Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Honestly, Alex had absolutely no idea who could possibly want something at this time in the night, but with so much on his mind, he frankly didn’t give a shit. However, his initial apathy instantly turned to shock when he opened the door to reveal the exhausted athlete standing on the other side.

“Um...hey?” Alex couldn’t believe his eyes. The only conversations that the two of them ever had revolved solely around what to do with Clay and those damned tapes, and never occurred alone. This seemed...personal. Very personal. But, oddly enough, this new, private interaction surprisingly didn’t unnerve Alex one bit. Sure, he was beyond curious to learn what Justin wanted that couldn’t have waited until school, but Alex didn’t find himself bothered at all by the athlete’s sudden presence. If anything, his arrival was almost...comforting.

Realizing that he had been spacing out, Alex mentally shook himself and focused on Justin.

As Alex listened to Justin’s request, he easily gained Alex’s undivided attention. Alex knew his relationship with his own father wasn’t the greatest, but he couldn’t even begin to fathom how Justin was left in a position where he had no family or friends to help him. Justin, despite his glaring flaws, didn’t deserve his horrible circumstances. When Justin mentioned that he was willing to sleep in Alex’s garage, Alex knew that this was where he had to finally say something.

“No, man, that’s weird. You’re not some hobo.” Although Alex was truly comforted by the other teen’s presence, he couldn't deny that it was more than a little disconcerting to see the great Justin Foley practically begging to take refuge in his girlfriend’s ex’s garage because he had nowhere else to turn. It was moments like these that forcefully reminded Alex to remember that everyone, every single, living, breathing human being, hides the worst parts of themselves from the rest of the world. Hell, Hannah Baker DIED and became the perfect example of this, and himself and Justin, Jessica, Clay, Tony, and everyone were drowning in the consequences of their actions, and STILL people are afraid to pick up the mess that they made because that means taking responsibilities, and everyone is too goddamn afraid to face their messes, and-

“Your parents don’t have to know. I can climb to your window.”

Well. That’s certainly an...interesting prospect. He and Justin, alone and together, in his bedroom. Together. Alex could only stare, his mind lost in the many possibilities of what could happen from there.   

“Alex, who is it?” Alex, once again shaken to his senses, could only blink in response to his father’s question. Thankfully, Justin was able to respond perfectly well. It seemed that even in the darkest circumstances, Justin’s irresistible charm still prevailed.

Wait. Irresistible charm? Alex shook his head; he REALLY needed some sleep. If only his insomnia could disappear so he could actually get some.

“You alright, Alex?” The dark haired boy casually placed a hand on Alex’s shoulder, his head tilting in concern.

“Y-yeah, fine.” Justin nodded, patted his shoulder a few times, then went inside the house to catch up with Alex’s dad.

Alex stayed outside to watch the cars rush through the night, and although the night was a little cold, the heat that Justin’s hand left filled his entire body with a blissful warmth.

Chapter Text

When he began to feel exhaustion pull at his eyelids, Alex left the porch and headed to the kitchen.

The room was completely deserted except for Justin, who was devouring the leftover steak. Alex faintly smiled, but then let his lips fall into a frown as he wondered how long it had been since Justin had actually eaten a real meal that didn’t consist solely of cheap alcohol.

“Hey man, you could choke, so like...don’t choke.” Alex felt a strong desire to slap himself. Apparently his abundance of cunning wit and amazing conversational skills knew no bounds.

“This steak is the shit!”

Alex’s slight smile returned once more at the other’s enthusiasm. Justin glanced up from his meal and grinned back at Alex, his uninhibited joy somehow overpowering the dark circles that had taken permanent residence under his eyes in the last few days.

Alex wondered if Justin had insomnia too, or nightmares, or both.

“Your dad cooks?” Justin asked, picking up another strip of steak.

“No, my mom cooks, my dad grills.”

“Cool,” Justin nodded. Alex made his way over to the sink to begin washing the dishes, starting with his dad’s favorite knife. After he had scrubbed away at the utensil until it reached pristine condition, Alex grasped the sleek handle in one hand while using the other to dry the blade.

Hannah probably did this, held her blade so tight that her knuckles turned white, mere moments before she killed herself. You should have stopped her.

You could have stopped her.

…

You didn’t stop her.

Startled out of his mind, Alex sliced the blade into his towel-covered hand, the thin fabric staining dark red.

