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Chapter Text

A True Alpha

Summary: Au, Clarke and Raven live together while finishing up college, and one day Raven gets a call from her alpha Octavia, telling her how her friend Lexa is finally deciding to date again. So a Trans alpha Clarke decides to tag along. trans alpha, omega raven, alpha Lexa, Alpha Clarke, Alpha Octavia. Alpha/alpha A/b/o omegaverse

Author's note: If you like Fin you probably won't like the first chapter. He ends up being a casualty of the story in this fic, like in the show. But I won't mention him by name, and it will only be in this chapter.

Also. because I have had people who didn't know this about me complain about my normal omegaverse stories, not even ones dealing with trans issues, I am trans. I am a transgender woman, so I know what I'm talking about when it comes to trans issues, this is just a story that happens to explore some trans issues.

"Clarke! You are gonna send me into a heat if you don't stop!" Raven yelled from their apartment kitchen as she tossed her fried rice in a large wok.

"You are on suppressants!" Clarke hollered back from the bathroom as she continued to spray the rut cologne all over herself.

"Oh you mean those pills you take to allow yourself to do that once a month without dripping during your classes!?" Raven appeared in the doorway swinging a metal spatula like she was ready to attack.

Clarke growled channeling the inner alpha she wished she had as she glared at her roommate. "If I don't everyone will know! Doctors only prescribe enough to dampen heats, not get rid of them. Plus you said it was ok if I took half of yours. You are on a higher dose anyway... Lucky cunt…" Clarke muttered the end.

"Yeah! And I enjoy heats which is why I'm fine with it. But seriously. I'm gonna need to take more if you are gonna pile it on in the apartment like that. I haven't bonded with Octavia yet so that stuff affects me still." Raven explained.

"Sorry… but you know why this matters to me." Clarke looked away her eyes hollow.

"I know." Raven answered caringly. "Here." Raven opened the medicine cabinet, pulling out her suppressants and handing Clarke one. "You will need it if your gonna be soaked in rut pheromones like that."

"Thanks. I'm already uncomfortably damp." Clarke admitted frustrated with her body.

"Yeah, I'm not surprised. Now imagine without your suppressants! "Raven growled.

"Thank you." Clarke's voice sincere, and guilt-ridden.

"Yeah yeah." Raven dismissed rolling her eyes as she heard her phone ring from her room.

"Betcha that is your alpha calling to make sure you stay away from me." Clarke teased smugger than her stature warranted.

"Yeah yeah!" Raven yelled as she ran to her phone. "She already knows I love you, and that you aren't a threat." Raven added picking up the phone.

"Raven! Your friend! She still likes alphas right?" Octavia asked a little too loud.

"I… I don't know." Raven answered caught off guard.

"You said she fucked your ex!?" Octavia argued.

"So?" Raven sighed.

"So my best friend has finally decided to get back out there and she is liberal enough to not judge." Octavia explained.

"It's more than being liberal. It's respecting who my best friend is." Raven half growled into the phone." I've already explained this to you! She is an alpha."

"Just bring her, the bar by your place in twenty! We already ordered drinks.

" I'm making fried rice." Raven argued.

"You are making fire and smoke!" Clarke yelled as she took the smoldering wok off the stove.

"Fuck. Wait… were you listening in on my conversation?" Raven yelled.

"You are a great friend and I love you for standing up for my identity." Clarke smiled as she popped into the room where Raven stood On the phone.

"Fuck, see you in twenty we are getting ready to go now." Raven sighed.

"Love you!" Octavia cooed into the phone.

"Love You too." Raven growled her heat more and more imminent by the second.

"Clarke go hard on the pheromones again." Octavia questioned quickly catching the familiar growl just before she intended to hang up.

"Yup." Raven growled again glaring at the alpha waiting in her doorway impatient with burned rice.

"Yay! Tell her I said thanks! Love you. See you soon!" Octavia sang.

"Who said I wanted to go?" Clarke teased.

"First, the fact that you listened in and didn't object, second, you are the one that pointed out I ruined my rice." Raven sighed, grabbing the wok and heading to the kitchen to throw it in the sink. "And it's not up to you anymore. You haven't dated since he had his car accident." Raven glowered.

"He lied about being engaged! I need time to recover!" Clarke argued.

"It's been a year. And he was engaged to me!" Raven argued reflexive.

"You know none of that is the real reason." Clarke looked away, for the first time unsure as to whether or not she really wanted to go with Raven to the bar.

"I know." Raven gave her friend a supportive hug.

"No one wants an alpha like me." Clarke held to Raven.

"You don't know that." Raven reassured.

"I do." Clarke began to cry. "He was only driving so fast because I told him the truth of who I am.

"He was an asshole. A cheating bigoted asshole and Octavia says her friend is accepting." Raven comforted, soothing Clarke as best she could.

"Thank you." Clarke sniffled.

"And you owe me for sending me into a damn heat!" Raven teased.

"So if I go we are square?" Clarke smiled hopeful.

"only if you make yourself scarce after the double date. I need the apartment, and I don't plan on being quiet!" Raven offered.

"Deal!" Clarke smiled.

"Now. Get your best alpha makeup on, and even use your packer if you want. We have a double date to go on!" Raven cheered.

End of chapter 1

Chapter Text

Chapter 2

"I can't believe I let you talk me into this!?" Clarke began fidgeting with her crotch.

"You are the one who told me she has been dying to do it for months!" Raven giggled.

"It's so big… it's impossible to ignore!" Clarke growled.

"Yeah. That's the point, most alphas have trouble hiding their bulge when they go into a rut. Hell, I noticed three on the way here that weren't even hiding it." Raven assured opening the door to the bar for Clarke.

"Thanks. I appreciate the suppo-" Clarke was cut off.

"Raven!" Octavia called from the bar, already two or three in.

"Oh god… you are cut off." Raven sighed.

"Clarke right?" Octavia did a good job of attempting to look as if she had instantly sobered up.

"I... Yeah." Clarke looked away, noticing that Octavia had a bulge just as big as her own.

"I would love for you to meet Lexa! LEXA! Yoohoo!" Octavia whistled to Her friend whose attention was locked on some omega, clearly in heat, wearing a tank top more air then cloth.

"Hmm yeah?" Lexa turned around to see Clarke in her comparatively conservative jeans and blouse with the noteworthy bulge and obvious scent of rut. "Well hey there cutie." Lexa's head did a quick nod as she gave a smoldering glare at Clarke.

"I'm an alpha. Not a cutie!" Clarke growled, getting up in Lexa's face suddenly.

Lexa gave a pleased growl as their eyes locked deeply, lexa noticing something different in the alpha's eyes.

"Hey! How about we get a table!" Raven suggested trying to diffuse the situation.

"Yeah, I'd like that." Lexa smiled to Clarke seductive.

"Whatever." Clarke chimed in cold, looking away from the curious alpha's eyes which seemed to see right through her cologne.

"Sounds good, right here guys!" Octavia smiled hoping a kind face could smoothe it all over despite the obvious tension.

"Hey, it's gonna be ok. She was just hitting on you. She likes you." Raven whispered into Clarke's ear, a hand on her back reassuringly.

"That's the problem, she is..." Clarke swallowed." you know... You see it... Sexy... I... You know!" Clarke got flustered, whispering a little louder than she wanted to.

"That's good. Just don't freak out. I know she called you cute, but I don't think she meant it like that." Raven reassured quietly as they approached the table Lexa and Octavia had already taken.

"Thanks. I will try to not be so…" Clarke trailed off.

"Alpha." Raven giggled.

"Yeah..." Clarke sighed as they sat down.

"You ok love?" Octavia asked, grabbing her omega's hand.

"It's been a long day. And someone's rut" Raven glared at Clarke and then Octavia. "Or two someones! Aren't making it any shorter for this omega."

"Mhmm well, whenever you want I'd be happy to take you back home." Octavia offered to glares from both Lexa and Clarke.

"Let's help these two cultivate some conversation first ok love?" Raven raised an eyebrow.

"Thank you Raven" Lexa smiled. "But I'm sure Clarke and I could get along without all that social lubrication..." Lexa licked her lips staring at Clarke.

Clarke audibly swallowed caught in the glare.

"I…i… uugh..." Clarke stumbled.

"How about we Dance for a bit while these two get to know each other. They seem… captivated with each other and I don't wanna hinder that." Octavia's suggestion turned to an order as she grabbed Raven's wrist, pulling her away.

"So..." Clarke looked away.

"I'm sorry." Lexa apologized.

"I… you're what?" Clarke did a double take confused, sure this is the first time she saw an alpha apologize.

"Most of the alphas I've met are more into testing each other's dominance by saying stuff like that. But I understand it made you uncomfortable. So I'm sorry." Lexa scooted closer to Clarke in the U shaped booth.

"I... Thank you." Clarke blushed, flattered that the alpha cared more about her comfort than dominance. "I… do you date other alpha's frequently?" Clarke asked hesitant, scared, but excited.

"Almost exclusively. It's honestly why I was so comfortable in being so forward. Especially all the alpha women I've been with enjoy that teasing, give it as good as they get and such." Lexa explained.

"I... This is my first time doing anything like this." Clarke looked away, glancing back each moment faster and faster as Lexa continued to approach her.

"Stop me if I get too close." Lexa smiled knowingly.

"I will." Clarke swallowed hesitant, wishing she had taken another suppressant. She had really overdone it with the cologne.

"You smell delightful. Different from all the other alphas I've scented before. It's captivating." Lexa explained as if it made her ever closing proximity normal.

"I... I do?" Clarke stammered, relaxing in her seat. Opening her arms, inviting the interested alpha.

"You... Do..." Lexa's hand hit Clarke's thigh, closer to knee than anything else, innocent enough, but obvious that she wanted it to be anything but innocent.

"I... Oh god…" Clarke gasped as Lexa's hand retracted immediately.

"I'm sorry. Your scent. It was sweet. I thought you liked me getting closer." Lexa apologized scooting away.

"I do... I… I did. You are ok. I... I liked it." Clarke began to pant, her core now soaked, her heart racing.

"Are you sure. You look... Stressed… worried." Lexa acknowledged hesitant, trying not to make Clarke uncomfortable.

"I'm good... Just my h-" Clarke caught herself." rutting... I… m… I'm rutting!" Clarke stammered, knowing that Lexa already knew, but still not wanting to acknowledge the reality of her body.

"I know." Lexa licked her lips. "It smells great. I'm dying to know what you would smell like down there." Lexa dropped her vocal register, her voice taunting, feeling like an auditory equivalent of her silver tongue slipping against Clarke's aching core.

"I... Ohhh… Lexa... We… we are in public..." Clarke averted her gaze once more, panting, trying to hide the obvious signs of a heat somehow welling up within her despite the extra dose of suppressants. "Fuck..." Clarke sighed under her breath hating her own body now more than ever.

"Muttering that under your breath the second after you remind me we are in public?" Lexa taunted, returning her hand to Clark's thigh.

"God..." Clarke whispered the word a prayer.

"I'd love to hear you say that with a different inflection." Lexa taunted, her hand slipping farther up.

"I... S..." Clarke wasn't sure what she wanted any more. She craved deeply for Lexa already, but something in her felt weary, as if a shoe was about to drop.

"Stop?" Lexa's hand paused immediately.

"Don't… stop" the words fought the way through Clarke's lips.

"of course!" Lexa forfeited the slow pace and allowed her hand to find the bulge that she hadn't been able to get out of her mind all night so far.

Clarke gasped, bucking into the pressure she could feel through her packer, caught In her self, lost in need, craving for the alpha next to her to press her down, take her, despite the biology she had, she didn't care, she wanted lexa, anyway she could have her.

"I..." Lexa gripped the fake phallus. "Clarke?"

"Ohh..." Clarke moaned.

"Clarke… your cock..." Lexa paused." I… what's going on."

"I..." Clarke pulled away realizing it..." you didn't know!?" Clarke gasped.

"Know what? Have a tragic dick related incident? Or something." Lexa pause seeing the horror on Clarke's face. "Fuck! I'm so so sorry! That was really insensitive. It's ok. I don't mind. I promise. I'm so sorry. Your body is entirely valid no matter what happened. No matter who you are." Lexa explained.

"I..." Clarke stammered.

"I'm so sorry. Whatever it is. You are safe here. No judgment. I promise." Lexa promised.

"You are really nice..." Clarke looked away, hesitant and worried.

"I try. I'm sorry if I said something not ok." Lexa apologized again.

"I... I am an alpha!" Clarke declared overcompensating.

"Well duh. You reek of rut." Lexa rolled her eyes.

"I… well… that isn't me."

"Wha?" Lexa raised an eyebrow.

"It's my cologne." Clarke expanded.

"I don't understand."

"I'm actually entering a heat right now." Clarke brought her hands up defensive worried that she would be attacked.

"Clarke..." Lexa sighed understanding for the first time.

"I... I thought Octavia told you." Clarke tried to explain.

"She didn't because it wasn't any of my business. That is incredibly personal. Also, it explains your sweet scent. I don't usually like the scent of heats… I know it's uncommon for an alpha but..." Lexa trailed off shrugging. "There's only one omega's heat I've liked."

"I… thank you. That is actually really nice of you." Clarke allowed herself to look to Lexa, the alpha's eyes full of understanding sympathy. It was then that it clicked for Clarke. Lexa was an alpha that liked alphas. She must be accustomed to bigotry, sideways looks, people calling her slurs.

"I'm sorry you had to fear I would react poorly." Lexa offered the words of kindness.

"I... Thank you." Clarke smiled relaxing.

"Of course. And I want you to know. I don't care what dynamic you are. I have been with alphas, omegas, and betas. I admit I've never been with a trans dynamic person. But. I'm not against it. And you do still smell great. Are you open to continuing this?" Lexa inquired.

"I would like that. But Maybe we go a bit slower tho?"

" Oh... Yeah sorry. I... I don't know what happened to me, it all just got away from me. I... Your scent… the way you... The way you reacted to me. I didn't want to stop." Lexa admitted.

"I didn't either. But I am in a heat now." Clark sighed frustrated. "I... I don't wanna make any lifelong mistakes."

"I won't do anything you don't want. I promise." Lexa assured.

"Thank you."

"So... Are you ok?" Lexa checked in.

"I… I'm rattled. I... Can't believe I passed as a Normal alpha.!" Clarke smiled.

"You pass really well. and you make a sexy alpha." Lexa growled playfully.

"I… ohhh..." Clarke moaned.

"I... Oh sorry. I... I didn't know." Lexa whispered feeling guilty.

"I... Only get heats once in a year or two after I started taking more suppressants. So when they come. It's bad." Clarke explained.

"Do you need to go home?" Lexa offered.

"Probably." Clarke admitted. "Oh fuck! "

"What's wrong?"

"I promised Raven the apartment tonight." Clarke's head dropped in frustration hitting the table.

"Hey hey. Clarke its ok. How about this. Come to my place. I live alone. I have a guest room. And I will watch over you during your rut." Lexa offered the name switch hoping it would comfort Clarke.

"Thank you." Clarke hugged Lexa suddenly.

"Of course. My cousin liked it when I called his heats ruts. And as far as I care it's all the same thing. It's just a person biologically driven to hump their brains out." Lexa chuckled.

"Yeah..." Clarke chuckled too.

"Sooo how are you two doing! You seem close!" Raven smiled as she checked in on them, Octavia behind her, grinding herself against the omega, clearly in a rut."

"Yeah. You two can go hump your brains out." Clarke smiled giving raven permission to leave them.

"Thank you!" Octavia sang happily. "You good Lexa."

"Yeah, I'm good." Lexa smiled. "Have your fun."

"Oh... Octavia..." Clarke caught their attention just as they were about to head off. "Thank you. I appreciate you not sharing my secret. And FYI Lexa has been nothing less than perfect about it." Clarke thanked.

"Of course. No problem. I swear I'm not as ignorant as this one makes me out to be!" Octavia bucked into Raven, causing the omega to whimper aching for her alpha.

"Get me to my place now! I'm gonna take your whole fucking knot so fucking hard." Raven growled pleased with her lover and how supportive she had been to her friend.

"Of course love. Let's go."

"See ya!" Clarke and lexa called together watching their friends head out.

"So I have heating pads, pillows, blankets, and water to keep down the cramping better than beer back at my place. You wanna get out of here?" Lexa offered.

"That sounds nice, but... What are you expecting us to do once we get there?" Clarke asked unsure what to do or say.

"What do you want to do. I am expecting me to do whatever you are comfortable with. If you want me to help with your rut. That's fine. If you just need the place to crash for the night, that's also fine. And I'm ok with anything in between too." Lexa offered.

"How about... If I ask for it. You can help me through it. But your pants stay on the whole time no matter what." Clarke suggested.

"That works fine for me."

"Thank you." Clarke gave Lexa a quick kiss on the cheek before they headed out.

End of chapter 2

Chapter Text

Chapter 3

"Sorry, the place isn't too tidy." Lexa apologized, knowing she had let her standards of cleanliness slip in the past couple years.

"It's not that bad. Raven and my place gets worse than this five minutes after we clean." Clarke admitted honestly, surprised that someone else considered it untidy.

"Thanks." Lexa smiled softly watching Clarke fidget full of hesitation and uncertainty. "You ok?"

"I..." Clarke drifted uncomfortable in admitting her inner conflict as her hands rose and fell repeatedly, clearly wishing to do something.

"Clarke?" Lexa's voice gentle and caring.

"I… don't... Not like that." Clarke squeaked. Lexa looked to Clarke, eyebrow cocked, face shifted to show her confusion.

"Sorry. I... Just please don't say my name like that." Clarke gave some clarification but not enough.

"I'm sorry Clarke, but I don't understand, are you ok?" Lexa slipped into the same gentle caring, soothing register as earlier.

"I…" Clarke swallowed down the need for a moment, despising her heat, her biology for making her this way. "That... Tone... The… care… in your voice." Clarke stammered.

"Ohhh!" Lexa realized, her face lighting up, almost proud of herself. "I get it! Sorry. Didn't know… soo… what is a better tone? I don't wanna make it worse."

"That is good. I... Just that tone made me… want to... Submit. To you." Clarke admitted completely.

"I figured it out eventually. And I understand why that can be … less than fun." Lexa nodded.

"Yeah… try infuriating." Clarke did her best alpha huff.

"It's gonna-" Lexa caught herself, knowing that comforting words such as 'its gonna be ok' would only exacerbate the issue.

"Thank you." Clarke smiled knowing what had just gone through the other alpha's mind. "So. I know a couch isn't normally the best place to rut. But. Mine is actually rather nice, and we can watch something while your rut fully sets in." Lexa suggested gesturing to the couch in her living room.

"That sounds really nice." Clarke smiled softly, meandering over to the couch where she did her best to plop down and present herself dominantly. Clarke spread her legs, arms draped along the back of the couch and its arm.

Lexa sat down on the other side of the couch, a seat between them, grabbing the remote and presenting it to Clarke with a bow of her head. "Your choice." the two words held the weight of a thousand between them. Lexa knowingly made her actions in a submissive nature. Clarke was unsure whether or not Lexa's actions were from a place of honest intent to submit, or to satiate some part of her and nothing more. This doubt almost left Clarke more frustrated than anything. She didn't wish to be patronized. She wanted someone who actually wished to submit to her.

Either way, Clarke pushed aside her doubts, reaching out, stroking the side of Lexa's face with one hand as she took the remote with another. "Good girl." Clarke praised, growling satisfied as she did.

Lexa pushed her face against Clarke's hand, enjoying the grace of the other woman's soft warm palm. Lexa felt her body sing with the appreciation as a hum escaped her. "T... Thank you..." Lexa's voice surprised even herself a touch. She had submitted in the past occasionally, enjoying it more than the average alpha, but never craving it. Not like she did now, not the way her voice reflected.

Although the words couldn't have been more sincere, they didn't sound that way to Clarke. The fear, doubt, and stress brought on by her dysphoria and her heat misconstrued the words. "I don't need you to patronize me." Clarke growled frustrated, looking away again, something it seemed as if she had the Patton on at this point.

"I..." Lexa's voice caught in her throat. "I wasn't."

"Oh please. I've heard alpha porn stars do a more convincing submission." Clark growled shifting to get up from the couch.

"Please." Lexa's voice almost a beg. "You don't have to leave. I promise I wasn't faking it." Lexa promised, grabbing Clarke's hand weakly, just enough to assure Clarke that she wished for her to stay.

"I… Really?" Clarke turned back.

"Really." Lexa assured.

"But your an alpha." Clarke questioned without even thinking.

"And so are you." Lexa reminded.

"I..." Clarke stammered caught in her own words. But touched that Lexa would reassure her so unquestionably.

"Alphas can enjoy submitting to other alphas." Lexa explained the words Clarke already knew. But never realized could ever apply to her in anything other than her most affirming of dreams.

"And you?" Clarke sat back down completely, looking to Lexa, hopeful but guarded.

"I think you are sexy and confident. And I think I don't wanna push another alpha to go farther than she is ready to go. Especially when I'm probably the first alpha she has been within this context." Lexa answered.

"Thank you. You are very caring." Clarke relaxed a little, stretching her hand out to the other woman, who again rubbed her cheek against the warm inviting palm.

Lexa hummed thankful, enjoying the warm gentle skin on hers, the skin all over her body tight in anticipation, tingling slightly in excitement.

"You are very cute." Clarke smiled, allowing her free hand to come over and scratch behind Lexa's ear, earning a deep purr.

"I... Thank you..." Lexa stumbled out between purrs.

"Come here, rest your head on my lap." Clarke coaxed gently, feeling her whole body flush, her core wetter than she would like.

"Yes alpha..." Lexa crawled closer to Clarke, gently placing her head upon Clarke, giggling at the squish of the packer that still rested between Clarke's legs.

"Comfy?" Clarke followed up with a pleased growl.

"Verry much. Thank you." Lexa rubbed her head softly against Clarke, knowing it would press the packer into Clarke's core.

"Ohhh… you learned a trick didn't you." Clarke chuckled back.

"You like it. I can tell from your scent. Even though your cologne. Your scent is strong." Lexa reveled in the scent that underlaid the artificial one.

"I take as many suppressants as I can to try to hide that." Clarke admitted unhappily.

"I didn't mean strong like thick. I meant strong. Like an alpha's. I'm sure you don't think it that way. But it's there. It's strong. It wants me to know. To feel comfortable against you." Lexa explained, her voice gentle, vulnerable.

"Thank you." Clarke whispered as she allowed one of her hands to run through Lexa's soft hair. "So what do you like to watch?"

"I honestly just watch cooking shows." Lexa admitted.

"I'm more than up for some food network." Clarke agreed, clicking the tv on as a random food competition began to play.

"So." Clarke filled the empty space with the first word that came to her.

"Yes Clarke?" Lexa turned to her attentive.

"Octavia said you had just finally decided to get back out there." Clark lead. "What happened?"

"My wife died. She was assaulted coming home one night she died from her wounds some couple days later." Lexa pressed her head against Clarke needing the support of another person, warm, breathing, alive.

"I… oh god…" Clarke's mouth dropped hating that she had asked. "I'm so sorry."

"It's ok. It's in the past. I loved her. But she is gone." Lexa reminded herself of the last part.

"Lexa..." Clarke mouthed hollow.

"C... Can I hug you?" Lexa looked up to Clarke.

"Of course girl." Clarke pulled lexa up, into her lap, pulling her torso close to her own. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked." Clarke apologized hugging Lexa close.

"You didn't know. It's ok. I'm ok. It's… just been a long time since. Since I've done this. Since I've... Held someone, been held, touched more than a handshake." Lexa admitted, holding Clarke back.

"It's ok. I understand. My last partner. He was an Alpha. When I told him who I was. Who I wanted to be. He speed off to go see the woman he was engaged to, that I didn't know existed. He died in a crash on the way there. I understand having the person you love suddenly disappear. Gone. Nothing left. No one to hold." Clarke whispered back, feeling Lexa hold her tighter as she did the same.

They spent a not insignificant amount of time there. Together. Empathizing with each other. Knowing the other's pain. Stuck in a hug, a promise that neither would live that pain again. Lexa eventually let go first. She took a moment, allowing them to look each other in the eyes, to ensure that they were both ok, and to ensure they both wished to continue this. "Are you ok?" Lexa asked first.

"Yeah. You?"

"Yeah." Lexa confirmed.

"Good." Clarke smiled, allowing lexa to return to resting her head in her lap.

"He was an asshole. I can't believe he would be upset because of who you are." Lexa added.

"Yeah, he was." Clarke laughed.

"I'm sorry it happened. But I'm glad you are away from someone that. Who wouldn't accept you?" Lexa nuzzled Clarke.

"Lexa?" Clarke asked.

"Yeah."

"You really accept me?" Clarke followed up.

"Of course I do. Clarke." Lexa sat up. "Clarke. I don't know you well. But I know you are an alpha. Of that I'm certain. And I wouldn't ever see you any other way." Lexa declared.

Clarke backed up, worried she knew where this would go. "Doesn't mean I'm an alpha worth being with… in this body... Heats instead -" Clarke was cut off by Lexa's lips on her own.

"No." Lexa demanded, for the first time truly dominant with Clarke.

"Lexa." Clarke whispered caught off guard.

"You are worth. And I know where you were going. Don't think I don't. You don't need a fucking cock to be an alpha. You don't need ruts. You can be dominant in a heat. Hell, you can be getting stuffed by an alpha, begging for more and it doesn't for a moment make you any less an alpha. You are who you are." Lexa caressed Clarke's cheek, watching the tears form and fall.

"Thank you." Clarke mouthed, knowing if she actually spoke it would devolve into sobs.

"Nothing to thank me for Clarke. And I don't know what this will be. I don't know if we will ever go any farther than this. Then a kiss after I rested my head in your lap. But whatever this is. Even if its nothing more than this. Octavia has my number. She will always give it to you if you want it. And I will always be happy to remind you that you are who you are." Lexa assured.

"Thank you." Clarke found her voice. "How... How did you come to understand how... How to say just the right thing?" Clarke asked.

Lexa looked down for a moment. "He would keel over If he could have heard you say that." Lexa chuckled somber.

"Lexa?"

"My cousin? I told you about him?" Lexa reminded.

"Yeah. I think so." Clarke nodded.

"He killed himself a little after I and our whole family didn't accept him. He was closest to me. I tried my best. But I just didn't get it at first. And... Then there wasn't a second. So... I spent a lot of time after his death learning never to make the same mistakes." Lexa explained, remorse clearly threatening to drown her in between each word.

"Lexa... I'm so sorry." Clarke gasped, clutching Lexa close in a hug.

"It's ok. That happened much longer ago. I was only fourteen or fifteen. I hadn't even presented yet. And I've healed. Moved past it." Lexa explained. "I'm ok. It's ok."

"I'm sorry you had to endure so much." Clarke sympathized.

"I'm ok. And I'm glad I can now be wise enough to help you today." Lexa assured.

"You are helping. A lot." Clarke confirmed.

"I'm glad." Lexa smiled. "You look tired." Lexa added.

"Exhausted." Clarke answered.

"Suppressants?"

"Yup!" Clarke sighed.

"You can take my bed if you want." Lexa offered. "I honestly love this couch and fall asleep on it once a month anyway."

"I..." Clarke stuttered.

"Yes Clarke?" Lexa replied.

"Can we share the bed? No strings. No sex. For now at least." Clarke suggested.

"That sounds nice. I would like that." Lexa nodded.

"Thank you Lexa." Clarke hugged her again tighter.

"Clarke?" Lexa asked.

"Yes." Clarke paused unsure what was next.

"what if I want strings?" Lexa proceeded cautiously.

"I would like that." Clarke smiled and nodded.

"May I kiss you, my alpha?" the words meaning so much more as they left Lexa's lips.

"Yes my alpha. I would adore that."

Lexa moved swiftly and kissed Clarke, deeply, surprising both of them as they fell back on the couch. Lexa spread her legs over Clarke's core, rolling herself onto Clarke's packer as she kissed the alpha deeply. "Sorry, I… just needed to try that." Lexa pulled back, out of breath, her core aching and wet for the other alpha.

"It…" Clarke panted tired, aching and having trouble catching her breath. "Was... Amazing... B… but I'm... Tired..."

"Bed now, continue tomorrow." Lexa suggested.

"Sounds good."

End of chapter 3

Chapter Text

Chapter 4

Lexa woke to Clarke wrapped around her. Clarke had entangled her legs around one of Lexa's, currently rolling her hips against Lexa's thigh, giving soft and gentle whimpers as she did. One of Clarke's arms was wrapped under Lexa, holding onto the other alpha's hip. Lexa chuckled pleasantly as she looked down to see Clarke's head resting upon her left breast, and her free hand on her right, cupping it, squeezing it gently, pleasurably. "Oh... Fuck Clarke." Lexa gasped unsure if the woman grabbing at her was awake or not.

Clarke In Fact still asleep, moaned more, her hips speeding up along with her hand, caught in the sweetest of dreams. "M… mine..." Clarke growled in her sleep, plunging her cock deep inside a screaming Lexa in her dreams.

"I… Clarke." Lexa could smell Clarke's scent, unhindered by the cologne now. "Oh, God..." Lexa moaned, feeling herself stir for the omega pheromones.

Clarke's dreams feed off of the noises Lexa made under her, dreaming the woman under her, full of her pounding cock cried out for her, craving her release. "Your pussy… feels soooo good..." Clarke growled, bucking her hips hard as she began to wake, her jeans and panties soaked with slick. Clarke half awake half asleep, found Lexa's peak under her mouth through her shirt, licking at the pert nipple, groping Lexa's other breast even more, dominantly squeezing it in her hand, needing it with her palm almost painfully for Lexa.

"Clarke!" Lexa screamed, pain encroaching on the pleasure in just the best way. Lexa bucked her hips, feeling her clit swell, pressing against the jeans she wore still from last night. "D… damnit..." Lexa growled fidgeting with her skinny jeans, trying to release her swelling cock from the torturously tight trousers.

"Mhmm good girl… cum for me…" Clarke growled pleased, cumming herself, wetting her core even more.

"Clarke… wake up." Lexa nudged her, trying to escape her grasp, not wanting to upset Clarke, especially if she was about to have a pounding hard on standing to attention.

"I... Oh god. " Clarke realized what she had done as she awoke further.

"M… morning." Lexa panted attempting to calm her still growing cock. "Are you ok? You sounded like you were having a great dream." Lexa chuckled.

"Oh God. Lexa. I'm so sorry... I shouldn't have touched you like that without talking to you about it first." Clarke recoiled.

"Clarke!" Lexa exclaimed worried for the other woman.

"Fuck. Lexa, I'm so sorry." Clarke echoed.

"I liked it. A little too much for these damn skinny jeans. But I liked it." Lexa smiled, still fidgeting with her jeans.

"Oh god. Ummm that looks painful." Clarke eyed the stiff outline of Lexa's hard cock fighting her jeans with a stuck zipper.

"It's not pleasant." Lexa groaned finally freeing herself as the zipper moved. "Fucking Christ that's better." Lexa sighed relieved.

Clarke's gaze was caught immediately by the member, long and hard, perfectly pristine, pounding pinkish red and angry, aching to be buried deep within her, to fill her, to satiate her heat. Clarke swallowed, her eyeline unwavering, caught and pulled in by Lexa's hardness.

"You like?" Lexa chuckled.

"I adore… I crave..." Clarke whimpered.

Lexa's eyes flashed with a delicious idea, both to satiate herself, and to appease Clarke and to comfort her. "M… my alpha... I... It aches for you..." Lexa whimpered, allowing herself to fall into a more and more submissive headspace.

"Are you sure you want this?" Clarke looked back to Lexa as she moved closer on all fours towards the alluring member.

"Need it... Need to feel you... Around me." Lexa whimpered, pressing her head back into the pillow, craving for the other alpha to alleviate the pain of her pounding cock, to press her down into the bed and take her into her mouth.

"Ohh… such a good girl asking for her alpha to help." Clarke praised, her hand dominantly pressing down on Lexa's belly as she moved on top of Lexa, taking the tip into her mouth, swirling her tongue along it, enjoying as Lexa squirmed under her.

"Oh god! Clarke!" Lexa whimpered, her hips rising to meet Clarke's tongue and lips. Lexa's hand slammed down upon the back of Clarke's leg, clutching to her desperately.

"Good girl." Clarke praised pulling back from the phallus which was weeping for her. Clarke licked her lips smiling, enjoying Lexa's panting and whimpers under her.

"C… Clarke!" Lexa panted heavier, her flesh beginning to burn, her knot threatening to form.

"Yes?" Clarke drew a finger up the underside of Lexa's cock, intentionally driving the alpha crazy.

"Please! M... My alpha…" Lexa could feel herself begrudgingly submit farther than she intended, her alpha pride sore at the request. "Such a good girl. Asking for my mouth just right." Clarke lowered herself, taking her mouth to the side of Lexa's length, licking up its side, her tongue and lips sucking teasingly at Lexa.

"C... Clarke. I… it hurts. Please." Lexa released her death grip on Clarke's leg.

"Yes, my girl. I will take care of you." Clarke assured, rubbing her hand over Lexa's tight core. Clarke then allowed herself to lower her already salivating mouth, consumed by the heady scent of Lexa's pheromones. Clarke slipped her mouth onto Lexa's head, taking her in inch by inch. Each second Clarke grew closer and closer to the marvelous scent of Lexa, where it was strongest. Clarke felt her heart pump faster and faster as she enjoyed the moans and gasps Lexa made for her. Clarke felt herself take Lexa past the back of her mouth, slowly down into her throat, a mix of excitement, ache, and pleasure filled her. "Lexa" Clarke moaned onto Lexa's cock, causing Lexa to arch in deep pleasure as Clarke's lips met her pelvis.

Clarke then began to pull back, allowing the vacuum she knew alphas loved to form around Lexa's member, coaxing forward the alpha's climax, repeating the process again and again.

"Ohhh, Clarke! I… I'm… c... Close..." Lexa moaned, weak, her body in control of her words and actions, her mind overwhelmed.

"Not yet. Not until I say." Clarke managed to order in between dives onto Lexa's cock.

"I… can't... Control… it..."Lexa whimpered, not wanting to disobey.

Clarke knew just how to fix that issue, she adjusted her speed, slowing down tauntingly, knowing the excruciating edging pain it would give Lexa, and delighting in the noises Lexa made confirming Clarke's hypothesis. Clarke continued alternating slow and fast, intentionally starving Lexa of release, enjoying each and every moment that she had control of the alpha.

"Cla... Clarke…" Lexa panted, her climax ever more eminent despite the reduced speed after many cycles.

Clarke, ever more used to taking Lexa deeply down her throat after almost thirty minutes of slowly pleasuring the alpha under her allowed the pounding cock to slip from her mouth momentarily. "Cum for me. Let me drink you in." Clarke ordered gently, replacing the cock in her mouth.

Lexa wanted to contest the order, to remind Clarke that her knot may pop, splitting her flesh if she were to cum now. But she knew she was too far gone, her whole body feeling as if she was floating in the sea, gentle waves overturning any order she may have attempted to make to her own body. She was gone, consumed by the pleasure, her whole body lightheaded from her persistent panting and moans. Instead of fighting Lexa gave in, accepting the pleasure Clarke gave her, feeling her whole core tense extremely, tighter than she thought possible, before the floodgates finally released, her lower body shaking, the pent up energy needing to escape, the endorphins flooding her, drowning her pleasurably. Clarke swallowed all of Lexa, delighting in the slightly sweet taste of the other woman, removing her mouth with a large gulp, the sticky feel of semen still sticking to the back of her throat in a way she didn't dislike.

"C... Clarke..." Lexa felt immense relief as her cock began to deflate instead of swelling even more, splitting her base as she feared.

"Mhmm someone was a very good girl." Clarke praised Lexa with a smile, shifting to rest her head on Lexa's chest.

"Fuck… t… thank you m... My alpha." Lexa panted.

"I'm glad you enjoyed." Clarke kissed Lexa's cheek. "Now is my girl too tired to help me out now?" Clarke smiled devious.

"I... Clarke... Oh... God." Lexa sighed still trying to catch her breath.

"Someone having trouble collecting herself." Clarke teased, moving to kiss Lexa.

"Y... Yeah." Lexa sighed.

"If you wish, once you catch your breath, I will let you taste me. Lap up the slick that pooled between my legs while I swallowed your aching dick whole." Clarke offered teasingly.

"Fuck… Clarke..." Lexa sighed, her cock stirring once more, coming to more and more from her dazed state, no longer passively taking in Clarke's scent. Lexa now took each breath with deliberate intent, taking in every nuance of Clarke's heat pheromones. Lexa was fully awoken after only a few breaths, her nose suddenly at Clarke's neck, breathing in deep, her hands at Clarke's core, trying to remove the soaked jeans that blocked her access to her alpha's core.

"Good girl!" Clarke growled, grabbing Lexa's ass.

"Clarke…" Lexa paused. "Smell sooo good." Lexa moaned, lost in Clarke like catnip, now licking and sucking at Clarke's neck, just above her scent glands.

"Such a good girl." Clarke growled pleased resting against the pillows as Lexa continued completely focused on pleasing her Alpha's neck.

"Clarke..." Lexa whispered her name craving the other alpha's pleasure deeply, but unsure how to proceed.

"Yes, Lexa? Have you forgotten your task?" Clarke taunted.

"I… Clarke. Your packer. what do you want to do with it?" Lexa asked hesitant, knowing it might be a more than sensitive topic.

"Oh fuck. Sorry." Clarke immediately felt insecure and frustrated.

"Clarke. Nothing to be sorry for. I just want to please my alpha." Lexa comforted with softer loving kisses to Clarke's neck.

"I..." Clarke fidgeted, trying to remove the fancy boxer briefs she had purchased to hold her packer. "Fuck!" Clarke growled.

"What's wrong?" Lexa brushed a hand over Clarke's chest trying to calm her.

"I… it won't come off." Clarke's groan died out into a whimper that she despised herself for making.

"What?" Lexa questioned confused.

"My fucking underwear!" Clarke growled again furious, trying to compensate for her whimper.

"What happened?" Lexa asked again.

"I don't know!" I bought it to hold the packer. But… uugh! It's stuck! It's like it shrunk three fucking sizes!" Clarke fidgeted, making little headway.

"Let me help hun." Lexa offered, turning around on the bed, to see what was wrong with the boxer briefs. Lexa could feel the thick concentrated scent hit her almost immediately, the underwear almost completely soaked with Clarke's slick. Clarke's wonderful delicious slick Lexa thought to herself, knowing that the slick was indicative of how badly Clarke must be aching to be filled, to take her hard cock deep inside her, to finally let her knot pop inside of the sexy little alpha. Lexa adored how Clarke's sexy wide hips fidgeted on the bed, on some level she knew it was just the underwear, but in her head, it was Clarke writhing in ache, desperate for release. Lexa imagined watching on for hours as she let Clarke's ache build, stroking her cock slowly in front of her, making her watch as she pleasured herself and Clarke was made to watch upon her, nothing she could do to relieve the burning ache to be filled, but to writhe in place. Lexa moaned caught in her own mind, taking it all in, captivated. "You smell so good Clarke…" Lexa cooed, her goal lost to her until she got a forceful nudge from Clarke. "Lexa. Focus. You can't do anything to me while these are still stuck." Clarke reminded.

Lexa moaned deeply at the thought.

"Lexa!" Clarke yelled exhausted, frustrated and damp.

"I… oh. I… I'm sorry Clarke." Lexa apologized looking away.

"Please help." Clarke whimpered.

Lexa caught her self, wishing to make a taunting comment, and to play with Clarke, but knowing that she wasn't up for that. "On it. I'm sorry Clarke." Lexa nodded, pulling with Clarke as she realized what had gone wrong, laughing slightly as they made more and more headway.

"What!?" Clarke half roared furiously at the laughter.

"It's dry clean only." Lexa couldn't contain herself anymore as she laughed.

"Oh my god." Clarke's head dropped back defeated as Lexa worked the shrunken underwear the rest of the way off of Clarke, seeing how tight it was, and realizing that it would probably have been extremely painful if Clarke hadn't already been in the pain of heat. Lexa kissed just above Clarke's pubic region apologetically, as if to forgive the irritated flesh.

Lexa watched as Clarke's chest repeatedly rose and fell before hearing it, the soft sobs of the woman next to her. "Clarke?" Lexa asked worried.

Clarke just shook her head back and forth, her successive sobs almost silent.

"Clarke." Lexa sighed.

Clarke remained unresponsive.

"Hey. Clarke. Look at me." Lexa didn't demand as her first instinct was. Instead, she laid next to Clarke, resting her head on the same pillow with the other woman, speaking with nothing but care and concern.

Clarke turned her head to see Lexa's deep caring eyes.

Lexa watched back, her heartbreaking at each tear she watched fall from Clarke's face.

Clarke paused for a moment caught in the silence, as her thoughts went stale and spoiled in her own head. "W-what now!? What!? Are you gonna tell me alphas don't cry!? That I'm weak and undeserving of being an alpha!? B-because you are right! I'm a weak alpha!" Clarke yelled as the tears came even faster.

Lexa layed there, next to Clarke, waiting. Knowing Clarke would work herself up and finally get to cry it out. Lexa steeled herself, watching, knowing what was to happen, confident it was what would be best for the other alpha, that processing these emotions would be better than suppressing them. Even certain it was what would be best, watching it, watching the pain Clarke felt, the doubt, self-loathing. It broke her heart more and more with each passing moment. Lexa felt herself already so far gone for this woman she had known for a matter of hours. Seeing her in any pain was disheartening. But this pain. The pain her cousin had felt so deeply that she lost him. It was almost too much, almost. But she felt she needed to be strong for the woman crying in her bed. And that gave her what strength she needed. "No." Lexa answered simply.

"No?" Clarke's voice fearful.

"No. Alphas cry. I cry. Do you think me an unworthy alpha?"

"N-no." Clarke whimpered.

"Good. Now I will let you in on a little secret. Wanna hear it?" Lexa offered.

"I-" Clarke paused nodding.

Lexa moved closer, whispering into Clarke's ear. "You are an amazing alpha. You are a strong alpha. And most importantly. You are a caring alpha." Lexa pulled back, running a thumb over Clarke's cheek before wiping away her tears.

"Lexa." Clarke whispered, tears drying.

"You are. I promise Clarke. You are." Lexa scooted closer to the other woman, wrapping her arms around her.

"Thank you Lexa." Clarke found a niche slipping her head against.

"Are you ok?" Lexa asked.

"No. But I think I will be." Clarke answered.

"Ok. What would you like to do?" Lexa offered.

"Can we go back to sleep?" Clarke asked, holding to Lexa still a little shaken.

"Of course hun. Rest." Lexa suggested softly, holding Clarke as they fell back asleep.

End of chapter 4

Chapter Text

Chapter 5

"Good morning!" Lexa called hearing her bedroom door open.

"I... Why did you leave the bed?" Clarke asked, her throat dry and sore from crying.

"Well. I was hoping to get you some breakfast in bed. But as it turns out watching food shows all the time doesn't necessarily mean you are a good cook. You may or may not have woken up because I screamed at my eggs." Lexa sighed. "They didn't turn out right."

"It smells good!" Clarke offered trying to cheer Lexa up.

Lexa chuckled softly. "Well, you do too."

"Yeah… you probably wouldn't be able to smell me so much if I had some pants to cover up my… down there." Clarke lamented, knowing her pants and underwear were still too wet to wear, if they even fit.

"I left a choice of a skirt or jeans I figured would fit you with options of boxer, or panties on my dresser. You were the one that chose to come out her bottomless." Lexa giggled.

"Oh fuck!" Clarke scrambled back into Lexa's room to throw on some clothes.

"I wasn't upset with you totally bottomless! It was really cute in fact!" Lexa yelled from the kitchen, plating her eggs on toast for the both of them.

"You could have told me!" Clarke glared.

"Yeah but this way I got to see your ass as you ran back into my room." Lexa smiled smug.

"I'm keeping these now." Clarke's glare didn't waver.

"Worth it. And here. Eggs on toast. I did my best. But I failed to make them as smooth as they are supposed to be." Lexa sighed disheartened.

"Thank you. It really does smell good." Clarke's icy glare melted as she looked down to the eggs, picking it up and taking a bite.

Clarke melted at the first taste. It was rich, creamy, decadent, in a way that fed her hindbrain, kicking her omega instincts she tried so hard to hide into overdrive. Clarke pulled the toast from her lips as she moaned, her body reacting. In less than a moment, her instincts picked up the subtle things Lexa had done all night and now this morning, all the things that proved her to be an ideal mate. She knew how to comfort Clarke, she could cook food that stole half her breath away, she was understanding when Clarke did and Clarke didn't want to have sex, she was strong enough to finally get the death underwear off, she was kind, supportive, and she even provided an array of clothing. "F… fuck..." Clarke tried to catch her breath, all the thoughts going right to her core, her scent releasing as she felt her extreme cravings of her heat hit all at once.

"Clarke?" Lexa asked worried seeing the look of worry on Clarke's face.

"I... I have to go." Clarke stood up and scrambled out of the apartment, sprinting home, fighting her body with everything she had. Desperate not to give in to her omega cravings, full of self-loathing.

"Clarke?" Lexa was left there, alone, in her empty apartment, confused, smelling Clarke's heat. Lexa tried to figure out what she had done. She made excuse after excuse in her own head for why Clarke would leave so suddenly, barely even a word. but each and every excuse became more and more evidently incorrect as she continued through her life without a word from Clarke.

The memory if that night weighed heavy on her mind. Lexa awaited a call, a text, Even a mention that Clarke had asked about her from Octavia. But it never came.

"Well hey there!" Raven smiled, sitting with Octavia in their kitchen eating breakfast as Clarke scurried into the apartment, slamming the door behind her and collapsing against it, her heart racing, her breath completely gone.

"You have fun with Lexa?" Octavia called smug. "Told you they would be perfect for each other!" Octavia teased Raven.

"You did not! You asked if she liked alphas and then said Lexa was liberal enough." Raven argued.

"Close enough." Octavia smiled.

"You are the worst!" Raven got up, kissing her alpha on the cheek and dropping her plate in the sink, only to be startled by Clarke's door slamming.

"Apparently she agrees." Octavia recoiled surprised.

"What the hell happened?" Raven asked confused.

"I have no idea. Want me to check on her?" Octavia offered.

"I got it." Raven replied moving towards Clarke's door. "Clarke?" Raven knocked on her door.

Raven could hear Clarke crying.

"Clarke?"

"What!" Clarke yelled.

"Ok, then I'm coming in." Raven sighed with nowhere enough patience for Clarke's shit.

"What the hell Raven!" Clarke yelled from the corner of her room where she sat crumbled up in a ball.

"Clarke." Raven began, sitting down next to Clarke, resting her legs over Clarke's.

Clarke snapped to anger. "You wouldn't do that to any other alpha!"

"Yeah, and there aren't any other alphas I've known since I was two who I reconnected after five years because we were fucking the same asshole before he died. I was there when you had your first heat. For fuck's sake, we cuddled the one time our heat cycles matched up and we were both single so that we wouldn't feel cripplingly alone." Raven took Clarke's hands in her own caringly. "There are no other alphas I think of as a sister."

"Sorry." Clarke sighed.

"Clarke I love you to death hun. But really. If your only issue with this is that you want me to see you as more of an alpha, that isn't the issue. The issue is that I see you as family." Raven elaborated.

"I see you as a sister too." Clarke sighed, allowing her forehead to drop onto Raven's shoulder.

"So what the hell happened hun?" Raven asked worried for Clarke.

"Raven she was amazing." Clarke looked up to Raven, longing, and remorse in her eyes.

"Clarke? That's good right."

"Raven, she was perfect. She is an alpha, but she submitted to me" Clarke said it with a hushed tone.

Raven slapped Clarke's arm with the back of her hand playfully. "Damn girl alpha as fuck!" Raven pushed Clarke playfully.

"And it's not that she doesn't enjoy being an alpha. I could tell that she did. But she just intrinsically respected and understood that I'm an alpha too." Clarke raved.

"Clarke that is amazing." Raven smiled excitedly.

"And I fucked it all up." Clarke began to cry again.

"Clarke! What happened?"

"You remember the boxer briefs you helped me pick out for my packer?"

"Yeah?"

"You know how the people at the store said I should get it as tight as possible so that I could use it for straps too?"

"Yeah"

"You know how I only get one or two heats a year cause I steal your suppressants?"

"Yes"

"You know how that leads my heats to be... Overly… slick... And… wet?"

"Haha yeah, we had to buy a new fucking mattress after your last one."

"You know what happens to dry clean only fabric when it gets wet?"

"Oh my god." Raven smiled holding back hysterical laughter.

"Yup." Clarke sighed.

"Oh God..." Raven giggled

"I still have those marks you get when you wear socks that are too tight all over my core and upper thighs." Clarke rolled her eyes.

"Fuck... Are you ok?" Raven asked.

"I think so... I'm pretty sure my ass is flatter now tho." Clarke joked.

"Bubble but." Raven teased.

"apparently!?" Clarke yelled.

"Wait, wait, wait, so you got soaking wet, and your undies shrunk, so what. What happened?" Raven questioned.

"Remember how you called me bubble but?"

"Yeah."

"Well, my bubble but was too big for the underwear to come off. They got stuck when I tried to take them off because she was gonna eat me out." Clarke explained.

"You slut!" Raven cheered." Get some!"

"Yeah yeah. Well, I tried. But… I... With the her asking me what I wanted to do with the packer, and then with the me being too weak to so much as take my underwear off! It was just too much. I felt so weak. I broke down crying. I hated myself, my body, all of this shit. I couldn't deal with it. And she ended up pulling them off of me and then I went off on her for no reason. And she was so fucking sweet. And I ruined it. And this morning she acted like it was all fine, and... Something... Omega in me took over when she made me breakfast. It scared me. And... I ran off." Clarke finished her story.

"Clarke. If you call her I'm sure you can figure it out. You really seem to like her." Raven suggested.

"No! I will never be able to see her again!" Clarke screamed.

"Clarke?" Raven gave a dubious look.

"No! I can't face her. I… I just can't. Even if I could handle my inner omega, I couldn't ever withstand that embarrassment." Clarke insisted.

"Clarke. I get it's scary. But she really seems pretty great for you." Raven pushed.

"Raven I love you. But no. Ok. No." Clarke demanded.

"Ok. Well if you change your mind Octavia gave me her number." Raven offered.

"Ok." Clarke sighed. "But how was your night?"

"Oh, it was just the usual, got knotted, Let Octavia bite me, bonded my girlfriend." Raven listed off casually.

"Raven!" Clarke screamed.

Raven smiled.

"Let me see your bite girl!" Clarke cried excited.

"It's still healing." Raven turned her shoulder, revealing the gauze taped to her shoulder that Octavia placed there to ensure her omega didn't get an infection. Raven carefully peeled it up, revealing the pristine copy of Octavia's dental records.

"Omg!" Clarke cried out.

Raven smiled even wider as she replaced her gauze. "Well, hun. I'm gonna let you get some rest, it sounds like a certain bubble but didn't get much sleep with all that fuckin." Raven stuck out her tongue playfully.

"Thanks Raven." Clarke gave Raven a tight hug.

"What for?" Raven tilted her head.

"For being a pseudo-sister, and for making sure I get back out there. I know Octavia was there for you the minute he died. But I just wasn't ready to move on that soon. But I'm glad you made sure I did eventually."

"Of course hun. Any time." Raven held Clarke back.

"And thank you for standing by me about who I am."

"Clarke. Always." Raven promised.

"Love you."

"Love you too, now go get out there, your bonded alpha is waiting for you!"

"See you. Get some rest." Raven ordered.

"Yeah yeah."

"How'd it go?" Octavia asked sitting at the table still.

Raven moved quickly to sit on her Alpha's lap." We need to get them together." Raven ordered.

"Oh, we do do we?" Octavia chuckled.

"Yes. We do." Raven confirmed.

"Oh? And why is that?" Octavia asked.

"Because my pseudo-sister is in love."

End of chapter 5

Chapter Text

Chapter 6

"Lexa! Lexa! Lexaaaaa!" Octavia sang outside of Lexa's door, knocking on it occasionally. "I know you're in there!"

The door swung open, suddenly to reveal a very dour alpha. "What Octavia?" Lexa growled.

"Oof what happened to you sour puss." Octavia teased to get the door slammed in her face.

"You disappeared for four days!" Lexa yelled through the door. "What the hell happened!? '

"Open the door and I will tell you." Octavia replied.

"No." Lexa denied cold.

"Oh come on Lexa! I bonded with Raven!" Octavia dangled the nugget of news in front of the door certain Lexa would bite.

The door opened again swiftly. "Bitch better not be lying." Lexa glared.

Octavia forced her way into Lexa's apartment before the door could be closed on her again. "I'm not Lying. And I will tell you all about it if you talk to me about what happened with Clarke."

"Did she talk to you? Did she want to see me again!? What happened!? She ran off! She never said anything! She left her packer! She didn't even finish breakfast!" Lexa questioned to a cadence of her turbulent mind, impatient and anxious.

"So she stayed long enough for you to cook breakfast! Go you!" Octavia smiled.

"What do you know that I don't. Why didn't you answer?" Lexa snapped too perceptive for her own good.

"No. She didn't ask. And no she said she doesn't want to see you again." Octavia admitted. "I… ok." Lexa stepped back, finally unable to deny the reality of the situation that she already had known for days now. "Yeah... Totally, ok. I... I understand." Lexa stumbled backward nodding trying to process it.

"Lexa." Octavia started.

"No, no I… it makes total sense. I get it. Who wants to fuck a widow with dead cousin baggage."

"Lexa!" Octavia yelled snapping Lexa from her own head. "You wanna know what Raven said?"

"Pfft I don't care, what Raven said doesn't matter to me, why would I care about what Raven said. I don't know what you are talking about." Lexa spoke faster by the moment mirroring her mile a minute mind.

"Wow, she was right. Damn Raven is magic. And geez you are losing it hun." Octavia sighed worried for her friend.

"I'm not losing anything! And I don't need to hear about your omega's pussy!"

"Dear god, so not what I meant, that said. Raven does this thing" Octavia began an intensely complex hand gesture before she stopped herself "not the time Octavia." She reminded herself.

"Well!? What did Raven say!?" Lexa asked impatient.

"You really wanna know?"

"Yes, Octavia!" Lexa snapped.

"She said Clarke loves you!" Octavia sang.

"She uugh pfft, totally not true no way, I... Love?" Lexa questioned intrigued.

"No! No way, she won't even call me, she totally doesn't love me, you are crazy!" Lexa ranted literally pacing in circles as she spoke.

"You two are so cute." Octavia cooed.

"You think!?" Lexa turned to Octavia hopeful.

"Dear god, she has a fucking summer cottage up there, doesn't she?" Octavia tapped on Lexa's forehead.

"I... Pfft. I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sure. Then explain to me why your scent reeks of trying to mark territory." Octavia smiled smug.

"I..." Lexa gave up.

"You love her!" Octavia echoed her sing-songy voice from earlier.

"I…" Lexa was done fighting.

"She is scared hun. You just need to talk to her. Raven said it was just that Clarke got scared by how strong her feelings were. But she is too embarrassed By what happened to face you." Octavia explained.

"That's ridiculous. She was nothing but beautiful, cute, and human, sexy and perfect. She has nothing to be embarrassed over!" Lexa replied.

"So. Go, grab her dick that she left here, go get that girl, give her back her dick and then if she wants, give her an extra one too!" Octavia smiled cheekily.

"No." Lexa answered confident.

"No!?" Octavia yelled in shock.

"No."

"Lexa you literally have the best excuse to go see her! She left her dick in your house!" Octavia couldn't help but laugh.

"Octavia the answer is no." Lexa insisted.

"What the hell Lexa! You love this girl!" Octavia yelled.

"I barely know her, we spent one night together and she doesn't want to see me." Lexa reasoned.

"Lexa I love you to death, but I can't believe you are being such a lying bitch right now." Octavia snapped cold.

"Octavia." Lexa gasped hurt.

"You know exactly who the hell I am talking about!"

"Don't you fucking dare!" Lexa snapped back. "You are defying her last fucking wish!" Octavia went there, cold and unwavering.

"You have no right!"

"When you betray her last breaths!? I have all the right!" Octavia yelled.

"She was my wife, she was just a friend to you." Lexa yelled.

"She was my best friend! I introduced you two!" Octavia growling, baring her teeth.

"You still have no damn right." Lexa mirrored Octavia.

"You promised her! I was there with you as you held her hand and she had one final request of you! 'if you find someone; someone you even have the slightest inkling that you've found someone you can love as much as you love me. Don't you dare hold back. Chase them with everything you have. And don't let go. Just like you did with me. ' You promised her, held her hand as she faded. And if you just let Clarke slip away without a word you forsake that promise, and you know it. If you didn't agree you wouldn't argue with me about it." Octavia quoted costia as tears began to fall to the floor from both of them, missing a woman that meant so much to them, the reason they became so close over the past two years, costia never wanted the women she loved most to be alone.

Lexa stood silent, tears flowing from her as she processed.

"I'm texting you Raven's number, she can give you a time and or place to see Clarke if you change your mind. I hope you do. Raven and I both see how happy you two could be together if you got your heads out of your asses. But we can't pull them out for you." Octavia finished cold as she turned and headed home, leaving Lexa alone in her apartment once more, haunted by the ghost of costia that lived in each picture she still had up of each of them together, the memories staring her down, the epitome of peer pressure from someone no longer there to push. Lexa collapsed crying missing the woman she loved and lost as to what to do next.

End of chapter 6

Chapter Text

Chapter 7

"Or you could just talk to her and get your dick back." Raven suggested hopeful.

"No! Raven I already told you no!" Clarke snapped.

"Ok ok ok, sorry. But seriously I saw how much you spent on them. Those underwear were over a hundred bucks man." Raven reminded.

"Yeah well, the underwear also tried to kill me." Clarke argued. "And it's not like I could return them even if I had them again."

"Fair, fair." Raven nodded as her phone chimed for the thousandth time that morning.

"Ohh somebody's got an impatient alpha, better respond soon or she'll get you." Clarke teased.

"Yeah yeah" Raven checked her phone. "Someone's alpha is impatient." Raven sighed quickly typing up a reply.

"So you up to come with me again?" Clarke asked hopeful.

"Ummm when are you going?" Raven replied messing with her phone.

"Right now?" Clarke shrugged.

"No, not now!" Raven urged distracted.

"Why not, we are both free." Clarke countered.

"Umm… how about you do some light Googling and when you know what you want and what won't try to kill you then we can go." Raven suggested, stalling.

"Ok? Sure sounds like a plan." Clarke cheered heading back to her room to review holsters, underwear with slots and pockets, packers, and even more phallic accouterments.

After about an hour of searching, Clarke could hear the door knock. "Raven, it's probably your alpha!" Clarke yelled from her room.

"I think it's for you, you get it!" Raven yelled back from the kitchen, only feet from the front door.

"What the hell are you talking about Raven? I haven't had anyone here since we moved in, there is literally no one who it could be that they would be here for me." Clarke complained exiting her room and becoming infuriated as she saw how close Raven was to the door, sitting just drinking her coffee in the dining room. "What the hell Raven!?" Clarke yelled angry.

"I'm gonna let you have some space" Raven sipped her coffee walking away to her room as there was another knock.

"Uugh whatever Raven. Who the hell- oh... You" Clarke opened the door to see Lexa holding a packer and the underwear, now cleaned.

"Hi." Lexa smiled scared.

"I... Hi back." Clarke looked away, her complexion glowing a bright red full of embarrassment.

"I brought your stuff back." Lexa offered Clarke back her packer and underwear

"Thanks" Clarke grabbed them, hiding them behind her back immediately.

"You never finished your eggs." Lexa sighed, hollow, hurt, scared.

"I... I'm sorry. They were really good." Clarke assured.

"So it wasn't the eggs?" Lexa asked as Clarke stood silent, scared embarrassed and unsure what to say. "I... Look, Clarke. I felt like there was something there that night. I really had fun, and honestly, I like you a lot. But. If there's nothing here. If you really don't want to see me again, just tell me. You won't see me again. I promise." Lexa laid it out, allowed herself to be vulnerable despite how much she hated it.

"Lexa" Clarke whispered.

"Sorry I shouldn't have come." Lexa apologized turning away.

"Lexa." Clarke grabbed her hand stopping her. "You are right. I Felt it too. R... Raven says I ran because I got scared." Clarke blurted out, afraid of actually never seeing Lexa again.

"Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" Raven popped out from behind a corner jumping for joy. "I knew it! You two are so head over heels!"

"Raven!" Clarke yelled.

"Right, right, privacy, privacy." Raven rolled her eyes hiding behind the corner again.

"How about we talk in my room?" Clarke offered.

"I'd like that if you would be comfortable with it." Lexa smiled as Clarke led the way.

"I... Fuck... I don't have anywhere to sit really, are you comfortable sitting on my bed with me?" Clarke asked.

"Clarke we have slept together. I think we are fine to sit on a bed." Lexa smiled.

"I... I think that in itself would be the reason not to try and talk while sitting on a bed." Clarke reasoned, sitting with Lexa.

"You are still In a rut. But you are taking extra suppressants to hide it." Lexa observed, still holding Clarke's hand.

Clarke swallowed, feeling her body react to the alpha drawing attention to her cycle. "Y... Yeah."

"Are you ok?"

"It's a rut. it hurts, my body aches, I crave… contact, another alpha. Someone to... To fill me, fix the ache." Clarke admitted, unsure herself at which point she switched from explaining to seducing.

"You are?" Lexa moved closer, taking in Clarke's scent.

"I am." Clarke gave a whimper, giving herself that one, despite the knowledge it would inevitably turn to many more.

"And you… want an alpha, to help you through, your... Rut?" Lexa asked, inching closer, over Clarke as Clarke leaned further back in the bed, allowing Lexa to slowly work her way to being atop her.

"I do." Clarke whimpered, her core threatening to ruin another pair of pants despite the higher level of suppressants she was taking to manage her heat.

"And you want me, to be that alpha? To fill you, to fix your ache?" Lexa asked.

"Lexa."

"Clarke."

"I, I think I want more than just that." Clarke whimpered again.

"What do you want baby?". Lexa asked, her cock stirring, aching to take.

"I want you to... I want you to be my alpha. I want to be your alpha as well." Clarke answered, wrapping her arms around Lexa.

"Clarke." Lexa caressed her cheek gently with one hand. "You've been my alpha since the first moment your hand touched my cheek that night." Lexa answered soft, caring, honest.

"Lexa."

"Clarke."

"Thank you for coming back. For..." Clarke trailed off.

"Of course Clarke. admittedly, Raven was right, I'm head over heels." Lexa moved closer, centering herself above Clarke.

"Fuck." Clarke felt her heat rage up again as she spread her legs for Lexa.

"It will be ok. I will fix it hun." Lexa offered as Clarke nodded, and undid her pants.

"Thank you again Lexa." Clarke whimpered.

" Clarke?" Lexa asked removing her pants, freeing her cock from their confines. "Do you want my knot?" Lexa offered.

"Y! Yes!" Clarke panted, grabbing at Lexa's back, clawing into her.

"Rough... I like it." Lexa bucked herself against Clarke, intentionally slipping her cock against Clarke's puss without pushing inside her.

"Oh! God!" Clarke screamed, panting, craving Lexa more and more.

"Good. I'm glad you like." Lexa kissed Clarke softly, deepening the kiss slowly as she aligned herself against Clarke, setting her head at the other alpha's entrance.

"I... What... What about... Your bite?" Clarke whimpered.

"B… bite?" Lexa caught off guard.

"My neck… it itches, burns for you, for your teeth, your bite." Clarke admitted.

"I won't bite you, not today. I want to take up the bond with you. But I'm not ready. Time. Please." Lexa requested.

Clarke nodded, understanding. "That is more than ok."

"When I knot you. Would... Would you like to bite me?" Lexa offered.

"Yes!" Clarke screamed both in response and in reaction to Lexa slipping her cock inside of her slowly.

"That's it..." Lexa mused, enjoying the warm wet velvety texture of Clarke's slick and tight entrance, threatening to envelop her completely and melt her mind from pleasure. Lexa hadn't felt herself inside someone else like this in years, and Lexa knew Clarke was certainly worth the wait as it felt as if her dick would melt into the pleasure.

Clarke's eyes flashed dominant for a moment before a possessive growl burst from her throat in a register omegas rarely use.

Lexa was caught in the growl, the sonorous notes of ownership in Clarke's throat. Lexa then felt Clarke's move, hitching her leg over Lexa, using the momentum to swing them both over, landing with Lexa on her back and Clarke on top of her. "Fuck… you..." Lexa lost herself in a desperate moan, feeling herself now fully buried into Clarke.

"That's a girl." Clarke licked her lips pleased as she gave a soft growl. "That's it..." She rolled her hips, sitting straight up, straddling Lexa, feeling the woman under her stir deep in her core.

"I... O... C... Clarke..."Lexa found words an almost insurmountable challenge as her body moved instinctively, meeting the other woman's hips, feeling the soaked sensitive lips against her pelvis, intoxicatingly alluring as she moaned, her body doing the work for her.

Clarke gave a pleased sexy seductive moan, leaning down, intentionally allowing Lexa to slip slightly out of her as the alpha whined desperate for Clarke to take her whole length in again."You feel so good inside your alpha. Such a good girl for me, ahhhh!" Clarke tossed her head back enticingly. "Filling me like such a good girl! "

"C... Clarke!" Lexa screamed, bucking up, in desperation. "Need to!" Lexa screamed in pleasure and pain, her knot already beginning to split, the base of her cock burning painfully, reminding her that her body needed to fill Clarke's.

"Hold it." Clarke couldn't have looked more pleased as she returned to riding Lexa, bottoming out on her once more.

"I... I..." Lexa's breaths cutting off her words, sharp and pained. "I can, can't!" Lexa felt the climax approaching.

"Do I have to punish you to make sure you don't cum too early?" Clarke raised an eyebrow, holding Lexa's hips still by force, and fighting herself to come to a complete stop.

"Fuuck!" Lexa whined. "Need!"

"How do you wish me to punish you if you are a bad girl by the way?" Clarke mused, her eyes darting along the alpha's tight body, glistening with sweat, muscles tense, dying to finally cum.

"I… whatever my alpha wishes..." Lexa whimpered and whined.

Clarke cracked a wide smile, slapping one of Lexa's breasts hard enough to make her gasp, but not enough that it was in any way truly unpleasant. "That was quite the beautiful look on your face." Clarke began moving again, but slowly enjoying herself completely, Lexa large and filling her in all the best ways, a soft and glorious burn of the slightest stretch making everything evermore delightful as Lexa filled her, ever so slightly larger than Clarke could naturally take.

"Fuck… Clarke… I… goddamnit..." Lexa moaned, rolling her hips up submissive as her breast throbbed, sore, but aching to be slapped again.

"That's it." Clarke sped up, knowing her climax was impending.

"I'm… gonna! Oh! Clarke!" Lexa screamed, bucking up, her cock releasing, her knot bursting, a searing pain along her base for a moment before relief like setting a white-hot piece of metal in ice water, washing over her, pleasure and release echoing through her body.

"Fuck! That's it!" Clarke came immediately as Lexa began to spurt into her, her bodybuilding in a symphony of sensation as she rode the forming knot, adoring how it massaged her g spot as her clit rubbed against Lexa, driving her climax further and further. "God you feel fucking good inside me!" Clarke gasped, grabbing at Lexa's breasts, massaging them, enjoying Lexa's body as her orgasm raged on, her body alight in suffocating pleasure.

"Fuuuuck… baby..." Lexa moaned, Clarke still sequentially clamping down on her as she massaged her breasts.

"That's... Ohhh..." Clarke collapsed onto Lexa, breaths heavy, catching up with her, soaked and pleasantly numb.

"Goddamnit..." Lexa sighed.

"Good?" Clarke smiled softly into Lexa.

"Amazing…" Lexa moaned.

"Good… now, are you ready?" Clarke requested.

"Yes. I... I am." Lexa felt it then for a moment, her flesh quivering, anticipation growing for the bite, her body needing Clarke.

"Mhmmm I'm gonna love getting to see my bite on your neck." Clarke hummed.

"Clarke! Just do it!" Lexa shivered, scared at her own reactions.

"Lexa? Are you ok baby?" Clarke picked up on the frustration immediately.

"I... ohhh" Lexa melted feeling Clarke's hand gently caressing her neck, the exact spot that was still quivering to be marked.

"Baby. what's wrong?" Clarke kissed the spot as if she knew perfectly the exact spot that was driving Lexa mad.

"Never… wanted a mark before." the shiver cascaded down Lexa's body, reminding her just how much her body needed this.

"Ohhh"

"It's scary." Lexa shivered again.

Clarke wanted to laugh at the fact that this was Lexa's reaction to what she was constantly going through, her body feeling as if it was constantly betraying her. "I understand." Clarke empathized softly with care and concern.

"Thank you." Lexa melted, again, more than she had intended, feeling herself want to submit for Clarke even more.

"Would you rather I not mark you?" Clarke offered, "I won't if you don't want me to."

"I don't want you too." Lexa's eyes met Clarke's whose were filled with disappointment. "I need you too. And that's why I am scared. I… just, please... Go… go slow… b… be gentle." Lexa pleaded.

"Of course." Clarke smiled, finding the spot that made Lexa jump once more, kissing it, dragging her tongue along it gently as she felt Lexa tense, and her cock still inside her.

"Fuuuuck." Lexa moaned.

"Ready?"

"Yes."

"If it's too much, tap my back twice ok, and if you are ok to keep going, rub your hand up and down my back.?" Clarke requested.

"Yes my alpha." Lexa submitted.

"Good girl."

"Ohhh"

"Here?" Clarke confirmed, taking her teeth to the spot.

"YESS!" Lexa screamed, immediately feeling Clarke begin to bite down, the pressure growing from pleasure, to sensual to pain. Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke, bracing herself, and readying her hand on Clarke's back.

"I... it hurts, but… it...Feels good" Lexa whimpered as she hesitantly allowed her hand to slide up and down Clarke's back, urging her forward. "FUCK!" Lexa gasped, shuttering, pushing her neck into the beautifully perfect pain of the bite as it broke her skin, unaware her hand was still rubbing up and down Clarke's back, ensuring she bite down harder and harder. A devilish deep pleased growl busted through Clarke's vocal cords, her body on air getting to mark the beautiful woman under her.

"Clarke…" Lexa panted shocked as her body gave in completely to the alpha growl. Clarke delighted in the deepening bite, knowing she was approaching the ideal depth as she lapped at the sensitive flesh in between her teeth where the metallic taste began to grow.

"I… I..." Lexa panted, no longer moving her hand up and down. "Ahhh!" Lexa winced feeling it go just a touch too much, tapping twice on Clarke's back.

Clarke released the pressure immediately, slowly removing her teeth, "Are you ok?" Clarke asked worriedly, lapping at the bite.

"Mhmm yes… that's nice... It's sensitive. But nice." Lexa moaned softly.

"Mhmmm thank you Lexa..." Clarke smiled.

"I enjoyed. Thank you, my alpha." Lexa purred.

"Good girl." Clarke praised.

Buzz buzz.

"What was that?" Lexa looked around startled.

"My phone. Your head is right where my ass was before we… got distracted." Clarke laughed, fishing her phone from under Lexa's pillow, checking it and immediately groaning.

"What's wrong?" Lexa tilted her head.

"Raven." Clarke sighed.

"You know she kept you here so that I wouldn't miss seeing you." Lexa admitted.

"I figured as much." Clarke nodded unsurprised.

"What did she say?" Lexa's interest was peaked.

"Nothing she is just being pushy." Clarke dismissed.

"What did she say." Lexa giggled knowingly.

Clarke growled. "You know what she said, don't you?"

"Maybe..."

"Grrr!"

"Love you too." Lexa kissed Clarke quickly.

"I..." Clarke turned a deep red. "I… what!?"

"You heard what I said." Lexa smiled smug.

"I love you." Clarke sighed, the jig up.

"I love you too Clarke." Lexa held the other alpha.

"Mhmmm I love you Lexa."

"Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! I fucking knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!" Raven could be heard through the thin wall.

"Raven!" Clarke yelled.

"Love you too hun" Raven laughed.

"Were you listening the whole time!?" Clarke yelled.

"Only once the moans and screaming stopped! You guys were too loud to ignore at that point anyway." Raven complained.

"Oh god." Lexa blushed.

"Your place next time." Clarke growled.

"As long as there is a next time."

End of Chapter 7

Chapter Text

Chapter 8

Clarke woke to the delicious scent of alpha surrounding her, her throat making soft aching whimpers without her knowledge as she brushed her face against Lexa.

"Hey there?" Lexa smiled holding the alpha nuzzling her.

"I... Mhmmm..." Clarke licked at Lexa's neck, immediately finding the alpha's scent glands.

"Baby..." Lexa whispered cautious, her body's heat rising to remind her of her rut as Clarke licked and slowly added in soft suction on her scent gland.

"Sooo good..." Clarke moaned deeply.

"Baby… you are gonna send your rut crazy if you don't stop… you aren't gonna enjoy it baby." Lexa warned, worried, not wanting to worsen Clarke's dysphoria.

"D... Don't care..." Clarke replied breathily.

"Mhmmm fuck... Baby..." Lexa felt Clarke nip the gland hard.

"That's it. There you go! "Clarke rolled on top of Lexa, nipping deeper, harder, rolling her bare puss over Lexa's swelling clit.

Lexa released a deep demanding growl unintentionally.

"Bad girl!" Clarke scolded, pinning Lexa's hands over her head.

"I... Fuck… you're stronger than I thought." Lexa growled frustrated, pulling her hands, unable to overcome Clarke.

"Hmph, I spend a lot of time in the gym to be just as strong as other alphas." Clarke smiled proudly, grinding her hips along Lexa's cock, now hard and throbbing.

Lexa growled horny and flustered." You… tease..."

"Oh, my poor little alpha doesn't like it when I rub my pussy over her aching cock? Maybe I should just stop? Maybe you would rather just watch, I have a toy with a knot bigger than yours in my nightsta-." Clarke found herself on her back before she could finish.

"I can do better than any of your damn toys!" Lexa roared, bucking into Clarke's soaked puss easily.

"Fuck! Lexa!" Clarke screamed pleasurably at Lexa's roughly forcing herself inside her.

"That's better! You are my alpha! But I'm your alpha too! And I won't let you think some toy can fuck you better than your alpha!" Lexa bucked in hard, causing Clarke to arch hard, her body growing in reaction with each plunge.

"Mhmm Lexa!" Clarke moaned, rolling her hips into each thrust. "Much better than my toy!"

"good girl!" Lexa praised, nipping along Clarke's neck.

"Fuck! Lexa!" Clarke suddenly felt her skin itch, burn and crave for the bite, for the bite of her alpha.

"Grrr! You... Your skin... So... Perfect… needing… a mark!" Lexa roared, craving to take Clarke.

"Lexa… o... Oh god… that feels good..." Clarke whimpered, needing it more and more.

"God damn your… your puss… perfect…" Lexa growled, nipping hard at Clarke's neck, threatening to break the skin.

"Lexa. I need... Need your mark… please..." Clarke pleaded, conflicted.

"You want it? You want me on you? My mark on you, proving that you are mine as I am yours?" Lexa taunted, rolling her hips smoother into Clarke.

"Yess!" Clarke howled, clawing into Lexa's back. "Uugh fuck... I... Want. It... Don't… want you… uugh… to do... To do it if you don't want to tho..." Clarke whimpered, having a hard time forming words.

"I want to." Lexa growled pleased.

"I... Fuck… you didn't want to give it to me last night." Clarke reminded, fighting her base instincts to mate and be marked, worried for Lexa.

"I wasn't ready. I am now. Cum for me as I mark you." Lexa ordered, sinking her teeth into Clarke.

"Lexaaaaa!" Clarke screamed, clawing hopelessly at Lexa's back, trying to ground herself, her body cumming as her alpha commanded, feeling Lexa buck into her once more, filling her as she sprayed herself inside Clarke.

Lexa felt her teeth almost immediately break the other alpha's skin, bucking in, allowing herself to release, to cum, her knot immediately splitting, soothed by Clarke's perfect puss. Lexa growled pleased as she rocked her hips and lapped at the blood now pooling in her mouth, feeling the bond take almost immediately, the consuming waves of pleasure washing over Clarke as she came again endlessly, Lexa's knot and teeth offering no end to the climaxes.

Clarke was panting, gasping, desperate for air once Lexa released the bite, lapping and kissing the mark, where her dental records now rested, the coagulant her alpha bonding bite released sealing the wound, ensuring it would scar perfectly. "Lexa." Clarke panted.

"How is my alpha." Lexa offered the title on an attempt to ensure Clarke's dysphoria not become worsened because of the mark.

"Mhmmm perfect." Clarke moaned, her pussy still throbbing with pleasure, Lexa's knot stretching her yet.

"I love you my alpha."

"And I you, my alpha." Clarke ran her hand over Lexa's head, pulling the alpha into her chest. "Let's take a nap baby."

"Sounds good" Lexa purred into Clarke's warm pillowy breasts.

End of Chapter 8

Chapter Text

Chapter 9

"Mhmm, that cock of your's is simply perfect." Clarke purred, stroking Lexa, already hard again.

"Fuuck... Your rut is fucking insatiable." Lexa purred, edging for Clarke's soft hand on her length.

"Ahhh ahhh ahhh don't you dare cum without permission." Clarke scolded feeling Lexa tense.

"I… fuck… stop stroking me so fast then!" Lexa groaned a little loud.

"For fuck's sake you two! Our walls are paper thin!" Raven yelled now banging on Clarke's door.

"Be right back love." Clarke kissed Lexa's cheek before hopping out of bed heading to the door.

"You..." Lexa growled before yelling hushed and embarrassed. "You are leaving me in bed with a raging hard-on!?"

"Yup!" Clarke giggled overly pleased with herself as she opened the door just a touch.

"I wouldn't have set you two up if I knew I would lose so much damn sleep over it!" Raven growled.

"Oh come on. You were cheering eight hours ago." Clarke smiled.

"That was before I realized I had apparently installed an alarm clock that goes off every hour with 'grrrrr I'm cumming, I'm cumming, I'm cumming, ahhhhh! Good girl'" Raven imitated deadpan.

"Gotta admit her imitation of you is spot on." Lexa chuckled from bed.

"Oh just go back to stroking that sexy little cock of yours." Clarke turned growling.

Lexa snarled. "Nothing little about it."

"Damn right." Clarke sang looking back to a furious Raven.

"Out now! She lives alone. Leave! Annoy her neighbor!" Raven glared.

"Aww come on" Clarke sighed.

"I have an exam on Monday! I know you have spring break this week. But I don't, and I've gotten no sleep." Raven sighed.

"Fine fine. I'm sorry. and I love you for making sure she and I got together." Clarke thanked sincerely.

"Love you too hun. Now get the hell out of this house for the rest of your heat." Raven growled walking away.

"Hey, baby." Clarke began, pleased to see Lexa pumping at her length, gritting her teeth, clearly aching to release.

"Need to..."Lexa whimpered.

"Awww. That's my perfect aching girl." Clarke cooed, distracted from her goal.

"Please!" Lexa cried.

"Ohhh yes, baby. Cum for me." Clarke smiled, the alpha completely submissive to her, begging for permission to cum.

"T… t… ohhhh!" Lexa curled, cumming all over herself, large spirits of her seed spraying over her tight core. "T... Thank you..." Lexa panted weak, needing her alpha's embrace.

"That's my girl." Clarke purred, bending over, licking Lexa clean.

"That tickles!" Lexa giggled as Clarke licked at her belly and pelvis.

"Relax baby" Clarke kissed at Lexa's core.

"Ohhh... Thanks baby..." Lexa sighed following Clarke's orders.

"There you go love. Soooo... Raven wants us out." Clarke began.

"Too loud?"

"And too frequent." Clarke added.

"Poor Raven. You had me up and... Up… every hour." Lexa admitted.

"Yeah." Clarke nodded.

"So my place?" Lexa offered.

"Yeah sounds good." Clarke smiled.

"Good." Lexa sat up and kissed Clarke's cheek.

'Love you."

"Love you too baby." Lexa cooed.

"Mhmm now get some pants on. We gots to go." Clarke urged.

"Yes my alpha" Lexa groaned.

"Promise me you won't run off on me again, and not call for a week until I show up at your place and we fuck till your roommate kicks us out?" Lexa teased parking.

"I promise." Clarke offered with a kiss.

"You scared the shit out of me. You know that?" Lexa informed, holding Clarke's hand before they got out of the car.

"I'm sorry." Clarke paused vulnerable. "I love you."

"I love you too. I… I got scared… I... Your eggs..." Clarke began.

"I fucked em up. I know." Lexa sighed.

"No!" Clarke giggled. "No." she added quietly, almost somber. ''I… the combination of you taking care of me. Setting out clothes, being strong, cooking… the... The richness of the eggs... And the toast… I... My biology kicked in... It made me crave to submit... To be yours... In a way, I don't ever want to be anyone's. There is nothing wrong with omegas. And craving that. But... I am not an omega. I don't want that. It's not me. I don't want it to be me. And… in that moment… it was." Clarke admitted.

"Clarke." Lexa whispered.

"Hey. But. I love you. And. You have let me be more than my biology when we are together." Clarke cheered." and I love you for that." Clarke kissed Lexa appreciative.

"I love you too. And I'm sorry. I never knew... I never knew how deeply that ran. How frustrating and painful that would actually be. I mean. I knew… My cousin. But..." Lexa trailed off.

"I love you for caring." Clarke hugged Lexa appreciative.

"Love you too baby. Ready to head in?" Lexa urged.

"Yup." Clarke agreed eager.

Clarke and Lexa then quickly headed up to Lexa's apartment, completely incapable of keeping their hands off of each other.

"That ass is fucking perfect!" Lexa growled pushing Clarke against her front door.

"Mhmm fuck!" Clarke moaned wet feeling Lexa hard, rutting against her.

"That's it." Lexa growled.

"I will force you down and ride you till you beg me to cum!" Clarke argued.

"Mhmm sounds perfect!" Lexa purred at the idea, allowing Clarke to switch their positions.

"How would you feel about your alpha thrusting that cock you returned to her into your puss as I stroke that cock of yours?" Clarke suggested, rolling her hips against Lexa's tight ass, deeply pleased by the sensation it gave her, the feeling of power, imagining she could thrust a hard meaty cock of her own deep inside her lover, make Lexa scream as she stretched her.

"Fuck Clarke I..." Lexa felt her body react in a way she was unaccustomed to. "That's a girl. I can smell your wetness, your aching scent releasing for your alpha." Clarke growled.

"I… I... Fuck..."Lexa panted "where's your cock."

"Dammit. It's in the car." Clarke growled.

"Here." Lexa quickly unlocked her door and handed the keys off to Clarke. Go get it. I need you my alpha." Lexa pleaded as Clarke ran off.

The moment Lexa opened her door she could immediately smell it. Her emotions turning on a dime. The familiar scent, almost entirely long gone, now completely subtle, almost undetectable, but Lexa would always have been able to smell it anywhere. It brought tears to her eyes. Remembering that scent's owner, realizing why she had liked Clarke's scent so much.

"Costia." The word on her lips no less a ghost than the woman herself. The woman's essence in every corner of the apartment to Lexa. Some memory, some… molecule of their life together long gone, still nestled into every atom of the domicile. It hurt... It hurt more than she thought possible after so long, returning to the apartment after her first night away since costia had died. The scent she had grown accustomed to blocking out naturally, now hitting her like a wall. Lexa wanted to enter the house she once called home, where her beloved wife read on the couch, the spot Lexa had proposed in the empty living room before they had decided to move in together, where they had first made love, where Costia teased her of her wretched cooking, swearing Lexa would never cook anything edible no matter how many cooking shows she watched. Their first love. Their first lives… but now… costia was gone. And it felt to Lexa like a part of herself was too. A part that refused to allow her to re-enter the house once home. Once warm and full of love, now filled only of ghosts.

End of Chapter 9

Chapter Text

Chapter 10

Authors note: thank you, everyone, for leaving reviews. I really appreciate it. And I'm glad that the people reviewing seem to really enjoy! I love this story. And being trans, it is so close to my heart.

Thanks for reading. And this story isn't going anywhere. I have a lot of plans for it!

Also, I'm so sorry for the delay getting this chapter up. I took some time for me and I'm doing a lot better! I even found someone new who is really nice :)

Hope everyone enjoys! And like I said this story isn't going anywhere. I promise. Here to stay for a while. I have a lot of ideas.

Also TW: self-harm suicide.

Clarke ran back up the stairs, excited to take Lexa. "Lexa! You ready?" Clarke called, seeing her lover standing weakly in the doorway.

"I..." Lexa whispered in pain.

"Lexa? What's wrong?" Clarke asked coming up behind her.

"Everything... Me" Lexa truly believed in that moment that she was the wrong one. That It should have been her that night. That it should be Costia standing there with the beautiful alpha, returning to a warm home.

"Lexa?" Clarke whispered terrified she had done something wrong, seeing the pain on her lover's face.

"I'm the one that should have died that night." The words spilled from her lips as the tears began to fall from her eyes, remembering. Lexa knew it was just in her head feeling the same pain; a memory; a haunting memory of the night she attempted to reunite with her late wife. The cold metal separating her skin in the hot bath, the desperate tears rolling down her face, then the slow darkening along her vision as her head slipped back and she collapsed.

"Lexa!" Clarke screamed as Lexa collapsed after grasping at her left wrist; clutching at it, no, clawing at it under her long-sleeved blouse. Clarke caught her lover, carrying her to the couch where they first kissed, laying her down incredibly worried as she lifted Lexa's left sleeve.

"No… oh no… Lexa..." Clarke sighed seeing it, holding Lexa's hand, deeply concerned. Clarke was caught in fear as she looked on at the scar, now becoming visible, the makeup smudged from their night of passion. Clarke knew what the scar was from, she didn't need an explanation; but she deeply wished there was one, one to prove her wrong, to say that her lover hadn't been in so much pain to do this to herself.

"I... Costia..." Lexa woke slowly, feeling the hand hold hers tight.

"No." Clarke answered scared.

"I... Clarke..." Lexa looked down to see her arm revealed, her secret in the open.

"How." Clarke whispered almost crying.

"I had just lost my wife Clarke." Lexa defended immediately.

"How did you survive?" Clarke clarified, not judging. Just concerned.

"My dumbass left the music on too loud. Wanted the reunion to happen to our song." Lexa chuckled and rolled her eyes as she began to cry.

"No. Not dumb." Clarke kissed Lexa's hand. "It saved your life. Allowed me to meet you. To fall in love with you." Clarke kissed Lexa's hand again.

"I love you too." Lexa sighed, wiping a tear from her face.

"I love you baby." Clarke comforted, wiping away the following tears for Lexa.

"I told you alphas could cry." Lexa smiled softly trying to cheer Clarke up from the morbid history.

"I love you baby. Are you ok?" Clarke voiced her deepest fear.

"Yes. I… her scent."

"Costia?"

"Yeah… it hit me when tried to enter the apartment again." Lexa explained.

"I'm so. I understand how hard that would be." Clarke empathized.

"Ya know. You two smell a lot alike." Lexa smiled softly.

"I... You haven't told me much about her."

"She was beautiful. Strong. The strongest omega I've ever met." Lexa smiled.

"Grrr!"

"Calm down. She wasn't an alpha like you. She just shared your strong will." Lexa smiled sitting up.

"I love you. And mine!" Clarke growled once more, this time more playfully.

"I wouldn't want to be anyone else's love." Lexa assured.

"I love you. And I'm sorry you had to endure the loss of your omega." Clarke held Lexa's hand tighter.

"It's gonna be ok. I am ok." Lexa smiled softly, comforting Clarke.

"Let's go to bed. Rest for a night?" Clarke suggested.

"You finally remember that those deathtrap underwear are the only way you have to use your cock on me?" Lexa giggled.

"We are getting new ones tomorrow, ones that won't try to kill me!" Clarke answered pulling Lexa to bed.

"Of course my alpha." Lexa smiled following Clarke, just happy to be with her lover.

End of Chapter 10

Chapter Text

Chapter 11

"Good morning." Lexa purred softly waking to the feeling of Clarke's lips on her wrist." What the hell are you doing baby?" Lexa giggled.

"I'm kissing the boo-boo." Clarke answered nonchalant.

"You are digging your nose into my scar." Lexa giggled

"No." Clarke growled deeply. "I'm kissing it. Making the boo-boo better." Clarke demanded.

"Clarke… it's already healed." Lexa rolled her eyes.

"I don't care. my lover's boo-boo's get kisses." Clarke ordered dominant.

"Of course my alpha." Lexa sighed forfeiting the fight.

"Good girl." Clarke teased kissing the scar more.

"I love you."

"I love you too Lexa. I want you safe." Clarke denoted.

"I am safe baby. I have my strong alpha right here." Lexa assured.

"Good." Clarke kissed up Lexa's arm, to Lexa's neck then her cheek. "I love you."

"You will be a really good mom." Lexa smiled softly.

"I would be a what now!?" Clarke recoiled suddenly.

"You will be a great mother Clarke." Lexa purred.

"I'm not going to be a mom." Clarke huffed pulling back further on the bed.

" Clarke what are you talking about?" Lexa questioned confused.

"I'm talking about the fact that I'm not going to be a mom." Clarke answered resolute.

"Baby… you might already be. If I have any luck." Lexa moved to put her hand against Clarke's belly, but never got close as Clarke jumped from the bed seemingly disgusted by the idea of Lexa's touch.

"I'm on suppressants." Clarke argued, glaring angrily.

Lexa giggled unintentionally at first to a very cold reception from her alpha. "Baby… suppressants don't work like that." Lexa explained like it was obvious.

"Suppressants prevent conception!" Clarke yelled the words she knew to be true.

"Yeah. When you take them as prescribed. But I know you take Ravens as extra, and that it is enough that you skip heats entirely, from your own admission sometimes for months at a time." Lexa reasoned.

"So!? I hate my heats! They… they make me feel... Wrong, all submissive and wrong... They make me even more of everything I hate about being an omega!" Clarke explained angrily.

"Clarke. The reason why doctors don't prescribe suppressants like that is because skipping heats like that almost guarantees that your conception rate is extremely high. Up to ninety percent in most biological omegas. Plus, other side effects like the excessive wetness, and a complete lack of ability to consent in some cases, deferred heats are no small deal Clarke." Lexa explained.

"No! If taking suppressants as normal is an effective contraceptive then more should guarantee I don't get pregnant!" Clarke assured herself ineffectively.

"Clarke. That's not how they work. I promise you I know. My cousin killed himself the night his doctor told him that he wouldn't prescribe extra suppressants for that exact reason... His parents refused to sign the waivers that the doctor required. So the doctor would give him extra." Lexa answered, fear in her voice, the memory of the voicemail he left her sticking in the back of her head.

"Lexa..." Clarke whispered.

"I'm sorry." Lexa shook her head trying to focus. "But it's true. They have the opposite effect if you take so many you begin skipping heats."

"Lexa… I haven't had a heat since two months after I moved in with Raven. We've been living together for over a year." Clark was terrified by the plausibility.

"It's gonna be ok. I'll help you raise them. I am their mom too ya know?" Lexa smiled hopping out of bed.

"No!" Clarke shook her head.

"Hun. I'm pretty certain I'm the only person whose knotted you." Lexa laughed.

"No. I'm not having this child." Clarke clarified.

"Clarke what are you talking about?" Lexa paused taken aback.

"Lexa. I don't want to have a child. I don't want to be a mom. And if I did? I certainly don't want to have a child biologically. I have no interest in being weaker, forced to carry a baby, proof that I'm not an alpha-" Clarke was interrupted.

"It's rare but female Alphas can-" Lexa interjected only to be cut off in turn.

" No! You know that's not how it works! When an alpha is pregnant it's obvious from her scent that she is an alpha and not an omega!" Clarke yelled.

"Clarke. What are you gonna do? You are probably already pregnant. You spent most of the past day with my knot buried in you."

"Well, I'm sure as hell not gonna just let this happen, ensure everyone I know and meet for the next eighteen years knows immediately that I'm not what I say I am!" Clarke assured.

"Clarke. Even when you have a baby you are still an alpha. That doesn't make you any less who you are." Lexa attempted to comfort.

"Lexa! You don't understand! I would be less who I am. If only because who I am doesn't want to have kids." Clarke shut Lexa down.

"Clarke. That… that's my baby in there." Lexa whispered as if the potential of it changed anything.

"And it's my body!" Clarke yelled back defensive.

"I know that!" Lexa staggered backward appalled that Clarke thought that's what she meant.

"You have no right to tell me what to do with my body!" Clarke yelled stepping forward furious.

"CLARKE I KNOW THAT!" Lexa defended.

"Really!? Cause that sure sounded a hell of a lot like you telling me I can't end this without your permission!" Clarke snapped all but ready to behead Lexa, unwavering despite the fact that the whole argument was about nothing more than a plausibility at this point.

"That wasn't what I meant!" Lexa found her footing. "I thought that the fact that if! And only if you are actually pregnant with my child that it would change something! I... If you are pregnant that pup is a part of me!" Lexa paused. "I'm your mate... I… does none of that change anything?" Lexa asked, the words in truth a request, prayer, a wish, a hope, one not to be granted.

"No Lexa! And if that's more important to you than my happiness then maybe we shouldn't be each other's alpha's!" Clarke yelled, grabbing her pants and shoes.

"Clarke." Lexa whispered.

"Goodbye Lexa." Clarke sighed, looking down as she hopped into her pants.

"Clarke! You're my mate… please. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that." Lexa sighed.

"I... I have to go!" Clarke wavered for only a moment before storming off.

"Clarke." Lexa whimpered, confused how it had gotten so bad so fast, and she was once again left alone in her apartment, confused, worried, and missing the alpha whose scent still lingered in the air.

End of chapter 11

Authors note: sorry these chapters have been short lately. Idk that's just the pace I've been getting recently. Also, I've been busy with a new relationship so that has slowed release of chapters. But they are still coming I promise.

Alllllso! If you like the transdynamic aspect of this story, I have somewhat of a sister story I'm working on right now. It's the same general concept of a trans dynamic person, but it will be in the Supergirl fandom, and it will feature a trans omega! Just a fun fact! I will probably be posting the first chapter for that soon! I have about a chapter written so far, so I like to get a couple more before I release anything.

Chapter Text

Chapter 12

Authors note: idk if I'm a good enough writer to honor this subject. But at the end of the day, I am pro-choice. It's nobody else's business what someone else does with their own body. And… idk if these chapters will portray that as my personal philosophy well or not. But I wanted to throw that out there anyway before anyone gets the wrong idea and thinks I'm pro-life or something. it's a hard topic to talk about. But if it's mentionable it's manageable (yes that is a quote, I think Mr. Rogers or something idk. I heard it from Sarah Silverman quoting someone else.) I hope to do it justice.

(Also. I am not trying to make a statement of any sort. This is just where my ideas went, and what felt like where the story had to go.)

"Y... Yeah." Octavia answered her phone groggy, sleep still crusting her eyes.

There was a pause.

"Uugh it is 8 am on a fucking Sunday! Whoever the hell you are, speak before I find and kill you!" Octavia threatened.

"Octavia." Lexa sniffled, it immediately clear that she had been crying.

"H… hi..." Octavia stumbled on her words, having not spoken to Lexa in days since their argument.

"I… brought coffee." The words held such a weighted history for the women. immediately reminding them of their promise.

"You remember that." Octavia chuckled.

"And I'm at your front door" Lexa confirmed what Octavia already knew. Ever since they had lost costia they had a long-standing agreement if either of them needed a friend they only needed to show up with coffee and they would be there for each other.

"Let me put on a shirt." Octavia answered, hopping out of bed and hanging up.

"Hi." Lexa raised a cup offering it to Octavia, as Octavia opened the door, her hair a puffy amorphous blob.

"You're lucky you brought coffee." Octavia snatched the cup eagerly bringing it to her lips as she turned around and headed to her couch, leaving the door open for Lexa to follow. "I... Am I allowed in?" Lexa asked, disheartened that another of her relationships had grown to a point of such disarray.

"The deal was no matter what was going on we only needed to bring coffee." Octavia reminded as if it were an answer.

"I..." Lexa decided not to fight as she walked in, closing the door behind her..."Well, are you gonna talk to her. I'll be damned if this isn't at least about Clarke.

"I... Did talk to her." Lexa sighed.

"Wait... Then why aren't you buried knot deep right now!?" Octavia almost dropped her coffee in shock.

"I... I think I fucked up..." Lexa hesitated.

"Wait... What happened." Octavia shook her head confused.

"I… didn't Raven tell you Clarke and I got together?" Lexa paused.

"No. Uugh little miss I need to study turned her phone off for the weekend so she wouldn't get distracted by a booty call, and we are still both on our cycles..." Octavia growled sexually frustrated.

"Ohhh... I… well Clarke I got together." Lexa explained worried it was no longer true.

"Then why are you upset?"

"D... Do you think she would hate me?" Lexa pulled up her sleeve, staring at the scar. "For trying to reunite with her that day?"

"Lexa... Wait… did Clarke leave because of that!? Fuck her!" Octavia tried to piece together a story.

"No... She... She was perfect about it. She kissed it... Demanded to kiss my boo-boo." Lexa blushed before tears began to stream down her face.

"What happened!?" Octavia pushed.

"Do you think costia would hate me for it?" Lexa demanded an answer.

"No. She never judged like that. I... If she had been there that morning instead of me she would have held you and begged you to go to her before trying it again. She would have told you how much she loved you and that she was always going to be there for you." Octavia answered comfortingly.

