Chapter Text
"Can I have the last few?" Kyle asked.
He was already reaching out as Jason nodded. "Yeah, go ahead."
The two of them were sitting at a picnic table at Gotham's fairgrounds, a styrofoam cup filled with french fries sitting on the table between them.
Jason wasn't traveling as often as he had been before, setting roots down in Gotham despite the heat he took from his family for staying in town, so most of their meetings were happening in the city now.
When Jason had suggested spending their afternoon at the visiting carnival, Kyle had been a little hesitant. He didn't have anything against carnivals in general, he was just a little unsure about going to one in Gotham specifically. It seemed like exactly the kind of place one of Gotham's rogues would attack. Kyle didn't want to be in the middle of a crisis today, especially not one in Gotham since that would put him and Jason in contact with the Bats.
Eventually, Kyle had been won over by Jason's promises of greasy food and cheap stuffed animals.
Since Jason had given him permission to eat the last couple of french fries, Kyle grabbed the cup off the table and pulled it towards him. They'd ordered a medium so the cup wasn't exactly small, but having this hold on the cup was easier then trying to shove half his arm down it.
"We should get some more," Kyle said.
"Now? Or before we leave?"
He took a moment to throw the last of the fries into his mouth. Then as he chewed, enjoying the combination of greasy fries and too much vinegar, he said, "Definitely both."
Jason pulled a face at him. But instead of saying anything, he put his hands flat on the table. "Alright, come on then. Let's go find that fry booth again."
"Wait, really?"
He looked down at Kyle, the older man having made no motion to move and staring up at Jason with confused narrowed eyes. "What?"
"You're really gonna buy me two more things of fries? Without even teasing me for eating so much?"
"Yeah? I mean, I told you it was on me today."
"Which was weird in itself," Kyle said.
"I buy you stuff all the time!"
"Yeah, but you don't usually tell me you're going to do something like this. You tease me about it or whine about it. And then you just do nice things anyway." Before Jason could come up with a response, Kyle said, wielding the words like an accusation, "You've been weird all day. Something's wrong with you."
"Nothing's wrong with me." He opened his mouth to object, to tell Jason that he knew him well enough to tell when Jason was acting strange. The words got stopped in his throat when Jason said, "Something is wrong with you, though. If you wanted to talk about it, I assume you would have brought it up. We've never had a problem talking to each other about this stuff. But you didn't bring it up, so I figure don't want to talk about it. And since it's bothered you enough that you don't want to talk about it, I figure it won't hurt to not be a dick for a little bit."
"You're not a dick," Kyle objected, more instinctively than anything else.
His conversation with Dick the other day was still irritating him, unwanted words and too-late concern burying under his skin and itching as though there were spiders crawling through his blood, but he hadn't realized it was still irritating him so much that it was outwardly obvious.
"But something is wrong with you," Jason said. He made a gesture with his hand, the kind that bid Kyle to rise to his feet and follow him. "So let's go get you some more fries. And then we'll find some shooting game that I can use to win you an absurdly big stuffed animal."
It was several hours later, when the sun had gone down and the two of them were walking towards the parking lot where they'd left Jason's bike, that Kyle said, "It was Dick."
Jason hummed, soft and questioning.
Jason was holding a paper plate, picking at the cinnamon-coated elephant ear sitting on, while Kyle had a giant white unicorn with pink hair stuffed under his arm and a bag of cotton candy hanging loosely from his fingers. Both of them had complexions that were naturally darker but they had been outside for so long that they could still feel the lingering warmth
"The reason I've been upset," he elaborated. "It was Dick and something he said to me."
"What'd he say?"
Kyle wasn't quite sure why he was saying it now. It was something about the quiet around them, the dull roaring of the fairgrounds left behind, and the softness of the moment as they walked together. It was something about the warmth of his skin and the soreness of his throat, aching from all the screaming and laughing he'd done that afternoon. It was something about the way they had spent all day with their thighs squished together on too small rides and the tingling in Kyle's hand that came from it having brushed against Jason's so many times. There was something about all of this that made him want to spill his secrets, to lay himself bare in front of Jason and see what would happen.
"He tried to talk to me about you. He told me that he and Bruce were worried about all of the time that I'd been spending in Gotham with you. They thought I'd be better off without you."
"Ah." Jason breathed the word out, the sound so soft it seemed to float between them.
There was so much in that one sound that Kyle's heart ached. It was just one syllable, just one quick quiet noise, and yet there was so much wrapped up in it. There was the widening of the gap between Jason and his family, the quiet acceptance of their opinion of him, the barely there agreement that Jason was someone Kyle should stay clear of.
Kyle had been upset during his conversation with Dick because he didn't like Dick interfering with his and Jason's relationship after all of the time he'd spent not interfering when he should have. Now he found the conversation burrowing even further under his skin for making Jason feel this way.
"It's not true," Kyle said, vehemently.
