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Chapter Text

At 8 a.m on the 10th of March of his seventh year at Hogwarts, Sirius’ pillow started vibrating. He quickly sat up on his bed, confused as to why his pillow was acting so strangely. Then he remembered what day it was.

He reached under the pillow and retrieved his wand, shaking it to stop the vibration. He never used that spell to wake up in the mornings because it was usually Moony who woke up all of them, but today he wanted it to be the other way around.

Trying not to make any noise (Remus was a light sleeper), he stood up and tiptoed to Moony’s bed. He opened the bed curtains as slowly as he could.

Remus was lying on his back, the soft rays of the morning sun painting his hair gold, and his chest rising and falling at a calming pace. Sirius found himself staring at Remus’ neck and the long scar that went all the way up to his left ear. He stared at it quite a lot, if he was honest with himself. In some twisted way, there was something that simply fascinated him about his friend’s scars, although Sirius would never admit that outloud; it would sound as if he wouldn’t give everything in his power not to see one more scar appear in Remus’ skin.

He was brought back to reality when Remus raised a hand to his face to protect his eyes from the light streaming through the window. Sirius smiled, and before the other boy woke up completely, he transformed into Padfoot as he launched himself at the bed.

“Sirius!” exclaimed Remus, already laughing as the big black dog jumped excitedly on the bed. He grunted when Padfood let himself fall on top of his chest. “Merlin, Pads, you’re not a fucking puppy”

In response, Pads started licking Remus’ face. The boy squeaked, laughing and trying to push the dog away. But he wasn’t really trying, even the dog could perceive that.

You see, being an animagus was weird as shit. When Sirius transformed into Padfoot, it was not only his body that changed. Suddenly, he had incredibly sharp senses of hearing and smelling, although he could not see colours. His thoughts, too, altered; they were simpler, narrower. Worries that he did not even realised he had were suddenly gone, and things like time, space and reason lost all its meaning. The only thing left were very strong feelings, familiar names and faces, and uncomplicated thoughts.

Right now, for instance, Padfoot’s world was reduced to the boy below him. He had one mission and it was to make Moony happy. He jumped and barked and kissed, and was rewarded with patting and smiling and kissing.

The dog didn’t have memories, he didn’t remember who Remus was, only that he was a friend. He could recognize his friends not by their blurry black-and-white faces, but by the way they smelt.

Padfoot buried his nose in Remus’ side. Far away in a small corner of his brain, Sirius provided the animal with the words:

Paper

Ink

Books

Wolf

Earth

Chocolate

Sex

At that, the little piece of Sirius in the dog’s head pushed to the surface so strongly that Padfoot began to transform back. Sirius calmed down, though, and transmitted his interest in the last smell so that the dog would keep investigating.

“Pads?” asked the boy, frowning at him. “Are you alright?”

Padfoot barked in response, and buried his nose in Remus’ neck.

“Oh wait, that tickles!”

The dog sniffed. Sex, sweat, vanilla. Vanilla?

“Sirius, stop humping the birthday boy, please,” said another voice to his side.

Sirius pushed to the surface completely and felt himself turn human. Two seconds later, he found himself sprawled across the bed and on top of Remus, who was trying to clean the dog saliva from his face with the cuff of his pajama shirt.

“You’re just jealous I got to kiss him first,” said Sirius to James. He turned and planted a loud kiss on Moony’s cheek. “Happy birthday, Moonbeam”

“Yeah, happy birthday,” echoed James, ruffling his hair.

“Thanks”

“Where were you last night?” blurted out Sirius. Remus hesitated for a second, and Sirius saw a light blush paint his cheeks.

“In the library, as usual,” replied the boy. He squirmed below Sirius and sat up on the bed. “Why?”

Sirius felt something twist in his chest. Why are you lying? He wanted to ask.  

“Supposed so,” he said instead. He faked a smirk. “If you keep staying on the library so long at night I’m gonna start thinking you got an affair with Pince”

Remus shoved him off the bed.

“Why are you acting so weird?”

“Huh?” Sirius forced himself to stop staring at Remus’ back, turning to look at James.

“You’ve been staring at Moony’s neck all class,” he whispers, even though half of the students are chatting among themselves as Professor Binns mumbles about the Vampire Uprising of 1897. “You were practically interrogating him yesterday morning, and then at lunch, and no, you’re not being subtle at all. What’s gotten into you?”

“I didn’t…” he sighed. He loved James, but sometimes it was annoying that he knew Sirius so well. “I think he’s lying to us”

“About what?” asked James, frowning.

“Well, not lying really… hiding. I think he’s hiding something, but I don’t see why” he stuttered. He looked around, making sure no one was paying attention to them. “You know how you can smell things, when you turn into Prongs. Like, a lot of specific smells”

“Yeah,” said James dreamily. He was probably remembering that time he stole one of Lily’s knickers, guessed Sirius. It was a difficult image to shake off, when you found a stag lying on a bed with its nose buried on a pair of pink girl underwear.  

“Right, so, yesterday I… when I transformed into Pads and woke up Remus…”
“What did you smell on him?” James spoke louder, his eyes wide open, and some students turned around to look at them. Sirius waited until they had lost interest. He leaned closer to his friend.

“I…” He squirmed on his seat and felt himself blush. That’s ridiculous, he thought, he does not blush . “Sex. I smelt sex on him, Prongs”

James gaped at him, and then he started laughing.

“Oh Merlin, oh…” he said, panting. More students looked at them and Sirius urged James to calm down. He saw Remus throw them a glance, and then turn back to keep chatting with Lily.

