Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The angels were falling around the world. That was the day Castiel became the shadow. The angel didn’t remember much, but then again, who would? All he remembered was the heat of falling to the earth, he remembered fighting for a body but always losing. Did God have another place for him? The next thing he knew he was being pulled by a force, unknown to himself, towards a dark spot. He was afraid, very afraid.

“Hello?” he sounded, looking around the darkness and swallowing thickly. Nothing. The wingless angel walked forward, or maybe he floated, he was not too sure. “Is anybody there?” he tried again.

“You ask, what is our policy? I can say: It is to wage war, by sea, land and air, with all our might and with all the strength that God can give us…”  Castiel turned towards the voice, his blue eyes widened as he started to run. “Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard. Their shadows searching in the night…” Another voice. A singing voice. Castiel stopped where he was, turning towards the voice. “Where them bitches at…” “Today at six, an accident…The Syrian government took a first step by giving an accounting of its stockpiles… Don’t you cry no more…” So many voices.

Castiel dropped. His knees silenced the voices as his own bang echoed through the darkness. “Stop!” he screamed, a gasp leaving his lips as he pulled, what he believed were his knees to his chest and held onto them. He couldn’t be sure what his body was like anymore, he might not have one at all. The mind can be tricky. This cannot be real, he thought to himself, his head voice sounding around the darkness. I need Dean...

Castiel must have sat for hours, or days, or maybe minutes, when another voice was heard. This voice wasn’t one from a radio, nor did it sound around him, it came from outside the darkness and suddenly a light appeared around Castiel. The angel was about to open his mouth, to inform Dean he was there, when Dean started to speak. “Cas’, look, man… I know we haven’t been getting along as well as we used to, and that is my fault, but I need you now. The angels… they’re all falling, Cas’, and part of me is scared you might be hurt. I know this is a lot to ask Cas’, but please come back. Castiel, please don’t leave me alone at this time.” The man appeared to be praying to Castiel outside of the new light.

“Dean,” he croaked, standing up once more and moving towards the light. The last time he had walked towards a light, wings had appeared on his back. “It’s me. I’m here.”

“Cas? Oh, man, where are you? I can’t see you.” Castiel could see Dean now, he could see the freckled and perfect face turning and turning to try and spot him.

“Turn around, Dean,” the man did as he was told. “Now look down,” again, the man did exactly what Castiel had asked of him. What trust he had in Castiel, “I’m here. You’re looking at me.”

“Castiel, stop this. The only thing I can see is some crappy hotel radio.” Dean walked up and tapped the box to prove a point. “It’s not funny, Cas’.”

“I’m not joking, Dean. Please.” Castiel flinched slightly at the taps, the box shaking and causing Castiel to fall again. “I appear to be stuck here… I think… Dean, I think when the angels and I fell I got trapped here. I couldn’t find a body.”

“What happened to Jimmy’s?” Dean exclaimed. Castiel didn’t need to see his face to be able to tell the anger and confusion on it.

“Somebody beat me to him.” Well, Castiel guessed that w what had happened. Who knows what happened to the vessel? Maybe Jimmy was back with his family now, Castiel highly doubted that, but the thought was nice.

Dean’s boots were clunking now, the heavy footsteps echoing through the small motel room. “We need to find somebody to help us.” Castiel watched as Dean bent down to go up to the radio, his green eyes sparkling and making Castiel swallow thickly. “Don’t worry, we’ll take you. I’ll fix this, Cas’. I promise I will… I promise.”

“Dean, wait don-“ Castiel was too late, the man had unplugged the radio and Castiel was plunged back into the darkness he feared so much. God, this darkness would never make Castiel feel safe. He didn’t like it. There was nothing but voices; some sang songs, others spoke speeches, a few gave the many dates, and one single voice called a prayer.

“In a motel,” Sam replied. Well, like he didn’t know that. “Anyway, Cas’, what is going on?”

