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Even In The Grave, All Is Not Lost

Chapter 11: War and Peace

Notes:

I'm doing my best to integrate 4.10 Luna into the rest of her character, because I don't think it's entirely realistic for someone to change so drastically that quickly. It makes more sense to me that there had to exist elements of that beforehand, and that they were hidden and suppressed. So there will be moments where you see that darkness come out, if only briefly.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

She didn't understand Luna.

Thought she did but. . .

Well, the Grounder had quite steadily trampled over all her previous assumptions.

From everything Raven had been told, she'd expected someone either incredibly dangerous, or peacefully benign. But neither of those monikers fit the woman she was coming to know. They described aspects of her, sure, but they didn't capture her.

Luna was. . .

She didn't know what she was.

Only that Raven hadn't been prepared for her, not by any stretching definition.

One minute Luna was spouting off about how everyone didn't deserve to survive the coming storm and the next she was throwing all her weight behind comforting Raven - and Murphy, of all people. Helping them. Without being demanded or even asked to.

It was disorienting.

Though, perhaps it shouldn't have been.

Raven could remember how she'd felt in the wake of Finn's death. How, in the midst of red hot rage and despair, a part of her had craved to see the world burn.

It didn't deserve to exist.

Not without him.

Not after what it had done to him.

What they'd done.

(Raven included)

Humanity hadn't had very much to recommend it in that moment, and even less so when she'd felt the burn of a blade, searing through her flesh.

She'd been so angry. And disillusioned.

Still was.

Only now that was muffled under the return of rationality and other feelings.

She couldn't blame Luna for her own anger, as repressed as it was.

She'd lost everything.

And the world still wanted more from her.

They wanted more from her.

It wasn't fair.

But nothing about this was.

So, she could understand that.

Could understand Luna's anger. It was probably the most relatable thing about her, at least from Raven's corner.

But her unceasing kindness? That was harder to grasp.

All of Luna's anger and pain were smothered by layers of compassion.

Such a thing was in short supply these days, there was little room for it in a world that demanded the harshest and coldest parts of you. Even on the Ark, there'd been no space for it.

But Luna. . . Luna made space for it. Seemed determined to do so, above all else.

Once, Raven had asked Finn what made him help her in the beginning. When so many others turned away from her situation, he'd reached out a hand and taken hers. Had halved his rations - equally down the middle - and shared them with her without a second thought.

Raven hadn't been able to understand it.

And Finn had been equally unable to understand her lack of understanding.

His brow had furrowed at the question. 'Because you needed help.' It had been all the answer he contained, no matter how unsatisfying it was for Raven at the time. No matter how unsatisfying it remained to her now.

She saw that same simplicity in Luna.

That compulsion to help for no other reason than that it was needed, but unlike Finn it was coupled with a fear that any efforts she made would only bring harm instead.

Raven suspected that there was little in the universe that scared her more than that.

She'd felt the urgency with which Luna had retracted her hands from Raven's, broken all contact - the trepidation in her gaze. It was an odd thing to witness in Luna who possessed an air of unflappable confidence that bordered on irritating.

But in that moment when she'd been teaching Raven to meditate, that confidence had wavered.

She'd looked young, then - perhaps the closest to her real age that she had ever appeared.

But her fear hadn't kept her from accepting Raven's hand again.

From helping.

She thought back to the way Luna had shown her the scars and told her the story about the rabbit, like it was nothing, like Raven deserved to have that information. And no matter what Luna said to the contrary, Raven knew she'd done it to make her feel better. She hadn't needed to tell her that story, had gained nothing from doing so.

But Raven was struggling with what she'd done - as much as she'd tried to push it to the back of her mind, as much as she still believed it had been the right thing, the only logical thing to do - Raven was struggling. And that had been all the reason Luna needed to share her story.

And she couldn't understand it.

Couldn't understand why Luna cared so much.

Was it Raven that she cared about specifically or just people in general? She'd seen her go after Murphy when she'd flipped out, suspected he'd received his own brand of Luna Comfort.

So maybe Raven wasn't special.

Maybe this was just something that Luna did.

Either way, she didn't understand it.

"Something's bothering you." The murmur was soft and thick with sleep.

She startled slightly, looking over to see Luna had woken from her brief slumber, eyes lazily cracked and peering at her inquisitively.

Raven wondered how long she'd been awake for, more specifically how long she'd been staring at her.

Wondered even more why that didn't unnerve her or spark the urge to retaliate.

Instead, it made her pulse pick up in a way that wasn't altogether unpleasant.

