Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Alex, 

So I know leaving notes in people’s lockers isn’t actually, like, a thing, but I haven’t been able to get the nerves to talk to you in person. Honestly, whenever I see you in the halls, my heart goes 100 bpm and all my blood rushes to my head. So, locker letters it is. 

Here’s the thing, I’ve had a crush on you since seventh grade. Woohoo, there it is. I know you probably don’t like me back, it’s hard to believe that someone like you could like someone like me, but I just, I don’t know, wanted to let you know. 

So yeah, there I go. That’s all I wanted to say. If by any chance you want to respond you can leave a note in the French-English dictionary in the library. I know for a fact that no one uses it. 

*** 

Dear mystery note leaver, 

This is Alex. You probably know that, since no one else has read your letter (I promise.) 

What do I say in this situation? Well, of course, I want to know who you are, but I feel like that’s out of the question (correct me if I’m wrong.) I doubt that I wouldn’t like you, but I can’t say for sure since I don’t know you. Oh well. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you’re great. 

I was very flattered by your note. I have to be honest though and say that I can’t see where you’re coming from. I’m actually kinda boring once you get to know me. 

You’ll probably try to fight me on that but you don’t have any proof that I’m wrong since in your letter it said you and I have never talked. And you’ll have to accept my low self-esteem, teenagers act like that. 

I’d also like to know more about you if that’s ok. What grade are you in? What do you look like? Who are your friends? What are your pronouns? What do you like to do in your spare time? I’m curious. 

If you want to respond, leave a letter in my locker like last time. I’m looking forward to it. 

Sincerely, 

Alex Fierro 

***

Alex,

You answered my note (Insert me screaming here.) I’ve read it at least ten times already, and I’ve finally figured out what to say.

First of all, I know you aren’t boring because I know people who know you. More on this later. 

Also, I’m not that great, and you’ll have to take my word for it because you don’t know who I am. 

Now for your questions:

• I’m in grade 10, same as you.  
• I can’t tell you what I look like because… spoilers dude
• I also can’t tell you who my friends are because more spoilers, but I do know Samirah, who I’ve seen talking to you (this is who I mentioned before) 
• I use he/him pronouns 
• In my spare time, I like to read, listen to music, and draw. 

Also, I really hope you don’t freak out about the fact that I’m a guy. Sexuality is complicated and I figured out that I kinda don’t care? I don’t know, that sounds weird. But I really don’t want you to stop talking to me just because I like you. Well, you knew I liked you, but now it’s like a gay like and that might weird you out. 

Not that I’m saying you’re homophobic, I just don’t know you well enough. Also, I used the word like too many times in that paragraph. I’m sorry. 

If you still want to talk, leave your note in the dictionary like last time. 

***

Dear mystery dude, 

I want to start this letter by saying that I’m not weirded out in any way by your “gay like” for me. And I hope that you’re not weirded out by what I’m about to tell you. 

The thing is, I’m not actually a guy. Well, I am sometimes. It’s complicated. I’m genderfluid, which means that I change between male and female. I’m female more often, but I’m still male sometimes, so always ask me what pronouns I’m using. Not that you’ll have any reason to use my pronouns. And I’ll probably have changed several times between letters since it seems to be taking us a few days to respond. Whatever. 

You’re actually the only person at school that I’ve told, apart from Sam. I have friends through art classes and stuff (you know, programs for “at-risk teens”) who know, but I haven’t been very comfy telling people here. It’s kinda too bad really because if you think I’m hot now, you should see me when I’m actually being confident. Maybe I’ll give you a picture some time. 

Anyways, that got a whole lot more personal than I thought it would. I guess that since this whole thing is somewhat anonymous I feel better about it. But if you tell people I’ll strangle you with my pottery wire (art classes have their perks.) 

About Samirah, by the way. I can’t believe you know her! She’s actually my sister! Well, half-sister (I’ve already told you enough personal shit, I’ll save the family drama for another letter.) And I promise I won’t ask her about this, I haven’t brought it up to anyone so don’t worry. I still have no idea who you are. 

What type of music do you like to listen to? And what kinds of books do you like to read? I have to know so I can judge you. 

Yours Truly, 

Alex Fierro 

***

Alex, 

First of all, thank you so much for telling me. And it’s not weird or complicated at all. Gender is big and kinda mushy, and you shouldn’t feel like you have to explain how you interact with it to me. Like I said before, gender isn’t really something I think about when it comes to who I like. I’m still head over heels for you.     

It’s so cool that you do art! I’ve tried a bit myself, but I have two left hands when it comes to drawing. Or painting. Anything artistic really. What is your favourite type of art? 

I’m a bit nervous about telling you my tastes in books and music, are you really going to judge me? Oh boy, here we go. 

I listen to a lot of grunge stuff, and some punk. I really like Nirvana, the Dead Kennedys, the Clash,  Alice in Chains, L7, and Crass. What about you? 

I looked at the books I like, and it’s mostly just comics. I like Scott Pilgrim, Sandman, and Fables. In terms of like, novels, I really like thrillers and sci-fi so like, Steven King, Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett, that kind of stuff. Again, what about you? 

Oh yeah, I asked Samirah what you were like and she says that you’re a “pain in the butt, but kinda cool.” I’m not sure what to do with this information. 

***

Dear anonymous, 

You have good taste in music, but it’s, like, so male. I’m making you a CD with some riot girl and queercore. Good job with L7 though, I like them. 

I also like sci-fi, and for a while, I was actually married to Neil Gaiman (Sam can confirm this.) Again though, so male. And so white. Dude… 

You need to read Octavia Butler, she’s awesome! Also Ursula K LeGuin, Sylvia Plath, Margaret Atwood, Nnedi Okorafor, and Lisa Tuttle. I could honestly go on and on and on. Also, if you want, I can hook you up with some zines a friend from art class makes. 

My favourite art form is pottery, that’s what I’m focusing on. I’ve been practising for 5 years now, but it takes something like 20 to master so I’m still getting there. 

Also, have you read Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett? It’s amazing!!!

With love,

Alex

***

Alex,

Good Omens is so good! It’s one of my favourite books! 

You brought up a good point, almost everything that I interact with was created by some white guy. I guess that since I am a white guy it doesn’t bother me, but then I started asking myself why that was and now I feel kinda weird about myself. Don’t take that the wrong way, it’s a good weird, like I’m actually gonna try to diversify my interests. I’ve placed holds on at least one book by each of the authors you recommended at the library, and I can’t wait for that mixtape (insert me winking awkwardly.) 

I asked Sam about the Neil Gaiman thing and she asked how I knew. I told her that you brought it up in English class (spoilers, we take English together.) You wrote him a letter asking him to marry you? Sam says that his acceptance letter was actually her. 

I think that Sam’s figured out how I feel about you. Why is your sister so perceptive? I hate it. 

And I know you probably don’t want to talk about your family stuff, but if you ever do just know that my folks are kinda messed up too, and there’s no judgement going on. 

Another thing that I hate to bring up but feel I should: You signed your last letter “with love,” what does this mean? Do you have feelings for me? You don’t have to say anything, but like, I’d like to know.

***

Mixed CD

*** 

Dear White Guy,

That was Sam!? My childhood is ruined. 

I gave you a CD, I hope you like it. It was only semi-illegal, I promise. 

I’m so glad you’re listening to my recommendations! What books did you order? 

About the family stuff, I don't really want to talk about it. Maybe some other time. It’s not really a big deal, but there’s just a lot of bad memories that come up when I talk about it. If you really want to know though, you can ask Sam. I won’t mind. 

So, the elephant in the room, huh? I hate to say this, but I actually don’t know if it’s possible for me to have feelings for you. Not that it’s anything personal, I’m sure that if I knew who you were I’d end up developing something for you. But right now all you are to me is words on paper, I haven’t formed you into a human being yet. 

To be completely honest, I’ve kinda been hoping that you’re a specific someone. I know it probably isn’t the case but… I don’t know. I’ve had a crush on this guy for almost as long as you’ve liked me. You two seem pretty similar, but I might just be making up connections. 

I’m sorry, I know that was really harsh. 

Sincerely, 

Alex

***

Alex,

I listened to your CD non-stop over the weekend. Thank you so much for making it. I especially love the Aye Nako song, it was so good! 

The books I ordered are:

• Lilith’s Brood (3 books in one)
• The Left Hand of Darkness
• The Bell Jar
• The Handmaid’s Tale
• Zahrah the Windseeker 
• The Mysteries 

The Handmaid’s Tale and Lilith’s Brood have both come in and Zahrah the Windseeker is in transit. 

I haven’t asked Sam about your family stuff, just because I don’t want her to know we’re talking. Not that I’m embarrassed or anything, I just kinda want this whole thing to be between the two of us. 

Who’s this guy you have a crush on? I really don’t mind that you like him, it’s enough that we’re talking. I mean, I want you to like me, of course, but I can’t force feelings. 

You should ask this guy out though, maybe leave a note in his locker. 

***

Dear Mr Respecting Boundaries, 

I’m sorry this note took so long for me to send, it’s been a rough week. Don’t want to talk about it. Yes, I’m fine. 

I’m just going to cut straight to the chase (wow, foreshadowing.) The guy I like is Sam’s friend, Magnus. I thought you two might be the same person since, honestly, Sam doesn’t have many friends but I know that the probability of that happening is next to nothing. 

So yeah. 

I’m sorry for breaking your heart. I wasn’t sure that was something I was capable of until now. Nobody told me that it’d feel this shitty. 

I’d like for us to keep talking though, I don’t know, you’re cool. Keep these letters coming, please.

But in the off chance that you are Magnus, which is unlikely, I want you to stop. Stop with these letters and awkward flirting. If you are Magnus Chase I want you to tell me, in person. I want to be able to hug and touch and kiss you because I’ve wanted to do so for the longest time and if it is Magnus Chase that I’m talking to, I know I won’t be able to live with the fact that I let that slip through my fingers. 

So I guess I’ll wait and see if I get another letter.

Sincerely, 

Alex Fierro

Chapter Text

It wasn’t Magnus that left the letters. At least, that’s what Alex concluded. She’d been hopeful for a few days, taking what she knew about Magnus and what she knew about whoever it was that left her those notes and concluding that neither of them would step right into it and talk to her. But the days turned to weeks, and as each Monday came around Alex became less and less optimistic. 

Try as she might however, Alex couldn’t stop hoping that maybe, just maybe, it had been Magnus who left the notes. At night she played different scenarios in her head; Magnus running towards her holding an armful of their letters, Magnus confessing to her with a bouquet of flowers and some chocolate, taking Magnus to her favourite spots in the city. But there hadn’t been any signal that Magnus knew what was going on.