Lily. He chatted an awful lot with Lily, now that he thought about it. Could she…? No, no, he wouldn’t, right?

“I can’t believe Moony fooled us all!” exclaimed Prongs. “Acting all innocent, staying late at the library, studying .” He shook his head, still smiling. “Genius!”

“Why would he lie, though?” asked Sirius bitterly.

“I don’t know. Maybe he’s hooking up with someone we don’t like? Or someone older?” James’ smirk intensified. “Maybe he is hooking up with Pince”

Sirius screwed up his face.

“Anyway, I want to know too but it’s his business,” continued James. “He’ll tell us when he wants us to know”

“Yeah,” replied Sirius half-heartedly.

Remus would’ve never told them about his furry little problem if Sirius hadn’t found out and corned him in the hallways. Looking back at it now, it did seem as if Sirius forced Remus to spill out his secrets, but Sirius’ intentions were always good; he wanted to show Remus he could trust his friends, he could trust Sirius . This wasn’t different.

Except it was, because he understood why Remus wouldn’t have told them about his condition, but why not tell them about some bird he was snogging? Was he embarrassed? Was she a Slytherin? Was she mean? Was she Lily?

The class ended and everyone stood up. Sirius glanced at Remus, who gathered his books and walked towards the door, still talking with Lily.

Sirius had an idea.

He stood up from his seat and quickly made his way to Remus, ignoring James’ warning look.

“Hey,” he said. Remus smiled at him. Lily kind of smiled at him as well.

They walked together down the hallway, James following close behind. Contrary to his usual behaviour, Sirius walked next to Lily instead of Remus. She was still engaged in her conversation with Moony about some stupid girly novel, and Sirius took the opportunity. He subtly leaned closer to the girl and sniffed.

She noticed, and frowned at him.

“Did you just smell my hair?” she asked.

“No?” Sirius swallowed. “Yes. You-you smell nice today”

She seemed to be repressing a laugh. “Thanks, I guess. But don’t do that again”

“Okay”

Remus threw him a curious look. Sirius slowed down until James caught up with him.

“Why are you smelling my girlfriend?” he asked, amused.

“Not your girlfriend”

And not Moony’s either, he thought to himself. Unless Lily changed her perfume today.

The ball of parchment hit James on the ear.

Whos the blonde bird behind u? shes staring at him all class

He frowned at Sirius, who made an insisting gesture from across the classroom. McGonagall had separated them that class because they wouldn’t stop talking; or, more precisely, Sirius wouldn’t stop complaining about the Remus thing and James was unfortunately sat next to Sirius. In fact, James was glad the teacher had separated so he hadn’t had to offend his friend by voluntarily moving to the other side of the room.

He took a piece of parchment, wrote something down, and enchanted it to fly quickly towards Sirius. The boy caught it mid-air.

Lucy Chang, she’s got a boyfriend I think. And you’re being creepy

A second note fell in James’ lap seconds later.

See if she smells like vanilla

James didn’t know whether to worry or laugh at his friend’s obsession. Maybe he should warn Moony, he thought. But he was kind of curious to see where Sirius’ little investigation led. He sighed, and turned around.

“Hey, Lu,” he said, giving her his most innocent smile. “Do you have an extra piece of parchment I could borrow?”

This time he enchanted the note to fly directly into Sirius’ ear.

No. Some flower I think. Not vanilla. Now leave me alone u weirdo

James groaned for the third time in a minute. “Why do you care so much? Can’t you just be happy for him?”

Sirius let himself fall on the couch, stretching his legs over James’. “Well, if I were shagging someone and didn’t want to tell you, wouldn’t you want to know why?”

James snorted. “There’s no way you’re shagging someone and not telling the whole of Gryffindor”

Sirius kicked him.

“Fine, fine,” admitted James. “I guess I’d be curious. But you’re not curious, Pads. You’re upset, I can tell the difference”

He wanted to deny it, like he had been denying it to himself for the last few days, but this was Prongs. He could lie to himself, but he couldn’t lie to James. Besides, maybe his friend would be able to tell him why he was so upset at the idea of Moony liking someone. Now, he wasn’t stupid, there was a very plausible explanation that had crossed his mind the night before. But just thinking about it made him feel sick; he hoped James knew him well enough to get it without having to hear Sirius say it outloud.

His friend, as usual, didn’t disappoint.

“Don’t you think, maybe…” James mumbled. “Maybe, and please don’t get angry, but maybe you’re just jealous?”

Sirius swallowed hard. “Jealous as in he’s my friend and I want all the attention for myself”

Prongs sighed, probably feeling the impact his next words would have. “Jealous as in you want to be the one he’s shagging”

An awkward silence followed. Sirius debated in his mind whether he wanted to respond at all, or whether he should simply let the conversation end there and try to ignore the whole thing until it went away.

James decided for him. He placed a comforting hand on Sirius’ knee. “Listen, Pads” he said, and his voice was so full of affection that the big not-so-secret part of Sirius’ brain which was constantly seeking James’ approval let out a sigh of relief. “I don’t care. I mean, I care that you’re hurting but I don’t care that you like him. Or that you like blokes. You know that, right?”

“I don’t know if I like blokes, though,” he whispered. He hadn’t felt this nervous since the moment the Sorting Hat had touched his head. “I’d just never thought about it, because I do like girls, you know. But…”

“But you like Moony.” James gave him a sad smile.

“I… yeah, I think so.” He groaned in frustration. “I don’t know, I just know that apparently I can’t stand the thought of him kissing or shagging or looking at someone too long, and I maybe perhaps wouldn’t mind it if that someone was me”

James stared at him, biting his lip, which was something he did a lot when he was thinking. “You know, maybe he didn’t tell us because…”

“Hey,” said a voice behind the couch. “Have any of you seen my Runes book?”

