Archive of Our Own ^beta

You took your first hit when you were fifteen. Just a taste. You’re mother’s a diplomat, and you’re her son. Diplomatic immunity makes you feel kriffing invincible sometimes, but your friends are probably twenty times worse. Armitage Hux. You kinda hate him, but he’s the closest thing you have to a friend, so mostly you just pretend he’s not a dick when he speaks. He tries it with you, because you rarely make bad decisions separately, and everything goes blissfully dark. It’s the first time you’ve ever been able to do that. To let go. To stop thinking so much. Your mind is hell, and there’s plenty of blame to go around for it, but that’s not the point anymore. It doesn’t matter who screwed you up. All that matters is escape.

You wake up feeling like bantha fodder and swear to yourself that you won’t do it again. You know you will, but you still tell yourself the lie like you believe it. You almost convince yourself. Force knows... you want to believe it. You're the son of a diplomat and war hero. You’re the royal prince of a rock and dust planet called Alderaan, and although it was gone long before your birth, you’ve seen pictures. You have no trouble swelling up with all the pride of a royal. This makes you special. This makes you strong. The strong never fall, and so you become reckless. You take another hit. The Silver Sea of Chandrila has never looked more beautiful as it goes black. They call it ‘Dark Side’ and you’ve developed a taste.

You’re twenty-two when you’re uncle realizes you’ve been stealing from him. He’s a religious man with the moral integrity of white silk. He feels stained and it’s your fault. You pulled him into something he never wanted to be a part of. That night he tells you about your grandfather's spiral into drug addiction. He tells you about the danger of drug use, and how it tore his family apart. He wants to save you, but you never asked to be saved. You just want his money because the dark side is calling for you and you’re so eager to give in. So you bounce your knee impatiently, arms crossed, eyes rolling so often you get dizzy, and wait for him to finally finish. You would burn the entire house down if it would shut him up.

That night you sneak out of the house and use Uncle Luke’s funds for a generous amount of dark side and return before he’s noticed. Hux is sitting on your bed, urging you to give him some. His father hates him. Probably doesn’t even know he’s left the house. Just a skinny kid with no ambitions. When he’s angry he looks like a psychopath, and you’re pretty sure he’s gonna wake up one day with a dead body bleeding all over the floor. His rage is just that toxic. You kinda hope the dead body isn’t you. You also hope that it is. You’re not exactly suicidal. You’re desperate. It’s almost the same thing, but you understand the difference.

You share your loot with this kriffing low-life you call a friend. He smiles wickedly when he injects it into his system. There’s a lot of different ways you can take the stuff. This is the best. You have your own needle. It rushes through your system in a flash and nothing matters again. Pure bliss. Tomorrow doesn’t matter. Ten minutes from now doesn’t matter. You won’t remember half of it anyway.

Uncle Luke will find you in bed with Hux. You aren’t naked, but you might have done some stuff. You remember none of it. Luke’s finally told your parents what’s happening. Your mother is a diplomat. You’re father races starships across the galaxy for months at a time. It’s not that they didn’t know. They didn’t want to know. They thought they were getting something special when they had you. They had expectations you refused to rise to. They had dreams that were nothing like your own. They don’t have a kriffing clue what you’ve become while they weren’t paying attention. You don’t blame them. You weren’t paying attention either.

The first time you see a rehab center is on a trip to Naboo. It’s sponsored by your uncle, because once again… he’s the hero you never wanted or needed. He’s going to save you. You don’t want to be saved. Counselors urge you to be honest and share. You lie through your teeth and tell one pathetic sob story after the next. There’s a secret hidden in each story. A grain of truth you want people to notice. You hate that they don’t find it. No one ever finds it. They get nowhere with you. It doesn’t matter that you’re sober, haven’t had a taste in months, because you’ll never stop craving it. This is a waste of time. You just want to escape.

So Armitage Hux becomes your savior. He hates you as much as he hates himself. He finds a way to sneak you out. You know you’ll have to come back, but drug testing isn’t until the end of the week and you can have all the dark side you want. “Sometimes I wish I could become the destroyer of worlds. Make the galaxy pay for everything, you know? This seems like a more peaceful alternative,” Hux tells you with a twisted laugh. His red hair looks like fire, and his eyes could melt snow. He’s a psychopath and you aren’t. You are better than him. You are stronger than him. You watch him reveal his stash with wild anticipation. Your hands won’t stop shaking, you’re sweating, and no matter how many times you lick your lips… they’re still way too dry.