Then again, the letters had stopped. 

***

“Alex, I need to use you sometime.”

“What do you mean?” 

“Amir and I need to talk, you know, away from my grandparents, and you’re my only male relative who isn’t my grandad.”

“I’m not-“

“- I know, I know. Sorry. But when you are male will you do this for me?” 

“Will I get food out of it?”

“…Yes. And I’ll bring a friend so it’s not like you’re third wheeling.” 

“So it’ll be like… a double date?”

“Sure.”

“No.”

“Please?”

“Fine, but don’t bring a friend.”

“Ok, I won’t. Thanks, Alex.”

“Anything for you, Samirah.”

***

Alex shouldn’t have gone on about Magnus like she did in her final letter. It probably scarred the poor guy away. She was regretting it now, as her pen pall had been the closest thing she had to a friend at school. 

Away from school on the other hand, now that was a different story. Every day after the last bell rang she practically ran home, or at least to wherever she was keeping her things, changed out of her uniform, and went to the pottery studio. There she was met with some of her best friends, a hot meal, and a lump of clay that she could do anything she wanted with. 

It was a joy to mould. Even if nothing came out of it, pressing and shaping and cutting the clay relaxed Alex, which was always nice after a long day at school. She didn’t keep half of the things she made, she usually let the studio put them on display or smashed them. Breaking the pots were almost as nice as making them. The first few times she’d done it Alex felt sad for the loss of the art, she eventually began to distance herself from the pottery. Clay was clay. 

*** 

It took a while to get Sam’s date coordinated. They had to wait for a time when Alex was male, Sam wasn’t busy, and Amir was off work. Even then they could only find a thirty-minute time slot between Amir’s shifts. 

The day it happened, Sam ran into Alex (quite literally) a few minutes after the bell rang. She had been doing this whenever both she and Amir were free to see if Alex was able to chaperone, but before it hadn’t worked out. 

Sam didn’t even have to say anything, she and Alex were beyond that. She gave him a look, Alex nodded, then Sam pumped her fist and dragged him outside. 

“So where are we going?” Alex asked after a few minutes of jogging next to his sister. 

“Just to the mall, where he works. His shift starts at four, so if we get there by three thirty we’ll have half an hour together.” 

Alex laughed a bit. Sam’s life was packed to the millisecond. “Why do you want to see him without your grandpa anyways?” He asked. 

Sam gave him a look. “Really, Alex?” She asked. “Imagine there’s someone you really like, ok?” 

Alex’s mind immediately went to Magnus, but he didn’t say anything. 

“Now imagine that you get to see this person about once a month,” Sam continued,  “And when you do get to spend time together it’s in the presence of a 65 year old man who doesn’t know how to talk about anything but his health problems and family gossip.” 

“Ok, I get it. Sucks to be you.”

As the two reached the corner they slowed down, changed direction, and walked towards a bus shelter. Sam leaned against the wall and peered down the street. With the bus nowhere in sight, she sighed and turned back to Alex. 

“So, what have you been up to these days?” Sam asked. 

“Same old, same old,” Alex said with a shrug. He was tempted to tell Sam about the notes he had been getting, but decided not to. It had been almost a month since he sent the last letter and nothing had happened. Plus, Sam was friends with both Magnus and the guy who’d been leaving him the notes. Alex didn’t want to start any drama. 

“Still doing pottery?”

“You bet,” Alex said, then thought for a moment before saying, “You should come by the studio sometime, it’s super cool there.” 

Sam smiled weakly and wrapped her arms around her torso, part reassurance, part defence. “Maybe I will,” she said. 

Alex knew that meant no, but it was what he was expecting. This was the first time the two had really spent time together when it wasn’t absolutely necessary. He understood if Sam didn’t want to explore that part of his life.  

The bus came soon enough and the two teens shoved their way in. Alex didn’t know how so many people could fit into one vehicle, but he decided to save his amazement for a time when he could actually breathe. 

As he and Sam twisted around the other passengers in an attempt to get to the back of the bus Alex noticed someone, a guy who appeared to be in his late teens, put his head in his hands and started to cry. The noise was absorbed by the shear amount of bodies on the bus, but Alex could see his face, crumpled and red, his features nothing but smudges. 

Alex wondered if Magnus allowed himself to cry. He wasn’t sure. Magnus was strange; strong in a soft way, hard as he was delicate. Alex longed to see him cry, or laugh. He longed to see Magnus after a long day, wanted to know what he did when he got home from school. 

How often did Magnus eat? What was it like hugging him? Did he read curled up or sprawled out? And did Magnus allow himself to cry? 

Eventually, Sam nudged Alex’s shoulder and pointed to the front of the bus where the street name was being displayed to indicate that they had reached their stop. The two shoved their way through the crowd to the door, which popped open after Sam rammed her shoulder into it. She and Alex bust onto the sidewalk, gasping the fresh air. 

“I hate public transit,” Alex proclaimed. 

Sam nodded, “Tell me about it.” 

“We’re gonna be late,” Alex said, noticing the time on a clock inside a store. Sam groaned, grabbed Alex’s sleeve and started walking towards the mall, which was about a block away. As they got closer Alex felt the grip on his clothes tighten. By the time they had reached the entrance his sleeve was bundled in Sam’s fist, the cloth twisted around his sister’s fingers. 

“You ok?” Alex asked, looking down at Sam’s hand. She let go of his sleeve, blushing. 

“I’m a bit nervous,” Sam admitted. 

“Come on Sam, I’ve seen you trash talk Martin B. to the guy’s face, and that dude brought a knife to school.” 

“Yeah, but that’s different.” 

“I don’t think your 16-year-old fiancee is going to murder you, Sam.” 

“He can murder my heart.” 

Alex rolled his eyes and took a chunk of fabric on Sam’s sleeve into his hand. “Let’s go,” he said and dragged his sister inside. 

Alex was immediately grateful that he was holding onto Sam because if that weren’t the case the two would surely get separated. People flowed through the mall as if it were a river and for a second Alex was sure he would drown. 

Thankfully Sam seemed to know where she was going and took the lead. She flowed with the crowd, leading Alex past store upon store and shopper upon shopper. Alex gazed at the shop displays: dioramas of women in ripped jeans, advertisements for phones, lamps and furniture pilled on top of each other. 

This wasn’t the place for Alex. There were too many people, and they all seemed to enjoy what they were doing. Where was their distaste for the companies they bought from? Where was the panic over prices? Where was the discomfort of looking at a model who you knew would never resemble you? 

The crowd thickened by the food court and Alex moved a bit closer to his sister. Sam looked almost as uncomfortable as him, but she had a determination that Alex lacked. She scanned the booths, looking for Amir, and sprang forward once she saw him. 

Sam’s fiancee was a handsome guy, tall and muscular with hair that defied gravity. His work shirt showed off his biceps, one of which had Arabic text tattooed across it. Alex whistled once he saw him, which earned him a sharp jab in the side from Sam’s elbow. 

The two weaved their way through the crowd and collapsed in relief when they finally reached the booth where Amir was sitting. 

“Hey,” Amir said once the two had fallen into the seat across from him. “I’m Amir, which you probably know,” he said, holding his hand out to Alex. After shaking it Amir turned to Sam and put his hand over his heart. “It’s nice to see you again, Sam.” 

Sam flushed a bit but smiled at her fiancee, “It’s nice to see you too.”

Watching Sam and Amir talk was like watching a romantic comedy. The two seemed enthralled with each other and hardly gave Alex a glance after the first few minutes of their conversation. 

After he realized that he wasn’t going to be included Alex zoned out and thought about Magnus. He’d been doing that whenever he got the chance lately. 

The thing was, Alex had pretty much given up on Magnus by the time he got the note in his locker. He’d had a crush on him since middle school and figured it was time he either made a move or moved on. And since Magnus wasn’t involved in any of the activities Alex was, took almost all honours courses, and seemed to freeze up whoever Alex tried to talk to him, Alex figured that the latter open was better. 

Then he’d gotten that note, and, being hopeless and head over heals, immediately thought it was Magnus who left it. On a deeper level Alex knew that was highly unlikely, but getting that note had rekindled his crush. It had given him hope that maybe, just maybe, he hadn’t spent three years pining over this dude for nothing, that maybe something would come out of his useless crush. 

Now Alex had lost his pen pall and gotten no closer to Magnus. His crush, however, newly relit, refused to die out again and he was back to giving Magnus longing glances in English class and writing him poetry in his head. 

Every so often Alex would turn to the happy couple, swat at Sam’s hand, and say something along the lines of: “Stop flirting you, crazy kids.” Sam would then roll her eyes, swat Alex’s hand back, and continue her conversation with Amir. 

Alex wondered if he’d ever find someone like that. Someone he could talk to and let the world slip away. He wanted to be annoyed at his sister for excluding him, but he really couldn’t hold it against her. She was in love, that was clear, and Alex didn’t want to get in the way of that. 

“Oh no, my shift is starting soon,” Amir said after a while. 

Sam’s face fell and she reached across the table for Amir’s hand, only to receive a karate chop across her arm from Alex. Amir laughed a bit and Alex removed his hand. 

“Good thing I’m here,” Alex said, “Who knows what would have happened if I wasn’t.” 

“My hero,” Sam said, her voice dripping with sarcasm. 

“It’s all in a day’s work for Chaperone Man!” 

“Next time can Chaperone Man do his job without giving me a bruise?” 

Alex though for a bit before saying, “No.” 

“It was great meeting you, Alex,” Amir said, practically beaming. 

“You too,” Alex told him. Amir waved goodbye, then made his way across the food court to his dad’s restaurant for his shift. 

Once he was gone Alex turned to his sister and grinned. 

“Shut up,” Sam told him.

“I didn’t say anything!”

“You were thinking it!”

“Oh, I’m sorry. It’s not like I’m thinking about stuff all the time. It’s not like that’s a thing that humans do.” 

“Ok, now you’re saying stuff.” 

“Can I come to the wedding? I’ll be Amir’s best man. Or your maid of honour, depending on how I feel. Or I’ll be the priest! Can I officiate your wedding?” 

“No.” 

“That’s harsh dude.”

Sam rolled her eyes, “Will you do this with me again sometime?” 

“Yeah. Amir’s cool. Plus he’s not bad to look at.” 

Sam jabbed Alex with her elbow for the second time that day, but Alex could see that she was trying to hold back a smile. “Asshole,” she said.

