Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I.

“We should just go our separate ways”, suggested Sam finally, when three weeks have passed and they haven’t found one single useful information about the purgatory. Nick had been waiting for a suggestion like that for a couple of days now. He had noticed the signs of resignation appearing on Sam’s face more and more often, his focus getting lost and his research into the books getting sloppy, as if Sam lost faith that he could actually find a clue.

“I could leave if you think that’s for the best.”, began Nick carefully, meeting Sam’s eyes above the pages of yet another very mystical book in a yet another exceptionally antique library. He sighed, not hiding sadness welling up in his chest. “But I don’t think the solitude will bring you the relief you are looking for.”

Sam avoided his gaze and combed hair with his fingers. Nick noticed resignation painted on his face.

“Only finding the way out of the purgatory will bring me the relief.”, replied Sam stiffly. “But what I’m looking for doesn’t matter anymore. It’s pointless. It’s time to leave those books, leave the library. You should go and live your life.”, prompted him Sam, even though his tone of voice betrayed that he didn’t have similar plans for himself.

Nick slowly closed the book he had been reading, as if giving himself the time to come up with a proper response. Finally his lips twitched in a grotesque caricature of a smile.

“Sam, I don’t have a life”, he reminded, but didn’t stop there, seeing that Sam was getting ready to protest to this statement. “Except…”, Nick hesitated, because his thoughts on the matter were surprisingly clear, but the thought of wording them out loud made him uneasy.

“Except…?”, prompted him Sam, but he obviously sensed Nick’s feelings, because his tone became quieter and more gentle, as if trying to be inviting. Nick still wasn’t sure it was the best time, but he found himself backed in a corner with the conversation.

“Except from you.”, he breathed finally, suddenly avoiding Sam’s gaze, but not because he felt embarrassed. He just got lost in his own thoughts about Sam’s possible reaction and the rapid inhale of breath he heard from the other side of the table didn’t really boost his courage to look up. “You are the only one I have left.”, he decided to add after a couple of long seconds.

He also refrained from pointing out that the last statement could apply both ways.

Finally Sam gathered up the thoughts to reply. His voice sounded as if he tried to stay calm, but firm at the same time,  but he had trouble getting it under control.

“You can’t build your whole life around me.” It was meant to be more categorical, but came out sad with threads of resignation penetrating out of it.

“Why not?”, challenged him Nick, even though his voice wasn’t defiant, but rather curious. Nick knew the possible answers Sam may give, thought about them before, but still wondered which one the other man would actually pick. Either way, Nick was no longer confused in his views. He could stand his ground and with time more and more personality became revealed from the depths of his amnesia consumed mind.  Sam began to notice that when he wanted, Nick could be exceptionally stubborn. This was one of the situations when he recognized that Nick’s stubbornness was coming to the surface and that the man has some particular goal in his mind for this conversation.

“Because you deserve better”, Sam replied finally. “You deserve to have a life and you won’t get that around me.”, he clarified after a moment’s thought.

“And that is because?”, prompted him Nick to continue and Sam knew right then that it was some kind of an elaborate scheme designed to check-mate him into this corner, but somehow instead of fighting it as he normally would, Sam got curious about what Nick got in store for him.

“Just look at me, Nick.”, began Sam, and even though he was consciously stepping into Nick’s trap, he meant every single word he was saying. “I lost everything. I don’t even know which way to turn. I can hunt, but without Dean I’m just a guy who started the Apocalypse. I can drive, but without Dean the Impala is not my home. I can do research, but without Dean there is nothing I have to look for. I am nothing without him. And there is nothing for you to stay for.”

Nick might have expected the answer like that, but it still hurt him to the core. Not the words itself, but the fact that Sam genuinely seemed to think so low of himself. It was actually surprising that he got Sam to admit those feelings out loud, because what Sam thought and what Sam showed didn’t usually match. Nick noticed that even when being on the verge of depression, Sam could still carry on, putting on a brave face of a determined and fearless hunter he was.

“Right here? Right now? Yeah, I agree. There is nothing for me to stay for.”, Nick admitted casually, conveniently ignoring the first part of Sam’s response. “That’s why something needs to change. We need to change something.”, corrected himself Nick in the middle of the thought. “You are right, let’s take a break from the books. We have to take our minds off the purgatory for a while.”

“I gather that you have something specific in mind?”, asked Sam, strangely pleased that their conversation went off from the previous path, even though he was the one who brought it up.  