You laugh. “I’ve had to fight back the urge to kill my father once or twice, but I never really saw myself committing genocide, you creep.”

He hands you half of his stash, grabs two needles and flashes you a crazed grin. “Doesn’t really matter. We’ve both wasted our potential.”

If that was ever a possibility, you’re grateful for the drug. You shudder to think anything worse is possible. You aren’t evil or wicked. You are weak. You realize that now. Pathetic and weak, because you can’t stop doing this to yourself. You can’t stop listening to the little voice inside you that wants the dark. Your mind is punishing you with memories you’ll never be able to erase, but maybe if you embrace the dark side… you can pretend your secrets aren’t eating you alive. The mask you wear is suffocating you. No one knows who or what you are, not even Hux. Certainly not your parents. They call you Ben Solo. You need a different name. You pick Kylo Ren.

You don’t return to the rehab center. Instead you hitch a ride with Hux on a transport pad outside of Naboo. You make sure no one recognizes your face. The dark hood covers you like a shield, protecting you from curious eyes that need to mind their own kriffing business. Hux is thinking of an Outer Rim world outside the reach of the New Republic. You’ve never heard of Jakku, but you think it could be great. It will be great. Something in your gut tells you everything will change and you will be someone else. You want to be someone else.

So you don’t think about the fact that you left your family behind. You don’t think about how much they will miss you or worry. You don’t think about other friends that used to like you before you screwed up and became this… brainless zombie that’s too numb to be killed, and too hungry to stop running. There is nothing on your mind. The dark side is all you know. You don’t ever have to think again. You went from caring too much to caring about nothing at all. Ben Solo was weak. Kylo Ren will be so much better. You make your escape.

You need money. You do what you have to. You steal. You’re a scavenger. You’re a criminal. The sun hates your fair skin. You’ve gotten really thin. You don’t drink enough water. Your body is dying, and all you want to feed it is poison. That is your life. That is who you have become while you hide like a coward. It makes you ashamed now, because your eye catches a woman in the front of the line being offered money for her droid. She could feed herself for days, maybe months, but when she looks at the droid you see strength you never knew could exist. She refuses to sell, and you fall in love. That's not how love works, but it's how you work.

You’re first thought is ‘She can’t see you like this.’ You walk away, forgetting the fact that you were standing just behind her in line. Hux tries to stop you, but you barely hear him. This scavenger girl and the droid are leaving, and you hide. You watch her. She is everything you ever wanted to be. You can tell that immediately. You didn’t know you were capable of love anymore. It’s the first emotion that hasn’t made you crave a hit. You don’t know what that means, but it makes you smile, genuinely smile.

You won’t see her again for a while, but you never forget her. She’s the girl that changed your life.

You are alone. You don’t mind. Hux was toxic, and you loved that about him, but you hated it too. You’re sitting at a bar on Takodana, drinking something that’s strong enough to burn your insides. Maz says the stuff is tame, but you don’t believe her for a second. “Go home, Ben.”

You don’t bother to correct her. You’ve been Kylo Ren for a while, but she already knows where you came from. You can’t hide who you are forever. You left Jakku behind in search of something. You didn’t know what you were looking for, but you haven’t felt the dark in way too long. You’ve reached a new level of hell. It’s called withdrawal. The cantina Maz owns is a good place to scope out potential suppliers. Maz knows what you’re doing. You just need to take the edge off. Nothing too drastic. You’ve been lowering the doses for months now. You really are trying, but no one can tell. They believe the worst. Maybe you are fooling yourself, but you can’t think of anything else.

“Gimme another, Maz.”

“This won’t help you.”

“I never said it would.”

She get’s you another. You see a supplier. Your hands itch. Your skin is on fire. You won’t stop kicking the chair in front of you because it focuses your mind, keeps you in the present. This is what insanity feels like. It’s this thing that claws its way inside you and makes you feel like there’s no way you could ever sit still again. You could rip your own skin off right here and now, because you have forgotten what it’s for anyway.

This moment lasts too long. Every second that the drug isn’t in your system is a moment wasted. It makes your body hurt in ways it shouldn’t. Even the sweat dripping down your face is torture and you feel every drop. The world around you narrows and you can’t breathe. At some point it’s going to get much worse. Everything will come back in brilliant color. You aren’t ready to face that yet. You aren’t ready to face the problem that brought you here. One day at a time. That’s what they used to say in rehab. You weren’t paying attention, but some things stick whether you want them to or not.

