, and he’d just up and left. 

Just then Ennis entered through the front door juggling two paper bags of groceries, which Jack got up to help him with. 

“People are too damn friendly in this town…” Ennis grumbled, throwing the keys onto the coffee table.

“Yer just not friendly enough ya grumpy bastard,” Jack shot back, making a noise of surprise when Ennis roughly grabbed him by the waist and pulled him into a hard kiss.

“Who’s not friendly enough now, huh?” Ennis mumbled, gripping Jack hips and shoving him against the back of the couch. 

Jack let out a soft groan and tilted his head back as Ennis sucked bruises into his neck and collarbone. 

“Still you,” Jack breathed, gripping onto the couch for dear life. He felt Ennis smile against his lips, something that had become more common in the past few days. Ennis smiling, that is.

After a few minutes they just stood like that, arms wrapped around each other, leaning against the couch. Ennis had his head tucked into Jack’s neck and was humming the song that his mama used to sing, low and sweet, warming Jack inside and out.

“I was thinkin’ darlin’…” Ennis began, testing the waters, anxious about how Jack would react to his idea.

“Yeah?”

“Would you wanna visit yer folks before we head onto Jolene’s? We don’t gotta but I was just—” 

“No.”

“No? You don’t wanna think about it er anythin’?”

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea,” Jack shrugged. Despite feeling a small amount of regret regarding his absence when it comes to his mama, there was no way he was going to bring Ennis there. His daddy would take one look at the two of them and just know. Like he had with all of Jack’s “friends”.

“You can’t run from them forever, Jack.”

Jack scowled, “you don’t know shit about what I’m doing, it sure as hell ain’t runnin’,” he argued, releasing his arms from around Ennis’ waist.

“Just think ‘bout it okay?” 

Jack scoffed, “you have no clue Ennis Del Mar, what that son of a bitch put me through. No fuckin’ idea,” he shoved Ennis a little and he stumbled back, a look of pure confusion on his face. Jack honestly had no idea why he was so worked up about the subject. After all, he himself had just been contemplating the idea that Ennis had only suggested. 

Ennis was trying his utmost to keep his anger in check. He knew Jack had had a difficult childhood, he had too. But no matter what he still wished he’d had more time with his mama before she was gone forever. 

“The hell is yer problem?” Ennis spat, a deep frown creasing his brows that were relaxed only minutes ago.

“Go fuck yerself, Ennis,” was all Jack said before he stormed out of the living room and down the hallways to their bedroom.

Ennis stood there, dumbfounded and a little hurt. Jack’s change in mood whenever the subject of family was brought up was no mystery to him. There clearly was, and always had been, a rift between Jack and his father. And Ennis was aware of why. But from his point of view he just couldn’t fathom how someone could refuse to speak to their parents. He’d give his life to ensure Jo and K.E could have a stabler childhood. One that included parents and the absence of a younger brother to take care of. He’d give anything to speak to his mama again. To hear her sing again. 

But then again, it was Jack’s family, not his. Ennis could never truly understand what it was like in Jack’s situation. How it felt to live in that house for nineteen years of his life. Ennis didn’t hate his father, even though he probably should, he couldn’t bring himself to. That was the difference between him and Jack. Jack accepted that his father was a bastard and a shitty parent, whereas Ennis pushed all the negative thoughts of his parents down. His father’s drinking, his mother sobbing every night after the two of them fought, the grief just overshadowed the shit ton of bad memories. 

Ennis felt bad for even mentioning the idea to Jack. Of course he wouldn’t want to go visit. Why would he ever want to step foot in that house again? Stubborn ass, Ennis cursed himself, you of all people should understand.

He pushed off the back of the couch and went down the hallway in search of the rodeo cowboy, peeking into the bedroom and seeing Jack laying on the bed on side with his back to Ennis.

“Hey little darlin’,” Ennis spoke softly, leaning against the doorframe.

No answer.

“Jack.”

When he once again received silence in reply, Ennis sat down on the opposite side of the bed, laying a palm against Jack’s back. 

“‘M sorry Jack. I wasn’t thinkin’, yer right. I don’t know what you’ve been through. So maybe you could tell me?” Ennis surprised himself with the calmness of his voice and the forwardness of the question. 

Jack turned upon hearing the last bit, eyes red and cheeks tear stained. 

“You really wanna know?” His voice shook and Ennis nodded slowly. He knew the surface of it, how Jack’s dad was physically and emotionally abusive, but he didn’t know the extent, the specifics.

A few minutes later Ennis’ head was resting on Jack’s chest as they shared a cigarette, which Jack was hogging but Ennis supposed it was fair given the conversation they were about to have.

“Mama said he was fine when I was born. Proud, even. He’d always wanted a son, someone to teach how to ride an’ shit… when I was around five er six, he changed. Got angry real easy, yelled at my mama a lot more. Never laid a hand on her though, that was his limit,” Jack chuckled, taking another drag of the cigarette, “was no limit fer me…” 

Ennis' heart broke for Jack. He took the cigarette as Jack passed it, listening intently.

“When I was ‘bout five he— I had trouble with buttons n’ zippers, couldn’t get my damn pants undone. Pissed myself trying fiddlin’ with the fuckin’ clasp,” he took the cigarette back, “an’ then he came in. Saw the mess I made of myself, and…” Jack cleared his throat, breathing through the wave of tears that threatened to spill, “the bastard pissed on me right back, Ennis.” 

Ennis looked up at Jack, pure hate filling his head at the thought of Jack’s father doing that to him. 

“I know I’ve said this before,” Ennis began, reaching a hand up to stroke Jack’s cheek, “but you didn’t deserve any of what he did to you. No matter the circumstance darlin’.”

Jack nodded, for once not meeting Ennis’ eyes.

“The thing is, I want to see them. My folks. Well, my mama mostly. I don’t know why I got so mixed up when you mentioned it…” there were tears in Jack’s eyes and as they fell Ennis wiped them away, shifting to fully straddle Jack. 

“You sure you wanna go? Cause we don’t have to. I promise I won’t let that son of a bitch touch you. Jack, I swear.”

Jack nodded, offering a small smile, “I sure am lucky, ain’t I?”

Ennis shook his head, completely serious, “I’m the lucky one little darlin’.”

Chapter Text

Jack shoved one last shirt into his duffel bag and then zipped it up. It had been three weeks since he and Ennis’ argument, and now they were packing to go see his parents on the way to Jolene’s. They’d decided to stay there for one night, Jack knowing he couldn’t handle any more than that, depending on the mood his father was in. When Jack had called to confirm their visit, John had answered and scoffed at Ennis’ name, mumbling something he couldn’t make out over the phone.

Ennis entered the bedroom, truck keys in hand and his own bag slung over his shoulder. Tillie followed along at his heels, anxiously waiting to see where they were going.

“Ready?”

Jack took one last look around the bedroom, then reached down to pick up the duffel. 

“Guess so.”

Ennis noticed the nervousness in Jack’s tone. He’d found that gentle reassurance was the key to calming him down. That and maybe an occasional kiss to the forehead. 

“You alright?” Ennis questioned, watching as Jack scanned the room again, with absolutely no purpose this time.

“Yeah,” Jack replied somewhat absently.

“Jack.”

“Mhm?”

“C’mere.” 

Ennis gestured for Jack to come closer, wrapping him up in his arms when he did. Jack lay all of his weight on Ennis, causing the other man to hold him tighter.

“I know yer scared Jack—,” Ennis began, Jack quickly cutting him off.

“I ain’t scar—” 

“Lemme finish. I know yer scared, which scares the shit outta me cause I’m supposed to be the one worryin’. You’re a whole lot better at controlling yerself than I am darlin’.”

Jack was quiet. He realized just how much Ennis had changed over the past months. In this type of situation the roles would be reversed, Jack trying his best to calm Ennis down while Ennis denied having any worries at all. 

“I love you En,” Jack replied, reaching up to cradle Ennis’ face, which at first he shied away from, but ending up just letting it happen, leaning into the warm palm. 

“Love ya too Jack.”

                              𐚁₊⊹

Jack, being the only one of the two that knew how to get to Lightning Flat was the chosen driver. It wasn’t that Ennis didn’t like Jack driving, but he didn’t necessarily feel safe being in the passenger seat with him at the wheel. 

“Jesus Christ Jack! Can you take that goddamn turn any faster?” Ennis exclaimed, gripping the door handle for stability. Tillie yelped as Ennis hold on her loosened.

Jack scoffed, “relax cowboy, ain’t that bad. I got my license…”

“Oh really, that’s great ta hear,” Ennis grumbled sarcastically, leaning back in his seat and taking a deep breath, “even Tillie’s pissed off…”

Jack laughed at the expression on his face, suddenly feeling better about the situation. Ennis smiled back, then started to chew a hangnail absentmindedly. Despite Jack’s reckless driving, Ennis was a little relieved he wasn’t the one having to stay awake for over seven hours until they reached a motel. There was no possible way they could make it the full sixteen hours without either of them falling asleep. 

Jack turned the radio up and hummed along, taking one hand off of the steering wheel and tapping it rhythmically against his thigh. 

Ennis hid an amused smile, “yer one fiddly sonofabitch Jack Twist…” 

Jack shrugged, “always have been. Got me in trouble a lot when I was in school. You bet I had my share of slaps on the wrist…” a toothy smile presented itself. Ennis had always wondered how Jack kept such a happy composure when talking about such things. Ennis was a grumpy bastard all round, even more so when he spoke about stuff that bothered him. 

“What about you?”

“‘Bout what?”

“School. How’d you do?”

Ennis sighed, crossing his arms and staring straight ahead as he spoke, “well you already know I only went fer one year of Highschool, which was pretty shit. Didn’t— didn’t have much for friends, an’ im dumb as a doornail so…”

Jack scowled, “no you ain’t. Jus’ cause you ain’t school smart don’t mean yer not smart smart,” a genuine look of concern and care shocked Ennis. He’d always been called dumb, so he’d just accepted it to be true. Evidently Jack thought differently.

“You ain’t dumb sweetheart.”

A deep blushed coloured Ennis’ face. No matter how many times the endearment was said, it always managed to strike a chord in his heart. 

“Whatever you say, rodeo.”

                               𐚁₊⊹

Jack stared through the windshield at the rickety white house and sighed. Ennis was being as patient as possible but the longer they sat in the car the more nervous he got. The night before they’d stayed in a motel and had been awake since 5:30 to try and make it to Lightning Flat before lunch.

“Alright, let’s go,” Jack spoke with finality. Turning the key in the truck to shut the engine off and opening the driver side door. Ennis did the same, breathing in stuffy, manure heavy air as his feet hit the ground.

The walk to the front door was nearly excruciating. Jack swallowed the nervous vomit rising in his throat, taking a few deep breaths before climbing the two steps leading to the front door. 

Ennis and Tillie were right behind him, and before Jack could even knock the door was being opened and a short, smiley woman appeared.

“Jackie! Oh it’s so nice to see you,” she gushed, pulling Jack into a tight hug he had to lean down to reciprocate. Ennis stared at the two of them, noticing just how similar they looked. Both Jack and Rose had the same eyes and nose, but Rose’s hair was lighter.

“Hi mama,” he grinned, pulling away from the hug to point a thumb in Ennis’ direction, “this here’s Ennis Del Mar, my herdin’ partner on Brokeback.”

Ennis offered a tip of his hat and a slight smile, “howdy ma’am…”

“You can call me Rose honey, I’m not important enough for a ma’am,” Rose joked, “an’ you must be Tillie!” Tillie barked happily in response and wagged her tail. Rose chuckled, waving the three of them inside and closing the door behind them.

“John is out workin’ in the fields until this evening, so we’ll have the house to ourselves for a bit…” Ennis noticed how Rose touched Jack’s arm at the mention of his father.

“You told him we were comin’?” Jack cautiously asked, and Ennis wasn’t sure what he wanted the answer to be. He’d never met the man, he didn’t know how he reacted to surprises, but he had a feeling that it wasn’t good. 

“I did…” Rose paused, “he’s been a bit stressed the past week. You know how he gets with work an’ all… it’s nothin’ personal if he lashes out.”

Jack scoffed, “maybe not fer you, but I’m sorry mama, it sure as hell is personal for me.” 

Rose gave Jack a stern look that said, I know. But we can’t talk about this now. And it pretty much shut him up. 

Jack and Ennis sat down at the dining table while Rose bustled around in the kitchen, grabbing coffee mugs and little plates for cake, which Ennis remembered Jack mentioning was his favorite. Jack kept trying to get his mama to sit down, telling her that he and Ennis could get their own coffee, but she refused. 

When they were all sat down again Rose spoke, “so Ennis, what do you have planned for the rest of yer life, are you gettin’ married?” 

Ennis swallowed, trying to concoct a believable lie, which turned out not to be as easy as Jack made it look.

So he decided to tell the truth, “well ma’am, me an’ this girl were supposed to be gettin’ married… this month actually. But it— it didn’t work out… Jack’s helpin’ me out so I can get back on my feet,” well, most of the truth.

“I got a place down in Fredicksburg Texas, mama,” Jack added, taking a sip of his coffee, “it’s small, but I like it. ‘S got some land, gonna try and start up a ranch.”

Rose pursed her lips, “Jack, you outta get married. Can’t be running a ranch by yerself. An’ I want grandkids.” Ennis saw Jack’s gaze fall to the cake on his plate and sigh. 

“No one’s ever shown an interest in me, ma. Ain’t my fault,” both Ennis and Jack knew that was a lie. Besides Ennis’ clear love for the man, almost every gal they’d seen at a diner or motel had snuck their number across the counter with the bill. 

“I’m just sayin’, any woman would be lucky to have you…”

“Cmon ma! Ennis don’t wanna hear about this…” a deep blush covered Jack’s cheeks and Ennis stifled a laugh, hiding his face in his coffee mug. 

“Hush now Jackie. Why don’t you go an’ show Ennis yer room? I’ve set up a little cot beside your bed for him,” Rose stood up and collected the plates, once again waving Jack off when he tried to help and giving Ennis a warm smile.

Ennis felt weird standing in the doorway of Jack’s childhood bedroom. It was practically empty, except for the bed and the makeshift one beside it, a desk, a few old toys here and there, and a closet. Jack took a few steps into the room and shrugged, turning around to face Ennis.

“Ain’t much ta see…” 

“An’ I thought my room was borin’…” Ennis joked, keeping a serious face on.

Jack chuckled and shook his head, “asshole.”

Ennis closed the door quietly behind him and walked towards Jack to wrap his arms around him. 

“I showed interest in you, Jack,” he murmured sheepishly, breathing deeply through his nose. 

“I know cowboy…”

So has every other woman you’ve come into contact with went unsaid. 

Jack pressed a kiss to Ennis’ neck and sighed, “if my daddy says some stupid shit to you at supper tonight En, ‘m sorry. I know that this has all been so confusin’ fer you in the past an’ I don’t want his bullheaded opinions changing yer mind—” Ennis shushed him suddenly, running a hand up and down his back. 

“They won’t darlin’.”

Jack pulled back from the embrace to get a good look at Ennis’ face, offering him a small smile, “I wouldn’t judge you if they did. An’ I’m sor—”

“Jack fuckin’ Twist shut yer damn trap an’ take my word for it,” Ennis snapped, a little bit of an overreaction, but it was sometimes necessary when Jack got in that state of mind, not knowing what was true or not, always questioning, which Ennis knew was his fault. He hoped that one day Jack could realize that Ennis wasn’t going to leave him. In fact, it pained him to even imagine it.

“Okay then,” Jack put his hands up in surrender, a toothy grin bringing a small smile to Ennis’ face. 

“We should probably head back downstairs now, don’t want yer mama gettin’ suspicious,” Ennis smirked, turning and walking towards the door before Jack yanked him back by his shirt, pulling him into a brutal kiss. Ennis was hesitant to reciprocate, a little nervous about the possibility that Jack’s mama could walk in at any moment, but he ended up doing so all the same. 

“God, I wish we didn’t have to sleep in different beds tonight,” Jack breathed, practically feeling Ennis up over his clothes, pulling an almost stifled groan from him. Ennis forced out a shaky breath, revelling in the feeling of Jack’s hands all over him. He couldn’t help but think of the night before, in their hotel room. How Jack had joined Ennis in the shower and placed the gentlest of wet kisses down his spine. A quiet metallic tap sounded out as Jack flicked Ennis’ belt buckle.

“This okay with you?” Jack’s voice was hoarse and seductive. Ennis nodded and bit his lip to stifle the noises pressing at the inside of his mouth.

And yeah, they should’ve stopped right then because a knock at the door a few moments later had them scrambling to smooth wrinkled clothing and button half open shirts. 

“Yeah ma?” Jack called, desperately fixing his collar and then trying to help Ennis with his buttons but getting shoved away.

“I forgot to put sheets on the cot, may I come in?” Rose’s voice floated through the wood and Jack turned to Ennis for confirmation before opening the door and letting his mother in. 

Rose came in with a bundle of bedclothes in her arms, slipping past a silently panicking Ennis, who was trying his best to slow his breathing. 

“Thanks ma,” Jack’s voice wobbled, his heartbeat still racing. The pair of them exited the bedroom, not looking at each other. Once downstairs in the living room, Ennis sat down on the couch and held his head in his hands, equally disappointed in himself as he was mad at Jack. How could he let them get that close to being caught? It was his job to protect Jack.

Jack stood over Ennis, reaching to put a reassuring hand on his shoulder that was then swatted away.

“That was close, Jack. Too damn close,” He didn’t meet Jack’s eyes. 

“Yeah I know. ‘M sorry,” Jack replied, honestly a little tired of the whole routine. 

“Don’t be sorry, just stop.”

Jack nodded, not really caring much to respond. He knew that in time Ennis would loosen up. There were a lot of things that three months ago Ennis never would have agreed to, including the life they were currently living. 

“Ennis, my mama knows who I am,” what I am wasn’t said, but both were thinking it, “she—” Jack swallowed, “it’s hard fer her… to have a son like me. But, it don’t change that she loves me an’ all. Least I don’t think so.”

Ennis looked up, confused, “but she said—”

“That I should be gettin’ married, I know. Like I said, it’s hard, an’ she don’t always like to accept it,” Jack shrugged, then chuckled a little, “better than a lotta the other folks I met…” 

“Okay,” was all Ennis could respond with. He’d never, ever thought that someone might know a queer and not immediately bash them to death. But then again, Rose didn’t seem the type anyway.

“I ain’t sayin’ we shouldn’t hide it from her, but there’s a big chance she’s already got her suspicions.”

Ennis nodded, feeling a little embarrassed at his previous reaction, but at the same time, relieved that they weren’t going to be chased out of the house with a shotgun. Not yet anyway, John still had yet to get home. 

“Cowboy, we’re okay,” Jack reassured, giving Ennis a pat on the shoulder and letting out a breath, “all we gotta do is make it through dinner.”

                                       𐚁₊⊹

The arrival of John Twist was exactly how Jack had expected. Both Ennis and Jack had insisted they help Rose set the table for dinner when the front door burst open.

“Evenin’,” a gravelly voice ground out, and even Ennis cringed at the sound of it. He saw Jack’s posture instinctively straighten. 

Jack watched as John’s eyes shifted to Tillie, who was asleep beneath the kitchen table.

“No fuckin’ dogs inside Jack, you know the damn rule,” he spat, not bothering the look Jack in the eye as he toed off his work boots.

“Dad, she ain’t even a year old. I can’t just leave her outside,” Jack replied, trying to hold his ground. Ennis just observed, not sure if John had even noticed his presence. 

 “Did I ask yer opinion boy? Kick the bitch outside, or I will.”

Ennis immediately felt the urge to kick John’s teeth in, but decided it was a bit too early to do so. They hadn’t even had dinner yet. 

Jack bit his lip and held back the response that was very likely to get him in trouble, “cmon Tillie,” he said with the most amount of energy he could muster, leading the collie to the back door and shooing her out with more than a little guilt. He stayed back beside the door, getting a look from Rose and, regrettably, giving her one back. 

“Who’s this?” 

For a second Ennis didn’t realize the question was aimed at him, and he stood there clueless for at least ten seconds before responding.

“Ennis Del Mar, sir,” the last word felt dirty in this mouth. Why should he show any kind of respect towards John Twist? Because yer stayin’ in his home, an’ you don’t wanna make it worse fer Jack. Ennis knew anything he did or said that crossed the line would mean more punishment for Jack than him. A useless son bringing home an even more useless and on top of that, disrespectful, “friend”.

“You from ranch people?” 

The words were so familiar. The tone was not. Jack had been curious, friendly. John was the exact opposite, cold, uncaring, disgusted. It was a drastic contrast to the voice he’d heard the first day on the job.

