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English
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Published:
2017-09-22
Completed:
2017-10-14
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17,460
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3/3
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Wide Open

Summary:

Alex,

So I know leaving notes in people’s lockers isn’t actually, like, a thing, but I haven’t been able to get the nerves to talk to you in person. Honestly, whenever I see you in the halls, my heart goes 100 bpm and all my blood rushes to my head. So, locker letters it is.

Here’s the thing, I’ve had a crush on you since seventh grade. Woohoo, there it is. I know you probably don’t like me back, it’s hard to believe that someone like you could like someone like me, but I just, I don’t know, wanted to let you know.

So yeah, there I go. That’s all I wanted to say. If by any chance you want to respond you can leave a note in the French-English dictionary in the library. I know for a fact that no one uses it.

Notes:

So I wrote this for Fierrochase week but I'm posting it early because school's going to be stressful next week so I'll probably forget. Anyways, I hope you enjoy it!

It's rated teen for swearing.

Chapter 1: Letters from a Stranger

Chapter Text

Alex, 

 

So I know leaving notes in people’s lockers isn’t actually, like, a thing, but I haven’t been able to get the nerves to talk to you in person. Honestly, whenever I see you in the halls, my heart goes 100 bpm and all my blood rushes to my head. So, locker letters it is. 

 

Here’s the thing, I’ve had a crush on you since seventh grade. Woohoo, there it is. I know you probably don’t like me back, it’s hard to believe that someone like you could like someone like me, but I just, I don’t know, wanted to let you know. 

 

So yeah, there I go. That’s all I wanted to say. If by any chance you want to respond you can leave a note in the French-English dictionary in the library. I know for a fact that no one uses it. 

 

*** 

 

Dear mystery note leaver, 

 

This is Alex. You probably know that, since no one else has read your letter (I promise.) 

 

What do I say in this situation? Well, of course, I want to know who you are, but I feel like that’s out of the question (correct me if I’m wrong.) I doubt that I wouldn’t like you, but I can’t say for sure since I don’t know you. Oh well. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you’re great. 

 

I was very flattered by your note. I have to be honest though and say that I can’t see where you’re coming from. I’m actually kinda boring once you get to know me. 

 

You’ll probably try to fight me on that but you don’t have any proof that I’m wrong since in your letter it said you and I have never talked. And you’ll have to accept my low self-esteem, teenagers act like that. 

 

I’d also like to know more about you if that’s ok. What grade are you in? What do you look like? Who are your friends? What are your pronouns? What do you like to do in your spare time? I’m curious. 

 

If you want to respond, leave a letter in my locker like last time. I’m looking forward to it. 

 

Sincerely, 

 

Alex Fierro 

 

***

 

Alex,

 

You answered my note (Insert me screaming here.) I’ve read it at least ten times already, and I’ve finally figured out what to say.

First of all, I know you aren’t boring because I know people who know you. More on this later. 

 

Also, I’m not that great, and you’ll have to take my word for it because you don’t know who I am. 

 

Now for your questions:

 

  • I’m in grade 10, same as you.  
  • I can’t tell you what I look like because… spoilers dude
  • I also can’t tell you who my friends are because more spoilers, but I do know Samirah, who I’ve seen talking to you (this is who I mentioned before) 
  • I use he/him pronouns 
  • In my spare time, I like to read, listen to music, and draw. 

 

Also, I really hope you don’t freak out about the fact that I’m a guy. Sexuality is complicated and I figured out that I kinda don’t care? I don’t know, that sounds weird. But I really don’t want you to stop talking to me just because I like you. Well, you knew I liked you, but now it’s like a gay like and that might weird you out. 

 

Not that I’m saying you’re homophobic, I just don’t know you well enough. Also, I used the word like too many times in that paragraph. I’m sorry. 

 

If you still want to talk, leave your note in the dictionary like last time. 