You’re in the woods when you finally have the opportunity to take a hit. You thought you were alone, but noise fills the air and the needle is quickly pulled out. You didn’t inject. Damn it. Better not be Maz. She can’t save you. No one can. You cap the needle and you try to find somewhere to go. Rocks surround you. Large boulders covered in moss and fallen leaves. You find a good spot to spy out the intruder. It’s a climb, but you’ve gained a little muscle tone since Jakku. You’ve been trying to eat more. Live more. Be more.

So you aren’t expecting it, the shock, how it sends you into a mental tailspin. You aren’t expecting the girl that emerges from nowhere. She’s like your own personal guardian angel here to save you once again. You are so completely out of your mind. Crazed is how an outsider would describe you. You would agree with them and then tell them to ‘kriff off,’ because you hate people who state the obvious. She’s out of breath, upset, and she’s spinning around like she can sense you watching her. The drug falls from your hand. You forget about withdrawal and desperation. It’s her.

The needle makes a sound when it falls to the ground near her feet. You curse in several different languages as her eyes lift to yours from high above, wedged in the rocks that were supposed to be your hiding place. She isn’t supposed to see you. You aren’t ready for that yet. You aren’t good enough to be seen by those eyes. Not complete. Not strong enough. She’s seen the needle. She knows what you are. You’ve ruined everything.

“Come out from there! Who are you?!”

You swallow. Hands are shaking. Vision blurry. It’s been too long without a hit. Even your stomach is starting to revolt against this kind of poor judgement. You had a plan. You were going to solve this problem your way. You were going to show her how strong you are. You’d meet one day, maybe back on Jakku, and you’d make sure she got enough food for a few days. You were going to ask her out. Maybe take a walk. Fantasies were all you had. Reality has never been kind to you anyway.

You drop down from the large rocks, towering over her, but you know she’s so much more powerful than you could ever be. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

You look like you jumped into an ocean. That’s how much you’re sweating. You’re still too thin. Your skin is pale. You’ve shaved this morning, but your hair is a mess as it sticks to wet skin. This will be her first impression of you. In that moment you are certain you’ve ruined this before it even had a chance. She’s staring, a little horrified and a little confused. You feel terrible. Withdrawal is a dangerous beast. You drop to the ground before she can say another word. Turns out you got to embrace the dark even without the drug.

You hate hospitals. It isn’t your first time. It probably won’t be your last. Needles dig into your arm with fluids. The bed feels like it might as well be part of an interrogation room, cause it’s kriffing torture. You’re naked, with a thin cloth to keep you modest. It does a lousy job. What’s the point? You forgot what dignity looked like a long time ago. You’d show your bare ass in a minute if they’d just give you a taste. You want to go dark. You NEED it. This is exactly what it feels like to die from living too long.

There’s someone in the room and you’re trying to comprehend who would bother. You’ve cut everyone off from you. You cut every tie that ever mattered. Uncle Luke. Your mother. Your father. It probably would have been gentler to stage a death. Instead of wondering where you are, they’d have a grave site to go to, and you could go on living without them. They’d never have to face the shame of a drug addict for a son. So who would dare sit beside you? Who would dare waste time on you by this point? Just an irredeemable asshole who didn’t know how to look in the mirror every day without remembering too much.

You turn your head and everything feels fuzzy. The withdrawal symptoms must not be gone, because you are seeing things. Your mind is playing a trick on you. It’s a horrible trick. This is why you try so hard to turn it off, because it’s ruthless, and it pulls shit just like this. She gestures to a chair nearby. “May I?” she asks.

“Be my guest.”

Sometimes you get lonely with a room full of people. You especially hate your mother’s diplomatic parties. It feels like the odds should be in your favor. One of these assholes should actually relate well to you. You should be able to find at least one person that you connect with. The odds aren’t in your favor though. They pass you by like you’re invisible. Or worse, they walk straight up to your face and still manage not to see you. The diplomat’s son. That was your name. Solo’s kid. That was your identity.

You spend your whole life trying to find one person who understands. You pick all the wrong friends. You say all the wrong things. You don’t pick up on the little things everyone else sees. You are drowning in a sea of people who crash against you with all the subtleness of a Rancor. They will destroy you. They will tear you apart. They have no clue why you’re like this, but you know. You can’t stop being reminded at every turn. There’s something fundamentally wrong with you, and suddenly they aren’t the assholes. You are. You are the bad guy. You never asked for this.

