Chapter Text
TOUCHED BY AN...ALIEN
Alvin's POV
Dr. Whatshisname walked up to the chalkboard and wrote one simple sentence there to start. I squinted and could make out some of it. I briefly, ever so briefly, considered putting on my glasses before mentally slapping the thought out of my mind. If I couldn't read it, then I couldn't understand it and that meant I wasn't going to risk getting sucked into this sciency pit of heck.
Too bad the weird teacher decided to say what he wrote out loud. "Physics is everything."
I rolled my eyes. The same stupid thing that Simon always says. How can physics be everything? What is physics? It's just a concept some crazy dudes invented because they were bored. Wait a second…isn't that what I do when I'm bored? Invent wild ideas and explanations in my head?
"How many of you rode your bike to school today?" The crazy guy asked.
A few hands went up.
"How many of you enjoy watching TV?"
Drat! I had to join the whole class raising my hand on that one.
"How many of you like using your phone to surf the web?"
Again, my hand went up with everyone else.
"And how many of you like to listen to music?"
Now not everyone had their hand raised, but mine was still reaching for the ceiling. Music was my life! It made me who I am!
"Good. Good." He stared at me with another mischievous twinkle in his eye. "How many of you like to play sports?"
There were about a third of the class's hands still in the air, including mine. This was not off to a great start.
And it continued to get worse. "Good good. Well, surprise, surprise, if you aren't already aware….physics is part of all of those things. Which, using deductive reasoning, means that all of those things are part of physics." The man sat on top of his desk and crossed one leg over the other. "Our goal today, is to learn which physics concepts can explain all of those things I just listed."
What? But that didn't make any sense! How could music and sports be physics? I mean, physical maybe. Cuz like you can dance to music and sports make you move. But neither of those things are scientific.
"Any questions?" Dr. W prompted.
And before I could realize what I was doing, my hand was in the air.
"Yes, the bright young lad in the baseball cap." He smiled at me.
"Whattaya mean music and sports are physics? How….How is that possible?"
"I am so glad you asked." What followed was a slideshow explaining the physics of sports and music and motion and well, all those other things he said. My brain started to tingle and my mouth went dry. This stuff was beginning to (gulp) make SENSE!?
He talked about the laws of motion and how you can predict how an object will move based on those three laws. Wow! And here I was just smacking a tennis ball around randomly like a chump. And kicking a soccer ball with all my might, barely paying attention to where it went. This physics stuff could give me an edge in sports that most people didn't have!
Dr. W also discussed the concepts of friction, static electricity, vibrations, and inertia. That last one was a word I hadn't heard before. I liked the way it rolled off my tongue. Inertia. Inerrrtiaaa.
By the time he started explaining how to calculate the sweet spot to hit a baseball for maximum accuracy, I was feeling weak in the knees. He was just so exciting! So captivating! He wasn't anything like Miss. Smith. I liked him! I really liked him!
WHAT DID HE DO TO ME!? Panic overtook me at full force. He had some kind of hold over me! It was like a tractor beam, gluing me to my seat. I tried to move but as I now knew, an object at rest typically likes to stay at rest.
How could I get out of here? Wait, I needed a force to act on me, didn't I? Aw man! This stuff was sticking in my head like molasses! Out out out! Stay out! Sciency thoughts, begone! I finally felt enough energy to turn my head toward the door.
At that moment, Dr. Wilson, Wait, I knew his name now!?, continued his presentation. This time he made physics pluck my heartstrings 10 times more than it was already doin'. He was talking about music. I was absolutely doomed. I could feel the brain tingles even stronger now!
"Humans speak and sing by vibrating the air column in their throats. By changing the shape and tension of their vocal chords, they create different vibrational modes and sounds. Practiced singers can do this very well.." He went on. Practiced singers? Oooh! Like me! "They can shape their vocal cords to hold notes and to hit several exact notes on a musical scale without faltering in pitch."
I waved my hand around and he called on me again. I was falling right into his trap and I knew it, but I couldn't help myself. "I can do that!" I exclaimed. "Would you like a demonstration?"
"I'm all ears." He said warmly.
I sang each note perfectly while standing on my desk and then took a bow. The whole class clapped.
Dr. Wilson went on to explain that music is made of different invisible waves called soundwaves. The air all around us is FULL of them! And radio waves and TV waves are being beamed through our heads constantly but we don't realize it. We only experience the result of those waves when we turn on a TV or radio.