"It could be," Jason said. "I'm not exactly a good guy anymore, Kyle, and I'm not planning on becoming one again. I kill people and I don't feel any remorse about it. On top of that I'm angry and aggressive and a fucking mess." He had been looking down at the food on his plate, but now he looked over at Kyle. "I'm not an idiot, Kyle. I know that even though you said it was fine if we were only friends, you're in love with me. You want more than that. And I'm not ready for that, but it would be stupid of me to lie and say I'm not in love with you too. I've been in love with you since I was fourteen." He looked away from Kyle again, eyes shifting away from him and out to the night sky above them instead. "You would be better without me. You'd be better off with someone who could love you the way you deserve to be loved and give you everything you deserve to be given. You-"
"Shut up," Kyle interrupted. He was tense with anger, body practically shaking with it. "Shut up."
"Kyle-"
"No!" Kyle said. Dick had angered him with what he had said, but hearing all of that from Jason had him boiling with rage in a way that he hadn't ever felt before. He turned to Jason, whipping around to look at him. "You don't get to say shit like that to me! You don't know what it was like for me when you were gone. You don't get to tell me that I'd be better off without you when you don't know what it was like - what I was like - when you were gone. I was a mess for years, Jason. Even when I got my shit together, when you died you took a part of me with you and even you coming back hasn't given that back to me." There had been a few inches between them, more than a foot, but now Kyle shifted so they were closer together. Shoving his way into Jason's space, he hissed out, "You don't get to decide that I'm better off without you, not when you don't know what it was like living without you."
Silence fell.
It was a long time before Jason nodded, just slightly.
"Alright," he said. "I shouldn't have made assumptions about your life."
"No," Kyle agreed. "You shouldn't have."
There was a tension that settled between them during the rest of their meetings that July, a quiet remnant of their argument at the fairgrounds.
The two of them went hiking at one of New Jersey's national parks the weekend after their trip to the carnival, something they'd had plans to do for a few weeks as they waited for the weather to drop to something other than sweltering. Usually their activities were filled with conversation and laughter. This time it was something quieter. This time it was quiet voices as they discussed routes, awkward pats on the arm as one of them pointed something out to the other, a wordless exchange of water bottles and snack packages when one of them had something the other wanted.
The next weekend, there was a showing of a the original Star Wars trilogy happening at a local movie theater. They were quiet for the most part, sitting next to each other but far enough apart that they weren't touching. Kyle hadn't realized how much he and Jason touched during these outings until the tension between them was thick enough to keep them from touching. Still, while the tension was there it had started smoothing over, though Kyle wasn't sure why. He had left most of his anger behind before their hiking trip but Jason had appeared to have still been mulling what Kyle had said over the last time they'd seen each other. Whatever had been bugging Jason seemed not to be bothering him as much anymore, though, because when they ordered pizza between the first and second movies the two of them were comfortable enough to banter about their pizza toppings.
By the third weekend, the two of them were practically back to normal. They happened to make their plans for a weekend when Jason's apartment was low on food, so instead of going anywhere exciting they ended up going to the farmers market that Jason bought his fruits and vegetables from. It was a little strange since Kyle had vivid memories of visiting the exact same market with Jason years earlier, picking vegetables up for Alfred and arguing over a package of strawberries that Kyle had bought for Jason. Ultimately, Kyle found himself just enjoying the time with Jason and the easy conversation they fell into. After weeks of awkwardness between them, it was nice to argue about what color apples tasted the best and laugh at how their fingers stained with blueberry juice.
Their relationship stabilized just in time for Jason's birthday, convenient timing that Kyle was thankful for. The two of them spent the day together. They started the day out having breakfast at a diner near Jason's place. Kyle ordered himself an omelet filled with cheese and ate half of Jason's specialty birthday pancakes. They spent the late morning and early afternoon in a bookstore, Jason running his hands over the spines of old books and Kyle grabbing anything Jason looked truly interested in off the shelf to buy for him. The total when they checked out was a little ridiculous, but Kyle didn't mind paying it given how happy Jason looked to be getting so many new books. They spent so long at the bookstore that by the time they left they were both ready for lunch. Jason wanted burgers so they grabbed some from a food truck near a local park, one that Jason was on a first name basis with the owners of, and then walked around until it time to go to the baseball game Kyle had bought them tickets for. They stuffed themselves full of stadium food, everything from nachos to frozen lemonade, until they were too full of grease to properly cheer.
By the time they got back to Jason's apartment that night, they had had such a nice day that neither of them were particularly eager for the night to end. Jason ended up inviting Kyle inside so the two of them could play video games until they passed out on Jason's couch, curled up together under a soft, fuzzy bright pink blanket.
Kyle couldn't think of a better way to spend Jason's birthday.
For years Jason's birthday had been one of the worst days of the year for Kyle, second only to the anniversary of Jason's death.
This year Kyle had gotten to spend both of those days with Jason, spending the day at Jason's side and having the time of their lives together.
"So how are things with Jason?"
"Huh?" Kyle said, speaking around a mouthful of onion rings. He looked up at Donna. "What?"
She gave him a small smile, amusement and affection displayed in equal measure. She repeated, "How are things with Jason?"
