Chapter Text
“Hey, James and the giant peach, turn your camera and mic on, Steve’ll be on any second and I need your input.”
Bucky glared at the screen, which only had Tony’s frowning face on it. Soon it would have Steve’s smiling face on it, and Bucky didn’t know he was going to deal with it. But he knew for sure that he most definitely would not, under any circumstances, be turning on any device that let Steve know it was him.
It had been three months. Not that Bucky was counting… Facebook was counting for him.
He waited a second to make sure Steve wasn’t going to make a sudden appearance on the call before hitting the spacebar to temporarily unmute himself. “I told you, Tony, you’re not paying me for input, you’re paying me to build sensors, I’m not required to be on this call at all according to my actual job description. So I will be sitting here working on what you actually pay me for, and listening, that is it. Complain all you want, but that’s all you’re getting. You can change that by changing my salary.”
Screen Tony rolled his eyes, but was cut off by the blinking of another person entering the call.
Steve. The camera adjusted and Bucky took a deep breath. Steve looked good. He looked tired, maybe a little more grey in his beard? But he looked good. Bucky knew that he wasn’t currently in New York so it must be a makeshift office of some kind in D.C, there was a plant behind him, but not much else.
Steve rubbed a hand over his mouth while he waited for the audio to connect, and then that deep rumbly voice came through the speakers. “Hey, Tony, how is it going?”
“Uncle Steve! I’m doing good, how’s the capital life? Seeing lots of museums, enjoying all the old people things?”
Bucky chuckled a little sadly. He missed giving Steve crap for being old.
“It’s different, I miss a lot of things about New York, but I’m doing good. Who else is on the call with us?”
Steve missed a lot of things about New York. That was so good to hear instead of read.
Bucky had made absolutely sure that his name would not at all be displayed to Steve, his employee number the only thing next to the black box that was supposed to be his camera display.
“Oh, this is my Buckaneer, he’s being annoying and saying I don’t pay him enough to be on the call, so he’s just listening, whatever the fuck that means.”
That line between Steve’s eyebrows appeared. “Buckaneer?”
Fucking Tony, he had better not blow his cover, he didn’t want Steve knowing.
“Yeah, my second in command, you already know he’s working on the sensors for Jarvis, he’s my right hand man who’s a little more left, my top engineer if I wasn’t including myself.”
“You always include yourself, Tony, god shut up.” Bucky groaned into his hands, and pulled out his phone to keep himself busy. He had told Tony he would be working, but with that voice and face in front of him for the first time in three months there was no way that was happening.
Steve was nodding. “Well, hopefully eventually we’ll talk a little more in depth about everything, but I did receive the blueprints, so I do appreciate that…”
He was searching for a name, he was trying to get Tony to tell him his name.
Thank god for Tony being an ass. He instantly turned the conversation towards the requirements Bucky had drawn up and the actual business started. Bucky tuned out for most of it, he already knew everything Tony was bringing up and didn’t really care about the other business things.
He spun around in his chair and opened his camera. What should he post today? He was on day 76 of his “things I love about life” challenge that if anyone asked he had started spontaneously with absolutely no other motive. No had one asked yet, but Sam was constantly teasing him for it.
Well, fuck Sam and his dumb messages. He’d sent Bucky a friend request about a week after the news explosion and Bucky had accepted it thinking it’d be a way for him to talk to Steve. But no, Sam just wanted to be an ass and gloat about his proximity to Steve and how often he got to see him.
It was everyday, Sam got to talk to Steve every fucking day and Bucky was left constantly stalking Steve’s Facebook to see if he’d posted anything. It was dumb. He hated it. Sam hadn’t even told Steve he talked to Bucky. So rude.
“Yes, we have the groundbreaking scheduled for next week, and the foundation should be in within a month. This is my biggest project and I’m putting a lot of my men on it so sticking to schedule should go smoothly.”
“It had better, that’s what my dad pays you for, Steve.”
He had already posted about a lot of the broader things in his life, and had gotten to the point of posting incredibly random details because his life was kind of boring, and he’d been in too much of a funk to do much about it. And no, Natasha, that did not mean he was depressed, thank you very much.
For a second he considered posting something related to the conference call, but if Steve was using his brain, doubtful but he did occasionally, then he could connect the dots and Bucky didn’t want that. So he spun in his dumb little cubicle looking for inspiration. He rarely used his cubicle, preferring to stay in the lab, but Tony was conferencing from the lab, and he couldn’t risk being seen in the background.
His phone pinged with the dumb messenger sound.
Hey, guess what I’m doing right now?
Fucking Sam, Bucky did not want to know.
What?
Making Steve’s lunch. Do you think he’d want mustard or mayonnaise on his sandwich?
What an asshole. Why in the world was Steve friends with this idiot?
We both know Steve doesn’t like mustard. He is a white Irish stereotype if there ever was one.
He didn’t get a response. Why did he have to deal with so many assholes in his life? Ugh.
He was not moping. To prove it he set down his phone and opened his laptop, leaving the conference call open on his desktop. He started working through some of the code involved with expanding Jarvis’s capabilities and pretended to focus on it. Tony had finally given him access once he’d pointed out that he had to make sure both the sensors and the AI were upgraded and compatible.
It’s not his fault he couldn’t focus on it, Steve’s face was right there, being all businessy and perfect. God, he was hot when he was working. Bucky hadn’t had a chance to really see that side of him, besides the occasional client phone call Steve would get when they were spending time together. But it really suited him, he looked confident and assured.
He didn’t look depressed, which made Bucky’s heart beat a little easier.
Steve suddenly looked up and behind the screen, obviously talking to someone who had just entered the room.
“Lunch for ya, figured you hadn’t eaten yet.”
“Oh, thank you, Sam, you’re the best.”
Bucky pursed his lips and took a deep breath, because seriously, fuck Sam. Sam was not the best, Bucky was the best, Steve had told him. The fact that he had the ability to make Steve food and see him, and had an office for him in his house didn’t mean shit.
It was back to business until his phone pinged again.
Aw, you remembered. Steve said he loved his sandwich, btw.
Bullshit, Steve hadn’t said that and he hadn’t even taken a bite yet. Not that he could tell Sam he knew that.
He replied with a complete wall of the middle finger emoji to make himself feel better about it.
Which was kind of inspiring. He screenshotted the messages, cropped everything out except the wall of emoji and pulled up Facebook.
Day 76 of things I love, the ability to send someone such a beautiful message with hardly any effort. Emojis are life, and assholes are annoying. I love being able to respond appropriately.
Ha, fuck Sam.
It was a less Steve-centric post but it would be fine. Normally he tried to include some kind of memory from their time together, but some days he just wanted to vent. Steve would let him vent, Steve would understand.
Bucky sat back and watched Steve’s face on the screen again. He missed that face, he missed kissing that face, and he missed getting reactions from that face. It really wasn’t fair that he had to be so far away and pretend that everything was fine.
Everything wasn’t fine, he knew he was getting maudlin again, but honestly, his life sucked and he just wanted that to be fixed. He wanted Steve back, he wanted their evenings together back, even the dumb long conversations that were confusing and hard, he’d take those back in an instant. Because having those back would mean Steve was back.
A phone call lit up his phone, it was Natasha. She had been a lot more involved in his life since Steve had left. They called often when he was at work, and all three of them spent more evenings together than not. It was nice, even though it was a constant reminder that they were keeping him from spiraling.
“Hey, Nat.”
“Hey, you still on the conference call?”
“Yup.”
He heard her sigh and winced a little. He hated how stressed he was making her lately. “Well, go on, tell me. How is he?”
He leaned back in his chair and stared at the screen, filtering out the words and simply watching the expressions flickering across Steve’s face. He hadn’t truly smiled much during the entire call… “He’s good. He looks good, he’s in some kind of office at Sam’s house. I don’t know, though, you know how good he was at hiding shit when he’s in business mode. Sam seems to think he’s fine though, so I guess he is.”