“Actually, I do. I think there is a case waiting for us in Kermit, Texas.”

Nick dropped newspaper on the table right in front of Sam, just as if he had it with him all along.

II.

When Sam thought about it two months later, it occurred to him that it was the conversation that began changing their relationship. Or maybe the only thing that actually changed was that Sam started paying attention to Nick in the ways he hasn’t before.

All in all, Sam decided much later, the kiss shouldn’t have come to him as a surprise. But it did.

They went to Kermit, dealt with the haunted house, and as they were leaving, Sam hit an Australian Shepherd with the side of his car. Both of them jumped out of the vehicle and run frantically towards the injured animal. After making sure the dog was still alive, Sam took off his jacket and used it to carry Shepherd into the Impala, whereas Nick looked for the nearest animal clinic on his phone.

In the clinic they met a fierce but beautiful veterinarian that basically guilt-talked them into keeping the dog. And the dog needed some time to fully recover, which was one of the reasons Nick suggested that they stay. Or maybe Nick had something like that in mind even before, Sam would never know for sure.

“Well, Mrs Cheguerra would rent us that house for a low price”, added Sam, considering the proposal and bearing in mind the owner of the haunted place. She even verbalized her concerns that nobody would want to rent that from her now that it was known to be haunted.

“Yes, she would.”, admitted Nick. “So the only real question is: do we want to stay or not?” And his tone of voice spoke clearly that Nick had already decided for himself and just prompted Sam to make the decision himself.

“We could try.”, conceded Sam eventually. “But I need to warn you that trying to build a normal life has never ended well for me.”

In reply, Nick just glanced at Sam with a wicked smile and shrugged his shoulders.

“Well, nobody said it has to be completely normal, Sam.”

III.

Many things stayed the same. They kept hunting things and saving people. They also kept looking for information about the purgatory, read books, asked around, found many leads and met even more dead ends. The usual.

But also many other things changed. They stayed at one place, in Kermit. They lived in an actual house with garden and neighbors, instead of Impala. But even the Impala had a house of its own, as Nick observed looking at the garage next to the house. Apart from that, they also worked on a semi-regular basis, Sam as a mechanic in a nearby motel and Nick as a bartender in a local bar. They sometimes missed the working hours because of some monster of the week, but it didn’t happen all too often. At least not so often that they wouldn’t be able to explain their absence with a sudden flu or a cold.

Amelia wasn’t their neighbor, but she lived in the motel Sam worked in, so she somehow made her way into their lives. At first she seemed distant and distrustful, but seeing the dog – Riot – recovered, well-fed, groomed and overall really happy slowly changer her attitude. Soon she became their frequent guest, at first coming to check Riot’s health and later just to drink coffee in their company and sometimes exchange book reviews.

Sam has always been a bookworm, and even if this habit died down during the Apocalypse and other supernatural big bad’s, he promptly returned to reading at least one book per week as soon as he found the time. Also, it turned out that the Supernatural series was just the beginning for Nick, because soon their house got filled with tones of titles, many of which were just pure classics. Lord of The Rings, Harry Potter, Pride and Prejudice (which made Sam laugh every time he thought about the sight of Lucifer’s vessel reading that book), Year 1984, Alice in the Wonderland, Crime and Punishment and of course the Bible. Many of those, but especially the last one, brought about a lot of nightly discussions.

“Hey, has something happened?”, asked Sam, entering the living room, where Nick sat on the couch and stared at the wall with a thousand miles stare. In his hands there was an open book, but he paid no attention to it. When he heard Sam’s voice, it looked as if some charm was broken, because he blinked at looked back at Sam.

“No, why?” He seemed genuinely surprised.

“Because you are staring at the wall for no apparent reason?” Sam came closer to the couch to see the title of the book in Nick’s hands.

The Bible.

“I’m just thinking…” Nick shrugged dismissively.

“About God?” Sam kept pressing, because he saw that something wasn’t right in Nick’s countenance. And Sam wasn’t sure what he expected, but still felt chill running across his spine when he heard the answer.

“No. About Lucifer.”

Even though Sam’s first thought was to run away, maybe even literally, from this topic, he stopped himself from doing it. It wasn’t fair towards Nick. He had been a vessel just as Sam, he is bound to have questions. And maybe Sam wasn’t the one who owed him the answers, but certainly didn’t want to be the one to leave him alone with this problem either. So instead of staying away, Sam sat beside Nick, trying to keep his face neutral, even though a bitter feeling started welling up in his stomach.