" Yeah… she would have, wouldn't she?" Lexa nodded tears overwhelming her.

"Hey... Lexa..." Octavia hopped up from the couch and hugged her friend.

"I fucked up Octavia." Lexa sobbed into the friend she missed deeply.

"Hey... Lexa… I… it's gonna be ok. Whatever it is." Octavia assured hugging Lexa tighter. "Hey! I can smell her on you! You two mated. That's good!" Octavia tried to cheer Lexa up.

"I… I think I've lost another mate Octavia." Lexa whimpered scared.

"Woah woah woah she is alive, right?" Octavia confirmed to a head nod from Lexa. "Ok then. You haven't lost her."

"She… she left... I... I don't think she… I don't… I don't think she wants to come back..." Lexa sobbed.

"Hey! Lexa. Sit down. It's gonna be ok. We can figure it out. What happened?" Octavia calmed

" I… she is pregnant Octavia. She is pregnant." Lexa admitted it to herself... She had already known. She knew it from the moment she woke up. The first thing she realized was the changes in Clarke's scent, her heat gone, the heady scent of omega craving knot was gone, replaced with the soft sweetness of her mate's body preparing for what was growing inside her.

"I… well... that's no reason to break up." Octavia tried to understand.

"It is if I told her not to have an abortion." Lexa grimaced, knowing that was how her words were received.

"Lexa… that... That isn't you… I..." Octavia stammered in disbelief.

"I... Well… that isn't what I said or meant... But… it's how she took it... I... I thought… I thought that because it was my baby… because… because it was a part of me it would change something. That… that she wouldn't want to get rid of it. I... I thought she would love having my child like she loves... Loved... Me." Lexa tried to straighten her thoughts as she spoke.

"Ohh… Lexa…" Octavia sighed, understanding Lexa, the urge and the hope that she could have changed her mate's mind, especially when it came to something she knew was so important to Lexa.

"She doesn't want to have it Octavia." Lexa felt the tears return once more.

"Lexa… oh god..." Octavia gasped... Realizing how much pain Lexa was in. "I... I know how long you and Costia tried for."

"I... And the first time I knock a girl up she won't keep it..." Lexa sniffled hating it. "And she left me just for asking her not to."

"Lexa." Octavia hugged Lexa tighter.

"I don't know what to do..." Lexa whimpered.

Raven woke to the slamming of the front door followed by a growl a tormented scream. "What the fuck!"

"I... I… ahhhh! B… bitch! How could she!" Clarke screamed steaming, slamming the door to her room so hard that the wood frame cracked audibly. "I... I... I..." Clarke screamed as Raven watched the fist bust through their rooms conjoining walls.

"Clarke! Not ok!" Raven yelled. "You are paying the security deposit on this place now!"

"I... I'm sorry…i... Lexa..." Raven could hear Clarke begin to sob as the hand slipped back behind the broken wall.

"What happened?" Raven popped up from her bed, realizing how bad this must be.

"I… Lexa..." Clarke whimpered, collapsing against the wall, holding her bleeding hand.

"Clarke." Raven sighed worriedly, rushing to Clarke's broken door where she had trouble opening it.

"Fuck!" Clarke yelled angrily, frustrated, upset, scared and confused. "Clarke?" Raven called from the other side of the door, struggling to open it.

"I… Raven" Clarke sniffled.

"Goddammit. Did you need to break the door?" Raven groaned, jiggling the handle to no avail.

"I… Fuck! I fucked up!" Clarke yelled, ignoring Raven's words but aware she was there and listening.

"I'd love to talk about it. I still have seven chapters to study, ten hours of sleep to catch up on, and a paper to do all by tomorrow morning, but I'd love to talk about it." Raven mumbled most of her words under her breath before speaking back up." Hey. help me open the door, whatever it is we can fix it." Raven comforted as best she could, frustrated, but concerned.

"I..." Clarke whimpered scared.

"Wait... Clarke." Raven sniffed, now ramming the door with her shoulder.

"I..."

"Clarke, what happened to your heat? You don't smell like heat. You weren't due to end for another four days?" Raven questioned worriedly. "Clarke! What the hell did you do!" Raven could feel the door beginning to give way.

"I fucked up… I didn't know." Clarke couldn't believe the situation she was now in.

"Clarke! Tell me you didn't do something stupid!" Raven finally busted through the door as the frame splintered more. "Tell me you didn't do what I'm afraid you did!" Raven ran to Clarke immediately checking her neck and then pulling Clarke's legs apart at the knees looking worriedly for blood.

"Raven!" Clarke yelled pushing Raven off.

"You didn't! Thank God!" Raven sighed, sitting down relieved.

"W… what the hell got into you!?" Clarke yelled grabbing a pillow and holding it over her lower torso, feeling violated.

"I... I saw blood on the other side of the wall... I... I was worried you did something stupid!" Raven explained.

"Raven. You know I don't self-harm. What the hell are you talking about?" Clarke thought back to how this whole argument had started and it's subsequent realization. Her care and wishing to protect Lexa. "Fuck..." Clarke noticed she was crying again.

"I... I... I thought you did something to make sure you wouldn't have to deal with heats anymore..." Raven answered worried. "What happened to your heat!?"

"Wait... What!? That's a thing? How have you not told me that there is a way to stop my heats earlier!?" Clarke yelled sitting up, furious that Raven hadn't mentioned this earlier.

"Because it is dangerous and not safe. If they had real doctors doing it I would have told you at Finn's funeral when you first told me." Raven defended. "Plus things were handled for the most part with me giving you half my suppressants."

"Yeah well, that sure fucked me over!" Clarke rolled her eyes.

"What!? I... But you aren't dying or maimed?" Raven confirmed relaxing.

"I..." Clarke swallowed." I'm pregnant."

"You're what now!?" Raven dropped her jaw.

"I'm pregnant..." Clarke repeated broken.

"No that isn't possible! You're on a fuck ton of suppressants. And Lexa is responsible, there is no way you two didn't use a condom." Raven shook her head.

"We didn't. And I am. It's why my heat stopped. I... Lexa and I had a fight... About having kids… about… this kid... Before I knew I even was pregnant..." Clarke explained.

"I... Oh... Honey..." Raven moved to hug Clarke.

"I… Raven... We mated..."

"Yeah… I know you two weren't quiet about it." Raven rolled her eyes again.

"Raven I broke up with her... With my mate." Clarke whimpered, unsure how she would deal with moving forward.

"Woah. Woah. Woah. You said you two fought. Not that you broke up."

"We did... I... She didn't want me to… I... You know I don't want to be a mom." Clarke reminded.

" She didn't want you to what!?" Raven urged.

"I... She… wanted me to keep it…" Clarke whimpered hating that she was away from her alpha at all right now, and the fact that they were so at odds with each other made everything so much worse.

"Clarke..." Raven sighed holding her friend.

"I… I left in a huff." Clarke admitted.

"Clarke... Did Lexa actually say anything like that she wouldn't let you have an abortion?" Raven asked suspicious knowing it would be out of character for any of Octavia's friends to say such a thing.

"I… no..." Clarke sniffled.

"Then is it possible it isn't over? That you two can work it out? She is your mate…" Raven tried to cheer Clarke.

"No… she... She just said she hoped that it being hers would change my feelings about it." Clarke explained.

"Well… does it?" Raven asked honestly while withholding judgment.

"Of course it changes my feelings… Bi love her... But. I don't think I want this. And especially not now..." Clarke admitted.

"Maybe that's what she was looking for… not to force you into keeping it. Just… an acknowledgment that it matters that there is a part of her in there." Raven reasoned knowing Clarke was coming around.

"I need to call my alpha." Clarke sighed missing Lexa both emotionally and physically, her body aching to be held by the woman who had seeded her.

"Then call her. Then a contractor." Raven glared at Clarke then the hole in the wall above them.

"I love you Raven. You are an amazing friend." Clarke hugged Raven.

"Love you too hun. Take care of yourself ok?" Raven moved to stand, but got caught by Clarke's hand, grabbing hers.

"Wait. You… mentioned a way I could stop my heats..." Clarke looked to Raven, her eyes pleading for truth.

"I... Clarke... It isn't a good idea." Raven tried to avoid it worried for her friend, seeing the torturous mix of hope and pain welling in Clarke's eyes. "It's a thing some... Some doctors will do for enough money on the side. I... It's pretty much just a hysterectomy. But. They take out your scent glands too. And… it stops heats. But no real documentation has been done on why removing the uterus, ovaries, and scent glands cause heats to stop in biological omegas. I mean there are the obvious reasons. But, no doctors do it legally. Its all back Alley stuff." Raven explained.

"Raven!" Clarke yelled wishing she had known about this sooner.

"Clarke… I would support you completely if it was safe. But... Clarke... It isn't. I've been doing rounds at local hospitals for my internships… I've seen five people this month come in from this botched procedure. Three of them are dead Clarke."

"I… fuck..." Clarke sighed worriedly.

"I love you, and if I were a surgeon I would offer to help myself or at least make sure you could get the procedure done correctly. But in the meantime, the suppressants are just safer hun." Raven explained her fear.

"I..." Clarke paused. "Thank you Raven." Clarke hugged Raven tight, feeling appreciative of her friend's care.

"It's gonna be ok hun. Now go get the girl." Raven patted Clarke on the back. "And let me fucking sleep!"

End of chapter 12

Chapter Text

Chapter 13

"C... Clarke!?" Lexa cried as she walked up to her apartment to see her alpha sitting at her doorstep. "Clarke!" Lexa grabbed her in a desperate hopeful hug. "I... Uugh." Clarke stirred, opening her eyes as she felt her alpha's arms around her, the woman's scent sweet, calming and perfect, everything Clarke had needed. "Lexa." Clarke purred into her alpha, allowing herself to yield to her craving.

"Clarke!" Lexa reveled, holding her alpha tight. Taking in the sweet scent of her pregnant mate. "I... Was so scared..."

"I... I called. You didn't pick up." Clarke held Lexa tighter.

"My phone died." Lexa explained.

"I... Needed to see you... I knocked... I... When you didn't answer I waited at your door. I… needed to talk to you."

"Baby..." Lexa sighed." I wasn't home. I would never not answer for you."

"I love you." Clarke held to her.

"I love you too." Lexa assured.

"I…"

"I know you are... I did the moment I woke up this. I... It's why I cared so much. I... I love you. And... I... If you don't want to... I... I understand." Lexa felt the tears falling as she offered the olive branch.

"I... Lexa..." Clarke didn't know what to say or how to say it.

"I'm sorry. I love you." Lexa apologized.

"I love you too." Clarke agreed, holding to Lexa worried and conflicted.

"Are you ok Clarke?" Lexa worried.

"I... I don't think I can do this. I... I can't have them." Clarke whimpered almost upset.

"It's ok. W... Wanna go inside baby?" Lexa offered.

"Please... We need to go back to bed." Clarke requested, holding tightly to Lexa as the alpha picked her up and opened the door.

"Of course my love. I... I just want you happy." Lexa sighed, pain in her eyes as she thought to what was still in her back pocket.

"What's wrong love?" Clarke recognized the pain. It… looked so similar to her own unexpected pain.

"I... I got you something on my way home. I was gonna call and offer it to you." Lexa admitted, placing Clarke down on her bed.

"I... What'd you get me?" Clarke watched as Lexa pulled the pills from her back pocket.

"I wanted to show you that I respected your choice. Even if it isn't exactly the morning after it should still be close enough. I love you. It is your choice." Lexa offered handing them to Clarke.

"I..." Clarke held the plan b packaging. "I..." Clarke went to pop a pill free before she stopped herself, unsure. "I love you Lexa… this means a lot." Clarke thanked, feeling tears well in her eyes.

"Clarke... I didn't mean to make you cry!" Lexa rushed to wipe away the tears.

"I… I don't know if I can do this." Clarke's fingers trembled as she turned the package within her fingers.

"I love you. And this is your decision. I have already overstepped enough." Lexa rubbed a comforting hand over Clarke's shoulder.

"I love you Lexa. I… how long do I have to decide?" Clarke asked looking up to Lexa.

"Five days. Well, four now." Lexa answered.

"I love you." Clarke hugged Lexa tightly.

"I... What do you think your gonna do?" Lexa asked, her heart in her throat.

"I... I don't know yet... But. I might keep it. I love you. It is yours. I… if I have to do this… I want it to be yours." Clarke explained.

"You don't have to do this tho." Lexa reminded.

"I know. B... But I like the idea of my alpha going crazy trying to make sure I have everything I want and need while I carry her pup." Clarke smiled a little too much for her own taste.

"Baby. I... Is this your instincts kicking in? I... Should I be trying to talk you out of this choice?" Lexa feared the answer.

"I don't know. A little of instinct, a little of me I think. But I love you. And... If you promise to take good care of me and that I won't have to go out too much... Like that... And face everyone thinking I'm something other than who I am... Them… I think I could stand this. That it wouldn't kill me or drive me insane." Clarke offered.

"I love you baby!" Lexa tackle hugged Clarke, rolling around in bed.

"I love you too Lexa." Clarke giggled happily.

End of chapter 13

Chapter Text

Chapter 14

Author's note: Hey I'm so sorry I've been gone! I'm back now tho! I got taken by god of war! Damn, it was so good game of the year easy! (I'm aware it's still May) but, it has consumed me along with my new someone special.

Updates will still be slow tho :(

I start at Starbucks on Friday!

side note: consent matters! I like Lexa being so taken by Clarke's scent in this chapter. But someone asleep cannot consent. I enjoy this chapter. But please understand I don't support Lexa's behaviors within, especially because they didn't talk about it beforehand.

Clarke awoke to the noises of soft growls and hands on the inside of her thighs. "I... Lexa?" Clarke realized her legs were being spread.

"Mine!" Lexa growled deeper, sniffing along Clarke's core, having had removed Clarke's pants while the alpha slept.

"Baby! I... Jesus! My pants!" Clarke sighed realizing Lexa had removed them as she slept.

"Sweet, sweet, pregnant and mine!" Lexa demanded, sniffing along Clarke's pelvis and down along her panties.

"Fuck. Lexa..." Clarke whimpered, feeling the alpha's hot breath against her panties.

"Mine!" Lexa ordered, pulling Clarke's panties to the side with one finger.

"Lexa!" Clarke wanted to fight but appreciated the growls and dominance of her alpha. "Fuck"

"Does my alpha want me to taste her?" Lexa offered, breaking the spell Clarke's pheromones had her under.

"Lexa... Please… I. Dammit… you smell good too." Clarke felt Lexa's scent hit her.

"That's what happens when a bonded pair mates and one gets pregnant. "Lexa began to nip and suck at the inside of Clarke's thigh.

"Ohh! Lexa! Please!" Clarke cried out feeling herself moisten.

"That's my girl." Lexa praised, yielding to her dominant instincts.

Clarke's face immediately contorted, angered and wishing to contest the alpha in between her thighs despite her pounding core and incessant ache. "I am your alpha!" Clarke growled, wrapping her legs around Lexa's torso and torquing her hips, forcing Lexa onto her back with Clarke on top of her.

"Mhmm, I can feel your wet pussy against me." Lexa smiled wide, still slightly under the spell of Clarke's pheromones.

"Fuck." Clarke whimpered as her body rolled against Lexa's torso involuntarily. "I love you." Lexa assured, sitting up as Clarke fell back into her lap. "I know you are my alpha." Lexa kissed Clarke softly. "I am yours too. If you really want me to not be so dominant with you ever that is fine. But please understand I'm not trying to say you are any less an alpha." Lexa assured, giving her alpha soft sweet kisses.

"I love you." Clarke held to Lexa, melting slightly.

"I love you too." Lexa soothed.

"I… can you go back to… I... To… what you were doing a minute ago?" Clarke averted her eyes.

"Of course my love!" Lexa flipped them back and immediately began kissing down Clarke's body.

"I love you!" Clarke gasped, melting back into the bed, spreading her legs slowly for Lexa, feeling her blood pump faster, her pulse pounding in her core.

"That's my girl." Lexa tested the waters once more as Clarke melted further, her core soaked as Lexa could now see Clarke perfectly through the wet white panties. soaked, pink, and ready for the alpha atop her.

"Please! Lexa!" Clarke panted, throwing her head back into a pillow. "Fuck I need you!" Clarke pleaded, her hands balling into fists, catching the sheets, holding on for dear life.

"That's it." Lexa purred pleased as she pulled at the tight panties that hugged Clarke's every perfect curve and accentuated the seductive nature of Clarke's wide hips rocking off the bed softly, demonstrating her desperation. "Lexa!" Clarke demanded, tense as pain built within herself, filling the spot where she wished that Lexa would finally grace with the soothing warmth of her tongue.

"So impatient." Lexa teased, pulling off the lacey panties that covered Clarke.

"God… damnit." Clarke mumbled, biting her lower lip, frustrated that she found Lexa's taunt so deeply alluring. Lexa giggled softly to herself as she began kissing adjacent to Clarke's lower lips. Lexa gracing her lips along the side of Clarke's, kissing softly at first and then slowly allowing her tongue to slip out and taste along the wetness that covered Clarke's labia majora.

"Lexa!" Clarke screamed almost angry in her desperation. "Stop! T... Teasing!" Clarke whimpered.

"That's my wet pregnant girl." Lexa mused as she licked slightly deeper, moving closer to Clarke's center.

"I… I… oh..." Clarke's eyes rolled back completely as she felt the warmth of Lexa's breath coating her soaked lips and Lexa's tongue striking up in between her folds.

"There you go." Lexa soothed as she lapped deeper and deeper into Clarke, growling and moaning softly as she adored the taste of her lover, the thick scent of her sweet pheromones, calling to Lexa's every sense. "Fuck..." Lexa moaned deeper into Clarke as she realized she was now completely buried in a now howling Clarke. "You… taste… mhmm" Lexa moaned, returning to devouring Clarke's puss, feeling her own body drip, deeply satiated by the taste of her pregnant lover on her tongue.

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" Clarke continued screaming, her hands now interwoven with Lexa's hair, pushing Lexa deeper as she bucked up onto the perfect mouth expertly sucking, lapping, devouring at her aching pussy.

Lexa growled deeply sated as she could smell Clarke's climax approaching.

"I... I… Lexa!" Clarke cried, lost to Lexa's tongue cumming as she bucked once more into Lexa.

"Ohhh that is my girl!" Lexa praised incredibly satisfied as she licked up the mess Clarke left her. Lexa couldn't believe how wonderful it tasted and smelled as Clarke relaxed onto the bed, tension completely gone from her body.

"Lexa... Ohhh." Clarke whimpered.

"You feel good?" Lexa teased.

"I… s… so… good." Clarke sighed, letting go of Lexa's hair.

"I'm glad. I love you baby." Lexa smiled, kissing softly up Clarke's body. "Need some rest?"

"I need nothing. Ooooh, I am perfect right here." Clarke moaned softly.

"That's it. I love you. I'm here. Whatever you need. I love you. I want you to be happy. I know this won't be easy on you." Lexa offered, rubbing a hand over Clarke's bare belly as she laid next to Clarke.

"I… I… thank you." Clarke smiled.

"Remember, I'm gonna be going crazy trying to make sure you have everything you want and need while you carry my pup." Lexa teased.

"I... H... How'd you… how'd you know I'd made a decision?" Clarke looked to Lexa, surprised.

"You didn't jump to take them when you woke. If it was your instincts that made you crave to keep it then it would have broken by now even if only for a bit. you would have had a clear enough head to make a decision. "Lexa answered, still rubbing a hand over Clarke's lower belly.

"I love you." Clarke smiled softly.

"I... You know. Costia and I tried… we… we could never conceive. I... I can't explain how happy I am that this is happening. I... I love you so much. I... I have wanted this for so long." Lexa admitted.

"I'm sorry love. And... I… like I said if I have to do this... I'm happy it's with you." Clarke explained.

"Baby. You don't have to. I... The pills are still on the nightstand where you left them." Lexa's eyes gestured to the package, doing her best to hide her fear.

"I love you. And… I am happy this is with you. I... Look… I love you. And... I... I want this..." Clarke smiled and nuzzled Lexa.

"I love you baby." Lexa smiled back holding Clarke tight.

End of chapter 14

Chapter Text

Chapter 15

"Clarke! I swear to god if it's you I will kick you out myself! I still have three more chapters to go back over for tomorrow!" Raven yelled from her bed in her pajamas, a messy bun, and fuzzy slippers, sitting cross-legged with three open textbooks, and four notebooks messily arranged as she did her best to study for her biomechanical engineering classes.

"It's not Clarke." Octavia called back.

"Hell no! If you come in I won't even get another page reviewed!" Raven yelled back.

"I'll quiz you." Octavia offered, her voice seemingly much louder without her having raised it.

"Octavia, what the hell are you doing?" Raven yelled, catching the scent of her alpha.

"I can hear you whimpering for me already." Octavia called walking down the hallway to her mate's bedroom.

"I... The door was locked!" Raven yelled.

"You gave me a key last month." Octavia stood at the door to her omega's room, resting her hand on the doorknob, not wanting to enter without Raven's approval.

"I missed you." Raven sighed, feeling her alpha close.

"I missed you too love. It was hard to stay away so long. Especially while we are in the end of our cycle." Octavia answered from behind the thin door.

"Is your rut ok? Your knot didn't pop again without me, did it?" Raven asked worriedly, concerned that Octavia had endured much pain without her.

"It did. But I was ok. I rested and iced it once the swelling went down. And your heat? Are you ok my love?" Octavia placed a hand against the door, wishing she could hold her lover.

"I… studying was a lot slower, I... Most of the pain was subdued with heating pads, suppressants, and tea." Raven answered.

"Would you like me to quiz you? I know that you've gone over each chapter at least three times." Octavia chuckled.

"I… only did these last three chapters twice." Raven mumbled.

"I love you baby." Octavia laughed again. "I… need to sleep. I... Would probably get better rest with my alpha by my side... Maybe even better than that if she would hold me. Kiss the back of my neck gently as we fall asleep together as our cycles ebb." Raven suggested.

"I love you baby." Octavia replied opening the door finally.

"Alpha." Raven felt the scent of Octavia hit her hard as she lept from her bed, knocking a book and a notebook off as she did.

"Hey baby." Octavia laughed, holding the omega who had just tackled her.

"Alpha." Raven whimpered.

"Long weekend huh baby?" Octavia kissed Raven's forehead.

"Too long."

"I love you baby. It's time to go to bed." Octavia pulled Raven towards the bed slowly.

"I missed you." Raven whimpered into her strong alpha as she removed the books and papers from the bed, piling them neatly on the nightstand.

"I missed you too." Octavia turned around and swiftly picked up Raven in her arms, laying her down on the bed. "My beautiful girl. I missed you so much my love." Octavia echoed.

"Mhm get in bed with me baby!" Raven demanded, yanking Octavia in with her.

"That's it baby." Octavia laughed, Cuddling the omega tight. "So… umm… did you happen to talk to Clarke today?"

"Ohhhh yeah" Raven sighed. "She is pregnant."

"I know. Lexa felt terrible."

"Clarke felt terrible!" Raven corrected.

"Oof those two… need to learn to talk to each other." Octavia rolled her eyes. "Yeah… Clarke… she is pregnant." Raven's eyes snapped to Octavia's, watching and waiting patiently to read her responses.

"Yeah. I heard there was a scare. What's she gonna do?" Octavia tried to hide her own feelings on the topic.

"I… I… I don't think she is sure yet. But... I think she is afraid more than anything. I... When I knew her as a kid... She always wanted to have a child. But... It all changed when she presented as a Biological omega. She suddenly had no interest in it. I… I think she convinced herself that she never wanted to have a child because she knew she couldn't have one the way she wanted to. She has wanted to sire a child for decades. But she never wanted to carry one, especially not as an omega." Raven explained.

"Poor Clarke." Octavia sighed realizing just how hard it must be for her.

"Yeah... I... Whatever she does... I know it won't be easy for her." Raven agreed as she nuzzled her alpha.

"So… what would you do if you were her?" Octavia smiled as she saw the omega's head immediately pop up.

"I... Uugh... I mean... I… I want kids… so… I... I would keep them." Raven blushed.

"Oh? You do my love?" Octavia grabbed Raven and rolled around in the bed with her.

" I... Of course." Raven blushed deeper. "I think I would like that." Octavia kissed Raven happily.

"Awww baby." Raven felt her breath hitch, feeling her core tense, her heat still burning softly in her.

"That's my girl. But baby making for your next heat. Rest tonight. Exams tomorrow." Octavia kissed her omega softly.

"Mhmm damnit. You're the worst, getting my heat all riled up at the end of my cycle and then reminding me that I have exams to come still tomorrow." Raven groaned angrily.

"Yes yes love. Now get some rest. Your alpha is here and she will protect you my baby." Octavia kissed Raven's forehead before holding her close in the bed, ready to sleep.

"I love you too baby." Raven relaxed. "I... You really mean it? I… baby making next month?" Raven whimpered scared but hopeful.

"I would really like that" Octavia nodded softly.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

End of Chapter 15

Chapter Text

Chapter 16

"Mine." Octavia growled softly, nipping at the omega in her arms as the alarm blasted.

"O!" Raven moaned, moistening, breathing in the strong scent of alpha rut subsiding.

"That's my girl." Octavia mused.

"I... I have exams today." Raven reminded.

"You also have a loving alpha who will drive you to the exam room." Octavia assured.

"I... Don't have long." Raven cautioned.

"When has it ever taken me long to make you cum?"

"Ohhh fuck." Raven whimpered.

"That's a girl." Octavia moved, rolling Raven onto her back.

"I... Only have an hour..." Raven felt her pulse race, Octavia pulling her legs open as the alpha kissed down her thighs towards the damp core only covered by her panties.

"Then I'll make you cum twice. Once now... Once in the shower." Octavia promised, nipping at the inside of Raven's thigh.

"Octavia! Oh... Fuck... I... O... One is... E... Enough... F... Fuck..."Raven tried to catch her breath.

"That's my princess." Octavia moved closer, licking up and down along the wet spot on Raven's panties.

Raven couldn't find words, her breath leaving her completely as her muscles gave in completely. Raven couldn't help but Give in completely, her loving alpha between her thighs whispering such words.

"You like hearing that you are my princess?" Octavia offered, lapping slowly at the wet spot, purring softly as she tasted her lover through the panties.

"I... I..." Raven stammered, soft and ragged moans escaping her lips.

"There you go. All aching?"

"Fuck! G... G... Get my panties off! Now!" Raven screamed feeling torturously close already.

"Aww? My little princess doesn't think she can cum with her panties still on?" Octavia teased in between deepening licks along Raven's pulsating core.

"I... Please! I... Wanna cum!" Raven pleaded, scrambling to remove the panties that clung to her body preventing her from fully feeling her lover's delightful tongue.

"No! Bad girl!" Octavia swatted at the hands trying to remove the panties. "You will now have to keep them on till you cum for being a bad little princess." Octavia smiled wide looking up towards Raven.

"Y... Yes, my alpha." Raven nodded weakly.

"Much better." Octavia offered, returning to the now drenched panties coated with her lover's perfect slick, the perfect sultry scent filling her mind, driving her to help her omega release.

"O! I... Fuck... M... More..." Raven whimpered.

Octavia hastily obliged devouring Raven, sucking and nibbling softly at the swollen clit of her omega.

Raven let loose a desperate scream as her legs wrapped around Octavia, her body shaking as she came. Octavia delighted in the climax of her mate, lapping deeper, helping Raven through her climax as she broke down and released in pleasure.

"I... I... O... O... Octavia..." Raven tried to form words as her climax ebbed.

"That's my perfect princess." Octavia purred, picking Raven up and carrying her to the bathroom.

"I… baby..." Raven melted into the arms of the strong alpha.

"Yes my love?" Octavia smiled back, pleased with herself.

"I... Mhmm, that was really nice baby."

"I'm glad. Because now it's time to clean you up while getting you all dirty again." Octavia chuckled to herself turning on the shower.

"I only have… fifty minutes to get to my exam." Raven reminded.

"I know. I know. And you will be all dry, clothed and thoroughly satisfied." Octavia assured, allowing Raven to stand.

"I... May I remove my panties my alpha?" Raven dropped her head submissive.

"Of course my love." Octavia answered as she slowly undid the buttons to Raven's top.

"I." Raven felt her breath run off as she felt the alpha's hands so close to her chest, slowly disrobing her.

"That's my girl." Octavia moved in closer slipping off Raven's top, kissing the omega deeply, capitalizing on the omega's breath running away from her.

"Ohh." Raven kissed back, grabbing at Octavia's sides, desperate to have something to hold to as her knees melted to jelly.

"Good little princess." Octavia praised.

"I... Baby..." Raven stammered.

"That's it. Now. Let's get into the shower. It's nice and warm, just how my baby likes it." Octavia smiled wide, turning her back to Raven and stepping into the shower, pulling her hair over her shoulder, revealing her perfect silhouette to the omega.

"Fuck… I... You" Raven felt her feet following on their own. Failing to stop as she walked into her alpha, hugging her tight, pushing her body against her alpha's needily, craving the love and support only her alpha could give.

"Aww, baby." Octavia locked her fingers with Raven's. "You ok love?" they both felt the warm water rush over them, bringing them closer together in the cramped shower but to them, it couldn't have felt better if it were bigger than the whole apartment. "I missed you so much." Raven whimpered.

"I missed you too." Octavia comforted. "No... Baby... It wasn't just that... I... Baby... I don't wanna be away from you like that again. Not ever." Raven explained.

"Raven. I would have come if you called. I came without you even calling! Not to mention… you were the one that told me not to come. Not to call or text even baby. I would have been happy to come and help quiz you. Or just help you study baby. I... I love you. And this was no easier on me baby. When I say I missed you… I mean it." Octavia bore her sensitive heart. The one she had hidden when her lover asked her to stay away during the height of their cycles, pushing away her insecurities, playing strong for her omega, but no longer.

"I... Baby." Raven sniffed as Octavia could feel the tears hit her back.

"Raven!" Octavia spun around, hugging the omega tight.

"Octavia… never leave me again."

"Never love." Octavia released the hug, stepping out of the shower and grabbing her pants, ignoring the water dripping on the floor from her.

"Baby?" Raven shivered, retreating under the warm water, insecure from her alpha wandering off so suddenly.

"Here." Octavia stepped back into the shower, taking Raven's hand, placing a key in it.

"I…"

"You move in on your time. In your own time. I have a spare under my doormat. I will get a copy made of it for myself today while you're in exams. I love you. My bed Is Yours… when you want it." Octavia closed Raven's hand around the key.

"What about Clarke?"

"What about her?"

"I... She... She is going through so much. I can't leave. I can't leave her. Not now." Raven answered.

"I love you. And as I said. In your own time."

" I love you baby. But where do you expect me to put this key?" Octavia giggled.

"Oh? Well, I have one idea." Octavia growled, slipping a hand up between Raven's thighs, immediately finding the still slick core.

"I... Damnit... O..."

"That's a girl." Octavia could feel Raven's hands shoot up clutching to her, the key digging into Octavia's shoulder.

"Fuck baby." Raven felt herself pushed against the wall of the shower, water beating down on them, as Octavia's fingers found her sweet spot, sending shocks along her whole body.

"My princess. My omega." Octavia whispered into Raven's ear, her tongue darting out to tease along the Omega's earlobe.

"Y... Y... Yours!" Raven whimpered.

"I want you to cum for me princess."

"Octavia. I..." Raven was caught in the alpha's advances, two fingers slipping deeper inside her, curling up and catching Raven's g spot, causing Raven's head to swim, completely taken by her alpha's hands-on and inside her.

"That's it my princess." Octavia continued unrelenting.

Raven writhed under her alpha's expert touch, masterful in all things Raven. All things her lover. "Baby! "

"There it is. Right there. Let it happen love. Relax." Octavia coached.

Raven followed her alpha's instruction, rolling her hips into Octavia's fingers, feeling the climax wash over her as she gave herself over to Octavia.

"That better baby?"

"I... Uugh. Yes. Much." Raven held to the wall of the shower to stay upright.

"Good. Now, turn around. I will get your hair." Octavia smiled reaching for the shampoo.

"Of course love."

"Good." Octavia took the shampoo slowly working it into Raven's scalp and working it down.

"I love you." Raven purred.

"I love your shampoo." Octavia giggled. "It always smells like you. Perfect, my wonderful omega."

"Of course." Raven rolled her eyes.

"I love you too baby."

"Thank you."

"Always my love." Octavia promised.

"No." Raven clutched to the key. "For... For the key... I... I can't come now... But... I love you. And I want to."

"I... Well. You know… we don't have to move into my place?." Octavia pulled out the body soap and began to caress her omega's body.

"What do you mean baby?"

"I Mean Lexa has been dying to leave that apartment for years. After her omega died she came so close to moving dozens of times. But she couldn't let it go... Buuut now that she has a pregnant alpha on her hands... She might be wanting to find a starter house. Maybe the four of us could find a duplex or something. A nice way to save on rent. And a great stepping stone for you two." Octavia explained. Her hands slowly making suds against Raven, coating her breasts, her belly, her arms, her ass, cleaning her lover as if worshipping. Performing her one true religion. Paying homage to her lover.

"Mhmm baby." Raven hummed, her lover's hands calming her, prepping her for the long day to come. "I'd like that."

"I'll talk to Lexa if you talk to Clarke?"

"Sounds good love." Raven nodded.

"I love you. And it's time to rinse off and dry up. You have exams to ace." Octavia began rinsing off and grabbing them both towels before shutting off the water.

"Thank you baby." Raven purred, humming as she stepped out, burying her face in the fluffy towel.

"Go get em love" Octavia kissed her omega's forehead.

"I love you." Raven moved closer, hugging Octavia not wanting to move.

"I thought you were all worried about getting to your exams on time?" Octavia giggled, slowly wrapping her arms around Raven.

"I… uugh." Raven whimpered clinging tighter.

"I know baby. But it is time to get some clothes on and get going." Octavia urged, knowing if she let her omega be late it would be her head.

"I love you. I need you."

"I know. I'll drop you off and I'll be ready to pick you up when you get out. I took the day off on Thursday when you asked me to not message you all weekend. I knew you would need me. That we would need each other." Octavia assured.

"I love you so much." Raven sniffled, crying softly, happy, relieved.

"I Love you too. It's time to go." Octavia urged.

"Ok. I'm ready." Raven wiped her eyes and looked up smiling.

End of chapter 16

Chapter Text

Chapter 17

Author's note- So like. First off idk much about IRL pregnancy. I'm AMAB (assigned male at birth) and I will never be pregnant, barring a miracle of science. But this is omegaverse so… I'm gonna just write what I feel like. Not worry too much about IRL accuracy.

"Morning." Lexa smiled as Clarke stirred, laying half atop her.

"H… hey?" Clarke cracked her eyes slightly, nuzzling closer to Lexa.

"Hows my alpha?" Lexa cooed, rubbing Clarke's back.

"I..." Clarke paused, groaning discontent with herself, her urges, and how she was acting.

"It's ok. You are ok. I love you." Lexa understood immediately.

"I'm not ok Lexa..." Clarke tried to sit up and growl but found her body still stuck to Lexa, holding the alpha tight, craving the embrace of her mate.

"Clarke." Lexa's fear evident as her whole body tensed with fear.

"I... I don't like being this way… I... I don't like this..." Clarke explained.

"Do you not Like it. Or are you afraid that you Like it, and you don't wanna seem weak?" Lexa countered.

"Are they different?" Clarke groaned, nuzzling closer.

"Yes. Because I'm an alpha too. It scares the shit out of me every time but I adore giving myself over to you the way you are giving yourself to me right now. And I ad-"

"No! It's not the same! For" Clarke interrupted, losing steam immediately as she popped up in bed. Immediately feeling the magnetic pull of her alpha, her body wanting to return to nuzzling the woman who had seeded her. "I... I..." Clarke stumbled, her mind foggy and clouded with needing her mate." I... I don't have a choice… you do..." Clarke whimpered giving in and feeling her drowsiness take her back towards sleep, whimpering more as she laid her head down on Lexa's belly, purring as their skin met, the sensation of her alpha against her the most perfect experience in the world, however also intensely bittersweet.

"Oh… baby..." Lexa sighed, looking inward to herself, as she ran a hand up and down Clarke's back, soothing her back to sleep, the first days of the pregnancy clearly taking their toll on her.

"I... Love you." Clarke sighed as sleep took her.

"Pour baby..."Lexa lamented, hurting that her lover was in so much pain. "I..." Lexa paused, knowing Clarke was asleep and that nothing she said would be heard or could help. And so, instead, Lexa allowed herself to drift to thought.

Clarke was right, Lexa had nothing but choice. Yes, it was hard and scary in a way to submit to Clarke, but in other ways, it was so easy. She loved Clarke with everything she had, and from the moment they met Lexa knew that she had some deep connection with Clarke and that she cared for Clarke's happiness almost, if not certainly more than her own. And the first time that Lexa chose to offer herself to Clarke, to submit. It was so easy because she could see how much the hurting alpha needed it, to see that she was entirely worthy of being who she is. It… just made everything all the easier.

Lexa paused, stopped to think what it would have been like to submit to Costia, what it was like in fact. They hadn't done it much. But on occasions Lexa allowed Costia to take the reigns in bed, and also just in home life. Submitting. She thought of it to think what it might feel like to submit to another without the knowledge that it would help validate her lover. Lexa realized then how much harder it must be for Clarke. That each and every time Clarke allows herself to submit she endures the same irrational intense indigenously alpha fear that her partner may never see her as an apt alpha once more. Furthermore that after Clarke's struggle to ever be seen as who she truly is… the idea of losing Lexa's respect for her as an alpha must be a torturous endeavor of insecurity.

Clarke yawned loudly hours later as she woke, stretching her back as she once more nuzzled the alpha under her.

"Hi baby." Lexa began softly.

"Lexa?" Clarke perked up. Hearing the fear in her lover's voice.

"Hey Clarke." Lexa caressed Clarke's cheek.

"Baby! What's wrong! Are you ok! If anyone hurts you I'll kill em!" Clarke roared.

"Always such a perfect alpha for me!" Lexa hummed, a smile growing wider over her face.

"Lexa!" Clarke insisted, worried for her mate.

"I'm fine. I was just worried about you." Lexa explained.

"I... I'm fine. You don't need to worry about me. I'm an alpha!" Clarke countered.

"I love you. And you worry about me too. So don't fight me on this."

"I... Fine..."Clarke growled, lowering her head and kissing Lexa's chest protectively.

"I love you Clarke." Lexa relaxed, allowing Clarke to kiss deeper and deeper as she moved up her chest to her neck.

"That's my girl. My Beautiful perfect girl." Clarke praised, climbing over Lexa.

"Alpha..." Lexa purred.

"Your alpha." Clarke corrected.

"My alpha." Lexa agreed, slipping further back In the bed.

"Good girl." Clarke nipped softly at Lexa's neck.

"Ohh… fuck..." Lexa panted, touching herself as she remembered she wanted to talk to Clarke.

"That's right. Feel yourself ache for your alpha." Clarke ordered as Lexa's core flooded instantly.

"I..."

"Thaaaaats it."

"C... Cla… Clarke..." Lexa fought to speak through whimpers.

"Perfect... Just perfect." Clarke delighted in Lexa's moans.

" F... Fuck… fucking… wet..." Lexa admitted, unsure if she wanted to speak or to be silenced.

"Oh, I'm sure you are my dirty girl." Clarke teased, sliding her hand down Lexa's body, towards the wet core covered only by her panties.

"D... Dammit..." Lexa moaned deeply, her hips rising, impatient.

"Awww is my girl desperate to feel my fingers on her aching pussy? To slip inside of you? To catch just the right spot, make you scream!" Clarke whispered the words into Lexa's ear, devouring the aching scent of her lover squirming and squealing as Clarke finished.

"Clarke!" Lexa pleaded.

"That's it. Mhmm, enjoy love." Clarke instructed as she slipped her hand down, catching Lexa's swollen clit, rubbing a soft taunting circle over it before meandering further.

"NOOOOO!" Any facade of self-control Lexa had left was shattered as she shook and begged. "Please! I... My clit! … oh... I... It's swollen and aching! Please! "

"Ohh I know baby." Clarke taunted, rubbing soft circles along Lexa's labia.

"Clarke!" Lexa howled trembling.

"Oh aren't you too adorable when you are wet and begging?"

"I... Ohh… yo... You... You are always. A... Always gonna be my alpha baby." Lexa promised, remembering her goal.

"Oh, of course, I will, and I will always be able to make you scream, just like… this!" Clarke moved her fingers up to pinch around Lexa's clitoral hood, massaging Lexa's clit perfectly.

Lexa screamed perfectly on cue, caught in her lover's touch, wrecked with the need to release, her heart pounding desperate to release.

"You are incredibly sexy when you are on the edge for me." Clarke licked along Lexa's neck.

"Ohhh… y... Y... Yours..." Lexa moaned, eyes half-lidded, allowing herself to drown in the overflowing pleasure of her lover's fingers at her core.

"Do you want to cum?"

"I..." Lexa felt her release inevitably near. "Please..."

"No." Clarke demanded.

"I... I..." Lexa whimpered.

"You aren't allowed to cum until I say you can."

"Clarke!"

"Do you understand?" Clarke pressed.

"Y... Yes, my alpha… I... B... But I need to..." Lexa whined.

"Too bad. Hold it. Hold it like a good little girl." Clarke growled as her dominance went straight to her head, feeling perfect, exquisite and delightful as she felt truly herself.

"Y... Yes m... My alpha." Lexa cried, screaming as her body demanded relief.

"Good girl." Clarke pulled her hand away as a sick smile filled her face.

"C... C… Clarke!" Lexa looked to her alpha confused.

"I love you." Clarke's smile widened.

"I... W... I... What!?" Lexa panted frustrated, wet and confused.

" It's called denial my love."

"I... D... Dewhat now!?" Lexa asked angrily.

"It's me telling you, when you can and when you can not cum." Clarke explained.

"I... I..." Lexa grew flushed beyond the point Clarke thought possible.

"You like?"

"I... I... I'm horny!" Lexa groaned flustered.

"Because of what I did or what I said?" Clarke raised an eyebrow.

"I... B... Both. Yes. I..." Lexa fidgeted, her hands traveling towards her core.

"Bad girl!" Clarke stopped her.

"I... But… I... Wet... I... It hurts baby."

"Mhmm perfect. I like that." Clarke nodded. "Do you? Do you enjoy being wet and aching for me? Incapable... Unallowed to release?"

"I... I..." Lexa looked away.

"Good girl." Clarke praised.

"I... Clarke?" Lexa swallowed down her embarrassment and drowning arousal.

"What's wrong baby?"

"I... I want you to know... To know, that no matter what I will always see you as a strong alpha. My strong alpha." Lexa assured.

"I know baby." Clarke dismissed.

"No… really... I... I did a lot of thinking as to why you feel so scared submitting."

"Lexa... Yes… it is that. But it's more. That... It isn't me. It's not what I want to be. it isn't who I am. I..." Clarke paused, Lexa listening eager to understand. "I don't feel like I'm me when I'm being submissive. I... Sometimes. Sometimes it's ok. Sometimes I don't hate it. Sometimes I can enjoy you caring for me and being dominant. But most of the time it feels like I'm betraying who I am. It just makes me feel wrong." Clarke expounded.

"I love you. And I won't lie. I don't completely understand. But I don't need to. I love you. And all I need is for my alpha to be happy." Lexa replied, bearing her heart, holding her lover's hand.

"I love you baby." Clarke smiled.

"I'm sorry. I... Even just taking in your scent now, and knowing what I do about pregnancy… I can't imagine how hard that will actually be on you." Lexa shied away from Clarke's eyes scared.

"Yes. I... It is scary. But… I love you."

"You don't have to do this. I..." Lexa grabbed the plan b pills from the nightstand. "I bought these for a reason. I mean it. I support you. I support your decision."

"I know love." Clarke closed Lexa's hand around the packaging. "I made my decision. I love you."

"I love you too Clarke. Thank you."

"But. You are gonna be suffering a lot of denial. Mhmm at least if you wanna be a good girl." Clarke teased.

"I... I..." Lexa blushed. "I think I might be ok with that."

End of chapter 17

Chapter Text

Chapter 18

"Thank fucking god." Raven sighed exiting her third exam of the day, wiping the sweat from her brow and finally turning her phone back on. Raven initially put her phone back in her pocket, sitting down on a nearby bench as she pulled out her backpack, looking for her water bottle and her suppressant pills. She hadn't taken full doses since she met Octavia. She had only been taking enough to ensure it would prevent any accidental pregnancies. Raven turned the container around in her hand reflecting on the talk she had with her alpha the night before. Raven waited, staring the pills down as if they would give her some definite answers, to lead her to what she should do. The weight of the choice held heavy on her symbolic of much more than just take the pill or don't. It was the decision as to whether or not she was ready to move on in her life. College was almost over. Christmas was coming and after she would only have one more semester until graduation, not to mention that if they left by new years she and Clarke could get out of their lease... Assuredly not with their security deposit after this weekend, however.

Raven's deep concentration was broken by her phone all but literally exploding with messages and phone calls. "Hmm!? Oh, Octavia! "Raven perked up excited to hear from her alpha and to inform her that it was time to go home. Raven pulled out her phone flipping it in her hand happily unlocking it.

5:48 pm

2 Text messages: Octavia Blake

6 text messages: Clarke Griffin

Facebook message: Clarke Griffin

5 Missed calls: Octavia Blake, Clarke Griffin

2 Voicemails: Clarke Griffin

"ooh lordy. What'd Clarke do this time?" Raven braced herself unlocking her screen and checking Clarke's messages.

Raven!

Raven! I need my friend to talk to!

Call me!

Fuck exams! Sorry!

Haha sorry! I know you were pissed I didn't have any. But you know I suffered finishing final projects over the past two weeks.

Well. You should be getting out soon. I. I'm sorry. But. I need you to tell me if I have my head on straight and it is kinda a time-sensitive issue.

"Oh god... Clarke, what did you do?" Raven sighed, hitting the call button worried as she got comfy on her bench not expecting this to be quick.

The phone rung startlingly loud as Clarke stroked up and down at Lexa's swollen cock, precum leaking readily as Lexa pleaded, whimpers drowning out all of her own thoughts bar the recurring mental scream that consumed her mind NEED TO CUM! IT HURTS!

"Aww, baby. You really wanna cum don't you?" Clarke lifted her lips from Lexa's swollen perked and aching nipple.

"F... F... Fuck..." Lexa panted, her cock and pussy drenched, core impossibly tight, desperate for relief.

"Now I have a phone call. If I leave you here will you be a good girl and resist the urge to touch?" Clarke teased.

"Y... Y... Yes... Yes, mistress." Lexa nodded broken, deep in subspace.

"Good girl." Clarke slapped Lexa's tight beautifully aching breast, causing Lexa to scream almost spilling over the edge.

"Ohhh..." Lexa whimpered, melting into bed, whole body pulsating and sensitive, constantly at risk of tipping over even without stimulation if she wasn't careful.

"Very good girl" Clarke added grabbing her phone and walking out of the room to speak with Raven.

"Pick up pick up pick up." Raven urged the dial tone.

"Raven!" Clarke cheered into the phone hearing the last 'pick up'.

"What happened? Are you ok?" Raven pushed worried.

"I... Mhmm yeah, I'm great!" Clarke mused thinking of Lexa moaning and desperate.

"Clarke. You left me… eight messages! During my exams! I thought you were dying or something!" Raven groaned disappointed with herself for not knowing better.

"Well depending on your perspective, it is a life and death issue." Clarke's tone changed incredibly more serious.

"I... Fuck... Is everything ok!?"

"I... So... I went back to Lexa after I left yesterday." Clarke began.

"Well duh, where else is a person on their cycle gonna go." Raven rolled her eyes.

"I... Fair." Clarke admitted. "And... She offered me plan b. To end it. As a sign of support."

"Clarke! I understand If you wanna do it, and it's your choice! But... Don't do it just cause it isn't the exact way you wanted to have a kid!" Raven interrupted.

"I... Well, I didn't." Clarke replied snide and shocked.

"I'm sorry. I know it isn't my place."

"It isn't!" Clarke snapped.

"I'm sorry." Raven echoed exhausted.

"I... It's ok. I... What do you mean not the ' exact way I wanted '" Clarke questioned.

"I mean you have wanted to be a mom since you were four Clarke." Raven's voice sincere and concerned.

"I... What the hell are you talking about!?"

"Clarke. I know you never liked to admit it. But I know you know it too. Until you presented you were so gung ho about having children when you were older. You always wanted to sire little ones! You wrote a whole page paper on wanting to have four kids when you grow up in kindergarten!"

"I was in kindergarten!" Clarke yelled back.

"So you admit it!?"

"I. I wanted to sire children Raven!"

"Exactly!" Raven cheered! "You want to be a mom!"

"I wanted to be a mom! Presenting as an omega changed all that!" Clarke's voice finally showing how deep the wound ran as it trembled.

"Clarke."

"No Raven! No!" Clarke asserted. "It isn't! It isn't the same!"

"No Clarke. But it is incredibly similar. Nine months, forty weeks. After that, it is the exact same. You will still be a mommy and still an alpha Clarke. And I know how much a part of you wants that. No matter how hard you have worked to silence that part of you." Raven argued.

"Well. I messaged and called to ask if you think I'm crazy to keep it... I didn't take the pills. They are still resting on Lexa's nightstand." Clarke admitted. "But... Uugh... I guess I know where you stand."

"Clarke I love you to death. I'm sorry if I upset you. But I felt like you needed to hear it." Raven soothed.

"I know... But... I... Raven... Are you sure I'm doing this for the right reasons?"

"Do you want to be a mom?"

"Of course I do… I've always wanted to be a mom..."

"You know your answer hun." Raven noted.

"I love you too hun." Clarke returned.

"Now... Don't you have an alpha to return to?" Raven giggled.

"Oh my god! Did you know if an alpha gets horny enough they can grow their cock even when not in their rut!?" Clarke yelled hushed into the phone, excited by the news.

"Just couldn't go a whole… three days without her cock could you?" Raven teased.

"Oh come on like you aren't gonna try it Tonight!" Clarke teased.

"Fair point fair point" Raven agreed.

"Well, night night." Clarke offered a goodbye.

"Ohh wait wait wait!" Raven interrupted.

"What wrong?" Clarke stopped before hanging up.

"I... So I was talking to Octavia... And. She was wondering if we wanted to move out? And get a place together. Potentially with her, me, you, and Lexa. Octavia suggested we try to find a duplex." Raven pitched.

"Hmm. You wanna move out?"

"Well if we don't well be stuck in our current lease another year. Honestly, when Octavia first pitched it she asked me to move in with her… I said I couldn't leave you with everything that's going on going on. But… Clarke. I still need you too. So whatever you wanna do. We will do that ok?" Raven offered.

"Of course Raven. I'm here for you too hun." Clarke comforted into the phone. "I will talk to Lexa. See you at home tomorrow?"

"Yeah. Thanks Clarke." Raven sighed.

"You ok?"

"Scared. I... Everything is changing..." soft whimpers of fear escaped Raven.

"Hey... It's gonna be ok. I promise. And I'm sure Octavia would agree." Clarke calmed a soft reassuring voice.

"Thanks. Hey, I just saw Octavia's car. I will talk to you later ok hun?"

"Have a good night Raven. Talk to you later." Clarke hung up as she returned to her lover. "Hey baby?" Clarke opened the door slowly seeing Lexa, still hard as a rock, eyes half lidded, face contorted in aching pleasure in bed.

"I... Ohh... Clarke... I... It hurts. Please." Lexa whimpered

"I love when you are caught up in bed aching like that." Clarke mused.

"I... Fuck... I… it won't go down baby..." Lexa whimpered.

"You were rock hard." Clarke smiled.

"It's still so swollen, softer but I'm still aching to cum." Lexa replied.

"Perfect. Now don't touch. Let it go down, mhmm I want you to be constantly drenched, so close constantly aching." Clarke smiled relaxing in bed. "Wanna watch tv?"

"I... I..." Lexa whimpered, further aroused and having a hard time unwinding.

"Good girl." Clarke made herself comfy as she clicked on the tv.

"What the hell have I agreed to..." Lexa shivered, curling up into Clarke a deliciously soaked hard and aching alpha.

Raven ran off to the familiar car, opening the door and hopping in eagerly. "Hey love!" Raven hugged Octavia before putting on her seatbelt.

"Hey love." Octavia replied back, kissing her omega.

"Heed you know when I got out?" Octavia tilted her head as she buckled up.

"You told me two weeks ago that you had three exams today and the times of them all, and I set an alarm to remind me when to pick you up that night."

"Aww. I love you baby." Raven grabbed one of Octavia's hands tight and held it. "I love you too." Octavia squeezed back. "I knew my omega needed me."

"You are perfect."

"No. I just love my girl."

"S... So... I... I didn't take my suppressants today. Not even the reduced dose I normally take." Raven lead.

"Are you sure?" Octavia paused. "Are you sure you wanna do this?"

"Yeah. Clarke can't be the only pregnant one."

"I love you. I'm so excited."

"We can provide for a little one right?" Raven paused scared.

"Well, your internship from this summer turned into a post-graduation job offer right?" Octavia reminded.

"Yeah."

"And with my income… The gym has been doing well." Octavia pushed out her chest proud.

"You think we can do it?" Raven double checked.

"I'm sure we can love." Octavia assured.

"Thank you baby." Raven purred, holding close to her alpha, eyes growing heavy on the car ride home.

End of chapter 18

Chapter Text

Chapter 19

"I... Uugh... Clarke?" Lexa questioned as she woke, her core painfully tight.

"Mhmm, you smell good..."Clarke purred, pleased, rubbing her cheek against Lexa's warm chest in the cold morning air. "You feel good." Clarke added, wrapping her legs around one of Lexa's and pulling the covers above her shoulder.

"F... Fuck..." Lexa groaned, Clarke's pleased scent not doing anything to help her arousal abate. "C... Clarke..." Lexa whimpered.

"You really think I don't notice?" Clarke slipped her hand down, wrapping it around Lexa.

'Clarke!" Lexa cried out, bucking up into Clarke's hand.

"That's it baby. Hmm, I like the idea of making you edge first thing in the morning."

"I... Ohh... That feels really good baby." Lexa moaned, rolling her hips as Clarke stroked at her.

"Good. I'm glad. Now tell me when you get close." Clarke instructed.

"I... I already am." Lexa groaned feeling her cock overly sensitive, each and every inch of Clarke's touch perfect and delightful.

"No. tell me when you think even one more second will push you over, when your cock is just about to spray your perfect seed all over yourself like a bad girl. Understand?" Clarke clarified. "I... Fuck... Ok. D... Damn. Baby... I... You..." Lexa had trouble with words.

"That's right love when you feel too good to form words baby." Clarke praised.

Lexa writhed, moaning, so close as Clarke pumped her length perfectly, her pace picking up. "F... F... Fuck! C... Close!" Lexa howled.

"Good girl." Clarke praised, pulling her hand back suddenly.

Lexa's jaw opened slowly as she released a belabored grunting moan, feeling something of a spark in her loin before it died out and her arousal spiked once more, feeling an abnormally large amount of precum leak down her painfully sensitive shaft. "F... F... F... Fuck... Happened..." Lexa moaned, her chest pounding, heart... Aching in an in an entirely unfamiliar way.

"You ok love?" Clarke checked under the covers to confirm her suspicion. "Ohh fuck... Baby..." Clarke sighed. "Someone didn't tell me fast enough."

"I..." Lexa felt a tear fall down the side of her face, confused by the rush of overwhelming emotions.

"Oh… baby." Clarke whimpered feeling bad for the alpha unintentionally experiencing her first ruin. "It's gonna be ok. I'm here." Clarke assured, looking to Lexa, wrapping her arms around the crying woman.

"I. Wh... What's happening? Why am I crying!?" Lexa questioned confused.

"It's ok. I'm here." Clarke wiped the tears from Lexa's Face. "I... You ruined."

"R... Ruined? Ruined what?" Lexa sniffled.

"I... Well, I guess technically I ruined your orgasm. But... Same thing." Clarke kissed Lexa's chest trying to calm her emotions.

"I… love you." Lexa held to Clarke.

"I'm here. I'm sorry. Are you ok?"

"I... Feel... Really weird."

"Hormones can go a little crazy when you ruin, so do emotions."

"I... Yeah... Sounds about right." Lexa agreed, calming down as her erection finally subsided.

"Is it getting better?"

"Yeah... But... I'm not sure I wanna do this anymore Clarke."

"Ok. Done. We won't do denial ever again. I'm sorry." Clarke declared immediately.

"I... I'm sorry love. I know you enjoyed it."

"No no no! Lexa. I love you. Yes, I did enjoy it. But I'm fine. I care about you. I love you." Clarke corrected.

"Thank you baby." Lexa cooed, relaxing and holding Clarke closer.

"I… speaking of which… umm... I talked to Raven last night." Clarke built up.

"Yes?"

"And… she... She mentioned that she and Octavia were… well, they were thinking, and they wanted to know if we wanted to find a place... And move in together."

"You wanna move in together?" Lexa giggled slightly in surprise.

"Well. Yeah. And... Like rent should be pretty good cause we would all be sharing a place together. I... I uugh. I admit I kinda looked some places up while you were sleeping. Between the four of us. We'd certainly be able to swing it. we… we would actually save a lot of money, even just from the perspective of someone living in what's pretty much a glorified dorm room." Clarke pitched the idea, supporting it as she did.

"I. I'll think about it love." Lexa retreated into herself.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing love. I... Nothing."

"Lexa?" Clarke pressed.

"I love you."

"Please. Talk to me."

"Clarke... I... I'm going to die in this home. I decided that more than half a decade ago."

"It's beautiful Lexa! This is it! We have to have it!" Costia squealed ecstatic.

"Haha, she has said that about all of the places we have toured." Lexa turned to the realtor as she grabbed Costia, covering her mouth playfully.

"Well do remember this is a very high demand area, and the view is wonderful." the realtor reminded always selling, diligent with her ABC's intent on earning her coffee.

"Give us a minute?" Lexa requested.

"Of course" the realtor walked away leaving them to enjoy.

"Shut up baby, I like this place and each happy word you say, I can see her mentally adding another thousand to her sales fee." Lexa whispered.

"I can't help it Lexa! "Costia smiled. "This is the one."

"You want it?" Lexa giggled softly.

"Lexa... This is the home we will raise our children in Lexa!"

"Oh really? You think this is gonna be the time baby?" Lexa grabbed Costia by her belly, immediately, kneeling down and growling into it. "Are my baby's gonna be growing in here any days now!"

"Hehe maybe if my alpha can get her cock up." Costia giggled.

"That happened one time in high school when I was on painkillers from my wisdom teeth!" Lexa argued angry at first, but giggling too as she saw her Omega's smile.

"I love you Lexa."

"I love you too Costia." Lexa hugged the omega tight. "So?" Lexa stepped back doing a spin. "What exactly is it you like so much about this place?"

"Well, as you know, it is just a couple blocks away from my work, so I can walk in and out every day, you won't have to drive me anymore. It has a beautiful Master bedroom where we can have a huge king bed, mhmm for all the baby making."

"Damn I'm liking it more already."

"It has a study for your work, so when I get home, and you are still stuck at your computer I can sneak up and attack you with kisses!" Costia jumped at Lexa kissing her vigorously.

"I love you."

"it has this wonderful open kitchen, dining room, living room for us to relax in, and for me to do my cooking in, And... Best of all. It has two extra rooms for our children." Costia cheered.

"Oh really?" Lexa leaned back smiling.

"You can't see it?" Costia paused in her tracks.

"I dono." Lexa lied, wanting to see her lover get all excited.

"Uugh fine! Come on!" Costia grabbed Lexa's hand, yanking her and dragging her to the far end of the large apartment.

"This! This will be our daughter's room!" Costia opened the first door. "She will do her homework at a desk right here, she will scream at us for not letting her go out to a party when she is 15 from a bed right here!" Costia envisioned before pulling Lexa to the room adjacent to the one they had just entered. "Now this one! This will be our son's he will be right here when he gets his heart broken for the first time, and we will hug him and tell him it will be OK, that he'll find a new better boy, girl, or person. He'll be right here when he receives his first college acceptance letter."

"So. Do you already have a school picked out for him, or just anywhere that'll take him?" Lexa jokes.

"Hartford of course! A doctor, not just a chef like his mom."

"Oh? Well, I'm glad he has so many choices."

"Oh, Lexa! Come onnn you know I'll be happy with anything as long as they are happy!" Costia groaned.

"Yes yes love." Lexa smiled pleased with herself, hiding her true excitement and overflowing joy with sarcasm and cynicism.

"Come on now!" Costia pulled Lexa once more back to the living/dining room /kitchen. "Over there, I will make breakfasts for you and our babies, plan soccer practice times and PTA meetings, prep goods for bake sales! But that isn't even the best part of this room! This, this is the room our babies will take their first steps, they will learn to crawl, walk, even run in this room! Now, wouldn't you love to wake up in..." Costia sprinted to the master bedroom with Lexa being dragged behind once more. "This room to the sound of little baby feet pitter-pattering out there!?" Costia sighed in awe of the thought.

"That does sound really nice baby." Lexa nodded.

"I love you Lexa. And this is the home we will spend our lives in. Where we will settle down. And live for the rest of our lives. Lexa... We can afford this, we can afford this now, save, give our children a good life, and... Then we can retire comfortably, not worried about the mortgage we closed on years before we retired. And… then we can spend our elder years here together, having big family Thanksgivings, Christmas, everything! Lexa! This could be our home. We could die in this home, together. In our sleep, happy comfortable, holding each other in our sleep as we pass calmly together. Happy." Costia sighed, all the emotions overflowing through her into each and every one of her words filled with love.

"Ok."

"Ok?"

"Ok. We will buy it. We will live here, we will start our family. And I promise we will even die here. Together. In love." Lexa nodded smiling wildly happy to see how happy her omega was.

True to Lexa's word they purchased the home, they had already filled out the mortgage paperwork and the bank was eager to liquidate the property, so they were actually able to move in the same day.

Five years later

"Octavia! Thank you so much! You are amazing! "

"Well... I would have thought you would say that after I was your wife's maid of honor and made sure Costia didn't get cold feet, but sure. No problem."

"Costia had cold feet!?" Lexa looked up from the table she was getting scared.

"No. I wanted to see you squirm tho." Octavia laughed.

"Asshole!" Lexa wanted to throw something but knew it had to all look perfect for her omega.

"Calm down it was just a joke."

"Uugh! You are the worst!"

"Yeah yeah. So? Five years huh?" Octavia looked around at the small romantic night Lexa had planned out for Costia once she got home.

"Yeah. We moved in five years ago to the day." Lexa nodded.

"Well. Guess it's time I head out. She should be walking home by now." Octavia sighed, heading for the door.

"Thank you so much Octavia! I... Never would have been able to cook her favorite meal. She rightfully hates everything I cook." Lexa admitted rushing over to hug her friend.

"Yeah... I'm sorry hun but your cooking does suck. I'm glad I could help tho." Octavia hugged back. "You two have fun tho. And hey. It will happen this time hun. I believe in you two." Octavia wished Lexa a stroke of good luck with the baby making before heading out.

Octavia very unluckily was the one to find Costia that night stabbed several times, bleeding out in the streets over the money in her wallet. Octavia first called 911 and then Lexa who arrived before the ambulance. She died before midnight the next day, leaving the two of them alone, Leaving Lexa to mourn, to wonder, what was she to do now with the home they decided to die in together, what do do with it but die in it herself, alone.

End of chapter 19

Author's note: so I'm really happy with this chapter. It was a challenge to start but I found a grove in the flashbacks, and knowing what would happen I actually started crying halfway through I was so invested In Lexa/Costia. Also, I totally didn't expect the end to be such a gut punch until I got there.

Chapter Text

Chapter 20

"Lexa what the hell are you talking about!?" Clarke recoiled, sitting up in bed.

"I am going to die in this home Clarke." Lexa answered calmly.

"And so you've just made this decision for me?!" Clarke glared.

"No. I'm just informing you of the decision I've made for myself. Clarke I love you, and you are welcome to move in here if you wish. But I will not be leaving this home." Lexa explained.

"And if I don't wanna move in here?" Clarke tested.

"Then I won't force you to move in here." Lexa answered quizzically.

"So what I just can't live with my alpha unless if I move in here?" Clarke pushed more.

"I mean... I guess? I love you. But... I'd much prefer if you moved in here." Lexa paused looking inwardly.

"Well, I'm glad you've left me such choice in the matter!" Clarke struck verbally.

"Clarke I love you, and this isn't about you!" Lexa replied more angerly than she intended.

"Fine then! Maybe I should just go back home. Cause I certainly don't feel all that welcome here anymore!" Clarke snapped back, stepping out of bed and grabbing her clothes.

"Clarke!" Lexa tried to stop her, frustrated.

"I love you Lexa, but I need some time to think." Clarke looked away, on some level knowing her choices were wrong on some level, but she was hurting, crestfallen and frustrated by the alpha's immediate dismissal.

"Fine then. Just run away the second an argument starts." Lexa hissed, getting out of bed as well, hastily throwing on her clothes.

"What!?" Clarke turned to Lexa shocked by what she heard.

"Clarke have you ever actually stayed and talked to me when you get upset instead of running?"

"I... I..."

"Yeah. So go on. Runoff, just like you did after our first night, after I outrageously wanted you to consider keeping our baby, and now like you will when I tell you I don't want to move out of my beautiful home I purchased with my dead wife!" Lexa elaborated, tired and frustrated, but not yelling.

"I... I what!?" Clarke snarled furious with Lexa because she knew there was something to what she was saying.

"I'll be cooking. What do you want for lunch? Or will it be dinner by the time you get back?" Lexa teased scathingly. "I..." Clarke huffed wordless as she dropped the clothes in her arms.

"What cat got your tongue? Or just lose your panties?" Lexa questioned, throwing the pair of panties she found next to her side of the bed back at Clarke.

"No. You are right. I... I run. I always run." Clarke admitted.

"Oh, fancy? New trick staying this time?" Lexa scoffed, coldly hiding her own hurt.

"Lexa." Clarke tried to reach her.

"I'm still gonna start cooking. You have fun staying or running off or whatever tho." Lexa sighed, trying not to cry thinking of what Costia would say about her acting in this way.

"Lexa. Please." Clarke requested.

"Please what Clarke!? What do you want?"

"I... Talk to me."

"Talk to you? And what exactly is it you want me to say!? That I have since the day I stepped foot in this apartment known that I would live the rest of my life in this home!? That I made a promise to the woman I loved that we would die here together, and that I've now failed her on that, that this Is all I have left of her!? That I gave the most wonderful woman in the world seven years of my life and Now she is gone, and this home is all I have left!" Lexa began crying, her back still to the other alpha.

"You don't love me like you did her." Clarke stumbled backward, falling to the ground.

"Clarke, stop overreacting." Lexa dismissed.

"No... It makes perfect sense... I'm not an omega, not like her. How could you ever love me the way you did her." Clarke forfeited.

"Clarke you can't believe that!"

"It's the truth, isn't it?" Clarke shook in fear.

"Clarke." Lexa wiped away her own tears, turning to see the true pain Clarke was enduring.

"I... You don't love me."

"Yes, I do Clarke. Of course, I love you." Lexa rushed to Clarke's side. "Clarke." Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke. "I... I'm sorry I'm not enough." Clarke whimpered.

"No! Don't you ever dare think that!" Lexa screamed.

"I am!" Clarke yelled back.

"No, you are not! Clarke! I love you!"

"I... I..."

"Clarke I loved her. But that doesn't mean I don't love you. I can love the two of you."

"I love you too Lexa." Clarke sniffled, hurting, but realizing Lexa didn't mean any of what she said to be hurtful.

"I do love you Clarke. nothing will ever change that."

"I'm sorry I was going to run away."

"It's ok love. I... It kinda sounds like that is just what you are used to." Lexa sighed.

"I... A little bit." Clarke nodded.

"Are you ok baby?" Lexa asked worriedly.

"I... I will be. I'm sorry baby. I... Are you ok?"

"I... Yeah. But... I think I have something to show you." Lexa outstretched her hand for Clarke.

"W... What is it?" Clarke lifted her head, sniffling as she wiped away tears. "I... I just need to show you something. I... I think I'm ready." Lexa explained.

"O... Ok baby." Clarke nodded as she stood up with Lexa who took her to the other side of the apartment, opening a door Clarke didn't even know Lexa had. "W... Where are we going?"

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time baby." Lexa answered, leading Clarke to the second half of the apartment containing the true master bedroom and the room Lexa once called a study. "This... This is the other half of my apartment."

"Fuck Lexa! It's huge! I... I knew your place was nice, but... DAMN..." Clarke cursed shocked when she saw the master bedroom looking out upon the city.

"I haven't been in this room since the week she died. I tried to sleep in the bed we had shared for a couple nights after she died. But... Our bed smelled too much like her. I... I couldn't do it. So... I sealed it up. It and my old study. I... I don't use it anymore."

"Are you ok?" Clarke asked again.

"I... I loved this room. I never planned to go back into it until I was ready to die."

"Do we need to leave this half of your house?" Clarke ran a hand along Lexa's back.

"I… I'm Fine. I will need to get used to this half of the house." Lexa sighed.

"Why's that?"

"Because. I'm gonna ask Raven and Octavia to move in with us." Lexa explained.

"W... What the hell?!"

"Well... I have the room. You wanted to move in with them, this is almost certainly bigger than whatever you three could afford." Lexa reasoned, even if how she had phrased it was a little presumptuous.

"And you would be ok with this?!"

"I... I love you. And Octavia is my best friend."

"I love you too. I… Thank you baby" Clarke hugged Lexa tight.

"Try the bed." Lexa giggled.

"What?" Clarke tilted her head confused.

"Try it. You will like it."

"O... Ok?" Clarke moved towards the other bed and crawled atop it, immediately purring as she slipped under the covers. "Ohh fuck... This is wonderful... Ohh this is my nest now and you have to ask permission to enter it!" Clarke declared, rolling around in the most perfect California king bed.

"Oh really?" Lexa chuckled.

"Yess… mhmm, it smells good too."

"Yeah, your alpha spent five dozen ruts in that bed. I'm certain you like the scent. Plus! You aren't even far enough along to crave a nest." Lexa realized.

"Too bad, mine!" Clarke giggled.

"Uugh whatever... I... I'm gonna go check the other room. It... It's been a long time since I was in there."

"You said it was your study right?"

"Yeah."

"So... What'd you study? Come to think of it... I never see you go to work... What the hell do you do?" Clarke questioned shocked she hadn't learned prior.

"I... I was a writer. I sold a book when I was younger and I made enough money that I could afford the down payment on this place, and health and life insurance for me and Costia… we figured we would want our kids to be well taken care of If anything bad happened to us. So we got sizeable life insurance policies. I... When she died... I had no reason to write anymore, no need to provide, and no muse." Lexa explained.

"Wait... So... You just don't do anything?"

"I... I cook. I spent the last two years since she died learning to cook."

"Huh?"

"I... Costia was a chef. And. I couldn't cook for my life. But... After she died. I started learning to cook. To feel close to her."

"You... You are quite the loving woman, aren't you... Once someone has your heart... You'll never take it back, will you?"

"No. I won't. And you have it baby. So... Do me a favor ok?" Lexa approached the bed, slipping in it with Clarke.

"What's that baby?"

"Don't go and die on me love."

End of chapter 20

Author's note: So. Not many of you may know, but there is a sister story to this one. This is a story of a trans alpha, and I have another about a trans omega that is for the Supergirl series. Just a heads up in case you like this type of thing.

you like this type of thing.

Chapter Text

Chapter 21

"So." Clarke breathed in deep preparing herself to leave, knowing she would miss her alpha. "Looks like I'm off."

"I love you baby." Lexa kissed Clarke.

"Mhmm, I... fuck, I am gonna miss that."

"Well, it will be waiting right here whenever you are done with Raven." Lexa offered.

"You know… I might need you to pick me up." Clarke trailed two fingers down Lexa's chest.

"Oh really? Why is that?" Lexa quivered as Clarke's fingers traced over her belly.

"Well... I might be moving in next time I come here." Clarke turned her hand and grabbed at Lexa's sex

"I... oh fuck. Yes, I would like that. M...my bed is your bed…" Lexa whimpered.

"I like that." Clarke purred pulling her hand back.

"Should I start moving back into the other side of my apartment?" Lexa asked timid.

"I... I'm not sure yet. But... I will tell you when I find out." Clarke smiled before heading out.

"Hello" Clarke sang entering her home.

"Hey Clarke. Raven is napping, I'm making her dinner for when she wakes." Octavia replied, stirring the hearty stew.

"Did Lexa teach you to cook?" Clarke giggled.

"Huh? Did she teach me to cook?" Octavia huffed.

"What'd I do?" Clarke questioned.

"You know she used to have me teach her? When Costia was off being sous chef and then head chef at the place down the street from them Lexa had me sneak in and try to teach her. She was hopeless." Octavia reminisced.

"What? I don't believe you. Lexa said something about being a bad cook before..." Clarke couldn't say it.

"Before her wife died."

"I... yeah. But, she is a great cook now! I don't believe that she could have been that bad." Clarke shook her head in disbelief.

"Well she was, the woman could barely cook anything without setting off all the smoke alarms in the building. But... she has cooked nonstop for the past two years. I… I know it's her way of connecting with Costia. I... honestly sometimes I wish I had something I could do to feel close to her like that." Octavia lamented her missing friend, the bloodstained images burned into her brain, her best friend stabbed and bleeding out in the street, left alone to die.

"Are you ok?" Clarke rested a hand on Octavia's shoulder, the cooking alpha with her back to Clarke.

"I... I miss my friend Clarke. Losing someone is hard." Octavia admitted.

"I understand. I... I lost my father years ago." Clarke hugged Octavia from behind. "It gets better."

"Thanks Clarke." Octavia smiled softly.

"Well... I... I do have something that might help... or at least help you feel closer to her?"

"Hmm? How?" Octavia spun around to look to Clarke.

"Well, Raven mentioned that you two wanted to move in together, but that she didn't wanna leave me alone. And we talked about the four of us moving in together..." Clarke began.

"Yeah, but what does that have to do with Costia?"

"Hang on! I'm getting there! I spoke to Lexa… and she said she wasn't interested in ever leaving her apartment. She wants to live there for the rest of her life. That she wanted to 'die in that house'."

"Wait, slow your roll. She said what now?" Octavia stopped Clarke.

"She said she didn't wanna move out. It was kinda a big argument for a hot minute but we figured it out." Clarke sighed relieved.

"Lexa? Your Lexa? The Lexa who eye fucked you in the bar last week?" Octavia questioned.

"Oh wow, that was the last time you were in the same room with us wasn't it?" Clarke giggled surprised.

"Yes. I... uugh I'm calling that dumb alpha, watch the stew ok?"

"Only if I get to taste it!" Clarke bargained.

"Whatever, I need to go yell at your alpha." Octavia grumbled.

"Ok. Have fun!" Clarke ignored, leaping at the stew to taste the Divine smelling concoction.

Octavia flipped her phone on, calling Lexa immediately as she stepped out of the apartment into the hallway. "What the hell is wrong with you!?"

"Wow love you too friendo?" Lexa countered.

"You want to die in that house? You want to die in that house my ass!"

"I... how'd you know I said that?"

"Umm because it's the same words you said to me when I came to see you in the hospital, half alive! And that isn't something your alpha just adlibs, she was quoting you." Octavia yelled angrily.

"I... O... I didn't know." Lexa sighed, realizing that she had scared Octavia.

"What the hell is going on with you?! Do I need to drag your ass back to grief counseling!?"

"No, no. I'm fine I promise." Lexa assured.

"Well!? What's going on then? Because last time we talked about this you were ready to leave the home that felt haunted to you. The house you had me help seal off half of for you."

"I opened it again." Lexa spoke softly, immediately garnering Octavia's attention.

"H... how was it? Are you ok?"

" Yes. I... it was kinda nice in a way. I... I had Clarke there with me. I...it made it a lot easier. It made... made me feel strong and safe as I went back to that side." Lexa worked her way through her explanation slowly.

"I'm Glad. You deserve that closure Lexa." Octavia smiled.

"Yeah... I... I'm actually moving into my old room now. I forgot how nice that bed was."

"Geez Lexa. I... I mean congratulations. That is really big. What... what changed?"

"Clarke changed me. She made me remember what it was like to love instead of lose. I! It reminded me of the happy times. It made me not want to lose this... this home I shared with her for half a decade. I... I wanna keep it. To cherish what I have left of her as I proceed in my life with Clarke." Lexa explained.

"I... well you have really thought about this huh?" Octavia admitted.

"Yes. I have" Lexa agreed.

"I... I'm glad you are ok." Octavia sighed.

"I'm glad you are such a caring friend." Lexa teased.

"I... I was worried about you."

"I'm sorry. That wasn't my goal when I told Clarke to offer for you three to move in."

"You offered what now!?" Octavia choked on air.

"Oh fuck she didn't tell you?" Lexa groaned.

"N...no! I-"

"Octavia!" Clarke popped her head out of the apartment. "It's boiling and smoking, I took it off the heat, but... I might have been a bit late?" Clarke winced.

"I... fuck! I'll call you later Lexa." Octavia hung up. "Grr, Clarke!"

"Sorry! You didn't tell me to lower the heat!" Clarke defended.

"I know. I'm sorry I'm just..." Octavia trailed off, rushing in to save the food. "Hey? O? You ok?" Clarke questioned.

"I... just. Stressed." Octavia ignored, prodding at the stew, sniffing at it. "Clarke? Did it burn or simmer?"

"Huh?"

"You are an even more hopeless cook than Lexa was aren't you?" Octavia relaxed.

"I... I can make microwave Mac N cheese!" Clarke argued. "Most of the time…"

"Yup... hopeless." Octavia sighed relieved her food was fine. "You two are perfect together."

"Aww, thanks!" Clarke cheered

"Not a compliment" Octavia mouthed to herself.

"So... we were wondering... cause you suggested the four of us moving in together..." Clarke began again.

"I'll talk to Raven. But yeah. It seems like a good idea. I've covered that apartment since Costia and Lexa first showed it to me, so I'm all for it." Octavia answered.

"I... how'd you know?" Clarke tilted her head.

"Lexa told me a bit. Kinda spoiled your surprise."

"Oh..." Clarke deflated.

"Surprise?" Raven wiped the sand from her eyes as she entered the kitchen where her friend and alpha stood.

"Raven!" Clarke cheered, tackle-hugging her friend.

"Hey hey! Be careful! I just woke up and I still have a bad leg remember?" Raven reminded having a hard time keeping her balance.

"I... oh yeah, sorry. I... forget sometimes." Clarke admitted a hint of guilt obvious.

"It's ok" Raven patted Clarke's shoulder understandingly.

"I... I am sorry." Clarke repeated.

"Hey. Chill. It's ok." Raven emphasized.

"I... ok."

"Hey! Stews ready!" Octavia broke the awkwardness, pulling bowls down from the cabinets.

"Oh is that the surprise!? It smells great! Thank you my alpha!"

"Nope, I will let Clarke tell you the surprise." Octavia denied, doling out hefty servings for the three of them.

"So? What the hell is going on?" Raven yawned, picking a seat and shimmying in her fluffy pajamas, happy to have them in the winter's cold.

"Too cute." Octavia cooed, dropping a bowl in front of her Omega and kissing her gently.

"I love you baby." Raven kissed back.

"So? Clarke?" Octavia placed her own bowl and slid one to Clarke.

"Yes! So. You wanted the four of us to move in together? Yes?" Clarke reminded.

"Yeah, I... well yeah, I just figured it would be really nice, and it would be a good stepping stone for us." Raven agreed.

"Well, Lexa invited us to move in with her. She has the room, frankly, it would be quite an upgrade for all of us except for Lexa."

"Huh!" Octavia huffed "she would be the one getting the biggest upgrade! She gets to sleep in the same bed as her pregnant mate!"

"I... you know?" Clarke's eyes shot open.

"Oh please, even if Raven hadn't mentioned it to me, your scent reeks of it." Octavia laughed.

"I... well maybe I should take my scent and eat in my room?" Clarke picked up her bowl and walked away.

"O." Raven glared.

"What?!" Octavia contested.

"She is sensitive about that!" Raven whispered.

"About what?" Octavia scooped a spoonful of stew into her mouth nonchalant.

"Octavia!" Raven snapped.

"What?" O dropped her spoon.

"Octavia I love you, but sometimes you can be a little dull."

"What is the problem love?" Octavia sighed.

"Clarke hates her natural scent. Having a fellow alpha address it like that hurt her." Raven explained.

"I didn't do anything Raven." Octavia dismissed.

"Octavia. You don't always need to in order to hurt someone."

"I..." Octavia huffed confused but knowing Raven was right. "I'll go talk to her."

"Thank you."

"Clarke?" Octavia asked as she knocked on the alpha's door.

"What!?" Clarke hissed, her mouth full.

"Can I come in?"

"No."

"I. Coming in." Octavia groaned pretending to not have heard Clarke.

"I said no!" Clarke yelled from her desk chair.

"Can I sit down?" Octavia requested.

"No!" Clarke fought just to fight.

"I'm sorry." Octavia apologized sitting down on Clarke's bed without permission.

"I... didn't expect that." Clarke admitted.

"Look, Clarke. You are my omega's best friend, and i- is that a hole in your wall!?" Octavia noticed.

"I... yeah it was a bad day a and... that happened." Clarke admitted.

"Well first of as a part of my apology please let me fix that for you."

"I... thanks." Clarke sighed.

"Look. I am the first to admit, I don't know everything about the whole trans thing. But I do care about you. Raven is my omega, and I know she sees you as a long lost sister. And that she is happy to have you back in her life after what happened back then." Octavia attempted to bridge build and soothe their occasionally somewhat tense relationship.

"Octavia... Do you see me as an alpha or a-"

"Of course! I'm not super educated, but I'm not an asshole!" Octavia snarled.

"Or, a trans alpha?" Clarke finished.

"I... what do you mean? How are they different?" Octavia squinted.

"Am I a normal alpha to you or just a trans alpha?" Clarke posted the question, knowing it was phrased more than a tad tricky.

"I… well Clarke, you are trans dynamic." Octavia answered. "So... a trans alpha"

"No O. I am an alpha who happens to be trans. Not a trans alpha.

"I... ok, well whatever your an alpha."

"No! Not whatever. This is who I honestly this has always been the reason I've been apprehensive around you. I never got the feeling you really saw me as an alpha. And I'm not sure we should live in the same home until you see me as who I am, A True Alpha."

End of chapter 21

Chapter Text

Chapter 22

"I'm not doing it Raven, I'm not living with her if she isn't going to see me as I am!" Clarke argued, stuffing her clothes into a suitcase.

"Look I know she isn't perfect but she means well and she cares about you." Raven sat in Clarke's desk chair after having sent Octavia out to get some groceries to talk to Clarke alone.

"Raven. You know it isn't that I just hate her right?"

"Yes. I know" Raven agreed.

"I... it's... just... I can't live with that. It will get in my head and mess with me if I have someone in my home who I know doesn't quite see me as I am. I... it will kill me a little bit every day!" Clarke explained.

"I know. But... I don't really think you gave her a very fair chance." Raven argued.

"I... you aren't wrong. But..." Clarke paused, frustrated.

"Look, she will be back any minute now. Give me a chance, let me talk to her. I want us all to be able to be happy together. If we can't be then we shouldn't live together. But I really think we can." Raven hoped.

"Raven! I am not interested in being reminded that there are so many people who don't see me as who I am just cause I go to get a cup of coffee in the morning, especially if I'm getting that coffee in my own home!" Clarke protested, still packing, moving to the second suitcase.

"What's more important to you? Living with your best friend or not living with your best friend's alpha?" Raven paused.

"Raven... that isn't fair"

"I... I know. It isn't. But now I have to choose between my alpha and my best friend!"

"I... I... fine." Clarke allowed.

"You'll let me talk to her?" Raven smiled.

"I will let you talk to her. And if! If she gets it then I'll consider it." Clarke allowed.

"I love you Clarke!" Raven hopped up and hugged the alpha

"Yeah yeah." Clarke's demeanor swayed drastically as she felt her friend hug her." I'm sorry that... that my being this is fucking with our lives."

"Clarke… I... this isn't your fault. Like I said... I understand. I... look Octavia surprised me most of all by being as knowledgeable and politically correct as she was the night she introduced you to Lexa and didn't share your secret. I... she isn't the most experienced in it all. And she does mean well. However, I know that can still hurt." Raven empathized as the front door could be heard opening.

"Thank you. I really appreciate it." Clarke cooed.

"I'm gonna go talk to her. Don't leave just yet ok?"

"Yeah yeah, go get that alpha." Clarke dismissed.

"love ya!" Raven ran off and began to help Octavia with the groceries.

"She calm the fuck down yet?!" Octavia grumbled.

"O." Raven sighed, giving her a look.

"No! Raven, I'm not wrong!" Octavia insisted.

"I... I" Raven thought her words out carefully. "I... Octavia..." Raven looked down to her leg, remembering how she felt returning to school after… remembering how she hated being looked at no longer as Raven, but the hobbled girl, the cripple, the girl who got shot. The knowledge of how to explain to her alpha setting in.

"No! I'm not giving in on this! I care about her and I have been nothing but respectful! She just wants something to be mad about." Octavia insisted, shuffling groceries away irritatedly.

"Octavia..." Raven's voice weak and timid." Do you see me as a cripple because of my leg?"

"I... what the hell are you talking about? W... what does this have to do with anything!? And no! Of course not!" Octavia threw the groceries down outraged.

"I... and if someone did? Did just see me for that aspect of who I am? Despite the fact that I am a whole human, more than just my injury? And what if I had told them that hurt me? That I don't want to be seen as just that part of myself. But they ignored that?" Raven posed.

"I, I'd fucking kill them!" Octavia growled.

"Well... that's what you just did to Clarke."

"I... no! I. N...not the." Octavia sighed.

"You know it is." Raven reminded.

"Fuck!" Octavia cursed grabbing one of the shopping bags, a different color than the rest and storming off to Clarke's room.

"What the hell?" Clarke yelled as Octavia barged in.

"Your an alpha! I'm an asshole! Alphas should know how to fix walls." Octavia grunted throwing the home Depot bag at Clarke who was still packing.

"I... what?"

"I'm an asshole. Your an alpha. I'm wrong. Happy?" Octavia growled.

"I..."

"I'm not gonna say it again, wouldn't want Raven gettin any ideas like I actually know the words I'm wrong or something." Octavia joked trying to warm the icy room.

"I... thanks." Clarke smiled.

"Thank Raven... she is the one that made me realize it. I'm sorry. I... I didn't mean to hurt you. But. I think I get it."

"I... I really appreciate it." Clarke nodded.

"So. Let's teach you how to fix this up so you two don't lose that security deposit."

With a whole patched in both the wall and Clarke and Octavia's friendship, the three called Lexa over to help them all pack up. They all enjoyed the leftovers of Octavia's stew, joining around the dining table, the apartment stunningly hollow already, but that night it needed none of the items that once made it the house of Raven and Clarke. Because that night for the first time it truly was a home. The family they had chosen surrounding them, comforting each other with gentle smiles, loving hugs, teasing kisses between mates, all shared, making that table, in the empty house a home.

All four understood after that night that things would go smoothly and that it was the correct decision to move to Lexa's home. They all knew it was fast, and that in more than one way naive. But that didn't matter to any of them. They knew, they all knew in their hearts that they had found their family. And... little did any of them know, it wouldn't be long till more than one of them desperately needed it.

End of chapter 22

Chapter Text

Chapter 23

"No no! Really! Please! I wanna make sure I understand!" Octavia urged.

"Ok. Go for it." Clarke giggled, pleased that Octavia really did care.

"So let me get this right, it's the difference between simply giving the lipservice of yeah yeah you are whatever you say you are vs. a true understanding and respect for are who you are?" Octavia asked, more timid than she was comfortable with, but honestly wishing to fully understand how she was wrong rather than the simple understanding that she was incorrect.

Clarke hugged the fellow alpha. "Perfect." Clarke confirmed, a little shocked Octavia was able to put it into words than she could herself.

"Thank you baby!" Octavia kissed her Omega.

"What did Raven have to do with it?" Lexa eyed quisitive.

"Oh. Well we were talking about everything from last week before we moved in this morning and she told me it was just like how after she got back from the shooting even if someone said they saw her the same a lot of the time it wasn't true, or it was only paying lip service to the idea." Octavia explained.

"Oh, gotcha." Lexa nodded comprehension setting in before she noticed something was clearly wrong with Clarke who was hiding into her softly, holding to her in a fashion very unlike the proud alpha.

"Yeah. I'm glad I could help you understand baby." Raven nuzzled her alpha on the couch they rested on after the long day.

"I love you my omega." Octavia teased, secretly grabbing Raven's ass and slipping a finger under, tracing it up the back of her slit out of sight of a distracted Clarke and a concerned Lexa. "I... oh... Lexa! H... how was your day!?" Raven jumped trying to redirect her alpha's focus.

"Oh? I... my day was good. I tried a new recipe, and Clarke ate it all." Lexa giggled, grabbing her alpha by the waist and pulling her close to an angry growl.

"No!" Clarke growled, focus turning and demeanor changing from worry to anger to understanding love for her alpha's care. "I am not an omega you can move around as you please." Clarke whispered into Lexa's ear. "I will punish you for this Tonight." Clarke threatened.

"I love you." Lexa giggled.

"I love you too." Clarke kissed her alpha

"So what do you do Lexa? I'm just not patient enough to not ask anymore. We have been here for a week, and I don't understand how you afford this place." Raven asked out of the blue.

"Oh? I was a writer, but I haven't done it in a long time. Between my last book and the insurance settlement from my wife's life insurance... I … don't worry about money anymore." Lexa answered.

"Oh... cool." Raven processed surprised, unaware what to say.

"So! I know you are a student, but what do you study?" Lexa returned.

"Oh me!? I am finishing up my degree in Biomechanical engineering." Raven perked up.

"Interesting, what draws you to Biomechanical engineering of all things?" Lexa questioned.

"Oh. Well. It is actually because of my leg."

"Your leg?" Lexa hadn't heard the story yet.

"Oh god, you don't know. Well, when I was sixteen I got shot." Raven shifted on the couch showing off the small scar that rested near her spine on her left side just above her ass.

Octavia growled possessive, grabbing at the omega's shorts and pulling them up.

"Hey!?" Raven yipped.

Clarke looked away suddenly clearly upset.

"Grr!" O continued.

"Not cool!" Raven glared, not interested in her alpha dictating which parts of her body she shared with the close friends.

Clarke began shaking as Lexa became certain something was wrong

"i... just not in front of a room of alphas ok!?" Octavia growled frustrated with herself.

"I... have to go!" Clarke cried out, hiding tears as she ran off.

"Clarke!" Lexa called out.

"Oh... fuck..." Raven sighed, having seen the signs of guilt wearing at Clarke occasionally for a while now, but not wanting to speak up, to make it worse. Completely unsure how to help.

"W... what happened!? Clarke!" Lexa stood up.

"Lexa... it's ok. I... I got this."

"Raven!? What is going on?"

"I... it's a long story. I... Octavia can fill you in." Raven stood, readying to follow after Clarke but being stopped by Octavia holding her hand.

"Are you sure you'll be ok." Octavia wouldn't let Raven go till she was sure.

"I will I love you. I... I need to help my friend." Raven replied running off.

"I... o... what happened?" Lexa asked now that the other two were gone.

"I... it's a long story. But it has to do with why the two of them originally stopped being friends."

"There was a time they weren't friends!? They are thick as thieves!"

"They haven't always been."

"Clarke this is a bad idea!" The young omega called to her friend, shaking and timid.

"What are you talking about Raven? It's gonna be fine!" Clarke puffed up her chest, attempting to look strong and mature, ready to handle anything and everything.

"Clarke! You can stop playing the edgy omega! The rest of them are already halfway down the street!" Raven yelled hushed.

"Don't call me that!" Clarke gnashed, hiding the pain, trying to seem tough.

"Clarke I know you like big bad Anya over there, but you know she only dates other alphas!" Raven glared." And I don't appreciate you dragging me all the way out to the bad part of town so you can follow her to get pot of all things! Just to prove you are bad too" Raven performed air quotes around bad.

"I... I..." Clarke growled showing fury to hide her fear, the hormones of recently presenting, and being a naive teenager making logical thought hard.

"Your gonna get us shot!"

"You know what fuck you Raven. I don't need to hang with a little pussy omega like you!" Clarke snapped.

"I... Clarke!" Raven shook, scared by the outburst, her heart dropping.

"What!? Too scared to reply!?"

"Clarke... don't do this. Please." Raven whispered.

"Why don't you just go home, little weakling!" Clarke yelled intentionally loud enough for the others to hear.

"Fine Clarke. I... don't get shot." Raven replied initially with anger but then with fear.

Clarke ran off catching up to the others, attempting to seem tough by pushing away her friend.

Clarke wouldn't learn what happened for another month after once she had finally achieved a reprieve from her grounding, her mother having sent her off to boarding school without a phone, terrified of what might happen to her daughter if not given a significant change.

"Clarke?" Raven knocked on the door.

"No!" Clarke yelled crying, full of guilt.

"Clarke." Raven repeated, cracking the door open.

"No!" Came a shriek followed by sobbing.

"Clarke. We've talked about this."

"It's my fault Raven Clarke sniffled."

"No, it isn't." Raven countered.

"You wouldn't have been down there if it weren't for me!"

"I chose to follow you and the other five people we were both hanging with."

"But you wouldn't have gone near them if it wasn't for me."

"Clarke. I learned very early on that I needed to stop blaming myself and others for an accident."

"An accident that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't begged you to come with us! And then turned you away when you said it was too dangerous!" Clarke cowered in a corner loathing herself.

"Clarke." Raven sighed, rounding the bed, now able to see her friend, sobbing, seeing the scar simply too much. The manifestation of her mistakes reminding her of what she caused, of how her mistakes caused her friend so much pain.

"It's my fault Raven." Clarke heaved, tears streaming down her face.

"No, it isn't." Raven sat down with Clarke, grabbing her friend's hands. "It was an accident. No one's fault but the idiot who pulled the trigger." Raven sighed, holding tight to Clarke's hands trying to calm her.

"W... why don't you hate me? I... I was awful. And then I... I just disappeared. I left you all alone there after it happened!" Clarke rambled.

"Now that wasn't your choice and we both know it. Your mom shipped you off."

"I..." Clarke stopped, unable to give a reason for how that too was, in fact, her fault.

"Stop! Stop blaming yourself for this."

"Raven."

"No. It isn't your fault."

"You could have died Raven!" Clarke screamed.

"But I didn't!" Raven yelled back breaking through. "I'm fine. The pain Is gone, my leg doesn't stop me from anything in my life, and because of what happened I know what I want to do. I know my path for life. That accident you think is your fault? That you constantly feel guilty over cause it could have killed me? It is the reason I found what I want to do. If it weren't for that …I'd be stumbling my way through college with no clue what I want to do. No plan."

"And so it lead to Raven knowing that she wanted to become a Biomechanical engineer?" Lexa asked her fellow alpha, still resting on the couch occasionally hearing screams from the corner of the apartment.

"Yeah. I've talked to her about it a lot. And it is why she never really held the incident against Clarke. I... it is weird but I think in a way she is thankful. Raven apparently had a lot of fear about what she would do with her life after a certain time. But. Because of this. When she saw the doctors, how they helped her, the design of the brace that made it so she could walk again. It inspired her. Gave her the answer she had been searching for for a while. I personally am just happy she is ok and Happy." Octavia explained.

"I... I can see why she is so scared of Raven hating her for it tho." Lexa sighed worried for her alpha.

"I certainly understand too. But Raven has never really blamed Clarke. I... honestly admire her ability to forgive so easily." Octavia looked down and away.

"You ok hun?" Lexa reached out worried for her friend now too.

"Yeah, I'm fine. But Clarke might want you."

"Yeah. I... I'm gonna go check up on them." Lexa agreed.

"Hey?" Lexa called, seeing the door already open.

"Come on in." Raven answered.

"You two ok?"

"I am. What about you hun?" Raven wiped a tear from Lexa's face.

"I... yeah." Clarke sniffled.

"Good." Raven hugged her friend tight.

"I love you two. I want you both ok." Lexa quickly knelt down and hugged both Clarke and Raven.

"I love you too baby." Clarke giggled.

"Well I'm flattered but I met you two weeks ago." Raven rolled her eyes.

"Ruin the moment much Raven?" Clarke laughed harder.

"I don't care. I'm just glad you two are ok." Lexa sighed relieved.

"You two ready to go back to resting on the couch. Finalizing the move was a lot, and I'm tired." Raven suggested.

"I... you and Octavia enjoy the couch. I'm tired too and... I think it's time I...

We get some rest." Clarke rubbed her belly.

"Oh please! It isn't like you felt any kicking." Raven teased.

"No. But... but she is tired." Clarke replied knowingly.

"She?" Lexa looked to Clarke tears forming.

"I... I'm not certain. But... she feels like a she. Yeah." Clarke tears forming as well.

"Well, I will let you girls rest then." Raven kissed them both on the cheek before heading off to rest with her alpha.

"She…" Lexa reveled.

"She baby." Clarke agreed.

"I love you!" Lexa picked her alpha up, spinning her around.

"Ooof! Hey babe! Time to put me down, spinning was not doc recommended." Clarke giggled.

"Sorry! I... I'm just really happy." Lexa put Clarke down.

"I love you, and I'm glad you're happy. I am too. But, I think it's time to sleep." Clarke suggested drowsy.

