Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Tsukiyama grumbled when he finally unlocked the door. It was late at night, nearly ten, and he had promised to be home by nine. He had given Hide the key in case he ever needed it, so he wouldn’t have been left standing outside, but it was rude to be late. He’d been so excited to spend the evening with Hide, celebrating their three month anniversary, but he feared he had already messed up everything. He kicked off his shoes, and called out:

“Hide-kun?”

His voice echoed in the empty flat. Tsukiyama frowned, hung his coat on the rack and walked further in. The lights were off, and he was alone in the dark.

“Hide-kun?” he repeated, louder than before. He switched on the lights in the kitchen and the living room. No one except him was there. He checked his phone and saw no new messages. He checked the kitchen table’s notepad and saw the old scribbles Hide had made the week before.

For a moment, Tsukiyama stood still in the middle of his home, lost and disappointed. He contemplated calling Hide, but the growl of his stomach broke through his thoughts, leaving them scattered and forgotten.

“Dinner, dinner...” he mumbled, trailing back to the kitchen. He had vowed to try watch what he put in his mouth, but his body craved the fatty liver he had stashed in his fridge. He would’ve prepared it in a more refined way if it wasn’t for the hunger pangs twisting his stomach. Since moving to live on his own, he had began to have spells where he lost his usual finesse and let himself do whatever came to mind. But that only happened when he was alone.

The wrapping paper around the liver was opened and remodelled to hold it much like the hamburgers humans ate. Tsukiyama sunk his teeth into it, standing in the light of the freezer. Sensations of pleasure and guilt coiled themselves in his stomach as they were joined by the well-chewed liver pieces. His meal was gone in a mere minute, and he licked his lips with satisfaction.

After cleaning up after himself, he glanced at the clock, just in time to witness the long hand twitch to point at twelve. The bongs of the old grandfather clock in his living room echoed throughout the apartment. When the last bong sounded, the bell of his front door rang.

Tsukiyama hurried to open the door, but not before checking his face and teeth for any extra organic matter, and found a shivering Hide, still in his work clothes, standing on his doorstep.

"It’s your personal mail boy," Hide greeted, laughing with a guilty tone in his voice, as stepped in. "I've got a late arriving package for one Mister Tsukiyama Shuu."

Tsukiyama had two options. He could groan loudly and berate Hide for being late, or... He couldn’t resist, forgetting his earlier disappointment, and leaned closer.

"Oh?" He took a step closer to Hide, rubbing his hands over Hide’s arms to warm him up, while trying to keep up the role. "Is it a big one?”

Hide bit his lip to keep himself from laughing. His cheeks became pinker; Tsukiyama could see the small change when he stood so close.

"It's pretty average sized. Now if you could sign here..." Hide cocked his head upwards. Tsukiyama pecked him on the lips. He could feel Hide’s mouth forming into a smile. "Thank you. Enjoy your package."

Tsukiyama's shoulders trembled with quiet laughter. "I will." He pulled Hide closer, trying to give him some of his body heat while peppering his cheeks with small kisses, across his cheeks and nose. “Welcome back home.”

Hide’s face crunched up when the kisses concentrated on his nose and he muttered teasingly:

“You know, this place isn’t actually my home.”

Tsukiyama pulled back, miffed and ready argue, but Hide, quite roughly, took a hold of his face and pulled him back down for a kiss.

“You’re my home.”

Tsukiyama made an unsatisfied sound in the back of his throat but gave in without a struggle.

“Sorry I’m so late, Shuu,” Hide said as he pulled away. He rested his forehead against Tsukiyama’s. “Happy quarter-anniversary.”

Their celebration was nothing special. Hide heated up some of last night’s curry, and with Tsukiyama’s permission, sat down on the sofa, curled up comfortably to watch one of their regular TV series. Tsukiyama slumped down next to him and leaned his head on Hide’s shoulder, eyes set tightly on the screen.

“If she dies, I’m going to be pissed,” Hide muttered, spooning curry into his mouth with a frown.

Tsukiyama chuckled. “As pissed when–“

“No! We don’t talk about that!” Hide promptly set his bowl in his lap and placed his hand over Tsukiyama’s grinning mouth. “He’s on a vacation, far away in some warm place, like Mallorca, sipping drinks from a coconut under palm trees. Healthy, happy and alive. ”

“Whatever you say, darling,” Tsukiyama mumbled from under Hide’s hand, placing his own hand on top and pressing a kiss on the palm. Hide sent him a suspicious glare but removed his hand. Tsukiyama kept his mouth shut, but his eyelashes fluttered innocently. Hide made a frustrated noise and leaned in to kiss him.

“You better take me to Mallorca sometime too.”

Tsukiyama licked his lips, pulling Hide closer again. He couldn’t get enough of the feel of his chapped lips and the small puffs of air that blew against his face when he kissed Hide for a few seconds too long.

“I will. That’s a promise.”

Hide put down his bowl on the coffee table and twisted his body to better cuddle up to Tsukiyama, who was already leaning back. But despite the mood which was slowly heating up, Hide couldn’t finish repositioning himself before flopping down on Tsukiyama’s chest with a heavy sigh.

“I want to... but I’m so tired,” he pitifully moaned into Tsukiyama’s neck. Tsukiyama chuckled with sympathy.

“It’s fine. You should go sleep. We can finish the episode tomorrow.”

The answer he got was a yawn, and Hide knew the battle had been lost. He rolled off of Tsukiyama, onto the floor, and scrambled to stand up again. Tsukiyama sat up and took Hide’s empty bowl.

“I’ll wash it for you.”

Hide nodded and rubbed his eye with a sleepy pout on his lips, which Tsukiyama couldn’t resist not to kiss. Hide went off to brush his teeth with a soft smile, and Tsukiyama went to the kitchen. He washed the bowl, set it to dry and dried his hands. He got himself a glass of cold water, contemplating whether it was time for him to go to bed with Hide or if he had the energy to watch one episode of his own favourite show, when his phone buzzed in his pocket. He took it out and saw a number which he didn’t recognise on the screen.

It was late, and he couldn’t think of a single person who would call him at such an hour. Regardless, he answered.

“Hello?”

The line crackled and odd noises came out before a pleasant but rough voice greeted him:

“Tsukiyama-kun? I’m sorry to call so late.”

Tsukiyama was immediately taken aback.

“Yoshimura...-san?” he returned with obvious confusion. He didn’t know where the old man had gotten his number or how, much less why he would call him in the middle of the night.

“Before I tell you why I’m calling I must ask: are you alone?”

Tsukiyama listened to the tap turning off in the bathroom and footsteps heading to the bedroom. The mattress made a quiet ‘fwump’ sound as Hide’s body fell on top. Tsukiyama turned away from the open doorway and lowered his voice.

“Yes,” he said. He considered himself to be alone enough.

“Tsukiyama-kun, we here at Anteiku do not wish push our problems on our customers, but unfortunately this is something I have to ask you personally. We need your help.”

“What for?” he asked, leaning on the counter with his free arm wrapped around his midsection. Yoshimura’s tone of voice was strained, and he knew this was a man who could take a lot before showing any signs of worry.

“Unfortunately it seems that one of our staff has gotten himself in trouble.”

“What kind... of trouble?”

“He was... kidnapped.”

“Oh.” He really didn’t know what else to say.

“If you could stop by the shop tomorrow, I can explain everything in detail to everyone at the same time,” Yoshimura asked. Tsukiyama perked at the ‘everyone’, having not expected to have multiple people coming over. But it made sense if the Anteiku was reaching out to him of all people. The situation was clearly bigger and way worse than he had initially imagined. He wanted to decline; it sounded dangerous. He owed nothing to the people of Anteiku. But something in his heart would shatter if he declined old man’s plea for help.

He agreed to be there by noon.

The call ended, and Tsukiyama went to brush his teeth, no longer feeling like watching TV. Staring at his reflection, he wondered what had made him go from the cruel Gourmet to a soft-hearted saint of people he barely knew. Hide rolled in the bed, and Tsukiyama spit the toothpaste into the sink, sending a fond look at the covered lump waiting for him.

“I swear, you’re going to be the death of me one day,” he muttered to himself, padding to his side of the bed. He sat down, taking his time to stare at Hide’s peaceful face smushed against his pillow.

“Who called you?” Hide asked, not bothering to open his eyes and barely moving his mouth.

“Just a friend... Asking for some help.”

“Mm...” Tsukiyama knew if Hide had been more awake it would translate to a teasing ‘you have friends?’ or something along the lines.

He pulled back the covers and laid down next to Hide, pressing one more kiss on his forehead before rolling onto his preferred side. Hide immediately latched himself around his body, snuggling close to his back. His arm wrapped around Tsukiyama’s stomach, and even if it didn’t make the worry in the pit of it disappear, Tsukiyama appreciated it beyond measure.

The CLOSED sign at noon was something unusual and ominous looking, but nonetheless what he had expected given all that had taken place on the previous night. When he tried the door, it was open, but the cafe’s lights were out and it was empty. It felt weird to go through the staff door, but it seemed like the right direction for him to go. He could hear voices from upstairs. The steps creaked beneath him and the voices ceased expectantly. He knocked on the closed door.

Yoshimura’s right hand man, that was what Tsukiyama thought of him as, opened the door. He stared at him, passive, before moving his large body out of the doorway to reveal who else was inside. All eyes were on him. It didn’t take long for Touka to break the silence:

“Tsukiyama? Why the fuck is he here!?”

Tsukiyama smiled at her which only fuelled her anger more. He gave a small wave to the others sitting in the room. Nishio’s face crinkled with a grimace. A young girl bowed her head to him in greeting, but she looked wary, and her eyes stared worriedly at Touka, who was glaring at Yoshimura.

“I called him here. We need his strength to increase the chance of success,” Yoshimura explained calmly, not giving her a chance to badmouth Tsukiyama further. He looked at Tsukiyama and offered him a friendly nod and a smile. “Thank you for coming, Tsukiyama-kun.”

Tsukiyama waved it off with a smile.

“No, it’s fine. I am curious as to what has happened, though.”

Touka turned to glare at the floor, and an itchy silence fell upon the room. Yoshimura’s smile fell from his face and he looked much older than usual.

“As you know, one of our staff members, Kaneki-kun, was kidnapped.”

“The one with the eye patch?” Tsukiyama clarified, with the horrible realisation that if it was the same Kaneki that was Hide’s friend...

“Yes,” Yoshimura confirmed. “The culprit – I am not sure if you’ve heard of them; they call themselves the Aogiri Tree – took him away. A group of organised ghouls working in several wards, with big names amongst their ranks.”

The gears were frantically turning in his head, and his stomach twisted painfully. He nodded absentmindedly at Yoshimura’s words, thinking back on some of the rumours he had heard from his family, friends and acquaintances about the group. He didn’t know much, but what he had heard was enough to ring all the alarm bells in his mind.

Did Hide know? He cared so much about his friend; he knew Hide wouldn’t leave it alone if he knew. But he had been acting the same as always, so he couldn’t know, Tsukiyama would’ve surely noticed. But if he did find out...

Tsukiyama bit his lip.

“You’re planning to go save him?”

“Yes. That is why I called you, because we need your help.”

The Aogiri were supposed to be ruthless killers and twisted torturers. They didn’t care if one was a ghoul or a human. It was a foolish plan to risk so many people for one ghoul , and Tsukiyama knew Yoshimura wouldn’t look down on him for saying no.

But he hadn’t grown soft-hearted enough nor was he foolish enough to believe that for him this mission was about  helping Yoshimura. Neither was it about helping anyone else in that room. It wasn’t about him. It wasn’t even about helping Kaneki himself.

“Of course. I’ll lend you my strength.”

It was about a single person only, and that was Hide.

The few days later, Hide called Tsukiyama, but Tsukiyama didn’t answer. Nor did he answer his texts. He didn’t like this new fad of people not answering him when he called them or texted them. Kaneki had not been answering for two weeks, and while he now knew why it didn’t make him feel any better.

The CCG was ready to raid the Aogiri base. They’d tear it into the ground and the ghouls within it would be ripped to pieces. Kaneki would better make it out alive, or he would be in for some serious ass-kicking by Hide. Silently he prayed that he was wrong about his gut feeling.

He stopped his bike, leaned on its handlebar and tapped one more message into his phone:

Put a rain check on that episode okay? You don’t have to stay up for me. I think I’ll sleep at my place. It’s gonna be an all-nighter at work.

Surprisingly, it took very little effort from Tsukiyama when it came to breaking out the eye patch guy, Kaneki. He was grateful for the minimal involvement on his part. He was confident in his skills as a fighter and had been prepared to confront the odd ghoul with the alarm clock and exceptional regenerative abilities, but his heart kept thumping loudly against his ribcage. The CCG troops, who were exchanging shots with the Aogiri ghouls, were everywhere, skittering around like invading ants. They could easily crush them, but there was no end to them. He wasn’t worried about them though; he worried about the dozens of doves that were bound to be waiting for an opening to invade the buildings further and crush the ghouls instead.

“Perhaps, it’d be best we leave soon,” he suggested, listening to the nearing pounding of footsteps in the staircase. They still had the chance to escape unnoticed from the roof.

Nishio seemed to agree with him for once. He was the one left with carrying Touka after all. She looked… Awful. Kaneki, who they had expected to look bad, was even worse. His hair was white. His nails black. His clothes bloody and torn. He was barely recognisable. The sight of him was unsettling, even for a stranger who was familiar with violence, like Tsukiyama. He couldn’t imagine what it had to be like to see Kaneki at that moment for the people of Anteiku. Tsukiyama was truly thankful that Hide couldn’t see his best friend. The devastated faces of the people around him were more than enough for him to know the experience wouldn’t haunt Kaneki alone.

Kaneki insisted on walking by himself, despite Yomo wanting to help him. Tsukiyama watched his shaky steps and considered insisting on having Yomo support his body. But the dark look on Kaneki’s face made him beware of stepping over a line that would cause his head to be severed from the rest of his body.

They slipped off into the shadows from CCG’s grasp, moving in small groups to avoid detection. They met again at the edge of the forest. Weak gusts of wind rustled through leaves of Japanese elder trees, and for a moment, Tsukiyama thought he could smell something familiar. He looked around but saw no one in the darkness.

The cliff above the warzone was calm, even with the distant sounds of slaughter. Kaneki stood still, the strands of his hair glimmering eerily in the moonlight. The scent of a forget-me-not, which Tsukiyama remembered as a mellow mix of human and ghoul, was stronger than before, more bitter.

Above gunshots, screams of orders and of pain, Touka’s voice was soft and unsure when she spoke, so unlike her:

“Hey… When we get back, why don’t we change your hair colour? If you work in the shop like that, you’ll stand out a lot…”

Kaneki’s face was surprised, like he hadn’t expected her to say that. In the end it morphed into a smile.

“I won’t be returning to Anteiku. There are things I want to do.”

What? Then what did I come here for? Tsukiyama wanted to ask. We risked our lives... And he doesn’t even plan on returning? What was the point of all this? What was the point of all the pain and suffering his disappearance had caused the people of Anteiku? The pain he had caused to Hide with his sudden disappearance?

Tsukiyama’s blood was boiling, but he kept his mouth shut as the others, namely Touka, argued with Kaneki. He was so tired. He wanted to go home already. He wanted to see Hide. As if knowing his thoughts, the wind brought a waft of the familiar smell again, but he was sure it was just his mind playing tricks on him. It was an effect of longing.

The crushing silence around him felt so far away, and he was barely paying it any attention. It was broken when an unfamiliar man who had the aura of an oaf around him, and his three companions, pledged their allegiance to Kaneki. Touka tried her best to join him as well, but Kaneki kindly rejected her. His reasons felt like excuses, but in the end Touka could do nothing but give up. In her frustration, she fled. Tsukiyama distractedly watched her cape disappear into the darkness, and Nishio soon ran after her, after sending an unthreatening but harsh worded farewell.

“It was worth coming to see the result. Your mask is starting to suit you,” Uta said, preparing to take his leave. “It’s… gentle.”

Tsukiyama wasn’t sure if that was the right word to describe it. Kaneki was, at that moment, the calm before the storm. A fragile glass jar filled with heavy rain clouds and lightning.

Kaneki had turned to look at the faraway moon in thought. Tsukiyama combed his hair back with his fingers. He hoped Yoshimura didn’t expect more from him. Did this mean Anteiku owed him? He could accept that.

He was turning to leave when Kaneki’s voice called out:

“You. You’re the one they call the Gourmet, correct?”

Tsukiyama glanced over his shoulder at Kaneki. Kaneki’s stance was rigid, and his fingers kept twitching. Tsukiyama narrowed his eyes at the violent body language.

“I am,” he confirmed.

“I’ve heard of you. And I’ve seen you around Hide. If you hurt him–” Kaneki’s threat was cut short when Tsukiyama turned on his heel, walking up to him. His eyes pulsed painfully.

“I could say the same to you, Kaneki-kun,” he growled, towering over him. “I’d suggest you stop fooling around when so many people are trying to keep you safe. Do you have any idea how worried you’re making others with your act? You’re telling me to not hurt Hide-kun, but the one hurting him the most isn’t me. It’s you.”

Kaneki’s visible eye had turned an angry red in response to the change in atmosphere.

“What the fuck would you know about–”

“Quite a lot, as I’ve been the one who’s spent the last two weeks with him.” The unsaid ‘ unlike you ’ hung in the air between them. “Had you been there, you’d know he’s been worried sick. Just because he hides it well doesn’t make it disappear.”

Kaneki’s breathing was irregular as he continued to stare at Tsukiyama in defiance. But while Kaneki was getting visibly excited for a fight, the angry blood in Tsukiyama’s veins was cooling down. He didn’t want to fight him. Kaneki was Hide’s best friend. But this best friend had caused so much heartache, so many sleepless nights and skipped meals over the last week. He could recall many moments of Hide asking to simply bury his face in the crook of Tsukiyama’s neck that Tsukiyama couldn’t even recall how many times it had happened.

Tsukiyama could hear the crackling of RC cells. He exhaled. In the blink of an eye, the veins surrounding his eyes had vanished and the tension was relieved from his body.

“Unfortunately, there are things only you can tell him.” His words were quiet and filled with frustration.

He would not fight Kaneki. He couldn’t do such a thing to Hide. He hoped to all that was good in the world that Kaneki understood.

He turned to leave again. Behind him, Kaneki cracked his knuckle once, twice.

Chapter Text

Keeping his house clean and items in place was one of Tsukiyama’s principles. An orderly home nurtured an orderly mind.

He had scrubbed the floorboards clean and waxed them until they shined with his reflection the weekend before, in preparation for Christmas. But his shoes had found themselves kicked off across the hallway: the right one next to the door, the left one at the corner of the living room. His coat was spread between them, where he had abandoned it as it had slid off shoulders onto the floor. His unbuttoned shirt hung from the back of the sofa, his trousers were in a heap in the corner, where they had landed after he had kicked them off. His socks were inside out at the doorway of the bathroom.

His mind was far from orderly, and the chaos that was brewing inside him was showing in his unusual behaviour. His home wasn’t as it should’ve been, and his unease grew. Despite it, he couldn’t do anything about it except try to ignore it.

Inside the bathroom, Tsukiyama turned the tap of the bathtub. Steaming water spurted out violently against the bottom, drops reaching his skin. They burned a little, but his face remained void of any reaction.

‘What the fuck do you know about-’

Too much, Tsukiyama mused. Or too little. I don’t know. I know too much to ignore it, but I know too little to actually help.

The Shea bath oil poured out of the bottle. He had always thought it was very comforting. The fragrance that was meant to be a hint in the air turned into an overwhelming stench when the last of it dribbled out. He dropped the empty bottle on the floor and reached for another one. He cracked open the lemon soap, squeezing more than half of it out into the tub.

Had he overstepped his boundaries? Would Hide be upset that he got involved? Was what he had done, too much?

He stopped abruptly and looked at the bottle in his hand.

“Too much, huh...” he muttered in his daze, and set the bottle down again.

Or was what he had done too little? Had he not been persistent enough when he insisted that Kaneki should go back?

He sat on the bathroom stool, staring at himself in the mirror. He had brought up one foot onto the stool, and his arms were hugging his leg tightly. His hair was falling on his face, and it cast a dark shadow over his eyes.

He could’ve tried to drag Kaneki back against his will... But that could’ve been deadly. The Anteiku staff had given up on him, so he couldn’t have just knocked him out and dragged him home on his own. Kaneki’s new allies hadn’t seemed that strong, but they could’ve easily beaten him in numbers. But if his words couldn’t convince him, then there was nothing more he could do.

He stayed there for who knows how many minutes. Motionless. The tension let go of his body, one nerve at a time and left him tired. Lethargic.

Helpless .

