Chapter Text
L E T T E R S
Today marks the first anniversary of the day everything changed for him. When the ground was torn away from under his feet and he could do nothing but accept the harsh reality. No matter how much he screamed, how much he cried, how much he wished it was him instead - he had to accept the news of his mate's death. When the policeman in front of the door asked to be allowed to come in, he knew immediately that it was no good news he was bringing him. But as he said the words out loud, it was as if a hole was opening under him, threatening to pull him down. Literally - because he collapsed.
"Mr. Tomlinson, I'm sorry to tell you that your mate died in a car accident today,“ was the only thing he remembered. Everything the policeman said afterwards, he didn't hear anymore. Everything around him disappeared behind a veil, he saw the policeman's mouth move but all he could hear in his ears was blood rushing. The view was blurry from the tears he cried and he would have liked to die at that moment too. At some point Louis found himself on one of the kitchen chairs, in front of a chaplain whom the policeman had probably called and shortly afterwards his family holding him in their arms. But no one could fill the emptiness inside him or take away the heartache that has been his constant companion ever since. Louis has lost his mate with whom he thought he would grow old and with whom he planned to have children. Many little kids should crown their love but they were not granted it.
The funeral was the most gruesome thing he has ever experienced. To this day he cannot believe that in the coffin that was lowered into the ground was Ed, his body now buried under a pile of earth. That there was where his luck now lay.
And Louis has been numb ever since. He continues to go about his work in a bookstore every day, smiling warmly at customers and showing them the latest bestsellers. When he visits his family or vice versa, he smiles bravely and doesn't show anything. Because he can't bear to see the worried expressions, the pitying looks that only make it clear again and again what he has lost. But when he's alone, he falls into his hole and the loneliness is almost unbearable. Everything in the shared apartment reminds him of Ed, sometimes scenes play out in front of him that they experienced together. When he cooks and closes his eyes he imagines what it was like when Ed hugged him from behind and put his head on his shoulder, but when he opens them again it's just him at the stove and he often has to keep the tears from falling into the food beneath him.
When he lies in bed in the evening he hugs Ed's pillow so that it feels like he is with him, even if he was otherwise the little spoon and to be hugged. Which of course also makes him realize again and again that there are no more arms holding him and in which he can fall asleep. But the worst thing is that his Omega is now touch deprived. Sometimes he lets his best friend hold him, who is an Alpha, but it doesn't feel right to be in his arms, he doesn't find his smell comfortable being so close to him and it just goes to show how much he misses Ed again. He often only uses comfort when it starts to hurt. Like the last few days, Louis feels it scratching and tugging and this time it's stronger than all the months before. And now he's gotten to the point where it doesn't even bother him anymore. He knows that depression can develop as the condition progresses and he is absolutely certain that he is already in a severe one. Death alone was bad enough and the touch deprivation makes things even worse, but what would it matter if it got to the worst? Louis firmly believes that in death he would be reunited with Ed. Maybe it would be the best thing that could happen to him. He can't imagine that he'll ever be really happy again and if he's thinking of spending the next few years in this condition, then maybe it really would be better if...
Sighing, he goes to the desk, sinks into the chair in front of it and buries his face in his hands. To distract himself from his pain, he grabs a pen and paper and writes a new letter to Ed, as he has done for the past few months. It's his way of dealing with the loss and he's sent each of the letters because it feels like they're really getting through to him. On bad days, he pretends that Ed is just on a long journey and can't reply but reads his every letter with a smile.
My dearest,
Today I've been without you for a year and it hurts. Not only mentally but also physically. Your soft touches are missed more than ever, your firm hugs, our lovemaking. Warm skin that lies against each other and made me feel safe. I miss your smell, your whole way, your laughter and your eyes that have always looked at me so lovingly. What's the point of living like this anymore? Or to put it another way, am I still alive or am I just here? How do you live without your mate? I'm young and I've got so many years left, tell me babe, how does one live? I miss you so much and I just don't know how to move on. Can you send me a sign? Just something, so I know you're waiting for me? That our souls find each other again? Maybe that would keep me sane, endure the years without you. I'm desperate because I can't see anything good anymore. I get jealous when I see other happy couples. Or parents with small babies. We should be that. I'm crying again because it's not fair. Why weren’t we lucky? Why did someone drunk have to ram your car and kill you? Why was it you that had to die? Why? Why? Why? I'm so empty, emptier than the first few months. With every day that you're not with me, something more falls apart inside me. My body only shows what it looks like in my soul. My skin is so itchy I could rip it off, my muscles ache like I ran a marathon. The tears that are running down my cheeks are literally burning into my skin. Everything is so pointless without you. When I looked in the mirror this morning I saw that my mating mark had completely disappeared. It had been fading all the time, reminding me everyday that you were gone. But as if it knew that today is the first anniversary of your death, it's all gone. My neck is bare. I stood in front of the mirror screaming and crying. But babe, actually it doesn't matter if it's gone, I'll carry you in my heart forever. You live there and in my memories. All our beautiful years are the only thing that keeps me going, even if they often hurt. But I wouldn't trade them for anything. Because what we had was real. As real as our love was, how it burned, so does the pain burn in my gut. I'll always love you.
