Chapter Text
When it comes to life, there are certain things to expect. Being born, family, friends, and the grueling task of getting a job. And like most jobs, they were often tedious and mind-numbing. Which, to many of the citizens of Hell, was a daily punishment that they all had to suffer through. But sometimes, with the low pay and rise in housing, there were times when sacrifices had to be made.
Even if people really didn’t want to.
Which one imp was unfortunately going to have to do.
In a small apartment building somewhere in Pentagram City. A small but chunky creature made his way up the many flights of stairs, rubbing his throat to try and ease the sore feeling he was experiencing. A pale pink imp with a peach fuzz mustache on his upper lip struggled up the stairs, despite wearing his comfortable attire of a black t-shirt and red sweatpants. His glasses fogged up as sweat poured from his wild bush of white hair from his grueling trip. As he made his way to the top he moved through several other doors before stopping at his designated apartment number. He reached into his pocket and rumbled with his keys before opening up the door. Not quite a complete shithole but not exactly a nice place to live either, very middle of the road as far as living quarters in Hell goes.
In the apartment lay a few bits and pieces of decor: a family photo, a few theater posters, and anything related to the imp’s other interests.
“Home sweet home,” He coughed to himself.
The imp tosses the few loose items he has on his person onto the nearby table and pulls a seat for himself as he had a letter in hand.
“Let's see what we got here today.”
He opens it and takes a read and can't help but let out an exhausted sigh as he lays his head on the table, letting go of the letter. A notice from his landlord that rent has gone up.
“Course he had to bump it up today of all days!”
The imp lifts his head from the table as he takes in a deep breath, taking off his glasses as he rubs his eyes. He takes out his hell phone and opens his emails and is met with dozens upon dozens of rejection emails from local theaters he auditioned to or pitched script ideas.
He couldn't help but tear up slightly. The weight of today just crashed down on him like a pile of bricks. He covers his face with his hands and some slight muffled sobbing can be heard.
“What… What am I gonna do…?”
Exhausted, he crawled into bed. He was too tired to think of anything right now. Hopefully he’ll find something to help with his rent troubles. But right now, he just wanted to sleep off this awful day.
He looked absolutely dreadful as he walked down the streets of Pentagram city, holding a small stack of printed resumes in his arms. He had spent all morning preparing himself to look for a second job. He needed it.
“Ok, all you need to do is get another job, you nailed it the first time, a second try can't be that hard right?”
As it turned out…It was that hard.
The imp had applied to various jobs all day, with each interviewer disposing of his resume in various ways. Each giving their own excuses as to why they wouldn't hire him. Though he did almost find one as an employee at a local hotel establishment…. On the condition he wore a maid outfit. The pay in and of itself was not worth that sort of humiliation.
As the day went on, the depressed imp felt himself being so close to just giving up. Until… he saw a sign in a store’s window. He stared down at the "help wanted" sign in the window of a coffee shop.
Micole's Killer Coffee
He looked down at the last resume in hand with a shaken defeated look on his face. He gave himself a few smacks on his face to help summon up some courage. Not that he had a lot of it. Then before taking a deep breath, he ran his hand through his hair and entered the cafe.
What he found was…. Quite an odd but standard coffee shop from what he could tell. The walls were dark purple with black deadwood wooden floors. With plenty of chairs and tables. Most of them wooden, but there were some comfier-looking loveseats next to a fireplace. Paintings, drawings, and posters decorated the walls. Some were more…. Gothic while others were just simple scenery paintings.
The place was busy with tons of people ordering, standing in line, or relaxing in the cafe. He noticed an imp girl skating around waiting on customers and… Working the register? At the same time? Was it safe for her to be wearing rollerblades in a cafe?
Either way, if this cafe didn’t mind hiring imps, then this had to be his best chance…. Right? So the imp made his way up to the counter.
Though he had to get through a very long line first. He nervously clutches onto his last resume as he is very intimidated by the various hellborns and sinners that are several feet taller than him. Different thoughts rushed through his head as his nerves started to get the best of him. Dozens of failed attempts today just amplified his anxiety as the line got shorter and shorter, and he got closer and closer to the register. He finally made it after what felt like hours of waiting when in reality it's only been but a few minutes. With the register currently unintended, a shaky hand reached out for the little bell and tapped it once, before taking a deep breath and waiting for whoever might attend to the register.
In what seemed like a blink of an eye, the imp girl was behind the counter. Now that she was up closer, he could see that she had some… Striking features.
One was that half of her face had white scarring across it. The other was that her left horn was broken and… she was a Lust-Imp. He could see one of her wings… no.
Wing.
She only had one.
And… Weird brown hair that was pulled into a ponytail. …How did she get that shade of brown? Special hair dye? Not the time.
And like all Lust-Imps… She was attractive…. As most Lustians were known for. Though she was wearing a purple sweater that… didn’t show any skin? Huh, that was weird.
“Welcome to Micole’s Killer Coffee,” She greeted. “I’m Micole. What can I get for you?”
Leo couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at that statement, if he didn't know any better she might have just implied that she owned the place, but maybe it was just his hearing messing with him. Her name had to be Nicole and not Micole.
“Hi-” He flinched at his voice cracking. Fuck. He quickly cleared his throat. “Uh hi! U-um… I'm Leo a-a-and I-I’m here for the job opening. The sign said help wanted so uh…. H-here I am?”
He gave a nervous chuckle. He hoped that he hadn't already made a bad impression.
“Oh… that.” She waved him over to the side. “Stand over there if you ain’t ordering anything.”
Leo shuffled over to the side as she tended to the other customers. He looks around the cafe and starts to notice that other than the female imp…. There weren't exactly many - if any - other workers around the cafe.
Oh, don't tell me it's someone from Greed….
“So, what skills do you have?” The imp girl asked as she took customers' orders and fixed their coffees. “How quick are you on your feet?”
Leo was caught off guard by the series of questions, an interview here of all places? He would have expected to be taken to the back or at least where the boss's office was located.
“U-um, sorry but…. I thought it would be your boss to be the o-one to give me the i-interview?”
He jumped when he heard the snap of her neck as she turned to glare at him.
“I AM the boss. This is MY Cafe. Did you not hear me when I introduced myself? Or did your eye doctor fuck up your glasses so bad you couldn’t see my name on the damn window?”
Leo's eyes widen a bit as all this information is laid out to him, as he quickly realizes that yes…. This is indeed the OWNER of the cafe. Oh fuck. This was Micole!
“O-oh! S-sorry! I-i might have just misheard you as all, uh sorry for the misconception I just never really seen a-”
“An imp run their own business? Yea, heard it all.” She hands a customer their coffee. “Here’s your mochaccino with five shots of peppermint, three shots of caramel with two pumps of sweetener, and chocolate drizzle.” She then turns to Leo as she takes another customer’s order. “You were saying?”
“O-oh right sorry! Uh, well here's my resume first of all.”
He gave another nervous chuckle as he handed her his resume. It was a bit wrinkled up due to him gripping it so tightly, though it's still readable. The one-winged imp used her tail to hold the paper to her face as she continued to fix coffees and run the register. After a quick glance, she handed it back.
“You're hired.”
Leo can't help but stand there in complete silence as he slowly took in what he just heard.
“Wait… what!? Just like that?! B-but I thought we had an interview to do?”
Micole motioned to the many customers in her building.
“Do you not see how busy it is today?! I literally don’t have time for an interview, dumbass!”
Just as she said that, an angry customer stormed up to the counter.
“Hey, bitch! This is the third time you fucked my order! I said a Vanilla decaf latte with .03 ounces of-!”
They didn't get to finish as she went and stabbed their hand with a knife. The customer shrieked in pain as they made a vain attempt to free their injured appendage.
“And I TOLD you that I don't serve that decaf shit!! Read my fucking sign!!”
