Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Apologizing –Episode: 73

"I don't know where you are or if you even look at these anymore, but if you're watching…. Well Darcy, I'm sorry. Some things have happened and I've come to a shocking realization."

The ironically cheery theme music cuts in.

Lizzie stared at the camera for a few moments. She asked herself if she should do this. She told herself she had to. It just seemed right. She embarrassed him in front of millions of strangers, it was time for some humility herself. This is her video diary, it's all or nothing.

"Well, I have a lot to say and I think I should start with this- You gave me a letter. That letter was something unexpected. I'll be honest in saying I thought it would be full of pride, doucheyness, and totally snobbish remarks. I thought you'd be bitter or upset in my rejection. But as usual, I was wrong. You opened my eyes, gave me an insight to something deeply personal.

"I really hope you're okay with me sharing this but I have something to prove. You are an honest person, someone a lot better than me. I always made you out to be a complete jerk in my videos and these few sentences negate that. It was the last paragraph of you letter and I quote, ' Part of me will always love you. It's okay, because I will try to let go of my hopes. I hope you'll have a good life, just like I hope I to have one at all without you in it.' "

Lizzie paused and thought to herself before moving on. That part always resulted in strongly conflicting emotions of guilt and hope.

"And then I got a phone call. Someone told be me that I needed to back off, that I would dirty your name with my acquaintance. She, I mean they, seemed to think you still loved me or at least wanted to be with me. To them, too many things were wrong with my personality. Too many things to be good enough for you."

Crap, Lizzie could feel the tears start to make her choke. Her hand covered her mouth and her head turned to look around the room. No, she had to keep filming. She was making things right. After taking a deep breath, she went on.

"I think that there are a lot of things wrong with me. One of those things would have to be my narrow-mindedness. It led me to hate you, a guy who loved me for everything he saw. Every time I was with you, I was disgustingly rude. You didn't even seem fazed by my attitude. It's almost like you looked past that mind-set and saw my actual personality . . . and you still liked me! I guess the best thing about being me is I'm limited edition. There are no other copies…. But I digress."

Her voice choked up again. She took a moment to compose herself. You can do this, you can do this , she chanted to herself mentally. When she finally spoke again, it was strained and full of emotion.

"And it sucks," she stressed ", when you know that you need to let something go and leave it in the past, but you can't, because you're still waiting for the impossible to happen."

"I botched something that could have easily been perfection. . . That's the thing. I'll never know now," she paused, wondering if she could do it, if she could tell him. For the third time, she gazed into the camera. It was like she was in her own little world, if just for a little while.

"I love you. I can't even begin to describe how I figured this out but, I guess it doesn't really matter anymore. I'm just a little too late now and you're a little too gone."

She wiped at her eyes. You're almost done, you can do this, she convinced herself. She took a steadying breath and plowed forward.

"I don't smile as much now that we've stopped talking. . . or arguing I guess," she added quietly ", I'm not entirely sure what that means."

/\\\\/\\\\

And the screen was black. There was no music, no advertising the next video, no credits, just black.

In the description section of the video there was only one sentence. 'The sad part is we weren't even together and he still broke my heart.'

/\\\\/\\\\

Darcy stared at his computer screen in shock. He had been watching each of her videos in a self torturing fashion, just to hear her talk. In her videos it always felt like she was talking to him but in this one, she really was. She was apologizing to him. She was declaring love for him. She was hurting because of him.

This changed everything.

Chapter Text

(Part Two)

"Elizabeth," Darcy breathed her name to the camera. Looking at the lens, his determination built. His mind flurried with emotion and thoughts of the future ran wild. He paused before beginning his awkward salutation.

"I've never been good with words. I tend to organize and over think my speech. I admit to have contemplated for hours on what to say in this message."

He paused before moving onto the first topic he felt the need to attend to. In her video she'd done a lot of things. She'd apologized, she'd confessed, but the thing that really got to him was she'd been on the verge of tears by the end.

