Archive of Our Own ^beta

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TJ had become accustomed to going to the park every day after school for over a month now. He felt at home on the swings. At first, parents of younger kids side eyed him, but now he was almost just part of the park. He wouldn’t bother anyone, he’d just swing (maybe cry a little too, but he’d never admit that.)

Cyrus was sometimes there too. They’d never talk, just swing in companionable silence. He felt it was better that way. If he ever did start talking about his “stuff,” he wasn’t sure he could stop. No one knew that he was a foster kid or that he had never really been placed with a family who truly cared about his well being. Which, explained why he had never learned about his dyscalculia till Buffy decided to try and play hero.

He rolled his eyes. It was hard enough keeping up appearances when he was the star of the basketball team, but now there was someone on the team, a girl, no less, who was good at basketball, really good, and a faster runner and the smartest person in school. Not the smartest girl, but the smartest person. And he just felt helpless. As if she had taken away the one thing from him that he could be proud of.

Speak of the devil, he thought. Buffy and Cyrus were walking around the perimeter of the park. Cyrus was crying it looked like, though they were kind of far away, so he couldn’t really tell.

His heart started pounding. Cyrus couldn’t cry. Cyrus wasn’t allowed to cry. Cyrus was his rock. He jumped off the swings and started running towards Cyrus and Buffy, but when he heard them talking, he stopped. He stood behind a tree and just listened.

“Cyrus, Cyrus, look at me.” He heard Buffy say sternly. He assumed Cyrus looked up cause Buffy kept talking. “It’s going to be okay. first loves are always complicated.” Cyrus laughed. “Says the girl who didn’t even know Marty had a crush on her.” Buffy continued “Whatever, I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. Truthfully, I’m not ready for a relationship, but, back to you,” Buffy said, quickly changing the subject, “Jonah is oblivious, more oblivious than I am about this kind of stuff.”

There was a pause. TJ stood there stunned wracking his brain for something Cyrus might have told him to explain this conversation. What could Jonah possibly have to do with Cyrus and first loves? Cyrus spoke again.

“I really like him, Buffy. And it’s so freaking painful being around someone who doesn’t even notice you have a crush on them. I don’t even know how he’d react if he did know. It’s not like thoughts on gay rights or anything has ever come up…”

TJ stared wide-eyed. Did he hear what he thought he heard? His heart was pounding and his stomach was doing flips and he had to remind himself to breathe. Cyrus. Cyrus Goodman was gay. The boy he called Chocolate Chocolate Chip Muffin, the boy he’d been swinging with, the boy who was slowly teaching him to love himself, that boy.

TJ had never really thought about it before. Okay, that was a lie. He’d thought about it a lot. He’d thought about how strange it was that Cyrus just went along with a boy calling him Muffin. He thought about how his whole body tingled when he pushed Cyrus on the swings. He thought about how Cyrus had invited him to his bar mitzvah and how he had almost mistaken it for being asked out on a date, for a split second (he would have said yes to that too).

He’d never exactly been closeted. TJ had known he liked boys since preschool. He had bounced around a lot from school to school and he never really stayed anywhere long enough to make friends with anyone not on the sports teams. And, those friendships were shallow, they only ever talked about sports. But he was put into a group home at the start of 6th grade, and he was finally somewhere long enough that he had a chance to make friends. The kids at the home were cool, and most hadn’t grown up with a solid family either. When they talked about celebrity crushes, he had just said Gus Kenworthy, his favorite skier. All any of the boys had responded was “Oh, cool, you like skiing???” And that was the end of that.

Though he wasn’t closeted, he didn’t publicize it either, though his friends were very aware of his crush on Cyrus and said “hey Cyrus” at the worst moments to the air just to make TJ jump.

So Cyrus was gay, like him, maybe he did have a shot after all.

TJ was so caught up in this thoughts that he didn’t hear or see that Buffy and Cyrus were now standing in front of him.

“Ahem!” Buffy said glaring. “Did you really just eavesdrop on our entire conversation?” He could tell she was livid. “C’mon Cyrus.” Cyrus walked away with her sadly. “I thought we were friends!” he called back. TJ bit his lip. Buffy being angry he could deal with, she was always angry with him anyways. But Cyrus, Cyrus wasn’t angry, he was disappointed, and hurt, and TJ couldn’t handle that.

