Archive of Our Own ^beta

sometimes, sleep can be a bit energy-draining—especially after a long, long exhausting day. for example, almost more of fifteen hours facing other people and hearing out tentatively to whatever kind of problems that have been bothering their days. giving out advices, writing down prescriptions for said illness.

it’s not like jaehyun despises his job. heck, he dreamt this opportunity even since he can barely spell out the occupation name properly with his little lips. jaehyun wished to be a good psychiatrist who’s able to mend other people’s ailing mind. he worked his way up, kept his nose to the grindstone; sacrificing most of the party invitations his colleagues have given to him just to spare more time with his books, looking away from all the girls (and guys) trying to get his attention, scheduled his summer for short semesters. and all things similar—he ain’t going to give up all of that just because a shitty day.

but sometimes—just sometimes, one in a million days, according to him—jaehyun admits he’s tired. his ears have grown fatigued to pay attention even to the smallest details, his mind too weary to come up with coherent consulations. at times like those, jaehyun only wants the clock to tick ten times faster so he can close his clinic earlier, pack his belongings, then go straight home and recover his drained body. no matter how he pretends to be tough throughout the sessions, jaehyun is still a sane, well-functioning (he hopes) human who needs rest.

maybe that’s exactly what he did last night. closed his clinic earlier, packed his belongings, went straight home, and just fell asleep as soon as he sees the bed (or even sofa? jaehyun is not sure). he remembers hearing his pretty lover saying something about dinner. he had mentioned about warm foods, reminding jaehyun to eat, which is only replied with a low grunt by jaehyun before driving to his long-awaited sleep completely.

pangs of guilt begin to hit his chest. he must’ve hurt his other half’s feeling by turning him down like that. he came back quite late yesterday, perhaps even past their bedtime. yet when taeyong—his lovely, lovely taeyong—tried to kept himself awake and even waited for him, jaehyun didn’t even respond properly. jaehyun knows taeyong isn’t the type to stay up late. once, he took him to watch a drama movie on their anniversary at midnight. taeyong fell asleep fifteen minutes to the movie. jaehyun finds it very endearing; he had to carry taeyong in his bed on their way home, but he didn’t mind.

and before he knew, jaehyun tore a bruise on that adorable effort. taeyong is probably disappointed in him right now. what if he gave up and decided not to wait for jaehyun again? what if he thought it’s pointless to try to compromise with jaehyun—?

jaehyun looks at the plain ceiling, gulping hard. the choked sentence has brought him to the reality, away from his hazy dream.

last night, he dreamt of losing his love. he was in a white, empty room. all alone by himself—wait, no, taeyong was there too. jaehyun faintly remembers how taeyong slowly shows up in front of him. taeyong didn’t say anything, he just stood there and stared at him. his lips were slightly smiling. jaehyun can catch something agonizing from there.

disappointment was there. jaehyun can feel his heart drops when the sight rewinds before his eyes, even now—when he’s fully awake and sober, eyes shot open to the ceiling above him. it hurts him so much to see that taeyong, is, in fact capable of being dissatisfied to whatever jaehyun’s doing. he often forgets that taeyong is still a person of his own and jaehyun can't really force taeyong to always be in the same perception as him. even it was only an illusion in jaehyun’s mind, it still hit him hard.

when he was going to say something—to apologize, to tell taeyong how he regrets everything he might've failed him—taeyong turned his back to him. his every steps resounded through the room, loud echoing footstep noises that almost felt like a sound of bullet’s to jaehyun’s dear heart. each steps pierced straight to jaehyun’s chest. he wanted to scream, wanted to stand and run and wrap his arms tight around taeyong and never let him go—ask him to never let him go—but he couldn’t.

his legs were shackled, nailed to the ground. his whole body stiffened. jaehyun felt he did open his mouth as wide as he can, scream until his lung burnt. however, there was no sound coming from there. taeyong remained unbothered. jaehyun saw his other half walked away from him—from his life, and he couldn’t do anything at all.

and suddenly, everything turned black. void of colors. there was no empty room, no taeyong, no shackles, no anything. jaehyun was there alone. when he turned around, he saw nothing but black. he extended his arm but barely something slipped on his grip except for emptiness. jaehyun felt his heart might just burst out right there, overwhelming emotion flooded his head. knowing he’s been abandoned, being left, being thrown away—by no other than his treasured person. it hurts more than anything he knew. even though it was merely a dream, it scared jaehyun to death.

he woke up to that. roughly ten minutes ago, his whole body covered in thin layer of sweat, his breath ragged and sight blurry. jaehyun grasps the sheet in hope to calm down his stammering heartbeat down. he wishes it wasn’t so loud, he wishes clutching his fingers to his chest would lower the volume—it, however, doesn’t go as he wished. no matter long jaehyun thinks he has held his breath, it shows no success when a soft tug greets his fingers. the sound resonates from heart to heart, seemingly tickled taeyong’s sensitive sense.