The bubbly water splashed onto the floor when the tub overflowed, washing away the empty bottle left on the floor. He stood up again, very slowly, and stepped into the warm puddle to turn the tap off. He stared at the bathtub for a moment, watching the water and bubbles stream down the sides. He needed to gather himself.

He felt like a little kid again, trying on his father’s business suit, only to find himself tripping on the trouser legs and unable to grab for support with the sleeves in the way.

The water was scalding, and Tsukiyama’s toes were burning at the contact, but the pain was relieving. He sat down, sinking further into tub, pushing more water over the edges. He leaned back, resting the back of his head on the towel on the edge. When the breathed in, his lungs were filled with sickeningly sweet smell of Shea and sharp acidity of the lemon. When he breathed out, he emptied everything in him into the air, until there was nothing inside him.

He should’ve known really, that words from him would have no more impact on Kaneki than those of Touka and the others.

(But what about Hide? Shouldn’t Kaneki care about Hide’s feelings, even if they were only conveyed through Tsukiyama’s words? The friend who Hide cared so much about was abandoning him for things he wanted to do ? Things that were more important than a simple greeting and assurance that he was alive ?)

He had long since lost his sense of time. The only way he could tell that any time at all had passed was we then water stopped burning and his fingertips had turned wrinkly. He inspected them for a minute, humouring the idea of filing his nails, until he gave up. He had barely enough will in him to stand up again and drain the tub. The still warm water swirled down the drain, leaving behind trails of foam. The slick feeling on his skin forced him to take a short shower just to get rid of the excess soap he had so mindlessly poured in.

He had to tell Hide that he had seen Kaneki, because Hide deserved to know. But the idea alone brought dread into Tsukiyama’s heart.

The ventilation was making quick work on making the steam disappear, leaving him with goosebumps when he stepped out of the shower. He dried himself and padded into his bedroom, pulling on his pyjamas and a cashmere sweater to ward off the cold. On his feet, he pulled on a pair of wool socks.

He had turned off his phone for the time of the raid and remembered to go turn it back on. He fetched his phone from the pocket of his coat and put the coat on a hanger. The phone vibrated as it was turned on again, and in a minute it showed that he had missed several texts and calls from Hide, judging by the amount of voicemail notifications were left. He opened the text and cursed.

He was supposed to come over tonight... Fuck.

But the longer he kept reading the messages, the more apparent it became that Hide hadn’t intended to have come over after all. An all-nighter at work: it wasn’t something Tsukiyama had never heard before. He sent a quick text apologising for not answering sooner, and told him to be sure to get at least some rest. He was a university student after all.

Feeling a little guilty when he looked at the trail of clothes going through his apartment, he told himself to act like an adult if he was going to lecture others about responsibilities. He gathered his clothes into a semi-neat pile in his bedroom and placed his shoes neatly next to the other pairs.

He mulled over whether or not he should go sit down in the living room for a little longer or go to bed, when he heard noises on the other side of the front door. Heavy footsteps neared his door, accompanied by heavy breathing. There was a single thump against the door that made Tsukiyama jump at the suddenness. He frowned and went to open the door. He had to take a step back when Hide’s sluggish body switched from leaning on the door to lean against Tsukiyama.

“Hide? What are you doing here? Weren’t you supposed to be working all night?” Tsukiyama touched Hide’s cheek softly. “You’re all sweaty.”

Hide learned his face against the warm, soft palm and said nothing. Hard, hot puffs of air hit Tsukiyama’s wrist.

“I’m sorry I didn’t answer you immediately. I just sent you a text, actually. I should’ve done that earlier. But what...” He didn’t know what he was trying to ask. At the back of his mind he saw Kaneki, but pushed him away. Kaneki had to wait.

Hide shook his head, his jaw stretched into a yawn. He took a step forward and leaned his head on Tsukiyama’s chest. He reminded Tsukiyama of those soggy noodles he sometimes saw Hide eat for a quick dinner. Carefully, Tsukiyama wrapped his arms around Hide’s waist, holding him upright.

“Carry me?”

Tsukiyama stroked Hide's hair, trying to get a look at his face. Hide avoided him by turning his face away. Tsukiyama pursed his lips, but did as requested. He hoisted Hide up from behind his thighs, feeling Hide's calves press against the small of his back. Hide's face was buried into his neck, tiny huffs warming his skin.

Hide fell asleep in his arms on their way to the bedroom. Tsukiyama considered waking him up, but realised it didn't matter if he had answers right now. They could talk another time. Hide was home, with him, and Hide was safe.

It was the only thing Tsukiyama truly cared about.

When he woke up and he looked at Hide, Tsukiyama feared he might die. The morning after Hide’s surprise visit, was so dreadful to him because of its implications. He felt like he was dying.

Hide, groggy with sleep, rubbing his eye while wearing a worried expression, asked him what was wrong. He asked him why he was making such a tormented face so early in the morning, but how could Tsukiyama begin to explain his pain when he could only imagine how Hide would feel.

He could recite many poems, sing many songs of how love was the most wonderful and joyous thing one could know. They were all wrong. Love hurt. It hurt so much to love. He was hanging in the air with a branch of wisteria wrapped around his throat. He was tearing from his seams with love and the worry that came with it, and it made him miserable.

Tsukiyama pressed his face against Hide’s hair. He whispered many things, but the what Hide could hear the most was ‘I love you’.

They laid in bed, cuddling and talking. They talked about nothing while their hands caressed gently over the other’s body, feeling all the familiar bumps and dips beneath their fingers. Hours passed. Hide rose to kiss him on the lips, nosing his cheek with immeasurable amount of affection.

That small act broke him, and Tsukiyama confessed to him in hushed words:

“I saw Kaneki-kun.”

He had no idea how to explain what had happened to Hide, but he had to tell him. Hide’s lips that had trailed his jaw line had paused for a second, before Hide hummed and pressed another kiss on the corner or Tsukiyama’s lips.

“So he’s alive.” A statement that sounded like something Hide had known from the beginning. Hide moved back to lie on the bed with his elbow proper beneath his head.

“Yes,” Tsukiyama confirmed with a nod, staring at Hide, or more like his chest. “He said... He doesn’t intend to return... Yet,” he added the word as an afterthought, simply because he was too afraid.

“So he didn’t say what he was going to do then? Aa-ah that’s so like him,” Hide laughed. Tsukiyama frowned when he saw the dark shadow in Hide’s eyes still linger even when he smiled.

“You’re... not going to ask..?”

“Hm?” Hide turned back to him. “No. That was the friend you said who needed help, right? Someone who was going to go help Kaneki. Seems like he has some good friends with him. I’m starting to feel a little lonely.” His attempt at making a joke fell flat.

Tsukiyama quickly wrapped his arms around Hide. “I’m sorry.” He didn’t know if he was apologising for not being able to bring Kaneki back or for not being enough for Hide alone.

Hide patted his back. “It’s fine; it’s not your fault. You’ve done more than I could’ve asked already.”

But Tsukiyama wanted to do more. But he didn’t know what he could do when Hide didn’t ask him for anything.

He could only keep guessing what his next move should be. Meanwhile, he would try to keep Hide as happy as he could.

Tsukiyama’s father was obviously conflicted when his son told him he would like to spend Christmas with his lover rather than with his family. The call had been a spontaneous decision on Tsukiyama’s part. He hadn’t even discussed the plan with Hide yet, at least in anything more than in passing.

“I didn’t know you had gotten yourself a little friend like that, Shuu-kun,” was Mirumo’s first response. Tsukiyama hummed and touched his neck. He could feel it heating up.

“I didn’t know how to tell you Papa. It’s… new,” Tsukiyama attempted an explanation as he trailed patterns on the fabric of the sofa. What he had with Hide really was something he hadn’t experienced before. He felt bad for having to break the news to his father so suddenly.

Mirumo let out a happy chuckle.

“New, huh? Is that all you’re going to tell me? You can trust your papa, Shuu-kun. I won’t gossip,” he joked. Tsukiyama and his father both knew it to be a lie; his father loved to talk about the pride and joy of his life that was his only child. If he found someone willing to listen, he would talk his son to the moon and back.

Tsukiyama huffed, but soon a dreamy look set on his face.

“Well, his name is Hide, and we met at one of the cafes I frequent. He doesn’t stand out much in a crowd; he blends in with the common folk. But if you saw him up close, Papa, he’s so pretty. His eyes are so warm and his smile! When he smiles my heart starts beating really fast, so fast I fear it might jump out through my chest. He’s so clever and he always listens to me and lets me pet his hair when he plays video games.” Tsukiyama paused to sigh. He could go on and on about Hide, but still feel like he hadn’t let his father know just how wonderful he truly was. On the other end he heard his father’s warm chuckle.

“You remind me of myself when I first met your mother. Tell me, child, have you bought him flowers?” he asked, a lilt to his voice that somehow told Tsukiyama he knew the answer.

“Yes...” he answered, suddenly feeling a bit wary.

“The apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree.” Mirumo’s smile could be heard in his words. “Your mother’s the reason half the flower shops could do as well as they did back in the day. I bought thousands and thousands of flowers every year... Every room had to have at least three fresh bouquets.”

Tsukiyama laughed in response. “Hide-kun is different. He said he’s horrible at keeping them alive. But I cannot for the life of me figure out where he puts them, though,” Tsukiyama complained. “He doesn’t throw them out, that much I know, but they must be somewhere.”

“I’m sure you’ll find out one day, Shuu-kun. Are you sure you would not like to invite your little friend for a dinner?” Mirumo offered, sounding suddenly very hopeful.

“I’m sorry, Papa, I know it’s our tradition to have dinner together at Christmas, but I don’t think Hide-kun’s quite ready to come over for dinner yet.”

“Oh? Am I that scary?”

“No, Papa! It’s just that…” Tsukiyama bit his lip. “I don’t think Hide-kun knows etiquette very well. I’d have to train him first.” He felt bad, talking about his boyfriend like he was his dog.

Mirumo let out a hearty laugh. “I’d say that’s fine, but I understand your worry. Know that if he makes you happy, he’s the right one for you. Even if he’s below your class.”

“Thank you, Papa. I’ll come during the morning, but I’ll have to leave before afternoon. I’m going to make a Christmas meal for Hide-kun. I was considering something traditional and European. I hope it’ll turn out alright since I can’t taste it...”

There’s a short pause, and Tsukiyama feared he might’ve lost the connection. But no, Mirumo was just silent for a while longer.

“... I see. In that case, I’ll see you soon, Shuu-kun.”

“Huh? Uh. Yes. See you soon, Papa.”

The call left a bad aftertaste in his mouth.

“So it’s a date?” Hide asked as he wrapped his arms around Tsukiyama’s neck. Tsukiyama’s hands went to his waist reflexively. Neither of them noticed it, because that was how it was simply meant to be.

“I guess it is,” Tsukiyama said with a relaxed smile. He had been planning it out quite a bit now. He was excited to spend his first Lovers’ Christmas. Hide seemed excited for it too.

“Awesome! I should’ve put an order for KFC…” Hide looked thoughtful as he said it. Tsukiyama looked mortified.

“I am relieved you didn’t. Hide-kun, I planned to have a traditional Christmas meal with you.”

“Huh? But that is tradition.” Hide’s brows furrowed and formed a crease on his skin. Tsukiyama pecked it away.

“No. I’ll cook for you. I’ve already looked up recipes for traditional Christmas dishes. What you will eat is a proper Christmas meal.”

On the morning of 25th he woke up even earlier than usual. He’d be busy all day, and needed every minute he could squeeze out of the day. He tried to be quiet as he got dressed, but when Hide rolled to Tsukiyama’s side and found it empty, he made a discontent noise. Tsukiyama tiptoed to his side, shushing him.

“Hide-kun, I’ll be going to go see my father. I’m sorry I woke you. You can go back to sleep.”

Hide made another noise, more questioning. He hadn’t even opened his eyes, just patted the bed like he was trying to convince Tsukiyama to return to his rightful place by his side. Tsukiyama sighed, resisting the urge to dive back under the covers.

“I’ll be back before three, so don’t worry about dinner. I just have to go for a quick visit because I couldn’t make it for the family dinner party.”

“Wha-. Mm… Wait, what? Shit, you had dinner plans with your folks?” Hide muttered, trying to lift his head up from the pillow. He cracked his eyes open and peered up at Tsukiyama in the darkness of the bedroom.

“No, it’s fine. I called Papa earlier and told him I wouldn’t make it this year. That’s why I’m going during the day.” He fidgeted in place, looking to the side. His voice went even softer. “I really wanted to spend Christmas with you, Hide-kun.”

Hide didn’t do anything but stare. He couldn’t do anything but stare. A sudden burst of affection spread from his heart to all over his body. He reached out a hand towards Tsukiyama. Tsukiyama grasped it gently.

“Me too.”

Tsukiyama leaned down to press a small kiss on his forehead.

“I’m sorry, but I have to go now,” he apologised and let go of Hide’s hand. “Go back to sleep. I’ll see you later, okay?”

Hide pulled the covers tighter around himself and nodded. Tsukiyama smiled and did his best to save the image in his memory.

The dining hall was filled with gold, red and green ornaments. The air was filled with the fragrance of fresh oranges with cloves stuck to them in different patterns. Tsukiyama and his father stood at the side, watching the dinner party being set up. They had been catching up for a good while. His father had been busy with business, and Tsukiyama had been getting ready to finish his studies. Eventually they came back to the topic of the day before. Even if Tsukiyama was eager to talk about Hide, there was one thing he’d rather avoid discussing with members of his family. But as fate would have it, it seemed to be the one trait burning his father’s mind the most.

“So… He’s a human?”

Tsukiyama didn’t answer. He didn’t know how to. It didn’t even sound like a real question. He stared at his father, his throat becoming tighter by the second. A dark hole was irritating his insides. He turned his head away, looking down at his feet as he nodded. He feared what was to come.

Mirumo turned to look at his son, his eyes filled with so many emotions. He reached a hand out and pressed it gently on his son’s shoulder.

“I am not telling to forget about him. You’re too stubborn for that, I should know. I’m the exact same way. But Shuu-kun, you must be careful. It isn’t just about you; it’s about all of them.” He looked towards the servants bustling around the hall. Hundreds of people were working in perfect unison. Tsukiyama raised his head to look at them. It was a lot of names, a lot of lives, ready to be placed under question if the Tsukiyama family was ever suspected of being ghouls.

“I must ask you: does he know about you?”

Tsukiyama swallowed down the lump in his throat. His eyes were burning as he nodded. He couldn’t lie to his father in a million years. Mirumo made a thoughtful noise.

“That does complicate things. However, my words still stand true. I trust your judgement, child.” The hand on his shoulder squeezed reassuringly.

Tsukiyama blinked the tears from his eyes.

“Thank you, Papa.”

They stood still in the constantly moving environment for a small eternity.

“Would you look at that? Word of your visit travels fast,” Mirumo said and pointed at a figure that was smaller than most, heading briskly towards them. Kanae stopped in front of them, bowing.

“It has been a while, Shuu-sama!” he exclaimed, trying not to sound too huffy. Tsukiyama felt his heart clench. It had been too long since they had seen each other.

“I’m glad to see you well, Kanae-kun. Have you grown taller again?” he asked. It had been but a month or two, but Kanae was looking much less like the child he once knew and much more like a young man. Or maybe it was him that felt young and helpless again.

“I have not,” Kanae said with a huff. Tsukiyama chuckled and apologised. After all, he had not meant it to be teasing.

“Hey! Welcome back! Here’s your present!” Hide greeted him the moment he stepped inside his apartment. Tsukiyama removed the scarf that was covering his face one round at a time and hung it on the coat rack. His coat found its place next to it. As he walked towards Hide in the entry hallway, he noticed the potted plant sitting at Hide’s feet. Upon closer inspection, he recognised it as a cherry tree sapling. Around its frail trunk was a large red ribbon.

“They had run out of spruce, but I’m sure it doesn’t matter that much. Right?” Hide asked, squatting beside the plant and gently fluffing its leaves.

Tsukiyama bent over the sapling to kiss Hide on the forehead.

“Thank you,” he said. “It’s cute. Where should we put it?”

“Living room?”

Tsukiyama made a confirming sound. Hide picked up the pot and set off to find their Christmas tree’s new spot, while Tsukiyama left for the kitchen. He could still make it in time for dinner with his cooking.

The fresh pasta was sitting in the bowl in the refrigerator, and Tsukiyama placed it on the counter. He rolled it thin and tried not to glance at the clock on the wall every five seconds. He would have time but he needed to concentrate or else he would be late. He had prepared nearly all of the food already. All that was left was the primo, the vegetables and the mulled–

Wine, he thought and turned his nose up. How anyone could drink such a foul smelling thing was beyond him. Nevertheless, he took out a pot and let the red wine pour out from its bottle. The smell would linger in the house for days, he was sure of it. He stirred in the spices and set it on low heat.

The pasta was cut into small circles and filled with ricotta cheese. Footsteps neared behind him, and he felt Hide’s arms sneak and wrap around his waist.

“You don’t have to be so diligent about them,” a muffled whine pressed against his shoulder blade. “I’ll eat them no matter what they look like.”

Tsukiyama hummed. “I know. Because you’re eating them, I want to put effort into them.”

Hide’s head rolled back as he groaned and he pushed his face against Tsukiyama’s back again. “Hopeless,” he muttered.

Tsukiyama finished shaping the little pasta pouches and heated up a Dutch oven next to the wine. Hide still hadn’t released him and was hindering his movements, but Tsukiyama brought the broth to a boil and dropped the pasta in with Hide curiously peering from one side and then from the other.

“What’s that?”

“Your dinner.”

“Uhhuh,” Hide let sarcasm coat his words in thick amounts. After a pause he added a thoughtful: “Smells good.”

Tsukiyama hid his smile by turning his head, but Hide could hear it in his voice. “I’m glad.”

“I found the present you had left me.”

“Did you like it?” Tsukiyama asked, unsure what the answer would be. He had seen him sighing after another gaming console that was too much for his budget. Hide had told him there was a new game that he wanted to play, that required another, newer version of his current, and still relatively new, console. Tsukiyama had checked multiple times but still worried he might’ve bought the wrong one on accident.

Hide put his worries behind him with a simple: “Oh hell yes. Thank you, Shuu.”

The mulled wine bubbled, and Tsukiyama poured it with a wide grin into a mug. Hide’s mug specifically. It was a large thing with Santa on both sides. Fit for the festive season.

“Is it time?” Hide asked, not bothering to conceal his excitement. He unlatched himself from Tsukiyama’s back and took the mug in his hands. Taking a deep whiff and then a careful but appreciative sip, he let his body relax with the strong taste of alcohol and spices resting on his tongue.

Tsukiyama raised an expectant eyebrow, waiting for a reaction while taking out plates from the cupboard. He began setting the table for one while occasionally glancing at Hide, who was leaning against the counter and staring off into space. Once in a while, he took a new sip and let out a content sigh. Tsukiyama interpreted it as a good sign.

The plates, glasses and cutlery were set neatly on the table, soon enough surrounded by dishes of different kinds.

“As the primo, there is tortellini soup with red wine.”

“This is so fancy,” Hide muttered and sat down. His cheeks were slightly flushed, from the alcohol or the heat of the mulled wine, Tsukiyama didn’t know. “Which… Which ones do I even start with?” he asked, looking at the cutlery with mild confusion.

Tsukiyama smiled. “Good time as any for you to learn. You start with the outermost pair and work your way through to the middle. Oh and first you put your serviette in your lap. If it’s a bigger one, it’s good to fold it in half. And wipe your mouth if you’re going to drink.”

Hide paused folding his serviette to look at Tsukiyama with an empty gaze. Tsukiyama stared back, unblinking.

“...right.” Hide finished folding and took the spoon in his hand.

“Elbows off the table.”

Hide dipped the spoon in the soup and brought up a tortellini. He blew the steam away.

“Mm…” He was about to begin but Tsukiyama cut him off.

“No speaking when your mouth is full. Wait until you swallow to take another spoonful.”

Hide glared at him. He chewed and swallowed before saying: “I just wanted to say it’s delicious.”

Tsukiyama wore a teasing grin and didn’t turn to hide the blush on his face.

Hide was soon scraping the last of the broth from the bottom of the bowl. “Any chance for seconds?”

“You have other food left to eat. The secondo is much more of a mix of different countries’ dishes, concentrating on seafood.” Tsukiyama revealed the dishes from underneath their covers. “Oysters with mignonette, smoked salmon and herring in wine, accompanied by Brussels sprouts and red cabbage. To drink I had planned white, but I can change it to water.” He was slightly worried if Hide could tolerate this much alcohol even while eating as much as he was.

“I’ll take the white. Is this all meant for me?” Hide asked, astonished by the amount of food. “Do you have a feeding kink of some sort?” he continued, more quiet with his eyebrows furrowing.