Her name. The girl. It’s Rey. She feels different. Different from Hux. Different from that idiot Poe Dameron who was probably the best person you’ve ever known, and therefore you’re pretty sure you want to stab him. Golden boy should have been the diplomat’s son. You heard that once. Instead of that Solo kid. Instead of the screw up. It should have been Poe Dameron. You couldn’t agree more. You hate Poe even more for that.

So now here you lay in a hospital bed. Fluids bleeding into your starving body. Bare ass against a hospital bed’s rough sheets. Pale. Broken. Dead inside. Lonely. Rey is taking a seat and looking at you. This girl you saw once on Jakku. The one you fell in love with because she refused to sell a droid. It’s a stupid reason to fall in love, but it’s already changed you so much and she has no idea. She’s the one that’s made you want to be different. She’s the one you couldn’t stop thinking about when you lowered doses before taking on the dark. You dropped your kriffing needle in front of her with a crazed look in your eye, and yet here she sits. Who is this girl? Why does the world feel less… terrible?

“Your name is Ben Solo, yes? I met your father. He’ll be back soon. He’s just out getting food with your mother.”

“Together?” They pass each other like freighter ships most of the time. One goes one way and the other goes the other. It’s love that doesn’t have the time to be together, and you never understood why they even bothered anymore. It wasn’t a marriage. It was a kriffing friendship with occasional sex. Ugh… you picture them. That is one image you could do without. Thanks.

Rey smiles. “Seems like they hadn’t seen each other in a while, but yes. They left together.”

You feel like a stupid kid again because your lips curl at the corner for a microsecond. You don’t want the world to know you have feelings. You don’t want the galaxy seeing just another thing to ruin later once it’s certain you’ve got hope. “I’m not an addict.” It just comes out. You want to die right then and there. “I uh mean… I don’t… not like before. I’m trying to be better than that. I could take as much as I want, but I don’t.” You are making it a billion times worse. Shut UP!

Rey’s smile fades and it’s your fault. She is staring at your face, and she isn’t looking through you. It’s terrifying. You feel like she’s reading your mind. “When did you start?”

“I was a teenager.”

“It must have been nice… escaping for a little while.”

No one has ever said that. Not a single person. They go straight into judgement. They shake their head at how long you’ve been addicted, amazed you haven’t died in some alley with a needle in your arm. You stop breathing for a minute. You realize you’re going to say something else that you have never said out loud before. “I just wanted to stop remembering.”

You’ve admitted something you don’t even have the guts to tell your parents, and she just nods. She understands. She’s like you. There’s something she wants to forget. It’s terrible, and it’s her pain, and that’s why she sees what you feel. She knows. It scares you half to death. What the hell? What the kriffing hell?! How is it possible that she knows? But there’s a look in her eye that you don’t see with other people. Not even Hux, who has literally shared the same fate you endured. It bonded you together, but he was a psychopath and you aren’t.

You want to panic because this is something deep and dark inside you. It isn’t spoken out loud. It isn’t talked about. It’s a secret. Don’t tell a soul. Don’t think about it and it won’t hurt you. Close your eyes and go somewhere else because then it’s like it never happened. You have spent a lifetime telling yourself it wasn’t real. Just a nightmare. All those nights. You and Hux. Senator Snoke never touched you. You were making it all up. Only the dark side actually makes the memories go away.

You haven’t said anything for a really long time, and you find yourself wondering what she went through. Who hurt her that she can recognize your pain? Maybe you don’t want to know just yet. You lick dry lips and you clear your throat. “Have you ever seen the ocean?”

She hasn’t. “Only what I imagine in my mind.”

“There’s this planet. My uncle lived there for a while. There’s an island. It’s the loneliest place in the universe, I think.”

“It doesn’t have to be,” she argues. “If you go with the right person.”

Is she the right person? You hope so. You know so. Yes, she kriffing is. “I’d take you there one day. It’s worth the trip. Everyone should see the ocean at least once.”

She’s smiling again. “I would like that.”

It’s only at this moment that you realize you took off the mask the moment she sat down. No wonder she sees it all. You let her see. You wanted her to see. Somehow you knew how this would go, and that’s not possible, but the proof is right in front of you. You took a chance and now you love her more than ever. “When we go… I’ll teach you how to swim.”

