Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He knew how Spy looked like before he took off the mask and give it to his daughter.

Although it has been years, Jeremy knows because it is the same face that stared back at him every morning when he’s brushing his teeth.

He got his eyes and facial structure.

Ma always said that he looks like him and his brothers also teased him about it, joked that the guy practically birthed him with the way Jeremy is identical to the Spy Guy when he hit 19.

Jeremy never felt too strongly about these statements but he does feel a bit disappointed that Ma didn’t say he looks like her. Never did, except for the bucktooth.

He really wish she would say he look like her when growing up because why would he looked like someone who never attended a parents-teacher meeting, someone who did not take him to baseball practices, someone who never teach him how ride a bike, someone who didn’t put his drawings on the fridge or even knows that he draw. It was an insult to him that he shared the same face with someone he never even know.

His entire life revolves around Ma and his brothers. Never a father in the picture and yet, he looks like him out of all people.

However, in all complete honesty, he does not resent Spy.

It’s hard to explain really. Some nights he prayed for Spy to get hit by a car and some nights he would prayed that Spy wouldn’t be dead when he doesn’t see him in three days. Most of the other mercenaries, his friends, believed he doesn’t know about his and Spy relations and try to give him all the hints in the world. His reaction would always be denial back then no matter how much they try to imply in his face. To be frank, it was their issue and the others shouldn’t interfere even if they thought they were helping because they were not. These days, they never really bothered him about it.

He respected his older colleagues but he’s also not looking for a dad to teach him how to do stuffs that he can figured out himself. No offense to Engineer who tried to get him into mechanic when he brought his motorbike over and Heavy who tried to teach him how to read. Beside, he can always ask his ma and brothers for some help.

The only few people he thinks that could understand him was Demoman and Sniper to an extend.

He had a conversation with Demo about fathers. It only happened once but it stayed with him and changed his amount of respect towards the Scot.

It was cliché, it happened at night, few bottles around and his body was slightly buzzed. He had some goosebumps along his arms but the campfire that was put on by Pyro was giving him enough comfort. It was nice and pleasant and so was the conversation they were going to have.

Thinking about it, he didn’t have it as bad as Demo. The guy accidentally murdered his adoptive parent and his real parent came and brought him back to Scotland specifically because of that reason. How do you have blood in your hands and be awarded for it? The guy wasn’t even a teen yet! It’s crazy and all he could remember was squinting his eyes and saying “what the fuck.” because what the fuck.

Demo only laughed it off but Scout was simply too concerned to laugh along, which led to an awkward atmosphere. The crackling of the fireplace was the only noise for few moments until Demo started saying “Ye know… I hated them for that tradition.”

It started out as that then it devolved into “I wish I had a father who was there for me.”

When that sentence was said, they stared at each other through the flames with understanding. Later, Jeremy find himself wrapping his arms around Demo and they shared a hug accompanied with few drunken tears from Tavish.

****

Jeremy likes to believes he have grown up well.

Yes, his string of lovers were an issue that even his brothers were concerned about it but he doesn’t care about it. They were deadbeats and as long as he took care of his children, make them happy, see their cheeky smiles early in the morning then everything is good. People tend to be concern about lack of mother in the picture but if he can turned out well without a father, his children can so too.

He didn’t think having kids would changed him so much but it apparently does. From his hair style to the way he thinks and say. It was as if a dormant version of himself was being awaken once he find himself feeding the twins at 2am while their mother is fast asleep.

He’ll be lying if he says his children were easy to take care of.

Though, anybody could tell that he was one determined parent by simply looking at his eyes, but he loves them, he just loves his children so much and it hurt him to even think to not take care of them. Even leaving them at grandma’s so he can go grocery shopping hurts him and because they are his responsibilities. Beside, how could anyone look at their own kids and think of abandoning them?

Jeremy thought of that often when he finds himself laying on the couch surrounded by his children with Tom Jones playing in the background.

May the man he always looked up to rest in peace, thank you for giving him all the charisma and being there for him but most importantly, for making him rich.

****

His children was soundly sleeping on his king sized bed due to guests using up their rooms. It was a last second decision as Soldier confess that he had not book a hotel nearby due to the holiday season taking up all the available options but neither Scout and his children minded giving their rooms to the Doe family for two nights. His children were even happy at the prospect of having a sleepover in their dad’s room though he argued with them that it’s “Technically not a sleepover since they are still in their house” but like always, he gave up fighting with them once they became too argumentative for their own good. Next time, he’ll make sure to come up with something faster than their little heads.

He sighed when he looked at the four of them dreaming on his bed. Of course they have taken up the entire bed, leaving no space for their own dad to sleep. Mind you, it’s his bed. Jeremy pull the blanket up to their little shoulders and walk over to his closet for the extra blanket and pillow for himself. He dropped the items carefully on the Persian carpet before walking into his personal bathroom.

Jeremy looked at the mirror, taking in the sight of tired eyes and aged face. No matter how much he tried to imagine, he can’t see the old Scout in him anymore and he doesn’t know whether to be sad or happy that the younger, cocky, wild version of him is nothing but an old memory. He decided to ignore questioning himself and started to brush his teeth and comb his hair but the more he stared at the mirror, the more he reflected on himself and Spy, the fucking guy that is somehow his dad, the one that ditched his family and him, who had the audacity to explained why he did that and pretended to be Tom Jones when he’s dying and-

The comb dropped from his hand and Jeremy look at the mirror again.

