Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Hipak? You look like you need it.”

That was the first thing I heard after ending that stupid call I had with my ex who was begging me to take him back.

I don’t even know why he’s still bugging the shit out of me. We literally broke up two years ago.

“I don’t vape, sorry.” I said while fiddling with my phone, doing all the measures para ‘di na ako ma-contact ulit ng bwisit na ‘yon.

I was about to look up when she suddenly laughed.

Wala naman akong sinabing joke?

She took a hit of her vape — the smoke blowing into my face.

Okay, first off — weird. Second, how dare this stranger blow her vape sa mukha ko? Third, vaping in BGPOP? Really? And lastly, wow… 

Those are really beautiful eyes. The hypnotizing kind.

The kind that’ll trick you into doing whatever the hell she wants.

And true enough, she really did trick me into doing whatever the hell she wanted. 

Like how she tricked me into making out with her in our building’s eleventh-floor restroom.

Tricked me one more time.

Then again.

Those shenanigans weren’t a one-time occurrence. It first kept happening in the same restroom.

Until we almost got caught by another student, so we agreed to only do it at her place.

And when it became irresistible, I started inviting her over mine. 

It quickly became a cycle of are-you-down-tonight texts until we realized we couldn’t stop ourselves even if we tried to, so… we finally agreed to… this kind of setup.

No labels. No complicated nonsense. Just two adults who have the hots for each other. 

It’s better this way, I wouldn’t even be doing this if she weren’t so ridiculously attractive. 

I’m not even into girls like that. This is just for practice. Yeah, practice. That’s the term.

I groaned. That godforsaken woman is now the reason why I can’t focus on this paper I was supposed to finish last night pa.

Tangina talaga. Never ako nadistract sa kahit sino before, kahit mga naging ex ko pa, pero here I am stressing over a girl I’m not even dating.

A girl that’s just so... ugh. Kainis.

Pero kasi tangina ko rin. Why can’t I stop wanting that evil incarnate? It’s not like I like her, though. I’m just after the thrill.

I was stressing out with my own thoughts until my phone buzzed.

Lucky:

 

gising ka pa baks? huhu katakot mag isa nanood aq iskeri movie huhu

 

may smirnoff dito

 

ayain mo na rin si robles if u want

 

funny sha kachikahan

 

tsaka target q tropa niya plz

Robles. Robles. Robles. 

Taragis naman talaga. Sino ba kasing bobo na magpapakilala ng sneaky link labeled as a friend sa mga kaibigan niya?

I slipped into my hoodie and was just about to leave — dahil mukhang nangungupal na naman si JC at puro delivered lang texts ko sa kanya — when I heard the door creak open.

“Tara na?”

And there she was. JC in the flesh.

Jhoanna Christine.

Wearing her usual: Black glasses, navy blue cap, oversized Oxford shirt, and shorts that looked like it came from her dad’s closet. Hair also tied up — not too high, not too low, just enough to leave her neck visible.

JC, the bane of my existence.

I was halfway through saying something petty when she planted a kiss on my cheek.

Tangina naman, girl. Awa na lang, get the fuck up! Masyado kang down bad, eh.

I played it cool like my knees weren’t about to give up. Gago huminga ka, isa.

“Sorry, may ginawa akong errand kaya ‘di ako agad nakapag reply,”

“Iba na naman amoy mo ah, may inuna ka na namang babae? Galing mo talaga eh ‘no.”

“Babae agad? Nagpalit lang ako ng perfume!”

Kababaeng tao, napaka babaero.

I don’t mind, though. As long as she drops everything the second I text her.

Ganon ako sa kanya, dapat siya rin sakin.

–

We were all laughing hysterically because of Lucky who’s now running frantically because JC called Mikha — Mikha aka the ‘icing sa ibabaw ng cupcake ni Lucky’ Mikha.

I couldn’t stop laughing my ass out kasi para siyang naputulan ng vocal cords nung hinarap sa kanya yung video call, but as soon as that call ended… she started acting like a dog getting the zoomies.

“Gago ka talaga! Bakit bigla mong hinarap?! Wala akong ayos! Pano na lang kapag nag backout siya sa kasal namin sa utak ko?!” she shouted hysterically while running in circles.

I was laughing until I felt something warm slipping its way beneath my hoodie.

Lord. Good Lord.

JC was already holding my waist and I could feel her thumb softly brush over my skin — she was caressing it like it was fragile.

If she thinks she’s better than me at this game, she’s wrong. Kasi ang galing ko magpanggap na wala lang pero yung totoo, I was feeling lightheaded like I was an astronaut that got sent to space without a spacesuit.

Fuck. I’m not even touch deprived pero bakit tumatayo yung balahibo ko?!

I stopped her from doing that thing and glared at her. Parang gago, mamaya mahuli pa kami ni Lucky.

Also because I’m probably one physical contact away from jumping her, ovulation week ko ba? 

“Baby sungit,” she mouthed, her lips forming an annoying smirk.

“Ansaveh?” si Lucky.

I nudged JC and faked a laugh: “Wala! Sobrang funny mo raw,”

Half of our night revolved around Lucky talking about her theory na God created men daw and sent Mikha as an apology.

And the other half was me trying not to combust whenever JC would do her thing.

The stupid cute slash pogi thing she does that makes me do whatever the hell she wants, kahit alam ko na ‘di lang ako pinapaandaran niya ng ganito.

Yung susulyap.

Aakbay sa balikat ko tapos ngingiti.

Tapos kapag nag c-cr break si Lucky, nanakaw ng halik.

Classic, textbook babaero — tapos siya ang author.

Anyway, I could care less. Parehas lang namin kaming may iba’t-ibang ineentertain.

But there’s just this… weird, unexplainable feeling in my stomach everytime I’d form the words JC and other girls in the same sentence. 

