Chapter Text
"Papa! Papa!" Lil Petey cheers, pawing at Petey's apron. "Pancakes! Pancakes!"
"You yelling isn't going to make them cook any faster!" Petey groans, lifting the edge of a pancake to check it. He shoves his kid away with a paw and scoots him back to the kitchen table. "Now go sit down and wait!"
"But Dog Man has to leave for work soon!" Lil Petey says, climbing into his chair, stacked with books to help him reach the table. "Then he won't get any pancakes!"
The argument is punctuated by a loud thud and startled bark from upstairs and both cats glance up and hear the hybrid dog continue to scramble.
"And he's already running late," Lil' Petey says solemnly, as if missing out on pancakes is a punishment on par with jail time.
Petey rolls his eyes.
"Well, if he hadn't slept through his alarm then he wouldn't be rushing. Just because I'm staying here temporarily!" The emphasis is important. "It doesn't mean I'm going to change my schedule and do things on his time!" Petey flips the pancakes and moves to finish the peanut butter and apple sandwich on the counter. He wraps it up and puts it in the paper lunch bag on the counter.
As Petey starts on the second pair of pancakes, the first two stacked on a plate, Dogman comes rushing down the stairs, his uniform in disarray. His fur could use a good brushing and Petey stamps down the urge to groom the golden tufts neatly the way he does for Lil' Petey.
"Dogman!" Petey cheers, looking up from his crayons and paper. "Come sit! Papa just finished making some pancakes!"
The officer shakes his shaggy head and signs wildly. 'No time. Late.'
"Awwww."
Dogman glances with big mournful eyes at Petey standing at the stove, his nose sniffing the sweet air. 'Smells good," he signs at Petey, taking the time to compliment the cat despite his rush. Petey huffs and his ear flicks slightly. His cheeks feel warm from the stove.
"Yeah, yeah, you don't have time to be admiring my cooking skills." Petey shoves the lunch bag into Dogman's hands. "It's a peanut butter and apple sandwich and a container of leftover spaghetti from last night. Hurry up and get to the precinct. Or don't and get fired. I don't care."
The officer whines at that but then gets that annoying little smirk on his face and before Petey can dodge or whack him with the spatula he gets a big doggy lick to the cheek.
"Ewwww! I told you to stop doing that!" The orange tabby complains, trying to push him away. He attempts to hit Dogman with the spatula anyway but the dog is already out of reach and has somehow swiped a pancake from the plate.
'Thanks!' He signs with a grin, gives another lick to Lil' Petey, who giggles, and then is out the door.
The silence that falls over the cozy little home is deafening to Petey as he stands at the stove, staring at the little bubbles popping in the pancake batter as they cook. The overwhelming domesticity of what just happened washes over him. His heart pounds yet feels light. His cheeks are warm and he places a paw where Dogman's saliva wets his fur. Then the dread and disbelief hits and he resists the urge to knock himself out with the frying pan.
How is this my life now? He thinks.
How did he fall into this trap and illusion of a cozy home? Why was he even still here when he should be back at his lab? His empty barren lab. That had been the plan initially but after Lil' Petey expressed concern about his deadbeat father coming back and having no security both the kitten and, shockingly, Dogman had insisted he stay at his place until that could be figured out. Temporarily of course.
That had been a month ago. And he was still here.
The couch had been converted into a bed for him, covered in orange fur and blankets. A few of the books Dogman had brought him from the library (Petey was banned from there permanently) sat on the bookshelf in the corner. A few sketches of invention ideas were here and there and Lil' Petey's drawings decorated the fridge with various doodles of him and Dogman and whatever else his creative son came up with. He doesn't remember being a very artistic child but despite being a clone of him it was clear Lil' Petey was different in a number of ways.
Which was probably good. Dogman was good for him. The co-parenting was a fine arrangement. But he wasn't supposed to be playing house with him! It was making him feel all sorts of weird things that didn't make any sense!
"Papa. The pancakes are burning."
Petey blinks. "Oh, rats," he grumbles as he flips the charred pancake and scowls. This can't go on.
"Hey, kid. We're going to the lab today," he declares, scrapping the pancakes into the trash.
“Why?” The kitten asks, tilting his head in a very Dogman-like way.
“So I can finally get it ready for moving back in, of course.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean why? I want to move back into my own place! I’m still paying rent and everything!”
“Why?”
“Because adults pay rent.” And because the landlord was smart enough to never meet Petey in person. Or else he absolutely would have taken care of the rent problem then and there. He had a freeze ray he had been dying to use. Shame.
“No, I mean why do you want to move back in?” Lil’ Petey almost sounds sad. “Don’t you like it here?”
Petey pauses and then flips the new pancakes over. The tip of his tail twitches irritably. He hates that he hesitates so much. It should be so easy to say he hates it. He should say he wants his personal space back and that annoying dog away from him.
Yet, he can’t help but think of the way Dogman’s brown puppy eyes made Petey's stomach twist funny even though he knew Dogman just wanted the bagel he hadn't finished. Or the way they stayed up to watch movies together long after Lil' Petey's bedtime. Or the way Dogman was so patient when teaching him how to sign with his hands. Or the nights when Dogman’s shockingly skilled hands would dance across the piano keys and Lil’ Petey would join in with his tiny paws.
It made Petey wish he still had his mom’s ukulele to be a part of it. But that too had been stolen.
Wait no! No, he didn’t want to be part of it anyway! Never mind all of that!
If he stays any longer he gets the sinking feeling he’ll be trapped when things inevitably go south. He’s seen it before and he won’t make that same mistake she did.