“Shit,” Alex hissed, the knife falling from his clutch into the sudsy water below. Justin, who had been staring intently at his phone, turned his head towards the sound.

Wait. Where the hell did those thoughts come from?

Justin set the phone down onto the counter and went to Alex’s side, shutting off the water and taking Alex’s injured hand into his own.

“Jesus, what the hell did you do?” Justin removed the towel from the bloody appendage, grabbed a new paper towel from the nearby rack, and with more gentleness than Alex could have ever imagined him of being capable of, gently dabbed the blood away from the cut. Once he had cleared most of the excess blood, the wound appeared much less severe than it originally had.

Alex released a breath he hadn’t even known he was holding.

Justin soaked and added soap to another paper towel, and returned to tending Alex’s hand. When the blond hissed in pain at the resulting sting, Justin rolled his eyes. “Yeah, it’s gonna fucking sting, that’s what you get for being a careless dumbass.”

Leave it to none other than Justin Foley himself to berate him about safety. However, Alex knew that he had to thank Justin for helping him. He couldn’t remember the last time someone had cared for a simple injury of his, like a cut; Alex had learned how to take care of any minor casualties himself thanks to having a nurse for a mom.

His dad would never let him hear the end of it if he tried to ask for help for a stupid cut.

But he couldn’t deny that having someone else tend to his gash was nice.

“...Justin?”

“Hm?”

“Thanks, man.”

Justin nodded in return, tossing the dirty towel into the trash. “Guess my coaches lecturing me about first-aid care actually came in handy.”

Alex smirked ruefully, but then winced in pain. His face, although healing well, still remained sore from Montgomery’s merciless pummeling.

“Don’t suppose you could fix up my face too?”

Perhaps his lack of sleep had just finally caught up to him, but for a single, fleeting moment, Alex could’ve sworn that Justin’s expression had morphed into one of longing. It revealed itself through the way his eyes marginally scrunched up and the almost imperceptible bite of his lower lip. Alex would even go so far as to use the word “desperate” to describe the short-lived emotion he was almost certain he had witnessed.

It was probably just his imagination, though.

“I don’t think there’s anything I can do to fix ugliness, Standall. You’re stuck there.”

Justin’s callous statement was all the confirmation that Alex needed to assure that he just needed to sleep for at least three hours in a row.

Alex pried his wounded hand from Justin’s hold, and cradled it to his chest. Justin, who appeared a little more than affronted, glared at the other boy.

“What the hell?! It was just a joke, don’t get your fucking panties in a twist.”

Holding his hands up in mock surrender, Justin backed away from Alex and threw the soiled paper towels into the trash can, letting the lid fall with a resounding thud. He not-too-gently shoved Alex aside to wash his hands, deliberately avoiding any eye contact.

Alex abandoned the tense kitchen and entered the bathroom to look for band aids. With heavy arms, he pried open the mirror-door of his cabinet while doing his best to avoid his reflection.

He scanned through the cabinet until his eyes came across a little box of razor blades.

You know what to do. It’s all your fault, right?

Alex slammed the cabinet shut and grasped onto the cold counter as if it was his lifeline; and in that moment, it was.

He tries to focus on catching his breath, but can only manage to rob jagged breaths from the air. When Alex opens his mouth to take a large, controlled, inhale, something like a mangled cross between a whimper and a croak emerges.

“ALEX! Are you alright in there?!” Justin yelled through the door. Alex can see the door’s handle frantically jiggle.

In a few short strides, the blond reaches the door. Once he’s sure he’s composed himself enough, Alex unlocks and opens the door.

For his part, Justin looks like he’s seen a ghost. Actually, it looks like he is the ghost. Sweat trickles down his forehead, the fluorescent lighting of the bathroom drawing attention to every drop. His skin has achieved a paleness that competes, if not beats, Alex’s own fair complexion. Justin’s hands clutch his shirt at his sides, but Alex can see how they still shake under the fabric.

Alex doesn’t think he’s ever seen Justin more...scared, even when they were in the car together with Justin’s friends. Alex kept pressing the gas pedal down, watching the hand of the speedometer move a little to the right with each new ounce of pressure.

Alex remembers feeling unstoppable, invincible.

He really misses that feeling.     

“Alex!” Justin’s shaking him now, hands that were once gripping fabric were now gripping his shoulders for dear life. “Come on, snap out of this!”