“What’s he wearing?”
Bucky laughed at the tease in her voice, but couldn’t blame her. He wore the tie from Steve as often as he could, even around the house. She thought it was dumb that he hadn’t even undone the knot.
“Shut up…. It’s a red tie today, I don’t know that I like it. He looks better in darker ties, I think it’s the blonde hair. No suit jacket though, it’s a good look.”
At that moment Steve reached up to adjust the tie as he answered another question from Tony. Bucky made sure he was still muted.
“Hm, well, we’re taking you out tonight, so as soon as you get off you’re taking a shower, putting on the clothes I lay out for you and we’re gonna get a little drunk, all of us need it.”
It sounded appealing while also sounding horrible. “Aren’t we a little old for getting drunk on a Thursday?”
“Oh, please, it just means the club won’t be as crowded.”
He shrugged, too miserable to really object. “Okay, this is the last thing I have to do today so as soon as they’re done talking I’ll get out of here.”
“You sound sad, James, cheer up. The news said his first meeting between the lawyers and everything is happening tomorrow, that’s good, it could be over sooner than we thought.”
Bucky actually laughed at that. “Come on, Nat, you know nobody believes that. She’s gonna drag this shit out for as long as possible. And it’s called mediation.”
“Whatever, be sad then, but you’re still going out and we’re all going to enjoy ourselves. You need to get laid.”
“Nat, I will fucking hang up on you, don’t think I won’t.” She really needed to shut up with the getting laid nonsense. He knew he was being annoying with everything, but getting some random guy’s cock in his ass is not what he needed. She knew that, she just liked being obnoxious.
“Come on, it might make you feel better, relieve some tension.”
He rolled his eyes and hung up on her. It wasn’t the first time, she’d be fine. He didn’t need tension relief, he needed Steve, and it wasn’t fair that he couldn’t even talk to him.
Whatever, he had shit to do, and if he was going to have to go out tonight he needed to get some of tomorrow’s work done before he left today. He put his phone down and woke up his laptop again.
When Steve signed off of the conference call he did a dorky little wave at the camera. “You guys have a good weekend, hopefully we’ll sit down and chat again soon, especially about those sensors. I’d love to go over the details on the updates.”
Bucky couldn’t resist using the chat function to send a simple Have a good weekend, Steve.
Steve probably wouldn’t be having a good weekend, not with the divorce finally getting underway. Bucky wished he could reference that without being creepy, but oh well. Steve would know that Bucky was thinking about him and supporting him.
Right?
—%—
Sam was mad at him, but Steve didn’t care. He had packed an overnight bag at the little tiny apartment he’d rented and brought it to Sam’s house so he could use Sam’s home office and stay the night before he left for New York in the morning.
After he finished the conference call he’d changed into his sweats and a t-shirt and claimed his corner of their couch to spend some time drawing. That had been a few hours ago and his phone was dying. It was propped on his knee while he sketched, a picture he’d stolen off of Bucky’s Facebook page opened to give him a reference to work with. He just wanted to finish the details before he moved, not wanting to run out of steam.
“Hey,”
Steve glanced up and quickly lifted his pencil when Sam dropped gracelessly onto the couch next to him. When it seemed like he'd settled in, Steve went back to it, still focused.
“What?”
“You know when I told you to go back to drawing for fun I didn’t expect you to actually do it.”
“Then why’d you tell me to?” The distraction was still obvious in his voice as he glanced back at his phone to make sure he’d gotten the shadow of an ear right.
“Because you were moping, and I can’t stand that. Now you’re just quiet and focused. It’s a nice look on you.”
“Thanks.” His phone beeped at him, he was down to ten percent. All he needed to do was finish the shading on his jawline and he could do the rest from memory.
“How many of those have you drawn?”
Steve couldn’t help rolling his eyes. “Pictures? You gave me this notebook Sam, you know how far I am into it.”
“Yeah, but like, of Bucky, I mean.”
Steve’s hand slowed to a stop and he sighed. He had a folder on his phone of pictures he’d pulled from Bucky’s social media, the folder also had a screenshot of every one of Bucky’s posts to him. He had dedicated this notebook almost entirely to Bucky. The first few pages had been practicing to get back into sketching people, but everything else was either Bucky, or a copy of whatever picture he had posted. He didn’t have nearly enough pictures to make him happy, but he had finally relearned the skills necessary to take reference pictures and sketch entirely new settings and poses. It helped.
Why Sam wanted to harp on this all of a sudden was unknown.
“What do you want, Sam?” He sighed again, finally looking up at his friend.
Sam had his therapist face on. “You miss him.”
Steve grit his teeth and went back to sketching. “Your point?”
“Is that why you won’t let me go with you tomorrow? No support if you can’t have the support you want?”
“Sam, can you please give it a rest?”
“He’s right, though, Steve.”
Steve groaned and clicked his phone off. Riley was involved now which meant this was going to be an actual conversation. He looked up just as Riley dropped down next to Sam. Steve appreciated that neither of them were crowding him. Touch felt different after Bucky.
“I know, and I understand why you guys don’t like it. But you both have jobs, and I am going to be in New York for at least two days. I can’t ask you to cancel on that many clients. Besides I also don’t want to be in a car, and you,” he looked pointedly at Riley. “Don’t want your husband on a motorcycle, so it’s not my fault I can’t take him.”
“Come on, man, that’s such a dumb argument. I can take my car, you can take your motorcycle, you just don’t want support so you’re making up dumb excuses.”
“Matt and Foggy are both going to be there, I’ll be fine.”
“Your lawyer and his assistant don’t count.”
Steve only shrugged, trying to cut the conversation off.
“Come on, man, you’re really worrying me with this.” Sam actually sounded worried, which wasn’t unusual with how Steve’s life was going, but normally Sam tried to hide it with humor to make Steve feel better.
“Sam,” Steve had the decency to put his sketchbook on the side table and turn to mostly face the two therapists. He was glad they hadn’t gone full therapist on him yet, but judging by their matching frowns he didn’t have long till they took that approach. “Look, I understand, I do. And you’re right, I do really want Bucky with me.” And that took so much work to say without his voice breaking. They didn’t understand how much he wanted Bucky next to him tomorrow. “But that’s not an option, and I understand that you guys want to help, but I need to do this by myself.”
Riley sat up a little straighter, leaning in, one hand settling onto Sam’s thigh between them. “You don’t have to do it by yourself, we want to help you, we want to be there for you.”
“I know, and I appreciate it. But…” He tried to get his thoughts in order, to truly be able to tell them why he didn’t need them there. “I need to prove to myself that she doesn’t control me anymore. I need this to be all me. She fucked me over multiple times, the manipulation, the affair, and I just need to know that I can handle her by myself.”
He was met with silence for long moments, both of his friends considering as they watched him, and then turned to look at each other. They had one of their silent conversations that Steve had never been able to follow, and finally turned back to him.
Sam brought his hand up to clasp Steve’s shoulder gently. “Okay, alright, you do your thing, but I swear to you, man, if I even think that you struggled too much by yourself you won’t be able to keep me out of that courthouse next time, you hear?”
Steve reached up to pat Sam’s hand. “That’s how it is?”
Sam broke into a grin at their little joke. “Yeah, that’s how it is.”
He nodded, finally smiling. “Okay, if I need you next time you’ll be the first to know.”
They both nodded and Steve thought that was all. He picked his sketchbook back up, but stopped when Sam didn’t lift his hand.
He looked back up. “What?”
Those expressions were full therapist now. Calm and collected, while still being worried and focused.
“Sketching is an incredible outlet, and we’re both really glad that you’re using it. But maybe it’s time to consider actual therapy… I can give you a few names, you can try a couple of them to see if they can help you.”
Steve stared at Riley, not really sure how to say no. They’d both been mentioning it on and off since he moved here, but he’d never needed therapy before and he didn’t really like the idea of spilling his guts to a stranger.