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TJ ran after them, catching up easily. “Wait, Cyrus.” He shouted. Upon hearing his name, Cyrus starting running. He didn’t want to deal with TJ. He was sure that would be the end of their friendship. The captain of the basketball team surely wouldn’t want to still be friends with him knowing he was gay. It was overwhelming as it is that he didn’t completely ignore Cyrus when he called him over in front of school the first time.

It happened every day after that. TJ would be talking with his friends and Cyrus would call him over. Even now, Cyrus still called him “Not So Scary Basketball Guy.” However, “Underdog” had become “Muffin” really fast. Cyrus didn’t even think it was weird that a boy was calling him “Muffin” granted, he was so focused on Jonah and his oblivious nature that he completely missed the person who was actually flirting with him.

TJ was in front of Cyrus and Buffy now, facing them. “Cyrus, can I talk to you?” Cyrus sighed, defeated. He saw the look on TJ’s face. It didn’t look like he was going to make fun of Cyrus for what just happened. TJ turned to Buffy “Do you mind?” He said, his voice dripping with contempt.

Cyrus shook his head. He loved Buffy, and TJ was starting to become a really good friend, but he couldn’t deal with his malice, not after this. TJ seemed to get the message instantly, cause he changed his tone. “I mean…” He sounded so unsure of himself. He’d never seen TJ like this before. “Can you leave us alone? I promise I won’t hurt him or anything. I just…please?” TJ looked like a puppy dog who had just been kicked. Cyrus was taken aback and a bit frightened. What could possibly happen that TJ was so nervous? He nodded to Buffy, “it’s okay. I’ll be fine, I promise.” Buffy glared at TJ, “If you hurt him…” TJ looked up, not changing his expression. “I know. I’d never hurt him. I couldn’t. Please believe me, Buffy.”

Cyrus took a step back. He was scared now. “Where is my TJ and what have you done with him?” Cyrus didn’t mean to sound so possessive, but he was scared. Tigers don’t change their stripes overnight, if at all.

At that, Buffy walked away. She had no idea what was going on, but if Cyrus was saying “my” to someone, they must be pretty damn important to him.

TJ looked up. Cyrus could see his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed thickly. He followed TJ to a tree, and they sat down.

TJ sat down in front of him, instead of against the tree. “I’m sorry for eavesdropping. I didn’t mean to. I just thought you were crying and instantly felt the need to comfort you, and then I couldn’t move” or breathe, but the didn’t say that part aloud. “I didn’t mean to overhear, but I’m glad I did.”

Cyrus started fidgeting. He was really uncomfortable with this entire situation. He didn’t like that TJ had seen him cry. It’s not that he hadn’t cried in front of TJ before. But that was on the swings, and that was…different, somehow. Almost like an unspoken secret world, they both lived in for a few hours a week. It wasn’t real. This, this was real. Cyrus paused his thought, finally registering the last sentence.

“You’re glad you did.” It wasn’t a question. It was more Cyrus mulling the words over, seeing how they felt in his mouth and his brain. Trying to understand what on earth was happening.

TJ continued. “I’m glad I did. Because…I am too. Gay, I mean.”

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Cyrus looked at TJ quizzically. “What? I’m not..” TJ grabbed both of Cyrus’ hands. “I heard you, with Buffy. please don’t lie. It’s not something to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. It’s just who you are. It’s not even okay, it just…is.”

Cyrus stared at him mouth agape.

“What? Just because I’m not good at math doesn’t mean I’m not good at people.” TJ said flashing one of his signature smirks.

Cyrus composed himself and took his hands back from TJ’s grasp. He thought he saw TJ frown a bit at the loss of contact, but he chalked it up to emotions running high.

“I’m not ashamed. I’ve just…I’ve never said the word aloud. Actually, I’ve never even come out, not really. Buffy figured out that I liked Jonah without me saying a word. I mean, I made sounds in my blubbering mess, but I’ve never actually said, you know, it”

Cyrus played with his hands as he spoke, trying to look anywhere but at TJ.

TJ sighed. It had been so easy for him. He kind of forgot how big a deal it was for most boys. He softened his expression and tried again.

“Cyrus, it gets easier the more you say it. Would you try? It might make it less scary. For me?”

And at that Cyrus melted. He didn’t really know what had happened, but he felt lighter. He gave TJ a small smile and took a deep breath. He felt tears prick his eyes as he looked down.

“Don’t be mad. I’m not ready yet.” And that was enough for him to totally break down.