“Jerkface.”

“Asshat.”

“Loser.”

With that Sam looped her arm through Alex’s and the siblings made their way through the mall, insulting each other until they parted ways at the bus stop.

***

When Alex was ten she had decided to read Jane Eyre, a Tale of Two Cities, Crime and Punishment, Moby Dick, and Don Quixote, pretty much one after the other. Her teacher had begged her dad to make use of this talent, to put her into writing classes, or at least buy her some more books. Mr Fierro, being the asshole he was, didn’t do anything. So, one day after school a ten-year-old Alex forged a note dismissing her from school, left class early, and made her way to the public library where she got herself a card. 

From there Alex had a whole world open up to her. She got a new book every Monday at lunch and she always returned them on time so her dad didn’t know. She gobbled up novels like other kids gobbled chips, and once she read one she was left craving more. 

Alex knew that she wouldn’t be the same person if she hadn’t stolen away to the library so much when she was younger, but she couldn’t help but curse her younger self because maybe, just maybe, if she hadn’t been such a veracious reader when she was a kid, she wouldn’t have been placed in honours English alongside Magnus Chase. 

Magnus had developed a reputation at the school for being somewhat of a genius. He’d made honour roll, was taking all advanced classes and had won the science award last year. He also hung around Samirah a lot, who was known for her smarts. The two were Ernie and Bert- honour roll edition. 

Alex was the complete opposite. In her defence though, it’s hard keeping up good grades when you’re constantly worrying about where you’re going to sleep. She was constantly congratulated for staying in school by her peers at the pottery studio, and one kid even said they viewed her as a role model. Still, nobody could say she was good in school when comparing her to Magnus. 

So, because teachers love to “help you” while simultaneously making your life a living hell,  Alex and Magnus were forced to become study buddies for English class. 

Alex wished she could explain that pairing her with Magnus would have a negative effect on her mark. There was no way that she could focus on Shakespeare while being within two feet of him. But apparently teenage hormones aren’t a good enough reason to opt out of something your teacher has put in place to help you so Alex kept quiet. 

“Alex!” Magnus called. It was after class and had been a few days since they’d been told they would have to work together. 

Alex bit the inside of his cheek and turned around. “What is it?”

“Ms Nguyen wanted me to help you… I was wondering when you’re free.” 

“Whenever. After school some time?”

“Sure. Do Thursdays work?”

Alex nodded. 

“Ok, awesome,” Magnus said, “We can go to my house if you like, or yours if-“

“-Let’s go to the library,” Alex interjected. There was no way she was going to Magnus’ house. 

“Right, forgot about that. Um, here’s my phone number. If you need to call me or anything you can…” Magnus held out a piece of paper with a string of number on it. 

“Thanks,” Alex said, taking the paper. Magnus smiled at her for a moment, making her flush pink. Magnus then opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but seemed to change his mind and bit his bottom lip. 

“Ok, see you around,” Magnus said once the moment had passed.

“See you,” Alex replied. She wondered what Magnus was going to say. 

***

Alex’s spine tingled as cold water rushed over her head, washing away the green dye that had been sitting in her hair for the past half hour. She could feel her vertebrae rub against the edge of the bathtub and arched her back a bit to reduce her discomfort. Soon enough, the water stopped and Heera turned to the sink to refill the container she’d been using to rinse Alex’s hair. 

Another stream hit Alex’s head and she giggled a bit, which made Heera smile. Her friend then emptied the container onto Alex’s face, causing her to gasp and splutter. 

“You little shit,” Alex remarked once the water was gone. 

“I think that you’re the littlest shit here babe,” Heera said as she pulled a towel off the shelf and wrapped it around Alex’s head. 

“I dumpster dove for you,” retorted Alex, pushing herself away from the tub. Her top was soaked. 

“I learned to cut hair for you. Do you want to borrow a shirt?” 

Alex nodded and Heera popped out of the bathroom for a minute. When she came back she was holding a bright orange t-shirt and a few bottles of essential oils. 

“So Pat told me that you’ve gone all mushy over some guy at your school,” Heera said, passing Alex the shirt. She averted her eyes as Alex changed, then made her sit on the toilet. 

“I haven’t gone ‘mushy.’”

“Pat says you made him a mix tape?” 

“That doesn’t mean anything.” 

Heera hummed, unconvinced, and grabbed a comb off the counter. 

“Besides,” Alex said as Heera ran the comb through her hair, “That’s not the guy Pat means. Well, he might be. It’s really complicated.”

“Sounds like it.” 

“I have no idea who I made that tape for. I really want it to be this one dude, but it probably isn’t.” 

The smell of tea tree hit the air as Heera poured some oil into her hands and ran them through Alex’s hair. Alex leaned into her friend’s hands a bit. She’d gone weeks without being touched and hadn’t realized how much she missed it. 

“What did you put on the tape?” 

“The Julie Ruin, Le Tigre, Bikini Kill-“

“The holy trinity of Kathleen Hanna.” 

“That’s right. What else? Joan Jett, I think, Aye Nako…” 

Heera nodded and took her hands away. Alex sighed a bit, but her friend’s hands soon came back, this time covered with rosemary oil. 

“So why don’t you know who you made it for?”

“Someone left a note in my locker and we started talking. But it was all anonymous.”

“Alex has a secret admirer!”

Alex rolled her eyes, “Not anymore. He stopped sending me letters after I ranted about how much I liked this other guy.” 

“Smooth.” 

“I know, right?” 

Heera poured some ylang-ylang onto her hands and went over Alex’s hair one more time. When she was done she fluffed it up a bit. “Do you want me to braid it or something?” 

“I’m alright.” 

“You’re all done then,” Heera told her. She cracked her knuckles, washed her hands, then slipped her kara- a steel bangle that she’d removed so as not to dye it green- back onto her wrist. As she washed up Alex wandered into the living room. 

Heera lived in a small apartment in the East end. She was one of the only people Alex knew from the studio that owned her own place, and Alex had crashed there a few times in the winter. She never stayed for more than a few days though since she felt bad for taking up her friend’s space. 

Alex took a seat at the table where she had dumped a pile of food and books, her payment for the haircut. Heera had an employee discount at Shopper’s Drug Mart, which Alex used to buy jars of green Manic Panic. Once her friend realized that Alex wasn’t going to stop she offered to cut and dye her hair in return for anything Alex could bring her. Heera had never had her hair cut in her life, much less cut hair by herself, but after a few months of practice she could style like a pro. 

Alex picked a book off the pile and flipped through it. It was called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus and was pretty much the straightest book out there. Alex had picked it up as a joke, but she was staring to feel a bit weird about it. 

“Do you want tea or something?” Heera asked after emerging from the bathroom. Alex nodded and her friend put on the kettle. 

“Where are you staying?” Heera asked once the tea was on, taking a seat across from Alex at the table. 

“I’ve been at a shelter for the past few days. It’s getting warmer so I’m gonna start sleeping outside soon.” 

Heera frowned, “You know how I feel about that, right?”

“I know, I know,” Alex said, “But I’m ok. Really.” 

“You can always stay with me if you need it.”

“I know. I’ll call you if anything comes up.”

“How are you doing in school?”

“Fine. I’m passing everything. Except for gym.”

“How do you fail gym?”

“You skip 99% of your classes.” 

“I see,” Heera said with a smirk. 

“Shut up.” 

“Hey, there’s no judgment here. I dropped out of phys-ed in grade 9 because people were making fun of my turban.” 

“I went for the first few classes but I was really uncomfortable in the locker room.” 

Heera leaned back and closed her eyes. “I’m so glad that shit’s behind me now.” 

Alex sighed, “I can’t wait until it’s over.” 

“Do you know what you’re gonna do next?” 

“Well I’m already a starving artist so I guess I’ll keep that up. Maybe apply for some scholarships. I don’t think I’m smart enough to earn a full ride though.” 

“Don’t call yourself stupid, stupid,” Heera said, leaning over and swatting Alex’s shoulder. 

Alex rolled her eyes and the kettle started to whistle. Heera made her way to the kitchen and turned off the stove, then took some mugs out of the cupboard. 

“What do you want? I have lemon, mint, chai, earl grey, camomile, and orange.”

“Mint, please.” 

“Coming right up.” 

***

After the trouble Sam and Alex had originally, it was surprisingly easy to coordinate Sam’s dates after the first few times they did it. Every day Sam would stand outside Alex’s last period class and raise her eyebrows once her sibling came out. If Alex was male Sam would get a thumbs up, if Alex was female she’d get a thumbs down, then the two either parted ways or went to the mall together. Sam had even gotten into the habit of brining extra bus tickets for Alex. 

One day, a few weeks after the first date, Sam approached Alex about bringing someone else along. Alex’s place as a third wheel hadn’t changed, and Sam noticed this. Although Alex was reluctant at first he figured that it was better than staring at the happy couple for half an hour and agreed.

That was a mistake.

*** 

“Alright, alright, let’s learn about some mice and men!” Magnus exclaimed as he took out his English notes. The two were seated in the back of the public library, at a table surrounded by bookshelves. The paper absorbed almost all the noise from the other patrons and Alex was struck by how secluded they were. 

“My two favourite subjects,” Alex deadpanned. Despite her attitude, she was a bit happy she was doing this. She didn’t want to start an honours class just to fail it. 

When Magnus smiled it was like being transported to a sunny day in mid-June, and Alex wasn’t ready for seeing it so close up. “I mean, it’s not really about mice and men. It’s about Human nature. Friendship. The American Dream. Isolation. Poverty. Death.” 

“Fun.” 

“I know right?” 

Alex rolled her eyes and Magnus smiled again. Dear god, her heart didn’t deserve that. 

“You don’t have a very positive attitude.”

“Well, no. It’s a book about some dude who kills soft things.” 

“But no positive attitude towards English?” 

Alex shook her head, “Nah.” 

“How’d you get into an honours class then?” 

“Fifth grade me was a precocious little fuck.” 

Magnus’ laugh was three times as brilliant as his smile and Alex could feel herself burning up as he chuckled. When he was done he rested his head on his hand for a moment and looked at her with an expression that Alex couldn’t decode. She held his eyes for a moment then looked away. 

As she was recovering from the moment Magnus started putting the notes away. Alex snapped out of her daze quickly and shot him a questioning look.

“Obviously I’m not going to engage with you by reading out the notes I took in class,” Magnus explained, “So let’s try something else.” 

“Like?” 

“Let’s see… How about we both find some books we really like, come back in 10 minutes and then share the reasons that we like them.”