“A what?”

“Never mind,” he said and cut a piece of the fish to place on his plate.

“Okay. Yes, it is all for you.”

“Are you not going to eat?” Hide asked, sounding worried.

Tsukiyama shook his head. “I had lunch with my father earlier, so I’m fine.”

“How did it go?” Hide rolled a couple of Brussels sprouts on his plate. “With your dad?”

Tsukiyama leaned back on his chair and looked up at the ceiling. He had hung limes with clover stuck on them in patterns on the light. It was traditional to put oranges, just like the servants had done at the mansion, but he preferred the lighter scent of limes.

“It went… Good. I told him that I was seeing someone…” Heat crawled up his neck and he shifted his eyes to look to the side. He felt happy about how accepting his father had been, and they had parted on good terms as always but…

“What did he say?” Hide’s voice had an undertone of strain, probably as a reaction to how Tsukiyama was behaving.

He told me I didn’t have to forget about you, Tsukiyama thought, but didn’t say. He recalled all of the happiness he had felt and smiled as true as he could muster. “He said you’re the right one for me if you make me happy. Regardless of class.”

He laughed at Hide’s face.

Tsukiyama had laid down on the couch in front of the fireplace, and Hide snuggled up to his side, his face pressed into the crook of Tsukiyama’s neck. Tsukiyama could smell the chocolate in Hide’s breath from the Sacher torte he had saved for dessert. Even if tasting human food was disgusting, he couldn’t turn down kissing Hide. His hand gently patted Hide’s stomach, easing away when Hide groaned.

“Please don’t touch my tummy, I’m so full,” Hide plead, and cried out when Tsukiyama’s sneaky hand pressed down just once. He didn’t even use any force, but Hide’s face changed immediately and he rolled to his other side. The Cherry Christmas Tree was sitting next to them in its pot, enjoying the warmth of the fire.

Or is it like a torture show? Tsukiyama wondered as he wrapped his hand around Hide’s chest. Watching one of your own kin burned up in flames.

He remembered a question one of his classmates had once asked their teacher: can plants feel pain? Most had laughed at them, and the teacher had gone on a tirade how plants didn’t have pain receptors, it should be obvious they cannot feel pain, but now he couldn’t help but wonder if it could be true.

There was pain of so many kinds. Like when he had fallen in love with Hide.

“At first it hurt so much.” Tsukiyama whispered into Hide’s hair. “Sometimes it still does.”

Hide turned his head to look at Tsukiyama, but couldn’t see his face clearly. “What did?” Hide reached out a hand to brush the hair away from Tsukiyama’s face. It had grown longer and sometimes it was so silky it slipped from behind his ear to cover his eyes.

“Loving you.”

“Oh.”

“Not in a bad way. It felt like I was in a storm and drowning. But now the waves have settled at the sea. I think.”

Hide hummed thoughtfully but said nothing more.

“I was afraid of getting hurt. It was so all-consuming. But I think I’m fine now.”

Tsukiyama moved his head closer, until his forehead touched Hide’s temple. He stared at Hide while Hide stared back at him.

“First, I was scared you’d run away,” muttered Hide.

Tsukiyama blinked.

“I was scared you’d try to push me away. Because I knew and I confronted you. And because I made you promise something awful. You remember?”

Tsukiyama’s throat tightened and he didn’t even try to prevent the tears from forming in his eyes.

“I do.” To live even after Hide had died. Pretend there was enough light in a world bound to be as dark as a black hole.

Hide looked hesitant to continue but pushed on regardless.

“And you intend to keep it? Such an awful promise?”

Tsukiyama didn’t answer, not immediately. Hide stared at him with dark, gentle eyes. Tsukiyama knew he wouldn’t blame him if he answered no. Yet he answered:

“Yes. If you want me to: yes.”

There was a day, after Christmas but before New Year, when Tsukiyama visited Anteiku. The cafe had returned to its cosy and warm atmosphere, with just a hint of melancholy in the air. He saw Touka standing behind the counter, and no Kaneki.

‘I guess he said what he meant.’

Touka looked tired and more fragile than before. Tsukiyama asked what was bothering her. She glared and spitted out:

“You know very well.”

Tsukiyama didn’t let her snappy tone sway him.

“I thought you’d be happy to see him safe and sound.”

“I am.” She saw the look Tsukiyama was sending her: an expectant look. “Tch. Thank you for helping us.”

The words did not come out easy. Tsukiyama’s face was brightened up by a smile. In comparison Touka’s frown was filled with disgust. “Don’t let it get to your head, you piece of shit.”

She turned away to serve another customer, but Tsukiyama could hear her mutter:

“I hate to even think of owing you anything.”

Tsukiyama was thinking quite the opposite. He sat down on his regular spot and took out a book he had packed in his bag. It had been a while since he had come out to a cafe to read anything.

He wondered if there was anything else he had been neglecting. Any other hobby or activity he hadn’t taken part in for a long while.

His stomach grumbled.

‘It’s been a while, hasn’t it?’

Chapter Text

“Tonight ladies and gentlemen! There is a great feast for to the holiday season: we have called upon the best of our suppliers to give us the finest ingredients for what will be the restaurant’s last meal of the year! The chefs have been working hard since early morning to prepare some appetisers for you while we prepare the main course.”

Excited murmurs rose from the crowd that was gathering around the stage below. The restaurant had put real effort into the festive atmosphere, and the guests that had come to dine were clad in greens, reds and whites all around. The spirit of Christmas had not yet settled down.

Tsukiyama watched the show with only mild interest. He made a few polite comments about the form of the main dish while taking a sip of his aperitif.

“The bloodwine has been excellent this year, don’t you agree, Mr MM?”

“Yes,” he replied, distractedly staring at the commotion near the entrance. “Quite excellent. Excuse me for a moment.”

He sent an apologetic smile to his company and strode over to the cluster of servants surrounding an unfamiliar figure. The face was hidden by a mask and a hoodie, and they were standing in the shadows.

“Gentlemen, please. Is there a problem?”

“Mr MM! I’m sorry, sir. This boy refuses to leave. We don’t know how he got here,” one of the waiters explained, nearly begging for Tsukiyama to do something in his power to ease the situation.

“I am sure more hands are needed downstairs than up here causing all of this commotion. Now off you go,” Tsukiyama commanded, sending a sharp glare towards any who tried to oppose. The servants scattered, embarrassed to have caught the attention of many of the patrons. Tsukiyama turned back to the uninvited guest.

“Unfortunately you are not invited, and therefore we need to remove you from the grounds.”

The person’s head rose to look at him, and suddenly a shiver ran down Tsukiyama’s spine.

“Unfortunately,” Kaneki replied, “I can’t leave yet. I need to see someone called Madame A.”

“Personal issues are to be handled outside the restaurant,” Tsukiyama stood his ground.

“Tsukiyama-san,” Kaneki sighed.

“Please refrain from using real names of the patrons inside the restaurant. Eyepatch ,” Tsukiyama drawled the word out. Kaneki stepped closer to him, staring straight at him, unafraid.

“Move.”

“I refuse.”

“You…” Tsukiyama heard the familiar crackle of RC cells and saw Kaneki’s eye turn. “...Are an obstacle.”

Kaneki gave him barely a second to pull out his own kagune before he attacked. He wasn’t as strong as Tsukiyama, nor as experienced, but he could tell Kaneki had put some effort into becoming stronger. His scent had changed again. He was covered in bitterness.

“Are you sure you want to do this, love?” Tsukiyama asked Kaneki. “If you do this, there is no turning back.”

“There never was.”

Kaneki’s clothes ripped as more of red appendages ruptured through his skin. Tsukiyama shivered again. There was something unnatural about him. Something was bothering him about Kaneki.

He blocked an attack. They were an ill match. Tsukiyama worried he could not get out of this unscathed.

The hall was filled with shrill shouts and screams, much like the ones that came from the stage below. He wondered if this was how it felt to be a human visitor in the restaurant. To be hunted.

Kaneki didn’t care who he hit, as long as he hit someone. Tsukiyama decided that a tactical retreat might be best, but before he could get away, two tentacles struck his shield and it cracked under the pressure. He watched them pierce through his white suit in slow motion, splattering blood all over like a rose that opened its petals for the first time. One kept him in place while the other made its way back to its owner. Kaneki unzipped his mask, licking the blood dripping down the kagune.

“You taste delicious. Not anything like the others. I should’ve eaten you.”

Tsukiyama staggered back and ripped out the kagune from his shoulder with his bare hands.

‘Eaten me?’

He stared at the retreating kagune, still covered in his blood. He remembered a similar sight, but it felt like it had happened so long ago that he had almost forgotten about it. It had been at a different setting.

Kaneki looked past Tsukiyama at the woman who was staring back at him in fear.

A mutual prey’s home. Tsukiyama had only wanted the mother. But when he entered, bodies were strewn around like broken dolls. The walls had been splattered with blood.

Tsukiyama leaned on the wall next to him and watched with tired eyes as Kaneki walked past him.

There, right in the middle of it, a woman had been standing. Her hair was drenched in blood and guts. Her kagune had pierced through the soft stomach of the mother, insides spilling onto the floor. And just like Kaneki, her kagune was dripping blood onto the floor as she smiled at him. She had gotten to his prey first.

‘Rize.’

He pressed a hand against his wound and winced. He hadn’t gotten hurt this bad in years.

Behind him, Kaneki was closing in on his own prey.

“What do you want from me?” Madame A cried, stumbling over her feet as she tried to walk away without turning her back to Kaneki.

“I’ve heard you know about Dr Kanou.”

“I know nothing!” she denied, falling down onto the floor as she tripped over a body of some poor fool who had not made it out early enough.

“I have a trustworthy informant, Madame A,” Kaneki smiled and kept stepping closer. “It took a lot to get them to spill what they knew of you and Dr Kanou, so I hope you prove to be useful. If not for my sake…”

His kagune rose like the tail of a peacock behind him. To Tsukiyama, who was stumbling out, desperately trying to make his escape and who had turned to look behind him one more time, it looked oddly beautiful.

“...Then for yours.”

Kaneki’s attack was stopped by kagune ominously similar to his, but Tsukiyama was no longer there to see it.

‘But why does he remind me of her?’

From: Tsukiyama Shuu

Subject: Family Emergency

Message:

I’m sorry but I won’t be making it tonight. We’ve had a family emergency, and I am required to stay at the mansion for the night. If you need to reach me, please call the number I’ve given you earlier.

29.12. 21:47

From: Nagachika Hideyoshi

Subject: are you okay?

Message:

i’m sorry to hear that. are you okay, though? i’ll call you if something comes up but you can call me too if you need to talk.

love you

29.12 21:51

There was no answer.

From: Nagachika Hideyoshi

Subject: come back soon

Message:

i really hope everything’s okay with you and your family. hope to see you soon.

30.12 22:23

There was no answer.

From: Nagachika Hideyoshi

Subject: happy new year

Message:

Happy New Year! if you can, tell your family i wished them a happy new year too. i miss you.

31.12 23:49

There was no answer.

Despite how selfish he knew it was, a part of him wished Tsukiyama had left his family to spend the New Year’s Eve with him. When the clock struck one on the first of January, he pulled the covers over his head and pressed the pillow against his mouth. It was hard for him to breathe.

Why does everyone leave? Does no one want me?

Tsukiyama slipped out from under the covers as quiet as a mouse and sneaked towards the door. He cracked it open, ever so slightly, and peeked into the hallway. No one was out there. Even the lights weren’t on. Kanae and Matsumae must have been ordered to help at the banquet hall. There was no reason for them to worry about him, when he was supposed to be sleeping soundly. And even when he wasn’t, he found it fortunate to be able to avoid them so easily.

Carefully, he opened the door enough for him to slip out and walk down the long corridor to the stairs. One floor down, and he could hear the sounds of a grand party to celebrate the change of the year. Tsukiyama kept to the shadows and near the walls, just in case someone had decided to venture out. It wouldn’t be the first time. Those who had taken a liking to the offered bloodwine were often found under this specific staircase, necking with other guests or sometimes even staff.  Despite his worries, he saw no one wandering the halls. He avoided the ballroom, and headed for the servants’ quarters. It was the least likeliest place to be occupied at the time. It also gave him an exit.

The thick cardigan resting on his shoulders shielded him from the creeping cold, but a breeze tickled his ankles through his pant legs. The laughter of the party came muffled from light years away, nowhere near his moonlit path from one building to another. The connecting hallway bathed in the weak light shining from the dark and cloudy sky. He could see snowflakes falling, hitting the window only to disappear in the blink of an eye.

The night was beautiful. Tsukiyama wished he could be with Hide. He might be able to make it still, if luck was on his side.

As he had suspected, the servants’ quarters were deadly silent. He couldn’t even hear the party anymore.

Without dawdling around, he rushed to the closet that held the reserve outfits for servants. They came in all sizes and shapes, so one was sure to fit him. He didn’t want to put lights on, on the off chance someone would be curious to come see why they were on. Trying to find the right sized clothing in the pitch black proved harder than he had thought, and in the end the shirt was just a little too tight around his chest, and his trousers were sagging. He didn’t have time to try and find something better fitting and closed the closet.

The back entrance had a warm-looking coat hanging from a coat rack and the keys to a car hanging from a nail. He took the keys, eyeing the logo. It wasn’t one he had driven before, but it couldn’t be that different.

He was about to pull the coat on when a throat cleared behind him. He cringed silently and turned to look over his shoulder.

“Shuu-sama.”

“ Yes ,” he drawled out the word ”Matsumae?”

Next to her stood Kanae, fidgeting and eyeing the floor in guilt. Every so often he looked up at Tsukiyama, but his eyes always whipped back down.

Matsumae managed to communicate her disapproval of his attire with a single look, but without moving a single muscle on her face. Tsukiyama let the coat slide off his shoulders and placed it back on its place on the rack.

“You are in no condition to be moving around yet,” Matsumae reminded him for what had to be the fiftieth time. “Had it not been for Kanae,” she placed a heavy hand on the child’s shoulder,” you might’ve slipped away unnoticed. If you had, you could’ve gotten even more hurt.”

Tsukiyama felt guilty, but it didn’t change the fact that he still wanted to leave.

“I’m fine,” he attempted to reassure her, but before he could even continue, Kanae was glaring at him.

“You are not!” he cried out and walked over to him to glare at him up close. “You’re still injured! And you’ve refused to tell anyone why!” Tears welled up in his eyes.

Tsukiyama couldn’t bear looking at him and shifted his gaze away. “I’m fine,” he said again, stubbornly. A small gasp escaped him when Kanae’s small hand rested itself on his wound. It had barely pressed down but it made the soreness flare up.

“You’re not, Shuu-sama.”

“Kanae,” Matsumae said, a hint of scolding in her voice but it was gentle. His actions were inappropriate for a servant, but Matsumae understood them. Kanae withdrew immediately and trailed back to her side.

“Let us take you back to your room, Shuu-sama.” Matsumae offered her hand to him, like he was a kid again. Unwillingly Tsukiyama took it.

“Can I at least have my phone back?” he asked, looking out of the window. The snowfall had increased, and the garden was slowly but surely getting covered in a white veil.

“No,” Matsumae denied him.

In his most humble opinion, Tsukiyama believed the situation to be taking a turn for the utterly ridiculous.

“Am I a patient or a prisoner?”

“A patient, of course.”

“Then give me my phone.”

“I’m afraid I cannot do that, Shuu-sama. You need to concentrate on your recovery. I’m sure there are people who want to hear from you, but they can wait. Your well-being takes priority.”

“I healed days ago! Why is my father keeping me locked up and without a way to contact the outside world?”

“Excuse me for what I am about to do,” Matsumae said and poked the same spot Kanae had poked just moments ago. Tsukiyama winced and sent a weak glare at Matsumae when she continued. “You’ve merely managed to heal the skin above the wound and some of the tissue beneath it. It’d be unwise of you to leave the manor in this state.”

“It doesn’t explain why I can’t use my phone, Matsumae.”

“Mirumo-sama’s orders. I believe he will return it after the New Year’s party. He wished to speak with you tomorrow.”

Tsukiyama frowned. “About what?”

“I’m afraid, I do not know.” They had reached his room, and Matsumae opened the door for him. “You will find out soon enough, I’m sure. Please get some rest for tonight, Shuu-sama.”

Tsukiyama sighed. “I’ll try. Good night, Matsumae, Kanae.”

The door closed as Matsumae and Kanae bowed to him, leaving him alone again in his room. His adventures outside roused more questions than answers. But that was how life was designed to be.

His father leaned back in his chair. “You said he knows you’re a ghoul?”

“Yes.”

“That’s too bad...” Mirumo sighed, but didn’t continue to explain. After a moment of silence, he asked “Do you know what he does for a living?”

“He’s a full-time student, but he does work part-time as a delivery boy... Papa. Did you do a background check on him?” Tsukiyama was far from pleased and let it show on his face. His father did not falter though, which made Tsukiyama wary.

“I did. Do you know where he works?”

A question that had multiple answers. But he wasn’t a hundred percent sure what answer his father was looking for. He had to make a decision of either risking bringing unwanted attention to Hide’s employer by trying to excuse his involvement with the CCG or try to cover up in hopes of avoiding the topic altogether by being as vague as possible.

“Yes.”

“A human I was willing to let slide, Shuu-kun, but CCG?” His father’s voice was pained.

Tsukiyama clicked his tongue. He had obviously made the wrong choice. He hoped he could still save himself from a complete disaster.

“Papa, I know it doesn’t look good to you but–” The volume of his words rose as his father shook his head. He wasn’t used to fighting with his father. “–he isn’t baiting me, there is a reason he works there! It’s not because of me but his friend–”

“Isn’t baiting you? He works for the CCG! Have you lost your mind?” Mirumo asked slamming his hands on the coffee table.

“Papa, listen to me!” For a moment Tsukiyama could really feel their alikeness. Both of them were as stubborn as mules. “He’s explained the situation to me – well not completely because he doesn’t want to put me in danger–”

“Doesn’t want to–?!” Mirumo cut him off, but Tsukiyama pushed through.

“–and he’s trying to find information about his friend through them! It has nothing to do with me! He is not an investigator, so he isn’t being trained nor fed with the propaganda, and he isn’t going to leak information about me because I could easily drag his friend down at the same time! He’s been protecting two ghouls, and if he takes me down, I take Kaneki-kun and that means Hide-kun goes down too!” He didn’t like the scenario he was painting before him but if it meant his father would lay off of Hide, he’d paint a picture as gruesome as possible for it to happen. Just because he could, didn’t mean he would.

“If you have the chance to rat him out before they kill you,” Mirumo muttered skeptically. “I told you before, Shuu-kun, this isn’t about you only. The moment you decided to trust him with your life, you trusted him with the lives of hundreds of others, maybe even thousands depending on how long they can keep the information net going.”

“Father...” Tsukiyama hung his head, heartbroken. “I know I am being selfish. But nothing you say can make me change my mind. But I swear to you, that as I have placed my trust on him, if he were to ever show a sign of breaking it, I will cut all contact with him. Forever.”

His father stayed silent. His eyes were closed off, and Tsukiyama couldn’t read his expression for even a hint what his thoughts were.

“Shuu.”

Tsukiyama perked up at the use of his name without a suffix. His father had never done that before, for as long as he could remember.

“You say that... but I could never know for sure.” His father’s words didn’t sound strained in the slightest. They had unwavering strength and clarity in them. They were the words of a man who had made up his mind, once and for all. His eyes stared right back at Tsukiyama. “If he shows a sign… I will show no mercy.”

He’s always wondered what ghouls seemed like to humans. What he saw before him might’ve not been the full experience, but he felt like he had seen a glimpse of what it was like to stare a monster in the face.

“I’m not cruel enough to force you to kill him yourself, nor will I needlessly torture him. But I want you to understand that a sign of him turning against you is a sign of him turning against all of us. I cannot and will not have that. If the situation arises, I will eliminate him.”

Transfixed by the sight and the words, he nodded. There was nothing more nor nothing less he could have done. His father nodded back, with his expression more open again. There was so much love on his father’s face, so much love and wish to protect, but he just couldn’t feel any of it.

It was three days into the new year, and Hide was contemplating whether or not he should just call the family phone.

If you need to reach me.

Was it a need or was it a want to hear Tsukiyama’s voice? Did he have a need for his presence or simply a want? Humans were social creatures, they needed contact, but could contact with a certain person be called a need?

He glared at the text on his phone and threw it across the bed. Gratefully, he watched it slide just to the edge, not over it. He’d rather not have to buy a new phone just because he was acting like a petulant child that didn’t get all the gifts on his Christmas list. He could survive, but that didn’t mean he wanted to be without.

