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Chapter Text

Standing on stage was the most magical feeling in the world, Chenle decided. It didn’t matter how many comebacks he’d participated in, how many music shows they’d all been in, concerts they’d had: being on stage in front of their czennies was amazing. 

The experience itself was indescribable. It wasn’t one emotion or one sensation, but rather a combination of all of them. The sweat dripping down the back of his neck, falling onto his mic pack. The fanchants being screamed through the venue, the blinding stage lights, the pounding of his heart as he danced with the rest of the dreamies, body twisting and contorting gracefully, popping and locking neatly. The beautiful high notes Haechan, Renjun, and him had, the low, husky sounds of Jaemin, Jeno, and Jisung’s voices when they rapped. 

All in all, it was pure joy that he felt when he performed that fueled him as an artist and an idol. But it hadn’t always been easy.

4 years ago: (February, 2015)

“Gege, I wanna go home!” Chenle sobbed into Renjun’s arms. They were holed up in their dorm room that they shared with Sicheng, Yukhei, and Kun, the Chinese members forced to room together. Not that they necessarily minded, though; sometimes, it was nice to be surrounded by Cantonese and Mandarin, to hear the sounds of home. 

Posters of Lay from Exo, Zi Tao, Lu Han, all decorated Renjun’s walls, along with other Kpop/Cpop stars. Yukhei’s Avengers posters decorated the plain grey wall next to his bunk bed, while Kun and Sicheng preferred to leave their walls blank. 

Chenle’s, though, had pictures from China, picture of home, and pictures of his friends. The wall above his little cot, shoved up against the wall, was his comfort space, his reminder that not everything was against him. 

It was hard to be a foreign idol, in any company. Foreigners were always scrutinized very carefully for any and every mistake, to find a flaw in their Korean, their dancing, their rapping or singing. To call them ugly or untalented. And it was especially hard under SM. Why? Because SM was known for the mistreatment of idols, to deny them freedom of expression, to deny them basic human rights.

They’d had so many lawsuits for it, too. Tao, Luhan, Hangeng, Jaejoong, Yoochun, Xia, the list was long. Their mistreatment was obvious, sometimes. Just in SM Rookies alone, Chenle could tell that it would be hard for them. 

They’d already been told the rules. When in future venues and talk shows, there would be no Chinese, no English, no Japanese, just Korean. Even if they weren’t rolling. The foreign members wouldn’t be allowed speak up without it being in the script. They were to be controlled, from day to night, until they got into the dorms, until the cameras and staff were gone. Sure, the Korean members were controlled a lot too, but not as much as the foreign members. 

He and Renjun weren’t even part of SM Rookies, either. SM always published the list of Rookies and the date that they joined the company. Chenle knew that, to the public, Renjun and the other foreign members, as well as himself, didn’t exist at all. 

Chenle would never resent his hyungs or Jisungie for it, never, but he just got tired of it sometimes. And sometimes it just felt good to cry, to just be sad over mindless little things. 

“Why do you want to go home, Lele?” Renjun murmured in his ear, lips brushing over the shell of it, the sound of mandarin calming the younger down significantly. They had these talks every week or so, usually with Chenle as the one being held. Very rarely did Renjun break down, the older usually standing strong, no matter what. 

Chenle took a deep breath, to rattle down every little, stupid thing that had been on his mind. “My Korean sucks, Donghyuck hates me, Ten and Yuta are scary, Jaemin and Yukhei are too loud, Jeno’s always judging me, Jisungie never talks to me, Jaeyong are gross, Mark is never around, I miss home and, “ he paused to catch his breath, “what if we don’t debut together?” Chenle finished, voice barely audible, despite the stifling silence in the room. 

“Oh, Lele,” Renjun murmured, pulling him closer to his chest, in what was supposed to be comforting, yet all Chenle could feel was Renjun’s ribs, sharp and bony against his side. “Is that all that’s bugging you?” 

Chenle just nodded. 

“Okay then, “Renjun continued, clasping his hands together and shooting Chenle a sweet smile, “let’s go talk to the other teens first!” he stood up, sticking his hand out for Chenle to grab. 

The younger paled. “Wait what?” he shrieked, as Renjun dragged him out of their room and toward 3J’s dorm. They’d only been trainees together for a few months, barely even talking to each other, actually, because schedules sucked like that.  “Renjun!” he hissed as the older knocked on the door. He furiously scrubbed at the tear tracks on his cheeks. 

“This is the best way to prove you wrong,” Renjun replied, shooting Chenle another sweet smile. “I know you don’t believe me anyway, when I tell you it.” Another serene smile, this time with his adorable snaggletooth on full display. 

“I just wanted to cry,” Chenle mumbled, wrapping himself around the older’s arm. “If I tell them, they’ll think I’m a stupid little kid.” 

“No they won-” Renjun was cut off by Jisung opening the door, wielding his phone’s flashlight, and blinking owlishly at them. 

“Why would we think you’re stupid, hyung?” The maknae asked, looking half asleep. Chenle supposed he would, when it was nearly midnight. 

“No reason,” He mumbled, shielding himself behind Renjun’s body, trying to hide from the other’s curious gaze. 

“Chenle,” Renjun murmured, poking his side a little. “Go talk to them,” he said in Mandarin. “It’ll help, I promise.” When Chenle whined, Renjun huffed a little laugh. “Go!” 

Chenle awkwardly detached himself from the other’s arm, allowing Jisung to tug him into 3J’s dorm, making him shuffle his feet around. Jaemin and Jeno were peering down at him from Jaemin’s bunk bed, making Chenle wonder why they were up there together. 

“Lele?” Jeno murmured, looking half asleep in the glow from Jisung’s flashlight. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, groaning slightly. Chenle was starting to feel guilty now...

“Um…hi?” His voice cracked a little on the last word. 

“Is something wrong?” Now Jaemin was sitting up too, his hair a tousled mess. 

“Maybe?” Chenle was going to die of embarrassment right this instant. 

“C’mere,” Jaemin mumbled, blinking the sleep out of his eyes as he climbed down the ladder. Chenle rushed into the older’s arms, trying to hold back his pointless tears. He couldn’t help it, really. If anyone offered him a hug, he was incapable of rejecting it. 

“What’s wrong, Chenle?” He murmured into his hair. Jaemin’s arms were bony, but his hug was warm so Chenle cuddled in closer. Screw it, he might debut with Jaemin later, might as well get it out now…

“I’m really just being sad,” He mumbled into Jaemin’s chest as Jeno climbed down the ladder too, guiding the pair to sit on Jisung’s bed. The youngest let out a little whine, but cuddled up behind Chenle anyway, spooning him while Jaemin hugged his front. Jeno settled up near the headboard, petting Chenle’s hair. 

“Why are you being sad, Lele, mm?” Jeno asked. Chenle was momentarily taken aback by the obvious affection in Jeno’s voice. Why would the older care about him? They’d barely even talked! 

“I guess I’m not, not really,” Chenle mumbled. When Jisung snorted, he kicked the younger‘s leg. “I’m scared for debuting and not being enough,” he added, this time even quieter. 

“I think we’re all scared to debut,” Jaemin mused, after a few minutes of silence. “I know I am. I think it’s part of being a trainee. You never know who you’ll debut with.” He looked up at Jeno for a second, the older giving him a small smile. 

“I agree with Jaemin,” Jeno added, smoothing Chenle’s bangs back away from his face. “It’s scary, and you don’t want to form bonds you might have to break.” His smile was crooked, eyes thoughtfully sad. 

“But,” Jeno continued, “I don’t think you should let fear rule your life. Make friends, live your life, truly enjoy being a trainee. I’m sure they’ll tell us soon who’s debuting together, anyway. Even if you lose us, won’t you enjoy getting there with us?”

Chenle whined. Jeno made too much sense sometimes. The older just cooed, pressing a kiss to Chenle’s forehead, making him blush. Jisung snorted, while Jaemin just laughed. 

“Do you want a kiss too, Jisungie?” Jeno teased, blowing a kiss at the maknae. Jisung just scrunched his face up cutely, making Chenle giggle. 

“Cute,” he told Jisung, turning around to cuddle him instead. Jaemin whined, but happily cuddled Chenle’s back instead. 

Chenle really didn’t know why he’d been upset earlier, he realized. It wasn’t like he didn’t kind of know the other trainees, or that he didn’t like them. He just didn’t know how to act, how to think enough of himself. Chenle had no idea what a trainee had to be, what he needed to be. Idols had to be good dancers, good singers, good rappers, good people, but what did trainee have to be? What did they have to prepare for? They always said being a trainee was harder than being an idol because you never knew what was coming. 

“Do you hate me, hyungs?” Chenle murmured. 

“No!” Jeno protested quickly, his worried eyes appearing above Chenle’s head. “I would never!” Jaemin just sleepily whined. 

Somewhat assured, Chenle cuddled Jisung tighter. The younger boy was his favorite, he decided. He nuzzled into the other’s chest, feeling sleep start to tug at the corners of his eyes. 

A soft creak from the door caused Jeno shuffle around a bit on the bed up by Chenle’s head. 

“You can come cuddle too, Renjunnie.” Chenle felt the mattress sink as Renjun joined them, before sleep overtook him. 

Chenle was woken up the next morning by an incredibly loud shriek. Donghyuck was lying across all of them, wrestling with Jaemin, yelling about not being cuddled too. 

“You all decided to cuddle and didn’t invite me?” The vocalist shrieked, punching Jaemin’s shoulder again and rolling around on top of the others, making Renjun curse. 

“Ow, Donghyuck, what the fuck,” Renjun muttered in Chinese, sitting up in the covers and glaring at the younger. Chenle just watched the other give Renjun a cheeky smile before going back to harassing the rest of them. Lots of screaming and shouting ensued. 

Jeno, ever the peacemaker, managed to haul Donghyuck off of them after a while, setting the vocalist on the floor and wrapping his arms around him, hugging him from the back. 

“Morning, Hyuckie,” Jeno murmured into his neck, cuddling the younger. Chenle giggled when Donghyuck purred like a cat, nestling into Jeno’s hold. 

 “What time is it,” Jisung moaned, making everyone look over at him. The maknae was lying flat on his stomach, face buried in a pillow. 

 “10 am, which is too fucking early so go back to sleep or shut the hell up!” Ten yelled through the walls, making the boys burst into giggles. 

 “He does know that 10 is late right?” Jaemin asked, rubbing his arm ruefully and glaring at Donghyuck. 

 “Grandpa Ten gets grumpy when he’s tired,” Donghyuck replied cheekily, grinning at the younger boy innocently. 

 “I heard that, you little shit!” Ten yelled back, causing another giggle fit. 

Once everyone had calmed down, Renjun poked Jisung until the younger woke up again. 

“It’s our schedule-free day today,” he announced, scrolling through the messages on his phone. The oldest flashed the screen at Chenle, who just barely managed to read the message from their manager before Renjun was pulling it away again. 

“Cool,” Jisung muttered, flipping over and wrapping his arms around Chenle, before promptly going back to sleep. Chenle just happily snuggled into the warmth. 

“What do you guys want to do?” Renjun asked, looking up from his phone. 

“Get drunk,” Donghyuck chirped, beaming. “It’d be so fun, like-”

“You’re 16, Donghyuck,” Jaemin deadpanned, staring at the other boy judgmentally. 

“And? Your point is?” 

“Oh never mind,” Jaemin huffed. “You’ll never understand anyway.” He made grabby hands at Renjun, begging the older to cuddle him. The Chinese huffed and sighed, but Chenle saw the contentment in his eyes when Jaemin plopped his head into Renjun’s lap. 

“No, seriously!” Donghyuck protested. “Why can’t we get drunk?!” 

“We’re 16, Hyuck, Chenle’s 15, and Jisung is 15 too for crying out loud,” Jaemin exclaimed incredulously. 

“I still don’t understand why we can’t get drunk. Normal teenagers can get drunk whenever, so why can’t we?” 

“We’re not normal teenagers! We can’t get drunk!” Jaemin half-shouted back. 

“Well I wanna!” 

“No!” 

“Let me get drunk for gods sake, Jaemin! Let me live a little!” 

“Hey guys, do you know where Donghyuck-” Mark poked his head through the door, before stopping in his tracks. “Hi Hyuckie, who’s getting drunk?” The blond ran a hand through his already messy hair. 

“No one!” All the boys chirped simultaneously, making Mark frown suspiciously. 

“Uh huh, okay.” The Canadian slipped into the room and closed the door. His eyes were glued to Donghyuck in Jeno’s arms, while Donghyuck studiously avoided his gaze.  Everyone else just stared at them awkwardly. 

“Do you, uh, have a day off too, hyung?” Chenle asked him, trying to break the tension. Mark was known for constantly being on schedule, the teenager was planned to debut in at least 3 different lineups. What lineups, though, was still a mystery. 

“What?” Mark asked, looking away from Donghyuck. “Oh, uh, yeah, sorta. I don’t have a schedule until like 5 today but it runs all night but it’s still something so I guess I don’t have a day off,” he rambled in English. 