Alex smiled for the first time that day. She could talk about books she liked. She could really do that. 

When Magnus noticed Alex’s expression he beamed again, then stood up. Alex followed his lead and soon enough the two had parted ways.

Alex made her way through the shelves, reading the titles as she walked. Every so often she’d see a book she liked and stopped, pulling it out. She twisted around tables, stood on her toes, went through her list of titles she loved. Magnus was offering her a chance to enjoy herself and she wouldn’t let it slip past her. 

After virtually climbing around the library, Alex had a stack of 5 books in her hands. Just as she was about to look at her options again, to see if they were really her favourites, she heard a voice whisper her name. Alex jumped a bit, then spun around to see who was there. Strangely, there wasn’t anyone else in her aisle. 

“Alex?” the voice whispered again. Alex recognized it as Magnus’ and let out a sigh of relief. 

“Magnus? Where are you?” Alex asked softly.

“Fiction authors with last names A-D.”

“I’m by the authors with last names E-G. I think I’m in the row beside you.”

“One minute,” Magnus whispered. Alex turned to the end of the aisle, expecting Magnus to walk around the shelves to meet her. After several seconds Alex started to get impatient but was quickly snapped out of it when she heard a series of thumps behind her. 

Alex spun towards the noise and saw that a few books had fallen to the floor. She started to put them back but stopped when she saw Magnus who grinning at her from the other side of the shelf through the gap of books. 

“What did you just do?” Alex asked, leaning toward the gap so as to be closer to Magnus. It was something she did instinctively, only realizing how intimate their position was after it was too late for her to move without seeming awkward. 

“Well, I took the books on this side of the shelf off, then pushed the books on your side of the shelf onto the floor, which created this nice gap.”

“Why?”

Magnus looked a bit sheepish. “So we can talk through it like we’re in a movie,” he admitted. 

“You’re such a dork,” Alex said, rolling her eyes. Although she acted like it was nothing, she was screaming on the inside. “Are we going to talk about our books through this gap?

“No, don’t be silly,” Magnus said, which made Alex scoff a bit, “Actually, I’ve had this song stuck in my head for like an hour, do you want to listen to it?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be tutoring me?”

“It’s three minutes long.” 

“Ok, fine, whatever.” 

Magnus gave Alex a soft smile, then took out his phone. He played around with it for a moment before placing it on the shelf between them, with the screen dark. He then connected a pair of headphones and slipped his hand through the gap in order to hand a bud to Alex.

When Ms Nguyen suggested that she and Magnus work together, Alex had been picturing the two of them sitting at a table learning about how to formulate proper sentences. She defiantly didn’t expect to be listening to music with him through a gap in books at the library. 

She hadn’t expected Magnus to be such a weirdo either. Sure, his hair was longer than most people’s and Sam said that his diet was primarily made of falafel, but other than that Magnus seemed pretty normal. He defiantly didn’t seem like the type of person who’d share a song with someone they were supposed to be giving homework help to. 

The song started and Alex was greeted with a few seconds of guitar feedback which was quickly replaced by even drums and a melodic instrumental track. The song was catchy enough, but Alex got the strange feeling that she had heard it before. 

“I’ heard a free-floating particle,” The vocalist sang. Her voice was good, but a bit rough, as if she was pushing her voice to sing loud enough.

“Escaped it’s tether two weeks ago/ Brimstone, now it’s hard/ To swallow so just hold on,”

Suddenly Alex was transported to Heera’s apartment about a year ago, Alex sitting on the floor while her friend tried to draw her. The song was playing on the stereo from a CD that Heera’s girlfriend had given her, and Alex was immediately enchanted by it.

“Hey Dave, how are you doing/ I'm in Joshua Tree roaming around today/ Been through the ringer and then some/ Let me know if you'd like some company”

Magnus smiled at her again, Alex met his eyes, then suddenly she knew or at least thought she did. The music along with the books and the way the light fell just so gave Magnus’ eyes a quality that made Alex feel like she could see him- really see him. As if his past, present and future lay in front of Alex within the grey patterns of Magnus’ iris. 

And the secrets that Magnus didn’t know how to say, but did know how to show, all screamed at Alex to touch him, to reach through the gap he’d made in the shelf and run her fingers through his hair, to trace the contours of his face with her thumb.

“The flood on the border doesn't matter to me/ ‘cuz I'm invisible, used and I don't wanna fail to see”

This was the song Alex immediately thought of when she told the boy she’d been writing to that she would share some music. She used a laptop that belonged to one of the leaders at the studio to download the song and burnt it onto a blank CD she’d picked up from a box of giveaways on a corner by the shelter she had been staying at. And Alex had given it to the boy, the boy she had been hoping desperately was Magnus, partly because she wanted to share it and partly because she was curious weather the song would strike the same chord in him as it had in her.

“Counting red flags/ throw them in the trash bag,”

Magnus’ expression changed, becoming soft as unbaked bread, as Alex started to realize what the moment meant. Alex thought of all the times she’d spent wondering what Magnus was really like, and who she had been sending notes to. Suddenly she knew. 

Funny how much could be revealed by a song and a few meaningful looks through a gap in a shelf at the library. 

“The chemtrails leak the conspiracy/ but you'll keep playing along til the saddle tips the sleeve.”

Just as Alex was about to reach over and touch the boy across from her, the music stopped and Magnus’ phone lit up, displaying a contact photo of a well dressed African-American man with the name Blitz over top. She ripped her eyes away from him, the moment was lost, and Magnus picked up the phone. 

“Blitz? Yeah, I’m at the library, with Alex. Alex Fierro? The kid I’m helping with English,” Magnus said into the phone. There was a moment of silence then, “No, I haven’t heard from him. Hearth is an adult you know. Ok, ok, fine. Where did you say he was? Yeah, I’ll go find him.” 

The phone call ended and Magnus looked at Alex apologetically. “Sorry, I’m having some family issues right now. I’ll see you in English tomorrow?”

“Yeah, of course,” Alex said, sad that the moment had been lost. Magnus smiled apologetically again, then put his phone into his pocket and darted away.

***

It was Saturday evening and Alex was spending it smashing pots in the courtyard outside the studio. It hadn’t been a good few days. 

The day after the library had been filled with a nervous energy, the kind you get when you know something big is about to happen. Alex had woken up with the memory of the day before in her mind and anticipated something to come of it. When she went to school she had a spring in her step. 

Then first period came and went, then second, then lunch. In English class, she purposefully sat in Magnus’ view, hoping that he’d come and talk to her, but nothing came of it. The period passed without incident, as did the next. By the end of the day, Alex’s anticipation hadn’t been satisfied and she was left with the energy she’d woken up with. 

The feeling carried well into Saturday and so Alex restored to breaking her pottery. She’d been there for about half an hour, watched the sun slip behind the walls that separated the space from the rest of the neighbourhood, and smashed almost everything she’d made from the time that she received the first note into smithereens. 

Crash- She hated Magnus Chase. 

Crack- She hated playing these games. 

Smash- She hated Magnus’ inability to be straightforward. 

Snap- She hated her own inability to be straightforward with Magnus.

***

“You and Magnus have met before, right?” Sam asked. She, Alex, and Magnus were waiting for the bus to the mall. 

“We have,” Alex said harshly, staring daggers at Magnus’ forehead. Even after getting his anger out on his pots he resented him for not following through on the moment they shared. 

“We have English together.” Magnus supplied, smiling brightly as if nothing had happened between them.

Sam looked between the two, clearly sensing that something was wrong. Magnus seemed oblivious to whatever Sam was picking up, however. “Right, ok,” Sam said, “So we have about a half hour with Amir before he starts his shift. I’m sure you’ll like him, he’s super nice. Right, Alex?” 

Alex nodded tersely, still sending curses towards the boy beside him. Sam twiddled her thumbs, clearly wondering if this had been a bad idea. 

When the bus came the three paid their fare and made their way to the back, where there were a few empty seats. Alex was pushed into the middle of a triad of spots with Sam on one side and Magnus on the other. 

Despite how mad he was that Magnus hadn’t followed through on what happened the night at the library, Alex couldn’t deny that he smelt really good, like lavender and patchouli. After breathing in the scent for a few moments Alex decided that if Magnus did anything to show he was interested- it didn’t even have to be on par with the moment they had shared before- he’d make the move for Magnus. Content with the decision, Alex shed his bitter demeanour and started to chat with the people next to him. 

Soon enough they had reached their stop and the three were swept up into the mall. Alex was grateful that Magnus looked about as lost as he had been his first time at the mall, relying on Sam and Alex who now knew what was going on. 

“Everything here is so clean,” Magnus whispered as he rushed to keep his step in line with Alex’s. 

“I know, it’s kinda scary,” Alex admitted. A stream of people exited a store, cutting him and Magnus off from Sam. Alex stood on his toes, searching for the distinct green of his sister’s hijab, and grabbed Magnus’ sleeve when he spotted it. The two weaved between shoppers like the mall was an obstacle course, and as soon as Alex was close enough he grabbed his sister’s sleeve as well. With the three connected, they picked up their pace and soon reached the food court. 

Amir was sitting in his usual place and after he and Magnus introduced themselves everyone sat down, Alex across from Magnus and Sam across from her fiancee. Conversation was easier with four people there, and Alex started to feel less like a chaperone and more like a normal teenager hanging out with friends. 

Alex’s thoughts caught on that word for a moment. He had never considered anyone at school his friend. He had a group of people he was close to from the pottery studio, but school was different. Sure, there had always been Sam, but she had never really been a friend, more of a reminder of everything messed up in Alex’s life. Apart from her, Alex never really talked with anyone. 

Things had become more relaxed with Sam though, probably a result of helping her spend time with the love of her life. Amir, too, had become a friend, or at least a friendly acquaintance. And Magnus, Magnus used to be a crush, as unobtainable as he was desirable, but now…

The look he’d given at the library meant a lot more than Alex could put into words. At the very least it was Magnus trying to say that it was him who had sent the letter; at the very most he was telling Alex how he felt. Either way, it was significant. 

Alex had to remind himself that he was only going to make a move on Magnus if the other boy gave some sign that he wanted Alex too. The library had been a good indicator, but Magnus had practically ignored Alex after that so he chose to ignore it. 

“So I’m in the pilot’s seat, right,” Sam said, clearly in the middle of a story. Alex brought himself back to the room and focused on his sister. “Amir is sitting in the passenger section along with his dad, and my grandparents. We’re pretty high up when the turbulence picks up and…” 

Alex smiled at his sister, happy to see her excited. Amir’s family had given her flying lessons as a gift a few months ago, and they had become a highlight of Sam’s life. Flying had been a passion of hers ever since Alex could remember. 