Sirius was still sprawled on the coach, his legs on James’ lap. Prongs could feel his friend’s body tense up. “No, maybe you left it in the library?”

Remus shrugged and headed towards the portrait door.

“Where are you going?” asked Sirius, his voice shaking slightly. Moony frowned at him.

“Library. I’ve to write an Ancient Runes essay for next Monday”

As soon as Remus was out of the room, Sirius stood up.

“Where are you going?” inquired James with a warning tone.

Sirius muttered something he couldn’t catch. “What?”

“I’m going to follow him,” he said, this time a bit louder.

“Sirius, no”

“I swear I just need to find out who it is, then I can hate her in silence and never bother him again,” he insisted. He set towards the stairs and James followed behind. “I’m using the cloak”

“I’ll go with you, then”

“No”

“Yes, you’re using my cloak, you can’t stop me”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want you to hit someone, that’s why.” They entered the bedroom, and Sirius started rummaging around in James’ trunk for the invisibility cloak. “Or throw yourself from the Astronomy Tower, for that matter”

“I’m not going to do anything, Prongs, I just need to know why he won’t tell me about her”
“How do you know she’s a she, anyway?” asked James, the thought just occurring to him. Apparently Sirius hadn’t considered the possibility either, because he turned around with the cloak in his hands to look at James hopefully. But then he seemed to realise something, and shook his head.

“Which bloke do you know of that smells of fucking vanilla ?”

James squeaked when Sirius stepped on his foot. “We’re too old for this”

“You’ve just been having too much pie,” commented Sirius, and he grunted when James punched him hard in the shoulder.

They had followed Remus using the map, and had been surprised to find out that he was actually going to the library. Now they stood outside, trying to figure a way they could both fit under the cloak.

“What if we just go in and sit with him? We’ll say we’re writing the Potions essay or something,” James suggested.

“Us, studying, in the library, at night? Come on, he’s too smart, he’d never buy that”

“Oh, he’s too smart , isn’t he?” mocked Prongs, smiling deviously. “I can’t believe I didn’t see it before, you’re fucking smitten”

Now it was James who got punched in the arm.

“Come on, let’s go then” he sighed, pushing his glassed up his nose.

“We can’t go together, we won’t fit”

“We did last time, remember? You know how,” insisted James.

Sirius cursed himself for blushing. “We’re not doing that”

“Why?” Prongs was either very innocent or taking the piss out of Sirius.

“You know why!”

“I’m honestly confused”

Sirius shook his head in disbelief. “I’m not explaining to you why pressing against you under the cloak is a bad idea”

“ Oh .” James looked at him with his eyes wide open. Then he frowned. “But why is it different now? It’s not like you weren’t already bent last week just cause you didn’t know it”

“Fine, whatever,” he accepted reluctantly. James was right after all. Why would knowing about it change anything? He moved around to stood in front of his friend, who pressed his chest to Sirius’ back as he threw the cloak over them. The cloth barely covered their feet, but if they walked really slowly and without separating an inch they could maybe get away with it.

James pushed even closer and Sirius cursed, feeling James’ hips against his own. He heard his friend snort against his ear.

“You’re doing it on purpose!”

“I’m not, I swear” denied James, but he couldn’t stop laughing. He lowered his voice, whispering in Sirius’s ear. “Try not to imagine I’m Moony”

“I fucking hate you so much”

Remus was studying. He was actually, honestly writing a freaking essay in the library on a Friday night. Sirius almost wished he’d found him making out with some bird on a hidden corner (although not really).

He felt James’ lips against his ear. “You think it’s him?”

“I mean, if a boy is going to smell of vanilla ,” he muttered under his breath, “of course it’s got to be a fucking Huffie”

“He’s pretty fit, though,” commented James.

Sirius raised his eyebrows, although he knew James couldn’t see his face. “Something you wanna tell me, Prongs?”

The boy snorted, and Sirius could feel James’ chest shaking against his back. “I don’t know, I’m quite enjoying our current position”

He decided to ignore the comment for his own sanity, and concentrated on watching Remus. He and the Hufflepuff boy were sat on the same table, facing each other. There were piles of books around them and they were both going through them and writing.

“Maybe they’re just mates,” he whispered. And then he saw it.

Slowly, but clearly intentionally, Remus moved his right foot across the floor until he touch the other boy’s. He slided the foot up the boy’s leg a bit, and then rested it on the floor again. Sirius saw them raise their heads from the table and stare at each other. He could see Remus smirk proudly, and felt as if one thousand rocks had dropped in his stomach.

“Are you okay?” He felt James’ hand curl on his arm.

Sirius was not going to cry. That was not something Sirius Black did, ever, not when his mother kicked him out of the house, definitely not when he realised his stupid little crush was not reciprocated.

He bit his tongue, tore his gaze away from Remus, and set towards the door.

He might have forgotten James was attached to his back.

Chapter Text

Sirius had dated one girl for two months in fifth year, Violet, who was from Hufflepuff. She was pretty, funny, smart… and a lesbian. She was the first girl that put her hands down Sirius’ pants, although they hadn’t got very far before she run away crying. She had come out to him the next day, and at the moment he had been stupid enough to get angry at her, pretending to feel used when he was actually hurt because she had rejected him. Now he understood how ignorant he had been, how he must have hurt her with his words; and yet, she had been so nice . She had hugged him, and apologized, and told him she hoped he could come to understand her one day. She had been so nice that Sirius had been left open-mouthed, unable to understand why she hadn’t shouted back at him.