The concern was palpable though, and he couldn’t deny that there were days when he wanted to lose himself in meaningless activities so he didn’t have to think, or rock the scales in the other direction by doing absolutely nothing and staring into space.
Maybe that meant he needed more help than he was willing to admit.
He finally sighed. “If I promise to look into it when I get back can we drop the subject?”
“You know we only bring it up cause we care, right?” Sam’s expression was tight and worried, and it hurt to look at. He hated that he worried people this much. He used to be a lot better at hiding the shit he was dealing with.
“I know, it’s just hard.”
Riley leaned forward again, the calm expression on his lightly tanned skin a stark contrast to the worried one on Sam’s darker complexion. “You promise? You’ll actively look into it?”
Steve nodded, knowing he’d follow through no matter how uncomfortable it was. “I promise.”
They nodded and relaxed into each other. Steve tried not to envy the casual care they showed in their actions. He missed sharing that connection with Bucky. It’d been so long since he’d felt that.
Eventually Riley broke the tension by turning the conversation to dinner. Steve ignored them and went back to his sketching.
A few minutes later his phone died, but he simply set it on the side table and kept going by memory. No matter how many times he drew Bucky he could never get everything right. Sometimes he managed the eyes okay, though he never could catch all the emotion they held. Other times his nose was off, or the quirk of his lips. This time he’d done a pretty good job, but he kept going back over the way the hair fell across his face, the life of it wasn’t there, no matter how happy the expression of the sketch was.
It reflected his own current emotions more than the memories he was pulling on.
A plate appeared at his elbow eventually, he glanced up to smile in thanks but barely ate anything. His stomach was in knots, and he really only wanted one thing, one touch.
When he finally set the sketch aside and went into the guest room to charge his phone it was past midnight. What was Bucky up to? Was he missing Steve? Being without him was agony if Steve spent too much time thinking about it.
He went to bed with the screen open to Bucky’s contact number. He didn’t remember when he’d saved it, but he couldn’t bear to forget the string of numbers. So, as with so many other nights in the past three months, he fell asleep staring at the digits and the simple necktie emoji that labeled them.
It wasn’t nearly as comforting as he wanted it to be.
— % —
Bucky was past tipsy, but wasn’t quite past the sulky stage yet. Another couple of shots and he’d be clear into the fun side of drunk, but for now he was staring glumly at the table, wishing he’d never let Natasha trick him into this.
She’d brought him to the same fucking club that he’d met Steve in, they were even sitting at the same table.
She’d made him wear the same top he’d worn that night. He hadn’t worn it since Steve and it seemed sacrilegious to wear it again without him.
So he was sitting at their booth, waiting for Natasha to drag Clint off the dance floor and make him drink water.
Wanda appeared at his shoulder and he had to steady one hand on the table as he looked up at her.
“Hey, Bucky, how’re you doing?”
He shrugged, looking back down at the glass in his hands. He dragged his fingers through the condensation on the outside of it. It was whiskey, on the rocks, exactly what Steve always drank when they went out.
“I’m okay, how’re you and Pietro?”
She smiled and shrugged. “We’re doing good, it’s good to see you out here, it’s been a while.”
He smiled back at her, or tried to, and skirted the implied question. “Yeah, sorry, things have been busy lately.”
She shrugged again, finally setting the glass in her hand down in front of him. “Well, there’s a gentleman at the bar who wanted me to give this to you. He’s the one in the blue plaid, he’s a good one, and definitely interested.”
She smirked at him before turning on her heel and disappearing again.
His treacherous heart leaped a little, his dumb drunk mind hoping against hope. But one pass of his eyes and disappointment settled like a rock in his stomach.
She was right, the guy was good looking at least. He didn’t measure up, but he was decent. His dark hair was slicked back, he had a decent jawline, but it lacked the beard that was always so enticing. He was a few seats down from where Steve had been sitting that first night.
Bucky winced a little when their eyes met across the space. He forced himself to smile and bring the glass to his lips.
Eh, it was just beer, and not even the local one they had on tap.
He went back to his whiskey after another sip and pulled out his phone. Steve’s Facebook profile only required a single S in the search bar before it popped up and he scrolled down it. Nothing new, which was slightly disappointing. It’d been four days since Steve had posted anything, and six days since he’d mentioned missing driving the crowded streets of New York on his motorcycle.
Bucky loved thinking of the moments when they’d ridden together.
He was rudely jerked out of his thoughts by someone sliding in beside him on the booth seat. He looked up to find the man in the blue plaid smirking at him from much closer than he’d like.
“Hi, I’m Nate,”
Bucky was not drunk enough to deal with this shit. “Hi,”
“Couldn’t help noticing you’re all by yourself, and not looking happy about it.”
If only this jackass knew. “Yeah, I’m not interested, sorry. I’m here with friends, they’re just dancing.”
Instead of taking the rejection Nate slid a little closer, one arm on the back of the booth and sliding around Bucky’s shoulders.
“I’d love to put a smile on your face, even just for tonight.”
Bucky turned away from him, using everything he’d learned from Natasha and shutting down his body language. “Yeah, not really felt like smiling much lately, and there’s not anything you could do to change that.”
He picked his phone back up and kept scrolling, trying to focus his mind on the posts he’d practically memorized, but unable to ignore how close Nate was pressing.
“Oh, come on, sweetheart, just a conversation, see what it turns into.”
The use of that endearment cut way too close to the emotions Bucky was trying to shove down. It sounded so strange, it didn’t hold the warmth, or the care that Steve always used. It was nauseating in comparison.
Anger was the first reaction, his first instinct to lash out, to turn and tear into this man who dared to think he could live up to everything Bucky had seen and felt.
Before he could even get to the point of turning his head to glare he was saved by Natasha dropping an incredibly drunk Clint into the opposite side of their booth.
His gratitude was quickly pushed aside when he saw the smug happy look on her face.
The emotions swirling inside him surfaced so quickly he couldn’t stop them, was both too drunk and not drunk enough to even try to stop them.
How could she even think that this was better for him? How could she expect him to just move on and accept some other mediocre person instead of Steve and everything that Steve was?
He tossed back the rest of his whiskey to hide the burning in his eyes.
“Who is this, James? It’s wonderful to see you making friends.”
Before Nate could respond Bucky shoved him, forcing him out of the booth so Bucky could get past him. He barely remembered to grab his phone as he straightened.
“I’m done, Nat, I don’t want to be here, I never wanted to be here, and you fucking know why. I’m going home, I’ll text you when I get there.”
“Hey!-”
“Bucky, come on-”
He grabbed his jacket from the back of the booth, some still rational part of himself remembering that it was too cold to walk without one.
Ignoring Nate seemed to do the trick and he finally walked away, so Bucky leveled another glare at Natasha instead.
“I can’t believe you, you know how I feel, I never wanted to be here.”
She was frowning at him now, and reached forward to grab his arm. “Maybe it would be better if you’d just-”
He shook her off roughly, the alcohol in his system doing nothing to keep him level. “No, Nat, I’m done. Stop, god, just stop already, nothing’s going to make it better!”
She tried to grab him again, but he spun away, forcing himself past the crowd of people, desperate for air. The cold hit him in the face when he pushed the doors open, and he took gasping breaths to calm himself.
He didn’t want to lose his control, he’d held onto it so tightly the last few months.
They’d planned on taking the subway back together, but Bucky knew he’d never make it on his own, so he stepped to the curb, hailing a taxi after just a few minutes.
Natasha called him three times while they drove, but he ignored it in favor of leaning his heated forehead on the glass. His mind refused to shut down and all he could think about was Steve. The moments when he’d cared, when he’d been so soft and kind, but also so strong and dependable. His eyes burned again as he imagined what Steve would say, how he’d pull Bucky from this edge if he was here.