Everyone just stared at him. Renjun broke the silence first. “In Korean please.” Mark flushed, but repeated himself. 

“We were debating what we should do today,” Jeno informed him, letting go of Donghyuck and sitting on the bed next to Renjun and Jaemin. “Donghyuck suggested-” Jeno was cut off by the aforementioned boy slamming his hand over his mouth, making the boy groan. 

“I suggested nothing,” Donghyuck told Mark, laughing nervously.

Mark stared at all of them, looking completely confused. His eyes traveled over Jisung’s curled up form, wrapped around Chenle, who was watching the whole exchange with wide eyes, to Renjun’s amused look, Jaemin’s head in his lap, hair being petted. Finally, he stared at Donghyuck and Jeno, the latter of which rubbing his jaw and wincing. 

“Okay,” he said, dragging out the last syllable. “Did you decide on anything?” 

“We could play spin the bottle!” Donghyuck announced, smiling. “Or strip poker!” 

“16 years old, Hyuck,” Jaemin reminded him, sounding exasperated. 

“What?!” Mark shrieked. 

“You know, whoever it lands on kisses someone else-“ 

“What?!?!?!” 

“Or if you lose a hand you have to take off a piece of your clothes-“ 

“What is he talking about?! Is he ok?!” 

“Don’t worry,” Jeno tried to placate, smiling at Mark. “I’m sure he’s just joking-“ 

“He’s high again,” Renjun interrupted, typing something out on his phone with one hand, the other one still petting Jaemin. 

“He’s WHAT?!” If it was possible, Mark was even louder now, making even Chenle wince. “High?!” He screeched, right as Jeno yelled, “Wait, what do you mean again ?!” 

“Yup, again.” Jeno facepalmed beside Renjun. 

“No!” Donghyuck protested, at the same time. Chenle stared at the other boys. What the hell was going on? 

“Uh, yeah.” Jaemin chimed in, blinking blearily at the arguing boys. 

“How is he high?!” Mark looked panicked. He was staring at Donghyuck like the younger was going to spontaneously combust or grow two heads. “Where did he even get drugs?!” 

“Ask him,” Renjun replied, shrugging. 

“I’m not high!” Donghyuck yelled louder, glaring daggers at Renjun. Chenle just watched the whole exchange with wide eyes, darting back and forth between all the hyungs. Jaemin had his eyes closed and was smiling serenely, while Jeno looked stressed. Renjun looked smug, Donghyuck looked offended, and Mark looked highly panicked. Well, more panicked then he usually looked. Jisung, amazingly, was fast asleep again, despite the absolute chaos surrounding them. 

“Shut up!” Ten’s voice yelled again. “If you don’t shut up, I’ll fucking get Taeyong,” he threatened, making all the boys freeze. 

“Too late,” a voice sounded from the door. Chenle gulped, looking over at the door. Taeyong was standing in the doorway, frowning at all of them and rubbing his temples. 

“What the hell is going on in here?” He asked, planting his hands on his hips and glaring at all of them. Taeyong had his no-nonsense face on. 

“Aw shit,” Donghyuck mumbled. 

After a relatively long and intensive scolding from Taeyong and Ten both, the younger kids were free to go. Mark went off to practice, despite saying he wasn’t going to, just minutes earlier. The rest of the boys decided to just spend their day off watching Disney movies with subtitles on and cuddling in the middle of the floor. Chenle hadn’t voiced it, but he was glad to be spending time with other trainees his age. It’d be nice to form bonds with the others. Whether he wanted to admit it to himself or not, Chenle liked them and felt comfortable with them. 

Currently, Chenle and Jeno were struggling to build a pillow fort in the living room, while Jisung lounged on the couch, making comments every once and awhile. Jaemin and Donghyuck were cooking in the kitchen, while Renjun disappeared somewhere to pick out the movies. 

“This says that you have to use poles to keep the blanket up,” Jeno announced, holding up his phone and pointing to a website. 

“And where are we gonna get poles?” Chenle protested, shooting him an incredulous look. “We’re trainees, remember? We live in dorms, not the circus!” Jeno shot him a wounded look accompanied by a pout, making Chenle shrink back from the cuteness. Since when was Jeno so...cute? Did he just never notice? What was this feeling?

“Wow,” Jisung piped up, grinning wickedly. “Seems like Lele’s got some claws.” 

“Oh shut up, beanpole,” Chenle snorted, tossing a pillow over his shoulder in the general direction of the other. Giggling at the little ‘oof’ the other let out, he bent down to shuffle around the couch pillows spread out on the floor, before holding up a blanket and eyeing the walls of the dorm. Sicheng and Yuta had strung up fairy lights on little detachable hooks around the entire length of the dorm. 

“Hey, Jeno,” Chenle said slowly, an idea started to take shape in his mind, “Could we maybe tie the blankets to the hooks Ge and Hyung put-OW PARK JISUNG, YOU ARE SO DEAD!” Chenle whipped around to glare at the younger who was cackling in laughter. 

“Oh my god,” Jisung wheezed. “If you- could see your face- right now,” he heaved out, grasping his sides. Chenle stood up, brandishing the offending pillow menacingly. 

“Just you wait, Pwark Jisung,” he threatened. “I’ll get you back when you least expect it.” 

“Who’s getting who back for what? Can I join?” Donghyuck piped up, walking out of the kitchen with a Kiss The Cook apron on and a pan kimchi pancakes. 

“No one’s getting anyone back for anything,” Jeno replied, beating the two youngest to it. “Is breakfast ready?” Jeno had managed to tie up the blankets on his own, making a tent above the little tv area. The fairy lights were shining just below the blankets, lighting up the fort with a pleasant glow. Chenle smiled, giving the older a hug and a high-five. 

“If Nana gets his ass in gear, it would be,” Donghyuck replied loudly, looking pointedly back towards the kitchen. 

“My ass?!” Jaemin shrieked, running out of the kitchen, hot skillet in hand. “Are you serious, Lee Donghyuck?!” Chenle stared at Jaemin, as the other boy sent a murderous glare at the boy in question. “Who was gushing about Mark hyung the ENTIRE time while I made the kimchi pancakes that you’re holding?” 

Wait, gushing about Mark hyung? Donghyuck? Was Jaemin feeling okay? The two of them got on like water and oil. Donghyuck was always picking on Mark, while the older was always getting annoyed by him. Surely Chenle was misunderstanding the Korean? 

“Hey, did Jaemin say gushing about Mark hyung?” He murmured into Jeno’s ear, tugging the older down in order to reach him. 

“Yup,” Jeno replied, popping the ‘p’. He must have seen Chenle’s confusion because Jeno added, “They just pretend not to get along.” 

“Ah.” That made more sense, honestly. He turned his attention back to Donghyuck and Jaemin, who were still bickering. 

“I cooked more than you, you ungrateful child!” Jaemin announced, waving the (thankfully) empty skillet in Donghyuck’s face. 

“I’m older than you, you disrespectful brat!” 

“It’s literally one month! ” Jaemin retorted, rolling his eyes. 

“Two, actually, and that’s two months that make me older than you! Show me the respect I deserve, peasant!” 

Jaemin gasped affrontedly. “Did you just call me a peasant?!” He shrieked. Chenle stared at them with wide eyes. 

“I have a headache,” Jeno muttered. 

“Same,” Chenle agreed. 

“Weakness disgusts me,” Jisung announced, smirking down at Chenle and Jeno. “This is nothing.” 

Chenle gaped at him. “You have earplugs in!” 

“And?” Jisung crooked an eyebrow. “At least I was smart enough to bring them.” 

“You little!” Chenle jumped on the younger, tackling him and tickling him. 

If any of the other hyungs minded all the commotion that morning, no one said anything. 

Once everyone had settled down and eaten breakfast prepared by Jaemin (not Donghyuck), the boys all gathered in Chenle and Jeno’s pillow fort to watch the movies Renjun had picked out. 

Chenle was cuddled up with Jisung and Renjun, the younger’s arm wrapped around his waist, his head tucked into the dip between Chenle’s shoulder and neck. Renjun was sitting up, propped up by the couch, with Chenle’s head in his lap. The older was mindlessly running his fingers through the younger’s hair. Jeno and Jaemin was intertwined next to them, Jeno cuddled around Jaemin’s form. Donghyuck was lounging on the sole armchair inside the fort. 

The vocalist was acting nonchalant, but Chenle could tell, now that he knew to look for it, that Donghyuck was looking for Mark every time his eyes darted to the entrance of the fort. It made his heart hurt for the other, knowing he was longing for someone who wasn’t coming. 

It was weird to see Donghyuck so quiet and mellow, all the sass and confident persona stripped away, leaving a vulnerable teenager behind. Maybe Chenle had been too quick to judge the other trainees, maybe he had been a bit too quick to judge Donghyuck. 

As the opening song for The Little Mermaid began, Chenle gently disentangled himself from Jisung’s hold, sliding off of Renjun’s lap. He carefully worked his way through the mess of spread out limbs, making his way towards Donghyuck. 

Wordlessly, he tugged the vocalist off the chair and onto the floor with him, wrapping his arms around the older. Chenle felt Donghyuck stiffen in his arms, before relaxing into his gentle hold, dropping his head onto the younger’s shoulder. 

“Thank you,” Donghyuck murmured, voice so soft that Chenle barely heard him. 

Humming softly, Chenle gave him a little squeeze, pulling Donghyuck closer. He held the older, willing him to be happy, to not long for Mark. 

July 2015

“This fucking stings!” Chenle shrieked, nails digging into Jisung’s skin. The youngest was dutifully letting Chenle cling to him, patting his shoulder comfortingly every so often. 

“I told you it would!” Jaemin protested equally loudly, setting the bottle of bleach down on the bathtub’s edge. 

“You didn’t say it’d feel like someone was ripping my head apart!” Chenle turned his head to glare over his shoulder at the older boy, already regretting his decision to allow Jaemin to dye his hair. He thought it would be a good bonding experience, but the smile that Jaemin shot him, unsteady and slightly nervous, made him suspicious. Jaemin’s eyes were glued to Chenle’s, a guilty look starting to seep into them. 

“What,” Chenle breathed out, squinting at Jaemin. “Why are you looking at me like that.” 

“It’s-uh-nothing,” Jaemin exhaled, a nervous giggle escaping him. The older was slowly starting to back away. 

The voice crack made Jisung look up from his phone, the youngest perched on top of the closed toilet seat, oblivious to the nail-shaped marks in his arm. 

“What’s going on?” Jisung asked, looking at Jaemin, before his eyes landed on Chenle. The boy in question watched the youngest’s eyes widen, also staring into his eyes. Well actually...just above them.

“Na Jaemin,” Chenle hissed, glaring at the older boy, “what the hell did you just do?” 

Wordlessly, Jisung handed him his phone, the camera app open. Chenle took it, turning the camera to selfie mode, and screamed. 

“I am going to murder you, Jaemin!” he screeched, chasing after the older, who was already fleeing the bathroom, tossing Jisung’s phone to him. 

“JENO-HYUNG!” Jaemin screamed, racing through the dorm, dodging all the things spread out across the floor. Chenle was right behind him, towel starting to come off of his hair. “CHENLE’S TRYING TO KILL ME!” 

“I’m in the bedroom!” Jeno yelled back and, immediately, Jaemin turned around and ran around the back of the couch, running for his and Jeno’s room before Chenle could kill him. 

“DON’T YOU DARE HELP HIM, JENO!” Chenle shouted, cursing as he tripped over a pair of shoes in the hallway. He stumbled into Jeno’s bedroom door right as Jaemin slammed it shut, swearing and kicking at the door. 

Chenle could hear Jaemin and Jeno murmuring behind the door, but he couldn’t make out what they were saying. He tugged on the handle, but it was locked, making him groan. Just as Chenle was debating getting Donghyuck to pick the lock for him, Jeno opened the door, stepping out into the hallway. He, too, did a double take when he saw Chenle, but Jeno was better at composing himself quickly. 

“I’m guessing this has to do with your lack of eyebrows?” The older smiled serenely at Chenle, making his heart flutter a little bit. No, dammit, Chenle thought, don’t fall for it! This is exactly what Jaemin wanted! Why do you think he went to Jeno?

“Yes,” Chenle grumbled, not looking the other in the eyes.

“You should probably talk to him about that,” Jeno advised, lips quirking up in a half smile. “Might help with your current predicament.” 

Chenle leveled an incredulous look at Jeno, crossing his arms and pouting. “You can’t be serious.” 

Jeno mocked his pout, making Chenle’s heart do that little leap again, before grinning. “I am serious.” He reached out for Chenle, placing his hand on the younger’s shoulder. “I really think it’ll be good for your relationship.” Jeno winked at Chenle, making the younger all kinds of flustered, before Chenle suddenly found himself in Jaemin’s room, facing a closed door. Staring incredulously at the door, Chenle tugged on the handle. Locked. How the fuck did he lock it from the outside?!