He laid back down and closed his eyes. That was what he did most of the time now. Slept. He slept until he couldn’t sleep anymore. Or until Tsukiyama would come back.

Being bedridden gave Tsukiyama a lot of time to think. It wasn’t his father’s words that he thought about. They were simple, unpleasant, something he couldn’t get around. In a way, he had come to accept them. His father and him had come to a consensus of sorts, and the tension between then had dissolved. So he didn’t need to think about it.

Instead, he thought about Hide, mostly. Not that it would’ve come as a surprise to anyone anymore. Rumours of his new little love interest had spread like wildfire. He didn’t know who to blame: himself or his father. He had ended up sighing and moaning after affection, and before he knew it, he was telling anyone willing to listen all about how Hide would wake him up on Saturday mornings by petting his hair or how he missed the small kisses they shared whenever the just happened to sit next to each other or how he couldn’t stop staring at Hide when he came back from the shower with nothing but a pair of boxer briefs on. He had told them so many things, but he had a sneaking suspicion all of it had been started up by his father after the call before Christmas. He had first seemed rather giddy to find out his son was seeing someone in all seriousness. Even if that someone was a human. After he had found out about Hide working for the CCG, he had stopped, but Tsukiyama had continued on his behalf.

Tsukiyama rolled on his side to look at the morning sun shining into his room through the curtains.

Hide wouldn’t betray him. Hide would never betray him. Tsukiyama was convinced of that. He knew his father might never be over his doubt, but Tsukiyama had laid himself bare to Hide. With his revelation he had made Tsukiyama promise.

Promise me you’ll live even after I’m dead.

He had promised to do it. But why?

A bird flew by, and its shadow crossed the room.

There were so many why’s. Why was Hide convinced he’d die? Why did he want Tsukiyama to promise he’d live on after he had died? Why did Hide think he’d die before Tsukiyama did? Why did Hide think Tsukiyama couldn’t protect him even a little bit with all the strength, power and money he had?

He remembered his father telling him once when he was young:

Shuu-kun, money cannot get you everything. But one would be a fool to think money doesn’t have a lot of power in this world. It might not give you what you want, but it can be an asset that helps you reach your goal.

The bird flew back to sit on his windowsill.

Was there nothing he could do? He trusted Hide when he said he knew something, but a little worm of doubt was eating at him.

It was early in the morning, a week after he had been injured, that he was reluctantly released from the care of the servants and his father. Mirumo had offered to see him off to home, but his secretary had strictly reminded him that he had meetings to attend. Tsukiyama had told his father he’d be fine. After all, Matsumae and Kanae were sure to see him return safely to his home. He didn’t have to doubt it for a second.

True to his predictions, they were waiting by the car when he stepped out to the front yard, as he was seen off by the rest of the servants. Rows of maids and manservants, some of the gardeners and even his favourite cook were standing on the steps of house, wishing him farewell. He waved at them, amused by their dramatic goodbye. It wasn’t like it was going to be final, yet one even broke out a handkerchief to wave back at him as he stepped into the car.

Kanae sat next to him; Matsumae took the place of the driver and slowly accelerated through the path leading away from the Tsukiyama manor.

Tsukiyama cracked open the window, and the weak morning breeze blew against his face, his hair tickling his ears as it moved along with the wind. He watched the droplets of dew move closer to each other the more they gained speed until they slid across the glass. The sunlight hit their surfaces, and millions of little spectres shined at him, like small but bright light bulbs.

If he was to help Hide, he’d have to help Kaneki. He didn’t like the idea but he’d do what he had to do. And if he was to help Kaneki, he’d have to find him.

“Matsumae.”

“Yes, Shuu-sama?”

“Take me to the little mouse.”

Chapter Text

Hori Chie slurped her mango smoothie, with extra sugar, as her feet kept kicking the air under the table. Tsukiyama leaned his elbow on the table, absentmindedly stirring his coffee, black, no sugar. It was like every other time they met up in public. Hori was carefree; Tsukiyama was troubled.

“So? What do you plan to do?”

“I’m not sure,” Tsukiyama said. His mind was tired from thinking, his head overheated. No matter how hard he tried to get it going again, every push ended up with him more tired than before. But he refused to give up and rest.

“Have you asked your boyfriend?” Chie asked, staring at him intently. She watched as Tsukiyama’s slight frown turned into a face of utter frustration. She sucked on the straw as Tsukiyama made his burdens known to anyone who was willing to listen.

“At this point I don’t even have to. I know the answer: ‘You don’t have to worry about it.’” The frustration changed his voice to a slightly mocking one. “‘I can manage it on my own. I don’t want to bother you with my problems. This is between me and Kaneki.’” He let out a moan. “He’s so stubborn it’s not even funny anymore. He’s made it clear that when it comes to the situation with Kaneki, I’m practically useless to him.”

“‘So don’t help him’–” Chie’s words were cut off by Tsukiyama’s glare. She put her hand up to let him know she wasn’t finished, before he went on a rampage to chew her out. “–is what I’d normally say, but it’s clearly not an option for you.”

She stopped to take a long sip. It was Tsukiyama’s turn to stare intently at Chie. Anyone other than her would’ve felt intimidated by the force in his eyes, but Chie didn’t even bat an eyelid at his behaviour. She had been promised a free smoothie, and she would make damn well sure to enjoy it too.

“You said you aren’t sure. So you have some sort of a plan, then?”

Tsukiyama nodded hesitantly.

“The reason I’m uncertain is that if this… lead doesn’t work for me, I’ll have nothing.”

Chie could guess his words before he could even say them.

“Need a favour from your best pal? Sure thing.” She knew he always repaid favours. “Name, aliases, appearance,” she listed without a pause. “I’ll see what I can find.”

“Thank you, Hori,” Tsukiyama said, truly grateful for having her as his friend. “Real name is Kaneki Ken, used to be a university student at Kamii. People call him ‘Eyepatch’. I have a picture of him, from his ‘missing’ poster, but his hair is now white. Average height.” He scrolled through his phone for the saved image of Kaneki Ken back when he still used to be a whole human being. He looked so… insignificant and bland. Very different from the time Tsukiyama last saw him.

“White hair, huh? That should make things easier. So what are you going to do?”

“I know the cafe he worked at briefly. I’ll ask his co-workers a thing or two about him.”

“‘When hunting for an animal, one must think like an animal’,” Chie quoted Tsukiyama, guessing his motivations. He remembered the lecture he had given her when he had been explaining a ghoul’s hunting tactic to her, years ago. “You plan to learn his mind to hunt him down then.”

Tsukiyama smiled, a hint of the Gourmet stuck in the corners of his mouth. He had always loved a good hunt. It made the meal all the more delicious.

She stared him right in the eye, still unafraid of his secret persona, and slurped noisily the last drops of her smoothie, earning a few irritated looks from other patrons around them. Neither of them cared.

“Before you head off after your game,” Chie said, sensing their tryst was coming to an end. Maybe it was the impatient shifting of Tsukiyama’s feet, or that her smoothie’s edge was nearing the bottom that tipped her off. But she wanted to get one thing off her chest before she let him go.

“Yes?”

“You’re getting influenced. Being too much like Nagachika. He’s bad influence on you,” Chie rolled the cup between her hands, but her eyes were glued to Tsukiyama, her jokingly serious tone holding a real warning. “He’s not the only one trying to do everything alone. Well… You’re not as bad as he is. And I know you’re already strong on your own, but what makes you stronger is having others around you. I’m not the only one you can turn to.”

He stared at Chie, wondering what she meant, but when he followed her shifting line of vision to the car waiting outside and the impatient Kanae standing next to it, he understood.

“Ah. It seems you’re right, little mouse” If he had rested for one more day, maybe he would’ve come to the same conclusion. “Thank you.”

“Happy to help. But one last thing.”

Tsukiyama smiled at her, urging her to continue. There was a subtle wave of relief gently lapping at his feet, climbing his body. “What is it, little mouse?”

Chie leaned forward, eyebrows bunched together, eyes fixed on him like it was a matter of life and death. “When are you going to properly introduce your boyfriend to your best friend? It’s been months. I’ve only met him a couple of times, and that was before I knew you were–” She crossed her fingers. “–tight.”

Tsukiyama tried to look offended, but it melted away into fondness. He would love to gather all the people he loved so dearly in one place even if for a day. “One day, Hori. I promise.”

All I have to do is ask.

"Do you serve me, or my family?" Tsukiyama stared at the rain fall into puddles, and the puddles splashed onto the pedestrians when cars sped past them. Anyone wearing light pants or skirts was unlucky. The rain had surprised them all. The sky had been cloudless what had felt like just moments ago.

Matsumae switched gears as the red light turned green. “I was hired by your father to serve the entirety of Tsukiyama family. This includes you.”

‘So both,’ Tsukiyama thought. ‘But it isn’t the answer I look for.’ Nevertheless, he nodded.

“I’ll go home for now. There isn’t anywhere I need to be today.”

“Understood, Shuu-sama.”

She sped up, heading for his flat. Car rides with Matsumae were always quiet. Her presence made it hard for others to speak, with her stifling and imposing aura confined in the small space of a car. Tsukiyama had feared it a little when he was small. Over the years he came to appreciate it. He was talkative by nature, but everyone grew tired of talking over time. He had noticed how Kanae too had gotten used to the quiet car rides. His posture was relaxed, not strained like an over-tuned string of a violin, ready to snap in half the moment it’s touched.

It isn’t just about you; it’s about all of them.

He would ask them next time. He still had no plan. But once he had one, he would call Matsumae for help. He would rely on them so he could protect them.

"Takizawa-san, are you stressed again? You're eating more meat than usual. The ghouls must be giving you a lot of trouble." Hide set his lunch down and sat next to Takizawa, giving him a quick bow in a greeting.

"I’m a man, Nagachika! I need these proteins,” Takizawa held his chopsticks up, piece of burger sitting snugly between them. “Even when the ghouls are hiding, being an investigator is hard work."

"It sure seems like it,” Hide laughed, taking off his hat, placing it next to his tray. “Nothing like mine, where I only need to use my legs. I can give my mind a break. You, Mado-san and Amon-san always work hard until the last minute."

Takizawa’s face scrunched up in a second.

“Ah, sorry! Didn’t mean to ruin your appetite,” Hide apologised. He wouldn’t tell Takizawa that he had done it on purpose, just to see the reaction. It was one of the most amusing things at his workplace, right after Amon getting turned down by Mado.

“It’s not unreasonable for you to work by only using your physical attributes. It balances out your university studies. Working only one repeatedly leaves you weak. If one half lags behind... Someone with average mental and physical capabilities can take down even the strongest or the smartest of people. But most important is spirit! If you don’t have the will, nothing will happen! That is why in English language you use will for future tense: because you willed it to happen.”

‘I’m not sure if that’s exactly accurate... But as expected of No 2,’ Hide thought to himself. He did say out loud, “You’ve given it quite a lot of thought, Takizawa-san.”

Takizawa waved his hand in front of his face. “No, no. It was taught in the academy.  A lot of people used to only invest in what they were good at. The teachers had to make them into well-rounded investigators, and that was the speech most of them used to motivate us to push ourselves to improve even in things we seemed to have no chances at mastering.”

He finished his lunch, setting his chopsticks down. His eyes were looking somewhere farther away. Hide watched the change with interest as he ate his own lunch.

“It feels like it was so long ago, when I was last in the academy, sitting in the seminar halls, taking notes. Or running laps on the track going around it. But it’s only been a couple of years, really. Compared to people like Hoji-san, Shinohara-san, late Mado-san... We really are just a bunch of barely hatched chicks. ” Takizawa slowly returned to the present, the nostalgia morphing into newfound excitement. He leaned towards Hide with intense pressure in his eyes. "Have you thought of becoming an investigator yourself, Nagachika?"

Hide leaned back as Takizawa’s face kept coming closer.

"Ah, not really. My major doesn’t really seem too helpful with dealing with ghouls.”

Takizawa pulled back, frowning, and crossed his arms as he leaned back on his chair. “That’s true...”

“But,” Hide continued. “Who knows? Wait, are you only asking this because you want to be a senpai?”

“Ack.”

Hide glared at him playfully. “That is not the way to go about, Takizawa-san. You should recruit for the betterment of the society, not for personal gain.”

Takizawa puffed his cheeks and looked away from him.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll get to be a senpai soon enough. The new investigators will have some great people to look up to, with you, Mado-san and Amon-san being their senpais.”

“Nagachika,” Takizawa’s voice dropped to growl. “That was on purpose, wasn’t it?”

Hide laughed and raised his hand that was holding his chopsticks to cover his mouth. “Maybe.”

‘Another fruitless day...’ Hide hung his coat on his chair. He combed his hair back with his fingers. The file sitting on his desk hadn’t been updated since last week. Kaneki had been jumping from place to place at random. Sightings happened, but when people finally arrived on the scene, he was long gone. Hide couldn’t predict any patterns in his movements. Even feeding happened at frequent but random intervals.

“Just once...”

Just once, when Hide would be ahead of him, would be enough. Just once, and Hide would be fine. Just once, and he could do it on his own.

It was the second time for Tsukiyama to come to Anteiku when a CLOSED sign hung on its door. It had an eerie feeling to it, like it was something he shouldn’t be doing. But he had already called them, and it would be rude to not follow through.

“Tsukiyama-kun,” Yoshimura acknowledged him as he closed the door. “What would you like today?”

“The usual,” Tsukiyama answered, smiling softly at the old man. He watched him pour the water over the coffee grounds with mesmerising, steady, spiralling movement. From the outside to the middle and back again.

“There was something you wanted to ask,” Yoshimura said and offered the cup of coffee.

“Yes. Thank you.” Tsukiyama breathed in the steam, letting himself be surrounded by the aroma. It was rich, fresh and lovely in a unique way that only Yoshimura could make it. It could make anyone feel at home. What could have driven Kaneki to leave Anteiku, the safe haven and home of those lost in the world of ghouls?

“I want to learn more about Kaneki-kun.”

Yoshimura nodded. “You share a common friend, yes? Nagachika-kun... was it?”

“Mm... Hide-kun has been set on finding Kaneki-kun for a long time now. It’s...” He wrapped his fingers around the cup. It burned his skin. It was painful to touch. “It’s consuming him. Sometimes he has trouble sleeping. Or he wakes up from nightmares. Sometimes he doesn’t sleep at all, because he doesn’t have the time. University during the day, work in the evenings, searching for Kaneki-kun during the night.”

Tsukiyama lets go of the cup, hiding his face behind a hand. “I tried to ask if I can help, but he refuses to let me. He keeps pretending that he’s fine, like it has nothing to do with me. Like I’m a stranger who’s watching an accident from behind a fence. Can’t he see I’m right there next to him? It’s hurting him, and so it’s hurting me. Why...” His eyes were burning and a clump rose to his throat, but he swallowed it down. His voice was a strangled whisper. “Why doesn’t he trust me? I’ve put so much trust in him. Isn’t it just fair for me to ask that trust to be returned? What if everyone is right and I’m putting my trust in the wrong person? What if... What if ghouls and... And humans...”

His voice trailed off and his shoulders shook gently. The surface of his coffee rippled.

“Tsukiyama-kun,” Yoshimura’s voice gently urged him to look up again. “That is for you to decide, not others. But it is only by not giving up that you can prove ‘them’ wrong. And yourself. The future is something we cannot know for sure, but our actions define the outcomes, sometimes in peculiar ways.”

Tsukiyama dabbed the corners of his eyes gently with the napkin Yoshimura offered. “Yes. Thank you, Yoshimura-san.”

“There are some things I can tell you about Kaneki-kun, but I believe the rest would be better if someone else told you it. Someone who spent more time and is closer to him, who knows his personality better. But you’ll have to wait until she’s ready to come down. Exams are coming up after all.”

“Ah. I see.” Tsukiyama was grateful that his eyes would have time to lose their redness before Touka would arrive. And he would have some of his composure back.

“Now, are you aware that Kaneki-kun is only a half-ghoul?”

Tsukiyama shook his head in disbelief. “A half -ghoul? The child of a ghoul and a– a human?”

“No. A human turned ghoul.”

“Yoshimura-san, we aren’t vampires, how would...” Tsukiyama trailed off as he looked at Yoshimura’s serene and serious face. “How?”

“The Binge Eater, or Kamishiro Rize was killed in an accident last year. A man was found at the site, wounded, while Kamishiro-san was already dead. The doctor in charge used Kamishiro-san’s organs to replace Kaneki-kun’s damaged ones.”

Tsukiyama’s mouth hung open. If this was true... It all made sense. How he hadn’t smelled like a ghoul when Rize was still alive. How his scent had gotten stronger. Why he reminded him of her. Why he smelled like her.

“The Aogiri Tree came looking for Rize, but found her dead and Kaneki who smelled like her. So they took him. Once he was saved... I believe he wanted to find out why. And why he was turned into a ghoul. No usual doctor would’ve been able to transplant ghoul organs into a human.”

Tsukiyama put a hand on his chin, staring off into space. Many things were falling into place. But how did Hide fit into all of it? Where had Kaneki gone off to? Had he gone after the Aogiri? Or the doctor?

He frowned. “What was the name of the doctor?”

“I believe he was called Kanou.”

Tsukiyama narrowed his eyes. There. There was his lead. With Madam A, and the connection Kaneki believed her and Dr Kanou to have.

“I’m done! I’ll kick the exams’ asses,” a voice called out and steps came down the stairs. Touka opened the door and scowled as she noticed Tsukiyama, who raised his head with a smile on his face. “Oh hell no.”

“Miss me?” Tsukiyama teased, taking a sip of his coffee. He had regained his composure. He had regained his resolve. He knew Kaneki’s goals. Now he only needed to understand his character, and he could forge a plan to hunt him down.

The very next day, he called Matsumae. He told her to bring one of the ‘common’ cars and Kanae along with her. She gave him a call back to inform him that they had arrived.

“Where do you wish to go, Shuu-sama?” she asked, like usual. Kanae was sitting in the back, next to him.

“Before we go, I would like to discuss something. With both of you.”

Matsumae kept her eyes looking out of the front window, sitting silently. Kanae had looked up from his hands, surprised by his words.

“Today I will put a plan into motion. However, I cannot have my father knowing that I have devised such a plan and I aim to follow through with it. If I ask you to keep this a secret from my father, will you?"

"Shuu-sama, we cannot–" Kanae began, but Matsumae held her hand up, silencing him.

“Shuu-sama,” she began, “we have sworn loyalty to the head of the family, your father. We cannot lie to him. Were he to ask. But if something doesn’t put you in danger, there is no reason for us to bring it to his attention.” She gave him a small smile. “You only need to stay safe.”

Tsukiyama nodded.

"At least... At least for now. If I fail... Or if I seem like I’m failing.. You’re free to do what you feel is right."

Kanae looked lost, torn between the loyalty he felt towards Tsukiyama Mirumo and the loyalty he felt towards Tsukiyama Shuu. He wrung his hands in his lap.

“Kanae-kun. I value your judgement as much as I do Matsumae’s. If there’s something you wish to say, say it.”

Kanae’s frown deepened. “I...”

Tsukiyama was patient, and waited for Kanae to get his thoughts sorted out. It took nearly ten minutes, but towards the end, the tension disappeared from Kanae’s form. He raised his head.

“I will follow you. I will help you in any way I can.”

Tsukiyama sighed. The tension he hadn’t even noticed creeping into him disappeared, leaving a heavy, warm feeling in him.

‘Having someone’s support feels nice at times like these.’

“Thank you. Both of you.” He fixed his posture, ready to take on the world with newly found vigour. “To Madam A’s, please.”

They couldn’t find her. Tsukiyama felt a twinge of worry.

“I know nothin’ more ‘bout that.”

“That’s unfortunate. Anything else interesting having happened here?”

The man scratched his beard and took another sip of the cheap bloodwine which stench could surely be smelled from his suit even after a good wash. Or two. He might be better off throwing it away. A shame, as he had quite grown to like it.

“There’s been talk that the Cannibal comes by here these days. I mean, no one from 11 would leave such a huge mess behind. I’d say you steer clear of the ‘usual’ food places. You don’t want to end up on the plate yourself, y’know?”

Tsukiyama laughed. “Indeed. That’d be most unfortunate. Does anyone know what they look like? So we know when to run?”

“One of my boys said he has this mask... Black leather, only one eye visible. Big red mouth with a zipper. Oh and his hair’s all white. Kinda spooky, like a ghost. Sometimes he’s alone, but sometimes he has company. I think they say he’s a Rinkaku type?” The man was coming to the bottom of his drink and the bottom of the information he had. He had nothing truly new to offer to Tsukiyama. It had been a week since his unsuccessful visit to Madam A, and after it, he had sniffed out Kaneki’s trail of bodies throughout Tokyo. The discussion was like the many others before it, but at least he could confirm the current location. Kaneki was hopping between the 6 th and 11 th Ward like Alice’s little White Rabbit.

