Archive of Our Own ^beta

So something as illogical as witchcraft really does exist, huh?

Musing to himself in bemusement, Dazai stared at the number on the back of his hand, reading 3. That’s three hours of his life remaining until he will die from the curse. But it was not even an Ability; it was witchcraft and Dazai could barely believe it himself even after witnessing the woman standing in the middle of an actual honest-to-god magic circle and casting an actual curse of death.

 A string of strange deaths has been occurring in Yokohama for the last three months and the Agency was tasked to find the culprit. At first they all thought it was an Ability User which made it logical for Dazai to spearhead the search since a killing Ability won’t affect him.

They tracked the killer to a warehouse and he came in by himself, convincing the other members to stay back since there a high chance that a killing Ability User is inept in physical fighting because of their reliance to their Ability, especially if they’re alone like the one they’re hunting. He would be able to take care of it himself.

The moment he stepped into the unnaturally dark warehouse, light burst from beneath his feet from what seemed like a large magic circle, painting the world in luminous white. In the middle of it, Rowling was chanting with a tome open in one hand, following the crescendo of her voice, the light’s intensity became more and more blinding until Dazai had to cover his shut eyes with his arm, grunting in pain.

The light disappeared as suddenly as it came, leaving him blinking his eyes open and trying to see past the dots in his vision. When Kunikida crashed into the warehouse ready to fight, the witch was no longer in sight, leaving behind only a scorched mark on the concrete floor and the number 5 branded on the back of his hand.

After a little bit of research here and there they found out that the curse was called the Mark of Death and the only cure was ‘to be kissed by the person who loved the afflicted the most’.

Right now, everyone was running around like headless chicken around him, trying to figure out who was the most likely to bear the strongest affection to the senior detective. It was barely five minutes after they found out the effect of the spell and all of them were losing their collective heads. The only one who was unaffected, namely Ranpo and Yosano, just sat watching the chaos unfold with snacks in hand.

Pulling out his phone, Dazai typed a quick message and sent it, right before Kunikida was shoved into the room he was in. He could see how his partner’s face was burning hot, eyes shifty and how he nearly shouted when the door was slammed close behind him.

Feeling a smile tugging at his lips when he realized what was happening, Dazai stood up from his seat and walked closer to the flustered man “Oho? What’s the matter, Kunikida-kun? Something you want to say?”

Kunikida’s mouth opened and closed like a fish before his expression hardened with determination to get things over with quickly. Dazai was not surprised that Kunikida would just give up on finding something to say and just grabbed his face roughly to press their lips together. Although rather than ‘press’ it more like ‘crash’, upper teeth digging painfully into sensitive skin and it made Dazai’s eyes narrow in displeasure although amusement was still clearly dancing in them.

“Ooooh, I was just kissed by the Prince Charming!” Dazai said when Kunikida has pulled back like his lips were on fire. Swooning where he was standing, barely even thee inches from the taller man, he had all the intention of falling into broad chest like a melodramatic actress on a soap opera. But Kunikida side-stepped his attempt and he ended up as an undignified heap on the floor.

“How mean, not even a hug after you stole my chastity?” Dazai pouted and sulked, making himself comfortable on the floor. “I’m not getting up. I will die here from the pain of being rejected by my beloved!”

“Stop being so dramatic!” Kunikida hissed with embarrassment clear in his voice and Dazai could feel a shoe collide with his back, making all of the air in his lungs escape as a huff. “Did the curse disappear?”

Humming, Dazai dragged his hand closer and saw that the number three was still very much etched on his skin. “Nope. It’s still here. Seems like you’re not my fated one, sadly. I would have loved to gallop toward the sunset with you beneath me!”

“You perverted deviant!” Kunikida hollered and he was stepped on with even more weight than before, making him cough.

“You’re the one that’s perverted, Kunikida-kun!” Dazai wheezed. “I mean you would have served well as a white horse for me to ride on!”

The members of the Agencies stopped their pacing when the door was slammed open by Kunikida who was dragging a heap of somewhat-alive corpse of one Dazai Osamu. Said corpse came back to life the moment he was thrown to the nearby chair.

“Be gentle, Kunikida-kun!” he protested.

“I have no responsibility to be gentle to a vexing vermin like you!”

Dazai was ready to shoot back a line when Atsushi approached him shyly.

“May I, Dazai-san?” Atsushi asked, heads bowing to hide his flushed face.

“Aww, go ahead, Atsushi-kun.” Dazai answered, tilting his head up so the boy could reach his lips easily. Unlike Kunikida’s virginal-and-pathetic attempt on kissing him like he wanted to drill all of four-years frustration into his mouth, Atsushi’s kiss was light and sweet. It was also very quick too as the boy immediately snatched himself back just after two seconds, face burning so hot Dazai could feel it from where he was.

“I—Is the curse--?” he asked with a stutter that was just positively adorable. Checking the back of his hand, Dazai concluded that,

“Nope. Still here.”

Atsushi’s shoulders slumped in disappointment. “I’m sorry, Dazai-san.” He said glumly.

