Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I look out of the window of my apartment in Paris and watch as Conrad walks off towards the subway station. You can see how tense he is and how much he struggles to hold it together. My heart breaks for him, and I feel terrible about what just happened.

I could blame it on the wine I had, maybe on the joint we all shared, on the nostalgia and the words he finally said that a part of me, likely my inner child, has always yearned for. But right now, I realize that it was wrong to get carried away, to let this happen. While the sex wasn't bad when it happened, I regretted it as soon as it ended.

I still cringe at myself, trying to find an out, fleeing to the bathroom with my phone, using the risk of a UTI as an excuse... only to check if I had received a message from the brother of the very man I just slept with.

That is a clear warning sign, isn't it?

Even though I didn't find what I hoped for, what I did find was the courage to have an important conversation with Conrad for once, and it turns out what I found wasn't the eternal love and infinity I hoped for, but instead I found... closure.

Conrad is now down the stairs, and so I turn away from the window and see my phone flash on the table again. I pick it up and look at the notification. It's a message from my mom. When I open it, I find a picute of myself. It was taken the summer I was probably 8 years old. I am in my bathing suit, standing under the outdoor shower at the beach house. I am grinning from ear to ear, not a care in the world. This was pre-Conrad me, the little girl that viewed him as a magnificent big brother and not as her prince in shining armor.

I see a little bucket and a flash of teal swimming trunks and blonde curls at the very edge of the pic and suddenly I remember the exact day this was taken... Jeremiah and I had dug out sandcrabs at the beach all day, until our moms came to get us. We were completely covered in silt, and as a last resort, even though it was getting chilly, they put both of us in the outdoor shower to clean us up enough to even let us into the house and the actual bathroom. That day stuck to me as one of the happiest days in my childhood, and like so many others, it has one name written all over it. Jeremiah.

I read the sweet words my mom wrote with it and shoot back a quick "thank you and I love you" message. Then I swipe back to the overview folder with all my chats and my heart sinks as my eyes glide over the list of names that show unread messages. There is Anika, Taylor, Steven, a few of my volleyball friends and people I briefly hung out with at finch, even Skye...

For one other name, I have to scroll further down, and it shows that the last contact in this conversation is days old. The last message I received from him was when he told me on the anniversary of Susannah's death that he was okay, and there are two messages with random every day stuff that I send him since that he never replied to. Taylor told me that he was busy with a pop-up dinner he planned, that was to up his growing social media as a junior chef that Taylor convinced him to start, to see what opportunities came from that. I messaged him to wish him good luck for that,  but there was no reply.

I wonder what happened... we were on good terms, and it seems pretty out of character for him to not message me for my birthday, even if its just a quick Happy Birthday GIF. I tell myself that he is probably still busy, and my birthday hasn't even officially started yet for him. But I know there is more to this.

Why do I even care so much, I ask myself? I just hooked up with his brother, and here I am, obsessing over the fact that he didn't message me for my birthday? I can't pinpoint where exactly this is coming from, but I think it has been ages since I missed him like this.

I wonder how his dinner went, and of course I wish him nothing but success. And I also know that he can do this and this is exactly the right path for him that he is on now.

I open TikTok, go to his account and see a video that shows him cutting up some herbs, in the kitchen in Cousins. I am startled, because I had no idea they were doing it at the house. The video seems to have been taken by Taylor. I see my brother stir a pot on the stove behind Jere, and there is the usual banter between the 3 friends. But then, I hear a 4th voice throw in a remark, almost drowned by the rest of them laughing, right at the end. I am pretty sure that it was Denise.

Of course I figured she would be there... her and Jere are obviously friends... they have to be after they have been roomates for more than 6 months at this point. I know that Taylor is friends with her, and she is Steven's business partner... But something about this makes me unwell, and I don't know what it is... the video starts playing again, and... there it is:

I see Jeremiah look up from his board, he smiles and winks at someone, but I can't see who it is. It's not Steven obviously, who is behind him, and it is not Taylor who is holding the phone. And then I hear Denise's voice, more clearly this time. My stomach churns because I know that wink all too well. Jeremiah has always been a flirt, I know that, but I also know his demeanor and his face better than anyone probably. And I have only ever seen that look on his face when it was for ONE person. And that person used to be me.

I feel like a stalker when I start to check out people's TikToks related to this event, but its mostly pics the guest posted... of the food, of the decoration, of the scenery and of course of Jeremiah, looking heartbreakingly beautiful with his messy, blonde curls, the tan accentuated by his white shirt, wearing an apron and a content smile.

In the wider angles, I see Adam, my mom and dad, Steven, Taylor and Denise, seated at a table or talking to guest, I see Redbird and a few of the frat guys carrying plates and wine bottles and my heart is full because they all showed up for him. He deserves nothing less. The only people who didn't care to support him were Conrad... and me.

My curiosity still not satisfied, I hop over to Instagram to check people's stories... those of the guest and the people tagged in posts, but mostly the stories of those who I know are close to Jere. Taylor posted a ton of stories, but they are pretty focused on the professional part of this. I know for her, this is part of her job and trying to build a portfolio just as much as it is for Jere, so I am not surprised. My brother has been his usual lazy self and hasn't posted anything, and when I go to Denise's account, I can see on her thumbnail that she does have active stories. I hesitate for a moment because this really feels weird. I am very aware that she will be able to see that I viewed her stories.

I tell myself, that it is okay though... she will know that I want to know how the event went and would eventually check out the content around it. And her and I started following each other around the bachelorette party anyway so there is no harm. I tap on the thumbnail and can see that she has a few stories that show the house and the beach and Jere in the kitchen, but the last pic I see is one of a fork that is stuck into a delicious looking chocolate cake, where it is still daylight.

That leaves me with the frat bros, who have been busy throughout the day as servers, and now I am starting to see stuff from later that night. Most of the guest left, and its just maybe 10 to 15 people moving around the pool, dimly illuminated mostly with candles and fairy lights now. It looks super pretty and warm and happy and I wish I was there with them. I wish I could hug Jere and tell him how proud I am of him and how much I love him.

I startle. Did I just think that in present tense? Is this real? Is this just me being homesick or the nostalgic feel of the beachhouse content? I am not entirely sure... but then, with Redbird's last story, I get my answer.

I see a wide shot of the terrace, taken from just outside the back door that shows the rest of the people that are gathereted there to celebrate Jeremiah.

On the top it reads "So proud of my friend! I love you buddy @ JereFish0930". Then there is about a minute of video footage of people laughing and enjoying themselves. At some point, I see Jeremiah in his white shirt and jeans walk around the table, towards where a girl is sitting with her back towards the house. Based on the pinned up, dark curls and the breathtaking curves in that black dress, it can only be Denise. Jeremiah puts his hand on her back and leans in... the video is from too far away and too dark to tell if he kisses her cheek or says something to her. Then, she gets up, and my heart starts racing as I see Jere sit down on the chair she was sat in. Then my stomach churns when I see her sit down on his lap, wrap her arms around his neck and then place a kiss on his lips. He wraps his arms around her waist, pulls her towards him and places a series of kisses on her lips. Then they pull away, look at each other and seem to smile.

I feel tears sting in my eyes and put the phone down. This is not me being homesick or nostalgic because of what happened earlier or because of seeing the pics of the house and my family and friends. That confusing feeling I could not pinpoint a minute ago is a mixture of love and jealousy. And regret. Because as sick as it sounds... it is now that I realize that I am still in love with Jeremiah Fisher, the man I left behind to deal with the aftermath of our cancelled wedding alone almost a year ago. The man I now realize is still the one for me. My soulmate, the person who used to be my best friend and my biggest cheerleader. The one person I could always count on to love me no matter what.

The man who I so badly wanted to think of me today... the man that I can now see has moved on. I know he deserves all of this, and Denise seems like a terrific person and he deserves nothing less, but it still hurts.

I go to the bathroom, try to shower off the dirty feeling that my earlier actions left behind, and then I go to bed. I crawl under the cover and hug my blanket and start crying. All of my life, I was told that Conrad was my infinity. And now, in this moment, it is crystal clear that he never was. It was never meant to be. And while I realize I was so close to it, for four years, that I almost had it all, and messed it up with my stupid doubt and insecurities.

I am crying over a person I claimed to have let go months ago, that I seemed to have moved on from... only to realize now, when it is obviously too late, I will never be able to leave him behind.

Chapter Text

"Thank you so much, Tay! You are the best... we totally rocked this", I hug my friend and kiss the top of her head, then I look at Steven.

"Steve-O... again, Thanks man! I don't know what I would do without you guys!"

Steven, Taylor and Denise stuck behind after the rest of the guest left and helped me with the clean-up. I have been getting a few fun little digs and encouraging elbows from both of them ever since they caught onto what happened in the kitchen earlier. Apparently they had seen it coming for a while and were happy for Denise and me that it finally happened, even with the crappy timing that we seem to have.

After the kiss in the kitchen, we tried to play it coy until later that evening, trying to be professional as long as the guest were around. But we loosened up a little bit when it was just friends and family, and the semi-formal dinner turned into a celebration. There were stolen glances and flirty smiles, and then, at some point, almost subconsciously, I took her hand under the table, shielded from the view of everyone, and linked our fingers. We looked at each other and smiled, and when we looked back across the table, I saw Taylor and Steven giving us a knowing and approving smile. From there, my eyes wandered to Laurel, who nodded her head, proud eyes and toasted me.

At some point, I got up to get a new bottle of wine, and when I was about to step back out, Taylor was standing infront of me, a teasing smile on her face.

"So you and Russo, huh? When did THAT happen?"

I could feel my face get warm, and I began to stutter: "Actually, just earlier today... I mean..."

I was very aware that she is Belly's best friend, her brother's girlfriend and that Belly's parents were sitting outside on the terrace right now with the girl I made out with. As giddy as I felt inside, it was also kind of weird. Even knowing that my brother was in Paris, doing god knows what to win back the girl that I was set to marry less than a year ago. I knew that I had every right to move on, and I knew that I found the right person to try, but it still felt weird with all those people around us that have ties to my ex.

Taylor put her hand on my arm to interrupt me and said: "Jere... I didn't come to berate you, I followed you to encourage you. This is a good thing. She's great, and you two fit together very well. You have every right to move on, and see what else is out there... nobody will hold that against you."

"She is right...", I heard a voice coming from the door. I looked up and saw Laurel.

"Jeremiah, you are such a light, and you have so much love to give... please don't think that you have to be stuck in the past. And please don't be shy to show it. You deserve to be happy, and we will all be happy for you..."

I walked over and hugged her: "Thank you, Laur. And Tay!" I said over my shoulder. I stretched my arm, took a deep breath and mustered up the courage to step outside. I made my way past Redbird over to the group. I put the new bottle of wine on the table, and then made my way over to Denise, thinking I might as well  do this right, now even with Laur's blessing. I put my hand on the small of Denises back and kissed her cheek, then said: "You got room for me there?"

She gave me a surprised smile and got up from her chair, still somewhat confused. I pulled her into my lap. I nodded my head and smiled at her, she wrapped her arms around my neck and placed a short kiss on my lips.

Around the table, there were quite some "awws", and "finallys" while I pulled her closer to me and placed a few small kisses on her lips. I whispered "We don't have much time left before your big move, we better not waste that with being shy...", we both laughed and held each other close.

Back in the present, Steven hugs me and says: "Anytime, man. Now go get your girl..."

He pats my back, gives me a reassuring smile and then walks to the car with Taylor to drive back to Boston. And with that, it is only me and Denise left at the house. I feel butterflies in my stomach, but I am also a little nervous.

I know I have somewhat of a reputation as the "hookup king" but... you might be surprised to learn that the person I lost my virginity to was actually Isabel Conklin.

While I had little problem when hooking up with guys and girls before her, it never went much beyond second base, and only ever to third base a few times. I always wanted my first time to be special and meaningful and not just something I crossed off my list of life experiences. And while I enjoyed the flirting and the kissing and the physical contact, I was always the one to pull away when things could have gone further before Belly and I actually got together officially.

When I confessed this to her, she was surprised by it too, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't at least a little hurt by HOW she had already experienced this. Not by the fact that she had, I am not a prude, but by the fact that I knew without her saying it, that it had to have been with Conrad. She said that we were in no rush, and while we had always been passionate in our makeout sessions, we actually both enjoyed a few months of anticipation until it actually happened.

I don't want to brag, but it turns out that a deep connection to one another and determination can make up for a lack of experience, and I am sure if you ask her... THAT part of our relationship was great from the start, and always was... until...

And I will also admit that apart from Belly, the only other experience with sex is a not so nice one, that I will probably regret for the rest of my life because of what happened afterwards. And because of the circumstances.

When I had my desperate phase after the wedding was called off, I quickly went back to my previous "flirtatious" ways... but with similar boundaries that I had back in the day. Kissing, physical touch above and maybe below the waist, THAT I was comfortable with. But not further than that.

So here I am, for only the second time ever, with a girl I know I am serious about. I know I am still healing from my breakup with Belly, but I feel ready to move on. And I know that Denise is a person I can absolutely trust with my heart.

I walk across the living room and see her sit outside, on a daybed, by the pool, looking out on the bay.  I sit down next to her and she lifts her blanket to let me slip under it. I take her invite and wrap my arm around her.

"That was pretty successful, huh?", she smiles at me, "I am super proud of you..."

"Largely, thanks to you...", I whisper, and then, trying to mask my nervousness, I lean in and kiss her.

She puts her hand on my neck and pulls me closer, then slides her tongue along my lip to demand entrance. I gladly grant it and we get lost in a deep kiss, that feels way more intimate than the one in the kitchen earlier.

Soon, I feel her hand in my hair and we both fall back onto the large cushion behind us. I get braver now, let my hand explore her curves sliding it over her waist, to her hip and then back up from there to her chest. Her breathing quickens, and her hands clutch to my shirt now, pulling the fabric. I let go for a second  and pull it off, and then I look at her, sitting up on the daybed as she pulls her dress over her head, leaving her only in her underwear. I admire her for a moment, and she is as breathtaking as I expected her to be. She lies down on the cusion and pulls me with her. We start kissing again and our tongues wrestle as we keep exploring each other in this new and exciting way, and as I lay on top of her, sliding my hand into her bra for the first time, I am very aware that she can feel my desire through the fabric of my jeans, pressed against her thigh.

After some time, she lets her hands glide from my chest and back that she had been caressing to my behind to press me into her. We both let out a deep moan, which encourages her to move her hand to the front of my jeans and my belt, first opening the belt and then the fly of my pants.