“Yessir. I was born ‘n raised on one. Had to move away when my folks died…” he trailed off, deciding that John probably wasn’t one for sob stories. An uninterested grunt was all he received in response. 

“‘M goin’ to wash up,” he announced, giving Jack one last sneer and stomping up the dangerously creaky stairs.

Jack audibly breathed a sigh of relief. Every second without the presence of his pa was like a wave of peace overcoming him. Jack being himself without judgment was so rare when John was around.

“Whaddaya say cowboy, wanna go check out the land?” He queried, slipping his cigarette pack out of his shirt pocket.

“Guess so,” Ennis replied, he desperately needed a smoke, and to prepare for the dreadfully awaited supper. 

Once out the door the pair walked side by side, each smoking their own cigarette for once and Jack clicking his lighter. Tillie trotted at their heels until she heard Rose calling her, which meant food, and she abruptly turned around and dashed back to the porch. 

Being in the middle of nowhere, property wasn’t in high demand, and usually sold quite cheap, hence the reason a nearly penny-less bastard like John could have so much land. The paint on the barn was peeling off, and the silos were rusting, and Ennis secretly longed to be back at their own home. He looked over at Jack, his face illuminated by the light of his cigarette as he took a drag. He’s so beautiful like this. It was a thought tinged with a little bit of shame and Ennis knew it would be like that for a long time. He yearned to think like Jack, to love without fear or hesitation. It was a pansy like thought, especially considering it was regarding a man. 

“What’s on yer mind, cowboy?” 

“Nothin’…”

“Ain’t it always?” A sneaky smile grew on Jack’s face and Ennis shoved him.

“Could say the same fer you…” 

Jack laughed, and oh how Ennis loved his laugh. It was quick and childlike, one that could bring anyone else within listening distance to join in just by hearing it. Jack then took another puff of his cigarette and promptly started coughing up a lung, which brought Ennis to his own fit of laughter.

“Fuck,” Jack wheezed, “my mama was right, fuckin’ cancer stick’s gonna earn me an early grave…”

“Sure enough…” Ennis chuckled, still trying to catch his breath. Once both had done so, a peaceful quiet settled over them, the only sound being Jack’s incessant clicking of his lighter.

Jack eventually broke it, voice soft and cautious, “Y’know bud, I don’t think I could stand this if you weren’t here.”

“Stand what?” Ennis frowned, flicking his cigarette nub into the grass.

“I dunno, life? Couldn’t stand my pa, that’s fer sure… but they're the only folks I got, so I would hafta just put up with it I guess,” Jack looked down at his feet, leaving Ennis to contemplate what the hell he was trying to say. 

“What do ya mean?” An uneasy feeling seeped into Ennis’ bones as he waited for Jack’s response.

“There ain’t anythin’ out there fer me Ennis. I hate to say it, but my daddy was right about somethin’. An’ there ain’t much I’d be livin’ for without you…” 

“That’s just plain untrue Jack an’ you know it,” Ennis argued, shaking his head, “yer daddy doesn’t know anythin’ ‘bout you. He don’t know how damn hard you work, or how fuckin’ funny you are, or that you are the best goddamn bullrider I’ve ever seen, and shit, Jack—” he stopped mid sentence, face flushed bright red, “I love you, darlin.”

Jack stopped in his tracks and turned to face Ennis, “you are one of a kind, Ennis Del Mar.”

Ennis hummed in response, eyes on his boots and too embarrassed to actually accept the compliment. Jack didn’t want to go back to the house. After hearing those words from Ennis’ mouth he ached to throw him against the nearest surface and kiss him until their lips bled. But when Rose’s voice called from the front step, they had no choice. 

The atmosphere of the Twist dining room was deathly quiet, almost hostile. Ennis didn’t seem to mind it, the food was fucking delicious and he hadn’t ingested anything that day besides a cup of coffee and almost a whole pack of cigarettes. Jack couldn’t help but spare glances in his father’s direction, wondering when the faux peace would break. 

 “When’re you leavin’?” John mumbled, looking at Jack like he’d just spat in his mama’s face.

“Tomorrow,” Jack almost whispered, staring down at his plate and moving a potato around. It was a contrast to how Ennis usually saw him. Talkative, even with people he didn’t know, and now, with his own parents, who have known him his whole life, he could hardly get a word out. No, Ennis thought, he’s known them his whole life. They ain’t never known him.

John scoffed, “can’t even be pissed enough to stay an’ lend a hand ‘round here… can’t say I was expecting more…” Rose gave him a look but that didn’t seem to stop him, “no good fuckin’ pansy ass son. I always said you were a spineless boy, and now you’re a spineless man, if I can even call you that.” 

Jack shamefully felt tears spring to his eyes and he scolded himself. Crying would only make it worse. Beside him, Ennis was fuming. One more word would set him off, if seeing Jack holding back tears didn’t.

“John!” Rose gasped, though there was little to no surprise in her voice. She knew her husband. 

“Rose, don’t act like yer proud ‘o him. No mother wants a queer fer a son. No mother deserves a son like him.”

That was it. No way in hell was Ennis going to sit there and let all this shit happen. He stood up, leaning over the table at John, who’s eyes widened.

“Right. I’m not one to get involved in family shit, but you, ya bastard, have no right to say that fuckin’ nonsense ta him,” his voice was low and threatening.

Ennis could feel Jack tugging on his pant leg to get him to sit back down, but he stayed standing, looming over John like a dark cloud. 

John looked absolutely furious, “He’s my son. An’ this is my house. I will talk to him however the hell I want, boy.” Jack just watched, utterly speechless. He knew Ennis was a bit hotheaded, but he’d never seen anyone stand up to his father.

“That right?” Ennis responded, a slight frown on his face. 

Rose piped up, looking both relieved and surprised by the display in front of her, “John, why don’t you go sit down in the living room, I’ll bring you some coffee…” Ennis watched as John bit the inside of his cheek and shoved himself up from the table before storming off to the other room. 

Ennis let out a breath and turned to Jack, who was resting his head on his hand, staring at his barely touched plate. 

“D’you want to go upstairs, Jack?” Ennis asked softly, completely disregarding the fact that they were still in the presence of Rose, who was clearing up the plates.

“Might as well,” he answered, rounding the table to press a kiss to Rose’s cheek and utter, “goodnight mama.”

As soon as they entered the bedroom Jack flopped on the cot, running his hands down his face.

“Shit,” he breathed out, completely exhausted. Ennis walked over and sat down beside him, contemplating whether or not to comment on how the evening went. But in the end he didn’t have to, because Jack did.

“Not as bad as I thought,” he admitted, reaching a hand up from where he was laying to soothingly scratch Ennis’ back. 

“That was pretty bad, darlin’…” Ennis replied, leaning into Jack’s touch. 

Jack shook his head, staring at the ceiling, “you stopped it. Usually goes on fer at least fifteen minutes, longer if a damn word leaves ma big mouth…” he trailed off and sighed, remembering the last time he’d visited with a grimace. He loved his mama, he really did. But her inability to deny John the satisfaction of destroying their son’s self esteem was painfully apparent.

“Come down here and kiss me, Ennis.”

He did just that, leaning down to kiss Jack gently, not going any further than a soft press of lips, until of course, Jack wound his fingers into Ennis’ hair and pulled the man completely on top of him. Ennis pulled back and pressed from the kiss and their foreheads together.

“We can leave right now if ya want. 15 hours to Jolene’s ain’t nothin’ if you wanna go…” he murmured, eyes closed.

Jack sighed, “nah. We’re leavin’ in the mornin’ anyway, it’s alright En,” Jack kissed him again, with more urgency this time, moaning softly when Ennis littered careful pecks along his neck and newly exposed collarbone. 

Then he pulled back suddenly, “think we should get some sleep, rodeo…”

“Aw c'mon! You can’t just stop there, Ennis. It ain’t fair.”

“Jack, I’m not fucking you in yer parents house,” Ennis replied firmly, forbidding himself from thinking too much about the subject.

Jack swallowed, surprised at how forward Ennis was being. He was speechless, trying to stutter out words but failing miserably. Ennis watched in amusement, silencing Jack’s fumbling with another kiss. 

“Yer embarassin’…” Jack mumbled against Ennis’ lips, cradling his jaw in both hands.

Ennis tucked his head into the crook of Jack’s neck, who in response locked his arms around Ennis’ waist. Jack counted his lover’s breaths, stroking his back in time with each inhale. Sure, the day had been pretty shitty. But Ennis being there made it so much better. There wasn’t much Jack hated more than returning home, now, after seeing Ennis demolish John Twist’s ego, he could think of a few things. 

“You were right,” Jack heard Ennis murmur sleepily.

“‘Bout what?”

“Yer daddy’s a bastard…”

“Sure is. I got you though,” Jack said thoughtfully, twirling a blonde curl around his finger.

“Mm,” was all Ennis could manage before falling dead asleep.

Chapter Text

Four year old Jack sat on the floor of the bathroom, covered in a foul smell and crying his eyes out. Why can’t I get the buttons? I know better than to make daddy mad like that. It was his own fault. Even as a toddler Jack knew the extent of his father’s patience. He knew how taut the string was, how easy it could snap. The fucking smell. Even as a grown man Jack couldn’t get it out. It was always in his clothes, his hair, his skin. It wouldn’t go away. He wouldn’t go away. It was suffocating. 

Thirteen year old Jack counted the bruises that blossomed across his wrists and arms, trying to come up with an explanation if the teacher were to ask him about them at school. I fell down the stairs, that wouldn’t work, he’d used that one twice already. Jack cursed quietly and flopped back on his bed. All he wanted to do was get the fuck out Lightning flat and away from everything. Everyone.

“John! John, that’s enough!” Sixteen year old Jack heard his mama screaming. He’d never seen her so upset as John threw another punch, slamming Jack’s head against the wall. Blood streamed down his face and into his mouth.

“This is what boys like you get. You like that? You ain’t my son, yer a sin followin’ faggot. Your mama wasted time on you, and I ain’t gonna waste another second calling you my family,” his daddy’s voice was venomous, dripping with hate that was muffled by the ringing in Jack’s ears. His head hurt. He didn’t remember how many times he’d been hit. He couldn’t pinpoint exactly when all this started, but guessed it was shortly after he was found kissing James Whitford in the pastures behind the house. It was a stupid idea, Jack would admit. The multiple trips to the church had just been so exhausting. He’d needed some kind of relief, something to take his mind off the multiple scriptures jumbled in his brain. And it’d worked, until they got caught.

“You got somethin’ ta say to me, ya fag?” John spat, slapping him across the face when he didn’t respond.

“No— no sir,” Jack slurred out, wiping blood from his nose with his shirt sleeve.

“Good. If I ever catch you doin’ something ungodly like that again, I swear to God I will kill you, boy.”

                              𐚁₊⊹

Jack woke with a start, trying to catch his breath and choking on tears. Ennis stirred beside him and peeked an eye open.

“Jack… wats goin’ on…?” His voice was sleep clogged and croaky. 

All Jack could do was sit there and sob, heaving in gulps of air. His mind just kept replaying the same moments, they wouldn’t stop. Why had they come here? His heart raced and he flinched when a hand came to rest on his thigh. 

“Woah there bud, it’s jus’ me, it’s okay…” 

Hearing Ennis’ voice immediately slowed everything down. He caught his breath and willed with memories to go away, head in his hands. Ennis watched as Jack quickly gathered himself, hiding his tear streaked face.

“‘M sorry I woke you, friend…” Jack’s voice shook with every word.

Ennis shook his head, gently rubbing Jack’s thigh with his thumb, “don’t apologize darlin’. You ain’t done nothin’ wrong,” he raised a hand to cup Jack’s jaw.

“You okay?”

Jack cleared his throat and wiped his eyes, “yeah. Yeah I’m alright. Just shook me up s’all. Should’ve expected it, bein’ here an’ all…” 

Ennis rubbed his own forehead, “I’m sorry fer pressurin’ you, Jack. To come here, I mean,” Ennis looked down, feeling a little guilty for the abuse Jack had received earlier in the evening. He was the one that suggested visiting after all.

“It ain’t yer fault, Ennis. I just wanna get back to sleep,” Ennis wasn’t convinced. Jack was shaking like a leaf in high wind and tears still ran down his cheeks.

“Jack, darlin’, are you sure yer alright?” 

Jack nodded, but he didn’t meet Ennis’ eyes, and his hands absentmindedly fiddled with the bed sheets. Ennis put a hand over Jack’s, stroking with a thumb. He’d had nightmares when Jack was around, but the man was too much of a deep sleeper that he’d just never woken up. Part of Ennis wished he did. Part of him wished for comfort in moments like that. 

“Jus’—” Ennis grumbled, “fuck it, c’mere…” he held out his arms and Jack found himself wrapped up in them moments later. 

“Thank you, Ennis,” Jack mumbled into Ennis’ neck.

“Yer a sweaty son of a bitch, Jack. Don’t expect me ta lay here all night,” Ennis’ voice was grumpy, but Jack could tell he really wasn’t bothered.

“Night.”

“G’night little darlin’…”

                              𐚁₊⊹

Jack woke up around 5:30 after having another nightmare. Ennis stirred beside him and cracked an eye open.

“Mmph… mornin’ darlin’…” he murmured, carding a lazy hand through Jack’s bed head. They were leaving for Casper that day, and Ennis was more than happy to do so. He’d experienced a day in Jack’s life, and meant no offense, but he’d hated it.

“Mornin’ En,” Jack replied, smiling as he tucked his head into Ennis’ neck and pressed tender kisses there.

Ennis made a noise of protest as Jack started to nibble just below his jaw, “We’re seein’ Jolene today Jack. Can’t have you markin’ me up…” Jack hummed but just moved lower down Ennis’ body, where the hickeys would be hidden by his clothes. Ennis shivered and watched as two deep purple marks were sucked into his collarbone. 

“We should get a motel room tonight,” Jack began, twirling one of Ennis’ curls around his finger, “don’t wanna drive fer three hours straight, barely got any sleep last night an’ my back hurts like hell from sittin’ in that damn truck.”

Ennis scoffed, “first, we’ve driven fer way longer than three hours before, and second, you sure that’s why you want one, bud?”

Jack put on a mock frown, trying his best to look deeply offended, “I ain’t as desperate you think, Del Mar.”

“Then you’ll understand why I ain’t gon’ go an’ drop twenty bucks on a coupla beds,” Ennis shot back, an amused look on his face. 

“That’s ok, we can just get one,” Jack grinned, laughing when Ennis shoved him, grasping at the sheets to keep from sliding out of the cot that was clearly only made for one person. He knew Ennis wouldn’t even consider buying a one bed room. If they were going to get a motel room it would be made for two people.

“Fine. We can get the damn room.”

“Thanks sweetheart,” Jack cooed and promptly got tackled onto his back.

Breakfast was on the table by the time both men had showered and gotten dressed, graciously prepared by Rose.

“Good mornin’ boys!” Rose cheerily announced, placing two plates in front of Ennis and Jack absolutely loaded with waffles, eggs, and bacon. Ennis' stomach turned just looking at it. He didn’t want to be disrespectful, but he was really just hoping to get a coffee and leave. Tillie was curled up on the front doormat, which meant either Rose let her in once John had left, or John had a soft spot for the dog and had let her in himself, which Jack highly doubted, but there was still a chance. 

“Thanks mama,” Jack smiled, already shoveling food into his mouth. 

“Yer welcome Jackie. An’ lord knows Ennis needs to eat more,” she lay a hand on Ennis’ shoulder and Jack cut in.

“Don’t pester him ma, I already do that enough…” 

Ennis shook his head, “yer mama’s right Jack, I could do to gain a few pounds,” he had a slight smile, and Jack scowled back at him. O’ course he only listens when someone else says it. 

The three of them ate, Rose telling stories of Jack's childhood, the good ones, of course. Like when he was only six or seven and his daddy had him entered in a sheep riding contest at a local rodeo. Jack had got all fancied up, wearing his favorite boots and hat, and ended up getting dead last. Rose left out the part that John had grumbled all the way home about his “no good son”, Jack noticed. 

When Rose began to shift to stories of her son as a teenager, Jack decided that was enough. 

“We should really get goin’ mama,” Ennis groaned, very much anticipating a glimpse into the life of teenage Jack. Rose giggled and then her face softened into a sad smile.

“Well okay then. It was a pleasure having you boys. Come back anytime you’d like,” she pulled Jack into a tight hug, kissing his cheek and then the top of his head, going onto her tiptoes to do so. Jack felt his heart squeeze and tears well in his eyes. 

“You are my son,” Rose whispered, hugging Jack tighter, then leaning back to look in his eyes, “and you always will be” Jack bit his tongue as she stroked his cheek, “I love you, Jackie.”

Jack nodded, barely holding back the flood of tears but not wanting to cry in front of his mother.

“I love you too mama,” Rose released him and turned to Ennis, a warm, watery smile on her face. Jack wiped at his eyes and busied himself with waking Tillie, who was just as excited as him to leave.

“C’mere Ennis,” she held out her arms and Ennis reluctantly walked into them, letting Rose awkwardly squeeze his torso. 

“Thank you for stickin’ up fer my son.”

Ennis patted Rose’s back and gave a small smile when she let him go. 

“Now get outta here before I start bawlin’!” Rose ordered, and both boys grabbed their bags off the floor and hurried out the front door, waving as they left.

                               𐚁₊⊹

“My mama ain’t said anythin’ like that to me before,” Jack spoke, fiddling with the radio dial.

“Yeah?” Ennis queried, eyes on the road.

Jack nodded, finally landing on a good song and whistling happily, completely contrasting his previous tone. 

“You think she was apologizin’ or somethin’?” Ennis suggested, remembering what she’d said to him. Thank you for stickin’ up for my son. Was she embarrassed now, having seen how other people recognized John’s behavior and shut it down when all those years she hadn’t? Couldn’t?

“Daddy always used to say I was ‘no son of his’ . Maybe she was just tryna reassure me…” Jack answered, rummaging through the dash compartment, finding a pocket map and looking for a motel somewhere along their trail. 

“You get to sleep after your nightmare last night?” Ennis asked, touching on Jack’s motel excuse from earlier. 

“Not really. Never could sleep in that house.”

Ennis hummed in response and gently took Jack’s hand in his, lacing their fingers. 

“Y’know yer gonna have to pay me back fer this damn room…” Ennis changed the subject and Jack’s face lit up.

“Actually friend, you said it yourself, what’s mine is yers. That’s our money. I ain’t payin’ back nothin’,” Jack grinned mischievously, watching as Ennis’ face fell.

“When did I say that?” Ennis scowled, thinking back to all the times Jack’s happy go lucky personality had gotten the better of him.

“At Jolene’s. The day I got the Klassen job…” Ennis bit the inside of his cheek at the name, but decided to stay quiet about it.

“Musta had too much to drink… don’t say foolish shit like that.” Ennis tried to keep a straight, serious face, but lost it when Jack looked at him, horrified. 

“Aw fuck off,” Jack muttered, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Truth was, Jack was getting damn tired of motels. He had just wanted to have a night alone with Ennis. It seemed so often they were driving, eating at gas stations or shitty diners, and while he loved traveling, he was going to be relieved when this trip was over and he and Ennis could return home. Jack, as he’d said, had had a terrible night’s sleep and was tired out of his fucking mind. Being back home seemed like heaven on earth at that very moment.

“Don’t fall asleep on me little darlin’,” Ennis spoke softly, gently jostling Jack as his eyes threatened to close.  

“Mm,” Jack managed, making no effort to sit up straight and stay awake. 

Ennis sighed in defeat and wrapped an arm around Jack’s shoulders, sliding him closer and letting him rest his head on his shoulder. 

Jack smiled sleepily at the feeling of Ennis’ lips in his hair, leaving a kiss there.

Jack fell asleep within two minutes.

                                       𐚁₊⊹

“I thought you were tired,” Ennis breathed out as Jack shoved him against the door, smothering him with kisses. He’d been setting up a space for Tillie in the bathroom, and as soon as he’d closed the door Jack had pounced.

“I was…” Jack muttered, grasping at fabric and nearly ripping Ennis’ button up. 

“Not anymore,” Jack smashed his lips into Ennis’, groaning as their teeth collided. Ennis made sure the door was locked before beginning to fumble with Jack’s belt buckle. He bit his lip to stifle the noises threatening to spill out as Jack mouthed along his jaw. 

“This is why you wanted the room, yeah?” Ennis teased and shoved a hand down the front of Jack’s jeans. Jack’s mouth opened in a silent moan and he tried to brace himself with an arm against the door. 

“Hmm?” Ennis pressed, and Jack managed a nod, pressing their foreheads together as he let out a soft moan. 