“I’m sure Dean has explained that to you. Need I repeat it?” Castiel couldn’t help the bitter tone, not whilst he was stuck in his darkened tower. If only he had long hair and Dean’s green eyes, then maybe he could become a Princess and be saved. God, he was going crazy.

“Woah. Um, yeah… sorry, was just making sure, you know?” Sam held up his hands in mock surrender.

“How many days have we been travelling for?” Castiel asked suddenly, blinking – well, he assumed he was, it felt like it – and stepping forward more.

“Like… two days,” Dean replied, shrugging and sitting next to the radio. “Cas’, I’ve still not found a way to get you out.”

“That is alright, Dean.”

“No, no it’s not Cas!” Dean had raised his voice by now, Castiel shivering at the way Dean’s vibrations ran through him as he touched the radio. “I can’t even help you, what use am I?!”

“You are trying, Dean. That is all anyone can ask of you… I am very sorry that you are unable to find the answer yet.”

“Cas’, have you tried… like, zapping out?” Sam asked cautiously, he was probably afraid of Castiel snapping at him. The angel merely frowned and replied with a simple ‘no’.

“Goddammit, Cas! Did your brain fall out of your head too?” Castiel didn’t responded, not even when Dean muttered an apology and an excuse of being tired. He had failed his hunter; it was a simple as that.

The angel closed his eyes, focusing everything he had on pushing himself out of the box he was currently contained in. The blue-eyed man pushed himself forward, he could feel the light dragging him and then- nothing. No Dean, no Sam, just the light. “I… I appear to be too weak right now,” Castiel said in a low voice, hurt radiating through it. “I’m very sorry, Dean.”

“It’s alright, Cas’, I ain’t the one stuck in there…”  The sound of Dean’s leather jacket went off as he picked it up and shoved it on his shoulders. “Sammy, you stay here and look after Cas’, you hear me? I’m gonna go speak to our favorite demon in our trunk.” Castiel listened as Dean left, the roar of the Impala indicating that he needed somewhere more private to do his deeds. Castiel sometimes felt sorry for the ‘King of hell’, he was turning more human after all.

“Castiel,” Sam’s voice suddenly sounded, echoing through the light as he moved closer. “Cas’… what’s it like in there?”

“Dark,” was Castiel’s first response. “Dark and… when you turn it off, it’s… well, it goes dark and then I hear different radios.” Sam nodded shortly, biting his bottom lip. “What is bothering you, Sam?” Castiel asked quietly, he almost afraid to speak too loudly.

“Well… did you really get stuck? I mean, surly the energy from the radio has helped you heal enough.” Castiel tried to reply, but his mouth was kept firmly shut. “Cas’, just be truthful here… are you gonna be able to get out of there?”

“I highly doubt it,” Castiel replied, his voice hitching slightly as he felt a warm trickle run down his cheek. “But you can’t tell Dean, please d-“

“Man, he’s gotta know…. This, dude this will destroy him!”

“Exactly! That’s why he can’t know, Sam. Just… make him focus on something else.”

Sam snorted at that, rolling his eyes. “Do you really think Dean will give up? Man, I think he loves you… I know it sounds stupid an’ all, but he isn’t like this with anyone but you.”

“I know,” Castiel replied quietly. “Could you not turn the radio off tonight?” Sam nodded, smiling weakly at him before wandering off to make himself some lunch.

Castiel was never going to be free.

 Another leave fell as Castiel turned to face the love of his life, a new silver band on each of their fingers representing something God had intended all along. “My fiancé,” he whispers as birds sang above them, the light grew brighter than them both.

“Cas’,” the deep and rough voice of his lover sounded through the air quietly , as if he were afraid to break the silence around them. “What do you like about me?”

Castiel would never have one answer to that question, he would never be able describe this man with justice to what he could see. So he started off simply, his fingers running over the other mans stubble. “I love that when I kiss you I have to hold back giggles, because the stubble on your chin tickles me. When you nip at my neck, it just grazes enough to make me shiver and want you more.”