"Yes my love, of course. Let's keep our little girl healthy." Lexa agreed.

"Mhmm yeah." Clarke yawned, crawling into bed, purring immediately adoring the comfort of the warm bed in the winter.

"That's my girl." Lexa cooed.

"Grr… your alpha." Clarke reminded.

"Of course my love." Lexa flopped into bed with Clarke, immediately holding the alpha.

"I love you. And … I'm glad your my baby momma" Clarke teased sincere.

"I'm glad you are mine." Lexa agreed, holding Clarke closer.

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight. Sleep well baby."

End of chapter 23

Chapter Text

Chapter 24

"No! I'm tired!" Clarke groaned from bed.

"Come on Clarke! We don't know what the sudden stopping of your suppressants did to the baby!" Lexa argued.

"I wanna sleep!" Clarke hugged her pillow tighter.

"Tooo! Bad!" Lexa pulled at Clarke's feet, pulling her from the bed.

"Lexa!?" Clarke screamed kicking as Lexa pulled her off the bed.

"There you go!" Lexa giggled as Clarke's ass fell off the bed and she began slipping off of her own accord.

"AHHH! I..." Clarke squealed falling off into Lexa's arms. "I... you asshole!" Clarke laughed with her lover, relieved to be safe. "You could have hurt me! Or the baby!"

"I made sure I could catch you, also pulling from under the bed made sure I didn't get kicked." Lexa smiled wide.

"Uugh you are the worst!" Clarke huffed, a smile growing to match her lover's. "But I love you." Clarke's expression softened as she moved to kiss her lover.

"I love you too." Lexa cooed, kissing back, deeper and deeper, parting her lips softly for her alpha, feeling Clarke take the opportunity immediately.

Clarke moaned softly into Lexa, deepening the kiss, pinning the alpha down, moving her hips gently to rest over Lexa's core. "B... baby..."

"I... fuck... Clarke." Lexa tried to catch her breath." I... we still need to go!"

"Yeah? Then why is that clit of yours swelling already?" Clarke teased.

"I... I... it's still from that denial you were doing."

"No it isn't! That was two weeks ago." Clarke countered.

"I." Lexa rolled her hips up.

"What is it love?" Clarke kissed at Lexa's neck softly making the issue between the Alpha's legs so much worse.

"I... we haven't had sex in over a week Clarke…" Lexa looked to the side.

"I... I know…" Clarke sighed.

"I'm sorry... I know it isn't something you want right now."

"I... it's not that!" Clarke argued. "I... I want to... you know, with you... more than anything! But..."

"But you hate that bump, even if it is barely noticeable... Or not even there" Lexa argued, knowing it was more Clarke's paranoia of being perceived as an omega that made her think she had a bump already. "You want it to be flat, flat and topped with a cock instead of a regular clit." Lexa filled in.

"Y... yes..." Clarke nodded. "Even if it isn't really there..." Clarke admitted.

"I love you. And I'm sorry... I... just haven't gotten to... you know... flick the bean?" Lexa blushed.

"You what!?" Clarke burst out in laughter.

"I... uugh! Clarke! You know exactly what I mean... I... I normally do personal Friday mornings and Monday nights. You know, a good way to start and end the week. Light a candle, make a small pillow fort to get comfy in, set the right music, pick out nice panties for myself that make me feel sexy … and then..."

"Bean flicking ensues?" Clarke tried not to laugh more.

"Well yeah..." Lexa blushed.

"Well, why hasn't bean flicking... been ensuing?" Clarke finally stopped laughing.

"Well… I'm not the only one here anymore. And... well I'm not quiet when I do my thing. And even if I were, you are here. I'm not just gonna go to town on myself with you sitting right there next to me in bed. Especially without talking to you about it. And... like how the hell do you bring something like that up!?" Lexa explained.

"Not exactly quiet?!" Clarke rose an eyebrow now thoroughly interested.

"I...!" Lexa turned bright red. "Well... when we are together... I know I'm not silent, but... I do my best to still be... ya know a stoic alpha and all. But..."

"Buuuut?"

"But, when I'm alone... I... I go all out, I enjoy myself, I enjoy my body, and... well moaning… and... being loud about it aerates the blood, off-gasses CO2, and gets more oxygen and blood everywhere... and..." Lexa looked off away from Clarke.

"You scream when you make yourself cum don't you?" Clarke smiled, excited to hear Lexa do it with her.

"I do! B... but... I." Lexa scurried out from under Clarke.

"You dirty little slut!" Clarke cheered.

"I..." Lexa felt a shiver run down her neck, shocked and aching, needing her alpha, but with no intentions of letting Clarke know. "We! We need to go! We have an ultrasound to go to!" Lexa reminded.

"I..." Clarke paused, sniffing the air, noticing that there was no way the scent of arousal and ache coming off of her alpha wasn't just of having not gotten a chance to cum in the past week. "It's more than that…"

"Clothes! Now! Go!" Lexa snapped.

"I..." Clarke sniffed around. "You've been trying to get off haven't you."

"Clothes!" Lexa hid in the closet.

Clarke stood up and followed the hiding alpha, chuckling excitedly. "You like it don't you?" Clarke teased, searching through the walk-in closet crowded with the two women's clothes.

"I have no idea what you are talking about!" Lexa called from a corner hiding behind rows of clothing.

"You liked the denial!" Clarke argued.

"I! No such thing!" Lexa felt her ache betray her at the taunting words, her clit aching and slightly swollen. Lexa's heart raced as she felt the slight wetness that refused to leave grow even more. "F... fuck."

"I love you... My dirty lying bad girl." Clarke teased, pulling clothes from the way to see Lexa standing in front of her.

"I..." Lexa whimpered.

"I love you." Clarke threw her voice seductively, reaching her hand out, caressing up the inside of Lexa's thigh towards her core.

"F...fuck... Clarke..."

"Now what was it you told me about Friday mornings?"

"I... personal time..." Lexa gulped, feeling Clarke's fingers at her.

"How long have you been denying yourself?"

"I... only... only since you moved in..."

"You haven't cum since we had sex?" Clarke hooked her fingers up against Lexa, feeling wetness through the Alpha's panties, the clit swollen ever so slightly to make a small tent in the panties. "Aww? You must be sooooo horny?"

"I... l...like it..." Lexa blushed looking away, embarrassment too much.

"Ohh I know…" Clarke cooed, coming closer, massaging slowly up and down the center of the wet slit through Lexa's panties. "So… what changed?" Clarke licked up Lexa's neck slowly.

"I... didn't like the ruin... I... it hurt... and made me ache... and..." Lexa began to whimper at the thought. "I felt weak when the weird rush of hormones made me cry." Lexa shied away.

"I'm sorry love. I never wanted you to feel weak. It is never about that. It is about making you feel good, always aroused and on the edge." Clarke could see in Lexa's eyes that the other alpha had already learned this on her own in her past two weeks of self-experimentation.

"I know, thank you, and I appreciate that. I never intended to try it again, just… the first Monday after you moved in, I was, you know doing my do, and flicking my bean, and right before I got there you came home, and I was too embarrassed to tell you how much more I liked it." Lexa elaborated.

"Aww such a beautiful strong alpha who was finally able to admit it to me. You wanna do it again don't you?"

"Y... YES!" Lexa howled as Clarke dragged a finger along the puffy swollen pinkness of her clit poking through the wet white panties now transparent, showing her sex off perfectly, even in the dark closet.

"That's my girl." Clarke praised.

"I..."

"You know you don't have to do this. I love you. I was just teasing when I suggested we would do this the whole time I was pregnant." Clarke checked, worried that Lexa didn't truly want this.

"No... I... please... I..." Lexa felt her knees weak, holding to Clarke, wrapping her arms around her mate to stay upright.

"That's my baby." Clarke held Lexa close with one arm, and continued with her free hand.

"I... want to..." Lexa whimpered.

"Cum? Or ruin?" Clarke offered.

"I..." Lexa's eyes went wide, desperate in need, mind caught between pride and embarrassment of asking... no begging to only be allowed to ruin.

"Well, which one love? If you don't ask I won't give you either." Clarke threatened, whispering into Lexa's ear.

"I... r... ruin…" Lexa whimpered.

"Good girl." Clarke praised. "Now lay down, I will MAKE you ruin."

"I... only if we go to the appointment after." Lexa bartered, knees already giving out as Clarke lowered her onto the floor.

"Fine." Clarke sighed.

"I... want our girl healthy." Lexa contested with her last whim of resistance.

"I do too my love. Now. Enjoy." Clarke instructed, pulling Lexa's panties down.

"F...fuuuck." Lexa moaned, hips bucking. "I... d...damn my... my clit... I... it started swelling slowly a couple days ago... I... it's only getting bigger..." Lexa whimpered.

"I'm sure, we learned that already last time we tried this." Clarke purred, eyeing the small but still seductive swollen clit.

"I... it hurts... I... having my cock... even this small, when not in my rut... I. Uugh... I..." Lexa's every fiber tensed, hips rising from the ground begging for her alpha's touch.

"Well, I'll fix that love." Clarke assured, lowering her head to take Lexa's swollen appendage into her mouth.

"Ohhh, Clarke!" Lexa whimpered relaxing immediately, the tension leaving her as she pushed her core gently further into Clarke's mouth.

"Mhmmm" Clarke moaned approvingly, hastily going to work, sucking softly on the member and swirling her tongue along it, bobbing her head ever so slightly just right to drive her alpha wild.

"Fuck! Clarke! Love! I... I…" Lexa lost her breath fearful of spilling over.

"Uh uh uh." Clarke released the swollen clit. "No cumming, certainly not yet." Clarke took a single finger and pressed its tip and nail against the head of Lexa's overly swollen clit.

"Ohhh! I... I..." Lexa writhed softly on the ground where she rested. Lifting off of it slightly.

"Hooold it!"

"Y... yes m… my alpha!" Lexa nodded, a hint of pain commingling with ecstasy clear on her face.

"That's a girl." Clarke purred, pleased with Lexa's gentle agony.

"Oh... god!" Lexa sighed trying to catch her breath. "Clarke... w...wow... that..." Lexa purred softly, having experienced her first hard edge, teetering so close as her body wished to clench and release, but she didn't allow herself to lose control.

"I'm glad my alpha likes." Clarke mused, tracing a finger up and down the side of the inch and a half long clit.

"Ohhh! I... it feels sooo... uugh... like I need it so much more..." Lexa whimpered as her knees snapped together, trying to hold back.

"I know. I've tried it before." Clarke kissed the tip of Lexa's clit calmingly. "I wouldn't ask my alpha to do something I hadn't tried myself."

"I..." Lexa was caught in the web of her own thoughts for a moment, ensnared in the knowledge that Clarke knew. She knew what this felt like and she wouldn't have suggested it if she didn't think Lexa would enjoy. The knowledge fed into Lexa's comfort under her alpha, allowed her to feel safer in the hands of her lover. "I love you so much baby." Lexa offered gently, words filled with adoration.

"Come here baby girl." Clarke hugged Lexa's hips.

Lexa purred but couldn't help to stop herself from, raising her hips into Clarke's warmth, aching for more contact with Clarke's sensuous flesh.

"You wanna ruin now don't you?" Clarke giggled feeling Lexa's pseudo erection pressing up against her left breast.

"I... need to..." Lexa whined, bucking faster into the soft flesh, craving more.

"Yes yes, I know love." Clarke kissed Lexa's tight belly.

Lexa only whimpered more at the feeling of the soft lips against her sensitive skin, her whole body A live wire, Clarke only connecting the circuit. "I... oh..." Lexa's voice timid, needing Clarke to soothe the craving between her legs.

"Ruin for me. Tell me when you reach the point of no return." Clarke instructed, taking Lexa into her mouth once more, tangling her tongue along the clit, Working her way down, slipping a finger inside the ready wetness of her alpha, coaxing forward the orgasm in her, just to ruin it. Clarke's fingers softly spread the slick slit of the shaking alpha, so desperate for what she knew she didn't truly want.

Lexa enjoyed this, becoming a wreck so easily. Clarke between her legs delivering a pleasure so thick she could drown in it. It was spectacular in a way normal sex wasn't, only focused on getting off. But this... was the journey and this journey was deafeningly delightful.

Lexa panted, her body growing closer, Clarke's touch unyielding, driving her further as she felt herself begin to teeter. "Clarke! I... stop!" Lexa's voice a desperate plea.

"Good girl." Clarke released slowly, knowing Lexa requested the stop slightly early.

"I... I..." Lexa held to the ledge." F! Fuck! I... so close!" Lexa whined.

"Here you go." Clarke offered, stroking the tip of Lexa softly, bringing forth just enough sensation to overwhelm her lover before removing any and all stimulation.

Lexa leaked out a broken scream, the climax arriving and abating with nothing but a whimper, a hint of what it could have been. The pleasure relaxing in her body as everything called for her to beg the alpha above her to return to pleasuring her, to bring her to another true release, the fluids dripping from her a small taunt as she knew she wasn't allowed to cum.

"Enjoy?" Clarke cooed, moving to rest a head on Lexa's chest.

"Ohhh yes." Lexa hummed.

"Good baby. Rest for a bit."

"No. It's time to go..." Lexa protested weakly.

"Ok love. But rest for a moment. Ok?"

"Ok. Deal." Lexa nodded softly.

"Good baby. We'll go soon."

End of chapter 24

Chapter Text

Chapter 25

Author's note: this chapter ended up going somewhere that could potentially be super triggering.

Umm, don't know how to describe it tho so…

TW: Parent being really shitty about their kid being trans/ conversion therapy

Clarke fidgeted uncomfortable and slightly irritable in the passenger seat of Lexa's car.

"Shhhh love it will be ok." Lexa calmed, reaching a hand out before turning on the ignition.

"Lexa … I don't like doctors." Clarke dismissed.

"Your best friend is training to be a doctor!" Lexa countered turning the key and heading off.

"She is training to design things like the brace that helped her walk again. Not to be a doctor!" Clarke argued.

"Are you kidding me Clarke?" Lexa giggled.

"No! I really don't like doctors!"

"Hey. Love? What's wrong? What don't I know?" Lexa questioned, reaching out, taking her alpha's hand.

"I … I don't like doctors." Clarke repeated insecure.

"Baby? What is it?" Lexa worried.

"I... my mom is a doctor... and... when I told her... when I told her what I am…" Clarke shied away from finishing her words, turning her head to hide tears, looking out the window to the urban jungle unaware of the hurting woman within the confines of the automobile.

"I... Clarke... I'm so sorry." Lexa stopped the car, pulling off to the side uncaring of the honking cars behind them. "I'm here my love."

"I... it doesn't matter." Clarke lied unconvincingly.

"Yes, it does. She hurt you. And you matter."

"I..."

"Don't you dare argue!"

Clarke whimpered, relaxing as Lexa wrapped her arms around her.

"I love you. I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry your mother didn't understand." Lexa soothed.

"Ohh. She understood... that was the problem..." Clarke lamented, cars honking louder as passerbys held up angry fingers.

"What do you mean love?"

"I... you should keep driving before someone kills us." Clarke tried to lighten the mood.

"Ok. But only if my alpha promises to talk to me." Lexa threw her tone intentionally to mimic an omega concerned for their alpha, knowing accurately that it would soothe the parts of Clarke that loathed being weak and having these insecurities, this baggage.

Clarke knew Lexa did it intentionally to soothe her, but that didn't change the fact that it helped immensely. "Thank you." Clarke's voice soft and smooth as she shifted in her seat, moving to rest her head against the alpha she loved. "I... well…" Clarke went silent for a moment.

"What Happened with your mom love?"

"I... well... she... she was certain... she was certain I was just rebelling, that... that this was something I had deluded myself into believing. If... if I hadn't been of age to make decisions for myself legally she would have attempted to have me hospitalized... I... she did try... she just didn't succeed." Clarke explained.

"I... she tried to…" Lexa tried to process, remembering talk of a camp her aunt and uncle had suggested sending her late cousin to before he died, she had never understood as a young teen why her aunt and uncle had taken the idea of sending him to camp so seriously, like an issue of life or death... but after what had happened she never thought twice about it, not until now. She now understood what they had said so much more, realizing why he wouldn't be able to leave... That it wasn't a camp, it was a conversion therapy center. "I... Clarke..." Lexa whimpered, the truth of her cousin's death becoming ever more evident. The simultaneous gut punch of realizing it wasn't her fault almost as much a relief as the truth of why he had ended his life was a crushing revelation.

"I... I don't like doctors anymore. I... haven't been to one since." Clarke sniffled, nuzzling to Lexa.

"I... it will be ok my love" Lexa buried the newfound emotions, needing to be strong for her alpha. "I will be there and I won't let you go. I promise."

"I... ok baby." Clarke yawned, tired, scared, but feeling comfort in her Alpha's arms.

"Rest my love. I will wake you when we get there." Lexa whispered.

Clarke only learned it was a lie when she awoke in Lexa's arms, being carried through the parking lot. "Grrr! You said you'd wake me when we got here."

"Yeah, but my alpha was too cute sleeping against me like that." Lexa allowed Clarke to stand, kissing the woman.

"Mmmph. I love you." Clarke growled back softly, nuzzling the loving alpha.

"I know baby. Now let's go." Lexa urged, hurrying the alpha, knowing they were already far too close to being late.

The two scurried into the office quickly before filling out paperwork together.

"Clarke, Clarke Griffin." A young man in scrubs called opening the door to the back room.

"That's me!" Clarke stood up

"So you're the umm Clarke Griffin for the ultrasound?" The nurse questioned.

"I… yeah." Clarke sighed, unexcited about being in such a position, feeling her biological dynamic more than she ever wished to.

"Come right this way ma'am." The nurse ushered in a kind manner that Clarke couldn't help but mistake for condescension.

"Thank you sir." Lexa made sure to be polite seeing her alpha grumbled under her breath irritated by the perceived slight.

"I… yeah." The nurse paused, uncertain how to react to the seeming good cop, bad cop routine the two Alpha's gave him.

"Thank you." Lexa repeated trying to soothe him.

"Y... yes! Umm right through this door!" He instructed, opening the door and gesturing towards the examination chair with stirrups already set up.

"Come on baby, relax love." Lexa soothed, escorting the uncomfortable Clarke to the chair, standing by her alpha's side.

"So, you are the alpha? The sire." The nurse grabbed a stool and sitting down, pulling up a clipboard as he looked to Lexa.

"I!" Clarke growled.

"We both are." Lexa corrected.

"I... what?" He sniffed the air before gesturing to Clarke. "She is the pregnant one right?"

"Yes. But we are both Alphas." Lexa added Clarke growling deep and low.

"Huh?" The nurse shook his head.

"I am an alpha. Deal with it."

"I..." he couldn't wrap his head around it as he sniffed at the air. "I don't think so You smell like an omega. You bitches are messing with me!" He laughed it off.

Lexa lost her cool with that comment. "You will shut your TRAP right now before I muzzle you BETA!" Lexa roared. "Now I want to see your boss." Lexa watched as he gave a disbelieving glare. "Now!"

"Fine fucking crazy omega." The laughter breaking what was left of Lexa's restraint.

"You worthless waste of!" Lexa's logical thought evaporated as Clarke held her back, hugging to her appreciative.

"Back the fuck off! Fucking muzzle her!" He jumped scared, running off.

"I..."

"Shhh, baby. I'm alright." Clarke whispered.

"I... he… uugh!"

"I know. I... thank you. I love you. You are amazing for caring so much. I love you." Clark held to Lexa, crying into her back, a mixture of relief, adoration, dysphoria, and hurt.

"He… that bastard!"

"I know. He was. But you are my alpha. And you stood up for me."

"I... of course I did Clarke!" Lexa growled protective. "You would too! It's what we do. It's what Alpha's do for their mate!" Lexa answered, to her it was all obvious, the first and so far only woman, hell person! who never saw her as anything other than an alpha. Strong, proud, capable, loving. All the things Clarke saw in Lexa, all the things any passerby would have seen in Lexa. But... for Clarke it was more than novel, it was more than anything to her. Lexa never questioned. She always saw the exact same qualities in Clarke, no matter what. She knew Clarke was an alpha in her soul. And it was nothing to her, nothing noteworthy whatsoever. For Lexa, it would have been harder to see Clarke as anything but alpha. And this fact finally processing for Clarke... she would never be able to put it to words even if she tried.

"I... Thank you."

"What for my love?" Lexa asked confirmed every feeling Clarke just had. "For seeing me how you do. For never having eyes that told me I am an omega."

"Eyes that told you what?"

"I... so many people... I can see it in their eyes, that they don't believe me, that I'm not an alpha to them. But... but you. You've never had that look you never questioned it."

"Well of course. Why would I?"

"And that is why I thanked you … for your unwavering belief and support. Your... your... your undoubting understanding of who I truly am."

"I... well that isn't really something you should thank me for. It isn't even something I can control. I... you were introduced to me as an alpha and nothing I've seen has ever given me any reason to see that in any other light." Lexa explained.

"I love you so much."

"I love you too."

"What the hell did you do to my nurse! He is trembling!" A woman in a lab coat entered, clearly overly busy and frustrated with the added work.

"Oh yeah!? Jimmy fucks his face, and needs to learn to shut the hell up?!" Lexa snapped spinning around all ready to attack.

"I'm sorry she is very protective of her alpha." Clarke apologized for Lexa, holding the infuriated woman back.

"I... is someone hurt?" The woman's angry face suddenly softened, her pheromones slipping softer, clearly an alpha.

"Ohhh! Well, that little shit will be if I see his fucking face again!" Lexa growled.

"I'm fine. But... Lexa here is mad for me." Clarke sighed. Pulling Lexa back.

"What happened? I... did Austin say something stupid again?" Exhausted recognition obvious on her face.

"You bet numbnuts said something stupid!" Lexa slowly calmed still angry.

"He... he said some not so great things about me after I told him I am an alpha."

"He called us crazy and bitches!"

"I…" the woman stuttered.

"He was incredibly dismissive and transphobic." Clarke answered.

"I… I'm sorry." The doctor looked rattled to her very core.

"You need to fire him!" Lexa commanded.

"Yes. He will be fired for this."

"I... well… umm good!" Lexa nodded stoic. "I'm so sorry. I. How can I help you two alphas?" She didn't miss a beat, immediately understanding what had happened.

"I... well I am here for an ultrasound. I... I am pregnant." Clarke answered.

"Oh? Yes. I... let me get that started!" She rushed to Clarke's side, seemingly drawn to the woman, pulling a machine closer and prepping the ultrasound, her head low.

"Are you ok?" Clarke reached a hand out to the woman.

"She is shameful of her shit employee!" Lexa dismissed callous.

"Yes I... I am." The doctor looked up, pain in her eyes.

"But you aren't ok." Clarke just knew, reading the woman, an old kindred soul that Clarke intuitively knew.

"Yes. Yes, I'm fine."

"You just said you agreed after I said you aren't ok." Clarke picked it up seamlessly.

"I... no! I said I'm fine." She laughed it off.

"Ok." Clarke softened. Knowing the woman didn't want her to push, instead reaching out an open hand.

"I..." she stuttered, hands running down her lab coat, clearly shaken, only she and Clarke knowing the truth of why.

"You what?" Lexa barked harsh, dominant and protective of her alpha, inpatient with the woman she saw as complicit by having hired the man who hurt her alpha.

"I thank you, Clarke." She answered calm, taking Clarke's hand placing a small card in it, Clarke knowing to be discreet about it as she pulled her hand back to her side. "I appreciate your understanding."

"Of course. How could I not." Clarke answered reassuring, the kindness baffling to Lexa.

"So! Ultrasound time!"

"Yes! Thank you." Lexa groaned.

"Here, go for it." Clarke lifted her shirt and undid her pants, pulling them down slightly.

"Yes. So. Little cold." The doctor began squirting the gel into Clarke's belly to a small yelp.

Lexa growled despising the woman for Making her alpha yelp, glaring at her as a challenge. "Watch it." Lexa threatened in her overprotective state.

Both Clarke and the doctor giggled together.

"Yes I... I'm sorry" the doctor stifled giggles." And... thank you." The heartfelt words hitting Lexa as peculiar, but... somehow familiar soothing her apprehension.

"So!" The doctor began, placing the wand over Clarke's belly, spreading the gel, a picture showing almost immediately, the woman taking a moment to locate her target. "Here we go!"

"So... I... when I got pregnant I was still on suppressants. I took extra to block my heats, and …"

"Yes. Your Baby should be healthy, but we should be mindful to watch for complications. Many of your body's natural functions are shut down by over-consuming suppressants as a biological omega. And when adjusting, and during the pregnancy, there can be complications, but if we monitor it will be something we can prevent from actually harming you or your child."

"I... how do you know so much about trans alphas?" Lexa pressed.

"I am an ob-gyn. This is actually a common issue, unexpected pregnancies from over-consumption of suppressants. And... not all clinics are experienced in dealing with it, but... mine is" She defended with zealous pride." I am sorry you had a bad experience with the new hire, it is his second day. He... won't have a third. Especially considering I see a number of alphas in your situation."

"How many?" Clarke perked up.

"I... I see it more than I would like. Especially considering the pain those that would misuse suppressants endure to push them to such a point."

"I... oh... I'm sorry." Lexa stepped back noting the hurt behind her eyes.

Clarke nodded softly, understanding, resting comfortably in the chair, safe around these two.

"I understand if you do not wish to come back. I do. But please allow me to give you a list of clinics which are aware of the complications that may arise and how to deal with them safely." She offered.

"No need. We will come back." Clarke answered hastily.

"W- what!?" Lexa recoiled.

"Well, I'm glad to hear."

Lexa growled frustrated with her own confusion, but forfeiting as she realized this meant she wouldn't have to fight Clarke any more about going to the doctor. "Fine... whatever keeps you coming in and keeps our baby safe." Lexa grumbled.

"Yes yes love." Clarke hummed.

"Thank you." The doctor turned to Clarke who immediately opened her arms and hugged the doctor.

"I!" Lexa's eyes went wide, astounded by Clarke's change in outlook on the doctor. Her alpha was full of surprises today.

"It will be ok. You are strong, and your partner is too." The Doctor instructed.

"Thank you. You are too." Clarke assured, the hug lasting longer than Lexa was comfortable with, still on edge, her inner alpha eager to jump at anything, and feeling overly possessive, a warning growl building in her throat.

"Relax love." Clarke soothed breaking the hug with the Doctor.

"This place is so unprofessional." Lexa whispered angrily to herself.

"Shhhh!" Clarke hissed.

"No. No, she is right. It was unprofessional."

"I..." Clarke looked to the doctor, for confirmation that she hadn't misread.

"You are right but still." The Doctor confirmed. "I... well that is my cue. Have a great day you two. No charge for this one. I am just so sorry for what happened."

"I... thank you." Lexa growled, angered on some level that she had the chance to provide taken from her.

"It's ok love." Clarke corrected. "Thank you. Have a wonderful day. I will see you next time." Clarke called to the Doctor as she headed out.

"I... don't like her." Lexa grumbled, Clarke, cleaning her belly off and standing.

"I do." Clarke answered confident, the tone almost scary to Lexa, so much so it shut her up until they had re-entered the car, the irrational fear of losing her alpha to someone else crushing. Lexa could do nothing but replay it all back in her head. The interaction, what she had done wrong why Clark seemed so interested and taken by the alpha. Lexa's inner turmoil only broken by noticing Clarke turning two business cards in her hands, eyes dashing eagerly over the text.

"Y... you! You slut! You... you did like her! You. You!" Lexa steamed, slamming on the breaks, her inner alpha distraught beyond any ability to reason, nightmares playing in her eyes of her alpha being stolen. "You have the damned balls to find another woman in front of me... y...you… you whore!" Lexa broke down in tears.

"No Lexa. No. I'm... I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you had such fears. I knew you were on edge but I didn't know it was that bad." Clarke empathized.

"I... I... am I not enough?" Lexa sobbed.

" You are I promise you are." Clarke grabbed her lover, holding her tight doing her best to support the distraught woman.

"I… what is it then. When did she secretly slip you a card!?"

"She slipped me two cards. One for the clinic Nyko Ob-Gyn and hormone specialist. And one for her trans support group. They meet downtown on Wednesday nights."

"I... her what?"

"Her trans support group. She is trans too. She invited me to her support group. That is what these cards are for." Clarke answered.

"I... fuck... I... that is why."

"Yeah. I knew pretty immediately. It was how she looked at me when we explained what her employee had done. She was in pain." Clark explained.

"I... I am such an asshole." Lexa dropped her head against the steering wheel, horn blaring as she hit it.

"No. You are my alpha and you got scared." Clarke giggled.

"I... I should have trusted you."

"And you will next time.'

"I... thank you Clarke." Lexa whimpered.

"It's ok. Just relax baby let's go home. Spend the day laying in bed." Clarke suggested eager.

"Yeah. Sounds nice." Lexa agreed, sniffling, wiping her face clean.

"Come on baby. Relax. Cuddles as soon as we are home"

"I... ok." Lexa purred, still guilt-ridden, but eager to cuddle her alpha.

End of chapter 25

Chapter Text

Chapter 26

"What is it love?" Clarke asked the silent woman giving off no hint of dissatisfaction other than her hesitant breaths which her alpha noticed easily.

"Nothing love." Lexa tried and failed to mimic her alpha's calm tone.

"Don't lie to me." Clarke whispered the words a tender worried request.

"I..."

"What is it baby?"

"I... I haven't snapped like that in a long time." Lexa lamented her outburst.

"You were scared." Clarke dismissed.

"How... how can you be... be so forgiving?" Lexa half whimpered, silent fearful tears escaping her eyes as she thanked any and all supernatural forces that Clarke wasn't positioned to see the tears.

"Because of how you were scared instead of controlling." Clarke answered. "W...what?"

"Look." Clarke began to sketch upon Lexa's belly between beauty makes and freckles with her finger, enjoying her alpha's soft skin. "I... most alphas… if... if they got scared that I... that I was interested in someone else … they would be possessive, demand their omega keep their wandering eyes to themselves."

"Clarke I called you a slut and a whore." Lexa's breath hitched and she knew it informed Clarke of her crying.

"But you were worried you weren't enough. You didn't go on a diatribe about how I'm yours. You lashed out yes, but, it wasn't in a way that attacked my gender." Clarke reminded Lexa of the underlying emotional truth of her outburst.

"I... I... I was... I... I. I still worry that in a way…"

"Lexa. I am forgiving because even if you lost your temper in the face of fear, you didn't ever see me as an omega."

"You know I never would see you as that. I... you are an alpha."

"I am. But… not everyone sees it that way. Not everyone understands. You do. You more than understand..." Clarke kissed at Lexa's breast where her head layed.

"I love you Clarke. I am so sorry." Lexa whimpered softly.

"I love you too baby. Don't worry so much... you... look... I of anyone understand your dynamic pushing you to do things you wish you didn't. And... I fought it so hard I almost lost you. I... baby... just... trust me a bit more ok? I love you too. And... and it will be ok." Clarke comforted, nuzzling softly at her alpha.

"I love you too." Lexa replied, running a hand gently over Clarke's back. "I will try… no. I will be better." Lexa mouthed, promising only to herself.

"Hmm?" Clarke's purring turned to questioning from the happy relief of her alpha stroking her back to curious of the words she missed.

"Nothing my love. Just … just rest. Please. You need it baby." Lexa offered.

"Ok baby." Clarke hummed, squishing her face happily against Lexa's bosom, getting extra comfy. "Sounds good." Clarke yawned, letting the comfort escort her gracefully to sleep.

"What has you up?" Octavia gave a hasty nod of acknowledgment to the alpha sitting on her couch as she walked in, wearing nothing more than a tight sports bra and black hipster panties that did almost nothing to hide her overly swollen erection. Threatening to rip through the panties.

"Really? You are asking me that... with… that…" the distraught alpha growled softly, feeling insecure, knowing how she looked, her hair a mess, eyes swollen and red from crying while also being darkened by lack of sleep, her clothing old and slightly tattered.

"What!? I'm in my rut!" Octavia growled, opening up the fridge, subconsciously flexing all her muscles, attempting to look large and strong in the presence of another alpha.

"Jesus, trying hard much?" Lexa groaned, frustrated and angry with anything and everything because she was so frustrated with herself.

"I am in my rut, my omega is two rooms away, still moaning my name, it would take more effort to try not to look like a threat right now." Octavia dismissed, chugging a bottle of water. "And what got up your ass exactly?"

"I..."

"Lexa? What the hell is wrong? You don't do this. You don't hide shit... Or sit on your couch alone at… one am on a Wednesday while your alpha is pregnant and in your bed." Octavia sniffed to see if Clarke was in fact still home, still detecting her scent.

"I... the move back Into her old room is... I'm taking it harder than I expected..."

"Do we need to go back to counseling? Or back to group?" Octavia offered, her one-track mind slowly switching rails from mate, fuck, breed to worry, concern, assist.

"No! I… no I don't … I'm fine."

"This isn't you fine"

"I... I will be fine."

"So you admit you aren't fine."

"How could I be!" Lexa growled snapping up from the couch. I... it's one thing to be back in that room! But to be there alone! While Clarke is off back to school?! While you are at work! And Raven is drumming up internships! I..."

"When did you stop cooking?" Octavia hadn't noticed as the fresh meals dwindled as of late, but hearing Lexa speak of it reminded her of the lonely emptiness that spurred Lexa's culinary endeavors.

"I... a couple weeks ago."

"Why!? What are you doing Lexa! I... this is the shit that caused me to have to snap some damn sense into you after you woke up in the hospital! I will drag you to the grief counseling meetings again if I have to!" Octavia threatened.

"I. It isn't that bad! And I would never! I have a pregnant alpha to worry about… to support!... To care for!... To… to not scream at because I'm fucking scared and paranoid..." Lexa whimpered.

"Woah... what happened now?" Octavia stopped in the middle of crushing a second bottle of water.

"I... screamed at Clarke… I... I said horrible things…"

"Why?"

"Because I was angry and scared. I… I thought… I thought she liked her new ob-gyn... and it turns out that she is just trans and that the two of them bonded over it instantly… I. I got so scared and then angry... and I... I just snapped at her… I... I don't feel like I deserve to sleep next to her tonight…" Lexa admitted.

"You know her waking up without you will wreck her emotionally. I... I can't imagine falling asleep with Raven and waking up without her! I... I would murder everyone in my way till I found her, and Clarke will have that instinct plus pregnancy hormones."

"I know. She... she has an alarm at nine to get ready for school. I will sneak back at eight thirty Incase she wakes up early." Lexa dismissed.

"Lexa... that isn't any way to help with paranoia and anxiety… and... what has you so wound up? Even without cooking... which you still haven't answered why you stopped..." Octavia remembered.

"I... I'm writing again... about her..."

"What?" Octavia performed the world's first septuple take, shocked to hear Lexa had begun writing.

"I… well when we opened up that half of the apartment... we opened my office too… and, I have all of her papers, her work, her recipes, her notes, her diary, her mail, letters, love notes she left me. All of it. Her whole life's work, boiled down to paper alone. And... I've been going through it, all of it..."

"I... even... even her K-" Octavia received her answer before she could finish asking.

"Even the kitchen. Everything about it. All the paperwork, all the permits and plans, her whole grand plan." Lexa nodded.

"I... so... what are you doing with it?"

"I'm writing a biography, for the woman who would have fed hundreds if she hadn't been killed."

"And... she is now on your mind constantly and in your mind incessantly? Following you everywhere?" Octavia knew the answer already.

"I...I feel like I see her out of the corner of my eye constantly Octavia. I, I feel like I'm going insane." Lexa whimpered.

"It's ok hun." O tossed away the bottle of water and rushed to her friend's side, hugging the woman.

"I... fuck... O. Your... your dick is poking me." Lexa giggled.

"Deal with it. I'm hugging my friend. And she certainly needs a hug." Octavia dismissed.

"Thank you O." Lexa hugged back, resting her head on Lexa's shoulder.

"Of course hun." Octavia assured, repositioning, pulling her hips back and then sitting down next to Lexa.

"I… it's just so much..." Lexa sighed.

"I bet Clarke would love to hear about it. Not that I don't want to hear it... but you know how you would feel if your alpha was hiding things like this from you." Octavia argued.

"I!" Lexa deflated, ashamed of what she was hiding from her mate, and infuriated with herself that she had let it drive her to lash out at her lover." I haven't even begun to deal with the news about my cousin…" Lexa grimaced.

"I... you have a cousin?"

"Yeah. You knew him."

"I. Oh... Illian." Octavia acknowledged, the somber morbidity settling in.

"He. He didn't kill himself because of me O."

"Of course he didn't! Lexa! I've been telling you this for over a decade! It isn't your fault! It takes more than one patient but not very well understanding fifteen-year-old to make someone kill themselves. Illian was great. But he had his issues. He was troubled and clearly not happy." Octavia ranted.

"I, I know Raven. But I, it's more than that." Lexa sighed preparing herself to deal with the newfound layers to the emotional baggage.

"Wait... what do you mean."

"Well. Clarke mentioned to me that when she came out to her mother, that her mother attempted to have her hospitalized."

Octavia gave a patient but dubious look.

"Clarke's mother was going to have her sent to a conversion therapy camp."

"Ok? But what does that have to do with-"

"My aunt and uncle. They were going to send Illian to a conversion camp. I was a kid! I didn't understand! I didn't know they even existed at the time! So when I heard them talking about sending him to 'camp' like they were sending him in for a life sentence …" Lexa felt the tears beginning.

"Lexa..."

"I… I... I didn't say anything. I… I didn't know... I... he is dead now... because he knew what they were going to do. I know it. I just know it."

"Lexa!" Octavia hugged her once more, wrapping her arms tight around the alpha, doing her best to ensure that her friend knew she wasn't alone.

"I don't know what to do Octavia."

"Yes, you do." Octavia ordered stern to the sniffling alpha." You have to go in there, lay down with your alpha and tell her you need her. Because you do. Clarke will be strong for you, especially when you can't be. And given the insight of all the things you just told me she will forgive you. She loves you more than anything Lexa. And she needs her mate to be open and honest with her. She will hold you. She will talk this out with you. And she will make sure you feel safe."

"I love you Octavia." Lexa nodded allowing the tears to fall.

"I love you too Lexa, Now... I think you have an alpha to confide in."

"Yeah … well, you have an omega to cum in." Lexa teased, sniffing.

"Damn right!" Octavia agreed, standing and heading back to her bedroom, a spare water bottle and a snack in hand for the omega awaiting her.

"Fuck!" Raven moaned, the door clicking open once more.

"That's what we just did, yes my omega."

"Ooooh!" Raven moaned the nickname of her alpha.

"Yes my good little girl?"

"Fuck... I... I'm still dripping... I... your cum is slipping out..." Raven moaned disheartened.

"Well that's what happens when my knot deflates and I pull out of you." Octavia teased, walking closer to her omega and opening the water bottle. "Drink my love. You've certainly been depleted of fluids."

"I... mhmm thank you my alpha." Raven purred, her strong mate providing and even bringing the water to her lips.

"You ok baby?" Octavia caressed Raven's cheek, seeing the drain of the lengthy session had on the omega.

"I'm, off. It's been a long day and my heat has taken me a lot out of me. Uugh. You helped. But you also made it worse in a way." Raven admitted.

"Well, a good knotting and twelve consecutive climaxes tend to do that to my beautiful little girl." Octavia answered prideful.

"I... yeah." Raven blushed.

"I bet that pussy of yours tastes delicious with my cum pouring out if it."

"I! Octavia!" Raven whimpered, wanting to swat at the alpha but finding herself still overly weak.

"Are you saying you don't want my tongue dancing along your swollen pussy?"

"Fuuuck! I! Please!"

"Good girl." Octavia praised, moving down, placing the water on the nightstand for the omega, positioning herself above Raven, dropping her head and lapping at the mess of wetness and cum leaking from the stretched omega.

"Octavia!" Raven gasped.

"Good girl." Octavia purred, drinking in her omega.

"I! Octavia! Damn! More! Fuck!" Raven panted trying to catch her breath as Octavia moved deeper, sucking at the omega's sensitive slit, devouring her.

"Good girl, I like it when you are wrecked, me between your thighs.

"O! I! Please. I... need to!"

"You wanna cum baby?"

"Yes! Fuck! I'm so close! More! Please!" Raven writhed softly, raising her hips for Octavia.

"That's my girl!" Octavia purred, attacking the omega's clit, sucking it into her mouth and grazing her teeth against it softly before soothing it with her tongue expertly swirling it around Raven's oversensitive nub, drawing forth her orgasm.

Raven bucked and screamed, finding energy she thought to be long gone from her exhausting day and being knotted repeatedly.

"That's my girl!" Octavia praised, patting the omega on her slightly bulging belly, accustomed to being filled throughout the long night.

"I... didn't think I could cum again after the last one." Raven tried to catch her breath, drained and dazed by the umpteenth climax of the night.

"You can always cum for me baby." Octavia reminded full of herself feeling extra dominant and able to provide.

"Jesus... what got into you baby?" Raven whimpered, watching her muscular alpha wearing only a tight pair of athletic bra and panties crawl atop her. "You know exactly what!" Octavia growled and nipped at her omega's mating mark causing a spontaneous belabored moan to escape from her omega.

"I! Oh god. Fuck you… need to slow down with that! I... god my... my everything is so sensitive."

"Well, that's what happens when we both go off of our suppressants and your heat kicks in the day I get a promotion and a raise." Octavia teased.

"Does it really count if you gave yourself the promotion." Raven eyed, unable to hide that her omega instincts still adored knowing that the alpha was more than able to provide.

"On the day you go into your first heat without suppressants it does,"

"I! Didn't plan this timing right." Raven groaned.

"You planned perfectly! We are gonna have a baby! And your alpha will provide, make you and our baby happy." Octavia boasted.

"Yes yes, I'm sure you will, but... I... full heats are terrible." Raven complained.

"Really? I rather enjoy us both being off suppressants!" Octavia argued overly pleased.

"Really? I'm shocked! You get extra confident, your muscles swell so you only look sexier, not to mention that you are showing it off completely unashamed, you get to bury your cock inside of me constantly because I'm craving you every moment of the day, I'm overly slick for you to the point I'm worried about ruining my pants, and you get to boast about being able to provide, and no matter how ridiculous or corny it is it still makes me drenched and crave to spread my legs all over again and beg for your cock." Raven growled.

"You are drenched and you crave to spread your legs for me and beg for my cock again?" Octavia lost any of Raven's other words after hearing those.

"I! Fuck you! You get all the good stuff, and I have to take the week off school and I'm constantly exhausted, overheating, just thinking is hard, and my core feels so empty!"

"You feel empty?" Octavia couldn't help but enjoy as her cock twitched.

"I love you. But when we go off of suppressants you turn into a slut."

"Oh like you aren't too?"

"I!" Raven whimpered, feeling her instincts will overwhelm her and push her to spread her legs, the alpha over her releasing a dominant scent that demanded it. "You asshole!"

"Do you want me to stop? I'd be Happy to just cuddle."

"Fuck! No. I... please. That … your scent. It is too much. If we cuddled... it would feel like someone left burning coals in my pussy!" Raven pleaded.

"Of course my love. I'm here, relax baby" Octavia lowered the register of her voice, ensuring it would calm the omega. "Relax." O repeated, taking a hand and slowly massaging Raven's slit, knowing it would help even if just a little.

"D...damn that feels good." Raven took a sharp breath, trying her best to follow her Alpha's instructions to relax.

"Good, I'm glad. And... I... if you want. We can go back on our suppressants. I don't want you in pain love. This was so we could enjoy ourselves and move forward in life, not to be excruciating for you."

"I... no." Raven immediately made intentional eye contact with her alpha. "No. I want this. I want your baby. I didn't mean to talk you out of it in any way. I, I just was complaining. I love you, and I love you filling me like this." Raven smiled softly, feeling Octavia at her entrance, the cock pressing against her reminding her of how she had been writhing in pleasure only moments ago.

"I'm glad." Octavia purred, slipping effortlessly into the omega, already spread and needy for her.

"Fuck. O!" Raven clawed at O's back, the stretch of The Alpha's still slightly swollen knot stretching her more than she anticipated.

"You like? It didn't go down all the way yet, and with your scent, it probably won't until I knot you again." Octavia offered.

"You know I like!" Raven argued, knowing Octavia could see it all over her face. "D...damn, it hits all the right spots."

"Good girl!" Octavia bucked in deeper, adoring the walls of Raven clamping down around her.

"Fuck... I... I'm gonna cum again already!"

"Soooo easy to make you release."

"D...don't tease me!" Raven's legs snapped around Octavia's hips, climax and oversensitivity driving her mad, legs wanting to close, but her alpha in the way, and with no intentions of letting up.

"That's it, cum for me, don't stop, I adore your cunt clamping down on me endlessly as your orgasm ravages you."

Raven lost any ability to form words or even logical thought, her eyes rolling back as her release only grew, her alpha fucking harder and faster, forcing her to ride it harder and longer as guttural, animalistic cries broke free from her throat. "Soooo damned good!" Octavia howled bucking in harder, feeling the repetitive clamps of her omega's core around her call forth her own climax hastily.

Raven's head didn't clear until after the alpha had sprayed herself inside her filling her completely, amazing her by how much cum her virile alpha could produce. The haze of hormones and delightful humming pleasure resonating through her body as she felt her core perfectly stretched by the Alpha's knot.

"Enjoy yourself?"

"Yesss."

"I'm glad. Now, you need sleep baby."

"I..." Raven yawned. "Yeah."

"Good. Now, sleep, relax, make sure our little one has a good place to form."

"Mhmm yeah." Raven agreed.

End of chapter 26

Author's Note: So as some of you already know I work as a barista at Starbucks, and I think it might be pretty interesting to delve down into Costia's kitchen idea.

It is specifically inspired because we had a homeless man who stayed in and around my Starbucks, and recently he was kicked out. I don't know why, just has my mind thinking about stuff. I honestly never saw the guy eat, and I saw him every day, only thing I ever saw him consume was water I had served him. In retrospect kinda wish had gotten him lunch once or twice. Idk, just been on my mind, and seems like something could explore in this story.

Thanks for reading everybody! More soon!

Chapter Text

Chapter 27

Author's note: Hey! So I did a quick edit to the last chapter! Just cause I didn't have Lexa confide in Octavia about the stuff with her cousin. So just wanted to give everyone a heads up that got edited. Probably worth going back and checking the edit, it's a nice addition.

"C... Clarke?" Lexa nudged the alpha softly, after slipping back into the soft warm bed they shared.

Clarke barely moved, in a deep tranquil slumber.

"Clarke." Lexa repeated hushed, the still quiet tone retrieving no results. "Clarke!" Lexa pulled on the Alpha's shoulder, pulling her from her side on to her back.

"Grrr! Lexa... Lexa pussy good…" Clarke licked her lips, clearly deep in the dirtiest of dreams.

"You slut!" Lexa giggled.

"Hmm?" Clarke's eyes fluttered open. "I... why are you laughing? I... Lexa? You… you've been crying." Clarke could tell almost immediately even in the dark of their bedroom, the health and well-being of her mate always on the forefront of her mind.

"I have. But you made me laugh."

"Well, uugh good? How'd I do that?" Clarke questioned confused but happy that she could bring her alpha joy.

"Does 'Lexa pussy good' ring any bells?" Lexa grinned wider.

"Oh god! I... I was fucking you in my dream."

"Well, my alpha can always fuck me in real life."

"Noooot like that!"

"Huh? Why not?"

"Well first of all in the dream … I had a cock." Clarke blushed.

"Ooooh. My alpha wants to stuff me full?" Lexa giggled able to forget her struggles and worries for the moment, captivated by her alpha, and her primal craving.

"Isn't that what all alpha's want?" Clarke teased, hiding the subtle fear, that her omega instincts would devalue her efficacy as an alpha.

"Well... it isn't what I want right now... Now that you've put the idea in my head…" Lexa grabbed Clarke and pulled her up on top of her, Making Clarke lay atop her. "I think I want to feel you stuff me full, make me scream, stretch me wide, force me to cum for you?"

"You fucking tease!" Clarke growled deeply, pinning Lexa's hands down above her head.

"Well, when you talk about fucking me like that… what do you expect."

"I don't even have my damn strap right now..." Clarke frowned displeased.

"I'm sorry my love."

" Now... you were crying. Why?"

"I...I..."

"Answer, or I will never buy a new strap and fill you." Clarke threatened playfully.

"I. I woke you up for a reason love. And it wasn't to get filled by you and your perfect would be cock. I… there is a lot of stuff going on right now. I... I need to talk to you. And apologize for having kept it all hidden from you." Lexa admitted guilt-ridden.

Clarke growled protective as she grabbed Lexa pulling her close into her arms, kissing and nibbling at the top of Lexa's distraught head. "Mine! Protect. Love. Hold!" Clarke held Lexa tighter as the alpha began to giggle softly.

"Yours." Lexa echoed relieved to be held by her lover.

"So. What is it my love? What's wrong."

"There, there is so much. But. I am so relieved to finally be able to tell you." Lexa whimpered.

"Well, you have to let me read it." Clarke answered the moment Lexa finished explaining the writings she had been beginning in memoriam for Costia.

"God no!"

"Yes. I wanna read my baby's writing."

"Certainly not!" Lexa insisted.

"Why not?"

"Because… I... I don't want you to feel unspecial. I... I loved Costia. And this is my … my goodbye to her. But I'm afraid if you were to read it… that you would feel… less by comparison. Like why didn't she write about me, I'm her alpha." Lexa hypothesized.

"Lexa. I understand I got worked up and worried that you loved her more the other day. But... I was overreacting and I understand. I promise. I love you and I want to read it. I wanna know about what's going on with my alpha. And even more so if it is still haunting you so much." Clarke supported.

"Ok. Ok baby." Lexa sighed giving in, nuzzling to the alpha hugging her.

"I love you. What else is it? I can feel you are still holding something back."

"I... my cousin… the one who killed himself…" Lexa began.

"Yes?"

"Something you said the other day... it made me realize that his parents were going to send him off to a conversion therapy camp… they planned to tell him the night before he killed himself. I... I'm pretty sure he killed himself because he was afraid. Of what they would do to him... of what would happen if he got sent off there." Lexa sighed terrified of what fear he must have endured before his death.

"I... I'm so so sorry. Lexa. I... are you ok?"

"It, it is just digging a lot of stuff up for me." Lexa nodded.

"And that is part of why you've been so on edge?"

"Yeah."

"Ok. Well... I think you should talk to them."

"Them who?"

"Your aunt and uncle. It might be a way to gain some resolution for you?" Clarke suggested.

"I... maybe." Lexa sighed.

"Ok. But you have had a long day. And I know you never fell asleep. You've been sitting on the couch all night beating yourself up about this afternoon haven't you?" Clarke pushed knowingly.

"I... how'd..." Lexa stuttered.

"I was still awake when you left bed and I woke up around twelve and noticed you had left the bed. You had me worried asshole." Clarke nudged Lexa with her forehead.

"I... I'm sorry love." Lexa stressed as Clarke clearly intended it light-heartedly.

"Relax Lexa. Rest in your Alpha's arms. Breathe in and allow yourself to sleep. I know you need it."

"I... o... ok baby." Lexa yawned, feeling Clarke's strong arms around her, the pregnant alpha's sent perfect, an odorous lullaby calling her to rest her head upon Clarke's breasts and nuzzle her softly, eyelids growing heavy as she followed her Alpha's commands.

"That's my girl." Clarke purred happily.

"Ni...night night." Lexa whimpered.

End of chapter 27

Chapter Text

Chapter 28

Clarke woke before Lexa, easily aware that her mate still needed much more sleep and that she should be allowed to rest. Clarke kissed the slumbering alpha on the cheek before slipping out of bed. Clarke found some comfy pajamas and headed out to the kitchen for breakfast, only to be stopped by the open door to Lexa's study. Clarke paused tempted by the idea, wishing to read Lexa's works.

Before she knew it she had sauntered in through the cracked door, flipping on the lights, finding several notepads scribbled with notes and ideas, Lexa's personal ramblings. Clarke felt the allure of the notepads, but didn't want to read them, she didn't want to completely violate her Alpha's space to read what Lexa never intended to be for anyone but herself.

"Hmmm, anything finished hiding out in here." Clarke's eyes darted over everything scattered along everything looking for something that had clearly been finished, most of the binders and notepads that adorned Lexa's study were clearly not anything more than personal papers, notes, and research. After a while, Clarke forfeited the idea of successfully finding what she wished to, turning around to find a wall adorned with a variety of novels. The bookshelves stretched from floor to ceiling, crossing the whole wall, and almost completely filled with an astounding variety of books. Clarke recognized a number of the books, but even the dozens she could identify didn't rival the hundreds Lexa owned.

Clarke's eye was easily drawn to the shelf which had the most empty space, just about eye level as she walked up to it. It held six or seven small magazines, followed by three novels listed compendium, poems, and short stories to kill. Then, the final hardcover, bold silver letters spelled out Lexa Trigeda. Clarke paused. "There it is..." she snagged the book, taking it with her as she headed out to the living room, eager to get at least a cup of coffee and maybe a small something to eat while she began to devour her lover's works.

"Hey there Clarke?" Raven called from the dining room, comfy in an overly plush robe, clearly beyond content.

"What has you all smiley?"

"Oh her? She finally got her heat satisfied just like she deserves." Octavia growled happily flipping eggs in one pan, bacon sizzling in another.

"Yeah… mhmm, it's been a very nice morning!" Raven purred in agreement.

"That's my girl." Octavia praised happy her omega was sated.

"You got any spare for me?" Clarke requested.

"Yeah. Sit on down, it'll be ready in a minute." Octavia invited.

"Here. I made coffee earlier, thought you and Lexa might want some when you woke." Raven offered pouring Clarke a warm cup.

"Thanks hun your the best." Clarke gave Raven a hug in return before sitting down next to her.

"Whatcha got there?" Raven eyed the book.

"It's Lexa's."

"Jesus? She actually letting you read it?" Octavia recognized the book from a quick glance over her shoulder.

"I... well. N...not really."

"You took from her library without permission?" Octavia half huffed half cowered in fear.

"Yeah? Uugh I? Something wrong with that?"

"No not if you want to experience her full scorn." Octavia giggled.

"I... is it that bad?"

"If you didn't get permission to read it? Yes. First, she is hella anal about her books. She is more protective over them than she was of Costia. In fact… you might be the only one that can get away with touching her books." Octavia paused.

"Huh?"

"Costia is the only person I've ever seen touch Lexa's library and not get killed for it. So... given that you're her mate... ya know what… she might actually want you to read it. But I would really talk to her about it first. That book... it is her heart and soul. She might feel … ya know. Naked in front of you if all a sudden you know what's between those pages." O elaborated, taking the pan full of eggs and doling them out speedily before adding two strips of bacon to each.

"You think?"

"I've read it. I know, it's how she felt when I looked at her for about a month or two."

"It's that personal?"

"Isn't anything that you spend three years of your life making incredibly personal. Not to mention how much of her actually made it through." Octavia explained.

"I... got it." Clarke nodded timid as she ran her fingers over the embossed letters that spelled the name of her alpha.

"Hey relax. I'm sure she will let you read it." Raven placed a calming hand over Clarke's. "She loves you. It will all work out."

"Thanks Raven." Clarke nodded in appreciation.

"Dig in girls."

"Huh? Mhmmm... Baby?" Lexa's eyes fluttered open as she felt soft kisses at her neck.

"That's a girl." Lexa could feel a hand gently caressing her side, clearly waiting patiently for consent to grope her breasts.

"Clarke? Oh, alpha." Lexa purred taking in the scent of her mate.

"morning baby."

"I... mhmm you let me sleep in didn't you?" Lexa cooed, looking around for her alarm clock to confirm the time.

"Of course I did."

"I!" Lexa went rigid noticing something else on her nightstand as Clarke continued kissing unaware.

"My girl deserves some rest. You have had a long couple of days with a lot on your mind."

"Yes! I do have a lot!" Lexa's voice teetering on shrill as she sat up in bed.

"What is it?"

"I told you no Clarke!"

"Huh? I... I didn't mean to touch you in a way you didn't wanna be touched!" Clarke recoiled scared she had pushed Lexa by waking her with kisses and gentle caresses.

"No! You! You went into my study! And you... you!" Lexa grabbed her novel from her nightstand, pulling it close, holding it over her heart, feeling a need to protect the flaw in her armor.

"I! I didn't read it Lexa! I... I mean I was gonna. But..."

"Clarke! Why the hell would you read it! Especially after I told you no!"

"I told you it wouldn't make me feel unspecial."

"But I didn't give you carte Blanche to pilfer my library!"

"Lexa! I didn't even read it!"

"You said yourself you were gonna! What changed?"

"I... Octavia. She mentioned to me that... that your novel was extremely personal... and... I never opened the book. Because of what she said. How she said it. I... I understand. That book is …"

"It is me. It is a part of me, of my life, of my heart. All of my writings are." Lexa allowed her arms to drop, once more bearing her heart for her mate.

"I know. And... I woke you up because I got impatient." Clarke sighed taking Lexa's hands wrapped around the book in her own.

"And that is why I woke you up. I wanted to ask for permission. I... I wanna know more about you. My Lexa."

"Promise… promise me..."

"What!? Anything! I promise!"

"Promise me you won't see me differently." Lexa's face was clearly full of shame and fear.

"I... why would I see you differently?"

"I... just... promise. Ok?" Lexa looked down and away.

"Well." Clarke moved closer on the bed to Lexa, caressing her cheek." what if after I read it I just see you as this amazing writer, a woman so established in her life, a perfect mate for me. A strong woman I love."

"I love you. And … that probably isn't something you will feel."

"I love you. And I have to read for us to find out don't I?"

Lexa nodded timid. "Ok." She held the book out to Clarke." Please be careful with it tho. It was the first hardcover I had printed. It is my most prized possession."

"I will guard it with my life."

"I love you."

"I love you too baby. What is it?"

"I... it's gonna be a long day." Lexa sighed trying to prepare herself.

"What is it?"

"I need to talk to my aunt and uncle."

"Oh... fuck." Clarke nodded, processing what it meant. "Do you want me to come with?"

"No. I, I have to do this myself. You have some reading to do, now don't you?" Lexa leaned in and plopped a kiss on Clarke's cheek.

"I'm here when you get back."

"I know my love. Thank you."

End of chapter 28

Chapter Text

Chapter 29

"You can do this. I believe in you Lexa."

"I... I don't even know what I want to say to them." Lexa looked around anxious.

"You spent an hour procrastinating by choosing different outfits seven times over."

"I know. I know I know. I... but this… I'm scared! These people practically raised me!"

"It's your aunt and uncle, not your mom and dad."

"Clarke... my parents were busy, working overtime to make sure I went to a good school, a good college, Making sure I could do what I wanted. And... to their credit, it worked. But in the meantime, I spent a lot of time with my aunt and uncle. They lived down the street, I spent more time with them than I did with my own parents."

"Fuck... I... that... changes … a lot."

"Yeah. So, that's why I'm so anxious about this. It is kinda like I'm confronting my parents about this."

"Ok ok. You win." Clarke agreed.

"Yeah." Lexa repeated scared.

"Come here, my baby." Clarke opened her arms for her mate.

"I love you."

"And I you, my beautiful strong girl." Clarke wrapped tight around Lexa, kissing and nibbling gently at her mate's cheek.

"Thank you my alpha." Lexa kissed back at Clarke.

"Aww. You know just what I love to hear my love."

"Of course. My perfect alpha." Lexa pulled back before placing a hand against Clarke's belly.

"It's ok. I'm ok. She is ok."

"She?" Lexa hung to the gender like it would tell her all the wonders and woes that her child might live to see.

"She." Clarke claimed confident.

"Well, then how are my girls?"

"We are ok." Clarke giggled repeating herself.

"I know it is hard on you."

"Don't worry. I'm getting more accustomed to it. And... well, having someone affirm my gender every day the way you do makes it all a lot easier. Yes. The dysphoria is still there. But it gets a lot easier when I have you here showing me I am an alpha in your eyes. It means a lot."

"I know love. And you are my alpha." Lexa comforted.

"Your stalling."

"I! Am! Uugh... stalling." Lexa deflated. "I'm scared."

"I can come with?" Clarke offered once more.

"No. I... I got this. You… you have a novel to read." Lexa flashed a smile pushing her emotions down before heading off.

"I will be here for you when you are done. I promise." Clarke hollered back at Lexa as she left.

"Thank you." Lexa thanked the air, more than aware that Clarke was out of earshot, but still appreciative tucking the threads of love strung along in each of Clarke's words into her breast pocket, knowing her tender heart could use the padding.

Lexa embarked on the drive heavy-hearted, devoid of Hope and consumed with fear and a fit of conflicted anger. No part of Lexa ever wanted to be angry with her aunt and uncle, she was almost as close with them as she was with her own parents. But. She knew what they had done. How their choices had affected her cousin, a man who was like a brother to her, dead. Because of what they had done… or... well at least threatened and planned to do. A part of Lexa wanted to fight to deny her own memories, to live in a delusional paradise where she wouldn't have to deal with confrontation of her family.

Lexa stayed secluded in her tempting fantasy world for the whole time back home. Once she had finally arrived she knew immediately they were both home from the cars parked in the drive. Her aunt and uncle had been retired for years so it wasn't much of a surprise, but Lexa dreaded it, all the same, knowing it would be even harder to confront them both together, but that it might be faster. Lexa willed herself to exit her car only to approach the front door and halted idle, trapped in hesitation. Even she wasn't sure how long she had been standing there, waiting for the courage to move only to be surprised by her uncle opening the front door.

Lexa made a poor attempt to pretend she had just been about to knock.

"Lexi!" He cried out happily unquestioning of the fact that Lexa had clearly been standing there for a long time. "Well, what brings you out to see us and the folks?"

"Hey uncle John." Lexa smiled.

"So hows my sister and your father?" He asked Lexa with a wide smile.

"I... actually didn't come down to see them just you and antie Indra." Lexa admitted.

"Well, what'd ya come down to see just us for?" John raised an eyebrow gesturing for Lexa to follow. "Come on let's grab the mail."

"Waiting on a package?"

"No. Just grabbing the mail. Indra and I are waiting on a reply from one of the charity foundations we are a part of. We need to make sure they got our donation."

"Oh really? New place!?" Lexa was aware of her aunt and uncle's charity work but didn't always know the particulars.

"No. I... One of our favorites actually. We... well it means a lot to Indra and I." He hesitated.

"Well. I'm sure it's a good cause." Lexa felt a tinge of doubt at her own words as she spoke them, fearful it wasn't, in fact, a good cause. What if this charity had something to do with the hell they had almost sent their own child to.

"So what's wrong kiddo?"

"Huh!?"

"You never come down without seeing your ma and pops less something is wrong." he glanced back to Lexa knowingly as he grabbed the mail.

Lexa watched him slip through the multiple envelopes until he found the one he had been looking for. Although she couldn't catch any of the writings on the letter, she was confounded by the rainbow stamp she noticed on the top right corner.

"You get the right one?"

"Lexa! How dare you come down here and not tell me!" Indra yelled with a wide smile from the open front door.

"Auntie!" Lexa smiled forgetting her reason for being where she was, simply recognizing her family member.

"Get your ass inside girl! It's too damn cold out here!" Indra shivered, waving them both inside.

"How are you Indra!" Lexa asked with a smile suppressing her queries for now.

"Oh well, I'd be a lot better if this bad little omega!" She grabbed John's ass as he entered through the door behind Lexa. "Would stop leaving the door open in the middle of winter!"

"Come now baby you know I'm just trying to get you to come warm me up." Her husband nudged back.

"You two..." Lexa shook her head and rolled her eyes.

"What about us little one?" Indra smiled.

"No boundaries. Not even in front of the kids."

"Oh please. You aren't a kid anymore." Indra contested.

"Fair, but still." Lexa groaned.

Sensing a lull John piped up. "Hey look! Indra it came." He flashed the envelope to his mate once more out of Lexa's view.

Her heart visibly sunk. "Yes. That's good news baby. I'm glad they got it." Indra nodded.

"It Should help them. Really." He took her hand in his.

"Yeah. I'm sure it will help… help them."

"Indra?" Lexa tilted her head concerned.

"You simply must eat! I! It is unacceptable that you gave us no notice! I wish I could have had even an hour's heads up in order to have something ready for when you arrived!" Indra deflected, rushing to the fridge and searching for something to cook.

"Indra please relax." John attempted to soothe his wife, but she had already pulled out salad fixings and a knife slicing tomatoes to form the first course.

"Indra I'm fine. I grabbed something on the way here for breakfast."

"Now that is so much worse!" Indra swung around, waving the knife in the air.

"Ok knife down love." John approached, pulling the sharp object away.

"It's ok. I swear. I don't need to eat Indra." Lexa laughed relaxing.

Indra huffed angrily.

John lowered his head for Indra, drawing her in to hug him, knowing it would soothe her to hold her omega.

"Better?"

"A little." Indra growled playfully earning a giggle from the other two.

"So Indra. Our little Lexi here has a problem."

"She does?" Indra looked at them both, their facial expressions explaining better than words could. "Well? Lexa? What is it that you couldn't go to your parents about?"

"I!" Lexa paused, caught off guard and unprepared for the conversation.

"What is it Lexi. You know you can talk to us. No matter what it is."

"Even if it's about that new mate of yours you havn't let us meet yet!" Indra teased.

"Huh!?"

"Oh please, you reek of an omega."

"Not to mention your new mating bite."

"I!" Lexa interjected.

"And... if I'm not mistaken!" Indra looked to her mate.

"That is a pregnant omega." John finished.

"You have a lot to fill us in on!"

"She isn't an omega!" Lexa rose her voice unintentionally.

"Ok, ok." John nodded not wanting to upset his niece.

"I'm so sorry I just thought from the scent she was an omega." Indra apologized immediately.

"I...I… Indra! John! We...we need to talk about him." Lexa finally brought herself to bring him up.

"About who Lexi?"

"John you know who." Indra hung her head low.

"I... I do not!"

"The same reason we write endless checks to your favorite charity! No matter how much we give it won't bring our son back!" Indra snapped.

"I… Illian..." John sighed his soul breaking all over again.

"You know... I thought I was the reason he did it... I thought it was my fault for not understanding him."

"Lexa!" Both her aunt and uncle went to hug her in unison, knowing her pain and hating that she had been under the same weight of guilt as them for so long.

"Stay away from me!" Lexa recoiled from them. "No! I know it was you two!"

"Yes, it was." John admitted as Indra collapsed. "We never understood till it was too late."

"We were supposed to protect him! Our sun! I failed him!" Indra cried from the floor.

"I…" Lexa saw the pain she once held on their faces, having never expected this reaction.

" We made the worst mistake a parent can Lexa. And I understand if you hate us for that." John knelt down next to Indra on the floor, stroking a hand over her back. "And if you want to yell or scream or whatever… I understand that too. But... please. Not in front of your Aunt. She... alphas don't take the loss of a child well. Not that anyone does. But… please. Just... if you need to yell and scream come back another time and I will gladly be your punching bag. Just not her. I can't lose her too." John pleaded.

"I... I'm so sorry." Lexa sighed, kneeling down with them.

"There is no redemption for what we've done." Indra shook on the floor.

"Ok. It's time to go to bed love." John instructed, knowing it would help her. "Please. Lexa help me pick her up to bed."

"Of course. I... I'm sorry John." Lexa picked Indra up on her own, holding her close. "I... I" Lexa tried and failed to find words as she attempted to discern her own feelings.

They took Indra to bed silently, and John tucked her in, kissing her forehead. Lexa wanted to speak. To say anything, to bridge the gap, but she had no knowledge of how. She watched and followed his cue as he sauntered somber from the room, clearly mourning all over again. Her uncle made his way directly to the fridge, removing two beers, then sitting at the kitchen table offering for Lexa to join him.

She hesitated, but she joined him, sitting across the table, looking to the beers as he offered one without a word.

Lexa shook her head softly finding her voice. "I'm driving soon. I... have an alpha I need to get home too."

"She treat you right?"

"Yeah." Lexa nodded. "I just hope I can do the same for her."

"You will. You always do. Never met anyone you didn't do right by."

"I can think of one person… but I'm not sure anyone really did right by him now." Lexa didn't mean for her words to be quite as pointed as they were.

"That… that's … fair." Her uncle nodded back.

"Fuck... I. Didn't mean it to come off that bad."

"Yes you did. And... I understand. We deserve it. Indra and I."

"I'm sorry."

"How'd you figure it out after all this time?" He lamented the idea of never having his niece look to him with … anything but pity and disdain again.

"My girlfriend. My alpha." Lexa paused. "She... mentioned to me that her mother once threatened to send her off. To a camp. A conversion camp. All because she isn't biologically an alpha."

"I'm so sorry. I... you must hate us."

"I don't hate you. I! I don't understand." Lexa looked down.

"Your aunt and I were terrible parents. So terrible we aren't parents anymore. We thought we were helping. But we weren't. I ended up having to cut my son's lifeless corpse down from his ceiling fan while his mother's heart broke."

"You weren't terrible parents." Lexa whispered.

"No? Well then we were ignorant beyond belief, we failed him. And now he is gone. It was our fault." He corrected, drinking his beer, exhausted with feeling for the day already.

"Please stop."

"Stop what?" He dropped his glass back upon the table.

"Beating yourselves up for this." Lexa sighed, having a hard time finding anything else to say.

"Lexa there is no stopping. My son would be alive if I had understood! If I hadn't been a close-minded!"

"Stop!" Lexa yelled.

John inhaled, winding up to counter, but forfeiting instead. "Fine."

"I don't understand! John… how... why! Since when have... since when were you two ever the type of people who would send your kid off to…" Lexa wanted to accuse him of horrible things, but decided against beating the battered man further.

"Losing our child changed us. You know that Lexa."

Lexa nodded softly remembering the nights she stayed at their home after he had passed, hearing them both sob from across the home, never sure of what to do, or how to comfort them. Then she recalled the guilt she felt, feeling as if it were her fault they were so broken, that if she had done something! anything different! Anything that could have saved him. "I understand."

"After he died we were angry. We were scared. And... we reached out, our church was how we found out about the camp... and for a while we stayed, hoping to find some solace in god, that maybe he was in a better place. And the rest of the congregation… were less than sympathetic. There are many wonderful churches in this world. But... we were not part of one. Some of the members told us it was a good thing. That the world was better without him." His face reflecting the horror he held knowing people like that we're still out there. "We left very shortly after. We never went back. Instead, we went to support groups, found others, who had made similar mistakes, others who had suffered like your aunt and I had. The letter we were awaiting. It was a confirmation that a local shelter for LGBT youths had received our yearly donation."

"I... well I understand a bit more." Lexa processed.

"Yeah."

"I was a little dumbfounded realizing that was your reaction to him but your reaction to hearing I was getting married to a girl was buying us a car as a wedding present." Lexa laughed awkwardly.

"Well... a lot changed for us. a lot. And...I'd Like to think we are better for it."

"And Indra?" Lexa looked up, scared to see the strong alpha female, her role model through her whole life, the woman Lexa had always aspired to be, break down like that.

"Like I said. Alphas… don't take the loss of a child well. Believe it or not, this is progress. She... she is a lot better when she isn't focusing on him. And... when the anniversary of his death was a matter of days ago."

"I... oh God... it... it was in late January..." Lexa sighed, almost guilty for forgetting.

"She always does a little worse this time of year. It's why she freaked out about you eating. She wants to take care of her child. She needs to protect someone who isn't there anymore, and it kills her."

"I'm sorry. That can't be easy on you." Lexa could see how it weighed on him.

"It isn't. But it is harder on her."

"How can I help."

"You can't Lexa."

"I..."

"Well... I know you have an alpha to get home to. I don't wanna keep you. And I assume you have the answers you were looking for." John stood from the table, not wishing to dwell on this any longer.

"I'm sorry. I will go. But. Let me say goodbye to Indra first." Lexa stood with him, unsure what else to say, she didn't really want to go, but she didn't want to overstay her waning welcome.

"Ok. Just. Be easy on her. Ok?"

"Of course." Lexa hugged her uncle knowing he could use any support he could get.

"Thank you Lexi."

Lexa made her way back to Indra, opening the cracked door to find her aunt still crying on the bed, softer now, but crying, all the same, curled up, holding a pillow Lexa recognized as one of Illian's. Lexa knew instantly Indra had taken it when he died, needing something to hold that smelled of her cub, wanting something to hold on to, something to trick her olfactory sense to think he was still there. It broke Lexa's heart when it processed that the pillow must have lost his scent years ago, that the last thing she had to trick herself he was still there was gone, but she still held to it desperately wishing to have something of him left.

"Indra?"

"I'm sorry." She answered, unmoving, voice weak.

"Indra." Lexa repeated, approaching the bed, hesitant and unsure of how to help her aunt.

"I did it to him. I made the choice. Did he tell you that? That he didn't want to. That I convinced him. That we needed to protect Illian!" Indra's self-loathing saturated her voice, holding tighter to the pillow, caressing it softly as she closed her eyes.

"No, he didn't. But … that is the past. We all made mistakes." Lexa tried to comfort Indra, laying a hand on her shoulder, Indra curling tighter into a ball, her back to Lexa still.

"You need to forgive yourself."

"There is no forgiving this!" Indra turned around to snap at Lexa.

"Yes, there is." Lexa laid onto the bed with her aunt hugging the hurting alpha. "I... I know it isn't the same, but I understand. I felt like I had failed Costia. Like it was my fault. I should have protected her more. Been better. Saved her somehow. But... just because we are alphas, doesn't mean we are perfect. We are flawed and we can't save everyone we care about." Lexa empathized.

"It isn't that easy Lexa."

"Nothing about it is easy." Lexa tucked her forehead into Indra's neck just as she had when she was a scared child. "But you aren't alone." Lexa threw back words Indra had comforted her with for decades.

"Lexa…" Indra held the child in her arms. "It isn't that simple."

"No, it isn't. And that's why John, my parents and I are all here for you. we all love you. And we are here."

Indra clutched to her, breathing through as she missed her child, but finding some semblance of comfort holding her niece. "Thank you Lexa."

Lexa stayed there with Indra for a long time, no longer worried of overstaying any welcome, only worried for her hurting aunt. She stayed there until Indra stopped crying and fell asleep, hoping it would do something to help the hurting mother. Once Indra finally calmed and fell to sleep Lexa returned to the living room to see her uncle passed out on the couch, five beers lined out in front of him, all empty. Sighing worried for him leaving a note before she headed home.

John and Indra,

I love you two so much. I hope you two are feeling better. Please don't keep punishing yourself. It takes more than one thing to push someone to what he did. And, I've learned as of late that people suffering what he was are already going through so much. This was not your fault. Forgive yourselves, and take care. Mom and dad will always be right down the street for you. If you need me, call me and I will come down.

Feel better you two.

Lexa left the note under one of the beer bottles before heading home, missing her alpha, needing to talk to her about the day's Revelations.

End of chapter 29

Chapter Text

Chapter 30

"O... Octavia?" Clarke asked, knocking on the door of the Alpha's room.

"Clarke?" Octavia questioned back, rushing to put on her exercise top before the impatient alpha opened the door.

"Can I come in?" Clarke asked.

"Yeah, I... just finished changing, yeah. uugh you know Raven is at school today right?" Octavia grabbed her bag, readying to go to work.

"I'm sorry! You're already headed off to work aren't you?" Clarke sighed holding the book to her chest as she entered the room.

"No, I mean yes, but don't worry I told my head manager I wouldn't be in till three, and even if I'm late he can hold down the fort. What's wrong?" Octavia spotted the confusion on Clarke's face.

"I... had some questions..."Clarke began. "I… uugh but how's your gym doing?"

"It's ok. We are doing well enough to hire a couple more employees, so that makes life a little easier. Plus, Lexa's place is even closer than my old one, so also nice. But. You look like you need to start asking those questions."

"I... I don't understand. Uugh. I don't know where to start."

"Well, Lexa … she made me promise not to see her differently after I read it. B... but I don't understand why?"

"Are you done with it yet?"

"Not quite. I... it just feels like there is another shoe that is about to drop and I'm worried and confused and anxious, and craving pickles."

"Aka you are pregnant and reading your Alpha's book?"

"Accurate." Clarke confirmed.

"You know we have pickles in the fridge right?"

"I! We do!? Yay! But, not entirely the point. Lexa, she seemed almost ashamed when she asked me not to see her differently." Clarke explained trying to understand.

"I could see that." Octavia frowned slightly thinking back.

"Why? I... I'm about halfway through and it feels like she is about to find out about her girlfriend's self-harm. Wait, did Lexa self-harm and I just don't know about it? I would never judge her for that. I knew about the suicide attempt, but it sounded like an isolated incident." Clarke theorized.

"No. That wasn't Lexa. But. She was drawing that inspiration from someone very close to her." Octavia answered.

"So then… why? What is it that she is ashamed of?" Clarke pressed.

"You are really close… umm look it is fiction. And none of the characters are fax similes of real people. But, Lexa certainly drew greatly from personal experience and mistakes. And, I was there, when, when it happened, and I will admit it wasn't quite as bad as the book. But. It wasn't great. And certainly not Lexa's most shining behavioral achievement."

"Octavia! I don't understand!" Clarke followed up, confused by Octavia's vagueness.

"I'm sorry Clarke. But. This is something you are probably just better off reading to understand. If you need me I will have my phone on me in between personal training sessions, and I will get back to you when I can. I'm sorry. I wish I could explain better, but it isn't my story to tell." Octavia apologized.

"No don't be. It's ok. I understand. I will try to catch up with you later. I'm sorry I held you up Octavia." Clarke stepped out of the way, allowing Octavia to pass.

"Look. Lexa learns from her mistakes. Just. Remember that ok?"

"Ok. I will" Clarke agreed before returning to her bed for comfortable reading while being able to be surrounded by the scent of her strong alpha.

Clarke, however, hesitated to reopen the novel at first, fearful of what she might find, never wanting to think less of the woman she loved, her alpha, the mother of their unborn child. She contemplated her options, rubbing her belly softly, conflicted about the soft bump residing within her. Caught between the instinctual adoration, the primal love, and even her logical understanding that it was her child, something she had wanted for so long, a cub to raise, to love. But when opposed to the disdainful clothing of her anatomy unrelenting in how it reminded her that she was in no way who she wanted to be, that she is still so far from what she truly was, who she truly is.

Lexa eagerly scaled the stairs to her apartment, eager to see her mate. She rushed in, opening her door, dropping her keys and bag on the kitchen table, kicking off her shoes as she approached her and Clarke's room, catching the omega's scent, craving to hold and cuddle the alpha. Lexa arrived at the door, swinging it open to find her mate crying in the bed, holding the book to her chest, the novel clearly covered in tear stains.

"Clarke!" Lexa called, leaping to the side of the bed.

"Lexa?" Clarke sniffled surprised by her Alpha's sudden appearance.

"Baby! What's wrong!"

"She... she died…" Clarke cried harder.

"Oh, baby. I know she dies in there but it's just fiction." Lexa comforted.

"No! I'm talking about Costia!" Clarke corrected.

"I... Clarke, that isn't how Costia died, you know that."

"I know that Lexa!" Clarke retaliated, insecure.

"Clarke…" Lexa sighed, hugging her mate.

"She is gone Lexa."

"I know. I miss her. But what is wrong baby?"

"That someone… had a life like that. That she …"

"What do you know of the life she had?" Lexa recoiled.

"Octavia told me. I... at first I thought she was based on you but she explained she was based on 'someone else close to you' and I know it was Costia." Clarke explained, tears slowing.

"I... Clarke..." Lexa relaxed, caressing Clarke's cheek, wiping away tears.

"She... had a life like that... and then it just ended. Nothing. I… what if that... what if that is the type of life our baby has... that is no type of life! How! How is that right! How is that fair! How does that happen!" The sobs came hard and heavy between broken words, fear consuming Clark, worried for their cub.

"No. No. No. Our child won't have a life like that. I promise. I won't let that happen. You won't let it happen. We won't."

"You can't promise that!"

"Yes, I can. Because we will be amazing parents. Because we will take care of this little one. Like my parents did me."

"Huh yeah having you spend so much time with transphobic fucks like your aunt and uncle?"

"For your information, they are actually noteworthy donors to a nonprofit housing and feeding disenfranchised and homeless LGB and T youths." Lexa sat up in the bed, unexcited about allowing Clarke to put them down.

"I... what!?" Clarke paused. "Well! Nothing makes up for what they've done." Clarke denied, cold, remembering the last time she had spoken with her own mother.

"Yes, it does." Lexa's tone unwavering and impatient.

"Nothing makes up for that. Nothing."

"They were never anything but wonderful to me. And I won't have you degrading my parents or my aunt and uncle."

"I... I'm sorry." Clarke stepped down.

"I love you. But really. Our child will be ok. They won't have the life that she had."

"Costia or …" Clarke trailed off.

"Well given that Costia is the only of the two options that really exists, then yes Costia." Lexa smiled softly to signal everything was ok.

"I... just..."

"And. It's worth mentioning. Her life wasn't all bad. Yes, the character in my novel was based off of her. And... my novel was an apology to her. For how I acted when I found out about her struggles. I didn't have the money for a ring, so I did what I knew, I wrote, and I tried to make her know how guilty I felt, and that I understood her, her pain, what she was going through, and that if I wasn't careful I would lose her for good. And although I did lose her one day. After the night I gave her this novel we spent six wonderful years together. "Lexa took Clarke's hand in hers." She was happy, I was happy, we were so happy. That book, it isn't her story. Because her story didn't end there. She and I fell in love, got married. And yes one day she did die. But, I... I know she was happy." Lexa explained.

"Ok..." Clarke nodded scared, worried for her child. "I love you. I'm sorry for insulting your parents or your aunt and uncle... I... just."

" I know baby, I know. But I'm here. And you are safe. No one can send you to one of those places. No one. Not even her."

"I love you." Clarke launched from her spot on the bed into Lexa, hugging and clinging to her with everything she had.

"And you my strong alpha will help me protect our beautiful little one. Ok?"

"Ok." Clarke whimpered.

"It is ok. And they will be ok." Lexa pressed a warm hand against Clarke's belly.

"They like that." Clarke hummed.

"They do?"

"Yeah. And I do too."

"I'm glad... I... uugh... so, ummm. Did you like it?"

"I just said I liked it."

"No... The book!" Lexa corrected.

"I... yeah totally loved it, ya know in the same way I love being slapped and spanked. Jesus Christ, it's painful to read!" Clarke shook her head.

"Well... I don't know about slapped, but every time I've spanked you, you loved it." Lexa growled, kissing Clarke.

"I told you I loved it…" Clarke blushed.

"Yeah? Well, my masochistic alpha is about to get something else she loves!"

End of chapter 30

Chapter Text

Chapter 31

"Welcome welcome. I'm glad you all have made it!" Nyko stood at a podium with a large circle of chairs in front of her.

Some stray clapping echoed her introduction. "I'm very glad to see so many familiar faces, and I'm even happier to see the new one. Clarke! Please introduce yourself and your pronouns."

Clarke looked around, momentarily terrified as eagre eyes encroached on her. "Oh fuck" she sighed standing. "Hi! I'm Clarke Griffin. I... my pronouns? A...are she her, but I am a trans alpha." The room gave soft and kind nods welcoming Clarke.

"Thank you Clarke. Sorry for putting you on the spot like that." Nyko apologized. "Now. In honor of the new member, I'd Like to have those of us who have begun, finished, or even just have plans for transition to speak. To familiarize us all with the possible options, and what risks or headaches might be associated with them. Angela?" Nyko called her out first, knowing her story and hoping it would help Clarke.

"Yes! Well, I am Angela! Good to see everyone back, and great to meet you Clarke. Umm! So! I am cisgender, but I am transdynamic. I presented, pretty late, when I turned 17. By that time, I already knew who I was, who I wanted to be, a proud strong alpha woman. But when I presented with my first heat… it was terrible, and it hit me hard, I don't know if something was wrong and it delayed my first heat, or if it is just always that strong the first time around. But … I felt like I had been battered with a golf club, everything in me felt broken and sore... most of all my pride and... well my sense of self, my self-worth. I always figured I was a late bloomer, it isn't unheard of for secondary puberty to hit as late as 21 or even 25 in some rarer cases. But... when I presented and it wasn't as the alpha I always believed myself to be. I couldn't leave bed. I couldn't do anything. I just curled up and cried as the hormones and ache wrecked me. But! I was lucky. I had an incredible understanding family. They saved my life, giving me the opportunity to change things, to not feel helpless. My omega father had a friend when he was younger, a Friend in a similar situation to me. My parents reached out on my behalf. And... that is how I met the wonderful Nyko. She … well, she showed me very early on that I didn't have to stay in the position I was in for long. Because I wasn't 18 yet I couldn't get anything significant done for a year, but Nyko quickly got me on blockers, they stopped my heats, made me... feel almost normal, not… not myself. But... not this needy aching weakling. Now let me be clear! That isn't how I see omegas. I love omegas! I... it's... it's just how I felt when I had to endure the few heats I did. But... that was gone. And everything was a lot better. Not to say that it was perfect, being on the blockers killed my sex drive, I had zero interest in anything sexual, and my emotions were... different. Admittedly some of this is just due to the situation. But mostly it was the hormone blockers. Finally, once I turned 18, Nyko explained to my family and I that I had a choice, that I could continue as I had been or I could have a surgery, and supplemental hormones. The surgery removed my uterus and ovaries followed by hormones... so... sadly, I will never be able to have children. But that was a concession I am happy to make for what came in return. After the surgery, things took a while to get more or less back to normal, for me to be back on my feet and all, it is a big surgery, and a noteworthy risk. But... I survived, despite a couple minor complications. And, now I am healthy, healthier than I have ever been before, honestly. The hormones worked better than we expected, and due to the nature of alpha beta omega Dynamics, the hormones jump-started my system, and without my omega parts… I actually have regular ruts, powerful ruts, perfect ruts that, oh God... I have never felt more myself than when in a rut. And... I can never thank Nyko enough for all her help. She is the reason my family knew what to do, and how to help. And... a couple years ago I asked what I could do in return, and she asked me to help her make this group, to come and tell my story, to help her help others." Angela's prepped words came from the heart canned or not.

"Thank you so much Angela., Next?" Nyko offered gesturing to another of the members.

"Hi... well. My name is Anna. I've never heavily identified with either alpha not omega, and I to bloomed late. I never cared till... well till, ya know. And my presentation was never anything I was super excited about, I always just hoped I would be a beta. Honestly, Angela is a lot better at this whole thing, and she has rehearsed a lot more than me. I went through the same blockers treatment that she had when she was younger, but I stopped there, never had anything else done. And... well I'm happy too. It has done what I need, allowed me to be … well me. My side effects have more or less been the same, I still have a monthly cycle, once a week I get a little hot under the collar, I actually have a sex drive, and my clit swells a little more than is normal, happily neither." Anna explained reserved.

"Thank you! And finally." Nyko gesturing to the quiet woman looking down and away from a wheelchair, clearly careful as she considered what to say.

"It's good to meet you Clarke. I... uugh, I'm afraid to say it, but I'm pretty sure I'm here to be the warning story." She opened.

"I..." Clarke wanted to respond, but couldn't find the words, unsure of how to reply.

"It's ok. I know. It can be hard to reply to that… well, those two, they were smart, went through the official channels and all, through her." The woman gestured to Nyko. "And she is wonderful. If you have her. If you are completely unaware she exists… as I'm sure you all know, not having any solutions can be... taxing, terrifying, and … Even lead you to making drastic decisions."

"Y, yeah." Clarke agreed timidly, a couple nods coming from people across the room.

"I took heat suppressants for years, doubled, even tripled my doses, lied to doctors, stole my friend's suppressants, even my brother's. I did everything I could to just try to get it all to stop! To stop feeling like this foreign person, this person who isn't me! Someone I don't know! So... when I heard there were some back alley channels, ways to get it all to stop, to finally stop! I... well I jumped at the chance, I didn't care about the costs... I took every dime I had... and... well... when I woke, it was gone... and I couldn't move my legs. I woke in the hospital, thank God. The person cutting into me had the sense to take me there when they realized they fucked up. So... I'm alive, but … I still have my heats, they didn't fix that, but... what they did do took its toll." She ran her hands up and down numb legs.

"I... fuck... I... I'm so sorry..." Clarke tried to comfort the woman.

"It's ok... it's been a while. And... Nyko is looking into blockers for me to help." She dismissed.

"I... ok." Clarke replied unconfident.

"On that note, I'd like to pipe in." Nyko capitalized on the silences. "I'd like to admit my true reason why I am adamant about inviting you, and honestly everyone I meet who has had our particular set of personal experiences. There have been more and more stories of people going through... less than ideal and secure means to transition. And... honestly I'm scared, I'm scared for us, our kind. Who here knows someone who has been hurt or killed by improper, unlicensed hormone treatment or surgeries?" Hands flew up as heads dropped, mournful, lamenting lost friends.

"H... how have I almost never heard of this!?" Clarke questioned angrily.

"Not many people know or understand trans people or their issues, wouldn't know a seizure from improperly administered hormones, over-consumption of suppressants, or a drug overdose. And the botched surgeries… police have no idea what was going on if they find the mutilated bodies. And …When someone survives it..."

"Like I said. I woke up in the hospital, the people who did this didn't leave a contact number. And... no one cared, got written off as a robbery." The woman in the wheelchair interrupted.

"Exactly... so please. If you are going to do something, go through safe and known channels. I don't care if you use or don't use me. My business will survive one way or the other. But I care about all of you." Nyko hammered home.

"Thank you" Clarke nodded, the whole of the situation still falling upon her. She stayed for the rest of the hour-long meeting, silent, unsure what to do or say as she heard the muted voices chatter on, collaborating on conflicts, and their resolutions.

"How was your meeting?" Lexa asked, seeing Clarke already outside awaiting her mate.

"I... informative. T... tough tho." Clarke nodded softly.

"You ok?"

"I need to start treatment with Nyko as soon as I'm recovered from birth. Ok?" Clarke requested, eyes fearful.

"Treatment?"

"Transition. I... there is apparently a way... for me to be myself. I... I don't wanna wait another day more than I have to."

"Of course my love. We will figure this out, out together."

"Thank you."

"Of course." Lexa agreed.

"How was your meeting tho?"

"No Octavia there is no point! We are just here for Clarke's meeting!" Lexa disagreed.

"Oh come on, she said she could do hers alone, she even requested you let her do this first one solo. You aren't doing alright and I know it!"

"That didn't mean that I have to go back to the loss and grieving meetings again."

"I said nothing about meetings, I just said the one. And we don't have to stay for the whole thing, we can leave when Clarke's meeting gets out." Octavia pressed.

"O! I... I just don't know that I need that right now, to bring up more memories."

"It isn't just bringing up memories, it's working through them. It's processing. That's the point."

"I... I don't know" Lexa swayed.

"Yes you do, you just don't wanna do it cause you know it's hard. Plus it's gonna start any minute now!"

"Fine. Guess I have to, given the luck that it's right by Clarke's meetings and at the same time." Lexa allowed.

"Yes! Now come on!" O pulled Lexa towards the familiar meeting hall and picking two empty seats for them.

"So demanding, how does Raven live with you?" Lexa teased as the group began to form.

"Well, she has learned to obey, unlike someone." Octavia glared. "But you came, your learning."

"Grr! Like you wouldn't do anything she asked of you!" Lexa countered.

"Fair point."

"Cachao" Lexa mimicked a whip.

"Oh, and you and Clarke aren't the same way for each other?"

"True."

"Just how us alphas are. We want our mate happy." Octavia concluded.

"You think she is happy?" Lexa pondered.

"She who?"

"Clarke."

"Well... she loves you."

"We both know that isn't the same as being happy." Lexa shook her head.

"Just because Costia wasn't happy doesn't mean you didn't make her so much happier." Octavia offered a supportive hand.

"Why did you never tell me? Tell me what she was going through."

"You know why, they weren't my secrets to tell."

"I know… I..."

"Thank you all for returning!" The group's leader introduced overriding Lexa as she went to talk.

"Bring it up in the group. Shut up for now" Octavia smiled wide, eager to have Lexa work through her issues.

"Today's topic is forgiveness, for yourself, or the ones you've lost!"

"Oooh! Oooh! Oooh! Lexa can share!" Octavia cheered.

"Fuck you!" Lexa growled.

"Yes! I'd love to hear from Lexa, I could swear it's been months since you've been here, how have you been?" The leader perked up.

"Hey! I'm Lexa. And, my wife died, two years or so ago. I loved her. And... recently I've entered a new relationship, even bonded, found a new mate. And... the guilt, the grief, it's getting to me. I... uugh... so... I've been seeing her... in the corners of my eyes. Thinking it's her shadow behind me. I... it..." Lexa lost the words.

"You feel like she is watching over you, but not in a good way?" Octavia asked.

"I loved her. And if she is watching over me, I know she would be happy, and proud. And... that's how I know it's just my fears, that it's just in my head. Because... if it were her, I wouldn't feel like I'm being judged, like I have to impress the visage of her that haunts me! Every day and night!"

"Lexa..." Octavia sighed.

"How can we support you?" one of the members spoke up worriedly.

"I... I... I don't know."

"How was it?" Clarke repeated.

"Oh? Yeah. I messaged you about my group while you were in there didn't I?" Lexa recalled, pulling herself back from thoughts the meeting brought up.

"Yeah. It's how I knew to meet you over here." Clarke reminded. "So how was it."

"Oh. It was great. Really processed some stuff." Lexa lied.

"Good to hear baby!" Clarke smiled.

"Y'all ready to go home!?" Octavia cheered closing the door to the meeting room behind her, the final person to exit the meeting.

"Yeah let's go!" Clarke agreed, holding Lexa close and pulling her away, towards the car as they headed homeward.

End of chapter 31

Chapter Text

Chapter 32

"So how is the new novel going?" Clarke asked, pulling her reading glasses off as Lexa entered the bedroom.

"Oh so rabid to read more of my work you've resorted to … post 20th-century cubism?"

"Its an assignment for class." Clarke defended, putting the text down.

"I figured." Lexa smiled.

"But... yes. I would really like to read more of your work." Clarke admitted.

"You liked the first novel?"

"Well yeah, ya know, except for the whole bawling my eyes out because of how hard the end was to read." Clarke glared teasingly.

"I'm glad you enjoyed love." Lexa pulled back the sheets, slipping into bed next to Clarke.

"How much do you have written up?"

"Hmm well, actually a lot of stuff. But not much is finalized yet." Lexa answered.

"And? What's this one about?" Clarke moved closer to Lexa.

"Well, if the last one was about how Costia could have died, this one will be about how she could have lived." Lexa poised the description.

"So? How could she have lived?" Clarke continued eager for more.

"Well you'll have to read to find out won't you?" Lexa kissed her alpha gently, the punctuation on her teasing.

Clarke growled frustrated. "Not fair! How long will it take for you to finish it!?"

"Finish it!? How long did it take you to make your biggest and most detailed painting?" Lexa retorted.

"I dono, a long time?"

"It's a book, not a three-page short story baby, it will be a while till it is finished. But, I am working on a first draft. You know, rough story ideas, and such."

"Ok... but do I get to be the first person to read it?" Clarke requested, cuddling up to Lexa.

"My girl ok?"

"Uugh don't call me that!" Clarke glowered.

"What my alpha doesn't wanna be teased today."

"I mean it Lexa." Clarke shut her out.

"Woah. Clarke? What's wrong?"

"I..."

"Clarke?" Lexa's tone softened completely, her head lowering, looking for forgiveness from her alpha.

"I'm sorry."

"No. I'm sorry. I... is it an issue when I tease you like that? I... I thought you liked it on occasion." Lexa apologized looking down in guilt.

"I... I do." Clarke huffed, slipping a finger under Lexa's chin, lifting the Alpha's head. "I do Lexa I swear."

"I... I don't understand then..."

"It's… it's just gender and my choices, and what I'm gonna do are weighing pretty heavy on my mind ever since the support group. And... right now... being called that, even teasingly sounds… patronizing."

"I'm so sorry. I never mean it that way."

"I know my love. Don't worry." Clarke comforted, caressing Lexa's cheek.

"Ok... how can I help?"

"I love you, but you can't." Clarke answered. "This is just me feeling... uncomfortable in my own body, just give me love and time. Ok?"

"Of course. I... so... what type of love do you mean by that?" Lexa winked, able to smell the dampness between Clarke's thighs.

"I love you, but horny or not, I'm tired, and not up for much energy expenditure." Clarke disagreed.

"Who said you had to exert any energy. Hell go back to reading your book for class, I wanna be a good girl and pleasure my alpha." Lexa slid a hand onto Clarke's side.

"I... could really go for the relaxation of …"Clarke trailed off, spreading her legs slightly, wiggling eager hips.

"And I could really go for the opportunity to taste and pleasure my alpha." Lexa agreed, slinking further down the overly large bed, positioning herself between Clarke's legs and slowly pulling down the sheets.

Clarke let free a soft whimper hastily covered by an angry growl. Her cheeks burned embarrassed as her heart raged against her uncontrolled instincts.

"It's ok" Lexa offered. "I make desperate noises for you too don't I?"

"I! That isn't the same!"

"Why not?"

"Because I love it when you make those noises for me." Clarke argued.

"And you think I don't love it?"

"I! Well!" Clarke hesitated, growing antsy as a familiar ache grew.

"I know. I do. Remember. I'm an alpha too. And I understand how it can be scary to submit. And I know it isn't the same for us. But I'm here for you, and nothing you do will ever make me see you as any less than the alpha you are." Lexa offered.

"I love you Lexa." Clarke thanked, running a hand through her mate's hair then down and across her cheek, a gentle caress of appreciation.

"Now..." Lexa purred into the hand. "Would you do me a favor and take off your panties before you demand I devour your pussy like a good girl." Lexa requested.

