Chapter Text
Swimming had always been Est’s sanctuary. The noise and chaos of the world was swept away in the silence that engulfed him underwater.
But not today. The first bite of the cold water hit him as he started his swim. He swam with sharp, relentless strokes, trying to drown out William’s voice from last night but the small, pained voice calling “It hurts so much Phi” kept ringing through his head.
Est wasn’t sure how he’d got here. He’d always been focused on swimming, sure that that was wanted to do with his life, the early morning drills a routine that he’d lived his life by. It was safe, quiet, steady, known.
And then acting happened after one random encounter with his senior.
“Just one day,” he’d said, “You’ve got the face for it.” He’d agreed, thinking it would be a funny story he’d tell his friends.
But one audition and he’d been swept away into a new world. One where his every action and word was monitored and dissected. He hadn’t even had a series out, just news of his casting, when he’d realised what he’d walked into.
People watched him, commented on him, and posted about him. They’d send him anonymous messages saying “I love you Est” or “You’re my soulmate” or “I’d die for you Est”.
People followed him around and made fan pages for him. It was terrifying how much people seemed to know about him, even things he’d previously never mentioned.
But as scary as the attention was, the minute the camera turned on, he felt the same calm that he found underwater drift over him. He found it thrilling to inhabit another person, to live in worlds other people imagined.
He thought he’d found a friend in his co-actor Meen, someone he could trust, someone comfortable, someone he hoped he could work long term with. But after the show and the promotions, Meen was just gone. No explanations, no warnings.
Next thing he knew he was reading about a new pairing between him and another one of their coactors and Est was left behind. The betrayal stung more than he’d expected but he picked himself up and tried to move on.
He tried to balance everything, swimming, acting, school and the media attention, but the cracks started showing. He found himself getting smaller roles, less screen time. It felt like something was missing, a tension that not even swimming could erase.
Then he met Joong. Joong who was confident, kind and grounded in a way Est had forgotten people could be. They’d met at an audition and at first they’d just fallen into an easy friendship. Joong didn't pry, didn't push or try to fix things. He just stayed and listened.
And Est learnt to breathe again.
They began dating quietly, careful not to attract attention, sharing meals and quiet laughter. It wasn’t perfect, Joong had an established acting partner so was often busy thanks to his work but they made the best of the little time they had together. They spent time with their friends, went on quiet trips and learned to build a normal life outside the camera. For the first time in a while, Est felt safe.
He’d thought that was how life would be. Swimming, acting, studying, Joong, until he’d got the call. Another audition, casting for the lead of a project that had been in the works for years. He’d gone for the audition not expecting anything, he’d been burnt too many times and knew better, but two weeks later he sat at GMMTV office reading through a contract that he’d never expected to receive.
Though they hinted that the pairing would be a one off due to the other actor’s main job as an idol, Est signed the contract anyway, hopeful that it would help Est rebuild his career and offer more opportunities.
And that was how William walked into his life.
He’d expected another polite co-star, another temporary partnership built for promoting the group. But from the very first table read, William was electric, the chemistry between them undeniable. He commanded Est’s attention every time he walked into a room.
William had been polite but distant at first, careful with his words. Est braced himself for another short partnership, someone else who would fade from his life once the project ended, but something changed after his graduation.
Est became friends with the warm hearted, bright eyed boy beneath the silence. The one who remembered how he liked his coffee and that he disliked pork. The one who asked about his day even when he was exhausted.
He was blown away by the quiet strength of William’s performance when they filmed the trailer. He’d expected someone green, someone who needed some guidance to find his way. But William would close his eyes and open them as Thame, speaking words that drew Est in like nothing before.
William was focused, almost reverent at work and Est found himself watching more than he should have. He moved through scenes with intention, every gesture and glance filled with meaning and when their eyes met, Est sometimes forgot the next line entirely.
Filming for the trailer wrapped but Est still found himself looking forward to their late night conversations, to the ease of William’s company, to the warmth he left in his wake.
And then the trailer was released and the backlash came. Vicious comments judging them, their partnership, William’s commitment, Est and his face, body and work. It had been loud and unrelenting and Est felt he was drowning under the hate. But worse was watching William suffer, the bright eyed, kind boy now quiet and dim.
So he went to his house, offering to walk away, hoping that it would protect his smile. But William had grasped his hands, looked up at him in all sincerity and asked him to stay.
And Est had looked at those gentle eyes, and had been unable to say anything but yes. And some deep part that he wished remained silent, had whispered, “You can never walk away from this boy with the golden voice.”
The encounter shook Est. He tried to spend more time with Joong to get the thoughts out of his head. But Joong also was busier between filming his new show, meetings about his new boy band, recordings and practice. Est tried to find the time to make space for them, to go back to what they had been before but it was difficult. He told himself it was temporary, the industry was demanding and Joong was finally working towards his long held dream and that things would calm down once both projects settled.
