Archive of Our Own ^beta

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It’s Friday, his last class of the day ends in 15 minutes and then he’s a free man. His Professor is talking about homework for next Friday and he’s not looking forward to it. He has to write a song, a poem, a whatever. Liam is not very good with words, they usually betray him and he ends up stumbling through sentences like an idiot. He doesn’t look forward to this, he hates English, he really do.

One of the reason is sitting a few seats over soaking every word the Professor is saying, but whatever.

But he also likes English, because of that same reason and because Mrs Sargent is one of the best teacher at this school. But he will complain even if it’s his own fault he is in this situation where he must “show his heart bare”.

His eyes dart to his left and they find Zayn’s hand moving over paper. It’s a habit, finding Zayn wherever he goes. And it’s a creepy habit, he knows, but he can’t help it. Zayn is more beautiful than ever, his smile is a God’s gift and his husky voice still makes Liam’s hands tremble. Even though Zayn doesn’t speak to him that much, or at all really. Some words now and then and the rest is silence. Or a void between them that has been there since they were eleven, twelve?

Liam’s not sure when exactly Zayn became a synonym for a distance.

He averts his eyes before he gets caught staring. Again.

He doesn’t know what to write for this little project; Mrs Sargent said it needs to be about some form of love, be it family love, friendship or love love. And he could write about his sisters and how they’re his biggest support, his backbone, he could write about his mother’s hugs-warm and full of memories. Or about his father and his tired smile, but proud eyes when he looks at Liam.

Or he could write about Niall’s booming laughter and soft You’re my best friend he whispers when he’s drunk or Harry’s curls and how he makes him feel like he’s not a failure.

They make Liam feel warm all over, because Niall is a sunshine dressed in a human skin and Harry is a warm hug in November. He remembers when Niall first moved here-parents freshly divorced and his smile a little bit crooked. They had a Biology together and ever since then they have been friends. They met Harry at the bakery in 2^nd year and they somehow adopted him even though he’s going in another high school in the area. Three years later and they are best friends, brothers even, because Liam’s mom loves them like she loves Liam.

Or he could write about love that consumes and takes even though he has nothing else to give. About eyes that leave him breathless, slim fingers or about the shadow of his first kiss that still burns. He doesn’t think it will ever stop.

“Liam? Everyone already left, you okay?” Mrs Sargent’s voice brings him back to present.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I just got lost in the thought. “ He flushes and Mrs Sargent chuckles.

“Are you sure you’re okay? Is it about the assignment?”

“Yes- I mean no, it’s, ughh,“ he  fumbles and ducks his head, embarrassed. “ I don’t know what to write about, I mean, I don’t- I can’t even speak a whole sentence without making fool of myself, and you want me to write a song? It’s just- I don-“

“Oh, I’m sorry for interupting.” That voice stops him in his tracks. He remembers how that voice used to make him smile all the time and now it’s just a reminder of something he’ll never have. “I forgot my book.” Zayn says and Liam is still frozen, his back tense. Of course Zayn would come in and see him in this stupid situation. Stupid Liam and his stupid tongue, he should have just kept his mouth shut.

“What do you say, Liam?” Mrs Sargent’s voice brings him back. Again.

“I’m sorry, what?” Zayn is still here and he’s looking at him and what did the Teacher say?

“I asked you if you wanted some help, or tutor if you will, for homework? Zayn is great at English and he could help yo-“

“No!” He nearly shouts and he can see Zayn’s eyebrows rise in a surprise. “I mean, no, it’s okay. I’ll figure it out. Thank you, goodbye.” He bypasses Zayn, almost falling in a hurry to get away from that disaster.

He clenches his bag and tries not to think about Zayn’s face when he passed him.

Niall greets him on a parking lot with a wide smile. “Payno, come on, it’s getting late and we have to get Harry from the bakery!”

“Sorry, Ni, I had to talk with Mrs Sargent about some homework.” He smiles at Niall, because he can’t resist Niall’s charm.

He still doesn’t know why Niall is hanging out with him, why he stays with Liam, when he can have better friends, someone who is not boring or invisible, or just plain. But Niall got so angry once when Liam asked him that, so he learned to keep his mouth closed. He is sure Niall will get bored with him one day, so he’ll just enjoy this happiness until then.

“Damn, I hate you. I’m stuck with Mr I-am-better-than-you-will-ever-be,” Niall screwes his face like he’s in pain. And Liam understands him, he had Mr Blake last year. It was not a good year for his English mark.

“He is an asshole, I agree on that,” Liam comments while he gets in the car. Niall nods and Liam can see his scowl-it’s not a pretty sight on Niall’s face so he nudges him softly, to distract him.

“I’m good, I’m good. Just, you know how he pisses me off. Christ.” Liam just hums in agreement and starts the radio while Niall is exiting the parking.

He rolls his window down, just so he can feel October’s breeze on his eyelids, in his hair. Strumming my pain with his fingers, singing my life with his words is traveling through the air, Lauryn’s voice gripping his heart. He opens his eyes and sees another car parked-it’s Louis Tomlinson and Zayn in his passenger seat.

Louis Tomlinson is something else. He played footie with Liam when they were kids, too loud and wild and now he’s a man with too many tattoos, not that Liam is judging, and Zayn as his best friend. Liam is glad that Zayn has someone like Louis in his life. He can see how Louis brings his confidence, grins and wildness- something Liam could never do for him.

Niall waves at them and they both nod back. Liam is still watching them when they look at him. He sends them an awkward smile and a little wave and Louis grins at him, but Zayn is just watching him. And then he’s nodding and averting his eyes from Liam. Liam is not surprised. After all, he basically ran away from Zayn not 10 minutes ago. He smiles though, because at least he got a nod, an acknowledgement.

God, he’s pathetic.

 Harry greets them with two muffins, hot chocolate and i-did-a-thing look. Niall sits at the table and looks at him suspiciously. “Harry.”

“Niall,” Harry’s voice squeak. Liam looks at him and he can see how  nervous Harry is, his fingers constantly moving and his eyes never meeting theirs.

“Harry.”

“Niall.”

They’re children, really.

“Sooo,” Liam says and Harry finally looks at him. He smiles gently, trying to sooth Harry’s nerves. Harry sends him a little smile back and then he sits on the chair next to him even though his shift doesn’t end for half an hour.

“Sooo, I did a thing,” he tells them, and Niall rises his eyebrow like a sign to go on. “I-uh, so you know about this guy I have been seeing? I want you to like him, he is a good person and he makes me happy. I, uh didn’t tell you guys this because I wasn’t sure where our relationship was heading, but now that I know, we’re boyfriends now by the way,” Harry blushes and Niall and Liam both coos at him. “What I’m trying to say is,” here he looks at Liam like he’s sorry for the words he’s about to speak and Liam is suddenly full of dread. “He is from your high school!” At this, Niall and Liam both look at each other and there is a change in the air. It became tense suddenly and Don’t you wanna be more than friends, hold me tight and don’t let go is filling the silence. “And he really wants to meet you guys and I want you to properly meet him even though you both like know him. And he knows you, because I told him your names, and you go to same school and he-“ Harry is rambling now and Liam doesn’t know what to think. Why is Harry scared? Is he embarrassed by Liam? But no, he said he wanted them to meet this boy. Maybe it’s someone who Liam has spoken about to Harry, maybe it’s one of those assholes that calls Liam names and trips him in the hallway. But Harry would never date someone who is a bad person.

“Haroooold!” someone calls out. Harry jumps out of his chair, making it fall and Liam and Niall are startled by Louis’ bright smile and booming voice.

“Louis! We agreed that you will not come today!” Harry says harshly and his eyes are darting between the table and Louis like he’s caught in a crossfire.

“Oh, no-no, love, you agreed.” Louis kisses him on the cheek and sits next to Niall. “Hello, boys. Long time no see.” He salutes both of them and Liam is in shock, Niall’s mouth are wide open and Harry is still frozen, a faint blush on his cheeks. “Oh, come on! I couldn’t resist it, I mean, it was meant to happen sooner or later, love. Come here.” He takes Harry’s hand and tugs him until he’s next to Louis’ chair.

“I didn’t even tell them! You interrupted me and I’m angry at you right now,” Harry pouts and it makes Louis smile softly.

“You’re dating Louis?!” Niall is first to recover. Louis looks at him sharply then, like he’s daring him to tell them his disapproval.

“Uh, well, yes.” Harry whispers and grips Louis’ hand tight. And suddenly Liam gets it. He understands why Harry looked at him like he is afraid, because where is Louis, there is Zayn and where is Harry, there is Liam and Liam is overwhelmed with love for this green eyed boy with smile made of cotton candy. Harry worried about Liam and his pathetic heart, he thought about Liam and his inability to be close to Zayn and his heart breaks a little because he never wanted for Harry to hide people that make him happy from him.

“Oh, Harry, you soft fool,” Liam says gently and his smile is a little sad. Harry moves from Louis and sits back next to Liam, his right hand on Liam’s shoulder.

“I wanted to tell you, Li.” Harry tells him quietly, so only he could hear him. His eyes travels to Louis who’s talking with Niall and then back to Liam. “I’m sorry.”

“No! No, Harry, Jesus. You don’t have to be sorry, I never -“ Liam stops and looks at Harry pleadingly,  he’s begging Harry to understand. “If anything, I’m sorry. You don’t have to watch over me. If that’s the reason you didn’t tell us about Louis, I’m going to murder you, I swear.”

“I don’t know what is the reason, but please don’t, I’m very fond of him.” Louis says with a little smirk and Liam tilts his head at him, smiling genuinely.

“I don’t know, Tomlinson. If he’s hidding more boyfriends like he hid you..” Nial trails off with a smirk that rivals the Devil’s.

“Oi!” Louis gasps dramatically. “There is no boyfriends, only one. Me, yo, io!”

“Only you, Lou, don’t worry.” Harry throwes a dirty look at Niall and Liam chuckles.

“Okay, so this isn’t so bad,right, love? They adore me, really.” Louis reaches for Harry’s hand across the table and Harry meets him at the middle. He looks at Niall and then at Liam and Liam can see he’s still nervous, his look searching.

“I guess so?”

“We’re happy for you, Harry. I’m glad it’s someone I can stand, actually.” Niall speaks first and Liam chuckles.

“Aww, Horan, you warm my heart! You’re my buddy, too.” Louis drags Niall in headlock, messing his hair like a hurricane went through it. Liam rolls his eyes, because they’re not buddies, they’re acquaintances, really: hellos in the hallways and some words in classes is all there is.

“Niall is right,” Liam says slowly, looking at Harry. Harry looks back and the tension is gone. Liam’s eyes are saying It’s okay, you are okay and Harry’s smile is so radiant, Liam can see summer in it. He swears he will do anything for that smile. He looks away from Harry when Niall nudges his leg under the table. Their eyes locks and Liam nods.

“Harry? Can we get three more muffins, mate? Or four if you want one? They are so good. AND TEA!” Niall asks while tapping his tummy. Harry nods and goes behind the counter. Niall’s smile slips from his face in same time Liam’s does. They both look at Louis with blank faces and Louis goes rigid. Liam knows how they look, empty faces and voices void of emotions. It’s not the first time Niall and him team up like this. They can be intimidate when they want.

“Whose turn is this time?” Liam asks, his eyes still on Louis.

“I think yours, Leemo.” Niall puts his elbows on the table and blinks at Louis.

“I don’t know what is happening,” Louis’ eyes dart from one to another. “ but it’s creeping me out.”

