Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It’s 8:30 on a Sunday night when everything falls apart.

It starts off completely ordinarily.

Alec brings home takeout from their favorite Chinese place on his way home from Izzy’s and Magnus pops open a bottle of wine.

They plop onto the couch and Alec cuddles into his side and they watch crap television like they do every Sunday night. Magnus is grinning and running his hands through Alec’s soft hair and Alec is drawing lazy circles on Magnus’ thigh next to where Chairman Meow is curled up and everything is perfect.

That is, until Alec looks up at Magnus through his thick eyelashes and says four words that make Magnus’ heart drop.

“I found an apartment.”

Magnus tries in vain to keep the disappointment off of his face and pulls away from Alec slightly so they can both face each other properly.

“What?” He asks because he can’t trust himself to ask anything else.

When Alec had lost his job almost a year ago and couldn’t pay his landlord rent Magnus had told him he could stay in his spare bedroom until he got back on his feet. They had been friends back then, but not best friends. Not like they were now. Magnus ended up loving living with Alec and they’d perfected a perfect routine in the almost year that Alec had been living with him. Alec had found a job and started paying half the rent 2 months into the arrangement. Magnus had thought he’d stopped looking for his own place. Hell everyone had started calling Magnus’ loft Alec and Magnus’ loft. Magnus had thought it was permanent.

Apparently he was wrong.

“It’s been almost a year Magnus, I don’t- I just don’t want to burden you forever. You were so nice to let me stay and I-“

Magnus cuts him off because he’s starting to ramble and Magnus knows he only does that when he’s nervous. Magnus doesn’t want Alec to ever be nervous around him.

So he sits up and plasters a wide smile on his face to assure Alec.

“You weren’t burdening me, Alexander.”

When Alec only looks back at him with wide eyes Magnus keeps going.

“It’s fantastic you found a place,” He continues with an enthusiasm that he absolutely doesn’t feel.

At that, Alec brightens a bit and Magnus swallows against the disappointment in his gut. Alec obviously won’t miss him as much as he’ll miss Alec.

He listens with his heart in his throat as Alec talks about signing the lease in the coming week and if Magnus wants to come see the place before he decides and he tries very hard to act like he’s excited but it’s hard when he feels everything crumbling around him.

When Alec leaves for bed with a kiss to the side of Magnus’ head he still has a lump in his throat.

***

“Alec’s moving out.”

Magnus is lying haphazardly on Ragnor’s sofa because that’s what he always does when he needs to recount his woes.

Ragnor doesn’t pity him. He usually tells Magnus he needs to get his shit together and that’s what Magnus needs right now.

He feels stupid for not wanting Alec to go and he needs someone to tell him to stop being pathetic and go accompany Alec to look at the apartment like he said he would.

To his surprise Ragnor doesn’t do that.

“What?” Ragnor sets his book down and turns to Magnus with his eyes narrowed, “What happened?”

“Why are you assuming something happened?” Magnus asks as he straightens up on the couch.

“Because you two love living together. Only a fight could lead to something like this.”

Magnus feels himself heaving out a dramatic sigh before he even thinks about it.

“ Obviously Alec doesn’t love it,” he mutters under his breath and flops back onto the couch. He’s pathetic.

Ragnor raises his eyebrows in that annoying knowing way that he always does and Magnus braces himself for the insult that he knows is coming his way.

“Magnus, you’re pining.”

Magnus glares at Ragnor. He is not pining. He doesn’t like Alec like that. He’s just going to miss living with his best friend. It has nothing to do with feelings.

“ Am not,” Magnus grits out defensively, and cringes as he says the words. They don’t sound convincing at all.

Ragnor gets up with a roll of his eyes and starts to make his way to the kitchen.

He sends a pitying look over his shoulder at Magnus that causes Magnus to glare harder at his retreating back.

“Whatever you say, Magnus.”

***

After leaving Ragnor’s, Magnus meets Alec in front of their building so that they can go look at Alec’s new apartment together.

Alec is waiting for him, hands in his pockets and hair tousled by the wind. Magnus almost goes to run a hand through his hair to fix it but he stops halfway there for some reason.

Alec watches him with questioning eyes but he doesn't say anything. Instead, he holds out his arm for Magnus to take with a soft smile. His eyes are kind and beautiful and so fucking familiar. Magnus’ heart flips over painfully in his chest as he takes Alec’s arm and sends him a forced smile in return.

They fall into a familiar silence as they walk down the street to Alec’s new apartment complex. Magnus can’t help the bitter tinge the words have in his head. New apartment. Without Magnus. It’s just not fair .

Magnus notices the way Alec’s eyes keep flicking to him worriedly every few seconds and tries to relax. He curses the fact that Alec has the ability to read him like an open book.

When they’re standing in front of the building, Magnus lets go of Alec’s arm. Alec turns to him and Magnus has to hold his breath at the amount of concern he sees swimming in Alec’s eyes.

“Are you okay?” Alec asks, soft and sweet and so irrevocably Alec that Magnus can’t form any words past the lump in his throat.

“Yeah,” he gets out eventually, barely a whisper, “Yeah, fine.”

Alec doesn’t look like he believes him, so Magnus pastes on a smile and pushes the door to the building open before Alec can question him.

When they get into the apartment Alec excitedly shows Magnus the window seat in the bedroom and the space in the living room for bookshelves.

His eyes are sparkling as he talks excitedly about inviting everyone over for a movie night once he’s settled in, and Magnus tries his hardest to be happy for him. He really does, Magnus always wants Alec to be happy and this apartment obviously makes him happy. But the pit of sadness in his stomach can’t seem to go away.

***

A few days later Magnus gets home to find boxes piled out in the hall.