“You’re next, Lee Jeno!” Chenle shouted through the door, sending a pout in Jeno’s general direction, despite the older not actually being able to see him. 

A muffled “that’s fine!”, came through the door, Jeno’s mirth evident in the older’s tone. Chenle just groaned louder. 

“Are you actually going to kill me?” Jaemin’s timid voice came from behind him. Chenle turned around, looking for the older, but he was nowhere to be found. Instead, his eyes landed on the countless plushies on the top bunk, clothes all over the bottom bunk, and the simple curtains around the final bed. Something about the room felt cozy and...safe. It was quite peculiar. He hadn’t felt this way since China. 

Last time he’d been in 3J’s room, he hadn’t really looked around, too overcome with sadness to explore. Almost in a trance, Chenle walked around the room, fingers gliding over the end table covered in lotions and makeup supplies, tracing over a few random action figures. 

Now that he was closer to the free-standing bed, he could see the small polaroids pinned up carefully on a clothesline, peeking through the partially open curtain. Pictures of Jaemin and Jeno in high school, Renjun and Chenle smiling at noraebang, Jisung and Donghyuck cuddling on the couch, completely unaware of the camera trained on them. Chenle’s eyes were drawn to a picture of a girl, lying in the grass and making finger-hearts at the camera. She had crescent shaped eyes when she smiled. Looking closer, Chenle could see little words written in Hangul along the margin of the polaroid. Love forever, Nono. Hwaiting! ~Your sister. So this was Jeno’s bed, then. 

A plain purple blanket covered the bedsheets, a few small, embroidered pillows scattered near the headboard. Somehow, the bed just felt distinctly Jeno. 

The second floor-level bed was Jisung’s, that he knew. The youngest’s bed was unmade, sheets half pulled out, sweatshirts scattered around the base of the bed. There was nothing on the walls, no plushies or pillows to fill the bed with, just the white sheets from the company. Save for the clothes, it felt so...sterile, practically unlived in. Nothing like the sweet (if not shy) and caring boy he knew. Chenle had never realized just how much personality Jisung’s part of the room was lacking...he’d have to help remedy that. 

Chenle carefully folded Jisung’s clothes, placing them back at the base of the bed, before straightening the sheets, tucking in the loose corner. He perched at the top of Jisung’s bed, absently running his fingers over the single, white pillow, hugging it to his chest. 

He didn’t know what he was feeling. This sweet, calm feeling was filling his entire body, warming him from head to toe. Chenle felt content and comfortable here, surrounded by Jeno, Jaemin, and Jisung’s things, as strange as it sounded. It almost felt like...he loved this space because it was filled with his favorite people. Almost as if...he loved them. 

“Chenle?” Jaemin’s sweet voice cut through his musings. 

“Mm?” 

“Are you still mad at me?” 

“No. Does it look that bad?” Suddenly, he was fearful that the older wouldn’t find him cute anymore. 

“Nope,” Jaemin replied quietly.  “You still look cute.” His tone was almost wistful. “I’m sorry I did that to you though.”

“Aw, hyung, it’s okay,” Chenle muttered, shuffling his feet around and clutching the pillow tighter. The gooey feeling in his chest was still lingering, making it rather hard to stay mad at Jaemin, even if the older had cost him his eyebrows. “And you don’t have to lie to me.” 

“You do look cute!” Chenle found himself suddenly engulfed by Jaemin, the older materializing out of literal nowhere, wrapping his arms around him and cooing. His cheek was smushed up against the other boy’s relatively broad chest, Jaemin’s arms around his waist. Tentatively, Chenle wrapped his own arms around other boy’s waist, threading them around the older. If anything, the gooeyness in his chest just increased tenfold. I can do this, he thought, smiling faintly. This is nice. 

“You smell like bleach,” Jaemin murmured into Chenle’s hair, shattering the sweetness of the moment, making the younger giggle. 

“You just bleached my hair, you goof.” 

“I know but,” Jaemin sniffed at Chenle’s neck, making the younger freeze, flush, and erupt with goosebumps, “you also smell sweet.” He paused, nose still touching Chenle’s neck, fluffy hair tickling the younger’s ear. 

Just let me die now, Chenle screeched mentally, full-on panicking the longer Jaemin lingered.  I’m ready to die. Dying in Na Jaemin’s arms can’t be that bad, right? I’m ready, kill me now before I make an absolute fool of myself. 

“Grapefruit!” Jaemin announced suddenly, snapping his fingers and drawing his head back from Chenle’s neck, making the younger nearly sob with relief. “You smell like grapefruit!” Jaemin’s arms were still looped around his waist, but at least now Chenle could breathe. 

“T-that’s my s-shampoo,” Chenle stuttered, embarrassment immediately setting in. He was sure his cheeks were flaming red right now. 

“Hm,” Jaemin hummed, tugging Chenle closer to him once again and resting his chin atop the younger’s head. “Well it smells good.” And, I’m ready to die again. 

They stood there in comfortable silence, relishing in the other’s closeness. Chenle’s heart had slowed its frantic beating a little bit, allowing the younger to breathe a little and enjoy the moment. He didn’t want to think about the implications of what he was doing or the revelations he’d had in this room today. Right now, Chenle was just content to stay in Jaemin’s arms. 

September 2015 

Vocal training was a special kind of hell. The recording rooms were small and cramped, as befitting a music studio, but the wall decor didn’t help. The drab, grey walls were covered in pictures of all the best, most successful artists under SM, intimidating and beautiful, staring down the trainees. It was almost as if the company was taunting them, dangling the prospects of success in their face. 

But the decoration skills of the staff wasn’t the only upsetting thing. 

Chenle was known for having a higher pitched voice. It was just part of him, nothing to be ashamed of. Heck, his parents used to hold mini concerts for him as a little kid because he was that good of a singer. His voice shouldn’t have been a problem. 

And yet? People still made fun of him for it. Some of the other trainees loved to pick on him for every voice crack, every squeak, every little ‘dolphin shriek’ that he made. Because of them, Chenle hated his voice after every session. 

The universe wasn’t kind enough to him to place him in recording sessions with any of his dormmates (read: friends/crushes/sources of his gay panic). No, he had to train with the assholes who would have to be hella good actors in order to become idols because, really, who could stan someone like that? 

Frowning when he missed another note, Chenle yanked his headphones off, the backing track still audible through the speakers from how loud he was running it. He’d stayed overtime and it was starting to show. It shouldn’t be showing. Idols were expected to sing and dance for lengthy periods of time. Chenle wasn’t even dancing! Shoving a hand through his hair in frustration, he winced when his fingers caught on a tangle. 

“Goddammit, Zhong Chenle,” he huffed, slamming his body back up against the studio wall, rolling his eyes over to look at the poster on the wall. 

Lee Taemin greeted his eyes, member of SHINee, one of the best dancers in the kpop industry. Yet another successful idol who gave zero shits about what anyone thought. Why can’t I be like that? 

Letting his head loll to the side, Chenle sighed, slowly sliding down the wall to sit on the floor, one leg propped up, one stretched out in front of him. 

Now that the music wasn’t hammering into his head, the studio seemed suffocatingly silent. Judging by the lack of lighting through the window across the hall (when had it gotten so dark?), it was already well past dinner time. Jisung would be looking for him by now. 

They were supposed to meet up and go out for bubble tea after his training, but after the aforementioned training, Chenle just kinda...forgot. Well, not forgot. He was too overcome with shame in his performance that he stayed longer. Like always. He hoped the younger wouldn’t be too mad. 

It’s okay, he told himself. It’s not like Jisung missed you anyway. He’s got the hyungs, Jeno, Jaemin, Hyuck, and Renjun. Mark, maybe, if he’s home for once. He doesn’t need you. And even if he did, it’s not like this is the first time you’ve disappointed him anyway. I’m sure you’ll do it again. 

The top of the moon was beginning to show through the window outside, illuminating the studio with its faint glow. Music thrummed through the discarded headphones, its sound an insistent buzz of bass. If he focused enough, Chenle could make out the melody he’d been singing for hours. The melody he’d been singing wrong for hours. 

Under the gaze of SM’s artists, Chenle wordlessly picked up his headphones, turned up the volume, and began to sing once again. 

The soft light of dawn filtered through the dorm’s curtains, falling gently onto two boys curled up together on the couch, limbs intertwined, blanket pooled on the ground beside them. One had soft, curly blond hair, recording headphones still wrapped around his neck. He was fully dressed, clad in jeans and a sweatshirt, sneakers still on. The other boy was much more appropriately dressed, pajama pants and a loose t-shirt adorning his skinny frame. 

As it was, the blond boy was using the dark haired boy as a pillow, sprawled out on top of the taller. Quiet, squeaky snores were emanating out of the smaller as the other played on his phone, resting it on the blond boy’s head. 

The dark haired boy paused his game, looking down at his chest to study the other’s features. The gentle slope of his nose, his cheekbones still covered in adorable baby fat. Smiling, he gently brushed one of the blond curls off the other’s forehead, freezing when the other boy began to stir. 

“Mm?” the blond whined, eyes crackling open to stare at the darker boy. 

“Go back to sleep, Lele,” the other boy whispered, breathing out a sigh of relief when Chenle did. 

“Love you,” the blond murmured, before curling his fingers into the other’s shirt and nestling his head into the other’s neck. 

The dark haired boy stared down at the older in shock for what felt like forever, his phone still clasped in his left hand. The city was starting to awaken by the time he unfroze, cars starting to honk their horns in the early morning traffic. 

Setting his phone down, the dark haired boy gently wrapped his arms around Chenle, carefully adjusting the other’s body utop his. Smiling softly, he tilted his head and pressed a kiss to the blond’s forehead, smoothing another wayward curl out of the way. 

“I love you too, Chenle,” Jisung murmured.

October 2015 

Chenle was lounging on Renjun’s bed scrolling through the SM Rookies’ social media account. He and Renjun weren’t officially part of the group or promotions, but it was nice to see his boyfriend perform on the Disney channel every once in a while. Jisung always managed to look adorable. 

Renjun and Jaemin were curled up together on the Sicheng’s bed (since the older didn’t mind), cuddling. The other Chinese boy looked absolutely euphoric to have Jaemin all over him, having confessed to the younger earlier that week. Chenle truly was happy for them, but for some reason, his heart panged just a little when Jaemin pressed kisses to Renjun’s cheek. Frowning at the unwanted thoughts, he turned back to his phone, glad that Sicheng’s bed had bars to hide the others from view. 

Chenle opened and watched the Rookies’ Under the Sea performance, nearly cringing through the second hand embarrassment of seeing Doyoung and Ten sing a Disney song. Somehow, Disney and his two hyungs just didn’t fit together in Chenle’s mind, the pair being way too cynical and sarcastic to ever be found in Disney. Jaehyun and Mark, however, fit Disney rather well in his opinion. Mark was honestly like a big puppy: blond, rather loud, always excitedly hyper. Jaehyun wasn’t any different, just sweeter and less awkward. 

When Johnny popped out wearing a gigantic fish head, holding a gigantic teddy bear, Chenle couldn’t hold in his laughter, laughing so hard that Renjun and Jeno looked over, the latter having been folding clothes quietly on the corner of Chenle’s own bed. 

“You okay?” Renjun asked, quirking an eyebrow at the younger inquisitively. 

“Fine,” Chenle wheezed, holding his sides as he tried to catch his breath, “just watching Johnny walk around in a fish head.” Jeno and Jaemin both sputtered at that, Jeno looking embarrassed and Jaemin looking smug. 

“You found that performance?!” Jeno shrieked, lunging next to Chenle to stare at his phone screen. Chenle giggled when the older groaned at himself, video-Jeno appearing briefly. “I hated that,” he grumbled sullenly, plopping his head down on Chenle’s shoulder. “That was the most humiliating thing I’ve ever done.” 

“I don’t know,” Jaemin remarked, grinning impishly down at them. “I thought you looked rather cute.” 

“Ditto,” Renjun added, mumbling into Jaemin’s chest. Jeno just whined louder, making Chenle giggle more. 

“Aw, hyung, “he cooed, fluffing Jeno’s hair and squeezing him. “It’s not so bad.” 

“Mm hm.” Jeno seemed unconvinced, but at least his ears weren’t as red now. Cooing again, Chenle turned his attention back to the video to watch Jisung’s dance solo. As he watched, Jeno’s head slowly slid down off his shoulder and onto his chest. The older then proceeded to cuddle in closer, even hooking a leg over Chenle’s hip. 

Not daring to move at all, he carefully looked down, noting that Jeno’s eyes were closed, his breathing steady. Falling asleep, then. Honestly, the cuddling he didn’t mind. He was a cuddly person already, plus skinship was major with his dormmates, especially the ones his age. And his friends...gosh, don’t even get him started. Jaemin, Hyuck, and Jeno craved cuddles like starved men. 

The sound of a camera shutter going off made Chenle whip his head over to stare up at the boys on the other bed, video completely forgotten. Sure enough, Renjun was smiling at him serenely, phone still tilted down towards him and Jeno, Jaemin snickering at his side. 