“So? What about him?”, asked Sam noncommittally.

Nick glanced up at Sam, immediately noticing his unwillingness to have this conversation. But he decided to respect Sam’s choice on that matter, so he replied:

“I have mixed feelings about him.”, confessed Nick quietly, as if lowering the voice might have reduced the impact of the statement. He put away the Bible and looked directly in Sam’s eyes.

Sam really, really didn’t want this conversation to go that way. But the only thing he could think of doing was to keep digging.

“Mixed – how?”, he asked, doubting that he wants to know the answer. Nick just sighed, also expecting that Sam wouldn’t like his words. So instead of telling what he had in mind he decided to ask:

“Tell me, do you think he lied to you?” It was question posed out of genuine curiosity. And, as Sam observed, he wasn’t being asked about facts, but about his opinion.

Sam licked his lips nervously, suddenly feeling stressed and uneasy.

“When?”, asked Sam, even though both of them immediately realized he was stalling and nothing more.

“Whenever”, replied Nick and after his words the atmosphere in the room rapidly changed for worse. The air seemed more stiff and heavy and Sam looked as if he had trouble focusing his thoughts on the matter. Nick could almost see that Sam’s mind got flooded with memories and remnants of Lucifer, each conversation with him playing in rewind.

Finally, Sam swallowed a bit louder than usually and wiped his palms on his trousers in a sign of uneasiness.

“What do you mean?”, he asked once again, his voice stiff and his throat tightened.

“You know what I mean”, replied Nick calmly. “Do you think he lied to you?”, he repeated with patience.

Sam’s nervousness got suddenly replaced by anger.

“Why does it matter? We’re talking about the Devil!”, he huffed and combed hair with his fingers, desperately trying to find something to do with his hands.

The room was quiet for a couple of long seconds.

“You are aware he never lied to you.”, said Nick quietly and Sam got mortified by those words.

“It doesn’t change anything.”, replied Sam stiffly, not looking at Nick at all.

“Doesn’t it?”, questioned Nick contemplatively. “Doesn’t it… make you wonder?”

“About Lucifer?” Sam’s voice was bordering on unbelieving. “I try not to think about him any more than necessary.”, stated Sam sharply. His voice sounded a bit too adamant for something he would truly believe in.

“Then I won’t bother you with my musings.”, replied Nick a bit coldly, as if he was somehow offended by Sam’s fierce response. Sam sighed regretfully as he watched Nick grab the Bible and stiffly leave the room.

IV.

At first Sam thought that this little almost-argument wouldn’t influence atmosphere in the house too much, but he soon realized his mistake. It wasn’t that Nick got so offended that he stubbornly didn’t want to talk. No. At the beginning Sam didn’t even notice what was off between them. But one evening, when he was already lying in his bed and trying to fall asleep, the realization stoke him as a lightning. Since their conversation about Lucifer, Nick stopped sharing his opinions with Sam. And even though he was generally a stubborn man, Sam didn’t think that character trait was to blame this time. No, it rather looked like Nick decided to stop speaking his mind because he was afraid of Sam’s reaction to his views. He started carefully choosing his words around Sam, as if constantly walking on a thin ice. And as soon as this observation appeared in Sam’s mind, he decided that he cannot take this anymore. It made him strangely uneasy. He didn’t want to make Nick feel defensive around him, because… with Dean gone and Bobby dead, Nick was the only one left. The only person who he could talk freely with, no secrets, no lies, no barriers. And Sam decided that he ought to bring this comfortable atmosphere back.

As he thought about it, it was the first time it occurred to him how relaxed it was before. Sam hadn’t paid much attention to how he felt around Nick, which now occurred to him was a mistake. Nick’s presence calmed him down, put his mind at ease – at ease that Sam hadn’t felt since… since his college days when he had a safe place to come back to, somebody to come back to and a future to look forward to. Neither of those appeared any time later in his life.

Sam wasn’t sure about his future now, but still with the two first things fulfilled he felt a new strange feeling appearing in his chest every time he thought about how his life looked at the moment. He missed Dean like crazy, there was no denying of that fact, but on the other hand Sam slowly became ready to move on. Not entirely, not to the point of losing interest in the purgatory, but to the point of stopping, letting himself relax for a while, letting himself take a deeper breath for once. And for this state of mind there was one person Sam should thank.

