Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

SunnyHunk has added thetailor, pidgeotto, and ThePrincess to the conversation

SunnyHunk has named the chat ‘Friends!’

thetailor : omg hunk u cinnamon roll

thetailor: that’s the most innocent group chat name i’ve ever seen

Pidgeotto: hunk has anyone ever told u you’re a gift to humankind

Pidgeotto: because u are

SunnyHunk: aww guys :)

ThePrincess: I don’t know who these people are but I agree with them completely

ThePrincess: Hunk is indeed a gift to humanity

Pidgeotto: yup

Pidgeotto: also before we get this group chat into full gear, can i add two of my friends hunk??

Pidgeotto: I’ve been wanting to introduce u all for a while

SunnyHunk: Oh ya!

SunnyHunk: That’s totally fine!

Pidgeotto: Hell yeah

-Pidgeotto has added shiro and Shuturfuck to the chat-

Shuturfuck: pidge what is this

Pidgeotto: a group chat

Shuturfuck: why am i in it

Pidgeotto: u need more friends u lame butt

shiro: I can attest to that

shiro: also hi pidge

Pidgeotto: hi shiro!!

thetailor: why is ur name shuturfuck

Shuturfuck: maybe because i want people to shut up sometimes

thetailor: oooooo

thetailor: so edgy~

SunnyHunk : Okay guys why don’t we all introduce ourselves!

SunnyHunk: Just so we can avoid confusion let’s just say our names and pronouns

SunnyHunk: I’ll start. I’m Hunk and I use he/him

Pidgeotto: we should also say our hogwarts houses because why the fuck not

SunnyHunk: Oooo that’s a good idea! I’m a Hufflepuff!

thetailor: I’ll go next

thetailor: I’m Lance, use he/him, and I’m a ravenclaw

Pidgeotto: I’m Pidge, u can use either she/her or they/them for me, i kinda alternate between the two

Pidgeotto: and i’m a slytherin

thetailor: ooooo a slytherin, so evil!

Pidgeotto: i will punch you

thetailor: would u even be able to reach me shorty???

Pidgeotto: say goodbye to your kneecaps, bitch

Shuturfuck: I wouldn’t fuck w/ her

Shuturfuck: she’s scary when mad

Shuturfuck: anyway i’m keith, he/him, and i’m a slytherin

thetailor: oh damn 2 slytherins better watch my back

Shuturfuck: for a ravenclaw u don’t seem very smart

ThePrincess: Ooooooooo

thetailor: shut it snake boy

shiro: Guys we were doing intros, remember?

thetailor: oh ya

thetailor: sorry guys

Shuturfuck: sorry

shiro: Moving on,

shiro: I’m Shiro, he/him, and I’m a gryffindor

thetailor: every group chat needs a gryffindor jock

Shuturfuck: do u always have to add ur opinion??

thetailor: yes

ThePrincess: ahem

SunnyHunk: Guys let Allura be introduced!!

ThePrincess: Thank you, hunk

ThePrincess: Like he said, I’m Allura and I use she/her, and I’m a Gryffindor as well

Pidgeotto: well now we have two harry potters in our midst

SunnyHunk: wait so keith and shiro, how do u know pidge??

shiro: Pidge’s brother Matt and I have been friends since high school

shiro: and I used to spend a lot of time at her house

Pidgeotto: so eventually shiro’s little brother, keith, started tagging along

Pidgeotto: and since he and I were kinda near the same age we became friends pretty quickly

Shuturfuck: yeah that’s pretty much what happened

SunnyHunk: Aw childhood friends!! That’s adorable!!

thetailor: Hunk and I are childhood friends in case anyone was wondering

SunnyHunk: Yup! I’ve known Lance since middle school!

SunnyHunk: Then I met Pidge through an engineering program and I introduced her to Lance and they became friends

thetailor: wait so then, hunk, how do u know allura??

ThePrincess: Hunk and I met through Tumblr actually

ThePrincess: My uncle wanted to try a new recipe so I found one from Hunk’s cooking blog and recommended it to him

ThePrincess: It turned out great which was a miracle because, although I love my uncle dearly, frankly he can’t cook worth a damn

SunnyHunk: Yup! And so Allura messaged me saying thank you and I told her how happy I was someone liked my recipe and we just kinda kept talking

Pidgeotto: omg

Pidgeotto: That is such a pure way to meet someone

Shuturfuck: I actually agree

Shuturfuck: That’s kinda adorable

-SunnyHunk’s name has been changed to CinnamonRoll-

thetailor: There. Now the name fits our ray of sunshine perfectly!

CinnamonRoll: Why did I give u guys admin privileges

Pidgeotto: I have no clue man

CinnamonRoll: Well anyway, it’s getting kinda late where I am so I’m gonna hit the hay

CinnamonRoll: Night guys!

Pidgeotto: Bye Hunk!!

thetailor: later buddy

ThePrincess: Sleep well!

shiro: I’m actually gonna start my shift in a few minutes so I gtg too

thetailor: wait work starts for you now? what timezone are u in?

shiro: I’m in california so rn it’s like 10pm, but I’m a bartender so I work nights most of the time

shiro: But Keith you should be going to bed soon, you have work tomorrow right?

Shuturfuck: …

Shuturfuck: yeah

thetailor: daskdlfdf

thetailor: shiro i can already tell ur such a dad

thetailor: also heyyyyy california buddies!!

Shuturfuck: oh jesus don’t tell me you live in CA too

thetailor: yup! Born and raised right here in SoCal!

Pidgeotto: Wait so does everyone in the chat live in CA??

ThePrincess: I don’t!

ThePrincess: I live in London actually

thetailor: omg allura is british royalty

ThePrincess: lol I wish

ThePrincess: but anywho, I’m about to go do my morning run so I have to leave as well

ThePrincess: It was very nice meeting you all!

thetailor: oh it was very nice meeting you, princess ;)))))

ThePrincess: -_-

ThePrincess: no

Pidgeotto: i bet allura is shredded

ThePrincess: I am

ThePrincess: Lance ,,, watch your back

Pidgeotto: I want Allura to kick Lance’s ass

Shuturfuck: I would pay to watch that

thetailor: oh whatever

Pidgeotto: wait keith when did u get a job???

Shuturfuck: I’ve had one for like over a month now

Pidgeotto: Whoops guess I forgot

thetailor: well what is your job then

Pidgeotto: knowing keith he probably works at something really manly/tough guy

Pidgeotto: like an auto repair shop

Shuturfuck: I

Shuturufuck: I work at Starbucks

thetailor: jksaldfk

Shuturfuck: What?

Shuturfuck: What’s wrong with my job?

thetailor: I wasn’t expecting mr. edgelord64 to work at starbucks of all places

Pidgeotto: I wouldn’t talk shit if I were you Lance

Pidgeotto: You work at Lush

thetailor: and I get a discount on all the face masks

thetailor: plus I come home smelling like flowers every day

thetailor: so it’s totally worth it

-thetailor’s name has been changed to Smellslikeflowers-

Pidgeotto: lol nice keith

Smellslikeflowers: and this is an insult how?

Smellslikeflowers: I bet you smell like sweat

Shuturfuck: Actually I smell like coffee beans

Shuturfuck: Speaking of I have an early shift so I gotta head to bed

Shuturfuck: Night Pidge

Pidgeotto: Night Keith!

Smellslikeflowers: wow not gonna say goodnight to me

Shuturfuck: oh my god

Shuturfuck: fine

Shuturfuck: Good night Lance

Smellslikeflowers: nighty night snake boy~

Pidgeotto: and thus a rivalry was formed

Chapter Text

Pidgeotto: And then I pushed her down a well

Shuturfuck: holy fuck pidge

ThePrincess: There’s no way that’s true

ThePrincess: That has to be a lie

CinnamonRoll: I don’t doubt it man

CinnamonRoll: if there’s one thing I’ve learned since knowing Pidge

CinnamonRoll: it’s that they are NOT to be messed with

Pidgeotto: See?

Pidgeotto: Hunk knows what’s good for him

shiro: hey guys what’d I miss

ThePrincess: Pidge was just telling us about the time she attempted murder

shiro: ...pidge

shiro: I thought we talked about this

Pidgeotto: I know I know!

Pidgeotto: I was telling them the story about Karina

shiro: Ohhhh I remember that

-Pidgeotto’s name has been changed to dontfuckwith-

dontfuckwith: smart man keith

Smellslikeflowers: HEY GUYS I’VE HAD A GREAT DAY

CinnamonRoll: oh no

Smellslikeflowers: WANNA HEAR WHAT HAPPENED

Shuturfuck: do we have a choice?

Smellslikeflowers: Not really

Shuturfuck: goddammit

Smellslikeflowers: Okay so

Smellslikeflowers: I was at work after school today

dontfuckwith: at lush

Smellslikeflowers: yes at lush

Smellslikeflowers: and I was just going through my shift like normal

Smellslikeflowers: explaining the ingredients in our products and showing off bath bombs and stuff

Smellslikeflowers: when all the sudden

Smellslikeflowers: this absolute, drop-dead, GORGEOUS girl walks in

dontfuckwith: of course this story is about a girl

ThePrincess: What did she look like??

Shuturfuck: Allura why would u wanna know

ThePrincess: Keith I am very pansexual I want a proper mental picture of this

Smellslikeflowers: Oh man Allura, she was so pretty

Smellslikeflowers: Like she had that skin thing, vitiligo i think?? Like parts of her skin were dark but others were light and either way it looked super cool

Smellslikeflowers: then she had these huge eyes that looked almost like they were purple, and her hair was in like bleached dreads but her dark roots were coming in but that made it look even better??

Smellslikeflowers: like she was so unique and pretty and holy shit

ThePrincess: oh my

ThePrincess: I really need to start dating again

Smellslikeflowers: so anyway back to the story

Smellslikeflowers: so she walks into the store and i’m like holy shit and I decide to stroll on over there and ask if she needs any help

Smellslikeflowers: she told me her name was Nyma and she was looking for face masks which I know practically EVERYTHING about and so I spent like a whole fifteen minutes showing her all the different face masks and explaining what they did and stuff

Smellslikeflowers: obviously I was being my usual charming self and she was flirting right back

dontfuckwith: that sounds like an impossibility

shiro: pidge at least let him finish before you roast him

CinnamonRoll: HAHA

Smellslikeflowers: WOW THANKS A LOT

Smellslikeflowers: ANYWAY as I was saying

Smellslikeflowers: I ended up getting her number and she’s gonna meet me at the end of my shift tomorrow so we can go out and get dinner

shiro: congratulations lance!

shiro: I hope your date goes well

Smellslikeflowers: Thank you Shiro

Smellslikeflowers: At least SOMEONE here supports me

CinnamonRoll: It’s not that we don’t support you lance

CinnamonRoll: I’m glad you’re going out with someone

Smellslikeflowers: Thanks Hunk

dontfuckwith: tbh i’m just surprised lance found someone willing to go on a date with his scrawny ass

Smellslikeflowers: oh bite me you gremlin

dontfuckwith: is that a challenge mcclain??

CinnamonRoll: Lance don’t be stupid

CinnamonRoll: you and I both know Pidge has bitten people in the past that pissed them off

shiro: Unfortunately I have been on the receiving end of those attacks in the past

shiro: Trust me lance, her teeth are sharper than they look

ThePrincess: shiro what did you do to anger pidge

shiro: Well

shiro: One time when her parents and Matt had to go to some event I was babysitting Pidge

shiro: and when it got late I tried to take her tablet away from her because she wouldn’t go to bed

shiro: suffice to say

shiro: it didn’t work out

dontfuckwith: lol yeah

dontfuckwith: i used to get really protective over my tech

CinnamonRoll: You mean you still don’t??

dontfuckwith: fair point

Shuturfuck: I remember that night

Shuturfuck: you were actually bleeding and you wouldn’t tell me what happened

shiro: well I didn’t really want to tell my little brother that I had gotten viciously attacked by a 9 year old

dontfuckwith: do you still have the scar??

shiro: um

shiro: no

shiro: I don’t

dontfuckwith: oh shit

dontfuckwith: nvm

Smellslikeflowers: uh did something just happen??

Shuturfuck: nah

Shuturfuck: hey guys wanna hear something really crazy that happened to me at work today

dontfuckwith: oh this sounds like it’s gonna be good

ThePrincess: yes please do tell us what happened

Shuturfuck: Ok so I was working a morning shift today so it was pretty busy

Shuturfuck: Because of that the waits for the drinks were a little longer than usual

Shuturfuck: I make this one drink, it’s a fancy soy white chocolate mocha, pretty specific order right?

Smellslikeflowers: Yeah

CinnamonRoll: Seems like it

Shuturfuck: I finish the drink and call out the name, and someone comes up to grab it but before they can someone else behind them is like ‘oh excuse me that’s my drink’

Shuturfuck: person A looks at the rightful owner to the drink, then at me, then at the drink, then back at the owner before saying and I quote

Shuturfuck: “I’ve been waiting long enough, I’m taking this one. You can wait for the next one.”

CinnamonRoll: omg

ThePrincess: Did they not realize the drinks are custom made to order?

Shuturfuck: I don’t know how they couldn’t realize that

Shuturfuck: But wait it gets weirder

Shuturfuck: So then I tell the coffee thief ‘hey dude you can’t take that it’s not your order’

Shuturfuck: and he just kinda stares at me for a second, before he grabs the coffee and full out bolts for the door

Smellslikeflowers: WOW

CinnamonRoll: oh my god!

ThePrincess: he really ran?!

Shuturfuck: yup

CinnamonRoll: What did you do?

Shuturfuck: the original coffee owner and I just kinda looked at each other for a moment before I made him a new coffee

ThePrincess: working at starbucks sounds very interesting

Shuturfuck: oh it’s a nightmare

Smellslikeflowers: do you get those annoying white people with kids with ridiculous names like Rhoksanne and Creelynn??