Blackmail, Jaemin mouthed gleefully, smirking at Chenle. Jisungie’s gonna love this.

You wish, Chenle retorted, sticking his tongue out very maturely. Fine, so they had a picture of them cuddling. So what? Jisung wasn’t going to be jealous. You think, his brain helpfully tacked on. Chenle immediately shut it down. He’d seen Jisung admiring Jeno before, surely the younger wouldn’t care. Also, he wasn’t above being petty with Jaemin. Two could play that game. 

Forget me, he mouthed, raising an eyebrow at Jaemin. Maybe you’ll both finally realize you want Jeno in your rel- Chenle was cut off by a loud yawn from Jeno, the boy sitting up from his comfortable position utop Chenle and stretching, shirt riding up, revealing Jeno’s abs. 

Chenle froze, desperately trying not to stare at the exposed skin. You have a boyfriend, he repeated, one that you love very much. You truly love Jisungie, it’s a fact. You can’t go crushing on Jeno.

Lucky for him, however, Jaemin and Renjun both seemed to be having a similar problem, the pair’s eyes glued to Jeno’s skin. The boy in question stared at them questioningly, making Renjun glance away quickly, while Jaemin just winked. Chenle was starting to feel really hot. Was it hot in here? It was totally hot. 

He tugged at his shirt collar absentmindedly, as Jeno stumbled around the room, still half asleep, looking for his gym bag that he’d tossed somewhere when he first came in. 

A thick silence filled the room, the tension obvious to literally everyone except Jeno, the cause of this whole mess. Renjun and Jaemin were whispering in the upper bunk bed, Renjun’s ears still tipped with red. Chenle caught the words “maybe we should tell him” and “he doesn’t like us like that”, making him freeze.

He wanted Renjun and Jaemin to be happy, of course. He loved Renjun with his entire being, the older was his anchor to home, his best friend, practically his brother, and Jaemin was awesome, too, the other boy always making everyone smile. And Jeno, he knew, loved Renjun and Jaemin. It wasn’t even a question. Yet, for some reason, if they were to date Jeno...Chenle didn’t think his heart could handle it. Yup, he was gonna have a hard-core teenage angst session tonight. 

“Jeno, I want to go to the gym with you,” Chenle announced out of the blue, looking over at the older as he gathered his things to put in his gym bag. The minute he said it, he regretted it. Now he’d have to 1.) Work out and 2.) Watch Jeno work out. On second thought, though, maybe the second option wouldn’t be too bad... No! Think of Jisung! What the hell is wrong with you?! 

“Okay,” Jeno replied, flipping his dark bangs back to smiling at Chenle. 

Renjun, however, immediately looked suspicious.  

“Why?” He asked, peering down at the younger with one eyebrow raised. “You hate working out.” 

Chenle sputtered for a minute, trying to come up with a valid excuse. “I want to get better, then.” Judging by Renjun’s amused expression, it was pretty obvious what he was doing. “Besides,” Chenle scrambled to add, “I can pick up Jisungie from the dance studio too.” Damn, he really hoped his boyfriend would be practicing right now. 

“Come on, Chenle, deep breaths.” Jeno was rubbing circles into Chenle’s back, the younger collapsed on the floor in fetal position, gasping and coughing. Sweat was pouring off of him in rivulets, his blond hair clumped against his forehead. He could feel his shirt clinging to him wetly, but if Jeno minded, he certainly didn’t say anything. 

“How-the fuck- am I- supposed- to breathe- if I’m- dying,” Chenle gasped, rolling over onto his back and staring up at the bright florescent lighting.

Jeno just chuckled, bright smile filling his view. “I thought you wanted to work out with me?” 

“Yeah, work out,” Chenle agreed, shooting a half-hearted glare at the older. “I didn’t think you’d try to kill me!” 

Jeno continued to beam angelically down at him, but a slightly sheepish look creeped down into his eyes as the older scratched his head. “That’s what I normally do though?”  

Chenle stared at him incredulously. Jeno ran on the treadmill for thirty minutes on the highest speed, did 200 sit-ups, 100 pushups, bench pressed 52 kilos (one whole Renjun!) for twenty minutes, then worked ropes for another twenty, then ran steps for yet another twenty, every day?!

“You are insane, Lee Jeno! An absolute lunatic!” Unfortunately, the extra emphasis made his throat seize up, causing him to choke on air pathetically. Jeno, bless him, just continued to rub his back soothingly, ignoring his comments.

“You good yet, Lele?”    

Chenle just groaned. “I’m better. I understand where you got your abs from now.” Now that he could breathe again, Chenle found his eyes drifting back to the boy next to him, realizing belatedly that he was shirtless. When had that happened? Swallowing hard, his eyes carved a path down Jeno’s broad chest, following the line down to his abs. He could count the spaces between Jeno’s ribs. 

“Enjoying the view?” Jeno was smirking down at him. When Chenle hurried to meet his eyes, he winked, making the younger flustered. 

“I- no- I just-” Chenle was sure his ears were flaming. 

“I’m just teasing.” Jeno stuck a hand out, helping the younger stand up. Unfortunately, this placed Chenle closer to Jeno’s bare chest. Jumping away as if burned, Chenle hustled to grab his bag, shoving his shirt down into the bag. 

“I’m ready to go!” He exclaimed, praying that his voice wouldn’t tremble. Curse teenage hormones, Chenle lamented. How had the hyungs survived years of this?

“Yeah, just give me a sec.” Jeno stretched, the muscles in his back shifting as the other boy worked out his shoulder. Chenle’s eyes immediately made friends with the ceiling. 

“Okay, I’m ready!” Jeno, now fully clothed, announced, slinging an arm around Chenle’s shoulder. 

“Let’s go,” Chenle’s voice trailed off, eyes falling upon the boy leaning against the doorframe of SM’s gym, looking highly unamused. “Hi Jisung…” 

“If you don’t mind, I’ll be taking him right about now,” Jisung said smoothly, cutting in where Jeno had been standing, the epitome of politeness. 

“Oh it’s fine,” Jeno replied amicably, shooting a crescent smile at the couple. “I’ll go hang with Renjun and Nana.” He gave Chenle a pat on the back, flashing yet another smile at Jisung, before running out the door. How he could run after that workout,  Chenle had no idea. Just thinking about it was exhausting him even more. 

“I can take your bag,” Jisung murmured, slipping the aforementioned object off Chenle’s shoulder and slinging it over his own. Chenle could feel the nervous stress leave his body, the couple falling into their usual behavior. 

“Thanks,” Chenle replied, equally as soft. His fingers kept brushing against Jisung’s as they walked, headed towards their favorite thai ice cream shop, just outside of the company zone, and Chenle was itching to intertwine them. 

“I’m not actually mad,” Jisung mumbled after a while, glancing to the side at Chenle. 

“Mm,” Chenle hummed, noncommittal. 

“I’m not,” Jisung insisted, as they reached the ice cream store. “Maybe just a teeny tiny bit jealous,” he tacked on, after a minute, cheeks puffing out adorably. Chenle cooed, reaching out to pinch the younger’s cheek, making him scrunch up his face even more. 

“Cute,” he remarked, before brushing pass the younger and into the store, briefly squeezing Jisung’s hand. 

“So,” Jisung started, pausing to stick a spoonful of raspberry ice cream in his mouth, “how was working out with Jen?” 

“Good,” Chenle mumbled around his own ice cream, although his was lemon. “He tried to kill me though.” 

That made Jisung giggle. “I know, I saw.” Now that made Chenle groan. 

“No seriously, Sungie, he’s a literal workout beast. It’s insane!” All the previous tension dissipated, replaced by their typical banter. Chenle felt more relaxed than he had in a long time, and, yet again, he was amazed by what Jisung’s presence could do for him. 

“Well he’s hot as hell so…” Jisung mumbled under his breath. Chenle’s breath caught in his throat. What? 

“You think Jeno’s hot too?” Crap, now he’d admitted to it. His stress was back, full force. Jisung was going to think he was so weird...or worse, unfaithful. Tension was starting to radiate off of Chenle once again, the blond slowly getting more and more upset and worried. 

“Too,” Jisung repeated slowly, “you think Jeno’s hot too,” he parroted, staring at his boyfriend. “Are you serious right now?” 

“Maybe,” Chenle stuttered, fingers fiddling with the spoon between them. “Is that bad?” 

Silence. Jisung was staring at him with an unreadable look on his face. His lips were puckered, eyes thoughtful. Chenle was starting to seriously worry. Was this what happens before a breakup? Was Jisung breaking up with him? Oh my god, was Jisung breaking up with him?! 

“Do you want to date Jeno?” Jisung’s voice was steady, and it was really freaking Chenle out. 

“No! Of course not!” Chenle rushed desperately. “No of course not! I only want to date you!” His heart was beating out of his chest, paralyzing fear wrapping around his vocal cords. Please please please believe me, Jisungie. I would pick you over Jeno every day. I need you more than I need him, he thought desperately. Yet a tiny voice in his head was saying something else. Something that sounded an awful lot like ‘what if?’

“What if I want to date Jeno too? Then does your mind change?” Jisung’s eyebrows were raised, as he stared into Chenle’s eyes. Somehow, it was flustering him even more. This is a trap. 

“You know I love you, right Jisungie?” Chenle wasn’t above begging right now. “Please, don’t break up with me.” 

Jisung’s jaw dropped. “Chenle, I’m not breaking up with you.” 

“What?” 

“I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I like Jeno too, you idiot.” Jisung’s fingers wrapped around his own, frozen around his ice cream spoon. Chenle couldn’t breathe. He was wrong?

“I’m confused,” he mumbled slowly, eyes drifting down towards their intertwined hands. “You like Jeno? You’re not breaking up with me because I like Jeno?” 

“Don’t be dense, Lele,” Jisung retorted, a half smirk creeping onto his lips. “I said I like Jen too. Want to date him, even.” 

“What?” 

“I like Lee Jeno, our fellow trainee, too,” Jisung repeated slowly, still smirking effortlessly at Chenle. “Try to keep up, babe.” 

“Can you even like two people at once? Is that a thing?” 

“Sure it is,” Jisung replied smoothly, using Chenle’s hand to feed himself a spoonful of lemon ice cream. “It’s called polyamory. Just ask Injoon and Nana about it.”

You could like two people at once? Equally? Chenle was amazed. That could explain so much…”How do you know so much about that polylamberry stuff anyway?” 

“Polyamory,” Jisung corrected, laughing. “And it’s called Naver. You should try it some time. Honestly, how are you older than me?” The younger held his own ice cream spoon to Chenle’s lips. “Open up, babe.” 

“Quit calling me that,” Chenle whined, the lemon tangy on his tongue. “It’s too cute! Makes me all mushy inside!” 

“That’s the point, babe.” Jisung’s smirk was absolutely obliterating. 

“Fuck you too, Pwark Jisung.” 

“You love me, Lele.” 

“You wish.”

“Hey!” 

Chenle’s mind was replaying his conversation with Jisung over and over again in his head, the familiar words practically headache-inducing.  Can you like two people at once? Is that a thing? Sure it is. Chenle’s fingers fiddled with the zipper of his hoodie, eyes staring blankly at nothing at all. It’s called polyamory. The buzzing grew louder, the pressure starting to mount between his eyes. Just ask Injoon and Nana about it. Frowning, Chenle twisted over onto his side, eyes landing on the sleeping boy just across the room from him. It would be so easy…

His lips formed the words before his brain could completely process the thought. “Renjunnie?” His whisper cut through the room, deafeningly loud in the sleepy silence of the dorm. 

A drowsy moan of acknowledgement filtered into Chenle’s ears, seemingly even louder than his previous whisper. 

“Renjun!” Chenle whispered a little louder, a little more insistent, still careful not to wake Sicheng or Kun. Yukhei, he wasn’t too worried about. That boy slept like the dead. “Can I talk to you?” 

The body in the bed slowly rolled over, blankets twisting around the small frame entangled inside them. Very, very slowly, Renjun sat up, blearily rubbing the sleep from his eyes. A network of pillow creases were maring his cheeks, his dark hair tangled into a rat’s nest. 

“You okay, Lele?” Renjun mumbled, crossing his legs and plopping his hands in the space between them. The positioning created an adorable slump to his shoulders, Renjun’s eyes, now wide and attentive, were round with a heartbreakingly young light in them. 

Chenle very nearly started cooing at the adorable sight, before he got ahold of himself. “I’m okay,” he mumbled back, scratching the back of his head. Now I feel really bad for waking Renjunnie up. Should I still ask him? It was right on the tip of his tongue, just waiting to be said out loud. Ask the question, he berated himself, just say the words. The words were starting to catch in his throat, prickly and suffocating, full of implications. 

Seemingly sensing his internal dilemma, Renjun lifted the corner of his sheets up off his bed, and nodded his head towards them. “Do you need to cuddle?” 