Suddenly he was fifteen and crying out in front of the mirror, longing and wishing.

When he was fifteen, he would imagine an older man comforting him in the bathroom. Sometimes these men would be from the comics he read, sometimes it’s Tom Jones himself hyping him up but on the very rare times where the first two doesn’t work, he imagined an older version of himself comforting him.

It’s strange he thinks; to imagine an older version of yourself giving you advices and telling you to man up and face the world so he never tell anyone about this little trick of his but hey, it works. It also made him ponder if Dell could ever figure out time traveling so he can volunteer and go back to his younger self (which may break the timeline but who cares) and actually comfort the fifteen years old bruised up boy but he knows that would never happen as it would’ve been in his memory by now.

It’s always whys with Jeremy and Scout, the reason why he struggled with math too because in math, you don’t need to ask why but he doesn’t like not knowing why the triangles are not accurate or the fact why is there two answers to a question. He liked English because there was always an answer to the why. Why did the character do that? And his teacher and classmates would give different answers but still an answer. So it came to no one surprise when Jeremy kept asking himself why things happened the way it did. Why did Spy never made an attempt to talk to him. Why did Spy never confessed. Why did Spy hide behind Tom Jones. Why did he do that. Why did Spy never cared or show anything to him. Why. Why. Why and why is he crying fresh tears again. Just why.

A knock on the door caused him to think of a reason to explain to his ma why he has been spending so much time in the bathroom just to remember that ma no longer lives with him, has been like that for years.

He wiped his tears, put his items back to its place and tried to present himself properly again. Jeremy open the door to see his son, Tony waiting with a crossed arms.

“I’m sorry for making ya wait, buddy.” He ruffled his son’s hair and walked out of the bathroom. Tony grumbled but his complain wouldn’t be voice because he noticed something is off about his dad.

“Are you okay, dad?”

“Yeah, I’m fine Tony.” His son gave him a curious stare but didn’t say anything as he closes the bathroom door. Somehow that interaction made Jeremy held his breath. God, he hated lying to his any of kids (unless when it comes to medicine) but he doesn’t need them to see him being all sad and moody again.

He would sit by the bed with the blanket and pillow that he brought from the closet. He thought of the interactions today with Tony and Spy, how they would laugh the entire time and he would carry him in his arms around the house, acting like it’s his kid but he doesn’t stop at Tony, no, of course not. Spy would then go on to Tommy and complimented the boy on his Junior’s Baseball medals and how he would love to attend his game one day then he went after Taylor, and said that she would make a great artist because Taylor had doodled him on a piece of paper. To his final kid, Tanya, who was the one that made Spy took off his mask for, the one where Jeremy can sensed he’s trying to give his legacy for and it infuriated Jeremy because how dare he tried to do that when Tanya would most likely be a scout, never a spy like her piece of shit grandfather. Hell, he doesn’t even deserve that title!

Though, the final nail in the coffin was him hugging them all after opening his gift, which was a Casio watch but even that doesn’t hurt as much as the love he held in his eyes towards them the entire time. Scout gulped down. Was he never enough for Spy? Was his lack of ability to read embarrassed Spy? Can Spy not see Jeremy is different? Why doesn’t Spy ever compliment his home-runs, his drawings, or ever take off his mask? Did Scout and Jeremy meant nothing to his own father?

As he was sniffing and trying to adjust his place of sleep on the floor, he was met with the sight of Tony coming out of the toilet.

“Did you not flush or wash your hands?” Tony sheepishly smile before going back inside the toilet to do what his dad just said. He came out of the washroom again but instead of climbing up to the bed, he sat beside his dad.

They sat in silence then Jeremy lay down on the carpeted floor and Tony also made himself comfortable beside him.

“Why are you sad?” Tony mumbled, barely could be heard over Jeremy’s constant sniffling and hiccups.

“You should go back to sleep on the bed.” He said, pretending to not hear his own son’s question.

“Why are you sad, dad?” Tony made himself louder.

Scout put his hands behind his head and thought whether it’s a good idea to tell Tony and even if he tells him, what exactly could he even say? Oh, the masked guy that has been coming over for the past few years is actually your grandfather and not just dad’s friend from work. Yeah, right, that make a lot of sense. He sigh and pull an arm out to let Tony lay his head on rather than letting the boy lay his head straight on the carpet.

“Well Tony, dad is not exactly sure why he’s sad.” That was half-truth as Scout doesn’t know why he’s still crying because he’s certain he has been crying over the same thing since he was a kid. The first instance being the topic of father’s day was brought up and everyone had a cool story of their dads taking them out for fishing, baseball, fixing cars and buying stuffs.

“I… sometimes I feel bad that none of you guys have a mom.” Jeremy confessed and yeah, it was not the reason why he’s sad but he’s trying to put himself in his kids’ shoes, reflecting on how he felt when he had no dad.

“Well, I don’t know about the others but I never really mind it.” Tony looked up to think for a second “Some people ask where and who is my mom but I’ll tell them that my dad is my ma.” He giggled and so did Scout.

It was reassuring to know that for sure but he wondered what his other kids thinks. Maybe he’ll ask them later once the guests are gone.

“Is that why you are sad?” Not really, but it’s better if Tony doesn’t know. Jeremy nodded either way.

“We should sleep Tony, but I got one more question for you.”

“What is it?”

“What would make someone a good father?”

And Tony would shift to his side to smile at his father before saying,

“Someone like you, dad.”