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Something is missing.
The information reaches Reiner's brain before he even gets conscious of the longing in his heart. He stops listening to Eren, who is again babbling about how he's going to wipe out each and every titan – it was funny at first but it got old after a while and now it just makes him quite uncomfortable, and looks around him. The cadets are gathered in the mess for the evening meal, divided into groups of friends. At his table, he sits with Eren, Mikasa, and Armin. Marco is there too as well as Sasha and Connie, and of course Bertholdt.
That's when it strikes him. Someone is missing, not something. Bertholdt is no longer next to him. Reiner is so used to having him close by that he actually felt his absence before even noticing it. The thought is kind of creepy for a reason he cannot yet identify. He tries to listen to Eren again but his anger tires him and judging by Sasha and Connie's expressions is not the only one. He decides to wait for Bertholdt to come back from wherever he is before dragging his best friend to bed with him. But after what feels like an eternity - although it has not been more than twenty minutes, according to the clock - Bertholdt is not back yet and Reiner cannot help a little ball of apprehension to grow in his stomach. He pokes Marco with his elbow and the boy almost jumps. Apparently, he's as bored as the rest of them and this fact reassures Reiner in some way.
“Hey, you seen Bertholdt?”
Marco looks around as if to check that Bert wasn't there somewhere, and shakes his head.
“I saw him go out with his book a while ago.”
Reiner looks towards the door and sighs. Of course, Bertholdt is probably already in bed, comfortably spread across his mattress, reading some obscure book he found God knows where. He smiles and gets up, leaving Eren to his babbles.
It's cold outside. It's not like it's a big surprise, it is November after all, but Reiner cannot help a shiver and hurries towards the dorms. He's already dreaming about his soft and warm blanket and when he's about to go inside, he notices a shape, sitting on a bench, further away. It's tall and a book is open on what looks like to be its knees and Reiner swears between his teeth. He hurries towards it. He already feels that his fingers and nose are about to freeze.
It is Bertholdt. Who else would read outside on a cold November night anyway? Reiner joins him and clears his throat to signal his presence. Bertholdt raises his head from his book, with this expression of complete puzzlement that he usually wears and that Reiner finds kind of adorable.
“What the hell are you doing out there?” Reiner moans. “You'll catch your death.”
Bertholdt shrugs. He's not even wearing a coat, just a jumper and Reiner curses him under his breath. Ok, Bert doesn't suffer from the cold like the rest of them, but it doesn't mean he can't get ill.
“I'm ok.”
“Well, I'm not. Let's go inside.”
Reiner is about to go but Bertholdt doesn't look like he's ready to move. After having sighed as loudly as possible, he turns around and sits on the bench next to his friend. He knows Bert well enough to notice when something is wrong and he's definitely got that miserable expression on his face now.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks.
Bertholdt doesn't express his feelings easily. Reiner first thought it was because he was shy but he later figured out that it was because his dorky friend had no clue about putting words on his emotions. For a guy that spends so much time reading, he's totally useless with words. Not that it matters, really. No one is asking him to write poetry or pronounce speeches, but Reiner hates to see him so sad nonetheless.
“I just felt I needed some fresh air.” he replies after a while. “It's getting a bit overwhelming to hear them talk about how much they want to kill us.”
He lowers his head and Reiner just keeps staring at him, without really knowing what to say. He wouldn't say that it overwhelms him, or upset him for that matter, it's just slightly annoying. But he's much better at the pretending-to-be-one-of-them thing, Bertholdt is not so comfortable with the idea of befriending them and Annie … well, Annie is still Annie, he guesses.
“I guess I just feel lonely sometimes.” Bertholdt continues.
“Hey! You've got me!” Reiner's voice is higher than he's intended it to be.
Bertholdt looks at him and smiles and Reiner feels his heart melt a bit. This smile is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen and … He stops himself dead in his tracks. Ok, Bert is cute when he smiles but there's no need to get carried away. He shivers a bit more. Actually, he cannot feel his fingers anymore and his toes are starting to feel the same, despite his socks and boots. Bertholdt seems to notice and passes his arm around his shoulder. Reiner can feel his friend's hand on his jaw and his skin is so hot it makes him forget the cold for like five seconds.