Ennis slipped his hand out and rushed to undress, Jack snapping out of his haze and doing the same. Once they were both down to their underwear Ennis cupped Jack’s face in his hands and brought their lips together once again, walking him backwards towards the bed. 

Jack’s legs hit the bottom of the bed and he let himself fall, completely mesmerized as Ennis stood over him and hurriedly removed his own underwear, leaving himself completely bare.

Jack propped himself up on his elbows, panting heavily, “You sure are somethin’, Ennis, fuck…” he breathed out, smiling as Ennis blushed hard.

“Shut up,” he ordered, finally climbing over Jack’s frame and burying his face in his neck.

“I mean it,” Jack continued, trying his best to keep from shouting as Ennis bit and sucked at his neck, “yer gorgeous. I could look at you fer hours, En.”

Ennis let out a soft moan at the words, nearly losing it when Jack reached down to grasp him, murmuring absolutely foul things in his ear. Ennis went absolutely boneless, doing his best to keep from fully collapsing on the man beneath him. He liked it when Jack was like this, all hot and bothered, 

“Fuck me,” Jack all but growled out. And who was Ennis to deny him? 

It was unlikely that no one heard them. Even with Ennis’ hand firmly pressed against Jack’s lips, the man was incredibly loud. By the time they were finished, Jack’s body looked absolutely ravaged. Not an inch on his body was clear of hickeys or bite marks, not to mention the bruises on his hips from how hard Ennis gripped him. Jack lay there, trying to catch his breath while Ennis went to the bathroom to get a cloth.

“Can I…?” Jack cracked an eye open to see Ennis leaning over him, cloth in hand and a softhearted look on his face.

Jack nodded, shivering slightly as Ennis cleaned him. He then tossed the cloth onto the bedside table and clambered over Jack to lay down beside him. Ennis, already missing the contact, shifted right up close to Jack, who grinned when Ennis lay his head on his chest.

“I do mean what I said, y’know,” Jack started, grabbing his pack of cigarettes from the bedside table and struggling with his lighter.

“Mm?” Ennis questioned, not entirely sure what he was talking about.

Jack let out a breathless laugh, “Yer handsome, Ennis. Fuckin’ perfect if ya ask me…” Ennis’ brows creased. When he and Alma had dated she’d said similar things. Why was it harder to accept such compliments from Jack? He sure as hell found Jack attractive, but he just couldn’t see how Jack thought the same of him. Ennis had never thought much about his physical appearance, nor cared to. 

Ennis didn’t know how to respond. Jack understood. He always did.

“You might not see it bud, but I do. An’ I love you.” 

“Love you too,” Ennis whispered against Jack’s cooling skin, gently kissing a spot just above his rib cage.

“Reckon we should get some sleep then,” Jack suggested and Ennis hummed in agreement, pulling the blanket up to cover his shoulders. Jack murmured sweet words into Ennis’ hair and ran soft hands up and down his back, which he knew sent the man right to sleep.

Just as sleep began to take him, Ennis spoke, his eyes still closed and his voice soft and slightly croaky. 

“Jack…?”

“Yeah, En?”

“I think you’re pretty too…” 

Jack laughed, kissing the top of Ennis’ head and pulling him closer, “that’s good to hear, friend.”

                              𐚁₊⊹ 

“Jack. Jack. C’mon Rodeo we gotta get goin’,” Ennis shook Jack, who just refused to open his eyes. Ennis, much to his dismay, had already slept in, and getting Jack up was a struggle. He shook him once more and a deep frown creased the sleeping man’s eyebrows.

“Fuck off Ennis…” he mumbled, turning over to face away from Ennis.

“We gotta go, Jack. Ain’t got no time fer lazin’ around,” Ennis pinched the bridge of his nose and put a hand on Jack’s shoulder.

“‘M fuckin’ sore…” Jack whined, curling in on himself and reaching for his cigarettes. Ennis rolled his eyes and took the pack from him, shoving it into his shirt pocket.

“Why’s that?” 

Jack groaned and tried to grab the cigarettes again before answering, “you tell me. Yer the one that fucked me like a goddamn animal last night…” Ennis turned bright red, shame immediately flooded his senses and he rushed to apologize.

“I’m sure as hell sorry darlin’, shit, I—”

Jack sat up, wincing a little at the sudden movement, “En, it’s okay I was only playin’. I mean yeah, I’m damn well tired an’ I can feel every bruise on my body, but I like that. I like a reminder that I’m with you,” he smiled at the utterly devastated look on Ennis’ face.

“Alright,” Ennis replied, already chewing at a hangnail.

“Now what’re we waitin’ for? Let’s get to Jo’s.”

Chapter Text

“Jack Twist get yer ass over here!” Jolene held out her arms, smiling widely when Jack walked into them.

“Hey, Jo,” Jack mumbled into her shirt, his own face plastered with a grin. Ennis came through the front door with Tillie in tow and shook Thomas’ hand while Tillie barked excitedly at the people she had yet to meet.

“An’ who’s this?” Tom got down on one knee and ruffled Tillie’s coat, who attacked him with licks all over his hands and face. Tom just chuckled and continued to lavish the collie with attention. 

“Tillie,” Jack answered, laughing when her ears perked up at the sound of her name.

Jolene took one glance at Ennis and nearly burst into tears. He just looked so content. A feeling that was once nonexistent to him, or any of the Del Mars for that matter. 

“Ennis…” she breathed out, and Ennis frowned at the wetness gathering in her eyes. 

“You cryin’?”

“Oh shut yer damn mouth and gimme a hug!” She nearly wailed, pulling Ennis into a bone-crushing embrace and biting back sobs. Ennis offered a somewhat awkward smile, a little confused with what all the fuss was about.

“You alright, Jo? I ain’t got the wrong date er nothin’ did I?”

She shook her head and wiped her eyes hurriedly, “no, no, no. This is perfect Ennis, thank you. I’m so happy y’all could make it. There’s… something I may have forgotten to mention,” Both Ennis and Jack looked at her expectantly.

“Seein’ as it is Thanksgiving an’ all, I thought we should gather… everyone. So K.E and Nancy will be joinin’ us tomorrow fer supper, and their little boy as well.”

A wave of sickness washed over Ennis. Then anger, then worry. Jolene knew about their, “not so brotherly” relationship. Ennis had scars both mentally and physically that reminded him every day. As they got older politeness became more common, though they were never close. And now there was Jack to worry about. No way in hell was K.E going to react well. So that meant telling Jack that they had to be friends. That he was staying with Ennis until he got back on his feet. He knew Jack would be pissed, but under all the anger would be deepcut hurt. It was Thanksgiving for god's sake, and Jack wouldn’t get to know just how thankful Ennis was, how he was his only wish in this life and the next, not with K.E around. 

“You gotta tell me ‘bout stuff like this,” Ennis started calmly, having learned so much from his mistakes with Jack on how to control his rage, push the bigger feelings down if only for a little bit, until it was necessary for them to come out. But K.E had seen what Ennis had. Earl and Rich. It was the whole reason Ennis had been so hesitant in the beginning. What would daddy think? What would K.E think? He hadn’t had to really worry about it until now. Jack and Tom stood off to the side, pretending to be talking about Tillie while they listened in. 

“Ennis—” 

“He’s the same as he’s always been, the same way daddy made him. I ain’t puttin’ up with his shit anymore.” At that, Ennis took his bag and went upstairs, not daring to look at Jack. Tom flinched when he heard a door slam.

“I’m mighty grateful that ya’ll are lettin’ us stay,” Jack managed a grin, then cleared his throat and gestured towards the staircase, “yeah,” he saw Jolene and Thomas share a look before he ascended the stairs, going to find Ennis. 

He knocked on the bedroom door before entering and seeing Ennis sitting on the edge of the bed, head in his hands.

“You really let yer feelings be known there, bud,” Jack sighed, not really knowing how to approach the subject. Ennis hadn’t spoken much about K.E. Maybe once or twice on Brokeback. 

“Don’t want him part of our Thanksgivin’.”

Jack drew in a breath. Our Thanksgiving. Their Thanksgiving. He shook his head as if trying to clear it, and then sat on the mattress beside Ennis.

“Can ya tell me why, sweetheart?” Jack saw Ennis flinch at the endearment and he winced inwardly. If this was the effect K.E was going to have on Ennis, he wasn’t sure that he wanted him there either.

He didn’t have the heart to tell Jack, not then. Not ever, really. Jack was probably sick of his “dead in a ditch” ranting, but he didn’t know Ennis had a real life experience to base his fear off of, “He— he ain’t like Jo, Jack. He’s our daddy’s son. We can’t be,” Ennis made a complicated gesture with his hands, “‘round him. Ain’t safe.”

Jack’s heart dropped. A whole week being nothing more than a friend to Ennis sounded like hell. Well, speaking from experience, he knew it was. It was a difficult contrast to how they’d been lately, how Ennis had been.

“So what does that mean for us, friend?” 

Being beat to death with a tire iron, Ennis thought.

“Bein’ careful.”

Ennis left it at that, and Jack was only a little hurt. He was pulling away again. All because of some stupid bastard who was raised by another stupid bastard and the cycle continues. Jolene’s was the only place besides their own home that they could truly be themselves, and now they were losing that too.

“Alright then,” Jack croaked out, standing up and mumbling some excuse about going to wash up for dinner. 

𐚁₊⊹

Dinner was awkward. Thomas had tried multiple times to strike up a conversation, but only Jack had been willing to speak, and even his answers were bland. Jolene looked concernedly over at Ennis and opened her mouth like she was about to speak, but then closed it. 

“‘M goin’ to bed,” Ennis announced, setting his plate in the sink and retreating upstairs once again. Jack stared down at his plate of food, having lost most of his appetite. Jo seemed to watch the staircase long after Ennis had climbed it. She sighed and turned back to face Jack. 

“His nephew’s name is Avery. K.E’s son,” Jolene all but whispered, “I know he wanted to meet him. Maybe not under these circumstances, but he was so excited to be an uncle, Jack,” her voice shook.

Jack took Jolene’s hand, squeezing it a little, “he still is,” he glanced at her baby bump and she smiled, patting Jack’s shoulder. 

“Go get some rest. An’ talk some sense into my brother,” Jolene spoke softly before standing up to gather the plates. Tom offered a warm smile and stood up to help his wife.

Jack really hoped Ennis wouldn’t shut down like he had multiple times in the past. When all his sentences seemed forced out of his mouth, every word sounded painful. They had a lot of things going for them, Jack didn’t want to lose it all so soon.

“Cowboy.”

Jack leaned in the doorway of the bathroom as Ennis just stood there, toothbrush in hand but no toothpaste in sight. 

“D’you wanna talk about it?” Jack offered, trying not to force the man out of his shell.

“What’s there ta talk about?” Ennis spat, not even sparing Jack a glance. His eyes were fixated on the sink faucet.

“Maybe how ya just went off on yer sister and din’t even thank her fer dinner, which I know you always do,” Jack sighed, “hell, Ennis, I’ve never even met K.E.”

Ennis shook his head, “don’t matter,” Jack could see his jaw clench and his fingers tighten on the toothbrush. 

“What about Avery?”

Ennis froze, and his hard stare on the sink softened. Though he didn’t really seem the type, Ennis was good with kids. He’d never really wanted his own children, not with Alma anyway, but the thought of being an uncle intrigued him. When he’d found out that Nancy was pregnant, it made all the shit with K.E worthwhile. Until now. Now he had more than just himself to worry about. 

“Jo said you really wanted to meet him,” Jack continued, watching as Ennis set the toothbrush down and turned to lean against the sink.

“Wanted to since he was born…” Ennis mumbled, eyes on the floor. Jack’s heart broke a little at his tone of voice. So defeated. Another sharp contrast to the Ennis he’d had that morning.

“I—,” Jack hesitated, “if we gotta be careful then that’s what we’ll do, bud. Done it before.”

Ennis looked up, feeling more than a little shitty about the whole situation. Jolene had practically raised him and K.E, of course she wanted both of them home for Thanksgiving, and Jack, well, he was fucking devastated, Ennis could see it on his face. But he didn’t know how K.E would react to them, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to.

“Let’s get some rest, cowboy,” Jack’s voice was worn and strained, like he was holding back tears. Ennis nodded and followed him to the bedroom. 

 “‘M sorry, darlin’.”

Jack, mid way through pulling his pyjama pants on, murmured a defeated, “s’alright,” and then slipped under the covers of the bed. Ennis' heart pounded in his chest. He wanted to tell Jack that they didn’t have to hide, that he’d face K.E unashamed, but he couldn’t, so he didn’t. 

𐚁₊⊹

Jack woke in the middle of the night from a nightmare, sweaty and exhausted. He slipped out of bed and shuffled to the bathroom, turning the sink on and splashing his face with cold water. “Damn John Twist,” he whispered, gripping the sink with shaky hands. Jack wanted to say damn Ennis Del Mar, but couldn’t bring himself to do it. He was about to reach for a towel when a pair of cold hands wrapped around his hips and he let out a surprised yelp. 

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ Ennis! What the hell?” Jack whispered-yelled, whirling around to face him.

“I was wonderin’ where you went, thought you’d left er somethin’!” Ennis replied, trying his best to be quiet, “didn’t think you’d wake the whole damn house up!”

“One, I wouldn’t fucking leave, Ennis, two, you snuck up behind me in the middle of the night, how the fuck did ya think I was gonna react?”

Ennis started to reply much louder than what was acceptable at the time of night, then closed his mouth, rubbing his forehead. Jack took a deep breath, trying to calm his racing heart and absolutely shattered nerves.

“Why’re you up anyway?” Ennis asked timidly, still wondering where they stood after their (almost) argument that had taken place in the same very bathroom.

“Nightmare,” Jack replied, his arms crossed across his bare chest.

Ennis nodded, opened his mouth, then closed it, then opened it again, “you— you can tell me ‘bout that stuff y’know—”

“I know. Didn’t wanna wake you up.” 

Ennis almost scoffed at the poorly executed excuse. Jack knew Ennis was the lightest sleeper the world had to offer, and an experienced insomniac. The man didn’t give two shits if he got any sleep at all. Especially if the cause was related to Jack.

“Don’t bullshit me.”

“I ain't bullshitting anyone.”

The words hit Ennis like a truck and he nodded, biting back words that he would hate himself for saying.

“Jack—”

“You ain’t gonna tell him? Ennis, we just started a life together, an’ you still can’t accept this shit? I got beat within an inch of my life for what we got an’ you can’t tell yer own brother that you’re a fuckin’ fag? You ain’t kissed me since—”

Ennis shoved Jack against the doorframe and their lips met roughly, Jack’s hands immediately going to Ennis' jaw and pulling back, a questioning look on his face.

“I’m tryin’ Jack, I swear, Jack darlin’…” their foreheads were pressed together and Ennis spoke with pure emotion, his accent thick.

“I’m done being scared a’ him, Jack. I promise you.”

Jack looked up at him with a concerned face, “We should probably get out of the hallway, En.” 

Ennis hummed and they separated, fumbling their way through the dark back to the guest bedroom. Saying Jack was worried was an understatement. It has been some time since Ennis had acted so… frantic? Desperate? In the mountains it was constant arguments that ended with soft apologies and then heated love making, and while it was thrilling, Jack didn’t want it going back to that. He enjoyed the quiet, but not constantly closed off cowboy. He loved him. Jack would take any version of Ennis he could get, but he feared the man switching back to his old ways could bring problems. 

Jack sat Ennis down on the mattress and crouched in front of him, prompting a confused look.

“Friend, you need ta relax. Yer right, I don’t know what yer brother’s gonna be like, I know fuck all. But I gotta say, I’m mighty worried bout you, bud.”

Ennis frowned, “Jack—”

“He’s yer brother, an’ I ain’t pressurin’ you or nothin’, but it ya could tell me what the hell’s goin’ on I’d appreciate it,” Jack took a breath in, watching as Ennis’ face changed from irritated to nervous, like he knew something. His bottom lip was between his teeth and his jaw was clenched.

“Jack, you ain’t gonna like what you hear.”

The words were once again forced out, almost spat. His voice was a warning, and it made Jack uneasy. 

Jack thought for a moment on how to respond, then swallowed, “don’t matter if I like it. I just wanna help you En. Ain’t much I like more than that.”

Ennis drew in a shaky breath. I saw two dead queers, that’s why I’m such an asshole. That’s why I can’t hold you when he’s around. That’s why I’m so fucking ashamed. That’s why I sometimes treat you like shit. That’s why I am the way I am.

“My daddy showed me an’ K.E somethin’ when we was real young. Bout eight er nine,” Ennis cringed at the thought, that young? “Back where we lived, there were two fellas ranchin’ together, Earl an’ Rich,” there was a bitter taste in his mouth just saying their names and he caught Jack’s eyes for just a moment before looking away. They were large and thoughtful, Ennis never could understand how Jack kept such good eye contact, how he didn’t get self conscious.

“They found Earl dead in an irrigation ditch. Beat ta death witha tire iron. Ripped his dick clean off,” Ennis fought the tears in his eyes, ones that he didn’t think would come, but apparently when you’re telling the most beloved man in your whole life that people like him get left in ditches to bleed out, emotions flood in.

“Thought he’d teach us a lesson I guess…” Ennis ended it there, only then realizing that Jack was stroking his knee, looking up at him with eyes full of tears.

“Holy shit, Ennis.”

Jack was on him in seconds, pulling Ennis into a tight hug and weaving a hand through his curls. Jack couldn’t contain his absolute sorrow. How had he been so stupid? Of course there was a reason for Ennis being the way he was. More than just a shitty upbringing. The man despised himself, and the whole time Jack couldn’t understand why. 

“I’m so sorry.”

Ennis couldn't think of anything to say.

“You are more than what you’ve seen, Ennis, sweetheart. More than what yer daddy thinks, more than what K.E thinks, don’t forget that…”

Jack continued speaking soft reassurances into his ear, but Ennis could only think that that was the first time he’d ever told anyone about that day. Jolene had known, his mama had known, and they were both horrified. No child deserved to see that. The thing was, Ennis wasn’t a child from then on. Every memory after was tainted with the fear of quite literally anything different. He was consumed by worry, and to most he probably looked like a shaking ball of angry anxiousness, a grumpy bastard with not a smidge of empathy. Every bit of Ennis’ childhood was stolen, only to be replaced with repentance.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner, cowboy?” Jack was staring deep into his eyes, burning holes through the middle of them.

“Didn’t see much point ‘till now. An’ I’m sorry ‘cause I treated you like shit in them early days and you probably would’ve wanted an explanation—”

“Don’t matter, En,” Jack closed his eyes and breathed in deep. 

Ennis ran a hand down his face, “ain’t never told anyone that,” he said quietly, biting back a sob when Jack laid them both down and brought Ennis’ head to rest on his chest.  

“I love you,” was all Jack said in response, something Ennis appreciated. He didn’t like going deep into his feelings or any shit like that. All he wanted, all he needed, was to be in Jack’s arms, as sappy and queer as that sounded.

“Love you too, darlin’…”

𐚁₊⊹

K.E and Nancy arrived around lunchtime the next day. Jack, despite Ennis shrugging off any mention of ill feelings, had woken him with soft, reassuring words and lingering kisses. 

“I love you, Jolene loves you, Tom loves you, there ain’t much I wouldn’t do for you, sweetheart…”

“He can’t hurt you.”

The endearment had become common. In the beginning Ennis despised it, the mere thought of being someone’s sweetheart was so sissyish and unmanly that it turned his stomach. But late at night, when it was just the two of them, when he would kiss the purpling bruises on Jack’s hips and Jack would run his delicate, almost woman-like hands through his hair, Ennis didn’t seem to mind it as much. 

Jack’s eyes looked so full of memories when he said it.

It made Ennis want to melt.

“Ennis, how ya been?”

K.E’s gruff, but strangely friendly voice cut through his thoughts, and Ennis managed to look his brother in the eyes when he spoke.

“Alright. You?” 

K.E rambled on about some trouble they’d been having with moving from their ranch to the city, where it’d be easier for Avery to get to school, and Ennis nodded along, though he wasn’t really listening. K.E looked… older? More mature. Maybe fatherhood had softened him. He had always been described as the more talkative of the two Del Mar boys, no surprise there, and got a lot of girl’s attention during the three years he spent at Highschool. Ennis had as well to a point, but never actually had the courage, nor the interest, to speak to any of them.

Avery was tucked behind Nancy’s leg, who was being introduced to Jack by Jolene. Thomas stood beside them, making faces at Avery and trying to get a laugh out of him. He looked so much like their father. Brown eyes that weren’t soft, but deep and unknowing, dark blonde hair that held a slight curl, but not as much as Ennis’.

