Archive of Our Own ^beta

It all started with a kiss.

Laying on his stomach on the bed filming an APHINOF video, Dan laughed at Phil’s imitation of a whale shark and rolled over into Phil, jostling him slightly. Phil continued started to chuckle. Dan rubbed his head into Phil’s side lifting up his arms in a clawing motion.

“Rawr X D”, Dan said bringing internet culture slang IRL.

Phil leaned into nuzzling, leaning his head down to make the whale noise into Dan’s ear, and instead shocking both of them by instead kissing Dan’s ear.

Phil lifted his head instantly flustered. Dan stopped for a moment, then made a hard “Ha Ha”, sitting up he continue, “What type of Whale shark makes that noise?” playing off the kiss as a mistake. Looking into Phil’s eyes, Dan’s mouth smirking but his eyes big and hungry for an answer.

“Obviously one scared of pterodactyls!” Phil replied after a beat of staring at Dan.

“Phil! I was a tiger! It said give your best animal interpretation not dinosaur!” joked Dan.

Phil chuckled, reaching for the next question. Moment averted, cut from any video silently, but left in each others memories.

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It continued with careless caress from time to time.

With flour on Phil’s face, Dan running a finger down to clean off. Phil biting his lip and looking away.

Dan cracking a joke about Phil to stop being such a dirty boy.

Phil eating the marshmallows secretly while Dan turns around.

Easier to munch than talk about it.

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After years of dancing around each other, it finally ended.

In a video where they needed to change out of costumes, Phil got distracted mid change by his phone blinking about instagram updates. He sat on the edge of the bed reading about updates to his favorite artists when he feels Dan sit next to him on the bed.

Distracted, he looking up from his phone he sees an equally shirtless Dan in black skinny jeans staring at him intensely.

“Phil”

Phil put down his phone. He sat very still.

Dan leaned in closer.

“Phil, I-”

Phil put his hand over Dan’s on the bed.

“I know.” Dan blinked at Phil speaking, “I’ve known for some time. Last year when you admitted it might be more than joking when you talked about Evan Peters I did say anything. But I hoped you had been less joking when it came to me too” Phil looked down.

Dan smiled and grabbed Phil’s hand tighter. “Phil, that’s not what I was going to say you complete bollock” Phil didn’t react, “I was going to ask if you were ready to shoot a shirtless paint video but obviously” Dan cringed jokingly, “I gave off other signals”.

Phil stood, “Oh. Oh. Maybe, maybe later” He stiffed up and tried to turn away. Dan grabbed Phil’s hand and threw him back onto the bed. Phil laughed his breathy laugh, awkwardly.

Dan straddled Phil’s body leaning face to face, nearly chest to chest to Phil.

“I guess a better question is, are you ready?” Dan said, staring at Phil. Want in the taunt line of his jaw.

Phil grasped the comforter below him and licked his lips, “r-ready for what” he nearly whispered.

“I know you may think I’m the one who needed to open up, but I see how you look at me. Sometimes I see a little more than I think you mean to show” Phil’s eyes look at Dan, tinged with so many emotions, Dan speaks gently, “are you ready to address” he pauses and leans forward gently touching Phil’s boner with his own, “this”.

Dan leans down closer, his face almost leaning on Dan. Phil lets go of the comforter. “I’m ready to try.”

Phil kisses Dan with passion but not force. Running his hands lightly down Dan’s back, trying to feel out as Dan moves in response. They begin grinding, breathing heavy. They take turns on top, Dan much more aggressive but also has the highest pitched moans Phil has ever heard in life.

Enthralled they embrace until finally they each cum. Dan much quicker than Phil, phil requiring a bit more kissing and attention before he finishes as well.

Covered in sweat and drifting slowly out of the haze, they both sit up and take tissues from the side table to clean the mix of cum off themselves individually. Dan breathes heavy and smirks slightly as he admires the tussled mess that is Phil’s hair. Phil’s head is blank but buzzing.

“Hey” Dan calls Phil to look at him, “are you good? Is this ok?”

Phil looks Dan up and down feeling such a draw of love, “yes” Leaning over he kisses Dan lightly on the ear, and then after hesitantly, kisses from Dan’s dimple to his mouth.

They kiss a few more times, each time deeper, before Dan breaks it off. “I need to sleep, see you at breakfast, you horndog” He smiles like they’ve just created a whole new inside joke.

Phil smiled at Dan as he left, and as soon as the door closed, got to work cleaning up the room so he could sleep. They’d left all the camera equipment out and he didn’t like the idea of all those prying eyes just witnessing what Phil didn’t even understand.

As he slipped things away, he didn’t even know how to feel. Half clothed, he felt tingly all over and loved the dank smell of Dan and him mixing together. He hadn’t masturbated in some time and had quite forgotten the experience, or how amazing it was to share it with a person.

But as he changed into his pajamas, ignoring what clinged to his skin, and hopped into bed, all he could feel was like he was missing something. There was a disconnect he couldn’t pinpoint. He fell asleep feeling more alive and confused than he had in years.