He asked again:

“Anything else interesting?”

As they left the bar, Kanae sped up to walk beside him. Half of his face was hidden behind his scarf, and his words came out muffled:

“Shuu-sama. Why do you ask about so many things? Why not cut to the chase and ask about the Cannibal straight on?”

Tsukiyama grinned. Kanae was impatient by nature, still a child, but only because he didn’t know how to make patience work for him. “If the hunted knows it is hunted, it begins to hide better. What can he tell about me?” Kanae didn’t answer. “Nothing! Just some odd man, asking about the latest rumours. Nothing interesting about him. There has been no man asking after the Cannibal. No one snooping around. So the Cannibal has nothing to worry about!”

Kanae’s mouth formed an ‘o’ of enlightenment, and he sped up again, having been left behind by Tsukiyama’s long strides. Matsumae was still faithfully trailing behind him.

Kanae nodded furiously at his words, muttering how it did indeed give them a favourable position. Tsukiyama chuckled like he always did when Kanae learned something new from him. There still someone who needed and appreciated what he had to offer.

Something that he had realised quite soon after practicing writing his first academic paper, was that the academic world of humans and the underground world of ghouls worked much alike. Finding reliable sources applied to both, although the consequences of each were quite different. A slap on the wrist for plagiarism or out of context reference; the CCG on your tail or a fight to the death for attacking the wrong human at the wrong place and wrong time. Once he made this realisation, life was easier again, simpler and more organised. Believing ‘some research shows’ was the same as taking the hand of a sewer ghoul as it led you down the dark alley. You didn’t do it.

Unless you were strong enough to turn it around.

Like when he turned the head of the ghoul leading him an extra 120 degrees to the left, horizontally. The other ones quite quickly realised that they had followed a bad source themselves and tried to back out, but thankfully Tsukiyama had his assistants to editor those mistakes out. Until one last one was left cowering in a corner.

“Have you seen this person?” he asked, procuring a photo from his pocket and flashing it to the ghoul peeking at him from behind their fingers. A violent shake of the head later, Tsukiyama sighed in disappointment and put the photo back in his breast pocket.

“Shame.”

He turned and heard the mellow thud of the ghoul slumping onto the concrete. Kanae gingerly lifted his coattails to avoid soiling the garment. Tsukiyama put his hands on his hips and sighed again.

He felt like he was playing Whack-a-Mole and missing every hit.

“I wish Kaneki-kun became more considerate and stopped hopping around so much,” he muttered to himself. But if Kaneki had ever been considerate of Tsukiyama’s feelings, they wouldn’t have been in this mess in the first place.

“No more! Another goon and I will dirty my hands personally to rip their head off!” he moaned, leaning over the backseat of the car. Kanae looked over his shoulder at him in worry, while Matsumae fixed a stern gaze on him.

“May I remind you that you were the one who wanted to go on this hunt?”

Tsukiyama huffed and mumbled something akin to ‘you just did’, before he raised his head properly up and propped his chin on his hand. “Yes, but I am sick of it. Even my worst hunt wasn’t this boring, and that one was a disaster.”

Taking a deep breath, he sat up properly. His whole winter had been dreadful and he believed he deserved some material comfort.

“Find the nearest cafe. If I can’t have my prey then at least let me have my caffeine.”

Matsumae tapped the search into the GPS. Kanae turned back to Tsukiyama with a hesitant look.

“Will you buy more flowers today, Shuu-sama?”

“Hm, I think that is a thing I could do. What made you think of that, Kanae-kun?”

“Oh, I just… I saw the flowers you bought last time, Shuu-sama and they were looking… languish.”

Tsukiyama tapped his lip in thought, nodding to Kanae’s word. “You would be right. I haven’t been as attentive to them as usual. That is an excellent idea! Nothing makes the world seem brighter than beautiful flowers in their beautiful arrangements! Ah, magnifico!”

He had given the permission for Matsumae and Kanae to return home for the night, assuring them that he would go back to his apartment soon enough after his stop by the cafe. He had taken his time to stroll through the shopping street littered with bright lights to ward off the dark grasp of the setting night, waiting for a place to hit his eye for him to sit down at and take a gander at the bustling crowd around him. But before he gazed upon any such place, his eyes fixated on a small and lonely figure on the sidelines of the streets, huddled to itself, peering into the crowd but not daring to step into it. He slowly walked over to the small thing, bending slightly to speak better to her.

“You look lost, little lamb,” he placed a gentle hand on the shoulder of the young girl who was looking around frantically. The girl looked up at him with wide eyes, and he smelled the fear of a weaker ghoul. He knew his pupils had dilated, which he couldn’t control, but he could control the more than wide smile that tried to make him bare his teeth. The moment he had stopped searching…

The girl looked down at her shoes as if contemplating whether or not her little feet could run faster than him, and then back up again, when he called her name.

“But aren’t you… Hinami… Fujiwara was it? No… Fueguchi! Kirishima-san’s adorable little sister, or almost something like that.” He flashed a kind little smile at her, taking the hand off of her shoulder to place them in her plain view, together and empty. Unthreatening.

Little Hinami Fueguchi was dazzled that he knew her name, but along with his actions and his knowledge, her body released some of the tension. She gave him a hesitant nod, peering at him from below with a new curiosity burning in her eyes.

“You know Touka-onee-chan, Mister..?”

“I was there at the last gathering. But I do frequent Anteiku from time to time. Yoshimura-san and I have known each other for quite a long time,” he told her, and with every drop of a familiar name he saw her become more open to him.

“I knew Kirishima-san before she even began working at Anteiku! Your onee-chan has always been quite temperamental, hasn’t she? She used to pick all the wrong fights–” he genuinely snickered “–but don’t tell her I said that. Promise me, Hinami-chan?”

Hook.

Line.

Sinker.

She was like butter in his hands. She giggled that innocent young girl’s giggle and held out her pinky to him. He entwined it with his own.

“I promise!”

“Now tell me, what were you looking so lost for?”

A worried frown appeared on her face as she looked around them into the crowd again. “I came here to get some new clothes with Jiro-san. And I saw this cute dress and stopped to stare at it and when I looked around… She was gone. She’s a bit scatterbrained at times so it might’ve taken her a while to notice that I wasn’t with her anymore and– I just don’t know what to do…” She looked up at him with teary eyes, bunching the hem of her shirt in her small hands.

“Oh non, non, non, mademoiselle,” he consoled her, pulling out the neatly folded handkerchief out of his suit’s breast pocket. He gently wiped the corners of her eyes with it. “There is no need for tears. It is a gentleman’s duty to never let a lady cry. Worry not. I will accompany you for your shopping as we look for this Jiro-san.”

“But Jiro-san has the money for my clothes…”

Tsukiyama waved a hand. He knew he was filthy rich and that even if he renewed her entire wardrobe, it wouldn’t even make a dent in his account.

“Money is a thing to let adults worry about. When you are young, it is your duty to enjoy the world as it is!” He let a little mischief trickle in his smile. “Now, Hinami-chan. Where is this dress you were so bedazzled by?”

Like all young girls, Hinami was talkative if she was allowed to speak. It took some coaxing for Tsukiyama to get the words out of her, but when they began, they wouldn’t stop bubbling. Every young child her age wanted to talk. They wanted to be heard. But they rarely were, so when the opportunity presented itself, there was no end to it. Tsukiyama let her conscious flow freely from one topic to another, attentively listening to what she was saying, waiting for the moment to come. He knew it would come. He just had to listen.

And then, as soon as she was done comparing the patterns of two skirts to each other, and putting both back because neither represented the image she wanted to create for herself.

“What can I even do in the future, if all I read are books behind closed walls? I want to create something as beautiful as the stories I’ve read, but I doubt I can use them as my sole inspiration. Designing fashion based on books, do you think that happens, Tsukiyama-san? People read a story and design clothes that represent what they felt, what they think the characters looked like and represented in those stories?”

“Fashion designers do have to be well-versed in all forms of art, yes,” Tsukiyama affirmed, filing through the hangers barely having to know that they were ill-fitting on 99% of the target audience. It always bothered him how a layman’s store always seemed to serve best everyone except for the layman.

“Including the real world. I know why Onii-chan–” Hinami was being careful not to let Kaneki’s name slip, but Tsukiyama knew it was him she was referring to “–is hesitant to let me out of his sight, with the circumstances being what they are, I do understand . But I’m suffocating. I think he’s suffocating too, because he only goes out at night anymore. I’ve read about it you know, how people go insane if they stay inside for too long. Cabin fever. And when he’s home he barely comes out of his room. He’s always reading his books, ones I’m not allowed to read… But I’ve sneaked a peek at them, but they’re all boring, technical things about martial arts and anatomy and–” She let out a huff, piling t-shirts into a pile. She had lost her sense of guilt over using Tsukiyama’s money three stores ago.

“They’re planning on going out again. But for a longer time. They’re just waiting for the time to come so they can dump me at Touka-onee-chan’s place. They always make these plans, as if I can’t hear them from my room. I tried asking Onii-chan if we could maybe go during the day, which mind you, Banjou-san said was a very valid option, so I could go along with them but…”

She unfolded a hoodie, holding it in her hands. She felt the material, but despite liking it, it wasn’t what she was looking for. She shook her head and folded it again to put back on the pile.

“He said I shouldn’t go with him because the Ward has been so dangerous… Even though there’s a meeting with one of my favourite authors at one of the bookshops. I really wanted to get a signed copy of the The Hanged Man’s MacGuffin . I know Onii-chan wanted one too. They’re only going to be doing it this weekend.”

She frowned at the pile of clothes they had amassed in the large basket that Tsukiyama was holding on his forearm.

“Tsukiyama-san, do you think I’m being selfish?”

“If you wish for me to be honest…”

“I do.”

“Then yes. You are being selfish.”

Hinami looked up at him, resolution in her eyes. She knew it wasn’t the end of his words and she was waiting to hear them to the end. Tsukiyama had to admit he quite liked her. She was open to influence, ideas and critique, and he wished she would retain this quality throughout her life as it allowed her to learn and adapt much faster than those who closed themselves off to the world.

“But then again, all of our actions are selfish when looked at in depth. And ‘poof’ the word loses all its meaning. And everything becomes unselfish.”

He glanced at a dress hanging high up on the wall and took it down to hand it to Hinami. It had the light and flowing material of an innocent girl, the frills and patterns of a princess and the cut and design of a functional young woman heading to battle in style.

“And the cycle continues.”

She took the dress from his hands.

“Unless I decide to break it,” she announced while looking him straight in the eye. The clothing store had become her castle where she declared the war for the first time in her life.

Several pieces of neatly packed clothing later, they parted for a brief moment as Hinami sat down at the cafe with a coffee mug in hand, surrounded by bags upon bags of commoner brand clothes, while Tsukiyama was eyeing the beauties of the opposite flowershop. They came in surprisingly high quality and a wide variety. It didn’t take him long to gather the bouquet he wanted, and when he returned to Hinami’s side, he watched her cock her head in puzzlement.

“Flowers…” Her eyes widened with recognition. “The Flower Man! I remember you!”

“The… Flower Man?”

“Ah! I’m sorry. It’s the name I’ve called you since I didn’t know your real name… Because you always had flowers with you when you came to the cafe… I never saw your face properly so… I didn’t know it was you.”

Tsukiyama let out a melodic laugh. “I guess it’s one of the nicer things people have called me. Flower Man, hm? Well, Hinami-chan.” He picked a cluster of Azalea from the bouquet he was holding, and placed it in her hair. “Here’s a flower for you to remember me by.”

It took them a full three hours to run into the sickly worried Jiro, who was frantically calling Hinami’s name. Hinami apologised profusely to her, and Jiro apologised profusely to Tsukiyama, who in turn waved off all apologies, insisting it had been his pleasure – which it had. Not only had he found something excruciatingly important, he had truly enjoyed dressing up this young, bright girl. And with his new alias to add to his list, he was sure that if they could’ve ever spent more time together, he would’ve showered her in flowery gifts as well. Her bright mind, which he could sense beneath the frustrations of a young girl, was a pleasure to interact with.

Out of the blue, Tsukiyama’s phone buzzed and he looked at the message curiously.

From: Kirishima Touka

Subject: fyi

Message: Hinami-chan’s with me this weekend

30.01 21:12

The grin on his face widened.

And It was still only Thursday. He had all the time in the world to prepare.

He dialled a number, waiting the tooting to stop. He felt near giddy as it cracked.

“Hori. How about a late night cake?”

At the other end of the line, Hori Chie ended the call, having agreed to meet Tsukiyama in their usual night cafe. As she pulled on her boots, her phone vibrated with a text. She sighed when she saw the sender, and sighed again when she read the message.

“Seriously, you two...”

She sent a quick reply. She could already guess what it was going to be about. She wasn’t sure if she wanted any part in it.

From: Nagachika

Subject: Emergency

Message: Can I meet you tomorrow?

30.01 21:21

Hide had nothing. The CCG, what he had hoped to be his goldmine of information, had been depleted. They were as stuck with the situation as he was. He feared he was losing Kaneki’s trail completely, and the only one who would answer him, and who wouldn’t squeeze him dry in process, was Chie.

He clenched his phone and prayed Chie would have something. Anything.

It vibrated almost immediately.

From: Hori Chie

Subject: Re:Emergency

Message: ok. same place, same time. bring the goods.

30.01 21:22

The message flashed on the screen until it blacked out again. His fingers relaxed again, and he sighed. He rubbed his face. There was still hope for him. There was still hope for Kaneki to come back home.

Chapter Text

It was an early Friday morning. Barely anyone was up and about, except the long-distance commuters and odd early-birds.  Chie yawned and wiped away the tears forming in the corners of her eyes. With every passing second, her regret grew. She shouldn’t have agreed to see Hide before his early morning lecture, not with having been out so late with Tsukiyama the night before. But she was here now, and it was better to just get it done and dealt with, rather than tell Hide now that she would postpone it until she was properly rested. She could handle feeling like a zombie for an hour more. That was what she thought.

“Morning.”

“Okay, wow.” In a matter of a second, her state of being was like she was in her prime. At least compared to Hide. “You look like shit.” It was the nicest way she could put it.

“Mm.” Hide set down his backpack and sat down, slumped and silent. When their waitress came to take his order, he raised up his sunken, dark-rimmed eyes and asked only for a glass of water. His hand combed back his unkempt and greasy hair. It took a moment, but Chie could definitely smell it when he had last taken a shower. And it had been too long ago.

She couldn’t recall when she had asked the question last: “Are you okay?”

“Mm? Yeah, yeah, sorry. I meant to clean up before coming, but I dozed off.”

‘Maybe it would’ve been better if you hadn’t woken up for the next ten hours...’ Chie kept her thoughts to herself and stirred her latte, keeping a sharper eye on her company. If this was the condition Hide was in, he hadn’t seen Tsukiyama for a long time. Tsukiyama had mentioned that he hadn’t seen Hide in a while, only having been texting him for nearly a week. ‘ Work related things, you see ,’ he had said, but neither of them had believed it.

But it wasn’t her place to comment.

“So...” she started. “How can I help you?”

“Have you heard... any rumours, any news, anything that could tell me where he is?” Hide asked, desperation lacing his voice. He was leaning heavily on the table, barely acknowledging the waitress when she came to bring him his water.

Chie hesitated.

‘I’m sorry, Tsukiyama.’

She steeled herself. Business was business. Her personal relationships had no place in the discussion. If Tsukiyama was to blame her for giving Hide the drive to run after Kaneki when he was on the verge of giving up, then so be it.

“There has been an uproar about someone they call Cannibal. His description matches with the CCG’s Eyepatch. It seems he’s going to be moving from the 20 th Ward to the 6 th during this weekend on Saturday. Exact time unknown.” She could see the light return to Hide’s eyes. “That’s all I know.”

“No, that’s plenty enough. Thank you, Hori-san, truly.”

‘It’s not me you should be thanking,’ she thought, but nodded anyway. “My goods?”

“Ah! Here...” Hide took his backpack from under the table, opening it and handing her a paper bag. “I got them on my way here.”

She peeked inside, and there at the bottom sat two pristine korones. She nodded again, closing the bag and downed the last drops of her coffee.  “Nice doing business with you as always, Nagachika.”

Hide was already deep in thought and he said his goodbyes distractedly.

Chie left the cafe, still tired and shutting out the guilty thoughts playing in her head.

With everything going on, it was a wonder how Hide was still able to regularly attend classes and festival committee. With everything going on, it was a wonder how he was still able to play the part of a loud airhead. With everything going on, it was a wonder how he was still able to fool others with his acting.

“Touka-chan?”

He knew he could fool his senpai, he was prepared for that, but seeing Touka out of the blue... He feared she could see when for a fraction of a second he slipped in his act. But she blinked at him as oblivious as any other stranger in his life.

“Well, isn’t this a coincidence?” he laughed, pushing the posters on his senpai who begrudgingly took them, yelling after them as Hide led Touka away to a campus cafe table. He could sense she had no intention of leaving any time soon. “What brings you here? No, wait, could it be you’re possible here to see me? I’m sorry but I’m taken!”

Touka sent the only appropriate look one could send in response to his words: a forced smile that clearly showed that his jokes weren’t very funny at all.

“No, I’m here to see the campus. I plan on enrolling to Kamii.”

“Huh! Is that so? Hold on, let me get you a cup of coffee. It’s quite decent here, despite being a university cafe.”

“Oh, thank you. No sugar or milk.”

“Gotcha!”

They sat in silence. A silence that can only exist between two people who are close enough to know of each other, but not know each other. Silence that was too intimate for strangers but too cold for friends. Their silence resided in the uncomfortable Uncanny Valley.

They both wanted to break this silence.

“Hey, um!” they spoke in unison.

“Ah, sorry,” Touka apologised.

“Ladies first, go ahead.” It was always better for others to speak first, in Hide’s mind.

She hesitated for a moment. “...Kaneki-san still hasn’t been found, has he?”

Hide had expected their discussion to eventually end in Kaneki. He appreciated Touka’s straightforwardness.

“That’s right.”

“It’d be great if they found him quickly...”

Hide nodded. It’d be great if anyone found Kaneki. It would be great if Kaneki would come back. It’d be great if things could go back to how they were before.

“Nagachika-san,” Touka woke him from his thoughts.

“Huh?”

“About Kaneki-san, what kind of guy.... person was he?”

“Kaneki?” Hide questioned, and his mind began to play memories quietly. Some were uninteresting things that he remembered for one reason or another, some were what he called ‘their greatest adventures’ together. All of them had happened so long ago. “Hm... I wonder if he’s changed now.”

They both knew he had.

Hide recalled how he always found Kaneki buried in books, and how others who didn’t understand his love for words let their prejudice run rampant. He had done what he could to help Kaneki, but there was only so much a small kid could do. He could protect him from bullies, but he couldn’t protect Kaneki from his grief.

“After his mum died, he changed a little... Since then, he always seemed lonely.”

‘Even though he had me. But I couldn’t replace a family.’

“...Kaneki-san lost a parent?” Touka’s voice became softer as she asked.

“...Both of them. His father when he was little and his mother from overwork.” A new silence fell between them, melancholic and pitying. Hide wanted to break it.

“That reminds me!”

Touka looked up at him, surprised by his loud voice. Hide was already reliving the school play and didn’t notice that he had made his company jump.

“I remember it really well. That shy boy played the leading part in a play.”

Touka was surprised again, now by his words. “Kaneki... played the lead in a play?”

“Yep! Though he was partially forced into it, he was surprisingly good at acting. He was bold while up on the stage.” Hide remembered Kaneki, small and frail Kaneki, bring parents to tears with his words, gestures and expressions. Kaneki himself hadn’t even noticed.

“Wow.” Touka looked at him, dumbfounded. If it were Hide not having seen it with his own eyes, he wouldn’t believe his words either.

“...So I don’t know... I don’t know if he’s doing well or not...” Touka suddenly stood up from her seat, hands slamming down on the table between them. “But he’s definitely still somewhere reading a book or something, isn’t he!?”

Hide watched her outburst. He watched her grasp the tiny hope in her heart, that told her the future would be gentle.

“S-so he’s definitely okay...” Her voice died down to a normal level as her mind caught up with her actions. She sat back down again, looking at her cup of coffee with an oddly stubborn face.

‘Okay or not, he’s good at hiding it.’

“I wonder if you know about that, Touka-chan...” She lifted her head and looked at him with curiosity. “That guy has one mannerism.”

“Mannerism?” she repeated, watching intently as Hide raised his hand to touch his chin.