He did understand now what it felt like to discover a part of yourself you hadn’t known was there. What he still didn’t understand after all this time was that Hufflepuff tendency to be so fucking nice to people that were clearly, extremely and irrationally angry at you.

“Are you okay?” the boy asked, offering Sirius a hand. He had walked quickly towards them as soon as they had fallen, the cloak slipping off of them and revealing their presence. Thankfully, Madam Pince had been too far away to see them.

Sirius shifted to get James off his back and promptly stood up, ignoring the boy’s hand. As soon as he stood near the Hufflepuff, the scent of vanilla filled his nostrils. He felt hot anger boil up inside him.

“We’re fine, we’re just…” began James, standing up with a grunt of pain.

“What are you doing here? And why were you hiding?” interrupted Remus, who had also walked towards them and stood close to the Hufflepuff boy.

“We-we just...” hesitated James. “We found your book! Um, your Runes book”

“Oh, you did? Where is it then?”

James cleared his throat loudly. “Lost it on the way”  

Remus threw the Hufflepuff an amused glance. They both seemed to be holding back a laugh. Sirius didn’t like that shared look at all. Sharing meaningful looks was what Remus and Sirius did. How long had these two been dating if they could already communicate like that?

“You lost it, did you?” said Remus, unable to contain a smile. “I suppose the person who actually owns it will be very confused tomorrow then, since Ben had mine. Took it by mistake last night. So you better go back to look for that other book”

It was obvious that he didn’t buy their excuse at all, but Sirius was relieved he didn’t keep inquiring about the cloak. He wasn’t about to admit to spying on Remus in front of Ben .

“Who are you, then?” he heard himself ask. Why was he asking? He didn’t want to know one more thing about this bloke. He should be heading towards his bedroom to begin an unavoidable cycle of wanking to fantasies of Remus returning his feelings.

“Ben Campbell.” He showed them a dashing smile. The son of a bitch was nice and handsome.

Sirius might or might not have growled at him.

“Nice to meet you!” interrupted James in a high-pitched voice. “So you’re… You’re Remus’... study mate, ha, friend, something”

Remus stared wide-eyed at Prongs, as an intense red coloured his cheeks. “We usually study Runes together, yes. Since none of you are taking the subject”

“Very convenient,” muttered Sirius.

“Sorry?”

Ben put a hand on Remus’ back, and Sirius felt his throat tighten.

“It’s okay, Rem,” said the Hufflepuff. Sirius didn’t like how he shortened Remus’ name; it was a beautiful name and Remus already had a nickname. The boy looked at Moony. “I think they know, and… As I just told you I’ve made up my mind and it’s okay, you can tell them”

Remus smiled at Ben and turned to his friends again. He didn’t look at Sirius, though, fixing his eyes on James.

“I’m…,” he began, and for a fraction of a second his eyes moved to Sirius. It was so quick Padfoot would’ve missed it if he weren’t staring at his friend so intensely, wishing with all his might that this conversation would end already. Then Remus focused his attention on James once more. “We’re dating. Ben and I. Have been since the summer”

The silence that followed Moony’s words would have made Madam Pince proud.

Again, it was James who spoke first. Sirius was too occupied fantasizing about punching Ben in the face.   

“Nice,” he said, nodding and pushing his glasses up his nose.  

Ben snorted, and Remus smiled at him. “So…,” said their friend, “I’m gay”

“Can see that, yeah,” replied James. “Good for you”

“Thanks?”

“You know, I’ve been doing a bit of exploration myself and I think…” began Prongs, with a hand on his chest.

“For fuck’s sake,” cursed Sirius. “I’m so very happy for you Remus. Let’s go.” He grabbed James by the sleeve of his robes and pulled him towards the door.

Two weeks. That’s how long Sirius endured Ben’s existence without freaking out.

During those weeks, he heard Moony talk incessantly about Ben. He heard him tell the story about how this family moved to the house next door during the summer; about how he had met their son, and eventually discovered that not only was Ben gay and very interested in Remus, he was also magical and transferring from Beauxbatons to Hogwarts. He watched Remus come out to more people (apparently, he had been waiting for Ben to be ready to come out as well), and swallowed his impotence when Ben asked Moony to go to the next Hogsmeade trip with him, on a formal date, which they had never had before.

Sirius suffered through all this with the most neutral expression he could manage. He did not even try to pretend to be interested in Remus’ relationship, though, and he realised by his friend’s expression how much this hurt him. At some point, Sirius’ bitterness became so obvious that he was convinced Moony knew of his feelings, and that the hurt in his eyes whenever he looked at Sirius was in fact pity . Knowing Remus, he probably felt guilty for not returning Sirius’ feelings.

Sirius tried to convince himself that this would pass, that he would get over it, that he simply needed to find someone else to occupy his mind on. He almost managed it. And then Remus, stupid hypocrite innocent nerdy Remus asked them without blushing in the slightest if he could ‘make use’ of the bedroom for a few hours on Saturday night since it was his and Ben’s anniversary or some shit. And Sirius freaking lost it.

He lost it. There was no other way to describe it.

Before James could make some idiotic joke about what exactly Remus needed the bedroom for, Sirius stormed off. He left the common room and rushed down a hallway, wishing for the first time in his life that Filch would catch him and give him detention. He didn’t even know where to go.

He wandered aimlessly around the gloomy castle; the soft light of the torches and the moonlight coming through the window only deepened his sadness. Somehow, his feet took him to the Astronomy Tower, and he decided that was as good a place as any to kill some time.