Infinitely thankful for the other’s offer, Chenle wordlessly climbed off of his cot, wincing when his feet hit the cold floor, before crawling in next to Renjun. The older was so, so skinny and small, but Chenle still wrapped himself around Renjun, cuddling closer, tucking his head into the space between the older’s chest and outstretched arm. When Renjun’s arms folded around him, Chenle felt infinitely more comfortable, more at ease with the question he was waiting to ask. 

“Whenever you’re ready,” Renjun murmured into Chenle’s hair, brushing a curl off his forehead. Plush, soft lips pressed gently against his temple as gentle fingers combed their way through his hair. 

Emboldened by the gentleness in Renjun’s voice, Chenle took a deep breath before blurting out, “Tell me about polyamory.” The minute the words left his mouth, Chenle winced. For one, he said that way louder than he was planning to, and second, he meant to ask! Not demand like some insolent-

“Why?” Renjun’s question cut Chenle off, not a trace of judgement in his tone, just idle curiosity. 

“I heard from Jisung- and you just- Nana and Jen- I was wondering- you know- like maybe,” Chenle babbled. 

“Slow down.” Renjun huffed a little laugh into Chenle’s hair, fingers playfully tugging on one of the strands. “I can’t understand you.” 

Chenle let out a mortified whine. “But talking about things is hard!” He protested. 

“Aw,” Renjun cooed, “baby doesn’t know how to talk to people about his emotions?” 

“Shut uppppp!” Chenle buried his head in Renjun’s chest. “I’m only a year younger than you! Don’t say it like that!” 

“I’m just teasing,” Renjun soothed, giving the younger a little squeeze. Chenle’s nose might have gotten a little squished, but that was fine. Renjun was warm, and Chenle was a panicked, confused gay so it was all good. 

“Do you still want to know about poly?”

“Please?” 

“Hm,” Renjun’s hum vibrated in his chest, sending little shocks through Chenle’s cheek. The sensation was actually kind of tickling. Before he could comment about it, though, Renjun was already speaking again. 

“Well, polyamory is loving more than one person at a time. It’s not really complicated, unless you make it complicated. Some people end up loving the same person and forming a triple, some people just have multiple partners without a completely affixed relationship. 

“You can love someone just the same amount that you love another one of your partners, maybe not the same way, because all love is different, but the amount doesn’t differ, You don’t love someone any more or any less.” Renjun paused to look down at Chenle. “Making sense so far?” Chenle just nodded. 

 “Personally,” Renjun continued, “I think it’s important to establish boundaries and expectations with your partners. For example, Jaemin and I know that being possessive of Jeno in public isn’t something we can do too much, just like Jeno and I know that showing affection in front of the other members isn’t something he’s comfortable with. As long as you’ve got open communication with your partners, your relationship can really get the chance to develop.”

Chenle was momentarily hung up on the revelation that Jeno was part of Jaemin and Renjun’s relationship before he could actually process the information Renjun was handing him. And when he did...

It made a lot of sense, actually. Chenle didn’t love any of his members any less or any more than he loved Jisung. They were all really different. 

Donghyuck was a tornado, sweeping through his heart and throwing everything around, challenging every defense the younger had set up. Hyuck loved bright and unashamedly, daring someone to say something about it. Despite all his chaos, though, Donghyuck was always willing to stay with you as you fell apart, to glue you back together when you were nothing but shards. 

If Donghyuck was a tornado, Jaemin’s love was a typhoon, an endless barrage, drowning Chenle in affection. Jaemin’s love was unique in the sense that it was always present, even in the most baffling of conditions. Jaemin would love you until you couldn’t take it anymore, insistent and demanding, yet always comforting and kind. If you asked Chenle, Jaemin’s love was the most addicting of all. 

Jeno was the polar opposite. His love didn’t overwhelm or amaze you; his love snuck in quietly, and settled comfortably around your heart. The older was always calm, always steadfast, always there for you. Jeno loved quietly, like a tranquil brook winding down a mountain. One could create ripples that disturbed the peace, but the brook would never ebb, always continuing to flow. Jeno loved with a quiet tenderness that was unparalleled. 

Renjun’s love took a different mold than the rest of them. Renjun deny, deny, denied until he couldn’t deny anymore, until his love was so blatantly obvious to anyone receiving it. He was always determined to put up a front, to pretend not to care, when in reality, his love was the most stubborn. Renjun’s love was masked, protected, guarded, but so genuine once you got past his shields. You just had to earn it first.

Chenle wanted to earn it.

And finally, Jisung. Jisung was Chenle’s first love, his first kiss, his first everything. Jisung was the one to teach him what loving was. And in that sense, Chenle’s heart would always belong to the younger, always belong in Park Jisung’s too-big hands. Jisung’s love was quiet, defiant, just like Renjun’s, but fierce, snarling, growling, ready to defend. If anyone hurt someone Jisung loved, the world would end before the younger would forget. And Chenle loved him for it. 

Chenle loved all of them, he realized, cuddled up in Renjun’s arms. He loved all of his fellow trainees, all of his friends, and there was nothing to do about it. His heart belonged to every one of them, irrevocably, and Chenle was so, so screwed. 

December 2015

Chenle laid in his bed, staring at the bottom of Sicheng’s bunk, having acquired it when Yukhei moved to the new dorm wing. The bars were old, and Chenle knew every pattern by heart, but he still traced them, skimming over the lines. He rolled over in his covers, pulling them up to his chin. 

The words from earlier still haunted his thoughts. We have an announcement. Chenle kicked the wall, glaring at the photo of him and Ten. The first major project from SM Rookies to be established is NCT U. Unbidden, his eyes started to water, remembering the anxiety and stress that had been pouring off of all of them. The first member is Lee Taeyong... Chenle remembered the sharp, stabbing pain of his own fingers nails digging into his palm. Jung Yoonoh... Renjun’s fingers threading into his own, as his whole body started shaking. Kim Dongyoung, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul, and Lee Mark. 

The first song released will be by Moon Taeil, Jung Yoonoh, and Kim Dongyoung, however. 

Chenle had felt his heart sink, eyes starting to fill up. The debut is set for April. NCT U’s concept will be rotating. The members will change to fit the concept. The older SM Rookies are more likely to be picked. 

Another project, NCT 127, is in the makings. The first part of the lineup is Jung Yoonoh, Kim Dongyoung, Lee Taeyong, Moon Taeil, Dong Sicheng, Lee Mark, and Lee Donghyuck.

As you might have noticed, NCT is the overall group being created. It will be made up of subunits, each promoting under different names but ultimately as the same group. 127 is planned for July. 

NCT Dream is the final subunit being created. It will follow an age-order system in which members who are 22 age out and up into U or 127. Chenle’s heart was beating out of his chest, the thundering like horse hooves on the ground. Could this be it? Was he debuting?  Lee Mark, Lee Donghyuck, Na Jaemin, Lee Jeno, Huang Renjun, and Park Jisung will be the first generation. Thank you, that’s all for today. The rest of you, there’s nothing for you. Go back to your training. 

Chenle hadn’t realized just how bad he’d wanted to debut until the prospect was right in front of him. How was he supposed to function, to be okay, when the first debut project slipped through his fingers? Chenle had worked himself so, so unbelievably hard in order to debut. He’d sacrificed his entire childhood to become an idol. No friends, no family, no pets, no normal life. No days lounging at the mall, texting on social media. No school. Just a chance at debuting. 

It’d been right there, and then they told the trainees that it was only for older members? Then that Dream would be made of teenagers? But he wasn’t in it? Would they have him train until he was seventeen to even be considered? That didn’t make sense! Jisung was younger than he was! 

All of Jeno and Renjun’s gentle assurances melted away, replaced by snarling, scrabbling doubt, clawing its way into Chenle’s lungs. After all the promises that they would debut together, still see each other, he was still being separated from them. His friends, maybe even his loves, if his heart was to be believed, his boyfriend, they were all being torn away from him in the most brutal way possible. 

A single tear leaked out of his eye, tracing down the curve of his cheekbone. 

“You have to get out of bed.” Renjun’s face filled Chenle’s view, interrupting his thoughts. 

“Go away.” Chenle turned away from the older, hiding under the covers. He didn’t want encouragement or cuddling. He just wanted to be left alone. 

“It’s almost been a month, Lele,” Renjun tried again, this time in Mandarin, sitting down next to Chenle. His fingers slipped through a few strands of Chenle’s hair, just enough to soothe him but not annoy him. “You won’t even talk to Jisung.” 

“And?” Chenle bit back in Korean, purposefully rejecting Renjun’s attempt at comfort. 

“You need to do stuff other than train and cry,” Renjun pleaded. “Come hang out with us, it’s the weekend and we’re schedule-less.”

“No.”

“You can’t live like this.” Renjun’s fingers stilled in his hair. “I know you’re upset, but you can’t let it eat at you. “

“Ha, upset,” Chenle snorted, pulling away from Renjun completely. “Try watching your best friends train to debut without you, without ever saying a word about how they miss your or want you with them. Try being an absolute failure. Then tell me that I’m just ‘upset’.”

He felt more than saw Renjun recoil, the hurt leaking out of the older and into the air. Chenle could feel it surrounding him, adding more pressure to his already constricted lungs. 

“I’m sorry, Lele,” Renjun murmured, “I never realized we hadn’t said something.” The older’s fingers brushed against Chenle’s neck. He jerked away, shooting a glare over his shoulder at Renjun.

“Don’t touch me,” he snapped. “And don’t call me that.” Another tear made its way down the slope of his cheek.”You don’t deserve it.” 

Renjun stiffened at that. “Why-”

 “You get to debut with your boyfriends,” Chenle cut in, “You get to be in love and be happy with them! You don’t know what it’s like!” He screamed, “You just don’t! You’ve always had your loves and you’ll never understand what it’s like to watch them be happy without you!” The minute he said it, his stomach heaved with guilt as his heart constricted even more painfully in his chest. 

“Is that really how you feel?”

“Does it matter?” Chenle retorted, rolling his eyes to the wall. 

“I’m sorry.” Renjun’s voice cracked a little, almost pleading, making Chenle wince a little. 

“Don’t say that if you don’t mean it.” 

“I do mean it!” Renjun was crying now. 

“No, you don’t. You don’t understand, and that means you’ll never be sorry.” Chenle looked over his shoulder at the older and recoiled. Tears were flowing freely down his cheeks, dripping down onto Renjun’s clothes. The older looked completely devastated. 

“I’m still sorry,” he choked out. “You know I love you, right?” Chenle turned his back on the older, even as his heart protested. He heard Renjun’s choked off sob, before the weight on his bed lifted, the mattress plumping back up as Renjun left the room sniffling.

It was a long time before someone else came back to try to talk to him.         

Chenle sent Jisung away without even looking at him. 

January 2016

If the older trainees cared that Chenle was a shadow of his former self, they didn’t show it. No one except the dreamies bothered to check on him, and Chenle hated them for it. 

On New Years, they left him a little basket of firecrackers, fruit, and chocolate. That same night, Sicheng brought him a plate of homemade gyoza with a hard boiled egg on the side. A little later, Kun and Yukhei left him an apple and yuzu candies. Chenle ate the dumplings and nibbled on the apple, leaving the first present untouched, ignoring the look of hurt on Renjun’s face when the older returned to the dorm later that night. 

February 2016 

 Chenle was getting used to it, always feeling alone. Loneliness had become his constant companion, always twined around his shoulders, whispering in his ear. Its presence weighed heavily on his weakening body, even as Chenle trained harder than he ever had in his life.               

It’d become second nature by this point, to wake up at 3 am to go to dance practice before Jisung was up, then eat a bagel for breakfast at 8, making sure Jaemin wasn’t in the kitchen. Then he’d go train his vocal cords until 2:55 pm, five minutes before Donghyuck’s lesson, avoid Jeno at the gym for another hour, before crashing at the dorm for a power nap. After that, Chenle would run to Idol Etiquette Lessons, picking up a piece of fruit for dinner, before falling into bed at 7, two hours before Renjun’s last schedule.               

Funnily enough, Chenle still wasn’t training hard enough to beat Mark.                 

He and the older had been hanging out more, actually, due to Chenle’s increased training habits. Where he had resented his friends for debuting without him, Chenle pitied Mark more than he envied him, the prospect of three consecutive debuts in three different units being too much for the younger to even comprehend. Maybe it was hypocritical of him, but Chenle just couldn’t resent Mark.                 

The older had become a big brother figure of sorts, the same status as Sicheng and Kun. 

Speaking of which…

“Eat the apple, Chenle,” Mark pestered, waving the fruit in question in his face. 

“Why!” Chenle protested, dodging Mark’s insistent hand. “I don’t fucking want to!” the look on Mark’s face made him roll his eyes, but he still corrected himself. “Fricking, I mean.” He laughed at the content look that took over the older’s face. 

“One, you sound like Jisung and Hyuckie with that mouth. Two, apples are full of healthy things! Lots of fiber, antioxidants, vitamin C, and potassium!” 

