Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Gerard

There comes a point in a person’s life when you stop asking questions, when you stop wondering where it all went wrong. You don’t wonder at what point in life you stopped living. It doesn’t matter what turned your life into such a mess and your mess of a life doesn’t even bother you anymore. Even if you are on a downward spiral, it doesn’t matter. You don’t even realize it anymore. You just accept it and live with it. You carry on day after day as if everything is fine and at night you kill your sorrows like other creatures of the night.

“Chug! Chug! Chug!” my friends and half of the bar cheered as I downed mug after mug of beer. It was like a competition. My previous record was, I couldn’t quite remember, but I was aiming to beat whatever it was.

The bar was packed as usual and reeked of sweat, beer and cigarette smoke, but who didn’t love the familiar mix of scents. This was where we all came to escape reality. This was freedom or at least as free as we’ll ever get from our lives as they were, be it good or bad.

My friends and I drank gallons of beer a night not including the several shots of tequila and vodka or whatever else we drank. Naturally it wasn’t healthy at all, but who cared. We were having a blast and enjoying life, none of us even thinking about the hang-over we’ll be suffering the next morning or the fact that we all have work the next day. Life always carried on the next day, but tonight…Tonight was all ours. Every night was.

I picked up another mug of beer and soon it too was empty.

Everyone’s cheers grew louder and louder. “Jug! Jug! Jug!” I was the main event or at least the main attraction for the time being. It was like that night after night. Whoever attempted to beat the record would be the center of attention. It was actually a really sad game…who was the biggest alcoholic?

I came halfway with the last mug before stopping and spluttering for air. All the beer was making me feel sick already and I felt slightly lightheaded. However, the sound of the bar erupting into cheers made me forget all that and I grinned proudly. Bert lifted my arm high in the air announcing my victory.

“This is my best friend! Proud of you man!” Then he laughed, “I’ll have to practice to keep up with you.”

“You’ll never keep up!” Joe, another one of my friends, said. “You couldn’t even keep up with yourself tonight.”

“I was…” Bert started.

“Excuses, excuses.” It was a joke, of course, and I rolled my eyes while saying it. Bert knew I was kidding and didn’t hold it against me. That was what was great about my friends. We could hate each other one minute and then be best friends again the next. We knew each other’s flaws and accepted them.

Bert laughed and pushed me away, “You just watch, one day you’ll bow to me. Man, what a night that’ll be. Too bad I’m not an alcoholic.”

People pointing it out was never a pleasant experience, because I was in fact an alcoholic. I knew it, but since it was my way of dealing with life and all its complications, I didn’t plan on doing anything about it. Besides, Bert could joke about it as much as he wanted to and even try to deny it, but he was as much of an alcoholic as I was and a drug addict at that.

Joe and I looked at each other, clearly not taking Bert’s words seriously, before cracking up.

“Fuck you guys!” Bert scowled, walking away annoyed.

“He’s pissed now,” Joe noted still grinning like a madman.

“He’ll get over it. His ego is just a bit scorched,” I laughed it off.

“Ouch,” he laughed and turned to Jerry, the barman. “Can we have a couple of shots here?”

Somewhere else in the bar another crowd was cheering. I scanned over the room and noticed a small crowd gathered around a table in one of the corners way at the back. I smiled and turned back to the bar. This life couldn’t have any dull moments.

From the corner of my eye I noticed someone sitting at the far end of the bar. It was a young girl who sat alone, drinking by herself. She looked lost or miserable or… She looked like me… surrounded by a bunch of people, but still alone.

It was heartbreaking how the world could reject even the most beautiful people at such an early point in life. People with so much talent never got any opportunities or chances in life. Sometimes you reach a point when it seemed that even life rejected you. When you reached that point you couldn’t help but ask, “Why even bother anymore?”
People only noticed you, but never really saw you. No one ever saw how broken some people were and if they did they chose to turn a blind eye and look the other way, pretending not to. It was cruel. It was the reason so many people decided to end their own lives nowadays, because no one saw the pain lying just beneath the brightest smile or the tears threatening to fall from the most sparkling eyes. No one saw.

People pretended to care. They made empty promises of always being there and yet when you needed them the most, they were nowhere to be found. There was always something more important to worry about, something else to do. Why in the hell would you think that they would actually take time from their busy schedules to save your life? No… that was simply too much to ask.

I could only picture the grimace on my face. These negative thoughts always had a way of creeping up on me. Then again, lately it seemed that they were always just there, plaguing my mind and dragging me down. It was just another punch life threw at me, another beating I took, always never ending. It wasn’t something I could run or hide from. It didn’t matter though, because I was still here and that was not going to change. I wasn’t going down without a fight.

“To your new record,” Joe said next to me holding up a shot glass and pulling me from my thoughts.

I picked up mine and threw the bitter alcohol down my throat in an attempt to forget. The liquid burned all the way down, but I loved it. It always worked, always expelling the depressing thoughts and picking you up off the ground.

“Come on! I have one for you,” Bert said, rejoining us. “Nic, pour the two of us a couple of shots each. If you see that we’re still going and the shots are getting low, pour us some more.”

The barman nodded and started to put out the glasses.

I smiled at Bert, “You think you can win?”

“Of course I can. I’m a man. Why don’t you just stick with your sissy drinks?”

“What?” I gaped surprised.

“I’m saying that if you’re not up to the challenge you can just say so,” he said shortly, turning away from me and facing the bar.

“I accept.” Of course I did. This was a matter of pride if nothing else. We grinned at each other.

Bert and I had the strangest friendship. Sometimes we could be inseparable, but then there were days when we annoyed the hell out of each other. There were days when I felt like strangling the greasy haired male. The next day I would usually be glad that I didn’t.

“You’re insane,” Joe stated definitely, “You’ll kill yourselves.”

We simply laughed it off, because of course we could handle this. Even if we couldn’t, there was enough alcohol in both our systems to make us believe that we could. No one was going to tell us otherwise.

“We’ll be fine,” Bert assured him with a wave of his hand.

A crowd slowly gathered around us in anticipation. We probably knew everyone in the room and they knew that my group of friends always put on a good show.

“Looks like I’m just in time,” Shawn exclaimed once he pushed through the crowd.

Shawn had shaggy blonde hair and was my best friend next to Bert. He was probably the furthest from being an alcoholic of all of us. Sure he enjoyed going out and getting drunk with us, but most of the times he was just along for the ride.

“Where were you?” Joe wanted to know, lining drinks up in front of us and stealing one for himself.

“Yeah, we thought you weren’t coming,” I added, happy to see him.

“And miss this? Not a snowball’s hope in hell,” he laughed with one of his arms resting across my shoulders.

“You ready?” the barman asked still holding the bottle of alcohol in his hand, ready to refill our shot glasses as we went.

Bert and I both nodded.

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Shawn asked smiling.

“I was born ready.”

“Woo!” he shouted already motivating me.

Bert and I sat down. We glanced at each other before looking down at the shots in front of us.

“Ready. Set. GO!” Someone yelled.

Instantly we started throwing the shots down our throats. The liquid was bitter and really potent. Soon my insides felt like they were on fire, but I wasn’t stopping.

Everyone around us was cheering. “Go! Go! GO!”

Jerry did his job and kept the shots coming, but the more sensible part of me was wishing that he would stop, telling me that I should stop. I started to feel dizzy and everything began to blur. Next to me Bert broke into a fit of serious coughs. The crowd went wild: I won. I got up, slightly off balance and smiled triumphantly. My gaze turned to Bert who was still coughing and spluttering for air. I saw the worried looks on my friends’ faces, but before I could do anything, I crashed to the ground and everything went black.

Chapter Text

Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!

I was so late!

I jumped into a pair of jeans lying on the floor and put on a shirt hanging halfway from an open drawer before running out the door and down the stairs. I ran down to the corner of the street and right down to the subway station. It was times like these that I was grateful for having an apartment right by the station otherwise getting to work in my hung-over – and very much late – state would be a nightmare. It would have been even quicker to catch a cab, but who could afford that nowadays? Besides, with my terrible luck it would get stuck in traffic, still leaving me screwed. There was no time to stop and appreciate the clear blue sky or the fact that I was alive for yet another day. The only thing on my mind at that moment was the fact that I was going to be late for work and the incessant pounding inside my skull.

The station was crowded as expected, but I instantly found my train. It was kind of cramped, but I stayed standing, by some miracle, until it dropped me off twelve blocks further. As I ran into the Starbucks, closest to work, Ray was already holding a cup of coffee out to me. I didn’t stop to pay, because he already knew that I would be back later that day to get more coffee and pay for both. Out the door and two more blocks down I ran into a building, walked through a set of doors and finally sat down in my cubicle completely out of breath.

There were several painkillers in my drawer of which I drank two with the coffee. After finishing my coffee I reopened my drawer and pulled out a toothbrush. I was all set up. My being late was a daily occurrence. Instead I kept a toothbrush and hairbrush at work – I could only dress on my way out and do the rest when I got to work and not be terribly late. That’s why Ray had a coffee waiting for me every morning, so I could just grab it on my way to work. Without a cup of coffee in the morning I wouldn’t be able to function. Now if only there was a bar nearby that would do the same for me.

In the bathroom I quickly brushed my teeth and fixed my hair before returning to my cubicle. Papers were scattered all over the desk. There were a lot of pictures – cartoons I was working on. It was hard work drawing everything, but I loved it. Drawing was one of my passions and besides that I always liked comic books too. It was my dream to become a published comic book writer. However, that dream was set aside for the time being as I worked to make a living and figured out everything else. Aside from that, I had bills to pay, including a student loan.

When you’re in middle school they always tell you that things are easy now and that high school wasn’t going to be all fun and games, that you’ll have a hard time adjusting and that everything would be a lot more difficult. Not really so. In high school they tell you the exact same thing. College wasn’t going to be all fun and games. There’s a lot more work and you’ll have to adjust and work hard to keep your head above water. These words held a little more truth than before, though, yet again, it’s not all bad. Then you reach college and finally you think this time you’ve got it. They’ll be preparing you for life this time. Guess what. They said that life after college was not going to be so easy-going. It was going to be so much different than what you’ve experienced so far. In short you would have to get your shit together and grow up in the blink of an eye.

This time they were right. Nothing I’ve ever experienced in life would have prepared me for this world. True, I’ve seen it for all its possibilities, but on the other hand also its cruelties and some days it felt like the latter far outnumbered the former. And they always gave you these speeches on how much harder the next part of life was going to be, but no one ever bothered telling you how to deal with it. They simply expected you to know, just like we’re expected to know the answer to every question put to us or how to deal with every major obstacle life threw at us. How do you deal with the loss of a loved one? How do you take care of yourself in a selfish world where every person is only concerned with his or her own wellbeing? How do you deal with hate, love, lies, greed, misery? What about self-loathing? Maybe they should stop preaching to us and feeding us all these negative images and start teaching us, giving us hope and the promise of a better future. Maybe they should start giving us tips on how to survive all of this. No wonder people were afraid of life before they’ve even experienced it. But these thoughts were too depressing this early in the morning.

I was always dehydrated in the morning and every time I visited the water cooler, Sarah Allman just happened to be there. She had long blonde hair, tied back tightly and she wore stylish glasses. She always wanted to talk about topics of current interest, which was not my favorite topic. She could be funny when she tried to look smart and I liked her. She was the only person who bothered to talk to me or pay any form of attention to me in this place. Everyone else just kept to themselves which I kind of preferred though to be honest. People asked questions, questions that I wasn’t willing to answer.

“What do you think about alcoholics?” she asked me once I reached the water cooler and filled a cup with the cool, clear liquid.

“What do I think of them?” I asked amused drinking the water and feel it clear my mind if only a little. A beer would’ve gone down a lot better at that point in time, but unfortunately I didn’t have any. A cigarette would have to suffice for the time being, as soon as I managed to sneak outside for a smoke break.

It was way too early in the morning to be having this conversation, but I would humor her for a few minutes.

“Yes, well, I saw a program last night about the effects of alcohol and it got me thinking. Why do these people love alcohol so much? What do you think?”

I wanted to sigh loudly, but that would be mean and instead I managed not to show what I really felt. “You really want to know what I think, Sarah?”

She nodded.

“Alcoholics are people just like you, that’s what I think. To them it’s a way of life. What do you do every night before you go to bed?”

“I watch my favorite television programs and read a book.”

“Well, that’s what alcoholics do. Only, where you read and watch television, they go out and drink. Would you be able to sleep if you didn’t read a book first?”

She shook her head again.

“The same with them. It’s a habit and there’s nothing wrong with it.”

She looked skeptical, “Yes, but don’t they realize that it’s destroying their lives?”

“Says who? They also live normal lives like everyone else. How do you know that I’m not an alcoholic?”

I managed to keep a straight face while asking this. She had no idea how ironic all of this was.

My co-worker blushed profusely at this question. “No… Uhm, you’re not. You’re too nice.”

“Are you sure?” I asked again causing her blush to deepen. “And what does nice have to do with it? Alcoholic people aren’t devoid of personality.”

We started to walk back to her cubicle.

“You know, alcoholics can actually be nice. You won’t know. You can’t tell them from anyone else when they’re sober, because they’re just like you,” I said pointed out truthfully.

I left her standing in her cubicle with a satisfied smile on her face. The problem was that she didn’t like me. She liked the idea of me. It was ironic that she asked me of all people what my thoughts on alcoholics were. She had no idea what my opinion on the topic was. She had no idea who I was.


*

“I’m sorry to hear about Bert,” Ray said later that afternoon when I dropped by Starbucks for some coffee.

Ray worked at Starbucks and I informed him about what happened to Bert the night before. Ray was probably my only sober friend. He didn’t do drugs and he wasn’t really into the whole party scene either. The puff head always wanted to get me to clean up my act, but of course to no avail.

I nodded, “The funny thing is that Joe warned us beforehand.”

“I’ve warned you before too, not that you ever listen to me,” he said sternly. “I’m telling you – this
life is going to kill you,” he added and left me to help a customer.

“I’ll have a Decaf Latte,” the man placed his order.

I sighed deeply, because Ray was right. My crazy lifestyle would most likely end up killing me, but right now it was pretty much the only thing that still kept me going. Besides, I couldn’t just stop. I would definitely die.

The guy that ordered the coffee stared at me, but I simply ignored him. Behind the counter I saw a girl I never noticed before – and I came here every day. She looked really familiar, but I couldn’t say how. Her jet-black hair was short and slightly spiked up at the back and her eyes were a piercing blue. She would’ve been extremely beautiful if it weren’t for the fact that she looked tired and worn. There were dark circles around her slightly bloodshot eyes and her hair looked like it hasn’t been washed in weeks. Then again I couldn’t really judge. From another person’s point of view I probably looked the same.

“Who’s that girl? She looks familiar,” I asked Ray once he returned.

“Of course she does. She’s been working here for the past year and a half.”

I frowned slightly, sitting back. I knew her from somewhere else. Yes, I’ve come here daily for years, but this was not where I’ve seen the mysterious girl before. Maybe the alcohol was starting to affect my brain. Oh well. I finished the last of my coffee and jumped up.

“Oy! Where are you going?” Ray called when I was half way to the door.

“I’m going to drop by the hospital for a quick visit to Bert and then I’m going out.”

“Are you serious? One of your best friends is in a hospital because of blood poisoning after he consumed too much alcohol and you still feel like going out?”

Of course he would have a problem with that, but Bert was the one in the hospital not me. There was nothing stopping me from going out. What else would I do anyway?

“Yeah,” was my short reply before running out.

*

The middle-aged nurse led me down the hallway towards the ward Bert was in. I hated hospitals. They were full of sick people and always reminded me of death. It smelled like medicine and antiseptics and the fluorescent lights hurt my eyes.

She stopped and opened a door for me. I walked inside and saw Bert sitting up in bed and playing cards by himself. He looked up when I entered the room and his face lit up like a Christmas tree.

“Gerard! You have no idea how glad I am to see you. I knew you’d come to save me.”

I chuckled. He was clearly going out of his mind in here and I didn’t blame the poor guy. It must’ve been torture.

“You have to get me out of here, man. It’s like hell in here. If you don’t I swear I’ll die,” he exclaimed melodramatically.

“I’m sure it’s not that terrible,” I said, trying to comfort him even though I would feel the same.

There was no way I would be able to get him out, because the doctor was adamant about him staying in the hospital for another night. The least I could do was try to make it a little more bearable even if it was only by telling him that it was for the best and that he would be out soon.

“It’s worse. It’s never quiet – someone’s always coughing or crying or the nurses are parading the hallways. It’s driving me insane. And I’m supposed to just sit here going out of my mind.
They don’t even feed us,” he complained.

My eyes widened, “They have to feed you.”

“Feeding requires them actually giving you food. The slosh they give us can hardly be classified as food, never mind edible. I’d rather starve than touch it.”

I cracked up at how picky he was.

“I’m serious. Please do something,” he pleaded desperately.

“How much longer do you have to stay in here?”

“The doctor wants me to stay here until tomorrow morning.”

“It’s not that long and he just wants to make sure you’re okay.”

“Okay? There’s nothing wrong with me to begin with,” Bert said firmly.

“Maybe it’s best if you stay. You gave us quite a fright last night.”

It was true. Despite the fact that I only found out about everything this morning, I was still worried. Bert may have been a greasy drunk, but he was still a good friend and I would take a bullet for him if I had to.

“Ha! Liar! You passed out before I did.”

“I was worried when they told me!” I said defensively, but clearly he didn’t buy it.

He crossed his arms and looked at me skeptically.

“Don’t be like that. It might do you good to go to sleep sober for once.”

“Fuck you!” he spat. “You’re the last person on earth who could say something like that. I bet you can’t even remember the last time you were sober.”

I laughed as I turned back and started walking out the door. “See you tomorrow.”

“Don’t leave me here! Where are you going?”

“Where do you think I’m going?”

“Wait! Gerard, you motherfucker! Get back here!” he shouted after me.

I just laughed and kept walking down the hallway, ignoring his outraged cries.

*

I couldn’t believe it. None of the guys showed up that night. It was after nine and I was still alone. The whole incident with Bert must have really spooked them. I sighed and ordered another beer.

At the end of the bar a girl sat all by herself. She looked sad. Then I remembered the girl from the night before. Of course it was her, the girl who reminded me of me. It would appear that she was me, only the female version, judging by the fact that she was also in here night after night, drowning her sorrows. After ten minutes of consideration I finally got the courage to walk over and join her.

“Do you mind if I join you?” I asked sitting down next to her.

“It’s not like I have much of a choice,” she muttered, rolling her eyes.

I noticed that she had beautiful blue eyes. Even in the terrible lighting of the bar, they seemed to shine. Her black hair was cut short at the back, but kept a little longer at the front. It suited her.

“Are you here alone?” I was curious to know, because it was impossible for someone like her not to have anyone around. Then again, wasn’t that the whole point? It was the people who didn’t look alone that were the loneliest. This girl here was alone in every possible way.

“That was the plan,” she said still avoiding eye contact.

“Sorry, I just thought… Well, since we’re both alone, I thought we might keep each other company.”

She looked me up and down and sighed, “Fine, but under one condition: no personal questions.”

“Deal,” I smiled, but of course she didn’t reply. “You’re a real bitch, aren’t you?” I noticed bluntly. It was out before I could stop myself and I honestly didn’t mean for it to sound that way.

She looked a little surprised, finally showing some emotion. “Maybe I am. Just don’t think that you know me all of a sudden.”

“I’m Gerard Way.”

She ignored my outstretched hand and said, “Katherine Leone.”

I thought about her name for a second before asking, “Can I call you Kat? No offense, you have a beautiful name, you really do, but it sounds very royal.”

I saw the corners of her mouth twitch, as if she wanted to smile, but no such luck.

“Knock yourself out,” she muttered. “Why aren’t you with your friends?”

“How do you know that I have friends?” I countered.

“Everyone has friends. Besides, I’ve seen you with them.”

“You have? When?” She noticed me too. That was an interesting surprise.

“I was at the bar that night your friend collapsed.”

“Oh…”

“By the way, is he okay?” she wanted to know, seeming sincere in her worry.

“Bert? He’s fine. Nothing gets him down that easily,” I smiled. “He’s still in the hospital, but at least he’s still alive and kicking. I’ll bet he’ll be back in the bar the second he gets out.”

She shook her head in disbelief. “You guys should quit while you’re at it. This gets harder, you know?” It wasn't a question.

“What does?” I wanted to know confused.

“Gerard!” Shawn grabbed my shoulders before leaning against the bar right between me and Kat. “Hey, I’m glad you’re here,” he smiled, “I thought no one was going to come after what happened last night.”

I was kind of disappointed that he showed up just then. I didn’t know the young female, but maybe she just needed to know that she was not alone. Maybe we’d have a connection of some sort by the end of the night and become friends. Plus we were right in the middle of a conversation. I couldn’t help noticing that she used the interruption as a chance to sneak away. Oh well, if that’s how it was going to be.

I focused on my friend and smiled back at him. “I thought I was going to be alone all night too.”

“Not to worry, because I’m here now.” He chuckled. “By the looks of things you might just wake up tomorrow without a hangover.”

“You want to bet?” I asked grinning, pushing the lonely girl to the back of my mind.

“Jerry, can we have a couple of drinks, please?”

*

I was too intoxicated to know what time it was, but it was a lot later that night and Shawn and I were completely fucked. Neither of us would even be able to tell you our own names if you asked. We clearly weren’t thinking straight and that’s why we found ourselves outside the hospital ready to help Bert ‘escape’.

“Are we just going to walk in there?” I wondered, looking at the brightly lit entrance.

Shawn shook his head, losing his balance in the process and nearly falling.

“Visiting hours are looooooooong over,” he drunkenly stated trying to straighten up from where he was standing on all fours. “We’ll neeeever get in.” He had on his thinking face as he stared at the hospital entrance. “I know!” he exclaimed excitedly. “Let’s leopard crawl… Wait, no… Gee, I think I need a doctor. I’m not feeling too well,” he groaned, falling into my arms.

Due to all the alcohol in my system I nearly dropped him on the ground. I giggled at how dramatic he was being and then started to drag him into the hospital. That was not an easy mission, since we both needed somebody to carry us in our current conditions.

“Help! Somebody help! My friend… he’s,” I stopped not sure what was wrong with him and I had to stifle a laugh. “What’s wrong with you?” I whispered loudly.

“I’m fucking dying, Gee!” he growled. “Try to take this seriously.”

I bit down on my lip to keep from laughing and said, “He’s dying. Please help him.” I begged desperately to anyone who would hear.

A nurse hurried over to us and wanted to know what was wrong.

“I’m dying,” Shawn croaked out still clinging to my shoulders helplessly.

“Are you sure you’re not just drunk?” the woman asked sternly with her hands on her hips.

“Miss, please. I love him. He’s my everything. I can’t lose him,” I pleaded, looking down at the boy in my arms.

“I love you too, Gee,” Shawn whimpered and then he started shaking with sobs.

It was like we rehearsed everything beforehand. Everything just fell into place perfectly. I was surprised by how good he was. I almost believed his act too.

“Okay, fine,” the nurse sighed, taking him from me and leading him over to a wheelchair. “Follow me,” she motioned, starting down the clean corridor.

As soon as we were out of sight of the reception area I turned down another hallway, losing sight of the nurse and Shawn. It took longer than I expected to find Bert’s room. My drunken little brain cells conveniently decided to forget where it was. Soon enough though, I stumbled into the right room, making such a noise in the process that Bert woke up swearing loudly.

“What the fuck? Who’s in here?”

“Shhhhh, it’s me!” I whispered loud enough for anyone to hear.

“Gerard? What the fuck are you doing here?” Bert hissed, turning on a small light by his bed.

I grinned stupidly at him as he surveyed me in the dim light.

“You’re drunk,” he stated, earning a giggle from me, “Yeah, I am. But I’m here to save you.”

“Save me from what?”

I waved my arms around wildly, gesturing the hospital room he was in.

“Shawn is keeping the nurse busy so we have to hurry up,” I told him. There were several unimpressed murmurs from the patients who shared a ward with Bert, but I was deaf to it all.

The dark-haired male scrambled out of the bed and found his clothes before pulling on his jeans in a rush. I clumsily tried to help him get dressed, but only ended up delaying the whole process.

My head poked out the door to check if the hallway was clear and when it was, I indicated that he should follow me.

“Gerard, why the fuck didn’t you get me out of here this afternoon when I asked you to?” Bert wanted to know. “This would’ve been a lot easier if you were sober, you know?”

“Shhhh!” I hissed at him over my shoulder as I slinked along the wall.

We were almost back at the reception when we heard a noise and turned around to see Shawn racing towards us still in the wheel chair and an angry nurse and security following shortly behind him.

“Run!” the intoxicated male shouted wide-eyed, catapulting himself out of the wheel chair as we reached the doors and stormed outside.

Adrenaline pumped through our bodies as we sprinted down the street, looking back every now and then to make sure that the hospital security wasn’t still after us. It felt like forever before we finally stopped to catch our breath.

“That was fucking awesome!” Shawn grinned widely. “We should do that again, though maybe with a different nurse. This one was angry. She nearly stabbed me with a needle.”

“You were dying, remember?” I reminded him with a chuckle.

“Still, that was some freaky shit. So, Bert you’re alive.”

“Thanks to you guys,” Bert nodded. “But honestly I feel like dying now,” he huffed, dropping down on the sidewalk and heaving for air. “I can’t remember the last time I ran like that.”

“That’s the result of smoking like a chimney,” Shawn teased, plopping down next to him.

“Not that I’ve had a single fucking cigarette all day,” Bert grumbled in response and I tossed my packet of cigarettes at him. “Thanks,” he muttered in response as he pulled out one of the cancer sticks and lit it. “Okay, so you two are drunk off you asses and I’m sober. Am I the only one who can see the problem here?”

“I’m always up for another round,” I grinned at him, because I already felt a lot more sober than was welcome. Sober meant emotions returning and that meant that I was returning to my miserable life.

Bert looked up from his place on the sidewalk, blowing out a cloud of smoke.

“I know, Gerard, you’re always up for another round.”

“Well, then what are we waiting for?” Shawn demanded, jumping back to his feet and pulling Bert up with him, earning a chain of curses from the latter.

“Need I remind you that I was just busted out of a hospital?”

“Shut up, it’s not like there’s anything physically wrong with you,” Shawn stated matter-of-factly. “Now are you coming or not?”

“Of course I’m coming,” the greasy haired male stated, dropping the cigarette down on the dirty pavement and stepping on it with the heel of his shoe. “Let’s go.”

Chapter Text

You know that feeling you get when someone’s watching you? That crawling feeling? That’s what I felt while working on my newest piece of work. When I couldn’t ignore the feeling any longer, I looked up and I saw Sarah peering at me over the cubicle. I smiled at her, because it was a nice surprise to find someone other than my boss checking in on me. Also, what’s not to like about the sweet and pretty blonde. She must not have expected me to look up so suddenly, because she jumped a little and blushed, probably feeling embarrassed that I caught her staring.

“Are you busy?” she stuttered nervously.

“Uhm, yeah, sort of,” I muttered in response, returning my attention to the cartoon I was working on.

“Oh.” She sounded disappointed. “I thought I would invite you to lunch.”

I looked up again and felt kind of guilty for my short response. Sarah was only ever nice to me. The least I could do was return the favor.

“Oh, uhm, you know what? I’m not that busy.” That was not quite true. I was up to my ears in work to be honest, but I guess I could take some time to eat. It was after all my lunch hour. Also, it wasn’t everyday someone invited me to lunch.

Her face brightened. “Are you sure? If you don’t want to that’s fine. I…Okay.”

“You can relax, you know? I swear I don’t bite,” I teased her, covering my drawings and getting up.

Sarah stepped aside to allow me to come out of the small cubicle.

“I know,” she chuckled lightly as we made our way outside the building. “It’s a bad habit. It’s more of a stupid part of being an introvert. Communication has never been my strong suit.”

“You’ve never had trouble talking to me before?”

The sidewalks were bustling with people as the streets of New York City always were. However, there was a flow and as long as you stuck to it, you would have no problem reaching your destination.

I watched her face and saw the change in her expression at my words.

“I know. I’m not sure why.” A small crease decorated her forehead and she avoided eye contact.

Sarah liked me. The realization caught me off guard, but wasn’t an unpleasant thought. I’ve always liked her too. She was smarter than most people I knew and took the world at face value. She could be very naïve, but she somehow always survived. We could have some great and very interesting conversations. We could have fun together. I didn’t mention anything about it, though, and kept walking.

We eventually sat down in a small café down the street from work. As we looked at the menus trying to decide what we were going to order, I saw a bunch of guys walk past the window.

Oh no.

It was Bert and a bunch of his friends. I hoped they wouldn’t see me, but as my luck would have it, they did. Fortunately Sarah’s back faced them, because they squashed their faces against the window, pulling faces. They puckered their lips into kisses and, although I couldn’t hear it, I could see them laughing loudly. Idiots. They would definitely never grow up. Why couldn’t they just let this be? I was not drunk enough for this by any measure.

“Gerard?” Sarah asked and my attention turned to her.

“Sorry, yeah?”

The waitress was waiting for my order. I glanced back at the window where the guys were still laughing and pointing. I shook my head: fucking childish. Instead of allowing them to ruin my lunch, I ignored them and placed my order. They finally got lost and I was able to give my undivided attention to Sarah. In the back of my mind I knew that Bert would mention the little incident again anyway. Once the waitress brought our food, I looked at Sarah intently.

“What?” she wanted to know shyly, her grey eyes meeting my own hazel orbs.

“What are you doing here?”

“Excuse me.”

I chuckled, “Not here. I mean, what are you doing working in a cubicle?”

“Oh.” Understanding dawned on her features. “I like drawing. I didn’t exactly receive any higher form of education after school, so I can’t be picky about work,” the blonde female explained.

“Fuck!” I exclaimed. “No education? You are an amazing artist, very creative. Imagine what you can do with education. You are a very talented girl. Why do you waste it in a cubicle? You should go study and do something better with your talents.”

She looked surprised by my outburst, but soon recovered.

“Like what?”

“You can become… I don’t know, a graphics designer for some huge company. You can be the brain behind billboards all over the city.”

She chuckled, “Okay, but what about you? You’re a good artist yourself. What are you doing in a cubicle?”

“Me? I like what I do. I always wanted to draw cartoons. Actually I want to write comic books, but that’ll be somewhere in the future. I’m happy where I am at the moment. Besides, someone’s got to work in the cubicle. It might as well be me.”

She smiled, “That’s an interesting fact that I didn’t know about you.”

“There are a lot of things you don’t know about me.” It was true. The real me would shock her to her innocent core.

“You should come over some time,” Sarah said out of nowhere.

“What?” I asked dumbfounded.

“To my place. One day after work. We can talk or…” she stopped mid sentence suddenly looking a little unsure of herself.

“Draw,” I suggested.

She nodded.

“That would be nice,” I murmured, my thoughts already drifting ahead of me.

Sarah was almost the opposite of me, but we got along well. Things could happen. It would be nice to talk to someone other than the guys for once. I always went around with the exact same group of people. Maybe I needed a new face in my life.

“When would you like me to come over?”

“It doesn’t matter, whenever you’re not busy or anything.” She was always rambling nervously.

“Is today okay?” I checked.

She smiled shyly and nodded, “Tonight’s fine.”

“It’s a date,” I grinned, my statement making her blush.

After we finished our lunch, it was back to the ‘basement’ for the rest of the afternoon. Fortunately it went by fast and before I knew it, we were back at Sarah’s apartment and I was waiting for her to open the door. She walked in with me following close behind.

I was surprised by the way her apartment looked. It wasn’t at all what I expected. In the right corner against the wall stood an old couch facing an old armchair covered with a blanket. In the middle of this setting stood a coffee table full of water rings from glasses or coffee mugs. Next to this living room scene were two doors that I assumed lead to the bedroom and bathroom. In the left corner was a dining table with papers scattered all over it and in the far corner was a small kitchen. The walls were painted a pale green and a little lopsided fan hung from the ceiling. It looked just like my apartment.

“Excuse the mess. I didn’t plan on having anyone over,” she said probably noticing the way my eyes traveled around her apartment.

I looked at her in surprise, “No, it’s fine. I just… It’s not exactly what I expected.”

“What did you expect?”

“Honestly? Flowery wallpaper, neat paper stacks, a few feminine stuff maybe. This looks just like my apartment,” I said.

Sarah smiled. “Flowery wallpaper would just give me a headache, though a few flowers on the table might be nice. Besides, even though I am a female, I’m also an artist. I can’t live in such a perfect way.”

“It’s impossible,” we said simultaneously and smiled at each other.

“Make yourself at home. I’ll be right back,” she told me, disappearing through one of the doors.

I sat down in the armchair and practically sank into it – it was obviously pretty old and worn, but comfortable nonetheless. Artists don’t exactly earn much, so I understand her circumstances. She returned in more comfortable clothing.

“Can I get you anything to drink?” she asked.

“Let me,” I offered, getting up and walking into the small kitchen area.

I opened the fridge and my eyes scanned over the contents.

“What would you like?”

“A glass of wine please.”

“Me too.” I muttered quietly to myself. I’ve spent too much time with her today.

Normally I would already have had some form of alcohol in my system by now. I could already feel the effect it was having on me. My hands were practically shaking.
Sarah removed two glasses from a cupboard and set them down for me.

“How long have you lived here?” I asked, while pouring the wine.

“About two years.”

“That’s a long time,” I murmured, handing her a glass of wine.

“Thanks.”

We drank in silence for a short while.

“My brother is having a party at his house this Friday night. Would you like to come?” she asked. “He said I can bring someone, so it’ll be okay,” she added.

I didn’t expect an invitation out so soon, but it was a pleasant surprise that made me smile. “I would like that.”

Sarah also smiled, blushing a little. Despite this, it was obvious that she was a lot more comfortable in her own personal space. She wasn’t quite as withdrawn and quiet as I was used to her being at work or even during lunch that afternoon. She seemed more like herself.

“What’s he celebrating?” I enquired.

Sarah snorted quietly. “My brother doesn’t always need a reason to have a party. He and his friends are regulars,” she informed me.

“Oh? What’s his name?”

“Quinn.”

“Quinn Allman?”

“Considering the fact that my last name is Allman and I’m his sister, yes, Quinn Allman,” the blonde giggled.

“Right,” I said a little embarrassed. “Small world. I had no idea that he’s your brother.”

“Do you know him?”

“Well, no not really. I’ve met him. He’s a friend of Bert’s.”

“You know Bert?” she asked and I couldn’t tell whether she was surprised or shocked by this new piece of information. Stunned would probably be a more accurate way to describe the look on her face.

“Yeah, he’s a really good friend,” I told her, watching her face to see her reaction.

“Wow. That’s the last thing I would have expected,” she spoke honestly.

“Why?”

“Well, you’re so quiet and my brother and his friends can be pretty boisterous.”

“I don’t know about your brother, but Bert can definitely be a little crazy,” I agreed, walking over to the table and looking at all the sketches lying about. “These are very good,” I commented.

“Thank you.”

“You really should do something better with your talents.”

“I’ll look into it sometime in the future,” she said sounding a bit far away.

I lifted my head up to see her staring at me intently.

“What?”

She shook her head still looking lost in thought. “I can’t figure you out.”

I looked at her questioningly.

“Well, at work you always seem like such a nice guy. You’re calm and honest, but now… You’re friends with Bert and quite frankly, I don’t think you’re at all what I thought.”

I chuckled, “Do you want to know who I am?”

She nodded. “If you don’t mind opening up to me.”

“I’m a nerd,” I said seriously and she burst out laughing. I smiled at her reaction. “I am a pretty calm guy, except when I’m with my friends, though you can’t exactly judge a person by his friends. I don’t know why you think I’m honest, because I’m actually a huge liar.”

“Like you’re lying now?” she asked, one eyebrow raised.

“You don’t believe me?”

“No.”

I laughed, because I was being honest, but she still didn’t believe me. Life could be so ironic sometimes. People believe you when you lie, but not when you tell the truth. She fell down on the couch with a sigh.

“Don’t be like that.” I pulled her up again.

She looked me in the eyes for a few seconds and I wondered what was going through her head. I guess I’ll only learn how her head works with time.

“Are you hungry? I’ll order us a pizza,” I announced, pulling out my phone and tapping in the number to a pizza place I noticed she had stuck to the front of the fridge.

“What would you like?”

“Anything,” she shrugged.

“Come on. You can pick any topping. I’m not picky.”

“I really don’t mind,” she assured me.

“It’s not a difficult choice,” I added.

“Just pick anything,” she insisted.

“Sarah!”

“You…” she started, but I interrupted her. “If we’re always going to fight over dinner like this, I’d rather not get married.”

She looked down, blushing furiously.

“Hawaiian,” she finally mumbled.

“See, that wasn’t so hard,” I said, hitting the call button.

“Pizza Palace. How can we help you?” the guy at the other end answered.

“Yes, I would like to order a Hawaiian pizza please.”

“What size would you like that? We have mini, small, medium, large, extra large.”

“Uhm,” I looked at Sarah. “Make it a large.”

She stared at me wide-eyed.

“Can I interest you in our delivery service? It’s free and the fastest…”

“Yes, you can deliver it,” I cut him off.

Everyone’s delivery was always the fastest.

“Where would the delivery be made?”

I looked at Sarah, “Address?”

“67 Smith Street, room 43,” she said.

“67 Smith, 43,” I relayed to the guy.

“Thank you sir. Your pizza will be delivered within an hour,” he said before I hung up.

“A large?” Sarah gasped.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m paying anyway. Whatever we don’t finish you can have for breakfast again.”

“You’re my guest. I have to take care of dinner,” she argued.

“Nonsense. I told you that it’s a date, therefore, I’m paying,” I said firmly.

Within an hour the pizza was delivered and despite Sarah’s shock, we finished it. A little after nine I got up to leave.

“You don’t have to go yet. It’s still early,” she said.

“I don’t want you to fall asleep at work tomorrow.”

She smiled, “Of course not. I’ll walk with you.”

The truth was that even though I was having a good time it was time for me to meet the guys. I was already late, but despite that, one glass of wine was not enough to sustain me for the night. I needed to get out.

At the door I turned around. “Can I come get you tomorrow morning?”

“What?” she asked surprised.

“Tomorrow for work,” I explained.

She smiled, “I would like that very much.”

“Okay. Well, goodnight.” I planted a quick kiss to her cheek and left.

***

As expected, everyone was already at the bar by the time I arrived.

“Gerard! Where the hell have you been man? We thought you weren’t coming when you were more than an hour late,” Joe said the minute he saw me coming into the bar.

 “He was probably on a date with his girlfriend,” Bert snickered before I could even attempt to respond. I wondered where on earth he got that idea until I remembered that he saw me having lunch with Sarah that day.

“What girlfriend?” Shawn asked curiously coming closer to join the conversation.

“I don’t have a girlfriend,” I firmly denied it. “Bert’s just drunk.”

“It’s a blonde girl I saw him have lunch with today,” Bert informed everyone.

“Tell me more,” Shawn smiled interestedly.

“There’s nothing to tell. Can I get a beer please?” I asked, turning away from them.

“Oh, come on, Gee,” Shawn pleaded.

“We’re your friends,” Joe added, “If you can’t tell us, who else are you going to tell?”

“There really isn’t anything to tell. It’s a girl from work and we had lunch together. So what?”

“Do you like her?” Shawn asked seriously.

I shrugged, “I don’t know. Yes, I think so. But that doesn’t matter.”

“Why not?” Bert wanted to know.

“She’s not like me. She’s the good girl. I’m not pulling her into my fucked-up life,” I stated firmly.

“Don’t you think it’s up to her to decide?” Shawn asked, “I mean, have you told her?”

I shook my head.

“Dude, if you really like her then go for it. You might just be happy,” Shawn continued.

I smiled. My friends weren’t perfect, but they were good friends. They understood me.

“Just don’t get married without us,” Bert joked.

“Hold your horses! I don’t plan on getting married anytime soon, or at all, so you can relax,” I exclaimed.

They laughed at my reaction to Bert’s statement.

“I’ll drink to that!” Shawn agreed.

Chapter Text

Oh fuck!

I jumped up, nearly falling flat on my face, but managing to stay up and stumbling all the way to my closet where I ripped open the already half open doors. At the bottom was a pile, more like a mountain, of clothes – I guess I should probably wash them more often. I pulled out a shirt that didn’t look dirty or smell too bad and pulled it over my head. A pair of jeans hung from a drawer and I pulled them on, running out the door. I ran down the street, briefly stopping at the corner to pick a hand full of flowers from a nearby garden. I practically ran all the way to Sarah’s apartment and took the stairs two at a time. Just as I reached her floor, she came out of her apartment.

“Shit, I’m sorry I’m late,” I gasped breathlessly.

“You’re just in time.”

I held the flowers out to her still heaving for air. “For your table.”

Sarah smiled, “That’s very sweet of you. I’ll be right back.”

She disappeared into her apartment, giving me a few seconds to catch my breath. I pressed one hand against the wall for support and tiredly hung my head. One day I was definitely going to pass out from running with a hangover every morning. Why couldn’t I set an alarm like a normal person and wake up on time. Oh, right, because I got home drunk every night – actually morning – and I barely ever woke up at the sound of my alarm clock going off anyway. Then I always woke with a start and had to run my lungs out to not be late. Sarah reappeared a few minutes later.

“Ready to go?” she asked and I nodded. “Are you okay?” She asked, looking at me somewhat worriedly.

I breathed in deeply. “Yes, I’m fine. I was just in such a hurry to get here on time now I’m completely out of breath.”

“Are you sure that’s it?”

I nodded. “Promise.” I hoped that was convincing enough. Of course she would be able to tell how out of it I was. I most likely looked quite a state, not having had a chance to brush my hair or even look in a mirror. Chances were I smelled like a distillery as well.

Why did I have to go and ask to walk her to work? This wasn’t freakin’ high school. I should leave my school boy crushes back in the past. Mornings were never a good time for me.

We arrived at work just in time. Actually, it was probably the earliest I’ve been in months. Sarah smiled at me, thanking me for the flowers and the walk, before heading for her own cubicle. I sat down in mine with a sigh. All that running helped me get over my hangover, but it also showed me how out of shape I was. It was a short distance, but I was exhausted. There was nothing I would have liked more at that moment than to crawl back into bed and stay there all day. A drink would also suffice.

I pulled a blank page closer and started drawing. I wasn’t really concentrating on what I was doing. My eyes simply followed the automatic movements of my hand as the pencil glided smoothly across the paper. When the picture was finished I frowned at it. I had drawn a girl. She had sad eyes and short black hair. I was probably still a little hung over, but then again, I never drew anything bright and happy. I put the picture in my drawer and closed it before pulling my work closer and starting on it.

The drawing still bothered me. There was so much detail in every feature of the woman, especially the eyes, you would’ve sworn that I had studied her face for hours or at least that she’d been sitting in front of me while I drew her sketch. Yet, I had no idea who she was. I had no recollection of ever meeting anyone who looked like that. I shrugged the thoughts away, because thinking about the drawing all day was not going to help me finish my work.

***

Friday came a lot sooner than expected and it was time for the party. Sarah and I left for her brother’s house right after work. We took the train to Hoboken, New Jersey and walked the short distance from the station to his house. Upon reaching our destination, Sarah just walked in without knocking and I followed without hesitation.

“Quinn?” she called out and her brother immediately came in from another room with a warm smile on his face.

She returned the smile and hugged her brother, a lanky bleach-blonde male with slight stubble. I’ve only seen the guy once or twice and wouldn’t consider us to be friends, but we got along fine. Bert was already there and he looked genuinely happy to see me.

“Another familiar face!” he beamed, walking over to greet me. “You didn’t tell me you were coming.”

“I didn’t know you were going to be here either,” I admitted. “Otherwise I would have. I have to say that I’m glad I’m not the only stranger here.”

“What the hell are you talking about? You know Quinn and you know Sarah too.”

“Great. I’m at a party and I only know two people,” I muttered sarcastically and he chuckled. “Now you know three.”

“Come help me get us drinks in the kitchen,” Quinn said to Sarah and they left the room.

Bert headed for the front door. “I’m going to take a smoke. Are you coming?”

“Yeah, I haven’t had a cigarette since four.” To the average person two hours might not have been that long, but when you were addicted to practically everything like I was, then it was fucking forever. My bloodstream lacked three things at that point in time: caffeine, nicotine and alcohol.

“You like Sarah?” he asked with a smile.

I shrugged noncommittally. I didn’t want to admit anything just yet, because I was afraid that Bert would run his mouth, especially after he surely got drunk later that night. Besides, it didn’t matter even if I did. Sarah was so much better than me and I would never be good enough for her. There was no point in pining after someone I could never have. She had her ways and I had mine. That wasn’t about to change for either of us.

“You never told me that the girl taking up all your attention lately was Quinn’s sister. Well?”

“Well, what?” I asked acting stupid.

“Have you asked her out yet?” he demanded impatiently, blowing out a cloud of smoke.

I shook my head, “No, I told you that I didn’t want her to get involved with me.”

“Oh, come on. She’s a big girl. She can take care of herself,” Bert stated, handing me a cigarette. “I think you really like her. I can tell. Just tell her the truth and if she’s willing to take a chance then go for it. You deserve to be happy for a change,” he said seriously. “What else are you going to do, distance yourself from women for the rest of your life simply because you have issues? Seriously, we all love you. Sarah would be stupid not to do the same.”

I sighed deeply. Bert had a point, but that didn’t change anything. Sarah was sweet and I didn’t want to do anything to change that.

“I’ll tell her.” I lied.

“Tell her now.”

I stumped out my half smoked cigarette with another exaggerated sigh and headed back into the house. I stopped outside the kitchen when I heard Sarah and Quinn talking. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but listened nonetheless.

 Quinn’s voice was the first to reach my ears. “How do you know Gerard?”

“We work together. He’s a co-artist, if I can put it like that,” she chuckled. “We’ve been spending a bit of time together and it’s been fun so far. He’s a very interesting person and really smart.”

“How well do you actually know this guy?” Quinn asked her.

“Well, he has the same job as I do and he’s nice…” she started.

“But that’s all you really know right? Look, all I’m saying is that you should be careful.”

“Quinn, relax. I know him and I can assure you that you have nothing to worry about. He’s a good person.”

“He’s friends with Bert. That should give you a bit of an idea about him.”

“You can’t judge someone by his or her friends,” she disagreed with her brother.

“No, you can’t,” he conceded. “But you can’t ignore the type of people they hang out with either. Maybe I’m wrong, but I think you should ask him about it. You trust people easily.”

“You’re friends with Bert too.” I could tell by the subtle change in her voice that she was upset. “What am I supposed to do, cut you out of my life as you seem to expect me to do with Gerard?”

“Of course not. I just want you to be careful. I think you’ve got Gerard up on some undeserved pedestal. He’s not who you think he is, Sis.”

There was a long silence and then I heard footsteps coming towards the door. I quickly retraced my steps and pretended to have just come in.

“There you are.” I acted as if I had been coming to look for her.

Sarah smiled faintly at me, but her eyes didn’t meet mine.

“Look, Sarah, there’s something I have to tell you…” I started, realizing that Bert was right, I should man up and ask her out. First I have to tell her the truth.

Just then Bert came in the front door with a couple of other guys. As they came in, my chance to finally tell Sarah who I really was went out the door.

“Later,” she said and smiled sincerely. She left the room after that and Bert proceeded to introduce me to everyone.

The rest of the night went by in a blur. There were a lot of people, most of whom I didn’t know. Sarah was pretty much playing hostess, making sure that there was always enough to eat and drink. This resulted in the two of us barely spending any time together. Ultimately, I had to keep myself entertained.

My plan was to behave and stay as far away from alcohol as possible, but of course that was wishful thinking. Plan B was to drink in moderate capacities only. I wasn’t here to get drunk. I was here as Sarah’s guest and naturally I didn’t want her to find out about my bad habits by letting her see and experience them first hand. That kite didn’t fly either.

The people at the party were no first timers and weren’t sticking to the cheap stuff either. At one point I joined a group outside and they offered me a smoke. I knew they were not smoking cigarettes either.

“Pot,” the guy grinned as I took a deep drag. “The good stuff.” And it definitely was the best I’ve smoked in a long time.

Let’s not forget the brilliant idea I had when I joined a group of guys using cocaine. My life really truly was fucked up.

I don’t remember much about the rest of the night. The last thing I remember was lying down on the couch and thinking about Sarah.

***

“Gerard,” someone quietly spoke, shaking my shoulder. “Gerard, open your eyes.”

With great effort I opened them, but the world was spinning so much that I immediately closed them again. I was pulled up into a sitting position.

“Can you help me a little here?” the female voice asked someone.

I felt my body get lifted up and be supported on both sides. My feet seemed to drag along behind me. They helped me into what I assumed was a cab. Before the door closed I heard them talking.

“Do things always end like this?”

“No, but there were a few party crashers...”

My hearing somewhat abandoned me for a few minutes and I missed the rest of the sentence.

“I don’t think…” It was Sarah’s voice, but at that moment the car door was closed.

When the cab stopped in front of my apartment building, I fell out the door, getting sick all over the pavement. I dragged myself into the elevator and finally towards my apartment. It took forever to find my keys, but eventually I was inside. I headed straight for the bathroom. I felt like crap. Something I took in tonight didn’t work well with my system. With that thought, I got sick all over again. I must’ve blacked out after that, because I don’t remember anything else.

Chapter Text

When I woke up, everything was still spinning and my entire body was aching. I was relieved to see that I was at least in my own apartment even if it was on the bathroom floor. I remembered times when I had woken up on a bench at a bus stop or outside a bar. Those were never nice realizations. It always reminded me of how fucked up my life was.

Getting up was a slow process. No matter how slowly I moved, I had to stop what I was doing every two seconds as wave after wave of nausea and dizziness swept over me. Just walking to the kitchen was like mission impossible. It was a good thing that I didn’t have to go to work today, I thought as I shuffled over to the fridge and pulled out a beer. Here’s to the first one.

I was shocked to see the kitchen clock show twelve thirty. I guess no one could accuse me of drinking too early today. For the first time in probably weeks, my eyes scanned over my apartment and it was a mess. No one could live like that. It was a good thing that I didn’t really live there, considering I was always at work or out drinking. Nonetheless, the place was in desperate need of a good cleaning, just not today.

As soon as I finished my beer, I took a shower and changed into some clean clothes, or at least clothes that weren’t stained with all types of crap from the previous night. I looked in the mirror, staring into a pair of bloodshot eyes. I didn’t like what I was seeing. The reflection was one of a broken man who had strayed so far from the path, there was no hope of returning. He was tired and worn. He looked a mess. And yet, when I looked closer, looked deep into his dull hazel colored eyes, I read nothing but fear. Those eyes were terrified, terrified of so many things. The man in the mirror was afraid of rejection, afraid of disappointment. He was afraid of people seeing the real him and he was afraid of the world, too. Most of all, he was afraid of life.
My life was fucked-up and I knew it.

Still, I didn’t plan on doing anything about it, because I had friends and at least I didn’t feel completely miserable all the time. I needed to get out of that apartment immediately before I went crazy. I grabbed a jacket and headed out the door straight for Starbucks.

“Good afternoon, Gee,” Ray greeted as I sat down at a table.

I kept my sunglasses on, because I didn’t find it necessary for the rest of the world to see that I was all kinds of hung over.

I groaned, “Hey, can I get some strong black coffee please? Make it two.” I held up two fingers in order to ensure that he got it.

“Rough night?” he asked to which I simply nodded.

He shook his head and left to take care of my order. It felt like a marching band had decided to practice inside my head. Scratch that, World War III was currently occurring in my head.

“Hey, Toro, where is Katherine?” some skinny guy asked loudly.

“I don’t know,” Ray growled in response. “I’m not exactly her babysitter.”

I snorted. Ray needed to learn how to relax. It was time for him to come out with me and the guys again.

“Here you go,” he said placing my coffee in front of me. “I swear she’s always late.”

“Who?” I asked confused.

“The girl who works here with me, or at least is supposed to be doing the same shift,” he complained.

I drank my coffee, “Maybe there’s a reason she’s always late.”

“Other than a hangover? I don’t think so,” he grumbled. “And I always get yelled at for it. I’m not her dad. I kind of wish Ed would fire her and get it over with.”

“Stop being such a bitch,” I smiled.

He grinned, “Thanks for being on my side. If you were in my shoes, you’d understand.”

I started to laugh, but at that moment it felt like a bunch of fireworks went off inside my head and I grabbed it with both my hands.

“Sorry I’m late,” a girl exclaimed, rushing past me and around to the back of the counter.

“It’s about damn time,” Ray grumbled, trying to sound angry though he didn’t quite succeed. “Dude, you really have to start cutting back on all this partying. Look at yourself,” he said sternly, turning his attention back to me.

I coughed. “I’m fine. It was one rough night, okay? I went to a party in Hoboken and things got a little out of hand. I honestly can’t remember the last time I’ve felt this bad.”

“There’s your problem right there. It’s not good for you. I don’t want to lose one of my best friends to this shit,” he said firmly.

Ray was always the moral one, my conscience in a manner of speaking. He took it upon himself a long time ago to try to straighten me out. Needless to say, he hasn’t been successful. I appreciated the effort, because it showed me he cared, but sometimes I wished that he would just back off and let me live my life.

“Don’t worry, Ray. I’m not going anywhere,” I assured him completely serious.

Times were hard, yes. Today was especially rough, but I still wasn’t looking for an easy way out of this mess.

He rolled his eyes and walked away. I bought more coffee before leaving again. Once back at the apartment, I pulled my drawing pad closer and drew a picture. It was a rough sketch and I didn’t put too much thought into it. I drew a dead girl: the picture was in black pen except for the blood, which was red. I ripped it out and placed it on a stack of other drawings on the table. Instead of drawing something else, I started looking through all the old drawings I had.

There was the dead girl, a crow, a marching band and finally I came to a collage. It looked more like a puzzle than a drawing. There were drawings in pen, pencil, chalk and coal. The pictures didn’t even really fit together. There were girls running around and thunder clouds, flowers and dogs. It was the collage Sarah and I drew at her place the other night.

Shit, Sarah.

I looked at my watch, but it was already too late to go over to her place. I would have to go early the next morning. She was probably mad about the previous night. Of course she was. How could she not be? I was her guest and instead of keeping her company, I got smashed. I shouldn’t have gotten drunk to the level where I passed out. I shouldn’t have gotten drunk at all. I shouldn’t have lost myself in the euphoria of the drugs either. Unfortunately, I couldn’t change what happened. All I could do now was apologize and hope that she would forgive me.

I got up with a deep sigh and started in the direction of the fridge. This was just great. I wanted to do things right, but I always somehow fucked things up. Damn it, and I was out of alcohol. I had to drink the last one earlier and forget to buy more. Well that was no good.

I could go out and get drunk with the guys like I usually did, but I wasn’t particularly in the mood for everybody. I wanted to be alone tonight and drown my sorrows in the comfort of my apartment. That only left me with one more option. I had to go grocery shopping, especially since I haven’t eaten anything all day long. All my cupboards were empty. My mom would die if she had to see me now. It was a good thing my parents didn’t visit often.

I found my wallet hiding under the bed, after having searched for it for almost half an hour, fuck my life, and I was finally able to go to the store.

The streets weren’t too busy and it allowed me to appreciate the night life, of sorts anyway. New York City was always too bright and you could never see any stars. There was no point in even looking up to try to see any. I’d most likely fall over if I tried that in any case. Instead I looked around at the buildings, some of which wanted to fall apart. Graffiti marked up quite a few of them, but I guess it all depended on the neighborhood you were in. I had to walk through one of the less nicer ones to get to the store.

The store was brightly lit when I reached it and not very busy which was understandable, since it was almost ten thirty. I didn’t have a lot of money on me and ended up buying a box of cereal and a few bags of chips. Then it was next door in search of alcohol. Two six packs of beer would have to be enough for the night.

A cool breeze had picked up while I was inside. With the two paper bags in hand, I started my trek back home. On my way home I walked by one of the local bars where you could clearly hear the festivities from inside. I stopped briefly, considering going inside. It sounded very inviting and I couldn’t believe how much my body was craving alcohol.

“Hey.”

If only I didn’t have the two bags with me. Then again, I could only have one drink and then go home.

“Excuse me.”

Who was I kidding? Once I was inside I wouldn’t leave until I had to crawl home.

“Gerard?”

My attention was drawn to a dark figure sitting against the wall. I stepped closer to the person without even thinking about it. It was a woman dressed in black from head to toe, from the black beanie on her head that only allowed for a few feathery wisps of her onyx hair to show, right down to her black boots. The only color was the red on her lips and her perfect blue eyes.