But in order to acknowledge Nick’s influence on his life, at first Sam had to brace himself for the conversation he dreaded. So he tried to brace himself for the couple of days, but to no avail – because the more the thought about this matter, the more he realized that the problem didn’t lie in preparing himself for the unwanted topic. The crux wasn’t in talking about Lucifer. It was in talking about Lucifer openly, with no inhibitions, no omissions and no half-truths. Nick simply wouldn’t buy them, he dug too deep into that topic, read the Supernatural series too many times, analyzed the Bible too thoroughly. And what is more, he came to his own conclusions and came up with new set of questions that Sam would have to answer. Also, he was not blinded by what he wanted to believe about Sam, he had no expectations of what the answers should be – he had genuinely open, yet inquisitive and analytic mind.

The worst thing for Sam – or maybe just the most difficult one – was admitting that there was a part of him that was thrilled to finally have an opportunity to talk with somebody about Lucifer. Because every single thought Sam ever had concerning Lucifer was deeply buried in the furthest corners of his mind, long lost and almost forgotten. He made it so because he was frightened that one day those thoughts may come to light – may reach Dean – and he would have to face disappointment on his brother’s face again. And he wouldn’t be even able to defend himself, for he was disappointed and ashamed in himself as well. Or maybe these words were even too soft, to euphemistic to convey the whole range of Sam’s feelings towards himself. The fact was that Sam made desperate effort not to think of Lucifer, because thinking would result in coming to his own conclusions, and that was something Sam tried to avoid at all costs. He knew that he would not like anything his mind would come up with concerning Lucifer’s persona, that it would only put more burden on his shoulders.

But on the other hand it was dangerously tempting to just let go of these concerns for once, to just speak with no fear of being judged, without being afraid to look up the companions eyes, without the risk of seeing them filled with the lack of understanding. Because as strange as it may seem, Sam was almost certain that Nick would be able to understand him, at least to some tiny extent. But anything was better than nothing, which was the only thing he could have ever expected from the rest of the world in that particular matter.

Sam felt a shiver running though his spine every time that thought came to his mind. It reminded him of Ruby – the greatest mistake of his life. All those emotions curled into his stomach, the need for understanding, walking near the line of morally doubtful ideas. Every time Sam wanted to succumb to the temptation, his mind was planting to him the thought of history repeating itself. The worst thing about this situation was that Sam noticed he started to lose the sense of right and wrong again. Because opening up about Lucifer, even peeping through the door that had been long locked and with the key deeply buried – it was definitely not something to be considered right. At least not for most people and certainly not for Dean, who worked as a moral compass for Sam for the most part of the decade now, since Sam didn’t really trust his judgement after Ruby, even if he sometimes tried to convince himself otherwise.

But now Dean was gone and Sam had to make his own choices in the matter of right and wrong. And the longer he thought about it, the less wrong this idea looked like and the more appealing. He had to talk to Nick, had to make things right with him. And there was nobody to judge him for his deeds, not for the time being anyway. So maybe, Sam decided, it was time to risk it. Follow the emotions for the first time since Ruby. Try trusting himself.

Maybe it was the time to dig up the key to that long lost door, to stop being afraid of what’s behind them. Because behind the door or not, it was still a part of him, a part of who Sam was.

Fortunately, digging up what had been hidden was literally a part of Sam’s resume.

V.

It happened on a Saturday, or maybe it was Sunday already? Sam couldn’t be sure, he didn’t bother to look at the watch after Nick came back from his shift.

As Nick entered the biggest room in their house, the one shared with a kitchen, he noticed Sam sitting at the table, slowly drinking a beer.

“You were waiting for me?” Nick’s voice was quiet, but surprised.

“Yeah. I bought beer.”, replied Sam as if it explained everything. It did not, but Nick decided not to question Sam’s motives, he simply sat beside him on a chair and grabbed the bottle that had been apparently waiting just for him.

The bottle cap fizzed, cutting the silence that had fallen between them.

“So?”, prompted him Nick after taking a first sip.

Sam cleared his throat and combed hair with his fingers, which Nick noticed he was doing every time he got uneasy.

“You wanted to talk about Lucifer.”, breathed Sam finally. He looked up just to see Nick’s eyes widening in astonishment.

