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And Who's Going to Feed Him?

Chapter 3

Summary:

As Queen Amidala's ship draws ever closer to Coruscant, Obi-Wan discusses the fallout from his joint meditation with Master Qui-Gon and Anakin Skywalker. Obi-Wan barely survived with his sanity intact and heard nothing from the Force, but his master and Anakin insist the Force has told them Obi-Wan must be the one to train Anakin Skywalker if he is to become a Jedi.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

3

“You gotta help me, Obi-Wan,” Anakin told him, as though it was an understood fact. “If I’m going to be a Jedi someday, you gotta help me get there.” His small face was very serious.

“Anakin, I think I’ve told you,” Obi-Wan protested, “I’m an apprentice, a Padawan learner. I’m not qualified to help anyone become a Jedi Knight. Not yet.”

“So you pass your trials or whatever, like Mister Qui-Gon said you should. That’ll qualify you, right?” Anakin insisted. “Anyway, I don’t know why you’re so bothered about qualifications anyway. You’re plenty good already. Man, I was toast a second ago! But you found me! You got me out of that.”

“The Force speaks in many ways, Padawan,” Qui-Gon interjected. “You clearly feel a calling to help Anakin. Just now when he was nearly overwhelmed within the Force, and in smaller ways, every day of our journey so far.”

Obi-Wan shook his head. “You would have done it, Master. You tried to help him just now.”

“Tried and did not succeed,” Qui-Gon pointed out. “You did, Obi-Wan. Whether your particular abilities within the Force made you more suited to the task or whether you were merely more motivated to do so, you got through to Anakin when I could not. As you held us all apart from the power Anakin had gathered, I felt the Force sing around you. There was a sense of balance, of fitness to the pair of you. I had begun to feel it as soon as I introduced you two last week, and more and more each day since. Now I am certain: your destinies are entwined. In the end, Anakin may or may not be a Jedi Knight. I got no clear sense of his fate on that point. But Obi-Wan, you must train him.”

Obi-Wan looked from his master’s grave face to the boy’s sagacious little nod. He felt Anakin’s peace and satisfaction within the Force, Qui-Gon’s quiet certainty—the stubborn surety he had held onto every time he’d defied the Jedi Council over the course of his long career. That stubbornness had pulled Obi-Wan up from near-failure and a quiet exile to something almost resembling a Jedi Knight. If Obi-Wan even approached acceptability now, it was because of Qui-Gon Jinn, yet now Qui-Gon was insisting he must take on this inferno in the Force and attempt to teach it how to keep from burning itself out. As if Obi-Wan could even begin to understand how to do it. And if he failed—

No. The cost could be too high.

Obi-Wan shook his head. “I—Anakin, I don’t know if I can do what I just did ever again,” he said, “and your master will have to do it. Your master must be powerful and experienced enough to help you harness the Force within you, to learn to shield yourself from the power you cannot control and tame and direct the rest. I am—so much less than you are within the Force. I cannot hope to help you on any permanent basis.”

Anakin frowned. He thought for a long moment, regarding Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan felt him reaching out—to Qui-Gon, to Obi-Wan himself, to the Force. Obi-Wan breathed deep and moved his shields outward once again, ready to act again if Anakin lost himself. Anakin’s expression cleared. “No, that’s wrong,” he said at last, firmly. “You’re ready to do it again right now if you need to. If me or Mister Qui-Gon or anybody needs you to. You’re tired, and I’m sorry about that. I didn’t know. But it’s not that you can’t help me. You just think you can’t, right? But look, Mister Obi-Wan, I know you can. I felt it. Here and here.” He gestured to his forehead then to his chest.

As Anakin’s fingers moved, Obi-Wan felt a corresponding tug in his own head and chest, a physical manifestation of a psychic demand the boy was making of him. He looked inward, alarmed, and felt Master Qui-Gon do the same.

“Well. That settles it,” his master murmured. “I said that you had bonded with him, didn’t I, Obi-Wan? Though I believed I was speaking metaphorically at the time.”