It's really kind of….beautiful when you think about it real hard. And I was thinking about it HARD, harder than anything I'd ever thought before in my life. It was so FASCINATING!
Before I knew it, class was over and I had absorbed pretty much the whole lesson without being distracted. Yikes! I knew I must have had a dazed and starstruck look on my face just like the rest of the class. Yep. This was definitely brainwashing. 100% brainwashing. Dr. Wilson had somehow made me….into an intellectual.
"So, how was it?" He asked, walking by my desk.
My heart pounded in my ears. "It….It….It was….f…f….f…." I could feel my eye twitch. "…fun."
Somehow I just couldn't lie to the guy. "Why…Why would you do this to me!?" We were both alone in the classroom now, all the other kids had stumbled out…probably daydreaming about physics the way I was fated to forever.
"Do what? Hmmm?" He prompted.
My mouth felt dry and I felt dizzy. "M…Make me….like this stuff!"
He waved his arms. "Oh it wasn't all me. I owe a great deal to THE POWER OF SCIENCE!" He smiled at me with that super unsettling smile. "I take it, I'll be seeing you again tomorrow?"
I finally got up from the chair. "Yes. Okay, yes. You win." I groaned. "You've turned me into a nerd. My life will never be the same."
"Perhaps not." He walked with me to the door. "Perhaps that's a good thing."
"I doubt it." I replied, accelerating…drat…I mean RUNNING away as soon as I reached the door. Maybe my boosted brainpower would fade as soon as I got out of there. Whatever alien device he was using to give me physics fact brain rot might still be in the classroom.
Or maybe I wasn't as lucky and it was part of the slides he'd used. Maybe those slides had beamed the knowledge into my head, never to fully fade away. I shuddered at the thought.
"Come on, ADHD." I willed. "Do your stuff. Make me forget the last hour ever happened."
Nope. No luck. My brain responded with "Did you know soundwaves can generate heat?" I didn't remember Dr. Wilson teaching that, but if it was in my head then he MUST have. Ohhhh this was BAD. So BAD! Nobody could know about this! Nobody could know that I, total delinquent, Alvin Seville, was enamored with any form of science.
I jumped onto the drinking fountain and splashed cold water on my face, trying to get rid of the dazed look in my eyes and my pale complexion. "Don't think about physics! Don't think about physics! Don't think about physics!" I told myself internally. Right, how was I supposed to do that.
"Everything is physics." Dr. Wilson's voice echoed in my brain.
Cool, so then I just had to stop thinking about….anything. This was going to be harder than I thought. I had to turn this newly enhanced brain off somehow. If only I could remember how to get back into impulse mode.
I climbed down from the drinking fountain and took out my phone. I knew I was probably running late to meet up with my brothers. The phone felt warm in my hand. Hey, I bet that's cuz of the electrical current running through it. Grrrr! No! Off brain! Turn OFF!
I received a text from Simon. [Where are you?]
My furry fingers texted back. [On my way.]
[How was class?] My brother texted back.
"Physics is so COOL!" My infected brain shouted.
I shoved the phone back in my pocket to reduce the chance of texting Simon that. I needed to come up with a good lie to tell. Something believable.
"You look like you've seen a ghost." Eleanor teased as I met up with my brothers and the girls outside the school.
Close, Ells. Try ALIEN!
"You survived the whole hour!" Theodore clapped his hands. "Good job."
"So, how was physics class?" Simon asked me the same question he'd texted me.
There was only one thing to answer. "Boring." I said. "It was boring."
"Really?" Jeanette seemed sad. "You didn't learn anything?"
"Nope! It was totally boring!" I said in a rush.
"….okay?" Brittany tilted her head and studied me.
Simon walked down the school steps carefully. "Can't say I'm surprised."
Ha! If only he knew, but he would never know. He was the last person I wanted to have anything in common with….and now we were both science nerds.
"How was Orgasmic Chemistry?" I asked, deflecting the convo away from me and onto him.
"Organic. ORGANIC chemistry." He stressed. "It was very enlightening. We made a chart of a bunch of chemical compounds."
Was chemistry connected to physics? Because suddenly studying the physics behind chemical compounds ALSO interested me. AHHHHH!
