Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I was serving Ensign Peters his beverage when I noticed Will and Deanna at the corner of my eye, heading straight for me with an unnerving aura of urgency.

I greeted them as normal, hoping I was only imagining it.

“Hi Will, Deanna, what can I get you?”

The two senior officers exchanged grave glances. A sickening realisation filled my stomach.

“Luna, would you mind coming with us to somewhere more private?” Deanna asked, her expression unchanging.

I didn’t move. I couldn’t. I only had one concern.

“Where’s Jack?”

Turning my attention to Will, I noticed his lowered eyes. I’d never seen him do that before. Terror grew.

My voice wavered of its own accord. “Will? Look at me. Where is he?”

He grudgingly raised his head, and I immediately regretted my directive. Pins and needles danced sporadically on my fingertips when his sullen eyes met mine, telling me everything I didn’t want to know.

I couldn’t believe it. I had to hear it from him. With every second feeling like ten, my patience dwindled.

“Answer me!”

Troi, reacting to the sudden hardness in my voice, interrupted. “Luna please, shall we go-”

“I wasn’t talking to you, Deanna!” I didn’t even give her the courtesy of a glance but I still felt her flinch. The bar had gone deathly silent but noticing that was far from my mind. All I wanted was my cousin’s admission. “Will, fucking answer me! Please!”

He prepared himself with a deep breath. It was evident that he didn’t even want to admit it to himself. “We…we lost him”

My naivety is something I’ll always regret. I had been wrapped up in so much good fortune - being on board the famous USS Enterprise with the love of my life – I thought my life was untouchable by tragedy.

Little did I know that all of my luck was about to be counterbalanced and paid in full by a fateful encounter with the Borg.

Moving on was the hardest and most painful task I have ever undertaken. I was beginning to think the process was impossible due to a multitude of setbacks over the past year, but in light of recent events it appeared to be finally taking place - although not in the way I had hoped.

The only real distraction I had was working in Ten-Forward. Admittedly it was not the most exciting job on the ship, but it passed the time and Guinan made it bearable on its worst days. I remember how much I disliked the bustling atmosphere on my first day at the bar. There were just so many people everywhere it was difficult to hear yourself think, let alone what a patron wanted to order. But it also kept me on friendly terms with the senior officers I’d befriended through my cousin, First Officer William T. Riker, and it turned out to be the best place for me when Jack was taken so unexpectedly. I hadn’t realised how many friends I’d made until what felt like half the ship offered me their condolences, who knew serving drinks would get so many people to like you?

Despite the barrage of sympathy and endless appointments with Counsellor Deanna Troi, my emotional battle was stubborn and unyielding. Knowing that his…body was still walking around somewhere as if alive was a hard thought to digest, but it needn’t have been. The bottom line was that the man I loved no longer resided within it.

This afternoon appeared to be one of the quieter ones in Ten-forward, the customers sat sparsely on separate tables or in groups no bigger than three. The bar had the capacity to fit two hundred, on assorted tables which sat two to ten people. It currently sat no more than thirty. This was the best time to be on a shift, where I had the freedom to choose to be as sociable or reserved as my mood desired. At full capacity, neither was an option which only strengthened my cherishment for the current atmosphere.

As senior officer, Lieutenant Commander Data had thoughtfully taken time out of his busy schedule to chat with me; today was shaping up to be a social one.

Data was one of my best friends; he was so unlike anyone I had ever met before, or since. There was an intense desire within him to learn and adapt to his surroundings regardless of his shortcomings. The only flaw was that it caused him to be in a permanent state of inquisitiveness. This curiosity was so akin to a child’s it sometimes resulted in some inappropriate comments, much to the embarrassment or amusement of others, depending on the situation.

But the one thing that transcended all of his neurosis was the fact that he was, without any exaggeration, the kindest person on the ship. Without him, I would have left this ship a broken shell of a human. I dread to think what I might have done.

He had so many unique and individual qualities he made it so easy to forget what he was at times. If it wasn’t for his icy skin and golden eyes, he could have easily passed for a somewhat sheltered human.

But in reality, Data was an android. And as ridiculous as it sounds, I was falling in love with him.

I should have seen it coming. He, along with Troi, had been the driving force of my recovery. He endeavoured to remain close to me in accordance to Jack’s final wishes. The two of them had formed a strong bond during their time on the Bridge. Almost a year had passed since then but we still spoke frequently, particularly on slower days in Ten-forward such as this.

I could not allow my feelings to flourish further. I had to bury them. Deep. I didn’t need Data to tactlessly inform me that without an emotion chip, it would be difficult, nay, impossible for him to genuinely return my romantic affections.

No matter how human he appeared to me, he was - and forever will be - a machine.

No chip was ever going to remedy that fact.

In spite of these reasons, the thoughts in my head blindly ignored my rationality and instead continued to foolishly romanticise. As a result, and much to my detriment, the effects of these musings were beginning to bubble to the surface in ways impossible to control.

Data was in the middle of explaining how he was experiencing some training difficulties with his cat, Spot, when he suddenly paused mid-sentence. He frowned and tilted his head in enquiry.

“Have I said something to embarrass you, Luna?”

The narrowing of his yellow eyes rudely ejected me from my stupor. I returned his bewilderment.

“What? No, course not Data. Why?”

“You are blushing”

Without even touching my cheeks I knew they were aglow. A tell-tale sign of my feelings stared Data in the face. My body’s glaring reminder that if I wasn’t going to confess to him verbally, it was fully intent on doing the job for me.

A twinge of remorse hit my stomach. Maybe I had wondered how Data’s pale lips would feel pressed up against mine a tad too vividly. I should have known better than to daydream in his presence.

Unwilling to share the true reason for my redness, I had no choice but to feign ignorance.

“I am?”

He nodded. “Typically that physical response denotes embarrassment, or anger, or shyness, or an encounter with someone considered attract-“

“Yes Data, I know what can cause blushing” I cut him off swiftly. It was something I had learnt quickly with my interactions with Data, he had a tendency to get carried away with his explanations. The first few times I felt so rude interrupting him mid ramble out of basic human politeness, but the feeling was ultimately moot since he was physically unable to be hurt by my curtness. Eventually I didn’t think twice.

Sure enough just like all the other times I’d rebuffed him in the past, he awaited my next comment with nothing more than a faint expectant look.

I continued. “All we’ve been talking about is how you can’t get Spot to stop jumping on your console when you’re working. Does that sound like something for me to be embarrassed or ashamed about?”

He took a few moments to consider, then answered. “No, but there has to be a catalyst for your reaction”

I shrugged, hoping Data would drop the issue despite knowing full well he wouldn’t. Correction – he couldn’t. My desire consequently caused me to speak without thinking.

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s gotten a bit hotter in here or something”

I was talking to an android who could observe heat variations in a nanosecond. I cursed my stupidity as soon as my mouth closed.

He answered with absolute certainty “I have not detected any fluctuation in room temperature.” He paused briefly, eyes lighting up as an idea crossed his mind. He continued. “Perhaps you are entering the menopause prematurely. It is unlikely, but not impossible. Have you been experiencing any anomalies in your menstrual cycle recently?’

“Data!” Another wave of redness washed over me, followed by a spell of involuntary giggles. “No! Even if I were, that’s none of your business!”

My outraged tone didn’t transmit to Data as efficiently as my skin colour did. Leaning in slightly, he surveyed me in mild wonder.