“So, Louis, we all know each other here, right? You know me as that timid guy who is a little bit stupid,” Niall groans at this, but Liam continues. “And you know Niall as ball of Irish sunshine. We know you as this guy who sometimes gets into trouble, but is fairly a good guy, honest.” Louis just nods, thinking it’s better to keep quiet, to listen to what they have to say. It must be serious because it’s a rare situation to see Niall without a smile or Liam this..empty. “Good. And I guess you know we’re Harry’s best friends? And you probably think we’re not capable of hurting anyone, what with Niall’s too kind personality and me being too weak to even defend myself. Well that’s where you’re wrong. Because when people we care about are involved into something that can end up with them being hurt, we can be pretty, well, angry.” And Louis gets it now, this is The Best Friend Talk. He will admit, he is a little bit intimidated. “So, even though we’re not that badass, we can and we will break your face if you break Harry’s heart.” Liam finishes his speech with cold voice. He is staring into Louis’ eyes while Louis is looking right back.

“I guess he was right,” he finally opens his mouth, his eyes boring into Liam’s like he’s seeing him for the first time and Liam scrunches his eyes back. What does it mean? Who? “but don’t worry, I care too much about Harry to hurt him. And even if I do end up hurting him, I’m pretty sure my whole family is going to burn me alive. They’re very fond of him, too.” He smiles and Liam believes him. “And I’m glad Harry is surrounded by people that care about him.” Louis confesses at the end.

“What is happening?” Harry comes back before Niall and Liam can answer Louis, with muffins and tea in little cups.

“I’m not sure, love, but I think I just got the big brother talk.” Louis is still in awe.

“Oh, God, please don’t tell me they stared at you for 5 minutes and then made up some talk-“

“Oi! Styles, don’t tell him our secret!” Niall cries out finally, swatting Harry on his head.

“I’m sorry, but come on, guys, there was no need to scare him like that.”

“I wasn’t scared, Harold!” Louis gasps.

“Oh, babe, please don’t lie to me. I know how they look like when they do that, it’s scary, you can admit it. No one will judge you.” Harry drags his fingers through Louis’ hair and Louis smiles.

“Okay, yes, It was a little bit scary. BUT JUST BECAUSE I RARELY SEE THEM LIKE THAT, OKAY?”

“Yas, man, we’re getting better at this shit.” Niall laughs and high-fives Liam and Liam shakes his head, a proud smile on his face.

“It’ okay, Lou. Totally okay. I will protect you.” And Harry pampers Louis, telling sweet nothings into his ear. Louis’ eyes meet Liam’s and he nods. Liam nods back. There is an understanding between them. Louis’ feels this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

They chat about everything and nothing at all until it’s time to go home. And later, they departure with promises of hanging out and chills run down Liam’s spine because he can feel shifting in the air, like something big is about to happen. And he’s not looking forward to it.

Shit hits the fan pretty fast.

It’s little after noon and Liam can hear the bell ringing from his bedroom upstairs. One minute later, Niall and Harry are bursting through his door and he hides a notebook he had in his hand under pillow.

“Hello, Leemo, good day today, pretty day. Beautiful weather, not a single cloud in the sky, or that’s how we feel now that we’re with you. Now. In this moment. Don’t you feel it?” Niall lets a nervous laugh and glances at Harry who’s nodding furiously. Liam scoffs because there is a grey sky glaring at Liam through the window and he hates when Harry and Niall act like this, lika a nervous wreck. It means they’re about to say something Liam will definitely not like. And he is suddenly so tired, because he is not that breakable, for fuck’s sake. Whatever it is, he can handle it.

“Out with it, then.” He says and Niall stops his ramble. “Oh come off it, I know how you both work, so out with it.”

It’s Harry that speaks first, “I didn’t want to ask you through text, so I rung Ni and he picked me up and here we are.” His voice is tender, and it reminds Liam of that night when he showed up at Harry’s with tears in his eyes and pockets full of broken dreams. It was the last time he cried over Zayn. “Lou called me and he asked if you and Niall would want to hang out with us,” he pauses, trying to find right words. “Us being Louis, me –”

“And Zayn?” he interrupts and Harry looks away guilty. “Harry.. Listen to me and please, believe me, okay? It happened three months ago, I got over it. Yes, it sucks and yes, I cried like a little baby when it had happened,” he chuckles without any humour, “and, like, whatever. It’s not the first and it surely isn’t the last time. We’re young, our hearts are bound to get broken a few times and all that stuff. So, the next thing you’re going to do is call Louis and tell him to expect us in an hour or two. Okay?”

“Yeah.” Harry agrees and he’s about to get up, but Liam stops him.

“And Harry, you don’t need to be afraid of telling me things. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you couldn’t tell me anything.” Harry tries to argue, but Liam just shushes him. “I know you think you’re protecting me, both of you, but there’s no need.”

“We know that, but he hurt you.” Niall speaks and Liam hates how pathetic he had been then, how pathetic he still is.

“And I told you it wasn’t his fault,” he defends Zayn. Some habits never die.

Niall snarls, “Yeah, well it’s really hard to believe that when he lef-”

“Niall, come on, mate.” Harry pleads and Liam flushes furiously.

“I’m sorry, okay. I- if you think you can handle being a few feet away from Zayn for more than 10 minutes, we will go. I’m waiting you downstairs,” he’s out the door in four seconds and Liam crumbles a little inside.

“He’s just worried, Leemo,” Harry’s voice brings him back.

“There is no need, I’m okay.” Harry looks at him with a raised eyebrow. “What? I am! I wasn’t then, we all know that, but I am now. And it wasn’t his fault, you believe me, right?” I didn’t ask him to stay, he finishes in his head.

“What I think is that maybe talking to him will be a good closure or something,” Liam looks at him, suspicious in his eyes. Harry blinks slowly and smiles dreamly, his dimple making an appearance.

He remembers the conversation he had with Harry over the phone yesterday; Harry telling him he met Zayn once or twice, “I didn’t know how to act,” Harry had said, “because there he was, the man who broke my best friend’s heart and the best friend of my man. But then we got to talk and you were right.”

“About what?” he had asked, a tremor in his voice.

“He is very fit.”

“Haarry,” Liam whined  then, like a puppy when he’s hungry and he could hear Harry’s chuckle through the phone.

“I think he is the good one.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Liam?” Harry asks and Liam turns his head. “Everything will be alright. If you don’t like it, we will leave. But I have a good feeling about this.”

One hour later and Niall’s apologize in shape of a cookie, they’re in front of Louis’ house. Liam can feel his palm sweating, his heart hammering and lungs aching. He can do this. So what if Zayn is there. Zayn who was his first friend, his first crush, first kiss and a blowjob, first heartbreak-his first everything basically.

Harry knocks on the door and they’re greeted by a blonde head that Liam recognizes as Lottie, Louis’ younger sister.

“Harry, hey! Come in. Payne, Horan,” she says and ushers them into house. “They’re downstairs, go on.”

Niall and Liam follows Harry through hall and down the stairs.

“You’re here! Finally,” Louis kisses Harry and knock his knuckles with Niall and Liam as a hello. “Make yourself at home. You know Zayn,” he glances at Liam, who’s too busy gazing at said man to notice it. They’re both idiots, Louis thinks. “Yo, Malik, the guests are here!”

Zayn jumps from his seat, only now noticing them. His eyes fly from Niall to Liam and he waves awkwardly and says “Hey!”

“Malik.” Niall greets and nudges Liam to follow him to the couch.

“Zayn, hey,” Liam says gingerly and licks his lips nervously because this was a bad idea. Whose idea was this again?

“Hey,” Zayn breathes out, repeating himself. He can see Louis face palming and Harry’s shoulder shaking with quiet laughter. Mean fuckers.

“Okay, this is not weird at all,” Louis comments so only Harry can hear. “Maybe we should tell Niall about The Operation,” he muses over.

“Yeah, I mean, it’s all for a good cause, right? Us, involving in this mess?”

“Definitely, love.” They both smile at each over and then join the trio. “So, beer, anyone?”

Niall nods and glances at Zayn who’s nursing his own. He doesn’t know what to do. Liam told him to be nice. I’m always nice, Niall scoffs. He answered with “I’ll try,” and he will. For Liam. And Harry.

“Liam?” Louis asks.

“Liam doesn’t drink.” Niall and Zayn say at the same time and all five of them freeze. Niall sees a blush rising on Zayn’s cheeks, Liam’s fingers fidgeting in his lap with his eyes wide open and amused looks on Harry and Louis’ faces. He scrunches his eyes at them.

“Right,” Louis trails off. “Well, okay. Liam? Coke?”

“Yeah,” Liam tries not to squirm in his seat too much. Harry sits next to Niall, while Louis goes to fetch drinks and Zayn is still silent.

“So, Zayn, how was your Sunday morning?” Harry asks to break the tension and Niall swears this will end up in a disaster.

“Don’t ask,” Zayn shudders. “ Safaa woke me up so she could ask me who would win, Batman or Unicorn. It was 8 in the morning,” he whines and Niall lets a little laugh pass his lips while Liam hides his smile behind his hand and Harry giggles. “It was a nightmare.”

Liam remembers Safaa and her chubby fingers in Liam’s hand, tugging him everywhere-from swing in his back yard to kitchen where cookies were hiden from her.

“What did you tell her?” Niall asks, and Liam’s heart swells because Niall is trying.

“Batman, duh. But then she asked me why and I didn’t know what to answer, right? Because why would Batman even fight an unicorn? I swear, kids this days..” and with that, the tension breaks and Niall changes his mind, this will not end up in a disaster.

From then on, they chat about school, music, movies. Even Zayn and Liam exchange some words, with Liam’s shy voice and Zayn’s eager eyes. Niall is following their every move and the more he observe, the more he’s confused.

He can feel Liam next to him, relaxing with every passing minute, and he can see Zayn’s little smile when he makes Liam smile and the fondness in his eyes every time Liam says something back.

Malik is smiling. Ha, who would have thought, Malik and a smile in the same sentence. The world is about to end.

What? Is? Happening? He glances at Louis and he can see him observing them, too. Or he’s observing Harry who’s telling some boring story to Liam and Zayn.

Their eyes meet and Louis points his head to the door. They both get up with an excuse of getting some snacks. Harry just nods, knowing look in his eyes, but Liam and Zayn are too engrossed in each other, they don’t hear them and maybe Niall shouldn’t leave them alone with Harry. Liam with hollow eyes flashes in his mind and he bites his lips, debating if he should follow Louis or not. He looks at Harry who nudges his head at the door, and Niall trusts Harry with all his heart, so he turns his back at them and follows Louis up the stairs.

When they reach the kitchen, Louis is the first one to break the silence. “So, it’s not my place to tell you this,” he starts, “but my best friend is in love with yours.”  And Niall stares and stares until Louis chucks a candy at him.

“I’m confused. What?!” Niall nearly shouts, but Louis tells him to keep his voice down. “If he was in love with Liam, he wouldn’t hurt him. And newsflash, he fucking did!”

“I know, alright? I told him it was a dick move, but he-you know what, I don’t have to justify him to you. He’s not a bad guy, Horan, okay?”Louis voice goes soft. “I told him so many times to just tell Liam how he feels because a blind man could how Liam feels the same, but he’s a stubborn fucker, that one.”

Niall tries to find a lie in Louis, but there is non. So it’s confirmed: Zayn and Liam are idiots. And Niall together with them.

“Is Liam that transparent?” Niall asks and it makes Louis’ eyes crinkle.

“Not really, no. But it’s not that hard to figure it out when you have one idiot in love next to you to compare him to.” At this, Niall’s protective side simmers down a little. “And don’t tell me you never noticed Zayn pinning like a fool?”