She points to a sign reading: If you have a complicated order and you complain by the third attempt, it's not the employee's or the owner's fault for your picky-ass taste buds. No, we did not get your order wrong. Shitty attitudes result in getting stabbed after the third complaint.
With a second sign next to it saying: We don't serve that decaf-shit!
Leo only looked on in silent horror as the customer screams in pain again as she pulled her knife away. The customer instantly pulled their hand close to their chest, retreating from the countertop. Leo was struggling to process what he just witnessed.
“Crazy fucking bitch! I'm leaving a one-star review!”
“Like I give a shit! Not my fault you didn't learn how to read, you brain-dead sack of shit!” She yelled back as she flipped them off. Once the customer was out of sight she turned back to the other imp. “Now as I was saying. We’re not doing an interview, you’re the first demon to come in for the position in weeks and frankly, I’ll take in anyone at this point. Now put on an apron and get your ass back here so I can show you the ropes!”
Every instinct told Leo to leave. To run as far from this crazy demon as fast as possible. But the near endless stream of application rejections coupled with the threat of eviction hanging over his head made him realize that simply wasn’t an option.
Like it or not this was the first opportunity he had gotten in a while and he couldn’t afford to be picky.
“O-ok, so um…. W-when does my shift start? O-oh by the way I'm only free on weekends, if that helps. O-or is that gonna be a problem? Because if it is i-i can try and make a compromise with my other job and- “
Leo continues on as he keeps bringing up what ifs and nervous responses, which at this point had just spiraled into him nervously muttering and stuttering.
“I open every day at 5am and close at 10pm. Only because I need to… "sleep and relax" and all that other bullshit. Like Friday-Sunday or just Saturday and Sunday? Either way, you're my only employee so… 20 souls an hour good?”
Leo's eyes widened a bit at that statement. 20 souls an hour? That was a hell of a lot more than what he earned at his main job. But he needed to stay professional, he could tell he was slightly on her bad side already and didn't want to piss her off any further.
“Y-yeah I can work with that!”
“Great! Your first shift starts now, you can find an apron in the back.”
“H-huh!? Shouldn't I go through some training first?”
Leo took another look around the cafe and couldn't help but gulp as he gazed at all the demons that needed serving.
“Again, THERE IS NO TIME! You can learn as you go.”
In both "quick thinking" and panic Leo cut himself off from asking another question and made his way behind the counter. The female imp was quick to toss him an apron. She continued to serve, and fix coffee as she was instructing him what to do.
“Register is pretty simple, it’s all electronic. I used to have an old-fashioned one, but it broke shortly after I opened. Piece of shit plastic. Anyway, I’ll get you in the system when we close. You run the register while I fix drinks. Don’t really have the time to teach you all the orders.”
Leo couldn't help but feel slightly overwhelmed by being tossed out into the deep end with next to no instruction. But this was the only shot he had today, so he might as well suck it up and push forward.
“Y-yeah, I can figure it out myself, don't worry.”
“It’s just a lot of buttons. They’re marked. Lattes, Mochaccinos, frappes…. Milk, cream, pumps of sugar… all that kind of stuff.”
“G-gotcha!”
He gives Micole a shaky thumbs up, but his face obviously gives away that he is not ready in the slightest! If she noticed, she didn’t bother to comment on it. Instead, the Cafe owner just gave a nod as she skated over to her machines, quickly getting to work on the customers’ orders. Leo turned to face the front as he was confronted by the large line, and an impatient-looking demon had their arms crossed with a very frustrated look on their face. Leo just put on a smile, taking in a deep breath.
“H-hello, what can I do you for t-today?”
“Ugh, fucking finally, I swear your service here is as slow as old people fucking!”
Leo couldn't help but tense up due to the demon's aggression, but he's handled worse before.
“S-sorry for the wait, promise i-it won't happen again. Anyways, w-what can I get you?”
“I'll have a-” Leo’s mind completely blanked at how complicated the order was. All he heard was white noise. He felt like his ears were ringing. “Ya got any of that?”
No, he didn’t.
“Uuuuuuuuuuuh…. y-yeah! Let me get that for you real quick!”
As Leo punched the order in, he then realized something….. He knew next to nothing about making coffee let alone whatever the hell kind of drink the customer just ordered. And with Micole tending to other customers he didn't really have the help he needed, didn't help that the customer upfront seemed really annoyed with him so…. What other choice does he have other than to fix up the drink himself?
“H-how hard can it be?” He asked himself. “I-It’s just coffee…”
While the coffee machine was pretty standard looking, Leo couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at the fact that it had a few….Accessories attached to it. Or at least he thought they were accessories, it felt like those eyes kept looking at him funny. Weirdly realistic eyes aside, Leo decided that since he had no clue what he was doing and the owner didn’t seem to want to take the time to teach him, the best course of action would be to simply push random buttons and twist random levers and hope for the best.
After doing so he did end up with….. Something drinkable….. Hopefully…… Oh, what did he expect? It was probably awful! He couldn't serve this.
But what else could he do? Micole was busy, the customers were getting angry….. he just had to hope for the best! He nervously made his way over, giving a nervous smile.
“H-Here you go sir…”
The customer swiped the drink from Leo's hand before throwing him a couple of souls, stomping their way out of the cafe grumbling. He collects the scattered souls and puts them in the register.
Phew… Well, that went well.
He turned to the next customer to see a… Gator sinner and a… Armadillo(?) Sinner and they were arguing. Oh dear… And they were covered in soot and… Was the gator on fire!?
“Look, I’m just saying if I had a little more barbeque sauce-” The gator began, while adjusting his spectacles and dusting off some soot from his jacket. He wore a black pinstripe suit with black dress shoes to match. Depending on who looked at it, it was either refined or tacky no inbetween. What could be agreed upon was that the reptile who wore it, believed he was pure class. As his gangly frame continued to strut with confidence, as his four red eyes gave a sly look towards his companion.
“How many times do I have to tell you, that’s not how it works!” The armadillo snarked back, then licked his fingers and put out the fire on his friend’s tail. Unlike his sharply dressed companion, the armadillo later clarified to be a pangolin wore a vibrant blue hoodie with sweatpants to match. As he polished his ashy glasses, he walked with a small posture that contrasted his bulky armored frame. A look of exasperation wore into a mouthless face.
“Sure it is! I admit, the mixture was a little off but I’m sure I’ll nail it next time!”
“No! No next time! You are NEVER doing that again!!!”
The gator snorted.
“I’d like to see you try and stop me.”
“STEPHEN I SWEAR TO GOD!”
“Alright, alright. I won’t.” The gator sinner, now recognized as Stephen, told his friend. “Keep your hoodie on, sheesh.”
The Armadillo sinner relaxed at that.
“Thank you. Sorry about that M, can we just get our usu-” He stopped noticing Leo. “Wait you’re not- who are you?”
“I’m Leo, I just started working here today.”
Stephen immediately brightens up with a mischievous look and approaches the countertop
“Well, well, well! Looks like Mimi finally got herself a new employee after all this time!”
Leo stared as his brain tried to comprehend what he was saying. Those sharp teeth were making him a bit… anxious.
Mimi…?
“You… mean Micole?”
“Yea! I’m Stephen, and this here is my best buddy Paint! We’re regulars! Micole gives us a little friends and family discount for being such loyal customers.” The reptile sinner struck a pose with Paint, a hoodie clad pangolin sinner who gave a polite wave.
Leo couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at that statement. He's been around the block for nearly all his life, so he's gotten pretty good at telling when someone is lying through their teeth.
“Really now?”
“Of course! She probably hasn’t had time to mention it because of how busy it is in here, but I’ll fill you in on the deta- OOP!”
Stephen ducks down, barely avoiding the knife flying towards his head which proceeds to embed itself in the wall behind him with a loud thunk.
“NO! NO DISCOUNTS!” Micole shouted. “DON’T YOU DARE TRY TO PULL A FAST ONE, YOU LYING FUCK! LEO, DON’T BELIEVE SHIT THAT COMES FROM HIS ELONGATED FAT SNOUT!!”