“Intriguing…the pigment in your cheeks appears to have intensified”

“Yeah, no kidding. This is embarrassment, Data.” I instinctively avoided his gaze, further illustrating my point inadvertently.

Noticing my unease, his eyes dimmed. “I am sorry. I did not mean to offend you” He gently placed his hand over mine on the table, my heart leapt before I could smother it.

“It’s okay. But just for future reference, never ask about a woman’s menstrual cycle. It’s strictly between her and her alone. You’re lucky you said it to me and not someone else, you might have got a drink to the face!” I squeezed his hand, receiving a vague ghost of a smile in response. Like many times before, I tried not to contemplate whether it was genuine expression or just him attempting to mirror my own. I knew what the answer was.

“I understand”

“It would be the equivalent of me asking about your penis, if you had one.”

Even now I don’t know what possessed me to use that as an example, considering my current level of unease. Anything he would have said following it would only exacerbate my condition.

And indeed it did.

Sensing an apparent discrepancy, Data’s eyebrows furrowed. He paused briefly before answering.

“But I have a penis. I am anatomically correct”

I quickly clenched my jaw to prevent it from dropping.

Another reason for suppressing my attraction was about to be discredited.

“I’m sorry-What?”

“I have a pe-“

I was afraid my face would catch fire if he said it again.

“YES, yes Data, sorry. I understood. It just…surprised me; I’d just assumed you were…”

I faltered, seeking desperately for words. My brain, forgoing context yet again, was currently occupied speculating over how big he was. Apparently, this investigation couldn’t wait until I was off-duty and alone. It was a good thing he was sat behind the bar, I don’t think I’d be able to trust my eyes not to drop in full view of him.

Unaware of my internal struggle, Data waited patiently for me to finish my sentence, showing no signs of discomfort except maybe confusion with the slight incline of his head.

“Blank…down...there.” I eventually blurted out. My eventual choice of words wasn’t as eloquent as I’d hoped, but it wasn’t as if Data had the capacity to be indignant. He certainly wasn’t showing it now, so I didn’t dwell on it. “Why do you think Soong gave you one? It’s not as if you need to do anything that requires having it.”

Data opened his mouth to explain.

Realising what I had inadvertently done, I couldn’t allow him to answer my question.

“Actually, Data stop.”

He slowly closed his mouth again with a quizzical look.

I sighed. “I am a complete hypocrite. I’d just told you how asking about personal…attributes was bad etiquette and here I am asking you about the very one I used as an example. I’m sorry, Data.”

“You do not need to apologise.”

“Yes I do”

“But I am not offended. It is only human nature for you to be curious about my construction. I also consider you a close and trusted friend. Therefore I do not have any reservations in regards to answering your question, or any other questions you may have in the future”

Every word he said was delivered in his usual bland tone, but it still invoked an emotional response from me. I grinned stupidly, my flushed skin now fuelled by stark bashfulness.

“That’s really sweet of you to say, Data. I…” I hesitated before my heart spoke for me. I promptly reworded “… I mean, you mean a lot to me as well”

A weak curl at the sides of his mouth was all he could manage to “emotionally” respond. To me, it spoke volumes.

“I am glad to hear that, Luna. Would you like me to answer your question?”

No matter how benign the subject matter was to Data, I knew I could never be able to bring this conversation up again.( This situation was panning out to be a potential nominee for the ‘most awkward conversation with Data ever’ award. And trust me, there were many contenders!) This would be my only chance to find out. I silently nodded.

“Dr Soong created my positronic net in order to replicate a human brain. It is only logical that my external appearance had to reflect this and function as such…”

Function, eh? My cheeks reignited of their own accord, much to my chagrin. Before my fixated brain ran away, I reminded myself I had plenty of time to ponder this back in my quarters.

“…It is the same reason that I have subroutines for both breathing and blinking; I have no physical requirement to perform either of these processes.”

“I see”

He continued. “I am also programmed in multiple sexual techniques which is another non-essential attribute.”

The flames in my cheeks grew brighter. I quickly shunned the lewd implications which exploded in my head and tried to quell my discomfort with humour despite the ill-equipped audience.

“Okay Data, enough with the dirty talk. You’ve impressed me enough for one day!”

I knew all too well what that frown meant before he’d even said anything. Colloquialisms were lost on Data almost as easily as humour was.

”’Dirty…talk?’ I do not understand.”

I hesitated, not quite knowing how to respond. Normally I wouldn’t have too much trouble explaining slang to Data but the fact this saying was more sexual in nature made me reluctant to define it, why this was, I couldn’t say. As he gazed at me awaiting an answer, it suddenly became apparent to me how much his bright expectant face resembled an innocent child’s. This allusion did nothing to improve matters.

In a rare moment of luck, Will’s voice emanated from Data’s communicator. “Mr Data, please report to the Bridge”

“On my way, Commander. You will have to excuse me, Luna. We shall continue this discussion later”

“Erm, sure. You bet.” As the doors closed behind him, I muttered “Thanks Will” under my breath and collapsed onto my arms on the counter. With any luck, Data would have something more pressing to talk about by the time we spoke again rather than starting where we left off.

With nobody to wait on at the bar, I stared absent-mindedly into space. The large windows on the opposite wall, which opened the room up to the stars, never failed to dazzle me. If it wasn’t for my purpose of serving customers, I wondered if I’d ever take my eyes off it.

My view was eventually disturbed by a passing crew member, taking the effort to place his empty receptacle on the counter in front of me. I muttered a half-hearted thank you and cleared it away. My intention was to return my gaze to the stars, but that was before I noticed Guinan watching me from the other end of the bar.

It appeared that Fuchsia was colour of the day today, her dress and tall oval hat matching perfectly. I had no choice but to interact. Even though we were firm friends since I first boarded the Enterprise, her amused half grin still had a way of making me feel uneasy, as if she knew something that I didn’t, which was so often the case.

“Yes Guinan? Can I help you?”

“No, not really. Your face has answered my question perfectly fine”

I shifted awkwardly. “I don’t know what you’re talking about”      

“I think you do.” She advanced towards me, surveying my false oblivion with total disregard. “I just wanted you to know that I think you two would make a really sweet couple” An all-knowing smile graced her features. She leant on the counter, now directly in front of me.

It didn’t surprise me in the slightest that she knew. I’d been around her long enough to know that Guinan had a knack for deduction. In fact, I’d wager that she figured out my attraction to Data before I even did.

She eagerly continued reading me like an open book, but by the time she’d finished her smile had quelled slightly.

“But you’re not going to tell him, are you?”

Staying quiet clearly wasn’t influencing her. I had no choice but to explain.

“How can I? There’s no point in even trying. He’s physically unable to return my feelings. I’ve had enough heartache for two lifetimes, there’s no way I can risk putting my heart on the line again for guaranteed rejection.” That was all I planned to say on the matter, yet she still retained her glare. With an exasperated sigh I continued. “At the end of the day, it’s only a crush. It will fade just as quickly as it appeared. I’ll be fine.”

Guinan’s eyes narrowed. “Who are you trying to convince of that, Luna? Me or you?”

I didn’t even attempt to answer her question. Far be it from me to insult Guinan’s intelligence.

“It’s for my own sake Guinan. I can’t jeopardise our friendship over this. He’s one of my closest friends.”