Shuturfuck: not as often as you’d think but yes we do

Shuturfuck: one time a group of 14 year olds came in and they were all named shit like Jairyd and Mahrie and they got so offended when I spelled their names wrong

dontfuckwith: ew 14 year olds

shiro: pidge you’re 14

dontfuckwith: doesn’t mean I can’t hate my own kind

Shuturfuck: I feel that pidge

ThePrincess: Wait Pidge you're 14??

dontfuckwith: Yup

ThePrincess: Holy shit I thought you were somewhere around my age

Smellslikeflowers: how old are you Allura??

ThePrincess: I'm 21

Smellslikeflowers: O.O

CinnamonRoll: I didn't know that, that's cool!

ThePrincess: Thanks

ThePrincess: Are you all younger than me?

Shuturfuck: shiro’s not

shiro: I’m 22

CinnamonRoll: Oh wow we have adults in this chat

Shuturfuck: I wouldn't call Shiro an adult

shiro: No don't consider me an adult I still don't know how to be an adult

Smellslikeflowers: But ur such a dad though

Shuturfuck: okay so I agree that you don’t know how to be an adult shiro

Shuturfuck: but your adult skills were not what I was referring to

shiro: ???

Shuturfuck: Shiro’s a lot younger then you all think

shiro: keith don’t you dare

ThePrincess: I’m very confused as to where this is going

Shuturfuck: Shiro’s birthday is on Feb 29th

Shuturfuck: he’s only 6 years old

Smellslikeflowers: OMG

dontfuckwith: I FORGOT HAHAHA

ThePrincess: this is wonderful

shiro: I’m disowning you as my brother

-shiro’s name has been changed to 6yearsold-

6yearsold: I hate you all

ThePrincess: So are the rest of you all under 18?

Smellslikeflowers: I mean I'm 17

Smellslikeflowers: So I'm close

Shuturfuck: I'm also 17

CinnamonRoll: I just recently turned 18

ThePrincess: You’re all so young…

ThePrincess: I feel so old now

CinnamonRoll: rip Allura

dontfuckwith: so we have two 17 year olds, an 18 year old, a 21 year old, a 14 year old, and a 6 year old

dontfuckwith: this should be a goddamn sitcom

6yearsold: Thank the lord I have to go to my shift

CinnamonRoll: Have a good time!

6yearsold: Thank you, Hunk

6yearsold: Keith

6yearsold: You will pay for this

Smellslikeflowers: Keith’s gonna get fucking assassinated by his own brother

Shuturfuck: I can take him

6yearsold: I have 17 years worth of blackmail on you

Shuturfuck: fuck

6yearsold: Watch your back little bro

Smellslikeflowers: dark shiro, give us the embarrassing keith photos

Shuturfuck: why don’t u shut ur face flower boy

Smellslikeflowers: fine snake boy

CinnamonRoll: oh no not again

Shuturfuck: besides you don’t even know what I look like now

Smellslikeflowers: I know true cringe when I see it

ThePrincess: Well it looks like it’s time for me to go

dontfuckwith: same these guys are like 12 year olds

CinnamonRoll: Lance open your door we’re going to In N Out remember

Smellslikeflowers: oh shit yeah!!

Smellslikeflowers: Hasta la later, Keith!

dontfuckwith: keith let’s play overwatch

Shuturfuck: Sounds good to me

Chapter Text

Smellslikeflowers: GUYS I FUCKED UP

Smellslikeflowers: I FUCKED UP REALLY BADLY

ThePrincess: What happened??

Smellslikeflowers: Well

Smellslikeflowers: A lot of stuff did

Smellslikeflowers: which led to me currently being handcuffed to a table

dontfuckwith: Lance how many times have we told you we don't wanna hear about your sex life

CinnamonRoll: lakjdslsfdfkl

Smellslikeflowers: No guys this isn’t about my sex life!!!

Smellslikeflowers: This is serious!!!

6yearsold: Lance, tell us what happened

Smellslikeflowers: Thank you for taking this seriously Shiro

Smellslikeflowers: So remember how I was going on my date with Nyma today??

Shuturfuck: Yeah because u wouldn’t shut up about it

Smellslikeflowers: WELL SHE FUCKING ROBBED ME

dontfuckwith: HAHAHAHA

ThePrincess: Oh my god!

CinnamonRoll: Dude are you okay?!

Smellslikeflowers: I’m fine now I’m just waiting for the police to get here to let me out of these damn handcuffs

CinnamonRoll: Do u want me to drive over to get you?

Smellslikeflowers: Thanks Hunk but the police are probably gonna wanna question me a bit so I think I should just chill here

CinnamonRoll: Okay then, just let me know when you’re on your way back

Smellslikeflowers: Thanks buddy <3

CinnamonRoll: <3

6yearsold: Wait how did she rob you? Tell us exactly what happened during the date

Smellslikeflowers: You wanna know?

Smellslikeflowers: Alrighty then

Smellslikeflowers: So I was closing up the store for the night when Nyma showed up like we had planned

Smellslikeflowers: And I told her ‘one sec lemme just finish putting everything away’

Smellslikeflowers: She was like ‘oh that’s fine, do you mind if I look around while you’re doing that?’

Smellslikeflowers: Me, being the gentleman I am was like ‘oh yeah no prob’

Shuturfuck: Oh my god Lance

Shuturfuck: Has anyone told you you’re kind of a dumbass??

Smellslikeflowers: Many times Keith, now shut up so I can continue

Smellslikeflowers: So then when I was bending down by one of the tables to pick up something that had fallen onto the floor

Smellslikeflowers: Suddenly she grabs my arms and guys she was really fucking strong

Smellslikeflowers: Next thing I know there’s one handcuff around my wrist and the other around the leg of the table

Smellslikeflowers: I look at her and go ‘what the fuck?’ and she fucking GIGGLES and is like ‘sorry Lance, you’re sweet and all but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do’

Smellslikeflowers: Then she proceeded to stuff her bag with almost all the products that could fit

Smellslikeflowers: I mean she didn’t steal the giant blocks of soap because obviously those wouldn’t fit

Smellslikeflowers: But she took the bath bombs, the bath melts, the shower jellies, the massage bars, the lip scrub

dontfuckwith: I think we get the picture

Smellslikeflowers: She even took the face masks!!!

Smellslikeflowers: Oh and she also took all the money in the register

Smellslikeflowers: And then once she left I managed to grab my bag with my foot and get my phone and called 911

Smellslikeflowers: and now I’m texting you guys

ThePrincess: Holy shit Lance

6yearsold: Well we’re all glad you’re okay and that she didn’t hurt you

CinnamonRoll: ^^

Smellslikeflowers: Thanks but I’m totally gonna get fired aren’t I?

dontfuckwith: probably

Smellslikeflowers: dammit

ThePrincess: Well actually you might not

ThePrincess: There’s no way you could’ve known she was going to handcuff you and rob you

6yearsold: Allura is right, Lance

6yearsold: Nyma incapacitated you, there was nothing you could’ve done

Smellslikeflowers: So you think there’s a chance I won’t lose my job??

6yearsold: I mean it depends on your boss but I’m sure they’ll understand

Smellslikeflowers: God I hope so

Smellslikeflowers: I really need this job

Shuturfuck: Look Lance I’m sure it’ll be fine

dontfuckwith: yeah I doubt ur boss would blame u for this

Smellslikeflowers: I hope so

Smellslikeflowers: Does this count as the worst first date in history?

ThePrincess: I’ve had worse first dates then that

Shuturfuck: Wait what

dontfuckwith: now this i gotta hear

ThePrincess: So this was about two years ago

ThePrincess: I hadn’t dated in a while, and decided to go on Tinder and got matched with this cute girl

ThePrincess: We chatted for a few days and eventually she ended up asking if I wanted to go to this outdoor festival with her

ThePrincess: I said yeah and she picked me up the next day

ThePrincess: Now we drove for like a full hour and by this time we were out of the city and into the country

ThePrincess: I was getting kinda paranoid but I figured it was an outdoor music festival and so it was normal to be that far out into the country

ThePrincess: Finally she stops near this abandoned church and already I’m thinking this is weird as hell because I don’t hear any music or anything

CinnamonRoll: this is intense

ThePrincess: So I get out of the car and follow her inside, making sure I have my pocket knife handy

ThePrincess: and when she opens the door there’s like 12 people in dark robes waiting for us

Shuturfuck: holy fuck

ThePrincess: Turns out she not only was part of some pagan cult

ThePrincess: But also had a boyfriend with a taste for voyeurism

Shuturfuck: What the actual fuck

dontfuckwith: holy shit!

6yearsold: jesus

Smellslikeflowers: What did you do???

ThePrincess: Well the cult members were expecting me and her to have a grand ol’ fuck in front of them while they jacked off or something

ThePrincess: Naturally I was like ‘no way in hell’ and demanded she take me home

CinnamonRoll: Oh my god! Please tell me you were okay!

ThePrincess: I was fine lol

ThePrincess: When I got super upset and started freaking out and threatening to call the cops she started apologizing and drove me home

CinnamonRoll: Oh thank god

6yearsold: now that’s one hell of a first date story

Smellslikeflowers: Okay, I no longer feel so bad about what happened to me

dontfuckwith: normally i’d call bullshit but i doubt allura would make something that crazy up

ThePrincess: Thank you pidge

Shuturfuck: So Allura almost had sex in front of a cult meeting

Shuturfuck: I still don’t know why I’m in this group chat

Smellslikeflowers: Oh shut up you know you love it

dontfuckwith: yeah keith stop being edgy for once and admit ur glad i put u in here

CinnamonRoll: Yeah c’mon Keith! We’re all your friends!

Shuturfuck: …

Shuturfuck: fine

Shuturfuck: I’m glad I’m in this ridiculous chat

6yearsold: holy shit I wasn’t expecting him to admit it

Shuturfuck: oh be quiet you prick

6yearsold: ;) love u little bro

CinnamonRoll: Awwww

Shuturfuck: shut up

Shuturfuck: moving on

Shuturfuck: So Allura

Shuturfuck: when you were driving back with cult girl, did you guys like talk about anything? Or was it just awkwardly silent

ThePrincess: It was pretty quiet at first

ThePrincess: But when we were about halfway home she suddenly started explaining that she ‘chose’ me was because I have dark skin and white hair so they thought I would bring them good energy or some shit

CinnamonRoll: You have white hair??

ThePrincess: It takes a hell of alot of hair dye let me tell you

ThePrincess: [image.jpg]

dontfuckwith: HOLY FUCK IM GAY

Smellslikeflowers: HOLY FUCK IM BI

CinnamonRoll: You’re so??? Oh my god?? You’re like a literal goddess???

ThePrincess: Aww you’re all so sweet thank you!

CinnamonRoll: Isn’t she super pretty, Keith???

Shuturfuck: Probably??

Shuturfuck: I mean I’m just gay

dontfuckwith: rest in fucking pieces keith

Smellslikeflowers: oh the police are here

Smellslikeflowers: gtg see ya later ma dudes

CinnamonRoll: Have fun!!

CinnamonRoll: I’ll bring you cookies later!!!

Shuturfuck: I forgot Lance was handcuffed to a table this whole time

ThePrincess: Same

dontfuckwith: so back to Allura

dontfuckwith: Allura you confirmed that you were shredded

dontfuckwith: just how buff are you??

ThePrincess: I could probably kick this entire group chat’s collective asses

Shuturfuck: I bet I could take you

ThePrincess: Oh really?

dontfuckwith: I’ll sell tickets for the show

CinnamonRoll: I’ll bring snacks

dontfuckwith: do u think u could kick shiro’s ass??

dontfuckwith: he was in the military

Shuturfuck: Oh she probably could

6yearsold: I have no doubt Allura would hand my ass to me on a silver platter

ThePrincess: Shiro you’re a smart man

-ThePrincess’s name has been changed to PlsSnapMeInHalf-

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Should I be flattered or offended??

dontfuckwith: definitely flattered

CinnamonRoll: I bet Allura has a six pack

PlsSnapMeInHalf: I do

dontfuckwith: I want allura to smash a barrel over my head, killing me instantly

6yearsold: Same

Smellslikeflowers: Guys real quick the police wanna see the texts I sent to Nyma so don’t say anything weird

Shuturfuck: I don’t think that’s possible with this group

CinnamonRoll: True that

dontfuckwith: alright lance we won’t say anything about the weed

Shuturfuck: OH MY GOD

CinnamonRoll: jkladskf

6yearsold: C’mon Pidge

6yearsold: You’re forgetting we were also talking about that meth lab we started

CinnamonRoll: SHIRO

Dontfuckwith: HAHAHAHAHAHA

Shuturfuck: oh my fucking god

Smellslikeflowers: I HATE YOU ALL

Smellslikeflowers: I COULD’VE GOTTEN ARRESTED YOU DOUCHECAKES

dontfuckwith: sucks for you pretty boy

Smellslikeflowers: well at least I’m pretty

Smellslikeflowers: Shiro of all people I thought you would support me in this great time of need!!!

6yearsold: Sorry Lance but it was just too good of an opportunity to pass up

Shuturfuck: Next time don’t tell us if we need to censor ourselves because you know we’ll just do the opposite

Smellslikeflowers: Fair point

PlsSnapMeInHalf: So are you no longer being interrogated??

Smellslikeflowers: Nah the police released me

Smellslikeflowers: They took off the handcuffs and then they asked me what happened and asked for a description of Nyma and my texts with her and now they’re gonna see if they can track her down

6yearsold: Hopefully they find her soon

Smellslikeflowers: And hopefully my boss doesn’t fire my ass

Smellslikeflowers: Anyways guys I’m heading home and as an upstanding citizen I don’t text and drive so I’ll catch ya later

CinnamonRoll: Bye Lance! Drive safe!

dontfuckwith: don’t drive off a bridge

Shuturfuck: or go into a river

Smellslikeflowers: geez thanks for the encouragement guys

Smellslikeflowers: laters

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Well I need to get ready to hit the gym, it was nice talking with you!