We still kiss as she lets her hand glide below the denim, over the fabric of my boxers, to push down the jeans. I take them off and we keep exploring each other with our hands, both only in our underwear now.

There isn't much to hide anymore. I know she wants me and I want her, too. When I press into her again, she slides her hand below the waistband of my shorts and gently starts to tug it, and then... I don't know what it is... for some reason, I freeze.

It's not that I don't want her, or that I think this is wrong, and I am very aware that we are on borrowed time right now... but this is too fast.

As much as I enjoy this and want this, it's too soon.

She realizes, then pulls away and looks at me, somewhat hurt. I immediately feel sorry, because of course she thinks that she did something wrong and that I don't want her. I can sense that she is about to pull away and get up, but I put my fingers onto her chin and gently land my lips on hers. I think I need to explain.

"D, please don't get any funny ideas and think I don't want to... because obviously I do... but maybe not tonight."

"Jere...", I kiss her again, and seeing the vulnerability in her eyes, I decide to open up to her and lay myself bare.

"This might surprise you given my ... reputation, but having sex IS a big deal for me. This is actually... before this, I have only ever had sex with Belly, and one time, when we were broken up during spring break and I was wasted, I hooked up with a girl in Cabo... but other than that... I have never... So this would be the first time for me... since... I want this, and I want it to be with you, but I think I might need a little more time... baby steps, if that is okay for you."

I can see surprise and awe on her face, then she smiles at me and says:

"Who would have thought... THE Jeremiah Fisher... with a meager body count of two..."

I blush, and then we laugh together. She lets her hand glide through my hair and then sincerely says: "It's okay, I get it. Thank your for being so open. And that actually flatters me a bit, that you feel I am eligible to be on that list. How about we just cuddle, and maybe look at the stars for a little while?"

I caress her face with my index finger and place a soft kiss on her lips.

"Sounds pretty perfect to me. Thank you for understanding..."

She smiles at me again, then pushes me over, lays her head on my chest and looks up at the sky. I grab the blanket, cover us up and wrap my arms around her. We talk about everything and nothing, gaze at the sky and kiss every now and then, and I can't help but smile. This is feels good and right, and I know I made a huge step towards finally moving on.

Chapter Text

„Happy Birthday Bells! Sorry, I'm a bit late, but it's been a crazy couple of days. Hope you had a nice birthday and it was everything you wished for! And thank you for your message about the dinner, it was pretty great 🤗"

I read Jeremiah's message that I received a day after my birthday again and my head hurts trying to read between lines, even now, over a week later. I am desperate  to find out what he is thinking... does he know what happened with Conrad, or at least that we are finally over for for good? Is he just talking about work or is he implying more? All I can see with this is that he doesn't seem to carry any hard feelings and that he is pretty happy.

I swipe out of the messenger app and decide to swipe through IG stories for a moment before I go to FaceTime. It's been a while since Taylor and I had time for a longer video chat, but we both commited to finally doing it today. She said that she has a lot to tell me, and maybe I can sneak in a few questions about Denise and Jeremiah.

I am not proud of myself, but I have been stalking the both of them in the past 2 weeks and I'm not sure if I am doing myself a favor here.

Jere has been posting a ton of content from the dinner, and his stories were mostly that too, and reposting a few posts and articles about the event. I am proud of how he approaches this professionally and how he seems to be really getting into his comfort zone here and I wish him all the best of course.

With Denise... it's a pretty wild mix of work stuff about her and Steven's business idea they are trying to get off the ground, and also some private glimpses that are pretty vague though. She has posted lots of food pics, and the setting and the plates and glasses were the same in most of them (what has become of me? Send help!)... which means it's likely she is NOT eating out but that these are homemade... which makes sense when you live with an up and coming chef. A lot of the pics seem to be lit by candles, and she throws in the occasional heart or heart-eye emoji in those posts. But since my stalking is a pretty recent thing I can't tell if she has always done this or if it's something new. I can see that she posted a few more stories overnight, and I brace myself as I open them. The first one is a pic of a TV and what seems to be playing looks like it's Pulp Fiction... which happens to be one of Jere's all time favorites. On the couch infront of the TV you can see part of people's legs and yes, I fire up my display to see more. It's 2 pairs of feet, one in pink socks and one in grey athletic socks... with the grey ones I see the leg of the Pyjama pants they lead into... which looks like a very familiar pair of pants that I might even have borrowed in the past. I think I am about to throw up when the next  story appears... a Pizza, one half with pepperoni, the other with pineapple, and two glasses of wine, garnished with a read heart emoji and a „👩‍❤️‍👨"

I quickly close the app and I wish I could unsee what I just saw, but most importantly: I could take back the thumbnail in Denise's notifications that she will likely see IF she checks those....

A call pops up on my phone and when I answer it, Taylor's face shows up on my screen. When she sees me she asks:

„Wow, B, you look like you saw a ghost! I know I don't have makeup on but I don't look THAT bad! Hey, by the way!"

I take a deep breath and collect myself and put a smile on my face.

„Hey Tay! How are you doing? Congrats on the dinner, I saw some of the stuff you guys did and it looked incredible! I had no idea you planned to do that in Cousins! It was perfect though..."

Her face lights up and she starts going on one of her Taylor rants, which was kind of intended, because I need a moment to collect my thoughts, and just listening to her seems like a good idea. She wanted to tell me some news anyway. So we will get to that first.

„Yeah, that wasn't the original plan, but our location cancelled on us the day before, and it's not super easy to find something fitting on short notice... Jere wasn't a fan of it at first because he hasn't really been back there since... you know..."

I know. I nod my head. Since the wedding. Since the day I ripped out his heart and tore it into shreds. I swallow.

„... but Steven, Denise and I put that together pretty quickly, even though Steven and I have been fighting for most of the day and that REALLY pissed Jere off... but anyway... that leads me to the news I wanted to tell you about..."

She takes a suspenseful break and I humor her:

„OMG Tay, what is it?!?", I say excitedly. I know she needs this, with the way she started this off.

„Denise and Steven have finally found an investor for their company, but there is a catch... it's in San Francisco. Which makes sense in a way because so much of the tech is situated there and so on... but of COURSE your shithead bother didn't tell me about it at first and I had to find out by overhearing Jere and Denise talk about it... and then we got into a fight, because we are living together, goddammit, and he felt like he didn't have to tell me that he and Denise would have to move across the country for this... anyway we talked about it, he said that he didn't want me to have to give up my job and my life for him. I said that he is more important, and so we made up. And now, we are moving to SF in about a month."

„Wow, Tay that's a huge step! I'm happy for Steven and Denise, but are you okay with this?"

And what does this mean for Jere - I want to ask but I bite my tongue.

„I am pretty excited actually. I am applying for jobs there already and the opportunities overall are better than in Boston when you work in PR, I mean it's Cali. And we are currently looking for apartments, but that is a bit complicated because the market it crazy..."

I take a deep breath and I think I might as well dig into the topic now.

„What does Jere say to all of this... I mean you guys are all pretty close and last time I checked, Jere and Denise shared an apartment..."

„I know that you know they still do, bitch, because she told me you are stalking her! What the fuck?"

Ouch. So she not only saw but mentioned it to Taylor. She sees my obviously guilty face and something there makes her soften up her tone.

„Before we get to that... you never told me what happened with you and Conrad... Jere said that he was planning on going to Paris for your birthday before going to his conference in Brussels, but neither of us heard from him since then. And you have been radio silent, apart from the stalking - I'll get back to that, don't get your hopes up - and something tells me it was not the happy reunion that Conrad had in mind?

I cringe, and then I say: „Yeah about that, he came here, I was shocked at first but it was actually a really nice day. We did a little sightseeing and then I invited him to the dinner that the gang had planned for me... we had a little wine, Celine and I smoked some pot..."

„Damn..." Taylor jokes „I hope it didn't hit as hard as the gummy on the bachelorette did"

„It wasn't that bad. We occasionally do this so I'm a bit more used to it, but I still think I don't make the best decisions and definitely shouldn't be doing that any more because we ended the evening at my apartment having sex!"

„You had SEX with Conrad? Oh my god! Belly, and then?" Taylor is shocked by that revelation.

„I regretted it immediately afterwards, fled to the bathroom and pulled myself together and then we had a conversation about wether or not that connection we had was genuine and something we could build on or just something that was rooted in the past and something we thought we owed to Susannah. He claimed that it was real for him but I told him that one, I didn't believe him and two, even if he didn't feel like this, it was how I felt. And then he left."

Taylor looks at me and is something that is pretty rare... speechless. So I continue:

„And that leads me to another topic... I then saw a bunch of birthday messages on my phone from all of you guys, even people I rarely talk to, and that made it so much better. But my confrontation with Conrad also lead me to think about Jeremiah and how dirty I did him and I missed him so much in that moment, and he was the ONE person who didn't text me and then I remembered that it was his dinner that night and I got curious about it and went down a rabbit hole..."

„Let me take a guess...", Taylor interrupts me, „that is where the stalking is coming from. What exactly did you find?"

I look at her guiltily.

„It was a video Redbird posted, from later at night. All of you around the table. I saw Denise sit on his lap and they kissed."

Taylor studies my face.

„So you are now regretting that you let him go and are trying to find out if he has moved on?"

„Yep. Pretty much. Now spill, Jewel! I know that you know"

„Look, B, you are still and you will always be my best friend. But Jere also is one of my very best friends and at this, point, so is Denise... I am not super comfortable gossiping about them... plus I am not really sure you want to hear this... but I feel like I have to give you something..."

I take a shaky breath and say „Try me..."

„Babe, I told you how completely crushed he was after you guys broke up. It wasn't pretty and Steven and I had our hands full. I wasn't officially living at Steven's place yet but spend most of my time there... he wasn't going to school, he skipped his online classes, he got up in the middle of the night to fire up the stove and cook random shit, he hit up literally any of our friends who set foot into the apartment, boy or girl, didn't matter. Then things with Adam escalated over Thanksgiving and he cut him off financially. We jokingly suggested that he could move in with Denise because she had more room than we had and honestly, while I felt deeply sorry for him... it was exhausting. We were surprised when she actually started to help him pack up his shit and took him in... but it seemed to really work for them. It was super weird... he suddenly had the urge to get his shit together to not get on her nerves, he got himself a job to contribute to rent... and Denise being the bad bitch that she is always kept him on his toes. Within a few weeks that moping POS turned into a well... still depressed, but functioning human being again."

My hear breaks knowing that I was the root of all of this. I let her continue though.

„And I don't know what happened... he's seemed to be good for her, too... like she is always super rational, kind of cut throat and sarcastic and doesn't really let people see her soft side... but you know Jere, he came in like a wrecking ball and tore that wall that she had put up down completely."

I smile, and I can feel tears well up in my eyes.

„Yeah, he does that. He's easy to love"

Taylor looks at me like she isn't sure if she should even keep talking, but I gesture her to. I think I need to know.

„Steven and I have been noticing pretty quickly that she had a thing for him, probably around after I got back from Paris... but she kept quiet about it because she knew that she didn't have a chance and the only thing she would get out of this would be losing a friend. He still had a long road ahead of him. I don't know what EXACTLY happened, but it was in Cousins... basically the night that you saw the stories... Steven and I saw them making heart eyes at each other and sneakily holding hands under the table. Steven says he had a feeling something in his attitude towards her shifted in recent weeks, and maybe I missed that but anyways I think what did the trick was that this was a bit of a „now or never" kind of situation with her moving to SF, too. When he realized that we saw you could tell that he was a bit shy about it... partly because so many people were there that were close to both of you when you were still together. I encouraged him to let it happen though, even your mom did, and I think what Redbird posted might actually have been right after that..."

I swallow the tears I can feel are building up. It's really too late.

„So they're together?"

Taylor sighs. I know she hates to see me like this. But the good friend she is, she will always be upfront with me.

„Kind of, they are super lovey-dovey right now, and enjoying the time they have together. I know that the plan is for Jere to stay in Boston, and of course there is never a guarantee that you can make it work long distance, but I can see them at least giving that a try..."

I nod my head. My heart is shattered, and I can't blame anyone but myself.

„B, if you wanna hear my advice... stop what you are doing there. It's not going to help you, or anyone. And PLEASE... take advantage of the fact that there is currently literally an ocean between the two of you and let him have this. Because let's be real, you had Conrad, and Benito... but the only person he ever got to love in his life is you. You got to experience what it is like to be in relationship, to be in love with someone else, but he never had that. But he deserves to. Let him be happy. Who knows, fate might lead the two of you back together at some point, or maybe it doesn't. Only time will tell. But right now...  accept this for what it is and stop the stalking. You will only hurt yourself if you keep doing that."

I am crying now, and Taylor looks completely helpless. I know she would hug me close and let me cry if we were in the same room right now but that won't work for obvious reasons.

„Does she love him?"

I can see how much she hates this, but she will never not be honest.

„She didn't tell me, but from what I see I'm pretty sure... yeah, she does."

I feel weird mixture of my own grief combined with happiness for him. He's the best, and he deserves to be loved more than anyone else. I have one last question though before I can let it go.

„Do you think he loves her?"

Taylor takes a deep breath before she replies:

„I don't think he is ready for that yet. But over time, I think he might."

I completely loose it after that, and because she doesn't know what to do, Taylor just sits with me watches me and says words of sympathy every now and then. We only end the call once my tears subside, not because I feel better but because I ran out, and I let her go. She must feel terrible, but I feel thankful that I have a friend like her in my life. I put the phone away and walk over to my bed. I don't even care to undress, but just wrap myself up in my blanket and close my eyes, trying to mute the thoughts in my head. I am so exhausted that it works surprisingly well, and I fall into a deep sleep soon.

Chapter Text

„That was..." Denise smiles at me dreamily, her head resting on my arm as she pulls on one of her messy curls... „... definitely worth the wait!"

I touch her chin and the lean in for a soft kiss while we are both naked and sweaty between the sheets of my bed. We look at each other contently.

It's been 2 weeks since that night at the house in Cousins where I confessed to her about my insecurities, and she has handled it like a champ.

We have spend almost every single minute where neither of us have been working, together, like you might expect with 2 people who have lived together for a while and then shift from friendship to... more than friends. I am not quite ready for any labels yet, but we are definitely getting somewhere. Not sure if you can call 2 people hanging out at home, eating, watching movies, cuddling and making out call dating, but that's basically where we have been at.