“Sorry, but do you have a lighter?” she asked.

“I do,” I nodded, managing to hold my groceries in one arm while fishing out my lighter with the other hand and handing it to her.

“Thanks. I was in such a hurry to leave the house today that I stupidly forgot to grab mine and now I’m dying for a cigarette and, surprisingly, no one can help me out.”

She pulled a cigarette from the box in her hand and put the little white cancer stick to her lips. I watched as the flame lit up her face for a brief moment. For that split second I watched the light dance across her features, lighting up her high cheekbones and pouting lips.

She suddenly looked up, holding the lighter back out to me.

“Thanks,” she reiterated, blowing out smoke.

“No problem.”

“You don’t remember me, do you?” She wore a small smile as she asked me this.

Her question was unexpected and I wasn’t sure how to respond, because no, I didn’t remember her. I wasn’t even aware that I was supposed to know her. Then again, she knew my name. Maybe I should know her.

“Katherine.” She said it as if it should ring a bell. “We met last week.”

Like I remembered what happened the night before. How the hell was I supposed to remember last week or who I met. Yet, I did know. I was sure I knew her. My subconscious knew that I would never actually be able to forget her.

“Kat.”

“There we go,” she smiled, leaning back against the grimy wall of the bar. “I knew you would remember. You were still sober when you introduced yourself.”

I chuckled embarrassedly.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m the last person in the world who would judge you for your coping mechanisms.”

“My coping mechanisms?”

“Alcohol, cigarettes and those are only the ones I know of. Look, I get it, life doesn’t treat everyone equally fair, but do you have a reason for doing what you do or are you just drinking for the heck of it?”

I walked over and sat down next to her on the dirty ground, letting my converse clad feet stretch out in front of me and putting the groceries down next to me.

“I thought the deal was no personal questions.” I pointed out.

“Well,” Kat started, offering me a drag. “I just figured, from one alcoholic to another, that I could get at least a yes or no.”

“Doesn’t everyone have a reason for doing what they do?”

“Fair point,” she nodded, taking a long drag.

“You seem different.” She was a lot more cheery than I remembered and it wasn’t necessarily a good thing.

She shifted until her free hand produced an orange bottle. She shook the object with a satisfied smile. “It’s a wonder what self-medication can do.”

“What are those?” I questioned.

“I’m not really sure,” she drawled, looking thoughtful. “So let’s call them my happy pills.”

I took the pill holder from her and looked at it. “Why do you take these?”

“Some days, like today, I just need a bit of a pick me up. I can’t afford real drugs and over the counter is good enough.”

I didn’t like the fact that she was drinking pills. I didn’t like the fact that she was drinking. She was better than all of this. I didn’t know how I knew this. I just did.

“What’s your poison?”

I sighed quietly. “Anti-depressants, lots of alcohol, uhm, I sometimes smoke weed and occasionally, but rarely, I do cocaine.”

“You’ve gone the whole nine yards,” she said wide-eyed. “So why are you out buying groceries instead of out drinking with your friends?”

I spoke to her as if I had known her for years and I felt completely at ease in her company. It was the strangest sensation.

“It’s a long story, but in short, I keep fucking up even the sensible little pieces of my life and I decided to wallow alone in my self-pity.”

“I believe it’s called depression.”

“I was on my way back home before you stopped me. If you’d like, you’re welcome to join me.” The invitation was out before I could even think about it.

She let out a little disbelieving laugh. “I’m not going anywhere with you. I don’t know you. For all I know you could be a serial killer or something.”

“Trust me, you know me better than you think. We’re the same.”

“Sorry?” She looked stunned by my last statement. It’s if I told her that the tooth fairy was real.

“We’re both rejected by the world and hide who we really are. Plus, we both turn to substances to keep us alive.”

Kat scrambled to get to her feet and looked down at me clearly upset.

“You are nothing like me. You don’t know anything about me or my problems. You can’t even begin to imagine what my life is like and I would never wish it on anyone.”

Her sudden hefty response took me by surprise and I had no idea how to respond.

“For future reference, keep your thoughts on other people’s lives to yourself.”

And then she was gone, storming away as if I had hit her. There you have it, Gerard. Not even someone as broken as you can accept your pathetic existence.

No one could blame me for going home and drinking all the liquor at my disposal. It needed to be done.

Chapter Text

By some miracle I was up early Sunday morning. Twelve beers were obviously not nearly enough to keep me satisfied or to knock me out cold. My first instincts were to go straight to Sarah’s house and apologize for my shameful behavior Friday night, but I realized that she was probably in church. Instead I killed time cleaning up my apartment. My clothes haven’t been washed in ages and rubbish, mostly empty alcohol containers, littered the floor. All this being done, the place was as clean as I was ever going to get it without actually spring cleaning.

I arrived at Sarah’s apartment still early and waited, hoping that the sermon put her in a positive state of mind. Churches always preached about forgiveness and second chances, didn’t they?

When the elevator doors opened and Sarah stepped out, she didn’t look too thrilled to see me. I stood up and dusted off my clothes.

“Hi,” I greeted a little self-consciously.

She unlocked the door without looking at me and walked inside. Her silence was worse than if she had been shouting. I took the fact that she left the door open behind her as an invitation to enter and did so without hesitating. There was no need to give her a chance to reconsider.

Sarah turned on the coffee maker and removed two cups from a cupboard still without a word. Once we were finally, thank goodness, seated with our coffees, she looked at me expectantly.

“I want to apologize for my behavior Friday night,” I got straight to the point.

She crossed her arms over her chest and waited for me to continue.

“I shouldn’t have gotten drunk and passed out,” I continued. I didn’t want to do all the talking. I wanted her to tell me how she felt about the whole matter. I wanted her to forgive me.

“You weren’t the only one,” she pointed out. “But then again, you were a lot more than just drunk.”

This was the point where I should have hung my head in shame, but I felt the need to say more. “Yes, I know, but I wasn’t alone. You invited me to keep you company and I totally screwed up. I hurt you.”

“No, Gerard I was more disappointed than hurt,” she corrected me. “It was really the last thing I expected from you.”

“Do you remember when I wanted to tell you something right before the party started? Well, the thing is… My friends told me that if I liked you I should tell you about my problems and let you decide if I was worth a chance. Right then I wanted to tell you. I was going to tell you everything, including the fact that I’m…” I took a deep breath as if to encourage myself before continuing, “I’m an alcoholic.”

She closed her eyes for a few seconds breathing deeply. She was obviously shocked by that revelation and who could blame her? “Why didn’t you tell me the truth from the start? I trusted you.”

“I know, I know,” I replied apologetically. “You know, for once in my life I wanted to do something right. I really like you and I wanted to take a chance on us, if you had wanted to, but I always screw things up. I always…” my voice trailed off.

“Please stop feeling sorry for yourself, okay?” Her eyes were wide as she said this. “You had a choice, Gerard. You always have a choice and you chose this road.”

That was the harsh truth and something no one has ever put so bluntly.

“I told you the truth,” I murmured almost uncertainly, because something in the back of my mind told me that I was about to make everything worse.

“When???” she demanded incensed.

“That time when we were here in your apartment. I told you that I was a liar…”

“Oh, get over it, Gerard! You’ve been lying to me all along! Since that day I asked you about alcoholics, before that even, straight through until now.” She was on her feet and pacing in front of me, though her movements were slightly hindered by the small cramped space.

”I’m trying, okay? I just need a little help here,” I pleaded, looking up at her regretfully.

Sarah stopped what she was doing and sighed deeply. “What do you want from me?”

“Just your forgiveness…”

“Gerard, I’m not mad at you. I just… I wish you had told me sooner,” she quietly spoke.

This time my head hung in shame. Sarah was the first good thing to happen to me in a very long time and this was how I showed my gratitude, by hurting her.

“But, I am willing to help you.”

My head snapped up. “What?”

“You have a problem. You said it yourself: all you need is help,” she explained.

I got up, “No, that’s not what I meant.”

“But…”

“I knew it. I knew that the second you found out about my addiction you were going to try to change me,” I nearly yelled, waving my arms around angrily. It hurt that she couldn’t just accept me for who I was. Why wasn’t I good enough the way I was?

“It’s not about changing you, Gerard,” she responded heftily. “It’s about helping you turn your life around. You’re better than this.”

It might have been my imagination, but I could’ve sworn the unexpected rejection caused me physical pain.

“Maybe I’m not. And you know, it was a party. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with me. I just had a little too much fun.” I exclaimed a little hysterically. I had no idea why I was freaking out like this, but there was nothing I could do to stop myself.

“I might believe you if it were only the alcohol that got the better of you, but we both know that’s not all you took,” Sarah argued sadly.

“How would you know? You were too busy catering to everyone else’s needs,” I shot back. My anger had turned to her now.

“Fine then, Gerard. You’re such a great liar. Lie to me!” Sarah yelled. She was done being nice to me. “Lie to me and tell me that you only had a few beers. Tell me that you’ve never done cocaine in your life and that Friday night was an anomaly concerning the marijuana joint in hand. Go on, lie to me!” She repeated irately.

“You’re so fantastic at it.”

“I can’t! Sarah…”

“What?” she cut me short. “You’ve been doing it so well this entire time. Can’t think of another lie now that the truth has come out?”

“I’m not ready!” I shouted, causing her to take a step away from me and stay quiet. “I can’t change who I am.” This last part was almost a whispered confession.

It was quiet for a long time after that. I felt her hand on my shoulder. “I’ll help. Please let me help you, Gerard. I know people who’ve dealt with these kinds of things. This will be for the best.”

“No, you don’t know that.” I pulled away from her. “I have problems and I admit it, but they’re my problems. I deal with them in my own way…”

“By going out and getting drunk every night???” she demanded.

“It doesn’t matter.” I retorted, heading for the door. “I’m not changing who I am.”

“Gerard!” she called after me, but I kept on walking.

I pulled up my hoodie and stuffed my hands in my pockets, walking down the street. I was stubborn as hell, but this was my life and I’ll lead it the way I wanted to.

*

I downed a shot of tequila. I felt pretty low. Of course I was smiling, but it was only on the outside. I shot back another glass. My friends knew I suffered from depression and they’ve learned to deal with it – just ignore it. I did.

I didn’t want to be out with everyone tonight. I didn’t want to be alone either. In the end it was a coin toss about which one appealed to me less and eventually I found myself in the bar. I didn’t trust myself to stay home alone. In my current state of mind there was no telling what I was capable of. At least here there were people keeping an eye on me if only barely.

The alcohol wasn’t enough tonight. I needed more.

I got up and made my way to the restrooms. Once inside I removed a small bag containing white powder from my jacket pocket. I bought it off a guy near my apartment. After I was done I made sure that there were no traces left of my indiscretion and headed back to the guys.

I sometimes did crack – no big deal. It was just another way of dealing with my problems. Without fail, not long after I returned from the bathroom, my spirit was already lifted and I was ready to be the life of the party again. People let you down, but the drugs never did. There would always be something you could count on and that was that the substances had your back covered.

Chapter Text

I didn’t see Sarah at work on Monday. She was there, but she avoided me. I wanted to talk to her about the things I said the previous day, but I didn’t get an opportunity. I probably had plenty of opportunities, but the fact was that even if I wanted to talk to her, I wouldn’t know where to begin or what to say. I couldn’t justify my actions or my addictions for that matter.

I sat in my cubicle, deep in thought. In my drawer I found the picture of the girl I had drawn the week before. This time I recognized her. It was Kat. I had completely forgotten about her the last couple of days. It wasn’t like we had gotten along all too well after all, but then again we both said things that should’ve been left unsaid.

She was like me. She didn’t like talking about her personal life. Her problems were exactly that, hers. It didn’t have anything to do with anyone else. I should apologize to her when I see her again, if I see her again, though I doubt that she would talk to me.

The rest of the day dragged by at an excruciatingly slow pace. I kept trying to talk to Sarah, but she was always busy and made sure that there was always someone else around and it killed me. I desperately needed to talk to her. I didn’t even know what I would say, but it didn’t matter, because all I really wanted to do was see her.

By the end of the day I was exhausted and completely wired. I was wound so tightly, the slightest provocation would cause me to snap. I needed alcohol. I needed a release.

***

There were a couple more guys than usual that night: Steve, a relative of Joe, and, for some strange reason, Ray was there as well. He never hung out with us, because things always got out of hand or at least they always got too rough for his liking. He was probably there to check on me. He really worried way too much. At this rate his heart was likely to give in before my liver did.

“Welcome to the party, Ray,” I grinned upon seeing him at the bar. “You didn’t tell me you were coming tonight.”

He looked thoughtful for a moment before responding. “It was a spur of the moment decision. I haven’t been out with you guys in ages and I miss my social life.”

“Sure you do,” I said sarcastically.

“And this way I can keep an eye on you,” he admitted seriously.

“I knew it.” I resisted the urge to swear under my breath. “I told you I’m fine.”

“And I told you that I worry.”

“Don’t!” I snapped.

“Hey, guys,” Shawn greeted, joining us at exactly the right time. I didn’t want to fight with Ray, but it was inevitably going to happen had Shawn not interrupted when he did. “Ray, my man, I haven’t seen you in forever. Where have you been or do you know better than to hang out with these guys?”

Ray plastered on a smile and turned his attention away from me. “You know me. Give me an instrument and I’m at my happiest.”

Shawn laughed. “You’re such a loner. Just admit it.”

I rudely turned my back on their conversation and made my way over to Bert who seemed to have gotten a head start, because he was already drunk as fuck.

“Gerard baby, come give us a kiss,” he slurred, clinging onto my shoulders and planting a sweaty kiss on my cheek. “Isn’t he the most beautiful creature alive?” he asked the rest of our party while holding my chin and shaking my head from left to right.

This was exactly why I didn’t want to come here in the first place. I wasn’t in the mood for a drunken Bert. He had always been a lousy drunk. I didn’t want to put up with everyone. I had my own problems to deal with.

“Bert, you’re drunk,” I stated, carefully disentangling myself from him.

“Drunk for yoooou,” he said in a sing-song voice, grabbing a hold of me once more. I deeply breathed in and out in an attempt to calm myself down. I didn’t need this shit right now. Fine, it wasn’t fair to take my anger out on him. He didn’t do anything wrong, but that didn’t change the anger I felt inside me towards him at that moment, the anger I felt inside me, period.

“Bert,” I said slowly, calmly. “I’m not really in the mood right now.”

“But, Baby. Bert wants some love and attention.”

“Bert, please.” It was taking everything in me to stay cool, but when Bert continued to ignore me and practically got right in my face, I snapped. “Get off of me!” I pushed him away. The intoxicated male stumbled back against a table and looked at me in shock. Not so drunk now anymore all of a sudden, was he?

“What the fuck, Gerard?” he demanded clearly upset by my actions.

I wasn’t about to feel bad. I felt bad enough about Sarah already.

“I told you I wasn’t in the mood.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t give you a free pass to act like a dick!” he exclaimed incensed.

Now everyone else seemed to crowd around us.

“What’s going on here?” Joe wanted to know.

“Our dear friend here,” Bert hissed sarcastically, pointing at me. “Thought it would be fun to shove me against a table.”

“It wasn’t like that!” I yelled defensively. “I asked him to let go of me.”

“Gerard.”

I felt a hand on my shoulder. “Is everything okay man?” It was Shawn’s voice.

I could feel the resentful glares I was getting. Maybe it was all in my head, but…

“I don’t have to deal with this,” I stated, storming out of the bar.

I breathed a deep sigh of relief the second my tattered old converse hit the dirty pavement outside. What the fuck was wrong with me? Why the hell was I letting this whole thing with Sarah get to me so much? Was it even because of Sarah?

I heard the sound of crunching gravel and looked up just in time to see Kat before she disappeared into the darkness.

“Kat!” I called, jogging after to her.

I had no explanation for my actions or my fascination with this girl.

She slowly turned around and looked at me questioningly. “What do you want?”

“I want to talk to you…” I started, but she cut me off. “We have nothing to say to each other.”

“I want to apologize for everything I said the last time we spoke,” I said earnestly. “I had no right to make any assumptions concerning you or your life. You were right, it’s none of my business and I had no right to think that it was.” I gave her my best look of remorse hoping that it would soften her heart.

I was terribly confused. I couldn’t stand my own best friends right now, leaving them all mad at me, and here I was almost begging some stranger for forgiveness.

She stared at me for a long time probably trying to pin down how sincere my apology was. The truth was, I wasn’t too sure about that myself. At this moment I wasn’t sure of anything going on inside my head.

“I guess I might have overreacted a little.” She confessed. “I wasn’t exactly myself.”

“Truce?”

“Okay.” She gave a non-committal shrug and was about to leave when I stopped her.

“Where are you going?” I asked confused.

“I’m leaving.” It was like it was the most obvious thing in the world, but not to me. I didn’t understand. Why was she leaving?

“Wait, I’ll come with you,” I told her, because I finally had the opportunity to talk to her and I wasn’t planning on letting it slip through my fingers. I wanted to get to know her. I needed to get to know her. I shuddered at the thought that my need to know her might stem from the inherent need to know that someone else had it worse than I did. I was fucking disgusting.

We walked down the street in silence until we reached a small bar that I didn’t even know existed. Can you believe that? We sat down and ordered some drinks. Why bother with the weak stuff when you could skip right to the Jack?

“Spill,” she said, crossing one leg over the other.

“What?” I gape, taken aback.

“Come on, Gerard. I’m not blind. I can see that something is eating you up. What is it?”

“It’s nothing,” I scoffed, breaking eye contact with her and drawing invisible circles on the table with the tip of my finger. I could feel her blue eyes boring into me. I wasn’t aware that I had become so transparent.

“I don’t buy it. You can talk to me you know?”

I frowned up at her. “No personal questions, remember? Anyway, why do you insist on knowing what’s wrong?”

She looked uncertain for a moment then said, “Because I know what happens to a person when you have no one to talk to.”

Silence fell over us as she watched me intently and I focused my eyes on my drink and the action of actually drinking it.

“What’s your middle name?” Her question came out of the blue and I was completely dumbfounded. “Well, you don’t want to talk about it. I can at least try to take your mind off whatever problem it is that’s burdening you, if only for a while,” she explained almost sweetly, but not quite there yet. She still needed to work on that, but try to hide it as much as she wanted to, she cared more than she would like to admit.

“Arthur.”

“Well then, Gerard Arthur Way. What do you do for a living?” She wanted to know, leaning forward on her elbows.

I was still a little stunned by the sudden change of subject and didn’t immediately answer her question.

“I draw cartoons,” I replied.

“Really?” the blue-eyed female asked interestedly.

“Yeah, I work in a cubicle in a building downtown. It’s nothing flashy, obviously, but I like it.”

“Are you serious?” she slightly gaped.

“Yeah,” I nodded. “I’ve always loved drawing and I recently got my bachelors degree in fine arts.”

She suddenly started giggling. “I’m sorry.” She covered her mouth with her hand. “I don’t mean to laugh, I swear. There’s absolutely nothing funny about this.”

I could feel the tension begin to leave my body as I listened to her suppressed laughter. It somehow made me feel better. She took a large gulp from the glass in front of her and let out a deep breath.

“I always knew you got jobs like that, but I’ve never actually met anyone who did it,” she explained, clearly still amused by the idea. “No offence, but you don’t look like an artist either.”

“The truth is that I actually wanted to be a comic book artist. I’ve always been into that kind of stuff, you know, Doom Patrol, X-Men. It meant a lot to me as a kid and I figured that I could give a little something back to the world if my own comics could mean that much to only one kid.”

“That’s interesting,” she said, looking genuinely impressed. It felt strange to have her listen to me so attentively.

“What about you?”

“Me? I’ve always loved children and I dreamed of becoming a pediatrician, but instead I now serve coffee to ungrateful customers,” she muttered with a grimace. I could clearly read the disappointment at her own words on her features. It was like a thick black veil came over her. Any bit of openness she offered me before was now gone. The walls were back up.

 “Why didn’t you?” I would distract her from whatever unpleasant thoughts she was having as soon as I knew what went wrong with her dream.

“I made a mistake and it changed everything. My entire future collapsed and now I’m a total fuck up.” She said this with a contemptuous smile and it almost scared me. Something somewhere obviously went seriously wrong.

“No, you’re not,” I argued without hesitation. It was my turn to help her off her knees.

She looked up at me in a way that begged me to explain.

“Look, shit happens. It happens to the best of people. It’s what you make of it that makes the difference. I know I don’t really know you, but you seem to be doing well enough. You’re alive and well and living your life,” I said. “So maybe you have a drinking problem, it’s not the end of the world.”

“Yeah, of course.”

She looked down and I got the feeling that she had a lot more problems than I knew of and that my attempt to make her feel better backfired. I downed my drink and ordered another one, feeling crappy. We didn’t talk a lot more the rest of the night and as always I didn’t remember going home.

Chapter Text

The next couple of weeks were dreadfully long. When I thought about it, I realized that I was lonely. I missed Sarah. Even though we only spent a short amount of time together, I had a sense of companionship in her. It was nice.

But now I missed her. It was strange not seeing her at work anymore and knowing that she was gone and that indirectly it had been my fault.

Flashback
Enough was enough! I couldn’t take the distance between us anymore since our fall out. I decided I had to talk to Sarah. It was time to sort out the issues between us. I walked over to her cubicle and was surprised to see her packing up her things.

“What are you doing?” I asked in horror immediately thinking that she was leaving to
get away from me.

She looked up at the sound of my voice and actually smiled. “Hey, Gerard. I’m glad to see you. I was going to pop into your cubicle before I left.”

“What do you mean before you left?” I asked still shocked by what was happening in front of me. She was leaving. I knew it.

“I’m packing. I quit my job here.” She announced this as if it were good news, not to me it wasn’t.

“What??? No, you can’t! It’s not… Why??? Is it because of me?” I reacted heftily.

She was still smiling at me as if she was trying to appease a child and it was driving me up the walls. “Yes, it is because of you.” Subtle. Or just completely tactless like a rock. But there it was, she was leaving because of me.

“No, you can’t! I didn’t mean for it to be this way! You don’t have to! You shouldn’t! Sarah, stay, I’ll…”

“Gerard,” she spoke calmly holding up a hand to silence me. “Calm down please.”

I stopped talking and frowned deeply. This was definitely the last thing I expected. I did not plan for her to quit her job because of me. She was better at art than I was. If anyone should leave it should be me.

“Relax. This is really a good thing…” She started, but I interrupted her. “How can this be a good thing?” She was leaving me. I still couldn’t get over that fact.

“I was accepted at a university in Boston. I’m going to study graphics design. That’s why I had to quit and why I’m moving,” she explained. “I really want to thank you. I never would have had the courage to do this if it wasn’t for you.”

She must have seen the confusion on my face, because she carried on, “You’re the one who told me to do something with my talents.”

“Oh,” I said quietly.

So I wasn’t the reason she was leaving. Her leaving had nothing to do with what happened between the two of us. That was a huge relief. I almost thought that it was unbearable for her to be around me and that that was why she was leaving.

“Gerard, this really is a good thing. I’m really grateful to you, because you changed my life: in so many ways. I’m going to miss you so much,” she said, smiling again, but this time it was genuine and not in pity.

I managed to smile back at her. It was a good thing that she was taking her talents to the next level. She was going to do something more with her life.

“Here, I’ll help you carry this.”

Once we put the box in the cab she turned back to face me.

“Do you really have to go?” I asked hopefully, because I was going to miss her presence at work. I didn’t really want her to leave even if it was for the greater good. Who was I kidding anyway? It was never going to work between us.

“It’s only for a couple of years. I’ll be back before you know it.”

“I’m sorry,” I apologized, head hanging.

“For what?”

“I’ve been a real jerk lately and now you’re leaving.”

“That’s not why I’m leaving. I just wish I could have helped you before leaving,” she stated sadly.

I sighed, “Maybe one day we’ll meet again. We might even become a happy couple.”

She smiled brightly at this. “That’s something nice to look forward to.”

A short awkward silence followed with both of us just staring at each other. I could tell that she didn’t want to go either and was tempted to make her stay, but that wouldn’t be fair to her.

When I didn’t say anything she came back into motion. “I have to go. Gerard, take care of yourself,” she told me, hugging me tightly.

“You too and good luck.”

“Thanks,” she smiled almost sadly, getting into the cab.

I just waved as the car drove off.
End flashback

I went to her apartment the week before, but it was empty since she already moved out.

 I missed my brother, Mikey. We’ve always been best friends, since we were little kids. I could always tell him anything and he would always have my back. I missed my parents. Dad always had a way of making me laugh and Mom always knew how to make me feel better even if it was only by cooking my favorite food. They would always support me no matter what. I missed my grandmother, Elena. She was the one who taught me to sing and dance and draw when I was little. She was such a dear person and understood me or at least she tried. Hell, I even missed New Jersey: most of the time the cold weather matched my bleak moods, even though it was sometimes the weather that made it so.

On an impulse I decided to go visit my family. As soon as I arrived home from work that Friday, I grabbed a few clothes, stuffed them in a backpack and walked to the nearest train station. I sent my brother a message to ask if he’d mind picking me up when I arrived in Belleville.

Forty-five minutes later the train stopped and I got off. I peered over the heads of what seemed to be hundreds of people and finally noticed Mikey among them. The skinny kid with the sandy blonde hair and glasses kind of stood out in the crowd.

I walked over to him and smiled warmly. “Hey, Mikes.”

“Gerard,” he grinned broadly, clearly as happy to see me as I was to see him, and then hugged me tightly. “Man it’s good to see you again. I’ve missed you.”

I nodded in complete agreement, pulling away. “It’s good to be back.”

“Come on, let’s get you home. Mom can’t wait to see you again,” he informed me with a chuckle. “She’s kind of freaking out that you’re finally going to be home again. It’s been almost forever.”

“I can only imagine what awaits me when I get home,” I smiled. I could feel my insides warm. Mikey was right, it has almost been forever since I’ve seen my family. I never realized how much I missed them until now when I finally got to see them again.

We got into my parents old blue station wagon and Mikey drove towards our house. We didn’t talk all the way there. I just stared out the window into the darkness outside. My hot breath fogged up the glass, proof of the cold weather on the outside. I could barely make out the clouds building up.

“It looks like rain,” Mikey noticed too.

“Not that that’s news.” I muttered still looking out the window.

He chuckled, “Not really, huh?”

As soon as he parked the car in the driveway, my mom nearly came running out of the house to greet me.

“Gerard!” she exclaimed, crushing me in a hug. “We’ve missed you so much.”

“I missed you too, Mom. Mom, you’re going to kill me,” I huffed.

“Right, sorry,” she apologized allowing me room to breathe. “It’s been too long.”

Mikey removed my bag from the car and followed us inside the house. Inside, my dad greeted me with a smile.

“It’s good to have you home.”

I shook his hand and then he pulled me into a hug, though not as tightly as my mom’s.

“You should have let us known that you were coming sooner. I could have made something special,” my mom scolded me, but I knew it was all well intended.

“That’s really not necessary, Mom. Besides, I didn’t exactly plan on visiting. I just missed you all so much and came home on an impulse,” I told her truthfully.

She smiled, “Well, you know you’re always welcome here.”

She walked into the kitchen and my dad and Mikey sat down.

“Excuse me,” I said, taking my bag from Mikey and heading for my old room.

I walked inside and turned on the bed lamp. It still looked exactly the same as it did when I was in high school: the posters up on the walls, the black bedding. There were pages scattered all over the desk. I picked some of them up and looked at the sketches made on them. I smiled: they weren’t a lot different from the things I drew now, though they were a little rougher. It’s good to know that art school taught me something.

“Dinner’s ready,” Mikey announced, poking his head around the door.

“Oh, thanks,” I said and put the pages back down on the desk. It was good to be home in a safe and familiar environment. It almost felt strange. It was so quiet and peaceful, completely different to the environment I was used to now – busy bars and rowdy bodies.

I sat down to dinner with my family and realized just how much I’ve missed being home. I haven’t been home for four months. I was busy at work and then there was the thing with Sarah and my other problems.

My parents didn’t know that I turned to alcohol and drugs, even though I’ve been at it for more than a year now. Maybe that’s why my visits home had become fewer. I didn’t want them to find out, because I knew it would break my mom’s heart and they would be extremely disappointed. Besides, what kind of an example would I be setting for Mikey? No one needed a screw up for a brother.

After dinner, all of us sat in the living room just talking. It was such a family moment. For the first time in a very long time, I was pretty happy. I told them about how well things were going at work and that I was working on a presentation for the company – hopefully they’ll accept it and then I’ll have my own cartoon series. I found out that Mikey went to New York for a job interview and might move there within the next few weeks, depending on whether he got the job or not.

At about eleven, my parents retired to bed and Mikey and I stayed behind, watching television. I wanted to tell him about Sarah, but then I would have to explain why things didn’t work out and then I would have to lie so instead I kept it to myself. Soon he was asleep on the couch, though. I found a blanket on his bed and returned to cover him with it. I went to my room and climbed into bed.

I lie in the dark for hours, unable to sleep. My body wasn’t used to this: going to sleep sober. Normally I would pass out, but I couldn’t very well do that while I was home. I looked at the clock and saw that it was 03:41. Damn it.

I sat up with a sigh and turned on the bed lamp. I picked up my bag and pushed my hand down to the bottom, rummaging around for a few seconds until my fingers touched the little plastic bag. I pulled it out and sat down at the desk to get a fix. After that, I was wide-awake. I put on an extra hoodie and left the house. It was dangerous to be out in our neighborhood at night, but at that point I didn’t care.

The air was freezing and the pavement wet from the rain. It felt good walking outside at this time of night or maybe I was high. I couldn’t really tell. The cool air was refreshing. An hour later I returned home and quietly entered through the back door.

“Gerard? Where were you?” Mikey asked groggily from the darkness.

“I went out for a smoke,” I lied.

“It’s after five. You should be asleep,” he murmured, rubbing at his sleepy eyes.

“So should you,” I whispered.

He nodded slowly. “Goodnight.”

“You too.”

He turned around and walked to his room. I went back outside and lit a cigarette. I had trouble lighting it, because of the cold wind blowing. When I finished, I decided to take Mikey’s advice and go to bed. Unfortunately the effects of the cocaine didn’t wear off yet and I lie in bed sleepless until the sunlight hit my eyes.

***

I sat up slowly – feeling like a zombie due to a lack of sleep. I made my way to the bathroom and looked at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were red and I had dark circles under my eyes.

“Shit,” I mumbled, washing my face with cold water, not that it made any difference.

“Good morning,” my mom greeted cheerily when I entered the kitchen five minutes later.

Mom had always been a morning person. Mikey and I could never understand it though. She was busy making breakfast.

“Morning, Mom,” I managed a smile.

She looked at me worriedly, “Are you okay?”

I coughed. “I’m fine. Don’t worry. I just didn’t get much sleep last night.”

“Nothing a steamy cup of coffee and a good breakfast can’t fix,” she smiled. “Do you eat well?”

I chuckled, “Mom, I’ve been living alone for two years now. I think I know how to take care of myself by now.”

“I’m just being motherly,” she defended herself. “Besides, I married your father. I know the way he lived alone. It was just junk food, coffee and beer and he lived like that for five years! That’s not taking care of yourself.”

“Are you talking about me?” Dad asked coming into the kitchen and giving Mom a kiss. “Good morning, Gerard.”

“Morning, Dad,” I replied.

“I was just telling Gerard how not to live,” Mom informed him.

“It’s a good way of living,” my dad argued. “In fact it’s the perfect way for a bachelor to live. You don’t have to cook and there aren’t any dishes.”

“It’s disgusting,” Mom said, turning around to finish breakfast.

“Hey everyone,” Mikey mumbled, coming into the kitchen.

“Coffee?” I asked him.

He nodded and I made him a cup also pouring myself another one. I was going to need a lot more coffee to get me through this day.

“Thanks,” he mumbled.

I sat back down at the table and pulled a hand through my hair, before supporting my head with it.

“Do you have any plans for today?” Mom asked me.

I shook my head, “Not really.”

“Oh, well, maybe you should look up some of your old friends,” she suggested.

I laughed cynically, since I didn’t really have that many old friends. I used to be the invisible kid in high school and when I finished and moved to New York, I left all of that behind, even the one or two occasional friends I might have had. At least, that was the plan – I was still invisible, but it didn’t even bother me. I preferred to be invisible, because no one ever bothered me.

“Maybe I’ll walk into town for a while,” I shrugged undecided.

“I can drop you off on my way to work,” Dad offered.

“No, that’s okay. I’m used to walking by now and besides, I need the exercise,” I told him truthfully, earning a hearty chuckle.

“Suit yourself. I’ll see you all this afternoon.”

He kissed my mom and then disappeared from the kitchen.

“I’m going to take a shower,” I muttered, before heading to the bathroom.

***

“Gerard Way! I can’t believe it!” I heard someone say as I stood in line at a Starbucks not far from my parents’ house.

I turned around and looked at the guy standing behind me. I didn’t recognize him at first. He had shaggy blonde hair and a goatee.

“You don’t remember me, do you?” he asked seeming amused.

An image came into my head and I remembered who he was.

“Of course I do,” I chuckled, “You’re the everyday loud mouth Matt Pelisier.”

“Thank you, thank you,” he grinned, making playful little bows.

“Long time no see,” I grinned back.

“Yeah, four fucking years! I’ll say that’s a long time,” he agreed.

“You remember my brother Mikey?” I checked, pointing a thumb in my brother’s direction, who was at the counter buying us coffee.

“Oh, yeah. Man he’s grown up!”

I chuckled, “Yeah, he’s taller than I am.”

“How have you been?” Matt wanted to know.

“I’ve been good,” I nodded. It wasn’t a complete lie. I thought I was good and no one was going to tell me otherwise. “How about you?”

“Oh, you know me. I’m always great: happy-go-lucky.”

“I remember.”

Matt was one of the few friends I had in high school. Of course I never thought I’d see him again.

“What are you up to nowadays?” he wanted to know.

“I’m just visiting my parents for the weekend and then I’m going back to the city,” I told him.

“How are you surviving New York?”

“Just fine really. I recently got my degree and I have a job. My apartment’s nothing fancy, but it’s home and otherwise I also have a couple of friends I usually hang out with,” I told him.

“That’s good to hear, man, really good to hear,” he smiled.

Mikey joined us at this point and we waited for Matt to also get his before we found a table and sat down.

“What are you up to?” I asked.

“Oh, a little bit of this and a little bit of that,” he shrugged. “Nothing major. How long did you say you were in town for?” he checked.

“I’m leaving again tomorrow,” I replied.

“Man, that sucks. I thought we could maybe hang out a bit before you go,” he said.

“We can do that,” I smiled. “We still have tonight.”

He grinned broadly, “Cool! There’s a bar about two blocks away from here. I’ll meet you both there at nine? You better be there too, Mikey.”

Mikey smiled, “Of course I’ll be there. It’s been a while since I’ve gone out or since I’ve hung out with my brother.”

“See you then,” I told him.

“Well, I’m off. See you tonight,” Matt said, getting up and walking out the door.
Matt just became my excuse to go out tonight. Getting drunk with an old high school buddy wasn’t that out of the ordinary. My parents and Mikey wouldn’t know a thing.

“You ready to go?” I asked my brother while swiping sugar off the table top.

“Yes, what’s on the agenda?”

“You pick.”

***

The weekend went by way too fast and when Sunday afternoon came around and it was time for me to leave for the city again, I felt sad to go. Family really made the days better. Things were never too bad when I was still in the house.

“Don’t let it be months before we see you again,” Mom told me, clearly not ready to let go of me yet. “One weekend is way too short. You should take some time off and spend the week here.”

“Your mother is right. It’s nice to have both you boys under our roof.”

“I’ll try, Dad, but I can’t make any promises.”

I turned to Mikey and he offered me a grin.

“I’ll probably see you sooner than you think.”

“I’m looking forward to it,” I smiled sincerely.

After that I got on the train, waving at my family for the last time before sitting down and waiting to return to the Big – bad - Apple.

Chapter Text

“What’s up, Ray?” I grinned, walking into the Starbucks around about eleven.

“Coffee, coffee and…

“Coffee?”

“You guessed it,” he grinned. “What’s up with you? You seem happy.”

I chuckled, “Can’t I just be happy?”

“Yeah, but normally there’s a reason,” he noted. “Anyway, where were you this morning? I had your usual coffee waiting, but you never came flying in here like you usually do. And why aren’t you at work?”

I took a seat in front of him and accepted the beverage he already knew I would order.

“I took the day off work,” I informed him. “Mikey is moving in later today and I wanted to be there when he arrived. Besides, my leave is way over due. I think I deserve at least one day to myself.”

He nodded, “Good old Mikey. I remember you mentioning something about him coming to the city. How is he?”

“He’s great. He’s real grown up now,” I chuckled lightly. “He got a job at some bookstore.”

Ray grinned broadly. “It will be good to see him again. He’s probably going to come in here as much as you do,” he joked.

“Caffeine runs in our blood. What else can I say?”

Our conversation was interrupted by someone storming past me and around to the back of the
counter. “Shit, I’m so sorry I’m late!”

Ray rolled his eyes, leaning on the counter with one elbow and looking at her in disapproval. “It’s nothing new. You just really stretched it out today.”

I took a sip of my coffee, thinking for a moment that she was going to ignore him as she took off her hoodie.

“I said I’m sorry okay?” she eventually responded while shoving the piece of clothing under the counter and whipping around to face him.

“You’re sorry every day and yet you keep being late,” Ray continued to lecture her.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t help it. It’s not like I plan on being late every morning!”

“Ever heard of an alarm clock?” he asked as a matter of fact.

I looked at the girl who seemed like she was going to explode. I was surprised by the scene before me. I didn’t exactly expect this from either the people in front of me. Yes, Ray was strict especially when it came to being responsible, but he wasn’t even being nice about it. Okay, maybe I did expect this from her. It would seem that she had somewhat of a short temper.

“I’m sorry, Mr. ‘Stick-up-my-butt’. It won’t happen again,” she replied cheekily.

“Grow up…” Ray started to say.

“Kat?”

She immediately stopped listening to Ray and turned her head in my direction, probably glad for the distraction. She blinked a couple of times.

“What are you doing here?” she wanted to know.

“I’m talking to you,” Ray exclaimed sternly realizing that she wasn’t paying attention to him anymore.

“Fuck it, Toro!” she snapped. “I’m helping a damn customer.” It was obviously a blatant lie, firstly, since I already had coffee, and secondly because she really wasn’t helping me and Ray knew that.

“I come here every day,” I told her ignoring their arguing.

I heard Ray grumble something before he finally noticed that Kat and I were talking.

“You two know each other?” he asked confused.

“We do,” I affirmed, smiling. “We’ve hung out once or twice.”

“I work here every day and I’ve never seen you here before,” Kat continued still ignoring him.

“Because you’re always late,” Ray commented.

“How long have you been working here?” I questioned wondering why we’ve never seen each other.

“Longer than a year now,” she replied.

 “Well, I’ve been coming here every day for even longer than that.”


“I can confirm that,” Ray spoke up seeming to have forgotten that he was still fighting with Kat.

“Small world,” she muttered absentmindedly.

It dawned on me that maybe I have seen her, I just never actually noticed her before. I looked, but didn’t see. It was a slightly unsettling thought, but made me realize that I was only human. I was so self-absorbed that I didn’t take note of the people around me.

“How do you two know each other?”

I deliberately chose not to dwell on my own thoughts, instead opting to solely focus on the conversation going on. There was no need to ruin my good morning with negative realizations.

“We’ve been friends for a couple of years now,” Ray answered and I nodded.

Kat looked stunned by this revelation. “I never would have guessed it. If you guys will excuse me for a little while, I need to go to the back and have a smoke to calm my senses, because I have a huge hangover and you upset me,” she said, looking at Ray while she spoke the last part and then heading for the backdoor.

“Hold up!” I called to her, emptying the last gulp of my coffee and jogging after her with Ray staring after me.

“Don’t you have work?” Kat wanted to know as we stepped outside to the sounds of traffic and stale back alley air.

“I got the day off. My brother is moving in with me today.”

“Oh,” she looked surprised by this revelation. The female with hair as black as the night lit up a cigarette and blew smoke out into the already polluted air of New York City. “Man, I really do not know you. I didn’t even know you had a brother.”

“We don’t spend enough time together.”

“You’re the one who’s been a stranger.”

“Aw, have you missed me?” I teased with a smile making her laugh. “No, I just haven’t seen you in a while. That’s all.”

I looked down the alley at a honking car before responding. “I’ve had a bit of an off time. There was this girl I liked, but things didn’t exactly work out the way I planned.” My eyes met the gravel under my feet as I frowned at the thought of Sarah. With Mikey coming to live with me, I haven’t thought of her the last day or two.

“What happened?” Kat asked genuinely sympathetic.

I breathed in deeply. “Well, I’m an addict and she isn’t. There’s your first clue. I wasn’t ready to change.” I said this last part remembering our argument. Sarah wanted to help me clean up, but I didn’t want to. “Anyway, she left to continue her studies and that was it.”

“That sucks. I’m sorry.”

I looked up again. “That’s okay,” I waved it off. “It gave me an excuse to go home and spend some time with my family again.”

“Did you have a good time at home?”

“Oh yeah,” I smiled. “It was really good to be somewhere I felt safe and even appreciated. It’s a rare feeling, not being alone.” There was a nostalgic little smile on her face making me feel both happy and sad for her at the same time. Happy that she had good memories to be nostalgic about, but sad that they didn’t seem to be apply to her present life anymore. “And I saw my grandmother, Elena. I miss her all the time. I swear that woman made me who I am,” I stopped, thinking. “Aside from all the bad shit I mean.”

Kat nodded, understanding what I meant. “Why don’t you move back there? You can be surrounded by your loved ones all the time. Things can actually get better.”

I shook my head. “No, I can’t. My life is here. Besides, Mikey’s moving in so things are already looking up.”

“Your parents don’t know, do they?”

I swallowed hard. “I don’t want to disappoint them or break their hearts.”

“I get it. Believe me, I honestly do.” It was like there was more that she wanted to say, but she didn’t.

She dropped the cigarette bud and stepped on it. “Unfortunately I have to get to work otherwise Ray might pop a vein.

I chuckled at her comment. It was true. He definitely needed to relax.

I stuffed my hands in my pockets and followed her back inside. “Can I say that you have the coolest job ever?”

She laughed, “No way! I work at a Starbucks.”

“Way! At least, I think so. Just think about it this way: you have all the coffee you want right there, all day long and it’s the best medicine for a hangover. Maybe it’s just me, since I’m a huge caffeine addict. I love coffee. I’ll probably get high on its aroma alone,” I got a little carried away. “It’s the good stuff, not coffee colored water like we get at work.”

“You really are an addict,” she laughed, putting on her apron and cap. “It was nice talking to you, but I’m officially on duty now and Ray is watching me like a hawk.”

“Good luck with that. I’ll see you around. We should meet up again soon.”

“Drop by sometime and we’ll arrange something.”

“I will,” I smiled in response. “See you later, Ray,” I said, leaving.

*

“You should have been nice to me. It wouldn’t cost you money.” I quietly sang along to Morrissey where I sat at the only, slightly off-kilter, table in my small apartment, which was somewhat clean for a change, all for Mikey’s arrival, drawing. “And on the moments when I fell down not for you to say, oh, I told you so.” For the first time in a very long time, my mind was at ease. I was enjoying a beer and I enjoyed drawing right then. Lately it felt like I was only drawing as a job. It wasn’t fun anymore, not something I loved like it used to be. However, here in my apartment, waiting for Mikey to join me in my messed up world, I couldn’t stop even if I wanted to. I loved it and I loved the image emerging on the paper before me.

It was crazy how lifted my spirits were thanks to Mikey moving in with me. I missed the kid and it would be great to have him here. It was like I knew that from now on everything would just be better. Things were going to change around here from now on.

A knock on the door drew my attention and I jumped up excitedly, hurrying to open up for my little brother.

“Hey, Gerard,” he smiled at me, one bag slung across his left shoulder and another in his right hand.

“Mikes.” I pulled him into a tight hug. You would never believe that I saw him only two weeks ago. I stepped back after letting him go and motioned for him to come inside. “Welcome to your new home.”

“Thank you,” he chuckled.

“Make yourself at home. Let me show you to your room

In truth the apartment only had one bedroom, but I was more than willing to let Mikey have it. It wasn’t like I used it much anyway. I’d still keep my clothes in there, but he could have the bed.

Mikey obediently followed me to the bedroom, but didn’t drop his things. “Isn’t this your room?”

“Not anymore. I’m going to sleep on the couch.”

“No, Gerard. I didn’t come here to take over your apartment. I insist that I sleep on the couch.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” I argued. “I’m barely ever here anyway. I think the bed would appreciate it if someone used it for a change. Honestly, it’s no big deal.”

“Are you sure,” he asked uncertainly. “I don’t want to be a bother.”

“Mikey, you’re not a bother,” I replied almost exasperated. “Take the fucking bed. I’m fine on the couch.” After all, it’s where I slept basically all the time, possibly because that’s about as far as I usually get before passing out.

“Okay,” he muttered unconvinced. “But you’ll tell me the second you want your bed back. I mean we can always share too.”

I chuckled lightly. “I might take you up on that last offer one or two times.”

He dropped his stuff on the bed and we headed back to the living room.

“Morrissey, nice,” he grinned at the stereo and then taking in his surroundings.

“It’s not much, but you can live here.”

“What?” he looked at me with wide eyes. “No, this is great. Really! Thanks a lot for letting me come live with you for a while. It will help a lot while I find my feet.”

“No problem. You’re welcome to stay as long as you’d like, indefinitely even.” I grinned at him. “You’ll notice that my cupboards are empty most of the time. We’ll have to go and get sustenance for the night.”

He nodded, digging his wallet out of his pocket. “Let me cover this time.”

“You can pay for the food,” I agreed. I would not let my brother pay for my addictions even if he didn’t know about it. Alcohol was definitely on the menu though, unless I wanted things to get bad. “We have to celebrate.”

*

Our little trip to the store didn’t take too long. On our return to the apartment, we made ourselves comfortable on the couch with a hamburger in one hand and a beer in the other.

“I think I’m going to like it here.”

“You definitely will. I love it here. For the most part, everything here is different from back home, the culture even the people. It’s quite an experience.”

“I’ll bet.” He looked excited to be here.

The greasy food was good, the company was great and several beers and cigarettes later, we were still on the couch talking, catching up, although we weren’t sitting as much as lying down. By this point we were both not too sober anymore either. Mikey was a light weight and the booze had affected him a lot more than it did me, but my honest side was starting to show. That’s how I knew I had alcohol in my system.

“I fucking hate my job.”

“What? Why?” Mikey asked confused. “I thought it’s what you wanted to do. You love drawing.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do. I just really hate my job.” My head was propped up on my elbow on the arm rest of the couch and Mikey was lying practically horizontally sprawled out on the rest of the couch. “I’ve worked there for longer than a year now and I don’t know any of the people I work with. The one person I did know recently left. Despite my time there, I haven’t gotten anywhere either.” I sighed, disappointed with my life. “I’m stuck in a dead end job. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not doing anything.” It frustrated me.

“Then quit.”

“I wish I could, but I have bills to pay and a lifestyle to uphold.”

Mikey started laughing. “What lifestyle?”

My alcoholic lifestyle, but of course I didn’t tell him that. “You know I can’t decrease my consumption of coffee and cigarettes.”

“Fair enough.” He let out a giggle.

“I’ll have to find another job first. But I will quit. All in good time.”

“Yeah, Gee,” he breathed deeply, turning on his side and shutting his eyes.

“Go to bed, Mikes.”

“Okay.” He suddenly sat up looking completely out of it and I couldn’t help laughing. “You cannot handle your alcohol.”

“I know,” he said with a stupid grin plastered on his face. “G’night, Gee.” He stood up and practically sleep walked to his room.

I chuckled quietly, lying back on the couch and staring up at the ceiling. Tonight was fun. It was nice having a familiar face around. There was snoring from the bedroom and I knew Mikey was fast asleep. Damn that was fast. I should probably get to sleep too. I had work in the morning. I sighed deeply, closing my eyes and waiting for sleep to come.

Chapter Text

Crunch. Clink. Clink. Crunch. Crunch.

I frowned, annoyed by the sounds disturbing my unconscious state.

Clink. Clink. Clink.

My eyes shot open as the sounds persisted. For a moment I wondered what was going on and where I was. The stained ceiling was definitely that of my own apartment, but what the hell were those noises.

I sat up and looked around for the source of the disturbance.

“Good morning, Gee!”

Mikey sat at the kitchen table eating cereal and that was what the clinking and crunching sounds were all about.

“Want some cereal?” he asked, holding the bowl up.

I shook my head, one, to clear it and two, to let him know that I didn’t want any. “I don’t really do the breakfast thing. I never have time in the mornings. Speaking of. “What is the time?”

Mikey looked at his watch, still busy chewing. “It’s almost a quarter to eight.”

“Ah, shit. I have to get going before I’m late for work.” I was halfway to my bedroom when I stopped and turned to look at Mikey. He seemed fine for someone who should be hung-over given his condition the night before. Or maybe he was one of those people who had all the energy in the world the next morning, but gets sick at the mention of alcohol. It didn’t matter though, aside from the fact that I was jealous. “What time do you have to be in?”

“I only start at nine,” the cocky little kid smirked at me.

I grumbled the rest of the way into the bedroom where I changed my clothes and had time to fix my hair and even brush my teeth.

“Have a great first day at work, Mikes!” Simply to be an asshole, I ruffled his hair as I passed him on my way out of the apartment.

“Gerard, you dick! I already styled it!” Mikey shouted irately, glaring after me. I didn’t respond other than to smile to myself.

I reached the Starbucks quicker than I usually did – man, I guess being completely hung-over really did affect your physical abilities – and I was surprised to see that Kat was already on duty.

“Look who’s up early and actually on time for work,” I smiled as I approached her.

“Here’s looking at you,” Kat grinned back at me. “What can I get you?”

“I think today I’ll treat myself to a regular coffee, but only one sugar please.”

“On it.” Kat turned away to get my coffee ready and I pulled out the right amount of money while I waited.  “I have no idea how people can drink their coffee bitter like this. I hate coffee if it has less than three sugars in it.”

I chuckled at her comment. “Not all people have a sweet tooth like you clearly do.”

“I don’t, but come on, it really doesn’t taste nice.”

I shook my head. “I like it this way. Three sugars are too sweet, but to each his own.”

She shrugged, handing me my coffee and taking the money. “Will I see you tonight?”

“I’m sure we can work something out. I’ll probably have dinner with my brother, but I’ll meet you afterwards?”

“Sure,” she smiled in response. “Enjoy work.”

“Thanks.” I was out the door and back on the busy street with that, heading to another day of work.

*

“Where are you going?” Mikey asked when I put my jacket on and grabbed my wallet after dinner.

“I have plans with a friend,” I answered vaguely, looking around for my keys.

 “What time will you be back?” he wanted to know, getting up and following me to the door.

“Don’t wait up,” I told him with a small smile.

It took a few seconds for him to say, “Okay, have fun!”

I disappeared out the door and made a beeline for the stairs. Kat was probably already waiting for me. Mikey and I talked so much during dinner that it took longer than I had planned. It was fun, but I was looking forward to spending some time with Kat again. I’ve seriously neglected her during the last couple of weeks. The vague answers I gave my brother were only to keep him from asking questions that I wouldn’t be able to answer without lying. I was only trying to protect him, I kept telling myself. He did not need to get dragged into my train wreck life.

I arrived at the little nowhere bar to find Kat already waiting and having a drink. Then again she’s probably been here a while.

“Hey, sorry I’m late,” I apologized, sitting down on the bar stool next to her.

She smiled as soon as she saw me. “No problem. I got an early start anyway. Besides, I don’t want to steal your time with your brother.”

“We spend enough time together,” I assured the female. “He’ll be fine without me.”

Kat shrugged. “Okay. How have you been?”

“Me? Somewhat busy, but good I guess and you?”

“How well can it really go?” she countered.

“Fair point,” I conceded, turning to the barman and ordering a beer. “Do you remember some time ago when you wanted to know what was wrong with me and we ended up talking about random stuff instead?”

Kat chuckled lightly. “Gee, we always talk about random stuff.”

I frowned at her observation, but then realized that it was only the truth. “Yeah, we do. Why do we do that?”

“Well,” she paused to take a sip of her drink. “It’s easier than to talk about our real problems.”

I remembered. No personal questions. It was easier, but on the other hand, it was unnecessarily shallow. How could you ever form a real bond with someone if they had no idea who you were or where you came from? It was stupid.

“Okay, mind if I change things up a little then?” I asked and she shrugged again. “I was upset that day because a person I had gotten really close to left the city and it was entirely my fault.” Kat nodded slowly, listening intently to what I was telling her. It was nice having someone to talk to, someone who somewhat knew my problems and wouldn’t judge me for it. “Sarah and I worked at the same place. That’s how we knew each other. We were complete opposites, though, and when she found out about my addictions, she wanted to help me clean up. I wasn’t ready and that was pretty much the end of it.”

“So she left?”

“Not exactly like that, no. Earlier on when we’d only been getting to know each other, I told her that life held more for her and that I thought she should go deeper into art. It turns out that she had listened to me and she had applied to a Boston college in order to further her art studies. That was the real reason why she left.  What I actually wanted to tell you was that she called me today and things are going great over there. She’s working hard, but she’s having a blast doing what she loves.”

Kat smiled, “I’m happy to hear it, especially that you guys are still keeping in touch. It seems that she’s special to you. I remember how torn up you were after she left.”

I nodded solemnly. “I miss her.”

“I can imagine that you do.”

“That first night we spoke, you said that everyone has friends. Why haven’t I seen you with yours before?” I inquired curiously, suddenly wanting to change the subject. Yes, I opened up to her on my own, if only a little, but that did not mean that I wanted to share everything at once. This was going to be a long process and it wasn’t going to be easy either. The fact that I told her about missing Sarah was already a big step.

Kat clearly didn’t expect my question, judging by the look she gave me. I genuinely wondered about it, though. The raven-haired beauty seemed to be a great girl and yet she was always alone. I couldn’t figure out why she never had anyone with her. Despite the fact that she could be a real bitch if she chose to be, she was actually pretty nice and kind of shy. I enjoyed her company and couldn’t see why other people wouldn’t. Then again she was good at keeping people away with her distant attitude and due to the fact that she didn’t exactly welcome any company. I remembered the first time I tried to talk to her and how that ended. Oh well. We got along perfectly fine now and I’ve been seeing more of her recently. She was finally relaxing a little around me. Maybe she’s finally realizing that I won’t bite.

She shifted awkwardly after a moment.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to answer that,” I told her, picking up my beer and taking a swig.

“No, it’s okay,” she assured me. “I don’t actually have friends. I mean, I had friends once upon a time, but that was a long time ago.”

“What happened?” I started. “Sorry, I’ll stop with the personal questions…”

“Good, but honestly, reality happened. Life finally caught up with me.”

I frowned confused. I had no idea what she meant by that, but I wasn’t going to pry. I didn’t need her running out on me again like before.

“One more question?” I said uncertainly.

“Shoot.”

“How can a girl like you be single?” It was a very rude question, but I couldn’t contain my curiosity.

“What makes you think that I’m single?” she countered.

“Well, you don’t have any friends and you’re always alone. Besides, I don’t think your boyfriend would approve of you going out and getting drunk with me night after night,” I explained my query. It was fair of me to wonder.

“Fair enough, but I’ll have you know that I’m not single.”

That was an unexpected response.

“In that case I’ll have you know that your boyfriend’s an ass, because it seems that you spend more time with me than you do with him.”

“I’m actually married,” she informed me with a small smile and my jaw dropped.

“No fucking way!” I exclaimed, unable to stop myself.

She smiled innocently, holding up her left hand to show off the thin gold wedding band on her finger.

“You look so young,” I pointed out still completely stunned.

“I am young,” she replied deadpan. “I’m only twenty.”

I couldn’t even collect my thoughts properly, because my mind was unable to wrap itself around the fact that she was only twenty and already married. Married! How was that even possible?

“And how long have you been married?” I continued attacking her with questions. I just couldn’t believe she was really married and despite the fact that she showed me the proof.

“A little longer than a year now,” she responded.

“Wow, you didn’t waste any time,” I murmured, taking a large gulp of alcohol.

“No kidding,” she agreed with a roll of her eyes.

It would probably take me some time getting used to this new information, a lot of time.

“You know, normally the ring on my finger keeps guys away. No one wants to talk to a married woman,” she joked. “But for some strange reason you just didn’t seem to give a damn.”

“I never noticed you wearing a ring,” I admitted a little freaked out. “Maybe if I had, I would’ve kept my distance as well.”