“I know he is, but what you have to understand is that you are in a unique position here. What you’re forgetting is that Data’s not like any of the other men aboard this ship. Being without emotions, he can’t feel discomfort or awkwardness. So even if you do tell him how you feel and nothing comes of it, he wouldn’t be able to let that moment interfere with your friendship. Do you see what I mean?”

I stared at her, bemused. Her point seemed so obvious now. With Data being unable to process the emotional magnitude of my confession, what did I really have to lose? If it didn’t work out the only awkwardness I’d have to tackle would be my own, and with Data functioning as if it never occurred, the overall effect would be short-lived. I nodded in response to her question. “Thanks Guinan”

The doors to my quarters swept open with concise efficiency, but I suddenly had no desire to enter. Guinan’s words had followed me every step of the way. I stared sullenly into my quarters; it was laid out exactly the way Jack left it. An irrational part of me wouldn’t allow change. If Jack ever came back to me, I wanted his quarters as he remembered. I knew it was impossible, but it still prevented me nonetheless.

“Computer” I called out “Are any of the holodecks free at the moment?”

“Holodeck 3 is currently available” She responded dutifully.

I walked back towards the turbolift. The doors closed silently behind me.

As adamant as I was, Guinan’s insight still managed to strike a chord. But her words weren’t enough on their own. There was only one opinion that mattered to me even more. And his perspective turned out to be more of a surprise than hers.

“I think you should tell him, Lu” Jack smiled proudly, his hands caressing mine in a familiar, comforting way.

Chapter Text

I froze, thoroughly taken aback by his advice. “Really? You of all people?”

My surprise seemed to only exacerbate his mood. He broke out into laughter.

“Yes, me of all people! You knew how much I loved Data. This will be good for you.”

“If the chances of rejection weren’t so astronomically high”

“You don’t know that for sure, negative Nancy” He countered, never one to let me submit to my confidence demons.

“Neither do you, overly optimistic…Oscar?”

“Maybe not. But I think you two will look sweet together”

“Don’t say that” Hearing those words coming from him made me feel uneasy. I withdrew my hands, placing them back in my lap.

With his hands now empty, his face fell. “Why not?”

“Because I don’t want you to”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to hear it from you”

“Luna,” His tone reflected his lost patience. “Spit it out”

I leapt up from the sofa; I couldn’t bring myself to look at him as I explained myself.

“I don’t want to hear it from anybody! It’s not even true! A one sided relationship would not look sweet, Jack! No matter how strongly I feel about him, he can never love me back. Not in the way that you did, in fact not at all! The whole idea is fucking ridiculous and pointless. I can’t be in a relationship with a person who is incapable of love, especially not after experiencing the love that we had.”

He was facing me in seconds, his hands gripping my sides.

“Okay, you’re not wrong. Data can’t love in his current state, but one day he will. An emotion chip will come his way and he will be ready for it, and for you. He may not love you now, but he cares about you just as intensely in his own..androidian way. Looking at you right here and now, I think Data, and Troi and Will have done a superb job looking after you. Discounting today - and you may not admit this, knowing you - but you’re a lot happier than you were six months ago. And you only have to look at the logs to realise you’re visiting me a lot less often than you did. If you’re beginning to feel this way about Data, you have nothing to lose by telling him. He would never let anything ruin your friendship with him.”

Fighting a losing battle to hold back the tears, I laid my last card on the table.

“But I still love you, Jack.”

For the first time, he visibly faltered. Hesitation crippled his voice and conflict masked his vision briefly. The silence before he finally spoke felt everlasting. Placing my hands in his, he admitted.

“I love you too….But we ended a long time ago.’ His hands broke away from mine. ‘I’ve been…gone for almost a year now and you know as well as I do that I am not really-”            

I desperately placed a hand over the replication of lips I’d kissed a thousand times before.

“Please…don’t say it” I pleaded. I knew the dam would burst if he reminded me what he truly was.

If his unsteady sigh was any indication, Jack seemed close to tears himself. Taking hold of the obstructing hand, he planted apologetic kisses against my fingers. His eyes squeezed shut briefly as if wishing for an alternate reality.

“Luna, sweetheart, you knew this was coming. This arrangement couldn’t last forever. You should have never done what you did. You’ve only made things more difficult for yourself.”

“But I wasn’t ready.”

I knew he was right, but I couldn’t bring myself to admit it. Tricking Deanna was not one of my proudest moments, but at the time it was necessary.

My last memory of Jack was watching him getting ready and leaving for his shift. He never said a word, he thought I was asleep. After he was taken I became obsessed over what he might have said if he knew I was awake. For all I knew I could have had ‘I love you’ as his last words to me or even a kiss, instead of deafening silence. I think it’s safe to say in retrospect that I lost my mind for the first couple of weeks. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t do anything. I just cried. My entire world had died and I had no last words to treasure. In an attempt to ease my mind Deanna created this program, utilising every resource on Jack she could find to make him as close to my Jack as possible. And it worked, perhaps a little too well. Even the room we currently stood in was an exact replica of our quarters. Despite getting the closure I needed, the farewell just wasn’t enough. Troi could hardly expect me to have just one last moment with my soulmate. After all, we were meant to be together, only to be torn apart by cruel remorseless fate. So during my time alone with him I created a duplicate file, to keep Jack how I remembered him for as long as I needed.

It soon became apparent that I needed it to be forever.

“I know, sweet. But Troi set up this up for you to say goodbye, how many goodbyes is this now?”

Hundreds, thousands. I said nothing, focussing on the soft mellow patterns embedded in the carpet.

My silence still validated his point. Jack continued. “Do you think the real Jack would be happy to see you still moping over him after almost a year?”

Again, I could not answer. His referral in third person fed the growing terror invading my cells. The tone of finality evident in his tone. I was hoping this day would never come,

This time he answered for me. “No, he wouldn’t. He’d want you to find someone who could make you as happy as you made him. The mere fact you’re even expressing an interest in someone else is a huge step in the right direction. You’re doing it, Luna. You’re finally moving on. I’m proud of you.”

I looked into his eyes, recognising them and yet not at the same time. A glassy sheen still remained on them from a few minutes prior. The chiselled face that I fell in love with on first glance all those years ago was virtually unchanged. His shock of dark hair I could not pass a day without ruffling at least once. I’d spent so many months, for hours at a time enacting the fantasy that he’d never been taken away from me. Even revealing to myself what really stood before me made my heart contort. “Jack’s” confession ripped my heart straight from my chest.

But my pained look did nothing to deter him.

“Look, I know it means very little coming from…what I really am. But I am the creation of so many factors of Jack. His hologramatic structure, his Starfleet and psychological records, his personal logs, and additional input from yourself, it’s all here in front of you. I am the closest approximation of Jack you are ever going to encounter, and from all the accumulated resources I’m stored with, I can surmise that he would be so incredibly proud of you, Luna.”

A sigh shuddered in my throat. I should have followed Troi’s advice. Keeping a version of him alive on the holodeck was clearly causing more harm to me than good. Almost a year later, the thought of terminating the program indefinitely was still utterly unthinkable to me. It would be like losing Jack all over again.

“As soon as you tell Data, you have to delete me, Luna. As much as your brain is telling you otherwise, you don’t need me anymore. I’ve…” His eyes dropped, hiding the inner struggle taking place. I stood, helplessly transfixed until he was ready to continue. “I’ve been wanting to tell you this for so long now. Watching you delude yourself day after day. I-He wouldn’t want that. I know you’re stronger than this. But I am holding you back. You have to let me go.”