CinnamonRoll: Bye Allura!!

CinnamonRoll: I gotta bake cookies for Lance now

dontfuckwith: bring me some!!!!

CinnamonRoll: I’ll bring you some tomorrow

dontfuckwith: YAY!

CinnamonRoll: Cookies for everyone!!

Shuturfuck: Hunk you’re so pure

CinnamonRoll: I know :)

Chapter Text

GotRobbed: Alright who the hell changed my username

Shuturfuck: Whoops

GotRobbed: Dammit Keith

CinnamonRoll: So how's everyone's day’s going??

GotRobbed: I'm in class

GotRobbed: And so are you

CinnamonRoll: Nope!

GotRobbed: Wait what

CinnamonRoll: I got let out of class because I'm doing that engineering project w/ Pidge

dontfuckwith: Yup he is

PlsSnapMeInHalf: What kind of project are you working on?

CinnamonRoll: Hi Allura!

CinnamonRoll: Well we technically need to be building a motorboat for this competition thing our school is entering but Pidge and I finished that like 3 weeks ago

dontfuckwith: Yeah it was pretty easy, so since we have extra time we decided to try and build a really cool robot

Shuturfuck: What

dontfuckwith: [image.jpg]

6yearsold: Whoah that's awesome guys!

dontfuckwith: thanks dad

CinnamonRoll: Yeah thank you!!

Shuturfuck: Are those… lions?

CinnamonRoll: Sure are! The whole thing is made of five smaller robot lions!

Shuturfuck: Why?

dontfuckwith: Because why the frickity fuck not Keith

dontfuckwith: Lions are cool

Shuturfuck: ...okay then

GotRobbed: So I'm stuck here in class learning Spanish I already know, and you two are out there fucking around making a lion transformer?

dontfuckwith: Yup, it's fun to be smart

GotRobbed: Oh screw off

CinnamonRoll: Why don't you come join us??

GotRobbed: *GSAP*

GotRobbed: Hunk!!!

GotRobbed: Are you trying to get me to ditch???

GotRobbed: DAD!! HUNK’S BEING A BAD INFLUENCE

6yearsold: Uhh

6yearsold: Am I dad?

GotRobbed: Yes

dontfuckwith: Yup

CinnamonRoll: Pretty much

-6yearsold’s name has been changed to ChatDad-

CinnamonRoll: So Lance are you coming to chill with me and Pidge or what?

ChatDad: Lance, are you ditching class?

GotRobbed: Hunk wants me to

ChatDad: Hunk

CinnamonRoll: Shiro you don't get it, Lance is in Spanish class right now and he doesn't need to be

ChatDad: Why wouldn't he need to be in class?

CinnamonRoll: Because he already knows Spanish! He just pretended he didn't so he could take Spanish 1 and get an A

GotRobbed: HUNK!!

GotRobbed: I didn't pretend not to know Spanish! I was just really really tired when they tested us on how much Spanish we knew so it turned into some weird mish mash of

spanglish

GotRobbed: Also my handwriting is shit so I'm pretty sure they assumed I was bullshitting all my knowledge of Spanish and put me in the beginners class

Shuturfuck: why am I not surprised

ChatDad: Well Lance why didn't you ask to be transferred to a higher level class?

GotRobbed: Well

GotRobbed: Uh

GotRobbed: I didn't think of it?

dontfuckwith: Lance I just told our engineering teacher that we need to pull u out of class because we need ur help with our boat

dontfuckwith: So ur gonna get pulled out of class in like ten seconds

GotRobbed: Hell yeah

Shuturfuck: What did you even tell your teacher you needed his help for?

dontfuckwith: Lance is on the swimming team so I told them we needed a swimmer’s opinion to help figure out how to design the hull so the boat sliced through the water as efficiently as possible

Shuturfuck: Lance is on the swimming team?

GotRobbed: Sure am!

Shuturfuck: Huh, that's cool

dontfuckwith: Hurry up and get down here

dontfuckwith: [image.jpg]

dontfuckwith: Ur missing out on the fun

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Pidge, Hunk, is that the two of you?

CinnamonRoll: Yeah! I'm on the left and Pidge is on the right

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Oh my god! You're both so adorable!!!

CinnamonRoll: Aww thanks Allura!

ChatDad: Why are you two wearing glasses that say ‘ASS’ on the lenses?

dontfuckwith: Because they're cool

dontfuckwith: Oh look Lance finally showed up

GotRobbed: Yup now I'm with Hunk and Pidge

CinnamonRoll: If only we could have everyone in the chat here, that would be so much fun!!

PlsSnapMeInHalf: It would!

GotRobbed: Pidge, Hunk, build a plane to bring Allura here

Shuturfuck: Or she could just get a plane ticket

GotRobbed: But that costs money!

Shuturfuck: I think it costs more to build a plane

GotRobbed: Source?

dontfuckwith: Keith’s right

GotRobbed: Dammit

dontfuckwith: Building a plane would be fun tho

dontfuckwith: Wait

dontfuckwith: What if we built a spaceship?!

CinnamonRoll: A spaceship that's like a giant castle

dontfuckwith: Hell yeah!!!

Shuturfuck: Why would we even go to space?

dontfuckwith: we could find the aliens keith

Shuturfuck: oh

Shuturfuck: oh

Shuturfuck: I'm in

GotRobbed: Don't tell me you're a conspiracy theorist like Pidge

dontfuckwith: it’s not a conspiracy theory if it's true

GotRobbed: Like how Bigfoot’s ‘real’?

Shuturfuck: he’s out there lance

GotRobbed: Oh my god

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Oh hi everyone! It is I the beautiful Princess Allura!

PlsSnapMeInHalf: My hair is so long and pretty and I wear high heels everywhere!!

CinnamonRoll: ???

PlsSnapMeInHalf: And I have the best uncle who cooks amazing dishes and is a very gorgeous man with a wonderful mustache that makes everyone gasp in awe!

ChatDad: Allura?

dontfuckwith: I'm pretty sure this isn't Allura

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Correct!

PlsSnapMeInHalf: I'm actually Allura’s uncle!

CinnamonRoll: Hi Allura’s uncle!! I'm Hunk!

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Nice to meet you Hunk! I'm Coran!

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Allura left her phone while she went into another room and it was buzzing a lot so I picked it up

PlsSnapMeInHalf: And now I'm talking to you all!

ChatDad: Well it's nice to meet you, Coran. I'm Shiro

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Hello Shiro!!

dontfuckwith: Heyo I'm Pidge

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Hiya!

PlsSnapMeInHalf: You know, this reminds me of the time I went to a black market swap meet and bargained with pirates!!!

Shuturfuck: Pirates?

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Correct!

PlsSnapMeInHalf: This was down in the wild outback of Australia, and I was visiting with Allura’s father and decided to try and bargain for some wonderful curios!

PlsSnapMeInHalf: In the end, I got stretch pants for a goose, something called the muskrat miraculous, and a human skull!

dontfuckwith: A HUMAN SKULL?!?!?

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Oh don't worry, it wasn't a real one

GotRobbed: Why did you buy stretch pants for a goose?

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Well why did you get robbed?

GotRobbed: ...touché

dontfuckwith: jdnidndkss

CinnamonRoll: Lance just got roasted lol

Shuturfuck: But how did this remind you of that swap meet?

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Because I met so many interesting people!!!

ChatDad: You seem like you have a lot of interesting stories, Coran

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Ah yes, I don’t like to brag but I'd say I've led a very fascinating life so far!

PlsSnapMeInHalf: I've traversed ruins in Egypt, accidentally adopted three kids, been convicted of murder for seven men (wrongfully so I might add), and have even been the sacrifice for several cult rituals!

GotRobbed: What the fuck

dontfuckwith: holy shit Coran u sound AWESOME

Shuturfuck: Uhhh how did you accidentally adopt three kids?

ChatDad: How did you get convinced of murder for seven men

CinnamonRoll: Do we want to know how you ended up as the sacrifice for a cult ritual?

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Take it easy! One question at a time! I'll start with the adopted three kids one because that's an easy one to explain

PlsSnapMeInHalf: So it all started back when I was backpacking through the Asian forestJDNFJDNSKJDWNWLALA

ChatDad: Uhhhh

ChatDad: Coran are you alright?

GotRobbed: did Coran just have a seizure

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Sorry about that everyone, that was my uncle

PlsSnapMeInHalf: He can be… eccentric sometimes

CinnamonRoll: Hi again Allura!!!

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Hi Hunk

dontfuckwith: wait where’d Coran go

GotRobbed: Yeah! He was gonna tell us about the time he accidentally got 3 kids

PlsSnapMeInHalf: He's sitting next to me looking dejected that I took the phone away from him

CinnamonRoll: You should add him to the chat!!

dontfuckwith: Yeah!!!!!

PlsSnapMeInHalf: You guys really want me to add my uncle to our group chat?

Shuturfuck: He was pretty interesting

Shuturfuck: It's cool with me

ChatDad: I really liked Coran

ChatDad: Also I want to know how he got convicted of murder for 7 men

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Oh my

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Well

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Alright then!

GotRobbed: YESSSSSS

-PlsSnapMeInHalf has added GorgeousMan to the chat-

GorgeousMan: Hi again everyone

dontfuckwith: HI CORAN

GorgeousMan: Hi again Pidge

Shuturfuck: Glad you're back

GorgeousMan: Glad to be back Shuturfuck!

Shuturfuck: Oh yeah you only know my username

Shuturfuck: I'm Keith

GotRobbed: And I'm Lance

GorgeousMan: Fantastic names Keith and Lance!

GorgeousMan: Now, I believe I was telling you all my adoption story?

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Oh geez

ChatDad: Yes you were

ChatDad: You were backpacking in the Asian forest?

GorgeousMan: Ah yes

GorgeousMan: So, it all started when I was in my late twenties, backpacking through the forest

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Here we go…

Chapter Text

GorgeousMan: So I’m sitting there, tied to a chair

GorgeousMan: Covered in pig’s blood

GorgeousMan: Trying to seduce the man in front of me so he’ll let me go

GorgeousMan: All while holding an emerald in between my teeth

GotRobbed: [image.jpg]

dontfuckwith: LANCE WHAT THE FUCK

CinnamonRoll: AAAHHH MY ASEXUAL EYES

GotRobbed: HOLY FUCK WRONG CHAT WRONG CHAT

GotRobbed: FUCK FUCK FUCK

GotRobbed: SOMEONE DELETE IT I DONT HAVE THE PRIVILEGESS

dontfuckwith: I got this

dontfuckwith: ok it’s gone

GotRobbed: Thank god

GotRobbed: Guys I am so sorry holy shit

Shuturfuck: Well

Shuturfuck: A dick pic from Lance wasn’t on my list of things I expected to see today

Shuturfuck: Especially since I still haven’t even seen his face

Shuturfuck: But here we are

ChatDad: Lance, who was that intended for?

GotRobbed: I

GotRobbed: I’d rather not give details

GotRobbed: Just someone I was messaging

GotRobbed: Everyone, I am so sorry I swear to god I didn’t intend for that to send to you guys

CinnamonRoll: It’s okay dude it was a mistake

PlsSnapMeInHalf: I mean

PlsSnapMeInHalf: It was kinda small

PlsSnapMeInHalf: So it’s not like it was anything major

dontfuckwith: LKDJALDKLSFJ

Shuturfuck: get wrecked lance

GotRobbed: RUDE

GorgeousMan: She has a point

ChatDad: double wrecked

-GotRobbed’s name has been changed to Tinydick-

Tinydick: wow very funny

Tinydick: who did this

PlsSnapMeInHalf: I was just telling the truth Lance

dontfuckwith: allura have i told u i love u

PlsSnapMeInHalf: <3

Shuturfuck: You’ve done the lord’s work Allura

GorgeousMan: Why were you sending a ‘dick pic’ anyway, Lance?

Tinydick: reasons

dontfuckwith: lance is a fuckboy

Tinydick: Am not!!!

CinnamonRoll: You kinda are dude

CinnamonRoll: Like I still love you

CinnamonRoll: But it’s true

Tinydick: Oh screw off

Shuturfuck: Lance I’ve known you for like a month and I know ur a fuckboy

ChatDad: Well I think the determining of a fuckboy depends on if the person receiving the dick pic consented to it

dontfuckwith: i did not consent for my innocent 14 year old eyes to see lance mcclain’s dick today

Tinydick: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT

Shuturfuck: Pidge your eyes haven’t been innocent since you were like 10

ChatDad: Pidge tried to hack pornhub when she was 11

PlsSnapMeInHalf: YOU DID?!

Tinydick: OH MY GOD

CinnamonRoll: WHY

ChatDad: She didn’t know what it was and wanted to see why it had so much web traffic

ChatDad: And wanted a membership even though she had no idea what porn was

ChatDad: Because she, and I quote, thought it ‘sounded like something the cool kids had’

Tinydick: klasdjf;adskfjds;

dontfuckwith: SHIRO WHAT THE FUCK WE AGREED NOT TO TALK ABOUT THAT

ChatDad: sorry pidgey

dontfuckwith: nicknames won’t save u now takashi shirogane

dontfuckwith: only the power of god will

ChatDad: I’ve made a mistake

Tinydick: Did pidge just full name shiro???

CinnamonRoll: Shiro’s going to die

PlsSnapMeInHalf: May he rest in peace

ChatDad: PIDGE WHY IS MY COMPUTER DOING STUFF ON ITS OWN

ChatDad: MY PHOTOS ARE BEING LOADED UP

ChatDad: I CAN’T DO ANYTHING

ChatDad: OH GOD THEY’RE BEING EXPORTED

dontfuckwith: [image.jpg]

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Is that supposed to be Shiro… in a wedding dress?

GorgeousMan: What a lovely dress!