“And now that you know that I’m married?” she wanted to know, her blue eyes watching me intently.

I thought about her question. Yes, her being married was definitely a huge surprise, but it didn’t really change anything. We were just drinking buddies and if he didn’t have a problem with it before then I don’t see what the problem would be now. I didn’t mind her being married. It didn’t have anything to do with me.

I shrugged, “It doesn’t really change anything. We’re just two friends hanging out.”

She smiled, satisfied at my words and nodded, “We are. And there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Not at all,” I agreed also smiling.

It didn’t change anything. I wasn’t going to give up good company simply because she was married.

“Where is he, your husband?”

“He’s most likely at the library or at home studying. He’s really busy, working and doing his business degree simultaneously.” I could see how proud she was of him. Something didn’t make sense, though. It would seem that everything was good. She seemed to be happily married. I couldn’t reconcile that image with the girl who took pills and alcohol to feel better. Something was still off, but I decided not to ask. We’ve done enough sharing for one night. There was no point in freaking each other out with our entire life stories all at once. We had time.

Chapter Text

The days flew by fast and so did the weeks. I was still going out and getting smashed every night, but by some miracle, Mikey still didn’t know my secret. He was usually already asleep by the time I sauntered in and he’d be gone by the time I woke up in the mornings. I didn’t know if he could tell in my sleeping state that I was drunk or anything. He hadn’t said anything yet, so I assumed that I was still safe. If he found out he’d be really disappointed and angry. He’d most probably go Ray on my ass and start lecturing me on what a stupid thing it was to do and that it’s going to kill me and blah, blah, blah. Ray may be my friend, but he didn’t know the first thing about being me. He had no idea what he was talking about every time he lectured me on my addictions. I’ll admit that it wasn’t always nice to wake up in the morning, not being able to remember anything from the night before, but I was okay with that. At least I knew who I was and I knew who my friends were. I didn’t live my life in denial. I knew that I had a problem, but it was my problem; no one else’s. It was almost time to go home and I started to clean up my desk. I never really did, but it looked like a hurricane had hit it. When I finished up, I took my usual detour to Starbucks. I knew Kat was already gone by this hour, but at least Ray would still be there to keep me company while I waited for my coffee.

“You know, it’s really your fault nowadays that Katherine is always late in the mornings, considering that you’re the one who keeps her out and helping her get drunk.”

I laughed, “Now that you mention it… I guess I am.”

“So it’s because of a girl that you’re out all night,” Mikey said from behind.

I could use this as an excuse for my daily disappearances. It wouldn’t really be a lie since I did spend all my time with Kat lately. We haven’t made any more life altering revelations after her marriage confession, but it was cool. We still got to know each other better even if it were just the mechanics of how one another operated and thought. She was a very interesting person to say the least.

“You got me,” I said, smiling.

He chuckled, “I was wondering what you did every night until the early morning hours. So what’s her name and when do I meet her?”

“Geez, Mikes, not so fast. We just hang out occasionally,” he said hurriedly. The chance of him ever meeting her was less than nothing.

“Night after night you mean,” he stated smiling.

“She’s married,” Ray piped in. I glared at him, wondering why he couldn’t keep that tiny little piece of information to himself.

Mikey frowned a little too. “I never thought you’d be into the lady Cougar thing, Gee.”

“I’m not. She’s only twenty years old,” I informed him. “And we’re just friends.”

“Oh, okay. Gerard, I’m cooking tonight, so keep it open,” Mikey told me.

“Is it safe?” Ray joked.

“O crap,” I swallowed.

Ray and I both cracked up.

“Fuck you guys!” Mikey grinned, walking backwards towards the entrance. “Gerard, don’t be late.”

Once Mikey was gone and the joking at an end, Ray looked at me seriously. “We need to talk.”

 “You heard what Mikey said. I don’t want to be late,” I joked.

“Yeah, but it won’t take long. It’s about Mikey anyway,” he informed me.

I nodded, because now he definitely had all my attention. “Okay. What about him?”

“It’s actually about you and Mikey.”

I frowned deeply, because I couldn’t even think of what he wanted to talk about that concerned both me and Mikey.

“From our conversation just now I deduced that Mikey doesn’t know about your problems yet,” he said.

I put my coffee down on the counter in front of me with more force than I intended, causing some of it to spill. I barely noticed however. So that’s what this was all about. Of course. I should’ve known the second he put me and Mikey’s names in one sentence.

“Of course he doesn’t know,” I responded as if it should’ve been obvious.

“When are you going to tell him?” he wanted to know.

“Are you kidding me??” I exclaimed. “Do you honestly think I’m going to tell him?”

 “You should.”

“Oh yeah, I’m just going to go up to him and say, ‘Hey, little brother. I’m an alcoholic. Oh, and did I tell you that I do drugs on occasion as well?’” I said sarcastically. “That’s going to have a fairytale ending for sure.”

“He’ll find out sooner or later. Mikey isn’t stupid!” he insisted.

“I don’t want him to know,” I argued stubbornly. He didn’t need this knowledge affecting his life.

“Oh, that makes complete sense! That’s why you keep going out night after night and getting drunk when he’s living with you!” he exclaimed.

“Then why the fuck don’t you ask him to move in with you?” I demanded.

People were starting to stare and Ray lowered his voice. “You’re fucking selfish! You never think about how this affects everyone around you or the people you care about. As long as you’re happy.”

“Maybe that’s just who I am,” I noted coolly. “I’m not going to tell Mikey, end of story.”

“If you won’t then I will,” Ray threatened. “It’s better that he finds out from you though than finding out from someone else.”

“If he finds out at all,” I muttered.

“I give up! It’s useless and completely senseless to argue with you. You’re just too damn stubborn!” he yelled loudly. “Do what you want. Just know that when this all blows up in your face, and it definitely will, I’ll be there to say I told you so. I’m trying to help you, but you just won’t let me.”

“I know, but I don’t need your help.” I hissed. “I’m fine and Mikey is better off not knowing. Trust me.”

He sighed, shaking his head, “I still don’t agree with you, but whatever. You have to get home before Mikey starts to wonder whether he cooked for himself.”

I grabbed my coffee back off the counter, but stopped before leaving. “Ray, thanks for your concern, but it’ll be okay.”

He nodded, “I sincerely hope so.”

With that I left, coffee in hand. The streets were busy, as always, but it helped somewhat against the cold weather. All the bodies kept the worst of the wind from reaching me.

“Stranger,” I heard someone speak behind me.

I turned around and smiled, “Hey, Bert.”

“It’s good to know that you still remember me, since we barely ever see you anymore,” he said somewhat resentfully.

“You know I can’t exactly go out every night now that Mikey’s here,” I lied. He didn’t need to know about Kat’s existence. I had difficulty enough keeping a friendship going without Bert’s help.

“Why not? He’s probably asleep by the time you get home and gone before you wake up. He’ll be none the wiser.”

“I know…” I conceded.

I can only conjure up so many believable lies.

“Come out with us tonight. It’s going to be huge. Everybody’s going to be there. Shawn’s cousins are in New York for a couple of days and they’ll be joining us. You remember those crazy bastards, don’t you?” he laughed.

“I do,” I smiled, remembering the last time they were in the city. That was a crazy weekend that I honestly couldn’t recall the half of. Come to think of it, it’s been a while since I had fun with the guys. “Sure, why the hell not? Like you said, Mikey won’t find out and besides, I haven’t been out with you guys in a while.”

“There’s the Gerard I know,” he grinned. “I was starting to think that you’d gone AA on our asses.”

I cracked up, “Not in this life.”

“I’ll keep you to that,” he assured me.

“Let’s go,” I said eagerly and we headed out to the usual bar. I called Mikey on the way to let him know that something had come up and that I couldn’t make it to dinner. He sounded disappointed, but told me that it was fine. I felt guilty about letting him down, but what else was I supposed to do? I could only keep so many people happy at the same time.

As Bert had said, everyone was there. I barely knew half of the people which made me realize how little I’ve been hanging out with the guys nowadays. I enjoyed Kat’s company, but I missed getting crazy with the guys. I was always the life of the party. It was good seeing everyone again.

“The legend’s back!” Shawn exclaimed.

“Back to drink you under the table,” I joked.

“Oh, a challenge!”

“Already starting with that shit again,” Joe noticed.

“It’s tradition,” Shawn stated. “How else do we always start the night?”

“Fair enough,” he agreed.

We lined up about three other guys and then the five of us had a drinking contest, starting with beers. As the night proceeded, things just got crazier. It was the craziest night I’d had in a long time. Everyone was having a blast. We always did. We had beer pong contests, shooters downing and a shit load more. Soon before long, everything was spinning. We were laughing and cheering and dancing off beat and drinking and drinking some more. I completely lost track of everything. I thought I remembered Bert and me going back to my place, but that was probably a random, rare spark of consciousness, because that’s all I could remember.

When I woke up, I heard a faint beeping sound. My head didn’t hurt as I expected it would, but I felt weak and completely paralyzed. I was also extremely nauseous. It felt like forever before I managed to finally open my eyes. I was in a dimly lit room, in a bed covered with white sheets. Then there was that incessant beeping noise. I looked to my left to find the source and saw a heart monitor. That’s when it dawned on me that I was in a hospital.

“You’re awake,” I heard Mikey say relieved.

I slowly turned my head to the right and saw him sitting in a chair next to the bed.

“I was worried sick,” he stated.

“What happened?” I asked confused.

“You and some guy came back to the apartment after three making an immense racket. You probably woke up half the city. You both passed out in the living room and I left you there, because it was late and you guys were obviously trashed. The next morning you just didn’t wake up. Your friend got up and left, but you didn’t move. I got worried and checked to see if you were even still alive and found that you had a really weak pulse. I panicked and called 911 and then I called Ray. You had blood poisoning due to too much alcohol in your system and they had to pump your stomach,” he explained.

That explained why I felt so weak.

“Ray told me everything,” he continued.

“Fuck,” I muttered, closing my eyes. I was too tired to be mad. Besides, Mikey was bound to find out eventually anyway.

“Why didn’t you tell me, Gerard? I could’ve helped you or something,” he said in a low voice.

“I thought you were better off not knowing,” I replied honestly. What a novelty.

“Do you know how worried I’ve been that you wouldn’t wake up again? I’ve considered calling Mom and Dad…”

“Mikey, no! They can’t know,” I insisted.

“I didn’t call them, simply because Ray explained the situation. I didn’t want to break their hearts, because that’s exactly what’s going to happen when they find out,” he said upset. My head was starting to hurt and my sickness seemed to be getting worse.

“You’re awake,” a guy in a white coat noted. “That’s very good,” he nodded. “How are you feeling?”

“Like shit. I’m weak and tired.”

“We had to pump your stomach. You had taken in an awfully large amount of alcohol. Your system couldn’t take it all,” he explained.

“But I’m okay now,” I stated. “I can go home now.”

I hated hospitals. They were full of sick people and it was never quiet. It was scary and then there were all the luminescent lights which hurt my eyes and my head. No wonder I felt queasy.

“Well, you have to stay here for a day or two just to be sure that you’re going to be okay. You lost a lot of body fluids, but that’ll be back to normal in a day or two.”

The doctor checked his clip board and then he pulled out an injection needle, filling it with some kind of substance before turning to inject the substance into the IV. I felt like a kid and pulled the covers tighter around me.

“You’ll be okay,” the doctor assured me. “Just get some sleep.”

As the doctor left, I heard Mikey sigh disappointedly.

“Why didn’t you just leave me to die, if I’m such a great disappointment to you?” I asked him bluntly.

“I don’t want you to die, Gerard!” he exclaimed upset. “Do you think that’s what I want?”

I didn’t respond.

“I want you to stay alive. That’s why I want you to quit this shit before it really kills you. You made it this time, but what about next time?”

“I still have another strike left,” I joked in an attempt to lighten the mood.

“That’s not funny,” he growled.

I winced, “Sorry… Mikes, I’m sorry, but I’m not going to change.”

“It’ll take time, but you can pull your life together. Ray and I are both here for you and we’ll help you,” he assured me.

“I knew you’d say that,” I stated. “I knew you would try and fix me, but, Mikey, I’m not broken!” I insisted. “I’m fine! I don’t want your help or Ray’s.”

He sighed again, it seemed to have become a bad habit. He got to his feet still looking at me with disappointment etched all over his face.

“Where are you going?” I asked confused.

“I have to get to work, because I’m wasting my time here.”

That stung.

“Oh,” he said, stopping at the door. “There was a girl here. She left the second she saw me though.”

He left without another word and the whole room seemed to close in on me. I shut my eyes, trying to block out the beeping and everything else. A girl… Could it have been Kat? What would she have been doing here? Soon after I had that thought, I drifted off into unconsciousness.

Chapter Text

It was already my second day in the hospital and I was going out of my mind. I swear the place was driving me crazy. I heard things, saw things. The room wouldn’t stop spinning and I knew for a fact that I was sober. I was dead sober. I was having withdrawal symptoms. I was sweating and my whole body was shaking. I knew I had to get out of there before I died.

Shit, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that Mikey and Ray were having me kept there in order to get me cleaned up. Then it dawned on me. Oh shit… That’s exactly what was going on. Motherfuckers. I wasn’t going to go down that easily.

I got out of bed and walked over to the small cupboard thing and put on my own clothes. Mikey had been nice enough to bring a clean set. Mikey. I couldn’t believe it and yet at the same time I did. It was so obvious I should have realized it a lot sooner. How could they do that to me?

I opened the door and looked outside before sneaking out. The hospital hallways were surprisingly quiet aside from a patient here or there and one or two nurses doing check-ups on the patients. My escape to the outside world was quick and easy to my surprise. I thought for sure somebody would stop me before I reached the door. Then again they probably thought that I was a visitor what with my normal clothes and all. The sudden exposure to sunlight blinded me momentarily and I was so dizzy I had to grab hold of a lamp post to keep myself on my feet. I was shaking really badly.

I hailed a cab to Bert’s place and frantically knocked on his door. I didn’t receive any answer and realized that he had to be at work. Of course, because that’s exactly where I was supposed to be, too, if my brother and friend hadn’t decided to have me detained against my will.

I went home and grabbed my wallet, heading out the door again to the nearest bar. I couldn’t believe what I was doing, but I hated the way I felt. I just wanted the torturous feeling to end and there was only one way to remedy the situation.

Not even an hour later, my phone started ringing. First it was Mikey and then Ray. They kept calling, but I just kept ignoring them until I finally decided to turn my phone off. As I swallowed alcoholic substance after alcoholic substance, I slowly but surely started to feel better. I haven’t eaten yet and got drunk really fast.

There was movement to my left and I saw Kat standing there looking at me curiously.

“Ah, I knew you would find me here!” I exclaimed, extremely happy to see her. I was too drunk already to care how loud I probably was right then.

“Gee, what’s up with you?” she nodded in greeting.

My head practically rolled onto my shoulder as I picked up the drink in front of me. “I’m having fun,” I said still way too loudly. “Can I get you a drink?

“Sure.” She shrugged, taking a seat on the barstool next to me. We had the best seats in the house. The bar tender came over and took her order before disappearing again.

I frowned, thinking of something. “Shouldn’t you still be at work?” I still had enough sense to look at my watch. It was barely ten minutes past five. Evidently I had gotten a very early start today. I had a lot of catching up to do.

“I should be, but I told Ray I had an emergency and left.”

I grinned, impressed by her cunning little lie. I suddenly panicked. “You didn’t tell him that you knew where to find me, did you?”

“Of course not,” she scoffed, clearly taken aback by the question. “I knew you wouldn’t want that. Besides, I didn’t think you’d need him getting on your case right now.”

“Thanks.”

“What’s going on, Gee?”

“What do you mean?”

She stared down at her drink seeming to think about what she was going to say or at least over how to put it. “Well, you signed yourself out of the hospital and then just disappeared.”

“I didn’t disappear…”

“You turned off your phone so no one could find you,” she cut me short. “I wasn’t lying to Ray when I told him it was an emergency,” she continued calmly. “When I heard you went missing I knew where to find you and I knew I needed to find you before you did something stupid.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked sharply, my voice rising.

“Come on, Gee. You’re not fooling me. Something is different with you. You’re not here simply getting drunk. You’re about to drink yourself back into the hospital again. Why?” Her sudden insight into my life took me completely by surprise. I wasn’t aware that I was that transparent. She was wrong about me wanting to drink myself back into the hospital again, although I probably was planning on trashing myself more than usual. As for my reasons…

“I’m angry.”

Her eyebrows shot up.

It came bubbling up inside of me. “You can’t fucking trust anyone anymore, least of all the people you think you can. My brother and Ray thought they would help me get sober by having the hospital keep me longer than necessary. Have you ever tried sobering up? I have and I hate the feeling. I’ve tried it before and it always feels like I’m dying. You have no control over your body. Everything starts shaking including your vision. It’s worse than the worst fucking hangover that you’ll ever have. It’s… I can’t even describe it.” I emptied my glass in a large gulp. “Unfortunately their little plan was unsuccessful. I’m not stupid. I don’t want to get clean.” The barman was keeping to our agreement and kept the drinks coming without the need for me to ask. I downed this one too. “I’m angry because no one gives a fucking shit anymore. I was in the hospital for three days and not one of my so-called friends bothered to come see me. It’s fucking pathetic.”

“That’s not completely fair. How were they supposed to know that you were in the hospital? I’m pretty sure your brother doesn’t know them and Ray would never let the bad influences come to you. The only reason I even knew about it was because I happened to be there when Ray got the phone call telling him that you had been hospitalized.”

“Didn’t they notice that I’ve been missing for days?”

“In all fairness, you’re spending a lot of your time with me lately. You’re constantly missing from their company for days.”

It wasn’t fair of her to break it down like that. I wanted to be angry.

“As for what Ray and your brother did, I mean, I’m not justifying their actions…”

“Good,” I murmured, staring down at my newest drink.

“But they only did what they did because they care. They want you to get better.”

“There is nothing wrong with me dammit!” I snapped. “I wish everyone would stop trying to fucking fix me! It’s getting exhausting. So please if you ever feel the urge to do the same there’s the door. I have no issue cutting you out of my life,” I breathed harshly. I was over it. I needed people in my life who would accept me the way I was. I willed myself to ignore the hurt expression that flashed across her face at my words. It was her turn to empty her glass.

Things just became awkward between us. We were both caught up in our own thoughts, although I was vaguely aware of her eyes on me, watching me, assessing me. It wasn’t as unnerving as I thought it would be. Maybe I didn’t care that this girl had some ability to see inside me whether I wanted her to or not. If tonight was an indication of anything, she knew me a lot better than I thought and it didn’t bother me at all. Normally it would. I didn’t exactly let people in. I always thought Kat and I were sort of like kindred spirits. I never could quite put my finger on it.

“Why, Gee?”

Her question came unexpectedly. She’s never been more serious in her life and the look she gave me was one of complete confusion.

“Why what?” I gulped, suddenly nervous.

“Why this lifestyle? I don’t get it,” she frowned deeply, shaking her head. My eyes caught her finger tapping the rim of her glass. Abruptly the noise of the bar increased, invading my ears. Where did all these people come from? Focus, Gerard. I forced myself to look back at her face. “You seem to have a great life,” she began to explain. “You have a job and you have your own place. Your parents and your brother love you to death and from what I’ve heard you have an exceptional bond with your grandmother. Hell, you even have Ray who cares about you. You’re loved by so many people and everything else seems to be fine. What went wrong?” She really truly didn’t understand.

I didn’t see that one coming at all. It got me thinking. I didn’t always even remember precisely where it all went wrong. It wasn’t going to be easy to answer, but I tried to formulate it as best I could. “High school sucked. High school sucks for everyone, but I guess it kind of started with me having the wrong friends and they got me drinking. Obviously I wasn’t an alcoholic back then, but I think that’s where it all started. The main issue of course is that depression doesn’t ask for permission to come in and take over your life. So by that point I was already pretty fucked up and with everything on top of each other it was a recipe for disaster. Things were bound to end up here. I guess I could have made better choices in life, but I didn’t so… Besides, you’re one to talk. You apparently have this really super husband and yet you’re out with me night after night drowning these unknown sorrows.”

“My circumstances are completely different from yours,” she responded icily and I winced. I was a little out of line. “You said it yourself, you don’t know my sorrows so it’s better if you just leave them for me to deal with, okay?”

I swallowed and nodded. Way out of line. I watched the people around us drinking aimlessly, the ones who went out night after night for the fun of it. Some of them were clearly fresh out of school, probably boasting some bad fake IDs. They didn’t know the half of what they were doing, of what they were going to have to sacrifice going down this long, dark and curvy road of alcohol dependency. Ask me. I knew all about it. I turned back to my drink with a deep sigh.

“I was worried about you, you know?” Kat’s voice startled me and my head snapped up in her direction. “You kind of scared me. I assumed that you were out with your friends when you didn’t show up that night. The next morning Ray received a phone call and totally freaked out, storming out without any explanation. He returned only much later that afternoon and surprisingly told me what happened. I went by the hospital to see you, but you were still unconscious,” she informed me.

“Mikey told me you were there. Well, not exactly you, since he didn’t know it was you, but he mentioned a girl coming by. I assumed it was you.”

“I kind of left as soon as I knew that you were alright. I didn’t talk to him.”

I nodded. “Things got out of hand that night,” I admitted.

“At least you’re okay,” she said quietly, looking down at her hands linked together on her lap. “Oh, and today Ray received another phone call,” she started.

I sighed, because I knew it was about me leaving the hospital.

“He flipped! He swore loudly, especially at you. He cursed at how you were a stupid, selfish idiot and how you really had a death wish. He uttered a whole bunch of other things too,” she finished half smiling.

“Ray is like a brother to me. He’s just looking out for me. I’ll admit he’s a major pain in the butt when he starts lecturing me about the way I live: you know my addictions? I don’t get angry about it though, because, even though it annoys the shit out of me, I know it’s only because he cares. The guys I hang out with and get drunk with, they’re good friends, but like I said, Ray is like a brother; the responsible one, I might add. As for my escape act from the hospital, I had to leave that place! I was going crazy.”

“I understand. I don’t blame or judge you at all. How is your brother taking everything?” She looked up at me genuinely curious.

“I’m not sure,” I said frowning. “I haven’t seen him all day. And thanks, for caring.” Maybe we were friends after all despite all our efforts to remain detached.

 “Try not to kill yourself. What would I do without my buddy?” she joked, but I could sense a serious undercurrent to her words.

I allowed myself to laugh for the first time in days. The sound that escaped was hoarse and it scratched at the insides of my throat, but it was a good feeling. It was a rare occurrence lately. I had hit rock bottom and the realization left a bitter taste in my mouth.

“Can we have a couple of doubles of Jack please,” I called to the barman ready to kill my consciousness.

*

“Gee, come on, where are your keys?”

I was drunk as fuck and couldn’t even remember how the hell we got from the bar to my apartment, at least I thought it was my apartment. I guess Kat didn’t go all out tonight, because she was still in a well enough condition to support me and even dragged my ass up the stairs to my front door.

“Gee,” she sighed, pushing me up against the wall and holding me there with one hand while the other searched my pockets for my keys. When she finally found them she hurriedly unlocked the door, the few seconds necessary for her to leave me and do that enough for me to slide down onto the floor.

“I honestly don’t have the strength in me to get you back up.”

“It’s fine,” I murmured slowly, having to concentrate extremely hard on pronouncing each word somewhat understandably. “I can take care of myself from here.”

“Are you sure?” she looked down at me skeptically. “I don’t mind helping you inside. I’m just going to need a little cooperation from you.”

“Kat, I’m fine,” I assured her. “Trust me. I’ve done this a million times.”

She bent down in front of me, giving me my keys.

“Take care of yourself, Gee. I won’t lose you too,” she whispered quietly before straightening back up and heading down the hallway.

“Kat!” I called out feebly. She stopped and turned around expectantly. “Thanks for taking care of me.”

“You’re welcome,” she said with a faint smile before disappearing around the corner.

I was overwhelmed by the instant silence which followed. With nothing to take my mind off the sickness anymore, I ran to the bathroom, puking everything out. The worst part was always the dry heaves that wracked my body following a good vomit session.

“Where the fuck have you been?” Mikey demanded, appearing in the doorway and angrily crossing his arms over his chest, not giving a damn about my current state, as he waited for an answer.

“Out,” I mumbled.

“We’ve been worried sick! You just disappeared from the hospital. No one knew where you went or what you were doing! Ray even called your friend from the other night, but he of course had no idea either.”

“Yeah, and I guess you just assumed that I was going to harm myself,” I said scathingly.

“Look at yourself, Gerard! Do you enjoy this: getting wasted night after night and feeling like shit the next morning? You don’t even remember half of your life!”

“I don’t care,” I slurred.

“I fucking do!” he shouted. “You’re so damn selfish! You’re screwing up your entire life and I can’t just stand by and watch you do it.”

“You sound like Ray.”

He sighed in aggravation. “You need to get a grip on yourself!”

I grabbed my throat with my right hand and started giggling.

“That’s childish,” he said scornfully.

“Mikey, go to bed,” I slurred. “It’s late and I’m really not in the mood. Besides… these little annoying speeches are getting old.”

“I’m sorry to hear that that’s the way you feel,” he said in a low voice, leaving.

“I’m not!” I called after him, followed by a hiccup.

*

The next morning I woke up on the bathroom floor, feeling like crap. My head was throbbing, my body ached and I felt sick. I picked myself up off the floor and dragged my body to the kitchen, making myself a cup of coffee. Mikey had called my work and explained the situation, so I still had a day or two more off from work. The house was silent and I assumed that Mikey had already left for work. I didn’t even remember coming home the night before.

The kitchen clock read twenty to twelve, not that this held any significance for me. I put on my pajamas, dragging my body back into the living room area and crashing on the couch in front of the television. Right then it was the only thing I had the strength to do.

Much later that afternoon I heard the door open, but not close. My head popped up from behind the couch to see who it was. For all I knew I was about to be murdered without even realizing it. It was only Mikey and he slammed the door shut as soon as he noticed me. He avoided eye contact and made a beeline for his room. I scrambled to my feet and followed him.

“What are you doing?” I asked when I saw that he was packing his things.

“Packing.”

“Why?” I continued confused.

He stopped what he was doing just long enough to glare at me. “Because, Gerard, unlike you, I listen when you talk to me,” he said harshly. “I get it, I’m annoying.”

“Wha… Mikey.”

“I’m going to bunk with Ray for a while until I get my own place,” he informed me, zipping his bag shut.

“That’s really not necessary…” I started, but he cut me off. “I give up, Gerard. I want to help you, I do, but it’s useless if you don’t want to be helped. I don’t want to leave you alone, in case something bad happens again, but I can’t stand by and watch you throw away your life.”

“So you’d rather watch from a distance?” I asked angrily. “Or are you going to have me committed to a hospital again?”

“You needed help…”

“So you decided to keep me in the hospital??” I nearly shouted.

“If that was the only way, then yes! You would never get help yourself!”

I’ve told both Mikey and Ray a thousand times that I was fine and that I didn’t need help, but they just wouldn’t listen.

“And don’t give me that bullshit that you don’t need help,” he continued before I could respond. “I’ll see you around.”

I followed him to the front door. I didn’t want him to leave, but right now I couldn’t bring myself to ask him to stay.

“Tell Ray I said hi,” I said nonchalantly, like we didn’t just have a major argument.
He nodded and walked down the hallway. I loved having my brother around, but it was great to have the place to myself again; to do whatever I wanted to; to come and go as I pleased. I just hoped that Mikey didn’t hate me.

Chapter Text

“I see you’re back on your feet again,” Ray noticed when I entered Starbucks a few days after the fallout with my brother.

“Yeah, I had to get back to work sooner or later. Unfortunately it was sooner rather than later,” I attempted to joke, knowing that the atmosphere between the two of us would be tense after what happened with me being taken up in the hospital and then “escaping” from it.

“It’s not exactly fair that you got to stay home while the rest of us had to work,” he chuckled and I allowed myself to relax. Maybe he wasn’t mad at me anymore.

“That’s why I decided to go back to work. Besides, the apartment will drive me crazy. It’s quiet since Mikey left and it’s so glum anyways.” It was strange how used I had become to Mikey being around. The place was really empty without him.

“Did you hear that Mikey got his own place? He found one yesterday and he’ll be moving in tonight,” he informed me conversationally.

“That was fast. He only moved out of my place three days ago,” I noted somewhat startled.

“I think he’s been searching for a little place of his own all along. He was just lucky to find it now.”

“He didn’t have to move out,” I pointed out still feeling guilty about how things ended between me and my brother. I hadn’t spoken to him since he moved out, but maybe it was time to make an effort. Since I was the cause of the conflict, I should probably also be the one to fix things.

“Yes, he did,” Ray disagreed, cleaning one of the coffee machines. “If he stayed with you any longer, the two of you would’ve ended up hating each other. I’m sure you realize that too. If you guys kept fighting it would’ve been inevitable,” he explained and I had to agree.

I found it strange that he hadn’t lectured me on everything that happened a few days ago yet. Both he and Mikey gave me a fair share of lecturing while I was in the hospital, but since then, Ray hasn’t said a word. I was actually grateful for that. It was scary to think that he might know me better than I thought he did.

“Hey, Gerard,” Kat smiled, coming from the back.

“Hey,” I said, returning the smile. “How are you?”

“I’m good thanks and how are you today? Hopefully your first day back at work wasn’t too bad.”

“I can’t complain.”

We’d been out again the night before and the night before that too. Old habits sure died hard.

“I’m on my way. I’ll see you tomorrow,” she informed Ray.

“Sure,” he nodded.

“Will I be seeing you tonight?”

“I’m going to help my brother move into his new apartment tonight,” I started, noticing Ray look at me in surprise. “But I’ll catch up with you afterwards.”

“That’s cool.”

She grabbed her things and left. I gave a small wave in goodbye and turned back to my scalding hot coffee.

“Gerard, what are you doing?” Ray asked as soon as she’d left.

“What do you mean what am I doing?”

Normally I had an idea of what I was being lectured about, but at the moment I drew a blank. I haven’t done anything in the last couple of days to upset Ray other than the usual. However, the tone in his voice made me realize that he was serious and that this was probably something new, that it didn’t have anything to do with my addictions.

“She’s married,” he stated and then it clicked. He was referring to my friendship with Kat.

“Yeah, so?” I said, not understanding what he was trying to get at.

“So what are you doing?” he repeated.

“Ray, I don’t understand what you’re asking me. If you’re worried that there’s something going on between me and Kat, you can relax. We’re just hanging out. I enjoy her company. That’s all.”

That was the honest truth. There was nothing more between me and the blue-eyed girl than friendship. She was married and I was in a too fucked-up stage of my life to even consider any type of relationship with anyone other than the ones I already had.

“No, that’s not all,” he insisted. “This is a recipe for disaster. Do you want to know why? Because you’re both young and stupid.”

I opened my mouth to utter a retort, but he simply continued, “I don’t mean that in a bad way. It’s just, she’s a very attractive girl and I know you know that.”

“I’m not going to fall in love with her,” I told him before he could even make the prediction.

“How can you be so sure? Something drew you towards her in the beginning.”

“She’s married,” I threw his own words back at him. “Do you really think I’m stupid enough to fall in love with a married woman?”

“I do,” he affirmed bluntly.

I shook my head in disbelief.

“And another thing. You two always go out and get drunk – what if something happens that you’ll regret when you’re in that condition?”

I had to laugh at this, “We’ve done it tens of times now and nothing’s happened yet. I’ve never had a drunken one night stand. Don’t worry about that.”

“I still think you should stop seeing her,” he insisted.

I got up. “You worry too much.”

“I have reason to,” he assured me.

“Don’t,” I told him. “Nothing will happen.”

“That’s what you always say and look how that’s turned out,” he grumbled.

“I’m alive. Just focus on that.”

“I just can’t help worrying with you,” he muttered under his breath.

I didn’t think I was supposed to hear that though. I shrugged it off and grabbed my coffee off the counter.

“Are we going to help Mikey move or what?”

*

Ray unlocked the front door to his apartment and entered with me short on his heels. His place was nicer than mine, but that was probably due to the fact that he actually lived there and had to keep the place clean and livable.

“Hey, Ray. Thanks a lot for letting me crash here and also for helping me move my things… Gerard?” Mikey froze as he entered the kitchen with a garbage bag in hand and saw me. “What are you doing here?”

“Ray told me you were moving. I came to help.” It felt awkward talking to my brother knowing that nothing had changed. We still had a million issues that needed attention.

“Why? You didn’t bother when I moved out of your place,” he said dismissively, putting the bag on the table and looking at me expectantly. I noticed that the bag contained some of his belongings.

“Mikey, I’m sorry,” I said with all the sincerity I could. “There were a million other, better, ways I could’ve handled that situation. I chose the wrong one. I was an asshole.”

“Yes, you were an asshole and you still are, because you’re standing here apologizing, but I’m betting that you still don’t intend on turning your life around. You still expect me to just accept things as they are.” He was slowly but surely getting himself worked up over this.

“Mikey, stop.” I thought for sure it was my own voice telling him to stop talking, because I always stopped anyone from preaching to me, but for once it wasn’t me. It was Ray who surprised both me and Mikey. “I get that you’re mad at Gerard and trust me, you’ll be mad at him a lot more. I’m always mad at him.” I nodded absentmindedly, because this was in fact true. If it wasn’t over my addictions it was about Kat. He always had some or other reason to pissed at me. “He’s apologizing though and that really doesn’t happen very often. You both hate fighting with one another so kiss and make up, at least for now. We’ll finish moving and get some take out. It’s been a while since the three of us hung out. What do you say, Mikes?”

My gaze shifted from Ray to Mikey who seemed undecided.

“This isn’t the end of it,” he stated after a while.

“I know,” Ray and I said simultaneously.

“I don’t want you thinking that I’m simply going to let this go.”

“Talking doesn’t help, trust me,” Ray piped in. “I try it all the time.”

I wanted to remind them that this wasn’t an intervention, but I bit my tongue not wanting to make things worse. Ray was actually sticking up for me in a way. I appreciated that.

“Pizza?” Mikey looked at Ray then at me with a small smile on his face.

Moving Mikey’s stuff was quick since three of us were helping. Plus, he didn’t have much and he was barely moving one block away from Ray’s place. It was a nice little apartment which was in a much better shape than mine, but that was probably my own fault. Once we were done, we all found a place to sit – there were two bar stools left by the previous owner – and the last person made himself comfortable on the kitchen counter. Mikey would go buy furniture over the weekend. Ray had ordered two large pizzas and we were stuffing our faces with those and drinking beer. It was fun.

“So, Gee have you started looking for a new job yet?” Mikey wanted to know before taking a large bite of his pizza.

“What?” My mouth was already full of food and my feet dangling down the kitchen counter.

“The other night you mentioned something about wanting to quit.”

“I was probably drunk when I said that. I won’t quit my job. I love art. Besides, I need the money.”

“I’d like to quit my job,” Ray stated, making us look at him.

“Why?”

“Because…” he started. “It’s a dead end job. The people I work with suck and I get paid peanuts. I don’t want to work there forever anyway.”

I didn’t think that everyone he worked with sucked, Kat coming to mind, but that was my opinion.

“And I know I’m going to blow your minds when I say this, but I suddenly hate coffee.”

Mikey practically spat his beer out at this. “How the hell is that possible?”

“Don’t you meet nice new people every day? Won’t you miss that?” I asked, ignoring Mikey’s wide eyes.

“We live in New York. Please tell me where you’ve met nice people, because I would really like to go there.”

“You know me and Gerard. We’re pretty cool people,” Mikey offered with a grin.

“Yeah, you guys are great. I’m sure I’ll find something else soon enough.” He reached forward and grabbed another slice of pizza. “Cheers,” he said, lifting his beer in the air and taking a swig.

*

I met Kat at the bar around ten that night. She wore a pair of faded grey jeans and a purple halter top. Her short hair seemed to be extra spiky tonight and the thick layer of eyeliner made her eyes pop. I remembered what Ray had said that afternoon. “She’s a very attractive girl and I know you know that.” Damn him for putting that thought in my mind. She really was gorgeous, but as Ray had said, I had known that all along. I only really noticed it now, though.

“You okay?” she asked with a small smile that seemed to brighten up the room. Damn Ray.

“I’m fine.”

“You spaced out for a second there.”

“Sorry,” I apologized. “You were saying?”

“I said that I’ve had too many drinks in my life – I admit I’m an alcoholic… Don’t laugh at me!” she grinned. “I’m finally being honest here.”

“You’re only confirming what I already know,” I pointed out.

“You didn’t let me finish my sentence,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest in fake resentment.

I laughed, “Okay, I’m sorry. Please continue.”

“Even though I’ve drank about every available type of alcohol, I’ve never had absinthe.”

“In that case we need to educate you.” I turned to the barman and order our drinks. “How come you’ve never had any before?”

“I’m too chicken,” she admitted. “I’ve heard that stuff is really bad.”

A devious smile spread across my face. “One drink won’t hurt.”

Two black glasses containing the pale green alcohol was placed before us and lit up.

“Ready?” she asked nervously.

I counted. “One, two, three.”

On three, we each blew out the flames and downed our glasses, the liquid burning its way down my throat. It wasn’t the same as other alcohols. It was a different kind of burn, but in a good way. Kat started coughing.

“Can’t take it?” I asked hoarsely, forcing a brave smile onto my face.

“That shit’s strong,” she croaked out.

I nodded in agreement, “But it was good.”

 “Yeah. Though I think one drink contains enough alcohol for one night.”

I would’ve laughed, but no sound came out, except a slight cough.

“That was insane, you know that?” I told her lighting a cigarette. “I can’t believe you’ve never had absinthe before.”

“Didn’t it only become legal again like recently?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. Being illegal doesn’t stop drugs from getting around so why would it be different with alcohol?”

She asked for a cigarette and I passed her my lit one, lighting another one.

“I guess you have a point. I swear I’m already dizzy,” she noted, grabbing onto the counter top to steady herself.

“You should learn how to handle your alcohol,” I teased, taking a large gulp of beer to get the taste out of my mouth.

“I can handle mine as well as you can yours,” she shot back in defiance.

“Would you like some more?” I asked in a teasing voice.

“No thanks,” she said quickly causing me to laugh. “I thought so.”

“I’ve been here a lot longer than you. I’ve had a lot more to drink than you have.”

“Maybe you should go home,” I suggested.

“Yeah right. It’s only ten thirty,” she said, suddenly seeming more coherent.

“Please don’t weird out on me.”

“I’m like that every night.”

“Normally I’m with you, but I’m still somewhat sober at the moment.”

She giggled again, “Alright, Gee.” Kat rested her forehead against my shoulder. “I’m really dizzy.”

“That’s why I think you should go home,” I told her once again. It wasn’t everyday that I saw her in this condition. Okay, maybe I did, but when I was drunk too, it didn’t matter. I didn’t notice. Now I did and I didn’t like it. I was actually worried about her.

She looked back up at me. “I’m okay.”

“You sound like me,” I realized.

I was always fine too. Ray and Mikey never believed me just like I didn’t believe her right now. That was a terrible realization. I couldn’t blame them at all, especially not now that I was in their position. This was how they felt every time they witnessed the mess I was and I always laughed it off. I should appreciate their efforts to help me more.

“Kat?” I said quietly.

“How about another drink?” she said enthusiastically.

“Are you okay?” I checked almost worriedly.

“I’m fine,” she smiled, ordering herself another drink.

She seemed absolutely fine for a long while after that, at least until I was also starting to giggle and my own head started spinning.

Chapter Text

I walked into Starbucks bright and early on Saturday morning to get coffee for me and the boys before we took a little road trip to New Jersey.

“Good morning,” I greeted Kat cheerily. “Three coffees please.”

“You should slow down on the caffeine or it will kill you before the alcohol does,” she joked over her shoulder while she filled three cups with coffee.

I chuckled, “They’re not all for me. The other two are for Ray and Mikey. We’re heading down to Jersey for this new outdoor music festival going on where some of Ray’s friends will be playing. We’re going to give them a listen and see who else is good.” I leaned forward on the counter with a happy smile.

“That sounds like fun.” Kat turned back with my order at the ready.

“You know, you should join us. I’m sure the guys won’t mind and then you will get to meet my brother.”

“Wouldn’t I need like a ticket to get in or something?”

“Ray got a handful of tickets. My friend Shawn was supposed to join us, but he had to bail because of work, so.” I pulled out an extra ticket and waived it in front of her. “It’s yours if you want it.”

“I don’t know…”

“It’ll be fun. You’ll either hear really good or really bad music all day long and you’ll get to meet some cool people. You’ll finish your shift and drive down to meet us there.”

“Wouldn’t it be weird with Ray and your brother?” she asked worriedly.

“Nah, they’re cool. Maybe you and Ray will find some common ground if you’re in a different environment from work?” I suggested. “If not, you’ll still have me,” I finished with a hopeful smile.

She looked skeptical, but accepted the ticket. “I’m only doing this because you’re going to make it worth my while.”

“Promise! All the info is on the ticket. Here.” I pulled a napkin closer and wrote my phone number down. “Call me when you get there and I’ll come find you. Then I’ll see you later,” I winked at her, grabbing the coffees off the counter and heading back out the door to where Ray and Mikey were waiting in the car. “This is going to be great.”

“I hope so,” Ray agreed, turning the key in the ignition and setting off towards our destination.

The weather was quite nice for a change, making us look forward to the whole event even more, knowing that we won’t be freezing our asses off. We reached our destination later than we expected due to the traffic. The festival grounds were already bustling with bodies and we stood in line for about half an hour before getting in. It looked like hundreds of stalls were set up all over and we set about getting some band merch and even talking to some of the new bands. They were cool and all really excited to be playing at the festival. As the day progressed I looked forward more and more to this whole outing. Our first show was Underoath and it absolutely rocked. The one that followed wasn’t quite that great. We were walking around in search for something to eat when my phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Gee, it’s Kat. I’m here! Where are you?”

“Great!” I exclaimed. “It would be easier for me to find you than the other way around.”

“Probably. I just entered the grounds. I’m about three stalls in.”

“Okay, wait right there,” I told her, mouthing to the guys that I’ll find come find them again and pointing in the direction that I was going. The festival grounds weren’t the biggest and it was quick to find Kat. I sneaked up behind her and poked her in the sides, making her jump.

“There you are! Hi!” She smiled, turning around to face me.

“You’re early,” I noted. “I only expected you to show up a lot later.”

“I didn’t have anywhere else to be after work so I came straight here.”

“The guys are this way.” I indicated the way with my head, starting to walk in the direction with Kat by my side. “To be honest, I didn’t think you were going to come.”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know. It’s just… you didn’t seem too keen on the idea. Besides, maybe your husband wouldn’t like it or something.”

“It’s just a couple of shows. I’ll be back later. Why wouldn’t he be okay with it?”

I felt stupid for bringing it up. Of course he wouldn’t have an issue with her spending some time with friends. That last word suddenly seemed to have a lot more meaning to it than it used to. I was relieved to see my brother and Ray ahead of us.

“Hey guys!” The pair stopped in their tracks and turned around.

“Where did you disappear to?” Mikey wanted to know as I approached them.

“Hey, Mikes I’d like you to meet Kat. This is my brother Mikey.”

Mikey looked surprised by the unexpected introduction. I forgot to tell them that I had invited her too. He also seemed surprised by her, not that I was exactly sure why.

“It’s actually Katherine. Gee just insists on calling me that.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Mikey said, remembering his manners.

“You invited her?” Ray asked me and I nodded. “That’s cool. I hope you’re ready to have some fun,” he said to Kat and I was grateful that he was at least making an attempt to get along with her. I still couldn’t get why he didn’t like her. I guess it was just one of those things.

“That’s what I came here to do.”

“We were looking for something to eat,” Mikey informed her. “Are you hungry?”

“Sure.”

The rest of the day was fun. I had a blast at least. It was a change from the usual which was very welcome. We got an overdose of sweaty bodies and stale beer along with some great shows and others not so great. The temperatures dropped as the sun went down. Bands were still playing, but we were starving and a place to sit down and stuff our faces. Afterwards we did some more exploring of the grounds. Sometime during this trip, Kat and I got separated from the guys and found ourselves sauntering around what seemed to be the tent area of some of the bands.

“I’m glad I decided to come after all. Today was fun,” Kat said as her arms swayed back and forth at her sides while we waited inside one of the tents for someone to bring us more beer.

“So you were planning on ditching me!” I said, pointing an accusatory finger at her.

“No!” She looked down embarrassed. “It wasn’t about ditching you. I simply wasn’t comfortable with the idea of spending the day with you and your brother and Ray.”

“Why not?”

“I hardly know them and you know how Ray feels about me.”

“Why is that?”

“Ray not liking me? I think it has something to do with you. Ray has never been my biggest fan, but ever since I started spending time with you, it’s been different.”

“I should definitely talk to him. It’s ridiculous that he’s mean to you simply because he doesn’t like us being friends.”

“No, Gee let it go. It doesn’t bother me. It never has. I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. Why would Ray be any different? Besides, I don’t want you two fighting over me.”

“Too late,” I muttered under my breath.

“There you guys go.” One of our newly made friends handed us each a plastic cup of beer. “This is much better than the shit they’ve been selling all day. We brought our own stuff.”

“Thank heavens,” Kat murmured, taking a swig. “This is much better. This is what real beer should taste like.” I watched her make a slight face at the bitter taste before she took a drag from her cigarette.

“So are you both from New Jersey?” Keith asked.

“I grew up in Jersey, but we’re here from New York City,” I explained.

“Oh, you’re a walking cliché. You’re one of those Jersey kids who thought going to the Big Apple would make you some hot shot. People like you normally get spat back out. I’m not saying the same will happen to you. You at least seem like you have your head screwed on right. You know the difference between this and that. The possibility is still there though. How about you, Cutie?” His attention turned to Kat and I glowered at the way he talked to her.

“I’m also from the city,” Kat responded, clearly feeling uncomfortable at how close he was standing to her.

“Is that all I’m going to get from you?” She didn’t say anything and he laughed. “Okay, are you guys like together or something, because it doesn’t look like it.”

We shook our heads in unison. “No, we’re just friends.”

“Then you’re free to hang around with me,” he grinned, putting an arm around her shoulders.

“I’m married,” she said coldly, pulling away from him. “Gee, can we go?”

“Yes,” I happily agreed. This guy was seriously getting on my nerves. He should’ve kept his creepy stares and his hands to himself. “I’m sorry about that. I didn’t know that guy was such a creep.” I apologized.

“You couldn’t have. I also thought he was nice at first. It goes to show that you shouldn’t trust people before you get to know them.”

“Is that why it took so long for you to take a liking to me?”

“Who says I like you?” she countered with a smile.

“How else do you explain spending so much time with me?” The sun had gone down by now and the number of people roaming about has decreased.

She chuckled, but didn’t answer me.

“While we’re talking, I have a question for you. I think we’re at a better place now for me to ask it than before. Why are you married?” I honestly wanted to know why, because the whole thing bothered me. Ever since Ray mentioned me having feelings for Kat, I’ve been unable to stop thinking about her. He pointed out that she was attractive even though that was the understatement of the century. She was gorgeous. She was the most beautiful person in the world and she was married.

“That’s a bit of an odd question, don’t you think?”

“You’re only twenty years old. I can’t figure out why you would get married at such a young age unless it was a spur of the moment thing like a Vegas wedding.”

Kat laughed as she stepped over a tent pen. “Interesting theory, but no, we didn’t have a Vegas wedding. That’s really not my style. Dana and I got married because we loved each other. We knew we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and we didn’t see the point in waiting.” He was the love of her life. There went any chance I ever had.

“But why? What’s so great about him?” I pressed the matter lifting a line of tape for her to go under it before I followed.

“He’s a great guy,” she shrugged, smiling. I would sell my soul for one of those smiles. “We attended the same boarding school. He was my senior by two years. He was one of my friends’ cousin. He started sneaking me letters between classes and then it was a matter of spending time together. We began studying together, different subjects of course, but it was a nice little motivation to put in some effort when you weren’t alone. Eventually we started dating. After his graduation, Dana went to Columbia to do his MBA which was kind of perfect, because that way we were both still in the city. By the end of my senior year, we were madly in love. When he asked me to marry him I didn’t even have to think about it before saying yes.” Her blue eyes sparkled as she talked about him. I could tell that she loved him very much. “We got married shortly after I graduated.”

“Now you barely see each other,” I couldn’t help pointing out, causing her to frown. “Well, you’re at work all day and after that you go out and get wasted with me. Do you even ever see each other at all?” I wondered.

“We see each other when he comes home from work early.” We reached the side of one of the ongoing shows. There were still hundreds of people watching the band performing and from where we stood, we could barely see the band.

“I know I’ve never been married or anything, but I don’t think that that’s how a marriage should work. Marriage shouldn’t survive off left over time,” I gave my opinion.

“Maybe not, but what else is there to do? He’s busy. He works at his dad’s company and at the end of the day he has to attend evening classes in order to complete his degree. Things don’t just happen. You have to work hard to achieve your goals in life. That’s what he’s doing and I support him one hundred percent. It’s not like it’s forever.”

We stepped away from the noise and continued in a different direction.

“Maybe we don’t spend a lot of quality time together, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t love each other anymore. Dana is a good husband and he takes good care of me.”

I frowned deeply to myself. How well was he really taking care of her if he let her go out every night to get drunk?

“Technically speaking you’re not even really married anymore.”

“I don’t mind. There’s really no reason for us to get a divorce. We’re both content with our current relationship,” she explained.

I sighed. “That’s good. I don’t understand it, but it’s good that you’re okay with it. I just want you to be happy. If you ever decide that you’ve had enough and you need a place to stay, just knock on my door.”

“Thanks,” she replied smiling. “I know I can always count on you.”

“You can,” I said. “Some more bad beer?” I offered, approaching one of the tents and pulling out my wallet.

“Sure, why not?” she smiled, coming to stand beside me. We waited for our drinks and then stepped away from the tent.

“What happened to Ray and your brother? Don’t you think we should go find them?” Kat asked.

“You’re a lot more relaxed when they’re not around. I like that better.”

“Don’t you think they’ll worry? Besides, what if they want to leave?”

“Fine,” I sighed over-dramatically. “You’re such a spoil sport. We could’ve had more fun. Instead we’re going to have to explain to them why we’ve had too much to drink and they’ll probably assume that that was the reason we disappeared, to go drinking.”

“You’re going to have to do all that no matter when we see them again,” she told me. The lights from one of the stages played across her face and it was stunning. I wanted to rip Ray’s fucking head off. This was entirely his fault. He made me aware of Kat as a person and not just as the girl I was spending time with. Shit… I guess I couldn’t blame Ray. It was my own fault. He was right, I should’ve seen this coming. I was drawn to her from the beginning. It was the only way to explain why I was so desperate for her acceptance, why I always went out of my way to get her to not be mad at me. We were both messed up in our own ways. We were perfect for each other.

At this point I was falling for her. I was falling hard and fast. I just had to keep in mind that she was married. Oh, how I hated that fact! Why in the hell was she married?? Oh, right, her husband was smart enough to realize how perfect she was and made sure to make her his own. Lucky bastard. Why did she have to be married?

“Why did you come?” I wondered.

“What?”

“You didn’t have to come here. Why did you?” I knew I had alcohol in my system, because I was thinking things and asking questions that I never would’ve had I any degree of sobriety left in me.

“I thought we just talked about it,” she replied shortly and I knew that I had crossed some invisible boundary.

“I’m only curious.”

“I just told you that Dana will be at his evening classes. You were going to be here. What else was I supposed to do, spend the night alone in some dirty bar?” she asked, crossing her arms over her chest in an almost defensive manner.

“Of course not.” I wanted to inquire further as to why she didn’t spend time with friends or anyone else, but then I remembered a conversation from some time ago that implied that she didn’t have any of those. As far as I could tell she wasn’t close to her family or at least, if she was, they didn’t live in New York. That meant that the only people in her life were me and her husband, who never seemed to be around.

“If you didn’t want me here, you shouldn’t have invited me.”

I was taken aback by her words.

“No, that’s not at all it! Kat, I wanted you here, more than anything.”

“Then what’s with the inquisition?” she wanted to know.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I’m only trying to understand.”

“What’s not to understand?” I couldn’t pinpoint whether she was upset, mad or annoyed. “We’ve been having a good time all day and now that you have a little too much alcohol in your system you’re suddenly brave enough to ask questions that you well know not to?”

“I know. You’re right. I’m sorry. I’ll stop.”

We walked a few feet in silence and I cursed myself for being the idiot I was.

“I don’t understand you,” Kat started again. “You never cared about any of this before. Why do you want so much insight into my life all of a sudden?”

How was I supposed to answer that? Should I tell her that I didn’t see her as only my drinking buddy anymore? That was definitely not going to go down smoothly.

“I want to get to know you better. Is that such a sin?” I’ve always had a way of turning a situation in my favor. This time wasn’t any different.

She looked down. “No, it’s not. It’s so out of the blue, though.”

“Then I’ll say it’s about time.”

“Okay.” She smiled faintly.

“Let’s go find the others,” I suggested also offering her a smile in return, hoping to salvage the rest of the day after I probably ruined it with my annoying questions.

We didn’t immediately go looking for the rest of our group. Instead we stopped by several tents and stalls, getting a lot to drink and even smoke. A lot later, the festival goers were starting to leave and the stages were about to be broken down since the last bands finished playing. Stalls were being packed up and bands were loading their gear back into their vans, ready to hit the road to the next show.

“There you guys are!” Ray’s voice called from behind and we spun around to see him and Mikey hurrying in our direction. “We’ve been looking all over for you.”

“Aw, Ray did you miss us?” Kat asked sweetly and I giggled. He would never miss her.

“Have you guys been drinking again?” he asked sternly.

We looked at each other and burst out laughing.

“Can we go?” Mikey asked with a deep sigh.

“Hey, Kat’s coming with us,” I told them.

“Why? Where’s her car?”

“I came with the bus and I don’t have any money for a ticket back,” she admitted sheepishly.

“You wasted it all on alcohol,” Ray muttered under his breath.

“Let’s just go,” Mikey insisted, walking ahead without us.

“They’re mad,” I whispered loudly to Kat who giggled in response.

We obediently followed our annoyed companions, giggling as we went. We finally reached Ray’s car and Kat and I got in the backseat. Kat began to poke at my sides. I was extremely ticklish and cried out in laughter not caring that we were probably bothering the guys in the front of the car.

“Stop, I’m going to wet myself!”

“Ew!” Kat immediately stopped, but sat back still laughing at me.

“I’m so tired,” I murmured, turning and resting my head on her shoulder.

“Then go to sleep.”

“I think I will,” I sighed, closing my eyes.

*

I woke up at the sound of Ray and Mikey’s voices. They were trying to get Kat to wake up in order for her to give Ray directions to her house. Her head was resting on mine and she was fast asleep. I gently shook her shoulder.

“Kat,” I said groggily.

“Hm?” The girl sleepily lifted her head and looked around confused.

“I need directions to your house,” Ray spoke from the front of the car.

“Oh, uhm,” she swallowed and rubbed at her eyes. “Turn right up ahead…”

I spaced out and stared out the window at the streets of New York. It was a lot quieter than it was during the day. It was almost peaceful aside from the people still sauntering around along the sidewalks. We entered a residential area and finally stopped in front of an average sized house. There was nothing flashy about it, but I could tell that they were doing well.

“Thanks for the ride. Bye. I’ll talk to you later, Gee.” She stumbled out of the car and up the sidewalk.

Ray waited until she was inside before driving off. The sound of the wheels on the road was almost overwhelming and I wondered why the radio was off. The silence was broken by Ray’s voice.

“You have to end this.”

“What?” I asked confused. I just woke up and I was slightly hung-over.

“She’s fucking married!” he hissed.

“I know that!” The fog of drowsiness that clouded my mind cleared almost instantly.

“Do you? And do you know what that means? You can never be with her. Nothing can happen between you two.”

“Good, because nothing is going to happen,” I retorted. “We’re just friends.”

“Are you? Can you honestly tell me that you and Katherine are just friends?”

I opened my mouth to respond, but he simply continued. “Because you’re not.”

“He’s right, Gee. I see the way you look at her,” Mikey agreed.

“The sad part is you don’t even see it!” Ray exclaimed. “You are so oblivious to your own damn feelings. She’s not good for you.”

“Gee, maybe you should consider letting her go.”

“No!”

“Why not?” they demanded simultaneously.

“Because,” I hesitated. “I’m all she has.”

“She’s married, Gerard,” Ray reiterated. “She has a husband. She doesn’t need you.”