“We don’t have to. You didn’t want to raise that topic.”, said Nick quickly, reminding Sam of the fact that he excellently recalled on his own. But Sam’s ear caught that his tone was defensive and withdrawn.

“I wanted to bury my head in the sand.”, admitted Sam stiffly. “But I’m done with that.”

Nick took a while to regard Sam carefully. What he looked for, Sam would never know, but when he met Nick’s eyes with determination painted on his face, Nick seemed to find it and so he relented.

“If you are sure.” Nick nodded, and fell silent, giving Sam time to gather his thoughts.

He observed calmly as Sam fiddled with his bottle, turning it alternately left and right and then left again. The room was dimly lit, as the sconce on the wall was the only source of illumination. Nick, even though he had already been exhausted from his day long shift and even though before he saw Sam he had been thinking only of sleeping, suddenly felt awake again. His mind sharpened in the matter of seconds and his ears opened to catch Sam’s every single word.

But Sam looked as if he didn’t know how to begin.

“What do you want to know?”, he asked finally with a hint of desperation in his voice, with one sole look of his eyes pleading Nick to help him, to guide him during this conversation.

For a moment Nick considered calling it all off and walking away. Remembering what the previous try brought them, he realized that this conversation might cause even more distress than the last one. But then again, Sam was not mistaken in noticing how stubborn Nick could be.

“I wanna know what exactly you think of Lucifer. How you feel about him.”

So that was it. Sam knew he needed to start talking now, or he would miss yet another opportunity to get it over with. But the words proved to be terribly difficult to push through his throat.

“I acted like I was somehow better than him.”, Sam began at last, his voice quiet and shaken. “Like I had the right to judge him, like I had the right to punish him. But I know, I knew even then that… I don’t. And that I am no better than him, but also not worse than him. I… I could actually understand every decision he ever made and… and that scares me like nothing ever before.”

“What do you mean by ‘understand’ exactly?”, asked Nick curiously but – and that was the thing Sam had been hoping for – without derision in his voice.

“Like…”, began Sam, but licked his lips before he could finish. “…like I would do the same thing in his place.” He took yet another deep breath and continued, because it appeared that Nick was waiting for more. “It doesn’t mean I would be proud of myself for doing it, that I would think of myself as a good person, but… But the choices I have made before I met him indicate that the path he’d chosen is the same path I would choose in his position. He was fueled by anger, by the need to have the last word and to prove he had been right all along. And I may not like to admit it, but all these feelings were at some point my feelings. And I believe that is what actually makes me his True Vessel.”, explained Sam almost on one breath, as if he wanted to get rid of those words as quickly as possible. But both of them knew it was just the beginning of their discussion.

“I wonder…”, began Nick quietly in a ponderous manner, as if he was about to bring up a scientific matter worth discussing. “What’s the difference between the two of you?”, he asked, looking up at Sam.

Sam winced and then froze. “What?”, he asked sharply, threads of anger appearing in his voice.

“Oh” Nick immediately realized mistake in his wording. “I didn’t mean to suggest there is none.”, he amended quickly. “Quite the opposite.”, he emphasized deeply and explained further, “I simply observed that you and Lucifer, as you say, were so similar, and yet your final actions differed so much. And it makes me wonder why, because from the same seed grown two completely different trees – and there has to be a reason for that disparity.”

And just like that, any anger that had appeared in Sam’s gut evaporated into thin air. A minute later it got replaced by an actual reflection. And then he realized he didn’t need much time to find the answer.

“Dean was my difference.”, he said as it came to his mind.

“Was he?”, questioned Nick thoughtfully. “Didn’t he act just as Michael did? Didn’t he let your father throw you out, slam the door at your face? Didn’t he choose to stand by your father’s side when it was you who needed his support?”

“He did all those things.”, admitted Sam, but he shook his head a moment later when another thought occurred to him. “But then he was the one to seek me out, he came to me when dad went missing. And he stayed with me afterwards. He wasn’t like Michael, who just cut Lucifer off because his father told him to and who felt it gave him all the right to do so. I doubt Michael felt any guilt about what he did to Lucifer, and… I know Dean felt guilty about that situation. Yes, he told me that I should apologize, that it was all my fault, that I left him, not the other way around but… in the end he reached out to me first, in his own deanish way. And that’s something Lucifer could never count on when it came to Michael.”