ChatDad: WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT I DELETED THAT FROM MY COMPUTER

Shuturfuck: WHY THE FUCK HAVEN’T I SEEN THESE

dontfuckwith: [image.jpg]

ChatDad: YOU STOP THAT

CinnamonRoll: SHIRO IS THAT YOU DANCING ON A STRIPPER POLE

ChatDad: I WAS DRUNK OKAY?!

PlsSnapMeInHalf: This is the best thing I have ever seen

Shuturfuck: WHEN THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN AND HOW COME I DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT IT

ChatDad: I WAS PARTYING WITH MATT IT’S NOT MY FAULT

GorgeousMan: It looks like you were having a rip roaring good time!

Shuturfuck: I am saving all of these

ChatDad: NO YOU ARE NOT

Tinydick: My eyes have been blessed

dontfuckwith: oh my god I just found a photo album from the party night I never knew existed

ChatDad: Wait I see the one she means on my computer screen

ChatDad: oh

ChatDad: oh no

ChatDad: Katie

ChatDad: Don’t send any photos from that

ChatDad: I swear to god don’t look in that

ChatDad: this was kinda funny at first but stop I’m serious

dontfuckwith: hmm well I thought we agreed not to talk about my pornhub experience

dontfuckwith: but that didn’t work out

Tinydick: wait who the fuck is katie

Shuturfuck: you dumbass that’s pidge’s real name

Tinydick: YOU MEAN YOUR REAL NAME ISN’T PIDGE?!?!

CinnamonRoll: dude

GorgeousMan: I’m new to the chat and even I figured that out!

dontfuckwith: uh

dontfuckwith: ok im done looking through other peoples folders

dontfuckwith: shiro please pm me we need to talk

ChatDad: Fine.

Tinydick: holy fuck

Tinydick: I wonder what she saw

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Same

Tinydick: Wait why did Shiro’s arm look like metal??

Tinydick: I mean it might’ve just been the club lighting

Tinydick: But idk

Shuturfuck: It’s a prosthetic arm

Tinydick: oh

Tinydick: shit

Tinydick: I’m sorry

Shuturfuck: It’s alright you didn’t know

Shuturfuck: and since you’re probably going to ask anyway yes he lost his arm during his time in the military

Shuturfuck: And that’s all I’m gonna say about that since shiro’s not here to talk about it himself

CinnamonRoll: perfectly understandable

GorgeousMan: Well

GorgeousMan: Do you guys want to hear the rest of my story?

CinnamonRoll: YES

GorgeousMan: So where was I?

PlsSnapMeInHalf: You were trying to seduce the guard so he’d untie you

GorgeousMan: Ah yes! I remember!

GorgeousMan: So when you’re seducing, remember, eye contact is key

~

Direct Message

-Pidgeotto to shiro-

Pidgeotto: okay shiro

Pidgeotto: first off I wanna apologize

Pidgeotto: I know I took that way too far and should have stopped when you asked

shiro: yes you should have

Pidgeotto: i won’t do that again

Pidgeotto: but

Pidgeotto: you need to explain those photos i saw

shiro: katie I honestly don’t need to explain anything to you

Pidgeotto: look shiro i respect your privacy, and so I don’t ask about certain things as we know

Pidgeotto: but when the subject involves u and my brother making out on a bar

Pidgeotto: i think i deserve a bit of background

shiro: …

shiro: fine

shiro: it didn’t mean anything

shiro: we were both just really drunk and it seemed like a good idea at the time

Pidgeotto: did you guys talk about it the next morning??

Pidgeotto: and why the fuck didn’t matt tell me about it

Pidgeotto: we tell each other everything

shiro: Yes we talked a bit the next morning

shiro: Neither of us remembered much

shiro: And we both agreed it must have been the alcohol messing with our heads

shiro: So we agreed to pretend it never happened and moved on

Pidgeotto: but why didn’t he tell me?

Pidgeotto: i tell him everything that happens to me

shiro: Pidge…

shiro: He didn’t want you getting the wrong idea about our relationship

Pidgeotto: matt told me he’d never keep secrets from me

Pidgeotto: he lied

shiro: Look Pidge I don’t know everything that goes on in Matt’s head

shiro: But I’m sure he had his reasons

Pidgeotto: …

Pidgeotto: are you sure it really meant nothing

Pidgeotto: for both of you?

shiro: I’m not gonna talk about this

shiro: My shift is starting soon

shiro: I have to go

Pidgeotto: fine then

Pidgeotto: Shiro I really am sorry

shiro: …

shiro: I know you are

shiro: It’s alright, I forgive you

Pidgeotto: you know ur like my second big brother, right?

shiro: Yeah I do

shiro: You’re like a younger sister to me

Pidgeotto: love you shiro

shiro: Love you too, Pidgey

Pidgeotto: Have a good shift!

shiro: I will :)

Chapter Text

Tinydick: So everyone we are gathered here today for a special occasion

Tinydick: To celebrate a day of celebration for our dear friend

Tinydick: Wait shit that doesn't make sense

Tinydick: To celebrate the day of our dear friend’s birth

Tinydick: There we go

Shuturfuck: Took you enough tries

Tinydick: SHUT UP KEITH IM TRYING TO GIVE A SPEECH

ChatDad: But aren't you with Pidge right now?

dontfuckwith: yes he is

dontfuckwith: he's reading this out loud as he types

Tinydick: Our dear, sweet, precious Pidgey

Tinydick: Is finally evolving into a Pidgeotto

dontfuckwith: beautiful. truly beautiful.

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Wait Pidge, it's your birthday?!?

dontfuckwith: ya

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Oh my god!!! Happy birthday!!!

PlsSnapMeInHalf: How old are you now???

CinnamonRoll: They’re 15 now!

GorgeousMan: That's wonderful! Congratulations Pidge!

dontfuckwith: aw thanks guys

Shuturfuck: sorry I couldn't come down there to visit, I've been busy with school and stuff

ChatDad: ^^ Same for me but with work

dontfuckwith: it's chill, I got two nerds with me who’ll do just fine

dontfuckwith: [image.jpg]

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Aww you all look so adorable!

GorgeousMan: Blimey! Is this you and Hunk and Lance?

dontfuckwith: sure is, i’m in the middle and hunk is on the right while lance is on the left

dontfuckwith: and that delicious cake in front of us was made courtesy of hunk

PlsSnapMeInHalf: It looks amazing

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Also Lance!!! It’s great to finally see your face! You’re so adorable!!

Tinydick: Aw thanks Princess ;)))))

PlsSnapMeInHalf: I take it back

Tinydick: :(

dontfuckwith: keith u wanna know what i want u to get for me for my bday

Shuturfuck: What?

dontfuckwith: cut ur fucking mullet and get a normal hairstyle for once

Shuturfuck: EXCUSE YOU

Tinydick: WAIT KEITH HAS A MULLET

Tinydick: HOW COME I DIDNT KNOW THIS TILL NOW

Shuturfuck: goddammit pidge

dontfuckwith: yup he does

dontfuckwith: like the damn texan he is

Shuturfuck: mullets aren’t even a texan thing wtf

dontfuckwith: u would know

CinnamonRoll: I thought you were from California, Keith???

Shuturfuck: I live in CA but Shiro and I lived in Texas for a few years when I was young

Tinydick: KEITH’S A TEXAN AND HAS A MULLET?!

Tinydick: THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

CinnamonRoll: Keith you should send a photo of yourself!!

Shuturfuck: No

ChatDad: Keith send one

Shuturfuck: No

ChatDad: If you don’t I will

ChatDad: And I have a lot of options

Tinydick: SEND US EMBARRASSING PHOTOS OF KEITH

Shuturfuck: NO

Shuturfuck: Fine

Tinydick: Make sure to get your mullet in it

Shuturfuck: [image.jpg]

dontfuckwith: of course ur flipping off the camera

CinnamonRoll: Nice hair dude!! Liking the man bun

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Aw Keith you’re adorable!!

GorgeousMan: Your hair is almost as glorious as my mustache!!!

dontfuckwith: i would use a lot of words to describe keith but adorable is not one of them

Shuturfuck: Then how would you describe me?

dontfuckwith: hmm… dark and stabby

Shuturfuck: I can live with that

ChatDad: Pfft dark and stabby yeah right

ChatDad: Keith weren’t you reading the warriors books yesterday?

Shuturfuck: SHUT UP THEY MAKE ME FEEL NOSTALGIC

dontfuckwith: lksajdfldjsjkdf

PlsSnapMeInHalf: I can’t believe Lance hasn’t commented on Keith’s selfie yet

CinnamonRoll: He’s in the bathroom right now he hasn’t seen the photo yet

CinnamonRoll: Oh wait here he comes

Pidge glanced up from her phone at the same time Hunk did, watching Lance as he approached the kitchen table where they were all dining on cake.

“LANCE, GET OVER HERE!” Pidge shouted, despite the fact that Lance was only a few feet away. Lance winced at her volume and frowned.

“Geez chill out, Pidge, I’m right here. What, is something wrong?” He asked, taking his time as he strolled over to his friends.

“Keith sent a selfie.” Hunk explained. Lance’s eyes widened and he rushed over, snatching his phone off the counter and frantically typing in his passcode so he could see the photo.

“Oh my god, I finally get to see that stupid emo’s dumb mullet with my own eyes-” Lance’s words were cut off when he opened the chat room and found the image he was looking for. He stared at his screen blankly for a moment, his eyes widening with each passing second, while Hunk and Pidge watched intently for his reaction.

“YOU NEVER TOLD ME HE WAS HOT!” Lance shouted at full volume, giving Pidge an accusing stare. Hunk snorted in laughter while Pidge just smirked.

“You think Keith’s hot?” Pidge asked, an impish glint in her eyes. Lance immediately realized his mistake and his cheeks turned bright red.

“What? Keith? Hot? No way! D-did I say hot? I meant, um, NOT! Yeah, Keith is totally NOT hot at all!” Lance knew his stuttering excuses were pathetic, and Pidge and Hunk just stared at him till he sighed in defeat, sitting down beside them.

“Okay, yes, he’s hot. There, I said it!” He said, throwing his hands up in the air. Pidge’s smirk widened and she went to reach for her phone, but Lance immediately realized her intent and grabbed her wrist before she could reach the device.

“DON’T YOU DARE TELL HIM YOU LITTLE GREMLIN!” Pidge just laughed and Lance’s frown deepened. “I’M SERIOUS! HE WON’T EVER LET IT GO!” She sighed and pulled Lance’s hand off of her, shaking her head back and forth with a smile.

“Don’t worry Lance, I won’t tell Keith you said that. I’m just gonna hold this over your head forever and ever until we die!” She said cheerfully.

“You’re the worst, Pidgeotto.” Lance hissed.

“Dude, you’re just now figuring this out about them?” Hunk questioned, glancing up from his own phone. “Also you guys should get back in the chat, everyone’s wondering where you went.” With one final glare at the still smirking Pidge, Lance looked back down at his phone and the two rejoined the conversation.

GorgeousMan: So then I said “is murder really that bad all things considered?”

Tinydick: What the actual fuck did we come back to

dontfuckwith: can’t leave this damn chat alone for five minutes without there being talk of murder

dontfuckwith: i mean not that i don’t approve of that topic

dontfuckwith: because i’m always down for murder

ChatDad: No no murdering anyone!

CinnamonRoll: ^^

PlsSnapMeInHalf: So Lance did Keith’s photograph give you a stroke?

Tinydick: Pfft no

Tinydick: He just looks really damn emo

Shuturfuck: Why does everyone call me an emo??

CinnamonRoll: Because that’s what you are

dontfuckwith: u goddamn mcr trash

Shuturfuck: Hey pidge I wouldn’t be talking you like them too

dontfuckwith: ya but i didn’t have five posters of them on my walls

PlsSnapMeInHalf: oh my god

Shuturfuck: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANNA FIGHT ME ON MCR

dontfuckwith: YEAH I FUCKING DO

dontfuckwith: I CAN KICK UR ASS ANY DAY

Shuturfuck: Oh yeah? I’d like to see you try

GorgeousMan: Keith, son, you’re playing with fire

Shuturfuck: FIRE IS MY ELEMENT

Tinydick: akdlfjdsdfjkd

ChatDad: Keith… as your older brother I have to tell you… that is the lamest fucking thing you’ve ever said

dontfuckwith: KEITH JUST GOT ROASTED BY SHIRO OOOOOO

dontfuckwith: wait talking about fighting keith gave me an idea

Tinydick: Can we drive to LA and kick his ass

dontfuckwith: absolutely

dontfuckwith: but that’s not what i meant

ChatDad: I’ll help

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Same

Shuturfuck: I can take all of you

PlsSnapMeInHalf: You wanna try me?

Tinydick: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

dontfuckwith: GUYS LET ME TALK

dontfuckwith: DOES EVERYONE HERE HAVE OVERWATCH

PlsSnapMeInHalf: I do!

ChatDad: Yup

Tinydick: Ur the one who made me get it

Shuturfuck: Obviously you know I do

CinnamonRoll: I love overwatch!

GorgeousMan: AH YES! MY FAVOURITE VIDEO GAME BESIDES DARK SOULS AND ANIMAL CROSSING NEW LEAF

dontfuckwith: OKAY GUYS ARE WE ALL AVAILABLE TO PLAY OVERWATCH RIGHT NOW

dontfuckwith: BECAUSE IT’S MY BIRTHDAY AND THIS IS WHAT I WANNA DO I WANT TO KICK ALL YOUR VIRTUAL ASSES

ChatDad: I don’t have work tonight so I can

PlsSnapMeInHalf: I was just going to binge gen 1 of Skins for the billionth time but this sounds fun!

Tinydick: we’re having a sleepover tonight obviously hunk and I can play

CinnamonRoll: Yup!

dontfuckwith: Keith? Coran?