She becomes your best friend first. Her friend Finn rolls his eyes at you both. You can tell he doesn’t trust you. It’s only been a few months since the hospital, but you’re doing better. You feel like you can be better for Rey. This is all for her. You will make this work and one day you will be happy. You take her and Finn out for dinners in fancy restaurants you used to frequent. You use all that fancy education to impress her, and she just laughs because she’s doesn’t care about any of it. Finn hates you. He knows you can’t be trusted. He sees something you barely notice.

This is for Rey, though. No more drugs. New start. You will be stronger. You will be better. It’s all for her. So you guys talk about things you could never tell anyone else. She lays her head on your shoulder when you tell her that you don’t feel lonely anymore. Not so desperate when you try and sleep. She feels the same. That makes it worth it. You will not screw this up. You will be amazing for her. All for Rey. That’s what you tell yourself. I can do this for Rey.

Okay, okay, okay… so you may have screwed up. You didn’t mean to. Everything was going great and you had to ruin it. You ruin everything. Why do you do that? Why can’t you just be the person everyone wants you to be? Why do you keep failing? Why do you refuse to be the better man? It’s like you’re being torn apart. One side whispers that it’s okay to be close again… close to your family, your friends, to Rey. You want her to see you as someone she could love one day. The other side is demanding you revert back to your old ways. You can control it this time. It won’t control you. You can have the drug and the girl. You believe it. You believe she can love you.

Instead she just watched you stab your own father in the back. You had his trust back. He was reaching out to you. Everything was finally happening. He wants his son back, and you keep telling him that’s not possible, but part of you wants to believe it is. Then you turn around and take his kriffing wallet and you spend it ALL. You overdose. They shove a pill in your mouth that saves your life, and Rey pulls the needle from your arm. For a minute you felt the bliss of the dark side in your veins and it was perfect.

It was coming back though. Even with Rey there beside you, the memories were coming back. You have to escape. It’s the only way. The dark side will protect you. You won’t have nightmares of someone touching you where they shouldn’t. You were too young to know better. Senator Snoke is not supposed to be your enemy. Hux cries. You never did. Snoke liked you better than him.

Get out! Get out! Get out! You need the memories to go away. You can make them go. You just need a wallet with money. You just need a hit. Doesn’t matter how well you were doing. Rey is shouting at you because you’ve gone dark. You don’t know what happens after that. You saw her face though. She was crying. You kriffing idiot! How could you make Rey cry?

You had a fight and it was bad. She’s angry at you and she wants some distance. You never even made it to lovers. Just friends. You won’t be the one taking her to the ocean. Uncle Luke invited her, but she’s taking someone else. Uncle Luke will be the one to teach her how to swim. It shouldn’t hurt this much. It was just a stupid idea in your head, but you know it’s your fault she’s walking away.

You could say you’re sorry. You could do the noble thing and beg for forgiveness. Instead you take every hit she throws at you. You absorb them like scars on your face. You deserve this. You deserve the guilt eating at you because your mother won’t look at you, and Finn is telling Rey that you were no good. You just proved him right. You ruined everything and she is leaving. You are alone. The one person in the universe that understands you… and you made her leave. This is the moment you realize you’ve become a monster. You would shove the mask back on and walk away, but it’s damaged beyond repair. So you let people see the scars. They don’t really notice anyway.

You are standing in front of a rehab center and it’s your choice now. You are terrified. You don’t want to change, but you have to. It’s going to be hard. It’s going to take work. You almost sob when you realize they’ll take the drugs. You’ll sweat and scream. You’ll beg someone to kill you because you’re starting to remember and your body is on fire. Every nerve ending with remind you of who you become without the dark. Your skin itches.

You try not to think about Rey. She’s gone now. You did that. You messed up. You’d finally found someone that made you think soulmates existed in this galaxy, and you let that friendship die. The first person to actually look at you. You are scum, but you don’t have to remain scum. You don’t have to stay broken.

This isn’t for your parents either. You aren’t just a diplomat’s son. You aren’t that ‘Solo kid.’ They do not define this moment of clarity. You’ll forgive them one day for not being perfect. You’ll walk right up to them and say it. Mistakes were made. Parents screw up their kids and kids disappoint their parents. It happens sometimes, but it could have been so much worse. They love you, but this decision is not to please them.