“Hey, hey, don’t be like that.” Dazai said with a grin, fluffing up Atsushi’s white hair cheerfully. “I’m flattered that you were so confident that the curse will disappear with your kiss, Atsushi-kun!”

He could feel Atsushi jump under his hand, his face burning up even more if that was even possible. “T-that’s--! Dazai-san, I don’t--!”

“It’s okay, it’s okay Atsushi-kun. It would be hard not to like someone as perfect as me, after all!” Dazai exclaimed with a wink.

“It’s not like that—Dazai-san!” he cried out.

“I know, I know.” Dazai laughed. “Still. Glad to have such a devoted little friend like you.”

After the blushing fiasco that was Atsushi’s attempt, everyone kissed him one by one with varying degree of embarrassment. Dazai could still feel the cold shivers down his spine when he was kissed by Naomi and then by Tanizaki, both siblings drilling holes on his back with their eyes when his lips was pressed against the sister or the brother.

Easy to say, the kiss with both of them was so short no one was sure that their lips even touched.

 By the end of ‘kiss everyone in the agency to save his life’ binge, the Mark was showing the number 2, still very much present on the back of Dazai’s left hand.

“If it’s not us, then who is it?” Atsushi asked, pacing the floor. “Is there anyone outside the Agency?”

Kunikida snorted “Yeah. As if any normal people would spend even more than one second with this suicidal maniac.” He ignored Dazai’s shouted ‘Hey!’ and continued “It’s unlikely that any civilian might love him enough to rival his own co-workers when we’re the ones that spent the most time with him.”

“But didn’t Dazai have lots of girlfriends?” Ranpo drawled before plucking the lollipop out of his mouth so he could speak with clearer voice. “Maybe one of them was obsessed with him? It would count as ‘loving him the most’.”

“That might be it!” Atsushi brightened up. “Do you have any ideas, Dazai-san? Someone who might love you enough to be obsessed.”

“Well,” Dazai started, putting a finger on his chin like he’s seriously thinking. “All my life I have roughly about… 276 girlfriends.”

“….what?”

“And if we’re to count the ones that were hung up on me and still send me letters to this day begging me to come back, it would narrow the number down to 189 girls.”

“WHAT?!”

“If we’re talking obsessed, though, I’m pretty sure I have around 74 stalkers including the one watching us right now with a binocular from the building just across the Agency.” He concluded with flourish. “How about it?”

“It’s not ‘how about it’, you fool!” Kunikida hollered, seemingly going berserk as he german-surplexed a screaming Dazai to the wall. “How are we supposed to make 74 girls round up and kiss you one by one in two hours?!”

“Dazai-kun sure is a Casanova.” Yosano remarked, watching the chain-slapping occur once again as she munched on chips he got from Ranpo after she bent the Dazai back and French-kissed him in the middle of the office. Hey, if she got a chance to kiss an attractive man she’ll go at it all-out; it’s just common sense. It’s just too bad that he tasted like ajinomoto or the kiss would drag out for far, far longer than the fifteen minutes it was.

“Even if we manage to round up the 74 girls, he’d die before the 20^th get to kiss him.” Ranpo remarked, munching on a slice of shortcake. “Girls are scary.”

In the end, Kenji was sent to the building to grab the stalker and made her kiss Dazai. None of them expected her to go out cold the moment her lips touched Dazai’s, and even then the Mark was still going strong.

Time ticked and the Mark showed the number 1.

Everyone was frantic at this point, trying to figure out who was the person who loved Dazai the most. The most logical answer seemed to be them since only the Agency was able to stay in Dazai’s vicinity for more than ten minutes without being driven crazy. There are also people that would stalk Dazai but finding one between all 74 in under one hour was impossible even with Ranpo’s help. Mostly because all of them are too rabid for even him to identify.

It was at that moment that a light bulb went Why haven’t you thought of this yet, fucker? in Atsushi’s mind. “I know!” he shouted

“What is it, Atsushi-kun?” Tanizaki asked as Atsushi withered when he realized everyone’s eyes were on him. But he still went on with a confident posture.

“It must be Akutagawa!” he said it with the exuberance of someone one-hundred percent sure of his words.

“Well….” Dazai made a face with horror dawning in his voice. “I mean, you’ve got a point. Sadly I’d rather die by the Mark than to kiss him.”

“But we must try!” Atsushi cried out, whipping out his phone with a determined expression.

“You have his number, huh.” Dazai mumbled dryly but then shrugged. “Doesn’t matter, though. He’s currently in a mission in Hokkaidou. It’s not possible to return here and kiss me in under one hour when he’s that far away.” Dazai shrugged.

“If we say Dazai-san’s life is in danger I’m sure he’ll be here in time.” Atsushi said with a voice that booked no argument. When Dazai opened his mouth to convince him that it couldn’t be done, he quickly snapped his mouth shut again because who was he kidding? Akutagawa will launch himself on a rocket to get to him in half an hour if his life is in danger, screaming “Dazai-saaaaaaaaaannnn” all the way like he’s on some holy war.