I would cook some kind of food, serve it to her, let her take and post pics and rave about it, and then we would clean up together and start a movie where we take turns picking, usually something we both have seen before so that it doesn't matter too much when we get distracted... distracted by kissing, feeling each other up and then proceeding to holding each other close and watch some more TV until it's time for bed. Which some nights, we might share one, and others not, depending on our work schedules.

Denise has been letting me call the shots on how far I was willing to go in those kinds of situations, making it clear that she wanted me, but also that she wanted me to get to a place where I felt ready on my own terms, without any pressure.

And to say that this was enjoyable is actually an understatement. After Belly and I broke up, I was SO sure that this was it for me, that I would never find someone again in my life where I could have a friendship AND intimacy, and that from now on it would have to be either or. Because what else do you expect after losing your soulmate? Belly was the first girl I ever loved and that I committed to, and before that, I had known her for all of my life. That is not something to move on from easily. And while I would not take it as far as saying that I am in love with Denise at this point, what I am experiencing is something that I didn't think was possible. Suddenly there is someone I can trust, with whom I can have honest conversations and be vulnerable again and then just joke the next minute. Someone who takes me seriously and lifts me up and supports me and who sees me as more than just a charming jokester with a pretty face and a decent body. And at the same time, those conversations can transition fluently into moments where you are done with the talking and just enjoy each other on a physical level... and once it's over you are still comfortable and happy around them and aren't looking for an out.

We have been pretty fluent in how we approached this after my confession the first night... the first kiss would happen naturally, sometimes initiated by me, other times by her. And then we would get lost in that for a while until our hands came into play... and at that point, I realized pretty quickly, she would let me take a step, for example touch pull on her shirt to take it off, and only then would she take off mine. If I decided that I wanted to slide my hand into the back of her jeans, she would see it as an invitation to do just that. And whenever I would stop taking it further, that was the boundary for that night. We would enjoy that for as long as we felt like, which would ususally be for quite some time - because why not? - and then at some point we would just hold each other close and watch TV until we got tired.

This might sound pretty boring in some way, but it is not when you are dealing with someone as fun and hot as Denise Russo. Plus there is plenty of things that you can explore without going straight to home base. The first couple of nights, we would go about as far as we did that first night in Cousins, before I then dared to take off her bra the next night and actually explore this part with my hands. Then after that, there would be kisses that would be more exploratory, while still remaining above the waistline... then exploring with hands below the waistline with underwear still as a barrier... today though, it was different. And I finally felt like I didn't want to hold back anymore.

We had been tiptoeing our previous boundary, which at this point didn't involve any clothes, and while I we gently caressed each other, we almost fell off the couch. Instead of letting this ruin the moment, I stood up, extended my hand to her, she looked as me questioningly and I nodded my head and took her hand. I lead her over to my bedroom and we laid down in my bed and continued where we left off. After some time, I reached over to my nightstand, pulled open the drawer and without interrupting the kissing, pulled out a condom.

„Are you sure?" she asked me, looking at me hopefully and excitedly.

„Yeah...", I replied, fiddling with the little packet in my hand, „unless..."

„No, no... of course I want this"

She pulled me down for another kiss and then things happened pretty naturally from there. I always wondered what it would be like to experience this with someone who wasn't Belly, in a moment where I consciously chose to do it, with someone I trusted and when it meant something... and part of me feared that it would feel like I was cheating. I am happy to report that it didn't. I felt completely safe and seen and comfortable and I enjoyed to let go and cross that final boundary that I had set up. And I can also proudly report that I did NOT get carried away, that I didn't have a flashback or compare her to Belly, which was another thing I was afraid of.

I get up, search for the wrapper of the condom and run to the bathroom to clean myself up, and when I return, she is still in my bed, looking slightly flushed, content and honestly a bit smitten. I can't help but feel a little proud. Denise Russo, bad bitch, always standing on business... and I did THAT.

„What? Admiring your work?", she scuffs at me.

I crawl under the cover beside her and place a short kiss on her mouth, then I turn to look at her. She is breathtaking at literally any time, but post-coital, messy , sweaty, naked and obviously content Denise might be my favorite version.

„Hey, this was a huge step for me", I fake enragement, „some people are working through their relationship trauma here"

She pulls me in for a kiss and then smiles against my lips.

„I think you did pretty well all things considered... Hope you enjoyed this as much as I did?"

„Are you kidding me?", I exclaim, „I thought that was obvious!"

I kiss her again, but she looks at me curiously now.

„No, I mean... was it different to..."

I look at her sincerely and say „D, please! I don't want to compare the two of you, I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings..."

„I asked you though. I'm a big girl... Let's talk about it!"

I look at her again, and I know if I say nothing, she won't keep pushing, but that's not who we are.

„It was kind of different... I am not doing the whole was better thing because I honestly can't... but I definitely felt like... You are more in control as in... you very much know what you like and you have zero problem taking what you need and showing me... kind of like you are in every day life, too. And I kind of like that. Not that I'm not creative or lazy, or don't like to explore, but I find it incredibly sexy that you know what you want and make sure you get it. For us guys, I know that it's always easy and we get off with pretty much nothing, but I know that it takes a little more for you girls... and it's incredible to have someone take the lead and make sure they are taken care of... and I think it also will be a fun challenge to come up with ways that are... unexpected"

„Beside being a little offended that you just said I bossed you around, I am really looking forward to that...", she laughs, „and just so we are even here... it definitely shows that your love language is physical touch, and you definitely confirmed that you are a pretty selfless and determined person... and I appreciated that very much."

We both laugh about that and just cuddle in silence for a while, lost in thought. Then she speaks up again, a little more serious this time.

„About your ex, not sure if you are aware of this, but I think she has figured this out."

I'm a little bit shocked by that. How?

„You think?"

„Yeah she has pretty much stalked my stories ever since that dinner in Cousins... not sure what gave it away. And then all of a sudden... it stopped. I am not a psycho who is obsessed with another girl and I don't say she is. But I was just surprised when it happened the first time because we never interacted beside following each other, and at first I thought it was about the dinner, but then it became a constant...."

Okay, that is weird. The dinner was around the same time that Conrad visited her, and from his behavior I had figured out that it did not go to his liking. And it's only natural that Belly would be interested in how the dinner went, she even messaged me about it... but this is off.

„When did it stop, just out of curiosity?"

„The other night, when we watched Pulp Fiction."

That is my first clue, she knows how much I love this movie. Denise pulls up her phone and shows me the pic she posted. On the bottom, below the TV, you can see our entwined feet, and then I realize that you can see the pattern of my favorite PJ pants. Pants I have had since college.

„Yep. She figured it out. She knows those pants."

We remain silent for a moment. Denise has her guard up somewhat now:

„How does this make you feel?"

I think about it for a second, and then look into her eyes and give her my honest reply:

„To be honest? I don't care as much as I thought I would. It has been months, I know that she was with someone else at least for a while, and I am honestly surprised that she isn't back with Conrad at this point. Part of me will always care for her, but she doesn't get to determine my life anymore. I really, really like you, D, and I want to see where this goes, and that is not Isabel Conklin's concern."

„You like me?"

„This is a joke, right?"

„No, I knew you did, but it's nice to hear it. And it's also nice to hear that you don't plan to forget about me as soon as I leave for San Francisco! And by the way, I really, REALLY like you too, Fisher!"

We smile at each other for a moment. This isn't an „I love you", and we are very far from that right now, at least when I am concerned, but it is still something. Then I say:

„Look, I am not saying this will be easy, but I definitely want to give this a shot and see if we can make it work long distance, no pressure though. If that is okay for you?"

She smiles at me, cups my cheeks and kisses me:

„I would very much like that!"

We kiss each other again, it gets pretty heated pretty quickly, and I think I might get to show her physically just how much I like her for a second time...

Chapter Text

"B, you got this! I know this is probably the most awkward way to make your return home for the first time, and I wish it could be different... I wish I could be there..."

I am sitting in my Uber from Logan airport to Cousins, where I am headed to see my family for the first time since I left to Paris, over Thanksgiving. I still had one of the gift vouchers my mom gave me for the bridal shower, and I was just missing my family too much to spend another Thanksgiving alone. My clarity about my relationships with the Fisher boys might have contributed to that too, but I was just a lot more focused on home and everyone here ever since Conrad... and I had to come back at some point.

What I did NOT expect was this being about the worst combination of people I could have imagined... originally, everyone, including Steven and Taylor was supposed to be there, plus Adam, Conrad and Jeremiah... but then Steven and Denise had a deadline about their startup that tied them down in San Franciso, and Taylor decided to stay, too.

So it will be mom, dad, me, Adam, Conrad and Jeremiah at the house. Which is kind of scary to me, facing Conrad for the first time since I turned him down. I was surprised he even came. But maybe he has had similar feeling about all of us as a family lately, and also he has as much of a right to see his family during the holidays as I have. It would have been nice to have Steven and Taylor as buffers though... especially with Jeremiah there, too.

If there is any plus to this, it is that at least, the first time I see Jere again... it will be only Jere, without his girlfriend.

Because yes, that is right. Jeremiah and Denise are real a couple now, Instagram official and all. Like not some vague stories with movies, PJ pants and emojis, but a proper feed post with a pic and tags and all that shit. That is also how I saw because I have stuck to Taylor's advice and stopped the stalking. But since we all follow each other, this popped up on my feed of course.

Taylor has mentioned it here and there, that Jere helped them with the move to San Francisco and helped Denise get her apartment ready, and has come to see them one time in the 2 months they have been living. Plus apparently Denise has also flown out to Boston once.

Jeremiah and I are still talking briefly, and he knows that I know, but we have never really talked about it and kept the conversation more surface level and random. He initally even offered to give me a ride from the airport to Cousins, but luckily it turned out that my arrival collided with his shift at work. Which was a relief because it would have been hard to decline his offer without it being weird, and at the same time, I would not have wanted to be trapped alone in a car with him for an hour right away.

"Thank you Tay..." I say to her as we approach the house, "Don't be surprised if I call you later to vent... I feel stressed. Goodbye, babe, and Happy Thanksgiving!"

The car stops outside the house. I look at it and take a deep breath, remebering the last time I stepped out of it, expecting to never be there again. I get out, the driver helps me with my suitcase and I tip them and then I stop for a moment and look at everything. The warm light is shining through the door even thoug it's just 11am. It is late November after all, so it is always somewhat gloomy. The door opens and I see my mom running towards me and we hug. I start crying immediately because god knows I can use a hug from my mom right now. Next person to greet me is my dad, who presses me to his chest, and it's the best feeling in the world. I have always been a daddy's girl at heart and he always had my back, even when things with me and my mom got complicated.

Greeting Adam is slightly awkward, and it only gets worse with Conrad. Turns out that none of the parents know that he came to Paris to see me, so they assume it's the first time I actually see him since the wedding.

We look at each other and share a brief, surface level conversation, before Conrad excuses himself, saying that he has a call to make with one of his mentors at Stanford before dinner.  I suspect it is an excuse to take a moment to himself. Which is totally fair. My dad brings my stuff up to my old room while I join my mom in the kitchen for an extended chat. Some time in the late afternoon, I hear the doorbell and my heart starts pounding. This has to be Jeremiah.

Adam goes to open the door and Conrad comes down the stairs as we all make our way to the hallway. Adam hugs his son, and my mom and dad greet him too, before I can even take a proper look at him. All I see right now is the familar blonde curls and olive skin with still an hint of a summer tan, and a black coat. I keep myself in the back, still somewhat shy, and then my mom takes his jacket from him, before he goes to greet Conrad. It is somewhat awkward when they hug, I don't think they have seen each other in person since before Paris, but they seem at least civil.

I now get a first real look at him and my insides melt into a puddle because he looks so good. Seems like he bulked up a little more over the past 15 months, which makes sense with his focus on good food and the very physically demanding job he has now. After he lets go of Conrad, our eyes lock for the first time, and not only does he look good... he looks happy. Which makes ME happy, of course it does. But it still stings that it's highly likely that he looks this happy not only because he found himself professionally, and that is looking good on him. He also looks happy because he found a person who makes him happy. And that person isn't me.

We both knew this was coming but are still taken aback. And on top of this, I can feel Conrad's stare on me, trying to figure out my feelings towards his brother. He of course also knows that Jere is taken now, so there isn't a risk that I hook up with him again any time soon. But he also still suspects that I might still have feelings for his brother, which played into me rejecting him. Conrad is a lot of things, but not stupid.

After a moment, a wide grin appears on Jere's face and he opens his arms as an invitation for me to hug him. So he was being earnest when he said no hard feelings, and let's try and be friends again.

I feel tears well up in my eyes, and before anyone can try and read my face, I close the distance between us and fall into his arms. He holds me close, and I melt into his warmth and breathe in his familar scent, that is still deeply etched into my brain. All I want is to tell him how much I love him, how sorry I am and how stupid I was for leaving him behind, but I say none of those things. Instead I just start crying and he holds me while I do so, and probably wonders why this makes me so emotional. After about a minute, I calm down enough to pull away, and I can see the adults in the room look somewhat confused about my outburst.

I collect myself quickly and we all have dinner and nice conversations. Jere is sharing funny stories about guest and kitchen anecdotes and is the light in the room. He radiates his usual warmth and charm, but there is something else there... a new sense fo self, a confidence... that suits him incredibly well. He has matured a lot through all of this, and if anything, it makes him even more attractive. I stop myself right there. I can not allow myself to think of him like that now. I have nothing to do with this new side of him, and I am only allowed to enjoy it from afar. He deserves this and I can't mess with it.

As per usual, Conrad remains mostly silent and takes the role of the observer. After dinner, Jeremiah helps my mom clear the table, and when I want to help too, they shush me out of the kitchen. My dad and Adam are currently caught up in a very boring adult conversation about something politcal, and I can't care to stay for that. So I wander around the living room and look at the pictures on the walls. There is one that I think is new, and it seems to be painted by Susannah. Not sure who hung it here. It shows Jeremiah and me at the beach, and it clearly depicts the day we were digging up sandcrabs.

Suddenly, Conrad is beside me, and he looks at the painting too, then expains:

"I found it in the garage when I worked on the house... mom painted this of the two of you and I got it framed for you as a wedding gift. It only arrived after you left, and when Jere saw it, he obviously didn't want it at the time and left it here. Laur then found it later and decided to hang it... it is what mom would have wanted."