“Are you cold?”
“No. I'm fucking freezing.”
“Come here.”
Bertholdt comes closer so Reiner is trapped in a warm and soft embrace and he cannot help but sigh with pleasure. He can still feel the cold on his face but his hands are now buried into Bertholdt's and it feels just great. The heat radiating from his friend's body is comfortable. It's alive and familiar and so Bert, and it reminds him a bit of home. He closes his eyes. He doesn't really know how long they remain in this position because he feels so good that he's actually half falling asleep.
“I think I love you.”
At first, he's not sure he's heard anything, really. It could just be the wind after all. However the wind rarely makes love declaration out of the blue, but then again, neither does Bertholdt. He opens his eyes and suddenly, his current position doesn't feel so comfortable. He frees himself from his friend's embrace to have a proper look at him. Bertholdt is not looking at him and despite the darkness, he can still see him blush. Reiner frowns. What has he heard? I think I love you? What does that even mean? He blinks rapidly, a little too shocked to express a coherent answer. Bertholdt clears his throat and moves further away clumsily enough to make his book fall on the ground. He hurries to pick it up and proceeds to check that it's not dirty or anything.
Obviously, Bertholdt means it in a brotherly kind of way. They're best friends after all. Reiner sighs, relieved and scoffs at himself. That's the first thing he should have thought about, not jump directly to the conclusion that his friend was into the kissing-and-sex-stuffs kind of love. He pats Bertholdt on the shoulder with a grin on his face.
“I love you too, man.”
Yeah, that was weird to just say something like that, but Bert is a bit odd sometimes. Reiner gets up. Now that Bertholdt is not wrapped around him, he's freezing again and kind of tired to be perfectly honest. But Bertholdt doesn't move. He just sits there, staring down at his book like it's the most intereting thing in the world. Maybe it is, after all, Reiner doesn't even know what it's about. He thinks he should ask Bertholdt. Bert loves when Reiner asks him about what he's reading and Reiner loves the excited light in Bert's eyes when he starts to explain the plot and the characters. It makes him feel all warm in his heart and that's the best feeling in the world.
“Come on, Bert. I'm cold.”
“You don't understand.”
Why won't Bertholdt look at him? Doesn't he know it's better to look at someone when you're having a conversation? Reiner turns towards his friend and comes to stand in front of him. So, clearly, there's something else on Bert's mind. He could easily get annoyed at him right now – he would get mad at anyone making him stay out in the cold when all he wants to do is to go to bed – but he can never get annoyed at Bertholdt. That's something he's learned a long time ago and it never ceases to amaze him. Not that Bert is usually a pain, on the contrary, but he has his moments and somehow, Reiner always finds the patience to talk him into confessing what is really on his mind. That's kind of his superpower. That and being the armoured titan, of course.
“Then explain it to me.”
He kneels down in front of his friend to force him to look at his face. There is a long, awkward silence during which Bertholdt doesn't say anything. He just looks utterly freaked out and keeps fidgeting with his hands. Reiner doesn't know what else to say because usually, this move is enough to make his friend talk. He's also freezing cold and his teeth start chattering desperately. It seems to wake Bertholdt up.
“You're cold.”
Yeah, no surprise there. He kneels too in front of Reiner and takes him into his arms. Reiner feels the heat coming from all around him and his body relaxes a bit. But as much as he enjoys being in Bert's arms, he'd much prefer to be in bed.
“Bert, you'll have to tell me because I'm not staying out there all night.”
In this position, he can't see Bertholdt's face but he clearly feels him sigh. He briefly wonders if he's bothering him with his question and his being cold. But before he has the time to complain, Bert starts to talk very quietly but it doesn't matter because his mouth is close to Reiner's ear and he can hear him loud and clear.
“I don't know how else I can say that. I guess I'll need to give you more details but I'm so scared that you'll freak out and hate me that I don't know if I'll be able to.”