Cyrus rarely acknowledged how bad he truly felt. How helpless the world seemed. And the worst part was, he didn’t even know why. He didn’t know why he felt such despair and pain. He didn’t know why he felt like his world was falling apart, he just did.

And, with four parents as shrinks, he knew that it was depression. He had been diagnosed with clinical depression at only 10 years old, but every time he thought about it, he just felt stupid. He always though about how pathetic a child has to be that at 10 they already feel their life is over.

As soon as Cyrus started crying, TJ felt himself start to break down too. But he wasn’t going to cry. Cyrus needed him. Needed for him to be strong. Plus, anyone could walk by. He wouldn’t be able to intimidate anyone if they saw him cry. So he wiped his face with his sleeve and sniffled a bit before jumping into action.

TJ scooted himself so he was against the tree next to Cyrus. He gingerly put his arm around Cyrus. He wanted to be careful to not move too much. He knew this, he’d been there, and whenever anyone tried to do too much to fast, he’d go into panic attack mode. He wanted Cyrus to feel safe, not start hyperventilating.

At first, Cyrus resisted. He felt weak and small, but as TJ soothingly rubbed his thumb over Cyrus’ shoulder, he relaxed. TJ slowly moved Cyrus so that his head was on TJ’s chest as TJ gently stroked his back.

They were both quiet for a few minutes, Cyrus letting out choked sobs every so often. TJ was trying to wrack his brain for something, anything he knew about Cyrus that might get him to stop crying. And he realized, as much as he had fallen for the boy, and swung with him a few times a week, they hadn’t really had a conversation. He didn’t know a lot about Cyrus besides the blatant fact that Cyrus was just as in pain as him, if not more-so. Well, and now he knew Cyrus was gay.

He smirked to himself. One of the only things he knew was that song Cyrus sometimes sang. So TJ started singing it quietly “Legs go up, Legs go down, that’s how we make the swing go round, drag your feet, you go slow, the more you drag, the less you go”

He chuckled a bit to himself about the absurdity of the entire situation. Slowly the choked sobs became few and far between. Cyrus didn’t move, though. Instead, he found TJ’s free hand and interlaced their fingers.

It wasn’t romantic, or maybe it was, he really didn’t know. He hadn’t gotten close to this with Jonah, and Iris didn’t count. But he did know one thing. It felt good, safe. He felt safe and protected in TJ’s arms. He wasn’t sure he’d ever felt like that before.

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They stayed like that for over an hour. It took a while for Cyrus’ breathing to return to normal, but even once it did, he didn’t move. TJ smiled. He was doing everything in his power not to make this romantic. He now knew Cyrus had feelings for Jonah, and while he was pretty certain that wouldn’t work out, he knew he needed to let Cyrus come to that conclusion in his own time.

Regardless, he did test the waters a bit, which, to be fair, were part of the reason Cyrus calmed down at all.

He ran his fingers through Cyrus’ hair over and over again and kissed the top of his head a few times as well. Whether it was romantic or not, it certainly was intimate and cathartic for both boys.

Cyrus started to move just as it was getting dark. He sat up and moved away a bit. TJ frowned, and this time Cyrus understood why. TJ’s feelings were unspoken at this point, but Cyrus got the message.

“Thank you,” he said. “I’m sorry you had to see that, but I’m not sure I could have gotten through it without you.” Cyrus took a deep breath gearing himself up to reveal on of his “stuff.” “I…this happens a lot. A lot more than I’d care to admit. I…um…I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I mean, I do. But I’m young and I have a pretty good life, so I can’t begin to understand why.” He looked down in shame. “I’m sorry I just cried all over your shirt. It’s now stained with tears and snot.”

Cyrus began to realize a bit more clearly what had just happened. For over an hour Cyrus had cried to a boy, he had to admit to himself, he didn’t really know all that well. Sure they went swinging together, but they never really talked. All he knew is TJ had stuff. Okay, so he knew a bit more. He and Buffy didn’t keep secrets from each other and Buffy told him that TJ had a learning disability, but other than that, he knew nothing.

Cyrus got up and started walking away slowly. “I…uh…I have to go. Sorry!”

TJ followed after him for the second time that day. Once he caught up he grabbed Cyrus’ wrist and pulled Cyrus towards him. “Wait! You can’t leave on that note.” But Cyrus was a mix of emotions and needed some time.

“TJ, you’re amazing, really amazing…more amazing than I deserve,” he mumbled the last part. “But...this is weird and new and I’m very confused right now. I need to talk to Andi and Buffy.”