"It's beautiful..." I say, tears in my eyes. Not sure how I feel about this with how things are now, but I know that, without his confession and if we had ended up getting married that day, this clearly would have been the most cherished gift of them all.

"I saw the way you looked at him Belly..." he says in a neutral tone.

"Conrad, I...", I try to find an excuse, but he interrupts me.

"It's really hard for me to grasp the relationship the two of you have, especially now when he is with somebody else. One would think that that the same sentiment of what you said to me, about how so many things are rooted in the past, and nostalgia, and a sense of obligation to my mom... would apply with him. But then..."

"Conrad...", I start again, "This is NOT the same thing."

I decide to lie to him then: "Whatever you think you saw... that must have been your imagination."

He nods his head, but I am not sure if he believes me. I contiue, speaking the truth again.

"He and I, that was always different. We always connected on a deeper level. He has always been my best friend, until he was more. And it wasn't just a brief relationship, we were together for four years. It is not a question that he will always be part of my life in some way, shape or form, even if it isn't always easy. This has nothing to do with childhood memories or a sense of fate that your mom claimed we had... it's just... there. And it is real. And while I feared we might have lost it after everything, I am starting to feel hopeful that we won't lose it completely."

He nods his head, somewhat understanding, but still hurt. I add:

"By the way, I never said I want to evict you from my life, I just feel that we should not be together romantically. I still see you as a friend... as family."

He sighs "Yeah, I think I might take some time to come to terms with that... goodnight, Belly. I'm heading to bed."

He turns around and leaves before I can say anything else. I look at the paiting for another moment, taking in the sweet sentiment, and then decide I need some fresh air. I open the door to the terrace, and outside, sitting on a lounger, I see Jeremiah, his phone in hand, smiling face illuminated by the display as he seems to be talking to someone.

Chapter Text

"So, it wasn't as awkward as it could have been? I guess that's a good thing!"D enise gives me an encouraging smile through my screen. "I know when you found out about that combination of people you feared it could be..."

I think about it for a second and then say: "No it wasn't, at least not with me and Conrad and not with me and Belly. I have no idea what went down between them though, because THAT was definitely weird. But I am not sure if I will ever find out, or if I even want to, what went down in Paris."

Denise laughs, and then looks a bit more serious, and I know what she is about to ask.

"How did it make you feel... I mean, seeing her again for the first time?"

I expected that question, and so I made up my mind about it before I hit call earlier. Of course Denise is somewhat nervous and insecure about Belly, and if I put myself in her shoes, I definitely would be, too. I was suprised by how emotional she got when seeing me, and I am not sure why... we didn't get the chance to chat one on one yet, but I will maybe try and find her and talk to her before I go back to Boston, just to clear the air. I know that she knows that Denise and I are together. Taylor also hinted that they talked about it, and I really feel like she is accepting this and is in some way happy for me. The amount of tears though... I didn't expect. And also, I would be lying if it didn't feel good to hold her in my arms again. To be her source of comfort. She will never not be important to me and part of me will always love her. But I also know that this is the past, and we both made the decision to try and move on, and I really feel that I am getting somewhere. I don't want to lie to Denise, because that is not who we are, but with her being across the country and my ex being right here, I also don't want to trigger any unnecessary insecurities when I am commited to seriously try with her. So I decide to tone it down at least somewhat.

"Of course it was emotional... I mean we have known each other our whole life and have always been friends... and I think that is really something we both want to try and get back at some point... it's complicated, but I think we can get there."

She smiles, and while I feel I was very sincere with this and I really mean it, she doesn't seem fully convinced. Then she says:

"God it sucks that I don't get to see you this weekend... especially since you will be so busy and can't come here anytime soon, and I still don't know if I will be able to fly out again before Christmas... airfares are crazy this time of the year. I really miss you!"

"I miss you too, D..."

She looks at me as if she wants to say something more than that, but she also knows that if she does, I am not there yet to say it back, and that is something that she is way too proud for. To tell someone she loves them and not have them say it back. Then I hear Steven holler in the background.

"Come on, Russo! Enough of the love talk, we need to finish this!"

"Okay, I gotta go! Happy Thanksgiving, Fisher! Bye!" She blows me a quick kiss.

"Happy Thanksgiving, D..." I smile at her and blow her a kiss too, then I hang up.

I put my phone in my pocket when I hear someone rummaging behind me. I turn around and see Belly opening the door, seemingly to enter the house again. She looks somewhat taken aback and I wonder how much of my conversation with Denise she has overheard.

"Hey Bells...", I smile at her and invite her to come and sit with me. Seems like we might get to have our one on one conversation after all.

She sits down next to me, and then says:

"Happiness looks good on you... I'm glad that you are doing so well..."

I look at her, and I see a million things in her eyes. I can see that she genuinely means it. I see an apology for the hurt she knows she caused me, a ton of other things that are still left unsaid and might be forever, and to my very shock... I see love. And suddenly, I feel sorry for how she probably heard me being sweet with my new girlfriend.

I know that she knows, and that she has talked to Taylor about it, but Taylor never mentioned how she actually feels about the fact that I am moving on, albeit she herself has tried to. And at the same time I know that none of this is my concern. She was the one who decided to stay in Paris instead of working things out like I suggested.

She seems to have seen how uncomfortable I am, and quickly says:

"Don't worry Jere, I mean it. It is good and healthy, and from the little I know her, Denise seems like a great person... I am sure she is keeping you on your toes."

I can't help but smile, because she is spot on.

"Yeah, she really does..."

I study her face, but she is pretty guarded right now.

"So how is Paris treating you? You look... different... so cultivated. I like the haircut."

It is true... she looks more mature, more confident and more herself, apart from the vulnerability that still confuses the hell out of me. And if anything, she looks even more beautiful.

"It was a struggle for the first 8, 9 months. But ever since I got my own apartment, got into the graduate programme at Sorbonne, and started my internship... it feels like I am actually doing something beside floating around, trying to find myself... if that makes sense..."

"Yeah, I understand... I guess it was the same for me."

We remain silent for a second. I decide I might as well rip off the band aid and satisfy at least as much of my curiosity as she is willing to.

"I know Conrad came to see you... He never said anything to me, but the two of you didn't seem to be exactly on the best terms. I am honestly surprised by that."

She swallows hard and takes a deep breath, trying to comtemplate what to tell me.

"To be honest, I was kind of shocked when he showed up on my doorstep, because that postcard I send him with my address, that was polite at best and not an invitation."

We both chuckle at that. Of course my brother in his delusion and arrogance would assume it was.

"But I felt bad after he made the effort to come to just send him off, and I actually showed him around the city. We did one of those hop on/hop off buses, you know... and then I took him to a dinner with my friends that was planned anyway."

"That sounds kind of nice actually, I have no idea why he is so uptight after that.."

I can see her hand shaking and her collecting herself. That is when I know it's bad.

"I think that has to do with what happened afterwards... and I am not sure how much I can tell you without hurting you."

"Hit me...", I say, taking a deep breath... bracing myself.

"With the dinner we had quite some wine, and my friend Celine brought some weed..."

"ISABEL CONKLIN...", I smile, "the person who always gave me shit about this... how did THAT work our for you?"

I can't help but joke about it because that little hypocrite...

"Not very well...", she sighs and then looks at me guiltily when she says:

"... because I ended up taking him home and we had sex."

Oooof. I didn't know what I was expecting, but hearing her say it still feels like hitting a brick wall. Not sure how much of this shock actually showed on my face, but I collect myself quickly.

"Aaaaaand... I take it that didn't go very well... given what I saw today..."

I turn to look at her again, and she studies my face. I can see the pain in her eyes. And I feel some of it, too.

"I regretted it right after it happened... I went to the bathroom and tried to catch a break, and then I faced him with a conversation on WHY he claimed that he loved me, because in the end, he didn't really know adult me... I feel the person he was actually in love with was 16 year old me, a person who he dated for 6 months in high school... and also how maybe he felt like he owed it to your mom, because you know..."

I look out on the pool again, when I remember.

"When she said that you would end up married to one of us, she always implied it would be him."

I swallow my tears. So much pain, so much confusion... and yet, all of us are still here, sad and heartbroken.

"Exactly...", she sighs, "Of course he claimed that none of this was valid, but it seemed valid for me... and I said to him that this was what I thought I felt... the part about Susannah..."

A single tear escapes my eye. So NOW she realized that what she felt for him wasn't actually love, but like she was breaking a promise that she gave to my mom before she died. Why did it take her so long? Why didn't she realize sooner... because we could have been married for over a year and living our life together happily if she had... I know better than to say any of this to her now because I know that guilt and I have felt it before... how it feels if you feel like you have broken a promise to someone you love, who is no longer with you and who can't tell you that it's okay...

I quickly wipe away the tear, and as I do, I realize that maybe this is for the better. If we had stayed together, we likely would have repeated this over and over again, one of us doubting their own feelings or the other's, Conrad feeling like a martyr and pushing everyone away. I am in a good spot now, I have found my passion, I am with someone who deeply cares for me and who makes me happy, and maybe, if we all let go, her and Conrad can find a person like that, too. And maybe, just maybe, we can all be friends again... family...

I look at her, and I see that she has been crying, too. And then I say:

"Belly, maybe it's for the best. We can't keep doing this over and over again, and one of us will always be left hurting... maybe it is a good thing that we can all move on, and find our happiness outside of this triangle..."

She swallows hard, then nods her head. I don't know why, but I have a feeling she is about to break down. So I do what I always do... I open my arms and embrace her. I hug her close and let her cry. And while she does, I shed a few silent tears, too.

Chapter Text

It's only a few weeks later in Cousins, but I am already back to celebrate Christmas with my family. I had not planned for this initially, but then I received an offer from my professor that I could hardly refuse and that will greatly impact my future, and so it kind of made sense to combine that with some more time with my family.

I will admit, that it would have been kind of sad to spend another Christmas more or less alone in Paris anyway, even though I still find it hard to navigate being around everyone. Not everyone really, but Conrad and Jeremiah to be specific. Conrad remained quiet and somewhat hostile before we both left the Sunday after Thanksgiving, but we somehow managed to be around each other. And Jeremiah... he was in and out because he also had to work, but after our talk on the frist night, and both of us crying together, we manged to be around each other just fine. If you don't take into account that I really had a hard time hiding how he actually made me feel... ESP and all. Because he has always been able to read me like nobody else, I really had to make sure not to let my guard down too far with him.

I would be lying if I said that hearing him being sweet with someone else on the phone didn't hurt. That tone had always been reserved for me and for me only and suddenly... it wasn't. I did notice that they only said "I miss you" and not "I love you"... but I also noticed the little break though where it seemed like Denise wanted to say more but didn't dare to. It was too dark to read his face in that moment, but I think he was panicking a little bit, and it wasn't because he was aware of my presence. I tried to sneak back in without him seeing me, but of course he noticed.

The conversation we had was really productive, too. And while it was hard for me to be open about what happened with Conrad, I was relieved afterwards. Because whereever the path may take us, at least there is no more secrets that can mess things up. At least not when it comes to my relationship with Conrad.

I am still struggling with my feelings for Jeremiah, but I keep reminding myself of how what he said was actually true - maybe all of this IS a sign that we need to find our happiness seperately, to at least keep the friendships we had all of our lives. And I want nothing more than that. If I am sure of one thing, it is that I can't imagine my life without him in it. And if it's just as a friend, then so be it. Even if it might take some time to give up on that other side completely.

So here I am, on Christmas Eve, helping my mom and dad with the deocrations until the others arrive. Conrad bailed on us this time, using work as an excuse. Not sure if that is actually true or if he is just avoiding us... or me... again. The others though... that will be Adam, Steven, Taylor and Lucinda... and Jeremiah and Denise.

Taylor, Steven and Denise should have landed already, and Jeremiah is supposed to pick them up from the airport any minute now. Steven and Taylor will stay here until the new year, but Jere and Denise will split their time between us and Denise's family in Boston, who already welcomed Jeremiah last year when they were just roommates and from what I heard he really hit it off with her "grangran" in particular.

While I could not be more excited to finally see my best friend again, I am nervous about how I will be able to handle Denise... and how she will act around me with both of us knowing I obviously stalked her just a few months ago.

Lucinda, my mom and I are decorating the table while Adam and my dad decided to move around the already fully decorated tree for a reason unbeknown to me.

Soon, I can hear a key and then the front door opens to the chatter of people and I take a deep breath because I know they just arrived. Before I can gather my thoughts, I see Taylor fly towards me.

"Oh my god, B, I missed you so, so much!" she hugs me tight and almost strangles me, but I bet that my hold of her is just as tight. Steven wraps his arms around both of us and kisses my head.

"Hey little, sis... long time no see! You look good!"

After that, we let go, and Jeremiah, bless him, closes the distance between us and gives me a short, but tight hug, very much making sure that it's not too cozy though. When we let go, Denise and I look at each other, and I can see that she has been studying us. I put on my best smile, and I will myself to actually mean it. Then I walk over to her and we hug each other kind of awkwardly, the kind of hug you would give to someone who you don't know very well, but who you know is close to someone YOU are close to.

"Hi Denise, good to see you again...", I say.

She replies with a short "Hi Belly, Merry Christmas."

Taylor immediately ropes me into a conversation with all kind of life updates and Jeremiah goes to the kitchen to help my mom and Lucinda with dinner. Steven and Denise have some kind of probably highly important business talk with their fomer boss, Adam, that my dad gets roped into, too, even though a history professor probably has very little to contribute.

Once dinner is served, we gather around the table and there is lots of cheerful chatter. I end up sitting opposite of Jere and Denise, and while they try to not be overly touchy-feely, there are always sublte touches and glances and hands holding... as it is to be expected when you are into someone and don't get to spend a whole lot of time with them. I can recall that feeling very well... back from when I dated Conrad long distance and we all got together for the holidays. And while I was aware of how Jeremiah must have felt terrible seeing us together, I only now realize how much it must have hurt him to see us like that. I remember that I was trying to keep Conrad and his PDA at bay, and I know that he is doing the same... but some things happen out of reflex. I try not to stare at them and to make him uncomfortable, because there is one important difference... while he had every right to be upset about Conrad and me at the time, I don't think I have the right to act hurt over this. Because this is on me. If it wasn't for my stupidity, we would not be in this situation right now, but we would be married and doing god knows what. And even if I had been ready to talk to him and to work things out with him like he begged me to... it would be me sitting there, holding his hand, and not Denise.