"Ohh? I like that plan. Does my Lexa like the idea of being a good girl for her alpha? To have me call you a good girl as I fight to find my breath from your tongue at my clit?"

"Please!" The thought had Lexa drenched in a matter of moments, craving to taste her pregnant alpha, serve and please her as she was praised.

"Such a good girl, so eager for me." Clarke laid back, raising her hips as she pulled down panties, raising her legs and slipping them off, tossing them to the laundry bin, knowing they were already ruined.

"Of course I'm eager for my alpha" Lexa purred back, kissing and sucking at Clarke's inner thigh, slowly working her way up towards Clarke's core.

"No no no. No teasing your alpha. It's time for your dinner." Clarke smiled wide overly amused with herself when she heard the alpha between her legs whimper craving more.

"But... but!"

"No! Your alpha said no. Now, eat, be a good girl." Clarke ordered, pulling Lexa's lips closer.

"Yes... my alpha." Lexa growled contesting for a moment before obeying. She moved in closer, breathing in her Alpha's scent, feeling the odor even sweeter, knowing it was most likely due to the pregnancy. It was calling to the alpha, begging for love, support and care. "I'm here for you, you know." Lexa softened.

"Please stop talking or get out from between my legs!" Clarke snapped, detecting the tone of worried care.

"Ok baby." Lexa sighed, taking Clarke's thighs and resting them on her shoulders, wrapping her arms around Clarke, and quickly beginning her work. Lexa began with soft licks, tongue probing folds, spreading them slightly as she did. Her distinct intentional strokes designed to warm the alpha up, kissing at the tender flesh intermittently.

Clarke's breaths became heavy, the slower strokes, tantric in how they built her arousal, driving her up a wall, her body heating easily as her core tensed.

Lexa took her cues from how Clarke's body reacted for her, moistening, slick coating her pinkness as Lexa lapped it up.

She sped up as she noticed Clarke's breaths becoming shorter, heavy, desperate grasps at the air that seemed to fly from the Alpha's lungs.

"Good?" Lexa teased.

"I!" Clarke fidgeted, not pleased by the tone, taking it as a patronizing gesture instead of the loving one it was intended as. "Just keep licking. Uugh. F... focus on my clit." Clarke requested.

"Of course baby, as you wish." Lexa bowed her head back down, making quick work, sucking and lapping at Clarke's clit.

Clarke fidgeted uncomfortable at the alpha on her, licking her up, trying her best to please the alpha who didn't truly feel like being pleased.

Lexa mistook the belabored groans of her alpha for those of delight and pleasure, focusing on the clit at her lips even as hips shifted under her.

Clarke felt so exposed, so vulnerable, weak and helpless under Lexa's mouth. And worst of all her body refused to stop reacting, her heart raced more and more, her core still soaking itself only to be sopped up and drunken down by Lexa. The more Lexa devoured her the worse Clarke felt, everything simply wrong and worsening, but she didn't know how to speak up. Clarke wanted to say no, to demand Lexa stop and get off of her, but she didn't know how. The words weren't there, she simply didn't have them to say.

"I love you Clarke. My strong alpha." Lexa tried to amuse the alpha she thought was enjoying, thinking they would be ideal words to help push Clarke over the edge with.

Clarke screamed out, her body climaxing despite her complete lack of interest in such an experience. Her howl broken up by the mix of emotions, taunted and clearly pained as the instinctual praise turned to a plea for help.

"Clarke!?" Lexa lifted lips from trembling hips, finally aware of how displeased her mate was.

"Get! Get off of me!" Clarke ordered. Pulling the blankets over herself, sitting straight up in the bed.

"Clarke, what happened?"

"I! Just stay away from me Lexa!" Clarke demanded backing away herself.

"Clarke… What did I do?" Lexa pleaded scared and worried.

"I! Fuck!"

"Clarke."

"I'm sorry! I, I, my body... I... I don't feel right at the moment ok?" Clarke tried to explain.

"I. But you... I'm sorry. You could have said something sooner." Lexa defended.

"I'm sorry, I tried, I couldn't." Clarke began to cry.

"Baby?" Lexa moved closer.

"I... just! I just want you to! Stay away from me!" the words couldn't be farther from the truth, and they burned and stung the whole way from Clarke's lips to Lexa's ears, tearing apart both of their hearts.

The words broke Lexa, the only reason why she could bring herself to move was her wanting to respect Clarke's wishes above all else. "I! Ok then. I... I will sleep out on the couch tonight. You are welcome to the bed. I'm sorry Clarke." Lexa's head dropped, feeling the seriousness in Clarke's voice, not wishing to push, or seem an overbearing alpha trying to care for an omega. She stepped back, slipping off the bed as Clarke cried harder.

"T... thank you. I'm sorry." Clarke whimpered, finding a corner of the bed, curling up in it, shamefully confused, hating, and angry with herself, feeling weak.

"Again! are you kidding me!" Octavia questioned, entering the living room, forming a familiar tableau.

"Shut the fuck up Octavia! I don't have patience for your shit today!" Raven shot back a playful look.

"Calm down!" Octavia retorted, hot-headed in her rut.

Lexa's posture grew angry and defensive, growls cracking like thunder from her throat.

"Woah! Lexi!" Octavia teased hoping the patronizing joke of a nickname would break her friend from the alpha anger.

Breaking Lexa from her anger was the last thing the name did, she broke out in Furious roars, and barks of contention.

"Hey? Hey? I'm sorry. Calm down ok?" Octavia apologized, stepping down.

"I..." Lexa's growls slowed.

"Octavia? Where the hell are my shirt and bra?" Raven turned the corner exiting the hallway that lead to her and her Alpha's room, wearing nothing but thin panties that only served to depict how soaked she was in her heat, her Alpha's seed evidently slipping down the inside of her thighs.

"Raven!" Octavia went bright red for a half moment realizing how little her omega must be wearing.

"Oh God! Raven!" Lexa averted her eyes, her logic coming to her senses.

The almost entirely unclothed omega yelped loud and scared, embarrassed as she realized more than just her alpha rested in the living room. "Fuck! Lexa, I'm so sorry! I!" Raven tried desperately to cover herself finding an insolvable issue of too much body too little hands to cover herself.

"Grrr! Mine!" Octavia bolted, covering Raven with her body, wrapping the omega up in a hug, her back to Lexa.

"I... thanks baby." Raven blushed even more.

Octavia continued growling deeply, sniffing along Raven's neck, scenting and claiming the omega as a public demonstration of ownership.

"Woah… calm down baby it's ok. Lexa has a mate." Raven tried to calm her alpha who might as well have just ignored her every word.

"Mine."

"Yes yes, yours." Raven agreed giggling. "Lexa... uuugh... is... is my bra or shirt on the couch?" Raven paused awkwardly." And my pants?"

"Huh? Why would your clothes be on the couch?" Lexa questioned not understanding.

"Well uugh..."

"What?"

"Octavia and I…" Raven patted her Alpha's back looking to calm her.

"Jesus! I sleep here!" Lexa jumped from the couch.

"Wait? What!? Why? Since when do you sleep out here!?"

"It's not an everyday thing!" Lexa defended.

"You mean every night." Octavia teased.

"Oh! Shut the hell up!" Lexa threw a pillow from the couch at her friend.

"Glad to have you back with us." Raven smiled and kissed her alpha.

"Oh come now, don't pretend you don't love when I sent you like that."

"Stop you!" Raven giggled before changing the subject. "Really Lexa I know I lost my clothes on the couch!"

"No, not here, I noticed the couch was a mess when I came out here and cleaned it. But I didn't see any such explicit signs that you two had been going at it on the couch like that." Lexa answered.

"Uugh fuck fine! I'm gonna go get some clothes then!" Raven sighed frustrated.

"Good girl, love you." Octavia patted her on the back as she covered the omega from accidentally wandering eyes. "So. What happened this time." Octavia turned as Raven left the sight of her friend.

"I wish I knew... Clarke… just freaked out. I. Don't quite understand what I did wrong."

"I... I'm sorry hun. That sounds rough. Wonder if that's how she felt after you snapped at her over the thing with the doc you thought she liked." Octavia offered clearly trying to make a point.

"I! It isn't the same!" Lexa deflected.

"I dono. Just remember that back then you felt horrible and didn't know how to talk to your mate and explain."

Lexa growled standing. "I hate you."

"Love you too friendo!"

"Sanitize my couch!" Lexa screamed, heading back to her room, knocking timid on the door.

"Huh?" Clarke jumped, rushing to the door from where she had been laying crying, trying to sleep.

"Baby? It's me" Lexa called from the other side of the door.

"Lexa..." Clarke went to open the door but held herself back.

"Can I come in?"

"Of course Lexa. It's your room." Clarke whimpered.

"Didn't stop you from kicking me out earlier." Lexa tried to make light of the situation.

"I'm sorry Lexa."

"It's ok. I love you." Lexa offered, opening the door slowly.

Clarke launched, hopping on to Lexa, clinging tight to her, it evident and then some that she had been crying heavily.

"Baby?" Lexa paused.

"Lexa..." Clarke sniffed, arms and legs wrapped around Lexa.

"There there love." Lexa soothed. "What is it baby."

"I! I! I!" Clarke stammered

"It's ok. You are safe."

"I can't fight it right now! No matter how much I hate it! I want you to take care of me right now! I wanna cuddle and have you hold me and kiss me and tell me your pup's and I will be ok! And I hate it! I feel so weak!"

"Shhh. Shhh shhh. It's ok that's ok. You aren't weak in the slightest. I crave that of you too sometimes."

"It isn't just wanting those things, it is how much I want them as an omega! I know these cravings! I took the suppressants to help with them but I can't do that anymore with this damn thing!" Clarke growled at her own belly.

"I know. I'm sorry. I... but please understand. It takes a stronger alpha to admit their needs and ask than it does for an alpha to just hide like this." Lexa tried to help.

"I... I... I need you Lexa." Clarke admitted.

"I need you too. I... I got really scared when you got so mad." Lexa pulled back slightly, revealing her tears.

"I'm sorry Lexa!" Clarke's instincts kicked into protect mode, releasing Lexa and dropping her feet to the floor, immediately going to wipe away Lexa's tears, kissing the Alpha's cheek. "I... I wasn't mad at you. I was mad at myself, at my body and how I was feeling. How weak I was in the position I was in. I'm sorry Lexa. I love you." Clarke rambled, eager to soothe her mate.

"I love you. It's ok. Now. Please. Can we go to bed?" Lexa requested.

"Of course baby. I love you." Clarke agreed.

"Thanks love."

End of chapter 32

Chapter Text

Chapter 33

Lexa woke slowly the next morning, stirring soft, feeling the plush pillow under her cheek, coated in the scent of her alpha, purring gently into it, the scent of her pregnant mate divine. She knew it was just a biological adaptation to find the odor of her pregnant lover so perfect, intoxicating in its own unique nuances. It made Lexa moan as she breathed it in, her eyes still sealed shut, nothing else but Clarke's pillow coated in her scent mattering to the alpha.

She stayed there, making borderline pornographic noises into the pillow until her craving for the alpha became too much, she needed her mate, her core drenched, tight, and get clit overly swollen. She reached out in the bed, opening her eyes opening slowly.

"Clarke?" Lexa questioned slightly scared, not seeing the alpha in the bed. She spun round in circles I. The bed, searching the room for the alpha, finding no sign of her mate.

Lexa lept from the bed, sprinting out to the kitchen in search for her mate.

"Hey, Lexa?" Octavia teased, Raven blushing next to her embarrassed from the previous night.

"Hi" Raven echoed.

"Have you seen my jacket? I leave it on the hook by the door, and I can't find it." Octavia pouted.

"Where is she!?" Lexa ignored.

"Who?" Raven spoke up.

"Her mate, of course, an alpha only ever gets that look when she is searching for her mate." Octavia answered for Raven.

"Oh... yeah that makes sense." Raven nodded, cuddling up to Octavia, craving the contact still in her heat. The cravings she experienced we're still a whole new world for her, completely removed from suppressants and being so close to her bonded mate had completely changed the nature of her heat, from a fun treat to spend with Octavia or a painful thudding in her core if she was alone to a wondrous ache and pleasure she lost herself to each time Octavia fucked and knotted or even held her.

"Hello! Where is she!" Lexa broke the daydream Octavia and Raven shared laying against each other.

"I... don't know." Raven shrugged, cuddling closer to O.

"She isn't in your room? I've been out here for a couple hours. I made breakfast pretty early, and Raven got up a bit after it was finished, and I haven't left since, so I just figured she was in your room." Octavia added.

"CLARKE!" Lexa screamed scared.

"Woah. Woah. Calm down hun I'm sure she is here or that she will be back soon." Raven tried to calm the alpha.

"Hey! Was she home last night when you went back to bed?"

"Y... yes..." Lexa sniffed the air looking for Clarke.

"Ok, did you check your study? Maybe she wanted to do some reading this morning? You have a whole library in there, it is not impossible she wanted to do some reading." Octavia offered, flashing her newspaper.

"I..." Lexa didn't follow up with any other words before heading off to her study.

"Ya know... I... I don't think you were right." Raven spoke up in Octavia's arms.

"I mean I'm not quite sure she is in the study, but it feels like a really logical answer." O shrugged.

"No. Not that. Not at all." Raven shook her head.

"What do you mean then hun?"

"I mean... that was no alpha looking for her mate. I mean it was, but that isn't why Lexa was so upset." Raven explained, somewhat surprised by her own conclusion.

"Well? If it that wasn't why she was scared then why?"

"That was a woman desperate for her alpha, scared and needy for her mate."

"Why do you think?" Octavia cocked her head trying to process the idea.

"Think of it this way, if you couldn't find me, would you ask around scared, and needing me, or would you murder everyone who stood between you and I."

"I... fuck... your right..." Octavia processed before giggling. "I am gonna give her so much shit once she has her alpha."

"Bad girl!" Raven swatted the Alpha's nose. "Don't you dare."

"Ooow!" O cried out facetiously in pain.

"Don't. Really. They love each other, and they both have issues with how much they need each other. They are both ashamed of submitting and craving their mate. So don't you dare fuck with them it will really get into their heads way too easily." Raven protected her friends as best she could.

"I... never thought of it that way." Octavia admitted.

"I know. I wouldn't have either, but I've seen Clarke struggling with it for a long time, and I have grown to recognize that fear on an Alpha's face."

"You are a really good friend to them you know..." Octavia hugged Raven tighter.

"Thanks baby."

Lexa ran as fast as she could desperate for her alpha bursting through the door, almost breaking its hinges "CLARKE!" Lexa called again terrified, searching the room finding no sign of her alpha, but finding her writing blanket gone along with the first printing of her novel that Clarke had returned days ago. "Clarke!"

"Hey baby?" Clarke adjusted pajama pants, entering the room nonchalant.

"Clarke!" Lexa sniffed, wiping away tears, tackle-hugging her mate.

"Hey Lexa... what's wrong?"

"I! I! I couldn't find you! My alpha!" Lexa cried out.

"It's ok love." Clarke caressed Lexa gently running tender hands down the Alpha's back.

"I… was so... scared." Lexa clung to Clarke tighter, sobbing harder and harder as her grip loosened and she fell to her knees in front of her alpha.

"L...Lexa?" Clarke took a knee to hold the alpha once more. "I'm right here. What is it."

"I... thought you were gone Clarke!" Lexa whimpered.

"I'm right here." Clarke comforted.

"You don't understand!" Lexa lashed out in fear. "I! I've already lost a mate! I! I can't lose you! No! I... it isn't the same as losing an omega to lose an alpha!" Lexa ranted.

"You aren't losing me." Clarke offered.

"I... can't lose my alpha… my mate, my..." Lexa didn't have the words to describe how or why she felt the way she did, but in that moment the only word she did have was. "Guardian."

"I will always guard and protect you my mate. I'm your alpha!" Clarke gave a grin as she attempted to playfully look as swol as she could.

Lexa laughed, breaking her tears to hold to Clarke once more, finally feeling secure once more.

"There you go." Clarke praised Lexa, patting her on the back.

"Thank you Clarke." Lexa clung to her.

"I have something I wanna show you."

"Huh?" Lexa paused.

"Come on, follow me baby" Clarke stood, offering a hand to pull Lexa up.

Lexa took the hand, following behind. "Where are you taking me?"

"You'll understand in a minute." Clarke giggled softly taking Lexa to their room.

"What are you gonna show me in here?"

"You are so impatient!" Clarke rolled her eyes.

"Yes, now tell me what it is." Lexa gained a sense of humor, her fears abating.

"Here, come on." Clarke opened the door to their long walk in closet.

"You got a new sweater or something?"

"I! Well!" Clarke blushed, knowing that she had stolen Octavia's.

"I! Ohhh." Lexa smiled as it came into view on the floor, the series of pillows and cushions stacked up alongside a myriad of Lexa's clothes and a smattering of Raven and Octavia's. "You have to tell them."

"Hell no! I need these things and they will want them back!" Clarke growled softly, hopping happily into her nest purring and rolling around.

"May I enter my Alpha's nest?" Lexa asked knowing it can feel like quite the violation of space to enter a pregnant person's nest without permission.

"That's why I showed it to you. I wanted to share!" Clarke smiled wide, patting an open spot in the nest offering it to Lexa.

"I love you baby." Lexa smiled, slipping down into the nest with her alpha, cuddling up to her.

"I... I haven't been doing well baby. I've been really stressed, and... this has been my escape." Clarke opened the door to transparency. "This pregnancy is really hard on me, and I know you aren't doing great either."

"I've not been at my peak for a while either, that's true. But I have you. And … that is the anchor I need, my guardian." Lexa kissed her alpha.

"Mhmm. Thank you... honestly this, right now. Has done a lot to help with my dysphoria." Clarke purred.

"I... I'm really glad. I want you to know, you being my strong alpha has helped me too." Lexa closed her eyes, nuzzling Clarke.

"Get some sleep baby." Clarke instructed, running her fingers through Lexa's hair calming the alpha.

"Wait!" Lexa's nose twitched. "What were you doing in here while I was calling your name from bed terrified?" Lexa smiled knowing the answer.

"I!" Clarke blushed. "Well... I heard you... well, moaning from bed... and... I... I wasn't quite ready to leave my nest, but... I got... well I got really horny." Clarke admitted.

"Did my alpha get to cum?" Lexa teased.

Clarke yelped." I! I... I came as you broke the door to your study, you screaming my name... oooof." Clarke meandered her way through the words embarrassed. "I came really hard."

"Good girl." Lexa praised.

"You are a good girl too Lexa. Now get that sleep. You need and deserve it." Clarke instructed, pulling Lexa back to her chest.

End of chapter 33

Chapter Text

Chapter 34

Clarke woke hours later in her nest, whimpering, smelling her alpha all around her, accompanied by the scents she most deeply adored, her best friend, and the familiar alpha who's scent had grown on her. She went to for the alpha who had been resting In her lap from what she last remembered, finding that Lexa no longer arrested alongside her. Clarke blinked searching for Lexa momentarily in the nest before concluding that Lexa had left and that it was more or less fair, she had done the same thing to the alpha hours earlier. Clarke purred, breathing in the scents of her nest once more before making her way up on to her feet. She sauntered out of the closet and out into the living room. "Lexa!" Clarke called, rubbing the sand from her eyes groggily.

"You two, always playing tag huh?" Octavia teased, cuddling with her omega.

"You alpha in your rut. Always teasing everyone!" Raven glared at her alpha.

Octavia growled back, bucking against the omega, moaning as her cock rocked perfectly against the woman.

"Where'd she go?" Clarke yawned.

"She will be home soon." Raven giggled.

"Hmm?"

"I promise you'll be happy when she gets home." Octavia agreed.

"Wait, where'd she go?" Clarke shivered, the cold morning air breezing through an open window getting to her.

"Mhmm don't worry, she'll be home soon. Come watch TV." Raven urged.

Clarke hesitated, still focused on Lexa for a moment before she considered Raven's invitation. After a moment of consideration, Clarke decided to hop onto the couch and lay against the both of them, figuring it would be nice to be surrounded by the familiar scents.

"Hey there Clarke!?" Raven raised her hands, surprised by the alpha suddenly in her lap.

Octavia burst out in furious growls, rutting against her omega possessive. "Stay away from my omega!"

Clarke whimpered softly ignoring them both, taking Raven's hands and pulling them around her, purring happily, closing her eyes.

"I... I didn't!" Raven defended.

"Alpha slut!" Octavia snapped trying to get Clarke's attention.

Clarke just purred. "You two are really comfortable." She added, turning atop Raven, reaching around and hugging tight to them both.

"I!" Octavia softened.

"Clarke, what's wrong with you?" Raven began to worry, rubbing cautious hands over Clarke's back. Only to suddenly stop and stare at the alpha.

"I! Hehe!" Clarke paused as she watched Raven's face light up.

"Was that?"

"She kicked, she likes your scents." Clarke purred, pushing her nose against Raven and breathing deep before repeating with Octavia.

"What is going on with her!" Octavia's eyes darted between the alpha and her omega confused.

"She's pregnant baby." Raven defended.

"I don't care! She is still another alpha draped on top of you!"

"She is like my sister baby."

"Raven! I don't even want your mother holding you while you are in your heat!" Octavia snarled.

"Oh come on." Raven pushed.

"She is gonna be so happy, you know why?" Clarke nuzzled them both.

"What?" Octavia continued to lose what little patience she had left.

"Clarke, I really think you need to-" Raven was interrupted.

"Because she will have a wonderful family in us four." Clarke shifted, hugging them both, resting her head on Raven's shoulder hiding bittersweet tears, appreciative of her chosen family, but grieving her given one.

"I... Clarke …" Octavia sighed, having been informed enough about Clarke's situation by Raven to understand. "I'm sorry" she mouthed to the alpha wiping away the tears for her.

"Ohh Clarke." Raven squeezed her friend back.

"Yes, yes she will. She will be the strongest woman I will ever know with you and Lexa as her alpha mother's." Octavia comforted as best she could.

"I! I'm sorry!" Clarke snapped from her hormonal craving for familial contact. "This... is completely not what you meant Raven. I'm sorry to intrude." Dysphoria and guilt covered Clarke's face as she went to stand, hoping to hide out the embarrassment in her nest.

"No. It's ok." Octavia stopped her, holding her and Raven tight, not letting go.

Raven wanted to question the alpha but held herself back just happy that she had calmed down.

"You are welcome to go if you wanna. But as long as Raven is ok with it, you are welcome to relax with us here."

"It's gonna be ok Clarke." Raven offered.

"I... I'm... thank you. Thank you both." Clarke smiled, curling up against them, allowing herself to satisfy her cravings.

Raven sniffed, burying her nose against the top of the Alpha's head. "Are you ok?" Raven worried, scenting something off about the alpha, slowly filling with worry.

"Yeah, just... really tired." Clarke answered, blinking slowly, eyelids growing heavy.

"Ok, hun get some rest." Raven sighed concerned.

Lexa hurried up the stairs to her apartment with a mile wide grin, privacy shopping bag in hand. Eager to see her Alpha's face Lexa burst through the front door to be greeted by the peculiar sight of her mate, Raven and Lexa cuddling asleep on the couch. "I... hey guys." Lexa frowned to herself.

"It's ok Lexa." Octavia's eyes fluttered open, the alpha enjoying the two in her arms.

Lexa held down her growl. "What is going on."

"Clarke... I… is she doing ok?" Octavia asked.

"My alpha is fine thank you! And I can protect and provide for her myself!" Lexa spat.

"Hey... calm down. It's ok."

Lexa let loose her growl and barked at her friend possessively.

"You will wake them!" Octavia glared.

"I want to wake them!"

"No! You don't!" Octavia slipped out from under Raven and Clarke, letting the two down easily. "They are exhausted! And you will give them space!" Octavia ordered!

"I... Clarke can't be exhausted. She has been sleeping all night and day!" Lexa denied.

"Does she look bright eyed or bushy tailed to you?" Octavia pressed.

"I... well Raven is asleep too."

"Yeah because I kept her up all night!" O cracked a cocky smile. "Plus she is in her heat, and that is a reason for her to need extra sleep all it's own."

"Well... I..." Lexa paused.

"I will ask you again Lexa. Is she ok?" Octavia emphasized.

"Yes! She is fine!" Lexa assured herself.

"Ok then. In that case, please, just let them sleep. They both need it. Especially Clarke. She... she needs to feel supported by Raven right now."

"I can support my Alpha just fucking fine bitch!" Lexa yelled too loud.

"Not like that you idiot! Clarke needs a family! That's why she was with me and Raven!" Octavia snarled through gritted teeth as Raven and Clarke woke.

"O?"

"I'm right here baby." Octavia rushed to her side.

"Hmm, what happened?" Raven yawned still half asleep.

"Nothing my love, we are just going back to bed. This shoulder of the apartment is getting a little too cold for me" Octavia lifted her omega up and carried her away, angry eyes lingering on Lexa.

"Lexa?" Clarke asked, slower to wake, whimpering, missing the familial scents surrounding her.

"Baby? You ok?" Lexa trembled doubting herself.

"I... yeah, just missed cuddling with them. It was really nice. All four of us." Clarke rubbed her belly. "We were only missing you."

"I… oh Clarke. I'm so sorry, we'll have to all get together to do that again later."

"Maybe in my nest?" Clarke suggested hopefully.

"It's up to you my alpha." Lexa bowed her head.

"Thanks love." Clarke stood, her knees weak, feeling top heavy as she wavered. "Oh, what'd you get?"

"I... it's a gift... for you." Lexa smiled half-hearted, still feeling guilty.

"Oh? What'd you get me?" Clarke smiled back, still too tired to see the conflict in her alpha.

"Come to bed and I'll show you. You look tired."

"Yeah... I'm exhausted." Clarke uttered the words Lexa feared most, becoming ever more paranoid something was wrong, ignoring any plausibility that it could just be regular exhaustion that accompanied pregnancy.

"Come here baby." Lexa pulled Clarke close with open arms as a pretext to help her to the bedroom.

"Such a caring alpha." Clarke purred.

"Come on baby. You're tired." Lexa pulled her in close, and escorted her to their room.

"So... what'd... what'd you get me?" Clarke had begun slurring her words slightly, eyelids drooping.

"Clarke" Lexa caught the alpha as she collapsed, falling hard into her alpha's arms only to be scooped into the bed.

"Hehe, when did I get into bed?" Clarke giggled softly looking around, incredibly lightheaded.

"Clarke... fuck! Look at me! What's going on!" Lexa pleaded, sobbing scared, terrified of losing her mate.

"Mhmm alpha..." Clarke's eyes rolled back losing consciousness.

"No! No! Don't you dare leave me!" Lexa howled out, spotting the blood staining Clarke's pajama bottoms.

Octavia and Raven rushed into the room, hearing the howl worried for them both.

"Raven call 911! Now." Octavia ordered.

"Clarke." Raven whispered petrified.

"Now Raven!" Octavia ordered.

"Get the hell out! Both of you! Especially you! You! You bitch!" Lexa turned on her closest friend. "You! You knew something was wrong! Yet you did nothing! NOTHING!" Lexa roared, posture giving way as she fell down to her hands and feet, growling deep, ready to pounce.

"Octavia!" Raven pulled at her Alpha's hand urging her to run.

"Raven get out, go downstairs, call 911, now! I need you safe. NOW RAVEN!" Octavia left no room for misinterpretation as she pushed Raven out of the room and slammed the door behind her.

"Octavia! Don't be stupid!" Raven banged on the door furious.

"Go! Now!" Raven could tell there was no talking Octavia out of this as she forfeited and obeyed her mate, heading out and calling 911.

"Lexa calm down you don't want to do this! Your alpha needs you!" Octavia attempted to reason.

"I! Grr! She... died! Because of you! It's all your fault!" Lexa snarled, growing closer, ready to strike.

"She isn't dead Lexa!"

"She bleed out! In the street! Because of you! Because why!? Because you were throwing her a party!"

"Lexa you were there too!" Octavia defended.

"It's all your fucking fault! You cared more about your fucking anniversary than keeping her safe!" Lexa broke out in desperate heaves and sobs before clawing at her own face, then her wrists, clearly trying to reopen the deep scar.

"Lexa!" Octavia leaped at the alpha clearly only a threat to herself, grabbing her hands and holding them down. "This isn't your fault!"

"Yes it is! I'm the reason she is dead! I'm the reason Clarke is dying! I left! I didn't protect them!" Lexa screamed back.

"No, you aren't! And she isn't dying! Now get your shit together and help me take care of her!" Octavia demanded.

"We can't help! That is the worst part!" Lexa heaved feeling liable.

"Yes we can! At least make her comfortable. Just until the ambulance gets here ok?" Octavia suggested calmly.

"H... her nest..." Lexa stammered.

"She has a nest?! Good! Where?"

"The closet." Lexa choked out.

"Come on, they will be here soon. Let's have Clarke feel surrounded by the scent of her family before we go. Ok?" Octavia cautiously coached her friend through supporting Clarke, calmed her as Clarke was loaded into the ambulance. Octavia didn't leave their sides, standing by the. The whole time, even when the worst news came.

End of chapter 34

Chapter Text

Chapter 35

Author's note: Hey! So welcome back! I know this story has been gone for a while, but it is back now. I hope some people are still around/excited to see this story return. If you are coming here from Fur and Fangs, welcome, welcome, Hope you enjoy.

As always I would love to see you over on my tumblr- hopefulbadgerjunara /

I will be doing my best to be more active there, and actually give updates? Just like Fur and Fangs, I want to get some art done for this story, and if/when that happens it will show up on tumblr first.

Clarke couldn't remember much, and certainly, none of what she did remember was very reliable. The last thing she could picture clearly was being cuddled up to Octavia and Raven on Lexa's couch. She remembered the ever-present screaming anxiety calming to just a slow boil as she had her miniature family's warmth all around her. But nothing much more than that clung with any definition in her mind. Certainly the dreams of flashing red lights and people forcing her legs apart to look at her core under an odd dress stained with what Clarke had only assumed was punch or ketchup were just that, dreams. Even as her breath stung of metal and her consciousness flickered in the strong winds of an incessant beeping she still pondered what must have brought on such odd dreams. Slowly as she sifted towards life once more Clarke began to feel the ache of the cold drip leaking into her veins, circulating her and chilling her whole body painfully. The only warmth she could feel was the raw heat of her core, feeling as if she had a heinous endeavor of a trip on a dildo made of brillo pads and a much less revolting warmth of a warm head layed over her belly.

"Wha-" Clarke despised the metallic breath that accommodated the IV drip.

"Shhh, shhh, shh. Don't strain yourself." Lexa lifted her head.

"Why… why do I? Where? Why am I in a hospital?" Clarke could tell even before her vision had accommodated to the cold lights.

Lexa's mouth opened only to have nothing leaked out but her own fear.

"Why… why do I feel like…" Clarke took a moment to find a way to describe exactly all the aches that had become her body.

"Clarke."

"Yeah?"

"You… you…" Clarke could finally hear how strained Lexa's voice was.

"I… is she ok?" Her arm jerked to her belly, immediately feeling the IV yanking her flesh painfully.

Lexa's heartbroken voice failing to form the words she never could have imagined having to say was more than an answer for Clarke.

"Lexa."

"They couldn't-"

"This isn't your fault." Clarke's hand found Lexa's, the alpha finally coming into view as Clarke's eyes adjusted.

"I! I wasn't there!" Lexa choked out. "I didn't see it! Clarke, there were signs! I didn't realize something was wrong!" Lexa argued.

"Neither did I. Is it my fault?"

"No!" Lexa half snarled.

"Then it isn't your fault either."

"It's different!"

"Why!" Clarke snapped back.

Lexa choked.

"Because you are an alpha?"

"No! Because you were completely out of it! Because Octavia warned me and I didn't listen! Because when you were out of it and you needed your family I wasn't there!"

"I'm sorry." Clarke actually felt guilty for even so much as suggesting that Lexa were for the first time ever anything but perfect when it came to her gender.

Lexa grabbed Clarke's hand, squeezing it. "I…"

"What is it love?" Clarke couldn't quite believe it, but for a moment she thought she saw a glimmer of relief in Lexa's eyes.

She shook her head.

"Talk to me." Clarke pulled Lexa's hand to her lips.

"You are so cold." Lexa worried aloud.

"I am." Clarke agreed.

"I told them to get you more blankets."

"I'm sure that you did."

"I'm pretty sure they stopped listening after they saw that you had four blankets already on top of you."

"Is that how many it is?" Clarke laughed, the two savoring that first shared grain of anything but despair.

"It's five. But I started to see eyes rolling at four."

"Were they mine?" Clarke tried to cling to the light-hearted tone, but somehow her tease had the opposite effect.

Lexa's eyes watered as she shunned any words from her throat before they could betray her lips.

"Talk to me."

Lexa shook her head shameful.

"Lexa."

"No." The alpha yelped.

"Lexa?" Clarke's voice so saccharine sweet.

"Don't."

"Why?"

"Because I don't deserve to hear that beautiful voice of yours right now."

"And why not?" Clarke huffed.

"Because when… when they told me you had lost the baby… I was relieved."

"W-"

"It meant you were ok!"

"Oh."

"How could I be relieved to hear that!? I!"

"Because you needed your alpha dumbass." Octavia answered from the doorway, Raven slumbering in her arms.

"O?"

"You didn't think I'd leave this one alone in a hospital, did you?"

"I, well-" Clarke shrugged, sitting up as best she could in the hospital bed.

Lexa turned to Octavia crying.

"You needed your alpha hun." Octavia layed a hand on Lexa's shoulder and placed a bottle of water in her hands. "You know what would happen to Raven if I got hurt? That pup 'ould be so scared and lost."

Lexa sniffled looking down to her bottle of water, seeing the reflection of a terrified woman in it.

"I'm here. It's ok… I understand Lexa." Clarke whispered.

"It's not ok! How could it be ok… that I was happy when they said-"

"Because in the same breath they said your alpha lived." O answered.

"They actually call me an alpha?" Clarke fought to keep the darkness of what had happened away, with any light of humor she could.

"Oh fuck no. But this stick in the mud corrected them every damn time." Octavia eyed Lexa.

"You are the b-" Clarke attempted.

"No, I am not!"

"You are."

"No, I am not! What alpha heard her daughter is… and is relieved!?"

"One who needs her alpha." Clarke attempted.

"One who knows the risks and complications of an alpha who was over consuming heat suppressants being pregnant."

Clarke nodded.

"I know you obsessively checked them. I saw it on your laptop in between cooking tabs." Octavia added.

"I…"

"It's ok."

"Nothing is ok! You could have died!"

"I need you." Lexa lept at Clarke, hugging and clinging to her.

"Is that why you were relieved?" Clarke whispered, wrapping her arms around Lexa, soothing her a with gentle caresses.

Lexa whimpered and whined into Clarke.

"I'm safe."

"I don't want my alpha in danger!"

"It will be ok. I am ok."

"I… thought you were… you collapsed into my arms. You were bleeding Clarke!"

"Shh. I feel ok now. I… what did the doctor say?"

"I!"

Clarke could feel Lexa go ridged.

"Lexa, you… you should sit back down to."

"What is it? A… am I ok?"

"You are Clarke, you are."

"Then what is it guys? What's wrong?"

"Lexa." Octavia hissed. "You have to tell her."

"Tell her what?" Clarke grew fearful.

"I… umm baby…" Lexa winced, a tear falling.

"What is it?"

"I."

"Lexa, you have to-"

"I know."

"Guys! I'm getting really scared! What is it! What happened. I… I know I lost… I lost…" Bringing herself to say it was too hard.

"Clarke." Lexa took Clarke's hand, sitting back down regretfully.

"What is it!?" Clarke's eyes darted between the other alphas.

"You."

"You."

"Baby, you… you had a miscarriage."

"Well doy!" Clarke rolled her eyes at what she already knew.

"I, well, the doctor. She said. She said…"

"What? What did she say? I feel ok! Am I ok!? Can I still draw? Why wouldn't I be able to draw? What is it? Really! How can there be another thing you are more afraid to tell me than that!"

"Clarke… you… you…"

"Lexa." Octavia was stern.

"The doctor said the miscarriage messed with your body. That… you wouldn't be able to…"

"Oh." Clarke's eyes flickered with understanding but no comprehension. "I… well yeah, I, well that makes sense. I, with what my body went through from so many suppressants to the pregnancy, and… yeah, I, yeah."

"Clarke."

"Baby."

"No, I… I get it."

"Clarke, hunny."

"No. It's fine."

"Clarke it isn't!"

"Yes Lexa, of course it is. I didn't want to keep it in the first place. You know I don't want to be a mother like that anyways." Clarke waived off.

"Baby."

"Clarke I don't think that you are-"

"What does it matter!"

"Clarke, we won't ever be able to have our own-"

"So!? Most alpha alpha pairings can't have children together anyway. It doesn't matter."

"Clarke how could you!"

"You don't get to be mad Lexa." Clarke rolled her eyes. "You knew I am alpha when you met me, so you knew it would be unlikely we could have children."

"I? I don't get to be mad?"

"Lexa calm down she is in shock."

"No, I'm not Octavia."

"Well I will go be 'mad' on my own, and you can come find me when you have another fucking emotion!" Lexa stormed off.

"What the actual fuck Clarke?"

"She knew what she was getting into when she bonded me."

"Clarke you need to calm the fuck down. Lexa needs her alpha, not an emotionless cold bitch." Octavia shook her head, looking back to Clarke only once more before following after Lexa.

End of Chapter 35

Updated Author's note: My life's falling apart, my girlfriend left me while I was in the probably the worst place i've been in, in damn near my whole life, and it is everything to do just to not kill myself. I will do my best to update as much as I can, but I don't know how often that will be. Also I will probably get kicked out of my home soonish, with nowhere to go and no money, so if in a couple months this account just dies, it means I probably died.

Chapter Text

Chapter 36

Clarke grumbled to herself in her hospital bed, fumbling around as best she could to find her phone or her clothing, or anything really. She wasn't ready to admit it yet, and certainly not aloud, but she knew Octavia was right. She had been far too heartless, especially to Lexa of all people! The alpha was hurting and needed the woman who was going through the same that she was. "Damnit, tells me to go after her n' come find her while I'm all tied up to the IV and the machines."

"Well hey there Ms. Grumbly?" Raven greeted. "What happened to our alphas?"

"Lexa stormed off." Clarke searched still, finding nothing.

"Uugh, whatcha looking for over there?" Raven pulled her bag around opening it up.

"My phone, and maybe some clothes." Clarke huffed. " I… well I was a bit of a bitch to Lexa, and I think I really upset her."

"What happened? What'd you do? Is it something that Lunch can't fix?" Raven began pulling out several take out boxes and then a spare set of clothes for Clarke. "By the way, they cut your PJs off of you. So that's probably why they are gone. Your phone however you didn't even have on you, that was still back in your nest?"

"I… Oh right? I made a nest…" Clarke sank.

"Yeah, so what's the status, you ok? Good to go home yet?"

"Y- You don't know?"

"Know what?"

"Raven, I lost the baby."

"Clarke!" Raven dropped the food, spilling takeout all over the floor.

"I… its ok. We, I knew there would be risks when it came to this pregnancy."

"Clarke! I'm so sorry!" Raven tackled Clarke on the bed.

"How did you not already know?" Clarke winced, feeling weak and exhausted still.

"Clarke what are you talking about? How would I know?"

"Octavia knows, I figured she wou-"

"What?! Octavia knows? How? Since when! I've only been gone for half an hour!"

"I figured that Lexa told her. Speaking of Lexa, do you have my phone? I need to call her. I think I really hurt her." Clarke patted Raven on the back before subtly urging her to release the tight hug.

"Are you ok?!" Raven squeezed Clarke again, making it clear that she had been being far too subtle.

"Raven! phone?"

"Oh! Yeah, I grabbed it for you." Raven released, still overly worried. "Here."

"Thank you soooo oh crap its dead." Clarke deflated.

"Clarke, are you sure you are ok? You look more than exhausted."

"Yeah, I'm fine, I just need to apologize to Lexa. Can you go find her for me?"

"Course. Anything you need Clarke. Here's the charger in case I can't find her immediately, or if you need anything. Stay strong hun, it is going to be ok."

"Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. See ya." Clarke waived off before almost falling out of the bed as she leaned over to plug in her phone charger.

"Lexa!" Octavia called out, finally catching up to her friend.

"No! O! I need some space right now."

"You need your alpha."

"Yeah well she doesn't need me, and she made that perfectly clear."

"You know that isn't true." Octavia sighed, sitting down next to Lexa in the corner she had found.

"Really? Cause she seems to already have dealt with all this, and she has been awake for all of three minutes."

"She hasn't dealt with it."

"Well, she doesn't want me hanging around while she continues not to."

"Lexa."

"What do I do?"

"I! I don't know. I'm sorry Lexa. I know this is hard."

"Hard!? Hard! I lost my child! And my alpha doesn't even fucking care."

A nurse gave a warning glare at the two alphas on the floor.

"I am so sorry sir, we will be quieter." Octavia attempted to buy time.

"Y'all shouldn't even be sitting there." He rolled his eyes immediately giving up and walking away.

"She doesn't care O."

"Yes, she does. You know Clarke. You know she is always trying to play the strong alpha, maybe this is just another form of that?"

"Yeah well then she doesn't know what being an alpha really is. I would never be so uncaring to my mate." Lexa's head dropped, feeling guilty immediately.

"It isn't a stretch to say it wouldn't be the first time she is overcompensating."

"Overcompensating is the understatement of the millennia."

"You aren't wrong. But people can make mistakes, especially if they just had a miscarriage. Not to mention how out of it she had been lately."

"I… you are right."

"Thank you. Now.. I really think she needs you Lexa."

"I'm not saying it again."

"Good, then, come on, let's g-"

"Octavia Aurora Blake! You lying-"

"Hey baby!" Octavia shot up from her place next to Lexa on the ground. Her face was coated in guilt, knowing that her lie was caught.

"How could you lie to me and send me off! Send me off for Chinese food of all things!"

"I! I made her!" Lexa winced, attempting to take this bullet for her friend.

"You sure you wanna stick to that lie Lexa? Cause I only need to take out my fear and anger at my alpha right now!"

"I…" Lexa hung on the syllable.

"Coward." Octavia hissed.

"Your alpha wanted to apologize by the way."

Lexa winced and grinned stepping forward.

"Coward and a traitor!"

"Clarke needs me." Lexa defended.

Raven's glair intensified now only having one target.

"I told her to tell you." Lexa coughed.

If before Raven's glare had been throwing daggers it has now become a laser beam death ray hybrid.

Lexa scurried off with haste at the sight of the omega's fury.

"You bitch!" Octavia yelled, immediately earning a sideways look from the same nurse as before sticking his head out from around a corner. "Sorry again!" Octavia waived apologetically.

"He gets an apology but I don't?"

"I!"

"Oh don't you even try now."

"I swear I had my reasons." Octavia stood.

"Oh! I would love to hear them." Raven approached, her anger clear in her scent. "Because if this explanation isn't fucking amazing, you better hope!" Raven closed what was left of the distance between them, now whispering into Octavia's ear. "You better hope your knot doesn't pop for your next three ruts!"

"Three?" Octavia's gulped in fear.

"Do you wanna go for four?"

"You can't, you just went off of your suppressants."

"Do you remember-"

"That was when we weren't bonded!" Octavia prayed that she was correct despite knowing she wasn't.

"Your poor knot. I know you don't have any rutting toys, but I have a toy almost as big as you."

"That toy is tiny! Its base is barely even a knot!" Octavia growled with alpha jealousy.

"This is a hospital not a dungeon!" The nurse snapped.

"Sorry!" Raven apologized this time.

"One more and I'm kicking you both out!"

"Talk! Now! I want a good reason for why you didn't tell me what happened to my best friend!"

"Baby."

"Oh don't you dare baby me!" Raven waived a finger which might as well have been murderous to the alpha.

"Raven."

"Better."

"Raven. I'm sorry."

"Less better." The omega over-enunciated threateningly.

"Lexa did tell me, and when I told her not to tell you, she did say it was a bad idea."

"You are not helping your case."

"I! I! I got scared! Ok!" Octavia stammered.

"Why?" Raven softened ever so slightly.

"Because… I didn't know how you would react. I didn't know what you would do, if you would change your mind…"

"You didn't tell Lexa yet did you?"

"Or Clarke."

"God… Clarke! What am I gonna to tell her?"

"You forgot didn't you? In all the hubbub?"

"I!" Raven huffed insulted at Octavia's accuracy.

"Bird brain."

"It's goldfish that have the bad memories!"

"I'm shocked that you remember?"

"That's it! I'm certainly not taking your knot this month!"

"Do you even think it will form? When you are…"

"Don't know! Don't care!" Octavia turned away.

"C'monn baby."

"Nope!" Raven shivered, feeling Octavia's breath on her neck. "Don't do that!" Raven felt her resolve melt quickly.

"I'm not as strong as Lexa, if something like that happened to you…"

"You are perfectly strong!" Raven spun back around, pushing her forearms into Octavia's chest.

"I was so scary Raven. I thought if you knew what happened to Clarke…"

"That I would end it?"

"Yes."

"Calm down love. I'm not going to."

"Even if seeing it breaks Clarke's heart?"

"She won't be able to see it for at least another two months, and… I can wear baggy shirts in the meantime. Plus my scent isn't as obvious as hers was."

"Thank you."

"What for?"

"I was… I was concerned that part… or all of the reason that you were doing this now was just because it was happening to Clarke too."

"No! I am doing this with you now because we are ready for it and I love you."

"Even though you want me to suffer all alone, with a popped knot?"

"Fine. Maybe if you get really bad I'll help you and your knot."

Octavia smiled knowing she was off the hook.

"And maybe if I get really horny or a little out of it with 'pregnancy brain' I'll let you have some fun."

"I love you."

"If you ever lie to me about what happened to Clarke again I will make you regret it tho! Speaking of which how did you two even find out, isn't that like seven different HIPAA violations all in one?"

"They knew Lexa was her alpha, and I think because my scent was all over her, and I was by them the whole time even while you had to go save that project, they just assumed we were both her alphas or something."

"Great so they are expecting of that, but they still give me sideways glances when I tell them that she is an alpha." Raven rolled her eyes exhausted with the hospital staff already.

"I'm sorry."

"I understand why you didn't tell me. But that still doesn't make it ok."

"I know. And… in an effort of both transparency, and of not being forced to buy a Fleshlight to get through the next couple months, she tell you the rest or just that she lost the child?"

"The rest?" Raven's eyes light up fearful.

"Oh shit."

End of Chapter 36

Chapter Text

Chapter 37

Clarke found herself further despising what felt now to be a far too common occurrence of awakening in a hospital bed. It didn't help that this time her head was throbbing painfully. Again everything was frustratingly disorienting as the lights seared her unprepared eyes. "L… Lexa? Clarke's head protested the sheer idea of speaking and moving her head.

"No, she isn't here." Raven whispered, taking Clarke's hand.

"Wha? Where is she?"

"She went home with O to go grab your school supplies."

"Why?"

"Because Lexa has no interest in letting you leave the hospital till you can actually walk out of here on your own two feet."

"Fuck."

"Oh just you wait, they don't know what you need, so they are probably gonna bring you a whole damn art studio."

"Yup. Sounds… sounds like my alpha." Clarke winced painfully as she tried to sit up.

"Doc said you were dehydrated."

"He did?"

"Yeah. Here, you need to drink dumbass."

"How can I even be dehydrated, I'm hooked up to an IV."

"Don't ask me, the nurse left me a cup of water and said if you wake up it would help."

"O… k." Clarke forfeited as she felt a straw against her lips.

"Drink. You need it."

"I can hold the cup myself." Clarke huffed before taking a small sip to acclimate herself to taking on the hydration.

"Yeah, well I wanna hold it for you."

"I'm an alpha! I can take care of myself."

"Oh I have no doubt that you can, but in order to take care of yourself, you actually have to choose to do it." Raven pulled away the straw, now more forceful as she tipped the cup to Clarke's lips.

Clarke drank the unexpected rush of water as best she could, but still ending up with a small coughing fit when half of it went down the wrong way. "Asshole!" Clarke's sore and raspy voice huffed frustrated.

"Yeah, well it's what you get for not telling me."

"Not telling you what?"

"That you didn't just lose the baby Clarke."

"Oh… Lexa told you?"

"Octavia did."

"Makes sense." Clarke grumbled.

"How could you not tell me that Clarke."

"If you didn't already know the answer you wouldn't already have started in on the 'you have to choose to take care of yourself' talk."

"You're Not wrong."

"Ahh, beautiful words aren't they. But a more beautiful form might be just saying I'm right."

"Oh, don't you dare let it go to your head." Raven paused only to growl at her friend. "I still want you to say it out loud."

"Say what?" Clarke didn't want to admit it.

"You know what! Now, do I have to try to drown you again!" Raven offered the cup to Clarke's lips more gingerly this time despite the threat.

"Oh, I can see the headline. Alpha dies in tragic drinking accident. Water the chances!?"

"Clarke." Raven pushed.

"Fine. I didn't tell you because I don't want to deal with it! Happy?"

Raven went to speak but Clarke wasn't done.

"I'm fucking terrified, and I'm angry! And it isn't right! I fought so hard to be ok with this! To be happy about this! Accept that I could be an omega mother!" Clarke began to sob. "I was happy about it Raven!"

"I know hun."

"No you don't!"

"Clarke."

"You think I can't smell it?" Clarke screamed.

"S… smell" Raven was shocked.

"What if you had to fight everything you are to be happy about that little one you are growing! And then… it was taken! You didn't even know how or why before your alpha tells you you'll never be able to try again! And it's my fault! It's my fucking fault!"

"Clarke."

"Congratulations by the way." Clarke waived off before covering her face and her tears.

"This isn't your fault."

"I'm the one that pushed you every day to let me use your suppressants, and it's the suppressants that fucked my body up!"

"Then it's my fault too."

"How!"

"Clarke I'm a doctor. Well not yet. But you know. I knew what risks there would be, and I still let you take my suppressants."

"That doesn't mean it's your fault."

"And it doesn't mean it is yours either!" Raven pleaded praying she could convince the alpha that this didn't rest on her shoulders despite knowing Clarke would almost always willingly take on any burden despite its risk of breaking her.

"Yes, it does!"

"No, it doesn't Clarke."

"This is why. I didn't want to talk about this!"

"Clarke talking about it is better than scaring your alpha off by shutting down and being emotionless!"

"Raven… I can't…"

"What you are just so afraid of being the reason Lexa can't have kids of her own that you will live as a robot around her from now on?"

"Yeah! That was my plan." Clarke looked away, immediately seeing the infinite amount of flaws it held.

"Clarke."

"No." Clarke shut down, her arguments losing vigor like the last moments of sun before it sets.

"It's going to be ok."

"How?" Clarke grit her teeth despite how it made her headache sear worse and worse, feeling as if she deserved the pain for being so stupid and heartless.

"As long as you two alphas have each other, I'm confident you two will get through anything. But if you two act like idiots…"

"We will lose each other."

"Yes." Octavia sighed, relieved she broke through but disheartened at her friend's pain. "But you won't do that will you?"

"What am I going to say to her? How… how do you ask for forgiveness for fucking up your alpha's chance to have their pups." Clarke's eyes pleaded for any answer as she looked back to Raven.

"Well first, you don't need to ask, because I've seen the way she looks at you. You will always have her forgiveness as long as you are there and talk to her."

Clarke nodded, awaiting more.

"Second, you don't need her forgiveness. At Least not for what you couldn't control."

"But I could hav-"

"Stop!" Raven flicked Clarke's nose.

"Da fuck!" Clarke's hands shot up to cover her stinging nose.

"Bad alpha."

Clarke glared and growled.

"Growl all you want. But you stop saying you could have done anything. Because you couldn't have. You didn't know you could even get pregnant, and when you found out, you stopped your suppressants entirely."

"Yeah…" Clarke rubbed her nose.

"I know that wasn't easy on you."

"It wasn't fun."

"And you did everything your doctor told you too."

"Yeah."

"So this isn't your fault. You can let yourself off the hook."

Clarke nodded weakly, passingly aware that she could stop beating herself up, however still not completely ready to do so.

"It will be ok. Just give it time, and allow your alpha to give you hugs when she gets here." Raven took Clarke's hand holding it supportive.

"Thanks Raven." Clarke pulled her friend in close and hugged her close.

"No problem Clarke." Raven hugged back, filled with relief now that she knew Clarke was at least ready to try moving forward.

Less than an hour later, both Lexa and Octavia returned with art supplies and textbooks all but overflowing from their arms.

"Someone just had to prove their strength huh." Raven teased, giving a playful nudge to tell Clarke to play along.

"Uugh my alpha providing! And with what! Homework! Why thank the lord I'm already in bed, else I'd certainly collapse at the beauty of the sight." Clarke made a show of throwing her head back in a fainting motion.

"You don't get to joke about that anymore!" Lexa yelped frazzled. It was only after Octavia hip checked Lexa and gave an obviously fake cough that Lexa realized; Clarke was making jokes! She wasn't just a robot again! Lexa immediately became completely apathetic to the books and supplies in her arms, allowing them to drop to the ground as she lept for the bed. Lexa grabbed Clarke, pulling her close and placing soft kisses at the alpha's neck as if she hadn't seen her in weeks.

"Lexa!" Clarke laughed, wrapping her arms around the alpha clinging to her. "You ok sweetheart?" Clarke caressed down Lexa's spine.

"I am now." Lexa purred, the scene subtly becoming more lurid as Lexa dropped her hips onto Clarke, straddling and nuzzling Clarke's neck.

"Well, I'm glad those two are back to normal." Octavia rolled her eyes, plopping down the supplies she had brought on a chair.

"They are getting there." Raven whispered, moving to her alpha, holding to her.

"You ok baby?"

"I would like to think things will just go back to normal for them, but… just because Clarke is back to being able to joke doesn't mean she is ok."

"I'm sorry love."

"God, you smell fucking good." Lexa grew louder, her alpha rejoicing in feeling like she actually has her alpha close once more.

"Woah there girl." Clarke yelped, feeling how happy Lexa was to see her."

"Ahem! Is this the wrong time." A doctor made sure the women knew she was now in the room.

Raven and Octavia both giggled, watching as Lexa and Clarke turned a bright red.

"I'm glad to see got have your… appetites back?" The doctor averted his eyes, finding the mess of art supplies scattered across the floor.

"Wanna get off of me love?" Clarke requested.

"Nope! Not really!" Lexa burned with embarrassment, feeling herself frustratingly slow to calm down.

"Have you… eaten anything? Since you were admitted.

"Well not yet. But I have a feeling she was about to!" Octavia snickered.

"Bad!" Raven chuckled along. "You are so bad!"

The doctor glared at the two snickering in the corner. "I've already had several complaints about you two!"

"N… no, I've only had some water." Clarke answered, as she subtly tried to push Lexa off of her.

"Well, Ms. Griffin, I'm sorry we haven't had an opportunity to talk until now. Has your alpha informed you of what happened?"

Lexa's arousal died almost instantly as the doctor's words reminded her of what she and Clarke had lost. In Lexa's instant of mourning, Clarke finally succeeded in pushing the alpha off of her.

Lexa tumbled down to the ground with roughly the exact same about of grace as the books and art supplies she had dropped earlier.

Clarke's eyes followed Lexa just long enough to confirm that her alpha was alright before she snapped her attention back towards the doctor. "Yes. Lexa informed me that I had lost the child."

"I! Yes well… in the event that we do not have a next of kin or an ICE, it is hospital policy to default to an omega's alpha-"

"She is an alpha!" Lexa lept back up looking overly frazzled.

"Yes yes, I have a note of some sort referring to that from the ob-gyn who performed the surgery."

"Surgery?" Clarke looked from the doctor to a growingly distressed alpha.

"Yes. When we informed Lexa was it?"

Lexa shook and nodded quickly.

"When we informed Lexa of the risks of proceeding with the pregnancy, and the likelihood of viability when in comparison with the risks associated she decided we abort rather than risk simply fixing the bleed."

"R… risk? Abort? A… are you saying I could have kept my child?"

"I see that you did not, in fact, inform her." His eyes pierced with judgment.

"Lexa, Raven, Octavia. I think I need some time to speak with my doctor.

"Clarke, I swear-"

"I need you to leave right now Lexa!"

"Please Clarke, let me exp-"

"NOW!"

"Clarke, do you want me to wait outside the door for you?" Raven offered.

"I… yes, but I think it's best the alphas go home!"

"Clarke p-"

"Lexa I want my things packed when I get home."

"Cla-"

"You can do it or I can send Raven to do it! And if Raven does it you won't get to plead your case, because I won't be coming home to pick it up."

"I."

"Lexa." Raven whispered to get the alpha's attention. Even if she was actively infuriated at the alpha for taking such an important choice from Clarke she knew it was more important that the two get an opportunity to at least attempt to talk things out later.

Lexa's eyes pleaded with the omega.

"Lexa it's best you go home and pack for her. Please." Raven despised having to play peacekeeper for the alpha after having learned what she had done, but she held tight to the hope that there were extenuating circumstances that did something, anything to justify what she had done, even if it were only for Clarke's sale.

"Do you want me to stay?" Octavia offered with a soft hand at Raven's back.

"No, for now, I think it's time you two just go home and pack for Clarke."

"Ok." Octavia kissed her omega before moving to assist the shattered alpha out of the room.

"I'll be right outside hun."

"Thank you Raven."

The doctor waited patiently for the others to filter out before he spoke. "Did you have any questions first, or did you want me to explain the procedure?"

"Let's start with what happened, and why you allowed her to sign off on me having an abortion?"

"Like I said, it is hospital policy to allow the alpha of an omega who has no next of kin."

"And you couldn't have woken me up? Or asked me in any way?"

"No Ma'am, you and the fetus we're both bleeding internally. Which wouldn't have been as much as an issue but your blood typed didn't match."

"What?"

"Your alpha, Lexa. Her blood type is AB positive. And yours is O negotiate. The child's was B positive. Due to the effects of the over consuming suppressants prior to conception, your uterus was not properly prepared to carry the child. When something went wrong and the internal bleeding started we had to act fast. So no we could not have woken you up."

"I…"

"We gave your alpha two choices, attempt to stem the bleeding you both had and risk it happening again when you were not in a hospital, potentially killing you both, or abort the fetus, and ensure your safety."

"I..." Clarke stammered.

"She was frantic and pleaded that we do whatever ensured you could live. We were at the time certain that you two could try again at a later date with a much higher chance of viability if you were to stop over consuming suppressants. However, after we learned that the cause of the bleeding was scaring of your uterus. I am very sorry to inform you, but what your alpha told you is correct. We suspect it is impossible for you to have a child."

"Ok." Clarke nodded.

"Do you have any questions Ma'am?"

"No. If you don't mind I would like to talk with my friend who stayed."

"Yes Ma'am. By the way, if all goes well, we have you scheduled to be able to leave in two days."

"T! Two days! I have school to get back to!"

"I'm sorry ma'am but we need to monitor your progress, and I would like to see you eating food again before we release you." The doctor added on his way out.

"I'll make sure she eats." Raven assured as she passed the doctor.

"Good, and I trust with the alphas gone there will no longer be any disturbances."

"We'll do our best." Raven gave a hopeful look to a less than warm reception from the doctor.

"I take it you were listening in." Clarke rolled her eyes.

"Course Clarke."

"What do you-"

"Clarke I love you. But no."

"Raven."

"No Clarke. I can't make this decision for you."

"I'm not asking you to make it for me!"

"No, you are just asking me how to feel about it all because it's overwhelming."

"How could it be anything other than overwhelming!?"

"I know Clarke, I know."

"I love her… But she…"

"I think it's best we eat, for now, you have a couple days to sort out your feelings."

"You still got that Chinese?"

"Course I do, and I got your favorite."

"Thanks Raven." Clarke purred as her friend hugged her, giving her the reassurance she desperately needed after the nightmarish whiplash of emotion she had endured in the past couple hours alone.

End of Chapter 37

Chapter Text

Chapter 38

Author's note: Anyone else gonna do nanowrimo? I just signed up and I'm planning to use the time to write the next book for Fur and Fangs! If anyone else wants to do it with me, I wouldn't mind doing a private cabin with the readers? Just think it might be fun. Check it out, and message me on my tumblr if you wanna join.

As always my tumblr is: hopefulbadgerjunara or https://hopefulbadgerjunara.tumblr.com/

"Lexa."

"No! I'm not going to pack up my alpha's things for her just because… No! No! I'm just not doing it!"

"Lexa. Please."

"No this is absurd!"

Octavia slammed one of Clarke's suitcases down on Lexa's bed. "Lexa!"

"No! I did what was right! It doesn't matter if she keeps the child if she is dead Octavia!"

"You are right."

"Thank you!"

"You are right." Octavia repeated, placing the order her hands on Lexa's shoulders.

"Good. Now let's put the suitcase away and go back to my alpha!"

"No. Just because you are right… it doesn't mean what you did wasn't wrong. It doesn't mean what you did didn't hurt."

"O…"

"I know. I know why you did it. But Clarke doesn't."

Lexa grabbed the suitcase, wanting to throw it, to toss it in anger, to rip apart the room that she and her alpha had made their own. It felt like a lie, that if it could all be torn down by her attempts to protect Clarke, then what was the point! If it was so easily destroyed then it was never as special as she believed. If it could so easily be torn down then it couldn't have really been love from the first place!

"Don't. If you can't move forward… Clarke will never give you the chance she should." Octavia placed her hand on Lexa's forearm trying to calm her.

Lexa just screamed, picking up the suitcase and throwing it back down on the bed, needing anything to get out even a hint of the terrifying tumult of fear, anger, frustration, and loss that had become her life.

"You done?"

"Yes." Lexa pouted.

"You know why."

"Yes!" Lexa huffed, already beginning to pack for Clarke.

"I know this is hard for-"

"But it is so much worse for Clarke. She woke up to learn her alpha had made such a huge decision without her! Yes, I know!" Lexa complained.

"And she needs time to process."

"So do I!"

"I know. And Clarke knows that too. But she feels betrayed."

"For her alpha trying to keep her alive!?" Lexa screamed and cried, haphazardly throwing things in the case.

"Yes. I know that is hard, but yes. But on the bright side, I'm fairly certain she knows she is overreacting, that you did your best, what you thought was right."

"What else could I have done!? Just let them both keep bleeding till she died!? Or have them put on all of a fucking band-aid just for it to happen again in a month?!"

"I know Lexa. I know. But Clarke doesn't. All she can see right now is the choice that was taken from her. Her child Lexa."

"She was my child too!" Lexa screamed, panting as heavy sobs came, unrelenting emotions taking out her knees sending her toppling down only to be saved by the edge of her bed.

"I'm sorry Lexa." Octavia knelt down to hug her friend. "I'm sorry because I know no words will ever truly help, nothing can fix what you lost."

Lexa's sobbing continued as she moved into Octavia's embrace, needing her alpha, but willing to accept Octavia as a substitute.

"Breathe. It will be ok."

"How! Clarke won't even look at me!"

"Lexa I know it is hard. But Clarke needs to feel any control right now. If that means she wants you to pack for her, then we need to do it. Because once things start to feel normal for her again she will actually be able to start talking to you again. We just need to do what she asked, and give her some time?" Octavia strived to comfort Lexa, knowing how desperately she needed it.

"But what if she doesn't. What if she-"

"I know it is hard, but you did what was best. Just give her time and she will see that." Raven patted Lexa and allowed her to cry onto her shoulder for as long as the fellow alpha needed.

Even once the alpha had stopped crying she was still understandably far from calm. Despite this Lexa soldiered on with Octavia's help. The two stripped the room of anything that once made it a loving home. It was a stunning and stark emptiness when all that remained was what Lexa had kept after she lost Costia. What still remained was barely more than pictures and a few sparse books which once filled the holes better Clarke's.

"Just give it a couple days." Octavia patted Lexa on the back. "Just you wait, we'll be undoing all out hard work as soon as Clarke gets home."

"I really hope you are right O."

"I am. Now relax. It will be ok."

"What do we do?"

"Now? We sit down on the couch and watch whatever you want, romance, comedy, rom-com, horror, action, anything."

"I want to watch my alpha come home."

"I know. But Raven texted me, they are holding her for another couple days to make sure nothing else goes wrong."

Lexa's head dropped.

"Hey, this is good news!" Even Octavia knew her attempt to spin this into a positive was so thin it was beyond see through.

Lexa gave Octavia an appropriately dubious look.

"She is safe. They are watching over her, ensuring nothing goes wrong." Octavia could see Lexa derive some comfort from the knowledge. "And it gives her some extra time to process."

"Yeah." Lexa nodded longing for her mate.

"Look. Raven won't leave her side. So as long as you don't have your mate I won't either."

"Ok."

"So what's it gonna be? Cause we are having something hilarious disgusting, I dono, seven meat pizza or something, two tubs of ice cream, cause bitch I'm not sharing, and a slew of movies of your choice Lexa!"

"Thanks Octavia."

"No prob, now I want three movies in a queue on the living room TV by the time I get home."

"Yeah." Lexa smiled.

"Good."

End of Chapter 38

Chapter Text

Chapter 39

Author's note: Anyone else gonna do nanowrimo? I just signed up and I'm planning to use the time to write the next book for Fur and Fangs! If anyone else wants to do it with me, I wouldn't mind doing a private cabin with the readers? Just think it might be fun. Check it out, and message me on my tumblr if you wanna join.

As always my tumblr is: hopefulbadgerjunara or https://hopefulbadgerjunara.tumblr.com/

Clarke spent her next two and a half days in the hospital avidly working. She had begun with emailing each and every one of her professors, assuring them that she would be back to class as soon as possible. The alpha was visibly frustrated with each professor who assured her she would get an extension, and that she need not focus on school work while cooped up in the hospital. To add to the alpha's frustration Raven repeated attempted to coax her into talking about Lexa, and nearly succeeded a multitude of times, but instead each time Clarke insisted that she was still so swamped with makeup work. It wasn't long before she began messaging several classmates, eager for anything to distract her, to help her focus on anything but thoughts of what she had lost and the alpha she blamed.

On the bright side, after her two days work, she had more finished than she would normally be able to complete in over a week. With some comfort in her excess of productivity, Clarke left the hospital looking more like she was moving out due to all the supplies that Lexa had brought her at even such an off-handed whim.

The nurse wheeling her out made sure not to let all the alpha's art accouterments go without a comedic comment which lacked any hint of actual comedy.

But Clarke just simply rolled her eyes and ignored the comments as best she could. Once Raven finally pulled the car around Clarke lept from the hospital policy mandated wheelchair, eager to leave the doctor filled nightmare of a building.

Raven assisted Clarke in filling the car with her work before assisting the still slightly weary alpha back into the car. Lexa's scent was so thick it almost drowned Clarke the moment the car pulled away. Of course! Of course, Lexa had to take her car to the hospital, and Octavia had to drive Lexa back in hers. Clarke flipped back and forth angrily as she fought to decide if this was just her bum fucking luck or if some divine being simply demanded she confront her conflicted feelings for the alpha. Clarke wished that the smell would simply go away, that she could get accustomed to it faster than she ever had, or that she could simply ignore it through sheer force of will and an incredible amount of mouth breathing. However nothing she did worked in the slightest, the scent simply smothered her slipping slowly down her throat and filling her brain with beautiful memories of the alpha tainted with anger fury and frustration.

Raven seemed to wait just long enough for Clarke to be thoroughly worked up in a huffed of emotional confusion. "We need to talk about Lexa."

Ah yes, there was the divine being which demanded she face her feelings for the alpha. "No."

"Yes. You don't have any more homework to get yourself out of this talk anymore."

"No! I don't want to talk about this anymore." Clarke huffed, taking in a deep breath and instantly regretting it as her hindbrain narrowed in on the overwhelming scent of Lexa. It wasn't just Lexa's scent built up from years of driving in the car. It was Lexa's worried scent. It was evidence of just how scared the alpha was for her. The scent was overwhelming, it not only demanded Clarke's attention, it stole it away and refused to yield. Even her best efforts were pointless to block out the thoughts of Lexa sobbing as she rushed to come see her, convinced that her mate was dead or dying.

"Clarke!"

The alpha found infinite relieved in the omega awakening her from the hellish sandstorm that was her thoughts.

"What are you going to do!? Just block it out and go off of impulse when you finally see your mate again!?"

Clarke huffed and looked out the window, unrolling it, desperate for the fresh air. "Pretty much." She mumbled into the roar of air rushing into and past the car.

"Seriously Clarke?"

"The car smells too much like her."

"Of course it does, it is her car."

"Can we just not!"

"No, we can't just not!" Raven slammed her hands angrily down on the steering wheel.

"God Raven I love you but sometimes you are the worst!"

Raven slammed on the brakes, the car jostling back and forth on the suspension. "Are you kidding me!? I just spent the past two days away from my alpha! I, a pregnant omega! Took two days off, away from my alpha! A woman who I love and need so desperately right now! All to be there for you! To help you sort out whether or not you could forgive Lexa! But no! Ms. Tough lil alpha doesn't wanna deal with her feelings no matter what!"

"I didn't ask you to-"

"And you will never have to! Because you are my best friend Clarke! That is the same reason why I won't just let you block this out and make an offhanded decision in the heat of the moment that you could regret for the rest of your life."

"I need to know if she did what I asked." Clarke grumbled.

"Really!? That is what your forgiveness rests on! On whether or not she is willing to just let you walk out the door? Clarke, I love you, but your priorities are fucked!"

"I-"

"I can respect you not being able to forgive her. But don't put her in such a horrible position, that she has to be willing to give up on you to even have a chance to stay in your life."

"It isn't about that Raven."

"Then what is it about?"

"It is about the fact that she took this decision from me! I lost my child because of her!"

"She lost her child too Clarke!"

"I… just drive."

"Clarke."

"You are right! Happy? You are right! She lost her child too! But she had a choice! I didn't!"

"That's becau-"

"I know exactly her reasons!"

"Fine then Clarke."

"I promise I took what you said to heart. But I need to know I am even capable of forgiving her before I promise to do it."

"Ok, Clarke. Ok."

End of Chapter 39

Chapter Text

Chapter 40

Author's note: Just incase anyone still wanted to do nanowrimo with me, cabins are going to be set up in 10 days, I don't know if I will be able to add anyone to the cabin after that! So please message soon if you wanna join the Hopeful cabin!

As always:

Check it out, and message me on my tumblr if you wanna join.

As always my tumblr is: hopefulbadgerjunara or https://hopefulbadgerjunara.tumblr.com/

Lexa couldn't decide if she appreciated the warning text message from Raven that she and Clarke were on their way home. On the one hand, she would be prepared, at least in theory, and on the other, she couldn't stand still or even stop shaking since she had received the warning. At first, it began with a simple needing everything to look perfect, organized and like she hadn't fallen apart completely without her alpha. Lexa quickly fell down an anxiety-ridden rabbit hole, adjusting every single picture frame, pillow, and frankly everything else which could even possibly be moved. There was no such thing as correct placement for anything in the apartment; nothing could ever be perfect, and that was exactly what Clarke deserved. Lexa needed the home to be exactly perfect, if anything was anything less than perfect then that was just one more reason for Clarke to leave, to take that damned bag Lexa forced herself to pack and walk out the door without ever turning back. The thought froze Lexa's mind, holding her in her place as the fear decimated everything which once held her together.

"Shh." Octavia patted Lexa on the shoulder from behind.

"I'm so scared…"

"She is coming home Lex."

"What if it's just a stop? Before she finds somewhere else… someone else."

"You two are bonded idiot."

"I…"

"Calm down, it's ok."

"But."

"How about you let things fall apart before you try to put them back together?"

Q"Octavia I have already list such a large piece…"

"Well, I think completing a puzzle is overrated."

"It isn't a puzzle tho! It is my life!"

"Ok then." Octavia pulled away.

"Sorry…"

"It's ok. I understand. I wouldn't be ok if the same were happening with Raven and I."

"Thank you."

"Breathe."

"I knew I was forgetting something!"

"Fucking Christ Lexa." Octavia rolled her eyes.

"I'm scared ok!" Lexa yelled before literally leaping from her place on the floor.

"What!"

"That was the elevator."

"Yeah Lexa, there are probably a hundred people that live in this building. People are going to use the elevator."

"No. This isn't anyone else."

Raven knocked on the door before unlocking it herself, a courtesy knock for Lexa's benefit.

The alpha subdued another yelp as best she could, attempting to look strong as her mate arrived.

"There you go, and now you are home." Raven announced, again more for Lexa's benefit than anyone else's.

The alpha's hopes crashed the moment she noticed neither of them held the outrageous amount of art supplies and textbooks she had brought Clarke while she was in the hospital. The only hint of it all was Clarke's portfolio hanging from her hand, nothing more. Lexa broke, she couldn't even form a hello at the sight; the evidence that her alpha had no intention of moving back in, she came only to collect any artwork was left and her bags.

"Hey, Clarke. You feeling any better?" Octavia attempted to get either of them talking.

"I'm glad to be out of the hospital." Clarke's head hung almost as low as Lexa's.

"Yeah, I know you aren't the biggest fan of-"

"Doctors." Lexa whispered at just an audible level.

"Yeah. I know you and docs have a rocky relationship at best." Octavia tried to finish the awkward emptiness left from Lexa's hollow tone.

Clarke nodded without raising her eyes from the floor, sauntering towards her room without another word.

Lexa's head raised timid but too curious not to pay attention to where Clarke went.

The other two exchanged confused glances, attempting to garner any understanding of what Clarke was doing or what she was about to do.

"Do you?"

"How the hell would I know, your the one who spent the past two days with her!" Octavia whispered back befuddled.

"I don't have the slightest fucking clue!" Raven's eyes practically popped out of her head as she tried to understand why Clarke had not spoken a word to Lexa, but instead just went to her room.

"L… Lexa?"

The alpha shook her head, holding no answers for her best friend.

"Are you ok?" Raven approached.

"I… I'm just gonna give her her time. I… I can't push her. I… I'm afraid I'll push her further away."

"Lexa."

"She loves you Lexa. I… I'm sure she is just in shock still." Raven winced, approaching the alphas and reaching out attempting to help comfort her friend's mate.

But Lexa turned away, walking back to the kitchen, withdrawing the quarter pound left of the full gallon ice cream tub and bringing it back with her to the couch.

"What is…"

"I… well, that's what we were doing while our mates were away."

"You? Ms. Doesn't just live at the gym she fucking owns it, ate ice cream?"

"I can be fun." Octavia defended.

"I know you can be fun, but I never knew that fun could involve carbs in any form other than beer." Raven teased.

"But Clarke is home now." Octavia whimpered concerned as she watched Lexa hold up the movie case for Stuck in Love in her right hand and When Harry met Sally in her left. The alpha didn't say a word or even turn around to see the other two in the room.

"You got a preference?" O shrugged to Raven.

"Yes! And my preference is that that alpha goes and talks to her alpha before… before… I don't know! But them not talking certainly isn't good!"

"Ok, ok. Umm… Lex? Honney?"

"If you don't pick I'm playing Stuck in Love again."

"Lex. I… I think it's time you go try to see what Clarke is doing."

"Stuck in Love it is." Lexa stood back up, popping the disk into the player and then grabbing her double xl cherry chocolate lover's delight once more and melting into the couch once more."

"Lexa."

"Hey, I gave you a choice. Not my fault you didn't answer with which movie you wanna watch."

"Lexa."

"Do we have any pizza left?"

"No, I had the last of it for breakfast."

"You ate!? Ok, this we are talking about later!" Raven's head almost exploded.

"I can have cheat days! And any day where I don't have my pregnant omega close is a good day to get some caloric comfort."

"You are what!"

"Uugh."

"Good job baby." Raven's face fell into her palm.

"I…"

"Lexa I-"

"No. O I get it. I know why you wouldn't tell me. I get it." Lexa stood, beginning to cry.

"Oh my god, you fucking idiot! You need your alpha! Go to her!" Raven snapped.

"I…" Lexa just began to cry harder.

"That's it!" Raven growled, coming up from behind Lexa and forcefully.

The alpha tried to dig her heels into the floor, but she was no match for the frustrated pregnant omega who was damn near ready to just pick up the stubborn alpha.

"Baby! Don't push yourself." O worried, knowing no combination of words would halt the omega set in her decision.

"I! Raven!"

"No! You are taking to her! And you are talking to her now!"

"Raven stop!"

"No!" Raven dropped her shoulder, almost toppling Lexa over as she strived to get better leverage.

"I!" Lexa grabbed at the hallway walls and passing door frames, only to be pushed past to her room.

"You go in there on your own or I'll push you." Raven threatened.

"I! Fine!" Lexa did her best to wipe away tears before placing her hand on the handle of the closed door. She did her best to listen in, desperate for any clue as to what Clarke was doing, what she had been doing alone in their room for the past twenty minutes.

"Now!"

"F...fine." Lexa opened the door slowly, peeking her head in, deflating quickly.

"What!?"

"I don't think I can talk to her right now."

"Oh hell no! You are talking to her."

"She is asleep Raven." A smile crept over Lexa's face, her heart suddenly warming.

"What?"

"She is cuddling my pillow."

"Good. I told you, you needed to talk to her."

"I didn't talk to her."

"Yeah, but in attempting to, you got some fucking hope again."

"I… yeah." Lexa hummed, her alpha all but rolling over in pride and relief that her mate was finding any solace in her scent.

"Now go cuddle with her or something. And I swear if you leave her alone before you two get to talk, I'll kill you both!"

"Ok Raven."

"Good."

"Thank you." Lexa purred.

"Get in there, I need to cuddle my mate too." Raven pointed forcefully.

"Yeah yeah." Lexa nodded, walking into the room and closing the door behind her.

Despite the fact that her alpha was curled up with her pillow on the bed, the suitcase Lexa had packed for her still rested closed on the bed as well. Even the note she had left Clarke atop the suitcase seemed completely untouched, placed gingerly atop the bag. Lexa wasn't sure if she should be relieved that the bag and the note looked untouched, or if it was a sign that Clarke was just too exhausted to leave yet. She quickly began to fall down a familiar rabbit hole of spiraling terror, fears growing, paranoia setting in.

"Hmm." Clarke stirred, the noises and scent if the hyperventilating alpha enough to rouse her instincts.

"C… Clarke?" Lexa choked out scared.

"L… Lexa?" Clarke's eyes flickered open slowly.

"I… I wanted to give you time! I didn't mean to wake you!"

"What?"

"I! Well Raven forced me to come here and talk to you! She… she is certain that… that you still… that you still love me." It was beyond evident from the trepidation Lexa spoke with that it was her greatest fear for the belief to be untrue.

"Lexa… of course I still love you."

Lexa only got in one sigh of relief before Clarke opened her mouth once more.

"But that doesn't mean I forgive you."

"I… oh…" Lexa's irregular breaths grew heavy with anxiety.

"I… I read your note."

"You did?"

"Yes."

"I wasn't sure. It didn't look like it had been touched."

"I… I understand why you did it."

"Clarke, I need you. The doctor said even if they could stop the bleeding it could start back up at any time! That it could kill you!"

"I know."

"Clarke!" Lexa yelled.

"I know Lexa."

"And I didn't know that we wouldn't be able to have another!"

"I know Lexa."

"I didn't make this decision for you because you are biologically an omega!"

"Of course you didn't."

"Clarke why won't you say something!"

"You aren't really giving me a chance!"

"Because I'm scared I'm losing my alpha!"

"You aren't."

"I can't lose my alpha!"

"You aren't!"

"I… what?"

"I'm not leaving."

"Yo… you aren't?"

"No, I'm just really fucking tired, and I don't feel like unpacking right now."

"What! But! Why didn't you say anything to me when you walked in!"

"Because when I walked in, I wasn't sure what I was going to do."

"W… what changed."

"You packed my bags. And… honestly, you do have a way with words."

"What?"

"Well, I didn't quite understand your position… how scared you were until I saw your note. And… between that, and you being willing to pack my bag for me, even during all of this. It means a lot Lexa. I'm not saying I'm ok, and I'm not saying we are perfect. But you are still my alpha."

"O… ok." Lexa nodded fearful.

"But those are all things we can process another day."

"Ok." Lexa approached the bed. "So…"

"So, please move the suitcase off the bed, and come cuddle with me."

Lexa threw the suitcase almost hard enough to crack the wall, pouncing on the bed, needing to have her alpha close.

"That's a girl."

The flood gates came crashing down for Lexa at the simple praise. She buried her face into Clarke sobbing.

"It's ok. I know. I'm sorry you were so scared."

Lexa wrapped her arms around her alpha, finding all the comfort she could ever need in her arms.

"It is going to be ok. We are going to be ok. I love you. I'm not leaving."

Lexa stayed there crying into her alpha for over an hour, all the way up until she fell asleep in her alpha's arms, falling victim to Clarke's soft caresses coaxing her to relax, to release all the fear she held since Clarke first fell ill. Even though the alpha was crying, there was nothing better than finally having her home back, her mate, the woman she needed about all else.

End of Chapter 40

Chapter Text

Chapter 41

TW: alcoholism/substance abuse. The next ten chapters will focus on alcoholism and sobriety. If you don't want to read that, skip to chapter 51

The story will resume there with a small recap for those who needed to skip.

Author's Note: Thank everyone for reading. I really appreciate it. As some of you know, I have been in a rough place as of late. If anyone is interested in supporting me/ ensuring I am able to continue writing, please consider checking out my Tumblr which has a link to the best way to support me. https://hopefulbadgerjunara.tumblr.com/

Lexa and Clarke found some sort of a rhythm once more with ease after they finally achieved the opportunity to talk. That said, the rhythm was distinctly different, the open acceptance, the unquestionably of their comfort within each other's presence was gone. It had evaporated almost completely, leaving only the hints that it had once been there. Adoring glances has become almost fearful, teasing touches now taunting, soft sciences now haunting. It's emptiness latched on to both of the alpha's feasting on their loss, hindering any healing which might have happened between them. Despite this haunting them, they both moved on as best they could, forcing themselves to act as normally as possible.

Lexa specifically took the act of acting normally hard. Within two weeks she barely spent any time in her own her own room with Clarke. The alpha simply couldn't handle pretending like everything was alright, like they weren't constantly scared, like they weren't living on the edge of falling apart all over again. And so, instead of dealing with it, she hid. The alpha hid alone in her study. Lexa buried herself in her writing, developing her new novel rather than witness the remnants of pain her perceived betrayal left in Clarke's eyes. It was heart-wrenching to stay away from her alpha, but it was so so much worse to see that look. That look filled with remorse which initially flickered with anger only to die out and smolder in a saddening combination of guilt and grief.

Within a month the only time the pair spent together was the few hours Lexa slept for in-between lengthy writing and editing sessions and the occasional shared silent meal. The growing divide made for an ever more tragic sight to behold for their friends who watched on as the alpha's isolated themselves. At least on occasion, Octavia could coax her friend out from the mausoleum of writings she amassed about and for Costia. It gave her a minimal amount of comfort to draw her friend into the living room for occasional movie nights. But Raven? All of her requests to spend time with her friend fell on deaf ears. Clarke seemingly only left the room she once shared for Lexa to attend classes, and grab a small snack on occasion. By the time things broke, it had been days since Raven had even seen her friend in the apartment they shared. Their only conversations were messages Raven had sent urging Clarke to come have fun, enjoy the movie nights with her and the other aloha, or go out for celebratory drinks that they survived midterms. Sadly, none if Raven's attempts to break through came even close to swaying Clarke into leaving her room. When her best friend refused to see her, Raven simply assumed it was her own fault, that Clarke chose not to spend any time with her any longer. She figured it must have been her pregnancy. Of course, Clarke wouldn't want to be around the relatively recently knocked up omega just after having lost one of her own. But even that excuse felt thin after two months.

"Lexa?"

"Yeah Raven?" Lexa didn't have the energy within her to look up from her pasta finishing in its sauce on the stove.

"You ok?"

"Yeah. Just a little tired." The circles under her eyes did more than enough to establish just how much of an understatement it was.

"Lex?"

"What's up Raven?" Lexa wouldn't look the omega in the eyes.

"Is Clarke ok?"

"How would I know?" Lexa huffed rolling her eyes.

"Because you are her alpha!"

"She is fine, our schedules just aren't matching up great anymore, so we only see each other… we don't see each other much."

"Lexa, you are a writer, you make your own schedule."

"Do you want some food?"

"God yes, that smells fantastic, can you put some pickles on it?"

"Put pickles on my pasta and die." Lexa warned.

"I'll take it plain then." Raven's hands shot up in an effort to prove she was innocent.

"Here." Lexa passed off the plate she had originally made for herself.

"Don't give me all of it!"

"I'm not really hungry anyway, I just felt like cooking. Enjoy!" Lexa's movement was slow and labored as she plopped the pan in the sink. "I need to get back to my work anyways."

"I can't eat all your- wait! No, no, no! You don't just run off like that! I asked you a question!"

"Look I'm giving her some space, I think she and I still need it. We lost a lot. She is still here, and as long as she is here… it means she and I have time to grow back together. So I'm not pushing it."

"Lexa, are you kidding? You of all people! Really? You are gonna be just all oh well I have time?"

"Me of all people? What did I do?"

"You the woman who knows better than any of us that our time with the people we love is limited."

"Seriously? You are playing the widow card for me against me?" Lexa squinted.

"Yes! Because you aren't the only person not getting to be with your mate by staying away from her."

"Yeah yeah, enjoy my pasta."

"Look. Lexa, I'm worried for her. She won't leave that room for anything other than class!"

"So? She is taking time to herself."

"Lexa. Please. I'm worried. We are graduating in a couple months, she and I should be celebrating!"

"Your issue is that in the wake of her loss she isn't drinking?"

"No, it is that she is isolating herself! Did either of you even talk last week when you went into your first rut since she lost the baby?"

"I… I sent her a text message because I didn't want my scent to be triggering for her."

"And?"

"Two days into my rut she messaged me and said she wasn't ready."

"What did you do in the meantime?"

"I have a nice little couch in my study, I've been sleeping on it since."

"And you just thought it was normal that your alpha didn't respond to you being in your rut for two days? That is literally every alpha's favorite thing, making their mate cum over and over again during their cycle. And don't ask me why, but I know Clarke is no exception!"

"I don't know." Lexa clearly just didn't want to face the issues which still rested between her and her alpha.

"Please, talk to her before I have to push your ass back into that room all over again."

"Ok."

"Good!"

"Yeah yeah, enjoy your pasta."

"God it's so fucking good." Raven moaned into the food already filling her mouth.

"Glad you enjoyed."

"If I didn't have Octavia… mhmm damn, Clarke would have something to be scared of."

"Thanks, but your not my type."

"Don't care. This is fucking good."

"Enjoy, I'll talk to you when I'm done with Clarke. After that, you two can schedule… drinks? Really?"

"I can have… water…"

"Octavia has you on a healthy pregnancy diet doesn't she?"

"She is certainly trying!"

"Let me guess absurd amounts of cheese and butter coating pasta with bacon bits isn't on your diet."

"Is it coated in alcohol, brie, or camembert?"

"No."

"Is it chock full of tuna?"

"Enjoy."

"You tell her and I'll kill you."

"Yeah yeah, there's a little left in the pan too, enjoy."

"Eek! Yay!" Raven delved back into the delicious desiccant meal.

Lexa somehow approached the door to her own room with even more apprehension than she had opened it with months prior. The alpha played nonchalant, but she knew something was wrong ever since Clarke ignored her, even during her rut. Lexa didn't care about the pain of her knot splitting, the burn of her flesh so much hotter because she could smell her mate close without being able to touch her, or even the empty feeling it gave her to rut into the toy she bought herself to get through ruts while single. But the true reason why she hadn't returned to her bed since was because she couldn't believe the woman she loved didn't care enough to prevent her from enduring the heartache that accompanied it all alone. There was no response, no message back, no confirmation that Clarke received her message, it was a lie to save face with the omega. In fact, the only way Lexa even knew that Clarke was still alive was her scent and having passed by her once or twice after Clarke came home from classes.

Her fingers traced down the door, landing on the handle. Her fingers draped around it slowly, timidly, more than hesitant. The alpha brought her other hand up to the door as well, knocking softly. "Clarke?" Lexa rested her forehead against the cold door just as she would against her lover.

There was absolutely no hint of a response from beyond the door.

"Clarke? It's me. I… I know we haven't talked in a while." Lexa knocked again weakly. "Clarke? Baby?" Lexa called again, a tension growing after another absence of a response. There was no way Clarke was already asleep, and Lexa knew Clarke was home, she had heard her alpha arrive home just before she began cooking. She remembered it distinctly because she heard Clarke trip more than once, and the instinctively strikes of alpha protectiveness and fear that became of her when she heard Clarke tripping clumsily. She loathed staying still, simply sticking to her work, at that time still unprepared to face Clarke.

Still nothing!?

"Baby, I'm coming in." Lexa warned.

Still nothing, Lexa couldn't help but begin to shake fearful as she remembered her alpha unresponsive in her arms the night she went to the hospital. Lexa cracked the door open, still not ready to open it all the way as she attempted to steel herself. "Clarke?"

"Umm Lessaa." Clarke answered, hiccupping as she rolled over in the bed.

"Aww. Someone have a long day of classes?" Lexa cooed, imagining how she might be able to soothe her exhausted mate. For only that moment everything felt like it could all be normal again as Lexa entertained the idea of soothing her mate, tracing fingernails over exhausted flesh until the beautiful alpha finally found rest.

Clarke giggled only to be interrupted by another hiccup. "Nooo! I didn't go to class silly!" Clarke slurred.

"Of course you did silly." Lexa threw back the tease as she approached the bed where Clarke was spread out in her clothes. "I heard you unpacking your bags when you got home." Lexa wore a soft smile as she approached the bed, sitting on the edge of it before running her palm over Clarke's cheek. The Alpha's smile quickly faded as she noticed the unnaturally severe blush combined with the slight green complexion of her mate. "Baby?"

"I don't…."

"Baby?" Lexa lifted Clarke's eyelids to reveal the Alpha's red eyes raw from… crying?

"I don't feel so good." Clarke half whined, her eyes flickering closed.

"Baby!" Lexa screamed.

"Don't feel… good. H… hurts." Clarke wretched weakly.

"Clarke!" Lexa pulled the alpha close, attempting to diagnose what was wrong.

"Fuck, I'm gonna-"

"I'll get Raven! She will know what to do!"

Clarke's body rolled as she wretched again harder.

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, no not again!" Lexa panted under her breath as she sprinted back to Raven who had just begun going back for seconds.

"Lexa… you need to make this more often!" Raven hummed, delighted with her pilfered meal.

"Raven it's Clarke! Something happened!" Lexa grabbed the omega's arm and yanked her, dragging her back to Clarke.

"What is it?"

"I don't know!"

"Uugh!" Clarke yelled into a painting heave, her head hanging off the far side of the bed.

"Jesus Christ Lexa." Raven rolled her eyes.

"What is wrong!? Will she be ok! She didn't look ok!"

"She will be fine. But she won't be happy in the morning."

"Oh fuck… eww." Clarke complained, plopping back down into the bed, wiping vomit from her mouth with her shirt sloppily.

"What is it!? What Happened!? How do you know she will be ok?!"

"Because… she is just shit faced." Raven sniffed. "And stoned I think. Can't you smell it? God, she smells like she rolled in a puddle of vodka."

"I… I don't drink."

"You met her in a bar."

"Because your alpha dragged me with her."

"Fair. But yeah, she is beyond shit faced." Raven sat down on the bed and gently slapped Clarke to try and help the alpha stir.

Clarke barked back angrily with a growl only for it to die out as her head pounded angrily, the room spinning.

"Yeah yeah, poor drunk pup."

Clarke growled again.

"How much did you drink?"

"I dono!"

"Yeah, then how much did you smoke?"

"Who cares."

"Oh, I don't know, probably your alpha who you scared the hell out of for the umpteenth time. She dragged my ass in here thinking you were dying!"

Clarke huffed drunkenly.

"So I ask again, how many drinks you have?"

"I don't know, I don't count anymore. I stopped counting a month ago."

Raven slapped Clarke again, but this time harder. "What?"

"I don't count anymore."

"Clarke?" Lexa whispered worriedly.

"Lexa, you wanna go get her some water? Maybe make something starchy? With some grease? Something to sop up the booze and calm her or her stomach for when she wakes?"

"No! I… if this has been going on for… Wait! Clarke! You said you didn't go to class! Why didn't you go to class."

"Because the bar is more fun." Clarke giggled, not realizing the fear in her alpha.

"Baby! How long has-"

"Lexa… please, go cook something for her."

"Hell no, I'm not leaving her right now! Clarke! Please answer me! Why have you been drinking!? Why haven't you been going to class! I… is this because of-"

"Lexa!" Raven yelled. "You can either help your mate or I can kick you out and you can sit on your hands doing nothing."

"This is my room!" Lexa protested.

"Lexa!" Raven demanded, clearly hiding something.

"No." Lexa's argument withered as her voice became a whisper.

"Did someone say food?" Somehow Clarke had already forgotten losing half her intestines all over the floor only a minute earlier.

"You want to help her? This is what she needs right now."

"Fine…" Lexa huffed hurting. "W… what do you want hun?"

"Mhmm, I feel like breakfast!"

"Good now go!"

"Yes, she has been so wonderfully specific!"

"Go!" Raven hissed.

"Fine fine. Eggs and bacon? Maybe with some toast?"

"Mhmmm sounds good!" Clarke purred.

Raven glared Lexa down until the alpha relented and left the room.

"What the hell is wrong with you!" Raven grabbed Clarke by the jaw painfully.

"Ouchie! Ouchie! Ouchie!" Clarke's face scrunched up as she tried to wrestle away from Raven's death grip.

"Ouchie my ass! What the hell are you doing Clarke!"

"What I have to to get through my day."

"When was the last time you went to class?"

"I dono."

"Are you fucking kicking me? Clarke!"

"Stop yelling." Clarke complained, her ears ringing, her jaw sore as she still fought the omega wouldn't let her go.

"I'm gonna keep yelling you fucking idiot!" Raven hissed, ironically no longer yelling. "You promised me you wouldn't get back into this shit."

"I can drink what I want."

"No Clarke. In fact, you can not drink what you want. I am very aware of this because I actually remember you crashing Fin's funeral. Literally crashing."

"Who cares!" Clarke roughly ripped Raven's hand away, bruising the omega's wrist, not knowing her own drunken strength.

Raven winced, pulling her hurting hand in towards her chest, attempting to protect it from another unwarranted usage of Clarke's strength. "Clarke I know I turn my eye occasionally when you have one or two… but… this isn't just one or two, this isn't even just five."

"Yeah well, I deserve at least six after what happened."

"You do realize deserving 'six' wouldn't mean you deserve six each and every day right?"

"Dear god, I'm gonna need another just to get through this conversation aren't I?"

"Clarke…"

"The answer to that one is yes." Clarke rolled her eyes before flopping over on the bed to open the cabinet of her nightstand. The alpha quickly pulled out a half-filled bottle of vodka. Clarke allowed the cap to casually fall to the ground before she took the almost comically oversized bottle, bringing it to her lips and gulping it down fast enough that Raven's throat burned just thinking of it. Somewhere amongst the third sizeable glug Raven ripped it from Clarke's lips.

The death grip of the drunken alpha returned in the same instant, Clarke clearly displeased with the theft of her bottle. "Clarke! Clarke, you are hurting me!"

"Give it back!"

"Clarke! Please!" Raven wanted to cry, her arm feeling as if it might give, but the thought that it was her friend hurting her so much worse.

"Give it back!" Clarke snarled. "I'm not a weak omega you can bully!"

Raven knew it was displaced anger and resentment that now landed on her head; or more accurately her wrist. "Please just don't drink anymore."

"I'll drink what I want, when I want."

"Clarke, Lexa doesn't need to see you like this. Please. Your mate needs to see her alpha is stronger than what's in this bottle."

"I am stronger!" Clarke huffed, finally grabbing the bottle out of Raven's hand and taking another two swigs before putting it down on the floor.

Raven fell back rolling over in the bed, clutching to her already bruising wrist. Once she found a calm place upon the bed, her eyes caught the vodka filled nightstand. At least seven bottles were still stacked up in the cabinet, most of them seemingly empty already.

"What did you want anyway." Clarke huffed.

"I told you Clarke, Lexa called me in to look at you cause she was scared. She thought you were sick again or something."

"Well, I'm not. So you can run along now… fucking mind to yourself and the kid you still have." Clarke struck.

"You are drunk." Raven reminded her sore heart, weary that her friend was so quick to strike at such a sore spot.

"Get out of my room, I prefer to drink alone."

"Yeah I know, it's why you are such a cunt of a drink." Raven huffed, letting her hurt get the best of her. "So I take it you would rather me break your Alpha's heart than actual her together the balls to do it yourself?"

"Don't you dare!" Clarke growled furious.

"She needs to know."

"It's none of her business! And it isn't your right to share!"

"You ready to get rid of your last three bottles?"

"Fuck you!"

"Exactly." Raven stood.

"Try to sober up. Lexa deserves that much." Raven hated being so cool, but she knew there was no point to being warm, that no matter what she did Clarke wouldn't hear her. Raven soldiered ok as she heard Clarke drunkenly mumble some other incredibly hurtful taunt which held just enough truth to make it sting despite any amount of preparation.

"Oh! Hey Raven. I'll be ready with her food in a minute." Lexa had buried herself into her cooking, the task clearly incredibly helpful in centering the alpha.

"Yeah." Raven paused uncertain. "Look."

"Is she ok!? What Happened! Is Clarke ok?" Lexa cast her spatula aside, ready to do whatever it takes to protect her mate.

"She… Clarke is very drunk. She isn't the nicest of drunks. Ok?"