Raven pretended she couldn't remember what instances in the past had caused her heart to be similarly unsteady.

What the reason behind it was.

Her thoughts caught up with Luna's question and she resisted the urge to huff in exasperation.

You're bothering me.

But there was no way that wouldn't come off as rude and Raven didn't intend for it to. "How'd you know to do that back there?" Okay, that was not the question she'd meant to ask. Even if it had been swirling around her head all day. "You know, when I," she grimaced, "flipped out and stuff. How'd you know that would help and you just weren't going to get a black eye instead."

It felt a little like pulling teeth. What happened - it wasn't something she wanted to talk about. Not ever.

Mostly because she was embarrassed as shit about it.

But also because it was a moment of such complete vulnerability and the knowledge that a woman Raven barely knew and a boy she hated had been witness to it was enough to make her want to throw up.

But her curiosity won out.

It was a bitch like that.

"I didn't," Luna said simply. "But when I was younger I used to lose control like that."

Raven scoffed. "Right."

She raised an eyebrow. "You don't believe me?"

Raven waved the question away. "You're all calm waters and shit." It was hard to picture Luna doing anything so. . . volatile. Utterly lacking in control.

Dangerous.

"I wasn't always," Luna murmured. "It takes a long time to find what helps you. Sometimes you never do. But my friend, Derrick, he used to hold me like that. When I lost control. He had to. To keep me from hurting anyone. Hurting myself." Raven glanced up from a loose strand on her pants that she'd been picking at.

She didn't like the understanding she saw in Luna's eyes. Like she could see right through all Raven's bullshit to the fucking mess at her center, like it was as plain to her as every other part of Raven. It made her feel like she was on display. Raw and exposed.

She hated it.

Sinclair used to look at her like that sometimes. Only there'd been a distance there. For whilst Sinclair could see through her better than anyone else at the time, he couldn't actually understand what it was she was feeling. Thinking.

He couldn't relate.

No-one could.

She preferred that over the way Luna was looking at her now.

Raven returned her gaze to the thread.

"The words I got you to say, though. The mantra. That's my own creation. I didn't know for certain it would work for you. But I've used it to help others in my clan, especially the children. They struggled the most with controlling their emotions, processing them. A lot of them had seen so much horror, they couldn't. . ."

She risked another glance up when Luna trailed off, somewhat relieved to find her gaze otherwise occupied, focused on the wall to her right.

Raven wasn't sure if she liked being compared to a child but considering Luna had preceded it by saying she'd also been in need of the technique or whatever it was herself, she supposed she could let it slide. Raven didn't think she'd meant anything by it or been looking to insult.

Besides, it would be insensitive as hell to be a dick about it when all those children were now dead.

Everyone in Luna's life was.

That was a sobering thought.

After a moment, she cleared her throat and returned her attention to Raven. "Peace is hard. Just because you've stopped fighting, doesn't mean your heart has. Wars live on in us long after the last sword has been put down." She shrugged. "Perhaps that's why we keep going back to them. It's easier. And it's what we know."

"Maybe." Raven shrugged, leaning back against the wall.

She'd never really thought about it before. Why people did the things they did. Why wars started. She was usually too busy dealing with the fallout. Just trying to survive. To make it through. Save everyone.

People did fucked up things and she was used to it.

"We didn't have wars in space," Raven mused. "Well, I mean. Not since the beginning, way before I was born. After Unification Day it was all peace and smooth sailing. Mostly." If you weren't one of the unlucky ones chosen to be floated for a minor infraction.

Luna's brow furrowed and Raven suspected that she'd said something actually capable of shocking her. "You didn't have any wars?"

She shook her head. "We were too busy trying to survive. It would have been counterproductive."

Luna stared a moment longer. "Here, we have wars for our survival. Or, that's what they all say. I just don't think we know any other way of living at this point. Lexa forming the Coalition was the closest we ever came to peace."

That didn't quite track. "What about your clan?"

"Floukru was a sanctuary. It existed outside the rest of the world, apart from it. Because I knew I'd never be able to create such peace inside it. Not real peace."

The expression of shock still hadn't quite left Luna's features and she wondered what it must be like: to be so familiar with war that you couldn't imagine a world without it.

Something told her she was getting close to finding out.

They all were.

"I think I would have liked space," Luna murmured a moment later, gaze elsewhere.

Raven snorted. "Oh no, you'd have hated it." At Luna's raised brow, "I have a feeling you would not have adapted well to all the rules up there. Steal some food? Death. Have more than one kid? Death. We really didn't know a middle ground when it came to punishment."

Her mouth parted. "You executed people for having more than one child?"