Jere also talks about his job, and how he recently got hired by a pretty high end restaurant in Boston on a one year contract for an on-the-job training. He is finally attending culinary school for real, and working reduced hours in their kitchen, which is a huge deal for him. But that also means that he and Denise will not be able to change anything about their living situation anytime soon, even if they wanted to.

Denise looks at him with a proud smile though: "This was an incredible chance, and even if this takes away a lot of flexibility... there is no way that he would NOT have taken this."

I congratulate him on this too, and I mean it. This is fantastic. And the added bonus for me, selfishly, is that he is NOT moving to the West Coast anytime soon. Because...

At some point, Adam asks me:

"Dont’t get me wrong Isabel, I am glad that you are here, but you have been flying back and forth a lot lately... For how long are you planning to stay in Paris? What's your plans?"

"Actually", my mom and I look at each other conspiratorially... her and my dad are the only people who know about this so far, but I intended to tell everyone tonight anyway.

"... you will have me back here in the US pretty quickly, not too far from here..." I smile before I continue to explain:

"Part of the reason why I am here is because I had a meeting with a professor at Harvard."

Everyone looks at me positively shocked, Isabel Conklin at Harvard! My brother looks like he might have a heart attack.

"I have been working as an assistant for one of my Professors at Sorbonne, and she is doing a research project with a professor at Harvard. My main job is to keep track of the communication in French and in English and make sure nothing got lost.

Chapter Text

When I sit at the dinner table, I see Belly look at Denise's hand on top of mine. And I can't help but wonder... is that what I looked like, that one Thanksgiving when I was 17, and she was dating Conrad? The pain in her eyes confuses me... is this just nostalgia or is there more to this? She looks up and sees me look at her, and then quickly turns to Taylor next to her.

For a second, I feel like she is feeling the pain in that moment that I felt back then, but that can't be... and yet.. I can recall how she pulled her hand out from under Conrad's in that moment, and much to my shock... I have to suppress the same reflex.

I know that this should be okay, and that it is not supposed to feel weird... and yet it does.

Pretty quickly, the moment passes, and I don't think that Denise noticed since she was busy bickering with Steven across the table.

After that, my eyes keep straying to Belly every now and then, but I don't catch her doing this again. And then... I realize that I can't tell if what I feel is relief or disapppointment that she doesn't.

Then, I share my huge news excitedly, and I am in awe when I look at Denise and see the pride in her eyes. I am not sure if I would be where I am today without her, professionally and personally. Before I moved in with her, I was bouncing around, not sure what to do with my life, but... I don't know if it was the wakeup call of my dad cutting me off (which I kind of get now) and Steven basically kicking me out (I was a total pain in the ass, so no hard feelings), or if it was Denise's drive and determination rubbing off on me quickly... within weeks, I started to pursue this new career and really commit to that. It was hard work, and I busted my butt off to be able to contribute to rent and other living expenses without my dad as a safety net, which is rewarding all in itself. But I think what really made a difference was to see someone like Denise treating me as her equal, and not somebody who was "less than"... like I experienced so often in my life. And seeing how far I have even come from there, to not only see her respect me, but look at me with adoration... knowing that this is something I earned all on my own... feels incredible. Of course I can see everyone being excited, and looking at me with pride... but from Denise, it hits different. Even different from Belly. Belly was the only other person in my life who ever really evoked that feeling in me, at least as long as Conrad wasn't around. But then again, with her... I had known her for all my life, and it didn't feel as "earned"...

Shortly after that, it is Belly's turn to share what brought her back to Cousins so shortly after Thanksgiving, and I am so, so proud of her. Just like me, it took her quite a while to find herself and what she wanted to do with her life, and there had been twists and turns for her, too.

I can still recall our conversation when we visited Finch together and how she felt the only thing she was good at was volleyball, and she would never be an academic achiever like Steven was. Then she actually got into Finch on her volleyball scholarship, only to loose ist soon after because of her injury. We haven't talked about her time in Paris too much at this point, but it felt kind of similar to my first few months after the wedding, when she didn't get into her study abroad programme, but decided to stay and work multiple jobs that didn't actually further her in that moment. What a blessing though, hearing this, that she had it in her to graduate online.

I would be lying if I didn't admit that something within myself is excited to have her close by again soon. She has always been my best friend and the person who understood me best, and selfishly, even if it is not as romantic partners anymore, I am excited to see if we will be able to rebuild that. Especially now that the people I have been the closest with ever since she left me are 3 time zones away.

I look at Denise, and I can see that she is trying to study me, and while I am obviously excited and start making plans, I am trying to be very specific about how all of there plans involve public places and other people, so that she doesn't get any funny ideas..

Later, when we are in bed and finally alone, I can see Denise study me. I see in her face how deeply she cares for me, but I also can see a glimmer of insecurity, which is pretty rare for her.

"So Belly is moving to Boston, huh? I did not see this coming..." she adresses the elephant in the room.

I know that I have to tread this carefully. If roles were reversed, I don't even want to think about how insecure this would make me feel. I know that Denise has a much healthier self esteem than I do, but I with all of this being so fresh, I can see why this is giving her a sour feeling.

"Yeah, that is huge for her. And this is definitely something she can't decline. So weird that out of all schools, it had to be Harvard though. But then again, they are among the ones with the highest international reputation, so..."

"You know that this is not what I mean...", she says, still looking at me curiously.

"I know, D, and all I can say to that is that I understand how this is weird for you, especially now that we had to go long distance so shortly after getting together. But nothing has changed really, at least not for me. You know this family, and we will always be connected, and to some extend, she WILL always be a part of our lives unless we decide to ditch my family. And I can tell you here and now, even if we are a screwed up bunch, I love these people and that is not going to happen."

We both laugh a little to that, and then I take her hands and look into her eyes: "I can tell you though that the only way I intend to reconnect with her is plotanically and NOT romantically or, whatever. I think it is the best for all of us if we let that rest."

In her eyes I see that she wants to reply to that, that she is happy to hear that, but that she is not completely sure that this is what Belly feels, too. And I am glad that she leaves this unsaid for now. Before she can, I land my lips on hers, in hopes to reassure her, and maybe myself a little, that it is all going to be okay. I feel like Belly and I might be getting somewhere as friends again, and beside my relationship with Denise, I also don't want to risk that.

Denise pulls me in and plays with my hair behind my ear, then starts to deepen the kiss. I gladly enjoy the sweetness of this connection as our tongues wrestle, and pull her closer to me. Except for my first year at Finch, I have been used to always be somewhat physically close to the person who I am dating, so it has been a challenge to me, physical touch being my love language, to not be physically close to Denise. I enjoy the sweet touches and her warmth against me, and I quickly get carried away, showing her just how much I have missed her in those weeks that we didn't see each other. I enjoy the feel of her hand as it glides under my shirt on my back, gently stroking it. Then, she pulls me over so that I am half on top of her, and then slide my hand below the hem of her shirt, too, up her waist to her chest, as I move my mouth over to the crook of her neck.

A moan of pleasure escapes her mouth... and suddenly I freeze. I can feel her tense under my touch, clearly confused and somewhat frustrated that this came to a halt. But all I can think of in that moment is the wall behind the head of my bed and who is lying on the other side of that, the head of her bed facing the same wall. Back when Belly and I were together, we have been intimate in this house for numerous times, and while we tried to keep the noise level at bay and be sneaky about it, our family likely knew what was going on. But now... her on the other side of the wall, and me... here... with someone else. What if she just heard this? We are trying to be friends again, but she would not even have to be eavesdropping to hear what is happening, given the acoustics of these two rooms... Of course she will likely be aware of the fact that Denise and I are beyond the stage of hands holding... but with her reaction to THAT earlier I feel it would be kind of cruel to expose her to the certainty that I am having sex with someone right next door.

Denise being her usual smart self, she immediately clocks me. She points to the wall behind us and says... "That is HER room, right?"

"Not only that..."... I sigh, "her headboard is right up against the same wall. Back when we were still spending all summers here together as a family, we would talk through that wall or do morse code on it when we were supposed to sleep and even later... I can ensure you, unless she is already asleep, she can hear everything..."

"And you find that weird?", she asks me.

"Yeah, I mean... I know that it techincally shouldn't be my... our concern, but..."

"What if I try to be reeeeeeally quiet?", she asks me with a cute little pout, "I missed you like crazy, and I am only in town for a week or so and then..."

I contemplate that, because of course she is right and of course it sounds tempting, but then I can't help but put myself in Belly's position and I realize just how much I would hate it if she....

I smile at Denise and say apologetically: "I'm so, so sorry D, but if I put myself in her shoes... that would be too much information... plus when have you EVER been one to shut up?"

She laughs at that with a mischief: "With you? Probably never?"

I place another kiss on her lips and say:

"We will be out of here by tomorrow, and then we will sleep at my apartment for the rest of the week, and I PROMISE I am going to make it up to you then... just... not tonight?"

"Deal", she says in a much softer tone now.

I kiss her again and pull her close to me, and she wraps her arms around me. With my free hand, I turn off the lamp on the nightstand.

"Goodnight D!" I whisper.

"Goodnight, Fisher." She replies softly.

I kiss the top of her head again and we hold each other close until we drift off to sleep.

Chapter Text

We sit around for a while longer after my talk with Denise and when I hang with Taylor, Steven, Jere and her, I quickly realize that those four have been quite a unit ever since I took off to Paris. And I really can't blame them. Steven and Denise already were good friends and had decided to start a business before the wedding, Taylor is Steven's girlfriend, so it is actually great that Taylor and Denise have become friends, too. I don't even want to imagine the level of drama if they weren't. Steven and Jere have been the best of friends ever since we all were kids, and got even closer when Jere and I started dating. So it's kind of natural for him to form a friendship with Denise, too.

And getting to know her a little more, I can totally see why Jere would fall for her. Besides obviously being beautiful, she is smart, has an excellent sense of humor and is super nice. I also see the way she looks at him and of course I understand. He's a catch in every sense of the word, and if anything, he just keeps gettin more attractive. So I can't blame her, and at the same time, I can't blame him for wanting to be with someone who looks at him the way she does. Like he's the only guy in the world for her, like everyone else disappears when he smiles at her. And I can see his eyes light up even more when she looks at him.

And I know why. This is exactly the way he always hoped I would look at him. The love, the admiration that he thinks he saw when I was looking at Conrad. But he was wrong. I never looked at him with less love or admiration than Conrad, in reality, it was probably more. The thing he mistook for longing was probably pain, or the anticipation of pain. With Conrad, the next insult or the next hurtful comment or action was always right around the corner. With Jere, I always felt safe and happy and like myself, not like I was trying to appease someone I never would be enough for. I only realized when it was too late that THAT is what love is about. Love is about belonging together and not about longing for someone. I wish I had understood this before we called off the wedding and I could have explained it to him then... but now it's too late and I am sitting here, watching him being loved by someone else.

I feel like a fifth wheel with those two couples who are obviously close, and I just want to get out. So I fake a yawn and stretch, claiming that I am super tired and head to bed.

I take my time with my skincare routine and brushing my theeth, and then I slide between my sheets. Still wide awake and without any hope to fall asleep soon. My mind keeps racing with excitement over the prospect of being close to Jere again, even if it is just as a friend, and also at the professional opportunity this poses for me, of course I am excited abou that. I never expected to see the inside of an ivy league school as a student, and the thought of calling myself a Harvard graduated psychologist is more than anything I could ever have dreamt of.

And yet, this future psychologist is still avoinding her own feelings, because she thinks she has to. Not only thinks so, but actually has to. I have caused so much damage already to the boy I love so much that I simply have no business to mess with his feelings again. Not now, not ever. He deserves to be happy, he has someone who makes him happy and I am lucky to even get his friendship back.

Outside in the hallway, I hear the other four now talking, saying goodnight to each other and taking rounds in the bathrooms. Suddenly the panic sinks in, because I am very aware of the fact that my room and Jere's still share a wall, a wall that the heads of both of our beds connect to. My mind flashes back to late night conversations and morse codes when we should have been asleep and my head explodes with all of the things I might hear tonight. Because it's not just him in that bed tonight, it is him and his girlfriend... the super hot long distance girlfriend he hasn't seen in weeks.

I know that this is expected to feel awkward, but if feels so much more than that. So I jump out of bed, grab my airpods and put on one of my favorite podcasts, something that will not only make me unable to hear conversations and... other stuff through the wall, but also keep my head busy from imagining what might be happening there.

I twist and turn for the rest of the night, at some point not fully awake, but also not really asleep while my mind does just that... imagine all kinds of things that might be happening next door, and every possibility my mind can come up with hurts more than the one before.

At some point, my airpod batteries are empty, it is 5 am and I figure unless they decide on a round of morning sex, I am probably out of the woods. I start to doze off, but then quickly, the house around me starts waking up, and I hear the chatter from downstairs, where it's likely Jere who is working on the breakfast, together with the moms.

We all eat together, then gather under the tree to open the small gifts we got each other, and while I see Taylor and Steven opening their gifts for each other infront of all of us, Jere and Denise say that they will do that later in Boston, after dinner with Denise's family. Which is totally fair, but another thing that just shows how close they are and how much has changed. He is now with someone we all haven't known for all of our lives and shares a sense of intimacy with her that has nothing to do with me or us.

After breakfast, Jere and Denise grab their things and say goodbye, promising to be back to welcome the new year with all of us. I brace myself for another sleepless night after that, and decide that its a good thing that I'll have a roughly 8h flight on January 1st that I can sleep through.

When he hugs me goodbye, I have to really hold it together to not start crying, and then I awkwardly hug Denise as I try to mask my feelings.

After they left, I grab my jacket and a blanket and sit out by the pool. I definitely need some fresh air to clear my head. Soon, I hear the squeak of the opening porch door, and when I look around, I see Taylor.

"You want some company?", she asks somewhat shyly. Of course I do. I have not seen my best friend alone in ages, and I missed her like crazy.

I nod my head and open the blanket so she can slip under it beside me and we can hold each other close.

"I take it you had quite a night?" she says "you look like hell."

I guess there is no way to brush this over, and I don't really want to.

"Yep. I put in my airpods because I was afraid of what I might hear through that damn wall, but nothing would distract me from going in circles and imagining it..."

Taylor gives me a sympathetic look. Like I myself did, she hoped that I would have come to terms with this new reality by now.

"Urgh that bad still? Seeing them together must have been..." she lets the end of the sentence linger in the air for me to complete it.

