Archive of Our Own ^beta

The most comfortable seat in the house is on the couch snuggled into my girl. Sometimes she’s resting her head on my chest and one of my arms is draped along her curves, her feet pointed away from me and I can feel her smile plump her cheeks with the sensitive inside of my arm. Other days she takes the seated position and I lounge on her. I love the soft of her; I can rest my head on her thighs, her belly, even her breasts. Any contact with her, and I have this incredible still point inside myself the likes of which I never knew before she crashed into my life and blew it up into something a thousand times better.

Today, her thighs are my pillow as she told me she wanted to play with my hair. She’s very careful as never having had this in my life before it can sometimes feel a little oversensitive so she trails soft and slow through my unruly curls dodging every knot that might stand sentinel against her free movement.

I’m not sure what she’s watching as I didn’t much care what it was, I just wanted to be near her for a while anyway. The colors shine across our faces and I focus back on my phone collecting cats in a game that lets me fidget quietly.

A soft vibration and I get the notice of a new email. It’s from Vanderwood. I flick to the next screen and scan it quickly. They don’t exactly say it in so many words, but it’s clear given the code we had together.

Alice is dead.

My former boss unable to ensnare me back into the underworld had paid with his life and was found in the Han river. Another person dead because of me.

I swipe a quick response to Vanderwood, and put my phone down. A steady stream of air rushes past my pursed lips.

Her fingers still.

“Saeyoung? Is everything okay?”

“Hmm? Yeah, it’s fine.”

“You tensed up.” She runs her thumb between my eyebrows. “You were all relaxed and then you got a crease right here. Can I help?”

I roll on my back to look up at her. Hair hangs in a soft wave against the side of her face obscuring part of one eye. In a mashup of smiling and worried, her lips can speak volumes even in silence. She probably sees the sad rueful smile that my heart twists my own lips into. Floating to brush the hair aside, my fingertips slip her hair behind her ear again so I can see her more fully.

“You do just by being here.”

“What happened?”

I want to shield her from my horrid past, but she gently scolds me when I do and like water she wears me away until she finds out. I run my hand up my face to under my glasses so I can rub my eyes. They wipe back down with a sigh as I know it’s futile to keep it from her. “Ahhh, just my old boss. They’re…” I trail off unable to say it to her face.

This hadn’t been the first time I’d received news like this. The first time, she asked me if it wasn’t better because I was safer with them gone. It took only moments for her to realize the weight I carried with me because of it. My eyes refocus on her lips all thinned into a line. Eyes crinkled with compassion, and a caress ruffled my hair back.

“It’s not your fault, you know,” she whispers.

I keep my tone light. “You can’t be sure. I might be cursed. I’ve broken so many of the commandments maybe there’s just a black cloud around me.” Now she’s grumpy. I know she hates it when I talk like this, but sometimes my tongue trips into it. I don’t say it to bring out the cute scowl she gets when she’s trying to figure out what fierce defense she’s going to…

“What good is a religion that makes you feel bad about yourself anyway?” My breath stops. Critical error. My eyes can’t open wide enough to get the light to focus again. “Seriously,” she continues innocently, “isn’t religion supposed to make you feel better? Like comforting in some way?”

“But… It’s… It’s not quite like that. I mean, I do get comfort from the fact that I might be forgiven.” The way that I shift however belies the contradiction that truly, I’m not comfortable and she has pinned me to the spot with her astute observation. I don’t feel better a lot of times, sure, but it satisfies the feeling that there’s an order to the world that eventually can be hacked. That I could plug in and find the hidden prize redemption from the original sin that formed me.

My multitude of sins, they’re bugs in the system and I know where each blip is, from the first time I broke into a system and stole the information to the last horrid thing I said to her. I find myself sliding off the couch, but I turn to kneel in front of my angel. My hair falls from between her fingertips. My eyes close and I just rest my cheek on her soft thighs from betwixt and below. I couldn’t explain to her why I moved to this position, but it feels right. Like I’m begging forgiveness from her for every regret I have for how I behaved toward her.