“So Amir, how does it feel to be killed midair by your fiancee?” Magnus asked once Sam finished her story.

Amir shrugged and laughed, “Well, almost killed. Sam just needs a bit of practice.” 

Sam laughed and leaned forward in her seat, “Thanks to the Fadlans I’m going to be the best pilot in the world.”

“Well make a show, Pilot Prudence of Boston,” Magnus joked, causing Sam the put her hand to her forehead. 

“Please don’t,” She whispered.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Alex interjected, “Prudence is Sam’s nickname?”

Magnus nodded and Sam groaned, which Alex took to mean yes. “That’s brilliant,” he said, “I’m gonna call you that from now on.”

“Don’t you dare-“

“Don’t I dare what, Prudence?” Alex asked.

“Don’t call me Prudence!”

Everyone started to laugh as Sam tried to defend herself from the awful nickname and Alex figured that the moment couldn’t get more perfect. He was having fun with his friends, making fun of his sister, all fun, normal things. Alex needed a bit of normal. 

Suddenly the perfect moment changed, although it wasn’t ruined. Between the laughing and jokes, Magnus had moved his leg closer to Alex’s, touching their ankles together. Lightning shot up Alex’s leg at the contact, but he didn’t recoil, and slowly, ever so slowly, Magnus intertwined his legs with Alex’s. 

When Alex looked at him Magnus was in mid-laugh, but if it was possible, his smile brightened when their eyes met.

***

Dear Magnus Chase,

It’s been about two months since you sent your letter telling me how you felt. It’s been a month since you stopped sending those letters. It’s been a week since I found out it was you, and it’s been two days since I decided to tell you how I feel. 

I really, really, like you. It’s made me kinda useless because when I should be thinking about school or getting a job, or anything important my thoughts wander over to you and your smile and your stupid hair. 

At first, I was mad that you didn’t say anything after I sent that last letter to you, and then I was mad that you didn’t say anything after the moment we mad at the library, but I’ve figured that it’s time for me to stop putting the responsibility in your hands. 

I’m going to be outside the library from 5-7 pm on Saturday. If you want anything to come of this then meet me there. If not then don’t. It’s up to you. 

In the case that I misread whatever moment you and I shared when you were supposed to be tutoring me then I’m sorry. My offer still stands though. 

Sincerely,

Alex Fierro

Chapter Text

There’s a sort of power that comes with dressing up. There’s power in putting on makeup and doing your hair, power in wearing clean clothes and perfume. And on that Saturday afternoon, surrounded by three of her closest friends in a grimy public washroom, Alex Fierro felt powerful.

She had put on a pink dress with a laced up front and a skirt that fell mid-thigh. It was tightened around her waist with a thin black belt that she’d stolen from her friend Celeste. On her legs, she wore a pair of leggings that Alex had ripped and green high-tops that had apparently become iconic. To top it all off, Alex wore a loose green blouse, undone so it covered her shoulders but showed off her dress. 

Celeste’s partner, Pat, had attacked Alex with a mascara wand and some makeup so her lips matched her dress, her eyelashes appeared thick and dark, and her eyes popped from the use of bronze eyeshadow. Alex, who didn’t normally wear makeup, thought she looked a bit weird, but her friends assured her that the effect was great. 

“Are you sure it’s ok?” Alex asked as she stole a look at herself in the mirror. 

“It’s fine,” Pat assured her, “You’ll knock his socks off.” 

Heera rummaged in her bag for a moment before pulling out a bottle of perfume. “So you don’t smell like cigarettes,” She explained, shooting a look at Celeste, who was standing by the window smoking. Celeste rolled her eyes and blew smoke in Heera’s direction. 

“I don’t understand how you can date someone with such an awful habit,” Heera told Pat, waving away the smoke. “Could you have at least gone outside?”

“And miss this?” Celeste asked, “I think not.” 

Heera muttered some insults under her breath, and sprayed some perfume on Alex. It smelt weird, like cleaner, not at all what Alex was used to. 

“How long is this going to last?” Asked Alex, scrunching up her nose. 

“Two hours,” Heera answered. 

“It smells really bad.” 

“Well, you have to live with it.” 

“Unless you want to take a shower,” Celeste interjected, “Which is probably a bad idea since we have…” She glanced at her phone, “Twenty minutes to get you to the library.”

“And it’d wash off your makeup. I spent a lot of time on that,” Pat added. 

Alex looked at herself again and took a deep breath. On one hand, she felt like she could take over the world, grow taller than anyone thought possible and smash buildings. She felt like anything she said would be heard by everyone on the planet and she felt like her words would be respected. 

Then again there was that ever-present voice in the back of her mind, reminding her of the sharpness of her jaw, the shape of her hips, how flat her chest was. She wanted to shake it off, to have one day where it wouldn’t bother her, but Alex knew it wouldn’t happen. 

It wasn’t always so loud. When Alex was male it was softer. When she was around friends who had gone through the same thing it was softer too. When she was elbow-deep in clay and thinking of nothing but her newest project it was almost a whisper. But the times it was quiet made the voice deafening when it wanted to be heard. And often, far, far, too often, it wanted Alex’s attention. 

Alex felt a hand on her back and turned to see Heera giving her a hug. At that moment Alex was sure she was going to cry and turned around, resting her head on Heera’s shoulder. 

It was hard dealing with shit like that, and it was harder to deal with shit like that alone. Alex wished she’d had her friends with her when she first put on a dress or when she started questioning what really made someone male or female. She wished that when she was going through her initial panic and confusion she’d had her friend’s shoulder to cry on. 

Heera’s hugs were always warm and strong, and she was the type of person who wouldn’t let go until you showed that you were ready. She smelled like lavender, cedar, and the remnants of Celeste’s cigarette smoke stuck to her clothes. Alex took a few deep breaths then loosened her grip. 

“Look, even if it doesn’t go well, don’t let it get to you, ok?” Heera said. “No daughter of mine is gonna let some boy take away her fight. Or some dysphoria for that matter.” 

Alex laughed shakily and smiled, “Ok, thanks, mom.” 

Celeste put out her cigarette and gave Alex a hug as well. It was reassuring, the two had been through a bit of a rough patch a while ago, and Alex was happy to know they were good again. 

When Celeste let go, Pat gave Alex a pat on the back and handed her the supplies they used to do her makeup. “Just in case it fades,” they explained. 

“Alright team,” Heera exclaimed, “Let’s get Alex to the library!” 

The four cheered, then Pat and Celeste both took one of Alex’s arms, and they headed outside. 

*** 

Alex’s friends left her alone a few blocks away from the library so she’d seem cool if Magnus had gotten there early. As she walked all the ways the date could go wrong played through her head. 

First, of course, there was the possibility that Magnus wouldn’t show up. Alex hadn’t given him anyway to say yes or no to the date, only told him to come if he wanted to. Then there were all the ways it could go wrong after that: she could say something weird, Magnus could turn out to be an axe murderer, the two could get lost. 

And there was the possibility of kissing. Alex didn’t even want to think of all the ways that could go wrong. She’d kissed people before, lots of people, but it wasn’t like she really had feelings for any of them. Those kisses had been with strangers in the back of bars, with people from the studio who she’d went out on a few dates with, and occasionally with friends just to see what would happen. None of them had involved a guy Alex had been crushing on since she was twelve. 

Soon enough, however, Alex’s first worry disappeared. Magnus was sitting on the steps outside the library. He looked altogether nervous and adorable, wearing a pair of jeans and blue flannel with a shirt that had the words “Don’t Blink” emblazoned on the chest. Alex had always assumed he’d wear something along the lines of that but damn he looked good out of uniform. 

As she got closer Alex noticed that Magnus was rapidly tapping his fingers against the steps and was biting his lip. She laughed a bit in relief- he looked as nervous as she felt. Alex took a few deep breaths, rolled her shoulders back, then walked straight into Magnus’ eye line. 

When Magnus saw Alex he got up and walked towards her. Then, not quite knowing what to do with himself, he stopped, crossed his arms, tapped his foot, stopped tapping his foot, and smiled at Alex. 

“Hey,” Magnus said once he composed himself. 

“Hey,” Alex replied. She felt a bit more relaxed after watching Magnus work through his nervous ticks. Through all the worry about clothes and getting lost Alex had forgotten that Magnus was pretty much just a huge dork. 

“How are you?” 

“I’m ok, thanks. How are you?”

“Good,” Magnus said. He suddenly flushed and looked at his feet. Alex did the same, but after a few more moments of awkward silence spoke again. 

“So what happened last Thursday?” She asked.

Magnus froze, “What do you mean?”

“You got a call from someone…?”

“Oh yeah,” Magnus said, his posture visibly becoming more relaxed, “That was Blitz, my dad. He got into an argument with my other dad, Hearth and Hearth left the building. After a while Blitz got worried, but of course, he couldn’t go find Hearth like a normal adult would, so he offloaded the task on me.” 

“Where was he?”

“At the arcade playing pinball.” 

Alex laughed and a bit of the tension in the air fell away. Magnus chuckled as well saying, “They’re both so silly sometimes. I know they really love each other, but they have trouble communicating.” 

“So that’s where you get it from.” 

“Wow, ok,” Magnus exclaimed, holding up his hands, “I guess I deserved that.” 

“Yep,” Alex said, popping the p, “Anyways, should we go?” 

“Go where?”

“You’ll see. Did you really think our first date would be at a library?”

“Yeah,” Admitted Magnus sheepishly, “And I didn’t know this was a date.” 

“Well, it is.”

“OK.”

“OK?”

“OK, good. That’s good. I thought so but like…” 

Alex smirked then offered Magnus her arm, which he took. They walked in silence for a while, both feeling slightly less awkward than they had five minutes ago. Slightly. 

“So were you born in Boston?” Magus asked as they turned a corner. Boston was actually quite beautiful, and Alex felt almost idyllic walking arm in arm with Magnus around the red-brick buildings. 

“Yeah, were you?”

Magnus nodded, “My entire family’s from here. Well, my uncle and cousin live in New York, but the… I don’t know… roots came from here I guess?” 

Alex chuckled and Magnus asked where her parents were born. Alex told him it was complicated. 

“How long until we get to this place?”

“Ten minutes?”

“Think you can explain it in that amount of time?”

Alex thought for a moment then nodded. 

“Then shoot,” Magnus told her. 