Maybe a hand on his cheek, fingers through his hair. Or maybe even a harsh kiss, a firm command to ‘ let daddy take care of you ’.
God, he missed being taken care of.
A sob tried to break free of his throat and he quickly brought a hand up, biting down on his knuckles to keep quiet.
By the time the taxi pulled up in front of the apartment he was a mess, not that he hadn’t been before. Now it was just much more obvious. His eyes blurred, and tears streaked his face, his hair was tangled from the times he’d hid behind it only to push it back again. “Don't hide from me, baby, let me see that face.” The echoes of Steve were in every movement, every time he brushed away a tear, every time he caught a glimpse of his outfit and was reminded forcibly of the first time Steve had stripped him down to his core.
Fuck, he missed him so badly.
He didn’t remember getting into the apartment, but somehow he’d found his way.
Another echo of another night months before guided his feet to the kitchen. Steve had made him drink water, he should drink water again. Following the ghost of the command didn’t make him feel better, but it did something to calm him.
He was unsteady, but less than he’d been when he’d left the club, so he braved the shower, wanting to clean the night from his skin.
By the time he’d finished the tears had stopped, his breathing was even, and he was back to simply feeling unsteady and tipsy.
It wasn’t any more pleasant than anything else had been, but he’d learned to cope with that lately.
Natasha and Clint got home just as he was getting dressed. He heard them stumbling their way in, Clint mumbling and, if history was anything to go by, trying to get into Natasha’s pants.
He kept his door closed, listening without caring as they passed his door to get to their own bedroom.
Work tomorrow wasn’t happening, he should have known not to do this to himself on a weeknight, but he hadn’t anticipated losing control like that. Sitting on the edge of his bed he typed out a quick text to Tony, letting him know he wouldn’t make it in. He’d make up the work later.
How absolutely pathetic. One night out, it hadn’t even been his first night out since Steve had left, which almost made it worse. How could he be losing it this badly? He’d told Steve he could be strong, he wanted to be strong.
He wanted Steve.
A knock on his door startled him so much that he dropped his phone.
He picked it up and made his way to the door, slightly impressed that he wasn’t as unsteady.
It was Nat, unsurprisingly.
“What?”
“Bucky, I’m sorry. I’m glad you made it home.”
Everything that he’d assumed she’d say, and that was not even on the list.
He didn’t have the energy to do much more than shrug. “I’m fine, I’ll see you in the morning.”
She reached out to keep the door from closing and he envied her ability to drink them under the table and still come out on top somehow. Her cheeks were flushed, but that was the only indication that she wasn’t stone cold sober.
“Can we talk? I didn’t realize… I’m sorry, I should have been listening to you, but I just assumed that you would get over him. That was wrong of me.”
The sincerity hit him in the chest, his control already fractured by the alcohol in his blood, and he couldn’t help the way he crumbled.
Natasha caught him around the waist and he clung to her. He was sobbing again by the time she got him to the bed. There was no judgment in her body language or expression as she wrapped her arms around him and stroked fingers through his hair.
“I miss him.”
She nodded, the choke in his voice not enough to keep her from understanding.
“I know you do, and I’m sorry I didn’t realize how much.”
Bucky didn’t know how long he cried, she just let him, eventually laying him on his side and pulling the covers over him. She didn’t leave though, and he was grateful for that. She sat on the side of the bed, fingers still stroking through his hair.
He finally calmed enough to reach for her again, sniffling a little, and she clasped his hand in hers.
“I’ve been trying so hard to keep going, but not having him here hurts, so much.”
She nodded, her eyes sad as she watched him. “You’ve been doing a good job, enough to fool me. You haven’t broken down once, till now, and I thought it was because you were getting over him. I’m sorry, I should have listened better.”
Exhaustion was pulling him under and he just shook his head. “Not your fault, just… Please don’t make me do that again… I don’t want to go out anymore, it hurts.”
She leaned down to press a kiss to his forehead. “Okay, I won’t push you again. I understand. Sleep, okay? We’ll talk more in the morning.”
Bucky felt exhausted in every cell of his body, but the alcohol in his system made sleep so uncomfortable. He floated between waking and sleeping for hours, any thoughts or dreams so disjointed they barely made sense at all. His anxiety for Steve and everything Steve would have to go through tomorrow was constantly there, knowing he couldn’t be there was worse than he’d imagined it would be. It wasn’t fair that he couldn’t support Steve like Daniel was supporting Peggy.
By the time the sun through the curtains woke him up he was covered in sweat and a headache was pounding behind his eyes. He groaned and rolled back over, but knew that trying to get back to sleep was useless. His unconscious thoughts had nothing on waking up anxious and unsettled.
His phone was vibrating.
What time was it? Who the hell would be calling him?
He’d forgotten to plug his phone in, it was at five percent. Great.
The call was coming through messenger and once he registered the name he quickly swiped to answer.
“Sam?”
“Bucky, I need you to listen to me, man. Sorry to wake you up but this is important.”
Bucky cleared his throat and rubbed his eyes, anxiety coming back quickly. “No, it’s okay. What’s wrong? Is it Steve?”
“Yeah, it is. I know we haven’t really called before, I just… I’m worried about him today and he’s not letting us help.”
“Is he hurt? What happened?”
Sam seemed to realize how panicked Bucky sounded and quickly dialed it back. “No, he’s not hurt, I’m sorry, no, he’s fine. He’s pretty bad off mentally, but physically he’s fine.”
Bucky finally took a deep breath and leaned back. “Oh, okay, sorry. What’s going on then?”
“He won’t let us go to his mediation with him, he’s going by himself, with just his lawyer.”
Yeah, that sounded like Steve. Too stubborn to let someone help him. “Of course he is.”
“Yeah, so I need to ask you to check in on him.” He cut off Bucky’s automatic protest and kept talking. “I know, I know you guys have your agreement to not get on Peggy’s radar, I get that. But he’s falling apart, he barely slept last night, and he’s been drowning himself in work to avoid thinking about anything. I know you guys have some kind of system set up, I don’t understand it all, but figure something out? Find some way to let him see you? He needs you, and that’s one of the reasons he doesn’t want us to go, because he wants you to be there. Can you do something, whatever it is, to let him know you’re supporting him?”
Bucky’s mind started racing, anticipation setting in. Would he have the chance to see Steve today? God knew he wanted to be there to support him. “I’ll have to think… I need to ask Natasha, she’ll have ideas. Where is he gonna be and when?”
Sam rattled off an address then seemed to think better of it. “I’ll just message it to you. His meeting is set to start at noon, he was going to meet with his lawyers before that at their office, and get to the courthouse around eleven thirty.”
“Okay, I’ll… I’ll figure something out. Thanks for letting me know.”
“Hopefully it’ll help him, he’s not doing so hot, right now.”
That hurt to hear, but at least they were in the same boat. “Yeah, neither am I… I’ll see what I can do.”
“Okay, talk to you later, man.”
Bucky was throwing off the blanket a moment later and rushing to Nat and Clint’s room. It was probably rude of him to knock so loudly knowing they all had hangovers, but this was too important.
Nat was rubbing her eyes when she answered. “What are you doing? It is way too early.”
“Yeah, I know.” His phone pinged in his hand and he looked down to see an address from Sam displayed. “Sam called me. Steve needs me, but I still can’t let the press or Peggy know we’re together. He gave me the address and time for Steve’s meeting, but I can’t just walk in and let him know I’m supporting him. How should I do it? What should I do?”
Nat grabbed a hair tie from the dresser next to the door then stepped into the hallway. She tied her hair up then reached for his phone and he handed it over.
Natasha was a genius when it came to this stuff, she’d figure something out.
Sure enough a moment later she sighed. “Okay, go take a shower, get ready, dress up, I need some time to think, but hopefully we can pull something off.”
He nodded and turned to go but she grabbed his arm.
“I mean it, shower, wash your hair, relax, I can see how anxious you are, calm down, we got this.”
