Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

>Be the terrible gamer.

Hey, you’re not terrible! You think you’re pretty good, actually.

“John, hurry it up. We’ve got to get through this chamber fast before the skeleton freaks start spawning again. Wait, what are you doing? Don’t you fucking dare- SON OF A BITCH! Did you just kill me?!”

Okay, so maybe you’re a little terrible. “Chill out, Karkat!” You respond, jiggling your mouse around as your avatar re-spawns. “It’s not such a big deal, we didn’t reach the boss yet.”
“I’m not sure you noticed, but every time we die, we have to restart the level! Because of you, we’re back here with all the crab monsters. You’re not supposed to kill your partner in a co-op game, piss brain.”
You laugh and glance over at Karkat, glad you installed the camera to your computer that would allow your audience to see your faces as you play. He makes the greatest expression when he was frustrated like this, one that was totally lost when your videos just had a voice over.
“Yeah, but the main thing is that we’re having fun, right?”
He gives you a death glare so potent that you thought he might be trying to set you on fire with his mind. “The main thing is to make progress, which is something we’ll never do if you don’t stop fucking around.”
“Fine, Crabby, if you wanna be a downer.”
He grits his teeth but doesn’t respond. You’ve had this argument many times before, both on and off camera, and you’re guessing that he’s going to save it until the video’s over to yell at you about it. “Oh, look at that, our time is up for today. See you guys next time on John and Karkat Play Hivebent.”
You get one last, “bye, see ya next time” in before Karkat turns off the video and audio recording.

“We’ve been playing this game for sixty episodes, I think the viewers are getting tired of it. We need to speed it up, and you killing me every time I turn around isn’t helping.”
“We’ll be done soon, we just have a couple more levels to go.” You stand up, stretching your arms above your head. It’s Karkat’s turn to edit and upload, so now you get some time to relax. Karkat doesn’t say anything, instead just shifting in his rickety old computer chair and opening up your Youtube page. You lean over his shoulder to look at your subscriber count. “Shit, we’re still sitting at 250. That sucks.”
“Yes, it does. And tomorrow, we’re taking the sixteen hour drive to LA to attend a Youtube convention where all the greatest will be. I can imagine it now; one of the great gamers will approach us. They’ll say, ‘oh. You’re gamers too! I’ve never heard of you, how many subscribers do you have? I only have 50 000.’ And I’ll have to respond with, ‘two hundred and fucking fifty.’ Shitting myself so hard that I drown in my own waste is a better fate than that kind of embarrassment.”
“That won’t happen! Look, there will be tons of people that are new to the biz. It’s not like we’ll stick out.”
“We’ve been making these videos for over a year. Not exactly new to the biz.”
“Shush! Those are just details. Point is, everyone will be really nice. Nobody will make fun of us for only have 250 subscribers.”
“Fine, but if you’re wrong about that, I will literally pull off your dick and sacrifice it to the asshole gods.”
“Literally?”
“Literally.”

The conversation ends there as you leave him with the video, grabbing a Pepsi from the fridge before heading to your room. You and Karkat shared a small apartment, with a dingy living room separated from the kitchen by a crumbling divider, two small cockroach infested rooms, and a single cramped bathroom. Even with the crappy living conditions, the apartment would be a struggle for you to pay for on your own. Though you had moved out a year ago, you still work at your dad’s old magic shop. Karkat himself works at Wal-Mart, and spends half the day helping customers and the other half complaining about them. You both juggle these jobs with school, you still working on your biology degree and him still taking his computer courses despite the fact that in the first week of college, he had already decided he hated everything that could possibly be even remotely related to programming. But of course, it’s just early July now, and you won’t have to worry about school again until September, which suits you just fine.

And then there’s your Youtube channel. It has been your’s and Karkat’s dream since before you even made your channel to be able to quit your jobs and make videos full time. But it was even harder to gain popularity than you expected; even with your fairly high quality equipment and your regular uploading schedule, your subscriber growth had slowed to a crawl. This didn’t stop you from persuading Karkat into attending the Youtube convention with you, though. In fact, your low subscriber count was the main justification for going in the first place. The plan was simple; find someone popular, make a video with them, get the attention of their subscribers, profit.

This didn’t stop you from worrying, though. Karkat had been right about one thing, everyone there would be popular, and everyone there would already know of each other. You two would be the outcasts. But what better way to get their attention than to be different? Yeah, they might want to know your subscriber count. So? They’re probably gonna be all encouraging about it! Right?

Whatever. It’s already 8:30 PM, and you’ll need to be out by 1:00 AM if you want to be at your hotel at a reasonable hour. You should go to sleep now.

>Skip to a more interesting time.

“Karkat, hurry up!” You shout from the door way, keeping your voice quiet enough so that you won’t wake your neighbours but loud enough that Karkat will be able to hear how frustrated you are from his room. It’s currently 2:03 AM and you still haven’t left your apartment yet.
“Shut up, I’m coming!” Karkat appears out of his room heaving so many bags that he looks like a pack mule. He’s got a backpack, three bags hanging off his arms and a wheeled suitcase that he dragged behind himself.
“What’s with all the stuff? We’re only going to be there for a week!” All you’ve got is a backpack and a suitcase.
“I actually have important things, John. Belongings. Hobbies.”
“So do I, but I don’t have to tote my stuff everywhere I go. Like, what’s in there?” You poke one of the bags flung around his shoulder. “A comfort blanket?”
“No, but what if it was? Would there be a problem with that?”
“Oh, dude. It’s totally a comfort blanket.”
“Is not!”
“Is too!”
“Is n- never mind, lets just go. We wanna get there on time.”
“Oh, yeah! But I’m not letting this go, though. I’ll totally get you to admit that you carry a comfort blanket like a poopy baby.”
“Nope.”

After some arguing outside the apartment on the way to the car, you finally get Karkat to let you drive first. It was an accepted fact in your relationship that you were the better driver- but that didn’t mean that Karkat would give up his control-freak ways to let you do the driving. This time, he had given an unusually small amount of resistance, and it wasn’t until he got in the back seat that you realized why. Before you even started the car, he was asleep, slumped over against his neck pillow. Of course, you expected that. It was doubtful that Karkat slept last night with the video editing and the stress of the trip, but knowing him, he hadn’t slept for days. Karkat’s full sleep sessions were few and far between, and he often chose to crash for half an hour on the couch rather than “waste eight hours of my precious fucking time.” However, Karkat’s time asleep was considered vital to the continued functioning of the little household. After all, Karkat got even grouchier the longer he went without sleep, and the apartment could get absolutely hellish if you picked a fight with him when he was in a particularly impatient mood. And so, when Karkat slept, there was no bothering him. You drove in silence (well… almost silence. The old 1975 Ford Granada you drive isn’t exactly the quietest beauty around.)until he woke up three hours later, complaining that he needed to pee.

After eight hours of driving, you have to concede and let Karkat take the wheel, who proceeds to drive slowly and yell whenever he thinks that he’s been wronged even slightly by another driver. You watch downloaded movies on your tablet and eat an ungodly amount of Cheetos.

It doesn’t feel like sixteen hours when you finally arrive in Los Angeles, passing through busy streets and looking at the palm trees that line the sidewalks. You pass the convention center and arrive at your hotel, where Karkat parks the car in the closest open space to the front doors.

“Woah, luxurious!” You say as the two of you enter the lobby, still overloaded with baggage. The lobby is modern and clean looking, with white leather couches and chandeliers that cast a pale but not unpleasant glow. You flop down in one of the seats as Karkat checks in, admiring your surroundings, when you notice a guy about your age exit the elevators. He’s got pale blond hair, a red plaid button down… and a camera in his hand.

You recognize him instantly. He’s Dave Strider, King of Irony and vlogger extraordinarie. He’s talking to the camera, though you can’t make out what he’s saying. He leaves out the front doors without taking glance around him, and you realize that this is where many other youtubers will be staying as well, as it’s the closest hotel to the convention center. Score!

“Alright, jackass, I got our keys.” Karkat says before passing you a room key. “Let’s go.”
“This is going to be a really cool week, you know that?” You say to him as you stand up.
“Yeah, I know. We’re going to have the time of our lives and all that dumb shit. Now come on, I’m starving.”

You can’t help but grin as you follow him to the elevator. This was going to be the week where your dreams come true.

You can feel it.

Chapter Text

>Be the other guy.

Which other guy? Be more specific!

>You know, the angry one!

Okay, let’s get this straight right now. You’re not angry. Just EASILY FRUSTRATED. There’s a big difference. Like now you’re trying to get in some nice R&R, but people keep yelling in the halls. How are you supposed to sit peacefully in the dark, continuously refreshing your YouTube page over and over again when people in the halls are having their noisy conversations?

“Aw, c’mon Rosie! It’s our first night in LA and you’re already too tired to go out to the club?”
“Not everyone is immune to jet lag like you are, Roxy. It’s perfectly reasonable for me to want to rest and read a good book after a ten hour flight.”
“You call it relaxation, I call it bor-ing! I like reading and ordering room service just as much as the next girl, but we’re only going to be here for five days! Why waste it?”
“I just can’t bring myself to want to get drunk with you at a sleazy club where the music is about forty decibels above the safe hearing level and men are poisoning your drinks left and right at this particular moment.”
You can hear Roxy sigh through the door. “It won’t be like that!”
“Sorry, Roxy. Maybe tomorrow after the convention.”
Roxy sighs again. “It’s fine, sis. I have a video to edit anyway.”

And with that, you hear them walk back down the hall, heels clicking against the tiled floor. You recognized their voices as soon as you heard them. They were the Lalonde twins, both equally famous and practically inseparable. Roxy made humour videos, frequenting in sketch comedy, rants, and storytelling. Rose dabbled in many genres of video making, predominantly comedy based review videos about everything from obscure foreign movies to weird Eldritch based poetry. Together, the girls has risen fast in the YouTube community, becoming queens with over a million subscribers each.

Apparently they also didn’t know how to keep their voices down.

You can’t help but feel excited, though. You have been looking up to some of these people for years and the idea of meeting them is both vomit inducingly terrifying and butt clenchingly exhilarating. But of course, you’re not going to be at the convention to get photos with your favourite YouTubers. No, you’re there as one of their peers, a like minded content creator who deserves their respect and awe.

Christ, you’re so full of crap.

But really, you’ve learned from extensive experience that it is better to always have low expectations and assume that everything will go badly rather than hope for the best and be woefully disappointed. You’re using that strategy now; you just know that you’ll walk into that convention center ill tempered and leave writhing in your own humiliation.

You let out a quiet but audible groan and glance over at John. The room is completely dark other than the red glow from the digital alarm clock and the white glare from your own laptop. He’s sleeping in his usual position, sprawled on his back with one hand clutching his chest like he just got stabbed and is trying to stop the bleeding. Occasionally he lets out a drawn out snore or mutters a couple of incomprehensible words. You should be sleeping too, but you know that you won’t be able to with the worry of the convention hanging over your head. You’re just going to have to sit and wait for the morning.

>Karkat: Skip to a more interesting hour.