“Ok, so, my biological father is from Mexico,” Alex started, “He came here in the 90s I think? I’m actually not quite sure. Then there’s my biological mom who I don’t really know. I think she was born in Sweden or something but we’ve only talked a few times and when you see your estranged mother for the first time in years your first question isn’t usually ‘where are you from.’”

“Of course,” Magnus interjected, smiling softly. Alex took a deep breath. She’d hinted at the extent of how fucked up her family was in her letters, but it was different saying it all out loud. Alex looked back at the boy walking next to her and steeled her nerves. She was going to do this- she was going to lay herself open for a dork who left letters in her locker and played footsie with her under the table at the mall. 

It was going to be ok. 

“My step-mom was born in North Carolina and came to Boston around the same time that my dad did. They met in ’95 I think and got married a few years after that. Then my dad met my biological mom and things kinda went to shit, but like, not shit for him, which is stupid because I’m not the one who cheated.

I stopped living with them about two years ago and haven’t talked to either of my biological parents or my stepmom since then. Really, my mom is an 18-year-old punk named Heera Kaur.” 

Magnus squeezed Alex’s arm and smiled. “So how does Sam fit into all this?” He asked.

“Well, my crappy biological mother is also her crappy biological father. Her mom found out about me when we were both really little and wanted us to form a relationship or something. She actually got along with my mom so it’s not too surprising that she wanted us to meet. We played together a lot until we were three, then Sam’s mom died and she had to live with her grandparents. We didn’t see each other much after that but every so often we’d hang out and complain about our parents. Also, Sam would pretend to be Neil Gaiman apparently. What an asshole.” 

A laugh escaped Magnus’ mouth, and even though it was a serious conversation, Alex started laughing too. 

“Things with Sam have been a bit awkward since her mom died,” Alex admitted once the two stopped laughing. There was an immediate change in the atmosphere and Alex regretted bringing it up, but figured it was too late at that point. “But I guess they’ve gotten better. I mean, she drags me to all her dates with Amir so…” 

The two walked in silence for a few blocks until Magnus turned to Alex to see if he could ask a question. Alex agreed. 

“You’re wearing a dress,” Magnus said. Alex immediately felt her stomach drop. This was it, this is what she had been dreading. Alex wasn’t allowed to have one nice thing, was she? 

Magnus must have felt Alex tense up because he immediately apologized. “Sorry, sorry,” He said, “If you don’t want to talk about it you don’t have to. You just look… you look, really…” 

Alex pulled her arm away from Magnus and scowled. “Really what?”

“Beautiful, Alex-“ Magnus said, slightly exasperated. He reached towards Alex but she shifted away from him. “Can’t you see I’m hardly functioning right now? I never thought I’d see you like this and I just… It’s really not doing good things to my heart.” 

Alex relaxed a bit but still felt a bit on edge. Even if Magnus was telling the truth- which Alex couldn’t be sure of- it had brought up bad memories and made the voice in her head speak a little bit louder. The two walked a bit longer in tense silence. 

Finally, after she could barely stand it any longer, Alex said, “Ok, first of all, I know I look fabulous. And secondly, I know you can’t help it, but it’d be nice if you were a bit more direct with your compliments. Dysphoria’s a bitch sometimes.” 

Magnus looked down, ashamed. “Right, of course,” he said, “I should have said something along the lines of ‘you look hella fly in that dress right now, Alex.’”

Alex allowed herself a smile and nodded. “Exactly.”

“Well, Alex,” Magnus said, his voice so sincere it was almost funny, “You look hella fly in that dress right now.” 

“Thanks, Magnus,” Alex replied. She smiled softly at him and took his arm once again. 

“If we go on another date I’m going to get you a spray bottle so you can squirt cold water at me whenever I do something to make you feel bad about yourself,” Magnus told Alex, squeezing her arm a bit. 

Alex threw back her head and laughed, which made Magnus smile. They walked a bit more until Alex stopped them in front of an old building. Its doors were blocked off by pieces of wood with graffiti on them and it looked like it was about to fall apart, but Alex knew it was safe. This building also had the best view of the city within a ten-mile radius of their school. 

“This is it,” Alex said.

Magnus looked the building up and down, sceptical. Catching on to his discomfort, Alex whispered, “Trust me,” and gently guided him to the door. It opened after a few good kicks and soon enough the two were inside. 

The inside of the building was a vast, empty space. Dusty light streamed through the windows, illuminating a few bottles on the floor and the tags on the wall. Alex had spent a few nights in here before and had always liked to imagine what it was like when people were using it. She imagined dances and tea parties, although Alex had no idea what the building was actually used for before it was abandoned. 

“If you murder me in here please tell Sam that I’m sorry for not helping with the history project,” Magnus whispered as the two moved towards the back of the building. There was a staircase back there that lead to the roof, and a very spectacular view of Boston. 

“If you murder me please tell Sam that I’m sorry she has to spend the rest of her unwed life going on dates with her grandpa,” Alex whispered back, which made Magnus chuckle. 

“We’ve both put that girl through so much hell, I swear to god,” Magnus said, his voice still lowered. Alex started to climb the stairs and he followed. 

“I mean, it’s kinda my job,” Alex told him, “She is my sister.”

“Hopefully she’ll be my sister-in-law.” 

“Smooth.” 

Magnus turned bright red, “I did well? Did you like that? I’ve never flirted with anyone in my life.” 

“It was great,” Alex assured him. The two reached the top of the stairwell and Alex opened the door. They walked outside, greeted by a spectacular view of the skyline and the lake. Magnus froze once he saw it and Alex grinned. She was hoping it’d have that effect. 

“Awesome, huh?” Alex asked.

Magnus turned to her, his eyes wide and his hair blowing in the wind, and Alex was struck by how nice he looked. Yes, she’d always found Magnus attractive, but standing next to her, silhouetted by the Boston skyline, he looked like a fucking god. His hair was stained gold by the sun and it moved around his face in a way that made it seem almost weightless. His eyes were made of storm clouds, haunted and beautiful at the same time, and Alex found she couldn’t look away. 

The world slowed as Magnus spun towards Alex, taking her in his arms and resting his head on her shoulder. He was warm and smelt the same as he had the day they took the bus together- like lavender and patchouli. Alex felt her heart stop for a few seconds and she absorbed it all: Magnus, Magnus, Magnus. 

“Hey Alex,” he whispered into her ear, “I really, really like you.”

And Alex thought that maybe once, just once, the universe was allowing her to have one nice thing. 

***

The rest of the date went well. Alex and Magnus had spent most of it sitting on the roof talking. It was easy talking, really easy. 

They didn’t kiss or really touch each other after that hug, which Alex wasn’t sure whether to be disappointed or grateful for. Still, most of the tension at the beginning of the date had dissipated and by the time it was time to go the two were talking like they’d known each other for years. Not to mention the fact that as they parted ways, Magnus took Alex’s hand and asked if she’d like to see a movie next Friday. Or the fact that Alex didn’t have to think twice before saying yes. 

***

Mixed CD

***

“I got you something,” Magnus said, holding out a brown paper bag. The two were standing outside the library on Friday evening. 

Alex took the bag and looked inside. In it was a CD and a spray bottle labelled “Douche Bag Repellent.” Alex took out the bottle and looked at Magnus quizzically. 

“Remember our last date when I said that if I ever said anything stupid again I’d let you squirt me with cold water?” Magnus asked. 

Alex’s face broke out into a grin. Somehow Magnus had managed to be sweet and silly at the same time. He was amazing. 

“The CD is kinda all over the place, I’m sorry. I started out with putting a few songs that I just really like on there and then I remembered that some of them might be kinda misleading so I also put on a bunch of sappy love songs. There’s like, the Beatles, and Alice In Chains, and a whole bunch of other-“ 

“-I love it, thanks, Magnus,” Alex interjected, grinning widely. He’d spent less than ten minutes with Magnus and already Alex’s insides felt like putty. 

Magnus flushed and smiled. “I’m glad,” he said. The two looked at each other and Alex could feel himself melt under Magnus’ gaze. 

“So what movie are we seeing?” Alex asked after the silence had stopped being comfortable. 

“They’re showing Casablanca at this place close to the lake. I know it isn’t the most recent and I have no idea what type of movies you like but-“

“-Casablanca is fine.” 

Magnus grinned, “We’re going to have to take the bus, is that ok?”

“I haven’t been in a car since I was fourteen.” 

“Perfect, you’re unexposed to proper dating etiquette,” Magnus said, sticking out his arm. Alex took it and the two started walking to the bus stop. 

“Once I dated this chick who brought me places on a motorcycle,” Alex commented as the two walked. Magnus immediately let go of his arm. 

“Seriously?” He exclaimed, “How am I supposed to compete with that?” 

“She had bad breath and a worse taste in music. Also, she didn’t follow traffic rules.”  

“Well, I’ll let you know that my breath smells like flowers so…” 

Alex smirked, “Does it really?” 

“Only one way to find out,” Magnus said. Although he seemed cool, Alex could see a blush spreading below his checks. 

The two stopped walking, halted in the middle of the sidewalk, and Alex was really happy there wasn’t anyone around because he was 99% sure he was about to tackle Magnus Chase and there’s no way that could be good for foot traffic. Magnus was just a bit taller than he was, so Alex wrapped his arm around his neck and tiled Magnus’ head forward a bit. Their foreheads were touching, Magnus’ eyes were closed, and he was slowly turning a brilliant shade of red. The world seemed to slow around them, the wind blowing at half the speed, the sounds of cars dropping to a low hum. 

But then Alex looked at Magnus again and realized that there wasn’t any way he was going to kiss him. Not there, at least. Alex wasn’t going to betray his twelve-year-old self by sharing his first kiss with Magnus Chase in the middle of a sidewalk in Boston. 

Magnus’ lips were parted slightly and Alex took a few deep breaths before saying, “Eh, I wouldn’t say flowers… hummus maybe… chickpeas… cabbage. Were you eating shawarma?” 

“Yeah,” Magnus whispered. The two stayed as they were for a moment before Magnus pulled away. He offered Alex his arm once again and the two walked the rest of the way to the bus stop.

They had just missed rush hour and the bus was fairly empty. After paying their fair, Magnus and Alex squeezed into a double seat near the back. After settling in, Alex wrapped his arm around Magnus’ shoulders and let it rest there. It took a few seconds, but eventually, Magnus relaxed against him. 

“You know, I’d let Ingrid Bergman murder me,” Alex stated casually. 

Magnus nodded, “One hundred percent.” 