Niall thinks about it and memories come: Zayn’s glare at Niall the first time he made Liam laugh so loud they both got detentions, his lingering looks, an awkward situation in the cafee near school when Harry came to surprise them-he had his arms around Liam when Zayn entered and Niall remembers how he stopped, looked at the two of them, turned around and left. Harry and Liam were too busy talking to notice him, but Niall saw Zayn’s frown and clenched fist. And so on and on. He thought it was because Zayn hated Liam, or so Liam told him that Zayn hated him, but now, well, it’s pretty clear.

“In my defense, I’m a little bit dense. I only noticed downstairs, how he’s always looking at Liam and I swear I heard him fucking purr when Liam blushed at something he had said. Jesus, I feel so stupid now.” Louis laughs so hard he has to lean on the fridge. “Oi, stop laughing!” Niall throws a crisp at him and they’re both laughing now. It’s a nice feeling, to be carefree.

“So, now that you know, you’re welcome to join Harry and me in The Operation, with capital T and O.”

“The Operation?” Niall scrunches his eyebrows in confusion.

“Yes,The Ziam Operation. You know, Zayn and Liam-Ziam?”

“Oh my God,” Niall hits his forehead. “That’s why Harry insisted on today.”

“Yeah. Hazza and I think they both need a little push in right direction and since this is our last year, we thought it’s time.” Niall doesn’t say anything, but he looks at Louis like he’s thinking it over.

He remembers Liam who looked like ghost, his eyes blank and his voice thin; one broken boy with dreams turned into nightmares.

“Was he broken?” he decides to ask, instead of telling Louis yes because he needs to know for sure; he can’t risk Liam’s smile and late April that finally reappeared in his eyes. Louis looks confused and Niall repeats, “Was. He. Broken? You know, like Liam was? Did he turn at your doorstep like Liam showed up at Harry’s, crying his eyes out and cursing himself? Did he tell you ‘I just wanted him to like me again’ over and over again?” He can feel anger rising again and his hands start to shake. He knows he souldn’t tell some stranger about Liam’s weakest point in boy’s life, (and he’s pretty sure Harry already told him some) but if they’re doing this, then Niall has to know that Liam is it for Zayn, like Niall knows Zayn is it to Liam; has been since they were kids, Liam had said once.

“I-“ Louis begins after Niall’s little rant. He looks tired, Niall notices, his eyes are sad and his lips pulled into frown. “I don’t know if you remember, but I was also at the party. I think we even said hellos. I was pretty pissed that night, it was a few days after I first met Harry, you know? I tried to forget those curls and that fucking dimple, but alas, it was all in vain.” He chuckles quietly and Niall offers a small smile.”Zayn wasn’t drunk, tho, maybe buzzed. What I remember is Zayn’s eyes when he saw Liam entering the house, the determined look on his face like he was ready to rage wars for Liam’s gaze on him, even for a second. And a few hours later, I found him in my car with a bloody hand. I panicked and started asking questions, what, why, how, but he just looked me in the eyes and whispered ‘Tommo, I think I broke my heart again,’ with even voice, but so, so delicate. Of course, I started crying then, and then he started crying. We were a crying mess for an hour until he fell asleep.” He takes a deep breath and then,”I swear, he broke my heart then, too. I never saw Zayn so, well, broken, you know? He is a strong lad, that one, but he’s also a scared boy. He told me what had happened when we got home, later that morning. I also noticed my broken car window when we arrived at mine. So, is that an answer you wanted?”

“I’m sorry,” Niall presses his fingers at his temple, trying to collect himself.

Louis barks a laugh at that and says “What can you do, they’re two very emotional idiots who don’t have enough courage to face each other, so they send puppy eyes and break their own hearts over and over again.” Niall smiles at this, because it’s true.

“I’m in.”

“Of course you’re in, Horan. We’re going to kill it!” Louis brings his fist up and Niall can’t help but agree: he will help Liam find his happiness. Yes, they’re young, there is time to fall in love in new people, but Niall  is sure Liam and Zayn are meant to be.

He’s a sap, really.

Chapter Text

Harry is very, very pleased right now. His green eyes are trailing from Zayn whose eyes crinkles from smiling so much and he’s tapping Liam’s back with his right hand, to Liam who is blushing furiously and ducking his head in an embarrassment. Harry wonders if this is how they were when they were kids, before everything and before that stupid party.

He understands that people grow apart, friends leave, they stop talking and they move on- Harry has a childhood best friend, they don’t talk that much now, they both found people they work better with. But what Harry doesn’t understand is how Liam and Zayn are not friends. Today’s the first time he sees them together and he never expected it to be like this: Liam laughing like Zayn has never hurt him in his life and Zayn being gentle like this- he doesn’t remember Zayn ever being this soft with someone who’s not a family.

 He’s watching them now and it’s like watching someone coming home after being gone for too long. He smiles faintly because they’re both idiots and how couldn’t they see what’s right in front of them? Same puppy eyes, same love shining in them and same fear.

His thoughts are interrupted with Niall’s cackling noises and he looks at him and Louis descending the stairs. So that went well, he guesses.

“So, are we watching something, or are you two too busy for us now?” Louis asks and he realizes too late that it’s a mistake. He sees Liam furrowing his eyebrows and shifting away from Zayn whose hand is still on Liam’s back.

Well done, you idiot.

Zayn moves his hand, but not before he trails his fingers over Liam’s spine, like a reminder that he was there. Liam unconsciously leans back, the hair on his hands stand up and the memory of I'm good, I'm good, I'm great / Know it's been a while, now I'm mixing up the drink in his ear makes his knees weak even though he’s sitting. He can taste a shadow of that night on his tongue and he bites his lips to bring himself back to present.

“Actually,” Liam clears his throat, “I have to go, I promised my mom I won’t be long. Um, she has this thing, right, Niall?”

Niall answers without missing a beat, “ Yeah, sweet Karen complained  earlier how you still haven’t cleaned the backyard, Leemo, shame on you.” Liam rolls his eyes, because it’s true. His mother pestered him all week, but he still hasn’t done it. His mom thinks he’s lazy, but she doesn’t know that Liam’s not ready to say goodbye to his childhood, really.

Zayn stands up and surprises everyone in the room, “I’ll drive you.”

Liam starts to panic and it’s evident on his face when Niall looks at him. Niall knows he agreed to help The Ziam Operation, but it’s not going to happen today, apparently, not when Liam is looking at him like this- his mouth curled into frown and eyes glazed over.

“With whose car, you idiot? I’m not giving you mine!” Louis jumps in. “You remember what happened last time?”

And right before Zayn tells Louis to go fuck himself, Niall says “It’s okay, I’ll go. I have to take my jacket from Liam’s, so I think it’s the best if I go.” It’s a lame excuse, Niall knows, but whatever.

Zayn’s posture crumbles a little and his eyes find Liam’s. And fuck, he just wants to talk to Liam, to listen him babbling about everything and nothing at all, to touch the birthmark on his neck and taste those sinful lips again, but he can’t.

“Right,” even though I could get it for you is left unsaid.

Louis can see the wall going up and up, Zayn’s face turning stoic and Louis should have kept his mouth shut.

Zayn sits back next to Liam who is still on the sofa and their knees bump. Liam can feel the goosebumps all over his body and he hates how one touch can make him this weak.

“Right,” Liam echoes back, biting his lower lip.

The second after, a Hand me a towel I'm dirty dancing by myself is filling the air, a phone on the table flashing Perrie on its screen.

“Hey, babe,” Zayn answers, his lips turned into smirk, with his stance nonchalant like he didn’t offer to drive Liam, like he didn’t touch or smile at him not ten minutes ago.

And of course, of course. How could Liam forget about Perrie? Sweet Perrie with her honest smile and silky voice? A smart, funny girl who has this cheerful personality and beautiful soul and just.. everything that Liam isn’t and doesn’t have.

Beautiful.

Skinny.

Courageous.

Vibrant.

Lovable.

They’re friends, Liam knows that; Liam knows every person Zayn is hanging out with now - they all grew up together around same park, same football pitch and when they entered high school, grew apart.

But he heard rumors about the two of them a few days earlier, always somehow touching and whispering to each other. He even saw them together last Wednesday; he was passing the garden of some coffee shop when he heard the familiar laughter and there they were: drinking some coffee and talking about God knows what , Perrie with her hand around Zayn’s wrist and it made Liam sick. He walked away with his head bowed down before they notice him staring. They’re too absorbed in each other to notice you, stupid.

Liam can hear her talking through the phone and it wakes him up: Zayn is not yours; he talked and laughed with you, but it didn’t mean anything. Of course it didn’t. Stupid.

Of course.

“Okay,” Liam whispers to himself and stands up to move. He doesn’t see Louis glaring at Zayn, Harry biting his lip, but he sees Niall looking at him and it gives him enough strength to walk past Zayn without crumbling into a pile of fucking mess.

“Horan, would you mind giving me a ride? It’s on the way to Liam’s,” Zayn asks and Liam freezes. A few things happen at the same time: Louis is yelling “You prick, the fuck, you told me you could stay all day!” at Zayn, Zayn is just glaring back at him, Harry is cursing himself because he should’ve known that this would end up in a disaster, Niall is still looking at Liam and it’s like he’s asking him What now, what now?  with his blue eyes and Liam’s mind is singing So I heard you found somebody else / and at first I thought it was a lie ans he starts laughing because his life is a fucking joke, a bucket full of shit and he swears, if he survives today, he’ll live forever.

He calms down when he notices them staring. “Sorry, sorry,” he coughs, a laugh still evident in his voice. “I just- you didn’t see Niall’s face when Louis started yelling,” he lies, of course he fucking lies, what would he tell them: sorry, I just lost it because the love of my life is in love with another human, a girl,  and I’m pretty sure I’m destined to love him in every universe and he to love somebody else?

Hm, maybe he could write that poem after all - all tragic and nothing golden.

Niall, bless him again, plays it cool and pretends to be offended, “Oi! Payno, he scared the shit out of me.”

Harry chuckles and adds, “You baby,” but then his eyes flies to Louis and he feels guilt creeping in his bones, because he never wanted this to happen, to see Liam like this again, on edge of hysteric and what the fuck did they try to accomplish with this.

Louis looks like he’s about to commit a murder, “I’ll drive you, we’re out of juice,” he says to Zayn, leaving no room for argument.

Zayn nods just once, glances at Liam and there is that.

Liam and Niall leave behind sad Harry with a promise of seeing him on Monday after school from Liam and Niall’s promise of bringing him some cookies from mama Karen. Niall waves at Zayn and Liam murmurs “See ya,” and hurries up the stairs.

Louis sends them off with a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes, but Liam doesn’t notice it, too busy trying to keep himself together. When Niall drives off, he takes a deep breath because he’s not ready for this, not at all.

Louis is very familiar with that saying: Poison is kept in small bottles- he is small and deadly and he’s fucking ready to kill that idiot downstairs that he calls his best friend.

“WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?” He yells even before he descends the stairs.

“What was what?” Zayn asks coolly, but Louis can see right through him: clenched jaw and hands clamped around his leather jacket like that’s the only thing keeping him afloat.

Louis glares at him, but then he turns his eyes to Harry and asks, “Sweetheart, can you leave us alone for 5 minutes, please?”

Harry can feel the tension, can see Louis’ rigid back and Zayn’s hard face, but he nods and goes upstairs.

“Zayn,” just his name said in soft voice makes him weak, because that’s Louis, so gentle with him and it’s enough to break him. Louis cares, is the thing and Zayn closes his eyes to calm himself, not to keep tears at bay, not at all. “Didn’t you break things off with her?” Louis asks after small pause, his voice still soft, like he’s talking to one of his sisters.