“Yes, she does!” I insisted almost desperately, not sure whether I was trying to convince them or myself. I was certain that she needed me and if not, I needed her.

“She’s bad for you!” Mikey practically yelled.

“First of all, the fact that she’s always with you shows how little respect she has for her marriage.”

“It’s not like that,” I muttered. “We have an understanding.”

“You’re a mess.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m always a fucking mess. It’s not her fault. You don’t know her like I do!”

“Do you even know her at all?” Mikey asked.

“I don’t have to defend the situation. You guys can’t change my mind. I know what I know and that’s all that matters. I know what’s important.”

“Yes, your own life.”

“Friendship is…”

“You’re deluded. Maybe if you weren’t drunk all the time you’ll be able to see what we’re trying to tell you.”

I stubbornly crossed my arms over my chest.

“Gerard…”

“Drop it, okay!”

“Not this time. It’s time that you listen,” Ray stated. “You can’t run away this time.”

“Stop the car.”

“You need to pull yourself together. You need to clean up and you have to get away from Katherine. You’re going down a dangerous path and it won’t have a happy ending.”

“Stop the damn car!” I demanded.

“You’re going to get hurt one way or another.”

“I swear if you don’t stop this fucking car, I’ll jump.”

He pulled over to the side of the road and I got out.

“Gerard, don’t be ridiculous. Get back in the car,” Mikey told me.

“No, I’ll walk the rest of the way.” I started in the direction of my apartment, but stopped and turned to say one last thing. “You guys don’t understand. You don’t know a single thing, okay. I’m fucking fine. I need you to accept that and leave me the fuck alone.” I stuffed my hands deep into my pockets, pulling my shoulders up against the cold and trudging my way home. Finally, Ray’s car drove past me and I watched his taillights fade. They didn’t know anything. They couldn’t change me even if they wanted to. I was going to be fine. I had to be.

Chapter Text

The clock against the wall ticked loudly in the otherwise silent little apartment. Normally it would drive me crazy, but not today. My mind was too busy thinking about other things to notice the tick-tock sound. The tick-tock of a stupid wall clock was the absolute last thing on my mind as my hand dove deep into the box of coco puffs resting on my lap. I stuffed a hand full of coco puffs into my mouth and for the next few seconds there were loud crunching sounds to join the ticking of the hands of the clock. I liked Kat. The half empty bottle of beer was brought up to my lips and I took a large swig.

I liked Kat.

I liked her a lot, but she was married and I was drunk. It’s been three weeks since I realized I liked her. I haven’t told anyone that I thought I might be falling in love with her. I wasn’t going to tell anyone about it either, because it didn’t matter. I wasn’t going to do anything about it. My acting on my feelings in any way will only result in her hating me and I couldn’t risk that for anything in the world.

I’ve been avoiding her for the past week. I needed time to clear my head, to think about everything that’s been happening lately. This wasn’t real. I wasn’t in love with her. This was just… lust. Yeah, that’s what it was… Who was I kidding? This wasn’t some addiction I could deny. I should’ve listened to Ray, but no; I always knew better. Also, I was afraid that Ray might be right. We were always drunk. What if my resolve disappeared in that condition and I did something stupid? I wouldn’t have any control over my actions.

Instead of spending time with her, I spent time with my friends again. I was going out with the guys and having fun again. Hanging out with Kat has never been fun. Things between us were always too serious. Whenever we were together we always got sucked in by our problems. Together we only focused on the bad and to add to it all, we also focused on the bad in each others lives which only made it worse. Spending time with Kat was depressing. That was why spending time with the guys for a change was refreshing. It was fun. I hated it.

The beer bottle was emptied in a large swig. The guys were cool, but it wasn’t the same. I didn’t want to be there getting drunk with them. I wanted to be out with Kat. That way I could keep an eye on her even if it was only barely. In turn she could keep an eye on me. In a weird way we’ve become co-dependent.  Believe me, I knew exactly how messed up that was since neither one of us was in any condition to be taking care of anyone. We couldn’t even take care of ourselves. Besides, as Ray rightly pointed out, she had a husband whose job it was to take care of her. I still cursed the fact that she was fucking married.

I munched on some more coco puffs and attempted to focus on the sound of the ticking clock. It was impossible, because I missed Kat too much. It’s only been a week, but I was already dying to see her again. I missed her little quirks and even her way of putting me in my place. She always seemed to notice things no one else did. That’s where our sense of companionship came into existence, we understood one another.

The phone rang and I listlessly answered it. “Hello.”

“Hey, Gee. How have you been?”

I didn’t expect to hear Kat’s voice on the other end. “I’m okay and you?”

“I don’t have any complaints. I only called to ask if you were going out with your friends again tonight.”

Her question caught me by surprise.”I don’t know yet, why?”

“I haven’t seen you all week and wondered if I was flying solo for another night.”

I suddenly felt bad for simply abandoning her. I’ve been avoiding her without giving her a reason or explanation as to my absence. It was fair of her to ask.

“I don’t have to.” The truth was that I was planning to spend the night getting drunk by myself anyway. “One night won’t kill them. As you said, we haven’t seen each other all week.” I was weak to cave so quickly. Kat wouldn’t have called unless she missed me too. That was enough reason for me to let go of any good resolutions I had of staying away from her until I was certain that I had my feelings under control. She needed me and I would be there for her.

“Okay!” She attempted to squash the tone of excitement in her voice, but wasn’t completely successful. “You don’t have to feel like you have to though. I’ll survive.”

“No, it’s fine. I want to.”

My spirits were strangely lifted once the phone call ended. I actually got up off the couch and threw away the empty beer bottles. It was long before I had to meet up with Kat and I decided to take a shower to let the time pass. Maybe I wanted to look good too. Besides it might have been a good idea to sober up slightly before seeing her. I took a quick shower and then carefully combed and styled my hair. By some miracle I had a clean set of clothes to wear. There was still plenty of time to kill unfortunately. I was nervous about what was to come and kept myself busy by cleaning the apartment. I threw away all the trash lying around which of course consisted mostly of empty alcohol containers. I even washed all the dirty coffee mugs. The place almost looked decent by the time I finished. There was still time, but I decided to head out and wait for Kat at the bar otherwise I would lose my mind.

I wasn’t sure why I was there. I never should have agreed to see her tonight. It was like I was looking for trouble, because nothing good could come of this. It was because I couldn’t take not seeing her anymore. I knew how ridiculous that was. How could you be so in love with a person you knew near nothing of and don’t forget that said person was married. Nothing lasted forever. I would get over this and move on with my life. It was about ten minutes before she arrived looking as beautiful as ever. She was dressed in denim from top to bottom and her short hair and make-up was done the same as always, but I liked it. It was very her.

“Hi, stranger,” she smiled as soon as she reached me, making me duck my head guiltily.

“Sorry,” I muttered. I was, but she had no idea why. She couldn’t know what I’ve been fighting this entire week.

She chuckled, sitting down next to me. “That’s okay. I don’t expect you to spend all your time with me. You have your own life. I would like to know what you’ve been up to, though.”

“I’ve just been around, hanging out with the guys mostly. There’s also been work.”

“Of course,” she nodded. “Vodka and tonic,” she told the barman. We waited in silence as he prepared her drink. I watched her from the corner of my eye. Her lipstick wasn’t as red as it always was, clearly it wasn’t newly applied. It made me wonder where her lips had been. Maybe she had kissed her husband. That would explain the slightly faded color. Her high cheekbones were lightly dusted with blush to accentuate them. This brought my attention to her skin which looked extremely soft.

“Is everything alright, Gee?” I hadn’t realized that I was facing her and that she was facing me too. Obviously she had caught me staring at her. Way to go. “I get the feeling that you’re avoiding me and I don’t know why.”

“Why on earth would I do that?” I asked, pretending not to have a clue what she was talking about when in truth she couldn’t be more right.

She shrugged. “I don’t know.”

Her blue eyes bore into my own hazel ones and I felt exposed, as if her eyes could see into my soul and extract all my thoughts and feelings. That would definitely be a disaster.

“Can I get you something to drink?” I asked, turning away from her and facing the bar. If I stared into her eyes any longer…

“Gee, I just got a drink. What is up with you?”

“Nothing, I’m fine,” I gave her a fake smile hoping to assure her.

Kat sighed deeply. “How’s work?” Now she was making small talk. It’s been a long time since things have been this awkward between us.

“Work’s good,” I replied vaguely, not looking at her, but keeping my eyes fixed on my drink before me. “How about yours?”

“I work at Starbucks,” she stated as if the answer should be obvious. The earth could have swallowed me right then and I wouldn’t have minded. It would have been perfect timing to be honest. I took a large gulp of my drink not that it helped at all in making me feel better.

“Gee, look at me,” Kat demanded.

I turned to face her, looking at her in fake innocence. “Is something wrong?”

“You’re acting weird. You’re not yourself.”

I laughed it off. “You’re imagining things. I’m fine.”

“First you disappear on me without so much as a word and now you’re being distant.  It’s like you’re here physically, but otherwise you’re somewhere else. Something is up with you. Did Mikey or Ray say something or one of your friends? Is it Sarah?” She asked the last part after a short pause.

This time I actually laughed. “No, it’s not Sarah. Why would that matter?”

“Well, you cared about her, didn’t you?” Her eyes were searching my face for anything that could confirm her thoughts. At least I think that’s what she was looking for. She could’ve been looking for a hundred of answers that I would probably never give her.

“Yes, I did, but I haven’t spoken to her in months and I haven’t seen her for even longer than that. Why would she have anything to do with this?”

“So you admit that there is something going on?” she questioned me.

I turned away from her with a shake of my head. “No, Kat nothing is going on.” I downed the contents of my glass.

“You know, I honestly thought that you would trust me by now.” She looked disappointed.

“What?”

She sighed. “We’ve been friends for months now and you still don’t trust me enough to tell me when something is bothering you. You’d rather lie about it and you think I won’t notice. Newsflash, I’m not stupid. I’d like to think that I know you well enough to know when something isn’t right and right now, something isn’t right, but you refuse to tell me what it is. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on.” She was upset with me. It bothered me.

I finally faced her and looked at her urgently. “It’s not that I don’t want to tell you. I would love to tell you, but the circumstances for it are all wrong.” And you would hate me as soon as the truth came out.

“Why? I don’t understand.”

“That’s okay.” I looked down at my hands. I was not drunk enough for this conversation yet at the same time I wasn’t sober enough for it either. We shouldn’t even be having this conversation. It never should’ve come up. It was a bad topic for several reasons. We were both treading on dangerous ground and it allowed my thoughts to imagine the possibilities no matter how impossible it was. Those thoughts in themselves were the most dangerous, because it gave me hope and hope led to disappointment which in turn brought me back to my addictions. Also, thinking about the possibilities might lead me to do exactly what I did in that moment.

“Please tell me what’s wrong,” Kat begged and instead of telling her, I showed her. I leaned forward and my lips softly brushed against hers. It wasn’t even a split second before she pressed her hand against my chest and pushed me away, staring at me in shock.

“What are you doing?” she whispered wide-eyed. I waited for her to slap me or punch me or something, but she sat there frozen.

“Kat…” I tried, but she got up and stormed off.

Well, what the hell did I expect, that she was going to fall into my arms and declare her undying love for me? Get fucking real. I should’ve known better. I gulped down the last of her drink and left the bar as well. On my way home, I made sure to stock up for the night ahead, because it was going to be one long, lonely, miserable night.

*

Kat

I knew it! I knew that sooner or later this was going to happen! How could I have been so naïve to think that Gerard would be different and just keep things simple? No, things always had to become complicated. Simple was just that, too simple. He knew I was married! How could he do that? Why would he even begin to think that it was okay to kiss me? He honestly couldn’t have thought that I would be okay with it. I took a deep, long drag of my cigarette, hoping to calm myself down.

“Damn it!” I kicked the trash can in front of my house out of pure frustration. This happened every time. Every time I thought I could trust someone they had to prove me wrong. Gerard did it in the absolute worst way. That wasn’t completely true, but of all the people I hoped that he would be the one I could trust no matter what. “Great going, Gee. You had to go fuck up everything, because you’re so damn good at it,” I hissed to myself, dropping my cigarette butt in the driveway and stepping on it.

“You’re home early,” Dana noticed, coming in from the kitchen the second I burst through the front door.

“Hey,” I greeted him quietly already feeling the guilt of what happened claw at my insides. It wasn’t fair. I didn’t do anything wrong. Gerard was the one who kissed me. I stopped him as soon as I realized what was going on. I never led him on, not once.

“Are you okay?” He came over to me and looked at me almost worriedly. “You look… I don’t know.”

“Yeah,” I said, taking a deep breath. “I’m fine.”

He looked at me with one eyebrow cocked. “You’re sober.”

I dropped my keys on the couch along with my jacket. “Is that such a big surprise?”

“It is.”

I couldn’t even take offense, because he was right, I was drunk most of the time. He rarely ever saw me sober anymore. It wasn’t my fault. Yes, I was the one who chose to cope this way, but it wouldn’t have been necessary if…

“Did you and your boyfriend have a fight?”

I was taken aback by his question. “Excuse me?”

“Why else would you be home early?”

I sighed. “Dana, you know as well as I do that I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m married to you, remember? You still kissed me this afternoon.”

“That may be, but do you seriously expect me to believe that you go out night after night and get drunk all by yourself? I don’t even want  to know what you get up to in your drunken state.”

“Yes, I do expect you to believe me, because that’s exactly what I do. I drown my sorrows alone in a quiet bar night after night. It’s not like life holds much more pleasures for me than that.”

“That’s not my fault.”

“I didn’t say that,” I assured him. “But, Dana I’ve never been unfaithful to you and I never would be.” That was the truth. I loved him and would never dream about doing that to him.

“You could tell me, you know?” he insisted. “It’s not like I didn’t see it coming.”

“Get over it, Dana. I haven’t cheated on you in any condition, drunk or sober, and I’m not planning on it either which is more than I can say about you,” I muttered the last part. All I wanted was to go to bed and sleep. This day has turned into a disaster and right now I just wanted it to end.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Dana demanded, his voice rising.

I laughed sardonically. “I’m not stupid so don’t even try to deny it. I know about your infidelity.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he stated, turning away from me. I couldn’t believe he had so little respect for me that he couldn’t even be honest with me when I confronted him about it.

“Oh, come on, Dana! The late nights, the long weekends, it’s so damn obvious!” I exclaimed helplessly, because this was the exact reason I turned to alcohol in the first place. All the therapy in the world could not remove the image of my husband in another woman’s arms from my mind.

He spun around lividly to face me. “You have no idea what you’re talking about. I’ve been working my ass off for you! I’m not doing everything for myself. I have to work all those long hours and late nights in order to take care of you, of both of us.”

“Whatever. I’m pretty sure the office slut Carrie makes it all worthwhile.”

I felt a sharp sting across my left cheek as he slapped me. My head whipped to the side from the force of his blow. This has never ever happened before. Dana has never raised his hand against me and it was the last thing I ever expected him to do. He wasn’t that guy. I looked at him in shock, too stunned to even reach up and touch my cheek. He stared back at me, his eyes wide and filled with both horror and fear.

“Kate, I’m so sorry,” he apologized, closing the gap between us, but I instinctively stepped back, the back of my legs hitting the couch. “I swear I would never hurt… I… I didn’t mean to. I don’t…”

My brain finally kicked back into action. I hurried around to the other side of the couch and grabbed my keys.

“Katherine, wait!” he begged, gently grabbing me by my shoulders.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” I seethed, ripping myself from his grasp and fumbling with the front door handle.

“Babe, I’m so sorry!” he apologized. “Please…”

I glared at him one last time before running out the door. I couldn’t believe it, the two most important people in my life… They’ve both disappointed me beyond measure in less than half an hour. I ran down the street until I could hail a cab to take me back to the bar. I wasn’t even sure why I was going back there. I was mad at Gerard, but in the same instance, I didn’t want to be alone right now and he was the only other person I could go to and I knew he would understand. He wouldn’t ask questions. He would just be there for me. That was why I was so upset when he had kissed me earlier. Gerard was all I had aside from Dana and when he kissed me, I knew our friendship had reached its end. I would be alone again, but now, after what happened with Dana… I could forgive Gerard. I needed to.

When I arrived back at the bar, I couldn’t find Gerard anywhere. He must have left after what happened. I ran back outside again and started to walk in the direction of Gerard’s apartment, tears starting to sting my eyes. People stared at me as I pushed past them, but no one said anything. No one ever did. After what felt like an eternity, but was in reality only about fifteen minutes later, I finally reached Gerard’s place and knocked on the door. The door opened after a while and Gerard stood there looking at me confused, a look that was instantly replaced by worry as soon as he saw me.

“Kat, what happened?”

The male with the onyx colored hair didn’t hesitate to pull me into his arms and hug me tightly. That’s all I needed for the tears to start flowing and I started to sob onto his shoulder, my tears soaking the fabric of his shirt. He held onto me for a long time as I cried. I didn’t care about anything in that moment. It didn’t matter that we were still standing in the doorway of his apartment. It didn’t matter that Gerard had kissed me or that Dana had hit me. The tears running down my cheeks were for so much more than those two incidents. These tears were being cried for months and months of misery. It was for everything that has gone wrong in my life in the last two years which was pretty much everything.

After a long time, I felt my feet leave the floor when he lifted me up and stepped back inside the apartment in order to shut the door. I must have cried continuously for at least an hour before I calmed down enough to breathe and Gerard felt it safe to loosen his grip on me. He led me over to his couch and we sat down.

“What happened?” he wanted to know.

I groaned, dropping my head into my hand. “Dana and I had a huge fallout,” I muttered, sniffing.

I felt his hand give my shoulder a squeeze. “Are you okay?” he checked.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I sighed miserably. After all that crying it felt like a mountain had been lifted from my shoulders. That still didn’t change the mess I was in. My husband hit me and my one and only friend seemed to have deeper feelings for me than just friendship. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know where else to go.”

“No, it’s okay. I told you I’m always here for you.”

“Everything I do gets so fucked up,” I said as more tears started to well up in my eyes.

“What are you talking about?” he asked confused.

“Everything. My entire life is a mess. My marriage is busy crashing and burning. I finally have a friend for the first time in years and I screw that up too,” I cried, but this time I quickly managed to suppress the new flood of tears.

“I’m sorry about what happened earlier,” he quietly apologized.

“It’s okay.”

“No, it was wrong of me to kiss you. I know you’re married,” he continued. “I didn’t mean to… I mean, I did. I wanted to kiss you, but I shouldn’t have. I had no right. I still don’t know what came over me.”

“Don’t worry about it.” I sniffed and wrapped my arms around him, burying my face in his chest. His arms slowly wrapped around me too and I sighed contently. I already felt a lot calmer than I did a few minutes ago. I made the right decision coming here. He didn’t say anything and neither did I. I was exhausted from all the crying and thankfully my mind also seemed too tired to think about anything which was perfect, because I couldn’t possibly cry anymore. We didn’t move until we eventually fell asleep right there on the couch.

Chapter Text

I woke up with my knees drawn up to my chest and my arms wrapped tightly around them as if I had been trying to keep myself together in my sleep. My muscles were stiff from the position and I slowly disentangled my limbs. The surroundings reminded me that I wasn’t at home and suddenly all the memories from the night before came rushing back. I didn’t exactly have a peaceful night’s sleep, but for the first few waking moments I had actually forgotten about my messed up life. Gerard was somewhat sprawled out next to me on the couch, still very much asleep. It was the first time I ever saw him that peaceful. Although he hid his emotions well most of the times, there was always something in his eyes that gave him away, never completely, but enough to reveal the surface of his protective layer. It was comforting to know that at least he found peace in his sleep, because despite all his acting, he wasn’t okay either.

I slowly, carefully, got up off the couch, trying my best not to wake him up. His apartment wasn’t big and it was easy to find the bathroom. After using the toilet, I splashed some water on my face, hoping to feel better. It didn’t do much. It soon became clear that my intentions of making breakfast were not going to become a realization either, because all of his kitchen cupboards were empty. In total there were about half a loaf of stale bread and some eggs. Gerard was still fast asleep and I decided to find the nearest coffee shop and get some coffee and breakfast.

Outside the sun seemed too bright and as usual the streets were bustling with people. I didn’t really know the neighborhood, but in New York City it wasn’t too difficult to find a Starbucks. I fished a few dollar bills from my pocket, ordering two coffees, remembering that Gee only took one sugar with his, and some muffins. When I returned, I heard the shower water running. Gerard was awake. Curiosity got the better of me and I stole a sip of his coffee, instantly regretting it. Shit, his life would be a lot better if he used more sugar in his coffee, I thought, pulling a face at the bitter taste.

“That bad? I thought for sure Starbucks made the best coffee in the world,” Gerard said, making his appearance in the door and causing me to jump. He wore a pair of black jeans, a red shirt and his black hair was a wet mess. “Breakfast,” he noticed smiling. “You didn’t have to.”

I shrugged, “It was nothing. Oh, and you need to go shopping: your kitchen is empty.”

He chuckled, “I don’t do a lot of cooking.” Go figure.

We sat down at the table and started eating quietly. I was glad that the whole situation of the night before wasn’t brought up. It was almost as if none of it had ever happened.

“Do you want to hang out today?” Gerard asked, taking another bite from his muffin.

“Today?”

“It’s Saturday and I’m lazy as hell,” he informed me. “I thought maybe we can just go out and walk in the park or walk on the beach or occupy a table at some coffee shop for the rest of the day.”

I’d completely forgotten about the fact that it was Saturday. My schedule at work occupied every other Saturday. I had this one off. I could spend some time with him. It might be fun, take my mind off things. To be honest, I couldn’t remember the last time I had fun.

“Okay,” I nodded. I didn’t miss how his entire being lit up when I agreed.

“Okay,” he smiled, playing with the wrapper around what was left of his muffin.

“Yeah, I just want to go home and change first.”

We finished our breakfast and then headed for my place. It was quite a long way away from his apartment and it took a while to get there.

“You can come in.”

“What about your husband?” he asked cautiously still standing on the pavement in front of our house.

“He’s away on some business trip,” I told him in a slightly sarcastic tone, because Dana’s idea of a business trip was definitely not the same as mine. He was probably off somewhere with his mistress doing… well, I could guess.

“I’ll be right back,” I told Gerard, heading to my bedroom.

I nearly got a heart attack coming into the room, because Dana was home. He lay sprawled out on the bed reeking of alcohol. I sighed disappointedly, because this wasn’t the guy I married. I had no idea what was going on with him. What happened the night before had been such a shock that I hadn’t been able to properly process it. Now that I had some sleep and time to absorb it, I knew that it hadn’t been Dana. Something was wrong with him and I had to find out what. Not right now.

I hurriedly, but quietly, grabbed some clothes and quickly took a shower in the downstairs bathroom. I made sure to cover up the slight shade of purple on my left cheek before returning to Gerard. He didn’t need to know the whole story of what happened the night before. Somehow I didn’t think he would take too kindly to the information.

“I’m ready,” I announced and we headed out the door.

*

The temperature outside was nice. There was a light breeze, but it wasn’t cold. As Gerard had suggested, we went to the park and it was nice. I hadn’t been to the park in forever.

 “I like this park,” I told Gerard.

“You do? I’m not much of a nature lover, but I guess it’s nice,” he replied.

“It’s so open and free.” I stretched out my arms and turned in circles as if to emphasize my point. I didn’t grow up in the city and missed the open space. When I stopped my movements, I realized that Gerard was staring at me. I couldn’t really read his expression and had no idea what he was thinking. “What?”

He snapped out of whatever trance he had been in. “I was thinking that I haven’t seen my grandmother in a long time and that I should visit her.” There went my day of carefree fun.

“I want you to come with me,” he added.

I didn’t want to spend the day alone. I didn’t want to go home and relive the night before while Gerard was laughing with his grandmother and Dana was having a good time with Carrie. On the other hand I didn’t want to go with Gerard to visit his grandmother. I didn’t know her and she didn’t know me. I didn’t want to spend the day with someone looking down on me and judging my every move.

“No, you go. I’ll be fine. Spend some time with your grandmother. I know how much she means to you and how much you must miss her.” It was true, aside from Mikey, his grandmother was the person he talked most about. I knew without a doubt that she was one of the most important people in his life.

“What else are you going to do all day?” He gave me a small smile accompanied by a look that said don’t be ridiculous. “We’ll take the train down to Jersey, spend the day there and we’ll be back before dark. Please, I want you to meet my grandma. She’s very cool.”

He wasn’t going to let up and I reluctantly agreed. A little over an hour later, we got off the train at the station in Belleville, New Jersey. The place was slightly crowded since it was lunch time and people weren’t stuck in their offices at the current point in time. We stepped out onto the street and I could already feel the freedom from not being in the city anymore. I could tell I was in Jersey.

“Come on, this way,” Gerard spoke, taking a hold of my hand and heading in a direction. I didn’t know the place and allowed him to lead the way. It’s been a long time since I was in New Jersey, not since I left home with Dana.

“She’s going to love you and you her,” Gerard said excitedly. “She is probably the coolest person you’ll ever meet. She taught me everything I know.” This was the happiest I have ever seen him and we haven’t even gotten to the best part yet. Maybe it was a good thing that I came along even if it was only to see Gerard in a more natural environment.

“Don’t your parents live near here?” I asked wondering why he hasn’t mentioned them.

“Yeah, they live a couple of streets from my grandma, but the day won’t be long enough to see them too. I’ll come back another day to do that.”

I didn’t know whether he had a reason to avoid his parents, but I didn’t push the subject. Maybe he was simply excited to see his grandma and not in the mood for everyone else. We finally reached our destination, a little old house in the middle of the street. It seemed welcoming enough and I began to feel slightly more at ease. Gerard all but ran up the little garden path and knocked on the front door of his grandmother’s house. The door swung open after a few moments and an elderly woman appeared, smiling broadly as soon as she saw Gerard.

“This is a very nice surprise.”

“Hey, Grandma,” Gee grinned back and I’m pretty sure he almost broke the old woman in his hug. “This is my friend Kat. She’s also from the city.”

“It’s actually Katherine,” I told her. “Gerard’s the only person who calls me Kat.”

She moved aside to let us in. “Would you mind if I also called you Kat then, because you have a beautiful name, but these old lungs might decide to fail me at some point.”

“I don’t mind,” I smiled in response. “Anyway, you’re not old.”

“I am old. I’m seventy one,” she informed me, leading us to the kitchen. “And you can call me Elena.” She motioned for us to make ourselves at home while sitting down too. “What brings you two here?”

“I thought I haven’t seen you in a while and decided to come and see you,” Gerard answered.

“Yes, it has been a while. Your parents told me you were here a while ago.”

“It’s been almost three months again. Sorry I didn’t drop by. I hadn’t planned on coming home and once I did, there wasn’t really time to let everyone know and the weekend was over so fast.”

“You’re here now and that’s all that matters. So tell me, how did you two meet?” Elena asked this last part while rummaging through the fridge and pulling out a plate of cupcakes.

I kept quiet, not sure what Gerard wanted his grandma to know and what not. “I was waiting for some friends at a bar and we got talking.” I was surprised by his honest answer. “That was actually five months ago.” I hadn’t even realized that we had known each other that long.

“You’re probably best friends by now.”

“She’s a much better influence than all my other friends,” Gee chuckled. I sat in silence listening to their conversation. I hardly doubted that I was a better influence, although I haven’t drunk myself into the hospital like some of his friends have. It was an interesting theory though, that we were best friends. I guess we could be, especially considering that he was the only friend I had.

This was so strange, meeting Gerard’s grandmother. I could see why he was crazy about her as I listened to their conversation. They were like the same people, for the most part anyway. Their outlook on life and the way they saw the world were similar. Gerard tried to include me in their conversations, but most of the time I just sat there listening to them talking. I was fascinated and learned so much more about him. They talked about his family, who sounded like great people, about his old jobs – he used to work at Walmart, something I never would have been able to imagine. He reminisced about art school and got frustrated about how he wasn’t exactly getting to a place in his job where he wanted to be. He was completely at ease, something he rarely ever seemed to be back in New York. I couldn’t imagine that it was only me that he was uncomfortable around, because I was here now and it didn’t seem like a problem. Somehow their conversation had circled back to middle school and apparently he had played Peter Pan in the play, which was news and entertainment to me. Elena even dug out his green tights from one of the closets.

“Gran, why don’t you make some of your delicious coffee and I’ll run out and get us some take-aways for lunch.”

“I will do that. Here,” she dug some money out of her purse. “Make sure you get enough food. I don’t want either of you to starve and it doesn’t look like you eat much,” she berated him.

“Yes, Grandma.” With that he left the house and Elena made us coffee before we sat back down in the living room.

“So Gerard tells me you’re married?” Elena said with interest.

I nodded nervously, because the questions were starting now. Gerard wasn’t here right now which gave her a chance to interrogate me and tell me off.

“You’re still very young,” she observed.

“We married straight out of high school,” I admitted since she was going to ask eventually anyway. I shifted uncomfortably as she observed me from her place on the couch across from me.

“I’m sorry,” she suddenly apologized out of the blue and it was the sincerest apology I have ever heard. “You’ve had a difficult time, haven’t you?” I could see in her eyes that she knew exactly what was going on inside my head and it shocked me so much that I simply nodded numbly. “It’s not fair,” she continued with a deep sigh. “Life can sometimes be very cruel to people.”

I picked up the cup of coffee she had made, because I didn’t know what else to say, not that I wanted to continue with the current topic at all. Why did people always have to dig into your personal life? Then again, she wasn’t doing anything wrong. She was showing interest and deep understanding for my situation. Gerard was truly blessed with this woman. She had a heart of gold. I took a sip of the coffee and my eyes widened infinitesimally. There was alcohol in it. I looked up and met her eyes on me once again.

Elena started talking. “Gerard came to visit a long time ago. It was nice seeing him especially since he’d been in the city for so long at that point in time. You get used to seeing someone almost every day and then all of a sudden it becomes something that happens only once every few months.” She stopped and took a sip of her own coffee. “Everything was great and we caught up on a lot of things that had happened during the time he’d been gone. I could tell that he was fidgety and… restless even. At first I thought he wasn’t used to sitting still so much, but he kept at it. He was trying to remain calm, but wasn’t very successful at that. I offered to make coffee and I added some whisky to his coffee. I wasn’t sure, but I had an idea. The look in his eyes when he had drunk the coffee and then looked at me… I knew I was right and I knew that he knew it too. I didn’t even have to say anything before he came out with the entire story. I had a feeling about you too,” she murmured. “It’s not something I could tell like I did with Gerard, though. You’re a lot more composed.” I gulped, almost feeling guilty.

“It’s not easy when someone you love very much admits to you that they have a drinking problem. It was a real shock to my system, I’ll be honest. However, I knew that the last thing he needed was a lecture from me. Gerard’s mind doesn’t function like everybody else’s. When he makes up his mind about something, you’ll have a hell of a time trying to change it. No, what he needed from me most at that point in time was acceptance. I think the only thing that helped me stay calm was my faith in him. I know Gerard and I know he will be okay, eventually. No one can force him to change his habits, but there will come a time when he’ll make the decision himself and he’ll be fine. All he needs is patience from everyone around him. Judging him won’t help.” I could see where Gerard’s wisdom came from. “The problem with people today is that they judge too easily. The thing is that they only see what their eyes see. They don’t look deeper than the external appearance and what’s sad about that is that they miss what’s important. Like Gerard, he will only let you see what he wants you to see. He has this appearance of calm and utmost control when in fact he’s completely lost inside. No one gets to see that. You have to really look to get even the tiniest glimpse of what’s really going on in his life.” She suddenly looked a lot older than she was. “Is he okay? Is he taking care of himself?”

I was taken aback by her questions and genuine concern. I nodded slowly. “I think he’s okay. He’s better than he was a little while ago.”

“He is? That’s good to hear?” she said in relief.

“Are you guys talking about me?” Gerard asked coming into the room with the biggest grin I have ever seen on his face. It was beautiful.

“Now why would we do that?” his grandmother said teasingly. “We were simply discussing the weather.”

“Let’s say I believe you,” he spoke, plopping down on the couch next to her and kissing her temple. “I don’t, but let’s say that I do.” He caught my eyes on him and he winked at me, still smiling. The fact that he seemed happy made me feel lighter inside, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders if only slightly. I was happy to see him happy. He should be happy like this more often. It was contagious and pretty soon we were all laughing heartily.

*

“Please, I insist,” I said, paying the cab driver. “That ought to cover his expenses home too.” The guy behind the steering wheel nodded and I got out. I met Gerard’s eyes through the cab window for about a moment and I could see numerous emotions displayed there, but what stood out was the flash of happiness. It was brief, but it was definitely there and it made me smile as the car drove off. That momentary sparkle in his eyes made my day.

I made my way towards the dark and lonely house that waited before me. I hated this house. When Dana and I married and first moved in here, it was our dream home, but after only a year, I was pretty certain that we both hated the place. It represented my very own purgatory. I couldn’t forget the empty days that had dragged on forever in silence while Dana was at work and I was stuck at home getting over the tragedy that had hit our marriage. I had never been more alone in my life which was sad, because that was exactly the point in time when I had needed him the most. I hadn’t even known about him and Carrie back then. I fit the role of the naïve little wife perfectly. Not for long though. I soon found my own escape at the bottom of several liquor bottles in the dives of the city.

The kitchen light that was on for some unexplainable reason drew me to it where I found Dana sitting at the kitchen table having dinner.

“You’re home,” I noticed. “I thought you were supposed to be away on business.”

He shook his head and my heart wrenched inside my chest unexpectedly. Despite what has happened between us, I still loved him and I still thought he was the most beautiful person on earth. “Katherine, please sit down. I really need to talk to you,” he spoke quietly.

I hesitated for a few seconds, because I had no idea what to expect. If he wanted to apologize again for the night before, he didn’t have to. It was done and he couldn’t take it back. I wouldn’t hold it against him. I pulled out a chair and sat down across from him.

He didn’t waste any time, getting straight to the point. “I’m really sorry about what happened last night. You know I would never lay a hand on you…”

“But you did.”

“I know and I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did that.” He sounded genuinely regretful.

“You did it, because it was your only defense at that point,” I gave my opinion. “You knew I was right when I accused you of cheating on me. You felt guilty and reacted. Besides that, I think you actually have feelings for your mistress and when I called her a slut you had the urge to defend her.”

He avoided making eye contact and looked down at his hands laced together in front of him on the table. “I don’t know what to tell you.”

“I’m right.” I had known I was right, but an actual admission always made things worse.

He looked up. “Kate, I’m really sorry. I promise I would never ever hurt you again.” He stood up and came over, crouching next to me and making sure that I was looking at him. Maybe he hoped that I would see the sincerity in his eyes as he talked. “I know things have been… We haven’t been… How do I put this?”

“Technically we’re not married,” I helped him remembering Gerard’s words.

He winced, but continued, “I guess that’s about right. I know we’re barely talking and we don’t see each other…”

“We’re not even sharing a room anymore,” I said quietly, looking away.

From the corner of my eye I could see him nod stiffly. “I know, but can we not carry on like this anymore. We used to be so in love. What happened?”

At this I couldn’t sit there anymore. It was all I could take. It was more than we had talked in months and I figured it was enough for one night.

 “Katherine, wait! I’m sorry,” Dana called after me as I headed for my room.

“This is not my fault,” I cried, tears stinging my eyes as I turned back around in order to face him. “I didn’t ask for any of this. Losing our baby was not something I planned or had any control over.”

“I know.” He closed the space between us in two long strides and then he was standing in front of me, crushing me to his chest. “We should take better care of each other,” he breathed into my hair.

“I’m sorry to tell you this, but it’s much too late for that,” I told him, pulling away from him.

He sighed deeply. “I’m sorry that I’ve been unfaithful. I guess my guilty conscience is the reason I accused you of cheating. I know you’re not cheating on me. I’m done with that though. Things between me and Carrie… It’s done. It’s not worth losing you over something so simple and meaningless. I’m going to try to be a better husband. We can go back to what we used to be, you know, when we got married. We were happy.” He smiled hopefully.

“Things will never be the same again,” I interjected cynically. “Too much has happened.”

“Just accept the gesture please. We can work things out,” he tried again. “We can at least try. Even if things are not as they were, we’ll reach a place where it’s even better than before. We can do it.”

I wanted desperately for things to go back to the way they were before everything seemed to go wrong. Maybe logic should have played a bigger role in my decision, but at that moment the self-preservation part of me won and I didn’t hesitate to accept his suggestion. I couldn’t keep carrying on the way I was. I would never survive. Dana could save me from myself and he would. “Okay.”

He gave me a small smile and pulled me into another hug. I wrapped my arms around him and sighed contentedly. I didn’t know if things will ever be right again between Dana and me, but I was willing to try and fix it. I missed this. I missed the feeling of being in his arms and being loved.

“Come on. It’s been a long day. Let’s go to bed,” he said, putting an arm around my shoulders and leading me towards our bedroom, a bedroom I haven’t occupied in months.

I realized that we still had a lot to talk about as we lay in the dark with his arms wrapped tightly around me and his breathing deep and even in my ear while he slept peacefully. This realization was confirmed when I thought about that day and the different side of Gerard I had seen. He was actually happy for a change. Happy looked good on him. He was such an amazing person, but he didn’t always realize that. He needed someone to remind him that he was good and that everything was going to be okay. He wasn’t alone. He never needed to be alone.

Chapter Text

Kat

It’s been a long time since I woke up and didn’t feel completely terrible about life. Dana and I made up. We were going to try this again. Things are about to turn around. Life was about to return to normal which was great. I found myself smiling happily at the idea of it all. This dark phase was about to pass, finally. I noticed the half open bedroom door slowly open and I sat up.

“Knock knock. I thought I would have to wake you,” Dana said, coming into the room, holding a tray laden with food.

 “Are those your famous apple pancakes?” I asked excitedly. Dana made the best breakfast in the world and it’s been forever since I had any of it.

“It is,” he grinned. “I hope you’re hungry, because I made plenty.” I was awed as he placed the tray on the bed and got back in next to me.

“I’m starved,” I admitted embarrassedly as my stomach rumbled at the sight of the food. “What is all this?”

“I have to start somewhere,” he told me. “I figured that we used to do this all the time and that I have missed it. Besides, what better way to start the day than breakfast in bed with my beautiful wife?” He leaned in and kissed me.

“Well, you’re getting off to a pretty good start.” I giggled happily, pulling away and reaching for a pancake. “You really went all out,” I noted, taking in the pancakes and bacon and the juice. It was quite something. I almost missed the strawberries which seemed impossible, because they were huge. “Dana, this is amazing.”

“Not yet, but it will be.” I looked at his serious face. This was only the beginning of the healing process of our relationship.

“It’s perfect,” I insisted, kissing his cheek. “Thank you.”

We both dug into the food, filling our stomachs with the most delicious pancakes and strawberries. We caught up a little on what had been happening in our lives. Sadly, neither of us had much to tell. I was still working at Starbucks and I was still getting drunk at night. How exciting. At least Dana seemed to be doing well. He was passing his college classes pretty well and work was also good. In that moment I realized that we were actually lucky to be there. Despite everything, we were still trying to stay afloat and somehow we were succeeding. In the end we were going to be okay. Life could give its best shot at destroying us. We will keep each other going.

“Unfortunately I have a paper due tomorrow and I still have some patching up and polishing to do so I won’t be able to take you out tonight.” Dana wiped his mouth and moved the tray off the bed.

“That’s okay.” I was laying leisurely back against my pillows looking at his apologetic face. “I don’t expect you to fail because of me.”

He smiled. “I know, but I still would have preferred spending my time with you over spending it in the library.”

“Tomorrow is another day and I’m not going anywhere.”

“I hope not.” He reached out and pulled me into his arms. “I love you, you know?”

I sighed contently at the words that left his lips. “I do and I do too.”

After breakfast, Dana insisted on cleaning up and I left for work. Just as I was about to step inside Starbucks, I nearly got run over by someone running from inside.

“Shit, sorry!” the guy apologized, barely stopping.

“It’s okay,” I assured him as I continued inside. “Was that Gerard?”

“Yep, he normally flies in here like a hurricane and out the same way in the mornings,” Ray explained. “Like you, he’s also always late for work. But you’re on time today,” he noticed surprised.

I laughed, “I am and don’t I receive any praise?”

“Keep it up and I might consider it.”

I chuckled. He never liked me and I didn’t think he ever would, but I couldn’t possibly care less. A customer showed up and I helped him instead of listening to Ray any longer. The rest of the morning passed as any other morning – super busy. Everyone came by here before going to work or during a coffee break or any possible time they could. I wasn’t complaining. That’s why I kept this job. It kept me busy, kept my thoughts from wandering to dark places. Today that wasn’t necessary of course. I was in a good mood and nothing and no one was going to ruin it.

*

Gerard

After a good weekend it wasn’t so bad being at work. My spirits were high and I enjoyed working on a new idea to pitch to the network when it was eventually finished. Time flew by while I was buried deep in my art. I didn’t stop once, not even for lunch, until I heard someone talk above my cubicle.

“It’s good to see you so hard at work. I thought for sure I would find you sitting here and missing me.”

I looked up to see a familiar smiling face. “Sarah!” I practically jumped out of my chair and stepped out of the 3x4 space. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was really her and she looked amazing. College was definitely treating her well. “Wow, you look amazing! What are they feeding you over there?”

Her smile widened. “You charmer, I missed you.”

“Not nearly as much as I missed you,” I assured the blonde beauty, pulling her into a tight hug. “And you got contacts,” I continued, pulling away and staring at her in awe once more.

“Do you like them?”

“Yes, I can see your beautiful face now.” I couldn’t help taking her face in both my hands and taking in every detail. I couldn’t believe how happy I was to see her. I had no idea how much I had missed her until she appeared out of nowhere. “How long are you in the city?”

“I’m leaving again tonight.”

“What?” I wailed. “But you just got here.”

“I actually got here on Friday and I went by your place, but you weren’t there. That’s why I’m here today, because I knew I would definitely find you at work.”

I hit my forehead. “Shit, yeah, I was in Jersey on Saturday, that’s why I wasn’t home.”

“No problem. We still have the afternoon. Can you disappear for the rest of the day?” Her eyes were hopeful and there was no way in hell I was saying no. We had a lot of catching up to do.

“Hey, Ernie can you please cover for me?” I asked the guy in the cubicle next to mine and he told me that he would. “Done, let’s go. Do you have any objections to Starbucks?”

“Do I ever?” She chuckled while I grabbed my jacket and we left the building. “That’s one thing going to university has taught me, to live off coffee and all manner of energy drinks.”

“Sounds like a great life to me. I don’t know why you’re complaining.”

“I’m not. I’m having a great time. It gets busy and sometimes it’s hard, but I’ve met so many awesome people and I actually have a social life.” She laughed at this.

“I noticed that you’re a lot less shy.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment. I missed the city.”

“Really?” I asked skeptically. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the city, but I couldn’t see how anyone could miss it.

“Everything and everyone I know is here. Of course I miss it.”

“I guess you have a point,” I conceded as we stepped into Starbucks and ordered our coffees before sitting down.

“So we’ve only talked about me. What’s been going on in your life?” Sarah asked leaning forward interested to hear what I had to say.


I didn’t really want to talk about myself for obvious reasons. There wasn’t much to tell and either way she wouldn’t approve of the one thing I had to tell her. “No, no. You haven’t told me about your student life yet and about your studies.”

“You’re cheating, but okay. I’ll let you win this one.  It’s been great. I’ve been meeting the coolest people ever. College students are crazy by the way. I’m not exactly into the whole party scene so I guess you can’t really say that I have much of a “student” life.” She shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s been fun. If you don’t go to college you definitely miss out on a fun part of life. I’ve learned so much and not only with regards to my course, but about people and life. I’ve lived in my own little bubble all this time. It’s quite a revelation to see what really goes on in the world and to see so many different personalities come together. I love it. It’s fascinating the crap out of me.”

My eyes grew wide in mock shock. “Sarah, you said crap.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m a real badass,” she laughed it off. “Now it’s your turn to spill.”

I looked around the room for something to say, but couldn’t find a distraction and sighed. It was inevitable that I would have to tell her something eventually. We couldn’t talk about one thing the whole time.

“I haven’t been half bad. My brother moved to the city which was awesome. Work’s good I guess. I met someone so I haven’t been spending all my time with the guys.”

“That is very good news. You’re getting away from all those bad influences.”

“They’re my friends, they’re not bad influences. I’d easier say that they are rid of the bad influence, because that was me.”

“And this someone you met, tell me about her, it is a girl, right?”

“Yes,” I chuckled. “It’s a girl. Her name is Kat and we’ve been spending a lot of time together. It’s been fun.” That was all I was willing to divulge for the moment.

“You don’t give much away. Do you like her?”

“She’s married.”

Her eyes grew wide, “Oh. I’m guessing no then.”

I grabbed a fistful of my hair and pulled a strained face. “I’ve messed up.”

“You didn’t…”

“I kind of kissed her the other night.”

“You did what???” It was Ray’s outraged voice that interrupted our conversation. I had been too nervous about my confession to keep an eye out for him in case he heard which of course he did. Bring on the end of the world. I nodded guiltily, since it would be pointless to try to deny it now.

“I told you this was going to happen, but no, you never fucking listen! I can’t believe you kissed her! She’s fucking married!” he exclaimed practically slamming the tray down on the table.

“I know that! Fuck! I made a fucking mistake, okay! But she rejected me so just let it go!” Sarah quietly sat listening to our argument. The poor woman probably didn’t know what to say or make of any of this.

“Her husband’s going to kill you when he finds out.”

“Do you know him?”

“No, but that’s what I would’ve done. I would kill another man if he kissed my wife,” he stated vehemently.

“Great,” I muttered with a roll of my eyes.

“Gerard, you have to stop seeing her,” he said.

“It won’t happen again. I’m not an idiot,” I grumbled.

“That’s what you said last time,” he pointed out.

“Gerard, he kind of has a point,” Sarah agreed with Ray. “Maybe it’s not such a good idea to keep spending time with her if she’s married and you have feelings for her.”

“I won’t make the same mistake twice!” I insisted. “I shouldn’t have kissed her in the first place. I know she’s married and she’s not interested, so can we just forget about it.”

“You won’t forget about it if you keep spending time with her.”

“Spending time with her doesn’t have anything to do with this,” I retorted.

Ray clearly had trouble reigning in his temper. “It has everything to do with this! If you haven’t been spending so much time with her, you would never have fallen in love with her…”

“But I did fall in love with her and there is nothing I can do about that now!” Sarah breathed in sharply at my declaration.

“Gerard, you know that under different circumstances I would’ve been happy for you, but…” Ray started, but I cut him short.

“Don’t, okay! Just forget it!”

Ray angrily grabbed the tray back off the table and stormed off, leaving me and Sarah in an awkward silence. My eyes caught movement from the entrance. It was Kat. Relief that she had not been there to witness what had just happened washed over me. She did not need to know about any of this, not until the time was right. My gaze followed her all the way over to the back of the counter where she put on her apron and began to help customers. Her movements were automatic and normally the smile she flashed customers, if she bothered, was a fake, but today there was something different about it, about her. She seemed happy and I couldn’t help but smile to myself.

“Is that her?” I had almost forgotten about Sarah. I nodded in response to her question. “She’s beautiful,” she commented, turning to face me. “Why her, Gerard?”

“What do you mean?”

“You knew she was married. Why did you kiss her?”

“I’m not sure. Ever since I first saw her, I’ve had this obsession, no, that’s not the right word, but there was something about her. I couldn’t get her out of my mind and at first I thought it was because she was like me, because I liked knowing that I wasn’t the only one in that position, but that wasn’t it. I don’t know,” I admitted. “We spent a lot of time together and we became friends. I didn’t even really think about the possibility of liking her as anything more than a friend until Ray mentioned it and by then it was too late. I guess, in hindsight, I should’ve seen it coming. She’s very beautiful and I couldn’t get away from her.”

“That still doesn’t explain why her.”

“She cares,” I shrugged not sure exactly how to answer her question. “A while back I was in the hospital and she checked up on me while I was there and afterwards. She takes care of me without needing to. It’s not just me she cares about either; she wanted to be a pediatrician which means she loves kids. Then there’s her laugh, which she rarely ever does which is very sad, but when she does it’s the most beautiful sound in the world. I’ve managed to make her laugh once or twice and it’s hard, but I can do it. I can make her laugh, you know, like make her happy again, because even though she’s always there for me there’s still this thing, like, she’s kind of in the same boat as me. She’s also taking care of her problems with alcohol, but not quite as much as I do. It not only tells me that she has her own problems, but also that she’s very strong, because despite whatever’s wrong, she’s still going. She’s still fighting to survive.”

“Wow, you really love her.”

“I’m getting there…fast.”

“Hey, Gee! Can I get you guys anything?”

I smiled at Kat’s cheeriness. “Hey, Kat. This is Sarah.”

She looked at Sarah and smiled. “It’s nice to finally meet you. Gerard talks about you a lot.” Warmness settled in Sarah’s eyes at her words. “The usual?” Kat asked, turning back to me.

“Yes, please. Hey, did I nearly run you over this morning or was that my imagination?” I checked, a slight crease between my brows, recalling my rush that morning.

Kat chuckled, “Yeah, you nearly floored me.”

I ducked my head guiltily. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay. I know what it’s like to be late for work,” she assured me.

“Technically I’m never late for work. I’m always just on time. I just have to do some cleaning up once I get there, because there’s no time for hair or teeth in the morning if I don’t want to be late.”

“So that’s how it’s done,” she noted amused. “Can I get you anything?”

“No, thank you. I should probably get going if I don’t want to miss my train back.”

“We haven’t spent enough time together yet,” I complained. “Can’t you stay a while longer?”

“Unfortunately I have class in the morning. I can’t even if I wanted to.”

“Fine,” I grumbled, hoping that she might take pity on me and change her mind. “Cancel my order.”

“Sure,” Kat nodded. “Am I seeing you tonight?”

“Definitely, same time as always.” I paid and followed Sarah out.

“She seems sweet. I can see why you like her and I think it’s very unfair that you’ve finally fallen in love, but that you can’t be with that person.”

“I’ll be fine. I’ve survived this far, haven’t I?” That was the sum of my feeble attempt to be positive.

“I’ve got my fingers crossed.” She turned to me with a smile. “I’ll see you the next time I’m in the city.”

“I’ll go visit you too some time.”

“I would like that. Thanks for the coffee and the company. I’ve never had a dull moment with you, Gerard Way.”

“I’m sorry.” I looked down at my shoes until I felt her pull me into a hug. “Take care of yourself.”

“You too.”

I left her outside her apartment and walked back to my own empty one.

*

“I am dying to know why you’re in such a good mood,” I told Kat, grinning from ear to ear myself, because her happiness was contagious.

“Finally I get to tell someone. I’m about to burst, because I don’t have anyone else to talk to,” she rambled eagerly. “The other day after we came back from Jersey, I found Dana waiting for me at home. I’m not going to bore you with the details. In short, we talked and we decided to work harder at our marriage. We are going to make it work. We’ve spent time together since then and we’ve talked a lot and it’s been great. This has definitely been the best weekend I’ve had in almost a year.” She was clearly overjoyed. I tried to be happy for her. I wanted to be happy for her, but I couldn’t help selfishly wondering what was going to become of me now.

“That’s great news. No wonder you’re in the clouds,” I managed to say with a big fake smile.

“I am very happy,” she assured me. “I never actually thought this would happen. Things are going to change. They’re going to be better now.” My heart kept dropping; it was residing at my feet by now. I didn’t even have the slightest bit of hope left for me. I had no chance with her, ever, and our friendship, what little we had, was probably also shot to shit. “Don’t worry about me abandoning you though,” she said as if in response to my thoughts. “Dana is still busy juggling both his job and his studies and he’ll most likely be busy most nights, allowing the two of us to still spend plenty of time together. You’ll just have more time to spend with your friends than you did before.” That’s the thing, I didn’t want to spend time with my friends, at least not time I could have been spending with her instead. “You’re still my best buddy, Gee.” She gave me her brightest smile ever and I relaxed. We were okay. Nothing was going to change between us. She was always going to be my Kat.

“Now,” Kat continued. “I’m tired of decaying in bars night after night. Let’s get out of here and do something fun. We can go to a club and dance. I haven’t done that in forever.”

“Sounds like a plan. I have a few moves.”

Her grin widened. “Good, then you’ll show them to me. Come on.” She dropped some cash on the bar top and got to her feet. “I know a great underground place.”

*

Kat dragged me straight to the dance floor the second we got into the club. I was surprised by how easily she flashed her fake ID at the bouncer outside. The music was extremely loud and pretty bad, but I soon felt the rhythm take hold. You had to dance. Everywhere sweaty bodies were moving to the beat, some too close to each other, they might as well have been having sex right there. It was kind of disturbing. Maybe I wouldn’t think that had the roles been reversed. Kat looked ecstatic as she danced, the euphoria of it all clear on her face. The overhead club lights played perfectly across her face, showing off her perfect bone structure and beautiful lips. Her eyes were closed as she moved to the thumping music, giving me an opportunity to admire her. I couldn’t believe it was the same girl I saw for the first time only a few months ago. One happy weekend completely changed her. She was so much more beautiful and even though the whole prospect and a reunion with her husband held nothing good for me, I couldn’t help feeling happy too. It was seeing her happy that made my chest swell. It was such a rare sight and I savored every moment.

“Come on, Mr. Way. Show me your famous moves,” she called over the music.

I smiled and put a little more effort into my dancing. Kat came to dance in front of me and my hands found her waist of their own accord. There was nothing weird about it, we were just dancing and she didn’t seem to mind. I could feel the movement of her hips underneath my hands, feel her slim curves sway from side to side with ease. She was a great dancer, never missing a beat. I gulped, quickly pulling my hands away to continue with my own thing. I had to avoid any temptation to kiss her again. I diverted my eyes everywhere but her.

She suddenly leaned forward and I froze. “I’m glad I met you,” she said in my ear. She was so close that I could smell her perfume. It suited her personality perfectly, soft and sweet, but intoxicating nonetheless. Her arms wrapped around my neck in a hug. I awkwardly hugged her back, since this was not exactly something I could handle right then. I wasn’t sure exactly how I felt about her. I knew that I was very attracted to her and that I cared about her a lot. The degree to which my affection extended was still in question though. Was I in love with her? If I was, how in the hell was I going to deal with those feelings without ruining our friendship? I was lost. One thing was for sure. She was never getting rid of me.

“I’ll always be here,” I quietly replied.

Chapter Text

Kat’s POV

My eyes slowly fluttered open and I instinctively shadowed them from the light streaming through the window. There was an all too familiar pounding in my head and everything spun when I sat up too fast. I groaned, grabbing my head with both my hands. I didn’t think that I had that much to drink the night before. Clearly I was mistaken. I dragged my body into the bathroom and took two Tylenols from the bathroom cupboard, swallowing them with a glass of water. Now all I needed was a shower and I’d be all set. The shower did wonders, washing off the night before. Going to a club had been a great idea. It had been a lot of fun. I hadn’t danced in ages and it had felt good to feel free again. After I got out of the shower, I noticed that it was only nine thirty. I might actually be on time for work again. When I reached the kitchen, my nostrils were greeted with the smell of breakfast. I entered the kitchen, surprised when I noticed the laid table and Dana dishing out pancakes.

 “I hope you’re hungry.” Dana grinned coming over and kissing my cheek. “I made plenty.”

I was awed and sat down at the table. “I’m starved,” I admitted. I was always hungry after a long night out and since I only got home after two that morning, I seemed to be extra hungry. “If you keep this up, I’m going to become spoiled.”

“Good, then I’ll keep spoiling you,” he told me, putting away the pan and opening the fridge to get the juice.

“Do you want a brat for a wife?” I asked while he filled our glasses with juice.

He chuckled. “I’ll take my chances.” He took a seat across from me and we both started eating. Dana without a doubt made the best apple pancakes ever.

“Oh, and I hope you don’t have any plans for tonight, because I’m taking you out,” he said, taking a large bite of his pancakes. “I have a table reserved for eight o’clock,” he informed me.

“Wow, you already have everything figured out. I wouldn’t be surprised if you have an entire itinerary set out for the week,” I joked.

“No, I’m not that far ahead yet, but maybe I’ll come up with one,” he smiled and I mirrored it.

After breakfast, Dana insisted on cleaning up and I left for work. The morning passed the same as any other morning which was super busy. Everyone came by Starbucks before going to work or during a coffee break or any possible time they could. I think some people simply didn’t have anywhere else to be and stayed there all day. As usual lunch time was a killer.

“Hey, Kat,” Gerard smiled once he reached the front of the line.

“Hey.” I returned his smile. “The usual?”

