Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jay was in the kitchen cooking one of the meals from his meal book when Hank came home later that day. “Would it hurt to check your phone every once in a while?” Hank grumbled as he joined Jay. “None of them got any work done since your photos, then they got all upset and worried when you didn’t reply.” Jay just smiled awkwardly. “Sorry, I meant to reply but then I fell asleep and woke up hungry,” Jay explained. Hank seemed disappointed? Maybe because Jay wasn’t wearing his leg. “Umm, it’s in my room if you want to see it. I’m under strict orders to not wear it anymore,” Jay said after he noticed Hank staring at him, or rather his legs. “Why give you a leg if you can’t use it?” Hank didn’t get it. “Oh, it’s just because I already used it so much today. I had it on earlier. I can’t use it for more than two hours per day,” Jay explained. “For how long? Or do you need to, charge it or something?” Hank still didn’t get it. “It’s just temporary until I get in better shape. Hence the importance of these meals,” Jay continued. Hank finally nodded in understanding. He walked away, presumably to Jay’s room to take a look at the prosthetic. Jay would have followed but he didn’t want to burn the sauce. He might have even put it on for a few minutes to show Hank some of its features. It had an adjusting foot with all sorts of support systems, he’d tell him about them later. Although Hank probably remembered from reading the pamphlets with him. He’d tell him anyway. Hank came back after a while. “Can I help?” he asked. Jay stared for a moment before recovering. “Sure, if you want. There’s a salad recipe in the book, the page’s open,” Jay said. “You need a recipe for a salad?” Hank couldn’t help but ask. Jay only shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know, check it out.”

“Do you think they’d like it?” Jay suddenly asked as they were eating dinner. “What, your cooking?” Hank asked. When Jay didn’t respond, Hank took it as a yes. “They eat anything you put in front of them. But yes, they would like your cooking.” “Wait what? No. If I came by tomorrow,” Jay eventually replied. Oh. “As if you didn’t already know the answer. You saw their messages. You can ride with me, I’m starting at eight.” Alright then. That’s decided. “I can’t stay the whole day though. Two hours per day, remember?” Jay reminded the older man. “Even if you sit in my office until lunch?” Hank asked and Jay actually didn’t know the answer. “Maybe that’s fine. As long as someone can take me home around noon,” Jay settled on answering. “They all want to drive you back,” Hank reminded him. “Yeah, to see where you live. Kevin already snooped around when he was here yesterday.” Hank did not seem happy about that. “I’m driving you back myself.” Jay laughed at Hank’s displeasure. “Did you already do your stretches? The doc told Kevin to tell me to make sure you keep up with your schedule,” Hank changed the subject. Jay hadn’t. “Do them right after dinner then,” Hank ordered and Jay didn’t argue back. They ate in silence for a while. “How was it, walking again?” Hank eventually asked. He’d been wanting to ask for a while now but couldn’t find the right words. A fond smile spread on Jay’s face upon hearing Voight’s question. “I was in a dark place, as you know. Before. Thought my life was over or something. I felt alive today, for the first time since they took it. I know it’ll never be like it was but umm, you know, I’m hopeful now,” Jay answered truthfully. It felt odd to be that honest about feelings and emotions. Hank gave him a small huff as a reply. 

— —

The following morning was a blur to Jay. He was so nervous. Why did he keep thinking that going to the precinct was a good idea..? At least he’d get to see Trudy again. His unwavering supporter. But the reason for most of his anxiety was Hailey Upton. He knew she’d be there. Their last encounter was not pleasant for either of them, especially Jay. Could he just, show up at her workplace and pretend that they were okay? They were so far from okay as was physically and emotionally possible. He thought that maybe he should start giving her some space and leave her alone while she was just trying to do her job. He almost felt like the creepy ex-husband that couldn’t accept the divorce. But he wasn’t that guy. He had accepted it a long time ago. Did he still love her? Yes. Did he want what’s best for her? Also yes. Was he fully over her? … Ask him at a later date, ok? He’s working on it. 