GorgeousMan: I’m terribly sorry but I only have the wonderful game on my computer at home and I am with Allura at the moment

GorgeousMan: But I can shout at you all through her microphone!

Shuturfuck: I mean I was gonna play overwatch anyway so ya

dontfuckwith: FUCK YEAH!

dontfuckwith: we have a perfect team of six

dontfuckwith: okay you gay shits, give me all ur overwatch usernames we’re starting a voice channel in this bitch

Chapter Text

dontfuckwith: okay so that was a huge fucking failure

Tinydick: What the fuck Pidge why did you shut off my computer?!?

dontfuckwith: YOU KEPT TAKING JUNKRAT I WANTED TO PLAY JUNKRAT

ChatDad: Pidge you shouldn't have shut off his computer just because he was taking your character

dontfuckwith: ITS MY BIRTHDAY I CAN DO WHAT I WANT

dontfuckwith: anyway lance u also played as mei one time and that alone is deserving of death

Shuturfuck: Agreed

Tinydick: OKAY YOU GOTTA ADMIT THAT WAS FUNNY

PlsSnapMeInHalf: It kinda was lol

dontfuckwith: you don't even like playing as mei!!

Tinydick: But it was funny and as your unofficial older brother

Tinydick: It is my duty in Matt’s absence to fuck with you during video games

CinnamonRoll: He's got a point

dontfuckwith: …I guess so

Tinydick: HA

dontfuckwith: well anyway other than lance being a douchebag

dontfuckwith: I think our overwatch game was a success

dontfuckwith: Also

-Shuturfuck’s name has been changed to Reaper-

dontfuckwith: there u go u edgy emo fuck

Reaper: Really?

ChatDad: You do kind of only play as Reaper, Keith

Reaper: He’s got a lot of cool abilities!!!

Tinydick: Admit it, you just like how edgy he is

Reaper: Oh fuck off you D.Va main

Tinydick: D.Va is cool and I have no shame in playing as her

dontfuckwith: anyway back to the game

CinnamonRoll: Yeah!!! We kicked those guys butts!

Tinydick: ^^

Reaper: They weren't even that good

Reaper: What kind of username is ‘Zarkon’ anyway?

Tinydick: Yeah! Or ‘Haggar’, that's not even cool wtf

ChatDad: Actually I've played against those guys before

ChatDad: They're complete assholes

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Did I mention I actually knew them??

Tinydick: WHAT

Reaper: No you did not

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Oh well a long time ago I used to play with those guys online before Overwatch came out

PlsSnapMeInHalf: We all played black ops together

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Then they became grade A douchebags and betrayed me during a tournament, bringing my rank down

CinnamonRoll: Oh no!!! I'm sorry Allura!!

dontfuckwith: I'll kill them

dontfuckwith: I have their usernames I'll hack into their accounts and take away all their levels

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Pidge no that's not necessary!! It was just a video game!

PlsSnapMeInHalf: I just no longer talk to those people

dontfuckwith: fine but just say the word and they're ruined

ChatDad: Pidge don't go doing something that'll get you banned

dontfuckwith: You can only get banned if you get caught

GorgeousMan: That's my motto! You can never get charged for arson if you never get caught!

Tinydick: Coran wtf

Reaper: I've been charged for arson

ChatDad: oh jesus don't remind me

CinnamonRoll: KEITH?!

GorgeousMan: Shouldn't have gotten caught kiddo ;)

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Keith what did you do?!?!

dontfuckwith: WHY THE FUCK HAVENT I HEARD ABOUT THIS

Reaper: Well I had good reason

ChatDad: Here we go

Reaper: This was back when I was 15 and it was about six months after Shiro had been discharged from the military

Reaper: And he was still recovering and stuff

Reaper: And this one asshole decided to be a smartass and made a rude comment about him

Reaper: And I was going to beat the shit out of him but my friend held me back

Reaper: So later that night I set his car on fire

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Holy shit Keith

ChatDad: That caused a lot of legal headaches for me

ChatDad: Keith was grounded for months

Tinydick: I mean it sounds like he had a good reason

Reaper: Thank you Lance

dontfuckwith: I mean I've done similar illegal shit when people made fun of Matt

ChatDad: Yes you have and you and Keith combined have taken 10 years off our lives

ChatDad: And by ours I mean Matt and myself

GorgeousMan: Oh I know how that feels, Shiro

GorgeousMan: Allura used to get into so much trouble when she was a youngster!

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Coran don't you dare

CinnamonRoll: TELL US ABOUT ALLURA

GorgeousMan: Well she would always get into fights with the other girls at her boarding school

GorgeousMan: And I’d always have to talk with the Headmaster to get her out of trouble

CinnamonRoll: Omg Allura

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Yeahhhh I kinda did like to fight

ChatDad: Reminds me of Keith

ChatDad: Except he still gets into fights

Reaper: Oh whatever it’s always for good reason

ChatDad: You once challenged a guy because he was flirting with you and you didn’t realize it

Tinydick: alkdfjkls;fjdls;

Reaper: It’s not my fault I can’t tell when ppl are flirting with me!!

dontfuckwith: jesus keith i knew u were socially awkward but this is a new level

Reaper: Fuck off

Tinydick: Keith’s probably fought people who’ve insulted his mullet

Reaper: No one makes fun of my mullet

dontfuckwith: I do

Reaper: you don’t count ‘cause ur an asshole to everyone

dontfuckwith: i’m not an asshole to hunk

PlsSnapMeInHalf: I think it’s impossible to be an asshole to Hunk

GorgeousMan: Hunk is a wonderful human being!

Tinydick: Hunk is my favorite

ChatDad: He certainly is

Reaper: Agreed

CinnamonRoll: Awww guys

CinnamonRoll: I love all of you

Tinydick: <3

CinnamonRoll: <3

dontfuckwith: anyway back to keith’s mullet

Reaper: goddammit

Tinydick: Have u always had that mullet?

Reaper: Not when I was like

Reaper: Uh

Reaper: 12 I think?

Tinydick: omg

ChatDad: I’ve tried getting him to cut it

ChatDad: He refuses

CinnamonRoll: Guys lay off it’s just hair

Reaper: Thank you Hunk

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Ok but

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Is it long enough to put into a ponytail?

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Because ponytails can make any haircut attractive

Reaper: Yeah I put it in a ponytail whenever I go to the gym or i work on my bike

dontfuckwith: I demand a photo as proof

dontfuckwith: because I’ve never seen keith’s hair in a ponytail

CinnamonRoll: Yeah Keith send us a pic!!!

Reaper: Right now?

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Ya!

Reaper: Ugh fine one sec

dontfuckwith: gotta get that selfie lighting just right

Tinydick: actually that’s a very important part of selfie taking

Tinydick: Right lighting, right angle

Tinydick: It’s all very integral to taking a hot selfie

dontfuckwith: -_-

Reaper: [image.jpg]

Reaper: There, are you guys happy?

Tinydick: lksadfjldskfj

Reaper: Lance?

dontfuckwith: did he have a stroke

CinnamonRoll: I wouldn’t be surprised

Tinydick: Sorry I dropped my phone

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Holy shit Keith you look good in that photo

ChatDad: wow your room is surprisingly clean

Reaper: Oh stop parenting me Shiro

dontfuckwith: Is that black nail polish??

Reaper: Yes

Reaper: Is there a problem with that

dontfuckwith: no not at all

dontfuckwith: just surprised

CinnamonRoll: You look really good, Keith!!!

GorgeousMan: I agree! You are a fine young specimen of a teenage male!

Reaper: Thanks?

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Keith!!! You wear nail polish???

Reaper: Occasionally yeah

PlsSnapMeInHalf: We should skype and do our nails together sometime!!

Reaper: Uhh

PlsSnapMeInHalf: We could talk about boys and other stuff!!

dontfuckwith: damn i never expected to see allura say ‘let’s talk about boys and do our nails’

PlsSnapMeInHalf: I’m allowed to like girly things pidge

dontfuckwith: of course u are!!!

dontfuckwith: fuck that sounded douchey, i didnt mean it like that

dontfuckwith: i just didnt expect that from you lol

PlsSnapMeInHalf: It’s fine lol

~

Direct Message

-thetailor to SunnyHunk-

thetailor: HE’S REALLY HOT IN A PONYTAIL

SunnyHunk: He is

thetailor: AND HE’S WEARING NAIL POLISH

SunnyHunk: Yup

thetailor: FUCK ME

SunnyHunk: sorry bro i’m ace

thetailor: stop being a smartass

SunnyHunk: <3

SunnyHunk: wait you paint your nails too right?

thetailor: occasionally yeah

SunnyHunk: do you have them painted right now???

thetailor: Yeah I just painted them blue

SunnyHunk: Send a selfie in the chat!!!

thetailor: don’t have to tell me twice

~

PlsSnapMeInHalf: C’mon Keith!! We’d have so much fun!!!

Reaper: I don’t really do the whole ‘gossip about boys thing’

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Damn

Tinydick: [image.jpg]

Tinydick: Did I mention I paint my nails too???

~

Direct Message

-Shuturfuck to Pidgeotto-

Shuturfuck: PIDGE WTF HE’S KINDA HOT

Pidgeotto: goddammit

~

PlsSnapMeInHalf: LANCE LET’S SKYPE AND TALK ABOUT BOYS AND GIRLS WHILE PAINTING OUR NAILS

Tinydick: YES

PlsSnapMeInHalf: wait lance have you ever done your makeup?

Tinydick: yeah sometimes but not that often

PlsSnapMeInHalf: WE COULD DO MAKEUP TOGETHER

dontfuckwith: you two should just become beauty gurus already

Tinydick: PIDGE THAT’S A GREAT IDEA

PlsSnapMeInHalf: I FULLY AGREE WITH THIS

Reaper: shiro should join y’all

Tinydick: oh my god Keith said y’all

Tinydick: He’s a true texan

Reaper: fuck off

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Wait shiro does makeup??

Reaper: Eyeliner

Reaper: Every morning

Reaper: Every. Morning.

ChatDad: Oh shut up you know it looks good

ChatDad: [image.jpg]

dontfuckwith: Shiro’s eyeliner is so sharp I want it to stab me in the face and kill me

ChatDad: same

CinnamonRoll: Shiro’s eyeliner wings are so big I want them to help me fly away from all my problems

ChatDad: also same

PlsSnapMeInHalf: THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

PlsSnapMeInHalf: SHIRO LANCE LET’S ALL BE BEAUTY GURUS

Tinydick: I’m down

ChatDad: So am I

PlsSnapMeInHalf: NONE OF MY FRIENDS LIKE MAKEUP OR NAIL POLISH

PlsSnapMeInHalf: I guess that’s what I get for being pre-med

dontfuckwith: holy fuck allura ur pre-med??

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Yeah! I’m planning on becoming an orthopedic surgeon

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Though of course that could change to a different field of surgery sometime in the future

CinnamonRoll: That’s so cool Allura!!!

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Thank you!

GorgeousMan: She’s following in the footsteps of her father, who was a really well-renowned surgeon

ChatDad: Damn Allura that’s impressive

PlsSnapMeInHalf: Thank you guys!

-PlsSnapMeInHalf’s name has been changed to DrFuckMe-

DrFuckMe: Okay who did this

DrFuckMe: anyone going to confess??

Reaper: Idk who

DrFuckMe: -_-

DrFuckMe: This is either pidge or lance’s doing

ChatDad: It usually seems to be that way

DrFuckMe: But anyway

DrFuckMe: Shiro, Lance, (and maybe Keith if he wants to join)

DrFuckMe: We should skype while painting our nails sometime

Tinydick: That’d be fun

ChatDad: I can’t really paint my nails but I’d be down to do my eyeliner and chat with you guys

DrFuckMe: Yay!!!

DrFuckMe: anyway I have to go now I have class in an hour and need to take a shower

ChatDad: Bye Allura!

Tinydick: Bye!!!

DrFuckMe: Bye guys!!

dontfuckwith: welp i gtg too

dontfuckwith: i only have a limited time window to hack into this government agency

dontfuckwith: so its time to crank the hacking skillz TO THE MAX

CinnamonRoll: Pidge are you okay

dontfuckwith: am i ever ok

ChatDad: Please don’t get the FBI called to your house again

dontfuckwith: ill try my best

Tinydick: wait why is pidge hacking into a government agency

Reaper: We’re gonna find out about the secret aliens

Tinydick: God fucking dammit

GorgeousMan: I’ve met aliens before!

GorgeousMan: In fact, I myself am part alien

Tinydick: Normally I’d call bullshit

Tinydick: But this is Coran we’re talking about so I actually want to hear more

Reaper: CORAN

Reaper: TELL ME ABOUT THE ALIENS

GorgeousMan: Well, it all started when I got kidnapped for ransom

Chapter Text

ChatDad: Guys guys guys guess what

CinnamonRoll: What???

ChatDad: Well an old friend of mine who goes to college at cal poly SLO is gonna be coming down here for a couple days and is gonna stay with me and Keith!!

DrFuckMe: Shiro that’s awesome!!! I’m sure you two will have a fantastic time!

Tinydick: Nice dude! Getting to see old friends after a long time is the fucking best

CinnamonRoll: Agreed

dontfuckwith: old friend

dontfuckwith: goes to college at SLO

dontfuckwith: shiro r u talking about who i think ur talking about

ChatDad: Probably yes

dontfuckwith: okay then why THE FUCK is my brother going down to LA to visit you but won’t go the extra 100 miles to come see HIS OWN DAMN SIBLING

dontfuckwith: im gonna kick matt’s ass

CinnamonRoll: I’ll film it

ChatDad: Pidge u didn’t let me finish

ChatDad: After Matt spends a few days here in LA he’s gonna drive down to San Diego to see you

dontfuckwith: OH

dontfuckwith: well nvm im no longer pissed at him then

dontfuckwith: but im still gonna kick his ass

ChatDad: Good. He deserves it.

Reaper: Did Matt piss you off??