Chenle’s heart seized up, hands clenching involuntarily at his sides. His teeth gritted together a little, as he tried to carefully relax his hands. It doesn’t do you any good to get upset, he told himself. Mark has no idea. But a voice buried deep inside his head added, Isn’t it your fault too? 

“Ha, yeah,” Chenle agreed, sliding his hand into his pocket to mask the fist. Mark, however, just looked more confused. Chenle watched as his expression changed, realization coating his features, before Mark’s eyebrows drew together. 

“Okay, I think I get it,” he said slowly, studying him with careful, worried eyes. Chenle nodded for him to continue. “You had a fallout with the other dreamies?” 

Chenle nodded again, eyes shifting down the minute Mark tried to make eye contact. 

“Okay, that’s fine,” Mark announced, almost as if he was trying to assure himself of something. Chenle risked a glance up, quickly looking back down when he saw the carefully constructed blank look laid over Mark’s feature. 

“I have a question,” the older began, making Chenle flinch. He could already guess where this was going. “And you can, like, totally blow me off and ignore it; you definitely don’t have to answer.” 

Chenle’s heart was thumping a little too loudly right now. Maybe Mark could hear it? He just knew what the question was going to be because this was Mark Lee, and Mark Lee was predictable. And the last thing he wanted to do right now was to admit he had a crush on Donghyuck. Friendships? Typically gone the minute your bff crushes on your not-so-secret love interest. 

“Do you like Donghyuck?” 

The look on Chenle’s face apparently said it all. Wordlessly, Mark nodded, looking like a kicked puppy, before picking up his headphones and walking out of the recording studio. 

“See you at the dorm,” he mumbled, before quietly closing the door. 

There goes my last friend. 

Chenle slumped down against the wall, slamming his head back into the grey drywall. That had been relatively dramatic and relatively pointless anyway because, clearly, Donghyuck’s heart belonged to Mark. There wasn’t any room for Chenle. There was never any room for Chenle. 

March, 2016

“Okay, listen up, asshole,” Donghyuck announced, barging into Chenle’s room and waking him up. “We’re going to have a conversation.” 

Chenle rolled over and groaned, trying to convey to Donghyuck that there was no way in hell they were talking while it was still dark outside. Or talking at all, for that matter. That would work too. 

“Chenle,” Donghyuck demanded, shaking the younger boy’s shoulder. “Get your lazy ass up.” 

Chenle ignored him, pulling the blankets up over his head pointedly. 

“Chenle,” Donghyuck said again, this time more insistently, pulling the covers off of the younger, “I’m not afraid to go get a pot and start banging on it. I’m sure Sicheng and Kun will understand.”

Groaning louder, Chenle flipped over and shot the older an unimpressed, unamused look. “You forgot someone.” 

“Renjun’s outside.” 

“Aw shit.” 

“Yeah, that’s right,” Donghyuck chortled, whacking Chenle with a pillow, cackling at the younger’s annoyed look. “Be terrified.” Donghyuck sent Chenle an evil grin, before hauling him out of bed. 

Within seconds, Chenle found himself in front of what was arguably the scariest sight he’d seen in his entire life. 

Huang Renjun, Lee Jeno, Na Jaemin, and Park Jisung, all standing with their arms crossed, frowns decorating each of their faces, completed with highly unamused glares. All directed at him, Zhong Chenle. Yay?

To Chenle’s chagrin, the dreamies were incapable of doing anything serious in a timely manner (really, he grew up with them, so he should’ve expected it, but still). Jaemin insisted on making hot cocoa for everyone, something he’d discovered after being forced to drink it in lieu of his ridiculous caffeine addiction, dragging unwilling and protesting Jisung with him, while Donghyuck bounced on the couch, hugging a plushie. Jeno and Renjun, on the other hand, were alternating between sending him disapproving looks and tossing Jaemin ingredients from the pantry. Well, Jeno was sending him mildly disapproving looks. Renjun just looked hurt, his wounded expression doing funny things to Chenle’s heart. Funny things like smashing it to pieces, repeatedly, but it’s fine , Chenle told himself. I deserve it anyway.  

Once Jaemin had deemed the amount of snacks necessary suitable for his needs, the dreamies sat down inside their old pillowfort, still intact after all these months (despite Taeyong’s protests about how messy it looked).        

Chenle remained standing outside, guilt weighing heavy on his heart, battling with the hurt. On the one hand, he felt totally betrayed by his friends because they didn’t even say anything when they were chosen. This conversation was something he definitely didn’t want to have. On the other hand...Chenle’s behavior wasn’t justified either. 

Debuting...every trainee’s dream. The entire goal of being a trainee was to become an idol in the shortest time possible and be as successful as possible.

 The dreamies had accomplished that, and Chenle couldn’t fault them for it. Whether or not they debuted with him, Chenle should’ve been happy for them. So what if they had forgotten about him for a few days, even a week, drunk on their success? Anyone would have done the same. 

Chenle knew he was going to support his loves. He knew that now. No more running from his failure and projecting it onto them. He steeled his shoulders, staring down the flap of the fort that hid the five most precious people in the world from him. 

It was time to move on. Chenle could be happy as long as they were. Forever and always. 

Wetness began to pool in Chenle’s eyes, his fingers flicking up instantly to brush them away. Hot shame coiled in his belly, as all the months of hiding and sharp words sunk in. Chenle had yelled at Renjun...ignored Jen and Nana, avoided Hyuck. Wait...had he broken up with Jisung?! Oh my god, have I broken up with Jisung ?!

A hand poked out of the fort, disrupting his rising panic, waving around near Chenle’s midsection. He thought, absentmindedly, how sad it was that he knew it was Jisung’s. The long fingers, calloused palms, adorably knobby knuckles.  The younger boy managed to tickle the blond’s stomach with a few fingers before Chenle batted it away, chuckling ever so softly, a stray tear spilling down his cheek.

He watched the younger’s silhouette uncross its legs, pull its lanky frame up off the ground, before standing just behind the fort’s entrance, right in front of Chenle. 

Jisung’s fingers poked back out of the tent, palm facing upwards, fingers wiggling in what was clearly supposed to be an inviting way. 

But before Chenle could take the hand, it disappeared suddenly, making Chenle frown, another tear tracing its way down his cheekbone as he wrapped his arms around himself, grasping his shoulders tightly. Jisung’s lanky silhouette was pushed away from the entrance to the fort by a smaller frame, which was quickly getting bigger. 

Before Chenle could process the loss, strong, thin arms wrapped around his body, and a head was burying itself under his crossed arms and nestling against his collarbone. 

Startled, he flinched away, arms uncrossing, before Chenle recognized the adorably ruffled tufts of dark red hair tickling his nose. 

Smiling wide enough to dislodge a few more tears, the younger wrapped his arms around Renjun’s tiny frame, tucking the older closer to him. 

“I’m sorry.” Chenle’s voice cracked more than he wanted it to, and his mandarin was pathetically rusty from months of disuse, but Renjun looked up at him, staring straight through his eyes and into his soul, tears brimming in the older’s eyes, and Chenle didn’t regret the statement at all. It had been a long time coming. 

“I know.” Chenle brushed the tears that spilled out of Renjun’s eyes away, choking on his own as his crimes were washed away by those few words. 

“I love you.” Dark, molten eyes stared into Chenle’s as the words left his lips, hanging in the too-quiet dorm. 

Huang Renjun, the first friend he’d ever made in a strange new country. His fellow foreigner with the sharpest tongue in all of China, the friend who’s friendship blossomed into something more. 

 Heat spread across the younger’s cheeks as the fear of rejection seeped in, the longer his confession remained unanswered. 

“I know .”  

And sweet, soft lips were pressing lightly against Chenle’s own, tasting of apologies and new beginnings and young love, all at once. 

So Chenle kissed back. 

Once Chenle and Renjun could bear to part from each other’s lips, the latter led the younger into the fort, clasping his wrist gently as he tugged the blond inside. 

Chenle’s eyes landed on Jisung first, The youngest looking dazed and sleepy as he petted Donghyuck’s hair absentmindedly, fingers twisting gently through the dark brown locks. 

When his eyes alighted on Chenle, however, the youngest dreamie instantly looked awake again, eyes wide and amazed as he took in the swollen lips and mussed hair on both Chenle and Renjun. 

Wordlessly, the blond plopped down next to his boyfriend, still rocking his dark black hair, and held his hand out, palm up, placing it on Jisung’s knee, as he dropped his head onto the younger’s shoulder and closed his eyes. Somewhere in the fort, Renjun was shuffling around and whispering with Jeno. 

Jisung’s fingers closed around Chenle’s own, warm and rough in the best of ways, intertwining seamlessly together. His boyfriend’s thumb caressed over the back of Chenle’s palm, stroking over his knuckles gently and fondly, the apology hanging clearly before him in the air. 

“Do you hate me?” Chenle mumbled, dropping a kiss on Jisung’s clothed shoulder.

“I could never hate you,” Jisung replied instantly, gripping Chenle’s chin gently and tilting it up enough to grant him access to the older’s lips, which he kissed. 

“I don’t deserve you,” Chenle hummed into the kiss, basking in the sensation of Jisung’s lips on his, still familiar, even after so long. 

“You don’t,” Jisung agreed amicably, laughing when Chenle pinched his shoulder and pouted. 

“Brat.” 

“You love me!” Jisung chortled happily, nose scrunching up cutely he grinned cheekily at his boyfriend. 

“Unfortunately.” 

A loud grunt interrupted what was surely about to become a fully-fledged bickering session, bringing both boys’ attention to the three boys across from them in the fort. 

Chenle noticed that Renjun had settled down next to Jeno, curled around the younger boy’s torso, remarkably already asleep, while Jaemin was sprawled out next to them, fast asleep, tongue poking out from between his lips. 

Jeno, despite looking perfectly content to be surrounded by his boyfriends, was holding two mugs of hot cocoa in one hand, balancing the other on Renjun’s head, a wrapped pepero package between his lips, and a depressingly high amount of little, mini marshmallows (Mark had brought them from Canada as a present for Donghyuck’s everlasting sweet tooth) in his hair. 

“Hwep plis?” Jeno managed to mumble, before one of the mugs started slipping dangerously far to the left. 

Chenle rushed over to help the other boy as Jisung burst out laughing, taking the mugs from him before they could spill, setting them on the hardwood further away from where they were sitting in the fort, then went back to take the pepero out of his mouth, tossing them at Jisung, who tore the package open, judging from the sounds behind him. 

Once Jeno’s immediate problem had been solved, Chenle found himself studying the older boy nervously, waiting for him to yell at him or at least comment on the fact that he’d kissed (made out with, really) Jeno’s boyfriend right outside the fort containing Jeno himself. 

Seemingly predicting Chenle’s current train of thought, Jeno smiled sweetly up at him, eyes curving into those freaking adorable crescents. 

“I’m not mad, Lele,” Jeno reassured him. “Not about you ignoring us, nor you kissing Renjun. All I wanted was for you two to be happy again.” Jeno’s eyes shifted down to look at Renjun’s peaceful face, before looking back up and attaching to Chenle’s once more. “I think there’s some conversations we need to have though,” Jeno continued, making Chenle wince as dozens of scenarios started running through his head of all the things that could go terribly wrong. 

Jeno, to his credit however, just giggled, guessing Chenle’s thoughts perfectly, yet again. “They’re not bad!” He rushed to correct, shaking his head to emphasize his point. “Jaemin, Renjun, and I just need to talk to you and Jisung about some things regarding our relationship and the role you two might play in it.” 

Chenle’s brain short circuited. The role you two might play in it. Jisung and me. Jaemin, Renjun, and Jeno’s relationship. Jisung and me! 

“What?” He breathed out, staring at Jeno with wide eyes. “What did you just say?” 

Jeno instantly looked panicked. “Oh my god, did I say something wrong?” The older fretted. “Did I misinterpret something? I just thought—you and Renjun—and I figured Jisung—“ Jeno looked increasingly more distressed as he stammered out more phrases, making Chenle panic as well. 

“No no no no no!” Chenle rushed over to give Jeno a hug, careful not to wake Jaemin and Renjun. “You didn’t misinterpret anything!” He shot a look over his shoulder to make sure Jisung was paying attention and that this was fine with him, and his boyfriend sent him an encouraging smile with a thumbs up. 

“Jisung and I want to date you, too! All of you!” Chenle paused for a second, doubt breaking through for a moment. “Wait, that is what you meant, right?” 

Jeno chuckled, wrapping an arm around Chenle’s shoulders to hug him back. “Yeah, that’s what I meant.” 

Chenle’s heart instantly expanded to three times the size it was before, as he cuddled up to Jeno and sent Jisung a triumphant grin. The younger looked shell-shocked, mouth hanging open ever so slightly, eyes round and wide. 

“Injoon and Nana want to date us too?” Jisung croaked, once the younger had regained some of his wits. “And you too, Jeno?” 

“Yes, that’s right,” Jeno affirmed, humming softly and playing with the hair at the nape of Chenle’s neck. If he could pur, Chenle would be right now. 