He walks down to hall towards Alec’s room and before he can peek inside, Izzy sticks her head around the frame.

“Magnus,” she smiles, dark eyes warm and comforting.

“Hey Isabelle,” Magnus says past the lump in his throat.

He lets his eyes roam over the boxes laid out in the hall and then to the bare walls in Alec’s room.

So this is really happening then.

Alec hasn’t noticed him yet, too caught up in trying to pile his books neatly into a box, but Izzy seems to notice where his eyes are wandering.

When Magnus looks back at her, he thinks he might see something in her eyes.

Sadness? Regret?

She walks out into the hall, stepping nimbly around boxes and places her hand on Magnus’ arm comfortingly.

Magnus sighs into her touch. Izzy has always been a calming presence and she’s his second favorite Lightwood after Alec, so he sends her as much of a smile as he can muster in thanks.

Izzy smiles back and then leans their sides together as they turn to watch Alec mutter to himself as he packs.

Magnus watches with fond eyes at the way Alec’s long fingers run through his hair every few seconds and how he keeps putting things into a box only to take them out again and stare at them as if they’ve offended him in some way. It’s familiar and it makes something ache in Magnus chest.

After a moment, Izzy speaks again.

“For the record, I don’t agree with this,” she says softly.

Magnus turns away from Alec in confusion.

“What?”

“I don’t agree with Alec’s idea to move out. He’s convinced himself it’s a good idea, but it’s not. He’s just trying to-“ she cuts herself off and sighs.

“Trying to do what?” Magnus asks, staring down at Izzy and trying to make sense of the information she’s just given him.

Izzy pauses, looking back at Alec as if she’s contemplating whether she should say what she wants to say.

When she looks back at Magnus her eyes are sad and she bites her lip slightly.

“I just- what I’m trying to say is you’re good for him. Living here, with you, was good for him.”

The sentiment makes Magnus’ chest full with warmth and he feels happy in a way that he hasn’t really felt since Alec had announced he was moving out. Because at least someone else shares his opinion that Alec shouldn’t leave. It makes him feel like less of a terrible person.

Alec notices them then and grins wide, gesturing for them to come help him. Izzy smiles and walks into the room with Magnus in tow, but something about the way that Izzy’s smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes tells Magnus that what she’d told him wasn’t the whole story.

Packing with Alec is emotionally exhausting. Everything that Magnus sets into a box somehow has a memory associated with it and it’s like being stabbed in the chest over and over again.

The books he places into boxes reminding Magnus of nights curled on the couch, pretending to watch TV but actually sneaking glances at Alec so that he can watch the way his emotions flick across his face as he reads.

The Polaroid photo of the two of them that he takes off the wall from when they’d gone on a day trip to the beach. Both shirtless, Magnus with his head on Alec’s stomach and wearing Alec’s sunglasses that he’d stolen only moments before Cat had taken the photo.

Alec’s stupid green sweater that is too soft for its own good that Magnus likes to steal on lazy Sunday mornings.

As Magnus places the sweater into a box he’s hit with the fact that he’s not going to be able to steal it anymore. That he won’t be able to steal any of Alec’s clothes anymore. The thought hurts more than it should, and Magnus has to take a deep breath to stop the tears that are threatening to fill his eyes.

He forces a laugh as Alec tells Izzy about the time he and Magnus threw a party but ended up hiding in his room and drunkenly playing the monopoly game that he’s putting into a box and pretends that he isn’t two seconds away from crying.

He doesn’t notice the way Izzy looks frustratedly between the two of them or the way that Alec’s smile doesn’t make it to his eyes.

***

A few hours later, after they’ve cleared the rest of Alec’s things from his room, Magnus stares distractedly at the faded blue walls of the empty bedroom.

Alec is downstairs with Isabelle, piling things into his car, and the thought clenches his heart in his chest.

He doesn’t want him to go. Why can’t he just say that out loud?

He sighs again and thumps his head back against the wall in anger. He’s pathetic, it’s not like Alec is leaving the country. He’ll be right across the street if Magnus needs him. It shouldn’t be the end of the world.

He’s still staring at the wall when he feels someone come sit down next to him.

“Hey you, what’re you still doing in here?” Alec asks, bumping their shoulders together softly.

“Thinking,” Magnus replies. He’s still staring at the wall. He doesn’t know if he can look at Alec without Alec realizing something is wrong. He’s always been scary good at reading Magnus.

“We had some good times in here didn't we?” Alec says softly. His voice sounds sad and far away.

Magnus sighs and leans his head on Alec’s shoulder so that he doesn’t have to look at him.

“I’m going to miss you” he says softly in answer.

Stay.

“I’m going to miss you too.”

***

The first breakfast after Alec has moved out is more painful than it has any right to be.

The two of them only ever had breakfast together on the weekends. Alec always left for work before Magnus, they usually didn’t cross paths until the evening or if they decided to meet up during their lunch breaks. So he didn’t anticipate missing the way the kitchen always smelled like coffee in the mornings or Alec’s stupid notes on the whiteboard attached to the fridge.

The empty board stares back at him as if mocking his pain.

He sighs as he turns on the coffee machine and puts two slices of bread in the toaster.

He’s pathetic. He can’t even have breakfast without missing Alec.

When did he become so dependent on one person that his heart aches when they’re gone?

Chairman Meow hops onto the table once Magnus sits down to eat his toast and Magnus doesn’t even try and berate him for getting on the table when he’s not allowed. He needs the comfort right now anyway.

Chairman plops down on the table and Magnus reaches out a hand to pet a finger down his head. He quickly moves his hand away when Chairman tries to bite at it and rolls his eyes.

