Chapter Text
Chapter 2: But the story of us might be ending soon
Merlin all but runs.
His heartbeat thrums violently in his chest and there’s a ringing in his head, but Merlin thinks he can hear his heart breaking over it anyway.
He hadn't realized how vulnerable he’d left himself to Arthur until now. He had put himself entirely at Arthur’s mercy, never thinking it could end so terribly for him. He tries to shove Arthur’s words and the scathing look on his face, far far away from the forefront of his mind, as he makes the trip from Arthur’s room to his own, one final time.
When it doesn’t work, he ends up in a dusty, unused room in some corner of the castle. He collapsed against the door as violent sobs racked his body and he curled in on himself, burying his face in his knees to stifle the sounds.
He knows he needs to get up and pack and get the hell out of here before Arthur changes his mind and sends the guards after him, but he can’t bring himself to move. His tears show no sign of stopping and he feels so weak crying over a man who had just shown that he certainly didn’t deserve his tears.
It’s just–He thought they were truly friends. He’d been thinking about revealing his magic to Arthur for months now, because he’d started to show signs that he didn’t think of magic as a solely evil force. Merlin was so sure they’d made progress.
At the very least, he never thought Arthur would hate him. He never once imagined Arthur would spew vitriol at Merlin as if it was second nature.
And if Arthur hated him so much, why not just have him executed? He’d almost asked Arthur that outright but then thought better of it—knowing his luck, he’d probably talk himself onto the pyre in the process. He knew he didn’t deserve that, and Gaius deserved to witness it even less.
So, he’d been confused then, hurt and angry. The latter two emotions warred within him, now, as he stood on shaky legs and used his neckerchief to pat down his face. There wasn’t any time to waste right. Merlin would have the rest of his entire life to turn over every word that came out of Arthur’s mouth in the last hour.
He collected himself and continued his journey to Gaius’ chambers. He tried not to think about the fact that this was the last time he’d be doing that.
When he entered, Gaius looked up from the concoction he was brewing, expectantly. Beside him, Morgana and Gwen had similar expressions of concern and curiosity.
Right. He’d filled in Morgana and Gaius after his talk with Arthur last night. Morgana must’ve told Gwen and now they were all waiting to hear how it went, with hopeful eyes. Morgana had full faith in her brother while Gaius had said he might be angry at first but that he’d surely come around.
“His royal highness has decided to exile me,” he stated, with little fanfare, as he crushed their hopes and expectations.
Merlin didn’t wait to hear their questions before he locked himself in his room, slamming the door unnecessarily loudly. He didn’t have it in him to regret it.
He did regret not slamming Arthur’s door, but looking back, perhaps it wasn’t so bad to leave with his dignity intact and his head held high. Merlin frowned as he was sourly reminded of the pouch. How dare Arthur reduce their friendship down to that . It was downright disrespectful.
Gaius knocked at his door, urging Merlin to talk to him, while he packed his few belongings. He gave in, eventually and let the man in. A quick glance at the rest of the chambers told him the girls were gone.
“They went to talk to him. Morgana is of the belief she can knock some sense into that silly boy,” Gaius explained.
Merlin snorted. If only it were that easy. “And what do you think?”
Gaius shook his head. “I wasn’t expecting him to do this. I’m sorry, Merlin. But, I have no doubt he’ll regret his actions in due time.”
“No.” he shook his head. “You weren’t there, Gaius. There’ll be no changing his mind and he won’t regret this. He was so disgusted and angry. Like, like he–“ Merlin didn’t know what he wanted to say anymore and he let out a frustrated scream. “ How could he do this? ” He rubbed at his eyes as they watered again.
Gaius sighed, mournfully and wrapped his arms around Merlin. “I’m sorry, my boy. You don’t deserve this.”
Merlin hugged him back. The familiar scent of herbs and honey tickled his senses as he buried his face in the old man’s shoulder and allowed a few tears to escape. Gaius tightened his hold and rubbed his back.
When Merlin finally pulled away, Gaius gave him the time to gather his remaining belongings before asking, “Where will you go?”
“I don’t know. Far.” Ealdor was about as welcoming as Camelot, now. He’d just find some nearby village to settle in, maybe continue apprenticing under a physician. “Take care of Morgana, for me? Knowing Arthur is capable of this will hurt her more than she’ll let on. And continue teaching her about magic in my stead.”