“Am I dreaming?” Jisung stammered, looking wildly around, before staring at Hyuck’s head resting on his thighs. “I have to be dreaming…” 

“Unless we’re having the same dream, you’re not dreaming, Sungie,” Chenle said quietly, smiling at his boyfriend. “Our wishes are coming true.” 

Jeno looked between the two of them in mock suspicion. “I feel like there’s a lot more to talk about than I originally planned.” 

“Oh yes,” Chenle laughed, hesitating for a second before bravely pressing a kiss to Jeno’s cheek. 

From the scarlet blush traveling over the older’s face and dusting the tips of his ears, Chenle had done the right thing. 

The pair just stared at each other shyly, silent words being exchanged. Chenle just couldn’t believe this beautiful boy in front of him liked him back, let alone Renjun and Jaemin both, as well. And that they had made up (mostly) already. 

“Finally!” Donghyuck’s voice cut through the moment, whining and high-pitched. “I was wondering when you’d all get your poly shit together!” 

Chenle turned to stare at the other boy incredulously, who leveled him with an equally unimpressed look. 

“Have you been pretending to sleep this entire time?” Jisung demanded, staring down at Donghyuck like the older had personally offended him by not sleeping. 

“Maybe,” The vocalist sing-songed, rolling over on Jisung’s lap, making the younger yelp as his head hit a nerve, to stare at Jeno and Chenle properly. “Why don’t you ask Jaemin how long he’s been pretending?” 

Chenle whipped his head around to stare at the boy sprawled out on the floor next to him, chocolate brown eyes now open and alert, a self-assured smirk painted across his lips. 

“Hi, love,” Jaemin drawled, winking at him. Instantly, Chenle’s cheeks flamed bright red. 

“I hate all of you,” Chenle breathed out, completely mortified. “You were supposed to be sleeping!” 

“Supposed to be, being the key word.” Jaemin stretched out lazily on the floor, shirt riding up his toned stomach, and judging by the look on his face, he knew Chenle’s eyes were tracking the movement. “I think I did a good job.” 

“The tongue was a nice touch,” Donghyuck agreed, exchanging wicked smirks with Jaemin from across the fort. 

“God, I hate all of you.” Chenle pouted at the dreamies, crossing his arms. Jeno cooed and pinched his cheek, which was totally UNHELPFUL (but Chenle loved it anyway). 

“Fascinating,” Jaemin teased, sitting up next to him in one smooth motion, tangling a hand in Chenle’s hair teasingly. “That’s not what you were saying earlier.” 

Before Chenle could come up with a proper rebuttal and retort, Jaemin was kissing him, and holy shit was it good. A calculated nip to his lower lip had Chenle groaning softly into Jaemin’s mouth, before the other boy pulled away. 

Judging by the scandalized, ruffled look on Jisung’s face, Chenle must have looked positively debauched. 

“Hot,” Donghyuck mumbled, before blushing and slapping a hand over his mouth in mortification, making Jeno laugh. 

“Now who wants to join the poly negotiations?” He teased.

Donghyuck huffed, but didn’t deny anything, making Chenle’s eyes widen and his heart expand one last time, fully complete now. 

“Okay, that’s nice, we’ve all established we have feelings for each other that are far from platonic,” Jaemin announced, standing up and offering a hand down to Chenle to pull him up too. “Can we go to sleep now, then? The floor isn’t that comfortable, and it’s 5:00; Taeyong won’t be up for another thirty minutes at least. 

Jeno just chuckled fondly, tugging Jaemin down for a quick kiss, before gently disentangling himself from his other boyfriend. Jaemin and Chenle helped him scoop Renjun up into his arms, taking care not to wake him. 

Renjun now secure, Chenle walked over to his own boyfriend, pulling him up off the floor, deliberately ignoring Donghyuck’s plead for help off the floor too. 

“That’s rude,” Donghyuck whined, but stood up on his own anyway, immediately attaching himself to Jaemin’s back, the latter just indulging the other boy. 

“Ready for bed?” Jisung murmured in his ear, breath hot and tickling, doing funny things to Chenle’s stomach. 

“Yeah.” Chenle was proud of the fact that his voice didn’t waver at all. 

“Let’s go, then.” 

Chenle gave Jeno a one-armed side hug before they left, placed a kiss on Renjun’s forehead, and pecked Donghyuck’s cheek before turning to Jaemin. Before he could give the older a hug, Jaemin pulled him into a passionate kiss, leaving Chenle gasping for breath.

  By god, Na Jaemin is going to be the end of me , Chenle thought before he was whisked off by Jisung to his own room. 

Once the couple was tucked securely into Chenle’s bed, Jisung as the big spoon, Chenle allowed himself to relax for the first time in months. 

He was loved, he was forgiven, and it was going to be okay. 

April 2016 

The sixth of April, the day NCT U was to debut with The 7th Sense, Chenle and the dreamies set up their pillow fort again (with poles bought by Jeno, this time), a couple weeks after Taeyong forced them to take it down after threatening to refuse to feed them. Really, it was a miracle Yuta hadn’t threatened to kill them either for screwing up Sicheng and his precious fairy lights. But Chenle digressed. At least they’d let them keep it up for over a year, despite major protests from the managers. 

As it was, they were setting up the fort for Mark, as soon as the older’s MV dropped, to celebrate the release. Technically, they weren’t supposed to watch the videos before the official reaction video, but as it was, Chenle and Renjun didn’t exist anyway, so that was already a third of the group. Long story short...the dreamies were breaking the rules. Again. 

“Oh my god!” Jisung shrieked, jumping up and hopping around, making Chenle grin. “Is that a cockroach?!” The younger latched onto Jeno, who had just walked into the fort carrying a tray of drinks, making the older wobble precariously, nearly spilling the sodas all over Donghyuck and Jaemin, who were curled up together in the corner. 

“Are those in martini glasses?” Renjun asked incredulously, looking up from his sketchpad, totally ignoring the paranoid Jisung standing next to Jeno. He was perched on top a gigantic mound of blankets and fluffy pillows. Lately, he’d been working on a drawing that no one was allowed to see. “Where did you even get them?” 

“I thought it would be cooler.” Jeno pouted at his boyfriend, gently disentangling himself from Jisung in order to set the tray down on the coffee table that was totally not stolen from Ten’s room…

“Dork.” Renjun patted Jeno’s cheek affectionately, before going right back to his sketchbook, totally dismissing him. 

“Can anyone see the cockroach? Did it disappear? Oh my god, is it under the blankets?” Jisung whispered, still refusing to let go of Jeno’s waist. “It’s going to kill me, oh my god.” 

Chenle suppressed a cackle, leaning back into the pillows before adjusting the blanket around his hips. Once properly concealed, he turned the remote back on, carefully toggling it a little to the left. Instantly, the “cockroach” shot out from under Renjun’s pillow mound and towards Jisung. 

The younger let out an inhuman screech, jumping around even more violently this time which caused him to trip, dragging Jeno down to the floor with him. 

“Yah!” Jeno yelped, as his head collided with Jaemin’s shin. “Jisung!” 

Jisung paid him no mind. “Oh my god, it’s right there, what the fuck, why is it following me?” He whimpered, eyes trained on the bug. 

Chenle really did try to control himself. He even told himself that it was too mean. 

But he was a teenager. 

So he did it. 

Jisung wailed pitifully when the cockroach crawled up his foot, thrashing and flailing around, kicking Donghyuck in the process, who sent him the most baleful grin to ever grace the earth. 

Chenle tried to suppress a smile, he really did, but he just couldn’t help it. It spread across his face, and he brought his hand up to mask it, but it was the one with the remote. Too late, he realized what he had done, but someone had already seen it. 

Renjun looked up at the right time and caught him with it, shooting him an amused look, before saying, without any fanfare, “The bug is fake. Lele’s got a remote.” 

Instantly, all eyes were on Chenle. Jisung shot him a wounded look, pouting, as he gingerly picked the robotic cockroach up off his foot. 

“Really, Lele?” 

“Sorry?” Chenle shrugged sheepishly. 

“I hate you,” Jisung huffed, uncurling from Jeno and stealing a blanket from Renjun. “No cuddles or kisses for a week.” 

Chenle shot him an incredulous look. Cuddles were vital to Chenle’s existence! “You’d do that to me over a robotic cockroach?” 

“Well it’s not like you’re the only one for me to cuddle and kiss, so,” Jisung quipped, leaning over and kissing Jeno’s cheek as if to prove his point. 

“It was just a prank,” Chenle sulked, crossing his arms and pouting back. “I didn’t mean to scare you too much.” 

“‘Too much’,” Donghyuck parroted mockingly, which was absolutely helping the situation. 

Chenle glared at him pointedly, making him chuckle. 

“Shutting up now,” Donghyuck agreed, winking at Chenle. “I’ll stay out of the romantically charged bickering of my boyfriends.” Jaemin flicked him reproachingly, so at least one of his boyfriends was on Chenle’s side, but still! No cuddles?!

“Ugh.” Chenle threw his hands up in the air. “It was a prank!” He repeated, looking hopelessly at Jisung. “What can I do to get my cuddles back?” He whined. 

“Do everything I say for a month and a half.” 

“No!”

“Then no cuddles.” Chenle took one look at the determination on Jisung’s face and relented, cursing himself. All he wanted was to have fun, not upset Jisung to the point of cuddle withdrawal. 

“Fine!” Chenle agreed, rolling his eyes. 

“Whipped,” Donghyuck cackled. 

“As!” Jeno added. 

“Fuck!” Renjun and Jaemin yelled at the same time, before bursting into laughter. 

“Um…” A confused voice questioned from the doorway. Chenle turned to look over his shoulder, eyes landing on a dark haired boy in a ridiculously edgy outfit. 

“Hi Mark! How was debuting?”  Donghyuck was as chipper as ever, but Chenle could still see the underlying ache in his heart, belaying his cheerful tone. 

“Uh,” Mark repeated, studying the collection of boys sprawled out inside the fort, lingering on the Jisung burrito. “It was...good. What is going on in here, exactly?” 

“We were waiting for you to come back so we could watch your comeback,” Jeno explained carefully in English, practicing the words he’d learned, before frowning and pouting cutely. “Come back and comeback,” he repeated, looking oddly put out by his word choice, making Chenle giggle. “Need new word,” Jeno muttered in Korean, kicking his feet adorably. “We were waiting for you to come back... here so...we could...could watch your…”

“Debut? Music video?” Mark supplied, coming fully into the tent and settling down next to Donghyuck and Jaemin. Chenle exchanged a pointed look with Renjun, who had finally put down his sketchbook, before trying to catch Donghyuck’s eye to make sure he was okay. Turns out, it was futile anyway, because Donghyuck already looked like a deer caught in the headlights, shuffling away from Mark ever so slightly. His eyes were wide and panicked. 

“I think I left the uh popcorn in the kitchen!” Chenle burst out, jumping to his feet. “Yeah, that’s it, the popcorn. Come help me, Hyuck!” 

Donghyuck started at him bewilderedly. “Do we even have-”

“We do!” Chenle insisted, walking over and pulling the other boy up off the floor, making Jaemin whine at the loss of his cuddle buddy. “We have popcorn and you’re going to help me get it.” He leveled him a pointed look, Donghyuck’s eyes widening when he finally realized what was going on. Chenle felt Jisung’s foot nudge his own in support, making him smile faintly. 

“Right...popcorn,” Hyuck agreed, allowing Chenle to tug him out of the fort, towards the kitchen. 

“Don’t be so sad, hyung,” Chenle murmured, once they were out of earshot, and pulled Donghyuck into a tight hug, wrapping his arms around the other boy’s waist. 

“I know! I was just—“ Donghyuck stopped and huffed in frustration, shoving a hand through his hair before settling his arms around Chenle’s shoulders. “I’m trying,” He finished weakly, resting his head on top of Chenle’s fluffy curls. 

“I know it’s hard.” Chenle nuzzled his cheek against the older’s chest. “Try though? You deserve to be completely happy.” 

“I’ll try more, I promise.” Chenle felt soft, plush lips against his temple, and hugged his boyfriend tighter. 

“Love you,” Chenle whispered, leaning up to press a kiss to the older’s cheek, before pulling away to actually make the popcorn they were expected to make. 

“You too,” Donghyuck hummed, settling back against the countertop, content to watch his boyfriend make the food. 

“Not planning on helping me?” Chenle chuckled, watching the popcorn turn in their microwave. 

“Nope! Why would I help when I could admire my cute boyfriend as he does it instead?” 

“I see you’re feeling better,” Chenle griped, but it lacked the heat. Compliments were always nice, especially from his boyfriends, and they meant that Donghyuck was pulling himself out of it. 

The popcorn finished popping right when Jaemin yelled from the living room about how they needed to come see how shitty Mark looked. 

“Coming!” Chenle yelled back, scooping up the popcorn bowl with sweater paws, and laughing when Donghyuck cringed. 

“Yah! Do you have to be so loud?” 

“Yes, yes I do.” Chenle linked their arms and dragged him back into the fort. 