Whatever. So what? Wala naman akong pake.

Chapter Text

I had no classes today and was about to prepare for a blind date since I’d just caught up with my backlogs, but life had other plans — suddenly the light from my windows were too bright and my head was throbbing.

I sighed. I think I’ve had too much caffeine today.

I removed the glasses I’d been wearing and collapsed on my bed — ito yata reason bakit ako nahihilo. 

I wanted to doomscroll because I was on device timeout the whole morning — also because I needed to lock in on my reqs — but I just became more nauseous the longer I stared at my screen.

My whole body felt heavy, and everything just felt loud — the jeepney noises and the blaring sirens of firetrucks roaming around Dapitan became a little too overstimulating today.

I guess I just needed a nap to take a break from all of this. Maaga pa naman, I have plenty of time to prepare for later.

-

I woke up to my head pounding — the pain had escalated and I could feel it radiating through my entire body. Pucha naman, magkakasakit pa yata ako eh.

Oh my God. I was supposed to go on a date.

Wait.

Wait lang.

Bakit parang lumiit yung bed ko? Parang I’m being swaddled by my unan…

This scent is weird though, I never use fabric softeners on my sheets…

Pero ang familiar eh, amoy–

What the hell?

I opened my eyes and turned. 

Si JC nga. Her arms were locked tight around my waist. I watched her for a moment, my eyes drifting to her lips that were softly parted as she slept on.

Gusto ko sana siya gisingin para tanungin kung bakit siya nandito but she looked too peaceful.

And beautiful. Effortless at that.

I could tell she wasn’t wearing any makeup because the moles on her face were visible. Lalo na yung malapit sa labi niya na lagi ko tinitingnan because… I don’t know, it just made her more attractive.

The light outside faded into a softer, gray color, making the contrast from my lamp sharper — its glow illuminated her lips. They weren’t just merely soft. It looked like an invitation, even.

I didn’t want to ruin this moment, though. Hindi siya kupal tingnan ngayon.

I lunged out of her arms kasi tangina, my mind went back to the date I missed — the date I was supposed to go on kanina! 

I felt the throbbing beat again.

“Na-message ko na, ayos lang daw,” JC muttered, stretching out a long, heavy yawn. “Hindi ko sinadyang basahin ah, sobrang dami lang kasing missed calls, lumusot na sa DND mo,” she added.

I pressed deep on my temples, trying to anchor myself back into the world, kasi lalo lang umikot yung paningin ko. “Ah, okay. Why are you here then?”

“Hindi mo yata chinecheck tracking app mo. May turon ako na binili, yung galing sa Hypermarket. May paracetamol din diyan if ever,”

“Oh, tapos? Ano ba kasing meron?” I scratched my head.

I mean yeah, I was craving that pero, how did she even know? Last I checked, hindi ko pa siya nirereplyan since this morning. And paracetamol? What for?

I opened my mouth to speak but the words dissolved on my tongue. I don’t know what to say, I’m so lost right now.

She stood up and grabbed the paper bag that was placed on top of my study table. “Check mo nga tracking app mo,”

“Dinelete ko na, it takes up so much space,” my brows drew together.

“Ngek, kaya naman pala,”

“Ano ba meron nga? Wala naman akong period!”

“Six days left daw eh!”

I’m so close to knocking myself out because I don’t know if I’m really this bobo or she’s just being random. May camera ba somewhere? Prank ba ‘to? Hindi ko na talaga gets.

“Gago, oh ano ngayon? Saka bakit mo alam?”, I said with a hint of annoyance, “at ba’t tinatrack mo?”

Ano ba kasing trip niya? Hindi naman ako mabubuntis so why bother?

“Ewan ko sayo! Tuwing bago ka magka-period, pansin ko nagkakasakit ka. Tapos ang hilig mo sa turon. Yung sa SM, specifically.”

Oh. 

I didn’t even know that about me. I laughed weakly at myself — something inside me did that stupid thing again.

She glanced up and smiled — the kind that widened her eyes and somehow made everything feel warmer — with both her eyebrows raised. Her hands busy stacking the things she got me. “May iba ka pang gusto?”

And as if on cue, I started pouting like a child sa isang telenovela na aping-api. “Cuddle please,”

“Order ni baby sungit coming right up!” she said playfully, her arms wide open. “Hindi na kailangan hingin ‘yan, matic na ‘yan ano ka ba.”

And we really did cuddle — and made lambing — the whole night as if all was right in the world. Bahala na lang yung ka-date ko dapat, katamad.

She tilted her head to catch a better view of my face, her arms still circled around me. “Alam mo, I like it like this,” 

Huh?

Silence hung in the air for a few jarring seconds — the only thing you could hear was the steady whirring of the ac.

I didn’t know what to say because I wasn’t sure if this was just one of her antics. “Like what?” I asked, almost like a whisper.

“Kapag ‘di ka masungit, o kapag hindi mainit ulo mo. I think we’d make a great pair, parang magaling naman ako sa pagpapakalma sayo eh. Ano sa tingin mo?”

I just nodded in agreement because how am I even supposed to respond to that?

Something was wrenching me from the inside that I could — almost — physically feel it… though I couldn’t pinpoint what it was.

JC is… different talaga kapag hindi siya kupal. She’s sweet, caring, at higit sa lahat kaya kang paniwalain na ikaw yung pinaka-special person in the world kahit na, if we’re being real, lima kayong inuuto niya.

I’d actually date her if only we weren’t messing around.

And if I was actually, you know — gay.

The night went on like it wouldn’t end. Wala rin naman kaming classes tomorrow since it was a Sunday, so she decided to stay the night.

“Hanap ka na ng magandang romcom!” JC shouted from the bathroom.