He chuckled, “Yeah, you know me too well.” I turned away from him to get his coffee ready.

“In the morning it’s black with three sugars,” Ray murmured, stepping past me to get to the espresso machine.

“I need the caffeine,” Gee replied and I noticed that they weren’t even looking at each other. “Hey, can I get a muffin too please?”

“What would you like?” I inquired ignoring the obvious tension between the two friends. It could only be over one thing.

“Whatever’s good.”

I handed him his coffee and a chocolate chip muffin and shook my head at his proffered money. “I’ve got you.” I was in a good mood and feeling generous.

“Thanks.” He shoved the few crumpled dollar bills back into his pocket. “What time do we meet tonight?”

“Oh yeah, I can’t go out tonight. I have other plans,” I informed him apologetically.

“Oh?” he said surprised.

“Dana is taking me out.”

“Oh!” Realization hit him. “Okay, well, have fun,” he said after a beat. I didn’t fail to notice how his face fell as soon as I told him that I was going to be spending the night with Dana.

“Sorry,” I apologized, unable to feel a little guilty. He needed to spend time with other people too though, besides, what was I supposed to do? I couldn’t blow off my husband to go out and get drunk with Gerard. We both had our own lives.

“What? No, it’s fine,” he assured me, back to his old self again. “It’s your husband after all. At least you’re not blowing me off for Ray,” he joked. I relaxed. He was okay. I didn’t have anything to worry about. A brief second in time from a while ago, when he had kissed me, flashed through my mind. What the hell was that about? We haven’t even talked about that. It was a lot easier to forget.

I cracked up, more to hide my sudden discomfort than at what he said. “Don’t worry. That won’t happen anytime soon.”

He smiled, “Good to know. I’m off. See you tomorrow.”

*

Gerard’s POV

Okay, so I wasn’t spending the evening with Kat. That gave me time to spend with the guys, because I haven’t done that in ages. It was about time I caught up with them again. As if the world planned it, I bumped into Bert and Shawn on my trek home.

“Hello, stranger,” Shawn greeted me heartily.

“What’s up, guys?” I smiled, genuinely happy to see them. These guys were my best friends after all.

“Oh, so you do know us?” Bert said sarcastically.

“What?” I was confused by his unexpected hostility.

“We don’t see you anymore, man,” Shawn explained, smiling apologetically.

I looked at each of my friends in turn, Bert with his constant greasy appearance and Shawn who was for once comfortably clad in a plain old jean and t-shirt and not his usual working clothes.  “I’m sorry, I’ve been busy…”

“With your new girlfriend?” Bert wanted to know. “The one you didn’t bother telling any of us about.”

“How do you…”

“Shawn saw you with her on Saturday,” he responded even before I could finish my sentence. He didn’t look happy with me at all and I wasn’t sure what his problem was. I haven’t done anything wrong. I couldn’t possibly have done anything to him when I haven’t seen him in almost weeks.

“A pretty girl with black hair,” Shawn inserted.

“She’s not my girlfriend.”

“You looked pretty close to me.”

“We’re just friends,” I insisted, because unfortunately that was exactly all we were, friends.

“What happened to bros before hoes?” Bert wanted to know.

“She’s not a ho’,” I growled defensively. Bert didn’t know Kat and couldn’t be talking shit about her. I wouldn’t allow that.

“You know what I mean,” he huffed. “You used to spend every night out with us and now this girl has taken our place?” He crossed his arms over his chest. Was he seriously sulking about not seeing me all the time anymore?

“You’ve changed,” Shawn agreed.

“I haven’t…”

“Did you forget about us or do you just not give a damn anymore?” Bert wanted to know not letting up on his pissed off act.

“Fuck you!” I snapped. I couldn’t understand why they were mad at me. Yes, I haven’t been spending all my time with them lately, but that did not justify their attitudes. “You are the last person on earth who can say anything about not giving a damn!” I told Bert lividly, remembering a time when he let me down. Neither of us was perfect. I’ve been hurt too.

“And what the hell is that supposed to mean?” he demanded even more angry than before, judging by his balled fists.

“It means that none of you so called friends called or visited or anything when I nearly died of blood poisoning. That girl you’re so quick to insult wasn’t even really my friend, but she checked on me to see if I was okay. She cared. Where the hell were you?” I demanded. “I used to think that you guys cared and understood me, but I’m really starting to wonder. Maybe you should think about that the next time you wonder why I’ve found different company.”

“Fine! If she’s so damn special, why don’t you just marry her and forget about us!” Bert shouted. “It obviously comes very easily to you. We’re only good enough until the next person willing to be your friend comes along.”

I couldn’t believe he said that. It was like someone had kicked me in the ribs. “I will!!” I screamed back, because I had no other words for that. “Believe it or not, but I actually love her! So you can go to hell if you have a problem accepting that!” I swallowed hard. This was not at all what I thought would happen when I saw them.

“Gerard, that’s great,” Shawn said, with a slight smile in between Bert and I’s shouting match.

“This is unbelievable,” Bert muttered throwing his hands up in the air. “Maybe you should just quit while you’re at it, because you know you’ll just screw this up too, like you do everything else.”

“Bert!” Shawn hissed sharply.

“No, it’s okay,” I said quietly barely phased by Bert’s words. Clearly the truth of what he thought about me was finally coming out. At least now I knew where we stood. “I’m a fuck-up, I know. I know I’ll fuck this up too. To be honest, I already have. Get this though, she doesn’t care. She was willing to give me another chance.”

“Remember that you only get so many chances, Gerard. How long will this girl stick with you?” Bert wondered. “But hey, your good old friends will be in the same place that you abandoned them the next time you’re desperate for someone to give a shit,” he said as he walked backwards before. “Because we will be here after she has had enough.” He spun around and walked away not even bothering to wait for Shawn.

“That’s Bert’s way of saying that he misses you.” The latter muttered, although even he knew that Bert had gone too far and that nothing he said could excuse his actions.

“Fuck him,” I grumbled, upset by everything he’d said.

“Do you really love this girl?” What? My brain slowly registered what he said and I realized that I had in fact admitted to loving her. That’s right, I loved Kat. I didn’t have to wonder about that anymore. I now knew with certainty that I did.

I gave a non-committal shrug. “It’s complicated.”

“I’m happy for you, man,” he hit my shoulder and smiled. “You deserve it. I should probably get going. The guys will be wondering about my whereabouts by now.”

“I’m sure Bert will fill them in,” I said bitterly.

“Like you said, fuck Bert, okay? He’ll come around eventually and go crawling back to you. You know how he is.”

“Whatever. I might see you later. I’ll probably join you guys for some fun.”

“Bert lost his cool for nothing then,” he laughed. “Alright man, see you later then.” We parted ways, him heading in the direction of our favorite bar and me in the direction of my apartment. I should have gone straight to the bar, I thought when I reached my apartment and found Mikey waiting for me.

 “Hey, I brought you some food, since I figured that you didn’t spend a lot of time shopping,” he informed me with a smile.

“Uh, thanks.” I unlocked the door and waited for him to walk in first. Mikey headed straight for the small kitchen area and started to unpack the contents of the brown paper bag. I eyed him suspiciously, not believing for one second that he was here to bring me food.

“I brought toilet paper too,” he informed me, holding up a roll of toilet paper.

I sighed, “Mikey, what do you want? Did Ray put you up to this?”

“Ray and I talked,” he admitted, pulling out some toothpaste and shampoo. “But he didn’t put me up to this.”

“Oh great, that just makes it so much better!” I muttered sarcastically. “Please, Mikey, if you don’t mind, I really don’t need another speech. I’ve had a real bitch of a day and I really don’t need my own brother hassling me right now, okay.” I grabbed a jacket, some money and my keys and made for the door.

“Now you’re going to drown your sorrows with alcohol?”

“I am,” I answered truthfully.

“Yeah, because that will really solve your problems,” he mumbled.

“I don’t have any problems. All I need is a distraction,” I told him, holding the door open and waiting for him to leave.

“Get a girlfriend, someone who isn’t married. Get another job or I don’t know… There are so many other useful things you can do other than turning to alcohol,” he stated, walking over and stopping in front of me.

“No thanks. I’m content with my current method and I don’t want a girlfriend…”

“Because you’re in love with her, right?” I pursed my lips. “I can’t believe you fell for a married woman,” he murmured, shaking his head.

“You know, I just wish everyone would back the fuck off,” I said angrily, staring ahead. “I am so fucking sick and tired of everyone preaching and lecturing me: Ray, you even Bert and Shawn, two people I never would’ve thought would turn on me. I mean, they are really the last people who can preach to me about my way of living. I’m fucking tired of everyone wanting to tell what I should and shouldn’t do. It’s my life! I have the right to live it the way I want to, don’t I? I just want to be able to live my life without every other person having a fucking opinion about it. Is it too much to ask of everyone to just back the fuck off and let me live my life in peace? All I want is someone to love me for me, to not judge every little thing I do!” I exclaimed miserably. “I swear sometimes I’m not even thinking about doing something and everyone’s already judging me because of it. I’m just so sick of it all.” I sighed. I was tired.

“That’s not what it’s about,” Mikey said defensively. “We care and we’re trying to help you.

I growled, waiting for him to walk out. I locked the door as soon as he did and stormed down the hallway.

“You can’t run away, Gerard!” I heard Mikey call after me.

*

Kat’s POV

At the end of the day I hurried back home and got ready to go out. I put on a pair of black leggings and a navy blue dress. There was a black belt with a large round, golden buckle around my waist. My short hair was combed down neatly for once since I always wore it spiky. Lightly done make-up and golden hoop-earrings rounded off the look. I was excited about the evening. I haven’t been on a date in forever and Dana and I haven’t spent a proper night together in just as long. My amazing husband wore black pants with a white button up shirt and his hair was neat as always. I could picture Gerard with his either spiky or messy hair. He’d probably wear jeans and a t-shirt too. I shouldn’t be thinking about him. Clearly I’ve been spending too much time with him. He was occupying a lot of my thoughts lately.

“Ready to go?” Dana asked and I nodded in response. I was thrilled by the appreciation in his eyes as he took in my appearance. I felt like a teenager going on a first date with the cute boy she’s been crushing on for ages.

We left the house and arrived at the restaurant just in time for our reservation. It was a fancy French restaurant with a name that I couldn’t even pronounce let alone spell. Dana was being the perfect gentleman: complimenting me at every opportunity that came his way, opening doors for me, basically making me feel like the most important girl in the world.

“You’re really pulling out all the stops,” I noticed smiling.

“I want everything to be perfect,” he stated.

“You’re not going to propose, are you?” I joked and he looked at me like I was crazy. “I’m kidding,” I assured him. “We’re already married, remember?”

“That’s what I thought,” he spoke. “No, I’m not planning on proposing again, but there’s nothing wrong with a romantic dinner for two. It’s the perfect opportunity for us to talk since we haven’t done that in a long time.”

“Oh yeah, we should pretty much get reacquainted,” I said jokingly, but he didn’t seem to find it funny. I took a sip of the champagne he’d ordered earlier, tough crowd.

“What’s been going on in your life?” he wanted to know.

“Nothing much,” I replied truthfully. “I still work at the Starbucks and then I go out and get drunk every night.” There was no point in lying about it. He already knew all of that.

“Any new friends?”

I shook my head, “No one wants to talk to a drunken married woman.” I don’t know why I felt the need to hide my friendship with Gerard from him, but I did. He didn’t have to know about Gerard. I didn’t want a repeat episode of the other night when he accused me of cheating on him. Dana wasn’t exactly the most secure person around. “What about your life?” I asked, eager to get the focus away from me.

“I’ve been really busy…” I could only imagine with what… or who. “I might have my degree by the end of next year and then I’ll take my dad’s company to a whole new level,” he finished.

“How did you and Carrie get together?” I wondered.

“Do we have to talk about her?” he wanted to know and I could practically see the dark clouds roll over his mood. Great going, Katherine. Way to ruin a perfectly good night.  “I told you it’s over so can we just leave it please? It’s in the past and I’d like to leave it there.”

“I’m just curious,” I replied innocently. “So?”

He sighed, “She’s in charge of the company’s marketing. We weren’t even together. We had a few lunches together, that’s it.”

I nodded, not wanting to poke and prod any further. I knew for a fact that it had been more than a few lunches, but maybe it wasn’t quite as bad as I had imagined. A simple office affair that didn’t go beyond Dana’s desk, I could forgive that. Plus, I didn’t want to fight about it at that point either. He was trying so the least I could do was give him the benefit of the doubt. I must’ve spaced out for a second, because when I came out of my thoughts, Dana’s face was only inches from mine. Then he kissed me, softly. I could feel the tingles run down my spine at the connection of our lips.

He pulled away and smiled. “I should definitely do that more often.”

I giggled happily. “Definitely.” Just like that, the somberness of our conversation was gone and we could enjoy the rest of the night without any issues.

*

Gerard’s POV

I sat at the bar, downing one drink after another. All the guys were happy to see me again and for a short while they kept me occupied, but once the real drinking began, I found myself glued to the bar and none of my friends even thought to find that strange. After all, that was how they knew me.

She was out with her husband. Forgive me for not liking that. He was her husband and I was just me, so I had no right to be jealous, but I was. The jealousy was eating me alive. The realization that I loved her did not help the matter at all. It only made it that much worse. I could only imagine what they were doing. They were probably having a romantic dinner and then they were going to go home and he’s going to make use of the opportunity and… Fuck, I didn’t even want to think about it, because the thought of what they might do was driving me crazy. I knew he was her husband and that they probably did it often, but I really didn’t want to think about it. Why the hell did she have to be married? I felt sick and it certainly had nothing to do with the alcohol.

“I’m glad you’re here tonight,” Shawn grinned, sitting down next to me and pointing to the barman to get him a beer. “We’ve really missed you.”

I faked a smile, unable to tear my thoughts away from Kat. “Yeah, I missed you guys too.”

“Probably not Bert since he’s a douche bag,” he said quietly so only I could hear and I chuckled lightly.

“Here, have a beer on me,” he offered.

Bert simply glared at me from a few feet away. He was obviously still pissed about our little encounter that afternoon. He had no reason to be. If anyone had the right to be angry, it was me.

The beer and alcohol wasn’t enough to help me forget about my misery. Not even my rowdy friends were distraction enough. My mind kept returning to Kat… and her husband… and what they were possibly doing. I became more and more depressed as the night progressed. Once the alcohol killed all my rationality, I decided to take my last resort and walked over to talk to Bert.

“What do you want?” he grumbled, not looking at me.

I cleared my throat and whispered something in his ear. He looked at me surprised for a second and then he frowned again.

“Please, Bert. I’m desperate,” I begged.

He nodded and grabbed my hand, dragging me towards the bathroom. Once there, he checked all the stalls to make sure that they were empty before turning back to me.

“Okay,” he stated. “But you’ll owe me, big time.”

I nodded, “Of course.”

He then proceeded to stick his hand in his back pocket, producing a little plastic bag with the magic white substance that I desperately longed for, but haven’t used in a very long time. It was kind of ironic: since meeting Kat, I’ve somehow been better, drinking less, barely taking any antidepressants and definitely not doing drugs, but now it was knowing her that made me resort back to some of my old ways.

“I don’t know what’s in this, but this is a special batch: it’s really good,” he informed me excitedly. “Guaranteed to fix any problem and pick you up out of the dirt.”

“You sound like a fucking supplier. Just give me the drugs.”

“Anxious much? Shouldn’t that follow the use of this?” he said a little teasingly and I rolled my eyes. I wasn’t in the mood for his bullshit. All I wanted was to feel better.

During the next few minutes both of us got a fix before cleaning up and returning to the rest of the crowd. Soon the effects started to kick in and I felt better. I was laughing loudly along with everyone else; I was downing drinks as if my life depended on it and doing other random shit. Bert was even more of an asshole than usual, hitting on random women and I think he even hit on a guy at one point. It was insane. I forgot about everything and knew that I wouldn’t remember anything of this night the next morning.

*

I was right too. The next morning I was nauseous and dizzy as hell. I hated the aftereffects of drugs. I woke up lying sideways on my bed, half of my body not even on the bed. All my muscles were stiff, probably due to the position I had slept in. I dragged myself up with a lot of difficulty and shuffled towards the bathroom. I stopped halfway there, noticing a random girl sleeping on my couch. Guess I made a friend the night before. I continued towards my destination and finally stopped in front of the bathroom mirror.

“Hello, Gerard,” I greeted the familiar reflection. “Welcome back.”

Chapter Text

Bottles of pills littered the bathroom cabinet when I opened it. It wasn’t too difficult to find what I was looking for, my anti-depressants, of which I couldn’t ever pronounce the real name. I popped a few pills into my hand and made my way to the kitchen, fishing out half a bottle of cheap whiskey from the back of the fridge. The liquor bottle practically opened by itself and soon I was gulping down my meds. The kettle was already busy boiling water. Now all that was needed were two clean coffee mugs and that seemed to be the biggest problem that morning. Eventually I gave up looking and instead washed out two mugs standing around the kitchen area and was finally able to make some deliciously strong black coffee. Somehow managing to juggle the two full mugs of coffee and the bottle of whiskey, I walked over to my sleeping visitor. Unless I planned on waking her up with my foot, which was sure to end in a disaster of coffee and whiskey and Gerard everywhere, I had to put everything down on the little coffee table in front of the couch. I bent over the sleeping girl and gently shook her shoulder. She startled awake nonetheless.

“It’s okay. Relax,” I hurriedly stepped back with my hands slightly up as if to show that I wasn’t going to hurt her.

She instantly relaxed. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“I was about to say the same thing.”

She slowly sat up, making sure to keep the jacket in place so as not to show any unnecessary skin. “Sorry about this,” she said embarrassed, looking down at herself. “It’s…”

“Okay,” I assured her. “Coffee?” I held out one of the mugs to her and she took it gratefully.

“This is embarrassing,” the girl muttered, sitting up straighter and readjusting the jacket covering her body. I offered her some whiskey and she held out her coffee mug. It was the only way I could think to help her feel better about the situation. I tipped the top of the bottle over my own mug, took a swig from the bottle and then my coffee.

“I’m sorry, I don’t actually remember anything that happened last night,” I apologized.  “I should probably know your name…” I had no idea who she was. She had large brown eyes, nicely tanned skin and her black hair was long and messy after the previous night’s activities.

“My name’s Meagan,” she said, offering me a smile.

“It’s nice to meet you, Meagan,” I said sincerely. I didn’t know her, but she seemed nice enough. “I’m…”

“Gerard, I know.” Meagan took a sip of her coffee and shifted. “We met last night.”

“Sorry,” I ducked my head guiltily. I could feel a numbness slowly start to fill me.

“That’s okay,” she assured me. “You were a bit of a mess.” I looked up at this. “I came up to you, tried to make conversation, but you weren’t interested and then your friend Bert swooped in.” Now it all made sense and it should’ve been clear from the start. Bert was the only person who would bring a girl to my place and then bail before she woke up. I should’ve known. “I know what this must look like.” She was embarrassed again. “I didn’t go out last night with the intention of sleeping with some random guy I picked up in a bar. I’ve never done that and I never will. I went out with some friends and it was simply to have a good time. You need to have some time outside of work to have fun,” she explained. I rolled my eyes, because no one understood that better than I did. “Like I said, I tried talking to you, I mean, there’s no problem with trying to get to know a good-looking guy, but you kept rambling on and on about some other girl named Kat which would have been fine, because I didn’t mind listening, it’s just that you seemed so sad.” I frowned deeply, because I never knew that I could be a miserable drunk, always rowdy, never miserable. I had probably made a fool of myself in front of this sweet girl, leading to her falling prey to my friend. “I didn’t particularly enjoy that, because you’re much too young and you seem too good to be that sad, but what do I know?” She chuckled uncomfortably. “I don’t know you.” She sighed. “Then Bert showed up all grumpily, but he turned on the charm and then things just got completely out of hand so I woke up here.”

“Are you okay?” There was a glimmer of humanity in me after all and Meagan looked like she needed a hug. Of course I wasn’t going to go that far.

She offered me half a smile. “I’m naked in a stranger’s house whom I didn’t even go home with and I’m having whiskey for breakfast.”

I shrug apologetically. “I don’t really have much else and I don’t exactly know how to make this situation any better.” I sighed. “Sorry about Bert. He’s a jackass for leaving you here.”

She handed me her empty mug and I put it down on the coffee table next to where I was sitting on it. “Maybe it’s better that way. What were we going to say to each other anyway? Besides, like I said, I would’ve preferred you.”

I smiled bashfully. “Sorry to leave you, but unfortunately I have to get to work, that’s if I still have a job. You’re welcome to take a shower before you go. My brother brought groceries yesterday so feel free to fix yourself some breakfast. Basically, make yourself at home.” I stood up and went to my room to find something to wear that wasn’t completely disgusting. On my return to the living room, I noted that Meagan was making more coffee.

“Thanks, Gerard. I appreciate everything.”

“I haven’t done anything. Oh, and when you leave, just leave the key on the sill about the door.” I said goodbye and left for work. I didn’t stop by Starbucks or have time for anything else. I was already an hour late and was naturally given a warning by my boss. I wasn’t bothered by it either, because in the last week it was one of the least terrible things to happen to me.

When lunch finally rolled by, I was starving and stopped by Starbucks for coffee and muffins, having a cigarette on the way, two cigarettes actually. For once Ray was not there, but Kat was and I approached her with a smile.

“Gee! I was wondering when you would drop by. What can I get you?” she said cheerily.

“Coffee and two chocolate muffins please.”

“I’m on it.” She turned to complete my order and began talking as she did. She was happy, not blissfully happy yet, but with each passing day the sparkle in her eyes became brighter. Her smile became more and more real, the corners of her beautiful mouth reaching higher every day until they reached her eyes. Her cheeks had more color in them and as a whole she looked healthier. Then there was her laughter that also occurred more frequently lately, such a beautiful sound to my ears even if it wasn’t because of me. I wasn’t the one doing all this. She wasn’t happy because of me. It was all due to the reconciliation between her and her husband. Kat had hope. She was talking about the future.

As the days wore on things got worse. Things between Kat and her husband got better and better and things with me kept going downhill. Anti-depressants were my new best friend and they came hand-in-hand with alcohol, which meant that I was day-drunk almost all the time.  I didn’t sleep much anymore. Food was barely worth a thought and I practically ate my cigarettes. I was spending all my time with Bert and the guys too, leaving Kat to spend her time with her hubby. I didn’t feel anything about it anymore. I didn’t care that Kat was back with her husband. I didn’t care that she barely spent time with me, after all, it was my choice. I chose to distance myself from her by spending more time with the guys and less time with her. It was for my own good, it was. Then why the fuck did I feel dead all the time?

“Here’s your coffee. Just the way you like it,” Kat smiled. Maybe I should isolate myself completely, become a hermit. That way I can’t hurt anybody and they can’t hurt me. Had Kat hurt me by going back to her husband? No, I was fine. This didn’t bother me. I had gotten over my crush on her. I had my own life to live, a life away from her. This was simply me being me. I was a wreck long before ever meeting her.

“Thanks,” I muttered and paid, with the intention of simply walking away. I was rude, yes, but this was the only way to ensure that I didn’t get dragged back in. I couldn’t allow myself to expect something again. I let myself fall once before and look where that got me. Sure, at first she was a good influence on me, sort of, but now I was worse off than I’ve ever been, and yeah, I couldn’t really blame her for that, it were my own choices that brought me here, but still, she wasn’t blameless in all of this. What happened the next time I let her in – not that I ever really did, aside from spending most of my days with her and letting her meet my grandmother and fighting with Ray and Mikey about her all the time – would she lift me up a little from the ruins again and then leave me to die? Okay, maybe I was being a little over-dramatic, but the point was, next time I might go too far and not be able to turn back. Right now I was barely surviving and I knew that. I knew how bad things were. I was a mess. I’ve practically hit rock bottom, not yet, though. I was still clinging on, keeping it together if only barely.

“Gee, wait!” Kat hung halfway over the counter in an attempt to stop me. I froze in place, willing myself to keep on walking, but then I found myself turning to look at her beautiful face. I couldn’t deny her anything. “Can we meet up tonight?” she asked, looking hopeful, almost anxious. I couldn’t say no even if I wanted to. If she needed me, I’d be there even if the only thing she wanted from me was someone to share her happy marriage with. I would listen.

“Sure. I’ll see you tonight.” I turned and left the shop, stopping right outside it to pull out the little bottle of pills in my jacket pocket. Hello, my babies. I popped two into my mouth and swallowed them with the help of the scalding hot coffee in my hand. The contents of the small flask in my other jacket pocket soon found their way into my half empty coffee mug. I couldn’t very well show up at work with a bottle of alcohol. The coffee/whiskey cup found a resting place on a nearby newspaper stand while I lit up a cigarette and called Mikey.

“Hello?” he answered on the fourth ring.

“Hey, little brother. What about lunch?”

“Gee, yeah, sure. Meet you at the corner?” There was a nice little take out restaurant down the street from the bookstore where Mikey worked. It’s become a regular meeting place for us. Since I told Mikey that I was spending less time with Kat, next to none actually, our own relationship has been better. He thinks I’m cleaning up my act. Even Ray was a little more amenable.

Half an hour later, Mikey and I were sitting down in the little restaurant waiting for our food. It was easy to tell that it was spring and the cold of the winter was fading. People weren’t wearing thick jackets anymore and I was grateful for that. You could move a lot easier without that shit and I hated the cold. It was too synonymous with somberness, that grim feeling you got when you thought of a funeral. It was over now.

“You look terrible,” he commented, looking at me worriedly. “Are you okay?”

Truthfully, I was day drunk and probably a little more than that. “I think it’s the change of the seasons. I might be coming down with something. I have been feeling a little off.” I’ve been feeling a little lost, a little dead.

Mikey looked at me suspiciously. “Gerard, are you okay? You can tell me, you know?”

I could tell Mikey, but then he’d worry again and that would complicate everything. I put on my best smile, my eyes crinkling at the corners as if to emphasize how “okay” I was. “Of course. What’s new with you?”

The waitress brought our food, Mikey having ordered a salad and me a BLT baguette. To top it off, we had sodas.

“There isn’t much to tell, only, maybe, that I met a girl.” His cheeks flushed at his admission and I couldn’t help myself from grinning broadly. My little brother was in love and he was being all cute and shy about it. It was adorable to say the least.

“Tell me about her,” I requested eagerly, more than happy that the focus wasn’t on me anymore, but most of all happy for Mikes for meeting someone special.

“Her name is Thelma. She’s an assistant at the doctor’s office or rather more like a secretary,” Mikey explained. “She’s a Pumpkins fan…”

“Marry her!” I joked, knowing that Mikey would consider it too, because he was the biggest Pumpkinhead and anybody else who was remotely interested in the Smashing Pumpkins was already his best friend by default.

“Hah ha,” he said sarcastically. “No. She’s a year older than I am, but I have no problem with that. And did I mention that she loves bad old Japanese films?” He was excited about that little piece of information.

“Here I was thinking that you were the only one,” I muttered through a sip of soda and a bite of my baguette.

“Me too!” he exclaimed. “Clearly I’m not alone. So obviously we have a ton of fun doing that. Also, she totally rocks out on Guitar Hero. I can’t beat her.”

“Mikes, are you sure this girl is real?” I teased. “She sounds too much like you to possibly be real. I’m worried about you.”

“Fuck you, okay, she’s very real and we’re already going on our third date tomorrow.”

“Congratulations, little bro. I’m happy for you!” I said sincerely. “Figures that my little brother would get more action than I do.”

*

I was busy putting on my jacket when there was a knock at the door. I walked over, pushing my arm through the last sleeve, before opening the door. It was Kat.

“Hi,” she smiled. Her smile was sincere, yes, but I didn’t completely believe it. There was something more behind it than just a good feeling that she might be experiencing at that specific point in time. “Sorry for showing up out of the blue like this. I know I’m early, but I figured I might as well pick you up on my way to the bar.”

“That’s cool. I was about to head out now anyway.” Something was up. That was probably why she asked to hang out tonight?

“Great!” Kat jiggled her keys and turned to walk back the way she came with me short on her heels.

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you,” I said while we walked down the stairs. “I mean, aside from when I’m at Starbucks. It’s been a long time since we’ve actually spent time together.”

“Roundabout two weeks, I know and I’m sorry. I’ve been… It’s been…hard,” she admitted. We stepped out of my apartment building and walked up the street to where she parked her car. “Things haven’t been exactly the way I expected them to be.” We got in the car and she started driving towards our destination. “I’ll be honest, the reason I asked you out tonight is that I kind of need someone to talk to and frankly I don’t know anyone else.” Her eyes were focused on the road, but I could tell that she was anxious to talk to me and for a moment I allowed myself to feel good about that. She needed someone and she came to me.

“I told you, you could always come to me with anything. That hasn’t changed.”

“I know.” She pulled into a parking lot at the bar and turned off the engine. “We’ll talk once I have something to drink.” She was in a hurry to get inside and order a drink. Something was definitely off. The bar was still pretty much empty with only the sounds of the jukebox and two guys playing pool.

“Talk to me,” I told her, suddenly feeling sober. Her problems were more important than my own. I would be of no use to her in my intoxicated state. I simply ordered a beer and waited for her to tell me whatever was bothering her.

“You know, when Dana and I decided that we were going to give our marriage another shot, I didn’t nearly even begin to imagine how hard it would be,” she said in disbelief, dropping her head down onto her hand and looking up at me sadly, but still managing to force a smile my way. It was sad to say the least. I could never be that strong. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s been great,” she continued. “I’m happy.”

“I’ve noticed,” I said with a small smile even though my insides clenched together.

“The thing is that too much has happened before we reached the point of reconciliation. Dana has his demons and I have mine and fighting them has been… impossible. What I’m doing now, sitting here with you and having this drink, having had this drink,” she said, since her glass was already empty. “It’s such a major setback for me, but I decided that it would be worth it. I needed this drink badly and I needed more than anything to talk to you.”

I motioned to that barman to refill her glass, because one drink was obviously not enough at that moment. “What are you talking about?” She wasn’t getting to the point.

“Forget it. I’m rambling,” she said, dropping her hands on the bar top and avoiding making eye contact with me. “You have your own problems.”

I huffed, “You’re kidding me right? You can’t still, after all this time, think that. Yes, I do have my own problems, but we’ve been through some shit together. Don’t you think we’re past the point where we keep our problems to ourselves? Tell me.”

“Dana asked me to kick my drinking habit.” The words came out in a rush of air even though she was a lot calmer than she had been when we first came in. Maybe it was the drink that had made the difference. “Naturally of course I was all for it initially, but everyday has gotten harder. It’s hell, Gee,” she sighed. “I want to get clean. I want to be sober. If I don’t, this will never work and I need this to work.”

“Why?” I couldn’t comprehend why she was killing herself for something that was clearly not worth it. If it had been, they wouldn’t have had to work so hard at it. They wouldn’t have reached a point where they would have had to change their entire lives to fit together again.

“He’s my husband and I love him. We have so much history together. Dana is my life.” Kick a man while he’s down. I wanted to scream, but on the other hand, I felt bad for her. If being with Dana made her happy, I wanted that for her. All I ever wanted was for her to be happy. Also, I agreed with the idea of her getting clean. She never should have been in this situation of having to get sober. That was another reason why I didn’t understand why she wanted so badly to reconcile with her husband, he was a shitty husband. If he had been any kind of a real husband, who actually loved his wife, he would have taken better care of her and never let her get so far gone. Who was I to judge? This was her choice and I would do my best to help and support her.

“You’ll be fine, Kat. You can do this. I believe in you. Dana wouldn’t have asked you to do it if he didn’t believe it. Now all that’s left is that you believe that you can.”

She chuckled humorlessly. “It’s easier said than done. I never realized how bad I had it. I thought that simply going cold turkey would do the trick, but instead I find myself drinking secretly and that’s no way to go about it. It’s not fair to Dana, especially since he’s already buried his skeletons. He’s done his part. He’s still doing his part. He’s treating me like a princess.”

“He should, because you deserve it.”

“I’m twenty years old. I should be at college having the time of my life. I should be at Yale, studying for a degree that would help me fulfill my dreams while also making my parents proud. I shouldn’t be sitting here so completely dependent on alcohol that I can barely go a day without having a drink.” Her eyes were sad, her shoulders were sagging and she wasn’t touching the new drink I had ordered her. She was serious about this.

“It’ll get better.” My phone rang, interrupting the speech I was about to give her. “Hello?”

“Gerard?”

“Mom?” I wasn’t expecting my mother of all people to call me. She called me every now and again, but this was completely unexpected. I hopped off the barstool and walked outside where it was somewhat quieter. “Hey, Mom.”

“You need to come home,” my mother’s voice cracked over the phone again.

“Is something wrong? Is it Dad?” Now I was really worried. What the hell was going on?

“No, no, it’s nothing like that. Mikey called…” Oh, great!

“Mom, I’m sorry,” I apologized before she could reach the part where he ratted me out.

She sighed. “It’s okay, Gerard. We love you and we want to help you. We’re going to support you through this.”

“Mom…” I was about to lie, say something about how I was super busy and that there was no way I could go back to Jersey right now, but I didn’t get the opportunity.

“Come home, Son.” I guessed that my dad had taken the phone from my distraught mother. Now everyone knew my secret. The damage was done and I couldn’t take it back.

“I’m sorry, Dad. I can’t,” I whispered that last sentence and hung up. I forgot about having gone there with Kat and instantly found myself heading for Mikey’s place. I couldn’t believe he told our parents. He had no right. If they hadn’t been worried before, they would definitely be going out of their minds now.

I reached his apartment in almost no time at all. I banged my fist on the door. “Mikey! Open up! We need to fucking talk. Mikey!” If he wasn’t my brother, who I loved more than anyone else in this world, I would strangle him as soon as he opened the door.

The door finally swung open and Mikey stood there with a bored look on his face. “I take it you talked to Mom?”

“No, you talked to Mom,” I said accusingly.

“I keep talking to you, but you won’t listen. I thought maybe you would listen to our parents,” he tried to justify himself. “You think I don’t know that you’re still a mess, but I do.  I still worry. Katherine wasn’t the main issue, Gerard.”

I breathed in sharply when he mentioned her name. How little he knew. Kat was the main issue. She was the reason for all of this. I’ve never been happy with my life in general, but the situation with Kat was the cherry on top. It was the push I needed to crack.

“You’re spiraling and I’m worried that you’ll become suicidal again.” The worry on his face was clear and I felt guilty for putting him through all of this. He was the best brother anyone could ever ask for, he was my best friend. He deserved better from me.

He was right. I was spiraling. I hated my job. Kat’s reconciliation with her husband was getting me down. The people in my life, including my friends, weren’t enough anymore. I was losing it. The entire year that has passed came crashing down on me, from Bert’s hospital stay, to my own, to people disappointing me and letting me down, being lonely all the time, all the fights and arguments, hopes being dashed, my life going nowhere. Nothing was changing. I was simply going from bad to worse over and over again. It was like a vicious cycle or a never ending nightmare and I was stuck. I had no future prospects and I was pushing everyone away. Mikey was disappointed in me, which was bad enough on its own, but now my parents knew, too, and I couldn’t bear looking them in the eyes again, knowing that I had broken their hearts. I was going to die alone at this rate and it might even be sooner than later considering everything I’ve been taking and the amounts of alcohol I’ve been drinking. I could feel my chest constricting and finally my knees buckling beneath me.

“Gerard!” Mikey yelled worriedly. My shoulders started to shake. Tears left wet streaks down my cheeks. A long year of pent up emotions was finally breaking through to the surface. No one could keep everything bottled up forever and I’ve reached my limit. Through a blur of tears I noticed Mikey squatting down to my level and I felt him put a hesitant hand on my shoulder.

“I’m lost, Mikey,” I confessed. “I’m so fucking lost,” I cried, forcefully pressing my palms to my eyes. “All this time I’ve known, but… Fuck.” More sobs followed. Mikey sat down next to me on the floor and pulled me closer. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“It’s okay, Gee. You’ve got me. You’re not alone in this.” He tried to calm me down.

“You can’t help me.” I looked up at him through my tears. “This is all me and I’m not strong enough. I can’t…” I breathed in deeply. “I can’t do it. I just can’t,” I whimpered and he hugged me tightly. “I’m a lost cause.”

Chapter Text

Gerard’s POV

I was busy putting the finishing touches on one of my recent projects. I only had a limited amount of time to finish my work after all. I wasn’t complaining. I would work day and night in order to finish on time, if that was what it took.

“Gerard.”

I looked up. It was a man in about his early fifties with slightly silver hair. The laughing wrinkles at the corners of his eyes gave away the hearty person that he was.

“Uncle Paul.” I grinned up at my favorite uncle. “What are you doing here?” I couldn’t help asking, stepping out of my cubicle to greet him properly.

“Your parents told me they were coming to see you so I thought what the hell, why not?” he grinned broadly, patting me on the shoulder.

“My parents?” My eyes grew wide. This was it. They were going to try to convince me to go to rehab and therapy and who knew what else?

“Yeah, I told them I’d come get you while they waited outside. Come on.” He was eager for me to come along, but I hesitated, afraid of how my parents would react when they saw me. “What are you waiting for?”

I recovered from the initial shock of my parents’ suddenly being in the city. “I’m at work, Uncle Paul. I can’t exactly just take off.”

“Oh, right. Well, we thought we’d at least be able to lay claim to your lunch time.”

I felt too guilty to let him leave like that. “Hold on. I guess I could let someone cover for me then I can leave with you now until the end of lunch. That will buy us about another forty five minutes.”

“Great!” he grinned happily. “That’s perfect.”

I asked one of the guys to cover for me before following the man out to where my family was waiting. They stood talking and pointing at one or two buildings.

“Hey, look what I got you,” Uncle Paul exclaimed, causing my parents to turn around.

“Mom. Dad,” I said awkwardly, staring at them staring at me.

After we stood like that for a while, my uncle clearly wondering what the hell was wrong, my mom was the first person to move. “We’ve missed you.” She hugged me tightly, more so than usual. I was grateful, but also scared. My parents knew everything now and that killed me. I feared what they might think of me. “Happy birthday!” she said, tightening her grip.

“Yes, happy birthday,” my father spoke. “These last twenty four years have been a blessing with you in our lives and we just want you to know that we’re very proud of you.” I pulled away from my mother and looked at my dad with my heart in my throat. That’s the only reason they were here. It was my birthday.

“Golden father son moment,” Uncle Paul muttered nodding.

“Is that why you guys came?” I had to be sure. The bomb might still drop.

My mom gave me a look that she used to give me when I was a little child, a look of wonder, like “Why would you possibly think that Mommy and Daddy don’t love you?”. “Why else would we be here?” she wondered.

I glanced at my dad and I could see it in his eyes. There was another reason they wanted to come. They wanted to check on me, see how bad things really were.

“Anything else can wait for another day,” he assured me with a smile. I let out an inward sigh of relief. They weren’t here because of me, well, they were, but only because it was my birthday. I felt my lips twitch upward in a genuine smile.

“That’s better,” Uncle Paul said. “Now, are we going to let Mikey wait or are we gonna get going?”

Things were a little awkward all through lunch. It wasn’t easy to ignore the elephant in the room. I was an alcoholic and my parents knew. We hadn’t discussed it yet. I dreaded the moment when we would. At least Mikey seemed to be on my side by not bringing up the damned subject. Instead we enjoyed lunch, remembering previous birthdays and such. My uncle Paul was a real conversation maker or, I should rather say, a clown. He could make anyone laugh even in the worst situations. There was a reason he was my favorite.

Afterwards, Mikey and I took them all back to the station where they would catch a train back home.

“It was good seeing you, boys,” Dad said and Uncle Paul agreed wholeheartedly. “We don’t see you enough.”

“The big city is keeping them too busy. The work, the ladies,” Uncle Paul joked. Mikey blushed, because he’s been dating a very nice girl who was practically a female version of him. It seemed to be going well between the two of them which made me happy.

“Not me,” I said proudly. “Life’s easier without them.”

“Can’t live with them, can’t live without him. Trust me,” Uncle Paul chuckled. This time it was Dad’s turn to agree.

“Watch it you,” Mom warned Dad playfully. “Okay, it’s time to go. You two need to get back to work and we need to get home.” Mom rushed my dad and my uncle along. “See you boys again soon.”

“Have a good day. Also a good year to you, Gerard,” Dad said his goodbyes.

“Yeah, he’s growing old now,” Mikey teased and I hit his shoulder.

The three of them got on the train and Mikey and I walked back the way we came. The streets were busy as usual, but fortunately we weren’t too far away from our work places.

“Thanks for today,” I told him.

“What for?”

“I know I was upset that you told Mom and Dad about me, you know, my addictions and stuff. I might have overreacted. I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay.” He dragged his finger along the wall we were walking by. “I think it’s time that you get it into your thick skull that we all care and we’re not going anywhere. You’re stuck with us for good, dear brother.” Mikey put an arm across my shoulders, smiling at me.

“I don’t mind,” I smiled. “Hey, Mikes, there’s something I have to tell you. I quit my job.”

“What?”

“Everybody wants me to clean up my act and the only way I’ll be able to do that is to remove the things from my life that are driving me towards the alcohol and I seriously hate my job. I can’t tell you how much. I handed in my notice a while back and I have about three days of work left. I’m not sure what I’m going to do once it’s over, but I had to leave.”

Mikey squinted ahead, not saying anything at first. He seemed thoughtful, thinking over what I had just told him. “I’m good friends with my boss and we always seem to be short-handed. I might be able to get you a job at the store,” he offered.

It was the last thing I had expected, but I was grateful for it. “Thanks, Mikey. I appreciate it.”

“And I’m glad you’re trying.” The truth was that I wasn’t actually trying. This was all just a convenient excuse for me to quit. I had no intention of changing yet. Maybe later in life, but right then I was content with the way things were. However, Mikey didn’t need to know that.

Kat’s POV

I sat at the bar in one of the dives near the Starbucks that I worked at. I wasn’t drinking anything aside from a glass of water. I wasn’t even sure exactly what I was doing there. Maybe it was because the atmosphere had a calming effect on me considering that this was the type of place I came to every night for almost an entire year. It has become some sort of comfort zone. Aside from the one or two miserable drunks by the bar, the rest of the people were having a carefree evening with friends, drink in hand.

It was strange being there alone. I’ve become used to Gerard always being there to keep me company. To think that there was a point in time that I did almost everything I could to push him away. I didn’t want or need the added complication. I was surviving well enough on my own. Now he was an inseparable part of my life. The last couple of months of my life would’ve been a lot different if he hadn’t been a part of it. Talking to him, despite being intoxicated most of the time, has been enlightening. He was beginning to influence my perspective on things in general, but also on my own life. It was a good thing, but it didn’t make my life any easier, because it affected the way I handled situations in my life. It complicated the reconciliation of my marriage. I didn’t concede to everything Dana said or wanted. We were more equal now than we would’ve been otherwise. Before I met Gerard I would’ve done anything to make things work, the difference was that now things also had to work for me and not only for Dana.

Lately, something has been off with him, though. He was never around anymore. We didn’t meet up at night. He barely said anything when he came to buy coffee. It was completely unlike him. He used to change his entire demeanor when he was around me, always being attentive in whichever way was necessary. It was like he didn’t care anymore. That wasn’t even it. I’ve noticed him taking pills too and that wasn’t something that I was used to him doing. Something was definitely wrong, but he wouldn’t tell me. I’ve asked, but I’d always get a “Fine.” even though I could tell that he was far from it. Perhaps I was finally beginning to see the real Gerard.

On the other hand, there was no point in me sitting there, wondering about what was going on. I had my own things to deal with. I had a husband waiting for me at home. I stood up from the bar stool and found my way outside, to my car. When I arrived home, Dana was already dishing up food from Chinese fast food containers.

“I was wondering when you were going to get home,” he said, walking over and giving me a kiss. “I was in the mood for Chinese. We can get something else if you’d like.”

“No, Chinese is good,” I assured him, getting a plate from the cupboard and grabbing a spoon from one of the little boxes. “How was your day?”

Dana sat down at the kitchen table and started eating. “Busy. It wasn’t bad, though. My dad and some of the partners are away for a few days on business so the rest of us are neck deep in everything that remained. I’m not complaining. It’s good to stay busy.”

I nodded, sitting down next to him and digging into the noodles on my plate.

“How about your day?” he wanted to know.

I shrugged. “It was just another day like every other.”

From the corner of my eye I noticed Dana pause and look at me. “Is everything okay? You were home pretty late. Where were you?” He didn’t even try to hide the suspicion from his voice.

“Everything’s fine.” I didn’t look at him while I spoke. He wouldn’t understand if I told him that I had been at a bar. “It was just a long day,” I shrugged it off like it was nothing. We finished the rest of our food in silence. Ever since I was supposed to start getting clean, things have been a little tense between us. I was extremely irritated most of the time which caused me to snap easily and Dana wasn’t handling that very well. He didn’t understand that the change wouldn’t simply happen overnight.

“Were you out drinking again?” Dana asked just as I put away the last dishes.

“No.” I spun around to look at him astonished. I understood where he was coming from, but a little more support would’ve been nice.

“Then why does it smell like you’ve just come from a bar?” He looked like he would rather do anything than ask me that, but unfortunately it had to be done. I looked down guiltily not really sure why, because I hadn’t done anything wrong. Dana sighed deeply. “Why? I thought we agreed that you were going to stop. I mean this marriage is going to take both of us to make it work.” I watched him pace about the kitchen and use his hands while he talked. My heart sank with every word. “I’ve done my part. I’m doing my part. Do you have any idea how much time and effort it takes to do my degree and work at the same time?” he asked, looking at me directly. “It takes a lot out of a man, I’ll tell you that. It doesn’t even have to be that way, but I’m doing it anyway, because in the end it’s what’s best for you. Quite frankly, I’ve given up a lot, almost everything, for you. All I ask is for a little effort in return.”

“That’s not fair!” I exclaimed upset. I couldn’t believe the audacity he had to act like he’d given up so much while I haven’t given anything in return. I’ve given up a lot more than he ever would or could. He had no right to imply that I wasn’t doing my part to keep this marriage going. On the contrary, I’ve given up everything, my family, my own dreams, even my pride, and I had put up with a lot of shit from him. “I’ve also given up a lot for this.” I motioned between us. “And I’m doing the best I can. Yes, I was at a bar, but I didn’t have anything except a glass of water. I haven’t had anything to drink all day.” I felt like crying when I put out my hand to show him how much I was shaking as a result of that. This wasn’t fair and it definitely wasn’t easy. I could only do so much. I was tired and I felt miserable. I’ve recently become aware again of the reasons I started drinking in the first place.

“I’m tired, Katherine. We both are. This hasn’t been easy for either of us. Maybe we should take a break, you know, stop trying so hard.” He turned and walked away from me. This was not happening. We couldn’t be nearing the end. I let out a strangled sob, unwilling to believe that it could be over just like that. No!

I followed Dana to our bedroom where I found him sitting on the bed looking forlorn. “I’m sorry,” I said quietly, sitting down next to him and hugging him close. “You’re right. I’m not trying hard enough, but I will. We’ll be okay.” I lifted his face and kissed him, a searching almost begging kiss. “Dana.”

His arms came up and locked around me. He suddenly kissed me back fiercely, his hands moving down to my waist and gripping me firmly. We were going to be okay. This was all we needed. No more fighting. We needed to focus on the things that worked. This worked. The last tears dried on my cheeks as he lay me down on our bed.  His kisses seemed desperate and I could tell that he needed this as much as I did. His grip on my thigh was almost painful, but it was okay. I would do anything for things to be okay. If this was what he needed then I would gladly submit to it.

*

I woke up to the shrill ringing of my phone. My hand blindly reached out in the dark not finding anything until I opened my eyes.

“Hello.” I answered groggily.

There was a crackling sound and a lot of noise in the background. “Kat?” The sounds of cars, people and slightly heavy breathing.

I sighed quietly, looking over to Dana’s sleeping form. I slowly moved away from him, being careful not wake him as I got out of bed and made my way to the bathroom, shutting the door behind me.

“Kat? Are you still there? Kat?”

“I’m here.” I whispered.

“I thought you hung up on me.” Gerard slurred over the phone. “I’m sorry to bother you this late, but I need your help.”

This time I allowed myself to sigh deeply. “Gee, I can’t. Not right now.”

“There was a huge mess over here at the bar and I desperately need a ride.”

“Gerard, I can’t. You shouldn’t have called me.”

“Please. I have no one else to call. No one else will come.”

He had no idea what he was doing to me. It was the middle of the night and my husband was asleep. I couldn’t simply sneak out to go pick up my drunken friend, because it would end in disaster if Dana ever found out. There was too much at stake.

“Kat.” What would happen if I left him there?

“I’ll be right there,” I said sighing once again. I snuck back into the bedroom and found some clothes, quietly getting dressed and leaving to pick up Gerard.

I pulled up to the sidewalk where Gerard was seated with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. It took him a while to realize that it was me. Finally the passenger door opened and he all but crawled into my car only by some miracle not spilling any beer in the process.

“You came.” He sounded so relieved.

“You called. I couldn’t very well leave you to your own mercy.” I could hardly hide my annoyance. It was not that I didn’t want to help him. I would always be there for him, because I knew he would do the same for me. His timing was just terrible.

“Thanks,” he coughed, taking another swig of his beer. I didn’t need any light to know that he was shattered. He needed me a lot lately. He’s become a real mess as of late and I couldn’t understand why. Still he refused to tell me. No personal questions was the deal between us after all.

“Rough night?”

He nodded in response, probably not in much of a condition to answer in any other way.

“I can tell,” I muttered. “You should drink less, Gee.”

He snorted, staring out the window as I drove to his apartment. “That’s ironic coming from you.”

“I’m serious.”

Gerard shifted in his seat, turning to face me. “Why is it that every time one of us is sober, we don’t like the other drinking?” His words rang true. I could remember him worrying about me before too.

“Maybe because we’re able to see what it’s doing to the other person and we don’t like it?” I offered. “And maybe because I still don’t get why you do it.”

“I told you…”

I gripped the steering wheel tighter, cutting him short before he could finish his sentence. “No, you gave me an excuse. You can choose not to live like this anymore any time you want. The sooner the better, because it’ll make your life a lot easier down the road. Trust me.”

“It’s not that simple,” he disagreed looking away again. “I’ve tried getting clean before. I’d rather die.”

“In that case your wish will be granted, because at the rate you’re going, you won’t reach twenty five.”

“Then I have one more year.”

My eyes quickly darted towards him. “Today is your birthday?” I asked quietly. I had no idea. When he didn’t say anything, I continued. “Happy birthday, Gee. If I had known I would have gotten you a gift or something.” I wasn’t even sure that he was listening to me anymore. He kept his eyes on the buildings we passed and he didn’t say anything. “I hope twenty four is a better year than the last and that it will be the highlight of your life so far,” I sincerely wished him.

He exhaled loudly. “How much further?” It was strange of him to ask me how much further it was when we were heading to his place. He should have known. Then again I wasn’t sure that he took any notice of anything around him at the moment.

“We’re here.” I pulled up to the curb and put the car in park.

Gerard opened the door, muttering a “Thanks” before falling out and pretty much landing face first on the sidewalk. It made me wonder how many times before he’d been there.

“Shit,” I cursed under my breath, quickly undoing my seatbelt and getting out, hurrying around the car to help him up. Before I could get to him, he started throwing up which, in my opinion, was a good thing. It would help to get the toxins out of his body or at least most of the stuff that he took in during the night. I stepped back and let him finish only then did I help him to his feet, supporting him all the way up to his apartment. “Give me your keys,” I demanded, knowing full well that he wouldn’t be able to unlock the door himself. It was a struggle for him to just get them from his pocket. I took the keys and unlocked the door, finding the light switch and letting light fill the room.

Gerard staggered into the room nearly tripping over the rug lying in the middle of the floor. He took his shoes off, dropping them right there on the floor before collapsing onto the couch. Now that we were inside and bathed in light, I realized in what a bad shape he really was.

“Gerard, what the hell happened to you?” I exclaimed worriedly, rushing over to his half passed out form. His left cheek was bruised and swollen, there was a cut above his left eye and there were still traces of dried blood beneath his nose.

“We were out having fun, you know, like we always do when Bert and Joe got into an argument with these other guys, over girls of course.” He coughed. “Shawn tried to get in between them and when I tried to help, I just made things worse and in the end there was this huge bar brawl. Fists were flying all over the place and then they kicked us out, threatening to call the cops. Of course the other guys didn’t wait for them to make good on their word. Some of them have already had a few too many run-ins with the cops. That left me and I didn’t know what to do so I called you.”

“You shouldn’t have called me,” I told him, walking away towards the bathroom in search of something that I could use to clean him up.

“I know.”

“I can’t deal with this right now. I have enough problems of my own,” I spoke, returning, armed with the first aid kit that he miraculously had. “You know that Dana and I have been having problems and how hard I’ve been working to make our marriage work. This definitely isn’t helping the matter.” I climbed over his stretched out legs and sat down next to him, looking through the kit for something to clean his cuts with.

Gerard sighed deeply. “I know.” He winced when I dabbed the cotton ball dipped in antiseptics to his busted eyebrow. “That’s why I was relieved when you came.” That was all he said, but I could tell that there was a lot more to his words than the literal meaning. However, I was in no state to try to figure out what he was trying to tell me. Instead I merely focused on cleaning his wounds. He shut his eyes while I cleaned the cuts, breathing slowly, deeply. When I reached his busted lip, his eyes opened and he stared at me intently. He looked almost completely dazed, but even so, his mouth opened and his lips moved to say, “I love you.”

I love you. A drunken love confession from a drunken fool or maybe he wasn’t as drunk as he pretended to be? The fact of the matter was that it was the last straw. After everything… He loved me. My stomach turned and my chest constricted to the point where it felt like I couldn’t breathe. “I’m done.” I got to my feet and headed for the door.

It’s not like I was an idiot. I wasn’t blind. I knew that Gerard cared about me, but I had hoped that he would care enough to the point that he would keep it to himself so as not to hurt me. Maybe that was just a little too much to ask. How many times were we going to have to do this?

“Kat, please!” He stumbled to his feet and looked at me pleadingly. What did he want from me? I was married.

“You don’t even know what you’re saying!” I said on the verge of hysterical. He was drunk. He didn’t, he couldn’t mean it. And I couldn’t take it. “I can’t deal with this right now,” I whispered, turning around and storming out of there as fast as my legs would carry me, leaving a dazed and probably broken Gerard behind. It was all I could do. Escape.

My feet automatically took the shortest route to the nearest bar where I plopped down on a barstool and ordered a whiskey on the rocks. I haven’t had a drink all day and it was way past the point of trying to take it easy. I needed something that would immediately take my breath away, something that would work its magic as soon as I drank it.

Gerard couldn’t possibly love me. He didn’t even know me at all. He didn’t know my family, my background, where I came from. He didn’t know my secrets. He had no idea how I got to where I was. He had no idea what drove me forward, what motivated me or what broke me down. Everything I’ve been through, all that I’ve experienced in my life was a complete mystery to him. This random feeling he called love was everything but love. At most it could be a feeling of attachment, an emotion he experienced because we used the same methods to cope with our problems and therefore had something to “bond” over. That was it, we were hardly friends.

My drink was placed in front of me and the bartender gave me what he probably hoped to be a comforting smile. I pulled the glass of alcohol closer, holding it tightly. I didn’t really want to do this. I was making progress and Dana would be so disappointed if I gave in to the temptation. I let out a long, deep breath.

For the most part, people had no idea what love was. I’ve seen it. I’ve experienced it more than once. People lied. Telling someone you loved them was only a way to get what you wanted. My experience with love has been very disappointing which has left me skeptical. It wasn’t fair to the people who might actually mean it, unfortunately that was the way it turned out. People sucked and they let you down. But Gerard wasn’t like everyone else. He always came back regardless of whether I pushed him away or did something terrible. He always came back. He never gave up on me even when anyone else would have a long time ago. Without him I would’ve been alone by now. The question remained, did I trust Gerard?

I picked up the glass and brought it to my lips, gulping down its contents. It didn’t make me feel better about myself. It didn’t even make me feel better about the last five seconds. It had quite the opposite effect actually. I dug through my pocket and finally slammed the money for the drink down on the counter before walking out, not allowing myself another second of weakness.

When I arrived home, I noticed that some of the lights were on. It was almost one thirty in the morning. It’s been almost two hours since I left to help Gerard. Dana was probably going out of his mind. I found him rummaging through the fridge presumably for something to eat. There was already an empty ice-cream bucket on the table. The kitchen itself kind of looked like it had been hit by a hurricane.

“What are you doing?” I asked still standing in the doorway. That was when he first became aware of my presence.