“Yep. When he’s hiding something, he touches his chin like this. This is a secret of Kaneki!” The secret only he used to know. What he had used to read Kaneki for years, to know what he was thinking, what he was hiding.

“Oh!” Touka said, nodding at his words. “Like a sign. Like how I can tell if that bastard Tsukiyama is going to say something that will piss me off. He always spreads out an arm or two.”

“Isn’t that what he always does when he speaks?” Hide asked, laughing. “What you’re saying is he always pisses you off.”

“Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying,” Touka deadpanned. She frowned for a moment, looking at her coffee again. “Nagachika-san. Are you sure you should be spending so much time with Tsukiyama?”

“So many people ask that,” Hide laughed again. “Do we visually clash too much?”

“No…” Touka muttered. “But he’s not exactly a good person, you know?”

Hide smiled a little. Touka, for all her brashness, was a good person. He wished there were more people like her in the world. “I guess same could be said for me.” This was the second time he confided in her. “But in the end, I’d rather be with him than without him.”

Touka sneered, unable to wrap her head around anyone wanting Tsukiyama in their life, but admitted. “You two... You seem… happy with him, Nagachika-san.”

“Huh?”

Touka continued, not even noticing the brief interruption.

“Even then he’s still a piece of shit! He might be just putting on a front of being civil with you. But…”

Hide cracked a more honest smile at her. “Yeah… Yeah. I guess I am. I am happy with him.”

But he wasn’t happy enough. He was too greedy.

“Kaneki-kun.”

The call of his name stopped time for a small eternity. Kaneki raised his head as he stepped out of the van. The gentle and neutral expression on his face that he had had disappeared so fast like it never even existed, turning into a blank, concealing face. The hostility oozed out of him.

Tsukiyama felt like he was choking onto the carefully crafted speech he had prepared as he stood in front of him, in his way.

“Move.”

The words of his speech were forgotten, and Tsukiyama wanted to obey. He really, really wanted to. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t move for Kaneki, he couldn’t move for Hide, he couldn’t move for himself. He steeled himself, squaring his shoulders and standing tall. He had gone after Kaneki, knowing his reputation, knowing his volatile mind took very little to be shook. But he hadn’t asked Anteiku to repay the favour they owed him, just so he could run away when he had followed Kaneki’s companions out of the 20th ward to the 6th. If he backed down now, he could lose all he had worked so hard for.

“Move,” Kaneki repeated, frowning slightly.

Tsukiyama Shuu had never begged in his entire life. Others begged him, begged for mercy, for attention, for money, for help. Tsukiyama Shuu never begged.

“Kaneki-kun,” he said, sounding like he was running out of breath, bowing his head. His speech forgotten, he spoke from the heart. “Please return to your old life.”

Tsukiyama Shuu never begged.

“I beg of you.”

“Move.” Kaneki was snarling, the other members of his group were getting tenser behind him. If he didn’t have the eyepatch, Tsukiyama could’ve seen his kakugan, he was sure.

Kaneki cracked a knuckle, and Tsukiyama couldn’t hide his flinch. His mind was shooting a silent string of curses. A hunter was never supposed to show fear. Especially not in front of the prey.

He lifted his head. Lifted his chin. Looked Kaneki straight in his eye. “Hide-kun is intent on finding you himself. I’d advice you return before he gets caught up in something that could easily be avoided otherwise.”

“Hide? What would he want to find me for?” Kaneki took a threatening step forward, but Tsukiyama was prepared for it. He didn’t back down, staring down at Kaneki at his full height.

“He feels responsible for your disappearance.” Confusion was mixing into Kaneki’s anger. It was a dangerous concoction.

“What the hell are you saying? He’s got nothing, nothing to do with this,” Kaneki spat out, nearly chest to chest with Tsukiyama, looking up at him with narrowed eyes. “Why would he feel responsible for something he has nothing to do with?”

But Tsukiyama didn’t know how to explain. He took Hide’s words as they were, not asking for further elaboration. He didn’t know the meaning of his words or the intentions of his actions.

“I... I don’t know,” he stammered out. He really didn’t. He didn’t know why Hide was doing all of this.

“You planned on using Hide as the ace up your sleeve...” Kaneki shook his head, his eye twitching. “You still think that just because you mention his name I’ll follow you back like a sheep for slaughter? You’re a fucking joke.”

“No, I–” Tsukiyama tried to interject. “I just wanted to help–”

“Help? Who? I’ve had enough of your shit, Tsukiyama. Stop bothering. Actually, I don’t even know why you bother in the first place. You seem to have yourself convinced it’s for Hide’s sake, but ask yourself this: is it really?” Kaneki asked and shoved him out of his way.

“Kaneki!” Tsukiyama shouted after him, his mind in turmoil, eyes black and red, ready to run and grab him. He wouldn’t let Kaneki get away. He had spent so long to find him. So long to get him back at Hide’s side. For Hide’s sake. It all had to have been for Hide’s sake. He loved Hide. He wanted Hide to be happy again. Hide’s happiness was standing right in front of him, and he would be the one to–

Kaneki’s head snapped back in an awkward angle. His face was distorted. His eye was wide open, his teeth were glistening next to his red gums, and his skin was pale and grey.

“If you do that... I’ll eat you.”

The world stopped.

He would. He would tease him to death’s door and the bring him back again, a hundred times– no, a thousand times, peel his skin, poke out his eyes, snap every bone in his body, extract them until he was nothing but a formless blob, drain his blood slowly, so excruciatingly slowly, and he would beg for death for every single second of it.

Tsukiyama hadn’t even noticed Kaneki disappeared from the alleyway, hadn’t noticed the worried glances Kaneki’s subordinates had sent him, hadn’t noticed the gasps for air his body was taking in.

Matsumae was standing before him, in defensive position, back turned to him. He stared at that strong, reliable back, but couldn’t help but feel like it would break if Kaneki was to ever decide it was in his way.

Kanae had kneeled next to him, soothing and gentle words pouring out of his mouth like pure water for the dehydrated, but he feared it would be soiled if Kaneki was to ever decide he wanted it.

Tsukiyama had never in his life felt so afraid. For himself or for others around him.

Hide trusted his intuition. When things went awry, and he didn’t know what to do, he trusted his subconscious to know and lead him to the right path. He trusted it to solve puzzles that were too hard for him to piece together consciously.

It had been a long time since his intuition had failed him.

“Fuck!”

His knuckles hurt, and the brick wall remained before him, decorated in a hint of blood. He hadn’t even scratched it. Not that he had truly meant to.

Why couldn’t he find Kaneki?

‘I know he’s in 6, he’s coming from 12 so he has to be either taking the bus or the train. No one’s seen a person fitting his description. So, where the hell is he? What is he doing? I should’ve tapped his cell when I had the chance, done a GPS tracker or–’

His mind was running aimlessly from regrets to questions to regrets again. His thoughts turned darker and darker.

‘I could’ve told the CCG about him. They could at least have sent him to Cochlea. I would know where he is. I would–’

He knew. These thoughts were nothing but wishful thinking. Investigators would’ve put him down immediately, regardless of whether he fought back or not.

One only has regrets when they’ve hit a dead end.

“Fuck!” he screamed, emptying his lungs into a single word. His fists hit the wall, but slid off, uselessly hanging by his side when he fell to his knees.

‘Is this it?’

He stared at the ground. His eyes were burning but he didn’t have any tears left in him. He was running dry in all aspects.

A small voice in his head whispered: “Now you can go back to Shuu. Grovel at his feet, begging for forgiveness. You’ve sacrificed him because you wanted to save Kaneki more. But it didn’t work out. So you can give up and go back to him. You know he cannot say no to you.”

He bent over his knees, forehead touching the ground.

“I can’t,” his voice came out strangled. “I can’t give him up yet. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

He whispered the words, over and over, cursing his own stubbornness.

Tsukiyama knew he was a selfish person. He had tried to tone it down, knowing he could not see Hide everyday with both of them being students and Hide having his job on top of that. But he didn’t bother with guilt as he called him, pleading him to come to his flat after work. But his pleas were left waiting in the voicemail, for Hide to listen to them. He tried three times, but even its charm was not strong enough for him to reach Hide, and he gave in, mentally fatigued.

Matsumae had an unusually tender look in her eye as she spread the covers of his bed over his chest. His quilt fell heavily over his heart, and he reached out a frail hand to grasp on Kanae’s sleeve.

“Würdest du mir ─ (Would you tell me–)” he whispered, scared that a crack in his voice could be heard, “─ die Ballade erzählen? (–the story of the Elf King?)”

Kanae smiled as gently as one could muster at such tender age, and sat beside him on the edge of his bed. “Mit Vergnügen, Meister Shuu. (With pleasure, Master Shuu.)”

Goethe’s old poem of the Elf King was something Kanae had memorised by heart, after learning Tsukiyama’s fondness for the tale.

“‘ Wer reitet so spät durch Nacht und Wind? ’ ('Who's riding so late where winds blow wild?)”

Tsukiyama himself could probably by now recite it as well, having heard it countless times, yet he always asked Kanae to recite it for him.

“‘ Du liebes Kind, komm, geh mit mir! Gar schöne Spiele spiel' ich mit dir; Manch' bunte Blumen sind an dem Strand – ('Sweet lad, o come and join me, do! Such pretty games I will play with you; On the shore gay flowers their color unfold–')”

Tsukiyama appealed to Kanae speaking German as his mother tongue, and the words rolling off more beautiful than he could speak them, but Kanae believed, in the darkest and most private corner of his mind that a story told by another was much more comforting than telling it yourself.

“‘ Mein Vater, mein Vater, und hörest du nicht. Was Erlenkönig mir leise verspricht? ’ ("My father, my father, and can you not hear? The promise the elf-king breathes in my ear?')”

Tsukiyama had confided in him, told him he had always loved the bittersweet tale, imagining he was the Elf King seducing children from their homes and the arms of their loved ones. But now it was different face he wore as he listened, not the empowered face of the King. The story had taken a new, unfamiliar form, and he no longer was the one in power. He was a frightened child.

“‘ Sei ruhig, bleibe ruhig, mein Kind; In dürren Blättern säuselt der Wind. ’ ('Be calm, stay calm, my child, lie low: In withered leaves the night-winds blow.')”

“Er wird nicht kommen, oder? (He’s not coming here, is he?)” Tsukiyama whispered, as Kanae paused to end the verse. Kanae stopped his citation and shook his head.

“Natürlich nicht, Meister Shuu. (Of course not, Master Shuu.)”

Matsumae, who neither had noticed had left and returned, handed both of them a glass of cold water. It was the least she could do, as she couldn’t force Tsukiyama to eat in his condition, and human medicine would make him worse. He gripped it tightly, knuckles white. Kanae took a small, quick gulp of the water to wet his mouth, and continued the tale. Tsukiyama listened intently.

As the life slowly disappeared from the child, the tension in his muscles loosened its grip, leaving him feeling weak and tired. It hadn’t been the most conventional way of relaxing him, but it had worked nonetheless.

“Will you stay for the night?” he asked, setting the glass on his nightstand and sinking deeper into his pillows.

Matsumae nodded. “We will stay here for as long as you wish, Shuu-sama.”

Tsukiyama nodded back, eyelids creeping closed. He knew Matsumae would stay awake the whole night, probably reading or doing small household chores, while Kanae would try to do the same but eventually nod off on the couch. Matsumae would cover him with the quilt thrown over the sofa’s back, and in the morning, Kanae would apologise profusely. The imagery made him feel warm, and despite his memory playing the fear he had felt that day all night, he felt safe.

It was past noon when he finally woke up. He was groggy, his eyes crusty, and he could taste morning breath on his tongue. He sat up, picking the sand out of his eyes. Matsumae was sitting in a chair next to him, reading a book. Tsukiyama opened his mouth to ask what time it was exactly, but Matsumae lifted her head up and looked in the direction of the hallway. Closing his mouth, Tsukiyama followed her gaze and jumped when he heard the door crack open.

“Shuu?”

Tsukiyama breathed out, letting out a weak laughter. Just Hide, it was just Hide. Hide, who he had specifically asked to come by last night. He felt relieved... and disappointed.

Hide’s head popped in from the doorway. He first locked eyes with Matsumae, who remained non-expressive. Kanae appeared behind him and pushed the door properly open from the other side, narrowed his eyes at Hide and muttered something that sounded much like ‘Unnütz (unnecessary)’ as he stepped inside the bedroom. Hide didn’t bat an eyelid at him and turned to look at Tsukiyama, who smiled at him as warmly as possible in his state.

“I’m sorry for barging in. I didn’t know you had other guests.” Hide stepped in properly and bowed at Matsumae and then Kanae, introducing himself. Matsumae mimicked his actions, and Kanae did so too, soon enough, as Matsumae sent him a glance.

“They are my family’s servants.” He turned towards them. “Matsumae, Kanae-kun, thank you for all you’ve done. You may return to the mansion now,” he said, putting a hand on Kanae’s shoulder when he opened his mouth to argue. “Alles is gut. (I’ll be fine.)”

Despite his visible worries, Kanae couldn’t fight him. If it was his master’s wish, he would obey it. Even if it killed him inside.

But he insisted on helping Tsukiyama up from his bed, as he rose to say goodbye to his servants and see them out of the door. Hide stayed behind, watching them keenly. He had rarely seen such bonds formed on pure loyalty, as with Tsukiyama Shuu and the servants of his household.

He waited quietly at the corner of the bedroom for Tsukiyama to return to him. When he did, he extended his arms to wrap them around him, pondering how long ago he had last done it. His fingers pet Tsukiyama’s hair, as Tsukiyama rested his cheek against his temple.

“I missed this,” Hide whispered, and Tsukiyama hummed in agreement. Their hands stroked arms and backs and necks, fingers pressed into tense and worn out muscles, both examining if the other had somehow changed since the last time they had cradled each other so close.

“So...” Hide mumbled into the fabric of Tsukiyama’s shirt. “What happened?”

Tsukiyama didn’t even know where to begin. Or how to begin. He had done things behind Hide’s back, which he knew Hide didn’t agree with. He was no stranger to deceit, but there was difference, a vast difference between this, and deceiving people he barely knew for survival. His deceit was pulling him away from Hide, creating a rift between them. He had to confess. It weighed his heart with prisoner’s shackles, which he desperately wanted to be rid of.

“I owe you an apology, I–” He was scared. What had been a confident and robust plead for forgiveness withered into a fearful whisper. “I went to meet Kaneki-kun.” A small shiver passed through him.

Hide’s hands fell down, barely holding onto Tsukiyama’s elbows.

“I told you it was my problem.” Hide wasn’t angry. Hide wasn’t angry at all. He was tired. He was frustrated, yes, but more than anything, he was tired. How unfair he found it, that the one he least wanted to meet Kaneki right now, had found him, instead of him, who had spent days and nights on end to find him. ‘Karma,’ he thought, ‘really is a bitch.’

Tsukiyama was angry. He was so angry. His shoulders shook and his hands balled into fists.

My problem.

“This is not your problem alone!” Tsukiyama’s frustration dripped through his words, without his control. “It’s not yours alone...” And it was true. Hide wasn’t the only one who wanted Kaneki back. No amount of cryptic guilt Hide had could erase it. He had seen how hurt Touka had been that night at the raid, had heard the longing in the words of the Anteiku staff, and had watched the little girl, who Kaneki had left in their care the day before, send worried glances at him while he wasn’t looking. So many people cared for him. So many people’s problem Kaneki’s withdrawal from society was.

“I saw him, talked to him...”

And no amount of people worrying over Kaneki could make him change his mind. Kaneki was better off where he was heading to. He didn’t want to be saved, and no one should attempt it. Tsukiyama had seen ghouls that were like animals, to whom keeping a human front meant nothing anymore. Kaneki was closer to that than the human Tsukiyama had seen from afar, sitting in a quiet cafe, too flustered to talk properly to a pretty girl.

“I was so scared... I still am scared.”

To him, Kaneki represented two fears, coiled into one. Something split in half, but fused together, all while wearing Kaneki Ken’s face.

To him, Kaneki was a feral animal.

To him, Kaneki had his mouth wide open, red gums and sharp white teeth contrasting each other, just like his eyes contrasted each other. Kaneki was someone who would eat anything in his way.

“You have nothing to be–,” Hide began, trying to reassure him. His hands were on Tsukiyama’s violently shaking shoulders.

Kaneki who would eat a foe. Kaneki who would eat a friend.

“I’m scared for you!” Tsukiyama shouted. Hide retracted his hands in reaction to his outburst. Tsukiyama feared death like any living creature. He feared losing a loved one, like any with a soul. “I’m scared for us! Look at what all of this is doing to us! We never see each other anymore. I can’t remember the last time I held you before this. And look at what this is doing to you! I know you haven’t slept well in days; you barely eat– For what reason?”

“Shuu, you know why,” Hide said, tired, so tired, so tired . “I have to help Kaneki. He’s my friend.”

Kaneki’s face... Kaneki’s face was all he could think of. Drool dripped down his teeth as he got ready to bite down. He would devour Tsukiyama whole.

Tsukiyama took in a shuddering breath.

He could never considering that a friend. He could never considering that a person.

“Your friend ... is a monster .” Tsukiyama’s voice wavered but was loud enough for Hide to hear. Hide’s hands dropped to his sides as he stared blankly at Tsukiyama. There was a deafening silence between them.

“You have no right to speak of Kaneki like that,” Hide broke the silence with flat words. Tsukiyama’s eyes widened. There the words played, right between his ears, confirming over and over that this was correct. This was what Hide had said. Once his thoughts had processed, that indeed, this was reality... In his opinion, it would’ve hurt about the same amount if Hide would have taken out a quinque and stabbed him in the gut. That was exactly how Tsukiyama felt and he bent forward as if that was exactly what had happened.

Was this how Hide saw him? How Tsukiyama saw Kaneki.

Hide’s eyes remained fixed on him for seconds that felt like millennia, until he blinked. His lips parted and a strangled sound came from his throat and he reached out his hands towards Tsukiyama again. But Tsukiyama shook his head, taking steps back, shaking and staggering on his feet.

“Leave.”

Hide tried to open his mouth again. He tried to reach out again. He tried to close the rift between them, but they were both so, so far away from each other. But Tsukiyama wanted to get further away. But Hide was still reaching out, like he tried to reach out to Kaneki for so long. Tsukiyama hated how he was comparable to Kaneki. But he needed for Hide to go away, or he wouldn’t know what to do. He needed Hide to go away now.

To Hide he was the monster. Hide feared the monster. So a monster he would show.

His eyes were on fire as he stared at Hide.

Hide flinched back and disappeared through the door behind him.

Tsukiyama listened to the front door to his apartment click open and bang closed. He had driven his lover away by doing something he had silently vowed never to do. His knees gave in and he fell onto the floor, heaving heavily until guts splattered on his pristine, fluffy white carpet. He knew wouldn’t be able to get rid of it.

Chapter Text

Hide called him sometimes. He didn’t answer.

The phone would buzz on his nightstand, louder and louder, until he would beg Matsumae to take it away.

He didn’t want to hear any buzzing. He didn’t want to see a screen light up. He wanted silence and darkness, but it was never silent when he was alone at night.

Over time, the dread in his heart changed into a swirl of discomfort deep in his gut, until it swirled out through his throat, swirled through his mouth, swirled into the white porcelain sink, and swirled down the drain. Tsukiyama stared at the red splatters, blinking slowly. Some more dribbled out from his mouth.

Herr Oluf reitet spät und weit, ─ Count Oluf rode full late and long
Zu bieten auf seine Hochzeitsleut ─ Bidding his friends to his bridal throng

“Shuu-sama!” Kanae rushed into the bathroom, glancing at the mess he had made for only a second, and reaching out to comfortingly rub Tsukiyama’s back.

Tsukiyama leaned on the counter, holding his head between his hands. He felt disgusting. He was disgusting.

“I might’ve drunk too much…”

Da tanzen die Elfen auf grünem Land, ─ There danc’d the wood nymphs o’er the verdant land
Erlkönigs Tochter reicht ihm die Hand. ─ Elf King’s Daughter reached him her hand

"Willkommen, Herr Oluf! Was eilst von hier?  ─“O welcome, Count Oluf! Why haste from here?
Tritt her in den Reihen und tanz mit mir." ─ Step thou in the ring and dance without fear.”

“Let me help you to bed,” Kanae begged, tugging on his arm. Tsukiyama allowed him to, leaning heavily on him, dragged by his strength alone to his room. His old room, the one in the manor.

"Ich darf nicht tanzen, nicht tanzen ich mag, ─ “O, I dare not dance, and I cannot stay,

Frühmorgen ist mein Hochzeitstag." ─ For tomorrow is my wedding day.”