Naiinis na ako kasi I’ve been scrolling for 10 minutes pero wala akong mahanap na romcom sa Netflix na convincing enough para panoorin namin.

For some reason, my mind kept darting back to her question. It's not like it bothered me or anything, but it kept popping up in my brain like a notification I just can’t seem to mute. Sana may silent option din for my thoughts.

I was feeling a lot better na so I stood up and followed JC para sabihin na bilisan na niya. I wonder why she’s taking so long.

I was about to walk in but she was saying something, her voice was faint but the door wasn’t completely shut — I could still hear her words clearly.

Tangina mo kahit kailan, Robles.

Gago ka ba?

Kanina ang sakit ng ulo ko, ngayon naman uminit. Tangina naman oh.

“Mamaya na lang, nagb-brainstorm kami ng groupmate ko. Ha? Anong si Arceta? Baliw ‘to oh, groupmate nga. Nilubayan ko na yun gagi, ba’t ba ayaw mo maniwala?”

It was taking every fucking particle in my body to not go up at her and scream in her face right now. Tangina, groupmate? Ako? Na cinuddle mo kanina? Tapos pinaglaruan yung buhok?

Turon ng SM Hypermarket and paracetamol?

Pagalingan talaga kami mag-kupalan eh.

Gusto ko na siyang sampalin kaso naalala ko wala nga pala akong karapatan. 

We weren’t girlfriends, much less friends.

We were nothing but a couple of dysfunctional adults who were there for each other when our needs called for it. 

Nothing more, nothing less.

Ano nga bang problema ko? Ako nga ‘tong may ka-date dapat kanina.

-

Days went by pretty quickly. JC and I would still meet up. We even found ourselves falling into a different — yet quiet and comforting — rhythm. We’d even unlocked something new: studying together. 

I had Saturday classes so I was with Maloi and Staks, nakatambay lang sa harap ng Plaza Mayor. May study session din kami later ni JC kaya nagpapalipas lang ako ng oras until ma-dismiss na sila.

The campus had fewer students today but the air was still filled with laughter, the faint rustling of leaves, at yung ingay ng ilang freshmen busy filming an assignment that’s most likely for their PathFit class. Giveaway yung mala-highlighter na uniform.

“Te Kwin, may barya ka diyan?” si Staku. “Bili lang ako ice cream kay manong,”

I laughed before giving her my purse. Staku was busy chatting with the vendor while Maloi was ranting about their professor. 

Their topic quickly shifted to something else. “Te,” Staks muttered, her focus still on her ice cream, “ano raw standards mo sa lalaki?”

“Maganda yung mata, alam niyo yung bilog na bilog? Ganon. Tapos pwede naman kahit same height lang kami. Dapat din maganda yung boses. Funny. Thoughtful, ganyan.” I answered without giving it much thought.

“Sa ugali kasi!”

“Ah, sa ugali ba? Edi ano, the art of knowing! Kumbaga to be loved is to be known diba,” I shrugged. “So dun ako sa hindi ko na kailangan sabihin kung ano yung gusto ko or what I need. Yung alam na lang agad!” 

Maloi leaned a little, her eyebrows shot up. “Gaga, wala namang ganon eh! Saka walang ganyan na lalaki, bobo yan sila lahat! Buti pa crush ko.”

Eh, may ganon naman ah? 

Natawa na lang ako. May ganon naman kasi talaga eh, diba?

I was just all ears while the two of them kept going, shifting from one topic to another. Simula paglabas ng room sa BGPOP hanggang QPark, nag-chihikahan pa rin sila.

We settled on a random spot beside the library — I took out my phone para mag-scroll lang.

I came across a picture of a girl leaning on another girl’s shoulder. The other girl looked… oddly familiar.

Ay, kaya pala. 

Si JC pala yung sinasandalan. 

Talagang naka-tag pa yung main account niya.

Kuhang-kuha niya talaga inis ko. Naalala ko na naman yung 'groupmate' thing. Siya ba yung kausap niya nung nagtatago siya sa cr?

Screenshot sent to JC. With the message: cute niyo ng jowa mo 

I felt my throat tighten. Ewan ko rin, I guess my ego is getting the best of me.

I was halfway through typing nung biglang nagsalita si Staku: “Huy, gigil na gigil ka naman sa phone mo! Para kang keyboard warrior diyan!” she joked.

I just gave her a weak smile, too stressed to even fake a laugh.

My phone kept buzzing. I didn’t have to check the name to know it was JC spamming me.

JC:

 

wala yan

 

ewan ko dyan bat niya pinost

 

tuloy pa rin tayo mamaya ah? study ulit

 

Bahala ka dyan, gago. Manigas ka ngayon. Do-not-disturb: ON.

I occupied myself by putting my earphones on, mostly ignoring what was going on around me. 

Ugh.

-

We went straight to our places after namin tumambay. Wala naman kami masyadong ginawa today pero for some reason, I felt so exhausted.

Parang gusto ko na lang matulog buong gabi.

Hindi ko alam kung kanino ako unang susuko: sa acads ba o kay JC?

I let out a heavy sigh and flopped on my bed. Ayoko matalo. Not now, not ever.

It's time to stop hiding behind excuses. I feel like acknowledging this is the only way for me to ease up even just a bit of what I’ve been feeling.

I can’t keep up with her sometimes, she’s just… too good at this game. The only thing that’s keeping me from backing out is literally my pride and ego.

It’s also been three months of me chasing these highs. The kind of buzz only JC could spark. Tangina, nakakasawa na rin yung situation ko pero I'm left with wanting more. It's like a hunger I can't satisfy no matter how much I feed it. 

Kung may rehabilitation center para sa mga tulad ko, please, sign me up.