"Cool. Cool." I nodded, before realizing my mistake. "I mean lame. So lame."
"Are you okay, Alvin?" Theodore asked, picking up on my jittery behavior.
"What? Yeah! Of course. I'm just….tired. Had a long nap in class and I haven't quite, you know, woken up all the way. I'm gonna actually run ahead. Got lots of stuff to do at home. Super important stuff that can't wait, so BYE!"
I could have played that smoother. What was wrong with me? I rushed home and ate dinner. I was really dizzy due to the fact that I was starving. I needed food to give me energy…and that was also connected to physics. Drat. Dang, he wasn't KIDDING! Everything really IS physics.
It went on like this all afternoon and into the evening. Videogames? Obsessing over the physics of my reflexes. Music? Yeah well…that was ruined forever. Sports? Ha! I don't think so! I finally laid on my bed and stared up at the ceiling. "Empty your miiiiind." I begged myself. "You don't need to know this stuff. You don't WANT to know this stuff."
But I DID want to know it, which further proves that Dr. Wilson had altered my state of consciousness. I had never been interested in knowing things like this before. I liked things for what they were. I had no reason to know how they worked. I had Simon for that.
Now, my curiosity was at an all time high. The more I could connect the dots in my mind, the more I WANTED to know. It was an unhealthy addiction. Science had taken over my thoughts more than any girl ever did. Ewwww. Did that mean I was falling madly in love….with PHYSICS!?
There was only one person I could talk to at a time like this. I scurried downstairs and then down more stairs until I reached Simon's lab in the basement. I had to come out and say it. My brainy bro could help me. I know he could.
"Simon," I scuffed my feet on the concrete floor. "I am pretty sure my physics teacher is an alien." What? Did you think I was gonna tell him about my new genius powers? Nah! That was staying under wraps until I got too smart to hide it.
Predictably, I had to deal with Simon's classic dry wit. "And I'm pretty sure you've read one too many Bruce Coville books." He responded, adjusting his glasses as he worked on…homework? I think. I couldn't tell for sure.
In his defense, I did get the idea from a book. My Teacher Fried My Brains to be exact. I had read the whole series multiple times back when I first got reading glasses and reading was new and exciting. In MY defense, what other explanation could there be? I wasn't naturally smart like Simon and now suddenly I WAS!? It made no sense unless you looked at it from the whole alien brain fryer angle.
I decided to lay out some more indisputable evidence. "I'm serious! He's weird and he's always SMILING! Teachers don't smile, Si."
The tiniest hint of a smile tugged at his lips. "Maybe not at you." Oooh another zinger. He's throwing them around all willy nilly. Little does he realize, I may very soon be on his level…able to hit back with intellectual and witty jokes too.
"Ha ha." I said sarcastically, continuing my evidence collection. "And he has this jacket with flower designs all over it."
"Flowers? You mean like paisley?" Simon asked.
"No, like really odd looking flowers." I grabbed a sheet of paper from his scrap paper pile and a blue ballpoint pen. I proceeded to draw him a picture of what I meant.
"That's an atom, Alvin." He explained.
"Huh?" I asked. Dr. Wilson hadn't covered atoms yet.
"You know, the building blocks of the universe?" He continued.
I thought physics was the building blocks of the universe. Thus, atoms must be connected to physics.
But to keep up the ruse, I stared at Si with a blank expression.
Simon held up his fingers close together. "Tiny tiny particles that no one can see?"
Yeah, that didn't help me. I continued to stare.
He sighed. "The design on Jimmy Neutron's T shirt."
"Ohhhh!" I could see it now! That was the same symbol. "Yeah! That thing! Cool design honestly. I love how the tiny balls like….orbit around the center ball."
"It is a fun design." He softened a bit.
"Now back to the alien thing. How do we prove he's an alien, Simon? I need ideas." I paced around the lab.
"Aren't YOU the ideas guy?" He responded, with a calculating stare not unlike ones Britt had been giving me lately.
"Figured you'd want a crack at it. Ya know, keep it all even steven." I said. Plus, I currently couldn't think of ideas without getting distracted thinking about FREAKIN PHYSICS. I usually say that I am the ideas guy, the leader, but ALSO the brains. That last part used to be a joke….It wasn't anymore.