He ran a hand through his hair and nodded again, a little sheepishly this time. “Okay, thank you, Nat.”
She nodded and shooed him away.
The shower was nice, even though he’d showered after the club last night. It was nice to take some time and relax. He turned the water up as hot as it would go and spent longer than necessary on his hair.
When he exited the shower it was just about ten o’clock. Nat was waiting in his room, going through his closet. Steve’s tie was already laid on the bed, along with one of his pairs of slacks.
She nodded at them and threw his black dress shirt on top of everything. “Get dressed, I have a plan.”
—%—
Steve took a deep breath to gather himself, then pushed the door open. He stepped onto the sidewalk and quickly turned to give Matt a hand out, making sure there was plenty of room so he didn’t get in the way of Matt’s cane.
Matt and Foggy were turning into a very real miracle. He had used Nelson and Murdock Law many times for his business legal dealings, but hadn’t even realized Matt did divorce cases as well until Matt himself had offered. Steve had known the guy was efficient and capable, despite his handicap, but hadn’t known the full scope until now. Steve didn’t want to think about not having these two to handle everything.
Foggy got out of the front passenger side and nodded at the driver when he closed the door. He smiled reassuringly up at Steve. “The driver’s gonna park around the block, that way when we get out you can go right there and hopefully avoid the press. You said you don’t want to make a statement, so we’re going to ensure you aren’t pressured to.”
Steve nodded. “Thank you, I really appreciate you both being here.”
Matt reached out and found his arm to give it a squeeze. “Of course we’re here, let’s go give this a try.”
They started up the stairs only for Matt to grab his arm again. “I just remembered one more thing. Have you had any recent contact with Bucky? If it gets brought up we need to be prepared.”
Steve’s heart gave that dumb little jerk that happened every time someone brought him up. He’d told both of them as soon as he knew it would be confidential, knowing that he couldn’t risk it being brought up in court without them being prepared for it. He knew Bucky would understand. “No, I haven’t. Just the Facebook posts that I told you about before.”
Another nod, then another squeeze. “I can hear your anxiety. Remember, this is just mediation. It’s not meant to be long, an hour or two at most, especially since we’re paying the mediator specifically, not the court, we don’t need to waste time on this. If it fails, it fails and we move on to the court hearing. We shouldn’t see much of her at all, separate rooms make that nice.”
Steve smiled and nodded, then remembered the man couldn’t see him. “Yeah, I know, I don’t mean to be anxious.” He laughed at himself a little, shrugging. “I’ve dealt with worse proceedings in court before, but this feels different.”
Foggy nodded at him. “It is different, everything else you’ve had us deal with is impersonal, strictly business. Looking at this like a business transaction makes it easier, but it’s much more personal than anything else. We’ll back you on anything you need today.”
The reassurance settled him a little and after another moment they set off up the court steps. They checked in and were brought directly to the room set aside from them.
Steve was grateful they didn’t catch a glimpse of Peggy. Their plan to get here early to avoid her seemed to have worked.
Now all he had to do was get through this.
They made themselves comfortable around the conference table in the room, Steve pulled out his phone to shoot a text to Sam, and Foggy pulled out a file folder. It had all of the documents they had requested from Steve, and Steve caught a glimpse of several typed items he wasn’t familiar with. Foggy laid them all out, then guided Matt’s hand to each one in a row.
Steve almost regretted how early they’d gotten here, it meant he had far too much time to think. The two other men conferred quietly, preparing for as much as they could, but he was left to his own devices.
Maybe he should have agreed to let Sam come with him.
But no, he really wanted to do this, and handle it. He wasn’t a child. He could handle his own issues without dragging anyone else through the mud with him.
By the time the door opened and the mediator stepped in Steve had to physically stop fidgeting.
“Alright, I’m Todd, I’ll be your mediator today. Mr. Rogers, right?”
Steve quickly nodded.
“Good, Margaret Rogers-Carter is set up in the other room. This is a fairly simple process, but just so there’s no confusion we’ll go through it again.” Todd had a notepad in his hands and glanced at it as he kept going. “Because Mrs. Rogers-Carter is the plaintiff, she served you papers, she will be going first. I’ll receive her offer for settlement and bring it over here to you, you and your counselors will then have the chance to offer a counter settlement, and I’ll go back to her with it. I’ll continue to go back and forth until an agreement is reached, or we determine that mediation isn’t going to come to a good conclusion. If that happens it will then be your attorney’s responsibility to get a court hearing set up and you’ll go from there. Any questions?”
When he put it like that it all seemed very simple, even though Steve still felt like there was something he was missing. Surely it wasn’t going to be as easy as he was making it sound. He shook his head anyway, pulling his business persona to the surface. “No, that all sounds good.”
Todd nodded, giving another moment before continuing. “Alright, well, I’ll step over there now, and I’ll be back with her first offer. This first step is going to take the longest, but it shouldn’t be more than half an hour. So get comfortable, and try not to stress too much, okay?”
The man smiled reassuringly and Steve nodded, trying to return the smile. He’s not sure he succeeded but Todd didn’t seem to care, and quickly left the room.
Matt found his forearm and squeezed reassuringly. “We’ll know fairly quickly if this is going to fail or not, and we already know what we want to offer as a counter. Try to relax. After this first step we’ll have more to discuss when he’s in the other room.”
“Do you have any questions, or other concerns for now?” Foggy was watching him closely, but he couldn’t read his expression.
Steve shook his head. “No, not for now.”
They lapsed back into silence. Sam texted him to check on him, he sent back a fairly honest reply. He opened Facebook, checking the time. It was just after twelve fifteen, normally Bucky didn’t post anything until later in the day, but scrolling his page might help his nerves.
He was surprised to see a new post, the time showing it had been posted just after eleven thirty, much earlier than Bucky usually posted.
I love walking New York streets and seeing the old buildings. The courthouse behind me has been standing for over 100 years! The architecture is beautiful, I wish I knew more about it, but it’s always been cool to see history in the buildings around us.
Steve smiled, shaking his head a little. He never could tell why Bucky chose to post about the things he did, but it was adorable. He looked a little closer at the picture, remembering the history that he’d learned of the columns that loomed in the background of the selfie; they were ionic columns, if he was remembering correctly. There were a few people walking up the stairs, but the focus was on the general area. In fact…
Steve stopped and thought back to when they’d arrived.
Wasn’t the building Bucky was standing in front of… the building that Steve was in right now?
He quickly tapped on the picture, zooming in past Bucky to look at the details. Bucky was standing across the street, a car was just pulling away from the curb and a trio of people were walking up the steps… Matt’s cane identified him quickly, and Steve knew that he himself was standing to Matt’s right…
Bucky had been right there… He’d been standing across from Steve, just barely out of sight…
Emotion welled up in Steve, quickly understanding that Bucky was showing Steve in the only way he could that he was supporting him. He took a steadying breath, Bucky’s particular brand of care always seemed to catch him off guard. No one else had ever cared like Bucky had, and this showed it again. Bucky had been right there, unable to stand next to Steve, but doing the next best thing.
He pinched the picture back to full size, his eyes now lingering on Bucky, taking in the details.
Bucky rarely posted selfies, and if he did it generally included other people. This picture was just Bucky, smiling gently, his hair was windswept, but it had the sleek shiny quality that meant he’d recently washed it and used a blow dryer. He was wearing an unzipped grey hoodie over a black button up shirt… and had Steve’s tie around his neck.
He had to take another deep breath, the simple claim making his heart swell. No one else would understand, but Bucky had known that Steve would… He was showing Steve’s claim, supporting him, totally in silence, but in a way that Steve wouldn’t be able to miss.
The post did more to calm him than anything else had. By the time he got around to screenshotting it and adding it to his folder, the door opened and Todd came back in.