It had been a few weeks since he unofficially moved back to his childhood home. It had taken his family and their servants by surprise, but they had, of course, warmly welcomed him back. The same day he… he had fought with Hide, just a few minutes later, he had called Matsumae. They hadn’t gotten far, and once Matsumae had heard him crying, she had turned around and sped up without asking a question.

Through his sobs he had asked her if he could go home.

She had said: “Of course.”

"Hör an, Herr Oluf, tritt tanzen mit mir, ─ “Now hear me, Count Oluf! Dance thou with me,

Zwei güldne Sporne schenk ich dir. ─ And two golden spurs I will give to thee;

Ein Hemd von Seide so weiß und fein, ─ And a shirt of silk most fine and white,

Meine Mutter bleicht's mit Mondenschein." ─ Which my mother bleached by pale moonlight.”

His room had been prepared, and he had spent many days and nights under the covers, trying to escape the world, but it wasn’t the world that bothered him, but his thoughts. He had made it a bad habit to escape to the wine cellar once he woke up, spending time there until someone, usually Kanae or Matsumae, finally dragged him out. His behaviour was worrying to many, yet no one knew why he was acting this way. He still hadn’t told a soul of the true extent of the exchange between him and Hide. Matsumae and Kanae knew they had fought, both guessing the cause to be their activities. His father knew even less. Tsukiyama knew he’d have to tell him soon.

"Ich darf nicht tanzen, nicht tanzen ich mag, ─ “O, I dare not dance, and I cannot stay,

Frühmorgen ist mein Hochzeitstag." ─ For tomorrow is my wedding day.”

He also knew what telling him would set off.

"Hör an, Herr Oluf, tritt tanzen mit mir, ─ “Now hear me, Count Oluf! Dance thou with me,

Einen Haufen Goldes schenk ich dir." ─ And a heap of gold I’ll give to thee.”

"Einen Haufen Goldes nähm ich wohl; ─ “A heap of gold I would take with glee,

Doch tanzen ich nicht darf noch soll." ─ But ere I dance, it may stay with thee.”

So he avoided him.

His father, who had poured years and years of love into him, was heartbroken.

"Und willt, Herr Oluf, nicht tanzen mit mir, ─ “If thou wilt not, Count Oluf, dance with me,

Soll Seuch und Krankheit folgen dir." ─ Then sorrow and sickness will follow thee.”

Sie tät einen Schalg ihm auf sein Herz, ─ She struck him a blow across the heart,

Noch nimmer fühlt er solchen Schmerz. ─ Never before had he felt such smart.

Tsukiyama felt guilty.

Sie hob ihn bleichend auf sein Pferd. ─ She raised him livid upon his steed.

"Reit heim nun zu deine'm Fräulein wert." ─ “Ride home to thy lady dear with speed.”

He wished he could’ve finished the bottle he had left lying on the cellar floor.

Und als er kam vor Hauses Tür, ─ And when he came before the door,

Seine Mutter zitternd stand dafür. ─ His mother saw him with anguish sore.

"Hör an, mein Sohn, sag an mir gleich, ─ “Hear me, my son, quick tell thy tale

Wie ist dein' Farbe blaß und bleich?" ─ O why is thy face so strangely pale?”

"Und sollt sie nicht sein blaß und bleich, ─ “Ah, well may my face be strangely pale,

Ich traf in Erlenkönigs Reich." ─ Elf King’s Daughter has wrought my bale.”

Kanae sat in a chair by his bed. His hands were holding an old book up right in his lap, as he cited with a gentle voice another poem to fill the silence. Tsukiyama was lying in his bed staring at the high ceiling and the ornaments on the edges of the wall.

“‘ Hör an, mein Sohn, so lieb und traut/ Was soll ich nun sagen deiner Braut?’ (“Hear me, my son, so loved and dear/ What shall I say thy bride to cheer?’) ”

“‘ Sagt ihr, ich sei im Wald zur Stund,/ Zu proben da mein Pferd und Hund ,’ (‘Tell her I went to the woods for an hour,/ With horse and dog, to prove their power,’) ” Tsukiyama whispered along with him. Kanae looked up from the book at him, but returned to finish the poem.

“ Frühmorgen und als es Tag kaum war,/ Da kam die Braut mit der Hochzeitschar.// "Sie schenkten Met, sie schenkten Wein;/ Wo ist Herr Oluf, der Bräutigam mein? ’ (On the morn, when day scarce shone in the west,/ there came the bride and each wedding guest./ She poured them mead, she poured them wine:/ ‘Now where is Count Oluf, that bridegroom mine?) ”

Tsukiyama raised his hand to lay it across his face. His voice cracked as he cited again with Kanae:

“‘ Herr Oluf, er ritt in Wald zur Stund,/ Er probt allda sein Pferd und Hund. ’ (‘Count Oluf went to the woods an hour,/ With horse and dog, to prove their power.’) ”

A foolish excuse.

“ Die Braut hob auf den Scharlach rot,/ Da lag Herr Oluf, und er war tot. (The bride raised up the robe so red,/ There lay Count Oluf, and he was dead.) ”

“Was war er für ein Narr, (What a fool he was,)” he said, gritting his teeth. But as fast as it had risen, his anger slipped away, leaving him numb. He sighed, letting his hand slide from his eyes to his side.

Kanae closed the book, looking thoughtful as he leaned forward.

Tsukiyama saw this from the corner of his eye, and moved his head look directly at him. A small smile formed on his lips as he asked:

“Was ist, Kanae? (What is it, Kanae?)”

“Ich.. weiß, ich habe nicht das Recht zu fragen, aber... Was sonst häter er tun können? (I… know this isn’t my place to say, but… What else could he have done?)”

Tsukiyama opened his mouth to reply, but closed it when he realised he didn’t have an answer.

“Hätter er sich dafür entschieden, bei der Tochter zu bleiben... niemals hätte sie ihn losgelassen. Er versuchte seine Braut vor dem, was Erlkönigs Tochter ihm an tat, bis zu seinem letzten Moment zu schützen. (If he had chosen to stay with the daughter… She wouldn’t have let him go. He attempted to shield his bride from what the Elf King’s daughter had done to him until the last moment.)”

“Und so machte er es eine tragische Überraschung. (And thus made it a sorrowful surprise.)”

Kanae nodded. “Er war verzweifelt. (He was desperate.)”

Despair led to stupidity. And Hide had been desperate, more desperate than ever before.

He was running, as fast as his legs could carry him, but the shouts, the laughter, the shadowed claws of death were catching up. He couldn’t outrun them. They would catch him, eventually.

He turned unfamiliar corners, ran through strange alleyways, deeper into the ward infamous for its bloodthirst.

The claws were close, so close that they would rip into his back any second now.

He turned another corner, and before him stood a silhouette. Another appeared from behind it, and he cursed.

Would this be the end? Who was before him: a friend or a foe?

The giggles licked his eardrums, eager to circle him completely. He took a gamble and ran toward the silhouettes. There were only enemies behind him. Moving forward held a chance.

He sprinted past them, the spring in his step renewed when the light hems of their coats fluttered in the wind behind him, the metal shining so brightly in his eyes he feared he might go blind.

Images of patrol routes and times ran through his mind, and he didn’t know if his subconscious had given him a second chance or was it just dumb luck. Nevertheless he was grateful when shouts of hunting turned to screams of being hunted.

The shadows fell behind him. As he ran, he thought he saw one standing far above him, but when he looked up, there was no one. He desperately wished he had imagined it in his adrenaline rush, but a creeping feeling wouldn’t let go of his body. A creeping feeling of the hunt still being on.

Tired of the vastness of his bedroom and the patronising presence of Kanae and Matsumae, he wandered the manor, hiding in the nooks of its walls from curious eyes.

He wandered through the same corridors over and over and over again.

Only one door beckoned him, and in the dark silence of the library did his mind find solace of any kind. He sat in between shelves from the first light of the morn to the fall of the night, barely noticing the moving shadows around him. He read a book after book, building a wall of them around himself.

To protect himself.

But even the sturdiest of bookwalls were knocked down by the light that attacked from the opened door as his father stepped in. He felt like he was ten again and caught reading when he should’ve been very much asleep.

But his father didn’t show any signs of anger or aggression. His soft footsteps stopped next to him as he kneeled down to sit on the soft rug Tsukiyama had used as his cushion while reading.

“Here you are. I was wondering why no one had seen you. This still is your favourite place after all these years.”

“You were looking for me?”

“Indeed, I was. No one had seen you all day, and you know how Kanae becomes so worried sometimes. I told them to let you be for now, but wouldn’t you know it! Curiosity got the best of this old cat, and here I am.”

Tsukiyama looked back at the book in his lap. He didn’t want to close it. It was big and comforting in his lap, with its weight pressing down on his legs. It was sturdy and could protect him from words he didn’t want to hear.

“I know the deadline for you thesis is coming up,” his father continued chattering to him in his lax and ponderous tone. “I believe that getting your degree is worthy of a little gift. So, after you have submitted, how about a little trip around France or Italy? We haven’t gone in a long while. It would be just like old days! The pictures you take of me are always dashing. Or maybe it’s all of my pictures…” Mirumo gave a little laugh. Tsukiyama couldn’t help but laugh a little as well.

He knew this trip his father was planning wasn’t just to celebrate him submitting his thesis. It was also to cheer him up. He truly appreciated the effort his father was putting in.

“Why not both? And maybe even drop by Germany. I’m sure Kanae-kun would like that. Oh, and London. Matsumae likes the musicals they play there.”

His father’s face softened to a small smile. “Of course. We can go all the places you want to go. We have time.”

Tsukiyama smiled too, and looked down at the book in his lap. Suddenly, a temari ball rolled over the pages until it got stuck in the middle. Tsukiyama recognised it from his childhood and looked up at his father. His father pulled back the hand that had been extended, his own eyes never leaving the small yarn ball. His voice was low and quiet as he spoke.

“Your mother was always good with her hands. Nimble fingers like yours, would never drop anything. She would work with absolute precision, her thread not even a millimetre out of place.” Tsukiyama took the ball into his hands, holding it gently. He remembered that this ball he had lost when he had been a young boy, was something his father had told him his mother had left him. His parents both had had an appreciation for beauty, his father more drawn to the beauty of nature, his mother to things created. He had leaned toward more to his father’s viewpoint, but he was finding that with age, he could see what his mother had found so beautiful in what a person could create. He wished he could know more what else she had found beautiful in the world. Was there anything she had found unsightly? What were her opinions, her thoughts on things, even the things that had happened long after her death? What would she have thought of Hide? What would she have thought...

“Do you think… If she was still here, what do you think she would’ve done? What would she say?” It wasn’t the first time he had wondered it, nor the first time he had asked it. But the answers his father gave him always varied, depending on the situation. This time, after brief moment of wonder, his father simply shrugged.

“This time, I do not know. I know too little. I… I assume you found something upsetting that has to do with Nagachika-kun. That is why you are avoiding everyone, am I correct, Shuu-kun?” his father asked.

Tsukiyama nodded.

His father sighed and gently put a hand over his, stopping him from rolling the ball. “I’m sorry.”

Tsukiyama looked up from the ball, into his father’s eyes. Mirumo looked back with guilt and sadness in the deep wrinkles of his face. It had been a while since Tsukiyama had seen his father so close, and only now did he notice how old he had become.

“I’m sorry for how everything turned out. I… Admit that no matter what happened between you, I could’ve been of more help to in the first place. I made it seem like you had made the wrong choice without even giving any chance for doubt, without properly listening to you. I’m sure you were worried enough on your own, and I pushed my own worries on you. A parent should never do that to their child. I should’ve helped you create better plans for safety, rather than push you to do everything on your own, leaving you overwhelmed. I should’ve trusted you more, too. It is true we hold many lives in our hands, including our own, but it shouldn’t stop us. I shouldn’t have made fear stop you from achieving happiness. I was trying to protect you from my mistakes. From losing a loved one. Mistakes are something we should learn from, but they shouldn’t make us close ourselves to new opportunities to do better, to do right. I was wrong, my child.”

Tsukiyama bit his lip. His eyes burned as he whispered: “But you weren’t, Papa. You were right. He… He… Hide-kun, he–”

His hands trembled. A tear fell from his eye, but his father caught it, wiping it from his cheek.

“Tell me what happened. From the beginning. I want to know everything you want to tell me.”

Tsukiyama took a deep breath and wailed. He wailed long and loud, bent over his knees, his forehead on the back of his father’s hand. His father’s other hand was on his back, rubbing circles, round and round and round, until he began from the start– no, even before the start, before anything had even begun, from the day he saw a lonely, bland boy sitting in cafe, targeted by a gluttonous ghoul.

He told his father about the flowers. He told his father about the food. He told his father about the games, the trees, the jailbreaks, the baths, the plans, the words and the pain. He told everything until there was nothing left to tell, no language that could express in any word what he felt, what he thought, what he had experienced.

All had been done. All had been said.

His father, still rubbing circles even if his tears were long dry, said to him:

“I have heard you, Shuu-kun.”

And for that moment, that was enough.

Everything happened so fast. Hide could surely have placed the events in the correct order if only just thinking of it all didn’t make him dizzy. He had been found out, only to be placed higher up in his position and now…

The white paper made him slightly nauseous.

He had been given plenty of time to write, but nothing came to mind. The pen in his hand twirled around, while his nails drummed an irregular rhythm on the table’s surface.

This was something he needed to do; yet this was something he didn’t know how to do.

‘I… I… I want to thank– no. I want to apologise–. No. No… I’ll leave all of my belongings to– to– who?’ he wondered, raising his head to stare at the wall before him. To the state? Any unknown relatives the CCG could find?

‘Or then…’ Tsukiyama’s face comes to the front of his mind. But the man was richer than Hide could ever dream to be, and leaving him something like his measly savings and shoddy student apartment’s contents wasn’t going to make much difference in his life. Maybe the distant relatives was the best option after all. They’d receive a sudden and undoubtedly welcomed news of an estate to be split among them. He played around with the idea of saving a family with financial trouble with what little he had. It was unlikely to happen.

What else should he say? Did he have any wishes? He knew he wanted to be cremated if a body was still left of him. He wanted the formalities to be kept to a minimum.

He wanted to be forgiven.

He should probably leave a little thank you to all his co-workers and employers. He didn’t want to seem rude, since they were going to be in the same place with them and if they happened to survive.

‘I’m sorry, Shuu.’

He didn’t expect to come out of it all alive, and if one of the investigators actually went out of their way to try and save his miserable ass, then… He probably should apologise for that. He knew many would die, but he didn’t want to be a direct cause for anyone’s demise.

But now he’d have his wish granted. He’d see Kaneki again.

With uncertain hands, Tsukiyama turned his cellphone on for the first time in a month. The screen lighted up, playing the opening animation, vibrating gently. He tapped in his PIN and password, and filled to the brim with anxiety and expectation he watched the notifications start pouring in.

Emails.

Updates.

Missed reminders.

Social media notifications.

And then the messages.

They kept on going, and he watched with fascination how the tone changed ever so subtly.

Confusion turned to apologies. Apologies turned to self-blame. Self-blame turned to distant and clipped words.

Tsukiyama was about to be sick as he felt the rift between them rip open from a tiny crack to a canyon. He had turned his back on it, trying to mend his own wounds and hadn’t even noticed how far apart they had truly become.

His hands were shaking as he tapped on the last message to open it fully.

From: Nagachika Hideyoshi

Subject: Raid

Message:

Stay away from the 20th this week. There’s a raid coming.

18.07 21:21

‘A raid?’ Tsukiyama thought, staring off into space. ‘Why is there a raid?’

For Hide to tell him to stay out of the Ward in its entirety meant it was going to be big. Big raids were dangerous, for humans and ghouls. It was easy to blow your cover or get killed if you blew it for someone.

Despite never truly having built a proper friendship with any of Anteiku’s people, he felt obligated to at least warn them of the coming threat.

Hide had sent Tsukiyama a short text. He didn’t know what he expected anymore, when he wrote it. Even when he didn’t really expect anything, when there was no reply, it hurt. It wasn’t a surprise, he had already said everything he could’ve possibly said, apologised in every possible way he could think of. He had nothing more to say. Not a single word, besides the short warning.

Yoshimura placed the freshly brewed cup of coffee on the table before him.

“I appreciate you coming to warn us, Tsukiyama-kun. It would’ve been unfortunate if our little Hinami-chan had been here and gotten caught in it all. I knew… that something was brewing and had prepared for it, but it is truly unfortunate the storm will be passing over us so soon.”

Tsukiyama looked at his coffee with a frown. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do more, Yoshimura-san.”

“Oh no, no. You’ve done so much for us lately, Tsukiyama-kun. We might not have the chance to repay you. But we owe you our gratitude,” the old man said with a bow. Tsukiyama wanted to argue against it, but knew Yoshimura had made his mind on the issue.

Tsukiyama sighed and sipped his coffee. The blend was excellent, as always, but the bitterness of the situation had seeped into the boiled water and laid heavy on his tongue.

“I have… one worry,” Yoshimura’s words were uncertain, very much unlike his usual self. “Because of our arrangement, Hinami-chan is supposed to be here next week. But due to the circumstances, we will have to keep her with Kaneki-kun, which means that he will want to know why we cannot have Hinami-chan at Anteiku.”

Tsukiyama could see where this was going.

“You fear he will come here to the raid.”

“He’s become quite different from what he used to be.” Yoshimura smiled an odd little smile. “Yet he’s very much like what he always was like.”

Tsukiyama looked back at his coffee.

Where Kaneki went, Hide was sure to follow.

Their hunt, which had lead them all in running in a circle, had come to the point of collision.

Hide hesitated if only for a second before calling Tsukiyama. He’d be damned if he didn’t try his everything to to see him one more time, even if the mere thought of it stung his heart like a hundred icy needles. But he had done something to hurt Tsukiyama worse, and he wanted oh so badly to apologise properly. It couldn’t be helped if Tsukiyama couldn’t find it in him to forgive him, but Hide needed to clear his conscience for the peace of his own mind.

The line sounded that the call was being received, and a thought occurred to him:

‘This might be the last time I’ll see him. If I even see him. He might not come. He might not answer.’

But the line cracked as his call was, against his expectations, answered. He pushed all thoughts from his mind to the edges where he could almost ignore them.

“Hey, it’s– it’s me.”

He got no answer, but he could hear a weary sigh. He didn’t have to get an answer. He just needed Tsukiyama to listen to him.

“I was– I wanted to meet with you if you’re not… busy,” he stuttered and fought to get the words out. He felt short of breath, and the small black hole had grown inside him, stretching and squeezing him from every direction. “I’m at the park right now, near the fountain where you found those flowers in the spring.” He swallowed. “Do you want to– do you want to come here?”

‘What if he says no? I’m going to die alone. I’m going to die alone and filled with guilt. I’m going to die a painful death, and– Oh no, he’ll probably blame himself for it and do something that’s gonna land him in trouble. I should’ve done this sooner. I should’ve tried harder than just leaving those meaningless messages–’

“Mm…” Tsukiyama drawled, sounding unsure, but after a few seconds, he hummed with more confidence and the smile could be heard from his words. “Okay. I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

Hide let out the breath he had been subconsciously holding and nodded. “Okay. I’ll wait here.”

Tsukiyama didn’t say goodbye to him. The line tooted as the call was cut off, and Hide’s hand fell to his side, still holding the phone with white knuckles. Slowly, he eased his grip and placed it in his pocket. His steps were jerky when he headed for the nearest bench and sat down. The pain in his chest eased until something constricted his breath again. The pressure let go for a second, only to return, over and over. He bent over his knees, staring at the ground between his feet. A tiny bug, which he recognised as a centipede was running around aimlessly. A group of ants was nearing it, and he watched the battle which ended up in the ants’ victory. The centipede was left twitching on the ground, having harmed many of the ants, but subdued under their numbers. He closed his eyes.

Too many thoughts swam around in his head for him to latch onto even one to think it through.

It was awkward. They both were standing around, avoiding each other’s eyes, preferring to stare down at the ground or follow the clouds up in the sky. Tsukiyama had greeted him with a shy ‘hey’, which Hide had returned, but the silence had fallen down between them right after. It had been many minutes now. Tsukiyama didn’t want to pressure Hide into speaking; Hide didn’t know how to begin to speak with Tsukiyama.

‘Anything, anything… Come on, be an adult for once!’

Hide cleared his throat.

“I’m…” The words came out croaky, and he cringed. He tried again. “I’m sorry.”

Tsukiyama blinked, and then blinked again just to keep the moisture from dropping out of his eyes.

“I’m sorry too,” he whispered. A relieving emptiness rose in him. He got to say what he wanted to say.

Hide nodded and stole a glance at his face. A small smile played on his lips as he sat back down on the park bench. Tsukiyama stepped closer, but didn’t yet dare to sit down. The world was too fragile.