But weeks passed and Joong’s absence stretched longer, messages going answered, calls cut short. Even when they met, Joong seemed a million miles away, one hand on his phone all the time. And in the gaps left behind was William.
He didn’t plan it that way, but William had a way of showing up for Est. A quick joke after a long day, a warm smile when things went wrong, a snack when he forgot to eat.
He caught himself watching William instead of acting. The way he tilted his head when thinking, the way his lips would quirk when someone said something funny but he was trying not to laugh, the way his lashes kissed his cheek when he slept, the way he smiled, soft and hesitant.
It unnerved him at first, this attention he paid to this kid he’d barely known for a few months, but when William turned to him grinning like a child, Est found himself wanting to see his smile again, to be the one who caused it.
The breaking point with Joong came on their first anniversary. Joong had promised to meet him for dinner but Est had been waiting for two hours, dinner cold on the table, Joong nowhere to be seen. The clock ticked past eleven, when Joong finally walked in, fatigue all over his face.
He took one look at the table and Est’s drawn face and let out a groan. “Sorry, I forgot.”
Est forced himself to reply calmly. “You promised to show up. It’s our anniversary.”
Joong sighed, annoyed. “You know how it is right now. Things are insane at work. I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you.”
“Your Instagram story said you were at a dinner, showed you laughing with others.”
“Est, please. It was a work dinner. Why are you making this harder than it already is?” Joong asked, rubbing one hand over his face.
Est remained stubbornly silent. Joong went on annoyed. “It’s not like you are available now when I’m free either. You are busy with your work too.”
“So it’s a problem that I have new work now? I thought you were happy for me.”
“I am, but let’s not pretend it hasn’t made things harder for us.” Joong continued unaware or uncaring of the anger building in Est. “You knew this was how things were when we got together. You used to be okay with it. You knew that I wouldn’t always be able to make time.”
Something in Est cracked. He’d been holding everything in for weeks, the distance, the unanswered messages, the broken plans. The words spilled out before he could stop them.
“William’s busy too, but he still makes time.”
Joong’s head snapped up, eyes narrowed in disbelief and Est instantly regretted the words. “What did you just say?”
“Joong, I didn’t mean..”
But Joong’s bitter laugh stopped him. “No, I get it. Let’s address the elephant in the room, you like that boy. That’s what this is really about. Do you think I don’t see the way you look at him?”
“Joong please..”, Est reached for him, panic rising. Joong pushed his hands away.
“Maybe you should spend your time with William instead.” Joong threw out before grabbing his bag, anger radiating off him in waves. “If he even wants you that is.”
The door slammed before Est could say another word. He stood there for a long time, Joong’s words ringing in his head.
He hadn’t meant to say it, hadn’t even realised how true it was till the words were slipping out. But William did make time for him. He showed up every time, cared for him every time, noticed him every time.
And the realisation frightened him. He picked up his phone and opened Joong’s contact. He typed, ‘I’m sorry. Please come back’ and stared at the message. He deleted it and put the phone away.
Joong didn’t text, didn’t call. Est went through the motions like nothing was wrong, showered, had coffee, showed up at work, filmed his scenes. He avoided thinking about Joong but he couldn’t avoid thinking about William.
The script that day called for a kiss scene, the first one since shooting began. They’d rehearsed everything, the lines, the blocking. But the normally unflappable William was struggling. Est studied him worried. Had he done something? Made him uncomfortable somehow? Had he noticed what Est was beginning to feel?
They tried several times, getting worse and worse with each take before the director called for an end to the day. William bolted, uncaring of Est calling out for him.
Est replayed it in his head, the hesitation in William’s movements, the tension in his body as he placed a hand on his neck. Guilt bloomed and settled heavy in his stomach. Maybe Est really had made him uncomfortable. Maybe he’d crossed a line. Maybe William was struggling not with the scene but with him.
The next day he offered to pick William for work hoping to ease the tension. He rehearsed what he could say, how he could act, but the second William slid into the passenger seat quiet and distant, every plan flew out the window.
The conversation started heavy and awkward but halfway through their conversation William mentioned that he’d never kissed anyone and Est lost his head. At first he was relieved. Relieved he hadn’t made him uncomfortable, hadn’t upset him. But then something else rose in its place, something sharp and urgent, desire. He found himself wanting to kiss William.
His mouth worked before his brain could stop it. And before he even realised what he was doing, he was reaching across, pulling William close and meeting his lips with his own. The kiss was soft at first, hesitant, but William leaned into it, and the tiny motion made Est’s chest ache with relief. He let himself linger, feeling every tremor in William’s body, the way the heat of his skin pressed against his, the way he moved as if attuned to Est’s movements.
The world outside ceased to exist, every noise muted, every thought silenced. There was only this moment, only William, warm and alive in his arms, feeling impossibly right, like he belonged there.
And for the first time in a long while, Est felt like he was finally home.