“Am I pathetic Chairman?” he asks softly.

Chairman just stares unhelpfully back at him. Magnus groans. He’s descended into asking his cat for advice. Definitely pathetic.

He toys with the idea of texting Alec, even pulls out his phone and opens up to their text conversation.

He smiles down at the most recent text Alec had sent. A photo of Isabelle with a hand behind her head in an exaggerated model pose accompanied by the caption She thinks she’s your favorite Lightwood. Should I let her believe such lies?

Magnus’ reply is the last thing in the thread.

Let her live in ignorance

That had been the Sunday Everything had gone to shit, before all of this moving out business. They hadn’t texted since then. Hadn’t even really talked much besides when they’d gone to see the apartment and when Magnus helped Alec pack.

Magnus sighs again and snaps a photo of Chairman who has now stretched out across the table and sends it.

I think Chairman is sad you left

It’s the closest he can get to telling Alec that he’s sad he’s gone.

***

Alec invites Magnus over to his apartment that Sunday to watch crap TV so at least that’s something he won’t have to learn to live without.

He can’t help but hate the way Alec’s books are already scattered across a coffee table that isn’t theirs and the way that the unfamiliar kitchen smells like Alec’s cooking.

It feels wrong and it’s stupid but Magnus can’t help but be angry at the whole situation.

Alec hands Magnus a plate of freshly cooked spaghetti before they settle down on to an unfamiliar couch and Alec turns on the TV.

“I set up cable yesterday especially for this,” Alec says, as he grabs his plate and moves to curl their legs together.

It’s so familiar that Magnus moves his legs to let Alec’s curl around them without even thinking about it.

As soon as they’re settled together, legs twined and shoulders touching Magnus feels himself relax. He forgets about the stupid unfamiliar couch and the books littered around an apartment that he and Alec don’t share. He just basks in the feeling of Alec beside him. His steady breath and the calming smell of his cologne.

Alec looks down at him through his eyelashes and sends him a smile so soft and bright that Magnus’ heart stutters in his chest.

Alec’s eyes are shining in the slowly fading daylight, the gold specks sparkling and his lips are quirked up slightly at the corners in a smile that Magnus knows Alec only ever smiles around people he loves.

Magnus startles as he finds himself thinking about how those lips would feel against his.

He jerks backwards slightly, trying to put some space between their bodies so that he doesn’t do something stupid like lean forwards and actually kiss Alec.

Alec’s eyes are worried now when they look at him.

“Magnus, are you okay?” he asks softly.

Magnus stares straight ahead, refusing to look Alec in the eyes.

Shit .

Ragnor was right. He’s pining.

Chapter Text

Alec sets a still unopened box onto his bed while he tries to also keep his phone balanced between his shoulder and ear.

“Alec?” Izzy says into his ear, “are you okay?”

Alec stares at the box of clothes and tries to stamp down the frustration that is building up in his veins.

“Sorry, just trying to find a sweater,” he says distractedly into the phone.

He hasn’t had the heart to actually unpack any of his clothes into the new closet in his stupid new apartment because it hurts too much.

He lets out a small noise of triumph when he finds the old green sweater Magnus always steals and brings it up to his face.

He smiles when he breathes in the telltale scent of sandalwood mixed with Magnus’ cologne. God he misses him. So much that he’s standing here smelling a sweater like a crazy person.

“Alec?” Izzy asks again on the other side of the phone and Alec jumps. He’d forgotten he still had his phone cradled between his shoulder and ear.

“Yeah, sorry,” He winces and sighs when he can hear her eye roll through the phone. They hadn’t been talking about anything important at least. Alec has the feeling Izzy’s dancing around the real reason she’s called.

“How are you doing?” How’s Magnus.” She asks softly and Alec swallows roughly. There it is.

“I’m fine,” he says softly, thinking back to the night before. How Magnus had jerked away from him and acted distant all night.

It had taken everything in Alec not to reach out and pull him back into his arms. It was obvious Magnus didn’t want to be there. And- well. That’s what Alec had wanted wasn’t it? Why he’d moved out in the first place. So that he could somehow get rid of the stupid feelings he’s had for the guy since the beginning of forever.

He still feels like he’s ruined something important in the process.

Because Magnus hasn’t looked at him with those bright happy brown eyes since Alec had told him he was moving out and they can’t even watch crappy TV on a Sunday night without it being awkward.

“No you’re not,” Izzy says. Her voice is soft and comforting. In that way that it always is when she wants him to talk to him but isn’t going to push.

Alec almost always ends up telling her eventually.

Which is why he sighs and moves to properly hold the phone to his ear.

“I invited Magnus over last night,” he starts.

“Crappy TV and dinner. The Sunday norm,” Izzy says, a smile obvious in her voice.

“Yeah, well it wasn’t normal. He was distant the whole time and it was awkward,” he runs a tired hand over his face and leans on the dressing table, looking back at himself in the mirror, “what if he’d only been putting up with me because we lived together. He hasn’t been acting the same since I told him about moving out.”

“Alec, you’re his best friend. He wasn’t putting up with you,” Izzy says softly.

Alec sighs in response and watches the way the corner of his mouth tugs downwards in the mirror.

“Why else would he be acting so weird,” he asks defensively.

“Maybe he’s confused that you just up and left with no warning,” Izzy replies in that voice that she’s been using since Alec told her he was moving out. The one that says she doesn’t agree with him and his choice at all.

Alec groans this time and drops his head into his hand.

“You know why I had to do that.”

Izzy’s voice goes soft again as she replies, “I know Alec. But Magnus doesn’t. Maybe you need to tell him why you did it.”