This choice is for that little kid. You can hear Hux crying beside you, but you keep quiet. You were taught to obey. You trusted him. You didn’t know better. You don’t understand why Hux is crying. You don’t understand why all this feels wrong. One day you’ll just wake up and realize that the reason you can’t sleep is because something terrible happened to you. You hope one day that terrible thing won’t define you. You want to be strong. You want to be kriffing royalty. These are your first steps.

Breathe. Just breathe. Now move.

Burdens feel lighter when they’re shared. You told your story today and everyone listened. They looked at you. They saw you. Some even had similar experiences. It turns out you aren’t alone. Pain can be shared. There is so much evil in this galaxy, but the dark side never changed any of that. It numbed the pain, but it didn’t remove it. It’s not a miracle or a cure. Someone grabs your hand and smiles at you. It’s a woman who was sexually abused by her own father for almost five years. You don’t know why you’re crying. Maybe it’s because she’s acknowledging what you’re going through even though she faced something worse. Your pain is yours. Her pain is hers. Both hurt so kriffing bad.

You got a letter from Rey. She knows where you are. You’ll keep in touch, but it won’t ever be the same again. She still admits that she misses you. She tells you little things she is thinking about. Mundane shit that matters more than air to you. You keep every damn letter. You read them more than once. You write her back and you tell her about Senator Snoke and the little boy. You tell her about Hux, and how you really wish he was in here with you, but he’d probably just get himself kicked out. You tell her that you are doing this for all the memories you thought you could bury deep down and forget. They refused to be buried. You understand that now.

You take a walk. You look at trees. You think about that kid that felt abandoned. You wonder what he would have been if he’d never known Senator Snoke. Maybe he would be a hero. A leader. Maybe he would smile more. People might have liked the kid that never knew Snoke. It’s possible that a galaxy like that exists somewhere, but that’s not your story. You used to think your story needed to end in tragedy. Who the hell told you that? Who the hell told you that you deserve to live without dreams? You realize you deserve more. You deserved an amazing girl like Rey. You deserved loving parents. You deserve to survive and to thrive. You deserve to breathe without trying to escape into the dark. You deserve to be free.

Not everyone can survive outside of the rehab center. People make mistakes. They relapse. You could relapse. You don’t think you will. You hope not. You aren’t sure. You’re ready to go anyway. You say goodbye to the people who aren’t finished the program. You walk back outside the way you came in. You can do this.

Breathe. Just breathe. Now move.

You see Hux at a shop in Coruscant. It’s just another city now. It used to be the seat of power in its hay day, but that was so long ago. That was before you even existed. Now it’s just another place to get lost in the crowd. This is why it surprises you when Armitage Hux is sitting at a kaffe shop looking like death paid him a visit and decided it was more horrible to leave him alone. He looks soulless and empty. You know how that feels. You’re different now. You just got out of rehab and you’re a pilot. Mostly just shipping work, but it’s honest and the money goes to things like food and clothes. Normal things.

You sit across from him and he stares back at you. He knows you are different. It makes him laugh. “What should I call you? Kylo or Ben?”

You don’t feel like either, but there’s no way in hell you’ll start calling yourself some other dumbass name. “Ben is fine.”

He rolls his eyes. “Good for you.”

“How’ve you been?” You ask the question, but you already know the answer. It took almost a year for you to realize this desire you have will never go away. That you will fight demons for the rest of your life, and the moment you let your guard down, you will spiral. You hope one day your family will trust you again. You don’t expect it, but you hope.

Hux leans in and let’s his eyes drift from your face to the steady hands that grip the edge of the table. “For old time’s sake… I could show you how I’ve been. Could be fun. You and me.” He’s lonely. No one put up with him like you did. No one knows what he went through. Only you.

“Or we could just talk… about what happened. About the things we never want to think about.” Turns out rehab is good for something. You actually missed talking to people about what goes through your mind. There’s programs for the outside, but it’s hard to be regular when you’re flying from planet to planet. The thing is, you know it’s healthy to talk. The floodgates opened, and it got easier to tell your story once you realized the picture was a lot bigger than two little kids and a filthy Senator. He’s dead now. That shouldn’t please you, but it does. He died with his secrets on the news for all to hear, and no one came to the funeral.