He nodded at all of them, then placed his pad on the table, pulling a chair around to sit opposite of them. “Alright, so let’s get started. Margaret has a few things that she’s adamant about, and a few things she’s willing to be flexible on. This is the proposal they gave me.”
Foggy held out a hand, placing the paper down where both he and Steve could see it. He quietly read it aloud to Matt. “She wants… everything left in the apartment, though not the apartment itself, she makes a claim to the mountain cabin upstate. She does want… oh god, she wants the motorcycle, along with shares in Rogers Architecture and Design, claiming both are marital property… Geez…”
He continued to read while Steve’s heart started racing, his eyes scanning the page faster. No, no, this wasn’t something he could give her, what did it leave him with? He couldn’t-
A hand squeezed his forearm and he looked up to see Matt’s head tilted in his direction. “I could hear your breathing speed up. It’s alright, we expected this to happen, we have a counterclaim ready, this is not meant to be what she gets, it just gives us an idea of what her priorities are so we can align hers with yours.”
Steve nodded, forcing himself to speak through the panic. “Okay, I’m okay, just… Thank you for handling this.”
Another squeeze and a smile. “We’re doing our jobs so that you don’t have to panic. It’s alright.”
Todd seemed to agree because he also shot Steve a smile. “That’s what all of this is about, checking to see if compromise is an option. If it’s not, if there’s no way to get everything resolved, it becomes a court issue and the judge decides across the board.”
Foggy glanced up and raised an eyebrow. “Have you worked with her lawyers before? I’ve never worked with him, so I’m not sure of his strategy.”
Todd paused, opening his mouth before closing it again. Finally he shrugged. “No, I haven’t, he’s from a different district, and, just between us, it shows.”
Steve had no idea how to take the smile that touched Matt’s lips at that, but before he could ask Matt changed the subject again.
“Alright, so this isn’t going to work. According to this Steve doesn’t get much of anything except the apartment and that’s not something we’ll accept. We’ve prepared a counter proposal, which is here, we’ll keep this and talk through some more items on her list while you’re in the other room.”
Todd accepted the paper that Matt pushed across the table and stood up again. “I’ll be back shortly then.”
As soon as the door closed Foggy turned to Steve. “Steve, this is where your determination makes the most impact. She’s pushing for a lot here, which we expected, but this is the final decision on how we’re handling it. There are two ways we can go about it.”
Steve nodded to show he was listening, reaching forward to snag Peggy’s proposal and reread it.
“One, we could save everyone a whole lot of money and time and compromise with what she wants. You’ve said before that what you physically have is everything you really need, so we could offer for her to have everything she wants, barring the motorcycle and company shares. We’re not negotiable on that still, right?”
Steve nodded again. He would spend a whole lot of money to ensure that Peggy never held a single share in his company, and keeping the motorcycle was important, considering it was his only form of transportation.
“Good, so we could compromise, give her what she wants within reason and call it good. We could probably get it settled today, you walk out of here and within sixty days the judge signs off, you’re divorced. Second option, we fight for the best options for you, it’ll go to court, she doesn’t sound like she’s willing to compromise much, so it would be another several months before it’s resolved, but you’d get a far better deal.”
He stared down at the proposal, thinking things through. Compromising and being done within two months? He’d be able to get back to Bucky so much sooner than he’d thought… He could move on and rebuild, and yeah, it would suck, but it’d be so much easier.
But did he want easy? He’d compromised so much over their marriage, he’d spent a lot of time making her happy. Is that how he wanted it to end too?
Slowly he shook his head. No, he didn’t want to make it easy for her this time. “I’m not willing to compromise anymore… I’ve compromised a lot, it’s time for that to stop. She doesn’t get her way this time.”
Matt squeezed his arm again. “I was really hoping you’d say that. Good for you, we’ll handle it then.”
Foggy smiled at him, and for the first time Steve saw the calculating gaze of a lawyer in his eyes. “Let’s nail down exactly what you want, everything you want, down to the small things, and we’ll do our best work to get it for you.”
Peggy’s proposal hadn’t been very detailed. Foggy pulled out their own list that was. Early on, before he’d even left New York, they’d had him put together a list of every single item they’d owned, down to kitchen tools and bathroom items. He hadn’t realized they’d kept it. Now they went through it again. Steve remarked on every single item, ones that he didn’t want, and ones that would be nice to have back.
He’d spent a whole lot of money on the sound system that went through the living room and kitchen… Peggy had always loved their dresser far more than he had, though, it would be better to get a new one… He cooked more than she did, so having the majority of the kitchen items would be great.
By the time Todd came back Foggy and Matt both looked more scheming than he’d ever seen them.
Todd passed them back their counter proposal, now incredibly marked up.
Foggy took one look and barked out a laugh. “They can’t be serious… This is ridiculous. They simply adjusted it to fit their original proposal? Do they need to look up ‘compromise’ in a dictionary?”
Steve could feel the anxiety rushing through him, and he knew he was fidgeting too much, but Foggy didn’t offer the paper to him. He forced himself to take another breath, just because she wasn’t willing to compromise didn’t mean it was over. He’d expected this. He just had to trust his lawyers.
Todd nodded, his expression speaking volumes about how dumb he thought it was. “Yeah, her lawyer is convincing her that she can get everything on her proposal if they go to court.”
Steve couldn’t stop himself from leaning forward at that. “Wait, she could? I thought it’d be different because of her infidelity, doesn’t that make a difference?”
Matt’s calming hand landed on his arm again. “It’s alright, Steve, her lawyer is wrong.”
Todd nodded, shrugging at Steve. “Between us, it’s horrible legal advice. She wouldn’t be able to win all of that in court if she’d been a model wife and mother. And bringing her paramour to her divorce proceedings only emphasizes how much she was not a model wife.”
That hit Steve harder than he’d thought it would. “She brought Daniel with her?”
It seemed like one thing after another, more and more being added, just to make Steve’s life worse.
Todd hesitated then nodded. “I had assumed you knew that… Yes, she did. He’s with her and her lawyers in the other room.”
Steve dropped his head in his hands, Matt’s hand on his arm moving to his shoulder.
She had Daniel, and he was left to himself. He couldn’t have Bucky with him because of backlash, but she could get away with bringing Daniel and possibly be better off anyway. She was trying to take everything from him, including his company. He’d hoped that after thirteen years she’d be a little more kind about trying to ruin his life.
“Doesn’t that make some kind of difference?” Steve finally lifted his head, including all three of the other men in his question. “Doesn’t that change anything about what kind of compromise needs to happen? Shouldn’t that sway the decision in my favor?”
Todd tilted his head to one side, shrugging, but Foggy answered the question.
“Unfortunately, Steve, it doesn’t matter right now. This isn’t about actions, this is about if you two can compromise. It’s only when this goes to court that those kinds of actions will make a difference. It might not make much of a difference anyway with New York state changing to a no-fault state a few years ago.”
Todd hummed a little at that. “I don’t know about that. I mean, it’s true, New York is a no-fault state now, but a lot of our judges were around before that happened, and many of them haven’t changed their ways of dealing with infidelity. If she brings him to court with her most of our judges would be swayed toward you, current status of New York notwithstanding.”
Steve rubbed his hands across his face, trying to find his calm business mindset. “What do we do, then? She just sent back our proposal, she denied it, what… I don’t know what… God, I just want this to be over…”
There was a moment of silence while Steve collected himself, but Matt broke it after a few seconds.
“What you do is trust us to take care of it. She won’t get away with this, you’ve stated your desires and we know how to get what you need. Ours is by far the more realistic proposal, it takes into account everything, while her’s only acknowledges her wants. If she isn’t willing to compromise at all, that will also influence the way a judge views her.”
Steve closed himself off a little, letting their words wash over him while they discussed the adjusted proposal. Every few minutes Matt would place a hand on his arm and ask him about something.
“How important is the mountain cabin to you?”... “What do you think about trading the apartment in New York for the shares in your company?”... “Has she signed anything in regards to the company, especially your London chapter?”...
