Chapter Text
You were going to always be the cool parent. It was a promise you’d made to yourself since he was a kid. You weren’t going to be the nagging mom or the disinterested father. You were going to be his friend, his cool as fuck guardian, his Bro.
You wanted to always be there for him without being obnoxiously overbearing, and you think he picked up on that. You helped him grow stronger, but respected his space. You used a parenting technique most would probably consider unhealthy, but you respected Dave and Dave respected you, and underneath all of that there was a mutual bond stronger than anything a parenting book could have taught you.
It was your job to raise him. And dysfunctional as you may be you were going to do just that.
Which was why when Dave came shuffling in at ten o’ clock from what should have been an all-night sleepover at John’s, you knew something was up.
“Hey,” you said off-handedly, looking up from a shitty reality TV show you hadn’t been paying much attention to.
“Yo,” He replied, not sparing you a glance as he slouched a little lower in his oversized hoodie.
“You’re back early. Everything alright?”
You watched his face twitch slightly as he walked a little too quickly towards his room.
“What? Yeah of course Bro. John just had some homework or something. You know I’m still trying to break him of his nerdy ways.”
He voice wavered just the slightest bit at John’s name. It was subtle, barely noticeable to the average ear, but to a Strider it was obvious. You knew something was wrong. And he knew you knew it too.
Within seconds you’d flashstepped in front of him, hand reaching for his shoulder. He froze as soon as he saw your blurred form moving towards him before bursting into a full run towards his room.
“Oh no you don’t you little-“
He turned around suddenly to land a solid punch into your chest. A perfect hit; surprise element, solid windup, heavy trust, ideal aim. Just like you taught him. Unfortunately for him, you’d taught him that with the impression of protecting himself against some loser in a dark alleyway, not going up against the picture of perfection like yourself. You watched his eyes widen behind his shades as you took the hit without the slightest falter. He retracted his hand as if you burned him, shaking a little as he backed up.
Oh yeah, little man. You’re in deep shit now.
“You gonna tell me what’s wrong? Or are we going to have to take this to the roof.”
You watched him bite his lip in frustration, knowing he’d drawn the short end of the stick no matter what option he chose.
“Nothing’s wrong, Bro.”
“Oh, something’s definitely wrong.”
“I’m chill as fuck.”
“Sure you are.”
“I’m serious.”
“Yeah, and I’m Beyoncé.”
“Oh my God, Bro. I’m fine.”
“Something happened, didn’t it?”
“No Bro. Nothing happened.”
“Please. I can tell when something’s up from a mile away.”
“Can you just go back to doing whatever it is you do when you’re not being an asshole?”
He looked you in the eye, his fiery-red gaze bright enough to pierce you through two layers of tinted shades. If you hadn’t been so concerned with pressing him for information, you would have given him props for standing up to you. But now wasn’t the time for ego flattering. You could tell by the quiver of his jaw and the slump of his posture that something went down at his friend’s house. And you weren’t the type to let up when you wanted info.
“It’s Egbert, isn’t it.”
“No it’s not.”
“What did that little shit do-“
“Bro. John didn’t do anything.”
“Then what happened?”
“Why do you care?”
“Because you’re my kid. And I’m actually a semi-decent guy at times.”
Dave bit his lip. Striders never bite their lips.
“Nothing. Nothing happened. Please, I just want to be alone.”
He turned around and was about halfway through his second flashstep stride before you pulled him to a halt by the arm. Bugger had gotten fast, but not fast enough. He didn’t struggle anymore though, just sort of wilted in defeat.
“Dave.”
He refused to look at you.
“I was… I was just stupid, okay?”
There were tell-tale signs of emotion you’d learned to pick up on through your parenting years. Dave’s constricting and swallowing throat, his subtly shaking shoulders, his too-tight frown; he was holding back tears. A small ping of guiltiness hit your heart in the fact he wouldn’t talk to you, much less show emotion in front of you, but there was no time for parenting regrets now.