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Dan ran a hot shower, scrubbing off all the sweat, getting used to this new feeling in his body. Of success. Of fulfillment.

He felt on fire. He considered changing his brand name. He thought about the trueness of Phil’s name. He thought of this all and the pure exhaustion in his body from trying something so wanted and so new.

It wasn’t until he was laying in bed, ready to sleep that he realized that Dan seemed off. Even though Phil said he was ready and said he enjoyed it, Dan doubted it. Dan doubted himself, maybe he had messed up. He just couldn’t shake this feeling that this groundbreaking night had tilled the wrong garden. He fell asleep filled with worry that he had ruined the only friendship or relationship that ever mattered to him.

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Phil awoke, not thinking of last night, but only of the brand new box of shredded wheats waiting for him. Padding half asleep to the kitchen, he opened the box and began to dig in with his hand when Dan walked in equally half asleep and dead to the world.

Phil suddenly remembered everything and began to choke on the shredded wheat he had just shoved in mass down his throat.

“Phil?” Dan questioned, waking up instantly. Phil continued to choke, and Dan came over and smacked real hard of Phil’s back until his breathing returned to normal.

“That’s what you get for not eating cereal like a normal human being.” Dan laughed returning to his food.

“Must. Consume. All!” Phil robot walks over to Dan pulling him into his arms. Pausing for a moment to find Dan’s hidden smile he’s enjoying it, Phil takes a leap and nibbles on Dan’s ear.

Dan blushes, “PHIL!” He laughs pushing Phil off, secretly thrilled for the attention.

“Last night when I said I was ready, Dan, I meant it” Phil puts the cereal box down on the table, “I’m ready for us” Holding Dan from the back this time he only kisses Dan’s ear. Dan melts into Phil and stops what he’s doing.

“I’m really glad to hear that.” He softly looks up at Phil and they kiss gently. Both scared, both relieved, they stand for a moment, happy.

Until, “Ok Phil. I actually need food. Now please fuck off” pushing Phil away Dan goes back to making breakfast and Phil returns to inhaling his shredded wheats.

With the air cleared they both settle into their habits of love.

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Each day began a new day for them to learn what being Dan AND Phil meant. Small tugs of attention and so much more physical affection. Suddenly more aware of how they looked while recording they almost began to distance each other in front of a camera, but never too much.

It was about a week after their first encounter that Dan laid a hand on Phil’s chest in bed and asked, “Are you ready to try something other than grinding?”. Dan looked with love, and with want.

Phil stayed silent and his heart sank. He knew what Dan wanted and he didn’t think he could give it. Grinding had been ok but he didn’t think he could do more. He had heard Dan talking about how much he loved sex lately, and when Phil overheard that he realized how much he didn’t.
Phil had been aching for weeks alone over the fact that he loved Dan and had for years. But not once did he entertain sex. He just always thought he was sadly straight. Which is why he never tried for Dan, even after Dan basically laid himself out after coming out as Gay. Dan was obviously gay, but Phil did not feel obviously gay at all. In his Uni days Phil had fooled around with and slept with a few guys and a girl. Taken, given, tried so hard. Sometimes it worked out, sometimes he felt so empty the next day. It just never stuck, he’d see the look in his partners eyes and only feel his lack of desire and how wrong he felt sexualized. He resolved he was painfully straight and just really bad at it. He told no one, not even Dan this.

When they slept together the first time (or grinding as Dan called it) Phil was terrified he was going to let Dan down. It took him so much longer to cum but it was so important to Dan he did, so he did. He watched in secret his gay friends vlogs. He watched porn. He wanted to be better for Dan.

He loved the caresses and the kisses and the words and the heat and the nudity and even cumming a bit but the sex part always got him. He was so worried he was just too straight because he didn’t find the thought appealing. But they’d spent a week loving each other in small and big ways, with words and touch and everything else outside of sex, and Phil had never felt more fulfilled.

Phil didn’t even want to try to pretend he could do this anymore. He got out of bed. He put on a coat and his shoes, grabbed his keys and walked out into the cold before Dan fully registered what was going on.

“Phil! What the hell!” Dan had tears in his eyes, as he struggled to get dressed from nakedness to cold weather worthy. Phil had a headstart since he wore pajamas.

Phil wandered out into the street and just started walking. He didn’t know the neighborhood and it was 10 PM but he felt the need to just go. Just go.

He walked briskly for about 15 minutes before he heard a loudmouthed, swearing Dan awkwardly running toward him. “PHIL. WHAT THE BLOODY HELL. WHO THE FUCK.” Dan slips crashing into the sidewalk “ow”.

Phil rushes back, broken out of his haze, “Dan!”

Dan scrabbles his way back to his feet completely fine, ‘PHIL WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE. YOU’RE STILL IN YOUR JIMJAMS WHAT THE FUCK” Dan is furious, hugging his snow covered body. He’s wearing mismatched shoes, which explains the fall.