And yet here he was, getting ready to leave for the precinct. Hank had been ready to leave for almost ten minutes now, but Jay was still in his room. He was fully dressed except for his pants and shoes. He held the stump liner in his hands, stared at the prosthetic leg before him. Suddenly he couldn’t put it on. He tried, several times. But each time the liner would feel off or the socket felt different or… something wasn’t right. Hank really needed to get going soon, so he knocked on Jay’s door. He didn’t answer. “Jay, you ready?” Hank’s voice sounded. Jay couldn’t answer. He opened his mouth to speak but no sound came out. He didn’t want to do this. They’d all be staring at him, asking a million questions, comparing him to who he used to be before Bolivia. He couldn’t go. Wouldn’t. He flinched violently when the door to his room creaked open. When did his breathing start getting so rapid? Hank’s mouth was moving but Jay couldn’t hear anything. Anything besides blood rushing through his ears. Hank stood in front of him now, knelt down. He was still speaking and Jay still couldn’t hear him. His hands shook and he didn’t feel so good. Jay closed his eyes. 

“- ar me? Jay? Can you hear me?” Jay blinked slowly and focused on Hank who was still kneeling in front of him. Wait, Jay actually heard him this time. He nodded his head. His breathing felt a lot calmer. His hands were steadier. “You back with me?” Hank asked. Jay nodded again. “Good, we need to leave now,” Hank replied and stood up. He didn’t seem impatient, more like he was trying to be encouraging. He wasn’t doing a very good job at it though.  Jay nodded, out of instinct more than anything. What the hell… a panic attack? Anxiety attack? Jay thought to himself as he grabbed the liner that had fallen to the floor at some point. Under Hank’s watchful eyes, Jay finally managed to put on the liner without feeling like his skin was burning. And suddenly the socket didn’t feel wrong either. Jay stood up and steadied himself against Hank who luckily was close enough. Hank only nodded, seemingly unphased. Jay rolled up the sleeve and looked at Hank with a small smile. Hank was the first person to see him with his leg, the first person he’d worked with that is. Hank gave him an approving pat on the arm. “That’s good, Halstead. You ready?” he really wasn’t good at comforting words. Jay took a couple of steps to test out how his prosthetic leg felt. Seemed good, like it had yesterday. Jay checked the pockets of his hoodie and found both sea glass shards in place. He grabbed his crutches just in case and nodded to Hank. Hank grunted as if to say ‘good, let’s go.’ and he left Jay’s room and held the front door open for Jay. “After you,” he said. One foot in front of the other. It’ll all be fine, Halstead. 

— —

Jay exited Hank’s car at the 21st. He was holding his crutches and considered leaving them in the car. But that was just a bad idea all around. “Here, I’ll carry those,” Hank saved him the trouble of figuring it out. “You want to walk in on your own, right? But don’t want to leave them here. So give them here.” Jay was thankful that he didn’t have to ask, he probably wouldn’t have. It meant a lot to him, being able to enter the building on his own two feet again. This was his foot now after all. “Thanks,” Jay simply said as he handed over the crutches. Hank started walking toward the main entrance. He often used the back door but today was a main entrance day. Hank glanced over his shoulder a couple of times. Jay was walking a few steps behind him. Jay’s sweatpants and shoes were able to hide his prosthetic almost completely. You could just barely make out the top part of the foot inside his sneaker before his pant leg hid the rest. Hank reached the door and held it open for him. “Go on, give Trudy one hell of a surprise. We didn’t tell her yesterday,” Hank said and Jay stopped. “Really? Wow,” was all he managed. Guess it’s showtime. Give them hell, Halstead. Jay took a step and entered the precinct. Two cops in the hall didn’t recognize him, good. He was able to reach Trudy’s desk without her noticing. He put his hands in his pockets and just stood there. It felt good. “Morning, Platt,” Jay tried to sound as casual as possible. The desk sergeant turned around at his voice. She stared, blinked, almost rubbed her eyes. “Chuckles? What are you doi-,” Platt started but stopped when a literal yelp escaped her lips. A few officers nearby turned to look, probably expecting danger. Jay slowly took his hands out of his pockets, just in case. Trudy walked around the desk and looked at Jay. “Look at you! Why didn’t you tell me?” she playfully shoved his shoulder. She seemed emotional, so unlike her. Jay gave her a wide smile. “Surprise, I guess,” he chuckled. A fitting nickname. Chuckles, Hank thought. He’d been hanging back and let the scene unfold on its own. He gave Jay a wave as he walked past him toward the bullpen. “Trudy, buzz him in once the two of you are done, will you?” he said as he disappeared into the stairs with Jay’s crutches. Jay gave Trudy a small rundown of how his doctors had surprised him with his permanent leg - even if the socket wasn’t the final one. Jay, mindful of his limited ‘leg time’ started walking towards the elevator. He hadn’t tried to walk that many stairs yet and he didn’t want to risk tripping. Trudy used her keycard to let Jay in the elevator. He stepped in and was glad to realize he had it to himself. A short moment to catch his breath and prepare for the team. The elevator stopped with a ding and the doors slid open. 

