Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

There is something Anakin isn’t telling him.

There is something Anakin isn’t telling anyone.

And if he doesn’t, Obi-Wan fears that Anakin will lose something in himself he may never get back.

“Anakin?” He asks and his former, newly knighted, padawan doesn’t twist to face Obi-Wan. He stays facing the durasteel wall, bland as can be, his breaths even and his eyes closed.

Obi-Wan would think that perhaps he was meditating, but that’s absolutely not likely so…

So he isn’t really sure whats happening.

Anakin’s breath hitches, his eyes squeeze tighter, two crystal tears slipping down his cheeks in the moonlight.

“Anakin, please… Please talk to me?” He begs, going to stand beside him and reach down for his hand. There is too much in his eyes as Anakin opens them, blue seas of anger and hurt. Obi-Wan reaches out, clasps Anakin’s arm and leans in slightly.

Anakin lets himself be guided into an embrace, buries his face into his Master’s shoulder, stifling light sobs. Obi-Wan knows better than to say anything else, just allows them to sit until he drifts off to sleep, Anakin safe in his arms.

Anakin feels Obi-Wan drift off, feels him slump slightly on top of him and smiles slightly. The guilt is suffocating at times like these, times where Anakin knows just how good Obi-Wan is.

He doesn’t deserve the love Obi-Wan so freely gives him.

It’s easy to pretend that he can’t feel the things Obi-Wan expresses through the force.

Easy to pretend that becoming a knight didn’t change things between them.

Easy to pretend he didn’t kark it all up far before it even had a chance to begin.

His com buzzes in his pocket.

He takes out his com, looking down at who is calling and feels an even bigger surge of guilt overwhelm him.

Padmé. His wife.

Oh force, what has he done?

He ignores the com because in this rare moment, he wants to pretend that he is just Obi-Wan’s.

He wants to pretend that things are as they should be.

He wants to pretend that he isn’t the worst sentient in the galaxy.

Eventually, he drifts off to sleep too, allowing him a night in the arms of the man he loves.

Anakin is keeping something from him.

Anakin is keeping something and it’s killing him from the inside out.

Anakin is keeping something from him because he knows it will hurt him and Obi-Wan is afraid to ask what it is.

Obi-Wan shouldn’t be doing this. He shouldn’t be following the man he loves as he leaves the temple.

He shouldn’t…

But that wont change the fact that he is.

Anakin had taken a phone call late the night before, out on the balcony when he thought Obi-Wan had fallen to sleep.

He feels bad for deceiving Anakin, but a meditative trance isn’t quite the same. Just enough to fake it, but not quite the same.

Apparently just enough to fool Anakin though.

The call had been with someone who wasn't Obi-Wan and the content? Well…

“What?” Anakin whispers, his posture tense. The man is scrubbing his face with his palm.

“Okay? I’m sorry, I couldn’t get away… You know how Obi-Wan is, Babe, so constricting!” Anakin lifts his hand to his mouth, biting down on his thumb nails.

“Yeah. Mhm. Goodnight, I love you too,” he says and ends the call, slipping back into their quarters and under Obi-Wan’s arm like nothing had happened.

Obi-Wan feels he has every right to be suspicious of the man he loves.

Anakin walks to a speeder and boards it, flying off into the night and Obi-Wan gives up even though deep down…

He knows where Anakin is going.

He knows who else he is going home to.

The ache in his chest hurts more than he’d like to think about.

He turns and goes back to bed.

Anakin walks into Padmé’s apartment, completely ready to tell the woman the truth.

But she’s there and she’s willing and happy.

She isn’t weighted down by the pressures of being a Jedi.

With Padmé, there are no rules.

He smiles when she wraps her arms around her neck and allows Padmé to lead him to bed, putting Obi-Wan out of his mind for the night.

Anakin has a secret and he’s keeping it from him.

Anakin is in love with someone else and keeping it from him.

And to think Obi-Wan was worried about Anakin losing a part of himself…

Its Obi-Wan who has lost his heart.

Convincing the council should be hard. There is a war going on and he is a general, but they must see something in his eyes because they let him go.

“Enjoy your leave, Obi-Wan. We look forward to seeing you in top form when you return,” Mace grants him leave and they share a look.

“Thank you, Masters, I very greatly appreciate this,” he says and takes off after he bows, rushing from the council chambers towards his own chambers. He quickly grabs robes and a few other necessities, shoving them into a bag.

He doesn’t want to be there when he gets back from the Senator’s apartment.

Scratch that, he can’t be here.

Mace meets him in the hangar bay.