“Sorry,” Alex murmurs, his head still a tad hazy, but still able to look at Justin with wide eyes. “Why do you look so scared?”

Justin recoils at the word, “scared”, and retracts his hands from Alex’s shoulder. Alex chooses not to comment on the hesitance of the release.

“I just thought, you were, I thought… I don’t know what I thought.” Justin releases a short and awkward laugh, using his palm to wipe away the sheen on his forehead, getting himself together again.

It was his cry of pain. The slam. Alex knows what Justin thought. And Alex knows that Justin knows what he thought.

He wants to say something to Justin to let him know that he understands, anything, but all that comes out is a weak, “Are you still hungry? We’ve got ice cream in the freezer.”

Justin offers a watery smile in response. “Chocolate?”

“Hell yeah.”

Alex knows that they’ve got a hell of a lot of talking to do, but for now, chocolate ice cream gets the message across just fine.

Chapter Text

Once the last of the chocolate ice cream was eaten and the dirty bowls were left in the sink for tomorrow, the exhausted teens headed upstairs to get ready for bed.

Justin’s eyes still remained fixated on his phone. He hadn’t put it down at all since he and Alex finished their dessert.  

Alex understood why Justin couldn’t bear to part from the device. He couldn’t imagine being in the other’s position, unable to rest because his beloved girlfriend and best friend may have abandoned him for good.

To have created and so carefully cultivated these precious relationships only to have them unravel one’s heart apart causes pain in ways that words cannot sufficiently convey. From personal experience, Alex comprehends this better than most.

The blond remembers that day, one of the luckiest (or unluckiest, depending on the angle it's viewed from) days of his life in such great detail that it could’ve happened yesterday, when two beautiful girls marched to his table to confront him about which one of them he was checking out, and consequently changed his life. Jessica and Hannah had offered him both salvation from his crushing loneliness and friendships that could’ve lasted for their entire lives.

Now here he was, a few months later, alone once more, but full of insomnia and self-hate.

If only he was considerate enough to think of Hannah before himself, instead of going out with Jessica.

If only he had helped Hannah get together with Clay, and maybe he and Jessica and Hannah and Clay would be double dating and hanging out and doing all sorts of normal, teenager things.

If only he had never made that stupid list and permanently destroyed his friendships with both girls.

Alex rubbed his bleary eyes, the simple action draining him of almost all his remaining energy, not that he had that much to begin with.

People say that when you have a bad day, everything feels better the next morning.

Bullshit. Obviously that didn’t work for Hannah.

It didn’t seem to be working very well for him either.

The skinny boy glanced at Justin, whose eyes were beginning to glaze over from the strain of staring at his screen for so long.

“So, uh, you can take the bed. I’ll sleep on the floor.” Alex’s words breaking him out of his trance, Justin turned to face him.

“No, man, I’ll take the floor. It’s your place.” Alex opened his mouth to retaliate, but then stopped himself. Despite Justin’s less than stellar circumstances, he was still attempting to retain what was left of his stubborn pride.

Looking back, the blond realized that it must have taken a hell of a lot of swallowed pride for Justin to plead to stay in his garage or even climb to his window during the night for a place to stay.

Alex understood that no matter how much the darker haired boy needed to sleep in an actual bed, it might hurt him even more if he denied Justin’s last attempt to salvage what he could of his ego.

“Alright, fine. I’ll get extra blankets from downstairs, but there should already be some in my closet.” When he saw the tiny but triumphant smile emerge upon Justin’s face, Alex knew that he had made the right call.

Slightly satisfied with himself, Alex left his bedroom and went downstairs to grab the extra sheets for Justin.

The blond rummaged through the shelves until he found the extra bedsheets. He hoisted them into his tired arms, and it was honestly a miracle that he made it to the kitchen table before his knees gave out.

Collapsing into a chair, he emitted a weak groan and rested his head on the table.

How long had it been since he slept? A day, two, a little less than three?

Maybe it should’ve concerned him that he forgot, but before Alex could really think much about it, he was out like a light.

“Alex?” Justin whispered, descending the stairs while being cautious of the creaks. He shone his phone’s flashlight around, trying to strange discern shapes in the dark with his bleary vision.

When he had woken up, he was all alone and more than a little disoriented at waking up in an unfamiliar environment. Justin didn’t even remember falling asleep; he must have been exhausted at a new level if even his insomnia couldn’t keep him awake.