"You need not apologize for the way I am portrayed in you videos. What I see as a courteous evasion, others see as social censure. I acted in such a fashion as to blemish my character in your eyes. If apologies are necessary, as I stated previously in my letter they must be given from me and myself only."

"I need to apologize for hurting you. I've done that far too often."

His voice was strained and his eyes pleading.

"I've said things I will always find lamentable. I managed to insult your family, yourself, and friends in the course of a few minutes. I'm not sure how to make this right. All I know is my regret. I was wrong."

That was new, he thought, he never liked admitting wrongdoing. This though, this confession was nice. It took a minute weight off of his chest. It was time for more confessing, more lifting of guilt.

"I said you weren't pretty," he paused and contemplated his next words ", That was uncalled for , unsubstantiated and you were never meant to hear it. You're not pretty, you're stunningly beautiful. So much so, I wasn't willing to admit it. I wasn't ready to admit I found you attractive. . . I'm not good with social gatherings, Elizabeth, I never have been. That is not an excuse though. If I were you . . . let the record state I would not be on good terms with myself."

"From the moment I met you, Elizabeth. . . it was an obsession. At first, I admit I labeled it mere curiosity. You were just so distinctive and new. It wasn't until later on that I figured out what I really wanted. You treated me in such a way- well; it was only a matter of time before I found myself completely besotted. I went to that bar for you, I went to the library for you, I stayed at Bing's, all for you. I needed to be near. The words you spoke to me always sounded of honesty. You're not afraid of people and I envy and adore you for that."

He was still sitting. His physical appearance was immaculate but not a true depiction of himself. Suit and tie were symmetrical and untarnished. Emotions and mind were crazy and contorted.

"So far, I've said a lot of things I should probably edit out. But I won't because it's real andyou," he stressed ", deserve real. Especially from me, Lizzie."

"If you want to talk to me . . . ask Jane. I requested Bing to give her my personal number. There are things, even more personal than this, that I need to converse with you about. "

Will looked straight into the camera, one last time before signing off. His lips curved into a small hopeful smile, the first to be seen from him in while.

"I could love you, better than anyone else ever could, if you'd let me. I already do."

With that, he pressed the stop button on his camera and moved to the computer. He had to publish it before he lost the nerve. To assure she saw it, he made a video response to her latest upload.

Under the description he put simply-

Elizabeth. Nothing is more painful than realizing you hurt the one person who means the world to you. Please, just call me. I'd fly out as soon as you would let me.

Chapter Text

The start of this video was different.

"Hey Internet! I'm Lizzie Bennet and this," Lizzie grabs the camera and turns it around. After a couple shakes and a fumble, the viewer can see the fuzzy outline of a person. At the end of this little bustle, the lens is focused onto a familiar face.

"…is William Darcy."

He gives a shy half smile in the cameras direction. His eyes are a bit brighter and his ambience a bit lighter. His overall appearance is much improved from his latest video as is Lizzies. The theme music cuts into the surprising salutation.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"Hey guys! Charlotte Lu here."

Lizzies best friend took over the screen. She decided early on to make an appearance after the theme song and introduction rolled. Secretly, she loved it when she had the time to help Lizzie edit a video. She asked personally if she could edit this one in particular. She enjoyed putting in her own little teasings and messages.

"Lizzie videotaped a lot this time. If I kept it all in, well, it would be longer than the lines on Black Friday. It wasn't easy but… I think I got everything you guys really want to see in here."

Miss Lu was crazy excited for her friend. Lizzie deserved someone who saw the brilliance inside of her. That same brilliance was something Charlotte saw in her friend since childhood. If one thing was to be true and everlasting in the universe, it was that Elizabeth Bennet didn't settle.

With a smirk, Charlotte gave a mock salute and switched the feed back to the dynamic duo who sat together in Lizzies Room.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"Yeah," said a slightly awkward Darcy. He looked between Lizzie and the camera a few times with darting glances. She gave him a smile and took over the dialogue.