Hindi naman ako nahuhulog, pero tangina hindi ko rin siya kayang tigilan. She just has this strong magnetic grip that I can’t pull away from.

Because she makes you feel seen. 

When she looks at you, it's like all of the weight you didn’t even realize you were carrying just… fades. Even when she’s being a pain in the ass, there’s still this softness that breaks through.

She can also be infuriating. Pops up with a random girl? Check. Magaling mang-uto? She got that covered. But I don’t think I want her to be completely out of my life. Masaya siyang kasama. She’s her. I don’t think I still need to elaborate on that.

That’s what gets to me the most — that she’s not even trying. 

Okay, maybe I notice more than I should. And yes, maybe I look for her in every room I step into before I even realize what I’m doing. 

But that doesn’t mean I like her, maybe it just means she’s impossible to ignore.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from all of this, it’s that JC does make me feel something I am very, very, very unfamiliar with.

Something I’ve never felt even with all the other guys I’ve talked to.

Pero baka ganon talaga kapag dalawa kayong babae? Girls feel at ease with their girl friends, right? Maybe that’s why I can’t quite shake her.

Maybe mas okay kung maging bestfriends kami?

Maybe, just maybe, the right man for me just hasn’t come along yet. 

Yeah. That must be it.

Chapter Text

“Hi! You must be Jiro?”

“Hey! Aiah?” the guy asked, smiling.

I scratched my head because I never really liked being called by my first name. “Yup! Pero Kwin na lang,”

I had to take my mind off some things so I went out on a date with this guy I talked to on a dating app. He looks okay, seems nice too. 

We only started talking two days ago but he looks decent so I guess I’ll give it a shot.

He guided me to the reserved table that had an unobstructed view of the city lights. The breeze was gentle enough for the candlelights to remain steady. 

It looks nice here. Could’ve been better though, parang may kulang lang kasi… pero ‘di ko alam kung ano. Basta. Maganda naman.

“So, what brings you here?” I asked as soon as we sat down.

“Honestly, just to catch up with family and friends. I was still a teenager the last time I went here,” he said while looking through the menu.

“But you’re on a dating app?” I laughed mischievously, like I was trying to catch him.

He gave a small, lopsided smile as if he was almost embarrassed, but that playful glint in his eyes stayed visible. “Well, I think it’s not bad to go on a date and maybe find someone right?”

“Hmm. Fair enough.”

Our conversation flowed steadily, each of us were taking turns in asking questions to get to know each other more. He’s okay naman, surprisingly. His accent also makes up for whatever he’s lacking.

We stayed in the lobby of the hotel after having dinner, talking about random, basic stuff — his life in London, cultural differences, things I enjoyed doing.

“You’re only into guys right?”

My eyebrows shot straight up as my brain stalled. Sobrang random naman? How do I even answer that?

I mean, duh, malamang. Ano pa bang sagot? 

What did I even get worked up for? Baliw. 

“Oh, I’m sorry if that sounded rude. I didn’t mean it that way, I just wanted to ask since–”

“Yeah, of course. Why’d you ask?”

“Ah, nothing. I just thought you and that girl that’s always on your stories–”

I cut him off again. “Ah, JC? She’s one of my closest friends,”

I let out an awkward smile because that was such a stupid answer. So fucking stupid that I almost laughed out loud.

One of my closest friends? Even a seven-year-old could come up with a much better lie than whatever bullshit I just said. 

But tama lang din naman kasi what else am I supposed to say? Tell him that we exchange spits every weekend?

Yeah, no.

We continued talking until the background noise became louder than whatever he was laughing about, it’s like my brain was piling up a list of excuses to break away from this conversation to jump on the nearest bed available.

Naibuga ko na yata lahat today. 

“Hey, it’s getting late, I should probably go home na.” I said, glancing at my watch. 

That was just an alibi because it was only what, like nine-ish? Gusto ko lang talagang umuwi.

Kailangan ko na mag-charge ng social battery ko. Tatanong-tanong din kasi tungkol kay JC. Ano, hanggang dito ba naman may anino?

He insisted on taking me home but I refused. Quota na siguro for now. Gusto ko na lang muna ng tahimik na ride na walang small talk.

We both leaned into a quick hug and thanked each other before pulling away.

This is nice. 

Not stressing out about someone feels nice.

But it felt weird for some reason. Don’t get me wrong, he’s okay. It was really more of a “there’s something else I’m looking for” kind of weird. Siguro dahil it was my first proper date in a long time? It’s too early for me to tell.

–

JC collapsed right next to me on the bed. All I could hear was our heavy panting and an R&B song that was coming from her laptop speaker. We were sweating all over — both of us were breathing in our mouths.

I turned to her as she enveloped me in her arms. “Fuck I’m—” I was trying to catch my breath so I tried to speak again. “Fuck. I’m tired.”

She kissed my forehead and let out a shaky, muffled laugh. “Same.”

I grabbed my phone to check my messages sana pero nakita ko na agad yung reflection ko sa screen.

“Tangina mo talaga, sabi ko wag muna eh! Or somewhere hidden at least!” I hit her arm lightly. Gago talaga. May pasok ako bukas and it’s such a hassle to use concealer!

“Cold spoon?” she asked innocently na parang batang iniwan sa mall. Akala mo hindi astang halimaw kanina eh.

I rolled my eyes at her and groaned audibly. 

“They never even work,” I sighed, accepting my defeat. 

Pucha bahala na nga. Nandito na ‘to eh.

JC pulled the sheets to cover herself — tanga lang? as if I haven’t seen a lot of her already. She looked so smug with that smirk na parang proud pa na napikon niya buong pagkatao ko.

I find hickeys hot. But I have classes tomorrow and it’s such a fucking struggle to cover it with makeup, so I guess I’ll have to put on a huge ass hoodie thanks to JC.