“Obi-Wan, the council has been notified of your request to separate your quarters from Skywalker. Is there something you’d like to talk about?” He says and there is real concern in his eyes. Obi-Wan smiles, looking down at his feet. He’s not sure when he earned Mace’s friendship, but he’s never been more grateful for it.

“No… I think he’s just ready to be on his own,” he makes the excuse and Mace sees it for what it is, but he just twists his lips and stays silent.

He trusts Obi-Wan to talk when he is ready, something Obi-Wan appreciates so much at the moment.

“Goodbye, My Friend, I will see you when I return,” Obi-Wan says, heading up the ramp to the ship the order is gifting him during his leave.

“Goodbye, Obi-Wan. When you return, I’ll have a restraining order all written up and waiting for your signature!” Obi-Wan just laughs as the door closes.

The cockpit is small, but Obi-Wan knows where he is going.

He hears Mandalore is nice this time of year and there isn’t a better person to clear his head with than Satine.

When Anakin sets foot in the hangar bay, Mace Windu is waiting for him with his best angry face. Anakin nearly turns and walks off the edge. He’s fairly certain death is better than dealing with whatever Mace thinks he’s done this time.

“Well, Skywalker, you’ve done it this time,” the man huffs, rubbing his bald head in frustration.

“Done wha-?”

“I don’t care what it was, but you fix it or it’s your funeral,” he yells, spinning on his heal and leaving the bay.

Anakin shrugs, casting it off as Mace blaming him like he always does for nothing.

He casts it off until he enters his quarters.

“Obi-Wan?” He calls, walking further into the room. Its eerily silent and he receives no response. He huffs, making his way into Obi-Wan’s room.

“Obi-Wan?” He calls again, finally looking up and paying attention.

The drawers are open and empty, the bed is stripped. Obi-Wan’s river-stone and Qui-Gon’s lightsaber are gone from the ledge of the viewport. Obi-Wan’s padawan braid and the holo from Anakin’s knighting ceremony are gone as well.

Loss runs through his body faster than he can blink and he sinks to the floor.

Obi-Wan is gone.

“Mace!” He’s shouting, but he doesn’t care, “Mace!”

“For force sake, Skywalker, keep your voice down,” the man says, leaning in to Anakin’s space.

“Where is he?” Anakin asks, breathing heavily from running after the council member at top speed. Once he had gotten past the initial shock and panic of finding Obi-Wan’s room empty, he had taken off to track down Mace.

“I don’t know,” the man says, signing off on something a random Jedi hands him before turning his attention back to Anakin.

“Really, Skywalker, I don’t. If I did I still wouldn’t tell you, but I don’t. Fix your own mistake this time.” With that, Anakin is left alone, Mace Windu leaving him in his dust as he tends to the day to day duties of his busy life.

Anakin hangs his head and heads back to his quarters.

He tries not to cry when the name plate that indicated Obi-Wan had lived there for ten odd years is gone.

Just like Obi-Wan himself.

Anakin didn’t think it would come to this… His secrets.

His secrets had caught up to him.

And now, he feels like something has died inside of him.

Obi-Wan is gone for four weeks. He spends them on Mandalore, Alderaan, Naboo, and… Stewjon. He finds pieces of himself along the way, spends his time remembering the worst and best parts of his life, spending the afternoons in the company of longtime friends.

He is happy for the first time in a while, even though the weight of losing Anakin is indeed a heavy one.

He doesn’t have any secrets that he’s kept from Anakin.

And now that he’s free from the weight of Anakin’s, freedom tastes sweet.

Anakin is there when he gets back, eyes darkened with bags that shouldn’t be there and emptier where they used to be so full of life.

Obi-Wan smiles at Mace who stands on the opposite side and walks by Anakin, not even sparing him a glance.

Anakin can have his secrets.

He can have Padmé Amidala.

Or he can have Obi-Wan.

But not everything...

And in the end,

It’s not Obi-Wan’s fault if he took the initiative and chose for him, is it?

Chapter Text

Obi-Wan sees him sometimes, the boy that almost ruined him. Anakin looks torn up, his eyes sinking more and more with every passing day, but Obi-Wan can’t bring himself to speak to him.

Anakin made a choice to stay with both of them and it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t Obi-Wan’s job to love a married man and it isn’t his job to fix him.

“Obi-Wan!” A ragged, hoarse voice calls. He turns to face the man who ruined him before, still threatens to cripple him now. He had found himself on his journey away, had fixed part of what was so empty, but even now he misses Anakin.

Misses the constant companionship he had in his life for the last ten years.

But attachment is not for Jedi for a reason and even if it was, his relationship with Anakin did him more harm than good. The boy viewed both him and the Senator as possessions and people aren’t that.