The angels hands moved up the mans jaw line and to his lips. “Your lips are so soft, how I had always imagined them… I love after we kiss that they are all swollen and red and sometimes I draw blood, but that just turns you on more.”

A soft finger grazed over Dean’s nose and to his eyelids. “Your eyes shine like the emerald of a cursed stone, and I know I have fallen under the curse.” Castiel smiled as Dean snorted. “Your freckles are cute, and although I try to count them, each time I get close more seem to appear.”

An arm ran over Castiel’s arm as he moved his hands lower. “I love the whole of your body, I love how I can make these little noises out of you and I know how to drive you wild until you beg.”

Castiel pulled back to kiss Dean softly. “I always love that you are the kindest man I know. You look after Sammy as if he were your own son… and you are… you are everything God intended in a human being, Dean. You may rebel at times and have the wrong views, but you protect the people of this world and you wipe clean your sins… you are the perfect man.”

Castiel smiled as the autumn sun settled over them, the all too familiar lake from Dean’s mind glimmering in front of them before both were fast asleep…

 Another week went by and Castiel was forced to sit in the light and listen as Dean and Sam argued with one another, again. He never mentioned the dreams. Each brother had different things to say. Although, Castiel did now know he was in a Ferguson 382U (which was introduced in 1956). It seems God had left a plastic window, which only Castiel could see to look at the outside world. “We should call Death, see what he says!” That could only be Dean’s suggestion – he had gone rather crazy.

“Are you mad? That guy wants us dead as it is, Dean. We can’t risk anything by inviting him for a nice cup of tea to rescue an angel.” Sam huffed slightly and brought his arms to lie across his chest. “We could summon a crossroad demon…”

“Now you’re the mad one.” Dean sighed and got up, walking towards Castiel as the angel tilted his head. “Look, Cas’, we’re out of options here… have you tried getting a hold of the big man?”


“Big man? Dean, I’m sure I understand your reference.”

“Cut the crap, Cas’. This isn’t a time to be your clueless self! I mean God, you know, Mr I’m-too-good-to-help-you-stupid-muggle-human-dudes.” Dean stared at the radio for a while as Castiel remained quiet, before he just couldn’t help himself and had to ask;

“Dean, what is a muggle?” Castiel got no reply for a while, he was afraid he might have pushed Dean to far, but then a soft laughter filled his ears.

“Never change, Cas’…” Castiel looked out to see Sam frowning and Dean’s head thrown back as he continued to laugh. “Right, I’m off to get a pie. Sammy you want anything whilst I go and Cassy there prays to ask what a muggle is?” Sam shook his head and frowned more. “Right, see ya boys.”

“That was… weird,” Sam grumbled, moving over next to the radio. “I think he has officially lost it.”

“Sam, what is a muggle?” Castiel was intrigued now; he was trying to avoid praying in case he got no reply. He couldn’t take that right now.

“Oh, dude, it’s a children’s book, it’s… it doesn’t matter right now. Why haven’t you tried ask God for help yet?”

“Because he has not been around.” Sam seemed to accept that as he coughed, looking around. “Cas’… the other day, I meant to ask something else…”

“What is it, Sam?”

“Are you scared?” Castiel swallowed thickly at that. Was he scared? Was there a difference between being afraid and scared? Castiel was not sure, so all he replied was ‘I’m afraid’.

“You better pray to God now, Castiel…” Sam shifted awkwardly as Castiel shook his head.

“I’m afraid I do not want to know if he will answer my prayers or not.” Sam nodded and tapped the radio. “Please tell Dean I prayed, Sam.”

“Okay.”

Three weeks after Castiels fall into the radio, the power in the motel went out. Castiel hadn’t meant to let out a small squeak, but it had left his lips before he had a moment to think. How he hated this darkness. “God save us prayers fall on deaf ears so put your faith in force you gotta fight em…” Prayers. The unfamiliar song led Castiel to kneel on the empty floor and bring his hands in front of him.