It took every ounce of strength I had to nod.

“Computer, save program”

It was clear that tonight was going to be one of the longest nights of my life, and with the desire to sleep almost non-existent, I feared it might last forever.

I laid across the sofa, staring at nothing in particular, the same position I’d fallen into when I returned from the holodeck hours before. The only difference was that my tears had now dried up; I noticed it with a mild interest, knowing it was only a minor respite before the next wave. I tried distracting myself by listening to various pieces of music, but it was no use. I couldn’t help but berate myself over how foolish I’d been. I couldn’t believe I’d let this go on for as long as it had, when what I was doing was in essence picking open a scab every single time I laid eyes on him. It was absurd. Only a weak mind could invent such a damaging so called “coping mechanism”.

A chime sounded from the terminal on my desk. At 2300 hours, my brow creased, who could be calling at this time? I highly doubted it was Data, he wouldn’t disturb me at this time of night. I would have ignored the call entirely, but with curiosity driving me I crossed the room and identified the caller onscreen.

I raised an eyebrow. What the hell does he want? I thought to myself as I answered. “Commander, to what do I owe this pleasure?”

My feigned formality always brought a bearded smile to my cousin’s

features. “Just a quick courtesy call. I hope I’m not disturbing you?”

I shook my head. “No more than usual”

He sniggered. “Good. How are you?”

“I’m fine, can’t complain. How about you? Which unwitting female did you lure back to your quarters tonight?”

“I don’t kiss and tell.” He grinned slyly “With that in mind, I’ll cut right to the chase: What exactly were you talking to Data about earlier?”

I flinched. I hoped it was subtle enough that Will didn’t notice. If he did, he didn’t mention it. I was not liking where this conversation was heading.

“Hmm? Um, nothing in particular, why?”

You only had to glance at him to see how amusing Will found this, he sighed deeply in a poor attempt to smother his impending laughter.

“He asked me to define ‘Dirty talk’. He said that the subject came up whilst talking to you.”

“Oh for fuck sake, Data!” A familiar feeling of redness returned to its apparently rightful place. I began to question why I didn’t just tell him in the first place. Was it really that much of a big deal?

My expletive appeared to fill my cousin with malevolent glee.

“Anything you’d like to tell me?” He leaned forward, as if I intended to whisper. “You might be interested to know that Captain Picard also overheard the conversation”

The weight of my head all of a sudden became too much for me, it plummeted into my hands. My whines of embarrassment became muffled as a result.

“Please tell me you’re joking!”

“Nope.” If I was still upright, I would have observed his shark grin growing ever wider. Will’s enjoyment of my misery knew no bounds. A trait virtually unchanged from our youth. “Spill it, Lu”

Will’s attempt at interrogation was lost on me. If he thought I was going to tell him anything about my feelings for Data he was sorely mistaken. A surge of humiliated annoyance caused my head to shoot up like a cork from a bottle. “There’s nothing to spill, William! I made a joke and Data being Data didn’t understand and you swept him away before I could explain”

“A likely story.”

“Also a factual story”

“If that’s the case, you won’t mind if I do this.” His face hardened in mock seriousness. “As First Commander of the Enterprise, I order you to confirm if you are…personally involved with Commander Data”

I sat back in my seat, unbelieving that my cousin had stooped to this level. “Really? You’re pulling rank on me? The fact we’re related wouldn’t warrant me to tell you the truth first time round?”

His expression remained. “I don’t know. Obey my order and we’ll find out”

I sighed loudly. “No, Commander Riker, Commander Data and I are not together. Sorry to disappoint you, Sir.”

Somewhat unsatisfied with my answer, his smile returned a touch softer than before. “Very well. I appreciate your honesty. It’s a shame, you’d look sweet together.”

Christ’s sake, why the hell is everyone saying that?! I masked the frustration as best I could, but that didn’t quite extend to my speech.

“Night, Will. Try not to let your dick disappoint your lady friend tonight”

His smile quickly dissolved after that remark. “Hey! I never disappoint! Who’ve you been talking-“

The screen went black with a slam of the button.

Chapter Text

An hour passed on the sofa, then another, and then another. All this time my eyes were closed and yet my conscience remained ever vigilant. The urge to sleep continued to ignore me as if aware of my current circumstances and therefore punishing me. Whether I liked it or not, I had unfinished business, business I would gladly leave unfinished for the rest of my life if a selfish part of me had its way.

But Jack was right, and if I didn’t do this now I was going to talk myself out of it.  I needed back up, and there was only one person I could count on being awake at this time. And thankfully, he also happened to be one of the few I could fully trust.

Not wishing to move unnecessarily, I called out. “Computer, where is Lieutenant Commander Data?”

“Commander Data is in his quarters”

Thought so. I jumped up and pressed the call button on the companel. I casually eyed the replicator alongside it; seriously considering a cold glass of water once I’d ended communication. The endless stream of unfulfilled yawns had dried my throat out something awful.

“Luna to Commander Data”

True to form, he responded immediately.

“Data here. It is 0300 hours, Luna. You are usually asleep by 2300 hours. It is ill-advised to stay awake for extended periods of time.”

An exasperated sigh left my mouth. I knew he was only trying to help but my sleep deprivation still opted to take it as a patronising jab.

“Yes, Data I know, but I can’t sleep.”

“Is there something wrong? I can come by your quarters if that is convenient?”

His immediate offer of counsel instinctively brought a smile to my features.

“Only if you’re not busy Data, I don’t want to disturb you”

“On the contrary. I was merely processing information compiled from my recent away mission to Alranda V. I can resume this at another time. I will be with you momentarily”

Taking a moment to brace myself, I set the first part of my plan in motion.

“Actually Data can you meet me outside Holodeck 3? It’s not something I can really talk about without showing you something”

“Acknowledged”

The distance from my quarters to the holodeck suites were only three floors apart, amounting to around four minutes of travel time provided you knew the route as well as I did. Even with this in mind and the fact that all of the corridors were virtually empty at this time, the journey felt even longer than the very first time I visited. Each footstep appeared to cause time to insidiously decrease. My mind, despite playing an active role in my decision to come here, selfishly engaged its defence mechanism, triggering an onslaught of beloved memories of Jack to force my legs to reconsider and withdraw.

I almost did, until I saw Data at the end of the corridor. Perfectly still and waiting. No turning back now.

Registering my presence, he turned his attention towards me. His expression was as blank as it ever was, neither visibly happy nor sad at my arrival.

In that moment would have done anything to see a genuine smile surface on his features. How I desperately wanted him to take me into his arms and embrace me in an act of sincere affection. I’d always wondered how his face would have looked, his golden eyes fully conscious with emotion, how attractive he would have become with a simple upturn of his lips. But alas, that scenario only existed in my dreams, for now.

“Hey Data”

“What is troubling you, Luna?”

Opening my mouth, I unexpectedly hesitated. As I’d focussed entirely on preventing myself from retreating to my quarters on the way here, it dawned on me that I hadn’t thought out how to explain myself to Data. I couldn’t reveal too much for obvious reasons. I needed a lot more than a couple of seconds to confess that secret - if I even decided to tell him at all.

“I…I have to do something which I was hoping I’d never have to do. I just needed some moral support”

His eyebrows dipped in response to my ambiguity. “Would you be able to specify as to what is upsetting you? I cannot provide sufficient emotional support with such a vague description.”