Alec’s heart squeezes painfully in his chest at the words. He’s wanted to tell Magnus for ages, but he’s never had the courage to actually go through with it. Not when he knows it would probably ruin everything.

“I can’t do that Iz,” he says softly in defeat.

“Why not?”

“Because.”

Because telling Magnus would mean losing him.

Because Alec doesn't know if he can live without Magnus in his life

Because he’d rather get to keep Magnus even if it meant watching him fall in love with someone else.

“Because?” Izzy prompts and Alec lets out a harsh breath.

“Because I’m scared of losing him.”

He tries to stamp down the thought that he’s already started to lose him.

***

Alec pulls a shirt over his head and frowns when he looks at himself in the mirror. His hair hangs limply over his forehead and Alec blows at it with a roll of his eyes.

When he’d showered this morning he’d missed being able to steal Magnus’ shampoo and conditioner.

He sighs to himself and pushes the hair back with his hand. He misses the scent of sandalwood in the morning.

Plus it was amazing shampoo.

He’s going to have limp hair for the rest of forever now.

He can’t even go and buy his own because Magnus is Magnus and he fucking makes the shampoo because he’s smart and inventive like that.

Alec has his phone in his hand and is calling Magnus before he can even think about how the last time they’d been together Magnus had barely looked at him without tensing up.

He can’t help but smile when Magnus’ smooth voice greets him on the other side of the line.

“Alexander.”

Alec leans his head in his hand and smiles at himself in the mirror. He’s missed the way Magnus’ warm voice lilts over his full name.

“My hair is a disaster without your shampoo,” he says and smiles when Magnus’ laughter fills his ear.

“I knew you kept stealing it,” he says between bouts of laughter. Alec doesn’t even try to defend himself, too lost in the sound of Magnus’ laughter. He hasn’t heard him genuinely laugh in almost a week. He’s missed it.

“Shut up,” Alec says fondly over Magnus’ laughter which just makes both of them start laughing harder.

Once they calm down Alec can hear Magnus rummaging through something on the other side of the phone.

He sighs quietly and something about it drains the happiness and familiarity that had started to build in Alec’s chest.

Magnus sounds sad when he speaks again.

“I forgot to go grocery shopping without your inventory list.”

It’s not funny this time. Alec’s heart clenches painfully in his chest and he bites his lip to stop the sad sigh from escaping his lips.

“Magnus-“ he starts but Magnus cuts him off.  

“I’ve got to go,” Magnus says and hangs up, leaving Alec to stare sadly at his phone and wonder where it all went wrong.

***

Alec doesn’t speak to Magnus again until the weekend.

He’s staring sadly at the couch where Magnus should be sitting and trying to coax him away from doing work on a Saturday night when his phone rings across the room.

He almost lets it go to voicemail, not wanting to move from his spot in the armchair, papers spread out across his lap. He groans and lets it rings a few times before he piles the papers and heaves himself up.

“Hello?” He answers tiredly into the phone.

“Alec,” comes a familiar voice down the line and Alec freezes in place. Magnus never calls him Alec. Not unless he’s upset.

“Magnus,” Alec answers hesitantly, “is everything okay?”

There’s silence on the other line and Alec can barely hear what might be a shaky hitch of breath.

“No, no, everything is not okay,” Magnus replies. His voice is sad and slurred slightly.

“Are you drunk?” Alec asks softly, biting his lip as he hears a thump on the other line and Magnus cursing softly under his breath. He smiles softly as Magnus no doubt curses out the counter for running into him rather than the other way around.

“Why the fuck did you leave?” Magnus asks quietly, sadly , instead of answering the question. The tone of his voice scrapes painfully at Alec’s heart and he has to bite back the noise of sadness that tries to leave his lips.

“Was I not good enough for you?” Magnus asks, and this time Alec can’t stop the noise of sadness he makes.

“Magnus-“ Alec tries, voice catching as it sounds over the lump in his throat, but Magnus just keeps going.

“Did you hate living with me that much?”

Alec is so startled by the question that he almost drops his phone. How could Magnus think Alec ever hated living with him? Living with Magnus was one of the best things that had ever happened to him.

Maybe because you just up and left without an explanation his mind supplies. It sounds annoyingly like Izzy’s voice.

“Magnus you can’t think that I— that you-“ he cuts himself off when Magnus sighs sadly into the phone.

“I miss you,” he says, voice soft and broken in a way Alec has never heard it before. In a way Alec never wants to hear again.

“I’m coming over,” he says before he’s even made the decision consciously.

He stands from the armchair and picks his jacket up from the couch, phone cradled between his ear and shoulder when Magnus’ voice cuts through his thoughts.

His voice is cold now and it freezes Alec in his tracks.

“Don’t even try. I won’t let you in,” Magnus slurs, breathing a shaky breath that breaks Alec’s heart.

“Magnus what? I-“ Alec trails off as he stares as his door, his jacket still in his hand and the phone up to his ear.

He hears Magnus’ shaky breathing on the other side of the phone.

“I’m sorry,” he says and then hangs up the phone.

Alec stays standing there for another long moment, running a hand over his face and startling when he finds that his eyes are wet with unsend tears.

Fuck .

He can’t stop hearing Magnus’ voice in his head. The way it had caught over his name and how it had been sad and soft instead of the usual familiar warmth Magnus’ voice always held when he was talking to Alec.

Alec stares at the door for another long second before he takes his own shaky breath and spins on his heel. He walks into his room and pulls the top drawer in his bedside table open, rooting around until he finds his old key. The one he hadn’t had the heart to give back to Magnus when he’d moved out.

He almost lets the tears fall as he fists the key and pulls on his jacket.

He knows Magnus doesn’t want him there but Alec needs to make sure he’s okay.