“Hey… It’s alright. I don’t know what happened, but you can talk to me-“
“I kissed him.”
He still refused to look at you, but the back of his ears flushed the lightest shade of pink.
“Wha-“
“I was an idiot and I kissed him. John, my best friend. Are you happy now?”
Oh.
You were so surprised at the unexpected answer you let him slip through your grasp and run to his room, where the door was promptly slammed closed and locked. This could be more complicated than you thought, but big-brother instincts were unyielding.
You walked up to his door and slowly knocked, hearing something that sounded like a strained “Fuck off, Bro,” coming from behind it. On most occasions you would have barreled down the door and challenged him to a strife, but this dealt with a little more complicated matters. Matters of which you weren’t the most experienced with.
“Dave?”
No answer.
“Dave, it’s okay if you like him.”
A muffled “No it’s not,” echoed back at you.
“Dave, I’m coming in.”
You twisted the knob with enough force to break the lock and almost take the door off its hinges. It would be fine though, you kept spare doorknobs in the kitchen and spare doors in the garage. The worst that could happen was Dave throwing a fit about it again, though you knew he wouldn’t be in the mood right now.
Dave was sitting on his bed, legs tucked up against his body, shades off, eyes puffy and red (well, more than usual), giving you a death glare that would rival Satan. You stepped cautiously towards him, not wanting to start a fight he obviously wasn’t in the emotional state to handle. He didn’t explode on you though; he just rested his face against his knees as if to hide it.
“I hope you know I don’t care.”
“John cares.”
You frowned.
“Since when do you give a shit what other people think? I taught you better than that.”
“Since I royally fucked things up with my best friend.”
He let out a self-suppressed whimper, and you maneuvered your way through the wires and discarded items on his bedroom floor to sit next to him as casually possible.
“You wanna talk about it?”
“No.”
You let out a small huff of air at his attitude.
“You like him?”
“…”
“You can tell me. It’s fine.”
“I… Yeah, I do.”
“Like in a hormone-induced I-want-to-fuck-you kind of way? Or like like-like.”
“You just managed to use three ‘like’s in one sentence. Congrats on breaking the English language, Bro-“
“Answer the question.”
He looked up at you hesitantly.
“Like like-like…?” he said meekly, his cheeks turning a shade of scarlet that looked unnatural on him.
“Uh huh,” you said thoughtfully.
“Dammit this is stupid. Can you just like give me some time or something I’m really not in the mood right now-“
“Dave this is important shit. And unfortunately for both of us I’m required to work you through it.”
“Says who?”
“Says the mighty spirit of big brothers up on the Tsundere Mountains. It’s written in the clouds lil’ man. Written. In. The. Clouds.”
“I’m not having this conversation right now.”
“Oh but you are. Now tell me what happened so we can both pretend I’m a good guardian.”
He gave you a scowl, but you simply wrapped your arms around him. It was rather strange for the both of you (him stiffening at the unexpected contact and you struggling to formulate how to make the ironic bro-hug less awkward) but soon he relaxed just enough for you to know he’d appreciated it.
“I- Well I sort of- I don’t know,” he mumbled, and you felt him slightly lean his body against you.
“Real descriptive there, Dickenson. Glad I can understand you situation a little better now.”
He shoved you off of him, which in retrospect you probably deserved.
“I just- He’s really great you know? John I mean. Like, he’s a nerd, but there’s something really infectious about him and at first it was like ‘hey man we’re totally best bros’ but now it’s kind of ‘hey man I know I said we were bros but can I maybe kiss you’ which make things totally awkward, you know? Only I didn’t phrase it like that in fact I didn’t really say anything at all. We were just watching a movie and he got all starry-eyed like he always does and I just… sort of… leaned in… and kissed him.”
You watched as your usually stoic brother hide his face and curl into an even tighter ball.
“And…?” you said, not really wanting to seem too pushy but ending up anyway.
“What do you mean ‘and’?! I’m a loser. An absolute fuck up.”
“No you’re not. Now tell me what happened next.”