A person isn’t a thing that belongs to someone else, something Anakin has always struggled to understand despite his background.

“Yes, Knight Skywalker?” He quirks an eyebrow and keeps his voice stable, a gentle serene front in his force signature.

“Obi-Wan, please,” the man who still owns half of Obi-Wan’s heart pleads and part of Obi-Wan’s resolve crumbles and his eyes soften just a tiny amount.

But that tiny amount has Anakin grasping at straws, hoping to catch a piece of love from the man who until four months prior had always readily offered it.

“Obi-Wan, I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I stay with her-“ Obi-Wan’s eyes ice over and his posture stiffens as he holds up a hand to silence the man before him.

He hasn’t left her even now, his mind hisses and Obi-Wan tries not to flinch openly.

“Have a pleasant evening, Knight Skywalker,” he says, briskly walking in the opposite direction than the one he had been previously headed to see Mace for lunch. He would comm his friend and have him meet him in his private quarters for the meal.

“Obi-Wan!” The voice of the man who hurts Obi-Wan so much calls again and he spins on his heal to look at him again, no longer determined to take the high road.

“It’s Master Kenobi to you, Knight Skywalker,” he calmly says but his eyes say it all.

Leave me alone, Anakin. I don’t ever want to see you again.

The force of it freezes Anakin where he stands and Obi-Wan has to refrain from sprinting out of the corridor.

He can’t run from this anymore.

Anakin won't choose him. Not in this universe.

“I refuse the mission,” Obi-Wan says, boldly facing the council and any hope that had been in Anakin’s force signature dies as Obi-Wan refuses the mission they were to be sent on together.

“You cannot and will not refuse, Master Kenobi. You are the best team we have and it is necessary to send you,” Mace says and his body language is open, his eyes sorry, but Obi-Wan still feels betrayal weigh him down like ichor in his veins.

He was not meant to carry the blood of a god and he couldn’t bear the weight of Anakin Skywalker for a second more.

“I-“

“Go, you will, Obi-Wan. A choice, you do not have. A choice, we do not have,” Yoda says and it’s the closest thing Obi-Wan will get to an apology from either of them so he swallows, nods, and bows respectfully before storming from the council chambers.

He ignores Mace’s comm later that night, but he will be at the hangar the next morning to ship out with his own personal villain.

“We have to work cordially,” Obi-Wan says and Anakin turns, jaw hanging open and confusion lacing his features. Obi-Wan isn’t looking at him.

Does he want to make up?

“That means you will address me by my title and only communicate with me in terms that are appropriate for the mission… Do you understand?” He asks, and Anakin nods, not trusting his voice not to fail him in his anguish.

But-

“Obi-Wan, I miss you,” he whispers and Obi-Wan finally sharply looks at him.

“Not enough to choose! You don’t miss me, Anakin, because you’re still lying to both Padmé and me! You don’t get to have us both,” he says and there are angry tears gathering in his eyes.

“General!” Obi-Wan walks over to Cody when he calls, smiling gently at his Commander. He doesn't even glance back in Anakin's direction.

Anakin feels the chasm in his chest crack wider.

“I choose you, Obi-Wan,” he says one evening under the stars, his breath coming quickly from anticipation. Obi-Wan has hope in his eyes and a soft small smile growing from cheek to cheek.

“You do?” His voice is quiet, full of an innocent disbelief and Anakin nearly weeps. He had broken this man so much-

“I do, I love you,” he says and he is telling the truth.

“Oh, Anakin, I love you too.”

Hope tastes sweet like the peaches from Chandrila in both of their mouths.

When they return to Coruscant, Anakin rushes to Padmé’s to break things off with her, he doesn’t want to spend anymore time with her than he has to. He wants to hold Obi-Wan and never let him go.

The woman meets him at the door, throwing herself into his arms.

“Oh, Ani, the most wonderful thing has happened,” she cries and Anakin stiffens, posture freezing where he stands.

He chose too late.

He was too late.

“I’m pregnant,” she whispers and Anakin feels his world collapse.

Somehow he manages to stay standing and hold her in his arms, whispering empty promises.

He was too late and too selfish and he was going to lose Obi-Wan because of it.

He sullenly goes back to Obi-Wan three days later, the guilt keeping him from returning sooner.

Not only had he not broken things off, he was going to be a father.

He had to do the right thing by those children and his-

And his wife.

When Obi-Wan opens the door his smile is radiant, but it slowly dies as he sees the look on Anakin’s face.

“No…” He breathes and Anakin flinches, tears gathering in his eyes.