Everyone was waiting for him. Really. They must have put two and two together when Voight walked in with his crutches. Jay was barely out of the elevator when Kim slammed into him and hugged him. Kevin and Adam joined suit and together the four of them were in a group hug. Jay was able to look further to the bullpen. Upton and Torres weren’t there. “Let him breathe!” Hank quipped from his office. He was leaning against the doorframe as he often does and observed the team. After some quick laughs, the detectives let go of Jay. Everyone wanted to congratulate and question him at the same time, so Jay had to raise his hands to get them to listen. “Can I at least take a seat before you interview me?” he rubbed his neck and smiled. Now everyone wanted Jay to sit at their desk. Jay got ready to take a step and start walking; the team stood back and watched in awe as he took his first steps in front of them. Cheers and claps erupted at the sight. Jay ducked his head, cheeks red as he walked to Kevin’s desk, all by himself. He didn’t want to sit down just yet, but he acknowledged that he probably shouldn’t fully stand either so he leaned against the desk instead. That way most of his weight wasn’t on his legs. 

The team - minus Torres and Upton - spent the next half an hour gushing over Jay and his new leg. They talked, laughed, maybe even cried a little. Adam eventually asked if he could show them the leg. It was the moment Jay had been most worried about. He knew that they wouldn’t be mean or anything, it was only natural to be interested. He nodded yes to Adam and raised his leg to reach the end of the pant leg. He was wearing loose fitting sweatpants as usual, so it was easy to pull the pant leg up just past his knee. All three of his former teammates leaned in to take a better look. Jay waited, anxious, nervous. For them to comment on it, approve it. “Robocop,” Voight suddenly called out. Everyone was startled, not just Jay. “I remember thinking a few days ago now that if Halstead ever rejoined the department then he’d be Robocop.” Everyone stayed silent and turned to Jay to see how they were supposed to react. Jay had a pained smile on his face. “I doubt they’d let me come back like this. You know, a reliability and a safety concern,” Jay mumbled his response. “You’d be the most badass cop in the city though. Literal Robocop,” Adam said under his breath but loud enough that everyone but Voight heard it. Jay chuckled and Kim smacked Adam’s arm. Kevin was thoughtful. “Wait. You sound like you want to come back,” he wondered out loud. Jay shrugged. Kim sensed it wasn’t a topic Jay wanted to focus on. “I think it looks good. Your leg I mean,” she said before any of the men could ask Jay more about work. Jay gave her a thankful smile. Kevin and Adam took the hint and gave a few rushed compliments as well. Jay sighed in relief. They weren’t mean or insensitive. All was well. “Can you like, do most things with the leg on? You didn’t take the stairs,” Kevin asked after a while. Jay’s eyes sparkled up. “Like I said earlier, this one can do almost anything. The docs still need to collect some more data so they can program it even further to match my umm, style of walking I think? I haven’t downloaded the app yet to see what I can program myself,” Jay explained, he sounded so excited and proud. For good reason. They attempted to ask Jay more about the programming and personalization but Jay didn’t know the stuff behind the tech. I wish Mouse was here… he’d know, Jay thought. 