(Sometime he felt like going back in time to slap his younger self while shouting ‘Abort the plan! Abort! Abort! It’s not worth it! Give him to Odasaku and let him be the cinnamon roll he’s destined to be!’ when he started to mold Akutagawa into a true Mafioso. )

Before the nightmarish image could come true with a press of a button by Atsushi’s hands, the sound of shattering glass filled the entire office. Standing just beneath the shower of glass that suddenly stopped falling to float all around a slim figure glowing red, was the Port Mafia Executive Nakahara Chuuya.

“You--!” Yosano stood up with a large butcher knife, but Chuuya just stomped on the ground and all of them was dragged down to it like metals on magnet. The only one left standing was Dazai who greeted the other man with a smile.

“Yah, Chuuya. It’s good for you to come such a short noti—“ before he could finish his sentence, Chuuya was grabbing his collar and kept him one arm’s length away. Blue eyes flicked up and down his body in what he recognized as a visual check for injury. Seemingly unsatisfied, gloved hand began to pat down his body while the owner frowned in concentration.

“Done molesting me yet?” Dazai wheezed when Chuuya let him go.

“You’re alright, aren’t you?!” Chuuya growled. “What’s the meaning of sending me a message saying you’ll die in three hours if I don’t get back immediately? I was on a mission in North Korea, goddamit!”

“But I will.” Dazai said faux-innocently, showing the Mark. “See? I have one hour left.”

“What the hell is that?” Chuuya said as he narrowed his eyes.

While Dazai was explaining the situation, the rest of the Agency wondered if they have been forgotten, laying on the floor with their voice that was distorted by gravity so much none of them was audible.  

“So that’s the story.” Dazai finished.

“Huh. Okay, I do have reports about that coming in.” Chuuya frowned “But to think it got you…. You’re stupider than I remember.”

“At least I understand basic trigonometry.” Dazai said back harshly. “And I need to get this off soon, if you will. I reckon I only have around 18 minutes left.”

“What? Did you spend the last two hours kissing everyone in this room?” Chuuya asked.

“Yep.” Was the short and succinct answer.

Chuuya stared at him like he couldn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth. But a glance to the obviously flustered individuals of the Agency who has to kiss this ass’s mouth and he conceded with a sigh that his ex-partner is the king of all idiots.

With no finesse, Chuuya gripped Dazai’s chin and dragged him closer for a kiss. Once, twice, then when he pulled back Chuuya hesitated with his lips still millimeters from Dazai’s and pressed another one on them as if trying to play safe just in case ‘three is the magic number’ actually hold truth.

When he pulled away, Chuuya sighed harshly and immediately stepped back, slapping an open palm to Dazai’s chest as a ways to push the bastard away from him. “Next time, don’t go around wasting time when you could do things more efficiently.” He nagged as he walked to the window.

“I don’t know~ It proved to be very entertaining.” Dazai answered in a jovial tone, making the smaller man roll his eyes with a muttered of course.

When Chuuya was gone, black coat fluttering in the wind as he flew away, Kunikida stared at him with question in his gaze. As if answering it, Dazai lifted his unblemished left hand with a huge grin.

He got dragged into the computer room and received ‘Kunikida’s special punishment for Dazai Osamu’ for the trouble he consciously made for the Agency. This time, not even Atsushi stood up for him.

The next day, the broken window once again became a door for a certain red-haired Mafioso. Everyone in the room immediately stood up, ready for a fight to break out when Chuuya just lazily pulled off his glove, baring his left hand and showing the mark of Death Spell on his hand like it was an ID.

He made a beeline to the break room where Dazai was snoring away the noon on the couch. Uncaringly, he grabbed his ex-partner’s collar and dragged him up with one hand to a level where he could press their lips together easily, disregarding the surprised, indignant noises Dazai was making because of the rude awakening.

When he pulled back, Chuuya immediately checked the back of his hand to find the Mark already gone. Letting out a satisfied sound, Chuuya let go of his grip on Dazai’s collar, making the taller man fall to the floor with a yelp of shock and pain. Everyone winced at the thud and crunch that followed Dazai’s body being re-introduced to the tiled surface.

Without even sparing the young man groaning at the pain inflicted by his hands, Chuuya walked away to the window he came in from.

“What about the Witch?” Kunikida asked as Chuuya was ready to slip out.

“Rowling’s already taken care of.” Chuuya said gruffly as he stepped out of the window.

“You came here to steal a kiss and leave?! Who are you trying to impersonate? At least Romeo has more manners than you barbarian! Sing beneath the window next time so I know where to throw the garbage can!” Dazai shouted with a touch of childish whine in his tone, head poking out of the break room as he had crawled the few inches it needed to send a scowl to the red-haired man. 

“Yeah, yeah, sure.” Chuuya said flippantly as he hovered in the air outside of the agency. “You still love me, though.” He shrugged and lifted the unmarked back of his left hand with a smug smirk before flying away.