***

When Alec gets to Magnus’ apartment he pauses in front of the door for a long second. He knows Magnus will probably hate him after this, he expressly told Alec not to come over and yet here Alec is.

But he’d been upset and drunk and it was Alec’s fault. And he needs to fix this somehow because he can’t stand the thought that he’s the reason Magnus sounded so small on the phone.

Alec takes a deep breath and pushes the key into the lock, jingling the doorknob slightly to unstick it before opening the door and stepping inside.

He finds Magnus slumped on the couch, cradling a half empty bottle of whiskey in his arms and staring at the ceiling.

His heartache drink.

Something clenches painfully in Alec’s chest at the sight.

“Magnus,” he whispers as he moves to crouch next to the couch.

Magnus whips his head up quickly and stares at Alec with wide unfocused eyes.

“Alexander,” he slurs and Alec can’t help but smile at the use of his full name. He doesn’t ever want to hear Magnus call him Alec again.

“Yeah, it’s me,” Alec says softly, some of his panic ebbing at the fact that Magnus is responsive and hasn’t tried to get away from Alec yet.

He smiles sadly at Magnus and places one hand on his knee, the other softly pulling the whiskey from his grip and placing it on the coffee table.

Magnus doesn’t protest so Alec lets himself move forwards to push his flopping hair away from his eyes. His fingers linger in Magnus’ hair a second and Alec feels how Magnus relaxes into the touch.

Magnus is just staring up at Alec with a look that Alec can’t figure out. He can usually always figure out what Magnus is thinking from his eyes but this time he has no luck.

“Let’s get you to bed okay?” He asks softly. The way Magnus had melted into Alec’s touch earlier gives him a burst of bravery that he uses to cup Magnus’ cheek, softly running his thumb over his cheekbone.

Magnus lets out a long shaky breath and then Alec sees his eyes shutter closed. Alec can almost see the walls coming up as Magnus pulls away from his touch and struggles to sit up on the couch.

“I told you not to come here,” he says. The coldness is back in his voice now. As if he’d forgotten for a moment that he was upset with Alec and had just now remembered.

Alec sighs in resignation, he’s not going to leave until Magnus is in bed. No matter how much the words hurt to hear.

“I know,” he says, moving to help Magnus off the couch, “and you can be mad at me about it tomorrow when you’re sober. Today you need to drink some water and get into bed.”

Magnus protests for a few seconds but Alec has done this countless times before and he expertly slides a hand down and around Magnus’ waist before he can try and move away from his grasp.

“Fuck you,” Magnus says as he drops his head onto Alec’s shoulder and glares up at him. The words don’t have as much bite as the ones before them and Alec’s heart unclenches just the tiniest bit.

He manages to half drag Magnus into his room and drop him onto his bed. He runs to the kitchen to get a glass of water that he argues with Magnus about until he drinks the whole thing and then leaves painkillers on his bedside table.

By the time he’s finished, Magnus is half asleep, looking up at him with half open eyes. He doesn’t look too mad at him anymore and for that Alec is greatful. He doesn’t know if he’d be able to handle Magnus mad at him.

He watches Magnus sleepily blink back at him for a few moments before he turns to leave.

“I’ll see you later, Magnus,” he murmurs softly and after a moment's hesitation places his old key down next to the painkillers. No use keeping it.

When he looks back up it’s to see Magnus sitting up in bed again. His eyes are wide and more focused than they’ve been all night.

“Is that your key?” He asks in a whisper.

“Yeah,” Alec whispers back, not trusting his voice, “Forgot to give it back.”

He shrugs and then startles when he sees that Magnus’ eyes are wet with unshed tears.

Alec sits down on the side of the bed and looks back at him worriedly.

“Magnus what’s wrong?”

“I don’t want you to go,” Magnus says earnestly, “I’m sorry I told you not to come.”

Alec watches in confusion as Magnus grabs onto his hand and holds it tight. The same Magnus who had just told him an hour ago that he hadn’t wanted Alec to come.

“Magnus what-“

“Stay with me, please ,” Magnus interrupts. His eyes are sad and he’s biting his lip as if he’s scared Alec is going to say no.

As if Alec would ever be able to say no to anything Magnus asks.

“Of course I’ll stay,” Alec says, squeezing Magnus’ hand softly before toeing off his shoes and shrugging off his jacket.

Magnus pulls up the covers to let Alec into the bed next to him but his eyes still look sad as he settles underneath Alec’s arm.

He lies with his head on Alec’s chest and Alec runs a hand softly through his hair and tries valiantly not to think about how he wants this with Magnus for real. To be able to hold him this close when he’s not drunk and upset.

They stay like that without speaking for a long time. The only thing that indicates that Magnus is still awake is the way Alec can feel his eyelashes brush against his arm as he blinks.

“Do you hate me?” Magnus asks suddenly into the darkness. His voice is still mostly slurred but he sounds more sober than he had been before.

Alec shakes his head in disbelief at the question.

“Magnus you idiot,” he says, stopping his ministrations in Magnus hair to sit up so he can look him in the eyes, “I could never hate you. I-“

The words are on the tip of his tongue. It would be so easy to just let them out. Magnus probably wouldn’t even remember it the next day.

But Alec can’t get his voice to work past the fear lodged in his throat and he sighs instead, leaning forward to press a kiss to Magnus’ forehead and closes his eyes.

“I could never hate you. Ever.”

***

Somehow after that disaster of a night things get better between them.

Magnus had apologized the next morning when he’d woken up to find Alec with him in bed and they’d had a quiet breakfast together.

Alec had admitted to feeling like they were drifting apart since the move and they’d both decided not to let that happen.