Phil, eyes large and face pale, replies “I just needed to clear my head, I didn’t think it’d startle yo-”

“BOLLOCKS. NOW you will take me home and make me hot chocolate and explain yourself, or I WILL freeze to death out here, but I’ll take you down first”

Dan glowers at Phil who begins to walk back to their apartment.

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Back inside, warm and dry Dan and Phil sit at their table with some microwave hot chocolate. Dan holding himself as far from Phil as possible.

“Phil,” Dan looks at the mug he’s holding, tears covering his vision, “I get it. You run out right after i ask about sex. I get it. You haven’t said the words. You’re not gay. I get it. You’re just not...” He chokes on the words a little, “you’re just not into me”

Phil looks at Dan, his eyes filled with shame. Dan staring hard at his mug trying to hard to not acknowledge what he thinks is the truth.

“Dan. I’m. I’m really sorry,” he speaks very quietly, shaking slightly, tears forming, “You’re right. I can’t be gay. I can’t give you what you want. I tried and god I want to give you my everything but I can’t pretend again. I can’t pretend to be gay again” Phil looks out the window, flying far away in his thoughts.

“Wait wait hold up” Dan looks up full of confusion, “‘Pretend to be gay again’ what the fuck, that’s not the Phil Lester I know- that I’ve known, you deserve me an explanation in the least.” Dan stares hard at Phil.

Phil continues looking outside as he begins to cry. “Years ago at Uni there was this guy and-” he stops adjusting his cup, “I thought he was everything. I followed him to class, we studied together, I dreamed of his face. One day we slipped from friends to lovers really quick. It was new and amazing and painful and he promised it got easier. But no matter what we did i felt like a visitor in my own body. He dumped me when he left Uni and I didn’t miss it. I dated another guy after that but I found a lot of them just wanted my body, or to talk about it and I didn’t like it. I dated a girl and times with her were nice, but no less painful. But at least she seemed less body focused. So anyways that’s a long way of telling you I’m just a bad straight guy who thought he could love you but clearly I can’t be what you wanted”

Phil got really quiet.
Dan got really quiet and stared at Phil.

“When we aren’t having sex, how do you feel about me Phil Lester”

“I feel whole”

Phil slowly lifts his eyes to look at Dan, “And I apologize for leading you on to feel happy about myself, you deserve better”

Dan stood up and slowly walked over to Phil. “Phil”

“Dan” Phil couldn’t help but respond, even when distressed.

“Do you like hugs”

“Dear lord, yes”

Dan awkwardly leans down and hugs Phil, squeezing him into his chest lightly.

“Phil, I think you’re asexual”

“That’s the exact opposite of what I’m trying to tell you, I’m a BAD sexual”

“No, no Phil” Dan chuckles into Phil’s shoulder, leaning back to speak more clearly, “you’re asexual like the sexuality.”

Phil raises his eyebrow at Dan, “what?”

Dan gets out his phone and pulls up a definition, Dan hands his phone to Phil.

“Asexual - a person who has no sexual feelings or desires.” Phil reads aloud. “Huh.”

“Phil, you’re not broken or a bad straight or a fake gay, you’re a real asexual Phil. And it sounds like you romantically like people but not sexually.” Dan explains.

“What am I then? Straight or gay or asexual?” Phil asks. He never even tried to look up the answers before.

“Philly you can be gay AND asexual. Or bisexual and and asexual in your case. You like the lads and the girls just not in that way” Dan realizes he is awkwardly standing next to Phil and returns to his seat to hold Phil’s hand from across the table.

“I-I’m asexual” It felt like the clouds had just parted in his head. Phil looked at Dan in wonder, putting the phone down and going back to holding Dan’s hands.

“Yes you silly man. You haven’t been pretending. I just didn’t notice.”

“But you’re not asexual” Phil said, feeling the discovered smile slip from his mouth.

“You’re not wrong there” Phil’s eyes droop, “but! I want what we have. I don’t need the sex if it hurts you. I get decide what I need, and I need you not running away in the dead of the night because my willy has a hard on, okay?” Dan asserted, “As we both know I crave love and affection and you clearly want to give that to me. I can just admire my sexy Philly from afar. But are you sure you’re still fine with being me? After I pushed you into all this? We can go back to the Dan and Phil on screen. I understand.” Dan sits up pulling his hands back.

Phil imagines two weeks ago how they just joked and made videos and lived as two people. And this past week how they moved as one, and there was so much less emptiness in his life.

“Daniel Howell, I would want nothing more than you by my side, please."

Dan stood up and walked back over the Phil and pulled him up. Taking his hands in his, he said, “just tell em the truth if you don’t want something. Tell me what you do like. Mr. Lester.” Dan pulls in Phil for a hug.

“I like you” And just to hammer it in, Phil gently kisses Dan’s ear.

“OK PHIL, WE GET IT YOU HAVE AN EAR FETISH. “ Leaning out of the hug Dan askes Phil, “Can I kiss you?”

“Gladly”

And so Dan and Phil live happily, and nerdfully after.