“Sirius!” shouted a voice behind him. James looked at him from the bottom of the stairs, panting and with a worried expression clear on his face. He threw Sirius a weak smile, probably trying to lighten the situation. “You’re not gonna jump from the tower, are you? I mean, I know you’ve been quite the drama queen lately but that’d be too much, even for you“

“Oh, fuck off, Prongs”

“Wait!”

He heard James climb the stairs behind him. Sirius ignored him and walked into the circular room, strolling towards the edge. When the cold air of the night hit him he started shivering, so he grabbed his wand and casted a simple warming spell around him.

“You’re starting to worry me, you know” murmured James behind him. The boy walked to his side, his eyes fixed on Sirius who simply shrugged in response. “I want to help you, and I don’t know how...”

“I don’t need help” he snapped. “You can’t help me because I don’t need help. I need time, because I am going to get over this… over him. It’s just a stupid fucking crush”

“Except it’s not”

Sirius felt a tug in his chest. He didn’t want to continue this conversation; he didn’t want to talk about his feelings. It was not like him. He’d always boxed up his feelings  and tucked them under false laughs and over-the-top pranks. The technique had worked so far, so why did it feel like he was going to explode if he kept all these emotions inside?

“It can’t be more than that. I can’t…” His voice broke, and he felt tears form in his eyes. “I can’t love him, Prongs. I had never thought about blokes in that way, I had never thought about Remus in that way, how can all these fucking feelings just appear out of nowhere?”

James turned to look at the dark fields that extended below them. “You know, in fourth year I thought you were in love with Remus”

Sirius’ eyebrows shot up in surprise. “What?”

“I mean, I didn’t know how to call it back then, but the way you obsessed over the idea of becoming Animagi for Moony… Do you remember that big fight we had? Because I always had Quidditch practice when you wanted to go to the library to do research?” James threw him a guilty glance. “I was jealous. Of course, eventually I realised I was being a selfish prat, but at first I was so jealous, because all you talked about was how happy this would make Remus when we told him, and how we could help him, and you didn’t even care that we were failing classes because your little project took up so much time”

“I didn’t realise…,” began Sirius.

“I know.” James chuckled. “That’s the fucking point. You were blind to everything but Moony, you’ve sort of been like that since then. And I don’t care, I understood your excitement as soon as I saw Moony’s expression when we told him. But I also understood that year that you love him differently than you love me”

“You know I’d do anything for you! If you were a werewolf I’d also…”

“Merlin, Pads, I’m not blaming you for anything,” insisted James. He grabbed Sirius by the shoulders. “Listen, it didn’t occur to me before that you might love Remus as more than a friend. But even then I could see you cared for him in a different way, that your relationship was more… intense. I don’t know how to explain it.” He shook his head, letting go of Sirius. “You think these feelings come from nowhere but I think they’ve always been there, you just were too distracted thinking about Remus to realise how much you were thinking about Remus”

James’ last words stirred something in Sirius’ mind, and suddenly everything just clicked.

He had always been in love with Remus. It explained everything: how he used to cry every full moon thinking about his friend being in pain, how he mastered every healing spell in his power to care for Moony the day after, how he didn’t rest until becoming an animagus, how he didn’t care about girls or snogging or any of the things James started to care about until a girl asked him out and he felt obliged to accept. And, of course, he was a teenager, so he dated girls and made use of Prong’s secret magazines, but he tended to lose interest in both of them quite quickly. He even remembered a conversation he had apparently repressed, but which now presented itself in his mind with amazing detail. James and him had been talking about the girls they thought about when wanking (so really they had been talking about Lily and whoever Sirius was dating that week), when James had asked out of the blue:

“Who do you reckon Moony thinks about?”

Sirius had frozen completely, the Firewhiskey bottle touching his lips. He had lowered it, gaping at his friend who was still waiting for an answer.

“I’ve never… maybe he doesn’t…” he had stuttered, and then dismissed the question with some joke he could no longer remember.

He had been utterly confused at that moment, unable to understand what was wrong with him, why the idea of Moony in that situation, in any sexual situation, stirred in him feelings he couldn't quite put a name to.

He could name those feelings now.

“Oh fuck, I’m in love with him,” he concluded, throwing James a desperate look. “What do I do now?”

James seemed to consider his question. “I think you should tell him,” he stated.

“What for? He doesn’t like me in that way”

“You don’t know that”

“He’s got a boyfriend,” Sirius huffed irritably.

“Well it’s not like he has a girlfriend,” Prongs insisted. “You know he likes blokes, but he doesn’t know you do as well. Maybe he never considered the possibility. Doesn’t mean he won’t be interested”

“He’s got a boyfriend ,” repeated Sirius.

“He’s not fucking married!”

Sirius shook his head. “He’ll reject me and it’ll ruin the Marauders, don’t you care about that?”

James let out an exasperated sigh. “Of course I care about the Marauders! You are a marauder, and I care about you! And I know you. If you don’t tell him you’ll just get more and more depressed and you’ll push him away”

“You know I’ll do the same when he rejects me”

“ If he rejects you, which he won’t do”

Now Sirius was getting really annoyed. “You can’t know that! And what do you know about feelings anyway? You’ve been going after Lily for years and you still can’t get it into your thick head that she doesn’t like you like that”

James stared at him, a look of complete hurt in his eyes. Sirius immediately felt guilty, but he couldn’t erase his words, and he saw the hurt in James’ gaze transform into anger.

“At least I have the balls to try,” he spat. He turned around and stalked out of the room, leaving Sirius shivering as the last remains of the warming spell faded out.

