Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Keith wakes up in the paladin lounge, having cried himself to sleep at the injustice of it. A universe where Shiro loves Keith, and there isn't a Keith to love.

He resolutely doesn't allow his mind to wander down the path of just staying here. Staying in this universe, where a version of Keith is loved, even if it isn't exactly him.

During the night, someone—he thinks it was Allura but he's not sure—draped a blanket over him and tucked a pillow under his head. Now there's a cup of coffee and some kind of pastry waiting for him on the table.

It's just...unfamiliar in the worst way, at this point. Years ago, during the war and while they still had the Castleship, this might have happened. They seemed to care about each other more. But Keith has been on his own now for decaphoebs, just him and Kosmo, and Kosmo doesn't have the opposable thumbs to bring him breakfast. It pulls at him, that his own life could have been like this were it not for some different choice. Maybe something as simple as turning left instead of right.

Pidge wanders in halfway through Keith's cup of coffee and just sits with him on the couch, leaning her weight against him like a cat.

"Where's Shiro?" Keith forces himself to ask. He hasn't seen him since yesterday, and the absence hurts like a physical thing.

"He's out looking," Pidge says. "He gave up the captaincy of the Atlas so he could spend all his time out in space, searching. He's been doing it everyday for the past three decaphoebs."

"What happened?" Keith isn't sure he wants to know, really, but he needs to.

"He just disappeared, one day. No explanation, no clues, nothing. We have his Marmora Knife, though."

It seems like there's something she isn't saying, and then it occurs to Keith that the knife is tied to his quintessence, his life force.

"Is it..."

"It's dark," Pidge says.

"Does Shiro know that?"

"Yeah, he knows what it means. Kolivan has tried to tell him to give up for ages. He won't. He's committed, that's for sure. You two were... I mean, he and our Keith. They got on my nerves sometimes, being so sappy, I walked in on them having sex in the kitchen once for god's sake, but they also just. They loved each other so much. I don't know how to get Shiro to stop."

"He won't," Keith says. It's maybe overstepping—this isn't his Shiro, after all—but he knows that much. "It's just like when I wouldn't stop looking for him after that fight with Zarkon."

"Which fight with Zarkon?" Pidge asks with narrowed eyes. "Did your Shiro disappear?"

"Yours didn't?" The break must have been earlier than he expected.

"Nope. Tell me about it."

"It was... kind of the same, I guess. We launched a massive attack on Zarkon, it was the first time we worked with the Blade of Marmora. We won, we dealt a major blow to Zarkon and the Empire, but after the fight Shiro was just, gone. I found out years later that he had died and his consciousness was stuck in the Black Lion, but until I thought I'd found him, I didn't give up searching. Drove Allura mad."

"Shit," Pidge says with feeling. "Your Shiro died?"

"It ended up being fine, Allura did some Altean magic and put his soul into the body of his clone."

"Of course she did. Well, I think I know the battle you're talking about, but we didn't lose Shiro. I wonder what the difference was."

Was that it? Was that the major breaking point? If Shiro hadn't disappeared, Keith wouldn't have been forced to become the Black Paladin against his will, wouldn't have run off to the Blade of Marmora, wouldn't have had to fight Shiro's clone to the death. Would that have placed Keith on the right path, or had there been something else?

"There's no use thinking about it," Pidge said, nudging him. "The difference, I mean. What's done is done."

"Easy for you to say," Keith grumbles.

"It really isn't," Pidge says. "Our Keith is dead, remember?"'

Oh. Right. Insert-foot-in-mouth now.

The parallels are too obvious to ignore, though.

"He's not stuck inside the Lions, is he? Did you check?"

"Keith disappeared after we sacrificed the Lions to save the fabric of reality," Pidge says matter-of-factly.

"Is that why Allura..." He doesn't finish the sentence, but Pidge sees through him anyway.

"Your Allura sacrificed herself? Was it still the whole fabric of reality thing?"

"Yeah, yeah," Keith says, "Haggar trying to find Lotor and all that."

So much was different. Could they have done that and saved Allura, or had something prevented them? Why hadn't they even considered another alternative? Allura had offered, and they'd just....gone ahead with it.

"I told you not to think about it," Pidge says, but Keith can't help it.

What could he have done to have this universe, instead? A loving relationship with Shiro, Allura safe and sound. It wasn't fair.

He doesn't see Shiro for the rest of the day, either, but Pidge, Hunk, Allura, and Lance stick to him like a particularly anxious pack of yelmors. Like they're afraid Keith will disappear if they look away from him for too long.

It's a legitimate fear. Keith has no idea how he ended up in this reality, so it's entirely possible that he'll just pop back to his own without warning.

The thought makes a sharp bubble of fear rise up in his chest.

Hunk keeps them fed, and Lance and Allura keep them entertained with games and stories, but everyone feels subdued. He's a replacement for them, and they're a replacement for him. It won't last.

Will it?

When Keith wakes up again, alone in the lounge in the middle of the night, he formulates a plan.

It is not a good plan, nor a smart plan, but no one has ever accused Keith of making good decisions, especially when he's stressed and on edge.

It helps, that the corridors of the Atlas line up and take him exactly where he wants to go, and he finds himself staring at a door that immediately swooshes open for him.

"Shiro?" Keith whispers, voice loud in the stillness.

"Hmm?"

"I know this is a horrible idea, and you can say no, but I was wondering..." Keith trails off, unable to finish the request.

But Shiro knows him, understands him even if Keith isn't his, and lifts up the blankets for him.

The relief of it is almost painful. Keith burrows into the opposite side of the bed, resolving to stay there. The bed is huge. There is plenty of room for them both without needing to get closer.

This is enough. This is more than he's ever had with his own universe's Shiro.

He wakes up alone.

It's still the best sleep he's gotten in ages.