“— he’s just so shy, like you were, little brother. Ain’t right…” K.E sighed, “maybe you can get a word outta him, the boy’s goin’ inta kindergarten and ain’t made one friend at daycare…”

Ennis caught the eyes of the four year old and offered a small smile and a wave, which the boy hid from, cowering behind Nancy’s thigh.

“He’ll get there,” Ennis replied, though in the back of his mind he thought, you never did. Not till you met Jack.

“Jack Twist, ‘m stayin’ with Ennis till I get back on my feet…” Ennis held himself back from rolling his eyes, tired of hearing the same sentence every single time Jack introduced himself, “Jo invited me for Thanksgiving, bein’ her welcomin’ self an’ all.”

K.E chuckled and nodded, “that’s my sis,” he threw an arm around Jolene, who smiled sheepishly, “an’ know she’s got a baby on the way, spreadin’ her kindness through the family,” he was teasing, and Jo gave him a light punch on the arm, mumbling something like, well someone’ got to.

All seven of them sat down for the lunch of tomato soup that Jolene prepared, a meal that Jack knew Ennis hated, but wouldn’t dare reveal to his sister. Jack sent him a pitiful look and Ennis sneakily tried to flip him off but was caught by Jolene, who frowned deeply and gestured to Avery sitting beside him.

Ennis turned to look at Avery, who was just stirring his soup around rather than ingesting any of it. Ennis bit his lip. He’s just so shy… like you were, little brother. The words replayed in his head. Maybe he could try and bring Avery out of his shell. Or maybe he was an awkward, unapproachable, absent uncle who was in no way welcome in a four year old’s world. Either way Ennis didn’t think he would be much help. 

“Avery, honey, eat your soup,” Nancy prodded, a sickly sweet smile plastered to her face that made Ennis scowl inwardly. She seemed like a people pleaser. Jack was too, but while he succeeded at such pleasing, Nancy was just off putting. Avery set his spoon down carefully, his face blank.

“Don’t like it.”

K.E piped up, and Ennis could already see a piece of their father’s anger unveiling itself.

“Listen to yer mama A. Eat it.”

Jolene cut in, trying to diffuse some of the tension, “he don’t hafta if he ain’t hungry. We’re gonna be havin’ a big thanksgiving dinner tomorrow anyway,” she offered Avery a warm smile. Ennis saw K.E give Jo a hard look, but he stayed quiet. She was his older sister after all.

After lunch Jolene suggested that Ennis and Jack take Avery out riding while she and Nancy go shopping for thanksgiving dinner and Tom and K.E talk about whatever nearly thirty year old men talk about. Football probably, Ennis thought.

“Ya like horses Avery?” Jack was on one knee in front of the kid, who’s eyes were fixated on the grassy earth. Ennis had expected Jack to be good with kids, and he was. Avery was just a hard nut to crack.

Jack kept on a soft smile as Avery shrugged and then continued, “which one d’you wanna ride?” 

Ennis watched as Avery scanned the pasture, remembering how Jack had done the same when they’d first arrived over a month ago. After almost a minute a small hand pointed straight to Sage, who was grazing at the far end, by herself, as usual.

Jack recalled Ennis telling him about how the mare had just lost her foal, how she didn’t like the attention. And yet here they were, and Jack really didn’t want to break Avery’s heart.

Jack stood up, leaning in to whisper to Ennis, “Maybe it’ll be good for ‘er?” He watched as Ennis frowned and shook his head.

“Ain’t right. She gets real jumpy, Jack. Could be dangerous,” Ennis replied, his arms crossed.

Jack sighed, “you sure you want that one, bud?” 

Avery nodded with finality. Ennis tried to find it in himself to say no, because it really wasn’t safe, and Jo would kill him if something happened to Sage, he and Jack be damned. He failed miserably.

“Fine. Don’t tell Jo,” Ennis ground out, picking up the bridle and lead they’d chosen and hopping the fence, a pit of nervousness in his stomach. Sage had gotten somewhat better, but even on good days it was difficult to get close to her without almost getting trampled. 

“Hey girl,” Ennis began, trying to keep his voice steady and he tiptoed towards the horse. He swallowed, trying to ignore the voice in the back of his head.

This is a stupid fuckin’ idea an’ you know it.

Sage pawed the ground a few times, her breath getting heavier as Ennis crept closer. Gonna get my goddamn face kicked in for this kid. 

“Be careful!” He heard Jack holler across the pasture and Ennis turned just to give him a scowl that probably wasn’t seen clearly from the distance Jack was away, but it’s the thought that counts.

Ennis reached into his pocket and pulled out a sugar cube, knowing he had two in his pocket that he had stolen from Jolene’s tea stash during breakfast. Sage snorted and swished her tail, clearly wanting the treat but not daring to let her guard down and take it. Which, in a way, reminded Ennis of himself. All he did on Brokeback was want. Want, and want, and want, and never take. Never vulnerable enough to let himself have something he knows he shouldn’t. 

“It’s alright,” Ennis whispered, taking one step closer so his hand was easily in biting range. Sage nickered and lowered her head a little, ever so gently and tentatively taking the cube from Ennis’ hand. Ennis let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. Sage took the second cube with less hesitation.

Jack watched as Ennis put the bridle and lead on, careful not to jostle Sage too much or make her agitated. Ennis did have a gentler side, Jack knew that, he’d experienced it first hand, but seeing it never got old. He looked down at Avery and saw just a hint of a smile on his face, which in turn brought on his cheek splitting grin. Jack was gonna make this kid laugh if it killed him.

“Nice one, cowboy,” Jack teased, laughing when Sage snuffled at Ennis' hat and knocked it to the ground.

“Jolene’s gonna kill me,” Ennis sighed out, turning to look at Avery, who looked a lot happier than he had at lunch. He was practically shaking with excitement, going up onto his tiptoes to try and reach Sage.

Jack knelt down next to Avery and put a hand on his shoulder, “want me ta give you a boost?” Avery nodded vigorously, and Jack lifted him up onto his hip, stepping closer to the fence so the boy could give Sage the gentlest pat on the back Jack had ever seen. 

Ennis smiled to himself, Jack looked completely relaxed, in his element. Jack Twist could be a handful (in more ways than one). But he could switch from being an over exaggerated drunk on life rodeo cowboy, to a reassuring, careful twenty year old who was scared of making a single mistake. Ennis guessed that last bit came from his upbringing and once again  found himself in awe of how someone so bright and talented could be the son of a man like John Twist. 

Jack’s voice cut through his thoughts, “You don’t hafta get on if you don’t want to, bud. We ain’t pushin’ ya.”

“Don’t want to,” Avery mumbled, shaking his head.

“That’s alright, I’m shit at ridin’, jus’ ask Ennis here,” Avery giggled when Jack swore and Ennis shot him a look that was very similar to the one he himself had received from Jolene earlier.

“We could go see some chickens,” Ennis suggested, the first ever words he’d spoken to his own nephew, “if ya wanted…” 

“Yeah.”

“Let’s go then.”

Chapter Text

Thanksgiving dinner was fast approaching, and Ennis lay awake in bed, thinking about the night to come. Jack was snoring lightly beside him, an arm thrown across Ennis’ hips. It was just a family dinner. He’d been through worse. But he just couldn’t shake the feeling that he owed K.E a confession. That his own brother should know who he is. What he is. He already hated hiding. Hated having to act like sharing a bed with Jack was an inconvenience while Tom and Jo turned the downstairs office into a bedroom for K.E and Nancy. The sooner he told the better, before Ennis could get too attached to Avery and the feeling of being an uncle. K.E wouldn’t want a man like him around his son. 

Jack stirred and shifted closer, tucking his nose into Ennis’ neck. Forget owing K.E an explanation, Jack deserved to feel seen. To feel like Ennis wasn’t ashamed of him. 

“‘Nnis?” Jack’s breath tickled his neck.

“Mm?”

“Go to sleep, friend…gon be mighty tired in the mornin’…” his voice was sleep clogged and muffled by Ennis’ skin.

“‘M gonna tell K.E tomorrow, Jack.”

Ennis had been thinking about it since Jack had 

Jack sat up only slightly, and Ennis could just barely see him squinting through the darkness, his features a fuzzy blur.

“That’s… that’s a big step, bud,” Jack was breathless in his reply, “you sure?” 

Ennis nodded, reaching to wrap an arm around Jack’s waist and pull him closer, “he’s— he’s my brother. Even if he ain’t gonna look me in the eyes again, or hell, if he’s gonna beat the shit outta me, he deserves to know.” Jack understood. It was like ripping off a bandaid, and K.E was bound to find out eventually, with them living together and all.

“I’m proud of ya,” Jack almost whispered, his voice cracking. He could feel tears pricking his eyes, and while the nervousness of getting fucking beat to a pulp was present, there was a sense of excitement. Another person they wouldn’t have to hide around.

“You sound like my mama,” Ennis teased, cupping Jack’s cheek.

Jack shoved him a little, but laughed nonetheless, gasping when Ennis’ pulled him in for a kiss. Their lips met and Jack mumbled, “sweet bastard”, before sliding a hand under Ennis’ white tee, skimming his bare skin and making Ennis shiver.

“He ain’t gonna lay a finger on you, darlin’…” Ennis breathed, and he could feel the fucking grin on Jack’s lips as he did so. 

“Now you sound like my mama,” Jack joked, and Ennis frowned, not understanding at first, but frowning even deeper when he did.

“Not funny.”

“It’s a little funny.”

𐚁₊⊹

Jack remembered his childhood thanksgivings being a lot less… put together? His mama would always make a turkey, some vegetables, maybe a pie, but thanksgiving was a celebration, and in Jack’s experience, celebrations meant drinking. At least for his father. Oftentimes Jack would take a beer of his own, after dinner and after his dad’s ironic unthankfulness for everything in his life, and go out to the barn. Or to a friend’s house, if they were free. His mama worried about the drinking. More than she worried about the physical well-being of her son after an argument with his father. Jack had constantly shrugged her off, telling her that it was just what kids his age did, that it wasn’t a problem. But there was always an inkling in the back of his mind, what if it is? 

“Jack.”

Jack jumped, nearly dropping his cigarette, and met the eyes of a concerned looking Jolene.  

“Hey—sorry, yeah?”

“You alright? I think Ennis is lookin’ for ya. Dinner will be ready soon.”

Jack nodded a little too vigorously, “yeah, yeah, I was jus’ coming out to have a smoke. Know how you don’t like me and Ennis doin’ it inside an’ all,” he smiled, but it felt forced. Holidays were weird when the people you spent them with actually cared for you. At least in Jack’s experience they were. 

“Okay…” Jolene sighed, and to Jack’s extreme surprise, pulled out her own pack of cigarettes, and lit one with a lighter from her back pocket.

“I wanted to apologize. Fer not letting y’all know about K.E and Nancy. I shoulda known. Well, I did know, I know my brothers,” Jo took a drag and continued, “it ain’t fair on you especially. We both know how Ennis  gets. I— I know what they saw. An’ I know how much he loves you, and K.E bein’ here probably isn’t easy, and I’m sorry, Jack,” she practically stared Jack down, a sympathetic, motherly look on her face, and Jack realized just how much she cared. Not just about Ennis, but him too. 

“You really ain’t gotta apologize, Jo. He’s… better now. It was a shock, I guess, but he ain’t holdin’ a grudge against you er somethin’. Neither am I,” Jack smiled, a real one this time, and Jolene lay a hand on his shoulder.

“How are you, Jack Twist?”

That one had Jack stumped. Celebrations were easier now, and more common, with Ennis around. But it was… difficult, having memories of how things used to be. Memories that he didn’t really want, but were there, if just to spite him. 

“‘M okay,” Jack answered around his cigarette, trying to come up with what to say next because he knew Jolene wouldn’t let that slide.

Jolene nodded, but clearly didn’t believe him.

“I don’t know much about your family, Jack. But I’m assumin’, and tell me to fuck off if I’m wrong,” Jack laughed at that, “that it wasn’t like how a family should be.”

Jack bit his lip, and doubting his ability to hold back tears, just nodded in response.

“It’s hard, ain’t it?”

“Guess so,” Jack had never gone that far into the subject, not even with Ennis, really. His childhood was hell. He had scars to show for it. But while it affected his self esteem and ability to sleep, Jack didn’t really think about it that often. He was just able to push it away, not pretend that it didn’t happen, but keep it tucked away so he could only think about it when he wanted to. Hell, he’d been joking about it the night before.

“You love Ennis, but that don’t mean yer mind has to be on him all the time. You’re allowed to think about yourself, Jack.”

Jack knew that. Really, he did. But it was nice to be reminded of it.

“He’s— he’s had it a lot worse than me. With everything. I jus’ feel…” he took a deep breath in, “all his shit is happening now, it ain’t fair to him fer me to bring up old stuff ‘bout my daddy.”

Jolene shook her head, “Jack, y’all live together. You’re— I don’t wanna say boyfriends,” Jo made a weird face and Jack shook his head in agreement, feeling equally awkward about the word, “and I hate to say it, he’s gotta get over himself. He loves you so much, so why is he such a pussy about it?”

Jack had been thinking the same thing. Well, maybe not the same wording, but the idea was the same. 

“Talk to him, I know he’ll listen. He’s a fucking pain in the ass, but he’s a good listener,” Jo stamped out her cigarette and patted Jack’s shoulder before going back inside, leaving him with a slack jaw and more than one thing to discuss with Ennis later. 

𐚁₊⊹

“Dinner looks great Jo, thank you,” Ennis smiled, sitting down beside Jack and pouring himself a glass of water. Internally he was on the verge of throwing up. He’d told Jack earlier that he was going to tell K.E the truth about the two of them, and he’d put it off for the whole day. He’d thought an opportunity would come, but it hadn’t, and now he was left with just a few hours left in the day and a heavier weight on his shoulders than before.

They said grace and Nancy helped Avery put some food on his plate. Jack and Thomas made conversation, once again about Tillie, Jack nudging Ennis when he spoke about him hitting the poor puppy with the truck. Ennis smiled to himself. Despite the feeling of inevitable impending dread, it was shaping up to be a great Thanksgiving.

That was until K.E looked him in the eyes and asked, “how’s Alma doin’? She livin’ in that house in Texas with ya?” 

Ennis’ stomach dropped to his toes and he briefly glanced at Jack. This was it. Great way to ruin Thanksgiving. Ennis saw Jolene and Thomas share a look and he took a deep breath in, trying to meet K.E’s eyes.

“Nah, we uh, things didn’t work out between us.”

“Aw that’s a shame. She was a nice gal. What happened? You refuse ta go to ‘er friend’s weddin’ again?” K.E joked, setting his eyes on Jack and continuing, “this boy got near broken up with cause he di’nt wanna wear a damn suit an’ tie!” Apparently it was the funniest thing in the world to K.E, and Jack laughed awkwardly.

“Here’s the thing—”

“An’ I told ‘im, “little brother yer gon’ have to wear one someday” and he didn’t like that one bit! Alma was pissed and—”

“Keith. Let him speak,” Jolene almost never used K.E’s actual name, so when she did, he knew he should shut the fuck up. And surprisingly, he did.

Ennis cleared his throat, somehow finding it within himself to continue, “I am— I ain’t…” Ennis stumbled over his words and could feel himself shaking. It was so much different than when Jolene found out. He didn’t even really have to tell her, she just knew. And now, he was looking his older brother in the face, trying to tell him that everything their daddy had taught them went to shit. He felt Jack’s warm palm settle on his thigh, under the table so no one could see, but it was still there. 

“Me an’ Jack ain’t jus’ friends… is what I’m sayin’…” Ennis tried to read K.E’s expression, but his face was just blank. Then it seemed the information hit him, call it slow reaction time, but to Ennis it seemed his brother was putting on a mask. 

“Yer a fuckin’ faggot?” The venom in his voice was unmistakable. He sounded so disgusted. 

“Keith, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Jolene raised her voice, and Jack watched in horror as K.E stood up, wheeling on him. 

Ennis felt frozen in place beside Jack, not sure what to say or where to look. He’d expected this, he knew this would happen, he deliberately put Jack in danger. Not to mention Avery and Nancy, who at some point had slipped outside. This is what happens when someone finds out. This is what you get for being like this. 

“You,” K.E slurred, leaning over to the table and pointing a finger at Jack.

Ennis stood up, and although his voice was shaky, it was firm and threatening, “say another fuckin’ word, and I’ll punch your goddamn lights out,” he growled, but K.E’s eyes were still trained on Jack. 

“My brother, isn’t a dirty queer you cocksucki—” 

The crack of knuckles on jaw was sickening and Jack didn’t know who was getting hit until he saw K.E stumbling back with blood streaming out of his mouth and nose. Tom was standing where K.E had been, clutching his left hand with his right. Tillie was beside him, barking alarmingly loud and growling in K.E’s direction.

“Don’t take another step you prejudiced bastard,” Tom spat, “get the fuck out of my house.”

K.E stood there, pale face smeared with his own blood, and finally looked Ennis in the eye. He was scared. Angry and confused, but scared more than anything. Ennis knew how he felt. Everything in their life was meaningless. Every word of advice they’d learned from their father, the lessons they’d cherished after he was gone, meant absolutely nothing. Ennis still turned out the way he was. And of course K.E was going to blame it on Jack, because who in their right might let themselves love a man when it had been drilled into them their whole life that it was a sin? 

“How could you?” Was all K.E could say. 

“I had to,” Ennis croaked, “I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t.”

At that, K.E took one last look around the kitchen, then at Jolene, who had moved to stand beside Tom.

“You knew?”

“Yes.”

Briefly, a look of pure disappointment and sadness flashed across K.E’s bleeding face and Ennis felt a pang of guilt. He felt like he’d betrayed his own brother. Despite the constant arguments and physical violence that tainted their childhood, Ennis did care for K.E, and clearly, cared about what he thought of him. 

“We’ll pack up in the mornin’.”

K.E left quietly through the front door, no doubt going out to get drunk and forget everything that had been said. Ennis just felt numb. Jack was trying to speak to him, but his voice fell on deaf ears. Great way to ruin Thanksgiving. Great way to ruin an already nonexistent relationship. 

“I’m goin’ up to bed,” Ennis managed, and fuck he was shaking. Jolene nodded and to Jack’s surprise he felt Ennis tugging on his hand, asking him to follow. He usually liked to spend these moments alone, which upset Jack, because he knew all Ennis did was beat himself up over it. He mouthed goodnight to Jo and Tom and was met with a clear talk to him mouthed back.

As soon as Jack closed the bedroom door behind them Ennis was pushing him up against it, pulling a surprised noise from his throat. What the fuck? It was just like the other night. Just like the ones on Brokeback, when Ennis thought all their problems could be solved with out of control affection. A quick fuck, basically. As much as Jack would’ve liked to indulge on any other night, the man had just been called a faggot by his brother, and no sweaty tangle of limbs could heal the wound that must’ve left. 

“Ennis,” Jack huffed, nearly giving in when he felt Ennis start to unbutton his shirt and press heated palms to his stomach.

“Ennis… Ennis,” Jack grabbed Ennis’ wrists and pulled back from the kiss, feeling his heart break at the sight of tears gathering in Ennis’ eyes. His hands immediately shot up to cradle the blonde’s face, wiping away the wetness on his cheeks. 

“Hey, hey, Ennis, sweetheart, you’re okay,” Jack pulled him into a tight hug, feeling Ennis’ arms wrap around his waist, so desperate in their search for comfort.

“Please. Please, Jack. I need you,” his fingers dug into Jack’s exposed skin.

“You have me, cowboy. We can talk, jus’ take some deep breaths for me…” Ennis let out a sob into Jack’s neck and gripped him tighter, like he was about to be ripped away. Jack brought a hand up to gently weave through Ennis’ hair, unsure of what else to do. But then again, maybe he didn’t need to do anything, just stand there and let Ennis hold him. Sometimes reassurances weren’t enough. Sometimes Ennis got so caught up in hypotheticals that it overwhelmed him, he didn’t know the difference between worry and reality. He just needed to know that Jack was real. That he wasn’t going anywhere. Jack wasn’t Earl, he never would be.

Jack remembered what Jo had said earlier, about Ennis needing to get over himself. And while some of the time that was true, in the situations when Ennis got upset over Jack wanting to go to the grocery store with him, or go for a drive into town together, but sometimes his fears were understandable. They’d had a rough night, the both of them, and a conversation like that wasn’t going to help either of them. 

“We’re okay, En.”

Jack felt Ennis nod against his neck.

“Wanna lay down?”

He nodded again.

They got undressed and then under the covers, Ennis immediately pulled Jack close and pressed a kiss into his hair, murmuring something that Jack couldn’t quite hear, but ending it with, I love you.

“Love you too, cowboy.” 