Well, you were right about one thing; you would be entering the convention center ill tempered. You and John had been waiting in the giant, snaking line in front of the convention hall for an hour, and only now are you passing through the door and getting your pass looked over.
“Oh, I see you boys are here for the full three days!” The young woman said cheerfully, eying your laminated pass and handing you a presentation schedule.
Before you can respond, John pipes up, “yeah! We can’t wait to meet some other gamers like us!”
“How fun,” she smiles good naturedly and gives you back your pass. “Have a good day!”
“You too!” He waves back at her as you press through the crowd, shamelessly elbowing people in the ribs if they get too close.

“So,” he says, catching up to you. “There’s a couple of cool looking panels on today. We should focus on going places where the maximum amount of popular YouTubers are, right?”
“I guess. But we should also be thinking about going to panels that would be actually helpful for us too. If we’re here, we should learn shit too.”
“Good point!” He seemed to be egged on by your participation in the plan making. “We should see the presentation about video and audio editing. That’s at one, so we should be lining up by twelve. Hmmm, the one on getting your videos out to more viewers is at two thirty. This is going to be tight, especially with trying to socialize in between.”
“How about this…” You say slowly, pulling John to the side of the aisle so you aren’t in the way. “I’ll take care of the informational part of the visit, while you do the socializing thing. So I’ll take notes or whatever the fuck and you’ll be the charming idiot that you are and set up some video making sessions with people.”
“Karkaaaaaaat, noooooo!” He whines. “We’re supposed to do this together! I know you’re afraid to talk to these people, but we’re a team! We can’t just split up like that.”
“Let me get this straight right now, I am not afraid to meet any of these dumbasses. In fact, I realize now that our content is so godly superior to the rest of these imbeciles that I would delight in speaking to any of them, if just to rub our greatness in their stupid shit eating faces.”
“Then why are you trying to avoid it so much?”
“For efficiency’s sake. I mean, we obviously can’t see and do everything in three days, but we can try to get as much in as humanly possible. We all know that I’m the smart and studious one here, so I’m the best candidate for the guy who learns shit and reports back. People seem to like you better, so clearly you should be the one communicating with our peers. It’s called ‘time management,’ and it’s not rocket science.”
“I’m still calling bullshit! You’re just afraid, like a big poopy baby! Besides, I can tell when you’re using flattery to win me over.” He jams his finger at your chest in an accusatory manner. “You called me charming and you said that people like me better. You’d never say something that nice to me normally!”
“I also called you an idiot and suggested that you’re unable to hold onto information.”
“Yeah, but you say stuff like that all the time.”
You think for a moment, realizing that he is completely and undeniably right about that. “Okay, whatever. Point is, our priority is to save time, and I’m willing to do the boring shitty stuff so that you can meet people.”
John thinks for a moment, chewing his lip and looking at you as if considering whether you’re just being a “poopy baby” or utilizing an actual sense of logic that he himself seems to lack. “…Fine, okay. If you wanna watch boring instructional panels while I go and talk to fun famous people, sure. But you have to be able to give me a run down of what you’ve learned when we meet up again!”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever. I’ll go see the panels at one and two thirty, and see some other stuff too.”
“And I’ll go scout out some of the other events for willing business partners! Where should we meet up?”
“Right here, I guess, at four.”
“Cool. But Karkat, if you see anyone note worthy at any of the panels, make sure to talk to them.”
“Yeah, whatever.”
“Don’t ‘yeah, whatever’ me! Promise you’ll talk to people.”
“Okay, okay, I promise.” You roll your eyes and turn away, preparing to leave.
“See ya, Karkat. Have fun doing the boring shit!”

You nod and flounce away into the crowd again, looking at the convention guide. It’s ten thirty currently, so you’ve got plenty of time before you have to go to the one o’clock panel that you had told John you’d attend. What should you do?

>Karkat: scout the area, see what’s up.

Sounds like a good idea. You might happen to see an event that strikes your fancy!

There are tons of pavilions set up, some selling things like cameras or cars (though you can’t think for the life of you why there would be car displays set up at a video convention) and some filled with more YouTube relevant things, like video contests or camera crew. The faces that pass you are a blur, but you can see people stopping to take pictures together, presumably YouTubers and fans. Nobody asks for your picture. You’re not surprised.

Then you get to the panel and presentation area. Rooms line the back wall of the building, each with a long space for line ups in between wide double doors. These must be the entrances to the performance halls where major events will be held. There’s already a large amount of people milling outside the doors.

>Karkat: look for some good panels to go see. DO IT NOW, BEFORE THEY START WITHOUT YOU!

Okay, okay, no need to rush it, you’re not in that much of a hurry. You wander over to the lineups and take a look at the signs near the doors. One door has a line that folds three times, with what looks to be over a hundred people waiting for the event to start. The sign says, “queen of Betty Crocker and chef extrodinaire Jane Crocker shares her secrets on making successful cooking videos!” You immediately turn away. You can barely make Kraft Dinner without burning it, there’s no way you’re starting up a cooking channel.

There is one more line up, about four doors down from the cooking channel presentation. The sign reads, “the basics of making gaming videos, let’s plays, and walk throughs are taught by the masterful Latula Pyrope!” Well, you’d like to think that you’re already passed the basics of gaming videos, but Latula is a huge name in the YouTube gaming industry, and you have a lot of time to kill before one. The presentation starts at 11:15 and it’s only 10:40 now, but the line is already huge. You realize that if you don’t queue up right now, you may not be able to get a seat.

You sigh mournfully, resigned to your fate of bored waiting, and walk all the way to the end of the line.

You take this moment to reflect upon your fate. For the next three days, it’s just gonna be this; standing in lines, attending panels and presentations, making notes, and finding John where he’ll likely recount exciting stories of his day talking to his idols. You can’t complain too much, though. After all, you were the one who suggested that you do information gathering while he takes care of the business side of things. John was right; the only reason you wanted to split up was because you were afraid of meeting people. This isn’t to say that you are afraid of social interaction, because you’re definitely not. You’re afraid of looking and feeling inferior in front of people who are infinitely more successful than you. There’s nothing more painful for you than having to admit that you’re worse than other people, and you tend to get defensive and rude when people even vaguely suggest that you are lesser than them in any possible way. Now, here you are, standing in a boring line for what will probably be a boring presentation, because you’re once again afraid of fucking up every social interaction you’ll ever have.

Scratch that, you can definitely complain.

You’re startled out of your reverie by the movement of the girl in front of you. She’s reaching into her bag and pushing stuff around, searching for something. Finally, she pulls out a camcorder and turns it on.

Christ, a vlogger. The most annoying part of YouTube.

“Hey guys, Harley here!” She says to her camera, and you can hear the grin in her voice. She’s facing away from you, and you shrink into the wall when you realize you’re in the shot. “It’s my first day here at the con, and it’s super exciting! There’s so many great people here! I met up with Feferi earlier, we shot a quick vlog. You can click here for that video.” She points at the area around her face, and you find yourself rolling your eyes. “I also saw the legendary Dave Strider around here somewhere, hopefully I’ll be able to hunt him down and finally get to meet him later! I’ve met two Squiddles already, hi to Jen and Brandon.” You find yourself wondering what the steaming plate of hot fuck a Squiddle is. “Um, right now I’m standing in line for a presentation by the great Miss Pyrope! I’ve been thinking lately that it would be a really fun idea to make a gaming channel so that you guys could watch me totally fail at video games.”

And that was when those two cursed words fell from your stupid idiot lips.

“Please don’t.”

Her head turns, almost in slow motion, towards you and you get the first full view of her face. She’s got tanned skin and freckles all over her nose and vibrant green eyes behind a pair of circular glasses. She’s absolutely adorable, and she looks absolutely pissed off.
“Excuse me?” She closes the camera quickly, ending the video.
Deep down, you know you should just back off. The sane part of you is telling you to back off. But words just tumble out of your mouth before you can even register what you’re saying. “I don’t think anybody wants to hear your annoying voice as you ruin a perfectly good game. I doubt you could even find your way around a fucking X-Box controller, let alone a full sandbox world or even a weapons menu.”
“Oh? Why do you say that? Is it because I’m a girl?” Oh shit you’re screwed you’re fucked what the fuck oh shit.
“No! If I thought that women were any worse at games than guys are, why the fuck would I be going to see a presentation run by Latula Pyrope, a definite female?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe so that you can interrupt her when she’s talking like rude little man.”
“Wow, there are so many things wrong with what you just said. First of all, I am not a ‘little man.’ I practically tower over you like I’m a god and you’re a worthless little underling, cursed to do my worldly bidding for you’re entire shitty, meaningless life. Secondly, how do you even know that I was talking to you? Maybe you’re just being narcissistic, thinking everyone who ever says anything is talking about you.”
“You’re standing here all by yourself, with no one around you. Why would you just randomly say stuff to yourself?”
“Hey, it doesn’t stop you from opening your dumb mouth.”
Her face reddens with anger, and your brain is telling you to shut the fuck up, but as usual, your internal censors seem to be completely offline. “My ‘dumb mouth’ is talking to my subscribers, who just happen to be very interested in my life.”
“Oh, and how many subscribers do you have? Three? Three subscribers, your mother, your grandmother, and your other account.”
“Three? Try eight-hundred thousand.”
“I don’t believe you. How could a person so obnoxious and oblivious get that many subscribers? Oh wait, I know. People love to watch others be embarrassed because it makes them feel better about themselves, right? Every video you post must make eight-hundred thousand people know the joy of what it’s like to be not as horrible as you.”
“If people enjoy watching others embarrass themselves, then why aren’t I rolling on the floor laughing right now?”
“Oh, ha ha, that’s just amazing. What a great comeback. How about you go tell this story to your subscribers- what do you call them? Squiddles? That’s a fucking stupid name.”
“No way, Squiddles are adorable! And you wouldn’t even get it. It’s an in joke I have with my subscribers.”
“Oh, aren’t you so high and mighty, with your ‘in jokes’ and ‘fans.’ Well, you know what? Your channel is practically insignificant compared to my whopping presence on YouTube. I have fans spraying out of my asshole, a barrage of hungry subscribers ready to tear apart my adversaries.”
“Oh yeah?” She raised her eyebrows. “How many subscribers do you have, then?”
“A million.” Oh my god shut your dumbass fucking mouth, what the fuck is wrong with you?
“Then it’s strange I haven’t heard of you.” Her tone is highly suspicious, and you can feel your innards wither up and die.
“I thought we already went over this; you’re a fucking idiot who knows nothing about gaming, just an insignificant vlogging underling who serves no purpose other than to fill brain dead ears with worthless, boring chatter. See, you can’t even hold onto basic information that I told you five minutes ago. That’s how enormously stupid you are.”
She clenched and unclenched her fists, opened her mouth to say something, and hoisted her bag further up on her shoulder before saying, “you know what? Fuck you, asshole. I don’t need this.” She flips you off with both hands and stomps away, leaving the line completely.

It’s only then that you realize how loud your voices had been getting. People both in front and behind you in the line were staring, a couple shaking their heads sadly, a few glaring angrily. See, this is why you don’t do the communicating. You bury your face in your hands, covering your eyes. Why do you have to be such a such a sack of shit all the time?