“I know, which is why I’ve brought you down here” My yearlong secret was about to be unveiled. With a deep breath, I pressed a shaky index finger against the ‘command’ button, stating “Computer, initiate program ‘L Riker 10-5-6-6.’”

“Program initiated. Enter when ready.”

For no more than a few seconds, we both stood still. Data, presumably awaiting my first move, glanced at me.

My irrationality had won the small victory of immobilising my legs. I couldn’t move. Feeling his eyes on me, I was thankfully able to turn my head to meet them.

With the smallest whisper of concern in his voice, he asked.

“Are you ready, Luna?”

I nodded. Gritting my teeth, I forced the threatening tears to the back of my mind. Jack would have wanted me to be strong; I had plenty of time to cry back in my quarters.

Taking my hand, Data and I walked together into Holodeck 3, where Jack already stood to welcome us.

Understanding the circumstances in seconds, his smile shone with a distinct edge of melancholy. Through his ambivalence it was clear he had indeed been waiting for this day for some time. But a part of him had clearly resigned to the possibility it wasn’t going to happen.

A few weeks ago, he would have been absolutely right to do so. But my expression of renewed despondence, along with the accompaniment of Data, hammered home the stark reality of the situation.

I was finally moving on.

Jack’s disbelief rendered him temporarily unable to voice a greeting. He just stood.

Data’s grasp on my hand loosened in incomprehension of the sight before him.

“…Jack?”

Being reunited with his old friend suddenly released him from his mutism, Jack smiled broadly; he walked towards him and shook Data’s unresisting hand.

“Hey Data, how are you, bud?”

“I am…confused.” He turned back to me, his android eyes perfectly reiterating his previous statement just in case I missed it.

Surveying his response, I was almost glad I’d revealed Jack to Data instead of anyone else on the ship. Unlike a human who would have observed the pathetic nature of the situation and criticised or pitied me accordingly, Data could only cut to the crucial questions without any reprimands preceding it.

“Why did you create this program?”

“I didn’t create it, Deanna did, about eleven months ago. You remember how utterly destroyed I was when he disappeared. I couldn’t even function on a basic level. This pro…” Jack’s eyes attracted mine like a magnet. I felt the need to correct myself before continuing. “He was-”

Jack cut in immediately. “You were right the first time. The only way you’re going to get through this, Luna is by calling me what I truly am.”

Surveying the sternness etched on Jack’s face, I understood that now I was here, he wasn’t going to let me back out. Appreciating the safety net, I continued with a new wind of confidence.

“Jack’s…program was created so I could get the closure I needed. Once I had achieved that, Troi was planning to delete it. The only thing was that I realised I didn’t want closure; I just wanted him back. So I got the computer to back up the file whilst Troi was out of earshot”

Data’s face altered in a way that could almost be defined as disappointment, if he’d been able to portray it.

“That could not have been conducive to your emotional recovery”

I shrugged, unhurt by his response. I fully deserved his judgement, after all, it was one born from logic and fact rather than human bias.

“You’re completely right, Data. But that’s the thing – I didn’t want to recover. At the time, as far as I was concerned, my Jack was alive again. I thought my mourning had become obsolete, when all I really did was prolong the inevitable. I can’t believe how long it’s taken me to realise what an idiot I am. No one in their right mind would think of such a stupid self-destructive coping mechanism”

Jack placed a hand on my arm, guiding me to the back sofa. He sat down next to me whilst Data remained standing. Jack’s hand now rested on my knee as he consoled me. “You’re not an idiot, Luna. You only did what you thought was best for you.”

It was as if I’d suddenly opened my eyes for the first time. Months upon months of self-inflicted mental brainwashing was starting to slowly melt away. Data’s presence had anchored me to reality, preventing me from losing myself in the one I’d invented. I could finally speak frankly, without the gravity of my delusions censoring me from the harsh truth. The man before me was not Jack.

“I kept a version of my boyfriend alive to pretend he wasn’t dead instead of doing the sane thing and moving on. Doesn’t get more idiotic than that”

Data interjected. “But Jack’s assimilation occurred a month prior to this event. You were still suffering with feelings of intense grief. You were inconsolable by all who tried to help, including myself and Counsellor Troi. Consequently, any subjectively irrational actions cannot be fully attributed to you due to your condition in that circumstance.”

I couldn’t argue with Data’s reasoning. “Maybe you’re right. But this is almost a year later. You can’t say that was the case for all this time. The bottom line is that I, in a sound mind, kept choosing to postpone deletion again and again all because I was scared of losing him for a second time, despite never even having him again in the first place. I’m a coward.”

“None of the matters anymore, Luna. You’re here.” Jack squeezed my knee, as if to underline his reassurance.

I let his words pass through me using all the mental strength I could muster. It was vital to see him as a simple holodeck character rather than the man I loved; I started by gently removing his hand from my knee. “You need to stop talking before I lose my bottle.”

Noticing Data’s expression as I stood and approached him, I nipped his unspoken query in the bud “It’s a metaphor, Data I’ll explain another time. I..I need you to do something for me”

“What do you need?”

“Could you…if you see me struggling, to say it…could you, intervene? If I don’t delete this now, I’m scared I never will”

He studied the tense, fragile look in my eyes for a moment before nodding.

“Even if I object.” I persisted “I can’t promise I’ll be making the same decision in a few seconds time. Please.”

He nodded again. “I understand”

We stood in front of each other, almost re-enacting the wedding that never was. Jack stared at me, and yet I could not return it. As predicted, my second thoughts were making an unwanted comeback.

In a bid to get my attention, he captured my hands in his. “Luna, look at me”

The fierceness in his manner snatched me out of harm’s way, my full attention was his.

I witnessed as his fear began to transcend through his mask of bravery. He quickly swallowed it away.

 “I will always love you. But it’s time for you to let me go, to be with the person who makes you as happy as you made me. I know he will not reject you.”

My jaw turned to iron, taking every bit of strength I had to open it. And yet, all I could do was feel my bottom lip trembling as my vocal chords shut down.

“Luna, please. Do it for Jack”

Irrationality penetrated common sense, regressing back through months of wilful ignorance. Floods of questions rushed through my mind as I doubted everything. What am I doing? What am I thinking? Why am I doing this? So what if he wasn’t Jack, at least he loved me. How could I be moronic enough to believe that pursuing Data was a viable option? Real or fake, I am still killing the love of my life, except this time with front row seats.

“Computer-” Data said, following my request.

“Data, no!” Who cares if he wasn’t real? I had as close of an approximation as I was ever going to get. And he had the physical capacity to love me.

Data overrode my authority with no trace of uncertainty or remorse in his face or tone, even after I cried out. “Erase program”

The grip which fastened my hands immediately fell away.

I watched in horror as the face of my soulmate began to evaporate before my eyes. The last image of him was his smile, safe in the knowledge that, despite my last second relapse, I had made a decision which the real Jack would have wanted.

I felt like I was drowning - a feeling I hadn’t felt since that fateful day. I sank to the floor, not knowing if I’d ever come back up.

Data was by my side instantly. And for the first time in a very long time, I didn’t want him anywhere near me.

Before he could speak, I asked with a bitten tongue. “Can you wait for me outside please Data? I just need a minute.”

He left without a word.

As soon as the holodeck doors shut, the tears fell as hard as the first time. Jack Nathan Matthews, my sweetheart, my soulmate, was gone forever. My chest ached. I fell forward and rolled onto my side, sobbing openly, freely letting out the pain which had struck my heart once again.