ChatDad: No

ChatDad: Matt just always deserves to get his ass kicked

Reaper: Fair point

GorgeousMan: Forgive me if I missed something, but what exactly is going on?

CinnamonRoll: Pidge’s brother, Matt, is coming down from his college up in Berkeley to see Shiro in LA, and then after is gonna come down to San Diego to see Pidge

GorgeousMan: Oh! How splendid!

CinnamonRoll: Pidge does this mean we get to meet your brother?

dontfuckwith: YUP

dontfuckwith: YOU AND LANCE GET TO MEET THE PERSON THAT MADE ME INTO THE ASSHOLE I AM TODAY

Reaper: Speaking of Lance where is he

CinnamonRoll: Keith noticed Lance wasn’t here ;)))))

Reaper: Wtf does that mean

CinnamonRoll: Nvm

CinnamonRoll: Lance is just getting off work right about now

Reaper: Why is he working so late? It’s like 11pm

CinnamonRoll: It was one of the only shifts available this weekend

DrFuckMe: I hope he’s not overworking himself

ChatDad: Yeah, Lance shouldn’t be trying to work too much

ChatDad: Balancing school and a job can be a tricky thing that can easily lead to stress overload

CinnamonRoll: I’m worried about that too but I think he’s doing fine

GorgeousMan: Lance is an intelligent young man! I’m sure he’s doing just dandy!

Reaper: Hopefully

CinnamonRoll: ;)))))

Reaper: Seriously what are you doing that for

DrFuckMe: Perhaps some things are better left unquestioned

dontfuckwith: wait i think i know how we can get him in the chat

dontfuckwith: *takes deep breath*

Reaper: Is that really necessary to type

dontfuckwith: stop being a little shitbitch queef and let me live my life

DrFuckMe: kldjflksdjfdskl

CinnamonRoll: I think shitbitch is the best one yet

dontfuckwith: ANYWAY

dontfuckwith: *takes extra deep breath just to piss keith off*

dontfuckwith: MARINA AND THE DIAMONDS IS A HORRIBLE EXAMPLE OF POP MUSIC AND NEEDS TO DIE

Tinydick: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY YOU LITTLE GREMLIN

Tinydick: I’LL DROP KICK YOU SO HARD YOU’LL GO FLYING INTO THE ORBIT OF FUCKING JUPITER

Tinydick: DOES EUROPA HAVE LIFE UNDER ITS SURFACE

Tinydick: WELL PIDGE IS ABOUT TO FIND OUT

dontfuckwith: got him

CinnamonRoll: Hi lance!!!

DrFuckMe: Hello Lance! We missed you!!!

Tinydick: Hi guys

Tinydick: I need to murder pidge

dontfuckwith: chill ur tits hulk jr i just wanted to get ur attention

Reaper: I thought that said Hunk jr for a second and was very confused

dontfuckwith: dkfldjskfdk

Tinydick: what’s up pidgeotto

DrFuckMe: Wait can we all just take a moment to appreciate Lance’s threats to Pidge

GorgeousMan: Ah yes, the perfect reference of well-known celestial bodies in relation to their current possibilities for life!

GorgeousMan: Fantastic job, Lance

Tinydick: Oh um

Tinydick: Thank you guys :)

dontfuckwith: OKAY LANCE

dontfuckwith: GUESS WHAT

Tinydick: ???

dontfuckwith: YOURE GONNA MEET MY BROTHER SOON

Tinydick: !!!!!!

Tinydick: WHEN

dontfuckwith: uhhh Shiro?

ChatDad: Matt said he’d come to LA in about a week so you'll probably get to see him in a week and a half

Tinydick: NICE

CinnamonRoll: We should bake him a pie!

Tinydick: HUNK THATS A GREAT IDEA

dontfuckwith: IM SO MCFREAKING EXCITED I HAVENT SEEN THAT DOUCHECAKE IN LIKE 6 MONTHS

DrFuckMe: I’m happy for you both, Pidge and Shiro!

DrFuckMe: Make sure to send pictures so Coran and I can see your brother!

dontfuckwith: oh i will

Reaper: Pidge is the expert of taking secret photos of people

Reaper: It’s rlly annoying

dontfuckwith: believe me it’s a necessary skill to have when matt is ur brother

ChatDad: Ah yes, I remember the days of the ugly photo competition

Reaper: Oh jesus I remember when we got dragged into that

ChatDad: That week was like the hunger games in our houses

Tinydick: WE NEED PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE OF THAT WEEK

Reaper: Pidge don’t you dare

dontfuckwith: dont tell me what to do keef

ChatDad: [image.jpg]

ChatDad: one of the many beautiful photographs taken during that legendary battle

CinnamonRoll: klsfdjklfkdsfkd

Reaper: TAKASHI WHAT THE FUCK

ChatDad: Oh there’s plenty more where that came from, Akira

dontfuckwith: oh shit he went there

Reaper: HOW DARE YOU

Tinydick: wait did we miss something

DrFuckMe: ???

Tinydick: who’s akira

Reaper: DONT TELL THEM

ChatDad: well my wonderful children

Reaper: I SWEAR TO GOD

ChatDad: As you all know

ChatDad: Everyone calls me Shiro even though my real first name is actually Takashi

CinnamonRoll: omg is this what I think it is

Reaper: YOU’RE A DEAD MAN

ChatDad: Keith is actually not his first name

ChatDad: Keith’s first name is Akira

Reaper: YOU FUCKER

DrFuckMe: Oh wow

GorgeousMan: PLOT TWIST!

CinnamonRoll: Akira’s actually not a bad name

Reaper: shiro i’m gonna light all your socks on fire

dontfuckwith: dude i already got arson wiped from your record once dont count on me to do it again

ChatDad: You called me Takashi so I called you Akira

ChatDad: Fair trade

dontfuckwith: equivalent exchange

CinnamonRoll: hope no one loses a limb

Tinydick: Well Keith if it makes you feel any better

Tinydick: I think Akira is a really cool name

Reaper: Oh

Reaper: Thank you Lance

Tinydick: :)

CinnamonRoll: Awww they’re getting along!

dontfuckwith: oh my this is so rare i need to screenshot this

Reaper: fight me gremlin

Tinydick: i’ll help

ChatDad: How about everyone in the chat just collectively works together to kick Pidge’s ass

dontfuckwith: SHIRO!!!

dontfuckwith: i thought you were my friend

ChatDad: I am

ChatDad: But a good friend knows when it's time to kick the other friends ass

DrFuckMe: That's some great life advice

Tinydick: Can I quote you on that

ChatDad: Yes

GorgeousMan: Allura I love you but I think it's time to kick your butt

DrFuckMe: CORAN NO

dontfuckwith: CORAN YES

CinnamonRoll: While I am under the belief that Allura can kick anyone’s ass

CinnamonRoll: If there was a fight between Coran and Allura

CinnamonRoll: I’d place my bets on Coran

GorgeousMan: HA

DrFuckMe: I’ve been betrayed

DrFuckMe: By Hunk of all people

Tinydick: I agree with Hunk

Reaper: Same

dontfuckwith: are u kidding??? allura could probably drop kick coran

ChatDad: I mean I know both Coran and Allura are very strong

ChatDad: But I still think Allura could kill a man with her bare hands

DrFuckMe: thank you

DrFuckMe: At least some ppl still believe in my ass kicking prowess

DrFuckMe: unlike some

dontfuckwith: okay so it’s official

dontfuckwith: if we ever get the chance to hang out with allura and coran in person, they are going to fight and we are all placing bets

GorgeousMan: SOUNDS SPLENDID!

ChatDad: if we ever get to meet allura in person I’m having her bench press me

Tinydick: same

DrFuckMe: Judging from the photos I’ve seen of you all I could easily bench press Pidge, Lance, and Keith

DrFuckMe: Shiro I might be able to get one lift in

DrFuckMe: But I don’t think I could bench press Hunk, however I’d be open to letting Hunk bench press me

CinnamonRoll: YES

Tinydick: If we ever all meet in person, Keith and I are gonna use our combined strength to fling pidge into space

Reaper: ^^

dontfuckwith: please do

dontfuckwith: i could meet the aliens and die at the same time

dontfuckwith: it’s a win win

ChatDad: Pidge no

dontfuckwith: pidge yes

Tinydick: Anyway guys I gtg I need to give my siblings a bath

DrFuckMe: ew children

GorgeousMan: GOOD LUCK, LANCE!

CinnamonRoll: Tell Camilla and Toni I said hi!!!

Tinydick: I will!

Reaper: Lance has siblings?

CinnamonRoll: Oh ya

dontfuckwith: lots

CinnamonRoll: Camilla and Toni are his younger siblings, 7 and 6 respectively

CinnamonRoll: Then he has three older sisters, 20, 22, and 23

Reaper: holy shit

CinnamonRoll: Ya since he’s the only kid living at home who can take care of the little ones, he gets babysitting duty a lot

DrFuckMe: I reiterate:

DrFuckMe: ew, children

GorgeousMan: Allura’s good at a lot of things, but dealing with children is not one of them

DrFuckMe: ^^ he’s right

dontfuckwith: same allura

Reaper: Wow Lance sure has a lot on his plate

ChatDad: Like we talked about earlier, I hope he’s not overworking himself

CinnamonRoll: I’ll do my best to take care of him :)

CinnamonRoll: I gtg now so I’ll see you guys later!

dontfuckwith: HUNK I LOVE YOU

CinnamonRoll: I LOVE YOU TOO PIDGE DON’T GET ARRESTED

dontfuckwith: i’ll try

dontfuckwith: shiro i got some q’s about the details of matt’s visit since he never answers his damn phone, i’m gonna pm you, alright?

ChatDad: yeah no problem

Reaper: Time to go polish my knives

DrFuckMe: Jesus you truly are an Edgelord stereotype

Reaper: Don’t tell me you don’t have a collection of weaponry at your house

DrFuckMe: ...fuck

GorgeousMan: Allura owns quite the armory that she inherited from her father!

GorgeousMan: [image.jpg]

Reaper: HOLY FUCK

Reaper: IM GAY FOR THOSE KNIVES

~

Direct Message

-Pidgeotto to shiro-

Pidgeotto: so Matt just texted and told me the dates and stuff for his visit

Pidgeotto: but i got some questions for u shiro

shiro: oh no

Pidgeotto: so since u and matt are gonna be hanging out for like three days

Pidgeotto: U got any…

Pidgeotto: special plans ;))))

shiro: no

shiro: are you trying to have another conversation about those photos you saw

Pidgeotto: no

Pidgeotto: ok maybe

shiro: Pidge I told you

shiro: there’s nothing going on between me and matt

Pidgeotto: sureeeee

Pidgeotto: i’m totally sure that u definitely aren’t harboring any secret feelings towards my brother for fear of ruining ur relationship

Pidgeotto: despite the fact that it’s totally obvious he’s had a major gay crush on u since high school

shiro: I don’t know what you’re talking about

Pidgeotto: oh please

Pidgeotto: that boy’s been totally in love with u since senior year

shiro: pidge I highly doubt that

Pidgeotto: alright, don’t believe me then

Pidgeotto: just letting you know i’ve heard the griffith observatory is a rlly romantic place to take a science nerd

shiro: Pidge please stop trying to interfere with my love life

Pidgeotto: okay okay i’ll stop

Pidgeotto: for now

shiro: …

Pidgeotto: oh cmon, u know i do it cuz i love ya

shiro: highly debatable

Pidgeotto: I need to go hack into the fbi’s main database so i’ll see ya later

shiro: Katie what the hell

shiro: please don’t get yourself arrested

Pidgeotto: :)))))))

Chapter Text

CinnamonRoll: GUYS I GOT A JOB

DrFuckMe: Congratulations Hunk!!!

CinnamonRoll: I also got fired from the job

dontfuckwith: wtf

DrFuckMe: Oh no!

Reaper: What happened

CinnamonRoll: Well

CinnamonRoll: Basically

CinnamonRoll: I was at the mall, trying out some good ol’ food samples

CinnamonRoll: And it turns out this one tray I took from wasn’t actually a free sample

ChatDad: I’ve done the same thing whoops

CinnamonRoll: Normally it’d be no problem right? I’d just pay for it and go home?

Tinydick: ya

CinnamonRoll: Well I forgot my wallet

Tinydick: Hunk!!!

CinnamonRoll: So the guy starts getting all pissy and stuff and starts yelling at me

CinnamonRoll: And I’m trying to apologize saying I’ll come back in like ten minutes with the money

CinnamonRoll: But then he says no I have to work for him to pay it off

DrFuckMe: Is that even legal?

CinnamonRoll: Probably not

CinnamonRoll: But there’s nothing I can do so he drags me into his kitchen and puts me to work scrubbing the floors

CinnamonRoll: When all of the sudden his cook just up and quits

dontfuckwith: oh shit

CinnamonRoll: so this guy already has anger issues right

CinnamonRoll: And this just makes him even madder

CinnamonRoll: But I realize this is my chance

Tinydick: Hunk the hero

CinnamonRoll: So I step up to the grill and say ‘I can do this, let me cook for you’

CinnamonRoll: And he doesn’t want to accept but it’s the middle of lunch hour and he’s got no cook so he accepts

CinnamonRoll: And, well, I maybe got a little too into it

dontfuckwith: hunk what did u do

CinnamonRoll: I was making dishes left and right, yelling at the guy who owns the place and being like ‘the fuck do you mean you don’t know how to make grape reduction’

DrFuckMe: Hunk is Gordon Ramsey

dontfuckwith: pretty much

Tinydick: Accurate

-CinnamonRoll’s name has been changed to GordonRamsey-

GordonRamsey: I am actually alright with this name change

Reaper: Wait you said you got fired

ChatDad: Yeah Hunk, what happened??