Reiner wants to say something because he's starting to be a bit worried now.
“It actually helps that I can't see your face so please don't move. And don't say anything until I'm finished.”
Yeah, that's not reassuring at all. Reiner keeps this thought for himself. There is this part of him that knows what Bertholdt is about to say but he doesn't want to accept it, not until he has clear proof of it, and he just shuts the idea at the back of his mind, very far away.
“You're the most important person in my life, Reiner. We've been best friend since forever, you're like my brother and I care about you. A lot. I know that up until this point, we're on the same page. But lately, I've had these … feelings for you. Pain in my heart when you look at Krysta, warmth in my stomach when you talk to me, this sense of dread when you get close to me because I would like to get even closer but I don't know if you want to. I know it all sounds very cliché but … I think … I've fallen in love with you. And I tried to convince myself that it wasn't that, that it would pass. But it didn't and I know it's wrong because you're a guy and you're my friend but I can't help being attracted to you.”
Reiner's mind is a blur. Bertholdt has spoken the last sentences very quickly like he wanted to be done with it, and if Reiner has heard the words clearly enough, his brain doesn't seem to be able to make any sense out of them. (I've fallen in love with you.) His body feels heavy, his heart is beating faster than it has ever had and he's sweating despite the cold. He would like to free himself to look at Bertholdt and maybe make some sense out of his words (I've fallen in love with you) but Bert is holding him so tight that he cannot move. They stay like that for a while until Reiner finally forces his way out of this embrace. (I've fallen in love with you.) He falls backward on his back and stays in this position for a moment, observing the black sky above him. Finally, he sits up to find Bertholdt in the same position, looking positively terrified. The first thought that comes through Reiner's mind at this moment is that he doesn't like this expression on his friend's face. Bertholdt's face is made to look bewildered at all time, not sad, and for some reason, Reiner makes it his mission to make him smile because that smile is worth anything. Really anything. He moves closer and puts his mouth on Bertholdt's lips and when he moves back again five seconds later, the smile is not back but Bertholdt has this surprised look on his face again and at this moment Reiner understands what it all means.
“Ok.” he says.
Probably it's not the kind of answer Bert was expecting because one of his eyebrows rises and he looks more confused than ever. Reiner gets up, it's really not comfortable on the ground and it doesn't take Bertholdt long to do the same.
“What?”
Reiner doesn't know what he's going to say. But he understands now that what he's been feeling for Bert may have been a little bit more than friendship. Who finds their friends cute anyway? But it's not a big deal, not for him, because kissing him before has felt so right. Like a warm afternoon laziying in the sun kind of right.
“I can't honestly tell you that I've fallen for you too Bertholdt.”
Bert looks sad again and Reiner bits his lips.
“But I love this smile of yours, I love that expression you have on your face half of the time, I love waking up next to you in the morning and discovering a new position almost every day, I love having you behind me at all times. I think we've reached this point when we're a little bit more than friends and I don't know what it is yet but I'm happy to make this journey with you.”
Bertholdt's eyes open wide and, yes, there it is. The smile is back and Reiner cannot help a smirk. He finds his way back into Bert's arms because he's still freaking cold and it just feels like home. Reiner lets his head lie on his friend's (boyfriend?) shoulder and closes his eyes. It should feel weird thinking that he'll be doing the kissing-and-sex-stuffs with Bertholdt now but it doesn't and he even feels a thread of aniticipation thinking about it. Especially the sex-stuffs. He opens his eyes again and kisses Bert in the neck. He feels him shiver at the touch and wonders for a second if Bertholdt is finally cold.
When they separate, Bertholdt kisses him. It's different from the first time because now they're both taking part in it and feeling Bert's lips move against his and his breath on his tongue is the closest thing to happiness he's ever felt. Eventually, Bertholdt picks up his book and agrees to go back inside. As they walk back, Reiner looks up at him. Something is missing. He grabs his friend's (boyfriend – he needs to get used to the thought) hand and kisses his fingers and everything becomes perfect again because Bertholdt is smiling.