"Ok then, I'll bring her her food and keep her feel supported." Lexa shrugged off.

"No. Clarke... She isn't… Lexa, she hurts people when she drinks, she doesn't handle it well."

"Ok then?" Lexa shrugged, setting up a plate for Clarke.

"Lexa!" Raven huffed frustrated with feeling ignored by the alpha. "She is drinking way too much. She has several empty bottles of vodka in there."

"Raven, what do you mean?" Lexa paused.

"This isn't the first time she has been drinking. After Fin died… she kinda crashed his funeral. I don't know how but I talked her down from doing some really dumb stuff."

"Like what?" Lexa inquired reflexively.

"Criminal mischief and whatever defacing a corpse gets filed as at best."

"From what I've heard? He deserved it."

"Yes, well Clarke still would have ended up in jail. Not to mention I'm sure she hasn't been showing up for school for a while."

"But she is so close to graduating."

"I know." Raven nodded worriedly.

"I…"

"You need to help her."

"Ok…" Lexa hesitated, grabbing the food she had made for Clarke.

"Lex-"

"I got it. It's ok. I'll figure it out." Lexa's expression was such a clearly cloudy paradox. It was confoundingly easy for Raven to read Lexa's emotions for the peculiar expression. The alpha held both a painful obviously severe concern, and overt worry combined with something Raven would never have expected to see on Lexa's face. Relief? How could Lexa be relieved in the slightest? Raven couldn't piece it together in the slightest, what in the world would relieve an alpha to hear that their mate was hurting, and in such desperate need of support. But there it was. With that though Raven processed the realization. Lexa was relieved to be needed. Since the day Clarke had returned she had clearly been attempting to handle this loss on her own, with only the assistance of apparently vodka. This whole time Lexa was all but shunned, pushed away, ignored when she tried to help. What would not being needed do to an alpha? Being ignored by their mate when that mate is in so much pain? This did more than just explained the small hints or relief which Lexa wore in between worry.

"You… you know she loves you? That she misses you terribly? She… she does need you Lexa. It's just that she is an alpha, and she doesn't know how to show that, especially when she feels so weak for what she has lost."

"Just because you know something… doesn't mean it isn't incredibly easy to forget." Lexa smiled softly.

"I… yeah. I understand that."

"Your friend is in good hands. I promise." Lexa offered that prideful alpha smile.

"Better be. If you hurt her."

"You know I won't."

"Yeah, well, I'm protective of her."

"I know. Me too." Lexa prepared herself, heading back towards her mate.

End of Chapter 41

Chapter Text

Chapter 42

Author's note: Enjoy my stories? Wanna help make sure I can keep a roof over my head and that I can continue to write and post these stories as much as I can? Consider checking out my socials and stuff, keep up to date on what I have going on! Link on my Tumblr: hopefulbadgerjunara

TW: not understanding no. Nothing happens, but a character has to yell to get the other person off of them. Also still TW Alcoholism

"I can't eat this! It's smiling at me!" Clarke whined, the plate sitting in her lap as she rested in bed.

Lexa couldn't help but laugh, despite feeling more than a little furious that Clarke would complain about her cooking.

"Now it's frowning!" Clarke sounded more like a child by the moment, clearly still tremendously inebriated.

"You need to eat love."

"But it's smiling again!" Clarke cheered.

"Yes, it is sweetie." Lexa sighed, sitting down next to Clarke on the bed. Snatching a slice of bacon from the plate Lexa spoke up again. "And now it's just starting at you! Ohhh! Creepy!"

"Ahh!" Clarke screamed, flipping the plate and breaking a yoke onto her blanket.

Lexa rolled her eyes, disappointed that she hadn't seen anything like this coming from feeding an incredibly drunk woman breakfast in bed. "Well, it certainly isn't smiling anymore." Lexa griped, cleaning the blanket as best she could, scooping the food back onto the plate.

"I blame you! You told me it was staring at me!" Clarke pouted.

"Yup, my fault, I should have known better." Lexa's frustrated tone went over her alpha's head.

"You look sexy when you're angry."

"What!?" Lexa yelped, it had been over two months since she had heard Clarke's wonderful voice seductively teasing her.

"I said, you look sexy when you are angry!" Clarke slapped Lexa's ass.

"Clarke!" Lexa immediately sat back down from having been fighting to clean the blanket with some napkins on all fours.

"You are drunk!"

"And you are one sexy piece!" Clarke growled loudly, grabbing Lexa and pinning her down forcefully. "I could just devour you!" Clarke growled, her inebriated state enabling her mind to switch goals again and again at the drop of a hat.

"Clarke stop!"

"Like you don't want me."

"I want you to stop!"

"Come on baby, I know you want it, you want me to lap you up, make you cum all over yourself! I can smell how bad you need it!" Clarke growled along Lexa's neck, completely oblivious to the litany of subtle and not so subtle movements Lexa made as the alpha prayed she wouldn't have to say that she didn't want Clarke again.

None of Lexa's wishes came to fruition however, the alpha atop her simply continued sniffing and licking along her, entirely ignoring whether or not Lexa wanted this. Clarke's grip even tightened, pinning Lexa harder when Lexa tried to wriggle out and fight for her freedom. "Clarke."

"I'm gonna make you feel so good."

"Clarke!"

"I like it when you fight just a little bit." Clarke purred.

"I'm not fighting just a little bit Clarke! I'm fighting a lot! Because I don't want this! Clarke! I said no! Now stop!" Lexa yelled loud enough to crack through to Clarke.

"You don't want to?"

"No Clarke! I fucking don't!"

"But I'm you're my alpha. I know you were dying for me to take you during your rut last week."

"Well that was then and this is now!" Lexa huffed. "Back then I didn't know you were drunk! And I would have hoped then that you would have cared more about consent!"

"I do care about consent!" Clarke protested.

"Well I just said no a bunch of times, and it was only after I screamed that you heard me. God Raven was right, you are a shit fucking drunk."

"I…" Clarke filled with shame, hating herself as she knew Lexa was right. She sat there, filling with her self loathing for minutes before she spoke again. "I'm sorry."

"I'm sure you are Clarke. But that doesn't make what you just did ok in the slightest."

"I…"

"You need to stop!"

"I won't do it again!"

"You know that isn't the thing I meant you needed to stop."

"I can't. I won't." Clarke huffed.

"Whatever Clarke. Can we talk about anything else." Lexa huffed, feeling violated, and disgusted with terrible thoughts which seeped into her mind. She began to feel at least in part responsible. If she hadn't shied away this wouldn't have happened. Clarke hadn't been drinking before Lexa left their room, had she? Does that make it Lexa's fault too? For leaving her mate alone to deal with this just because she couldn't handle those dismissive and hollow hurting looks. Lexa tried to force the thoughts and doubts from her mind, but almost immediately wished they were back as the predominant thoughts once Clarke spoke up once more.

"Why didn't you come to me for your rut?"

"I…" The memory alone was painful, Lexa despised that horrid heartache.

Clarke tried to grab at Lexa once more, but only got swatted away violently, Lexa had no more patience for Clarke being forceful.

Lexa stole Clarke's hand in a swift motion following her rebuffing of the advance.

"What is it?" Clarke was too drunk to understand the ideation of her alpha not wanting her, and horny enough not to care if she did.

"Why… why didn't you respond? Why didn't you come to me for my rut? Leaving me alone to endure my knot popping. Flesh tearing without you to soothe it!" Lexa did a poor job of hiding her hurt.

"Lexa."

"Did you not smell my body begging to have you as my flesh seared without my mate!? Even though I was only a room away? Or did you not care!"

"Of course I care Lexa!" Clarke snapped.

"Then why!"

"Because you had your rut… but… I didn't have mine."

"Course you didn't! Your body has been through so much!"

"It isn't just that Lexa! I! I didn't want you seeing me! Seeing me drunken! Like this!" Clarke began to cry. "Weak, giving in to… giving in to this."

"So you admit this is an issue?" Lexa placed the plate on her nightstand, opening her arms for her alpha.

"Just knowing something is a mistake doesn't make it that much easier to stop."

"Oh, sweetheart I know it isn't." Lexa forfeited on allowing Clarke to migrate into her arms on her own time and instead pulled the alpha close, cuddling her with all the love in her heart.

Clarke opened her mouth to speak but was cut off by Lexa.

"You know Costia struggled with-"

"She never drank in the book."

"Yeah, that is a work of fiction, remember?"

"I… uugh yeah." Clarke huffed.

"And alcohol isn't the only thing she struggled with."

"I didn't say I was going to stop."

"No, you didn't. But you are."

"No, I'm not." Clarke protested.

"Yes, you are."

"You can't force me to stop."

"And that is why I won't. You will stop on your own."

"Lexa, stop." Clarke slowly found a comfortable place in the alpha's arms.

"You are going to stop on your own because you are strong, and your alpha needs you."

"You can't just will me sober." Clarke yawned.

"Because I need the real you. Not the you that you are now, trying to force yourself on me, not hearing me when I rebuff you."

Clarke winced, loathing herself, still so drunk that her memory of the event was already fuzzy, and she could barely remember or understand how she had done such a thing.

Lexa gently caressed Clarke, coaxing her to relax. "You are going to stop on your own because I need my alpha Clarke."

"I'm right here. If you needed me you could have come over and knocked on my door. Hell, it is your room more than it is mine!"

"Clarke we both know you haven't been in this room since the night you got back. You have been anywhere else until you apparently crawled inside a bottle."

"I didn't!" Clarke hid her face again Lexa, a drunken shame becoming her.

"Yes, Clarke. You did. And I'm not losing another mate. Clarke… I can't lose you."

"I… I know Lexa."

"I won't force you to stop." Lexa whispered, hoping the words would soothe Clarke.

"Yeah yeah."

"But, Raven will."

"Fuck… Raven. I hurt her Lexa."

"I know. You scared her."

Clarke winced, curling tighter. "Octavia so gonna-"

"Oh, you are fucking dead and then some." Lexa chuckled.

"Can I at least have that bacon as my last meal?"

"Course love. But you know I won't let her touch you right?" Lexa grabbed a strip of bacon and brought it to Clarke's lips for her.

"I would understand if you didn't protect me. After how much I've ignored you and what I just did."

"Well the ignoring game does take two, and you did hear me eventually and stop before anything happened." Lexa acknowledged.

"Still." Clarke whimpered full of self-loathing.

"I know sweetheart. I know."

"I…" Clarke trailed off, her eyelids falling, a strip of bacon still hanging out of her mouth.

"I'm not letting you go again hun. I'm sorry I ever allowed you to slip so far away." Lexa whispered to the sleeping Clarke. She then adjusted her alpha so that no matter what she wouldn't choke on her own vomit. Once she knows Clarke was in a safe position, Lexa didn't even try to sleep, she knew there was no hope of rest, certainly not with what she had seen in Clarke still lingering on her mind. Instead of making any hopeless attempts, Lexa instead chose to get comfortable, and soothe Clarke as she shook, shifted, and shuttered in sleep, clearly enduring a litany of nightmares.

It was a hellish endeavor, sitting silently and watching on as Clarke slumbered against her, knowing from previous experience that there trying wasn't much she could do to help her mate. This decision would have to come from her, Clarke would have to choose to save herself, and all Lexa could do was stand by and watch.

End of Chapter 42

Chapter Text

Chapter 43

The initial hint of light seared through Clarke's eyes and light aflame already thudding head.

"Shh." Lexa whispered, exhausted beyond belief after a night of no sleep, constantly vigilant over Clarke. Her fingers traced drowsily on the back of Clarke's neck, gently soothing the disorientation which accompanied a hangover as best she could.

"Uugh!" Clarke groaned.

"I'm right here love."

"Fuck… I… need a drink. My head…"

Lexa's fingers froze in their place.

"W… when did you? When did you come back… back to bed?" Clarke stumbled through the words like she hadn't spoken in half a century. "I thought you were sleeping in your study."

"I was. But I came back last night. We talked for the first time in weeks love. Don't you remember?" Lexa was far from accustomed to this fear. Nothing was so nightmarish as the thought of having to watch Clarke drink herself stupid only to forget any ideation of getting sober she might have by the next night. Lexa forcibly reminded herself, that no definite decisions had made, that even by the widest of hopes it wasn't like Clarke had mad anything close to a definitive decision to stop or even slow down. But even insistent self-reminders weren't enough to tamper the comparative feeling of loss, that there must have been at minimum a hint of progress that had occurred last night which was seemingly gone.

"I… fuck… Lexa?" Clarke groaned, her stomach turning as she flipped over to the side of the bed where she had become accustomed to setting a barf bucket.

Lexa followed quickly after Clarke, pulling the alpha's hair back for her, willing to support the alpha regardless of any circumstances. "There there sweetheart." Lexa ran fingers through Clarke's hair, doing her best.

"Fuck!" Clarke yelled into another horrible heave. She could feel Lexa's loving lips lingering low on her shoulder, gracing her with more understanding than she felt she deserved after having pushed her mate away for so long.

"I'll get you some water? Ok love? Just… try not to jump right to the bottle? Ok?" Lexa did her best to catch Clarke's attention with a hand rubbing at the impossibly tense small of Clarke's back. It was everything Lexa could do not to whisper a 'poor girl' to Clarke as her alpha roared in fury that her mate was sick. She did, however, hold herself back, suspecting that Clarke would only end up feeling dysphoric. "I'll be right back love." Lexa whispered once more, standing up and rushing off, consumed with her need to find something to help her mate.

The hungover alpha was left alone to regret each and every choice she had made in her life which had lead her to yet another heinous hangover. She longed for Lexa's touch once more, everything about her biological dynamic howled out and lashed against her, even drawing tears from desert eyes as a reprise for not begging her mate to stay by her side. Her ignored inner dynamic raged. Reminding Clarke of all her pain and even worse, that which she perceived as her deepest and truest inner weakness, her dynamic refused to relent. She looked up to her nightstand, hoping to find that which gave her even the slightest of reprieve from her harshest critic. The cabinet was still open as it was left the night before, and the opened bottle still stood tall on the top.

Clarke had already wrapped her fingers around the neck of the open bottle by the time she remembered how it got there. Her memories flooded back like finding the missing link, tracing her memories all the way down the evolutionary chain.

Lexa returned with an almost intimidating gargantuan of a water bottle, even equipped with a no-spill cap. Her jaw dropped when she saw her mate.

"Lex?" Clarke whispered, now half sitting up on the bed, spinning the oversized vodka bottle in her hands.

"You didn't start already… did you?" Lexa falsified hope for half a moment.

"No, I didn't." Clarke tilted her head up gently to see Lexa.

"Are you… are you going to?" Lexa hesitated to kneel down on the side of the bed, pressing the water bottle towards Clarke however also leaning onto it for support.

"I'm sorry about last night."

"What do you remember now?"

"I remember falling asleep with bacon in my mouth." Clarke was only able to muster a smug expression for a moment before remembering the weight of her situation, and the downpour of pain that was still her hangover.

"Well… that is progress… right?" Lexa was simply striving to be some form of hopeful.

"Lexa… I hurt Raven… I … I don't even wanna say what I did to you." Clarke allowed the bottle to steal her attention back. It taunted her, reminded her how weak she was how she didn't deserve her title. No alpha runs off into a bottle and hides! No alpha is that weak! And isn't that just the perfect proof? That she had been so weak, and it was the final evidence that no matter how she saw herself, no matter who she truly was, she was still just as weak an omega as her body would suggest.

"Clarke?" Lexa repeated for the third time, snapping the alpha from her self doubt.

"Yeah, Lexa?" Clarke pried her eyes from her distorted hollow reflection in the bottle.

"As far as we go, you are fine. Just don't do it again. And for Raven? I think I might be able to cook her some pasta and earn you some forgiveness."

"And Octavia?"

"Like I said, she will have to go through me to lay a finger on you!" Somehow Lexa still being overprotective in the most perfect of ways was still something that did nothing to help the alpha still feeling weak and incapable of protecting herself.

"Yeah…"

"Look… you know all of us care more about your health than anything else. So… if you are looking for forgiveness…"

"Get sober?" Clarke filled icy, the simple thought nearly enough to push her to bring the bottle back to her lips.

"Well, yeah. We love you, and we believe in you baby." Lexa paused, reaching out. "You are stronger than this." She whispered, to Clarke's hand in hers, and pulling it softly away from the bottle.

"Lexa… I… I'm not good at this."

"At what?"

"Getting sober Lexa!"

"You don't have to be. You have your family love. You have me, Raven, Octavia, and I'd be damned if you didn't have Nyko too. Really. We have you. All you need do is ask and the three of us will run to catch you when you fall." Lexa moved closer, her voice low and loving as she made her way to plant a small kiss on Clarke's cheek.

"It isn't that simple Lexa, I can't just will myself sober." Clarke fought as her instincts forced her to press gently into Lexa's kiss.

"No, you can't. But I believe in my alpha. I need my beautiful strong girl back. The one who makes me, a strong, established alpha, roll over and beg to cum? Who makes my knees weak? Makes my pussy drip and my cock ache?" Lexa taunted lowly, kissing more at Clarke's cheek and then down her neck.

"Uugh baby, I love you, but please, please dear god don't make me think of eating pussy or sucking dick right now!" Clarke's body tensed as she fought the urge to hurl once more.

"Poor baby." Lexa hugged Clarke. "Here, you need fluids."

"I love you Lexa." Clarke hummed softly, taking the water and sipping at it, cautious not to go too fast and upset her stomach.

"I love you too baby." Lexa moved in closer.

"Six hours! Six hours, forty-two minutes! Six hours forty-two minutes and twenty-seven seconds!" Lexa's voice strained as she complained.

"There is no way in hell you counted to the second."

"I checked my watch this morning, and when I caught her.

"Hell, it's still better than Costia's first attempt. What'd she make it? Four hours?"

"And twenty-three minutes."

"You just love counting." Octavia rolled her eyes, callously popping the cap off of a beer.

"It is the only thing I can do O! I can't just force her not to!"

"Eh, fair point." Octavia shrugged, consuming a sizeable swig.

"Could you not?"

"Really?" Octavia cocked an eyebrow without lowering her drink.

"I don't know!" Lexa huffed and pounded a fist in the kitchen table.

"Well how about you figure that one out before you tell me not to drink my already open beer?" Octavia held back a growl remaining deadpan and cold, fighting not to snap at Lexa after a long day.

"Fine!" Lexa snarled.

"Look." Octavia began but paused as a loud thud came from Lexa's room.

Lexa immediately began to bolt.

"Don't."

"She needs me!"

"She is hammered. Of course, she is gonna fall down."

"She promised she would be going to bed!"

"Let me guess she also promised to stop drinking?"

"Well not in so many words." Lexa shrugged.

"I have to go check on her." Lexa insisted, pulling away.

"You took all the vodka outta her room right?"

"Yeah, but that doesn't guarantee she is ok." Lexa refused to do anything but worry as she ran back off to her room to check up on Clarke.

"Good luck." Octavia retreated back into small sips at her beer.

"Clarke? Baby? I heard you fall? What's wrong?" Lexa knocked softly at the door.

Clarke giggled back. "I fell down."

"God baby! What happened!" Lexa shook fearful after opening the door to reveal her shit-faced matte wrapped up in blankets on the floor, and an empty miniature bottle of vodka, if you could call 8 ounces miniature at least? At least, by comparison, it seemed mini.

"Hehe, you missed a bottle!" Clarke hiccuped.

"I!" Lexa sighed, feeling a failure. "Where was it?"

"In the nightstand."

"Nope! Not possible, I checked the nightstand first, I must have gotten rid of six liters of the stuff."

"You threw out my vodka!?" Clarke's eyes light up with a drunken combination of disappointment and anger.

"You told me to Clarke!"

"Oh yeaaaah!" Clarke strung her words along with the realization, chuckling to herself as she finished.

"Yeah, so where was it?"

"Where was what?"

"The bottle I missed?" Lexa brandished the bottle once more impatiently.

"Didn't I already tell you Lessaa? It was in the nightstand!"

"No! I cleared out the nightstand Clarke." Lexa strained to keep herself calm.

"You checked the cabinet of the nightstand, not the drawer." Clarke cheered, brandishing finger guns.

"Good damnit Clarke!" Lexa stomped her way back over to the nightstand, finding at least another three 'miniature' bottles stuffed away. "You told me all the vodka was… in the nightstand."

"Haha, I gotcha!" Clarke taunted, breaking Lexa's composure.

"Fucking Christ Clarke! Do you actually want to get sober! Or do you just want to play dumb games and lay on the floor a drunken mess!"

"I…" Clarke clearly was not ready for a real or a serious conversation in the slightest as her face and tone turned sour. "I didn't mean to…" Clarke teared up.

"Sure you didn't Clarke." Lexa rolled her eyes.

"Lexa!"

"Go to sleep Clarke! You are drunk." Lexa headed out, exhausted of fighting.

"Lexa please!" Clarke grabbed at her alpha's ankle.

The sober alpha growled back.

"I will be back in a bit. But for now, you need to sober up, and I need to breathe. So please, just let me go."

Clarke's grasp went limp, then her arm when slack, allowing Lexa to leave.

"Thank you Clarke. I… I'll be back in an hour or so for bed. Do you want me to wake you?" Lexa offered.

"Please." Clarke held back tears just long enough for Lexa to nod in affirmation.

Lexa too broke only moments after she closed the door behind her. Both alphas couldn't help but blame herself. At least Clarke had the comfort of her lingering buzz, and the fluffy comforter she cocooned herself in on the floor. Although it wasn't much it was of some comfort as the tears streamed, her own jumbled and fuzzy mind lashing out at her for her weakness, for not going to Lexa when she found the bottles left behind, and for not being able to stop once she had started.

Lexa crumbled the moment she closed the door behind her. The weight of her perceived duty to guard Clarke from her own weaknesses quickly growing too much to handle as she realized she would never truly be able to protect the woman she loved from the world and the vices it contained.

End of Chapter 43

Chapter Text

Chapter 44

"Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!" Raven cheered the second the odor of the simmering meal wafted her way as she entered the apartment. "Lexa you fucking goddess what is that you got cooking?"

"Shh, she is lecturing Clarke." Octavia warned, leaning back in her stool at the kitchen's island.

"God what happened this time." Raven worried, removing her jacket.

"You are showing!" Octavia attempted to retain her strong alpha demeanor, but more than a little over ecstatic excitement slipping through.

"And you are drinking?" Raven raised a judging eyebrow.

"I had a long day!" Octavia defended quickly.

"I'm sure you did but-"

"Am I not allowed to have a drink in my own home? Or do I just have to throw out all my drinks with Clarke's" Octavia spat with a quick glance to her various bottles of rather hard alcohol she had purchased years ago to have her own at home bar.

"Well! No. But-"

"Good. Because I'm not gonna."

"No one is asking you to love." Raven took a much more restrained approach. "But you know how much all of this is hurting Lexa."

"It's Clarke who can't hold her liquor, not me. And she's already got all the sympathy she is gonna get from me for a good long while."

"She didn't mean to hurt me."

"Yeah? Well, I don't mean to kill her, but sometimes accidents happen."

"O!" Raven snapped.

The alpha growled and mumbled.

"You will not hurt my best friend.

"She lays a fucking finger on you again and-"

"Stop." Raven wrapped her arms around the fuming alpha from behind.

Octavia continued grumbling.

"Hey, happy thoughts, your omega is showing." Raven reminded, gracing her lips along Octavia's neck.

Growls sweetened almost all the way to purrs.

"That's it baby."

"I am gonna eat you till you scream tonight." Octavia warned.

"What! I! Oh god baby!"

"Seeing my mate with that bump." Octavia spun around, wrapping one arm around Raven and pressing her free hand to the small hill that was her omega's core. "God, you are lucky I haven't ripped your clothes off yet!" She followed with hungry kisses, nipping at Raven's lips impatient.

"That! Ohh! That sounds nice."

"Such a good girl."

"I… but really. The… the beer." Raven fought to focus as Octavia's fingers slipped lower.

"I'm an adult, I'm allowed to drink responsibly in my own home." O deflected.

"But… oh god! You are doing that now!"

"Yup, I am."

"R! Right here in the kitchen!"

"Like my dirty little girl doesn't like the thought of getting caught."

"O! Octavia!"

"Ah and you are just so wet."

"I- I'm no… not!" Raven fought weakly.

"My soaked fingers tell a different story."

"Fucking Christ, why are you so good at that?"

"Because you are my omega, and I know just how to make you!"

"Oh! Oh! Oh! Slow down!" Raven grabbed at Octavia's arm desperately.

"That's it."

"Wanna talk bout this!" Raven fought through gasps, now unable to stop quick juts and needy rolls into the alpha's fingertips.

"I have something to talk about!" Octavia lit up. "How quickly do you think I would have you cumming apart at the seams if I actually slipped a finger inside you?"

"Don't you!" Raven panted and glared as she felt the alpha's fingers teasing at her entrance.

"But you are so wet, and you look like you need it, sooo bad."

"Fuck! O!" Raven whimpered.

"And you know just how fast I can find that spot that just makes you go-"

Raven clutched desperately at Octavia's shoulders, bruising them as she muffled screams and moans by biting her lip.

"Such a good good girl, cumming so easy." Octavia caught her mate as her knees gave out.

"Asshole." Raven griped out of breath.

"Now is that any way to talk to the woman who just gave you such a wonderful orgasm?"

"You'll live, but my panties are ruined."

"And yet somehow I'm not all broken up about it?"

"Stop drinking in front of Lexa, please? At least until Clarke is sober?" Raven fought to stand on her own once more.

"And how long is that gonna take?"

"It took her about two weeks and a half last time."

"But how long do you think it will take this time?"

"I don't know."

"How long will what take?" Lexa reentered, wiping already red and puffy eyes.

"Oh, nothing!" "How long for Clarke to get sober?" Raven and Octavia spoke over each other.

"Oh." Lexa crumbled.

"A little tact next time!" Raven glared at her mate before blushing bright burgundy, realizing that the alpha's hand was still down her pants.

"I… it's fine Raven. Don't worry. I'm accustomed to her bluntness." Lexa paused before commenting on the two all but huddled together. "You two ok?"

"Yup, just fine!" Raven yelped.

"I just needed to hold my beautiful little omega."

"Oh… ok." Lexa whimpered, still so caught in her own head filled with self-doubt, crippling feeling of being insufficient, and the weight of the world.

"Well, whatever you got cookin over there smells great! So I'm gonna go wash up before dinner."

"Yeah." Lexa agreed emptily.

"Such a shame, I'm gonna miss my favorite part, licking you off of my fingers as I make you watch." Octavia taunted her omega, removing her hand with a taunting flick at Raven's clit.

"F… fuck!" Raven moaned out, her body quivering with another round of aftershocks.

"You sure you two are ok?" Lexa checked once more, only after Octavia was already off and gone.

"Yeah."

"You, just seem, a little weary on your feet."

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just been a long day." Raven offered a smile to the distracted alpha. Feeling her knees still an unreliable source of stability, Raven decided to steal her alpha's stool. The moment she sat down she deeply regretted not running off with Octavia for at least a dry pair of panties. Wishing to distract herself she spoke up. "So, I heard you were giving Clarke a lecture?"

"It's not like she heard it."

"Yeah… she tends not to listen for at least seventy-two hours after her last drink."

"Yeah…. Wait! What! Three days!"

"Well yeah."

"Why the fuck do you say three days!"

"Because, as much as I love her, that alpha can't stand pain, and she gets terrified when the tremors come."

"Tremors?" Lexa thought back to how Clarke shook just before she asked Lexa to go out to grab them lunch, and then how she returned to see her hammered mate on the floor.

"Yeah, Clarke gets em pretty bad."

"I forgot, you've been through this before!"

"Yes. In fact, I have." Raven acknowledged.

"How did you get her to stop?"

"Me?"

"Yes you!" Lexa pressed.

"I mean I don't know that I so much got her to stop as much as told her she had a problem and was there for her when she needed support. That and I dumped all the booze she had. That helped a lot."

"How long did it take you to find it all?"

"Oh? At least a week. I was never sure if Clarke was just that good at hiding the stuff, or if she would simply frequently forget that she had left it somewhere while she was drunk and find it later.

"But that really helped that much?" Lexa hoped.

"Well yeah, but that was a couple of years ago. Back before Clarke turned 21."

It took Lexa a good couple of moments to process exactly how the new knowledge affected things. "So it won't actually do anything to help if I throw out all her vodka?" The alpha's heart sank and she attempted to hide it by redirecting her attention to the meal she had been preparing.

"I… no probably not." Raven grimace.

Lexa's hand shook as she attempted to stir her stew.

"It will be ok."

"How! How Raven! How will it be ok at all! How will any of it be ok! Clarke is drinking herself silly, and, and, and there is nothing you or Octavia, or I can do about it! I'm here alpha! I'm supposed to be able to protect her! Keep her safe!" But… I! I can't do anything."

"Lexa."

"Don't argue! You know it is true!"

"Lexa. You are doing everything you can. I know it doesn't feel like much, but it is what she needs most. As long as you are patient and loving at her side, she will get through this."

"I really hope you are right."

"I am." Raven assured.

Not long after Octavia returned and the three enjoyed their meal together, doing their best to forget about it any subtle angers, frustrations, and fears. Octavia even swapped to water after her first beer was gone for worry of concerning or stressing Lexa. Not that she didn't receive a sizeable reward in the form of her omega cuddling and nuzzling up to her happily. Raven was deeply and wonderfully appreciative of the alpha offering the hidden kindness for her friend, immediately finding a new seat in the alpha's lap and adoringly clinging to her.

Seeing her friends grow so affectionate quickly became a strong sign for Lexa, signifying to her that it was probably about time to return to her alpha and their bed. Just in case Clarke was still awake and hungry Lexa hobbled together a small bowl for Clarke. She then waived off her goodbyes hastily before any of Raven or Octavia's clothes came flying off; it was certain to happen sooner rather than later and Lexa was confident she wanted to be gone before sooner came.

"Clarke?" Lexa whispered, slipping in past the cracked door.

The still inebriated alpha turned on the floor and groaned softly, new light flooding into the room which had previously only been illuminated by her phone screen.

"Why are you still on the floor love?"

"It's comfy down here?"

"More like it's easier than slovenly shambling your way back into the bed." Lexa countered with more of a smile than was truly appropriate.

"Pretty much."

"Want some dinner?"

"Dinner sounds nice." Clarke looked up at Lexa who was now standing directly above her.

"Sit up at least then." Lexa waited for no woman as she spun Clarke and her comforter cocoon around and helped Clarke sit up, positioning her against the bed.

"Hehe, my alpha is strong."

"Yeah, mine is too, even if she hasn't been showing it so much lately." Lexa pushed the bowl into Clarke's chest with slightly more force than she had intended. "Eat up, I'm tired, and I'm pretty sure you'll need me to help you up into bed."

"I don't need you to help me with anything Lexa!" Clarke shot up to unstable feet.

"Clarke." Lexa sighed

"You know what! I don't fucking care! You wouldn't treat a fucking omega this way! And I'm an alpha! I am your alpha! But you are treating me like I'm fucking helpless!"

The next words to come out of Lexa's mouth would sear themselves into her memory as easily her greatest mistake with an immense margin. "Aren't you tho?"

End of Chapter 44

Chapter Text

Chapter 45

For the next three days, Clarke didn't even attempt to stop drinking, in fact, she threw drinks back even faster just to spite Lexa. The alpha intentionally drank herself stupid just to lash out at Lexa for her words. Worse yet, she was anything but reserved about her drinking. Clarke was deliberate in ensuring that Lexa witnessed her drunkenness and her descent. At least at first, the alpha hadn't been so verbose about it, simply sticking around Lexa and drinking herself into a deeper and deeper hole. However, after she passed her fifth or sixth drink each day? Clarke became damn right belligerent, spewing disdain soaked profanities. The alpha hurt, her only sliver of pride now tarnished, destroyed by her own actions, but all she could see was how the one woman who had always seen her as a strong and capable alpha no longer saw her as much more than a hopeless child.

Lexa took each strike on the chin, swallowing the vitriol down with her own guilt and self-loathing. Instead of lashing back she steadied herself, striving to seem solid for her hurting mate. In her eyes, it was all she could do. After having taken something so precious from Clarke? She knew exactly how much seeing Clarke as strong meant to the alpha, and she knew it when she had opened her mouth, but it slipped out anyway. It would never matter how incessantly or profusely she apologized and corrected herself the moment the words came out. Lexa knew that in Clarke's eyes the mistaken words would forever be how she understood Lexa to see her. Each day was somehow worse than the last for the regretful alpha, her resistance wore much faster than she would have hoped, that said she also would have hoped her alpha would lose steam and finally realize it was just a slip of the tongue sooner than three whole days later. No relief however came. Lexa knew why, she understood, no matter how much she wished it weren't the case, Clarke was still hurting. The alpha was still so caught up and lost in the words and their meaning. Nothing she could do or say would change that and lamentfully Clarke made this fact overtly clear to a painful degree.

The second day was infinitely worse than the first, in the same way that holding a glass of water feels easy at first but after a whole day? With no relief? It feels like carrying a thousand-pound weight. Lexa eroded, her once impenetrable stature seeming feeble. At each strike, she staggered somehow succeeding to stay together despite falling apart at the seams. All through the second day and into the third, Lexa's only saving grace had been that even if Clarke was acting like such an idiot, drinking herself slovenly towards another blackout, she was at least doing it at home. The smallest sliver of safety was of miniscule comfort, but it was something, and Lexa held to it for dear life. She prayed and prayed and prayed that it could at least give Clarke enough time to cool down and come to her senses before she got herself hurt or worse.

But then, at the end of the third day, more than ten drinks in, Clarke ran out, she ran out completely. The addict needed more, she tore apart her room, destroyed what was left of her nest, she even broke the nightstand in a fit of rage.

It wasn't until the loud thud and crack that Lexa was drawn back into their room to witness Clarke's meltdown. The alpha couldn't even stay on her feet, she tripped and fell to her knees with every third step.

"Clarke you can't walk, please lay down."

"No!" Clarke spat back infuriated. "If I lay down you'll just call me a worthless weakling again!"

"Clarke I never said that! Now please, you are beyond drunk." Lexa's restraint was waning.

"No!"

"Clarke!" Lexa pleaded, attempting to grab her mate, to help calm her.

The surprising touch startled the alpha still so caught up in her own mind. "Get the fuck off of me!" Clarke forcefully pushed Lexa off with all her weight, knocking Lexa into the wall.

Tears were forming before she knew what happened. Her head rung, light stinging as she tried to step forward realizing she had fallen to the ground. "Fuck." Lexa whimpered, the room spinning. "Baby please."

"I'm going out! I'm going to get more!" Clarke announced mostly for herself, but also to jab at Lexa once more, not realizing in the slightest what she had done, or how hard Lexa's head had cracked against the wall, leaving a gnarly hole in the drywall the shape of the back of her head.

"Clarke… please don't… not safe." Lexa whimpered, her head growing foggier as she gave into the sleep she hadn't allowed herself since she slipped and said the words that broke Clarke.

"That's it! What the hell is going on in here!" Octavia barked furious, wearing nothing more than boyshorts and a sports bra, sporting a small tent, clearly infuriated that something took her away from her omega, and apparently when things were just about to get kinky, given the handcuffs in her right palm.

"I'm going out!" Clarke announced again before attempting to push her way past Octavia.

"Woah there girl! Watch out!" Octavia grabbed Clarke not letting her past. "You're way too drunk to be going anywhere."

"I don't wanna hear it!" Clarke huffed, fighting angrily.

"You might be strong, but I'm not letting you go out right now, that isn't safe." Octavia laughed growing almost light-hearted for half a second before she spotted Lexa. "What the fuck did you do!"

"Let me go!"

"Lexa are you ok!?" Octavia cried out worried.

"Uugh?" Lexa stirred, almost able to wake to her name rousing her. "Clarke?"

"Fucking Christ Clarke! What did you do!" Octavia snapped.

"Let me go!"

"That's it!" Octavia lifted Clarke with ease, picking her up and plopping her down on the bed, cuffing her down to ensure she could not escape.

"You have no right! Let me go!"

Octavia had not even a single one-thousandth the patience Lexa had for the drunkard's shit. In one swift motion, she slapped the drunk right off Clarke's face.

The alpha was stunned, caught up on the shock of being struck so suddenly, the rush of adrenaline sobering her even if only for a moment. "Wha-"

"That's it! I'm done with your shit!"

"Huh?"

"Look at me!" Octavia demanded, taking Clarke's jaw forcefully. "You need to stop!"

"I don't wanna." Clarke huffed offhandedly.

"Really! Look at what you did!" Octavia forced Clarke to look to Lexa, still passed out and collapsed.

"I… I!"

"Yeah you did. Now get your fucking act together! In the meantime, I'm gonna go take her to resident doctor. You better hope she is ok. Because whatever happens to her, it's your fault. She needed her alpha and you weren't there! You just struck and struck and hurt her!" Octavia released Clarke's head furious.

"I!" Clarke attempted to speak up as she watched Octavia leave for her friend, helping her up.

"You know! I once really thought you were an alpha! Willing to put your mate above all else. Now I'm not really sure."

End of Chapter 45

Chapter Text

Chapter 46

"Get up!" A firm kick jostled the bed.

"Huh?" Clarke stirred.

"Get up!" Octavia quickly gave up on being any semblance of being nice and simply kicked Clarke herself this time.

"What?" Clarke snapped back still half asleep, her cuffed arm and kicked leg throbbing dually with pain.

"Get the fuck up!"

"Let me sleep!" Clarke tried to turn over, her arm yanking her back. She cried out in pain, feeling in her hungover stupor like her arm we're about to be ripped from its socket.

"Fucking deserve it, you dumbass." Octavia kicked again, but slightly lighter.

"Stop it!" Clarke snapped, her head pointing from the strain of yelling.

"You get your ass up on I'mma stop giving you love taps!"

"Uugh! What do you want Octavia!" Clarke barked, sitting up, her cuffed hand fighting the metal gripping at her flesh.

"Better now get the rest of the way up."

"I can't, I… something is… I'm cuffed here?" Clarke grumbled confused

"Yes you are and for good reason." Octavia paused just long enough for Clarke to attempt talking, but Octavia simply talked over her. "Now if I uncuff you are you gonna keep your damn hands to yourself?"

"Good reason!? What the hell happened last night! God, I need a fucking drink!" A firm hand struck Clarke's already sore face.

"You are fucking done drinking!" Octavia simmered, ready to take off Clarke's head.

"Fucking Christ! What the hell is wrong with you!"

"Do you even know what you did!?"

"I… no, but that happens when you blackout drinking." Clarke rolled her eyes, not realizing the weight of the situation until it dawned on her who was missing. "Wait? Where's Lexa?"

"That ring any bells?" Octavia pointed fury filled towards the wrecked drywall.

"Oof! Fuck, is that why my head hurts? I must have hit that wall hard." Clarke laughed off, incapable of recalling what she had done.

"Try again." Octavia growled through gritted teeth.

"Octavia, I don't know, my head hurts, I'm hungover, and I'm starving. Please just uncuff me?"

"You!" Octavia restrained herself from striking Clarke again. "You!"

"I what O?" Clarke pushed.

"You hurt Lexa! That is your fault! When I walked in last night Lexa was on the ground! Bleeding! Because of you!"

"No! No. No…" Clarke's yell quickly petered out into a hollow whisper.

"You! Her alpha! You are supposed to protect her! Not hurt her!"

"Is she ok! Where is Lexa! I need to see her!"

"No you fucking don't! And you sure as hell won't! Not till you are sober!"

"Where is she!"

"I sent her and Raven out! I don't feel comfortable having them in the same building as you!" O snarled.

"What! Octavia! That is ridiculous! I would never hurt them!"

"Really? Because Raven was giving Lexa stitches last night with wrists still bruised from your drunken bullshit!"

"No!"

"Yes Clarke!"

"No! That can't be-"

"Clarke you are spectacularly lucky that you aren't waking up in a fucking jail cell!"

"No." Clarke whimpered, suddenly having to face the grimmest of realities.

"Lexa swore up and down that you just needed some time, that you would realize what was wrong and fix it yourself! But I'm done fucking waiting, especially when every day your idiotic drunk ass is threatening my family!"

"Octavia… w… what do I do?"

"First?" Octavia softened, undoing the cuffs.

Clarke nodded, rubbing her chafed and bruised wrist.

"First you are helping me fix the damn hole you made. Cause apparently I didn't teach you enough about being a GOOD alpha."

"I… m n… a… alpha." Clarke mumbled.

"Just because you are an alpha doesn't mean that you are a good one." Octavia huffed.

"I… I'm not an alpha" Clarke's shattered spirit seeped out of her slowly.

"What the hell are you talking about Clarke?" Octavia rolled her eyes.

"I'm not an alpha."

"Yes you are Clarke, and you've been a right stick in the mud about drilling it into my head, now get your shit together and help me fix the wall you broke." Octavia plopped bags filled with drywall fixing supplies on the bed next to Clarke.

"I… hurt Lexa… my mate… I… how can I truly be an alpha? I should have protected her."

"Then pick your damn self up and be the alpha my best friend deserves, before I have to slap some damn sense into you again!"

Clarke flinched.

"I… sorry." Octavia deflated.

"I… hurt her."

"Yeah, you did. Now you can either wallow or fix it."

Clarke sniffled.

"What's it gonna be?"

"I… I…" Clarke stuttered, her pounding head fighting her as she wrestled with her guilt.

"Clarke." Octavia sighed, placing her hand on her friend's shoulder. "Please. Lexa needs her alpha. And I need you to be the alpha she deserves."

"How can I?"

"By being better. First, you get your ass sober."

"Then what?"

"Then? Then you beg her for her forgiveness, plead with her to give you another chance. She loves you, so she will give you as many chances as you need."

"I… thank you."

"That said if you hurt her again? No one will find your body."

Clarke giggled softly.

"Yeah. No. You are lucky you are alive after what you did to her. I will enjoy ending you if you hurt my best friend again."

"Thank you O." Clarke hugged the alpha.

"Now, here's a glass of water, and aspirin. It will help you get yourself together enough to start stepping forward."

Clarke looked up hopeful before throwing back the aspirin and guzzling down the water far too fast only to end up puking once more. Octavia was uncharacteristically empathetic and patient with Clarke, helping her out, and assuring she stay hydrated.

It was another hour before Clarke got stable enough to stand. Not that Octavia didn't off and on consider forcing the alpha to begin fixing the wall while sitting on a bucket, but in the end, she decided to give Clarke the time she needed to sober up and rehydrate. When the alpha finally got herself together, Octavia moved to her next step and urged her to assist in the fixing of the wall.

"Why do we have to do this right now? My head is still pounding." Clarke complained.

"Because, it's cathartic to fix something, especially with your hands." Octavia plopped two buckets upside-down, kicking one to Clarke before sitting on her own.

"Yeah, but catharsis can wait, can't it?"

"You ever want Alexa to come home?"

"Of course I do!" Clarke snapped.

"Good. Because I'd like something positive to tell her when I go see her later."

"You are going to see her?"

"Yes, mix." Octavia ordered, thrusting a small tub into Clarke.

"Ok." Clarke huffed, following instructions as Octavia started sanding along the edges of the hole.

"Where is she?"

"I'm not giving you an address Clarke."

"I'm asking to know she is safe and comfortable." Clarke growled softly.

"She wanted to go see her aunt and uncle, and when she said she would go, I asked her to take Raven with her." Octavia paused, catching the glare Clarke cast her way. "I didn't want her here while you were getting your act together. I needed her to be safe." Octavia straddled the border, but she refrained from saying 'safe from you Clarke'. But she didn't have to say it. Clarke understood, she knew what she had done, even if she didn't remember it well or at all. The worst part? She knew Octavia was right, that keeping those Clarke loved most away from her was for the best.

"Ok." Clarke nodded attempting to hide how much it hurt.

"I will bring them home when you are ready."

"I understand."

"I… I… well good." Octavia expected much more of a fight.

"Is she ok?"

"Raven's wrist is still a little purple."

"I…"

"Yes. Lexa is fine. She hit the wall hard, but she doesn't have a concussion or whiplash."

"Ok." Clarke kept her rage and self-doubt, her swirling sandstorm striking at her bare flesh, uncovered and no longer numbed by the alcohol her mind and body craved so terribly all trapped inside her mind. She refused to allow it to slip out, to strike out at Octavia like she had been striking at Lexa for days.

"Uugh. Good." Octavia hesitated, unable to tell exactly what was storming behind those bloodshot eyes, but still relieved and surprised that she didn't have to fight any more than she already had.

"You are doing it differently this time?" Clarke noted, still stirring.

"Well, this hole is a lot bigger than the last one. I can't just throw some gunk in it and leave it to dry. This one will take more work, and a little more care to patch up." Octavia's eyes met Clarke's, pleading with her to listen.

Clarke nodded back listening. "What about the sandpaper? Why are you standing at the wall?"

"I need to strip down what is there before we move on to the next step and fix it. I have a patch I'm gonna put on here. But if I don't put in the work and sand this coat of paint off first? It will just slip off later, revealing the hole behind it."

"Thank you."

"You needed someone to slap the shit outta you. Not gonna lie, it was even kinda fun. So, your welcome?"

Clarke nodded back begrudgingly.

"She loves you so much." Octavia offered to the hurting alpha. "Just stay tough. Make it through and she will be back home before you know it."

"I will."

"Good. Now give me that epoxy."

End of Chapter 46

Chapter Text

Chapter 47

With the hole patched, Octavia dragged Clarke out to the kitchen to take some pity on her in the form of prepping her some breakfast. Clarke took gratefully to not having to focus on anything and being allowed to close her eyes and seal off the searing light. She savored each moment where she could rest without something seemingly striking her stressed senses. Sadly, such sweet serene seconds were fleeting for the alpha as she began to shake. Her head shot up, angry and frustrated. She tried to stop it, to steady herself, but her hands only shook worse. She despised this, the first sign that things would get worse, that the searing headache and everything feeling like hell as all she needed was another sip to help soothe the withdrawal.

Clarke needed that sweet release, the artificial relief that came with numbing one's senses through the vile liquid. Witnessing this revelation once more felt even more crushing than it had each and every other time she had momentarily decided it was time to stop, only to immediately be crushed by the overwhelming unwieldy heft of such realizations; what getting sober truly meant; facing not only the withdrawal, feeling weaker even than in her heats! But it also meant facing all that which she drank to forget. Fears of being weak, being a poor alpha, incapable of providing for her mate, her sweet scent vs the more earthy tones which alphas customarily produced. But then there were the worst things, those which she hadn't spent her whole life striving and succeeding to sprout bloodstained armor to cover the weaknesses others would call 'thin skin'. Her pregnancy, how she loathed it at first, but found such profound pride and delight in knowing… falsely believing she could be a mother. With that thought, Clarke's first wall of will yielded. The alpha still mourning allowed her eyes to snap up to the liquors Octavia had brought with her when she moved in. Bottles adorned what were once mostly empty shelves sparsely populated with Lexa's homemade flavored oils, syrups, and various vinegars. Such simpler sauteing supplements had since been shunned to the side of the shelving, a gracious offer from the beautiful alpha who had warmly welcomed them all into her home just to have Clarke close. The thought struck strong with guilt at Clarke, seeming to remind her how wonderful the alpha she loved was, and how all she had done was punish, shun, and push away the loving woman. Bourbon, Gin, Scotch, Tequila, Vodka, Clarke read them each off in her own head like longing for lost friends. She wanted them, she needed them! Desperately! Anything that would make the screaming just fucking STOP!

"Don't."

"W- What?" Clarke stuttered.

"Stop Clarke."

"Stop what?"

"I know you are staring down my booze."

"I…" Clarke fought back weakly. "But you have your back to me!"

"Yeah, but you are hungover, and reading under your breath, a lot less quiet than you think. So… Just don't. The answer isn't on that shelf ok?" Octavia growled frustrated that she was somehow the one giving Clarke this talk. It wasn't that Octavia didn't want to help her friend, she just knew she wasn't good at it, that Lexa was always the one who could get through to Croatia, and that Raven had successfully talked Clarke down from drinking once before.

"I… Sorry." Clarke sighed.

"Don't be, I'm glad I noticed." Octavia offered, attempting to show some support. "You know you aren't doing this on your own right Clarke?"

"Thanks O." Clarke sighed, her heart sinking slightly. "But I think I should."

"And why's that?" Octavia spun around, dropping two plates down and then sliding eggs and bacon onto them. "Eat up, you need your strength, especially if you are gonna beat this."

"Thanks. I… You got anything we can talk about? I could kinda use the distraction."

"Yeah, I got something. What's going on with you and school? It's been two months since your…"

"The abortion performed on me without my permission?" Clarke scowled as she scooped up some eggs on her fork with a striking casualty for the serious look she wore.

"I… Yeah." Octavia sighed. "Raven told me you got a small reprieve for being in the hospital, but she is worried for you. I won't forgive you if you don't walk with her asshole."

"I…" Clarke felt her throat swell up and seal shut in fear.

"She has been so excited about graduating with you Clarke!"

"I! I don't know that I won't be! I messaged my professors for the assignments and aside from final projects I'm not too far behind!"

"Yeah, but how many of your projects are late or already missed entirely."

"J… just a couple." Clarke averted her eyes shamefully.

"You need to reach out, explain to your professors what happened!"

"I did!" Clarke jumped to assure. "At first… And I didnt miss all of those classes! I was still going at first! But these past two weeks… I've been too drunk to show up."

"Yeah." Octavia sighed. "Well I'm glad you aren't the whole two months behind. But you need to get your ducks in line. Raven needs you too ya know?"

"I… I know." Clarke lowered her head shamefully.

"Aww buck up bu-"

"Call me butter cup while I'm this hungover and you'll actually have a reason to never forgive me."

"Butcher cup?" Octavia winced. "Ya know cause your-"

"You are lucky you are gay too." Clarke snapped softly as she moved to devour her bacon.

"Here." Octavia whipped around, quickly grabbing Clarke both a regular bottle of water, and an electrolyte supplemented semi-sport drink. "Look, I'm sure neither of them will sate the cravings, and probably not the tremors either, but it will help a bit with the hangover." Octavia paused to survey the beyond worn down alpha. "Look you can use all the help you could get."

"Ah, thanks, I'm so proud to see that you have so much faith in me." Clarke quipped but took the water with a hint of gratitude all the same.

"Yeah, yeah. Raven needed me to ask for her."

"Tell her I'll figure it out one way or another."

"Really?" Octavia tested, unwilling to relay a lie to Raven, especially one like this which could break her poor little Raven's heart.

"I will find a way to walk with her, ok?" Clarke pushed.

"Good!" O emphasized.

"I'll steal some poor girl's cap and gown if I have to.

"You fucking better. I don't want Raven to be all anxious about walking alone with such a big bump."

Clarke gave an irritated glare.

Octavia attempted to wait an appropriate amount of time before she spoke up. "Are you mad at her?"

Clarke's choking on air served one point, to show Octavia that she had not waited enough time for the question.

"Raven is scared Clarke! She doesn't know how to ask you that!"

"I know. That doesn't mean that I'm prepared for you to ask it!" Clarke tried to regulate her coughing.

"Well?!"

"I… Well I'm not mad. But that doesn't mean that being around her right now doesn't hurt."

Octavia already knew the answer, and it was, in fact, the exact same thing she had been telling Raven for weeks, but that didn't change that her instinctive reaction was to growl at the idiocy of the idea.

"I know, I know. It would be better for both of us if I dealt with my issues and was there for my friend again, cause we need each other?" Clarke attempted to ease Octavia's growls.

"Yes!" Octavia rose her voice more than she intended.

"Ouuch!" Clarke covered her sensitive ears with a slight dramatic flair.

"Yeah, yeah." Octavia worried.

"I will spend some time with her after I get my shit together ok?"

"Much appreciated." Octavia cheered, checking her watch and hastily huffing down what was left of her breakfast.

"What's the rush?"

"I have to head out soon."

"I… You are gonna leave me alone?"

"You are a big girl, not to mention an alpha. You can be left alone for a couple hours."

"I… but."

"Clarke, you can't be supervised for the rest of your life, and even if the three of us could constantly babysit you, it doesn't prove that you would be incapable of relapsing. The best the three of us can do is be there for you when you are ready to really get sober."

"I'm ready."

"Good, I'd love to see you staying tough when I get back. Anything I can get you while I'm out?"

"Water? Chocolate? Migraine meds to deal with headaches?"

"You got it." Octavia nodded along, grabbing her purse.

"Where you going? Work?"

"I'm going to see Lexa."

"You are going where?!"

"Well, Lexa and Raven." Octavia shrugged.

"Oh." Clarke retreated within herself.

"What?" Octavia stopped short of heading out.

"Don't bring her back. Not yet."

"Wasn't planning to, but why not?" Octavia dropped her purse, captive in the request.

"Because… I… I don't think this is the first time I hurt her."

Octavia nodded along politely, allowing Clarke to continue.

"O… I don't think this is the first time I hurt her."

"Yeah?"

"Octavia, for days I have been drinking myself into oblivion in front of her all so that I could have an excuse to yell at her."

"I know Clarke."

"It isn't even just that. I haven't been there for her! She lost her child too! But-" Octavia's hand landed reassuringly on Clarke's shutting her up.

"Then fix it. Be there for her when she comes home. Because that's what she needs."

"I know. But she can't come home yet. I don't know what I will do while I'm still in withdrawal. I'm afraid I will hurt her."

"I believe in you Clarke." Octavia assured with a soft squeeze before heading off.

End of Chapter 47

Chapter Text

Chapter 48

This chapter isn't a political statement of any kind, I just thought we needed some comic relief.

"Oh god, why does this blanket smell so good?" Raven purred on the couch, damn near burying her face into the fabric with moans that would lead anyone else to believe that she was in a heat.

"Quite the 'comforter' huh?" John wiggles his eyebrows.

"Its a blanket not a comforter?" Raven questioned, still balling it up to breathe it in.

"Mhmm, you aren't getting it." He smiled wider.

"I get it just fine, but it is a blanket, not a comforter." Raven wore a frown hidden against the blanket.

"Don't you feel comforted?"

"Oh fuck you!" Raven growled for only half a moment before devolving into purrs, the earthy scent of the blanket calming the fury spawned by the terrible pun.

Both Indra and Lexa broke out into snickers from the kitchen table watching over the omegas.

John was beyond delighted.

"You are the worst." Raven complained, only to get caught up in the odor once more.

"It is great tho right?"

"Yeah." Raven purred. "I… Its like alpha, but… even though it's not my alpha it's not threatening."

"Indra got that blanket for me while I was pregnant and she had to go on a business trip."

"I know the beautiful little hippy I married." Indra hummed.

"It helps huh?"

"So much!" Raven agreed with John cheerfully.

"Good, I know it can be hard being away from your alpha when you are this far along." John empathized.

Raven moved to hug the older omega.

"Aww there there kiddo, I know how bad it can be."

"Thank you. I… I know it hasn't been very long, but I just miss Octavia so bad."

"Hey, sniff the blanket." John urged

"Mhmm. God, what is that?" Raven mused. "God, its… like earthy and home! It isn't Octavia, but it is such a sweet substitute. What is it!"

"You gonna tell her or should I? Hippie!" Lexa teased her aunt.

"Ms. Doc over there? Nope."

"God it's nice, what is it!?" Raven rejoiced.

"Well, it's hemp fabric."

"Hemp?"

John nodded.

"Whats hemp?"

"Oh god." Lexa hid her face into her hands.

"You did not tell me that your friends were THIS sheltered."

"What is it?" Raven lifted her head, keeping the blanket up to her nose.

"Lexa, please tell me you aren't as sheltered as your friend." Indra hoped aloud.

"Costia taught me my fair share about the hemp." Lexa sighed. "Not to mention, Clarke apparently indulges in it on occasion. And other vices… less occasionally."

"Vices?" Raven's head spun around. "Clarke? What does Clarke have to do with this?"

"But the reason it has kept the scent is that I wash and rinse it with some cannabis oil once every six months or so."

"Cannabis!" Raven recoiled, feeling dirty and like she had broken so many rules all at once. "I'm breathing in cannabis oil!?"

"Yeah, nothing is quite as earthy and calming like it!" John picked up the other end of the blanket, sniffing it as well.

Raven threw the odorous blanket, backing away from it on the couch like it were a rabid animal. Even as she scooched away slowly, her eyes stuck, glued to the fabric. She silently questioned its existence, and then her own incredulousness towards it. It was absurdly comfy. Raven poked, peculiarly prodding at the protective fabric, attempting to unveil its secrets and parse out whether or not she should, in fact, be so apprehensive of the simple blanket "I!" Raven whimpered, still feeling awkwardly guilty, but also not quite ready to give up the comfort of the scented fabric.

"That's an omega." John patted the stressed Raven on the shoulder, doing his best to comfort her.

"So, wanna explain why you two showed up here at two in the morning with your friend and her alpha? Or why the two of you needed a place to stay?" Indra's tone was hushed, protective and clearly not wanting to allow her omega to overhear or worry himself.

"I've really been striving to avoid it."

"Then you wanna explain why I smell blood on you?"

"I…" Lexa stalled, glancing to the couch where the omegas rested.

"They will keep themselves occupied with the blanket. But it is time you tell me what is going on. Why isn't that alpha of yours with you?"

"Indra… There is a lot I haven't told you."

"Yeah. I figured, you've barely called in months, and when you do it's never for more than five minutes." Indra lead.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. Just talk to me."

"Clarke… she lost her baby."

Indra grabbed her niece up in a hug. "I'm so so sorry Lexi."

Lexa held to her aunt tight, desperate for even the smallest hints of physical reassurance which her alpha hadn't given her in months; not since she had come home from the hospital. "Indra that isn't it."

Indra nodded softly and patted her niece on the back gently.

"It's my fault."

Indra pulled back, her stern finger flying up correctively. "No, it isn't!"

"Yes, it is Indra."

"Don't you dare say that Lexa!" Indra growled harshly.

"Indra." Lexa protested.

"No!" The older alpha hushed a yell. "After John and I lost… after we lost him, I blamed myself-"

"Indra! You don't understand!" Lexa snapped, drawing the attention of the omegas.

"Lexa?" Raven whispered, slightly scared by the tone.

"Lexi, Indra, how about you two hold down the fort here, I'm sure Raven needs some sleep."

"I don't need-"

"You are growing a child, rest will help make sure they come out healthy. Come now, they need some space."

"I…" Raven went to protest, but yawned, her body reminding her how tired she was after having not been able to sleep all night, overly worried for Clarke. "Fine."

"Good." John exchanged concerned glances with Indra as he escorted Raven off to the guest bedroom.

"You need to get yourself the hell out of this hole Lexa! It doesn't go anywhere good!"

"I know exactly where the fuck it goes Indra!" Lexa slammed her fist down on the kitchen table. "But that doesn't change that I am the one who chose this! I told the doctors to do whatever they had to in order to make sure Clarke is safe and isn't in any danger anymore!"

"Lexa! Lower your voice!"

"Indra. She is falling apart, and it is my fault."

"Lexa… what happened?"

"That isn't your fault Lexa."

"Even if it isn't, it doesn't change that Clarke is almost completely gone, swallowed up by her bottles of vodka, and it only happened after I made that decision for her."

Indra's head sunk.

"What?"

"Lexa, how we treated your cousin isn't the only thing we haven't told you."

"What?" Lexa repeated, her more urgent tone slipping to fear.

"I made mistakes Lexa. I used whatever vices I could to deal with the guilt, and… When John tried to stop me, I hurt him. But it certainly wasn't an accident like this sounds to be."

"I… Indra."

"Losing your child as an alpha…" Indra trailed off. "Well, it is no excuse. But I was lucky enough that John forgave me."

"What… what made you come to your senses? Stop, and never hurt him again?" Lexa choked out, more afraid for Clarke's well being than heroin.

"He came home, I saw the fear on his face, and… I never turned back, I've done everything I can to make it up to him since."

"I really hope the same helps for Clarke."

"Me too sweetie. But if she hurts you again, I'll kill her."

"Thanks auntie." Lexa hugged Indra tight

"That said, if things get better, I have an idea of how I might be able to help, especially with you two having a hard time facing each other after all that has happened."

Lexa nodded hopeful into her loving aunt, fighting back her fears that there would be no 'things getting better' as hard as she could.

"Psst. Cutie."

Raven still hadn't opened her eyes when she felt the alpha's nose against her neck. "What?" She drowsily roused for her mate above her.

"I missed you so bad last night." Octavia nipped gently at Raven's neck.

"I'm dreaming." Raven dismissed, refusing to open her eyes, even as Octavia's soft hair brushed against her face making her giggle.

"Nope, you are awake." Octavia corrected, placing her hand reassuringly on Raven's round belly.

The omega hummed softly at the warmth of her mate's palm. "No. I'm sleeping, but this is a really nice dream."

"Oh really? And why are you so certain that you are sleeping?"

"Because, my alpha is still home, watching over Clarke."

"Well wake up sleeping beauty, because your alpha is here." Octavia found Raven's lips with her own.

The omega missed her mate terribly, her instincts making her melt at such a simple touches. She couldn't help but allow her lips to part happily for the sire of her child, kissing back eager.

"That's my girl." Octavia praised softly, rubbing Raven's belly slowly.

"Don't you dare get me wet in someone else's bed." Raven growled.

"Well, then you ought not to be giving me such delightful ideas sweetheart." O mused, nipping at Raven's lower lip and pulling it seductively.

Raven moaned softly into the tease, only to have it slip to a whine as she felt the alpha's hand slip lower. "B! Bad!"

"Bad what honey?" Octavia's voice was the perfect combination of sweet and seductive.

"Don't you…" Raven kissed back, desperately missing her mate.

"Don't I what?" Octavia enjoyed herself far too much.

Raven growled angrily.

"Come now love, It's time to go home."

"Home?" Raven broke from any further attempted kisses. "But… What about Clarke?"

"Don't worry sweetheart." Octavia caressed Raven's cheek softly.

"Don't worry!? How in the world could I ever not worry?!" Raven sat up, no longer lackadaisically resting back and awaiting her alpha's kisses. No, now all of the fear which had kept her so wound up that she couldn't sleep all night was back with a vengeance, and not even her alpha's presence was helping this time. "After what she did to Lexa last night!? Octavia how do I have to remind you that my wrists are still purple from trying to keep her bottle away from her!"

"I know love."

"And then you come back from telling them to stop yelling at each other and the next thing I know, I have to check Lexa for a concussion!"

"Raven I know!"

"So how can it be ok? How can anything be ok?!"

"Ra-"

"I mean, maybe if a week had passed, maybe if Clarke was sober again! MAYBE! But it has only been a day! How can everything be ok already?"

Octavia didn't try to speak again, more than aware that Raven's anxiety would rule any further conversation she might fight to have if she didn't do something to help soothe the omega first. So instead of speaking, Octavia pulled Raven close, holding her tight.

The pregnant omega quickly began to pant, sniffle, then cry into her mate. She had once thought being there and watching as her childhood friend struggled to stay sober was hard, but witnessing it again, somehow worse this time, and while pregnant? Although she was proud of being a self-sufficient woman, more than able to take care of herself, today? Today Raven needed her alpha, she needed her alpha desperately. Every part of her needed those strong arms wrapped around her. Her alpha's warmth was that sole immutable sign of stability and strength, that even as her world devolved into a hell of an alcoholic best friend, sprinting for finals, and her own body changing around, down, and within her, there was still something… someone she could really on to be the same, stable and strong, always there and ready to protect her.

"That's it, there you go sweetheart. Breathe love. Cry it out. You are safe love."

"O!" Raven clung tighter in appreciation.

"Shh. Let it out." Octavia traced her fingers along Raven's back lovingly.

The omega allowed herself to cry, accepting the comfort of her mate.

"That's a girl. Breathe."

"T… thank you."

"It's ok."

"But, how? How is she ready for us to come home?"

"She is. She just is."

"What Happened?"

Octavia urged Raven to sit up, a more serious face becoming her.

"What is it Octavia?" Raven mimicked her alpha's demeanor as she sat up against pillows on the bed.

"Look. No, she isn't over it yet. Hell, she is probably still a little buzzed from how drunk she was last night. But." She took her mate's hand. "She said something to me, and… I think she is actually ready to get sober. Not because she has to, not cause someone is pushing her, and not because she is just too young to go get more booze. She is ready to get sober cause she realizes what she did. She wants to better."

"I mean that is good but what did she say? What convinced you so quickly that she was ready? That she had such a change of heart?"

Octavia chuckled. "You aren't gonna like it."

"What did she say?"

"She told me not to take you and Lexa home."

"You are right! I don't like it! If she said to keep us away then I shouldn't come home. I love and miss you, but that isn't a reason to do exactly what Clarke told you not to."

"I know love." Octavia massaged Raven's hand gently. "But please, just trust me, ok? I know what I'm doing ok?"

Raven sighed dubious.

"She is ready. She needs her family. You don't have to come home yet. I'm sure Lexa's aunt and uncle will be happy to keep you safe. But I am taking Lexa home."

"You really think she is ready?"

"I do love. I really do."

"Ok baby." Raven kissed Octavia's cheek. "Let's go home."

End of Chapter 48

Chapter Text

Chapter 49

Clarke had done her best to distract herself since Octavia had left. She began with reaching out, messaging each teacher she had with attempts to reach out to and make up for any missed work. To the alpha's dismay, none of her teachers replied with any amount of haste. Not that it was much of a surprise, especially given that it was still before noon on Saturday morning. After twenty minutes of repeatedly refreshing her email inbox, Clarke hopped up off of her bed in a huff. She paced across the whole apartment impatiently, trying to do anything to keep her pounding head away from the thoughts of alcohol! Alcohol! Booze! Vodka! Anything to take the edge off. Her fingers even twitched when she remembered she had a couple grams of pot stocked away in a hidden compartment of her jewelry box. She couldn't help but pant frustratedly as her finger mimicked flicking a lighter. Next, she realized that her breath had begun actively mimicking the breaths she would be taking if she were smoking. "Fuck! No! Don't, don't, don't! Just Don't!" Clarke lashed out at herself. But even yelling until her voice went would do nothing to soothe the impulses and urges which reduced to quiet within her hepatic head. Her anxious twitches and incessant thoughts only grew louder as time passed. Along with everything else her headache and shaking worsened. Clarke did her best to focus on anything else, but her aching mind fought back, drawing her back to how her pain was only growing.

Somehow she ended up back in the kitchen, feverishly downing glass after glass of water all as an attempt to make herself sick. A simultaneous attempt to rehydrate and to disgust herself with the idea of ingesting anything else. Her plan worked a little too well as she ended up puking her breakfast up into the sink only minutes later. Although her stomach surely now detested the idea of consuming anything, her head struck back with a vengeance. Her headache amplified severely, driving her back into bed. She hoped returning to the plush blankets and pillows of her bed would do something to soothe her pounding mind.

Clarke however still couldn't find much relief, her head and still turning stomach kept her rolling back and forth on the bed, painfully awake, and focused on any and all substances which could soothe her aches. She screamed furious with her own weakness.

Curling up tighter into a ball Clarke fought to hold herself together, her thoughts incessantly ruminating on how much she needed to drink, to smoke, to anything which would allow her to escape her weaknesses. Her nightmare however only worsened, cravings and self-doubt growing to an unignorable level. She truly began to despise herself as she rose from her bed, heading back towards the kitchen, thoughts of all the various drinks Octavia had adorning the kitchen shelf. Her heart sunk the moment she could see the bottles. Clarke knew what it would mean to pick up that bottle; If she gave in? Her hand shook most dramatically as she reached out, her fingers wrapping around the neck of the bottle hesitantly.

With one final hope to recover a modicum of restraint, she released the bottle, pulling her hand back. "I can't. I can't do this. I hurt Lexa." Clarke reminded herself, tears falling. The alpha clung to the horrid knowledge, rallying around it each time her eyes flickered back towards the bottles seemingly staring her down. "Ok Clarke, just! Just stay busy! Yes? Yes! Stay busy Clarke. That's it! Just need to stay busy!" Clarke hyped herself up, attempting to stay focused on her main goal. Spinning around Clarke's eyes darted from surface to surface, item to item, desperate to find something to help occupy her mind. "Just gotta keep going. Just one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time." Her mind had already begun snapping back to things she would rather not think of. "Come on Clarke, you can do this. Come on!" She growled angrily to herself. Attempting to focus herself, Clarke attempted a grounding technique that Raven had taught her during her psych internship with the hope of helping mitigate the effects of Clarke's anxiety. "Ok, ok, ok. Five things I can see? Uugh!" Clarke's eyes snapped back to the bottles "Let's not just count the boose? Yes, umm! Stove, chair, dirty dishes, sofa, Raven's bra…" Clarke got a soft snicker out of the sight of Raven's bra casually stuck in between the couch cushions. "She really needs to get Octavia to learn till they get back to their room to start stripping her." Clarke took two deep breaths before continuing. "Four things I can touch. Ok, ok. Cold granite countertop, soft chair cushion, hard metal chair, and smooth spoon I left out from breakfast." Her breaths calmed further, her fingers calming as she slowly slid her fingers along each surface, doing her best to actually experience their texture as she did. "Uugh, hearing now! Clock ticking, faulty faucet dripping, and… the next door neighbor's tv. They should really turn that down if I can hear that in here." She grumbled. "Now smell? Well certainly Lexa's rut, it's still clinging in the air from her going unsatisfied. And? Raven. I can smell Raven's pregnant scent." Clarke whimpered, knowing she had hurt her friend, and while she was pregnant of all times!? Guilt only took Clarke over tor a moment before she decided on what she would do to keep her mind busy.

The alpha scurried back and forth across the whole apartment, her arms beyond overflowing with various articles of clothing, pillows, blankets, and even a couple stuffed animals. Despite repeatedly tripping and falling down from trying to carry too much with each trip, Clarke still wore a stupid eager grin as she picked everything back up and returned to sprinting into Raven and Octavia's room, plopping down the load and repeating the process all over again. It might have been a whole dozen trips back and forth before Clarke felt like she had everything she needed. Once she had finished with step one, she decided to split it all up into two separate piles.

Clarke took great care, testing the odor compilation of each pile, sorting and resorting each pile until they both had an ideal mix for Raven. Once satisfied, Clarke formed the first pile into a comfortable corner of the room. She tested it cautiously, careful not to get it too covered in her own scent as to avoid defeating the whole point. After the first one was complete, Clarke began the process again in the back of Raven and Octavia's closet, recreating the small haven she had once craved so desperately.

To her own great relief, Clarke had taken up enough time for Octavia to return home. The alpha lept up from the small nest she had hobbled together, knowing it would be a little hard to explain why she was curled up in her friend's closet with a number of stolen articles of clothing.

"Clarke?" Octavia called, protectively entering the apartment before she allowed either Lexa or Raven. "Clarke, you still home?"

"Her car was still in the parking garage." Lexa reasoned in a timid whisper.

Octavia's eyes darted around, striving to find anything that could confirm or deny her assumption that Clarke could truly stay strong, and that she was ready for her family to return.

"Is everything ok?" Raven worried impatient, clinging to Octavia from behind.

"I… don't…." Octavia sighed defeated sighting one of her bottles moved slightly. "Fucking Christ Clarke." The alpha complained, disappointed in herself for believing in her friend.

"I'm here! What's up?!" Clarke rushed into the living room from the hallway off into O and Raven's room.

"I?" Octavia stopped mid stomp towards the shifted liquor bottle. "You aren't drunk? Wait? Why were you over by our room?"

"I… well I did a thing for Raven!"

"Oooh! What'd you do for me!?" Raven cheered hopping into the appointment excited.

"You… you brought Raven home?" Clarke glanced to Octavia, deeply doubting herself.

"You didn't drink." Octavia answered.

"I… but!"

"She didn't just bring Raven home, Clarke." Lexa stepped in hesitant.

"Lexa!" Clarke jumped scared.

"Hi." Lexa waived her hand timidly, regretting that she had taken Octavia's word that it was time to come home already.

"You… are you ok baby?" Clarke worried. "O… O told me that I… that you were hurt."

"I'm fine. " Lexa's posture shifted protective of her self.

"I… you did a thing for me?" Raven tried to lift the tension.

"Y… yeah." Clarke stammered.

"You, you go ahead and show her whatever you did Clarke. I'll be in our room when you're done."

"It's still our room?" Clarke's eyes sparkled hopeful.

Lexa didn't speak, keeping herself cautious and distant, fearful of expecting too much progress in so small a time only to be let down.

"That… that's fair." Clarke sighed, her heart sinking again as she watched Lexa walk off to her room.

"So, how are you doing? Your tremors aren't too bad are they?" Raven moved to Clarke's side, taking trembling hands in her own with hopes to tame Clarke's clearly rising nerves.

"It's better when I'm not focused on it." Clarke attempted to pull away but her best friend wouldn't let her.

"It's going to be ok."

Clarke looked back to her friend clearly still worried.

"It will. It will be ok." Raven repeated. "Now you had something for me?"

"Yeah come on."

"It's a nest!?" Raven eagerly plopped down in the perfect little corner Clarke had hobbled together for her. The omega wrapped herself in a loose blanket, purring, overly ecstatic with the olive branch.

"It's good?"

"God it's amazing! How did you get it coated in so many of Octavia's things too?"

"Well, I might have stolen some of her clothes when I was still pregnant. Aaaand some of yours too."

"I knew my clothes were going missing!"

"Please don't hate me!"

"Mhmm for this? We are square."

"Really?" Clarke checked.

"If you take care of yourself and go get that alpha of yours to forgive you too." Raven's cutting eyes let loose reassurance that she was no longer quite so lackadaisical about the matter and that she was in fact incredibly worried for her friend.

"Well then I take it I shouldn't tell you about the second nest I made you?"

"There's a second one!?"

"Yeah, for when you wanna be in your nest, but you wanna be alone?"

"God you are the best Clarke! I love you a little!"

"You love me a lot." Clarke teased.

"Don't push it!" Raven giggled and glared.

"Yeah yeah." Clarke smiled back, finally feeling like she didn't need anything to numb her again. Tragically, such a serene relief was not long-lived. It was only a moment later that Clarke remembered that she still had to face Lexa, and the sheer idea was enough to make her wish she could have another drink.

"This is great! Lexa's uncle gave me a nice blanket, I was wanting to make a next with it. But this is perfect."

"Well, the other one is in the closet for when you wanna get away from everyone. Plus, because it is in the closet, you can still be completely surrounded in Raven's scent from all her clothes."

"Thank you!" Raven jumped up from the nest to grab Clarke in a large hug. "Really. Thank you Clarke."

"Thank you for forgiving me." Clarke hugged back tightly.

"Clarke. We… me, Octavia, and Lexa. We are your family."

"Raven." Clarke clung tighter to her friend.

"Go get that alpha of yours, ok?"

"Ok." Clarke nodded into Raven's embrace.

"It's gonna be ok."

"I really hope so."

"It will. Now go!"

"Lexa?" Clarke knocked on Lexa's cracked door.

"Yes Clarke?" Lexa answered sitting on the bed with her back to the door, flicking a picture over in her hands.

"What's that?"

"Are you sober?" Lexa cut cold.

"I'm hungover, but, no I haven't drunk anything today."

"Is it gonna stick this time?"

"I…"

"Or am I gonna end up back at my aunt and uncle's?"

"I!"

"Sobbing because my alpha! The woman who I love! Who should protect me! And you-"

"I hurt you…"

"You did." Lexa answered.

"This is your home Lexa. If… if you need I can leave. It's my fault and-"

"Please don't."

"I don't want to."

"Is this over?"

"I… I want it to be. But it might be a good idea to get away from a home where Octavia's boose feels like it is daring me to play a staring contest that I will never win for a couple days."

"Ok."

"If you want, I can go to a hotel for a couple days, that way you don't have to deal with me while I-"

"Please don't Clarke. I want to be there for you."

"Yeah. But the last time that you tried that, I damn near threw you through a wall."

"And is that going to happen again?"

"Never Lexa! Never! I! I can't explain how terrible I feel abou-"

"Ok."

"Ok?"

"Ok."

"I… ok what?" Clarke trembled beyond just the tremors she had been experiencing all day.

"Ok. I have somewhere we can go. Get away from all this."

"Really?"

"Yes Clarke." Lexa's head dropped back down to the photo.

"What is that?" Clarke asked again.

"It… it's a picture of the ultrasound you had."

"I…"

"I've found a lot of comfort in it ever since what happened." Lexa glanced back to Clarke.

"You have."

"I have." Lexa patted the bed next to her, welcoming her alpha to sit with her.

"But…" Clarke moved to sit next to the alpha. "What is comforting of looking at what we lost?"

"I don't think about it like that. Especially not lately." Lexa passed off the picture with tattered edges.

"How do you think about it?"

"I use it to remember when we weren't fighting. When not everything felt like a petty little jab."

"That was a much better time wasn't it?" Clarke glanced at the picture before taking Lexa's hand.

"It was."

"Can we get back to that place?"

"I really really want us to." Lexa squeezed Clarke's hand. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"You know that when I said-"

"I know you didn't mean it."

"I really didn't."

"I love you." Clarke rested her weary head on Lexa's shoulder.

"You don't need to be infallibly strong all the time, every day, constantly. You know that right? That just because you are an alpha… it doesn't mean you aren't allowed to be weak sometimes too."

"I…" Clarke glanced to Lexa, her eyes pleading for permission to be weak, to be cared for, to have the love she didn't feel she deserved.

"I love you. It will all be ok Clarke." Lexa pulled Clarke down, allowing her to rest her head in her lap. "Everything will be ok. I promise baby girl." Lexa stroked down Clarke's back.

Clarke growled momentarily at the condescending title of baby girl, but quickly gave up on being angry and cuddled closer to Lexa's lap.

"It will be ok. I promise."

"B… but how?"

"Well. First? My aunt offered for us to go to her cabin for a weekend getaway. Just for you to be able to get away from all the vices, have some time to breathe, and allow us to reconnect."

"Really?"

"Really." Lexa whispered reassuringly.

Clarke purred gently into her alpha's lap.

"And… I don't know if you want it. But I had an appointment set up for you with Nyko for Friday. I called her the day after I learned you were drinking. I wanted it to be a surprise present for you getting sober."

"A doctor's appointment as a present?"

"A doctor's appointment to get hormones Clarke."

"You mean!?" Clarke turned over to see Lexa's face.

"Yes. If you want. She said all she would need is blood work, and that you could start as early as the fifteenth."

"I… I can't believe…"

"But she won't prescribe anything if you show up falling down drunk Clarke."

"Oh my god. I… Lexa! This is amazing! I can't believe you… you did this for me!"

"Well, I haven't done anything yet. You need to do your half and get sober."

"I love you Lexa." Clarke clung tight.

"I love you too sweetheart. Now you wanna pack and head out to the cabin? Might be best to be isolated when the worst of the withdrawal hits."

"Thank you." Clarke wouldn't let go of her mate.

"Come on, let's go. You can sleep on the ride upstate."

"Thank you Lexa."

"Of course Clarke. I love you, and I will always help my mate if I can."

End of Chapter 49

Chapter Text

Chapter 50

By the way! Wanna talk with more the 100/ clexa fans? Hang and chat in a safe space with other LGBTQ+ folk? I recently made a discord server, you are welcome to join! It's free, and just a place I hope people can chat and feel safe! Link for the server on my tumblr: hopefulbadgerjunara

Lexa made sure Clarke took some aspirin to help her get sleep on the bumpy car ride upstate to the cabin. Certain not to be outdone, she packed two blankets and three pillows. Her car wasn't the most comfortable, but it was something. Especially when she set the passenger seat all the way back and have Clarke the extra neck support of the extra pillows. This, however, didn't do anything to calm the alpha's seemingly horrific nightmares. Clarke would toss and turn in the passenger seat the whole ride. Lexa feared waking her mate, she didn't want to wake Clarke only to have her not be able to fall asleep once more or to scare her by waking her up at an inopportune time. Instead, all Lexa did was take Clarke's shaking hand in hers, doing her best to soothe Clarke even while the alpha was deep off in dreamland. With only the empty even I road to distract her, Lexa's mind ran wild. Her imagination was left to wander, conjuring up the most heinous nightmares she could possibly imagine Clarke enduring. Whatever Lexa was imagining was almost certainly worse than whatever mild horror Clarke's mind made up to torture itself. But such an idea would never dawn on Lexa, all she was capable of doing was holding Clarke's hand tighter and praying softly that no matter what Clarke was enduring, she could feel the loving hand in hers. It was of small comfort to Lexa, but the past few months has become entirely about such small comforts for her hadn't they? Whispering into a void that what minimal efforts she could apply would have even the slightest positive impact on the woman she loved.

"I love you baby." Lexa would whisper intermittently before raising Clarke's hand to leave a small kiss on the back of her palm. "I love you so much." It was all she could do. But it did soothe her in a way, even if Clarke was dead asleep and couldn't hear a word, for Lexa it still meant a small world of difference.

The sun was setting by the time Lexa pulled up to the cabin. It cast a beautiful orange hue over the thin layer of snow coating the grounds and cabin itself. "Clarke, Clarke you gotta see this." Lexa cheered with a hushed tone.

The alpha tossed in her seat, a thick layer of sweat coating her as she strained painfully still in sleep.

"I…" Lexa stressed, unsure what to do until she witnessed Clarke's face scrunch up in pain once more. "Baby wake up." Lexa pleaded softly, tracing her fingertips along the back of Clarke's hand with the intent of giving her a soft stir.

"Ahh!" Clarke lept up, nailing her head on the roof of the car, immediately falling into tears as her screams continued. "Fuck!" Clarke panted, tears streaming down her face.

"Fuck Clarke! Are you ok?"

"Fuck fuck fuck, what happened? I… god why does my head hurt so bad?"

"Well, I'm gonna go ahead and assume that is one part withdrawal, and two parts slamming your head on the car roof."

"Fuck… why?"

"I'm sorry I woke you up. I wanted you to get to see the view before the sun set completely." Lexa groaned regretfully.

"I… it's beautiful." Clarke gasped.

"I! Are you ok?"

"I mean I could use some more aspirin now, but… god, I'm really glad I grabbed my art supplies. The… the light on the ebbing winter's snow."

"Yeah. That's what I liked about it too." Lexa relaxed.

"It's breathtaking."

"Imagine it without a splitting headache."

"As long as I don't have to imagine it without you." Clarke took Lexa's hand in both of hers, holding it tight.

"I love you so much." Lexa melted, the small sign of affection all she had needed for the past months since Clarke had begun becoming so distant.

"I love you too baby." Clarke leaned over and kissed Lexa on the cheek.

"You really to help me lug everything inside?"

"No. I… I just really wanna sit here and enjoy the view for a little while."

"I like that idea too."

"I really can't believe you did all this. That you even set up an appointment for me to get hormones with Nyko. I… just…"

"You aren't the only alpha in this relationship Clarke." Lexa's smile widened smug.

"I know!"

"You do huh?"

"I… just…"

"I love you Clarke. But I am an alpha too. I enjoy providing and taking care of you just as much as you do me."

"You are right." The alpha paused. "I… can I sit in your lap?" Clarke lifted her head.

"I would love that baby." Lexa pushed her seat back and then assisted Clarke onto her lap. "How's that sweetheart?"

Clarke gave herself the freedom to submit, to not wallow in the guilt of it, and just enjoy. Everything of her biology reveled in the delight of lowering her head submissively and resting it in the crook of Lexa's neck. "God it's amazing." Clarke whimpered softly, wrapping her arms around Lexa. "I… I…" Clarke didn't have the words, her instincts were too strong now that she was safe in her alpha's arms.

"There there."

The flood gates broke.

Lexa held Clarke close, tracing calming fingers down her back. With soft kisses to the top of Clarke's head, Lexa fulfilled everything Clarke needed, but couldn't bring herself to ask for. "It's going to be ok."

"Lexa… we lost her. I… I know it wasn't very far along, but… we lost our daughter."

"I know." Lexa sniffled, holding tighter to Clarke.

"How do you… how do we move forward from that!?" Clarke sobbed into Lexa.

"Together. I… I don't know exactly how. But I know whatever the answer is, it begins with us doing it together."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"I'm so sorry!"

"It's ok. It is all going to be ok baby girl. I know it is horrible. What we lost. But… I still have you, and you still have me Clarke."

"Thank you Lexa."

"Thank you." Lexa corrected. "I… cannot explain how much it means to me that you are finally being vulnerable with me like this again."

Clarke nuzzled gently at Lexa's neck, getting more comfortable in her lap. She was still crying, but her tears were finally slowing.

"We are going to be ok." Lexa whispered, massaging gently at Clarke's back.

"Thank you Lexa."

Lexa hummed appreciative. Tapping on Clarke's back, Lexa raised one hand, pointing out how the sun's last light shown through the trees. The two alphas adored the breathtaking scene, the light slowly thawing their isolated hearts.

"I can't believe how beautiful it is."

"I can't believe it is almost as beautiful as my alpha." Lexa pulled the hair from Clarke's face.

Clarke looked up, unable to hide her giggles at the line.

Lexa was quick to fall into the laughter as well.

"I love you, even if you use pick up lines like that."

"Well, I love you too." Lexa looked up to witness the last licks of light languish and disappear. "You ready to head in? We should probably get everything moved into the cabin before we are completely out of light."

"What, afraid of bears?"

"Ok, you have never run into a bear in real life. It is fucking terrifying!"

"What!? You've actually run into bears here?!"

"Yeah! And I was twelve!"

"I…" Clarke laughed awkwardly.

"Oh yes. Now help me lug everything inside!"

"Why did you drag me out here to get eaten by bears!" Clarke's eyes nearly popped out of her head.

"Oh? Now, where's my strong alpha?"

"BITCH! Ain't no alpha that can fight off a fucking bear!"

"Welp, when you're right, you're right." Lexa laughed with Clarke and gave her a quick kiss. "Now help me get everything inside before the bears go a huntin."

Clarke purred and hugged Lexa tighter. "Sounds good baby."

It only took them a couple of minutes to get their bags all piled up at the door to the cabin. The two shivered and shook the late winter air lingering longer than they would have previously anticipated even given the snow that covered the grounds.

"Oh my fucking god why is it so cold upstate!" Clarke complained shaking as they finally finished pulling everything inside.

"Just give me a couple minutes to get a fire going."

"Why did I think it would be warmer inside?!"

"Fuck your right! God! Cuddle me for warmth." Lexa's teeth chattered as she made her way to the fireplace.

"Don't have to tell this alpha twice." Clarke followed after Lexa, cuddling to her, desperate for any warmth she could get.

"There's always something else we could do to stay warm." Lexa hummed seductively. "I've always dreamt of making my mate cum by a fire."

Clarke giggled. "Baby, my head is killing me, I haven't showered in four days, and I spent most of those days fucking hammered."

"Yeah, but with all the shaking I won't have to do any work, gotta take advantage of the cold slash tremors combo while I can."

"Baby, I love you. But I don't want you to lose all sexual interest in me forever, so you aren't going anywhere near me without pants on until after I get a nice and very very long hot shower."

"Baby… you know there is nothing you could do that would make me lose interest in you like that."

"Umm, you ha-"

"Yes! Got it!" Lexa interrupted, cheering as a fire ignited.

"Fucking Christ yes!"

"There we go!" Lexa puffed get chest out, proud of providing warmth. "Now, you get all warmed up, and I'll get the furnace kicked on too. That way we'll have hot water in the morning."

"My savior!" Clarke let go and immediately curled up next to the burgeoning fire.

Lexa growled back pleased before heading off.

"Mhmm yeah… thanks baby." Clarke yawned, patting at the furs layed out in front of the fire. Her eyelids heavied hastily, homy heat from the beautiful growing fire. "I… mhmm" Clarke grew weak, her head still pounding, but everything else about the cabin was more than enough to offset any headache. "God… so nice." She curled up on the soft furs.

Lexa returned not long after, wearing even more pride. It was only slightly disheartening at first for her to see her mate already out like a light. But once she got a good look at the beautiful alpha snoring softly, everything was worth the travel upstate. Lexa hadn't seen Clarke so peaceful in a long time. Delighted to see Clarke so relaxed, Lexa found two pillows and a blanket from the bed, bringing them to the floor, gently raising Clarke's head and slipping a pillow under. "There you go love. We don't need your neck getting sore too." She then layed down with Clarke and pulled the blanket over them both, cuddling up to Clarke. It had been a very long day, from the early morning drive to her aunt's to returning home, and now the drive upstate. But if it actually worked? If the time away would actually do anything for Clarke? It would all be infinitely beyond worth it.

Clarke was up by three am. Although sleeping so much had its benefits, it all lead to a less than regular schedule.

Regretfully, this also happened to mean Lexa was up by three O one am. Clarke was whining and screaming, pounding her fists on the ground almost hard enough to shatter her knuckles. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!" Clarke grunted, fighting all of her urges and cravings. Her whole body was revolting on her, fighting and ordering her to it back up with the substance she so suddenly lacked.

Everything hurt; it burned. The room spun, and Clarke's entire existence felt like it was attempting to stage a coup on her. Nothing of her body was stable, but for all Clarke could tell was that it seemed like the continental plates had ruptured and destabilized from under her; or as if they had flipped entirely and still haven't found any semblance of equilibrium, sending her tumbling like a ragdoll.

"Clarke! Baby!" The only essence of stability Clarke could sense was Lexa's hand on her back, and an arm wrapped around her.

"Fuck!" Clarke wretched, her stomach turning on her nearly as severely as gravity had.

"Bucket! Uugh! Bucket!" Lexa stammered, turning from her position next to Clarke rapidly in search of something to offer Clarke.

"Damnit! Uugh!" Clarke fought back a heave.

"It will be ok baby."

"I… Where's the bathroom!"

"You think you can make it?" Lexa worried more by the moment as she couldn't find a bucket or a trashcan or anything of any sort to help Clarke in the cabin she hadn't been to in almost a decade.

Clarke groaned and grumbled as the ground seemed to have flipped once more. Before she could bring herself to say anything the whole of nothing she had eaten came up along with a searing cocktail of stomach acids.

"Fuck." Lexa sighed, watching on as her aunt's faux furs were ruined in one fell upchuck.

"D… damnit, I'm sorry."

"It's ok. Let's get you to the bathroom. The water should be warm by now."

"O… Ok." Clarke whimpered feeling like hell all over again.

"Come here love." Lexa helped Clarke up, pulling the alpha's arm over her shoulder, and assisting her towards the bathroom.

"I'm sorry."

"It will all be ok. Just try to breathe. I know it is rough but you can get through this."

"Thank you Lexa."

"Ok, here we go!" Lexa fought to open the door while still juggling her mate.

"Tha-" Clarke dry heaved, cutting herself off."

"Fuck. I, that is not a good sign."

"Sorry."

"No, it just means that you are dehydrated." Lexa put the back of her hand to claire's forehead, putting her down and lining her up with the sink. "God and you are burning up!"

"Yeah, freezing to fire, and only a nap away at any given time." Clarke snarked.

"Don't worry love, just let me get you a damp washcloth and a glass of water. That should help."

"Thank you." Clarke grabbed Lexa's hand and held to it before Lexa could leave.

"It will all be ok." Lexa had more than a small amount of trouble watching mental tracks from protect and help to anything else.

"Thank you, you don't need to be doing this. Takin-" Clarke heaved again. "Care of me."

"We need to get some fluids back into you love." Lexa sighed pulling away. "And I know, but… I want to. Even the strongest of alpha needs their mate to take care of them once in a while." Lexa rushed off, returning a minute later to see Clarke heaving all over again. "Here." Lexa folded a damp slightly cold washcloth and draped it gently over the back of Clarke's neck.

Clarke yelped at the slight cold at first, but it quickly became of immense comfort.

"There you go baby. Now lay back." Lexa assisted, easing Clarke back against the wall. "Here, one for your forehead too."

"God, that is a lot better.

"Good. Now here's a glass of water."

Clarke drank greedily, only to have Lexa pull the glass back down.

"Go slow, going too fast will only upset your stomach more."

"I… yeah, sorry."

"You are shaking really bad."

"Yeah, that's what happens Lexa."

"Sorry. I know that." Lexa shook her head shamefully.

"It's ok." Clarke's shaky hand took Lexa's reassuringly.

"How are you doing?"

"I… Everything hurts. My head is killing me."

"Well, you do have a nice little welt on your forehead from me waking you up when you got here."

"Greaaat? Just my luck."

"Sorry love."

"It's ok." Clarke sighed. "And I feel absolutely disgusting."

"Well, the water is hot, if you are ready for that shower."

"That sounds… fucking heavenly."

"Well, I can get something hobbled together to eat while you clean up. They don't have all that much here, but I know they keep the freezer stocked. Plus there is often a small garden with something fresh in back."

"It's not that I doubt your kitchen biased prowess, but I'm not sure I'm up to eating anything right now baby." Clarke whimpered.

"Well. One way or another, you need to eat. You need strength to get through this."

"Love you. Maybe I'll have some type of an appetite once I've showered."

"That's the attitude. Take care, I'll rustle up some grub."

Lexa made her way off to take an inventory of everything they had to make a meal of. It was more than a disappointment to find that all they had in the way of food in the cabinets were a number of poorly aging and slightly dented cans of vegetables, chili, spam, rice, beans, tortilla chips, and powdered eggs. The pickings were sparse at best. "Well, at least none of it is about ready to pop with botulism?"

With only the vaguest of plans forming in her mind's eye, Lexa headed outside to scavenge for anything fresh that winter hadn't gotten to already. An armful of tomatoes, a pair of peppers, cilantro, an onion, and some garlic were all Lexa needed to make her decision as for what to make the pair for… Either a very late midnight snack or an incredibly early breakfast. "Hopefully something with a vague hint of freshness will make powdered eggs edible."

Lexa was already cooking her heart out, doing her absolute best to foster something with a satisfying flavor when she heard a worrying thud from the bathroom. "Clarke?" Lexa's head popped up from the cutting board.

No response came but Lexa could swear she heard softer thuds coming.

"Clarke?" Lexa dropped her knife. "Clarke? Baby? What's wrong I heard something?" Lexa's mind went to dark places quickly. But such dark places only grew darker when there was no reply once more. "Clarke?" Lexa knocked on the bathroom door. "Baby? Tell me that this old cabin just makes some peculiar creaks and moans?"

The arrhythmic thuds grew louder.

Lexa wasn't capable of waiting another moment. She opened the door frantic, and damn near fell apart when she didn't see the silhouette of her mate beyond the shower curtain. It was then that she heard the noises with enough clarity that she understood what was happening.

"Clarke! Clarke wake up!"

"W… What? What's going on? Fuck… my-"

"Is it your head!" Lexa yelled frantically.

"Well, now it's my ears."

"You fucking asshole! Not funny!"

"I fell on my ass, not on my head."

"You didn't just fall Clarke."

"I-"

"You had a seizure."

"I... "

"I'm not letting you outta my damn sight again till the shaking is gone completely."

"Isn't that a bit much Lexa?"

"When you could have another seizure and collapse? You could get hurt again, but only way worse than this time. What if you had landed on your head and not that beautiful ass of yours?"

"Aww you just love using those terrible lines of yours while I'm all helpless in your arms don't you?"

"Guilty. But also I'm incredibly worried for you."

"It's ok. Being adorable is a good thing to be guilty of." Clarke leaned up and kissed the alpha hovering worriedly above her.

"Did you get satisfactorily clean?"

"Yeah? But I think I still have some conditioner to get out of my hair." Clarke sighed.

"Well then here." Lexa set up the two washcloths from earlier on the edge of the tub and then assisted Clarke over towards it.

"I can move still you know?"

"You had a seizure." Lexa glared unamused.

"One seizure and you won't let a girl move on heroin?"

"Yup that's the deal!"

Clarke growled contrastingly.

"Deal with it. You scared me, so now I wanna take extra care of you."

Clarke didn't allow her to growls to die out.

"Oh calm down big bad lil alpha. You'll like what comes next."

"Why's that?" Clarke squinted at Lexa as she stood and grabbed the shower head.

"Calm down. You will enjoy." Lexa casually undid a button of her shirt.

"I'm certainly starting to like it already."

"Yeah, yeah." Lexa chuckled, straddling Clarke's lap and turning on the water.

Clarke purred pleased as Lexa's cleavage showed just the perfect amount.

"Here we go." Lexa whispered, kissing Clarke softly, stroking her hair and rinsing it miraculously. "I've always thought it was rather intimate."

"Thought what was intimate?"

"Cleaning someone's hair. Stroking my fingers through my mate's hair. Massaging their scalp."

"Oh, that is… That is nice."

"That's my girl." Lexa intentionally pressed her chest gently against Clarke's face under the pretext of rinsing the tips of her hair.

"You… you were right."

"Course I was, what alpha does not enjoy having their mate straddle them and press their boobs into their face."

Clarke nipped gently at Lexa's exposed flesh.

Lexa returned with a seductive moan.

"You were very right." Clarke nuzzled Lexa's bosom.

Lexa fought herself to focus, her body craving her mate, but logic winning through. "Good. I'm glad you enjoyed, but it is time to get you some food."

"NOOO!" Clarke nipped and whimpered, desiring more of her alpha.

"Eat, and then maybe we can continue."

"Tease." Clarke nipped at Lexa's neck in protest.

"How is your stomach by the way?" Lexa stood, and offered a hand to Clarke.

"I… am actually starting to get hungry, yeah!" Clarke took the hand, hopping up to her feet with the help of her mate.

"Good, you, get your clothes on, and give me a couple minutes to cook everything. Ok?"

"Sounds good love." Clarke gave Lexa a kiss before they parted ways again but only for a moment.

"Ok, that is not a good sign!" Clarke pointed towards the sizeable tin labeled egg crystals.

"Oh shut up, it will be tasty."