Zayn is so happy to have Louis in his life, in this moment because he’s the only person Zayn can be open and vulnerable with, beside his family.

And Liam, once upon a time.

It was always Liam, always will be, he thinks.

“Lou,” he inhales, his eyes still closed. “I did, yeah.”

“Then what the fuck was that?” Zayn can feel a dip on the couch and Louis’ hand around his shoulder, tugging him towards. He buries his head in Louis’ chest and breathes out.

Louis is safety, late nights and a brother he never had, his best friend.

“It’s really over between us, I never lied to you. Yeah, we tried to date, but we agreed that we’re better off as friends because,” Zayn stops here, because it’s still hard to talk about it, “because we’re both in love with another people.” He can feel Louis’ hands squeezing him tight and he relaxes.

It’s Louis, he knows about this, it’s okay.

“And it’s not that hard being friends with her, you know that. I like her too much to just stop talking to her just because we snogged once or twice and called ourselves a couple,” he snorts and remembers how Perrie told him bluntly Zee, you know I love you, but I’m in love with Jade and fuck, this is not working. Friends?  and Zayn laughed so hard, kissed her on the cheek and answered Friends.

A few days later, they met in a coffee shop to discuss about Perrie’s plan to declare her love to Jade.

“She called because I promised I would help her paint a graffiti and she finally found a perfect wall for it.” He grows silent again, but Louis nudges him to keep talking, so he does. “I want to help her, because she deserves it. And if I can’t have-” There is a lump in his throat and burning behind his eyelids and fuck, fuck, fuck. “If I can’t have the one I love, then maybe she can.” Zayn finishes and Louis just hugs him while Tell me pretty lies, look me in the face, tell me that you love me even if it’s fake is floating in the air.

Louis needs to turn that damn radio off, fuck.

“Zee,” Louis begins, “you need to tell him, mate, alright?” Sounds of protest and whines pass Zayn’s lips and Louis chuckles quietly. “You didn’t see how he looked at you today, how he looks at you all the time.”

“That’s bullshit, Tommo.” Zayn wants to believe it, he really does, but.. Liam is sweet and kind, one of the good ones. He reminds Zayn of winter- when there is coldness clutching his fingers, and he can see the blizzard roaring through the window, but then his baba offers him a mug of hot chocolate and a blanket and suddenly he’s so warm, he can feel the fire under his fingertips and the Sun in his hair- that is Liam, the warmness in his heart and the sunshine in the middle of December.

And Zayn doesn’t deserve that.

“Just tell him,” Louis insists, but he knows it’s in vain. He lost count how many times they had this conversation and every damn time it ends the same: Zayn never believing and Louis on the verge of pulling all of his hair out in frustration.

“He hates me,” Zayn whispers so, so quietly, and Louis swears they will fix this, they will.

“He doesn’t hate you, you stupid fuck, he is hurt because you were a prick that night, I told you that already.” He nudges Zayn so he can look him in the eyes, “You made a mistake, you need to apologize for that.”

“Lou-”

“He thinks he’s the mistake, you know?” Harry says suddenly and Louis and Zayn’s heads whip around to him.

“Jesus fuck, Styles, you gave me a heart attack!” Louis tells him while Zayn is looking at him, his eyes wide in disbelief.

“Sorry, babe,” Harry tells him, but Louis knows he’s not really sorry, that little punk. He sits across them and says, “Zayn, if you don’t feel comfortable with me here, I’ll leave, but I need to tell you something, alright?” Zayn just nods, so Harry continues. “You’re a good man, yeah? And you wanna know how I know that?” Harry asks, but he doesn’t wait for an answer. “Not because you’re Louis’ best friend and not because I met you and got to know you, but because of Liam.

He talks about you sometimes, but it’s never bad things, only memories and stories full of fondness. He still thinks a world of you, even though you ditched him. So yeah, you made a mistake, but we both know the mistake is not you two doing whatever you two did,” he smirks and Zayn’s face burns deep red, “but you leaving, right? But he doesn’t.”

A beat of silence and then “I never meant to hurt him,” and Harry bites Which time? back. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Tell him!” Louis and Harry scream out at the same time and Zayn scoffs. Right.

“Tell him what?” Zayn turns towards Harry. And it’s okay for Harry to know about that screwed up mess, but if Louis told Harry how he feels about Liam, he is going to fucking murder both of them.

“That you’re in love with him!” Harry blurts out and there it is.

Zayn looks at Louis who is looking everywhere but at him. “Louis?” He asks, his voice calm. He knows that Louis knows what that mean. Louis’ eyes finally meet Zayn’s and he can see a regret in them.

“I didn’t tell him anything!” Louis brings his hands up in defense.

“Really now? So can you please tell me why Harry thinks I’m- I’m in love with his best friend?” His face is emotionless, but there is a tremor in his hands and burning in his lungs.

“You dolt, you told me yourself.” Harry saves his boyfriend, himself and the whole world.

“No, I didn’t,” Zayn glares at Harry.

“Okay, maybe you didn’t tell me with words, but you did tell me.”

 “No, I didn’t.”

“Okay, you didn’t voluntarily told me,” Harry snickers at him and it makes Zayn frown even more.

“Harold, please explain to him what you mean by that before he kills both of us here,” Louis says it like a joke, but his face is somber. “Zee, relax, okay? I didn’t tell him anything, he’s just a smart boy,” he adds and doesn’t think about how he told Niall about it, nope.

Zayn’s eyes travel from Louis to Harry but then he leans back on the couch and waits.

“The first time we’ve met, you didn’t know about me being friends with Liam and Ni, right? But I knew who you were, what you did,” Harry sees Zayn cringing, but he continues anyway, “And I thought So this is the boy who hurt Liam, well Liam was right, he is very fit,” Zayn’s cheeks are burning again and there is a murmur from Louis I’m fit too, not just Zayn. “I didn’t want to like you, really, but then we started talking and laughing and it was nice, you were nice. And then I thought, Well, damn, Liam was right again, he is hard, but also mellow.”

“He told you I was mellow?” Zayn interrupts, surprised by this information. He thought Liam forgot about his softness, because ever since they grew up, Zayn was nothing but cold to him.

“Yes, not important right now. Where was I? Right, right. So the second time we’ve met, you still didn’t know who my friends are. We were here and you were doing your homework and you asked me to pass you something from your bag. I opened it, right? And I gave you what you asked, but while I was taking it out, some papers fell on the floor and when I got down to pick them up, there he was: staring out the window with his birthmark on a display. I must admit, you draw really, really well. It was.. very realistic.”

Zayn stares.

And stares.

Louis finally makes a move and takes his jaw in his hands and turns Zayn’s head towards him. “You are not a coward, Malik. You will fucking fix this mess, you’ll seduce the love of your life and then live happily ever after. You understand?” He taps Zayn’s left cheek and then kisses him on his forehead.

Zayn wants to ask Harry if he told Liam about that, does Liam finds him creepy, does Liam knows about his feelings and some more, but he doesn’t.

He‘s afraid of answers, so he just tilts his head in an agreement.

Harry claps his hands excited and Louis howls next to him.

Fuck, he’s really doing this.

It is a very hot night, a few days before senior year starts and there is something in the air- something melancholic and sweet at the same time. Liam can hear a loud bass from the house in front of him; there are some people outside, bottles of cheep beer in their hands and sweet smile on their faces, singing some song out of key and Liam cringes a little, they sound awful. Niall, next to him, tells them just that and one of the girl laugh and agree, well yes, we suck something, alright.

“Come on, Leemo,” Niall says and opens the front door. The house belongs to some girl Liam and Niall both know in passing, but she was kind enough to call them to the party because they’re celebrating their final year and she wanted everyone to have nice time.

Liam enters after him and he it’s very crowded, but he sees Danny and Ant at couch with some girls he had English last year; there are Jesy and Leigh-Anne at the bottom of stairs that lead on first floor. He waves at them and follows Niall to the kitchen.

He takes a cane of coke from Niall because he doesn’t drink and says hello to some people. Niall is doing most of the talking, like always, but Liam is okay with that right now. He comments this and there and he laughs at some joke Niall says and it’s enough.

The problem arises two hours later when he loses Niall. He’s still in the kitchen with his back turned towards door, and there are a few people chatting at the sink, but he doesn’t know them and he can feel the loneliness creeping behind the kitchen counter and he tries not to frown, he doesn’t want to think how he’s a failure. He’s having a good time, damn it.

He curses Harry for having an early shift tomorrow and himself for being so awkward.

He hears a familiar song and he starts to hum, his head bopping with rhythm. At least the music is great. “Woke up by a girl, I don’t even know her name,” he’s singing softly and suddenly there are hands on his hips and someone’s lips near his ear, a breath mixed with alcohol and sweetness tingling his neck.

“I’m good, I’m good, I’m great. Know it’s been a while, now I’m mixing up a drank,” a voice he knows so well sings into his right ear. It makes his head dizzy and his hands are sweating so much and what the fuck is Zayn doing? He tries to move, but Zayn’s hands are holding him locked. “Hello, Leeyum,” Zayn whispers and he can probably feel a shiver that runs through Liam just now.

Liam curses himself in his head and tries to turn around, but it’s in vain. Zayn’s left palm is on Liam’s stomach, his other hand around Liam’s wrist, while his nose is buried behind Liam’s ear. Liam forgets how to speak, how to breath - there is only Zayn and his lips brushing his ear while he’s singing the rest of the song.

This is wrong, so wrong. He’s drunk, Liam thinks, but then Zayn is trailing his left hand across Liam’s chest and he stops right over Liam's heart that’s beating wildly against his ribcage.

“Leeyum,” Zayn says his name like that again and Liam’s knees buckle and thank god for Zayn’s hands, because Liam would’ve probably ended up on the floor if they weren’t holding him tight.

“Zayn,” Liam finally speaks up, his hands trying to move Zayn’s, but Zayn only takes them in his and continues to hold Liam.

“Leyum?” Zayn asks and Liam turns his head, or tries to, but he can’t move it very far, so Zayn’s lips slide from his ear to his cheekbone, Zayn’s beard scratching his skin lightly, and Liam’s lips accidently brushes over Zayn’s jaw. “Dance with me,” he requests, his lips caressing his cheek.

Liam can feel a blush rising, or a fire burning inside him and Zayn is talking to him, he is so close and why not enjoy it for a little bit?

Why not enjoy it until Zayn realizes who he’s touching and dancing with.

So he nods and relaxes into Zayn. He can feel Zayn’s smirk, so he starts moving, his hips barely touching Zayn. I can be bold, too, he thinks.

He doesn’t notice people leaving the kitchen, but he notices Zayn moving closer, if that’s even possible, and he feels Zayn’s groin brushing his behind, his hands all over Liam - from his lower stomach to his neck, Zayn’s fingers making a melody of their own.

There are soft lips on Liam’s neck, leaving soft trail all over his birthmark and he lets out a whimper when Zayn bites him. He didn’t mean to, he swears, but a soft whine leaves his lips again and again until all he can do is move his hips against Zayn’s groin and moan like he’s drunk on Zayn.

He is.

Zayn turns him around suddenly and Liam gasps because Zayn will see he’s so, so hard and he’ll leave him alone - he doesn’t want to be alone and it’s like Liam lost his mind when Zayn touched him. His eyes find Zayn’s and his pupils are dilated, his hair a mess from Liam’s fingers. Zayn’s lips are moving again, his fingers trailing up and down Liam’s arm in soothing manner, but Liam can’t hear a word he’s saying. He’s mind is foggy and he blinks at Zayn when he sees his mouth are turned upwards in a smirk.

“Leyum?”