"Hell. I feel terrible saying this because god knows he deserves to be happy and I totally get why all of you guys love her so much. And I can see how much she adores him, of course she does and he deserves nothing less, but seeing him look at another girl, almost the way that he used to look at me... I know it's increadbily selfish... but..."

"... you still want that for yourself. I get it." she finishes my sentence now. I nod my head.

We remain silent for a moment and she holds me close as a few tears finally break out of me. Then she looks at me more seriously:

"B, do you think that this whole Boston thing is a good idea, all things considered? I mean, it's an incredible opportunity, but if you are struggling like THIS already, with all of us around... do you think it will get any easier with just the two of you?"

I think about that for a moment, and of course she is right in a way. But it's not an opportunity I can easily pass upon, and in the end, it might be the best just to rip off the band-aid and tackle this head-on.

"What am I supposed to do, Taylor? I never would have gotten into this incredible school if it had been by my grades, and even then... the student debt would kill me. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity to not only get to do an interesting job during grad school that will be perfect in my resumee, but on top of that, having a graduate degree from an ivy league with a reasonable financial risk! If I cancelled this and looked back in a few years when applying for real world jobs, I will kick myself for not getting my shit together!"

"I know... I get it..." Taylor says "but how on earth are you going to do this?"

I take a deep breath and sigh "Well, it's not like I will be living under the same roof as him. He will just be living in the same city, and he will be super busy with his job and culinary school. Plus, as a chef, he will likely have to work a lot during the time that I am off. So I don't think we will see each other that much."

Taylor nods her head in agreement, because this is DOES make a lot of sense. I continue to explain:

"And I don't know, maybe a lot of this is also just happening in my head, because I haven't seen him in so long, and because of all the memories we share... kind of like it turned out to be with Conrad..."

I can see Taylor is questioning my sanity as I say this because we both know that with Jere, it is nothing like it was with Conrad. Never, not even for one minute. What him and I had was always real. But as my friend, she says nothing and is trying to be supportive. So she says:

"Yeah, also maybe exposure therapy will show you that he does have his flaws and can be annoying as hell, something we always tend to forget."

I nod my head, but I don't agree. Because the occasions that he actually annoyed ME are few and far between. But I can't tell her that.

"Yeah, and within a few weeks I will be like - what the hell was I thinking? And we will be able to connect the way we used to before we started dating - at least to a certain degree! We have done it before, the summer when we tried to get the house back..."

Taylor and I are both silent. We both know... that summer, when we reconnected after I dated Conrad and blew him off for that... was when I truly fell for him. Hard, inevitably. But neither of us say this. Taylor hugs me closer, kisses my hair and says:

"You will get through this somehow, B, I am sure. I am always there for you. You know that, right?"

A few more tears stream down my face and I hug my best friend as tight as I can.

Chapter Text

I am waiting at the international arrivals at Boston Logan airport, a sign I made just for the fun of it in hand that says "Welcome home, Bells". I'm not sure if this is considered too much... but this girl has been one of my closest people since I can think, and I am genuinely happy that she is coming back from the little exile she created for herself after we ended our relationship. She will always have a space in my heart, even now that things have changed. And that is what you do when you pick someone up from the airport, right?

Originally, Laurel was to pick her up, and I offered to come and help them because with Belly giving up her apartment in Paris to move back here permanently, this was not just a family vacation where you brought one suitcase. So I simply assumed they could need a third set of arms with all her stuff. But then, Laurel got pressured into a meeting in Philly with the editor for her new book that is set to release very soon, and she could not move that. Since it's a week day and John has his regular classes today and everyone else is on the west coast, it is just me now.

I look up at the screen above that is showing the current status of the flights. Right when I find the Air France 0334 from Charles de Gaulle to Boston, it changes from "Approaching" to "Landed" and my heart starts to flutter, and so does my stomach.

What the fuck?

Of course I am happy to have her back, to try and truly rebuild our friendship like we both agreed to, and of course I am looking forward to spending time with her again, but this reaction is beyond anything that I was expecting. And that is inappropriate, really... considering it is my ex who I am picking up.

The minutes creep by, and I'm not sure if it's my confusion or the stress about my initial reaction to the announcement that is causing this, but I can feel my palms get sweaty.

The door keeps opening and closing, I see people coming out pushing baggage carts, and I am more frantic and excited than I should be every time it happens. What the hell is this?

Then, the door opens, and I see a cart being pushed through slower thean the rest, so full with suitcases and bags that you can't even see the person pushing it. I spot a mint colored carry-on and a light blue backpack on the very top and my heart skips a beat. I decide to ignore this for now since I can't change it now anyways and sprint towards the door to help her.

Belly is beaming at me and wants to stop to greet me, but the person behind her apparently is already pissed at how much she was struggling with the cart.

"MOVE!", they yell and I startle, take the handle of the cart and push it over to an open space where we are not blocking the door anymore.

I hold up my sign and smile at her:

"So happy you are back Bells! Sorry, it's just me. Laurel..."

I can see her eyes get teary and she comes flying towards her and I catch per like I always have and out of reflex, I spin her around.

When we stop, her face is incredibly close to mine, too close for comfort, actually. Because it's almost like we were about to fall into another version of this... the version of this that was our things during the 4 years when we...

I set her down and she lets go of me, and I can see her blink away her tears.

I pull her into another tight hug, and I can feel how she practically melts into it.

Still confused as hell, I say to her: "Your mom and dad told me to let you know they are sorry they can't be here to pick you up but they will both be coming this weekend to see you. I moved around some shifts so you have someone to help you move in..."

"Thank you so much, Jere", I hear her sniffle, and I can't help but wonder if this is about simply being back home after such a long time... or about ME?

I push the thought away quickly because I won't go there again... this is in the past and that is where it is staying.

I take the cart from her and together, we maneuver it to where I parked the Jeep, and miraculously (I had some doubt about it when I saw the cart), we manage to squeeze all of her stuff inside.

She gives me the adress where the little studio apartment that was allocated to her is, and we chat about her flight on the 20 minute drive there, and how sad she was to say goodbye to her French friends, who she is determined to stay in touch with though.

We are lucky and find a parking spot right outside the building, and while Belly goes to find the facilty manager to get her keys, I start unloading the car. When she is back, we both grab what we can carry, but there is still a bag and the suitcase that we can't. Luckily, a student walks by and asks us if he can help and we gladly accept.

Since there is no elevator, all three of us are happy that her apartment is only on the second floor, and we thank the student as he drops off the stuff he is carrying by the door. We get everything inside, and I help Belly sort through all of her pieces of lugguage to see what she wants where in that little space.

Then I ask her: "So whats the plan now... when are you meeting with your professor?"

"On Friday, and then I have to start work on Monday next week and my classes start the Monday after that... so that is pretty chill..."

She looks up at me and smiles:

"You know what? Since you are here now and have to work tomorrow... I have all day off, so I can do my unpacking then and can find my way around campus, too. How about we go out and celebrate me being back a little... I'll probably hit a wall soon, but I am hungry, and I really want to treat you as a thank you for helping me with all of this..." she motions around the apartment.

It's scary how excited I am about this, but what else do you expect with a lifelong friend who you have barely seen in years, right?

I smile at her: "That is a brilliant idea! How about we go to the restaurant I work at and I show you that place? My friend Megan, who is our hostess, is working tonight and I could introduce you to her. I am sure you will like her?"

Her face lights up even more.

"I love that! Ill just grab a couple of fresh clothes and take a super quick shower and then we can go!"

She opens one of the suitcases, rummages around to find a set of clothes, a toiletry bag and a towel and then tells me to make myself comfortable doing whatever while she showers.

Which is not an easy task in a practically empty apartment, where there is nothing to look at really. I look around and my eyes stray to the suitcase that she just folded shut, and the only thing I can see is the strap of what seems to be a lacy bra. At the same time, I can hear the water running in the shower... and with that... my mind starts straying to places that are defintely NOT appropriate for two people who are just friends... friends who have seen each other naked countless times, who have spend many hours... I shake myself out of this and walk over to the window and look out on the street. I really try to focus on the pigeons on the sidewalk fighting over what looks to be a large piece of bagel. I wonder if it is just a plain bagel, of if its one with cream cheese, if there is sesame or poppy seeds on top of it and where the person bought it... and then, the shower is turned off.

Shortly after, I hear a blowdryer and then Belly comes out - her beautiful self with open hair and minimal makeup, wearing a pair of dark Jeans and a black, knitted sweather. She quickly digs through her suitcase and finds a pair of black boots with medium height heels. She holds them up and looks at me questioningly:

"Is this outfit okay? I just realized that I have no idea how fancy that place you work at is... I would need to go through the other suitcase to find..."

I can't help but smile. I love that she is trying to put in an effort and make a good impression when meeting my colleagues. And I am also an tiny bit flattered of how far she thinks I have come already.

"Bells, it's a decent steak and seafood place, but nothing overly fancy. This is more than appropriate. You look good as always."

She smiles at me, puts on her shoes and coat and then pulls out per purse from somewhere between all the stuff and we leave.

I park my car on the street outside the restaurant, and then hold the door open for her. Megan looks up from behind her desk and beams at me:

"Fisher... I thought you were off today!"

She comes towards me and gives me a hug, and then looks at Belly, somewhat confused because she knows Denise, and surprised seeing me here with another girl.

"Megan, this is Isabel, the friend I told you about, who was moving back here from France to go to grad school..."

It feels somewhat weird to call her Isabel, but I know that's the name she went by in France, and I have no idea if she prefers new people to call her that here now, too. Megan looks at me somewhat shocked, her lips forming an "oh" when she realizes that this isn't just any "friend" but the girl I was set to marry until her feelings for my brother resurfaced. Yes, when cleaning up a restaurant after closing hours, you tell each other the story of your life.

Belly smiles at her and extends her hand: "Hey Megan... I appreciate Jere trying to be respectful, but none of my friends here has ever called me that. It's Belly for you."

Megan finds us a little table somewhere in the corner and decides that she will be our waiter for tonight so that we can maybe chat a little later when the reception is less busy. We sit down, Megan hands us the menu, which I just take out of courtesy of course, and leaves us.

Belly looks around and I can see her eyes shine: "Jere, this place has such a great vibe... and you were definitely putting yourself down... this is wayyy better than just "decent"..."

I can't help but feel my chest fill with pride. I am still pretty low in the kitchen hirarchy, but if I am being honest, all of this IS quite an achievement for a college dropout without any culinary exeprience outside the family kitchen.

Belly looks at the menu, but quickly says that it all sounds tempting and that she will have whatever I am having since it's obviously going to be good then.

When Megan comes back with our water, we order our drinks and I let Megan know that we will both have the cod fillet with the roasted potatoes and a side salad. It's definitely not the top of the menu, but it is very tasty, and since I know that I won't be able to talk her out of inviting me, I am not going to stretch her tight budget.

Megan quickly comes over with our drinks and sits down to chat with us for a few minutes, and I can tell that Belly and her hit it off immediately, like I suspected. Then she goes to bring out the food and leaves us while we eat because she doesn't want to interrupt our meal by getting up in case new guest walk in.

Belly compliments the food, and I smile happily. This feels really good, to have her here with me, and I am very hopeful that we are going to have a good time as friends, even though we are both going to be super busy.

We quickly fall back into the friendly banter we were always so good at, and I realize how much I missed it.

Once the food is eaten, Megan comes back to pick up the plates, then sits down to chat some more. After spome time, Belly gets up to go to the bathroom.

Megan looks after her, then looks at me: "Damn Jere, I have no idea how you do this... you always seem to get the best girls..."

"Hey..." I say, reminding her of her own girlfriend, "what about Sarah? Plus last time I checked, Bells is straight"

"Are you really saying this because you are defending Sarah or because you are afraid I might steal her from you?"

She gives me a wink, and my insides churn. What the hell does she think she saw?

"Megs, I told you that this is a thing of the past. Denise in SF sure isn't ideal, but she is still my girlfriend and Belly being here is not going to change that."

Megan laughs at me, and then says: "Well, you are saying this now, but I'll give this whole thing a few months at max, buddy. You know I love Denise, but you are definitely playing with fire, my friend..."

I glare at her, but before I can say anything to that, Belly comes back to the table, and this conversation is over. At least for now.

Chapter Text

I close the zipper of my jacket all the way up, hide my face and speed up my step. New England spring is showing its nasty side today.

It's early April now, and I have to say I found my place here in Boston rather quickly, partly thanks to Jeremiah, but also thanks to my fellow students and the people at work. The professor I work with here I already knew from our conversations back when I worked for her friend at Sorbonne, so that has been very smooth. The job she hired me for is also pretty similar to what I did in Paris, which is super convenient.

I was at first a bit overwhelmed by the insane level of brilliance among the students here and I seriously feared that I might not be able to keep up with them. But once I found my rhythm and got to know a few people and my surroudings I realized that I can do it if I stay determined.

I found my way around campus pretty quickly, and whenever I went out with Jere, I quickly connected with his new friends, too. I am getting pretty close with his friend Megan and her girlfriend Sarah. Megan was the first person Jere introduced me to on the day I got to Boston, and while we ate at his restaurant, we got to hang out a little. By the end of the night, Megan had saved her number in my phone and asked me to call her whenever I wanted to hang out.

My mind flashes back to my first day here. Jere was the one who picked me up from the airport, after my parents both were unable to make it and everyone else was on the west coast. My heart beat out of my chest when I saw him rush towards me... a sign with my name in hand, quick as always to help me with my lugguage as the lady behind me was already impatient because I was blocking her.

When we found a free spot, he opened his arms for a hug, and I flew right at him, into one of our signature spin hugs. My heart started to race as to how close our faces were, and it took every little bit of my willpower for me not to lean in and kiss him, like I used to... In his eyes, I could see the same memory for a split of a second, but then he collected himself quickly and pulled away.

We found my apartment, he helped me with my stuff and after that, I decided to thank him for his help by inviting him out for dinner. He suggested to take me to the restaurant he worked at. Seeing it in person was amazing, and in true Jere fashion, he had definitely been a bit too modest when he said that this was a "decent etablishment". I was blown away by the interior, and the food was divine, and that was exactly what I told him.