“I think you already are, Saeyoung.” Her voice drifts down like feathers, tickling my nose. It scrunches. I bury my face between her closed knees and murmur.
“Maybe. ”

“All I know is I see the sweetest most devoted friend, boyfriend, and brother. To me, you’re exactly the sort of person most worthy of love. You go to such lengths for the people you love; everything you’ve ever sacrificed has been for others. What’s more sacred than that?” Sharp as a bee sting, I feel the tears at the edges of my eyes. She always sees me in the best and most forgiving light. I’m not worthy of it. I’m not.

My voice is wistful and shaky when I look up at her, hoping she can’t see how wet my eyes actually are. “If only I could just worship you, I might be the most blessed man in existence then.”

“Maybe if you did, you’d know that you’re already forgiven a thousand times over.” Her lips quirk to the side as though she had just tasted something quite tart in contrast to the sweetness of her words.

The idea is so peculiar though, laughter leaps from my lips. The giggles break the seal on my eyes, but at least I get plausible deniability that the tears were the laughter’s fault and not the denigration in my own brain. “I can’t even imagine what a religion of you would look like. Oh goddess mine, what would be your commandments?”

Apparently my mirth, feigned or not, is contagious for her as I see her eyes alight with teasing. “Commandments mmm? You mean different from all the unsolicited advice I usually give you on a daily basis?”

“Of course! You can’t have a religion without rules! Tell me what to do!” Bouncing on my heels, I beam up at her. A most enjoyable game, even if there’s nothing serious about it. It distracts me from the gloom and I really could use all the distraction I can get. She is a most alluring distraction after all with her hair just so, illuminated by the muted tv to look almost like a halo. How appropriate for my angel.

“Thou shalt not take on other peoples’ burdens as your own,” she starts. Of course it is the burden of Alice’s passing that I have on my shoulders. But isn’t that mine to carry? Sure I didn’t actually dump him in the river, but if I had obeyed, if I had… No. It couldn’t have gone any other way. But the cost on my life being saved is that his could not be.

Her fingers pet my hair and her softness sends a tremor through me. I want to stay in that moment, but it’s fleeting so my eyes flutter open. “So what kind of punishment would breaking that one incur.”

“I think with any of them, you make your own punishment. Nothing could be worse than what you do to yourself.” Her answer cuts to the quick. No sugar coating, but also no blame; no external blame at least.

I ponder in silence for a moment. Realization dawn. “I get more of them?”

“You asked. I have a list already.”

I hum. Oh this could get fun.

She leans over and I can’t help but watch the way her shirt gaps. Distraction indeed. “Thou shalt not cultivate seeds of guilt and resentment.” Her fingers tickle unintentionally as she brushes the bare chest right above the cross that I always wear. Feels a little like lightning straight to my heart, to be honest. For as serious as her words are I’m torn between the weight of the news I had heard and a desperate need to toss it away and lose myself in anything other than thinking about that.

Besides, it’s as if she directly sees what’s going on. Guilt and resentment have been clouding my vision since I scanned that email instead of just being present with her. Punishing myself is second nature at that point.

I shake my head with a wry smile back up at her. “How am I going to harvest enough guilt and resentment fruits to get a business going? I can’t do freelance work forever, maybe I can be an entrepreneur. I bet the grocery would take them.”

Her finger bops my nose. “I think it would directly get in the way of your joy business and your cat business and your robot business… Those are better things to harvest.”

“My wise sweetie.” I’m full of fondness as she cuts away each of my arguments, silly or not. She won’t even really entertain them.

“Of course I’m wise. If I’m an angel or goddess like you say, I have to be wise, right?”

“Touché.”

“So next!” She’s very clearly getting into this, and I can’t help but drink in her enthusiasm which makes her following words a little ironic. “Thou shalt not let others diminish your own power.”

Funny, given the position I’m in kneeling before her, I can’t help but giggle. Maybe I really am blessed because the skirt she’s wearing flips up and I find myself kissing her knees gently such that she squirms. In pleasure or embarrassment, I’m not sure. Maybe both. “Haaaa, but what if I give it away?” If she is my goddess, then I am her petitioner and devotee this moment in adoration of her. Kisses are a very physical adoration.

“It’s not diminished, only lent then, yes?” The way she jumped on that she had anticipated my challenge. Perhaps I’m challenging too predictably. Maybe if she gets as distracted as I am, I can gain the upper hand even as I’m in supplication to her. I’m not really sure this is a game that can be won, but where would be the fun if I didn’t try?