“Alright, guys. We have a scene to check out. Vest up, we leave in 15. Halstead, my office,” Voight eventually called out. Nostalgia washed over Jay. How many times had he been called to sarge’s office over the years? It made something within him ache. Kevin had hit a nerve when he asked him about wanting to return to work. Of course he wanted to. But what good would admitting that do? Jay left the pant leg on his left side up as he’d rolled and folded it nicely into place earlier. He went over to Voight’s office. “Yeah, sarge?” he said out of habit. Hank motioned for him to close the door. Jay decided to stay standing. “Torres and Upton were running something together, we’re going to stop by and check it out. You can wait here in my office or go sit with Trudy.” Jay considered the options. Doctor Garcia’s words rang through his mind. “Here’s fine. Will you be gone for long?” Jay replied and already headed to the couch. “Two hours, maybe. We’re bringing lunch. You want to eat with us?” Voight asked, more out of politeness than anything. They’d bring him lunch anyway. “Umm, sure. I guess. Can you select something for me? You’re the only one who even vaguely knows my meal plan,” Jay requested quietly. He hated having to rely on everyone this much. Even such a small thing like picking out a meal for him seemed like a huge ask. He just wanted things to be the way they were. With Jay being independent and self-sufficient. Voight simply nodded to Jay’s request and made his way out of the office and toward the rest of the team. Jay watched from Voight’s office as they quickly went through the case and what they knew so far, and what to expect at the scene. As they were getting ready to leave, each member turned to Jay and waved him goodbye. Jay slowly waved back. He wanted so badly to run after them, ask if he could come with them, even just to sit in the car. But he didn’t. He had to let go. It wouldn’t do him any good if he kept on wallowing in the past. I don’t think I should come back here again. It’s just not worth the heartache, Jay thought once the team had vanished from view. 

— —

Hailey was beat. She and Torres had been surveying a suspect in the double homicide from last week since five this morning. It had been mostly uneventful, and for some reason Torres kept trying to talk about Halstead. She was so tired of being reminded of him so often lately. So she might have snapped at Torres a little too harshly.  But that’s what you get for being a dumb idiot who can’t take no for an answer. Her patience was already short from yesterday, when  Halstead apparently had his first steps with a prosthetic leg. She was happy for him, she really was. She just wanted  Halstead to exist somewhere outside Hailey’s little bubble. She’d left to do inventory when the team kept rewatching one of the videos he’d sent. And today, with Torres being an unhelpful idiot, Hailey had eventually called Voight to ask if they could stop by and relieve her. She’d been vague about her reasons, Voight lived with Halstead for fuck’s sake, he wouldn’t understand her side even if she tried. But luckily Hank didn’t question her at all, he seemed a little too eager to come over. I swear if he brings Halstead with him… she thought as the team’s cars pulled up. She and Torres exited the surveillance car and approached them. They stood in a semicircle and Voight started speaking. “Okay listen. Based on what we know so far, we can go ahead and snatch this guy. Upton, you’re free to go. Get started with your report, we’ll deal with this here.” She didn’t need to be told twice. She hopped in one of the cars and drove off. 