Chapter Text

Remus watched James storm off behind Sirius and bit his lip, barely able to contain the tears that threatened to spill down his cheeks.

Was Sirius really that angry with him?

“Fuck him,” he cursed under his breath. He sat down on the couch and put his head between his knees, trying to calm down his breathing.

It hurt, it hurt so much. He knew he shouldn’t care, that he had nothing to feel guilty about, but since when did logic stop him? Being a werewolf wasn’t his fault either, yet he’d been hating himself for it all his life. Why would being gay be any different?

“Remus?” said a voice behind him. He felt a gentle hand on his back, and someone sat next to him in the couch. He turned to Lily, wiping the tears from his eyes. “God, Remus, what’s wrong?”

“I’m fine,” he said, but his voice broke. Lily threw her arms around him, and he buried his face in her hair, grateful for the hug, even though he felt quite embarrassed by her seeing him in this state. He sighed, and this time his voice didn’t shake. “I’m fine, really. I’m just being stupid”

Lily gave him a look .

Remus sighed. “Sirius is being a dick about Ben”

“Yeah, he's not exactly subtle, is he?” she asked, with a sad smile. Remus frowned at her. “But you have to understand him, it mustn't be easy”

He couldn't believe his ears. “Understand him?”

“I mean, of course it's not your fault,” explained Lily. “But he seems honestly hurt. Maybe you shouldn't talk so much about Ben in front of him, give him a bit of time”

Remus’ brain debated between  astonishment and anger. “I can't believe you're defending him!” he shouted. “So you're saying I should let him be a homophobic prat, like it's okay? Let him push me back into the closet, that's what you’re saying?”

Lily gaped at him. “What? No! Wait, you think he's being homophobic ?”

“He is!” he exclaimed exasperated. “He's rude to Ben, he doesn't speak to me, he won't even look at me”

“Because he's jealous!” shouted Lily. She shook her head, chuckling. “Oh my god, boys are so oblivious. He's got a massive crush on you, how can you not see that?”

Now it was Remus gaping at her. “What? No he doesn't”

“I'm pretty sure he has for a long time. Whenever you're together he looks at you like...” She struggled to find the words. “Like he's a puppy and you're a giant tasty treat, or a petting machine, or a bitch in heat, or…”

“Okay,” interrupted Remus, unable to stop a smile when Lily bursted out laughing. “I'm sorry but you're crazy. He's not into boys. And if he were, he wouldn't be into me”

“Oh, don't be acting all modest now,” she said when she finally stopped laughing. “You know you're handsome, I'm sure Ben’s told you that much. And Sirius is as straight as that Bowie guy he's so obsessed with.” She smiled sadly at him. “Don't ever tell him I said this, but he's a good person. He would never hate you for being who you are, you must know that”

Remus hesitated. “Well, yeah, I’d never really thought he would take it badly”

“So?” Lily insisted.

“So there’s got to be another reason why he's angry”

“So?”

“Okay, okay. I guess him being jealous would explain it,” accepted Remus. “But he could be jealous as a friend, you know, because I'm not giving him enough attention? We're talking about Sirius after all”

Lily nodded. “I guess he could be, but I still think he's got a crush on you. Either way he's hurting, you just need to give him some time. Having someone not return your feelings must be hard”

Remus’ eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Wait, you think I don't like him back?”

She gasped. “Do you?”

Remus chuckled. “Oh my god, girls are so oblivious”

She smiled for a second, and then turned serious. “But you've got Ben”

Remus swallowed, a feeling of guilt invading him even though he‘d done nothing wrong. Yet. “Yes, I know”

“And you like Ben”

“I do”

“But?”

Remus closed his eyes. His head was starting to hurt. Just when he was thinking of a reply to Lily's question, the portrait door opened and in came James. As soon as Remus saw him he knew he and Sirius had had a fight. There was just a very particular expression that invaded Prong’s face — a mix of anger, hurt and slight disappointment — that only Padfoot could put there. Remus also knew how much Sirius feared that expression.

James began to stomp up the stairs, and then he seemed to change his mind. He walked towards Remus and Lily, now appearing more nervous than angry.

“Lily,” he said. He never called her by her first name, and Remus felt the girl tense up besides him. “You do know that I like you, don’t you? Like, honestly like you. As in I think I’m in love with you”

She stared at him, gaping. It was the first time Remus saw her out of words. The redhead chuckled nervously.

“Come on, Potter. You don’t mean that. You just like to tease me”

“No, I’m not teasing you,” he stated. He grabbed his head, exasperated. “All the cheesy love letters, the stupid songs, the bad poems, the million fucking times I asked you out… None of those were jokes. And I know you think they are, but I don’t know how else to show you that I really feel like this”

He looked as if he was about to cry. Remus’ eyes travelled from Lily to James; he felt like this was a decisive moment in the history of their confusing relationship.

“I’ve never… I just thought you liked to tease me,” stuttered the redhead.

James sighed. “I’m tired, Lily. I really am. I need you to believe that I’m serious about this, about you, about us. And if you don’t like me, that’s completely fine and I’ll get over it somehow. But I need you to give me an answer. Please.”

Lily stared fixedly at the boy for a moment, but it wasn’t long before she replied. “Yes,” she said.

“Yes?”

She shrugged. “Yeah, I’ll give you a chance. I’ll go out with you”

James’ smile was so big one could count each of his teeth. Lily was smiling too, and Remus felt a pang of envy.

James seemed to read his thoughts. “And you,” he said, “talk to Sirius, please? He’s being a little dramatic bitch and I fear he’s going to do something very stupid, like not talk to you and hate himself forever”

“Okay” mumbled Remus.

