Chapter Text
My bones feel as if they were hollowed out and filled with lead, my stomach feels as if I’ve suddenly developed the diet of a gronckle and have been eating nothing but rocks for the past few months. My eyes are dry, my head feels like an overrung belltower, and my limbs ache. There aren't enough words to describe the depth of exhaustion I feel at getting almost no sleep for months on end due to the midnight cries of my infant daughter. But despite the unignorable realty of my faintness, I still wake up when I feel the empty spot next to me on the bed, I still sit up when my dump tired brain processes that Hiccup is gone, and I still stand up and follow the sound of light humming coming from the other room. I push open the cracked door and see Hiccup humming an old Berkian lullaby while staring in awe at our daughter, rocking back and forth in our rocking chair. He looks away from her when I begin to hum along with him, giving me a slightly apologetic look.
“Sorry I didn’t mean to wake you.” He says as his gaze quickly returns back to the baby girl in his arms and he continues to rock her.
“You didn’t, well the humming didn’t. I just have a hard time sleeping without you there with me.” I say as I walk over to my husband and daughter. Daughter . The new but oh so beautiful phrase still brings that new kind of singing love to my stomach, it's unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. I’ve never been the lovey dovey type, my love as always seemed pretty limited. I had selected people I loved so much that I'd kill for them and it didn’t feel like I had much more love to give, and I didn’t want to. But when Zephyr was born it felt as if I had infinitely more love to give, and it was all for her.
Hiccup smiles, and still doesn’t look away from her wide, curious blue eyes that stare up at him as if he’s her whole world. “I heard her crying.”
“Aw, you wanted me to get more sleep.” I say in a teasing tone, “How sweet.”
He snorts, “You think way too highly of me. I’m selfish. I just wanted her all to myself.”
I shake my head, laughing as I lean on the chair’s arm and stare down at the beautiful little thing we made together, every bit as entranced as he is.
“I never understood before, but now I do.” He says reverently.
“Understand what?” I say as I lean down to stroke Zephyr’s cheek.
“Why my dad did what he did” My eyes break away from Zephyr to stare at him, and he meets them. “I mean, I knew he loved me. But I didn’t really know you know?”
“I do.” Because I do in fact know exactly what he’s talking about, even before he’s completely explained it.
“I get it, I know exactly what was going through his head, absolutely nothing. Because I knew the second I held her, that it would never even be a question for me if I was put in his position.”
Zephyr then gives a small cry, clearly upset that her daddy stopped looking at her. At her sound of distress both me and Hiccup instantly focus their attention on her again. He chuckles and moves his hand to stroke her head, but before he can she grabs his finger and pulls it to her mouth.
I let out a slight laugh as I watched her odd display of affection, and I knelt down to get closer to her. “It really is strange isn’t it? It’s like, before her there were so many things I cared about, so many things I worried about. And now, they're all so much smaller. I feel so much more now than I ever did before and it’s all for her.” I whisper as I tickle her tummy and she gives a little baby laugh.
Hiccup smiles and takes my hand from her stomach, brings it to his lips and kisses it. “Thank you, so much.”
“For what.”
He squeezes my hand. “For giving her to me, for making me a family, for being my family.”
I stand up slightly so I can rest my forehead against his, “Thank you for being mine, and for the record you also had a hand in making her.”
“True,” he says grinning, “But I didn’t do nearly as much work.”
“You're sure as hel right you didn’t.” I almost instantly cover my mouth after I say that. “Oh shit, I probably shouldn’t say that around her. Oh! I probably shouldn’t say that around her either.”
Hiccup laughs and so do I, Zephyr joins us and claps her little hands. I lean my head on his shoulder and whisper “Hiccup?”
“Yeah?” He asks quietly.
“Do you think I’m a good mom?”
“Astrid!” He says accusingly, as me even having to ask the question is the greatest insult I could ever throw at him.
“I mean,” I sigh and look to the side. “You know I’ve never been to nurturing, or soft, and I’m just worried that even though I love her I’m gonna mess her up somehow and she’s gonna hate me and-”
“Astrid,” He turns my face towards his, giving me the most warm comforting smile I’ve ever seen. He never fails to give me butterflies, and I doubt he ever will. “Astrid, I think you're the best mom.”
And somehow, at this point, I don’t think any complement will ever be able to match that one.