You just hope that John is doing better than you are at meeting potential allies, because all you’re doing is making enemies. You must be some kind of seer, because you are all ready writhing in embarrassment and you’ve only been here for half an hour.

This is going to be the worst three days of your life.

Chapter Text

>Be the chick.

Are you talking about the angry one?

>Yup, that’s her!

Your name is JADE HARLEY, and you can’t remember the last time you met someone that impossibly rude. He was mean and uncalled for, and you regret that all you had done was walk away, because now he was still in line for the presentation you had wanted to see, and you were aimlessly trying to get lost in the crowd. Sometimes you wish you could stand up for yourself better. If you never see that guy again, it’ll be too soon. But hey, at least you’d get the chance to smack him in the jaw.

You still feel red in the face and your head still pounds as you dodge crowds of people. Worst of all, tears collect in the corner of your eyes. Dammit, this isn’t the time to be sad! You’re supposed to be meeting your peers and having fun, not crying about stupid pissheads who are trying to ruin your day.

You duck off of the carpeted path and stand by the wall, deciding to take a minute to collect yourself. You blink back tears and rub your hands against your skirt, trying to work out the hot buzzing feeling in your palms.

“Um, hi there! Are you alright?” You look up to see a man about your age standing before you. He’s got jet black hair and blue eyes guarded by a pair of rectangular glasses. He’s just slightly shorter than you, and has a concerned look on his face.
“Oh, hi. I’m fine. Just ran into a really rude guy. Not a big deal.” You stand up straighter and try to look as okay as your words made you sound.
“That sucks! He didn’t hurt you or anything, right?”
“No, no. It’s alright. Thanks for asking, though.”
He grinned again and stuck out your hand. “No problem! I’m John Egbert. You’re Jade, vlogging queen, right?”
You smile back, albeit a little weakly, and grasp his hand. “Well, I wouldn’t say the queen, but that’s me.”
“I’m so happy to meet you, your videos are so great. Squiddles forever!”
“Not everyone seems to think that.” You reply.
“Well, not everyone is as cool as you!”
“Thanks, but really, what’s with all the flattery? You don’t look like an enthusiastic fan. Why are you being so nice?”
“What, can’t a guy just be polite?” You give him a stern look, planting your hands on your hips. He smiles apologetically in response. “Okay, fine, you caught me. Truth is, I’ve been looking for a good business partner!”
“Business partner?”
“Yeah! Someone to make a couple videos with, just to open up my channel to new viewers, and hopefully help them out too!”
“Oh? And what kinds of videos do you make?”
“My friend and I co-host a gaming channel!”
“That’s funny, I just happened to be in the line for a gaming presentation before the meanie drove me away.”
“That’s perfect, then! You show up in a few gaming videos with us, maybe you let us guest star in one of your vlogs, and we’ll both get to experience something new.”
“Hmm… wait, how many subscribers do you have?”
He shrinks back, a look of embarrassment on his face. “Two hundred and fifty last I checked.”
“Oh…” that explains how he was so eager to make videos with you.
“But that’s okay! So maybe you won’t gain many subscribers from the deal, but we can still show you the ropes, give you a tour of the equipment required to make these videos, all that junk. Maybe show you a little bit of what you might’ve missed in the panel.”
“That could be fun…” you say hesitantly. “But wait, who’s your partner?”
“Oh, this guy named Karkat Vantas.”
“What’s he like?”
“Uh, I will warn you that he’s a bit of a grumpy pants. But he can be really cool once he warms up to you, and I’m sure you’d get along really great with him! He’s a good guy in general, if a little weird at times.”
“Sounds like a cool dude. It’s not like I don’t trust you or anything, it’s just that I’ve already dealt with my fair share of rude poops today already…”
“Oh, trust me, Karkat’s not like that. He’d like you, I think.”
“Alright,” you nod, a little bit more enthusiastically. “This sounds like it could be a lot of fun! I’ll do it.”
“Awesome!” He claps his hands excitedly. “So, how should we do this?”
“I think we should make the videos soon, preferably today, since I won’t be in LA for too much longer.”
“Okay, how about this. We meet up here later, at 4:30 or something so that I can be sure that partner will be back at the hotel, which is just down the street. I’ll take you there, and we can make the gaming videos and everything.”
“And then we could go out afterwards or something and make a vlog or two along the way?”
“Great! So, it’s a deal?”
“Yeah.” You shake his hand again, nodding. “So, I’ll see you later, then.” You move to walk away before he grabs your shirt sleeve.
“Wait, sorry. I just wanted to mention that, um, I’m not some creepy weirdo, and neither is my partner. We won’t do anything freaky, promise!”
You laugh a little bit. “I believe you, John. But just know that if you did do something unwelcome… I’m trained in seven different types of combat.” Your tone is light, but you say it firmly enough to let him know that you’re not joking about that.
“Woah, that’s really cool,” he says, looking starstuck. “Anyway, yeah, see you later!” He turns and waves before practically skipping away.

Well, looks like you’re just going to have to entertain yourself until you meet up with John again at 4:30.

>Be Jade’s newest business partner!

Hell yeah! You’ve already made a friend in the biz, and it’s only the afternoon of the first day here! What a great start. You’re sure Karkat will be overjoyed at the achievement. In fact, you think it might be a good idea to call him up right now and tell him. You pull your cell phone out of your backpack and type in his number. He doesn’t pick up, so you call him again. When he still doesn’t pick up, you decide just to leave a message on his voice mail. “Greetings, this is Karkat,” his message says. “Clearly I’m not here right now, so you can either call me back later or leave me a message, if you’re an impatient little shit. Here’s the beep.” Beep. You say, “hi Karkat! I guess you’re in a panel right now, so I just wanted to warn you that I’ve met someone who we can make videos with! I’m meeting her at 4:30, so you can go straight back to the hotel without me. Just make sure you’re looking okay when we arrive. See ya!” You end the message and turn off your phone. Perfect, everything is set for later.

It’s unlikely that Karkat will be happy with you setting up a meeting with another YouTuber without his prior consent or a proper warning, though. Hopefully he’ll act less shitty when she’s around than he normally does, you don’t want him to scare her off. After all, it looks like she could be a really fun friend to have, and you’ve always enjoyed her videos. Still, you know that Karkat is smart enough not to ruin the opportunity for the both of you. He may be grumpy, but he’s not that spiteful. This could be your big break, after all! Oh well, looks like you’re going to get the rest of the day to shit around until 4:30.

>Skip ahead to the good stuff!

It’s now 4:35, and you’re journeying back to the meet up place. You’ve been having fun all day, looking at booths and talking to people. But this is going to be the real exciting part!

When you arrive, Jade is already there. She smiles and nods in greeting when she sees you. “Hi, Jade!”
“Hi! You ready to go?”
“Born ready.” The two of you begin to walk towards the exit.
“You said you’re in the hotel down the street, right?”
“Yep!” You reply. “Is that the one you’re staying at, too?”
“Yeah. It’s really luxurious.”
You decide not to mention that you and Karkat had to save up for months to be able to afford the posh hotel. The price of a suite is probably pocket change to a YouTuber like her. She must get paid a ton. “So, are you ready to make gaming videos?”
“Sooo ready! I’m really pumped. What are we gonna play?”
“I think we should just do a couple versus matches of a few shooters, like Call of Duty or something. That way we can make something entertaining for a couple of episodes without having to get into a story.”
“Wow! But I’m warning you… I don’t play video games much. Like, ever, practically. I suck really bad.”
“Don’t worry, failure is entertaining. Besides, you can’t be too much worse than my partner.” You exit the convention center and enter the street. As you walk you pull out your cell phone. Whoops, looks like you’ve missed five calls, all from Karkat. Maybe you shouldn’t have set your phone to vibrate and left it in your backpack. Oh well, whatever he has to say, he’ll have to save it until he meets Jade. “Anyway, what’s it like being a famous vlogger, hmm?”
“Fun! It’s really cool that people have such an interest in what I do in my every day life.”
“Isn’t it sort of creepy, though?”
“A little bit, but you get over it.”

The two of you share polite and reserved conversation for the trip to the hotel all the way up until you’re in the elevator. You start to fidget a little, excitement and nervousness mingling. Your partnership with Jade could really jump start your career!

You finally reach your room with Jade in toe, and you hurriedly use your room key and open the door. Karkat is standing in front of the window as you walk in, tapping his foot and hugging himself. Even with his back to you, you can tell that he’s nervous. You take a few steps inside, and he turns around. “Hey-” he breaks off as he sees who is behind you.

He freezes, his eyes widen, his hands drop to his side and he tenses up. Confused, I glanced back at Jade. Her eyes narrowed, her face flushes instantly, her hands clench into fists. “It’s you.” Her voice is filled with venom. She doesn't take her eyes off him, but you can tell that she’s addressing you when she says, “your partner is the douche who harassed me earlier?!”

And suddenly, nothing makes sense.

Chapter Text

>Author: Attempt a cliffhanger x2 combo!

Your attempt was a complete success! Now, who should you be?

>How about that cool vlogger with the shades?

Hell yes, now we’re cooking with gas! Your name is DAVE STRIDER, and you are one hellacious dude. So far at this convention you’ve hosted a panel, been mobbed by fourteen year old girls, and enjoyed the luxuries that downtown LA has to offer. And it’s only been two days since you’ve arrived.

You have to admit though, big social events tend to tire you out. That’s why you spend time like this, roaming the hotel halls after hours, sipping on a coke and watching other guests through your shades as they walk by. It’s quiet and peaceful, giving you time to think and recharge without being restrained in the dungeon that is your room.

Well, it’s mostly quiet. You wander past a room and stop briefly as you hear yelling inside.

“Well? Did you like the panel, you butt? You know, the one that you harassed me outside of?”
“It was basic for me, but I’m not sure that you’d understand some of the big words that we talked about. You know, like ‘good editing,’ and ‘content that isn’t so awful that it makes your viewer’s eyes bleed!’”
“How about this big word? Do you understand this?” There’s a brief pause, and you get the feeling that she just whipped her middle finger out.
“Guys, I think we can work this out. You know, with… diplomacy.” A third voice chips in.
“Shut up!” The other two voices shout simultaneously, before continuing their argument.

You considering eavesdropping for a bit longer before you remember that you really don’t give a shit.

And with that, you continue your walk down the hall. You could vlog this, except you left your camera back in the hotel room. You’re not doing anything interesting anyway.

>Go to someone who isn’t being boring!

Like who?

>…Just give in and be John already. You know that’s what you want!

…Fine. Your Cliffhanger X2 Combo fails.