“No thanks,” mutters Hux. He staggers away with a wave. You don’t go after him. One day he’ll either change or you’ll find out he was found dead with a needle in his arm. You hope for the former, but you kinda know it will be the latter. You wish it could be different. You have never felt proud of yourself. Not once. You feel it now, in this instant, as your worst and best friend walks away from you and into oblivion. This victory is yours. It’s not the war, just a battle, but you won and you’ll take what you can get. You send Rey a message to share this victory. She responds and tells you that she misses you. It’s all that you’ve ever wanted to hear.

You see her at your parent’s home in D’Qar. It’s a nice little place they chose because it’s quiet and your parents are getting too tired to save the galaxy. The diplomat is just a wife now. The war hero is just a husband. It has been almost two years since you last took a hit. Dark side still lingers in your veins like a memory, and it’s begging you to stop this madness of abstinence. It’s quieter than it used to be, but you know it won’t ever go away. The craving will always be there, but you focus on keeping busy, on the way Rey looked at you when you hurt her.

Two years since you saw Rey. You don’t know how those little messages were ever enough. For once you look like you should have the first time you met. Instead of sweaty skin, you are fresh, and smell a bit like pinewood. There’s no needle to drop at her feet, but you do spill your water when you bump into her, and apologize with a hand to her waist. You’ve recently gotten your hair cut, and your father is complaining because he never had such thick, flowing locks. You blush and Rey laughs. You never thought you’d ever hear her laugh again. She’s been working for your uncle Luke at a rehab center… the one on Naboo. You realize how much you’ve changed her. It just makes you love her so much more.

Those messages were all you had. Love notes between best friends that needed to drift apart for a while. She doesn’t get it, what she means to you. Rey will never understand how much you needed those messages sometimes when you felt like you were alone and you didn’t know what to do. You weren’t alone, though. Cause Rey was out there somewhere working at a rehab center and thinking about you. This is how you know it’s real. This is something tangible. It’s a living thing that is growing and replacing the emptiness you used to fill with the dark side.

You don’t stop staring at her. No mask to hide behind, not that you ever did with her anyway. Your mother knows what happened with Senator Snoke and she blames herself. She feels like she should have been paying attention, but you forgave her a long time ago. She loves you, and you’re pretty sure she invited Rey for a reason. Han Solo is telling Rey stories about what life was like before Snoke. When you were just a toddler with an aversion to diapers. Rey is hanging on his every word. She doesn’t have parents, and you’re happy to share. You would share everything with her if she let you.

When you talk she listens, and you drink every word that comes from her lips. You’ve been exploring D’Qar and it’s getting late, but you don’t care that you can barely see. Moonlight just isn’t enough to keep you from tripping. You walk together anyway. You talk like you used to, only something is different. You are different.

She tells you about her work at the rehab center on Naboo, and this one guy who’d been raped as a child like you were. He was taking another drug, but she feels really good about his progress, and she worries about him because his parents refuse to believe his story. You realize how lucky you are. Force knows you must have stronger parents than his. A weird sensation passes over you, and you ask if it would be okay for you to volunteer. Rey has never looked so proud of you. You forget to breathe.

She asks about how you’re handling everything, about Snoke’s death, and if you’ve seen Hux. You tell her about everything you’ve struggled with. You tell her about the good days and the bad. You tell her about the cravings and the weak moments that defined these last two years. You tell her that before you’d been trying to get better for her, but this time you did it for yourself. You did it for that little boy who never cried and was told to keep secrets. Rey has a look in her eyes that you don’t comprehend. She’s staring at you the way you always stare at her. Your mind should be telling you this means something important, but instead you’re just confused. She’s the sun, and you’re just a lifeless planet trying to stay in her orbit.

When her parents left, she endured all kinds of abuse. She survived every day without letting her past define her. She is everything you wish you could have been. Rey takes your hand, and you feel fingers intertwine like destiny does to lovers. You will replace all the bad days with this moment when you feel weak. You will remind yourself of everything perfect in your life when cravings bite back with a ferocious appetite. You stopped using because you wanted something better for yourself. You can’t ever go backwards again. Not even once.

There’s a separate place for guests. It’s where she’s staying. You were about to make your way back to your parent’s home, but she tugs at your arm and you realize she’s taking you to the guest house. It’s massive. The kind of thing a famous diplomat and war hero would own. You have never been so grateful for all the money your parents spent on this little piece of paradise. The door clicks and she presses you against it with a gentle kiss. You’d love to be gentle with her too, but you have never wanted anything so badly in your life. You need to show her how much you want her.