— —

Jay had gotten bored in Voight’s office after 20 minutes. He’d been a good patient and took off his prosthetic after the team had left, but now it’d been a while. He put away his phone and busied himself with putting on the prosthetic again. By now Jay was efficient enough and managed it quite fast. Maybe one day it would feel like simply putting on your shoe. Regular, no biggie. He took a test step and was satisfied with how it felt. Maybe I’ll go see Trudy, she’d like that, Jay thought and opened the office door. He took a couple of steps forward but stopped in his tracks. Hailey. She was just walking up the stairs and hadn’t noticed him yet. What should he do, try and hide? No, don’t be weird. He decided to stay put and follow her lead. She eventually noticed him and their eyes locked. “Halstead,” she let out a gasp. Hailey hadn’t personally seen the photos of videos yesterday, Jay didn’t send her any and she hadn’t asked the team to show. So while she knew that Halstead had tried on a prosthetic, she actually had no idea that he had gotten one to keep and wear. But here he was, standing in front of her on his own two feet. For a while she thought she was dreaming, Jay’s pants covered the fake leg almost completely, so it felt like Jay never lost a leg in the first place. “Umm, hi Hailey,” Jay replied with uncertain words. She didn’t do anything, just stared. “You alright? Where’s the rest of the team?” Jay asked and took a few steps closer but Hailey stumbled back. “You... you’re walking,” she managed to stutter out. Jay stopped and smiled awkwardly. Then he noticed the almost distraught look on her face. “Do you umm, need me to leave?” Jay asked carefully. He didn’t know why but his presence was clearly upsetting her deeply. She nodded her head and stormed past him. Jay thought he saw tears in her eyes but he wasn’t sure. Jay looked back toward the office. His crutches were there but he didn’t want to disturb Hailey any more than he already had. So he decided to use the stairs and leave her alone. It was slow going and he stayed close to the wall the entire time but he managed to make it downstairs without tripping. The leg was so smooth under each step, he couldn’t believe it. It was as it stabilized him every time he took a step down, and braced him when the foot touched the step. He noticed Trudy was just about to leave for her lunch break so he quickly caught up with her. “Umm, Trudy. I need a ride back to Voight’s. Could you..?” Jay started but couldn’t finish as Trudy stopped him. “Come on, let’s go,” she said immediately, no questions asked. Jay smiled at her and gave her a quiet “thanks”. They promptly exited the building, she seemed to sense that Jay was in a rush, and soon they were exiting the parking lot.

Trudy gave him a quick look. “Upton scare you off?” she asked. Jay shook his head. “Umm, I think I scared her? I’m not sure. She might have been crying when I left,” Jay explained quietly, holding his head low in shame. He’d done exactly the opposite of what he wanted to do for Hailey. He wanted to make her comfortable, respect her workplace and it all backfired massively. “What do you mean she was crying? What did you say?” Trudy asked in disbelief. Hailey wasn’t one to cry over small things, she held her emotions in check while working. “I barely said anything! Just stood there and was on my way to see you,” Jay was confused. He really had no idea why she was so upset. “Maybe it had something to do with the case, I don’t know. She seemed really upset, I asked if she wanted me to leave and she nodded, stormed past me crying. So I left.” Trudy was puzzled, she didn’t understand either. “Do we need to stop somewhere to buy lunch?” Trudy eventually asked. Jay shook his head. They drove the rest of the way in silence. 

— —

Hailey stood alone in the restroom. She’d splashed cold water on her face to wash away the tears. She wished it would wash away her emotions too. God, Halstead was unbelievable. How was he still able to mess with her like that? She didn’t care about him anymore. She shouldn’t be behaving like this. Unless… NO! They were over. No second chances. Hailey opened her hair and tied it again in an attempt to make herself presentable to the team, they should be here any minute if they weren’t already. She sighed in frustration, she hadn’t even been able to think about the report. Voight was going to be disappointed. She dried her face and returned to the bullpen. The team wasn’t there yet. Good. She quickly sat by her desk and opened her computer to at least look like she was working on the report. She stared at the blank program in front of her but all she could think about was him. That’s it. We need to talk. This can’t go on forever. She managed to add the date and title to the report before her team started returning. Kim and Adam had bags of food with them, Dante and Kevin escorted their murder suspect to the holding area. Voight returned last and went straight to his office. He turned around after he realized it was empty. “Upton, where’s Jay?” he asked. She… wasn’t sure how to answer. “He left. About ten minutes ago.” “Left where?” Hank demanded. “Home? I don’t know I’m not his babysitter anymore,” she scoffed back. Voight walked over to her desk and crossed his arms. “What happened?” The rest of the team had their attention on them. “Nothing. He just stood there, we said hi and then he left.” Hank wasn’t buying it. “And he left his crutches here? Don’t lie to me. What happened?” he asked again. Hailey held her head high and didn’t crumble under Hank’s demanding stare. “I told you. We spoke. He left.” Hank stared at her a bit longer until he grumbled and retreated back to his office. “What was that about?” Kim asked. “Nothing. What’s for lunch, I’m starving,” Hailey replied quickly. Adam and Kim shared a doubtful look but they were too hungry to press for more details. For now…