"Well, when you say it like that...yeah no, whatever way you say it it's pretty fucked up." Raven shrugged. "Resources were scarce up there. The fewer mouths to feed, the less people to use up the oxygen, the better. Our survival depended on us not overpopulating."

It was so normal to her that seeing Luna's disbelief was the first time she got a sense of how truly fucked up it was. Like, she knew. She'd always known.

But she'd also accepted it as a part of life.

The way things were.

The way they had to be.

That justification felt hollow to her now. Maybe it had been necessary. Raven didn't know. Couldn't know. But it was still fucked up.

"I'm sorry. That sounds. . ." Luna shook her head, "harsh."

She withheld a snort. "That's one word for it."

Luna still seemed somewhat mystified. "My people encourage reproduction." Her face twisted a moment before the expression fled Raven's scrutiny. "It means more warriors. More people to defend territory. To fight. And protect. And with war and The Mountain a constant threat, our numbers were always depleted. But there's no value placed on life. We're born to fight. And die. Not to live. Our individual worth doesn't exist."

She grimaced. "I guess both our people cared too much about numbers, just at opposite ends of the spectrum."

Luna hummed in agreement. "Survival is a cruel master."

She wasn't wrong. Raven still bore the pain of Mount Weather's own devotion to such a master. "It's human instinct to want to survive. That doesn't necessarily make it bad. If we didn't want to survive, then life would have no value."

Luna shook her head. "I've seen children slaughtered on mass for such an instinct. Families torn apart, ruined. It's the worst one to exist. It has no care for morality. For right or wrong." She looked down. "For love. I think we would all be better off without it."

"Maybe." Raven could see how one could come to that way of thinking, might even stray into it from time to time herself. "Or we'd all be dead."

At the end of the day, that need to survive was the only reason she was still here. The only thing that had kept her from giving up.

She was a fighter.

And until this nifty little code had started killing off her neurons, she'd been fighting for her survival.

For the survival of those she cared about.

Now she was just trying to make it so that she wouldn't have to watch everyone else die.

Luna shrugged. "Perhaps that's what 'better off' looks like."

Raven raised an eyebrow. "Little extreme."

"Just honest." Yeah. She was always honest.

It was somewhat of an adjustment, getting used to that level of forwardness. Raven still wasn't sure if she liked it or not. Mostly because it had the tendency to throw her off balance.

She had a feeling that she could ask Luna anything and expect to receive the truth.

That wasn't to say that everyone else lied, but most people had enough sense of self-preservation - and social awareness - to at least deflect from questions that were a little too close to home or made a person uncomfortable.

Some things you just didn't share.

Or, if you did, there was a build-up. A slow layering of trust - or, alternatively, a sudden explosion, when inner feelings became too much to keep a lid on any longer.

There was no build-up with Luna. Or sudden unveiling.

The answers came easily, almost without thought.

But Raven suspected that wasn't true, either. Luna was too careful in everything she did to ever act without thought.

She remembered the sensation of smooth scars under her fingertips, aged over, as close as they would ever come to fading.

It had been far too intimate a moment for two people who were little more than strangers.

But Luna had given it to her anyway. Without asking for any of Raven's scars in return, or seeming to expect that she would offer them.

Luna didn't ask questions.

She waited for you to speak and listened to everything you had to say, felt around the empty spaces of what you didn't say.

But she didn't ask questions.

And she saw far too much.

Raven had only known her close to two weeks - most of that from a distance - but it was enough time to notice this ability.

And to be made uneasy by it.

She wondered how much Luna knew about her that she hadn't decided to share. How much she had pieced together just by watching, and listening. How many of Raven's walls were translucent under her gaze?

She turned away from Luna's penetrating eyes, cleared her throat. "You should try and get some more sleep. I'm going to head back to the lab for a bit."

Luna frowned, as if disappointed, but didn't protest. "Alright. Don't push yourself too hard, though. Your body still needs rest."

Her body always needed rest.

She was growing less and less inclined to give it any.

But Luna's eyes were wide with concern, and it was so fucking genuine that Raven could only nod, mutter something that might have been a promise to do exactly that, before stumbling out of the room.

She needed space.

Lots and lots of space.

Notes:

A/N: I hope you're all well and have a fantastic christmas!

So after this chapter the drafts I have get a lot rougher so it might take a little longer for me to post. And then around chapter 20 all the chapters become EXTREMELY rough and incomplete so updates will probably slow down a lot around then. I also want to get back into editing and my yumagna fics so that will slow things down too. So the updates will still come it just probably won't be every week.

Love you all :)