You are now JOHN EGBERT, and you are helplessly watching a potentially violent argument occur before your eyes.
“Did you know that your friend is someone who insults random girls?” Jade says to you in an accusatory manner.
“No, I- uh…” You rub the back of your neck and look at Karkat. “C’mon, dude, why can’t you just apologize? It was a really mean thing to say to her.”
“Can’t a person just talk to themselves in public without offending everyone? I wasn’t harassing you, I was just making an inner commentary about what was going on around me, and you turned around and had the hissy fit.”
“Why can’t you just apologize?” Her hands are planted on her hips, her face crumpled up into an expression of supreme rage.
“Why can’t you just accept constructive criticism about the quality of your videos?” You mentally curse Karkat. He didn’t seem to have the ability to back down from a fight, even though his expression was one of pure terror, his eyes saucer like and his jaw tight.
“Oh, that’s rich, coming from you.” You can feel it coming. She’s about to use her ace in the hole. “You have two hundred and fifty subscribers, huh?”
Karkat spun his head towards you. “John, you asshole! How could you betray us like this?!”
“We were going to make videos with her, she had to know how wide our audience is!” I said defensively.
“Why are you so mean, Karkat? If you just apologized, then we could start fresh and maybe still make a video. But instead you have to just keep insulting me for no reason.”
“You do know you’re in my hotel room, right? You don’t have to be here.”
“Fine, forget the video. You guys can find someone else to promote your sucky channel.” She spun around, her fists clenched, about to stomp out the door.

And then she stopped. You and Karkat had just enough time to give each other confused glances before Jade tipped backwards. Karkat leaped forward and caught her beneath the arms, saving her from landing on the carpeted floor. He grunted and said, “hurry up and grab her legs!” You comply, and the two of you haul her onto your bed.

You immediately check her pulse and breathing. “What’s wrong with her?” Karkat asks frantically.
“Well, it actually looks like she’s just… asleep!” You’ve learned quite a bit about basic medical sciences as a biology major, and she’s not unconscious, or injured in any obvious way.
“What! How could she just fall asleep?”
“I don’t know, dude.”
“Do we call the ambulance?”
“Maybe we should just give her a minute.”
“Oh my god, was this my fault? Did I give her a heart attack? Is she going to die because of me?”
“Karkat-”
“Oh fuck, I’m going to be convicted of murder or manslaughter. Holy shit John, I won’t last in jail. If I get stabbed, I’m going to haunt your ass for telling her our subscriber count. Don’t you dare testify against me in court, I swear to god.” He babbles, words spilling out of his mouth faster than he could control them.
“Slow down, Karkat. You didn’t murder her. Look!”

Her finger twitch and her eyes crack open. “Oh, thank god she’s not dead.” Karkat sighs out as she lifts her head up to look at them.
“Whoops, sorry about that.” She rubs her head and sits up quickly. “Um, I actually have a disorder called Narcolepsy. It causes me to fall asleep sometimes, usually during a wild flight of emotion.” She shoots Karkat a dirty look.
“Uh, yeah. Sorry about that, actually.” He rubs the back of his neck and looks down. “I was being kind of an asshole back then… a few minutes ago…”
She smiled grimly as she pulled her legs over the bed and stood up. “…Okay, I think that’s the best apology I’m going to get, so… apology accepted. I guess I’m sorry too, maybe I shouldn’t have freaked out so much.”
“So, you’re alright, Jade? Do you still want to make a video?” I said hesitantly.
She looks between us, narrowing her eyes. “Sure, I’ll do it. The deal is still on. But only if Karkat promises not to insult my videos anymore! It’s mean, and I don’t like it.”
“I promise. That was a little out of line earlier.” He says, and Jade nods in response.
“Great!” You clap your hands together as Karkat smiles slightly.
“Before we do anything, I must venture to the bathroom.” He walks away from you, legs still shaking from nervousness.

Jade combes her hand through her hair absently and then says, “you know your partner is kind of a douche, right?”
“Yeah, I’m aware. But you’ll warm up to him, I swear.”
“…Alright, but if says something really mean again, I’m not sure I can go through a shitty fight like that for a second time.”
“He’ll behave! But don’t be too offended when he shouts ‘fuck’ loudly when you beat him at Call of Duty.”
“I’m not sure I can. I’m pretty terrible at games, and I barely ever play them.”
“Trust me. You’ll beat him.”

With that, Karkat bursts out of the bathroom, door slamming against the wall. “Do I hear someone talking shit about my CoD skills?”
“Always, Karkat, Always.”

You proceed to set up the laptops on the desk and pull up the chairs as Karkat grabs the AV equipment. Jade even has brought her own laptop to the convention center to carry around in her bag. When asked why, she says that her grandfather used to teach her to never carry around less than five computers at a time. You walk Jade through the entire set up process, teaching her what goes where and what mics to use.

The three of you finally connect on a versus game, and start the video.

“Hi everyone! Today we’re starting up a new series, featuring the lovely Jade Harley, from Jadesquiddles!”
“Hi, glad to be here,” she chirps, grinning. “You’re all going to get to watch me fail at first person shooters.”
“You might be the first person that Karkat can actually beat.”
“Hey, fuck you! I’m amazing at this game! The only reason you can beat me is because you cheat!”
“How do you cheat at Call of Duty?” Jade asked inquisitively.
Karkat paused before muttering, “…let’s just start the game.”
You laugh before staring the match. You and Karkat start running immediately when the map loads, but Jade just shakes the mouse frantically. “Wait, how do I move?”
“Like this,” you show her.

She runs a few steps before Karkat jumps out from around a corner and starts shooting at her. “Wait, how do you shoot? Karkat, stop, wait-”
“Press here!” You try to show her, but she’s squealing and he’s laughing while pumping bullets into her character.
“OWNED, MOTHERFUCKER!” Karkat throws his hands in the area as Jade dies, her character spawning elsewhere. “KARKAT VANTAS HAS OFFICIALLY DESTROYED AN OPPONENT AT CALL OF DUTY! BOW TO YOUR NEW GOD, BITCHES!”
“Karkat, she didn’t know how to shoot! Doesn’t really count.”
“Don’t you dare try to take this away from me, John Egbert,” he jabs a finger at you. “We’re a team!”
“There are no teams in Call of Duty.”
“Just you wait, boys!” Jade grinned, shooting her gun randomly as she figures out the controls. “This is about revenge now.”
“Yeah, right. Let’s see you do any better than that,” Karkat replies haughtily.
Jade is quiet for a moment, and you watch her stalk down Karkat in the corner of your eye. She takes aim and… head shot, Karkat drops. “Wow, that was even easier than I thought it would be!”
“Oh my god! You’re dead. I will summon all the power within myself and focus it like a child focuses a microscope on an ant, and I will use it to burn you up, just like said child would do to said ant.”
“That’s a crappy metaphor, Karkat.” You say. To your delight, Karkat spawns right in front of you, and you kill him almost immediately. “Wow, Jade’s right! That is easy!”
“Fuck you, I thought we were friends. Besides, that wasn’t even unfair. I just happened to spawn right in front of you!”
“Whine, whine, whine,” Jade says as you and her have a firefight across a courtyard, before you finally die.

At the end of the match, Jade reigns supreme with the highest kill count with you in second, and Karkat in dead last. You can tell that Jade took a huge amount of pleasure in obliterating her past antagonist, as she’s practically bouncing in her seat. “Owned, Karkat. You suck worse at games than me.”
“That was just beginner’s luck!” He shouts. She sticks her tongue out in response. “Wow, real mature!”
“I say we have a rematch!” You interject. “Then we’ll see who the real master is.”
“Let’s do it,” she says. “I say we team up to try to totally pound Karkat!”
“Yeah, I’m in.”
“So you’ll team up with her, but not me? Great best friend you are.”

You all laugh and start a match. This would be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Chapter Text

>Author: Actually follow through on being someone else for an entire chapter.

Fine, fine. But who?

>Maybe that sophisticated Lalonde twin we heard from earlier?

Good choice. You are now ROSE LALONDE, and you’re famous for your huge variety of video-making talents. Vlogging, gaming, music, educational; you’ve dipped your delicate, well manicured foot into it all. Some of your videos were more successful than others. For example, your gaming videos never really got off the ground. You think that its because you’re a bit too contemplative for the gaming crowd. People want to see you scream as throw your controller at the wall when your character dies, not hear you deconstruct every plot hole or error in the game. But still, you have just over a million subscribers, and you like to think that you can credit some of that success to your willingness to try new things.

But as you scroll through this girl’s channel, you realize that there’s still an untouched genre of video that you haven’t even considered. The makeup gurus.

You had asked your subscribers who you should try to meet and maybe make a collab video with over the course of the con, and you saw the same name come up over and over and over again. Kanaya Maryam. For some reason, your subscribers are absolutely obsessed with the idea that you and this Kanaya woman would be the perfect match, and that you “just HAVE to meet her” and that you and her will get along well together because you’re both “ugly fat bitches.” Ah yes, the wonders of YouTube commenters never cease to amaze you.

But still, you’re watching one of her videos now, titled “Vampire Halloween Makeup Tutorial.”

“Um, in the comments, a lot of you complained about not being able to understand what I’m telling you to do,” she says as she smoothly applies eyeliner. “So I will attempted to increase the understandability of my videos, in the minute chance that my viewers do not comprehend what I am instructing them to do, despite the very obvious and helpful visual aid. The visual aid being that I am literally showing you what I am doing as I am doing it. Now that I think about it, I am unsure of how anyone can misunderstand my tutorials when you can literally copy exactly what I am showing you. Oh, right, I forgot to mentions that I’m now using this lovely eyeshadow I purchased at Sephora…”

You smile in spite of yourself as you watch her clumsily ramble through the video, eloquently yammering as she skillfully applies more types of makeup than you know the names of. You also admire that her end result actually does look like a vampire from the classics- you suspect that she is an avid reader. She also makes fashion videos, saying in one that she is an aspiring designer as well as a botanical enthusiast. You feel yourself becoming more intrigued with every video, thinking that maybe Kanaya would be the perfect person to collaborate with to get an introduction into the makeup guru world.

“Rooooooooooooooooose!”

You’re interrupted by the sound of your twin, first releasing your name in crude sound that was stuck somewhere between a groan and a sigh, and then rolling off the bed and flopping right onto the floor.

“What is it, Roxy?”
“I’m hella bored, man. We haven’t done anything cool yet since we got here.”
“Roxy, you’ve been awake for what, three minutes? Why don’t you find something to do?”
“There is nothing to do besides take three hour long naps and drink three dollar water bottles from the snack bar.”
“You could always, I don’t know, make a video?”
“Will you make one with me?” She perked up, looking at you from the floor.
“I’m occupied at the moment.”

She sighs and rolls over. You know that she doesn’t have the equipment to make her normal, solo videos that generally involve intense editing and effects. Roxy makes comedy videos, usually sketches or dramatic retellings of humorous stories. She acts all of the parts and edits them together, allowing her to make full scenes with more than one person, using no one but herself. She has almost two million subscribers because of this. Her technique has the downside that unless she has many hours to spend and all of her equipment available, it’s impossible to make a video. She has been fully relying on the oppurtunity to make collab videos for the week away from home.