GordonRamsey: Well long story short mall security showed up while I was yelling about the fact that there was no lamb to cook

GordonRamsey: And the shop owner got in trouble for forcing an unpaid minor to work as a chef

GordonRamsey: So I had to leave even tho I made the guy a ton of money

DrFuckMe: Aw Hunk I’m sorry

GorgeousMan: That reminds me of the time I accidentally became a stripper for a day

dontfuckwith: oh jesus

Tinydick: Now that is a mental image I did not need

GorgeousMan: I was quite popular ;)

DrFuckMe: UNCLE PLEASE STOP

GorgeousMan: :(

GorgeousMan: Oh well, I’ll tell the tale another time

Reaper: please no

Tinydick: Wait Hunk what are your moms gonna think about this one day job you had

GordonRamsey: They’re gonna find this hilarious

DrFuckMe: Moms?

dontfuckwith: hunk has two moms

Tinydick: YEAH AND THEY’RE THE FUCKING BEST

DrFuckMe: Oh! Wonderful!

GordonRamsey: Speaking of I gotta brb, my Ma’s calling me

GordonRamsey: Time to tell her about my job adventure

Tinydick: GL!!!

ChatDad: Well how’s everyone else’s day been so far?

Reaper: I am dying

Reaper: Shiro why the fuck did you take ASL in high school instead of spanish

Reaper: as my older brother you need to give me assistance in my time of need

Reaper: But you’re useless

ChatDad: Sorry Keith

ChatDad: Maybe you should’ve taken ASL ;))))

Reaper: oh screw off

ChatDad: You’re just mad Matt and I can have a conversation without saying anything right in front of you

Reaper: IT’S ANNOYING

dontfuckwith: wait keith do u need help with spanish homework

Reaper: Yes

dontfuckwith: LANCE GET UR SCRAWNY ASS IN HERE

dontfuckwith: do i need to insult marina and the diamonds again

Tinydick: JUST TRY IT BITCH

dontfuckwith: here is our favorite lush employee

Tinydick: -_-

dontfuckwith: keith needs help with spanish homework

Tinydick: and that correlates to me because???

dontfuckwith: ur fluent in spanish dumbass

Tinydick: OH YEAH I FORGOT

DrFuckMe: Is that even possible to forget?

GorgeousMan: One would think not

Tinydick: Oh be quiet

Tinydick: You dumb brits and your…

Tinydick: uhh

Tinydick: your stupid tea!!!

DrFuckMe: LANCE MCCLAIN DO YOU WANT TO FIGHT

ChatDad: that went from 0 to 100 real quick

DrFuckMe: You don’t mess with brits and their tea

DrFuckMe: You wanna talk about stupid tea?

DrFuckMe: What in the actual fuck is Arizona tea???

DrFuckMe: It’s not tea at all!!!

DrFuckMe: it’s in a can

dontfuckwith: ARIZONA TEA IS FUCKING GOOD

DrFuckMe: IT’S NOT TEA

Tinydick: OH IT’S JUST FANCY LEAF WATER GET OVER YOURSELVES

GorgeousMan: Lance my boy

GorgeousMan: This is not a wise thing you’re doing

Tinydick: FIGHT ME ALLURA

DrFuckMe: I’LL THROW YOU INTO THE BOSTON HARBOR JUST LIKE YOU AMERICANS DID WITH OUR TEA

Reaper: Uhh

Reaper: Guys?

Reaper: I still need help with spanish?

Tinydick: Oh ya sorry Keith

Tinydick: I can totally help you with your homework

Reaper: Only if you’re not busy or anything

Reaper: Like if you are that’s fine I can probably get someone from my class to help me

Tinydick: No no I’m not doing anything right now

Tinydick: it’s totally fine I can totally help

Reaper: Oh

Reaper: Thank you

Tinydick: yeah no problem

Tinydick: Wanna skype?

Reaper: Yeah sure

Reaper: I’ll pm you my username

dontfuckwith: ;))))))

DrFuckMe: ;)))))

ChatDad: ;)))))))

GorgeousMan: ;))))))

Tinydick: Guys wtf

Reaper: Can y’all ever stop

ChatDad: Nope!

~

About an hour later and the two boys were in full swing of their study session. At first the energy between them had been tense and full of uncertainty. Keith was grateful for Lance’s assistance but hesitant to put too much on his already busy plate, while Lance was just unsure of how to act around Keith. They hadn't interacted one on one before, but once they had broken the ice things became easy and fun.

As Keith asked question after question about the preterit tense of words, Lance answered them all patiently and with a smile. He kept the mood from being dull with constant jokes, telling Keith puns in Spanish, and giving compliments to Keith’s knowledge of the language. The jokes always surprised Keith, some even making him laugh out loud, while the compliments made his cheeks turn bright red and grateful that the gloom of his room made the webcam unable to pick up his blush.

Soon enough, the homework was nearing completion as the clock ticked closer and closer towards midnight.

“So wait, when it's in preterite, stem-changers only change if they're in the ello/ella/usted and ellos/ellas/ustedes conjugation?” Keith asked, frowning at his paper.

“Yeah, it doesn't make much sense, does it?” Lance said with a chuckle. “Think of it like this. Let's say that most stem-changers are in a boot form, because on the conjugation chart they make a boot since they don't change on nosotros or vosotros. Well then preterite is like a chancla, where it's only ello and ellos conjugation so it makes a sort of sandal with the chart.”

“That… Kind of makes sense?” Keith said, not really understanding what Lance meant at all. Lance laughed again, smiling at Keith through the camera.

“It's okay, I know it's confusing without having a visual. That's just something my Spanish teacher taught me that I thought was useful for the non-spanish speakers.” Keith nodded, surprised and feeling touched that Lance would keep little tricks like that in mind for those who didn't know the language, even though he had no use for it himself.

“Sorry, I’m just brain dead right now.” Keith apologized, stifling a yawn with his hand. He glanced at the clock on his computer screen, eyes widening when he saw how late it was. “Shiro’s gonna kill me when he finds out how late I had to stay up to finish this.” Lance’s brows furrowed before he glanced at the clock as well, his expression showing a similar reaction to Keith’s.

“Oh wow, I hadn't realized it was almost midnight. Hopefully my Mama doesn't see that I'm still awake, or else I'm gonna be in big trouble.” Despite the ominous nature of his words, Lance said them lightheartedly, giving Keith the notion that it actually wasn't that big of a deal for his mother to find out.

“Shiro’s working at the bar tonight and he's not gonna be back till 3, so I'm good on that front.” Keith said, leaning back in his chair and stretching his arms above his head. Lance nodded at this, before a frown flickered across his face.

“You always talk about Shiro, but I never hear you mention your parents. Do you not live with them or something?” The question was blunt but his tone was soft and non-judgemental. Keith sighed, knowing someone would catch onto this eventually, and figured he might as well tell Lance the truth.

“Well… our parents… they're dead, Lance.” Lance gasped slightly, and Keith cursed his bluntness.

“Oh-oh I'm sorry, Keith. I had no idea.” Keith shook his head, not wanting Lance to feel the need to apologize.

“It's fine. Mom died when I was a baby so I don't really remember her. And as for our dad… my dad died a few years ago, so it's alright. You don't need to say sorry, I'm fine with it.” That wasn't entirely the truth but it wasn't entirely a lie. Keith just didn't want to get the stereotypical guilty apologies from Lance even though he had nothing to do with either of his parent’s deaths.

“Oh… okay then.” He paused, biting his lip. “Well, um, if you don't mind my asking, how old were you when your dad died?” The question surprised Keith because it wasn't about the accident, it was just about him.

“14, just about to turn 15,” Keith stopped himself for a moment, wondering whether to add more information, before deciding Lance might as well know the full story. “It was about two months after Shiro had returned home from the military. We were all really stressed. Obviously Shiro had lost his arm and had some serious PTSD to work through, and my dad was just trying to help as best he could. Long story short there was a car accident, and after a lot of pleading with the judge we managed to convince her that Shiro was capable of being my legal guardian. Ever since then it's just been the two of us.” Keith finished his story with another sigh, and awkwardly scratched the back of his neck as he waited for Lance to respond.

“Holy shit… that… that must've been really rough.” He said quietly, his mouth set in a sympathetic grimace. Keith nodded, and the air between them turned awkwardly silent. He shouldn't have said all that. He and Lance were having a great time, and now things were weird. Good going Keith. He needed to fix this.

Come on, Keith. How do you fix awkward situations?

Oh yeah, changing the subject works.

“What about your family? Hunk said you had five siblings?” Keith asked, hoping to change the topic to a cheerier one. Lance’s expression lit up like the sun at that.

“Oh yeah! There's Toni, Camilla, Alicia, Lourdes, and Melissa! And of course there's moi.” Lance said, gesturing to himself with a flourish at the end. Keith blinked in shock.

“Holy shit dude, that's a lot of people.” He said, trying to imagine what living with five siblings was like.

“That's not even including my Mama and Papa. And then, when we have the cousins over, that's when things get really chaotic.”

For the next hour, Lance talked all about his family. He told Keith about their wild holidays, the best (and most infamous) McClain Kid Pranks™, and almost every funny memory he could think of. As Lance continued to talk, his smooth voice and tales of family fun lulled Keith into a relaxed state. He was already tired. He never went to bed before midnight and always regretted it in the morning. So it wasn’t his fault that he found his eyelids drooping shut with Lance’s low and clear voice flowing through his ears.

It wasn’t until Lance was halfway through telling the story of the exploding candles prank at Alicia’s 14th birthday that the sounds of Keith’s soft snoring floated through the speakers. Glancing at the webcam screen, he saw Keith’s head laying on his desk, his arms beneath him as a makeshift pillow. Lance gave a small smile to the sight, knowing it was late and that Keith must’ve been more tired than he was letting on.

“Goodnight Keith.” He said gently, wishing he could reach through the screen to turn off his desk light and put a blanket over the boy’s shoulders.

Wait, what?

Ignoring that odd thought, Lance hung up the call and got ready for bed himself, knowing they would probably Skype again soon. But sleep didn’t come as easily as Lance McClain had thought it would, as his thoughts were crowded with the dark-haired boy he hadn’t even met in person.

Keith had a good laugh, one that wasn’t annoying like some were. He also had really nice eyes, a very blunt personality, and a great smile. Lance wanted to talk to Keith more, find out more about the mysterious boy’s life.

As he thought of this, a strange yet familiar feeling stuttered through his heart. The agonizingly well-known swell of butterflies in his gut began to make their presence known, and in the dark of his room, Lance smashed his face into the pillow and groaned.

This couldn’t be happening. It definitely wasn’t. He couldn’t be getting a crush on Keith of all people! He hadn’t even met him in person! You can’t get feelings for someone you’ve never seen in real life before, right?

Lance’s emotions were currently telling him wrong.

As Lance let himself drift off into sleep, his last waking thoughts were rather fitting for this current situation.

I hate that stupid fucker and his hot ass mullet.

Goddammit McClain that’s gay.

~

Direct Message

-Pidgeotto to SunnyHunk-

Pidgeotto: so keith and lance are totally crushing on each other

Pidgeotto: what a bunch of gay losers

SunnyHunk: Pidge you can’t exactly call them gay losers when pretty much every person in the chat is some kind of gay

Pidgeotto: i never said i wasn’t a gay loser

Pidgeotto: everyone in that goddamn chat is a gay loser

Pidgeotto: it should be renamed to gay loser’s talk shit

SunnyHunk: No

Pidgeotto: damn

Pidgeotto: speaking of gay losers

Pidgeotto: i’m totally gonna try to get my lame ass brother and and keith’s lame ass brother together

SunnyHunk: I thought Shiro didn’t want you getting involved?

Pidgeotto: hunk since when have i ever listened to authority?

SunnyHunk: fair point

SunnyHunk: So what is your amazing plan Oh Mighty Pidgeot

Pidgeotto: Pidgeot

Pidgeotto: i like it

SunnyHunk: Thanks I try

SunnyHunk: That can be your title when you’re 17

Pidgeotto: damn so far

Pidgeotto: anyway now for the plan

Pidgeotto: plan a is for shiro to get his head out of his ass and use his time alone in LA with matt to take that fucker out on some proper dates

Pidgeotto: but if that doesn’t work

Pidgeotto: im gonna get matt to convince shiro and keith to come down to san diego with him for a few days so that they can both ‘see me’

SunnyHunk: Oh geez

Pidgeotto: but while they’re here im gonna make a plan where i go out with matt and shiro but i ditch them so they’re forced into a date

Pidgeotto: also to kill 2 birds w/ 1 stone

Pidgeotto: we’re gonna find a way to get keith and lance alone together

SunnyHunk: Holy shit

SunnyHunk: Pidge you’re a genius

Pidgeotto: u know it ;)))

SunnyHunk: If only we could get Allura and Coran here

Pidgeotto: i know but unfortunately i havent invented teleportation yet

SunnyHunk: well i’ll help you

Pidgeotto: w/ inventing teleportation or w/ my matchmaking plans??

SunnyHunk: both

Pidgeotto: HELL YEAH

SunnyHunk: I can find a way to get Keith and Lance alone together

Pidgeotto: omg i love u

SunnyHunk: Love you too Pidgey

Pidgeotto: how are u gonna do it?? knock them out, tie them up, and shove them in a closet???

SunnyHunk: What?! No!!!

Pidgeotto: damn that’d be funny to watch

SunnyHunk: I’m not sure how yet, but I’m thinking it might be similar to what you’re planning on doing with matt and shiro

Pidgeotto: well, I have faith in you Hunk

Pidgeotto: should we make a separate chat w/ allura and coran so we can rant about how oblivious these love-sick dorks are??

SunnyHunk: That’s an awesome idea!

~

Pidgeotto has added SunnyHunk, ThePrincess, and GorgeousMan to the conversation

Pidgeotto has named the chat ‘Gay Idiots’

ThePrincess: Pidge what is this

Pidgeotto: hunk and i have a plan to get not only my brother and shiro together, but keith and lance too

Pidgeotto: so i thought we could use a separate chat to rant about these dummies

GorgeousMan: Oh my! This is a fantastic idea!