He tried to wipe the water from his eyes as inconspicuously as possible.
“He asked me what the hell I was doing.”
“And what did you do?”
“I…” he paused, “I just… ran.”
He burst into tears.
Whoa whoa whoa. Holy shit what were you supposed to do. Dave. Dave no. Dave please stop crying you’re not supposed to cry. No stop. Stop that right now!
You gently placed your arm around him and patted his back. He continued to sob though, and you realized you hadn’t seen him cry since he was a toddler. He reached forward to clutch your shirt, trying his hardest to muffle his tears while he leaned against your chest.
“Oh God. Please don’t cry. I’m serious. Dave. Please don’t.”
He whimpered softly against you.
“He hates me Bro… He hates me… And I probably look so fucking lame right now and you probably think I’m the weakest excuse for a life form ever and I’m sorry I’m so so sorry-“
“Dave, get ahold of yourself.”
“I’m a fucking failure. It’s so stupid and I’m so stupid but I just love him. I goddamn love him Bro and you probably think that’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard because he’s John, but I love him. I love him and no one understands-“
“Dave.”
He stopped talking, suddenly aware of how whiney his voice had gotten.
“You think you’re the first person to ever put it all out there and fail? That you’re the only person to ever have a crush? We all have our John Egbert, that first person we fall so fucking hard for nothing else even matters. And just because you confessed doesn’t make you weak. It just makes you brave as hell.”
He sniffed.
“Now pull yourself together.”
He nodded.
“It’s just not fair, you know?” he said quietly.
“Life isn’t fair. You got stuck with me as an older brother after all.”
He laughed. It wasn’t the most exuberant laugh, but it was a laugh none the less.
“Now listen to me. We all have that person who sits in front of us in class, you know the one, with bright eyes and a cute smile. That one person who lights up our world without even knowing it. That one person who you’ll never ever be with but still love anyway. That one you feel like you’ll never get over. Everyone has a crush. Everyone has a John Egbert in their lives.”
You watched as Dave shrugged, looking less than impressed, so you continued.
“Everyone in your high school? Has or had a John Egbert. Your teachers? Had a John Egbert. Your principle? Had a John Egbert. That old lady that walks her devil Pomeranian in front of our apartment building? Had a John Egbert.”
Dave rolled his eyes.
“Okay Bro I think you’re taking the metaphor a little too far. It’s getting creepy.”
You smirked.
“My point is you have a John Egbert. Who is actually John Egbert. And if things work out between you two? Great. Things don’t? You’re just like everyone else in the world. Even me.”
“You’re shitting me,” Dave scoffed.
“Hm?”
“You’ve never had someone turn you down. Quit trying to relate to me. It’s never gonna work.”
“I’m serious!”
“Yeah right.”
“What, just because I’m old I’m not entitled to a high school romance?”
“Nah. I just can’t see you fawning over someone like an average school girl,” Dave said with a grin that looked much more familiar on his face.
“You better believe it. It was like a plot straight from the animes.”
“Yeah still not convinced.”
You shot him a coy smile, straightening your glasses and raising your hands in your best story teller impression like you used to when he was a kid.
“Then imagine this; tenth grade, English class, new transfer student.”
“Oh God this sounds lame already-”
“Gets sat down right next to me. Right next to me, Dave. Like it was foretold in the stars.”
“It just got worse-“
“So I look over at him. Scrawny, weeabo, fifteen year old me. And what does he do? He shoots me a wink with two hand-pistols like he’s in a fucking movie. It went straight to my heart Dave. You don’t even know how cute he was.”
“Wait you had a crush on a guy-“
“Anyway. I showed him around the school, introduced him to my two friends, and he hit it right off with all of us.”
“Bro I’m serious you never told me you had a thing for dudes-“
“God, I remember him now. He was shorter than me but stronger, and knew how to strife too. All bright green eyes and buck teeth and cheesy movie quotes and fake British accent. He was downright perfect.”