It almost felt like a date, sitting across this dashing, super confident and charming man, having him order my food, recommending the drinks along with it, and I had to keep reminding myself almost constantly that it wasn't. Whenever her work allowed her to, Megan would join us at our table to chat a little, and her and I hit it off almost instantly. Which was no surprise, because apart from the frat bros at Finch, who weren't my vibe, whenever I met his friends, they quickly became mine, too. I can still remember that I had to go to the bathroom at some point, and I saw Jere and Megan in a deep in a conversation, and something in Jere's face shifted for a moment. When I returned to the table, there was a moment of awkwardness that I could not pinpoint. To brush it over, Megan asked me if I wanted anything for dessert and if she should bring out the menu, but I had to decline with a yawn. It had been a long day, and the jet lag was catching up on me. What she did then was ask me for my phone to save in her conact information, telling me to call her in case I wanted to grab a coffee.

I walk through the door of the coffee shop and shake the rain off the hood of my jacket. Then I look around and quickly spot Megan in the corner at a table, a bowl of latte infront of her. I rush over and hug her, then run over to the counter to grab myself a coffee, too. After that, I return to Meg's table and we chat about school, about some gossip at the restaurant and about the birthday dinner she has planned for Sarah for the next night.

While we talk, her phone buzzes. She picks it up and reads the text she just received and smiles.

"Awww that's great. Jere just messaged me, Denise was able to get the weekend off and is coming tomorrow too. I love that, I haven't seen her in ages."

Yes that's right. Jere and Denise are still going strong. In the roughly 8 weeks I have been here, she has come to Boston once, and Jere flew out to San Francisco for one weekend. I haven't seen her since New Year's though, because the one weekend she was here, I had taken the train to Philly to see my parents. And if you guessed that that was on purpose, you would be correct.

Because up until now... my hopes that whatever pull Jere still has over me in THAT sense would pass... have turned out to be false. I met a few guys that I connected with at school, and of course some of them tried to flirt with me, but I have always been awkward about it. None of them were quite as attractive, quite as sweet, quite as funny... as my ex. I know that this is stupid and that I have to put myself out there to maybe find a person who I think is worth my time, but I can't bring myself to it.

Meg studies me, then she asks me, surprised, but also a bit suspicious:

"What's with that face... you don't like her?"

I am pretty aware of the fact that Meg caught onto my lingering feelings for Jeremiah rather quickly, based on the looks she has given us whenever we all hung out. But so far, we have never talked about it.

"That's not it...", I say, contemplating how much to tell her.

"It's not that you dislike her as a person, you dislike that she is Jere's girlfriend..." Meg nods her head.

I look at her dumbfounded, not sure what to say. So she continues.

"Don't try to deny it Belly, I figured that one out pretty quickly. What the fuck? I am not quick to judge people for their love lives, but the two of you, that's a pretty unique mess."

"FINE", I cave, "Yeah, I guess it makes no sense to deny this... I would NOT be mad if he decided to end things with her or vice versa, and I know that that is a terrible thing to say, and that I should be happy he found someone as great as her, because she really is, but..."

"You still love him...", Meg says empathetically.

"Yes", I sigh, "and I know that I shouldn't. That I have no claim over him, not as a friend, and most definitely not as... and that he had to take more heartbreak from me than any person should have to take from someone, and yet he is still here trying to be my friend... I am trying to move on, but  I can't and it's killing me. And last time I saw Denise, I had a feeling that she knows. Jere, bless him, seems to be mostly unaware or very skilled at ignoring it, but I try not to be around them when she is here. Which probably is just adding fuel to the fire when she thinks that I am avoiding her...."

"Isabel Conklin..." Meg gives me a stern look.

"Don't you dare and try to drop out of that dinner. Sarah would be disappointed, and I really think that you are right... this will only make matters worse if you chicken out now. You will just have to suck it up. I said to Jere when you got here that I can already see this getting messy, and I fear it will at some point. I am not saying that I am not sympathetic, but have to make up your mind at some point: be upfront to him about it and face a possible rejection AND maybe loosing him as a friend... and I am not saying that I am sure that it would go that way... or you have to get over yourself, and most importantly over him. You can't keep doing this forever."

"I know, I will try..." I say, and give her a teary smile as I promise that I'll not bail on them the next day and suck it up.

After our coffee date, I head home, reply to a few emails and then focus on prepping for my classes for the rest of the week. Anything but thinking about my upcoming evening with Jere and Denise.

The next day goes pretty smoothly, and after my last class, I run home quickly to shower, put on some makeup and some nice clothes before I head to the restaurant. Megan and our birthday girl are already there, along with some other friends. I say hello to everyone and give Sarah a birthday hug and my present, the newst book from her favorite author, and then take my seat. Shortly after, Jere and Denise make their way from the door to our table, and I can see how excited our friends are to see Denise. She hugs Meg and Sarah, and then turns to me, and it must be pretty obvious that we are both awkward about it. After her, Jere approaches me, and as I hug him, I can see Denise behind him, studying us carefully.

We all find our seats and order our food and overall it's a pretty great and fun night. I can't help looking at Denise and Jere from time to time though, who are seated diagonally across the table from me, so that it is pretty hard to actually talk to each other. What I see is not really a good sign though:

Jere is his usual affectionate self with her, he is either holding her hand or has his arm around her, but whenever she tries to put on a little more PDA than that, which happens a few times, he seems to be a bit awkward about it. Whenever someone strikes up a topic that demands both mine and Jere's attetion, or whenever he adresses me or vice versa, I can feel her eyes on me. I think I know what she is feeling, because I am feeling it too. Jealousy.

After we finished our food and sung happy birthday for Sarah, I use an early class tomorrow as an excuse to escape the situation. I say goodbye to everyone, hug Sarah and Meg, and I just want to wave goodbye to Jere, when I see him get up from his chair, approach me and then he gives me a goodbye hug. As I look over his shoulder, my eyes lock with Denise's, and I freeze.

I can see that she saw it in my eyes. She knows that I still want him. And she doesn't like it one bit.

Now that Jere made the decison for me, I have no other choice than to go over to Denise and hug her too, and I can feel how tense her back is under my touch.

Before this can escalate any further, although I am sure that a catfight is not her style, I quickly put on my jacket and hurry out into the night.

Chapter Text

I take out my sunglasses and put them on, and Denise hands me back my cone of the ice cream we just got. It's late May now, I finally have a weekend off and miraculously was able to find a cheap flight. So naturally, I went to see my girlfriend.

It's been a few weeks since the last time we saw each other when she came to Boston and for a second, my mind shifts back to the weirdness that was Sarah's birthday dinner. It was the first time since Belly moved to Boston that she and Denise were in the same room, and I am still confused by the energy both of them gave off. Both of them have ensured me multiple times that they genuinely like the other, but the rivalry was uncanny. I guess that's what you get, at least to a certain point, when you are friends with your ex AND have a long distance girlfriend. But as someone who is very empathetic to the energy in a room and how craves harmony, this is kind of unsettling to me. And I don't even know who to blame or who to call out, and if it is my mistake... what to do differently.

I get that it must be unsettling for Denise that my relationship with Belly is very much out of her control. I am doing my best though to be transparent about when and where I am hanging out with Belly, which isn't a lot anyway because she mostly has time when I am working, and she is at school or working when I'm off. Plus, really most of the times it's not just me and her, but other people too and mostly in public spaces. It's not like we have a habit of hanging out at each other's places and pouring our hearts out. And I also do my best to make an effort to show Denise how much she means to me, and be an attentive boyfriend whenever we see each other.

And with Belly... she is respecting my boundaries and not interacting with me in a way that invokes questionable situations, and she is totally fine with us hanging out in public and with other people. She came to Boston not really knowing anyone beside me. Her friends from Finch had all moved to different parts of the country, and so she is very happy that I welcomed her into my group of friends to get settled at first. And now of course, she has made some of her own through work and school that she hangs out with. What I can't deny though is that, at times, a certain tension between us arises... where I can feel her looking at me melancholically, or when it takes her a split of second too long to let go of me when we hug. She is always quick to brush it over though, and I haven't dared to adress it with her. Because if I did, it would likely not make our lives any easier.

And about me... I have to say I would be lying if I said it didn't happen to me, too, at times. She's still one of the most beautiful girls I have met in my life and always will be, and we always had a connection that I never felt with anyone else, so it is probably normal... to just feel that at times. I am sure it is the same for her.

„Come on... let me try yours, then you can try mine!"
Denise suggests smilingly, looking at my ice cream.

I smile at her too, hold out the cone to her and let her have a lick of my strawberry, and then I lean over and to tease her, I take a large bite out of her chocolate.

„Hey!", she says and then does the same on mine and then leans in, smiling suggestively.

I like where this is going so land my lips on hers, opening my mouth and letting my tongue dance with hers. I taste the mix of the sweeteness of the strawberry and the bitterness of the chocolate and think about how we would need vanilla to make it Neapolitan... and then suddenly... out of nowhere, my mind flashes back to one of the many times Belly and I did this, only it was Strawberry and vanilla and we both joked about the missing chocolate... and I can feel my heart swell with an unidentified emotion that is NOT directed at my girlfriend. I freeze and pull away and I know that I will be met with confusion and probably a little hurt... and, almost out of reflex, I quickly raise my hand to my temple and make a pained face.

„Brain freeze, brain freeze!", I exclaim and feel terrible about the lie instantly, even if it is a well- intentioned one. What was I supposed to say?

„Sorry, but kissing you just gave me a flashback to the girl I used to date for years and who I am friends with now?"

Luckily, I seem to have sold it pretty well because Denise gives me the cutest pout, then laughs and gives me a quick peck on the lips.

After that, we sit in the sun for a while and watch the people running around the busy pier. My heart is still beating fast, trying to make sense of what just happened, and what it means. And I also can't help but think if this has happened to Belly too and what she is doing right now and...

Denise leans her head on my shoulder and I quickly shake out of my thoughts.

„God, I wish we could do this all the time..." she says.

„You and me just hanging around the city, meeting friends... simply enjoying life..."

I kiss the top of her head and say:

„Me too, Denise! I know it would not be like this all of the time even if we lived in the same city because we both work and don't exactly do so on the same schedule, but at least we would get to sleep in the same bed and come home to one another like we used to..."

„I know you still have a good few months of your contract left..." she says, and I know the conversation we are about to have is totally valid and has to be had at some point, but weirdly, I can feel the pace of my heart pick up, and I think it's not 100% out of joy.

„... but maybe it's time we start talking about what to do after that?"

„Yeah, you are right. It's definitely something I should at least start to consider. I know that the place in Boston would likely give me permanent contract if I wanted that. Sam, our manager recently hinted that..."

I look at her, and I can see that she is somewhat taken aback by this.

„Okay..." she says „but what about us though? I mean, I totally understood that you could not pass up on the chance to do this in Boston, and you also made it pretty clear that you wanted to give this whole living alone thing a try, so that just fit... but I will admit that I assumed that, after that year is up and you also finally had an official qualification for the job, that you would start to apply here... I mean it's not like I can easily move back to Boston. But the restaurant market here is definitely as good as in Boston, if not better..."

I know that she is right, and I have to admit that of course, when I told her I wanted to give this a try, that I assumed that this was exactly how this would go. I would stay behind in Boston at first and do my thing and learn what it was like to be completely on my own, and then after I finished culinarily school and assuming we were still together, I would look for a job here and move to California. That is what I still would say to anyone who asked me. And I don't even know why I even said what I said... my mind starts racing.

„I know, Denise! And that is still something I am commited to! I even said to Sam that this was my situation and that I could not say yes to this right now or anytime soon... because of US."

„Jere, I know you love Boston and how it has always been a homebase for you and how it's close to Cousins which is so connected to your mom. And I know it's a huge sacrifice that I ask of you to give that up. But it's not like you don't have a lot to gain here, too. I mean it's not just me... Taylor and Steven are your family, your best friends, and they are here, too!"

I pull her in my arms and kiss her hair:

„I know, D. Trust me I know! And I never said I would not! I'm just... it's still a huge step, and there is still time! Many restaurants hire kitchen staff on short notice and when someone else leaves, and they can't wait around for me to come here and start in a few months! And even if I am here, it's not like I need to look for a place to live because it's always been clear that if I moved, we would live together again and I really love your place.

I feel like a traitor in that moment because somehow, instead of „when" I automatically fell into „if"... and also I just said that I love the apartment, but I am painfully aware that I lever told the girl that I love her. I know that now would be the perfect time, but I can't bring myself to it yet. And then I realize that this was perfectly fine when we first got together, and also that it might take a little longer to be sure of that with the distance and all, but something within me is starting to wonder if this has a deeper meaning. While I think all of this, I expect Denise to call me out on all of it. But miraculously, she doesn't. We hold each other close for a moment and I hear her take a deep and shaky breath. Denise is not an easy crier, so I am not excepting tears as I pull away, but I know she is hurt.

When I look at her, my heart melts. There is this breathtaking girl, who knows exactly what she wants, looking at me, and my pulse picks up when I realize that, for some miraculous reason - it's me. She has been nothing but empathetic and supportive of me, handled my insecurities at the beginning of our relationship so incredibly well... she's smart as hell and funny and sexy and I am the luckiest guy in the world.

„I'm sorry Denise! It's all going to be okay. I will figure this out in time, I promise." I smile at her.

She nods her head with determination and puts on a reassuring smile.

„You better..." she says and pulls me in for a kiss.

Chapter Text

„Hey Bells!"

My mouth automatically forms into the brightest smile as I see him approach me with a paper bag in hand. I get up from the stairs I was sitting on and I jump into his arms like I used to and he spins me around. We don't do this a lot these days, probably because the one time we did, we got too close for comfort, but today is not just any day.

„Happy Birthday!"

It's my birthday today, and yes, while it's summer and I don't have classes, the research project my professor hired me for is going throughout the summer, so I only get a few days off in the middle of July. And on top of that, today is also a weekday, so it would have been very stressful and chaotic for my parents to come to Boston and I asked them not to. We can celebrate together another time.

Jere said though that it's still my birthday, which has always been celebrated back when we spend the summers in Cousins, and he would not let me ignore it.

He has been pretty secretive about what he has planned, but my heart still flutters at the thought alone to be spending time with him. He told me to wait outside my laboratory at 3 pm and that he would pick me up and take care of the rest.

He puts his arm around me and I can feel my cheeks get warm as he directs me to where he has parked his car. He opens the passenger door and I hop in. Then we drive around 10 minutes, until he pulls into a parking lot that I know belongs to a little park that a lot of people go to to escape the hectic city and maybe have a picnic or a barbecue. In the few busy months I have been living in the city, I haven't been here yet, but I have heard people rave about it.

He opens the back of the car to retrieve something and then opens the door of the car to help me out. In his hand, I see a picnic basket and the paper bag, which I now notice has the logo of my favorite bakery on campus.