“Please,” Liam whines out before he can stop himself, his head tilted to the left, bearing his neck and coffee colored birthmark to Zayn’s hungry eyes. His eyes are closed and his hands are on Zayn’s chest now, can feel Zayn’s heart beating the same rhythm like his.

It would be so romantic, if it wasn’t so tragic.

“Leeyum, what do you want?” Zayn cups his cheek and Liam opens his eyes to see Zayn draging his lower lip between his teeth and he is so beautiful. “Leeyum, babe, you need to answer me.” Zayn’s fingers forces his head up so their eyes could meet.

“You,” Liam answers without missing a beat and now it’s Zayn’s turn to gasp.

There is a moment of silence and then he’s pushed against a table; there are lips on Liam’s, hands in his hair and on his neck, so he clutches Zayn back and opens his mouth to let Zayn in.

“Are you sure, Leeyum?” Zayn mumbles while leaving soft kisses all over Liam’s face.

Liam clears his head for a second, because this is Zayn asking him for his consent and his heart burst with love for this soft, soft boy, so he whispers yes against his lips, yes, yes.

The next few minutes are a blur of people and noises, but the only thing that is clear to Liam is Zayn’s hand tugging him somewhere.

He’s pushed against the locked door and he closes his eyes because Zayn’s teeth on his neck are doing something to him. He tugs Zayn by his hair until he’s face to face with him and then he dips his head down and kisses Zayn’s neck, softly at first, but then Zayn lets out a gasp and it drives Liam mad, so he bites the skin there and soothes it with his tongue, leaving a wet trail and an angry mark.

Zayn nudges him up, moves his leg between Liam’s and he can feel Liam’s hard on pressing, so he nudges his leg a little more; it makes Liam whimper and his hips start moving against it, his fingers clutching Zayn’s upper arm so hard they leave bruises there.

After a few minutes, (or was it an infinity later) Zayn moves his leg, but his fingers are tugging Liam’s t-shirt. Liam throws his hands over his head and Zayn takes off Liam’s shirt and then his.

Liam is in awe; his fingers are moving over Zayn’s tattoos, his bare shoulders and down his stomach. He’s suddenly very insecure, because he knows how he looks, he has a mirror at home. His stomach is floppy, there is a scar from his surgery years ago and Zayn is looking at him and he’s seeing this, this ugly boy in front of him and what an idiot Liam was, thinking he was pretty enough.

“You’re beautiful,” Zayn breathes out.

Liam averts his eyes from him and whispers shyly “You’re beautiful.”

“Li, Li-“ Zayn kisses him again, his hands brushing his chest. “I wanna blow you, Li, can I?” He nuzzles his head against Liam’s neck and Liam’s eyes widen at those words.

“Zee, hey,” he takes Zayn’s face in his hands, “I didn’t ask, I didn’t ask if you’re okay with this,” he starts to panic, “Zee, you’re drunk, you don’t have to do anything, hey, Zee.”

Zayn knows what Liam is asking, so he offers a smile and whispers “I want this, I’m not drunk, I swear.”

And the next thing Liam knows is Zayn on his knees in front of him with his hands on Liam’s belt and mouth near his dick, his eyes still on Liam’s.

“Yeah, fuck, yeah, Zee,” Liam whines out and it’s an answer Zayn was waiting for.

There is a tongue on him, licking and devouring him. He looks down at Zayn and just this picture: his face from this angle with Liam’s dick in his mouth, makes Liam buckle into Zayn’s hot mouth.

Zayn chokes, but he doesn’t stop - he only looks at Liam, their eyes locked now. Liam moves his hand in Zayn’s hair and tugs once, experimentally, and Liam swears he can feel Zayn purring around his dick. It’s enough to make him close to cuming, so he whispers raspy, “Zee, Zee, I’m close.”

Zayn takes it out from his mouth, but leaves his tongue out, his lower lip barely touching it.

“It’s okay, Li, let it go, good boy,” Zayn tells him and after one, two, three tugs, he’s cuming with a loud groan on Zayn’s face and it’s the most beautiful thing he has ever seen.

Zayn tucks him back, lifts his pants up and nudges him towards a bed and he sits, his head still in daze.

After a few minutes, when his mind is a bit clearer, he sees Zayn’s across him, face clean. He smiles dumbly, his eyes are probably weird right now, but he’s too fucked up to care.

Zayn smiles back and he stalks towards him, a little sway in his hips and Liam can see Zayn is still hard and it must be painful by now, so he takes things in his own hands.

When Zayn sits next to him and leans in for a kiss, Liam moves away. He can see Zayn grimacing, but he still moves - down, down on his knees between Zayn’s parted legs.

Zayn’s breathing speeds up because Liam is on his knees in front of him, his eyes looking at him innocently.

“Zee, can I? Please,” Liam begs, and fuck, Zayn will come in his pants just from his pretty eyes.

“Yeah, babe,”  Zayn helps Liam with his pants because Liam’s hands are shaking so much, but he stops him for a second with “Li, you don’t have to, you know that?” because he doesn’t want Liam doing anything he will regret later.

But soft “Please” whispered against his still clothed dick is enough to make him let Liam’s hands free.

He moves his hand towards Liam’s face, his thumb against Liam’s lower lip. Liam opens his mouth and the finger dips in; Zayn groans and takes his thumb out, but pushes his index and middle finger right back and Liam just takes it, like a good boy he is.

The words make Liam whine and Zayn’s dick jumps at the sound.

He takes his fingers out, a trail of saliva on them; he moves his hands beside him and looks at Liam like he’s saying Here you go, babe, all yours and Liam perks up. And Zayn is so, so fucked up because Liam looks like he has never done it, and wait, wait..

Zayn’s eyes widen and he’s tugging Liam back. “Liam, hey, babe, look at me, yeah?” Liam, still on his knees, still so eager to please and fuck, what is Zayn doing? “Am I- Am I your first?”

Liam looks confused for a second and then he’s averting his eyes from Zayn, and fuck, he fucked up.

“Oh,” Zayn whispers and he doesn’t know how to feel: glad that he’s Liam’s first or sad because he destroyed it for Liam. It should’ve been romantic, with candles and sweetness, not rough and angry like this. “Oh, fuck.” In a second, he’s on his legs, moving rapidly around room, looking for his shirt, Liam still on the floor.

He gets dressed in 30 seconds and his eyes never meet Liam’s.

Not when he says “Sorry, it was a mistake,” nor before he closes the door quietly behind him, and so he doesn’t see Liam’s eyes welling up with tears, his shoulders shaking when he finally lets them fall and right before he closes the door - he doesn’t see him crumbling into pieces.

Liam doesn’t break in the car, he doesn’t break when Niall asks him if he’s alright and if he needs him to stay nor does he break when he says he just wants to be alone right now to collect his thoughts. Niall tries to protest, but Liam is a stubborn idiot, so Niall leaves with a heavy heart in his chest.

Surprisingly enough, Liam doesn’t break at all, but he writes and scratches out some words, then he writes the lines again and again until he has a decent something made up and a title at the top of paper with his messy handwriting saying There is this boy.

It will do.

Chapter Text

Monday comes and goes with fleeting glances at Liam and trembling hands when he tries to write; it passes with burning in his chest and Louis’ nagging and his mama’s worrying. Zayn is trying, alright, he’s trying, but every time Liam sees him, he runs in other direction and Zayn knows it’s his fault and he knows he promised to try to fix this stupid thing

but

There is always but.

How can he win Liam over when he left him? Why didn’t he stay and talk to him? Take Liam’s soft hands in his and tell him what his heart has been telling him since they were kids? Why didn’t he brush Liam’s curls away from his eyes, kiss those red lips again and again and again?

He’s an idiot, and a jerk and a stupid.

When Zayn comes home that day, he finds his mom and Safaa on the couch in living room surrounded with photo albums.

“Zaynn!” Safaa squeals and his bad mood is gone, replaced with Safaa’s laughter and his mom’s soft Welcome home, Sunshine.

He leaves his bag on the floor and sits on the floor, small smile on his face. “What are you doing?”

“Oh, we’re trying to find some photos for Safaa’s class,” his mother answers, still going through stack of photos in her hand and a fond look on her face.

“Yeah, we’re all bringing some phot- oh! Oh, mom, look! It’s a flower,” Safaa cries out, her voice full of giggles. Zayn looks at her and

Oh.

Oh.

His smile slides from his face and fuck, it really is a flower, an origami flower. His mind flashes back to warm day in June and a backyard with a swing and a blanket on grass with two boys on it and all around them crayons and papers, a proper mess. He can feel a soft breeze on his face, he can hear an echo of childish laugh and there is –

“-yn?” His mother’s voice brings him back. There is worry in her eyes, her lips turned down in a frown. “You okay, sweetie?”

“I-Yeah, jus’-”

“It’s so pretty, can you teach me how to do it, Zee? Please, please,” Safaa interrupts him and she’s so sweet, her eyes shining innocently and fuck, he never learned how to do it, even though Liam tried to teach him. “Oh, oH! Look, it says it’s for you, Zee. For Zaynie, that’s what it says.”

And Zayn knows what’s on that paper, what colour of crayon was used and what’s written under Zaynie.

“It’s from Liam. Who’s Liam, Zee?” Zayn closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He fucked up badly, it’s official. When he openes his eyes, his mom is looking at him again, sad eyes full of concern and he can see Safaa waiting for her answer. She blinks at him, her eyes same shape as his and he bites his lips to stop a sound coming out of his mouth.

She forgot Liam; Liam who always gave her cookies, always made her laugh, always ruffed her hair and whispered I always wanted a little sister to Zayn when no one was around.

“Safaa,” Tricia brings Safaa’s attention to her. She takes an album from Safaa’s lap and flips a page or two. When she finds what she’s looking for, she points her finger and says, “Here, this is Liam.”

Safaa studies the picture - there is young Zayn with chubby cheeks and missing tooth and next to him is a boy, head full of curls, eyes shaped in halfmoons.

“Oh! It’s Leeeyuuuum,” she drags Liam’s name out like she’s remembering him now, how his name sounded when she was was five. “I remember him now. He taught me how to drive a bike, remember, Zee?”

“Yeah,” Zayn lets out.

“Where is he now?”

“He- he’s still here, Safaa,” Zayn chokes the words out, but it’s not true, right. Liam is not here, he hasn’t been here in so long.

“I don’t remember him coming around. Are you still friends, Zee?” She asks and Zayn can feel Tricia’s eyes on him knowing the answer.

“I-uh, no, Safaa,” he says. Safaa’s lips part open to ask another question, but Tricia beats her to it.

“Safaa, come, baby, it’s getting late. Why don’t you pick up those photos and Zayn and me will clean this up, okay?”

“Yes, mama,” Safaa tells them and then runs away before her mom changes her decision and makes her stay to clean up.

She disappears through the door and there’s only Zayn, his mom and the rose.

“Soo,” Tricia speaks after some silence. Zayn snaps his eyes from photos towards her and he crumbles a little because she’s looking at him with her soft eyes like she sees what is happening in his head. “Are we ever going to talk about it?”

“About what?”

“About Liam situation, of course,” she smiles kindly and pats an empty space beside her, so Zayn stands up from the floor and sits next to her.

“I, pardon my language,” he takes a deep breath, “fucked up.” His mom doesn’t make a sound – she’s waiting for Zayn to continue; it’s always like this, her silence and reassurance all in one and it always makes him feel safe, so he continues. “I did something I’m not proud of and it-” he clenches his hands into fists, his nails digging in soft flesh. “I – and he,” Tricia takes Zayn’s hands into hers and he unclenches them and it’s like she’s saying I’m here, but his mind is a mess and a hurricane of words is trying to break free, but he can’t speak them, still doesn’t know how to, so he settles to what he knows, what his sketches and poems on margines in his notebooks are saying. “Liam is my jaan.”