TJ was a bit taken aback. What had just happened, he didn’t want anyone to know. It wasn’t because he was ashamed, not exactly, anyway, but more than it was a private moment between him and Cyrus and there was something special about it being a secret. “Please don’t,” TJ pleaded. “Can this please just stay between us?” TJ closed his eyes tightly willing himself not to cry.

Cyrus thought about it for a moment. “I won’t go into detail, okay? I just, I need to figure this out. Please respect that. I’m begging you to respect that.”

TJ let go of Cyrus’ arm and sighed repeating the words Cyrus had said on the playground the first time. “You know where to find me.” He gave a small smile and walked away.

——

Cyrus stayed there for a few minutes. A lot had happened in the last hour and he wasn’t totally sure what to do with the new information.

TJ had been so sweet, and safe. The safe part is what he kept going back to. Cyrus rarely felt safe and secure, and he was sure that was related to his depression, but with TJ, the clouds parted just a bit. He was able to relax into TJ’s touch.

It wasn’t like with Jonah. With Jonah, he was always second-guessing himself. Wondering if he was flirting or not, wondering what Jonah’s facial expression could possibly mean this time. Wondering if his hair looked good or if he held that hug a bit too long. Crushing on Jonah caused more anxiety, not less.

He thought about what it felt like to hold TJ’s hand. He’d been dying to do that with Jonah since Andi had complained that Jonah didn’t want to hold her hand. And, there had been a small part of him that had hoped it was because he didn’t want to hold a girl’s hand. He almost found an excuse to hold Jonah’s hand just so he could know what it felt like.

But with TJ…

He wasn’t sure he wanted to hold anyone else’s hand again. He didn’t feel like he had to second guess what he was doing. In fact, he didn’t even think. In the moment everything just flowed, tears included.

Jonah was so damaged. So unable to understand emotion. Cyrus got that now. He could tell there was something really dark bubbling just below the surface with Jonah and the last thing the boy needed was to be in a relationship. This realization made Cyrus’ heart break for Andi. She was going to get hurt, and it wasn’t in any way his place to tell her.

After having thought through everything, he pulled out his phone. “Hey Buffy, yeah, can you and Andi meet me at The Spoon? Something just happened and I need help understanding.”

“What did TJ do?!?” Buffy was ready to fight TJ, Cyrus could hear her anger through the phone.

“Nothing, nothing. I mean, something, a lot, actually” Cyrus’ words got a bit caught in his throat and he started smiling without intending to.

“You’re smiling,” Buffy said matter-of-factly.

“Huh, I guess I am.” Cyrus couldn’t help it. He was happy. He didn’t quite know why. He still liked Jonah…he thought. But what just happened. That was new territory. He’d never experienced that before.

“Okay, okay, we’re on our way. See you in 10.” Buffy said before hanging up.

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Cyrus walked into The Spoon. He was sweating a little and just full of nerves. He didn’t exactly know why he called this meeting. Well, he did, but he didn’t know what he was going to say. TJ had asked him not to tell them what had happened and he was pretty sure he was going to break that promise.

Andi and Buffy had gotten there first and they motioned over to him as he walked in the diner.

“Are you okay, Cyrus, you look like you just saw a ghost” Andi said, giggling slightly.

“What? Oh, I’m fine, everything’s fine, what are you talking about, oh look, baby taters!” Cyrus said, grateful to have a distraction from his babbling.

“So, you were just with TJ…” Buffy motioned for him to start the story. She wanted to get home early enough that she could be with her mom a bit before she went to bed.

Cyrus’ face contorted a few times, “I’m trying to figure out how to talk about this without talking about it…” Cyrus dipped his baby tater in his milkshake. “I think TJ likes me, actually, I’m pretty sure he does.”

“Woah, wait, WHAT?!?!” Andi and Buffy said in unison. “Hold up, like you as in the way you like Jonah?” Buffy questioned.

“Um…yeah, he gave some pretty good indications.” Cyrus clasped his hands together, remembering what it felt like to have them interlaced with TJ’s, maybe that memory would help with this conversation.

Andi took a bit longer to get to the point, but when she finally got there, said what all three of them were thinking, “wait, DO you still like Jonah?”

Cyrus looked down at the table. “I don’t know. If you’d asked me three hours ago, I’d say yes, of course, he’s Jonah Beck. But now…things happened. I don’t know what to feel.”

“Are you saying he kissed you?” Buffy looked confused and slightly annoyed. It was a lot easier to hate TJ when her best friend wasn’t possibly, maybe going to be involved with him.