The best thing for Sam was that even though Nick asked all those questions, seemingly accusing Dean, Sam didn’t feel angry or defensive. It was mostly because Nick’s voice wasn’t vindictive, it was analytic. Somehow Sam immediately realized that Nick was playing some weird version of Devil’s advocate, but not to cross Sam, but rather to prompt him to think about the answers.

Sam couldn’t understand how Nick’s mind worked, he simply knew it was happening really quickly. He could almost see various thoughts, ideas and questions crossing Nick’s mind when he was speaking, but Nick’s eventual reply still managed to completely baffle him. Nick let him take a deeper breath and then looked up at him and asked calmly but firmly:

“Do you feel guilty about sending Lucifer back to the Cage?”

Sam knew that this conversation would be hard, but he had never imagined how insightful Nick’s inquiries would be. His every word, every observation hit home with grave accuracy, which left Sam without breath in his lungs and with emptiness in his mind.

“No.” Sam breathed this answer and it was completely truthful. “I would do it again if needed.”, he added fiercely.

“But you feel something.”, prompted him Nick and they both heard the unsaid ending of this statement.

You feel something you think you shouldn’t.

Sam opened another beer without a word, and also give another one to Nick after a minute’s thought. Then he took a big sip of the beverage and swallowed it slowly, taking his time to come up with the most truthful response.

“I don’t feel guilty.”, he repeated adamantly. “But I do feel sorry.”, he admitted.

“For him?”

“I wish it didn’t have to end like that for him.”, explained Sam quietly, almost in a whisper. He looked at the beer in front of him as if it could provide him with some answers.

“You wanted to help him?”

“Back then? No, not really. I was focused on saving the world from the mess I created. But later, when I thought about it – and believe me, I  thought a lot – I realized that maybe it didn’t have to be such a mess at all. Maybe it could have been avoided even after I freed him.”

“Well, he did offer Michael to just walk off the chessboard.”, reminded Nick gently.

“He did. But it was too late then. He knew Michael wouldn’t take that offer and both of them wanted that fight to happen. But… hell, the sole fact that he said those words means that he might have considered it, so maybe…”

“You think you could have talked the Devil out of his millennia long plans?”, asked Nick and his lips cracked into a smile.

“Don’t mock me.”, hissed Sam, moving away from Nick rapidly, as he realized how close they were sitting.

“I wasn’t!”, swore Nick immediately. “It just occurred to me that… you may be the only person who ever existed that might have had an actual shot on doing it.”, he added thoughtfully.

For a couple of seconds Sam got lost in Nick’s eyes, suddenly aware that maybe he didn’t move away as far as he thought, because Nick’s face was still intimately close to his.

“Well, even if I had a chance back then, now it’s too late for it anyway.”, replied Sam finally, after what seemed like ten minutes, but was probably only several seconds.

Again, silence filled the room. Sam broke the eye contact, but he lasted only a moment before he brought his eyes back up and they met with Nick’s, who has not changed position. Sam didn’t know what to think of that sudden closeness, but then he soon realized that he stopped thinking altogether. Only thing he could focus on were his senses; he felt Nick’s body next to his, he smelled the man’s cologne mixed with his own scent, he heard Nick’s breath missing his head just by inches. All that combined created the feeling Sam hadn’t felt in a really long time.

“Thank you for telling me this”, whispered Nick, and his words broke the spell and Sam’s mind came back to reality for a moment. Only for that long, because the fact that Nick used whisper managed to avoid changing the atmosphere between them completely. It just reminded Sam that they are in the middle of conversation. “If you hadn’t, I would…”, Nick stopped in the middle of a sentence, apparently at loss for words, or just too ashamed to say them out loud.

“You would?”, prompted him Sam to continue, however just as quietly as Nick spoke.

“I would keep thinking that there is something wrong with me. That thinking of the Devil like that makes me evil somehow. But I know you’re not, and your thoughts about him are so similar, so maybe there is a chance for me too.”, explained Nick.

“Thinking of the Devil like what?”, asked Sam, wanting to make sure he understood Nick properly.

“You know, sympathizing with him a bit.”, replied Nick, shrugging his shoulders, as if trying to minimalize the impact of his words. “Understanding why he did what he did. Realizing that he may not have been the villain in this story. Or at least not the only one.”

That caught Sam’s interest.

“Who, in your opinion, would be the other villain?”, he asked, suddenly more curious than afraid of the answer.