"Powdered eggs?" Clarke stuck out her tongue. "I really thought the plan was to get me to keep some food down. Not to keep it out."

"Oh come on, give me a chance first ok?" Lexa pouted playfully.

Clarke gave dubious eyes, but yielded hasily anyways. "Fine, but only cause you are such a good cook."

"Thank you." Lexa returned a soft smile. "How are you feeling?"

"Oh? You mean aside from my sore ass?"

"You are lucky! It could have been a lot worse Clarke."

"I know."

"Good. Now eat up, huevos rancheros." Lexa slid a plate in front of Clarke.

"I'll admit, I've never eaten, or even seen huevos rancheros, but I have a strong feeling that this isn't quite it." Clarke doubted.

"Uugh, just try it. Worst case scenario, you can just have some of the canned chili on its own, but I am hoping all this together will be stomachable for you. It's got a decent amount of protein, and it should keep you going decently well if you keep it down."

Clarke tried a bite hesitantly, then another, a perplexed look lingering.

"Well?"

"You are giving me yours too."

"Pfft! No! Mine!" Lexa guarded her plate giggling.

"I love you."

"I love you too baby. A… are you ok?"

"Yeah… totally." Clarke lied, looking down to her food as she slowly scooped up another bite.

"No, you aren't. Now talk to me."

"I'm fine."

Lexa growled and glared.

"The seizures are scary. Ok?"

"Tell me about it."

"No, you tell me about it! The last time I had a seizure like that… I ended up in the hospital."

"Seizures are serious Clarke. If you had hit damn near anything but that bubble butt of yours, I probably would have taken you to the hospital too."

"Don't."

"Look. I know that you don't love hospitals, but if I need to take you to one… I will. Just like…"

"Yeah." Clarke looked away. "Does this place have a tv or something."

"Clarke please don't shut me out."

"I don't wanna have this conversation Lexa."

"Clarke."

"Lexa, please. Not now."

"Clarke, trying to avoid this is what got you into this mess."

Clarke huffed, scanning the living room in a hopeful search for a television.

"Please Clarke."

"What do you even want me to say about it?"

"Anything. Just… don't shut me out?"

"You know why I don't like hospitals. And… what I… we lost last time I was in one doesn't help at all. Ok?"

"Do you forgive me?"

"Wha-!" Clarke choked on her eggs.

"I… Are you still holding it against me? That I made that decision. That I didn't wait for you to wake up. Leave the choice up to you and risk multiple operations?"

Clarke chewed silent.

"There's a tv over there in the den." Lexa dropped her fork gesturing towards a television which seemed to blend into its surroundings in the dark. "Remote is under it. I'm going to take some time in the study."

"Y- your food!" Clarke stammered, breaking her silence as Lexa walked away.

"You wanted it. You can have it. Just pace yourself. And… maybe only stand around soft stuff?"

"Lexa."

"I just, I just need some time."

"Lex-"

"No Clarke." Lexa picked up the soiled furs on her way towards the study, knowing she would need something to help keep her mind occupied.

Clarke however, knew she needed to think. To mull over exactly how she felt about everything that had become of her and Lexa. Whether or not she could ever truly or completely forgive Lexa. Clarke knew she had barely done anything to accept it, much less forgive Lexa. Lexa had taken such a huge decision from her! But it had been with the intent to protect her… No… That wasn't why was it? Lexa wasn't worked up in an angry protective huff at any point throughout the whole endeavor. Clarke grumbled, her mind growing cloudy with confused thoughts. But If it wasn't to be protective… then why didn't Lexa wait? Why couldn't she have just let the doctors perform the smaller operation first and give her the chance to decide for herself! It would have been so easy just to wait! What stopped her! Lexa must have known how important this decision was to her.

Clarke had almost finished her plate completely, still fuming in between bites when it truly dawned on her. She may have passingly thought that lexa was 'just scared' but she never understood the roll Lexa's fear really played in the decision. Brimming with regret Clarke grabbed Lexa's dinner, following after her. "Lex? Lexa? Baby?"

"I need time alone Clarke."

"I have a question."

"It's a tv Clarke, the power button turns it on."

"Not about that Lexa!" Clarke snapped frustrated, locating the door that separated her and Lexa.

"What is it!" Lexa stormed up to the door in a huff, opening it angrily, only to jump back aghast at Clarke being right there on the other side of the door.

"You did it because you were terrified."

"Of course Clarke. You are my alpha. What would I do if I had lost you? I… I need my alpha."

"I forgive you." Clarke grabbed Lexa' clinging tight to her. "I forgive you, and I'm sorry it took so long, and I'm sorry that the first thing I did was push you away… That I made you think you were going to lose me all over again."

"Thank you. That really means a lot Clarke."

"What happened to not leaving my side till my tremors stopped?" Clarke whimpered clinging to her mate.

"I… I won't, I won't, I promise." Lexa stroked her hands down Clarke's back, kissing her neck and cheek gently. "I love you, and if you want, I won't let go until you stop shaking."

"I like that idea." Clarke nuzzled. "But I did grab you your breakfast. You need to eat too."

"How about we go, cuddle up on the couch, flip that tv on, watch something, and I will eat as my alpha holds me?"

"I like that idea a lot." Clarke cooed.

The two clung to each other all the way to the couch, swapping gentle kisses and nuzzles lovingly even up until they plopped down together. They didn't take long to find some generic romantic comedy on Netflix to cuddle close to each other during. Things hadn't been so calm in far too long. Although neither of them spoke of it, they both knew it was an egregious mistake to allow so much distance to sprout and grow between them. Clarke was damn near loathsome of herself. She couldn't believe what she had done to them; to Lexa. Clarke despised it, but she knew the truth of the matter was that there was nothing she could ever do to fully repay the alpha who had stuck with her through so much. Whether or not Clarke could successfully repay Lexa, she knew the best way to move forward is to just do her best to be there for Lexa, and repay one day at a time.

Lexa yawned, turning her drowsy little head to nuzzle her alpha as the movie wound down.

"Alpha tired?"

"Alpha exhausted." Lexa whimpered.

"My beautiful alpha." Clarke kissed at Lexa's neck.

"Are you feeling ok? I… I know this has been a stressful week… and I haven't made it any better."

"It has been stressful, but I'm not the one who is still going through withdrawal."

"Getting some food and water really helped. My head isn't great, I'm still shaky, and I feel like someone kicked my ass, but I'm feeling a lot better right now. In fact, I'm feeling… a little…" Clarke slipped her hands down Lexa's core.

"Are you now love?" Lexa shifted slightly, adjusting herself to allow Clarke better access.

"Yes, I am."

"I don't want you to push yourself."

"I'm not. I want to… show you just how much I forgive you." Clarke slipped her hands along the inside of Lexa's legs and pulled them apart with a gentle seductive touch

Lexa growled back. "If you are showing appreciation, then don't tease me."

"I'm not love." Clarke traced her fingertips along the sensitive flesh of Lexa's inner thighs.

"Yes… you are!" Lexa's head slipped back with a longing moan.

" I love this beautiful mark of yours." Clarke kissed over the extra sensitive flesh, her finger nimble as they undid Lexa's pants.

"Clarke." Lexa whined slightly.

"That's my girl. My beautiful, beautiful girl." Clarke nipped and teased at the bite scar.

Lexa nipped at air impatiently, her pants finally slipping off.

"Aww, does the poor little alpha wanna bite at me too?" Clarke timed her nips growing more aggressive perfectly as she traced two fingers along Lexa's lips. "So wet aren't you?"

Lexa gasped and panted, desperate for more.

"I love you." Clarke traced along Lexa's hood.

"Asshole." Lexa shuttered the word in a breathless moan.

"What's wrong?"

Lexa's hands gripped to Clarke's thighs which were wrapped around her.

"Gotta use your words if you want more." Clarke traced her nose up Lexa's neck, her hot breath damn near ruining the alpha in her arms. Clarke's middle finger tauntingly brushed against Lexa's clit just at the peak where it was unsheathed.

"Fuck!" Lexa's hips bucked forward, her body reacting, and defying her will. "C… C… Clarke! It's been so long since we!" Clarke repeated the perfectly torturous graze. Lexa lost control of her hips once more, wantonly bucking up for more of her alpha's touch.

"Since we what?"

"Since we had sex Clarke!" Lexa's alpha biology hadn't been affected quite the same as Clarke's. After what they had lost, Lexa's inner alpha was quick to wish to try again, her instincts either unaware or uncaring of the damage Clarke's body had sustained. Being all but ignored, her body only grew more and more agitated. Pent up beyond comprehension, Lexa's rut without Clarke had been hell, and now that she finally had her alpha attending to these carnal needs? Lexa was putty for Clarke to toy with as she pleased.

"Just like that love. I love it when I get to watch you enjoy yourself." Clarke gently eased Lexa into more, easing a finger along her entrance.

"Clarke!" Lexa's rising embarrassment at the excess of evidence that her arousal was approaching unbearable only served to amplify the issue. Her heated slick slipping down the inside of her thighs left her feeling deliciously weak at even the simplest of Clarke's touches. "Been so long."

"I know. I missed it so bad love. I missed you." Clarke assured, her free hand calmingly soothing over Lexa's tummy reassuringly.

"I…" Lexa panted, having a hard time calming thoughts that seemed to be fighting the hurricane of arousal that the pads of her mate's fingers brought her.

"What is it love?" Clarke slowed, but didn't stop, no longer leaving Lexa with teasing strokes, and now just sensuous comforting ones.

"I missed you too." Lexa turned her head and pressed her forehead and weary eyes into Clarke's neck. The death grip she had on her alpha's thighs loosened.

"Do you want me to stop?"

"Please don't. I don't want you to stop."

"Ok. Ok. I'm right here." Clarke kept her pace, Lexa's breathy moans almost hiding her tears. Almost.

"T… Thank you."

"Lexa you are crying." Clarke's free hand did its best to soothe the distraught alpha in her arms.

"It's fine. Just please don't stop." Lexa fought to seal her eyes and hide her weakness. Just as Clarke's ministrations began to slow, Lexa's hand shot up to hold Clarke's. "Please don't stop." Lexa repeated.

"Ok, ok, I won't." The two exchanged squeezes at each other's hands, slowly intertwining digits. "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

"You fucking better not!" Lexa panted a worrying mixture of soft sobs and aroused exasperation.

"I'm not." Clarke slowly picked up just the slightest amount of speed and depth in her strokes.

"Clarke!" Lexa half screamed half sobbed.

"You are safe. I'm safe, we are together. Nothing can change that." Clarke whispered.

"I… I thought I was going to lose my alpha Clarke."

Clarke growled protectively. "No! You aren't, you didn't, and you won't lose me." Without realizing it, Clarke's touches had become much faster and stronger. Her hand was almost entirely coated in Lexa's loving appreciation.

"Clarke!" Lexa screamed, her spare hand finding Clarke's thigh again, clinging to it, cheating Clarke on as best as she could while entrenched in ecstasy.

"Do you want to? You can if you want, but you don't have to."

"Please! Keep going! Just like that!" Lexa buried her nose into Clarke's neck, right against her scent gland, the odor of her mate. Her mind swirled, the tears still flowing, but she didn't have the spare processing power to focus on her tears anymore, all of her free mental ram chugged along attempting to keep her mind together as Clarke continued. Whether or not Lexa understood it at the moment, the tears were not something bad, despite their seemingly being out of place. The tears eased her processing her emotions, soothed and released the hurt she had ignored for months.

"That's it, right there love." Clarke whispered to Lexa as she tensed, rising from the couch slightly to meet her climax. "Feel good love, let it release." Clarke stroked one thumb over the back of Lexa's palm, and the other over her clit.

Lexa broke, her voice degrading in an orgasmic scream, her whole body cycling between tense and relax. The pleasure blinded her, leaving her lost in that beautiful relief. She whimpered, lungs completely vacant of anything but the pheromones of her mate. All she could still feel was Clarke against her, the loving arm wrapped around her, Clarke's fingers easing her out of her mind-shattering aftershocks. Then, it was all Clarke's loving lips on Lexa's. Loving lasting kisses of longing linked lovers lamenting loss, lingering in lust.

Clarke only allowed the kiss to break so she could remedy the silence. "You will never lose me. I am your alpha, and you are mine. I will protect you when you need support. And I know you will do the same for me."

"I will." Lexa smiled softly, resting her head on Clarke's chest.

"Are you ok?"

"I needed a good cry." Lexa looked up to Clarke, the tears back already.

"You are allowed to cry."

"I know, just… that doesn't stop me from feeling weak when I do it."

"The last thing in the world that you are is weak."

"You know that goes double for you. Especially now? I know it isn't easy for you Clarke but you are being amazingly strong." Lexa turned onto her side, moaning as her legs closed, putting pressure on her still sensitive slit.

"I know. I'm sorry." Clarke hugged Lexa close.

"Nothing to be sorry for my love." Lexa purred softly, her exhaustion catching up to her. "I'm proud of you. I know it's only been a day and a bit, but you are fighting, and that's why I'm proud."

"Sleep love. You are tired… But… Thank you."

"Ok… ok baby."

"Good girl. Sleep. We need Sleep."

Their second attempt at sleep went much smoother. The couch wasn't the most comfortable makeshift bed in the world, especially considering the cabin had two actual beds. But that didn't change how well they slept in each other's arms. There really is no greater pillow than the person you love. The two stayed there, curled up in each other's arms well past noon. Clarke didn't give much thought to sleeping in so late, but Lexa was beyond grateful. Lexa was relieved to have garnered some extra sleep after so many long and draining days. But the true treasure of having slept in so late was that it was that many fewer hours she had to stress about Clarke's withdrawal. Day two began with another round of huevos rancheros served with a much-needed dose of extra strength aspirin for Clarke's headache. Lexa could see that her alpha was putting up a strong showing for her, but she could also see the pain behind the beautiful blue eyes staring back at her. Even after everything she had been through… Seeing that pain, so well hidden, but still, there was the first thing that truly threatened to break her. Clarke continued to play tough, act as if she weren't hurting at all, cuddling to Lexa for the support she needed as she needed it. It wasn't easy, but she made it through the brunt of the second day with what would have appeared to be ease to anyone who didn't know her, but when her stomach turned on her once more. The 'I strong alpha and can handle anything' act seemed to fade fast as her stomach fought her through every moment of her evening into the night.

Somehow, Lexa actually preferred Clarke allowing herself to be weak. Not that she was happy about Clarke being sick and puking so much, but… having to watch Clarke burry and conceal her pain was anything but easy to watch.

"Fuck, Lexa. I'm so sorry!"

"No no, it is all ok love." Lexa pulled Clarke's hair back, running her fingers through Clarke's locks gently with one hand and rubbing her back with the other.

"You shouldn't have to sit here with me on the bathroom floor while I hug the toilet for hours at a time."

"No, no, it's ok." Lexa rested her cheek on Clarke's back.

"You really don't have to sit here with me."

"Clarke, that is why we came out here, so you had a safe place to do this, where I could help you without temptation around. I want to be here for you. I would rather you let yourself show your pain than hide it." Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke. "Let me be your alpha, don't just try to pretend it is all ok."

Clarke layed her arms over Lexa's adoring the warmth. "I'm so cold. I'm cold but it feels like so much of me is on fire. Like everything is trying to burn me for not giving in."

"You… you are so fucking strong."

"Yeah, I feel downright herculean. If I were any stronger… I just might be able to lift my arms above my head without using the toilet to keep them up."

"I mean it. You are amazing, and you are so strong." Lexa nuzzled Clarke's back.

"Thanks. On the bright side, I think my stomach has called off its mutiny."

"Good. Now, how about a nice warm bath?"

Clarke swooned at the simple idea.

"That's it, huge clawfoot tub, your alpha's arms wrapped around you, nice warm water, soothing all those achy bones? Doesn't that sound nice?"

"Can I cum from descriptions of baths?"

Lexa reached over Clarke turning on the water. "Well let's find out."

"Mhmm, you saint!"

"Bubble bath."

Clarke moaned.

"Epsom salts."

"Dear gods be kind."

"Lavender essential bath oils." Lexa whispered breathily into Clarke's ear.

"Oh! right there."

"By candle light"

"Oh! God! I'm gonna!"

"Purple, bath, bomb."

"Ahh! Lexa! Lexa! I think I!"

"And the Oscar for best fake orgasm goes to…"

"Ah! Me! No! I couldn't! I'd just like to thank all the delightful baths that got me here." Clarke looked around playing wide-eyed award recipient.

"I'm so proud of my alpha." Lexa kissed Clarke's cheek before gathering everything and plopping it into the tub filling with water. She then followed up by lighting a number of candles that adorned the bathroom. Turning off the lights Lexa turned back to Clarke. "How's that?"

"I don't know who is sexier, you or the bath."

Lexa raised a contesting brow.

"You know the answer is you."

"Better be." Lexa huffed.

"Love you baby. Now, let's get settled in the tub?"

"I like that idea." Lexa scooped Clarke up in her arms and dropped her gently into the tub.

Clarke growled, unpleased with being picked up so casually.

"Yeah yeah, growl away Ms. Herculean."

"God, it is nice tho."

"Well, I'm glad. My alpha deserves a nice bath." Lexa slipped in behind Clarke, wrapping her arms and legs around the alpha lovingly. "Mine."

"Yours." Clarke kissed Lexa's hands. "Mine."

"Yours." Lexa returned.

The bath was beautiful and relaxing, everything they needed to prepare them to head off to bed after they were all clean and dry. Day three was comparatively a breast. Not because the symptoms of withdrawal had faded or disappeared, but because both Lexa and Clarke had actually begun talking to each other once again, coming to each other when they needed support. They spent most of their time cuddled together, conversing over all the things they missed in their time apart, healthy ways to cope in the future. As the hours of their last day out in the wilderness grew towards the night Clarke's headache faded, and she actually slowly began to feel almost normal again,

"I'm really proud of you for making it through all this Clarke." Lexa introduced as they prepped for bed, all their bags packed, ready to head home early the next morning.

"I… I'm glad that I could do it." Clarke hummed with more pride than she would ever admit to.

"I, so, I, umm, I got you something Clarke."

"Huh?"

"Well, I bought it the day you got sick. But I never got to give it to you…"

"Ok."

"And, I brought it with us up here, and I thought it would be a nice congratulations on getting sober present?"

"Ok. So, What'd you get me?"

End of Chapter 50

Chapter Text

By the way! Wanna talk with more the 100/ clexa fans? Hang and chat in a safe space with other LGBTQ+ folk? I recently made a discord server, you are welcome to join! It's free, and just a place I hope people can chat and feel safe! Link for the server on my tumblr: hopefulbadgerjunara

Chapter 51

"Ok. So, What'd you get me?" Clarke cracked a smile.

"Well, I got you a couple options." Lexa stalled as she grabbed the privacy shopping bag from her suitcase.

Clarke raised a curious eyebrow.

"H… here you go!" Lexa plopped it down on Clarke's lap.

"What has you blushing?"

"I!" Lexa half jumped. "You don't ever have to use it if you don't want to. But if you do want to… I… I'd be happy to umm." Lexa's hands flailed around in embarrassment. "Well, you know! I! You know what they are for!"

Clarke growled pleased as she removed the pink, white, and purple tissue which had covered the top of the bag. She could see at least two pairs of boxers at the bottom of the bag, presumably different sizes, and a mishmash of leather straps and buckles which she recognized with ease. She had spent hours gawking at different styles of them online and in stores after all.

"D! Do you like them?" Lexa stuttered, worry brewing in her mind.

Clarke cracked a smile, both at the trio of terrific phalluses. One seemed somewhat basic, but in a beautiful vibrant rainbow pattern, a second was clearly equipped with some form of vibration at both its head and it's base, finally, there was the third, a very generic pinkish flesh tone that matched Clarke's skin almost perfectly.

"I tried to give you some choices. I couldn't decide between the basic one, the fancy one… or well you know?"

"The gay one?" Clarke giggled.

"Yeah, and even that one, I wasn't sure about. I was between that and one which had the colors of a trans alpha flag. But I wasn't sure if that would just remind you of being trans, and I was worried that might be a downer or a turn-off."

"I love the rainbow one, plus it has a…" Clarke eyed the sizeable base.

"Well, they kinda all do except for the black vibrating one." Lexa chuckled.

"What?"

"Well the rainbow one has a regular knot, but the flesh-toned one has a pump… and you can umm, well you can inflate it. It gets, well it gets really big, if you want?"

Clarke didn't even notice as she growled deeply, picking the flesh-toned strap from the bag, tracing her fingers down its soft, almost silky silicone with a stunning realism.

"That sounds like a really good growl." Lexa reached out, touching one of Clarke's hands, caressing it softly, attempting to bridge the quiet between them.

"It was!" Clarke's head snapped up, her eyes damn near glowing with eager hunger.

"Clarke! I'm really gonna need more than that." Lexa pouted, needing some slightly more significant shred of assurance from her alpha that she did well.

Clarke reversed the position their hands had been in, dropping the toy back into the bag so that she could instead take the alpha's hand in hers. "This is amazing of you my love."

"Really?" Lexa lit up.

"I think you need to make yourself comfortable and start taking your pajamas off." Clarke purred, slipping off of the bed to remove her own bottoms.

"Oh? Do I now?" Lexa scurried backward on the bed, forming the pillows around her, just how she liked.

"That's a good girl." Clarke thumbed at the embroidered size marker on the boxer harnesses, finding her size, she slipped the flesh-toned phallus into the harness. God, how did this cock just feel right? What was it about this gorgeous, almost impeccable lump of dual density silicone that felt immeasurably accurate. Entirely immaculate in each and every preposterously impossible way. Nothing had ever felt so right as she pulled the boxers up, the cock standing proud from between her legs. It was completely out of her control; how she stroked the phallus, staring at Lexa's parted legs. FUCK! Clarke could smell Lexa's wetness, it might not have been quite as thick or sweet a scent as that of an omega, but Clarke loved it all the same; it was the scent of her mate, her alpha willingly submitting, laying on her back and opening her legs willingly. Then the sight of Lexa licking her lips damn near broke something in the alpha stroking her pseudo phallus. "Fucking christ you look good like that, all splayed out and open for me. Licking those fucking lips." Clarke's growing growls brought quite the flush to Lexa's cheeks as she began to palm the head of her cock.

Lexa yelped unintentionally, her body shifting, maybe unconsciously, lowering herself as if to be even further ready for Clarke and that cock, that beautiful cock. She even subtly wished that she could be the one stroking it for Clarke, that she could be the one soothing her alpha's ache, even if it was just a lump of silicone. "Yours." Lexa's hips rocked up needily and her jaw dropped, leaving just the slightest part in her lips, and invitation, a pleading welcome for the alpha who was clearly getting more and more into the stroking of her own member.

"Are you now little girl?"

A shudder ran down Lexa's spine, the taunt going directly to the tightness between her thighs. Her alpha wished for the will to protest, the strength to deny the beautiful delicious taunt that made her a dripping mess, but she had no such will or strength in the presence of her alpha. "All, All yours." Lexa fumbled her words, having a hard time focusing on anything other than simply how desperately she wanted the alpha, and more specifically where she wanted her.

"You are licking your lips Lexa. Is there something you want to tell me? A reason why you didn't remove those pajamas of yours as I ordered?" Clarke maneuvered herself up onto the bed, standing upright from her knees as she made her way close to her mate, still stroking herself all the while.

"I! Oh fuck, Clarke. You."

"I what my beautiful alpha?" Clarke slid one hand up Lexa's leg as she approached.

There was a dry crack of Lexa's voice before she tried to swallow down her hungry salivation, only to have her mouth immediately water for Clarke all over again. "You look so strong… confident… with that, that thing right there, sticking out from between your legs, so strong, so large!" Lexa's voice was barely even a whisper as she approached something far beyond her breaking point.

"You sound like you are having some trouble there baby?" Clarke's palm pushed gently against Lexa's covered river of a cunt, only to then ignore it and then continue her way up, grabbing a rough handful of Lexa's right breast, pinching the nipple roughly, and then return to proceeding upwards all the way until her palm found the alpha's cheek.

Lexa squirmed, then howled, any will she had left completely deteriorating in the palm of Clarke's hand. When Clarke gently pressed her thumb against Lexa's lower lip, there was no will, no alpha pride to stop her from taking the appendage beyond her lips, licking it lewdly, loving it with her mouth as she wrapped her lips down around it and sucked gently.

The act drenched Clarke to the point she only prayed Lexa had been smarter than her and purchased a pair of boxer harness which were actually able to get wet without turning to a death trap, but even if they did become such a trap? In return for the exquisite experience of getting to watch her mate suckle on her thumb, maybe even another appendage, and anything which might follow; it would be a perfect trade.

"Want, Want you!" Lexa croaked out, Clarke's thumb still hanging out of her mouth.

"Did you want to taste it? To take it in your mouth before I strip you bare, fuck that soaked little pussy of yours? KNOT you?" Clarke offered up.

Lexa's teeth bit down slightly on Clarke's thumb. "Please. I want to… I want to taste you."

"Atta girl. Now was that so hard?" Clarke pulled down Lexa's jaw, moving closer as she brought her tip up to that spot which has been holding her gaze with such strength.

Lexa pressed her lips down to the tip, Clarke's finger retracting as she kissed the peak and swallowed down whatever hesitation lingered. "No, my alpha." Before she knew it, her hand had replaced Clarke's at the base of the alpha's cock. It felt so much better than she remembered from the store; so so much better! "I love you." The words were whimpers more than anything else as they left her mouth in between soft suctions and loving laps at Clarke's tip.

Clarke had begun bucking softly into her alpha's loving display, her head falling back as the toy's base rocked mind-numbingly against her clit. "That's it, keep going baby!" She panted, breaths growing heavier as her body heated, craving to do dirtier and dirtier, obscenely disgusting things to her mate; to fuck Lexa's every single hole, and not even dare stop until Lexa could do nothing but pant and whine in sexual satisfaction.

"Yes, my alpha." Lexa obeyed, slowly taking Clarke's length deeper, rolling her head in an intentional pattern to rock the strap against Clarke more.

"I'm going to fuck you so good my beautiful girl." Clarke raised her hand from Lexa's cheek to the back of her head. "This ok?" She whispered, breaking the unyielding dominant facade for only a moment.

"Yes! Dear god yes!" Lexa panted out, Clarke's hand forcing her down as she broke, sucking and moaning on her mate.

"That's my fucking girl!" Clarke rejoiced as she thought she might cum just from the breathtaking sight of Lexa gobbling her down in such a lewd display.

"Clarke! Fuck!" Lexa whined, the tip unceremoniously hitting the back of her throat before she could get much farther than halfway.

"Fuck baby! You are too good at this!" Clarke continued rocking her hips up, wanting to see Lexa swallow the cock down just a little more than the alpha was actually capable of.

Lexa pushed back on Clarke's eager hips, desperate for a moment to breathe.

"Fuck! Sorry! Too much?" Clarke pulled back, now rocking her length against Lexa's breast, eager and impatient, adoring the sensation of feeling she finally had the right anatomy, even if it was just a silicone toy.

"Really enjoying yourself huh?"

Clarke blushed, her already rather red complexion from sexual excitement turning brighter in her embarrassment. "Really, really enjoying myself." Clarke's impatient alpha brain grew easily distracted as she eyed Lexa's breasts, dragging herself along the gentle mounds.

"You like that too? My easily distracted alpha."

"I! You know! You know I like your tits!" Clarke protested. Rocking her hips faster.

"I do now, do I?" Lexa unbuttoned her pajama top slowly, revealing her flesh.

"Damnit! Why are you so fucking beautiful?!" Clarke growled overly horny and desperate to feel more, dragging her core against Lexa's abdomen for friction as she found the perfect place just between the alpha's breasts.

"Aww? You wanna feel them against your hard cock?" Lexa was perfect at taunting her mate.

Clarke's mind melted immediately, for some reason the idea of Lexa active assisting her with those beautiful breasts hadn't actually dawned on her in the lusty haze.

"Yes?" Lexa cracked a wide smile, pressing her breasts up with her upper arms to form a more stark valley for her mate.

"God I fucking love you!" Clarke bent down and kissed her mate.

"I love you too baby. Tonight is about you. Anything my alpha wants. I wanna make you feel good." Lexa kissed back, horny and hungry for Clarke's pleasure.

"What you want matters too." Clarke assured, bucking up again and nipping at Lexa's lower lip.

"Fucking Christ! When you finally get down there I'm gonna look like an omega in heat I'm dripping so much for you." Lexa griped.

"I absolutely adore that idea." Clarke reached behind her and grabbed at Lexa's sex so wet she could feel it through the alpha's pajamas.

"Oh fucking…" Lexa writhed up and moaned in a beautiful desperate closeness that faded away almost the moment it came, Clarke's hand pulling away.

The alpha atop her brought that hand right up to her mouth, licking up at the slick. "You taste absolutely divine."

"Clarke… You are going to need to speed up! Before I throw you down and fucking ride you, desperate for your knot." Lexa threatened, her core tightening with a severe lack of patience.

"An idea for another day my love; a delightful idea." Clarke whispered to Lexa and then nipped at her ear.

"Then speed up! Please!" Lexa whined.

"Aww my wonderful alpha is so impatient and needy for me, isn't she?" Clarke cooed, pawing at both of Lexa's breasts.

"You are such a fucking asshole!" Lexa's cheeks burned a bright red as she averted her gaze, despising the taunts in a guiltily pleasurable way.

"That's my girl. All embarrassed and horny over it." Clarke sat back up, pushing Lexa's breasts together as she rocked her hips up.

"I! What! I never!" Lexa buried half her face deeper into the pillows she had laid out for herself.

"You look me in the eyes and tell me you don't like being teased like that." Clarke pinched at Lexa's nipples, rocking her hips up along and enjoying herself in ways she had never had the opportunity to before.

Lexa whimpered and whined, arching her back as Clarke toyed with her nipples, unable to focus, much less bring herself to lie to the alpha teasing her.

"Aww desperate little alpha getting overly impatient?" Clarke taunted the moment that she noticed Lexa's legs fidgeting, clearly attempting to garner some amount of friction, any lick of satisfaction in the face of her alpha teasing her cock along her chest.

Lexa whine louder, her hips bucking up, swearing that she might lose herself in the torture of Clarke taunting her. "How… how did you know I like that?" She gritted her teeth, embarrassment overwhelming as it fed into her issue of arousal.

"Like what baby girl?" Clarke purred, pulling and pinching at Lexa's nipples more, just enjoying how it made Lexa squirm

"Clarke!" Lexa whined out the name, nearly attempting to buck Clarke off of her she was whining and writhing so much.

"Aww, you are so sexy all desperate and whimpering with me on top of you."

"Clarke!" Lexa pulled at the back of her alpha's knees, requiring some handle as she lingered embarrassed. "How did you know that I was into… into… being taunted… made to need my mate?"

"Oh please, Ms. 'Most of the alphas I've met are more into testing each other's dominance by saying stuff like that'."

"I…"

"You said it to me-"

"The night we met." Lexa's jaw dropped, somehow surprised that Clarke remembered.

"Yes." Clarke nodded, shifting lower on the bed, and moving to kiss her dumbstruck mate.

"I love you."

"I love you too." Clarke slipped her fingers in under the waistband of Lexa's pajamas. "My desperate, impatient, needy little alpha." Clarke's firm hands directed Lexa to roll her hips up against the protrusion from between her legs.

Just the hint of defiance flared back to Lexa's eyes, her core wrenching tighter in ache as Clarke pushed perfectly against the pajamas halfway down her hips, just over her entrance. "I will pay you back for this when we aren't basking in the first time you get to play 'cocky' alpha." Lexa's eyebrows pumped at the pun.

"Just try to remember that as I'm filling you whole and making you cry out in pleasure." Clarke nipped at Lexa's neck.

"Looking forward to it love." Lexa rose her head to press her forehead against the crook of Clarke's neck, breathing the alpha's proud scent in as she wrapped her arms around her mate, preparing herself for what was to come.

"That's my beautiful mate. You've been very patient for me haven't you?"

"Yes, my alpha!" Lexa was overly eager to finally have the desperately growing ache sated. She still couldn't stop breathing in Clarke's rapturous odor, something of a blessing and a curse; it thankfully soothed that corner of her alpha who was still raging about how she should be scared that her mate might never see her as strong or able to provide again. But it also served to remind her in painstaking detail of exactly how heated her body had become, how desperately she needed Clarke to hold her down and finally give her the knot she had been promised.

"I'm gonna slip your pajamas off now." Clarke took up a softer tone, catching just how tightly wound Lexa had become. "And then you are gonna feel so good baby girl. With me slipping deep inside you? Your beautiful sweet little pussy stretching and swallowing down my cock. You are gonna feel so good." Clarke ushered gently, slipping the bottoms beyond Lexa's ass.

The alpha ruined in need gasped as she felt the cold air only heated by the two alpha's bodies brushing against her suddenly exposed and slick coated sex. She clung to Clarke tighter for just a moment, almost clawing into the alpha's back as the promised relief simply couldn't come fast enough.

Noticing Lexa's startled desperation, Clarke lifted herself right to the entrance, gently stroking around Lexa's swollen clit with the tip of her thumb as her blunt head pressed to her mate's luscious lips.

Lexa's eyes flung open and a scream broke through her throat, her body tensing so suddenly. Nails dug into Clarke's back as the other alpha's hips bucked up for more of the thumb against her super sensitive section of nerves. She didn't even notice as her head moved, her open mouth finding the perfect thing to help muddle her pleasurable cries as she found Clarke's neck and bit at it for dear life.

Clarke growled low, she could tell what had just happened and even if she couldn't, Lexa's scent gave more than enough of a hint to figure it out with ease. "You just-" Clarke was cut off as she brushed her nose against Lexa's neck just enough to make the alpha shutter, her body threatening to tip over again so easily.

"Shut up!" The embarrassed words were almost impossible to make out as Lexa's jaw was still digging into Clarke's flesh, threatening to give her a whole new mating mark.

"I am glad you are enjoying yourself love." Clarke kissed at Lexa's neck quivering with desperate yet almost inaudible whines for more. "Are you ready?" She did her best to line it up right with Lexa's entrance, just ever so slightly pressing the tip in; only enough to warn Lexa of what would come next if she was ready.

Lexa released her bite, only leaving an intense bruise and a slight mark where Clarke's skin had broken for her. "Yes. I'm ready for you. I love you. I need you." Her gentle fingertips soothed over where her nails had so recently clawed into her mate's raw flesh. "Give me your knot. Make me yours all over again Clarke." Lexa pulled back from where she had been leaving kisses which requested forgiveness at the shallow bite. "Make me yours all over again Clarke." Her eyes met the alpha's as she repeated her own words.

Clarke stole Lexa up in a kiss, timing it perfectly as she slipped herself in, penetrating her mate slowly but with purpose; belabored, loving, adoration filled purpose. She would do exactly as her mate had requested of her. This would be a recommitment of sorts, a renewal of all the vows being someone's alpha entails. They would be better; she would be better, all the things she should have been these past months that the two had functionally lost in their pseudo separation spawned by grief. She would do it all with a knot, a kiss, and if Lexa wished, another bite.

It was a sharp combined inhale and exhale that followed the swift insertion, leaving Lexa gasping breathless and shuttering, reeling as she pulled from their kiss only to regain the air she had lost.

"That's it. I want you to enjoy my love." ." Clarke pulled back only to slide right back in, cautious not to go too deep too quickly.

"More!" Lexa cried out in a soft quiet plea.

"Is that what my alpha wants?"

Lexa clung tighter to Clarke.

"That what my alpha needs?" Clarke awaited just the slightest of nods from her mate while slowly thrusting with a caring tempo. Just as it came, she bucked in hard, sheathing herself almost all the way inside her mate. The only two inches left unattended were those which formed the slightly wider base of the knot. It wasn't much larger, and certainly not while it wasn't inflated, but it was more than nothing, and she was not interested in hurting her mate the first time they used the glorious new toy.

"I want… Oh! God! I need! I need your knot! Clarke! Please!" Lexa wrapped her legs around Clarke, fighting to pull her in closer, desperate to feel that final burning stretch, more than aware that it was all she needed to finally tip over into a second climax much more satisfying than the first.

"Not yet my love. Not yet." Clarke whispered, repeating strokes of the same depth as Lexa quickly grew impatient.

"Clarke!" Lexa tried to growl, but she was interrupted by Clarke bucking back inside her, the growl turning to an ecstasy induced whine.

"I love you, I love having you like this. Desperate, whining and pleading for me. It is so beautiful to have you like this, panting, moaning, desperate." Clarke knew just the word to harp on, the word that would drive Lexa towards her breaking point, pushing her to the level that she couldn't help but break and beg, plead for the knot Clarke so desperately wanted to give her.

"Clarke! Please!" Lexa's attempt at an order was far too feeble to be considered even so much as a request. "Please! I wanna feel you knot me!" Lexa pulled at Clarke with her legs pressing at the alpha's ass, urging her mate to give her more. "Need you." Lexa nipped at Clarke's neck just hard enough to get Clarke's full attention.

"Need it huh?" Clark cracked a wider smile.

"Yes!" Lexa grunted into her apologetic kisses at Clarke's neck.

"Ok love, do you want…" Clarke trailed off, slipping that last two inches inside slowly as she kissed Lexa's neck, right above her scent gland. It was an intentional choice, picking Lexa's left scent gland to kiss and suck at as she slipped the base of herself all the way in. It was her way of requesting to mark Lexa again, to leave a permanent reminder for the renewal of their dedication to each other. "As I knot you?"

"Fuck that's it! More!" Lexa pleaded, feeling Clarke pull back out and slam herself back in.

"Do you want it?" Clarke repeated, sucking and teasing her teeth at Lexa's scent gland.

"I!" Lexa's voice hitched, her orgasm threateningly close, she could feel it, it was unavoidable; inevitable, she could feel herself teetering over already, all that was left was to fall.

"Ready for the knotting?" Clarke found the inflation pump somewhere amongst the sheets, keeping a steady rhythm to distract herself from the slight disheartened feeling that the idea of not being allowed to mark Lexa once more filled her heart with.

"I… I want…" Lexa panted out, her body wavering under the impending climax.

"I know. It's coming love." Clarke bucked the rest of the way in, her hips slamming perfectly against Lexa's just before she began to inflate the knot.

"Want... mark!" Lexa cried out just as Clarke began with the rough and hasty pumps that filled up the knot, stretching Lexa in ways her alpha biology wasn't prepared for.

Clarke's ears perked mid third pump. "You sure?!"

Lexa was already mid-climax, and she had no control over her vocal cords as they had already begun in a rapturous orgasmic howl. So instead she nodded and pulled Clarke's head close to the unmarked second scent gland.

"Mine. My beautiful alpha." Clarke praised before finding just the right spot to dig her teeth in, breaking Lexa's flesh with ease, the alpha screaming under her in the combination of pleasure and pain. "That's my girl, that's it." Clarke mumbled into the bite, licking up at what blood escaped.

Lexa loved the feeling of being marked again and almost felt guilty for having been so preoccupied in her pleasure to not respond quick enough. But she had gotten her desire and consent across all the same. Even after her climax had ebbed, Lexa could feel Clarke rolling her hips deeper, clearly grinding her clit against the packer in an effort to achieve her own release. Once her body had calmed enough that she could move with some level of control Lexa raised her hand to caress Clarke's cheek. "Having some trouble tipping over there love?"

Clarke grunted into Lexa's scent gland where her jaw was still locked.

"Go slower, getting your climax in this new way might be hard."

Clarke's erratic grinds and bucks found some form of a regular rolling motion at a much slower pace, obeying as her beloved mate suggested.

"There, isn't that better?" Lexa guided Clarke's hips.

"So… Close!" Clarke complained through the flesh between her teeth.

Lexa fumbled around, finding something else in the sheets. "Release the bite baby, I have something to show you for when you cum."

"Hmm?" Clarke released and pulled away from the bite. Her jaw dropped the moment she saw it.

"You press down on this and it-"

"Ohh I know what it does!" Clarke's eyes lit up, the sheer idea almost enough to get her the rest of the way there.

"Then why don't you cum, and fill me with all your seed, alpha!" Lexa waggled her eyebrows, bucking her hips up, taunting Clarke as she handed off the syringe that held the cum lube.

Clarke growled deep and pleased, rolling her hips just right as she found the right pace, pushing the plunger down harshly as she hit her peak.

"Mhmm! That's it! Fill me up with your seed baby." Lexa rolled her hips, the feeling of the phallus shooting inside her both shocking and delightful.

"My alpha! My mate!" Clarke snarled possessive and proud.

"All your love." Lexa hugged, pulling Clarke close.

"F… fuck… that was… Oof that was nice." Clarke collapsed into her mate.

"That was all I wanted. I wanted you to enjoy. To get a moment to be yourself."

"I know my love. Thank you so much, this was amazing." Clarke cuddled up in the bed.

"That's my girl."

"All yours."

End of Chapter 51

Chapter Text

Chapter 52

"That's them! That's them! It has to be them!" Raven was practically running circles in their bed, eager and impatient to sprint out into the living room to greet her friend. No, no that wasn't true at all. This wasn't eagerness, It may have been coated in that as a pretext, but what it really was; it was fear, anxiety, and worry all rolled up into the singular question. Was it really her friend returning home? Or the alcoholic shell of a woman who Raven had watched do everything she possibly could to hurt and wound those she loved most?

"No." Octavia growled drowsily, pulling her omega closer on the mattress.

Raven whined.

"No. It is six in the morning, I don't work today, you don't have classes until noon, and we are spending today in bed. My pregnant omega will rest." Octavia and her sealed eyes were far from finished with the short litany of reasons she was all prepped to deliver.

"But! But! But! Clarke is home!" Raven fidgeted. "I haven't seen her in-" Raven left her own appeal hanging. "I wanna go see my friend!"

Octavia pulled her mate over to face her from having her back pressed up against the alpha now to bring the two face to face. "You can go see her if you want, and if you wish, I will join you. But I think it is for the best if we give them some time to readjust. Let them settle back in." Octavia left a gentle kiss at the omega's lips.

Raven whimpered and pouted as the kiss ended. Inching her way closer to the alpha. She wanted to make a counter argument but on some level, she knew that Octavia was right, that giving Lexa and Clarke some time to breathe would be for the best.

"You know what baby? I bet you that in a couple hours Clarke will be knocking on our door, eager to know how your new nests have been treating you." Octavia pulled some spare strands of Raven's hair out of her face and tucked them behind her ear.

"I hope so. I really hope so." Raven tucked her head down, burying her face into Octavia's neck.

"That's my girl." Octavia wrapped her arms around the omega, pulling her in close with gentle loving kisses and nuzzles.

"I want her to be ok."

"I am sure she is."

"I just really really want her to be ok." Raven repeated into her little nook of a home in the alpha's neck.

"I know baby. I know." Octavia did her best to adjust her scent in a way that would soothe her anxious mate.

"Alpha." Raven half whispered half whimpered.

"Shh, shh." Octavia held the omega closer.

"But! But what if-"

"No. She will be ok. I know she will. Clarke may be an idiot, but she is a strong alpha. Now that she knows what giving into those weaknesses did to you and Lexa… she won't let herself slip back into that. She loves you two… loves this family too much to allow herself to falter like that again." Octavia's muscular arms wrapped around Raven were just enough to aid in convincing her; swaying her to believe that the wonderful reassuring words from her alpha.

"My alpha." Raven repeated into Octavia as she felt her mate's fingers stroking and massaging down her spine in just a perfect way that reminded her to breathe and not just to get caught up in her stress and fear.

"My omega." Octavia returned, a soothing growl of a huff thudding through her throat for her mate.

Raven practically crumbled into her alpha, pouting, purring, and clinging back into her mate's strength.

"That's my girl. Let's get some more sleep." Octavia was near sleepily slurring her words as her eyes slipped shut once more.

"Sleep." Raven agreed settling in and snuggling up.

"Good girl." Octavia gently grabbed at the omega's ass, enjoying as it made Raven yelp and press herself against the alpha more.

"Nooo!" Lexa laughed, pulling Clarke back by her hips.

The alpha spun around with a displeased demeanor.

"No! It is six in the morning!" Lexa hushed her lecturing tone.

"But! But! I haven't seen Raven in!" Clarke looked down at her fingers as she counted. Art was her strong suit, not math. "Four days!"

"Mhmm." Lexa gave a displeased look.

"C'monn!"

"Do you know what I would do to you if I were Octavia and you woke my pregnant mate up at six in the morning just to say hi?"

Clarke frowned.

"What would you do if I was pregnant and someone woke me up that early!?"

Clarke huffed and turned away. "Packer and strap or not, that isn't gonna happen so don't play with me like that!"

"I'm sorry. That was nearsighted of me. I didn't mean to hit a sore spot." Lexa's tone was honest but also clearly surprised.

"It's fine." Even out of sight, the action of Clarke rolling her eyes was so loud it was audible.

"Baby."

"It's fine." Clarke echoed, this time much more convincing.

"No, it isn't." Lexa noted, a hint of surprise clear. She had thought it was just jokes and playing, but now it was much more obvious that Clarke was actually hurting.

"It's!" Clarke inhaled sharply, catching herself in a far too familiar pattern of pushing the alpha she loved away at the sight of the slightest misspoken word or phrase. "A sensitive subject for me and… and I think I need to start processing it a lot more than I have so far."

"We can do that. We can schedule some therapy. Nyko must know someone experienced in processing grief like this. Someone who won't misgender you or mess up when it comes to all that." Lexa wrapped her arms around the alpha, squeezing her tight from behind.

Clarke silently nodded, pressing her cheek to the side of her alpha's head as Lexa rested it on her shoulder.

"Thank you." Lexa whispered into Clarke's neck with a kiss. "I know this isn't easy for you." Lexa comforted.

"It isn't. But… I need to do better, share when I feel… when I am upset like that. Instead of pushing you away like I have been." Clarke felt Lexa take her hands in her own. Crossing them over Clarke in a loving hug.

"Strong."

"What?"

"My alpha is strong." Lexa clarified with a kiss to Clarke's cheek.

Clarke wanted to go back to her pouting, but instead, she did what she had to in order to actually earn that adjective that made her heart soar and sore simultaneously. "Thanks love." Clarke sighed and caressed the back of Lexa's hands with her thumbs, offering what little comfort she felt capable of giving in that moment. "I love you."

"And I you." Lexa squeezed back.

"It's still early." Clarke paused. "And I know I got to sleep in the car ride back but."

"I would love to have some early morning nap time with my alpha." Lexa purred into her mate.

"You got less sleep than I did, go ahead, hop into bed and I will lug everything in from the car."

"No, the stuff in the car can wait. I want my alpha. I want cuddles and my alpha holding me in bed." Lexa requested, swaying on her feet with Clarke in her arms.

"You sure love?"

"Yeah." Lexa cooed, urging them both towards their bedroom.

"I miss our bed." Clarke allowed herself to be guided by her alpha.

Lexa chuckled. "You are telling me?!"

Clarke sighed. "I… wasn't thinking."

"It's ok. I just miss it too."

"But it is my fault that you haven't felt comfortable in our bed for so long." Clarke released Lexa's hands and fought the hug to turn around; her guilt and shame pushing her to face the alpha she loved.

"No. I won't have you beating yourself up over this. We were… you were just coming home after such a traumatic experience." Lexa caressed her mate's cheek before kissing her gently. "No blaming yourself. No beating yourself up over it all."

"Ok." Clarke's eyes only betrayed her slightly, allowing only the slightest hint of doubt that she actually could forgive herself so easily.

"Naptime." Lexa pulled at Clarke's arm.

"Wha?" Clarke stirred from her own thoughts.

"Naptime, remember?" Lexa coaxed what bags were still in Clarke's hands out from her grip and then placed them down on the ground.

"Oh, yeah. Guess I am really tired?"

"You are stressed and feeling guilty." Lexa corrected.

"Maybe a little?" Clarke performed her strained smile.

"It's ok." Lexa pulled Clarke close and wrapped her arms around the stressed alpha's worry filled mind.

Clarke's voice raspy with relief replied back in appreciation. "Thank you."

"Of course." Lexa whispered back, pulling Clarke along, dragging her towards their room.

"Aww come on! It's nine now!" Raven complained with an exaggerated toss and a turn in the bed.

"I am tired damnit." Octavia groaned, pulling her mate back towards her.

Raven glanced back at the alpha and growled.

"I! But! But! But Clarke has been home for hours! Hours and she hasn't come to our door like you said!"

"Baby. If they got here at six, then it probably means that they got on the road at three or something. That cabin isn't close. The most likely explanation is just that they are tired and catching some sleep before… Well, Lexa doesn't really have scheduled hours at anything, but Clarke probably has classes to attend today or something." Octavia reasoned through sealed eyes, slowly digging herself deeper into her pillow as she gently urged Raven to lay back down next to her.

Raven huffed and puffed despite rolling back into her alpha. "I wanna see my friend."

"I know."

"I need to see her!" Raven pawed at the bedding.

"You are gonna make me wake up aren't you?"

"C'monn!" Raven nudged her alpha on the bed.

"You evil bitch."

"Are you seriously saying that to the mother of your child?" Raven snickered.

"Heinous evil bitch who hates the glorious beauty of sleep and sleeping in." Octavia corrected through ironclad eyes.

"Baby!" Raven half whined.

"You realize that once this one's here we won't be able to sleep in anymore?" Octavia ran her hand over the omega's belly.

"I don't care! Get up!"

"But cuddles. Cuddles in a warm bed with your mate."

"Seeing my best friend again!" Raven insisted with a follow-up nudge near enough to push Octavia right out of the bed.

The alpha shrieked unceremoniously as she nearly toppled out of the bed and onto the floor. "I hate you." Raven's eyes were now open, and any hope of sleep disappeared with each beat of her racing heart spreading adrenaline through her from the near fall.

"Love you too babe! Now let's go see Clarke and Lexa!"

"You are the worst."

"Love you!" Raven was already not only out of bed but also dragging Octavia out of it along with her before she had finished.

The alpha's final protests failed as her mat dragged her out of the bed. "Fine! Uugh, you are lucky that I love you too damnit."

"Good! Now come on O!" Raven's victorious smile so wide it was almost grating; almost.

"Yeah, yeah." Octavia studied herself on her feet and accompanied the omega along despite the sleep which still clung to the corners of her still half sealed eyes.

"Good alpha!" Raven patronizingly patted Octavia on the top of her head.

Octavia growled back in a playfully displeased tone. "I swear, if they didn't come home today, and this is just like yesterday when you heard the neighbors opening and closing their door!"

"If it is! If it is!" Raven wound herself up, coiling tighter than her coil should ever really have allowed. "Then I'm gonna lose my fuckin mind Octavia!"

"Woah, Woah, Woah." O traced her hands down Raven's sides, pulling her back before she could make her way out the door to their room.

"O!" "Raven whined.

"She is gonna be ok."

"Yeah! Well! How can I know that!" Raven's breaths transformed to terrified pants and huffs with each fearful syllable. "I love you! A! And I trust you! But! But O! You can't know! There is no certain way to prove that she is ok! That Lexa is ok! That our family is ok!"

"Ok. Ok. I get it. I get it love." Octavia pulled Raven close.

"You said she would come to our door!" Raven pushed her mate gently in her fear and anger.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"It is almost nine am now! Come on! Wake up!" Clarke pounced on Lexa, nuzzling at her mate's neck and nipping at her.

Lexa moaned gently, half asleep as she felt her alpha's teeth on her neck. She could still heel her core a little sore from the previous night's wonderful activities, memories of Clarke sliding herself inside her as she felt the alpha's second marking breaking through her flesh. "Clarke?"

"Wake up!" Clarke's brain was certainly focused on something drastically different from the drowsy alpha under her.

"That's nice. More." Lexa extended her neck, offering herself up for Clarke.

"Wake up!" Clarke's eager tone finally cut through to her alpha.

"What's up baby?" Lexa's eyes fluttered open as a blush finally hit her cheeks at the realization that Clarke wasn't waking her for sex.

"I wanna go see Raven!"

"Then go see her." Lexa rolled over, hiding her head into Clarke's neck with shame. "And let this alpha sleep."

Clarke fidgeted, pulling her mate in closer. "I… I'm afraid."

"Afraid of what?" Lexa cuddled up, still resisting the idea of forfeiting any chance she might get any more sleep.

"That! That she will hate me or something! Lexa! I! I hurt her too. You know."

"I know. But she is your best friend, and she loves you Clarke. Probably as much as I do." Lexa settled in to actually waking.

"I know… but."

"Ok. Ok. I'll come with. Plus I'm sure Octavia will wanna know how it all went too." Lexa cuddled up to Clarke, clinging to those last drops of sleepy snuggling.

"Well come on then! Wake up!" Clarke pulled at Lexa's arm.

"You were the one who suggested naptime."

"Lexa!"

"Yes yes, let's go." Lexa groaned as she sat up.

"I love you." Clarke leaned in and kissed her alpha.

"I love you too, and regardless of how lazy or tired I am, I am glad that you feel comfortable coming to me for support again." Lexa pulled Clarke in closer.

"I'm sorry that I ever stopped." She didn't even try to fight the tears that came with that, allowing herself to simply cry into her alpha.

"It's ok. It is all gonna be ok." Lexa patted Clarke's back, soothing her softly. She was immensely thankful for what the previous night's events had done for Clarke's confidence in her gender; that she could cry like this and not be outwardly terrified of seeming less viable as an alpha.

"What was that?" Octavia's eyes lit up, any hint of tiredness melting away.

Raven's voice caught in her throat, nothing more than a croak of anxiety lurching out.

Octavia chuckled and cracked a wider smile as she heard a second knock on the door and then the faint almost inaudible whispers.

"They are asleep, like we should be."

"No. No, I heard something." Clarke dismissed with a wave of her hand.

"That's!"

"Oh! I am good, I am soo good." Octavia threw her head back and rejoiced in being right.

"Raven?" Clarke's unhushed voice traveled from behind the closed door with a third series of knocks.

"Clarke!" Raven yelped, nearly jumping up and down in her alpha's arms.

Clarke's hand shot back, grabbing Lexa's for support.

Lexa squeezed her mate's fingers tight and kissed Clarke's cheek. "It's gonna be ok."

"Raven." Clarke's voice trembled. "Are you up?" It was simply the first thing that came to her mind.

The omega giggled. "Yeah, yeah, I'm up Clarke."

"C… can I come in?" Clarke choked up.

The door swung open, an in almost the same instant Raven came all but flying out, nearly tackling Clarke down to the floor.

"Do you wanna get your alpha off of my omega." Octavia squinted displeased, something about her alpha biology overzealously possessive.

"Hey, Raven jumped on to her." Lexa defended her mate.

"Hey Raven!" Clarke hugged back from under Raven on the floor.

"I was worried about you damnit!" Raven refused to let go.

"I know. I know." Clarke patted the worried omega in the back, rubbing her hand up and down, a combination of soothing and attempting to remind Raven that there was an activity displeased alpha staring down at them.

"You could have called! Or texted or something!"

"Ehh! That is my fault." Lexa raised her hand guiltily. "I tried to keep us focused on each other, not on phones while we were on our retreat upstate.

"Sorry Raven."

"You are back, and that is what matters."

"Baby." Octavia faked an impatient cough.

Raven looked up and realized that her alpha was growing frustrated at the sight of her on top of another alpha. "S… sorry!" Raven hopped back up to her feet and offered Clarke a hand up before returning to Octavia's side.

Octavia growled low and wrapped her arms around Raven, intentionally placing her hands over Raven's belly.

"Oh hush." Raven kissed Octavia's cheek in her attempt to calm the growly alpha.

"Mine." Octavia silenced her growls, but still indulged her alpha instincts, holding her pregnant omega close.m

"Yeah yeah." Clarke smiled, leaning back against her own mate, and looked back to Octavia with almost flattered eyes.

"Keep your hands to yourself alpha." Octavia teased and stuck her tongue out. "This one's mine."

"She is my best friend. Calm down."

"She is an alpha."

"Thanks O." Clarke took a moment to bask in all the gender validation the past twenty-four hours had been.

"So…" Raven's eyes darted around. "Are you ok? Did… did it work!"

"Yeah. It worked." Clarke nodded and looked to Lexa. "It worked because I had this one holding me when I needed her."

"Anytime love."

"So you are ok?"

"Yeah. I think I will be. But I do have some healing left to do. I'm sorry-" Raven had already hugged Clarke fill of forgiveness before her friend could finish.

"I'm just glad you are ok!"

"Thanks Raven, thank you." Clarke hugged back.

"What about school!? What is going on with your classes!? Are you going to be ok? What is going on with that?" Raven released.

"Talked with most of my teachers, I definitely have a lot of work to cram in for the next couple months, and one teacher didn't get back to me, but I should be ok. My advisor said I might be able to get a medical extension for anything my last professor won't accept."

"Good. You scared me damnit!"

"I know. I have class with her in a couple hours."

"I'll drive you to campus, I have class at noon too."

"Yay." Clarke paused. "Now, what about your nests? How are they?!"

Raven's smile stretched ear to ear as her eyes glimmered. "Perfect!"

End of Chapter 52

By the way! Wanna talk with more the 100/ clexa fans? Hang and chat in a safe space with other LGBTQ+ folk? I recently made a discord server, you are welcome to join! It's free, and just a place I hope people can chat and feel safe! Link for the server on my tumblr: hopefulbadgerjunara

Chapter Text

Chapter 53

"Today's the day! Today's the day! Today's the day!" Lexa cheered with a nuzzle at her sleepy alpha's throat.

"What do you have against a good sleeping in." Clarke rolled over onto the other alpha with a groan.

"Whaa! Steam roller!?" Lexa faked a worried scream only to have it die out into the duo giggling together.

Clarke rolled back over Lexa once or twice more for good measure before settling on top of her, rocking her hips up and pressing her favorite new rainbow packer against the alpha under her.

"Uugh baby, a girl can only take so many knottings in one week!" Lexa applied a small peck onto her mate's cheek.

"That's not what someone said last night." Clarke growled pleased, rocking herself up again. It was a divine experience, the gender euphoria of feeling even just the packer press back against her clit as she watched Lexa react to the cock poking her just right.

"We all know no one is to be held accountable for what they say while cumming." Lexa smiled back.

"That is only after three or more consecutive orgasms." Clarke snickered, knowing what would happen next, and already immeasurably amused with herself.

Lexa's smile died out to an unamused scowl. "We both know it was after more than three."

"Yeah, it was." Clarke indulged further in her small section of alpha pride and kissed at Lexa's neck.

"Baby!" Lexa moaned. "I am sore!" Even mid complaint, she was far too easily distracted with Clarke's teeth teasing at her neck, nipping and sucking just enough to make her shiver.

"I love you so much."

"I know. But right now my pussy doesn't love you." Lexa pouted.

"Well, maybe she would like some kisses?" Clarke offered with a harder, more seductive nip at Lexa's exposed neck.

"Na- OHH!" Lexa's voice traveled away betraying her in her own weakness.

Clarke pulled her hips away. "What was that hun? I couldn't quite hear you right." It was a fun little way to confirm consent for Clarke, just a soft and loving double-check.

"You are an ass Clarke." Lexa moaned softly to emphasize that she was just teasing.

"Oh? Am I now?" Clarke snickered under her breath.

"Yeah you are! Because you got me all horny again!" Lexa performed an exaggerated pout before relaxing and kissing Clarke's nose.

"Well, it is an alpha's duty to provide for her mate, so I guess I should just…" Clarke trailed off as she began to shimmy down the bed.

"Oh hell no you don't!" Lexa grabbed her mate before she could get beyond kissing at her bellybutton. "You can provide for my pussy by getting me an ice pack!"

Clarke's face contorted in far too much pride. "That good huh?"

"You are such an alpha and you need to calm down."

"Whatcha mean?"

"I mean my girlfriend is a dog who just wants to play with her new bones." Lexa's loving eyes pierced her mate.

"But you are the one who keeps putting it in your mouth." Clarke's grin grew far wider than her joke actual should have permitted.

"Maybe my alpha just doesn't want blow jobs anymore." Lexa shrugged. "No skin off my back. My jaw was getting sore anyways." She slipped out from under Clarke and hopped out of bed.

Clarke's jaw dropped, her eyes bulging with a disbelieving fear.

Lexa turned around to hide her snide smile. "Such a shame, never met an alpha who didn't like-"

"Not funny Lexa."

"I'm not being funny." Clarke could swear she heard her alpha chuckling at that comment. "You got that blood work done and sent in after class right?"

"Yeah, I missed office hours with my professor, but yeah." Lexa's change of topic distracted Clarke for just a moment. "Still not funny!" She huffed.
"Anyways, someone had a long day ahead of them, so I'm going to make breakfast." Lexa pulled the drawstring from her pajamas tight like affixing the final accouterment on a superhero outfit.

"Lexa." Clarke scuttered towards the edge of the bed and cautiously grazed her fingertips against the back of Lexa's hand. It was an intentional choice not to grab at the alpha like she wanted. Her instincts called for her just to grab her mate and pull her back to bed, to growl and hold her mate tight and then curl up against her once more.

It was a taunting eternity of a moment immediately following for Clarke, a horrible half-second where she was unsure if Lexa was actually mad or just teasing. "Yes babe?" Lexa's hand flicked around, grabbing Clarke's fingers in a soft reassuring grip.

"I didn't mean to-"

"I know. I know baby." Lexa sighed and turned around, taking Clarke's hand in both of her's and running her fingers over the back of her hand. "It's just…" Lexa chuckled softly to herself. "You are a bit like a teenager in her first rut, wanting to stick your dick in absolutely everything. And, don't get me wrong baby, I like it, and I sure as hell understand it. This one time! I got my knot stuck in the springs from under my aunt's couch cushion." Both Lexa and Clarke winced.

"In the spring?!"

"Oh yeah! And that shit doesn't just go down cause you got a spring end poking into it!"

Clarke shuttered, even if she hadn't ever had a knot with her nerves directly attached to it, she didn't even want to attempt to imagine the phantom sensation prying its way into her mind.

"Ohh, yes. And hun, I am happy you haven't fucked my couch yet." Lexa took a small pause, it clear that she wasn't done.

"But you wouldn't have been fucking the couch if you had a girlfriend to fuck till she went raw." Clarke deflated.

"Oh, baby I passed raw three days ago. I don't stretch like a biological omega, nor do I self lubricate quite as well."

"Fuck, I'm sorry."

"No. I should have said something a couple of days ago. I just… didn't want to ruin your fun. It was really nice seeing you so happy after such a long time." Lexa sat back down on the edge of the bed, raising a hand to caress Clarke's cheek. "I missed seeing you smile so fucking bad Clarke." Lexa whimpered softly in a hint of relief that Clarke's lips curled up at the end as the alpha pressed her cheek into her mate's palm.

"I missed smiling." Clarke nuzzled gently at the warm palm against her cheek, an extra-wide smile sprouting.

"Maybe just give my each and every hole a little break baby?"

Clarke snickered, hiding her face into Lena's palm and kissed it gently. "Only if I can fuck the couch."

"You ruin my couch and you will be sleeping on it for a month!"

"I don't want to spend another month away from you ever again." Clarke traced kisses slowly up Lexa's wrist, past her elbow, and all the way up to Lexa's shoulder.

"Me neither love. Me neither." Lexa calmed, stroking her hand down the back of Clarke's long mussed hair as her alpha leaned in and rested her head on her shoulder.

"Do you think I will be fucking the couch once the hormones kick in?"

"Didn't they say that without surgery your sex drive would be dead more or less outside of your cycle at that support group we went to a couple months back?" Lexa cautioned. She hadn't done as much research into the side effects which weren't life-threatening, but she did at least vaguely remember one of the members from the group they had attended talking about a less than whelming sex drive. It was of no concern to Lexa, she loved Clarke and her often insatiable sexuality, but that didn't matter a sliver to her in comparison to the potential happiness of her mate. However, she knew that regardless of her own opinions on the topic, Clarke would more than less likely be disheartened if the hormones killed her more primal urges.

"I uugh!" Clarke stalled unsure as her body tensed.

"Either way, it doesn't matter. What is important is you being comfortable in your skin love." Lexa leaned in and kissed at Clarke's forehead.

"I love you Lexa."

"I love you too baby. I just worry for you sometimes baby."

Clarke grimaced, knowing she had a tendency to cause worry.

Lexa grinned in return. "You worry me all the fucking time love." It was a weary grin, but certainly a loving one as well.

"I will work on that." Clarke sighed and cuddled closer, clinging to Lexa just a little more each moment, embracing Lexa's warmth. Her instincts were kicking back in, not the ones she loved, the delightful feeling from every time she looked down and saw one of the beautiful cocks her mate had purchased for her. No, this was the instincts she loathed. The ones which urged her to draw up to the alpha who had knotted and mated her, to offer herself up in a desperate growing heat, spread her legs and beg to get stuffed and filled. It had been months and months. Clarke clung closer with pangs of fear striking back at her. So long, safely avoiding the horrible heats she had dreaded… and now it was back?

"Baby?" Lexa noticed her mate's smile crumble.

Clarke just melted further into Lexa, her breaths grew heavier.

"Baby what's wrong?" No sooner had she asked than she could smell it, Clarke's hear rolling in, and hard. Clearly making up for lost time, this heat would be an event. "W- Woah." Lexa wavered, her alpha reacting for her mate's scent. It wasn't an intentional action, but nevertheless, her arms wrapped tighter around Clarke, pulling her into a protective hug.

Clarke's breath was panting, she couldn't control it. Her whole body tensed as her core tightened and performed painful summersaults calling out for her alpha, aching to feel Lexa against her, inside her. Her heats had never come this fast, this hard, this overwhelming. In the past, it had always been somewhat manageable, coming on over the course of at least a half-day or more. This, however, short of waking and immediately wanting to cuddle and fuck Lexa, there was an incredible dearth of any warning signs whatsoever. "F… fuck." Clarke gasped out.

"Clarke." Lexa groaned a growl, her cock stirring for Clarke's intensifying odor. "You, you're, fuck I can feel your cock against me."

"Sorry. I just…"

"You smell so good."

"You too." Lexa's eyes rolled back and almost disappeared along with a bulk of what was left of her restraint. Her hands slipped lower, grabbing at that beautiful ass of Clarke's, the one which could make her rock hard even outside of either of their ruts. Her growls grew deeper, sensual, and demanding as she grabbed at Clarke's flesh overflowing past a handful.

"God Lexa don't!"

"Fuck I'm sorry!" Lexa released immediately.

"Don't stop." Clarke sloppily crashed her lips against Lexa's, nearly falling out of the bed onto her in an aching impatient assault.

"Babe, are you sure?" Lexa gasped out after a lasting battle for dental dominance which concluded in them both deprived of oxygen.

"Rip this fucking strap off of me and use it on my ass as you fuck my pussy." Clarke pulled at the collar of Lexa's night sleeping tank.

"Woah."

"Damnit Lexa it hurts. It all hurts. I can feel my whole body-"

"Shh. It is gonna be ok. Your alpha is right here."

Clarke tried to growl but her voice came out more of a whimper.

"Are you sure about this love?" Lexa kissed at Clarke's exposed neck but she also revealed her own in a subtly submissive gesture, offering up that just because Clarke was in a heat didn't make her any less alpha.

Clarke again failed a growl. "Fuck I… it hurts."

"I know. I'm right here. I'm sorry love. I know your ruts can be really bad." Lexa slipped a hand under Clarke's shirt from behind and traced it against Clarke's flesh all the way around before slowly slipping down into the strap enabled boxer briefs. Deft fingers grazed past an as of late untamed naturally beautiful bush to find Clarke's core as it still actively soaked for her, wetness spreading over her flourishing fingers.

"Oh, Lexa! God that's nice but it isn't enough!"

"I'm sure it isn't my beautiful alpha."

Clarke had begun humping against Lexa's fingers as they spread her labia. The other alpha offered up some short whines, reminding Clarke that she wasn't the only one who felt a craving for the other. That even as a biological alpha, Lexa too was capable of aching and craving to feel the pleasure of sharing her body with her mate. It was a horribly embarrassing scene for the uncocked alpha, but she clung to those small reassurances. Every time Lexa offered up her neck in submission, called it a rut instead of the painful heat it was, reminded Clarke that she was, in fact, an alpha, and especially those beautiful needy whines, Clarke felt more herself than she ever had before she met the empathic alpha. Lexa knew, she just always knew. Or at least that is what it felt like for Clarke. That her mate always knew what she needed to be comfortable, to feel like herself even in the worst of times with a confoundingly spontaneous heat with a magnitude Clarke couldn't remember having ever been reached before. Lexa just knew.

"Come on baby, I need it. You smell so strong and I am dying to feel my alpha around me." This time Lexa even took Clarke's hand guiding it back to her cock, taking the opportunity to show Clarke how hard she was, how her cock pounded with each heartbeat, desperate to feel Clarke again.

Clarke's hand clasped around the hard cock, her core wrenching tighter and clamping painfully on nothing, her lungs attempting the same routine as she lost her breath in its entirety. "God it's."

"Needy for its alpha." Lexa whispered into Clarke's ear, parting her mate's lips further and caressing away with one finger at Clarke's wetness.

"Lexa!" Clarke's mouth shot open, gaping as she panted in need, bucking her hips up, grinding her clit against Lexa's palm.

"That's it, there's my alpha." Lexa pulled Clarke's hair back behind her ear, moaning as Clarke clamped her hand down on her cock, stroking it just enough to make Lexa's knees buckle. "Fuck baby! Please!"

"Get your fucking clothes off already! Fuck! It, I need this!" Clarke panted, ripping off her sleeping shirt and then Lexa's tank.

"God damn it, those are beautiful." Lexa's eyes locked onto her beloved mate's chest, damn near attacking at her favorite breasts in the world and knocking Clarke down in the process. Lexa's strained panties and Clarke's boxers came off soon after, Lexa sucking on one of Clarke's breasts and spreading the alpha's slick all over the other as she groped it with a delightful vigor.

"God baby, yes, thank you." Clarke moaned, allowing her head to fall back as Lexa proceeded with her work, kneading and sucking at pebbled and attentive nipples.

"Please alpha?" Lexa requested softly, Clarke's left breast still half sticking into her mouth. She timed her request well as to coincide with pressing her tip up against Clarke's entrance.

"Yes! Please! Please, Lexa." Clarke nodded weakly, Lexa returning to her work as her body curled in, slipping herself slowly inside.

"That's it, that's my girl." A little more of Lexa's alpha shown through, but Clarke was perfectly fine with it. The trans alpha's cravings for gender validation had been more than met and surpassed. She had what she needed to not feel weak or feeble as Lexa continued, but now she needed to have her heat sated. Lexa read her mate like a book. Not that Clarke couldn't in many ways do the same for Lexa, but Lexa was truly adept at the skill at delivering onto her mate what she needed.

"Yours." Clarke returned.

"Mine." Lexa echoed with another roll of her body driving her in further. "And I am yours." She clarified.

"Mine." Clarke rejoiced. "All mine."

"All yours.

"Fuck that feels good." Clarke's head swam, her body rewarding her for having indulged it's primal cravings so soon after they had hit. "But, I..." She trailed off as Lexa slid out and back in with what seemed to be an incomprehensible swift and seamless motion to Clarke.

"But you what love?" Lexa followed up, kissing up Clarke's breast towards her neck. "What's wrong sweetie?" She may have paused her kissed to check in on her alpha, but she did nothing to slow her deliberate pace. No, instead of slowing or stopping, Lexa allowed herself to speed as Clarke opened up for her more and more, the alpha's drenched core encasing her member with such a breathtaking heat that she doubted she could stop herself on her own unless Clarke needed her too.

"I… god, I wasn't kidding when I asked you to do the thing with my…" Clarke blushed despite already having her girlfriend inches inside her.

"Wha, what was that?" Lexa stammered as recognition and realization slipped down her face, her eyes widening and her jaw-dropping slightly. "You want me to-"

"God Lexa, please. Just! I! It hurts ok!? And I! Getting filled it!"

"Ok, ok." Lexa calmed in a whisper, her fingers tracing down the burning skin of Clarke's sides.

Clarke whined and attempted to stretch every which way, all for just another moment of contact with her alpha. Her fingers were a sadistic magical taunt coaxing her heat to calm under the touch of an alpha.

"That's it, that's a girl." Lexa kissed at Clarke's right breast this time, tasting Clarke's dried need still on it and coating it with the perfect scent of Clarke's sweet heat need. "Do you wanna be on your back or your hands and knees?"

"Hands and knees." Clarke fought the desperate whine of embarrassment which compulsively accompanied her begrudging admission of what she needed.

"Ok, ok love. Just relax. It will be ok my alpha." Lexa returned with a kiss, easing Clarke and occupying her lips before they got another chance to betray her with another needy whine.

Clarke kissed up needily, her heat craving everything Lexa was willing to give and more. She finally began to notice how her hips had naturally been moving up to meet Lexa each and every time Lexa pushed in, causing the alpha to bottom out and their hips to meet in just the way that made both of their biological dynamics sing in delight. "Fuck, that's it! Just like that!" Clarke praised at Lexa's efforts and how they eased the already painfully strong heat.

"I love you baby." Lexa introduced, her hands slipping under Clarke's hips.

"I love you too." Clarke interrupted before Lexa could finish, kissing back at her alpha, so impatient she had already forgotten her request.

"Is it ok if I turn you over now?" Lexa snickered, breaking away from the kiss much earlier than Clarke had expected.

"Oh fuck." Clarke moaned like she was captivated in a new idea, despite it having been her choice so recently.

"Baby?" Lexa coaxed Clarke back to reality by means of a soft caress and a firm buck.

Clarke cried out a deviant moan at the sturdy stroke of Lexa's cock penetrating deeper inside her. "Yes! God yes!" She agreed like she had finally woken from her stupor of erotic enjoyment.

"Ok then love." Lexa kissed at Clarke's cheek and prepared herself for the painful cry she expected to hear as she pulled out in order to turn Clarke over safely.

It came and it was excruciating. Lexa had braced herself but not enough. Clarke cried out, her dynamic demanding to have what was taken returned as her heat seared unsatiated. Lexa did her best to just focus on her task but it was a true challenge with her alpha lashing out at her, howling and complaining about doing so evil as to pull out of her mate in the midst of a mating. Clarke kicked and cried until she was turned over and settled on her knees, she couldn't remember a heat being so extreme or painful and even if it had been what she wanted, having Lexa pulled away from her made it all so much worse until her mate was back and pressing into her entrance.

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry love. It will be ok. I'm here, I'm right here." Lexa was quick to comfort with some swift soothing kisses at the back of Clarke's neck and up behind her ear.

Clarke shuttered easily calmed with the alpha's lips on her fragile skin.

"That's it. Now, are you ready back there? Are you still sure that you want this?" Lexa checked once more, taking one hand to toy at Clarke's clit and another to sop up some of Clarke's abundant slick.

"Yes." Clarke's voice foibled at the pleasure washing over her, Lexa's cock and all ten digits working at her craven cunt.

"Aww, my alpha likes this doesn't she?" Lexa precariously maintained her balance still leaning over Clarke without her hands to help her stay up, but as long as Clarke was making those soft heaving delighted moans she was sure her core could keep up with any feat she demanded of it.

"YES!" Clarke screamed desperately, her brain almost angry at Lexa for asking her to think of anything other than how her heat was finally feeling satiated again.

"That's it." Lexa praised softly, taking her hand which had been collecting some of Clarke's slick and grabbing Clarke's cock. It took a fair bit of finagling to get the phallus separated from the boxers, but by the time Lexa had succeeded in emancipating the cock from its confines, it was nice and coated in Clarke's slick. "Ok. I am gonna get you started ok baby?" Lexa left a small kiss at Clarke's spine before removing her other hand from Clarke's clit and moving around to begin soothing at Clarke's other entrance. The alpha cried out again, moaning louder and louder as her mate's fingers massaged her tight ring. This side was incredibly unaccustomed to such stimulation as of late, but given how easily Clarke relaxed for her and the fact that she had requested the act, after all, Lexa made the leap and assumed that Clarke had at one time in her past experimented with it herself or with another alpha.

"Oh god! Lexa that growl!" Clarke cried out pressing back for more. It interrupted Lexa's thoughts and made her realize that she, in fact, had been growling green and jealous just at the thought of her mate with another.

"I! Oh, sorry."

"No, no, fuck it was so nice." Clarke allowed her elbows to give in and found a pillow to press her face into as Lexa fucked faster. "It all feels really good baby." Clarke reassured. Some part of her deeply enjoyed offering herself up more, even though the haze and dysphoria of her heat it was nice to make sure Lexa's alpha was all growly and fighting to fuck harder. A nice tumult of her omega instincts wanting to attract her alpha and her alpha yearnings pleased at helping her mate feel good.

"Good." Lexa agreed, practically drooling as Clarke rocked her hips back up, a lewd show that she wanted to watch on repeat for the rest of her life.

"More." Clarke reminded, able to discern that Lexa's movements at her ass had slowed and stopped at her seductive actions.

"Yes!" Lexa obediently obliged, bucking in hard and slipping one finger inside of her mate.

"Just like that!" Clarke purred.

Lexa just huffed her growl of approval, raising the rainbow cock to Clarke's backside. "Are you ready for more hun?"

"Yes." Clarke hummed and allowed her eyes to close as she took a preparatory calming breath. She may have at one point been more than able to take a knotted toy back there with ease but she hadn't explored that avenue with Lexa at all yet. Not to mention the lack of exploring all avenues for months until their excursion to the frozen cabin where their hearts had melted back together after the cold loss they had suffered. Clarke shuttered, her slick aiding significantly as Lexa pressed the tip further in. She could tell that her mate was timid about it, scared of hurting her, of going too far or too fast. "More Lexa. It feels really good."

Lexa's hand slipped in the surprise of her mate requesting more already, coincidently Clarke got just what she wanted. Both of the alpha's necks went entirely limp, their bodies reacting to the added stretch and pressure of Clarke's body accustomed to the extra phallus. "Oh fuck that."

"That is so fucking good." Clarke finished for Lexa.

"Yeah." Lexa agreed breathlessly, bucking in faster and working Clarke's cock deeper into her.

"Fuuck." Clarke groaned feeling Lexa's base starting to swell as the knotted base of the toy pressed against her.

"Feels so good." Lexa's thinking was nearing entirely all-alpha; need to mate, breed fuck!

"Lexa, I'm gonna."

"Me too." Lexa huffed, grabbing at Clarke's hips and forcing them higher up, burying herself deeper.

"That's it, knot me. Please! Both of them!"

"Happily!" The alpha snarled lower, forcing the toy knot in, earning a half pained scream half ecstasy filled moan from her mate and then bucking herself in one more time before allowing herself to unload and grind herself into Clarke as she came and enjoyed Clarke's clamped walls fluttering tightly around her, cooking out each and every drop. "Gonna fill you all the way up baby. That's my alpha taking both knots so well."

Clarke simply moaned releasing hard, clamping around both of the beautiful objects rammed deep into her and sending her further under the surface of her heat's suffocating ocean of pleasure.

They both collapsed into the bed not long after their climaxes, panting against each other. "You are beautiful when you make me cum like that."

"Am I now?" Clarke snickered.

"I am quite the fan." Lexa purred and nuzzled against Clarke's cheek.

"Gotta admit, I like making you cum."

"Don't all alphas love making their mate cum?" Lexa left a sweet peck at Clarke's cheek.

"Little bit." Clarke giggled and turned her head a little more to steal another kiss.

"We are gonna be late." Lexa tested what seemed to be an extra tight seal keeping them together.

"Are we?"

"Ohh yes." Lexa sighed. "Nyko is gonna kill me. I begged her for the early appointment so that we could get you in as soon as possible."

"You begged her?"

Lexa huffed and looked away embarrassed.

"You really begged her?!"

"Maybe… just a little." Lexa wouldn't look at Clarke even with the alpha still curled up in her arms.

"I really appreciate it."

Lexa grunted passively.

"Really Lexa. It means a lot that you believed in me. That you fought for me. That you are taking care of me in a way that doesn't invalidate who I am." Clarke pulled Lexa's arms around her so that she could hold Lexa's hands.

"I… well you would do the same for me. That is what an alpha does for her partner or her mate."

"No baby. Not all. Not all alphas do that." Clarke purred into her mate's hands, curling up and kissing at them. "You are special."

"You know you are too. It takes an immeasurably strong alpha to endure all of this love. You have gone through so much. Fought so much. Just to be back in my arms, right here."

"You were the one who pulled me back, helped me, gave me a safe place to get through it all and held my hair back while I puked Lexa." Clarke couldn't see the strides she had made, her successes, the small victories she strived for each day, how she had survived.

"I was just there. You did all that work on your own my love. All of it. And I am immeasurably proud of you. Blown away by the strength of my alpha."

"I love you." Clarke wasn't ready to accept everything Lexa had said, and for all she knew she maybe never would. But it was still nice to hear. A true treat to see how much her mate adored her, what the alpha thought of her. And it made Clarke's heart sing and find a steady beat in Lexa's arms, happy, safe, steady.

"I love you too. Alpha."

End of Chapter 53

By the way! Wanna talk with more the 100/ clexa fans? Hang and chat in a safe space with other LGBTQ+ folk? I recently made a discord server, you are welcome to join! It's free, and just a place I hope people can chat and feel safe! Link for the server on my tumblr: hopefulbadgerjunara

Chapter Text

Chapter 54

"Yeah, I heard you." An overly agitated office worker threw detestable eyes at Lexa.

"So?"

"So." She shot back with a follow up impatient glare.

"Soo!" Lexa attempted to coax an answer out of the office worker.

"So, you do know that when you have an appointment at ten in the morning, it is customary to show up… sometime before noon. Right?"

"It is ten till!" Lexa reflexively defended after a quick check of her watch.

"Yes, in that case, that changes everything! Now that you are only over an hour and a half late, we have an abundance of openings for you! In Fact! Every doc in the office is free and happy to do a seven on one checkup!"

Lexa was needless to say, less than amused, but she fought through. If she wanted to ensure Clarke this important meeting it seemed a modicum more sucking up might be required. "I am really really sorry. My mate's rut came on spontaneously and we really need to get in to see the doctor Nyko today. Is she free at all today?" Lexa had finished, but it was clear from the office worker's face that more might be needed. "Please really. This is really important. I am so sorry!"

"You two are damn lucky that Nyko kept a free morning scheduled for you two."

"Are you fucking kidding me!" Lexa exploded in anger. "You mean to tell me!" She saw the cocked eyebrow of a woman threatening to change her mind. "That you were so damn nice as to ensure that my mate and I will still have an opportunity to see doctor Nyko today!" Lexa plastered on a false smile with the hope that it would be just about enough to buy her back into the woman's good graces long enough to get Clarke what she needed.

"Yes, I know, aren't I just absolutely wonderful?"

"So fucking special! Just a goddamn angel!" Lexa forced.

"So? Were they able to fit us in baby?" Clarke caught back up with Lexa after parking.

"Just in the nick of time."

"Yup, she worked some magic and got us another appointment for today."

"Yes, I did. And Nyko says she is ready for you two in exam room three." The secretary instructed.

"Thank you so much!" Clarke cheered, unaware of the frustrations Lexa had had earlier.

"No problem sweethearts. Good luck!" Her sudden sweetness sickened Lexa pushing her to want to snarl at the beta who had been playing with her, but decided against it before she made more enemies at such an ally's office.

The duo made their way into the back, wandering around before stumbling upon the third exam room. They clung to each other, their bodies wanting as much contact as possible now that they had finally mated again after so long. "Thank you so much Lexa." Clarke whispered appreciative with a follow uptight squeeze before she reached out and opened the door for them both.

"Ah! There you two are!" Nyko cheered, spinning around in her stool, the paperwork she had been so diligently focused on entirely meaningless to her the moment that the alpha pairing passed the examination room door's threshold.

"Hey!" Clarke gave a soft and timid wave hello.

"Yeah." Lexa grimaced. "Hi!"

"What held y'all up?" Nyko stood and outstretched a welcoming handshake for Clarke and then again for Lexa.

Clarke's response was simply a series of anxiously embarrassed groans as she averted her eyes from the welcoming doctor.

"I, umm!" Lexa stalled as she shook Nyko's hand.

"What's! Oh!" Nyko finally caught the scent of Clarke's overly intense heat. "Oh god!" She stammered for a moment before grabbing at her stethoscope. "Umm, are they often that intense Clarke?"

"No, no. Never. They are almost never this strong or quick to set in."

"It set in quickly?" Nyko searched for confirmation.

"That is certainly one way to put it." Lexa stopped herself before she reactively laughed.

"Yes. It came on rather quickly." Clarke nodded with a flush beyond that which her heat normally would give her.

"And I presume this is the first one since the…" Nyko trailed off, but neither Lexa nor Clarke could completely tell if she was avoiding it just because she didn't know exactly how to bridge the topic or if it was an attempt to be sensitive for Clarke's sake.

"Yes. It is my first heat since the abort-" Clarke tried but that wasn't the right word. "Since the mis…" Nope not it either. "Since I lost the baby." Clarke landed on with an uncomfortable shifting in her stationary stance before grabbing at Lexa's hands. It was something small, but it was important to Clarke to ensure Lexa knew that she wasn't mad and that she had just been doing her best to describe the situation.

"It's gonna be ok baby." Lexa offered up some simple words with the hope they could help to put Clarke at ease despite the horribly loaded and pain-filled topic.

"I know. I know." Clarke whispered back, squeezing at Lexa's fingers.

"Well, it is normal for the first heat after such a traumatic experience to both be delayed and to come on faster, but I would very much like to examine you if that is acceptable?" Nyko pulled at her stethoscope and stepped closer to Clarke. "Just to see that everything was alright?"

"Of course. Of course!" Clarke stepped forward as well, then she quickly surveyed the room for what she should or where she should sit.

"Just on the examination table right there." Nyko suggested softly wit a point to an all too common doctors office fixture.

"Oh, yes, of course!" Clarke nodded and hopped up.

"Start with some deep breaths for me, ok?"

"Ok." Clarke agreed and followed instructions as Nyko pressed her stethoscope up against Clarke's chest the cold metal piercing right through Clarke's thin sheer shirt.

Lexa reached out, holding Clarke's hand for support. "Is something wrong? Should we be worried?"

"Nothing overly concerning at all."

"Not overly concerning doesn't mean not concerning!" Lexa snapped, a strike of fear for her alpha hitting her especially hard.

"I'm sure it is fine sweetie." Clarke stroked fingers over the back of Lexa's hand.

"Another deep breath." It only worried both of them further that Nyko almost entirely ignored Lexa's question. "Your lungs are just fine, so that is good. But your heart rate is beyond elevated."

"I… Yeah, that feels about right." Clarke agreed, consulting her own heavy pulse in both her ears and her core.

"Are you on suppressants at all?"

"Oh well." Clarke glanced to Lexa. "I stopped taking them after you told me the risks overconsumption of them caused for the pregnancy." Her heart sank.

"Yes, yes. And you haven't taken them since? Not at all?" Nyko stepped away, holstering her stethoscope back over her neck.

"No, not at all." Clarke agreed.

"But this is your first cycle since the loss of the child?"

"Yes." Clarke's voice shown thin with growing fear.

"Like I told you last week on the phone, Clarke had some troubles with drinking after the loss. It was really rough on the both of us, and having the damage to her body, it was extra hard on Clarke." Lexa attempted to explain.

"I can't help but notice that you aren't in a rut currently Lexa?" Nyko noted as she fished around in her cabinets.

"Oh yeah, no I'm not. I had my last rut about three, almost four weeks ago."

"So you would be due for one soon?"

"Yeah, I guess so. If my cycle returns to the same as it was before Clarke got pregnant, then it would probably start on Monday or Sunday."

"Yes, yes." Nyko agreed emptily.

"Does that matter?"

"How many ruts have you had since?"

"Oh, me? I've just had the one."

"And you two weren't around each other to share it?"

"I, well no. I was trying to give her space to process and it was barely even a month after."

"Of course, of course." Nyko agreed passively before grabbing down a circular pill holster labeled with days of a week for a full month.

"Is there an issue?" Clarke spoke up fearful.

"I want you to start you off with taking a suppressant."

"Uugh." Clarke stalled for a moment.

"I am concerned about your heart rate. It is too high, and you are sweating just sitting there. Heats can be bad, but they shouldn't be that bad. Not to mention I presume your heat was just sated, what half an hour ago?"

"Counting the time that we've been here?" Lexa winced. "Maybe twenty minutes."

"Your office is real close to home Doc." Clarke blushed.

"And the two of you knotted?" Nyko popped out one of the suppression pills and placed it into Clarke's hand before grabbing the alpha a glass of water.

Clarke and Lexa stammered embarrassed.

"I apologize for being so blunt, but this is medically relevant." Nyko passed off the small glass of water.

"Yes. We did."

"Well, we didn't just. We also did the other thing." Clarke whispered lowly.

"Other thing?" Nyko's voice was hesitant of learning something she couldn't unlearn.

"I! Uugh, is that medically relevant?" Lexa jumped.

"Well, if the reason why I asked for it and that we did it is an extra-strong heat?"

"I just assumed you asked for that because you wanted it." Lexa whispered almost inaudible.

"I did, but I wanted it terribly, even as you were inside me it was barely enough and I was craving for more… everywhere." Clarke blushed, feeling the topic riding her up more in a way she was far from comfortable with in front of Nyko.

"Uugh, is this something that I need to know?"

"Well, she didn't just knot me." Clarke blushed.

"I am very sorry. Is there some overly interesting BDSM excursion I am unaware of that would explain your high heart rate? Because if so then taking the suppressant isn't necessary."

"No! No! It isn't that!" Clarke assured.

"I kinda double-knotted her." Lexa yelped out.

"Huh?"

"Well, Lexa was extremely sweet and earlier this week she got me some play packers and holsters and strap harnesses. Uugh, in the heat of the moment I kinda requested for her to use it to umm, occupy the back door." Clarke stumbled through her explanation awkwardly.

"Aww, that is incredibly kind. And in that case, I think that taking the suppressant would be a good idea. If it can help slow your heart rate then everything is fine and we will be able to proceed." Nyko explained.

"Ok." Clarke downed the pill and eased her tight throat with a swig of water.

"Is there anything in specific that we should be worried about Nyko?" Lexa pressed impatient, feeling like they were being strung along just a little too far behind whatever the doctor was planning.

"I don't think so. If anything I think this will be in a way good news. But for now, we just have to wait on the suppressants to do their work."

"Ok." Clarke nodded with far more patience than Lexa. She sat back, leaning against the wall behind the examination table and then offered the space next to her to Lexa.

The alpha glanced between her mate and the doctor, worried there was something about being close to Clarke that could in any way exacerbate the issue or be against the doctor's rules.

"No, no, sit with her, I am rather concerned with such a high heart rate, but having her mate close should help calm her." Nyko urged.

"Good, good, good." Lexa muttered anxiously under her breath, scrambling up to sit with Clarke and hold her tight.

Clarke whimpered softly, her inaccurate inner dynamic turning over in the joy of having her alpha's arms wrapping around her and holding her close.

"That's it baby, breathe. It is gonna be ok." Lexa couldn't focus on whether the words were right or quite as affirming as she would normally hold herself to the standard of, all she could focus on was how to care for her mate, to calm that racing heart her alpha held.

"I…" Clarke muttered weakly.

"Here, would you mind putting this on your index finger?" Nyko requested, offering a heart monitor to Clarke.

"Yes. Yes, of course. Thank you." Clarke took a quiet moment to slip it on and think to herself, her heart still racing a pace which was almost painful now that she realized how fast it was. "I! Nyko. I am sure all of this is very important and I am really glad that we are hopefully getting my heat and heart under control, but that isn't really why we had this appointment scheduled is it?"

"No, no it isn't." Nyko sat herself back down on her stool, settling in.

"So… Should I be worried?! I feel like I should be worried! I feel like I should be really really worried!" Clarke stressed.

"No! No of course not!"

"But! Nyko! How should I not be worried! I don't really expect you to prescribe mind… DYNAMIC! Altering medications to someone less than a whole week sober, and especially not if she potentially has a heart issue! And even worse if it is connected to my heat!"

"Shh." Lexa tried to calm, caressing her hand down Clarke's side, but it did nothing as Clarke began to hyperventilate.

"I mean really! This isn't sounding good! Not at all! Like what even are my chances anymore?! Do I have any chance at actually being prescribed hormone therapy for my dynamic dysphoria anymore or is that already out the window?!" Clarke raced through her thoughts, her mouth barely able to keep up as she slurred half her words.

"Clarke, please breathe. It will be ok. Just breathe. It is really important. If we can get your heart rate back down with the suppressant, then yes there is a good chance that we can still figure something out. But we do need to start working on some of this paperwork I have set up for you."

"Oh… ok." Clarke stammered embarrassed as she shut her mouth and failed to calm herself despite all of her best efforts.

"Breathe love. I'm right here. This appointment doesn't have to be the one where you get your prescriptions, it can be the first step and everything will still be ok. I promise."

"She is right." Nyko agreed in a calming tone, doing just enough to help Clarke begin to find some sort of regularity in her breath.

"So there is no chance I am getting them today." It hurt to say and it was a defeatist attitude, but accepting a defeatist failure was worth some form of comfort to Clarke. Giving up meant there was no use in overly concerning herself for now and that today, in fact, could be just about building up the stepping stones to achieve what she needed, to start working towards her goal even if it didn't come today.

"Not necessarily, but, before I can do anything I need to see your heart rate and blood pressure go down." Nyko offered. "The medications associated with hormonal dynamic dysphoria therapy can increase your blood pressure and heart rate on their own, and I can't go prescribing something that will go getting you killed before it helps."

"I... I get it." Clarke swallowed down her lingering hopes and found some dark corner of her mind to relegate them too for now.

"It will all be ok." Lexa tried again.

"I… I know." Clarke nodded and allowed herself to cuddle up to Lexa.

"If it turns out this issue is just a side effect of the delayed heat, then that won't be an issue." Nyko grabbed her papers and a clipboard, pulling them in and writing them in her lap. "And in the meantime, I think it is best to proceed as if that is the case. Plan for the future we want to see and all."

"O… ok." Clarke attempted.

"First." Nyko announced, passing out a trio of pamphlets to Clarke. "There are generally three ways that people attempt to attain their hormone therapy. I only professionally approve of two. However, I am not so nearsighted as to say just because I only believe that there are two safe ways to go about it that everyone would heed my advice and warnings or even hear them to begin with. So yes. There are three common ways, whether I like the third or not."

"I think you mentioned this on the phone?" Lexa piped up, looking over the papers in Clarke's hands.

"Yes. My clinic supports two, and predominantly focuses on the one I was planning to suggest today."

"Informed consent right?"

"Yes." Nyko nodded back.

"So… uugh what's that?"

"It is me informing you of the risks, what is associated with taking alpha hormones and then you consent, if you want, by agreeing and signing this form." Nyko flipped papers up and revealed the form at the back of her clipboard's small novel of papers.

"And the other two would be?" Clarke lead.

"Attending a therapist or psychologist, anything of the sort really. It takes about six months-"

"SIX MONTHS!" Clarke could feel her heart rate and blood pressure spiking in stress and fear as she screamed loud enough to alarm the whole office.

"Yes. THAT method often does require attending regularly scheduled therapy sessions over the course of six months. Then if the therapist you are seeing decides that you are 'trans enough' and in a stable place to be prescribed these medications, they write a letter of recommendation for the patient to be prescribed hormones." Nyko herself rolled her eyes at the term trans enough.

"Trans enough! That is such fucking gatekeeping bullshit!" In all of her anger even Clarke forgot the main reason why she had originally decided to continue seeing Dr. Nyko; the one thing they had in common.

"I agree, which is why we don't focus on it here whatsoever. But if someone were to come here for hormones with a letter, I certainly wouldn't turn them away." Nyko agreed sternly.

"Oh…"

"I understand. I am trans too. And it isn't right that the system gatekeeps like that, but it is important for me to respect the system and not blatantly violate it, because if I were to so simply ignore it, I would lose my license in an instance."

Clarke cooked on her parched sandpaper throat. "Yes. Yes, that makes sense."

"Good. I am glad." Nyko eased from her defensive stance.

"She isn't the enemy baby." Lexa whispered to her mate. "She opened up a slot for me and waited for us to ensure that we could have this appointment despite being late."

Clarke grumbled stressed and feeling her hormones and dynamic fight with the suppressants attempting to make her even more petulant for simply being away from her safe bed with her alpha.

"Clarke." Lexa sighed and tapped on her alpha's arm in an attempt to ascertain any of her attention again.

"Yes. Yes, she is on my side, I get it." Clarke groaned.

"Please baby." Lexa moved in closer, whispering into her mate's ear. "Please, really she is doing us a favor."

"I… I know. I'm sorry."

"I understand Clarke." Nyko sighed. "I know it can feel like everyone and everything is against you, especially when you are told you will have to wait half a year for something waiting five minutes for feels like a lifetime in the wrong body, the wrong urges, the wrong dynamic." She fiddled anxiously with her pen. "Just, I get it ok. I know how bad it can be, and I promise that I am doing what I can."

Clarke sat herself up slightly, however still at least partially leaning up against Lexa. "Yeah, I get it. I… I'm sorry. Uugh, but this six-month wait to get a letter, it is just one of three main ways to transition right? And then there was informed consent what is the other one you didn't approve of?"

"Well, do you remember Tahani? The woman in the wheelchair? From the support group?"

"I, yeah, I think so? I didn't know that was her name but yes I remember her." Clarke replied tentatively.

"She, and to somewhat of an extent, you as well, were effectively practicing the third method all on your own. Over consuming suppressants in order to somewhat and or completely subdue heats. Functionally it acts as one half of what I would prescribe as to do the same thing through informed consent. But simply overconsuming suppressants is not only dangerous, but it also leads to stronger heats when they finally come, and uterine issues like you have tragically already experienced."