There, beside Obi-Wan’s training bond with Qui-Gon, was a brand-new bond to Anakin Skywalker. Bright and shining and full of enough power to light the capital district on Coruscant. Obi-Wan tugged on it experimentally. Anakin’s gaze, which had been wandering back to Qui-Gon for a moment, snapped to his, and Obi-Wan felt him come to attention within the Force. Anakin’s blue eyes narrowed. “Hey, there you are again, inside,” he said. “What’s—”

“You have formed a bond with Obi-Wan, Anakin,” Qui-Gon repeated, directly to the boy this time. “He has the same kind of bond with me as his master. It helps us to stay connected, to keep an awareness of where we each are and how we feel within the Force. I have used it to teach him over the years, and he has used it to learn from me. We have both used it to help each other when we need it.”

Anakin’s joy and delight were radiant. He turned on Obi-Wan in triumph. “See!”

“Usually, a training bond is deliberately created by a master at the start of a new apprentice’s education as a Padawan learner,” Obi-Wan said, not so much releasing his mounting worry and concern into the Force as he was conveying it. Every instant there was more. “This one, I sense is different.”

For one thing, to his mind, this new bond with Anakin seemed much larger and more definite than the training bond Qui-Gon had established twelve years ago. It was the difference between a vine and a wroshyr tree root. The boy didn’t do things by halves. And there he was—every overwhelming centimeter of him, right at the other end of a palatial hallway he’d installed in Obi-Wan’s head without so much as a by-your-leave. Not that Anakin had probably known the first thing about what he was doing, and that was a whole other section in the Temple Archives Obi-Wan would have to study and worry over: Force intuitives and the chaos they could create.

Obi-Wan fell into a breathing pattern to maintain his calm. With difficulty, he kept the strain out of his voice. “Anakin, you are untrained, and powerful. In a moment of crisis within the Force, you turned to someone who has been giving you help and instruction. But this is not my place. I’ve done too much for you since you came onboard the ship. I wanted to help and thought you needed it, but Qui-Gon could have helped you, or you could have managed alone. I think you are confused. With a little research, and Master Qui-Gon’s help, I can dissolve this bond between us and—”

No!” The cry rang out in the air between them and through the Force, vehement and desperate. Obi-Wan flinched back from the violence of Anakin’s response. Shields, clumsily erected and uneven but radiating power, had sprung to life around Anakin’s mind. Physically, the boy had leapt to his feet and now he crouched by the door, half a meter further from where he had been just a moment ago. He trembled.

Obi-Wan stared at him, nonplussed. Then, hesitantly, he extended a thread of calm toward Anakin. “Anakin, it’s alright,” he said. “I cannot do anything now. I don’t know how. Dissolving a bond is not meant to hurt, and this one should never have existed in the first place—”

“You’re not supposed to!” Anakin shouted. The boy was close to tears, Obi-Wan realized, and decided that perhaps, shutting up and listening might be the wiser course of action. He considered what that last meditation must have felt like to Anakin, what it must be like to consciously experience the Force for the first time with Anakin’s kind of access to it, then to disagree with a man much older and larger than he was, a mentor and a friend in a galaxy where many of those had suddenly disappeared. To ask for help, to need it, and then be told that it wasn’t on offer.

Alright, Anakin, I’m listening.

He didn’t say the words so much as send the sense of them down the new bond, but he felt the effect upon Anakin.

“This—” Anakin tugged on the bond for emphasis, “It’s gotta stay. We’re supposed to be together. I—I think Mister Qui-Gon found me so he could bring me to you. Or it was one of the reasons, anyway. But if you don’t want me—”

Obi-Wan hesitated. Helpless, he looked to Qui-Gon for aid, but the telltale expression on his master’s face—blank obstinance—told him that none would be forthcoming. Qui-Gon might have brought Anakin into their lives, but he was formally resigning all rights now. He was Obi-Wan’s problem to deal with, for better or for worse, and whether he was prepared and competent or not.