“Obi-Wan, I’m so sor-“ But the man stops him with a hand and a shaky laugh.

“I should have known… No one ever chooses me,” he says, the last bit a heart-wrenching whisper. He glances up at Anakin with hard eyes and a steely determination behind the glassy tears that have formed there.

“Have a pleasant evening, Knight Skywalker,” he says and the door slides shut in Anakin’s face.

He collapses to his knees and cries.

And when the nightmares start he almost selfishly wants them to come true. If Padmé is gone, then he can be with Obi-Wan.

But the reality is that Obi-Wan is not a fool and his growing relationship with Quinlan Vos is the talk of the temple.

Obi-Wan really did choose for him in the end.

He can’t have Obi-Wan, so he has to keep Padmé.

And when he slices through Mace Windu’s arm, he knows no matter what, Obi-Wan is lost to him.

He has to save what he can.

“Just help me save Padmé’s life, I can’t live without her…”

And on Mustafar, when Obi-Wan shows up, he chokes the life from his wife in anger.

How dare they both turn on him?

He and Obi-Wan race across the molten world, blue blades clashing and when his body catches fire and his limbs tumble down the hill into lava, it hurts so much less than when a broken Obi-Wan cries,

“You were everything to me, Anakin, I loved you!”

Chapter Text

Years later, Obi-Wan sits on Tatooine, a small holo in his hand.

You will come to me, Obi-Wan, or I will kill the family you watch over.

The eery voice of the monster he used to love haunts his brain. His ears hear it echoing on the wind, being carried across the sandy expansive desert of Tatooine. The land is empty and there is no mistaking who Vader threatens in his haste to bring Obi-Wan’s death to fruition.

Luke…

The innocent boy with the beautiful blue eyes that reminds Obi-Wan of his love in the best way. Luke is all of the best parts of Anakin, the parts that didn’t ruin them.

And he is Padmé also, a boy full of peace and hope for all of the galaxy to prosper. The boy is kind and loving and not so rash that he yells often. His temper is stable, a normal level for a boy his age going through the changes boys do as they grow. He helps his Aunt and Uncle to the best of his abilities always and pets the banthas as they slowly make their way by the farm he lives on.

He cannot allow Anakin to destroy one more part of their shared life that brings Obi-Wan joy.

He cannot allow Anakin near Luke.

So, as unfortunate as it is…

He dials the comm Vader gave him in the message and surrenders himself over to the darkness that has hunted him since he fled the fiery banks of Mustafar.

The creature that greets him is not the boy he remembers…

His voice is mechanical, a sure result of their battle on the molten planet. Obi-Wan feels remorse for his boy, the one he shared life with for so long. Gone is Anakin’s golden curls and warm skin. His blue eyes and signature smirk. The richness of his voice is gone, the man completely unrecognizable to Obi-Wan even now.

Obi-Wan allows a hand to reach out and touch the helmet that hides Anakin behind it. The man is still as a statue and he makes no move to stop or question Obi-Wan as he trails his fingers along the metal and plastic that encase Anakin Skywalker. That create Darth Vader in every single waking moment.

“We will depart at once,” he rumbles and Obi-Wan’s breath catches in his throat. He had thought Luke would accompany him. when Vader realizes Obi-Wan is not following he half turns, his armor reflecting the setting twin suns.

“He is safer here for now,” and it’s the only explanation Obi-Wan thinks he will get.

The star destroyer is cold when they enter it, much colder than Obi-Wan is used to and he shivers audibly, Vader cocking his head in Obi-Wan’s direction.

“I forgot what the desert does to human equilibrium,” he says and orders a stormtrooper to grab Obi-Wan a coat. It is a sign of kindness Obi-Wan isn’t expecting and the man blinks in utter shock when less than a minute later a heavy coat is pressed into his arms, the trooper saluting to Vader before scurrying off to hopefully live another day.

“Put it on,” he orders and they make their way down long durasteel hallways until they reach what must be Vader’s chambers.

The inside is monotone; grays, blacks, and whites creating a menacing place to reside, so unlike the way their Jedi quarters used to look. There are no keepsakes, no holopics of Anakin and Ahsoka or Anakin and Obi-Wan. Not even the one Anakin had treasured the most when he was younger; one of he and Obi-Wan at Dex’s on his tenth birthday.

All traces of Anakin are gone.

Obi-Wan shivers again, but this time it’s one of deep sorrow and regret.

“Why do you shiver?” The imitation asks and Obi-Wan looks up into his mask, again bringing his hand up to stroke the helmet in awe.

“Is it really you?” He wonders aloud and Vader’s head tilts in confusion.