“He sounds lame-“
“So him and I soon became best friends. Which was great because there was only so much I could talk about with two girls as friends, no offense to Roxy and Jane because they were fantastic, but Jake, Jake, was amazing.”
“Wait a minute are you just copying me and John’s story and changing the names-“
“No fucking way. Jake was way cooler than John. Me and him could wrestle and talk forever. We arranged all our classes to be next to each other. And before I knew it I was fucking in love with him.”
“Bro if this is some twisted form of pitying me-“
“Shhhh. This is the part where shit starts to go down. See, my friend Roxy picked up on my intentions pretty quickly-“
“Oh my God. You can just say Rose. I know this is some parody of my romance life-“
“And she was caught in-between sides because our friend Jane also liked Jake-”
“No dude. Since when did anyone say Jade had the hots for John-“
“For the last time this isn’t about you. This is the tragic story of my first heartbreak. Now shut up and listen. You should feel honored in the fact I’ve never told anyone this.”
Dave seemed annoyed, but closed his mouth.
“So Jane-and before you get any ideas about us hating each other let me tell you we were best friends- also harbored an infatuation for our friend. And it sort of became a race to see who could confess to him without actually confessing to him first.”
“Let me guess; she did, you lost your loser almost-boyfriend, and they lived happily ever after while you grew up to run a porn site and do a shitty job of raising your little brother.”
“Nope. But… close,” you said, suddenly feeling a rush of emotion you weren’t expecting hit your chest.
(You weren’t going to admit to yourself it was still there though. That would be uncool.)
“I… confessed first. After a long period of wooing and an even longer period of intricate courtship, I just came out and said it.”
Dave looked up at you expectantly. You cocked your head in curiosity.
“And…?” he said, gazing up at you with interest.
“And what?”
“What happened?!”
“Oh, do you actually care about my childhood now?”
Dave groaned.
“Just tell me what fucking happened.”
“Strange, I remember asking you the same thing not too long ago.”
“BRO!”
“Okay, okay. Calm your broken-hearted man-tits. So I confessed and he got all flustered and then…”
You swallowed down an emotion you weren’t even going to classify. Nope. There was no feeling left in that part of your heart at all.
“He just sort of… rejected me. He apologized, which I thought was weird, and he asked if I would still consider him a dear friend, which I of course accepted… And he ended up turning down Jane too… and just took off to explore Africa after high school… but still… It was just kind of…”
“Heartbreaking?” Dave said quietly.
You felt something that had been patched up in your chest shatter again.
“Yeah, little man. Heartbreaking.”
You both sat there for a moment, neither of you really feeling like the silence warranted breaking. It wasn’t awkward though. If anything it was relaxing. You heard Dave sigh softly.
“He still sounds a lot like John.”
You nodded.
“He was my John Egbert after all.”
“You still love him?” Dave asked.
“He’s probably married by now.”
“But you still love him.”
“…Yeah.”
“You think I’m as doomed with Egbert as you were with him?”
“I don’t know. That’s for you guys to figure out,” you shrugged.
“Oh.”
“But just between you and me, Egbert has a way higher chance of being gay than Jake.” You said with a wink.
Dave punched you.
“Whatever.” He mumbled.
“Now c’mon kid. I, Bro Strider, as head of this household, proclaim chocolate chip ice cream and Adele songs for the rest of the night as we ironically cry over bright eyed bucktoothed losers in glasses.”
Dave smiled. Genuinely smiled. It made your freshly re-wounded heart heal just the slightest.
“Fuck yeah. That sounds badass in the most ironic way possible-“
The doorbell rang.
You both jumped against your trained senses.
Dave looked like he’d just seen a ghost.
“Bro you don’t think-“
You shushed him quietly, exiting his room and flashstepping to the front door. You took a deep breath and opened the door to a mess of black hair and glasses that reminded you way to much of Jake right now.
John Egbert stood in front of you, looking scared with just the slightest bit of determination as you glared at him from beneath your shades.