“Party pooper.”
“I can’t help that I’m busy.”
“Busy with what?” She pulls herself onto your bed and scrambles next to you, looking at your laptop.
“You’re busy watching makeup tutorials? Great excuse, sis.” She rolls her eyes. “I didn’t even think you were into this stuff.”
“I’m not.” You wear makeup, yes, but not adventurous makeup. Cat eyeliner and lipstick is the farthest you go.
“Oh, I get it! You’re tuning in for the smexy babe right there. Lol, I totally got your number on this one, sis.” Yes, your sister says “lol” out loud.
“Uh huh, I can feel my homosexual tendencies glisten at the sight of this very sexually pleasing display. Look at how hot this extreme closeup of this women’s eye is. I can feel my vagina moisten at the mere-”
“Okay, got it,” Roxy rolls her eyes again and covers your mouth with her hand. “But what are you doing, if not scoping out a hotty?”
“It has been suggested that I seek her out at this convention, as we would supposedly make a good pair.”
“Oooooooooooooooh, so I was sort of right,” she winks three times in succession. “But what kind of video would you even make with her?”
“I could let her star in a review video. We do something silly, we review it. It also wouldn’t be too difficult to make some sort of comedic makeup video. The only problem is finding her.”
“You could go the easy route and just message her. I mean, it ain’t romantic, but what can ya do.”
“I will likely do that.”

You pause the video and sit for a moment, realizing that you have no idea how to start a message to her. Roxy taps her fingers on the covers as you think. Maybe you just need to get your blood circulating to get the ideas flowing.
“I’ll think about this as I go pick up a drink from the vending machine. You said that it’s by the ice machine, right?”
“Yeah. Grab me up a Sprite, will ya?”

You nod and take one of the room keys off of the television stand before exiting the room. You have to admit, it isn’t easy to think with your twin breathing down your neck, especially because she’s told you so many times that the way you write is too wordy and convoluted, and that you need to have her edit your work more often. You think you write just fine, thank you very much. You hope that by the time you get back, she’ll be occupied by something else.

You walk slowly, deep in thought. It’s weird, you always seem to have such an easy time talking to people, especially in letters and messages. The words just seem to flow. But now you’re really drawing a blank on how you want to present yourself to this girl.

You finally reach the little side room that holds the ice machine. A person is already using the vending machine, so you stand patiently behind them. A minute passes, and you wonder whether you should just try to find Kanaya in the convention itself. Another minute passes and annoyance stirs in your stomach. Why is this person taking so damn long to grab a drink? They’re just hitting buttons and occasionally smacking the machine.
“Excuse me, can you please hurry it up a bit, I don’t have all day.” You say in a clearly annoyed tone.

She turns around. Mocha coloured skin, bright green eyes, short black hair. Kanaya Maryam.

“My apologies, but I can’t seem to figure out how to use this machine. It appears to be broken.”
You mentally curse yourself for being so uncharacteristically unobservant. “May I take a look?” You step past her and look at the machine. You punch in the number that belongs to Sprite, 24. You slide in your coins and press enter. The two of you watch as the mechanical arm grabs the Sprite and it falls into the basket below. You look over your shoulder and give her a wry smile. She looks absolutely mystified. “What did you want?”
“Iced tea.”

You use the money that was intended for your own drink and pass her the iced tea. “I can’t possibly let you pay for this,” she says, fishing through her purse for her own change.
“No, no. Let it be an apology for my rude behavior earlier. Hello, my name is Rose Lalonde, and you must be Kanaya Maryam.”
“I suspected you were the famous violet Lalonde, but I believed myself to be mistaken.” She shook your hand. “How have you heard of me?”
“You have quite the presence in the makeup community. Besides that, my subscribers have been excited about the idea of us making a video together.”
“Really?” She says, amazed. “I’ve always been a fan of your videos. Would you actually like to make a collab video together?”
“I’d be honored.” You smile.

What a coincidence that you happened to bump into her like this. If you believed in such things, you would say that it’s destiny. Destiny, or just good fortune.

Chapter Text

>Be the cool dude again.

It’s about time. After a long, somewhat boring hiatus, you are now back to being DAVE STRIDER. After all, everything in the story that isn’t about you is just boring filler, right?

Unfortunately, you still haven’t managed to shake your boredom- you’re still pacing the hotel halls, looking for something to do. Yeah, you have Youtuber friends you could be visiting, or videos you could be shooting, but for some reason you’re just not in the right mood. You even called up your brother looking for some entertainment, but as always, Dirk complained about long distance calling fees and hung up. So now you’re just stuck here, making loops around the hall.

“How could you do this to me, I thought we were supposed to be a team!” You hear a guy yell from inside one of the rooms. You look at the number on the door and realize that yes, this is the same room that you heard the shouting from earlier. Damn, they must be still going at it. You move in closer for optimal eavesdropping.
“There are no teams, douchenozzle!” The female voice responded.
“Goddammit, Jade Harley, there’s no fucking loyalty in this place. You betray me, John betrays me. Everyone is fucking turned against me.”

Jade Harley, huh? You knew you recognized that voice from somewhere. Jade Harley is a real up and coming vlogger, well known within your community. Some might say that she could even be considered your female counterpart. You’ve never formally met each other, but you’ve seen her many times at various events, and the two of you have several mutual friends. You even nod pleasantly when you see her, a gesture that she returns with a grin. It’s hard to believe that you’re hearing this vicious yelling from her now, as she always seemed so peppy.

“I can say the same to you, asshole! You cheated me so many times.”
“You tell him, Jade!” The third dude said.
“I can’t believe you fucking people. No, you’re not people, you’re slime. Slime bent on destroying my life and reputation. But you know what? You can go fuck yourselves. Especially you, Jade. I’m going to absolutely destroy you, you’ll be bleeding by the end of this.”

Damn, that’s awfully aggressive. You almost feel tempted to…

No, no. It’s none of your business to intrude. And yet, you feel oddly curious. Maybe there’s some real violence occurring in that room, would it not be your duty to investigate? Besides, you’re so bored…

You knock on the door and wait a moment. They’re still arguing, and you wonder if they could even hear you over the man’s barrage of ridiculous insults. The voices in the room are getting louder. You put your hand on the door knob and turn it. To your surprise, it is conveniently unlocked. You gently push open the door, fully expecting to be barging in on a scene of ugly domestic violence.

“Calm down, Karkat! I-” He stops, his mouth falling open when he sees you. The other two turn to look at you as well with raised eyebrows and gaping mouths. No, the three of them aren’t busy throwing punches, and no, blood isn’t splattering the floor. They’re seated at the desk, laptops open and headphones on. They’re shooting a video. “Um, hi there.” This is directed at you. The boy has black hair and round blue eyes behind a pair of green framed glasses. You look at him and feel… no. Not this shit again.
“Sup.” You might feel embarrassed by your needless intrusion, but you don’t. Cool kids don’t get embarrassed, and they certainly don’t make dumb mistakes like this.
“Dave!” Jade pipes up, taking her headphones off and putting them on the table. “I didn’t expect to see you around here. Do you know these two?”
“Nope,” you say. “I just heard you in here getting yelled at by this asshole and thought I’d see what’s up.”
She laughed, a light, tinkling sound. “Oh, sorry. I wasn’t getting assaulted or murdered or anything like that, if that’s what you were thinking.”
“Good, wouldn’t wanna have to hunt these two down in a desperate, soul searching quest for revenge.”
“No, that wouldn’t be ideal.” She smiled.
“So, now that the situation has been confirmed unhomicidal, I guess I’ll be going,” you say, taking a step out of the room.
“No, wait, how about you join us? There’s always room for one more, especially for a cool dude such as yourself.” Jade offers
“Are you serious? This guy just walks in to our hotel room, without even knocking-” The angry, yelling guy says.
“I did knock, actually. You were just screaming too fucking loud to hear it.”
“Whatever! Point is, he just wanders into our hotel room and you just automatically offer him the opportunity to play with us? I’m sorry, but I thought we were the hosts here.”
“Oh… You’re right. Sorry, I should have consulted you guys first.” Jade says, the excitement in her voice waning.
“No, wait, Karkat.” The blue eyed kid broke in. “I think we should let him join! The more the merrier, and besides that, he’s Dave Strider! Wouldn’t it help to, you know, know him?” he elbows Karkat’s side. You try not to look at him. You can’t do this again.
“You know what, fine,” Karkat throws his hands in the air. “Just invite whoever you want into my hotel room, whatever. It’s not my opinion matters of anything.” He’s got a sour expression, matching with his messy auburn hair and pale skin.
Jade ignores his tone and grins. “Great, so… you wanna play a game with us? We’re doing CoD right now. Oh, I almost forgot! That one’s Karkat Vantas, and this one’s John Egbert,” she says, gesturing at the boys. “They have a gaming channel.”

You shift from foot to foot, thinking. You want to play with these guys, you really do. But you also know that can’t put yourself through this again. You find your eyes wandering over to John still, and you inwardly curse yourself for being a fucking idiot. You have to get away before it’s too late.

“Sorry bruhs, but I have people to meet, things to do. Prior commitments and all that jazz. Have fun whooping each other’s asses, though.” You say briskly before stepping out of the room and closing the door. You don’t hesitate before turning around and speed walking down the hall. You have to make sure never to see Jade or her friends again. The problem is not how you feel about Jade, it’s how you do not.

Whatever. Just get back you your room, pretend it didn’t happen. Easy as pie.

“Dave, wait!”

Shit. Shitshitshitshitshit.

You stop and turn to face to blue eyed, tan skinned kid behind you.

“Sup.”
“I know you said that you have stuff you needed to do, and that’s cool. But I’m a huge fan of your videos, and I was wondering if you would still make one with us before the convention ends.”

You need to make like Nancy Reagan and just say no. But sometimes saying no isn’t easy, especially when it concerns things you really want.

“I’m really busy…” You say without much conviction. John’s eyes are really shiny, and his smile is a bit lopsided. You bet that he was probably the kid who wore braces, and played with Lego up until grade 8. He was kind of cute and you didn’t want to look at him.
“Please? We could piss off Karkat together, it would be so awesome. Plus we could do a vlog or something too!”
“I haven’t even heard of your channel before, dude.”
“We’re not popular, and that’s why we need the help of people like you and Jade. C’mon, we’ll have fun”
“I don’t even know who you guys are.”
“Uh, okay. Well, we’re from Oregon. Karkat and I are both nineteen. I’m studying biology in university, which is really really boring. Karkat is trying to become a computer programmer. We play lots of different games in our videos, some we do together and some not. We only have two hundred and fifty subscribers, but we love making videos.” He cycled his hands, trying to think of something else to say. “We promise that we won’t kidnap you or anything. We just want to meet people and make friends in the community!” He was talking fast, his voice still playful and sweet. You need to get away from him soon, but you can’t. He’s waiting for a response and he’s so cute and you can’t.
“Tomorrow after the convention ends?”
“Yeah!”

Just say no just say no just say no you can’t do this again-

“Sure, whatever.”

Well, shit. You said yes, and he’s smiling like an idiot.

“So, it’s a date then!” He said, slapping your arm before waving and running back down the hall.

It’s a date.

Chapter Text

>Be the other Lalonde.

Hell fucking yes! It’s about time Roxy Lalonde some love, but hey, better late than never!