They hadn’t talked about the important things. The things like the fact that Alec had wanted to kiss Magnus throughout their entire conversation or the fact that Magnus was upset Alec had left without telling him why. About how Alec couldn’t seem to find the courage to tell Magnus why he’d left or about how Alec had felt a small ningling feeling that Magnus might just feel something too.

But they had talked and it had helped the feeling of helplessness Alec had in his chest that he was losing his best friend.

Which is why he doesn’t hesitate to call Magnus that Wednesday night, eyes not leaving his TV screen as he does so.

“Magnus!” He says urgently, eyes still focused on the TV as he hears Magnus pick up the phone, “Jennifer found the idol!”

“I know,” Magnus replies, “do you really think I’m not actually watching?” he asks, exasperation seeping into his tone.

Alec and Magnus always watch Survivor together  on Wednesday nights. It had started off as only vague interest when they’d turned the TV on one night and it had been on. It was interesting enough to keep their attention and by the time the episode was over they had both been heavily invested.

They haven’t missed an episode since.

“Fuck,” Alec murmurs as he watches Jennifer on the screen, “whose hand am I supposed to hold in anticipation when this tribal council goes to shit?” he asks seriously and smiles when Magnus laughs bright and amused on the other end of the phone.

“Come over, I’ll take care of your hand holding needs” Magnus says after his laughter has subsided.

Alec raises his eyebrows even though Magnus can’t actually see it.

“And potentially miss something important? No way,” He says, even though the idea of getting to hold Magnus’ hand sounds extremely appealing.

Alec can almost hear Magnus’ eye roll and actually does hear the telltale thump of Magnus dramatically falling onto his back on the couch.

“Come at the next commercial break. You live across the street, I think you can make it.”

Alec feels his lips quirk up into a smile as Magnus speaks.

“Okay.”

Magnus greets him at the door with a small smile  when he makes it to the apartment and Alec refuses to let the fact that he doesn’t have his key anymore ruin the sense of normalcy they’ve managed to finally fall back into.

“Hey,” Magnus says, eyes brighter than Alec has seen them in a while as they make their way to the couch. He tosses Alec a soft worn blanket as they make themselves comfortable on the couch.

“Cameron is getting voted off, I’m calling it right now,” Magnus says, settling back into the couch cushions, arm brushing Alec’s as he does so.

They aren’t sitting as close as they usually would but the fact that they’re both sitting here without acting uncomfortable is all Alec could ask for right now.

By the time the tribal council rolls around they’ve migrated into each others’ space without Alec having realized it. He startles a second when Magnus grabs his hand and he looks down to find that Magnus has his knees resting on Alec’s thighs and their sides are pressed together snugly.

He lets himself smile as Magnus sends him an excited look before turning back to the TV.

Alec has missed this.

***

When Alec wakes up the next morning, it’s to a solid weight on his chest and he looks down in confusion.

He’s met with soft hair in his face and quiet even breathes against him.

They’re still on the couch, somehow bent together to fit sideways on the cushions, Magnus on Alec’s chest and their legs intertwined.

It seems far more intimate than it has any right to be and Alec has to close his eyes and breathe out a slow breath to stop himself from just thinking fuck it and kissing Magnus awake.

This is exactly why he’d moved out.

He bites his lip against the want in his chest and slowly brings a hand up to shake Magnus awake. If he doesn’t do it now, he knows he’ll spend the next hour watching the way his eyelashes cast spidery shadows over his cheekbones and how he smiles softly in his sleep.

“Magnus,” he murmurs, “wake up.”

Magnus groans lightly and burrows his head into Alec neck instead of waking up and Alec drops his head back onto the couch cushions.

He’s so fucked.

A few moments later, which Alec has spent with his eyes screwed shut, Magnus stirs and sits up.

Alec takes a moment to let himself miss the warmth of Magnus’ body against his and then sits up at well.

Magnus is rubbing at his eyes, smudging his makeup further and leaving him looking slightly like a raccoon.

Alec still finds him beautiful. Because of course Magnus Bane would manage to still look attractive after falling asleep on the couch with his makeup on. Alec hates him.

“We fell asleep,” he says when he sees Alec looking back at him. He’s smiling softly and looking at Alec with that look that Alec can never manage to figure out the meaning of.

“Oops?” Alec offers, shrugging his shoulders and smiling lightly at Magnus.

Magnus’ face splits into an easy grin at that and he pats Alec’s shoulder before getting up and offering him a hand.

“Breakfast?”

***

They decide to make waffles and eggs. Magnus sets to work on the eggs while Alec goes to start the waffle batter.

They move around each other with an ease that only living in each other’s space for so long can achieve. Alec smiles happily to himself as he opens the cabinet to get out the mixing bowl and stops in his tracks.

He stares in confusion at the tupperware containers that are inhabiting the cabinet where the mixing bowls are supposed to be and furrows his brows. He’s only been gone two weeks he can’t have already forgotten where things are kept.

“Magnus, where are the mixing bowls?”

Magnus turns to look at Alec over his shoulder.

“Oh I moved them to the one on the left the tupperware needed a bigger cabinet,” he says with a wave of his hand.

Alec spare one last look at the tupperware containers in the cabinet before moving to the new cabinet and taking out the mixing bowl.

For some reason he can’t push down the unreasonable sadness over the fact that he doesn’t actually live here anymore. That he doesn’t know where everything is kept.

It’s stupid and irrational. He’s the one who decided to leave. He can’t be upset about changes he doesn’t know about.

He’s upset anyway.

They don’t talk much as they finish making the breakfast. Magnus seems to have noticed Alec’s sudden change of mood and Alec wishes he could stop it, but he can’t seem to shake the sadness even as Magnus sends him soft sweet smiles as he plates the eggs and takes out syrup for the waffles.