“What? No!” Cyrus looked shocked and taken aback. “I mean, I’m sure I would have enjoyed that, but no. We…” Cyrus was struggling. He didn’t want to break the promise he made to TJ, but at the same time, was saying they held hands and TJ stroked his hair really breaking the promise? TJ didn’t want the mental health part of their conversation known, but did he really care about the probably romantic part? Cyrus sighed, resigned, “We held hands, and I lay on his chest and he stroked my hair.” Cyrus hid his head in his hands realizing how utterly sappy he just sounded.

“Awww!” Buffy and Andi said in unison. “That’s so cute, Cyrus has his first boyfriend.”

Cyrus sat straight up at that “boyfriend? What? No! I already failed at having a girlfriend, I don’t want to add another gender to my list of failures just yet.”

“Cyrus, honey, that’s cause Iris is a girl, and you’ve informed us you don’t like girls,” Buffy said in a slightly patronizing tone.

“I know that, it’s just, a really new feeling. I mean it’s a good feeling, but it’s a new feeling,” Cyrus paused. “Jonah is…was, this kind of unattainable…thing,” he said, trying to find the right word. “He never was totally real, I mean, he’s my friend, of course he’s real, but I was kind of idolizing him as if it was a celebrity crush,” he swallowed. “With TJ, with TJ is was different. Really different. I didn’t feel nervous, I felt, safe. I didn’t feel like I had to second guess what he was doing or analyze his facial expressions. That said, I only found out he likes me a few hours ago. I should just try being friends first, now with the added knowledge that feelings are involved. That makes sense, right?”

Buffy just shook her head almost in disbelief. “You are wise beyond your years, Cyrus.”

Cyrus smiled happily at the compliment. “So, that’s a yes then, it makes sense and that is a good decision?” Both girls nodded.

And that was the end of the conversation. Cyrus was going to try and be friends with TJ with the knowledge that they both liked each other, and it wasn’t just wishful thinking.

He sat with his friends and ate baby taters for a few more minutes talking about random topics till Buffy went home.

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Cyrus went to school the next day still not sure what he was going to. Bottom line, he didn’t think he was ready for a boyfriend, no matter how amazing it felt to hold TJ’s hand. He has been obsessing over Jonah for almost a year and it was alarming to him that he’d been so obsessed. And it wasn’t really with Jonah either, more just the idea of him. Maybe talking to Andi about it would be a good idea, he thought, recalling that they were in the same boat on that.

Cyrus saw his friends and walked towards them. “Yo, yo, yo, Andi, Buffy, and Jonah!” he exclaimed sounding happy as a clam. Jonah looked at him confused. “No nickname?” He seemed almost…crestfallen. Cyrus’ mind worked a mile a minute. He purposefully used Jonah’s given name, he wanted to start the distancing process. Now, how to explain that to Jonah without watching him pretend to be okay was another story.

“Oh, um…just trying something new. Don’t worry, you’re still my number one guy!” Jonah accepted the response, thank god. But Cyrus made a quizzical expression “number one guy?” Why on earth had he said that? That was so weird and awkward. He sighed. It just strengthened his resolve that having a boyfriend right now would be a bad idea.

And as if by magic, TJ chose that exact moment to walk up. However, TJ didn’t walk up in front of him, but rather behind him, holding his shoulders and yelling “Boo!” Cyrus jumped. “Hi TJ,” Buffy said trying to sound nice and failing miserably. There was certainly a bite in her words. “Hey TJ,” Cyrus’ voice cracked. He froze. He’d only ever done that with Jonah. And, this time, Jonah noticed.

The boy looked up. “Alright, cool, I think that’s my cue to leave.” Jonah, of course, had no idea what was actually going on, but he did remember the Cyrus’ voice cracked when they met and if he was doing it to TJ, that must mean Jonah was being replaced. He walked away glumly.

However, Cyrus had a hard time paying attention to any of that cause, TJ’s hand was still on his shoulder, and not stationary either. TJ seemed to be giving Cyrus a massage? Could that be right?

“TJ, what are you doing?” Cyrus questioned.

“You seemed tense, I thought I’d help.” Even unable to see TJ’s face, Cyrus knew he was smirking.

Cyrus squinted a bit. It wasn’t that it didn’t feel good, it did, but it felt kind of intimate, like what had happened at the park, and they were at school and weren’t there rules about PDA? Was this PDA? They weren’t boyfriends yet…or were they, oh god, had Cyrus said something to make TJ think they were a couple?