It took me ten minutes to compose myself enough to leave. The doors flew open to Data patiently waiting for me. He stared into my eyes which I presumed were still red-rimmed and watery despite my best efforts. Walking towards me, he wordlessly opened his arms and put them around me, my head resting just under his chin.

I almost pushed him away. The bitter and distraught voice inside of me demanded it, screaming in my ears to enact punishment. But I didn’t. Instead I slowly placed my arms around his waist in reciprocation. With my ear against his lean chest, I heard nothing. I closed my eyes and imagined a heart beating, beating fast in the rush of an embrace. It wasn’t until the tears were rolling down my cheeks and a choked sound erupted from my lips that I realised I was crying once again. Those ten minutes I spent calming myself down became redundant. Data’s hands gripped my back lightly in response.

He spoke softly into my hair.

“I am sorry Luna. I hope I have not upset you.”

His apology sounded so sincere that the anger that had previously possessed me weakened. The shame of how I became a hair’s breadth away from lashing out at him coated my body like hardening wax. He was only doing what I told him. There was no malice in his actions; he was incapable of that, as I knew all too well.

“No, no Data, it’s fine. You followed my instructions perfectly. Thank you.” I said with some effort. Those last two words in particular stuck to my teeth like toffee despite my rationality returning.

“I think you should speak to Counsellor Troi”

My arms fell from him. I shot my head up to meet his eyes in disbelief. Talking to Deanna was the very last thing on my mind.

“What? Why?”

“You are grieving again.”

I swiped at the tears hastily. “I’ll be fine. I can get through this on my own”

“I do not think that is wise. I have heard many times how emotions that are – to use the vernacular - “bottled up” can be detrimental to your wellbeing. Discussing your feelings with the Counsellor could only benefit you”

“I can’t do that, Data”

“Why not?”

“Because then I’d have to tell her about you”

I froze; fear pierced my heart as my awakening brain registered what I’d just said.

Data’s tone revealed his confusion.

“What about me?”

My mouth opened and closed, wanting desperately to speak but having no words to say. Having Data so close to me was not helping so I swiftly backed away. Eventually words found me.

“About…about you…about tonight. I-I’d have to tell her about Jack, about the holodeck program”

Luckily for me, my crudely formed lie went straight over his head.

“That would be advisable. You need to tell her the truth”

There wasn’t a chance in hell that I’d go to Deanna about this. Not that I could say this to Data.

“I’ll think about it.” I muttered begrudgingly, hoping that will be enough for him to let the subject go.

Thankfully on this occasion he did so with a slight nod of his head.

“You should try and get some rest now. I will escort you to your quarters”

With my heart’s burden now ten times heavier than before, I feared sleep was an even slimmer possibility. But I knew if I stayed up longer, I would drive myself insane.          

I was hoping to spend the rest of the journey in silence, but Data soon broke it.

“Would you object if I asked a personal question?”

I cleared the sadness out of my throat ready to speak.

“Of course not, Data. Go ahead.”

“What instigated your decision to terminate the program? You previously mentioned that you were repeatedly delaying its deletion. Why have you suddenly accomplished the task you have been so profoundly afraid of for so long?”

I paused, taking a few seconds to formulate a cryptic answer. There was no way I could tell him how I felt yet. My heart still ached.

 “I realised, I have…feelings for someone else. I’m finally moving on. I wasn’t going to act on it, but Jack made me see that now this connection has been made, I couldn’t hold on to the past any longer.”

He nodded in understanding.

“That was what he was referring to when he told you ‘to be with the person who makes you as happy as you made him’. Now that you have developed romantic feelings for someone else, you are no longer able to justify keeping his avatar active”

I nodded. “If I were to enter into this new relationship, its trust would have been immediately jeopardised by his existence. Not to mention the fact that Jack…he’s…he’s not-”

“He is not the real Jack”

I reluctantly nodded. Realising I was returning to my former state of mind, I stated out loud, half to Data and half to myself.

“I was deluded. The Jack I truly loved is dead. It’s about time I acknowledged it”

“Are you intending to inform the person you are now attracted to?”

Completely blindsided by his question, I paused briefly before answering.

“Maybe, I don’t know, it’s…difficult”

“How so?”

“I have no idea how he would respond. He’s impossible to read”

“Read…? I do not understand”

“Basically, I don’t know if he feels the same way about me. In fact - what am I saying? - I know he doesn’t, he can’t possib-!”

“You cannot know that to a certainty. Would you be averse to telling me who you are referring to? Perhaps I can provide some insight”

I sighed. By this point we were stood outside my quarters, the urge to back away into them without another word was rising rapidly. Maybe walking back alone was the better option after all. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Two words rose up from my kamikaze heart and danced dangerously on my tongue.

It’s you, Data.

I swallowed them and stalled.

“I can’t, Data. It’s someone…close to you”

“Surely that would increase my value to you” 

“No it’s too close.”

“Is it Geordi? I know he is very fond of you”

“What? No, look Data, I’ll tell you some other time. Promise.”

Registering my heightened emotions, he did not press the issue. He simply nodded.

Now I had a question to ask. I’m not sure I wanted the answer, but my heart compelled me to ask it anyway.

“Is it true that…that Captain Picard was assimilated by the Borg?”

“That is correct. It happ-”

The topic was too close to my heart to let him ramble. “If we ever found Jack again…alive…would we be able to revive him like the Captain?”

Data opened his mouth to answer, but then something compelled him to close it. He dropped his eyes, falling silent.

I gaped at him.

Data had never failed to answer a question before.

“Data??”

When his eyes met mine again, an almost troubled expression lingered within them.

“I am afraid I cannot answer that question in this circumstance. I do not wish to distress you further”

And with that, he had already answered me.

My lips began to tremble with the promise of tears.

But then it ceased.

Something unprecedented had just occurred - Data had, somewhat indirectly, expressed an emotion.

It might have been the layers of grief clouding my judgement, but Data’s hesitancy to respond to my question raised another in my head.

Was he scared of upsetting me?

After seeing his reaction to my blatant anguish outside of the holodeck, it would be logical to ascertain that Data might be tentative to do or say anything that could incur the same reaction from me again. Could that be construed as fear?

Did his positronic net have the capability to create subconscious emotions without Data being fully aware?

I had no way of knowing. For all I knew this could be the product of my desire for him. His emotions or lack thereof, was the sole obstacle that made the notion of confessing my attraction to him, if you excuse the irony, utterly laughable.

“I…I understand. I had a feeling that would be the case. I suppose I should try and sleep”

“Would you like me to stay with you until I report to the Bridge at 0700 hours? Perhaps having someone in close proximity would be comforting”

I closed my eyes, trying to wipe his last question from memory to avoid blushing. Needless to say, it didn’t work. Oh sweet, loveable yet oblivious Data, I thought, if only you knew what effect you had on me. I was a hair’s breadth away from accepting, but I knew I would be foolish enough to say something I’d later regret with little provocation.

And with the recent destruction of holo-Jack under his belt, disappearing under my covers alone was all I wanted to do.

Finally ready to answer, I smiled at him grimly.

“I think this is a battle I’ll have to fight on my own.”

Appreciating his touching, yet naïve offer of support, I wrapped my arms around his neck. The cool skin of his cheek grazed mine, and with only one fleeting second of hesitation, I pressed my lips against it gingerly. The grip he had on my waist slackened slightly as I did so.