Most of the things he brought up Steve couldn’t care less about. He just wanted this to be over. Would it be worth it to just finish the nightmare by compromising? No.. it wouldn’t, and he knew that. He’d rather walk away with his pride after all this time, even though this sucked so much more than he’d thought it would.
Eventually Todd left the room again. Matt and Foggy continued to talk and Steve continued to stare at the floor. Occasionally Matt reassured him again that everything would work out.
When Todd came back he rolled his eyes at the lawyers. “Her counter to this, again not legally sound but her lawyers have convinced her she’ll get it.”
They looked over the paper again, again asking Steve’s opinion when they came across something to bargain for.
Steve finally collected himself enough to hone back in on the conversation.
At some point Foggy had pulled out his laptop. “Where is he getting that she deserves the entire shared checking account? It’s a marital account, by all opinions it should be split down the middle.”
“Yes, and why was her lawyer telling her she could continue to pull funds from it? She should have suspended all but the necessary bills until after everything is decided.”
“None of this is making sense, I don’t understand where she’s getting her logic.”
Steve zoned out again. Of course she would be pulling money from the accounts. He hadn’t even looked at the dumb things, handing everything over to Matt instead. It’d been a tense week or two before his check had been rerouted to his new account, but he hadn’t needed the shared account for anything since. He didn’t even want to imagine what she needed the shared account for, they each had their own for a reason.
Finally Todd stood up again, shrugging. “She won’t accept this, but I’ll give it to her.”
Matt nodded without hesitation. “We’re not willing to compromise any more than that, if she doesn’t accept it we are more than prepared to go to court.”
Todd tilted his head again, his mouth twisting. “You’ll be going to court then. I’ll be back.”
Steve ran his hands through his hair again. Why was she being so damn stubborn? She had never cared this much before.
“Alright, Foggy, if you’ll collect all of this nonsense, we’ll need to keep copies of everything she gave us. Proving that mediation failed on her part instead of ours will be important. We’ll need to get in touch with the court before the end of the day to schedule the court hearing.”
Foggy nodded, “Yeah, I’ll get that done before I leave tonight, we should be able to schedule it sometime in March, if I remember their timing correctly.”
Steve sighed heavily. March was over three months away. “What happens after the court hearing?”
They both turned back to him. Matt responded quickly. “The court hearing is where we will showcase to the judge why we believe we should get what we want. The judge can make some preliminary judgements on smaller things, I believe it’ll be in the court hearing that you keeping the motorcycle will be decided. Bigger decisions, such as the apartment and cabin will probably need additional documentation, which the judge will let us know about. We’ll schedule the actual court day to happen after that, which is where we’ll bring the additional documentation, they may ask for witnesses, things like that, and the final decision will be made. If it gets complicated sometimes a second court day is required, but in this case I can’t imagine that it will be.”
“Okay… Why is she being like this? I just don’t understand…”
Foggy smiled sympathetically. “This happens more often than you realize. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but it’ll be resolved faster than it feels.”
Todd reentered the room a few moments later, the fastest turn around of the day. “They refused, I think we can consider this a failed mediation.”
All three of them nodded, Steve more resigned than anything else.
After that it was just wrapping up, payment, and another short wait to ensure that Todd didn’t need anything else. And then they were free to go. Less than two hours all told. Steve was exhausted.
Matt stopped him from standing with a grip on his arm. “We’re going to give her a few moments to get in front of the press. If they’re busy with her they won’t hound you as much.”
It wasn’t funny, but Steve laughed anyway. “Yeah, that’s fair.”
Foggy leveled a stern stare at him. “We already decided that you’re not going to be making a statement. She has said more than enough already, and there’s not anything you can do to change that. Public opinion is in your favor still, let her do the damage she wants to do.”
Matt nodded. “You said that you don’t want to make a statement, so unless you’ve changed your mind that’s what we’re sticking with.”
“No, I haven’t changed my mind. Nothing I could say would change anything, I’d rather keep my dignity.”
Foggy smiled. “Good, then let’s practice. Mr. Rogers, do you have anything to say about your divorce?”
Steve raised an eyebrow in surprise, but shook his head. “No, I don’t.”
Matt cleared his throat pointedly. “Not quite.”
Steve went to try again, but stopped, not knowing what they were looking for.
Foggy took pity on him, smiling a little. “The correct answer is, ‘I am not available for comment, all questions should be directed to my attorney.’”
“You try it, add your business voice and it’ll be better.” Matt was definitely smiling as well.
Steve had picked a damn good attorney.
“I’m not available for comment, if you have questions you can direct them to my attorney.”
It was a little more empowering than he’d expected it to be.
Both of them nodded. Matt squeezed his arm again. “Good, that should be repeated to anyone who asks, unless they are close friends. Anyone could be a reporter, so if you don’t personally know them you’re not to give a comment. Send everyone to us, we can handle the press far better than you can.”
Steve decided to trust them on that one.
A few minutes later they exited the room, the hallway and atrium were both deserted, and when they got to the door it was obvious why.
A crowd of press cameras and microphones were set up all around the steps, and currently focused on two people.
Daniel had an arm placed around Peggy’s waist as she spoke.
The wind had apparently picked up and it kicked her hair and skirt up to swirl around her.
Matt grabbed his arm again, stopping him from pushing open the door. “Breathe, you will not be talking to them. The car is parked on the east side of the block, walk as quickly as you can but do not run, don’t even speed walk, an urgent stride should do the trick. The driver will greet you there and take you to your hotel. Spend the rest of the day decompressing. We’ll be in touch with the court date.”
Steve nodded and smiled at Foggy gratefully. “Thank you, so much, for handling all of this. I really appreciate it. I’ll look forward to hearing from you.”
“Of course, have a good day.”
“Get some rest, take care.”
Don’t run, don’t run, don’t run. He pushed through the doors, quickly moving down the steps on a diagonal so he could avoid as many of the cameras as possible. The wind was biting through his suit jacket, but he kept his head up, his eyes focused on the east corner of the city block. There was a taxi stand there, a crowd of people waiting. If he could blend in to the crowd he’d be more likely to avoid the press.
He resisted the urge to look over his shoulder, he kept his hands in his pockets and his eyes focused.
And didn’t realize someone was walking across the street toward him until they collided. Hard.
“Shit!” He quickly reached out to grab them, steadying them to keep them both from falling.
“Are you okay? I’m so sorry, I wasn’t…”
They were wearing a grey hoodie, and a black button up over slacks…
As he held them close the wind swirled and knocked the hood down off their head.
Bucky smiled up at him.
His fingers gripped onto the front of Steve’s jacket.
“It’s okay, I’m okay, Steve… Hi…”
“Bucky…” Steve stared at him. Bucky was here, he was standing right in front of him. Steve was holding him.
“Hi, we can’t stand here long, I just…” Bucky seemed to trip a little, but after taking a few steps to the side he steadied. Steve tightened his hold on him, his fingers digging into the meat of Bucky’s arms. “I’ve been here the whole time, Steve, I needed you to know that, I was here with you the whole time.”
The grey of Bucky’s eyes was so much more beautiful than he’d remembered. Steve couldn’t stop staring, couldn’t get his mouth to work.
“I love you, Steve, and I wish I could have walked in there with you. You know that, right? If you’d given me a single indication you wanted to screw the plan and have me with you, I would have. I miss you so much.”
“Bucky…” Steve raised a hand to cup Bucky’s face, but he quickly derailed that, grabbing Steve’s hand out of the air to squeeze it.
“I know, careful, we can’t let them see anything. I love you.”
The surprise slowly drained, and Steve’s mind seemed to get back on track. Bucky’s eyes glancing over his shoulder pulled reality back down around them.
Bucky had positioned them so that Steve’s back was to the press, with Bucky’s height they wouldn’t be able to see him.