“Michael? God?” Nick shrugged again. “Both of them?”, he suggested, and then added, “I’m not saying that Lucifer was a poor victim. There were some rules and he broke them. But I cannot stop thinking that the punishment didn’t really fit the crime, you know?”, muttered Nick, then he sighed, took a sip of his beer and continued, because Sam seemed to be waiting for it. “Adam and Eve were thrown out of Eden and deprived of immortality. Lucifer was locked in the Cage. For eons. And his only sin was presenting Eve a choice, which she did not realize she had. If we apply what we know of free will then the decision was her alone. Because Lucifer did not lie to her. And she chose to eat the apple from her own volition.”

Sam sighed and looked at his bottle of beer and putting it away with disappointment when he realized its empty.

“That’s why I don’t think he deserves to be in the cage now.”, he admitted after a moment’s thought. “What’s the point of punishment if it never ends? Is not redemption the point of punishment? And Lucifer has no chance for it, he will never have. He just is deemed the ultimate villain and doomed for eternity. I’m not saying that nobody deserves that kind of punishment, hell, I personally met humans whom I would put into the cage for eternity without a shred of remorse but… I simply don’t believe that Lucifer being locked in the cage is… just.”

“But what can you do?”

“Exactly.”, nodded Sam stiffly. “Even back then, putting him back into the cage was the only possible option of fighting him, of saving the world from him.”

“I get it.”, murmured Nick with understanding. “Even if you don’t think he deserves that punishment, even if you can understand his motives in the bigger picture, well… in the end you still need to act according to your subjective point of view. I mean, we’re humans, he wanted to destroy us, you stopped him because saving humanity was more important than deciding who was right: father or son. And even if you had decided back then that he had been wronged by God, it probably still wouldn’t have changed what you did. You are human and understanding Lucifer’s decisions doesn’t change that fact.”

Sam was suddenly overwhelmed by Nick’s words  or rather by how precisely they hit home. Every single sentence Nick said was like taken straight from his mind, even from his soul. Sam felt as if Nick just took his every thought concerning Lucifer and formed it into words, which was something Sam had never done before.

“Sam?”, asked Nick and that’s when Sam realized he had been staring at the wall behind Nick for the last couple of seconds.

“Sorry, I just…”, muttered Sam shaking his head slightly, “I’m just surprised because I cannot agree with you more. Like, literally. What you just said is… exactly what I think and…”, Sam got lost in his own words for a while, which gave Nick the opportunity to interrupt.

“It made you uneasy.”, he realized sadly.

“No”, said Sam immediately, but after actually considering it he had to admit, “well, okay, maybe it did. A bit. I’m not used to having someone who has the same… controversial ideas as mine sometimes are.”, he admitted.

Nick smiled sadly at him.

“I don’t think that’s all of it. I think you’re afraid of having someone who has similar controversial ideas.”, said Nick quietly and when Sam did not answer, just sat silently and looked pointedly at the table, Nick dared to add, “It makes you think of Ruby.”

At first, Sam just wanted to ask Nick not to go into this topic and he even opened his mouth to do so, but something inside him made his voice stuck in his throat. He didn’t want to cut this conversation off as sharply as he did with the previous one. Also, bringing up Lucifer with Nick actually made him feel better, so maybe talking about Ruby – despite really not wanting to – would have the same effect? Or maybe there were also other reasons which he just didn’t want to verbalize yet.

“Bingo.”, admitted Sam quietly and looked up at Nick. Their knees were nearly bumping under the table, missing only by inches. Just then Sam noticed that while he was fiddling with the empty bottle, Nick was doing the same thing to some quarter of dollar that was lying previously near the beer. And therefore their hands were situated really close to each other, their fingers could be tangled together in a matter of milliseconds.

“She was the last person I felt such a connection with – she faked it of course, but I hadn’t know it back then. So don’t be surprised that I am a bit wary right now.”, explained Sam apologetically.

“Such a connection? What do you mean?”, inquired Nick gently.

Sam stopped fiddling with the bottle, now focusing his eyes on hypnotizing moves of Nick’s fingers around the coin.

“Your views on Lucifer, on God, Michael, you understand him so well and what’s more you understand me too…”, muttered Sam and he would probably have listed more things if Nick hadn’t stopped him.

“Is the similarities of our thoughts all that you had in mind?”, asked Nick carefully, as if testing waters.

Sam swallowed before answering, because suddenly his mouth felt strangely dry.