Stephen shrugged, chuckling.
“Hey, can’t fault a guy for trying right? Your aim is really getting good by the way, felt the wind coming off that one!”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing back home. But seriously, don’t think you can try and con your way into more free drinks just because I’ve got a new employee on staff; I will gut you on the spot.”
“I love you too Mimi!”
Leo looked back and forth between the two with utter bewilderment. His boss had just tried to kill one of her regulars because he asked for a discount and he’s laughing it off like this is some sort of inside joke between them.
.....Think I might be starting to regret this already….
A tap on the countertop roused him back to reality and Leo saw that the armored sinner was trying to address him.
“Hello? Leo? You okay?”
“Are… Are they always like this?”
“No, they’re actually calmer than usual today.”
Leo blinked in surprise.
“You’re kidding me…”
“Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it. Anyways, think you can take our orders? After the day we’ve had I could REALLY use something sweet.”
“Oh, right. Sure. What can I get you?”
“Just a hot chocolate with caramel drizzle and a brownie for me, and a black espresso for my friend Stephen.”
Said gator popped his head onto his friend’s head. Looking like an overgrown child as he clung to him.
“What about my croissant?”
Paint frowned as he looked up at him.
“You lost your croissant privileges when you blew up that shoe store!”
Stephen looked like a kicked puppy at the news.
“Awwww….”
“S-sure I’ll get your orders right away.”
Leo started with the easy part, which was getting Paint's brownie. After that he made his way to the machine again, this time being a lot less stressful for him since their orders seemed simple enough…. He just hoped he didn't screw up. With the orders completed Leo handed both sinners their respective orders.
“H-here you go! Hope I made it like the boss does.” He nervously chuckled.
“I’m sure it’ll be-”
“GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY CAFE!!!”
They all turned to see Micole glaring at a Vinegaroon Sinner. She had her knife (how did she get it back so quickly when it was last embedded in the wall behind Leo….????) pointed at their throat.
“I’m here to… sweeten my deal for you.”
“There is no deal!” She snarled at the bug sinner. “I told you, I ain’t selling! Now get the fuck out of my building!!”
Vinegaroon Sinner scoffed.
“Oh please, this little building is… A lot for a little imp like you to handle.”
Micole’s eye started twitching.
“What the fuck did you say…?”
“I’m just saying, I know imps of…” He looked her up and down. “Your ring. And this is not a place that you should be dealing with. I mean… I’m sure you’d rather be in a more… sexual workplace?”
Hearing those words, Stephen and Paint shared a look…. Then the latter of the two quickly dashed over as the smaller demon lunged at the arachnid. He was able to hold her back as she kept trying to land a hit on the demon that offended her.
“Micole no! He’s not worth it! HE’S NOT WORTH IT!”
The female imp continued to try and escape her friend’s grasp.
“LET ME GO! I’M ONLY GONNA MAIM HIM A LITTLE!”
Stephen was leaning against the counter, looking amused.
“C’mon Paint, let the lady get her stab on! She’s been good all week, she deserves it!”
“YOU’RE NOT HELPING!!” The pangolin sinner snapped at the gator.
“SAY THAT TO ME AGAIN, VINNY!!!” Micole continued to snarl at the offended sinner that dared threaten her. “I’LL MAKE A NICE FILLET OUT OF YOUR UGLY ASS FACE!!!”
Vinny just rolled his eyes.
“Feisty as always I see! Fine then, keep your rat trap cafe. We both know it won’t be around for much longer anyways. Just remember, when you and your little furballs are out on the street, I was willing to give you more than a generous deal for this locale.” He turned to leave the store, before stopping and glancing back. “Though from your… looks. I think you better stick with those that have Acrotomophilia…”
The Lust-imp’s eyes widened at the word, then gave a screech as she tried to stab the fleeing insect.
“GET BACK HERE YOU FAKE ASS SCORPIAN POSER!!! HOW ABOUT I HELP YOU MAKE YOU ONE OF US, HUH????”
“M-Micole stop!!! Y-You’re just feeding i-into his…” Paint grunts as he did his best to hold her back. “His mind-games!!”
Leo watched the scene warily, turning to Stephen.
“Who…was that?”
Stephen waved him off.
“Oh just some fancy schmuck that’s been trying to buy Terra from Micole after learning he lost the bid to her.”
“ ….Who’s Terra?”
“That’s what Mimi calls the building. Terra.”
Leo remembered all of the googly eyes on the coffee equipment.
“Did she name the coffee machine too?”
“You mean Joe Java?”
What the fuck?
“Oh dear Satan…”
His new boss was insane, wasn't she!? He didn't know how he was going to handle this! His current boss at his main job was one thing, but this!? He turned his focus onto handling other customers.
“What… What did that guy want…with the store?”
Leo glanced at the gator as he attends to the customers' orders, with a mix of various results from kinda decent to just absolutely undrinkable. The customers didn't seem to notice though.
“Eh, he’s the owner of some big coffee chain; Vinebucks, or some crap like that. Cookie cutter atmosphere, cheap coffee, and one on every goddamn block. Word is he was considering Terra for the prime location of his next store but Micole managed to scrape together enough money to snatch it up before he could.” The lean reptile sighed. “Bastard never let it go. Can’t say I blame him though, the amount of foot traffic this place gets is insane! Hope you’re ready for the midday rush!”
Leo blinked at him.
“The what?”
“Oh look! Here it comes now!"
He points over to where several dozen customers started walking in through the door all at once.
Leo’s face paled at the sight of them. Stephen patted his shoulder.
“Lots of luck, my friend!”
Leo gulped as he struggled to keep up with the rush. With him busy, Stephen slides into his seat where Paint is waiting for him. He takes a sip of his coffee.
“So what do you think of the new guy? Is he a square or is he cool?”
Paint shrugged.
“Hard to say, I didn’t get a good read of him before Micole snapped like that.”
Stephen grinned.
“Maybe we could invite him to our little get-together tomorrow! Make him feel welcome and get to know him a little better.”
“Sounds like a good idea to me. I just hope he’s a hard worker, Micole could really use the extra set of…” But the pangolin zoned out as he noticed something outside of the window.
“The extra set of what?”
Paint pointed behind him.
“Stephen, look out the window.”
Stephen did so. His eyes widened when he saw that a Vinebucks is now sitting across the street with a sign marked ‘ Grand Opening!! ’ sitting in the front window. There’s already a line of desperate customers out front.
“Oh my fucking god.”
“No wonder he’s been getting so bold lately!” Paint gulped. “H-he managed to get a foothold in Micole’s territory!”
“This won’t stand!” The con-man shouted, quickly chugging his coffee. “C’mon Paint, we got work to do!”
Paint blinked as he watched his friend storm out. He quickly followed him.
“Wha- Stephen! C’mon! I know this looks bad but I’m sure Micole’s quality coffee, cozy atmosphere, and good customer ser- actually no, all she has is good coffee and atmosphere. But I’m sure that’ll be enough to compete with Vinebucks!”
“Paint, I’ve seen a dozen cafes with great coffee and atmosphere get run into the ground the second that damn chain moved in. I’m not gonna let that happen to Micole’s place, she actually tolerates me here! Now are you gonna help me or are you gonna sit on the sidelines and let our friend’s dream go down in flames?”
The smaller demon stood there before sighing in defeat.
“Fine… but only because somebody has to bail you out when things go off the rails. What’s the plan?”
Stephen smirked.
“Well first we’ll need an accomplice and I know just the man for the job!”