Anakin was reducing his master—a man who could be on the Jedi Council if it weren’t for the merest stubbornness—Anakin was reducing Qui-Gon Jinn to a mere vehicle, and Obi-Wan’s master didn’t seem to care. If anything, he seemed to agree! The notion was incredulous. Obi-Wan reflected that maybe he should have told Anakin more of his own history when he’d asked, even the youngling-inappropriate bits. If Anakin knew, surely he would understand.

But even as the silence stretched, Anakin’s face was closing. Waves of agony, loneliness, fear—what’ll I do what’ll I do—were leaking out around the gaps in his inexpert shielding. Right now, Anakin was in no state of mind to listen to reason. He was hurting. He felt rejected. He would not hear how Obi-Wan wanted to pass him over for his own sake. He believed Obi-Wan disliked him.

Yet, when Obi-Wan considered his own feelings about Anakin Skywalker, he was somewhat surprised to find there was no dislike, that even the annoyance and weariness he had often felt this week about the inconveniences presented by Anakin was largely superficial. He . . . enjoyed Anakin’s energy. He valued Anakin’s trust and confidence. He believed the boy dangerous, yes, like a lightsaber or a laser cannon was dangerous. He felt himself unequipped to temper or direct that danger. But the need Anakin presented—he wanted to meet it. He had helped Anakin again and again because he wanted to.

Obi-Wan leaned back in his position, giving Anakin space rather than pursuing him, but he dropped his shields, leaving himself open to all of Anakin’s pain and hurt, all his need and accusation. Letting Anakin see his own fear and trepidation and see him release it into the Force. “Anakin, I don’t want to commit to training you because I think you can do better,” he murmured. “Because I want to help you, for you to have the best help possible. Even aside from the matter of the trials to raise me to the level where the Jedi would permit me to take on my own student—and I assure you, passing them is no triv—” he broke off. “It is not easy,” he said instead. “The kind of master-apprentice bond that Qui-Gon and I have is—it’s one-to-one. It is a rule in our Jedi Code. I would have no objection to being your friend, to telling you the kinds of things I have this week, to supporting you within our Order. Indeed, I look forward to it. But if we decide here and now that I should be your master, you could miss out on opportunities to learn from someone better.”

Anakin frowned, but he had relaxed within the Force. Obi-Wan felt sadness, frustration in him, but Anakin’s immediate agony and terror had faded away. Obi-Wan dared to raise his arms, to beckon. “Will you come back and sit down?”

Slowly, Anakin unwound. He scooted back over and folded back into a cross-legged position between Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. “You Jedi are supposed to trust it when the Force tells you stuff, right?” he asked.

Obi-Wan knew where Anakin was going, and he opened his mouth to argue, but his master answered first. “Correct.”

“So why is Obi-Wan being dumb?” Anakin demanded. He turned back to Obi-Wan, challenging. “Look, I know you didn’t hear what Mister Qui-Gon and I did just now. You were busy, keeping all of us safe from whatever it was I did. But because you did that, we’re telling you we did hear from the Force, if that’s what that was. I don’t lie, and I don’t think Mister Qui-Gon does. So you should listen, especially since he’s your master and all. It’s supposed to be you. You’re supposed to teach me.”

Qui-Gon laughed, low and rich. “I think you must surrender, Obi-Wan,” he advised.

“You aren’t going to give up on this, are you?” Obi-Wan asked Anakin.

Anakin shook his head. “Nu-uh. But you don’t give up either, Obi-Wan. We’re sim-i-li-ar that way.”

Obi-Wan smiled. “Similar, Anakin.”

“Right, that,” Anakin agreed. “Just now, it was like the Force or whatever I did was gonna carry you away too, right with me! Qui-Gon tried to get me but he couldn’t, but you just kept trying, even though it was really hard and made you really tired. You don’t give up. Like me. And you help people. Like I do. Whatever you think, I’m pretty sure you’ll be a good teacher.”

“And you should see his organizational skills,” Qui-Gon murmured, eyes dancing.