“Well, can you really say it’s mine at that point or…”

“It is not diminished.” Her voice brooks no quarter on this one, and a delightful chill rolls up my spine. Maybe I don’t want to win after all. Maybe in supplication to her, I will win anyway. Even as she commands attention, it’s clear the little kisses I have been peppering her thighs with have spiced up her attention as well as I can see a vivid blush as I part her knees to kiss higher. But I love it on the occasions when she takes control.

Well, for as much as I can be directed.

“As my lady decrees, then.” I can’t help the smirk as I gaze over my glasses at her teasing higher with my kisses. The scent of her musk fills my air passages and I’m a little drunk on her. I love the way she’s receptive to my teasing and it excites her. The more she responds, the harder it is for me to pull back.

I nip. “I-I don’t think I told you to kiss me like that though.” Her familiar breathy voice drips with the anticipation of the now inevitable conclusion of this conversation.

“I can’t help it,” Phrases punctuate with kisses closer and closer to her apex. “A goddess… deigns… to talk… to me… She deserves… an infinite amount… of worship…” I mean it. She means the world to me.

I kiss the bud I know is there over her cherry patterned panties and a quick spot darkens with her juicy self. My nails dig lightly into her thighs and a lustful sigh escapes my lips I want her so badly; she even obliges to rock toward me again, and I get such a strong breath of her I can’t help but nip again catching just the hint of her sweet flavor. I am ripe with a pleasant heavy fullness expanding in my shorts.

They say that a normal response to death is a reaffirmation of life. Life is most definitely surging.

“Number Four…Thou ….shalt embrace… beauty… and pleasure,” she pants. I swiftly slide her panties off. I want life; I want to devour it and with my actions beg for more nectar to stave off the ravages of time. There is no time, there’s only her at this point. A small part of me wonders how when she is clearly letting go into my perverted diversion she is able to keep listing off commandments.

Now it’s a competition of who can keep going. Can I get her to forget or stumble with my licentious display? Devour I do, drinking from her well and temporarily quenching a thirst with the sheer visceral thrust of my tongue into her. I am baptized. Her fingers lace through my hair and I can feel energy flow from the very fingertips through me in a benediction of the church that is her. She grinds her vulva against me trying for any extra touch she can garner.

“Beauty…. Check… Pleasure…. Haaaaa Check. Doing… Something… Right… Baby…” I can’t string a full sentence together anymore, so I kiss in between. I can’t possibly taste her enough. I can’t pull myself away from the comfort her softness provides. But by God, I wish I had a way to get the friction on my rigid cock that would give me relief. Maybe I should say By Her.

Tremors ripple through her as she cries out but then she pulls me away. I can see the innermost part of her tremble and still she has the strength to stop just on the cusp of her own orgasm. I look up at her, awe-filled and stunned. Why won’t she let me?

I get my answer quickly as she lifts my hands to stand me up, and drop my trousers and boxer briefs. Then she stands, spins us both around and pushes me to sitting on the couch.

Then she lifts my thighs and stomps each foot of mine. Confusing… She then spreads and kneels above me, my tip grazes her entrance, but the look in her eyes keeps me from penetrating her. She is clearly the one in control; I'm just along for the ride at this point. Ride. Giggle.

She has this devilish glint to her, and the quirk of her mouth is the hint of a quip. “Five. Thou shalt spread joy with every footstep, eeep! ” Her delivery is languid, but when she finally slides herself down me, she squeaks. Tousled and disheveled, she is beauty incarnate and every utterance is a sacred sound. To and fro, she rocks. Both soothing and electrifying, I can't help but to dive into the sensations.

“Gah… ha…. Hence… forth… you… will… be… known… as… Joy….” I laugh. With the way she smiles, I’m positive she intended that as a pun and I can’t keep the drunken giggles from escaping in my panting.

“Sounds fun…” Her hands lock in my hair behind my head. The feel of her silk dragging across me is so decadent, I can’t even keep my eyes open to fully feel the sensuousness. I just bury myself above and below and let her ride. The cotton of her shirt is so soft.I know that she’s close. I saw how close she was. And still she rides at a pace that keeps her just at the edge while catching me up to her.

I wouldn’t mind being buried inside her forever at this point. Her breasts bounce against me, but I can’t take the time to free them so I can experience them in all their glory. The life urge rages and I am consumed by the whole of it. The whole of her. It’s not long before I am teetering myself.