Your Louis
Sniffling and crying, he carefully folds the letter, puts it in an envelope and writes the address on it. Writing letters is a curse and a blessing at the same time, because as good as it is to write everything down, it is also difficult to bear that it only shows again how bitter the reality is.
In the afternoon he throws the letter into the mailbox a few blocks away and sighs. The address he's sending them to is their vacation home on Lake Tahoe. It was their escape from everyday life, especially for Ed, who had a strenuous day at work as a surgeon and when he had longer free time just wanted to switch off and enjoy nature and the silence. But he himself hasn't been drawn there since his death, the memories of romantic hours they spent there are too painful. But it serves as his personal mailbox. Louis has often considered selling it, giving another couple the chance to have their love nest there. The first few months after the death felt wrong, but today he's starting to think about it again.
When he gets back home, he makes himself some tea and pulls out one of the shirts Ed was wearing and tries to capture the smell of it by wrapping it in airtight foil. On days like this, when he's missing him more than ever, he always pulls out one to hug, bury his face in it and pretend his mate is still there. The itching gets better for a moment, though it doesn't go away entirely and his muscles don't pull quite as hard when he inhales the smell deeply. When he closes his eyes he can imagine the shirt being filled with a warm body, Ed sitting next to him and he only has to let his body sink to be caught by strong arms. Louis can't help but cry again, and as he quickly repackages the shirt to keep the smell, he grows angrier. Because life is so unfair and even a little bit at Ed for leaving him alone. Pure desperation courses through his body and he begins to tremble. He's so cold and he pulls the wool blanket tighter around him, but this in turn only increases the scratching on his arms and he starts itching wildly while the tears are still running down his cheeks. Things can't go on like this, Louis has to change something, has to get over the loss. However this is supposed to happen, Louis has no idea. But he makes at this moment a decision and before he can change his mind, he quickly looks for a broker on his phone, clicks on the first number that comes along and his call is answered shortly thereafter.
∰
Three days later he finds himself in the office of a real estate agent, and after their conversation he puts the key to the holiday home on the table.
"And you're sure you don't want any of the furniture? Or your personal stuff?” the woman asks again, raising an eyebrow.
But Louis shakes his head to say no, only to scratch his arms again the next moment. The agent is an Alpha, a smelly one to him at that, and he just wants out of here. His nerves are already battered by the constant scratching and he has the feeling that he can't stay here a minute longer.
"No, I want a clean cut. Please sell it with all inventory as discussed.”
The real estate agent nods, takes the key and looks at him pityingly. "I don't want to offend you, but I smell your distress and ... I could tell the touch deprivation immediately. Can I do something for you?"
Louis, who was already on his way out, turns in shock at the bold question and what it entails.
"Your services are only needed for the sale of the house, thank you," he says through his teeth, trying to be polite even though he finds it more than rude to name his condition and offer to help him with it.
"Please excuse me for being so intrusive. I'll get in touch with you as soon as I've sold the holiday home," the agent says and smiles apologetically. Louis instead just turns around without a further word and hurries out of the building and to his car, which he parked on the street. He can pull himself together until he sits inside, but then the tears spill out of him and he hits the steering wheel angrily only to howl loudly in desperation the next moment. It was already such a big step to sell the holiday home even though he knows it is the right decision. And yet it's one more goodbye he has to say and just proves once again that he has to get on with his life without Ed, whether he wants to or not. Because he loses himself in his desperation and grief, the physical symptoms become stronger again and when he has calmed down a little, he grabs his phone and quickly dials the number of his doctor, who has been prescribing his contraception for years and since Ed's death also suppressesions for his heat. Of course, he could continue to allow them, helping himself out with sex toys, but he doesn't feel mentally able to do that. The memories of Ed would throw him even more overboard in this sensitive situation. It's enough that everyday life is already difficult enough without him. Going through a heat so vulnerable and grieving with no his Alpha who cares for him - unimaginable if not downright cruel. In addition, he doesn't want to run the risk of running into a strange Alpha and also defenseless without a mating mark, if it should start earlier and surprisingly, which Louis has always tended to do.
"Doctor’s Office for Omega Needs, how can I help you?" a friendly voice asks, answering his call.
"Louis Tomlinson here, I need an appointment urgently. My…um, touch deprivation is getting worse by the day,” Louis stammers, a little embarrassed at being so helpless.
"You can come right over and I'll put you in between. This is a serious situation."
Louis confirms that he is on his way immediately and when he has hung up, he hurriedly wipes the tears from his face. Taking a deep breath, he starts the engine, turning the music up loud as he drives, drowning out the silence in the car, which was otherwise filled with chatter and laughter with Ed.
Arriving at the practice, he doesn't have to wait long when he is called by his doctor, who is a Beta.