Again, James set towards the stairs, and just when the door to the dormitory closed Sirius entered the room. Whereas James had looked half angry and half hurt, Sirius simply looked sad. Lily threw him a glance, smiled encouragingly at Remus and walked away.

“Hey,” he called before Sirius could get away from him. “I want to talk to you”

Sirius hesitated, but eventually walked towards him. He hesitated again before sitting down, and finally settled for the other end of the couch, as far away from the other boy as possible.

It was late at night, and in any other circumstance Remus would have been thankful for the silence, but right now he felt as if that silence was filled with words. He’d never felt quite so tense, and scared, and hopeful.

“I know you don’t like to talk about...” He stopped himself. “You barely talked to me these days, and I thought you hated me, for… for being gay”

Sirius, who had been staring at the fire till now, turned to him with a horrified expression. Remus felt relief wash over him.

“How… Why would you think that?” he asked. Perhaps unconsciously, he moved closer to Remus. “I would never hate someone for that! I would never… hate you, not for anything, not when I…”

“Well you were being a dick,” interrupted Remus. “And you’ve been acting like one since I came out, so you can’t blame me for thinking that it had something to do with that”

“It…” Sirius sighed, avoiding Remus’ eyes once more. He twisted his hands on his lap. “It has to do with that. But not in that way”

This time it was Remus who moved closer.

“Why, then?” he whispered. His friend didn’t answer right away, and he feared Sirius would talk himself into lying, that he would dismiss the whole thing not to talk about his feelings. Remus was used to him doing that, but this time he would not allow it. He moved even closer to the boy, their knees almost touching. “Were you... “ He was walking a very dangerous line here. “Were you jealous? Of Ben?”

Two grey eyes fixed on him, and Remus swallowed hard. He almost jumped from his seat when he felt something slightly brush the hand he’d placed on the couch between them. He felt a chill run down his body as his friend's fingers caressed the back of his hand.

Sirius nodded. Remus closed his eyes for a second, angry with himself for the feeling of hope that confirmation brought. Ben didn’t deserve this, and Remus wasn’t that type of boyfriend.

He was still thinking what to tell Sirius when he opened his eyes. It happened as in slow motion. He saw something shift in Sirius’ look, his body tense, and his lips part slightly as he leaned towards Remus. Then he saw his own hand -which moved almost without his consent- rise and press itself to Sirius’ chest to stop him.

Sirius’ heart was beating desperately against his hand. Remus would swear his stopped beating at all, and broke in a million pieces.

“Sorry,” said Sirius, and in that single word Remus could see the end of their friendship. He could see months of Padfoot avoiding him in the halls, of awkward glances, of James and Sirius laughing and then shutting up when Remus enters the room. He couldn't allow that.

“Wait,” he said, and grabbed Sirius’ wrist to stop him from leaving.

But Sirius didn't seem like he had any intention of leaving. Instead, he looked at Remus silently, waiting, almost hoping, which was so much worse.

What now?

“I like you,” he blurted out. “as in like you like you”

What? Remus mentally slapped himself.

“ I'm trying to say that I…”

“I know what you're trying to say,” interrupted Sirius. A small smile appeared for a moment, but it was quickly gone. “But?”

“You know what”

“Then leave him,” stated Sirius, as if the answer was more than obvious.

Remus felt a bit annoyed at how easy he made it sound. “It’s not that simple, Sirius”

“So you like him more than you like me”

Remus gave him a warning look. It was the you’re being stupid and you know it look, as the Marauders liked to call it.

“Then why won’t you leave him?” asked Sirius, immediately feeling embarrassed at how desperate he sounded.

Remus sighed, and stopped to choose his next words very carefully. “I know you. You like me today, but you’ll get bored tomorrow. I rather have you as my friend than resent you when you eventually leave me”

The other boy shook his head. “You don’t get it.” He grabbed Remus’ hands in his. “This isn’t…”

“No, you don’t get it,” interrupted Remus. He shook off Sirius’ hands. “How long has it been?”

“What?”

“When did you know you liked me?”

“Well…”

“This year?”

“I think it’s been longer, but…” Sirius mumbled. “I only realised it when I knew you were dating someone, because I got so jealous, but I think…”

“So it’s not even been a year,” stated Remus. “You know how long it’s been for me? Since third year”

Sirius gaped at him. “Really?”

“It was you that made me realise I was gay”

“Well, actually, it was also you that…”

“Since third year, Sirius,” Remus insisted. He stood up, pacing nervously in front of the couch. “You watch me kiss one boy and can’t stand the jealousy? Imagine years of that! Fucking years watching you go through Hogwarts’ entire female population, chatting up a girl and ignoring her two days later, leaving me to comfort them and…”

“No one asked you to do that!” blurted out Sirius. He stood up as well, facing Remus. “If you liked me so much for so long why didn’t you say anything?”

“What? You know why! You would’ve laughed at me at best! I couldn’t…”

“I wouldn’t have, I would have realised that I like you and we could’ve…”

“Oh so now it’s my fault?”

“I’m just saying if you had said something…”

“Oh come on,” Remus snorted. He pointed an accusatory finger at the other boy. “Even if you decided you were into it you would’ve got bored of me two days later like one of those girls, like you will certainly do now if...”

Sirius was kissing him, his hands grabbing Remus’ head and his lips pressing hardly against the other boy’s. For a second, Remus froze, too shocked to do anything. Did Sirius think it was this simple? That Remus would give in so easy? Angry, he pushed his hands against Sirius’ chest.