“Sixth… and last… Thou shalt venerate… the self and others… as perfectly… imperfect… and a reflection of God.” I am dissolved in bliss of the moment. I can’t even come up with a response. Thrust and withdrawal and over again fills the cacophony of my ears as while her voice tears through it like song. Her gasping sounds like a choir of angels to me, echoing through the house so I am surrounded.

“Saeyoung, look at me!” She chooses that moment right as I am about to crest in my flying high to implore me. My eyes fly open and I am flooded with the vision of my most perfect goddess, penetrating me with her gaze while I am deep within her. She screams open mouthed her absolution of me. The light is just right such that she glows and the one sober part of me wonders that perhaps I really am looking at the face of God at this pinnacle of peak experiences.

She’s just so beautiful, I chase her over the edge, and struggle to keep eye contact through the waves she is so intent on looking at me. There are orgasms, and then there are moments like this one when your soul is stripped bare in the glory and it seems so clear how much of everything is just…extra.

I am filled with love and I am spent. And I feel a sense of peace that… is strange. Like a deep unsettling of something dark, cracking it so it's just a small bit more manageable. I shove the thought away just so I can bask in her relaxed smile. As I drift down again, I wonder if God would be disappointed if I admitted that perhaps she is on to something. She may have come up with her “commandments” on the spot, but there is a ring of truth to them that I can't just chalk up to the oxytocin.

She takes my face in her palms and kisses me deeply. I feel a lethargic resurgence still within her, before I flop back on the couch with her in my arms.

“Nyaaaaaaaaaa…” I can't even form real words at this point.

She giggles and ruffles my hair. “Kitty Saeyoung is purring.”

“Kitty Saeyoung has no bones left, nya.” Shoving aside the rumblings on my spirituality to the back of my head I put up some cat paws. She giggles again and kisses them open to nuzzle them.

“So where did all of that come from?” she asks, the sweetest inquisitive look on her face, head titled to the side. She returns to petting my hair, and it’s hard at first to even answer as even though I’m softening, I’m still super sensitive inside her. Each slight movement threatens to stoke me. “Saeyoung?”

“Ah, yeah,” I breathe. “Your knees were too cute.”

“My knees.”

“Well yes, I mean, they were right there, calling out to be kissed. And you reacted so delightfully, I just wanted to more….” I trail off. The cock of her eyebrow tells me she’s not buying it. I sigh, “Thank you.”

Confusion knits her brow together now. “For what?”

I bite the whole of my lower lip. “For allowing the distraction. For letting me believe that maybe I could be forgiven. For giving me something to chew on about how I might view the world.” Her smile is small, but heartfelt. “For being you.”

The most delicate pink blooms on her cheeks. “I told you Saeyoung. You already were aeons ago. And chew on?”

“I’m no match for you. I’m going to think about your commandments. They…. Didn’t sound bad.”

I love her look of surprise.

“Especially if it leads to mind blowing sex like that. You know, the offer still stands for me to dress in my maid persona and you can have your wicked way with me.” I have to change the mood. It’s too uncomfortable to stay in that moment of vulnerability, and so I tease.

“Saeyoung! Come on, we need to get cleaned up.” I slide out and feel a little lost for the lack of warmth around me when she gets up and stands there with her legs together, probably to not get her skirt dirty. She tugs at me, and I kick my pants off instead of putting them back on to follow her hand in hand.

Her voice is small, like she doesn’t want to ask in the playful mood, but feels compelled to anyway. “Do you want to do something to remember Alice?”

I frown and decide, with everything that happened, really, I can bury this one in the midden of my past. He doesn’t deserve another thought. Not tonight at least. I have the softness of my girl and for once I want to stay in the bliss and ignore the negative tapes until they are static that mean nothing. “Alice who?” She startled, but I have the most genuine smile I’ve had outside of sex today. “Really it’s fine. I’d rather focus on my goddess instead. May we continue this devotional in the bathtub?”

“Bathtub?” She pulls away a little, but that only brings out my devilish grin.

“Here, I’ll carry you, your feet shouldn’t have to touch the ground.” I reach out to lift her up but she squeaks as she dances out of my reach. The only thing I can do is sprint after her fluttering skirt and squeals until she lets me catch her for another kiss.