Cyrus’ mind kept racing and he started the downward spiral into another panic attack. TJ noticed immediately and tried to give him comforting touches, which, in turn just made Cyrus panic more.

Cyrus whipped around. “TJ, I…, can you not, at least, not at school. I’m not ready for that yet.” TJ nodded and that seemed to be that.

Except it wasn’t.

The next day TJ walked up just like the day before, and just like the day before Jonah left almost instantly. This time TJ was rubbing his back, and again, it didn’t feel bad, it just felt too intimate for school especially when he wasn’t sure of his feelings. And again he told TJ to stop. And again TJ nodded.

This went on for the rest of the week. One day TJ ran his hand absentmindedly through Cyrus’ hair, the next he grabbed Cyrus’ arm and didn’t let go, not in an abusive way, it was a soft touch, but Cyrus was still uncomfortable.

Finally, Cyrus had had enough. It wasn’t till Friday that Cyrus got up the courage to say something. With all his frustration and pent-up anger and stress, it came out a lot stronger than intended.

“TJ, stop! I have told you every single day to stop touching me, it’s not that I don’t like it, I don’t know what I feel, but I can’t figure it out if you have some inability to understand the word no!” And with that, Cyrus stomped away.

It wasn’t until he was down the hall and heard cheers that he realized the hallway wasn’t empty, a good portion of the school had just heard that, and oh yeah, he had pretty much just outed himself.

Chapter Text

Cyrus ran into the nearest empty classroom and leaned against a wall sinking down to the floor. Was he ready for this? Was he ready for everyone to know one of his biggest secrets? He took a couple deep breaths and closed his eyes. He has to be. It had happened. He didn’t seem to have a choice now.

He heard a knock on the door. Thinking it was a teacher he screamed, “come in” only to be face to face with none other than TJ Kippen.

“I’m going to stay by the door, cause, I gather I’m not your favorite person right now.” TJ looked at the ground. He didn’t want to see Cyrus’ face. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what for, but you’re obviously upset and I’m sorry.”

Cyrus was kind of in awe. TJ didn’t get what he did? He knew TJ was clueless about a lot of things, but he didn’t think that extended to social cues. Certainly not to his.

“Do you know what ‘stop’ means?” Cyrus said calmly, or, as calmly as he could muster.

TJ shook his head “not in this context, no.”

Cyrus couldn’t help it. He couldn’t handle this. He couldn’t handle TJ. “Just go. I need to think.” TJ didn’t even try to reason with Cyrus he just closed the door to the classroom and left.

Cyrus had been taught consent way too young, he mused, having shrink parents and all. He has learned about “no” and “stop,” but also that the absence of a yes is just as good as “no,” and he’d trained his friends the same way over the years. It never occurred to him that this understanding wasn’t normal 13-year-old boy behavior. But, TJ was a much more normal 13-year-old boy than he was, so TJ’s knowledge was probably not that uncommon.

Cyrus opened messages realizing he’d just made a huge mistake. He’d watched enough of The Big Bang Theory to know what not having open communication could lead to.

He opened messaging and started typing out a text to TJ:

Hey…that was really uncalled for of me. Just because you don’t know something doesn’t mean you can’t learn. I just…I kind of assumed everyone already knew? Maybe I’m just really mature for my age. So, here goes. It’s called consent. I like you. I’m not ready to do anything with that, but I do like you. But as I said, I’m not ready. I will tell you when I am, but in the meantime, no means no, and the absence of a yes also means no. High fives are okay and hugs, I really like hugs, but this massaging and lingering touches and hair stroking, I don’t consent to that. Actually, I specifically told you to stop. And stop does not mean try it again the next day, stop means wait for me to be ready. And, I will be, I promise.

Sunday scared me, a lot. I guess I never knew what it felt like to be safe like that. But I didn’t feel safe near you on Monday or Tuesday etc. Please respect my boundaries, I have a lot of them, and most of them even I can admit are a bit coo-coo, but, if you like me, they are just quirks you will have to accept, they are part of my “stuff”

Cyrus’ hand hovered over the emoji button, but he didn’t know what would even be a good emoji for this situation, so he just hit send.

Within five minutes it said read, and then, nothing.

Cyrus left the classroom and no one said anything, maybe he hadn’t come out after all. By lunch it was clear. TJ had left him on read and wasn’t intending to respond. It hurt.