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Some days were worse than others and today was one of those days. Yuuri tried listening to his own breathing, desperately tried to hold the air in his lungs before exhaling. It didn’t work. He could still feel his heart hitting his rib cage almost violently, small jolts of pain radiating through his chest.
The cold sweat running down Yuuri’s back had long saturated the fabric of his grey shirt and had started to wet the cotton sheet below him. It was uncomfortable, making Yuuri feel the embarrassment from when he had wet himself when he was three. On days like these, Yuuri could still feel the tears run down his chubby cheeks when he had found out after waking up from his dream.
He felt like that again now, unable to block out the rushing sound of his own blood in his ears while lying in the dark and staring at the wall opposite their bed. A bed Yuuri was in alone and which felt way too big. Instead of the soft blanket he had wrapped around himself, the emptiness around Yuuri seemed to be what was surrounding him, silence echoing off the walls like the scream he was desperately keeping trapped in his throat.
The smell didn’t help either. Yuuri had tried to bury his face in Viktor’s pillow when he had felt the familiar tightness in his throat, had inhaled his fiancé’s scent as if his life depended on it. And yet all it had done was to increase the speed with which his heart was beating as he imagined the ghost of Viktor’s fingers running soothing circles on Yuuri’s back. That was when the tears had started to fall and small sobs escape Yuuri’s throat.
He could feel Viktor in every corner of the room, only had to look up to see him kneel in front of the bed like he had done the night before while pressing his lips against Yuuri’s forehead. Yuuri remembered a soft smile ghosting his own lips as he had felt loved, content, and safe.
“I could move the interview….” Viktor had said while pulling back a little and locking his ocean eyes with Yuuri’s earthen ones. Yuuri could drown in his eyes and would be happy to do so, wouldn’t mind being lost to the waves of the endless ocean they promised.
“You already did. Twice. Even a living legend has to stick to appointments eventually.” Yuuri had replied with a lighter voice than he had thought his heavy heart could muster. He had already missed Viktor then despite the other man being right in front of him. And that really was the worst, wasn’t it? Already missing someone while they are still with you. Just the thought of Viktor flying out to France the next morning had made Yuuri miss him and yet he had managed to say goodbye with a smile on his face and an open wound in his heart, whispering a small ‘please come back to me’ after the door had already closed..
The day itself hadn’t been so bad, training with the rest of the Russian team under Yakov’s supervision always kept him sufficiently distracted from cold tingle on the back of his neck, from the growing discomfort right below his skin. And yet he couldn’t get himself to accept the invitation Yuri had extended to him with his usual scowl. Instead, he had walked home and spent the evening with Makkachin while watching the training videos that Yakov had taken for Viktor so he could continue Yuuri’s training easily once he came back. Everything had been fairly manageable and Yuuri had been confident he would be fine. Until he went to bed.
Letting his eyes roam the room, they stopped at the alarm clock, which accusingly told him that it was now 4:28am in St. Petersburg. They were only an hour apart and Yuuri knew that Viktor would be deep asleep by now. They had spoken right before Yuuri went to bed, had spoken about their days and how Viktor would be back in only a few days. Yuuri knew the trip had been long overdue, had felt guilty for his heart leaping with joy when Viktor had cancelled the previous appointments.
But of course they had to be rescheduled eventually, the approaching date hanging over Yuuri’s head like a guillotine. He couldn’t be selfish enough to tell Viktor to stay. He had always known their arrangement and lives would come with travelling and inevitable time apart. And yet it hurt to see Viktor walk out of the door or be the one that had to walk out on some days. It always felt like Yuuri was left without any air to breathe.
Yuuri closed his eyes, willing his clenching fingers to let go of his arms, wincing when they did so and he could feel his nails leave bloody imprints on his arms. He slowly pushed the blanket aside, shivering at the cold air hitting his soaked clothes and drenched skin. He needed to change and shower before he caught a cold. With a deep sigh, Yuuri pushed himself into a sitting position, his lungs protesting after the abuse his panic attack had exposed them to.
Ignoring the dizziness as good as possible, Yuuri got on his feet, supporting himself against the bed frame. He hated feeling this weak more than anything, was glad Viktor couldn’t see him right now. After making sure that his legs wouldn’t give in, Yuuri made his way to the bathroom. He discarded his clothes while waiting for the water to heat up. The room started filling with steam and Yuuri was just about to step under the stream of hot water when he heard the familiar sound of his phone ringing.
Slightly confused, Yuuri made his way back to the bedroom, picking up his phone from the nightstand where it had been lying upside-down. The moment he saw by now familiar cyrillic letters, he could feel the room closing in on him again. Willing his voice to sound stable, Yuuri guided his shaking fingers to accept the call.
“Yuuri?” Just the sound of Viktor’s voice was almost too much, flooding Yuuri with emotions too strong to keep bottled up and he felt a small sob rise in his throat.
“Vitya, it’s not even 4am, you should be sleeping?” Yuuri said softly, knowing full well that his voice betrayed his recent panic to his fiancé when he heard Viktor take a deep breath on the other end of the line.
“Shhh, it’s alright, love.” Viktor said softly, wrapping his voice around Yuuri like he would his arms if he were home. Yuuri felt his shoulders drop and some of the tension he had felt only moments ago suddenly left him. The tears running down his cheeks still hurt but this time they also came with a sense of relief.
“I miss you. I miss you, Vitya.” Yuuri managed to choke out, not caring about his trembling voice anymore. He could still feel the burning ache in his chest that he knew would only disappear when Viktor had returned but at least it didn’t feel so overwhelming anymore.
“I love you, I’ll be back tomorrow.” Viktor answered, voice heavy with the same emotions Yuuri could feel raging inside him.
“But your interv-” Yuuri started, just to be interrupted by a small shushing sound from his fiancé again.
“The other magazines weren’t opposed to last minute rescheduling when a certain swiss skater decided he would unfortunately only be available a few days later.” Viktor said, a hint of amusement playing in his words when he described the of course absolutely coincidental actions from Chris. Yuuri made a mental note to invite him over soon as a thank you. “I managed to get a flight in the late afternoon so I’ll be with you in the evening.” Viktor finished, filling Yuuri’s chest with a lightness he hadn’t felt all day.
“I’ll pick you up at the airport.” Yuuri said, looking at the golden ring that gleamed in the low light of the room that didn’t feel quite as empty anymore with their voices filling the space between the walls.