Alex grinned and touched Magnus’ nose with his finger. “I’d let you murder me too,” he said. 

“And they say romance is dead.” 

“Fools, the lot of them.” 

Magnus chuckled a bit then looked at the advertisement displayed across from them. “Did you know that giving blood can save a life?”

“I’ve always wanted to save a life. Now I know how. Thanks, Magnus.” 

“Just doing my duty as a citizen,” Magnus said, smiling. Looking at him made Alex feel like his stomach was dissolving. 

“This is our stop,” Magnus said after a while and the two got off. As soon as they hit the sidewalk, Magnus looked around, then grabbed Alex’s hand. Alex only had half a second to process it before he was being dragged across the street to another bus stop. The bus was just about to leave when the driver saw Alex and Magnus running towards it and opened the doors.

Once they entered, the two gave the driver a few breathless thanks and went to the back. Magnus was still holding Alex’s hand, and it didn’t do anything to help the feeling that was already in his chest. There was something about holding hands, even though Alex’s arm was draped around Magnus just a few minutes ago, this was more intimate. Alex felt like he was connected to all of Magnus just by lacing their fingers together. 

Alex was so distracted that he barely noticed the bus ride. Before he knew it, Magnus was pressing the stop request button and leading Alex back onto the street. 

The movie theatre was small and smelled like butter. It had an old red carpet, brick walls, and posters plastered almost everywhere. Nobody else was around, in fact, the usher seemed surprised when Magnus bought tickets. 

“I’m really glad you came with me,” Magnus told Alex once he was done at the ticket booth, “This is one of my favourite movies, and you’re kinda one of my favourite people.” 

Alex felt himself turn bright red and looked down, trying to hide his embarrassment. He had no idea how Magnus could be so effortlessly sweet while at the same time being one of the biggest dorks he knew. 

“You’re, uh, I…” Alex stuttered, “I really like you, Magnus.”

Now it was Magnus’ turn to blush. “I really like you too,” he said.

“I know,” Alex told him, then, realizing that sounded weird he said, “Well, I mean, you’ve told me before. And you’re kinda obvious. Not that that’s a bad thing.”

“I’m glad we worked through that whole thing with the letters.”

“It was you, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you… Why didn’t you say anything when I confessed?” 

Magnus paused for a moment then said, “I was going to, really. I actually had this whole thing planned out where I’d ask you out the next day but I… I don’t know. I guess I chickened out. You’re kinda unnervingly good looking.” 

“You can’t work through this with flattery, Maggie,” Alex said, smirking. 

“God damn it, there goes my plan. But I am sorry. Communication isn’t my strong suit.”

“It’s not mine either,” Alex admitted, “I should have said something ear-.”

“-No, Alex, don’t put this on yours-“

“-I think the movie’s starting soon,” Alex interjected, pointing at the clock on the wall. Magnus sighed, then took Alex’s hand.

“Are we good?” He asked. 

Alex nodded, “We’re good.” 

With that Magnus squeezed Alex’s hand and exclaimed, “Let’s go get murdered by Ingrid fucking Bergman!”

***

The movie was good. Of course, the movie was good. Being with Magnus was better. The two sat together in the middle of the theatre, Alex’s arm around Magnus like it had been on the bus. They balanced popcorn between their legs and threw it at each other during the commercials. Once the movie started playing almost everything was dead silent and Alex could feel Magnus’ breathing.  

Alex had never believed in an afterlife. He’d been raised by two Christians with a Muslim half-sister and, later on, a Sikh chosen-parent. Between it all Alex had formed his own ideas about God and life and morality, and although he had never conformed- would never conform- to traditional ideas about the afterlife he knew that that moment, sitting in a dark theatre with Magnus beside him, was the closest thing to heaven he could imagine.    

When the movie was over the two emerged from the theatre and, drunk on the night air, Alex offered to walk Magnus home. It was still warm, the heat that the sidewalk had absorbed still hadn’t been fully released into the atmosphere, and Alex found himself taking off his sweater and wrapping it around his waist. Once he did so, Magnus wrapped his arm around the same place, and although it was slightly awkward walking like that there wasn’t anyway Alex was going to complain. 

They walked more or less in silence, listening to the traffic and the sound of their footsteps. Every so often someone would make a remark about the movie or their surroundings which would spark conversation for a few minutes. But, although they didn’t talk much, it was comfortable. Alex didn’t feel like he had to put on a performance when he was around Magnus. 

Soon enough they came to Magnus’ house, an apartment about a half hour walk from the theatre. The two stopped in front of the building and looked at each other, both smiling. 

“Thanks for taking me out tonight,” Alex said. 

“Thanks for coming,” Magnus replied. 

“Do your dads care that you’re coming home at ten PM?”

Magnus shook his head, “They met me when I was living on the streets, they know I can handle myself.” 

Alex paused. He hadn’t known that about Magnus. In fact, he’d been a bit worried about revealing his own situation to Magnus. He’d been in one too many situations where people freaked out because of it. 

“Hah, sorry,” Magnus said, “Didn’t mean to dump my tragic backstory on you like that. It’s cool though, it wasn’t so bad.” 

“No, I’m not worried or anything like that,” Alex reassured, “I’m just a bit surprised because, well, um, me too. Same situation.” 

Magnus smiled softly, “Right now? How are you still in school?”

“I put my friend’s address on the form and said she’s my guardian. She’s 18.” 

“Well, it’s amazing that you’re keeping up with all your classes.” 

“It’s not really it-“

“-No, it is. You, Alex Fierro, are amazing,” Magnus said, “And you look hella fly in your shirt right now.” 

Alex started to laugh, partly because of Magnus’ joke and partly because it was nice to have that off his chest. Magnus started laughing too, and then he stopped suddenly, his face turning serious. 

“Is it ok if I kiss you?” Magnus asked. He said it all too quickly and looked down at his thumbs immediately after. 

Alex almost choked on his response. Of course, it was fine, of course- he’d been wanting to kiss Magnus for the better part of three years. He just hadn’t been expecting it to go down like that. 

“Y-Yes,” Alex managed after a while. 

He stepped towards Magnus, and Magnus stepped towards him, then Magnus’ hands cupped his cheeks. Alex tilted his head back a bit and Magnus pressed their lips together. His lips were impossibly soft and Alex could taste the popcorn they had eaten earlier on them. Alex let himself melt into the kiss, allowing everything else to practically disappear. There was only Magnus. Magnus and Alex. Alex and Magnus. 

Before he knew it, Magnus was pulling away and opening the door with his keys. Alex had a split second to say goodbye before Magnus was inside. 

Once he was sure that Magnus was gone Alex spun on his heel, pumped his fist, and gave a little cheer.

***

At around 2:30 every day at school, Alex’s uniform would start itching and she’d become restless. Her last class of the day was math, taught by a teacher who’d started teaching at the school a year after it was built in the 60s and apparently hadn’t updated his teaching style since then. 

Normally, as soon as the bell rang she’d race outside, or towards Sam if Alex was male. She’d either get to the mall as soon as possible, or get to wherever she was staying, change out of her uniform, and promptly attempt to block the school day out of her mind. However, today Magnus was looking especially amazing and after the kiss they’d shared the other day Alex couldn’t get the thought of kissing him again out of her mind. 

Stupid Magnus and his stupid lips. Alex was already failing math. There was no way she’d be able to focus on the quadratic formula when Magnus was somewhere out there and Alex wasn’t with him. 

Time passed all too slowly, but after fiddling with her pencil and tuning out the math teacher for half an hour, Alex finally heard the bell ring. She let out a sigh of relief, packed up her things, and in a few seconds she was out the door. 

Magnus’ last class was science in room 322, on the third floor. Alex’s math room was on the first. She practically sprinted up the stairs, desperate to see him. Alex wasn’t sure what had come over her, but her mind had switched from thinking about what it should be thinking of (math, homework, sleeping, etc) to thinking of nothing except for making out with Magnus. 

Somehow Alex’s arrival outside Magnus’ classroom coincided perfectly with Magnus leaving said classroom and she ending up colliding head-on with him. The contact sent lighting across her skin and Alex had to remind herself to breathe. 

“Hey, Alex, what’s up?” Magnus asked. He was beaming and Alex had never really appreciated it before but Magnus had such a nice smile. Seeing it wasn’t doing anything to help. 

Alex looked around, trying to figure out whether or not to shout “I want to make out with you,” in the middle of the hallway. She decided against it, Martin B was just down the hall and he was a grade-A asshole. 

“I can’t tell you here,” Alex sighed, happy that her conscious wasn’t so distracted by Magnus that she had kissed him then and there. 

“Ok?” Magnus asked. He sounded confused but he was still smiling. 

Alex scanned the area once more then took Magnus’ hand and dragged him down the hall, then down the stairs, all the way to the basement. Nobody spent time in the basement except for the art kids and Alex was sure that they’d seen all manner of couples down there. 

One she was sure nobody was watching, Alex spun on her heel and faced Magnus. “Ok Maggie, here’s the deal: I’ve wanted to kiss you for like an hour, so if you want to do the same please tell me because I’d be one hundred percent ok with making out with you.”

“Right now?”

“Yeah.”

Magnus looked around, still slightly confused. “Sure,” he said eventually. 

The two looked at each other for a minute and then everything seemed to happen at once. Alex pushed Magnus against the wall and suddenly his hands were on her face and she pressed her mouth against his and he opened his mouth and her hands were in his hair and they were kissing, really kissing, not just the shy brush of lips that had happened on their date.  

After a few seconds, it dawned on Alex that she was making out with Magnus Chase, a guy she hadn’t thought she’d have half a chance with until about a month ago. It was everything she’d been dreaming of since she first saw him in grade seven. 

They were a bit too enthusiastic at first. Their teeth collided awkwardly a few times and every so often their noses would touch, but after a while, they got into a steady rhythm. Magnus tasted like those hard candies they handed out at Thai restaurants and Alex was fairly certain she’d died and gone to heaven. 

Magnus’ hands moved from Alex’s face into her hair as Alex pressed closer. She bit lightly on his bottom lip and Magnus tightened his grip and Alex moved her hands to his waist and they stayed kissing like that until Alex had forgotten that anything else existed. 

After kissing for god knows how long Magnus pulled away, keeping his hands where they were. He let out a happy sigh and rested his forehead against Alex’s. The two took some time to catch their breath, the rise and fall of their chests eventually syncing. Alex closed her eyes, letting the feeling of Magnus’ proximity surround her. 