She moved around, trying to reach for her phone. I saw texts on her notification bar that she didn’t bother checking. 

Acceptable pa sana kung isang babae lang. Onting pang uuto lang yun eh.

But they were texts from different girls. 

Different. Girls. 

It was taking every fiber of my being to contain myself and not lash out on her right now but they should be the least of my worries.

“Do you sleep with other girls?” I blurted out.

Umayos ka ng sagot JC. Sasampalin talaga kita.

Her eyebrows furrowed momentarily — like she didn’t know whether to be offended or shocked — before her gaze softened. She looked me in the eyes before her voice cut through the silence. “No.”

Okay. I can finally breathe. JC is a lot of things, pero naniniwala ako sa kanya sa mga ganitong bagay.

“I told you, I don’t do it with other people,”

“Yeah. Whatevs,”

“Oo nga! I swea–”

“Save it. I believe you nga.”

Her arm was still wrapped around me while we were both on our phones. 

Shit, I forgot to reply to Jiro. Kagabi pa pala yung text niya.

It had been almost two months since the first date. He flew back to London pero babalik naman siya in a couple of weeks. 

We’d usually talk over the phone if we’re both free to call. Jiro is… I don’t know how to describe him. He’s okay? He’s a bit needy. I thought older men would be less clingy because they have their own shit going on but boy was I wrong.

He’d even call me out when he felt I wasn’t giving him enough time. I didn't want to make a big fuss out of it so I’d always end up apologizing. I really wanna see things through with this guy because that’s what we talked about before he left.

Kaso si JC eh. I have to figure out a way for us to get out of this setup... pero hindi na muna ngayon. We'll cross the bridge when we get there naman.

My fingers were hovering over my phone until JC muttered something na hindi ko narinig masyado. 

“What?” I asked, still busy typing.

“Boyfriend mo?”

Ew. I hate that term. “Just someone I’m seeing,”

“Why? Selos ka?” I teased.

“Seselos pa ako diyan? Sino ba katabi mo sa kama ngayon?” she fired back. 

Hambog. 

I was anticipating a joke from her, or any remark that would piss me off even more, but she just placed her phone on the bedside table and stared at the ceiling. She even let out a sigh that was barely audible.

I kept using my phone — or at least pretended to because I couldn’t help but focus on JC right now. 

That’s odd… she was unusually quiet. 

“What’s up with you? Pagod ka ba? Bigla kang tumahimik eh,” I tried to sound casual.

She gave a short, dismissive nod, then snatched her phone again. “Ano gusto mo kainin?” she asked, keeping her focus on the screen. Her tone was flat enough for me to notice that something in her energy shifted.

Her arm stayed put, we were still lying on the bed close enough for our bare skin to touch. I kept trying to talk to her, sumasagot naman pero she wouldn’t even throw me a glance.

Anong nangyari? Did I say something offensive?

Chapter Text

It was our finals week so the hallways were packed with students who were huddled together. All you could hear were frustrated sighs pero may mga ibang tumatawa na lang kasi sobrang nabobo raw sila kasasagot.

Everyone had just left the classroom because we had a three-hour vacant but Maloi and I agreed to stay inside kasi masyadong mainit sa labas. We had nothing else to do anyway.

“I know na. Tell me about it, secret lang natin,” Maloi said while zipping her bag, “Charot. No pressure,” she sat down, now facing me.

Oh God.

Oh God. Putangina.

What did she mean by that?

I paused for a second and blinked a few times. “Ha?” I tried to act dumb like my heart wasn’t about to jump out of my chest. I almost fucking stuttered.

What did she mean by that? Pano niya nalaman?

She leaned forward. “Nakita ko kasi nag-pop up sa screen mo yung text ni bebe boy while you were showing me a cute puppy video!” she threw her arms up, her tone sounded defensive like my lack of response = me accusing her of going through my phone or something.

Holy shit. I got scared. “Ah, ayon,” I faked a laugh to play it off, obviously masking how I was minutes away from having a mild stroke sa sobrang kaba. 

Whew. Muntik na ako atakihin sa puso.

It really is almost impossible to be sneaky when you’re around Maloi. Emphasis sa almost, kasi hindi naman siya nakakasense ng something samin ni JC… so far.

“Wala naman masyado, we just started seeing each other,” I said nonchalantly. 

There was also nothing interesting to spill anyway, so I didn’t know what else to say except for the fact that we’re dating.

Maloi sat there, scratching her head. “Ang pangit mo naman mag kwento! Hindi detalyado, sobrang showbiz!” she argued weakly.

“It’s nothing, really! Wala rin akong makwento na chika worthy eh.”

She sighed in defeat, leaning her back against the chair. 

—

I was rushing home by the time we finished the last exam. Mikha invited us to hangout sa bilyaran (of course, kasama na si JC) which I had to decline because I had plans tonight.

Maloi—being the horrendously down bad Mikha-truther she is—tugged my shirt papunta sa kung nasaan sila Mikhs. I had to physically restrain her because she was practically begging me to come. Yung uniform ko? Lukot na.

“Nahihiya kasi ako mag-isa! Sige na please,” she whined like a kid begging her mom to buy her toys.

“Loi, you can come naman with them kahit mag-isa ka lang. Hindi ka naman lalamunin ni Mikha,”

“Ay, sayang naman.” she said with a mischievous grin. Gago talaga.

“Saan ka ba kasi pupunta?”

“I have an errand kasi, I’ll bawi next time promise! Moment mo na rin yan oh.”

I had to bribe her by feeding her delusions and thank GOD those worked kasi I’m really running late.

I made it in my condo with literally 30 minutes left to prepare. I was stressing on which dress to wear that’s subtle lang for a dinner date, yung hindi screaming at your face  pero at the same time, unforgettable.