 

***

 

Dear mystery dude, 

 

I want to start this letter by saying that I’m not weirded out in any way by your “gay like” for me. And I hope that you’re not weirded out by what I’m about to tell you. 

 

The thing is, I’m not actually a guy. Well, I am sometimes. It’s complicated. I’m genderfluid, which means that I change between male and female. I’m female more often, but I’m still male sometimes, so always ask me what pronouns I’m using. Not that you’ll have any reason to use my pronouns. And I’ll probably have changed several times between letters since it seems to be taking us a few days to respond. Whatever. 

 

You’re actually the only person at school that I’ve told, apart from Sam. I have friends through art classes and stuff (you know, programs for “at-risk teens”) who know, but I haven’t been very comfy telling people here. It’s kinda too bad really because if you think I’m hot now, you should see me when I’m actually being confident. Maybe I’ll give you a picture some time. 

 

Anyways, that got a whole lot more personal than I thought it would. I guess that since this whole thing is somewhat anonymous I feel better about it. But if you tell people I’ll strangle you with my pottery wire (art classes have their perks.) 

 

About Samirah, by the way. I can’t believe you know her! She’s actually my sister! Well, half-sister (I’ve already told you enough personal shit, I’ll save the family drama for another letter.) And I promise I won’t ask her about this, I haven’t brought it up to anyone so don’t worry. I still have no idea who you are. 

What type of music do you like to listen to? And what kinds of books do you like to read? I have to know so I can judge you. 

 

Yours Truly, 

 

Alex Fierro 

 

***

 

Alex, 

 

First of all, thank you so much for telling me. And it’s not weird or complicated at all. Gender is big and kinda mushy, and you shouldn’t feel like you have to explain how you interact with it to me. Like I said before, gender isn’t really something I think about when it comes to who I like. I’m still head over heels for you.     

 

It’s so cool that you do art! I’ve tried a bit myself, but I have two left hands when it comes to drawing. Or painting. Anything artistic really. What is your favourite type of art? 

 

I’m a bit nervous about telling you my tastes in books and music, are you really going to judge me? Oh boy, here we go. 

 

I listen to a lot of grunge stuff, and some punk. I really like Nirvana, the Dead Kennedys, the Clash,  Alice in Chains, L7, and Crass. What about you? 

 

I looked at the books I like, and it’s mostly just comics. I like Scott Pilgrim, Sandman, and Fables. In terms of like, novels, I really like thrillers and sci-fi so like, Steven King, Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett, that kind of stuff. Again, what about you? 

 

Oh yeah, I asked Samirah what you were like and she says that you’re a “pain in the butt, but kinda cool.” I’m not sure what to do with this information. 

 

***

 

Dear anonymous, 

 

You have good taste in music, but it’s, like, so male. I’m making you a CD with some riot girl and queercore. Good job with L7 though, I like them. 

 

I also like sci-fi, and for a while, I was actually married to Neil Gaiman (Sam can confirm this.) Again though, so male. And so white. Dude… 

 

You need to read Octavia Butler, she’s awesome! Also Ursula K LeGuin, Sylvia Plath, Margaret Atwood, Nnedi Okorafor, and Lisa Tuttle. I could honestly go on and on and on. Also, if you want, I can hook you up with some zines a friend from art class makes. 

 

My favourite art form is pottery, that’s what I’m focusing on. I’ve been practising for 5 years now, but it takes something like 20 to master so I’m still getting there. 

 

Also, have you read Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett? It’s amazing!!!

 

With love,

Alex

 

***

 

Alex,

 

Good Omens is so good! It’s one of my favourite books! 

 

You brought up a good point, almost everything that I interact with was created by some white guy. I guess that since I am a white guy it doesn’t bother me, but then I started asking myself why that was and now I feel kinda weird about myself. Don’t take that the wrong way, it’s a good weird, like I’m actually gonna try to diversify my interests. I’ve placed holds on at least one book by each of the authors you recommended at the library, and I can’t wait for that mixtape (insert me winking awkwardly.) 