"I'm not helping you kidnap the physics teacher so you can try and rip his "mask" off only to find out he's not wearing one and you're a lunatic." He shooed me away. "Now, if you don't mind, I have to finish these equations. They're going to determine whether my next invention functions properly."
Oooh! Function! Another one of my favorite terms! "Conjunction Junction, what's your function?" My head sang to me. Nuts! I knew watching those old Schoolhouse Rock tapes with Jeanette was a bad idea.
"Okay." I left Simon to his funny little functions and returned upstairs. I was on my own with this alien thing. Wait! Maybe I could get Theo on board! I know the last time I thought there was an alien in the school, it turned out to be some props for a movie set. I was POSITIVE that there was an alien this time. I was also positive that the alien was specifically targeting me.
They know I'm onto them. They know I won't rest until I can prove they exist. I wondered what sorta alien name Dr. Wilson had. What was behind his human disguise. Did he have tentacles? 5 eyeballs? Did he even have a mouth? What color was his skin? Electric green? Pink? Bright red? Maybe violet?
It was so nice pondering the vast possibilities of extraterrestrial life. It almost made me stop thinking about phys….OH COME ON! And now I was thinking about the thrust power of an alien spaceship. I really hated my new brain.
I called up Brittany because if Simon wouldn't listen, maybe she would.
"Alvin, no. This is the 30th person you've accused of being an alien. You have to stop this." She told me, sounding tired and angry.
"But but….I know for a fact this time." I insisted.
"You've thought Dave was an alien. You've even thought I was an alien!" She spat.
"Yeah uh. My bad on the body snatcher thing. I just didn't know why you were acting so nice." I told her.
She groaned. "I was acting nice because…."
Long pause. "Because?" I echoed.
"You know what? Forget it. It doesn't matter. Goodbye, Alvin." She hung up.
Eleanor also hung up on me. "If this is about Dr. Wilson, Britt told me everything. And also, just a reminder, my ponytails are not antennas I use to contact my home planet, okay!?" That was all I got out of her.
Jeanette was unhelpful in a different way. "He's a very kind and unique individual. He's not an alien."
Well, I guess all that was left was Theo, Kevin, and Cheesy. I was too tired to deal with any more convincing people tonight. They'd have to wait until morning.
My eyes drifted to Simon's bookcase. The brain tingles started up again. I wanted to read. Why did I want to read? I reached for my reading glasses on the nightstand and then tip toed over to the shelf…even though there was currently nobody in the room to catch me. I pulled out the book that had grabbed my attention. Advanced Quantum Mechanics. The pinnacle of all nerd books. Once I read this, there was no going back. The tingles were so strong now!
I grabbed a flashlight and hurried into the small teepee near the window. That was where Theo hid sometimes when he didn't wanna be found. I currently didn't want to be found, so I entered the hideaway and shined the flashlight on the Quantum Mechanics book. It was now or never.
I opened the book and pushed my glasses up my nose. I tried to read it, but the majority of it made no sense to me. I sighed. Right. Still not as smart as Simon after all. That was probably a good thing. Gosh darn it! I wanted to learn all the stuff in that book though.
Maybe I needed another dose of Dr. Wilson's brain booster? No! Perish the thought. That was what he WANTED me to do. If I was gonna make myself smart enough to take down Dr. Wilson without being assimilated into his army of nerds, I was gonna have to do it the old fashioned way.
I exchanged the book for my laptop, making sure to put the book back from exactly where it came, or else Si would notice. Laptop acquired, I loaded the search engine and then typed in exactly what I was looking for. When you're learning something new, you always start from the bottom and work your way up.
"Physics books for dummies." I typed in, crossing my fingers that something would appear.
Yes! There it was! A book titled Physics For Dummies. It promised to start simple and slowly work up to the more confusing and complex concepts. It was perfect! I placed an order for the book and then I put my laptop away and crawled back in bed.
Sure, now I had to intercept the book somehow before anyone saw it get delivered, but that was my specialty. I'd been ordering stuff I wasn't supposed to have and hiding it from Dave for years. Just little things! A monster book, some super sweet candy that makes me hyper, and a special velvet case for my harmonica, to name a few.
My head hit the pillow and Dr. Wilsons slides and lecture replayed in my mind. This was so frustrating! I just wanted to sleep! Let me sleep! Boy, I couldn't wait to become smart enough to learn how to finally get physics out of my head for good.