Tsukiyama gathered the words in his mouth before he let them spill out, carefully controlling his tone to not upset the peace between them:

“Can I… ask you something, Hide-kun?”

Hide looked up at him in surprise and nodded, locking their eyes.

Tsukiyama licked his lips.

“I want to know... Would you tell me, Hide-kun, why are you so convinced of dying?”

Hide’s breath caught in his throat as he listened to the question, his heartbeat nearly covering the sound of Tsukiyama’s words. Thousand buzzing thoughts of Tsukiyama having read his mind or read between the lines of his messages and knowing that he knew he would die that day flew around his head like angry wasps.

“I just… Think that it isn’t like you to give up,” Tsukiyama finished.

The wasps settled down as Hide realised Tsukiyama had not read his mind, but was rather talking about their dark promise. An old weariness settled on his bones.

“I’m not giving up,” he sighed. “I’m being realistic.” If he didn’t die during the raid, then the CCG was sure to find him and try him with treason. A CCG employee conspiring to save a ghoul would most certainly lead to lifetime imprisonment and a shiv in his gut before he could even serve a full year.

Tsukiyama narrowed his eyes and his lips formed a tight line. Despite the stern look, Hide could tell he wasn’t angry. Simply frustrated. He nearly chuckled when he realised he’d be about done with his shit too if he was in the same position as Tsukiyama. How he hadn’t decided to give up on him yet was beyond him.

“You’re giving up without trying,” Tsukiyama began. “Hide-kun, you don’t know what will happen. That isn’t realism. You’re selling yourself as well as your…” Tsukiyama made a pained face. “...friend short.”

Hide barely stopped himself from making a remark on how Tsukiyama had last addressed Kaneki. Tsukiyama had apologised for it already. Instead he concentrated on his own demise.

“I know what the outcome is. I have tried to think of a way out of this – trust me, I’ve tried . But it’s going to be the same no matter how much I struggle.”

“Have you considered the possibility that you might be wrong ? Hide-kun, you cannot see the future. You’re setting yourself up for a miserable future, because you refuse to believe anything else is possible.” Tsukiyama took another step closer and got on one knee, placing his hand on Hide’s thigh. “You deserve a happy ending.”

Hide stared at him without a word. There was no way he could say anything to such a statement. He wanted to argue, but since it was someone he loved so deeply saying it to him...

“You just have to believe in it.”

Oh, how he wanted to believe in it.

Tsukiyama leaned in to kiss Hide on the lips. Their noses brushed, and he noticed that Hide’s nose was quite cold. He prayed he wouldn’t catch anything, sitting out there in the open. Just because it was early summer, didn’t mean it couldn’t get cold outside in the evenings.

“Just… Think about it. You can... You can come over… if you want to… You know, to talk some more...” Tsukiyama sounded a bit awkward with his invitation, not sure how Hide would take it, but looked at him with sober eyes and moved away, slow and graceful. Hide kept his own eyes on him, even when he had walked out of the park, all the way until he was out of his line of sight.

Hide sat still. Seconds and minutes trickled past. The sun had nearly set, and he felt cold, so he pulled the zipper of his jacket up.

The raid was to begin in half an hour. He knew Kaneki would be there. He didn’t know exactly where, but he’d be there.

‘That idiot never knew when to stop. A bit of a hero complex.’

He leaned back and stared at the clouds. He heard Kaneki’s voice in his head say:

‘There goes the pot calling the kettle black.’

The clouds were moving so slowly in all of their orange and pink glory. He thought Tsukiyama would have liked the sight. He wished he had stayed with him. He wished he had gone with him.

But he still had one thing left to do.

“Well then…” He sat up straight again. “Time to go again.” And left the park. He hoped Marude wouldn’t yell at him for being late.

“I do want to believe in it.”

There was no kind way to describe the underground tunnels. They smelled like shit. Hide pitied the ghouls that lived there, or had to use them for transportation. The whole place was like a dark labyrinth, and he tried his best to stay on track. He did not want to spend more time there than necessary.

‘I should be getting close,’ he thought and shook his flashlight as it flickered. ‘If you break I will murder your family.’

The flashlight seemed to take his silent threat seriously, and began working just fine once more. Hide let out a satisfied hum. He had a good inkling where Kaneki would be. Amon’s squad had reported that the Centipede had been injured and disappeared somewhere in the area. He couldn’t be far. Hide knew Amon could deal quite a strike with his quinque, and judging by the way the squad had been talking, they had exchanged heavy blows. He simply prayed he’d make it in time.

Despite leaving the park a couple hours ago already, Tsukiyama hadn’t left the Ward. He had walked around, intuition telling him that Hide wouldn’t be going to his apartment just yet. So there was no need for him to hurry back. He had plenty to think about on his own, and walking helped. He had stopped at the crossroad’s edge, waiting for the red light to turn green.

He rifled through his thoughts of doubt. Had he done the right thing, giving Hide another chance? Had he done enough, to make Hide reconsider his actions? Had he asked the right question?

Across the street a screen switched from an advert to a news reporter. The banner beneath said enough to make Tsukiyama’s heart sink as he watched with several other people the evacuation order play out. As it began to play a second time, he turned on his heels to go back the way he came from. The words warning the civilians of the danger of a CCG operation in the area rang through the square, but escaping was the last thing in his mind.

A hysterical laugh that escaped his lungs earned him some odd looks. How could he have been so blind? If he had thought about Hide’s motivations for even a second it would’ve been obvious .

He kept berating himself as he readied himself for a fight. He didn’t care what Hide thought about Tsukiyama forcing his help on him. He frankly didn’t give a fuck, because he was going to do his damnedest to keep Hide alive.

“Kaneki?” Hide whispered. The moaning, trembling mess didn’t react. He stepped closer and shone his flashlight over the creature’s form. He didn’t recognise the person at all. Loose fitting black combat clothes, white hair, a small but strong body… It was all so different from a scrawny boy dressed in ill fitting sweaters with his neatly cut black hair slicked down like a school boy’s. He didn’t– couldn’t recognise Kaneki, but he knew this was him.

He sighed, relief and sadness mixing in his breath. He attached the flashlight to his belt and bent over his friend. His poor, disoriented friend. He touched Kaneki’s shoulder lightly, feeling the fabric beneath his fingers stain his hand with wet blood.

“Kaneki, it’s me.”

“No… N-no, can’t be…”

He listened to the confused, muttered words, questioning his existence.

“I’m dying… I’m dying that’s why… Hide that’s why you’re here, I’m dying– a comforting image… But the voices aren’t– they won’t stop screaming, tell her to shut up, please, I don’t want to– I don’t, I– I– no more, please,” Kaneki sobbed. “No more…”

“Kaneki you’re really hurt. You have to heal up. You don’t have any food with you?” Hide asked him, but Kaneki wasn’t listening. He just kept shaking his head, his poor deformed head. Hide couldn’t even see his eyes. But maybe it was for the better.

“That’s okay, we’ll think of something else...”

His eyes trailed from Kaneki’s masked face to the arm still hovering over Kaneki’s shoulder.

“It’s gonna be okay, Kaneki, I promise. I’ll fix everything.”

The closer Tsukiyama came to Anteiku, the less civilians there were to blend in with. Instead, they were replaced with an increasing amount of doves patrolling in riot gear, shouting orders at each other and guiding people away from the raid area. It became increasingly harder to advance towards the raid barriers. He lingered near a couple who had their phones out, trying to catch a picture or two of a real life ghoul.

“Move along, people! This place is dangerous!”

The couple pouted as they were respectfully but sternly guided towards the main road. Tsukiyama slipped past the barriers, but was met by a dove – or maybe more of a magpie with their thick white vest over black clothes – standing on the other side. They sized him up, looking increasingly suspicious as they came closer.

“No entry allowed for civilians,” came the halting warning.

Tsukiyama took a slow breath in and forcefully calmed himself down. He conjured a mildly worried frown on his face as he bent his head down in apology.

“I’m looking for my sister. I lost her in the crowd when the evacuation order came, and I thought she may have gone to the cafe we frequent.”

The magpie stopped before him, lifting their hand to the radio strapped to their vest. “We haven’t seen anyone in the area for half an hour now. I’m sure she’s been seen and told to move elsewhere by now.”

“Are you sure?” Tsukiyama’s frown deepened. He decided to gamble. “If I could just go check quickly at Anteiku? I’d be out of your hair immediately after that.”

Despite the magpie trying to mask their reaction, Tsukiyama saw the clenching jaw. He got his confirmation but now he needed to make himself less suspicious. He quickly continued. “We just found the place, and my sister has been in love with their coffee and sandwiches ever since. This part of Tokyo is a little unknown to both of us so she might’ve gone there because it’s the only place she knows.” Images of little Hinami Fueguchi popped into his mind as he thought about his imaginary sister. He’d have loved to have coffee with her at Anteiku.

The magpie was about to say something to him when the radio crackled and an urgent voice announced:

“Squad 4 has made contact with Centipede. Squad leader Amon has been severely injured. I repeat: Squad 4 has made contact with Centipede. Squad leader Amon has been injured.”

Another voice soon joined in. “Sending backup. What is the status of Centipede?”

“He’s missing, last seen heading toward the centre. Squad leader Amon dealt him severe injuries. Waiting for backup.”

Magpie blanched, turning to their fellow investigators and shouting orders of moving in. Over their shoulder, they yelled at Tsukiyama to get away as quickly as he could.

Tsukiyama took a few steps back, nearing the barrier, but as soon as the magpies turned their back on him to fly after their shiny new treasure, he slipped to the alleyway.

Kaneki had been injured.

If he was injured, he would need to hide. The buildings were unsafe. Any civilian would let the doves and magpies know. But Kaneki wouldn’t be able to slip past the barriers unnoticed. Not without a proper distraction, and from what he had heard, he had none.

Kaneki had to be underground. Tsukiyama scanned the ground for manholes, but couldn’t find any in the alleyway. He kept walking, carefully keeping to the shadows as he listened to the marching footsteps of combat boots hitting the asphalt. The caws of the magpies rang heavy in his ears. He peeked from behind a corner, watching dozens upon dozens of magpies and doves scuttle the streets. If they noticed him, he would be dead, no doubt. He was a skilled fighter, but numbers eventually outweigh skill and strength.

But there, right beneath the feet of the danger was what he was looking for.

The heady stink of excrement and pollution made Tsukiyama’s eyes water. It took him a few minutes to gather himself, and little by little he could distinguish a familiar scent beneath the stench. He took small whiffs of the air as he followed his beloved’s scent through the dark and damp labyrinth. Each step made the scent stronger, and with it, his pace became faster, until he was basically running through the darkness, blind.

It wasn’t until he heard the quiet moaning and low voice that he slowed down. The light of a flashlight was hitting the walls and blinded him momentarily as he walked towards it. On the ground he saw the familiar white hair and dark clothes. Next to Kaneki, he saw Hide with his sleeve rolled up to his elbow, speaking to him in a quiet but frustrated tone.

“C’mon Kaneki, just one bite. I’m sure it’s not gonna hurt that bad.”

Kaneki panted, saliva dripping from the corner of his mouth, clearly enticed by the offer. Tsukiyama hurried his steps, knowing full well that an injured and hungry ghoul would not stop at one bite. But surprisingly Kaneki pushed Hide away with a groan. The force made the both topple over to opposite ends.

“Hide-kun!” Tsukiyama dashed over to his boyfriend’s side. He watched as Kaneki held his head and banged it on the ground. He winced but turned his attention back to Hide who was trying to scramble back up and stop Kaneki, but found himself stopped by Tsukiyama’s strong arms. “You’ll die if you let him bite you!”

“Shuu, I have to help him,” Hide cried out, still reaching out a hand towards Kaneki, pathetically struggling against Tsukiyama’s hold. Tsukiyama secured his hold on him and turned his face so he could meet his eyes. He forcefully ignored Kaneki’s howling and concentrated solely on Hide.

“If he bites you, he will not stop. A ghoul gone mad would rather die than stop eating. And even if he did,” he looked at Hide sternly as he opened his mouth in protest, “we are in the sewers with no medical equipment. Even if we stop your bleeding, preventing you from getting an infection that could rot your whole arm off is much less likelier. You’re a human being, Hide-kun, you cannot grow limbs back once you’ve lost them.”

Hide had stopped his struggling, but he clearly wasn’t convinced yet. Tsukiyama sighed and released him from his hold before getting up. He shook off the already soiled dress jacket and rolled the sleeve of his dress shirt up. Begrudgingly, he knelt by Kaneki, lifting his head up by the hair – and feeling Hide’s eyes drill into him with disapproval – to place his chattering teeth over the skin of his forearm. Kaneki didn’t hesitate even for a second, sinking into the meat with gurgling sounds of pleasure rising from his throat. Tsukiyama kept his eyes locked to Kaneki’s head, but he could see from the corner of his eye how the wound on Kaneki’s shoulder was starting to knit itself back together.

Kaneki’s hands grasped onto his arm, nearly breaking the bone into pieces, nails digging into his skin and blood dripping down the length of it, as he bit in again and again and again. His hunger and his gluttony had lost their distinction. He was merely a ghoul, and a ghoul’s duty was to eat.

Tsukiyama grit his teeth, determined not to let a single sound of pain pass through. His breathing was laboured, and when he heard Kaneki moan into his flesh something that was eerily similar to ‘sweet’ a huff of laughter escaped him before he grit his teeth again. He had wondered what he would taste like, having grown up on only the finest of ingredients. Trust a barbaric peasant like Kaneki Ken to have the honour of tasting the labour of years of culinary expertise.

He heard shifting behind him, but didn’t move his eyes from Kaneki’s gnawing and bloody mouth. The knitting of the flesh had stopped and he yanked Kaneki’s head up by the hair, watching a strip of skin rip off from his arm along with it and disappear between the pink stained pearly teeth and blood red tongue. Kaneki was yanking against his hold like a dog on a leash, trying to get to his throat, but Tsukiyama ruthlessly threw him a couple meters away from them. Hide yelped, but Tsukiyama assured him:

“He’s all healed now.” Tsukiyama took his jacket and wrapped it around his burning hand, if only to hide the carnage from Hide’s wandering gaze. Kaneki was whining again on the floor and they both looked at him with pity. “At least physically,” he finished quietly.

He felt Hide’s hand on his shoulder, and Hide’s forehead pressing against his temple. “Thank you.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he answered, closing his eyes just for a second. It had been so long since they had been this close and connected. But the moment passed, whisked away by another one of Kaneki’s howls as he started another monologue of self-hatred, guilt and fear. “Worry about him for now.”

Hide moved away, giving him a sober nod and walked over to Kaneki.

“Kaneki,” he called out to him, clearly and loudly, just so he could be heard from over Kaneki’s own voice. Kaneki’s trembling head rose from the ground and his became quiet, waiting. Hide walked all the way over to him and sat down before him on both knees. His hands set on Kaneki’s shoulders, gently but firmly. Hide’s voice was filled with pain but he made his request without breaking:

“I need you to fight just a little bit longer.”

Kaneki was shaking his head, but Hide held on tight. “I know you can do it. And once we’re done, let’s go home, okay? All of us.”

Tsukiyama shifted uncomfortably, but he understood that this mattered to Hide more than anything. This was his goal.

Kaneki stared into Hide’s direction with his mouth hanging open. Then, slowly his head lowered and rose back up again, nodding at him. Hide smiled and patted Kaneki’s shoulder one more time. “Okay, let’s get going then!” He stood up and looked into the darkness behind Kaneki. “This should lead to a way out.”

Tsukiyama didn’t know where they were heading. They had been walking with Hide’s flashlight fighting alone against the darkness of the tunnels, Kaneki stumbling before them, and Hide and Tsukiyama trailing few steps behind him with worry oozing out of every single one of their pores. They hadn’t talked since they started walking, scared to disturb Kaneki even more in his fragile state. Tsukiyama’s fingers twitched as he stayed ready to fight Kaneki if he flipped and decided to attack Hide. He could tell Hide didn’t approve of his mentality, but didn’t bother saying anything about it. Being on edge in a situation like theirs’... It was just to be expected.

After nearly fifteen minutes of quiet, but for their footsteps, Hide spoke up with quiet, but defiant words:

“I still think you should’ve let me do it…”

Tsukiyama stopped in his tracks to look at Hide. He shook his head and resumed his walk. The question was out before he could even finish thinking about it. “Do you want to die?”

It was Hide’s turn to stop in his tracks and shake his head, before catching up to the pace. “What? No, of cour-” He didn’t even get to finish before Tsukiyama cut in.

“Then why do you keep doing this?” Tsukiyama demanded to know with a hard look pointed Hide’s way. He would no longer back down on this. He was sick of pushing and pulling away once he was half-way there out of fear. “Why do you keep trying to save Kaneki Ken? Why do you refuse my help? Why won’t you tell me your thoughts? Why do you keep acting like you will die?  You’re a self-fulfilling prophecy, Hide-kun, and I cannot understand you!” His voice rose to an angry whisper.

Hide’s face was full of pain, but he didn’t answer, opting to look at the ground instead.

Tsukiyama waited as the heavy silence made a pit in his stomach. He didn’t want to keep pushing. But he had to. He kept going, gritting his teeth to remove his mind from the empty pain to give Hide an ultimatum:

“You either give me a good enough reason to stop, or you will let me help you.”

Hide kept looking away.

“Look at me,” Tsukiyama said, his voice a whisper but strong in its tone. The evasive eyes flickered down and around his face, and he waited until they met his own eyes.

“Will you give me a reason?”

Hide opened his mouth as if to say something, but closed it, looking away and shaking his head. Tsukiyama straightened his back and lifted his chin. He looked at Kaneki and the ominous red glow at the end of the tunnel.

“Then I am helping.”

Hide breathed out a light chuckle, but Tsukiyama could tell he was still frustrated. They slowed their steps as the red light hit their shoes and watched Kaneki wander in without even noticing where he was going. Hide opened his mouth to call out after him, but Tsukiyama quickly shushed him and put a hand on Hide’s shoulder. He squinted and felt all air escape his lungs as the man standing in the middle of a sea of bodies turned around. The white coat was spread out like the folded wings of an angel of death, a stark contrast to the blood splattered everywhere around him. Even Kaneki had noticed him, coming to a staggering halt. Slowly he seemed to register the bodies he was standing on and let out a heartbreaking wail.

The angel dislodged his quinque from the body next to him and turned to Kaneki.

Kaneki could feel despair build up inside him to drowning amounts.

Hide could feel his voice catch in his throat, cracking as it pierced the air to warn Kaneki.

Tsukiyama could feel Hide’s body slip away from beneath his fingers.

Hide’s teeth bit into the flesh of Tsukiyama’s palm. Tsukiyama had wrapped his arm, that had stopped bleeding just a while ago but now was bleeding again, around Hide’s waist and was practically carrying him through the tunnels as Hide struggled against his hold. His tears were mixing in with the saliva and blood coming out of his mouth. He was huffing from the exertion and lack of breath, and for a moment Tsukiyama wished he would pass out. It would be so much easier if Hide was unconscious.

But Hide stayed conscious all the way from V14 to a manhole that Tsukiyama deemed safe enough to exit through judging by the sounds above it. He carried Hide all too ungracefully up the ladder, listening to his hiccups and sobs with a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach.

A lot of help he had been.

He lifted the cover, scanning the area for any feet or vehicles nearby and saw none. He moved it swiftly and quickly climbed out of the manhole, covering it again and setting Hide sitting against the nearby wall.

He fell on his knees, pressing his palms against the ground. He allowed himself exactly two minutes to gather his thoughts and his breath before he looked up to Hide.

Hide was staring into nothingness over Tsukiyama’s right shoulder, and it unnerved him. He was scared of the reaction awaiting him but he gave it no consideration. This was too important.

“Hide-kun,” he said softly, waiting for Hide to move his vacant gaze from next to him to him. “Did he see your face?”

Hide stared at him, anguish playing at the back of his expression that was otherwise tired and neutral. “I don’t know?” Hide answered. “I think so?”

Tsukiyama took a deep breath. That was bad. He had managed to cover his face before he had stepped into the light to yank Hide back by his collar, but Hide had had nothing covering his face. The CCG uniform was also easy to identify for someone like the angel. There was no doubt in Tsukiyama’s mind that they would know Hide’s identity in less than an hour. They had to leave, immediately. Not just the 20th Ward, but Tokyo– no the entirety of Japan. Maybe even Asia.

Tsukiyama shuffled closer to Hide, wrapping his arms around his neck, burying his face in his hair and pressing Hide’s face into his chest. He wanted to say so many things, but there was only one thing he could think of. Apologies and ‘I love you’s would have to wait.

“Hide-kun,” Tsukiyama whispered into the dark roots of Hide’s hair, kissing the top of his head gently. “Let’s go home.”