I swore I saw the smallest sparkle of surprise in his eyes when the embrace ended. Or maybe my mind had just wished it there.

“Goodnight Data”

Chapter Text

I couldn’t tell you if I slept or not. The remaining few hours of night seemed to last forever. Jack’s face fading into nothingness was engraved on my mind. I imagined it would be for a while.

At least in those few hours of stasis I was able to make a well thought out decision on a few things.

 “Luna, it is Lieutenant Commander Data. May I come in please?”

Maybe if I didn’t say anything, he’ll go away. I was silent and still, curled into a tight enough ball on the bed to almost disappear completely. If only. My line of vision was locked on the empty side where he used to sleep. I couldn’t recall how long I’d been in this position, and I didn’t care to. Time didn’t matter anymore. Nothing did.

My eyes may have been enjoying a brief respite from the tears, but my heart continually wept, irreparably and deafeningly loud.

 “…Luna?”

With his second call it occurred to me that, as an android, Data simply wouldn’t have the capability to “run out of patience” like mine just had. He would stand there all day if he needed to, keeping me effectively prisoner. I had no choice, the only way to get rid of the metallic intruder was to answer.

Sighing irritably, I used my voice for the first time in days, correcting its initial gravelly grunt with a swift cough.

“No offence, Data. But I’d rather be alone”

“I am afraid I am under orders to enquire about your wellbeing.”

“That’s too bad”

“Would you prefer to speak to Counsellor Troi?”

That did it. I already had a compulsory appointment locked in for tomorrow, even then was too soon for me. I just wanted to be left alone.

“No! Ugh, okay Fine. If you must come in, come in”

The doors swept open, the android walked through and stopped as he waited for me to emerge from the bedroom. Being in a stationary position for so long had made every limb scream in pain as it was put in motion for the first time in hours.

Data watched as I tottered on neglected legs to meet him. He was void of an expression as if his face was made of the smoothest golden marble. His combed back brunette hair appeared to transition from brown to black with a simple incline of his head.

Dr Soong had put so much effort into making Data look aesthetically human, even down to modelling his facial structure on himself (if the pictures of a young Soong was anything to go by). But Data may as well have been a tin can on legs for all his lack of emotions was doing for him. I wondered why Soong even bothered making Data in human form in the first place when he was so clearly missing a critical part of humanity.

Of course I would later rescind all of these thoughts, but at the time, I couldn’t help but find Data’s existence entirely pointless.

And I also couldn’t help the annoyance building inside of me from his unwarranted interference.

I really just wanted to be left alone. The only person who could rescue me was effectively dead. I was beyond saving.

 I extended my arms like I’d just performed a magic trick.

“See? I’m absolutely fine. Can you leave now?” Believing that would be enough for him, I retired to the bathroom. I needed to water down the anger rising into my cheeks before resuming to my previous state.

“Are you sure you do not wish to speak to the counsellor?”

I froze when his voice indicated he hadn’t left. With an exasperated sigh, I looked back at him.

“No. I am utterly sick of the sight of her, if you want to know the truth. Doesn’t Will need you back on the Bridge?” I returned my gaze to the bathroom mirror.

Oblivious to both my verbal and physical hints, Data continued prying.

“Is there anything I can do? If you need someone to speak to someone other than Counsellor Troi, I am happy to help”

I almost shouted, but a notion stalled me: An android psychiatrist. That statement alone was enough to make me chuckle.

The noise was audible enough for Data to comment.

“You find this amusing?”

I turned back to him, for what I hoped was the final time. A spiteful little smile twisted my lips.

“Of course I do. You could never help me, Data. You worthless robot. Just go back to the Bridge where you belong and leave me the hell alone. Tell Will he can shove that order up his ass. I can take care of myself.”

Like water off a duck’s back, Data remained stoic.

“But I did not receive the order from him”

His unscathed manner did nothing but infuriate me further. My smile twisted into a snarl.

 “Who then?” I demanded advancing towards him, his face still unchanging despite my heightened fury. “Whoever they are, they should mind their own damn business”

“It was Jack.”

I visibly jolted, stopping in my tracks as Data uttered the name engraved on my heart.

Data opened his mouth, but it wasn’t him who spoke.

I almost screamed as I heard the voice I thought I’d never hear again through the android.

“If anything ever happens to me, Data. Please can you look after Luna? Make sure she’s okay” Reverting back to his own voice, Data continued. “This request was his last words to me before he was assimilated by the Borg. He wanted me to ensure your welfare was protected.”

I stared at him in astonishment for what felt like a century. The tears which swelled in my widened eyes descended from my cheeks unnoticed.

As I processed his words, the fire inside me returned stronger than ever.

“How could you possibly protect my welfare when you so egregiously failed to protect his, Data? You’ve had encounters with the Borg before. You knew how dangerous they are, and yet you still let Jack get assimilated. They should have taken you instead”

“I did everything I c-“

“Get out, Data. Please don’t visit me again”

Chapter Text

As soon as I saw Troi’s beaming face, I knew I was going to regret this.

“Good morning, Luna. Come on in”

I could have easily made my excuses and ran then and there. I wanted to so badly. But when morning finally broke I came to the realisation that Data was right. A near eternity lying in bed was almost enough to break me.

It almost felt like fate that her morning appointment had abruptly cancelled the night before.

I tried to take some comfort in the fact that at least Troi would be sworn to secrecy, but her close relationship with Will made me uneasy nonetheless. His half-right speculation yesterday was worrying enough.

Deanna’s office was as neat and ordered as she was. Not that I took the time to notice this, instead making a beeline for the seat opposite hers. I was already well acquainted with this room. This fact compounded my discomfort and unearthed many unpleasant memories I never wanted to revisit.

“Would you like a drink?”

I shook my head. I had no intention of making this a social visit.

She flashed me a warm smile before making her way to the nearby replicator.

“Lemon tea”

Too early for hot chocolate, even for Deanna Troi. The machine dutifully responded to her request. Retrieving her beverage, she practically glided to her seat. Her contented demeanour had no influence on my own. I pre-emptively squirmed in my seat.

“So, you’ve been having trouble sleeping?”

I nodded.

“Would you like to talk about what’s been keeping you awake?”

I sighed deeply. I was in too deep to back out now. I had to watch my words - her Betazoid mind could cut through deception like butter.

But then I suddenly had a thought – What did I really have to worry about? She couldn’t reprimand me for long when she knew I’d deleted the program of my own accord.

And I was in dire need of advice on how to extinguish my attraction to Data. I was filled with regret after turning down his offer within the first hour. I spent the rest of the night lying in an empty bed, fruitlessly imagining sleeping with my head resting on Data’s bare chest with his arms tight around me.

And now I was in the knowledge that he was equipped with a certain appendage, the quaint scenario quickly descended into an unexplored avenue of which I cannot (or should not) put into words.

I doubted Troi would condone pursuing him, considering his limitations and my needs.

I was all too aware of this too. And yet my feelings for him still multiplied like a savage virus. I couldn’t carry on like this.

So I told her.

I told her everything.

As I predicted, her disappointment due to my white lie was short lived when I told her what I did last night. I ultimately left Data out of my holodeck retelling. I already had enough to say about him.

Then came the question I was waiting for. “What caused you to delete the program?”

My nerves spiked as I prepared to confess. “I’m in love with someone else”

Her smile broadened. “Data...”