You’re currently back in the convention center after a long night of the most boring boringness that ever made you bored. Sure, it was a small entertainment when that Kanaya babe stopped by with Rose and made plans for a collab. But other than that, a night of editing last week’s video and rolling around on the floor was lame. Your sister certainly wasn’t eager to enjoy LA’s booming nightlife, and you couldn’t blame her. She had walked out of clubs weighed down by bad experiences. The two of you had been through a lot together, from the death of your dear mother to raging alcoholism that had brought the two of you down like lead balloons.

But that didn’t mean that you couldn’t enjoy a few vodka shots now and again, did it? There’s nothing wrong with a little fun.

That’s not to say that your twin is boring, hell naw. She’s the life of the fucking party! She is just… cautious. Caution, caution, caution. A fear of being sucked back into her old ways, that’s what your sister has. But who can blame her, really?

Still, none of this makes for a very fun vacation. But whatever, a new dawn, a new day. You’re planning on meeting some new people and leaving your impression on the con. You don’t need your sister’s attention to feel good, right? RIGHT?

“Roxy, is that really you?” A voice says behind you, and you spin around.
“Janey, oh my God, it’s been so long!” You wrap your arms around the girl behind you and hug her hard, squishing her face into your boobs and squeezing her until she makes a breathy, choking sound and says, “okay, Roxy, you can let go now.”

You do, but leave one handing grasping her wrist. “When was the last time we hung out, three months ago, four? You look adorable, oh my god.” She was looking smexy, donning a cute cupcake patterned apron and a Betty Crocker tiara. Some thought that she was a sell-out for associating her cooking channel with such a big company, but you were more than jealous. She was brining in the big bucks, and got cute clothes in the deal.
“Thanks Roxy, but I feel a bit foolish wandering around wearing an apron and carrying all these baking supplies,” she gestured at the bag she was holding, a whisk and a cookie tin jutting out of the top.
“What is all that stuff, anyway?”
“I do demonstrations, teaching people how to make food and videos simultaneously, showing off my cookbooks, all of that lovely stuff.”
“Wait, you have cookbooks?” You gasp, releasing her wrist to clap your hands on the sides of your face.
“Yes, one for cupcakes specifically and one for desserts!” She pushes her glasses up with her newly freed hand.
“Goddammit, Janey! How are all my friends so much more successful than me? It ain’t fair.”
“Roxy, you are not one to complain about not being successful. You’re one of the most popular people on YouTube! Besides that, you don’t have to worry about money.” You can sense the meaning behind her words. Your late mother, a famous writer and scientist, left behind a fortune when she died. You and Rose could live comfortably without a day of work for the rest of your lives.
“Very true, but still, I wanna have my own cookbook.”
“What recipes would be in your cookbook? Drink mixes?”
“Ouch, that stings,” you pout and cross your arms exaggeratedly.
“Sorry, I couldn’t help it. That reminds me, where’s your sister? I haven’t seen her around.”
“Who knows, probably off doin’ her sophisticated lady stuffs. We have slightly different audiences, so we spend a lot of the time doing our own thing.”
“Ah, I see. Well, I really should be going now, I have another demonstration in forty minutes and I need to eat lunch. We should definitely get together soon, though.”
“Totes! We could do some more drunk cooking,” you nudge her and wiggle your eyebrows. The name is pretty self explanatory: in the last video you made together, you and Jane got drunk and attempted to make eclaires.
“Um… let’s not,” she said rubbing the back of her neck. Okay, so only you were drunk. It was still a disaster.
“Yeah, I guess I don’t wanna pay for another oven. See you around, Janey.”
“Wait a minute!” She said before I could turn around. She pulled a pen and a slip of paper our of her pocket and began writing something down. “Here’s my hotel room. If you have any problems, any at all, I would be happy to help.” Her voice is heavy with meaning again, and you glance down quickly at the paper before shoving it in your back pocket.
“Thanks, but not necessary. I’m outta rehab and doin’ just fine, Janey. A little confidence would be nice.”
She sighs. “I know, it’s just a precautionary measure. No harm in having a back-up plan, right?”
“Right,” you smile weakly before patting her shoulder and turning away. You know that she’s just trying to help, but you can’t help feeling a little put out. Why can’t she believe you when you tell her you’re better?

Well, whatever. You try to shrug it off, because that’s you! Everything rolls off your back, right?

You continue to wander around, eventually meeting up with another friend, Terezi Pyrope. She’s well known for two reasons:

1) Being one of the only completely blind YouTubers still managing to produce high quality content despite her disability (though sometimes the camera isn’t exactly pointing in the right direction, but they can’t all be perfect).
2) An amazing sense of smell, hearing, touch, and taste that all allowed her to behave completely like a fully sighted human being.

Before you could even say anything to her when you crossed paths, she managed to shout, “do I spy with my little eye… a rogue Roxy Lalonde!” Before sticking her dragon head topped cane underneath her armpit and dragging you into a tight hug, similar to the one you had given Jane earlier, letting you catch a glimpse of her milky eyes beneath her red glasses. The two of you cavorted for a few minutes before parting ways, her slapping your shoulder with a bit too much gusto before tromping off in the opposite direction.

Before you knew it, it was already time for you to meet back up with Rose. You had hit up your peeps, met a crowd of screaming fans, and even bought a new camera. A successful day, if you do say so yourself.

When you reach your meeting spot, you immediately see that there’s somebody else with Rose.

“Yo, nerds.” You address both Rose and Kanaya, receiving a smile in response from the former and a look of dazed confusion from the latter.
“I saw Kanaya around, so we thought that we would get together early to ensure optimal video making hours.”
You wilt for a second, realizing that there is a strong likelihood that you will not be asked to be involved in any of their videos. But as soon as you think of that, you feel an even stronger sense of pride and happiness for your sister. Hell yeah, she’s got a hot babe over making videos with her!
“Fuck yeah, that’s awesome. So I’m assuming that you’ll want me… out of the room? Allll night?” You say suggestively to Rose, wiggling your eyebrows.
“I do not believe that that will be necessary, though I thoroughly appreciate the offer. I just am not under the impression that Rose and I will take that long to produce several videos. Besides that, I am sure that it would not be problematic for you to sit out of frame of the camera as long as you are moderately quiet and respectful of the work space.”
You stare at her for a moment before bursting out laughing along with Rose, who tries to choke down her giggling.
“Oh. Unless that was some kind of sexual innuendo, in which case-”
“It’s okay, Kanaya. We know what you mean.” Rose silences her, still slightly pink in the face.

With that, the three of you leave the convention center and make the short walk back to the hotel, crossing through the lobby and entering the elevator. You immediately notice the instrumental elevator music playing in the background, but you can’t quite place where it’s from.

On the second floor, three boys enter the elevator with you. You share a respectful nod with one of them, a guy you recognize as Dave Strider. The two of you have been introduced, though your communication with him hasn’t progressed much past that.

There is an awkward silence between the six of you, and you feel one of the boys shift uncomfortably next to you. You can’t blame him, the elevator is cramped. Suddenly, he says, “Karkat, doesn’t this song remind you of anything?”
“No.”
“I’m a member of the midnight crew, I’m a night owl and a wise bird, too,” he sings along to the music.
“Home with the milk in the morning, singing the same old song,” you join in.
“Rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun. Early to bed, and you’ll miss all the fun,” the two of you sing, looking at each other. Somewhere in there, Rose joins in as well. “Bring your wife and trouble, it’ll never trouble you. Make her a member of the midnight crew!”
“Oh my god, I thought I would be the only one who recognized the tune!” You say as the three of you stop singing, noticing the stares of Dave, Kanaya, and the third dude, apparently named Karkat.
“It sounds just like the tune of Midnight Crew. All these years since the comic finished and I still get it stuck in my head!” The boy says.
“Tell me about it, brosif. Those were the good ole days.” You grin.
“’Good ole days?!’ That comic sucked ass, it’s art and writing were both equally terrible.” Karkat says, shaking his head.
“Oh, c’mon, Karkat! You loved the comic, remember? You have a million posters for it.”
“Have I ever told you that my past self was a fucking idiot?” He says, crossing his arms.
“Yeah, dude. Every day.”

The Elevator stops and the door opens. “Here’s where we get off!” The kid says before looking at the three of you. “You must be the Lalonde sisters, and you’re Kanaya Maryam! It’s so cool to meet you. I’m John.”
“You’ve got a lovely singing voice, John.” Rose says, and you nod.
“Yeah, pretty sexy hot,” you give him a thumbs up and a wink and he turns slightly pink.
Karkat rolls his eyes. “Yeah, you wouldn’t be saying that if you had to listen to him belt out Adele every morning in the shower.”
John elbows Karkat in the ribs, “I don’t do that! Well… not every morning!”
“What lovely children you get to put up with, Dave.” Rose says. She knows Dave about as well as you do.
“I know, I’m practically singing with glee at the opportunity to babysit these jackasses. Not even singing, I’m doing a whole fucking musical number with absolute joy. We’ll call it ‘Shitting on Broadway: an Analysis of Motherhood and-” Dave was cut off by Karkat grabbing his arm and dragging him out of the closing elevator. All three blurt out a quick goodbye before the doors close and the rest of you are left in silence.
“Well, that was interesting.” Kanaya muses.
“Am I the only one who gets the feeling that that was not the last time we’ll be seeing those boys?” Rose says.
“Yeah, me too,” you nod. “Those are just the kind of weirdos and freakaholics that we always seem to make friends with.”

And as always, the great Roxy Lalonde, is completely, wholly correct.

Chapter Text

>Be John again.

Wow, finally! You were starting to wonder if you were ever going to get the spotlight again.

“That sure was weird, huh?” You say, just barely keeping in toe with the man in front of you. He had thin, gangly legs that gave him a long stride. Karkat was having an even harder time keeping up, having to alternate between a jog and a brisk walk. You could feel annoyance radiating from him, manifesting in a scowl and crossed arms (which looked funny matched with his faltering run), but he said nothing. You supposed that he felt resigned to his fate.
“You’re telling me that. You’re the one who spontaneously burst into song in a packed elevator. If there’s anyone to blame for that oddity, it’s you.”
“Okay, true. But I didn’t expect Roxy and Rose to jump in! They’re practically celebrities.”
He shrugged. “They’re renowned for their strange ass videos, so its not surprising that they’re weirdos. It’s their whole shtick.”
“I guess.”

Dave Strider seemed like quite the weirdo himself. He talked tonelessly and made very little facial expression, his emotion mostly given away by his extravagant hand motions and long, winding ramblings. On top of that, he refused to look in your direction. You couldn’t tell exactly where he was looking beneath his shades, but his head was never turned towards you. Karkat, sure, but not you. Maybe there’s something between your teeth?

“Do you even know where your own hotel room is? We’ve been walking around for ages,” Karkat complains from behind you, his breath slightly labored.
“Chill, man. My room’s just around this corner.”
“Don’t tell me to chill, I know-”
“Karkat, quiet down. There are people in these rooms!” You say, digging between your teeth with your finger. Nope, nothing there! You’re safe.