Over at a bakery, Stephen and Paint were now talking to a different imp. Darby, another friend of theirs. He had just finished delivering Micole’s baked goods for the week, when the two had followed him back to his store. At just over 5 feet he was tall for an imp. He wore a tan apron with the name of his bakery embroidered on the chest and a similarly colored bandana to keep his snow white hair out of his eyes. Besides that he had on an emerald colored shirt with a warm brown hoodie tied around his waist, thoroughly well worn jeans and a sturdy pair of boots. His demeanor was as comforting as the baked goods he made with a sleepy eyed look on a charming face. A bit scuffed up with white scars but what imp wasn’t, as he moseyed from the back of the counter towards the two sinners.
Darby takes notice of the slightly singed sinners. A mildly bemused look on his face.
“So boys, what can I do for you? I get the feeling you're not here for my red velvet cake.”
“While I’d normally be slamming that shit into my face like a weapon, we don’t have the time.” The gator grabbed a hold of the stocky imp’s shirt. “OUR VERY WAY OF LIFE IS AT STAKE HERE, DARBY!”
Darby turns to Paint.
“Translation?”
Paint sighed as he readjusted his glasses.
“A Vinebucks recently opened up across the street from Micole’s cafe and Stephen is worried it’s gonna put Micole out of business.”
“And I’m guessing you need my help to shut the place down before that happens?”
Stephen grinned as he released his friend’s shirt.
“Exactly! Please, Darby! Micole needs us now more than ever!”
Darby seemed to think it over, then shrugged.
“….eh, sure why not?”
Paint raised a brow.
“Wait really? Just like that?”
The baker imp stepped out from around the counter. He took off his apron and hung it up, as well as his bandana.
“It’s a slow day and I’ve already finished up my daily deliveries, I’m sure Debbie can hold down the shop for a few hours.” He turned his head towards the back room of the shop. “Hey Debs! I’m going out for a bit with Paint and Stephen! You’re in charge until I get back!”
“Try not to get yourselves blown up again!” Debbie responded.
“No promises!” He turns back towards Paint and Stephen. “Just to be clear, are there gonna be explosives involved in this plan of yours?”
Stephen shook his head.
“No, that's plan B. Plan A is way more subtle and elegant!”
Paint gave his best friend a skeptical look.
“What IS your plan, exactly? You refused to fill me in on the way over here.”
“Simple, the ancient art of Sabotage!”
Stephen proclaimed loudly to his friends waiting for their applause at his brilliant idea. Sadly only crickets and silence came. A cursory glance solved his confusion for Paint at least, Darby had only a soft smile and relaxed gaze like usual. A hard fella to read that one was. But by the anxious fidgeting of his hands and the curling of his armored tail, Paint wasn’t for it.
“I don’t know Stephen, aren't we like cheating?”
The gator chuckled to himself, it wouldn’t be Paint if he didn’t need some upselling. Luckily upselling was one of his many talents! Slinging his arm around his best friend’s shoulder, Stephen set up his sale pitch just like his uncle taught him
“Paint, these major corporations are one of if not the biggest cheaters around!”
“Really?”
“Yup! These lying scumbags businesses often do awful things like overcharge their customers for shit products, steal their workers’ wages, and drive our local businesses like our dear Mimi’s Cafe out of business.”
Paint gasped as his hands covered his mouth in shock.
“That’s awful!”
Stephen nodded as he continued.
“And the worst thing about it is that they're rich enough to get away with it. Because that’s Hell baby! One thing my uncle told me is that you’re either the sucker or the one that gets sucked.”
Paint cringe in disgust.
“Ew!”
“Right, a different metaphor is needed. In hell, you’re either chum or the shark. And are you willing to let Micole be shark bait?”
“NO!”
“That’s right, because you’re a good friend, now you are ready to sabotage this place!”
“YEAH FOR MICOLE!”
Stephen grinned as he pointed up at the sky.
“FOR MICOLE!”
The duo dance around locked shoulder to shoulder in righteous vigor for their cause.
Siiiiiip
The two are snapped back to reality as they see Darby drinking his coffee.
“So Darby…”
“I’m in.”
Stephen cheered, pulling them close.
“ALRIGHT BOYS, HERE’S PLAN B- I MEAN PLAN A!”
As Stephen was talking, a crude crayon drawing a la Spring Broken was depicted.
“We sneak Paint in undercover as an employee at the new Vinebucks. He feeds us info on all the inner workings of that shithole and any weak points we can take advantage of while giving some of the worst customer services in the history of hell!”
A blue outline of said pangolin was shown in a Vinebucks uniform. He was passing notes to the green-outlined Stephen drawing and an orange-outlined Darby drawing.
“Once he’s in a proper position, he’ll help me and Darby to sneak in and contaminate all the goods. Darby, you’re on their crappy muffins and cookies. I’ll handle the coffee machine.”
Doodle-Paint was shown opening the back door, allowing Doodle-Stephen and Doodle-Darby in the store. The two started to mess with the food and equipment. It then showed Doodle-Paint with a speech bubble filled with censored symbols aimed at customers, then all the doodle-customers storming out of the store, causing the Doodle-Vinegaroon putting a “For Sale” sign up, then the Doodle-Caffiends celebrating.
“Between Paint telling the customers to go fuck themselves and all the crap we’d be sneaking into their product, the Vinebucks should go belly up by the end of the day. That asshat who’s in charge pulls out of the area, Micole’s cafe is saved, and everything will be hunky dory! Any questions?”
Paint frowned as he looked over Stephen’s crude drawings.
“Yeah, how do you know they’d even be willing to hire me?”
“It’s a corporate chain, Paint. They’ll hire any poor sap who walks through the door. You’ll be fine!”
“Okay, so your pay is five souls an hour, you get one five-minute break every eight hours, the employee discount takes one percent off all Vinebucks products, and your pay is docked if you don’t sign up a dozen customers for our rewards program every single day: buy twenty coffees and you get a free sticker. Any questions?” The burnt-out Baphomet demon droned on.
“Yeah, I-” Paint began.
“Great.” the goat demon said, clearly ignoring Paint’s words. “Let's get you on a register so you can start dealing with the shitty customers that come through here.”
Paint looked down at their uniform, the cheap material of the dark green apron chafing against their skin with holes and stains galore splattered across the surface. The same being said of the worn-out visor sitting crookedly on his head; the rotten cherry on top of this garbage heap of an outfit was the name tag with Paint’s name somehow misspelled on it: who names their kid Qolmp?!
But terrible corporate fashion aside, Paint was blown away by how easily he got the job. The pangolin sinner had gone in, walked straight up to the counter, and asked if there were any openings. The manager just threw him an apron and said he could start his first shift now. He barely even looked at Paint when doing so!
“….He wasn’t kidding that they would hire any poor sap.”
“What was that?”
“Nothing!”
“Well as I was saying, welcome to the Vinebucks family or whatever. Any more questions before you get started?”
“Um, is that guy still alive?” He points to what is very clearly a corpse manning the countertop wearing a similar uniform.
Vinebucks manager shrugged.
“I dunno, maybe. We’ll have to wait until after hours to check, company policy; til’ then you’re gonna have to make do with what you have newbie. “
Paint sighed and looked out at the storefront where Darby and Stephen were observing him, the latter of the two was giving him a smile and a thumbs up.
Okay, I just have to be the worst employee ever. How hard can that be?
A tired and depressed-looking customer entered the store.
“Well, that's my cue to leave,” The manager told the pangolin Sinner. “Let's see how you do, rookie.”
“Uh, shouldn't we go over training first?
“You work at the cash register…. What kind of fucking training do you need, press the buttons and make do, simple as that.”
Outside Darby and Stephen were sitting outside in the back of the store. Peeking through the window. The imp then spoke up when a thought came to him.
“... Hey Step.”
“Yes Darby?”
“I think I might've noticed a flaw in your plan here.”
Stephen waved him off.
“Unlikely, but please go on.”
“Well, part of your plan involves Paint, the nicest person any of us knows, being rude and unpleasant to customers. That seems a bit out of his wheelhouse.”