𐚁₊⊹

Jolene stormed outside, praying that she would catch K.E before he sped off. Tom had got Nancy and Avery back inside and practically apologized for probably breaking their husband/father’s nose, even though Jo had insisted he needn’t do so.

Jo heard a truck start and rushed around to the side of the house, and soon enough she was banging on the driver side window, a deep scowl on her face. What kind of a fucking coward says that to his own brother? Kept replaying in her head, and the only answer she could come up with was, the kind raised by our father.

K.E rolled down the window and pulled a cigarette out from between his lips, “get the fuck outta the way, Jo.”

“Let me talk to you, Keith. That whole reaction you had in there, not fucking okay. At all,” Jo sighed, rubbing her forehead, “he’s yer brother. Jack’s a great gu—”

K.E cut her off, a horrified look on his face, “how can you say that? Look what he did to our baby brother, sis. He’s goin’ straight to hell and that pansy’s going with ‘im.”

Jolene itched to just smack him across the face, but he’d already been punched once that night, so she decided not to.

“I’m gettin’ in,” Jolene rounded the front of the truck, hearing K.E’s shouted protests as she opened the passenger side and slid into the seat. K.E glowered but began to reverse anyway. She didn’t quite know where her brother even planned on going, but she assumed it was a bar. God she could use a drink.

They drove in silence, despite Jolene wanting to talk, she decided it was best until K.E got a few drinks in him to loosen the tension. Eventually they did pull into the parking lot and K.E shut off the truck’s engine and got out, not sparing Jo a glance. 

The bar was quiet. Most people were probably spending time with their families and Jolene was here, chasing after her younger brother, trying to get him to come home. Which in the past, had happened more than once with both Ennis and K.E. Grief was a confusing thing, and the death of their parents left Jo to keep the family together. She wasn’t going to just give up now.

The place smelt musty and damp. The booths were split at the seams and looked like they hadn’t been cleaned since they opened. The few people that were there either passed out or were talking with the bartender, who seemed to be the drunkest person in the place. K.E chose a table tucked away at the back of the place, to avoid suspicion, Jolene guessed. 

“You want me to get you a beer?” K.E asked, pulling a ten dollar bill from his pocket.

“I’m five weeks pregnant, K.E.”

“Guess I’ll get you a coke then.”

When he returned and they both had their drinks, Jolene spoke.

“You can’t just give up on him. You can’t just leave like you did before, it’ll crush him. He’s better now, happier, thanks to Jack,” K.E set his beer down a little too hard, “but he’s been puttin’ off telling you this stuff because he was afraid you’d react exactly the way you just did. They’ve been through a lot.”

K.E scoffed, “nothin’ that they ain’t deservin’ of. What’s he thinkin’ Jo, hm? He’s gon’ go and get himself killed. You know it as well as I do.”

“Jack was attacked. They were stayin’ with me and he’d found a job. Y’know the Klassens? Fuck, it was horrible, he nearly died, K.E. Ennis was devastated. They don’t deserve an inch of what’s happened to them. And stop acting like you don’t know Ennis would rather die than disobey daddy. That’s why it’s so hard for him,” Jolene took a deep breath.

“He doesn’t wanna hide ‘round you. Or Avery.”

K.E visibly bristled, “what’s my son got to do with any of this? Far as I’m concerned he won’t be seein’ Ennis again,” he tried to sound authoritative, but Jolene heard his voice break.

“He’s always wanted to be an uncle, you know that. He’s always sayin’ he don’t want kids, we both know that ain’t true. He didn’t want kids with Alma. An’ given his current… situation, he won’t be gettin’ any. We’re all he’s got now, K.E. Us and Jack.”

Jo could see K.E cracking. The anger and frustration crumbling away and just sorry uncertainty remaining. 

“I don’t know.”

He sounded so small, and Jolene’s heart ached. It was the same voice he used after fighting with Ennis over a toy or a spot at the table. It was her little brother. 

“He doesn’t either. But he wants you guys to be okay.”

K.E held his head in his hands, and Jo could tell he was holding back tears. So, being the older sister she was, pulled him into a hug. K.E had always been more of a hugger than Ennis. 

“‘M so sorry, Jo.”

“You’re a good man, Keith. A good brother. So start actin’ like one.”

Jolene raised these boys, and if you asked her, she did a damn fine job.

𐚁₊⊹

Ennis woke before the sun, four o’clock to be exact, and just stared at the ceiling for an entire hour. The night before had been an exhausting one, and Ennis hadn’t yet begun to untangle all the worries in his head. Jack shifted occasionally, not known for being a still sleeper, but it wasn’t until five thirty that he cracked an eyelid.

“Too early…” he groaned, tugging Ennis closer, “go back to sleep, sweetheart.”

“Can’t.” 

Jack sighed, sounding more sympathetic than annoyed. They were supposed to be leaving today, but Jack wasn’t sure that either of them could make the nearly fifteen hour drive. Ennis finally tore his eyes away from the uninteresting plaster that was the ceiling and tucked his head against Jack’s shoulder, pressing a kiss there. Jack made an appreciative noise and ran a hand down Ennis’ back, feeling the muscles built from years of farm work. He was tense, Jack could tell, but he didn’t mention it.

It wasn’t until seven that they dragged themselves out of bed, taking turns to shower and then heading down to breakfast. Thomas was sat at the table, a coffee in hand, knuckles bloody and bruised. He gave a weak smile and Ennis tried his best to return it. Jack made them each a mug of coffee and leant against the kitchen counter, sipping idly. Nancy and Avery were nowhere to be seen, and Ennis guessed that they’d already left. It did hurt him a little, to think that he’d probably never see his nephew again. He’s just like you were. 

The three of them drank silently, Jack breaking the silence somewhat when he got himself a bowl of cereal and decided to eat it as loud as humanly possible.

“Nancy and K.E leave this mornin’?” Jack spoke through a mouthful of corn flakes.

Tom shook his head and Jack’s eyes widened. He’d for sure thought they would’ve been gone by the crack of dawn after last night's incident.

“Jo’s out showin’ Nancy and Avery the horses, Avery wanted you guys to take ‘im, but K.E said he wants to talk to y’all, “Jack put his bowl down on the counter and his eyes flicked to Ennis seated across from Tom at the table, “dunno what’s goin’ through his head, probably a lot though, cause it nearly busted my fuckin’ hand open…” he grimaced at his own fist and then shrugged.

“I think Jo had a word with him.” 

Ennis opened his mouth to speak when the front door swung open and in came an overly excited Avery, who, to everyone’s surprise, ran right up to Ennis.

“Ennis! Uncle Ennis! Guess what?” All Ennis could do was smile embarrassingly wide and watch as the four year old recounted every moment of his morning, “Sage was sooo nice today, she even let me brush her! An’ aunty Jo said that was special cause she don’t usually let anyone pet her, but it was okay cause I used sugar cubes just like you did! We saw the chickens again, but they didn’t lay any eggs, Tillie’s really good at sniffing them out and she didn’t find any so—”

“Av, let your uncle breathe,” Nancy scolded lightly, offering Ennis a warm, if somewhat awkward smile. It was strange. Prior to this morning Nancy had maybe spoken three sentences to him, two of them being “how are you?” And “I’m good thanks”. Where was K.E? What had Jo said to him? What the hell was going on?

Ennis snapped out of his thoughts when Avery tugged at his pant leg, trying to show him the copious amounts of sugar cubes he’d snuck into his pockets.

“That’s real good, bud. You should take Jack out there, teach him how to ride,” Avery giggled and Ennis continued, “He may be a bull rider but can’t ride horses worth a damn…” Ennis watched as the boy’s eyes lit up and his jaw dropped.

“A real bull rider?” Avery said it so quietly, like it was a secret.

“Yeah, but don’t ask ‘im about it cause he’ll talk too much, okay?” Ennis whispered back and he heard Jack scoff.

“That ain’t true!” 

“Is so,” Ennis teased, suddenly feeling perfectly comfortable to be himself with Avery and Nancy around. That was, until K.E walked in through the back door and met Ennis with a let’s talk. Right now look, one that he used to receive from his father when he was in deep shit.

Avery didn’t even bat an eye, “I wanna hear ‘bout bulls, Jack!” He bounced on the balls of his feet excitedly, looking up at the rodeo cowboy with absolute adoration.

Jack looked back to Avery after shooting Ennis a questioning look, “I’ll tell ya all about it, but me and yer uncle gotta have a talk with your daddy first,” Jack ruffled Avery’s hair and he pouted.

“That ain’t fair.”

“We’ll be quick, I promise,” Jack flashed him a smile and Avery reluctantly returned it, then running off to the office, probably grabbing some of his toys. 

K.E cleared his throat, “let’s talk outside,” Ennis nodded silently and the pair of them followed K.E out the back door. Once outside they stood around awkwardly while he lit a cigarette, taking a few degas before offering it to both of them. This surprised Ennis. K.E never shared his camels, why start now of all times?

“Yer loss…” he mumbled and cleared his throat once again, “lemme get this straight. Y’all are…” Jack and Ennis waited patiently as K.E grasped for words, “fuckin’?”

Ennis was red as a goddamn tomato, K.E looked like he’d just told his mama he pissed the bed, and Jack couldn’t help it, he burst out laughing. K.E wasn’t wrong they were… fucking. He’d just missed a few steps. Like the whole spending the rest of their lives together and the unconditional love part.

“Holy shit,” Jack wheezed, full body heaving as he tried to catch his breath. It’s all that smokin’ Jackie, is what his mama would say, it’ll be the death of ya. Both brothers were watching him with incredulous looks on their faces, unable to fathom what the man found so hilarious. 

Finally Jack was able to get a breath in without tumbling into another fit of laughter, and he easily responded, “you could say that.”

Ennis shot him a glare and K.E frowned, clearly confused.

“I mean hell, we live together, K.E. There’s gotta be more to it than fuckin’. Those that is an upsid—”

K.E cut him off, “alright, alright, I don’t wanna hear ‘bout my little brother’s sex life,” Jack saw Ennis physically recoil, “I don’t give a damn what y’all do in yer private life, I don’t give a damn what you do in yer public life. I just—” K.E flicked his lighter, “y’know what daddy was like, Ennis. I was… angry. I dunno like,” Jack was starting to realize just how much K.E talked with his hands, “how can you be free from all his shit when I ain’t never even thought ‘bout skippin’ a day of church? Or takin’ a day off work, or hell, this is fuckin’ embarrassing, crying.”

Ennis felt tears spring in his eyes and he bit his lip. Don’t fuckin’ cry don’t fuckin’ cry don—

“I ain’t free from it.”

“Yeah ya are. How can you do this if you aren’t?”

“Cause of him,” Ennis jabbed a thumb to his right, where Jack was standing, “I ain’t never been this happy, K.E. Guess that’s why I do it. He makes me happy,” Ennis shrugged, fucking shrugged, like he hadn’t just smashed Jack’s heart with a sledgehammer and glued it back together stronger than before.

Now Jack was the one begging for the burning in his eyes to subside. 

“He’d be so disappointed. In all three of us,” K.E choked out, clearly swallowing down sobs.

“Nah. not Jo.”

K.E laughed tearily and wiped his eyes before turning to Jack.

“Jack Twist, you fuckin’ bastard,” he was borderline laughing, and Jack grinned, “Jolene told me you’re a great guy, an’ I’ll take her word for it. Fuck you.”

Jack nodded, still smiling like crazy, and K.E sighed.

“Enough of this cryin’ shit,” all three men wiped their eyes, “Go yammer to my son about those damn bulls you ride, he already fuckin’ adores you, Twist.”

𐚁₊⊹

Both Ennis and Jack and Nancy and K.E decided to stay for one more day at Jolene’s to make up for the previously unpleasant company. Jack was sitting cross legged on the floor with Avery, building lego, while Ennis watched from the couch.

“I’m building a place for the horsies to go,” Avery announced, grabbing one of his horse figures and placing it inside the brightly coloured structure.

“Yeah? Well I’m buildin’ a big tower,” Jack replied, and Ennis smiled as the two of them talked back and forth, hands snapping pieces together almost as if it was second nature. Nancy and Jolene had gone out baby shopping in town, and their husbands, still somewhat hostile towards each other, were drinking on the front porch. It was nice. Just the three of them. It almost, almost made Ennis wish he and Jack could have kids of their own. 

“Jack?” Avery asked, still keeping his eyes focused on building his lego barn.

“Yeah, bud?”

“Are you an’ uncle Ennis married?”

Jack smiled to himself and Ennis saw it, “nah. We can’t get married, Avery, but it’s like that. I like Ennis in the same way yer daddy loves yer mama, an’ Jo loves Thomas,” Ennis just watched, intrigued, as Jack did a surprisingly good job at explaining queer folk to a four year old.

Avery made a disappointed noise and finally looked up from his bricks, “Why can’t you get married?”

Jack shrugged, carefully thinking about what to say, “people don’t like that me and Ennis love each other the way we do. They think it’s bad,” Jack’s voice remained calm and steady, like he was having a normal everyday conversation, and not revealing to an impressionable child that prejudice and hatred existed.

“I want you to marry uncle Ennis,” Avery said quietly, like he was trying to hide it from the man in question.

“You an’ me both, A,” Jack whispered back, but it was still loud enough for Ennis to hear. It made him want to cry for what felt like the thousandth time that day. Jack wanted to marry him. Hell, if the world wasn’t so upside down Ennis would get down on one knee that second. 

Avery gestured for Jack to come closer and then cupped his hand against his mouth, whispering something that Ennis couldn’t hear. Jack smiled, god how Ennis loved that smile, and nodded.

“That’s a good idea. I’ll have to think about it though,” Avery seemed mildly disappointed at Jack’s response, and Ennis wondered what the boy had said. 

“How’s yer barn goin’, bud?” That brightened Avery’s face significantly and he rambled on about where he was going to keep the hay and horse feed. Jack looked genuinely interested, nodding along and cutting in to make his own suggestions. Ennis was almost envious of how well Jack could talk to children, how he could play for hours on end, or stop Avery when he was crying, or whining about dinner. Not by yelling though, he was firm, but there was always a lighthearted tone to his voice. Jack never yelled around Avery. It hurt Ennis to think about how much that contrasted his childhood. 

“Tell you what, me an’ Ennis gotta go make a start on dinner, so you continue buildin’, and when I get back you can take me on a tour of yer barn,” Jack spoke softly, smiling when Avery nodded.

“Alright then,” he turned to Ennis, who was still on the couch, “Get yer lazy ass up cowboy,” Avery giggled and Jack held out his hand, doubting that Ennis would grab it and nearly passing out when he did.

Ennis grinned, “look who’s talkin’.”

They started walking towards the kitchen, hand in hand, then turned when Avery called out.

“Love you uncle Ennis! Love you Jack!”

Jack watched as Ennis called back, a little quieter, “love you too.”

“Love ya, A!” Jack followed, much louder, breaking into a fit of laughter when Ennis started peppering kisses all over his face and neck.

“It ain’t a competition, rodeo,” Ennis teased.

“If it was, I’d win. I just played at least three hours of lego with that kid,” Jack replied, sounding absolutely exhausted, switching from his playful and over the top personality to a more calm and relaxed version of himself.

Jack sighed, “anyway, what’re we makin’ fer dinner?”

“No tomato soup please an’ thanks Jack!” Avery yelled once more, and good lord did that kid have incredible hearing.

Jack laughed, “he’s yer nephew alright.”

Ennis shrugged, “least he knows how to say please.”

Jack scoffed, “yeah, you could learn from ‘im.”

“I think we all could.”

Chapter Text

Dinner was loud and lively, Avery blurting out random questions for Jack and Jack answering them as seriously and accurately as possible. Ennis watched, 100% head over heels in love with the man sitting beside him. They’d held off on the tomato soup per Avery’s request and made grilled cheese, not a proper dinner in the other adult’s minds, but everyone had to admit, Ennis made a damn good grilled cheese. 

“Y’know, you could come see me ride sometime bud, I oughta get back in the saddle soon enough…” Jack shrugged, mumbling through a bite of bread.

Ennis frowned, clearly surprised, looking between Avery and Jack, “hell no you ain’t. Nearly broke a damn rib last time. Ain’t doin’ that shit again.”

“Gotta say, I agree with Ennis on this one,” Jolene began, “there’s been too many close calls with you, Jack. Ain’t sayin’ they’re your fault, not at all, but I’m too attached to you now, Twist,” she pointed at Jack, grilled cheese in hand, “If you and my brother split, I’d take yer side.”

Ennis’ jaw dropped and Nancy giggled.

“I’d get the house too,” Jack joked, “and by the way, “that shit” is what bought it.” 

“Don’t see what’s wrong with ridin’ while yer still young,” Thomas shrugged, “I’m ‘bout ten years older than ya, wish I could be hoppin’ up and down on some stock…” 

“I dunno, rodeos sure as hell took years off my life,” K.E cut in, shocking everyone a little. He was adjusting surprisingly well to the new family dynamic. Jack’s eyes widened.

“What’d you do?”

“Me an’ Ennis did some saddle bronc, I did steer wrestling a few times…” 

Once in a while. When I got the entry fee in my pocket.

Jack nudged Ennis and smiled, “you any good?” 

“Nah.”

K.E laughed, “he was absolutely fuckin’ shit! He’s known fer bein’ a horse guy an’ all, but damn he got thrown from that bronc soon as his ass hit the saddle!” Jack giggled and Ennis tried to mask his embarrassed smile with a frown.

“He’s right. Sure as hell wasn’t no twelve second bull ride…”

Avery borderline shrieked, “twelve seconds!? That’s like this many!” Avery held up seven fingers and Jack laughed, blushing a little. Tom and K.E’s jaws were on the floor.

“Goddamn. Din’t think you were that good, no offence,” Tom confessed, earning himself a light smack from Jo. Avery and K.E spent the next fifteen minutes bombarding Jack with questions and Ennis just watched. K.E Del Mar. His bullheaded, prejudiced, arrogant, traditional brother, was asking Jack questions about bull riding rather than crushing his skull with a metal pipe. It was unexpected. Different. Was this the sweet life Jack had spoken of? It had to be. Ennis couldn’t think of a better life to be living. Or a better person to be living it with. Oh and Avery. Jack was so cute as an uncle, Ennis didn’t think he could bear it. Jack deserved to be a father. Ennis despised that they could never have or raise a child together, queers couldn’t have kids biologically or even adopt. They were shit out of luck. That fact was always going to be swimming around in Ennis’ mind, throwing flashes of guilt whenever necessary. Ennis had never wanted to be a father until Jack. 

“You alright cowboy? Ya look exhausted,” Jack set a gentle hand on his thigh under the table, just like he had the night prior. It had the same effect, a warm but still cautious feeling bubbled in Ennis’ chest. 

“‘M fine… a little tired I guess.”

Nancy sighed, checking her watch before running a hand softly through Avery’s hair, “it’s ‘bout time for bed, honey, go an’ get yer pajamas on.” 

Avery groaned, pouting exaggeratingly, “not fair…”

“Is so. Even Ennis is tired. He’ll be off to bed too,” Nancy replied, nodding her head towards Ennis.

“Fine. But Jackie and uncle Ennis get to tuck me in,” the boy crossed his arms and put on his best grumpy face, eyebrows furrowing deeply.

Nancy cast a glance at the two of them, a questioning look on her face, “I dunno, A. They’re probably tired, it’s a bit of a hassle—”

“Nah it’s fine, we can put ‘im to bed,” Jack cut in, turning to smile at Ennis, “it ain’t a hassle.” He grinned at Nancy and she nodded, offering a small smile in return.

“Well… ok then. Run along and get ready fer bed sweetie. Ennis an’ Jack’ll be in soon.”

Avery nodded excitedly and toddled down the hallway to their makeshift bedroom in the office. Jack collected the dinner plates and helped Jolene wash up, K.E and Thomas went outside for a smoke and Nancy went over Avery’s somewhat complicated bedtime schedule.

“He gets one book. Don’t matter what he says to you Ennis, one. Then you gotta check twice in the closet fer monsters, once under the desk, and three times behind the door. After that he might want one of you to lay with him for a few minutes…” her voice faded in the background and Ennis nodded along absentmindedly. By the time they actually reached the office Avery’s eyelids were drooping.

“Uncle Ennis…” he murmured, rubbing his eyes with his tiny fists. He had tucked himself into the smaller cot that was pushed up against the desk.

Ennis couldn’t hold back the smile that bloomed on his face, he was so sweet, “hey bud. You want Jack to tell you a story?”

“Mhm…”

Jack sat on the edge of the cot and Ennis perched on the end of it, probably equally excited as Avery to hear the story Jack was going to tell. Jack swung his legs onto the cot, getting himself comfortable and making Avery giggle when he pretended to yawn and fall asleep. 