“I think the better question is where the hell you were,” Dana countered.

I wasn’t sure what to tell him so I lied. “I needed some fresh air. I needed to clear my head in order to think.” I shrugged.

“It’s the middle of the fucking night! You can’t just get up and leave. Aside from the fact that it’s dangerous, you left without saying a word to me, your husband, remember?” He was angry, not that I could blame him. “Is this the kind of insanity that I can keep expecting? It’s unacceptable. You’re my wife, and I have a right to know where and when you’re going. At the very least you could have called and saved me the worry. Instead I wake up alone in bed, in an empty house, because you decided that you needed fresh air,” he ranted. “You were gone for a long time. Let me guess, the craving for alcohol won over your attempts to get clean.” He paused and looked at me where I stood nervously, guiltily. “Katherine, did you drink tonight?” He was giving me a chance to deny it and I could have, but what other reason could I possibly have had for staying out so late after sneaking out. The truth was that I had had one drink. It wasn’t a good thing, but it was better than trying to explain the Gerard-situation.

“I had one moment of weakness,” I admitted quietly.

He threw his hands up in surrender. “What do I have to do? What more do I have to give?” he demanded, stopping in front of me. “Tell me, Katherine!” he practically shouted, grabbing me by my upper arms. “You’re trying my patience. You’re pushing me, testing me and you should stop,” he threatened, shaking me. “We are not going to be together forever. This can end right now if that’s what you want, but I won’t play the fool any longer.” I could almost feel his anger intensifying with each passing second.

“It was only one drink. I made a mistake,” I tried to placate him.

“It’s always just one drink, one weak moment, one everything. You just don’t get it!” The tone of his voice was rising and his grip on my arms was starting to hurt. “This will never stop until you do. Nothing will change unless you want it to. Do I have to spell it out for you??” It seemed like he had reached breaking point and I shut my eyes tightly, waiting for the impact. I couldn’t understand my reaction to his anger, because Dana has never been abusive, aside from that one incident. The situations were completely different and so was the timing. There was no way he would hurt me. With that reassurance in mind, I slowly opened my eyes. Dana was breathing heavily as he frowned down at me. “You thought I was going to hit you, didn’t you?” he said disbelievingly. “What kind of a husband do you think I am?” Dana stepped back, away from me.

I slowly let out the breath I hadn’t even realized I was holding it all while trying to slow down the erratic beating of my heart inside my ribcage. “No, Dana, I didn’t. I know you wouldn’t.”

“This is ridiculous,” he said dismissively. “What are we doing?”

My heart sank with sadness at what he was trying to say, but the feeling was replaced by worry when I saw blood coming from his nose. “Dana, your nose.” I meant to step forward and help him, but he hurriedly turned away from me, grabbing his nose.

“Shit… It’s nothing, I’m fine,” my husband of the last year and a half muttered.

“You’re not fine. You’re bleeding. That’s not normal.” I wished that he would let me help him if only to make sure that he really was okay.

“It’s all the stress of everything that’s been going on and like I told you earlier, it was a long day.” He sniffed and seemed to be okay for the time being. “Look, Katherine. We’re both tired and kind of wrecked so why don’t we go to bed and we’ll talk in the morning when we both feel better and are in a better state of mind?” It wasn’t a question.

“But…”

“Good night, Katherine,” he said firmly, leaving the kitchen and heading upstairs.

I waited for the sounds of his footsteps to die away then pathetically sagged down onto one of the chairs. Whether it was out of relief or misery, I wasn’t sure, but one thing was sure, I’ve never felt that way before and I never wanted to feel that way again.

Chapter Text

Kat's POV

The house was quiet. I woke up alone, not unlike what I’ve been doing for about the past year. Attempting to fix my marriage was a way of trying to change that. For a little while things had been good and I had woken up with my husband. It was amazing how fast things happened. One moment we weren’t talking and then we seemed to be back on track right before returning to square one. Where I woke up alone. On the couch.

After the fall out with Dana the night before, I didn’t go back to bed. Instead I sat on the couch, mulling over my life until sleep finally won the battle sometime around three in the morning.

I jumped when my phone rang and hurriedly answered it. “Hello.”

“Katherine, great you answered. I was worried that you wouldn’t pick up.” It was Ray not that I had any idea why he would be calling. Of course it was about work. “I have a huge favor to ask you. My sister went into labor and I’m on my way to the hospital. Unfortunately I have the late shift today. Is there any way that you could take my place? I would really like to be here when the baby comes, but there’s no telling when exactly that would be.”

“Sure, I’ll do it.” It wasn’t like I had anywhere better to be at that time. I was still in my process of sobering up. The late shift will keep me away from the bar. It wasn’t like I had anyone to spend my time with, considering the fights with the only two people in my life that mattered.

“You will?” He sounded surprised. “Thanks a lot. I owe you big time!”

“You can lay off of me for a while,” I half joked.

“Deal! I’ll leave you in peace for at least the next week, I promise.” He seemed to be extremely grateful, even though I was kidding about the whole thing. I wasn’t going to complain, though. It would make my life somewhat easier without him breathing down my neck all the time.

After Ray hung up, I made my way to the bedroom and tiredly fell down on the bed, letting out a deep breath. I tried to think where it all went wrong. When did I make the wrong decision that ended up bringing me here? It wasn’t getting pregnant before having a life. It wasn’t getting married at a young age. I had still been happy after those choices. The first mistake I made was not saying anything when I first found out about Dana and Carrie, not the decision to forgive him, but the decision to keep the knowledge to myself. Maybe if I had confronted him about it, things would’ve been different. Or maybe that was nothing more than wishful thinking.

A few more minutes of sleep would do wonders for my state of mind, I thought, stretching. My hand came into contact with something tucked under Dana’s pillow. When I pulled my hand back to see what it was, I was holding a woman’s shirt and it definitely wasn’t mine. I never thought he’d be so stupid to bring his mistress home and to use our bedroom… And what the hell was she wearing when she left? It couldn’t be her shirt, because I had it in my hand. No wonder my pillow smelled different. Dana had brought Carrie here after he promised me that he had ended it. That lying, cheating bastard.

To be completely honest, I wasn’t even really surprised. I guess I kind of expected it. When he wasn’t being a jerk, he’s been trying a little too hard to make things between us work. I couldn’t help wondering how many of his late nights had actually been spent studying and how many were spent with her, the same with his weekends.

It hurt me.

I heard the front door open and realized that a few tears had managed to escape.

“Katherine?” It was Dana.

I hurriedly wiped my eyes. He didn’t have to see me in a vulnerable state. He didn’t have to know about my discovery. I guess history had a way of repeating itself.

“In here,” I responded, getting to my feet and shoving the shirt back beneath the pillows.

He came into the bedroom not a second later. “I was hoping I’d catch you.”

“You did?” I pretended to be curious as to why he would be looking for me.

“Yeah,” Dana said quietly. “I wanted to apologize for last night.” He looked sincere, but then again he’s probably had a lot of practice. “I realize that things got out of hand.”

I snorted lightly. Saying that things got out of hand was a bit of an understatement.

“I shouldn’t have acted the way I did and attacked you like that and I’m sorry.”

I shrugged off the entire thing. “It’s fine.”

“Is it?” The fact that he believed that astounded me even more than I already was. How could he possibly think that it was okay? How could he not tell that I was anything but fine?

I nodded, keeping my face as expressionless as I could when I told him, “Yeah, don’t worry about it.” I don’t know when he became so angry and that worried me. On the other hand, he was still cheating on me and that hurt. In that moment the hurt outweighed the worry.

“I would like to make it up to you.” He reached out and touched my arm, searching my face for an answer.

“It’s really fine, Dana. Forget about it.” I shrugged him off. “I have to get to work,” I said, turning away from him and grabbing my bag. Everything I would need was already in there.

“Okay then. Love you.” He leaned in to kiss me, but I turned my head and let his lips connect with my cheek. I would probably be the second person he kissed that day.

“Yeah.” That was all I said before leaving. I didn’t confront him about his tell tales. I didn’t say anything. I knew I should have, but then what?

Running away from Dana meant that I was at work early, but I didn’t hesitate to get busy, because I needed to keep myself busy. Unfortunately, serving coffee wasn’t exactly rocket science and it didn’t do much to keep my thoughts away from the bad stuff. It wasn’t like my mind came up with any solutions either. I couldn’t run away, because I didn’t have anywhere to go. Divorce was out of the question, because…”

“Katherine, right?” I was pulled from my thoughts. I looked up into the face a guy with dirty blonde hair and glasses perched on the tip of his nose. “I don’t know if you remember me. I’m…”

“Mikey, Gerard’s brother.” I put on my friendly face. The fact that I was furious with his brother was no reason to take that anger out on him. I didn’t miss the slightly surprised look on his face when I told him I remembered. “What can I get you?”

“Black coffee, two sugars please.” I nodded and turned to the coffee machine behind me, grabbing a cup and filling it. “Actually, coffee isn’t the real reason I’m here.”

I pulled out two sugar sachets and placed them on the counter in front of him along with the coffee, looking at him expectantly.

“I wanted to talk to you about Gerard.” My first thought was that something had happened to him. Maybe he’d done something stupid after I had left him the night before.

“What about him? Is he okay?”

“I wish I could say yes,” Mikey started ruefully. “But unfortunately I can’t, because my brother is throwing his life away. I’m sure you’re aware of his problems with depression and alcohol.” Nothing new. I failed to see what any of that had to do with me and how it was in any way my problem. “The thing is, my brother is trying to pull himself together.” Clearly he hasn’t seen his brother lately. The Gerard I saw the previous night definitely did not want to pull himself together.

“He recently quit his job, because it didn’t do anything to help him with his problems aside from contributing to his negative feelings.” I frowned, because I had no idea that he had quit his job. Why would he do that? From what I could tell, he loved drawing. “Honestly, I think that if he wants to get back on track he needs to cut out everything in his life that gives him a reason to stay the way he is and that includes his friends.” Realization dawned on me, but I refused to believe it until his next words confirmed it. “Maybe you can do Gerard a favor and stay away from him.” Mikey finally got to the point.

“Excuse me?” I couldn’t help feeling insulted.

“I don’t blame you for the situation my brother is in.”

“Good,” I spat out annoyed. “Because I’ll have you know that your brother was a train wreck even before I met him. I dare say he got better after meeting me.”

“He also got worse, worse than he’s ever been before.” His answer came immediately. “And I hate to say it, but you’re the only thing that’s changed in his life in the last few months.”

“Me and you,” I didn’t hesitate to tell him, because he forgot that he only moved to the city quite recently as well.

Mikey frowned and I could tell that I was trying his patience. He clearly expected this to be an easier task. “I just don’t think that he needs any encouragement to continue the way he is. That’s exactly what’s going happen if he keeps spending time with you.”

I shook my head in disbelief. “I can’t believe you. Gerard trusts you with his life. Do you think that you deserve that trust when you’re going behind his back and asking his friends to turn their backs on him?”

“Be reasonable,” Mikey begged. “I know you care about my brother. I know that like me you only want what’s best for him.”

“Don’t kiss my ass,” I snapped angrily. That was the only thing he was trying to achieve with that last sentence. “Yes, I do want what’s best for Gerard, but our opinions on what that is are completely different. How can you decide what’s best for Gerard? Maybe you should trust Gerard to know what’s best for him and to make his own decisions.” I was mad at Gerard, but right then I was angrier at the audacity his brother had to come here and act so self-righteous. Mikey was in no way better than Gerard.

Mikey snorted. “Yeah, because that’s working out great for him.”

“You think getting his friends to abandon him is going to help, friends that might be just what he needs to help him through all of this? They’re the only support structure he currently has and they’re the only ones keeping him from going completely off the rails.”

“Not the ‘friends’ he currently has,” Mikey disagreed.

“And those ‘friends’ include me?” I wanted to know. Of course it did.

Mikey grumbled in aggravation. “Look, all I want to know is whether you’re going to stop seeing him or not?”

“No,” I told him firmly, not breaking eye contact. “And if any of his friends are worth the title, they will tell you the exact same thing.” I turned away, dismissing him. “Maybe just not as nicely,” I muttered. I waited until I heard him sigh angrily and walk away. I turned back just in time to see him leave.

Damn the way brothers for ever coming into my life. My life wasn’t great, but I handled it and then I met Gerard and everything turned upside down. Now I couldn’t rid myself of them. That proved to be truer than not when Gerard showed up later that afternoon to harass me.

Gerard's POV

“I don’t want to talk to you.” Kat said dismissively, not even looking at me and simply continuing to serve coffee.

“Kat, I’m sorry…”

“I’m busy.” She clearly wasn’t going to give me the time of day. The worst part was that I knew this was going to happen. I knew she would hate me as soon as I told her that I loved her and I wasn’t wrong. I couldn’t even blame her. I had been way out of line. If only she would let me apologize.

“Five minutes please.” I was desperate. To the point where I haven’t had anything to drink all day. Alcohol only ever got me into trouble.

She stopped in front of me and I could read in her eyes how upset she was. There was a storm brewing in those beautiful blue eyes.

“Maybe you misunderstood. I don’t want to see you right now.”

“I can understand that you’re mad…”

“Yes, I’m mad!” she snapped. “Why wouldn’t I be? You told me you loved me knowing that I’m married! And that after you knew what would happen considering that time you kissed me.”

“I know and that’s exactly why I need you to let me explain,” I begged.

“What can you possibly say to change what happened?” She asked dubiously. “I’ll tell you what. Nothing. Because you never should have done it.”

“I know and I’m sorry!”

I knew that she would be mad, but this was a lot more than I expected. She took an order from someone in the cue and proceeded to make the coffee before handing it to the customer.

“Gerard, I’m busy and I’m not in the mood so could you please just go?” She asked me almost tiredly.

“All I ask is five minutes.”

She sighed loudly, turning away from me and getting something from her bag.

“Look, Gee,” she started turning back. “Ray isn’t here, something about his sister having a baby or something and that’s why I got the late shift. Now,” I watched as she opened a small yellow bottle and removed some pills from it. “You wouldn’t believe how messed up everything is right now. My husband and I had a huge fight last night and I’m going to go ahead and blame it on you, because it’s your fault that I had to participate.” She paused in order to swallow the pills with the help of some water. “So now I’m mad at you and at Dana, and I can’t believe I have to work the late shift.” She muttered this last part mostly to herself. “As you can tell I’m tired and upset and quite frankly you barking up my tree isn’t helping.”

“All I need is a minute. If I can’t convince you of how terribly sorry I am and that I would never ever make the mistake again, you can forget all about me.” The words were out before I could stop them and I instantly regretted them. I wouldn’t put it past her to cut me out of her life like I said if I couldn’t convince her not to. That would definitely kill me. If only she wasn’t so angry at the world.

“Fine!” she gave in. “Fine.” She pulled off her apron and violently shoved it under the counter. “Max, I’ll be right back,” she told the guy working the shift with her. “Well, come on.” She impatiently led me out the back door and turned to face me.

“I’m sorry about what happened last night. I was drunk and I wasn’t thinking straight.”

“So then you don’t love me?” She asked.

“I do!”  I sighed deeply knowing that I couldn’t win this fight even if I wanted to. “I know I shouldn’t, but I do love you.”

“You know, you can’t just say stuff like that. You don’t know me.”

“But I do. Kat, I’m the only person who does.”

“Why?” I could hear the slight tremble in her voice. “You think because we both take care of our problems by dousing them with alcohol that we’re the same? We’re not.”

“Kat, look at me.” She did. “Look into my eyes.” Fearlessly, just like her, she looked me dead in the eyes and at that point in time for the first time in my life I let someone see right inside me. I bore my soul and she could see everything.

The raven-haired beauty looked away quickly, staring down at the pavement.

“Why would you do that? Why would you let me see that?” Her tone was almost accusatory.

“I wanted you to know that I really do understand. You and me, we’re the same. I’ve known it since the first time I saw you. Like me you bear scars on your soul where no one can or will ever see them. That’s why they don’t get it.”

She shook her head dismissively. “You’re broken, Gerard.”

“I know.”

She looked up at me with sad eyes and I was disappointed, yet not surprised to see that she was still fighting it.

“You really need fixing.”

“Yeah,” I sighed again. “I know.”

Kat breathed in deeply. “I can’t do this. I just can’t.” With that she headed back inside and I knew that it was over.

One good thing came from all of this. Now that Kat was out of the picture, the hardest decision I would have to make from now on was whether I would get drunk by myself or with the guys. Tonight I would fly solo. I had to be sure that I was somewhat in the right state of mind. After all, the woman I loved just turned her back on me.

Stocking up on alcohol for the night was quick and I also bought some cigarettes since I seemed to be out of those all the time too. My face still hurt like a bitch from the beating I took the night before, but that was all Bert’s fault. He damn well owed me a shit load by now, considering every time I’ve cleaned up after him. There was a knock on the door. Speak of the devil and he doth appear. Sort of.

I walked over to the door and opened it to reveal a pretty girl with onyx colored hair and big brown eyes.

“Gerard.” She seemed relieved to see me.

“Uhm, Meagan right?” I checked not sure if I remembered correctly. I was suffering through one of my lows when I met her a couple of weeks ago.

She nodded. “I’m sorry to bother you, but I kind of needed a favor and you’re the only person who can help me.”

“Me?” I was surprised. How on earth could I possibly help her? I couldn’t even help myself. Why me?

She looked so brave when she opened her mouth again to say, “I’m pregnant.”

“Oh.” I didn’t know how to respond to that. It’s not a situation I thought I’d ever find myself in. “Do you want to come in? I’ve got…” I was about to say alcohol, but then remembered that she was pregnant. “Coffee?”

She smiled wanly. “I appreciate it, but actually all I wanted was Bert’s number. Don’t worry, I’m not going to ask him for anything. I know I didn’t plan this, but I’ll be okay. I can take care of myself. I just think he deserves to know. He should at least have the choice whether or not to be a part of his child’s life.”

“Sure.” I hurried to pull out my phone in order to give her Bert’s number. I felt bad for her, because I doubted that Bert would care. He was in no position to become a father right now, especially unplanned like this. Chances were that he wouldn’t even remember her. If it would help her, in any way, I would provide her with his number though. It was the least I could do.

“Thanks.” She put away her own phone after having typed in his number.

“Sure. Good luck and, you know, if you need any help or something, I’ll probably be here.” I wasn’t even sure why I was offering her my help, but it felt like I had to for some reason. It was in no way my responsibility, but it felt like I had a part in all of it. It was ridiculous, I knew that, but maybe if it was the only good thing I would ever do in my life, it would be worth something.

Meagan suddenly stepped forward and hugged me tightly. I reflexively wrapped my arms around her even though the action took me completely by surprise. “I’ll be okay.” She offered me a reassuring smile before walking away down the hallway. I slowly shut the door behind me, still having a hard time digesting what just happened. Bert was going to be a dad. Shit.

There was another soft knock on the door and I instantly opened it, expecting that Meagan had come back again, but instead I was greeted by Kat standing just outside my doorway. I was about to invite her in, but she started talking before I could get a word out.

“You know, you can’t tell me you love me out of the blue.” She stormed past me into my apartment, turning swiftly to glare at me. “You have no idea what you’re saying.”

I was stunned by her sudden appearance and then her almost verbal assault.

“You can’t even begin to realize how upsetting those words were and not because I’m married.” I was unsure of whether she was angry with me or the situation in general. “Yes, that too, but my experience with love…” She let out a short breath. “People who tell me they love me always end up abandoning me.” And just like that all her fight was gone. “My parents. Dana.” Her anger had never been directed at me.

I walked over and led her to the couch where she sat down, staring into space for a long time and I wished more than anything that I could know what she was thinking in that moment.

“All this time I’ve been bugging you for an answer, a reason as to why you are the way you are,” she quietly began. “But I never gave you mine.”

“It’s okay,” I assured her, not wanting her to tell me something that she wasn’t ready to, or maybe reliving something that she didn’t want to.

“I never told you my entire story. Instead I’ve been getting angry with you for every little thing you do, because you didn’t get it, but how could you when you didn’t know?” She wasn’t really making sense and I waited for her to continue. “Remember that I told you that I met Dana when I was sixteen and that we started dating soon after that? I guess you can say my story begins there. We were young and in love, both from wealthy families and our futures all set. Nothing could stop us. He was at Columbia and would eventually take over his father’s company. I would be going to Yale to study pre-med and eventually become a pediatrician. Our parents were so proud, especially since their perfect children happened to end up together. Things couldn’t be better.” She looked nostalgic talking about her past. “I had the perfect life, for a while anyway.” She shifted on the couch in order to look at me. I would have offered her something to eat or drink, but I was afraid that if I did, she would stop talking and that I would then never hear the full story.

“About a week before my graduation, I found out that I was pregnant. Everything came crashing down around me, my hopes and dreams, everything. Dana was pretty mortified as well. It wasn’t something we had planned. It wasn’t something we had expected to happen. It’s not like we were stupid and failed to take the necessary precautions. We did. Something somewhere simply didn’t serve its purpose. Neither of us was ready for the responsibility nor the sacrifice it would mean. The part I had dreaded the most though was telling my parents.” I was shocked. There was a baby? She has never mentioned her child before. It’s only ever been Dana this and Dana that. She looked down at her hands momentarily before carrying on with her story. “I waited until after graduation to actually tell my parents. They flipped out, obviously. They were respected people and now their youngest daughter was pregnant before finishing school. I disappointed them, so much so, that they kicked me out of the house or should I rather say that they all but disowned me. So much for parents loving their children unconditionally,” she said sadly, but rolling her eyes in an attempt to make it off as nothing. The sad look on her face made room for a deep frown. “Dana’s parents took the news a lot better. They were devastated, but they chose to be good parents and support their son,” Kat explained bitterly. I could see why she lost herself and turned to alcohol.

“Barely a month after my graduation, Dana and I got married. It was a nice wedding and I was happy. Sure my parents and I weren’t talking anymore, but I was marrying the guy I loved and we were going to have a beautiful baby. Dana’s parents were nice enough to even buy us a house in the city. Of course, certain things weren’t going to be going according to plan anymore. I wouldn’t be able to go to Yale anymore. Dana went to work at his father’s company, because we needed an income. He would take evening classes in order to complete his degree. Despite Dana’s misgivings, I got a job as a secretary at one of the middle schools. It was only to keep me busy and it was extra money we had in a month. We could use it to help raise our child.” She was right, I had no idea. I didn’t know her at all.

“We became used to the idea of becoming parents and at one point started looking forward to it. We had just found out the gender of the baby when…” She paused, taking a deep breath. I wanted to reach out to her, hug her, but I wasn’t sure how she would respond, not after everything that’s happened.

“I had a miscarriage,” she said barely above a whisper. “It was devastating and it was what ruined everything. We were young and inexperienced. There was no way we could have handled something like that.” It sounded like she was trying to apologize for what happened, like they should have taken it better and handled things differently, but under the circumstances they probably did the best they could. “At the time when we needed each other the most, Dana and I abandoned each other. He buried himself in his work and his studies. Me? Well, therapy seemed to be the best road for me to take considering everything and it helped a little for a while, but what I had really needed was my husband. Then one day I decided to go talk to him and to tell him how I felt. My therapist agreed that I needed to talk to someone who would understand, someone I cared about and who better than Dana? We could have a proper heart to heart that might end up helping us both feel better.” Kat let out a strangled sound. “Who knew co-workers served more than one purpose?” She smiled wryly. “Walking down that hallway to his office only to find him attached to some other woman… That was the moment that broke me.”

“Kat stop.” I couldn’t let her keep talking. This wasn’t doing her any good. I watched the color keep draining from her face with every word she spoke. It bothered me that she hadn’t burst into tears yet. After everything she’s told me in the last few minutes, crying would be the preferable response. At least she would be showing emotions. Instead she just sat there emotionlessly telling her story and it scared me.

“I left without even letting him know that I had ever been there. I went to the first bar I could find and I had a drink. And then I had another and another. It wasn’t because I found out he was cheating on me. I wasn’t upset because I had a miscarriage. It was everything, all of it. I wasn’t sad about the miscarriage, only everything it represented. I had lost everything, my family, my dreams, my baby, Dana, my entire life and all for nothing,” she said through clenched teeth. “It had all been for nothing.”

“Katherine!” I shook her by her shoulders and then she broke down, falling into my arms and crying.

“That’s why I tried so damn hard to make this marriage work even after everything, because it was all I had left. If it failed then it definitely would have all been for nothing.” She cried into my shoulder. “Too much has happened. I can’t fix it anymore. I give up.”

I pulled back to look at her. “Kat, no…”

“You don’t get it! You telling me you love me scared the hell out of me, because I’ve already lost too much. I can’t lose you too.” The last part almost got lost in her choked up condition.

“You won’t. I’m not going anywhere.” I couldn’t have said it with more conviction. If it were up to me, I would never let her go. I just wanted to protect her and make her happy. There’s nothing else I wanted. In these short few months I’ve known her, she has become everything to me and I couldn’t explain it.

“No.” She pulled away from me and wiped her eyes. “You can’t promise that. You don’t know what’s going to happen. I…”

“You still have me after everything. I’ve seen the good and the bad and I’m still here. You’ve tried hard to push me away and I am still here. I’m not going anywhere,” I assured her, pulling her into a hug.

“Why?” She mumbled against my shirt.

I sighed deeply, caressing her hair. “So many reasons. Because you care. Even at my worst, you’re always there for me.”

“Point in case last night,” she muttered. “By the way, how are you feeling?”

“I’m fine, really. My wounds will heal.” Hers maybe not so much and that worried me. She was already taking pills. Who knew what else she would try to feel better?

“Don’t.” Kat interrupted my train of thought. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.” She pursed her lips. “I’ve been fine before.”

“Great, because everyone’s wants to be fine.”

“Gee, I’m going to be fine.” It was a little more convincing the second time she said it. “Thank you.”

“What for?”

“Being here.” She started to get up.

“Where are you going? Why don’t you stay here the night?” I suggested also stumbling to my feet. “You can have the bed and I’ll sleep on the couch. Please. I don’t feel comfortable with you leaving, not like this.”

She shook her head. “Gee, I can’t. I have to get home. Dana will worry.”

“Will he really?” The question was out before I could stop myself.

Kat frowned. “Yes, of course. He’s my husband.”

“I’m sorry,” I apologized. “That was out of line.”

“It was,” she agreed. Her pretty face was still frowning and I had no idea why.

“Please stay only a little while longer.”

Kat looked lost for a brief moment then nodded her consent. She dropped her bag on the floor and sat back down. I smiled slightly, relieved that she was staying. She needed to let me take care of her, because I got the feeling that her husband wasn’t doing a proper job at it. She deserved so much better and I was going to show her.

Chapter Text

Kat's POV

“I’m sorry about what I said earlier,” I apologized, lying on Gerard’s couch and glancing down at where he sat on the floor, leaning back against the couch with his legs stretched out in front of him. His head turned to face in my direction and I could tell that he didn’t know what I was talking about which was fair since I had said a lot of things to him in the last couple of hours. “When you came by Starbucks,” I clarified. “You were open with me and I shut you down and left you. I had no right and I’m sorry.”

He waved a hand through the air. “Don’t worry about it. You were upset. I barely recall that conversation anyway.”

I didn’t believe him, but I didn’t push the situation.

“I was worried about you earlier,” he admitted. It was my turn to look at him confused. “You were telling me everything about your past, things that have probably been tearing you apart from the inside for a long time, but you just sat there talking with no emotion like it was nothing. It kind of scared me to be honest.”

“Then I’ll be honest and tell you that I’ve been highly medicated all day. Besides,” I paused, leaning forward and taking the cigarette from him. “What would be the point? I’ve cried… too much.” I shook my head, bringing the cigarette to my lips and taking a drag. “It doesn’t change anything, trust me,” I finished, blowing out smoke.

“You’ll feel better,” he insisted, stealing the cigarette back. “It’s good to let your hurt or anger win every once in a while.”

“Kind of like you did when you quit your job?” I questioned.

Obviously he looked surprised that I knew, because he never told me about that.

“Mikey stopped by Starbucks before you did. He’s worried about you.”

Gerard sighed deeply, flicking the ash off the end of his cigarette onto the makeshift ash tray. “Mikey’s always worried about me.”

“Can you blame him? You’re his big brother. Plus, you gave him false hope when you told him that you wanted to get clean.”

His shoulders sagged and he ducked his head guiltily. “I know. I needed a way for him to accept that I quit my job without him freaking out.”

“So you lied?”

“I thought we were talking about you?” he countered. “You said that you caught Dana cheating. Is he still…”

“No,” I said shortly, before he could finish his sentence. “He promised me that he was done with her. Of course that promise doesn’t explain the blouse and the smell of unknown perfume in our bedroom,” I said bitterly, staring ahead again.

Gerard shook his head. “Why are you still with him? You deserve so much better.”

“I know, but I can’t just… It’s not that simple. I have to learn to take care of myself first.”

“I’ll help you dry out,” he offered immediately.

I couldn’t help laughing. “Oh, so that’s why you’ve been feeding me alcohol?” I held up the bottle of whisky as if to emphasize my point. We haven’t drunk from it for a long time, not since the sun came up, but it didn’t change the fact that we had indulged in alcohol.

“Starting now.” Gerard crawled onto his knees. “I’m going to help you. Maybe there’s still hope for you and Dana.” I could tell that he had to force that last part out.

“Are you going to join me?” I wanted to know. Here’s for my part in trying to help him.

He stood up off the floor and dusted off his clothes. “We should probably eat something.”

“Gee.” I stared after him while he walked over to his little kitchen in the corner.

“What would you like? I have enough food to last us at least two days.” He was shutting down. The day before when he showed me his true emotions was a rare moment to which I didn’t respond correctly. I had my chance and I didn’t use it.

“Why don’t we start with coffee and then go from there?” I suggested, deciding to drop it for now. I’ll ambush him with the idea again later.

“I like the way you think.” He smiled at me and grabbed two mugs off the counter to clean them.

I was standing by his, I’m guessing, kitchen table, which was littered with all kinds of drawings. They were very good. I looked through them and was impressed by the detail and even the creativity behind some of them. It was also clear that he liked them a little on the dark side. My eyes landed on a sketch of a woman’s face.

“Is this me?” I asked in awe.

“What? Oh, shit, you weren’t supposed to see that.” He rushed over to take the page from me. “I drew this before we met.”

“It’s beautiful,” I told him.

He frowned at the drawing in his hand. “No, it’s terrible. It doesn’t look anything like you. This nose is all wrong. Your cheekbones and your lips are a little fuller. The jaw line needs fixing too. It’s definitely not my best work.” I didn’t know how to respond to that. Did he really study me that closely? Had he committed my face to memory down to the smallest detail?

I noticed his face soften, still looking at the picture staring back at him. “Except the eyes. They’re perfect. Big and beautiful and sad. They were what I noticed about you first.” He crumpled the page up into a ball and tossed it over his shoulder. It seemed sad for him to do that.

“I’ll make you a deal. Why don’t I make us brunch?” I checked my watch and it was about nine thirty am. “Yes, brunch and then you can draw me another sketch.” I gave him a proper smile hoping that it would persuade him to agree.

He looked skeptic. “Really?”

“Yes, please. I happened to like the one you crumpled up so you owe me a new one that even you like.”

He still looked hesitant, but he agreed to do it. At that I started to make toast and eggs for breakfast. When Gerard said that he had enough food to last us two days, it was a relative term, food meaning edible and not so much a variety. Our coffee mugs were also refilled during this time. By the time I was finished, Gerard was still busy sketching. He finished his breakfast at the table while continuing to draw and I paged through some of his comic books, the ones he didn’t worry about me getting food on anyway.

“Done,” Gerard finally announced after what felt like a very long time. I wasn’t all that into comic books and had been extremely bored. I jumped up and hurried over to see my new drawing and he was right, the other one didn’t look like me at all, in comparison with this one.

“Gerard, wow.”

“It’s still not perfect, but it’s the best that I can do.”

“It’s perfect,” I assured him quietly, taking in all the details of the picture. He didn’t leave anything out. The shape of my face, the curves of my mouth, my eyes and eyebrows, every strand of hair, every single detail.

He looked down embarrassed. “It’s okay.”

“Gee, you don’t have to be so modest. You’re an amazing artist and I hope you know that. You know that, right? That’s why I don’t understand why you quit your job.”

“I hated my job and you’re right, I can be good, given the proper opportunity and I wasn’t going to get it there, that’s why I left.”

“Then it didn’t have anything to do with your addictions?” I checked and he shook his head. “No, I didn’t enjoy what I was doing anymore.”

“And me?” He looked at me questioningly. “Did any of this have anything to do with me, you know, all the bad stuff?”

He put the drawing he’d been holding in his hand down on the table before looking at me again. “I’m not going to lie and say that it had nothing to with you, because it did. It had a lot to do with you, a really big part, but it wasn’t all you.” I guess I should have been relieved that I hadn’t been ruining his life, and I was, but something was still bothering me, though I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what it was.

There was a knock on the door and Gerard went to answer it. I stayed out of the picture, because his friend or whoever was at the door didn’t come here to see me.

“Bert.” He sounded surprised to see this Bert guy. The name rang a bell and I vaguely remembered the guy who collapsed in the bar some months ago, the first time I had seen Gerard.

“Can I please ask what possessed you to give some random girl my phone number?” Bert asked, walking inside without waiting for an invitation, much like I had the night before. “Especially when said girl claims to be pregnant with my child!” He somewhat shouted.

I sat down on the couch, listening to the rest of their conversation, because I couldn’t ignore it even if I wanted to.

“Bert, calm down, okay. Meagan showed up out of the blue last night, asking me for your number, because, well, she said she was pregnant. I didn’t know what else to do, but give her your number.”

“Yeah, and she called me,” Bert stated unnecessarily. “And then she told me this ridiculous story about me being the father, like I’m going to believe that!” he said scornfully.

“Bert, you didn’t see her the morning after you guys, you know…” Gerard paused awkwardly. “Anyway, I don’t think she’s lying.”

There was a pause before Bert continued firmly. “Either way, I can’t be a dad right now. My band just got off the ground. We’re going on tour next month. I can’t be changing diapers. I refuse to let this ruin my dreams.”

On the one hand, I could see where he was coming from and why he was panicking. He just found out that he was going to be a father, although it was not a part of his plans at all. To a certain extent I could understand why he would choose his dreams over an unplanned child and a very tiny part of me lately wishes that I had done the same. On the other hand, he had been irresponsible and had gotten this girl pregnant. He was supposed to take care of her no matter what the circumstances were.

“I get that, but you can’t just leave her,” Gerard insisted. “At least offer to help…”

“And what if she accepts?”

“Then you help her. This is both your faults.”

“Why the fuck am I even talking to you? And why the hell did she come here?” Bert shouted angrily.

“This isn’t my fault!” Gerard responded heftily in his own defense. “How else was she going to find you? This was the last place she saw you and since you didn’t bother to call her…”

“Don’t start.” I could tell that the other man was growing annoyed rather than angry now.

“I shouldn’t start?” Gerard was right back in there. “You slept with a girl you didn’t know on my couch and then you just left her here.” I jumped up at these words. Suddenly the couch wasn’t as comfy anymore. “I don’t know if you remember the condition I was in that particular night.”

“You were a mess. You’re always a mess.”

“Maybe, but that night was worse than before and you took advantage of that.”

“It’s not like I haven’t done it before,” Bert replied a little more feebly than before.

“No, it’s not, but none of the other girls have come back pregnant! Bert, I can’t deal with your shit for you. You do it.”

I heard the door open and close. Gerard sauntered back into the room, deep in thought. I looked at him, waiting for him to say something. He looked up and saw me standing there.

“Sorry about that.” He pointed over his shoulder back in the direction where the scene had played out. “Bert is… he’s a little rattled, that’s all.”

I nodded slowly. “I could tell.”

“Bert’s a good friend, whatever you might have been thinking.” He continued. “He’s a good and loyal guy. He’ll stand up for you no matter what and take whatever shit anyone gives you himself. Then again when it comes to handing out shots, he doesn’t hold back either.”

“Gee, it’s okay. You don’t have to explain anything to me.” He still seemed distracted and I made a suggestion. “Let’s go out.”

*

It was almost midnight and Gee and I were drunkenly sauntering down the streets. Neither of us could properly stand on our feet, but we were somehow supporting each other and managing along, laughing at everything.

“Fucking drunks.” Someone sneered when we passed him.

I suddenly stopped realizing something important. “You live there,” I stated, randomly pointing to a building. My thoughts were not at all coherent. Not even I could make sense of them. “Wait, no, you live there,” I said, pointing at another building. “I live there,” I slurred, pointing to his other side.

Gerard frowned, “You can’t live there. It’s the beach.”

“I always wanted to live on the beach.” I sighed, feeling somewhat nostalgic.

He grinned and grabbed my hand, dragging me towards the sand. We stumbled and fell down just as we reached the sand. If we had fallen a few feet earlier, we would’ve had a terrible meeting with the pavement. Uncontrollable giggles took control of our bodies. Being intoxicated sure as well felt a lot better than being sober. You didn’t have a care in the world.

The waves were hitting the shore every now and again and I was hit with a brilliant idea. “Let’s go swimming.”

“You’re drunk,” Gerard told me seriously as if it should mean something.

“So are you,” I slurred indignantly. I wasn’t alone in this. More giggles erupted from me. We were so very drunk. I could barely find myself.

Gerard took a deep breath, staring up the sky. He looked peaceful or maybe he was at the point of passing out. I crawled closer and looked down at him, my face obscuring his vision of the night sky.

“You need sleep,” I informed him.

“So do you,” he replied quietly, reaching up and gently pushing a strand of hair behind my ear.

“Let’s sleep then,” I said, falling down on the sand next to him. “It’s cold.”

“Come ‘ere,” Gerard murmured, pulling me into his arms.

I snuggled up to him and we fell asleep on the sand with the sound of the waves crashing to the shore and the sounds of the city in the background.

Chapter Text

Gerard's POV

I walked up to the dark wood door and rang the bell. The last thing I had expected while lying on the couch with a beer that afternoon was Kat calling me and inviting me over. It was not a good idea in my opinion, but she had assured me that Dana was out of town on some or other business trip and wouldn’t be back until I was gone. So there I was, waiting for her to answer the door. She couldn’t believe that I needed an address for her place, but I had only been to her house two times before and I know for a fact I had been drunk at least one of those times.

What I hadn’t expected either was the sight that greeted me when I opened the door, after not receiving an answer. Kat was dancing around the living room. I could see the scuff marks of her black polished boots on the previously perfectly white tiles. She was singing along to the radio loudly and more than a little off key.

“Gee!” She ran over and planted a big kiss on my cheek. “I thought for a minute there that you were going to leave me to party on my own.”

“And leave you to your own mercy?” I chuckled, staring at the excited girl with wide eyes.

“Drink?” She held half a bottle of Jack out to me. “It’s good,” she nodded, smiling, practically pushing the bottle in my face. I took it from her and carefully took a sip to appease her. Normally I wouldn’t mind, but she was out of character. Whatever was going on with her wasn’t good.

“What do you think of my house? It’s nice, isn’t it? Dana’s parents bought it for us.” She took a large swig from the bottle. “They’re great people. Too bad their son kind of sucks.” She let out a short breath and shook her head, before drinking down another gulp of alcohol.

I looked around, taking in my surroundings. It was nice. It wasn’t anything fancy. The living room was spacious and unless Dana had a feminine side, Kat had done the decorating, judging by the photos standing around, the flowers on the side table and a few other pieces of modern art up on the walls.

“Look at this.” Kat suddenly jumped on the coffee table and did what I guessed was a pirouette. Somewhere along the line she had lit a cigarette and was now holding it high as she showed off the ballet moves I didn’t know she had. When she was finished, she hopped back down, dropping her cigarette on the floor in the process. “Oops!” She giggled, bending down to pick it up. “Dance with me!” The raven-haired beauty exclaimed, grabbing my hand and pulling me closer. Her moves didn’t fit Michael Jackson’s Black or White, but who was I to judge. She twirled and jumped and swayed.

“What are you on?” I asked annoyed, because she was acting completely crazy.

She rolled her eyes, bringing the bottle of whisky to her lips. She took a long swig before saying what she was thinking. “What does it even matter? I don’t feel anything and that’s the whole point.”

I was at a loss for words. She was supposed to be getting better. “What about everything you said yesterday? I thought you were going to stay strong and get clean. That was the plan, wasn’t it or am I wrong?”

“It was.” She shut her eyes and sighed. “I was home and alone and I… I got restless and I don’t know what happened.” She had a hard time explaining herself and I wasn’t sure whether it was due to a feeling of guilt or because of the substances in her body. “I got pregnant at eighteen.” Out of nowhere tears were streaming down her face. “I was married at nineteen, abandoned by my parents in that. I had a miscarriage and had to take care of myself.” As soon as the tears had started, they stopped again and made way for anger. “I had to grow up too fast. I think I deserve to act like a child for once in my fucking life!” She dropped down on the couch looking lost. It reminded me of the first time I had seen her. “I made a mistake and I’m never going to stop suffering for it.”

She stood up again and walked over to the little side table a few feet away.

“You should stop. You’re better than this,” I told her. It killed me to see her like that. She was stronger than this. I simply needed to remind her of that. I watched her pick up another bottle of pills.

“Seriously, you are going to preach to me? You are a mess of a person and I’m not sure anyone can change that. It’s not your place to tell me what to do. What do you know?” Her words stung, but I tried to focus on the fact that she wasn’t in her right mind. She popped the cap off the bottle.

“I think you’re done.” I reached for the pills before she could take anymore. She pulled back, keeping them out of my reach.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

“You’ve had enough, Kat,” I said firmly. “Look at you.”

“I’m fine!”

There was no point in arguing with her. She was in no way in the right state of mind for a reasonable conversation. I made another grab for the bottle. She pulled back, falling over in her condition and crashing into the glass flower bowl.

“Now look what you did!” She shouted angrily. “Is ruining your own life not enough? You have to destroy everything around you as well??”

I ignored her outburst, because I couldn’t take my eyes off of her bloody hand. “Shit, are you alright?” I rushed over to ascertain the damage.

“Just stop, okay! You’ve done enough.” She was livid, then again, she has been since we started talking. Maybe she suddenly turned into an aggressive drunk.

I took a hold of her arm and pulled her injured hand closer to inspect it. There were shards of glass stuck in her hand. I looked over at the shattered bowl, half of it on the ground, some on the table and the rest in her hand and wrist.

“We need to get you to the hospital.”

“No way.” She pulled away and turned her back on me.

“Kat. If you don’t, it could get infected and that is a lot of blood. It could be serious.”

“Look at me!” she yelled upset, cradling her injured hand in the other. “I’m a mess. If I go to a hospital, they’ll have me tested or at the very least ask questions. I’m so far gone, I’ll definitely be locked up.”

I stepped over to her and placed my hands on her shoulders. “You’ll be fine. Brush your teeth. Put on some perfume and just don’t say anything when we get there, okay? We have to go.”

“The car keys are over there.” She pointed to a bowl by the door.

Thirty minutes later we were at the hospital and the nurse was asking us a dozen questions about what happened. Kat was in no condition to answer any of them, because she was under the influence of something or a lot of things really and also because she’s lost quite a bit of blood. By now she was somewhat pale.

“It was an accident,” she kept repeating in response to every question.

The nurse looked at her suspiciously. “What kind of accident? What exactly happened?”

“I fell and landed with my hand on a glass flower bowl.”

“You just randomly fell?”

“Excuse me,” I said as politely as I could. “Uhm, it’s kind of embarrassing to admit so you have to please excuse my wife.” The lies naturally started spilling from my mouth. If this went south they might test her and then there would be trouble, maybe even for both of us. “We were being kind of kinky and running around the house and, you know, these things happen.” I smiled at her and wiggled my eyebrows suggestively to emphasize what I was implying. The nurse’s cheeks became rosy.

“Of course. I’ll check with Doctor Morris and then we’ll get you patched up.” She looked uncomfortable before hurrying off to find Doctor Morris. By now Kat was sitting down and looking even paler than before.

“Are you okay?” I asked a little worriedly, sitting down next to her and looking at her in concern.

She made somewhat of a face and then half of a wry smile. “Apparently I’m your wife.” I guess the thought of that was very appalling to her. I sat back in my chair and stared ahead of me. The hospital was busy, though not overly crowded. Nurses we’re helping sick or injured people to their rooms, doctors were moving back and forth between patients. I still hated hospitals. They felt too synonymous with death.

“Mrs. Leone?” The nurse was back and looking fully composed again. “Please follow me.”

“I’ll wait out here,” I told them. They might pull out needles or something and I was better without all of that. Besides, another smarting comment from my friend won’t do me any good. The second they were gone, I decided to go outside and smoke a cigarette. The hospital made me edgy, especially since this was at least my third time at one in the last couple of months. My visits were becoming way too frequent. At least no one’s died yet. I shivered despite the relatively warm temperature.

I felt better after the first drag on my cigarette and increasingly better following every drag after that. What a mess. I was in love with a woman I could never have. I was alienating the people around me. I disappointed my family and all for what? A few drinks every day? For something that made me feel even more terrible every time? It was for the few blissful moments after every pill I took, that numb feeling, not having a care in the world. The alcohol was simply an extra, a bad habit that I couldn’t shake. I sat down on the dirty sidewalk with my feet in the road, it was more of a parking. I lit another cigarette and allowed the negative thoughts to keep taunting me. Was this what the rest of my life was going to be like? I was going to fucking die alone, I knew it.

“There you are.” I looked up to see Kat standing over me.

I scrambled to my feet and dusted off my pants with one hand, the other still holding an unfinished cigarette, one I’ve barely touched, but which has practically burnt all the way to my fingers. “That was quick.”

“It was thirty minutes.” She clarified. Damn, have I been out here that long?

“Oh, home then?” She nodded in response and started to walk in the direction of the subway station.

We were quiet until we were on the train. Kat at some point leaned her head against my shoulder.

“It’s ironic,” she said quietly. “When I’m sober, I’m taking care of your intoxicated self. Now that I’m intoxicated and you’re the sober one, you’re taking care of me. Thank you.” She let out a slow breath.

“I’m not sober,” I admitted awkwardly. It was the truth. I’ve been drinking all day, considering I didn’t have anything else to do. I only started my new job at the bookstore the next day. She lifted her head slightly to look at me surprised before lying down across my lap.

“I’m so tired.” She sighed and closed her eyes.

I smiled, letting my hand come up and stroke her hair. “It must be the painkillers or something that the doctor gave you. You should try to stay awake a little longer. We’re almost back and then you can go to sleep in your bed at home, where it’s nice and warm and safe. Just keep talking to me.”

“What do you want me to say?”

I shrugged. “Anything. What’s on your mind?”

Her eyes fluttered open again. “I miss my sister.”

I started. “I wasn’t aware that you had a sister.”

“The topic never came up, but I do. Her name is Grace and she wears the name well.” She seemed almost nostalgic saying this. She shifted. “She’s six years older than I am. She’s a lawyer, at least she should be by now, because that’s what she was studying for the last time we talked. You’d think because of our age difference that we might have a hard time getting along, but we never had that problem. Grace is the greatest person I’ve ever known. Either way, we were completely different people. She was the smart and mature one while I’ve always been a bit of a spoiled brat. Being the youngest of a rich family will have that effect. I mean, Grace always wanted to work for everything she wanted. Sure, my parents paid for everything she got, but she didn’t want to spend the rest of her life living off a trust fund. Granted, neither did I, but you understand what I’m saying, right? She had a lot more ambition than I was lucky to be born with. She doesn’t need someone to complete her life whereas I’ve always been scared of being alone, ever since I can remember.” She admitted. Aside from her telling me her life story before, this was the most honest she’s ever been. Kat wasn’t telling me a story, she was showing me a bit of what was going on in her head and in her heart.

“When was the last time you spoke to her?”

She shrugged and shook her head. “I don’t know. It was before things became completely messed up. She couldn’t be at my wedding and I think we talked once after that and then just nothing. I don’t even know why we stopped talking. I think I was the one who cut her out, kind of like a self defense mechanism. I pushed her away before she could do it to me. I don’t think I could’ve taken it if my parents could convince her to abandon me too.”

“It sounds to me like you made a bad decision. If you and your sister were so close, do you honestly believe that she would’ve abandoned you?”

“Honestly, yes. There have been a lot of people in my life who I thought loved me and look how that turned out, I’m alone. People suck, but unfortunately we’re social creatures and we can’t live without one another.” She sighed deeply and sat up, because the train had arrived at our destination. She was definitely the most cynical person in the world.

I made sure Kat got home safely, walking her right up to her door.

“Thank you again for taking care of me. I know I acted like a crazy person earlier. I still don’t feel like myself. Do you mind making sure I actually make it to bed, because I feel a little frazzled?” I was surprised by her request, but followed her inside and upstairs to her bedroom where she didn’t even bother to turn the light on. Only the light from the hallway spilling through the door made it possible to see in the otherwise dark room.

“I feel dead.” The tired girl complained, dragging the bedcovers halfway down the bed before falling down on the bed. I walked over and pulled the covers up and over her. I wanted to lean down and kiss her forehead, but immediately stopped myself. She put her injured, but thoroughly bandaged hand above the cover probably in case it started to bleed again. “Good night, Gee,” she murmured, her eyes already shut and her breathing already deep and slow.

“Good night,” I whispered, leaving the room and pulling the door shut within an inch.

The house was silent as I headed back downstairs. When I reached the bottom, I decided to clean up the mess in the living room before leaving. Kat didn’t need her husband asking questions. There was a near empty liquor bottle, the pill containers and then there was also the shattered glass bowl all over the place. I put the cap back on the bottle and put it away in the fridge. I found a broom in the kitchen and set about cleaning the wrecked glass bowl and the scattered flowers. Once that was done I returned to take care of the pills. Instead of throwing them away, it seemed like a better idea to take them with me where Kat wouldn’t be able to get her hands on them again.

On my way out, my eyes fell on a picture, drawing me closer to it. It was a photo of Kat and her husband on their wedding day, both wearing the biggest possible smiles. It was a great picture and Kat looked beautiful. I have never seen her that happy before. The closest she’s ever been to being that happy was when she and her husband decided to reconcile their marriage, before she tried to get clean. That was the happiest I have ever seen her. All good things came to an end it seemed. Maybe they’ll be that happy again one day. I switched the lights off and pulled the front door shut before walking up the street in the direction of my own apartment.

Chapter Text

“We don’t need no education.” Pink Floyd was playing over the store speakers and Thelma was singing along to every word where she sat on the counter reading Lord of the Flies. Reading wasn’t exactly the right word, though, since she seemed to be reading a page and skipping a few, then reading a page and skipping a few.

“If you don’t like it, no one has a gun to your head,” I told her, finishing pricing the last book that came with the new inventory.

Her eyebrows shot up and she looked at me a little dumbfounded. “Hey, Teacher leave them kids alone… But I want to read it,” she said in between singing.

“Lord of the Flies is her favorite book,” Mikey informed me. “She’s read it like fifty times.”

I didn’t get it. Why was she flipping through the pages then? “You probably know exactly what happens when and where.”

“Word for word.” She said absentmindedly. “You’re just another brick in the wall.”

I gave Mikey a look to which he stuck his tongue out in response. “You’re like the female version of my brother.” I commented, picking up the box of books and carrying it over to the shelf to start unpacking.

“Gerard already gave us his blessing,” Mikey said with a smile. “He thinks we’re meant for each other.”

His girlfriend shrugged. “If you’re willing to put up with my snoring then sure, I’ll marry you.”

I made another face, but this time with my back turned to them. I heard Thelma groan, slamming the book shut and putting it down on the counter next to her before hopping off of it.

“I hate this song,” she stated, walking over to the radio and changing the music.

“Are you serious? You just sang along word for word with the song.” I didn’t understand.

“My brother is a huge Pink Floyd fan. By the way, the song is highly overrated,” she told me as a matter of fact. “Just like Thunderstruck. My other brother is a huge ACDC fan.” She smiled. “Don’t worry, I got my own back. When will they ever stop? This doomsday clock ticking in my heart.” She smiled, singing what I assumed was her favorite Smashing Pumpkins song. She actually had a good voice. Her singing wasn’t bad at all.

“Mikey loves Spaceboy.”

“I do not!” he exclaimed wide-eyed.

“You do too,” I told him pointedly. “And We only come out at night. He drove me nuts with that song, because ever since he heard it, he got it into his head that it was our theme song and ever since then he never stopped listening to it.”

My brother’s girlfriend laughed. “A theme song? That’s cute.” Mikey glared at me, guess I embarrassed him. “I can actually see his point, him being such a vampire and all.”

“My brother is ten times worse.” It was Mikey’s turn to comment. “Up all night, asleep all day. You can tell just by looking at him that he doesn’t see much sun.”

“Let’s turn your hair black. I bet twenty bucks you’re the same shade of white I am. Anyways, do you two want coffee? I’m dying for some Starbucks.” I walked over to the counter and grabbed my jacket from the chair.

“You know what I like.” Mikey handed me some money, but I shook my head at him, declining it. He’d gotten me this job after all. A cup of coffee was the least I could do.

Thelma smiled at me. “I would love some iced sweet tea and in return I’ll unpack the books.”

“It’s a deal.” I put on my jacket and headed out the door. Once I reached my destination, I had to wait in line for ten minutes before reaching the front.

“Gerard,” Kat smiled seeing me. “How are you? You don’t usually come in at this time.”

“Perks of the new job,” I responded with a smile of my own. “That must be the reason I’ve never seen the place so busy.”

“You tend to have the luck of just missing rush hour. So what can I get you?” She was already grabbing cups and caps and walking over to the coffee machine.

“Two regular coffees and one iced sweet tea.” I leaned on the counter on my forearms watching her work.

“So, what, are you the coffee boy now?”

I chuckled. “No, my brother’s girlfriend is at the store and I figured I would give them some space.”

“I’m not sure how much that would help seeing as your brother is at work and people can walk in at any second,” she commented, done with the coffees and moving on to making the tea.

“The conversation was getting a little too serious and this was a good escape,” I confessed. “They were talking about marriage.”

“Does someone have commitment issues?” Kat put my order down in front of me and grabbed a few sugar sachets and napkins to add to it.

I dug out my wallet and pulled out some money to pay her. “No, but I don’t want to think about my little brother getting married. He’s too young to take the leap yet.”

“How old is he?”

“Twenty one in September.” Only then did I realize what I had said. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” she assured me. I watched her face for any signs to the contrary, but she seemed okay. She was definitely better than the last time I had seen her. My eye flicked down to her hand which was still wrapped in bandages.

“How are you?” I asked seriously. Hopefully the fact that I was referring to her emotional state was implicit enough.

“I’m okay.” She said without blinking. That’s when I noticed the glitter right beneath her left eye.

“You have some glitter right there.” I pointed to the place.

“Where?” She reached up and wiped under her eye, but it made no difference.

“A little more to the left.” I wasn’t going to touch her. I was resolved to not put myself in situations where I couldn’t control myself anymore. It was time to get over this thing, whatever it was. For my sake and for hers.

She finally got it and giggled. “It’s crazy. I went out last night. I don’t remember a thing, but when I woke up this morning I was on the floor covered in glitter.”

My jaw clenched in frustration. She was derailing. Fast. I couldn’t help her.

“Thank you for the coffee.” I said stiffly, taking the cup holder and walking to the side where Ray was standing.

“Hey, Ray how are you?” I needed to play my cards right. Either way, he was going to lose his mind.

“I am good thank you.” He eyed me suspiciously. He definitely knew me too well, already knowing that I wanted something.

“Okay, fine. I have a huge favor to ask you,” I blurted out my reason for being there.

“Shoot.”

I took a deep breath, because I knew Ray would freak out at my next question. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a choice. “Can you lend me some money?”

“What for?” he wanted to know. The expression on his face was slowly but surely darkening with each passing second.

“I owe Bert,” I answered vaguely.

He sighed, “How much?”

“Three hundred dollars,” I replied, looking away and nervously waiting for the inevitable explosion.

Ray winced, “Shit, Gerard, what did you need three hundred dollars for?”

“It doesn’t matter. Can you lend me the money please? I’ve owed him for a couple of weeks now.” I was defensive all of a sudden. I didn’t want to admit the real reason I owed Bert money. No one needed to know that I had a breakdown over Kat’s reconciliation with her husband and my feeling of abandonment.

“I’m sorry, Gerard, but I can’t,” he stated. He shut his eyes looking slightly pained. They snapped open again and he looked at me seriously. “First of all, I don’t have the money and besides that, even if I did, I wouldn’t give it to you, because I’m not going to encourage your addictions.”

“Please, it’s not for me. I have to pay Bert back sooner or later otherwise he’ll never help me out again,” I said.