“Please, you think I don’t know that Paint’s a total softie? That’s why I gave him a list of insults to use and creative ways to mess up orders along with a bit of coaching on the way over on how to be an annoying jerk.”
“I suppose you are an expert at that sort of thing.”
“Damn right I am!” The gator replied proudly, missing the jab that Darby threw at him. “Besides, even if he can’t pull it off, we’ll still be able to sneak in and mess up all the baked goods and coffee. All we have to do is wait for the right opportunity!”
“Sounds good to me.”
“By the way, did you hear that Micole brought on a new employee to the cafe?”
The baker imp nodded.
“Micole told me about him when I was dropping off her daily order. I didn't get a good look at him through the midday rush though. Think he’s okay?”
Stephen shrugged
“Eh, I’m sure he’s fine!”
Leo was not doing fine.
He was pretty far from fine.
He had made it through- no, he had SURVIVED only an hour of the midday rush and already felt like he was gonna collapse at any moment. Leo was moving left to right writing orders down and punching them in, while at the same time doing his best to try and not fuck up as many orders as possible.
“I'll be right with you sir! Sorry, what was that again? Uh in a minute, I'll get right back to you!”
He was getting bombarded with so many customers that he felt like he was being sandwiched between all of them!
Oh dear Satan, when will it end!?!?
“WHAT THE HEAVEN IS GOING ON HERE?!”
Micole had arrived from the back of newly freshly baked goods to see her customers clamoring around her new employee. With her appearance, all the customers started to turn to her, complaining about various things. From the slowness of the orders, of how Leo was giving them wrong orders, to many other minor inconveniences.
“Hey! Hey! EVERYONE SHUT UP!!!!” Once everyone had quieted down, she sharply turned to Leo. “I thought I told you to ONLY do the register!?”
“I-I-I’m s-s-sorry. I just… I just saw h-h-how busy you were and w-w-wanted to… to lessen the burden…”
The Lust-imp face palmed at his response.
“I told you to stay on the register because I knew how busy it was going to be! That’s why I didn’t want you fixing the coffee because it can be complicated!”
“B-b-but there were just so many people lining up a-a-a-and I didn't want them a-all getting held up-!” Leo stammered.
“Then you tell them that there are only TWO of us and we’re doin’ the best we fucking can!” Micole shouted.
Leo gulped. “I-I-I wanted t-to but t-there was just so many and I-I didn't want to cause a scene-”
“Uhg! I’m gonna have to teach you how to grow a backbone, aren’t I?” The cafe owner said, pinching the space between her eyes.
She turned to a black and purple radio with a pair of googly eyes with eyelashes.
“Melody! Help me out here!”
Out of nowhere, a candle fell over, hitting the knob of the radio. It started to play a melody from a very particular play… One that Leo was very familiar with.
The Pirates of Penzance.
She turned to Leo.
“Listen up, newbie.” She motions to herself as she started to sing. “ ~I am the very cardinal of a Caffeinated Culinary Confectiona~”
She skates over to drums on the large tubs on the marked coffee beans.
“~I've information on Arabica, Robusta, and Liberica~”
She motioned to the photos of an event that judged coffee and her interacting with them. After, she held up a book.
“~ I know the Coffee Champions, and I quote the beans historical ~”
She then pulls down a chart of Hell, pointing at said towns with a pointing staff.
“~ From Dreamsville to Pentagram, in order categorical
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters of dramatical ~”
She rolls over to the coffee machines, fixing the multiple orders of the customers.
“~I understand the ratios, both the simple and latical~”
She brews a mochaccino and hands it to him.
“~ About mochaccino, I am teeming with a lot o' news ~”
She then expertly slid all the cold brew orders down her shoulder and arm, all of them landing in front of each correct customer.
“~With many cheerful facts about the wondrous of cold brew !~”
As Micole sings, she starts dancing on her feet, until jumping on top of the counter and walking along it all while her legs beat to the rhythm of the song. Leo looks scared and confused out of his mind. He does NOT understand what's going on.
It doesn't get any better when Customers all put their hands on each other's shoulders and start singing like a pirate crew.
“~ With many cheerful facts about the wondrous of cold brew!
With many cheerful facts about the wondrous of cold brew!
With many cheerful facts about the wondrous of cold brew! ~”
Leo starts to slooooooowly backpedal out of the room until he hits something with his back. He turns around and sees Joe Java that somehow got from the counter and onto the floor to block his way. Questions on how or why it happened and whether or not the coffee machine is alive can't even start to process due to his anxieties hitting an all-time high, making him whimper.
“~ I'm very good at integral and differential frappuccino~”
She fixed multiple different frappuccinos, passing them out to the customers.
“~I know the scientific names of beings of leche, sans the lingo.~”
She then juggles the cartons of almond, soy, and regular milk.
“~In short, in matters of almond, soy, and especially dairy
I am the very cardinal of a caffeinated confectionist of culinary ~”
“ ~In short, in matters of almond, soy, and especially dairy
She is the very cardinal of a caffeinated confectionist of culinary~”
Everyone is dancing now, the entire café shaking from the neverending jumping of customers who keep up with Micole. The female imp was now putting on a pirate’s hat.
No.
Leo DOESN'T know where she got it.
“ ~I know our mythic history, Goatherder Kaldi, our glorious doc
She motions to an artwork of a goat Sinner.
“~ He plays hard acrostics, I'm pretty sure he now has dreadlocks ~”
She shows Leo the current picture that she has of said Kaldi, with his hair in dreadlocks and playing a guitar.
“~I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of caffeinated atrocities
In conics I can floor peculiarities monstrosities.~”
She suddenly stabs a newspaper article of a story about something a person did while brewing coffee, which caused Leo to jump. She then spun over to the coffee maker as she continued to fix other customers' orders.
~I can tell undoubted the Con panna, Skinny and Pour-Over
I know the croaking chorus from the French Press spillover!
Then I can hum a fugue of which I've heard the music's din afore
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense steam galore!~”
“ ~And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense steam galore!
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense steam galore!
And whistle all the airs from that infernal nonsense steam ga-galore!~”
At this point, everyone, including Micole, has their own cup of coffee they drink between verses.
Leo has no idea where they got it from but he's too afraid to ask.
“~ Then I can fix a Breve to a Baltimore in a storm
And tell you ev'ry detail of this remarkable mocha form
In short, in matters Arabica, Robusta and Liberica
I am the very cardinal of a caffeinated culinary confectiona! ~”
“ ~In short, in matters Arabica, Robusta, and Liberica
She is the very model of a modern Culinary-Confectiona! ~”
“~ In fact, when I know what is meant by “Ristretto” and “Affogato”
When I can tell at sight a latte from a Doppio
When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at
And when I know precisely what is meant by "commissariat"
When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern brewery
When I know more of tactics than a fool does in foolery
In short, when I've a smattering of flavor strategy
You'll say a better Culinary confectionist l has never sat a gee ~”
“~ You'll say a better Culinary-Confectionist has never sat a gee!
You'll say a better Culinary-Confectionist has never sat a gee!
You'll say a better Culinary-Confectionist has never sat a, sat a gee! ~”
“ ~For my espresso knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century
But still, in matters Arabica , Robusta, and Liberica
I am the very cardinal of a caffeinated culinary confectiona~”
“ ~ But still, in matters Arabica, Robusta, and Liberica
She is the very cardinal of a caffeinated culinary confectiona! ~”
As Micole sang her final note, she along with the other customers struck various eccentric poses. Leo just stood there in complete amazement and shock as he slowly clapped his hands. After a few seconds, Micole and everyone else broke off from their poses and went off as if everything was normal. Micole in particular skated up to the nervous imp with her arms crossed and a not-so-happy face to go along with it.
“Now then, what are you going to do?”
“S-stick to the register.”
“Good.”