Just as they’re setting the food onto the table, Cat lets herself into the apartment. She’s wearing scrubs and has her hair up and she smiles knowingly at Alec when she sees him sitting on the counter.

“Magnus,” she says, still smiling, “you left your scarf at my place a few days ago. I thought I’d drop it off on my way to work.”

She turns to Alec after, and leans against the counter next to him.

“I thought you moved out,” she says quietly so Magnus can’t hear.

Alec looks into her brown knowing eyes and then glances back at Magnus who is folding his scarf and humming to himself quietly.

God Alec’s in love with him.

He turns back to Cat with a sad smile.

“Yeah, I did.”

***

“Hey Lightwood!”

Alec stops in the middle of the path he’s walking as a cool down from his run at the park and turns to look around for where the voice had come from.

“Up here,” the voice comes again and Alec looks up at the tree next to him to find Magnus sitting on one of the branches high up on the tree.

His lips quirk up into an involuntary smile and he shakes his head.

“What are you doing in a tree?” he asks even though he knows he’s probably not going to get a proper answer. Magnus is grinning down at him in that mischievous way that has only ever lead to trouble.

“What aren’t you doing in a tree?” Magnus quips back just as Alec had predicted.

He sends Alec a devastating smile and leans back into the trunk of the tree carelessly.

“Won’t you join me?” he asks, voice sing-songy and smooth.

And well, Alec’s never been able to resist Magnus. Especially when he’s looking down at him with shining eyes and a wide open smile.

“Fine,” he mutters, moving to get his foot into a foothold on the side of the trunk and heaving himself onto the lowest branch.

He’s slightly out of breath by the time he makes it to where Magnus is perched.

Magnus looks at him a long moment before he scoots over on the branch to allow Alec to come sit down next to him.

“I’m here,” Alec says on a laugh, “care to tell me why we’re sitting in a tree now ?”

Magnus just smiles and bumps their shoulders together playfully.

“We’re just enjoying being one with nature Alexander,” he says simply and then lays his head onto Alec’s shoulder without saying anything else.

Alec sits there startled for a second before he relaxes into Magnus’ touch and smiles down at him.

He drops his head onto Magnus’ and watches as people come and go below them.

He and Magnus have always been good at silence. Of just enjoying each other’s company without actually talking or doing anything. It’s one of Alec’s favorite things about Magnus. That he can be this blinding light of a person, always moving and drawing in people without even having to try, but he can still slow down his world to meet Alec’s.

After some time, Alec bites his lip and chances moving his arm so that it’s behind Magnus’ back. Magnus doesn’t tense or move away from the touch. Instead, he lets out a long content sigh and melts back into Alec’s arm.

Alec can feel his heart beating fast in his chest at the feel of Magnus against him and closes his eyes to calm himself.

Magnus lifts his head up to look at Alec a moment later, and Alec’s breath gets caught in his throat.

Their faces are so close and Alec hasn’t moved his arm so he can still feel Magnus’ warmth against him. Magnus’ eyes are soft and hopeful when they look at him, as if considering something. All Alec can do is stare back with wide eyes.

“Hey,” Magnus says softly, his breath fanning over Alec’s cheek and Alec breathes in a shaky breath.

“Hi,” he replies just as softly, not taking his eyes off of Magnus. He watches as Magnus’ eyes flick down to his lips and then back up to his eyes and he holds his breath.

After a moment that feels like a lifetime, Magnus starts leaning in towards Alec. Alec feels his heart stop in his chest and his eyes widen because Magnus is about to kiss him.

Alec is about to let his eyes slide closed when Magnus freezes and lets out a shaky breath of his own.

Alec sees him shake his head slightly and then move out of Alec’s space slowly.

Alec wants to grab onto the front of his shirt and keep him here in his space, wants to press their lips together and taste Magnus on his tongue but he can’t make himself move to actually do it.

Because he’s a fucking coward .

Magnus looks sad when he smiles at Alec and moves his foot to another branch on the tree.

“We should go,” he says.

All Alec can do is nod and follow him, heart heavy in his chest.

***

It’s all Alec can think about the rest of the day.

As he changes out of his running clothes, he thinks about the way Magnus had looked at him right before he’d leaned in. The way his breath had fanned over his lips as they had frozen in each others’ space.

While he makes dinner, he images what would have happened if he’d moved forwards and captured Magnus’ lips before Magnus changed his mind. Imagines what Magnus’ lips would feel like over his own.

He sits at his kitchen table and tries to make sense of it all. He’d been so sure Magnus hadn’t felt the same way about him. But he’d been the one to initiate the kiss. He was the one who leaned in towards Alec.

He hadn’t been drunk or upset so he had to have been thinking clearly when he’d made that decision.

What Alec can’t figure out though, is why he changed his mind.

That night as he falls asleep, his last thought is of Magnus’ bright eyes.

He dreams of ringed fingers against his skin and soft lips on his own.

***

When he wakes up the next day, the phantom touch of a kiss from his dreams still on his lips, it’s to an empty apartment and loneliness deep in his gut.

He grabs his phone from the side table and looks at the screen, sighing when the only notifications are a text from Jace and a missed call from Izzy.

Nothing from Magnus.

Alec had hoped that maybe Magnus would want to talk. To explain what the hell had happened, but apparently not.

He’s afraid this might have taken them all the way back to where they’d been right after Alec had moved out.

His thoughts get stuck on the last words.

Moved out. Alec had moved out. He had started this whole mess by leaving without even telling Magnus why. Without telling Magnus that he was hopelessly, stupidly, irrevocably in love with him.