“I’m sorry, but I’m not going to pay for your drugs,” he insisted.

“It’s not for drugs!” I retorted, feeling the anger start to boil inside of me.

“How can I believe you?”

“You can test me tomorrow,” I replied sarcastically. “I swear I’m not going to buy drugs with it.” Because I had already used the drugs.

Ray shook his head. The next customer in line pushed past me to the front and I stood back.

“Gee,” I heard Kat’s voice and I turned to look at her. “I can get you the money.”

I hesitated. Even though I was desperate, I didn’t want to take her money. “It’s okay. I’ll get it somewhere else.” I nearly forgot the beverages I had ordered before storming off. So much for Ray being my so-called friend.

*

I nervously approached the bar later that night. Bert was not going to be happy with me. Ever since he found out that he’s going to be a father, he’s been pushing me for the money and I didn’t blame him. It was a lot of money for someone who didn’t have a lot. Bert was still paying all of his band’s expenses out of his own pocket. He didn’t exactly have wads of cash to throw around and now with a kid on the way and him taking responsibility… things were going to get rough. I simply didn’t have the money to pay him back yet.

“Gee!”

I turned to see Kat approaching me and frowned, because I hadn’t expected to see her there. I thought for sure she’d be off partying again at some club where she can get covered in glitter again. I couldn’t believe how much that irked me. I didn’t understand it.

“Don’t look so surprised. I told you I would bring the money.” She stopped in front of me and held some money out to me. I looked down at it uncomprehendingly.

“Take it,” she insisted, shoving it into my hand. “Dana is still in the trying-to-fix-us stage. He’ll pretty much do anything I ask. Well,” she stopped talking and thought about it for a moment. “That’s not entirely true, but when I told him that I wanted to go to a spa and hopefully strengthen my resolve to get back on the straight and narrow, he didn’t hesitate. Which means that drinks are on me.” She finished with a smile. She lied to her husband in order to help me. It wasn’t the first time, but this was the first time my mind actually registered that.

“I don’t know.” I was still hesitant.

“Look, Gerard it’s fine. Really. You seem desperate and Dana can afford it. I understand.”

She didn’t. “I’m not going to buy drugs with this. Bert helped me out with some a while ago, though and I owe him. That’s what the money is for.” I gratefully accepted the cash and made up my mind about something. “Everyone’s inside. Do you want to come…and meet them all?”

Kat didn’t hesitate before agreeing to follow me inside.  There was a loud reception when we got inside and we were welcomed with broad grins.

“It’s about time he introduced you to us,” Bert stated.

“Yeah, this is Katherine.” I noticed her giving me a strange look, probably because I had never introduced her to anyone by her real name.

“Pleasure to meet the girl who stole my best friend’s heart,” he grinned, shaking her hand.

“That’s enough,” I muttered embarrassed and uncomfortable since he wouldn’t let go of her hand. “I brought you your money.” That got his attention.

“Finally,” Bert joked, rolling his eyes. “Can you believe how long I had to wait for this guy to pay me back? Don’t ever give him anything unless it’s payment at hand.”

“Yeah, yeah. Shut up and just be thankful that I paid you back eventually,” I said, pulling out the money and giving it to him.

“Of course! I’ll buy you both a drink.” I was surprised by how cool he was being. I thought for sure he would have some snide remarks upon meeting Kat considering the last conversation we had had concerning her.

Kat seemed a little reluctant to agree, but did nonetheless. I introduced her to Joe and Quinn and some other guys who sat at the bar. She seemed to get along with Joe. Aside from Shawn, he was the nicest person there.

“Where’s Shawn?” I asked, because normally he’d be there by now.

Joe shrugged, “Haven’t seen him. He’s actually been MIA for a day or two.”

“Maybe he’s also got him a pretty girl,” Bert gave his opinion.

“Are you already drunk?” I wondered.

He grinned at me, “It’s only nine thirty. Of course I’m not drunk yet.”

“Ah.”

“I’ll be right back,” Kat excused herself, heading for the ladies room.

“She really is pretty, Gerard. You’re lucky.” Bert told me sincerely.

“She’s married.”

“Fuck. Well, now the next round is definitely on me. You need it.” He called the barman over and ordered a bunch of shots.

A few minutes later, after we had each already done several shots, my phone rang and I immediately answered it. I almost hadn’t heard it ringing over the bar noises.

“Hello, is this Mr. Gerard Way?” The woman at the other end asked.

“Yes,” I said, slightly frowning. “Who is this?”

“This is Queens Hospital Center. We’re calling about a Mr. Shawn Grey.”

“What about him?” I wanted to know.

“Sir, Mr. Grey was in a terrible accident two hours ago. His documents showed that we should call you if anything happened to him,” she informed me.

“Is he okay?” I asked worriedly.

“I’m sorry, Sir. He died on impact.”

I nearly dropped my phone. Kat returned from the bathroom at that point and must have noticed my face, because she looked at me worriedly.

“What’s wrong?” she mouthed.

“Uhm…” I swallowed. “Is he there? I mean… Uhm…”

“Sir, if you’ll please come to the hospital we’ll give you all the details and information you need. You have to sign some papers too.”

“Thank you. I’ll be there soon.”

“Gee, what’s wrong?” Kat asked as soon as I’d hung up.

“It was the hospital. Shawn was in a car accident,” I said absentmindedly.

“What?” I heard Joe ask shocked.

“He didn’t make it.” I choked out, feeling my chest constrict.

“Oh, Gerard.” Kat’s voice was sympathetic as she hugged me tightly.

I couldn’t believe it. Shawn had been one of my best friends and now he was gone.

“I’ll come to the hospital with you,” Kat offered, seeming to know the procedure.

“Thanks.”

“Keep us informed,” Bert requested.

I nodded. Kat and I then fought our way out of the bar and caught a cab to the hospital.

Chapter Text

Funerals were the worst. For days after a person died you had to worry about getting things in order for the funeral. During that time everyone constantly expressed their condolences which only served as a reminder of the loss you suffered. They meant well, yes, but at the end of the day they only ended up scratching at the raw wounds.

Who cared about what flowers they had at the funeral? Who gave a shit about the food at the wake? None of that mattered. A loved one was dead and nothing you did could change that. It’s been three days since Shawn’s death and the funeral had just ended. Actually, it had ended a couple of hours ago, but after the longest day in my life to date, I was finally back in my apartment. It was peaceful and I found comfort in that.

The rest of the guys were dealing with their loss the same way they always dealt with their problems. After the funeral they headed straight to the bar. Surprise, surprise. I had joined them for a little while, but I needed to be on my own. Fortunately Mikey had to be at work that day. Besides, it wasn’t like he had ever met Shawn. On the down side, Kat didn’t have to be at work and she was there, clucking around me.

I barely took any notice of the girl cleaning up along the surfaces and bringing me a cup of steaming hot coffee. That was until she sat down next to me on the couch and waited patiently for me to say something. She’s barely left my side since we received the news of his passing.
Since Shawn didn’t have any family, the funeral fell on my shoulders, mine and his girlfriend, Stacy’s. My heart went out to her. His death hit her hard. She’d locked herself in her room and cried for hours after we left the hospital. I had offered to take care of the funeral arrangements on my own, but she had insisted on helping.

“Life is so unfair,” I murmured quietly. “Shawn didn’t deserve this. He was such a great person. He was always happy and cheery.”

“He was?” I was relieved that she didn’t tell me that he was in a better place or that he was still with me, because it was a bullshit line that never made anyone feel any better.

“Yes. He didn’t have to die now. He was only twenty one years old and he was one of my best friends!” Kat reached forward and hugged me. I barely even noticed. I just kept staring ahead of me.

“He was the one person who could always make you feel better no matter what. He could understand me when no one else even tried.”

“I’m sorry, Gee.”She sounded sad too.

“Ray always prophesied that my friends would start dying, but the irony is that Shawn died sober. He wasn’t even that much into drinking. Yes, he hung out with us night after night, but he didn’t pass out every night. He was only there to hang out with his friends and have fun with them. He would be the life of the party, cheering us on and laughing at us,” I finished with a sigh. “I’ll miss him.”

“There’s nothing wrong with missing him. I’m sure he’ll miss you too.”

I sighed tiredly, pulling away from her and leaning back.

“You’ll feel better once you’ve eaten something. I’ll make you dinner.” Kat jumped to her feet and made her way to the kitchen, rummaging through the cupboards once she got there. I felt bad for her, because she was trying to be there for me, but I wasn’t in the mood to appreciate it. She was most likely looking for something to do in order to make things more bearable for both of us.

“That’s not necessary. You should go home.” I meant it. The truth was that I wanted her to leave.

“I’m not going anywhere,” she stated firmly, not inviting any disagreement. “I’m not leaving you alone right now.”

I watched her working, pulling out groceries Mikey had brought by a day or two ago and starting to prepare dinner. She caught me staring and offered me a small sincere smile and in that moment I hated her. Ever since I met her my life has been going downhill and now this. I’ve given her everything. I’ve put my own feelings aside in trying to keep her together and in the end, I was the one who lost. If I hadn’t been so wrapped up in everything concerning her, I would’ve spent more time with my friends. I would’ve seen Shawn before… before some drunk bastard hit him with his car.

“What are you thinking?”

I hadn’t even noticed her approaching me. How was I going to tell her the truth? I simply would. “I was thinking how much I hate you, because ever since I met you… You’ve ruined my life, you know?”

She looked completely bewildered. Clearly she hadn’t expected that response. It was the first time I’ve ever done anything deliberate to hurt her, although that wasn’t even my intention. I simply needed to get it off of my chest.

“I’m sorry,” I said, looking away from her. “But that’s how I feel. Before this whole thing, Shawn dying, I thought I could still do this. I would get over you, we’d be friends, but now… I don’t feel like any of that anymore. All of this…” I motioned between us. “I need to get my own fucking life!”

“Gee…”

I interrupted her before she could really say anything. “You’re married, I know. I get that, but then you have to understand that I can’t wait forever. I won’t.” It was time for me to move on. Shit happened. People died. There was no telling when it would happen again. I had to live for myself until that time came. There was no point in living my life for someone who didn’t appreciate it or who didn’t reciprocate my feelings.

Kat sat down next to me on the couch before saying what was on her mind. “I understand. Things between me and Dana haven’t been right for a long time, though. He’s… Carrie is still a part of his life.”

“Are you going to divorce him?”

“I can’t, because… like you I’m afraid of being alone.”

“You’ll have me,” I said, turning my head to the side and looking at her sincerely. She didn’t say anything and it infuriated me. “When have I ever given you the idea that I won’t be there for you?”

Kat looked down at her hands in regret. “I need him, Gerard.”

I felt like screaming in frustration. This was going nowhere, as usual. “You need him and I need alcohol,” I said, standing up and crossing the floor to the kitchen where a bottle of whiskey was waiting for me on the counter. “I guess we’re both happy then.”

“Oh, don’t do that, Gerard!”

“Do what?” I snapped in response, having taken a large gulp of the liquor.

“Avoid the problem.” She was on her feet and also angry now.

“The problem is that I’m in love with you!” I shouted, slamming the bottle down on the counter with such force that it fell over and shattered on the floor. “And I know you care about me too. Maybe you don’t love me like I love you, yet, but you care about me more than you should and that scares the hell out of you.” The stunned expression on her face told me that I was spot on. “That’s why you’re always pushing me away, but it’s not fair. I’ve been patient. I’ve waited. I’ve neglected the people closest to me, alienated my friends. I’m worse than I’ve ever been. I quit my job. Ray practically hates me even though he’ll never admit it. Mikey will always be there, but I’ve done irreparable damage to our relationship. My parents… Everything has gone to shit since I met you, because I always had to be there for you. You needed me. I can’t even remember the last time I saw Shawn.” All the anger inside of me finally escaped through those words. I was finally telling her the truth about how I felt. “And you know what the worst part is? I can’t even blame you, because every one of those decisions was mine!” My breathing was erratic and all my muscles were tight. “You’re ruining my life. You are ruining me and I won’t let you.”

“But that’s the real problem, isn’t it? You can’t let me go.”

I shook my head tiredly. “I can’t.”

A long silence followed that confession. There was absolutely no sound in the entire apartment. Inside, I was also silent. It was eerie. We just stood there looking at each other. Her hair was growing longer and framed her face as she bravely met my gaze. She was so damn beautiful.

“I’m sorry, Gerard. I know how you feel about me, but I can’t… I won’t start something with you. I respect myself too much to do that. I have too much respect for you and for Dana to do that. I refuse to be like him.” She was staring at the floor and practically shaking, but I wasn’t sure why, whether it was anger, humiliation or misery.

I understand that,” I said in aggravation. “What I don’t understand is why you insist on staying with him… why you insist on being…sad.”

Her head shot up and she stared at me wide-eyed. The resentment was clear in her eyes.

“When I met you, you were this empty shell of a person aside from a tiny spark inside that was fighting to stay alive. With time you allowed yourself to smile and maybe even laughed once or twice. Then you and Dana decided to work things out.” His name felt like a curse rolling over my lips. “You were almost happy, but then he…” I decided not to tell her that I thought her husband was a piece of shit that never deserved her in the first place. After all, I didn’t know him and simply formed an opinion from what I heard from her. “You fell apart and it wasn’t just like that. It was a slow and painful process. Turning to pills and alcohol and the breakdowns. I was there through all of that. You don’t know what that feels like.” I was upset.

“I imagine it feels the same as me watching you spiral too.”

“No, it doesn’t, because you weren’t there!” My tone had turned accusatory. “You were stuck in the little Dana-and-Katherine bubble, but every day I was there… I could see every change in you, the good and the bad.” She didn’t say anything. She just stood there looking pained by my words. Good. She needed to hear it. “That’s why I don’t get it. You can choose to end this at any moment. You don’t have to deal with his infidelity. You shouldn’t have to. You don’t deserve the emotional attacks.”

“What do you know about that?” she asked sharply.

I hadn’t been sure. “Nothing, but I can see it in your eyes. Clearly you still love him, but you told me five minutes ago that you’ve given up on your relationship. Considering the way he’s treating you, I doubt if he still loves you so what’s the point???”

I waited for her to tell me that I didn’t know her and then storm off like she usually did, like she’d done so many times before. She didn’t, because yes, maybe all of those other times she was right and I didn’t know her, but this time it was different. The fact of the matter was that I did know her. It probably scared the hell out of her too, because it meant that she finally let someone in. I knew her. She had something to lose.

“I can’t.” She whispered, looking down at the ground again. My jaw clenched. How could one person be so fucking stubborn? I wished she would look at me.

“Please can we not fight about this,” she begged me. What have we been doing this entire time? “You’re probably the most important person in my life right now and I don’t want to lose you.”

Everything in me wanted to scream and shout and I wanted to slam my fists against the wall, but none of that would help, because no matter how many times I’ve told her that I wasn’t going to leave her, she still didn’t believe me.

“I haven’t left you yet.” It was a simple, quiet statement.

Kat stepped forward and took my hand in hers, lacing our fingers and the look she gave me assured me that she understood what I meant.

Chapter Text

It was a perfect night. Perfect for dancing in the park. The moon was nearly full and illuminated everything. On some level it was eerie, casting shadows all along the ground. A light breeze stirred through the trees every now and again. Around and around we went.

“Gerard, you’re going too fast!” Kat laughed from the pit of her stomach. “Stop! I’m going to fall.”

I couldn’t remember how we even got to the park. We had been drinking at the bar and then sauntering down some street and then… We were walking through the park and Kat was awed by how beautiful it apparently looked. That’s when we stopped and then at some point she grabbed my hands and started to dance. She really had a thing for dancing.

My own laughter rang clear through the evening air. It wasn’t a big park, but somehow it managed to block out a lot of the noise of the city or maybe we had sauntered off a long way from the loud parts, but I couldn’t believe that.

“You’re loving it.” I slowed down and pulled her a little closer to me, loving the feel of her in my arms.

“So, Mr. Way,” she said still smiling. “If you could be anything in the world right now, like, if you could choose your life, what would it be?”

“I already told you that I wanted to be a comic book artist.”

“But you haven’t tried doing that yet.”

I shrugged. “I could be in a band.” It wasn’t the worst idea I had ever had. “Unfortunately I can’t sing for shit.”

Her head tilted slightly to the side. “It can’t be that bad. Your grandmother was so proud of you that time we went to Jersey. Plus, a little birdie told me you were pretty good in the school play,” she teased with smile.

“That was middle school. My voice has changed since then. Besides, I’ve suffered through enough failed bands for one lifetime.”

“Maybe you haven’t found that thing yet,” she suggested.

I chuckled at her choice of words. “That thing?”

“Your sound. Your muse. Whichever you prefer,” she replied sweetly. “Like I said, right now you can choose anything.”

“Okay, what would you choose?” I wanted to know. This was quite an interesting conversation.

“I’d be a pediatrician. I’ll work with little kids all day and at the end of that day, I would go home to my own beautiful children.” She looked wistful saying this.

“You can still do all of that, you know?” For a moment I regretted my words, thinking that I might have said the wrong thing, but she didn’t look phased at all. She was still in the same good spirits she’s been all night.

“Yes, but first I have to find a good husband who could father those wonderful kids.”

Her words reminded me of our conversation a few days ago when she confessed to needing Dana despite having me. I wasn’t good enough for her. She needed more.

“Well, I’d like to marry one day and have kids too. I mean, it’s not like it’s a dream or anything, but it would be nice. I don’t think I’ll be good for them though.”

“What are you talking about? I think you’ll be great…”

“Taking good care of them will not be a problem, but I’m bad. They’ll always deserve better.” I said regretfully.

“Don’t sell yourself short. I think with the right motivation you’ll turn your life right around and when that day comes, watch out world.”

“Maybe, but let’s get out of here before we get murdered and never get the chance to do any of those things.” I took a hold of her hand and we started to make our way back in the direction of my apartment.

Kat made a strange sound and I turned to see her hurriedly try to hide a smile from her face.

“What was that?” I wondered amused.

She shook her head, looking down at her feet as we kept walking. “I’m really happy we had the talk. Things feel different between us now. Better. Lighter. There used to be a weight there that’s gone now.”

“I think it’s because we both finally said what had been plaguing our minds for the last couple of months.” I gave my honest opinion.

“I want you to know that I know you’re not going anywhere.” This caused me to stop and look at her. She nearly ran into me, because of this. “It’s actually sad, since I think you should run as far and as fast as you can away from me, but I know you won’t do that… because you love me.”

I was surprised that she was the one who put it out there. Maybe she wasn’t as repulsed by it as she used to be.

“I promise that won’t be a problem again.”

“It’s fine,” she shrugged it off, starting to walk again. I stood there staring after her. Now I was getting mixed signals from her. She didn’t want to start something with me, but she was okay with me loving her. If she wanted to fuck with my mind, I would say, mission accomplished.

“It’s fine?” I jogged to catch up with her. “The other night you said…”

“Gerard, don’t make a big deal out of it,” she said, interrupting me mid-sentence.

I put my hands up. “Okay.”

We walked in silence for a while, each one stuck in their own thoughts. I was thinking about how lucky I was to have Kat in my life. Yes, there have been a few bumps and maybe it wasn’t completely the way I wanted it, but she was still one of the best friends I’ve ever had and I wouldn’t change that. I watched her eyes curiously take in everything around us and wondered what she was thinking.

“You know, we should totally go to Jersey again sometime and visit your grandmother,” Kat stated out of nowhere.

“I won’t be able to go there a second time without visiting my parents,” I pointed out. It wouldn’t be the end of the world, but I would feel guilty for never going to see them. I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect on my arrival anyway.

“In that case you can drop me off at your grandmother’s house and I’ll talk to her while you spend time with your parents. I’ve never felt more welcome anywhere in my life.”

I smiled fondly at the thought of the old woman. “She has that effect.”

Kat stopped walking and turned to me. “I should probably go home while I’m still on my feet.”

I was slightly bummed out by that idea, but couldn’t exactly tell her to stay. “Sounds like a plan.” With that we hugged and parted ways.

“I’ll see you again tomorrow!” She called after me as I walked away.

A few feet further, I turned back around. “Hey, Kat!”

She stopped and turned to look at me expectantly.

“Promise me you’ll do it one day.” The dumbfounded look on her face was kind of adorable. “Promise me that you’ll make your own dreams come true. It doesn’t matter when, but promise me you won’t give up, that you will do your degree one day and start your own family.” I wanted to hear her say it. She needed to say it for herself too. She was young. She could still do anything, but first she had to tell me and herself that she won’t settle for this life forever.

“I promise.”

*

Kat’s POV

I had a small smile on my face when I entered the house a little while later. Things were definitely a lot better since Gerard and I had the talk. The tension was gone and so were the expectations that had resided between us. This is what it should have been from the beginning. Neither of us had really made it easy.

“Fun night?”

I jumped, startled by Dana’s sudden question. He was the last thing I expected, walking through the door. It’s been a while since I’ve seen him.

“I went to the park.”

Dana nodded slowly, his eyes not leaving me once, barely blinking. I was waiting for him to say something about my being out late or drinking or anything. Instead he surprised me again.

“Well, your timing is perfect. I was just about to go to bed.”

I swallowed. Of course he still thought that we were working things out. I dubiously followed him to our bedroom and awkwardly stood by the end of the bed, feeling like a virgin about to lose her virtue to some kid she just met at a high school party.

“Is something wrong?” Dana asked, looking at me expectantly from where he was already in bed.

I didn’t know what to say. Did I tell him that I knew about him and Carrie? I mean, honestly, I found out about them the first time. Did he seriously think that I wouldn’t know about it this time? And in our bed.

I silently walked around to my side and crawled under the covers without bothering to change. Dana turned on his side and looked at me. Maybe I was being paranoid, but I could swear that I smelled her.

He reached out a hand and caressed me cheek, forcing me to suppress an involuntary shiver. “You are so beautiful.”

“Not tonight, Dana.” I blurted out hurriedly. “I think I’m coming down with something. I’ve been feeling nauseous and I’ve been somewhat feverish too.” I lied. “It could be some hybrid or something.”

Dana propped himself up on his elbow and looked at me worriedly. “Do you want me to take you to the doctor?”

Great. “I’ll try and sleep it off. If I don’t feel better in the morning, I’ll go see a doctor.” I nervously met his gaze, trying to determine whether he bought it or not. His brow was furrowed, but I couldn’t tell what he was thinking.

“Do you think it’s possible that you could be pregnant?”

Aside from the fact that the possibility of that happening horrified me, I wanted to laugh out loud at the ridiculousness of the idea. I didn’t. “I’ll take a pregnancy test in the morning,” I said to appease him.

A baby might not be the worst thing to happen to us. It would definitely force me to clean up and maybe Dana would re-evaluate his life choices, but even as the thought crossed my mind, I dismissed it, because I knew Dana wouldn’t change. Even if he ended things with Carrie for good, how long until the next girl came along? I would never be able to trust him again.

“If not, we can just try again and again.” His arm wrapped around my waist pulling me closer to him. So we did and I put on the best damn show of my life, hoping that it would satisfy his ego and make him go to sleep. Unfortunately, he wanted to do it again and this time around I didn’t even have to fake being sick.

I stormed into the connecting bathroom and bent double over the toilet, emptying my stomach contents. I wasn’t sure whether it was as a result of sleeping with Dana in the same bed that he’s been screwing his mistress or whether it was my body’s way of getting revenge for weeks of toxins.

“Are you alright?”

I breathed in deeply, but this was not a good idea, because whatever I had left in my body fought its way up too, barely giving me a chance to recover from my last puking session. I was vaguely aware of Dana rummaging through the bathroom cabinet. I heard the tap run and then Dana was standing over me, holding out a glass of water and some pills.

“Drink this.”

I gratefully, through bleary vision, accepted the glass of water, but I disregarded his other hand’s contents.

“Katherine…”

“No, I don’t want it,” I insisted. It was time to listen to my body. If I didn’t slow down, I wasn’t going to last much longer. Who was going to take care of Gerard? I didn’t trust him not to go completely off the tracks without me there to keep him on it.

“You’ll feel better.”

No, I had to be strong. I had to pull myself together. For myself and for Gerard. “No.” I gulped down the water and slumped down on the floor.

Dana was frustrated. I could see it on his face and hear it in his voice as he exclaimed with a short, “Fine!” He most likely thought I was being unnecessarily stubborn.

He returned a few seconds later with a blanket. My, my. He was full of surprises tonight. It was aggravating. It wasn’t fair of him to suddenly be the good guy I fell in love with now that I’d given up on him. He bent down to drape it over me before straightening back up.

“I’m going to bed.”

I sighed deeply the second he left. We were all such a mess. I curled up on the cold tile floor with only the blanket covering my bare figure.

I should have gone with Gerard. We would have been on his couch, drunk and laughing at stupid shit. Or I would have been able to convince him to dance with me again. Maybe he would have drawn me another picture. He was such an amazing artist.

And a good person. He didn’t give up on people. From what I could tell, his friend Bert was a jerk, but Gerard was still there for him. I’ve broken his heart at least twice and he hasn’t given up on me yet either. Maybe Mikey was right about Gerard needing better people in his life.

I wasn’t going anywhere either.

Chapter Text

Gerard’s POV

“I’ll be the colorful one. I’ll even throw in a sexy top hat as well,” Kat grinned excitedly. “Come on, it’ll be fun!”

“It sounds dangerous,” I replied hesitantly. “I mean, all those people…”

“Gee, it’s the fourth of July. We have to celebrate! We’ll bar hop and dance in the streets with all the ongoing festivals. There will be fireworks. Please!!”

I drummed my fingers on the counter, considering her plan and then, against my better judgment, I found myself agreeing. “Okay, fine.”

She smiled happily. “Thank you!” She leaned over the counter and kissed my cheek.

“Don’t thank me. I’m only doing it for the sexy top hat.”

She didn’t seem to mind the comment and moved away to help another customer.

“Flirting with a married woman.” I turned around to see my brother and Thelma enter Starbucks hand-in-hand. “What’s next?” Mikey continued unimpressed by what he had witnessed.

“Let him be. It’s just flirting. It’s not like he committed a murder or anything,” Thelma said with a roll of her eyes.

“Hey, Mikey.”

“If he broke them up, now that would be a different story,” Thelma stated. “Are you a home wrecker, Gerard?”

“We’re friends. Kat would never cheat on her husband.”

“See,” she smiled sweetly at Mikey. “Harmless flirting, nothing more.”

“But…”

“Come,” the female ordered, cutting him short and dragging him after her to where Ray was waiting for them. Mikey stared at me wide-eyed as they went and I waved him off with a smile.

I watched the three of them interact. They were like old friends. They talked and laughed. Then again, Mikey and Ray were friends before I even knew Ray, but that was many years ago. Since then they’ve both been looking after me.

“Hi, is Katherine here?”

My head shot around to see who had asked the question. It was a man, taller than me, probably six feet tall with short, somewhat curly hair. The blonde in his hair was fighting a losing battle against the brown. I searched for Kat and found her just as she became aware of the newcomer.

She looked nothing short of shocked as she approached him. “Dana? What are you doing here?”

“Aren’t I allowed to visit my wife at work?” There it was. He was her husband.

“Of course, but you’ve never… this is the first time you’ve been here.” She still wasn’t over the surprise of his sudden appearance.

“Then I would say that this is long overdue.” He grinned at her. I realized that I was staring and turned my attention to the cup of coffee in front of me.

“The reason I’m here,” he continued. “Is that I barely see you anymore and there’s something I want to ask you. The office is having a party tonight to celebrate Independence Day and I need you to be my date.”

I nearly choked on my coffee. Kat’s eyes flitted in my direction and I pretended to concentrate on my coffee, but in truth I was anxiously waiting on her reply.

“Me?” Kat stuttered out. “I mean, of course. If you’re sure?” My heart sank, but then I reminded myself that she had to agree to go, because he was her husband.

“Of course, you’re my wife. Here.” He handed her a credit card. “Buy yourself something nice to wear tonight. I would like to show off my pretty wife to the old men at the office,” he grinned. “Be ready at six?”

She nodded and watched him leave. Kat was deep in thought over his sudden visit, tapping the card against the palm of her hand, still staring at the door like he was going to walk back in and say that it was all a joke.

“Now that he needs you to attend a function, you’re suddenly good enough again,” I muttered, unable to help myself.
“Are you okay with me going with him tonight?” she asked, coming to stand across from me at the counter, shoving the card into the front of her apron.
“Sure, it’s not like I can tell you no, the guy’s your husband,” I said grudgingly.
She smiled, “It’s really sweet you being jealous, but don’t worry. It’s just one night and it’s a boring business function anyway. Nothing is going to happen.”
I looked back up into her eyes. “Do you have to go?”

“I’m sorry. I know I promised you a fun night full of fireworks and…”

“Don’t forget the top hat.”

She chuckled, “Yes, and a top hat, but I’m afraid we’ll have to cancel. Dana still thinks we’re working things out, besides I can’t embarrass him like that. Everyone at the office knows that he’s married and they’ll wonder why he went alone if that were the case.”

“I don’t get how you can be so good to him when all he’s ever done is…”

“Careful, Gerard,” she cut me short with a sharp tone of voice. I had overstepped some invisible line. “I’m not doing this with you. Not here and not now, not again.”

“Sorry,” I grumbled out.

“Think about it this way, now you can go out and spend some time with your friends. You haven’t done that in a while.” It was a quick change of topic, stopping the threatening argument before it could even begin.

“Great.” Sarcasm dripped from my voice. I loved my friends, but I would much rather spend the night with her.

“Great. Now I have to go shopping. It’s not every day I get to use this baby.” She had withdrawn the credit card again and was waving it in the air. “I have to make the best of it.” She smiled sweetly, removing her apron and grabbing her bag. “Have fun tonight.”

I grumbled some more as she left.

“I figured I would find you here,” someone spoke, patting me on the back.

“Hey, Bert.”

“How are you?” he wanted to know, leaning back against the counter next to me. “We haven’t really seen much of you since…you know.” Shawn’s death.

“I’m good. I have my new job keeping me busy.”

“And pretty girls who have you wrapped around their little fingers,” he teased before stealing my coffee and drinking the last of it.

“She’s so married it’s not even funny. No matter what I say or do, she won’t budge. She’s really hung up on this guy.” I was finally able to complain to someone. I would never be able to tell him everything, but a short venting session helped a little.

“I hate to say this to you, but that’s a good thing. The guy is her husband after all,” he pointed out.

“And a real son of a bitch at that.” It was a mumbled statement that Bert immediately reacted to.

“How so?” he asked seeming sincerely concerned, leaning slightly closer to me.

“It’s… I can’t really say.” I frowned, looking down at my hands clamped together on the counter in front of me. “I can tell you that she’s better off though. I’m not saying that she should be with me either. Hell knows she’d be way better off without me too, but at least I give a shit about her. It’s more than he can say.”

“The heart wants what the heart wants,” he said regretfully. “Are we seeing you tonight?”

I shook my head. “I don’t think so. A quiet night at home might do me good.”

“Sure,” he tapped my shoulder with his hand in a supportive manner. “I’ll tell the guys you send your love.”

I laughed. “Hold on a minute. How are things with you?”

He straightened up. “Great. I’m leaving with the band next week. We have a few shows lined up and we’re working our asses off to get the album as far and as wide as possible.”

“What about Meagan?”

“We talked. She’s keeping the baby. I explained to her that I can’t really be there for her now, but that I would send money as I got the chance.”

I nodded in understanding. “I’m proud of you man. I can’t even begin to imagine the position you’re in, but I can guess that it’s not at all easy.”

“Kudos to you for keeping me on the straight and narrow,” he joked. “I have to run. I’ll see you around.”

“Yeah.” It was time to stock up for the evening ahead; otherwise it was going to be a long night.

*

Kat’s POV

Shortly before six, I looked at myself in the mirror. My hair was combed down neatly. I had decided on a pretty simple dress. It was short and black with a red bow around the waist. My accessories consisted of a simple thin silver necklace and of course my wedding ring. There was no use in attending the function as Dana’s wife if I didn’t wear my wedding ring. I put on a pair of black flats and picked up a small black palm bag before meeting Dana in the living room.

“You look nice,” he smiled upon seeing me.

“Thanks.” I returned his smile. He looked really great as well in his black tux and open collar white button up shirt.

We left the house and arrived at the function about half an hour later. It was strange attending a function with Dana. It’s not something we’ve really done before, only once after we just got married and he just started out at his dad’s company, but that was almost two years ago. That was before everything went to shit.

Before we got out of the car, Dana turned to me. “Katherine, this is an important function. The whole company is here. Can I ask you one thing? Would you please behave? Please, don’t drink any alcohol,” he implored me.

I was extremely taken aback by his request. I’ve never given him any reason to think that I would misbehave. It hurt that he thought I would embarrass him. I just nodded solemnly, getting out of the car. As soon as we reached the party, Dana was smiling broadly and introducing me to everyone. For a moment I wondered why he didn’t invite Carrie instead, but then realized that it wouldn’t have been very acceptable for a married man to show up with his mistress. I just smiled and pretended to be the proud and happy wife. The function was stiff, everyone in their fancy outfits, each pretending to be better than the other. It kind of reminded me of my family. Everything was always about social status. A waiter passed me and I grabbed one of the glasses of champagne from his tray. I wasn’t going to embarrass Dana, but I really needed a drink. Bad memories and bad company did that to you. Besides, I missed Gerard. I couldn’t help thinking that the night would have been a million times better if I had been with him to celebrate the occasion.

“What did I say?” Dana hissed in my ear, but making sure to constantly maintain the smile on his face.

“Relax, one glass won’t make me drunk,” I told him firmly, before walking away.

“Katherine!”

I turned in the direction of the voice and quickly put a smile on my face. “Mr. Leone, hi!” The fact that his son was an asshole didn’t change the fact that this man, with the graying black hair and deep green eyes, was one of the nicest people I have ever had the pleasure to meet.

“What nonsense is this ‘Mr. Leone’? Whatever happened to Dad?” he teased good-heartedly.

I could feel the heat rise in my cheeks.

“How are you?” he asked, putting an arm around my shoulders. “We never see you anymore and the only answer we ever get from Dana is that you’re good.”

I didn’t want to worry him, because the man was like a second father to me. “He hasn’t been lying. I am good. I’ve been keeping busy at work and making new friends.”

“That’s good to hear. Barbara is here somewhere. I know she’ll love to see you too. I’ll tell her to keep an eye out for you.”

“Yes,” I said absentmindedly, having noticed Dana and Carrie talking. To my utter disbelief he flirted with her right there in front of me. Unbelievable!

Mr. Leone cleared his throat and I looked up to see a deep frown on his face. Clearly he had seen the same scene as I had. He regained his composure and gave me a sympathetic smile. “It was very good to talk to you again. We’ll talk again. You and Dana are seated at our table. Would you please excuse me, Katherine?”

“Sure.” My eyes turned back in their direction, but only Carrie was standing there now. Her eyes were on me. I remembered meeting her once before when I came to see Dana at work and I happened to run into her. The only time I’ve ever seen her since then was when she was wrapped in his arms. I decided not to let her get me down so I smiled and waved at her. Her face fell slightly at this.

‘Yeah, bitch, you’re sleeping with my husband,’ I thought, still smiling at her.

I noticed Dana making his way towards her again and this time it was her turn to smirk at me.  The smirk she sent my way made me want to claw her eyes out. I grabbed another glass of champagne and downed it.

Later that evening, Dana found me and requested a dance to which I grudgingly conceded.

“What did you say to my dad?” he asked, remaining cool and keeping up the appearance of a happy husband dancing with his lovely wife. I never realized what an excellent actor her was.

“Nothing why?”

“Then why did he pull me aside five minutes ago and demand that I end things with Carrie?” he asked, glaring down at me.

The sudden change in his mood had me bewildered. “I didn’t say anything.” He wouldn’t do anything with all the people there. “He probably saw you flirting with her earlier. Now that we’re on the subject, I can’t believe you! Did you bring me here just to rub it in my face?”

“Kate,” he said, obviously faking astonishment. “I wasn’t flirting with her. You know there’s nothing between me and her. I just feel sorry for her.”

I rolled my eyes in annoyance. Why did he insist on lying to me when he knew I knew the truth?

“Can we just forget about her for the night and just enjoy our time together?” he asked.

I didn’t mean to laugh, but I couldn’t help it.

“Are you drunk?” He demanded, annoyed as well.

“Dana, you and I are not working out. You know that as well as I do,” I told him bravely.

“You refuse to try,” he retorted.

“It’s useless…”

He sighed and let go of me, walking away. As the night progressed, I saw trouble coming. Dana told me to stay away from the alcohol, but he was drowning himself in it. It made things awkward at the dinner table. His parents weren’t stupid and kept sending questioning looks my way even though everyone tried to play it off as nothing but a young man having too much of a good time.

“Let’s dance,” Dana said, not giving me much of a choice by pulling me towards the dance floor once we were finished eating. “Do you really think there’s no hope?” he wanted to know and I nodded. “Well, that’s a shame.”

“Dana, are you okay?” I asked worriedly. He didn’t look good, but I couldn’t tell whether he was just drunk or whether something else was wrong.

He grinned stupidly at me. “I’m great.”

When the song finished, we stopped dancing. The next thing I knew, Dana’s lips were pressed against mine. My eyes grew wide and I pushed him away without thinking.

“What are you doing?” I demanded a little panicked realizing that I might have made a mistake in pushing him away like that, but it wasn’t right. None of this was right. I shouldn’t be there with him.

“I kissed you. That’s what husbands do,” he stated.

“Not when they’re drunk and cheating on their wives on top of that!” I spat, storming off. It was time for the night to come to an end. I was having the worst time of my life and now Dana wanted to play house. I couldn’t pretend that everything was alright anymore.

Dana caught up to me and grabbed me by the arm in order to stop me from running any further.

“I’m not drunk! I simply wanted to kiss you. Is that such a sin?”

“I can’t do this,” I told him.

“Be a wife? No kidding!” He rolled his eyes and turned to see if there was anyone around.

His words cut deep. Yes, I’ve made plenty of mistakes, but this wasn’t entirely my fault. We were both wrecks and we were pulling each other down.

“Dana…”

“You drink. You probably do drugs. You’re out all night. You’re never home!” He paced angrily like a lion trapped in a cage. Now I have to act like I had a choice.”

“Don’t you dare put this on me,” I said upset. “You were cheating on me with her long before I became this.” I used my hands to indicate myself.

He snorted indignantly.

“You never bothered to ask me how I knew.”

“What does it matter?” he said dismissively.

“It was barely a month after I lost the baby. I was going to therapy, but it wasn’t helping. Then the woman told me that I wouldn’t get better until I talked to someone. She told me that you and I had to work through it together. I took her advice and ran with it. I left her practice and headed straight to your office. I actually felt good at the idea of talking to you about how I felt,” I managed to admit. “I can still clearly remember walking down the hallway and up to your office door. You were the one who was going to make everything okay. At least that’s what I thought. I never expected to find you practically sitting on your desk with Carrie glued to your face!” I shouted at him with angry tears running down my face. Finally it was the right reaction. Anger. “That was when I went to the nearest bar and just kept drinking until I couldn’t see straight anymore. None of this is my fault.”

“We were trying to make it work!” he shot back defensively.

“Neither of us really did, Dana. I couldn’t get clean and you couldn’t stay away from her. I know you’re still seeing her,” I admitted sadly. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend like this is something when it’s never going to be the same again.”

“You’re leaving me?”

“I don’t want to.” I jumped when he suddenly grabbed my arms. “Dana, you can’t have it both ways.” He was seething at this point.

“Then go!” he shouted, causing me to wince. “If you don’t want to be here I sure won’t be the one to stop you. Leave!”

I pulled my arms from his grip and hurried away, getting into the first cab that came by. I gave him Gerard’s address, because knowing him, he probably stayed in, intending to get drunk by himself.

I stared out the window as the rain began to pour. I wasn’t going to Gerard because I was angry. It wasn’t because Dana kissed me or because we fought. The reason was that everything inside of me was driving me towards him. I wanted to be with him. It was as simple as that.

*

Gerard’s POV

A knock on the door drew my attention from the empty alcohol containers on the table in front of me. I should have bought more. I wasn’t close to being drunk yet. It was still early, though. There was still time to go out and buy more. I was all out of cigarettes too.

There was another knock on the door and I slowly got up from the couch with a sigh. I was halfway to the door before remembering that the keys were on the kitchen counter.

“I’m coming,” I called out, turning back to grab the keys.

The keys were soon turning in the lock and the door swung open to reveal Kat, completely drenched like she had been walking miles in the rain, but at the same time I’ve never seen her so beautiful before. Dressed in the little black dress, wet hair in her face and shivering, all I wanted to do was take her in my arms. Her make-up had run down her cheeks leaving dark marks under her eyes.

“Kat,” I gasped, not having expected to see her at all tonight or in such a state. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at the party with Dana?”

She didn’t say anything, simply stepping forward and pressing her lips to mine. It ended before I could react and the relief with which she looked at me made my heart both clench and swell inside my chest simultaneously.

She walked past me and sat down on the couch, allowing me time to shut the door. I hurriedly fetched a towel and a dry jacket.

“Here.”

She gladly accepted the towel and started drying her face and arms. In the mean time I turned on the coffee machine. When I turned back she was still shivering and staring into space.

“Are you okay?” I asked, sitting down next to her on the couch. “What happened tonight?” I had to ask when she didn’t respond.

Her head slowly turned towards me and although she was slightly pale, she looked… almost relieved. “Nothing… Nothing happened.”

“Are you sure?” I stared deep into her eyes searching for any indication that something was wrong, but found nothing.

“Gerard, is it okay if we stay in and just watch a movie or something?”

“Yes, sure, of course.” I finished making coffee, put on a movie and covered us with a blanket. Kat moved closer to me, clutching a warm cup of coffee in her hands and resting her head on my shoulder.

“This is nice.” She was completely at ease and soon fell asleep like that.

I carefully removed the half drunken cup of coffee from her grip and gently picked her up, taking her to the bedroom and tucking her into bed. I wasn’t sure whether to believe that everything really was okay, but for now she was there with me where I could keep an eye on her. I sauntered back to the living room, sitting down on the couch and finally allowing myself to think about that kiss. Something has definitely changed. I got as comfortable as possible on the old couch and allowed myself to dream of the possibility that things might finally work out in my favor.

Chapter Text

I woke up all alone in a quiet apartment. Not even the clock on the kitchen wall was ticking anymore. Its battery died around three if you could believe the time it showed. Kat was gone. I looked everywhere, but she was nowhere to be found. She wasn’t in bed and she wasn’t in the shower either. Aside from those places there was nowhere else she could be.

“Figures. That’s what you get for getting your hopes up,” I muttered to myself, walking around the apartment and throwing empty alcohol and fast food containers into a black trash bag. I only really took care of the area around the couch before dropping the bag right there on the floor.

Since I didn’t have anything else to do, I decided to take a shower. I couldn’t recall the last time I had had one. It was definitely long overdue. My black hair was an oily, tangled mess. Even after the wash, it was difficult to get a brush through them. I almost looked okay after taking a shower and putting on some relatively clean clothes. I think I had only worn them twice since their last wash. They had to suffice as everything else was pretty much rotten.

There was the sound of a key in the door and then Kat came through the door, looking surprised to see me up. “Oh, hi. I thought I would get back before you woke up.”

“No, I’m up. I’m up.” I cleared my throat. The conversation seemed strained. At least that was what it felt like from my side.

“I ran down to the nearest Starbucks and got us some coffee and a couple of those chocolate chip muffins you like.” She walked into the apartment and put the aforementioned items down on the kitchen counter.

My eyes followed her all the way to where she started moving things around on the little table to the side where all my drawings were scattered.

“You shouldn’t have.” She really shouldn’t have, because she shouldn’t have come back after leaving. After what she had done the night before, kissing me, I really shouldn’t be seeing her ever again.

“It’s the least I could do after all you’ve done for me, especially after you let me steal your bed last night. Here.” She tossed me a muffin. “Sorry about that.”

I fiddled with the wrapping and walked over to the counter where I put the muffin back down. “Kat.”

“Yes?” She looked at me expectantly.

“Why did you come here last night?” It was the first question that made its way out. There were a million more that were trying to fight their way out of me. I didn’t understand why that was the first one that came to mind. Perhaps I needed some semblance of emotion, that she had some kind of feelings towards me, in order to squash this feeling that I was only good enough when she needed me.

She lowered the cup of coffee which had been halfway to her lips and now she was looking at me confused. “What do you mean? I knew you would be here instead of out with your friends as I suggested, because I know how you deal with these situations.”

“You understand that we have a situation then.”

She put her coffee down. “Is something wrong, Gerard?”

I leaned back against the counter for a split second before walking around to the other side of it. “We’ve had this conversation before. I’m not doing it again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that you chose to come here, that you consider me to be your safe place, but what you’re doing is cruel. You said it yourself, the situation is… we have a situation.” My hands found a place to rest on the counter top. “You know how I feel about you, but you completely disregard my feelings in everything you do.” I started to walk around, feeling restless, for lack of a better word. “Why else would you ask me if I was okay with you going with him? You know very well that I’m not. You always come to me when you’re having problems with your husband. And then last night you kissed me like it was the most natural thing on earth.” I stopped pacing and looked her dead in the eyes. I was nervous about her response, but there was something that I needed to know. “Do you? Care?” I swallowed, because maybe that wasn’t the right question to ask. I needed to know the answer regardless of what it was. “At all?”

“What kind of question is that?”

That was not a real answer and I shook my head in disappointment. “You’re using me, but I can’t be your crutch anymore. I won’t be. I have to think of myself for once.” I left the apartment, shutting the door behind me and walking down the hallway, finally sitting down halfway down the stairs. Hopefully she would leave soon enough and then maybe this will all be over.

I surprised myself by saying all those things and walking out. I honestly didn’t think I had it in me. It was good. It was necessary. For me. I nearly jumped out of my skin when Kat suddenly sat down next to me on the stairs. The space was somewhat limited on the way down and we sat shoulder to shoulder, slightly crammed between the walls.

“The party sucked.”

I shifted in place.

“I didn’t want to go. I had plans with you after all.” She began to tell me. “He flirted with her right in front of me. He didn’t even care.” Her voice cracked at the end.

As always, the man had my blood boiling in my veins. He wasn’t even there. If I ever had the opportunity to deck the guy, I totally would, because he was a real son of a bitch. I couldn’t understand why she didn’t see that. Why the hell was she still with him? But I refused to relive that conversation.

“We had this huge fight. It was horrible.” She sighed deeply at that.

“Why are you telling me all this?” I wanted to know.

“Because,” she said, reaching out to take my hand. “I do care. Nothing of what happened last night matters. I didn’t come here because of that. I came here because I wanted to be with you. That is why I kissed you.”

“So you remember.” I watched her lace her fingers with mine.

“Of course I do.” Her eyes smoldered as she said this and it almost made me forget my resolve, but I caught myself in time. The close contact between our bodies weren’t helping either and I jumped up, barely keeping myself up on the steps in my hurry.

“Don’t do that!”

Kat looked up at me in bewilderment.

“You look at me with those big doe eyes and they are so damn beautiful.” I was frustrated. With her. With myself. With this whole messed up situation. I had all these warring emotions inside of me. Do I tell her to go to hell or just keep doing what I’m doing? “And you care?” I wasn’t faking the derision that came with that question. “What you’re doing is manipulating me all over again. The same way you always do.” My tone had turned accusatory.

“You misjudge me.”

“Is that so?” I asked indignantly.

“Who was there for you when you drank yourself right into the hospital? I don’t recall your friends dropping by. Ray and Mikey were there, but their ulterior motives forced you to practically escape from the hospital. Who found you after you disappeared and then dragged your drunken ass all the way back to your apartment? Who defended you every single time someone attacked you? Me! I stuck by you through everything!” I wasn’t sure whether or not she was upset with me. On the one hand it seemed like it, which would have been fair, but on the other hand, it looked more like she was trying to convince me to take her side, begging me to see things from her point of view. “I tried so damn hard to save my marriage, but every time you hit a bump in the road, I came running. I put your interests above that of my marriage.”

I huffed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” As far as I was concerned, ever since she and Dana had attempted to fix things, she had left me behind every time.

“The night of your birthday I picked you up from the bar and took care of you. That night had been the final breaking point in my marriage. Why wouldn’t it be? I had snuck out in the middle of the night while my husband was in bed in order to be with another man.” She shook her head at her own actions, as if thinking back on it, the thought appeared to be insane. “I should have known back then, the way I should have known from my reaction when you told me you loved me. I was upset because I was terribly afraid of losing you.”

Her attempt to soften my heart was working better than I wanted it to. In her own messed up way she was proving to me that she did in fact care despite my doubts.

“What happened last night?” My head needed to be tested, because yet again, I was asking the wrong question. What did it matter what had happened the night before? It had absolutely nothing to do with the issue at hand.

Kat was surprised by my question as much as I was. I sat back down next to her, having calmed down considerably. I waited patiently for her to tell me the full story.

“Nothing,” she answered too quickly, piquing my interest.

I threw a look of skepticism her way. “Kat, I know you. I could see that something upset you last night the second you appeared at my door. Tell me what happened.”

She breathed deeply, fidgeting with the bow on her dress. “Okay, to tell you the truth, it was a disaster right from the start, with me not really wanting to go and him actually wanting to be there with someone else instead, which sort of ended up being the case.”

I didn’t understand what she was saying. “What do you mean?” The deep frown creasing my forehead was a clear sign of my confusion.

“He spent most of the night with his mistress to the point where his own parents were embarrassed. I already told you how he shamelessly flirted with her in front of everyone. I’m not exactly sure why I was there.”

I bristled with anger, fuming all over again, but this time my anger was directed at Dana instead of at Kat which was a huge relief if I had to be completely honest.

“And then later, while we were dancing, he tried to kiss me.”

Suddenly my insides froze over. I always knew, or at the very least assumed, considering their relationship, that they were intimate, but having her state the obvious was like having a bucket of ice poured over me.

“I pushed him away immediately.”

My eyes grew wide at this, because I couldn’t imagine that he would have taken her actions very well.

“We had an argument and I ran off, but he caught up to me and…” She was practically shaking next to me. “A lot of things were said and things got heated. That’s when I left.” She finished shortly.

What she said bothered me, because there was something she wasn’t telling me. “Kat.” My left hand came up under her chin in order to force her to look at me. This was important. “Did he hurt you?”

“It wasn’t that bad,” she stuttered out. “I’m fine.”

“Did he hurt you?” I reiterated.

“No!” she exclaimed now, pulling away from me. “It’s not like he hit me or anything.”

“Kat,” I spoke, my voice ominously low. “Has Dana hit you before?”

My eyes caught the movement of her throat as she swallowed hard. However, no word escaped her.

I clenched my fists tightly. “I swear I will kill him.” It was a deadly calm vow.

“Gerard, no, don’t do this!” Kat jumped up to catch my arm and stop me in my tracks.

I ripped my arm from her grip. “What kind of a man lays his hands on a woman?? What kind of a husband lays his hands on his wife??? If he ever touches you again…” I demanded, seething, pretty much seeing only red.

“He won’t,” Kat assured me, her voice desperate. She was scared. “He would never hurt me like that.”

“He already has!” I said and she looked away. “I’m sorry,” I apologized, knowing that I had crossed the line even though it was nothing but the truth. “I don’t want you to be with him anymore. I don’t want him anywhere near you.”

Her deep blue eyes looked at me in shock, clearly not having expected that at all.

“The thought of you with him… it drives me crazy,” I admitted. “Even before I knew all of this.” I could imagine my eyes being wild with emotions at this moment. “I know this is a lot to ask, but please…” I was facing her completely now, maintaining eye contact with her. “Get a divorce from him. Neither one of you is happy and you both have someone else you would rather be with. Life could be much simpler. You know I love you and I’m not going anywhere. I can make you happy,” I pleaded with her. “I know you’re afraid, but…”

“I’ll do it,” she told me quietly.

*

Kat’s POV

I walked into the house to find Dana wiping the kitchen counter clean. He jumped when he saw me.

“I didn’t expect you home so soon.”

“I didn’t come home last night,” I pointed out as if he had somehow missed that fact.

He sniffed and nodded, turning away. “I know. Are you staying or heading out?”

I walked deeper into the room until I was opposite him with the counter between us. Maybe on some subconscious level it was a way for me to ensure that he didn’t get his hands on me again. It was awful that this was what our relationship had been reduced to. I was afraid of him. I knew that I shouldn’t be. I had no reason to be afraid of Dana. It’s not like he was a violent person by nature. Aside from the three times he has lashed out at me.

“I’m glad you’re home. I actually came here to talk to you.” I told him, pulling the hand cloth closer and folding it.

Dana looked at me, the previously guilty expression gone from his face. Now he showed nothing but interest in what I had to say.

“I meant what I said last night. Our relationship is over and I think we should get a divorce. I want a divorce.” There. It was out now and there was no taking it back. Now it was his turn to say something.

For a moment it looked like he didn’t understand a word I was saying, until realization dawned, but his reaction was nothing like I had expected.

“I get it. For better or for worse until the next guy comes along,” he said, walking around the counter to stand next to me.

“What?” My confusion was genuine.

Dana looked down at me seriously and wasted no time in answering my question. “You’re leaving me for Gerard Way.”

That came out of nowhere. How the hell did he even know about Gerard? I never mentioned him, not once. Gerard wouldn’t have spoken to him either. It made no sense. I couldn’t pinpoint whether I was more puzzled by the revelation of his knowledge of Gerard or whether I was more panicked by it.

“How do you…”

“Come on!” He exclaimed, taking a step back from me, although it did nothing to help me relax. My heart was beating at a mile per minute, because things could go south at any minute. In fact, they already had. “Give me a little credit. I’m not stupid.”

I was stunned into silence. I couldn’t get myself to form any words and simply stood there, waiting for him to continue.

“Is he that guy who was at Starbucks yesterday? The two of you looked awfully cozy.”

“Dana…” I managed, but he didn’t give me much chance to speak and cut me short almost immediately.

“You’re trying to make me feel bad about being with Carrie while you’ve been with this guy for who knows how long. At least now I know where you sneak off to on your little midnight excursions or where you disappear to when we don’t see eye to eye. It’s a little hypocritical don’t you think?” His feelings on the subject weren’t very clear. Yes, he was using Gerard against me now, but he didn’t show signs of anger or hurt or anything really. It unsettled me even more than I had already been.

“Don’t worry, Babe. Your secret’s safe with me,” he winked and pinched my cheek before turning away from me. “I’ll give you your divorce, but…” He paused and turned back to face me. “You’re not getting anything else from me. I hope your new boyfriend has a decent job, because I seriously doubt that you’ll survive on tips from work.”

I hadn’t thought about that, about everything that getting a divorce meant and he was right, I’ll have a hard time staying afloat. I would need to get a new place and pay rent. I didn’t earn much of a salary and then there were my other needs to think about as well… Gerard barely made enough money to keep himself alive. There was no way I could expect him to take care of me too. No, I couldn’t back out of my decision now. We’ll figure it out. Gerard and I will be fine. We’ll manage, together.

“I’ll have the papers drawn up,” Dana stated simply. “Good thing we don’t have need for a custody battle.” The disdain with which he said it caused something in me to break.

“What happened to you? When and why did you become such an awful person?”

“That my dear is something I don’t have to explain to you anymore, because we’re over now, remember?”

I shook my head. He turned out to be a real disappointment. “And you think I’m a train -wreck.” I mumbled to myself. “At least tell me how you know about Gerard.”

“He’s your emergency contact at the hospital. I was there the other day and since we share a file, I saw his name.”

“Oh.” With everything that has happened lately, it was true that I had changed my emergency contact at the hospital. Gerard would be the better person to arrive at the hospital if I needed to get my stomach pumped or something like that. He would support me unconditionally while Dana would only pass judgment. I completely forgot about Dana possibly finding out, but he never went to the hospital so it didn’t seem necessary to think that far. I never actually expected him to find out that way. I had never expected him to find out at all.

Dana looked at me expectantly and I realized that he was waiting for me to leave which I did right after changing and grabbing an overnight bag. The conversation had turned out a lot different than I had expected. Dana agreed too easily and then there was the fact that he knew about Gerard. For a moment I felt guilty about it, like I had somehow betrayed him. I had to remind myself that I had never done anything wrong. Nothing ever happened between Gerard and me. I kept my side clean. The only thing I ever did wrong was to keep him a secret and of course everything that had happened since I had left the party the night before – kissing Gerard and all but declaring my love for him.

None of that mattered anymore though, because I was free and it felt strange, but good. It was liberating, because for a change I didn’t have worry about what Dana would think, or wonder what he was up to. It was all about me now.