“Do you not recognize what you’ve done to me?” The voice that will forever haunt Obi-Wan asks and he flinches, looking away from Vader towards the floor.

Soft fingers reach beneath his chin and bring his view up to where Anakin’s eyes should be, but there is only black lenses there, tints of red shining through from this proximity.

“Why haven’t you killed me?” He asks and this time when Vader takes his hand, Obi-Wan allows himself to be lead without fighting it.

He never answers.

The inside of the pod is white.

So white Obi-Wan has to blink several times to adjust to the light in it. The air is pure oxygen and he tries to dull the horror raging inside of him as Vader’s pod removes his helmet, a machine lowering to unclasp and remove the offensive thing with a sharp hiss.

When he finally looks at Anakin, the man’s eyes are yellow and his face a hideous thing, one as unrecognizable as the mask itself.

“Why am I here?” He asks and Anakin smiles, the smirk still the same and Obi-Wan wants to cry.

“Because I chose you, even if I couldn’t have you then… I can have you now,” Vader says, voice reverent as if in prayer and Obi-Wan chokes on a sob, looking towards the wall and deciding to not face him again.

“You may cry, Obi-Wan, but I’ve missed you terribly and… And I would prefer if you didn’t.” Obi-Wan finally looks back at the man he loves even now despite it all and his eyes are swimming with tears.

“You have done such horrible things,” he breathes and Vader’s eyes clench closed.

“I was a weak man who didn’t realize the path I was on until it was far too late,” he says and Obi-Wan swallows.

“Obi-Wan… I wanted you. I really did choose you, but… When I got back to Coruscant, Padmé was pregnant and I felt I had to stay with her,” he says and Obi-Wan is still crying. The man in front of him is a monster, does horrible things.

But here and now, despite everything he has done and may continue to do, Obi-Wan still loves him.

But now it is him that must turn away from what they could be.

“I’m sorry Anakin, but I can’t choose you like this. Not while you serve the Dark Side the way you do,” he says and Vader’s eyes harden, his hand raises, and Obi-Wan knows no more.

He wakes up on a bed, the room much darker than the pod had been and he realizes the blankets are quite comfortable. He rustles around in them a bit before he fully awakens and hears the respirator from Vader’s suit. He sits up quite suddenly.

“Anakin?” He asks and Vader makes no moves.

“That name no longer has any meaning for me,” the man says and Obi-Wan shuffles to the ends of the bed.

“Are you sure? Because if it doesn’t then I don’t know why I’m here,” he says and Vader stands, coming to sit next to Obi-Wan on the bed.

“I-“ he starts, but stops. Eventually, he continues, “I have wronged you and the galaxy very much over the years, Obi-Wan. Of that I know, but I would like to make it up to you,” he says and it isn’t Anakin’s voice, but the words are familiar.

Less impulsive, carefully chosen, but Anakin all the same.

“How would you even begin to attempt that?” He says and the helmet lowers to look towards the ground.

“We kill the Emperor.”

Obi-Wan’s mouth falls open, the shock somehow allowing him to agree.

It’s months later that find Anakin and Obi-Wan standing over Sidious’ body.

Obi-Wan feels joy for the first time in so long, the air feeling lighter and lighter until-

The air forces its way from his chest suddenly and he falls, clasping at his heart blindly.

A bond not unlike the one they used to share has been forced on him and when he looks up a red guard member carries a screaming Luke over his shoulder.

Obi-Wan feels his heart crack open and he looks up at Vader with tears in his eyes.

“Why?” He asks and Vader laughs, the sound off in the vocalizer, before reaching up and taking it off manually, a feat Obi-Wan didn’t think him capable of.
His injuries have been healed substantially since Obi-Wan was with him in the pod months earlier.

“Because you always told me when I was younger I could have it all and now… Now, I do. I have the galaxy, i have the power, I have my heir, and I have you,” he laughs again and Obi-Wan feels his stomach lurch.

“I trusted you!” He yells and Vader kneels, the beginnings of blonde curls hanging slightly onto his forehead as he does so.

“You can either have me, Obi-Wan, or you die… And in the end, is it really that bad if I choose for you?” It’s not supposed to be a question and Obi-Wan despairs as Anakin, because now he looks like Anakin again and it’s somehow worse, picks him up and carries him off to their new life.

Obi-Wan hugs Bail at a party, the man handing Obi-Wan Leia who is still so small. The girl is only four as Obi-Wan smiles at her.

She is young, but she is now the galaxy’s last hope.

And just like that, forced into the love he had left behind long before, Obi-Wan once again has to stop Anakin.

The girl is his mission now.

His new hope.