Clarke shifted, the topic still clearly painful and dredging up more guilt than she could handle.

Lexa, the ever dodging alpha wrapped her arms tighter around her mate, pulling her in and leaving soft kisses all over her neck and cheek.

"And the other half?" Clarke followed up.

"The other half would also attempt to mimic the other drug I would prescribe. But, sadly this too would be attained through less than entirely safe means. Often through simply buying alpha hormones online from less than reputable sources, where what you get is dubious at best, damn right toxic or poison at worse"

Clarke clammed up and Lexa's stance sitting with her mate on the examination table grew almost overly protective. The biological alpha growled softly. It came out without any intention, just slipping so easily from her throat as she imagined her mate accidentally having been scammed and sold poison instead of an incredibly important medication.

"But that is why I offer informed consent here. You know, take this form, it is dangerous to go alone and all."

Clarke snickered but Lexa didn't get the joke.

"Huh?" Lexa's face easily depicted just how confused she was with her mate's laughter.

"It's ok, I will explain later." Clarke kissed at Lexa's forearm, finally taking an actual unbaited breath, the suppressants actually doing their job immensely effectively without her realizing it.

"So then informed consent? That seems to be the best way?"

"Well, I'm not waiting six months." Clarke assured with far too much confidence for someone so callously suggesting they would soon consider taking something their doctor has just described as potentially toxic or poisonous.

"You sure as hell aren't just buying hormones online!"

"I'll do what I have to do." Clarke huffed lowly.

"Clarke!"

Nyko gave a loud cough, realerting then both that she was still in the room and listening in, patiently awaiting an opportunity to interject important information.

"Sorry!"

"Yeah sorry." Clarke apologized, much less sincere and with more of an attitude, but she did in fact apologize.

"Hopefully, that won't be an issue." Nyko's eyes darted between the alphas. "Yes, waiting six months can feel horrible, but the reason why I ensured that you two could get this appointment when Lexa called me was because I was afraid the thought of waiting would push you back to unmonitored self-regulation."

"Thank you. Thank you both." Clarke calmed, a sincerity growing in her voice as her guard lowered at a snail's speed.

Nyko smiled back politely before returning to her clipboard. "So, Clarke, I received your two most recent blood work results which you faxed over a couple of days ago."

"Yeah, on Wednesday Lexa told me that you needed new bloodwork so we went to get some done with a rush speed and had my most recent ones sent over too. It seemed like a good idea at the time."

"It is idyllic in fact, especially considering I still have your results from and before the hospitalization, so we actually have a good basis to work off of."

"T! That is good right!" Clarke cheered with much more excitement than she had previously anticipated herself to garner so hastily.

"Very good. Very, very good." Nyko mumbled under her breath, rereviewing Clarke's charts and recorded readings.

Lexa squeezed Clarke supportive.

"So… what exactly does very very good constitute?" The anxious alpha fished.

"It constitutes an idea for what I can prescribe you without any issues. Your blood looks perfectly fine outside of what would be expected for the most part. Your hormones were, of course, haywire when you were pregnant. Your bp and iron levels were down while you were in the hospital, but that also makes sense given the internal bleeding. And the only issues I see with your bloodwork from Wednesday are your temp, bp, and heart rate. But those can both be explained with it still being the tail end of withdrawal, and potentially an early onset preheat."

"I… yeah that makes sense." Clarke wearily agreed.

"And about the drinking." The words hit like a hammer, one Clarke knew was to fall at any moment, but simply knowing the strike was coming did absolutely nothing to guard or cushion the blow.

"Yes?" A hint of contest rose back up in Clarke's tone.

Nyko removed her glasses, rubbing the bridge of her nose and then her right temple. "These drugs… Many alphas can lose control in their first ruts. But when they are just kids, it isn't much of a threat. But taking these medications as an adult can be affected with alcohol, have negative reactions if you overindulge. I am not saying that you are in no way allowed to drink while on these, but substance abuse can not only interact with these medications and amplify an alpha's aggression, these meds can also feed into an addiction issue. For whatever reason, alphas can at times have further impaired judgment when inebriated, and this is obviously an issue, one which is exacerbated by any history of substance abuse issues."

Clarke gulped.

"Now, given how informed consent works, it is still ultimately your choice as to whether you would like to pursue taking these medications. All I need to confirm and the only main thing which can stop me from prescribing these medications is if it would pose an imminent risk to your health. For instance, if your heart rate and or blood pressure are too high, and prescribing them would lead to a dangerous situation." Nyko stood as she continued her offhand rambling about the intricacies of the morality and legality to prescribing such important medications.

"Well, of course, I want to take them if I have the choice."

Lexa tensed and held Clarke closer, scared of what could possibly come from this if Clarke ever relapsed; even more, she was terrified when it further dawned on her that she had absolutely no experience in the way of alphaisms in this context and how being an alpha related to drinking. "Is- is that-" She was quickly overwritten.

"I don't care, I will be fine, I've quit twice and I am not going back." Clarke's words were far from the ringing self endorsement that she thought they were.

"Hmm, well, it is certainly something that I would like to keep monitored if things go well and we do have the opportunity to prescribe alpha hormones. If we can do this, I think it would be important to have a standing weekly appointment as a check-in. I don't care if it is here at my office or with a therapist of any sort, I just think this is important to ensure nothing gets out of hand." Nyko suggested as she pulled out a blood pressure cuff and her stethoscope.

"I like that idea as well." Lexa agreed, worried if she didn't speak in affirmatives she might be lost in Clarke's anxious excitement.

"Of course, that would be more than understandable.

"Your arm Clarke?" Nyko requested.

"Oh of course." Clarke surveyed herself, noting that she had calmed significantly.

"Ok, deep breaths just like last time. We have let a good amount of time passes, and now I think we are ready to try this again."

"Thanks." Clarke began with her deep self-soothing breaths.

"Of course Clarke. We will work something out. Everything will be ok."

"Yeah, it will all be ok baby." Lexa kissed Clarke's cheek supportively.

"Thanks." Clarke repeated, the cuff squeezing her arm almost painfully tight.

The following several seconds trudged onward, everything taking a small millennium to occur as Clarke held her breath. She felt an abnormal weight to the test as if it were of much more imperative importance than Nyko had openly admitted to. Unsure where the weighted feeling originated from, Clarke fought to calm herself back down by looking over the fliers once more. Informed consent and its advantages, the risks of online hormones, and a much less attention-drawing flyer suggesting how to bring up the idea of being trans dynamic to a therapist.

"Ok." Nyko pulled away, deflating the cuff and slipping it off of Clarke. "Good news"

"Good news?"

"Good news?" Clarke's voice followed but a moment after her mate's.

"Good news girls." Nyko removed all but the final page of papers from her clipboard and handed it off to Clarke along with her pen. "Good news."

End of Chapter 54

Author's note: The medical transition in this story is not a one to one comparison to real life. I have drawn from my own personal experiences, the experiences my friends have endured, and drawn inspiration from FTM medical transition, but again it is not the exact same. If you are struggling with gender dysphoria, Informed consent is a real thing, and so is attending a therapist in order to get a referral letter. I personally started my MTF hormone transition over three years ago through informed consent at the Mazzoni Center in Philly. Again this story is not the exact same as our real-life system, but it is similar and based upon it. There are a multitude of resources available online and in many areas, there may be a local LGBTQ+ welcome center or something of the sort that you can use to get information.

By the way! Wanna talk with more the 100/ clexa fans? Hang and chat in a safe space with other LGBTQ+ folk? I recently made a discord server, you are welcome to join! It's free, and just a place I hope people can chat and feel safe! Link for the server on my tumblr: hopefulbadgerjunara

Chapter Text

Chapter 55

"G? Good news?" Clarke stammered too confused to take the clipboard as Lexa took it for her and layed it down on her lap gently.

"Your vitals are back down to normal. Which means that it was heat-related."

"R-" Lexa went to correct before Nyko corrected herself.

"Cycle related. Rut, if you prefer. I apologize. Regardless, your vitals were affected by your delayed cycle."

"Oh… ok, but how exactly is that good news?" Clarke's gaze dropped to the form entitled informed consent waiver. "I, isn't this a little cruel, handing this paper to me if you aren't actually gonna prescribe anything for me today?"

Nyko chuckled as she sat back down. "Yes, Yes that would be incredibly cruel."

"Then why the hell wave it in my face like that?" Clarke griped, flagrantly waving the clipboard back before attempting to hand it back off to the other alpha.

"No, no." Nyko assured.

"I think she meant to-"

"No! That is just mean!" Clarke snapped in pain.

"Clarke! This is the good news. If you will let me go over it, we can get you started on informed consent."

"What?"

"I think she needed for you to get your heart rate and stuff down to prove it was just your heat causing the issue."

"What does it matter?!" Clarke was still overly flippant in and effort of protecting herself.

"Now, it would not only be a way to help your dynamic dysphoria, but it would also be medically advised to prescribe something to mediate or nullify your heats. If they are causing a measurably detrimental strain on your heart and therefore your health as well, It is much easier and justifiable to prescribe hormones despite your history of substance abuse. If it weren't for this then we might have had to wait another month or so to monitor your progress. However, if you are ready, it would be completely appropriate for us to begin reviewing the risks and effects of hormone therapy in further detail in order to get you started this evening." Nyko found her second copy of the form, looking at it as if she didn't already know it by heart. "The only other thing that could even potentially give me pause to prescribe or get in the way or cause medical issues would be how the hormones would interact with your reproductive system. Often there is a whole lot of hubbub and drama that an average medical professional might throw this or that a way. Talk about an omega's duty and how 'Oh all omegas want children, you'll regret it if you start these hormones now' and other things along the line of such nonsense." Even as Nyko blabbered on Lexa and Clarke's faces grew burgundy in anger at the alpha centric patriarchal rhetoric, even if it was simply in mimicking and mockery of such ideals.

Lexa huffed in disgust.

"That is such bullshit!" Clarke snapped.

"Yes, yes it is."

"And It's not like I can ever get… again." It hurt Clarke to admit it, almost broke her and all her servant determination.

"I know. I know, and I'm sorry about that. But, like I was saying, this is in some way, a blessing in disguise. This is only one more reason why it is entirely appropriate and medically condonable to prescribe as soon as you decide you are ready. Oh! And sign of course!"

"Wait, so you mean?!"

"Yes, now can we go over the form already? I do have another appointment at one." Nyko laughed off with a playfully pressing glare.

Clarke jumped out of her spot next to Lexa, almost assaulting Nyko as she attacked her with an appreciative hug. "Yes! Yes! Oh my god! Thank you! Yes!"

"Breathing! Breathing is important!" Nyko squealed from the tight hug.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" Clarke formed some sort of a repetitive chant in her glee as she hugged Nyko tighter.

"I can't! Prescribe! If! I'm! Dead!" Nyko choked out word by word as she strived for oxygen in Clarke's anaconda grip.

"Oh! Right! Sorry!" Clarke lept back, still panting in excitement as she sat back down with Lexa.

"Good! I am glad I am not dead!" Nyko smiled softly.

"So! So! So?" Clarke, the ever-eager puppy raised her clipboard eager to proceed.

"So, before we start, may I ask what you already know about the side effects of hormonal therapy? Or the main effects for that matter?"

"No more horrible heats!" Clarke stretched in victory before playfully collapsing into her mate.

"Yes that is the most noticeable and predominant effect, but that is far from the only effect."

"Yes! Yes!" Clarke agreed, righting herself. "First off, if I am only on the suppressants, my sex life should wither and die. Right?"

Nyko gave an approving nod. "Well, wither and die is a bit of a hyperbole but, yeah. I see what you mean and you aren't too far off. It can lead to… what in this case might be described as lesbian bed death."

"But if I am on the alpha hormones, I should have a cycle?" Clarke questioned herself. "Something more akin to rutting?"

"Yes, but it wouldn't be just that. There would also be significant clitoral swelling, often to an inch or two, even without any surgeries. Especially when in a rut. Like any other alpha, you will be a little more belligerent and bruiserish during a rut. Might find yourself unintentionally being rather overly protective and or possessive with your mate. It is something all other alphas have had their whole life to grow accustomed to and to learn to control. But it can be hard to handle the first time, even more so when you are already mated."

"Aww, I could do with my alpha being all overprotective in a cute little huff." Lexa teased.

"It can be more than a cute little huff at times. But it is good that you will be there to support her with it."

Clarke hummed and nodded along, all the while holding her mate. "So… what else is there that I should be wise of?"

"Well, your menstrual cycle can be affected, it can eliminate periods but on the other hand, it also has the potential to worsen periods. It all depends on the person and how they react. But for the most part, it just lightens periods to that of an average female alpha."

"Well, I could go without them getting worse, but it is a fair trade and then some if it means no heats."

"Good, also, your skin will thicken, become a little tougher, just like an average alpha's. You will build and put on muscle mass much faster, of course. Might on occasion, especially before rut attempt to show off for your mate. Go on spending sprees, grabbing more food than you two could eat in a month and having it all set out when your mate gets home, just to realize that you had just ensured it will all expire that much sooner."

Clarke and Lexa eyed quietly.

"Of course, that is just a possibility! I am certainly not talking from personal experience or anything, that would be unprofessional as your doctor."

"Course it would." Clarke giggled happily.

"Furthermore, there are some risk factors associated with the hormone replacements that can compound with things like smoking, taking these and smoking regularly can be quite an issue for your heart. So, we also advise you to stay away from tobacco products and nicotine."

"Done! Done! And done doc!"

Lexa smiled and rubbed at Clarke's back, cheering her on silently.

"And again, there are issues and side effects related to procreation."

Clarke nodded back to Nyko hesitantly.

"As of now, yes, your uterus is not a hospitable environment to grow a pup." Nyko paused, she could hear Lexa's growls. The other alpha was angered at the idea of someone saying something so traditionally considered rude to her mate even if it was medically accurate.

"Watch your tongue!" Lexa mouthed silently.

"Yes?" Clarke urged Nyko along in the hope that they could move off of such a painful topic soon.

"However." Nyko moved on with a warning glare. "Currently, your ovaries are still intact. Given this, As of today, it would be entirely plausible to harvest your eggs and proceed through a surrogate, if the two of you wished. But that process would require extra omega hormones to ensure ideal ovulation to harvest healthy eggs, time, and it, of course, wouldn't be free. The alpha hormones aren't very expensive and are covered in their entirety through most insurances. However, saving eggs wouldn't be covered."

"It's fine! I don't care." Clarke brushed off too quickly. "I don't have the money, or any insurance for that matter."

"Well, if that is the issue, I could help yo-"

"No! It's fine! I don't care."

"Are you sure Clarke? This is my last source of trepidation for you. These hormones will certainly almost entirely shut down your ovaries, and more than likely kill what eggs you might have; this is in all likelihood your last chance to have a biological child ever again." Nyko knew the fear, the belligerent dodging; once upon a time she had done it herself.

"Baby, really, if this is something you want, I am happy to help ou-" Lexa offered with all the understanding passionate empathy she had ever had.

"No. I personally can't stand the idea of more omega hormones. To have to go through more heats? Worse heats? It sounds like hell. And adoption is always an option. I… just I am not in a place where this is a potion for me whether you want it or not. I'm sorry Lexa." Clarke turned away from her alpha ashamed that she was too weak to do something she was biologically born to do, and for taking away Lexa's last chance to have a child of her own in the process. "We can still do surrogacy with your sperm another day, with another woman or omega's eggs. But I am simply not in a place where I can go through that, I'm sorry love."

"No, no, It is all ok. Clarke, I love you. I just wanted to give you the option." Lexa rushed to assure, her arms wrapped tight around Clarke. "I just didn't want money to be the thing holding you back if that was what you wanted."

"It's fine. Money is an issue, but it isn't the only reason why I can't do that. It isn't even the main reason." Clarke assured with a calming hand resting over Lexa's.

"Ok. Ok then love." Lexa whispered, holding Clarke's hand back.

"So, I am to understand that you comprehend and accept the risks that accompany beginning the alpha hormones? That the potential complete loss of any chance of ever having a biological child of your own?" Nyko checked to confirm.

"Yes. Yes, I understand."

"Good to hear."

"So… uugh, What do I do?"

"Well, I gave you a pen with the paper didn't I?"

"Huh!"

"I think she is telling you to sign if you are ready sweetie."

"Yeah, but. But!"

"Are you ok Clarke?" Nyko leaned back in, growing concerned.

"But! You can't be serious! I! This can't be! I mean?" Clarke stammered, her fingers tracing over the words of her form, so attentive to its touch like it held some braille secret, the explanation of how this was a cruel joke. How it couldn't really just be this easy, that this kind of happiness was for anyone but her. It was just too hard to believe. After years, over half a decade of simply knowing that this would never really be for her, whether it be her mother blocking her path or just a cisnormative world. After all that? This wasn't actually possible, was it? It couldn't just be a signature and a trip to the pharmacy away.

"Clarke, baby?" Lexa moved in, nudging her alpha with her nose and forehead.

"It isn't this easy…It can't just be this simple." Her hoarse haunted voice strained to stabilize within her turbulent emotions.

"Clarke." Lexa's jaw dropped. She tried to process, fought to understand, striving to know how to help her terrified mate.

"Clarke?" Nyko noticed that the alpha had begun crying even before Clarke herself had.

"I!" Clarke sniffled.

"It's ok. It is that simple. It is that simple because you have been fighting this for years, I started seeing you over six months ago. By all means, you are ready for this treatment if you want it Clarke."

Clarke shook in an anxious fear-filled hope.

"You don't have to sign. You don't have to do this today. But whenever you are ready. You have this option available to you, and you are not alone. I am your doctor, but I am also a member of the support group, one you are welcome to return to whenever you need mind you."

The pen tapped twice on the paper, each tap followed by the deafening silence of the ballpoint pen's ball circling its confines as it dragged the ink of her signature along. "Thank you Nyko. Thank you so much."

"Of course Clarke."

"I'm proud of you love." Lexa supported.

"Thanks babe."

"Always." The unburdened alpha hugged tight to Clarke, pulling her in as Clarke passed off the clipboard.

"Congratulations. I will start you on a low dose to see how it affects your body, and we can proceed from there, raising the dose if it is needed. But in the meantime, just be careful, monitor your progress carefully and I can schedule something for you next week?" Nyko grabbed up her papers.

"That sounds like a wonderful plan. Thank you so much Nyko." Clarke wiped her face clear only to have it flood back with eager happier tears.

"It is a huge step Clarke. Congratulations." Nyko repeated herself.

"Thank you so much for ensuring that Clarke has this opportunity." Lexa stood and shook the other alpha's hand.

"Anytime. I am just glad that I could help. Now, go ahead, you can make an appointment upfront for next week, and by the time that you are done the scripts should be ready." Nyko instructed, waving them along gently.

"Thanks, will do." Clarke agreed, standing with Lexa and ensuring that she could shake Nyko's hand in appreciation as well before the two of them headed off.

"Take care you two. Hope to see you soon!"

"Of course Nyko."

"Course!" Lexa agreed with her mate.

Clarke and Lexa filed out after Nyko, parting as Nyko headed off into another examination office and the mated alphas slipped back into the waiting room in order to schedule the next appointment. They nabbed a nine am, after a series of apologetic promises that they wouldn't sleep in or end up knotted up in bed again. It took its fair share of haggling but they did, in fact, achieve their ideal time slot. They then took a short sabbatical sitting down and awaiting the prescription papers. It wasn't a long wait, they had just barely even sat down when the office worker called Clarke backup to hand off the prescription and bid the duo adieu.

Clarke and Lexa were back into their car by the time Clarke broke back down into tears of joy. It was something huge. Breathtaking and life-changing in what seemed like every way.

"Now don't go crying all over the papers! The pharmacist won't be able to read em!" Lexa teased, kissing away the tears as they came.

Clarke laughed for a moment but the tears ran faster as her head jerked back and forth on her shoulders. "You are an asshole." She complained lovingly.

"Yeah. Your point?" Lexa played off, moving closer so that she could wipe the tears away with her thumbs.

"I hate that I cry so easily." Clarke griped at herself.

"Nothing about this is easy. I can tell that every time I see the dysphoria in your eyes."

"I… still." Clarke rebuffed, but Lexa's words did mean more than she was letting on.

"My alpha is the toughest alpha, the strongest alpha, the most beautiful alpha I have ever met." Lexa denoted each comment with a kiss.

"You are too." Clarke shivered in a higher hint of pleasure at the loving comments combined with Lexa's sweet kisses.

"I love you."

"I love you too." Clarke kissed slightly deeper at the wonderful woman wiping her woes away.

"That's my beautiful alpha." Lexa poured seeing her mate's strength like Clarke never expected anyone really would. "So, what now? You have class this evening right?"

"Yeah. But we have enough time to put in the prescriptions at the pharmacy, so I would like to stop there first if that is ok?"

"Anything my alpha wishes." Lexa smiled playfully. "I will pick them up on my way to pick you up. When do you get out?"

"Uugh, my last class ends at five-thirty, but I think it would be for the best if you give me a half-hour to talk to my professor and take advantage of his office hours. That ok baby?"

"Of course. I can't wait."

End of Chapter 55

By the way! Wanna talk with more the 100/ clexa fans? Hang and chat in a safe space with other LGBTQ+ folk? I recently made a discord server, you are welcome to join! It's free, and just a place I hope people can chat and feel safe! Link for the server on my tumblr: hopefulbadgerjunara

Chapter Text

Chapter 56

Clarke's first class was a breeze. Casually taking notes while sketching out ideas in the outlines of her notebook was a rather soothing endeavor. The fact that she had already talked to this professor also happened to contribute a more than significant component to how at ease Clarke felt back in his class. A month is a long time to go without having attended class, Clarke knew that. She wasn't stupid. At least that was what she kept trying to remind herself each time a corner of her defeatist mind warned that none of her professors had any iota of an obligation to lend her so much as a modicum of sympathy. None of them owed her anything. In Fact, she owed most of them more than a single neglected project. Clarke winced at the thought, but the guilt melted off momentarily after the professor asked the class a question she was certain she had the answer to.

"Yes, Ms. Griffin?"

"George Caleb Bingham, finished in 1871."

"That is correct Ms. Griffin, it is wonderful to have you back." She condoned with a flourish of acknowledgment.

Clarke silently pumped her fist under her desk, prideful and already patting herself on the back for reviewing the syllabus on the ride home from the cabin and having gone full study crunch to prepare for returning to her classes. It was just the shot of confidence that Clarke needed.

Just the shot of confidence she needed to be flying medium-high when she arrived early for her next class to be shot down with no more than a singular distasteful glare. But, no, tragically for Clarke's morale, this professor had no intention of leaving his disapproval at such a simple glare. "Early Ms. Griffin? You must need directions off to somewhere else. Because I was certain you didn't even take this class anymore."

"Hey, Professor Pike." Clarke sighed, her head sinking down below her shoulders.

He turned his back to her, even though she was the only one in the room. Clarke rolled her eyes angrily as she watched him pretend to refer to his notes and check the work he already had up on the whiteboard.

"You are still here." He noted with an empty tone feigning surprise.

"Yes, I came early to ask if you got my email this weekend?"

"My office hours begin ten minutes after class ends." Pike dismissed.

"Uugh, sir-"

"And I had absolutely no clue what that dumb ass was thinking!"

"Who the fuck would?" A duo of students Clarke remembered as being thoroughly frustrating in that they didn't like shutting up about their oh so unriveting stories even after class has begun.

"Great to see you Montie, Jasper."

"Oh! Hey sir." Montie replied in surprise, giving Clarke just enough to assume whether correctly or not that the warm welcome was far from an ordinary greeting for professor Pike to give the disinterested duo. Instead, Clarke surmised that it was a subtle dig at her and her having attempted conversation with him.

"Jasper, got your email, well done, your work is improving."

"Uugh, well thanks Prof. I appreciate the extension."

A vein grew and grew on Clarke's temple as she half expected for either it or her to explode in indignant anger. Instead, Clarke bit her lip. She tasted blood, but it seemed like the wiser choice than exploding on the teacher for his sub subtle digs.

"Of course, any time." Pike's jovial tone was ridiculously uncharacteristic of him, and Clarke felt almost righteous in how angry she was with him being so cavalier with his taunts.

This time, the class was a grueling endeavor. Clarke trudged against the wind, fighting to keep up and comprehend just what in the hell Pike was focusing on. She couldn't stop kicking herself for not keeping up with the reading. She knew all too well that putting herself down and beating herself up over her past failures would do nothing to assist with the situation she had found herself in now, but it was so hard to ignore how far behind she had put herself when it seemed like every two minutes Pike would move on to an entirely new topic. Each time just before he moved on Clarke would think she knew what was going on, finally feeling like her week's rushed research had paid off, but then he would march onto another topic leaving her in the dust with her hand still hanging confused in the air. Clarke's head was near numb and her heart was actually sore of racing in anger and anxiety by the time the dreadful two-hour long class. One positive, although Clarke didn't quite see it as one yet, she had a litany of effective and detailed notes. She didn't know it, but the notes she had taken were exactly what she would need when exam season came rolling around the week after next. She huffed and puffed irritably as she rushed to shove her book and notes into her bag. She even snarled at a classmate who shoved passed her to get out of the aisle.

"Back off beta." The entitled alpha snarled back at Clarke.

"I'm an alpha, not a beta!" Clarke barked back, her fuse shorter than normal after such a trying class session.

"Whatever, freak." She snarked back.

Clarke bit her tongue, again tasting blood in her mouth as her jaw had already had a workout today chewing on her lip to keep her from yelling at Pike. Things would have been different Clarke promised to herself. She clung to the knowledge that she would have decked the cunt hard enough to lay her out if the alpha had called her a freak in any other context than immediately after she had been snarled at without any real reason than simple lack of an excuse me. Not that any biological alphas actually ever apologize to anyone they weren't trying to bed. Either way, the encounter left Clarke even further frazzled once she arrived at professor Pike once more. She did her best to hold back any prejudgements or lingering grudges from the beginning of class; after all, she did kinda start it by not showing up to class for almost a whole month without any real notice. But with how he reacted, all of the being the bigger woman Clarke would ever have in her roughly one hundred and sixty centimeters would never do anything to help her simply take it with a sharp breath and nothing more.

"Professor Pike." She opened politely.

His hand shot up, just a little too close to the alpha's face, one finger standing above his closed hand. "Ah! Office hours begin at five-forty. If you wish to see me, I will be in my office then"

Clarke's mouth opened to scream at him but she caught on her bruised tongue, her mind short-circuiting in unyielding anger and frustration. Today had already been a terrible tumult of tedious emotions, and to be simply dismissed, toyed around with just because this fuck had an ax to grind about her being out of class. And it isn't like she didn't have a good excuse! She had a fucking miscarriage for christ sake! Something this indignant fucker would know if he had taken all of the two minutes which would have been required for him to read the email she sent him almost a whole week ago!

Clarke still stood there, nearly having an aneurysm in anger while Pike continued about his business as if1 nothing of note had happened whatsoever.

"Oh, hey prof! What did I get on that paper?" Jasper questioned nonchalant as he passed in front of Clarke like she wasn't there.

"Sixty-five. Pull a seventy or better on the final and you will pull your required D to get passed along."

"Thanks man. Much appreciated!" Jasper waived off appreciative of the heads up."

"Why doesn't he have to follow office hours?!" The words fell from Clarke's folly filled lips before she had even processed their meaning and potential repercussions.

Jasper just shrugged and snickered, sauntering his way out of the classroom like all Clarke had done was tell a bad joke.

Pike dropped a singular eyebrow, silently questioning if Clarke had actually asked such a snarky question.

"Well!" Clarke demanded an answer again without thinking.

"Because." Pike responded resolute.

"Because! Because? Because what?!" Clarke ordered an answer beyond furious.

"Because, he will fail my class. You, however. Ms. Griffin, the jury is still out on." He replied so matter of fact that Clarke still hadn't really processed what he had said by the time he picked up his leather bag and his hat. "I hope to see you in my office in… seven minutes Ms. Griffin." He took one short moment to check his watch and then headed off, leaving Clarke dumbfounded and struggling to process what he had said.

"But you just told him he could still pass." Her dumbfounded brain was too preoccupied to censor her empty curiosity.

"Yes, and the world COULD explode in a fiery volcano of death and destruction tomorrow. But it won't." He replied succinctly before walking off and leaving Clarke to question his meaning.

Clarke's near bursting vein appeared on her right temple as she attempted to process. "If he is all buddy-buddy with Jasper, and he isn't gonna pass then what chance do I have! And what is up with the professor playing stupid games! If he has already decided to flunk me then just tell me!" Clarke growled to herself under her breath in an abundance of frustration. "Ahh!" She screamed softly to herself, the thought of following up with professor Pike almost feeling as if it wasn't even worth it. What did it matter if he was just gonna be cryptic and toy with her anyways? All to probably just fail her, in the end, no matter what? "Maybe I should call Lexa and ask her to pick me up early?" Clarke deflated in what felt like the umpteenth failure in a day where no such failures ever actually even occurred. Her brow furrowed caught in between the two choices all the way up until she remembered that the sooner she got home the sooner she could start her treatment. Sure, a couple of hours wouldn't change the slightest thing in the long term. And it wasn't even a whole hour she would start it sooner, but it would be at least a half an hour less that she would have to sit in wait, fearing that her heat might rush back in unannounced like that morning. It was just enough to swing her opinion. Clarke pulled out her phone, exhaustively searching Lexa up and pressing the little green phone icon adjacent from the heart emoji that ended her contact name.

"Class and office hours go that well?" Lexa picked up cheerily after only the first or second ring.

Clarke's silence and disheartened breathing clued the alpha in that things weren't so perfect as she had hoped.

"Oh? Baby? Are you ok? You still have another hour to catch up with your professor if you need it right?"

"Yeah but-"

"I know you can do it sweetheart." Lexa tried to cheer her mate on once more.

"Actually, I'm not sure that is for the best. I think the professor had been kinda messing with me intentionally all class. Plus he pretty much said it was likely that I would fail no matter what." As far as Clarke had interpreted what she had taken the much less stringent words she had heard, this was an accurate depiction of what he had said. Even if in its own way it was far from the truth.

This time it was Lexa's turn to linger in silence.

"Baby?"

"I'm here. I'm really sorry that happened. Are you ok?"

"Not really?" Clarke's tone inflected back on itself in doubt. "I… I just really want to go home."

"You don't wanna try again and attend office hours anyway? You have quite a way of growing on people and I'm sure giving it another shot will help make him warm up to you." Lexa encouraged.

"Lexa, honestly… I don't think I have it in me. I've already almost hit his head off and gotten expelled three times over."

"Oh?"

"I just want to go home, finally take those meds and sleep."

"I…"

"Please baby. I just wanna go home."

Lexa wanted to argue, to remind her mate that giving up wasn't the answer at all, but she didn't. She did, however, fudge the truth a little when she did speak. "Ok, I'll head over soon. But it is just coming up on five-thirty. So It might take me a while. Either way, take care. I believe in you, and you can get through any asshole giving you shit." She tried to give Clarke just enough extra excuses to change her mind and convince her to face her fears, and if Clarke couldn't, then maybe it was for the best.

"Yeah baby. I know." Clarke sighed, rethinking her decisions. "I love you."

"I love you too sweetheart."

"Oh, well, talk to you later babe."

"Clarke!" Lexa yelped quickly.

"Yes Lexa?"

"I got it. Your meds came in an hour ago and I picked up your prescription for you. It's in the car and ready for you when I get to you."

Clarke's face cracked a smile and tears welled up in her eyes all over again.

"You ok?"

"I will be."

"Good. See you as soon as I can."

"See you." Clarke hung up and dropped her phone back down into her purse. She gave herself one extra moment to breathe, to take as deep as inhale as she could and then hold for several seconds before exhaling over a course of what felt like a whole half minute. A clearer head first began to prevail as she held her breath and then she had resolved to heed her mate's belief in her by the time her breathing returned to something slightly heavier than normal. Shouldering her bag, Clarke stepped off, heading down the hallway. She knew quite well where professor Pike's office was, she knew where all of her teacher's offices were. Each and every quarter since she began at college she made an extra effort to identify were her professor's offices were. Her busy mind replayed this thought all the way down the hall even as she blatantly passed his office with the door cracked open as an obvious welcome; whether it be for any student in general or Clarke specifically one could never know.

Pike dropped the papers he had been reviewing the moment he saw Clark's silhouette strafe straight into view of his open office door. But then she passed on as quickly as she had come into view. "Hmmph?" He grunted to himself. "How peculiar." One hand drifted down to the computer mouse sitting on his desk. He quickly reviewed the email he had open for review and reference. "Guess I don't need this up anymore." He clicked out of the tab before he rolled his eyes and returned to the papers he was reviewing. "She wants to fail, she is welcome to." His breath huffed low in a disheartened surprise, like he actually wanted her to still attend office hours after having been rather rude and short with her.

Professor Pike had moved on entirely, halfway into the third page of another frustrating paper, groaning to himself at how another student was clearly faking having done the reading by the time he noticed the noise at his door.

"Uugh! Damnit!" Clarke griped, fumbling with two separate semi crappy looking eight-ounce coffee cups which had clearly come from the instant machine down the hall.

"You came?" His interest got the better of his solemn demeanor.

"Yeah! And I'm trying to bring you coffee!" Clarke yelped, half the hot coffee spilling directly onto her shirt in her efforts to open the heavy door while holding two cups and managing her purse.

"Oh! Shit!" Pike jumped up feeling more than a mite guilty for not having helped his student with the door.

"Fuck!" Clarke huffed, looking down at her shirt which was only saved by the grace that it was already pitch black. She huffed, realizing the lack of professionalism to her word choice. "Sorry. Just, hurts."

"It's fine, sorry I didn't help you." He apologized, half rising to a crouched stance just above his chair before looking to see that Clarke was about to sit herself down despite the drink disaster. At the sight of the anxious mess of an alpha, he simply plopped himself back into his chair before even stepping out from behind his desk.

"Welp, now you get tea. I wasn't sure what you wanted, so I grabbed a coffee and an English breakfast tea."

"I would have taken the tea either way, the machine down the hall brews with wet dirt."

"I'm sorry. I was trying my best." Clarke applied just a touch more sass than she had intended to.

"I can see that." Pike acknowledged, taking the tea with a subtle but still slightly thankful nod of appreciation.

"I came to-"

"Came to ask if you could make up for the past week of classes you missed?" Pike finished for her.

Clarke could feel the vein in her temple threatening to bulge once more at a man explaining to her what she was doing, but, she held back, resisting the urge to call him out on it. "Yes sir. Pretty much." Clarke forced herself to be overly polite.

"And I presume you have brought documentation of your time in the hospital?" Pike lead.

"I! Oh? No. I don't. None of my other professors required that, and I figured it would be fine given that my scent was so clearly pregnant a matter of months ago and now it very much isn't." Clarke answered truthfully.

"Good because I frankly don't care whether or not you have hospital documentation. Your academic advisor might care and even be able to get you an official extension on your work, but I thoroughly don't care."

"I… ok. I'm sorry? And glad I didn't bring any papers from the hospital in that case?' Clarke questioned herself.

"You missed a whole month without even the slightest warning." Pike introduced, not even bothering to divert his eyes from the computer in front of him. as his hand flicked over the mouse to reopen the tab.

"I lost my child." Clarke shot back, irritated with his demeanor and it's entire lack of any hint of empathy.

"Yes. A month before you disappeared."

Clarke's voice caught in her throat. "Do I not get to grieve?"

"You can grieve on your own time."

"I'm sorry, but, are you fucking kidding me?! My child died! I don't get to choose the time that I broke down crying over what I lost and the toll it took on my life, my mate and I, and my body!"

"I assure you that I am… not 'fucking kidding you' Ms. Griffin. You had every ability to contact me before this weekend, to inquire about extensions, and to send in your unfinished work. I recommend that you focus on actually passing the class and rectifying your grade rather than overly concerning yourself with what has already happened." Pike shot back impatient and unappreciative of being cursed at.

Clarke took a quick breath to calm down, seeing the anger in the teacher's eyes. "Ok. I'm sorry. But I did ask what my standing was in the email, and what I could do to rectify it or if I could make up any missing assignments or quizzes."

"I don't allow extensions after the due date, nor do I allow quizzes to be retaken without the student coming to me beforehand, that is in my syllabus Ms. Griffin." He rolled his eyes.

"Actually sir. Your syllabus says that you won't allow them period." Clarke pulled out her syllabus as evidence. "But it does say that with extenuating circumstances the points can be made up elsewhere."

"So it does." Pike's eyes glanced over the paper, already knowing what it said. "And so they can."

"So they can?"

"The points can, in fact, be made up elsewhere." Pike answered, his eyes finishing over the second review of the email before exiting out of it once more, finding himself somewhat satisfied that Clarke had reread the syllabus even before she sent the email the previous weekend instead of sending a singular mass apology and makeup work request to all of her teachers.

"So where else do I make them up?" Clarke eagerly lead. She was more than relieved to hear that she wasn't already too far up the creek without a paddle whatsoever.

"Points can always be made up on the final exam. I make my exams extremely hard for just that reason."

"I… Yes, I've heard stories of how hard it is. And I remember getting a D in the midterm." Clarke admitted with harmed pride. She was accustomed to getting a low B at worst and the D was quite the surprise.

Pike simply hummed in agreement.

"So, what is my current standing in the class? You never mentioned."

"You Ms. Griffin are…" He paused to click over to his grading folder. "Failing. After Monday's missed assignment your grade in my class is in the… high forties."

"Boy, I really hope you mean out of fifty." Clarke chuckled nervously.

"I don't." Professor Pike didn't find it funny or laugh even just to humor her.

"So… uugh, is there any chance of saving that, even with the final exam? Like what would I need to pull on the final to pass? I kinda need this class to graduate in a month." Clarke's laughter petered out into a terrified wince.

"Yes. You can still pass." He answered.

Clarke allowed herself a huge sigh of relief. "Well, that is great to know! What do I have to score?"

"To pass?"

Clarke resisted the urge to sarcastically reply with a 'no, to fail', but instead she restrained herself and replied with a simple. "Yes."

"Do you need a D or a C in my class to graduate?" He offered nonchalant.

"C."

"A C then."

"Huh?" Clarke reflexively questioned.

"You would need to get a C on the final to receive a C in my class."

"Ok, I'm really sorry. But can you please stop messing with me. I've had enough for today, ok? I may be failing your class, but I can do basic math and there is no way that a forty percent plus seventy percent is seventy percent!"

"I am not messing with you, nor have I been all day." Pike finally turned his gaze to Clarke.

"Oh please, ignoring me before class and then being buddy-buddy with Jasper? He might show up, but he is so distracting! I don't think I've ever seen him be quiet for more than two minutes during class. No matter how important the topic is. And then running through each topic so fast that no one could get in a minute to ask a question. I know the pace of your lectures. A half a chapter a day. But today? You went over six!"

"I reviewed the six chapters so that you would have the opportunity to catch up on what you missed. And I have a policy that if anyone scores higher on the final than their grade before the final, then I will simply award the grade from the final. I don't put on the syllabus because if I do then lecture attendance drops by half immediately; people assume that if they can pass the final that nothing else matters. So, no. I was in fact neither 'fucking with you' or 'messing with you'. I was simply attempting to help you pass. Jasper won't pass because he will get a thirty on the final. You, however, still have a chance. I gave you the important chapters to study and the important information to glean from them. The rest is up to you Ms. Griffin." Pike answered cold and returned to his computer, fidgeting around as to set it back to how it was before he had opened his grading program.

"I…" Clarke was still processing.

"You?" He teased.

"I… didn't know. I… kinda feel like an ass."

"You were the one who said it. Not me."

Clarke wanted to argue, but he was technically right. "Uugh, I also brought snacks from the vending machine?" Clarke offered, snaking them out of her purse and handing them off to Pike.

"Thank you." He took them gracefully.

"I… good night sir." Clarke sighed, still feeling quite the fool.

"Ms. Griffin?"

"Yes sir."

"Study. Please?"

"Yes sir." Clarke nodded before heading out in an odd combination of having an extra pep in her step an extra weight keeping her head down slightly. She could do it. She had to be able to do it! Right?

End of Chapter 56

By the way! Wanna talk with more the 100/ clexa fans? Hang and chat in a safe space with other LGBTQ+ folk? I recently made a discord server, you are welcome to join! It's free, and just a place I hope people can chat and feel safe! Link for the server on my tumblr: hopefulbadgerjunara

Chapter Text

Chapter 57

Lexa wore a knowing smile as she watched Clarke exit the building twenty minutes after she had arrived. She strived to avoid her face reeks too much of an I told you so look as she spotted Clarke slightly lighter on her feet than she was when she had headed off into the building earlier that afternoon. Clarke still caught the look in Lexa's eyes, regardless of how hard the alpha tried to hide, Clarke could read her even from thirty meters away. The alpha was only momentarily flustered at how her alpha had been right and in a way she figured she had grown on Pike; how else did she get away with cursing at him?

"Hey love." Lexa rolled the passenger seat window down as Clarke approached.

"Hey baby." Clarke greeted back, taking her purse off of her shoulder and opening the car door.

"How'd it go?"

"I!" Clarke jumped slightly, surprised that the alpha already asked. "How'd you know I went to office hours?" Clarke burned in the embarrassment of knowing she was wrong earlier on the phone.

"Aside from you taking another twenty minutes to get out here?"

"I, shit! I'm sorry I made you wait!"

"Aww, it is perfectly fine baby." Lexa leaned over and hugged her alpha.

Clarke purred softly in appreciation. The warm arms around her were quite the comfort to her, especially with the effects of the suppressant Nyko gave her earlier wearing off and leaving her craving her mate's touch.

"I missed you." Clarke nuzzled into the alpha.

"Aww, hun. I missed you too." Lexa squeezed. "But you didn't answer my question. How did it go?"

"It went a lot better than I thought it would."

"See baby! I told you!"

"Yeah I know." Clarke sighed in disappointment as Lexa released her and threw the car into reverse to back out of the parking lot.

"So? What did he say?"

"He said that I still have a chance to pass."

"That is fantastic baby!"

"Yeah, and then I proceeded to make a complete ass out of myself."

"What? What happened?"

"Remember how I said he had been messing with me all class?"

"Yes."

"Well, I might have kinda snapped and accused him of purposely messing with me." Clarke winced.

"Oh!" Lexa's face contorted in empathetic cringe.

"Twice."

"No!"

"And as it turns out he had actually altered the lecture for my sake to help me pass."

"Oh, baby, no."

"Yup." Clarke whimpered in her shame.

"Well, at least it couldn't get any worse?"

"I opened with spilling coffee all over my tits."

"Oh, sweetheart."

"Yup." Clarke held her head in her hands, too much shame to peak past her fingers.

"That… that is certainly bad, but it isn't terrible."

"On my tits!" Clarke reemphasized."

"Ok, maybe it is a little terrible." Lexa admitted.

"But on the bright side, I have a chance to pass the class. A minuscule one, but a chance all the same." Clarke lightened.

"Oh? Really? What is it?"

"I have to pass the final exam."

"Well, that doesn't sound that bad. Is that it?"

"Pike is notorious for horribly hard exams. Most of my friends who have taken his classes swear up and down that the only reason they passed was because they had an A going into his final."

"Off."

"Yeah. So, my whole life will be studying for the next month."

"Well, I can think of something else you will be doing for the next month.

"What?" Clarke turned to see the small case Lexa was holding up. "What is it?"

"It is your hormones Clarke." Lexa handed off the case.

"Uugh. I kinda expected it to come in a pill bottle." Clarke's eyebrows furrow perplexed.

"Nope. The extra strength suppressants came in a pill bottle, but the alpha hormones are-"

"Injectable." Clarke cut off in fear.

"What's wrong babe?"

"I am not a big fan of needles."

"Oof. Sorry. This was all they said they had."

"Yay." Clarke rolled her eyes sarcastically.

"It's gonna be ok." Lexa took her right hand off of the steering wheel and reached out, finding Clarke's hand and taking it to lend her beloved mate support as best she could.

"Well, where do I inject it?"

"Ass or upper thigh. That was what the pharmacist said."

"Do you know how to do it?"

"No, but we have a medical major who lives in our apartment. I'm sure she could show us."

"Oh my god!" Clarke's jaw dropped.

"What?"

"I didn't tell Raven!"

"No, that isn't possible. She is your best friend. You had mentioned it to her. We had breakfast together yesterday." Lexa countered.

"We had breakfast which I ducked out of ten minutes in to return to studying and catch up work."

"Oh… right you did."

"Raven has been too worried about whether or not I would be able to graduate with her, and frankly so have I. So it never came up between that and just general relief that I was more or less back to myself again."

"Oh god. She won't take it too hard that you didn't tell her… will she?"

"Oh yeah, she will only implode with enough force to drag the entire world into the resulting singularity and kill us all in a terrible black hole related empty nothing." Clarke may have been a little overdramatic, but it in the moment, it felt like it was an appropriate way of describing the situation.

"I'm sure it will be ok love."

"I know, but I'm not so sure."

"You! What?! And you didn't even tell me!?" Raven's shrill scream alerted the whole apartment complex to her dismay.

Clarke reddened in guilt and waved it off, trying to play it down as something less extreme than it was. "I mean it was something I was gonna do eventually no matter what."

Raven huffed and puffed, snatching away the medicine and needle filled pouch. "You could have told me so much as once then!"

"I'm sorry." Clarke deflated.

"I'm sure you are." Raven glared, pulling out the needle and hormone vial.

"I only really knew since the weekend. Lexa told me she set up an appointment for me with Nyko while we were up in her cabin. And… just after everything that's been going on. And the focus on me getting my schooling stuff back together, I guess it just kinda slipped my mind."

Raven frowned for a fleeting moment. "Ok Clarke." She slid her sullen slant straight to a smile before wrapping Clarke up in a tight squeeze. "I'm proud of you though. I know this probably wasn't easy."

"It was really really stressful." Clarke admitted.

"But you did it."

"I did. I did? I DID!" Clarke cycled through her emotions until she found the right response, a small pride growing in her heart. "I did it." She agreed.

"Yeah you did." Raven nodded and released. "Now take off your pants."

"W! What!?" Clarke yelped.

"This is intramuscular right?"

"Yup." Lexa confirmed for Clarke.

"Ok then, pants off." Raven ordered, already drawing out the prescribed amount.

Clarke felt her whole body tense embarrassed and scared of the needle.

"Come on then. Nothing I haven't seen before." Raven might have been a little desensitized to seeing others' bodies in compromising positions through her internships.

"How is this so simple for you!?" Clarke shook conflicted and anxious.

"I've done this twelve dozen times Clarke, it's no big deal. Just a little poke."

Clarke growled at that phrase.

"Hey." Lexa reached out, caressing Clarke's shoulder tentatively. "She's right. Just a little poke. It'll be-"

Clarke interrupted in a reactive snarl. She bore her teeth in self-protective anger.

"Woah? Hey!" Lexa's hand recoiled. "Baby? What's wrong? What happened?"

Clarke was still panting and half snarling half growling, half just breathing in her guttural reaction. She tried to calm herself down but didn't mean it was an easy act.

"Shh. Clarke, it's ok. Your mom isn't here." Raven knew she would have a better chance of getting through to Clarke. Being an omega had it's perks even if often seeming unassuming and unthreatening often lead to her being underestimated by classmates.

Clarke's heavy breaths softened slowly as she realized she wasn't in any danger.

"Why would her mom?" Lexa whispered to Raven in a register that was barely above simply mouthing the words.

Raven attempted to communicate with her eyes alone, but when that failed, she mouthed back "long story."

"I… sorry." Clarke whimpered. "I'm sorry Lexa."

"Hey, hey, I'm right here." Lexa offered open arms.

"Alpha." Clarke whimpered before launching at her mate, hugging to the alpha tight. Even a strong alpha needs her mate from time to time.

"That's it. It's all gonna be ok."

"I didn't mean to-"

"I know baby. If you want to talk about it, we can. But we don't have to."

"Thanks." Clarke clung tighter.

"It's gonna be ok Clarke." Raven added in.

"I… just…" Clarke had a hard time vocalizing her issues.

"I know. Abbigail did quite the number on you. Especially when it comes to needles."

Clarke nodded into Lexa.

"I'm sorry I forgot… or just willingly ignored the memory back somewhere in my mind assuming that it wasn't that bad anymore. Either way-" Raven's sincere apology would always be enough to win back the good graces of her best friend.

"It's ok. Thank you." Clarke hopped from hugging Lexa to hugging Raven.

"Course Clarke." Raven patted back still feeling a modicum of guilt.

"You are safe baby." Lexa came up behind her mate and kissed her on the cheek. Her warm hands aided in calming the anxious alpha, resting on Clarke's hips. It was the small touches that made all the difference, how Lexa's fingers pulled softly and rubbed at Clarke's tense sides. "You don't have to do it if it is too stressful."

"What!" Clarke jumped. "No! Of course I want to do this!" Clarke countered quickly and apparently a little too close to Raven's ear.

"Ouch! Please, No yelling into my ear. I prefer not to go deaf." Raven slithered out of her friend's embrace.

"I'm sorry. Just… Uugh! Just do it! I don't wanna wait anymore, needle or no needle." Clarke huffed and attempted to look strong despite trembling in fear. Such a strong alpha, so terrified by something so tiny. The irony wasn't lost on Clarke, even if it didn't feel like she was a strong alpha in the slightest.

"Yeah. Go for it." Clarke agreed, turning to Lexa and using the sight of her mate to distract her as she pulled down one side of her jeans for Raven to inject into.

"Ok then. Just relax, it will make it easier." Raven advised cautiously.

"Oh yeah, just relax, because that is something that I am capable of doing around needles! Totally!" Clarke snarled, focusing in on Lexa.

"Here." Lexa smirked before tilting Clarke's head up. "I have an idea. Shoot whenever you are ready Raven." Lexa instructed, pulling Clarke in closer and then kissing her. Nice, soft, calm, sweet at first, but neither Lexa nor Clarke had the type of patience that would be required to hold themselves back from deepening the kiss for long. It was a choice Lexa certainly regretted a moment and a half after they had really begun kissing each other. Lexa's tongue swiped softly against Clarke's lower lip and almost immediately Clarke returned the yearning gesture, the two breaking out into s kiss which deepened quickly. It didn't last long though.

"Oww! Oww! Oww! Ouch!" Clarke yelped moments after having nearly bit off a sizable portion of Lexa's lower lip.

"It's just the alcohol wipe Clarke." Raven informed deadpan.

"Oh." Clarke blushed and winced in embarrassment.

"Are you kidding me!" Lexa snapped, holding her busted lip.

"Oh god! I'm sorry babe!"

"Does my blood taste good?" Lexa's tone was both humorous and anger, she herself unsure which to feel as she fought to check that she still had a lower lip whatsoever.

"I! I just jumped at the cold!"

"I can tell love." Lexa laughed. "But did your jaw have to jump too?"

Clarke laughed embarrassed. "I could kiss it to make it better?"

"No! No! I think not! Wouldn't wanna know what happens when you actually take the shot if this is just from the alcohol swab." Lexa grinned as best she could with a busted lip, her eyes flickering down.

"Sorry baby." Clarke performed her best innocent and I didn't mean to look.

"I know baby. And I'm proud of you." Lexa nodded, receiving a thumbs up from Raven behind Clarke.

"Proud of me for what?"

"You just had your first shot of alpha hormones!" Raven announced standing up and putting the tools away.

"What?" Clarke spun around in circles to first look at Raven behind her, then Lexa, then back to Raven. She repeated the cycle over and over until she was dizzy.

"You didn't even notice that I stuck you because you were too busy apologizing to Lexa." Raven's smile cracked overly wide.

"Was that your plan this whole time?!" Clarke snapped back around to Lexa.

"No, my plan was not to lose my lip. I was hoping my kisses could distract you from the needle but I couldn't even distract you from the alcohol swab." Lexa chuckled.

"Oh." Clarke sighed feeling naive. "Sorry again."

"Well, it should be enough to distract you from anything in a little bit." Raven zipped the medicine case up and passed it off to Clarke.

"Why's that?"

"Because I gave you the rut week dosage."

"Huh?" Clarke tilted her head confused.

"You started a… heat…" She whispered the word like it was verboten. "This morning right? It said in the instructions to take a double dose during your normal cycle week, that it would put you in a rut to replace your… you know."

"Oh god… I have to study. I have exams in like three weeks."

"Good luck hun, Octavia can't focus on anything unless she knots during her rut. Wonder how it will affect you?" Raven snickered at the thought.

"Well, how about I take her off to bed and she and I can figure out what we can do about her oncoming rut." Lexa came up from behind Clarke and nipped softly at Clarke's neck.

"Mhmm fuck, I, oh. I think I can get on board with that idea." Clarke purred and offered her neck.

"Yeah. As long as you promise to go easy on my poor lip."

"I promise love." Clarke agreed, turning and kissing her mate's cheek.

"In that case, I will leave you two to your fun. O will be home soon, and I want to have my work done so I can spend some time with her cuddled around me and talking to both of us." Raven rubbed her belly.

"Aww. That's so sweet." Clarke cooed.

"Grr. Now I want one of those all over again." Lexa rested her head on Clarke's neck and pouted, getting a nice little bonus from her swollen lips. The lighthearted act almost did enough to cover how heartwrenching a topic it actually was. How the comment originated as an honest suggestion, but so quickly turned hollow and rotted in her mouth.

"I know love, I know. Me too." Clarke took Lexa by her hands and lifted them off from her hips so she could wrap them around her. "Me too." It was a melancholy agreement, a small morning laced in; the burying of what she lost, but preparing to move forward. Whether they could have that or not, they could still be happy together. After all, they didn't HAVE to make kids themselves, they could one day adopt or use a surrogate if the day came they chose to do that. But for now? Just the two of them were enough for each other as long as they were together in the other's arms.

End of Chapter 57

By the way! Wanna talk with more the 100/ clexa fans? Hang and chat in a safe space with other LGBTQ+ folk? I recently made a discord server, you are welcome to join! It's free, and just a place I hope people can chat and feel safe! Link for the server on my tumblr: hopefulbadgerjunara

Chapter Text

Chapter 58

"You just wanna sit here and rest in bed?" Lexa raised an eyebrow.

"No. I wanna keep fixing up your lip and then cuddle while we wait to see what the effects are." Clarke repeated frustratedly grabbing at Lexa's lip and applying a numbing dental gel and chapstick.

"You know that just putting chapstick on it won't do anything to make it heal right?"

"I will take care of my mate!" Clarke huffed lowly, forcing Lexa back into her mountain of pillows and applying more.

"Oh, you will huh?" Lexa smiled.

Clarke growled possessively. "Yes! I will! Now stop smiling! You smiling might stretch your lip and make it bust all over again."

Lexa couldn't help but laugh softly.

"Stop!" Clarke snarled, pinning Lexa down ruffly without it being too much.

Lexa forced her smile and laughter die out, interested in seeing where this might just go. "Ok." She tried serious.

"Good!" Clarke still huffed and half snarled, some part of her needing something to be overly protective over.

"Good." Lexa agreed.

"Good!" Clarke barked.

"Good." Lexa smiled again.

"Bad! Bad girl! You aren't allowed to smile! I don't want you to hurt your lips!"

"Oh? I'm not?"

"No! No, you aren't! You need to be safe!"

"I am safe."

"You're damn right you are! My mate is always safe under me." Clarke agreed, finding that Lexa's thigh was pressed perfectly against her core and her clit was beginning to burn. "Ohh. Yes. So safe right under me."

"I am completely and utterly safe." Lexa cheered on, grabbing Clarke's hips and guiding her alpha as to how to roll her hips just right to garner the most friction she could on a freshly over swollen clitoris.

"So safe. Protected. Warm." Clarke moaned lewdly. "Sexy, fuck, so sexy."

"Am I now?"

"Perfectly, wonderfully, breathtakingly sexy." Clarke's hands slipped down from Lexa's shoulders to her breasts, groping them eagerly.

"Hey there?" Lexa enjoyed getting to see her mate in such an interesting form, beginning her first rut and still not quite realizing it yet.

"So fucking sexy." Clarke's growls deepened, quickly growing richer and more dominant; enough, no more than enough to make Lexa shutter under her.

"Oh fuck." Lexa felt a hint of her breath rushed out in a way she wasn't familiar with whatsoever. Clarke's pheromones were different. Her scent was completely alien and yet still so undeniably her in every way. It made Lexa's head swim, slightly fuzzy as she felt herself slicken easily for her alpha.

Clarke dropped her head down, brushing her lips across Lexa's ear as she let loose another growl with a force and weight she had still yet to understand. "You look so good, shuttering under me, craving your alpha."

It was true, beyond true in every way. Lexa had begun craving Clarke, a corner of her twisting wetness lamenting that Clarke's clit couldn't form to a full alpha cock, that she couldn't feel her mate's warm flesh swelling up inside her and locking them together. "Craving you." Lexa echoed the sentiment that was all that she could think as it ran through her mind, her core demanding it more and more each moment.

"Such a good girl for me."

Lexa lost all of what little breath she had left at that. Her alpha once strong, proud, unbroken and untamed was now curled up, submitting in the most beautiful way to her mate's awakened and unleashed alpha. "Yours." She offered up her whole self.

Clarke nibbled at Lexa's ear and down onto her neck, a small reward for the alpha who submitted just as she wanted.

"You feel so good under me. I bet you are all wet, aching for your alpha."

Lexa's eyes rolled back in a mix of shame at her momentarily broken pride and desperation at the exact aching wet craven core her alpha was already taunting her for. "Yes." She whimpered out softly.

"That's my girl!" Clarke's hips began moving faster under her. She quickly found the ideal perfect pace and angle with the help of Lexa's guiding hands showing her the way. "Fuck that feels good!"

"Yes!" Lexa whined louder, raising her chest, hips, and thighs for more friction and contact with the alpha grinding and groping at her.

Clarke snarled ripping haphazardly at Lexa's shirt. Her alpha instincts had awakened and weren't interested in any form of waiting. She wanted to have her mate naked, bare in front of her and ready to be ravaged.

"W! Woah there girl!" Lexa's hands rushed to catch Clarke's and stop her from ruining her shirt, but they were too late.

"Mine!" Clarke snarled, leaning in and sniffing at Lexa's neck.

"Yes, yes, yours but that doesn't mean we need to ruin my shirt, now does it?"

"Want you bare! Mine! Gonna make my girl feel good!" Clarke ordered, licking and nipping at her alpha's exposed flesh.

"I! Oh god!" Lexa moaned, the love bites enough to distract her all over again.

"That's my girl. Wanna make you feel good." Clarke ripped at Lexa's shirt once more, biting harder as she did.

"Fuck, my shirt." Lexa groaned.

"I'll get you a new one." Clarke offered. She found something divine in the thought of buying the alpha under her a new shirt, providing, caring for her. Near nothing was quite as wonderful an idea as giving Lexa everything and anything she might need; never mind that it would take her multiple online art commissions to make up for Lexa's fancy shirt and the sheer fact that Lexa was much more financially stable.

"Clarke!" Lexa whined. Simply replacing the shirt wasn't the point but with Clarke's attention shifting to her bare chest it was quite the challenge to focus on much else.

"I'm gonna take care of you, such good care. Gonna make you cum so many times that you can't get out of bed. Then, I'm gonna cook you dinner and bring it to you."

Lexa had been fully on board, falling completely under the spell of her mate's thickening alpha pheromones all the way up until the idea of Clarke cooking. "Baby, you can't cook."

"I'll cook for you."

"You can not cook."

"I will for you." Clarke insisted, now circling her tongue over Lexa's right nipple.

"No, no, baby. You are not allowed to cook in my kitchen." Lexa chuckled.

"Fine then, I'll get you take out. Whatever! I! I! I just wanna provide!" Clarke huffed and then leaned back in, going to kiss and suck at Lexa's nipple but then stopping herself. "I'm"

"You are in a rut my love."

"I'm in a rut!" Clarke realized only as she herself said it aloud.

"Yes you are." Lexa leaned up to kiss her mate.

"I! Oh god! It feels really good!" Clarke's body distracted her as her clit grazed against Lexa's thigh just right once more.

"I'm sure it does." Lexa smiled, caressing her hands over Clarke's hips in an enticing encouragement.

"Fuck, and I, I just wanna provide for you so bad."

"That sounds very nice sweetheart."

"Fuuck!" Clarke drug out the exclamation.

"That's it baby. How are you? Are you ok? What else are you feeling?"

"I… I'm hot, but not like a heat. Heat feels like I'm burning from the inside out… but this is like my skin is hot, like I need to touch you, to fuck you and-" Clarke interrupted herself with a loud angry growl. "Fucking fuck! I wanna fuck you so bad."

"Ok, Ms. Vocabulary." Lexa snickered but Clarke didn't seem to enjoy the joke quite as much. "Take off your clothes, it will make it easier. The heat on your skin will be more bearable if you strip."

"Me thinks someone just wants to get me naked." Clarke teased taking off her shirt.

"Really?" Lexa cocked an eyebrow. "Says the one who just ripped my shirt off?"

Clarke huffed, undoing her pants, the advice worked better than she had expected.

Clarke puffed out a dismissive growl, but blushed all the same. Her face would always betray her for Lexa.

"It's ok, I understand. The first one can be weird and… if you will excuse the pun, hard."

Clarke made suggestive eyes and danced her eyebrows. "It was hard huh?"

"I mean it baby." Lexa pushed at Clarke's hips gently. "Imagine you had no one to channel those feelings at? Just an empty burning and a searing pain when your knot finally pops with no one to slide it into."

"My poor baby girl. I can just imagine you hopelessly rutting, desperate to release. Getting your knot stuck in the spring of a couch cushion."

"Not funny!" Lexa laughed before fighting for dominance. Leveraging one leg for momentum, Lexa toppled her mate, rolling them both onto their sides and then maneuvering to get Clarke on her back.

"Ack!" Clarke laughed and screamed, taken off guard by her mate. After she had her whereabouts steady once more she let loose a low protesting growl. "Bad." She glared unappreciative of being thrown on her back.

"I'm your alpha too remember?"

Clarke continued growling, worked up in a whole alpha huff.

"Relax alpha. It's gonna be ok, I'll submit." Lexa offered her neck.

Clarke's pupils constricted in an instant, focusing directly on an unmarked patch of pristine skin. She launched, snatching Lexa's flesh right between her teeth. Her growls grew much louder as her teeth clamped down around the alpha's neck.

"Clarke." Lexa gasped out, cling to the alpha. Breaths shuttered out of her throat and right onto Clarke's neck. "Damnit that is nice."

"Mine!" Clarke declared into her mate's flesh, clamping down harder."

"Go easy baby, we don't know if your bite has matured yet." Lexa found it hard to dissuade Clarke not because Clarke was so dead set on biting with all she had, which she was, but instead because her alpha's bite on her flesh felt. Perfect in all ways, nothing had ever drawn her to submit so much as this ever before. Lexa's eyes rolled back and she pressed her forehead to Clarke's neck. She was offering herself up in her entirety for Clarke. Her actions were doing absolutely nothing to dissuade Clarke, in fact, she was actively enticing her alpha, begging for more with how she pressed her neck further into the bite.

"F.. fuck, sorry. Its… just a little hard to stop when you are rocking into me like that." Clarke painfully pulled away, wincing in longing to feel her mate's flesh being marked once more.

"It was really nice."

"I can tell, and someone is horny, rubbing her aching little pussy against my leg."

"Are you kidding me lil Ms. First rut and grinding against me?"

Clarke's demanding growl turned Lexa's tone quickly.

"Yours." The alpha submitted easily, her alpha bowing down to the fledgling alpha and her. It was a new muscle, but Clarke was already adept at flexing her alpha growl, more than enough to catch Lexa and muscle her down into somewhere near subspace, and certain to fall further soon.

"All mine." Clarke took back control, rolling them back so that Lexa was on the bottom again.

"Fuck, yes yours." Lexa panted out, moving in to kiss Clarke, busted lip or not.

Clarke kissed back forcefully, grabbing at Lexa and pulling her closer as she delved her tongue into Lexa's mouth and owned the fight for dominance. Everything came so much easier, it all felt immeasurably better, so simply more her in every way. There was no fighting an urge to submit, no painful twisting she didn't enjoy, just pure lust and enjoyable arousal all for her beautiful mate

"Mine." This time the declaration was softer, not of ownership but of love. Her hand reached up to caress Lexa's cheek.

"Hey?"

"Hi."

"You ok?" Lexa checked.

"Perfect." Clarke's thumb stroked gently at Lexa's cheek.

"Are you ready to take our clothes? Start ravaging each other?"

"Dear god yes!"

"Then take off my clothes, ya big bad alpha."

"Don't have to tell me twice." Clarke eagerly began yanking at Lexa's pants.

"Button, button and zipper first babe. No more ruining my clothes!"

Clarke glared back up at the alpha, her eyes protesting but she yielded. Clarke played patient, unbuttoning Lexa's pants and zipper before returning to her impatience and ripping the pants off of Lexa. Nothing would ever match her delight at what she saw moments later. She by some miracle had missed Lexa's panties in the effort to remove what clothing was left on her alpha. They were stained, white fabric perfectly transparent in the center, displaying Lexa's desperation. "Oh fuck." Clarke swooned at the smell, it was the same, but she smelled it differently. Without her omega dynamic clouding her sense of smell, she could pick up on the odor of Lexa's submission so much better, and it was heavenly.

"Clarke!" Lexa whined.

"So Beautiful" Clarke parted Lexa's legs as she fought a staring contest with the wet patch of Lexa's panties.

"Clarke! Please don't just tease me!"

"But teasing you sounds so fun." Clarke argued playfully as she moved in closer, breathing Lexa in deeper.

"Damnit Clarke!" Lexa nearly broke. Her hips bucked up desperately, calling for her alpha, enticing her more and more to finally give in and pleasure her just how she needed.

Clarke wasn't ready to give in, not yet, not completely. Instead of slipping off the panties separating her from Lexa's sex, Clarke just moved in and drug her tongue along the stain in Lexa's panties. Lexa tasted almost as good as she smelled even though thin cotton.

Lexa screamed in impatient agony. Clarke always knew what made her tick but now with alpha hormones running her mind she was ever more merciless, eager to ruin Lexa and more than capable.

"That's it, that's my girl." Clarke cheered on. Leaving longer loving licks Clarke lapped unyieldingly at Lexa's sex through her panties. Her efforts were thoroughly rewarded, The wet spot visibly growing and tasting even more of Lexa at each and every lick.

"Clarke! Damint! You! Fuck!" Lexa couldn't form anything reasonably coherent with Clarke's efforts slowly driving her insane.

"There you go." Clarke praised softly and snaked her arms around Lexa's thighs getting comfy and readying herself to enjoy ruining Lexa further in comfort.

Lexa's breaths ran her ragged, sharp breaths interrupting desperate whines and an occasional moan. Clarke's tongue gave just enough to press her right against a rising sense of ecstasy without giving her much of anything to latch on to. It was more than enough to reassure Clarke that she was doing everything perfectly even if it meant that she didn't get to taste her mate directly. A deft tongue eventually grew curious however, eager to taste more of her mate. Clarke gave in, not for the sake of Lexa's whines but because she wanted to taste all of Lexa. Two fingers hooked inside one end of the drenched gusset to Lexa's panties, pulling it aside so that she could probe her mate's labia unhindered.

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" Lexa cheered out the moment she realized what Clarke was finally giving her.

"Good girl." Clarke adored hearing her mate's joy and relief filled cries. She was truly capable of providing for her mate. It was a wonderful euphoric feeling and it was perfect. Allowing her tongue to probe and delve in between the folds of Lexa's heavenly sex Clarke deepened slowly. Each lick and swipe of her tongue she allowed to part the folds just a little more as she watched Lexa's clit poke out from under its hood and beg for attention that she was not interested in giving just yet.

Eventually, Lexa's hands found their way down to Clarke's head. She pulled back the alpha's hair, her fingers running through the silken locks, balling them up and pulling. Each desperate yank urged Clarke to lap deeper, but the alpha didn't obey the request. "Baby! Mope! Please!"

"Patience is a virtue." Clarke teased.

Lexa growled back, playing angry with being toyed with even if she loved it almost just as much as she enjoyed toying with Clarke.

"Growling huh?"

Lexa whined at being caught. "Clarke! Fuck! It is starting to hurt!"

"Is it now?"

"Please!"

"Please what?"

Lexa huffed and averted her eyes in the embarrassment of having her alpha pride so thoroughly broken for her mate.

Clarke taunted a lick at Lexa's slit, denoting it with a flick of the tip of her tongue right at Lexa's aching clit. "If you don't say what you want, and ask nicely, you won't get it my love." Clarke warned.

Lexa whined again, her core twisting and tightening in a pleading ache for the alpha between her legs to finally give in and give her what she needed. "Please Clarke! It hurts and I wanna cum!"

"Aww, you do now?"

"Yes!" Lexa snapped.

"My poor girl." Clarke kissed up Lexa's lower lip.

"Clarke! Please!"

"My, poor, girl." Clarke repeated, this time with three succinct swipes at Lexa's desperate bundle of nerves to enunciate her words.

Lexa's whole body arched, her hips lingered in the air pleading for more all the way up until Clarke finally gave in. Latching her lips directly around Lexa's exposed bundle of nerves Clarke swirled her tongue around Lexa's clit. Sucking softly and massaging with her tongue Clarke went to work. Lexa's body finally collapsed back onto the bed but Clarke and her wonderfully dexterous tongue and mouth followed with. "That's it, yes baby. Thank you!" Lexa breathlessly gasped out, her hips slowly rocking into the pleasure of Clarke's mouth.

"Good girl." Clarke mawed at Lexa, taking her in and giving the alpha everything she had. Her tongue moved faster and faster as she sucked in a hastening intermittent pattern synced with how Lexa's hips rocked into her.

"Fuck fuck fuck!"

"Cum. Come on, cum for me." Clarke's cold dominant voice broke out low from between the laps which would certainly be Lexa's undoing.

"Yes!" Lexa panted. "Yes my alpha!" Her hips bucked up hard again, grinding right against Clarke's tongue in such a way that would have made climax a foregone conclusion regardless of her alpha's permission.

Clarke didn't stop even as Lexa's voice cracked in rapturous orgasm, she continued far past when Lexa's body went slack in release and even trudged onward as Lexa tensed back up in overstimulation.

"Oh fuck Clarke! Too much! Fuuuck!" Lexa's voice drug out the exclamation. Her body tried to regulate the rampant sensation but they got the better of her and she came again despite her own struggle not to.

"So good and sexy for me cumming twice so fast for me." Clarke praised as Lexa lied limp lush in luxurious post-orgasmic buzzing haze.

"Good, for you." Lexa whimpered out in between half breaths. Her body seemed to be incapable of catching back up to her for quite a while. Clarke had already kissed all the way up her body, left a small series of hickeys on her neck and began kissing her lips by the time Lexa could so much as move a finger again.

"So so good." Clarke praised, kissing deeper so that Lexa could taste her own release on her mate's breath.

"Fuck, why didn't we get you hormones months ago."

"I was a little pregnant months ago." Clarke snickered and moved back down to Lexa's neck to leave more small yellowish-brown bruised from adoring alpha hickys,

"I don't care. That was so nice."

"I'm glad." Clarke offered back some soft licks at Lexa's neck which sent shivers all down Lexa's spine in an effort to wake her hibernating snatch back up.

"What about you Ms. Alpha. Don't you need some release too?"

End of Chapter 58

By the way! Wanna talk with more the 100/ clexa fans? Hang and chat in a safe space with other LGBTQ+ folk? I recently made a discord server, you are welcome to join! It's free, and just a place I hope people can chat and feel safe! Link for the server on my tumblr: hopefulbadgerjunara

Chapter Text

Chapter 59

"What about you Ms. Alpha. Don't you need some release too?" Lexa's eyebrow cocked groggily, her lingering release and flood of hormones brought along with it still threatening to drag her to sleep soon if she didn't fight its hypnotic lure.

"Damnit you are right." Clarke groaned. Her hips rolled the moment she gave any thought to them. Her pussy and clit gliding right against Lexa's leg. "Oh fuck."

"That good baby?" Lexa forced herself to rouse and raise her right leg against Clarke's core.

"Gotta get outta my clothes!" Clarke rolled off of Lexa, ripping at her jean's button. Her hands shaking with arousal were incredibly inefficient. Far too preoccupied with how much her engorged clit burned.

"Shh." Lexa soothed, catching how belabored and flustered Clarke's breaths had become. "Let your mate take care of your rut, or at least leave me the joy of removing my alpha's clothes." Her hands offered their services by sliding up Clarke's thighs alluringly.

"I! Just need clothes off!" Clarke growled impatiently.

"I know baby. I know." Lexa forced herself to roll over and kiss at Clarke's clavicle while her hands undid the aching alpha's pants. It was a labored effort, shrugging off the call to sleep but she wanted her alpha to enjoy everything that would accompany her beautiful rut.

Clarke garnered a huge sigh of relief when she finally had her pants and panties removed thanks to Lexa.

"That's it." Lexa lazily kissed down Clarke's abdomen.

"That feels really nice." Clarke's core fluttered slightly ticklish at the sensation of Lexa's kisses being peppered along her flesh.

"I'm glad." Lexa ran one hand up and down Clarke's thigh and the other across the alpha's shoulder. Her strokes suddenly stopped, resuming a moment and a half later.

"What is it?" Clarke's head popped up concerned. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong at all love." Lexa's calm tone washed over Clarke, soothing her edgy alpha senses.

"Then… then what is it?"

"Nothing." Lexa's voice lingered on a long o sound.

"What?" Clarke pressed.

"Nothing." Lexa teased again.

"Lexa!"

"I'll tell you… if you let me lick it."

"Of course! You have eaten me out dozens of times."

"Not necessarily what I meant." Lexa snickered.

"Well, either way. Feel free. I'm horny, and I love feeling my mate's tongue down there."

"You sure?"

"Yes! Please! It is pounding!"

"I'm sure it is my love. Just lay back, I will help you feel better." Lexa instructed. It wasn't ginormous, or even larger, not even average by any means as far as an alpha cock. But what protruded from between Clarke's legs was by no means just a clitoris anymore.

"Oh fuck what the hell is that!" Clarke jumped, her hips lingering up as she felt some unique part of her which seemed like it had never been touched before melt in an unexplainable pleasure that zapped away any and every thought Clarke could or never would have.

Lexa just moaned onto the mini erection, growling into it pleased at her mate's enjoyment.

"Wha- oh- fu-" Clarke failed to get out anything much in the way of words. Who could during their first blowjob?

"That's it." Lexa praised with the appendage still in her mouth.

"No! No! Don't stop! No! Oh, fuck!" Clarke grabbed Lexa's head. With her hands slipping through Lexa's dark hair, Clarke tied her fingers in knots with her mate's locks.

"You want more don't you?" Lexa enjoyed teasing her mate but did not enjoy having knots woven in her hair.

"Yes!" Clarke demanded in a rough bark.

"No knotting my hair then." Lexa laughed softly, straightening her hair for a moment and then pulling it all back in a handful before offering it up to Clarke. "There." She offered.

Clarke whined a protest for having her pleasure taken away, but once her alpha impatience cleared she willingly took Lexa by the hair once more. "Sorry." Her begrudging protest was clear, but she did apologize.

"Thank you baby." Clarke whispered back.

"Always. Any day, every day. Yours. I am your mate, you are my alpha." Lexa offered, placing her lips back down on Clarke's flesh and around her engorged clit. She sucked softly, allowing her lips to seal down around Clarke, swirling her tongue all the way around as she pulled her head up and let it fall back down.

Clarke's grip on Lexa's hair grew tighter, her fledgling dick felt like it was melting at Lexa's miraculous mouth. If Lexa didn't start going easier Clarke was certain she would either go mad or simply pass out in ecstatic pleasure. A small corner of her mind was almost certain her heart might give out in her joyous euphoria, and oh what a wonderful way to go that would be! "Fuck baby! That is!"

Lexa moaned onto the erection, her noises seductively pulling Clarke further into the depths of a delicious madness.

"Yes! Yes! Just like that!"

Lexa took the clue and knowing all too well how hellishly horny Clarke must be in the midst of her first rut, she did everything she could. Pulling out all the stops, Lexa sucked harder and circled her tongue around Clarke as one of her hands traveled up Clarke's thigh and caressed along the outside of Clarke's labia majora. It was intentional move, one she knew would be pleasant and gender validating given that it was where a cis alpha's testis were located. Her efforts worked, Clarke shuttered, quivered and broke. The alpha's body went rigid then relaxed.

Lexa licked up her handiwork. The hormones hadn't done something so drastic as forming a second urethra or even have given her anything to expel through it. And it certainly didn't seem like Clarke would form any sort of knot. To Lexa's best understanding the hormones alone never would perform something so drastic. But that didn't mean that Clarke didn't get all the joy, pleasure, and release any other alpha would get.

"Lexa." Clarke whimpered half exhausted, half delighted. Her grip loosened and slacked before her hand dropped off to the side.

"That's it." Lexa moved quickly to set up an extra pillow behind Clarke. Intentionally propping her up. "I want you to see something."

Clarke purred completely careless in a content calm. "What?" She groggily questioned.

"Look, I want you to see this." Lexa urged with a hand waving in front of Clarke's face.

"Yeah, what?" Clarke's head cleared sluggishly.

"Here." Lexa took her hand and slipped it under Clarke's still erect cock. It was small, thin, no larger than her own thumb by any means. For all intensive purposes, it wasn't even an attractive sight, and almost certainly far from sexy. But that would never matter to the two of them. For Clarke the sight of her own fledgling cock was a transcendent sight, something that was the most beautiful stepping stone there ever was or would be. For Lexa? All Lexa needed to know was that it made Clarke happy, and even better, it made her feel good. Those two things combined would forever make it the sexiest appendage there ever could be. "Beautiful, huh?" Lexa praised, stroking her thumb along its tip while it rested against her palm.

"Oh fuck! That feels really good! It is even more sensitive right after I-"

"I know baby. Imagine sticking it in someone, leaving it there as you are stuck together."

"Someone? The only one I want to stick it in is you."

"I think I would like that a lot." Lexa kissed Clarke's cheek. "But first I would like to get something to eat. Whatever you want. If you want me to cook, I can do that, if you wanna order in, you are welcome to do that too."

"Oh, but I'm not allowed to cook right."

"Oh please god no baby. I'm begging you baby, support and care for me by never cooking for the rest of your life." Lexa dramatized.

"Haha hardy har har, I'm a bad cook." Clarke faked her laughter with a genuine smile.

"I love you." Lexa sat back on her heels, taking a moment to absorb all the abundance of beauty that came in her mate glowing with happiness.

"I love you too babe. Pizza or chinese?"

Lexa labored over a lingering indecisive hum.

"General Tso's pizza?"

"Dear god, that is a thing?"

"We live near a college campus, everything is a thing hun."

"God it sounds vile."

"It's actually pretty good. Like barbecued chicken pizza but the chicken is fried and it has broccoli on it."

"And you say this is good?" Lexa eyed disbelieving.

"Look Lex, don't knock it until you try it." Clarke fought.

"Ok?" Lexa shook her head. "I can't believe that I am actually gonna say yes to this, but sure, let's try it."

"Yay! I'll call!" Clarke pumped her fists up and down in victory.

"If it tastes like shit I am cooking something else." Lexa threatened.

"I'm sure you will, and it will be better than anything I could ever order in. But for now, we wait and hope you like it." Clarke moved on the bed to hug Lexa.

Lexa Hugged back, taking Clarke and laying her back into her lap. "You ok?" She asked, beginning to gently play with Clarke's hair.

"I've never been better. I just had sex with my mate as an alpha. I… I don't know that anything has ever been so perfect."

"Good. I'm really glad baby. You mean the world to me." Lexa tugged gently at a singular wavy lock.

"And you to me."

"I know. I know. Just… I was scared. I am scared. But you are smiling again, and I'm just so terrified you won't be again soon."

Clarke wasn't sure how well she would have understood as little as two hours ago. Back when she hadn't experienced the rush of hormones, how her alpha so easily blinded her when it came to the issues of her mate. She would have understood in the abstract, but to comprehend; to witness how much it pulled at her. "I am happy. I may not be happy all the time. I may not be constantly happy forever. But I am safe. I am safe and I can and will make it through anything life has to throw at me. You know why?"

"Why?" Lexa twirled Clarke's hair in her fingers as the alpha looked up to her in her lap.

"Because I have you." Clarke curled up and kissed Lexa on the cheek, grabbing her phone and ordering delivery.

The pizza came roughly a half-hour later. When it arrived, Clarke ordered Lexa to stay in bed, that she was not allowed to get up or out of bed. Lexa laughed but she still obeyed the ridiculous order. She wanted to cater to her beloved mate and her needs, whatever they may be and double because it was gender affirmation related. Clarke returned a minute and a half later, pizza and plates in one hand with napkins in the other.

"A dinner is served!" Clarke flourished as best she could while trying to balance the pizza box in her hand.

"Ok, let's try this monstrosity." Lexa hyped herself up.

"C'monn it's good."

"Sure it is."

"Try a bite before you start knocking on it." Clarke pouted.

"Yes, yes love." Lexa took the box and opened it up on the bed.

"So… ummm, something great kinda happened when the pizza delivery boy dropped off the pizza…" Clarke blushed and lingered in the note with a happiness that made Lexa's heart flutter to see.

But even in that flutter, Lexa felt something less positive. Her eyes flickered with a hint of fear and a debilitated growl left her lips in the form of something a little too close to a whimper. "What-" She gulped down conflicted emotions. "What happened." She couldn't help but fear that the boy was an omega, that he had a sweet scent, one sweeter than her earthy alpha tones at least. What if in her haste to help Clarke get her hormones she had made a mistake? What if the hormones would change Clarke's tastes along with her sent? No! She couldn't lose her alpha to some slutty fucking omega pizza boy! No! Never!

Clarke was glowing, so overjoyed with what had happened that she didn't notice Lexa growing red in embarrassment, nearly blue with bated breath, and somehow every color other than how green she was with jealousy. "So, right after I opened the door to pick up the pizza, he could smell that I was in a rut." Lexa quivered in fear as Clarke continued. "And he could smell that there had been an omega in heat. Coincidentally also me, but ya know. Anywho! He was also an alpha a-"

"Oh thank god!" Lexa finally got a good breath after having held hers since the story began.

"Thank god what? What's wrong?" Clarke wasn't sure whether to be angry, empathetic, or concerned and her face showed it. "Were you not listening?" Her hurting heart shown through in her words. This had been something so special to her, why wouldn't Lexa even just pay attention?"

"I! I was listening! Of course, I was listening! I… just." Lexa hung her head, feeling beyond stupid, paranoid and short-sighted.

"Just what?"

"I… I was scared that he was an omega!" Lexa blurted out. "That's it! Ok?"

"Why… why would you be scared that our pizza delivery boy was an omega? What would be wrong with that?" Clarke sunk down onto the bed, sitting on its edge and reaching out to Lexa. She didn't understand, but she didn't need to. You never need to understand when the person you love is hurting.

Lexa's eyes evaded Clarke's concerned gaze.

"Lexa?" Clarke moved in closer, reaching out for Lexa's hand. This time she caught it by two fingers. "Baby talk to me, I'm right here."

"I was afraid that… that you would smell your first omega now that you are on hormones and… and you know! Want to… That just because you are an alpha doesn't mean you are gay!" Lexa had begun hyperventilating. "What if now your tastes change like your scent?" Her breaths were short and her tears were swelling. "What… what if you fall in love with someone else now!" The damn broke, tears were streaming down Lexa's face and her sobs came in irregular desperately pained heaves.

"What?" Clarke was perplexed, dumbfounded, struck in the entirely confusing idea. "How could you think? I… no! Lexa, I love you. I wouldn't."

"You don't know, the scent of heats can be intoxicating! It can leave you dead in your tracks and still trying to figure out what the hell happened and why your cock hurts!"

"No, no." Clarke's words were slow as she tried to comprehend, to figure her response and how to word it, but that lead to it coming too slow.

"Clarke! So many things are changing for you. I love you so much! So fucking much! But, really. What if your sense of smell has changed just like your odor. So much is changing for you, and I am so proud, so glad that you have that! That you are finally really getting to be you. But what if getting to be you… what if that means not being with me?" Lexa repeated herself once or twice, but it was all she could think to say.

"Lexa, you are my mate. Alpha, omega, beta, that doesn't fucking matter." Her hands grabbed her mate's and held it close. "You are my mate. I love you. I have your mark, and you have mine." One of her hands rose to her own mating scar, and the other brought Lexa's hand to her neck where Clarke had bitten months ago. The scar didn't heal quite as clear as hers had, but it was still so clearly Clarke's bite.

"But-" Lexa sniffled only to have Clarke cut her off.

"No. I am yours." Clarke moved closer on the bed and caressed Lexa's cheek. The still crying alpha actually found a pause from the tears for a moment out of sheer perplexed confusion when her mate gently forced her to open her mouth and drop her jaw. It began to make more sense when Clarke pressed her mating scar against Lexa's lips, nestling the indented and raised skin against Lexa's teeth. "I am all yours. And you? You are all mine. Mine, no one else's, mine." Clarke placed her teeth on her bite mark that Lexa still and would always wear.

The two wrapped their arms around each other, clinging together tightly. Clarke could feel the warm tears hitting her shoulder as they still fell. It broke her heart each time. Every drop tore away at the frayed edges of her worn heart, but she refused to let go. In fact, Clarke bit into the flesh between her teeth. It wasn't a hard bite, never anything close to enough that would break the skin, that would only mar an already imperfect mark. To mar it would defeat the point entirely, loosen the ironclad claim she was reminding Lexa that they had over each other.

It was a long time. But Clarke finally chose to speak up when she felt the last of Lexa's tears fall and run all the way down the back of her neck. "Nothing will ever change that you are my mate, the woman I love. Your scent is my favorite, easily, above all else, and I love it even more now that I have started my rut. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I scared you, that you thought that you could potentially lose me. But that isn't going to happen."

"I love you." Lexa sniffled and held tighter to Clarke.

"I love you too." Clarke squeezed back.

"I… uugh, do, do you want to have a slice of pizza? Now that it is cold, and probably even more disgusting?" Lexa teased to help herself subdue her lingering anxious fears.

"Yeah, I'd love to see you eat those words, might even be my second favorite thing I got to see you eat today."

"You nasty alpha." Lexa finally got a pure laugh, one not laced with immeasurable fear which refused to abate under any circumstances whatsoever.

"Yeah, yeah. Here." Clarke snagged a plate and a singular slice for Lexa, passing it off. "Now eat up, and do it all sexy like. I wanna watch." Clarke couldn't contain her snickers at the ridiculousness of her own words.

"Yeah yeah. My alpha is a horny stud and all." Lexa smiled despite looking and feeling like a complete wreck.

"Guilty as charged, now eat! That is the perfect piece, it has some chicken and broccoli all on the tip right there." Clarke watched intently as Lexa slid the tip of pizza to the edge of the plate and then raised them both to her mouth to take what was at first a measly timid bite, but when she heard Clarke growling playfully in protest she readjusted to a much larger and appropriate sized bite. She took a long moment to chew, experience all the flavors. She also to Clarke's chagrin was entirely stone-faced the whole time. She gave away nothing! "So! So! How do you like it!?" Clarke patted her hands on the bed, ravenous for an answer.

Lexa finally cracked an amused smile. "It's pretty damn good."

"I told you!" Clarke erupted in a gleeful cheer.

"Look, I'm not saying it is my go-to order from now on, but it's pretty good."

"Good now put it down." Clarke instructed.

Lexa raised the plate defensive. "No! Mine! I want it!"

"Put it down." Clarke cracked a smile and growled the order.

Lexa relented, plopping her plate down next to her.

"Good girl! Now for your reward!" Clarke lept at Lexa, tackling her and kissing her ravenously, needing to show her love to her mate now that she had calmed.

End of Chapter 59

By the way! Wanna talk with more the 100/ clexa fans? Hang and chat in a safe space with other LGBTQ+ folk? I recently made a discord server, you are welcome to join! It's free, and just a place I hope people can chat and feel safe! Link for the server on my tumblr: hopefulbadgerjunara

Chapter Text

Chapter 60

Emerging from a four to seven pm furious and rabid writing session accompanied by only her stack of heinous heinous nutrition bars and an intermittently gurgling water cooler Costia once demanded she kept in there for just such occasions. Once upon a time, these days were a regular occurrence. Back then she would be interrupted with an omega forcing a warm meal upon her. Always something that had been returned by a customer and which would have been destined for a garbage can otherwise. Costia always found such wastes abhorrent and her boss never seemed to mind as long as Lexa signed his copies of her books. On occasion, when Clarke would come home to Lexa being nowhere in the open living room kitchen area nor in their room, she even had her own version of this. The first couple dishes Clarke brought were more than enough for Lexa to request the tar-like substance no longer be delivered. But even today Clarke barged in with a small series of kisses only to be reminded that they both had a minor mountain of work to complete before they could move on to anything else more fun. Nutrition bar wrappers covered the floors around her desk chair. She might have been impeccable clean in each and every other corner of the home, but her office was hers to dirty up however she needed while she wrote.

Lexa's legs were weary in each step. The only time she had so much as stood was for bathroom breaks, and those barely even required seven steps. The apartment's layout was odd but it was also a not-insignificant portion of what she liked about it. The bathroom connected her room and study in the space where the hallway that lead to them would normally extend into nothing. It allowed for her to get up without ever really feeling distracted or like anything would interfere with her plans to finish a chapter or a paragraph. Despite her legs feeling like they had atrophied Lexa forced herself to stumble out of her office on weary legs. It had been a whole day, and she needed something, anything other than damn luna and cliff bars, the combination was beginning to feel like a painful trudge through a granola biased hell. In addition to the granola hell, Lexa was also sure that her mate might need sustenance as well. Lexa was more than aware of how an alpha in her rut might be easily distracted with everything else going on that she might forget to eat. Clarke was almost assuredly no exception. And given that Clarke didn't have such a stash of dubiously nutritious granola covered in thin chalky chocolate, she wouldn't even have a reserve set of food to fall back on and remind her to eat.

Clarke in all her freshly minted alpha glory had planted herself on one arm of the couch; a couch which Raven and Octavia swore never to sit on or fool around ever again after they went to leave their room for a mid-morning snack to see Clarke fully absorbed in humping the Couch's arm with a text and notebook set out in front of her. The two stealthily retreated before Clarke even noticed they were there with terrified yet understanding looks. Not that Clarke would have actually noticed, even if the two had gone so far as to start cooking their lunch right next to her. Even if Clarke had noticed, it would have been even less likely that she would have been able to control herself enough to stop. The alpha's body burned in the delicious ache of a rut, and she loved how every roll of her hips made her feel so much more herself; even if it made studying so much slower.

The already rutting alpha still didn't notice as her mate entered the room, she was far too preoccupied with trying to focus on the book in front of her. Her working hours today had started ever so slightly after Lexa's but she was already so weary from overworking herself and mindlessly rutting against the arm of the couch that her eyes were beginning to unintentionally cross and her vision had already become blurry to the point that if she wasn't straining terribly the words in her notebook became no more than a grey gradient blob.

"Psst, hey there." Lexa tried for the third time to garner Clarke's attention. It was probably for the best that Clarke missed the first two, after all, they were less than tasteful don't get stuck and if you get your knot stuck in the spring of my couch I'm not gonna help jokes.

"W… wha?" Clarke's weary eyes lifted from the blurry pages.

"God, you look a little like hell." Lexa winced.

"Oh? Well, you look great too, thanks baby."

"A long day's work takes its toll on an alpha I guess." Lexa rested a hand on each of Clarke's shoulders, gently massaging out the tension that had built there from being perched awkwardly on the couch almost all day long.

"Ohh, lord that feels so much better." Clarke moaned softly.

"I know, I know." Lexa took a sullen pause. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insult. Just, you need some rest. Ok?"

"I know, but it isn't like I have much of an option to get any, or like my cock-" Clarke purred at the sheer fact that she could say such a thing and only barely be exaggerating. "Like my cock would ever let me."

"It will if I help you out later." Lexa leaned over Clarke and kissed her forehead.

"Yeah, but you are working today too. And I don't want you to feel like you need to interrupt that to help me with my rut." Clarke sighed.

"Aww poor baby. I didn't mean that we couldn't play at all today when I shoo you away earlier. I just meant that I didn't want to fool around until we were ready."

"I don't know that I will ever be ready." Clarke collapsed onto her side, plopping down on the couch. "This class is kicking my ass and I just can't get it! Why is any more than gen ed history required for an art major? Moreover, why didn't I take it years ago!"

"I believe in you love. You can do it." Lexa leaned down to hug Clarke. "You can do it, but you need to take a break."

"Isn't that what I have been telling you all day?" Clarke looked up overly smug.

"Yeah, yeah. But now we have really earned it. We have both been working all day long, hell, you have been going crazy working all weekend."

"I have been studying and completing backdated work. If I don't I'm gonna fail."

"I know, I know. Just breathe baby. You can do it. I believe in you."

"I'm just so tired." Clarke nearly broke down and began to cry.

"Ok, ok love. It's time to get up from the couch. Before you ruin its leather finish." Lexa half chuckled in an effort to lighten the conversation.

"I'm sorry. I just… I came out here because our bed smells like you and my old heat. I can't fucking focus in that room. But then I came out here and it still ached, just as long as I touched it I could still focus. And! And! And!" Clarke worked herself up worse and worse, shame and generalized anxiety building to get the better of her

"Hey, shh, shh, shh." Lexa wrapped her arms around her alpha, squeezing her tight. "It's ok, I understand. The leather is soft right?"

"Yeah." Clarke whimpered.

"I figured." Lexa whispered more soft shushes into her mate's ear as she stroked fingers through Clarke's mussed hair, straightening it slightly and pulling out a knot or two without being harsh about it.

"I'm sorry, you did tell me not to fuck your couch, just I-"

"It is ok. Just breathe, breathe and follow me, I know just what you need." Lexa ushered Clarke off of the bed. "Two days of a rut really takes it out of you huh?"

"Yeah… a little."

"It's ok. I can feel mine coming on soon."

"Really?"

"Yeah, and when we are cycling together things will be a little more relieving."

"You sure?"

"Yes, I am. Making your mate cum while you are both on your cycles feels almost better than just cumming yourself." Lexa offered, guiding her weary alpha back down the hallway towards their room.

"Woah baby! I! I can't go back into our room, it will drive me nuts."

"I have a plan for you." Lexa kissed Clarke's cheek.

"What's the plan?" Clarke griped almost too tired to protest in any way at all.

"I am gonna set you up in bed with a toy, a nice one, one for alphas, the one I used while I was in my rut alone."

"Oh god… I… I left you to rut alone." Clarke was so tired and weary, her mind easily slipped into beating herself down for past mistakes.

"Shh, it is all ok." Lexa opened her door for Clarke.

"I'm sorry."

"Here, lay down in bed, I will grab you my toy from my office." Lexa brought her mate to their bed and then sat her down.

"Ok baby." Clarke's eyelids fluttered down, a crule taunt her body was playing on her that made her momentarily think she could actually garner any sleep. Cruel or not, it was still immensely better than the idea of having to endure another heat ever again for the rest of her life.

"Be right back."

"Yeah." Clarke sighed, laying down and rolling over. Her nose quickly found Lexa's pillow. She pulled it close, burying her nose into it, she felt her cock burn painfully. It hurt, but it was beautiful too. Her hips grinded against the bed, it was nowhere near enough, but it was something. Breaths grew heavier, the scent of Lexa filled her nose. Fuck it was heavenly. Lexa had cum while her head was resting on this pillow just last night! "Ohh! Such a good girl, came for me so good." Clarke half snarled into Lexa's pillow, her hips bucking faster.

"Well, I guess I did, didn't I?" Lexa snickered as she reentered the room.

"Fuck! Uugh! Fuck I wanna cum in my good alpha so bad!"

"I bet you do sweetheart, I bet you do. But I also bet you are hungry."

"Oh fuck, I haven't eaten all day!?" Clarke realized. "Fuck that is probably why my vision was getting blurry and my headache was getting worse."

"I am certainly positive it didn't help." Lexa sighed before urging Clarke to roll over onto her back.

"Hmm? What?"

"Here." Lexa took her fleshlight and licked at the entrance, letting her tongue stay inside it for a moment to warm the cyberskin material.

"Oh fuck its sexy watching you lick that fake pussy like that." Clarke moaned, her hand slipping down to her oversensitive clit cock.

"I am trying to warm it for you." Lexa slurred, her tongue still sticking inside the toy.

"Well, you could just use your tongue."

"No, I have to make us dinner." Lexa corrected, pulling up a small bottle of lube. "Here, it won't be toasty or body temp yet, but this is a nice warming lube, I tend to only use it on special occasions." Lexa dribbled just enough into the folds of the fleshlight that formed its entrance. "Breathe in and relax, this might feel weirdly nice at first."

"Ok." Clarke did her best, but probably just ended up tensing up more than she was before.

Lexa leaned over the bed, taking Clarke's cock in one hand and the fleshlight in the other. "You ready?"

"God! Yes! Please!" Clarke cried out.

"Good girl." Lexa turned the toy over and slipped it onto Clarke's cock slowly. Clarke cried out in pleasure, her hips rising to meet the toy. "That's it, I swapped the sleeve out for the extra tight one, so that should be pretty good for you."

Clarke growled pleased.

"I'm gonna let you have your fun while I make some dinner. I'll be back with food soon. Something quick and tasty."

"Ohh fuck yes." Clarke groaned.

"Good girl, I'm glad you enjoy." Lexa smiled and crept away slowly.