“jaehyun? you awake?” comes from a raspy, low voice beside him. jaehyun instantly turns to the voice-source. and his heart swells.

taeyong is there, right beside him, with lids still shut. jaehyun can feel long slender fingers gently slide to his grip and squeeze them tightly. a ray of sun from their room’s window falls to taeyong’s cheek, highlighting his smooth milky skin. jaehyun can see a trace of small pimples near his jaw that makes him looks humane on top of all, accompanying the scar underneath his closed eye. those little things remind him of taeyong’s existence; that he’s real and he breathes the air just like him, that he’s here and he’s not a hallucination in jaehyun’s messy head.

jaehyun is taken aback, both of his eyes focusing completely on the man beside him. everyone knows taeyong looks like a walking greek sculpture, a piece of art. god himself must’ve spared most of his time on perfecting taeyong, making sure there was no flaw on his godly appearance. jaehyun doesn’t know what did he do on the previous life to have this chance of cradling taeyong close to his arms, keeping this gorgeous man close to his heart.

“you shuud get back to shleep,” taeyong slurs. his voice still thick with lethargy, cheek nuzzling to the warmth of his pillow. jaehyun wants to raise his arm and tuck taeyong’s strands to make a neater look, but he decides not to. taeyong’s bedhead is undeniably adorable and jaehyun would rather see him adorable just for him like this. “last night you came home— late. late. very late... i kno—ow you’re tired. get some rest already...,”

whilst taeyong is trying to form a coherent sentence, his fingers travel up to jaehyun’s inner wrist. tip of fingers grazing on his skin, drawing soft circle to soothe him. which, fortunately, works a lot to ease jaehyun’s tension. how the tiniest thing manages to do magic when it comes to love, jaehyun is left amazed. taeyong is barely awake, nevertheless anything he tries to do works perfectly on jaehyun.

“sorry you had to wait for so long, babe,” jaehyun shifts his weight to his side, admiring his lover’s defined features. one hand finally creeps up, finger grazing the sharp jaw of taeyong’s—feeling the delicate skin under his digit. jaehyun notices a little bump later, in which he smiles on to. “i didn’t even get to eat the food you prepared for me—,”

“shush, jaehyunnie. you talk too much,” taeyong groans, both of his eyes furrows. it sounds like a little kid’s whose sibling has annoyed them for the longest time. it manages to shut jaehyun’s mouth, though. his lips clamped into thin line. “talk later. sleep now.”

that brings a deep chuckle from jaehyun’s throat. the sun is already starting to set high. maybe it’s almost eight or nine am right now but— who cares. if taeyong asks him to sleep then sleep is what he’s gonna do. it’s scary how jaehyun says yes so fast to anything taeyong asks. as far as he realize, he’s never been so enthusiastic to something—someone like this before. it makes him content to know that anything taeyong wants, he’ll make it possible somehow. as long it will keep taeyong happy, he’d do anything. even if one day—one day, taeyong requests jaehyun to jump off from a cliff, jaehyun’d instead ask how tall. how would taeyong want jaehyun to jump, not why does taeyong want jaehyun to jump.

it’s also scary how taeyong can easily do many things to him; makes him feel at home, makes him feel safe and loved. makes jaehyun feel he deserves this life he’s living.

“okay,” jaehyun says. both of his strong arms pull taeyong close, tucking the smaller lad under his chin as he wraps his limbs around him. he hears taeyong whine a little, to which he only replies with a light giggle.

it makes him feel cherished, to have the awareness of someone who he holds on to is still here in his embrace. who knows for tomorrow (jaehyun hopes for eternity), but taeyong is here now. and that’s all what matters. tomorrow jaehyun can wake from another nightmare, and he will see taeyong again, and everything will be fine. jaehyun hasn’t prepared the other possibilites he doesn’t want to think about, but he wants it that way—taeyong being the first thing to see after he wakes up and the last thing to see before sleep.

just less than an hour ago, jaehyun woke up from a haunting nightmare. his whole body felt sore and he was suffocating. all it takes is a little reassurance from taeyong that they’re okay—he’s okay, and no one hasn’t given up yet. jaehyun fluttered his eyes and saw his dazzling lover sleeping soundly with his fingers faintly wrapped around himself. a stripe of sun ray is now dropping on his ear and hair, framing taeyong’s bleached light brown hair.

pretty, godly taeyong. his taeyong.

jaehyun thinks to himself as he drifts to his slumber: today is such a beautiful day.