In leaving the castle, Merlin worried about her more than anyone else. He’d been helping her control her magic for more than a year now, after she’d confessed to him but it still got out of control when her emotions were running high.
“You fear the dragon may still be proven right?”
“No. She’s found stability in us, now. My leaving might make it harder for her, but she’ll still have you and Gwen to talk to about her magic. And you’ll help her if you notice her going astray, I’m sure.” Merlin knew almost for certain that it wouldn’t come to that. Morgana had come far.
“Of course,” Gaius agreed. “I’ll pack you some things for the journey.” And he got to work. Merlin watched the familiar movements and another pang of sorrow hit him. Losing Gaius would be akin to losing his father again. Worse, even. Gaius had done so much for Merlin and he’d never be able to repay him now.
Gwen returned first, and swamped him in a hug. “He’ll come around, Merlin. I know he will,” she murmured .
Gwen was sweet and Merlin didn’t want to dissuade her from still being optimistic. She’d realise eventually, herself. For now, he just took comfort in the warmth she offered.
She handed him a pack of food, enough to last him at least a week, and they sat in each other’s comfortable company as Gaius prepared an array of medicines and healing ointments for him, as well as a pile of books to take with him.
He would miss them. He would miss feeling loved and cared for. The road ahead was bound to be a lonely one. He hated Arthur with a renewed vigor for taking this from him.
Morgana returned around midday. She closed the door behind her with a dejected sigh. “He’s not answering his door.”
Merlin shrugged. “I wouldn’t have stayed even if you’d somehow managed to convince him, anyways.”
Morgana pursed her lips. “What did he say to you?”
Arthur’s words rang in his ears again. You disgust me. I don’t want you. Magic is the root of evil. You disgust me. You disgust me. You disgust me. You disgust me.
I don’t want you.
“Doesn’t matter what he said. It’s about self respect.” When Morgana didn’t seem to be satisfied with that, he added, “Just be careful. He would never harm you, but that doesn’t mean he can be trusted with your secret.”
Morgana gave a shaky nod. “I can’t believe he’s doing this.”
“Neither can I,” Gwen piped in. “He’s always put you above the law. I didn’t think it’d be any different with magic.”
“Uther’s claws must dig deeper than we all realised,” Gaius said, as he handed Merlin a small wooden kit, stocked with everything he could possibly need for everyday ailments.
Merlin nodded and got up. “I should get going. Long road ahead and all,” he cleared his throat and emotions threatened to overwhelm him again. Honestly, Arthur was right. He really was such a girl sometimes.
“Not too long; You’re taking Onyx.”
Merlin turned to Morgana and deadpanned, “Oh, yes, let me just take a horse from the very castle he’s kicking me out of.”
“It’s my horse and I’m gifting it to you,” Morgana insisted.
Merlin’s mouth fell open. “I’m not accepting a whole horse for a gift. You’re mad.”
“What use is half a horse?” Gwen laughed.
“Yes, thank you, Gwen.” Morgana smiled with teeth. “I’ll walk you to the stables.”
Merlin sighed. Any battle with Morgana was a battle lost. That girl simply never took ‘no’ for an answer. He turned to Gaius and gave him a quick hug. “Thank you for everything.”
“You don’t ever have to thank me, Merlin.” Gaius rested his hands on his shoulders and squeezed, gently. “Take care of yourself. Don’t get into foolish situations.”
Merlin chuckled and nodded, eyes watering. He kissed Gwen’s cheek. “Don’t let this place go to the dogs, yeah?”
Gwen started crying and wrapped Merlin in another hug. It was over too soon and he was leaving, with nothing more than a final look exchanged with some of the most important people in his life.
Morgana walked beside him in amicable silence, carrying half the books. Merlin kept his pace brisk, half-expecting someone to spot him and drag him off to the dungeons. When they neared the stables, she asked, “What about the knights? They’ll all miss you, you know.”
Merlin had thought about them, then dismissed the idea of bidding them farewell. Better to leave as soon as possible. And, “I wouldn’t know what to even say to them. Let Arthur come up with an excuse that’ll satisfy Gwaine.” Merlin almost smiled at the thought of Gwaine endlessly annoying Arthur no matter what explanation Arthur provided. “And, tell Lance everything, whenever you get the chance.”