Anakin gave Qui-Gon a flat stare, as though he couldn’t believe the man was making jokes at a time like this. That was one sentiment they had in common. Then Anakin turned back to Obi-Wan.

“Look, you’re worried. You think you’re gonna mess it up, right? But you help Qui-Gon now, right? You look out for him, right? That’s what a Jedi apprentice does for his master. So if you become a Jedi Knight, and I become your apprentice, I’ll look out for you. So you’ll be fine.” Anakin shrugged. “Ask Mister Qui-Gon: I can be pretty handy.”

Anakin looked to Qui-Gon for corroboration. Master Qui-Gon’s mouth twitched. “He is right, he can be pretty handy,” he answered dutifully.

“Oh, you’re useless,” Obi-Wan complained. “Very well, Anakin, Master Qui-Gon. We’ll confer with the Council upon our arrival. They’ll want to know about the Sith we encountered on Tatooine at any rate. If you’re dead set on it, Master Qui-Gon will submit me for my trials. Provided I pass, and provided the Council is amenable to your training to be a knight instead of serving as your guardian through an apprenticeship to one of our service corps, we will discuss my submitting a declaration of intent to train you.”

Typical negotiator’s promises. He’d been careful with the wording and left too many provisions for it to be considered any true commitment. But Anakin didn’t know that. He whooped, and jumped up, saying he was going to go back up to the cockpit to watch the pilot bring the ship in to port. Master Qui-Gon, however, had been there for every step of Obi-Wan’s training. He fixed Obi-Wan with a hard stare, but followed the script anyway with a reassurance Obi-Wan would indeed pass his trials. But as Anakin ran away and Obi-Wan himself rose, Obi-Wan felt a admonition across the smaller, weaker, but much older and more official of the two bonds now in his head.

Do not ignore the will of the Force, Padawan. Your insecurities blind you. Go. Spend some time listening to your heart.

Notes:

Imposter Syndrome, thy name is Obi-Wan Kenobi.

This fic aims to fix the problems introduced into Obi-Wan and Anakin's prequel relationship in canon by Qui-Gon basically washing his hands of Obi-Wan to take on Anakin and then dying, leaving Obi-Wan the backup master. He should NOT have been the backup master. Obi-Wan was always the better option. Qui-Gon's recklessness would have only egged Anakin on, and his obsession with the prophecy as opposed to the kid in front of him would have been almost as bad as Palpatine's deliberate ego-stroking for Anakin's already problematic pride. But Qui-Gon's tossing aside Obi-Wan to train Anakin and then dying before he could left this guy who already felt deficient in almost every way feeling wrong-footed teaching Anakin from the start. So, we give Obi-Wan the credit: he's a lot smarter and more compassionate than Qui-Gon Jinn (if also about 75 percent sassier). He was aware of Anakin's flaws and what he needed a LOT more than Qui-Gon would have been. And Anakin's relationship with Obi-Wan was as central to him or more so than his relationship with his wife. Sidious literally could not turn him to the Dark Side until Obi-Wan was out of the way, and the gradual rift Sidious built between Anakin and Obi-Wan was his single greatest victory.

We empower Obi-Wan to feel he is what Anakin needs. We make sure he hears that everybody knows it and no one thinks he's just second-rate. He's still got massive Imposter Syndrome and inferiority complex due to unresolved childhood trauma, but we're not going to iron out all of that, because I still want them to struggle. I still want some of the communication issues. I still want Obi-Wan to have difficulty saying "I love you" in ways Anakin Skywalker can hear and that desperate kid to feel a lot of hurt and rejection from this person he needs so badly before he learns he's already GOT what he wants. Because learning to translate communication styles and get through to someone to ask for what you need from them is a huge part of growing up.

So: Obi-Wan is getting what he needs right now. Anakin isn't. He's doing a lot of the heavy lifting, and I want you to notice that, because it matters.

Thank you so much for the initial response to this fic. I'm pretty prolific and have been for a long time, but I've never dipped a toe into this section of this fandom. Your support and enthusiasm means so much to me.

LMS