“Your dad know you’re here, kid?” you said in a rather monotone voice that greatly contradicted the one you’d been feelings-jamming with Dave with.
“He’s in the car downstairs…” John said, voice thinning as he shrunk under your gaze.
“Uh huh.”
“C-Can I speak with Dave please?” he squeaked.
“Depends on what you’ve got to say to him-“
“Bro.”
You looked behind you to see Dave standing firmly, his arms planted in front of his chest and his face re-covered by his aviators. The ones John had given him, you noticed.
“Come on in John,” he said, not speaking anything more to you.
(It didn’t stop you from whispering “you break his heart and I’ll break your neck” into John’s ear as he passed. You’ve never felt prouder as a parent.)
John paled, put followed Dave to the futon as you shut the door.
“Look Dave…” He started, but Dave waved a hand to dismiss him.
“You don’t even have to go there, bro. What I did was stupid. And I’m sorry. I realize I probably made you feel pretty fucking uncomfortable didn’t I?”
John bit his bottom lip in nervousness, shifting his gaze from you to Lil Cal to everywhere in the room that wasn’t Dave’s face.
“D-Do… Do you like me?” He almost whispered.
Dave pursed his lips.
“Does it matter? We’re best bros.”
“It does. Actually.”
Dave stayed silent. You decided to back into the kitchen to give them some privacy while still making sure you could kick Egbert out of the house if need be.
“Dave I promise I’m not gonna end our friendship or whatever you’re afraid of. I just really need to know!”
“I…” Dave was blushing, he must really love this kid, “Yeah, Egbert. I do. And I know that’s really fucked up. And… And I’m sorry.”
John looked like he was processing way more than his brain could handle.
“You don’t have to be sorry! I just… am figuring out what to do.”
“Look dude you don’t have to figure out anything. Just forget I even did anything and we can just get on with our eternal broship-“
“But Dave I kind of like you too and-!”
You could have heard a smuppet drop as both you and Dave froze.
“-And I’m just not really sure what to do.” John said, his own face blushing now.
You watched and envisioned the downward spiral of Dave’s stoic mask. The shock, the disbelief, the self-doubt if what he heard was real, the realization, more disbelief, happiness, and finally-
“Oh my God, why are you crying?!” You heard John exclaim as tears drained from Dave’s eyes.
He smiled though. And fucking jumped on Egbert, who yelped.
“You’re serious?” He asked, way too excited to pass as a Strider.
John laughed.
“Yeah- I- Yeah I guess I am.”
Dave hugged his friend (well, now boyfriend you guess, the lucky kid) and smiled.
What the fuck happened to the kid you raised.
“Then… can we maybe continue our ironic bro-sleepover?” He asked.
Really what the fuck happened to him.
He gave John the most hopeful, innocent look you'd ever seen.
What the hell, Dave.
John smiled, his buckteeth showing in a way that was all too familiar.
“Of course! My dad’s in the car and you left your stuff at my place-“
You cocked an eyebrow as your little brother kissed the blue-eyed boy right on the mouth. It wasn’t exactly intimate, barely a peck, but it made the corners of your mouth perk up just slightly. When they were finished gazing into each other’s eyes, Dave glanced at you.
“Bro… Can I-“
“Of course.”
He ran up and hugged you. The force of it almost knocked you off balance.
“See ya kid. No fucking until you’re eighteen.”
You received a punch to the gut from Dave as John’s face turned red.
“Thanks Bro.” Dave said, all cool and collected suddenly as if he hadn’t spent the night crying.
He grabbed John’s hand, and carefully gave you a controlled wave, walking towards the door.
You vaguely heard John going on about watching a movie with some adventurous uncle of his, but your heart was too busy watching them hold hands as they walked through the hallway towards the elevator. For a brief second you imagined you and English there, and the resemblance was almost startling.
You sighed as you shut the door, going straight towards the untouched ice cream in the freezer and pulling your IPhone and headphones out.
After all, Jake English was still your John Egbert. And Adele music was still ironic.