Buti I remembered I have this black dress that a certain someone—yes, I am not going to mention her name tonight—gave me. 

This was the dress I wore when we first—

Nope.

Let’s not go there, Kwin.

Tama na nga. Tangina. 

I am NOT going to think about her tonight. Yes, that’s the goal.

I need to enjoy tonight with someone else. I should be thinking about us and not the phantom feeling of that certain someone’s warmth against my skin.

I need to—and SHOULD—worry about the guy I’m dating. 

Not the memories I have with this dress and how she deliberately removed this dress off me like it would break me if she tugged too hard.

I should worry about Jiro. Not the girl I make… I have sex with.

Right. There’s another time for this and now is not that time.

—

I made it in his hotel room at around 9 PM. I told him we could just settle and have dinner here since I was going to be late anyway.

The door opened just as I was about to message him that I arrived. “Hey, babe!” Jiro smiled, his tone too relaxed.

Did I overdress? He looked too casual for dinner… bahala na, hotel room niya naman ‘to, maybe that’s why he didn’t bother.

“Hey, jetlagged?” 

“Feeling better now that you’re here.”

I laughed, shaking my head. Pretended I got flustered. I mean I am. I should be.

I followed him to the dining area where he had a romantic setup. There was a chilled bottle of red wine placed on the table surrounded by what looked like Mediterranean appetizers, scented candles that graced the room, and a faint noise of jazz instrumentals playing in the background..

“Wow!” I said, trying to be amazed. Well, I am amazed. I should be. He set this up just for me, after all.

“You like it?” he looked at me like he was waiting for me to say something else but I just nodded in response. “I missed you.”

I looked down, trying not to look him in the eyes. “I missed you too.” I hesitated.

Ang awkward puta.

“So, I wanted to talk to you about something.” Jiro said casually, his hands settling on my waist. “But we can talk about it over dinner. I like your dress, by the way.”

“Thank you, this was a gift from… a friend.” I almost rolled my eyes at my own stupidity. Quota na sa friend na yan.

We wasted no time and started dining. He’d lavish me with compliments every few minutes and I’d manage to give him a quick smile.

Which was absolutely killing me by the fucking way. My jaw was sore as hell, it’s already stiff from having to force that rehearsed smile every single time he’d run these flowery words past me.

It’s not that I’m fake about the whole thing, I just genuinely don’t know how to react.

We eventually landed into safer topics— films he watched during his flight to Manila, mostly. 

“It was this time-traveling thing,” he laughed, swirling the wine in his glass. “I did not understand anything, by the way. But it was cool,”

I played with a piece of cheese using my fork. “You always watch the weirdest movies,”

“They keep me awake!”

That got us laughing. For a moment, things felt… normal. He’d toss a joke, I’d toss one sarcastic remark back. The jazz in the room helped me relax. The wine also helped just enough to let loose and pretend nothing else existed but us two. 

But of course, he just had to shift somewhere else. The shift where someone suddenly remembers their agenda, that they had real life conversations to deliver. Somewhere that required more emotional labor.

“So, Kwin.” His tone commanded attention.

My stomach clenched so fast I swore I almost heard it. I know where this was going before he even opened his mouth.

“I wanted to talk about us.”

There it is.

I straightened up, “Okay,” I set my fork down.

“I really like you. And just to be clear, I haven’t been seeing other people since we started talking. I want us to be on the same page, to be exclusive.”

Exclusive.

My throat dried.

My brain blanked. Like actually blanked.

Exclusive?

Because of course he’d say that right when I’m wearing the dress JC gave me. 

Right when I was trying to clear my mind images of her, how her hands held my waist perfectly like it was made to hold me, her breath on my neck, the smirk I wanted to wipe out of her face by either slapping her or kissing her, that stupid laugh of hers I pretend I don’t replay in my head at random times.

I blinked.

Why would I even think of her? I don’t feel anything for her. Everything we had was physical, right?

Walang meaning. Physical chemistry didn’t mean feelings.

There was silence.

Static. Yung katahimikan na halos maririnig mo na yung sariling beat ng puso mo.

Tangina. Hinga.

React, Kwin. Say something. Anything. 

He looked so sure. So ready.

“Okay.” I tried to speak with conviction, but it wavered enough to scare me. It didn’t even sound like mine.

“Really?”

“Of course!” 

God, that sounded fake even to my own ears.

He leaned over and pressed a soft kiss on my lips, the kind that should’ve made me swoon, melt even. But it just made me feel… hollow.

We finished dinner with lighter talk and went back to whatever we were but my head was somewhere else. He seemed happy, and God knows I did my best to match his energy.

I laughed at the right moments, even asked the right questions. I kept nodding, smiling, just so he wouldn’t see how I was literally on autopilot.

Something inside me twisted uncomfortably. Like my chest was not so sure of its place anymore, like I’d make an impulsive decision.

Pero baka hindi lang ako sanay. This would go away eventually.

Does it have to anything to do with JC? Siguro. Pero wala namang meaning yon. People get used to things. We get attached to routines. Thinking about her every night doesn’t—

“Babe, you good?”

I looked up immediately like I wasn’t mentally checking out. “Yeah! Continue.” 

He continued talking but I’d just been in my own head the whole time. I was basically a moving prop.

Focus on him. Jiro is here. Jiro actually cares.

I made the right choice. This is stable. This is logical. This is unfamiliar, unfamiliar is good sometimes. 

JC is… familiar. But it doesn’t mean love.

I kept repeating that to myself but they somehow didn’t feel right.

Dinner wrapped up shortly after. “Stay the night?” Jiro asked softly.

I should say yes. Or something. Anything honest. 

But I just couldn't. Especially not while I’m wearing this godforsaken dress.