Dave abruptly stops in front of a door, and Karkat curses as he bumps into you before lapsing into irritated grumbling.
“Welcome to my pad, boys. The magic happens here.” Dave says, pushing open the door and stepping to the side, waving his hands in a ‘voila’ motion.
“Wow, how long have you been here for?” You say.
“Three days.”
“And you’ve already managed to make the room a fucking mess. Great job,” Karkat chimes in sarcastically.

The room is a wreck. Wires are strewn across the floor, a set up tripod is blocking the bathroom, a net book and a laptop are open and running on the table, and an IPad is charging on the floor.

“Karkat,” Dave says earnestly, resting his hand on Karkat’s shoulder, “sometimes there’s beauty in chaos. You just have to learn to see it.”
“Shut up,” he groans, squirming out of Dave’s grip.
“Why are all the sheets on the floor?” You ask, pushing one to the side with your foot.
He shrugs. “Restless sleeper.”
“Whatever, let’s cut to the chase.” Karkat says. “What kind of video are we making here?”
“I don’t know, thought we could just do whatever.” Dave shrugs.
“That’s not a plan! It was your job to decide what we’d be doing,” Karkat scolds.
“Hey,” you interrupt before Dave can reply. “Why don’t we just make a tag video! That way we could learn a little about each other along the way!”

Dave shrugs again and Karkat mutters, “it’s not like we have any better ideas.”
“Okay, so… what tag?” You ask, looking between them for ideas.
“Dave, you must have something. We shouldn’t be expected to do all the work.”
“Fine. I was recently tagged for the ‘15 weird questions’ tag, we can just do that.”

With no objections from you or Karkat, the three of you set up the chairs in front of the tripod and turned it on.
“Sup, guys,” Dave introduces. “Today I’m here with Karkat and John from… what’s the name of your channel again?”
“MidnightcrewGaming.” Karkat says.
“…I thought you said you hated Midnight Crew. You literally just had a temper tantrum in the elevator about it.”
“Shut your ugly assflap, this channel was made almost two years ago. Like I said, my past self was an idiot.”
“Hey, I made this channel, too! I don’t think it’s idiotic.” You frown.
“Whatever,” Karkat rolled his eyes. “Just cut this part out of the video, alright?”
“Yeah, yeah,” Dave says. “Anyway, today we’re doing the ‘15 weird questions tag.’ Let’s start already. Question one… what’s a nickname only your family calls you?”
“My dad was never cool enough to give me a nickname. He called me ‘champ’ a lot, and ‘son.’”
Karkat sighs deeply before saying, “my dad still calls me ‘Kark.’ I don’t fucking know why, it’s horrible.”
“To be fair, you’ve already got a weird ass name,” Dave says.
“No thanks to him.”
“Well, my brother calls me every variation of ‘bro’ that has ever existed. When he’s not referring to me as ‘brotato’ or whatever, he calls me The D-Man, and when I piss him off he calls me The D-Bag.”
“That’s clever, I guess your brother got all the good genes of the family. I think I’ll have to refer to you as The D-Bag forever now.” Karkat says.
“And I’ll be calling you Captain Kark,” Dave snaps back.
“You guys have weird families,” you shake your head.

“Question two, ‘what is a weird habit of yours?’”
“I don’t have any weird habits,” Karkat says.
“Are you kidding me? You have to check to make sure every window and door is locked before you go to bed… twice!”
“That ‘weird habit’ may have saved your life, John! Who knows what kind of murderous asshole could’ve gotten in and killed you in your sleep by now.”
“But nobody can even get in the windows!”
“How do you know that?”
“We live on the 26th floor of an apartment building.”
“Haven’t you ever heard of Spiderman, John? Or ninjas? Either one of those could get in any time,” Dave says reasonably.
“Oh, shut the fuck up, it’s not like you two are perfect,” Karkat mumbles.
“Yeah,” Dave smirks, “apparently John belts out Adele in the shower every morning.”
“Not every morning! But hey, you must have some weird habit.”
“I collect preserved dead animals. People seem to think that’s weird.”
“That’s not weird, that’s disgusting.” You stick your tongue out.
“It’s not gross, it’s cool. But hey, should I call you John, or Adele?”
“No, call him ‘champ.’” Karkat smiles slightly.
“Good one, Captain Kark.”
“Don’t call me that!”

“Question three, ‘any weird phobias?’ Crows. I’m not even ashamed, crows are creepy as shit. Puppets are kinda weird too, but mostly cool.”
“I’m afraid of blood,” Karkat shrugs.
“Well, I-”

Before you can finish, you’re interrupted by a knock on the door. “Don’t turn the camera off, I’ll just cut this out,” Dave says before standing up. He moves to the door and looks through the peephole before opening it to reveal Roxy and Jade.
“Hey, Davey!” Roxy says enthusiastically.
“Hey, uh… what are you two doing here?”
“Jade called me up and said you were filming a video, and we were uber bored, so we just thought we’d drop by!”
“We were wondering if we could join in,” Jade says with a smile, looking over Dave’s shoulder at the two of you.
“Whaddaya say, five person video?”
Dave nods and says, “sure, I guess. Whatever.” Is it just you, or does he sound a tad relieved?

Roxy barges in followed by a slightly more reserved Jade. “So, what are you guys doing?” Jade asks, looking at you and Karkat.
“15 weird questions tag,” you say.
“Das cool, das cool,” Roxy says. “But I have another idea, you know, for after we finish this tag.”
“What is it?” Karkat frowns, his voice cautious.
Roxy takes in a big breath, does a quick drum roll on her thighs, and then says, “the dirty secrets tag!”

Jade grins, but you, Karkat, and Dave look at each other with pursed lips.

This was going to be interesting.

Chapter Text

>Be Dave, the host of this party.

Not that you meant it to be a party. You were planning on bringing the two dumbasses in, speeding through a video, and then sending them out. But now, here’s Roxy and Jade, both of whom you’ve never had more than one or two conversations with, and they’re both extremely enthusiastic about this whole “dirty secrets tag” thing.

You have to admit though, their presence is a relief. A tension that was building up in your stomach throughout the video dissipated as soon as you opened the door, and their bright feminine enthusiasm has given you something else to think about.

“So, what question were you doing?” Jade says squinting through her round glasses at the laptop sitting just beyond your tripod.
“Question three, twelve still left to go.” Karkat replies.
“We might as well just do your tag instead, since you’re here,” John shrugged. “I don’t see the point in finishing it if we just started.”
You shrug and Karkat scowls but says nothing, which you are starting to think of as his way of agreeing.

“Great!” Roxy shouts, rubbing her hands together and grinning evilly. “This is gonna be fun, trust me!” She whips out her phone and then says, “oh yeah, I almost forgot. Yo, I’m Roxy from Frigglishdrunk.”
“I’m Jade, from Jadesquiddles!” Jade interjects, pushing her glasses up and waving at the camera.
“Let’s just get this moving along,” Karkat says with his arms crossed.
“Relax, Karkat, this is going to be fun!” Jade says, elbowing him in the ribs playfully.
“Ow, what the hell?! Why are you elbows so damn pointy?”
“Annnnnyway, the first question is… ‘what was your first cussword?’” She asks, reading off of her phone.

You answer first. “Asshole. I called my brother that when I was eight. He smacked me and then challenged me to a sword fight.”
“Wow, that seems a little harsh. Mine was shit, when I was ten. I said it at school and the teacher called home. Grounded for three days.” John says.
“I don’t remember mine,” Karkat says.
“That’s probably because you’ve been swearing since you were two,” John jokes.
“Cunt!” Roxy jumps in. “IDK why I said it.”
“Fuck,” Jade says. “Probably read it on the Internet somewhere.”

“Next question,” Roxy says. “Who was your first kiss?”
Karkat groans and smacks his forehead with his palm. “Dammit. I knew this question was coming. Fuck. Shit.”
John starts laughing hard, covering his mouth and turning pink. “The good memories, right Karkat?” He says between giggles.
“What are you two talking about?” Jade asked, watching Karkat shake his head violently.
“We were each other’s first kiss,” John grins, gesturing between himself and Karkat.
“Ooooooooooh,” Roxy says. “Now DAT is some juicy gossip! So you two swing on the sausage side?”
“No, I’m not gay, if that’s what you’re asking.” Karkat says. “I don’t know, we were young and experimenting. It was a mistake.”
“C’mon Karkat, don’t tell me it wasn’t the best time of your life!” John punches him in the shoulder.
“John, that one week we dated was the most hellish period of my miserable, godforsaken life. I would rather choke to death on my own vomit and have my corpse eaten by a million hermit crabs than even have to THINK about that time of my life.”
“No, it was fun!”
“You drew a dick on my face when I was sleeping four times,” Karkat spits out.
“That’s not my fault! Everyone knows it’s against the rules to fall asleep before 12:00 AM at a sleepover.”

“Wait, so you’re gay, John?” Jade asks.
“Yeah. Well, I was pretty sure I was bi for a really long time, but now I think that I like the beefcakes too much to be anything other than a flaming homosexual.”

So open. So relaxed. Your spine tingles and your eyes are wide beneath your sunglasses. You feel paralyzed. He’s gay, and he’s free about it. He didn’t look anything other than proud as he announced it to your huge audience.

“My first kiss was some random girl.” You break in, speaking just a little to fast. The whole room looks at you, and you’re met with a brief but painful silence, and you wonder if they could sense that you’re lying.
“Yeah, I dunno who my first kiss was, either.” Roxy replied, finally breaking the tension. “It was in grade three or somethin’, and all I can remember is that his lips tasted like cheerios.” She stuck her finger in her mouth in a gagging motion.
“Wow, look at you, getting tongue action at age eight!” Jade said, genuinely impressed. “Believe it or not, I still haven’t kissed anyone.”
“What?!” Karkat shouts, surprised. “How old are you, twenty? How have you not had your first kiss?”
“Hey, don’t judge. I have high standards, y’know? I won’t kiss just anyone. Besides, my dog doesn’t like most boys he sees.”
“So your dog makes your dating decisions for you?”
She shrugged. “If my dog doesn’t like a boy, I don’t like a boy.”
“Girl, we’re gonna be gettin’ you hooked up as soon as we’re out of here,” Roxy says.
“Fine, but we’re gonna have to run it by Bec first!” She says, only mostly joking.

“Next question, ‘what do you wear to sleep?’” Karkat admits that his sleeping sessions are usually impromptu and he doesn’t even change before sleeping, and Roxy bashfully confessed that she likes to sleep naked whenever it’s warm enough.
“My sleepwear is beautiful,” you say. “You have no idea how many years I’ve spent collecting The Simpson’s underwear… I have like, a thousand pairs of various Homer Simpson pattered briefs and boxers.”
“Bullshit,” John replied, laughing.
“I cherish my underwear. Every night, I stroke Homer’s head on every pair I own, soothing him. I whisper sweet nothings to my underwear, praying and hoping that I will be graced with another pair at the next flea market I go to. My only wish is to complete my collection before ascending to heaven and being greeted by The Simpson’s gods, where they will praise me, their most loyal disciple, before giving me a spot at their couch.”
“You’re a fucking freak,” Karkat says, astounded.
“…But seriously, I have like, three pairs of Simpsons underwear. I don’t even know where they came from.”
“I’d like to see them sometime!” John says, and Jade and Roxy both start to shout “oooooooooh” at the top of their lungs, and you feel like you were just struck by lightning. Then John blushes and says, “whoops! I didn’t mean it like that! I’m just fan of The Simpsons!”