I nodded, my vision falling to her feet. With no further hesitation or reservation, I laid the contents of my heart before her.

“It’s a completely lost cause, I know that. I know I wouldn’t be able to cope with his lack of emotions. But I still can’t stop thinking about him, Deanna. We’ve grown so close since Jack was taken away. He is the reason I’m still on the Enterprise. I didn’t think I could cope, but he helped me. And now I keep fantasising about a relationship with him that can never happen.

“He is so kind, and sweet, and everything I could ever want in a man, but he will never love me, he…cannot. It doesn’t matter how much love I could give him in return. The bottom line is that I do not matter to him, not even slightly. It’s like a knife through my heart every time I think about it” I closed my eyes as an internal struggle occurred to keep my tears at bay. “I can’t live like this anymore. I need to do something”

I can’t begin to describe the feeling which came over me when I’d finished. I felt almost three stone lighter. But in doing so, I also came to terms with the real gravity of the situation. I wiped a tear away before it could fall.

Deanna promptly took over; her counsellor skills worked their magic. “Unrequited love is something we all endure at some point in our lives, Luna. In regards to Data, he does, on some unknown level, care a great deal about you. It’s very evident by how he goes out of his way to keep you company and how he talks about you. I think it now goes beyond the obligation he felt from his friendship with Jack, to the extent that I’ve admittedly heard the odd speculation surrounding your relationship with him around the ship. But, as you’ve said, he cannot feel emotions or any real romantic connection. And yet in spite of this, he can seem very human, it’s easy to forget he is an android. But that is what he is, Luna. No amount of deliberation will alter that.”

My cheeks felt hot and wet. It appeared I’d lost my battle whilst Troi talked to me down to reality. I wiped away my tears with a hard sniff.

“I asked him a question yesterday. I asked him if we could cure Jack if we ever found him. And…he went quiet. For the first time ever, he refused to respond, because he knew the answer would only cause me pain. It was almost like he was…afraid of upsetting me. For those few seconds, he had never appeared more human to me. I could have confessed my feelings to him then and there.”

“Do you regret not telling him?”

I paused in thought. “Yes. I wanted to tell him after I deleted Jack’s program. I promised Jack I would, but I wasn’t prepared for how much the deletion affected me”

“Do you remember when you realised you were falling for Data?”

That question was a bit more difficult. Our friendship developed rapidly following Jack’s disappearance, it’s evolution into romantic feelings were a lot harder to pinpoint.

But the first memory to flash in front of my eyes when she said it…

…it was an hour after Data left.

The sheer intensity of the emotions surrounding this memory made it difficult for me to remember what I was doing before I found it.

A red clamshell box with the most exquisite ruby I’d ever seen.

An engagement ring.

Jack was going to ask me to marry him.

I felt my heart stop, then start, then stop. My breaths were becoming harder and harder to take, as if my foot had been anchored underwater. My hands felt numb, the sensation spread through to my arms like wildfire.

I didn’t fight it.

I didn’t want to.

Gravity pulled me to the floor and bolted me down.

I passed out. I think. The last thing I remember was staring wordlessly at the unrequited ring in my hand.

Until I heard a familiar chirp.

“Medical team to Luna Riker’s quarters immediately. Luna? It is Data, can you hear me?”

I felt contact on my arms penetrating the force field of pins and needles on my skin, they prickled under his touch as he lifted me gingerly like a china doll. It wasn’t until his grip tensed that I realised I was shaking uncontrollably.

“Please look at me, Luna”

With Data holding me, I was able to concentrate all of my strength to moving my head. My wild eyes fell into his placid golden ones, and at once my heart softened.

“You are having a panic attack.” He informed me “It is recommended for you to breathe deeply in order to increase the production and circulation of oxygen” Pausing briefly, he then added “You are going to be okay”

I struggled to take Data’s words in, my hearing faded in and out like a child playing with the volume dial as it attempted to bring itself out of unconsciousness. I instead tried to speak. In my distressed stupor, I believed this to be the perfect time to apologise for my harsh words earlier. Still present in his clinical embrace, my free hand reached out gripping his upper forearm. His vision shifted and briefly took note of the new point of contact before returning to me.

“D-Dah-Data I-I’m-“

In a rare moment of polarity, Data cut me off. “Please do not attempt to talk until your breathing is under normal parameters, Luna. It is imperative that you take deep breaths or your condition will worsen”

I still wasn’t able to understand him entirely, but I got the gist. I tried to breathe.

Seconds later, a small group of people in turquoise uniforms surrounded me. The medical team had arrived. The only person I recognised was Beverly, her red hair brushed my face as she examined me. From seemingly nowhere she produced a hypospray and pressed it against my neck. I felt the effects almost immediately.

First my breathing slowed, then my heart, and finally the drapes came down.

Data’s eyes never left mine as the darkness descended.

Back in Troi’s office I was stunned into silence. I had never truly comprehended where the origins of my feelings materialised. Knowing that it was only a mere few days after Jack was taken startled me into speechlessness.

My quiet demeanour could have continued over minutes, maybe even hours, if Troi hadn’t intercepted.

‘Luna’

Deep in reflection, I poorly suppressed a flinch as I was forced back into the room. Without thought I answered “I-I’m not sure. I can’t remember anything specific. It just happened”

“Have you considered the possibility of transference?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, perhaps instead of coming to terms with Jack’s assimilation you have transferred your feelings for him onto Data.”

I stared, that notion had never occurred to me. But the more I thought about it, the more plausible it became. Particularly now I was aware of how rapidly my attachment formed. 

“Or it could be a subconscious attraction.” She continued “Data’s lifespan, as far as we know, is unlimited. You could be attracted by the fact Data can’t die. He cannot be taken away from you as easily as Jack was. That’s why despite the fact you’re fully aware of the reasons it would not work, you still desire to be with him.”

In my misplaced resentment of Troi, I had forgotten how skilled she was at her craft.

An uncomfortable feeling pooled at the pit of my stomach. I thought back to the initial sessions I had with Deanna many months ago, when I was completely inconsolable and by extension, extremely uncooperative.

I identified the feeling as guilt.

I was horrible to her. She’d ask me question after question and she would have been lucky to get a one word answer out of me. As soon as Will told me what had happened, my mind, never once considering the possibility of Jack dying on duty, shut down. Having no notion of what to do in the situation I was currently in, and the rising flood of grief drowning me entirely, I made the decision I was not worth helping. The only reason I spoke to Data was because Jack had wanted him to take care of me. I couldn’t bring myself to disobey his final request.

One session on a particularly bad day, I only said around four words in the space of an hour. It was the defining moment that gave Troi the idea to implement the holodeck for my rehabilitation.

The words were I never said goodbye.

It dawned on me that if I had opened up just a little bit months earlier and actually listened to her advice; I could have been in a psychologically healthier state now, instead of reeling from the “death” of my virtual boyfriend and lovesick due to an artificial lifeform who can never reciprocate.

My life was a self-induced mess. The guilt inside me continued to permeate my body.

“I…I’d never thought of it that way. I guess it could be either of those things, or even both.”

“Your only recourse is to find something else to take your mind off him. If he is affecting you that much, maybe even stay away from Data for a while, or at least reduce the amount of times you see him. Just so you can get your emotions in order.”

“I was afraid you’d say that”

“But you’re completely right, Luna. Going from a passionate relationship into one so permanently unbalanced, it would not work. And the only person who stands to get hurt is you. Be careful.”