“I wish I could, but I have backlogs to catch up on. Rain check?” I said, trying to inject fake regret into my tone.

I stood up quickly like someone was after me. “Thank you so much, Jiro. Text you in the morning?”

He walked me to the door and I could see a trace of slight disappointment on his face pero he didn’t argue. “Okay. Good night, Kwin.”

—

The ride home was too quiet. It felt longer than usual. 

It was just a view of Manila lights… and thoughts of JC.

The windows were slightly fogged, I dragged my finger to give my hands something to do. Nights like this should have a strange mix of chaos and calmness, but for some reason, it just felt muted tonight. Like it was letting me wallow in whatever void I was falling in.

Ang lamig. The kind that sinks into your whole body. The kind that makes you hug yourself without realizing it.

Yung lamig na mapapaisip ka na lang bigla.

JC saying my name in that voice. 

The way she touched me like she knew every inch of me even with her eyes closed.

Her existence I should NOT be thinking about because I just agreed to be exclusive with someone I am actually dating.

I stared out the window, trying to divert my attention. I squeezed my eyes shut. Tangina, ba’t ba ganito?

She was just convenience. Proximity. 

But why does agreeing to exclusivity feel like I was walking right at my own death sentence?

Like I just swallowed a stone whole.

The moment I got home, I dropped my purse on the floor and collapsed right onto my bed. I haven’t cleaned my room yet, so nakahiga lang ako sa pile of clothes I picked out before I left.

I stared up at my ceiling like it had answers written on it, na parang it would make me feel any better. I don’t even know why I’m suddenly feeling this way. I should be glad, right?

My room was dim except for the faint light that glowed from my lamp. God. I just wanted to sleep.

Pero my dress felt too tight. My thoughts were too loud.

I tried closing my eyes but I opened them again five minutes later.

I can’t sleep. Tangina. What the fuck is happening.

And as if on instinct, I reached for my phone and typed out a message before I could even talk myself out of it.

Medyo bobo. Pero I’ll deal with my kabobohan tomorrow.

My thumb hovered.

Me: u up?

My phone buzzed almost immediately.

JC: yup, why?

Me: cant sleep. come over?

JC: omw

I didn’t fix my bed. Didn’t change my clothes. Didn’t move. Tried to distract myself. Tried to calm my nerves. Why am I anxious? Ewan. Hindi ko rin alam.

Just ten minutes after our exchange, my door creaked open.

JC stepped inside, wearing an oversized hoodie and sweatpants, hair slightly damp like she’d rushed out right after a bath. There was also this faint scent that trailed with her and it did not smell like her usual perfume.

It was something too girly of a scent to be hers.

Wala na akong pake. Basta nandito sa’kin. 

She sat on the edge of my bed, the lamplight illuminated her skin just right.

There was a smear of lipstick on her neck.

I sighed audibly but I didn’t say anything. I didn’t look too long. But it was enough for me to feel a slight pang in my chest, and I hated that I felt it.

Ego mo lang yan, Kwin. Ego mo yung nasasaktan, not you.

She didn’t speak. She just slipped under the blanket and encircled me with her arms, something she’d done a million times before.

I didn’t say anything either. I was too exhausted. Too drained to even ask her about the perfume that wasn’t hers, the stain on her neck, her eyes that were too red. I just wanted to rest.

“Tell me what’s wrong,”

“Hindi ko alam.” I said softly.

I curled closer to her, to her warmth, to the comfort I shouldn’t be seeking.

She kept caressing my back, even tracing lines every few minutes. Gentle. Patient.

Maybe it was the anxiety. Or the way she held me like she knew exactly where it hurts.

“Si Jiro. We’re exclusive.” I whispered. “I told him I’d give him a real chance. Na I’d try.”

“Okay.” she breathed out, her fingers still stroking my back. Less certain now.

Okay. Okay.

My chest tightened at the word. Parang ang daming ibig sabihin nung “okay” niya but at the same time, wala, yun na yon. Either way, none of them felt good.

I pulled back slightly, just enough to see her face. “JC, before I move forward with him…”

“Hmm?” she blinked, her gaze flicking down to my mouth, then to my eyes.

“I need to know where we stand.”

Chapter Text

The silence stretched between us. Slow. Heavy. 

Like the air itself was breathing, waiting, listening.

Her arms remained wrapped around me. The light that glowed from my lamp made everything soft and hazy, parang naging confession booth, straight out of a movie.

JC didn’t speak. She blinked slowly, like she was buying time. “Where we stand?” she asked, her voice almost careful na parang she was choosing each word as if one wrong move would make me crumble.

She stared at me— no, studied. Like my question wasn’t just a question. Like it was a subtle confession disguised as casual inquiry.

“I need to…” my voice cracked. Punyemas. 

Pathetic, I know.

“I need to know where we stand,” I repeated, voice a little steadier now.

JC blinked slowly, like she was still processing each word. Her thumb paused like there was a glitch in her system.

She exhaled, long and quiet. “We can be friends. I think we’d be good at that.”

Her words fell flat like it was the most obvious answer but they sounded harmless. Almost felt like a gentle tap, yet I couldn’t grasp it.

But I’d be stupid to not notice that there was also a tiny crack somewhere— I don’t know if it’s in her voice, or in the pause she made before speaking. I couldn’t pinpoint it, but I was sure as hell it existed.

Just friends.

Suddenly, everything felt too cold.

She went straight to the point but why did it sound different to me? Like she said it not because it was true, but because it was safe.

Bakit parang ayoko?

Pero I knew it wouldn’t be right.

So, like clockwork, I nodded too fast. “Yes. Friends. That’s good.”

For a split second, I felt relief wash over me. Kasi yes, finally, we’re making it out of the trenches. I didn’t have to be the one to pull us out of this hole, she said it herself eh. Friends daw kami.