“What else do you think of?”, he replied finally, looking Nick straight in his blue eyes, his mind going blank as he did so.

“Maybe…”, Nick began slowly and quietly, which made Sam lean closer towards him, “this.”, he breathed and suddenly leaned forward even more than Sam just had. Before Sam could understand what was happening, he was being gently kissed.

Sam froze. There is no other word for it. He literally stopped moving, breathing, thinking and he would even bet that his heart had stopped beating for a couple of seconds too. He had no idea what was happening. Later he would have to admit that he should have actually expected it but at that moment every single system in his organism just gave up and stopped working. Well, maybe with the exception of the nervous system, because when everything seemed dull, the sense of touch became – on the contrary – exceptionally intensified.

Sam didn’t return the kiss. His mind was too flooded with questions to send any impulse to his muscles.

As Nick noticed Sam reaction, he immediately pulled himself back and looked at Sam with unhidden shame.

“I’m sorry.”, he whispered, standing uncoordinatedly up from the chair, his eyes not leaving Sam’s face, but strangely evading direct contact with his eyes. “I… misunderstood the situation.”, he explained and in his voice embarrassment got mixed with humiliation.

And in the matter of seconds, Sam was alone in the room. Nick left in a hurry, still not looking him in the eye, forgetting about everything he might have wanted to take with him – his backpack, his unfinished beer, the coin he had been playing with.

Sam swallowed, his mouth still strangely dry, even more than before. Unconsciously his fingers found their way to his lips, he brushed them gently, wondering about what just happened. Thoughts in his mind were still spinning and he didn’t even try to stop them, neither to try to make sense of them. Sam just let them fly freely around his head as he kept moving his pointing finger across his lower lip.

Only after a couple more seconds it finally clicked. His being with Ruby was not restricted to sharing thoughts with her. He shared with her a lot more than just mind, he shared body. That’s what Nick was talking about, realized Sam and he felt his lips involuntarily splitting. He licked them slowly, while it occurred to him that what he was tasting was Nick.

Nick kissed him.

This thought still had problem in getting into Sam’s skull.

He had never kissed a man before. He had never even considered it as an actual possibility, he wasn’t gay after all.

The coin that Nick left behind seemed to be unusually attracting his attention. Sam slowly pulled his hand away from his lips and grabbed the quarter of dollar.

It was as cold as if he had just taken it from the cooler.

Lucifer’s words said in Nick’s voice rang in his head: ‘Most people think I burn hot. It’s actually quite the opposite.’

Sam felt a chill run down his spine. He thought of Lucifer. Then he thought of Ruby. And then, in the very end, he thought of Nick.

Sam tightened his fingers around the cold metal and stood rapidly from the chair. It fell down. He didn’t bat an eye at the noise it made, nor did he put it back up. Sam just let his legs do their job and walked wherever they led him.

Nick’s room turned out to be the destination.

And when the blond man opened the door after he’d heard the knocking, Sam just grabbed the front of his T-shirt, took a couple of steps into the room, turned the both of them by 180 degrees and pressed Nick into the closest wall.

And then he kissed him.  

Sam had no idea what he was doing. He just let the heat and desire and lust and whatever else his body felt towards Nick take over. He released all of that into this one kiss, which Nick eagerly responded to. Sam felt Nick’s arms embracing his back and pulling him closer, felt Nick’s hips underneath his hands, felt Nick’s groin pressed closely to his. And then Nick’s fingers were tangled into his hair, not letting him pull back from the lingering kiss – not that Sam even wanted to.

Remembering Ruby all too well, but somehow pulling up different set of memories about her than usually, Sam rushed his fingers under Nick’s shirt and took if off completely in one practiced move. He hung his arm firmly around Nick’s waist and gripped the man tightly, moving him decisively towards bed. All that time he felt Nick’s breath by his ear, smelled his scent directly from his neck and savored Nick’s hands not letting go of the back of his head.

“Sam”, breathed Nick heavily when his back hit the bed and that was the last straw for Sam. That was it. Now he was completely gone.

His plaid landed on the floor as kneeled on the bed over Nick, covering the man’s body with his own. Nick immediately reached for his head, pulling him back into a fierce and demanding kiss.

It vaguely occurred to Sam that he started developing a habit of having extremely passionate sex with people he really shouldn’t do it with, but then he reached to undo Nick’s belt and zipper anyway.