GorgeousMan: Oh! The trials and tribulations of young love! How beautiful it is!

Pidgeotto: see? corans got the right idea

ThePrincess: Wait, you want to get your brother and Shiro together? Why?

Pidgeotto: because they both have major crushes on the other and are too afraid to admit it

Pidgeotto: also

Pidgeotto: [image.jpg]

SunnyHunk: IS THAT MATT AND SHIRO MAKING OUT ON A BAR

Pidgeotto: YES

ThePrincess: OH

ThePrincess: WAIT IS THAT CORAN IN THE BACKGROUND?!

SunnyHunk: WHAT

GorgeousMan: Oh yes! I remember that night well! It was quite a party in that club, and I met quite a few wonderful people!

GorgeousMan: But I had no idea that the Shiro I met in this chat was the same Shiro that wept to me in the bathroom for twenty minutes about how unfair pokemon is to the pokemon!

ThePrincess: CORAN WHY DID YOU GO TO AMERICA

GorgeousMan: I was assigned to assassinate the Governor of California

SunnyHunk: IS THAT HOW HE DIED

GorgeousMan: ;)))

Pidgeotto: FORGET ABOUT THE ASSASSINATION YOU KNOW SHIRO AND MY BROTHER

GorgeousMan: PLOT TWIST!

ThePrincess: Holy fuck Coran

ThePrincess: You

ThePrincess: You truly are an enigma

GorgeousMan: Thank you, Princess. I certainly try

GorgeousMan: And I will help you in your quest to bring Matthew and Shiro together in a spectacular show of young love!

Pidgeotto: YES THANK U

SunnyHunk: Ok but guys

SunnyHunk: The real question is

SunnyHunk: Why the hell is Coran wearing a cocktail dress

Chapter Text

ChatDad: Today’s the day!!!

DrFuckMe: The day for what, Shiro?

ChatDad: Matt is arriving in LA today!

DrFuckMe: Oh! Tell him I say hello even though I’ve never met him!

dontfuckwith: u can tell him urself

-dontfuckwith has added patmatt to the chat-

patmatt: hello my fellow gays

DrFuckMe: ...

DrFuckMe: So this is Pidge’s brother?

ChatDad: Matt!

patmatt: gee i didn’t realize my good ol’ pops was in this chat

dontfuckwith: i have never heard you refer to dad as ‘pops’ in our entire lives

patmatt: u don’t know me, weedle

ChatDad: Matt it’s Shiro

patmatt: OH HI

patmatt: my good ol’ bro buddy pal takashi shirogane

patmatt: haven’t talked to u in forever

ChatDad: We were texting like an hour ago

patmatt: oh ya

Tinydick: IT’S MATT

GordonRamsey: HI MATT

patmatt: HELLO PEOPLE I DONT KNOW

GordonRamsey: I’m Hunk!

dontfuckwith: matt, hunk is my friend i told u about who cooks amazingly and is the best human being on the planet

patmatt: oh my god it’s an honor sir

GordonRamsey: Matt, important question, do you like pie or cake better?

patmatt: IM ALWAYS A SLUT FOR PIE

GordonRamsey: What flavor?

patmatt: uhh i love all pie, but especially both butterscotch cinnamon and blueberry pie

dontfuckwith: you fucking undertale trash

patmatt: IT WAS A GOOD GAME ALRIGHT EVEN IF THE FANDOM RUINED IT

GordonRamsey: Um how about I just make you some blueberry pie when you come to SD??

patmatt: FUCK YES

patmatt: Hunk I can already see why Pidge loves you

Tinydick: Hunk is the best 11/10

patmatt: agreed tinydick

patmatt: do i want to know the story behind that name

DrFuckMe: Lance once accidentally sent a dick pic in the chat

dontfuckwith: my innocent 15 year old eyes were tarnished

patmatt: kid ur eyes haven’t been innocent since u were ten

dontfuckwith: yeah because of u

patmatt: u know what who says the human centipede isn’t appropriate to show ur 10 year old sister

dontfuckwith: A LOT OF PEOPLE MATTHEW

GordonRamsey: WHY THE HELL DID YOU SHOW PIDGE THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE?!

ChatDad: Oh god I remember that

ChatDad: Neither you or Pidge slept for weeks

patmatt: she didn’t wanna go to bed and I wanted to watch a movie!

patmatt: i really had no choice

DrFuckMe: …

dontfuckwith: allura is judging you for ur sins

patmatt: judge me daddy

ChatDad: stop

patmatt: well allura it’s nice to meet u

DrFuckMe: I would say the feeling’s mutual but it’s not

Tinydick: OHHHHHHH ROASTED

Tinydick: Wait where’s Coran

GorgeousMan: HELLO!

GorgeousMan: Oh! I see we have a new member! I’m Coran!

patmatt: Heyo I’m Matt, Pidge’s super cool older brother

dontfuckwith: in what universe are you considered cool

ChatDad: ^^

patmatt: TAKASHI WHAT THE SHIT

patmatt: WHAT THE TAKASHIT

Tinydick: kdslfjdklsfjd

GordonRamsey: TAKASHIT IM CRYING

-ChatDad’s name has been changed to Takashit-

Takashit: oh my god

patmatt: wait isn’t queef cocaine in this

Tinydick: oh yeah where is he???

dontfuckwith: wouldn’t u know lance ;))))

Tinydick: stop

Takashit: Keith is currently out on a ride

Tinydick: a ride??

Takashit: On his motorcycle

Tinydick: KEITH HAS A MOTORCYCLE?!

Takashit: yeah

dontfuckwith: oh he finished building it?

Takashit: Yep!

GordonRamsey: He built it himself?!

DrFuckMe: I must say that’s quite impressive

patmatt: damn takashi, ur little bro’s cool

Takashit: That’s debatable

Takashit: One time he yelled ‘fire is my element’ in the group chat

patmatt: kldsfjklsdf

Reaper: ARE YOU GUYS INSULTING ME

patmatt: hey queef kiddo~

Reaper: oh joy it’s matt

Tinydick: KEITH YOU DIDN’T TELL ME YOU HAD A MOTORCYCLE

Reaper: Oh yeah

Reaper: Well

Reaper: I do

GordonRamsey: That’s really cool! You built it yourself?

Reaper: Yeah, it took a hell of a long time but it works

Tinydick: Keith that’s really impressive

Reaper: Oh

Reaper: Thanks :)

dontfuckwith: ;)))))

patmatt: am i missing something

~

-Pidgeotto has added patmatt, SunnyHunk, shiro, ThePrincess, and GorgeousMan to the chat-

-Pidgeotto has named the chat ‘Klance’-

Pidgeotto: okay matt long story short keith and lance are two gay losers who are crushing very hard on each other and everyone in the chat besides them ships it

patmatt: ohhhhhhhh

ThePrincess: Klance, what a clever ship name

Pidgeotto: thanks allura

shiro: Why did you create a separate chat

Pidgeotto: because im extra shiro

SunnyHunk: You are

patmatt: so basically we all want

Pidgeotto: when do we want it

patmatt: now

patmatt: i didn’t mean to press send

patmatt: so we want them to meet in a gay bar or something?

SunnyHunk: They’re both 17

patmatt: pidge has a fake id she could probably get a few more

Pidgeotto: ;)

shiro: WHAT

shiro: Katie what are you using a fake ID for

Pidgeotto: ;)))))))

shiro: there will be no fake ID’s

Pidgeotto: Shiro you’re no fun!!!

patmatt: oh he’s plenty of fun

Pidgeotto: wouldn’t u know ;)

patmatt: shut it kid

patmatt: takashi my train is arriving in 10 min u better have ur ass waiting to pick me up at the station

shiro: Don’t worry Matt, I just got here

patmatt: knew i could count on u :)

~~~

Shiro stood, watching the trains speed by along the platform in a blur of gleaming metal. He fiddled with the metal fingers of his prosthetic, glancing at his phone every few seconds to ensure Matt hadn’t texted him. His foot jittered up and down, perfectly in tune to the racing of his own heart. He was nervous. Really nervous. But why? Why was he nervous about seeing his best friend since high school?

Shiro knew why. He just didn’t want to admit it.

This was going to be their first time seeing each other in person since that night in the bar.

Running a hand through his hair, Shiro shook his head to clear his thoughts. He was just being ridiculous. They had both agreed that what him and Matt had done meant nothing, and that it wouldn’t get in the way of their friendship. It wasn’t going to change anything, they were just friends.

Just friends.

The thought stung at Shiro, and he hated that he knew why. But it didn’t matter, Shiro wasn’t going to let his own feelings get in the way of Matt’s vacation. They would hang out, go to some cool places and have a fun time, and then Matt would go down to San Diego and Shiro wouldn’t see him again for another several months. Then he would be able to get over this crush and move on with his life.

Shiro was so lost in his myriad of thoughts and emotions, he didn’t notice the train that had slowed to a stop in front of him until the doors slid open with a hiss, and a crowd of passengers began to pour out like a stream. Snapping back to reality, Shiro strained to look in the throng of people, trying to spot the familiar head of his friend.

“TAKASHI!” Shiro’s head whipped around to the source of the voice, and a huge smile broke his face when he saw Matt Holt at the corner of the crowd, pushing his way through as fast as possible. Shiro took off towards him, trying not to jostle too many other travelers as he waded through everyone to get to his best friend.

It was only seconds before Shiro had his arms wrapped around Matt, burying his face in hair and breathing in his familiar and comforting scent. This felt good. Really good. Just having his best friend with him felt so much better than he could have ever imagined.

The two stayed like that a few seconds longer than was normal for ‘just friends’, but Shiro just brushed it off as not having seen each other in such a long time. Then, they pulled away and gave each other wide grins.

“Dude! You’re so buff holy shit!” Matt exclaimed, looking him up and down, his brown eyes showing how impressed he was. Shiro laughed, keeping a minor flush away from his cheeks with pure willpower.

“Thanks, it’s good to know you still look like a toothpick.” He teased, punching Matt lightly in the arm. Matt feigned mock hurt, holding a hand over his chest as if he had been stabbed.

“Ugh! I guess my working out at the gym to impress you and your ridiculous biceps was all for naught.” Shiro raised a single eyebrow at him.

“You went to the gym? Like, an actual, real life, gym? And not just to get bacteria samples from the exercise equipment?” Matt gasped dramatically.

“First off, rude , and second off, getting bacteria samples from a gym would be a horrible idea because there would be so much contamination that you couldn’t get any reliable data off of it.” Matt said this casually, as if everyone knew the specifics of bacterial contamination and experimental research. Actually, probably most people did, it’d just been a while since Shiro had been inside a laboratory. “And yes, for your information I actually did visit the gym and let me tell you, it sucked ass. I don’t know how you do it, Kashi.” Well, now that Shiro was looking closely, Matt’s arms and legs did seem a little more toned and muscular than the last time he’d seen him.

“You learn to love it eventually. Anyway, we should head out now, I think the next train’s gonna come soon.” Matt glanced up and saw that Shiro was right, and picked up his bag, letting Shiro lead him out of the train station and to his car, where after a quick discussion, they agreed to head to a nearby mexican food place for lunch.

~

Direct Message

-patmatt to Pidgeotto-

patmatt: katie

patmatt: dude

patmatt: help

patmatt: he’s hotter than i remember

Pidgeotto: matt that’s gay

patmatt: wow thanks for that astounding observation

Pidgeotto: hey just doing my job as annoying younger sibling

patmatt: BUT WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME HE GOT HOTTER

Pidgeotto: matt, u know as well as i do that i havent seen shiro in person in several months

patmatt: YEAH BUT YOUVE SEEN SELFIES OF HIM

Pidgeotto: fair enough

patmatt: pidgey what am i gonna do

patmatt: idk how im gonna survive two whole days alone with him

Pidgeotto: ur mega gay crush is so big it will kill both u and him

patmatt: HELP ME CHILD

Pidgeotto: what am i supposed to do?! Im a 15 year old asexual thats never dated anyone before how should i know how this works

patmatt: I DONT KNOW GOOGLE IT OR SOMETHING?

Pidgeotto: why dont u just, oh idk, TELL HIM HOW U FEEL????

Pidgeotto: like a normal human being???

patmatt: says the one who was so afraid of her crush finding out she liked them, she hacked their discord account and deleted that accidental pm

Pidgeotto: that was dIFFERENT

Pidgeotto: she was straight so i knew there was no remote chance of anything ever happening

patmatt: and how is my situation any different??

Pidgeotto: well firstly we know for a fact that Shiro isn’t straight

Pidgeotto: you were literally the first person he came out as bi to

Pidgeotto: secondly, i’d say there’s a pretty high chance he likes you back

patmatt: now that’s a load of bullshit

Pidgeotto: why?

patmatt: dude he once saw me wearing naruto cosplay at 3 am eating grapes while i played overwatch there’s no coming back from that one

Pidgeotto: some ppl find that kind of stuff endearing

patmatt: yeah only weeaboos

patmatt: and shiro isn’t a weeaboo as we know

Pidgeotto: yeah he’s actually japanese so even if he did watch a ton of anime he’d probably be exempt from that

patmatt: I’m pretty sure the only anime he’s seen is death note

Pidgeotto: why the hell haven’t you showed him fullmetal alchemist yet

patmatt: uhh are u sure that’d be appropriate??

Pidgeotto: i mean it should be

Pidgeotto: shiro didn’t lose his arm trying to perform human transmutation so

Pidgeotto: anyway

Pidgeotto: what are you doing right now w/ him

patmatt: driving to some mexican food place he said is good for lunch

Pidgeotto: hmm

Pidgeotto: if you’re not going to admit your feelings for him yet, my advice is: get yourself a good ass burrito and bury your feelings in a smothering of guacamole and salsa