When the two kissed again it was less desperate. Magnus pressed his lips softly upon Alex’s, so much so that Alex, drunk on the moment, barely noticed. They took it slower this time. Alex opened her mouth after several moments and Magnus mirrored her. Their lips locked, Magnus ran his fingers through Alex’s hair, and Alex pressed her chest against Magnus’. 

Once they had been kissing for a while Alex ran her fingers under Magnus’ uniform, ever so slowly. While she wanted nothing more than to touch him, Alex knew that the school basement wasn’t the most romantic place and if they did more than simply kiss they’d probably get arrested for indecency, so she resigned her self to one hand under his shirt, resting against the small of his back.

All too soon, Magnus pulled away, resting his forehead against Alex’s again. 

“I should probably go home,” Magnus sighed. As he spoke he took a strand of Alex’s hair between his fingers and started playing with it. 

“I disagree, you should probably stay here,” Alex said, pressing herself closer and tracing patterns on Magnus’ back. 

“You make a very convincing argument,” Said Magnus, and before Alex could reply his lips were on hers again. They kissed for a few moments, Alex’s heart speeding up after each. 

Sooner than Alex would have liked, Magnus pulled away again. “Like I said,” he murmured, “I don’t think Hearth is going to be very happy if he finds out I missed out on family time because I was making out with a hot- are you a guy or a girl right now?”

“Girl.”

“I don’t think Hearth’s going to be very happy if he finds out I missed out on family time because I was making out with a hot girl. No matter how hot that girl happens to be.”  

Alex sighed and disentangled herself from Magnus’ embrace. “Fine,” she said, “Go make your dad happy.” 

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” Magnus asked. 

“Yeah.” 

Magnus turned around, took a few steps towards the door, then turned around again and took Alex’s face in his hands. He pressed his lips softly against hers once more and Alex felt like she was disintegrating. 

Alex pulled away, smirked at Magnus and said, “God, you’re such a loser! Go home to your wife and kids.” 

“Ok, ok, fine,” Magnus chuckled. They looked at each other once more, then Magnus turned and went through the door. Alex watched him for a few minutes, fighting the urge to run after him. She couldn’t hold off for too long, however, and before she knew it she was sprinting in his direction.

They met again on the stairs to the ground floor and, within seconds, fell upon each other. Magnus pressed Alex against the railing while Alex snuck her arms around Magnus’ neck. Alex cursed their height difference, no matter how small it was, because Magnus’ lips collided with her nose before coming to her lips. Despite the small set back, they quickly locked lips and Alex lost herself once again.  

“We’re really bad at this,” Magnus remarked once they pulled away. 

Alex nodded in agreement, “You have to go home.” 

“Yeah…” Magnus murmured and Alex, despite her best judgement, kissed him again. 

They continued like that for a while. They’d kiss, pull away, someone would say something about getting home, and then they’d kiss again. It was only when Magnus heard the wheels of the Janitor’s cart that he stepped back from Alex. The two looked at each other, panicked, then ran the rest of the way outside. 

Once they were safe with nobody to bug them in sight, Alex had the urge to kiss Magnus again. However, as soon as they were out of the Janitor’s earshot, Magnus started laughing, and Alex didn’t want to deprive herself of that sight. 

She had the feeling she’d have plenty of other opportunities to kiss Magnus Chase.  

***

“Alex?” Magnus asked, looking up from his notes. The two were at the library studying for an upcoming English exam.

“Yeah?” Alex asked, looking up from his notes as well. 

The two made eye contact for a second, then Magnus looked away, blushing. Alex smirked and tapped Magnus’ hand with his pencil. 

“What is it?” 

“I was wondering if you wanna be, like, you know, official?” As he spoke Magnus slowly covered his face with his hands so that by the time he’d finished talking Alex could barely see him. 

Alex tried to hide his smile, “Yeah, ok.”

“Really?” Magnus asked, taking his hands away from his face. He was bright red.

“I mean, why not?” Alex said, shrugging, “You’re cute, easy to talk to, and you’re only a complete idiot about half the time. Plus, you’re a good kisser.” 

If it was possible, Magnus’ blush deepened. “I am?”

“Hell yeah.” 

Magnus beamed and looked back down at his paper. Alex knew he should’ve done the same, but his boyfriend- he could really say that now- was being cute and it was hard to concentrate. He wished that seventh grade Alex could see what was happening, although it was possible that the kid would spontaneously combust. 

To be completely honest, Alex still felt a bit like he had so many years ago. Even though he was acting, or trying to act, cool and collected, he felt like he was dying inside. 

Magnus Chase was his boyfriend. They were Together with a capital T. An item. Datemates. 

It was going to take some getting used to, but Alex was happy.

***

“It’ll be fine,” Magnus assured Alex as he ushered her down the hall. He’d cornered her at lunchtime and demanded that she eat with him and his friends. 

Alex had seen Magnus’ friends. They were scary. 

“They’re all lovely people,” Magnus told her, then paused as if reconsidering, “Actually, I take that back. They’re kinda the worst. You’ll get along great.” 

Alex laughed at that and the two walked into the science hallway. Sitting at the end of the hall were three people who Alex assumed were Magnus’ friends. She couldn’t see them that well from where she was, but Alex was able to make out a red splotch, something that looked vaguely like a bear, and a line that was probably a human but Alex didn’t want to assume. She really needed glasses. 

As they got closer Alex could make out the shapes better and was relieved to find that her boyfriend hadn’t befriended wild animals and abstract shapes. Magnus’ friends were human-looking up close. 

Magnus took a seat on the floor next to the person Alex had seen as a line. Alex took the seat beside him. 

“Hi everyone, this is Alex,” Magnus said to the group. 

“You’re Alex!” Someone exclaimed. This was the person Alex had mistaken for a bear. To be completely honest, he didn’t look much different close-up. 

“That’s Halfborn,” Magnus explained, “The redhead is Mallory and the other one is Thomas Jefferson Junior.” 

The line person offered Alex his hand, which she took. “You can call me TJ,” he said. 

“So you’re the one Magnus has been blabbing about non-stop,” Mallory remarked. She had a very thick Irish accent. 

Halfborn laughed, “I thought you were a girl.” 

Mallory jabbed him in the stomach with her elbow, but it did nothing to stop the shooting pain that passed through Alex’s chest. It felt like she was being stabbed with an icicle.

Magnus shot her a look that simultaneously apologized and asked what she wanted to do next. Alex didn’t meet his eyes. 

“I have to apologize on behalf of my boyfriend,” Mallory said, “He’s about as dense as he comes off to be. I don’t know why we put up with him.” 

TJ nodded enthusiastically and reached across Magnus’ lap, taking Alex’s hand. “We’re all super happy to meet you,” he told her, “If you’re half as great as Magnus makes you out to be then any of us would be lucky to be your friend.”

Magnus blushed and looked at the floor, which made Alex smile. It still felt bad, but it was nice to have a net to fall onto. 

“Now it’s time for us to tell you embarrassing Magnus stories!” Mallory exclaimed. Alex watched Magnus turn pale, then whipped her head towards his friend. 

“Hit me up,” She blurted. 

***

Being Magnus Chase’s Significant Other involved long bus rides to obscure parts of town that Magus loved to go. It involved double dates with Sam and Amir over falafel at the mall. It involved preparing for exams in public libraries and later kissing among the shelves. It involved a good deal of cold water squirted from the bottle Alex had been given. It involved mixed CDs and book recommendations, long talks where they would each lay the contents of their being in front of the other, gentle bickering and awkward flirting. It involved ranting to Heera, Pat, and Celeste about Magnus’ eyes, and it involved slowly growing to trust Mallory, Halfborn, and TJ. And above all, it involved slowly realizing that you’re in love with the guy you’re dating. 

Alex couldn’t pinpoint the instant she’d fallen in love. It just dawned on her one day while staring at the back of his head in English class that she loved him. And after some thought, she realized it had been that way for a while. 

Was it when he introduced Alex to his friends? Or was it when she walked him home on a warm summer’s night? When she saw that perfect image of him on the roof with the city skyline to his back? Was it the time he laced their legs together at the mall? The time he gazed at her in the library and Alex was could see his soul in his irises? Could she have fallen in love with the person who sent the letters, even when she didn’t know if it was him? Or was it before then, on the first day of seventh grade when she saw him reading on the bench by the soccer field?

The thing is- it didn’t matter when Alex fell in love with Magnus Chase. Moments are sand grains in the desert of life and removing one grain does nothing to reduce its vastness. 

She wanted to tell him. Had to tell him. She’d told him so much, lain herself wide open for Magnus Chase, but she knew this was possibly the most important information of all. 

Alex decided to send him a letter. It seemed apt.

***

Dear Magnus Chase,

Let me tell you a bit about myself. You already know so much, but I can imagine it gets confusing to pick out what’s really important and what just seems important because you care and want me to be happy.  

These are the important things: My name is Alex Fierro. I am sixteen, in grade ten, same as you. I have green hair and mismatched eyes. My best friends are named Heera Kaur, Pat Blake, and Celeste Silverberg but I’m starting to become close with Mallory Keen, Halfborn Gunderson, and Thomas Jefferson Jr. I have a half-sister named Samirah Al-Abbas. My favourite authors are Octavia Butler, Ursula K. LeGuin, and Sylvia Plath. I love to sculpt. I’m in love with you. 

I’m not sure how long I’ve been in love with you. I just know that at some point my world started spinning and you were it’s axis. It took me a while to notice. 

This letter isn’t a big thing- shouldn’t be a big thing, since I’m certain I’ve been in love for quite some time. Just take the information in it like you’ve taken in everything else about me and don’t ever forget that I, Alex Fierro, am in love with you, Magnus Chase. 

Sincerely,

AF

***

Alex,

These are the important things about me: 

My name is Magnus Chase. I am 16 years old, in grade 10. My mom was named Natalie Chase, she died when I was fourteen. Now my parents are Hearth and Blitz, who drive me a bit crazy although I love them with all my heart. I look like Kurt Cobain. I really like Kurt Cobain. I read too much and I listen to a lot of music, but I can’t write or play any instruments. I love all my friends and I’d protect them with my life, although I’d never admit it. I love you. 

Do you remember that time you took me to the top of the roof? When you were up there the sun shone on your eyes and made them look like they were made of gold and your hair was blowing around your face, making every curl stand out. I’ve ingrained that image into my brain. I think about it at least once a day. That’s when I fell in love with you. That exact moment. 

I’m going to lay it out in stark terms, like you did for me:

I, Magnus Chase, am in love with you, Alex Fierro.