*

I burst into Gerard’s apartment barely half an hour later. He looked up from the sketch he was working on and I could see it in his eyes. Hope. I walked over to him and took a hold of his upper arms to pull him into a standing position.

“Are you okay?” he looked at me worriedly, most likely due to my strange actions. “Did…”

“I’m fine,” I assured him in a breath before kissing him and for a few seconds he let me, but I guess reality kicked in and he gently pushed me away.

“Whoa, stop. What are you doing?” His hazel eyes searched my face for an answer and he waited, waited for me to say something, anything to explain myself.

“I told Dana that I wanted a divorce and it went as well as can be expected. I didn’t even get to tell him the part about us both being happier after it, but I feel it. It’s true, Gerard.”

“Yeah, but this? Are you sure?” His eyes didn’t leave mine once, the same way they haven’t all day long. He was trying to see into my soul and in that moment I hoped that he did, because then we wouldn’t have to waste time talking about what was going on in there. Everything would be explained with a short glimpse. Of course he couldn’t. “You said that you didn’t want to be anything like him,” he clarified, still waiting for a response.

I stepped back from him and for a split second anger tried to take over. “I’m nothing like Dana. I never will be. I loved him, but he didn’t care. If he did, he never would have treated me the way he did and he never would have cheated on me with Carrie. You were right about everything,” I admitted. “I should have left him a long time ago, but I convinced myself that I needed him, but looking back now, I would have been better off without him. I thought that he was the one.” I laughed sardonically. “It’s bullshit. There’s no such thing. I played it over and over in my mind on my way here and I think I figured it out.” I talked excitedly, using my hands as I did so, as if to emphasize what I was saying. “I know you’ve already convinced yourself that you’re not the right guy for me.”

He looked shocked that I would know something like that since he had never said anything. Welcome to my world. He didn’t realize that by now I knew him that well. I understood how his mind worked.

“And maybe you’re right. Maybe you’re not the right guy for me, but who the hell cares?” I was smiling now and I had no idea why. “It’s not about meeting the right guy. It’s about meeting the good guy. You’re not the right guy for me, but you’re good to me and that’s all that matters.” My body was pressed up against his again.

“Kat…”

“Dana already thinks I’m cheating on him. I might as well earn the title. Besides, I don’t care what he thinks anymore. I told you this morning, it’s about you now.”

Gerard’s eyes were closed now and our foreheads were pressed together. “I’m not doing this just because you think it’s what I want,” he breathed out.

“I’m not. I’m telling you that I want this too.”

His eyes shot open and I swear we’ve never been this close to each other before. The intensity with which he looked at me already had my heart racing and the hairs in the back of my neck raising.

No further words were necessary once our lips reconnected and this time neither one of us was stopping. Gerard’s arms circled around me, pulling me closer to him, our bodies fitting together like two puzzle pieces. This movement alone caused a little moan to sound in the back of my throat. My own hands came up to cup his face before moving further up into his hair.

This all escalated very quickly. If someone had told me that morning that I would be getting a divorce from my husband and sleeping with another man by the end of the day, I would have laughed at them. The idea would have been absurd and yet there I was, exactly in that precise position. Chances were that I was making brash decisions, letting everything happen too quickly, but my heart didn’t operate the same way my head did and my heart was telling me that this was right. Sometimes the heart knew best what we needed.

Goosebumps appeared all over my body when Gerard’s hands slipped under my shirt and came to rest on the bare flesh of my waist. His thumbs briefly dipped down under the waistband of my jeans, lightly moving along the skin there. He had to pull them back when I took off his shirt, tossing it aside. They returned to my lower back and he guided me towards the bedroom.

Before I knew it, he was fumbling with the front of my jeans and then both the button and the zipper were undone. I helped him remove them and when I lay down on the bed, he followed me, his lips clearly fearing a separation from mine. My fingers trailed up the smooth skin of his back and I could feel his own goosebumps under them. One finally came to rest on the arm supporting his weight, while the other found a place, playing with the hair at the nape of his neck.

His lips kissed a line from my lips, down to my jaw and down my neck until they reached the obstruction my shirt presented. He made quick work of removing the obstacle and we were finally skin against skin. This caused a considerable rise in temperature and my insides turned pleasantly.

The one good thing about how things were happening was that we were both sober, relatively speaking. This wasn’t alcohol induced lust. Gerard broke the kiss and looked down at me for what felt like an eternity, but in reality was only a few seconds. His eyes conveyed every emotion he was feeling and he loved me. He loved me regardless of the way I’ve treated him and regardless of all the bad shit that came with that. It didn’t matter that I was a fuck up. I was his fuck up.

I helped him get rid of his pants. He touched every inch of my body and his lips placed kisses all over my chest, down until he kissed my left hipbone. I pulled his face back up to my own and kissed him deeply, fervently. I wanted this to last. His hands glided up my arms before moving down again along with my bra straps. I could feel him straining against his briefs against my thigh. He planted a few more kisses down the middle of my breasts, quickly removing my bra and getting rid of his last piece of clothing.

That was when my heart started beating uncontrollably. My breaths were already coming out short and raspy. I could feel him slowly slide my black hipster down my legs. Now there was nothing left to hide us from one another and he was beautiful. That was the last coherent thought I had before his hands moved back up my body, briefly cupping my breasts and then one slipped beneath me and around my back, holding me close to him. I caught a glimmer in his eyes right before he pushed inside of me. A long breath escaped my lips as he did so, my head practically buried back in the pillow. I tightly grabbed onto his shoulders as he kept pushing deeper inside of me. His lips touched the dip at the bottom of my throat and I couldn’t take it anymore, forcing our lips back together. Our bodies moved together and I could have sworn at one point I felt Gerard smirk against my lips, but my mind was all over the place.

Our breathing was ragged and our bodies hot, every part covered in sweat. He said something I couldn’t quite catch and dropped his head down on my shoulder. He increased his pace and I could soon feel his body go rigid, but he kept moving, the muscles in his back shifting beneath my fingertips until I felt the buildup in my own body. My mind and body went completely numb after that and Gerard relaxed on top of me, gasping for air. I stroked his hair and kissed the top of his head, regaining my own breath or rather my senses while my entire body still tingled from the sensation of climaxing.

Gerard shifted, lying down beside me and pulling me into his arms and for the first time in a very long time I felt serene and safe. He brought one of my hands up to his lips and kissed it tenderly. He let out a content sigh and shut his eyes.

When I reached out to turn off the bedside lamp, my eyes landed on my wedding ring. My stomach dropped at the sight and at the reminder of everything that had happened that day. My marriage was over, the one thing that had been for the longest time meant everything to me. It was over, having died a slow and painful death. My vision blurred with tears. I couldn’t help myself.

“Hey,” Gerard whispered. “What’s the matter?” He shifted behind me, supporting himself on one elbow and looking at me with concern etched on his beautiful face.

“I’m sorry. I’m ruining everything when it was all so perfect.” Tears were streaming down my cheeks and I couldn’t stop crying.

He cupped one side of my face. “You’re sad about your marriage.”

“I shouldn’t be. This isn’t about Dana. I just…”

“Shh. It will be okay.” Gerard kissed my forehead.

I burrowed closer to him, still crying and allowing him to hold me tightly. I just needed a little time to mourn my loss. After all the time I had spent fighting to save it, letting it go now was just too much.

Chapter Text

There comes a time in life when you realize that there is no turning back. That your actions cannot be undone. That when you mess up and make a mistake, you have no choice but to deal with the consequences. It’s called taking responsibility. But what happens when you fuck up so badly that you can’t possibly take responsibility, when what you do not only ruins your own life, but that of others too?

I was drunk beyond all hope or repair. There was no sensible thought left in me. I shouldn’t have been. I had no reason to be. Things were great for once, relatively speaking, and when you ignored my raging alcohol addiction. Kat was finally getting a divorce from her abusive husband and above all, she had picked me. Sort of. I wasn’t sure where we stood at that moment, but in my opinion things were good.

“You are out of control!” It was meant as a compliment. Bert was impressed. “I’m going to miss this.” He and his band were getting on the road the next day to start their tour. It wasn’t going to be anything huge considering they were only starting out, but at least he was doing something good with his life. He was going somewhere. I was stuck in a rut.

“No, you have to go and make us all proud.”

“That we will.” Quinn was there as well. It was like a celebratory farewell party. Apparently Bert had invited Meagan to drop by, but since she was pregnant, she didn’t think it would be a good idea, considering the smoke filled bar.

“Where’s your girl, Gerard?” Bert wanted to know.

All eyes turned to me and waited for my answer. I shrugged. “I don’t know. We haven’t spoken yet today.” I’ve kind of been avoiding her, making my own coffee and skipping on Starbucks. There were some things going on inside my mind that I needed to deal with.

Bert pulled me aside. “What'S going on there?”

“Nothing,” I lied. “We don’t have to be stuck together 24/7.”

“I was just asking.” He put his hands up in mock defense. “I guess you’re serious about moving on. Personally, I think it’s better than getting your heart ripped out over and over again.”

He didn’t have to know what was really going on. About her divorce. About us sleeping together…

“I don’t know.” I sighed deeply, ordering another beer. “Let’s not talk about her. Let’s not talk. Cheers.” We raised our mugs and clinked them together.

It must have been another hour before Kat showed up. She looked tired, but relieved to see me.

“There you are. I have been looking for you everywhere.”

“Well, you found me.” I sadly peered into my nearly empty beer mug, wondering where all the contents had disappeared to so quickly.

“You weren’t at the apartment or at our usual bar. That’s when I guessed that you would most likely be here then. Is everything okay?” Her voice seemed to waver on that last question.

Instead of answering her question, I turned to the barman. “Two more beers please.” Once they arrived, I pushed one over to Kat.

“Thanks, I really need this,” she stated, plopping down on the barstool next to me. “It’s been a really long day.”

“Katherine!” Bert had finally noticed her and strolled over to say hello. “I’m pleased to see you here. Our boy has gotten a bit lonely without you.” He was standing closer to her than me and he looked genuinely pleased to see her. He didn’t even know her that well.

“I can tell.” The raven-haired beauty shot me a sideways glance. “Is he alright?” Her question was directed at Bert, because she finally realized that I wasn’t in a talking mood.

The male with the long, greasy hair let out a laugh. “To be completely honest with you, I don’t think he’s ever been alright.”

“Gerard,” Kat began to speak, turning to face me.

“Drink. Be merry.” I cut her short. “It’s fun. Trust me.”

“Fine.” She downed the rest of her beer and moved on to more potent stuff. She was quite obviously pissed off at me now, not that it mattered.

I caught Bert throwing a questioning look my way, but I ignored that too. I wasn’t in the caring mood tonight. The alcohol wasn’t making me feel any better about myself either. If anything, I only felt worse. It was one of those nights again. I guess it was long overdue. Bert apparently decided to move along to the more cheerful part of our company, leaving the two of us to brood on our own.

“I had to see Dana again today,” Kat informed me. “We went to see a lawyer in order to have the divorce papers drawn up.”

I sat frozen. I knew it was necessary, but I didn’t like the idea of her seeing him at all. “Oh.”

“It wasn’t easy, especially not since he was more like the guy I used to know. I don’t understand it. It’s like he has a split personality or something.” She shook her head, frowning deeply. “One minute he’s a nice guy and the next…”

“You don’t have to think about it anymore,” I interrupted her. I didn’t want to hear about what a great guy he was. After all, I didn’t think that there was anything great about him. He was supposed to be out of the picture. Unless she decided to change her mind. I took large gulps of alcohol until my glass was empty. “You get to start a new life now. You should do it right.”

“And what would the right way be?” she asked shortly. “Feel free to share your infinite wisdom with me.” Sarcasm was dripping from her voice.

“I’m sorry.” The guilt finally kicked in. “I’m sorry for being an ass and I’m sorry that you have to go through this.” It was a sincere apology. “It can’t be easy.”

“It could be easier.” Her eyes held blame when they met mine and I felt even more like a dog.

“Can I please have another?” I breathed, tapping my finger on the empty glass in front of me.

*

“I’m here with my car.” Kat was wasted and it was nothing short of a miracle that I was still standing. I didn’t have any more money left and it would have been a long walk home so I got in on the passenger side of her car, waiting for her to start the engine and take us home.

“Gerard, what’s wrong with you?” Kat asked once we were seated in the silence of the car.

“Nothing.” I stared out the window, because I didn’t feel like talking. I had actually hoped that she would be too intoxicated to care about much else than sleeping then she wouldn’t be pestering me with questions.

Of course she had other ideas and she kept pushing for an answer. “You’re not acting like yourself. I don’t know this person.”

“Could you please drop it? I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Are you mad that I was upset about my marriage ending? If you are, you need to get over it, because it’s not exactly something I have any control over.”

My only response was to snort. She had no idea what was going on inside my head. I wasn’t so petty that wouldn’t allow her to be sad about the ending of a large part of her life.

Maybe if I hadn’t been so drunk, I would have been more aware of my surroundings. I might have been more alert. But I wasn’t and all I could recall was the flash of lights before we were parked against a lamp post.

“Gerard?”

“It’s okay. We’re okay.” The accident shocked most of the alcohol from my system or maybe it resulted from the realization that we could have died. “Are you okay?”

Kat sniffed. “Yeah, I’m… I’m fine.”

I pushed the car door open and stumbled out. I heard Kat getting out of the car too. It was a good sign. She was moving. She was okay. I was comforted by that knowledge, but it also allowed me to fully register what had happened.

“Fuck!” I screamed into the night. Passing cars slowed down, curious to see what was going on, but no one stopped. Of course, no one wanted to get involved.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I stomped around the road. “Stupid! Irresponsible! Reckless!” I growled out angrily, kicking at the road, over to the sidewalk where I finally kicked a trash can out of frustration and anger. “Why don’t we get in a car and drive? It’s not like we can’t fucking see straight!” I kicked the trash can again, ignoring the pain that came with it.

“Gerard, it’s okay.” Kat quietly spoke up behind me.

“No, it’s not okay!” I exclaimed loudly. The sound rang out and I took care to lower my voice when I spoke again. “It’s so not fucking okay.” I paced around furiously. “Do you realize what we just did?” I demanded from her. “One of my best friends died because some drunk couldn’t keep his car on the road and now this? We’re no better than that murderer.” I seethed. “It doesn’t matter that we didn’t hit anyone. We were lucky. We never should have gotten in that car. Not in our current conditions.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault!” I snapped at her again. The thoughts that have been haunting me all day were about to make their appearance, because there would be no better time. “The last few days have been a series of bad choices from my end. It’s like I’m hell bent on destroying myself. First I have unprotected sex with you and now this.” I dragged a hand through my hair, holding my head in distress.

“What?” Kat wondered barely above a whisper.

“The other night,” I stated, because I didn’t need to explain what I was talking about. “I didn’t wear a condom. How fucking stupid can I be? I can’t even use alcohol as an excuse, because I didn’t have that much to drink.” I could have cried just at the thought of my idiocy. “Look at us! We can’t be parents.”

“Gee…”

“You know me. I’m a mess.” I tapped my chest with my hands in emphasis. “I’m in no place to have to take care of a kid. I would mess him up badly, but I can’t very well just walk away, especially not after the speech I had given Bert.”

“Gerard.”

“So fucking stupid.” I held my head in my hands, shaking it in dismay. “I couldn’t keep it in my pants for five more seconds. That’s what you get. You should have known better too!” I told her accusingly. This wasn’t my mess alone.

“Gerard, stop talking!” Kat practically yelled at me and my mouth shut. I stared at her, waiting for her to say something that would make me feel better. How was she going to justify this? She always covered for all the bad things the people in her life did. This was one situation she couldn’t talk herself out of easily, though.

“I’m not pregnant,” she stated simply.

That was it? “You can’t know that! We have to buy a test to be sure. Tomorrow…”

“Gerard, I swear…” She grabbed my shoulders to stop my pacing. My mind was in a frenzy, it had been all day, thinking of what would happen if it turned out that she had become pregnant. It was the worst possible thing that could happen at that point in time. “I promise you that I’m not pregnant.”

“How can you know that?”

“Because I’m on birth control.” It was the simplest response and it made perfect sense. That was why she hadn’t said anything then and why she wasn’t worried about it now. “I’ve been on birth control ever since Dana and I reconciled.”

“Oh.” The relief was immense to the point where “oh” was all I could manage to get out. An entire day of distress had been for nothing. I had been breaking my head over it for no reason. She wasn’t pregnant. I wasn’t about to screw up a child’s life. The amount of alcohol I had consumed during the last ten hours… wow.

Kat’s chuckle interrupted my thoughts. “Do you honestly think I’m that stupid? After everything I told you about my past? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice… No, I’m not pregnant.” She looked at me reassuringly and only now did I feel myself relax. “Unbelievable, but I’m glad to know that there is a good explanation for why you’ve been acting like a dick all night.” She looked around, at the crashed car, at the curious bystanders. “You’re a masochist, you know that? Why else would you always conjure up these absurd thoughts with which you torture yourself?”

“I don’t know.” I sighed, exhausted from all the emotions that have been plaguing me all day and the sudden relief that just flooded me. I stepped closer to Kat and inspected her appearance. “You’re hurt.” There was a cut on her forehead. “We need to get you to a hospital. You might have a concussion.”

She shook her head. “I’m fine.”

“You have two massive jerks in your life and you just can’t seem to get rid of them,” I attempted to joke, but failed to add any humor to my voice. “I’m sorry. You needed my support today and I wasn’t there for you. It can’t be easy and no, I’m not mad because you’re upset about the divorce. As much as I hate to say this, you still love Dana, despite everything that’s happened and that’s why you’re sad. I get that. I don’t like it, but I understand. At least I’m trying to.” I admitted sheepishly. “And I’m sorry I let things go too far last night. You weren’t ready and I should have known that.”

“No, don’t apologize for that, please. I was ready for it. I just wasn’t ready for the way I felt afterwards.”

“Guilty.”

She nodded. “Maybe it was too soon, I don’t know, but it was right and I wouldn’t change it for the world,” she said, hugging me. “Thank you for being so very understanding about all of this. It can’t be easy.”

It felt strange to be hugging her like this, but good strange. There was nothing holding us back anymore. There was nothing holding me back. There had always been this fear that I might overstep some boundary whenever there had been any physical contact between us. I always had to worry about how she would react or even about how I would react. Not anymore. We finally trusted each other, no holds barred. All the walls were down and all the fear that had separated us from each other was gone. I will never leave and neither will she.

Kat stepped back and gave me her wallet. “Here, take this.”

I looked down at it, confused. “Why?”

“Because I need someone to come bail me out.”

Only now did I become aware of the flashing blue lights approaching. “I’m not leaving you.”

“This isn’t a discussion. I will see you later.” She briefly kissed my lips before walking back towards the car wreck.

I snuck away and watched from a nearby alleyway as the cops inspected the accident site and questioned Kat before taking her away. After that, everyone on the street continued about their business like none of it had ever happened. Now all that was left for me to do was wait for Kat to call and tell me where she was in order for me to get her out.

Chapter Text

“I’ll only be an hour or two,” I told Gerard over the phone, as I unlocked the front door of the house, phone wedged between my right ear and shoulder in order for me to have the use of both hands.

“Isn’t there anything I can help with?” he wanted to know as I stepped inside the house.

I smiled to myself, because Gerard was worrying too much over nothing. “No, Dana isn’t home.” The house was silent and he was always still stuck at the office at this time.

“Okay, well, let me know if he gets there and I’ll come over.” Gerard told me and I could tell that he was uncomfortable with this whole thing. He didn't want me home, definitely not alone. If it were up to him, he would probably put me in a glass box to keep me safe forever. In this case, he was the glass box meant to keep me safe, but being too fragile to be completely effective if necessity were to call.

“That’s really not necessary,” I assured him, appreciating everything he has done and I knew he would still do for me.

Gerard let out an audible sigh on the other end of the phone call. “I’d feel a lot better if you weren’t alone with him.”

“Gerard, he’s been my husband for more than a year. I’ve been with him for a lot longer. Don’t worry.”

He sighed again. “Okay. I’ll see you later.”

I smiled at the prospect, even though he couldn’t see me. “Yes, later.”

I put my phone and keys on the kitchen counter and headed to the bedroom. My suitcases were pretty soon filled with all my clothes. I used a box to put in everything else like my shoes, accessories and other belongings. It took a little longer than I had expected it to. By the time I had loaded most of my things in the car, it was already a quarter to nine.

I quickly texted Gerard to let him know that I was on my way before walking back to the bedroom to collect the last of my things. I felt sad to be leaving this house. Despite all the bad things that have happened since moving in, it had still been my home for more than two years.

Upon returning to the living room, Dana was just closing the front door. I had actually hoped to be gone before he got home, but unfortunately that wasn’t the way it was. He looked at the box in my hands, frowned and then looked up at me.

“Where are you going?” he asked confused.

“I told you that I’m moving out. We’re getting a divorce, remember?”

“What are you talking about?” He seemed completely lost, not at all himself.
“You’re drunk,” I noted. There wasn't time for this. If I stayed, he would soften my heart and Gerard would not see me tonight. I knew him well enough to know that that would break his heart.

I readjusted my grip on the box and made my way towards the front door. Surprisingly, Dana didn't try to stop me. That was true until I stepped outside.

“You can't do this.”

I could hear his footsteps approaching and I quickened my pace.

“Stop!” His voice was a lot louder this time and he suddenly grabbed onto the box in my hands.

“Dana, stop. Let go!” We were both pulling at opposite ends of the box until it tore and everything went crashing to the ground. “What the hell is wrong with you?” I shouted angrily, bending down to pick up my scattered possessions.

He didn’t say a word. From the corner of my eye I noticed him turn and leave, disappearing into the house. Once my things were all in the car, I headed back up the path towards the front door. I wish I could simply leave, but as luck would have it, my cell phone and keys were still in the kitchen. I found Dana on the couch with his head in his hands. Perhaps he wasn’t drunk after all, but something was definitely up with him.

Against my better judgment I asked him what was wrong. “Dana, what is it? Please talk to me.”

“Chalk it up to abandonment issues,” he let me heard cynically.

I hesitated, not moving from my place by the front door.

He sadly looked up at me. “You’re leaving me and Carrie… Well.” He shook his head, getting to his feet. “It’s not fun sleeping with a man who isn’t married anymore. Everybody is leaving me.”

I couldn’t believe it. Why would she leave him? Had it really only been the thrill of the forbidden?

“You don’t have to do this.” He made his way over to me and took a hold of my arms. “We can fix this. Carrie is out of the picture and if you’re willing to let Gerard go, I am too. We’re much more alike than you think.”

It was a tempting offer, but not one I would easily accept after everything that’s happened between us.

“I know things have been hard, but we have a history. This other guy… he’s just a phase, another drug. You can shake him.”

“He’s more than that,” I dared to say. The pounding of my heart was rapidly increasing in pace. This situation could go in any direction. His grip on me tightened.

“He’s nothing,” Dana insisted. “He’s an addict.”

That’s when it dawned on me: the change in personality; the sudden bursts of rage.

“So are you.”

“What?” he hissed.

“You’re an addict too. Here I was feeling guilty because I couldn’t get clean, but you’re the same as me.” He was worse, because he hid his problems from me. He made it all my fault.

“Things were rough and I wasn’t coping so she helped me out.”

“Who… Carrie? She… That’s how you two happened?” Things were slowly starting to make sense.

Dana snorted dismissively. “It was never love and now that my life is falling apart, I’m no longer good enough for her anymore.” He let go of me and paced up and down the length of the room.

“What are you talking about? You have school and your job. You still have your family.”

“And up until a short while ago I still had you. It’s all gone to shit, Katherine. I’m failing school and don’t even get me started on work. I really wish I never would have met you.” The look in his eyes assured me that he meant every word. That was the second time that year that the person I loved expressed such an intense loathing for me. First Gerard, now Dana. Maybe I really was the problem. “You absolutely ruined my life,” he stated. “If I had never met you, I would be at college right now, fooling around without a care in the world, my entire life still ahead of me.”

This conversation had taken a wrong turn. His anger had returned. “I gave you everything,” he seethed in a low voice. “My youth, my happiness and all for nothing. You couldn’t even show me a little appreciation.” He was back in front of me and instantly had a firm grip on my arms. “Instead you’re leaving me for some loser who will never be able to give you more than to rid you of him.”

“Shut up!” It didn’t come out quite as strong and defiant as I had hoped it would.

“I have given you everything!” he shouted. “It still wasn’t enough. I noticed the way you looked at me the other night. Like I would ever hurt you.”

“You’re hurting me now,” I managed to get out. My heart was beating at a million miles an hour. I was practically shaking in fear.

“I have to admit that he’s good for you,” Dana continued, ignoring my plea. “He’s woken something up inside of you. You’re more like the girl I fell in love with all those years ago. You’re stronger and there’s a new fire in your eyes. What makes him so much better than me?”

Dana was more than broken. I never would have guessed that I was actually in a better place than him. I was stronger, still holding it together, but he… He seemed to have given up. That made all of this so much worse.

“Dana, please let me go. This isn’t you. Where’s the guy I fell in love with, the one who left me cute little notes in my locker, remember?” I tried to appease him. “The guy who wants to be goofing around at college right now? If we were back to our old selves, we can work this out. I’ll stay.”

“No!!” he exclaimed, shoving me down on the floor.

The only thing going through my mind in that moment was fear and how I wanted nothing more than to be with Gerard where it was safe. I should have listened to him and never have come here alone. Another thought crossed my mind and I was extremely grateful that Gerard wasn’t there, because Dana would have killed him for sure. At least now it would only be me.

I felt a sharp pain as he dealt a swift kick to my ribs. “Do something! Say anything!”

My mind rewired in a split second. I didn’t want to die. My life had just found meaning again. I had been picking up the pieces and I wasn’t ready to go yet. My hands came up defensively and I waited for the next blow, but it never came. The second that Dana paused gave me enough time to scramble to my feet, but he rushed after me into the kitchen.

There was no chance to call 911, but my hand found a knife on the table as soon as I entered the kitchen and I spun around to face Dana, holding the sharp object out in front of me. “Stay back! Back!” My hand visibly shook, but Dana stopped in his tracks at the sight of the weapon.

“I didn’t want this either,” I managed despite my throat feeling completely constricted. “My life is a mess too. I know we both lost a lot when I lost the baby, but you…” I couldn’t keep the accusatory tone from my voice and I realized I was crying now. “You cheated on me. You lie to me and abuse me.”

“Do you blame me?? I don’t get any love from my wife…”

“No, you left me!” I cried out. My vision was too blurry to see anything and the knife fell from my hand, clattering loudly to the floor. “Finding out about you and Carrie broke my heart. It nearly killed me.”

“You slept with Gerard!” he shot back.

“Not until I told you that it was over.”

There was a deadly silence and I took a moment to wipe my eyes. It allowed me to see that Dana was very nearly red in the face. There was a shift for the worst in his mood.

“That son of a bitch had his hands on you. You’re my wife. I will kill him.”

I let out a strangled cry and ran around to the other side of the table. “You fucking hypocrite!!”

He chased after me and a lot of things were knocked to the floor in the process. We were nearly to the top of the stairs when he caught up to me and we both went tumbling all the way down to the ground. It hurt. I started to scramble, trying to get on my feet or just away from him, but he grabbed onto me once again and we struggled around on the floor. He was too strong for me to fight him off.

“Dana, please…please stop,” I begged, grabbing the nearest object I could get my hands on and hitting him with it. I never thought I would be so grateful for an empty wine bottle until I heard the sound of shattering glass and Dana went still.

A loud scream pierced through the air and I looked up to see Carrie standing in the doorway. She looked horrified and that’s when I looked down and saw the blood on my hand. I had hit Dana in the head with enough force for the empty glass bottle to break and do some serious damage. I was basically falling apart from shaking too much.

“No, Dana… Dana!” I gently slapped at his cheeks, but he wouldn’t open his eyes. He refused to open his eyes. “Wake up dammit!” I yelled in fear and frustration. This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be happening.

I knew I had killed him and burst into uncontrollable tears. Through blurry vision, I fumbled in his pockets, pulling out his phone and calling 911. After I gave them the address I crawled to the bathroom and rummaged around in the cabinet until I found a razor blade. I fell down on the floor next to the bath. I was a murderer. I had murdered my husband. Dana was dead. The cool blade came down on my flesh and dragged across the skin, cutting it. A small drop of blood escaped from the cut. After repeating this action a few times, blood trickled more freely from the cut. I dragged the blade across the place a few more times before I started feeling faint. This life had never been meant for me. I couldn’t take anymore of its abuse. Dana was gone. Everything started to blur and then it all went black.

Chapter Text

Gerard's POV

I was getting way too used to sitting next to someone’s hospital bed. This was what Ray had warned me against, everyone actually. Things weren’t going to change and I was going to keep losing people that I loved. I had been sitting by Kat’s bedside for two days and she still hadn’t woken up. There was still a possibility that it might not happen at all and the thought of that scared me to death. It left me feeling cold and empty.

The past few days had passed in a blur. The police had so many questions and I couldn’t answer any of them. I had no idea what happened that night. I couldn’t bring myself to believe that Kat had meant for any of it to happen and yet… I looked at her lying there helplessly. If I could have taken her place, I would have. She had a cut against her forehead and her left cheek was bruised. She had other cuts and bruises too. Her wrists were tightly wound up in bandages. I gulped at the thought that she could’ve died if they had found her seconds later than they had.

The police assumed that after the incident with Dana and calling 911, she was probably afraid of the consequences and attempted to kill herself. I’m not so sure. Maybe they were close to the truth, but I think it was guilt that drove her to attempt suicide. Kat couldn’t kill anybody and when she did, not that we know for sure whether she meant to or not, she couldn’t live with herself. I’m sure the thought that she had killed someone had killed her from inside.

I never should have let her go alone. I knew something bad would happen. She was so sure it would be okay, though.

I got up and walked over to the window, gazing through the blinds that kept the room in semi-darkness. That’s one thing about hospitals: they loved artificial lighting. I heard movement and turned around to find Kat stirring. I rushed back to the bedside and grabbed a hold of her hand.

“Kat?” My voice was hopeful. We both needed to get out of here.

She was lifeless again for so long that I sighed and sat back down disappointed. I just wanted her to wake up and be alright. I rubbed at my tired eyes. I couldn’t sleep while worrying about her. When I looked back at her, I found her watching me.

“Kat, thank goodness you’re awake!” I exclaimed in relief. Suddenly the last couple of days disappeared to make way for the thrill of her being alive.

She gave me a weak smile, “Hey.”

“How are you feeling?” I asked, sitting down next to her on the bed.

She tried to say something, but nothing came out. I hurriedly got up and fetched a glass of water for her. After having something to drink she already looked a little less pale.

“How are you feeling?” I repeated.

“Weak,” she replied hoarsely.

I stared down at her, fighting back tears. I didn’t know why I wanted to cry – though I’ve done that multiple times in the last thirty something hours. It must have been from the relief of knowing that she was okay. It was like my entire being was lighter.

“Where am I?” she asked frowning. “What happened?”

“I’m not sure. You went to the house to get your things and I started to worry when you were away for a few hours. Then you sent me a text saying that you were on your way. A few hours later you still hadn’t returned and by that time I was freaking out. I went to the house and there were all these cop cars and an ambulance… I’ve never been so scared in my entire life. The first thought that crossed my mind was that you… I thought you were… I…” I took a deep breath, recalling the devastating feeling I had felt thinking that she was dead. “They told me about Dana and that they found you in the bathroom. If they had found you only a few seconds later you probably…” I couldn’t even say it. “These past few days have been torture. I didn’t know if you were going to make it; if you were ever going to wake up again.” I looked down at my hands, feeling my throat constrict with emotion. I never ever wanted to feel that way again.

Her face went completely pale and the heart monitor’s beeping sounds increased. “I can’t be here. I shouldn’t be here.”

She was panicking and I jumped to my feet.

“I should be dead. This isn’t right.” She started crying and trying to get up, but I pushed her back down.

“What are you doing? You just woke up.”

“No, you don’t understand. I killed him!” she cried upset.

My face softened. “He’s alive.”

“I can’t believe it. There was so much blood…” She muttered horrified. “I swear I didn’t mean to. It just happened.”

“Kat!” I grabbed her face and forced her to look at me. Her eyes were wide and panicked and glistened with tears. “Dana is alive.” Sort of. He’s been in a coma and they had no idea if he was ever going to wake up or not, but he was alive nonetheless.

She froze momentarily. “What?”

“You didn’t kill him,” I told her again and she broke down in tears.

“If something happened to you… I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. I never should have let you go alone.” I said barely above a whisper.

“Gerard, this isn’t your fault,” she assured me in a small voice after a few moments and I looked at her sadly.

I was still certain that this was my fault. “If I had gone with you, none of this would’ve happened.”

“I’m glad you weren’t there. Besides, there was no way you could have known that this would happen.” Kat insisted.

“What did happen?” I wanted to know.

She drank some more water and took a deep, shaky breath before answering, “I went back to the house to get my stuff and I was already finished packing when I sent you the text. I just got my last things from the bedroom and when I returned I found Dana in the living room. He was beside himself. We got into an argument and he started pushing me around and kicking me.” She shivered, remembering the events from the night before and I pulled her into my arms in an attempt to comfort her.

“I’ve never been so scared in my life, Gee,” she said, eyes tearing up again. “I thought I was going to die.”

My grip on her tightened, causing her to flinch. I had forgotten about her bruised ribs.

“I didn’t want to die… At one point I remember falling down the stairs. There was a huge struggle. I grabbed the first object I could get my hands on and hit him with it. He stopped fighting and fell down next to me. I thought he was dead. That’s when I called 911 and then I went to the bathroom and…” She stopped talking and looked down at her bandaged wrists.

“It’s okay; it’s over,” I whispered comfortingly.

“I was so sure he was dead.” she whimpered. “You’re sure he’s alive?”

I nodded and said with certainty, “He’s alive.” Fortunately for her, but deep down I kind of wished that he hadn’t been after everything he had put her through and now this. “Don’t blame yourself. It was self-defense, he would’ve killed you. If I had to lose you…I’d die too.” I meant it. “Please don’t ever try to take your own life again.” I came out as half a plea and half a command.

“You’re awake,” the nurse noted, coming into the room.

Kat wiped away her tears and looked at the nurse. I gave her some space as the nurse came closer to check on her.

“How are you feeling?” the nurse asked with a smile.

“I’m okay,” Kat replied.

“Excuse me, Miss,” one of two police officers said, coming into the room shortly after the nurse.

“We just have a few questions,” the other informed her.

“Are you fucking kidding me???” I snapped, feeling the blood boil in my veins. I’ve had to chase these guys off several times since Kat was admitted and now they were there again. Why the hell couldn’t they leave her alone or at the very least give her some time to recover? “She just woke up! She can barely talk and you want to ask her a few questions?? What is wrong with you?? Isn’t there some kind of law that prohibits this? This has to be some form of harassment. Where is hospital security?”

“Sir, please, it’ll only take a few minutes,” the first one tried.

“This is fucking ridiculous! What kind of system is this??”

“Gerard, it’s okay,” Kat said quietly, giving my hand a reassuring squeeze.

I took a deep breath to calm myself down. This was so not okay. Kat wanted me to leave the room to which I finally grudgingly agreed.

“It’s only a few questions that are important for the immediate progress of our investigation. You’ll only be questioned in full after you’ve been released from the hospital.” I heard them tell her as I left the room.

I stuffed my hands deep into my pockets, heading towards the cafeteria. If I stuck around I would most likely end up assaulting a cop and that would in no way help matters. Once I reached the hospital cafeteria, I bought myself a cup of coffee. I drank it on my way back to the room. By the time I returned the cops had already left.

“Are you okay?” I checked, since the nurse had also left.

She nodded, “I’m okay.”

“I didn’t even ask; can I get you anything?”

“My clothes,” she said. “Gerard, please. Get me out of here,” she pleaded.

“I can’t. You just came to. What if you’re not in any condition to…”

“The nurse said I’ll be able to go home by tomorrow. One day earlier won’t kill me. I just,” she sighed, “I just want to spend the night with you…just one last time.”

That didn’t make any sense. Why only one more night? They didn’t arrest her which was a good sign. Aside from that, I was worried about her physical condition. She couldn’t be strong enough to leave just yet. What if she collapsed or something? I didn’t know what to do.

I looked at her intently and she looked genuinely desperate to get out of there. She obviously wasn’t well and she was trusting me to take care of her. I walked over to the small closet and pulled out some of her clothes. It was the same clothes she had worn when she came in.

“I was here ever since you came in so you don’t have any clean clothes, but you can have my hoody if you don’t feel comfortable with these clothes?” I offered apologetically.

“It’s fine. I’ll change once we get back to your place.” Kat slowly sat up and swung her legs down the side of the bed. I shut the blinds and handed her the clothes. She quickly changed. As soon as she tried to get up however, her legs buckled under her. I caught her just in time.

“You should stay in bed,” I stated.

“I just have to get used to being on my legs again. They’re pretty limp after being in bed for a few days.” She looked down at herself and I could tell that she felt sick at seeing the dirty, bloody clothes. I didn’t hesitate to take off my hoody and give it to her. Of course she was very grateful for this.

I still wasn’t sure about checking her out, but I put my arm around her waist to support her as we made our way down the hospital corridor. After we checked her out and left the hospital we headed straight home where she took a shower and put on some clean clothes. Kat didn’t feel like leaving the house which was completely understandable. I would do whatever she wanted me to if it would help her feel better. I knew she still felt guilty and she probably wouldn’t believe that Dana was alive until she saw it with her own eyes. The events of that night would most likely haunt her forever. Unfortunately, there was nothing I could do about that.

“I’ll call and order some food. What do you feel like?” I asked, grabbing my phone off the cluttered coffee table.

Kat shrugged. “I’m not hungry.”

“You need to regain your strength. Besides, you’ll feel better after you’ve eaten something.” She needed to eat. She still looked bad after everything that’s happened.

“Fine,” she sighed. “I’ll eat some pizza.”

I knew she wasn’t mad at me and didn’t take her reply personally. This had nothing to do with me. Once the pizza arrived I had to convince her all over again that she should eat something. She probably only had two bites of pizza, but it was better than nothing.

“Why don’t you sketch me?” Kat suggested after a quiet, conversationless dinner. “I loved the last one you did.”

I nodded, getting up to grab my sketchpad and pencils. I knew what she was doing. This was an attempt to distract me which was ridiculous, since she was the one who needed distraction, but if this was what she wanted me to do, then I would do it. She shifted on the couch and waited for me to begin. What I saw was a sad and lonely girl, someone who had given up. The strokes of the pencil started out light and increasingly became darker, her silhouette forming clearly on the page in front of me. She stared off into space and from the rapid rise and fall of her chest I could tell that she was reliving the events of the other nights. She was going to replay it in her mind until she went mad.

I put the sketchpad and pencil down and moved to sit down next to her. My hand came up and my thumb brushed away a tear from her cheek. Her eyes darted to my face, first meeting my eyes and then moving down to my lips. Without any further warning she kissed me. Her lips were desperate, begging me for a response, but I couldn’t do it. Not in her current condition. She was asking too much, because I knew she would wake up to regret it.

“No, Kat,” I whispered with my eyes still tightly shut. “You don’t really want this.”

“Please,” she begged and her hands and fingers became entangled in my hair. “Please,” she repeated, kissing me again and I gave in, allowing her to pull me down on top of her. Maybe it would help take her mind off things.

*

I woke up alone. It was completely dark, but Kat wasn’t in bed and I received no response either. According to my phone in was after three. I pulled on some sweatpants and a t-shirt before turning on every light in my apartment in search of her, but without any success. Where the hell is she? I couldn’t help worrying that she had done something stupid again.

I hurriedly grabbed a jacket along with my keys and ripped the door open, ready for a long search only to find her outside my door in the hallway.

“Kat!” I bent down next to her limp for. She had drunken so much that she was completely fucked up. I had no idea how she managed to get back here. She must have snuck out as soon as I had fallen asleep. Dammit!

I scooped her up into my arms and stepped back inside the apartment. My foot pushed the door shut behind us. Once I had her tucked safely into bed, I couldn’t sleep right away. I was going to have to worry about her anew. Self-destruction seemed to be the path she was on now. I couldn’t blame her, but I did. She wasn’t in this alone. I realized that I had no idea how she felt, after all I hadn’t been there. Nothing I said or did could help, but I would like to try. I would prefer she talk to me rather than go off on her own in the middle of the night. Was this what she did after she had lost the baby and found out about Dana’s affair? I was mad at him all over again for allowing her to get this bad. I refused to be like that.

It felt like I watched her sleep for hours before falling back to sleep again.

*

My eyes slowly fluttered open. For a moment I worried that Kat had disappeared again, but I sat up to find her sitting next to me on the bed, fully dressed.

“Hey, you okay?”

“Hey, Gee,” she said quietly.

I shifted closer to her, searching her face, hoping to hell to find something in her eyes that would assure me that she would be okay even if it took some time. There was nothing.

“I just wanted to say goodbye before going,” she informed me quietly.

“Going where?” I asked confused. What did she mean by goodbye?

She sighed deeply, looking down at the old grey sheets on my bed. “I was never supposed to leave the hospital.”

I still didn’t comprehend what she was trying to tell me,

“The two policemen who questioned me at the hospital yesterday told me that they were going to arrest me as soon as I was released from the hospital and when I disappeared, they most likely figured that I had made a run for it.”

This was bad. What had she been thinking? I frowned deeply. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I didn’t want you to worry. All I wanted was to enjoy one last day with you without any worries before I was taken in,” she explained. “I even left my phone at the hospital so that no one will be able to call.”

They were going to thinking that she was guilty for sure after that. Why else would she disappear? I should have realized that something else was going on. I should have thought ahead. This was my fault. Things were only going to get worse from here on out.

“Now what?” I wanted to know.

“I’m going to go to the police station and turn myself in,” she answered simply.

“I’ll come with you,” I said, hurriedly getting out of bed and putting on some pants.

“Gerard, no!” she exclaimed. “I mean I can go alone.”

“I want to go with you. I don’t want you to do this alone.”

“I don’t want you to come with me!” she stated firmly.

I didn’t understand it. I was good enough the night before. Why was she pushing me away?

“This is hard enough as it is, okay. If you come along and I have to see the look on your face as they take me in…I don’t think I’ll be able to handle that,” she calmly explained, looking up at my devastated face.

I sighed, sitting down next to her.

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly. Her eyes met mine and there was some reassurance there now that hadn’t been there a minute ago. “I want to thank you. These past few months have been the greatest. You’ve changed my life, you know? Thank you… for letting me care about something again.”

“You talk as if this is the end,” I noted.

“This is the end…”

“No it’s not!” I insisted. “You and I just started. This is far from over.” I caressed the side of her face as I said this.

“They’re going to arrest me for attempted murder! That is the end!” Her voice was almost hysterical.

I looked down at my hands, because she was right, this was serious, but I refused to accept that things were over just like that. It was finally our time. It couldn’t be that we were only supposed to have a brief moment in time. We deserved more time.

“I’m sorry, Gerard, but that’s the way it is!” she said harshly. “Dana is in a coma and now I have to face the consequences.”

“It was self-defense!” I retorted.

“I went to see him last night,” she told me sadly. “He’s in bad shape. I did that. It doesn’t matter that it hadn’t been my intention, because I still did it.” She stood up and looked down at me. “I love you, Gerard.” She said suddenly, completely knocking any feeling out of me. I hadn’t expected that.

That was all she had, because after that, she disappeared out the door and I heard the front door open and close. She was gone.

I sat dazed and confused for a few minutes as I processed what just happened. I didn’t know what was going to happen to Kat once she turned herself over. One thing I did know was that I wasn’t going to let her go through it alone. I hurriedly pulled a shirt over my head and ran out the door after her.

Chapter Text

It was the worst day ever, without a doubt. Kat was arrested and charged with attempted murder. It was complete bullshit, but that didn't stop them from doing it, although I was sure it would never hold up in court. There was no way they could actually find her guilty of anything. I was certain of it.

On my way to work from the station, the 9/11 terror attacks happened. I witnessed everything. If ever there had been hell on earth, I would imagine that that was it. It broke my mind. My feet automatically found their way to the nearest bar where I practically killed myself with alcohol.

The next day was another nightmare. The result of my getting dead drunk was that I never set an alarm and I completely overslept. I was running down the street completely out of sorts and completely out of breath. I probably, most likely, looked a mess. I hadn't showered in days; my clothes were wrinkled and not very fresh; of course there was also the matter of my being completely hung-over. I was ridiculously late to Kat's bail hearing.

I finally arrived at the court house and found Mikey and Ray waiting for me outside. There were no words to explain how much I appreciated them being there and how much I loved them for supporting me through this. However, I still felt irked that the only reason they were there in the first place was to support me and that their presence had nothing to do with Kat needing someone.

“Am I too late? Is it over?” I asked out of breath.

“Where were you?” Ray wanted to know.

“It’s over,” Mikey informed me at the same time.

“I just… Dammit!” I exclaimed in frustration. “What happened? Where is she?”

Ray took a step sideways before saying, “She’s inside somewhere.”

“What?” I was outraged. “She was refused bail?” I never thought that the hearing would be easy, seeing as she had already disappeared once when she left the hospital with me, but it wasn’t fair that they refused her bail completely because of it.

“To be honest, I didn’t think she would get it. The prosecution gave quite a good argument against it.”

Mikey nodded in agreement. “Fortunately the judge had compassion. To a certain extent at least. The bail amount was pretty high.”

I was lost. If she had made bail – how in the first place? – why was she still inside. I would have been running down the street.

“Some woman came in and offered to pay her bail.”

“A woman?” I asked confused. “What woman?”

The pair shrugged in unison. Mikey said, “I have no idea.”

This was very strange. I had no idea who or why. I would wait and find out.

*

Kat’s POV

I paced around the small office space, a nervous wreck. Why now? Why here? Then again, it could have just been my mind playing tricks on me. After all, I hadn’t been able to have one drink or anything much else for that matter since being taken into custody. I’ve been in quite a state. I would’ve been out on the street in an instant, but I had to know for sure and aside from that, she had requested to speak to me.

The door opened and I rushed to the other side of the desk, creating as much space between us as possible. I was fidgeting a lot and anxiously waiting to see her face. She entered the room and thanked someone just outside of it before shutting the door and turning to face me. She didn’t say anything and we simply stood there staring at each other for the longest time. My fidgeting didn’t subside at all.

“It’s been a long time,” she finally spoke, not breaking eye contact.

I didn’t know how to respond. Did I run to her or attempt to jump out the window instead? I had never dreamed that this day would come, especially at a desperate time like this. Someone really liked me, perhaps a guardian angel.

“It’s… okay.”

With those words, I broke and I had to rush across the room towards her.

“I don’t expect anything,” she was still busy saying as I crashed into her arms and cried uncontrollably. She clung onto me and I swore I could feel a slight shaking of her shoulders as well. I wasn’t the only one overcome with emotion. “I am so very sorry,” she choked out. I was in no condition to respond.

“Hey, hey,” she spoke softly, pulling away from me and pushing a short strand of hair out of my face. “It’s okay now.”

“No. No, it’s not,” I said through more tears, my insides continually breaking. A wave of emotions I had been suppressing came crashing down on me. I always did that, bottled up my feelings and I always ended up exploding. “Everything is a mess. It’s all messed up. Dana is in the hospital and he’s in a coma and it’s all my fault.”

She grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look at her. “I’m going to fix this. That’s why I’m here. Everything is going to get better.” She took a step back from me and I involuntarily shivered. “Come on. Let’s get a good meal in you. Some coffee?” she suggested with a small smile.

I nodded and she put an arm around my shoulders, leading me out of the office and out of the building where we hailed a cab to the nearest little café. A waiter seated us and provided us with menus. By now I was a little more composed. At least I wasn’t crying anymore. Of course, I still wasn’t over the shock of seeing my sister again after so long, especially since I never thought I would see her again.

“I’m glad you’re here, Grace. How did you…”

The waiter was back to take our order for drinks. After he left, Grace was the first to speak.

“It’s been impossible to get in touch with you, especially since you did not want to talk to me.”

I broke our eye contact, knowing full well how right she was and I recalled a conversation with Gerard when I told him it was easier to push her away before the same could be done to me. Many times after that I had wondered whether I should have had more faith in her, given her the benefit of the doubt?

“I read the papers and also, Dana’s parents called me.”

This last piece of information caught me by surprise. “Why?”

“They thought you might need someone and they couldn’t reach Mom or Dad.”

“Couldn’t reach them or were they simply not interested enough to bother with me?”

“They don’t know what’s going on, Katherine,” Grace assured me. “They would do something about all of this if they did.”

I wasn’t convinced, because years of neglect and abandonment had led me to believe otherwise.

“Anyway, they told me what happened or at least as much as they knew…”

“I thought for sure they would hate me after what happened,” I murmured, looking down at the menu for something to do. My appetite was non-existent, but I knew Grace wouldn’t be satisfied until I at least tried to eat something.

“Katherine, they don’t hate you. Dana’s parents have always been great people and I know for a fact that they have always been very fond of you. They don’t know exactly what happened between you and Dana and naturally, they’re confused. They don’t understand any of it, but I don’t think that they blame you. As his parents, I can’t say that they’re on your side, but at least they care enough to have called me.”

“I appreciate you coming.”

“I promise everything will be better from now on.”

“How?” I couldn’t help wondering. “I’ve hit rock bottom. I actually hit rock bottom a long time, like a really long time ago.” I then set about telling her everything that she had missed out on since our separation. I told her about the baby, about Dana’s affair, my spiral; how we tried to work things out but failed. Gerard was completely left out of the story, though. I also explained exactly what happened the night of the accident.

“I can fix this. I’ll represent you and we can win this trial. It was an accident, self defense. Plus, I know of a great place where you can go. Their successes have been great and they will take good care of you.”

“Rehab?”

“You don’t have to live like this anymore. I will help you get your life back together.”

It was too tempting of an offer to refuse. I was exhausted. I was tired of fighting. I was turning 21 in less than a month and I’ve already gone through more than some people do in an entire lifetime. I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want to lose my sister all over again either. I was willing to do this, to try.

The idea of getting clean scared the hell out of me and I wasn’t sure if I could do it. Did I have it in me? How was I going to get through a day without alcohol? How would I face the world; myself? Panic set in again.

“Kat…”

My head shot up. Grace was looking at me worriedly, but with a tenderness that cut through to my heart.

Gerard.

Doing this would mean that I would have to give up Gerard. There was no way that this could end any differently. I would have to let him go if I got convicted and I would have to let him go if I decided to get clean. He was a too big part of my fucked up life. None of this was his fault, but I couldn’t pull my life together and still be with him.

Then it occurred to me that this might be the best thing I could ever do for him. He was never going to get better while I was in his life either. As much as I hated to think about it, the fact of the matter was that I was the reason his life had become as dark as it was now. I was the one dragging him down even though I had tried my best to help him and be there for him. It was a classic case of the blind trying to lead the blind. We needed to be apart first, if we were ever going to be together.

“I know it’s scary, but I will be there every step of the way,” Grace said, pulling me from my thoughts. “I will pay for everything and I will visit you as much as they would allow me to.”

It was decided. “I’ll do it.”

She let out a breath of relief. “I know you’re strong enough to do this, because I know who you are. You’re much stronger than I ever was otherwise you wouldn’t have made it this far.”

I didn’t think that I was strong. If I had been, I wouldn’t have been in this situation in the first place. I would have left Dana the first time I caught him cheating. I would have attempted to pull my life together a long time ago. As it were, I was pretty much afraid of my own shadow by now.

“Who knows, once you get back on your feet and the trial is over, you might still get to do everything you’ve always wanted to. You’re still young and…”

My mind wandered off again as I remembered my promise to Gerard, the promise that no matter what, I would one day fulfill my dreams. However, all of that was too much to think about right now. There was no way of knowing whether I would be able to do any of that. My entire future depended on the outcome of this trial.

“All your things are probably still at the house?” Grace was still talking and this time she actually expected a response. It was still strange to have her sitting right there in front of me. “I’ll get you settled in at my place and while you’re getting some much needed rest, I can go get them.”

“No.” It was out before I could stop myself.

She looked taken aback. “Katherine…”

“I’m staying with a friend,” I told her. If I only had a limited amount of time left to spend with Gerard, I was going to make the most of it. Besides, he must be going out of his mind already. I couldn’t abandon him. I couldn’t do that to him. “I have everything I need. You don’t have to go to the house.” That part was a bit of a lie. I could definitely do with more clothes, but I didn’t want her going to the house. I didn’t want anything from that place.

She was uncertain. “Are you sure? I have more than enough room.” What she really wanted to say was that she would prefer it if she was able to keep an eye on me.

I wanted to be with her, but I missed Gerard. He would comfort me. I needed to be with him more than with her right now. “I’m sure. I will meet up with you again tomorrow and we’ll talk some more.”

I abruptly stood up. Our meal was finished and there was no reason for me to stay any longer.

“Hold on!” Grace exclaimed. “I can give you a ride.”

I shook my head. “That’s okay.” She’d worry more if she did. Gerard didn’t exactly live on Fifth Avenue.

“At least, let me give you some money. Also, here is my number,” she said, pulling a business card out along with some money.

I didn’t want the money.

“Take it,” she insisted, folding it and shoving it into the front pocket of my pants.

“Grace…”

“Please, it would make me feel better. I’m worried sick about you.” She was also on her feet now.

“You really don’t have to. I’m fine.”

The look she gave me spoke a million words. She bailed me out of prison and was booking me into rehab and now I was planning on disappearing.

“Give me your number,” she said, handing me her phone. It wasn’t a request so I did it. I would have done it anyway, because she was about to be my new lifeline.

“Thank you, Grace. For everything, all of this.” Those words could not possibly express how grateful I truly was. She was literally saving my life.

“I wish I could do more,” she said, hugging me.

We parted ways and I walked in the direction of Gerard’s apartment. I wasn’t ready to face him yet, though. Instead, I purchased a bottle of vodka at the nearest liquor store. I swallowed a few mouthfuls of the alcohol just outside the store. If anyone ever wanted heaven in a physical form, that would be it, because one sip of alcohol gave you a certain sense of comfort and the more you drank, the better you felt about life in general.

Drinking out on the sidewalk didn’t seem like the best idea, so I found myself a seat in one of the bars in the area where I had a constant supply of alcohol and I could be alone.

Was I really ready to let Gerard go? He would never agree to a separation. There was no way he would ever be reasonable about this. It would be personal. I would be abandoning him, letting him down.

I honestly believed that if it didn’t actually kill him, it would make him stronger. He was definitely strong enough to survive my betrayal. He would come out stronger and ultimately be better off.

Everything that Ray and Mikey had done suddenly made sense. They realized long ago what I couldn’t: even though I wasn’t Gerard’s only problem, I was without a doubt his biggest problem. That’s why Ray was so hostile and that’s why Mikey went so far as to ask me to stop spending time with his brother.

It was sad that I found it easier to think of leaving Gerard behind than considering what might happen once my life got back on track. Thinking of the future was a lot scarier or perhaps it was because Gerard would not be a part of it. I was going to be alone.

It was dark when I finally left the bar. I didn’t bother looking around for Gerard, because I knew he would be home, drinking by himself while he worried and/or moped. I was eager to get home. I felt a lot more like myself again after having consumed a large quantity of alcohol. If I was a little more sober, I might have felt bad for using Grace’s money to feed my addiction.

I found Gerard sitting on the couch with a half empty beer in his hands, staring off into space. I expected him to do one of two things, either start shouting and waving his hands around angrily or jump up and hug me to death. He surprised me by not doing either of those. He didn’t say anything and simply continued to stare ahead. How much did he have to drink?

I couldn’t leave him. Not like this. He would completely break. It would ruin him and he would never ever forgive me. He wouldn’t understand. Even as I stood there, I didn’t know how to approach him.

“Come here.” I suddenly heard his voice and his arms stretched towards me. Once I sat down next him, he enveloped me in a hug. “I’m glad you’re back. Very relieved actually,” he spoke quietly. He pulled away from me and his eyes searched my face. “What happened to you? Where did you go today? I waited for you. Mikey and Ray said some woman paid your bail?” He was full of questions.

I looked down, already feeling guilty for all the lies that were about to follow. “Uhm, yeah. It was a very big surprise.”

“Did you talk to her? Did she explain why?”

I shook my head firmly. “No. I guess maybe she experienced something similar and she felt bad for me. I don’t know.”

Gerard sighed deeply and looked around the room before looking back at me. “I’m just super happy that you’re home. We can take everything one step at a time from here. I got you.”

It was my turn to hug him and I was reluctant to let go, feeling that it might be the last time I get to hold him like that. It wouldn’t be, but every moment from here on out might be the last.