“I have no room to work on my inventions,” he says instead. “I need space and I don’t have that here. Just because I’m technically no longer the world's-most-evilest-cat doesn’t mean I’m going to stop inventing. That’s like asking a cat not to purr or you to stop drawing your comics.”
“Oh. Ok.” Petey is quiet for two seconds. “Why have I never heard you purr, Papa?”
Petey thunks down a plate of hot pancakes in front of his annoying yet adorable child. “Just eat your stupid breakfast and give me ten minutes of peace.”
“Ok, Papa!”
-
After breakfast the two orange tabbies make their way into the city, leaving 80-HD to take care of the house while they are gone.
“Do you think we’ll see Dogman in action today?” Lil’ Petey asks, his little paw in Petey’s larger one. “Fighting some bad guys?”
Petey scoffs as they cross the street. “Doubt it. I was the best bad guy this city ever had! Without me, I’m sure Dogman is just chasing his own tail at the precinct or catching a purse snatcher. Something boring.”
“I don’t know, Papa. Dogman was saying there was some weird activity going on the last few days.”
“Like what?”
“He didn’t say.”
Petey hums as they pass a coffee shop. He supposes that with him being declared a “do-gooder” (ugh) that some other kind of villain could have come to try and fill the void he left behind. Still, he doubts that they’ll be good enough for Dogman. After he was the only one who-
His thoughts screech to a halt as the coffee shop glass door slams open in front of them. It’s only with his cat reflexes that he manages to yank Lil’ Petey from being smacked in the forehead by it.
“Hey!” The orange tabby hisses. “Watch it! You almost took out my kid!”
“Sorry! I’m so sorry!” A young woman with bright pink hair says frantically, never taking her eyes off Petey. “It’s just um… you’re Petey the Cat right?”
Petey blinks. “Well yeah?”
The woman gushes and leans in. “I knew it! The moment I laid eyes on you I knew it was you! I’m such a huge fan!”
“Oh,” Petey says, a little taken aback and pleased by that. “A fan of my past villainy? I’m flattered. But I don’t do that anymore.”
“Don’t worry! I’m a fan of everything you do! Everything!” She shrieks and this time Petey’s fur stands on end along his back and his tail goes stiff at the intensity she gives off. “Whatever you do I’ll absolutely support you! Your fur is so beautiful. I’ve never seen a cat with such beautiful looking fur.” She reaches out to his face. "May I touch it?”
He hisses and takes a step back from her reach, pulling Lil’ Petey close. The woman follows like a moth to a flame.
“Oh please don’t be scared! I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you!” She clasps her hands together and her eyes flicker strangely. “In fact, I think I love you!”
“Papa?” Lil’ Petey asks, clinging to his long legs. “What’s going on?”
“Alright, I don’t know who you are or why you’re acting like a creep but I need you to back up!” Petey shouts, picking up Lil’ Petey and making a wide circle around her.
“But-“
“I mean it! Stay far away from me! I will get a restraining order! I’m friends with a cop!”
That seems to do the job as the woman stands still on the sidewalk watching the cat rush off. Her eyes bore into the back of Petey’s skull until he turns the corner around a building.
“That was weird,” Lil’ Petey says, tucked under Petey’s chin. “Do you have fangirls like that normally, Papa?”
Petey frowns. “Who taught you that word?”
“A friend from school.”
“Of course,” Petey groans. "I need to meet that friend of yours parents because she’s teaching you some weird things. Anyway no, that was not normal. I’m not sure what that was.” Yet there is a nagging feeling in the back of Petey’s mind that it also felt weirdly… familiar? What was he forgetting?
“Sometimes there are just weird people in the world. That is why you should never go anywhere alone with strangers alright?”
“Ok, Papa.” The kitten’s tail swishes excitedly behind him (yet another Dogman mannerism) and he giggles. “You called Dogman your friend.”
Petey splutters, almost tripping over a crack in the sidewalk. “I didn’t- I only said it so she would leave us alone! We’re… co-parents and temporary roommates. At most!”
“I heard you say friend.”
“Ya know, I don’t remember being as annoying as you when I was a kid."
Lil’ Petey doesn’t get the chance to give what is probably a smart-ass retort when suddenly a man in glasses comes stumbling up to them.
“You’re Petey the Cat!” The man shouts, reaching for the tabby excitedly with grabby hands. “May I scratch your ears? Or squish your paws?”
“No, you may not!” Petey shouts, slinking away from him. “What is going on with you humans today?!”
“Please! You’re so amazing and smart and beautiful! I’ll do anything you ask!”
Before Petey can rake his claws over this guy's face, having had it with all of those completely inappropriate things for a stranger to ask a cat for, more voices come from down the street and getting closer.
“It’s Petey the Cat!”
“Petey!”
“He’s soooo handsome!”
“I want to kiss his paws!”
“Can we do anything for you, Petey? Would you like to rob a bank? We’ll help!”
At least a dozen or more humans are running down the sidewalk towards them all shouting various insane things and some that are more uh… risqué that he demands Lil’ Petey cover his ears. It reminds him of the zombie movie he and Dogman watched the other night as the horde ran at the heroes. Dogman had barked the entire way through and Petey thought it was boring but-
Then it clicks. Oh. Oh! Oh god! Not that! Why?!
He dodges another swipe from the besotted man (notes the flicker of pink in his eyes) and then books it down the street with Lil’ Petey in tow, hoping he can make it to the lab and hide.
“What is going on, Papa?” Lil’ Petey asks, looking over his dad’s shoulder at the humans chasing after them.
“My stupid old man is what is going on!” Petey gasps, regretting not having done any cardio recently. “He’s either using my inventions without any understanding of them or has sold them off to morons for a quick buck!”
If he had known this would happen he'd have destroyed the Love Ray months ago.
Rats.