"Mr. Tomlinson, how are you?" he asks with a worried face and Louis sees exactly how he examines his arms and his neck, which already show clear scratch marks. Louis gets nervous under the gaze and switches with his bottom restlessly on the chair, feels like he almost is to blame for this condition even if he knows it’s not true.
"I'm really unwell. Since my mate passed away, the touch deprivation has only gotten worse. I do have an Alpha friend who sometimes hugs and cuddles me, but I'm not comfortable with it and try to avoid it,” Louis replies honestly, looking down while rubbing his thighs up and down, his muscles aching again.
"I understand you very well but you're young and I hate to ask, but have you thought about looking for a new partner?" the doctor asks and Louis glances up quickly while he gasps.
"No! I'm not ready for that and I probably never will be. Can you just prescribe me something for the itch and pain, please?” he asks, his heart beating faster at the thought of ever becoming intimate or falling in love again with anyone other than Ed.
"Yes I can do that. However, these will suspend the effects of your suppressants. So you have to decide what you want.”
Louis doesn't have to think twice, he'd rather put up with a heat every few months than continue to endure this physical torment. He has to find a way to bear with it somehow, even if it's not the best solution and he actually wanted to avoid upcoming heats.
"I'll then suspend the suppressants," he says, nodding, and the doctor is already typing on his keyboard. Shortly thereafter, Louis holds the prescription in his hands with the best wishes from the doctor and immediately fetches the pills from the pharmacy across the street.
∰
In the evening Louis is nesting. The need had been there for the past few days, but after today's eventful day, he couldn't resist any longer. In desperation, he even took out all of Ed's old shirts that he had packed airtight and put them in the nest with him. He doesn't care if they all lose their scent, he needs them more than anything now. Louis built the nest in the living room in the small corner by the fireplace, because the niche gives his stressed Omega security. There are many blankets on the floor and serve as a soft base, all the pillows that Louis could find in the apartment are spread out all around and make it look nice, tight and safe. Louis has put on an old sweater from Ed, which unfortunately no longer has a scent, but it still makes him feel closer to him. Standing in front of his nest and looking at it with satisfaction, he takes a photo of Ed and him standing on the windowsill, climbs into the nest and breathes in the scent that envelops him with relief as he snuggles into the shirts. He has already swallowed one of the pills and his itching and pain is not completely gone but is getting better, so he can now enjoy his nest as he closes his eyes and the smell and soft materials calm his mind. He slowly drifts into a sleep where he dreams of Ed cuddling up to him in the nest and telling him to let go. That he will always be with him but he has to live his life without him. Live and not just get through day after day.
When he wakes up the next morning and remembers it, he sits up in shock. It felt too real and he had to blink a few times to understand that Ed wasn't really there with him - he just dreamed it. Especially since he can't follow Dream-Ed's advice because Louis just doesn't know how. Desperate tears find their way out of his eyes and sobbing, he presses his nose into the shirts he holds balled up in front of his chest. So he spends the next few hours in his nest, just getting something to eat in the kitchen and returning immediately. His shift in the bookstore doesn't start until midday, so he has enough time to bathe in his misery before he has to put on a friendly face in front of customers again.
∰
When he comes home in the evening, he collapses exhausted on the sofa and looks at his nest emotionlessly. The dream kept him busy all day every time he came to rest for a moment in the shop. Ed's encouraging look played out in his thoughts with which he looked at him in the dream and his words echoing through him. Louis always reminded himself that it was only a dream when a new customer stood in front of him and he had to work. Nothing to think about for that long.
How do you let go of something you loved so much? Does the pain of loss really get any better? Does time really heal all wounds as everyone says? For Louis, at least, it doesn't feel like it. Deep in his thoughts, he doesn't even notice that he's started itching again, which has almost become normal in the meantime. But as the pain gets worse the longer he scratches his skin, he suddenly looks down, startled, and goes to the kitchen, where he quickly washes down his pill with a glass of water. On the way back to the living room, his gaze suddenly stops at the answering machine on the commode, which announces a new message.
He presses the button to play it and his body stiffens the longer he listens to the message.
"This is the brokerage office, unfortunately I could not reach you personally. I just wanted to let you know that your holiday home has been sold. We had only a few properties that have sold as quickly as yours. We will pay the money from the sale into your account as soon as the buyer transfers it to us."
So now it is reality. The realization of his decision only hits him fully at this moment and he has to swallow a few times in order not to burst into tears again. But it's good on the other side. Now someone else can find a retreat in it and spend quality time there. Otherwise it would only have rotted over the years and that would have hit Louis at least as hard as saying goodbye to a piece of earth and a house in which he felt so comfortable.
Everything in life has its time as it seems, one longer and the other far too short.
To be silent, to talk. Alone and in pairs. To cry and to laugh. To lose and find. To arise and to pass away. And sometimes go blind and still see clearly. It’s the beginning and the end at the same time. And Louis no longer knows at all where in his life he actually is. Like in a free fall, without having his mate with him who anchored him, held him tight and persuaded him.
As small as he feels right now, so damn lonely, he snuggles into his nest and lies awake in there for most of the night, staring at the darkness.