“Hello, Father. My Father, somewhere in heaven.  Look… I don’t pray much, not many angels do, as we do not need to, but now I must. I know the Winchesters have caused a lot of trouble, and I know that I have too... but they need me, Dean needs me. All I need is a vessel. Maybe you could find Jimmy for me? Please, please Father. Don’t leave them to suffer. Don’t leave the world you built to make me suffer!” Castiel hadn’t meant for his voice to rise by the end, but he was so built up, his tension filled fists were curled up as he stood up. “What’s the point!” he yelled into the darkness.

“If I were the devil, I would gain control of the most powerful…” Devil. Lucifer. “I see why he fell, Father. What faith do you have left in us? You have turned with a blind eye you could easily fix. See, that’s the thing about you, Father, if it’s not your way, then it must be hells way.” Castiel scoffed and closed his eyes, listening to the voices echoing again.

“Guns don’t kill people… Some things aren’t meant to be questioned… Welcome to Night Vale… X Factor’s results were rather… strange to see today’s modern world explore the idea of electricity for every home..” Soon all the voices seemed to mash together and Castiel could only make out a few words. “Angels… fall… when… good men… go… to war… and… not… everybody… makes it… out… alive.” Good men like Dean and Sam. An angel like Castiel himself. Did that leave him as the one who would not make it out alive? Oh, God, the heavenly Father, he sure hoped not.

Not long after the power came back on - after Dean and Sam had forced the hotel manager to get someone else in or they would call a health inspector in. It had taken the manager twenty minutes to get one after that.

Sam and Dean had been in the middle of an argument when Castiel had lost it. He hadn’t meant to shout at the men, honestly. “Enough!” he had yelled, hearing the men silence themselves quickly. “You are both wasting your time! We all know this isn’t going to end well, either way. So… why can’t you just leave me alone.” The moment the words were hanging in the air, Castiel wanted to shove them into his mouth again. “Oh, I’m so s-“

“Cas’, you’re family. You ain’t gonna leave us now, ya got it? I’d rather slit some innocent persons throat than lose you.” Sam and Castiel’s mouths had opened in slight surprise. “Profound bound, yeah? That means you’re stayin’ and I ain’t givin’ up.” Castiel nodded and didn't think about the fact Dean could not actually see him. It didn’t matter now.

“Dean, I truly am sorry… I promise to keep fighting.” Castiel sat down as the Winchester brothers got back to work. The angel watched as Dean’s tongue flicked out in concentration, the way his pencil rolled around his mouth as he chewed the end, he watched the sun shine in his face and how it made his freckles stand out. Castiel touched the plastic ‘window’ of the radio, ignoring the voices floating around as he watched Dean’s leg beat an unknown rhythm in fear, his free fingers flexing with anxiety. This is what Castiel would miss… his hunter. His wonderful and amazing hunter; the man who he had gripped and raised from the depths of hell itself. If only Castiel could touch the man one more time, but he knew that would never happen. It was too late no-

A bang. A sudden loud bang shot through the room and angels had found their way into the room. “Where is he? Are you hiding him here?” a blonde girl, with a top far too tight, asked. “Did you hide him?” a dark colored boy asked, his voice deeper than Castiel’s. “Tell us!”

“Now, I have no idea what you’re talking about!” Dean growled, launching forward to swing his closed fist into an angels face, avoiding its back lashed hand. “You’re wasting your time, sweetheart.” Castiel sighed at the nickname, even whilst fighting Dean was a flirt.

“We can feel him.” A tall man stepped forward, a suit fitting to his body and making him look ten times more menacing than he should. “Castiel made our kind fall, and now he must pay.” The man looked around, feeling himself being drawn towards a radio. “How very strange.”

“Don’t you touch that,” Dean growled as Castiel stepped back. “That was my dad’s,” he lied.