So you drag her up your body and groan when her legs wrap around your hips. You are kissing her, and stumbling across the small living room and towards the bed just behind the couch. It folds out from the wall. It’s like a studio apartment. Very well decorated, and you’ll admire it later. Rey is much more interesting.

You want to taste her. No time like the present. You put her on the bed and tug her shirt off and over her head. Her breasts are perfect and you cover the right one with your mouth. You work your way down. From side to side. You take note of anything that makes her breath catch. When you reach her stomach you bite at the curve of her abdomen and smile against her skin when she whimpers.

You remove the pants next. They’re cute, three-quarter length and very smooth against the palms of your hands. They slide off easy. Her hands are in your hair and you press on. You are an explorer on a mission. You’ve discovered moist treasure between her thighs. This could easily become your new drug. You don’t even hesitate. One hit and you are addicted. Only this drug just makes you feel alive.

She comes on your tongue. You made that happen. You. The diplomat’s son. The war hero’s kid. The screw up. The worthless drug abuser. The victim no one ever knew about. You made Rey cry out and shudder. You remove your own clothing quickly before she’s eagerly pulling you back and she kisses you so hard. Her skin is pressed against you. Warm and soft. Your cock is heavy against her stomach, and the friction could drive you crazy. You aren’t supposed to say anything. You don’t want to ruin this moment. Just keep your mouth shut. It’s sex. Only it’s not. This means more to you. This means everything. “Rey… I love you.”

She stares again. It’s dark, and you don’t really know what’s going through her mind. You wish you did. You wish you could close your eyes and see every lingering thought, but you can’t. You never learned how. She kiss you again. It’s not teeth and tongue, it’s just an innocent kiss. It seems out of place after what you’d just done. You know she can probably taste herself on your lips. This kiss is different and it means something.

You crush her with your weight, and her legs wrap around your hips. “Ben…” it’s all she can say, and even that is uttered with a tremble in her voice. You forgot how painful erections are. It’s been so long since you’ve actually been aroused. You hold her gaze and press the tip against her entrance. A gentle push, slow and steady, and all your dreams come true. She’s tight, hot, muscles clenching with every inch. She’s going to kill you if she doesn’t stop wiggling. You have to take this slow. You want it to last.

You think of that time your father tried to teach you to fly for the very first time. How to calculate a jump into hyperspace. He may behave like a fool on occasion, but he’s actually a clever pilot, and he knows space like addicts know addiction. Space is his addiction. It does the trick. Your heart beat slows down. You don’t feel so dizzy. You feel like you’ve gained control again.

You move. You press into her at just the right angle and watch her eyes shine. You can feel her hips press into yours, eager to have you inside her completely. She wants you. Desperate for you to go deep and hard. You will give her what she wants. This is the best kriffing day of your life. You move harder. You pound into her. You whisper her name and other stuff that would probably make her blush if she wasn’t begging you to come inside her. How the hell did you two not do this before? You know why, but you still ask that question.

You are rutting into her like you will die if you stop. Her fingernails dig in to your back. You are kissing her. You are biting and grunting. Sweat slicked mess against the covers neither of you bothered to actually get under. You are so close. You can tell she is too. It’s building deep in your gut, muscles tense, body faltering as you mess up the pace. She’s just so perfect and you could bury yourself inside her forever. You tell her you love her again and somehow that’s what makes her come. She’s throbbing and pulling you further inside. And you fall over the edge into oblivion. You fill her. Jerking and groaning. So completely amazed that this could be happening to you after every crappy and stupid thing you’ve done. You thought the dark side could make you happy once. Rey makes you happy. This is so much better than going dark.

You try to catch your breath. She’s kissing your face. Your eyes. Your mouth. A little scar just under your eyebrows. She even kisses your forehead and then she says something you didn’t expect to hear. “I love you too.”

One day you are going to marry this girl. You will have kids with her. You will tell those kids about the scavenger from Jakku that changed your life. You’ll avoid the mistakes your parents made, and you’ll proudly watch the grandparents spoil your babies rotten. You will not let the damage define you. You will never be alone again. One day, you will wake up, and you won’t care about regrets. Everything about this life will outweigh the time wasted on a drug. You have become strong. You feel like kriffing royalty. This girl in your arms will become your next addiction, you’ve developed a taste, and you think you can live with that.

You will be right.