Justin abruptly stopped in his tracks. He heard a noise, and it sounded like it was coming from the kitchen.

A sob. A harsh wheeze, a sharp gasp, and another, more broken sob.

Justin ran into the kitchen, any noise he created on the way be damned, where an awful sight greeted him; Alex, hysterical and in tears, sitting alone at the table in darkness with the forgotten blankets crumpled up on the floor beside him.

He soundlessly moved to where Alex was sitting, trying his hardest not to startle him in his distressed state.

“Alex?” The boy in question lifted his head as though the action took more energy than he could spare. He didn’t make eye contact with Justin, though. Alex stared straight ahead, and the darker haired teen could see that while the blond was physically in the same room as him, he was millions of light years away in his mind.  

“It was just like this. The day I met them. I was here, all alone, and they saved me...just like angels.” Alex spoke in a quiet, monotone voice that dropped so low at the mention of angels that Justin needed to strain to hear him, even at his close proximity.

Justin had no idea how to approach the situation. Alex was obviously lost in his thoughts, and way too tired to be convinced to think rationally again. The dismayed blond needed sleep as soon as possible.

“That’s nice, Alex,” placated Justin, “but it’s time for bed now.” Alex, his glazed eyes at last meeting Justin’s, shook his head.

“No...the nightmares will come back.” Justin frowned, his head tilting in thought.

“You’ve been having nightmares?  

“Mmhm. About...you know what.”

Justin paused. He wasn’t sure if now, with Alex in his most vulnerable state, they should be having this conversation.

However, it seemed that he didn't have a choice when out of the blue, Alex snapped his head toward Justin, glaring at him with such pure, unrestrained hatred that he actually stumbled backwards.

“How could you do that! How do you live with yourself?! I know that I’ve done some fucked up shit, and I know I’m not innocent either, but at least I’m not living in fucking denial!” It was a struggle to force the words out with a raspy voice and post-crying voice, but Alex managed to spit out each and every word with detest.

Shocked, Justin gaped at the other boy, and then narrowed his eyes. Clenching his fists, he struggled to find any last ounce of patience to prevent him from lashing back. He had to be rational and calm, for Alex's sake.

“You’re just as bad as Bryce, you know. Worse, even. Wanna know what’s worse than being a rapist? Hiding behind one.”

Unfortunately, Justin had run out of patience a long time ago.

He felt his arm swing before he registered it. Justin didn't even remember moving it, as if all of his senses became numb for those few seconds.

Justin saw the damage before realizing he was the one who had caused it. Alex’s eye began to swell, with undertones of red already beginning to show.

Alex didn’t say one word, and didn’t move one inch.

Justin didn’t either.

Chapter Text

“Shit, Alex, I-I didn’t- it was- I can’t-...,” Justin stammers, breaking the heavy, unbearable silence that had fallen upon the kitchen.

Justin shifted his gaze to anywhere except Alex’s eyes. He didn’t think he’d ever have the courage to look at them again; not after this. Not after shattering his already too-fragile trust like this.

Alex still didn’t say anything. Concerned, Justin forced himself to steal a quick glance at the blond to see what was happening, but only moments later, Justin almost wished he hadn’t.

Alex’s entire body remained still in a way that only one who had experienced true fear physically could. Tears escaped and fled from his tired, hurt eyes, while his chapped lips pressed and tightened together. However, despite all of these horrible symptoms, the one thing that stood out to Justin the most was how simply tired Alex was.

He was tired of being let down by his father, his friends, tired of being constantly reminded of how he let down Hannah, tired of trying to run from his problems, tired of trying to cope with his problems by hurting himself even more…

Alex was just tired of everything.

Kneeling with one leg on the ground, Justin softly cleared his throat to gain Alex’s attention. The almost-blond turned his head and looked down with resigned eyes towards the darker haired boy’s knees, unable to make eye contact.

“Alex. Please look at me,” Justin whispered, gazing at the blond’s face. Alex tilted his head up, allowing his empty eyes to meet Justin’s soft ones.

“I am so, so sorry for hitting you. There’s no excuse for that at all. No matter how fucked up everything gets, you don’t deserve to be abused by anyone. I don’t expect forgiveness, and it’s a miracle that you’re still even bothering to listen to anything that comes out of my mouth right now. I just- please, whatever you do, whether you hit me back or anything, please don’t hurt yourself because I was being an asshole. You-, I-,” and Justin’s eloquence once again crumbles into dust as powerful waves of guilt conquer his thoughts.