“You never were a good liar,” the tall-unknown angel said softly, a British accent seeping through. “Oh, and Crowley sends his best wishes, boys.” Great, now Crowley was out. The man turned round, smirking slightly. “Angels and demons should have gotten together a long time ago"

Dean and Sam stepped forward, knifes raised uselessly. “Drop it,” Dean snapped as the angel picked it up. Even Castiel, hidden away in the dark radio, could feel Dean's pain and desperation.

“Don’t mind if I do.” The angel pulled his hands away from the box and they all watched as it fell to the ground, Castiel desperately yelling for help as the angel stepped on it and his voice was silenced.

Castiel watched as the blackness dripped around him, the angel sat down and curled up. This was it he knew it. There was no way he was getting out this one. Only one voice remained in that darkness, a singer whose band backed him up like Dean once did with him. "Carry on, you will always remember, carry on, nothing equals the splendor, now your life’s no longer empty, but surely heaven waits for you…” Castiel lay his head down as the music washed over him and his eyes finally fell shut, never be opened again. “Carry on my wayward son, there’ll be peace when you are done, lay your weary head to rest, don’t you cry no more…"

Chapter Text

After darkness surrounded him, Castiel soon found himself waking up in one place he never thought he would see again; Heaven. As ever, he had his own garden. His own slice of paradise. The angel looked around his surroundings, his light body floating as he moved forward, letting his true self be seen. How did he end up here? Where was Dean? Where was Sam? Castiel looked around the junk yard, smiling as he spotted the Impala laying in the garage. Bobby Singer's house, well, where else would be home to him now?

"Castiel," a voice echoed through his head. It wasn't the voice of a man or woman, but that of a an unknown source. Castiel had heard that voice many times before.

'Father?' he though back, clouding up slightly as he heard the soft voice of his Father. 'Where are you? Why am I here? I'm confused.'

"You are here, my Son, because I chose for you to be." Castiel looked up towards his own starry night, a small smile lighting up in his head as he thought of the time he and Dean had sat out on the hood of the Impala and Dean had tried to explain what constellations were to him- Dean. "Ah, so, your mind is still on the human?"

'They need me.'

"So do we, Castiel. Do you not want to help your brothers and sisters?"

'Of course... of course I want to.' Castiel turned his head downwards, his body appearing on the ground as he stood to hold his head up towards the Heavens. "Can I ask one thing of you?"

"Of course my Son."

Castiel stepped towards a small light, his hand reaching out to touch it softly before he closed his eyes and whispered, "Please let me say goodbye to Dean. I'll do anything. Just let me say goodbye." Castiel looked up the light and let his eyes stay wide in a begging manner. "Please."

Suddenly the air wrapped around him, grasping onto his body as he hissed in pain, his limbs begging for their release as his lungs tried to expand and gather air. The paradise around him disappeared slowly until their was nothing but darkness left again, nothing but his own mind.

 Dean and Sam had traveled long and far since they lost Castiel. Dean said they were just getting on with everythining they needed to do. Sam, however, knew the truth. Dean was looking for Castiel; his lost Angel. It had been a long time since they had been able to get further than solve cases. Nobody had heard of Castiel, no one knew where he was. It was if Castiel never existed.

"Dean, please, we need to stop for a few days," Sam tried to reason with his brother. It seemed all he did was reason with his brother these days.

"Shut it, Sammy. We have a case a few towns over." He also seemed to be harsher.

"Then lets rest for the night, Dean. There's a Motel up the road, and I'm tired." Sam looked at Dean with wide eyes, knowing his brother had yet to turn down his puppy dog eyes.

"Fine," Dean muttered, turning into the Motel as they reached it and turning his baby off. "We'll be leaving early. You better hurry if you want your beauty sleep, Princess." Sam refused to admit the look he gave his brother was a bitch-face, but at least it made the elder Winchester smile.

"Jerk."

"Bitch."

Sam smiled and headed into the reception, paying for their room - "two singles please" - before he headed up the stairs with Dean right behind him.