Micole then skated off, leaving Leo alone at the register once more. While her little…. Performance was spectacular to say the least, Leo couldn't help but feel bad about not being able to be of much help around the cafe. It was only his first day, and not only has he left a bad impression on his boss, but also realized that he may have bitten off more than he could chew…
In the Vinebucks backroom, Paint was failing horribly at his job, which is to say he was failing at being a bad employee. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t bring himself to be mean to the customers. They all looked so sad, stressed out, and utterly depressed; Paint simply didn’t have the nerve to spew off any insults into their faces or various bodily fluids into their coffee.
I just hope Stephen and Darby will come through here.
Paint was tasked with the daring task of getting Stephen and Darby to the back rooms of Vinebucks. A task achieved through the bold strategy of the two walking through the front door and following Paint as he said that he was going on break.
“I'm going on break.”
“Man, I don't give a fuck.”
The risk play paid off as the trio entered the back rooms. They split up to do their parts, well Darby and Stephen went off to do their parts. Paint simply sat in the employee break room on his phone. After all, he was on break. Scrolling through Voxter and watching an interesting newscast involving an interview with the princess of hell. Stephen and Darby infiltrate the backrooms of the rival cafe in order to further sabotage the business, but hit a roadblock when they realize just how low quality the chain's goods already are.
“Hey Step, we may have a problem. I've added rat poison, itching powder, and some other shit I found lying around to their baked goods and I think I made them better somehow.”
Stephen, samples coffee and immediately spits.
“Yeah, their coffee isn't much better, I'm pretty sure this is literal dirt mixed in with the coffee grounds. Actually, hang on,” He ran outside, bending down as he licked a pile of nearby dirt. “Yep, actual dirt tastes better.”
“Remind me again how Micole's place is threatened by all of this?”
“It's cheaper, faster, and most of the Baristas won't try to stab you.”
“Good point.”
“Well if tainting their supplies won't do us any good, then it's time to turn to some good old-fashioned vandalism.”
Darby perked up. He started to open his mouth to make a suggestion but Stephen cut him off.
“We're not using the Paint Flail Maneuver for a simple sabotage scheme.”
Darby’s excitement died in an instant, arms falling to his sides as he grumbled about never being allowed to have any fun.
“Just start breaking shit! Trash everything in sight! That’ll put this place outta-”
The gator didn’t get another word out before the ceiling suddenly collapsed, a large form plummeting to the ground amidst a shower of dust, cheap insulation, and what looked like half-eaten roaches. Darby and Stephen took a step back from whatever the hell had just smashed its way into the room.
Upon further investigation, that large lump revealed itself to be an emaciated imp wearing a Vinebucks uniform. Their body was so thin and malnourished that said uniform was hanging off them like a poncho, nothing but skin and bone beneath the cheap fabrics.
“Please!” The imp wheezed, reaching for Stephen. “Help me!”
Before either of the duo had a chance to do anything, the Vinebucks manager came storming into the room with a disgruntled look.
“What the hell is going on in-” Their head whipped towards the imp on the floor. “Jerry?! What the shit? Have you been slacking off again? I told you a thousand times, you’re not allowed to eat roaches you find in the ceiling!”
“But it’s the only good meal I can get with my salary!” The imp whined.
The manager roughly grabbed the imp by the back of his shirt and hauled him onto his hooves. “We don’t pay you to eat, we pay you to give bare minimum customer service and push our reward cards. Now get your scrawny ass out there and do your Satan-damn job!”
The manager then slapped the imp across the back of his head with enough force to send the smaller demon stumbling out into the main area of the cafe where they were immediately accosted by the waiting customers in need of their caffeine fix. Once they were gone, the manager took notice of the two unfamiliar individuals standing in the middle of the room.
“And you two are?” they asked.
Darby glanced at Stephen and said the first thing that popped into his head. “Uh…repairmen?”
“For the iced coffee machine!” Stephen added, trying to play along.
“That thing’s just for show, it’s never operational.” The manager snorted. “There’s nothing here that needs fixing so how about you two dumbasses get the fuck outta here?”
“What about the big hole in the ceiling?” Stephen asked.
The Vinebucks manager looked up at the hole in question. “I guess that is a problem. Well go ahead, this whole place has a ridiculous insurance policy so payment won’t be an issue.”
“What do you mean?” asked Darby.
“You could literally smash everything in here and we’d have it replaced by tomorrow, no sweat. Big boss really got a steal on his coverage, only thing it doesn’t protect against is explosions but what are the odds of that happening? Anyways, have at it fuck-sticks.” the manager replied before strolling off into the back office.
Stephen seemed to deflate at the news, his nearly boundless confidence faltering for the first time when he realized this endeavor was proving to be far more difficult than he anticipated.
“So much for plan B.”
“I thought we were still on plan A?” Darby inquired.
“No we aren’t, keep up Darby!” The gator sinner snapped.
Darby held up his hands defensively. “Okay, okay. So scaring off the customers is out, poisoning the food is out, and vandalism is out. Any more ideas?”
“Give me a few minutes, I’ll think of something.”
Stephen absent-mindedly walked over to some bags of subpar coffee beans and took a seat. His eyes were lost in thought as he contemplated their next move. Seeing little else to do, Darby headed off to the breakroom to join Paint.
Said breakroom was about what he expected from a place this cheap: paint peeling off the walls, a pair of vending machines with generic brand snacks and drinks shoved into a corner next to a set of lockers seemingly on the verge of collapse, no windows in sight with the dinky light bulb hanging above serving as the only light source, and a rickety plastic table with equally unstable folding chairs set up in the middle of the room where Paint was currently unwinding; how the cheap furniture was holding up the pangolin’s bulk was a mystery for the ages.
In any case, Darby helped himself to the vending machines; using a little trade secret to obtain a free soda and bag of crackers from each one, before gently sitting down next to the sinner. Darby didn’t wanna risk breaking the chair by sitting down too fast.
“Hey Paint, we should probably get going soon.” Darby said, cracking open the soda.
Paint looked up from his phone, expression growing nervous. “Why?”
“Well, we just hit a dead end on plan c of this little scheme of Stephen's and we seem to be out of tricks.”
“Look, you haven't known Stephen for as long as I have. He'll figure something out, he always does……” Paint sighed. “Whether it be intentionally or not.”
“I guess, just seems like we met our match. Which is not what I thought I'd say about a shitty coffee chain.”
The two sat in silence for a moment, trying to think up a way to turn this around; preferably one that didn’t involve explosives. When suddenly, Darby’s phone went off and the caller id on the screen displayed Debbie’s name.
Darby quickly answered the call. “Hey Debs, what's up? Trouble?”
“No Darby, no trouble. I was just checking to see if you were almost done with whatever you boys were up to. We got some orders that need tending to soon, so I was hoping you'd be wrapping up.” The female sinner replied.
“Well I wouldn't exactly say it's wrapped up, but I think we might be done here. Unless you know how to tank a business that doesn't care about physical damage.” Darby grumbled.
There was a brief pause on Debbie’s end. “.......Have you tried review-bombing it?”
“Review what?” Darby said
“Review-bombing, it's when you leave a bunch of terrible reviews for something to try and kill its profitability.”
“Huh….okay, we might have something here then. Thanks Debbie, should be back soonish then.” Darby hung up the phone and turned to Paint. “Hey Paint, you familiar with review-bombing something?”
“Yeah, why……. Oh my God we could've just done that from the start, couldn't we?” Paint groaned, performing the classic facepalm maneuver.
“Yeah, but let's not think about it and get started,” Darby replied.
“It’s over, oh thank Satan it’s over!” Leo cried out, slumping over the countertop in relief.
The midday rush had finally trickled to a close and despite only manning the register, Leo was totally exhausted. All the terrible customers who Micole usually scared off had used Leo as a punching bag simply because he was the one behind the counter. Not that he wasn’t used to such treatment but it wasn’t an enjoyable experience regardless. The only saving grace was her coming over to give him a break.