But I know I’d be stupid if I denied the fact that there was something right under that relief. A stupid feeling.

That pathetic, quiet part of me—I’d shoved down each time—wishing she’d take it back.

Wishing she’d say something crazy like, “Just kidding!” or “No, I want something more.”

God. What the fuck was wrong with me?

She pulled away first. She never did that, not even during the times we had sex. That was… new.

“Okay.” she said softly. No smile. No smirk. Nothing. But I heard that tiny crack in her voice again. The one she tried to hide.

I forced myself to meet her eyes— which was a bad idea.

They were tired, faintly red. Not sure if it was because of whoever she was with earlier. Maybe from rushing over. Maybe from something else entirely.

But some part made it burn… and it wasn’t how tired her eyes looked.

It was the softness.

The kind people only use when they care without wanting to admit they care.

A beat of silence passed.

Then another.

She finally turned her head a little, just enough for me to see the small flecks in her eyes. “Para hindi rin messy for you, mahirap na,”

For me? I didn’t know if that made it better or worse.

I moved closer. Despite the fact that there was no more physical space left to bridge.

There was a moment where her fingers twitched, like she wanted to reach for my hand but stopped herself.

We stayed silent.

Not the peaceful kind. The kind that buzzed, parang may hum na hindi ko marinig but I could feel it in my body.

“Tahimik mo naman!” she laughed. 

She tucked her arm beneath her head and relaxed. There was a tiny smirk on her face I couldn’t quite read. “Oks ka lang?”

No.

Yes.

Tangina I don’t know.

“JC?” I breathed in shakily, a bit hesitant.

She finally looked at me. And God—God—why did she have to look at me like that? Like she’d say yes to anything I ask of her.

I wanted to say something but the question slipped out before I could stop it.

“Let’s do it one last time?” I whispered.

Mali ‘to. Sobrang mali.

Sorry Jiro, but I’m not sorry. Si JC ‘to eh.

This was going to be our last anyway.

The silence after that felt dangerous. I could see her chest rise sharply, like she was desperately trying to pull herself together.

Her eyes flicked down to my mouth. “Kwin, seryoso—”

I shifted closer before I could even let her finish.

I was about to pull away but then she leaned in. Her mouth was moving against mine. Again. 

Her lips collided with mine like it was all she ever craved. Her weight shifted against my body— familiar, electric, terrifying in all the ways that felt too good to resist even if this was wrong in every angle.

Her hand slid to the back of my neck, fingers tugging my hair just enough for a gasp to slip from my mouth. “Ah, fuck.”

She swallowed every sound I made with another kiss.

Deeper. Messier. 

Like she wanted to leave good memories of how her tongue tasted so good inside my mouth.

I gripped her hoodie and pulled her closer. Her mouth trailed to my jaw, then the edge of my throat, breath hot, lips dangerously slow.

“You taste so good,”

Her hand slipped up my side, tracing the curve of my ribs through my shirt. She did it slowly, like she was trying to relearn some parts of me. Her hand slipped from my ribs to my waist.

My patience grew thinner. I couldn’t wait any longer.

“You want it?”

“Yes.” I shuddered. “Please, love.”

She broke the kiss, pulling back just an inch. “Please what?” 

“Fuck me. Do anything you want with me,”

I sounded desperate and I just didn’t fucking care anymore.

Her thighs glided against mine and it almost sent me to a deeper frenzy. She moved closer with confidence, her hand finding the most sensitive part of me.

“God, you feel so right,” she gasped. 

Her fingers pressed the wet, sensitive line. She began circling her hand slowly, drawing out the pleasure.

“Fuck! Tangina JC.” I moaned. I was losing control and she knew it. “Insert it please,” I begged.

She inserted two, pressing deeper. “Look at me. I want to watch your face when you lose control.”

The pace escalated. We were both recklessly needy. I gripped the sheets, my head thrown back.

She was hitting me in all the right places. “Faster. Please!” I choked out. “Don’t you dare stop.”

“JC. Fuck. I’m coming.”

“You’re doing good baby.”

“Oh my, fuck!” 

The pressure almost made me blind. Everything was too good.

My muscles tightened. My legs shaked as her fingers twitched violently against me. 

That was it.

I was starting to convulse.

“God. Jhoanna. Fuck!”

I saw her pupils dilate. “Yes, baby?” 

“Ah, fuck.” 

I came.

It felt too good— the relentless heat of our bodies, the way my breath hitched every move. I couldn’t take it any more. The pleasure was too much.

I pulled back. My mind still clouded with desire I had almost drowned in. 

She leaned her head back against the headboard and pulled me in her arms. I scooted closer, buried myself against her chest. 

We rested for a couple minutes before I slashed through the silence. The tension. Or whatever this was.

“I’m gonna miss this,”

“Me too.”

There she was again. Like a fucking yes-man. Agreeing to everything I say.

I hated it.

It sounded like acceptance. It was surrender.

I wanted to tell her no, don’t just say that, don’t be too calm about this.

No, Kwin.

Hell no. Closure lang ‘to.

I have Jiro. I like him.

So all I did was lay still. 

JC pushed her hair back and kissed my temple. “Goodnight,”

She stood up slowly, giving me space. Distance. 

I wanted to grab her wrist. Her face. Whatever I could hold onto just so she’d sleep beside me.

But that would mean something, right? I didn’t want to send the wrong signals. It was just sex, after all. 

So I let her.

I let her walk toward the door. Watched her pause for a second. Watched her look back before shutting the door behind her.

She used to play with my hair after until I’d fall asleep… but not this time. Umalis siya agad.

Like I was just another girl she has fun with in bed.

Pero it’s true. Ganon naman kami sa isa't-isa, so I shouldn't care.