His mom lets out a sound of surprise, so Zayn turns to her, to explain it, but when he sees her eyes full of unshed tears, he stops dead in tracks.

“Oh, Sunshine,” she squeezes his hands, “you’re in love.”

“Yeah, I- I love him, mom, but I messed up and I don’t know how to fix it.” He bites his lips to stop his tears from falling.

“Honey, I know you and I know that, once you make up your mind, there’s nothing you can’t do and it’s like it’s written in stone-it’s going to happen no matter what. So, if you decided to fix it, you will. Maybe it takes time, maybe it doesn’t, but you need to try, if you want Liam back in your life.”

“You don’t know what I did, mom, I hurt him and he-”

“Zayn,” she says sternly, “I didn’t raise you to hurt others, but, does- does he know you love him, is that the reason you’re not friends with him? Did he hurt you?”

“God, no, mom! It’s Liam, he wouldn’t hurt a fly, you know that.”

“I know a 7-year-old Liam wouldn’t and a 15-year-old Liam wouldn’t, but I don’t know a 17-year-old Liam, sweetie, so I had to ask,” she says softly and Zayn cringes because, while Zayn knows Liam would never hurt him, he doesn’t know 17-year-old Liam either.

Does Liam still read comics?

Does he still helps his mom with cooking?

Does he still cry when he watches The Fox and the Hound or Toy Story?

Zayn doesn’t know.

But he knows Liam still laughs the same, still smells like apples and cinnamon and still draws a little Sun on every page of his books and notebooks.

And Zayn now knows how Liam’s hand feels in his and how it fits in his like a puzzle piece and he knows how Liam tastes and feels and looks when he cums.

“I was at Louis’ the other day,” Zayn begins, “and he was there. And I swear he made me feel like we were nine again. He was laughing with me, talking with me,” he lets a dry laugh out, “he was right next to me, mom, and I still didn’t apologize, didn’t know how and I still don’t know.”

“Sunshine..”
“And I don’t- I know he will forgive me, because that’s how Liam is, but I don’t think I will ever forgive myself. And let’s not forget a part where I’m in love with him and he doesn’t feel the same.”

“Zayn, I think you need to talk to him and explain why you did what you did, because, even if I didn’t see Liam in a very long time, I know he will make you forgive yourself. You two were always like that.”

“But that’s the thing, I don’t want to be forgiven, mom, because I deserve it. Hell, I messed up so bad, I can’t even look myself in a mirror!”

“Oh, you were always a dramatic, Zayn,” she scoffs and Zayn scoffs in return, because, dang it, it’s true. “I know you, I know you would never hurt anyone on purpose, especially Liam, darling, come on.”

“But I did, mom. I stopped being friends with him because I was afraid he would hate me if he ever found out about my feelings and I left him, God!”

He left a 15-year-old Liam without looking back and he left a 17-year-old Liam in the same way.

“Okay, I see your point, sweetie, but people leave, people come back, it’s life. But you need to fight for what you want and if Liam is what you want, then find a way to apologize and win him over. Come on, you have your father’s charm and face, you can charm Liam.” She laughs and it makes Zayn smile, too.

He has Louis on his side.

He has his mom on his side.

He can do it, he will win Liam over, he swears.

I will.

Tuesday comes and goes with Zayn writing and writing, too absorbed in his thoughts to notice Louis and Niall exchanging looks that are very, very suspicious. What Zayn doesn’t know is that they, together with Harry, are planing a plan B, if Zayn’s plan doesn’t go well. They hope it will go well, because their plan include kidnaping and locked door...

(They tried, alright.)

Wednesday flies away with Perrie breathing on his neck; she and Jade finally got together, so now that her love drama is over, she decided to meddle in his.

Apparently, everyone in his group of friends know he is in love with Liam. So there is that.

Great.

Perfect.

Oh, and everyone is pretty sure Liam is in love with him, too.

It gives him hope, even if he’s trying to squash her. Louis slaps him on his head and calls him stupid, but he says it fondly, so Zayn doesn’t take a offence.

Thursday begins with Zayn explaining Louis his plan.

Write a poem, give it to Liam and run away somewhere far.

Louis hits him on head once again and tells Zayn his plan.

Write a poem, buy a bunch of Liam’s favorite flowers, go to Liam’s front door, knock on it, give Liam flowers and read a poem to Liam then kiss him like there’s no tomorrow.

This time Zayn hits Louis, because, “I will not force myself on him, Lewis!”

“Oh, right, because Liam’s not in love with you and doesn’t want to suck your dick.”

“Louis!”

“What!? It’s true, you stupid.”

“Shut up.”

Thursday ends with Zayn catching Liam staring at him, then blushing madly when he sees that Zayn saw him, but their eyes still locked. But the moment is broken by Perrie tugging at his hand, talking about Jade’s puppy hate or what not. He can see Liam flinching and looking away, his shoulders sagging and Zayn wants to make him smile, make him look at him once again, but it’s too late, Liam is gone.

It’s finally Friday.

Friday.

The day when they have to turn their homeworks and Zayn is pretty nervous.

It’s also the day he will apologize to Liam and tell him he’s in love with him, has been since they were 14 and still trying to discover secrets of universe.

He walks in classroom with Louis and he spots Liam in a second. He can see Liam fidgeting in his seat, his fingers constantly moving, teeth biting those sinful lips.

God, he’s beautiful.

“Move it, Romeo,” Louis shakes him.

They take their seats and Perrie, who is in her seat says, “Ready, Malik? Today is the big, big day.” Zayn can see her smirking and he curses the day he became friends with this people, they’ll tease him forever for this.

“Of course my boy is ready!” Louis says loudly and it makes a few head turn towards them, including Liam’s.

His eyes are sad, Zayn notices.

 -

Liam is sad, heartbroken. There is Zayn, talking and laughing with Perrie again.

Zayn who will never love him the way Liam loves him, Zayn who will hear Liam’s poem today and decide to never speak or look at stupid, stupid Liam.

But Liam decided he will read his poem and once and for all, close the chapter with Zayn’s name as headline. He can’t keep this feelings inside him, he swears they’re slowly killing him with each passing day they’re left unsaid.

So when Mrs Sargent asked who would like to read their homework, he put his hand in the air.

He doesn’t dare to turn towards Zayn, because he will probably lose all the corage he has in the moment, but he can feel Zayn’s gaze burning on him and it makes him nervous, the doubt crawling up his spine.

But Harry said it was beautiful and bitter, he said that Zayn deserves to hear how he made Liam feel, so if he wanted to read it in front of his classmates, he will read it.

“Liam, you can go next,” Mrs Sargent says and Liam nods, his hands shaking and cluching his notebook.

He stands up, a chair making a screeching noise. He looks around and everyone is looking at him because it’s a rare situation-Liam standing up and making people pay attention to him.

He clears his throat and says, “This is a song, or a poem, I don’t know. It’s called There is ths boy and, so, here it goes.” He looks at Zayn once more, at Zayn’s beautiful eyes that are wide open right now, mouth slightly agape and his staring is broken by ‘You go, Payno!’ from Louis and Liam flushes again.

There is this boy I have known since we were kids,

young and naïve, with flowers in our hairs

and comics in our hands.

I still remember the way he slipped with time-

graciously with his back facing my frown

leaving me with the pieces of his laughter

that sometimes echo in my backyard

and

with a knowledge that friends can break your heart.

A few years later and

There is this boy I see every day:

huge eyes, even bigger heart,

with a voice still so soft I could listen to it forever

and ever.

His ribs cradle raging winds behind them,

but there is a tenderness in his smile

His eyelids hide a soul intertwined with blazing fire

and I have been burning ever since his lips touched mine.

There is this boy I greet every day;

with a lump in my throat and my heart at his feet,

we exchange hellos like there’s nothing in between

and I hate how strangers is a definition of us

( or him and me because there is no us, never will be )

And I can feel an I love you after every Hello-

the words are crawling and scratching their way out,

but I don’t let them pass my trembling lips.

There is this boy that’ll never be mine;

I remember the moment right before he left for the second time,

He held the pieces of my stupid heart

and dreams

and made a constellation,

his palms full of galaxies

but now

whispers are flying around how

his fingers are clutching her hand,

and

I guess he finally threw away

the last part of me I had left in his care

I don’t blame him, really.

I guess they were right when they said

there was nothing worth staying for.

But, at least  I have memories ,

a theory that I’m destined to love him in every universe,

in every rain

and every season

And at least I have his old drawings in my drawer and

flowers in my lungs with his name on every petal

as a reminder.

My lungs ache

and ache.

For him or for a breath, you ask?

For me,

it’s all the same.

Chapter Text

Liam can’t believe he did that, he really did that.

Fuck.

Silence is hanging in the air, his hands are shaking and his mind is blank.

And then-

he’s flushing, red rising high on his cheeks, lips raw from biting them too hard

and then-

“Really, Payne, you couldn’t be more pathetic,” someone says and he knows that voice, he’s still learning to ignore Matt and his ugly words, ever since his freshman year actually. There’s a few giggles hidden behind hands and Liam is regretting ever being brave.

Or stupid

or being himself.

It’s very long list of regret, Liam knows.

And really, why did Liam think this was a good idea? It was awful idea, stupid really, because who even cares what Liam has to say? Who cares that his heart is broken, his lungs ache, his eyes beg for acceptance and his fingers yearn?

No one.

“Shut up, Milway, no one cares what you have to say,” Louis’ angry voice brings Liam back and his eyes fly to Louis’ figure, but it’s a mistake because there is Zayn.

Zayn with his mouth hanging open, his eyes impossibly wide and full of confusion. And Liam wants to scream What did you think, Zayn, eh? That I was okay with you leaving, that I was okay with you giving me a dust of yourself then blowing it all away? Like nothing ever happened? That’s what you want, right? but he doesn’t. He just avert his eyes, because Perrie is there-Zayn doesn’t need Liam’s stares, doesn’t need Liam, period.

“What, Tomlinson? Don’t tell me you’re suddenly all buddy-buddy with Payne?” Matt spits out, “What did he do, suck you-”

“Enough, Matthew!” Mrs. Sargent raises her voice, her eyes cold.

“What did you just say, you little shit?!” Louis stands up from his chair, completely ignoring Liam’s Louis, don’t and teacher’s gasp.

And suddenly there’s a blur of movement, Zayn is standing next to Louis, trying to calm him down or join in, Liam doesn’t know and Mrs. Sargent is yelling, but Liam can’t hear a word she’s saying and there is some boy holding Matt who’s still talking-his mouth is moving and Liam is so sick of this, so tired of people-

There is bell announcing end of class and Liam needs to go right now if he wants to avoid everything, so he stumbles to his seat, poem still in his hand, his mind still a mess and God, Zayn. He heard his poem, he must know it’s about him and what now, oh God, oh God, this was a mistake. Big mistake, why did he do that? He just destroyed everything,

“Liam,” sweet voice is calling him and it’s Perrie, trying to shake him from this state. Perrie who gave him flower crown when they were seven, who sometimes smiles at Liam in hallway, who is so good and Liam is an awful person who fell in love with her boy.

He looks at her and then at Zayn who’s having a stare off with Matt, his hands shaking with anger, his whole posture tense.

“Matthew, please, outside. The class ended, I don’t need a fight, you’re not kids anymore,” Mrs. Sargent tries to ease the tension, but Liam can see Louis’ glare like he’s daring Matt to say something else.

This is all because of him.

Stupid.

“Lou, come on,” Liam starts and all attention is on him- Perrie, Mrs. Sargent, Louis, Matt and Zayn’s

God, Zayn. “It’s okay.”