“Okay, I think you’ve had enough for now. You can go on break for a bit.”
“R-really?”
“Yeah, there’s usually a bit of a lull after the midday rush so feel free to take a load off for a bit, I can man the counter myself for an hour or two.”
Leo nods at Micole as he stumbles out from behind the counter into one of the unoccupied seats.
At this point he is seriously considering going back to try out for the maid job at the hotel, regretting ever taking this job and wondering what the hell he was even thinking. It had only been a day and he’d been dealing with nothing but non-stop insanity since the moment he walked in the door.
“Rough day?”
Leo looks up to see a tall and slender Wrath imp looking down at him with a warm gaze of concern, a warm cup of coffee in one hand and an old laptop tucked under her other arm. Her black hair had been tied into a messy ponytail with a pair of tired yet friendly eyes sitting behind crooked eyeglasses, while her outfit had more of an ashen theme to it: off-white dress, black corset belt, and grey leggings accompanied by a pair of black heel boots to complete the look.
“I guess you could say that….”
The newcomer slides into the seat across from him and places her laptop on the table while keeping a grip on her coffee cup.
“Spill.”
Leo blinked at the command.
“Huh?”
“Seems like you want to talk or vent out. So by all means. I’m known to be a good listener.”
“You sure you don’t mind?”
“I work in HR. Try me.”
While Leo was tempted to tell her to shove off so he didn’t become a burden, there was a sort of friendly aura to her that made him feel a bit more like opening up to her. So the imp took in a deep breath and unloaded all the stress he had gone through over the last day or so: the increase in rent, his failed job search, his job at Micole’s cafe, and the chaos he went through with both the customers and Micole. At the end, Leo expected the mystery female imp to look at him crazily or like he was a weirdo. She just stared at him passively.
“Ah, seems rough. And sorry about the job shift with Micole. She can get a bit carried away when it comes to her cafe. It’s her baby. But she’s a sweetheart off the clock.”
“But I don’t know if I can do this!” He laminated. “Is this job even worth it?! 20 souls per hour is great but dealing with the customers and Micole. Maybe I should quit…I’m sure there are other jobs in Pride I could find…”
“There are, unfortunately, it would depend on what skills you have and what you are willing to do. Also, you need to be aware of the discrimination here in Pride. Most work here in Pride is geared towards sinners, which leaves hellborns with the leftover blue-collar work or grunt work in some cases. And that’s only if you get the job.”
Leo groaned, covering his face in his hands.
“In other words, I’m screwed.”
“Hey, don’t be down.” She placed a hand on his shoulder. “Trust me, Micole’s cafe isn’t that bad. Sure you have to deal with asshole customers, but that doesn’t mean you have to deal with that shit. I mean, look at Micole.”
The smaller imp gawked at her.
“She threatens and tries to attack them!”
“Yeah, and it keeps them in order.”
“Is that even legal?”
“In Hell, yes. Especially in Pride where the Sinner population is through the roof and they can’t really die.”
“But I’m not really the threatening type of person. And have you seen some of those demons that come in?! I don’t know if I can handle this.”
“How about this: I’ll lend you a hand in your next shift.” the imp suggested.
Leo did a double-take. “Wait, what?!”
“Sure, I’ll ask Micole to hand me an apron and I’ll help you control the crowd and deal with the orders. I’ve done a couple of shifts here when Micole asked for some backup.” the imp continued.
“You know Micole?”
“Yep, we've known each other for a long time.” the imp said, standing up from her seat. “I’ll go talk to her and see if I can lend you a hand. I can man the coffee station and if any customers give you shit, let me know.”
“Are you gonna scare them off like Micole?” Leo asked.
The imp grinned. “Let’s just say that the HR I work at has me handling information on many of the residents of Pride.”
“O…kay?” Leo said.
He had no idea what the imp meant by that but judging by her tone it couldn’t have been anything good.
“I’ll let you enjoy your break. You still have half an hour before you get back. Just think it over.”
She then strolled over to where the cafe owner was tending to the other customers. Leo was half expecting her to get stabbed or something when she tapped on Micole’s shoulder, so imagine his surprise when he saw Micole give a happy jump, practically hugging the other female imp from across the counter.
…Shit, he didn’t even get her name.
Though…what the other imp told him…. Would it be worth it? Working for a stab-happy boss? The pay was far more decent than anywhere else and while Micole was a complete nutcase, Leo’s worked with far more unstable individuals (his current boss included on that list); compared to them, she was actually quite pleasant…
The imp whistled to get his attention.
“And before I forget, there are two things you should know: first, the name’s Cynical. I’m Micole’s best friend.”
“Oh, okay. What’s the other thing?” Leo asked.
“You might wanna hit the deck.”
Before Leo had the opportunity to ask what the hell that meant, a large explosion coming from across the street cut him off; the force of the blast was so cataclysmic that it not only wiped out half the block but it sent a shock wave through the nearby buildings, shattering the windows instantly. The only structure that was spared was Micole’s place, the reinforced bulletproof glass she installed stood strong against the rush of wind.
“W-W-W-WHAT THE FUCK?!” Leo sputtered.
Cynical sighed, shaking her head.
“Looks like Stephen’s been busy today.”
Five minutes earlier
“Holy crap, I did not expect this to be so effective,” Darby remarked.
“Tell me about it. We’ve only been at this for a few minutes and it’s already getting results.” Paint agreed.
After spending a good chunk of time on WHELP, creating fake accounts to drop one-star reviews with a few made-up stories to go along with it, Darby and Paint had pretty much killed Vinebucks’ business. Earlier the cafe had been fairly packed but with each review, the stream of customers became less and less until it was so dead that the demonic duo thought for sure they saw a tumbleweed pass through the main floor.
Not only that, the owner had taken notice and had stopped in to see what the problem was and the guy was going ballistic at the news. Paint and Darby used the opportunity to peek out from the backroom and enjoy the fireworks.
“Rats in the pastries? Piss in the coffee machine? VEROSIKA MAYDAY SONGS PLAYING ON THE RADIO?! WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU MORONS BEEN DOING WITH MY BUSINESS!” Vinny screamed.
“Sir I-” the Vinebucks manager began only for the Vineagroon to grab him by the throat and lift the poor bastard off the ground.
“DON’T SIR ME! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT WAS TO GET THIS SPOT? I BOUGHT FORGED DOCUMENTS, BRIBED ZONING BOARDS, AND EVEN HAD A BUS FULL OF ELDERLY IMPS DRIVEN OFF A CLIFF!”
“Remind me again why you had to do that last thing?” The Vinebucks manager choked out.
“IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER! POINT IS I’VE PUT TOO MUCH TIME AND MONEY INTO THIS PLACE TO HAVE IT SUNK ON DAY ONE! AND- YOU!” The lousy-coffee owner dropped the manager and turned his fury towards Paint and Darby. “WHAT ARE YOU TWO IDIOTS DOING JUST STANDING AROUND HERE?! I DON’T PAY YOU LESS THAN MINIMUM WAGE SO YOU CAN SLACK OFF! GET YOUR ASSES OUT HERE AND HELP ME DRUM UP SOME-”
“GATOR CHOP BITCH!” Stephen yelled, appearing out of absolutely nowhere.
The reptilian sinner karate-chopped Vinny right in the throat, causing the corrupt tycoon to let out a gasp and fall to his knees. While he was busy clawing at his throat and coughing up a storm, Stephen motioned for his companions to follow him.
“C’MON BOYS WE GOTTA SKEDADDLE!” Stephen exclaimed
Considering the Vinebucks owner was going to be EXTREMELY pissed off as soon as he recovered from the blow, Paint and Darby didn’t need to be told twice and quickly followed their ringleader out into the street.
“HURRY! I DON’T KNOW HOW LARGE THE BLAST RADIUS IS GONNA BE!” Stephen shouted.
“Blast radi- STEPHEN WHAT DID YOU DO?!” Paint snapped.