Sam watched as his brother went straight to bed, the past few weeks finally catching up with him as he let sleep over take him. The younger Winchester walked around the room for a while before pulling out a book from his back bag and sitting on the bed.

An hour or so later, Sam heard a whimper come from Dean and turned to look at him, frowning as he saw a small smile on his brothers face...

"Cas?" Castiel stood before his hunter, his trench coat back on and Jimmy's body still containing him. "Cas, where the hell have you been?" Oh. Dean was mad now.

"I... Dean... I am up in Heaven, but I came to see you." Castiel looked around the motel room Dean had watched him watch cartoons in when they had no case. "I liked this place."

Dean let out a small grunt and looked to the ground before he let his struggle go and moved over to pull Castiel into his arms and hold him close to his chest.

"Dean?" Castiel questioned, his own arms coming around his hunter's neck as he let Dean just hold him. "I'm here, Dean," he whispered into his ear.

"God, Cas. I- fuck, I thought we lost you for good this time."

Castiel sighed and held Dean tighter. "I'm not going anywhere again, Dean." The angel didn't quite believe that himself, but he knew Dean would.

Castiel walked back, his arms still around Dean as he sat them both on the bed and let Dean pull away before they were looking into each others eyes. No word was exchanged as Dean brought a hand to Castiel's cheek and cupped it before bringing his face forward and pressing their lips together softly .

Oh. Castiel had been kissed before, but this- this was something else. Dean's lips felt warm against his as the hunter slowly moved them, Castiel copying the other. His mouth opened by itself as the green eyed man ran his tongue over the others lips. Well, this was even better. Castiel let Dean's tongue explore his mouth as he savored the taste of beer and pies that Dean seemed to have.

A small moan left Castiel's lips and Dean cursed quietly against his mouth before he was pulling at Castiel's trenchcoat. "Dean," the angel breathed as he helped the other pull his coat off before it was chucked onto the floor.

"Cas... I missed you." Dean looked far too vulnerable in that moment, far too unlike himself.

"I missed you too, Dean." Castiel smiled as he pecked the man's lips, running a hand through his hair before kissing him again. Dean pulled Castiel closer to him, the Hunter's hands running over his Angels shirt. "No," Castiel whispered into the kiss as Dean went to take his shirt off. If they did this now, Castiel would only want more. He felt very selfish for coming here and he couldn't lie to Dean and still sleep with him, it seemed rather unfair.

"Don't you want this?" Dean asked him, his bright green eyes bearing into the very center of Castiel's grace.

"Of course I want it, Dean."

"Then why can't we... you know?"

"It's not the right time."

Dean seemed to think for a moment before a small smile graced his lips. "Soon?" Castiel nodded slowly, his chest aching and making Castiel take Dean's hands as he promised the other a soon he never would get. "Well, I guess I don't mind waiting."

Ten minutes later, both of them were wrapped up in one another on the bed, Castiel's leg between Dean's and the Hunter's hand running through the hairs on the back of his neck. As Castiel closed his eyes, he imagined the wedding Dean and him would never have, he imagined the happy guests- a majority of whom were dead. Castiel imagined a soft rock song playing in the background as Dean and him took their first dance after saying 'I do'. A kid would have been in their future too, if Castiel got his way. They would've protected the child, would've loved it with all of their hearts, and that child would've been the happiest.

When Castiel opened his eyes, he knew none of that would happen. The Angel lay with his Hunter, sharing small kisses, not a sound to be made by either of them until morning was to break. "Goodnight, my love," Castiel whispered as Dean fell asleep. "And goodbye."

When Dean woke up the next morning, the only thing that lay beside him was a trenchcoat. The Hunter did the best he could to not cry, but the stain on the trenchcoat once he left the room was prove that he failed.

'Sleep tight, my Angel,' Dean whispered in a prayer, knowing deep in his heart that this was truly the end. 'Goodbye.'