“Jackie, I wanna hear the story!”

“Ok, ok,” Jack chuckled and thought for a moment, Avery had heard almost all of his rodeo tales, and those weren’t very exciting to start with. Then he caught Ennis’ eye and knew exactly what he was going to say.

“Hey A, d’you know how me an’ yer uncle Ennis met?” 

Avery shook his head.

Ennis’ face was unreadable and Jack mouthed, “ok?” To which Ennis nodded so Jack continued.

“Well last summer, ‘bout… six months ago now, we met while herdin’ sheep on this mountain.”

Avery gasped, and apparently he got excited by any kind of farm stock, “how many sheep?” Ennis laughed, picking at a hangnail on his thumb.

“Too many.”

Jack grinned, “he’s right. Too many fuc— too many sheep that we had to look after, just the two of us,” Jack lowered his voice, acting like Ennis couldn’t hear, “an’ Ennis was grumpy all the time. He was only nice to the horses,” Ennis leaned forward and swatted the back of Jack’s head, causing him to yelp and Avery to giggle. 

“Yeah well Jack was no help. Did damn near nothin’. Just waited around while I did all the cookin’. Couldn’t even ride a horse,” Ennis’ voice stayed serious but he had a slight smile on his face. He secretly loved recalling his memories from Brokeback. Before he knew that the pain in the ass rodeo cowboy he was herding sheep with would become his everything.

“See? Grumpy,” Jack jabbed a thumb back in Ennis’ direction and Avery was fully awake now, listening intently.

“Anyway, I was tryin’ to be friendly an’ all, but he din’t really appreciate it, cooked some damn good potatoes though. Even when he hated ma guts.”

I never hated you. Ennis wanted to say. I loved you before I even knew what it meant.

Jack continued rambling about the mountains, the beauty of the night sky, the bear Ennis encountered, how he looked forward to seeing Ennis every evening, obviously leaving out the less age appropriate details and tent related activities. Avery was completely enamoured, constantly asking questions about what it was like living in the wilderness for two months. Did they miss their mamas? how did they sleep without a nightlight? Jack answered all of them seriously, never one to laugh or make fun of a genuine question. 

After checking for monsters a total of seven times, (Avery was convinced that the desk drawer had to be investigated) Ennis left Jack to wait for Avery to fall asleep. He grabbed a beer from the fridge and leaned against the kitchen table, popping off the cap and absentmindedly fiddling with the label. K.E and Thomas came in through the back door, K.E shoving his cigarettes back in his shirt pocket before Jo would see. It made Ennis smile. Keith was a full grown man and he was still wary of his older sister’s presence. 

“My boy go down easy?” K.E asked, having hoisted himself into the countertop, swinging his legs like a kid perched on a tree branch.  

Ennis nodded, “Jack’s got ‘im. I was never real good with kids. More of his thing I guess.”

Thomas scoffed, taking two beers from the fridge and giving one to K.E, “Ennis. That kid didn’t say three words ‘fore you came along. He thinks the world of you. An’ Jack. ‘Sides, yer only nineteen. You won’t know how ya are with kids till you got one. Lord knows how I'm gonna be as a father…”

Till you got one. Sure. It was impossible. Adoption was illegal. Jack very clearly was not a woman, Ennis was glad for that, but besides everything, it was scary. Neither of the men had grade A fathers. Ennis knew Jack tried so hard to be a positive influence for Avery in a way that he’d wanted his own father to be. He was so determined, and Ennis knew it must be exhausting, as well as rewarding. 

Ennis almost laughed, still picking at the beer label, “I ain’t havin’ kids, Tom.”

Tom just shrugged, “maybe someday. When people get their heads the right way round you could adopt.”

“Don’t see that happenin’ anytime soon.”

K.E set his beer down, “ain’t the point. You’re good with kids, little brother. Jo sees it, Nance sees it, Tom sees it, I sure as hell see it,” he ran a palm down his face, sighing, “fuck, I try every single day to be a better man than daddy. I don’t wanna make him like us, Ennis. No offence.”

“None taken.”

“He’s a great kid. But he’s… different than I was. I don’t want him to think I don’t love ‘im cause he ain’t like me. Lord knows that’s how daddy made everyone feel…”

“I was raised by just my mama,” Thomas’ voice shook a little, “My dad left when I was ‘round six. Dunno why. It’s nothin’ compared to the shit y’all went through… but, I was real lonely I guess. Always thought I did something wrong in the eyes of a man I din’t even know.” Ennis nodded. He knew Tom was an only child. He remembered Jolene telling him about Tom’s mama passing away.

She was all he had.

“I hear that,” K.E mumbled, taking a swig of his beer.

Ennis hated the whole, “take turns in sharing your feelings” bullshit. But at the same time it did make him want to speak up. It could feel nice to share with someone other than Jack. Or he could feel completely stupid and judged because he was the only queer man in the kitchen and Tom and K.E probably wouldn’t give a shit about anything he had to say. 

“Jack helps me. A lot.”

Both of the other men’s heads turned in Ennis' direction and he shifted his gaze to the table, watching his thumbs as they peeled the beer label.

“I get… wrapped up in all the stuff daddy used to say,” he shrugged, “it’s hard. But he’s… Jack’s there. Dunno how he does it all the time. He’s been through his own shit,” Ennis forced a breath through his nose, “he’s fuckin’… he’s it.”  

A smile bloomed on Thomas’ face and K.E shoved his shoulder. 

“Never saw you as the romantic one, brother.”

Ennis grumbled and took another sip of beer. He didn’t think neither him nor Jack were really romantic. Jack was more sentimental maybe. But he always had been, with his goddamn rodeo buckle and stupid fucking nicknames. 

The three of them continued quiet conversation while they finished their beers and Ennis briefly wondered what was taking Jack so long. By eleven o’clock he got tired of waiting and went to go see what the hold up was.

“Jack,” Ennis whisper-yelled, opening the door a crack so as to not let too much light spill into the room. No response. Was he fucking asleep? 

“Jack.”

No response.

Ennis cursed quietly and stepped into the room, squinting to make out the figure of Jack, very much asleep, with a snoring Avery attached to his arm. Tillie lay curled up on the end of the cot. 

Shit. 

It was going to be nearly impossible to not wake the sleeping toddler while prying him off Jack’s arm, that was clear, but Ennis really didn’t have any other choice. He crept around the bed, smashing his hip into the desk as he did so.

“God fuckin’ damnit Jack, wake yer ass up!” Ennis laid a hand on Jack’s shoulder and shook gently.

The man’s eyes cracked open and he frowned, squinting up at Ennis.

“What time’s it?”

“Past eleven, get up.”

With a joint effort the pair of them were able to get Jack’s arm free and creep out of the room, deciding to let Tillie stay. Once up in their own room Jack leaned back against the door, clicking it shut behind him.

“You want me to drive tomorrow?”

Ennis shrugged, “don’t mind. If yer too tired I can,” he unbuttoned his shirt and pulled on his pajama pants, “you spent a lot of time runnin’ after Avery…”

Jack smiled sleepily, “he’s a fun kid. Reminds me of myself a little. But he’s less— I dunno, boxed in?”

Ennis nodded, walking up to Jack and unbuttoning his shirt, kissing his collarbone when it became visible. Jack hummed, holding his arms up so Ennis could tug off his undershirt. 

“I love you,” Ennis mumbled, caressing Jack’s bare sides as he pressed kisses along his jaw, making him shiver.

Jack took Ennis’ head in his hands, “love ya more.”

Ennis groaned, “we ain’t gettin’ into this, Twist. It’s corny as hell,” still, he nosed in for a kiss and Jack weaved a hand through his hair, effectively keeping their lips apart.

“Fine, guess you love me less then,” Jack put on an exaggerated pout and Ennis wanted to kiss him so badly he didn’t think he could stand it. That godforsaken mole above his lip drove Ennis in circles.

Ennis rubbed gentle circles into Jack’s hip bones with his thumbs, pressing their foreheads together.

“I love you more than life little darlin’…”

That did it. Jack brought their lips together somewhat urgently, groaning softly when Ennis brought his hands to the small of his back, pressing them closer together. 

“You’re the most beautiful boy I’ve ever seen,” Jack whispered against Ennis’ lips, and god did that make his night. Holy shit.

Jack pushed off the door and they half fell half gracefully flopped onto the bed, giggling like little girls. 

“Can’t wait to get home,” Jack breathed, peppering kisses all over Ennis’ face and neck, “I love yer family, En, but we haven’t been alone in a week…” Ennis groaned as Jack shoved a hand down the front of his pajama pants.

Jack grinned, kissing Ennis gently and trying to undo his own belt with one hand. 

“An’ what a week it’s been,” Ennis got out, shoving Jack’s hand away and getting his belt undone in less than a second.

“‘M real sorry about my parents… didn’t think they’d be as bad as they were.”

Ennis squeezed his eyes shut, “Jack, don’t bring up yer parents right now,” Jack laughed and kicked his jeans off, once again holding Ennis’ jaw in his hands and looking at him like he was sculpted by god himself.

“I’m real happy, Ennis.” 

“Me too.”

𐚁₊⊹ 

Avery was very unhappy when Jack woke him up at seven thirty to say goodbye.

“Why can’t you stay?” He whined, gripping Ennis’ wrist like he was going to be ripped away any second. Jack was trying his best not to laugh. Of course he was sad to be leaving, he’d grown to be a part of Ennis’ family and it was difficult to say goodbye, but he could tell Ennis wasn’t saying anything so he wouldn’t cry, which was heartbreaking as well as incredibly endearing and a little hilarious. Not because Jack enjoyed seeing Ennis cry, but the face he was making made him look like a dehydrated pufferfish. 

Jack kneeled down to Avery’s level, something Ennis noticed he did a lot, and guessed that it was to avoid making Avery feel like he was being talked down to, which Jack had experienced a lot of. Tears welled in his eyes and he cursed himself internally. 

“We’ll be back ‘fore ya know it, A,” Jack spoke quietly, a hand on Avery’s shoulder, “I’ll miss you a ton,” tears spilled over onto Avery’s cheeks and Jack pulled him into a hug.

“Love you Jackie.”

Jack bit his lip, now holding back his own tears as he patted Avery’s back gently, “love you too, bud.”

He sniffled as he stood and watched as Ennis crouched where he had moments before.

“I’ll see you ‘round, yeah?” Don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry. Avery nodded, scrubbing at his wet face. Ennis bit his lip so hard it bled, practically begging for a burning in his eyes to fade, but it didn’t. 

He took a deep breath, swallowing the spit that had accumulated on his tongue, “Yer real good with horses, Avery, better than me. Good with lego too, whole lot better than Jack,” Avery giggled and Jack wiped at his eyes, almost losing it when Jo put a hand on his shoulder. 

“I love you, A, see ya real soon okay?” Ennis let the tears fall as he pulled Avery into a hug, picking him up. He really didn’t expect to be this upset. But at the end of the day they lived hours and hours away from each other, and knowing K.E, it’d be months before they saw each other again, no matter the pleasant outcome of their current visit. 

“Love you uncle Ennis.”

Ennis handed the now sobbing child off to Nancy, who gave him a sad smile. 

K.E stepped forward, his hands shoved deep into his pockets, a Del Mar commonality. 

“C’mere,” he croaked, clearly pushing all of his emotions down as he usually did. Ennis hesitantly accepted the bear hug K.E pulled him into. They never hugged. It was either a handshake or nothing at all. 

“Yer real brave, Ennis. An’ I know I ain’t been fair to you, I know that,” K.E’s voice was muffled by Ennis’ shirt, but the words hit him all the same, “you’re not him. Don’t forget that.”

You’re not him. 

All Ennis could do was nod as K.E let him go, mumbling a thank you and looking over to see Jack in tears with his arms around Jolene.

“He gon’ be a while,” Ennis rubbed his forehead, turning back to look K.E in the eye.

“Avery’s lucky to have you. Thanks fer lettin’ me y’know get to know him an’ all.”

K.E smiled, “I should thank you, little brother. He’s a whole lot happier with you two ‘round,” his smile faded a little, “hope we can keep him that way.” 

“You will.”

Jack couldn’t help it, as soon as Jolene pulled him in he was all but sobbing into her shoulder. 

“Fuck ‘m sorry, Jo.”

“Don’t apologize, Jack Twist,” Jolene pulled away, wiping a few tears of her own, “you’ve done so much fer our family, I can’t thank you enough,” Jack could never really understand what he’d done to deserve the thanks that he received. Loving Ennis was a privilege, not a chore, he would never get tired of it.

Jack got a somewhat tense handshake from K.E and he offered a polite smile, not really knowing what to say.

Then a cheeky grin bloomed on K.E’s face and he pulled Jack into a tight hug, “I’m just playin’ Twist, don’t have a fuckin’ stroke,” Jack chuckled nervously, accepting the hug and shaking K.E’s hand again when they separated. 

Finally, after all the goodbyes were said and Avery had loosened the death grip on Tillie’s collar, Ennis, Jack, and Tillie walked out to their truck. 

“Take care of my brother!” Jolene’s voice sounded strained and a little teary. Jack grinned at Ennis before turning back in Jo’s direction.

“I always do!”

𐚁₊⊹

Getting home was refreshing. And cold. Really fucking cold.

Jack had left the heater off the whole week they had been gone and the house felt like the goddamn arctic. Ennis immediately grabbed all of the blankets in the house and piled them on their bed, making sure Tillie was tucked in before managing to get two mugs of coffee brewing.

“Shit, Del Mar if you’re gonna start doin’ this much ‘round the house I should leave the heater off more often,” Jack joked and Ennis flipped him off while pouring coffee. His teeth were chattering and Jack did feel a little bad.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I was all over the fuckin’ place an’ I wasn’t thinkin’…” he came up behind Ennis, settling his head on his shoulder and wrapping his arms around Ennis’ waist.

Jack kissed his jacketed shoulder and then his neck, “we can go bundle up in bed with Tillie. The heater’s runnin’ now, shouldn’t take too long to warm up.”

Ennis leaned into Jack’s touch, then turning in his arms to face him, “‘s alright. But yeah, let’s get in bed, freezin’ my ass off standin’ here…”

They ended up weighed down by multiple blankets, Tillie having a few of her own, and Ennis with his arm slung over Jack’s hips and head on his chest. They were both completely naked, “to conserve body heat” is what Jack had said. Ennis didn’t believe that one bit, but undressed anyway.

“We should paint the kitchen,” Jack’s hand gently passed through Ennis’ hair, fiddling with the strands.

Ennis took a drag of his cigarette and craned his neck up to give Jack a confused look, “why?”

Jack shrugged, “it’s our house, ain’t it? Thought it’d be nice to make it more ours I guess,” Ennis hummed, it wasn’t too bad of an idea, and the garish yellow flowery print did make Ennis want to vomit. 

“Sure.”

Jack laughed, jostling Ennis’ head a little, “still can't believe I’m doin’ this with you.”

Ennis frowned, a tinge of worry colouring his words, “doin’ what?”

“I mean shit, I was herdin’ sheep with ya six months ago an’ now we got a house an’ everythin’ just went so fast y’know?”

The pit in Ennis’ stomach got bigger and he loosened his grip on Jack’s waist, “are you regretting it?” Jack fully sat up at that, causing Ennis to slide off his chest and scramble around for the cigarette he’d dropped. Jack’s eyes were wide, his face painted with confusion.

He spluttered, “hell no! Is that what you thought I was saying?”

Ennis stubbed the cigarette out in their ashtray, shrugged and nodded, “well yeah…”

Jack closed his eyes, rubbing in between his eyebrows, “shit, I fucked that up,” he opened his eyes, leaning back onto his elbows and looking Ennis right in the eyes, “I don’t regret a bit of it, Ennis. None. Not even when you fuckin’ punched me in the face,” Ennis grimaced at that, clearly ashamed, “yer the only person I ever loved like this,” Jack’s voice got quieter, his finger traced Ennis’ jaw, his eyes trained on his lips, “an’ I wanna fuckin’ marry you.” 

All Ennis did in response was grab Jack by the back of the neck and pull him down for a bruising kiss. Their noses smashed together painfully and Jack groaned, pulling back a little to leave a sweet kiss on the bridge of Ennis’ nose. He smiled and it was so cute Ennis was sure he was grinning like an absolute idiot.  

“You’re pretty an’ funny and so goddamn stubborn and  I wanna marry you, Ennis Del Mar. Honest to god,” it wasn’t really a confession, more of a confirmation. Jack knew he wanted to be with Ennis from the moment he’d met him.

Ennis stroked Jack’s hip, wanting so bad to give into the illusion that they could get married, that they could have children, but it was impossible.

“We can’t though, Jack. Ain’t legal.”

Jack’s smile didn’t fade even a little bit, “don’t matter. We’ll figure it out. Depends on who’s proposin’,” Ennis blushed a deep red and Jack chuckled, kissing Ennis before he could open his mouth again. 

Ennis knew right then and there that he was going to propose as soon as possible.

So did Jack.

𐚁₊⊹

“We are not paintin’ the kitchen blue.”

Jack’s smile dropped, “why the hell not?”

They were standing in said kitchen after supper a few days after arriving home. The start of December brought a hell of a lot of snow, uncommon for Texas but nonetheless, Jack had come in from shovelling their front step with numb hands and apparently, paint colour ideas. 

“Cause it’s ugly an’ we ain’t no housewives, Jack,” Ennis put two more dishes in the sink, scrubbing at the grease and cursing when it wouldn’t come off. 

“The hell you mean? Blue kitchens popular with housewives?” 

“I mean,” Ennis began, flicking water at Jack and making him scowl, “why can’t we just paint it white er somethin’? Simple ‘nough.”

Jack shrugged, “we could… or we could paint it blue an’ not have some borin’ ass kitchen,” he took his gloves off and set them in the counter, rubbing his hands together to warm them up. Ennis crossed his arms, leaning against the sink.

“No.”

Jack threw his hands up, irritated, “who gives a fuck what colour our kitchen is, Ennis? Damn!”

“Clearly you do.”

Jack scoffed, “well fuck me.”

Ennis smiled a little, “I will if it means we don’t gotta have blue walls…” that got a surprised laugh out of Jack.

“Walked right into that one…”’he walked up to Ennis and put his hands on his hips, just below his waistband. Ennis reached a hand up to card fingers through Jack's hair, running a thumb over the scar on his temple, something he did often. Jack wanted to smooth the frown lines as soon as they appeared.

“‘S alright. Over now,” Jack spoke quietly and slid a hand under Ennis’ shirt, pulling a hiss from him at the sting from Jack’s still cold hands, “we’re safe.”

Ennis nodded, face relaxing a little. 

“An’ Ennis?”

“Mm?”

“I already bought blue paint.”

That’s how the two of them ended up covered in blue paint, Ennis more so than Jack because Jack seemed to actually be painting him more than the wall. 

“Jack put the damn roller down before ya get more paint on the floor.”

Jack giggled as Tillie pranced around the house, leaving little blue paw prints everywhere, “‘m just havin’ fun, En! Lighten up a little…”

Ennis grumbled to himself and Jack reluctantly refocused on painting where he was supposed to paint. 

They were about halfway through the job when the living room phone rang. Both boys frowned. Jo was the only one who had their phone number, and it was unlikely she’d call so soon after seeing them. Unless it was an emergency.

Ennis’ stomach tightened at the thought. His mind ran through a million scenarios, all of them equally terrifying. Jack saw the telltale look on his face, the fidgeting hands, his inability to quit chewing at that damn hangnail on his thumb. He took one hand in his own and reached the other up to cradle Ennis’ jaw.

“It’s just the phone, sweetheart. Ain’t nothin’ to worry ‘bout.”

Jack hurried to answer it, inevitably tracking more paint through the house as Ennis stood and tried to get back to painting. 

Jack answered on the fifth ring, leaving blue fingerprints on the receiver. He too was just a bit worried. Jolene was a busy gal and while it wasn’t up it of the ordinary to get a call from her, it was unusual she would have the time. 

“Hello, this is Jack Twist speakin’…” he cursed himself for the shake in his voice. 

“Jack? This is Paul.” 

Jack frowned, Paul? I don’t know no Paul. Who the hell’s callin’ our house? 

“Paul Hadley? We went to Highschool together.”

Oh. Well that’s…

“You blew me under the bleachers…”

Nostalgic.

Paul fucking Hadley. The sonofabitch who found out that Jack was open to making “friends” and then ruined his life when he told the whole school about it. A few people had just brushed it off as a rumour, Paul had no proof of course, and claimed he just saw it happening, but it was more his home life that was affected. Jack remembered when his dad found out, he remembered the disappointed look on his mother’s face, the look on the priest’s face when his mama had taken him to church the next day. 