“Baby, you’re a genius. Hi, I miss you so much. Oh my god, I can’t believe you’re here.”
Bucky smiled again, Steve’s own personal brand of sunshine. “Hi, I couldn’t just let you be alone, I had to see you.”
Steve stared some more, drinking him in. He looked beautiful. “Oh, baby, I want to kiss you. Thank you, you’re so wonderful, thank you for being here for me.”
Bucky blinked, and were those tears? “I know, I want to kiss you too, but this can’t look like anything more than someone running into you. If you want to screw the plan just tell me, and we can do whatever we want.”
Temptation flooded through Steve, but it only lasted a flash of a moment. Reality and sensibility were so stupid. “I want to, so badly, but I can’t. This… it’s not going to be pretty, Buck, and more than ever I need to keep you safe. She’s not being kind about this.”
Bucky nodded. “I know, you should avoid listening to her interview, it’s all bullshit.”
Steve shook his head, he had Bucky in his arms again, he didn’t want to think about Peggy. “I miss you, baby, I think about you everyday. Are you okay? How have you been?”
Bucky smiled up at him, pulling a little closer to him. With Steve holding one arm and the other hand it was almost an embrace.
“It's hard, and I miss you, but I’m okay. I’m doing okay. What about you? How’s D.C.?”
Steve shook his head. “You’re not there… Nothing makes up for that.” Everything suddenly came bubbling up inside him and he wanted to tell Bucky everything, fill him in and show him how much he’d missed him. “I got back into life drawing, I stole your social media pictures and Sam makes fun of how often I sketch you. He also made me promise to start going to therapy and talking through things, instead of just ignoring them.”
Bucky’s smile only grew wider. “God, that’s so good to hear, I’m so proud of you. Don’t let Sam be too annoying, and I want to see those sketches eventually, you never showed me any of your art before.” He squeezed his hand and glanced over his shoulder again. “Remember that I love you, and if you want me with you all you have to do is call. I’d be there in an instant. Don’t let her take advantage, she’s taken enough. Give her hell, okay?”
Steve nodded, knowing Bucky was about to walk away and desperate for this not to end. His grip tightened. “Sweetheart, I need you, god, you matter so much to me, and I miss you.”
Bucky smiled and reached up to touch his cheek quickly. “I know, I love you. I’m here, I’ll always be here for you, be safe.”
Another squeeze and Bucky stepped back. Steve felt the cold of the wind again and wanted nothing more than to pull Bucky back into his arms.
Bucky was straightening his jacket and grinning sheepishly. “Hopefully I’ll run into you again before this is finally over.”
Steve forced himself to straighten his own clothes and smile back, hoping the desperation wasn’t obvious to anyone but the boy in front of him. “Please do, I miss you.”
Another smile. “I love you. I’ll see you later.”
With that he gave a small wave and walked past Steve.
Steve forced himself not to look back and to keep walking.
— % —
Bucky glanced back only once. Steve looked so sad and so alone walking down the sidewalk.
He had to keep going, he couldn’t make this more conspicuous. He repeated Natasha’s instruction in his head. Keep going in the same direction you were when you intercepted him, don’t cover your face, don’t run, same direction, same pace. Anything else will look suspicious.
The direction would force him to go past the crowd of press. He lowered his head, blending in with the small flow of people also passing behind the cameras.
He caught a glimpse of both Peggy and Daniel, and who he assumed to be Steve’s lawyers. They were all busy speaking into microphones, looking into cameras.
He made it past and kept walking until he found the subway entrance.
His thoughts followed their own train.
What was Steve doing now?
— % —
He shouldn’t have done it. Bucky even told him not to. Sam would be furious.
He stared at the phone in his hand, paused on the recap of Peggy’s interview on the courthouse steps. He hadn’t even been able to watch all of it.
If he kept watching it he might be physically sick.
But he needed to know how she answered this one. He backed it up a few seconds and hit play.
“Mrs. Carter, you’ve already stated that your affair lasted nearly two years in secret, why not separate before now? Why wait so long to file for divorce?”
Great question, random press guy.
Two fucking years, they’d both been miserable, and it hadn’t even been worth it.
Daniel raised an eyebrow as he looked down at her, she paused for a moment but after sharing a glance with him she smiled, confidently looking back at the camera.
“Honestly, it was just easier. Steve was… blind, and inattentive. It’s not like I hid my relationship with Daniel, but Steve never even noticed. So why change when it was just fine the way it was? It was simple, doing enough to keep him happy, while also being able to experience the things I wanted. There was no reason to change anything.”
Another interviewer cut in quickly. “Until Mr. Rogers found out about it, then you decided to change things. What kind of impact does it have that you filed for divorce before he could? We’ve heard that he was going to file against you when he found out, why did you filing first make a difference?”
Peggy laughed at that a little. “You mean he may have filed, there’s no telling when he would have gotten around to it, and I didn’t want to wait around. I don’t know all of the legal jargon, but the impact on the case is minimal, if any.”
Well that was bullshit. Matt had said it wouldn’t matter in the end, but during the proceeding her being the plaintiff made all the difference. The judge would hear all of her arguments first, all of her evidence would be considered before his. Being the defendant didn’t technically matter, but it made everything harder.
Steve finally tossed the phone to the side and laid back onto the hotel bed. He sighed deeply and couldn’t help the way he felt totally alone.
He should have let Sam come with him. He didn’t want to be alone with all this backlash.
Steve was blind and inattentive. There’s no telling when he would have gotten around to it.
Why would she lie like that? After that business meeting he had been on his way to Nelson and Murdock to get the papers signed. Instead he’d been interrupted and humiliated by a legal aid and a camera. She hadn’t even given him a chance, it had literally been less than twenty-four hours since he’d found out. Matt had told him she’d probably already had them prepared.
She was dragging not only their marriage, but his entire character through the mud for no reason.
Matt had told him to relax for the rest of the day, but he couldn’t do it. He called his assistant and had her check to see if any of his appointments for tomorrow could be moved to today and headed into the office. Drowning in work was better than sitting alone with just his thoughts.
He went back to D.C. the next day, a little earlier than planned, and got back into his new lonely reality.
Sam and Riley brought him home with them for the holidays, and though he was a little like an outsider in the big family it was easier than spending it alone. And Mama Wilson’s food was worth any amount of discomfort. It was easier to get distracted when there were dozens of nieces and nephews clamoring for attention. Sam even convinced him to take a whole week off of work, delegating a lot of things to Fury over the week of Christmas.
Matt continued to stay in touch, pulling out the last of the wrinkles so they would be prepared for the court hearing. It was set for March fifteenth and it seemed so far away.
After Christmas he threw himself back into work, traveling back and forth between New York several times to work on different projects.
Sometimes he wondered if life was supposed to feel this surreal. Peggy was trying to ruin everything he’d worked for, and it seemed like the world just didn’t care.
The sun continued to set, clients continued to call.
He lowered his head and went back to work.
— % —
Bucky’s Christmas was a family affair, as it always was. He flew home to Indiana, using every ounce of his energy to keep them from getting suspicious about his mood swings. He hadn’t shared any information about his boyfriend with them, had barely mentioned that he’d had one and lost one, but it didn’t keep them from being nosy idiots.
It was almost a relief to get back to New York and back into his schedule. Natasha and Clint continued to be supportive and wonderful, though their nights out on the town no longer included Bucky. Which he was fine with.
It was a surprise when he arrived in the office just a few days after New Years to find a new contract on his lab table.
Tony just raised an eyebrow, his brand of sarcasm obvious. “Well, you’ve been complaining about your pay, so I raised it. Sign it and you’ll even get a fancy new office on the floor below mine.” He pointed a grease stained finger accusingly at Bucky. “But this means that I am officially paying for your opinion, so you have to actually contribute to the project beyond the sensors, you hear me?”
Even with his concern about Steve finding out, it wasn’t hard to initial and sign.