The two of them met up for lunch every couple of weeks, now that he was on Earth more often Kyle saw Donna almost as often as he saw Jason.
He liked that. Life on Oa was more similar to life on Earth than most people would have assumed, but there was an urgency and awareness to living there. There was a constant, nagging knowledge that he could be sent out on a mission at any moment. The same couldn't be said for Earth and sometimes it was nice to be in that more relaxed atmosphere, to spend sometime just being a stupid twenty-three year old having lunch with his best friend.
"Why're you asking?" Donna liked Jason, so Kyle didn't think she was going to warn him off Jason the way Dick had but there was a cautious part of him that felt a little protective of their relationship.
"I haven't heard from him in a while," Donna said. "I thought something might be wrong."
"You two talk?"
"Yes." Kyle wasn't sure why he found that so surprising. Jason and Donna had always had a good relationship. Jason had idolized Donna as a child. It wasn't so strange that the time they'd spent hopping around the multiverse together had caused a friendship to blossom out of that respect. "Like I said, though, I haven't heard from him in a while. I was getting a little worried."
"Oh. Well, I talked to him yesterday and he seemed fine." There had been a brief phone call about what the two of them were going to do that weekend. Jason wanted to go to a poetry thing at a local cafe. Kyle wanted to see the new exhibit opening at Gotham's art museum. Selina Kyle had contributed to it which meant there were bound to be a few rare pieces of dubious origins. There hadn't been a clear agreement about what to do that weekend, but they had laughed at how ridiculously artsy the argument was. Donna's words had him wondering if he'd missed something during their conversation though. "Did it seem like something was wrong the last time you spoke to him?"
"No. Nothing seemed any worse than usual," Donna said. "But Jason has been through a lot. He's still going through a lot. But he likes to act like none of that is true. And on the rare occasion that Jason actually admits to himself that there' something wrong, he won't tell us about it." She sighed, shoulders heaving and body slumping with something like exhausted exasperation. It was the kind of thing that came from loving a friend deeply, but being sad about the choices they made and exhausted with constantly having to watch them put themselves through hell. "He thinks that he has to do everything himself. He thinks that we're going to judge him or push him away when he asks us for help. Even though all we actually want is to help him and make him realize that he's allowed nice things."
Kyle hummed, thinking about what Donna had said.
He was in the middle of mulling it over when something about what she had said settled in his mind.
Oh, he thought. Oh.
"This should be a date," Kyle said as soon as Jason opened the apartment door.
Jason stared at him for a moment, obviously surprised, before letting out a, "What?"
"We should go to your poetry thing," Kyle said, "and it should be a date."
Jason was quiet.
Then he said, "I told you before that I'm not-"
"I know you think you're not ready to be dating again," he said, interrupting. "And if that's really the case than that's okay. We can ignore this entire conversation and go to the poetry thing anyway. It's not really fair of me to take that off the table just because you don't want to date me." He took a deep breath to steady himself, but then soldiered on before Jason could start talking. "But you said before that you love me and you know that I love you. I know that that doesn't necessarily mean that you're ready to take given everything you went through, but I also know that you told me before that you thought I didn't deserve to be stuck with someone like you. So I think that the problem isn't that you aren't ready to date, but that you still feel that way. You feel like you aren't good enough for me. That's not true, though. You're hurting and that hurt has changed who you are in irreversible ways. But I'm still in love with you and I'm always going to be." Kyle stepped closer to Jason, reaching out so he could put his hands on Jason's arms. "So we should go to your poetry thing and it should be a date. Alright?"
Another silence, this time longer.
Having said what he needed to say, Kyle found that this one was the most nerve-wrecking of all. He was willing to give Jason whatever time he needed and wait as long as Jason needed him to, but there was a part of him that desperately wanted to find out that Jason agreed with him.
It was a long time before Jason spoke, saying, "I'm a mess, Kyle. It's not all going to be fun dates and laughter this time, you know?"
"We were young last time. Things were fun dates and laughter because we were lucky enough not to have the stress and problems of adulthood back then," Kyle said. "If we had never been separated then we never would have reached something like this eventually. Maybe it wouldn't be as bad, but there was always bound to be a point in our lives were our relationship was more than just sunshine and daisies."
"This is a little more than stress over paying bills."
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I'm not ready to stick by your side through this." Jason had never shook Kyle off him, so Kyle squeezed. "I love you, Jay. I want to be with you. I want to stand by you and help you with whatever I can help with."
Jason sucked his bottom lip in, biting down on it.
He rolled it between his teeth for a moment before he said, "I'm not sure if I'm ready for all of that again, Kyle." He went to let go of Jason, opening his mouth to reaffirm that if Jason wasn't ready than Kyle would respect that, but before he could get there Jason shifted so Kyle's hands were on his instead of on his biceps. He slipped their fingers between Kyle's. "But I think....I think we can give it a try."
"Are you sure?" Kyle asked. Because he wanted this, but he didn't want Jason to agree just because Kyle had pushed him into it.
"No," Jason said, squeezing Kyle's hand tightly, "but I'm still willing to try it."