Louis looks at him and God knows what he sees there, but it makes him relax a little, “We’re leaving,” he says and takes Zayn’s arm. Liam’s attention is on Zayn in an instant; his jaw still clenched, his eyes burning, mouth set in a frown. It makes Liam feel funny, how Zayn is trying to defend his honor or something, it’s.. cute.

Louis nods at Liam, but Zayn just passes him, like he’s not there and of course, just because Zayn defended Liam, it doesn’t mean he’s suddenly in love with him, like he’s Liam’s knight in shining armor or his something.

Liam’s eyes burn and he doesn’t know why it hurts; he expected this when he decided he would read his poem, but somehow all the planning didn’t help.

It’s all his fault, he can’t do anything right.

“Liam, you okay?” Perrie is still next to him, her eyes darting between door and him, her hand on his forearm.

“I, uh, yeah, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to..” His eyes dart around the classroom and he doesn’t know when Matt went away, but there’s only him and Perrie.

“Yeah, it’s not your fault, okay? Matt was a dick and he shouldn’t have said those things about you,” She tells him, her voice strong and Liam almost believes her.

Matt called him a slut and what the actual fuck? Liam’s only action was with Zayn, only Zayn- his first kiss, first holding hands, first blowjob, first everything really and he’s called a slut?

“Liam, what’s going on, I’ve been waiting for you for like 15 minutes,” and it’s Niall strolling through the door towards Liam and Perrie. “I saw Christie, she mentioned Zayn and Louis and Matt, and,” he stops right in front of them and he sees Liam’s pale face, Perrie’s hand still holding Liam’s like she’s the only thing keeping him on his feet. “What happened? Are you okay?” His eyes dart to Perrie for explanation when Liam keeps his mouth shut.

“Ah, well, Milway said something he shouldn’t have about Liam, Louis and Zayn didn’t like that very much and.. well..” she trails off, her voice going soft.

“That prick, I’m gonna punch the shit out of him!” Niall fumes, but Perrie’s smirk stops him in his track. “What?”

“You don’t have to worry about that, Zayn took care of it.”

“Oh, really?” He looks at Liam who’s blushing. Good, at least his color was back. “Li,” he begins, but Liam’s voice interrupts him.

“I read it, Ni, I told him how I feel, I told him and Harry said it was beautiful, but it was sad, Ni, so sad. I- I’m sorry, Perrie, so sorry,” Liam is rambling now, his eyes closed because he can’t look at her, he’s awful person.

“Why are you apologizing to me, Liam?” Perrie looks at him like he’s crazy. Liam smiles, but it’s painfully fake and sad, she’s really starting to worry. “Liam, I,” she looks at Niall in confusion, “I really liked your poem and it’s really sad, like you said, but I don’t understand why are you apologizing to me..”

And now Liam looks at her like she’s crazy because she surely knows how he feels about Zayn.

“Don’t pretend, Perrie, please, you know-you know who it’s about,” Liam meets her eyes.

“I, yeah, I know, but I don’t see a reason for you to apologize to me,” she says, her voice strong once again.

Liam opens his mouth to tell her something, anything, but the door opens again and it’s Louis. “Hey, I came to check if you’re okay. Uh, am, Zayn went home,” his voice trails off and Liam-

Liam just smiles and it all crumbles.

“I’m okay, but I would really like to go home now,” Liam’s words are whispered softly.

“Liam.”

“It’s okay, Lou, and thank you for defending me, you could’ve gotten into trouble, mate, I’m sorry,” he shakes Perrie’s arm from his, says a polite thank you to her and goes towards door, knowing Niall will follow shortly behind.

Right after he passes Louis, he hears “He cares, you know he cares, just talk to him,” but it’s not Louis’ voice. It’s Perrie, bold and brave-everything Liam isn’t.

Liam looks at her and he opens his mouth to tell her how can she encourage him to pursue her boyfriend, is she crazy, but door opens once again and it’s Jade entering.

“Babe, what the hell, why are you still here and why aren’t you answering your phone? Hello, Niall, Tomlinson and Payne,” and she goes for a kiss. And Perrie kisses her back.

And.

What.

The.

Fuck.

Liam gasps loudly and how dare she cheat on Zayn.

“What, Payne? You never saw a kiss before?” Jade asks, her head in Perrie’s curls.

“I,uh,wha-aren’t you,” he looks at Perrie who has a soft smile on her face. “Why-when? What?” He stammers out.

“Liam, what’s wrong?”

“What about Zayn?!” He asks loudly and Perrie raises her eyebrow at him.

“What about Zayn?”

“Wha- aren’t you two, what?” It’s silence for two, three, four seconds and then Louis is laughing, his cheeks pushed up.

“Li, oh my God, no, no, Li, Lima Bean, you got it all wrong, Jesus, you thought?” He points his finger at Perrie, “and Zee are together?”

Liam cheeks burn deep red and he casts his eyes down, avoiding everyone’s gaze.

“What!? Oh my God, that’s why you apologized, oh, no, noo. Me and Zayn are not together, Liam,” Perrie nearly screams. And Liam needs to die right now because this is so embarrassing. “This whole situation is a mess, I swear. You and Zayn need to get your shit together and I mean it right this second! Stupid idiots, can’t communicate like normal persons, noo,” she starts to ramble.

Liam looks at Niall who’s nodding his head, then at Louis who’s hiding a smile behind his hand and-

Yes it’s great that Perrie and Zayn aren’t together, but that doesn’t change a fact that Zayn knows how Liam feels and he didn’t say anything, didn’t say it back, didn’t reject it with words-only with his back.

Irony.. again.

So it doesn’t matter.

“I’m, uh, I’m glad about you two,” he interrupts her speech, “really happy for you. I have to go now, I’m sorry, I’ll see you on Monday. Can we go, Ni?” Ladies and gentleman, Liam- a king of avoiding problems.

“Liam! Did you hear the word I said right now?”

“Pezz, come on, leave him alone,” Louis saves him, “We’ll try to get them together next week, yeah? See ya!” And Liam flushes again, leave it to Louis to save him. He takes Liam’s hand and drags him out of classroom, Niall at their heels.

It’s quiet, Liam notices. And it’s weird, Niall and Louis not talking. He glances at Niall first- he’s frowning, probably worried about Liam. Then he glances at Louis and he’s typing on his phone, probably to Harry.

When they get on a parking lot, Louis breaks the silence, “So, Liam, go home, take a nap, relax a little, yeah? And don’t worry. Pezz was right, he cares. Adios, bitches!” Ha waves and leaves them at Niall’s car.

Liam is frozen.

“-am, Liam, mate,” Niall calls him. “Come on, we’re picking up Harry and we’re having a sleepover, yeah? And you can tell us what happened today.”

“Yeah.”

They’re late, Liam thinks.

Liam took a long bath, then he napped and didn’t think about Zayn, no-no. After his nap, he said goodbye to his parents who went to some Liam’s cousins for the night, leaving Liam with an empty house.

There’s a knock on the front door and Liam is surprised, they nearly never knock. In all his hurry, he forgets what he’s wearing- old Batman shirt and ratty sweats and when he opens the door he nearly faints.

There is a bouquet of daffodils in front of him, tied with red ribbon. A hand that is holding the flowers is attached to familiar figure and his eyes trails to man’s face.

Warm, but nervous eyes, lips red from biting too much, hair in mess- he looks perfect.

“I, uh, hi,” Zayn says, but Liam can’t make his mouth to cooperate with his brain, so he just stays silent. “I brought you this,” he pushes bouquet towards Liam and Liams stumbles a little, too surprised. “And I came to talk to you, to apologize and to woo you?” He scratches back of his head and Liam smiles faintly.

“Amm, come in,” Liam murmurs, still not believing this is happening.

What is happening?

Zayn moves past Liam, towards living room and when Liam makes his legs work, he hurries after him. He sees Zayn waiting for him, a nervous smile playing on his lips.

It’s silent for a second and then Liam’s eyes fly over Zayn’s face and their eyes meet and it’s all electricity and raw emotions and Liam’s blushing again because Zayn knows, Liam told him and what happens now?

“I had a whole speech prepared, but now that I have to tell it, I forgot it,” Zayn chuckles and Liam smiles shyly. “I, uh, I wanted to say I’m sorry for everything, for stopping being your friend, for never defending you, for leaving you, for not trying harder, for leading you, for kissing you,” Liam’s eyes widen at that, but Zayn rushes to comfort him, “ No! That came out wrong, I’m sorry for kissing you that night because I wanted it to be special because you deserve everything and I, I’m sorry for the way it ended, just.. sorry..” Liam can see his eyes brimming with tears and he can feel his own eyes burning, but he doesn’t say anything. He knows there’s more to come. “And I’m sorry for all the hurt,” Zayn takes a step towards Liam, “and for not telling you sooner,” and another, “for making you cry,” and now there’s one step that’s separating them “I know we have to talk more about it, about everything, but I need you to know,” he looks into Liam’s eyes, “that I’m sorry and I love you.” He’s not touching Liam, he’s waiting for permission, but he’s so close, Liam can feel his body heat.

Liam takes that remaining step - he’s brave, he’s brave, and he presses his lips against Zayn’s.

“I love you too,” he murmurs against them, “I love you too, I love you, I love you, I love you,” he can feel Zayn smiling and kissing back and Liam is flying high, because finally, Zayn loves him back.

“Liam,” and Liam loves how Zayn says his name, like it’s a prayer, “Liam, I love you, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Liam answers back and it’s like some barrier is broken. He can feel Zayn’s hands everywhere- trailing against his arm, on his neck, his face. He closes his eyes when Zayn bites on his neck; it makes him arch his spine towards Zayn and his head spins. His hands are roaming too, in one moment they’re in Zayn’s hair, in the next they’re rubbing Zayn’s chest. It’s making him crazy.

“You’re so good to me, Liam, too good.” Zayn brushes his lips against Liam’s neck and Liam cries out, his left hand tugging Zayn up by his hair.

“Shut up, shut up,” he props his lips on every inch of Zayn’s face, “You’re too good, Zee, too good. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Zayn whispers into his mouth and then he takes a step back. It makes Liam whine, tugging him back. “Liam, I can’t, babe,” Zayn says quietly, “If we continue like this, I don’t think I can control myself.” Liam hides his face in Zayn’s neck and exhales softly.

Zayn takes Liam’s hands in his and lead them on couch. Liam is half in Zayn’s lap, his left hand over Zayn’s heart with his head tucked under Zayn’s chin.

Liam knows Zayn’s right, they need to talk about everything, they need to resolve the past, but in this moment Liam just wants to enjoy Zayn’s hands around his middle and his kisses.

They exchange kisses, breaths, secrets and beautiful words and Liam swears he never felt this happy.

“Stay,” it’s whispered, gently, bravely.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I mean, mom made all this cookies, but I guess Harry and Niall are not coming and it would be a shame if cookies end up in a dumpster, really,” he can feel Zayn’s laugh under his palm.

“Alright, for the sake of cookies,” Zayn nudges his nose in Liam’s hair. “And, yeah, Horan and Styles are not coming. It was actually their idea to come here and confess my undying love for you. Not that I needed convincing, mind you.” Liam kisses Zayn’s neck in return.

“It’s real, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Zayn says back.

Chapter Text

“-am, Liam, hey, babe?” Someone calls for him, but Liam just buries his head deeper in pillow and tries to shoo away the noise. There are fingers in his hair and a familiar scent in his nose, it makes him relax even more. “Li, come on,” there is that voice again. Sweet and known, a little bit of soft laugh in it and just a spice of smirk, it makes Liam smile. He blinks once, twice and he’s face to face with Zayn’s stomach, his mouth too close to Zayn’s crotch. He jumps in surprise, an embarrassing sound escaping his lips and because life hates Liam, he ends up on the floor. “Liam, are you okay, oh my god, did you hit your head, let me see!”