“NO TIME! JUST GET DOWN!”
Stephen tackled both Paint and Darby to the ground as soon as they reached the other end of the street, shielding their bodies with his own (rather ineffectively, I might add, given his beanpole build). From there he simply braced himself for the explosion…
And braced himself….
And braced himself…
After about four and a half minutes of this, Stephen peeked up in confusion.
“Huh…thought it would have gone off by now.” the alligator remarked.
“What would have gone off?!” Darby asked.
“Well after sitting on it for a while, I remembered that the manager said their insurance didn’t cover big explosions. So I fucked around with the boiler for a bit until it was rigged to explode, or at least I thought I did. Musta screwed up somewhere when I was turning the pressure valves. Now I gotta come up with another plan.” Stephen shrugged.
“Don’t worry, you won’t have to. Darby and I already took care of it.” Paint said, holding out his phone.
Stephen's eyes lit up the moment he realized what he was looking at. “Oh! You were talking smack about the place on the internet! That’s genius! Glad I thought of it!”
“But you didn’t-” Darby began.
Stephen pressed a finger against the imp’s lips. “Shhh, let me have this. Now mind if I take a look at some of those fake reviews, I wanna see what you guys came up w-”
*BOOM*
The hapless trio was knocked off their feet by the abrupt explosion originating from the Vinebucks, all three of them falling to the pavement as the sounds of roaring flames and crumbling rubble filled their ears. As soon as the mayhem had run its course, Stephen started laughing like a maniac.
“THERE WE GO! THERE’S THE EXPLOSION! I KNEW I DID IT RIGHT!” Stephen chortled.
“DAMN IT STEPHEN! THAT’S THE SECOND TIME TODAY!” Paint shouted.
“Give me some slack! I got us out of the blast radius this time and nobody got hurt!”
“MY FLESH! IT’S FALLING OFF MY BONES!” the voice of Vinny Slick screeched through the blazing ruins that was once his place of business.
Darby and Paint gave Stephen a disapproving look.
“…nobody important got hurt.” Stephen clarified.
Paint started huffing, having reached his limit for Stephen’s antics for the day, and geared up to give his friend the scolding of a lifetime. But just as he was about to burst, the fire in Paint’s gut lost its strength and the guy deflated like a sad little balloon. Offering up nothing but a tired sigh in response.
“So now that’s over with….” Darby spoke up. “You guys wanna celebrate with some red velvet cake?”
“Yes please.” Paint muttered.
Stephen looked back at Micole’s cafe. “Actually I gotta take care of a little something first.”
“You’ve been pretty busy today man, don’t you think you should sit down for a bit?” Darby asked.
“It’ll only take a second. Don’t worry, I’ll catch up with you guys soon.” Stephen said, waving him off.
“Fine, suit yourself.”
The imp and the pangolin strolled off towards the former’s place of business, leaving Stephen alone to take care of whatever crazy plan had popped into his head now. As the con man moved to re-enter Micole’s cafe, he found himself bumping into Cynical on the way in.
“Hiya C.” Stephen said
“Stephen.” Cynical nodded, motioning to the rubble that was once a Vinebucks. “Your work I take it?”
Stephen grinned. “You know me so well. Anyways, is Micole’s new sidekick still here?”
“Leo? Yeah, he’s right over there taking a bit of a breather. You’re not trying to get him involved in one of your schemes are you?”
“Nah, this is pleasure, not business,” Stephen said.
Micole then skated up to the duo.
“Stephen?”
“Yeah, Micki?” Stephen responded, then yelped when she kicked his knee. “Ow!!”
“First of all, DON’T CALL ME MICKI!!! And second, was the owner of the place still inside when it blew?”
He nodded his head.
“Good. Saves me the trouble of killing him myself. I owe ya one.”
“Can ya take a few bucks off my tab then?”
Micole shot him a glare.
“Don’t push it.”
She skated off to tend to her customers.
“Well, I’ll leave you to your little sit down with Leo, see you tomorrow night?” Cynical inquired.
Stephen grinned, shooting her some finger guns.
“Of course!”
With that Cynical maneuvered around Stephen and exited the cafe, while the alligator sinner approached Leo who appeared to be caught up in deep thought.
Stephen tapped his knuckles against the table.
“Hey, this seat taken?”
“Oh, Leviathan it’s you!” Leo despaired.
“It’s meeeee!” Stephen teased as he slid into the seat across from Leo.
“What do you want now? I’m on my break.”
“Well I was wondering if you were up for a bit of clubbing tomorrow night,” Stephen answered.
Leo blinked in bewilderment, completely taken off guard by the response.
“Huh?”
“Every week or so, the whole gang goes out for a night on the town, having some good clean fun…or as clean as you can get in this place. I’ve been asking around and we’d love ta have you tag along.” Stephen explained.
“Y-you're not messing with me, are you? I h-hardly even know you! Hardly t-think we're at the point of hanging out e-especially after that!” Leo whimpered, pointing at all the destruction outside.
“Oh c’mon! I don’t bite!”
The gator put on a smile that was meant to be soft and comforting; but the rows upon rows of razor sharp teeth that were put on display, teeth that looked like they could bite through solid steel, completely ruined the effect.
“Y-yeah, I really doubt that!”
“Fine, ya got me. I do bite but only the people I don’t like and I like you friend! You seem like a fun guy! Besides, you’ll have five other people watching your back out there, it’ll be fun I promise!”
Leo thought about it for a few seconds. He's never really…. HAD friends before, not even back at Envy, and he wouldn't really call his co-workers at his other job "friends”. Leo had found himself in a little bit of a conundrum: if he refused, who knows how this Stephen guy would react? Leo had already seen firsthand what he was capable of and part of him was convinced the sinner was putting on a fake ensemble to get Leo to bring his guard down; however, if he chose to accept the offer then either it would reach the same outcome or…or he’d be pleasantly surprised by the proceedings and actually have fun for the first time in, well forever! So the choice was rather obvious.
“F-fine. Just…. No tricks o-ok?”
Stephen chuckled.
“Sorry bud, can’t promise you tha-AAAHHH!”
Out of nowhere, the alligator started screaming and Leo looked over his shoulder to see Micole standing there, roughly tugging on Stephen’s tail.
“Stop scaring the newbie!” She scolded him.
“Okay! Okay! No tricks! Just wholesome friend fun! Now let go of my tail!” Stephen pleaded.
Micole did exactly that and skated off, while Stephen brought the extra appendage around and gently cradled it in his arms.
“Phew, that was close. Thought I was gonna have to spend a week growing this thing back…again.”
“S-she’s a scary lady isn’t she?” Leo gulped.
“Yeah but…it’s not her fault she’s like this.”
The gator’s tone sounded cryptid. Making the Envy-imp anxious.
“W-what’s that mean?”
“Ain’t my story to tell my friend. Anyways, see ya tomorrow night!” Stephen cheerfully said as he sauntered off.
Leo buried his face in his arms. “Satan, I hope I don’t wake up in a bathtub full of ice tomorrow.”
EPILOGUE
The sun had begun to set when the still burned Vinegaroon Sinner approached the smoking remains of his business, a "for sale" sign set up in front of the building. He was accompanied by a succubus who seemed to be filling out paperwork as she walked behind him. As he changed the "for sale" to "sold" the succubus handed the finished paperwork to the chain owner. He begrudgingly accepted the final step in the selling of his most recent acquisition and turned to speak to the woman that had just bought the property.
“Look, just a heads up. I'm pretty sure the knife-happy bitch across the street had something to do with this!” He gestures to the crater of his recently destroyed coffee shop. “So don't be surprised if the same shit happens to you, and good luck finding a buyer if shit goes tits up for you.”
The mysterious succubus gives the singed sinner a condescending smirk before speaking.
“Oh please, I know how to handle little Micki. We went to high school together, I'm sure she'd be happy to see an old friend like me.”