Alec is losing Magnus, the one thing he’d been trying to avoid, and it’s all because he can’t get the fucking courage to just tell him.

Magnus had almost kissed him yesterday and the only fucking conclusion Alec can come to for why that happened is that Magnus feels something too.

Alec swings his legs over the side of the bed and stands up quickly, a determination flowing through him.

He’s going to fix this.

Maybe Magnus feels the same way he does. Maybe he doesn’t. Maybe Alec will make a fool of himself.

But he’s got to try.

***

He’s breathing hard by the time he gets dressed and rushes across the street to Magnus’ apartment. He lets the adrenaline flowing through him take control and knocks on the door before he can second guess himself.

When Magnus opens the door he’s dressed in soft sweatpants that Alec knows he only wears to bed and a sleep rumpled shirt that makes him look adorably soft and beautiful.

“Can I come in?” He asks softly, before Magnus can question why he’s at his door so early.

Alec’s blood stops rushing in his ears and everything calms down around him as Magnus sends him that soft smile that makes his eyes shine and opens the door wider to let Alec in.

“Is something wrong?” He asks quietly and Alec shakes his head.

“No-yes-I just-“ he lets out a steadying breath and turns to lock eyes with Magnus. He’s going to do this, “I need to tell you something. It’s important.”

Magnus is looking back at him with wide worried eyes, but he gives Alec a small nod, telling him to go on.

Alec closes his eyes, squeezing them so hard he sees stars behind his eyelids, and then opens them and starts talking before he loses his courage.

“When you were drunk I convinced myself I was just seeing things I wanted to see but then yesterday at the park-“ Alec cuts himself off, the adrenaline seeping out of him by the time he gets to the word. All that’s left is fear. Fear that he’s completely wrong and he’s just fucked everything to hell.

But Magnus, Magnus who has always been in tune with Alec in a way that should be scary, finishes the sentence for him.

“Yesterday I almost kissed you,” he says, staring back at Alec with unreadable eyes.

“You almost kissed me,” Alec repeats. It’s easier to say once Magnus has said it first, “and I’ve been thinking about it every moment since then and I’ve come to a conclusion.”

Magnus’ eyes widen for a split second and Alec takes a step forward before he loses his confidence.

He’s standing in front of Magnus when he speaks again. Their chests a breath apart and Alec’s heartbeat thudding loudly in his ears.

“A conclusion that could be completely wrong. But one that could be right too. And this is too important to not say if there’s a chance that I’m right.”

Alec takes a long steadying breath before looking Magnus straight in the eyes because if this is the last time he gets to talk to Magnus like this, be this close, he wants to memorize everything about it.

“I’m in love with you Magnus Bane.”

And there it is. The big secret he’s been keeping for the past year.

Magnus’ eyes widen and Alec hears his breath hitch softly in his throat but he doesn’t say anything.

Alec holds his breath a second and then keeps going because now that he’s started he doesn’t exactly know how to stop.

“I’ve been in love with you since that first Sunday you invited me to watch crappy TV with you and Chairman fell asleep in my lap instead of yours and you were so offended you didn’t speak to me for a week. I was still in love with you when I walked in on you dancing to Beyoncé in the living room and you refused to be embarrassed. And I’m so in love with you every time I see you wearing my clothes, especially that stupid old green sweater that I don’t have the heart to throw away because it smells like you. I moved out because I didn’t think you would ever feel the same and there was no way I’d be able to get over you when you were so close all the time.”

Magnus’ hand comes up to fist the front of Alec’s shirt and Alec glances down at it for a second before he looks up at his face.

Magnus has his lips between his teeth and he’s breathing hard shaking breaths into the small amount of space between them.

When Alec finally has the courage to look into his eyes he loses his breath for a second. Because Magnus eyes are wide and bright and brimming with emotion. With something that looks surprisingly like hope .

Alec really really wants to kiss him. He’s got this far without Magnus pushing him away so he might as well try.

“I’m going to kiss you now,” he says softly, “so you better stop me if I’m about to make a fool of myself and I’m completely wrong about what that look on your face means-“

He’s cut off as Magnus uses the hand still fisted in his shirt to yank Alec forwards and crash their lips together.

Their noses bump together and Magnus laughs into his mouth a moment before he tilts his head to fix the angle and then Alec loses all the breath in his lungs as their lips slot together properly.

Magnus’ lips are soft and warm against his as he leans his whole body into the kiss and swipes his tongue along the seam of Alec’s lips.

Alec makes a low sound in the back of his throat and opens his mouth against his, moving his arms to Magnus’ waist and pulling him closer.

When they break apart they’re both breathing hard and Alec can’t stop a stupid smile from forming on his face.

Magnus smiles up at him just as stupidly and presses their foreheads together.

“If you didn’t get it,” he says softly, “that means I love you too.”

“Oh thank god,” Alec breathes out, sagging into Magnus’ body and laughing when Magnus buries his face into his neck.

“I’m sorry I moved out without telling you why,” he says with a small shake of his head. It feels like such a stupid decision now with Magnus here in his arms. Magnus who loves him .

“I never wanted you to leave,” Magnus says, bringing his arms up to lock them around Alec’s neck.

“I’m sorry,” Alec repeats in a whisper and Magnus tilts his head up and kisses him in reply.

This kiss is softer. Sweeter in the way that Magnus smiles against his lips and plays with the hair at the nape of his neck.

When he pulls away Magnus stays close, eyelashes tickling Alec’s cheeks as he blinks.

“I don’t want you to get over me. Ever .” He says with feeling, “Will you move back in with me.”

Alec feels uninhibited joy rise up into his chest as he smiles bright and happy back at Magnus.

“Of course, you idiot.”