Chapter Text
Jim sat in his chair on the bridge of the Enterprise. Surrounded by his alpha shift crew, he felt at home. It had been a month since they left earth, a month since their 5 year mission had started and they were on route to their first destination in deep space.
It had taken a year, but Jim had finally recovered from Khans attack. From his death. The admiralty had granted him the privilege of captaining the longest mission ever attempted. He was back on his ship. He was home.
Gazing out of the screen in front of him, Jim thought about his last year, grounded on earth. He had spent a two whole months in the Starfleet hospital, thanks to Bones. He hadn't let Jim leave until he was confident that Jim could survive on his own. It took him a couple of week to even start walking again. Thinking back to that time now made Jim feel nauseous. He had always been an independent person, able to cope in even the harshest conditions on his own, but for those two months, Jim had been totally reliant on everyone around him. It had been awful. The pitying looks he received from his visitors, the look in the nurses eyes a she spoon fed him soup. He could practically hear her thinking 'He'll never captain a ship again'.
Jim shifted in his chair, trying to expel the feeling of nausea and dread. It was a feeling he was used to, Bones told him it was part of his PTSD, but it was never usually this bad. He could feel the emotions wash over his body. His hands started to shake, breath beginning to shorten. He realised what was going on not a moment too soon. He was having a panic attack.
He had to get out of there. He couldn’t let any of his crew see him like this. They would think he wasn’t fit for duty. They would report him to Starfleet.
"Spock, take the Con" he gasped as he practically ran to the turbo lift. As soon as the doors closed, he collapsed against the wall, breathing heavily and shaking all over. The turbo lift took him to the empty observation deck (thank God). He stumbled out and on to the floor.
He made an effort to slow his breathing, trying to remember how to deal with it, but his brain was fuzzy. He couldn’t think right. All he could see and feel was khan's face, and the pain of his death in the radiation chamber. His breath sped up as he tried to get oxygen to his brain. Somehow, it only made him feel worse. He didn’t know how long he'd been sprawled out on the floor. It felt like a year, but also a second simultaneously. He was sure he was going to pass out soon.
But then Spock was there, kneeling in front of him.
"Captain, are you alright?"
"Spock" he gasped, but couldn’t utter anything further.
"Hold on Captain" Spock told him as he swept Jim into his arms, bridal style. Then Jim passed out.
As soon as he awoke, Jim knew he was in the sick bay by the smell of antiseptic in his nose, and the comfortable bed on which he was lying. Sitting up and rubbing his eyes, he looked around, immediately spotting the familiar sight of Bones approaching armed with a tricorder and a hypospray. Jim instantly feared for his health.
"Calm down, I just need to scan you." he said as he approached, sensing Jim’s apprehension. The latter sighed, and slumped back into his pillows.
"What happened?" he asked his friend.
"What do you remember?" Bones asked cautiously.
"I was..." he sighed again, he'd forgotten why he was here. That could mean either one of two things, he had gotten himself totally shitfaced, and had the world’s worst hangover or... "I had a panic attack, didn't I?"
"You don't remember?"
Jim thought back for a second.
"I remember it starting on the bridge, I had to get outta there, but my memories blank after that."
"Spock found you on the observation deck, brought you here unconscious." Jim nodded at the doctors words. Sounded about right to him.
"Jim, has this happened before?" Bones asked.
"Yeah, but not recently." he answered, adding "after Tarsus."
Bones nodded, not needing him to say anything further. His friend was well aware of the horrors of Jims past.
"To be honest, I’m surprised this sort of thing didn't happen sooner." Bones said, continuing the conversation. Jim looked at him questioningly.
"And you still released me for duty?"
Bones smirked and sat on his bed.
"I know you Jim" he started, looking at him. "If you're not on your ship, then you're not happy. If you’re not happy, you'll have a very low chance of recovering from this. Believe me, I know what I’m doing."
"Does that mean I can go and Captain my ship now?" Jim asked hopefully.
"Nice try kid, but no" Bones answered. "You’re going to have to let me do my job on this ship, and get you better."
Jim let out a groan of frustration.
"Quit you moaning, as soon as I’m done running your blood work you can leave." Bones rolled his eyes at Jim and got up to leave the room, muttering under his breath.
Jim glanced around the room. It wasn't unfamiliar, it was the room he was put in every time he was injured on an away mission, which was way too often in Bones' opinion. He instantly felt agitated. He had never felt at ease in hospitals, even with his experience of being a patient so many times. He also had nothing to do. Thankfully, he wasn't connected to any machinery, so there wasn't a constant, annoying beep. There was just a vitals machine above his head that would go off if he was close to cardiac arrest or something.
He decided to get out of bed and contact the bridge using the communicator on the wall.
"This is the Captain, come in bridge." He waited for a few moments for a response.
"Captain, this is Commander Spock, what is it that you require?" The Vulcans voice sounded as monotonous as ever.
"Commander, how's the ship? How close are we to our mission destination?"
There was a long pause, and Spock didn't reply.
"Report Commander" Jim said, in his most Captain-y voice.
"I apologise Captain" Spock finally said "I have been forbidden to reveal any information concerning out current mission status."
"Was it Bones that told you that?" Jim asked, frustrated.
"The Doctor seems to think it best for your health, Captain. I am therefore obliged to follow his advice."
Jim was starting to get angry.
"I'm the Captain of this ship, Spock, so I want to know where the hell we are" he protested.
There was another pause.
"I am aware of you status aboard this vessel and with all due respect Captain, I value your health above all other duties that are required of me as your First Officer. I suggest that you use this time to concentrate on recovering to your peak health. Bridge out."
Jim gaped at the wall communicator. He didn't know what surprised him more, the fact that Spock just admit he cared about Jim, or that the Vulcan hung up on him. Smirking a little at the thought of the former, he got back into his bed. He fully expected Bones to hypo him into oblivion if he was caught wandering around.
He started to fidget with the blankets after a minute of doing nothing. He briefly considered sending a Yeoman to get some paperwork from his office that needed doing. He decided against it, wanting to take Spock’s advice and rest. He reached for the bedside cabinet, and found the book he had started the last time he was there. 'A Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy' was sort of apt in his opinion, and in no time at all, he was lost in the story.