„We are having a picnic? Jere, that's so sweet!"

He beams at me with the brightest smile and I am once more taken aback by his beauty. It should be illegal to be this good looking. He has his sunglasses tucked into the deep V-neck of the light blue shirt he is wearing, which perfectly compliments the blue of his eyes. His signature curls are cut a tiny bit shorter than he used to have them lately, which he does a lot during summer when it's hot, especially now that he's working on a hot stove almost every day. It's still very much HIM though. His hair, which is usually a bit darker in winter, has already taken on my favorite summer blonde. And when I think of the rest of his immediate family... Adam, Conrad and Susannah, I am again amazed by his beautiful summer tan.

He was always in great shape, but I can't help but notice how his arm muscles seem even more defined these days and I have to stop myself there because I can't help but wonder what he looks like beneath that shirt...

„Yeah..." he smiles „I thought I'd treat you to that on your special day, since we can't go to the beach here and I also don't feel like making you Micky Mouse pancakes. We will just hang out there for a little..."

He grabs over my shoulder to behind my seat and his ear is right beside my mouth. I take a shaky breath to take in his scent and pray he won't notice... and when he pops back up he holds up a volleyball to me.

„... and maybe play some ball, and then later, Meg, Sarah and some of the others will join us for dinner at your favorite burger place!"

My heart skips a beat, but not because he mentions the dinner reservation, but what he was implying was that I get him to myself for the next 3, maybe 3.5 hours... which has been pretty rare with us lately.

And that was probably a good thing given the emotional state I am in. But even though he's kind of a thirst trap for me lately, he is still one of the most significant people in my life, my best friend since childhood and I miss him.

I grin from ear to ear and take the ball and the bag with the cake, and we walk into the park to find a nice spot where we can enjoy the sun and are at least somewhat to ourselves.

I watch him as he lays out the blanket and I sit down when he invites me to. He continues to unpack different kinds of treats from the basket, explaining to me in detail what it is and why it's delicious and I wonder if he can see how much I love him in this moment. Jeremiah and his obsession with food has always been sweet, and I have been used to him being kind of extra about it, but this is totally next level and I love it. I think of Conrad and the unseasoned chicken he tried to constantly feed me that one fateful summer and I have no idea how those two men have been born and raised by the same mother.

Now he takes out a bottle of champagne and explains to me the flavor profile and why he picked exactly that, and while I don't understand half of what he is saying, I soak it up and I am in awe with this cultivated person that is sitting infront of me and has put in so much effort just to spoil me on my birthday.

„And finally..." he grins as he digs into the paper bag and takes out a large cardboard box „I know how much you love these"

He lifts the lid, and what I see is a box of the prettiest and most colorful macarons I could have imagined.

„Oh my god, Jere, this is amazing!" I beam at him.

„I have never been so spoilt in my life! We will definitely need that workout after we ate all of that if you expect me to eat dinner tonight! Thank you so much!"

We start to dig in, and I let him explain to me in which order to try all the little bites he brought because he's obviously a man with a plan.

While we sit there, I receive birthday calls from my mom, my dad and Steven and Taylor, and every time, it's all fun and jokes and it kind of feels like back in the day when Jere and I were still together.

My mom, dad and Steven are completely oblivious to the situation and don't seem to think much of it. Taylor raises an eyebrow though, because this clearly looks way too cozy for her taste, but she doesn't say anything since it's my birthday.

With our food, we drink about most of the bottle of champagne and I am definitely feeling light headed by now.

After the last macaron has been eaten, I get up and stand infront of him and extend my hand. He looks up at me with a happy, content and relaxed smile, and seeing him like that, I feel like I might pass out.

„Alright Mister Makeshift Gordon Ramsay... get up... I need to work off some of that sugar!"

He takes my hand and lets me pull him up, but the only thing that happens is that we both loose our balance and topple over and I land on top of him.

We look at each other in surprise, and my heart skips a beat when I feel his breath on my face for a split of a second. I fear that the look in my eyes is a dead giveaway, and I don't even care in that moment. And another thing that I don't care about, the alcohol definitely lowered my inhibitions, is to get up and break up this situation. And much to my surprise... neither does he. Neither of us dares to lean in and take it any further, but none of us turns away either.

When I get lost in his eyes, I can almost let myself believe that he sees me the way he used to, the way I still see him, but then again, so much has changed. I can see his cheeks are about as flushed as mine, and he is definitely a little tipsy too. Then, right when my eyes start to stray to his lips, something hits my behind. I startle and I see a soccer ball roll past our heads.

We both shake out of our trance and break apart quicker than I thought possible. I get up, and so does he as two teenage boys run past us with a half-ass apology to retrieve their ball.

We look at each other, and I can see he is even more confused than I am by what just happened, but I can also see a realization in his eyes. He knows.

I grab the ball and try to brush it over by challenging him, and he realizes what I am doing and decides to join in.

I have no idea what this means and where we will go from here, but I know that today is not the day to have that conversation. I know now that we will have to talk about this at some point though.

We start to simply bump the ball around in the sun for a while to shake off the awkwardness, and I think he comes to the same conclusion as I do. There is a conversation to be had about this at some point. But not now, where neither of us had time to process, where we are about to get together with our friends and most importantly while we are both tipsy.

After about an hour, we are both tired and lie down on opposite sides of the blanket, basket, drinks and ball between us and just enjoy the sun and talk about different kinds of stuff, carefully avoiding what happened earlier at least for today.

When it's almost time for dinner, we pack up, Jere ensures me that he is fit to drive again and we head to the burger place, where our friends are already waiting for us.

After dinner, the night ends pretty early though, because most of us have to work in the morning. I get into the Jeep again and Jere drops me off outside my building, and as we hug goodbye, I can feel a question burning on his mind.

„What does this mean?"

Before he musters up the courage to ask though, I bid him goodbye and hurry inside.

Chapter Text

I can't help but smile when I look at Belly in the passenger seat of my Jeep, right as we reach the outskirts of Cousins Beach, and see her lean out of the window like she used to when we were kids.

In the backseat, Meg and Sarah are laughing, too.

It's mid July, a Wednesday, and while Belly is off work all week, Sarah, Meg and I happen to all have today and tomorrow off miraculously. Somehow, the 3 girls roped me into going to the summer house for those 2 days, and I would be lying if I could not have needed a sea breeze and sand under my feet myself.

I am still somewhat unsure about this, especially after that incident on Belly's birthday just 2 weeks ago. That moment really shook me to my core, and I would rather not want to think about what might have happened if we didn't get interrupted.

We were both clearly somewhat intoxicated, or at least that is the excuse I keep repeating to myself, but it definitely crossed a boundary, and something in the way she looked at me told me that it meant more for her. It clearly was an accident, but when I looked into her eyes, I saw a longing there, like while she never would have dared to set this up, she had hoped that it would come to this. I could also see that she had very little, maybe no intention to pull away and end the moment, and what I saw in her eyes felt very much like... not the way she used to look at me, but more... like the way I always HOPED she would look at me. I will admit, I was completely mesmerized by that, and I know that I could have pushed her away and ended this, but as much as I hate to admit it... I could not.

I keep telling myself that noting happened, it's not like we kissed or anything like that, but I am still very aware that we very likely would have... if it wasn't for the boys and their ball, and that thought scares the shit out of me. I am not a cheater, and I promised myself that I would never be... but this very much feels like it was in a way just that... cheating.

Of course, I told Denise that we were going and she wasn't exactly enthused, but she also knows that this is a group actvity after all and she can't tell me to NOT go to visit my beach house with whoever I choose to. And it's not like I am planning anything shady, right? It's just a group of friends hanging around the beach and the pool, putting on the grill and chill together. We will arrive around noon, and stay until the afternoon of the next day, so it is not a big deal.

We drive up to the house, and Meg and Sarah are of course quite impressed. When we arrive, Belly starts to give them a little tour, while I bring in the food and drinks we got on the way here and store most of it in the fridge.

"Okay..", Belly says as the girls walk in, "about the sleeping arrangements... Jere and I have our rooms here, and you can stay in the guest room, which is right next to my room. I will get out some sheets and maybe you can help me get the beds ready? Jere, do you want to do your own or are you just gonna crash in it as is?" she gives me a devious grin, and of course I realize that she is joking about the one time when I did just that when we came here when Conrad went missing.

"This might surprise you, Bells..." I give her a similar smile, "... I have been living alone for long enough to handle my bed sheets by now, but thank you for worrying."

The other two look at us confused, and we quickly explain, and then laugh together. We grab our backpacks that we brought with our overnight stuff and get the beds ready, change into our bathing clothes and then grab our towels and take the path to the beach. When we reach the end of it, Meg and Sara excitedly walk ahead a pick put a place for us to make our camp. Belly and I stop for a moment though, and look at each other.

She gives me a challening grin and runs off. I immediately realize what she is doing and chase her. We both throw our towels in the sand, and when we reach the shoreline, I catch up to her, wrap my arms around her and throw her into the water, just like I did when we were kids. And in that moment, it feels like everything is good. Like nothing ever happened and like we could really get back to THAT point in our lives where we were best friends and nothing more. Maybe all of this was just happening in my head after all?

We wrestle for a while and I can't recall the last time I laughed so hard. After a hot minute, Meg and Sarah join us and we all start splashing each other.

Once we are all tired, we resume the spot Meg and Sarah claimed for us, let ourselves dry off in the sun and dig through the cooler with drinks and snacks that Sarah remembered to pack for us.

"Belly, you weren't exaggarating... this place is magical. I definitely could stay here all summer! I am kind of jealous of you guys..." Meg says

"Yeah... it was pretty great..." I say and smile at Belly.

"So, apart from going to the beach all day every day, what else did you guys do here?"

"Well... there is a country club, and one summer when I was 16, I worked there  as a lifeguard..." I say.

"You and saving people from drowing?", Meg laughs at me "You DO look great in trunks though..."

"Yeah, and that summer I was a debutante..."Belly says.

"What the fuck?!? That is so anti-feminist!" Sarah is shocked.

"Actually, it wasn't that bad..." Belly smiles at me "You guys want to take a guess who was my escort?"

"Oh my god, are you kidding me?" Meg nearly dies of laughter. I decide to switch topics. I don't want to dive too deeply into that night, because while it sounds fun, it was tough for me.

"Yeah, and apart from that, there is always someone throwing a rager, we actully did here too, one time... and then there is the boardwalk... it's basically a carnival with all kinds of games and rides..." I explain.

"Yeah, we often went there when we were little and did like our Big Boardwalk Showdown, which was always fun..." Belly smiles "We actually did that one time again later. The boys... Jere, Conrad and my brother ... against me, my best friend Taylor and Jere's cousin Skye...we lost, and as a team captain, Conrad dared me to ride the Tower of Terror, a big drop ride. We were all scared like hell of that thing when we were little... but Jeremiah graciously offered his support and went with me, which I appreciate to this day..."

My mind flashes back to us up there, holding hands, eyes locked and then... there, among all the thrill, in that moment, was when I realized that maybe we still had a chance... shit! This has to stop!

Belly dives into the cooler again, grabs a can of beer and then squeals in joy...

"Oh my god, there are Twizzlers!"

"Oh wow, I never tried that with beer..." I jump up and sit next to Belly.

Meg and Sarah shoot each other a confused look. Belly rips open a pack of the candy, and I grab a can of beer, too and open it. Belly explains:

"You can use them as a straw...", I take one of the Twizzlers too and mirror her, then she looks at me when she puts her Twizzler into the can, so do I, take a sip and then say:

"Hey this is even better than with soda, you guys should try it, too!"

Meg and Sarah both grab a beer and a candy, and we all actually agree that beer tastes even better with a hint of artificial strawberry.

Once the cooler is empty, we return to the house and get out the steak and vegetables we got for dinner. I fire up the grill and we sit on the terrace with food and drinks for hours, talking and playing cards.

When it's past midnight, Meg and Sarah say that they are tired and head to bed, and I tell Belly that she can go, too. I just want to tidy up a few things and then head up to bed. She insists on helping me though, and after we put away the cushions and blew out the candles, we just sit on one of the sunbeds for a moment. I look at the house and think of all the perfect memories that will forever be linked to it, some of which I felt or relived today, all the summers that felt endless at the time and so full of possibilities... back when we all were kids and carefree and...

"God, I really miss those summers." I say to her "When we didn't have work and responsibilities and just thought about the next adventure... sometimes I just want to go back to that..."

"It was the best time... I'll forever carry this place in my heart..."

I look at her, and I wonder if she is trying to say something else with this, but I don't dare to ask. I get up and say:

"Yeah, we better go to bed, responsibility will be calling earlier than we think and we better sober up so we can still catch a bit of beachtime tomorrow before we go back to work."

Belly gets up and gives me mischiveous grin: "Oh my god, you are such a Buzzkill Bob!"

Before I can react, she has lunges herself at me and pushes me into the pool, and as I fall, I grab her arm and pull her with me. We both come up to the surface, laughing:

"Wow, that was mean..."

"Someone had to save you from yourself !" she shrugs and then gives me a challenging look. I lunge myself at her to push her under water to make her pay, and we end up in a wrestling match, trying to dip the other and splashing water at each other. She jumps at me, puts her hands on my chest and tries to push me off my feet, but I stabilize myself and pull her closer to push her away and land her in the water again but then... the world seems to come to a halt as we look into each other's eyes and the laughter dies. The air around us starts to buzz and my heart starts pounding. I can feel her breath on my face and then, an invisible string starts to pull on both of us. Not sure who initiates it, but all of a sudden, our lips lock, my arms pull her in and her arms wrap around my neck. We drink each other in for a moment, and then open our mouths, and an electric current shoots through me when our tongues meet. I have no idea how long this is going on, because time seems to stand still, but then she jumps up and wraps her legs around my waist like she did when I kissed her for the very first time in this very pool... not sure what it is, but somehow, I am snapped back into reality and I freeze. I should not be doing this, it is wrong and immoral and it will cause so much damage, mostly in MY life. What the hell am I thinking?

I pull away, too stunned to speak, and when I see her face, I can see that she is, too. She lets go of me and I say:

"Sorry, Bells, this was..."

"No, Jere, I am sorry, I shouldn't have.."

I shake my head to stop her from saying more.

"It doesn't matter... Goodnight."

I make my way over to the steps and walk out of the pool, towards the house, wring most of the water out of my shorts and strud off to my room without looking back.