The tag progresses fairly uneventfully after that. Karkat admits that he shit his pants one time many years ago, you have to admit that you’ve seen your brother fucking some random girl he brought home, and Roxy admits that she only wears the prettiest and laciest bras from Victoria’s Secret.

Soon, when the tag is done, they all leave. John makes you promise that you’ll say hi to him, Karkat makes you promise that you’ll never speak to him again, and both Jade and Roxy insist that they’ll find you before the end of the convention.

As soon as they’re gone, you shove your tripod to the side and flop face down on your bed.

“Shit. I screwed up.” You say out loud to your sheets, your voice muffled by the cool linen. “He’s so cute,” you groan, pulling a pillow over your head. His hair is thick, jet black and messy. His eyes are big and watery, a strong azure blue. “Goddammit, his eyes are Google link blue, that’s exactly what colour they are. The colour of Google links… I wanna search his eyes more than I wanna search Google.” You groan again, rolling over on your bed. “Get a hold of yourself, Strider. You’re straight. Definitely straight.”

You think of every time you’ve forced yourself to kiss a girl and hated it. You think of the one time you kissed a boy and liked it. You think of every boy you’ve checked out, every sexual fantasy you’ve had, every time you blushed, every time you felt like yourself, every time you didn’t want to crush the instincts inside of you.

“I’m… gay?”

Then you think of every headline you’ve seen, every neighbour you’ve listened to, every television show you’ve watched. It’s unnatural, it’s unnatural, it’s unnatural.

“No. I’m straight. Straight as a board, as an arrow, as a porn star’s dick.”

You grew up in the south, in Texas. Your brother didn’t talk about sexuality. You know that he was like you, but he didn’t bring it up. He let you believe that it’s wrong. Because that’s what everyone says.

When people found out that you kissed a boy, all you heard was “wrong, wrong, wrong.” Months stretched to years, people wouldn’t lay off. Insulting you, attacking you, harassing you. That’s why you threw yourself into self defense and sword fighting. So that you could fight back. So that you’d stop coming home spitting out blood. You think that’s why your brother was so obsessed with making you strong, too. He was cold, but he cared.

You don’t wanna have to fight to be who you are.

You’re straight, and you’re going to tamp down your feelings for this kid.

Somewhere, deep down, something was reminding you. “You can’t change who you are! Embrace it! Love this boy!”

You want to. You want to talk to him and date him and cuddle him and kiss him. That’s all you want.

But you can’t.

Because you are straight.

Chapter Text

>Be someone we haven’t heard from!

You are now Kanaya Maryam, and you are currently having your eyes poked out by a pretty girl.

“Can you sit still for more than five seconds?” Rose asks, wielding an eyeliner pencil like a weapon and gripping your shoulder.
“I could sit still if you were not so determined to jab my face. You’re going to stab my eye out.” You reply, ducking as she swung the eyeliner towards your head.
“I wouldn’t be stabbing your face if you just stayed still for a moment and let me try,” she complains, touching her blindfold absently.

The two of you are attempting the “blind folded makeup challenge” and the results are… mixed. On one hand, Rose could barely apply lipstick on you without accidentally sticking it in your mouth, let alone bring mascara or eyeliner anywhere near the vicinity of your eyeballs.

But you must say, you are having quite a bit of fun. Despite Rose’s nagging and apparent desire to steal your eyesight, the two of you are both grinning widely as you yell at each other.

“I won’t let you try because you are a danger to my physical health. You’re not even facing the correct direction any more.”
“I’m letting my intuition guide me. Do you not trust my intuition, Kanaya?” She said, voice laced with mock hurt.
“Not at this particular juncture, no.”
“Oh, well I guess you could say that I am not the Seer I thought I was.” She joked, trying to pull you towards her.
You didn’t respond for a moment, and then gasped with realization. “Oh, I get it. That was a pun, referring both to the fact that Seers traditionally rely on intuition to predict future events, and that at this moment, you are blindfolded and not be able to see at all. Yes, that is a delightful way of manipulating the English language to make a humorous joke.”
“My god, you talk incessantly.”
“Yes, well, it’s all I can do as you repeatedly attempt to murder me with my own makeup.”
“If you’re going to be like that, why don’t you try putting the makeup on me with the blindfold? You may be a makeup guru, but I’m sure this will be more difficult than you expect.”
“Fine, pass me the blindfold.”

Rose reached up to the back of her head and untied the purple fabric before passing it to you. You fumbled with it, hands shaking- why are your hands shaking? You’re normally extremely steady handed- before managing to successfully tie it over your eyes.
“Rose, pass me a lipstick,” you say, holding open your hand.
“Hmm, you want me to give you the lipstick? I thought that you were confident that you could do this on your own?” Her voice was smug, and you knew that she was watching you with a snarky smile.
“Fine, I will just get it myself.” You respond, reaching out blindly to the table beside you. You feel around, try to find a lipstick. You grab the first one you feel, recognizing the size and feel of the packaging. “There, now don’t move.”
“You were moving when I was trying to put makeup on you. It only seems fair that I get the same opportunity.”
“If I am too aggressive with my application, you may duck out of the way as I did.”
“Fine,” she says as you reach out towards her.

You feel cool skin on your hands, and your ears heat up. You’re lucky your hands aren’t sweating. “What am I touching?”
“My cheek.”

You move your hand to the right and feel soft hair. “I apologize in advance, but it is required that I find your lips before applying lipstick, obviously, or else I would likely end up confusing your lips with another part of your face, say, the eyelids. Lipstick does not go on the eyelids, so I-”
“It’s fine, Kanaya. Out of the goodness of my heart, I’ll help you with this one. Here.” She takes hold of your wrist and moves your hand to her lips. “That’s where the lips are,” she says, her tone mirthful.

If you weren’t blushing before, you are now. Hopefully the blindfold is covering enough of your cheeks that Rose- and the camera- can’t see it.

Using your seamstress’s dexterity, you uncap the lipstick with one hand and lift it to her lips. Or at least, you think they’re her lips.

From here, your work is mostly silent. You know that it won’t entertain your viewers, but you want to focus on what you’re doing and show Rose that yes, it is possible to apply makeup well when blindfolded. Besides, you can just edit it until it’s entertaining anyway.

“I am not using foundation or blush. I have a much darker skin tone than you, and while I have colours that would suit you, I am not risking picking up the wrong one.” You pause before saying, “unless you wanted to be of assistance and simply pass me the correct colours.”
“Not a chance.”
“I expected as much. In that case, I suppose I am done.” You reach behind your head and clumsily start loosening your blindfold until you can pull it over your head.

Your eyes widen. Her makeup looks almost perfect. You had accidentally put on blue eye shadow when you had intended to use a smokey grey, and it’s too thick, but it still looks good. Her mascara is almost even, and her eyeliner is remarkably symmetrical.

“That looks quite nice,” you say, a bit shocked.
“Really? Pass me the hand mirror.”

You grab the mirror and cringe when you accidentally see the crooked lipstick applied messily by Rose in your reflection. Maybe you should have thought to taken it off before finishing the video.

Rose raises her eyebrows and looks impressed at her reflection. “Hmm, it seems I underestimated you, Kanaya. It looks quite good, even on me. I don’t have a face like yours, but it still isn’t bad.” She looks up and passes the mirror back to you, but you’re at a loss for words.

‘A face like mine?’

“Yes, well, I am an expert. Besides, I think brighter colours look good on you, rather than all the black,” you say.
“What can I say, I like my lipstick to reflect the total darkness and despair that the horrorterrors dwell in.”
“Um, okay,” you respond, baffled. “That is kind of disturbing, but okay. We all use makeup for different regions, I guess.”
She laughs, and then says, “well, I guess that’s it for today, right Kanaya?”
“Yes. Thanks for appearing on my channel, I hope to make another video with you sometime.”
“It would be my pleasure.” Looking at the camera, she says bye and waves before you turn the camera off.

“That was good,” Rose says, idly capping a lipstick.
“I agree. Would you like a bottle of vitamin water?”
“Yes, thank you.”

You nimbly slide between the chairs and make you way to the minibar. “What is your sister doing while we film this? Is she back at your room?”
“I’m not sure, though I suppose she is out somewhere. She said something about meeting up with an old friend of ours.” She replied, taking a bottle from you.
“She seems to be quite attached to you.”
“We are both quite attached to each other. We’ve been through some hard times together.”

You try to keep yourself in check. You are known to be quite the Nosy Nancy, and people frequently complain that you are overly invested in helping to solve other people’s personal problems. You know that it is probably best to change the subject. After all, you don’t want to scare her away or make her feel uncomfortable. But on the other hand, what’s wrong with some friendly conversation?

As casually as you can, you say, “oh? What kind of hard times?”
“Roxy and I were alcoholics for quite some time. We started drinking together. It became excessive and we were out of control,” she muses with a neutral tone. “Also, our mother died not too long ago, and we’ve been spending more time together since then.”
“Oh. I’m sorry, I-”
“It’s fine,” she says, waving you off. “Roxy and I are currently trying to move out of our childhood home together. Too many negative memories.”
“I understand,” you nod sagely, though you don’t really understand. Your life has been absolutely devoid of tragedy. “Well, it is nice to see such a strong bond between siblings, even if it was forged from loss and addiction.”
“I suppose so. How about you, Kanaya? Do you have siblings?”
“Yes, an older sister. We live together as roommates, but I am also currently trying to find a new place to live. Our lifestyles are too different.” It’s true, Porrim is a partier. When she isn’t bringing home sexual partners, she’s at a human rights or green peace protest. You admire her deeply, and she is protective of you, but she is not easy to live with. You can’t stand someone who refuses to wash their own dishes.

You sit in silence for a moment, taking sips of your drink. “Well, I suppose I should be off. I have the Cinnamon Challenge video to edit, and you have this makeup one,” Rose says. The two of you hadn’t preformed the Cinnamon Challenge, of course. You had simply watched over a dozen videos and made a commentary of each one, satirically rating each video on a scale of one to ten based on how well the performer kept the cinnamon in, and the overall production value of the video.

You follow her to the door and try to think of some way to respond. You feel oddly disappointed… you don’t want to see her go, but at the same time, you’re at a loss for words.

“It was nice meeting you, Kanaya.” She reaches out a hand and you shake it. She smiles at you before leaving the room and walking down the hall.

She makes it five steps before you find your tongue. “Wait!” She turns around and you blush, shrinking back slightly. “I’d like to see you again sometime.”

She smiles and walks back to you. “Hm, I was hoping you’d say that. Here.” She pulls a piece of paper and a pen out of her purse and scribbles something down on it. “That’s my cell number, you can text me if you want.”
“Uh, okay.” You stammer, voice weaker than you intended.
“Also… thanks for the makeover.” She says before kissing you on the cheek and walking away.

You put your hand on your cheek and watch her leave, stunned. You’ve never blushed harder your entire life.