Morgana nodded.
“I could come with you?” She whispered, her voice shaky, and it broke Merlin’s heart.
He turned to her as they came to a stop in front of where Onyx, a beautiful black mare, was saddled and ready to go. “Your place is here, Morgana,” he said gently. “I have no doubt that you’ll one day help Arthur see reason. Maybe…maybe things will be better when he’s king.”
“You don’t sound very sure of that,” she pointed out. And, she was right. It had always been ‘Things will be better when Arthur is king’. Now, he was a lot less certain.
He looked away. “Yeah,” because there was nothing else to say to that.
“Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.” Merlin opened his mouth to interrupt, but she held up a hand. “I mean it. You took a great risk trusting me with your secret and you continued risking your life for me, every time you taught me magic. And I’m so so grateful to you for helping me harness it better and fearing it less.” She wiped at her eyes, as the tears she’d been holding in for so long, finally fell. “You were my light at a very dark time, I only wish I could repay you someday.”
Merlin hugged her. It seems that’s all he’d be doing today, but he wasn’t complaining.
“Talking to you about magic was as freeing for you as it was for me,” he whispered in her hair. “And teaching you was fun, especially when you burnt Gaius’ eyebrows off.”
They both shook with laughter and stayed in the embrace for several moments longer. When they parted, Merlin pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Take care of yourself, please. For my sake, if not your own.”
“I will, if you promise me the same.”
Merlin nodded. “My word.”
When he wiped at his face, he found it damp. He wondered when he started crying. He wondered if he ever even stopped.
Morgana stepped back to add the books to the satchel and he saw her slip a dagger in there. “What am I gonna need that for?” He asked, skeptical.
“Oh, I don’t know,” Morgana said dryly. “Maybe try not to die?”
“I can handle myself, as you well know,” he insisted.
She rolled her eyes. “You can’t reveal your magic to everyone you come across.”
He flicked her forehead as he passed her to mount Onyx. “Well, now you sound like Gaius.”
She smacked his hand away. “Don’t be rude, or I’ll take back Onyx.”
He chuckled. “Take her. I never wanted to accept such a gift anyway.”
She gave a pointed glance at the amount of things packed onto the horse. “You wouldn’t have even made it to the gate before nightfall, with all that stuff on your back.”
“Your dagger would have been the first thing I dropped to lighten the load.”
“I’ll tell you where you can shove that dagger.”
Merlin laughed, heartily. “You have been spending way too much time with the knights. Really, what would Leon say if he heard you?”
She raised an eyebrow. “He’d fall over himself to ask for my hand in marriage, what else?”
“I expect an invite to the wedding.”
They were joking but Merlin’s heart ached when he realised he wouldn't be around to witness any of it. Not Morgana’s attempts to sway Leon to court her, nor their inevitable wedding—because Sir Leon would surely come around. Merlin thought he was probably just waiting for Uther to keel over.
“Of course. You can be my maid of honour,” she grinned.
Merlin kicked her shin playfully and grabbed the reigns. “That’s the final straw. I’m leaving.”
Morgana’s smile faltered and she squeezed his hands. “Take care. And don’t worry, I’ll give him a good beating when he finally leaves his room.”
“Give him hell,” he said, meaning it with his whole heart while also not meaning it at all. How stupid was that ?
With one final nod, Merlin was off.
The sun was still high when he left the castle gates, only turning back once to look at Arthur’s window. He wondered what he was doing right now. He forced himself to push down that thought, and any others about Arthur, and continued on. Thinking about him brought too much hurt with it.
When he neared the border, Merlin hopped off the horse and placed his hands on the earth. He whispered every protective ward he could think of, then allowed his magic to take the reins and let it flow freely out of him, with nothing but the intent to protect.
As angry as he may be at Arthur, too many of his loved ones lived alongside him. Whatever threats Arthur would face—and he was sure there would be many —his friends and family would face them as well.
When he felt his magic settle deep into the soil and wrap around every last tree, he got up and took one last look at the Kingdom he’d given up everything to protect. How ironic that now he was being forced to give it up.
He got back on his horse.
By sundown, Merlin was well out of Camelot and he didn’t look back.