The other boy stumbled back a few steps. They were both panting, and Remus’ could feel his heart beat quickly against his chest even though the chaste kiss had lasted mere seconds.

“Moony, please.” That’s all Sirius said, but Remus understood. Before he could stop himself, he crossed the short distance that separated them and, taking Sirius by the hips, he pressed their lips together once more.  

All air abandoned his lungs and Remus felt suddenly dizzy. It was as if he’d been holding his breath for years, waiting for the moment Sirius’ lips would part to let him in. And now he could finally breathe. Any worry he had disappeared at the feel of his friend’s fingers threading through his hair, the warmth emanating from the other boy’s body, the tip of a tongue sliding across his bottom lip. Remus had dreamt of this an embarrassing number of times (after all, four years were enough for his mind to come up with a hundred different scenarios), but kissing Sirius was everything he hadn’t dare to dream.

Yet, as soon as they separated in need of air, the dream fell apart.

“Shit,” cursed Remus, as the worries slipped again into his mind. Seems he was that kind of boyfriend after all. “Shit, shit, shit”

“Hey, hey.” Sirius grabbed Remus by the shoulders, urging him to calm down. The other boy looked at him, his eyes filled with guilt. Not the best reaction to a kiss, Sirius thought. He wanted to feel sad for Ben, wanted to be disgusted at himself for forcing Remus to cheat on his boyfriend, yet he had to force himself to stop the smile that threatened to curve his lips. He did feel terribly guilty, but he was also sure (as sure as he had ever been of something) that all would be worth it in the end.

As usual, Moony seemed to read his thoughts. A small smile showed itself for a second before his face fell once more, but it was enough for Sirius to know one more thing for sure: Remus had made a decision, and he’d chosen Sirius.

Sirius stumbled forwards and embraced the other boy, burying his nose in Remus’ neck.

“Thank you,” he whispered, “for trusting me”

“If you hurt me I’ll kick your ass,” Remus whispered back.

“If I hurt you I’ll kick my ass myself.” Sirius felt Remus’ chest shake with laughter against his own. “But I won’t. I promise”

“Okay”

The problem with Ben was that he was too fucking nice . Remus almost wished his boyfriend was a bit more of a jerk; it would make what he was about to do a little easier.

“Hey.”

Ben stood leaning against the wall, in the same spot they met every monday morning. From there Remus would usually walk Ben to his Potions class, which Remus didn’t take, before setting off to his Herbology class. Of course, they would both arrive terribly late, having wasted time by sneaking into small empty corners, hiding from their friends, chatting like they hadn’t seen each other for weeks. It was a pleasant routine, and Remus felt his heart ache knowing he was about to end it.

Just when they had stopped hiding, at least from their friends. Just when Ben had trusted his friends, had trusted Sirius , with his secret.

Remus let out a long sigh and approached the boy. He avoided the other’s eyes as he got closer, trying to stop Ben from kissing him like he usually did.

“Hey,” he said.

“Are you alright?”

Now Remus willed himself to look up. The words stuck in his throat. “We need to talk”

“Oh,” said Ben, and by the expression on his face Remus guessed he knew where this was going.

He struggled to find the words, twisting his hands nervously behind his back, but Ben spoke before he could gather the courage.

“You’re breaking up with me.” It was almost a question, except it was not, because both of them could feel the answer in the space between them. “Why?”

Remus was so good with written words. He could use them, manipulate them to accomplish what he wanted. He knew how to use them as weapons, to hurt, to persuade, to attract. Yet spoken words were an entirely different science, and they abandoned him every time he needed them the most.

“I’m sorry,” it’s all he managed to say. Ben stared at him with teary eyes, and Remus believed -hoped- for a moment that the boy would shout at him, hit him, something. But Ben was the walking stereotype of a member of his house, and like many Hufflepuffs he was nice… and observant.

“He finally figured it out, didn’t he?” Again, it was not really a question, but this time Remus didn’t want to assume the answer.

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t play dumb. You at least owe me an explanation”

Remus nodded. “I’m sorry”

Ben sighed and gave him a sad smile. “I know you are. I knew this could happen, you told me about… I knew what I was getting into”

It's true, Remus had explained to Ben how he felt about Sirius. It had happened during summer, when they had just discovered that they had more in common than their love of books. They had been leaning close together against a tree in Remus's backyard, under the soft light of the moon, and after Remus had told him everything about his unrequited love, Ben had kissed him. A moment later he had whispered in Remus' ear “I'll help you forget him, if you let me.”

The memory didn't help to soften Remus’ guilt, though. It only made him sadder, and angry at himself for letting Ben into his life.

“I shouldn't have let you…” he tried to say, but Ben shook his head.

“No, don't. It's not your fault. Nor is it mine… or Sirius’.” He set off down the hall, gesturing for Remus’ to follow him. Remus had completely forgotten about their classes. They were going to be so late. “Really, I can't blame Sirius for falling for you. He's only human. I just hoped he was too big headed to admit it,” he joked.

Remus didn't laugh.

“I could have told Sirius he's too late, and I tried to. But I couldn't. I couldn't lie to him, or to you”

“I understand”

Silence fell over them, interrupted only by the low murmuring of the students already in their classes.

“Thank you,” said Remus at last, and Ben smiled half-heartedly at him.

He wanted to say he hoped they could be friends, but he knew that's not how it worked, not with people like Ben. People like Ben gave themselves completely to you, but if you let them go once, it was likely you would never catch them again.

He didn't say goodbye when they arrived to their destination. Instead, he kissed Remus softly on the cheek, turned around, and disappeared behind the classroom doors.