"I'll give you a quick rundown, audience. The first thing that needs cleared up is the letter. " At this point, Darcy literally stiffened. That statement alone seemed to put some steel in his spine. Even though he seemed uncomfortable, he didn't object to the topic.

"I'm not going to read it aloud or anything but…. You know how I used to be convinced this guy over here was a jerk? Well, he's not. You know how I though Wick was so great? Again, he's not. You know how I thought Bing was a jerk?" there was a slight pause as Lizzie brought her hands up in surrendering gesture ", Wrong again."

Darcy cut in and looked at the camera ", None of these misinterpretations were Elizabeths fault though. I allowed her to misinformed as to the character of those around me. I acted in a way that would inevitably tarnish my name. I was a … Snobby Mr. Douchey. I am simply glad that she knows now. That she knows everything."

They smiled at each other in mutual forgiveness.

"At least I don't fake text around you anymore," he supplied. He knew how much in annoyed her to see him evading people.

"It's a good start. Now we need to get you to stop the pseudo messages in general."

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"And.. . It's really cute when he's jealous.

"Hey- I don't get jealous. I'm okay with other guys talking to you… as long as they're taken or gay- Scratch that. I'll have to make an approved list." He paused as if in deep thought, "Me, Bing, your dad, and Fitz. . .maybe Fitz."

With a laugh, she said ",See? Adorable. He's even learning to tease."

"Who says I'm teasing?" he replied with a taunting smile. Lizzie giggled again and gave him a light punch to the arm.

"You make me different Elizabeth Bennet. Just a few days with you and I'm teasing! My aunt would be appalled."

Lizzie's eyes lit up and, after announcing she'd be back in a second, she sprinted out of the frame. Without her there, Darcy looked away from the camera, avoiding its anonymous gaze. He seemed to busy himself with adjusting his cuff links until she came back. The guy was awkward, almost to the point of pure hilarity.

When she did finally reappear, he couldn't suppress his laughter. Her floral glasses had been donned and she was holding an ugly stuffed dog. Before ever speaking, she turned her countenance into a grimace and started to pet the fake animal.

"Daaaaaaaaarcy," she began in a nasally impression of Catherine, "She's studying in English. You can't make a living off of that. Not to mention that she doesn't fence, she hasn't made thousands of dollars yet, and she doesn't live up to my absurdly impossible standards."

Darcy was red faced and smiling as he said in an equally obnoxious, but obviously deeper, voice, "Oh Elizabeth, would you be dear and take Anikins'-"

He dissolved into a fit of laughter before he could finish. He had ALWAYS wanted to do that. Catherine De Bourgh had to be the worst family member he possessed. She controlled, she yelled, she judged, and most of all she picked. She picked at his decisions. She picked at his ideas. She picked at Lizzie.

He had to draw a line somewhere.

Aunt Cathy had all these plans for Darcy, plans jeopardized by a certain Bennet girl. William wasn't completely sure if his relation had been serious. Her call had eliminated all uncertainty. His aunt had called Elizabeth, telling her to back off. Somehow, she got it stuck in her head that his life was a game of monopoly she could- well… monopolize.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

"Haha, I knew there was someone equally crazy as me under all that introvert."

"Really?" he asked with a raised brow ",If memory serves, you seemed to think me quite snobbish. Robot with buggy programming for social interaction . . . and that's verbatim. I didn't think there would be room for this crazy you speak of in my encoding."

Elizabeth groaned and put her face in her hands, temporarily cutting her out of view. She asked in a slight grumble if he had to watch each video and commit it to memory. He replied in a dutiful voice that each video held vital information to this budding relationship and that he needed to comprehend the extent of their substance.

"I am glad though, that you think I'm like you in the least. I always admired the spark in your eyes when we argued."

"I think you mean the glare when we argued," she replied with a smile. She then decided to add ", Anyways, everyone is crazy . . . somewhere inside of them. Some people are just better at hiding it. You are great at hiding it."