After they’d finished teasing Mark endlessly for the 7th Sense, the dreamies plus Chenle just laid in their fort, cuddled up in a massive pile. Not that Chenle was complaining. It was quite nice to be surrounded by his boyfriends so snuggly. He still couldn’t believe he could call them his. 

Had it really been a month since he had regained his friends after the major misunderstanding? Had it really been a month since they figured it out and became boyfriends? 

Sighing contently, Chenle cuddled closer into Jisung’s warmth, the younger boy trapped below him, with Donghyuck tucked into the youngest’s right side. Renjun’s legs were hooked over Jaemin’s hips, the latter of which’s legs were thrown over Chenle’s own. Finally, Mark was squished between Jeno and Donghyuck, looking mildly uncomfortable.

The oldest boy caught him looking and turned to face Chenle, squirming under Jeno’s hold, unwittingly placing him closer to Donghyuck. If the latter noticed though, he didn’t react. 

“Oh, Lele,” Mark started, “I was supposed to tell you something!” 

Chenle studied him warily. With Mark, ‘tell you something’ could be anything from weird to serious. “Okay?” 

“Lee Soo Man-nim wants to talk to you tomorrow at 10 am.” 

Chenle walked through the SM building with a pounding heart. Meeting your boss is always terrifying, but meeting your boss when you’re the lacking trainee in your group of friends? What if he was about to be kicked out? Would he even get to say goodbye? 

A year with the dreamies filtered through his head, their forts, late nights discussing their dreams, his first kiss with Jisung, his first kiss with Renjun, Jeno, Jaemin, Donghyuck. A year with the kindest, sweetest, most caring hyungs and geges he’d ever meet in his sixteen years of life. A found family, with found loves, friends he’d keep in touch with for as long as possible. 

His dream, dangling by threads in front of his eyes as Chenle walked though the halls of SM Entertainment, ratty sneakers squeaking against the pristine floors, each footstep sounding like nails being hammered into a coffin. His passion for singing, for performing, rested in one man’s hands. 

Chenle arrived outside Lee Soo Man’s office, five minutes before 10 o’clock. As if in a trance, his hand raised, poised to knock on the door, before it dropped back down to his side, head thumping softly against the door. 

Oh my god, I can’t do this. Chenle’s heart was going so fast, it was sure to be skipping beats. 

Before he’d left that morning, Jaemin had cooked him breakfast, while Jeno massaged his shoulders out. Both his boyfriends had been calm and supportive quietly. Renjun and Donghyuck had hyped him up all night before they’d finally crashed, wanting to make sure Chenle looked decent the next morning and not sleep deprived. 

 Jisung, on the other hand, had cuddled him all night and whined when he left, but had dragged himself out of bed a couple minutes before Chenle was ready to leave. 

“Chin up, smile on, blow him away,” Jisung had told him, pressing a kiss to his lips and pulling him close. 

“It’ll all be fine,” Jeno added, eye smiling at Chenle. “I’m sure it’s nothing bad. You’re an excellent trainee!” 

“I agree with everything they said, now go be fabulous!” Jaemin announced cheerfully, sprinkling glitter in Chenle’s hair “for luck” and shoving him out the door. 

Chenle’s fingertips traced over the grains of the wood, the glossy finish cool against his forehead. I can do this , he thought, breathing out a little sigh. I can totally do this. His fingers lingered on the curved door handle, about to pull it down, when the door flew open, causing Chenle to startle and bump into the person leaving. 

A female trainee that Chenle had seen around was standing in front of him, tears streaming down her face, looking just as startled as he was. 

She apologized hastily, bowing, before running out the door behind him. Now even more freaked out, Chenle slowly stepped into the office, hands twisting together nervously. 

“Zhang Chenlei,” Lee Soo Man drawled, inspecting the teenager in front of him. 

The owner of SM Entertainment was dressed in a clean-cut black suit with a red tie, hair slicked back and parted neatly to the side. His impeccable attire did nothing to lighten the heavy atmosphere in the room, and Chenle felt like a child in comparison, clad in his favorite hoodie and washed-out black jeans with glitter all through his hair

A female secretary was standing in the corner, eyes averted, refusing to look at Chenle. He couldn’t say he blamed her. It must be hard to watch people cry so often in this office. No point in starting a meaningful conversation if you knew what was going to happen next. 

A soft cough pulled Chenle’s attention back to the subject at hand, making him flush with embarrassment. 

Chenle dropped into a hasty bow, cheeks flaming red, still mildly irked by how terribly the CEO pronounced his name but ultimately not correcting him. It would do him no good to contradict anything this man said. 

“Come closer,” Soo Man demanded, and Chenle shuffled a few centimeters closer. From here, he could smell the thick cologne on the CEO, heady and suffocatingly strong. 

“Better,” Soo Man said, dragging his eyes up and down Chenle’s frame. The teenager wanted to squirm uncomfortably, but held it in, lacing his fingers into the sides of his pants. Why am I here? 

“Enough chitchat,” Soo Man announced, huffing as if Chenle completely offended him, despite having not said a single word yet. “I called you here for business.” 

Unsure if he should answer or stay quiet, Chenle went with the latter, trying to look between Soo Man’s impassive, cold black eyes to give the impression he was looking into them. Upon closer inspection, the man had a unibrow, which would be kind of funny if it weren’t for his eyes. It was kind of hard to ignore the cold and hardened look in them, after all. 

“Let me make this clear, you are being given a second chance. Don’t blow it.” He leveled Chenle an absolutely terrifying look. This time Chenle actually shrunk back a little, nodding furiously, despite still being confused. A second chance for what? 

“You trained for two months,” Soo Man continued. “You’re a foreign member, and your Korean isn’t too good.” He shuffled a stack of folders in front of him, allowing Chenle to glimpse a paper with his name on it, before it was moved to the bottom of the stack. 

“You’re the closest with Park Jisung,” Soo Man continued. “Your position is main vocalist, second youngest.”

Chenle stared at the CEO in shock. Was he saying what he thought he was saying? Was it rude to—“Excuse me, Lee Soo Man-nim, I don’t understand.” Whoops.  

Several beats of silence followed Chenle’s admission, causing the boy to panic even more . His eyes darted over to the secretary, who was grimacing in the corner. Oh my god, I really screwed up. She’s frowning, why is she frowning? Now I’ll really be kicked out. 

After a few more seconds of prolonged, tension-filled silence, Soo Man said, “You’re debuting in NCT Dream. I changed my mind.” He gave Chenle two seconds to process the life-changing statement, before announcing, “You’re dismissed,” and turning away. 

The secretary lead a shell-shocked Chenle out of the office and down the hallway towards the elevator he had come up on. 

“Congratulations,” she murmured, patting his shoulder sympathetically, before pushing the down button and walking away. 

As soon as he was inside the elevator, safe from prying eyes, Chenle broke down, falling to his knees. Was this really happening? Had he heard correctly? Were his wishes answered? 

Debuting meant more days with his boyfriends. Debuting meant nights together at the dorm, laughing with the hyungs, cuddling with his friends. Debuting meant the start of his dream, the start of the life of an idol. 

  I’m debuting in NCT Dream , he thought, trying out the words in his head. I’m a dreamie now.

“I’m debuting in NCT Dream. I’m a dreamie now.” The words didn’t sound right out loud either. It felt as though he was surrounded by static buzzing, clouding his ears and mind. 

The elevator arrived on the bottom floor, as Chenle’s feet lead him towards the dorm, unconsciously, the building blurring and shifting as tears collected in his eyes. 

I’m debuting in NCT Dream. 

Chenle’s eyes were aching from unshed tears, the pounding drums in his head intensifying, even as he knocked on the dorm’s door, which flew open instantly. 

Jaemin stood panting in the doorway, as if he’d run the second he heard the knock. 

“Oh my god, Chenle, we were so worried!” He sobbed, tugging Chenle into a hug. “Jeno heard they were getting rid of a bunch of trainees today, and Hyuck went around asking about it, and a bunch of the female trainees are already gone, with five other boys. They kicked Hansol-hyung, we thought-” Jaemin stopped himself all of a sudden, pushing Chenle far away enough to be able to see his face, still holding onto his shoulders. 

Chenle watched him take in the disheveled hair, watery eyes, and shocked expression, and Jaemin stopped in his tracks, face falling, eyes widening.

“No,” he breathed out, staring at Chenle with a panicked look on his face. “No, no this can’t be happening.”  

Before Chenle could form the words to assure Jaemin that it was okay, Jeno and Renjun raced into the room, Jisung hot on their heels. 

“Jaemin, is that-” Renjun was cut off by Jisung who shoved past the older to hug Chenle and Jaemin both. 

“Lele!” Jisung sobbed, smushing the older into his chest. “Tell me it’s okay, please,” He begged, only letting go when Jeno gently pried him off Jaemin and Chenle. 

“You gotta let Chenle talk, Sungie,” Jeno gently admonished. “He can’t talk if you suffocate him to death.” He wrapped his arms around Jisung in a back-hug, hooking his head over the younger’s shoulder to stare at Chenle patiently. 

Renjun came over to hold Chenle’s hand, which the latter thought was really sweet, and he was about to explain that, no, Jaemin had understood wrong and that he really was fine, better than fine, really, and that he was joining NCT Dream as well, but he was interrupted yet again by the dorm’s door swinging open behind them. 

“Is Chenle back?” Donghyuck screeched, not even bothering to look around, before he noticed the big gathering in the entrance and did a double take. “Oh, hi. I guess he is, then.” 

“Is everything okay?” Mark asked, popping up behind Donghyuck. “I’m so sorry I didn’t say anything about the trainee purge, Chenle, I didn’t even know.”  

“Yeah, I agree with everything Canada said. Do I need to go give Lee Soo Man a piece of my mind? I’m not afraid of him!” Donghyuck cracked his knuckles, looking quite formidable, and it was enough to break Chenle out of his suspended disbelief, a small smile spreading over his lips as the pounding in his head faded away. 

Soon enough, he was laughing hysterically as his new reality set in, tears of joy starting to stream down his cheeks. I’m debuting in NCT Dream. 

“Um...is he going into shock?” Jaemin asked, staring up at Chenle worriedly from his position on the floor. 

“I’m not sure,” Renjun worried, moving to stand in front of Chenle. The other Chinese gripped Chenle’s chin, tilting his head side of side, trying to see if he was okay. 

Chenle just beamed harder and continued cackling. 

“That’s it, I’m going to go kill Soo Man.” Donghyuck made to reach for the doorknob, but Mark grabbed his shirt and pulled him back to his side. 

“Don’t do that,” Mark suggested, looping an arm around Hyuck’s neck to keep him in place. “Why don’t we see what Chenle has to say, first?” 

“I’m-sorry,” Chenle gasped out, once his maniacal laughter had subsided. “I just, I couldn’t believe, and with you guys,” he stammered, wiping stray tears out of his eyes. All his boyfriends, plus Mark, eyed him warily, clearly trying to gauge if he was okay or if they needed a psychiatrist and restraints. 

“I’m okay,” Chenle promised, once he had it all together. He squeezed Renjun’s fingers tighter, eyes roaming over all the dreamies.  “Lee Soo Man-nim isn’t getting rid of me.” A symphony of relieved sighs followed his statement. 

“I feel dumb now,” Jaemin remarked, looking rueful on the floor. “I really thought you had to leave us.” Jeno just leaned over to ruffle his hair affectionately. 

“It was a reasonable conclusion,” he soothed. 

“I’m glad you’re staying,” Mark confided. “It wouldn’t be the same without you.” 

“Thanks, hyung,” Chenle mumbled, suddenly bashful under all the attention. 

“I would’ve fought for you,” Jisung blurted out, blushing when Chenle cooed. “You’re an amazing vocalist, and I’d never let my boyfriend slash best friend go without a fight.” 

“I was totally ready to throw hands, too,” Donghyuck agreed, nodding seriously. 

“Wait,” Renjun interjected, making Chenle look over at him quizzically. “I’m glad everything’s okay, but if you’re fine, why were you crying?” 

“Oh!” Chenle felt like such an idiot all of a sudden. How had he left out the most important part? 

“Oh?” Jeno prompted, looking expectantly at Chenle, making him blush. 

“Right, I forgot, I’m sorry.” A wide grin spread across his face. I’m a dreamie now. 

“For fuck’s sake, just tell us already!” Donghyuck shrieked, throwing his hands up in the air. “Quit it with this stalling bullshit, honestly!” That made everyone chuckle. 

Chenle was just so happy. He was going to debut in a few months time, right next to his best friends in the entire world. He was becoming an idol, after just over a year of hard work. Many people had to wait even longer. 

“I’m debuting in NCT Dream,” Chenle burst out, laughing. “I’m a dreamie!” Finally, the words sounded right. 

25 August, 2016

NCT Dream debuted with their first single, Chewing Gum, on the MNET comeback show, the last unit of Neo Culture Technology to be released that year. Zhong Chenle, age 17, was the 14th member of the group and the last to join. 

And he was the one smiling the brightest as they rode out on their hover boards.