— —

“Did you make this?” Trudy was impressed. She’d taken one bite of the meal in front of her, closed her eyes and almost moaned. It tasted heavenly, like from a restaurant. Jay’s cheeks turned red from the compliment. “I umm, only followed instructions. It’s from my meal plan book, good nutritional value and umm, helps build muscle and gain weight. So I can’t take the credit for it,” Jay and we with a shy smile. He actually liked to cook. He just didn’t have time to make advanced meals before. That would make for a good hobby now. “I had no idea you could do more than reheat meals in the microwave,” Trudy quipped. Jay only shook his head as a reply. He was feeling better already, the car ride had been tense and Jay had started wallowing in his own feelings. But Trudy’s company made everything better. “So, you ready tell me what happened?” Trudy asked. Sigh. She just had to go and ruin it. “I already told you. I wanted to see you, ran into her, she was crying and wanted me to leave,” Jay replied with a tense voice. “And I’m not buying it. There has to be more. What exactly happened?” Trudy demanded. Jay let out a frustrated breath. “I told you! I stood there, she saw me, I walked toward her, she got upset so I stopped walking. She didn’t say anything so I left after she nodded when I asked if she wanted me gone. There, that’s literally everything,” Jay finished and placed his fork down. His appetite was quickly vanishing. “She backed away when you approached her..? Did she know you’d be at the precinct?” Trudy questioned. Jay thought about it. “I don’t know? I wanted to surprise the team so I didn’t tell them beforehand. But she was on a case with Torres in the morning. I assumed that someone would have told her when they met up at the scene. But maybe they didn’t umm, maybe she didn’t know,” Jay concluded. His heart ached. He wanted to do one nice thing for his team, just one thing and it was all a disaster. “So you caught her off guard. Stood in the middle of the bullpen, barely said a word to her. Oh boy, no wonder she was upset,” Trudy said and Jay raised his brows. “But I didn’t do anything! How is it my fault?” He questioned. “Jay, think about it for a second! You were gone.  For over a year. Upton probably dreamed you came back several times. But you didn’t. She moved on. You come back missing a leg. And then she finds you at the precinct and suddenly you have two legs again. Think, Halstead, think!” Jay ducked his head in shame. Of course. It all makes sense. “Oh,” Jay managed. “Yeah, oh,” Trudy repeated sarcastically. “Listen. Don’t beat yourself up over it too much. You had good intentions. You just have a lot going on,” Trudy’s attempt at comfort was mostly unsuccessful but Jay appreciated the gesture anyway. “Thanks, Trudy,” Jay said and picked up his fork to finish his meal. 

Trudy had to leave soon after lunch as she was still on the clock. She did ask Jay about half a dozen times if he was okay or if he needed some company. Jay assured that he was good, and eventually Trudy believed her. Jay watched her leave. As soon as the front door closed, Jay hurried to his room. He was exhausted, overwhelmed and just needed a break from it all. He remembered how his doctor had prescribed him some low dosage sleep medication. He fetched the bottle and sat down on his bed, held it in his hands. The twisted the bottle between his fingers. For a split second, he considered ignoring the label and just taking a handful. But the thought was gone just as fast as it had appeared. No. He wouldn’t. He placed the bottle on his nightstand without ever opening it. He went through the process of taking off his leg. He inspected his stump after he had removed the liner. The skin was maybe slightly irritated but not terribly so. He had been wearing it a little too long today but he thought he was in the clear for now. I’ll do less tomorrow, Jay promised himself. Jay slipped under the covers and dozed off.