“This will all be over soon, Jackie,” is what she’d said.

Jack could recognize now she was only trying to protect him from the father, especially after their most recent visit, but it still hurt. Paul had got off scot free, and the rest of the school spent weeks trying to find out who Jack Twist was getting his knees dirty for.

“How the fuck did you get my number?”

He heard Paul chuckle on the other end of the line and he clenched his fist, Paul fucking Hadley.

“Don’t get so worked up Jackie boy, yer mama gave it to me. I was in town visitin’ my parents, decided to give ya a call an’ catch up.”

Jack hated that fucking nickname. When his mama called him Jackie it was fine. He definitely didn’t mind when Avery used it. But Paul? Oh hell no. 

“Yeah, don’t ever call me that again,” he clenched his jaw to keep from screaming into the phone and slamming it down onto the receiver. Paul was quiet for a few beats before speaking again. 

“You with anyone?”

The fuck was that supposed to mean? 

“Why? Got a school football game ya wanna take me to? Wanna buy me food, and fuck me, and then tell the whole school ima faggot, when we both know damn well I ain’t the only one?” Jack surprised himself with his own confidence. Paul had always been a looming figure in his teenage years, threatening to expose him if their arrangement didn’t continue. Sixteen year old Jack was scared out of his mind, he’d known what would happen if he was outed. 

Paul’s laugh crackled through the phone again and it made Jack want to gouge his own eyes out.

“I’ll take that as a no.”

Jack scoffed, “yeah, actually, I am, so find someone else to suck yer dick.”

“Aw Jackie y’know it was more than that,” Paul cooed and it made Jack’s stomach turn, “‘member when I took you out to dinner, treated ya real nice that day. ‘Sides, no one would want you fer more than that anyway,” Jack could almost picture the self righteous smirk on the other end of the phone, “too clingy, too expectin’, it’s like havin’ a damn wife, which we are both know ain’t what you want—”

Jack tugged on the phone cord, contemplating whether or not to rip it right out, “You call me just to make yerself seem less queer?”

“Nah. I knew you were fuckin’ around with someone. Yer daddy told me ‘bout your friend Ennis Del Mar… asked me to talk some sense inta you, but I thought I’d have some fun first.”

Oh if only John knew. If he only knew that Paul was never Jack’s friend, he was his fuckbuddy who put on a smiley face and polite exterior when he was invited over for dinner, but after that he was right back to being the “dirty queer” Jack’s daddy saw his son as being.

“Y’know, when you told me he hit you, didn’t think it’d be fer a good reason, but I see it now. I’d do the same if it was my kid—”

Jack slammed the phone down before he heard any more shit from Paul’s mouth. He took a deep breath.

It’s only daddy. He’s jus’ tryna scare you. Ain’t nothin’ more.

Part of him tried his best to believe it. The other part was terrified of who’d call next. Paul certainly wasn’t the only one. How many more calls would they get? Would someone find their address? Who else was John telling? 

Jack was broken from his thoughts by Ennis’ voice calling from the kitchen.

“Jack? Who was it?” 

It was like all the words in his vocabulary evaporated into thin air. What was he supposed to say? That the guy he used to suck off every Wednesday at lunch called? Said to say hi? Jack knew Ennis would have an absolute fucking fit. But then Jolene’s words popped into his head.

You’re allowed to think about yourself, Jack… he’s a fuckin’ pain in the ass, but he’s a good listener.

“‘M not sure yer gonna like the answer, cowboy.”

Jack could practically see Ennis’ heart drop to his toes as he shifted on his feet, “…that don’t matter…” His voice was quiet and shaky. He was obviously thinking of the worst possible scenario, and Jack wasn’t quite sure if the truth was better or worse. 

Jack opened his mouth, closed, and opened it again, taking a deep breath. He’d have to explain everything. 

“Why don’t we sit down?”

They ended up on the couch facing each other, Ennis' knees drawn up to his chest and his hands fidgeting with a loose string on a pillow. Jack wiped his hands in his jeans, unsure of how to start, then figured it was best to reassure Ennis that his sister wasn’t dead in a ditch somewhere.

“Jo’s fine. She wasn’t the one callin’.”

Ennis visibly relaxed, though the pinched look on his face remained.

“It was a… friend from High School. Paul. Though I guess ‘friend’ ain’t really the right word,” Ennis seemed to be catching on and his eyebrows creased lightly, more in concern than anger. He’d known that Jack wasn’t a virgin when they first met. He remembered that conversation in the truck almost two months ago. Jack had been defensive, almost nervous about mentioning his previous experiences and maybe now Ennis would find out why.

“He— I was real lonely in school, had a few friends but we weren’t close. He asked if I wanted to go down to some tailgate ‘er something an’ ‘course I said yeah…” Jack chuckled a little, “I was so goddamn desperate,” he cemented his gaze on his hands, clasping and unclasping them, “he was so fuckin’ nice I had no idea—”

“What did he do?” Ennis tried his best to keep the anger out of his voice, he really did, but it didn’t seem to work.

Jack shrugged, “nothin’. Least not at that point. He would get a little closer than most ‘normal’ friends would. Touch me on the shoulder an’ thigh an’ shit.” Jack felt tears well in his eyes and he’d forgotten how much he’d pushed down these feelings when it’d happened. He’d been too busy getting his ass beat. Now, reliving those moments, all his self confidence seemed to fly out the window.

“Then after some Christmas party er somethin’ we were in my truck, and he jus’ grabbed me. I was scared shitless an’ drunk outta my mind but I still kissed ‘im back. He went…” Jack swallowed and let the tears spill, “too far. I told him to stop. Fuck I begged,” he wiped at his eyes, trying his best to continue through the shakiness in his voice, “he didn’t. So it kinda became a thing, I guess. I would do stuff, and he stayed friends with me. ‘Til he told the whole school I was a queer and never said a word to my sorry ass again. Until jus’ now o’ course.”

Ennis couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He was gonna find where that fucker lived, no doubt about it. God it made him feel even more shitty about the first few weeks on Brokeback. He’d been exactly the same as Paul, except the nice part, which was obviously worse. He opened his mouth to speak but Jack beat him to it.

“I— I liked the attention. I was too fuckin’…” 

too clingy, too expecting.

“I was too much. An’ I know I’m like that now sometimes too, and I’m real sorry cause I know how you feel ‘bout—” 

“What the hell are you talkin’ about?”

Jack’s eyes snapped up to meet Ennis’, whose were squinted in a confused frown.

“Jack, ain’t no such thing as too much with you,” if there was any one moment in their entire relationship that Jack needed to feel loved, this was it.

“What he did to you, god Jack I’m gonna kill that bastard, I swear,” Ennis let out a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding, “how’d he even get our number?”

“My daddy gave it to ‘im.”

John Twist was next on the kill list. He’d been first, but Paul was number one priority at the moment.

“Shit, I’m sorry darlin’. I’m really fuckin’ sorry,” Ennis ran a hand down his face and then settled his eyes on Jack’s fragile looking frame.

“Can I touch you?”

Jack nearly sobbed at how much he appreciated those four words. Consent had always been clear in their relationship, but in a moment like this, going the extra mile really meant a lot. He managed a croaky, “yeah,” and Ennis scooched forward to gather Jack in his arms, winding fingers through his hair.

“I always drank too much ‘round him. Dunno if it was cause I was nervous or I just couldn’t take it anymore,” Ennis wanted to cry. He’d always had suspicions about Jack’s alcohol intake. He seemed to have quite a low tolerance but still drank more than anyone should when just trying to enjoy themselves.

“I just wanted it to stop, but when I drank, I stopped feeling like that. I still hated it, but I didn't care as much. Guess I struggle with that sometimes. The drinkin’, I mean,” Jack couldn’t believe he was saying any of this. The slight drinking problem that he’d had in High School had been his safest kept secret. It was embarrassing for him to even think about. 

“It’s pathetic, really.”   

Ennis pulled back to fully look Jack in the eyes, “no it ain’t. It’s fuckin’ disgusting what he did to you, Jack. Ain’t yer fault that you dealt with it that way.”

Jack just nodded, letting his head fall forward into Ennis’ shoulder as he felt the sting of tears return. Ennis shushed him soothingly. 

“He don’t matter, alright? Hypocritical piece of shit…”

Jack couldn’t help it, he cracked a smile, “hypocritical? Damn boy, where ya learnin’ words like that?”

Ennis shrugged, “heard Jo talkin’ to K.E.”

Jack had to laugh at that, burying his head into Ennis’ neck to press a kiss there.

Ennis pulled back again, stroking the back of Jack’s neck with his thumb, “what happened to you wasn’t yer fault darlin’, okay?”

“‘Kay.”

“An’ we probably got paint all over the couch,” Ennis murmured as he pressed kisses along Jack’s jaw, “so I’ll get a bath runnin’ fer you an’ clean up the rest of this mess alright?”

Jack chuckled, “a bath? En, I ain’t five.”

Ennis stood up and shrugged, “don’t matter, bath’s a bath.”

Jack couldn’t wipe that million dollar grin off his face.

𐚁₊⊹

The next few days were quiet, if just a touch stressful. Ennis was set on getting some of the aspects of their ranch up and running, and had been calling a few ranches willing to negotiate prices on cattle. As soon as the negotiation part came around though, he handed the phone to Jack, who was much more confident in that area. Jack secured a few deals and Ennis made sure to let him know just how proud he was.

They’d decided to take the weekend off and just spend it together, which was difficult for the both of them, Ennis with his anxiousness around undone tasks and Jack with his inability to stay still and relax for more than five minutes. 

“Ennis, I love you, but I can’t sit around doin’ nothin’ fer the whole day,” Jack slumped on the couch, watching Ennis as he flipped through some ranch magazine. 

“Find somethin’ to do then…” he replied absentmindedly, squinting as he tried to read the tiny printed letters. Jacks was convinced the man needed glasses, but whenever he mentioned it Ennis just brushed him off. 

Jack grinned a little, scooching over to lay his head on Ennis’ shoulder. 

“Whatcha readin’?

Ennis squinted harder at the page, “No fuckin’ clue.”

Jack nudged him, “told ya you needed glasses. You can’t see shit, sweetheart.”

Ennis sighed and tossed the magazine onto the coffee table, then turning his head to press a kiss into Jack’s hair. 

“If ya weren’t so damn restless we could have a nap right about now…” Ennis murmured, leaning his head back against the couch and closing his eyes. 

Jack huffed, clearly getting more fidgety by the second, “we could take Tillie fer a walk.”

Tillie’s ears perked up and she whined from where she was laying beside the fireplace. 

“Too cold,” Ennis argued, keeping his eyes closed and wrapping an arm around Jack’s waist to pull him closer, “jus’ wanna stay here…” Jack smiled, giving Ennis a quick kiss on the cheek then reaching up to brush Ennis’ hair off his forehead.

“Yer cute.”

Ennis sucked in a breath, cracking an eyelid, “an’ yer hands are fuckin’ freezin’. Give ‘em here.”

Jack did as he was told and Ennis guided them both under his button up, hissing as they grazed his warm abdomen.

Jack chuckled a little, continuing to map out the plain of Ennis’ torso when he let go of his wrists. He felt every muscle, every freckle, every scar. He knew the man’s body by heart. Jack had touched, caressed, worshipped every inch. Ennis sighed, relaxing more into the couch and gazing up at Jack with pure contentment. 

“I love you, Jack Twist.”

Jack chuckled at the goofy smile on his face, “I love you too, Ennis Del Mar.”

𐚁₊⊹

They actually did end up having a nap, Ennis cradled on Jack’s chest while he listened to his heartbeat. It wasn’t until late evening that the two of them rolled out of bed to make some semblance of a meal. They settled on sandwiches and a beer each, choosing to sit back on the couch instead of their perfectly functioning dining table. They existed in comfortable silence, Jack getting up to grab more beers from the fridge when necessary, (necessary being very often). Ennis ended up absolutely pissed out of his mind drunk and Jack, who’d surprisingly drank a considerate amount less, was only a little buzzed. Jack being the sober one was rare, but he took the time to bask in the glory that was drunk, oversharing, Ennis Del Mar.  

Jack sucked in a breath when Ennis plunked his head onto his shoulder, reaching a hand to rub the man’s temple because there’s no way that didn’t hurt. Ennis seemed unfazed though, taking Jack’s hand in his and clasping their fingers together, then kissing it. 

“When we get married you should take my last name…” Ennis’ voice was almost a whisper and Jack wanted to cry with how soft it was. Ennis looked completely out of it. Like there wasn’t a thought behind his eyes besides Jack. 

“Mmm… I dunno,” Jack honestly didn’t know if he’d ever smiled wider, “I’m pretty attached to mine…”

“Don’t matter, we can do the fuckin’… two names thing.”

Jack laughed, idly fiddling with Ennis’ curls, “the two names thing. Sounds great.”

“Mhm…” 

Ennis yawned and his eyes fluttered shut, apparently deciding that sleeping on Jack’s shoulder was comfortable enough.

“You tired?”

“Mm.”

Jack pressed a kiss into Ennis’ hair, listening as his breaths became even. He felt, for probably the trillionth time since he’d met Ennis, unbearably happy. It wasn’t like the happiness he’d felt when he was finally able to leave home, it wasn’t like when he first became friends with Paul, it was raw. Pure. There was nothing at all similar, and there probably never would be. Goddamn was he lucky. Lucky to have Ennis, lucky to have Jolene and Thomas and Avery, lucky to be alive. Lucky to be queer and not dead and a borderline alcoholic without liver disease, at least that’s what his mama would say. 

Eventually Jack shook Ennis from his sleep and helped him stumble to the bedroom, not before stopping so Ennis could throw up in the kitchen sink. Once Ennis was safely tucked in bed and the mess in the sink was cleaned up, Jack got into bed as well.

“Love you, Jack. Darlin’…” Ennis mumbled into his pillow.

“Love you too, cowboy.”

𐚁₊⊹

Over the next few weeks things got busier around the ranch, repairs started on the barn, cattle was delivered, and morning chores became a regular, much to Jack’s displeasement. It was even more work due to the snow. He’d gotten into the habit of saying, “if I wanted ta sweat my ass off day in day out, I woulda stayed workin’ for my daddy.” 

It was good though, working together. It felt like they were back on Brokeback, except this time, they could be more free with their affection. 

Ennis’ birthday came in mid December, and Jack spent all day preparing, despite Ennis’ multiple protests. Neither of them had really had much for birthdays, and Jack definitely wanted to change that. Jolene called, rambling on about her pregnancy and how excited Thomas was, K.E’s call was more formal, at least until he put Avery on the phone.

“Uncle Ennis, uncle Ennis! It yer birthday!” His voice crackled through the speaker and Ennis cringed.

“Sure is,” his voice remained unexcited, contradicting the blushing smile Jack couldn’t stop staring at.

“I made ya a gift.”

Ennis felt himself crumbling with just how cute his nephew was, “oh yeah? Well maybe we’ll visit real soon and you can give it to me,” Avery squealed at that, and Jack laughed as Ennis yanked the phone away from his ear.

“Jackie too? Can Jackie come?”

“Mmm I dunno….” Ennis turned to see Jack frowning disapprovingly from where he was leaning against the kitchen counter.

“Please, please, please, please, please, uncle Ennis! Mama says it’s okay!”

“Aw alright then, you wanna talk to Jack?”

“Yes please!”

Jack gladly took the phone from Ennis, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek before pressing it to his ear.

“How’s it goin’, A?”

“Good! Ennis says yer gonna visit soon,” Avery’s voice was a little quieter, clearly trying to tone down his excitement. 

Jack chuckled, “we’ll sure try, bud. Miss ya tons,” the reality of that statement set in and Jack bit his lip. Hell, he’d only just met the kid a few weeks ago and he loved him like a son.

“Miss you too Jackie. Mama says that I can go see a rodeo real soon, with real bulls!” Jack listened as Avery rambled, not at all bored, and Ennis watched in awe. After a few minutes of intense rodeo talk Jack heard muffled voices and what sounded like a protest from Avery before he returned back to the phone, “daddy says I gotta go. Love you.”

“I Love you, A. Ennis does too.”

The phone clicked off and Jack set it back on the receiver, sighing.

“Well now we gotta drive all the way up to Wyoming ‘gain.”

Ennis sounded just a little exasperated, “Sure do.”

“We can split the drivin’”

Ennis scoffed, “Yeah? You always say that, rodeo.”

“I mean it this time,” Jack smirked, hands settling on Ennis’ hips, “I’ll take the bigger half.”

Ennis couldn’t help but smile, cupping Jack’s jaw with one hand, “yer a damn liar, Jack Twist,” his other hand reached to trace the scar on his temple, “but I love you.”

Jack giggled, “you always say that,” Ennis rolled his eyes, brushing Jack’s hair off his forehead.

“I mean it this time,” he leant down and kissed Jack’s forehead, then his cheek, then finally landing on his lips, “an’ every other time.”

Ennis remembered the morning after that first night on Brokeback. The shame, the disgust, the self loathing. None of that was present now. Not a fucking drop. He could feel the warm of Jack’s hands against the sliver of skin peeking through his shirt, rubbing a gentle thumb along it. 

Jack was flushed bright red, “Yer mighty sweet Ennis Del Mar.”

“You got that right.”

“An’ I’m so fuckin’ excited to grow old with you,” Jack’s voice got quieter, “never thought I’d get to.”

“Jack…”

“‘M bein’ honest, En. Shit, I’d either be dead in a ditch or rottin’ away in my mama’s attic without you,” Jack took a deep breath in, looking away, “I never… pictured myself gettin’ much older than twenty. Didn’t matter to be that much knowin’ my parents were too damn poor to put me through college, and I was scared shitless of anyone findin’ out what I was, my plan was jus’ to… let life happen I guess,” he shrugged, “if I was dead at nineteen then that was that. Din’t matter all that much,” he finally managed a small, reassuring smile and cupped Ennis’ face in his hands, “You made me realize that it does, Ennis. I can’t fuckin’ leave you sweetheart, an’ I never will.”

Ennis was speechless. 

Quite literally. 

Jack understood though, and pulled him into a tight hug, kissing the shell of his ear.

“Happy birthday, cowboy.”

Ennis stopped the tears welling in his eyes, “Little darlin’…”

“I know.”

And Jack did know. He always knew. A previous version of Ennis would feel exposed by someone knowing so much about him and exactly how his mind worked. But after all, it was Jack, so he couldn’t give two shits. Actually, he quite liked it. 

The two of them eventually separated, and the rest of the evening was spent having supper and playing cards. Jack’s gift was a pain of jeans and a rope bracelet made from the rope they’d used on Brokeback. Jack assured him that wearing a bracelet wasn’t queer, and even if it was, no one would care.  Jack couldn’t get over how domestic it was. No sheep, no other family, just them. 

“Mighty fine birthday you just thew me, Jack fuckin’ Twist…” Ennis mumbled hours later, mouth pressed against his neck as they lay, sweaty and spent with the covers at the end of the bed. 

“Sure was…”

“Jack?”

“Mm.”

“‘M really glad it’s you.”

Jack grinned into the dark, understanding every word because sure, Ennis had a roundabout way of saying things, but there was no other way he’d rather hear them. No other way he’d rather live. Tomorrow he’d wake up next to Ennis, and the day after that, and the day after that, and that was more than enough for Jack.

“Me too, sweetheart.”

Chapter Text

Christmas was a little bit of a mess. A wonderful mess, but a mess all the same. Jack and Ennis arrived on Christmas Eve, and Avery was over the moon with excitement, practically latching onto Jack as soon as he’d stepped foot in the door. 

“Jackieeeeeee!” He squealed, nearly tripping over himself with how fast he jumped up. 

“Slow down bud, gon’ give yer uncles a heart attack with how fast you’re movin’,” K.E warned, offering Ennis a wide grin when he met his eyes. Jack was already engaged in a deep conversation with Avery. Ennis pondered his brother’s words for a moment “yer uncles.” It was strange, but not in a bad way. 

“How ya holdin’ up, brother?”

Ennis sighed, and a blissful smile came to his face when he thought about the past few weeks. Things were, quite frankly, perfect. Jack was all he wanted and more, but that had already been established. At some point down the line he wanted to tell K.E about the ring he’d been carrying with him for a week and a half. It had cost him a fortune, and he’d had to lie and say it wasn’t meant to be a wedding ring, but it was worth it. Ennis didn’t want to propose just yet. They hadn’t been together all that long, and though he didn’t doubt his love for Jack, he wanted to be sure. Even if ninety nine point nine percent of him was fighting the urge to get down on one knee as soon as the opportunity arose. 

“Not bad. You?” 

K.E smiled a little, “better.”