 

I asked Sam about the Neil Gaiman thing and she asked how I knew. I told her that you brought it up in English class (spoilers, we take English together.) You wrote him a letter asking him to marry you? Sam says that his acceptance letter was actually her. 

 

I think that Sam’s figured out how I feel about you. Why is your sister so perceptive? I hate it. 

 

And I know you probably don’t want to talk about your family stuff, but if you ever do just know that my folks are kinda messed up too, and there’s no judgement going on. 

 

Another thing that I hate to bring up but feel I should: You signed your last letter “with love,” what does this mean? Do you have feelings for me? You don’t have to say anything, but like, I’d like to know.

 

***

Mixed CD

 

*** 

 

Dear White Guy,

 

That was Sam!? My childhood is ruined. 

 

I gave you a CD, I hope you like it. It was only semi-illegal, I promise. 

 

I’m so glad you’re listening to my recommendations! What books did you order? 

 

About the family stuff, I don't really want to talk about it. Maybe some other time. It’s not really a big deal, but there’s just a lot of bad memories that come up when I talk about it. If you really want to know though, you can ask Sam. I won’t mind. 

 

So, the elephant in the room, huh? I hate to say this, but I actually don’t know if it’s possible for me to have feelings for you. Not that it’s anything personal, I’m sure that if I knew who you were I’d end up developing something for you. But right now all you are to me is words on paper, I haven’t formed you into a human being yet. 

 

To be completely honest, I’ve kinda been hoping that you’re a specific someone. I know it probably isn’t the case but… I don’t know. I’ve had a crush on this guy for almost as long as you’ve liked me. You two seem pretty similar, but I might just be making up connections. 

 

I’m sorry, I know that was really harsh. 

 

Sincerely, 

 

Alex

 

***

 

Alex,

 

I listened to your CD non-stop over the weekend. Thank you so much for making it. I especially love the Aye Nako song, it was so good! 

 

The books I ordered are:

  • Lilith’s Brood (3 books in one)
  • The Left Hand of Darkness
  • The Bell Jar
  • The Handmaid’s Tale
  • Zahrah the Windseeker 
  • The Mysteries 

 

The Handmaid’s Tale and Lilith’s Brood have both come in and Zahrah the Windseeker is in transit. 

 

I haven’t asked Sam about your family stuff, just because I don’t want her to know we’re talking. Not that I’m embarrassed or anything, I just kinda want this whole thing to be between the two of us. 

 

Who’s this guy you have a crush on? I really don’t mind that you like him, it’s enough that we’re talking. I mean, I want you to like me, of course, but I can’t force feelings. 

 

You should ask this guy out though, maybe leave a note in his locker. 

 

***

 

Dear Mr Respecting Boundaries, 

 

I’m sorry this note took so long for me to send, it’s been a rough week. Don’t want to talk about it. Yes, I’m fine. 

 

I’m just going to cut straight to the chase (wow, foreshadowing.) The guy I like is Sam’s friend, Magnus. I thought you two might be the same person since, honestly, Sam doesn’t have many friends but I know that the probability of that happening is next to nothing. 

 

So yeah. 

 

I’m sorry for breaking your heart. I wasn’t sure that was something I was capable of until now. Nobody told me that it’d feel this shitty. 

 

I’d like for us to keep talking though, I don’t know, you’re cool. Keep these letters coming, please.

 

But in the off chance that you are Magnus, which is unlikely, I want you to stop. Stop with these letters and awkward flirting. If you are Magnus Chase I want you to tell me, in person. I want to be able to hug and touch and kiss you because I’ve wanted to do so for the longest time and if it is Magnus Chase that I’m talking to, I know I won’t be able to live with the fact that I let that slip through my fingers. 

 

So I guess I’ll wait and see if I get another letter.

 

Sincerely, 

 

Alex Fierro