Alex didn’t say anything for a few moments; he blinked a few times, then grabbed a napkin from the table and held it out for Justin to take. After attempting to swallow the lump stuck in his throat, Alex mumbled, “Here. You’re crying.”

Eyes widening in surprise, Justin wiped his hand across his cheek to feel tears he hadn’t even noticed. He gently accepted the napkin and scrubbed his face, then crumpled it up and put it in his pocket. It was only after he had finished clearing his face from his tears that he realized somehow, Alex was the one taking care of him, when it definitely should have been the other way around.

“Here, let me get you some ice for your eye. Shit, I should’ve gotten you something so much earlier, just give me a second.”

Justin got up to and started to head toward the freezer, until Alex jumped out of his seat to stop him.

“No, no, it’s fine, I can get it. I was just being stupid, I should’ve gotten something myself earlier. You...” Alex hesitated, but shook his head and forced himself to speak, “You don’t have to do anything extra to make up for hitting me, you already apologized. It’s nice of you, but it’s really fine.”

Justin stopped dead in his tracks, then turned around to face the blond.

“Jesus Christ, Alex, do you actually consider me helping you heal an injury that I gave you going above and beyond the call of duty? I should have already done this and more! I care about you, and I know that sounds like complete bullshit coming from my mouth, I do, but I care about you, Alex, and it kills me to see you like this. Me helping you isn’t me trying to earn forgiveness to stop helping you - I want to help you, and take care of you, you idiot.”

Alex looked at Justin with an undecipherable emotion behind his eyes. Suddenly, he smirked at the darker haired boy, an expression that caught the other completely off-guard.

“Only Justin Foley could tell me he really cares about me while kind of insulting me at the same time.” Justin’s previously bemused expression morphed into remorse.

“I didn’t mean to insult you when I said that, I just meant-,” Justin corrected himself, but Alex cut him off before he could continue.

His sly smirk now a soft, genuine smile, Alex said, “I know what you meant, Justin, I’m just teasing you.”

For all of the shit Justin had done, he had no idea how he managed to have this cute, forgiving boy standing across from him in his life.

Grinning back at the blond, Justin said, “Very funny, Standall. You can go upstairs back to bed, if you want. I’ll bring up ice for your eye.” He made sure to give Alex a choice, and made a mental note to continue doing this in the future. Although Alex had demonstrated an admirable amount of forgiveness towards Justin, Justin knew that he still had a long way to go to earn Alex’s trust.

The blond thought for a moment, then nodded and began to head up the stairs. Justin watched him go, and was once again reminded of just how exhausted Alex was from watching his lethargic gait.

“Alex?” Justin whispered into Alex’s dimly-lit bedroom, entering quietly with an ice pack wrapped in paper towels in his hand. He heard soft breathing upon entering and turned to see the other boy fast asleep in bed.

Justin smiled at the sight. He debated whether or not to place the ice pack on the boy’s eye, but ultimately decided against it, knowing that it would probably just end up slipping off Alex’s face anyway. He place the pack on the side table, and was about to fall asleep on the floor next to the bed, when his phone started vibrating from his pocket.

Groaning softly at the interruption, he got up and left the bedroom to avoid disturbing Alex, when he finally saw who was calling him.

Jessica.

He had almost forgotten about her.

Justin hastily answered, and when the conversation ended, he was about to go downstairs and head to Bryce’s, until he heard Alex say something from the bedroom.

He walked back into the room, preparing to ask the blond about driving to Bryce’s, until Justin realized that Alex was still asleep, and just sleep-talking.

“No... I’m sorry...please, I’m sorry…,” Alex murmured, tossing and turning in discomfort. Justin sat on the edge of his bed and caressed his hair while making shushing sounds, something that he did with Jessica.

Used to do, at least. Not so much anymore.

Alex leaned into Justin’s touch, relaxed, and his body stilled once more.

In the future, Justin would blame what he was about to do on the fact that it was 2:18 in the morning and the corresponding fact that he was tired as hell. Realistically, however…

Justin knows he would do it a thousand times over.

Before leaving the room, Justin leaned over and planted a tender kiss on Alex’s forehead.

“Goodnight, Alex. Sleep tight.”