Jolene, Thomas, and Nancy came rushing out of the kitchen, all three with glowing smiles on their faces. 

“You’re here!” Jo squealed, pulling Ennis into a tight hug and waving Jack, who now had Avery on his hip, over.

Thomas was bent down next to Tillie in an instant, giving her belly rubs and sneaking bits of meat from the kitchen while trying to train her to shake a paw. Nancy engaged in conversation with Jack about Avery’s new daycare, he was glad to hear that the boy had at least made one friend. 

Dinner was amazing, Jo and Tom had insisted they cooked, on account of “Keith and Nancy being so kind as to invite us into their home,” which was really just code for, “K.E and Nancy can’t cook for shit.”

After Avery reluctantly went to bed everyone put their presents under the tree, some labeled From: Santa for Avery, which made Ennis want to cry because their family never believed in the whole Santa thing. He remembered his daddy beating K.E for even suggesting such a “soft-hearted, girly idea.” They hadn’t even had a tree.

“Next Christmas y'all have a kid to spoil,” Jack joked, gesturing to Jo’s stomach. 

“Sure will,” Thomas beamed, “can’t fuckin’ wait.”

Nancy laughed, “it’s sure as hell hard not to spend our life savings on A. Surprised we could still pay our mortgage after his last birthday.”

K.E nodded, “sure enough.”

There was that pit in Jack’s stomach again. Knowing that he and Ennis would never have that. A kid of their own to spoil, that is. Sure, they had Avery, hell, Jack wasn’t sure if he could afford a loaf of bread after the shopping spree he and Ennis went on for the kid. But it wasn’t just about the gifts. Jack wanted to be called dad. He wanted to hear Ennis be called dad. He wanted to prove to his mama that he fucking made it. No thanks to his daddy. The apple can fall as far away from the tree as he goddamn wants it to. 

“Jack?” 

Ennis was staring at him with his overly-concerned squinty face, and that Jack snapped out of his thoughts.

“Mm?”

“‘M going to bed, you comin’?”

Jack looked around to see the other two couples sitting on the couch watching some sort of romantic Christmas movie that would probably make Ennis want to claw his eyes out, so he nodded and followed Ennis down the hall to one of the guest bedrooms.

As soon as the door shut Ennis was worrying. 

“Y’alright darlin’?” He was chewing a hangnail on one hand and had the other shoved deep into his pocket, seemingly clenched into a fist. It made Jack’s heart ache.

“I’m fine, En, really.”

“It’s Avery, ain’t it?”

“I—”

“I know you want that. I know you wanna be a dad, Jack, I know. But we can’t, y’know I hate to say it but it’s true. It ain’t fair to yourself to keep thinkin’ bout it,” Ennis looked almost surprised with how much he’d said at once, but continued anyway, “I love you, but we gotta move on, rodeo.”

Jack swallowed the lump in his throat, feeling the tears sting his eyes, “it’s hard.”

In seconds Jack was wrapped up in Ennis’ arms, “I know.” 

“I’m overreactin’,” Jack mumbled in Ennis’ shirt, “it ain’t a big deal.”

“If you feel like it is, then it is. You don’t have to prove anythin’ to me, darlin’,” Ennis kissed the top of Jack’s head, breathing deeply.

“‘Sposed to be merry an’ shit on Christmas,” Jack joked, “feel like I ruined it.”

Ennis shook his head, “it’s Christmas Eve, and ‘sides, don’t think I’ve ever been merry a day in my life.” 

Jack laughed, “ain’t that the truth.”

𐚁₊⊹

Avery ended up loving every single one of his gifts, except the knitted sweater he got from Nancy’s parents; he claimed it was too itchy. Jack and Ennis had bought him a massive tub of Lego, which now was strewn across both the kitchen and living room floor. Jolene and Thomas got Jack a new pair of boots, and a horse saddle for Ennis, since he’d been talking about wanting to get a couple once they’d settled in on the ranch. Ennis insisted it was too much, he didn’t even really like Christmas, it wasn’t a big deal—

“Ennis. Accept the gift. We only got you a card fer your birthday. ‘Sides, we all know daddy didn’t care much for gifts,” Jolene lay a hand on Ennis’ shoulder, “we’re makin’ up for it.”

K.E got Ennis a whittling knife and some wood blocks, and Jack got a pair of chaps, rodeo ones for sure, which Ennis didn’t seem too pleased about, but K.E was grinning from ear to ear.

Jolene and Tom got a ton of baby stuff from both Jack and Ennis and Nancy and K.E. Nancy got some painting supplies, and K.E a new watch. It was a quiet holiday. Besides Avery and Jack’s excited chattering.

That night, after building snowmen and Ennis getting a horrific bloody nose as payback for dumping snow down K.E’s jacket, the six of them (Avery had already gone to bed), sat in the living room, enjoying the hot chocolate Nancy prepared.

Except for Ennis, who had Kleenex shoved both of his nostrils and was fast asleep with his head on Jack’s thigh. 

“Huh. He really is knocked the fuck out,”’ K.E grinned, and Nancy smacked his shoulder lightly.

“You nearly broke the boy’s nose! Clearly he needs a rest…” 

“He filled my jacket with snow!”

“Yeah, Keithy, don’t really think getting a little snow in yer shirt deserves a punch in the nose,” Jolene chimed in, earning agreeing nods from Tom and Jack.

“C’mon! I punched Ennis loads when we were little!”

That statement was met with uncomfortable silence.

K.E cleared his throat awkwardly, “sorry.”

“There’s no need to apologize, K.E. It was a long time ago now. Everything’s different,” Jolene replied calmly, eyeing her sleeping younger brother with a look of motherly concern. Jack met her look with a soft smile and then returned his gaze back to Ennis, running fingers through his soft curls.

The sound of little footsteps entering the living room prompted everyone to turn their heads to see a dead tired Avery standing in the doorway.

“Jackie, do ya think uncle Ennis could come read me a story? Can’t sleep…” 

Jack gave Avery a sympathetic look, “I dunno bud, he’s pretty tired. Might have to wait till tomorrow night.”

“But that’s your last night!” Avery whined, quite loudly, loud enough for Ennis to stir in his sleep and crack an eyelid open.

“What’s goin’ on?” He mumbled, squinting and sitting up slightly to see Avery awake and a more than displeased look on his face. Jack could barely hold back his laugh at the state of Ennis’ hair and apparently neither could Jolene by the hand pressed over her mouth and the stifled giggling.

Avery didn’t laugh though, the pouty look on his face remained as he all but begged Ennis to put him back to sleep.

“Alright, but only if it’s okay with yer mama…” 

Nancy nodded in response, smiling sympathetically. Ennis was clearly dead tired, but he rubbed the sleep from his eyes, pressed a quick kiss to Jack’s cheek and followed Avery down the hall to his bedroom, not before taking the Kleenex out of his nose and throwing it in the kitchen garbage.

Ennis plopped down on the edge of Avery’s bed, yawning while Avery sat there expectantly, a serious look on his face.

“I don’t want a story.”

Ennis frowned a little, picking at a hangnail on his thumb, “why’d ya call me up here then, bud?”

“Didja ask Jackie ta marry you yet?”

That made Ennis laugh a little, not because the thought was at all funny or absurd, but because he really hadn’t thought Avery cared that much. 

“…No, I haven’t.”

Avery grumbled, “why not? I wan’ him to be my real uncle, not just pretend,” the look on Avery’s face was pure disappointment and it made Ennis heart ache, even though he was a touch confused. 

“Bud, jus’ cause we ain’t married don’t mean he ain’t yer real uncle. You can call Jack anything you want, he don’t mind,” Ennis had a nervous feeling in his stomach, not sure if he’d be as good at explaining things to Avery as Jack was.

“That’s not true,” Avery argued, crossing his little arms.

Ennis chewed at his hangnail, “who says?” 

“Kids at school. They said Jackie ain’t my real uncle. I think it’s ’cause you di’nt marry him yet…”

Now Ennis was one thousand percent sure that was not why the kids at Avery’s school claimed Jack wasn’t his real uncle, but he didn’t have the courage to explain homophobia like Jack had. 

“Right. Well, they ain’t the lawmakers are they?” Avery shook his head, “an’ do you see Jack as yer uncle?” Avery nodded, “then there ain’t a thing wrong with you callin’ him that,” Ennis shrugged, “they’re probably stuck up assholes anyway…” that got a giggle out of Avery and Ennis ruffled his hair.

“Get some sleep now, alright?”

“Mkay. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

𐚁₊⊹

Goodbyes were a little less difficult the second time around, (besides Tom crying about how much he’d miss Tillie) now that Ennis knew they’d probably be seeing K.E and his family more often than he’d originally thought. He and Jack were finally back at home and work was in full swing along with the new year.

Before Christmas they’d hired some younger farm hands with the money they’d made selling their chickens, eggs, and beef, and all three of the hands were diligent, respectable workers. The downside of having new people around was Ennis' anxiousness. Jack suggested he just tell the three boys about their relationship and if they had a problem with it they could leave, and Ennis actually did consider the offer, until the thought of that information being used against them at some point changed his mind. What if Oliver or Nathan or Lloyd spread it around town? They’d be chased out with pitchforks for sure.

It wasn’t until a heated make out session against the kitchen counter brought him to his senses and he got up the courage to be honest with the boys.

Jack had him pinned, his hands finding their way under Ennis' shirt and started to trace every curve of his torso, which pulled a louder-than-intentional whine from the man. Jack’s lips traced his jaw, leaving marks that Ennis would greatly regret later, but in the moment were the most precious things he’d ever received.

“Just tell ‘em En…” Jack whispered breathlessly, pausing to mouth at Ennis’ now exposed collarbone, “they’re scared shitless of you…”

Ennis bit his lip, trying to speak without letting any more embarrassing noises escape his mouth, “yeah? Tell ‘em what? That when they’re out, workin’ their asses off—” he swallowed a moan as Jack fiddled with his belt, “we’re in here, doin’ this?” 

Jack chuckled, “if that’s what it takes to get through to them, by all means, cowboy, go’on ahead,” he now had Ennis’ belt unbuckled and was smoothing his thumb just below the waistline of his jeans.

“Fuck, Jack.” 

Ennis was completely out of it, he would’ve done anything Jack told him to in the moment, no questions asked. 

“Please sweetheart, it’d mean a ton to me,” Jack took this opportunity to pull back a little, letting his hand remain halfway down Ennis’ pants. He smiled, then kissed Ennis sweetly, brushing his hair off of his forehead.

Now Ennis was not a stupid man, except for when Jack was around. Which was basically all of the time. So yeah, he was pretty fucking stupid.

Ennis let his head thunk somewhat painfully against the kitchen cabinet, “Fine. But I ain’t invitin’ them in fer coffee er anythin’.”

Jack’s smile widened into a million dollar grin and he slipped his hand out of Ennis’ waistband, “alright then, good luck baby.”

God that smile. 

Ennis was too stunned by the new endearment and how fucking gorgeous Jack looked in the late afternoon sunlight to realize what was actually going on.

Wait. 

“Now? You want me to go now? Look, darlin’ I dunno if that’s—”

Jack cut him off, already walking backwards towards the living room, “better now than later, Ennis.”  

So that’s how Ennis ended up freezing his ass off in a snowbank, waiting for the boys to finish shovelling in front of the barn so he could talk to them.

“Ain’t no rush,” he’d said, and the three of them looked absolutely dumbfounded because when has Ennis Del Mar, or Mr. Del Mar as they called him, discouraged rushing? Nine times out of ten he was yelling at them to be done quicker. 

When they were done Ennis was shaking not only from the cold, but the harsh nervousness that made him feel like he was going to throw up. 

“What’s goin’ on boss?” Oliver questioned, looking even more nervous than Ennis. He probably thought they were getting fired and lord, and Jack knew that he couldn’t afford to be out of a job. He had a younger sister that he was raising ever since his parents had died, a story much like Ennis’, which may have been the reason they gave him the job in the first place. 

Nathan and Lloyd stood there, shovels in hand, with confused expressions, they’d never seen their boss so scared looking.

“Jus’ something me an’ Jack thought you boys should know ‘bout… and uh— shit, dunno how to say this…” Ennis bit his lip, shoving his hands into his coat pockets. They were only three years younger. How bad could it be?

Before he could say any more Oliver jumped in, “are we gettin’ fired?” 

Ennis frowned, extremely confused and a little annoyed at being interrupted, “what? Fuck, no you ain’t getting fired. That ain’t what I came to tell you at all,” he almost laughed at how stupid it was. He and Jack couldn’t even afford to pay anyone else, “relax Ollie. Look like you’re gon’ shit yerself.”

That got a laugh from Nathan and Lloyd, and they started to poke fun before Ennis started speaking again.

“So… me an’ Jack. We ain’t jus’ business partners. Or friends. We ain’t cousins neither,” Ennis avoided the boys looks with fear of seeing disgusted expressions, “he’s— we’re…”

“Yeah, we fuckin’ guessed it, boss,” Lloyd replied, a small smile present on his freckled face, “ya’ll don’t hide it real well.”

Never in a million years had Ennis expected that.

“You— you could tell?” 

“Yeah,” Nathan agreed, “clocked it first time you interviewed me. Seen the way you look at ‘im, figured it’s none of my business though. What y’all do in yer own home,” it was with no malice or hatred that he said this, just pure honesty. It made the nervous feeling worse.

“We won’t tell anyone, promise,” Oliver added, just relieved that he still had a job.

Ennis let out a breath, “ok then,” he was at a loss for words, and couldn’t feel his fingers from how fucking cold it was outside, “thanks boys. Go on with what ya’ll were doin’…”

“Thanks Mr. Del Mar!” Ennis heard Oliver yell as he walked back in the direction of the house. He wasn’t quite sure how to feel. He was obviously relieved that they hadn’t cared, they still wanted to work for the both of them, but at the same time, they’d known. And if three teenagers knew, how long would it take for everyone else to find out? 

Jack was sitting on the couch, half asleep by the time Ennis got back inside and into the living room.

Jack opened one eye when he felt the couch dip beside him, “how’d it go, En?”

Ennis took a deep breath, “they knew.”

Jack raised an eyebrow, they knew?”

Ennis nodded.

Jack chuckled, closing his eyes again, “guess we gotta get better at hidin it then…”

“Guess so.”

𐚁₊⊹ 

Soon enough months passed and it was spring again. Spring meant calving and calving meant Ennis was stressed all the fucking time. They’d already had one stillborn, and we expected another based on how the mother was doing, which was terrible. Both Ennis and Jack had been through calving countless times as kids, but it was different doing it together. 

Ennis came in one afternoon after a particularly lengthy birth, though luckily both the mother and baby ended up being just fine. Tillie was having a fit, she could tell Ennis was aggravated and would not stop barking.

“Can’t keep doin’ this shit. Cows are too damn stressed, gonna end up with another dead calf soon enough…” he slapped his gloves down on the dining room table, then looked up to realize Jack was on the phone, deep in conversation with what sounded like a potential buyer. Let’s hope they ain’t heard that, Ennis thought, already feeling the worry curl in his stomach.

It was another ten minutes before Jack was able to get off the phone, but Ennis waited, catching Jack’s eyes at one point and giving him a weak smile. 

“Alright then, thanks a lot Walt… yeah, you too. Bye.”

Ennis wasted no time standing up from where he was seated at the dining table and wrapping Jack up in his arms, feeling the tension drain from his own body.

“Hey sweetheart, how’d yer day go?” Jack cradled Ennis’ face in his hands, smoothing the frown lines.

“Pretty fuckin’ terrible. Jus’ about lost another one. Me an’ Nathan were out there fer ‘round eight hours? Hadta pull her or she woulda been stuck,” he grimaced at the memory. The delivery part had not been easy, “what about you? You been on the phone all day?” Ennis didn’t like the idea of that. He knew Jack would rather be outside working than inside dealing with clients. Jack shrugged and Ennis frowned a little deeper, pulling a small chuckle from Jack.

“It was fine. Helped Lloyd with the fences, mucked out some stalls, borin’ shit, really.” 

“Mm. I love you, darlin’.”

Jack kissed Ennis sweetly, smiling into it.

“I love you too.”

“I ain’t ever gonna get tired o’ this.”

“Me neither.”

𐚁₊⊹

Months later, when the faintest tinge of orange touched the trees and it came time to wean the calves from their mothers, the kitchen phone rang. Ennis was fixing the windowsill above the sink and nearly jumped out of his skin at the shrillness of it, almost yanking the receiver out of the wall with how hard he answered it.

“Hello, Ennis Del Mar speakin’,” Ennis answered gruffly, still not quite having his customer service voice down.

But it ended up being no issue when he heard who it was on the other end.

“Ennis! Oh good god do I have news fer you!” Jolene’s cheery voice blasted into Ennis’ ear and he distanced himself a touch.

“What’s goin’ on?”

“I had the baby! Its a girl!”

All the words in the universe couldn’t describe how Ennis felt at hearing those words. Not even fuck or sonofabitch which were pretty important ones in his opinion. 

So he settled on, “Jesus christ Jo, that’s amazin’!” And, “holy shit!”

Jo giggled and sniffled a little, Ennis wondered if she was crying. Knowing Jo, definitely.

“Her name’s Charlotte, after Tom’s mama. Her middle name is Evelyn, after mom.” 

Charlotte Evelyn Del Mar Elliot

Honestly, it was enough to make even Ennis cry. 

Before he could respond Jack barged in through the back door with Lloyd and Oliver, ranting about some farm neighbor who kept forgetting to fix the latch on his barn doors and then calling Jack to find his horses when they went missing.

“Well fuck, send me out to get ‘em boss, got the time on my hands,” Lloyd shrugged, tugging at the fingers of his work gloves, “Ollie can come with, Nathan’s got stuff handled out back,” he shot Oliver a toothy grin and winked. The three of them seemed completely oblivious to Ennis standing frozen still in the middle of the kitchen.

Jack noticed soon enough though, and raised an eyebrow in Ennis’ direction, “who’s on the phone sweetheart?” 

Ennis couldn’t help but break out into a wide smile, “Jo had her baby.”

Oliver and Lloyd cheered, they’d heard more than a dozen times about Ennis’ sister and their bosses' excitement for her new baby. 

Jack stood there, slack jawed, until Ennis handed him the phone.

“Holy fuck, Jo!” Ennis smacked his arm like he hadn’t just cursed to high heaven in the exact same context. Jack threw him an over the top glare.

“It’s a girl, ain’t it? I hada feelin’. I know she is!” Jolene confirmed his suspicions and Jack pumped his fist, “hell yeah! Well congrats, ‘m sure Tom’s excited.”

“Named her Charlotte after Tom’s mama, Evelyn after ours, most over the moon I’ve ever seen ‘im, hasn’t stopped crying since I went into labor,” she giggled and Jack could hear Tom on the other end protest.

“That’s fan-fuckin’-tastic Jolene. I’m so happy fer y’all.”

“Me too. Y’all take care now.”

Jack nodded to himself, “you too, we’ll visit soon as possible. Love ya, Jo.”

“Love you guys too, stay safe.” 

Ennis mumbled a teary goodbye into the phone as Jack passed it to him and then hung up. 

Oliver was sat at the dining table while Lloyd leaned against it, making quiet conversation. Jack swore he could’ve seen Ollie blushing something awful, but he ignored it and sent the boys back to work, staying behind to talk to Ennis. 

“You alright, cowboy?” He smiled a little, rubbing a gentle hand over Ennis’ death grip on the counter.

“Yeah,” Ennis’ voice shook and he sniffled, clearly trying to hide his very much existent tears. 

Jack kissed his shoulder, “I gotta get back to work baby, you sure yer okay?”

“Yeah,” Ennis was more than okay. He was happier than he’d ever felt. Fuck, they had a house, workers who at this point, were more like their adoptive sons, a growing business, and his sister just gave birth to a baby girl. Things could quite literally not be more perfect. So why the fuck was he crying?

“It’s okay to cry, Ennis. Don’t always mean yer upset,” Jack murmured, taking Ennis’ tense hand in his own, “we got a real good life, don’t we?”

Ennis nodded, wiping at his eyes with his unoccupied hand, “more than I ever wanted, darlin’.”

“I know. Me too.” 

So the pair of them got back to work, and Ennis did eventually stop crying, but not after outright sobbing when Jack left through the back door. After everything, after meeting on a goddamn sheepherding job, they were together. Ennis couldn’t help but think about how it could’ve ended up, him counting down the days until he and Jack could meet again, if they ever did, never getting over his crippling fears, never reaching out to Jo or fixing things with K.E. And on top of that, he was still constantly looking for the right moment to propose. Yeah, his daddy would fucking hate him for his life now. But it was his life. And there was no way in hell anyone could convince him to spend it without Jack.