There was a slight silence as they just looked at each other. They had this mutual craziness but, in addition to that, they had this clichéd connection. They said things without saying them. It had taken them a while to get this attachment in synch, one person had even discovered it before the other, but it was still there. Some people may compare it a fairy tale. Others could say it resembles the makings of classic romance novel. These two had something all of their own.

"I love you, Elizabeth."

"You're okay, Darcy. You're okay."

She said this with a smile. This smile spoke the words she wasn't quite ready to say yet, at least not to his face. Sure, she had admitted her affection in the last video but . . . it was different faced to face. This smile said I love you when the person herself couldn't. There were feelings that had never infiltrated the mind of a certain vlogger. While convinced it was something big, Lizzie Bennet was saving the L word for another day. Whenever he watched the video in which she confessed her love for him, William Darcy could only hope that the day would come soon.

Chapter Text

"Hello, Internet!"

Today's video doesn't take place in her room. The ambiance is pretty bland. The room is huge and grey, the seat she sits in is black, and the art hanging behind her a monotone abstract. The pieces of furniture in the background are easily as cold. Modernistic desks and chairs line the walls along with an uncomfortable looking couch. Shudder. It looks like something straight out a cooperate journal. It resembles Collins & Collins, that is, if Collins & Collins looked like it possessed desks worth thousands.

There is a redeeming quality though, the entire back wall is a window. Through it a blurry outline of a cityscape is seen. Blue pushes on the edges of the view, an indication of water in the distance perhaps.

Despite her surroundings, she looks shockingly gleeful. Lizzie Bennet looks so happy it's disgusting. She looks movie star happy. She looks kid on Christmas morning happy. Dare to say it, she looks…. In love happy.

Medically speaking, it's adorable.

"I'm Lizzie Bennet and," she pauses as yet another person and chair roll into the frame. In this seat, there's a smiling William Darcy.

"Life. Is. Good."

The music rolls on in, right on cue.

Lizzie and Darcy sit side beside… sort off. Darcy is sitting, quit stiffly and with a bit (a lot) of awkwardness. Lizzie though, well she busies herself by spinning in the chair for a few moments. After finally ebbing her speed down and waiting for the disorientation to fade, she begins her introduction.

"Right now, we are in Darcy humongous office. Seriously. It's crazy big. There is a reason we're here, but that's another story for another video."

Darcy hands her an Ipad with text scrawled onto its screen.

"We are going to answer some questions today. We had Fitz pick them out soooooo…. I'm not sure what to expect. It could be kind of long."

"He spent hours last night collecting them. Hours. I'm actually kind of anxious. You never know what he has up his sarcastic tuna fish sleeve."

"Sarcastic tuna fish?" asked a thoroughly confused Lizzie. Darcy gives a slight shrug.

"He called be an agoraphobic lobster. I'm perfectly justified in my aquatic burn."

"Okaaay…. " says a still slightly confuzzled Bennet girl. She looks down at the Ipad, trying not to think about the failure just committed. "Anyways, our first question comes from Brian K. on twitter."

Every time I think I get her I don't. What should I do?

"You'll never understand her. I guarantee it." This reply comes from our favorite English major. Lizzie.

"I understand you." And this rebuttal from our favorite introvert. Darcy.

"You grasp the important parts… most of the time." And there goes Lizzie, taking the word cryptic to a new level.

"What do you mean most of- " Darcy dives in for one last attempt but is quickly intercepted.

"Next question! Whoa, this is kind of a long one."

Hello, I recently had the pleasure of meeting your sister. Lydia, that is.
She's not as bad as everyone thinks she is. After talking to her… well…
I think it could really be something. But I'm afraid. While I know we'd
great, she doesn't seem to be interested in guys like me. I don't want to
party, I'd rather study. I'm that guy. So, what I'm asking Miss Bennet
is… should I go for it?

-Anonymous For Now, personal email

There is a little note on the bottom from Fitz. This part she omits from her oration.

C'mon Lizzie B. Help a guy out. He's a good friend of mind AND he really likes her.