The alpha could feel her rut rushing on quicker and quicker each moment as she cooked. Seeing her mate fighting so desperately to get herself off like that certainly riled up her alpha and hastened her rut. Her clothes felt tight, her skin heated, and her core twisted in a distracting yearning constantly enough to keep her mate on her mind all through the cooking of dinner. She nearly burned her pasta three times over. Pasta of all things! How the hell do you burn pasta!? As it turns out, the way to burn pasta is by finishing it in a cheese sauce and forgetting to stir because you are growing hard as a rock. However, she seemed to be able to save her meal, plating up all but the most charred bits and bringing the two plates back with her. She had also stuck three or four water bottles under her arms, with both of their ruts going in full swing now, nothing would pry them from that bed till morning at least. It took a fair amount of finagling to get the door open given that she was holding two full plates and a multitude water bottles, and silverware for them both, but she was capable of doing it, and eventually she did succeed. When she finally stumbled into the room, her eyes quickly fell upon the glorious sight of Clarke panting on edge, fleshlight pumping desperately in her hand against irregularly bucking hips.

"Fuck! Fuck! So close!" Clarke whined.

"Aww, poor baby alpha having a hard time getting off?"

Clarke snarled. "God, it hurts! I wanna cum so hard!"

"I'm sure you do baby. But you need to eat."

"Don't care! Not hungry! Just horny!" Clarke panted out.

"That is the issue. You are so wrapped up in your rut that you are ignoring your needs to eat and drink."

Clarke growled lowly, fighting harder with her own body and the fleshling in a striving effort to finally climax. "Lexa! Help!"

Lexa snarled lowly, her rut finally arriving and giving her back enough strength to strike some fear into Clarke's budding alpha.

"Ohh just like that! God that was so sexy."

"No. You are done fucking the toy now. You are going to sit up, lay against the head of the bed and eat with me, rehydrate, and then we are gonna fuck the living daylight out of each other! Do you understand?" Lexa ordered.

Clarke yelped before moaning into the dominant tone. Alpha or omega, Lexa knew how to get Clarke to submit to her. She obeyed but whined a complaining tone at the sensation of pulling the toy away. "Lexa! Please! It is all achy!"

"I'm sure it is. You don't even want to know how desperately I wanna fuck you into that bed hard enough to break my mattress. But you need sustenance, need to eat to be healthy alpha" Lexa traded Clarke a plate for the toy.

"You are no fun today." Clarke pouted.

"No, I am just concerned for my mate today. You would do the same for me, wouldn't you?"

Clarke grumbled under her breath.

"What would you do if I was rutting and hadn't eaten all day?"

"I would force you to eat and then take care of all your aches for you." Clarke pouted.

"Exactly. Now, eat up. It's got carbs and protein, everything a rutting alpha needs to keep her strength up."

Clarke's eyes continued protesting, but she yielded. The moment she began to taste at her meal her hunger returned. She finally realized she was ravenous, starving the whole day and after all that, she was finally ready to scarf down her whole meal in what seemed like three bites.

"See? Isn't that better?" Lexa found a spot and layed back in bed, resting her legs over Clarke's.

"Didn't know. Was so hungry." Clarke huffed between mouthfuls of pasta.

"I know baby." Lexa took a bite from her plate with much more patience. Almost as soon as Clarke had finished her plate, Lexa sat hers down on the nightstand, taking a quiet moment to hug her mate. "I love you."

"I love you too baby." Clarke half brushed off as she began to lick up the remaining sauce from her plate.

"Well, It's a damn shame that you hated it."

"I didn't hate it baby." Clarke's head popped up from her plate. "I thought it was great."

"Aww, poor alpha too caught up in her rut to catch my sarcasm?" Lexa teased, licking her thumb and using it to clean off some sauce that had splattered onto Clarke's cheek in all of her hurt.

"Oh. Sorry." Clarke blushed.

"No, no, nothing to be sorry for. You are perfect love. I was just teasing." Lexa cleaned her messy alpha's face further with one of the napkins she had brought.

"Thanks." Clarke sighed.

"Still hungry huh?"

"I just realized I hadn't eaten all day till that."

"I understand, the first rut can be distracting."

"Well, it is way better than my first heat. I was too sick to even attempt to eat anything. My body just kept trying to revolt on me for not taking out a mate. At least this is kinda fun."

"Well, I'm glad you enjoy." Lexa held tighter. She hadn't realized it so much until she was clinging to her mate, but her day had been long and rough too. Lexa's rut had been hanging over her somewhat impending all weekend, and after hours and hours of writing and reviewing things of her lost omega, her fallen wife? She needed all the time she could get with her arms wrapped around her strong alpha.

"You ok?" Clarke was significantly more observant now that she wasn't actively fucking a couch or a fleshlight or scarfing down food like her life depended on it.

"Yeah, yeah! Yeah. Yeah?" Lexa's assurances were less and less assuring each time she tried to reinforce a lacking first attempt.

"What's wrong." Clarke exaggerated a pout.

"Nothing."

"Bad girl!"

"What!? I'm not bad! I cooked you dinner!" Lexa defended.

"That was nice, but nope! Nope, good girls don't lie to their alpha. Only bad girls do that." Clarke pressed.

"I! I didn't lie!"

"Worse! My alpha is a liar!" Clarke huffed a performance of disbelief.

"I!" Lexa sighed disheartened.

Clarke wrapped her arms around Lexa before her alpha could pull away. "Spill, what's wrong."

"You know I'm writing about Costia." Lexa's voice was softer than usual; scared.

"Yes." Clarke nodded and pulled Lexa closer in order to breathe her mate's scent of growing rut in.

"Well, its… You know. I…" Lexa dodged around answering any portion of Clarke's questions in earnest.

"Shh, it's ok. Talk to me." Clarke nuzzled and kissed softly.

"It is hard… hard to go through all of her things. To not have her here. To have feared I would lose you too." Lexa's voice trembled. "It's just all been getting to me."

"No, that won't happen. That won't ever happen." Clarke wrapped Lexa up in her arms and legs. "You are mine. I won't ever let you go." Clarke whispered the assurance softly before placing tender kisses at Lexa's neck.

"I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't ever doubt that."

"It's ok. It is all ok sweetheart." Clarke whispered.

"Thank you." Lexa relaxed, finally beginning to let out the tension that accompanied fifteen straight hours of being perched in her chair over a computer and boxes upon boxes of old files. "You are still hungry aren't you?"

"Yeah, a little." Clarke admitted with a lighthearted laugh.

"Here, we can split mine. I've had more calories in protein bars alone today for all weekend."

"You sure."

"Yeah, I'm sure." Lexa nodded, grabbing her plate and offering it to share.

Clarke eagerly scooped up some before slowing herself intentionally. The act of Lexa's kindness wouldn't maintain its essence as a nice somewhat romantic meal if Clarke kept porking it all down like it was the last meal on earth, and she knew it. At some point, nearing the end they stumbled upon quite the lady and the tramp situation. It may have been somewhat staged, or entirely staged. But it was still incredibly sweet and concluded in a passionate kiss. Lexa unceremoniously tossed the plate off to the side. It clattered somewhere on the ground while Lexa and Clarke had already ended up completely horizontal. The alphas groped greedily at each other. What clothes they had left got tossed in every direction and the two began rolling back and forth, fighting for dominance against the other alpha. It was an adorable scene filled with a soft loving care. Kisses were the only interruption to growling, groping and grinding. Both of them were hard, rocking their hips up against the other so that their cock could feel even the slightest sense of friction against their aching flesh.

"Fuck you feel good." Clarke panted into Lexa.

"You do too." Lexa rolled her hips faster.

"I want you."

"How do you want me?" Lexa raised an eyebrow intrigued.

"I wanna fuck your beautiful pussy, to feel you cum around me." Clarke growled without much of a real plan.

"That could be arranged." Lexa smiled and grabbed her toy once more.

Clarke groaned disheartened. "No, I wanna fuck you. You could blow me again?"

"No no love. This isn't for you, it's for me. I'll probably lose my mind if you make me cum or knot without anything to stick it into." Lexa kissed Clarke before the new alpha could ask any questions.

"Wait… what are you?" Clarke's jaw dropped dramatically when Lexa spread her legs and offered herself up so openly.

"I am asking my alpha to fuck me. To fill me up. Not just with a toy this time."

"Ohh fuck."

"That is the point. Now come on baby."

"Do I just?" Clarke timidly grabbed at herself and considered how to go about it all.

"You line it up and you fuck me, and then I am gonna fuck my toy because my cock is aching something awful."

"God, I like this idea." Clarke moaned out. Her hands grabbed possessively at Lexa's hips, she grabbed and pulled them closer, forcing her mate to a point where she could easily slide inside of her.

"Please, I need my alpha." Lexa played up her ache, but only slightly as she slipped one hand down between her legs and fingered herself slowly and gently. "I need to feel my alpha's cock inside me." She pulled her finger back out and spread her labia for Clarke.

The alpha new to rutting had no control at that point. To watch on as her mate presented and even spread herself? Lord knows even the strongest of alphas would have barely been able to handle such an occurrence. Clarke bucked up, her core flush against Lexa's. "Fuck, you feel so good!" Clarke's mind half melted as her jaw dropped and slackened in pleasure as she rocked her hips up and back in a slow motion.

Lexa hummed softly and layed back. Clarke was much smaller biologically than her strap, but this too had its highlights. Clarke may have been relatively small, but she still knew how to rock her hips just right, and Lexa knew her body wouldn't have the same stretch she normally did outside of her rut. The combination of her rut tensed core being parted by her mate and the toy sliding on and off of her cock was more than enough to send Lexa into a delightful little pleasure spiral. The tension of her seemingly endless day chipped off in sizeable chunks as Clarke picked up her pace and took over control of the fleshlight for her.

"I can handle this, you just enjoy. I'm gonna make my alpha feel so good." Clarke swatted Lexa's hand away and ushered for the alpha to just lay back and enjoy herself. "I've got you baby. Just relax yourself and breathe. I want you to cum so good that you pass out from being so satisfied." Clarke growled overly confident with herself.

"You wanna fuck me to sleep?" Lexa almost laughed but got distracted by Clarke moving the toy faster at her cock.

Clarke growled. "I'm not used to this yet."

"I know, I'm sorry." Lexa panted out in between moans.

"So good. Relaxing for me."

"Yours. Your good girl."

"Mine! Such a good girl!" Clarke cheered.

"All yours." One of Lexa's hands gripped at the pillow under her hand in pleasure and the other curled its fingers around Clarke's hand. "I'm all yours and you are making me feel so good my alpha."

"You look so good like that, your chest heaving in the moans I am giving you. God, you are so fucking beautiful." Clarke growled and began moving just as fast as she could. She eyed and watched in joy as Lexa's body reacted for her, meeting the pace she had set and clearly building closer to a crescendo.

"Clarke! Slow down or else I'm gonna!"

"No, no you aren't. My good girl is gonna hold it for me." Clarke interlocked her fingers with Lexa's.

"Fuck! I don't think I can!" Lexa strained to hold her climax in.

"Remember how good you were for me a while ago? When I had you so denied you got hard even without your rut?" Clarke gave some small mercy by slowing her strokes.

"Fuck! Clarke! Please! I need to cum!"

"Aww, poor girl. So desperate to release?"

"Clarke!" Lexa screamed impatient.

"Don't you want to cum with me? I'm getting close." Clarke dangled the carrot.

"Goddamnit! Clarke! Fuck! Cum faster then!" Lexa writhed pained.

"With this view? How could I not?" Clarke panted low, feeling Lexa clamp down on her and drive her closer.

"Fuck! Please! I don't think I can h-" Lexa's voice broke.

"Yeah! Yes! That's it! Cum for me!" Clarke bucked in harder, feeling herself on the precipice.

Lexa erupted, bucking up into the toy and clamping down on Clarke. Her eyes rolled back and she lost all sense of the world and her surroundings save for the alpha at her entrance. Her knot popped, and even though it wasn't inside her mate, there was no searing pain. The combination of having the toy sheath her and the odor of her mate so close was enough to save her from any pain. There was only pleasure, the pure release of cumming for her alpha, of feeling good and having her mate to hold her close as her orgasm ebbed.

Clarke panted heavily, her clit cock tingled, buzzing in such stunning stimulation saturating straight through it. And the feeling of getting to watch her alpha cum at her demands? Clarke had never witnessed something so beautiful or something that filled her veins with such pure happiness. She left herself inside Lexa as she collapsed on top of her mate.

The world finally began to slip back into Lexa's purview with the sensation of Clarke's lackadaisical kisses at her neck and soft loving praise. "I love you so much. You did so good. My perfect little alpha."

"Yours." Lexa echoed exhausted.

"Good girl. Now night night. We can wake and work tomorrow. But I love you and we both need a rest."

Lexa groaned in approval. "Yeah. Sounds good love." She melted into the bed and her eyes closed slowly, giving into her mate and the peace of sleep.

End of Chapter 60

By the way! Wanna talk with more the 100/ clexa fans? Hang and chat in a safe space with other LGBTQ+ folk? I recently made a discord server, you are welcome to join! It's free, and just a place I hope people can chat and feel safe! Link for the server on my tumblr: hopefulbadgerjunara

Chapter Text

Chapter 61

The week of Clarke's rut continued on about as one would expect, especially after taking into consideration that Lexa was also in her rut. Needless to say, by the end of the week they really, really, really needed to wash the sheets, but for some reason, the duo kept getting distracted each and every time that they so much as approached it. The reason was the potent cocktail of alpha pheromones that could make even a mated omega swoon. In fact, it did. By the end of the week, Raven was beginning to think that the two alphas had begun an effort of biological warfare on her, a thought that certainly had absolutely nothing to do with her hypersensitive pregnancy nose; nope, absolutely nothing at all to do with her hypersensitive pregnant omega nose. As close to biological warfare as it felt, there was something about it that made the home feel safer even if each day she found the scent driving her further up a wall of arousal that Octavia was always more than eager to soothe in each and every way she could.

"Lexa?" Clarke woke after the seventh night of extremely satisfying rut sleep. Her dynamic had been delighted each night at the wondrous opportunity to rut and rock her cock up against her mate all night long. This morning was slightly different, however. It wasn't the first time since her rut had started, but that didn't take the slight sting out of it when she turned over in search of her alpha to kiss and cuddle groggily as she slowly woke. Lexa was not there. The bed was still warm next to her and Lexa's scent still coated the sheets and her pillow; although after all that the two had done over the past week, it was entirely unlikely that the sheets would ever lose that odor. "Baby?" Her voice cracked dry in a light dehydration. Not only had she cum out a decent amount of water since she and Lexa originally adjourned to their bed the previous night, but also beforehand she hadn't been quite as on top of hydration as she should have been in her alpha impatience and rush to study all the chapters she had to review before exams started. "Lexa." Her voice cracked again as she grabbed at empty ruffles in the comforter, hoping against any and all common sense that Lexa could potentially be hiding in between or under them. There was no Lexa to be found in between the sheets or under the covers however. Clarke knew where her mate had been lured off to tho. Lexa had grown anxious through the week, splitting her time almost seventy thirty between the two sirens calls of her life; writing and her mate. Sadly for Clarke's sake, she seemed to be getting the thirty percent side this morning.

Clarke's clit was still sporting a tent in her pajamas as she stumbled out of bed and across the hallway to where she could already hear Lexa's furious typing chattering away. She held to the doorknob for a short second before slowly slipping it clockwise and cracking it just enough to peer through. Beyond the crack, Clarke watched as Lexa's hand ran anxiously through already messy hair, her elbows planted on the desk as she took a moment's breath and rubbed her strained eyes. The alpha's breath was so heavy and belabored that Clarke could hear it's weight. But then she saw the real reason Lexa was rubbing her eyes. Although the alpha was probably experiencing some horrible amount of eyestrain, that wasn't the cause; she was crying. Clarke's heart broke. No wonder Lexa's breaths had been so weighty. Clarke clutched to the doorknob harder and harder as she watched Lexa's tears come faster.

The alpha's shoulders fell in painful shutters with her subdued to silence sobs. Lexa was under the impression that Clarke was still sleeping just a hallway away, so she covered her mouth, doing her best to make no noise even in mourning. She felt like it had been such a long time, years even since she had last wept over Costia, especially since she had wept so hard. She knew what was bringing it back up, but that didn't mean it was easier to reconcile the feelings of weakness that accompanied breaking down into tears over something years past. She strived to refocus, to suppress her own emotions and return her fingers to the home keys, but every time they landed and her eyes attempted to decipher her screen once more she found it was just blurry all over again in the watery sting of yet another tear too many forming against her will. Her heart sank, maybe it would be best to give up for the morning? Just return to bed and hold Clarke and get back to writing later in the day? There were no due dates, no editor demanding a first copy by Monday, so why push herself to the point of breaking down in tears, to losing time with her mate during her first true rut. She quickly grew angry with herself, how could she be ignoring her mate at such an important time! When Clarke needed her most, she would just leave the alpha alone in bed to wake up and have her heartbreak when she was no longer there?! How could she do that to Clarke!

Huffing once more, Lexa slammed her hand down on the desk in front of her and popped her legs out from under herself, jumping to her feet and turning to see Clarke just as she wiped another set of tears off of her face. "I! Clarke?"

"Are you ok love?" Clarke's voice pained, timid, and scared now that she saw the tears on her mate's face just in front of her.

"Yeah! I! Oh! Yes! I'm perfectly ok!" Lexa's overly reassuring tone felt fake even though it was entirely authentic.

"Are you sure?" Clarke gave Lexa another chance under the impression that Lexa had been lying right through her teeth.

"Yes, I am." Lexa tried again calmer. "I just got a little caught up in my work, and then I felt a little guilty at the thought of you waking up alone."

Clarke lost her breath snapping back to that first moment of alpha fear that struck when she woke without her mate next to her. "Oh, well, I am up. And it isn't a big deal."

"Yes, yes it is. I know the feeling of waking up in a rut and having your mate already gone from the bed." Lexa stepped in closer hesitant of upsetting her alpha.

"It's ok baby, you had work to do." Clarke struck a nonchalant look and scratched at the back of her head in an effort to make it seem like it didn't affect her whatsoever.

"But this is an important week for you. It's my alpha's first real rut." Lexa gave a soft smile and closed the last meter of distance between them.

"I love you." Clarke actually relaxed. "Are you really ok?"

"Yes, yes I am. The only thing I am worried about is you." Lexa nuzzled softly and began to kiss at Clarke's neck.

Clarke purred and offered up her neck more. "Oh! Hey love."

"Hey." Lexa tested seductively. "You ok?" Her kisses hastened.

Clarke growled lowly and an evil idea brewed in her mind, something she would never have thought of before her new hormones, but suddenly it seemed like something she had to do. Her clit burned and ached, but she knew as wonderful an idea as it was that was growing in her as an urge she knew that it would be best to ask consent first. "Are you ok with me getting a little rough for a sec?"

"How rough?" Lexa contested a low teasing growl.

"Pretty rough." Clarke gritted her teeth in a strained effort to hold herself back.

"I think I would like that." Lexa whispered and licked up Clarke's neck.

Clarke immediately grabbed roughly at Lexa's arms, throwing her hard against the wall behind her. "Mine!" Clarke denoted gruffly.

"Yours! Fuck! All yours!" Lexa panted, feeling her cock stir backup for her mate.

"That's a girl." Clarke pushed her harder against the wall and found her hips grinding against Lexa's thigh. "And you feel so good up against me too."

"Fucking Christ." Lexa moaned, her erection shooting up and hardening quickly for Clarke.

"Aww hard already?" Clarke's hand slipped down to Lexa's erection to massage it slowly.

"Yes." Lexa admitted in a whimper. "Fuck, god that feels good."

"That's my girl." Clarke nipped at Lexa's neck and hastened her hand and hips.

"Clarke!" Lexa gasped in pleasure, attempting to catch her breath as her hips fought for more friction only to be thrown back against the wall behind her once again.

"Mine." Clarke demanded again before biting and pulling deductively at Lexa's ear.

Lexa's head clunked back against the wall behind her as she layed back and allowed herself to enjoy her mate slowly caressing her cock and grinding up against her.

"Feel good?"

"Very good!" Lexa shuttered in pleasure.

"Wanna cum for your alpha?"

"Oh fuck yes. I, but I'm not ready yet." Lexa whimpered embarrassed.

"You will be in just a moment." Clarke warned seductively.

"I will?"

"As long as you are a good girl and you don't move." Clarke shrugged before kissing down Lexa's chest slowly and undoing her zipper.

"I will." Lexa moaned approvingly. Her hand raised to assist and guide Clarke but the alpha grabbed it and pinned it back down to the wall without even a glance.

"No! Bad girl! You don't move. You stay just how you are, pressed up against the wall for your alpha."

"Fuck! Clarke, I don't have that type of -"

"You are gonna be good and I am gonna suck this." Clarke stroked slowly up and down Lexa. "Until you cum for me like a good girl."

"Y! Yes my alpha!" Lexa swallowed her pride and protests.

"Good." Clarke praised then slipped Lexa's pants and panties down the rest of the way. The alpha with an already ebbing rut quickly sunk down to her knees, kissing at and around Lexa's proud erection.

"Baby!" Lexa whined and fought to keep her hips back.

"Shh, the only things I want to hear from you are moans and panting." Clarke ordered before tilting her head to one side while stroking teasingly up and down Lexa's length. "Maybe some whimpers too?"

Lexa nodded and whimpered as a response.

"You are such a good girl, aren't you?" Clarke cooed prideful of her obedient alpha before taking Lexa into her mouth. She moaned pleased, it had been a while since she had taken Lexa the same way she did on their first night together. Her alpha tasted even better than she remembered. Something Clarke figured was quite the feat considering that the last time she had done such a thing she was in the midst of a heat. Either way, she also figured it was about time to return the favor given that Lexa had been more than diligent in the same department when it came to her over the past week.

Lexa whined louder, finding the task of staying still to be beyond deceptively simple while Clarke was bobbing up and down on her length. The alpha's eyes rolled back as Clarke thrust her hips back against the wall just to follow along with her mouth and take it into her throat with an admirable gusto.

Clarke, ever the alpha egotist grew prouder with each increasing moan her alpha made and every single small fidget of frustration at not being allowed to move. It even cheered her on further, encouraging her to suck harder and consume deeper. Teasing her teeth along Lexa's base she swirled her tongue around the rest of her length, all the while knowing that it would be but only a moment longer before Lexa released for her. These suspicions were further confirmed when Lexa's breath hitched and her muscles tensed harder in an effort to keep holding herself back. Clarke growled low, an alpha approving growl consenting to the question she knew was growing in Lexa's mind. Her growl was just enough consent to Lexa cumming in her mouth for the panting alpha holding her climax back desperate to release.

She buckled over moments after her pleasure came spilling out into and filling up Clarke's mouth. Panting Lexa strived to collect herself once more, but instead, she just found herself sliding down the wall to be on the floor with her mate.

"That's my good girl." Clarke gulped Lexa's mess down then kissed her mate.

"Yours, all yours." Lexa agreed.

"Feeling better?" Clarke caressed Lexa's cheek.

"I told you, I am just fine." Lexa rebuffed.

"My alpha was crying, do I not get to be concerned?"

"You do, but not after I tell you that I am perfectly fine."

"You were crying." Clarke pressed, resting her forehead against Lexa's.

"It's fine."

"I'm an alpha. It is my job to worry about my mate."

"I can tell." Lexa teased with a deadpan and unpleasant expression.

Clarke huffed lowly and then nuzzled at her mate. "Maybe I could read it? Maybe I could help in some way?"

"I would say no, but given that you snuck into my office and stole my last one… I think that I could budge this time. But not today, not until after you graduate."

"What?!"

"You have so much work to do, you have been working just as hard as I have, if not more, and your work hasn't been on something restorative and cathartic like writing. It has been on studying for the most part. I'm not giving you anything more to worry about till you are entirely done with all your college work and you have aced all your exams."

"Well, I only have two exams, but the likelihood of me acing either of them is slim to none."

Lexa shrugged. "Eh, I know you, you'll do it."

"Thanks baby." Clarke cuddled up to her mate and held back her frustrations about not being allowed to read yet.

"Love you." Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke. "So what's on the schedule for today?"

"Other than making my alpha cum?"

"Yes other than that." Lexa feigned irritation. "But that was very nice."

"I'm glad you enjoyed." Clarke smiled prideful. "Uugh, for me though? Not much else. I have a follow up with Nyko in an hour or so; one I can not be late for!"

"Hey, we got the fuckin out of the way early, so we won't be late this time!" Lexa cheered.

Clarke dubiously hummed along in a less than confident agreement. "And then I have class after just like last week."

"Want me to drive you?"

"You don't have to."

"I want to spend more time with my mate." Lexa kissed Clarke's cheek. "Plus I have something I wanna do out by the college anyways."

"Ok." Clarke cooed, wrapping herself tightly up into Lexa. "My alpha."

"Yours." Lexa chuckled, leaning in and kissing her mate appreciative.

End of Chapter 61

By the way! Wanna talk with more the 100/ clexa fans? Hang and chat in a safe space with other LGBTQ+ folk? I recently made a discord server, you are welcome to join! It's free, and just a place I hope people can chat and feel safe! Link for the server on my tumblr: hopefulbadgerjunara

Chapter Text

Chapter 62

"Told you we wouldn't be late!"

"Yeah, yeah." Clarke rolled her eyes frustrated with being wrong but taking the loss if it meant she wasn't late for yet another appointment with Nyko.

"Well come on then." Lexa urged already halfway out of the car. "If we don't get a move on, then we might just be late like last time.

A thought flickered behind Clarke's eyes. "You go ahead of me like last time, I'll be in just a moment."

"You sure?" Lexa ducked her head down into where the car door would normally be.

"Yeah, I wanna test something."

"Wanna fill your alpha in on your plan?"

"Nah, not really." Clarke smirked.

"Ok then sweetheart, see you in a minute?" Lexa crawled halfway back inside the car to kiss Clarke on the cheek.

"Yup." Clarke quickly pecked Lexa back.

Lexa's cheeks burned brightly from the simple return of her kiss before marching off with an added pep in her step. Clarke watched as her mate nearly skipped off joyful. She waited just long enough, a minute or two after Lexa had entered the building and Clarke undid her seat belt and hopped up out of the car. Clarke made her way up and into the office to see more or less exactly what she had expected. Lexa was once again halfway through a slightly embattled common conversation concerning completing Clarke's medical forms.

"Hey! I'm here!" Clarke cheered, hopping up to the window next to Lexa.

"Yes, Ms. Griffin, I have your paperwork here for you, and I wanted to have YOU check if it was all accurate."

"I could've done it, she was just waiting in the car." Lexa muttered under her breath.

"Yup, it's all right. Lexa does know. But I appreciate your wanting to check with me." Clarke smiled wide enough to confuse Lexa.

"I told her that." Lexa sang silently, but still loud enough that her mate could feel it.

"Great, Nyko will come on out and grab you when she is ready." The receptionist answered seemingly only to Clarke.

"Thanks." Clarke smiled again politely as she and Lexa began to walk off.

"What wa-" Lexa stopped herself when she heard the woman calling out for Clarke once more.

"Oh, Ms. Griffin! One more thing!"

"Yes! Of course!" Clarke called back as both she and Lexa turned around and approached the window once more.

"Just Ms. Griffin." The receptionist's eyes pointed irritatedly at Lexa once more.

"Wha-"

"Go sit down babe. I'm perfectly safe, I promise." Clarke interrupted and kissed Lexa's cheek.

The alpha grumbled, but yielded. "Whatever." She nearly threw her hands up in her alpha rut impatience.

"Yeah, what's up?" Clarke spun around and landed her arms on the ledge of the receptionist window.

"You know-" She was interrupted.

"Sorry about her, she's had a rough morning and she is rutting, so she is a bit… you know." Clarke trailed off and shrugged.

"Oh. Well, umm." The receptionist danced around continuing for a moment. "You know, we don't often encourage mated pairs going back together. And I'm not even really supposed to let your mate… Lexa? Was it? Well, you see I'm not really supposed to let her look at your files at all. I know it's legal and all or at least it was?" She questioned herself for a moment. "But Nyko has rather strict rules against it. If you insist, she is allowed to go back with you, but I really can't go letting her fill out any files for you. Especially now; doubble especially now that it might not be legal."

"Completely understood. Thank you." Clarke nodded along.

"Thank you, that is all."

Clarke nodded back again and gave another soft smile before turning and heading back to her mate who had already snagged a seat for each of them. "All done." Clarke introed before momentarily considering sitting down in Lexa's lap but then deciding against it and ruling the idea out as a rut based mistake waiting to happen.

"What was her problem?" Lexa in all her progressive beauty was still occasionally capable of being an alpha at the end of the day; of missing the forest for the tree just an inch too close to her mate.

Clarke took a sharp preparatory inhale and sat down as close to Lexa as she could to comfort her alpha. "Welp."

"Welp what?"

"Welp, It was about you."

"What about me?" Lexa nearly snarled.

"You aren't allowed to look at my medical records anymore love."

"What?" Lexa couldn't comprehend the issue.

"The reason she was short with you the last two times was because you had been looking over my medical records and confirming them for her, but she wasn't sure if I am an omega or not."

"You are not!" Lexa snarled and stepped to get out of her chair in anger that the woman could have assumed that and potentially hurt Clarke.

"No! No." Clarke grabbed at Lexa's hand and pulled her back down. "That wasn't the issue. The issue is that because I am an alpha you can't go looking through my records anymore."

"I'm your mate, what's the difference what dynamic you are?"

"Oh sweetheart." Clarke finally realized that Lexa simply might not be aware of the intricacies of alpha vs, omega HIPAA violations.

"Just cause you are an alpha something changed? What does it matter?"

"Sweetie, it matters a lot. It is not a privacy violation to show medical histories of an omega to their alpha mate, but it is the other way around."

"What the hell? What's the difference if they are bonded?" Lexa grew angry in her confusion.

"That's just how it is. My mom worked in a hospital, so it was just something I grew up knowing because my mom complained about it."

"Well, at least she knew it was unjust."

"She only ever complained about how confusing the rules were, not that they were unjust in any way." Clarke quickly corrected.

"Oh." Lexa sighed disheartened.

"Yup."

"So she was just short with me because I checked your papers?"

"You were rather gruff about it, especially today. But that is because you are in a rut, and that can understandably make you a little overprotective."

Lexa grumbled displeased.

"It will be ok love."

"Wait, so did you know this was going on? Was that why you hung back in the car?"

"No, I hung back because I wanted to see if she would treat me differently if she saw me in a rut. And I guess I was right?" Clarke's voice rose questioning herself.

"Oh?" Lexa chuckled. "Well, all that matters is that you are ok." Lexa reached over and hugged Clarke tight enough to make a small scene and garner a glance and a glare or two.

"Clarke!" Nyko peeked her head out from behind the door to the examination room halls and called out the name.

"Yup." Clarke rose from her seat and immediately noticed Lexa did as well. "Oh, babe, I'm ok. You can stay out here."

"I! You sure?" Lexa's face shown more than a dash of confusion like she was thinking of something Clarke wasn't, but she held it back because she wasn't sure and she just wanted to be supportive of her mate one way or another.

"Yeah, I'm good." Clarke kissed Lexa's hand. "Coming, sorry!" Clarke rushed her way over to Nyko and quickly followed her back to one of the exam rooms.

"No rush." Nyko assured and held the door open for Clarke, glancing at Lexa with a look of confusion almost equal to that of the other alpha's.

"Thank you."

"So, How was the first week? Good?"

"Oh, my god. It was..." Clarke fell silent momentarily as she attempted to conjure the correct words as Nyko ushered her into the third examination room.

"Good I hope? Your scent is rather strong… I! I mean that in the best of ways!" Nyko stammered and rushed to correct herself. "Just! I mean your alpha scent is thick and all. We might actually need to adjust your dosages. Have the side effects been strong?"

"Define strong?" Clarke winced, picking a seat on the examination table and thinking back to the roughly sixty five hours she had spent grinding against any and every surface she could just for some friction against her raging erection and her eager endeavor of throwing her mate up against a wall and sucking her off till she collapsed earlier that morning.

"Uugh, anything extreme? Interfering with your normal life?"

"Uugh…" Clarke stalled, not really wanting to have her dosages lowered.

"Here, arm, gotta take your vitals."

"Oh, yeah sure." Clarke offered up her arm.

"So strong side effects I take it?"

"Not that strong. Definitely nothing compared to my old heats." Clarke brushed off.

"If your everyday life is anything near approaching being affected as much as it was during your heat, that is a big issue!" Nyko looked up concerned.

"Even if it is now during a rut? I mean, sure, I was preoccupied with some... stuff related to my rut this week, but it was way less intrusive than a heat. And not much worse than Lexa's rut either?"

"You are rutting now?" Nyko asked distractedly, her attention stolen by Clarke's peculiar vitals.

"Yeah. The instructions were to take a double dose during my normal cycle week, so that is what I did. I'm set to take another shot tonight."

"A… and you still had a rut?" Nyko almost dropped her tools along with her jaw.

"Yeah, it was great! Lexa and I had a great time. She rutted too this week, hers started a couple days after mine, but it is great to finally be synced up again."

"Wait, you took a double dose the first day, and you still hit a rut?"

"Yeah. Pretty immediately. Within half an hour or so."

"And Lexa went into her rut a couple days after?"

"Yeah, I just said that."

"Why didn't you bring her in with?"

"Why didn't I… Why didn't I what?" Clarke whimpered frustrated, her head beginning to hurt as she attempted to understand.

"Why did you tell Lexa to wait outside?"

"Well, your receptionist said bringing mates back with you was frowned upon."

"Yeah, cause I don't like alphas growling at me while I do a pap smear. But this is different, you two are mated, so your hormones will affect hers as well, so we do need to monitor Lexa as well. Maybe not as close, but what we do with you can affect her as well."

Clarke's face landed in her palms in frustration. "I thought your receptionist was trying to tell me not to bring her back anymore."

"Uugh, nope. I not only need to monitor her but on topics like this, I like to have the mate's thoughts too to make sure nothing is being left out just because it was embarrassing or something."

"Well, I feel like an idiot. That's great!"

"No, no, It's fine. I will message my assistant to send Lexa back. In the meantime." Nyko's eyes rose to inspect Clarke's.

"I take it I shouldn't have started out with the rut dosage?"

"No, no, you shouldn't have. But that is more often than not more because a biological omega's body needs time to accommodate to the change before it can take to a rut. But maybe your reaction was tied into the damage sustained from the loss of the child? Or because you hadn't had a heat in so long? I'm honestly not sure and we will certainly need to test your vitals again later." Nyko explained, slowly looking Clarke with thorough detail.

"Will everything be ok?" Clarke worried as Nyko familiarized herself with Clarke's scent glands to a rather embarrassing and uncomfortable level of detail.

"Yes, yes. It most certainly will be. It is just a matter of making sure everything is progressing well." Nyko convincingly comforted.

"Oh? That's good." Clarke sighed with just a little too much relief.

"Would you like to TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF of MY MATE!?" Lexa snarled, huffing and puffing, a part of her alpha instincts clearly demanding she attack, but something more logical won out.

"Just checking her scent glands." Nyko pulled away and raised her hands innocently.

Lexa gave a disgruntled and unpleased glare.

"It's all ok. She was just checking how the hormones affected me love." Clarke comforted and outstretched her hand to welcome Lexa to sit next to her. "Come here." She pouted. "I am sorry I had you wait outside."

"It's ok. This is something that mostly affects you, so I understand if you want to talk to Nyko in private." Lexa's words were understanding but the glare she shot at Nyko was much more threatening. "Just was confused because I figured my cycle would be relevant too; we are mated after all so our cycles will affect each other." Lexa explained her own logic as she moved in and sat next to her mate. Her eyes didn't leave Nyko for one moment as she wrapped her arms protectively around Clarke.

"I realize that now. I'm sorry." Clarke sighed and rested her head on Lexa's shoulder.

"It's ok love. You are welcome to do these appointments on your own if you want to, I just also want to talk to a professional as well about how it affects me too."

Clarke pulled tighter at Lexa feeling guilty. "I'm sorry I didn't know it was affecting you at all really."

Lexa softened. "It's not much, and it isn't anything huge. Just I had some questions." Lexa comforted, hugging Clarke close.

"Yes, please fire away with any questions you might have." Nyko offered. "And in the meantime may I check your scent glands as well?"

"Uugh yeah, sure." Lexa offered, raising her chin so her neck was better revealed.

Clarke clung closer and growled a soft declaration of ownership over her alpha.

Lexa softly ran a hand over Clarke's back. "So… is it weird if sometimes, if sometimes her scent gets to me more than I anticipated? Like, oh god, like the first day of Clarke's rut, she went to the door to grab the delivery from a pizza boy, and I had a small break down about her leaving me for the first omega in heat she sees. That and smaller things like me needing to submit occasionally. In a way, I am not very accustomed to. There isn't anything wrong with it, it is just something new."

"Yes, yes. That is all entirely normal. Not much of a surprise at all. The submission accompanies your mate finally having the scent of an alpha. Just as I'm sure Clarke still has the same feelings to you on occasion?" Nyko observed and tested at Lexa's scent glands.

"Yeah, certainly." Clarke nodded.

"And how has your cycle been outside of that Lexa?"

"I mean, mostly normal? A little stronger, but that might just be because I've had Clarke riling herself up all day while she tries to study."

"Riling yourself up?" Nyko's confused gaze diverted back to Clarke.

"Well! It was a rut! I was horny and it was new! And! I! I kinda couldn't hold myself back from kinda…"

"Fucking every surface in the apartment?"

"That." Clarke blushed.

"Please tell me if that behavior persists, especially when your rut is over, but also when your next one starts. We want you to be an alpha, not just an aching erection."

"Speaking of which!"

"Yes?" Nyko raised her head to Lexa.

"She is, bigger than I expected. Nothing-"

"Baby!" Clarke grew embarrassed quickly at this new topic.

"Yes, that is understandable, and for the best I presume?" She directed her question to Clarke.

"I'm not upset!" Clarke clarified.

"With the damage and the lack of a full heat in a long time, I am not surprised that Clarke took well to the hormones, but it is certainly something to continue monitoring."

"That's good?" Lexa half questioned her mate.

"Yeah." Clarke nodded, cuddling up to her mate.

"Did either of you have any other questions? If not, I have one more matter to address before I mark you off with a clean bill of health and a script to continue the transition."

Lexa and Clarke exchanged quick glances, confirming that neither of them had much else to ask.

"How is the sobriety going Clarke?"

"I!" Clarke's words caught on the surprise in her throat.

"I'd say we've been too busy to indulge in any vices other than sex really. But, even that hasn't been in a way that was unhealthy; especially considering that we were both rutting this week."

"Nothing at all? No slips?" Nyko checked before clarifying. "Not that a small slip would be an issue, I just want to stay on top of the issue and do my due diligence."

"Nothing." Clarke honestly answered.

"Good to hear. Again. It isn't about never again. It is just about safety."

"I know. Thanks Nyko." Clarke smiled.

"Good, good. If that is all, then I think we are done. Make sure to schedule again for a week from now, and keep track of how much alpha stuff is interfering with everyday life now that your rut will be ending soon. Other than that, I hope you two have a wonderful week."

"Thanks Nyko." Clarke hopped up and hugged the doctor.

"Thank you for not attempting to murder me this time." Nyko teased.

"Hey! I didn't hug you that hard last week!" Clarke argued.

Lexa's high pitched "Ehh" Was more than enough to disprove Clarke's argument.

"Fine. See you next week Nyko." Clarke huffed with a giggle before heading out with Lexa to schedule another appointment. This time scheduling went easier, Clarke did it on her own and received no flack nor grief as she scheduled for the same time next time the following week. Clarke and Lexa filtered out and into their car and headed off downtown. It didn't take them long to arrive at Clarke's school.

"Thanks for the ride love." Clarke leaned over and kissed Lexa's cheek.

"No problem baby." Lexa caught Clarke in a hug just before the alpha was about to pop up and out of the car. "I love you."

"I love you too." Clarke replied back quizatively. "You ok?"

"Yeah. I just wanted a snuggle with my mate before she had to run off." Lexa pulled Clarke in closer and breathed her scent in deep; taking an extra special long moment like it was the first or last time she would ever really get to breathe in the scent that meant so much to her.

Clarke looked up at Lexa and kissed her jaw. "I'm just going to class baby. Nothing crazy. I'll see you in four hours kay?"

"I know." Lexa held tighter anyway.

"What are you gonna do for the next four hours anyways?"

"Oh, this and that. Probably some shopping. If you want, I can bring you some lunch in between classes? Otherwise, I might just spend some time at the bookstore down the street. Grab a coffee and find something nice."

"That sounds really nice love, but I wanna head to my second class early, so I'm not sure I have time for a late lunch between classes. How about date night before we head home?"

"Sounds perfect love." Lexa kissed Clarke's head before letting go of the overzealous hug.

"Ok baby. See you later." Clarke grabbed her bag from the back and exited the car with a wave.

"See you sweetie." Lexa sighed and waved back at her mate as she marched off into the school building.

End of Chapter 62

By the way! Wanna talk with more the 100/ clexa fans? Hang and chat in a safe space with other LGBTQ+ folk? I recently made a discord server, you are welcome to join! It's free, and just a place I hope people can chat and feel safe! Link for the server on my tumblr: hopefulbadgerjunara

Chapter Text

Chapter 63

Lexa waited until Clarke had completely disappeared into the building before pulling the car out of park and into reverse to exit the school's parking lot. She drove slowly, taking her time through each stop light and signaling her turns well ahead of time. It earned her a fair share of angry honks, but she paid them no mind; in fact, she wasn't even vaguely phased. Instead, Lexa just continued taking her time. Beginning with just what was promised, she first attended her favorite bookstore, one she frequented rather often when she was younger but that she hadn't seen more than once a year for the past handful of years or so.

The entire staff was completely different from the last time she had been there; not that she would have really remembered given how long it had been. Whether the workers were new or not, they gave a kind but quite welcome just like she remembered. The warm welcome brought a melancholy smile to Lexa's soft features and she waived back gently while staying silent. Her footsteps swiftly guided her through a path which was once well worn from her pacing through it two, sometimes three times daily. Her dulling grin widened before dying out at a section marked 'fantasy/mythology'. It took nearly no time at all for Lexa to find something from a vaguely familiar author's name. Thumbing through the titles, Lexa struggled to remember which she already owned and which she didn't given that the mass majority of them were novels she had never read. Before long, Lexa began to skim summaries and rule out a good third of the selection. But being that she knew there were certainly more she already owned amongst the small pile of potential purchases, Lexa caved and googled the publishing years and month of release of each one until she found a singular book which had come out in the past six months. "Finally one she certainly doesn't already have." Lexa sighed in relief to have finally found an appropriate candidate. Somewhere amongst filing the books back in a more accurate and meticulous order than she had found them in, Lexa settled on finally making a list of which she already had in her library back home before she next returned.

Once each and every novel she had touched was back in its most appropriate place Lexa grabbed the purchasable candidate and wandered off to a familiar couch that the bookstore had for customers who wished to read the first chapter before they purchased. She first layed her purse two seats away from her and then took the arm seat, creating a spectacle any passerby would have almost assuredly just assumed was just a rather rude method of ensuring she wasn't interrupted by anyone. Whatever a bystander may have assumed already, they would have most likely become rather more perplexed once Lexa cracked the book open to what was most likely the last or next to last chapter. Lexa sat there for a good twenty or so minutes. By then, she was finished with the book and had decided that she was ready to purchase it.

Meandering back towards the entrance. Lexa found the front counter and purchased her novel without a single word. She then continued her streak of somewhat selective mutism as she ordered a pair of coffee at an adjoined Starbucks through an app and waited until her order's name was called.

"Half caf white chocolate mocha cappuccino and a decaf black toffee nut for Lexa?" The barista called out before returning to loafing around and awaiting another customer. Lexa politely waived off a silent thank you before nabbing her drink carrier and heading off to her car once more.

The alpha's second stop was at a flower shop she had been to only twice before. She stayed silent, shifting her way through the shop to the corner labeled roses. Once she arrived and found the white roses, Lexa anguished over whether to buy a single rose or a bouquet. Aside from any anxious eyes aside her own Lexa caved and picked a small bushel which she then again purchased with only hollow hand signs and the passing off of a credit card.

With her shopping complete, Lexa returned to her car and set the white roses down in the passenger seat next to the book she had purchased with unrivaled care. The following jaunt of her journey was the shortest yet. Really, she should have just walked, but she knew that they requested their visitors park in the correct space, and she didn't want to disobey such a simple rule of such a solemn place. Her hands were heavy when her fingers wrapped around the key and turned them counterclockwise and removed it from the ignition. Tucking her keys into her purse, Lexa was much more methodical than she normally was; her actions were slow, careful, like one performing a hallowed act or praying. This behavior became further belabored as she picked up the flowers and book, holding them both close to her chest like religious artifacts which needed to be taken care of with the utmost of care. The open fields adorned only with nonuniform slabs formed a beautiful sight on the overcast mid-May day. Lexa grabbed an umbrella just in case. If she was going to be reading in uncovered fields, she certainly wouldn't just be letting the book be ruined; but on the same note, the field could flood in a hurricane, open up in an earthquake and a volcano could begin spewing hot lava only yards away and even that wouldn't quite be enough to dissuade her until embers flickered at her feet or the waterline passed her throat.

The grassy fields were soft under bare feet; not that Lexa had forgotten shoes entirely, she had just left them in the car. The green blades crunching softly under her toes made for a calming sensation that reminded Lexa of just why she had liked it so much while she was still here. Her goal was only a small treck away, and once she arrived, she began with setting out the cappuccino out for its intended recipient on the headstone that reads. 'Costia Anne Mable. For all the kindness you brought into the world, may it be brought forth within another.'

"Hey there baby." Lexa finally spoke as her hand hit the cold granite. "It's been a while." She paused like a response might come. "Told you I'd be back in a year. Octavia said I couldn't do it. She said you would say the same thing. But it was also her who told me I needed to stop coming, so…" Lexa shrugged. "Yeah. Uugh. Don't be mad, but I got you half-caf. I know you like your full caf, and your double, triple, hell, quadruple shots and all. But that stuff just isn't healthy." Lexa began crying and caressing the top of the tombstone the notion that health had ever actually mattered to a woman who was murdered. "It's just not healthy at all. And you mattered too much to me. Speaking of which, I got you another one of those god awful books you loved. You remember, the fantasy ones, the ones I hate. I stalked that section for weeks, pretending to like them just to get you to talk to me? Then when you got me one of these for our first anniversary I said I loved it, but by then you could tell when I was lying. I remember how you broke down into tears because you really wanted to get me something I loved despite not having the money to really do it. How upset you were cause you thought you finally had it, and then it turned out to be something I hated." Lexa's tears ran faster. "I even read the last couple chapters to make sure it wasn't a sad ending. Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm an ass for ending my book the way I did. 'Life is terrible. There's no reason fiction should be too.' Well, don't you just have a way of making a fucking point? Huh baby?" Lexa forced a pained smile. "Can you believe it's been three years? Three years since I saw your beautiful face, since I got to hold you?" Lexa allowed herself to fall to a knee, gave herself the gift of pretending it was a graceful fall and not her knees giving out in grief and the heft of her sobs.

It took a good while, but eventually, Lexa calmed herself just enough to maneuver herself around to sitting against the headstone and more or less stop crying. "Too long. That's how long it's been. Too long." She sniffled and waved her hand over the short and well-manicured grass leaves; petting at the ground above her resting place. Today she would do her absolute best to honor her fallen love by enjoying all the small things Costia once valued above all else in her stead. May it be a gloomy overcast day, the feelings of fresh grass under bare feet, a bad book with an inexplicable happy ending, and even a lackadaisical lay in a park to do a whole lot of nothing; even if it wasn't quite a park, Lexa figured it was more or less semantics at that point.

"Got you your favorite flower." Lexa coughed up once more. "Yeah, yeah, I know. The poem is just about a singular white rose. But you're not my enemy." Lexa allowed a lingual lull. "Yes, I get that isn't the point! I don't care. There was no way I was gonna get you just a single white rose when you deserve the whole flower shop." Another small pause. "I don't care. I got you what YOU deserved. And there's not much you can do about it, so deal with it!" Lexa settled the argument with the woman who wasn't there. "Anyway! I know how my little omega always used to love laying in my lap and listening to me read, so…" Lexa sniffled, gathering herself and calming her weary voice as she opened the book to the first chapter. "I hope this is a good one love. I know you'd listen to me read endless texts on auteur theory just to nuzzle my lap and fall asleep to my voice, but… I want you to enjoy this one." Lexa sighed anxiously, striving to calm her worried mind. Her fingers traced the page, and she strived but failed to avoid allowing any tears to mar its pristine paper.

Lexa's voice wavered through each chapter. Every word seemed to slowly grow harder to pronounce as she continued onto the next. But that changed nothing. Even when the rain came in, Lexa simply moved Costia's coffee down next to her and used the grave as a stand for her oversized umbrella as she continued to read. It made for a beautiful accompaniment, the varied pitter-patter of rain droplets striking the umbrella and sliding off to the ground around her. Every chapter she trudged through seemed to be more of the same spectacular ridiculous scenes that Lexa never had much a taste for, but Costia adored the escapism of.

After a couple of hours, Lexa checked her phone. Realizing that she didn't have long before she would have to head back and pick Clarke up, she slowly closed the book. She left a small marker on the page from which she stopped. "I think that is a good start, huh? Seemed like your type of thing." She allowed the rain's reply to eat up the silence for a moment. "No! I did not hate it!" Rain continued to wash off of the umbrella and land all around the two. "That does not mean I hated it!" Lexa closed the book and layed it on her lap. "I am not arguing! I am not arguing! I simply don't have the time Costia!" Lexa sobbed and wiped her face clean. "I don't have the time because I have some other stuff I need to tell you about." Lexa's eyes danced around. "Well, no, it's not really 'stuff' it's more of a person. A girl." The ground around her was wet, and even in May, the day was growing rather chilly. "I can't believe I haven't been here to tell you about her already." Lexa felt like her tears were becoming more innumerable than the rain. "Yup, I met a girl. Crazy? Right?" Her messy face only further devolved as she went. "An alpha actually… Yup, you always said my ideal match would be an alpha who could finally actually order me to go to bed after a way too long sessions at the computer. Not that she's ever really had to order me to get into bed with her." Lexa laughed dryly. "God that feels wrong to tell you. Way wrong! But… I know you were worried about me finding someone. And, I believe I did make you a promise didn't I?" Lexa gripped at the soil under her. "She reminds me of you in so many ways love. God, you would love her so much that you would probably steal her from me. You two would have been best friends." Lexa wiped her face clean again in another futile attempt to fix it. "She is great. I love her so much. I… I just want to do right by her. Hopefully, one day make her as happy as you made me." Lexa's face soured momentarily as she processed what Costia might have said if she had really been there. "No, not everything is perfect. It never is. Even we had our issues. But, I love her. I really love her baby. She… She really is great. I actually have to pick her up from class soon." Lexa paused. "I am not a cradle robber! Jesus! She took a gap year and is graduating in a couple weeks! She is four years younger than me!" Lexa forced a laugh. "Yeah, yeah asshole. Whatever." Giving another small pause. Lexa allowed time for what she presumed would have been another jovial wisecrack. "You know, I actually met her through Octavia. She and I have gotten a lot closer. Somehow we all moved in together. Crazy huh? And I'm even in our old room." Lexa mourned momentarily that she no longer had Costia to share that room with. "I know you wouldn't have wanted me to seal off that end of the house, and especially not for so long. But I did what I needed to do to stay healthy. Seeing it all every day was really rather rough for a while. Clarke, Clarke though, she makes it better, makes it all a lot easier." Lexa shifted, knowing her time was running short and that she best leave soon. "I love you. You don't need to worry anymore. I made good on my promise." Tracing her fingers in the dirt and grass Lexa stalled. "And, and I have one more thing to tell you." She didn't know how to phrase what she was about to say, but it ended up being blurted out anyways. "I'm writing another book! I… I'm sorry, but I don't think this one's gonna have a happy ending either. But this time it's not my fault. I blame you baby girl. If you didn't want my books to have sad endings, then you shouldn't have gone around making this world such a better place each and every day you were here." Lexa knew if Costia were there, she would have given her quite an amount of flack for that one. "It's about you. It will be a happy story, for the most part. I promise. But in the end, I won't lie about what happened. Maybe I will just put in an afterward? Or a dedication? That way the end can be both happy and sad kinda? I don't know. I'm not quite done yet. But, I wanted you to know. I am doing everything I can to honor you baby. To honor my promise." Lexa patted the dirt by her side once more and then turned to kiss the tombstone. "I love you. I'll see you next year love." She stood wearily. "In the meantime, you will always be in my memories and my heart." Lexa placed the coffee she had ordered for no one back upon the top of the tombstone and then righted the flowers in the grave's vase. "Rest. You deserve all the rest in the world." Lexa caressed the headstone once more and then kissed it one final time. "Goodnight." Her final words were solemn and quiet. She rose the umbrella back over herself and picked up her book and her empty coffee before turning and heading off. The wet grass mushed under her feet, a final soft cold comfort Costia would have most likely adored but that made Lexa's skin crawl a little with each step. Once she returned to her car, she set out a backup towel she kept in the trunk atop the driver's seat to not ruin the finish with her wet clothes from sitting in the rain for so long. The drive back to Clarke's school was quiet and peaceful. Everyone on their way home from work had already arrived and the traffic was mostly gone. Rain seemed to do a good enough job of dissuading anyone from any Friday night excursions.

Clarke was already awaiting Lexa under an overhang when Lexa finally pulled into the parking lot. Lexa rushed to demonstrate that she had an umbrella and that she could go grab Clarke and walk her back to the car without getting wet, but before she had a chance Clarke was already sprinting and halfway to the car. The alpha laughed at her mate and opened the passenger door for her when she arrived at the car.

"Thanks babe!"

"I have an umbrella."

"Eh, running was faster." Clarke shrugged.

"Yeah, but now you are all wet."

"So?"

"So weren't we gonna go on a date after?" Lexa teased.

"I thought the point of a date was to get me all wet?" Clarke's eyes danced in an egregious amount of pride for the terrible joke.

"You are the worst!"

"And it isn't much like you are dry." Clarke leaned over and kissed Lexa.

"I got caught in the rain when I needed to do something."

"I figured, just wanted to point out that I'm not the only one who got a little wet in today's rain. But I'm still up for dinner if you are?"

"Yeah, I know a good place we can grab something."

"Sounds good babe." Clarke snuggled up.

"How was class?"

"I think I'm finally understanding everything I missed."

"That's great! It can be a celebration dinner!" Lexa cheered.

"Sounds great love." Clarke purred. "On the brightish side, I think my rut is over, so I can concentrate again."

"That's good. And, ya know what? Mine is over too! Our cycles are all synced up again." Lexa noted, taking Clarke's hand as she pulled out of the parking lot.

"I'm glad. I like having our cycles match up again, it makes me feel closer to you."

"Same here. I'm really glad I have you." Lexa's soft tone struck Clarke as a bit much and a surprise.

"I'm glad I have you too. But, now I know something is wrong. You've been acting off all day. And your eyes are all red again! You've been crying more!"

"I…" Lexa wasn't sure whether to tell the truth or not. In the past when this topic has come up it had occasionally left Clarke feeling undervalued and like she wasn't the most important person in Lexa's life.

"Spill! Because I am not ok with having to worry about whether or not my mate is ok!" Clarke ordered.

"I went to see Costia. It's been three years since she died, and every year on the anniversary of her death I go out there to read her books and talk to her, tell her how things are going. To make sure she knows I am ok, that she can rest."

"Oh." Clarke's jaw dropped and she fell silent.

"See! That is why I didn't wanna tell you! You are upset now. Clarke, I love you so much. I don't want you to feel less than my everything in any single way." Lexa rushed to explain.

"No. I get it. It is just really sweet. I love you. I'm here. M… maybe we should just order in? Cuddle on the couch? Watch a movie? Eat way too much? Take the whole evening for us… For you. We've both worked more than hard enough and we deserve an evening to relax. We can do whatever. Anything you need love. I'm here. I want you to be ok. I want to support you." Clarke latched onto Lexa's right arm, wrapping both of her arms around it along with the majority of her torso. It was all she could do, the best she could come up with to help in an effort to comfort her alpha.

"I? Are you sure? You aren't hurt?"

"No. No. I'm sorry. I understand. I'm not hurt. I just want to be here and help."

"Thanks love."

"I'll order something. It will be home just a little after us."

"Thank you." Lexa sighed in relief.

"It's nothing. I just want my mate safe, preferably at home, with a full belly and snuggled up in my arms with a small pile of blankets surrounding us."

Clarke's suggestion was exactly what Lexa needed after her arduous day, and it was exactly what she got as well. Clarke followed through on each of her suggestions, ensuring that Lexa had everything she could ever have wanted for the rest of the night, and into the early hours of the morning when they both migrated off to bed. Clarke held Lexa tight and allowed her to cry into her chest, to mourn what she had lost in the arms of a lover. It killed Clarke to see Lexa cry, but to know that she was safe was all she needed to keep everything together for the sake of her mate.

End of Chapter 63

By the way! Wanna talk with more the 100/ clexa fans? Hang and chat in a safe space with other LGBTQ+ folk? I recently made a discord server, you are welcome to join! It's free, and just a place I hope people can chat and feel safe! Link for the server on my tumblr: hopefulbadgerjunara

Chapter Text

Chapter 64

The next two weeks seemed to pass by on sixteen times speed fast forward. Lexa was doing better as early as the morning after the anniversary. But Clarke still insisted that the two of them take another day off for the combination of self-care and generalized recuperation. This suggestion certainly came with a fair amount of push back and protest from the other alpha, but eventually, Lexa caved. The third anniversary had truly taken its share out of her, left her soul beyond sore, and she just didn't have the lingering spirit to put up as much of a fight as would have been required to convince Clarke that her study was more important than cuddling on the couch and munching on egregious amounts of leftovers that lingered from the previous night's delivery. Halfway through the day, even Octavia and Raven joined in on the lounge session. It made for a comforting environment, Raven hadn't gotten such a significant breath of relief practically since she had first gotten pregnant, back before Clarke lost hers and fell off the deep end once again. It was a new level of relief for her to see just how relaxed and happy Clarke was now that she wasn't fighting a dynamic that wasn't her on a constant basis.

Sadly, however, none of them really got much of a break again for the rest of the month after that. Octavia grew busy with all the new customers wanting to ensure they had their beach bodies ready for summer. Raven, ever the bookworm simply worked in deeper as finals approached and threatened to kick her ass once again. Lexa returned to a slightly less backbreaking schedule for working on her next novel. Clarke's nose didn't leave the pages of a textbook or a sizeable art project or a paper she needed to complete until the night before her big test. Her first exam had gone well, all of her late work had been submitted and by some miracle, so had all of her final projects. But it felt like none of that meant a damn thing if she couldn't get a C or better on the following day's test. For that reason, and also because she had spent the past three weeks memorizing the book, several practice exams, all of even the supplemental reading material from the professor's syllabus, her notes, and several of her classmate's notes, Clarke allowed herself the final day before her big exam to relax. Also, Lexa's demanding it in absolutely no uncertain terms may have played a role, but no one would ever hear Clarke admit to such a thing.

Lexa at one point actually stole a notebook out of Clarke's hands and more or less forced her to sit down while she made some fancy salmon for their dinner. Clarke insisted she didn't like Fish, but Lexa demanded she eat because it was brain food. For all of her protesting, Clarke adored the salmon, even asked for seconds. Lexa obliged with a smile and minimal gloating. The elder alpha allowed Clarke only an hour and a half after dinner before ordering her to bed. She also then dragged her and damn near tied her down to the bed; in fact, a little later Lexa did tie her down. Clarke continued her protests, whining about how it was still not even nine yet, but Lexa was hearing none of it. Lexa simply stood her ground and demanded that Clarke take care of herself and at a minimum get cozy in bed because she had her big exam the next day at ten. Clarke made some witty crack about how she'd be more willing to get cosy if she was doing so with Lexa's head between her thighs; to her surprise, most of all the quip worked. It had worked a little too well, and in all of her rigger excitement, Lexa was very upset when it was almost eleven-thirty and Clarke was still wide awake. Either way, one more orgasm seemed to do quite the trick and send Clarke off into an intense slumber.

The alpha admired her handiwork and enjoyed licking her lips clean of Clarke's unique flavor. Clarke was already asleep as Lexa finally began undoing the bonds and tucking the slumbering alpha tightly into the bed. Once she was satisfied with how comfy and angelic Clarke looked with her face smushed up against a small mountain of pillows, Lexa quietly slipped out of the bed to prepare a special breakfast for Clarke. It was nothing huge, but in her eyes, Clarke deserved every single small edge she could possibly have after so much hard work, and if there was anything she could do, Lexa would ensure Clarke had that edge. A sizeable selection of pre-cut fruit, some bread set to be ready fresh the moment that they woke, and more would be made when Clarke finally woke, but for now, prep was finished and Lexa could finally return to bed with Clarke.

The younger alpha stirred but thankfully didn't wake as Lexa slipped in next to her and wrapped her arms all the way around her slumbering mate. Lexa couldn't resist peppering Clarke with soft kisses accompanied with a couple lingering nuzzles to soak up the alpha's scent. Impossibly perfect, strong, serene, heavenly, even as Clarke was sleeping, her odor was everything that Lexa could ever need. Her every worry and fear melted away for a while until she succumbed to sleep, joining her mate in the penultimate level of rest.

Clarke didn't wake until two hours after Lexa had woken up. The other alpha had already cooked up two different types of quiches, bacon, sausage, and even pancakes just in case that was the type of thing Clarke wanted. She had also set out the fruit, a couple varieties of jam, butter, and the fresh bread was almost eating temperature.

"Hey baby." Clarke greeted wiping crust from her eyes, vision still blurry with sleep to the point she didn't notice the spread. "Uugh, what smells so good?"

"I made you a couple options for breakfast baby."

"A couple?!" Clarke's jaw dropped when her eyes finally found the smorgasbord.

"I will not be having my mate's performance sabotaged by hunger."

"I can tell. But why aren't you concerned about sending me into a food coma?"

"You can food coma after your exam! For now, just enough to keep you going."

"Well, that is probably a sizeable amount anyways. It is a four-hour exam."

"Dear fucking god why?" Lexa nearly choked on a strawberry she had snagged from a fruit bowl she had set out earlier.

"Yup, Four fucking hours. The prof thinks that it is best to have an extra-long test to see if everyone really knows the material'." Clarke performed frustrated air quotes.

"Well, most of the time exams don't take all of the time allotted. So hopefully that is a saving grace."

"Nope, not this guy. He intentionally puts way too many questions on his exams. Almost no one ever finishes before time is up." Clarke found a seat at the kitchen's dining island.

"Sounds like an asshole." Lexa rolled her eyes in solidarity.

"Well, the point of his class is to have everyone do the work and then pass despite pulling like a forty on the final. But, I don't have such a luxury." Clarke's fear bled through to her demeanor.

"You can do it love. I believe in you." Lexa pushed an already prepared plate to Clarke and then took the alpha's hand in hers. "I know you can do it."

"Thanks baby." Clarke sighed anxiously.

"Eat up. You need it."

Clarke smiled back wearily before poking around at the beautiful meal her mate had set out for her.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing." The automated response slipped out before Clarke could formulate any more honest response or even really process the implications of the question.

"Sure, cause I believe that." Lexa challenged.

"I… I'm anxious."

"Really? Ah! I can't believe it!" Lexa played off her frustration with a light-headed look.

"I know. I know it is obvious. Just, I did everything I could. But will it be enough?"

"It will."

"How do you know!" Clarke had begun worrying herself sick and all in the course of the whole minute that had passed since she sat down.

"Because we have been through so much in the past three months. It's about time that we had some good news for a change."

"I think my hormones count as good news."

"Yeah, but that was a good change after a decade of you having to deal with the wrong dynamic."

Clarke smiled back politely. "I love you. And we need to schedule another meeting with Nyko. She said to wait until after my second rut to schedule again, that the next meeting would be extra important."

"You know why?"

"Probably cause we weren't supposed to start on the rut dosage last time." Clarke shrugged. "I'm sure it's just to check that everything is progressing right, that my next rut isn't too much or too little."

"Maybe she wants to talk to other potential options to progress transition?"

Clarke's eyes opened to a bewildered state.

"Just a thought." Lexa's shoulders popped up just to fall back down nonchalantly.

"You think she would allow me to move on already? It's only been a month."

"I don't know. Could take a year to schedule something like that? Who knows."

"I presume she would. But god. A month? After only a month?" Clarke retreated back into her own mine. It was terrifying and laced with cautious hope, but it was a good reprieve from exam stress.

"You are right. She would. But maybe that would give more reason to her offering it to you as an option as soon as it is possible? Or even well before it is possible just so that you know if you want to pursue it." Lexa suggested. "She understands what you are going through. As much as I am not a fan of admitting it, she probably understands it far better than I do. So, if it is something she thinks is important, then I would understand her offering you options like that extra early." Lexa paused, catching sight of an alpha in headlights staring back at her. "You know you don't have to do anything else if you don't want to! I! I'm sorry! I wasn't trying to stress you out! I was trying to be hopeful, not stressful!" Lexa's jolly mood died out almost instantly.

Clarke's mouth opened and closed once or twice, cycling through tothe right way to approach her response. "I want to move forward. To finally have it all done with. I LOVE what I have had so far. The hormones are amazing, and the idea of not even having the other bits, of having something actually bigger than my thumb? Oh god, I don't know if there is anything I want more in the world than that. But it isn't like I could do that even if Nyko signed off on something like that."

"Why not?"

"Lexa, I don't even know if I have health insurance. I am just finishing up school, and yeah, I got some scholarships. But I got a hell of a lot of loans too! Loans I need to start paying off soon. Loans I might need to start paying off without even having a degree to help me get a job."

"How do you not know if you have insurance?"

"I haven't talked to my mom in three years. I used to have my insurance through her. I haven't had to go to a doctor for anything other than with Nyko, who has sliding scale, and the hospital when we lost the baby. And I am honestly still waiting to get the bill for that."

"You're Not… You aren't gonna get a bill for the hospital." Lexa averted her eyes.

"Why not?" Clarke's face contorted in confusion.

"I… kinda took care of it while we were there."

"What the fuck? Come again?"

"You didn't get to choose. You were out cold, and I felt like if you didn't get to choose you shouldn't have to pay for it. So I gave them my billing information."

"Lexa."

"I was terrified that you were gonna die at the time. I'm sorry. I get that it isn't really right of me to have done that for you without talking to you. But, I was scared."

"I'm sorry."

"What?" Lexa's eyebrows furrowed and her jaw dropped.

"I'm sorry you were so scared. I love you. I appreciate you protecting me from something so terrifying like a huge ass bill I had no way to deal with." Clarke took a moment to breathe. "Thank you. And you didn't have to do that."

"At the time it felt like I owed it to you, I thought it was all my fault."

"No, no. None of it was-"

"I know. But at the time-"

"I get it."

"You aren't mad?" Lexa checked.

"No. I don't want you to go doing it again without talking to me. But I'm certainly not mad."

"You are my mate. I'd do anything I can to help keep you safe." Lexa's hand reached across the kitchen island.

"And I you." Clarke mirrored Lexa's moves and allowed their hands to meet in the middle. "I also feel like I owe you big time now."

"I know what you can do to pay me back." Lexa smiled.

"What's that? Blowjobs on demand? Cause for this? I think I could manage that for a rut or two. Or at least until I can start actually paying you back. Especially after how you collapsed tor me last time. It was so beautiful to see you on the floor panting with me, the taste of your cum still on my lips."

"You aren't paying me back with money. That is simply out of the question. We are mates, and one day I expect to see a ring on one of our fingers, so there would be no point to paying me back." Lexa ordered stern.

"Not even if the question involves blowjobs?" Clarke performed outrageous puppy dog eyes.

"No, nothing so grand, nothing like that. I was thinking something more along the lines of you at least looking into surgery. Only if you really want it."

"Lexa." Clarke's eyes protested.

"I want my alpha to be happy and safe. And your health matters."

"Lexa, it isn't something I can afford."

"Then I can get you on my insurance, or maybe you still have yours through your mom."

"In order to know I would have to talk to her."

"Then maybe that is what we need to do?"

Clarke hyperbolized a laugh. "No! If I do have any insurance and she finds out that this is why I want it!? She will cancel my insurance just to spite me."

"I forgot that she wasn't accepting. I'm sorry."

"Not accepting is one way to put it." Clarke huffed and rolled her eyes hurting.

"I'm here." Lexa held Clarke's hand tighter.

"I know. Thank you."

"But really. I want you to look into it; again only if it is something you want."

"I do want it, but-"

"No buts, bubble butt. I want you to look into it at least. Even if you never go through with it, or if it takes years. I don't want you holding back just because you think it is not plausible."

"I'll think about it."

"That is more than enough." Lexa relaxed, soothing Clarke as best as she could, rolling the alpha's fingers around between her own.

"I think I need to go soon. Professor Pike prefers students to arrive early to the exams." Clarke looked down to her barely touched plate and momentarily mourned the fact that she hadn't used her time more wisely and eaten better.

"Ok baby, But at least take some quiche to eat in the car."

"Thanks baby. I will."

The stressed alpha devoured her quiche corner in the car and Lexa offered up another piece she had snuck in with her just in case Clarke needed more. She did indeed need more, and the extra square of quiche actually went quite a long way to both help soothe her remaining hunger and to ade in abating her atrocious over active fears. Clarke's nerves had already riled up, calmed down, rinsed and repeated at least three times before the two pulled into the school's parking lot. Lexa bid her mate off with a litany of good luck kisses and best wishes. The weight of the world rained down on Clarke after she had double-checked that she had everything she needed for the exam and exited the comfort of the car. She marched off in hesitant steps off towards the building and then into the exam hall.

It didn't take too long for her to find a vaguely comfortable seat, one on the end of a row where she would only have to stress half as much about wandering eyes. Once seated, she pulled out the chair's hidden pull out desk and set out all of her materials. Unlike most of her smaller and more intimate classes, this one required the students to use an electronic test-taking device. The students were given the paper test, but all the answers were to be submitted through the clicker like device. Clarke despised the clicker, it made making a singular mistake simultaneously both so much easier, and completely catastrophic. One accidentally skipped question or doubled up answer and all her answers from that point forward would be one question off and therefore a perfect score quickly became a twenty or thirty percent. Clarke could feel the sweat forming on her brow at just the thought of how easily she could end up beyond screwed. It wasn't even like the other one or two classes she had that used these devices earlier in her time at the college. At least in the past, she had ample time to review her answers, compare what her test-taking device had for each of her answers with her notes and work in the margins of the paper test itself. But now she didn't have a chance in hell to review it before the test was over. She was going to need every minute she had just to strive to finish. On the bright side; was it a bright side? Clarke certainly wasn't sure. But she figured that she would know by the time the test was over. Anywho, the only real bright side to the whole clicker test taker was that as soon as a student sent in all of their answers and approved them or whenever time ran out, whichever came first, that student got to immediately see their score. And no, that wasn't the most terrifying concept that Clarke had ever heard, of course not. It only meant that she would have absolutely no time of relief between the test ending and learning that she had completely failed, that her life was over, she wasn't going to graduate and everything would immediately combust in an all-consuming inferno.

After twenty minutes of Clarke working herself up into an impossibly tight and anxious ball of alpha, Pike finally announced that it was time for the exam to begin. His teaching assistants passed out the tests to the roughly one or two hundred students that he had in his class. Clarke had begun anxiously shaking by the time a test landed on her desk and knocked over the seven severely sharpened pencils she had set out. She briefly considered cursing the careless TA out, but then decided against it after she realized that she would most likely get kicked out of the exam for causing a disturbance if she did. Figuring that prof Pike wouldn't be so keen on retakes, Clarke thought it best that she simply pick her pencils back up in complete silence as opposed to potentially sending herself all the way up shit creek without even a fucking canoe.

Pike gave the test instructions, asked for questions, waited for two or three hands to shoot up, and then succinctly told them all that it was the same as the midterm and that their questions could have been answered then if they had attended the midterm exam. Following the cruel taunt, he announced the starting time loudly and reminded the students that they only had four hours to complete the test; like a test could ever be described as only taking four hours in a setting that wasn't intended to be comical. After all his care and patience for his confused students in the explanation and beginning questions step of the exam, Pike adjourned to the desk at the front of the exam hall to rest and mindlessly dick around on his phone while his teaching assistants monitored the students being tested.

The first question was hard, the second impossible, and the third caused Clarke to consider crawling down to the floor and curling up in a ball and just crying in the fact that she was an utter failure. Victory first struck at question five. Not only could she easily narrow it down to two of the five multiple-choice options, but she actually remembered going over the answer just two nights ago. She knew the answer! It wasn't everything, but it was something, something huge. It was a boost to her morale. She knew the answers by heart to seven, nine, twelve through twenty-three! Clarke had hit a roll! Things toughened up again around question twenty-five, but after a twelve question stint of confidence-building Clarke wasn't even phased. Sadly, this exam was a marathon, not a sprint, and Clarke was not an endurance anything. Her stamina truly began to wane around an hour and a half in when she hit question one hundred and forty-six. The alpha actually felt winded after such a long test, and she was only halfway through! Not even! The test was three hundred questions long! Things slowed significantly after that, and it felt like the clock's hands spun faster and faster by the moment while each question grew longer, wordier, and more complex. Clarke's head pounded and she wished that she had packed some aspirin or at least water, just something to keep her going through the test that felt like it spread on for more pages than Lexa's book.

Clarke's worst fears were realized and then some when she realized on question two hundred thirty-six that her electronic answer submission device read two three-five. The alpha slammed her fist on her desk loud enough to garner at least twelve eyes, and almost immediately after, her head followed. She allowed her eyes a full minute of rest. She needed it, especially if she was going to avoid fucking up again with inputting her answers. Her skull felt like it had two thirty pound dumbbells attached to either side when she finally raised her heavy head to begin backtracking. Thanks to all that is holy in a cruel world, Clarke had the forethought to write each answer in the margins next to the question it accompanied. She grew certain somewhere around the tenth question of backtracking and correcting her answers that this was the work of the devil; no, no, not even the devil was quite that cruel. However after the twelfth backtracked question, Clarke's thoughts of the devil's work swapped to the sounds of angels singing and she was suddenly confident that she had one just for her, watching over and protecting her from having to reenter one hundred plus answers.

The stress of the backtracking was beyond taxing, but having it over with and the fact that the one-time thing that went wrong was rather minor was a sizeable relief and gave her enough willpower to power on. Fear kicked in with no equal just a matter of moments after professor Pike stood and announced that they had only thirty minutes left before the exam was over. Clarke could swear she was about ready to carve a canyon at the floor under her she was sweating bullets so terribly once she realized she had thirty minutes to complete forty-three questions. FUCK, fuck, fuck! Clarke's mental monologue broke out screaming as she snapped a pencil in anxiety. FUCK! She put down the split pencil and strived to refocus, to ram through the remaining questions with one last wind of stamina. The clock, however, had no plans of aiding Clarke in her hopeful attempts to finish the whole exam. One question. She had finished all but one question when he called time. She instinctively gave a random answer because, what was to be lost? It was a one in five shot at an extra point, so why the hell not.

"That's it. Time is up, and you have one minute to submit your responses. The TA's will begin collecting the tests. As soon as yours had been turned in and you have submitted your answers, you are free to go." Pike ordered before gathering his papers and slowly packing them up into his bag.

Being that Clarke was on the end, she was one of the first to have her test taken. It was taken so fast her finger still hovered terrified over the submit button. One positive thing was that she had actually answered all three hundred questions through the test-taking device, and that meant that no more questions had accidentally been skipped or double answered. But it didn't mean anything as far as a guarantee for her grade. Sure Clarke felt like she had done ok, but ok in this context was certainly a vague term. Clarke was certain with absolutely no doubt that her score was most definitely somewhere between a zero and a one hundred. But for some reason reminding herself of that didn't seem to do much of anything to comfort her. In all reality, she was rather confident that her score was probably somewhere in between a sixty and an eighty-five; oh lord how she hoped it was towards the higher end of that scale. In all of her shaking anxiety, her finger slipped and hit the submit button. Clarke's eyes shot down to see the mistake, and her grade.

Sixty-nine point four percent. Clarke's heart shattered. Not even a whole point away? How evil could the universe be? Why! What entity could ever be so cruel? To be off by only point six points? Hell! With rounding up, Point one points would have made the difference. How! How could this be? How in the hell could she ever accept that! No! This was just wrong, evil and cruel. Wait. if it was really just a point… Pike had actually been almost kind to her a couple weeks ago. He genuinely seemed to care about helping her pass. Maybe if she reinforced that she had been in the hospital and lost her child. Maybe, just maybe.

Most of the students had already cleared out. No one really wished to stay in the room any longer than they had to after four hours non stop test-taking. By something that felt like a sign crossed with a miracle, Pike was still packing up, but he wouldn't be for long. Clarke had to act fast or else she would lose her opportunity. She hastily threw everything but her test-taking clicker in her bag and then threw her bag over her shoulder before rushing off to Pike.

"So, is this a happy one or a sad one?" Pike asked before Clarke even arrived at his desk

"What?"

"Are you coming to tell me you did it, or beg me to cut you some slack?"

"I got a sixty-nine point four."

"Congratulations." Pike didn't even look up to see Clarke's eyes.

"Sir, I was so close. I literally spent every day since I got back from grieving the LOSS of my CHILD breaking my back to study for this exam."

"I do intentionally make hard tests."

"I… Is there anything I can do to get an extra point, any extra credit at all? I-"

"I won't be grading your paper any different from anyone else in the class Ms. Griffin.

Clarke's heart sank, she knew what his answer would be, but that didn't make it any easier. "Thanks anyways sir."

"As stated. Congratulations." Pike repeated cold.

"Geez, that is rather cold-blooded sir. To congratulate me even after I didn't pass the class."

"I don't assign sixty-nines. Not to you, not to anyone. I find it… too cold-blooded." He raised his head and tilted an eyebrow at Clarke.

"You mean?"

"I also don't appreciate having students laugh about getting such a grade in my class. So I round up for anyone who scored a sixty-nine or above to a seventy."

"So you weren't just fucking with me when yous said congratulations!?"

"No, I wasn't." He looked up and extended a hand. "It is actually an incredible score. Congratulations Clarke."

Clarke's jaw lingered somewhere just above the floor as she took his hand, shook it and began with a profuse litany of thank yous.

All he had left to say in response was a follow-up. "Congratulations Clarke. "

End of Chapter 64

Chapter Text

Chapter 65

"But you passed?" Lexa's voice was tentative, fearful of being too hopeful.

"I passed!" Clarke's excitement alone was enough to confirm the positive news.

"That's great!" Lexa grabbed her mate up in a huge hug.

"Fuck, I am so relieved." Clarke whimpered into her mate's shoulder.

"We are celebrating."

"We are?"

"Yes! We are! I may or may not have already gotten a nice roast that is already cooking in the oven and some small party supplies."

"Party supplies?" Clarke pulled back and questioned with her eyebrows.

"Chips, salsa, and a nice loaf of bread that I'm gonna turn into pull-apart garlic cheese bread."

"See, I thought it was sexy when you described baths, but if you say that about the bread three times nice and slow, I just might collapse right here out in public." Clarke giggled and purred, moving back in to kiss at Lexa's neck.

"I knew that pass or fail you would need support. I didn't invite anyone just in case the news was bad. I was thinking it could just be a nice relaxing pre-graduation party. Plus I got some sparkling apple cider! I would have done champagne, but I wasn't sure if it was a good idea." Lexa offered up the non-alcoholic option in an attempt to support her mate with sobriety.

"Thank you baby. I think we could all use a little celebration. Plus, Raven is done with this leg of the whole doctoring thing, so I think she has earned some celebration as well. And you, you owe me a book to read!"

"No! No! I said after graduation."

"That's three days away."

"And in three days you can read it. In the meantime, I want you focusing on you and striving to destress after all of this craziness."

Clarke grumbled protests under her breath.

"Come on, you have your rut starting tonight, so it's an extra good idea to take better care of yourself. And…" Lexa pulled at Clarke's hips. "You could take care of me too." She performed a whine and a whimper while sniffing at her alpha's neck. "I need my alpha. Can't wait to have you hold me down and take me, make me yours all over again?" Lexa teased her mate with soft loving desperate kisses at her throat.

Clarke growled and pushed her alpha up against the car, grinding herself into the alpha and nipping at her mate's neck.

"Oh, fuck baby." Lexa groaned in pleasure, caught by the sensations, knowing her rut would most likely awaken only moments after Clarke's.

"That's my girl." Clarke praised, her hands wandering to places far too inappropriate for the wide-open parking lot.

"Baby, we need to get home. I have a roast in the oven."

"But I only wanna eat you." Clarke retorted and bit harder at Lexa as her hands slipped down to Lexa's ass and threatened to reach under and begin teasing at Lexa's sex.

Lexa moaned at the taunt, her hips involuntarily rocking back against her jeans pulling and rubbing at her sex from Clarke's approaching fingers.

"That's it, there's my good girl. Just like that love."

"Clarke!" Lexa gasped, fighting for air against her demanding arousal.

"What's that love?"

"Please, do you want your dinner to burn."

"Why? You are already smoking hot." That was just enough to bring Lexa back to her senses.

"I'm smoking? Really love?" Lexa snickered.

"Yup. Yup, you are."

"I love you. Get in the car before our dinner burns up to a crisp." Lexa grabbed Clarke's ass and spanked it playfully. "Now get in the car Ms. graduate."

Clarke grumbled but obeyed the order. Obeying or not, she did her best to damn near cause an accident the whole way home by assaulting Lexa's neck with a series of increasingly loud kisses, licks, and nips. Ever the evil alpha, Clarke even whispered the dirtiest things she could possibly come up with into her alpha's ear the whole ride home. Promising to tie Lexa down, to stroke and suck at her until the alpha unravel entirely and pleaded desperately for release. Needless to say, Lexa grew incredibly flustered far too quickly and decided that she needed to change her clothes as soon as she had saved the roast from the oven and set it out to rest.

Those plans, however, hit somewhat of a snag when the two finally marched into the apartment to see Octavia's handiwork.

The alpha was already lounging on the couch with a variety of balloons floating all clustered in the corners of the den, a banner reading congratulations halfheartedly set up, and a party horn hanging between her lips. It's shrill sound rang out in welcome the moment Lexa opened the door.

"Are we partying in celebration or condolence?" O asked of the duo.

"First, Celebration, second, I said party, not rager." Lexa glared.

"Lex, we desperately need to redefine the word rager in your vocabulary. It's two bottles of champagne."

"Two bottles, I don't drink, Clarke is sober, and Raven is pregnant."

"They were cheap and buy one get one. I thought you two might want to celebrate, forgive me. I know this is the shit you drank when you finished the first one." Octavia tilted one of the bottles to inspect it.

"Wait, first one?"

"I finished the first draft of the new book." Lexa waived off like it was nothing.

"You drank with Costia when you finished the first one." Octavia repeated.

"So she has indulged once or twice in the decadent delight!?" Clarke teased with a smile.

"Once, and yeah, I did. That champagne tastes like ass." Lexa paused. "In fact, I'm almost certain that it isn't even legal to call it champagne." Lexa grabbed the other bottle. "Oof yeah. This is the shit I remember."

"Wait! Are you just gonna gloss over the fact that you didn't tell me that your book is finished yet?!" Clarke pulled at her alpha's arm.

"I! Uugh! Um!" Lexa stammered, knowing she was in trouble.

"How did you not tell me!"

"If I told you, you would have demanded to read it even before your graduation."

"Yes, yes I would have, and I am." Clarke agreed.

"Sorry for letting the cat out of the bag." Octavia winced.

"No! You are relaxing!" Lexa demanded. "And! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I need to take my roast out of the oven before!" She quickly changed tasks, sprinting over to the oven with slim hope of salvaging much of anything.

"Lexa? Are you ok?"

"Oh yeah, the oven dinged like ten minutes ago. I turned it off, but I left the roast in just in case."

Lexa continued cursing under her breath as she ripped the oven door open and scrambled to find any oven mitts or even just a damn cloth to grab the roasting tray with, but nothing!

"Whatcha looking for babe?" Clarke moved in but kept a moderate distance, fearful of crowding her alpha or getting in the way.

"Fucking oven mitts!" Lexa snapped.

"Ok, ok, they are right here love." Clarke grabbed the pair that Lexa must have laid out for herself when she put the roast in.

"Thank you!" Even in a sign of appreciation, Lexa was yelling. "I'm sorry-" She ripped the roast out of the oven and snapped once more when she saw the temperature. "Fuck! One fifty!"

"Hey, baby, what's wrong? One fifty what?"

"The temp, it is at one-fifty."

"Isn't that like just past medium-rare?"

"It is, but carry over, this is gonna end up practically well done." Lexa just narrowly restrained herself from punching her granite countertop in her anxious frustration.

"Baby, baby, it is entirely ok. It already smells fantastic. And I'm just as happy to have a slice if it is raw or well done." Clarke stepped closer slowly, careful not to startle her overstressed alpha.

"I wanted it to be perfect! Fuck! I'm sorry Clarke." Lexa's posture collapsed in on itself.

"Hey, hey. It is perfect." Clarke grabbed Lexa's hand, seeing how tightly wound the alpha was, and how she hasn't done much to help that day.

"No, I ruined the roast."

"It's perfect because I have you. I have a wonderful book waiting for me to read it when I graduate." Clarke pulled Lexa in closer. "It is all perfect."

"Somebody, somebody needs a drink." Octavia tossed her horn aside and popped the first bottle, pouring a glass for her friend. "You deserve to fucking relax."

For some reason, Lexa looked to Clarke like she needed permission.

"Babe, if you wanna drink, you are welcome to. Whatever helps you."

Lexa sighed, taking the glass and tossing it back. "God, it's almost as vile as I remember." Lexa grimace. "Now I remember why I don't drink." Lexa stuck out her tongue moderately disgusted.

"I love you." Clarke squeezed her mate supportive.

"How about this, I can make the bread you were planning and we let the roast rest uncovered, that way it won't go much further. You two, go like relax or take a shower or something. I still have an hour until I need to be at the college to pick up Raven. So you two don't need to worry about the food or anything for right now. Just relax." Octavia offered for her friends.

"That ok with you baby girl?" Clarke kissed Lexa's cheek.

"Yeah, that sounds really nice." Lexa nodded back to her mate.

"You two go relax. I can finish up the cooking and there will be a disgustingly decadent cheesy garlic bread waiting when y'all are ready." Octavia shooed them off.

"Thanks O." Clarke smiled and held Lexa as they walked off into their room.

"Thank you love." Lexa sighed as they slipped into the privacy of their room.

"You ok?"

"Just really really stressed. I was worried about you, then I was worried about the roast, about Octavia buying alcohol!"

"Hey, I'm fine. Don't worry about her buying champagne. It isn't like she got vodka or long island ice tea or something. I am perfectly fine. And if you wanna drink, you are more than welcome to. You earned it!" Clarke soothed softly by massaging gently at Lexa's shoulders.

"God that is nice." Lexa pressed back into Clarke's heavenly hands.

"There you go baby." Clarke leaned in to kiss Lexa's cheek. "Now, how about you go hop in the shower? I will give myself my hormones, and then I will take great care of my mate. Sound good?"

"Sounds spectacular."

"Good. That's my girl." Clarke gave Lexa the softest guiding push towards the bathroom door. "You get comfy and I'll join you in just a moment?"

"Thanks love." Lexa nodded back, heading off into the bathroom. Her tense muscles didn't have even the slightest plan in relaxing. Whatever it may have been, she was still near painfully tense. This became painfully clear when her tight shoulders fought against her every attempt to remove her clothing. Her poor body screamed against her with each article of clothing, and for a good minute, she considered forfeiting the battle against her bra and just going ahead and showering with it on. Thankfully she won through some miracle. Once naked, Lexa stumbled over to the bath and turned it on to it's hottest setting. She could use every aide she could get. While the bath filled, she struggled and pulled out some Epsom salts, light a candle, did her best to mimic the beautiful bath she and Clarke had shared little more than a month prior. She remembered how transcendent the bath had been, how much feeling her mate close and safe made the world fall to the most peaceful perfect silence.

"Hormones injected. I bet I have about an hour till I'm going crazy and fucking everything in sight all over again." Clarke slipped in behind Lexa and quickly stripped down.

"Oh yay! I'm so excited to see you fuck the couch all over again."

"Now don't pretend my pelvic prowess doesn't do anything for you." Clarke comically humped the air.

"Oh yes, insanely sexy. Just let me bend over and present for you right here and now." Lexa smirked.

"No, no, now is the time for relaxation, get in the bathtub already.

"Yes my alpha." Lexa stuck out her tongue before slipping a toe into the perfectly scalding water; just what she needed.

"That's a girl." Clarke praised, slipping in behind her mate.

"I added some Epsom salts."

"Tense love?"

"Just a lot." Lexa nodded with an over-excited look.

"Somebody overexerted herself working on her book didn't she?" Clarke ushered Lexa to leaned her head back into her by pulling just below Lexa's hairline.

"Maybe just a little?"

"Maybe just a lot." Clarke corrected softly, dragging her knuckle down the side of Lexa's face, neck, then body and wrapped her arms around the alpha as they relaxed into the bathwater.

Lexa purred and nearly moaned. "This is so nice. So warm." Lexa snuggled up to the mate whose arms and legs surrounded her.

"Yeah. it is." Clarke's heart sang as she watched Lexa's eyes flutter shut and gelt her mate's muscles unclench. "There you go. Just relax." Clarke traced her fingers along Lexa's side and belly.

Lexa half-heartedly cooed and followed along with her alpha's instructions. "Thanks sweetheart."

"Course love. Just breathe and your alpha can soap you all up." Clarke's soothing voice ushered as she stole some soap from its holder. Her hands exchanged the bar of soap in-between sections of Lexa's body. Clarke was thorough but gentle, massaging every square inch with meticulous detail and spending extra time at any point that made Lexa moan when she touched it.

With the cheesy bread all set up and only needing a small stint under the broiler to make it perfect and bubbly, Octavia made her way back down to the college. She arrived with near immaculate timing. Just moments after she pulled in she spotted Raven exiting the building and pulling out her phone. Octavia rolled down the window and stuck out her head and a high waving hand before letting loose an ear-piercing whistle and calling out. "Aye, baby girl. You didn't really think I would make you wait for me on your last day did you?" Even from a hundred meters away she could hear mate shake her head and roll her eyes at all of her overeagerness. Raven's mouth moved, and Octavia couldn't hear a word of it, but she still knew what was being said. It was certainly something about how it was ridiculous of her to have arrived early because the test could have ended up taking another two hours. "Yeah, yeah. We got dinner getting cold back home so come on! Plus we are throwing Clarke a party." Octavia yelled.

"Do you have to yell all the way across the yard?" Raven's shoulders visibly dropped despite her growing smile.

"Do you have to whisper?" Octavia yelled louder despite the fact that Raven was more than halfway to the car.

"You are a loudmouth alpha asshole."

"Two-thirds of that is certainly true." O cracked a wide grin and opened the door for her mate.

"Three-thirds of it is true." Raven protested plopping down into the passenger seat.

"Love you sweetie. How were the exams?"

"Oh, examish."

"Is that code for you did well but it was still hell?"

"More or less, yeah." Raven leaned over and kissed her mate.

"But hey, you are done!"

"I am done until residencies start in the fall." Raven buckled in with a scared but excited sigh.

"You'll kill it there just like you did here."

"Thanks hun. Now, what was that about a party?"

"Clarke passed her exam, yall are graduating together!"

"Oh thank god!" Raven finally attained the opportunity to release a breath she must have been holding for over a month at least.

"Oh! Also, Lexa finished her book! So, we are doing a whole party with the four of us. Lexa made a nice roast and some stuff. I also got champagne, but the consensus seems to be that it was a mistake.:

"Yeah, Clarke is sober, Lexa doesn't drink, and I'm pregnant."

"I! I miscalculated! Also, I thought Lexa would drink, and she did! One glass at least."

"Ok then, have fun celebrating for us."

"How about I do the thing where I talk to your belly for an hour before we go to sleep?! That make it up to you?"

"Hey! That is just as much for you and the baby as it is for me."

"Like you don't love it."

"You like it too." Raven blushed and receded into her seat while rubbing at her bump.

"Yes, yes I do." Octavia agreed. "Now how does my beautiful omega feel about some fancy pull apart garlic cheesy bread?"

"God. YES." Raven half moaned.

"Good, cause it will be ready just after we get home, and then we can dig into the roast that is resting."

"That sounds heavenly love."

"I'm glad. I want you two happy." Octavia offered her hand over to her mate who then placed it on her belly.

"Alpha." Raven purred and guided O's hand to rub gently over her belly in nice slow circles. "We are happy now that we have our alpha close."

Aside from having to evade a rather reckless driver, Octavia only removed her hand to put the car into park once they arrived back at home. The two made their way back up to the apartment and alerted Lexa and Clarke that they were ready and then immediately slid the bread in to get all nice, toasty, and delicious. Clarke and Lexa emerged from their bath a minute or two after they were told it was time. The two were thoroughly refreshed and picked clothes out quickly before reuniting with their friends.

"Clarke!" Raven squealed immediately upon seeing her friend.

"Raven!"

"Uugh! It's been like a month!" The omega tackle hugged her friend.

"We live together."

"It has still been a month!"

"Well, I had to pass my test!"

"Yes! Yes, you did!" Raven squeezed. "Congratulations Clarke. That is awesome!"

"Thanks Raven."

"Bread's done!" Octavia announced

"Ohh! Yes!" Lexa rubbed her hands together excitedly. "I can Carver. the roast, y'all pick a movie or something. There are graduation themed movies on the coffee table!"

"Thanks babe." Clarke kissed.

"I have that cider in the fridge, you want some?" Lexa offered her mate before heading off to start carving.

"Yeah." Conflict flickered behind Clarke's eyes. "We've earned some celebration right?"

"Yeah, course we have."

"Then yeah." Clarke nodded as Lexa walked off.

"Looks like it's up to us to choose the entertainment!" Raven pulled her culinarily challenged friend away from the food being prepared.

"Yeah, lets." Clarke agreed, knowing Raven wasn't much better for cooking than she was. Choosing a movie didn't take long, in fact the most arduous aspect was attempting to get Lexa's decade and a half old DVD player to function after what must have been several years of inactivity. However, shortly after their meals hit the table, the DVD player had been figured out and the four quickly found their place on the couch cuddling up to each other.

"Ok, a toast!" Octavia announced the movie looping on a title screen behind her. "To my beautiful omega." She grabbed the sparkling cider and poured a flute for Raven. "My best friend." She grabbed the champaign and offered the choice, but clearly showed a preference and more than a slight nudge towards the champaign.

"Fine, I'll be an alpha and celebrate." Lexa rolled her eyes and offered up her glass for more of the alcoholic indulgence.

Clarke shifted uncomfortable.

"And her admirable alpha." Octavia offered the same choice to Clarke without catching the sight of the other women eyeing her for the action.

Clarke's hand waived before going to the cider. "Best to have a calm night?" Clarke's excuse was feeble, but Raven and Lexa would have been happy with absolutely any answer.

"Cider it is then." Octavia poured away, and then set herself with a flute of champagne. "To the three of you for your wonderful feats. Congratulations, and I am so proud of you three." They all took a deep swig at the cheer.

"Uugh! It's so bad." Lexa whined at the taste.

"Oh come now Ms. I'll be an alpha. It can't be that bad, the bottle looks pretty decent." Clarke complained after giving an almost equally displeased look to her own drink. "I'm reading the back." She snagged the bottle off of the table and began to inspect it.

"It's not that bad. Lexa just hates the taste of alcohol. I hate pickles, to each their own." Octavia shrugged off and swirled the drink around in her glass.

"It can't be that bad. It's champagne."

"It is yucky." Lexa stuck out her tongue.

"Let's just watch. It doesn't matter how bad it is. We have our delicious sparkling cider." Raven attempted to dissuade Clarke from the mistake she was already doomed to make.

"Yeah. Movie time." Octavia agreed before hitting play, beginning to see the mistake about to happen. '

Clarke sat staring at the bottle which stood still half in her lap, half just in her hands. She had already finished looking over its ingredients and the short blurb on the back about how it is a brand attempting to mimic an authentic french flavor at an affordable price point. An intro music montage blared from the living room's television as the movie began and Clarke thumbed at the golden tinfoil fringe of the bottle's neck. 'Be an alpha and celebrate' the words weren't meant to be pointed, nothing more than saying a big girl or an adult. But it still stung in an odd way. Clarke knew she was an alpha! Not to mention her rut was kicking in and she felt more than a moderate tug towards displaying her virility, her strength, her resistance and resilience. Just enough to push her into making a decision. "Can't be that bad." She muttered soft enough to only garner Raven's concerned attention before the bottle was up upturned and at Clarke's lips. The bottle glugged and Clarke gulped, thrusting down mouthfuls at a time. Seemingly all of a sudden the whole bottle was gone and six eyes had landed on it and the woman holding it.

"Oh, come on, wuss. It is great."

"Says the woman who I've seen drink straight vodka casually." Octavia countered.

"Baby." Lexa tightened her arms around Clarke.

"Seriously, that is good stuff." Clarke carelessly broke out of Lexa's arms to take up the second bottle before she had even made a move to begin her dinner.

"B… baby, maybe you slow down, huh?" Lexa reached out and attempted to stop Clarke's hand.