Zayn is crouching next to him, his hands on Liam’s face examining his head for any injuries. “I’m okay, I’m okay, I, amm, I was just surprised.” Liam blushes prettily and averts his eyes from Zayn’s piercing one.

“I’m sorry I woke you up, I need to use the loo,” Zayn smiles sheepishly and his hands are still on Liam’s cheeks and they’re still on the floor and Liam’s brain is out of function.

“Uh, yeah- I’m sorry I fell asleep on you, I don’t even remember, we were watching a movie and then puff, you’re waking me up. And um, how long did I sleep?” Liam awkwardly moves from the floor to couch, catching Zayn’s arms in his so he could pull Zayn up, too.

“About an hour, maybe more. Sorry again, I really need to pee,” Zayn says and scratches his neck with his right hand while his left is still in Liam’s.

“Uh, yeah, you know where it is, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, I just- uh, I need my other hand?” Zayn’s mouth quirks in half smirk and there is a flame in his eyes. Liam looks at him, then at his hands and oh, there are Liam’s fingers playing with Zayn’s like they have a mind of their own.

Liam lets out a little squeak and releases Zayn’s hand like it burned him. “Sorry, sorry,” he mumbles, his face turned towards floor. Three seconds later, there are feet in his vision and long fingers in his hair tuggin’ his head up. He looks up and Zayn is smiling adoringly at him.

“It’s okay, babe,” Zayn murmurs while hunching down to Liam’s level, “I’ll be back in a jif and then you can hold my hand for as long as you want, yeah?” He kisses Liam’s cheek and then saunters towards bathroom.

Liam flushes, but smiles widely, so that happened.

Zayn and him kissed and kissed and kissed. Just thinking about it makes Liam go all giddy. He throws himself at couch and buries his face in a blanket, a muffed giggle escaping his lips.

He got the boy.

Finally.

After all the longing and yearning, after all the tears and broken smiles and misunderstandings he can hold Zayn’s hand, trace his jaw and sharp cheekbones, kiss his neck and curl around his body like an octopus.

He composes himself before Zayn comes back, he tames his hair, sits normally with his legs under him and blanket over his lap. His mind is racing- he can feel ghosts of Zayn’s touches on his neck, his fingers trailing his arms, his lips touching Liam’s. Zayn is everywhere now: behind his eyelids when he closes his eyes, on his fingertips, on his tongue when he licks his lips, his scent all around him. It makes him smile, all dizzy and careless and so so happy. Fuck.

Zayn flops next to him, his hands already reaching for Liam. He buries his nose in Liam’s curls, so soft to the touch. Liam’s cheeks burn, but there is grin on his face, teeth biting his lower lip to suppress it.

He feels so warm with Zayn behind him, their fingers intertwined. There is some movie on tv, but it all gets blocked when he feels warm breath against his face. There is only Zayn’s lips on Liam’s ear trailing down to Liam’s neck where he starts leaving wet pecks – up and down until Liam moves his head to the right so he can give Zayn more space.

Zayn smirks at that – Liam is so soft against him. He can hear his hard breathing and Zayn knows it’s because he’s trying not to let out soft noises Zayn needs to hear so much. So he bites Liam’s sensitive spot where neck meets shoulder and he’s rewarded with surprised gasp. He licks the forming bruise to soothe the pain a little and he can feel Liam trembling in his arms. He squeezes Liam and tugs him a little closer.

“Zee,” Liam whispers against Zayn’s arm that’s around his shoulder. He leaves a kiss there and flicks his tongue, making Zayn giggle.

“Yeah, babe?” Zayn brings his forehead against Liam’s temple.

“I love when you call me that,” Liam sighs out, pleased when Zayn kisses his cheek.

“Yeah, and what else?”

“I love when you’re playing with my hair, when you kiss me, when you look at me like you think I’m worthy,” Liam gulps when he feels Zayn’s gone rigid against him.

“Liam,” Zayn turns him so Liam’s faced towards Zayn’s beauty. He averts his eyes when he sees anger in them.

“I’m sor-”

“No, don’t apologize,” there’s a kiss on his forehead, “you’re worthy,” kiss on his left cheek, “you’re beautiful,” kiss, “and smart, and pretty, noble,” kiss, kiss, kiss, “and fucking perfect, alright? I’m sorry I made you think you’re not, I’m sorry,” kiss on his eyelids and thumbs on his cheeks, wiping away a few tears he let down.

Liam opens his eyes, a smile breaking out on his face. It’s a broken one, sad and a little crumbled and Zayn wants to kick himself for making Liam feel like this.

“I’m sorry,” Zayn repeats again and kisses him on lips, gently like it’s their first and in back of his mind, Liam remembers their first kiss: soft and little wet and he remembers chuckling after it, both embarrassed but secretly glad they were each other’s first.

“It’s not you, Zee, never you,” Liam sighs out against Zayn’s mouth.

“That day at the party, it shouldn’t have happened like that, rushed and in some stranger’s bedroom,” Zayn lower his voice like he’s telling a secret. “I should’ve worshiped you, kissed ever inch of you until you were breathless and restless and fucking begging for my touch,” he traces Liam’s red cheeks and Liam lets out a little moan like he likes that idea very much, “I’m sorry.”

Liam looks at him, they’re so close he can count Zayn’s eyelashes, “You can still do that,” it slips out before Liam can register the meaning behind those words. Zayn chuckles and Liam hurries up to explain. “I mean, we can, uh, you know, now that we know our feelings, we can try to do it, uff, the right way..” he tries to swallow a lump in his throat, “Only if you want it, though! I mean, I want to think we’re going somewhere with this, you know, like an actual relationship and no-not just people who kiss each other and- I know you.. I know there are a lot of people who like you, but I was hoping we-I..Are we?” His words are a pile of mess and he wants to drop from the face of Earth.

“Liam, hey, I want you. Always, yeah?” Zayn tells him, “And I want everything with you. We can do everything you want, anything you’re comfortable with,” he nudges Liam’s nose with his, “I just want you.”

Liam thinks this Zayn is his favorite; Zayn with his soul out on the open just for Liam, light in his eyes, voice gone into raspy whisper, smile a little bit sad, maybe nostalgic but with a little bit of joy in it. Childhood-Zayn only wiser, smarter, but still kind and beautiful. The boy he fell in love with and the man who loves him back.

“I love you,” Liam says instead of Please don’t break me again, because that’s a conversation for another day.

Zayn just kisses him again and again and Liam kisses back until they’re both breathless and high on each other.

Is that possible? Getting high on someone’s lips? Scent, the way they smile, talk, how they pronounce your name?

Liam is pretty sure it’s possible.

Five minutes later, Liam finds himself in Zayn’s lap, his fingers tracing Zayn like he’s something breakable while Zayn’s fingers are harsh against his body, tugging his curls a little, bringing him closer until there’s no air between them. Liam’s not complaining, he likes feeling Zayn against him, so close and defenseless.

“Liam,” Zayn groans when Liam brings his hips down, “We need to slow down,” a little peck on Liam’s brow, “If we keep this up, it is going to get up, alright,” he lets out a laugh at his own joke.

“Sorry, sorry,” he tries to move, but Zayn’s hands stop him.

“Let’s get to bed,” Zayn pinches Liam’s exposed skin and when Liam lets out a startled sound, he chuckles, “I meant to sleep, babe, you look tired and it’s late.” His fingers are now trailing over Liam’s crimson cheeks and Zayn beams because he did that. He’s the reason Liam is breathless, why his lips are deep red, his neck bruised, why his hair is a mess and why his pants are tented.

“Okay,” Liam says in hushed tone, his fingers against Zayn’s ribs trembling a little. With that Zayn lifts Liam like he weights nothing and starts his way towards Liam’s bedroom. It makes Liam squeak loudly and he throws his arms and legs around Zayn, afraid he will end up on the floor. Again.

“Relax, I got you,” Zayn’s hands are on Liam’s thighs, close to his behind and his lips near Liam’s ear.

Liam just cuddles into Zayn even more, lays his head on Zayn’s shoulder and nibbles Zayn’s neck in thanks. “Liam,” Zayn says and squeezes Liam’s ass in warning. Liam giggles, a sound Zayn remembers very well – it hasn’t changed since they were kids and he’s glad it’s still there, in back of his brain.

It’s a struggle to get up the stairs, but they somehow make it to Liam’s room with Liam still laughing against Zayn’s neck. He can’t help it, he’s so happy, so damn happy. It’s all over his face, in the way he’s clutching Zayn’s hand after he lets him down – he’s vibrant and Zayn can see his own happiness in Liam.

“Come on, here, get changed,” Liam gives him some soft shirt and shorts to sleep in and goes to bathroom to get ready for bed.

He’s alone again.

He told Zayn he’s in love with him.

He loves him back.

Zayn Malik, a bridge burned down so long ago, a hurricane in his life, a fresh breeze on summer day, bright stars when there’s no Moon to light up dark nights, loves him back.

His heart is still beating harshly against his ribs, accelerated by thoughts of forever, Zayn and fate all mixed together. After he brushes teeth and get over mini panic attack, he exits bathroom ready to face Zayn again.

Zayn is already on bed, his head on Liam’s pillow, phone in his hand. The Weeknd is crooing in the back and Liam hums the lyrics to himself all while observing Zayn’s illuminated face.

On his bed.

In his shirt.

Okay.

“I hope you don’t mind I rummaged through your stuff, I uh,” Zayn breaks the stillness of air when he notices Liam standing in the middle of the room. He lets out an embarrassing laugh and scratches his beard, so Liam takes pity on him and finishes his sentece with “you can’t fall asleep when it’s quiet.”

Zayn looks at him for a second and then nods like he’s saying You still know me and Liam answers with little quirk of mouth, I remember everything about you.

“Hop up, I missed you.”

“Sap,” Liam smiles fondly and thanks God it’s dark so Zayn can’t see him blushing again. He gets under covers and turns face to Zayn who’s already looking at him. The bed is bigger than one with single mattress, but still small for two people, so Liam shuffles closer until they’re so close he can feel Zayn’s breathing.

“Lou asked if I got the boy,” Zayn presses his lips against Liam’s forehead and Liam sighs out, content for the first time in such a long time.

“And what did you tell him?” Liam whispers back, a teasing smile breaking on his face.

“I told him the boy is finally mine.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Cool, because I said something similar to Niall and Harry,” Liam caresses Zayn’s jaw and Zayn smiles in return.

“Cool,” Zayn answers and intertwines his legs with Liam’s, fingers already tangled between them. “Liam? Will you write me another poem? But this time with a happy ending.” Liam groans and buries his face in Zayn’s neck. “Come on, babe, for me?”

Liam hums in reply and Zayn translates it like I will try, for you.

“I love you, yeah?” Zayn kisses top of Liam’s head and he feels Liam’s I love you, too whispered against his skin. His eyes flutters, sleep just behind the corner, but a thought of paper full of spilled soul on it, curently burning a back pocket of his jeans, is keeping him awake.

Now is not the time, he thinks and he swears to himself he’ll read them to Liam one day, Soon, he promises.

He’s a few seconds from falling asleep, The Weeknd’s Wake up, I don’t wanna wake up if you ain’t sleeping next to me and Liam’s warmth lulling him into it. The last thing he hears is carved into his skin, his memory and soul with a soft brush of Liam’s mouth “I missed you, too. Fuck, I did.”