"Aww…. How sweet!" Lizzie absolutely gushes over the message. She's wanted someone like this for Lydia for so long. And with the personal message, she is convinced that Fitz genuinely knows the guy. He must have spoken to her that one day when-

"She's crazy. Get out. Now."

"WILLIAM DARCY. I hope you step on a Lego!"

"Fine, fine – I take it back. She'd love you."

Lizzie turns back to the camera with a satisfied smirk. Darcy silently makes 'She's crazy' and 'Get out' motions with his hands, completely forgetting Lizzie will see him later. While coming to respect her, William still finds 'The Lydia Bennet' a terrifying force. He stops with his warnings in time for Lizzie to give an actual answer.

"Talk to Fitz, Mr. Anonymous. He can connect you guys. Personally, I say go for it."

She holds up the ipad for the camera to see. She gives it a little wiggle before setting it back into reading position.

"Now let's see what our next question is."

She looks at the screen and starts to read aloud. The question itself is… upfront and unanticipated to say the least.

HEY! WHY NO KISSING IN THE LAST VID? I SWEARS.I CANT EVEN- I SHIPPED YOU TWO FROM LIKE THE BEGINNING OF THE BEGINNING. YOU OWE US THIS. CAN YOU KISS?

-Alyssa R. , facebook

A slight blush covers Elizabeth's face. She quick to respond with her secure answer.

"We're not really into public displays-"

Darcy shifted quickly and tilted his face to fit hers. For a second, she could feel their breaths mingle before interlocking. The moments in which their lips touched were brief but meaningful. When he leaned back from the kiss he sat considerably closer to Lizzie, whose face was, in his mind, a charming shade of pink.

She felt on fire. She felt special and wanted and feminine all at the same time. She felt, for the first time in a long time, like perfection.

Pretty great, for a first kiss and all.

"Alyssa R. on Facebook, You are welcome," said a satisfied Darcy. It was better than he had ever imagined. It took far too much effort to restrain himself from giving her a small peck on the cheek, so he did. He smiled and took the ipad from his slightly stunned companion. He cleared his throat and began the final question for the day.

"From Emma G. on facebook…"

When do you know it's love?

Just when she was about to respond to the age old problem, Lizzie's phone rang. Seeing it was her mother, she knew she had to take it. The fear of rejecting the call was FAR greater than the annoyance of an interrupted video. She apologized to Darcy, saying she had to take it.

"We can retake this part in a few okay?"

"How about you go converse with your mother while I bring the video to a close?" asked Darcy.

Shocked but intrigued, Lizzie indisputably agreed. She left the room in a flourish to talk to her neurotic (but well meaning) mother. Darcy felt excited for his first flight alone (sans the nervousness.)

"Okay, Miss Emma, let us get down to it. Love is crazy. Unpredictable really. There are many types of love also. Of course there is love for your family and friends. We've all experienced that. There is also love of a romantic kind, when you both just want to be together," at this point he pauses ," And then there's another kind of love. The cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Unrequited love. Of that I am an expert."

"The point is, when it happens you'll know. You won't need me, a complete stranger, to tell you how it feels or when it happens. You'll feel it. It's like burning bliss. You're scared of the flame…. But you can't get enough."

William Darcy, eat your heart out.
It was then that Lizzie came back in. She slumped into her chair, a semi lifeless heap. She rubbed her temples and looked over at Darcy. Distress was written all over her features.

"That women is- ARGH. Would you be able to survive coming to dinner at my house on Thursday? She can't wait to", she started the slightly shrill imitation of her mother "Finally get to know the man that will save her poor daughter from destitution and the life of lonely LONELY spinster!"

Darcy merely laughed and smiled at her. He knew personally, that the dramatizations were not inaccurate in the slightest.

"Of course I'll come, Elizabeth. I love you. Even if a tad bit ridiculous at times, your family is the reason you are you. I'll be forever grateful for that."

"I love you too, William. I really do now."